#i truly love how I look mostly and am so happy with the changes my transition got me

[wormeyer]

I need to stop T now, not sure about getting more masculinized and I always planned on stopping one day when I was "satisfied" so ig this is it ??? But I might lose all of my body hair and muscles 😭😭 plus lose some energy ?? I also used to cry 5 days a week pre-T and the 8 days heavy periods 🤒🤒

I'm still a man as much as I am a woman (aka I feel no attachment to any of those terms or any other gendered ones), I think I'm scared of losing the ability to look like a woman and tired of having a beard,, and I don't want to start wearing make up to look "fem", I don't even want to be fem, I want to become hypermasc, to me I am masc but to everyone I look like a femboy,,, but also I feel that I look like a fucking teenage girl ?? Maybe bc my hair is back to how it looked when I was a teen girl and I look so much better but also it's suffocating

I am on holidays with my parents rn which is probably why I feel suffocated tho

Idk how I feel about my chest, never cared for tits, feeling a slight jealousy now for people who have them, took them out without rly wanting to, for cancer risks that I knew my doctor was lying about, but I got excited for the surgery and once I got it it felt so right, I think I'll feel much better with it once I've stopped T, and also I absolutely fear that my tits might grow back when I stop 😨

[bb-blu-love]

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆when the world is asleep⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

tags: idol!bangchan x reader, established relationship, fluff, slight hurt comfort (really just a couple doing their best in a bad situation), reader has ~anxiety~

3:00 AM in the quiet part of town is your favorite place in the world. On the outskirts of the city, where only families and old folks live and the streets are empty this time of night, you have found what seems like the only place in the world where you and Chan can feel truly at ease.

You’d been waiting for him to come over all day, so when he finally called around ten saying he just left the studio you became giddy with excitement that soon turned into anxiety. It’s not like he had never been to your apartment before or that you felt uncomfortable around him; it’s just that you can never shake the fear that this time is when everything will go wrong. That this is the night you’ll be caught by photographers or fans and soon everyone will know and your relationship will change forever. That your whole life could change forever. These worries echoed in your brain as you went down to the entrance of your building to let Chan in. 

Your nerves were obvious; you didn’t hug him as tightly as you wanted to--trying to maintain the illusion that you could just be friends should anyone see you--and your smile twisted into a grimace as you kept an eye on your surroundings.

The summer night air ruffled the hair that stuck out from his hat “Hey, Baby!” he said with a soft smile “You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’m glad you could come over tonight,” You shyly smile, still not being able to shake the tight feeling in your stomach. 

He hummed a response and, sensing how on edge you were , looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was around before asking, “Should we go upstairs? I brought ice cream,” and lifted up a convenience store bag in his hand.

After heading up to your apartment the two of you spent hours just talking in your room. You were mostly catching up—you hadn’t seen each other in a couple of days due to your schedules—but eventually, it dissolved into a mess of inside jokes, you showing him all the Tik Toks you’d saved for him, him showing you videos of the boys messing around in dance practice in return, and whatever other nonsense made you both smile. Even though your relationship could be stressful, actually being with Chan was the easiest thing in the world. Honestly, you would be happy staying here forever; cuddled in his arms in the dim light of your bedroom, listening to his laugh get all squeaky as he worked himself up over some dumb video you won’t even remember in the morning. 

What you will remember, however, is how hot you are right now. Turns out your fourth-floor apartment with one broken AC unit could spell quite the sweathouse in the summer—especially with the amount of physical contact you two are prone to after some time apart. Chan had already shed his shirt sometime in between his first and second popsicle, and you had all of your fans on high pointed at your bed where you both laid tangled up with each other.

Chan, after finally calming down from his laughing fit, let out a sigh as he stared up at your ceiling. "You know I love you, right?"

"Yeah, why?" You asked, confused by his sudden declaration.

He continued quickly, "And you know that I really like coming over to your place-"

"Yeahh?"

"-because of the lack of roommates and overall better smell?"

"Also, I have HBO."

"Yes, also that—so will you not take offense if I, hypothetically, say that I’m going to die of heat stroke if I stay in here any longer?" He looked over at you with a rueful smile.

You laughed silently as you looked into his eyes. "I’ll go get my shoes."

He let out a triumphant "Yes!" and pumped his fist into the air as you got off of the bed, satisfied with the result of your banter. As you continued to get ready, he moved to the edge of your bed and was brought back to how anxious you seemed when he first arrived. "We don’t actually have to go out if you don’t want to, though," he said, scratching his arm as a nervous tick. "I know that we both get all paranoid when we’re not in private, and I don’t want to ruin the night or anything."

You turned to face him and put a reassuring hand on his arm, whilst you tried to shove your own concerns to the back of your mind."Don’t worry about it. I was thinking we could go to that one spot—you know, where we went on your birthday?"

"Yeah, that sounds perfect." He said with a relieved smile.

And that’s what brought you here; after checking for paparazzi from your apartment windows, and after you went outside and checked again, ensuring you both had your incognito face masks and baseball caps on. Finally, you were able to make the epic journey two blocks down and one over to a small playground surrounded by some trees and a fence: your safe haven. Taking in the warm night air as the wind lightly blows across your face--gently wicking the sweat on your brow--and hearing the leaves softly rustle as you both sit on the old swing set and let your legs dangle. You did what you loved to do most with each other: you talked.

"I’m sorry it’s always like this," Chan said as he looked at his feet, the toe of his shoes sputtering over the rubbery ground as he swayed, "that we can’t just get together and go to restaurants and the movies or—I don’t know— win you a big teddy bear at a carnival," he laughs half-heartedly, "or whatever regular couples get to do."

You smile sadly. "I’m sorry too. Maybe I’m just being overly cautious." 

He reaches over, grabs your hand, and rubs gentle circles on the back with his thumb, letting you know he isn’t mad and that he doesn’t blame you for anything. 

"I could tell the company, and they could release a statement or something." His tone hitches up at the end, almost like it’s a question—or maybe just the only thing he can think of to ease your guilt.

Not wanting to worry him, and always the best at avoiding the hard topics, you raise your eyebrows and sarcastically remark, "Oh yeah, and that would go over really well."

"Hm, yeah, you’re right. What do you think they would say, though?"

You lower your voice and attempt your best soulless executive impression. "'How could you, Chan?! You’re being so selfish by having desires and feelings! How do you expect us to monetize you when we can’t sell you as a fantasy boyfriend? Blargh rargh raa!'" You both chuckle at the absurdity of your situation: "And then of course you’ll get punished by your company, and everyone on Twitter is going to eat you alive when they find out, and you’ll get a tidal wave of hate thrown at you-"

"Oh, for sure." He nods along to your pessimistic prophecy (and excellent impression).

"-and I’ll be, like, assassinated by a bunch of teenagers whose identity hinges on the fantasy that they are secretly your one true love." You finish with a breathy chuckle.

He smiles at the ground. "Hey, Stays are much more than that," he says in an only half-serious defense.

"Heh, not the ones that I’ll have to deal with," you reply, almost to yourself. He seems to draw back at that comment, whatever clever response he had lined up dying on his lips.

You press your toes into the soft ground and push your swing over to his so that your shoulders touch. "I’m joking, Chan," you say in a soft voice.

"No, you're not." He shoots back in defeat. You sigh and try to meet his evasive eyes.

"You’re right, I’m not," you sigh, leaning in closer to him, "but that doesn’t mean I regret any of this. I can wish things were different while still loving how they are now." He finally meets your eyes, and his gaze goes soft. You share a fond look and, without words, reach an understanding: you're the best thing that has happened to each other, and eventually your love may see the light of day, but for now, just this is more than enough.

He brings your hand up to his mouth and lightly kisses your knuckles before letting your arms fall in between the both of you. "You’re right. I love this too. I’ll love anything as long as we can do it together." His words are full of tenderness and a rom-com sincerity that only he can do right.

"Except sit in my hot apartment." You smile as you lean towards him, and he smiles too as he goes in for a kiss.

"No, I loved that too. Just a little less than this." His lips touch yours, gentle and grinning, as your giggles float up into the night sky and you feel truly at ease once more.

[benisasoftboi]

I am so happy with the conclusion of BBC Ghosts.

There were so many things I loved about the final series that I can't even keep it all straight in my brain, I'll have to rewatch it all (and the Christmas special, of course! Must remember it's the not the true end yet!)

But something I can immediately say I loved was what they didn't do. See, that line in the trailer that turned out to be from episode 5 - about there being a pattern to when they move on - worried me. One of the best things about the show, to me, is how there truly is not any reason at all to why the ghosts are there, or when they go. It's something the creators have said over and over, and that the show has always backed up; we saw so many times that, unlike in most ghost media, addressing unfinished business or achieving emotional resolution changes absolutely nothing. Pat hit some sort of emotional resolution three times. And Julian realised the importance of family, and Robin saved someone’s life, and Thomas discovered the truth of his death, and so on and so on. Finding closure isn't the end, and equally, the end isn't predicated by a climatic conclusion. It just happens. And the same is true for why people become ghosts. It just happens. And you exist, and fill your days, and then you’re gone. And no one knows why.

It's kind of the most agnostic television show I've ever seen.

I love that. Every other afterlife show I've ever seen has some kind of reward and punishment system. Or at least says that there's a reason for things, some kind of higher power at play, not necessarily a god but something like it. Even the American adaptation felt the need to bring Hell into it, which is why I need to specify that I'm only talking about the British version here. And I feel like a lot of fans wanted there to be reasons too, or felt like there simply had to be, that it wasn't even a question. I get why - it's not just because it's the standard for ghost narratives. It's really uncomfortable to think about the randomness of life and death. But Mary didn't go because of anything that happened before that day, and Cap was never going to go because he came out, and one day, when they've all gone, there won't have been a reason for it.

Because the real point of BBC Ghosts is that there is no point. You’ve just got to make it through the days, surrounded by people that irritate you, trapped in a confusing world where you’re mostly powerless. And it sucks, and you're angry, and sad, and bored as hell. And you also find happiness in the mundane chaos, and you get really good at chess, and watch the ants in the garden, and write bad poetry, and read terrible romance novels, and gamble money you don't have, and go camping, and play games, and learn French, and watch reality TV, and have sex with a decapitated Tudor nobleman’s body, and dance to old music, and look at the stars, and find that you actually really love all those annoying people after all, and that’s the point.

[another-random-paradise]

Hey!! I was wondering if i could request what you think some housewardens would be like with a S/O who makes a lot of references? Whether it's anime, video game, pop culture etc etc, I don't mind which ones you choose as long as Idia is there!! Thanks :D ur underrated

A man of culture

Thank you so much for the request and the kind words, it really makes my day <3 I mostly kept the references vague, because as much as i love them, i am horrible at coming up with them- Hope you enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------------

Reader makes a lot of references

Characters: Idia, Malleus, Cater

Format: Headcanons

Warnings: None that i can think off

Idia

-You're on a somewhat big bolder, looking down at him "It's Over, Anakin, I Have the High Ground!" He is down on one knee with a ring, Or at least he would be were he not way to socially anxious he is so in love with you it is unbelievable

-Because it would most likely mean that you not only make references, but would also understand his! He won't have to switch to normie language nor constantly explain everything!!

-I feel like he'd be a lot more comfortable around you, because he feels more 'normal' with you; he knows you won't judge him for his word choice nor his interested, because you do the same!

-Of course his social anxiety won't disappear completely, he is still anxious around you, especially because your important to him, and there might be some days were it's worse and needs time to himself, that of course won't change that he loves you and tries to be as open as he can be with you (Speaking from experience here lol)

-If you two are dating/really close, he'll let you still chill in his room, even during some of his worser days, just don't expect much conversation. 

-Don't be afraid to look over and make a joke or reference based on what he's currently watching/playing, you'll make his day! He might not reply, but you can hear him laugh :)

-On his better days, chances are the two of you are having a date in his room, watching anime or playing video games in wich he definitely won't get competitive, noooo while eating snack and you're just almost exclusively talking in references, just going back and forth-

-In fact, not just during dates, during the few times he is outside it would be the same!.. much to your friends dismay, because most of the time, they can't understand a word you say. Cater might understand one or two from pop culture or if they're popular memes but that's about it

-Ortho also understands because he can just look it up! He very much approves of the two of you, because thanks to you, his brother is outside AND smiling for more than a few seconds, that's an absolute win in his book! :)

Malleus

-He doesn't understand a word you're saying, but he loves you anyway.

-Most of the time he just lets you say your references, happy you're comfortable enough around him to be yourself, even it confuses him!

-If the reference directly impacts the conversation though, or if one just happened to catch his interest. He'll listens very intensely to your explanation, almost scarily so! Not that you would ever find him truly scary <3

-You'd probably hold back from making to many references around him, not wanting to confuse him. When he finds out, he tells you not to. He wants you to be able to be your authentic self, and if he gets to ramble about gargoyles to you, then it's only fair that you get to make as many references as you want, no? He just needs some explanation some times

-That gives you an idea! You make a slideshow about the most common/popular, as well as your favorites, to show to him!.. Turns out he doesn't know what a slideshow is, but he is intrigued!

-So now you have a date teaching him how to make slideshows and help him make one about gargoyles! Now you have a slideshow date at least once a week, where you explain refrences and he talks about slideshows :)

-He is actually really happy about it, it shows your comfortable enough to be yourself around him and your slideshows lets him understand a bit of modern media, making it just a tad bit easier to get along with his classmates!  

Cater

-He either gets all of them or none of them; it really depends on the type of references tbh

-If it's pop culture, then he would get most of it, you'd be the type of couple who flirts through references and memes

-Half of his tweets would just be stuff like "[Insert popular hot character] ain't got nothing on my s/o" and his fans have a field trip every time. He'd also sends you like a bunch of memes and "Happy spouse, Happy life" videos

-So if you do the same? He'd love you even more than he already does! He really loves all your references that he does get, they never fail to make him laugh! You two would just be out and about, till you spot a dog that can jump very high, "Oh wow, that dog can jump higher than super Mario himself." You look to your side and see cater giggling to himself, a genuine smile on his face   

-And if you compliment him through references? Suddenly, he is very flustered!

-It might take him a while to accept the compliments though; You can't tell me he isn't actually insecure behind that influencer act. But once he does, he'll be a flustered mess every time, stuttering while trying to come up with an equally flirty comeback, BUT once he gets used to it, you two will absolutely go back and forth trying to out-reference-complement each other

-If it's anime or video game references, i feel like it'd be a bit different, since he would probably not get them unless they're really mainstream- I don't see him too invested in stuff like that 

-He'll still encourage you though, because he adores the how you'll excitedly compare something to your favorite scene, or how monotonly you'll compare someones stupidity to a character that's known for their stupidity 

-He loves it all, even those that he doesn't understand :)

This was so fun to write!! also, first time writing Cater, kinda nervous

Feedback is welcome, just be nice :)

hope you have a nice day/night!!

[erinwantstowrite]

Let me just quickly say, cross-overs can sometimes get REALLY difficult to map out and write in a cohesive way but you have absolutely NAILED IT!! I absolutely ADORE LoF!!! I usually don’t even bother reading fics with the ‘Richard Grayson is Richard Parker’ premise cause I felt like they were super confusing and overcomplicated but this fic?? SUPERB. ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE. OH MY GOD I ADORE IT. Everyone’s characterizations are so nice and wonderful aaaaaaah!!!! <33333

Ok ok I did actually have a question as well: would you be willing to share what your writing process looks like in terms of a chapter you’ve already posted? I was just wondering since I’m also currently working on my own fic (it’s been a few years but I managed to get fixated on an idea and it grew legs lol) and I’m currently fighting the organization of it haha.

