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calcifiedunderland · 3 months

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Pride and Prejudice: A TWSTed AU

The Keeper of the Underworld: I. Shroud

Introduction, or Pick another route!

Idia x GN Reader (they/them)

Warnings: P&P-level angst and miscommunication, some cringe dialogue, parties, possibly ooc Idia, I wrote this before playing Book 6 so I apologize if there’s any inconsistencies

Notes: The level of overthinking I put into these fics is unreal 💀 First and foremost, thank you all for your patience!! Idia was hard to write, but I hope you enjoy, shrimpies~

———

Well this is certainly something, you thought. Of all the things you’d witnessed at NRC, (even overblots), you didn’t think you’d ever see Idia Shroud at one of Kalim’s parties.

You sipped on your drink when a shock of bright blue flames came in the corner of your eye, contrasting the orange-red of Scarabia. Kalim lead Idia into the dorm, bright and sunny, compared to the look on Idia’s face. Poor guy couldn’t even escape, because Cater and Rook ambled in behind him, chatting happily.

It was like the beginning of a joke: A sultan, a card soldier, a huntsman, and a blue flame-headed gamer walk into a room.

Kalim spotted you and grinned, grabbing Idia’s hoodie sleeve and dragging him over too. “Hey (name)! I’m glad you could make it!”

You smiled at the Scarabia Housewarden, “Thanks Kalim! I-“ At that moment, Jamil reached him to drag him away, mumbling exasperatedly to Kalim about being careful. Kalim laughed Jamil off, “sorry (name)! I’ll see you later, okay?” “Alright then…” you trailed off and turned to Idia, who looked like a deer in headlights.

“So…” you rocked on your heels. To be honest, you didn’t know how to approach him sometimes. Sure, you’d gamed with him a few times (with heavy insistence from Ortho) and you weren’t on his ‘avoid at all costs’ ranking list, but Idia did have his odd moments. Some days, you two would get along like a house on fire. Other times, it was like Idia hated you - avoiding you even in tablet-mode, and ghosting your chats.

You’d like to think that your more friendly moments were the ones that Idia counted, but sometimes it was hard to get a read on the guy.

“I didn’t know that you’d be at Kalim’s party today. I thought Ortho said there was an event in… um…?” You finished, cringing at your vagueness. You might not have known much about the game he played, even though he’d made you play it when you came over to Ignihyde, but you knew he probably didn’t want to be here of all places.

Idia’s hair flared a bit, and he looked resigned and moody. He pulled out his tablet. Ya, the event dropped today but I got mobbed by kalim + the extroverts. “That sucks,” you said, “I got dragged here by Ace. Still, it’s nice to see you.” In the oil lamp lighting, you could’ve sworn Idia’s hair turned a bit pink.

You were both silent, and you opened your mouth to speak when Lilia yelled out from the front, “let’s get this party started!” Kalim started drumming wildly, and then electric guitar swelled. Lilia began screaming heavy-metal-style into the mic. Around you, everyone started dancing, and even you found yourself moving to the rhythm.

You glanced at Idia every now and again, but he looked vaguely annoyed and tired despite the liveliness. He looks so over it, you thought. Probably since Kalim maybe dragged him here. You looked around, biting your lip when you noticed your friends having a grand old time on the dance floor, and kind of wanted to go too. Still, it wasn’t every day you saw Idia, and you wanted to do something with him. Especially since he was… well, here.

“So, Idia…” Idia’s eyes snapped to yours, dull. You rocked back on your feet, “do you dance?” Idia rolled his eyes, and you felt your heart sink, for some reason. Obvi not, id probs distract everyone anyway. And also id just rather not if I can help it. Your smile wavered, “c’mon Idia, anyone can dance, even if it’s not good!” Idia typed rapidly into the tablet, i mean ur not wrong. Like literally anyone can dance but ppl only do it bc its wat normies do.

You opened your mouth, then squared your shoulders, words failing you. Idia shoved a hand into his pockets and opened an app on the tablet, scrolling. You swayed for a bit, feeling awkward while Idia kept his eyes glued to the screen, a frown creasing his brows. Finally you shrugged your shoulders, trying to shake that sinking-feeling off.

You stepped into the crowd of dancing people, swaying to the music and trying not to look over at the blue flames swaying in the corner. Unknowing to you, Idia glanced up from his tablet every few minutes, trying to catch a glimpse of you, before trudging back to the cold chrome of Ignihyde, back to his dorm.

———

Ugh, could this get any worse?

Idia flopped onto his bed, shoving his headphones on and opening the mobile game on his phone. Not only did he get a late start on the game event, but he flubbed a chance to talk to you. Even if you did want to dance like all the other non-introverts at Scarabia. Thank Sevens Ortho didn’t know he missed his chance, otherwise the little robot would’ve torn Idia apart.

Idia shut his eyes and went over the details. Doing this IRL was trash-tier. Why couldn’t this just be a good-old-fashioned otome game, or romance anime? First you meet the love interest, then you find things they’re into, then you talk to them more. Then finally you confess, and cue the outro. He’d watched countless shojo and romance anime’s, and that was the basic outline. Eventually, the ethereal, gorgeous, smart, kind protagonist (aka you) would fall in love with their love interest (aka him) and it would all work out. Boom. Happily ever after.

Ah, yes. He could see it now.

Cherry blossom petals rained around both of you. Where are they coming from, this campus doesn’t grow cherry blossoms? Whatever, don’t question it. Anyway, the petals fluttered past your beautiful, sparkling eyes as you stared up at Idia with adoration and love. Idia stared down at you with full-rizz, kabedoning you against the wall.

“Oh, Idia-senpai!” You’d cry, eyes turning into hearts as sparkles and pink flower petals surround you both. “You’re so cool and not cringe at all! I could never want one of those normies! You’re the only one for me! Please date me!” And then Ortho would set off the heart-shaped fireworks and you two would finally kiss-kiss-fall-in-love, just like the popular anime Our High School Has A Host Club And The Leader Falls In Love With Me?!

“Whee hee hee…” Idia stared off into the distance, giggling ominously to himself and hair turning pink at the ends. His character on the screen went into idle mode, and he didn’t even hear when Ortho floated into the room. “Big brother?” Ortho gently tapped him on the shoulder, yanking him from his shojo daydream. Idia jumped, hair flaring. “AAAIIIIEEEE-“ Ortho jumped back, eyes wide but not detecting any signs of injury on Idia.

Idia breathed heavily, wide-eyed. “Ortho! Wh-when did-? I wasn’t-!” Ortho analyzed his heart beat, noting that Idia had traces of blush on his cheeks and his erratic behavior pointed to- “Were you thinking about (name) (last name)?” Ortho asked innocently, his theory proven when Idia flushed and went pinker. The younger boy suddenly got an idea.

“You know, (Name)’s heart rate goes up when they interact with you,” Ortho watched his brother’s eyes widen, “even when you’re not there, when you’re mentioned, their heart rate increases by 45% and they are more likely to be in a positive mood. 82% of the time, they regard you in a positive way.” His eyes lit up happily with realization, “If my calculations are correct, they have feelings for you!”

Idia sat there, thinking. What were the odds you would like him back? Sure, you made him happy, and more importantly made Ortho happy. And it was actually nice talking to you. And he never felt exhausted after interacting with you. And maybe you did enjoy the artificial light of Ignihyde to the spring sun above, and maybe you would like being with dreary, nerdy him.

Ortho could see his brother lost in thought, noting that Idia’s heart rate spiked when he mentioned you. “I also overheard them telling Grim about finding a partner,” he said casually, omitting that you’d been wanting a partner in Alchemy, and not necessarily a romantic partner.

That seemed to fire Idia up. Ortho could see the metaphorical cogs in Idia’s brain turning, an entire blueprint of a plan being made in his mind. At last, a wide cunning grin spread on his face, and he opened his arms, “well, who else but a genius could be partners with the MC?” He said arrogantly, “it’s not like just anybody can woo the protagonist!”

Ortho beamed, cheering, “all you need to do now is confess!” Idia immediately began sweating, freezing up. “H-huh?!”

——

You frowned at your textbook, rubbing your temples as you read through the alchemy procedure. Ugh, this couldn’t get any more confusing.

As you turned to begin writing, the door burst open. You flinched and immediately locked eyes with a frazzled Idia. His golden eyes were wide, and he was panting - he even looked sweaty. Somehow his blue fire hair seemed just as frazzled as him, looking pale-blue in shock. Could flames somehow look poofy?

“Prefect!” He squeaked. “Idia?” You questioned, what’s he doing here? It was odd that he’d be out of his room at six in the afternoon, not to mention he looked afraid of you. It wasn’t like you were a stranger, even though as of late, he treated you like one.

He stared at you from the door for an uncomfortable amount of time, then sped-walked to stand in front of you. You looked up at him from your seat, tapping your fingers. You awkwardly asked “do you wanna sit down?” He shook his head quickly, the ends of his hair were turning pink. You frowned, “…dude, are you okay?”

Idia flinched. He pivoted on his heel, “no, no, can’t do it, not today-“ he scuttled out of the room and slammed the door, screeching to himself and pulling his hood over his head. You stared at the door, vaguely hearing Idia freaking out to… was that Ortho? You heard the little robot boy’s voice through the door, probably calming Idia down, along with an odd spraying sound.

It went quiet and you assumed they’d left. Whatever, weirder things have happened at NRC. As you went back to writing, the door slammed open again. You jumped, heart beating wildly. Idia stormed over to you, hair blazing a trail behind him. He slammed his hands down on the desk, and your eyes watered with the scent of overpowering cologne bodyspray.

“Prefect! I need to tell you something!” Idia’s eyes steeled in determination, and he looked you dead in the eye. He was breathing heavily, and his flamed hair blazed and curled more than usual, turning deep pinkish-red near the ends. The last time you saw his hair similar to that, was when he was rage-playing during one of your gaming sessions. How pissed is he? You felt your heart leap into your throat.

“Idia,” you began, freaked out, “I think you should sit down-“ Idia blazed on, “this is honestly a horrible decision for you and definitely for me. I don’t even want to think about what Mother and Father would say, not to mention how this’d affect Styx.” He was tunnel visioning now. “Plus you don’t even have magic and this might not even work out anyway ‘cause I don’t see us working out TBH…” Slowly his hair began fizzling out, voice getting quieter and quieter as he mumbled to himself.

