#it's not like i pretended to have been a perfect example of how to handle things but! there's! no! rulebook! on handling a sb piece of shit!

[trashycosmos]

can we talk about the funniest thing of the whole experience was someome who sb me for almost 10 months straight saying they were upset i wasn't nice/distant/cold and didn't apologize for it and when i called out their behavior there was no apology from them they just didn't want to talk anymore lol

[the-curse-of-neoclones]

Moderneopets Artist Mistreatment

Edit as of 11/16/23 10:40 AM NST:

Removed names where I failed to do so before. I'm very sorry to the affected parties, this snowballed so far out of my intended scope.

Edit as of 11/16/23 5:30 PM NST

Please see this post for a small update.

As of 11/16/23 10:10 PM NST, Hazer the site owner has formally and publicly apologized to myself and Velu, the other affected artist. As far as I'm concerned he has officially handled the situation as best as he could, and I hold no further qualms with Moderneopets. I hope to hear of its management continuing in this direction.

The following post is left up for archival purposes only.

*****

Hello, I’m wren. I'm an artist responsible for some of the pet assets on the neoclone, Moderneopets. I'm just going to get into it.

Hazer was extremely lucky to somehow cultivate a dense group of largely professional artists to work together to make assets for his site. When it comes to his own management as a site runner, he’s largely hands-off of the art department, which is a good thing! If he can’t be active in the art panel enough to know what goes on in there, he shouldn’t be running it— we have many strong, capable artists on the team who are passionate about recreating the neopets style, who work together on every pet that has been released ever since critique became a requirement. 

It makes sense that, with a project this large, Hazer should have to designate moderators to enforce rules when he is absent. Choosing to bring on moderators was also a good decision. Unfortunately, he chose poorly. 

Art panel issues should have separate Art panel moderators to take care of them. People who are not overburdened with generic moderation duties from the many other channels of the server, for example. In the same vein, artists should not be moderators. When an artist has an issue with another artist, who happens to be a moderator (which has happened many times, with many people— If the mods actually open threads for all complaints they receive, they should have evidence of this & if they don’t they are not being truthful), the artist would likely not feel comfortable approaching that same artist-slash-moderator to complain about what happened. It breeds an aura of fear and discomfort any time there is an issue with an artist/mod, and that is why the two moderators on the team should have to choose one or the other if hazer wants to cultivate a healthy atmosphere in his panel. 

I’ve created many pets for this website. Neopets has been a passion of mine since the third grade. I’m also one of those professional artists I mentioned— my work is also art, industry or otherwise. I care about breaking neopets down into their core, recognizable shapes. I care about keeping them on-model and in the spirit of the original TNT art team, with improvements made where I and the other panelists think they make sense. I have redlined for other artists to an even greater degree, just as other artists have redlined for me and helped me finalize each pet into something simply good: something that made sense to get put on a little passion project website for other people with a similar passion to enjoy. I found the panel to be a community of likeminded artists with which to discuss our favorite childhood petsite while we made art for a clone, as if we could pretend we were making art for neopets-dot-com. It was nice. 

It wasn’t perfect, though. In fact, shortly after I joined in 2021 I took a hiatus because the art panel was fairly dead. I came back a little while later to see we had several new species, as well as an art director, and lots of activity! That was very exciting. Over the next year I would reach out to the panel or, if nobody was sure of how to proceed, I would reach out to the art director to propose ideas for how to make the panel a little more functional; quality of life updates, if you will. I don’t take credit for all of these alone, there were other artists with similar ideas all communicating to the director in private, but some examples: 

A designated “collab” zone where artists could seek out other artists to complete pets with. 

“The Purge,” in which the team was whittled down to ~25 current, active artists to refresh the team and allow for new artists to join. 

“The Approval System,” which I first sat down with in my workshop (public to all artists) to hammer out the details with as many other artists as wanted to give their input— a method for pitching new ideas to eventually break through the “new species/color freeze” that had been plaguing us.

Speaking on the approval system: like most things that required Hazer’s direct input in the art team, it was left without response for a very long time. Artists with ideas for custom species or colors would occasionally murmur about their excitement for the system to get a look-over by hazer, to see if our approval system pitch would be approved. But hazer is busy, as we all know, and the pitch sat for a while. We had new & returning artists on the team to keep everyone busy. 

What I would expect from a years-old panel of artists, when new additions arrive, would be some manner of tutorial. New artists would need to know the pipeline (here’s your workshop, you can post WIPs and anything else in there; here’s how you ping for critique, here are the spaces in which to ask for it; make sure you always ping before your work is submitted on-site), and there would likely be some acclimating on both sides. What I did not expect (but should have), was pushback from new artists on things that hadn’t had pushback in a long time. Why can’t [x] color be a posechange? Well, we’ve created many already and none of them were posechanges. Why can’t I use colored lineart? Well, that isn’t in line with the style standards set by this color; see, nobody else is coloring their lineart. 

Suddenly there was a divide between veteran artists, the director, and the new blood. The divide felt greater when Hazer came to his new artist’s aid to say, approximately: “Eh, if someone wants to go above and beyond and make better art, they shouldn’t have to adhere to the guidelines.” Then he threw the art director under the bus for not somehow knowing that his intentions were always to keep the panel loose and unstructured. But don’t worry, that isn’t the first bus and won’t be the last.

My personal investment in the panel waned around that time. I think a structured “work” environment with easily accessible rules and deadlines is necessary to any project of this size. If we didn’t want to enforce color standards, nor prioritize certain colors for release, and anyone could just submit whatever Nice Art they wanted, why not open it up so any user could submit pet art? Why have a panel at all? Isn’t Hazer taking any opportunity to dunk on Leopets because he wants his site to be better? How is this different? 

But I stuck around. This was a hobby I really enjoyed, after all, and I really believed it could get better. It had a good core, and despite my grievances with individual artists, none of them were bad people. 

But I noticed some trends. New artists would receive feedback that they didn’t agree with and retaliate by bringing in their emotions or personal preferences. Any disagreement where multiple veteran artists stepped in to say their piece would escalate to the point of very long messages on both sides, and would need to be left to hazer to give a final input. Often he didn’t come around to it, because he’s busy, as we know. I didn’t step in to every argument; they became cyclical after a while, and I didn’t have the time or energy to spend simply tapping the proverbial sign (or style sheet). I would try to give positive suggestions when I could, for example: I don’t think this color needs another alt for just one single design, but we did talk about eventually making this color that your design would fit into really well. 

I’ve done my time having arguments on the internet. I really just want an art environment where the rules are set and people actually enjoy following them, because I do— I see art rules as helpful guidelines at best and obstacles to cleverly navigate at worst, which is still fun. But of course not everyone is going to feel the same way, that’s normal; that’s life. 

On 11/9 I was given this message by Hazer: 

It reads:

Hello wren,

I am reaching out to you today to inform you that effective immediately you are being dismissed from the Artist and Consultant Panels. This decision has been reached through discussions and based on repeated offences in the form of user harassment and subjecting the panels to a toxic atmosphere, after multiple reports and concerns brought up to us by other users.

While we understand concerns regarding panel management, there is a distinct difference between criticising and condeming the way the panel does things and criticising and condeming users that are on the panel, and we believe this line has been crossed one too many times, further supported by concerns brought to us.

We appreciate the passion and drive of our team—all of them—and we understand you have been very passionate about the panel. Given some of the messages we see, we have also concluded that due to things in the panel not working out as you have wished, it has caused you much stress and upset as well, which we do not want. All in all, we've decided that the atmosphere of the panel and your own enjoyment of the website are hampered by your presence on it. Because of this, we have decided it is best to have you part ways with the staff sections of the website.

Effective immediately after this message, we will be permanently removing you from the panels. While normally we do a temporary removal, in this case we've seen that your compatability with our management and handling of the panel will not improve, and it will just bring stress to both sides.

We understand you have put a lot of passion into the projects you have been working on for release in Moderneopets, and in lieu of that, we offer you the option of having the project(s) still be released even after dismissal. Rewards will still be granted for releases per usual, and credit will still be given. If you decide, due to dismissal, you do not want your unreleased work to be released on Moderneopets, simply state it as such, and we will discard all progress on projects you have been working on to respect those wishes.

This decision is final and will not be revoked.

Best wishes to you,

The Moderneopets Team

[end caption]

My response:

It reads: 

No warnings huh?

[end caption]

Hazer didn’t have an answer for me. I was already removed from the panel. 

This came as a shock. I’d been there for over two years, I felt I had a good rapport with the other artists, I felt I’d been a helpful and active addition to the team. Like I said, I’ve done my time having arguments on the internet… what toxic behavior? Discussions over style guides? Giving redlines to people with permission? Working with the whole team to bolster several new color releases? I had an entire species that Hazer wanted ready to go since March— I just pushed through the Swamp Gas release, I just created the Mystical alt? 

No warnings?

Let me reiterate: I have never been spoken to by any staff about my behavior. Hazer, his then-four moderators— none of them have ever been in my DMs to issue a warning. I have spoken TO the mods about others’ behaviors, and nothing ever came of it. The one time (and I mention this for full transparency only) the art director came to talk to me about something I said, it was stated clearly that it was not a warning, and even so I adjusted my behavior around said issue accordingly. And that was well before the purge. 