How do you keep track of the plot points and/or foreshadowing you want to get a ‘lightbulb!’ moment for later? Do you have any tips?

Thank you so much! I absolutely adore your writing AND your art is so gorgeous omg it adds so much to the incredible story :DDD I hope you have a good day!!

I have a secret: I actually didn't like "Richard Grayson is Richard Parker' tag for a while for the same reason. Sometimes they felt like they missed the mark or it's just. A thing that's there? I almost didn't include it for LoF, but I'm glad I did because it changed the direction in such a big way.

Another secret: this made me incredibly happy because I have read so many wikis and scoured the internet to make sure that I had enough info on both fandoms so LoF could make sense to anyone who's reading it, whether they know Spider-Man, Batfam, or neither at all. Sometimes I worry a lot before I post that I'll miss a mark and will confuse people.

As for the question: I definitely am willing to share what my writing process looks like!

Be prepared for under the cut, I love to yap. It's in my blood to yap. And that's why it took a minute to get to this ask haha

(Spoilers for Leap of Faith!! Everything mentioned has already been published ((Chapters 1-11))

I had to go and find out which chapter I wanted to use as an example and I think we're gonna go with Chapter 5 for the most part :)

My writing process is, as described by alighterwood:

I think the description fits because while I'm all over the place, I have to be very detail oriented and I store everything in one spot.

Starting with the overall process, what I find is most helpful for me, when organizing, is having a notebook rather than doing it all digitally. I've been using a 70 sheet notebook that I had lying around waiting to be used, and as of yesterday, I officially filled the entire thing front to back. It's been an incredible help, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it's a lot easier to remember something I physically wrote down than it is to remember something I typed. I'm now on to my second notebook for LoF, and I might even have to get a third.

In another ask, startupkat asked me this:

And I shared a little about my outline process there, but I'll try to go into a little more depth here. Emphasis on little because this is so long.

I write a truly insane amount of outlines in this notebook.

This is just what I can show you, but a good chunk of the notebook is just outlines. Over and over and over again. That's because they're always changing/adapting based on so many different factors. Sometimes I get to a chapter I thought I had fully planned out and then realize it just doesn't work anymore. Other times, I get to the chapter and realize I don't want to write that anymore/isn't as interesting as I thought it would be. A few times I got halfway through a POV of a scene I was struggling on and decided to switch POV's, which will change up the outline for a chapter every now and then.

Which is why I don't write incredibly detailed outlines and try to keep it vague until I actually get to that chapter. It's a lot less daunting to rewrite a chapter outline than it is to rewrite the entire outline.

Fic outlines and Chapter outlines look a lot alike.

This is what I said in the other ask, but I didn't elaborate on it all the way.

I make a list just like that, and then I try to put it in chronological order/in an order that makes sense. I keep the Fic outline vague by writing down "Goals" for a chapter rather than scenes. But I also keep notes to myself if I really think something is important. The more important I think a scene needs to be, the more details I write down to make sure my future self recalls what I had in mind when I thought it up.

Really simple example:

Chap 1 Goal: Peter gets to Gotham and meets Babs while running around. Meet Nightwing too? Get shelter.

Chapter 2 Goal: Bats are like "???" about Peter. Batfam dynamic important... Peter stalking Batfam back? Peter meet Batman >:)

When I get to a chapter, that's when I make a far more detailed list of wants/needs/goals. It's the Step 2 from the Step 1. Here are some examples from Chapter 5:

Needed to have:

More POV's from universe 1299 (Peter's home universe)

Tony's POV more specifically, how he's doing/feeling, what he's figured out

What they've figured out on 1299 side vs what's going on in 1300 (Gotham)

Explaining more about Peter's trauma/his past

Dick learning more about Peter, and vise versa

Wanted to have:

Ned being a more central character

Natasha :)

Loki being a little shit

Tony and Cap bickering

Peter talking to Nightwing again

The last name Grayson

Gymnastics!!

(This is the shortened list, because the chapters are so long)

When I looked at this list before writing my outline, I had to figure out how I could incorporate everything. If I needed more 1299 POV's, and I wanted Ned, Natasha, and Loki, there's one scene accounted for. I had to get their side of things and wanted that trio together. I needed a Tony POV, and I wanted Tony and Cap bickering, so those went together, plus I got 1299's POV of Ohnn and his plans explained.

I needed to have Peter explaining more about his trauma, and Dick and Peter to talk/get closer. I wanted a Nightwing POV, to have Peter say his last name, and them doing gymnastics. I knew Peter wouldn't willingly talk about that, so I had him have a nightmare. Not only did it give readers perspective but it made Peter more susceptible to talking to Nightwing because he was more emotionally vulnerable/lonely, and that's how that scene came together.

That's when I would write down the chronological order of these events by writing out "Scene Blocks." (This is what I wrote down but my handwriting was so bad I can't subject y'all to it):

scene 1- Ned talking to Loki. Natasha should be nearby and observing Loki's behavior. They are not on friendly terms. Ned is more worried about Peter than he is as to what Loki could be up to, so Natasha takes on that role.

scene 2- Tony is freaking out about Peter being in an alt dimension. He should attack Ohnn when he's not prepared for it. Beat his ass? Beat his ass. Cap there too.

scene 3- Peter's nightmare. "Ben, where do you go when you die?" "Where do you think?" "With you. Where you went."

scene 4- Nightwing and Peter.

Of course, things come to attention when writing. Like originally, Tony and Cap were arguing in the Tower. But it was a little too much like his and Natasha's argument, and I kept in mind that Tony is smart. Sometimes I forget that the characters are smarter than I am, so I have to account for what they would figure out. So Tony would have picked up the puzzle pieces and come to more conclusions than I originally thought about, and I figured he'd be way more proactive about it than just. Being in the Tower and waiting.

Which means that that scene ended up being as listed above: having a squabble with Cap, learning more about Peter's dynamic with the Avengers in this universe, and seeing how Tony is reacting to it by throwing himself head first into trying to capture Ohnn.

I'll realize I need something else to be mentioned or put in and I'll have to shimmy things around, but that's basically how it goes.

As for other forms of organization:

Keeping a timeline is so important because it tells you a lot about the environment your characters are in. It's also important to remember what a character has on them, what money they've spent, who they've met/who you have mentioned, every alias that is being used, to read your work and write down edits you want to make before you make them, to write down ideas beforehand of situations you can use, and, most importantly: MAKE A MAP!! This has saved me so many times. Sometimes your brain WILL trick you or make it harder on you to envision a scene. Make a map of where your characters are physically!! It will save you too!!

As for foreshadowing and plot points, I'll let you in on yet another secret:

Your subconscious is doing a lot more than you think it is.

Sometimes when I foreshadow something, I didn't even know I was until I got to it. I very often go back to read chapters that came before this to see what I've mentioned and what I haven't, and when I do, I'll see something and go "I have to bring this back" or "I almost forgot about that!"

Other times, I am very aware of what I'm foreshadowing, and that's because I follow a mystery plot formula. You have to keep in mind everyone's intentions, all the time. How are they feeling? What are their motivations? And: what are they doing right now, while this character is doing this?

Like Beck and Ohnn. From the very beginning, I knew I had to make sure that it was obvious Ohnn wasn't working alone. From there, I had to weave through the story and slowly build him up as someone who's working behind the scenes. Even from Ned's first POV, I made sure to mention that this person knows Tony and is tech savvy.

My biggest tip is to make sure you reread your work or at least skip through it, because sometimes you don't even know that you placed something there.

And sometimes, it's very purposeful. :)

I hope this helped! I really tried to keep it short but I am insane and the process is sooooo long. It sounds complicated but it really is simple when you're actually doing it I swear

[poohsources]

🐝  *  ―  𝑷𝑹𝑰𝑫𝑬 𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑨𝑹𝑻𝑬𝑹𝑺.  (  in honor of pride month, here are some sentences for lgbtq+ muses, coming outs, and pride in general. i'm mostly keeping these positive because this is our month and we deserve positivity and understanding.  )

❛  always be proud of who you are.  ❜ ❛  i'm not going to change who i am just because some people don't like my sexuality.  ❜ ❛  are you planning how to come out to your family?  ❜ ❛  i don't want to hide who i am anymore.  ❜ ❛  if that's how you truly feel then i'm okay with it. as long as you're happy, i'm happy.  ❜ ❛  can you tell me more about being [ gay / bisexual / trans / etc. ]?  ❜ ❛  we shouldn't be shamed for who we are.  ❜ ❛  there's nothing wrong with you. it's society as a whole that's wrong.  ❜ ❛  my coming out didn't go as planned ...  ❜ ❛  i've always felt like i didn't fit in but now i know it's only because i repressed who i really am.  ❜ ❛  just be yourself, and don't give a damn what anyone else may think.  ❜ ❛  i can finally be myself!  ❜ ❛  you don't have to hide who you are with me. i love you no matter what.  ❜ ❛  you don't have to label yourself if you don't want to or don't feel like you haven't found the right one yet.  ❜ ❛  want to come to the pride parade with me?  ❜ ❛  when did you figure out you're [ lesbian / ace / nonbinary / etc. ]?  ❜ ❛  it's terrible having to choose between being yourself and being safe.  ❜ ❛  people should remember that it doesn't matter what we identify as because we're all human deep down.  ❜ ❛  remember how everyone had their weird phases as a teenager? being straight was mine.  ❜ ❛  well, apparently i didn't have to come out since everyone apart from me always knew i'm not straight.  ❜ ❛  this is the first pride month i can finally be myself.  ❜ ❛  have you ever been at pride?  ❜ ❛  i wish my family would be as understanding as you are.  ❜ ❛  it's time to stop pretending you're something you're not.  ❜ ❛  as long as you're happy does it really matter who you fall in love with?  ❜ ❛  why do strangers care so much about my personal life and think they can judge me for something i literally cannot control?  ❜ ❛  you don't have to have figured it all out yet. you've still got your whole life ahead of you to do that.  ❜ ❛  well ... being straight is boring anyway, isn't it?  ❜ ❛  do you have any tips about coming out to people?  ❜ ❛  it feels good to talk to someone who understands me.  ❜ ❛  i accept you the way you are, you don't have to pretend with me.  ❜ ❛  it feels so good to stop pretending.  ❜ ❛  look, i bought a pride flag!  ❜ ❛  how did your coming out go?  ❜ ❛  what are your pronouns?  ❜ ❛  they're assholes if they don't accept you for who you are. you're awesome!  ❜ ❛  hey, do you mind using [ pronoun / pronoun ] for me now? i'm trying to figure something out.  ❜ ❛  today, i'm finally going to legally change my documents.  ❜ ❛  i don't understand much about lgbtq but i'm willing to learn.  ❜ ❛  you deserve to be loved just the way you are.  ❜

[swimmingismywholelife]

Noel (No Faith)

Summary: You wanted more from John and he couldn't care less. So why then was he at your door on Christmas Eve?

Warnings: fwb-to-lovers!John, angst, SMUT, arguments, soft domJohn, unprotected sex (don't be silly, wrap your willy!), creampie, fingering, pussy licking, playing with nipples, missionary, honestly it's all very soft sex, HAPPY ENDING

WC: 3.8K

A/N: 🎶On the second day of Ficmas my writer gave to me, some angst and smut with dear old Johnny🎶 Hi my name is Janelle and I'm ashamed to say I love John Stones 🫣. The song that inspired this fic is "Noel (No Faith)" by 7 Minutes in Heaven! This is one of, if not, my favorite Christmas song bc it's just so good and I really think you should give it a listen. And this is I think my longest fic to date so I hope you all enjoy!

Link to the Song: Noel (No Faith)

"Noel, Noel, I wish that you would come home for Christmas (for Christmas)

