#i feel like i have to put up a disclaimer that i'm not diagnosed every time

[shoechoe]

i don't really care much about all the character polls going on but it is very funny that DIO is losing on round 1* to Marceline on the bi/pan monarch tournament. he deserves it make him lose

EDIT: i checked again it is actually round 2. i can't read apparently. still though he should lose

[my-little-delusions]

To the Ends of the Universe Pt. 1 - Dick Grayson x Reader

Pairings: Dick Grayson x Reader (Romantic), Bruce Wayne x Assistant!Pennyworth!Reader, Donna x Reader (Platonic)

Warnings: Death, cursing, violence, talk of self harm, talk of domestic abuse, talk of terminal illness and hospitals, experiments, smut (skippable)

(It's a long summary I know I'm sorry. Read it or don't.)

Summary: When you were 6 years old, you were diagnosed with a terminal illness. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, and your health would rapidly decline. You wouldn't live past 8 years old. Your parents refused to take that answer and decided to make their own cure for you. However, they couldn't stop there, they didn't just want to make you healthy, they wanted to make you super. Make sure nothing could put you in harms way ever again. After a faulty experiment when you were 10 years old, the lab they worked out of, killed your parents and left you a sole survivor.

When reports of a "super kid" loose on the streets reached Wayne Manor, Bruce picked you up. Alfred ended up adopting you legally, but when Bruce realized you had no control of your powers, he decided to train you. Teach you how to use your powers and keep them under control.

A year later Bruce adopted Dick. Growing up and Training side by side you and Dick were inseparable. Your crush on Dick, the cute guy you would with a year older than you, only got worse. As well as his protectiveness over you. Your relationship flourished and you two seemed unstoppable. But what happens when Dick convinces you to leave Gotham? Make a new life for yourselves all on your own.

Disclaimer: I am fully aware my timeline/numbers are screwy, don't think about it. This is based solely on the Titans show, it is definitely not comic accurate lol.

--------------------

"I wish we could stay like this forever" Dick says, his hand brushing my hair gently behind my ears. The night breeze blowing wisps of it back into my face. He leans in ever so slightly, his eyes locked in with mine. Looking at me full of love and admiration. Causing my heart to swell.

He's never failed to make me feel the way he did when we were kids.

I smile at him softly, tilting my head to lean my face into his gloved hand. Slowly, my hand reaches up to grasp around his wrist, pulling his hand away from my face.

I can tell through his mask that his face falls slightly. I cup his hand between both of mine in my lap. His gaze falls down.

"Dick," I sigh, squeezing his hand, watching as he casts his eyes away to look at the city lights below us, "Look at me... please" His eyes dart up to look at mine, flickering away slightly, "Stop stalling. You have to tell me eventually,"

He takes a deep breath. Eyes hardening.

"I am going to quit Robin, quit Batman. The whole thing."

My grip on his hand loosens a bit, the shock settling in, "W-what?"

"I can't do it anymore Y/n, I-I mean you've seen what it's done to me," His voice wavers a bit but his tone is harsh.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't be here anymore. This... place. It's making me a person I never wanna be. I'm becoming just like Bruce. A violent, paranoid, detached person."

"But-"

"No buts! I need to do this." He says, sounding completely serious.

My breath hitches a bit before I go to speak, letting go of his hand and shifting to sit an inch further from him, "Dick. I love you. I will always love you. Bruce saved us. Both of us. We'd be dead without him. But he's also done us some damage. I will miss you, with every part of my being but I think it's a good idea for you to go. Y-you should get out of here. You're right, G-gotham is eating you alive and I-I can see it. I am so sorry I let it happen without saying anything. B-but you are going to do great things out in the world."

My lips wobble as tears prick my eyes but I try to contain myself. Not wanting to make Dick feel guilty.

"Woahwoahwoah. Y/n. Baby. No. I want you to come with me. I need you with me." He says, almost launching himself, this time grabbing both my hands in his, forcing me to look up at him and his hopeful eyes.

"What? Dick... I.. I don't know. I mean, I don't want to lose you but Bruce needs me. I can't just abandon him. After everything he has done for me. Now that Alfred is gone... Batman can be Batman without a Robin. Bruce can't be Bruce without a Pennyworth. I owe it to him. I'm sorry Dick."

It is silent for a moment. The wheels in Dick's head churning away.

"Then I won't go."

"But-"

"No."

"Dick-"

"Y/n I can't leave you! I won't!"

"Dick that's crazy!" I yell, standing up on the ledge we were sitting on, throwing my hands up,

"What do you mean it's crazy?!"

"We have known each other all our lives. It's always been just the two of us. When is the last time you got close with anyone remotely close to our age since Bruce took us in? I mean seriously Dick!" Exasperated, I pause to catch my breath, "... I love you. You mean everything to me, but I refuse to hold you back! You've only ever known me, what if your true soulmate, the person you're really supposed to be with is out there! I mean, hell, Donna? Dawn? Someone new? If you go out there I know you will find someone. I mean, you're a catch Dick," I say, trying to pass it off as a joke with a forced laugh, however the softness of my tone does little to hide quiver in my voice, "I can't let you ruin yourself. I can't let you stay in Gotham and fall apart right in front of my eyes just for me." I say solemnly, looking down at my feet.

Dick gets up as well, chasing after me to the spot I stormed over to in my rant, "Are you kidding me Y/n? I love you! I don't want anyone else! Donna was a crush I had for a month and you know damn well Dawn and I didn't work out because I couldn't forget about you! I've always wanted you! I will always want you! No one out there is meant for me but you! You are my end game. Don't you understand that?" He shouted, his voice growing hoarse and cracking, the veins in his neck protruding slightly as he strained, "I will just work harder. Get stronger. If that's what it takes to stay with you it's what I'm gonna do."

There Dick stood, right in front of me, his chest heaving as he caught his breath. The air in front of his face fogging up.

My eyes filled with water as I fiddled with my fingers, "I'm sorry Dick," I barely whisper.

Without missing a beat Dick wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug and burying my face in his chest.

"Don't be sorry, just let me do this," His says, kissing the top of my head, "I'm not leaving you, okay?"

"Okay."

-------------------

"Thank you, Y/n." Bruce said, walking into the batcave.

"Always," I sigh, a smile on my face, spinning around in the chair at my console.

"I don't know what I would do without you," He says.

I pause, shocked that Bruce would say something so kind casually.

"I don't know either," I snicker. Standing up from my chair and pulling together all of my stuff, "Is there anything else you would like me to do before I tuck in for the night?"

"No thank you, you have done plenty tonight,"

"Okay," I sigh, "Please, Bruce... Get some sleep."

"No promises... but I'll try,"

With a smile I make my way out of the batcave and up the steps. My steps speeding up as I excitedly head up to Dick's room.

"Dick?" I call softly, poking my head around the doorframe.

Then I pause.

I hear something.

It sounds like... sniffling?

That can't be Dick.

Dick has cried in Wayne Manor since we were kids.

I hear a rushed shuffling followed by a hoarse, "Come in,"

Walking in wearily I see Dick, seated at the end of the bed, his cheeks stained with tears and his eyes painfully red.

"Oh.. babe," I say dropping, my stuff on the floor and finding myself at his side. Wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders the best I can. Rubbing his back and his shoulder gently.

He tries to shrug my arms off ever so slightly, "It's nothing, don't worry about it,"

Without saying anything I just continue to hold him, pulling him in a little tighter. Waiting patiently in silence.

After a little while, the sound of sniffling returns, his shoulders shaking. Dick leans over, resting his head on my chest, letting me wrap my arms around him fully. Only then does he release his tears fully. Allowing himself to sob in my arms.

"I-I almost b-beat somebody to d-death. Y/n I-I almost k-killed him," He struggles put in between his shaky breathes, "I-I don't like who I'm becoming," He says quietly to himself.

After that, I let him cry in my arms for hours. Until finally he had exhausted himself of all his tears and passed out. Tucking him into our shared bed, I admire him, looking more peaceful than I realize he has in a long time.

Shedding a few silent tears of my own, I climb into bed next to him. Finding myself exhausted but unable to let myself sleep. Not after this.

--------------------

"Hey" A voice whispers to me, disturbing me from my sleep, "Y/n"

Sitting up a bit, I rub my eyes, letting them adjust to the light. Turning my head, I see dick, already dressed and ready for the day.

Weird.

He usually wakes me up right away.

"Good morning baby," He says smiling and kissing my cheek, pretending like nothing happened the night before.

I just sit there, shocked, stunned, eyes wide.

"Did you sleep okay? I was thinking for breakfast I could-"

"Let's leave Gotham."

"-maybe make some..thing... wait, what did you say?"

"Let's quit. I'll go with you Dick,"

"But you said-"

"I changed my mind."

"But Bruce-"

"I care about you more."

He pauses for a minute, just starting at me, "Are you sure about this?"

"Dick...I want this, for you, and for me. I want to go with you."

My heart feels a bit heavy at just how much his face lights up when I say that. The guilt of ever making him stay here eating away at me.

"I love you," He says breathly and quickly before connecting our lips.

*Gets a little steamy here, skip if needed to the next red*

Gently, Dick pushes me down onto the bed, climbing on top of me.

He pulls away for a second, eyes filled with lust and love as he looks me over, "god I can't wait to start a new life with you,"

Without hesitating, he attaches his lips to my neck and slides his hand down the front of my pants, his fingers immediately find my clit.

"Fuck, Dick," I moan, throwing my head back.

"Your so fucking beautiful,"

His other free hand slips under the bottom of my shirt. Chills run down my spine at the feeling of his calloused hands grazing the skin of my waist.

Lifting his head from the crook of my neck, he begins to pepper kisses all over my face.

All of a sudden, the loud alarms of our phones go off. It's Bruce. Calling us down.

"Fuck." We both say.

I whine as Dick removes his hand from my pants.

Both of us panting slightly, looking each other before I finally say, "we have to actually go see what he needs, you know."

"I know," He says smirking, "I just need a minute to get rid of this hard-on you gave me,"

I roll my eyes, pushing him off me slightly, "You know... we have to tell him as well," I say, a little solemnly.

"Leave that me, don't worry," He says, reassuring me.

----------

*Time Skip*

"Here we go," I say, a wide smile plastered on my face that I can't contain.

Dick turns his head smiling back at me, one hand on the wheel of our truck and the other one rested on my thigh, "I'm so glad you came with me,"

"I'd follow you to the ends of the universe," I say to him, "I know you would too."

Pt. 2

[fatal-blow]

Self-Massage and Myofascial Pain: Do You Have Low Back Pain?

"Doesn't everyone?" you say. No, actually. Yeah, I find the concept baffling too. However, you too could not have back pain for the low, low price of skimming this post.

The short story of all this is that I've been learning about trigger points, myofascial pain syndrome, and the science of good posture, and I've become so absolutely furious that this stuff isn't common knowledge--

(I have encountered ONE healthcare professional who knows SOME of what I know. FUCKING ONE. And myofascial pain is something that Every Single Human Person has experienced.)

--that I'm making little self-diagnosing guides for common pain patterns based on my own experience as well as The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook, which is now my fucking bible.

Common concerns:

"I'm pretty sure it's just my fibromyalgia." Fibromyalgia and myofascial pain have tons of overlap, so I recommend looking into this regardless!

"I do have pain, but it's carpal tunnel/stomach ulcer/tendonitis/arthritis." Myofascial pain is frequently misdiagnosed, and the treatment for it is easy and unintrusive. Even if the problem isn't myofascial, practicing myofascial release can help relieve muscles associated with these conditions.

"Will I hurt myself?" Probably not*. Self-massage can cause bruising if you're a little enthusiastic, like myself, but you won't cause long term damage. Maintaining focus and avoiding pulses are your only concerns, and they are mild.

*Some health conditions can make self-massage a bit dicey. I recommend a little research beforehand if youre worried.

"What does myofascial pain feel like?" A lot of things, to put it simply. Some signs of myofascial pain that I've come across are: areas that feel like bruises with no actual bruising, skin sensitivity (if you get pain from, say, running your hand over it in the shower), an assortment of symptoms from various things that seem unrelated, pain that doesn't go away with rest, pain with no clear cause, and more.

"Do I need massage though? Shouldn't I rest?" You also should rest, yeah, but here's the thing. Myofascial pain can be Instantly Relieved with self-massage. So why wait?

Furthermore, trigger points, the cause of these pains, don't always go away with rest. They can create positive feedback loops. If untreated, more trigger points can crop up, and the pain gets worse and spreads. Targetted massage can break that loop.

"Dude, I'm concerned by how much of a conspiracy theory this sounds like." Brother me too. Miracle cures aren't a thing, but stumbling across this information sure has felt like one, given I feel better than I have in years. Just...hear me out on this one. It won't harm you to try these techniques.

"What even ARE trigger points? What's myofascial pain syndrome??"

That's a long answer that I'll need to save for another post. You don't need to know what it is or how it works, though. Just how to treat it.

For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional at anything except for being in pain, and constantly weaseling out ways to not be in pain. All this information can, more or less, be found in The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook by Claire and Amber Davies. I'm just organizing it into a more accessible guide for myself and others.

--

I have low back pain, and my feet, knees, and hips also hurt. I might also have widespread pain in general.

This combination of symptoms is often tied to postural issues, and usually it's Morton's Foot (not to be confused with Morton's Neuroma).

One in four people have this quirk in their anatomy. The short of it is that the foot distributes your body weight across two points instead of three--which can leave you feeling off balance.

Mortons Foot can cause widespread pain. If you have other conditions such as hypermobile joints or anxiety, watch out!

