#late diagnosed everything tbh

[genderimpala]

anyone else stay home for a while and be like "hmmmm been acting fine lately. maybe i'm not autistic." and then you have one (1) social interaction and you're like ah. the Autism strikes again.

[babypuffinzoe]

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[birbtails]

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[soquimic]

some things i’ve manifested using the law of assumption —note that i’ve been using it to manifest for years, i was around 8 or 9, so it’s a lot—

1- when i was 8, i remember leaving the church and going home. i really wanted to go to the mall that day because it was almost xmas eve and there’s a lot of activities in my country, i also wanted to see the big xmas tree by the electric stairs. i remember that i affirmed everyday only one affirmation, i didn’t pay attention but lately i realized that ive always been living in the end and didnt realize because my affirmation stated the desire already fulfilled. i affirmed the whole day, i even went to the backyard and looked at the sky as if i was talking with god or something similar. i started affirming around 11 am and by 5 pm my mom was getting ready and i asked her “where are you going?” and she literally told me: i received your school grades, they are all good for me so im taking you to the mall. i lived happily the whole week because i thought that was my first encounter with god or something 😂😂

2- this was in my freshman or sophomore year, i really cant remember the time really well in this one but i do remember that my friend and i had fought and i was really scared because he ignored me everyday and we used to be really close so i reminded my subconscious everyday for like 3 days straight that they were not mad, they were just dealing with stuff or busy (yeah the gaslighting 😘😘) and nah, by day 4 he talked to me again and everything was back to normal like nothing happened.

3- food. yes, the thing i manifest the most is food because i adore eating. i used to live with the assumption: my mom is bringing me chocolate/cheesecake or pizza from work today. EVERY WEEK. and it would happen, i got used to it and stopped assuming random things that had to do with food.

i cant remember any other one, dementia patient right here 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

as for my recent ones, ive got a bunch. im a very anxious person and tbh manifesting before was way easier than now. the pressure is killing me but i still managed to manifest stuff from 2021 to this day.

1- a boyfriend. yes, i manifested a boyfriend around april 2021. i didnt go into detail but he had everything i was looking for + he was amazing (at first ofc), he later changed and i had to start attending to therapy sessions cause i got diagnosed and im still traumatized. i forgot to script the loyalty part… so yeah he definitely did cheat and gaslit me. but he made me feel amazing while it lasted. we broke up around 2 months ago and we had 2 years together. i didnt manifest the break up, he did. which is good. the universe sent me signs cause days later after the break up i found out messages and stuff of him cheating the same week of the break up.

2- i manifested for my attachment to go away. note: im the type of person to get attached emotionally to people, i was emotionally depending on my ex, so as soon as we broke up i had a dream where somebody told me to just go out the day after and spoil myself. buy whatever i want and spend some money cause i was working so hard to buy the flight to go and see him. 4 days later when i found out he was with another person i cried in my way to work and i was feeling so well that day that i literally did my hair and makeup but it got smudged :(( but that was the last and first time i cried over him after everything was over. next day i woke up feeling positive and i suddenly let everything go. bad people eventually get what they deserve in life so i just got over it and im not attached to him or the old story anymore!!

3- i manifested new friends plus i contacted my old friends back. most of them were in bad terms with me cause i blocked them out of nowhere because of my ex, everything was so messed up but they forgave me and they are very good friends after all, they text me and hype me up every day so i cannot be more grateful :D

4- i manifested my sp :D after these 2 months i thought to myself: if that person could move on, you can too. so i did, although my sp and me are not fully prepared for a relationship rn, we’re both aware of our mutual attraction and promised to give us time until we were both fully healed 🫶🏻

5- MONEYYYYYY. yeah it sounds like im too ambitious when it comes to money but im soooo silly. i spend everything i get plus i need to pay for my own stuff at school. i dont like bothering my parents with my expenses —even though they are supposed to provide for me but i feel like a problem when i do that so—, i manifested money like 4 times this year??? first, my parents never give me more than 100 for my birthday and all of a sudden they gave me 500$??? i even posted about it my happiness was out of the roof. i went to the cinema w my friends to watch an anime movie that got released on my birthday yayayaya. later, i started working and got like 1,200 in the summertime and now i manifested more money this week TO SAVE. i literally by assuming got into the void and manifested a bag full of money. i wont stfu about it IM AMBITIOUS in a good way with money, i need to move out and start building my future (bro im still 17 😔)

6- clothes and makeup. uMmm im not a fan of makeup tbh buttttt i wanted to have some in case one day i decide to put some on, my skin has always been clear and pretty, my lashes are super long and my eyebrows are really thick so i only worry about doing a perfect lip combo. i got a box and 2 bags full of makeup <3 especially makeup of my favorite brands 😙😙😙 i also was able to buy clothes online very similar to the ones that i had on my pinterest boards ^^ but i kinda forgot to buy shoes.. BFFR 😭😭😭 ive been repeating the same 5 shoes, but im gonna buy some new ones soon!!

7- colognes and jewelry 😘😘😘😘😘 yes, im a fan of these too!! my dad gave me a box full of earrings and rings. but not any kind of earrings, LONG AND BIG EARRINGS W UNUSUAL DESIGNS just how i like them. and some cute rings w rabbit, figures, etc. the colognes smell really well!! i got the nicki minaj perfume in all versions, dior colognes and a box with like 8 different types of victoria’s sprays 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️

8- a good school year. its only been a month but ive made friends and i find a lot of people WHO SUDDENLY KNOW ME, waving at me in the hallways and im like OH YEAH HI even tho idk who they are?? it feels so goodddddd i feel like an it girl omg 😭😭😭 and also my grades are MAGNIFIC, i got accepted in our honors program and im currently a staff cadet in our military program I DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO ACQUIRE A HIGH RANK HERE BUT I DID ITTTT I DID ITTTT IM LEADING :D

yeah i cant remember more but thats all i’ve accomplished so far, see u dont need the void to fucking manifest 🥱🥱🥱🥱 gurllll-

[peachesofteal]

peach, thanks so much for sharing that bit of your life.

i got diagnosed with bipolar disorder a little over a year ago while i was in college (i spent a good few months with an existential crisis because of it). i graduated this past december and i'm still working on the transition to a care team i feel comfortable with in my current area (my university had incredible resources, so the real world is kind of jarring tbh).

while there is a very real mental health stigma still in my family, my parents and siblings are a reliable support system. i have really amazing friends who care and check in with me.

however, none of these people in my life are diagnosed with mental illness. talking about things that are going on in my head or body is a bit of a struggle because while well intentioned, the people who care about me the most don't understand what it's like. reading about your experience was incredibly validating for everything i went through before my diagnosis (i spent a winter thinking i just had depression/anxiety and was taking anti-anxiety and anti-depressants... imagine my surprise when i had to go to the er for serotonin syndrome) and everything i've been experiencing as of late.

it's really fucking nice to know that you're not alone and that these things you're telling yourself, other people are also experiencing.

Big life changes can be really hard just in general (like graduating) and I’m so glad you have a healthy support system. That’s really key, it’s so much harder when the support is lacking, even if they maybe don’t really ✨ get ✨ it. You’re certainly not alone and I’m happy you felt validated! I know that feeling and it’s really nice.

Also, finding good care can be a crapshoot but don’t give up.

I wish you a happy, healthy spring 🩵

[ardenrabbit]

Hello!

A Long and Slow Recovery - are we past the halfway point? I am so excited to see how everything turns out. Did you do a lot of research to delve into Xie Lian’s experience with recovery? It’s very well written with regard to his mental and emotional struggles. Also , I just love how you write Hua Cheng and Xie Lian’s interactions.