But, don’t take my word for it. Here it is from hazer himself, speaking over his mods who were busy telling the rest of the panel that they always issue warnings: 

It reads:

No in this case I do agree that this has been an abrupt situation and I understand the blind-sided-ness of it. No official warnings were given out regarding the actions that resulted in the removal of artists today and that’s on fault of myself and deebs not working things out properly despite the moderation team bringing issues to a us a few times – also due to our lack of availability recently.  [end caption]

So… What happened? Well… here it is from Hazer, in longform: 

For those who use screen readers, above are several enormous discord screenshots; I've placed it in a paste bin here: https://pastebin.com/dHLiBRTF

Two other artists immediately stepped down. Hazer admits here in his message that he and the mods had multiple tickets opened about my behavior, that they had known they wanted to remove me. They never gave a warning, never talked to me until the moment of my dismissal, but they had known it was coming for months? 

Why did Hazer and his gang of mods let me continue working on art for their panel? Why did they let me work so hard to pull Swamp Gas together for an official release? Why did they let me put together a whole custom Alt and workshop it for so long? I’ve been active this whole time. Why did you let me keep working if you knew you wanted me gone? 

I am a professional artist. My work is art. Hazer made the knowing decision to exploit my time and effort for his website. He’s not paying me, he’s not paying any of us. It’s volunteer work. But I did not volunteer to be mistreated like this. To not even be given a chance to defend myself. To him, artists are disposable. To him, if someone has worked on your team for years but speaks up when your friend tries to overturn the system, even civil discussion is cause for disposal. Civil discussion negates years of effort, passion, time and care. 

I didn’t have to make art for you, Hazer. And you don’t deserve the team you have. How many artists have voiced their discomfort with your actions? How many artists are taking a break from the panel because of how you handled this? Ah, wait, you wouldn’t know… you’re busy. 

Hazer and his mod team are just another corrupt group of individuals unfortunately heading what could have been a fun and promising petsite. Everyone who speaks praise of modneo does it by and large because of the new and unique art. Hazer was extremely lucky to cultivate a dense group of largely professional artists to work together to make assets for his site. 

If Hazer wants to show any sign of his potential to be a better person, I believe he needs to formally apologize to his site for the misuse of his power and the mistreatment and exploitation of artists on his team. He needs to apologize to you, the players of his game, the subscribers to his patreon, for allowing this to happen under his watch and under his word. You know you fucked up, hazer. You shouldn’t have sided with your friend without any actual evidence of misconduct. You shouldn’t have spoken about me like I was a toxic, subhuman hindrance to your art team. You shouldn’t have treated me like that. I didn’t deserve it. None of us did. You can apologize to me and the other lost artists publicly.

[thefirstknife]

i unironically hope Eris stays in her Hive form at least physically bc im already loving how both her & Immaru are pointing out Ikora's (and humanity's) inherent dehumanization of the Hive.

Eris being all "If this form does not leave will you still view me as a friend?"

Immaru when asked where the Experiment Subjects come from and responding with "Don't act like you care."

Honestly, it's so good. I really love the Eris stuff and some of these questions being posed. A lot of people react negatively to Eris doing this, forgetting that Eris has already been part-Hive for a long time. She was just hiding it behind the eye cover.

Technically, nothing inherently changed about Eris; she just embraced that part of her. And that's super important for her arc I think because she's been on a journey of accepting her trauma and her losses for a very long time. We helped her face her fears and traumas in Shadowkeep and she came out of it victorious. And the story never treated it as her traumas being gone; she still has them, but she has the means to tackle them and handle them and live with them. Since we helped her, she became more open and more involved with what we do to save our home, even if it meant tackling dangerous things.

And the thing is, now that her traumas cannot be exploited by Darkness anymore, she's capable of involving herself in these things, knowing that she has friends to fall back to and a support system and better mental fortitude. We've seen it through her endurance beneath the Pyramid on Io, and her grasp of stasis, and her dealing with the Crown of Sorrow and egregore and the Lunar Pyramid nightmares. And now with her embracing her Hive self. It doesn't change anything about her, but people prefer when she hides it so they don't have to see it. And she knows it (Sororicide lore book, page 1):

It's a perfect example of how we inherently view the Hive as untrustworthy. Obviously, there are good reasons for it! The Hive have caused immense pain and trauma to pretty much everyone in the universe, Eris included. It must take an incredible strength of character to embrace the fact that you're physically half-Hive, creatures that traumatised you in the first place. No one else has dealt with anything similar so naturally they're afraid for Eris. But I believe in her strength. And so does Drifter and Drifter is never wrong:

He'd read the reports. He saw the theories on VanNet. He didn't trust them. He trusted her.

There's a cutscene that people skip and can cause people not to see it, I recommend replaying the thing on a different character or seeing it online, but it shows Eris taking off her bandage in front of us:

It's such a powerful image to me. A symbol of her taking off her mask. Not pretending to be the same as us anymore. Because she isn't! The Hive are a part of her and have been for centuries. And she's always been in control. Our mistrust has always hurt her, but before this, we could act with pity towards her. Now that she's fully in Hive form, people's perception of her changed, for really no good reason other than prejudice. She is still Eris.

I definitely think that eventually we will have to reconcile with the idea of the Hive not being inherently evil in totality as a whole group of people. Obviously this is going to be difficult, especially when their leaders act the way they do, but eventually I do believe we will have to accept some of them, even if it's only Eris for a start.

[shsl-heck]

One thing that's had me thinking about Amy lately, is the tension between disgust and desire. She is horrified by the immensity of her desire for Victoria, but the shame and guilt over it can only ever make it worse. Fear and arousal, disgust and desire, all of them bleed into each other (we see this constantly in both porn and horror). It's like she has this splinter at the core of her being and she either cant realize or wont accept that the more and more she digs for it to try to get it out, the deeper she's driving it into herself. She cannot remove this without help from someone else. (Coincidentally, not being able to recognize that her attempts to do/be what she's supposed to are only making things worse is also what leads to the Enwretchening)

I'm aware there's a reading of Worm in which Amy's attraction to Victoria is purely an expression of a kind of morality focused ocd, but I personally think that's less interesting. She definitely experiences some level of that (the urge to fuck up a baby she's healing followed by disgust with herself is like a perfect example of an intrusive thought associated with that brand of ocd), but I think this is a case of *and* rather than *or*. My reading of Amy is that of a deeply lonely and emotionally neglected child clinging to the one person in her life that gives her any form of affection, whose attachment only gets increasingly complicated as she starts to grow up and realizes she is attracted to women.

She has never been treated as part of the family, has always felt on some level that she's only playing at being a sister to Victoria, and she is dealing with that during a stage of her life that is turbulent at best for even people raised in a healthy functional environment. There is a broad cultural taboo around sex and desire, but there's a special sort of self-loathing and fear that you're somehow predatory for finding someone attractive that a lot of queer people experience due to the stigma surrounding their sexuality and/or gender. Homoeroticism and attraction is seen as disgusting and fundamentally wrong by society no matter what. It is especially disastrous for Amy because even though she's never been able to see herself as Victoria's sister, she knows she's supposed to, and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and shame to even a passing thought about Victoria being attractive.

Then she triggers. Suddenly she not only has to pretend to be Amy Dallon the well behaved unintrusive family member, she has to be Panacea, the girl who performs miracles. She doesn't even have a secret identity to fall back on for privacy because of New Wave's gimmick. Any resentment about her role, or desire to live a normal life become more proof that she is a sick, evil person; a parasite who has wormed her way into the Good and Heroic Dallon-Pelham family and is eating away at them from the inside-out.

Even as it forces her to repress more and more of herself, Panacea also offers Amy what is seemingly her only chance to be Good like her family. Healing people isn't just something she has to do in order to avoid being a terrible person, but also how she can atone for everything else that's Bad about her. Saving people is a way to try to purge herself of the desire for Victoria, and to prove that she can be a Dallon in more than name.

Like, as awful and lesbophobic as Wildbow's handling of Amy was, there is something deeply compelling and even relatable about her to me. She perfectly captures an emotional state that I've struggled (and failed) to explain as I wrote and rewrote this post. It's the hunger, the guilt, the shame, the fear, the loneliness that settles on your skin like frost as a child when you accept that there must be something wrong with you, because if there wasn't then you wouldn't have to try so hard to be good.

[girl-with-bones]

Look. I hate all of The Discourse as much as anyone, but let's not pretend that leftist (online) politics got into this state on its own - not after literal decades of conservative power. Globally.

I mean, it's no wonder that we're squabbling amongst ourselves trying to decide which stripy flag is Good and which is an Evil Virus of Satan when the pressure to be this picture perfect model of morality is so... overwhelming.

Hate is so everywhere, hell, so encouraged, at this point. We all have our guards up. All the time. It feels like it's everyone for themselves, and thats done none of us any good.

Propaganda. Everywhere. All the time. Everywhere we turn at this point we find ourselves demonised, dehumanised, or just disregarded entirely. And our collective coping mechanism, it seems, is scrambling amongst ourselves to make ourselves, again, the most "perfect", "pure", "presentable" community.

This is not even just about the extreme examples. That's all been applied to terfism, acephobia, whatnot, but honestly it applies to all of us.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. Of having a "take" every time. Of having to have one.

I can't help but feel like our movement is so fractured because we're entrenched in conservative ground. It reminds me of two things: that one comic about the werewolf that doesn't get angry, can't get angry, because people will only see a monster; and that one tweet about people thinking it's better to do nothing wrong rather than something right.

Of course we feel like we can't do anything wrong, being "one of the bad ones" is something we've all been taught to desperately avoid - from those that hate us all anyway and from all of us with our guards up constantly.

Of course there's no space for compromise, there's no use for compromise. Not without a solid, dedicated, unified, practical movement. All the big options are just... awful. Democrats? Terrible. Labour? Spineless.