Go to www.mortonsfoot.com. They'll explain it better than I can. I can also tell you they're legit; I bought insoles from them and boy do they Work.

Other symptoms: sensitive feet, frequent sprains/rolling of ankle, bad posture, unusual worn spots in footwear.

--

The pain is in a horizontal band across my back.

The nature of trigger points is that referred pain patterns can seem nonsensical. A horizontal band of pain ANYWHERE in the back, not just the low back, can be caused by the abdominal muscles.

Can be caused by slouching, improper lifting, and overworking abs with exercises like sit ups.

Associated with the pain in your back after a hard day of work. This is the source of the "back breaking" in back breaking labour.

Massage Tips:

Do this lying down. Prop your head and shoulders on a couple pillows. Make sure you're warm, cozy, and comfy.

Lower abs should be massaged with fingertips, using your other hand to support them. Use your middle three fingers and begin by searching for tender points. Focus on the central muscle. Raise your head or legs to feel them contract.

If you find a tender point (and I do mean tender. If you're not familiar with pain, you might become concerned. Don't be--your body and mind are made so that you won't hurt yourself doing this) hang out and get to know that muscle. Seek out the spot that hurts the most.

Abdominal muscles go lower than you think. Get your fingers right down in the pelvis. Root around in there like a boar roots around for truffles.

Once you've got your guy, use short strokes from one end of the point to the other. Pain is subjective, but your goal is not to be in agony. Each stroke should cause a sensation right before you would classify it as pain. If you're grimacing, or tensing your muscles, ease off.

You only need 10-12 of these strokes. Search around for other tender points, do the same until you can't find anymore.

Your pain should have eased by now. If some, but not all, has disappeared, or you didn't find any success, try the other techniques in this post.

For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.

Your goal: To relax and soften the muscles as much as possible. Heat and other relaxation techniques will help. One session should be enough to bring some relief, but you should repeat this until you stop finding tender spots.

After massage, stand up and gently stretch out your abdominals three times.

--

The pain is on one side, possibly both, and I sit a lot.

The section above can also help chronic sitters, but this section is the meat of the issue for us. My experience with this pain is that it's sharper and more debilitating than typical low back pain. It can make it hard to walk.

Caused by...sitting a lot. Wheelchair users take note, I wouldn't be surprised if this one could help y'all out.

This one is more likely to cause limping. Do you sit with your knees up a lot? This muscle doesn't take kindly to that. You also might have trouble getting up from low seats

Be careful with this one. If it's active, it's gonna hurt like a bitch to poke around.

Massage Tips:

Like the previous massage, lie down with your shoulders and head slightly propped up. Have an extra pillow on hand.

Pick which side you're working on. Prop your knees up, and lay your knees AWAY from your chosen side. Use the pillow to lay them on.

Use the tips of your fingers, using the opposite hand to support them, for massage. You can also put your fingers back to back (make a T) to dig deeper.

Find the hip bone. You can easily start by poking around the inside of it, top to bottom. When you find tender spots, massage with short strokes. Look for the sensation that precedes pain.

You can go deeper by pressing down into the area between the hip bone and belly button. If you feel a pulse, move closer to the hip bone. If you can't get away from the pulse, or if you've found a pulsing mass, go to the hospital. Not joking on that one.

If you're have trouble finding the muscle, bring your knee towards you. It helps if you do this with resistance against the knee. You should feel the psoas muscles flex.

For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.

Your goal: Relax, again try not to elicit so much pain that you're tense or grimacing. If these muscles aren't the cause of your pain, you might not even be able to feel it. Sometimes, the psoas muscles are so sensitive that you can barely touch them. Even the lightest massage can help, though, and over time you'll be able to put more pressure.

After massage, gently stretch the leg on that side behind you three times. This is best done while standing. Be careful not to strain it if you are lying down.

--

Feels like, or has been diagnosed as, sciatica.

Sounds like you've got butt problems. Yup, you've got a pain in the ass. Different from Morton's Foot because the pain comes from the hips, and rarely refers all the way down to the feet.

Appropriately, your butt might be tender. Pain tends to extend across the hips, both above and below the belt line

We qualify this as low back pain, but if you put your hand overtop of the painful area it's more like back, upper hip, though that's not always the case.

Usually only one side, but can be both.

Massage tips:

Get yourself a tennis ball. If you're short enough, a doorknob will do in a pinch. If you have access to a Theracane, that's great too.

Brace against your tool of choice using a wall. Start on the outside of your hip, beneath the hip bone. Keep your knee bent and put your weight on the opposite foot. Look for tender areas and massage them out--look for the sensation that precedes pain.

You can also sit to get at your butt muscles easier.

Work all across the outside hip and all across the butt. Hell, get other areas of the lower back while you're here too. This will kill so many birds with one tennis ball.

For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.

Your goals: This massage is a bit tougher to control the pressure on, but fortunately the tool you're using is broad enough that it won't elicit the intense sensations that other trigger points can. The back of your hip should feel looser and more relaxed.

After massage, guide the hip through its range of motion. Don't force movement if it feels like the joint is "catching" or if pain intensifies--at worst the area should only be a bit sore afterwards.

--

Pain is a deep ache that feels like it's in the spine itself.

This pain is actually from your spine! Well, generally. A lot of muscle pain gets referred away from the problem point, but these guys are right where you expect them.

Admittedly I have less experience with this back pain, but typically pain is also accompanied by your back feeling stiff as a board. It's the pain typically associated with throwing out your back.

This pain often gets blamed on osteoarthritis, but even if you have signs of damage on xrays, sometimes it's muscular.

Fun fact: these muscles, which run along the spine and interconnect the vertebrae, are only relaxed in two positions: lying on your back, and standing up straight. So if they're tensed up when doing either, something is going on.

Massage Tips

Tennis balls and objects of similar size can help, but sometimes don't penetrate through the muscles well enough. For an extra boost of gravity, you can also lie on a bed, with your tool of choice on top of a paperback book.

Follow the pain, massage it until it feels better. Don't be afraid to dig in if you aren't getting results. The muscle here is thick.

Best practice is getting the tennis ball into the groove of your spine and just going to fucking town.

Theracane can also be used.

For more in depth info on self-massage, check out this post.

Your goal: Your hope is to see a release of tension in the back. Before and after massage, lie down with a heat pack and relax to help soften the muscles.

Don't worry too much about stretching out these muscles until you have more confidence in your body again. It's easy to overstretch and undo all the progress you've made.

--

And that's about it for lower back. I'm happy to add any clarification on these points if necessary, but please don't come into my inbox expecting me to diagnose you.

If you're a friend/mutual, though, feel free to hmu for more specific advice.

Final note: expect to need to work on these more than once, and don't be surprised if you only get relief once you've tried some or all of these. Experimentation is your best friend with myofascial pain, and even if it's not the source of your problems, it's good to gain familiarity with your body and the pain you experience.

[softevnstan]

³.⍭ 𝐈𝐭 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞

pairing. bucky barnes x gender netural!reader

summary. you couldn't believe the name that graced the file on your desk for your new patient. james 'bucky' barnes. you'd heard of him - even studied some of his history during college for psychology classes. never would you have imagined he'd be sent to your office, looking for help.

a.n. yeahhh i couldn't do this as just a one time thing. this is going to be a multi-part i write to update every now and again. so for today you have crumbs of what your first session is like. as someone who's been diagnosed with c-ptsd and has a butt-load of trauma, i'm writing bucky's experience in therapy based on my own. that being said i do not condone patient/therapist irl or any of that power balance outside of fiction. gross. that's the only disclaimer for this series tho going forward, i'm not gonna tag that everytime.

edit. part two is here yall

“So, Mr. Barnes, from what I’m understanding, you'd like to make me your primary therapist and discontinue working with Doctor Raynor?” Perhaps if you knew you’d be in this situation, you would’ve mentally prepared yourself a little better for the day when you got up out of bed that morning.

Being a therapist certainly wasn’t without its obstacles, no – It’s a lot to listen to someone else’s problems and just how many callus and evil things happen in the world. It also has its moments where it reminds you just how vile people can be, too. From children all the way to elderly, you’ve seen countless patients. They come back because you’re passionate about your job; Not looking at these people as paychecks but as living, breathing people. And sometimes people just need someone to talk to; there’s no shame in that.

You just never anticipated you’d have a war hero on your office couch, though. That was not on the radar when you were working towards your Master’s Degree. 

James “Bucky” Buchanan Barnes sat across from your beige and brown striped armchair on the couch. He looked lonely in the middle; For a man so broad, it would be impressive how small he could make himself if not for the fact it was simultaneously heart wrenching. Cobalt eyes struggled to meet your gaze from the moment he walked into the office to begin the session. His body looked awfully stiff, and his eyes dark like he hadn’t had a good night’s rest in weeks. Perhaps months.

“Yes.” He answers stiffly, “Please.” At least he’s sure to mind his manners despite the clear discomfort radiating from the soldier across from you. But his quiet and taut demeanor is discouraging: “It’s important that you are comfortable here, Mr. Barnes. Therapy is something that works best when it doesn’t feel forced…” “I am comfortable,” Bucky jumps to correct, earning a slight raise of a brow from you before schooling your expression once more. “Comfortable enough. I’m just new to… this.” The man makes a vague gesture with his hands between the both of you; Aching eyes speaking more than words ever will when Bucky briefly raises them to look at you.

The first step is wanting to heal. Bucky’s already showing initiative by being present - by putting his foot forward to try to find a therapist better suited to him rather than just throwing his hands up after the first dead end. That’s good. You can work with that. 

Your lips curl into a soft, welcoming smile. “Change can be scary, especially when we don’t understand what all is changing or what could come from it. With us working together, though, I can only do as much as you let me. It’s going to be intimidating, and you may not like it, but I want to help you feel better, Mr. Barnes. You deserve to feel better.” Positive reinforcements are always a good thing so long as they’re not condescending or passive aggressive. It’s all in the delivery, you’ve learned. It’s important patients feel comfortable when they’re with you – how else are they expected to be honest, then?

Bucky looks quizzically for a few moments before once more averting his anxious gaze. It made your heart hurt to see a man so beaten down and on edge; it felt so obvious to you, but then again, you were educated on how to find the tells. You could read him like a book right then. Feel everything radiating off of him, almost.

“What kind of things will you do..?” Bucky inquires after a beat.

“Well, I’d like you to start keeping a journal that we could use for our sessions. It’ll help you keep a record of what you’re feeling and we could use it like a workbook – there’d be homework involved, but there’d be nothing I know you can’t handle.”

“Homework?”

You smile, a nod of your head: “Work sheets, sometimes I’ll ask you to read something for me or answer a few questions, sometimes I’ll give you a worksheet you can use when necessary – then the next time I see you, we’ll go over what you’ve brought back and assess together so I can help you understand.”

He’s tentative to the idea, you can see it. It’s clear Bucky is very selective and reserved. You can only imagine how much strife this poor man has been through. But you see the light in him. You do. He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to get better.

“...I don’t want to be unhappy anymore,” Bucky says, almost not catching the words if not for the fact the room is silent except for the two of you. “I can help you, Bucky,” you assure him, voice sincere. “We just need to work together and let me give you the tools to be happy. Do you think you can do that for me, Mr. Barnes?”

It’s clear your words seem to rock Bucky in some way, because he looks at you with something that almost resembles shock. As if he’s never heard anyone say something like that to him, has never wanted to help him become himself again. And if his experiences with Raynor is anything to base off of, Bucky needs a proper support system and someone who’s there with his best interest in mind. You can be that for him - even if it is your job irregardless. 

He’s silent, eyes darting away and breaking the brief moment of eye contact between the both of you. Then, a nod.

“I can try.” it might as well be a promise.

“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you.”

[angst-king]

For better or worse

(Disclaimer. This story is an Eijirou x physically disabled reader...I'm doing this based on my own experience, I'm going to be a lil vague about my other disability. Though if ya'll want a pt 2 I can include the name. The reader is still gender-neutral. CW will contain a description of being paralyzed, as well as having a seizure. Also brief mention of sex)

Eijirou Kirishima was the most caring hero anyone had ever met. Hell, he smiled more than Deku when it came to saving people! He knew how to make people feel safe, he knew how to make people laugh. He knew how to bolster people’s confidence in themselves. That especially was true for you, he always knew how to brighten up your day. He how to get you out of the house, he knew when to leave you be. He knew something was wrong but anytime he asked you wouldn’t say, you just told him it was fine.

Truth be told everything wasn’t fine, everything was a dumpster fire! You felt sick every day, you’d been having seizures on top of your other disabilities. The thing was due to Eijirou’s busy schedule he wasn’t home often enough to witness your seizures. They were new and started just over a month ago, you had already spoken to a doctor who diagnosed you with epilepsy but your medication was taking forever to get authorized. The seizures hurt, you’d hit your head several times though nothing too serious, and you’d end up mildly concussed but it was nothing! You could handle it! You could push through it, you’d been through worse right?

The seizures on top of your other disabilities didn’t make anything better. There were days you struggled to get out of bed, you’d feel too nauseated to make anything for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. There were days when your legs were too weak to hold you up so you’d have to use your crutches. There were many times when you’d just collapse to the floor as soon as you got out of bed. Eijirou didn’t know anything about this. Well, he knew about your prior disability, but it seemed stable until now. You didn’t need to tell him, once you got your medications things would be fine!

One night he came home early to surprise you with ingredients to make your favorite dinner. Shio Ramen, you wanted to help him make it. He noticed how you stumbled and stood on the edges of your feet, leaning against the counter.