This was a terrible idea, Idia realized. After everything that had happened with Styx, not to mention everything you had to deal with personally, it wouldn’t be good to get involved with him. You could be in danger, especially as a non-magic user. No, it would be selfish of him to ask you to be with him. Why would you, anyway? There were other guys at NRC, not to mention the entire Sage’s Island, who would be a better fit for not. Especially ones who didn’t kidnap your friends and Grim. Especially someone like Idia.

No, he concluded. He shouldn’t have come.

You frowned deeply. “Idia, what…?” Your alchemy work definitely wasn’t done yet and Idia was making zero sense. He sighed, as if tired all of a sudden. “Nope, no… this isn’t going to work.” He stood abruptly and sped-walked out the door, brushing past Ortho. You overheard the boy try to get his brother to come back, but Idia didn’t stop. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears. So that’s what this is about? Idia didn’t want to be friends with you anymore? All because you weren’t… what? A tech whiz? Good at gaming? Magical? Your heart dropped. Because you were just too different from him? So you weren’t good enough to be even friends with him?

Your eyes stung at the thought. Fine. If Idia wanted to be that way, then fine. You shoved your books into you bag and headed back to Ramshackle. You doubted you’d be able to focus, anyway.

———

Poor Ortho was confused.

After running simulation after simulation, scouring the Internet for any clues, and piecing together what Idia said after running out of the classroom, he just couldn’t understand what happened. That was a first, considering it was Ortho.

Idia had ran out of the room in a hurry, mumbling incoherently. “Brother! What’s happening?” Ortho flew to him, scanning his vitals. Idia seemed to be ok, but his brother seemed… strangely melancholic. “Ortho, it won’t work out,” he said dejectedly, not wanting to talk about it.

Ortho called after him, trailing behind “What did (name) (last name) say? There was a high probability they’d accept your-” Idia sighed in exasperation, shaking his head. “It won’t work. I should’ve never left the dorm…” As Idia trudged back to Ignihyde, Ortho was left with more questions.

He hovered for a moment, before heading back to the alchemy room for you, only to not find you there. Ortho thought hard, thinking back to what Idia said. ‘It won’t work out,’ was what he said - not a flat-out rejection from you. So that meant…

He began floating back to Ignihyde, determined. I can still save this!

———

You were taking overthinking to a new level.

You bit your lip, staring at the game’s chatbox in front of you. Idia was online, and probably didn’t realize you were too. You leaned against the Heartslabyul common room couch (curse Ramshackle’s lack of internet!), and hit send.

Hey is everything ok??

You watched Idia’s game icon immediately switch to “online less than 1 minute ago,” and groaned.

Cater exited the kitchens, leaning over the couch back. “Hey~ what’s got my fave frosh so worked up?” He chirped, looking at your phone. “Ohh, isn’t that the popular game that’s been trending? Wait, didn’t you say Idia got you into it?” Cater immediately had his phone in hand, “that’s supes adorable, playing with friends is so fun-“

You cut him off, throwing your hands up, “that’s it! Idia just doesn’t want to talk to me! He- he just-!” You grabbed a throw pillow and smashed your face into it, groaning. Cater patted your shoulder sympathetically, “well, we’re playing at another one of Kalim’s parties tonight, you want in?” You sniffed dramatically, thinking. “Well, I guess. Sure, why not?”

Later that evening, you stepped into the Scarabia mirror. You and Cater made your way to the food table. As you both munched on Jamil’s cooking (damn, the guy made a good curry), you watched everyone dancing. “Y’know, it was weird seeing Idia at a party,” you commented, while Cater nodded. “Yeah! We decided to bring him along that day, it was fun seeing him.”

You sighed, “yeah, it was, but… it’s not really often that we can hang out in person. I kinda wanted to dance with him last time, but he sort of… blew me off? I guess maybe it wasn’t the best idea.” You winced, while Cater’s eyebrows rose. “You didn’t tell me that. So, he did that and also told you he didn’t want to be friends?” You nodded, frustration flooding back, “Yeah! And I just don’t understand how he can be so conceited about him being so high and smart, and not like me because I don’t-“

“Prefect,” Cater cleared his throat. You looked up mid-rant, meeting Ortho’s eyes, and jumped. He just snuck up on you both like it was nothing. Did he hear you? Hopefully he wouldn’t be mad. In your mind, Idia started it.

“Hello (name) (last name)!” Ortho said pleasantly, so you assumed he hadn’t heard you. Great. “I didn’t know you’d be here! What a coincidence!” That was a lie, Ortho overheard you and Cater talking about the party when you were walking to Scarabia. He absolutely knew. And he dragged Idia here because of it.

“Yep,” you smiled at Ortho, “it’s nice to see you.” Ortho mentally readied himself and remembered every bit of acting advice Vil gave him. “I almost forgot!” His eyes widened, while your eyes narrowed. Ortho was a robot. He didn’t forget shit. “Big brother is here, and he wanted to ask you to dance!” What? Your neck snapped around, looking for Idia’s bright blue hair. Cater elbowed you, bringing you back to reality.

“I-well, I- had not-“ you stammered, fumbling for an excuse. Ortho’s eyes shone at you like puppy eyes, and your anger at Idia cracked. “…yeah, sure,” you watched Ortho rise a bit in the air happily, “Yippee! I’ll go get him!” He zipped off, and you rubbed your temples. Cater twisted a strand of his hair, eyes wide. “Yikes…” “tell me about it,” you groaned.

A few minutes later, you both looked up when Kalim tapped the mic. You didn’t miss Ortho hovering a ways behind Kalim. “Hey everyone! Thanks for coming!” When the cheering died down, Kalim continued, “We’re gonna try something different! Everyone, find a partner and join the dance floor!”

Cater glanced at you, mischievous. “Welp, I can’t leave them hanging~ TTYL, Prefect!” And he left faster than you could say ‘Magicam.’ Sweet.

You hesitantly stepped to the dance floor, half expecting Ortho to float up to you and sheepishly tell you Idia left. Your mind drifted back to that day in the alchemy room. I guess it wouldn’t work, anyway.

To your surprise, a finger tapped your shoulder. You turned, seeing Idia with a with a flushed expression, wearing a casual-but-chic blazer. His hair looked a bit tamer than normal, and cascaded down his back in a low ponytail, bangs flickering over his forehead. Undoubtedly, this was the work of Ortho, who definitely got pointers from Vil.

You both stared at each other, unmoving, until slow music began playing. You averted your eyes. Idia gulped, eyes widening until waving caught his eye. Ortho was flying upwards a little ways away from the slowly-crowding dance floor, gesturing wildly at you. As if that wasn’t enough, he projected words above his head: DANCE WITH THEM!

Idia was lucky that everyone else was more interested in dancing with their partner than Ortho. His eyes snapped back to you, “s-so I guess you wanna-“ he swallowed thickly, eyes shifting to the dance floor. You shrugged, feigning nonchalance and looked ahead. Idia looked back at Ortho, who was pointing wildly at the words. He thought to himself, this is fine. It’s just the mandatory side quest. It’s not fighting the boss. It’s…

It’s charming the love interest. It’s solidifying your route!

Idia steeled himself and forced your hand into his. Your eyes shot to his in surprise, and he walked stiffly to the dance floor. Your hand clasped his, and you both swayed gently to the soft rock from the stage. Your brows furrowed, but Idia locked his gaze onto you, focusing only on you.

Yes, he thought. This is just the player’s pov on the screen, and he was only focusing on the love interest. The other waltzers didn’t exist. The party didn’t exist. It was just you and him.

Meanwhile, you were at a loss for words. While Idia seemed taciturn, you glanced up at the stage. Cater, Kalim, and Lilia were in their own little bubble jamming out, so that wasn’t a lifeline. After a little while of swaying with Idia, you hummed, “I haven’t seen you in a while. Since that day.” Idia’s hands felt clammy, and in the dimmed lights you saw a small pink dusting Idia’s cheeks. You saw him swallow heavily, but he didn’t say a word.

The tension grew between you two, and despite feeling hurt, you felt a little bad. Still, you wanted some answers out of Idia, after the incident in the alchemy room. “Y’know, you never used to be this… odd around me.” Was it the crowd that made him quiet, or… You felt a lump in your throat. Was it you?

Idia’s eyebrows shot up, thinking fast on what to say. Why can't conversations irl have ready-made dialogue?! “I… we c-can talk about wh-whatever you want? I guess?” He tried, kicking himself internally for leaving his tablet with Ortho. You bit the inside of your cheek as you stepped with him, that’ll do for now. “Scarabia parties are a little much, but they’re more pleasant than the Pomefiore mock balls,” you tried “wouldn’t you say?” After an uncomfortable pause, expecting a reply, you mumbled to yourself, “I guess we can stop talking now.”

“...is it like a rule for normies to chat while dancing? Isn’t the act of moving enough?” Idia mumbled in exasperation, hand tightening a little on your own. You bit your lip, your eyes burning. “No, I prefer to not talk to my friends at all and tell them we can’t be friends. It’s so much fun, right?” Idia’s eyes widened, and he scrambled for words, “I- I didn’t mean…” You stopped swaying abruptly, both of your clasped hands in the air. “Why are you here, Idia?”

A chill went through Idia. “T-To be honest, I didn’t even want to come to this stupid IRL dance,” he rushed out, “TBH Ortho had to make me come ‘cause he told me you’d be here-“ “You didn’t want…?” You cut Idia off, heart dropping. The other dancing couples swirled around you, but all the commotion around you felt like nothing more than idle chatter. Hurt flashed in your eyes, and Idia seemed shocked, which made you angry.

“I guess you wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who’s magicless, especially since you have STYX right?”

Idia’s eyes were wider than the Heartslabyul tea saucers. For once, he didn’t have a smart-ass reply. “Um, what? Obvi, I’m kind of stuck with STYX-” You let go of his hand and took a step back, almost bumping into a waltzing couple. “Yeah, wouldn’t want me to mess things up. Make any bad decisions and all that, right?” You felt your eyes water, despite yourself.

Furiously balling a fist and wiping your eyes, “Since you said we wouldnt work out n’stuff.” Idia suddenly remembered everything he’d muttered to himself, from the moment he’d stormed into the room to when he’d left dejectedly. When he’d made his choice and left before you could even get your word in.

Like a coward.

Idia’s heart pounded but shakingly, he reached a hand out to you. “P-prefect, I-I-!” You dodged the crowd, and ran out of Scarabia. You didn’t look back until you crashed through Ramshackle’s door, raced up the stairs, and fell onto your bed, Grim yelping in surprise as you tried your darndest to forget everything that just happened.