It's divide and conquer at every level. And we're super fucking divided right now.

Anyway, all that to say, while there is plenty to be negative about and there are a lot of problems with how we handle our ideas, the more that fascism is fought against, the easier it becomes.

Yes, Labour had to pander to tories to win this election. Yes, it was barely even a vote for Labour at all.

But, if this goes well over the next few years, and if public opinion finally shows the first signs of turning, then maybe, just maybe, we can start to have this discussion more on our home field. We can slowly, gradually, pull back the discourse and Actually Get Shit Done.

There is death in this world. There is pain. There is oppression. There is genocide.

There is also hope. There is also a future.

If. Maybe. Hopefully.

It's possible.

[nocturnalghoul]

Echoes

I once again had thoughts about Dew, Mountain, and Aether’s closeness, had to write it, and got lightly angsty (to nobody’s surprise I am sure). A short little piece where Aether attempts to play peacekeeper between the two and ruminates on their differences as well as how people continue on when you aren’t paying attention. 

Words: ~1.2k

Rating: General

Below the cut for scrolling purposes

Aether still has no idea what Dew and Mountain had been fighting about for the past few days to have them both so riled up. All he knows is that they both are past a point of simply talking things out themselves, and that the other ghouls are weirdly refusing to get involved. 

It can be easy to overlook how fundamentally different the two ghouls are given their closeness, but the events of the last week have been a perfect example. The way that the two ghouls handle upsetting events could not be more different. Dew has always been quick to get riled up, but also to push past everything, like a steam venting to relieve pressure. Mountain on the other hand has a slow temper, but once he is angry it's a much larger and longer lasting event.

Aether can tell that they are at a halfway point between how they handle their emotions. Dew is no longer boiling over with rage at the situation and beginning to cool down, and Mountain’s frustrations are still on an incline but not beyond the point of no return. Seeing them pretend to ignore each other in the kitchen early one morning, long before any other ghouls are likely to awake, seems like as good of a time as any. At least he knows the three of them won’t be interrupted.

“I don’t know why you two are so upset, but I can’t stand to see it anymore. We are going to talk about it, and if I have to pull the ‘everything we’ve been through together’ card I will” Aether states calmly, pulling out two chairs at the large kitchen table before finding his own preferred seat. 

“It’s fine Aether” they both grumble in unison, shooting each other an annoyed look afterwards. 

 “Clearly it’s not. Dew, you have been in your ‘lonely wanderer clothes’ since this began and Mountain, you have that careful sorrow to your voice that only comes out before you go apeshit. Talk.” 

One detriment to knowing somebody so well is that they know you as deeply in return. The two ghouls both know that he is right, and that he understands exactly what these minor details mean. They both slowly slink towards the open chairs on either side of him and settle in. 

Aether waits patiently for one of them to begin as they clearly try and fail to not look accusatory towards one another. Finally, Mountain breaks the silence with a vague statement about how Dew has to know why he is upset, which the fire ghoul shrugs off like a feather, responding with an odd statement about the weather. 

As much as Aether truly wants them to work it out amongst themselves, only using him for a moderator if they need one, it quickly becomes apparent that the two refuse to accomplish anything. 

“Please you two, if you don’t want to resolve this for your own sakes then at least try for me. You giving it a fair shot is all I’m asking for.” Aether eventually contributes.

“What even is the use of all this Aeth? Let us just be mad at each other for a week or two and then eventually it will be like it didn’t happen. That’s what always happens.” Dew grumbles.

“Yeah, I know you love us and want to help, but it’s not your duty to try and fix it.” Mountain tacks on. 

At least with their irritation pointed at himself, the two ghouls seem to marginally forget about their frustration at one another. Mountain’s comment however gives him a welcome hint that whatever happened is not as trivial as he originally thought. 

“Oh trust me this intervention is for selfish reasons.” Aether interjects before Mountain can go on a whole long winded thing about matters they all have hashed out time and time again. “With the touring I don’t get to see you two as much as I would like anymore. Forgive me for wanting to actually have the little time I can spend with you two include you both and actually be pleasant.”

Dew and Mountain shoot each other a peculiar look across the table that he can’t quite place. It’s almost familiar, like a song heard years ago, but he is at a loss to its meaning. It’s weird, normally Aether could interpret the meaning of either of their looks without even thinking about it. He knows the two of them better than he probably knows himself. 

Soon a flood of unwelcome thoughts of them forgetting all about the bond they share and him being left behind in the dust start to storm his mind. He knows it’s only a look, but unexpected development is shaking him nonetheless for reasons he can't place.

“I don’t want you guys to slip away is all” he tacks on weakly, silently cursing the slight tremble evident in his voice. He thought he was doing this for them, to mend the gap between the two ghouls, however he can’t help but feel like he has stumbled into a chasm between them and himself as well. 

“You could never get rid of either of us even if you wanted to.” one of them declares. Aether is too busy focusing on the sudden grip of both of them launching from each side to pull him into a hug. 

If Aether had known that sharing his own minor insecurities that manifested from missing them would have helped the two ghouls get along he would have done so sooner. That of course would mean he would have had to actually acknowledge how he was feeling about it all before now though, so maybe this morning was still the quickest course of action. 

“I’m not going to give the details because it was originally about something for you that we still want to be a surprise, but I think both of us would agree that we let the argument get blown way out of proportion and become much more personal than it needed to be.” Mountain explains softly.

Aether feels Dew’s hair tickling his arm as the fire ghoul nods. “He’s right, give us the day to work it out amongst ourselves, but I promise that Mountain and I will take a walk along the good trail and talk it out okay? Without a doubt I can say that we both miss you more than words can say. As long as Mount is okay with it, I would love to meet up in my room after dinner tonight to catch up, just the three of us.”

Aether takes the bright smile finally gracing the earth ghouls face once again as the enthusiastic agreement it is. As he watches Mountain walk off to get trail snacks and Dew shambling to his room to change, he feels a little of their balance click back into place. 

No matter how much time moves along the three of them will always have one another to lean on.

[gauloiseblue]

Hellgate

[+18 | MDNI]

2!Dante × Reader

If someone asked you what kind of hints you were citing to him, you’d only blush and refuse to answer it. And you’re ready to bet that their innocent minds can only come up with the purest form of sex, while in reality, you really want to reduce your boyfriend into a sobbing mess.

It might be something that he discovered along the way, or how the evidence slowly mounted up and his brain finally made a connection. Either way, the hints that you’ve been dropping since God knows when were finally noticed.

Well, it’s not that you’re passive-aggressively sending him a signal, and sitting back hoping that he’d pick it up. You just don’t want to frighten him, because the idea of surrendering one’s control can be really scary. Especially for a tough guy like Dante. Oh, you're definitely going to use that nickname against him.

When he finally addresses the matter—or more like confronting you about your eagerness to take the lead, you just smile at him. Even a Devil can’t escape the conventional education of sex.

Now, if we pick his brain apart, you’ll see that he has every side of him arguing. His dismay would shout a hard ‘NO’ at him, while his poor confusion would try to make out the situation. Maybe his adventurous side would shrug and say why not?, and his ego would try to smother it with a pillow. But where’s the part of him that loves you? Well, he’s the one who silences them all.

“It’s just a suggestion.” You nonchalantly said, “I don’t mind sticking with our usual way, but why don’t you try it once and see if you like it or not?”

He didn’t answer right away, as you’d expect it. But give it 5 days maximum, and he’ll get down to it. But how can you be so sure? The answer is, you just know.

Call it a lover’s intuition, but you can see through his mind. And it’s a hell of wreckage.

An explanation might be offered, but you might as well write an essay about it. Let’s dive into the haywire thoughts of his. Dante is a traditional kind of lover, and he’d prioritize your pleasure before his. Even when you get on top of him, and straddling him with your hips, he’d still try to hold back. But you knew that he wanted to cum so bad.

He’s the perfect example of Gary Stu, because never in your life you see a little bit of his weakness. Well, you did, but they’re a lovable weakness so they didn’t count. This side of him might be some kind of a dream come true (for some people), but not in your case. You just hated it. Because if he doesn’t let you see the tender side of him, it means that he doesn’t trust you completely.

This man might have the biggest trust issue you ever encounter, even rivaling his enormous insecurities. Yes, yes, you know. He had his reason, but you had yours too. You don't want to always be on the receiving end, you want to take care of him as well. He always exceeds your expectations, and he keeps building a new wall every time he does it. As if he's afraid that you'd leave him, after you see what's past behind his strong facade.

It's exhausting, for both of you. He can't keep lying like this, and you can't always pretend that it's totally fine. You've tried to encourage him to open up before, but it's no success. So this time, you're going to push him beyond his limit instead. In short, you're going to teach him some lessons. And maybe, by some miracles, he'll finally realize that what he’s done would only hurt the two of you.

At first, you see the refrain in his eyes. He's afraid, and of course he's afraid. You literally asked him to hand you his control, and who knows what he'd do during the act. What if he whines, or even begging you to let him finish? That'd be so embarrassing.

Then, comes the curiosity. What's the worst that could happen? He's a tough guy after all (honestly, you're still laughing whenever you try to narrate his thoughts), he can handle it. You’ve promised him that you wouldn’t do anything that makes him uncomfortable. And as long as he remembers, you never made him feel that way.

But here comes the fear. It’s the shortest period, but it clearly leaves the most impact on him. What if, somehow, you lose your interest in him afterwards? What if he does something so shameful that you never want to speak of it? What if you find it disgusting? What if, what if, what if…

Thankfully, he manages to snap out of it.