“You okay babe?” He asked, you nodded as you continued cutting the green onions. You couldn’t tell if it was your epilepsy or your other disability making your legs feel weak. Until you start to feel short of breath, your insides start to shake, and the paralyzation creeps up your legs, through your back, out to your arms and fingers, and up your neck. You could feel as if you struggled to stay upright. Biting your lip and forcing your fingers to grip the knife tighter, hoping that if you ignored it long enough it would go away. Sadly for you, that wasn’t the case. You wobbled and quietly called out.

“E-Eijirou” Before you fell to the ground. Thankfully Eijirou was quick enough to grab you, wrapping his arms around your torso he gently lowered you to the floor and called your name worriedly. He gets up only to turn off the burner on the stove so nothing would burn then brings his attention back to you. Pulling you to his chest as he called out to you hoping to get a response out of you. This wasn’t the seizures you were having, this was just your main disability putting you in what you called physical overstimulation. You could feel everything if felt like your insides were on fire, as if someone put icy hot patches all over you but you were unable to move.

“Y/N can you hear me!?” He cried out worriedly, you looked up at him and gave the best nod you could. But then you felt another sensation, you could feel the world rocking like a giant boat that was riding all the highest waves. You felt a stiff feeling in the base of your neck before your head began to rock back and forth. Now your body went from limp to half ridgid in Eijirou’s arms. Your eyes rolled back into your head, this was the seizure. Although Eijirou had never seen you have one he’d been around plenty of times when your body had given out. He urgently pulled off his sweatshirt, balled it up, and placed it on the floor while your head was ramming against his thigh. Once that was done he shifted you onto your side laying your head on the sweatshirt. He watched anxiously as your body stiffened, flexed, jerked, and hit the floor. Even though it had only been seconds it felt like forever!

Once the convulsing slowed to a stop and your body went limp once again he started tapping on your shoulder to wake you. He was so happy to have retaken his first aid training, he wouldn’t know what to do without it! After another few seconds of silence, a small groan escaped you. Your hands reach out towards him. You couldn’t see him, your eyes hadn’t relaxed enough to reset yet. Though you could hear him, you tried to speak but your jaw trembled and barely a sound could come out. Eijirou’s hand reached yours gently as he reassured you that he hadn’t left.

He shifted you once again, now into a sitting position, and asked if he could check you over. Suddenly an intense fear washed over you. You tried to scurry away from him making a frightened muffled cry. Anxiety began to swallow you whole, hyperventilating and trembling. Your hands rush along your body pulling, yanking, tugging, and grabbing at yourself. Eijirou was alarmed, he’d never seen you like this! You’d never tried to crawl away from him, were you afraid of him? He lowered the volume of his voice to a much softer one as he called your name and grabbed you. Pulling you to his chest, you did everything but scream but he didn’t let go. He wrapped his arms around you in a soft yet first embrace that kept you from grabbing at yourself. He brought you to his chest and rocked his body in a soothing slow motion while humming.

He repeated many phrases such as

“(Y/n) Its me Eijriou” “I’m here now baby, I’ve got you” “Deep breaths for me, yeah?” “Just focus on my voice okay, baby.” “Keep breathing, I’m not going anywhere”

Neither of you knew how long you two had stayed like that, but it was working. Soon you were just holding onto his arms loosely leaning against his frame. You Eijirou ended up carrying you to bed and staying curled up with you until you fell asleep. He stayed awake, he wanted to make sure you’d sleep through the night, not to mention his mind was racing with his thoughts of what had happened. What did he just see? Should he have taken you to the hospital? Would you be okay? He was sure as hell not going in to work tomorrow!

The next day came and you woke up sore all over from your episode the other day. You looked over to see Eijirou wasn’t lying next to you, must’ve gone to work. You grabbed your phone and logged the seizure time and date in your notes app to keep track for medical record's sake. Just as you were going to get out of bed Eijirou came back with coffee.

“Morning sunshine!” You were surprised to see he was still home, you looked at the time and knew he’d usually be out on patrol by now! He handed you your cup of ice coffee, you almost forgot that Eijirou was even there when it happened until he brought it up.

“Babe, you okay?” “hm yeah I’m fine” You replied as you sipped on your coffee, he went over to you with a solemn look on his face as he continued.

“You….you scared me yesterday…what happened?” You couldn’t look him in the eyes, you didn’t want to tell him, you didn’t want him to leave you.

“It…it was nothing” You muttered, he shook his head and set down his drink.

“(Y/n) last night was not nothing, please, just tell me.” You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes, you tried turning away from him completely. You didn’t want him to see you cry, you hated crying…You always felt so vulnerable, so exposed…like injured prey ready to be devoured by a beast. Eijirou slid onto the bed beside you and huffed.

“You know you can tell me anything, I won't think less of you.” “H-how can you be so sure” You spoke up finally, Eijirou looked back over to you and pulled you back into him.

“Because there’s nothing that could make me love you less.” “What if I told you…I-I had epilepsy…and my other disability was getting worse again.” Eijirou’s eyes went wide, concern chilling his veins as he asked.

“H-how long has this been happening” “A-a month or so” There was a silence that lay so thick you could cut through it with a serrated knife. Eijirou’s head swam with thoughts, wondering why you waited so long. Did you not trust him? Did you think he’d leave you? Like before he wrapped his arms around you, this time he brought up his legs to keep you in his hold. Almost like a cage but you felt….safe? The warmth of his body, the way his fingers delicately hooked around you.

“(Y/n) I love you more than you could imagine, I’d hate for anything to happen to you all because I didn’t know. I love you so much it hurts me to know you felt like you couldn’t tell me. I will never just drop you because of something so out of your control. Pl-please, let me be there for you, it-it’s all I ask.” You heard the way his voice trembled as he spoke, you never wanted to upset him or make him feel that way.

“I-I’m sorry Eijirou…..I didn’t…I…” You didn’t know what to say, you have never met someone who cared for you this way. You grew up being neglected by your parents when it came to your medical problems. Made to feel as if you were weak for needed mobility assistance. You had been taught to push through pain because no one would come to help you. The countless times you had been left on the floor by those who said they loved you haunted you to your core. You couldn’t truly understand why Eijirou would want anything to do with you.

“I’m not easy to be with you know, doctor appointments, hospital trips, medications. I don’t even know how it's going to go sexually-.” “(Y/n)….I don’t care if it's a while before we can have sex again, I’ll live.” “You’ll get tired of it, you’ll get bored, you’ll see just how weak I am, and-” Suddenly a set of lips were pressed to yours shutting you up almost immediately. His grip on your body held firm but not painful, it was loving, it was gentle, it was Eijirou. When he pulled away he looked you in the eyes and spoke.

“I will love you now and forever, you are not useless, weak, boring, or whatever derogatory term you’ve been called. I won't let you call yourself those things either. You’ve made it this far, and I will do what I can to get you as far as possible. I’m not going any damn where. So please, don’t try and hide from me, I want to help.” Your hands weekly balled up into fists but loosened as you breathed.

“Why do you love someone who will keep you tied down, I’m like a weight that will limit you…That's how I feel, I don’t want to be the reason you don’t go and do things, or be the thing you worry about constantly. You don’t deserve that, Eijirou” “Sweetheart you are not weighing me down, yes I worry about you because I care what happens to you. I care that you are safe, that you are loved. You are not something You are someone, and you make me happy. Coming home to you is what makes me happy and I don’t care if I have to help you once I do. For better or for worse I-I’m going to be here.” He says kissing the top of your head, you nod quietly and just say.

“Okay then” It's not that you were purposefully ending the conversation for your own sake…It was because you could feel your boyfriend’s tears falling onto your shoulder. You both sat there, you still in Eijirou’s arms, drinking your coffee as you thought over everything he had said. You both stayed like this for over an hour, until you turned around to face him with a small smile.

“I love you too Eijirou.”

[scleracentipede]

I'm not a system, so I don't think I could nor should write Scarecrow with DID, but I would love to hear your headcanons. I really appreciate new view points to stuff like this, especially when it comes from someone with the condition. Please, if you don't mind educating--I'd love to hear what you have to say <3

thank you so much sending this ask - i love to talk about my system!Scarecrow headcanons and to talk about DID in general

I have a lot to say so I'm going to put it under the cut so people who just follow for art don't get a wall of text.

If anyone else in our systems wants to add their own headcanons, they'll probably add it in a reblog because, in a specfically ironic system way, we have too many thoughts on this!

DISCLAIMER: I'm just one pwDID, not a medical professional. I've been diagnosed for nearly decade years but not all systems have or want to be medically diagnosed nor does DID/other forms of systemhood manifest in the same ways for everyone. This is not a post to debate systems on or for discourse.

Firstly, does DC Comics write DID and other plurality well? No. Does DID make someone a murder? No (side eyes every DC property where they give Scarecrow or another rogue DID and an evil alter).

Scarecrow having DID would not make them evil nor should they be wrote with a evil alter. They would be a person with DID who happens to also be a bit of an evil asshole.

So headcanons:

I think Scarecrow would have not been diagnosed until after ending up in Arkham but had suspicions of it and had been working on system communication based on their own knowledge as a doctor

They experience quite bad dissocaitive amensia and other dissociation which they can find quite disabling and disorientating but as a quite quiet person tend to keep this distress to themself.

They technically have 2 co-hosts of the system who front just as frequently as each.

I think their system overall prefers to be referred to as Scarecrow as a collective name (our systems collective name is PJ or Phantoms)

Thier cohost are Jonathan (he/him), who identifies closest with thier body, and The Hessian (it/it), an introject of the Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow.

The Hessian was formed as a protector to cope with thier abuse growing up and tends to front when they are doing Scarecrow crimes/fighting Batman as it tends to be more confident and less nervous then Jonathan.

Hessian is alot more confident when talking to people it has a crush on then Jonathan who tends to just go non-verbal if flirted with.

Jonathan however is the one who actually makes fear toxin and is just as deadly but in a more manipulative social way (Hessian is not the most socially aware). Jonathan tended to front for their job and he is more of an ANP (apparently normal part) though still struggles with severe anxiousness.

They have a few other alters who front less often including a trauma holder little named Keeney (named after their mothers' surname, any pronouns) who only really fronts around certain other rogues and friends who they feel safe with (e.g., Harley, Jervis etc.) or when fear toxined.

I also want to say they are all definitely autistic and their singing of nursey rhymes is just a stimming and grounding technique that Hessian uses when feeling switchy.

I think as well they have one alter who identifies as a woman which caused Jonathan alot of identity crisises as when she is co-con with him.

I don't think she often tells people when she's fronting and most peole don't know her name (Raven).

She is a bit of asshole and their systems' main persecutor as in she tries to keep them safe but just pushes people away out of a fear of being hurt and repeats the abuse they recieved from their grandmother as child in an attempt to keep them 'safe' by trying to follow those unfair rules.

(Scriddler Time) Edward prides himself of learning to tell whose fronting based on subtle mannerisms (and slight changes in their accent getting stronger) and often calls them by the correct name before they've even realised whose fronting or said so themself. (They secretly appreciate his efforts it makes things so much easier).

Them and the Two Face bond over their systemhood but often make each other very switchy by accident.

I could talk about this forever but if you have any specific things you'd like to know about their system/each alters relationship with other rogues/etc. please send asks!

Thank you for asking and wanting to learn! (We've loved your writing/memes/scans for years so receiving this ask made our day thank you)

-Horror (He/They/It)

[izamationbroker]

Hey there ~

If you're still doing the diagnose-ur-fave thing, do you agree with wawawawawawawawawawawawawa-senpais take of Izaya having aspd? (okay i know you probably do i just really like talking about Izaya)

And also, would you diagnose Shinra with anything?

Sorry to only just now be getting to this, I had a lot on my plate the past few days lol! I didn't want to just bum-rush this and send it out because I've been really wanting an excuse to go ham about this topic in particular!

You're absolutely correct in assuming I agree with Wa-kun's ASPD Izaya take, and I actually think Shinra ALSO fits the bill for ASPD pretty well, too, just in a different way! I wanted to go pretty thoroughly through the actual criteria of the DSM-5 available on OpenLibrary to illustrate this point, but I have a few disclaimers to get out of the way first:

Most people with ASPD (Aspids, as my fiance and brother like to call them, both of which are Aspids themselves) rather dislike the DSM's criteria for diagnosis on the basis that it is rooted purely in external behaviors and never the internal experience of the person WITH it. It gives the image that Aspids don't actually suffer from their ASPD, but ASPD is, in fact, a personality disorder. They suffer just as much, and so I ask you to please be mindful of that despite how the criteria is worded. Even in the professional psychology field, ASPD is heavily stigmatized as "evil bad criminal disorder", when that is actually not what it is at all. I want to use the criteria just to drive home how much Izaya (and Shinra) lines up with it, but I'll try to be nuanced in the way I go about it. I don't want people going OH BUT THEY CAN'T HAVE ASPD BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT CELTY/HIS SISTERS/ETC. or whatever, because Aspids can care about people! It's just different from how non-Aspids do it! My fiance and brother both care about me very much, thanks for asking lol

I am not a psych professional, which personally I don't think matters much because of how stigmatized ASPD is even in the professional field. However, I also do not have ASPD myself, so most of what I go over are things I've taken from fiance and brother's experiences

Now with that out of the way, Izaya and Shinra display clear symptoms warranting the diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). In this essay I will…

… go through the DSM-5 entry of ASPD section by section, beginning with the official Diagnostic Criteria. Criteria and indicators that I feel fit Izaya and Shinra will be in bold, followed by my reasoning. Criteria and indicators which do not fit them will not be bolded. I just want to include them for the sake of clarity and transparency, so it doesn't look like I'm claiming they match EVERY SINGLE CRITERIA, when they don't necessarily.

