#lets just saying might not be related to half the people I'm told I am

[ibetittering]

The washing machine one has more than one meaning if yk what I mean, anyways just learned my great grandma had ties to the mafia

(Part 13)

[thehighladywrites]

— “ me? jealous? of course I am…”

☀︎- pairing: Professor Eris x reader, part 2

☀︎- summary: Your secret relationship with Eris is going excellent, until Professor Jensen steps in and tries to flirt with him. Of course, you go ahead and flirt with your classmate as revenge. What do you do when you’re then caught by the same professor as youre bent over Eris’s desk, getting railed?

☀︎- warnings: smut, jealousy on both sides, getting caught, reader being called whore, public sex, PROTECTIVE READER, professor Rhysand is mentioned👀, Feyre being an amazing friend that helps reader scheme, blackmail, Eris realizing he is in love with reader, fluff, taboo relationships, both are obviously old enough.

☀︎- amara’s note: I loved writing this, reader is literally so hot in this omg, also this isn’t my best work but i really liked it anyways!! if u see any typos, your eyes are deceiving you🤷🏽‍♀️

Part 1

Hmm…

Black miniskirt with a white top or the beige pants with a knit sweater?

Surrounded by clothes, scattered across your dorm, you found yourself stuck between two outfit choices. Both looked good, but as you considered where you'd be wearing them, a mischievous smile crossed your face. Opting for an even shorter skirt, you couldn't help but anticipate the classes ahead.

After the confrontation with Professor Eris, you began meeting in secret, kissing between classes, fucking in locked closets, having lowkey meetings at his house. You exchanged numbers and found yourselves frequently texting too.

Well, sext is more like it.

The exchange of messages, if discovered, held the potential to lead to catastrophic consequences. The risk heightened the thrill and danger of the secret relationship, creating a clandestine affair between you.

There had been nudes and videos, audios and links. There had been some blush inducing texting, his words always sparking something in you. Eris was a true charmer, skillfully making you feel exactly what he wrote with a magnetic touch in his messages.

Dressing swiftly and slipping on your shoes, you and Feyre head to class. The only class you shared alone with him was Advanced Literature, but you also had Philosophy together, with Feyre joining in as well.

“You're glowing, Y/N. Any particular reason?” you heard the playful tone in her voice, suspecting that she must have some inkling about someone special in your life.

Shit, you had to be more careful. Feyre was vicious when it came to solving things, and she was one of the most intelligent people you knew. If you told her about Eris, you knew she'd keep it a secret, especially since she always raved about Professor Rhysand in International Relations. She might be a little weirded out, but she wouldn't judge.

“Okay, fine, I'm seeing someone, but you can't tell anyone, promise me. He's very, um, shy and he doesn't like to be around people. Maybe I'll introduce you guys to him sometime in the future, but it's still so new,” you confessed with a half truth, hoping Feyre didn’t see through your bullshit.

Feyre looked at you curiously from the side of her eye and nodded, promising that she'd never tell anyone.

“Is he at least good to you? I mean, he must be. I've never seen you like this before. You're happier than ever. Just please tell me it's not Ilias. He doesn't deserve you, and he never will,” she expressed, concern and sincerity in her voice as she grabbed your hand.

Squeezing her hand back, you assured her that it was over between you and your ex for good this time.

“I promise, Fey. It's over with him. I actually can't believe I went back to him so many times. I literally saw him yesterday in the cafeteria, and I nearly threw up; he was icking me out. Let’s just say that the guy I'm seeing is a bit older, he's really hot, and he makes me feel super good, if you know what I mean.”

You wiggled your brows, and Feyre threw her head back, laughing at your suggestiveness. You kept holding each other's hands until you got to class, finding comfort in your friend.

——

You insisted on sitting at the front, ensuring a clear view of your little secret. The desks were the perfect height, and when he sat at his own desk, he'd have an unobstructed view of your skirt. Just the thought pulled a sly smile from your lips.

The big doors opened up with a thud, and his steps resonated throughout the entire lecture hall. You looked at him and immediately had to look away before a blush crept up on your face. Eris was wearing black, sleek slacks that hugged his thighs and a crisp white shirt, showing his bulging arms. His shoulders looked so fucking massive,he looked so good it nearly made you drool.

He sneaked a glance in your direction before his eyes dropped to your skirt. He huffed a small, subtle smile and looked away.

———

Every time your eyes met, your stomach turned molten, and your thighs clenched. One look from him, and you'd honestly do anything he wanted. Throughout the entire class, you simply scribbled, pretending to hear a word he said. It felt like your whole body vibrated everytime he asked you a question, finding reasons to keep eye contact without anyone raising any alarms.

However, your little dreamy bubble was burst when another professor came in, her heels clicking against the floor in an uneven manner.

Your stomach sank as she got closer and closer to Eris. Your pen eventually snapped from the force of your grip when she put her grubby little fingers all over his arm, fluttering her eyelashes at him as she smiled and pressed her boobs against him.

But what really pissed you off was that he smiled at her.

It felt like someone was sitting on your chest, making your teeth clench. You were seething inside, angry that someone dared to touch him like this. Even though you had been sneaking around for just over two months, you had grown a bit possessive over him and really didn’t like it when other people got so close.