Anyway, he goes through that cycle again and again. Days passed, and you waited patiently for him to decide. To be fair, you don’t mind if he refuses the proposal. But it’d feel like a step back in your relationship, and he’d end up putting another wall around him.

Day 4 after the initial discussion, he comes to you. It’s just past dinner, and you’re lounging on the sofa. He approaches you, with his hands in his pockets. You pretend to immerse yourself into your novel, before lifting your head up when he’s standing by the couch.

Of course, he’s having a second thought, and it reflects in his eyes. But he manages to muster up courage and asks you,

“If I say yes, what are you going to do to me?”

And you close your book, “Do you trust me?”

“I do, but I have to know—” He corrected himself when you lifted your novel again, “I do.”

“I want to try something new, and it’s gonna be all about you.” You told him, “But I think it’s wise to lay down some rules.”

“Tell me.”

“First, we have to choose a safeword. If it gets too much, you can stop it by saying the word.” You explained briefly, “Second, you have to be honest with me. When you don’t feel comfortable, or you don’t find it enjoyable anymore, you have to tell me, by using the word."

He didn't say anything, as he pressed his knuckles against his lips. He looks the other way, and you can figuratively hear the gears rolling in his head. "Alright." He muttered out, "But I can't think of any words yet."

"It should be specific, like something you wouldn't say during a normal conversation." You suggested, "You can use flowers, or anything really."

But knowing him for years, you know he wouldn't come up with such an easy word. He'd spend the whole day thinking of asking you a trivial thing, before he decided to do it tomorrow. This man would take anything too seriously, even when it's just a silly line. You really think he'd choose a rare word, like subrosa, lucent, or some sort of ancient epithet. Until you hear him say, "Hellgate."

You blinked in surprise. Hellgate. It didn't even cross your mind, how clever.

For most people, it might be just a term. But for both of you, it has developed from a simple shout to a warning. The two of you have used it, until it changed its meaning. It shifted from 'Beware, it’s a gate of hell!' to 'Absolute no go'. And when he said it to you, it conveys; It's not safe, we shouldn't go there.

"Hellgate." You repeated, "We'll use that." You push yourself up, before you extend your arm toward him, "Come, let's take it upstairs."

—

He didn't flinch when you fastened the rope, even when it dug into his skin. "Too tight?" You asked as you loosened the bind around his arms.

"You can go tighter."

"No, I don’t want to make your hands numb.”

You let out a huff as you redo the ties on his back. Not even a minute has passed, and you already run into the first problem. Dante doesn’t know his own limit or discomfort, and it’s making your guesswork harder.

“There we go.” You said as you tied the final knot.

Almost instinctively, he tries to tug his hand to test the strength. “You know I can easily break free from it right?”

“Try not to.”

He let out an amused snort, which tempted you to do the same. But you keep your facade and smile.

You touch his bare skin gently, and he sighs as he begins to relax. Your fingers trail from his chest, down to his stomach, and they pause right above his jeans. He draws a sharp breath when your hand slips under the underwear, “Do you mind?” You asked him, while fiddling with the button. He nods, just as impatient as the bulge inside his pants.

The zipper rustled down, and your hands quickly worked on his jeans. He looks away when you pull the pants down, along with his brief. Even when sex has been a part of the routine, he’s still somewhat shy when it comes to nudity.

“Lay down.” You told him as you gently pushed him to the bed. As he settles down, you begin to pile up the pillows behind him. “Look up for me.” You said as you raised his chin.

You reach into your pocket, and take a hold of the bundled piece of fabric. A look of surprise crosses his face as you unravel the blindfold, and you carefully wrap it around his head. “Is it really necessary?” He timidly asked, while you adjusted the cloth around his eyes.

“Yes." You press him against the pillows, "Like I said earlier, it's all about your pleasure."

He didn't protest further, even when you placed the earmuffs on his head. Although it's not going to prevent him from hearing your voice, as long as you keep quiet, he won't be able to tell where you are.

Climbing down the bed, you then walk to the nightstand. You rummage through the drawer, and find the plastic box beneath the magazines. Inside the case, there's a medium sized silver ring with adjustable width. Plus one remote control. Well, after knowing the exact size of his cock, the adjustable part surely comes in handy.

The bed dips as you return to his side, and he flinches when you touch his face. “Relax.” You assured him, and he slowly calmed down. Not for long though, as the clasp of the ring releases a clicky sound. Your hands work on adjusting the toy, before you wrap it around his cock.

“What did you put on me?”

“Vibrating cock ring.” You uttered with a smirk, “It’s going to keep your dick up until we’re done.”

He heaves a sigh, “Since when did you buy it?”

“Guess, tough boy.” You chuckled as you kissed his cheek. With the remote in your hand, you test the lowest setting on him.

He gasps when the ring starts to vibrate, which rouses his member up. You let it on for a half minute, before you turn it off.

“How was it?”

“... It’s fine.”

“Good.” You replied as you stepped away from the bed. You flop down on the chair by the bed, which gives you a full view of him. “Remember what we talked about before? Do you remember the safeword?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. If you’re uncomfortable, or you need to stop, just say it out loud.”

He nods.

You look at him once again, and observe how his chest rises and falls. He’s nervous, if it’s not so obvious already. You wanted to tease him a little more, but you didn't want to scare him. Fiddling with the controller, you flick the switch to number two.

Almost in an instant, his body jolts from the stimulation. Though it's more of the abruptness rather than the pleasure itself. But as the shock subdued, the feeling began to build up in the pit of his stomach. It starts slow, and you raise one more level.

He hisses when the toy's setting is getting higher, and his cock begins to swell. He bites his lip, trying to suppress his moan. Alas, you can hear it from his breath. Not sure if he can hear you smirking, but you're barely able to contain yourself. The sight of him is such a feast for your eyes. You finally get why he's eager to please you first, because the reaction from the receiver is worth watching.

You reach into your pants, but you hesitate. You're unsure if you should do it, as you might have missed some of the signs he's showing. The least thing you wanna do is ignoring his subtle stop.

After a short contemplation, you decide to watch him only. You lean back, and prop your head against your hand. You notice his legs tremble slightly, and you pick up the pace for one level. Which makes him throw his head to the back, and moans loudly. His toes start to curl, and his hips move in a jerking motion.

His first orgasm comes with quite an eruption, as his cum spurts out to his abdomen. The opaque liquid glistens on his skin, which makes him look even dirtier. You lean forward, while biting your nail. He looks absolutely ravishing, and you'd jump on him if not because of your self-control.

Helping him ride his orgasm down, you set the setting to three. It will help him recover from high, while keeping the rhythm going. He sighs heavily, before his breath hitches up when he feels the soft vibrations. "(Y/N)—" He called out, but you didn't answer.

Your quietness confuses him for a second, as he can't hear your breath. Not even a sound that can indicate your presence. But you didn't let him think too much, and you immediately hit the second highest setting.

The jump of the beat startles him, and it takes a moment before his numb member gains its sensitivity again. When it happens, the build-up pleasures hit him all at once. And he almost screams when the toy mercilessly pulses around his cock. "(Y/N) please—" He choked up, as his body went stiff.

He's gripping at the pillow, trying so hard not to break the rope. Every muscle in his body becomes prominent, and his dick is red and veiny from the strain. You press your hand against your lips, in an attempt to conceal your smile. The blindfold and the earmuffs really help to reduce his sensory function. Leaving him only with his sense of touch, and smell it seems.

The sight of him arouses you, as you feel yourself wet. He pauses when his nose picks up the scent of your arousal. You notice the cue, and immediately cross your leg. “How long are we going to do this?” He muttered out between the gasps. Still, you refrain yourself from speaking. But even when you didn’t say it out loud, you both already knew the answer.

His shout rips out from his throat when he feels the speed is increasing. Your thumb has set the remote to the highest setting, and you sat back, watching.

He calls out your name again, along with him begging you to speak. But you keep your voice still. You narrowed your eyes on him. The pleasure that he feels will soon turn into pain, and it’s going to be excruciating for him. One orgasm turns into two, and he’s unable to keep his position straight as time goes by.

It’s just one word, really. Hellgate. And you’d immediately stop. For some unknown reason, he didn’t say it. The thought of it just pops up in your mind, as you notice the discomfort in his manner. The buzz from the ring is slightly muffled by his thighs when he curls up. With his heightened sense, and constant stimulation, he’s soon coming with a loud groan.

This time, it’s more unforgiving as the pace stays the same. You didn’t turn down the level of vibration, as your eyes fixated on him. His body is glistening with sweat and his own release—both dried and sticky. Then he sinks into the fort of pillows, while he squirms and moans. But still, he doesn’t yield. Part of you—your inner detective—knows the reason, and it’s not good. He’s an attentive lover, and he could figure out what you want in a second. Yet this time, it’s completely wrong. Based on your reaction, he drew a conclusion that you like watching him in this state. It’s half-true, but it’s not your intention to set up such a play for a selfish reason.

On the seventh counts of his climax, he’s become barely coherent. His semen has stained his body and the bedsheet, and some of them even spewed out to the pillows. If he was certain that you’re there in the room with him before, he couldn’t be sure of it anymore. You kept everything just the same, no movement, no talk, and not even a sound.

Just how long is he gonna keep the act? He’s almost at his limit, even when he hasn’t broken the restraint. It’s pitiful to watch, as the blindfold becomes wet with both tears and sweats. Though you initially enjoyed the view—maybe your inner sadist still enjoys seeing that—it quickly got to the point where you’re more concerned than aroused.