Diagnostic Criteria

A. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

1. Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors, as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest

Now right out of the gate we have a very clear example of why I put that disclaimer there. This one part of a part of a criterion is put on a pedestal and lauded as one of the most defining aspects of ASPD and that all Aspids must have this criterion to qualify. That is actually not the case, as this criterion alone has seven indicators, and one only needs three to qualify. A criminal does not an Aspid make, and not all criminals are Aspids. Even so, Izaya and Shinra both fit this indicator as they deal a lot in criminal behaviors as an information broker and underground doctor both with the Awakusu-kai as their primary clientele.

2. Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure

3. Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead

This is textbook for Izaya because a majority of his actions are jerking people around for personal gain, whether it be suicidal teenagers, his clients, or various members of the main cast. What of Shinra, though? I would argue yes, mainly based on the sneaking around he does to hide Celty's head and influence her to give up her search to stay with him. I'm sure there are other examples, but this is the one that stands out the most in my mind.

Also, an interesting note I'd like to add: A lot of these acts of "deceitfulness" aren't actually just done for shits and giggles. Like I said, this is the dichotomy between external behaviors and internal experiences, the why behind the actions. A lot of Izaya and Shinra's deceitful behaviors are often attempts to connect with other people. For Izaya, humans as a whole, and for Shinra, Celty in particular. Something I feel the ASPD criteria lacks is the internal experience of being pervasively disconnected from human connection, which I feel is the core of ASPD as a disorder. What does it feel like, to be stuck in a situation where you seem to be incapable of connecting with others on a fundamental level no matter what you do? Despite what the stigma says, people with ASPD are still humans, and humans are social creatures. It's lonely. Terribly and painfully lonely, and honestly? I can't blame anyone for wanting to find connection with others by any means necessary. It's like being deprived of good food, that whenever you try to eat it melts into a tasteless slop that barely keeps you alive but watching everyone else getting to enjoy that food as it is. That's no way to live, and it's not the fault of the victim that they are deprived. Why does it turn to slop? It just does, no matter what they try to work around it. Maybe sometimes something works a little and they can have something keep its shape, but the taste is still wrong. The full nutrition is still deprived. There's something outside their control that keeps them from having it all, no matter how hard they work, and that's tragic and no fault of their own. I feel like I'd certainly resort to deceitfulness as well just to get some modicum of the connection that others seem to enjoy freely.

I wouldn't say that these two really have much impulsivity, really, however I do find it notable that when Izaya starts getting backed into a corner he starts making SPECTACULAR impulsive mistakes. It isn't very pervasive unless he is already losing control of the situation, though, so I'm not counting it here.

4. Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults

5. Reckless disregard for safety of self or others

This is Izaya only, but I feel like his repeated altercations with Shizuo count, particularly because literally every time they cross paths it devolves into a fight. Depending on your source material, Izaya even goes out of his way to antagonize Shizuo and seek him out for fights (primarily the anime/manga). I haven't read all of the light novels, but I've seen people say Izaya tries more to keep away from Shizuo in them. If that's the case, then maybe this indicator is debatable. However, I do think it's notable that Izaya goes out of his way to create enemies that start physical altercations for him lol

And here I want to go into outward behavior and internal experience again because the motivations behind Izaya's beef with Shizuo are VERY complicated and rooted in things I already mentioned under Indicator 2. Everyone in the fandom agrees that Izaya hates Shizuo because of how easily he is able to connect with others despite being a monster. I don't need to beat a dead horse, there are plenty of analyses on that already. Izaya hates that Shizuo of all people seems to enjoy the good food just fine without any veneer like Izaya has to use just to get a fraction of the flavor. To add insult to injury, from Izaya's perspective, Shizuo seems to take the connections he has with others for granted, and even spits in the face of it when he claims he can't connect with others because of his strength. My fiance actually made a REALLY good analogy of this while I was writing this, too:

"like. izaya sees that shizuo doesnt connect w people but people connect to him and all izaya can see is this fuckin meme

he thinks like 'you have trouble connecting with people but you do it SO MUCH BETTER than i do and you have actual people that love you. why are YOU complaining?'"

So, what is an Aspid to do? He tries to bring Shizuo down to his level, teasing out that rage and monstrosity within Shizuo to enforce that disconnect in Shizuo, because if Izaya can't have any meaningful connections, then Shizuo shouldn't either.

Another insight from my fiance that was so good I couldn't think of anything to elaborate on it with:

"it also could be out of desperation too- remember he got two brain scans in the novels? he doesnt WANT there to be anything wrong with him

so shizuo HAS to be able to fall into the same pit as him

it CANT be just him who experiences this, it just CANT!!

he HAS to see other people in this pit along with him because if more and more people experience it, the better he can convince himself that this just Happens To Some People and there isnt anything fundamentally wrong with him that causes him to be so isolated in a way nobody else is"

With that, we already have the minimum of three indicators for Izaya to qualify him for Criterion A!

6. Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations

Izaya is very disconnected from the safety of others in the way he uses them for his own motivations. While it is true that no one actually dies at the hand of his schemes, they have absolutely come to plenty of physical harm. He also seems to see no problem with the dangerous situations he puts himself in, either, as he's gotten his ass handed to him more than a few times without much thought of self-preservation. In Shinra's case, I feel like as an underground doctor, he doesn't have many qualms with things like the Hippocratic Oath lmao, and beyond that I've seen the posts circulating around lately regarding how blasé he was towards Izaya when he called to tell him he was in the hospital. I think that kind of speaks for itself, but time and time again he only seems to have any semblance of care for the wellbeing of Celty.

And she's an immortal dullahan who for all intents and purposes cannot be harmed in a meaningful way, so...

With that, we also have our minimum of three indicators for Shinra to qualify for Criterion A!

Inconclusive data, because to my knowledge, they don't focus, in any iteration of the source material, on actual work ethic or financial obligations like paying rent.

7. Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

Final count: Izaya 5/7, and Shinra 4/7

Neither Izaya nor Shinra exhibit remorse for their various actions which cause harm to others, even (in Shinra’s case) those they care about. Izaya seems fine with anything that happens to those he fucks around with, and even delights in seeing it as it keeps him entertained, citing his love of all humans at their best and their worst. He definitely doesn’t feel bad about anything he’s done to Shizuo, citing his rationalizations under Indicator 4. The most we get is his comment about feeling bad about how Mairu and Kururi turned out under his care, and honestly? One exception in the face of everything else does not usurp his qualification for this criteria in my opinion. Not to mention there is an entire debate to be had about the difference between regret and remorse, and the motivations of such feelings.

On Shinra’s side of things, he doesn’t show any remorse about anyone he’s hurt as a means to the end of keeping Celty’s head away from her. He justifies each and every decision he makes, usually behind his love for Celty. He’s divorced himself with connection to humanity altogether, in fact, in favor of attempting to have that meaningful connection he craves (because either way he himself is still human) with Celty instead.

So both qualify for Criterion A! Moving on to…

B. The individual is at least age 18 years

Simple enough.

C. There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years

Now we don’t have the time to unpack A WHOLE SECOND DIAGNOSIS (unless y’all want me to later), but I’ll give y’all some highlights from the main criteria here based on Izaya and Shinra’s time in middle school and high school, given that in Japan high school begins at age 14 (my memory of their younger days is a little foggy, though, because Wa-kun and I haven’t gotten there yet in our watch together). You only need three of the list of 15 indicators to qualify:

1. Often bullies, threatens, or intimidates others

I think Shinra’s begging Shizuo for samples from Shizuo since grade school speaks for itself. On Izaya’s end of things, while he may have been more reclusive before meeting Shinra, he has no qualms threatening Shizuo from the moment they met.

2. Often initiates physical fights

This is primarily Izaya with regard to Shizuo, honestly.

3. Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun)

Izaya again.

4/5. Has been physically cruel to people/animals

Shinra vivisected Celty at the age of four, need I say more? Sure, one could argue his father coerced him into it, but he didn’t exactly put up a fight and continues to promote this course of action with Shizuo later on.

11. Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., “cons” others)

Izaya exemplifies this spectacularly when he takes the fall for Nakura just to laud this debt over him well into adult life. I can’t think of any specific examples for Shinra, but I have the foggiest feeling that there IS an example SOMEWHERE.

Final count: Izaya 4/15, and Shinra 3/15

It’s the bare minimum, but there is a case to be had for evidence of conduct disorder in both Izaya and Shinra. To be fair, there are some more criteria that could be absolutely plausible for them that we just don’t know because their childhoods weren’t elaborated on in very much detail in the source material. That speculation moves into headcanon territory, so I will leave it out for the sake of transparency. (However, there may be some evidence in the light novels that I’m unaware of because I haven’t finished them. Who knows?)

Also, as you may have noticed, the criteria for conduct disorder are arguably even worse than ASPD with regard to exclusively listing outward behaviors over internal experiences. I could go on and on about child agency and how professionals don’t typically consider the reasons behind a child’s actions in favor of just smothering the unwanted behavior, but I’ll leave that for another time! Let’s move on to the final criterion for ASPD…

D. The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder

I don’t think I need to explain why Izaya and Shinra aren’t schizophrenic or bipolar.

So that’s it, then? But wait! There’s more to be said under…

Associated Features Supporting Diagnosis

Now, these are not criteria and therefore NOT REQUIRED for diagnosis. However, as the title implies, they are often associated with ASPD, so I want to touch on it anyway. This section in the DSM-5 is not a simple list like the criteria, so instead of using it verbatim I’ll be cutting out relevant quotes.

“Individuals with antisocial personality disorder frequently lack empathy and tend to be callous, cynical, and contemptuous of the feelings, rights, and sufferings of others.”

“They may have an inflated and arrogant self-appraisal… and may be excessively opinionated, self-assured, or cocky. They may display a glib, superficial charm and can be quite voluble and verbally facile (e.g., using technical terms or jargon that might impress someone who is unfamiliar with the topic).”

Izaya is easy to associate with this sort of behavior towards others, and I would argue that Shinra fits the bill towards other humans as well as towards Celty. Shinra seems to be inquisitive at best, most of the time. I do want to note though that “lack of empathy” does not necessarily entail an uncaring attitude. Empathy is sort of mistakenly attributed to caring about another’s feelings. What’s actually going on is that a person is able to understand because they feel how another person is feeling. Shinra has displayed forms of caring in his own way when Celty is distraught, by taking an inquisitive interest and asking questions. That’s not empathizing, that’s sympathizing. It is a cognitive action where one thinks about and how a person is feeling and understanding purely through cognitive consideration rather than emotional connection. If you think about it, Izaya is easily capable of this as well—understanding what people are feeling on a cognitive level—it’s just that more often than not he uses it as a weapon instead of a salve.

This is what I meant in the very beginning about Aspids being able to care about others. Shinra cares about Celty, and Izaya cares about his sisters (I know it’s elaborated on more in the novels and Narita’s testimonials). It’s the way that they express that care that gets refracted through ASPD to come out differently than non-Aspids, and this refraction coupled with the stigma of the diagnosis can lead to a lot of distress for an Aspid. What if they don’t really care and it’s all just a fluke? What if they’re manipulating the people they care about without meaning to? It’s because of this need to mask and cognitively reach others rather than emotionally that inherently taints human connection for Aspids. My fiance explained to me that there are essentially two options: you can try to have “normal” connections but hide the part of yourself that blocks you from a direct emotional connection with them, or let that part have the spotlight and resign yourself to being seen as uncaring by the people you’ve connected with. My brother told me that sometimes it’s easier to just not connect with someone at all—no matter how much you want to—than to try, only to watch that connection fall apart and prove you right that it was poisoned from the start. No matter how you slice it, the first option feels fake and the second condemns you from having a “true” emotional connection.

I kind of feel like this struggle can be seen in Shinra’s obsession with how Celty views the world as a dullahan. After discarding any possibility of connection with other humans, he turns to an otherworldly creature in the hopes that maybe she thinks and feels just like he does. It also is clear to me in Izaya’s outright rejection and jealousy of Shizuo’s connection with others despite his monstrous strength and temper, for all the reasons I already covered under Indicator 4 of the Diagnostic Criteria.

Izaya’s god complex largely speaks for itself here, as well as his very opinionated and jargon-filled soliloquies regarding death and humanity. I’m pretty sure there’s even a scene in the light novels where the narrative directly calls Izaya out for the exact example provided in this quote of using excessive jargon to intimidate and impress. Shinra on the other hand is a little less explicit because a lot of his grandiosity and superfluous charm is played for laughs when it comes to his love for Celty (at least, it is in the anime/manga). That doesn’t mean it’s not there, though! Shinra is very sure of himself that Celty doesn’t need her head, and that she only needs to continue living her life in Ikebukuro with him.

Now here are some things associated with ASPD that often go ignored by many people, including psychology professionals:

“Individuals with antisocial personality disorder may also experience dysphoria, including complaints of tension, inability to tolerate boredom, and depressed mood. They may have associated anxiety disorders, depressive disorders… and other disorders of impulse control.”

“Child abuse or neglect, unstable or erratic parenting, or inconsistent parental discipline may increase the likelihood that conduct disorder will evolve into antisocial personality disorder.”

Inability to tolerate boredom coincides with Izaya’s motto that you have to constantly evolve in order to escape the everyday. A lot of Izaya’s actions can be chalked up to thrill-seeking, entertainment to quell the intolerable boredom of his everyday life. Shinra, meanwhile, chooses to swing in the opposite direction by focusing all of his efforts on one thing: Celty. As for the second highlighted issue…

There’s a common stereotype that Aspids cannot feel fear or anxiety. A speaker in one of my fiance’s psychology classes even claimed as much. This, by definition in the quote highlighted here, is inherently false. Aspids are capable of feeling fear and anxiety, they are capable of having all feelings! They just feel and/or approach those feelings differently than non-Aspids. That said, Izaya is terrified of death. It’s a key point behind nearly all of his actions and beliefs. That fear does not disqualify him from having ASPD.