Those Worthy of Following( new name change!) - I gushed about it in your comment section but need to emphasize how much I love that opening chapter with the dual between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. And this dynamic, of Hua Cheng being the prince, and Xie Lian being the bodyguard, is A+++. Xie Lian is so calm and kind and powerful. He was so fierce about Hua Cheng not talking down about himself. Like,yes gege, please show your Hua Cheng how precious he is, haha. I ❤️ reading Xie Lian showing his protectiveness of Hua Cheng, even from the man himself. I’m also keen to see how Feng Xin and Mu Qing will take to Xie Lian in this verse too.

Is there anything else you can share about it that’s not spoilers? If not, that’s fine too!

Your writing is just delicious - a pleasure, something to savor and come back to again and again.

Thank you!

Omg thank you so much 💕😭💕 Your comments are always such a delight!! It's so validating and encouraging and I hope you know that!!

We are indeed past the halfway point in alasr! I honestly just kind of know what happens in a big blob with like half a dozen bullet points, so I don't have a final chapter count ready, but Chapter 20 is basically the start of the second half of the story. I originally thought the fic was gonna end at just about the New Year celebration, but it turns out his recovery is taking a lot longer than that, and his recovery isn't even the only one we're dealing with now, so I got ambitious. The premise also uh deserves a little more closure and resolution than that lol, so Arc 2 is gonna be a little higher stakes than we've had so far.

I'm so glad you're enjoying how I'm writing Xie Lian and his recovery! Haha I did research a variety of other conditions and disabilities and read accounts from people who have them, because that's just good research. Honestly, though, inspiration for the vast majority of Xie Lian's mental/emotional struggles have been sourced from firsthand experience :)

I'm mentally and physically disabled and have been my whole life, and I wasn't even diagnosed with anything (I was somehow just diagnosed with Teenager) until I hit rock bottom about it in adulthood. I've gotten to a better place with the mental stuff, but even though it's no longer an active threat to me, my bad days can still leave me nonverbal, disconnected from reality, and sometimes catatonic. The physical stuff has been getting worse over the years, and even though I can still walk independently with a cane when I leave the house (as long as I rest a lot), I still fall down just walking in my own home. I keep having to remember that my chronic pain and fatigue isn't normal, and I keep getting evidence that I'm worse than I thought. I've had to reorganize my life around all of it and I'm uh. Not taking it well lately lol.

So alasr is my self-therapy project. Xie Lian is going to get better and I'm not, and that still kind of pisses me off lol, but it's nice to vent and see someone else get a happy ending. So...yeah, at least writing alasr has helped distract me from my own pity party, and Xie Lian's anger, despair, guilt, and forced optimism are cathartic for me. It's not just about me, though; obviously I'm trying to stay in character for him and write in the context of his specific circumstances. But I guess I relate to sick fic stuff lol

Fully aware that that was a lot of oversharing 💜

But ANYWAY, AS FOR ✨ THOSE WORTHY OF FOLLOWING ✨ I'm so glad you're liking that one so far too!! I craaaaave protective badass Xie Lian and I needed a different brand of angst and drama from alasr for a while lol. I love writing violence tbh. I don't wanna spoil too much, but I definitely wanna confirm this:

TWOF is NOT a post-canon reincarnation fic. I'm personally not up for writing that kind of loss of all their canon experiences. And there are probably some really well-written takes on it! It's just not personally my speed. 😅 This one might seem like a post-canon reincarnation fic in the first couple chapters, but it'll make more sense soon.

It IS angst with a HAPPY ending, I promise!! What I'm planning right now gets really rather sad and it might seem hopeless at some point, but I promise, I'm confident in my plan to make it genuinely happy and fulfilling!

I'm exploring a trope about which I've had some general hangups, but I honestly enjoy taking tropes and tweaking them to my preferences. I think a lot of people can already guess what trope I'm talking about, which is fine with me! If it means the buildup and foreshadowing are working, I'm happy it fits!

What I'm panicking about with this wip is that I've convinced myself that I need to earn a doctorate in Tang Dynasty battle and siege tactics to write it credibly lmao. I spent three hours the other night researching ancient Chinese fire starters and the differences between Han and Tang era tea preparation (to little avail). This one is gonna take a lot of research for my own peace of mind but I hope it pays off!

Mu Qing and Feng Xin are gonna be okay!! Someone commented on ch2 that they liked that Mu Qing got hurt because they hate him and I'm like...I didn't think I'd framed that as a good thing..... 😅 That was something a Bad Guy did.......... 😅😅😅

Thank you so much for your kind comments and all of the fun engagement!! I'm truly so honored that you've enjoyed my writing so far! 💖💖💖

[sadaveniren]

Hi! Why do you think BG is still going? I see a lot of people saying that it is an alternative to Louis having to have a beard but in my opinion it's much worse to use a child who has no say in the matter and will probably grow up damaged than a beard who has signed up for the job and is getting paid well. A child is not needed to maintain a closet. So with that in mind, why do you think Louis is stuck with Freddie?

Okay you are like the fourth or fifth anon who has insisted that a child is not a way to maintain a closet and while I... guess I get where you are coming from I feel like everyone asking this seems to be forgetting that this isn't just... a decision Louis made in 2022.

Here lemme just include a portion of this ask and then I'll ramble behind a cut

That anon is 100% right btw. This decision was made in 2015 (tbh I think it was probably made in late 2014 but that's a whole separate talk) by music execs who wanted something flash in the pan for their boyband that was about to lose one of their most well known members (Zayn - and no this isn't blaming Zayn for BG I am lying the guilt very FIRMLY on the feet of Sony/Syco/Modest/Simon for this one). What happened after has just been... a shit show.

I don't think Louis knew there was going to be an actual fucking baby involved until October when Belfast happened and when the baby was born I don't think anyone knew how long this was supposed to last. They took almost two weeks to file the birth certificate. I think they were trying to figure out something else to go forward with it, and they were trying to muddle all of what was coming out so fandom didn't know top from bottom.

They ultimately decided to file the birth certificate and go the paternity route and everything was then meant to lead up to a paternity test denial. And then Jay got diagnosed with cancer in March 2016 and everything went off the rails.

I think decisions were made back in 2016 because of that so Louis could have the privacy he wanted for his mother and BG was put on the back burner of his mind. I think Louis did two years of hard pap work for BG before he decided "okay I'll move back to London and let this baby thing die off, I'll focus on making music I want to make and I'll figure it all out later." He did Xfactor like Simon wanted in 2018, he avoided LA like a plague, and he tried to get Walls made.

I think he might have felt he found a good balance ignoring everything by 2020 and not mentioning it and then Briana had to go and get fucking sued because she scammed some dude for fake boobs. I'm not expecting anyone to remember this but I went on a VERY LONG RANT about how dangerous of a position that put Louis and his business companies in because it involved taxes and the IRS. I would not be surprised that that moment basically made Louis go "okay well I can't just let things lie because then I'll have a bigger mess on my hand and stuff will creep up that I can't control that involves my closet" and so he has taken back over the stunt so he can have control over his closet.

Here's basically where I'm at and you can agree or disagree but this is what it is: Louis ending BG without coming out would be very difficult. Someone asked me "what do you mean babies are part of the closet" and it's kinda like... a baby is like the ultimate proof to the heterosexual world that you are heterosexual. You have had verifiable sex with the opposite sex. The nuance of how that all happens is lost in part of the bigger heterosexual picture. If you remove the baby from the equation you are now left with "Turns out Louis Tomlinson isn't the dad of the baby his fans never thought was his because they think he's gay and in a relationship with Harry Styles." And the fact that they have let it go on longer and longer just makes the fact you can't end it without forcing him out of the closet very difficult.