Once again, his body convulses as another wave of pleasure hits him. His cock was in the shade of angry red, as it wept out his cum. The white string of fluid oozes out from the tip of his dick like a stream, dripping down on his inner thigh. You did it, you made him into a sobbing mess, just like he always did to you. But with your hand fidgeting nervously on the controller, you’re beginning to think if you should put it to stop.

“(Y/N), I can’t—” He cried out, “Turn it down.”

Just like that, he puts you in a dilemma. You don’t want to continue it any longer, and doing as he said can lead you to a longer playtime. That’s not your intention, because you just want him to understand, and you want him to say it—

His voice snaps you from your thoughts, and you blink as you realize that he’s repeating the same word. “Hellgate.” He quietly whimpers, as if he’s surrendering himself, “Hellgate.”

It takes two seconds for you to register it, before you’re fumbling with the remote to turn it off. The sigh of relief falls from his mouth, as he collapses on the bed. His breath is heavy, and every fiber in his body seems to shrivel, while exhaustion takes over him.

With caution, you make it to his side and touch his arm. His body jerks at the sudden contact, and you softly mutter to him.

“Shh, it’s just me.” You gently remove the earmuffs and the blindfold, “How are you feeling?”

His teary eyes search up your face, before your smile comes to his view. You roll him over, and begin to undo the bind that you put on him. It leaves a little bit of marks on him, but it’d probably disappear in a minute.

As you reach to pull the ring, he pushes you to the mattress before you can even touch it. Your eyes widen in surprise when he crushes his lips against you, and his hands frantically hold the side of your face. The kiss that you both share is almost hungry, as he presses his mouth closer without giving you a room to breathe.

The stains on the cover stick to your skin uncomfortably, but it slips from your mind when his kisses prove to be a hell of distraction. You regain your control after a while, and quickly work on getting the ring off his cock. He moans at the friction, but his lips are reluctant to part from you yet. He only pulls away from the kiss to murmurs against your lips, "It's awful." He frowned, "I don't want to do it again."

"Okay." You mused as you caressed his hair, "We won't do it again. But you should know that I did it for a reason."

His brows then furrowed, "What do you mean?"

"I did it because I want you to know what I felt." You confessed, "You always gave me so much, but I never felt your presence at all. Only pleasures, but never you."

Your words seem to affect him as his face turns gloom, "So you didn't like the way we had sex?"

"God, no! That's not what I meant. It's just that… I want you to enjoy it as well. You're always trying to make sure that I'm satisfied, but you never even thought of yourself." You smile at him before you kiss his cheek, "I love you, alright? And I want to make you feel good as well."

It's something that has been said before, and you've told him several times. But in this particular moment, he finally understands what you're trying to express. He seems to be taken aback by the idea, and it makes him uneasy. "I'm sorry." It's all he could say.

"It's okay." You pull him to face you before he can turn away. His clear irises stare back into you, and you see guilt. "Just don't ignore me next time."

He nods, and he relents when you tug him closer to kiss him again. He doesn't even fight it when you roll him over, though you suspect it's more because of his exhaustion and muddled mind. But you trust him.

By the end of the day, as you both lay down side by side, completely spent but satisfied, he murmurs something to you. A smile blooms on your face as you peck his lips. Even if he felt compelled to say those words, there's no question that he meant what he said.

[not-poignant]

hi pia how are you? im not a native english speaker and wanted to ask you, when you wrote that caleb is negging faber its not like flirting but manipulation? 😅 i tried looking up the definition. im rereading utr (my fav spin-off i am eagerly waiting for) and would an example of negging be when caleb comments on faber looking like an omega? i thought it was more him talking out loud tbh. or is it when he says about fabers sex toy, one that he didnt give up on? 😂 i really like him haha

Hi anon!

Yes! Your example is spot on - re: commenting on Faber looking like an omega. I'll give you (and others) some more examples, because I think it's definitely worth talking about in general!

I really like Caleb, but he doesn't always speak to Faber very encouragingly in Underline the Red, and some examples are here. He often gives back-handed compliments - things that make Faber feel 'lesser' while making it seem like a compliment at the same time.

It would be like if a guy said something like 'wow that's such a weird laugh, it's so brave of you to laugh like that in public.' It's not really a compliment.

While Caleb doesn't go that far, exactly, he definitely says some things that put Faber in an insecure headspace and keep him there:

‘You taste great,’ Caleb said. ‘But fine, shower then. You’re a prissy little thing, aren’t you?’ Faber had heard far worse his whole life. ‘Yes, I am.’

This happens early on, and Faber takes it as an insult that 'slides off him' (i.e. had heard far worse means he doesn't think it's great, but it's also not going to turn him off). Prissy is not a good thing to be called in general! It's a term for someone who is uptight, and annoyingly fussy - and usually effeminate in nature).

‘It’s pretty. That blond red, I like it. Pretty like all of you. It’s so easy to imagine you’re an omega.’ Faber didn’t tense, but the words slid through him uneasily. Was that what Caleb was doing? He couldn’t find an omega, so he settled for a slighter, leaner beta?

This - Caleb has no reason to bring up omegas as often as he does, and Faber already knows that alphas prefer omegas (and Caleb makes it clear that he prefers omegas). So he's already making it seem like in order to get through sleeping with Faber, he's going to pretend he is one -> This makes it sound like he's not really wanting to accept Faber for who he is.

He could say anything: 'I'm so excited to sleep with a beta' or 'it's my first time, you'll have to help me' or 'You're so pretty' but he adds on a little sting right at the end - it's so easy to imagine you're something you're not.

This kind of 'negging' implies that Faber isn't good enough as he is, while also praising him for being close to it.

And from Faber's reaction, we see he doesn't like it, and it makes him very insecure.

‘Your ass gives a whole new meaning to the word tight,’ Caleb said, sounding a little impatient. ‘It really is much easier with omegas.’ It was a criticism that Faber wasn’t prepared to handle...

Complaining/being impatient on this, and comparing Faber to omegas in an unfavourable way, while also using the compliment of 'tight' is another example of a back-handed compliment. It's not being 'tight' that Faber notices here, it's being told that sex for Caleb is easier with omegas.

There's a couple of other examples - Caleb complaining that it's going to take 'so long' to work open Faber (in comparison to omegas) etc. so the constant 'I'm comparing you to omegas and you're not always measuring up' is happening in the background.

Now don't get me wrong, Caleb also just straight up praises him! He calls him perfect, he actually says a lot of very complimentary stuff. But it's a lot harder to take those comments at face value, when some of his comments have been quite back-handed, or been the kind of compliments that aren't really just straightforward compliments.

This is combined with the fact that Faber wants to be an omega, and feels very insecure about not being one, so all those veiled kind of 'this is harder for me because you're not an omega' compliments hit Faber really hard. He's just pretty good at masking it!

I also think Caleb does some of this on purpose. I think while he's very nurturing with omegas, Faber's not an omega as far as he's concerned, he doesn't have to be as nice and attentive as he normally would for a one night stand.

Caleb and Faber have great chemistry, but they also have some stuff to work out between them. Caleb starts from a position of valuing Faber less because he's a beta, and Faber starts from a position of not valuing himself much, and so taking all of that very much to heart.

We'll see more of how this plays out in future chapters! But for all that their chemistry in the bedroom is really magical (like they are definitely a hot couple!), their relationship as it starts to unfold definitely has some areas that need communication.

They're one of my favourite pairings and the reason I've actually stopped posting chapters is so that when their story is ready (because it properly picks up after Underline the Black), I won't have to put it in hiatus during a really angsty part!! And I can write it more steadily :D

[invested-in-your-future]

What do you think they did wrong with Ruby dealing with her issues?

Long story short - everything.

See, to begin, this connects to one of other pet-peeves I have with the show and the community - and that is people throwing around the idea that "since Yang has trauma we don't need another one one (with psychological trauma)".

It's VERY easy to throw around terms like "trauma" while also inevitably putting bunch of very different experiences together as one and the same.

So first of all, I would like to preface what I am about to say with a pretty simple statement - Ruby's Trauma is not the same as Yang's Trauma is not the same as Blake's trauma is not the same as Weiss trauma.

The way to handle grief is different from PTSD which is also pretty different from the way one would handle a battered-woman syndrome or parental abuse. All are traumatic experiences but they aren't the same.

I think most would agree that a lot of Ruby's issues deal with grief - her journey started with the loss of her mother which she never processed and V3 ended with very important people to her dying right in front of her.

Grief can be…very tricky.

I often like to say that grief is almost "manipulative" towards its host in that it wears many faces - manifesting through very different things within person's life. It's very easy to write it off as "anger" or as "feeling sad', but grief can also make a person feel nostalgic, for example or even induce temporary happiness via that nostalgia. Sometimes it won't rear its head for long while and sometimes, its there with the person every second of every day. Or sometimes a person might wake up in the morning and just not want to get up at all, struggling to find meaning in what they do.

That makes it tricky to deal with it when the key aspect of "dealing" (or rather "living with") trauma is being able to parse and proccess it - how can one process grief if they don't necessarily recognize it? I sort of attempt to reflect that in rewrite in that Ruby might jump from very different viewpoints as she doesn't really know how to handle it and how sometimes specific things being set might set her off too.

Grief is something that manifests VERY differently with each person - there's no magic solution that fits all.

I don't think even "keeping it in the backround" would be as much of an issue - for example it would have been plausible for Ruby to be COMPLETELY happy for entire story up until they get to Atlas and then just within seconds go off-the-rails. Or Ruby could be constantly enveloped in it, finding herself unable to escape - that sometimes happens too - grief is tricky.

