#i cant stop myself when i think of food it 'triggers' me and i cant stop thinking about until the dark cloud is so dark it rains

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[teddy-feathers]

i hate my aunt.

she made another comment on if i wanted to take more pills or if i wated to grow up and deal with shit.

she does not get that if i didnt have the pills id already be dead. this is not hypothetical. i have wrecked my car on purpose several times, I have too many knives and access to medication and im just smart enough to be a danger to myself. one day i took like a handfull of my actual medication because it was going to fucking help or the next handfull of pills i took wouldnt be to help. and you know what. it fucking helped.

and its not oh youre just reacting badly to stress. no. even when everything was fine id find ways to be stressed or miserable or apathetic. in fact when things were at their best i was often at my worst - and that was after i got back reconnected with family got past the shame started working with a therapist had a job was doing good... and i was still thinking of killing myself. still having days where funtioning was too much like being skinned alive. still being fucking at war with myself from being too up and too down at the same time. and i was doing good. everything was finally better and had been better for a while and i was actively or passively sabotaging that.

and you know what? if there was a possible way to bootstrap myself better, idve fucking found it by now. so being medicated is like actually good for me. and i know it is because when i forget to take my meds or like right now when im switching meds and im fucking miserable and struggling to even pretend to be a person. like im managing to maintain an illusion but its not my best work let me tell you.

that and my best fucking friend are the only reason i called my shrink to say "yeah i actually am not okay" after a week of fucking going "dying sounds nice right now" like honestly and truely if it werent for my best friend id just give up trying.

like i get it. im in a bad place right now and youre worried and you think you know best. but the second you said that snide fucking comment i basically stopped listening. im so fucking furious.

ill give you drug seeking behavior. ill give you taking the god damn easy way out. (she did not say this but you can understand why i think its implied from her fucking attitude)

like. god i want to tell her so bad to stop making comments about it, to just fucking forget im medicated if thats what it takes. because the next time she makes a comment about it that will be the end of the conversation. that is the boundary im setting. that will be the end of the conversation.

but i dont have the fucking balls to set boundries do i.

like. i am sick right now. mentally.

im glad my knives are mostly in the car. im glad my best friend expects me to get up in the morning and gibe her a hug before work. im less glad that i cant bring myself to do things i need to keep my life running but ive got some leeway and hopefully my meds will level me out soon enough that no actual issues arrise. im glad that i might get out of this without fucking up my life or whatever. im glad that this isnt a couple of years ago where suicide seemed like an actual option and i couldnt roll my eyes as i lay here and rot and go "Yeah whatever your being dramatic" and that i know and *can* get up and get fluids and food when im rotting so im not actively making myself worse while i want for it to pass.

i hate that i do have to wait for it to pass. that i feel like if i do certain things it will trigger my own personal apocalypse or breakdown or something. i hate that my thoughts are variations of "i wish i was dead"

but because of the medication, even not at the right level, im not going to drive off the side of the road to deal with my problems.

i hate myself yeah but i hate my aunt and her shitty ass comments.

[sunflowernlife]

kinda ironic how i made this account right before i decided to recover.

it got bad, really bad. i wasnt myself and i couldnt hide it. i stopped replying to my friends, i snapped at my family. i stopped cleaning, i stopped taking care of myself. i was perishing.

i feel like the media romanticizes this disorder a lot, i know we do it a lot a lot. i think thats the only reason we can stand what we’re even doing is pretending that its cool.

i still struggle. its only been a few days and i want to sink into my disorder again so bad but i havent let myself. i was so mean, so isolated, so not MYSELF, i was so sad. i was comparing myself to every body i saw (still do, working on it) i was sobbing when i had to go out, i couldnt stand the sight of food. i was starving not just my body, i was starving my brain.

and you may ask, gracie what made you decide to recover? i was in an argument with my family and i talked about it with my mom, and no i didnt fess up but i was crying and i was like

“its not you guys” they assumed i hated them, she assumed i hated her. “i dont hate you- i just dont like-“ my voice cracked. my throat itchy and raw.