Back in Scarabia, Idia somehow stumbled off the dance floor, staggering to a table and breathing heavily. Mentally he replayed everything that just happened. Ortho floated over to him, “Brother? I don’t understand, why would (name) (last name) not accept your feelings?” Ortho went over the footage when he was observing you both dancing, and frowned.

“My senses indicate that based on their body language, they were upset with you. What happened?” Idia swallowed heavily, “I-I said it wouldn’t work out between us c-cuz they don’t have magic,” he stammered, eyes wide, “a-and STYX and-...” Ortho’s eyes widened, then narrowed, “That shouldn’t be a problem! You know that!”

“I meant for them, Ortho.” Idia sighed heavily, sinking into the chair. “I don’t want them to get hurt. Not when…” his mind wandered to Ortho, before NRC. He fell into deep thought. “In the end, I couldn’t even tell them...” He frowned deeply.

Ortho fell quiet, computing. Idia stared at the table, dejected, until Ortho spoke. “You know (Name) (lastname) doesn’t back down easily from a challenge.” That’s true. From playing games with Idia to taking down overblots, you weren’t someone who ran away when it mattered. Maybe that’s why Idia liked you - you were like the protagonists in animes, who found a way to make the world their own.

“You shouldn’t make (name) (last name)’s decision for them.” Idia looked up at his brother. Ortho continued, head angling to the side, Idia shook his head dejectedly, “it won’t work-”

“Your lil’ bro is right, y’know,” Cater walked over, shaking his hair out with his guitar slung over his shoulder. “Sry, I overheard you two,” Cater could piece together what happened. He did see you blow up at Idia (although he couldn’t hear you), and after spamming your phone with no reply after you ran out, now he had an idea of what was going on. “Y’know, if you didn’t tell them how you felt, then how could you know you were making the right choice?”

Idia looked down. Ortho piped up, “Cater Diamond is right.” Idia shut his eyes, then stood up, hands tightening into fists. Cater jumped back as Idia’s hair flared up bright blue, and the Ignihyde housewarden headed straight to the exit. Ortho called out, “thank you, Cater Diamond!” and floated after Idia, “Brother! Wait!”

“Lets go, Ortho,” Idia’s golden eyes steeled in determination, “I can fix this.”

—----

A knock on the door jolted you from your reading of Prejudice and Pride.

It was early morning. Somehow, even though it was the weekend and you’d stayed up all night, you still woke up at an ungodly early hour. After being unable to fall asleep (totally not because of Grim’s snoring and sleep-munching) you decided to go to your living room and read. You were sure that you didn’t have a guest coming, so why would…?

You got up and opened the door, expecting Ace or Deuce or something. The annoyed look on your face turned to shock when you saw Idia standing on your porch. In one hand, he held a bouquet of pomegranate-red roses and some flowers you recognized to be asphodel.

You both stared at each other, unwilling to move. “Idia,” you breathed, “why are you here?” Idia shuffled awkwardly, “I wanted to see you.” You crossed your arms, looking around. “Where’s Ortho?” You were sure the little robot boy made his brother come. Otherwise, why would Idia be here? Idia rubbed the back of his neck, “Ortho isn’t here. I… I wanted to see you,” he repeated.

Wordlessly, he thrust the flowers into your arms, and you wrapped your arm around it instinctively. “I- um,” you looked everywhere but Idia, who was staring at the Ramshackle doorway. “Idia,” you cleared your throat, “about what happened-” “Prefect, I… I wanted to apologize.” Your eyes widened, but Idia continued.

“I… I didn’t mean what I said that day.” Idia looked bashful, face turning pink and the ends of his hair turning a deep blush. He kept talking, rambling on and fighting he urge to grab his tablet and let the device speak for him. “I… really like being friends with you.” The words came out quietly from him, and even though he looked like he wanted to sink into his hoodie, Idia didn’t shirk away.

A lump rose in your throat as you didn’t make eye contact with him, instead playing with the flower bouquet, “I like being friends with you too,” you bit your lip, rubbing an asphodel petal, “I like you, Idia.”

Idia’s eyes widened and went rigid. Both his face and his hair went deep pink. Your own eyes widened at the color, and you felt your face grow hot. So that’s what it meant…? Not anger…?Wordlessly, without thinking, you dropped the bouquet. Your body moved on its own, and you flung yourself at Idia, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and squeezing your eyes shut.

Idia staggered back from the momentum with a squeak, but wrapped his arms around your torso with an iron grip. You gripped his hoodie tightly, finally understanding what had gone on for so long. Your cheek was pressed against his, and despite the early morning chill, you both felt warm.

High above, Ortho hovered in the distance over the tree canopies from afar. He zoomed in on you and Idia, and behind his face mask, he beamed. In midair, he did a heart-shaped loop-de-loop in happiness, and hovered back to Ignihyde.

After a few minutes, you leaned back in Idia’s arms, the both of you chuckling in happy disbelief. You looked up and saw a little blue streak leaving a smoke trail of a heart, and laughed to yourself. Idia turned around, seeing his brother above, a soft reminiscent look on his face.

“…guess Ortho was right.”

~END

——-

Fun fact: the beginning is inspired by idia’s school uniform vignette!!!

Me, while writing this: wow Idia and Cater’s dialogue are unique, they’d be hard to write

Also me: *puts both of them in this fic and suffers*

Writing Idia was SO HARD but I hope I managed to get him right-ish. Trying to balance his reactions with the dialogue was hard 😭

anyway thanks for reading~ please leave a comment/reblog!! <3

Taglist: @cerisescherries, @eclecticprincecollector, @ars-tral, @thehollowwriter, @twst-eeps, @casperandcats, @ttokkisbee, @mitsuriswaifu, @parad-ice-lostandfound, @sad-sie, @moyo5653

(If your user is in bold, I wasn’t able to tag you properly)

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #idia shroud x reader #twst idia #idia shroud #ortho shroud #twst idia shroud #idia x reader #twst Pride and Prejudice AU #ignihyde #calcified writing

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silkysong · 1 year

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ayo do you have any tips on how to like your own art a bit more ? im currently like. my least favorite artist ever and the whole idea of being ur own fav artist is an anomaly to me 😭 either way I'm really happy for you tho !!!! congrats on becoming proud of ur amazing art <33

silkys tips on liking your own art more

stop having unfair expectations, both externally from other ppl and your own. if all your mind can do is doodle and scribble, instead of forcing yourself to work on a big or polished drawing, doodle and scribble away; if you dont feel like drawing a certain subject, draw whatever feels fun. art shouldnt be a chore. and if someone judges you for drawing whatever you want yoy should. ea t them

cringe culture isnt real

EXPERIMENT!!! experiment!!! experiment !! try new things!! new brushes or new effects or new textures or mediums, youd be surprised how many times i hated a work and after trying out new things on it, it actually turned out amazing and i gained more appreciation for it instead of scrapping it and throwing it in the reject pile

DONT compare yourself to anyone else. that one is hard to do, and it might take some time and mental effort to overcome, but once i stopped comparing myself to my favourite artists, and just enjoyed and consumed their art without any other feelings attached to them, i started seeing the same stuff i loved in their art in my OWN art without negatively comparing myself to them....

....which brings me to this point. seek artists you love and dont stop yourself from becoming inspired by them and their style. i wouldnt be here today if i didnt constantly gush over a cool subject, composition, design, colour choices, etc etc. every artstyle is unique and made from countless other artstyles which in turn are made from even more countless other artstyles and i find that beautiful <3

these worked for me at least, hope one (or more) of these can help someone out there!! its possible to love your own art and its a wonderful feeling i think everyone on this damn earthe should experience

#ask

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master-of-stupidity · 2 months

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Fuck it gonna put all my Tangled rants into a single thread that I'll just continue on if needed-

Oldest to newest btww (also spoilers most of these r about Eugene btw ik ik I'm a lil autistic spare me 💀)

That one part of Bruno is Orange but Eugene coded-

"Did you hear about that Father

Sent his own infant son away

And said "It's to *dangerous* for

you to stay so, I had to *save* you" "

I may be cringe but I am FREE

Yo omg ok so my brother is singin a Into the Woods song while I look at Tangled stuff n it made me remember a scene from the play where Gothel yells at the Prince "Rapunzel can think for herself!" n like- dude Cass said the same thing in Cassandra's Revenge to Eugene! Ooo girlll-

The way I would kill so many ppl if it meant getting a series about Lance n Eugene as kids like broooo imagineee-

Its crazy how like I'll be enjoying my day than suddenly I'll see a post of a mf going "Hey what if Eugene thought he was a yr younger cuz he was like a rlly scrawny kid?" Yeah ok sure n what if I hit u with a *metal pole*

My tangled ocs r so random its hilarious- like it goes from a bodyguard,a greedy businessman,a ringleader,n than that one serial killer who turns ppl into meat pies like how did we get here???? 😭🙏

I just remembered like just a few days ago my brother randomly said "vase" while playing Fortnite n my ass just said "vAHse" just to fck w/ him n like that kinda reminded me of that one scene of Eugene n Cass like damn they were sibling coded frrr lmao I miss em

Wdym there was a scrapped Eugene n Lance childhood episode??🧍And WDYM it's literally everything I ever wished for and more???????? 😃

Would love to see Eugene n Martin Kratt interact solely to see Martin be appalled n slowly lose his mind over how Eugene knows jackshit about animals 💀🙏

I think the Eugene genderbends look so weird to me because none of them kept the infamous goatee like cmon man don't be a coward give that girl some facial hair 🗣🗣

I should not be relating Heather's music to scenes from Tangled the Series yet here we r 😭

Omggg thinking about how Eugene proposing to Rapunzel in tts came from his abandonment issues n him literally not being able to see a life without Rapunzel omgg shut upppp leave me ALONEEE

Literally despise with every fiber of my being how the writers of the shitty Wreck it Ralph 2 movie had fcking RAPUNZEL of all ppl say "Do ppl assume all ur problems were solved just because a big strong man showed up?" They fcking HATEE the movie Tangled *so much* bro istggg

OMFG THE VOICE OF KING FREDRIC FROM TANGLED IS MR. FCKING KRABS WHAT?????