Especially if they don't have another section of the closet to fill that piece. AKA... he gets engaged or married to his long term girlfriend. Because what most people try to accomplish with their closets is that people don't go snooping around it. And losing BG would cause people to do that with Louis. "oh that baby was fake what about your relationship? oh you and this girlfriend have been together for how long and you guys never post anything normal or have gotten married/engaged? huh... weird"

And if he is trying to remove having a public girlfriend from his public persona, which I think he is, the only piece of the closet he has left is BG. Because if he removes BG he has to do SOMETHING to re-enforce the heterosexuality. He'd need to up the girlfriend side of things. He might need to get "engaged" so that way people don't go poking around at his closet.

TL;DR: BG is being used because it has been here. They missed the boat of ending the stunt at a time where it wouldn't have immediately outted Louis and now they have to use BG as part of his closet until Louis is able to come out. Which is his right to choose when he wants to come out. Does it suck for the kid? Verdicts out tbh but I'm not someone who thinks the kid really knows what's going on at this point outside of "oh hey I know this famous dude and go to Christmas with these people who are nice to me" and I also think when he's not with Louis - which is a lot - he's probably living his little six year old life with his mom and dad.

[muffinpines]

Long time no see... Does anyone even still follow me? Am I talking to the void?

When I started depression meds back in the day it mellowed me out, I basically stopped having hyperfixations and didn't draw as much fanart as I used to. I thought maybe i just grew up.

Tumblr was awful for my mental health, you know how it was. So I decided to leave. It was a good choice tbh. It's been like 5 years or something. I touched some grass.

I've been on Instagram this whole time and it is so lifeless and boring. The community of a fandom doesn't happen the same way over there. But I didn't really have a fandom so I didn't really care.

Anyway, I went off my meds recently, just to see how I'd function. I was diagnosed with ADHD and now take something for that, which it doubles as a depression med so maybe it would take care of everything all by itself. Incorrect, I'm doing awful! So bad! Taking to a doctor soon to sort it out...

But i have my first proper hyperfixation in a billion years, because I watched Good Omens (late to the party, I know.) just as I had gotten off the meds, and my mentally ill brain zeroed in on it like some heat seeking missile.

It's ironic, I avoided the show because of it's "tumblr cringe" reputation. Who am I kidding! I have a lot of tumblr cringe in my bones, I always have. I miss tumblr, I miss the community. I don't want to spend a hyperfixation on Instagram.

I haven't cared about anything like this in a longgg time. I'm so happy in that regard. But also I'm cripplingly depressed and anxious. So I'm simultaneously the best I've felt in years and the worst I've felt in years, which is a very weird space to be in.

So maybe I'll go on meds again soon and stop caring about anything, but for now... I want to hang out here. Gonna post some good omens content, have a good time. Idk what's gonna happen after that, but FOR NOW...I'm here.

TL;DR: I love good omens so much I had to come back here because I want to be in the fandom and have a fun time.

[littlest-bugz]

Resolution ; A Sigh Of Relief

a [polyfrag] DID system's experience with resolution (functional multiplicity)

please do not bring syscourse to this post. this post is about our own personal healing journey and is not intended as advice or professional info

TWs: Isolation [heavy], abuse [heavy but not in depth], self harm mention [brief], suicidality mention [brief], unsure of other triggers

In Mid June of 2022, I was diagnosed with DID for the first of two times. Flashback to 2021. I had been in and out of therapy, in my teen years, but after researching my symptoms to try and find a proper care plan for my mental health, I ended up self diagnosing myself with BPD. The view I have always had on therapy and self diagnosis is that it doesn't take a real diagnosis to get the help you need, just use the resources that help you regardless, so I wasn't really hesitant to self diagnose myself [after research obvs]. After i self dx, I decided I would find a trauma informed DBT therapist, since I saw DBT mentioned often as treatment for people with BPD. After a while of researching, I found exactly that in my first therapist as a young adult. She was an amazing mental health professional tbh. She taught me skills that still have use today, and helped me grow, so so much. However, a year into therapy, she asked me to consider the possibility of having DID, and she asked me to reach out to my [potential] alters just to see what would happen. Ofc, I did exactly that. I made a dinky little journal for anyone to write in, as long as they used a sign off or different colored pen. That was when the flood gates opened, alters expressing themselves in the journal, and system awareness was achieved for the second time in our system's history.

Yes, you heard me, for the second time.

The first time system discovery starts for us actually starts sometime in October of 2016 [when I was 12-13]. It was the peak of my abuse, and because of that, I attempted to create an imaginary friend to have someone who knew me, just,,, period tbh. I wanted someone to know me down to my own memories because I was afraid of being alone, and I was tired of having my trauma further ignored and disregarded, even encouraged, by the adults in my life.

I was a deeply, deeply isolated kid, and had no one in my life i could trust or depend on until I was into my late teen years. I didn't have any real friends [and was, instead, abused by my peers], didn't have a family that actively cared about me, the church i was going to had and was abusing me profoundly, and the partner I had treated me like less than human. It was abuse coming from all angles, all facets, of my life. I could not escape the abuse no matter where I turned, so I turned inwards. I wanted someone, anyone who could understand me and listen, especially someone who knew what was happening to me for a fact and wouldn't gaslight every experience I had.

That's when I ''created'' 💙, but mind you, I didn't actually create him. He was, actually, his own whole dude before I ''created'' him, and he was NOT someone who would comfort me gently like I had wanted him to be. He was, instead, a sarcastic, blunt guy who only comforted me when things got actively tough. At that time, he had even fronted more than once to prevent stupid decisions I did, and it actually marked the first period of concerning black out amnesia. HOWEVER, through ''creating'' 💙, I got in contact with more of our system members [specifically 🎸,🧣,🌵 and 💤, who all are active members to this day, still fronting from time to time]. Our communication flourished back then, and everything was well documented, down to journal entries I had written about 💙's ''creation''. We had drawings and journals, which were all thrown away or deleted in 2019.

Speaking of, our communication with the system fell apart in 2019, shortly after the body's birthday [which is usually very traumatic for our system]. It was a complete host change brought on by the CEO of our system that ruined communication. It left that new host, 🐛. Confused, and without any memory of our life before then, 🐛 forgot everything about the system. Literally down to the name of 💙. All communication was cut, and all prior knowledge of our system was disposed of because our journals and drawings were thrown out by an alter who was heavily influenced by the CEO. CEO did not want us to know we were a system, and he had been dormant for years at that point. At least until he [somehow] got triggered and saw what was going on. 🐛 was the alter that later got in contact with everyone in 2021 and got us diagnosed the first time. Thankfully, the supposed creation of 💙 was what made communication pick up again smoothly, and we were, once again, a tightknit group of alters sharing a body. We're still like that, for the most part.

Our upbringing heavily impacted how we go about our recovery process, and how we will continue to recover. So when we entered therapy with a DID specialist, we had already radically accepted our systemhood after being diagnosed once. We have a very much 'your opinion of me doesn't matter to me' type of thinking, at least in regards to anyone other than a medical professional. Ofc, DID specialist was like 'yeah, I can tell lol' and diagnosed me shortly thereafter. After being diagnosed with DID a second time by the specialist, we were asked what path in recovery we wanted, and to think and talk about amongst ourselves. The big question every recovering system faces. Did we want to pursue final fusion or not?

Overwhelmingly for our system, we wanted to aim for resolution [aka functional multiplicity]. HOWEVER, there is nothing wrong with final fusion. A lot of people actually fear monger about it amongst the CDD community. So let me say that again: Final Fusion is NOT a bad thing and is a valid way to recover. Just because it is not our path doesn't mean it isn't someone else's. Here are two posts that give some decent info on Final Fusion: [post one] [post two]. I can find more if need be, but that isn't what this post is about. This is simply to reaffirm that final fusion is nothing to be scared of, and a 110% valid path of recovery. Our experience doesn't align with final fusion, but since I mentioned it briefly, I thought I would talk about it for a second.