“you dont like?”

i pointed to myself.

in summary she told me that since i was a child, ive never really accepted myself. ive never been really happy with my appearance. not that i wasnt pretty, i look back to my childhood pictures and i was the prettiest kid but i was blind to it. she said that im pretty, that everything about me is good, that i shouldnt compare myself and i thought she was bullshitting me at first to be honest.

then i found pictures of me as a child the next day and they were so nostalgic. i looked so happy. so carefree. i cried because i would do anything for baby me. i cried because i wouldn’t starve that girl if she was in front of me. i would nourish her and hold her and compliment her. i would give her whatever she wanted and told her that she was worth the world.

i wont lie its been hard. ive had to take a break from this app bc its full of triggers but i decided to do this for me.

god my ed keeps screaming at me. it says im weak for doing this but in full honesty? this is the strongest thing ive had to do.

i had to pick me.

not other peoples opinions, not for looking good in pictures, or fitting clothes.

i have to pick my happiness, my joy, my brain, myself.

i know that talking to people with eds doesnt work, you cant pick for someone to recover. (i know bc it never worked for me) they have to do it for themselves. its hard and its gonna take some time. but im glad i did it.

its freeing and its scary. but its one of the best choices ive done.

let yourself free. i promise you. you’re beautiful, more than just what i see but your soul. your kindness and self. your interests and the things that make you laugh. you dont deserve what youre doing to yourself.

[violetteheaven]

Okay its 1am im gna answer all of these #imnormal😋

1. Cbmi 17.2 WTF🤬

2. I am 158cm / 5’2 i stopped growing a little after my ed developed so im kind of stuck at the height of little me😭

3. Idk but any weird and off putting doll like character my ed will EAT UP (ironic am i right) like just having a sick and off putting weird scary presence

4. Boy idk

5. To be pure and cleaaaan and to distance myself from what ive been in the past, to not be desired by anyone except bf❤️❤️, to have people care idk

6. Nooo not really the closest is like i chew a TON of sweet and greasy shit i crave but i always spit it out so its kind of a “c/s binge” but obvi its not rlly the same

7. They noticed my behaviors at like bmi 23 and acted like i was dying like okay☠️☠️

8. Ballet class, occasional crosstraining, walking and pacing plus currently doing a two week everyday workout challenge loool for fun

9. Not sm but growing up chubby is like🙄🙄🙄 you know what people think abt ur weight

10. Idk but i used to love baking and i still sometimes do it but cant enjoy what i make that much 🤧 but its not rlly a big thing

11. Idk😭 i follow a ton of disordered ppl on here and twt so its hard to say

12. Idk anything

13. Unhealthy😭 (realizing now that this isnt necessarily a disordered question thing)

14. 35kg but its more of a gw atp, maybe 29-32 kg 🤷

15. No because i dont live alone and my meals are often not my choice, and my nutritionist wont let meeee but ive been planning on maybe going vegetarian asap

16. Probably when i was like 13 idk i dont remember 😭

17. Yes #queenana🔥

18. Anything sweeeeet and anything eaten with my bf bahshsh

19. This fine evening😊

20. The parasite diet!!! Or get worse diet or character ones

21. Usually XS-S, eur 34☹️☹️☹️ sizes in genreal are so triggering

22. 42,6kg rn!

23. Idk but I remember being super fascinated with ed content when I was younger 😭 it was hard to find though

24. eating disorders and mental illness should not be promoted!!! But they should be talked about more and there should be more harm reduction and awareness spread

25. Nooo i tried but got caught RIGHT IN THE ACT bahshsh so no not my thing

26. People looking at me worried and wondering if im okay🙁❤️❤️❤️

27. Depends on the people and the food but i try to be normal i do not want people to pay attention to my illness because i am very very normal looking not sick

28. YES because ive always been insecure abt my thighs and hips because theyre veeeery wide and ugly and i just wanna be thin and idk dolly jack skellington

29. Being creepy❤️

30. Boy im not doing all that

Thanks yall😋

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[stair-case-the-wise]

Mini fic things. Cw/ might upset people who struggled with derealization, other then that I don't things there's anything else that potentially trigger anyone.