Don't make me wait another year

Noel, Noel, I can't be left alone

You can unwrap the truth, my dear

You're all I want for Christmas this year."

~~~

You sighed with content as you finished putting up the last of the lights on the Christmas tree. You took a step back and smiled, proud of your work. You'd spent the weekend decorating your house, trying to cope with the homesickness of your first Christmas in Manchester away from your family. The star was centered perfectly on the top of the tree, stockings hung on your fireplace (mostly for decoration), and even though it was already Christmas Eve, you were happy to see everything come together. Now you truly felt ready for Christmas.

Well, almost.

Christmas was usually your favorite time of year. But this would be the first year you would be spending it alone. And the first year spending it along with a broken heart. You still replayed the scene in your head every night since it happened. Since the night John Stones left your heart in pieces.

"I don't know why you're mad," John scoffed, rolling out of your bed. "We had an agreement."

"I mean, yeah we did," you said quietly, sitting up.

"So then what's the problem?" he asked, beginning to redress himself.

"The problem, John, is that you treat me more than this agreement was originally supposed to be!" you said exasperated. "You act jealous when I'm around other guys, you basically live with me at this point, you call me even if nothing special is going on just because you wanna hear my voice. What am I supposed to think about that?"

John pinched the bridge of his nose huffing. "Listen, things were outlined pretty clearly when we first started this. You didn't seem to have an issue then, nor last night when you were screaming my name."

"You're full of shit, John, you know that?" you said as tears began forming in the corners of your eyes. "Things can change and feelings can change. And I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I didn't intend to! It just happened and I'm being honest. You've known how I felt and you did nothing but treat me like you wanted it to!"

John sharply turned to face you. "I've been clear from the beginning that I wasn't looking to commit. I wanted some fun and that's what we got and that's all it's gonna be."

"So all of our little outings alone? All of the nights where we poured our hearts out to each other? Inviting me to all your games so I could proudly wear you jersey? That all meant nothing you to you?" you asked.

"Look, if you wanna stop just say so and be done with it," he said.

A tear fell from your eyes.

"I guess that's it then," you said quietly.

Despite the fact that this happened months ago, you couldn't find it in you to move on. John made you feel so special, so different. You knew what the boundaries were when you agreed to be friends with benefits, but you couldn't help but fall in love with him. Every day that went by, you only missed John more.

Still, John didn't have to be such a dick about the whole thing. He was the one you led you on and left that night, not once looking back. It wasn't like you ended with solely unrequited love and he let you down gently. He made you feel like shit for catching feelings, like you didn't matter to him. You felt used and it felt disgusting.

So why did you find yourself missing him more than ever? Why were you holding out hope for him? Why were you still keeping your faith in him when he had no faith in you?

"Please come home," you whispered, looking at the star on top of your tree illuminating the room. You knew your wish was futile, but maybe this year would be your year for a Christmas miracle.

As you turned back upstairs, a knocking on the door stopped you in your tracks. You cocked your head in confusion. It was Christmas Eve and everyone you knew was spending Christmas with their families. You weren't expecting anyone to come visit. You were even more confused when you opened the door to find the very man you'd been wanting to see.

"John?" you said puzzled.

"I know it's Christmas Eve and we haven't spoken in weeks, but I just really needed to talk to you. Is that okay?" he asked, the words rapidly leaving his mouth as his body shook from the cold.

"I-" You hesitated. "I'm not really sure if that's a good idea."

"Please? I just need you to know and if after that you never wanna see me again, then I'll leave you alone," he replied desperately.

Letting the spirit of Christmas overpower your overwhelming urge to kick him in the face and leave him in the cold, you opened your door wider to let him in. John quickly stepped into the warmth of your home, rubbing his hands together.

"Let me start up the kettle for some tea. You wait on the couch and I'll grab you a blanket too," you said, gesturing to the living room he was more than familiar with.

"Thank you, Y/N," he said gratefully.

You took a deep breath as you made your way into the kitchen. "Dude, I know I said I wanted a Christmas miracle, but I wasn't emotionally prepared for this," you muttered to yourself as you filled the kettle with water. Once the stove was on, you grabbed a blanket from your closet for the man sitting in your living room.

"Here," you said, handing it to him.

"You remembered," he said quietly. You almost asked what he was talking about when you saw the familiar checkered pattern on the blanket. You grabbed the first one you saw, not realizing you'd instinctually grabbed John's favorite blanket.

"Truthfully, that was an accident," you said, trying to lighten up the mood. It didn't really work as the air grew awkward and thick, neither of you really knowing what to say.

"Um, I'll be right back and get your tea," you said awkwardly, quickly getting up.

You took your time, trying to mentally prepare yourself for the conversation. Why was he here? What did he want? Why Christmas Eve? So many questions rolled into your mind as you made his tea just the way he liked.

You came back and handed him the mug, John muttering a thanks before sipping on the tea.

"John, why are you here?" you asked exasperated, finally breaking the silence.

"I…" John sighed. "I wanted to talk."

You crossed your arms. "Well, you're here now. So talk."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the tops of his thighs, setting the mug on the table. "I know that I fucked up, really fucked up. And I left you hanging after leading you on for so long." He turned to look at you. "And I just wanted to say I'm sorry for ever treating you so horribly. You've never deserved it and you were right, you can't help how you feel about someone."

"Thank you," you said.

"I thought I'd be fine after walking out that day," he continued. "To me, it really was just a thing that we did and nothing more. But days turned into weeks turned into months and something was wrong. It didn't matter who I tried to get with. I just couldn't do it. Every single girl just reminded me of you. At first, I didn't really I was comparing everyone to you until one day when it hit me. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and how you make me feel."

"And how do I make you feel, John?" you asked, curling your legs underneath you.

"Alive. You give me that drive and passion to do what I love, to be a better man. I miss the way you pretended to be asleep just so I would kiss you awake. I miss the way you play with my hair after a long day at practice or a late night game. I miss the way you felt in my arms. I miss the way your eyes light up at the sight of the stupid festive cups at coffee shops. I miss how I didn't have to fear who I was or who I wanted to be because you always brought out the best in me. God, I just miss you so much and I can't believe how stupid I was for not seeing it until you were long gone," he said on the verge of tears.

Neither of you said anything for a while after his confession. The tension only grew thicker as John anticipated your reaction, mentally preparing himself for the worst.

"You still hurt me, John," you replied after a while. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you did that day. How you left me feeling used and stupid and dumb. I thought you and I were on the same page and I couldn't have been further from the truth."

John gently took both of your hands in his. You allowed him to gently lace his fingers through yours, shivers running down your spine as he thumbs stroked your hand.

"I know," he said. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you while I had you. But if you give me a chance, I swear to you I'll make it up to you and show you how much you mean to me."

"John…." you trailed off. "I don’t know. I don't know how I can trust you again after what you did."

He tightened his grip on your hand. "You don't have to give me an answer today. You don't even have to give me an answer for the rest of the year. I'll wait as long as you need. Even if you decide no, I'll still be waiting here for you."

"Johnny, I don't want you to be waiting for me," you said softly. "That wouldn't be fair on you."

He shook his head. "No, Y/N, I'm the one who hasn't been fair to you at all. Waiting is the least I can do for you."

A silence fell, the two of you lost in your own thoughts. John was wondering if he'd been too late to fix things, if his chance was gone. Meanwhile, you were thinking if he even deserved another chance. It had taken you months to even fathom getting over him. Was this a test to see if you truly belonged together? Or was this a red flag that was being blatantly waved in front of you?

All the while, you never thought to release your hand from John's. It felt right for your hand to be there. While your head was in turmoil, it was also the calmest it had been since the day he left.

"Why did you come here tonight?" you asked, breaking the silence. "Why tonight specifically? Why didn't you come earlier or later in the year?"

"Because I know how much Christmas means to you," he replied. "I knew I was risking ruining your holiday, but I wanted to show you that I'm serious about this, more serious than anything I've ever done in my life."

"Will you stay?" you asked him with hopeful eyes, still being unsure of your feelings but not quite wanting him to leave.

"Baby, I'll stay as long as you want me here," John said, looking into your eyes. His hands moved from yours to cup your cheeks. "Would you like me to stay?"

You nodded. "You can stay in the guest room for the night so we can have some space. I'll grab you more blankets."

Too quickly for your liking, you pulled away, his hands lingering on your face just a little bit longer. While you wanted him next to you, it probably wasn't the best idea all things considered. You grabbed some spare blankets, alongside some spare clothes of his you couldn't bare to part with, handing them to him.

"I'm really surprised you still have these," John said.

You shrugged. "I still have everything you gave me quite frankly."

John's heart stopped for a moment. Maybe there was still a chance for you to have faith in him again.

"If you need me, just knock on my door, okay?" you said, leaning against the doorframe.

"I will. Good night, Y/N," he answered.

"Good night, John," you said softly.

You quickly got ready for bed, turning the light off in your room. You made yourself comfortable underneath the warmth of the blankets, but you still felt cold. How could you sleep properly knowing John was next door? Knowing that he wanted you back? You tossed and turned for a few hours, but you knew you wouldn't be getting any sleep that night, especially because you just wanted to be in the comfort of his arms.

You got out of bed to get some water, wanting to walk a bit to clear your head. You opened your door to come face to face with John, whose hand was raised indicating that he was about to knock on your door. You nearly screamed before you realized who he was.

"Jesus Christ, John! You scared the shit out of me," you said panting, putting your hand on your chest.

"Sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"That's okay, I only just lost a few years off my life," you joked. "But is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just couldn't really sleep," he answered, "and honestly I just really wanted to see you."

The two of you stared at each other for a moment, not really knowing what to say. You got lost in his eyes, that feeling you've always had with him returning.

Acting purely on instinct, both of you reached for each other, lips smashing desperately against each other. You felt like you could breathe again despite how hard the two of you were kissing. It just felt right that he was there with you. It felt right how his body was perfectly molded to yours.

John closed to door behind you, gently pushing you against it. His kisses were passionate yet still soft and gently, almost like he was afraid to hurt you. His hands were firmly around your waist as yours were around his neck, your fingers running through his hair.

"Jump," he whispered against you.

You obliged, wrapping your legs around him. He walked you to your bed, gently placing you on it as he climbed on top, your lips not parting once. He pulled away only to remove both of your shirts before returning to kiss you. His hands moved to your tits, gently squeezing them. You let out a breathy moan of his name.

"I missed his so much," he said just as breathlessly. "I missed your pretty little moans, baby." He squeezed a little harder, making your moans grow louder. "That's it, Let me hear you, Y/N."

His kisses started trailing down your jaw to your neck, his teeth nipping the skin. Little red marks were left in his wake until his mouth hovered over your nipple. He gently blew on it before taking it into his mouth, making a loud moan leave your body.

"You like that, baby?" John asked.

"Yes, John," you answered, your body squirming underneath him. "I love it so much."

John switched sides, your hands guiding his head there. He sucked harder, causing your hips to roll against his, groaning when your clothed cunt made contact with the bulge under his pants. His lips trailed down once again until he hit the band of the sweatpants you were wearing, noting that technically, they were his.

"Can I take this off, Y/N?" he asked, looking up at you.

You nodded your head frantically. "Yes, please take them off, please."

His hands grabbed the band and pulled down, moaning when he realized you weren't wearing any underwear.

"No underwear, baby? Are you trying to kill me?" he growled.

"It's comfortable, okay?" you squeaked out. "You know I've always preferred it that way."

John licked his lips as he laid his eyes on your pussy, the folds glistening with your wetness.

"Can I-" he started, but you cut him off.

"Yes, yes please!" you said desperately. "I need to feel your mouth on my pussy, John!"

He chuckled before licking your pussy, making you moan, your hands flying to grab his curls. John took his time licking from the bottom all the way to your clit. He repeated this motion several times, loving the way you tugged on him in desperation.

"Fuck!" you screamed when his lips sucked on your clit, your hips bucking into his face. "Fuck just like that!"

He sucked harder as one of his fingers teased your entrance. Your chest was up and down rapidly as your heartbeat quickened. You moaned loudly when his finger entered you, immediately hitting your g spot. He wasn't moving fast, but he was pressing deep into your pussy, making everything more intense.

"That feels so good," you said, "please don't stop. So good."

You hadn't slept with anyone since John. You couldn't possible bring yourself to. The only pleasure you'd gotten was from yourself, meaning your body more sensitive than usual. You felt your release coming fast.

"John, I think I'm gonna cum," you moaned out. In response, John picked up the pace, adding another finger. "I'm right there, baby, I just need a little bit more." John shook his head back and forth as he finger fucked you hard and fast. You screamed out, pulling his head further into your pussy as your release hit you. Your back arched against the bed, John taking one of the hands from behind his head to lace them together. You squeezed his hand as a wave of cum flooded his mouth, John happily licking all of it up.

You brought his face back up to your lips, needing to feel them against yours once again. You moaned slightly at the taste of yourself, John's hand gently cupping your cheek to kiss you deeper. He quickly took his bottoms off guiding his cock to your entrance. He tapped the head against your clit and your hips rolled.

"Is this okay?" John asked. "Are you sure you want this?"

You nodded desperately. "Please John, I need to feel you. Please."

He ran his cock through your folds before slowly pushing in, his body leaning over yours. You almost screamed at the way he was stretching your pussy.

"Fuck, baby, you're so tight," he hissed out. "When's the last time this pussy was touched by someone other than yourself?"

"Not since the day you left," you answered meekly. John's dick got even harder inside you.

"Yeah? This pussy is mine right baby?" he asked, bottoming out and stilling his hips.

"Mhm, all yours," you whined out, your body unable to stay still as he filled you.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking deep into your eyes. "Do you need a minute?"

"Mhm," you answered. "I'm okay. Are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay, baby," he answered as he stroked your hair lightly, making your heart swell.

"John?" you asked.

"Yeah?"

"Give it to me please," you whispered. "I need it please!"

"I got you, baby," he said, kissing your forehead.

John moved his hips keeping a slow but deep pace. Your legs wrapped around him, needing to feel him pressed against you as you kissed him. John normally had you screaming at the top of your lungs, but this was different. This felt different. Nothing more was needed but breathy moans into each other's mouths, John really only picking up the pace slightly.

"It feels so good, Johnny," you moaned breathlessly. "So fucking good."

"Yeah? Feels good baby, doesn't it?" he asked. You nodded, eyes rolling back. "This pussy was made for me."

"Mhm. So big," you babbled. "Fucks me so good."

"You're taking it so well," he praised softly. "You look so fucking beautiful when you take my cock like this. Like you were meant to be here with me."

Tears started to form in your eyes, making John still.

"Baby, don't cry," he said worriedly. He wiped away the tears that were falling. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'll stop if you want me to."

You shook your head. "No, don't stop. I've just wanted you to say those words to me. Please keep going."

"Are you sure? We don't have to keep going if you wanna stop," he said unsure.

"Johnny, please," you begged. "I want this. I want you. I don't want anything but you."

"Me too, baby," John replied as he moved his hips, keeping the same deep pace as before. "And I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it." He brought his hands to yours, pressing you into the bed as your fingers intertwined. "Do you hear me? I love you, Y/N. So. Fucking. Much," he said, thrusting as hard as he could to emphasize his words. "And I'm never fucking letting you go again."

"I love you too," you moaned. "I really do."

"I'm close," he said, rubbing your clit.

"Fuck, me too," you said.

"Cum with me, baby. That's it. Cum for me."

You back arched as you had the most intense orgasm of your life, squeezing John's hands as you let out a loud moan. John groaned at the feeling of your pussy clenching around him, triggering his own release. He came deep inside you, gently thrusting to get every last bit of his cum in you.

You both laid there panting for a moment staring into each others eyes, foreheads resting against one another.

"I think that's the hardest I ever came," he chuckled. "I don't think I've ever cum that much before."