In conclusion

Izaya’s parents were known to be seriously neglectful, and Shinra’s father is also very unstable in the way he parented Shinra.

It’s here I’d like to make another point: ASPD does not make people into monsters, and does not make them undeserving of care and love and everything good in the world. Aspids are humans, too, and more often than not they come out of very unstable and abusive homes. They are victims, and their disorder is another mark of that. Yet the pervasive stigma behind it erases this fact in favor of demonizing them as inherently evil when these symptoms come out of a place where a child was only trying to protect themselves in the only way they felt they could. Don’t perpetuate the wrong narrative. Just don’t.

Izaya and Shinra both absolutely have ASPD. Izaya fits 5 out of 7 of the main criteria, and Shinra fits 4 out of 7. They are both over 18 and have evidence of conduct disorder before 15 (4/15 criteria for Izaya and 3/15 criteria for Shinra). They also have a slew of associated attributes, including struggling to empathize with others, self-aggrandizing and superfluous behavior, chronic boredom, pathological anxiety, and a history of abuse and neglect in childhood.

While the criteria used for the diagnosis of ASPD focuses primarily on outward behaviors, I feel like the internal experience of Aspids is an inherent disconnect from society. Not necessarily in a criminal way, but rather in an emotional/social way. A pervasive struggle to have meaningful connections with others and a pervasive awareness of that struggle. There is an acute awareness that others are able to enjoy the luxury of human connection that they somehow always fall short with, and as a result, they either continue to pursue that one “true” connection through maladaptive behaviors or break away entirely and attempt to fill that void with something else, be it criminal gratification, a complete rejection of humanity, or a very desperate attempt to bring humanity down with them.

This by no means warrants the stigma that is so common towards Aspids. In fact, I feel as though such stigma only serves to prove an Aspid’s point, a self-fulfilling prophecy of an inherent inability to connect with others. No, I feel like the best thing you could do for an Aspid is prove them wrong, that they are worth connecting with and that they are worth caring about. I can’t fix the disconnect between my fiance or brother’s perception of human connection and mine, but I can at least fill their relationships with me with love and kindness and understanding, to give them the most I can so they can get as close as they can to obtaining it. I feel like they deserve that much, after everything they’ve been through and continue to go through to this day.

[ettadunham]

hi! just yesterday i finally received the confirmation that i got my very first Real Full-Time Job (have been working and doing internships since i was a teen tho), so if you got any advice to survive in the capitalist hell, especially in the beginning, i'm all ears 😭

Anon, I now feel intense pressure to not lead you astray (is this what an older sibling might feel? I'm new to the experience 😂), so I'll start with a disclaimer, like any good little capitalist organization trying to deflect blame: none of what I'm saying might apply to your situation or be helpful in any way.

To be more specific, my advice should not be considered much at all if you're working at a state-funded job instead of a private one, and only maybe partially if you're working at a small business or the service industry. I've only ever been working at corporate jobs because I live alone with my cat and I need to pay rent somehow, so that's all I can speak for.

Okay? Okay. Let us proceed.

You can always just leave.

This truly is the number one rule in a neoliberal hypercapitalistic system. You are already regarded as a resource rather than a human being, so anyone telling you that you should have "company loyalty" or anything the like can shove it up their ass.

Of course, you do still need to consider your own situation. Even if you have enough support to get by for a few months, 9 out of 10 times I'd still advise actually getting a new job offer before handing in a resignation, because then you have more leverage and can be more picky about your new job.

However, I also did the thing that you're not supposed to do when I resigned from my first job personally, and I never really regretted it. It did force me to eventually apply for the same type of job that I didn't initially want to do, but it was a much nicer company and an enormous improvement on not just my mental but physical health (I was literally diagnosed with high blood pressure while working at my first job), so... yeah. If it sucks, hit da bricks, as long as there's a support system behind you.

2. Actually... you should consider quitting every 3 years.

In the corporate landscape, it's actually beneficial to switch jobs from time to time, because they will not raise your pay as much as its value goes up in the job market. This is a fact everyone is aware of, as well as how it actually costs more to hire and train new people every 2 years instead of just keeping the old ones, but alas, it's how shareholder capitalism works. All that matters is the next quarterly report.

That being said, not all of us like change, in fact, most people would prefer to have a stable job where they can just go, have a coffee with their old colleagues at the water cooler, do their shift and go home. Corporate propaganda will have you believe that workers just simply prefer to bounce from one place to another, but in reality, it's more of a necessity that comes from stagnating wages, changing expectations, and a general uncertainty about job security.

So... yeah, it's a bit more depressing when I put it that way, isn't it? But the point stands, especially if you feel like your job might not be secure, it's worth looking around. Maybe even look into adjacent positions where you can develop other skills if you really want to be the bestest boy (gender neutral) at capitalism.

You can of course also just move within the company you're working at if they have the flexibility. They love hiring from inside because then they can underpay you compared to new hires while keeping your knowledge in-house. But, I mean... you get new skills and don't have to change much about your environment? It's all about the symbiosis between worker and corporation where you're always the one getting leeched from anyway. <3

3. Drain them for all their worth.

Chances are, your corporate overlord might have some benefits for you. Make sure to look into it and use all of it. I know that for Americans healthcare is a big issue, so definitely look into what your corporate package offers on that, but also see if there's anything else. Can you go on business trips so you can travel more? Do they offer 20% off on gas? Reimburse you on certain purchases? Can you use your company's money to learn some programming to help you apply to your next job?

Have no shame about coming back with receipts every two weeks. If it's part of the package, it's part of the package. It's already in the company's budget anyway, they do not care.

4. Get along with people.

This is both more important and more complicated than it might look at first blush. Or maybe you're already seeing all the potential problems with this point.

Your workplace is much like high school where you're locked in and forced to interact with a bunch of strangers that you otherwise wouldn't choose to talk to. And you gotta do it every. single. day. Even just thinking about it exhausts my smol undiagnosed authistic heart.

But! I would venture to say that trying to get to know and get along with all those people is the most important thing you can do at your job. Sometimes even more so than actually doing your job, lol. Obviously, the most important part is your own team, but if you're at an office, talk to people at the coffee machine. Ask them about what they do, have small talks, etc. Make the effort to socialize a bit. Go to events if they're during work hours, and use your judgement if it's after work hours. Don't let yourself get sucked in into the whole 'we're a family' company culture and let it take over your life, but if it's something you'd enjoy (e.g.: we have a monthly board game club where I work currently), then it's a good way to build solidarity. And... *sigh* connections.

I did say it's like high school, didn't I? It's all about who you know baybey.

That being said... It's all easier said than done if you don't fit into the status quo and stick out in any way shape or form. Shocker, I know.

People also just have differing views, and you need to learn to deal with that somehow. Sometimes it turns out that whatever seemed like an end-of-the-world division on the internet is not all that important of a difference in reality. And sometimes it's much worse.

The thing you need to keep in mind here is that corporate culture generally loathes disruption, so you're not likely to encounter people saying slurs. Well, you're also not supposed to punch people for saying slurs though. It's all about the delicate balance of whatever is acceptable in polite society, and as long as that line's not crossed, you can either bite your tongue and sell a bit of your soul to the neoliberal gods for your survival, or push back mildly. You know. In a "polite" way uwu.

In any case, if you feel like the environment is too hostile, see point 1. Hit da bricks. Some workplaces are infected by assholery and mismanagement. Use your judgement, etc. If you're like me, living in a protofascist nation right now, you might just resign to the fact that more things are acceptable in polite society than you'd like, and you need to pay your bills instead of arguing with a middle manager about immigrants.

Okay, are we depressed enough about general corporate culture already? Cool. Let's see some actual useful tips then.

5. Talk to the people on your team and be a united front.

Does your company have a union? Then you should join that first thing, but as I've never really had that, I can't tell you much about that experience. What I do know, is that you should always form a united front with your immediate co-workers.

For instance, do you and your team members do the same thing? Then ask them about how much time they take to finish a task. If they say they take a day for something that in reality takes about 4 hours, then do the same. Don't be the asshole telling your boss that you finished it in 3 hours. And most importantly, never snitch on your teammates.

(Speaking of that example, you should also just overestimate how much time something would take. That's just good practice anyway. <3)

But yeah, the bottom line is that your teammates are your first line of defense against any kind of higher up shenanigans. Help each other out, discuss wages, stand your ground together. If you can build solidarity outside of your team, that's even better, but your teammates are the ones who can immediately step up for you if needed.

Obviously, realistically you can only give back as much as you receive. If your team doesn't feel the solidarity juice quite as much as you do, there's not much you can do about it other than give an opening and then adapt. At the end of the day, corporate culture incentivices individual achievement over collectivism despite all their empty slogans like "team work" or whatever.

Speaking of which...

6. Advocate for yourself.

So I am going to go completely against my previous point by saying that you need to speak up and advocate for yourself individually. If you want a raise, then call up your team lead, and tell them that you want a raise. Bring them the facts about your work, your achievements, if you have some of those juicy KPI numbers and they make you look good, then read them up, talk about how long you've been at the company, about inflation, the company's self-proclaimed growth... Give them an expectation even, and be prepared to talk in detail about how you are in fact the most bestest at your work actually, and politely imply that you might need to look elsewhere otherwise.

That being said... It's also just good practice to talk about your team's achievements as well. Last time I did this, I actually managed to get all of my team a small raise, even without trying all that much for a collective bargaining. In a healthy team environment, you should be able to talk up each of your team members in one way or another. You might be told that there's a limited amount of money going around for these raises, but it's not like you were ever gonna get more of it. Corporations will pay you as little as possible at every step of the way.

See point 1 and 2 again.

So, yeah. Make sure to advocate for yourself, especially if you've been at the company for a while (the time period here might vary, but bringing it up after a year is a good start if there's been no raises), or heard that you were getting less than your coworkers. Be your own hype man, while not talking down the rest of your team. Otherwise they might "forget" to pay you any of your deserved compensation.

This also goes in other aspects as well. If you're at a chill workplace, you can always bring it up to your boss if you hate your current work, and want to do something else. Employers are usually more accomodating for these types of complaints, and might even help you find other tasks or even a different position in the company, depending on the opportunities. (They might just try to give you more work at first though, lol, so be specific.) And if they're not chill... well, there's not much to lose, because you should already be thinking about point 1 again.

7. Work less, bullshit more.

This is it! This is the point that we are here for.

How to do as little work as humanly possible without getting at the top of the firing list. The true mysteries of the universe. We'll be combining some of what we learned in the previous points for this.

First things first, no, you should never bring your 100% for a bullshit corporate job. You might think that they'll appreciate it and you for it, but the truth is, whatever bonus or raise you might be getting is not gonna be all that much. And it's not going to worth all the effort you put into it.

Remember, corporations will always pay you as little as possible and toss you away at the first sign of inconvenience.

No, all that work is going to do to you is burn you out, and infringe upon your family or social life. If you're doing grunt work especially, then make sure to keep your boundaries. Keep a table about your work hours, even if it's not kept by your workplace, and make sure to keep it always at 8 or whatever your required hours are. Don't answer your email or phone outside of that window.

Even when it comes to your work hours, make sure to take breaks, take your time with your lunch. It's actually kinda unhealthy to work for 8 hours straight anyway, your brain is gonna be a mush by the end.

And also, as we talked about it, make sure to coordinate with your co-workers if they're doing the same or similar jobs. Find the optimal way to do your tasks in a way that's going to stay consistent with the expectations.

If you have a kind of job, where you have set goals, try to reach those, and if you have a bit of downtime, use it. You can ask for new tasks eventually, but don't rush it, if you have the opportunity, take a breather.

There are workplaces that might try to monitor your work, especially in home office, but as long as things are done, most workplaces do not care how much you napped during your work hours. However, if you're worried about seeming inactive on your laptop for instance, there are workarounds on that too. I have a powershell script that presses the capslock button every minute for 2 hours (for legal reasons, this is only for those times when I'm running a python script through a VPN connection, which standby mode would kill otherwise 😂), but I've had a friend who just opened word and put something on her space button. The human ingenuity when it comes to avoiding work is boundless.

The only consideration here is that you should still try to check your chat from time to time, but that can also depend on your workplace. Most people don't care if you reply them 2 hours late, no one's available 24/7.

That all being said, you might still want to secure your job a bit more other than doing the bare minimum, but the good news is, having all that downtime actually means that you can think about other things too if you choose! Maybe even ways to improve your job as it is. Or maybe just talk with someone at the water cooler. Never underestimate the power of talking to people at the water cooler tbh.

Also consider this: if you're doing your job too well, your reward most likely is going to be.... more work! And it's gonna be unpaid work at that. I know, because I somehow never managed to avoid this one, despite doing my best and napping as much as possible.

In conclusion, Bullshit Jobs™ deserve Bullshit Work. <3

[trixree]

Hey i just visited your blog after binge reading several of your star wars fics and saw you've got POTS + assorted chronic medical fuckery. My spouse has the unholy trinity of POTS/EDS/MCAS (featuring guest artist Migraines) and boy do i feel for you if your combo is even a little bit similar. Crossing my fingers for you that the neurologist is a good fit! They tend to have their shit together when it comes to dysautonomia (and hopefully know a lot of the good med combos). I'll also put in a recommendation for electrolyte drinks -- i think it's not uncommon for ppl with POTS to have electrolyte/salt deficiencies, and i know it's been helpful for my spouse to chug 20-30 oz of propel or re-lyte water every day. Compression garments (esp. tights) have also been helpful for POTS, but not always great for digestion if they go over the stomach. Medical grade compression starts at 20-30 mmHg.