The issue is that show doesn't really do either. At no point in the story is Ruby actually allowed to process her trauma or even properly experience it. The show doesn't have her "ignore it" nor "indulge in it". The narrative just gestures towards Ruby and shrugs that she's feeling "some way".

Talking about postponing or ignoring it - a common thing with grief, is that it's very "tempting" to attempt to "postpone" one's grief - "Oh I'll just do this and that, I can't deal with this right now.".

The worst thing you can do with grief is not allowing yourself to actually proccess it - to completely ignore it and to dull your emotions and pretend you haven't gone through a life-changing experience. It's VERY important to let yourself actually grieve.

It sure would be REALLY awful if the end message of a certain volume of RWBY show were to be that you have to just push through and ignore everything in your past and not "dwell" on it and just believe you are perfect and unchanging, even if it meant using a VERY AWFUL analogy to "shed" your issues, huh?

[crystalsenergy]

Self demands (an attempt at how to deal with this, and a genuine transmission of understanding 🌿🌼)

Whether it comes from you to yourself or from others, demands are something that can greatly affect a person's psychological well-being. And often, it's difficult not to be affected.

Living, dealing with my life, getting to know other people, I realized that all of us will feel some kind of pressure at some point in life.

I see demands as something dangerous for a person's mental health, which can make them feel weak, powerless, incapable.

The way we react to it is unique, it's ours. We cannot define a standard reaction to these things because each person reacts differently. But I believe that we can always handle it differently, better for ourselves. And, of course, this way will vary from person to person.

➥ Self-demands

Many times, the demand doesn't even come from outside but from within. And in these cases, I believe we can control the situation more.

I used to be a person who demanded too much of myself, who wanted to achieve perfection in everything and was upset if I didn't reach it, if everything didn't turn out perfect. Until I learned that seeking perfection is exhausting, especially depending on what you're doing.

There are specific phases of our lives that seem like we cannot escape demands. Adolescence is the main one. Parents, school, and society itself place a series of obligations on your shoulders, a lot of times, it's the consequence of their projections on youth. It's really hard. But what I often see are people who, in addition to the pressure from outside, also pressure themselves. And that's very harmful.

As someone who has been through all of this, I strongly advise you to make sure that at least one of the demands doesn't exist. The external one will be there, and you already need to control/try to handle how it will affect you.

So let's try to understand why we demand things from ourselves and how to handle it better. Okay?

First of all, we need to clarify that: ›› Demanding too much of oneself is not the best way to achieve a good result.

➥ Overcoming oneself and others

Many of the thoughts of those who demand too much have to do with the desire to overcome oneself, to surpass one's own limits. Always wanting more from oneself, for you, it's never enough, you never get there. Because you have to work more and more. Overcoming oneself usually has to do with some standard or specific person(s) that have been set in mind as a profile to be followed. But why do people generally have this thought?

➥ Comparisons, influences of personal life history, and what was taught

Many times, excessive demands may be related to what was taught to you as you were growing up. School, family, the outside itself. Ideas that you need to surpass others to be valued, to be considered better. Some comparisons made since childhood: children in schools being seen and compared according to grades and performances, or at home taught by parents that they need to surpass others to be well-regarded.

These thoughts are very misguided, and if they don't cause problems at that age, they can generate frustrations later, in adolescence, for example. What is even worse if we stop to think about it: it's during adolescence that you receive even more demands to carry.

➥ Self-demands to be well Another thing that unfortunately is taught to us is how we should always force ourselves to be well, always smile, sometimes even pretend a good mood and well-being that we are not feeling at all.

With life [and with Psychology too], I learned that hiding things is even worse. Hiding from others is also hiding from oneself. I understand that there are places and people that it's not worth telling how we are feeling; but it's two different things:

Not telling everything to everyone

VS. Pretending to be well

All feelings exist to be lived.

It's like phases that you really need to experience because otherwise, you won't move forward.

It's as if we need to go through the pain, understand it, and of course, seek help from others and within ourselves to get out of it.

Self-demanding to be well soon will never bring benefits.

You really start to see yourself as inferior for not smiling, living life the way others do. And here comes the same teaching that applies to demands in things like school: do not compare.

You live a moment, and people live other moments. Each of us has our own time.

You have smiled a lot and had happy days; you are not just suffering. And in your happy days, there were also sad people going through bad phases. Therefore, each of us has our own moment. Whether good or bad, it must be lived. Do not compare.

➥ Tasks and more tasks

Many people fill themselves with tasks believing that they will be able to fulfill all of them. This also generates many frustrations and can gradually end up with mental health and self-esteem too.

➥ What can happen

These attitudes and thoughts directed at oneself can generate feelings of anxiety and guilt. Anxiety to do more and more things and surpass oneself (which is terrible because you don't live in the moment, you live in anxiety to do one thing after another). Guilt for not being able to do more tasks.

I have been very frustrated with self-demands. It was the vestibular phase, and I was under pressure. School, prep course, relatives. People, in general, put pressure, saying, 'if she doesn't pass…' Expectations also generate demands. The ideal is to allow the person to live their own time.

I also wanted to embrace the world, do several things at the same time. For those on the outside, that was right. "Look up to her, [Name]." "Do it like her, several things at the same time." But no, we need to know how to choose what we are going to do, how we are going to do it.

When you choose to embrace the world =

you put many responsibilities on yourself, overload yourself, and blame yourself a lot for not being able to do all your tasks. And obviously, you won't be able to: you fill yourself with things to do and still seek perfection. There is no time or energy for everything to go this way.

➥ How to deal with it

Calm down, not everything is lost, and things can work out.

Changing habits and deconstructing these thoughts is very important.

Seek help.

Try therapy, healing frequencies available in places like YouTube, relaxing music (music has immense power!), Solfeggio frequencies, binaural frequencies, and not only with a focus on "concentration, learning", because none of this will serve if the foundation of your being is not based on a minimum of self-respect and a search for internal harmony. No one can endure eternal self-demand without succumbing.

Important message: you can and will live your life well. If you demand a lot from yourself today, there is a way out of it. Don't feel bad for demanding from yourself, don't blame yourself. Try to change gradually, take it easy on yourself, live your time, be kind to yourself. And deconstruct the thoughts: perfectionism masks benefits, in the short term and initially, you may perceive this as something good, but in the long run, the downsides prevail.

➥ Have real goals for your routine!

It's no use getting overwhelmed with tasks. Be realistic, define for yourself only what you have the possibility to accomplish in your day.

➥ Do. not. compare. ₊˚.

Everyone has their own pace. Everyone has their own time. Each person will get there in their own time. You are not worse for "still" being here. There is no "still" because you are not behind in anything. Respect your time and be kind to yourself. It's what you deserve.

Do not rush, do not get frustrated.

Detach yourself from others, from standards, from what is required of you in the environments you live in. You are not your demands.

Life is not a race.

"Stop running for nothing, You don't need to have a dream that anyone dreams." "You don't need to follow someone else's dream. Create and chase after your own."

[askbensolo]

Hey Ben!

I first found your blog when i was 13 years old and i just turned 18! I’ve been watching (or rather reading) as you’ve grown, and I’d like to say that you seem to have turned out to be a pretty great person. Even though I hadn’t faced the same challenges as you, it was really comforting to know that i was not alone with personal struggles, and just how hard growing up is. Thank you for being you and sharing that with so many people! I head off to university when my planet transitions to fall, and since you’re out of school now do you have and recommendations for college/university? It seems like such a daunting change, but you seemed to have handled it well. (I mean you did graduate so that’s a pretty big success!) Again I’m super proud of you!

-P.S.

Im glad that you’re getting back in contact with Fannie! You should totally invite her on a day out (go to a park, hang out in a market, etc.) I think those are great ways to better connect with someone if they feel a little distant. (plus that could be a perfect opportunity to ask her if she would like to move in with you)!

Thanks! Stay Awesome Ben!

Hey anon! Congrats on becoming an adult! It’s okay if you don’t feel like one yet, haha—Force knows I didn’t when I was eighteen. I’m glad I could share my growing-up experiences with you and everyone! And I'm glad you think I'm a decent guy. I try. Well, usually.

Congrats on getting into university! Oh, what? You're asking me for advice? Well, yeah, I guess I did graduate, heh. Sure, I'll give it a go.

Don’t freak out about not knowing how to do stuff—like not knowing how to buy groceries, or sign a lease, or navigate local speeder lanes, or apply for a job, or any of that. I used to not know how to do any of that. I was freaked out. But somehow, I learned. And now it’s no big deal. Older students and the holonet are your friends when it comes to figuring that stuff out!

For the love of the Force: take care of yourself. Whoever was taking care of you when you were a kid isn’t there anymore. The seven-year-old in you is gonna think that means you can eat ice cream for dinner and stay up till 2am every night. Don’t. Do. That. You’re gonna need to be your own mom now. Or, you can pretend my mom, the OG Space Mom™, lives in your head and lovingly judges your life choices.

Question the things you’ve been taught. And when professors tell you to question the things you’ve been taught, question their questioning too. But don't question things forever. You need to decide what you believe about things, 'cause otherwise someone else is gonna decide for you.

You don't have to choose certain classes (or even an entire major!) just because they line up with your interests. For example—I tried taking a poetry class. Hated it. I didn't like having my creativity cramped by assignments, and I didn't learn anything I didn't already know or couldn't learn on my own.