"It felt really good," you admitted, "to be filled up like that."

"I love you, Y/N," he said again.

"I love you too, John."

John rolled off of you, getting up to grab a towel to clean you up. He gently ran it over your body, not wanting to hurt you. He cleaned himself before tossing the towel into the laundry and climbing back into bed.

"God, you're beautiful," he whispered to himself in awe of you.

"Will you stay?" you asked.

"Always," he replied.

John looked over at the clock to see it was past midnight.

"Merry Christmas, baby," he said. "Thank you for being the best present I could've ever had."

"Merry Christmas, Johnny. Thank you for coming home," you said, your eyes fluttering shut.

"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but with you."

John held you tight that night and every night after that. And you were glad you kept your faith in him. For John Stones was your Christmas miracle and that was all you needed.

Taglist: @thoseboysinblue @neverinadream @chilwellspulisic @lizzypotter14 @pulisicsgirl @lovelynikol16 @notsoattractivearenti @nyctophilic0vitnir @shadowscorch

[curio-queries]

I agree, I think the main character was always meant to be their relationship. I think when they were planning the show that must have been a discussion, because it would be self-evident once they were traveling together, same as it came out so strongly when they were in BV3 and walking around together. Obviously the jeju episodes were hijacked so to speak (but imo mostly served to show us the incredibly intimate bond Jikook share), but yes, the main character is that, it is meant to show us them, as they are. They said this too in their first intro.

I also think it was a way for JM to make up to JK for his busy period, and spend quality time being free to travel together. They obviously say that to open the show, so it is not a reach. But, it is more than that, I think he truly does care about JK and his happiness. He also says that a few times in jeju and in Sapporo so far, as long as JK is happy, that is what mattered, and I am like that in my relationship. It truly shows how much they both care for each other.

I love that in episode 6, all they really do is check into their hotel, eat snacks, go to a 7/11, eat more, talk, go to bed. Then JM is there calling JK into the bathroom to take a selfie because 'they made memories here'. it is so sweet, because really all I think he is referring to is them being together, enjoying the normal/mundane things. Then they go on to do more of that, walking the snowy streets to go find food, coffee and ride a train. Things a lot of us will take for granted, often complain about probably. I know they had a lot of staff to protect them/look out for their wellbeing, but we have. to remember they are used to that, and so for them, it is just being out and about on a normal day, doing normal things, together.

Hi anon,

I'd definitely be interested to learn a little more about the scope of AYS and how it developed. I've still been thinking about the idea of the relationships as the main character and how that could have developed throughout the production. It's been a while since I've watched Bon Voyage but I don't think the same could be said there. BV is absolutely modeled after typical travel shows where the journey/destination becomes the chief focus.

I do think there was space for the Jeju eps to open the focus to all three members' relationships and I do believe it was mostly successful. It's one of the reasons why all of the pool segments didn't feel repetitive, there was a different mixture of members each time: taekook, jikook, vminkook. Even though they recreated some of the same bits in each subsequent scene, they weren't cut our of the edit because it didn't feel like repeat moments due to the changing dynamics and thus fulfilling the goal of exploring the differing relationships.

On a complete sidenote, while we're sharing lovely bursts of joy from ep 6, let me share mine about the memories moments as well. I have a family history of memory loss-related illnesses so I've always been hyperaware of my own shortcomings with my memory and made my peace with the likelihood that I will have my own journey on that path as well. There was a phrase I heard years ago that has given me a lot of comfort: our character has still been influenced by those we love even if we lose the memories associated with them.

This episode spending so much time talking about making memories in such a sweet way just reminds me how much Jimin and Jungkook want to have eachother influence their character. They have so many extraordinary events in their lives and while they may not remember the exact day-to-day detail, they have absolutely helped shape the other's character. I just think it's especially lovely.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

so happy for you about the qpr!! that’s just wonderful news! wishing u all the best <3

Thankyou! I truly appreciate your sweet words. 

I want to use this as an opportunity to talk about how this non-traditional relationship came to be - mostly because I love talking about him, but also because I feel queerplatonic relationships need to be talked about more! 

So, what is a queerplatonic relationship? It isn’t really one specific type of relationship with a strictly defined set of rules or boundaries. It is an umbrella term for “non-romantic significant-other relationships”… so, emotionally intimate relationships that fall neither into the category of a “typical romantic relationship” nor into the category of a “typical platonic friendship”. This is not so much about behavior but about the feelings of the people involved. The way one queerplatonic relationship looks like  (activities, language, touch, future planning etc.) can be completely different from the next, it’s all about what works for you! 

The term “queerplatonic relationship” (or qpr) originated in the aromantic community, but you don’t need to be aromantic to be in one. 

I am not aromantic, Alex (name changed for privacy) is. When we met, I didn’t know that yet. We met online. Not on a dating app, we just found each other over shared interests, so romance wasn’t on my mind. We became online friends and found out we actually live close to each other. As time went on, I felt like there was a lot of chemistry and some mutual attempts of awkward flirting, so I decided to ask him on a date. And he said yes! 

We grew closer, my feelings for him grew and quite honestly, in the deep corners of my heart it was already a fact that we would become a couple. We didn’t call each other boyfriend yet but it was only a matter of making it official. Really just a matter of asking… and so it hit me like a brick when I scrolled through social media and saw him coming out as aromantic. 

I’ll admit that I didn’t handle it well. I felt blindsided by him not telling me directly and carried this feeling into our conversation about it which led to it not going well. I should’ve given him time to explain and given us space to figure out together what this means for us. If I did, I would’ve learned that it was a new realization for him as well and that he himself was not sure yet what it meant - but I didn’t. I jumped to assumptions and felt bitter about them. 

After fruitless discussions turned into a fight, we made the hard decision to stop talking. We were both heartbroken about it but it just seemed like a situation with no solution. He didn’t want a traditional romantic relationship, I didn’t want a traditional friendship. We did briefly talk about a queerplatonic relationship but we both couldn’t imagine how that’d work. Would that essentially just be a traditional relationship/friendship by a different name? 

For two weeks, I cried into my ice cream. Kept checking his social media secretly even though we mutually agreed to unfollow each other before the split. Went back on dating apps and went out on a virtual date with the first poor guy who said yes and hated every second of it. Texted Alex about it in some shitty attempt to make him jealous. Cried some more. Until I found a list in my notes that I had made months earlier, with all the things I like about him. 

This list made me think I can’t lose him like this - I’d rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all. I sent him the list and was relieved to learn that he missed me just as much. After some (much more mature) discussion, we agreed to just be platonic friends. 

One of the first “normal ” conversations we had after our split - normal meaning a topic that wasn’t related to attraction or identity or relationship status - was just us talking about a tv show he used to watch as a kid. This has become a fond memory of a realization that is hard to put in words: I’ve always been someone who wants clear definitions and labels. But there’s beauty in things being undefined as well. In that moment, we weren’t a specific label. We were just us. And us, our unique dynamic, is what I fell in love with - regardless of how we name it. 

So, we named it friends and that worked great. But one thing kept bothering me: With a friend, even a best friend, it’d be silently assumed that you may pursue other people romantically. You can have a best friend and a boyfriend, you’re not taken by your best friend. This wasn’t a matter of jealousy - Alex wasn’t interested in pursuing other people romantically anyway and I don’t mind that he has other close friends. This was about me, not him. I didn’t want this to be a situation where I’m assumed to potentially pursue others. I want to be taken because that’s how I feel. I’m not open to dating someone else, Alex is my significant other even when it’s not a traditional romantic relationship. 

I reached out to other aromantic people online and talked to them about these feelings. They encouraged me to talk to him about this and suggest an individually defined relationship to him - one that isn’t based in romance but has the level of commitment I feel. Communication is key, they said, you two can set your own rules. 

And that’s exactly what we did! I wrote him a letter and put these feelings to paper, and asked him if he wants to have an individually defined relationship with me, be my friend I’m in love with and am committed to, and he said yes! 

(We don’t usually use the term queerplatonic in our everyday conversations, I just use it as a practical umbrella term here - we like to keep it a undefined unique relationship status) 

[chuuyrr]

Hiii I really love your scarlet Witch series!!, can I request teen fushiguro scarlet witch reader and shinya meet twin black?, it’s up to you how they meet!!😁

twin red meets double black

jujutsu kaisen x reader x bungo stray dogs | series masterlist

✧˖ ° CW(s): f! reader, mostly bsd, might contain possible spoilers for both bsd and jjk, and said partner is my jjk oc.

✧˖ ° PAIRING(s): jujutsu kaisen, bungo stray dogs (platonic)

✧˖ ° SYNOPSIS: in which you, the adolescent, adopted child of gojo satoru, who also happens to be the scarlet witch, sees double black once more and they meet your partner.

✧˖ ° SETTING: in a world where curses and jujutsu sorcerers meet gifted ability users given your ability as a scarlet witch! variant who's capable of traveling across the multiverse.

time works in a unique way across the multiverse, and it's been a long while since dazai osamu, your dazai-nii, had seen you.

your visits to their world of gifted mafiosos and detectives have decreased, and he can't help but wonder you had forgotten about him. that being said, dazai has to remind himself that you constantly grow and that you have a life of your own, and the previous visit consisted of you telling him that he was starting high school.

you didn't belong in their world. you belonged from a cursed land full of jujutsu sorcerers, but that was until you came around for what seemed like forever.

dazai couldn't be more happier to see the familiar red psionics you possessed rip through the seams of their reality, even if he and chuuya just had dealt with something that needed their partnership again.

"[name]-chan!" cried out dazai with a happy smile, approaching the red psionics only to realize.. something very different about you.

you were more taller than you were during your last visit. you were also no longer wearing your highschool uniform, but instead a scarlet uniform, one that consisted of a cropped asymmetrical leather red jacket, a black blouse as your inner with black wristers and boots.

you even had accessories of rings and necklaces. seeing you somehow reminded dazai of how chuuya looked like he was when he was fifteen—lots of red, black, and leather.

as you entered to their seams of reality, dazai and chuuya stared at you, almost in disbelief.

"dazai-nii-san! chuuya-nii-san! it's been a long while," you greeted them with a polite and warm smile, running up to them to give them friendly, warm hugs, to which you noted was a little tight, especially when dazai hugged you.

"yes, it has, [name]-chan~ you're taller now! at this rate you're going to be taller than chuuya," dazai immediately changed his facade as he smiled down at you and gave you a headpat.

"shut up, mackerel!" scoffed chuuya at dazai before he smiled down at you, "anyway, i see you've also changed your style kid. not bad. have you been doing well?"

"i'm doing just fine. i actually stopped going to high school," you explained to them as you pulled away from them and walked towards your partner whom they were feeling protective towards you of, "and i have decided to follow the footsteps of my dad and older brother. i am also a special grade jujutsu sorcerer now."

"is that so? my, my, you've truly grown up, [name]-chan! say, what are you doing here?" dazai asked, looking at you with a smile.

"oh, well, nothing really. i just wanted to visit you guys again since i haven't been able and shinya wanted to see for himself where have i been disappearing off to," you explained with a soft chuckle escaping your lips, "i have just finished a mission too."

"a special grade curse? special grade? then that means you've reached your old man's level.." chuuya repeated before his eyes widened.

"i'm not a child anymore, chuuya-nii-san," you stated, still smiling.

"waaaah! our [name]-chan is no longer a baby, chuuya! just look at her!" dazai cried out, dramatically flinging his arms around you, which greatly reminded you of your dad when you were about to go on your first assignment.

however, your reunion with your older brother figures was cut off short when you felt a disturbance in the air.

dazai immediately released you from his hold when he felt you tense up while chuuya gave you an odd look. you immediately put up a red force-field using your chaos magic, just in time the ground trembled and large branches and vines sprouted to attack the three of you.

"what the fuck?!" chuuya yelled out in surprise.

"a special grade curse, made it here? it must have followed me in secret when i came here," you murmured softly, narrowing your eyes.

as you dispersed the red force-field made out of psionics, you gasped sharply when another large vine aimed towards you at breakneck speed, sending you flying past dazai and chuuya who yelled at you in concern.

the former twin black looked at their surroundings to see more of those large branches and vines spreading throughout the city and causing chaos as the ground trembled. chuuya scoffed at the sight and pulled out his phone, which was ringing, only to hear about the situation.

"whatever this curse is. it's taking over the city," chuuya exclaimed to dazai as he gripped his phone.

"[name]-chan!" dazai called for you in the midst of debris and smoke.

and just as he and chuuya were about to approach you, you had flown out of the building you were sent flying to unharmed and immediately began to throwing hexes at the large vines and branches that were onto you.

"i've got this, dazai-nii-san, chuuya-nii-san!" you said, but the flurry of large vines and branches was too much that it was quite overwhelming.

"fuck it, i'm calling for back up. [name] can't do this alone," chuuya dials and puts his phone to his ear again.

dazai had also done the same. but then just as he and his former twin black partner did, they felt their hearts drop when you got hit hard in mid-air by a large vine and branch that threw you off.

and now, dazai, chuuya, and the rest of the armed detective agency and port mafia were stunned as a flash of red stormed towards your falling figure.

everyone screamed for you in concern, thinking that the special grade curse that had escaped into their world attacked you.

but as the smoke cleared out, they realized the debris and smoke were glowing red, and there you were—there was a silhouette carrying your figure bridal style.

"it's.. gravity control.." chuuya muttered in realization.

standing there in the middle of the crater was a tall man with a lean build. he has long, dark messy hair that is usually tied in a half-up, half-do hairstyle, gray eyes, and a mole just below his lips.

he wore nearly the same uniform as okkotsu yuuta, but instead of a white asymmetrical jacket, he has a white button up, and has an oversized dark-blue jacket hanging over his shoulders.

you looked up at the figure carrying you, your eyes widening in awe as you clutched your injured side, "shinya?"

he stared down at you for a second, blinking quietly before a nerve comically protruded on his temple as he growled, "who else would i be?!"

with that, shinya lifted a hand and quickly flicked your forehead, causing you to yelp and thrash in his hold as he gave you a scolding, "just what the hell were you doing, huh? disappearing off like that without a trace, i literally thought you died!"

"ow! that hurts you, jerk!" you then proceeded to yank his hair with your free hand as he pushed your forehead to retaliate against your action while he carried you bridal-style, "i'm sorry, ok?! and i'm trying to patch myself up!"

"sorry?! i was worried sick, idiot! how the hell was i supposed to face gojo-sensei knowing that i lost sight of his kid!"

"i know that, but it's not my fault! my chaos magic just suddenly yeeted me out of our world and brought me here!"

"oh, i don't know.. maybe you could have at least called your partner about you getting yeeted into another universe?!"

everyone watched wordlessly as you bickered with the person they now knew as shinya.

atsushi's eyes widened at the realization, "this is [name]-chan's partner?!"

dazai found himself glancing at chuuya who was as visibly stunned as him. this scene of you and shinya together reminded them of two people they knew all too well, and they were speechless.

it was like seeing their younger selves again, back in the mafia wherein they were still known as twin black.

you two proceeded to argue, blatantly ignoring the armed detective agency and port mafia that was staring at you and shinya, and merely stopped when enormous branches and vines sprouted from the ground and aimed towards you two.

"[NAME]!!" atsushi, dazai, and the others cried out for you in concern.

shinya leapt in the air, still carrying you, dodging the attack as you extended your hand, shooting down the branches with your red psionics.

shinya's feet planted hard back on the ground, creating a crater, as your multiple hex blasts disintegrated the branches and vines and you simultaneously stitched yourself up at a molecular level.

you got off shinya's arms and stood back on your feet, smirking a bit as you grasped his shoulder, "you have my thanks for that, shin."

"ever the egoist like your old man," shinya playfully scoffed at you, patting your hand that was gripping his shoulder, "but what can i say? the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree."

dazai looked at shinya expectantly, knowing who he was referring to. gojo satoru.