First person pov for effectB]

------

Monsters. They live in the head of children, most are make believe, stuffed into a thin wooden wardrobe once they grow out of the stage of believing in the unknown monster they lurk in the shadows waiting for them to belive in them again. I have learned in my 16 and a half years of living that no one believes In monsters forever. No one worries about them lurking in dark at night, no one screams and cry at a strange shadow in their room, or when something moves out of place... At least they shouldn't, logically they shouldn't be afraid. And nither should I, but when I see a glimpse a figure behind me I still jump turning around quickly to find nothing there thinking its only my imagination continueing on with my life as it was until I hear faint footsteps slowly approaching my bedroom I can't help but let my heart raise, i cant stop it from thrubbing against my ribcage and I can't help the way my hands sweat and shake, i cant help when my mind starts to race for answers after something (or someone) starts scratch at the wooden door. "Maybe it was the dog?" I say to myself. "Yeah.. that's right, it was the dog. It has to be.. he just wants new food or some treats." But when I check to see if Walter was sat infront of the door pawing at it and i open it to find nothing there I can help but worry, shake and let a chill run up my spine. "Maybe he went away? Got bored or inpatient and went to my mother to bother her with it instead?" Logically I knew that had to be true but I couldn't stop my mind from racing once again, my stomach fumbling as i thought of other possibilities. It was fine. It was going to be alright. I closed my door and walked back to my bed, the mattress dipping as I sat on the edge. I shook my head and ran my hand through my blond hair. "It's fine tommy" I whispered to myself. "You're fine-" I stoped talking when I heard the sound again, this time louder and more aggressive. It was the scratching again. And it went on and on, the clawing sound never halting. Sweat collected on the back of my neck as I watched the door waiting for something to come through that door, to let its self in, to attack and claw and scratch its way through. I lifted my hand to my neck and wiped the sweat away. I swallowed sharply before I stood. I paused and watched the door, the sound only got louder and more intense. I took one step. It got louder. I took another. It got louder. I took another, and another. It got louder and louder. I took another and another and another. It got louder and louder and louder. I reached the door and the sound was so unbearable I wanted to claw and scratch at my own ears. I wanted it to stop but it didn't! It only got louder. And louder. And louder, it got faster and faster. I needed to open the door I needed to get rid of the monster. I need the sound to just. Stop. I took one last step and slammed the door open. My eye go wide and my shoulders slump. There was nothing there. The door didn't have a srach or claw more on it. The paint was smooth. It wasn't there the monster wasn't really there.

[rukistarz]

✩ STAR DIARY - entry four - 20.2.23 ✩

6:19 pm

im on day 9 of my liquid fast and the cravings are getting like…really bad. im not planning to give in, obviously, but i can’t help but feel like shit for wanting to eat already when i’ve barely made a dent in my fast, you know ? it makes me feel less than, and pathetic. but im so determined to prove myself wrong and show myself that i can continue on, ignore these stupid cravings and complete my fast like i planned. im tired of being a failure. i will reach my ugw, and i will be successful and happy.

im currently at my lowest weight (124.4), which is great, and it keeps dropping, but i still feel really really fat. like, i can physically feel all of the excess fat on my body and it makes me feel horrible. the thing is tho, it’s not just a feeling, it’s actually there. like, my love handles are still there and they obscure my body in a disgusting way way. my thighs are unbelievably huge, as well as my arms.

it’s ironic because when i was like, twenty pounds heavier, i thought i’d be so skinny at this weight. but im not. i feel like i will finally feel okay, and not so fat when i get to 110 and lower, because i haven’t seen anyone my height being fat at that size. though, the possibility is still there, if feeling fat and gross, you know ? idk

anyway, im going out with my best friend tomorrow, and im really excited for multiple reasons. we haven’t seen each other in over a month, so im looking forward to meeting again. my birthday was on the 1st feb, her’s is on the 29th, so we always meet up during the middle to have a joint b-day celebration, and we’ll be exchanging gifts too. im excited for her to see what i got her, because i really went all out, and im excited to see what she got me. i feel like she probably got me an album or something, which would be cool because i got her two, so we can unbox them together. i also got her other bits and bobs, and a really funny birthday card that i think she’ll thoroughly enjoy.

though, im not planning on eating anything tomorrow, obviously. and the worst thing is, that she knows about my ed, so she’ll probably know that things are bad. she won’t pry or anything, but i know that she’ll figure it out. i feel bad, because i usually omad when we go out, but i cant this time. im also really scared that i might trigger her one day in some way, because she also struggles with body image, too. like, i don’t vent about my ed to anyone, especially in depth, but she knows about it already, and she’ll see my weight-loss and me turning down food, you know ? i just don’t want her to experience anything like this ever.