Don’t feel pressured to date in college. I didn't date anyone (yeah, I know, you're so surprised). Sometimes I felt like I was being left behind, 'cause I saw so many of my friends get into relationships...but, I saw some nasty breakups, too. Things happen when (and if!) they're meant to happen, so there's no need to stress about it. You know?

Try new stuff! Yeah, it sounds cliche. But I let my roommate drag me to the gym when I was a squishy noodly boi, and now lifting's my thing. You never know what you might be into!

Always keep the big picture in mind. Sure, it may feel like the end of the galaxy when you flunk an exam or fail a class. But do you really think you’re gonna care about that when you’re like, fifty? Nah bro. Keep it chill. And sometimes that even means dropping out of a minor or an honors program, if you look into the future and realize it won't really make a difference.

Don't do deathsticks. If anyone offers you deathsticks tell them to go home and rethink their life.

That's all the advice I can currently think of, though I'm always happy to share more from my infinite (not really) stores of wisdom! And thanks for your advice, too—those totally sound like things Fannie would be into.

Thanks for reaching out! You're gonna do great at college, little buddy!

[sukifoof]

hi i am once again back to talk about how flowey is an extremely good example of how to write ptsd :) but this time i am Also thinking about toriel and how similar she and flowey are... i’ve played undertale so many times and i’m Once Again nearing the end of the game, so i’ve been thinking a lot about how everything he says at the end of his fight makes me cry, but ESPECIALLY this line

everything he does is an effort to keep himself from being hurt again. he refuses to let himself get close to anyone, even his own parents, for fear of losing those he loves again. he’d rather kill over and over to have a sense of control over the loss he experienced than accept what happened. he cant let go-- he has to have control, because if he doesn’t, who knows how bad he might get hurt again. he’s an incredibly good example of what dealing with that kind of loss feels like and Oh Boy it Always gets me

its much easier for him to lie to himself and say he doesnt care at all and that he Does have complete control and that he Knows Whats Going To Happen Without A Doubt. he needs to know everything that could happen and he freaks out at any circumstance of learning something new. he says he’s bored, but he doesn’t really seem to... want?? new experiences?? he’s comfortable in this sad little life he lives because he’s scared of the future and what could change.

a lot of his alarm clock dialogue also shows how everything has affected him. of course he goes on about how it would be completely useless if he got a bike and that once you grow up you stop wanting things for the holidays. it’s pretty. depressing... he was deprived of the childhood he should have had, and now he feels it’s too late for him to be allowed to experience that. trauma can like. take a chunk out of your life that you’ll never get back, and it’s really interesting to see how that changed the way flowey views himself and his parents.

and toriel is a perfect emotional parallel to flowey. she closes herself off. she too wants to keep you there forever and pretend everything is perfectly fine, but she breaks so much easier than flowey. the human children she took care of reminded her of the children she lost, and while she doesn’t want to let them go, she does. she wants you to leave and just forget about her a never come back, just like asriel. somebody needs to take care of those flowers. flowey and toriel are extremely similar in the way they handle grief, so that makes this line extremely interesting

toriel will always open her heart to new kids that need to be taken care of, because she feels she failed her own children. toriel is willing to get hurt just to try to correct her past and prove that she can save at least one child. but, she can’t even take care of herself, and neither can flowey. he constantly neglects his emotional needs for the sake of never being hurt ever again, and the fact that toriel does the opposite probably really irks him. he just doesn’t Get it. but he still considers himself the Prince Of This World’s Future. he still tries to take care of toriel and gives her a glass of water when she passes out and puts her to bed.

he still wants to take care of everyone. i don’t know how much i’ve talked about it but i feel like a lot of his relationship with chara was him trying to take care of them as an older brother, and they both were given too much responsibility as children. so the fact that he thinks they died because he didn’t want to fight back, and that the whole kingdom fell into despair after their deaths is. oh boy. he definitely feels like a failure and he doesn’t know how to repair the damage he feels he’s caused. and now that he’s doomed to live in the underground forever, repeating over and over starting from right after everything was ruined for him? of course he thinks there’s no happy endings.

he takes on this huge task of saving everyone at his own expense but he can’t even take care of himself. similar to toriel, frisk almost feels like a redo of what happened with chara. he’s projecting the past onto them, as is common with ptsd. he’s convinced that they’ll leave and he’ll be lonely and sad forever again. so he keeps them there and goes, “okay, if you can defeat me (Which You Cant) i’ll free everyone and break the barrier.” because of COURSE that’s what felt like an impossible challenge to him. he makes himself the delta rune, a symbol of a savior; something he was never able to live up to, and something no child should Have to live up to.

his whole fight is him pretty much fighting against himself and this mindset he’s been stuck with for who knows how long. he has to accept that he can’t control/ save everything and that it’s okay to let go. he has to be saved from his own way of thinking and be shown that he’s worthy of being saved. his “i’m not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again” always makes me cry cuz he’s so clearly reliving his trauma and struggling to accept that chara is gone. it’s just such a good way to depict trauma and loss and how it feels to go through something like that.... flowey is such a well written character i love him

[energysoda]

Breaking Bad Theory: How Walt Could've Gotten Away With It by Pretending to be Gay (Spoilers for the Entire Show)

Okay this has been on my mind for AWHILE. Since I was still watching season 5. Walter White could have potentially convinced (or at least given an alibi to) Hank that he wasn't Heisenberg by saying that he liked men. Particularly, Gale.

So, to set up the scene in Season 5 where Hank finds the Walt Whitman book and then connects all the dots to Walter. Walt goes and confronts him about the missing book, and Hank admits he figured out Walt is Heisenberg. Instead of going with it, Walt could have said this story:

He was bi. Or at least bicurious. Gale was one of his lovers. His whole life he had pushed down his attraction to men, but the cancer gave him a crisis because he believed that it was the end for him. So, thinking he was going to die soon, he started experimenting with this attraction with men. His whole "fugue state" was just another part of that crisis, he spent that time out of town talking to various different guys. Trying to figure himself out. This was always his reason for the two phones. And maybe he met Gale during his fugue state, or maybe it was a bit later. But either way, Walt could say they ended up getting involved.

He had absolutely no idea that Gale was involved in the meth business. He thought he was just a failed potential mind for science like himself. So when he found out that Gale was dead, and that they found those lab notes basically confessing to the crime-- he was shocked. It was hard to believe. He didn't say anything because he was ashamed of being gay. He was scared that Gale could have been shot as a hate crime, as well as if he told the truth that Hank would be homophobic to him: something he just couldn't handle since he was already experiencing so much in his life. He already lost a lover, he didn't want to lose his family too. Plus, it is already known that Walt has a huge ego and is extremely prideful, he could play into that if he thought to.

And the best part is, this would make a lot of sense. It would explain the fugue state, the second phone, his issues with Skyler-- Walt's weird behavior in general. Hank already thought he was having an affair, so why not go ahead and confirm it but with a twist Hank couldn't have expected? The time that Walt got drunk after Gale died could be explained as him grieving, and his saying that he didn't think Gale was Heisenberg could be explained off as denial that his lover could be the mastermind behind the Heisenberg case.

And Gale isn't exactly the text book example of a heterosexual man. Nah, he's gay as hell honestly. And that little note in his notes about W.W. being his shining star and perfect silence, could definitely be interpreted as a love note. And hey, the notes already had random stuff like doodles and brownie recipes so why not add other unrelated stuff like love notes in it?

His gift of the Walt Whitman book to Walter could also help support this. Walt Whitman was speculated to be homosexual or bisexual, particularly because of his poetry. Walter could totally explain the gift as a symbol of their relationship, especially with the note "to my other favorite W.W."

Anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, I guess it was never meant to be though since Walter White's stupid ass pride would never allow him to go with this. But it's interesting how well it would have worked, and honestly I do think Gale did have some sort of feelings for him. Tbh. Because that Walt Whitman thing and the love note and just Gale being Gale in general is very compelling evidence to me.

But yeah, I guess this is just another example of how if Walter's ego and pride got in the way, and how he could have made a lot smarter moves and would have been able to keep himself going if he wasn't so stupid about that pride. Another example of how ego destroys intelligence.

[sostrangerous]

l*ser's br*cket has been so... disappointing for me too. they did all this build up for the wedding and then essentially nothing happened? they couldn't even be bothered writing out the best men's speeches? it was one big scene of going "thing happened then thing happened then thing happened. the end <3". not to mention the latest chapter (idk if you've read it yet so um. spoilers for that ahead) but it was such an utter anti climax. after all this will-they-won't-they instead of bursting it open it felt like a slow diffusion for no reason... i think nahyck is one of the pairs in dream that have a lot of good tension like that even as their default irl, and it's totally being wasted here. IDK. it's the midpoint, so ofc there's a lull before the next rising tension, i just find it weird to have your lull in your gay romance fic be the culmination of the gay romance. LMAO. hopefully things pick back up soon, but the fact that it's meant to be a nahyck hating each other fic and they've basically been best buds for the last 80k i think proves the point basically. just like how markno's family brought no drama to the wedding, there's been a distinct neatness to something that really should be much messier. if that's to come in the chapters ahead then like, why even bother making the fic so much about the wedding? lol

im not sure how I feel about criticizing fic bc it feels a bit mean but also art is art and nobody reads this blog anyway so, LOL

I agree so hard about the neatness of the story. I realized that this fic is about well adjusted people being mature around eachother, which is not compelling to me. Admittedly I think I also write characters who are well adjusted to a somewhat silly degree (even fyck Mark. considering the shit he's dealing with, I think he handles stuff really well. Or at the very least, he could be a lot worse)

anyway!! yeah this fic is simply too long and slow and sweet for me. Slice of life isn't my thing at all and I'm an impatient horny fuck so slow burn irritates me

and as previously stated, the fact that the wedding is so normative aggravates me due to who I am as a person. I'm glad they didn't write out the best man speeches though, speeches are lame. But also I think the revelation that jeno was wearing a corset is the perfect example of what I mean. It's not kinky or naughty to wear a corset, put that boy in a collar for his wedding and I'd be interested. A picturesque color coded matching suit wedding (with family in attendance) is just too... cis? normie? i don't know how to put it

I really hope they do something with haechans relationship with his family though because the tension there is killing me. Don't tell me it's fine!!! Don't fucking tell me this status quo is fine I can't handle it. Let haechan rage, let his mom be a piece of shit to him. I'm not closeted to my mom but I don't talk to her about my sexuality and it's uncomfortable and it sucks. I want to see that awkward, not quite good enough but I love you anyway, how could you ever do that to me, why do you pretend it never hurt me kind of relationship. Parents and kids man

[skaterfairy02]

An Ode to Yargı: Part 1

Yargı has been a life-changing show to watch. I haven't felt this way about a tv show - in any language - in a long time (or ever? if i think about it).