you both returned your gazes towards the special grade curse who evidently agitated and surprised all the same, clearly not expecting shinya to have come here as well.

the gifted ability users of both detectives and mafiosos felt as if they were seeing two respective pairs when you twisted your hand ever so gently, conjuring a ball of red psionics while your partner snapped his fingers, making himself glow red as you both began to approach the special grade curse.

partners. that was what you two were.

just like how dazai and chuuya were, how atsushi and akutagawa were, and even how fukuzawa and mori once were together in their prime time.

"speaking of trees, let’s take care of this walking tree ourselves."

in a blink of an eye as soon as the special grade curse made its move, you and shinya enacted quickly, disappearing in a snap at blinding speed that caused shinya's oversized jacket to fall from his shoulders.

you made a straightforward dash, using your red psionics to hoist and levitate yourself in a blink of an eye while shinya made his own gravity incredibly light for him to move at blinding speed with his feet still on the ground unlike you.

the special grade curse evaded your red psionics and extended both of its hands sidewards as you and shinya both attacked from its sides.

you and shinya glowed a menacing red color. you used your red psionics to conjure and bring forth an abnormally large blast of red while shinya picked up an enormous piece of debris from the ground and hurled it towards the curse.

it was a massive rain of chaos and destruction from that. the collision resulting from both attacks caused shockwaves and an immense turbulence of air.

everyone was awestruck by the immense red psionic energy that scattered throughout the atmosphere, filling the entire area.

majority of them even had to hold onto something or stagger or else they would have flown back the intensity.

the special grade curse was unfazed by both attacks and proceeded to retaliate, sending in more enormous vines and branches towards you.

you and shinya supported each other with shinya skillfully performing sharp turns and flips while you made use of your red psionics to disappear and reappear, moving in a fast forward motion to evade, but then the special grade curse decided to take it closer.

both of you were caught off guard as a branch sprouted to his side and a scythe made out of wood formed on his hand with the curse being quick to sweep it towards you both.

using your red psionics further, you engaged the curse into a close hand to hand combat, something that dazai and everyone else had never seen you do before, given how as a child or toddler they were familiar with, you were solely relying on taking aims and shots.

they were quickly reminded that right now, you were no longer the child they were familiar with. you were now a special grade sorcerer, a seasoned fighter—most importantly, a grown up who had someone now.

yet, the thought of you having.. a partner, still irks dazai and chuuya, and it was the paternal guardian or older brother instinct they have for you.

you blocked out each swing and brandish of the scythe in a skillful defensive tactic with your red psionics. on the other hand, shinya attacked offensively, particularly at the curse's openings and weak spots while kicking and destroying each branch and vine intended for you both.

your eyes widened for a brief moment just as the blade of the scythe met your face, but shinya activated his technique quickly to pull you to him to prevent you from getting hurt,

"cursed technique adhesion!" was what he yelled, a weaker version of the force from both negative cursed energy was employed to pull you away.

as you were pulled back to him for your safety, shinya darted towards the curse, taking the lead to attack it this time, but you quickly followed him.

with his arm outstretched to his side, he employed another of his cursed techniques, "cursed technique black hole!"

a black hole formed as he snapped his fingers with his index and middle fingers extending. shinya hurled it towards the curse as you leapt and made use of his still outstretched arm to the side as a boost up to attack the curse together with him.

just as the curse was about to fend itself against the black hole made out of positive and negative energy with its own raw immense cursed energy, the black hole had altered into you instead—you had warped reality, changing it from you to attacking it instead of the black hole.

you blitzed towards the curse at blinding speed with your open hands brimming with red psionics.

you successfully stabbed through the curse, but before it could take a hold of you and retaliate, you had disappeared into a red mist of psionic energy, and the next thing the curse knew, the extension technique of shinya had reappeared and it attacked it in a blink of an eye as you warped reality once more.

the black destroyed everything in its path, but the special grade curse withstood, narrowly avoiding it.

"so this is the power of chaos magic. [name]'s warping reality right before our eyes," said fukuzawa with acknowledgement, his eyes widening slightly.

"and [name]-chan uses it in sync with shinya-kun's ability that is quite similar to chuuya's very well. their partnership, it's no doubt based on trust and instinct," mori said in addition, smiling and unfazed by the immense and monstrosity of your power and shinya's cursed technique combined, "and it is burning intensely red with passion and power—just like rubies you could say."

you and shinya knew each other and it was very evident with the way the two of you covered up for each other's weaknesses and fought.

you two didn't even have to utter a single word. everyone watched intently as you and your partner attacked the special grade curse.

it was just a straight up massacre at this point.

you and shinya were on a whole nother level compared to this special grade curse, and as it realized it, it decided to change its tactic.

"shit!" chuuya’s eyes widened as the special grade curse disappeared from you and your partner and reappeared towards them, choosing to attack them instead.

fukuzawa and mori equipped their respective blades as akutagawa and kyouka brought out rashomon and demon snow.

the curse summoned an enormous wooden creature that was shaped into a dragon hybrid of sorts and sent an array of branches in their way, filling the entire landscape.

shinya immediately reacted, activating his solemnity technique to move at blinding speed and appear in front of the armed detective agency and port mafia, "cursed technique reversal cohesion!"

with that he activated another cursed technique of his while you used your red psionics to generate a force-field around all of them, preventing them from getting harmed by the extremely powerful repulsive force that repelled all matter in its vicinity.

it repelled the wooden creature and branches filling the entire landscape as if it was nothing. smoke emerged from the intensity of the force and collision, but as smoke cleared out, the special grade curse decided to attack again in a close hand-to-hand range of combat.

both you and shinya attacked at the same time, making use of your red psionics and gravitational control technique respectively.

you shot multiple hexes while throwing hits and jabs as shinya maneuvered with missile-like kicks simultaneously assisting you and attacking the curse with chains made from gravitons, another one of his cursed techniques.

you made sure to block each and every of the curse’s attempts to land a hit on any of the armed detective agency and port mafia members.

however, your aim kept missing even as you made use of shinya's graviton chains to boost yourself.

every blast of red wasn’t hitting the special grade curse as it swung its scythe and attacked you both. you even got cut and wounded by the blade of the scythe.

"hey, don’t you think the kid’s aim is off?” chuuya exclaimed to dazai, his fists trembling slightly in a worry as he watched your red psionics miss the special grade curse.

"yeah, i can see that," dazai said with furrowed brows, "[name]-chan might be getting tired…"

ranpo scoffed at dazai and chuuya's exchange as he watched you and shinya swept the floor with the curse with hexes and featherlight chains.

a part of him wanted to tell them how stupid they were to think of that, especially dazai.

but ranpo simply decided to keep quiet and a smirk slowly rose on his lips as you disappeared into the red mist you casted along with shinya, leaving the special grade curse baffled for a moment but as soon as the red mist dissipated, the same chains had attacked from the ground, sprouting as it pierced through the curse’s torso, impaling it.

everyone was stunned.

the two of you had impaled the curse with the chains. you and shinya reappeared back, but then the special grade curse held a sinister smile as it spoke in an eerie and croaked tone of voice.

"domain expansion: world of trees."

just like that, both of your eyes widened, in fact, everyone was taken aback by the dense growth of trees and it was so immense enough to split the earth as they sprouted from the ground, a barrier forming and trapping all of you inside along with a large number of gigantic wooden hands that erupt upward from beneath the ground, encircling to prevent anyone from escaping.

"w-what is this?!" atsushi cried out, his eyes widening with worry and fear.

you wiped the blood rolling down from the cut on your temple and huffed a small puff of air, "this is a domain expansion.. an advanced barrier technique of jujutsu sorcerers from our world, and it’s a guaranteed hit once a target is trapped in."

"this is the end for you.." the special grade curse declared, laughing maniacally as it pointed the blade of its wooden scythe towards you and everyone. a mad look visible across its monstrous features.

you scoffed, nearly stumbling as you clutched your bleeding arm, prompting shinya to hold you to him to support you while dazai and chuuya, along with atsushi and the others crept towards you.

"[name]-chan!" dazai exclaimed, looking at you with worrisome eyes.

you were now taking in staggered breaths. dazai was right. you were getting exhausted. you may not have any major casualties from the hand-to-hand combat you had with the curse together with shinya and only sustained bearable cuts and bruises, but all those usage of red psionics was draining, he could tell.

"are you alright, kid? you're hurt pretty badly.." chuuya exclaimed, eyeing the exposed wounds you had on you from the fight earlier.

"i'm fine.." you said to chuuya, breathing heavily as you twitched your fingers to stitch yourself along with your partner shinya who was pretty battered up just as you, "we're fine."

"but you said this is a domain expansion.. a technique with a guaranteed hit, [name]-chan," atsushi proclaimed in a worry

"what [name] said is true, but another thing about domain expansion is.." said shinya, "it can be countered by a more refined domain."

the special grade curse swept its scythe to control the entire landscape of trees and giant hands from wood, but to its surprise, it merely remained motionless.

the curse tried again, but it refused to move and kill all of you once and for all at his command, leaving everyone confused.

"if it's the finest domain of all, it is [name]'s hex."

with a smirk creeping on your face, your eyes glowed a menacing red color as you opened them.

shinya glowed red, both his body and eyes as he, too, smirked, the two of you now emitting an ominous aura, holding a frightening look in your eyes.

the branches and hands lunged towards the curse instead, restraining it and piercing him instead.

with the flick of your hand, the domain expansion of wood and such dissolved as the reddish-black fog of your chaos magic seeped through your fingertips once more, revealing a desolate wasteland with lifeless trees and scarlet skies.

in just a blink of an eye, everything down to the molecular level had been altered, and with that, the curse looked at you and shinya with a stunned look.

"wondering how i did it?" you asked, your tone of voice becoming more and more dangerous and siren-like. it was like, hearing an entirely different you, "i can get into people’s heads you know and for another, i have no cursed technique. i manipulate reality however i want."

before the curse could react, your body had started glowing red along with shinya's.

everyone watched as shinya performed a hand sign and clasped his hands together with both index and middle fingers of his hands raised about his chest level, and then he pointed three of his fingers as his thumb held over his ring finger of his other hand towards the curse.

"domain expansion: fearsome order."

at that instant, a dark zone spread and engulfed the warped reality of a red barren hellish landscape.

it was nearly black within the area with red glowing chains of gravitons now surrounding the entire place. the immense and ominous pressure in the atmosphere was unbearable, incredibly overwhelming.

was this.. bloodlust they were feeling? dread?

everyone's bodies were screaming at them to run, but they couldn't. all they could do was watch this hell unfold.

even dazai couldn't believe what he was seeing. this current state you were in together with your partner, the aura you were giving off, it was black in blood.

without another word, the curse attempted to attack, swinging its wooden scythe in hopes to break through the domain expansion and seize you or shinya, but with shinya having control over the gravitational field of the entire area, he merely pointed at the curse his fingers before bringing his fingers in a downward motion, the body of curse was forced to slam to the ground and create a crater from the impact.

shinya then lifted his fingers upwards, prompting the curse to get lifted up in the air.

a sinister smile crept on his face along with yours as you outstretched your hand next, your eyes glowing a menacing red as you manipulated the curse's body to dislocate and crack, causing it to shrivel in pain.

shinya then snapped his fingers and made the chains of gravitons seize the curse and constrict it, wrapping around its neck, limbs and torso in a strickening way.

shinya glanced at you for a brief moment, the danger and hubris of a smile never leaving his face.

the stare and smile that he gave you was enough to tell you the message.

"you're gonna make me say it?" you glanced back at him, raising a brow as you returned the smile.

"you always say it anyway whenever we do this together," shinya chuckled at you, shaking his head.

"well, you're not wrong, shin," you said as you shook your head for a moment, before facing the curse along with shinya and pointed your fingers towards the curse, imitating shinya's hand that was outstretched and pointed at the curse with your thumb over your ring finger.

at the tilt of your head, you uttered the word along with shinya, smirking darkly, "bang!"

that being said, the fruition of your partner's domain expansion came to be. the dark zone created an attractive and repulsive force, combining his adhesion and cohesion technique, and just like that, the target was annihilated by the intense combined force.

an immense damage was inflicted in the desolate wasteland of dead trees and bloody-red skies that the armed detective agency and port mafia had to brace themselves from the tremors that resulted.

once the curse was no more, shinya's domain expansion had dissipated and reality warped back down to a molecular level under your power.

everyone watched in awe as the red hellish landscape dispersed, the surroundings now turning back into the lovely streets of their beloved city, yokohama.

"what.. the fuck.. was that?" chuuya was the first one to utter a word, breaking the silence.

"that.. really was something else.." atsushi exclaimed breathlessly, his eyes not breaking away from you and shinya.

one thing was evident to these gifted detectives and mafias with what they just witnessed before their eyes, especially to mori who had seen such a violent raging storm like this before.

partners. that was what you two truly were.

and dazai could see that clearly. in fact, that was what he had been working on to achieve in creating a new generation of double black, specifically with atsushi and akutagawa.

both dazai and chuuya found themselves staring at you and shinya, as the two of you glanced at each other with a proud and knowing look despite being somewhat battered from the fight against the special grade curse.

however, dazai and chuuya immediately stiffen up in unison when they saw your partner draping an arm around your shoulders.

"hatsuki shinya, was it?"

you wanted to cringe at the way dazai and chuuya were eyeing your partner from head to toe, scrunitizing him completely while dazai held you to his side closely—he really was a copy of your adoptive father, gojo satoru, even when it came to his protectiveness.

your partner simply raised a brow at dazai, then at chuuya, unfazed by their hard stares.

dazai's face shifted into a look of disgust as he faked a vomit and pulled you closer to his side, "your partner looks like a mirror copy of hat rack, [name]-chan, and it's disgusting."

at that instant, both gravity manipulation users snapped their heads towards him and scowled,

"EXCUSE ME?!"

dazai shook his head and continued to hold you close to him, "see what i mean, [name]-chan? how could this be? have i rubbed my influences on you that much you got a 'chuuya-copy' as your partner?!"

"dazai-nii-san," your sweat began to drop as you watched dazai and chuuya bicker along with shinya, which made you sigh in defeat.

you could already tell that having them meet your partner would not end well.

✧˖ ° niki says ! ༉‧₊˚.

guess who finally had the time to write for scarlet witch! baby fushiguro! reader after for what seemed like eternity? i found this sitting in my draft and found out i had a whole ass fight scene written in this piece so i polished it real quick while i have spare time so yeah. thanks for reading !

✧˖ ° join my taglist, perhaps ? ༉‧₊˚.

@anonymousewrites @magpiemissy @anqelically @96jnie @lovesick-fairy @soleelia @irethepotato @nianre @xingqiusliegee @lenasvoid @bloobewy @itz-stuts @17chuuya @achlysyo @youdidntseemehere21 @just-here-reading

[somewhere-at-the-burrow]

hii!!! i hope your move into your college dorms went well ☺️

im so happy i found your blog, its amazing! i am an aspiring shifter, i’m shifting to a hogwarts-related DR with the main desire to fall in love with my s/o (i love love haha) but also to just be at hogwarts, have fun, have adventures, three work at the ministry, etc - so i would like to permashift!

i adore your aesthetic and everythingg, im learning so much and just reading your posts make me super happy! you inspired me to create a blog too. hopefully i’ll have experiences that i can share soon

and we’re almost the same myers-briggs type - i am an infj 🩵

i have a few questions, i hope they’re not too much ~ 

do you have a waiting room, and if not, if you were to have one, what do you think it would look like

2. did you script others’ names for random  students at Hogwarts (like did you script that italian guy coming to Hogwarts, or did you just script that your DR plays out with interesting scenarios and drama scenarios and that is how it played out?) i feel like i remember you said you didn’t script stuff like that, i’m still reading through all of your posts so i’m so sorry if you already mentioned this!

3. did you age up to 15 years old for fourth year? did you keep the same 7 year format for hogwarts?

4. do you have another dr that follows the main harry potter x voldemort plot?