For appetite stuff, since I'm not sure what the underlying cause is for you idk if this will be helpful/applicable, but when it's hard to convince your body to eat I'm generally in favor of just going for anything that sounds appetizing to you even if it means eating ice cream 3x a day :P if it's a nausea thing, though, spouse may have some better recommendations, and I'd be happy to ask or send you their way. Best wishes and take care!

Per my last post, I'm catching up on old Asks, AO3 comments, and messages received during my hiatus! (Psst, go do my Fanfic Poll) This is so so so sweet of you, thank you SO MUCH! I rambled on quite a lot below the cut about my health journey the past year re: POTS and GI stuff, in case folks are interested in how I've managed. Disclaimer that I am NOT a medical professional and this is absolutely not medical advice, these are just my experiences and things that have worked well for me.

First off, what a DELICIOUSLY FAMILIAR COMBO of things! I was told at my last immunology appointment that I "almost certainly" (his words, not mine) have EDS (my mom has it, too, and my hips are constantly popping out of place) but 1.) I can't afford to go get diagnosed (see: unemployment, medical trauma) and 2.) one of my friends has been stalled for MONTHS trying to get a clinical geneticist to confirm her EDS diagnosis because, apparently, there is a great deal of resistance to testing folks for EDS right now given the increased visbility of EDS patients on TikTok. My partner is in med school and we've had really long conversations about the so-called "TikTok Triad" (POTS, EDS, and gastroparesis - which are all conditions that are acutally linked together with the clinical data we have) and how it's impacting both how physicians practice and the care that patients receive. This reddit thread is a good example of how this plays out, if you feel like braving reddit on this fine afternoon.

My neurologist is amazing and has done a lot to help me with my migraines... unfortunately the GI stuff is still kicking my ass. All of your recommendations are things that I've started doing over the last year to manage symptoms: my compression socks are my BESTEST FRIENDS and Drip Drop is my favorite electrolyte powder - they've got the best flavors imo and isn't as PAINFULLY SWEET as Liquid IV. I've also adopted a really high-salt diet. As far as appetite goes, my management strategy has been to smoke a lot of weed (I live somewhere where recreational use is thankfully legal, so it isn't difficult or unsafe to get ahold of it) but that's unfortunately expensive and can actually make persistent nausea and appetite loss WORSE over time (see canabis hyperemesis) so I've recently gone cold-turkey off of pot to see if I can manage the daily nausea and appetite loss with pharmaceuticals alone (namely phenergan). I'm seeing my GI in the next week and I'm going to lobby my ass off for a prescription appetite stimulant. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year (and I was already pretty small to begin with, so the weight loss has made my chronic pain a lot worse unfortunately) and I am a firm believer in following one's cravings in order to eat. I order a lot of take out and cycle through the same "safe" foods (usually some kind of cereal with soy milk, an Ensure protein shake if solids are an absolute no-go, and simple rice, potateos, and chicken works). The other night, my partner tried to entice me to eat an oreo ice cream sandwich during a bout of brutal nausea and I cried because I fucking love oreo ice cream but my body HATES having things inside of it <3 I've also found that excercise can SOMETIMES (not all of the time) help my appetite. I have a stationary bike and a basic set of weights at home. Stationary bike in particular is something I'd HUGELY recommend for anybody with POTS that deals with excercise intollerance. Sitting down to get my cardio is WAY BETTER than anything else I've tried in terms of how badly my symptoms get triggered. I'm also currently medicated for my POTS (I take ivabradine and it's made a big difference for my quality of life on the whole, especially with regards to the fatigue that having a constantly elevated heartrate will generate.)

I do appear to have some sort of motility problem (most likely IBS-C) and I'm taking medication for it that has HELPED, but not nearly enough. I poop more than once every twelve days now, which is awesome, but I'm still constantly nauseous more often than not (Zofran, Dramamine, and Phenergen are my bestest friends) and my appetite is nowhere to be found. Hopefully I can get my hands on some appetite stimulant. As for the nausea, I've been informed by my electro cardiologist that many, many POTS patients report diminished appetites and chronic, debilitating nausea, but that "the mechanism relating the two is unexplored and largely unknown." So basically he said, "that sounds ROUGH buddy. Good luck though!"

(Hence me sharing my strategies cause I know, colloquially, that lots of us are dealing with this.)

[selvesdiscovery]

hi, i'm putting this on anon because people i know are highly anti-endo and i don't wanna out myself as being pro-endo. if you want to delete this feel free btw since i know fusion is a touchy subject for some systems

we're a system. we've been diagnosed with DID and told to see a specialist. said therapist who diagnosed us and referred us out is advising we peruse final fusion. we would do it... except the only reason why we would is because we fear nobody would ever like us the way we are (we're a very independent and private system. other than the host, all dating and such is done in system and kicking the host out of front is rare).

do you have any advice on that? i'm sure it eventually gets easier but i'm not sure how to make it easier. do you have any resources and advice on getting comfortable with being a system, and being comfortable sharing that with people (both other systems and singlets)?

thank you. just delete this if it's against the rules or if it makes you uncomfortable :) your comfort is important too

Hi! Thank you so much for reaching out.

This question isn't too sensitive or anything like that, and I see stuff like this a lot in the system world. Even I myself have dealt with similar issues.

What really helped me was 'coming out' to only a few really close friends. It gave us the space to talk about what goes on inside our head, and be honest about who we are.

Ofc, this isn't super helpful if you dont have really close friends. The second best thing I can suggest from personal experience is participating in the system community, either here on Tumblr or on Discord or wherever else, and working on being progressively more open there.

Those are both really vague and I'm sorry about that, the only thing we really personally needed to come out of our shell was trust, either already pre-existing or built from watching others live the same way as us.

Something else that really helps us personally when trying to get more comfortable with ourselves OUTSIDE of a social context, is encouraging the others to find their own way. That's why we made this blog actually. The best way to become comfortable both socially and personally with being a system is to foster a space for every headmate to live their most authentic life as fully as possible.

If you can, try inviting your alters to front with you, to try out new things that AREN'T related to trauma, therapy, or journalling (If you don't have a journal already, I suggest you look into that first and foremost). If you can't, you could always just wait until you cofront naturally to bring this up with them. Your headmates are people too, and the best way to make THEM stop feeling like less than or like something to be ashamed of is to help them grow.

As for your therapist, it sounds like she doesn't have your& best interest in mind. If you can, I'd look for someone who's comfortable with both fusion AND functional multiplicity as options, and can help you find the way you truly want to follow way better than I, some stranger on the internet, ever could.

Lastly, a fair disclaimer, DONT go about doing any of these things if you think you or your alters might not be entirely ready. If you happen to be newly discovered as a system, it might be good to take some time to learn about one another at a nice slow pace, first, before jumping into anything else. Be very careful, as much as selves discovery and branching out and growing as people is important to being happy how you are, it can be dangerous to some systems in certain situations.

I could understand though how these things may not be what your looking for, but since I don't have a ton of information on your personal experience I can't really get any more specific. If you're looking for more specific resources, I'd encourage personalized research, or going to a professional with your concerns, since the most I really have for this sort of thing is personal experience.

Either way, I wish you luck, and I genuinely hope you can find people who accept you as you are, and help you in your journey to grow. You& got this!

[finelineborderline]

Hi! I uhm have not yet been diagnosed but I’m pretty confident that bpd is the answer to it all as shitty as that is. I’m almost more afraid for it to not be bpd cause nothing has ever made this much sense. But I’m really scared. And you’re in no way obligated to read this or respond but I don’t know. Just, do you have any advice for someone just now realizing and getting diagnosed with bpd?

hello, anon! first, i apologize ahead of time for how long this will be, but there's a lot i want to say. obligatory disclaimer that i am not a professional nor am i a qualified doctor to diagnose anyone, and these thoughts are mine and mine alone and do not constitute a professional's medical opinion/advice. all i can do here is speak my truth and explain my experiences with BPD in hopes that you and maybe others find it helpful.

second, at least with BPD, if you think you have it (i.e. you know you fit 5 or more of the 9 current diagnostic criteria), while of course obtaining a professional diagnosis is great, in this case, it's my personal belief that if you think you have BPD, there's a large chance you do have it. of course there will always be outliers, but for most people, pretending to have BPD or forcing a diagnosis just doesn't make sense. BPD is not something that makes people quirky and it makes life more difficult, not just from a personal standpoint as the person who has it, but the resulting reaction from friends, family, and even strangers you don't know and never will who have something to say on the internet. i don't know many people who'd lie about that and be okay with the negative stigma that persists around those diagnosed with BPD.

most (if not all) people with BPD don't want to have it, but understand they fit the criteria. with certain other mental illnesses and ailments, getting a professional to diagnose them is of course better than self-diagnosing, but i had self-diagnosed with BPD for years before i ever ended up in a psychiatric ward because i 5150'd myself and got professionally diagnosed with BPD. i had quite a strong hunch i had BPD years before a professional came to the same conclusion - but not in a "oh my god yay i'm so glad i have this horribly debilitating illness, woo!" more in a "holy fuck this all makes so much sense, and i wish it didn't, but i know myself, and i know that this is what i have". and getting the professional diagnosis was great in the sense of getting that final confirmation, but even without it, i'd have still considered myself as someone struggling with BPD.

it's okay to be scared. i think i'd be scared of you if you weren't scared - i was downright terrified when i figured out that what i'd been feeling, dealing with, doing, could be attributed to BPD. i hated it, wished it was something else, but the more i read, the more i watched, the more i took notes, the more i realized that BPD was the answer to a question i wish i didn't have to ask in the first place.

before i was diagnosed, i took notes as if i was in a class about BPD. i wrote down the criteria for a diagnosis, and put a check next to every one i fit into with specific notes of how and why i felt i checked that category. chronic feelings of emptiness? check. emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events? check. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment? check. unstable self-image/sense of self? double and triple check. impulsive and damaging behavior in regards to spending/sex/substance use/reckless driving/binge eating? i did all of those things, where only 2 were required to hit this bullet point. quadruple check. anger? checkity check check. unstable interpersonal relationships? fucking check. suicidal behavior/threats? check. paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms? check. i hit all 9 of these and it "only" requires 5 to hit the diagnosis. so for me, i knew i had it because like you, nothing else made this much sense.

and you know what? i fucking hated it. i got angry at myself for being so fucking broken that my personality had apparently shattered somewhere in early childhood due to my trauma and left me with a gaping, angry hole that i had constantly tried to fill with something, anything. i was beyond angry, i was seething with rage. why did it have to be fucking me? why? i still grapple with "why me?" on the daily with my BPD. i didn't want BPD to be what made sense, but it did. and while i am still incredibly fucking angry with my diagnosis, i've also reached a level of resignation about it. almost a sense of radical acceptance.

my advice is gonna sound fucking stupid because i know how hard much of it is to do and a lot of it takes serious introspection, patience, and kindness (to yourself). my advice would be to truly try to practice self-compassion, self-love - when what you want to do is beat yourself up internally over anything - having BPD in the first place (hell, even thinking you have BPD in the first place), or something you did/said in reactionary anger/rage/sadness/impulsiveness, something you didn't do - anytime you want to emotionally flay yourself over this, the best advice i can give you is to practice the skill of forgiving yourself. of giving yourself compassion to learn and grow as a human who is struggling with something very difficult to live with.

and i'm going to be upfront with you - most times, you will fail. you will not give yourself the compassion, love, and kindness you truly deserve. it's hard to break the cycle of self-rage, hard to convince yourself that you're worth recovery, worth getting better, worth learning to live with BPD and all it entails. but there WILL be times where you catch yourself in moments of compassion and acceptance. they might be few and far between, and they might not feel like much at first, but with time and practice, you will notice moments that you are less critical of yourself and your perceived failures relating to BPD.

for instance - i've been in DBT for a few months now. some of it really doesn't help me specifically (some "action steps" just don't work), but there's a few things that have been pivotal to my growth and have helped. one of those being the not-so-simple act of radical acceptance. of forgiveness. of understanding that you are not the worst person to ever walk the face of this earth, no matter how much your brain will try and try and try to convince you that you are. i have caught a few very very very SMALL moments where i've internally said to myself "well, it's okay that i failed there" or "alright, so i didn't do XYZ, i'll move on and do better next time" instead of beating myself up emotionally/internally over it. and the first time i noticed that happened, a tiny light bulb went off in my head. it was weeks and weeks into my DBT, where i felt i wasn't seeing any changes in myself. but that one, tiny instance where i showed myself compassion? it gave me a faint spark of hope that maybe BPD isn't the death sentence i so often feel it is. and i still do, in a lot of ways, and i'm working to try to manage and cope better, but it's not smooth sailing and more often than not, i am being mean to myself, or unforgiving. but my advice is to try to be aware of those moments, whenever they may come, where you can sense yourself forgiving yourself or being nicer to yourself than you otherwise might have been.

i'm not gonna bullshit you and act like learning to live with BPD is a walk in the park, or that somehow after DBT (should you choose to ever go that route) will result in you being "cured" or "fixed" - at least in terms of DBT, it's not a cure so much as it is trying to instill new habits and coping skills that you will strengthen by repeated use and practice. (and remember, practicing a skill still counts even if you fail to correctly use that skill. practice does not mean you always do things right/correct, it simply means you tried.)

again, it's okay to be scared. please allow yourself to feel that emotion. but leave room for that fear to dissipate at times, leave room to challenge that fear on occasion.

most of all, allow yourself to be. however you feel isn't bad. emotions are messengers, so next time you're angry, ask yourself: what is my anger trying to tell me in this moment? if you're sad, ask yourself: what is my sadness trying to convey? with repeated practice, perhaps you can identify triggers for certain emotions.

practice observing how you're feeling physically in your body, and remember that emotions are not facts. and remember that emotions will come and go, no matter how much your brain will convince you they won't.

that's all i've got for you now, but to you and anyone else who made it this far down - my inbox is always, always open, for anyone and anything. you don't have to be alone. we can be alone together, and i'm just a message away.