The way I wanna be bold n talk more about the "Over the Corona Walls" ep- esp about Staylan n Eugene n all the icky implications of that but I'm also so scared too cuz I fear ppl won't take me seriously or think I'm overanalyzing too much 😭🙏

Lowkey not over the fact Eugene was willing to trap himself back in an abusive relationship, "leaving" the one person he HAS died for n would die for again, all to save his best friend like bro don't TALK TO MEEEE

As u can tell I am totally normal n not at all ill about Eugene or this show 😁

What if I gave Eugene like- slight wedding trauma after the whole "Beyond the Corona Walls" incident??? I think it'd be kinda cool n in character ngll 🤭🤭

No but that prompt for the unaired Lance n Eugene episode STILL makes me so fcking ill bro stg can't STAND those mfss bro 😭😭

"And if I gave up on being *pretty* I wouldn't know how to be ALIVE" is SO Eugene coded idc idc idccccc

You think if I put Eugene Fitzherbert in The Amazing Digital Circus he'd be a walking dumpster fire considering he needs an identity to function n in TADC u like- quite literally don't have one??? 💀

Was listening to an audio last night n now I kinda wish we knew like- what Eugene's mom was actually *like* in a way considering I don't think her character was ever explored :((

Why is this plushie literally Eugene Fitzherbert omgg I want it nowwww

To the ppl who only see others as their pfps lowkey rlly hope y'all just see me as jester Eugene Fitzherbert cuz that'd be rlly funny n I'd love that 💀🙏 like yes I truly am just Eugene in a jester fit yappin my ass off on twitter dot com LMFAOOO (btw follow me @/theratbatjester)

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snailsgoingdowntown · 2 years

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Dirty Little Secret | Xiao x Camgirl! Reader

College au that’s also kind of friends with benefits au.

Summary: He found out your secret. And you’re pushing aside your dignity to keep his mouth shut.

Warnings: blackmail, Xiao being an ass. Like. Damn. I wanted to punch him my self and I’m the one who wrote this. Threats of physical violence, xiao trying to make himself not look like an ass.

Nsfw warnings: Protected vaginal sex, fingering, oral (m receiving), riding, cowgirl position, implied dubcon the first time they almost do it a + when they actually do it the first time. it’s only mentioned though. Loss of virginity

Please tell me if I missed any warnings.

To be honest, I gave up halfway. I’m not really… satisfied with the end result. I could do better, I should do better, but sadly I’m not sure if I can even redo this. Like, the plot is kinda weird and the reader goes from ‘Fuck u” to “fuck me” during certain parts. Idk, it’s just weird.

Minors and ageless blogs dni unless you want to be blocked.

This blog contains dark content, so if you don’t like that, then don’t interact with me or my post(s). or I will block you if you have some shit on your dni like “dni if you support dc cuz that means you really do want ppl to get raped irl”. I have seen that shit too many times in today alone, and they had the gal to follow me.

For @ayatonomy Girls on Film Collab!

Thank you for letting me join and I hope you enjoy this!

I forgot to check the wc before adding all the warnings and notes. Sorry about that.

Unedited.

---

You had options.

You had choices that could either make it or ruin it. And if you were being brutally honest, both options were awful. Extremely awful, extremely fucked up and thus, made you distracted from your day-to-day life. After all, how could you concentrate on anything when the knowledge that someone you knew in real life, in the flesh, was holding your dirty little secret over your head like bait for a fish.

He had you, completely and brutally. And you weren’t sure what he had against you, what drove him to dig into those accounts deep enough to find yours. To take screen shots and screen record the videos you posted on it, face out of angle, the camera showing only from the breasts down majority of the time.

Despite your best efforts to hide your face, you had made a single but big mistake – in one of your videos, one of the earlier ones, you forgot to hide the recognizable trinkets that were in your room. Your dorm room rather, only preforming these perverted acts when your roommate is either at class or too busy to be in the room.

You managed to keep it a secret from her, you think. And, if by chance she did know (which is extremely likely) she’s either too embarrassed to say anything about it, or simply doesn’t care. She never alluded to it, however.

So, saying she does know about your… ‘streams’, you can’t say for sure she was the one who told Xiao, or not. Logically speaking, you could ask her… at the risk of telling her what was once a hidden secret. You’re not sure if she knows or if she doesn’t know.

When Xiao first came to you, one hand in his hoodie, the other holding his phone, you thought it was nothing. He didn’t say anything at first, simply staring hard at the screen. But he was blocking your way out of the library.

So, of course, you politely asked him to move. And he did, without uttering a word of rejection or apology. He just stayed quiet.

Until he spoke, words stabbing into you like a steaming knife.

“Didn’t know you were that perverted. Streaming yourself doing lewd things… fucking yourself with a dildo and even saying things they paid you to say. Surprised you didn’t show your face since you were already showing everything else off.”

Freezing in place, you couldn’t find any words. Even now, as the memory resurfaces, you cringe at yourself. You delayed your reply – hell, you didn’t even have to reply. But you were shocked and horrified, and before you knew it, you said something.

You don’t remember what exactly you said, but it was something along the lines of ‘What do you mean? I don’t have an OnlyFans account.”

“I never mentioned OnlyFans.”

And that was mistake number two. You’re not sure which mistake was worse – leaving recognizable objects in sight or letting your mouth run on auto pilot. Maybe they were both equally bad.

And from there…. From there, he just looked at you. Teal dyed hair bright under the library lights, golden eyes sharper than usual. He stared at you, and you stared back, time slowing down. You remember the way you couldn’t breathe, the way he just… stood there.

“You could have played it off. But you didn’t, so all you did was confirmed my suspicions.”

No matter, you wanted to say. You wanted to attempt to at least laugh it off and say he played around too much. That you didn’t know he could be such a jokester.

And so, your dirty secret was revealed under the bright, bright lights that suddenly felt a little too bright. And of course, he followed through with the classic blackmail. It reminded you of a manga you read, once.

Where the male lead blackmailed the girl into pretending to date him so his parents could get off his back. But with time, they started to genuinely fall for each other.

But this wasn’t a manga. There was no particular reason he chose you, nor did it make any sort of sense. Because he didn’t want to tell you, enjoying the way you squirm under pressure. Xiao wasn’t madly in love or even obsessed with you, as you would later find out. He just so happened to come across your account due to one of his friends showing him, and the body type just reminded him of you.

So, he dug a bit deeper, gross curiosity getting to him.

Granted, he knows what he’s doing, what he did, was extremely wrong, but since he already had the information, might as well use it, right?

He knew your dirty little secret and you opened yourself for attack. You want to blame him, and he wants to blame you.

You remember the way the corner of his lip lifted the tiniest bit as he held back a smirk. Even now, the memory of it makes your blood run cold.

“Would be a shame if your family, or even the school were to find out about this. Could get expelled, probably. And your poor family… they would be really disappointed, wouldn’t they?” he showed you the phone screen, your OnlyFans displayed. You tried to swipe his phone, moving towards Xiao only to trip over yourself.

And by the Devil, you fell onto him, chest pressed against his, Xiao stumbling a bit back into the door frame. And just like that, you decided that you despised him. Not because of the boner he was uncomfortable with himself, but because he had whispered into your ear after the shock wore off.

“Didn’t think you would throw yourself at me like this. That desperate to hide your dirty little secret?”

And back to the present, you had two options.

Option one: Tell your parents, your friends, that you were a cam girl to get a bit more pocket money.

Option two: Admit defeat and go to him with your tail tucked between your legs.

Both were horrible because option one would obviously well, ruin your life. Your parents would be disappointed in you and probably regret having you, and your friends would start to look at you differently. And who’s to say that your male friends won’t tease you for it?

Or even try to convince you to sleep with them.

Option two… option two, you don’t know how it would play out. You don’t know what he has in mind, if he’ll ask for money or for sex. Not sure if he would record a video of you doing something humiliating.

But if you don’t choose the options he gave you, he would reveal it to all.

You sigh, closing your eyes. Everything was a mess. Everything was… awful. And you’re not sure how to fix it or even how to sooth it over. Could you convince him?

You had an idea. An idea that probably won’t hit him (Or if it did, he didn’t think much of it, probably wanting you to suffer more) until you brought it up.

Another idea, adding to your original one. Would it work in the long one? You’re not sure. But considering who his father was – Zhongli, a former CEO of… you forgot what, honestly* - he would most likely want to avoid a scandal.

Hopefully.

With that in mind, you stand from your desk and text him, his unsaved number still in your phone from three weeks ago. From when all of this started.

Xiao was not… good with people. He wasn’t social, his friend group small and tight. Even then, they don’t know everything about him. But he doesn’t know everything about them, either. Secrets were surrounding everyone, everyone had something to hide. Him included.

And he was surprised to find out your own secret.

He came across your OnlyFans by chance. Happened to have a ‘friend’ (a classmate really, only sticking around to have Xiao tutor him without many complaints) who was subscribed to your account. And, attempting to get on Xiao’s good side, showed what was displayed on screen.

His eyes glanced over what was shown, not paying too much attention. Until he saw it. A very specific tee-shirt. A teddy bear that was on the bed in the background, grey covers with pink circle patterns. And… he remembers that mole on your thigh, accidently looking up your skirt when you were walking up the stairs with thigh highs.

The tee-shirt was a birthday present from Venti, he thinks, and like an idiot, you left it hanging from the edge of the bed. The teddy bear had a brown bow and was grey in color – a gift from Lumine, no doubt. Because he was dragged to your birthday part last year when you were still freshmen.

And the reason he recognized your bed covers was because your roommate – Lumine - dragged him into your dorm room, wanting help to move furniture once. But, he thought, it could have been someone else. Maybe they had a similar room. The same mole in the same place, even.

Now, he would be lying if he said he didn’t have perverted thoughts of you. About you.

Hiking your skirt up as he takes you from behind, your moans being muffled by his covers as Venti was away for classes. Sucking his cock, all wet and messy as drool covers his length. Riding him like your life depends on it – he had those thoughts on lonely nights.

But he also had those thoughts about other girls too, or even porn stars whenever he was too pent up. And those thoughts were few and between, too busy with classes or work, not enough time to even fantasize about fucking a girl, let alone get a girlfriend.

He wasn’t one for romance to begin with, causal one-night stands that happened once in a blue moon if he had the chance and was in the mood. So, he wasn’t in love with you. didn’t even talk to you outside of politeness or forced into it by a third party.

But Xiao was also a scumbag.

The moment he saw the account, his curiosity took over. So, like a reasonable and normal member of society, subscribed to you with a different gmail once he got back to his dorm. He whistled at the price – twenty dollars per month. Alright, he guessed.

He has to respect the hustle.

He had scrolled through your videos and pictures, finally finding the video his classmate showed him. Originally, he thought it was fairly recent. He was proven wrong when he looked at the posting date.

You had posted the video five months ago. Upon scrolling down further, he found that it was your third video. You started five months ago, it seems, still amateurish at the time for obvious reasons. He should have left it there. But then he got more curious.

What would be your reaction if you found out Xiao knew about this?