5. is there a muggle washing machine equivalent in the wizarding world? is there a laundry room where you bring all your dirty clothes in to be washed? who washes them, the house elves, or is there a way for students to do it on their own and they pick it up when it’s clean and dry? does that mean your clothes have to be labeled with your name? i feel like i remember in the sorcerer’s stone that they got crabbe and goyle’s uniforms with their names on it from the laundry or something!  

6. do students wear muggle clothing after school or on the weekends? the prisoner of azkaban was such an aesthetic because of the jeans and 90’s style clothing everyone wore after school but i would think everyone mostly wore their uniforms, even after classes are done for the day, like in the books, but i’m not sure!

7. can you only go to hogsmeade on the weekends? like if you need a quill or book for school and it’s not a hogsmeade weekend yet, would you have to get an order form and send it by owl to a shop and send over the galleons by mail and your order is delivered to you by magical mail? 

8. so sorry if this is a little tmi, no need to answer if it’s uncomfortable! but as a girl, i’ve always wondered how do girls deal with their cycle while at hogwarts? is there a magical cloth pad that absorbs everything without needing to change it?

9. did you script in that there would be magazines like Seeker Weekly that you and Ginny read? i’m so excited to be a Quibbler magazine subscriber 

10. did you have to study the layout and appearance of hogwarts, common rooms, the burrow, hogsmeade, diagon alley, knockturn alley, the hogwarts express, etc. before you shifted? a big part of my problem is that i feel like i need to script in everythinggg detail by detail because i suppose i don’t believe that everything will just play out (im a perfectionist and my anxiety is not making it easy 😭)

11. does news from the muggle world get into the wizarding world, or does it feel like the two worlds are truly separate/does it feel like you’re in a lovely bubble in the wizarding world? 

i’m so sorry for all the questions!!

thank you!!! 🥹 🩵🩵🩵

you're so sweet! also, thank you so much angel!! i'm so glad my blog can be of help to you... and your blog is looking awesome already .. i'll def be sticking around to see how it goes <3

𝖆𝖓𝖘𝖜𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖒𝖔𝖗𝖊 𝖖𝖚𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 !

{ about my Hogwarts reality }

do you have a waiting room, and if not, if you were to have one, what do you think it would look like

waaaay back in the beginning of my shifting journey, I envisioned having a waiting room that was similar to Newt Scamander's case! I created many layout sketches for it and thought about it all the time, but I've never actually shifted there yet. I also thought about having this magic suitcase include a ladder that leads to a wizarding world reality, but I didn't have one at the time so it just didn't work out. I think the idea is very fun, though! just imagine having the coziest little workshop with bowtruckles and vivarium environments to visit... it sounds so relaxing. in my version, I also envisioned a magical greenhouse with colorful tiles, a kitchen to bake whatever I want, and pathways that lead all over the workshop / vivariums!

2. did you script others’ names for random  students at Hogwarts (like did you script that italian guy coming to Hogwarts, or did you just script that your DR plays out with interesting scenarios and drama scenarios and that is how it played out?)

I personally didn't script anything about how school would work in terms of people there / drama. that is just how it turned out, I guess! I think if you really wanted to, you could script the possibility for drama or different scenarios, but I wanted to see how Hogwarts social circles would play out if I didn't really script anything! and BOY IS IT CRAZY. sometimes I get so caught up in the daily events in my personal schedule, I forget that there is drama happening 24/7 with people that don't exist ANYWHERE in canon. something that was also interesting is the fact that most of my best friends do not exist in canon. I was fully expecting to only be friends with the "main characters", but shifting is real life and you can really have no idea how things like that will play out!

3. did you age up to 15 years old for fourth year? did you keep the same 7 year format for hogwarts?

the 7 year format is the same at my Hogwarts, except we start our first year when we are 15 years old! so, I guess you could say it is kind of like a university / Hogwarts mix? I knew that I wanted to shift into the chamber of secrets timeline, and because I am in the same year as George and Fred, I did the math for how I could interpret my current age into entering my fourth year at Hogwarts. so everyone is aged up!

4. do you have another dr that follows the main harry potter x voldemort plot?

I thought about it once, but when I actually started shifting to my weasley reality, I realized that I didn't want to go through the stress of crazy (and most times traumatic) plot lines. although the harry potter canon events can be pretty interesting sometimes, actually being there and starting my class schedule gave me a bit of an existential crisis and I don't want to deal with that AND umbridge (for example!)

5. is there a muggle washing machine equivalent in the wizarding world? is there a laundry room where you bring all your dirty clothes in to be washed? who washes them, the house elves, or is there a way for students to do it on their own and they pick it up when it’s clean and dry? does that mean your clothes have to be labeled with your name?

this is such a cool question, and I was definitely very curious about this as well before I shifted! at my Hogwarts, there are multiple different ways you can get your laundry done (depending on how fast you need it cleaned etc). the most common option is through the dorm laundry basket, which is usually in the bathroom and is magically collected every evening. there is a laundry room near the Kitchens, and there are staff (wizards and house elves) that use cleaning spells to wash through the laundry baskets they collect! they then fold the clothes and the hamper re-appears in our dorms usually by the next evening. there is also a second option for students who may only have one uniform to cycle through, and that is usually through walking down to the laundry room (typically during the free hours before dinner) and washing it yourself. because the laundry staff have so many clothes to get through, this is the fastest because laundry and drying spells do not take hardly any time in the wizarding world and sometimes working at your own pace is best. IT IS AMAZING!! and yes! you can also pick up your clothes from the wash room if you so choose, but it is so much easier to just use the dorm laundry basket IT MAKES ME SO LAZY FR

6. do students wear muggle clothing after school or on the weekends? the prisoner of azkaban was such an aesthetic because of the jeans and 90’s style clothing everyone wore after school but i would think everyone mostly wore their uniforms, even after classes are done for the day, like in the books, but i’m not sure!

Hogwarts uniforms are only necessary during official school hours, so from 8/9am -- 4:30pm. also, fridays depend on the student's schedule, because sometimes professors will schedule classes on friday but they are usually a study day! the general rule is to put on your uniform if you are visiting a study hall (library, great hall resource hour, selkie commons, etc), and you can take off your uniform and change into regular clothes after school is done or on the weekends. it is pretty common to see an array of students at dinner both wearing their uniforms AND wearing everyday clothes. on the weekends, you will rarely ever see a uniform unless there is a school sanctioned trip or a class that may be meeting for an exam or something! ALSO YES THE 90s STYLE CLOTHING IS AMAZING

7. can you only go to hogsmeade on the weekends? like if you need a quill or book for school and it’s not a hogsmeade weekend yet, would you have to get an order form and send it by owl to a shop and send over the galleons by mail and your order is delivered to you by magical mail? 

something I like about my Hogwarts reality is how Hogsmeade can be visited every day if you would like to go! sometimes it can be very impractical, though, because school/clubs can get out pretty late and it is another 20-30 minute walk to the village, but many older students tend to socialize or get something to eat later in the evening. it all depends! usually that type of stuff is reserved for the weekends, though. school is very busy, but usually everyone plans their work so they can spend one day during the weekend at Hogsmeade!

8. so sorry if this is a little tmi, no need to answer if it’s uncomfortable! but as a girl, i’ve always wondered how do girls deal with their cycle while at hogwarts? is there a magical cloth pad that absorbs everything without needing to change it?

no worries! there are so so many products that are advertised in the wizarding world, but most people just stick to muggle methods because plain and simple.. the cycle sucks and we do what we've gotta do! the dorm supply closet is always supplied with necessary things, and there are also potions that can be given to you in the Hospital Wing for cramps and stomach aches.

9. did you script in that there would be magazines like Seeker Weekly that you and Ginny read? i’m so excited to be a Quibbler magazine subscriber 

I've always wanted to get my hands on a Seeker Weekly magazine, especially when I saw them for the first time in goblet of fire. so, I guess it was just my desires to read crazy wizarding magazines that solidified them in my weasley reality!! there are truly so many different forms of media to consume--- from books to radio channels to magazines. i'd definitely keep that in mind to explore when you shift!

10. did you have to study the layout and appearance of hogwarts, common rooms, the burrow, hogsmeade, diagon alley, knockturn alley, the hogwarts express, etc. before you shifted? a big part of my problem is that i feel like i need to script in everythinggg detail by detail because i suppose i don’t believe that everything will just play out

I definitely have an advantage because I was that kid in high school who was making maps of Hogwarts and stuff like that! but I definitely didn't plan out the entire school and know my whole way around before I shifted. when I try and shift (especially to a new place), I sometimes create a small pinterest board and then I focus on the place I am going to wake up. I have found that that helps me not get so overwhelmed about everything! I didn't know my way around the burrow AT ALL before shifting this summer, but I watched a small video on it and tried to shift imagining what my bedroom would look like. the rest just came with memory when I shifted! you absolutely do not need to script every single detail with your DR.. I personally think that takes out the wonder of shifting and the fact that it is real life to be explored :)

[the-words-we-sung]

Thoughts and pictures - S3E1

So after digesting my first watch a little bit, I'm starting my rewatch of this season and I'll share a few thoughts and reactions (and screenshots) because I can't keep it all to myself 😱

I was happy that we dived directly into the (sort of) trial and confrontation between Wilhelm, Simon and August. I do wonder how much time passed between the speech and this scene though. It sets the tone for the entire season for Wilhelm: he's gonna be alone, with no support whatsoever from his parents. He enters the room alone, his parents arrive after him and his mother doesn't even look at him... Simon arrives with his mother and August with his stepdad. But Wilhelm has to deal with the situation alone (aka how to get incredibly mad at Kristina barely 5min into the season 😤)

Simon looks so pretty and so sad. (And how did Omar manage to look even younger this season??) He wants to be done with this whole thing. Also I checked but 1.2 millions kronor is not as much as I thought it would be (it's apparently around 107 000€, which is not bad, but I was expecting more)

I see what you did there Simon 😏 (Can someone gif this scene and put it in parallel with Wilhelm seeing Simon's room for the first time and saying "cozy" in season 1? :p)

The boys coming back to the meeting: very smooth. Nobody knows what you were doing. Nop. Not at all. (We can see Linda kinda smirking when Simon sits back whereas Kristina looks like she just ate a very sour lemon). Wilhelm arranging his hair and Simon smiling at him: they might be in the middle of an important meeting and at the Palace but they're still 2 teenage boys in love (and I love them for that 💜)

Rickard looked and sounded like such an idiot in the previous seasons that I didn't expect him to actually be competent! But I guess we were mostly seeing him through August's eyes... I know Rickard said he was the best lawyer in the country but I have to admit that I thought he was just bragging ^^' Also: August is such an asshole. Did he really need to rile up Wilhelm like that? He's got quite the confidence to attack him and tell him how he just fuck things up on his own, in front of everyone like that, including the queen. Who, again, is not defending her son!! She tells them to shut up but she says nothing to August for talking like that to her son 😠

(They look like they've been called to the principal office). Kristina doesn't look at them immediately, she looks at Erik's picture on her desk first. Then she looks at August. And then finally at Wilhelm. She is so awful to him this season... Right from the start. And then she breaks down crying for Erik.

While Wilhelm holds her. I wasn't expecting to see her grieve so much this season. We didn't see that at all in season 2. Is it because she repressed all of her emotions too much? I hate that she breaks down like that just after Wilhelm publicly coming out. How can she not be there for him. I get that it must be hard to lose a son, but she still has a very alive one, who needs her.

Kristina is not getting redeemed in this season but Linda kinda is! I was super happy to see her get in mama bear's mode at the trial ^^ It was about time!! But here: I'm sorry Linda but it's not your son's role to keep you updated about what's going on in your house! You're the mother! Stop putting everything on this kid's shoulders!! Maybe he never tells you but do you ever ask??

Simon being truly angry at Sara is so good. I am so happy so he's able to feel that way and to not feel like he has to repress it, to forgive her, to help her. She did something truly bad and he's allowed to be mad. Also look at his angry lil' face 💜

In things that made me laugh: Wilhelm's reaction and face to learning that Simon is grounded all semester xD He was talking all smoothly/flirty and then his tone changes so dramatically when he realizes he won't be able to get his boyfriend in his bed very soon! Horny boy is horny (and frustrated :p)

This faaaaaace ☹

I'm happy to see that Simon still has Ayub and Rosh here to support him. I wish they would have told him that replying to comments online was a bad idea though. You know the saying kids: don't feed the trolls!!

Wilhelm looks like such a normal teenager when he gets back to his room. First time we see him so carefree. It breaks my heart to know that on the other side Simon is so unwell already.

Wilhelm waking up happy and smiling. And being just a teenager (for the first time in a very long time): thinking about his boyfriend, redrawing the heart on his hand. It's such teenager things!! My boy just wants to have a normal life... (And then he's immediately reminded that he's actually not just a regular teenager with Farima's text).

Simon's worried face when he asks about Wilhelm's initiation. You can see he's truly horrified at the idea that he might have gone through what's been described in the article.

And then it starts: the piling up of everything on Wilhelm's shoulders. First his mother looking really unwell and breaking down (even though she hasn't been said to be officially ill yet), and now the negative impact of his speech on the school... Which Vincent takes great pleasure in reminding him about.

This first episode is really good at setting things in motion. We see already the beginning of what's gonna go down during this season: Simon not feeling well, dealing with online hatred, struggling with his new place next to Wilhelm in the spotlight. And Wilhelm trying to finally live a carefree life at school with his boyfriend now that he's officially out but slowly getting crushed under the pressure of his role as Crown Prince and the increasingly obvious lack of support from his parents.

[richonnelvr218]

What Makes Richonne Special

Throughout the day, mostly when things calm down at work or out of the blue at home, Richonne will come to my mind.  I might see an apple or the weather reporter might say East, and I will smile and my heart will swell, and I will feel happy.  Richonne make me happy. Why do I react to them in this way?  Why are they so special?  I have many couples that I love to pieces, but none like Richonne.  I don’t think of my other couples out the blue.  The other couples are not a daily part of my life, but my Richonne are always with me.  I watch Richonne scenes every single day.  I have not stopped watching The Ones Who Live since the first episode aired.  I am a true blue down in the deep Richonne fan, and I knew they were special from the moment they met at the fence.  

Why were they special from that moment? 

Because Danai and Andy have amazing chemistry? It is that.  They certainly do have insanely intense chemistry.  But, it was also more.

A few days ago, I saw a clip, one I hadn't seen before, of Danai talking about how Richonne got together and when they were filming Clear she thought it could happen. Clear was big for Richonne, but their meeting at the end of Hounded, S3x6, was when Richonne truly started because that’s the moment that changed them. That was the moment they saw each other. 

Think of the word “hounded”.  It means to pursue with or as if with hounds.  To pursue. I like that.  Was hounded not what they were by people or ghosts all episode? Indeed they were.  But at the end of this episode their pursuits end.  They found something they needed. Their safest place.  Their person. 

Both Danai and Andy, as well as others, have said Richonne finally saw each other on the couch and it clicked.  I can accept that.  They saw each other in that “It’s Always Been You” light.  But guess what? That's always been the case.

Why are Richonne so special?  I;m talking about infinitely more special than any couple I have shipped and loved prior to and after discovering them?  Again, I love my other couples, but when I compare them to Richonne, there is no comparison. It’s like comparing a pack of crackers to a five course meal.  It's all food, but not at all the same.

The truth is when Richonne met they truly saw each other.  They saw in each other that something inside themselves they didn't see, maybe didn't want to see, but knew was there.  Inside them. Hounding them.  Danger, fear, and determination to live and protect those they love at any cost. To not go back to that dark, isolating place they enter when they cannot protect those they love. The place each were when they met. They looked at one another and saw themselves. Someone frightening but not. Someone dangerous, but not.  Someone hurting with a hurt they each recognized.  Rick had been shot and Michonne was newly shot. Rick had just lost Lori and Michonne had lost Andre and Mike.  

Grief and Pain.  Physical and emotional trauma. And they saw that and more in each other. I go so far as to say they saw their future, too.