Fusion moment aside, We have, since mid 2022 for sure, felt like we don't have a solid host, and we have always felt that way because of the cycle of hosts. The body holds a good number of us, that's for sure, and because of how many of us there are, we have no solid one host. There are frequent fronters, sure, but nobody is a host in the traditional, typically talked about sense. For this reason, we feel that we have no core alter [which we don't, unsurprisingly], and we found it unfair to each other that we take away our freedom to express ourselves as alters. Like yeah, we are parts of a whole, but there was never a 'core' individual. There was never an 'original'. We were pretty much destined to form DID. It is what it is, but because of that, we feel we don't have an alter from which all the others split from. I'm just a collective of parts that never even had the chance to connect to each other. Most of us feel so individual from each other because we were a highly partitionary system with no memory sharing or knowledge of each other. I honestly think if what happened in 2016 didn't happen, I would've only known my system through the 2021 diagnosis, and it would not have been as easy to pick communication back up. Things are wildly different now in regards to amnesiac barriers, but when we did find each other, we were our own people expressing ourselves through different [covert] means.

Due to feeling so separated and individualistic, Resolution was, ultimately, the best decision for our system, and since having made this decision and began recovery, our life has actually become something worth living, if that makes sense. I mean Internally and mentally. We function together as a team, and it's a great thing to witness tbh. It's taken a lot of hard work with a lot of disagreements in system, but for a life time ahead of me, it's worth it. I'm finally starting to love all of me, all of us. It's been hard, so incredibly hard, and we still don't always get along. There are still disagreements, votes that spark heated discussions, but that's just what happens when you're sharing a body with so many folks.

Of course, u see me use I/Me pronouns because we all acknowledge the body and the role it has in our collective life. When I say I, when I say me, it is the acknowledgement of the body's role in our life. The Body is the part of us that makes us whole, what we live through, and what makes us a team and family [in-sys family members at least because as a whole we don't see each other as family]. We are so incredibly grateful for the body and the collective Identity we live through. It is a sigh of relief to finally have come this far into our healing where things are finally getting better for us. I'm healing all parts of me, and I am authentically myself by being a system. We love the life we live finally. Even if we're still living with abusers, we know that once we're out of here, it's the final step to our trauma recovery and what will make us free to be ourselves.

Trauma is bound to happen again in my lifetime, re-traumatization will happen too. I'm young [for an adult at least], and, like I mentioned briefly, I'm still in an abusive situation. For this reason, we are learning to cope with day to day stress, as well as preparing our coping tool box for future traumas. At this stage in our healing, we have attained near entire co-consciousness, and have learned to share daily and important memories or notes from alter to alter, subsystem to subsystem. Sometimes its just one fronter and the CEO or the whole Crew and Co., yet CEO makes sure things get to everyone. No longer do we live our day to day confused on what's happened, what our past is and who we are, if we've eaten, taken our meds, showered, if we have an appointment ect. Now when switches happen, things are not confusing, and smooth with no sort of amnesiac barrier. Afterall, a good 97% of us are co-con in some capacity, and even then, we're able to memory share day to day memories. It's like whoever is best equipped to deal with a situation fronts.

Some of us don't want to share our trauma memories with each other entirely due to it's intensity, so we instead talk about it amongst ourselves and make peace with our trauma that way [with the help of our therapist]. It's like group therapy lol. Most of us are just content with the knowledge of not fully knowing everything, and having worked in trauma recovery for years now, our past traumas affects our day to day a lot less [any disruptions now are from the collective disorders we have and our living situation]. The peace that comes from being okay with not knowing is relieving, and the alters who hold the bulk of the trauma have started to work through their traumas.

Sharing trauma memories in our system can cause body and other kinds of flashbacks, panic and extreme distress, and can even trigger self harm and suicidality in some of our alters. Almost always, with trauma memories, its more than one alter getting triggered. I like to think of it like sculk sensors from Minecraft [minecraft moment]. When one is triggered, nearby alters in front and co-con get triggered like a wave effect, but it has a lot to due with similar types of traumas or being fragments of the same trauma. It doesn't stop it from happening. What we've done is worked on helping trauma holders cope and making them 'unstuck' in the trauma. Memory Sharing with trauma was once, and still is to an extent, dangerous for us, but the memory sharing via talking with each other, rather than give up the memories themselves, has caused us to even out and begin to work through the actual trauma, work through everything we have been through. It may sound flawed, but it works for us.

After having achieved a grasp on resolution, we've taken notice to our collective disorders and experiences, like our psychosis symptoms [from an unknown origin] and OCD. A lot of what we thought were persecutors ended up being our OCD, so things got quieter in that way. This helped us to work on those mental health problems and cultivate a further sense of peace. We also were able to start to work on other therapy methods that cater to our flavor of personality disorder. Achieving Resolution to even the degree we have has been phenomenal, and it only gets better from here once we reach full resolution.

None of this is to say resolution will or should be your path in healing, so please take what I say with a grain of salt. This is our experience with our healing journey, and nothing is the same from CDD system to CDD system. I just wanted to post and ramble about my progress because I am proud of myself and our progress!!! Obviously, I am not a representative for anyone other than myself. It's just so nice to be able to actually see my progress, see our progress. I also feel like I don't see many people talk about late stage DID recovery in any way, resolution or final fusion. Honestly, its even nice to just label our progress as being in late stage recovery. I'm glad to be me, as a system, while also dancing my way down the path of healing [lol].

Not sure if anyone is curious, but I'm always open to answering questions about my experiences with resolution as a polyfrag DID system. nothing intrusive about trauma, but I'm down to talk about the aspects of resolution and stuff. Just know I'm not a psychiatrist or other professional, and I don't speak for any other system but my own.

[marrfixated]

Pinned post/My info:

Last updated April 26, 2024

TL;DR: Marr, he/she/they/any, neurodivergent, Total Drama (Alenoah, Priyemma, etc), fanfiction, sideblog @priyemma

Yup!

My name is Marr! I use He/She/They and any pronouns. I’m Omni, Bigender, and Aspec. Or something. I’m cool with any gendered terms, and I pretty much use them interchangeably myself. Gal, guy, neither, whatever!

I have ADHD and anxiety (both diagnosed) along with other things, but those are the ones I’ll probably talk about on here the most. I’m mixed White and Latina (plus Native) but fairly white passing. I speak English and want to learn Spanish, but I’m definitely not fluent. American and more “country” than I realize lol

Right now im really into Total Drama. It’s one of my longest lasting hyperfixations so far! I also post about a few other things, like House M.D and Dungeon Meshi. (More likely reblogging those things though.)

Specifically in Total Drama I mostly post about Alenoah and Priyemma. Recently been talking about the newest Reboot season (and my complaints with it). I talk the most about World Tour and TDI 2023 because it’s been a while since I’ve watched all the seasons and those are the ones I remember the best. I plan to rewatch them all… someday. I haven’t even finished watching reboot s2 because it’s painful!

I love shipping! I can’t even list them all because there’s so many tbh. I am very much a multi shipper and I constantly am finding new things to ship! I try to not engage in ship hate ever, but sometimes I slip up lol. I post some less-than-positive content about Nemma on occasion or Juliayne… everything that could be considered ship hate is tagged as such and never tagged with the ship that is being slandered.

I can’t really draw, so if I ever post my beginner drawings please be nice lol 😭 I’m still developing a style and learning. I have many, many WIPs that I might share here and there. I do really want to be able to draw confidently and make art for the things I love!

I’ve started writing fanfiction again lately! It’s a struggle for a lot of reasons. Props to everyone who writes fics because it’s hard. It takes me hella long too! I usually get out at least one a month. My user is Marrfixated on AO3, feel free to leave comments or kudos!