He was mutual friends with your friends and met your parents at your birthday party. And well, you could be gullible at times. Not naïve, but gullible. And besides… it would… be nice to sleep with you, just once.

It’s been the only thing on his mind ever since he discovered your account.

And well, if you decide to play along, he’ll leave you be afterwards. As long as this was kept between you two only.

It’ll become your new dirty little secret.

And even if you said no… he would find something else to hold over your head. The choice was yours honestly. While it’s preferable, he won’t force you into sex. He would probably make you… do something else.

Like cleaning… no, that’s not a good idea. Probably have you do his homework for like a month or so. You’re better in English then he is anyway.

He’ll figure it out later. Something that won’t last long and wasn’t severe, and you two can say goodbye as soon as you graduate. Never to see each other again.

As much as he would like to fuck you if given the chance, he won’t chase after you if you said no. Truth be told, he was, more or less, using this as a form of entertainment. And once he had his fill, he would disappear just like that.

He knows you will too.

You couldn’t find it in you to hit send. The message was left as a draft, forever staying in the little bar. It could be used as evidence if someone were to ever look into your phone. Which is why you never used your phone to record your streams in the first place. It’s the most private thing a person could have these days.

Which is why you found yourself standing in front of his dorm room, the outfit you wore different from your usual wardrobe under a light coat. Long enough to cover majority of it, fishnet tights and heels on.

It was a holiday and most of the students were off to visit family, The college was basically a ghost town. And venti was gone for the week.

Xiao made a point in telling you that he was going to stay in the dorms.

You think he won’t expect this. He probably thinks you wouldn’t go for this approach. And that’s for the better, camera in hand as you gather the courage to finally knock on the door. You wait for a bit, only for nothing to happen.

Granted, you should have probably texted him. But that could have been risky. Then again, this was probably riskier because anyone could see the security cameras and they would see you go into Xiao’s room. And the fact you won’t leave for at least an hour, maybe less, maybe more, would give them the impression

And despite all that, you were still taking the chance.

Truthfully, in order to even do this, you had to… prepare yourself. A low setting that couldn’t be heard and was barely even felt due to your nerves.

“Fuck… why am I even doing this…,” taking in a deep breath, you knock again. only silence is returned, still holding in your breath. You let it go after a few more seconds, unable to hold it for any longer. Nervous, you fiddle with the camera.

Did he lie to you?

Or maybe he was asleep?

Gone out for a bit?

So many possibilities that cross your mind in the blink of an eye. You bite your lip, scared now. Worried. Not sure if he would show up or if he was even in his room.

Everything and anything was going through your mind, circling like a dog chasing its tail. Despite the chaotic state of your mind, you didn’t pace back and forth, instead standing in place. The only thing moving ere your hands, fidgeting with the camera.

Your thoughts were coming in waves, and you were drowning in them.

“…llo? Hey?”

Jumbled words leave your mouth in a scream, head snapping in the direction of the voice. To your right, there stands Xiao, hair slightly messy, hoodie and sweatpants adorning his figure. Heart still pounding a hundred miles per second, your camera drops to the ground as your hands clasp on your chest. You never understood why people often huff and pant in movies whenever they recover from a scare. Until now.

It really did feel like you were out of breath.

“Oh… oh, it’s you…” a sigh as your body finally relaxes, momentarily forgetting the reason you were here. Forgetting the entire situation, the reason why you were dressed in such an embarrassing outfit in the first place. Instead, only relief fills your system at the fact it’s just him.

Confusion colors his face, a bag of snacks hanging off his arm, hands in pocket. He wants to say something, question why you were here, but doesn’t. instead, he lets you recover from your fright, staring at you. He takes in your appearance.

A beige overcoat that stops just below the knees, fishnet tights covering your legs. Heels that made you a few inches taller. And then his eyes travel upwards… to see the bunny ears. Bunny ears. Fucking bunny ears.

This was supposed to be Christmas, not Halloween.

But then his eyes drop back to the ground, camera catching his attention. You brought along a camera. For what? To take pictures? Ah.

You must be doing cosplay –

“I swear to God that if you think I’m doing cosplay I will throttle you.” crossing your arms, you raise a brow. Sure, he barely – if ever – spoke to girls willingly. But he was attractive enough to gather some attention from themselves, yourself included for freshman year.

Surely, surely, he’s not dense enough to not realize the situation at hand, right?

Or maybe he was in denial because he was such a virgin.

“Um…,” your face and neck start to feel warm, remembering why you were here. You become meek, unable to look him in the eye. The camera catches your eye and as such, you squat down, knees close together and then you stand again. You fiddle with it.

“I… um… are you going anywhere today?”

“No,” he hides a yawn behind his hand, “I’m not. I was planning on… wait, why are you asking?”

You want to throttle him. You can’t tell if he was in a daze, the bags under his eye making him half-dead. Or if he was teasing you, about to embarrass you in some form. But from the way he carried himself, so lax and unbothered, tired even – like he himself forgot the blackmail he found.

You want to keep quiet, to say sorry that you showed up ‘without reason’. To tuck your tail between your legs and laugh it off once you were alone. But just because he doesn’t remember it now – probably due to the supposed lack of sleep judging from the dark circles under his eyes – doesn’t mean he has forgotten it completely.

You dig your heels in.

You were taking a risk. And, disgustingly so, the risk almost seemed…

“Well… I think it’s better if I explain inside your room. If you’re okay with me going in, of course.” Roleplay. You try to think of this as some roleplay.

The thought only works so much, but enough to where you can feel the vibrations. Still on the lowest setting, prepping you.

You hate the fact you had to get yourself wet, at least a bit, beforehand.

Xiao doesn’t say anything, raising a brow with unsaid questions. But with a shrug, he walks to the door, right by you. The floral scent hits him the moment he gets near you. It’s light and even soft. He takes another look at you while fishing out the dorm key from his pocket.

He didn’t notice that you slightly curled your hair the first time. Nor did he notice the eyeliner and mascara, a nice shade of red on your lips. He blinks.

Suddenly, he doesn’t feel as tired anymore.

You’re left in confusion when he goes from s taring at you to violently turning his head away. At first you thought you had offended him in some manner – only to see the tips of his ears turn red.

You were still scared. Nervous. Wary. But it seems like he got the idea, finally realized your intentions. Realized why you showed up at his door at fucking 6 in the morning. Granted, you should have hit send. You were lucky he was even awake at this hour.

“Next… next time you do something like this, doesn’t matter with who, make sure to tell him ahead of time…,” he mumbles, not expecting an answer. Like it was supposed to be under his breath, but he said it louder then intended.

Heavy silence falls over you. Heart racing in your chest, you go in before him as he holds the door for you. He goes in after you. Gulping once he locks the door, legs shaking.

Half of you thought he would laugh at you, mock you – degrade you. That there were hidden cameras in his room, that maybe Venti had stayed behind and was waiting for this moment. To catch you on camera and call you a whore, post the video on a livestream.

The other part half expected him to throw you on the bed like a rag doll.

You tried to prepare yourself for both possibilities mentally. Quietly, like a meek mouse, you take a look around his room.

Two beds, one on each side of the dorm. A gaming computer with a few empty bottles of energy drinks, a slightly messy bed that’s colored with hues of white and purple. Posters of horror movies and video games. It was Xiao’s side of the room, because on the other side, it’s… neater. Like the person hasn’t been there for a good while.

Unlived in.

And Venti, you had learned, is a somewhat messy person. Messier than Xiao, by a glance of his side.

“Um… nice… nice room,” you complement stiffly, the awkward silence cutting and suffocating you. The same could be said for you as he mumbles out a thanks, not making an effort to make you feel more at ease. Maybe because he wasn’t exactly at ease himself.

“So,” you start, swallowing your fears down your throat, turning around to look at him. “So, you… know why I’m here, right?” Your hands feel clammy, the camera close to breaking with the iron grip you have on it.

By now, there was a rush roaring through your veins. Could this be considered taboo?

“Yeah… Sorry for uh…, thinking it was cosplay. I… didn’t think you would uh, do this, ya know?” His eyes look at anything that’s not you. A red hue that’s slowly blooming across his cheeks as lewd thoughts cross his mind no doubt.

You almost found it cute.

Almost.

“I mean… it’s not like you’re black mailing me or anything,” a bite to your words, trying to sound playful. Trying to sound confident, in a way. You’d rather him apologize for blackmailing you.

You’re confused on what and how you should feel.

Maybe he is too.

“Ah… yeah. Listen,” he walks towards you, placing his hands on your shoulders. Away from any possible ‘accidents’ that could happen if his hands travel any lower. Any higher and he might kiss you.

“Listen,” he repeats before taking in a breath. “I… I’m not… I’m not going to force you to have sex with me. I won’t lie and say the idea didn’t cross my mind. truthfully, I didn’t think you’d do… well,” he gestures to you with his eyes, “this.”

“Then what did you think I’d do? Better yet, what did you plan on doing?” one hand abandons the camera, now griping onto his arm. Your nails dig into his sweater, fingers twitching. It’s amazing, how quickly someone’s emotions could change.

“Did you plan on taking pictures, perhaps? It’s not forcing me into sex, right? Oh, maybe you’ll film me so you could have masturbation material – not that you would need any, considering you’re fucking subscribed to my account.”

“Hey, you’re the one who decided to make it in the first place- “

You cut him off, so pissed that he could feel your fist hitting his face already despite your hands pushing him away instead. The camera falls to the floor.

“And so, what if I did? That doesn’t give you the right to use that against me. Me having that account doesn’t make me any less of a person. And it sure as hell doesn’t give you an excuse to try to use me while using that as blackmail.”

The newfound silence isn’t awkward. It’s heavy and hot, burning every inch of your skin. It burns, it suffocates, it stabs. The confusion you felt earlier, unsure if the ‘rush’ you felt was genuine or if you were tricking yourself. That confusion was still there but buried underneath the anger that’s brought to the surface.

You had a point, he thinks.

But he never said he was a good person, he never said that he would tell people. He just phased it in a way you thought that he could. But he never said he would.

And maybe that makes everything worse.

He knows he’s an ass – a person using blackmail for entertainment. Not like he could say that now though, not when you’re seconds away from choking him.

“… I’m not sure what you want me to say. Sorry? Do you want me to say sorry? We both know that won’t do anything here, and even if I really am sorry, it doesn’t take away what I’ve already done.”

He’s confused too.

It was a fucked-up situation.

“I wish I never met you.”

He wasn’t in love with you. Didn’t have a crush on you. Didn’t even see you as a close friend.