we’re going to a cat cafe, and i think i might just order a hot chocolate and drink that and when we go out to get food, i’ll say it made me nauseous and i cant eat, or something. i could also say that im on my period, which makes the sickly feeling even worse, and much more believable. granted, im not sure if we’ll go get food after, anyway, because she said she’ll probably get a pastry there, and idk if she’ll feel hungry after that. but it’s whatever, i have my plan in mind. im also glad because we’ll be doing a bunch of window shopping and walking a lot, and i wanna burn a lot of cals from the hot chocolate, you know ?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

11:22 pm

my mind won’t stop thinking about something my sister said to me a few weeks back.

i was weighing myself and she walked in on me and decided to weigh in too, i was about 128 at that time, and she weighed in at about 180.

she said she wished that she was my size instead, but then went on to say that we’re not that far apart in weight.

which is true, however…that shit literally triggered me so bad.

like, does she think we look the same or something ?

like, no shade to her, i love her and all…it’s just, it fucked with me and it won’t leave my head.

honestly though, it’s crazy motivation because, she wants to lose weight, but refuses to change her eating habits. she always hounds me and my other sister (who has been going to the gym and eating healthily) for trying to lose weight (my family think im on a diet) and how it makes her feel insecure since we’re already skinny in her eyes.

i cant wait to see her again once im at my ugw and for her jaw to drop lmao, her as well as my other sister who’s trying to lose weight too, i want to surpass her and lose weight faster. i also want to be the skinniest in the family too, so this 100 day fast kinda like killing three birds with one stone.

✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩

[capcomgrl]

been so upset recently

arguing w boyfriend

fatter than ever

Just having a hard time finding any moment of relaxation or peace. There is no relief. Got fucked over at my job and now i’m struggling to pay any bills. Always on edge. Anxiety medication makes me drowsy into the next day. Can’t sleep if me and bf are arguing. We argued because i got slightly triggered in the car, I’m sensitive to gore and he was pretending to cut my thigh with his fingers and staple me. Ive asked him not too before. I had an interview earlier so i was a little high strung. I got upset & asked him to just say a quick sorry, bc he got super quiet. And thats how we stayed for 30 mins. He told me he gets frustrated and doesnt like feeling like he has to always apologize for something. That it happens too much. He still didnt say sorry, only when I asked twice. And then I comforted him instead of him comforting me. Then I had to go to work. I’m currently a server and that has been another hell in itself. I’m just super nervous and anxious but thats how ive been all the time recently. Theres never something to not be freaking out about. If im happy I cant be because im fucking fat and ugly. Why has this always been my life man. I didn’t ask for these things to happen that led me here and made me have these vicious emotions and thoughts. I think about dying a lot. I had a psychologist tell me he thinks I’m schizotypal. Fuck man I’m just weird but not in the cute way. Not in the still lovable way. Different but interesting. i'm awful. i have a hard time talking to anyone. and its getting worse as I get older. i just want it to stop. trying to fix these problems i have just made it easier to gain all my weight back. i got even fatter when i went inpatient for my overeating. its been two years and I have only lost 10 lbs. i just dont wanna be fat anymore i hate using food for comfort or food to cope for me. i hate always having to have some kind of noise playing because I cant just be alone and do one thing silently. i cant read i cant draw. i feel my fat cushioning everywhere around me every time i move. my bf is stressed bc he is having to pay for all of the bills. ive never been job insecure but of course when i finally move out of my moldy health hazard house my job starts giving me 5 hrs a week. i couldnt believe it. i cant just be happy. im always causing a problem or starting something or just not happy enough. i cant even be alone with myself. i'll k myself I hate myself. its not getting better for me its only getting worse. i just want to be able to function the way most people can. he will be home soon and he'll notice im not as energetic or happy. he'll want to talk about it but not really. he'll want me to make him feel better about me feeling upset. i cant do it right now. whats wrong with me. i cant shower but my problems with cleanliness are getting worse. i cant get in my bed or wear my pajamas if im not showered even if its only been a day. i do my best it never takes more than 10 minutes but it feels awful. to look at me and to remember what that fuck ass counselor told me about my showering. that it only makes sense why i avoid the shower. why did she have to make that connection for me. i think about it every time i shower. i feel crazy. i feel like it will never go away. it gets harder to deal with. i will start school soon and i am excited for that. and i have a very sweet cat. and my partner and i do have our good moments. i just wish I could make everything fit together better.