[disabled-dragoon]

Hey! I’ve sent a message before but my dr thinks I have spastic paraplegia. He wants to keep me out of a wheelchair as long as possible so I use a rollator right now but when I walk for more then like a couple minutes (if that) I get this horrible tightness in my hips that makes it really painful and uncomfortable to walk. I also get really bad muscle cramps in my calf and when I get one I usually get more in succession. Any recommendations for what to do? My dr is kinda useless when it comes to helping me 🥲 I’m in PT too but they kinda went “¯\_(ツ)_/ we don’t even know what spastic paraplegia is”

Well by that logic, shouldn't they find out? Honestly. I say the worst part of disability is the admin, but having to explain it to doctors every single time is up there too.

I have to preface that my recommendations will probably be a bit vaguer than you might be hoping for, simply because I obviously don't know the full extent of your pain, and every HSP or potential HSP diagnosis is different so forgive me for that.

Obviously I'm not a doctor so disclaimer here: Any advice I give is purely off personal experience. Bring it up with a trusted medical professional if it something that interests you.

-

So my first question is: Do you have any physio exercises? And more importantly, do you do them?

I completely understand the physiotherapist thing. I've had to explain HSP to all but two of my doctors, and even then one of them still needed coaching as to what the hell they were actually dealing with so I get it. I'm not going to give you the whole "if you exercise you won't be disabled anymore" spiel because we both know that not's true, but exercise really does help with slowing it down and making the pain more manageable.

If you want more/better exercise suggestions that are bit more specific to the areas outlined, I have some links that might be worth checking out:

Hip exercises: this is a link to the Spire Healthcare website that details an extensive list of exercises for hip stiffness and pain.

Sastic Paraplegia Foundation: Link to an official HSP charity, specifically to a page detailing good advice for physio exercises and areas to focus on.

Honestly the SPF is really really good for more information. It's got loads of resources on physiotherapy, the differences in the disability, a forum, information on research developments. Etc. etc. It's good to peruse if you're interested!

I am an HSP Warrior- My Exercise Journey: This is a youtube channel ran by a woman of the name of Alycia Klein. She is diagnosed with HSP and puts out semi-regular, short home exercise videos. Her last video, as of writing this, was actually fifty minutes ago!

Also may I suggest perhaps looking into exercise/resistance bands? I found they've worked wonders for strengthening my joints and help with pain, but, as always, consult with a trusted doctor beforehand to make sure this is the option for you. I personally use latex ones (see below) but there are several options to look through.

[ID: Pile of 5 latex exercise bands on a white background. The colours, from left to right, are black, red, blue, yellow and green. /end ID]

Next up: Extra Information!

I don't know how much you might personally know about HSP, or about how much I may have told you in the past, but! It never hurts to know more. And it may be of some help, if you feel comfortable to, sharing some some information with you PT.

I like this video:

It's relatively short, has pictures to accompany it and the subtitles aren't auto-generated! At the end it also gives a brief insight into some areas to focus exercise on to potentially extend your mobility and maybe the time you can stay out of a wheelchair.

And lastly, your doctor wants to avoid the wheelchair for now but what do you think?

No one knows your body better than you do and if this a genuine concern for you, it might not hurt to push the issue. Even just as something to consider in case of emergency.

Also, does your rollator have a seat? If not, personally I've found I sometimes prefer it to my wheelchair. It lets me walk until I get tired then I can sit and wait the pain out. Doesn't work all the time but when I want to exercise out of the chair it's quite good.

-

That's all I have at the moment. If you have any more specific questions please feel free to send them my way, I'd be more than happy to try and answer them.

I hope this has been of some help to you anon, and I wish you good luck!

[whiterosechrista]

"Inspirational" Posts and Personal Issues

Warning: long post. Proceed at your own risk.

Right, so.

I was scrolling through the 'inspirational' tag, and came across this post.

It made me probably more annoyed than I should be, so I'm gonna try and process why, while also asking for input/general conversation about it.

Disclaimer; I'm tired and haven't eaten much today, so I might just be overly sensitive right now.

In rough chronological order, here's the particular points that ticked me off;

Point #1:

The title; "STOP BEING LAZY AND PATHETIC" (In All Caps)

Right off the bat, something about that just rubbed me the wrong way. I know it's meant to catch your eye and make you pay attention, but something about (in)directly referring to people you don't know as "lazy" and "pathetic" feels.. wrong. Like, excuse me? Who are you, random person online that I've never met in my life, to tell me I'm lazy and pathetic? What right do you have to judge the life of someone you've never seen in person? None.

Point #2:

"No One Cares"

One of the first sections goes on about, in short, how everyone has problems, and no one cares about yours, so just move on with your life. Now, technically, they're not wrong; everyone has problems, and it is definitely not healthy to think yours are inherently worse than everyone else's. But saying "no one cares" feels inherently untrue. Sure, if you whine online (or irl) about every little grievance, it might make people annoyed and/or desensitized to it. But humans are inherently empathic (most of us, at least), and we probably would've died out a long time ago if no one cared about others' problems. Idk, it just feels weird to me.

Point #3:

"You're Not Lazy, You're Privileged"

Now, there's definitely a good point there. People who're struggling to make it by can't afford to be lazy, so if you can, you're probably more on the privileged side. But this gets me thinking about those people who call the younger generations "lazy" because they're not out working 8 hours a day/rely on technology/don't get out much/etc. Firstly; one person's experience of life is never going to be the same as someone else's. By the simple fact of having individuality in everything from personality, to wealth, to generation, to culture, the way you live your life is never going to line up exactly with everyone else's. Secondly; I'm pretty sure a good chunk of the people dubbed "lazy" are actually suffering from some form of depression, and just haven't been able to get help for it for one reason or another. I myself am what I think the stereotypical "boomer" would describe as "lazy"; 24 years old, unemployed, constantly online, rarely leaves the house, doesn't have good eating/sleeping/cleaning habits, and guess what? I was diagnosed as having moderately severe depression. So yes, "lazy" people are likely privileged, as if I were in a worse financial situation I would have likely pushed myself to get a job, which might've forced me into better sleeping/etc. habits, but that doesn't automatically mean I should work myself into a breakdown trying to feel more "productive".

Point #4:

"Focus On Your Health/Relationships" and "Make Routines and Stick to Them"

Again, definitely good points being made here, and I can agree with most of it, but here's the thing; I tried that already. I've tried making routines, I've tried focusing on my health, but no matter what, I always fuck up and get back to my bad habits. Now, that could totally just be me being bad at sticking to things, I'll freely admit to that. But here's another thing to consider; I'm neurodivergent. Been evaluated as being highly likely on the Autism spectrum + I have attention span issues possibly related to ADHD. Putting reminders on my phone doesn't work. Putting events on my calendar doesn't work (unless it's a big important thing/something I'm looking forward to). I've tried to get into better hygiene habits by putting "Take a Shower!" on my calendar twice a week. Didn't work. Tried putting a daily reminder to "Check In With Friends!" on my phone. Didn't work. However I'm wired, those things just don't register as "important"- they just get filed away as "one of many notifications" and ignored. Do it without reminders? I can barely remember what time I had breakfast at. No way I'm making it work without outside influence. In short; good tips, but some people just aren't wired that way.

Point #5:

"Clean Space is Self-Respect"

Verbatim: "Clean space is a clean mind. Not even cleaning after yourself is a sign of huge disrespect to yourself. Stop reading this and clean your room right now !!!!!"

First of all; don't tell me what to do. I'll clean my room when I'm in the right headspace, and having people practically yelling an order at me to do it is just going to make me less inclined to. Secondly; messy rooms are a sign of self-disrespect? I can get that, I guess. Seeing people online cleaning out their "depression nests" definitely makes me happy for them. Here's the thing, though; sometimes, the messiest people are the most active, creatively if not physically. I'm a writer- not great at getting anything finished ('cause possible ADHD), but a writer nonetheless. My head is constantly filled with a bunch of different ideas (when I'm not fried, at least), and I'm so busy trying to keep them straight in my head that the thought of "cleaning up" just doesn't have time to occur. I can maneuver through my room without having to watch the floor 24/7, and that's good enough for me.

(Also; changes are tricky for me to deal with (possibly because of Autism). If I'm comfortable in a space, I don't want to change anything about it. The big move we made last December, right as I'd started recovering from depression, was hell on me. I love the new place, don't get me wrong, but the shift was a mess.)

Point #6:

"There's a Reason"

Verbatim: "Remember the reason . Remind yourself, " Why did I even start ? " " Why did I even want this goal ?" . If you don't want the goal anymore then do something else."

Good advice, just one thing to point out; why do people feel like they always have to have a "goal"? The only time I care about a goal is when I'm playing a game (video game, tabletop, whatever). Like, sure, if you're feeling unhealthy and trying to get better, setting a goal can be helpful. But it can also be stressful. Say you expected to lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks, and instead you only lost 5. You did all the work - went on a diet, started an exercise routine, the whole shebang - and you only made it halfway to your goal. (Please note; I'm not a professional, I don't actually know how many pounds one could lose in 6 weeks). That kind of thing takes a toll. Makes you question yourself. Makes you think; should I just not even try? Now, of course, not everyone's gonna automatically give up at the first minor setback, but you get the idea. Setting a goal is a bit like setting a standard, and we all know what happens when people don't meet those. That's not to say you shouldn't set goals at all, it's just the amount of people ragging on people who don't have goals is a little extreme. You don't need a goal to have a good life. If you're happy, then you've got a good life, or at least a pretty decent one. Constantly setting new goals just wastes energy. Give yourself a break.

Point #7:

"Think About What Story You're Telling Yourself"

Verbatim: "If you are telling yourself that you are a lazy person , you will act like one. Your mom didn't carry you for 9 months just for you to say that you are lazy. Get a hold of yourself. Don't complain about how you don't have your dream life if you are lazy."

...

..*sigh*.

There's so many points I could make here. It's good advice, fundamentally, but the way it's worded.. I've heard the "carried you for 9 months" thing from stories about toxic parents too many times to find it inspirational. "I carried you for 9 months"- yeah, you did the bare minimum required to make a human, good job. On the other hand: "don't complain about not having your dream life if you're lazy"? Fair statement, can't argue too much, but it's not always laziness that keeps people from their "dream life". It could be financial reasons, health reasons, or just a plain old crooked system that, for example; hires people based on race, pays differently based on gender, or locks you out of some opportunities because you have a "handicap" that doesn't actually impact your ability to do the job. Effort is good, can go a long way, but sometimes the world just comes together to block your progress, no matter what you try.

Point #8:

"Realize You Can Change Your Reality Any Time"

Verbatim: "You can change your realities really fast if you start acting like the person you want to become."

Not actually much to criticize here; the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy is proven to work. It's just that the wording of "reality" makes me flash back to my dad's "Energy Healing" bullshit. Just say "change your life". Reality is always the same, you're the only thing you can guarantee to change- you're not omnipotent.

(No offense meant to anyone who practices this stuff, it's just not for me.)

Point #9:

"Heal the Past and Move On"

Verbatim: "Go to therapy and heal from the past. You can change your story around . If you are a victim of trauma or abuse , don't just go around and tell people because they lose respect for you ."

...

This is one of those perspectives that makes me have to take deep breaths to calm down. Yes, therapy is wonderful, and you can majorly improve your life by going to it (assuming you have a good therapist), but it's not as simple as just "going and healing". You have to be in the right mental state to realize you should go to therapy, you need to have the courage to make the step, you need to physically be able to get there (or find one that'll do video calls- speaking from experience, phone sessions are not enough), you might need a support system to help you if it doesn't work out, you need to be able to afford therapy in the first place.. I could go on. Also, "losing respect" for someone for trying to vent out their trauma to you is the worst thing you could do. Sure, you don't want to be hit with their trauma all the time, but just tell them that you're not up for that, or, I don't know, help them find a therapist. If a person is weaponizing their own trauma for sympathy, that's different story, but they still should get help. If you don't want to deal with it: block them. Mute them, restrict talking time, establish whatever boundaries you have to, but don't turn it into a "respect" thing unless they're blatantly not giving you any.

(I realize this is a bit harsh; people simplifying mental health issues is one of my big pet peeves that's hard for me to react calmly to, so I'm sorry if it sounded callous.)

Point #10:

"God Will Help"

Verbatim: "Learn to accept help. Sometimes God send people to help you. Ask help from God and you will receive help in miraculous ways."

Now, I completely agree that learning to ask for/accept help is vital. However; basing the statement around a "God" that not everyone believes in is not the best way to deliver the message. I personally am agnostic; if "God" exists, cool (though I have some questions about some things he did), but I don't particularly mind if he doesn't. Some people are just straight up atheist; don't believe in any kind of god at all. How is asking help from God supposed to benefit them? They don't believe in him. It'd be like asking Santa to buy you a motorcycle.

(I mean no offence to anyone who believes, I'm just saying framing your advice around Him means nothing to nonbelievers, and might in fact push them away instead. If I recall correctly, Jesus once said something along the lines of; "respect atheists, for they help you not because God told them to, but because they believe it's the right thing to do". If I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me.)