But he would be lying if he said those words didn’t hurt. Because you had whispered them so quietly it was almost impossible to hear. Because it looked like you were about to cry and scream. Because it just reminded him of how awful he is.

He doesn’t chase after you when you stomped away, slamming his door shut only for it to bounce open as a result. He doesn’t even look in the direction of the doorway.

The only thing he looks at is the camera, all alone on the floor.

The slides on the screen don’t make sense. Formulas that look like a different language dance across the screen as your professor goes to the next slide. You twirl the pencil between your fingers, a distraction that could potentially hold you back from passing the class.

It was a new semester.

A new year, rather, your senior year in college. How many months that passed since the… incident, you don’t know. You just know that if there is a God, then they despise you. extremely so.

To your right, a single desk in the other row, sits him. Xiao.

And he just seems as bored, if not more than you. Flipping the pages of the textbook, the chattering of the rest of the class as they converse with the professor. Questions being asked, answers being given. Yet here you are, wondering if you could throttle him just a bit.

He never revealed your secret.

As a matter of fact, the only time he talked to you outside of classes that required teamwork, as when he asked for help to unsubscribe to your account because the both the site and app hated him, apparently.

And also, because he completely forgot he was even subscribed in the first place for a good few months, face paling the moment he realized his card was being charged, the fact that he even forgot something so important.

And that was months ago.

And now, in the present, you had two classes with him out of four. Two classes where awkward glances and stiffed words are exchanged solely inside the classroom. Two classes where you have to resist the urge to throttle him, to cry and scream and ask him if he was planning on blackmailing, again.

You never do.

And neither does he.

Instead, when the class ends on a somber note, you gather your things and walk past him. His desk was at the back of the room, one of the closest to the door. Across from you by a few feet. And of course, per usual, you couldn’t help the curious look in your eye as you accidently made eye contact.

He’s the first one to look away, shoving his things into his bag before getting up himself. His shoulder brushes against yours when you both try to walk through the door.

“Excuse me.” Curt. Strained. Nervous all the same.

He became nervous around you. Maybe there was some guilt, but you could never tell. Instead, you’re left guessing why he kept his mouth shut for months on end. The ideas you come up with were never good, always ending with a bad ending for you. You had good reason to not trust him.

And he had good reason to fear you, in a sense.

Good reason to lock the door whenever you come by the camera you left behind filming the lewd acts you perform on him. Faces out of view or completely blurred out, his bed sheets changed, and posters removed.

The blowjobs that leave him panting and fingers clawing into his covers. Lipstick stains that covered his cock and had smudged traces left on his lips. The bunny suit you wore as you ride him, whispering in his ear as sweetly as you could.

I’m willing to take you down with me.

There were times where you consider letting go of the entire ordeal. Of deleting your account, putting the whole thing behind you. Behind the both of you, the videos deleted, and polaroid photos burned. Yet the rush becomes your drug.

His drug.

There wasn’t any sort of romance blooming between you. Only lust, pure canal lust, lips dancing against each other, saliva being shared. Fingers that tug and pull at dyed hair, fingers that scissor and curl inside you, moans and squeals that are muffled against either his lips or his pillow. You’re drowning in each other, waves of physical pleasure that starts to burn the longer you go at it.

The longer you keep it up.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this, really. You didn’t plan on going back to him, didn’t plan to kiss him, didn’t plan on blowing him until he couldn’t think straight and ended up swallowing his cum.

Not that he complained, just… worried. In a way where he kept asking if you wanted to do this, if you were under some effect of a drug, if you were drunk…

You only wanted your camera back.

But it led to the creaking of the bed, nervous touches that linger on your skin. He was a virgin – you had to show him how to touch someone. How to touch you, how to finger you until you couldn’t take it anymore, how to put a condom on properly.

But that was months ago, now.

“You really are… something,” he mumbles against your skin, rolling his hips against yours, cock sheathed inside your very welcoming cunt. You were wearing the outfit you had on the first time you ever went to his dorm. The bunny girl outfit.

Fishnets ripped at the crotch area, bunny tail bouncing with your movements. His bed creaks, and you’re almost certain the people next door can hear it. After all, they saw you go into his room tonight. And who goes to a guy’s room at 9 at night?

It was obvious, what was happening.

“Ah… you are too. Mmh… you’re lucky I don’t plan on uploading this video.”

He grunts, burying his face into the crook of your neck. The smell of your shampoo makes him feel like he’s drunk. So does your perfume, floral surrounding him. His room always smells like you now, and it also contains some of your belongings. Shirts, panties, make up, snacks – little things that remind him of you. And the same goes for you.

You still have his hoodie, green in color, draped over the backrest of your chair.

You were both lucky to have the same roommates as last year. People who don’t have questions. People who keep their mouths shut.

There wasn’t any romance blooming between you two. No looks of adoration nor love. You were more than ‘friends’ but also less than that. Your relationship was complicated, confusing. You’re not even sure if this’ll continue after graduation.

Part of you wants it to. It – he – was your drug, and you were his.

“Consider it a birthday gift.”

He replies with,

“It’ll be our dirty little secret.”

#genshin smut #xiao smut #genshin x reader #xiao x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact xiao x reader #genshin impact #xiao

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olderthannetfic · 8 months

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I've been going thru your and other ppl's posts on fujocourse and women's sexy media about men fucking vs gay men's sexy media about men fucking, and I was wondering if you've seen the movie "Fire Island"? I really thought it straddled that line in pretty curious ways. Like, it's a modernized Pride and Prejudice AU, and there's nothing more female-fannish and tumblr-ready than anything Pride and Prejudice, but it also carries the raunchy, uncompromising sort of sex-positivity that (modern) fandom circles would cringe away from, and depict a lot of gay man culture and behavior that fandom circles would declare "fetishistic stereotypes! no real gay man ever, real gay men want to be married with kids! no kink at pride!". And yet it manages to land all of it, combined with a sweet shmoopy romcom ending of Mr Darcy And Lizzie But Gay Dudes sharing that true love's kiss in the end. I really enjoyed it, and I enjoyed thinking about how outraged it would make certain fandom circles, while gay men reacting to the movie on youtube thought it was nice but too meta about the culture and not sexy enough.

Ofc The Gay Movie of the year in fandom is Red White and Royal Blue because that book and movie are factory made and assembled for fandom (has hollywood finally figured it out, bc if so they're bound to make a TON of money out of movies like that), but I thought it would be interesting to check out Fire Island as like, a control group thing.

I haven't seen it. Sounds cute.

There are certainly gay dude-made movies that have some overlap with BL-y type spaces. Latter Days comes to mind.

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eclaire-went-bam · 2 months

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i'm gonna post this here bcs initially i posted it to cf on instagram but frankly i have too many cfs who don't know i'm Disordered™ in this way LMAO

this isn't a super emotional vent & shouldn't have any triggers However it is a super annoyed one

i think i try too often to be "silly" scary & mean & Obviously i don't Actually Try to be either of those, i just like being annoying. i find i do this automatically with "friends" who aren't an ep — if everyone else leaves and i'm stuck with just an ep, i suddenly act like a normal person again LMAO

but anyways point is: in this act, i act really stupid on purpose. i act like a cartoon character. i'm a creature of Show✨. i often make subtle jokes abt murder & stuff that'd probably be seen as angsty teenager cringe. i tease people in a very well-meaning but annoying way. this is my persona that has been established in these circles. i want to make it clear, people do not get offended when i'm like this & when they do i make sure to ask about it & apologise bcs that's ~Healthy~ & at the end of the day they usually seem to really enjoy the way i act (some ppl actually seem to enjoy the attention from teasingly psychoanalysing them A Bit Too Much haha)

but SOMETIMES someone takes the act a bit too seriously?? thinking i'm actually Trying to be mean or threatening or whatevs??? & goes "ur gonna have to try harder than that!! it's not working!!!!" and i'm like okaaaayyyyy big boy

& then i actually do what they say & suddenly it hits a wound a bit too deep. just one single sentence.

this just happened 2 days ago & i get it but idk maybe don't get too proud when it's clear it's just fun&games (the same fun&games as Always) & then get shocked.

frankly, i will not feel bad

& i often don't even realise what is “too far” (it's either probably the autism or the low empathy + egocentrism = i wouldn't be hurt if someone said it to me, so why would others?) most times so maybe don't make it a competition bcz then my narc brain Will compete & then try to make me feel bad abt it

me when i'm in friend groups where i constantly intentionally do & say things so everyone thinks i'm stupid & then i act like i'm not for once ;;;

listen. i may not feel guilty for my actions. i may even think you're Unwise for making your ticks so obvious & then proceeding to act like they aren't. however i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't make it some competition that you can't be scared or offended when you very clearly Can Be, you just think you can't be by me bcs you think a cute little afab like wittle ole me is incapable. & then it all gets soooo awkward afterwards even when i try to apologise but they keep going on abt how it was Too Far and That Hurt & when they finally stop they're just awkwardly quiet until they leave

i can understand getting competitive like this & doing whatever necessary to "win" is not a healthy trait & is probably a result of x y & z npd stuff & yes i did feel very ugly when they started belittling me out of Nowhere but idkkk right now i'm just annoyedddd

usually if someone gets like that i have an ep w/ me who knows i'm a narc i can dm to tell them what i Wanted to say & they can laugh w me (sometimes just acting stupid with others but in the know with an ep makes the feeling go away without actually needing to risk doing anything toxic) but they weren't there this time </222

#npd vent #cluster b #cluster b things #npd #narcissistic personality disorder #bpd #borderline personality disorder #-> i dont have these but this might be a general cluster b shared experience kinda thing idk #hpd #histrionic personality disorder #aspd #antisocial personality disorder #long post #idk maybe

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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I kind of want to start using noun pronouns but I feel like it's not really something a 26 year old does.

Like on the one hand I don't (want to) give a shit about what other people think, if they think it's "weird" or "cringe" they can think that.

On the other, and maybe it's just cause I haven't looked hard enough or whatever, but a lot of the uncommon pronouns or genders feel like they're coming mostly from teenagers, or that like mostly teens identify with these and it's just kind of a struggle to find like-minded people or like idek where to start finding them.