[kicksnscribs]

Spent the majority of my day setting up my school laptop and attempting to get rid of as much bloatware that I possibly could without breaking the entire thing while simultaneously playing nothing but Monster Hunter Stories 2 when I should have been working on other things isn't exactly the best feeling ever but it is what it is.

I'm in the final week of my core classes and soon Ill be able to take the art and 3d fundamentals that I've been looking forward too but i cant help but think that I'm walking into a dragon's den of sorts. I feel like i'm underestimating just HOW much work is going to go into these classes and i'm kind of apprehensive at the thought.

So i'm just gonna take some time and ramble for a little while so i can get used to this new keyboard setup and see what I can uncover when I type out my thoughts

I feel like i'm being selfish with my goals, in that I'm only going through with this so i can actually force myself to learn these concepts since i lack the ability to do so on my own either through mental illness or just pure laziness. I just want to learn this stuff for the sake of learning it so i can make my silly little animatics and game revamps and fart around with this head-world that I've started to work on [of which i really need to get into the habit of writing the ideas down so i can start working on the field guide]

Like I had this class that made me write down all of my goals and while others wanted to make these grand changes in the industry and all that I simply said that I want to make stuff for myself. If i have something that others enjoy then great! But for the most part i don't expect my ideas to take off or to even be noticed. I just want to get the ideas out of my head so i can play with them, see what they look like and daydream about stuff that will never happen bc I just hate this reality that I'm forced to live in so much that I want an escape.

Idk i just want to create for the sake of creating or something. I'm not really comfortable with sharing ideas since a lot of times nobody really comments on them or they are just way out of my league with the world-building and i just feel like a toddler compared to them. Not to say that I don't have good ideas, they are just so remarkably tailored to my interests that i don't think anybody can relate to them so now i'm debating on keeping them to myself and just posting art and writing that's commission/work/school based rather than any actual fan work.

I was looking into getting an apartment in the next year if by some chance a miracle happens to allow that, but what with my bills piling up and my car in constant need of repairs [this time its new tires] it's starting to put a damper on that dream. My paycheck is just being nibbled to death by small thing after small thing and I no longer have any money for anything that isn't food or bills. I still need to buy new jeans since ALL of them now have holes in the crotch [which by the way I should be mending a few of them now]. I wish there was some way to afford the luxuries but for right now it's just not possible.

I did find out that money [or lack thereof] is one of my depression triggers, which when you think about it may be a lot of peoples triggers, but i'm starting to veer back down into that level of hopelessness that comes with the general unsatisfaction that is found with living a boring ass lonely life with no money to go out and do new things. The decision to go back to school is a good one imho, but i would be lying if i didn't say that i am not dreading the time when it is time to start repaying that loan.

either way there's a lot more to get off of my chest but i think i will stop there for now. If you've read this thanks, and you're not obligated to respond to this or anything i just really needed to get used to this keyboard and get some things out of my mind before they started to reek is all

[physicsfox7]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

[purrality]

chest feels really heavy. hard to breathe. not sure where the line is between heightened anxiety and panic attack sometimes, think ive kinda been floating between em. it's funny to think about. does it "count" if you only hyperventilate for a few seconds before everything dries up just long enough to get back to the state just shy of being full-on triggered? doesnt matter ig.

it's so fucked to know exactly why it's happening. i hate not being able to tell people why the most innocuous shit is so hard for me and having to eat it over and over. i hate that just THINKING about letting anyone see me like this gives me panic attacks. i hate that when i push through and do it anyways i cant admit the desperation it takes to ask for reassurance or to be sat with. i hate that writing about it makes me feel like i cant fucking breathe again when im trying so hard to find something, fucking anything to just give me some relief.

so whyyyy the fuck cant i just feel ok? why cant i shake this feeling? tried expressive art and I even liked how it came out, tried eating food I like, tried diving straight into the hurt and examining the trigger and working on my shit. all of it makes things feel just a little better, im not spiraling and thinking of suicide anymore, but it still feels really bad. I still feel like no amount of anything I ever do is going to fix these stupid fucking reactions wired into my stupid fucking body.

im scared that im getting worse. im scared that dealing with everything alone all the time is fucking up the way i think more and more, like a depression echo chamber constantly confirming that we cant talk to anyone about anything anymore or they'll either smother me with worry until I have to be the one reassuring them, or they'll confirm for me that if they care, they can't stand to do it for long. it always feels like too much. i feel like it must suck to know me, let alone to care. at least if im not hiding all the time.