I’ve written four Alenoah oneshots so far. Most recently posted Contra Entendre, so go read that! I have 3 other oneshots that are somewhat written and I’ll post someday, but I’ve shifted my focus to planning some longer fics. I currently have an Alenoah AU and a Priyemma post-canon fic in the works! The latter is my main focus as I plan out the entire thing.

I also have tiktok @Marrfixated. I post on tumblr more than TikTok because it’s easier, but I started off there. I don’t really use anything else yet (except ao3). I also have a Priyemma centric sideblog on here (@priyemma), where I’ll sometimes reblog content from and vice versa.

You’re on thin ice if you engage in ship discourse, constantly hate on ship I like (it makes me sad 💔), or are a dsmp fan/an enjoyer of any of Vivziepop’s works (I don’t like you).

Proshippers DNI. Zionists DNI. Vivziepop defenders DNI. Dream supporters DNI. Dsmp supporters also DNI. Do some damn research.

I might post suggestive things here sometimes, but I don’t think I ever have or will post any extremely nsfw content. I don’t plan to EVER post nsfw or suggestive related content related to td, it makes me uncomfortable as most of the characters are minors. I do curse a lot, and reclaim the f slur on occasion. Please don’t engage in ship discourse on my account for no reason! That’s no fun.

I usually take like 3 years to answer asks or dms or whatnot for various reasons… but I swear I don’t mean any offense! I just um forget sometimes 😇 Or I post it to drafts instead… or I get nervous 😶 and sometimes idk if you just sent it or want me to actually respond so I just guess? Ummm yeah. Also they go missing a lot. Probably have to figure that out. Oops!

I reblog a lot so right now I’m trying to tag all my original posts as #original post. Lazy posts are usually tagged with #shitpost. Random posts are usually tagged as #nonfandom post. My td fics are tagged as #my fanfiction.

That’s it!

[angelosearch]

Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈🌈

First off, thanks for this! ❤️ yaaaay an ask game!!!

Second... OH MY GOD five things Iike about myself?! This is going to be hard. But my therapist would be so happy to know I've been given this challenge, haha.

And of course, I have to provide details and addendums to these because I have to treat everything like a personal essay. Ugh.

I am a loud cringe nerd

I have fun facts for days, if not weeks

Music is my religion

I bet I can make you laugh

I understand my narrative

Longer answers under the cut.

I am not afraid to show enthusiasm/honesty and be loud. You know the part of your brain that tells you to not do embarrassing/cringe/over-the-top-thing before you do it? I am not going to try and diagnose it but that literally does not exist for me. I will sing along loudly to songs in public; I am the person at a wedding who never leaves the dancefloor; I dress in bright colors and wear the weirdest prints; I will laugh or cry uncontrollably if the moment calls for it. I am incapable of holding back positivity and excitement. I will gush about how great something or someone is. If I like your shoes, I am 100% going to tell you, no fear. All of this can make life really fun. It attracts people with good energy into my orbit. It makes me feel like the last thing I am is boring - but I also go home and regret every minute of it because of the second-hand embarrassment later. Somehow all these things are wrong to do in my head (even though I am never moved like this by negativity, fear, or hate), yet I cannot stop myself from doing them. I loathe that I am a book with a broken spine that cannot stay closed. I hate every inch of space I take up. I cannot stop being vulnerable which is great for therapy but not so great for being a normal, functioning adult. I fear sometimes that people think that I believe my thoughts are all-important because I share them all. Nope. I just literally have no choice in the matter. The thoughts and actions pop into my head and they must be heard/done.

I am an endless fountain of "fun" facts because I am interested in a lot of stuff and love to learn. I think "did you know that..." is my most used phase. If I have a fun fact on a subject, you will know (it's something else I feel I have no control over). My hand will be up if I don't just blurt it out. And I am always rolling them up in my Katamari-Ball brain, listening to podcasts, reading articles, watching documentaries, and other videos. I remember these weird fringe things but then I will forget your name and your job. Don't tell me what you're into because I AM going to do a deep dive and suddenly be an expert in it. Tbh it's a great skill for a writer, but I am pretty sure it annoys people around me. Especially when all the fun facts are related to whatever I am obsessed with at the moment. You'll never guess what I have way too many fun facts about right now.

I connect with music, so strongly it's almost spiritual. Singing and listening to music have always been my go-to coping skills. I learned to drive very late in life (at 30 - but that is a story for another day) and at first I was a horribly anxious driver. But once I realized my car could become my little mobile box of music where I could just belt it out 24/7, I learned to love driving. Lyrics help me understand the prism of my experience and others. I love when songs make me dance, or cry, or give me goosebumps. My shower is my favorite place in my new house because of the great acoustics; plus, there is enough space to pull off an entire shower concert, complete with choreography. Concerts and karaoke make me feel like I am connected to the universe and everyone in the venue. I love my taste in music, which sounds weird, but I am just so proud of my eclectic taste. Also! I am mad skilled at identifying songs and artists and samples, probably because I have listened to so. Much. Music. The downside to this one is that I emotionally connect so thoroughly with every song that I enjoy that a bad association will make the song/artist or even the genre unbearable to listen to (see: country music). Also, some people in my life don't understand why I prioritize concerts so highly and are very critical of me for it. I can't help that a concert is the closest thing I have to a church!

I have a great sense of humor (or at least I think so). If you have followed me for more than two seconds, you have probably figured out that I am constantly attempting (and hopefully succeeding?) to be funny. I try VERY HARD to make people laugh. If you were to talk to me in real life, you'd quickly discover that I would come up with puns in our conversation like we're having a funny rap battle. My favorite tools are wordplay and re-contextualization but I also have quote upon quote and will use physical humor, too. The good thing is that I can make myself laugh, for sure. Like I said yesterday, I embody Chrysippus. A lot of comedians claim their jokes are hiding pain. I've recently realized that I use my humor a little differently--since my social anxiety has convinced me that no one in the world wants anything to do with me at any given moment, I use my jokes as sort of a litmus test. If you're laughing, there is a very strong chance that you don't actively hate me at that very moment. I think this strategy probably annoys people and probably comes off at inappropriate. Don't bring me to a funeral.

I can contextualize my personal story. Somewhere between taking autobiography/memoir and essay classes in college and over a decade of therapy, I've become exquisitely good at taking an event in my life or facet of my personality and placing it in the context of my life. Does that make sense? Like in high school English class I took so much joy out of reading a novel and analyzing character motivations and author intent and "why is the wallpaper yellow." I am still very good at reading something and identifying symbolism, but now I mostly use this same skill to look back at the story of my life and find patterns and connections. I think this will help me as an Art Therapist, and, if my personal essays and posts are actually any good, then it is helping me as a writer as well. But this is a double-edged sword in therapy. It means I can sit in the chair and practically therapize myself. But lives are not novels. We are not characters. Sometimes the wallpaper is just yellow. My over-cerebral approach to my understanding of self makes me come off as "not sick enough" in some settings--I've been told by peers and staff many times while in treatment, "Why are you here? You seem fine!" Well, the truth is, just because you understand why the monster is in the book, you can't always outrun it. Sure, it can help to know where the monster came from and why he's chasing you, but if you get too caught up in that it may slow you down. Or you will run the wrong way because you are so sure you understand him. Or you will run so well that no one will notice you are running at all.

[the-realest-spot-conlon]

The Best Brothers Are Not Blood Related ll

Hey so for those who haven't read part one please go do that cuz that is like the kick off to the series, nothing will make much sense without it, love you guys!