I know I'm nowhere near queer elder aged but it would be nice to see people my age or older using these identities and words.

you know, i wanted to say from the bottom of my heart, deeply, that i am sorry that you have been made to feel that way, i know like. the way people act online and talk to one another can be very hostile so i get that it can be scary. you don't have to stop having fun and enjoying things after 25 though. life doesn't have to stop being fun once u hit 30. the idea of "weird identity = young person / person who only exists online," is a tactic used by shitty ppl to dismiss less common identities as non existent/less important to pit queer ppl against one another and as a way to aggressively pretend we don't exist at all

normally i try extremely hard to be nebulous about things but i am older than that and i use zie/hir, it/its, ey/em, xe/xem, fae/faer and fey/feyr, pup/pups, the dog and wolfself pronouns, and identify as nonbinary, a boydyke, lesboy, genderqueer, androgyne, transfemasc, dykefag, a lesbian who is partially a man, demiguy, demigirl, and so on. i have a friend in their 30s who uses fae/faer pronouns, another friend in their 30s who identifies as a demigirl, and a lot more friends who are older who identify with "weird" identities. i know so many people in their 30s and 40s who identify as bigender, polygender, hell, even catgender, spacegender...

it's not something that's isolated to youth, i promise. you don't have to feel like you have to stop having fun with your identity or just literally being yourself once you hit a certain age barrier. you're allowed to do that for yourself, i promise. take care, stay safe, good luck in your journey. you will find these things don't rly fade with age ppl just tell you that

#asks #answers #neopronouns #nounself pronouns #noun pronouns #positivity

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tau1tvec · 1 year

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hey, maybe you have some advice..but how do you make your gameplay pictures so beautiful? The colours, your sims faces don't look awkward even if they aren't posed, the interior/setting always matches the vibe. Your game looks so so beautiful! Every time I'm playing for fun and take screenshots I feel good. But then I see all those posts on my dash and begin to feel bad about my own.. I want to make my game look magical too. You inspire me to play the game again, every one of your posts is so magical to me and also captures the beauty of gameplay itself. Sorry if this is too much/confusing

Okay, I’m gonna use this ask as an opportunity to be real with you, and anyone else who’s reading who also needs to hear this.

I know it’s common for everyone who’s asked this to be like, “oh no nonny, don’t do that, don’t compare your stuff to other ppl’s stuff, you’re fine the way you are,” and that’s all well meaning and sweet, but sadly this is the real world and society sucks. ✨

Despite how good it is to hear that what and how you do things shouldn’t matter, it doesn’t change the fact that social media doesn’t really care about that, and isn’t built around that mindset. In general, not comparing yourself or your work to others is incredibly difficult to do. Even I do it occasionally, impenetrable self-esteem isn’t a thing, it’s something that’s fragile and easily broken, sometimes without our ever even knowing until it’s too late. So I realized the best way to look at it, is to remove some of the negativity from it.

Controversial take, as a creative, comparing your work to others doesn’t always have to be a downer experience… it can be good, and enlightening even. The great thing about consuming media is that it can do so much for us, the appreciator, like bring us joy, bring us sadness, start a conversation, or stir inspiration, that last bit especially.

Lean into those inspirations, and no I don’t just mean other sims content. Rewatch your favorite old movies, replay your favorite old games, start a Pinterest board, go through some old family photos, create a Spotify playlist that transports you somewhere you’d rather be. Examine them, study them, focus on the colors, the lighting, the textures, there’s formulas in all kinds of media, even your mom’s old Polaroids, aim to create your own.

Learning is a never-ending journey. You can never learn enough about anything. There are so many tutorials on YouTube, and hell, even on here, if you feel like you’ve got somewhere you can improve, don’t be ashamed to do so, and change is good, bc the great thing about change is that you can do it again, and again, and that’s totally okay. Don’t be set in your ways when it comes to content creativity, it’s too beautiful a hobby for there to be any one way to be.

I think the one reason why I love Simblr so much over all other sims communities, is bc everyone here does things their own way, and everyone ( at least I hope ) appreciates each other for that. This adds variety to my dash, and makes it all the more enjoyable to look at. My game looks the way it does bc that’s how I see it in my head. I’m heavily influenced by Hayao Miyazaki, Guillermo del Torro, and old 90’s movies. I lean into the bright colors, I lean into the ideal big kitchen, I lean into the excessive neon lights, and I lean into the cringe dialogue, bc that’s what brings me joy, and that’s what brings me nostalgia.

The Sims itself brings me joy and nostalgia too, and that’s why first and foremost I enjoy playing it, lol, everything else… having a space online to share it with others who also enjoy playing it is just an added bonus.

Now as for the funky faces, there are mods out there that minimize the awkward grin, whether they still work idk tho.

You can also try putting a little more space between the bottom of your sim’s nose and their top lip, it might look weird in CAS, but this will help avoid a lot of the wonkiness from the over-exaggerated smiles in-game.

Learning to love sims for all their quirks, bad animations, and goofiness is also a good tip. 😆

#asks #anon #sorry this is long #help

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jovenshires · 6 months

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i personally feel like if you're writing rpf you've gotta be prepared that the people you're writing about do have internet access and aren't clueless y'know? like. i understand not wanting them to see it and for their sake id hope they wouldn't either but no one is entitled to write about a real person and then demand that real person can't access something that is literally About Them. like. just bc they're "famous" doesn't make them public domain yknow.

now i do find those youtubers read fanfic videos kinda cringe personally too bc i mean they always have to choose bad or funny ones otherwise itd be 10h long and awkward. but yeah im also like. those people chose to write and upload those somewhere on a public forum that the people they're writing about Do have access to. i feel like that just comes with the territory in rpf. they aren't fictional and they can in fact read those. if you don't want them to it should be shared somewhere very personal imo.

but yeah obviously since the majority of the fics that do get picked for those vids are probably written by teenagers i do feel kinda bad for them for that but i feel like thats a hard lesson in that those people are in fact real and can see it. i never rly enjoy the content where ppl read fanfics about themselves tho for this reason. but if this is going to be submitted ones i think that might be funny and definitely a better way to go about this on their part. i still dread it tho and will probably cringe out of my skin (also i wonder who that video will include...)

i do agree with you. i put a warning before all my fics in the hopes that they won't read it, but as my dear friend mer always says, i'm not a cop. i can't control what you do. and i joke that i want spencer agnew to block me but it's just that - a joke (well, a half-joke). if they're seeking this out, that's on them at that point. they are grownups; they know how the internet works and they know how to avoid things and how to search them out. i can't even really be pissed if they put my work in a video, bc hey, it's out there (even if i would rather they didn't look in my general direction). but at the same time, i will say this:

i am making these things about smosh members, but they're certainly not for smosh members. they can read them if they wish or use them if they wish (like i said i literally cant do anything to stop them bc, you're right, we do publish these things publically) but they're not made for them. so when they read them and they're like "oh, that's weird, who would write something like that," well. it wasn't intended for them to read in the first place. and now they've gone and alienated a bunch of people who looked up to them. people who watched their content and were inspired to create something. it's kind of hard to stomach when they're mocking a portion of their fanbase - and not only are they mocking them, but they're making them a butt of the joke for other portions of their fan base. they uplift fan artists and video editors, but fic authors for some reason are always looked down upon. i think there's a difference between acknowledging it exists / talking about it and directly making content to target it you know.

i don't know if there's a "lesson" to be learned from all this. i don't personally think those teens who were writing that fanfiction deserve to be ridiculed for it. i think they'd found a way to express themselves and that's great. i personally hadn't written for months when i started writing smosh fic again, and writing is truly one of my biggest passions in life. the smosh cast, who i'm incredibly grateful for, led me back to it. but i digress; maybe i'm just naive.

i'll also add: i'm not saying, like, fuck the smosh cast for this btw. like i do agree it is their right to look at things on the internet made about them and use it for content. they're even allowed to make fun of it. i'm sure to some people it is weird to read stuff like that about yourself, they're allowed to say that and have that opinion. so go ham, make this kind of video all you want. im just saying it's kind of a dick move and i personally am not a fan of it. but im not gonna stop watching smosh over it or anything and i don't think the cast is worse people for it. i just dislike this kind of video. i dislike a lot of videos - i don't enjoy the tntl trivial pursuit videos and the fortnite videos either. this doesn't make me any less of a fan of theirs, just an opinionated fan.

anyway, like i said, i'm glad it's submitted fics - truly, i'm thrilled. it's still not for me (like i said i already have a hard enough time watching smosh pit theater........ i simply cant do this) but i think it's fine and a good way to go about it!! i hope the video is, for everyone who enjoys this kind of thing, a good video. as for whos gonna be in it - could be anybody at this point (ive read so many pairings yall have no idea) but im so certain i/anthony is gonna be there.

tldr: i do agree, but i also think the renditions of this they've done in the past have mocked fic writers for no good reason. if you want to watch the video i hope you enjoy, and i'm glad they're using submitted fics this time ! <3

#long post #discourse #spt #ask #asks #anon #anonymous #sorry this took so long and sorry this is such a long post nsdlfksfr i am done now i promise #i think ive said all i have to say on the topic anyway <3

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columbiastapshoes · 7 months

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so if a modern version of frank-n-furter, janet, columbia, and magenta from the rocky horror picture show formed a riot grrrl/rock/sometimes other genres girl(ish) band would that be crazy or what?