In Clear, Rick allowed Carl, his baby boy, to go off with Michonne.  A woman he had known all of  about five days. A woman who carried a katana and had no hesitation in using it.  Yet, Rick trusted her with his most precious thing.  His first born. His son.  In Clear, Richonne bonded.  Michonne opened herself to Rick, shared some of herself, and Rick appreciated that. Even made an attempt at a joke by saying he saw things. 

In Clear, Rick already trusted her, because he knew her. He saw her.  He saw her at the fence.  He saw himself inside her at the fence.  

He saw himself inside her at the fence.  

There was no pun intended with that sentence, but there is double truth in it.  Richonne were connected at the fence.  Roughly nine months later, they were connected in body.  Rick was truly inside Michonne in all ways, and that connection solidified, melded their soulmate bond.  That heat, that passion, that love sealed their forever fate. 

Richonne saw each other at the fence.  All the hurts, pains, fears, every unspeakable thing they don't need to speak, they see everything in each other.  More, they accept it without question, and make no attempts to change it.  They are each other.  He is her and she is him.  They are indeed one half of a whole.  Two pieces that make one. They are a perfect fit. 

Richonne love each other. They truly love every single thing about each other, and there's nothing either could ever do to change that.  It's fact, truth, gospel, it's everything.  That's why Richonne are so special.  They are the definition of ride or die. Through any and everything, they are there for each other.  They are an unbreakable bond. 

That's why they are like no other couple.  They understand each other on a level no one else could ever understand.  They accept each other without question.  They speak their own language.  They speak without words. They see each other.  They are connected. They are love. They are Richonne.

[darklydeliciousdesires]

Nobody's Girl - Chapter Three.

Check your girl out over here like Oprah. YOU get another chapter, and YOU get another chapter, and so on! I am seriously so flattered by everyone loving the story so far, and watching you all so rabidly consuming it makes me so very happy :)

With the time off work I have had recently, it's meant the story has virtually written itself, I'm up to chapter eleven in the writing, so what I thought would originally be a shorter series has turned into a longer one, meaning I can update more regularly. Well, I can only hope you like this chapter just as much as the previous two, and if you do, remember to leave me a little comment, or a reblog. You would have my eternal gratitude for doing so!

Previous chapters - One Two

Taglist - In the comments, please DM to be added/removed

Words - 4,300

Warnings - Adult content throughout, minors DNI!

Conversation. With a woman he wasn’t involved with. Truly, Luca couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever enjoyed such, but there he was on an otherwise quiet Thursday night experiencing just that. A soft flurry of snow gently drifted down outside, his apartment the warm cocoon he and Emily sequestered themselves within, sitting on the couch, mostly her sharing stories of her life before she’d literally fallen into his.  

“I remember there was this one time, back when I first got caught up with them, I was taken for a game at this house in Queens. Joey had loaned me to his brother, Giacinto, but of course there was the issue of how he could get me in at the table. So, he made a bet on a bet, I guess you’d call it. Strode in there and announced that he bet each player two hundred bucks they couldn’t beat me in a game of seven card stud.  

“Of course, part of the point of poker is counting cards, but I can do it faster and better, and I did. I won Giacinto five grand in one night, and most of the guys were pissed as hell that I’d beaten them, except for one. He was an older guy, thick glasses, big birthmark on his cheek. He told me I was every man’s worst nightmare, a pretty blonde with a brain, and he respected that.”  

“That’s Jimmy Phelan, Irish mob from Philly,” Luca nodded, quite impressed that she’d grabbed his attention.  

She clicked her fingers in remembrance. “Yeah, Jimmy. That was his name. I’ve met so many wiseguys that it’s hard to keep up with all of the names. I remember the ones who have curious nicknames, like Carmine the Boots, and Duck Foot Silv. I never asked how they got them, though.” 

Luca knew, of course. “Carmine is the boots ‘cuz that’s what he does to those who earn it, fits ‘em with a nice set of concrete boots and sends ‘em off for a swim in the Hudson River. Silvio, they call him duck foot ‘cuz the guy was born with webbed toes.” 

Her eyes widened, leaning forward in her seat. “Have you seen the toes?” 

“I have,” he smirked, scratching his jaw,. “He does this trick, sticks a quarter on his big toe and flicks it about ten feet in the air.” 

She snorted with giggles, sipping her drink and catching an ice cube to chew upon. The sound of her cracking it between her teeth did something to his insides that he couldn’t explain, but was very, very pleasant. “I bet he’s a good swimmer too, huh?” 

“Guy don’t need no flippers, that’s for fuckin’ sure.” 

He looked at her for a long moment, enchanted as usual by her loveliness. It was so easy with her. She knew exactly who and what he was, and she just accepted it without fuss, acting unguarded with him, rather than either trying to work him out or shrink in intimidation. It made a nice change, to simply experience a slice of normality like that, and especially with a woman. Most only wanted him for his money or the association of who he was.  

Or his cock. He was famed for having one hell of a nice cock, after a woman he’d bedded had been very loud in her praise of it one time.  

“So yeah, back to Jimmy being nice to me. He gave me a hundred dollars, said I’d earned it, being such a good card player. I was amazed, and I thought the cash was mine to keep, but not according to Giacinto. Copped a huge beating for that assumption, ended up with this.”  

Hooking her finger into her mouth, she pulled her cheek back to reveal the empty gum space where her back teeth should have sat, Luca feeling caustic within. How hard must he have punched her to knock a both a double and fucking wisdom tooth out, he had to wonder, remembering how tough his own had been to have extracted by a dentist.  

“Bastardo,” he hissed, picking up his drink and knocking it back, refilling it. “Ain’t no big man’s game, sluggin’ a broad. You wanna prove you have cojones? Fuckin’ walk up to the biggest fella in the room and crack him in the mouth. S’what I used to do whenever I got thrown in Sing Sing as a kid, not long after I arrived here from England.”  

“Have you ever done serious time for your endeavours?” she asked, lifting the wool shawl where it had slipped from her shoulders, Luca wishing she’d left it. Any chance he got to view more of her beautiful, lily skin, and he shamelessly took it. It had been gnawing at him for the past fourteen days since she’d been there, chewing away at his resolve like a starving wolf.  

Usually, he’d have made his move by now on somebody he coveted. Hell, his record was ten seconds upon seeing a woman he desired, walking up to her and brashly asking a simple, three worded question. “Wanna fuck me?” No woman ever refused him. With Emily, though, because of her sheer loveliness, as tempting as it would be to corrupt, he held himself back.  

It was a fierce internal conflict he waged war with, his rampant libido dictating he simply take her to bed and bounce her on his cock until she screamed his name, the very little morality left within him castigating such, because of how innocent and sweet the girl was. He couldn’t tarnish something that lovely and pure with the infection of his darkness. Until he could come to some resolve, he supposed he’d have to simply deal with the juxtaposition of wanting to cherish her like a princess and fuck her like a whore.  

She was a billion miles away from the latter, though. Hence the conflict. 

Also, he got the distinct impression that she was still too scared of him. For the most part, she was settled around him, a little shy still, but definitely comfortable enough to open up to him and talk, just like she was doing on that particular evening. If he showed the weight of his desire for her, though, she’d surely bolt. The last thing he wanted was for her to flee.  

“I did a few years for theft, when I was eighteen,” he eventually replied, once he’d managed to finally pull himself back out of his thoughts. “Few times being locked up here and there in the time between, too.”  

“Don’t you mafia guys have the police on payroll, or something?” 

That was another reason why he held himself back. Would she truly want to remain in the world she’d been held prisoner in, should he instigate anything with her? Then again, at least this time she would have a choice. “We do now, yeah. Hence why I ain’t seen a cell in a while.”  

“I think I’d cry if I was ever arrested. Jail sounds scary,” she spoke, sipping her drink, her sweetness making his chest hurt. Why did she have to be the loveliest little thing he’d ever met? It was making him crazy, the want to protect her, the need to fuck her dirty, both colliding with the resolve that he’d solely keep here there until he knew all he wanted about the Calabrese family.  

It was a resolve that seemed to fracture away with every second that passed in her company.

She’d given him very useful information so far, too. Safe house locations his guys had duly gone in and looted, details of deals that she’d been made privy to that he’d been able to scupper before they’d had a chance to come to fruition. Because of Emily, he had the upper hand in the war against the family who – in his mind, at least – needed to show respect and fall back into line.  

What would happen when the well that was her information dried up, though? What, he was simply meant to let this beautiful little creature, this utter mythical princess of a woman unlike any others he’d encountered simply be on her way, and leave his life with a little less pure, iridescent sparkle in her wake? 

He was glad of the distraction when a heavy fist pounding the door below interrupted their evening, Emily nearly jumping out of her skin.  

“S’okay,” he assured her as he stood, resting a hand to her shoulder. “That’s Angelo, he has a habit of knocking like he’s the fuckin’ police.” He headed to the stairs, descending, opening the door but remaining out of her sight as he and Angelo exchanged hushed whispers. Luca appeared again after a few minutes, looking lamentable, but also angry as he pulled himself into his thick, black coat. 

“I have to go out, something I gotta attend to,” he spoke, Emily rising to her feet. 

“Oh, alright. When will you be back?” 

He shrugged, not looking pleased at all. “Hopefully not too long, but don’t wait on me, alright?” 

She nodded, and then completely on blind impulse, reached for his face, pulling him down to her tiny level and kissing his cheek. “Be careful.” 

His heart all but broke the ribs covering it with the force of its rapid thuds. He winked, thumb stroking the apple of her cheek. “I will, doll.”  

As he walked back down the stairs, he could still feel the soft press of her lips against his cheek, his pulse amped up from even the tiniest display of affection from his houseguest. He truly hadn’t expected it, and when he should have left the building with nothing but business on his mind, instead, it was only getting back to Emily again that occupied his thoughts.  

Meanwhile, the girl herself flopped back onto the couch, sighing as she covered her face with her hands. “Oh, god help me. I want that man so badly!” she grimaced, groaning with discomfort. Truly, she didn’t know how the hell to play it, either, feeling so conflicted.

Sometimes, he’d flirt with her, but she was too shy to reciprocate it, meaning he’d pull back and cool down with how he acted around her. Other times, she knew only too well he was trying to wheedle information regarding the Calabrese’s from her, information she found herself giving, getting herself furtherly wrapped up in a world she knew truly wasn’t any good for her.  

How much danger was she in, though, from her place beneath the albatross-like wings of Luca Changretta? Nobody would be fool enough to touch her. However, that was only if she became more to him than whatever she was, she supposed. Then again, he had told her several times already she was safe with him. 

Falling into a silly daydream, she imagined him taking her in his arms, kissing her, those big, tattooed hands laying worship upon her, that sultry voice of his speaking his wants and desires. She let her mind wander for so long that she was still partially in a daze when she heard a rapid knock at the door, followed by the creak of it opening, the music no longer playing.  

“Luca? It’s only me,” a female voice called, her heeled feet alighting the stairs. Before she could speak, a buxom looking redhead appeared, her face surprised as she took Emily in. “Oh, hi! I’m Maggie, and you are?”  

“Hi, Maggie. I’m Emily, and Luca is out,” she spoke, picking up her drink and finishing it. 

“Oh, oh alright. I must’a missed him leaving,” she muttered, holding two large jute bags in her hands. “I was just bringin’ up the takings to him, but I guess I can leave ‘em with you. You’re his new gal, right?” 

She shook her head. “No, just his, uh, his friend.”  

Maggie snorted, placing the takings down on the coffee table. “Luca don’t have gals who are just friends, sweetie pie.” She viewed her carefully, watching the way the young blonde blushed furiously, reaching for the vodka bottle. Only a tiny drizzle remained within.  

“Damn,” Emily pouted, “I drank it all.”  

“Hey, I gotta load of premixed cocktails I’d otherwise throw out. Fancy coming and helping me drink ‘em while I clean up for the night?” Maggie offered, suddenly feeling like she would be being rude to go and pour it all away, and leave the girl upstairs alone, waiting on a man who would likely be gone for hours. Especially too after she’d blatantly embarrassed the hell out of her by her assertion over her boss and his lack of female friends.  

Who was she to judge? Stranger things had happened, she guessed, although she had to admit, she was very curious. If Luca wasn’t giving her a good fucking on the regular, then just what was she doing there? She had noticed her boss not present down in the joint for the last two weeks, with none of his usual rotation of females making their way up to the apartment. Curiosity demanded an answer. 

Smiling, Emily rose to her feet, stuffing them into her shoes. “Sure, that’d be nice.”  Following Maggie back down, she was ushered over to the bar, taking a seat on one of the high stools, the clean up in full effect as people swept, tidied and mopped, the band disassembling their instruments and returning them to their respective cases.  

“Here, I hope you like Manhattan’s,” Maggie spoke, pouring a large measure into a copper mug and passing it over, topping off her own and holding it out. “Cheers, Emily.” 

“Cheers.” She took a swig, the alcohol hitting her throat so hard, she almost coughed, the redhead throwing her head back. 

“Sorry, sugar. I make ‘em potent!” she smirked, taking a soapy cloth and beginning to clean down the bar. “So, you and Luca. What’s the story, darl?”  

Emily didn’t really feel comfortable with revealing the whole truth to a perfect stranger, even though obviously she was a trusted person by the man himself. She wouldn’t have been working in his speakeasy if she wasn’t. “I’m staying with him for a little while.” 

“And you ain’t knockin’ boots with him?” she was then asked. 

“No, definitely not,” she replied, taking another sip of the rocket fuel in her grasp.  

Maggie raised an eyebrow, beginning to pick up liquor bottles from behind the bar and clean the runs and drips away with her cloth. “But you wanna, amirite? Everyone wants to fuck Luca, ‘cept me. I like ‘em a little prettier.”  

Watching her wink as a cute, almost angelic looking blonde saxophone player walked past and waved goodnight, Emily caught her drift immediately. Turning back to Maggie, she shrugged lightly. “I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m his type.” By that point, she’d seen a picture of Filomena, his ex-wife when he’d shown her some photographs of his children. She was dark haired, buxom, Italian and glamorous. Everything she wasn’t.  

“True,” Maggie spoke, pausing to light a cigarette, her cleaning endeavours finished. “But men like somethin’ a lil’ different, they’ll find themselves urging for a taste of the unfamiliar when it’s presented to ‘em. You should give him a go, darl. I hear he’s good with his cock.”  

It was an unfortunate time to take a sip of the lethal Manhattan, Emily half spraying it back into the mug at her brazenness. Maggie couldn’t resist in teasing further. “One of the dancers here was fucking him a while back. Said he was hung like a bull and had the stamina of a guy half his age.”  

Emily felt herself shrinking with every word, Maggie throwing her head back and laughing hoarsely. “Oh, ain’t you a cutie! Gettin’ all shy. Sorry, I know I’m brash. I’ll behave.”  

Perhaps having a female perspective into her predicament might be helpful, she then pondered. Maggie seemed nice, friendly, too. It wasn’t like Emily had a whole lot in the way of friends, either, no gal pals to run her thoughts by. “Okay, so the truth is, I do want to,” she began, Maggie’s face lighting up as she leaned over the bar, huddling close. 

“Tell me more, sugar!” 

Pausing, she took another sip of her drink for courage. “I want to, but I never have before. With any man.”  

The barmaid’s eyes all but fell out of her skull. “Really?” 

She nodded.  

“But... why? Sex is amazing with the right guy!” 

Just then, a door flew open down at the other end of the room, one of the dancers striding out, mid-tirade. “It’s the fuckin’ same with all you fuckin’ Italian jerks!” she screamed, the guy following her looking nonchalant. “All of youse expect us to fuckin’ suck dick, but when it comes to returning it, nadda, nothin’, no sale! Would it fuckin’ kill you to eat me out just once, Luciano?” 

He shrugged, lighting a cigarette. “I ain’t about that.” 

“Yeah, me and my thirsty kitty cat know only too well, you two-bit fuck! We’re done!” She was out of the joint in a blur of sequins and fury, Emily and Maggie sharing a wide-eyed look at having front row seats to such a show. 

“Yeah, he ain’t the right guy,” the latter snorted, jerking her thumb in the direction where Luciano, one of Luca’s street guys had just walked in, softly cussing to himself in Italian.  

“To answer your question, I don’t know, really,” Emily confessed, thinning her lips momentarily. “I’ve never found anyone I like enough to do it with, I guess. It’s like I’m a beacon for shitty guys with bad intentions.”  

Her confidant didn’t truly know how to answer that, since Luca did seem to go through women like they were entering and exiting in a revolving door. However, there was a plus point. “Well, if you decided to, at least it wouldn’t be a lousy first experience for ya. He’s forty-three, the man has heaps of experience, so it wouldn’t be like my first. Two pumps and a squirt, baby. I was so disappointed,” 

The women both snorting laughing, Emily throwing her head back as she truly began to cackle loudly. Oh, she was funny, this brazen woman who had taken her under her wing and plied her with lethally potent cocktails. While she was beginning to relax and find herself making a new friend, the topic of their conversation was walking into a speakeasy in Bushwick, his crew around him.  

“Luca, glad you could join me,” Giacinto Calabrese spoke, leaning back in his seat. “Drink?”  