TW: tbh idk I write these before the actual fic so to be safe ima say language and violence (it's Spot as a Jock what more do you expect) (I always blame it on Spot but in reality I just can't watch my own language) The unraveling of Spot and Jack as brothers and as Gen-Z's in high school. The last fic was kinda uneventful except for Race being a simp for Spot but in this one some shit unravels so enjoy

Spot has had ADHD for a few years now. Well, at least diagnosed ADHD. His mom first caught on when she noticed him getting more and more restless. Medda was always accepting of her sons, and picked up on the little hints. She noticed when they had crushes, problems, or even mental disorders. She payed for Spot's therapy, once a week on Wednesdays. Wednesdays soon became Spot's least favorite day. "I'm telling you, Cheryl, I'm fine. Really." "Sean, you're not fine, your ADHD is getting worse. Don't think I haven't noticed," The woman said as she gave him a stern look through her glasses. "So what are you gonna do about it?" Spot asked sarcastically. "Give this to you mom," Cheryl said as she tore off a piece of paper and handed it to Spot. "Medication? Really Cheryl?" "Yes, really, Sean. If you want to be able to perform well in school and football, you need to be able to focus, and stop fidgeting so much," Spot noticed his leg bouncing, and stopped. "I don't fidget," He crossed his arms stubbornly, tapping his finger on his arm subconsciously. "Whatever you say Sean," Spot looked at the bottle of pills on his bedside table. "What a lovely way to wake up," Spot mumbled sarcastically. "What was that?" Medda said from the other room. "Nothing Mama!" Spot yelled back, and ignored the bottle of pills on his nightstand. Medda walked in, halfway through her makeup. "Boy, did you take your medicine?" She asked sternly. "Uh, yea," Spot said, putting on a black T-shirt and his Letterman Jacket over it. "You're lying," Medda said, leaning on the door. "Is everything alright?" She asked her son in a more maternal voice this time. "Everything's fine," Spot said, before begrudgingly walking over to the pill bottle on his dresser. "Spot hurry your ass up you're gonna make me late!" Jack yelled from downstairs. Spot swung his bag over one shoulder before hugging his mom, and walking downstairs. "Wouldn't want to make the famous Jack Kelly late," Spot said sarcastically before walking out the door. Medda walked downstairs, looking at her other son. "Will you talk to him for me?" Medda asked, placing a kiss on Jack's forehead. "What do I say?" Jack asked, unaware of the situation. "It's his ADHD again," Medda said, obviously worried for her son. "What happened?" Jack asked, unaware of why Spot's ADHD would make him act so... distant. "He got medicated, and one of the side effects is mood swings," She said, before sending Jack off to the car. Jack got in the driver's seat of the red jeep, tossing his bag in the back seat hastily. "Alright, what's wrong," Jack said, acting as though he was relieving some pent up tension in the air. "What do you mean 'what's wrong?'" Spot said, like it was a stupid question. "Your attitude?" Jack replied as though it was obvious. "So I'm just supposed to have a perfect attitude 24/7? When have you known me to have a good attitude?" Spot asked as they pulled up to the school. "You know? That's fair," Jack said as they got out of the car.

Spot waited for the bell to ring in his last class, watching the little hand on the clock tick at every second. 5,4,3,2,1, Ring Ring Spot practically jumped out of his seat as he swiftly moved to his locker and grabbing his stuff before walking to the locker room. He was so lost in thought that he barely noticed he was surrounded by people walking as fast as him. Crash Spot hit something. Someone. He looked up, and met those same gorgeous blue eyes that he has had a crush on for as long as he has remembered. "You good?" The upperclassman said as they both regained their balance. "I'm fine," Spot said, with a more chipper sounding voice than he would have liked, although it was only noticeable to him. Spot walked away, a light pink blush spreading across his face. Race walked off to his car, a similar blush across his cheeks as well.

Ok, Spot with ADHD? Should I make this a bigger thing in the series or do yall want to see less of it? lmk in the comments! As usual I'll tag the next part down below when it's posted!

@eponine-thenadier I said I'd tag you so here you go!

[mental-illness-bingo]

Content Warning: Venting about ableism against ADHD and Autism in a book; mentions of emotional abuse, repeated mentions of elitism within the autism community, "corrective" surgery for mental health disorders, demonizing of medication, encouraging young adults to refuse their medication etc. Note that I haven't finished the book yet, but I intend to, so I suppose it could get better, but what it's done already is abhorrent, and I'm grossed out.

Book in question: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

This. Book. Is. Killing. Me.

I saw this recommended as a "really good book about autism and ADHD" from someone but I *really* hate it so far (I'm on Chapter 27, about 2/3 way through the book) and it's honestly just blatantly ableist in so many ways. I do not know if Laura Creedle is autistic or has ADHD, but if so? Internalized ableism everywhere. If not then yet another neurotypical asshat who wrote an ableist ass book.

Context: Lily is diagnosed with ADHD and Abelard is diagnosed with "Asperger's".

And let's start there. This book was written in 2017, years after the switch from that N*zi doctor's name to Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is problem #1, and the reason is not that they use that word for it. I can and have enjoyed books while suspending my disbelief around the fact that they maybe didn't know because a significant number of people still don't in 2023.

However, Abelard is the poster child for elitism. He is this super smart kid who just so happens to have trouble with verbal conversation, being late, and sometimes being touched. He is worse than the savant trope because he is literally talked about like a genius. He is inhumanly good at chess, robotics, old literature, video games, just everything he touches, really. In fact, despite him supposedly having serious communication difficulties, when he is texting, he is suddenly able to communicate just like anyone else, with occasional long pauses between texts being the only issue he shows.

And his sole meltdown that has been shown is honestly so toxic and borders abusive to Lily. She is late to their date due to her ADHD, something any of us with it can relate to, and Abelard knows about her ADHD in advance as well as having had seen her symptoms multiple times in person. There is 0 way he didn't know about her having ADHD. Anyway, she's a little late (I think 20 minutes or something but I can't remember tbh with you) and he is visibly angry with her, and she immediately apologizes, explaining that her ADHD causes her issues being on time. Rather than be understanding of his girlfriend's disorder the way she has tried to be with his, he pretty much ignores her. His mother babies him about it, working on setting up everything for him and getting them into the movie wherein he seems to relax (but only after forcing his mother to go get popcorn right this instant because they're watching a movie and he needs popcorn). Then, after a bit, his father is trying to explain the movie to Lily and its history and Abe does NOT like people talking during movies. He yells at his dad, who continues to try and talk, and then has the meltdown in question. Lily tries to touch him to help comfort him and realizes immediately she shouldn't have when he makes a noise as though he is in pain. He begins slamming his head off the table, which is reasonably off putting to Lily, and she asks his father for help. His father mentions his mom would usually be here and that Lily "shouldn't have been late", basically accusing her of causing the meltdown even though he kept pushing when his son told him they were watching a movie. Lily panics and exits to the kitchen because she feels helpless and upset that she can't do anything for him.

All of this is relatively understandable behavior, I guess. I don't really love that he yelled at his father and mother both in this scene for normal things because it paints autistic people as unreasonable and irrational, but it is true that sometimes meltdowns are caused by people continually doing normal things that happen to really get under our skin. His parents should know his triggers and avoid pushing them because they are his parents. Lily, on the other hand, is a child and one with her own neurodivergent struggle, and should never in any way have been strapped with the blame both because it is not her job to tiptoe around a boy she has been dating for a few days with triggers no one warned her about, and because the issue at hand is a symptom of her own disorder and is equally as in her control as Abelard's reaction to her being late is in his.

BUT THEN while panicking in the kitchen, Lily breaks something on accident as she often does and tries to leave and Abe's mom makes a whole thing out of it. She becomes physically intimidating to Lily, smashing a glass on purpose to "help" the situation, which obviously makes Lily uncomfortable, and half-threatens her to go back into her son's room even though she wants to go. Throughout the entire next scene Lily mentions in her narration wanting to go home and while I think it's important that Lily learns coping skills outside of running away, it is equally within her right to be too stressed by Abe's reaction to her being late and choose to break up with him. Lily is not required to stay with Abe just because she's the only girl he has brought home, and intimidating her into staying is disgusting.