TV shows are unique in that they are vulnerable to being driven by ratings. Depending on the country, TV shows are either renewed season by season based on ratings and revenues and may only have 1 season of 16-17 episodes (most K Dramas), or in the case of Turkish dizis (like Yargı), driven by the ratings of each episode. Let me stop here and provide a disclaimer: I am not Turkish, I haven't been watching Turkish dizis for very long, and I probably don't understand the intricacies and complexities of how the Turkish dizi industry works. I only started watching dizis after stumbling upon a youtube fan edit for Nazli & Ferit from Dolunay during the COVID-19 lockdown in Spring 2020. The rest is history. However, it's not hard to see that because dizis mostly depend on the ratings of each episode, the story which the writers set out to tell can suffer as a result. This is not to say that dizis are the only tv shows to fall victim to this pattern. Even with season-by-season renewal, American shows suffer from this phenomenon as well. The first couple seasons of a show might be amazing with very crisp writing, but then the show steadily declines in the later seasons, show-runners change, cast members leave, and you really question why you're still watching the show. Since diving into dizis and learning the bare minimum about Turkish ratings, it seems this phenomenon is just more underscored.

But Yargı has been a game-changer. It's been absolutely beautiful to watch the writer's story play out so far, with so much attention given to all the details, and the actors have truly done an amazing job bringing it to life. At 17 episodes (over 34 hours!), I am still just as excited for the next episodes as I was when I watched the first couple of episodes. It's been extremely comforting to hear the writer (Sema Ergenekon, who is amazingly talented and a genius honestly) openly say that she has the story and the rest of the episodes mapped out, indicating a strategic plan with a definite endpoint. I don't think I could handle a situation where the show was extended for no reason and the plot stretches and suffers as a result. Yargı has truly earned its viewers' trust.

However, beyond the trust that Yargı has earned from me, the show and its fans are also teaching me a lot and subtly causing me to examine my own internalized ideologies, in a way that I can easily say few shows in the world have done for me.

On the surface, I find myself relating to Ilgaz and Ceylin and their struggles in ways that are more obvious. Ilgaz is the oldest and nothing but perfection has been expected of him. When he tells his father Metin (I lovingly refer to him as Metinhoe/Metintrash) that he had to grow up so quickly and was never allowed any mistakes, it really resonated for me. Ceylin, on the other hand, has been trying her best to sustain her family despite their trials and tribulations, and her strongest familial bond is with her younger sister, again reflecting certain aspects of my own life.

However, the beauty of Yargı is that the characters are much deeper than what we are initially exposed to, and more human than what most shows allow of their characters. The best example of this is Ceylin. Ceylin is a flawed character. She is scrappy and resilient, as life has forced her to be, and goes after what she needs, though not always in the most acceptable way. But she knows who she is and does not pretend to be anything else. I am actually so in awe of this characteristic of hers. She is also loving, supportive, compassionate, empathetic, merciful, and forgiving, but is convinced (thanks in large part to her family) that she isn't deserving of fulfilling and loving relationships, so she runs away from things. When women talk about wanting to see flawed female characters, THIS is what we mean. Ceylin's flaws are authentic, born out of her life experiences, and while inconvenient at times, they are highly relatable and honestly endearing because of that. She is NOT flawed for the purpose of being endearing to the male gaze (NOT a manic pixie dream girl or any of her variants). I love Ceylin and who she is because she inspires me to be strong, even when mistakes are made and life is going off the rails. Ceylin is beautiful because of who she is, not in spite of it, and it took seeing this character for me to realize how true that is for us as individuals - that our flaws don't necessary diminish us or make us less worthy of love.

Ilgaz is also a beautiful character, but one I have more questions about and am still understanding. I think this is because I have so deeply internalized the way male characters are generally portrayed that whenever Ilgaz does something outside that structure, I have to grapple with it and it takes me time to understand it. Ilgaz has been living a life in golden chains, but chains nonetheless. His parents worked hard to help set him up for a respected career as a prosecutor and as we learn more about Ilgaz, it's obvious that just because he is a very respected prosecutor -- and he is morally upright, dedicated to doing his job well -- his family (see: Metinhoe/Metintrash) expects his personal life to be equally black and white and by the book. However, when his life intersects with Ceylin's, we start to learn what Ilgaz himself values. Yes, he values integrity, honesty, and hard work, especially with regards to his job and the law, but he is also very loving and supportive. Unlike his father, he does not believe that integrity, honesty, and hard work are mutually exclusive with expressing compassion and understanding, especially when life gets hard. Like Ceylin, he seeks to understand his loved ones and does whatever is in his power to help them. He is the exact opposite of a toxic man.

Edit: Yargı is now on episode 51. Since then, a lot more thoughts have been thunk, so I will write a part 2. However, the overall message is still the same, watch Yargı for clear skin.

[fromevertonow]

Bloodlines vs Throne of Glass: The Two Sides of the YA Coin

!If you haven’t read either of these series but wish to, I will include vague spoilers in here. You’ve been warned!

In both these series, the female protagonist gets abducted and the male love interest tries to find her and get her back. The difference between these two scenarios though is the way in which the reunion of the couple is handled. Sure, they both go through infinite loopholes to get rid of their pursuers, but things differ the moment they finally have a moment to stop and breathe.

Let me ask you a question: once you get out of a torturous isolation that you’ve been in for months, do you think sex is one of the first things that’d be on your mind?

Because it apparently is for Rowan and Aelin. It’s been almost 1,5 year since I first read Kingdom of Ash and I’m still bothered with how SJM handled their reunion. They had their extremely brief catch up wherein Aelin explained how much she suffered during her imprisonment, but right after that they got down and dirty. It doesn’t make any sense. Wouldn’t they have wanted to just take in each other’s presence after such a long time of being apart? What is the point of including an explicit scene in a YA fantasy series where the main priority is the plot?

Then there’s Sydney and Adrian. Yes, there was a brief moment where they almost did do it… but they eventually didn’t. And that is a choice made by Richelle Mead, just as much as it was a choice of SJM to include that sex scene. Adrian even makes it perfectly clear that sex wasn’t at all on his mind when he first had a private moment with Sydney again. He just wanted to hold her and be near her. It’s literally phrased that way. In my opinion that makes their reunion even more romantic.

Recent YA stories have become much more sexed up because that is what a lot of authors/publishers think would sell better. Yes, there is a group of readers who do like to read smut, and that’s their choice, but does that mean that Young Adults should be exposed to those kinds of scenes? It’s not ‘YA’ at all, and I realize the meaning of that age group is very vague, but let’s pretend this is about 12-18 yo. These are stories for MINORS. Let that sink in!

It just so happens to be that I’m naming SJM here, notorious for her problematic inclusions of, among many other things, explicit scenes, but that doesn’t mean plenty of other authors don’t market their NA stories as YA too. It’s become a huge problem in the literary world and a lot of stories are blending into each other more and more every day bc of these marketing strategies. The same tropes, the same aesthetics, the same character sets—all because one particular story did so well money-wise. So many YA fantasy stories have immortal, drop-dead gorgeous fae in them who eventually always end in up in some sexual scenario. And it’s always the same plot: young woman finds immortal man who’s fifty times her age, they start out as enemies and learn to accept each other. But, all the while, there all these sexual connotations that could have been left out.

It’s long been established that in recent years, the lines between what is age appropriate have been blurred. But does that mean we have to agree with what is happening in front of us? An example of what is perfect for a YA with a romance (sub)plot is Six of Crows. How obsessed is the book community with all three main ships? How many of them have actually had sex? I fucking adore the complexities that Kaz brings with his phobia. It makes his attraction to Inej all the more meaningful. Every time he touches her, it’s like he’s winning a battle from another inner demon. For Inej. The woman he loves. It adds to the romance between them, but, more importantly, it is such an integral part of his characterization, his development.

Most of what’s being published in the YA genre is so superficial. It’s not about morality anymore, or winning personal battles, or showing strength. It’s all about sex. And to me, sex doesn’t sell. That is a personal opinion, but I miss the times where I could pick up a book and think, yes, this is something I can relate to. Or a book that just, simply, makes me think after I read it. A story needs to mean something. If it doesn’t offer anything beyond the superficial, then what is the point? Especially when we’re talking about the age group 12-18. A group that’s literally trying to figure out who the fuck they are. What can they make up of solid, useless smut? Explain that to me.

Ps. I know I ramble sometimes but this topic just really frustrates me