AU TIME YIPPEEEEE!! made this one with irl friend @hatsunerandal a while back and i’ve been meaning to post about it i just keep forgetting LMAO so yeah!! band au!!

this band is called the transsexual pussycats because. yeah.

we have everyone on vocals, janet on drums and guitar, frank also on drums and guitar (they switch which one does which (that was a lot of rhyming)), columbia on bass, and magenta also on guitar and keyboards :D

“don’t be cringe about it” NEVER. COLUMBIA IS SCENE NOW RAAAAHH 🦅🦅🦅🦅

janet’s style is just. lana del ray vinyl. and magentas goth and franks punk yaaay!!!

irl friend and i have put together a total of. 4 albums i think? and i am almost done with the fifth one! our process is just. find already existing songs, plop them in a playlist, and then write paragraphs about who sings what and who wrote what and what they wrote the songs about etc etc! quite a fun process if i do say so myself :3

albums 1, 3, and 4 were done by me, album 2 was done by irl friend!! their names are “mcpussy meal” (we almost named the band mcpussy but after i said “old mcpussy had a farm eieio” we changed our minds), “lord of the lesbian jellyfish”, “one girl, 69420 women”, “honestly,” and the fifth one which im not quite done with is “rose blood”!! we’re slaying with the names as u can see! the songs mostly stick to a rock/riot grrrl sound, but they can also do some more pop/hyperpop or electronic songs, and i felt REALLY silly and added a folk song to rose blood :3

now. u might be asking. where is the rest of the cast? what part do they play in this au? well!! for one thing columbia and eddie broke up (she’s with magenta now i love lesbians) and she has written at least one song about him per album 🫶 but other than that he’s out of the picture, along with pretty much everyone else…

EXCEPT FOR BRADLEY MAJORS.

i told my friend about brad in this au and they just said “brad def has groupie energy that 1000% works” and i think about that a lot LMAO he’s not actually a groupie he’s just their biggest fan ever even though he doesn’t even listen to their style of music. he attends every concert, has all the merch, is basically just so embarrassing about it i love him dearly. he’s also in a qpr with janet and dating frank yahoo!! i fucking LOVE the brad/janet dynamic in this au because all of her concert outfits are so slutty and so pink and after the shows and after hugging her aggressively he’s like “you’re wearing so little are you cold :( wear my jacket i don’t want you getting sick” and in one of the songs she is quite literally screaming her lungs out and im just imagining him watching that at a rehearsal and being like “Yay!! :-D” he’s the silliest ever actually

it’s also a canon event that the band got interviewed by that one guy with the hat who goes WHO ARE YOU i hope u know who im talking about if u don’t im so sorry that was so vague

ok those are the basics!! if ppl see this and enjoy it feel free to ask me questions about it i love talking about my silly guys so very much and thank u so much for reading this far 😭😭

#rocky horror picture show #rocky horror #rhps #rocky horror au #brad majors #columbia rhps #frank n furter #magenta rhps

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mitziholder · 7 months

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apologies for being weird and hogging your inbox like this but i LOVE your thoughts on fandom and i think very few people talk about it in a critical way without completely condemning the entire occupation. in my experience people (not just on this website but in general) tend to take a very black and white view of fandom/fic, probably because it can feel like a very personal thing for many; either they're 'normies' who think all fanworks are 'cringe' or they're the anything goes kind of person. radfems seem to me to be the only ppl who aren't overly defensive of the enterprise but can still enjoy fanworks critically. its nice to see women who aren't like. Fandom Moms talking about these things at length. i think you're one of the few people i've agreed with regarding this subject so far :/ your analyses are very much appreciated and i'd love to read more of what you think (especially regarding the point about navigating trauma). have a good day!

oh and also regarding the whole 'i want women to read better thing' ive always felt this idea that fandom culture is above criticism (or criticising it is inherently misogynistic) is in some ways an extension or at least related to the societal notion that women should be confined to the fluffy feeling aspects of writing and art and aren't as capable of intellectually engaging with things (and of course some 'criticisms' of fan culture ARE misogynistic but i'm not referring to those atm). and obviously there isn't anything inherently WRONG with silly fluff novels or romance (especially romance of course as one can certainly explore that subject in depth and i actually think there's a lack of well written romance out there) but it still feels like a limitation on female growth to normalise women ONLY reading fanfiction or even only certain brands of genre fiction i guess? and i find it sad that so many women seem to almost buy into that idea nowadays or shoot down any sort of criticism with the 'stop shaming female desire' catchphrase. and considering that there is still a dearth of well made original female work for women in pop culture (that act as cultural touchstones in the same way a lot of male works do) it's even more depressing that a lot of fanwork centers men. sorry if this comes off as insufferably pretentious lmao! i'm not even against fanwork i mean this is tumblr i still enjoy things but hopefully you know what i mean lol

like i mean. there's a reason why fanfiction is seen as primarily a female affair (even though a lot of the highly regarded published fanfics are by men. u know the neil gaiman stuff or whatever). its sort of a reassurance that women are 'limited' to writing fanworks. idk. i guess i want women to do better idk if im making any sense

ok, mandatory disclaimer that what I’m describing here is a series of trends, trends I’ve observed within fandom at large including both fanfiction readers/writers and fujos more broadly. obviously, not everyone who reads fanfic or yaoi is a woman (though the vast majority are). obviously, not every woman who reads fanfic or yaoi is a stunted teenager who refuses to engage with any other media. I will also admit that not every fanfic is jimin ABO. I don’t think that fanfic is inherently cringe or low-quality, and there are certainly a lot of respectable published works that have been created with other people’s characters or settings. but, as I’ve said, the vast majority of fanworks in the modern day are essentially pornographic mad libs. I find that disappointing. and there’s no reason it has to be this way… except for all the reasons I’ve outlined in my other posts.

things that are lazy and thoughtless and easy, that provide instant gratification, are generally more popular than things that are difficult or uncomfortable. clearly. but people who denounce all fanfic/fanfic writers and pigeonhole it as low-effort slop are not actually interested in helping the women who write it achieve their fullest potential, because they do not believe those women have any potential. it’s true that some criticisms of fan culture and fanworks are purely misogynistic… but I care about women’s voices, and I do want women to be able to express themselves. I’m not on a quest to stop women from writing or reading fanfic. I’ve been slightly flip about the subject, but truthfully, not everything that is “derivative” is bad, and there’s no reason that fanworks couldn’t be good. it’s just that the culture around them is so intensely sensitive - anti-“shaming” - that women are terrified of saying anything about the level of quality or the potentially harmful nature of most fanfiction because they don’t want to devalue media created by and for other women.

I think that’s a disservice to women as a whole. not everything we write is valuable. I’ve written plenty of crap in the pursuit of getting better - plenty of crap I currently disagree with. and if our work can’t withstand criticism - if we shut down immediately at any hint of a deeper, more unflattering analysis of what’s really going on… then what’s the point? what are we communicating? that female fantasies exist in a compartmentalized bubble far and away from our politics and intellectual pursuits? that we should be able to j/o to rape fantasies without question because it’s not that serious? that the personal is political, except for when it isn’t… and we should all be quiet and let women write whatever they want free of criticism lest we shame them so hard they go into hiding? my standards might be a tad high, but that is setting the bar… dangerously low. it’s also patronizing. since when has “just let women enjoy things!!” ever gotten us anywhere? since when has that been a cornerstone of feminist thought? is that really the best we can do? are we really so fragile?

I’ve seen a glut of posts about how useless and harmful constructive criticism supposedly is. the reasoning is always basically the same:

criticism is mean/toxic/discouraging

maybe I’m too hardened by countless death wishes I got on my old blog, but, in my experience, whenever I have something I want to say or a point I want to make, very little can keep me from doing so. I can’t imagine being so bothered by what random Internet people think. it’s important to remember that being able to determine what criticism is valuable is a skill in itself. disavowing criticism as a whole because some of it is “toxic”/discouraging is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

criticism is pointless; perfection is unattainable

of course nothing is ever going to be perfect. but if that’s your attitude, why bother editing? (rhetorical question. some fanfic authors do post unedited works… just because they can.) hell, why write? why get up in the morning? why make your bed? why try anything new at all? it’s a completely absurd, defeatist attitude. like the first point, it also reeks of intellectual laziness and self-satisfaction.

you could just be nice and say what you liked instead because that’s helpful too

please don’t blow smoke up my ass. in editing, I want to fix things that don’t work and to trim the fat. is it “kind” or “helpful” to let me do something completely stupid because you’re too afraid of embarrassing or offending me to say as much? also, knowing what people like is useful in producing more of what people like - it doesn’t help me do anything new or different. there is nothing less helpful to me than saying “good job!” when I ask you to read my work. it’s certainly nice (as long as you actually read it), but it’s not helpful.

it’s published, the author is through with it, and they don’t want to touch it anymore

I plan to do everything I can to edit and improve my writing before the thing is drawn and published, but I’m sure some flaws will inevitably slip through the cracks. currently, I’m rewriting entire chapters from the beginning because they became incompatible with what I wanted out of the series as it progressed. considering that a lot of people write fanfic on a chapter-by-chapter basis with only a very vague trope-strung outline, I have to wonder why they’re so averse to major overhauls. sure, it’s not pleasant, but don’t you want your writing to be the best that it can be? what is the purpose of uploading it if you don’t want the thing to be responded to as it is, warts and all?

also, not all criticism is limited to the specific work it’s derived from; many things can be extrapolated to future works as well. how are we supposed to correct trends that could lead to a decrease in the quality of future works if we can’t even point them out?

fanfiction is a hobby, and hobbies should be fun

I’m not under the impression that I’ll ever be able to make a living from my writing. I do it as a “hobby” in my spare time simply for the fact that I need an outlet for my thoughts - I need to organize them in some way. writing is an art form that we use to communicate meaning and to make sense of the world around us. your goal as a writer may be to have fun, but it isn’t mine. overgeneralizing and building an entire subculture around the pursuit of mindless fun limits what fanfiction and amateur writing have the potential to be.

you could just go read something else that you like more

actually, no. I don’t like any of it. I’m sorry if saying that is offensive to the 38-year-old she/they whose blog post I grabbed this from. most fanfic is bad. I yearn for the exploration of topics that are categorically not explored in fanfic - because the scope of what fanfic is interested in is constantly narrowing, feeding on itself, like an ouroboros. this problem is only going to get worse over time. why wouldn’t I be bothered? why can’t I say it’s a shame?

mass media and tiktok are worse!

maybe, but so what? at least the majority of people who spend their time watching tiktok videos and bad TV don’t act like it’s a suitable replacement for real literature. and at least there aren’t tiktok compilations being listed on goodreads(?)

anyway, more to the point, fandom is full of technically competent writers. but if they continue to insulate themselves within fandom or fandom-adjacent offshoots, they will never be great writers, because great writing requires tight editing (the elimination of things that are pointless and redundant), syntactic fluency, organizational skills, and, most importantly, an individual voice - an artistic vision - interpreting individual ideas… things that are born of criticism and a diversity of influences that are not present or valued within fandom in its current state. great writing cannot be made in a vacuum. great writers don’t allow themselves to be broken or stifled by criticism they disagree with.

sure, no one has a responsibility to be a great writer, and mediocre writing isn’t a moral failure… but I’m certainly not going to be happy about it, especially when the prevailing attitude is “fanfic is art… but I make what I want for myself and sharing it with you is a privilege and therefore you can’t criticize it!” how boring! how utterly conceited! my god. throwing a temper tantrum because you’re not 100% in control of how others perceive or respond to your creation. put it in a diary and not on a public forum if that bothers you so much… (but then, of course, you couldn’t count kudos.)

I do have a plan to touch on some of my other gripes since you asked so nicely. but this response is, once again, getting too long, and those things have little to do with what I was complaining about here. I’ve got an outline for a post I’ll develop and publish later as a final note on this convo, since at that point I really will have said all that I have to say… thanks again for writing in :-)

#ask #i'm being flip again. there are a few fanfictions that i've enjoyed #but they were gen + about female characters (EXTREME RARITY LOOOL)

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