To Abe's credit, he mentions that his mother used his sob story to make Lily stay. Then he loses 100% of that credit in the most entitled scene I've read in a long time where Lily is pressured to not only stay in that house and in that relationship, but also promise to NEVER be late again even though it is a symptom of her own disorder. She mentions that this seems to be the only way to make him happy and that "promising to try harder is not enough". So, more or less, she is in a relationship where she cannot ever show symptoms of her disorder without him giving her the silent treatment, yelling at everyone around him, and smashing his head into a table.

No one ever mentions at any time during this or after that Abelard also should be learning positive coping skills or teaching her how to help with his meltdowns or anything like that. She should just be expected to never show a symptom of her own disorder so that he doesn't react in a very toxic/honestly kind of abusive way. Cannot stress enough that he does not treat her kindly again until she promises she will literally never be late ever again. Not try - NEVER late again.

Abe strongarms multiple people like this throughout the book. His mother with the popcorn, his father with talking during a movie, his robotics teacher where he literally stands there and repeats "I invited my girlfriend to robotics" over and over again until, despite safety concerns, the teacher gives up and allows Lily to stay if she signs a waiver (which she doesn't read and is not the legal age to sign anyway), and Lily when he wants to tell her something but tells her she is not allowed to speak until he has finished then gets visibly angry (as noted by Lily) when she answers a question he asked her out loud. His meltdowns are used as a threat of sorts to the people around him and a manner of controlling them. It is worth noting I have only in my entire life met one autistic person who did this and surprise surprise, they were abusive and had a history of using meltdown threats to R word multiple people. That is not autistic behavior. It is abuse being hidden behind the excuse of autism, and it's gross in every context, including this book.

So, onto Lily's ADHD. Lily is constantly breaking things, constantly late, runs out of any even slightly uncomfortable situation, does not care about the emotions of her mother or her sister, and is overall a really gross ADHD stereotype. But that's okay! Why? Because she will be fixed via corrective surgery. Yes, you read that right. But let's go into why medication didn't work for her first.

Lily lists throughout the book her hatred of her current and all past medications, of which there is a number she lost count of. Because the author treats this ADHD character like a goldfish who was just given access to a human body for the first time and therefore cannot remember anything (or walk two steps without smashing something valuable), that number could still be relatively small. The book doesn't treat it as a small number though, so we're going to assume she's tried most ADHD medications, and is currently taking an antidepressant as a manner of treating ADHD which is so far in the past as far as treatment goes that I don't even know which medication they're talking about.

The typical antidepressants (SSRI's) are not used to treat ADHD at all to my knowledge, and SSNRI's are only really used if every other form of ADHD medication has failed you and even then are rarely used as far as anyone I know with ADHD. Why? Because there are actual medications that help ADHD, and a good amount of them. Realistically, the concept that 0 of them worked for Lily is statistically improbable. The only antidepressant really used to treat ADHD actively is Bupropion, but the emotional blunting the surgeon Lily sees says is a side effect of her medication is not a side effect associated with Bupropion. In fact, Wellbutrin/Bupropion is often used for people either in combination with or as a replacement for other antidepressants to counteract the emotional blunting they cause.

The demonizing of medication in this book is dangerous. Lily hates every medication because all of them have stripped her of her ability to feel anything positive. The book does not mention any other ADHD character that tolerates medication well, or even speak about it as though it is just not working for her. It does not explain that if Lily went to the doctor and told them her side effects, that they would *immediately* taper and remove a medication that is causing emotional blunting and sui thoughts. The book doesn't mention that this is an abnormal side effect - in fact it's says it's a common side effect of antidepressants. It also treats medication as some sort of weird muzzle that is put on people with ADHD so their loved ones (in this case Lily's mom, sister, and teachers) can tolerate them. The book does not mention any positive effects of any medication for ADHD at all. I hate to think how many kids were made afraid of or resentful of their meds by this book.

The book details specific ways to avoid taking your medication, and even how to hide it so you can (tw sui mention) take them all with vodka to hurt yourself. This is not something Lily attempts in the book, but was just thinking about, and therefore did NOT need to be described in detail. The book even acts like sui watch is stupid and unnecessary, and does not detail the dangers if Lily were to take all of these medications at once with alcohol. So basically they wrote in a non-precautionary sui method for kids with ADHD that also involves months or years of medication non-compliance. Great. /sarcasm

But like I said, that's not the worst of it. What upset me enough to write this whole rant is the next part. Lily's mother finally giving up on the neurologists (which... weird because everyone I know with ADHD was treated by a psychiatrist not ever a neurologist), and going to a literal brain surgeon for some sort of electrodes to be placed in her brain that is supposed to permanently change how her synapses fire.

This is the ableist buffet, and for a while Lily feels the same and by a while I mean 2-4 pages. Then she decides that she will see the doctor if her Mom does something for her, and forgets all about the upset of having her mother feel the need to cure her.

In fact, when Lily meets the doctor, it takes him almost no time to convince her that she not only needs but also wants the corrective surgery, spouting about how she could go to college right now if she does it, when college would not have even been an option before.

It is gross on every single level and I looked up this surgery and ITS FAKE ITS NOT EVEN REAL. This author literally made up a fake corrective surgery for ADHD, I wanna puke.

I literally do not even want to read this for the story anymore I just have to know how much worse it can possibly get. If it's bad maybe I'll reblog and add on to this.

Edit: HOW could I possibly forget Lily's Dad? A total deadbeat who cheated on her mother and ran off to Portland, who was only able to interact with his daughter while actively drinking when he still lived with them, who is constantly switching what he wants to do in his life to the point that he can't hold a job, and who refuses to talk to let alone see either of his daughters in the years since he's been gone because he "can't keep a phone". And why is he like this? As the books tells you very explicitly about 2/3 of the way in, he is like this because he also has ADHD. Lovely. He had this apparently entirely inspired, amazing, never-been-done idea for his dissertation in college. But then he more or less got bored and overwhelmed with the idea so he just dropped it, left college and his family, and ran away to Portland. All because he has ADHD, because the author thinks that's what this disorder is - an inability to have any responsibility or finish anything ever no matter what it is or how important. The author treats ADHD like it's a lobotomy and I hate it here.

Maybe don't read The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily.

Edit: see reblog. It got so much worse, not better.

[yellow-lemon-lime]

Hi I hope this isn't rude to ask, but I saw on a post that you deal with self blame delusions? And well I wanted advice on how to help someone cope with that. Because my sister has this idea (tbh I'm hesitant to call it a delusion since she has her own logic for believing it which I can understand even tho it's great logic) that she is the sole cause of everything wrong in my life, including that I'm chronically ill*. Which is just not the case at all?

*I have me/cfs, one of the theories is that it's essentially long mono, since my sister had mono once she thinks she gave it to me which caused me to get cfs and cause my chronic illness. But since I was asymptomatic and only know I had mono at all is because of biomarkers we don't even know when I had it so she might not even given it to me in the first place.

(sorry if this is over stepping a boundary or something, but she doesn't want to do therapy and I don't know what else to do...)

Hi @skydemonizark Sorry for the late reply, I was out with my husband, and we just recently got home. Don't worry, your question is neither rude, nor stupid to ask. I am more than happy to answer any question, one might have about a lived experience with delusions, psychosis or schizophrenia in general.

I will preface this by saying, that this is only my experience with delusions and schizophrenia. Others may have totally different experiences, and that's okay, because even though, delusions (and schizophrenia) follow general rules. How we experience the symptoms are different for each person.

I will also say, that I am not a licensed therapist, psychologist or psyciatrist. Again this is solely based on my lived experience. I strongly advice anyone who is dealing with a medical problem - whether it is somatic or psychological, that they contact a professional or in emergency cases dial 911/112.