“No thanks,” he drawled through the chew on his toothpick, “won’t be stayin’ all that long. So, Angelo here tells me you gotta deal for me, huh?” 

His adversary gestured to a chair, Luca taking a seat, his eyes never leaving the man as he felt his mood darkening, looking at his hands. Those were the knuckles that had smashed the teeth out of her mouth. “I do, because you have somethin’ of ours we want returned to us, but I’m a fair man. I’m happy to exchange.” Lifting his chin, he pulled his cigarettes out, lighting one up. “Give me the girl, and I’ll walk away from the warehouses in Yonkers. You have my word.” 

He rolled his tongue against his cheek, chuckling a deadly hiss. “Your word is worth shit, and Emily ain’t for sale, pal.” 

“Oh!” The wise assed man laughed, entertained. “On first name terms with the little puttana now, huh? Wait, I can’t call her that, though. Bitch is more frigid than a fuckin’ nun!”  

Luca remained still, but his eyes moved with all the intent of a predator locking onto its target, slowly pulling the toothpick from between his lips. “The fuck you just call her, stronzo? A bitch?” 

“Yeah,” Giacinto laughed, “I called her a bitch, and...”  

That was as far as he got before the lion that was the head of the Changretta mob pounced, grabbing his collar and pounding his head down onto the table, their respective guys all drawing their weapons. 

“You’re outnumbered, fellas,” Angelo rumbled, tutting. “Put ‘em down.” The men fell back, all watching the scene unfold before them.  

Luca loomed like a shadow of death, his hand holding Giacinto fast against the smooth, dark wood. “Did you call her a bitch when you knocked her fuckin’ teeth out? Did ya? Tell me, how hard does a guy like you have to slug a tiny little thing like her to crack the goddamned teeth from her jaw? This hard?” His fist met his face in a sickeningly strong blow, the piece of shit beneath his grasp grunting in pain. “This hard?” He punched him again, this time loosening one of the teeth he was aiming for, Luca hauling him up and beginning to lay repetitive punches to his face, Giacinto flying back to the floor.  

With his rage pumping like water through a broken dam, Luca loomed over him, pulling a flick knife from his pocket and releasing the blade, holding it so hard against his cheek, his blood began to seep from beneath the press. “You ever speak her name again and I will cut your fuckin’ tongue from your head. The Yonkers warehouses are mine now, too, just for the fuckin’ gall of you. Give your fuckin’ father my goddamned regards, Giacinto.”  

“Fuck you, Luca!” he spat, shame and rage coiling through him.  

“Fuck me, huh?” he laughed, low and deadly. “Nah, kid. Tell me, you right-handed? You are, aren’t ya? It was your right hand you used to beat her, wasn’t it?” Wrenching his arm up, he grasped his wrist, bringing the knife down between his third and fourth fingers, beginning to slice through skin, sinew and tendons. Giacinto screamed, Luca holding the knife towards Angelo, needing both hands to grab the second and third, then fourth and fifth fingers, grasping hard before literally ripping his hand apart.  

“Can’t go punching little girls no longer now, can you?” Standing, he left him screaming on the floor, looking to his guys. “Step down from the warehouses as of tonight, or I do worse to all six of youse.” With that, Luca and his eight cohorts left the speakeasy, heading back to their cars, Brooklyn bound. Entering his apartment just under a half hour later, he made sure he was quiet, not wanting to wake the beauty in his bed.  

Hanging his coat and jacket, he unlaced his shoes, removing his tie as he walked over to the bed, just about able to see her outline there curled up, sleeping soundly. Reaching toward her face, he gently swept the platinum strands of hair that had fallen loose back behind her ear, tenderly stroking the apple of her cheek with the back of his fingers.  

He realised right there that she could never again utter anything about the Calabrese’s, and he wouldn’t care at all. He didn’t need her for information. He just needed her to be safe.  

The twisted irony wasn’t lost on him, though, that the very person she wasn’t safe from was the one whose bed she slept soundly in, but for very different reasons than what the Calabrese’s represented. He lingered there only a moment longer before going to the bathroom and undressing, pulling on his grey and white striped pyjama bottoms, heading for the couch.  

“Luca?”  

He actually jumped a little, hearing her soft voice suddenly sound through the dark. “Yeah, doll?” Turning, he watched her sit up, peeling the bed clothes back as she shuffled over, patting the mattress. “It’s freezing. You can’t keep sleeping on the couch. I don’t mind sharing.”  

He hesitated only a second before walking over, climbing in next to her, his heart beginning to race. Her warmth was the most alluring intoxication he’d ever felt near to him, wanting nothing but to wrap himself around her, meld his body to hers, tell her in no uncertain terms that Giacinto Calabrese would never dare touch her again.  

Lying there, Emily could feel the tension radiating from him, not knowing why he was in such a state, but sensing it all the same. Had something happened, while he was out, something to spark his temper, amp his ire? She felt him turn away from her, turning over herself and hesitating a moment before putting the advice she’d had from Maggie to good use. ‘Just move on him. You’re beautiful, sugar. He won’t turn you down.’  

It wasn’t necessarily a sexual advance, as Maggie had been specifically advocating, but it was a step in the right direction. Wrapping her arm around him, she pressed herself against his back, resting her hand to his chest. Her heart almost leapt into her throat when she felt him grasp her hand, thumb stroking, placing a kiss upon her fingers.  

He clutched her hand tight, feeling her breath flutter against his shoulder blades, his heart still hammering. If he turned to her, that would be it. He wouldn’t be able to hang onto the bull within him, goring against the very last of his soft flesh in a bid for freedom. Flesh that had softened for her. 

He remembered how he’d felt, punching Giacinto repeatedly in the face, until he had expelled blood with every groaned breath, all for her, because of her, because no man would ever make the sweet little darling curled against him feel less than all she was ever again.  

But still, he didn’t dare turn over. It’d be like Satan himself defiling the purest of angels. If only Luca knew, though, as he wrestled with the beast within, that the only thing the angel pressed against his back wanted was to feel the burn of his lust against her skin.  

[jerirose]

"Lost Me" for SKZMixtapeZine

I can finally share this!! I was so happy when I was told I got a place in the Zine, I'd never done one before and to be surrounded by such incredible artists was such an honour! I learnt so much painting this piece and I am truly thankful to all of those that organised it and put it together! Image Description and my thought process on my painting under the cut!

My Twitter | Instagram The song I got assigned was "Lost Me", which I think was my top choice if not one of my top 3. I was so happy to get this song - not only is The Sound one of my favourite Stray Kids Japanese albums, but I just absolutely love the emotions in this song. Changbin is one of my favourite song writers which is why he got to be the face of this painting. I listened to this song over and over again, I'm sure if it hadn't been for me listening to the First Take version mostly, my music app would have questioned whether I was okay or not haha. Changbin said in a Nylon interview that Lost Me was "a very sad song about wanting to be loved by the people around you that you lose sight of yourself" and that really stuck with me - I remembered the days I would go on late night walks, feeling so dissociated from myself because I was trying to keep people around that didn't like me for who I was but who they shaped me to be, the feeling of detachment from yourself that you get from that... at first I'd a different vision for this painting but eventually, it made me think of those double exposed photos that were distorted and blurry, that feel almost like a wrapped reality, that uneasiness that they hold... that's how this song makes me feel and so I tried to translate that into a painting.

[Image Description] A digital realism painting of Seo Changbin from Stray Kids standing in front of an alley way with a large neon sign that says "Lost Me" and under it in Japanese it says "変わっても全て" which translates to "Even if everything changes" in English is blurred and distorted. Changbin is doubled like a double exposure photograph, blurred and slightly transparent like he's fading into the background, behind him glowing lights of shop signs light their way down the alley way and a shop to his right has the lyrics "孤独には感じたくないんだよ" in Japanese which translate to "I don't want to feel alone" in English. The painting is painted in bright pinks and blues like those from a busy night-life scene, with glitch effects and light leaks, giving the whole painting the feeling of being taken on a disposable analogue camera during a night out. Changbin looks to off to his left in one of his exposures and off to the right in another, his black hair is down and not styled and he wears a simple black tee-shirt in both.

[athanasius-symposium-of-writings]

Green Carnation

Chapter Two

I want to say how happy I am to see a lot of ppl like this fic. I will say it was a bit personal to write this and had to even talk to my friend about the subjects of this fic that it touches. So I want to thank them for helping me and also tell you all: you are very loved <3

Again pls read the warning and keep yourself safe

Rated: Explicit | Warnings: open relationship, there is gender play/crossdressing in this chapter. Norton calls the reader 'Mrs. Campbell' as they/he cannot marry him during this time but it all plays into a fantasy and is not said in a way of demeaning but in a way of affection.

Chapter One

The molly house, a speakeasy your wife took you to, is full of high society types. Here you found out a lot about yourself. Your wife, you love her to pieces, was supportive the whole way.

The place is not popular in the sense not many people travel this far to go here for there are others. The rustic charm and the memories of your friend keep you here.

You think about him, your friend and lover, he was a good man. Older and loved talking about his work with technology. The subject is sore for you and you come to the conclusion maybe you would never find a man like him; you won't but something new is not so bad.

Norton is at the check-in desk getting the large suitcase, holding a surprise, a quick search. You went ahead inside to see if your wife was still watching the burlesque show. Her lover, a woman you find pleasant, is sitting next to her. She points you out to your wife. 

You smile glad to see them both. Her lover waves at you before going back to watch the show.

She kisses you for a few seconds with her arms around your neck, “I thought you weren't coming.” Pulling back. She is beautiful, always beautiful, wearing the latest dress from France. Your wife is from very old money thus your father had your marriage arranged for social climbing. Lucky you, she likes you— Loves you.

“Sorry, got uh…” Rubbing the back of your neck awkwardly.

Norton comes up behind you with a neutral expression for your wife, “Fancy seeing you.” The suitcase is no longer with him, “They're getting us a room.” He informs you.

Your wife is confused and looks ready to also protect you. “It's okay. He asked to come here.” You say with a smile for her to know you are truly okay.

“And you trust him?”

Norton frowns, “I used to work in a place like this. The alcohol is just as cheap there as it is here.” His hand slipping around your waist tugging you close to him, “I intend to fuck your husband.”

Your wife looks at you then him then you and back to him, “Seriously?” Given she knew about your attraction to Norton the moment you came home covered in bruises, “Listen, we are discussing this later.” Shaking her head she lowers her voice, “You break my husband, I break you, Campbell.” She is very serious as she glares at him then softens her gaze toward you. “I'll be here.” Kissing you again before returning to her lover.

“I thought you two weren't in love.” The Prospector is very confused.

You laugh a bit, “We are in love. She has a lover and I was fine with only her but the option was always available for me to seek another.”

Norton will not pretend to understand that.

For a bit you both hang out at the bar, drinking a bit, mostly chatting. The bartender informs you both the private room is ready, and you take the key. Norton follows your lead.

“The rooms are over here.”

Small rooms with beds and simple bathrooms are places for those to indulge with partners or paid companionship. They are always clean and can have certain amenities added or changed.

It takes a minute to find the room; once you do, opening and closing the door, Norton sits on the bed next to the suitcase. “Go on.” Gesturing for you to take the thing with you, “In there, and don't come out until you are all dolled up.” Pointing to the closed bathroom door. The smirk on his face broadcasts how pleased he is as your cheeks burn hotter than any fire right now.

You are uh, you have not been with another man after your friend’s death, never felt right. He was everything you wanted to be, inspired to be, and yet you were content not to be. He showed you things and was slow and patient with you, never will find that again you figured. 

Norton does not move slow; he moves fast and trusts his gut on things most of the time. And tonight his gut was right.

The wedding dress you wear, after going into the bathroom and preparing yourself, is comfortable for your size and body type. It is the same one you were looking at with your wife while talking to her about renewing your vows. Norton was only there because he needed a party suit.

“This is embarrassing.” The makeup is a touch you added without him saying anything. Your wife adores you with lipstick, the rouge kind, it makes your smile pop. Norton sits there with his legs open and leaning back with his hands holding him up. Admiring, though you can feel him undressing you.

“Mrs. Campbell.” He says, “You look nice.”

“Nice? Do you understand the fight I was having with this zipper!? I better be more than nice.” Annoyed.

“Alright, alright,” Standing up with his hands up in defense, “How about ravishing, hm? Want me to praise my good boy for following my instructions, or,” He grins at the way he can tower over you, “Should I take my wife on our wedding night and make him feel everything I have been holding back, hm?”

There is something you like… Something about being in a role you are never going to have. You are a man, a husband, the breadwinner. There are things in this society you will never have nor be granted even if you held all the money in the world. You must dominate, must be strong, you must be everything society demands of you.

Your father was forgiving of your tastes so long as you were discreet; your wife helped you… Help you find this place where you can be how you want.

The bed is comfortable but you find yourself backed against a wall with Norton under the wedding dress.

“Hard already? Lace really does wonders to a man.”

You try not to moan, try not to seem touch starved for another man's touch, but you moan. Hands gripping and pressing down on the front of your dress. The dress is not a problem rubbing against the right spots as Norton’s callous hand grips your legs. Comparing both your bodies, you must feel like a doll to him. You are trying hard not to cum as his tongue and lips are hot against your cock, the barrier of the lace panties rubbing and your hard cock twitching with arousal.

“Don’t you dare cum.”

 “God, please.”

“Not God, me. Beg for me.” His bitemarks littered all over your inner thighs, “Making a mess down here.” Precum weeping out of your cock onto the underwear. His mouth takes the tip while his tongue cleans your mess.

“Shit, sorry, sorry!” It is too late and cum into Norton’s mouth, legs wobbling until they give out.

“Tsk, spoiled brat. I told you not to cum.” When you fall to the floor, now on your back, he slips from under your dress, licking his lips as lay there covering your eyes with both hands, “That good?” He crawls over to see you, moving your hands off your face. He looks worried. “(Name)...”

Crying, “Yes. Sorry, it's been… A long time.” It is unexpectedly emotional. You apologize again only for lips and a salty taste to blank your mind. His body is heavy, his colon the one you mentioned once how it smells nice, and his hand everywhere.

You once knew what it was like to be treasured, now you know what it is like to be possessed.

Norton Campbell is greedy, he touches you, consumes you; you writhe under him as lifts the dress to properly open you up. The oil he uses makes you feel warm and sensitive, “Suggested.”

“By who?” Out of breath.

“A friend.” Not only a friend, Norton hates the man but that novelist bastard has his uses.

“Good… Ah… Friend!” He found that sweet spot quickly, “Norton, Norton!” Legs shaking as you feel the ache of another release.

“This time you better hold back.”

You do, it is difficult but you do it with tears in your eyes and begging for him to let you cum.

“Mrs. Campbell needs to learn patience.”

“Mr. Campbell needs to fuck his wife or he might go find someone else who will.”

Norton sat up, a shadow falling over half of his face; you worried you said something wrong but when you are turned over to lay on your front. The way he hastily ripped his tie off to bind your wrist behind your back, he left enough fabric to use it like a leash.

“As if you would give that hole of yours to anyone but me.” His body close to yours once more, your head turning to glance behind you. You have never seen Norton naked, no reason to, and though he is not fully naked, he is shaped like a statue of Ares. Muscles and blood, his bones of iron; you whine at the sound of his pants being undone. He filled out so well, and you gasp as his cock-- Hot, heavy, and hard-- slid between your asscheeks. “You're a good boy,” Adjusting his cock with his free hand to press against your hole, “If you were easy, I wouldn’t have noticed how tight you are.” The lace moved aside but not taken off. Norton Campbell will be the death of you, pushing back wordlessly begging him. He is all too happy to thrust into your heat, the groan of how you need to relax, the way you called out his name in the voice he going to be obsessed with for a long time.

Lovemaking would be nice but not what is being done, Norton fucks you like you going to disappear. His teeth bite into your shoulder as he holds you close, thrusting with the intention of making your body remember every drag of cock. He will do this over and over, with you begging over and over to go harder or faster. Norton likes it when especially ask him to touch you, the sobs of your pleasure and way struggle to match his thrusts.

“That’s it,” Husky voice laced with the finest of lust, “(Name).” The sound of your name is spoken throughout the night. Every spot in this room is a witness and near the end he has you on the bed, holding you like you are his most treasured desire. Because you are.

It is a long night before he has to let you go. The saddest part of it all is always when the fantasy ends, yet it makes the memory last the longest. You will feel him for a few days and he will long for you for a few days. The public will only see what they need to see, the smoke and mirrors. The bittersweetness of it all, you try to focus on the sweetness though as he is there. Always there in front of you sharing the sun and moon with you.