i dont want to. i feel like a liar and general piece of shit. but when i do hide, im easier to tolerate, even if not all of me/us is/are worth the effort. i know no one knows me. not me as a whole, and especially not me in particular. everyone feels like strangers, if they haven't done awful things to me. it's so disorienting to have the memories anyways. it's even more disorienting when the rest of us forget and have to put together what happened later. i wish i could tell them more clearly what's going on and ig this is a part of that. seems like we dont touch our journals unless we're writing in them, but we do come back here a lot.

maybe come back and answer this later. i dont have one myself for now. im tired and you can do what you want whenever im gone but i dont want to talk to you or anyone else tonight. but what i want to understand is, why are we still alive? i ask that question all the time and i can never think of a reason that feels right. i know there's got to be something. im pretty sure it was wesley that stopped us way back when. so. why? and have you been listening this whole time?

im dissociating a lot now. finally calmed down. i think this has been going on for like 4 hours. exhausting. it was def panic attacks. gonna lay down

[bishiglomper]

You know i was just thinking how useless i am and how I'm so dependant on my sister. We're all disabled in different ways and we cant take care of ourselves! 😫

Like I could make a simple appointment, it would be more likely to be done if i could do it via online or text but simple appointments sure.

But more complicated ones like trying to figure out how to get in touch with a specialist i dont really have direct access or information to, I'm not gonna be a big enough girl to manage that. Someone else needs to do the hunting. And i cant always feed myself. Like I'll literally just go without anything (food or situationwise) if i cant manage it and no ones around to ask.

I'm not comfortable doing anything by myself. Cant do public transportation. Can't drive. Cant do flippin anything on my own. Which is stupid, because it just anxiety. But I'll literally go deer-in-headlights frozen complete shutdown and just not do anything out of anxiety and indecision.

I took a bus once. I thought it would be okay because I'm usually comfortable doing simple flights. We stopped for a meal and the bus driver hunted me down and papa-beared at the counter because they passed over my order and i didnt know what to do. Man could have just told me to get back on the bus but he made sure i got food 😭. And that same trip there was a transfer and i don't remember what happened but that was almost a disaster too.

Oh. And the end of that ride could have been bad. I accidentally got the attention of a creep and I'm too polite and nonconfrontational to tell people to get lost. So i was lucky he left me alone besides making me listen to creep music. 😬 And the last flight i had in texas... If i hadnt been able to find several different people to help me with specific things, I wpuld have been so fucked. 😭

I wonder if that counts as like. Officially needing disabled help. 🥺 i just feel stupid. And i feel like if i told people I needed help for that they'd just tell me to grow up.

At one point (17-19ish) i knew something was wrong with me, but the assessment guy just said i was stupid and needed to be educated. 😐

Also all of this was triggered by the fact that i got a phone call today when i was sleeping. My sister discovered she could get free pullups for the nephew via medicaid because he has gut problems. So she put in a request for me.

For one thing, I use pads literally every fucking day. IBS is a nightmare. So is a fucked up menses. And mom has ibs and a prolapse issue. So i was gonna get some because we both use them and those things are expensive to use every day.

When they called they're like "is this for urinary or menstrual?"

"Oh, more menstrual"

"Sorry, we don't cover that. Bye"

It took me a few minutes before i was like ...FUCK. IT WASN'T OPTION 1 OR 3, IT WAS FOR OPTION #2. THEY MIGHT COVER THAT 😫

I told sissy my fuck up. I blamed it in the fact i was half asleep and they didnt even give me the right prompt.

She told me i should have told them i wasnt me and just sent for her. 😥 I'm bad at making phone calls but i at least try to answer calls like a big girl... 😓😓 Also i can't lie or omit to get things i need, that's another big fuckin problem. Huge problem in this godsdamn society.