Now in order to answer your question. It's important to know what a delusion is and isn't. A delusion is a belief in the patient, that is neither naturally and/or culturally possible. F.x. Believing that Jesus is the son of God, is not a delusion, because many people believe that, so that is culturally acceptable. Believing that your neighbor is Jesus himself, would be a delusion, because only you believe that, nobody else does, and especially not your neighbor.

I cannot say whether your sister's belief IS a delusion, but I know from my own experience that logic is a huge part of delusions, but it's a twisted kind of logic.

Let me give you an example with one of my own delusions: I got a job at the hearing aid center, at my local hospital. When I started working there. The waiting time for new users was approximately 6 months to 1 year. When I had been there for a while, the waiting time had skyrocketed to over 2 years. Now my delusional logic, told me, it must be because of me, right? It happens just as I start working there. How could it not be my fault? So I felt constant guilt about making things hard for deaf/hoh people in my town. And please be noted, that I had no idea that it was a delusion. I wasn't diagnosed at the time, I wasn't even being evaluated. So I had to rely on my own twisted logic, with this delusion as well as the other delusions I had. Sometimes I doubted my logic, but for me it was like having two logics. One wasn't more right than the other.

When I did get the diagnosis, and started on medication and therapy, I noticed a change in my way of thinking about my blame about the waiting time. I am fully aware that medication and/or therapy isn't for everyone. We are all different. But for me, both things were essential to getting better. Antipsychotics, didn't remove my delusions, but they sort of prevented the anxiety I got from those delusions. But I still needed to fix my twisted logic. At the time I got my diagnosis, I hadn't been working at the hearing aid center for a good month (I was literally forced to quit just before I got my diagnosis) Time went by and I didn't have the delusion-induced anxiety anymore, but I still had the belief that the increased waiting time was my fault. One day I was sitting with my therapist, and we were talking about big and small, and I mentioned the delusion, like I had done a few times before. For some reason, I also mentioned, that, oh there was this one audiologist who had mentioned, that the hearing aid center had let off a huge portion of the workers there, and my therapist asked me: "Don't you think, that could be why the waiting times increased?" And I gave it a thought, and thought, maybe my therapist is right.

You're telling me, that your sister doesn't want to do therapy, and I 100 % respect that. Therapy should be done willingly, and only in the event that a person is in danger to themselves or others, should forced therapy be even considered.

I would try mainly 2 things. One thing would be what my therapist did to me, and try to find counter-logic to the delusional logic. Do be adviced that it may not necessary work, if the person is so in deep with their delusion, that no amount of outside counter-logic can get through. The one thing I strongly advice against with any delusions, is either agreeing with the person, or saying to the person that they must be crazy or something. Both things can be very detrimental to the persons mental wellbeing.

The second thing I would try to do, is to switch the whole agenda. Yeah it sucks that you both got ME/CFS, even if you personally are asymptomatic. Instead of focusing on the "why?" or "who?" try focusing on the "how?" Don't ask yourselves, why did you both get this? Who is to blame? Instead ask yourselves, "How can we manage the symptoms we may have, and how can we support each other in living with this illness?" and I believe that could go for anything, that she, you, or a third person may struggle with. Someone may have asked. "Why did this happen to me?" They may never get an answer. So they should instead ask "How do I get going from here?"

I also advice you to take care of yourself, eat a varied diet, get plenty of hydration, exercise to the point that you are able to. Get plenty of sleep. If you take medication for anything, keep taking that. Also be a little selfish, and buy yourself chocolate or something once in a while. And in any case you start feeling, that something is wrong, mentally or somatic. Don't hesitate to contact a medical professional.

I hope my answer gave some insight, although it's just one experience. I invite any person with schizo-spec illness/psychosis or delusion, or possible mental health professional (if there are any on tumblr) who might be reading this to give their insight and opinion. I wish you and your sister and the rest of everyone around you, a pleasant and carefree day

[reynanghugot]

.....

life has been tough lately....

typing and deleting the same line for hrs now while crying because i really dont know where to start. tbh, all i can say is there are times that im ok and there are times that i am not. i may have a strong support system but ofc not all the time i can bother them for petty things. they hace their own lives too. tho, i am grateful to have them specially those who have been with me during my lowest last month. i feel like everything fall into pieces when i stop working, when i have been diagnosed with ptc but i am trying, like literally everyday. doing the same thing like before but im still having a hard time. met new set of friends because of my internship, enjoying the stay in the company but when i got home feel tired and not happy. dated some friends last month, went to dinner with fam early last month, got recognize for doing great at school, but still i don't feel happy. i feel like there's something wrong or something i need to do that i can't think of. grateful for my friends who never failed to check me during their spare time. grateful for nikko and fam who always there whenever i need them but why i still feel empty? im afraid i need help again. im afraid i need to take lots of meds again aside to my maintenance for my ptc. im afraid i can't pick myself up again to go out in that dark room. im rlly afraid not to be myself again. i wish it's easy like one two three. still, i know despite of all the help that has been and will be extended to me will only be a support bcos i know that i, myself is the only person who will help to get me back on track again. maybe now, but soon. good night!

[not-poignant]

would you be comfortable keeping us updated about your health results in the following months ?

Hi anon,

I don't generally update re: my health stuff in any consistent way here. I often have between 80-100+ medical appointments of some kind or other per year and I have too many actively treated/supported health conditions (over 15 -> I have more than this, these are just the ones being actively treated), that like... I'm not making this a health blog. It's a writing blog! Most of the health updates I make are over at the Fae Tales / writing Discord. But even there, I don't update about everything. (Some health stuff is just boring too, like, I'm anemic again? Must be a day ending in Y. Iron infusions are very repetitive, lol).

That being said, I do tend to update with health stuff when it impacts my writing, which is why I've been talking about it more lately, because my writing has absolutely been impacted from some new diagnoses from last November to now, which is really frustrating on a writing level, and also because it can impact my mood and output and readers can notice something's off. December was my lowest wordcount in over two years. And I've only written one chapter this month.

Right now I'm kind of having to force myself to work, because I need the money, so I can't afford to shut down the Patreon for a month or two (which is what I'd normally do in order to give myself a lengthy break), so I'm in the catch 22 of 'too sick to work to my normal levels, too poor to take a break from work to see if that helps because I need a lot of specialist medical stuff and some of it's expensive.' I do still like writing, but given more choice/freedom, I'd be taking time off to process some difficult diagnoses and some abrupt medication changes (I had to stop taking two meds that helped my quality of life and mental health immensely, and immediately onboard to two others that have notorious side effects, and that alone has been a struggle).

Though as a small update - I have 8 medical appointments in the next 10 days (one of those will result in 3 more referrals), and I'm 29 minutes away from leaving to go get my 45 minute head/neck MRI (complete with face cage and gadolinium) to see if my tumours have grown and to see if I've grown any more or if they've since metastasized. I have another MRI next week. The MRIs are thankfully due to Australia's healthcare free at least. But almost none of my other appointments are. I will probably end up having around 15+ medical appointments this month, so we're definitely starting the 80-100+ medical appointments per year off strong this year. x.x

For folks reading this, broadly, this is why there's been delays in responding overall to comments on AO3, why I'm not always getting to asks as soon as I normally do, and why I haven't been as 'chatty' as usual. I still love receiving asks/comments etc. please just be patient with me while I deal with everything. <3333

Er but yeah, tbh a lot of it is quite overwhelming for others. Like, if I actually kept people properly updated, I think some would feel not very happy, especially if they're just here for writing updates! So I try not to make too many 'health posts' unless I'm asked specifically? Anon, you are always welcome to ask for a health update <3 People can always scroll past it.