Overall:

There's actually plenty of good advice being given, but the way some of the things are phrased just doesn't sit right with me. Once again, if anything I said was offensive, it wasn't meant to be. Please tell me so I can do better. I'm sorry this is such a long post, and thankful to anyone who made it this far. You guys didn't have to, but you did, so thank you. :)

[xerospaced]

Every time I get close to being comfortable just saying "I am autistic" without having an official diagnosis, something puts me off or makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong

I've interacted on autistic content - stating that I don't have an official diagnosis - and I've been questioned by people who are autistic in a very standoffish way

And... ig I get it. When there are people who are maybe coopting this label without any real research and just a few autistic stereotypes

But really... how many of those people do we REALLY think there are?

Being perceived as or believed to be autistic is typically not a win in most situations

It's just... jarring

I want to be understood. But I don't want to be doubted. I don't want to be called upon to document the extent of my years of research and all of the traits I possess and ways I experience the world that lead me to believe I'm autistic.

That's why I wanna be able to just say I'm autistic in the first place! Because I'm tired of having to add a bunch of disclaimers which literally just define autism!

Coz that's what the woman who gave me that poor assessment told me to do. "You could just explain that you have ADHD and other difficulties". So you're telling me I have to list all of my specific traits that aren't under the ADHD umbrella. When that is not always possible. Or appropriate.

Or even fair to me as a human being! Like, wtfuck!?

I can tell someone I have ADHD and they'll have a decent idea of the challenges I face or ways my brain works. They don't need to be privy to all the specifics and intricacies.

So why then must I disclose with such specificity all of my (very obviously) autistic traits when simply saying I'm autistic should suffice?

That's not right. Not to me, anyway.

I don't want to do that.

I want to say I'm autistic and get on with my business.

Another issue is I'm an Incredibly honest person. Like... to a fault. I see no need to be dishonest. And I am unbearably uncomfortable with missing out key pieces of information that are relevant to the circumstance.

So, even tho I trust my research, even tho I was correct in assessing my own adhd (which I was then diagnosed with), even tho I have mulled over this for years and have a mountain of evidence to suggest that, yes, I am very clearly autistic, and even tho I relate to autistic people more than any other (save for ADHDers - AuDHD peeps are like looking in the mirror!)... even tho all of this is true, I still can't bring myself to just say "I am autistic"

Not without adding the disclaimer: "I'm not diagnosed but I've done so much research and it makes so much sense and I've been looking into it for years and I was right about my ADHD" - it's EXHAUSTING

I don't want to have to do all that

But... uurrrrgggghhhhhhh

I found a woman with specialty in diagnosing autism in women. She uses a wider more comprehensive set of questionnaires (which I did on her site and wowow), she was diagnosed as an adult, and she offers assessment which doesn't hinge entirely on conversational relay, AND she understands masking and such.

It's £750 for an assessment. Money I don't have rn and won't have to spare for a while

And someone close to me said, "What do you get out of it tho?" And I said "a diagnosis" and they said "yeah, what else?" And it made me feel like it's not worth it, or valid. I know, realistically, they were looking to understand why it was something that I should do for myself, not to say that it's not, but to understand why it is. But I clammed up because they are VERY neurotypical and I, in that moment anyway, didn't want to delve into the complexity or try to make it understandable.

Sigh.

One day I will do it tho, when I can afford to. Because my brain needs confirmation from an ADEQUATE assessment. Because I don't want to use a million and one disclaimers. Coz I don't wanna feel like an imposter for the rest of my life.

[sluntch]

My Health Journey - A Writing Experiment - Day 1

DISCLAIMER: I want to lay out at the start of this post that, while it has to do with dieting, food, weight loss, and exercise, I do not have a diagnosed eating disorder, am not eating 1200 or fewer calories a day, and am not peddling some diet regimen. I am not a medical professional and nothing I say in this or future posts should in any way be considered medical advice. I'm just a dude out here tryna be healthier.

Hello to anyone who stumbles across this post. I am now going to be actively using this blog that I've had for, like, a billion years. I know I've said this multiple times in the past and have never followed through, but I've been "going through some shit"™ and have become much better at developing and cultivating habits to the degree that I stick with them. The habit I'm trying to cultivate, at this point, is getting back into writing, something I've always been passionate about and loved doing but have never really attempted to pursue in earnest, either due to self-doubt or laziness. I'm unsure which of those two is more powerful in my psyche, to be honest. To that end, what better place to write something, no matter how small or large, every day until writing some number of words becomes a habit than a blog where I can just put snippets about something ELSE that I do every day until I start doing it forever? Ain't that grand? See below the cut if you'd like. Otherwise, happy scrolling!

The thing I'll be documenting is the continuation of a journey that I started a year ago after a visit to the doctor wherein some rough stuff came to light. Just for the record, I'm going to be candid about a lot of the things that are going on regarding my current state of health and being. I don't shy away from sharing things about myself as I don't really embarrass easily. Obviously, these will be within reason. Posts will be tagged appropriately to make sure that, when things get particularly gnarly, which they might, those who wish to shield themselves from those things can do so. As I've never really used this webbed site to it's (omegalul) full potential, my tagging may be rudimentary at best, so I'm counting on being corrected and sitting my white ass down and learning, so if something slips through the cracks please be sure to let me know.

With that preamble out of the way, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this entry.

One year ago, roughly around mid-year, I noticed that my legs and feet just began swelling constantly, some days to the point of actual pain, not just discomfort. Anytime they were pressed against something, indentations were left on my skin and to squeeze them with one's fingers was to feel something akin to a latex bag filled with sand. It was exacerbated to an unbearable degree any time I had alcohol which, back in those days, was near constantly and at considerable volume given how large I was. In order to actually become comfortably buzzed, I would need to consume probably 2-3 cocktails or 3-4 beers. To become fully drunk, namely something reserved for parties, I would probably need to have consumed 3-4 cocktails or 4-5 beers at minimum due to my size, sitting comfortably around 320 pounds. I was drinking, on average, conservatively, 3-4 drinks a night during the week and at parties probably averaged 6 beers and/or liquor (either straight or in cocktails). Coupled with my inherent love of snacking, any given "normal day", however we're defining that, would be around 3.5-4.5k caloric intake. On spike days, like a party on Saturday or Holidays, this would most likely have easily exceeded 5k. Concern from both my wife and myself (mostly my wife) prompted me to go see a doctor, as the insurance from my new job was a huge upgrade from the hourly job I'd had before it. I had also not been to a doctor since I had been kicked off my parents insurance at 26. I was 31 at the time.

The doctor's visit revealed a slew of issues that, given my lifestyle up to that point, should not have been surprising in any way. Most notable were a slightly fatty liver (not enough for a diagnosis of Fatty Liver Syndrome, but still), dangerously low potassium levels, and high blood pressure, for which I was put on at least 3 medications. The leg and feet swelling was attributed to something called Venous Reflux, a condition in which the Greater Saphenous Vein in the leg cannot bring blood from the lower extremities back to the heart fast enough and it just sort of pools in the feet, eventually swelling up through a decent portion of the leg. One of the more notable parts of the conversation was my weight. I had tried two forms of dieting in the past: 2 rudimentary and half-hearted calorie counts and a brush with intermittent fasting. With both, I was stupid and impatient waiting for near instant results and when the holidays rolled around and everything fell apart, I gave up each time around New Years. Neither had stuck and I assumed I was just not built to handle that kind of commitment. When my doctor mentioned keeping a calorie diary at this visit, I slumped a bit thinking about the previous times I had tried and failed to keep to something like that, but figured I had to give it a shot. The alternative was medication for weight loss and I, then and now, didn't want to be on medication possibly for the rest of my life if I could help it. In that moment, I decided to give it a try naturally and this time, hopefully, stick to it. I re-downloaded the Cronometer app onto my phone and, starting the next day, began documenting what I ate, even just to see what a day looked like at the time. That one doctor's visit changed my life to a degree that I'll never take for granted and set me on my current course - something that I believe has saved my life.

I'll cut the story here for now, as this post is already too long. Tomorrow's entry will continue from this point as mostly a lore dump and catch-up for anyone who hasn't heard all of this yet. Thanks for reading if you did and I'll see you tomorrow for the next one. After three months of this crap you'll all be tired of it but, hey, I'll have a new habit formed and then who's the winner?

Me.

[ghostzussy]

This might be weird because I found you through a post you tagged with Hashimotos. My sister has an inactive one and my cousin and grandma have active ones and I started wondering if I might have it too. Totally fine if you ignore this, also it’s a bit long.

I need 9 hours of sleep to function but my body wants 12+ when it can get it and I’m still tired all the time. I eat with the rest of my family, but I seem to be the only constipated one. I’m also the only one so… round, shall we say, though I think part of that is taking after my moms side of the family while they take after dads more. Last but not least I got an unrelated surgery on my leg recently and suddenly my leg is covered in hives. I’ve never had hives before and don’t have eczema.

Obviously you’re not a doctor and I am meeting one as soon as I can, but I was wondering if this sounded familiar to you or other people with hashimotos. Medical websites don’t really do it when trying to figure out what concerns to bring up to doctors, y know?

Thanks for putting up with the rambling!

Oh man! Just as a quick disclaimer, I do not have a diagnosis for hashimotos at this time. It's suspected I have it but my labs keep coming back weird. I've had a bunch of the symptoms for about 3 years or so, and excessively high microsomal and thyroglobulin antibodies. (Doctors have told me essentially my body is attacking my thyroid and impacting it's function, it just technically works well enough I can't be treated.) As of right now my only officially diagnosed issues are "idk, it's probably autoimmune" 😑

Symptoms

Some things to watch out for are definitely hives. Mine (but not everyone's) just pop up anywhere and everywhere. For example when I get them they appear on my back, legs, arms, hands and face all at once, or in a short period of time.

You also should watch out for chronic fatigue (which it sounds like you have. I'm so sorry), mood swings, depression (or it getting worse), weight gain/loss. You can also check to see if your thyroid is swollen, which is located on your throat just above the little "v" shape of your collarbone. Also if you are AFAB, your periods will make you so fucking sick, it sucks. :( You might be a lot more sensitive to cold than you used to be. Heat can trigger hives. Keep an eye out for arthritis; though mine only recently developed after about 2.5 years. You'll probably feel hormonal and irrational, and that's okay. Just, try not to let it run your life. <3

Getting a diagnosis

If you have family history, you MUST bring that up with your doctors. ESPECIALLY if you are young. (I'm 19, had this issue since I was 16.) They will not believe you. They're probably going to tell you you're dramatic. TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR HIVES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. That's what it took for my doctor to believe me. Otherwise she let me suffer for 6 months before ever running any kind of tests.

Your doctors will probably run blood tests. Mine ran for the antibodies mentioned above, as well as your T4 and Assay Stim hormones. The T4 and Assay stim hormones are your actual thyroid function. They'll determine if you can be treated or not. Your doctor may also test for lupus, because a bunch of the symptoms can overlap.

And DO NOT EVER underplay your symptoms. Tell your doctor like it is; they impact every day of your life. I downplayed mine, they never took me serious, now three years later I'm still suffering with no diagnosis and no treatment.

Your doctors are going to mention your weight. Doctors are fucking assholes. I'm 5'3 200 lbs and every goddamn time I've seen a doctor they tell me I just need to go on a diet. For my height, I'm a little chunky, but not unhealthy. They just... don't know, don't care, I guess.

My advice for symptom management

1. Hives

I take 10 mg of zyrtec twice a day as prescribed by my doctor. I've taken it for 3 years now and it's worked really well; however, your body can get addicted to it. This will make you break out in hives if you ever stop taking it. After taking it for a long period of time, you will need to wean yourself off of it. (I'm also currently in the process of switching medications right now.)

I also take benedryl as needed.

Cold also helps soothe hives. Heat will irritate them. Every time I take a hot shower I come out looking like I've been mauled by a bear LOL

Do NOT take hot showers if you're having a flare up. That's how I ended up in the urgent care getting a steroid shot in the ass after being covered in hives for days. :( (on the other hand, it was funny for the nurse to go "oh I don't think your hives are that bad" and then lift my shirt only to go "OH. ok." And run to go get the shot 🤣)

2. Chronic fatigue

This is the most fucking frustrating symptom I've had (personally.) You're probably going to go through periods where your symptoms get worse; the only thing to do is to take it easy. Rest, if you can. Don't plan too many things on one day if you can help it.

Caffeine helps a lot too, but it's not really recommended. Unfortunately this is one of those things you really can't help. :/

3. Joint issues/arthritis

I alternate between ibuprohen, aspercreme (a literal fucking godsend), pain patches, heating pads and ice packs. It depends on how bad the pain is, where, the weather, etc... you just have to play it by ear. :/

I've also heard a tenz unit works great. I'm going to buy one and use it next winter, hopefully.

4. Period issues

Birth control and midol is all I really have here. :(

I take vienva and it works amazingly for me. That might not be the case for everyone, but that's what I take atm. It's the second one I've tried, because the last one made me want to take a permanent dirt nap. If you ever take a medication that makes you feel this way, consult your doctor and get on a new one. But be careful how you tell them; some doctors are willing to send people on grippy sock vacations for any reason.

/ / /

I really hope this helps. This is just my experience, and just remember I'm not a doctor, nor do I have an accurate diagnosis at this time. This is just all the advice I can offer as someone who's dealt with these issues for 3 years.

I really hope you get better, and that things get easier for you. It's going to be okay. It's hard at first, but once you learn how to manage things better it'll get easier. ❤

And if you ever need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. 🤝