So she's reaching out again with her number instead.. 🙃

[badbrainblurbs]

i feel like given my parent's parenting style there's no way i cldve been notably fussy abt change without remembering like there are certain things i remember always being criticized for or tht were commented on but i can't think of anything specifically related to not dealing with change well like ik i was overly sensitive n wld fuss n cry abt a lot of things which wld be criticized im trying to remember like even with the kids i grew up with in childhood if i wld deal well with changes there idk ik one of the kids they hated when things didnt go their way n they wld get mad n stop playing with everyone else lol but in a typical kid way i can't remember any specific routine based things but in general my childhood memories are so unreachable i do know esp beginning in adolescene changes started impacting me realizing now like myb thts why every school break i wld fall into depressive episodes unless i got a routine for myself. oh i think one thing since a kid i wld always insist on waking up early at the same time even when school was out i used to think i hated sleeping in late but i realize now when i oversleep i feel stressed bc now everything is wrong my schedule is thrown off ahhh but little me probably just wldnt hv comprehended tht? my attahchment to my stuffed animals n originally just this one specific animal is probably the a sign n it def got worse in adolescence n now i def cnt give them up. i remember getting to take the one with me as a kid to the hospital but it wld fall on the floor so often n hv to be washed so my mother stopped ik i missed it but i cant remember being particularly distressed or fussing over it much tho i used to be so sick i didnt really react to much anything. i switched schools at like 10 n i dont remember being too disrupted by it just regular anxiety but then again i still had my sister with me at least. the second time i switched schools at 17 was so bad n i was alone for the first time n also all the mental things were already going on for like 6 years so. i feel vaguely like if given the choice i wld usually opt for the familiar first but i wouldn't be distressed if a new thing was done. at best i hated trying new foods in particular. oh but then little things i wld get so attahced to my school bag! since pre school whenever i had to get a new school bag i hated getting rid of the old one lol. i remember actually joking abt tht in like primary or early secondary. I still hv one of my old school bags hidden away bc i like it so much even tho it's pretty unusuable. i think in general i always hated the idea of getting rid of old things or getting new things bc of the comfort aspect. but again i dont think the distress was notable as a kid and even if my parents wld still jusy get rid of it anyways. ok myb there were minor preference of the similar n routine but myb nothing really changed tht much until adolescene. the switching schools i feel like if it's true shldve triggered more distress i mean it was at 11 things started going downhill but tht was already a year in i think n i literally just cannot remember anything about tht time like how i probably felt in general abt it or anything sigh. idk it doesn't matter anyways

[tryingtobeskinnynow]

Over Due Update

I started this blog years ago and never really kept up with it. I ended up moving over to Instagram for a time. However, tumblr never really left my life I just always tried to ignore this blog. 

I guess I should give some warning before I continue this is a relapse entry I talk about how I was doing good and I've relapsed and how I use to feel and how I'm starting to feel now. I also talk about migraines and doctors. If any of this seems like it can trigger you please move past I'm just writing more for me to get release then anything! 

I guess I thought if I ignored it but didn’t delete it I wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole of my ed. Enough of a reminder of how bad I was getting. Yet, here we are clearly not working to the effect I would like. 

I’ve been struggling again. I stopped eating most days. Enjoying be busy as it gives reason to “forget” to eat. I pick up too many shifts and if I don't I try to sleep the day away so I don’t feel hungry and end up binging. 

I was doing good for a while eating well, being active but not overly so. I was... happy. 

But I’m back to old ways. Some part of me always hoped this would stay in my younger teen years. That as I aged it would go away. I know that's not how it works but I wanted it to work that way for me. 

I want to be normal, I want to be able to look at food and eat it without stressing about what its going to do to my body how it will add to my weight. I want to be able to eat something I love the taste of and not feel guilty because its carbs or full of sugars and calories. 

Past few weeks I've been going to the gym. I noticed that as I start to get about 20 minuets into my workouts of any kind I get migraines. I've tried taking Tylenol or Advil as soon as they come so it wont effect my workout. It never works I end up going home taking a shower and hiding in my black room till I sleep and its gone or it passes on its own. 

I’m putting this here about my migraines because I had a panic attack over the fact that if I can’t work out I'm gonna gain weight, I'm not going to get to where I want myself, where ill be happy with my self. 

Its making me gain weight I'm even getting them if I get over exerted at work. My mom who I think knows of my ed but never actually says anything just try's to get me to eat. I think she wants me to go to the doctor. 

How do I go to a doctor and say I get migraines when I workout or work to hard and it caused me a panic attack because I cant work or go to gym. She will laugh me out the room thinking I'm lying or being lazy. 

I've suffered migraines since a kid. Yes, they are getting worse but my doctor never did anything before why would they now? 

I feel lost again. I feel out of control. Like I'm spinning and every one around me is still and calm. I don’t want to go back to how I once was... 

[arcaneyouth]

(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)

[steampoweredskeleton]

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