A pout crept onto your face as you looked around, noticing that no one paid much attention to them. Your fellow classmates took the opportunity to chat, oblivious to the storm brewing within you.

Feyre couldn't help but notice the visible change in your demeanor as your eyes burred into Eris.

The pout on your face, the tension in your shoulders – it all screamed discomfort. With a keen eye, she observed the unwarranted familiarity of the other woman's touch on Eris's arm.

Feyre raised an eyebrow and nudged you gently with an amused smile.

“What's going on, Y/N? You look like you're ready to kill someone.”

Your eyes flickered between Feyre and the scene with Eris, frustration evident in your expression. “That professor is all over him, Fey. It's making my blood boil. I mean, we’re in the middle of class, how unprofessional and disgusting to be flirting with him. And who knows, maybe he has a girl or a wife or something. She shouldn’t just do that.”

Having had enough of the scene in front of you, you stood up abruptly, grabbing your bag with frustration evident in your movements. As you left the classroom, you didn’t spare Eris a single look as you felt his eyes burning into yhe back of your head. Glancing back at Feyre, you cocked your head toward the door, silently asking if she was coming. She swiftly gathered her things, a mischievous glint in her eyes, and skipped over to join you in exiting the classroom.

Feyre smirked knowingly before whispering, “So, you fucking the professor or what?”

Your cheeks heated up, and you stammered, “Well, it's new, and I didn't want to say anything yet, but yeah. And before you ask, no it’s not for the grade. I really like him and he likes me back. We just have to keep it under wraps at school but we’re not using each other. And how the hell did you know, am I really that obvious?”

Feyre chuckled. “Baby, it's written all over your face. Don't worry; your secret is safe with me. Now, how are we going to handle this?”

Together, you and Feyre plotted a subtle yet effective way to make him jealous. Little did you know, your friend was excited to have some drama to navigate, especially involving a professor.

———

Your phone vibrated for the millionth time in the past days. Eris had been persistent, trying to reach out through calls and texts, but you'd been deliberately ignoring him all week. Regret gnawed at you, and anger surged as you recalled how he allowed that girl to touch him so publicly. Hurt and frustration clouded your thoughts, envisioning what could have happened if they were alone.

A sense of unease crept in, wondering if he grew tired of the secrecy and sought someone more mature and available—someone who wouldn't risk landing him in legal trouble. The uncertainty lingered, leaving you with a mixture of emotions.

Maybe you were a bit dramatic for completely ignoring him, but who cares?

You swallowed hard and got dressed, opting for the same skirt you had on the last time. Today, you had a plan—a little revenge against Eris. Your strategy involved flirting with a classmate, and you knew just the person: Ilias's best friend, Alex, who always used to check you out when you were dating Ilias. It seemed like the perfect opportunity.

Entering the hall, you slumped down next to him, subtly rearranging your hair and adjusting your bra, making yourself look absolutely irresistible. The game was on, and you were ready to see how Eris would react to a taste of his own medicine.

He was already there, eyes tracking and narrowing when you slumped down next to Alex.

“Hi Alex, how are you doing?” you asked, tilting your body so that he’d have a nice view of your pushed up tits.

His face turned red and he gave you a shy smile.

“Hey, y/n. I’m good, a bit surprised you’re talking to me.”

Yeah, you were really fucking surprised too.

You sighed dramatically. “ Ugh, I totally understand. I mean, I really wanted to befriend you back then, but you know how Ilias is. Always so possessive. Guess he was really threatened by you. He always thought I'd leave him for you, and if I'm honest, I probably would've. You're really cute.”

Your words hung in the air, leaving a calculated impression as you watched his reaction, wondering how this little act would play into your plan.

His eyes widened in surprise, and a subtle grin formed on his face. “Ilias always had a way of complicating things, huh? Well, I'm flattered, hot stuff. I hope you're doing okay now.”

You leaned in, lowering your voice as you let your breast spill out slightly, knowing that Eris was watching your every move.

“Oh, I'm doing much better now. Free from all that drama. Maybe we should grab a coffee sometime and catch up. You know, properly.”

He chuckled, a hint of mischief in his expression. “Sure, sounds like a plan. I'd love to hear more about your new freedom.”

You blew him a kiss before you left him with a seductive smile, the plan unfolded just as you'd hoped. Now, you anticipated Eris's reaction, eager to see how he'd handle the tables turning.

———

Eris was visibly fuming, shooting Alex murderous glares. Throughout the entire lecture, he directed almost every question to him, knowing damn well that he wouldn't be able to answer them.

“That's the fourth question you've gotten wrong, Mr. Halsted. Are you sure this is the right class for you? Regular Lit with Professor Lunden is on Wednesdays; maybe you've gotten them mixed up,” Eris remarked, his tone laced with thinly veiled hostility. The tension in the room escalated as your revenge plan unfolded.

A small pang of guilt tugged at you as you watched Eris target Alex with relentless questioning. However, any sympathy you might have felt was swiftly replaced by the memory of Alex covering up your ex's cheating. In that moment, you couldn't bring yourself to feel sorry for him, and a sense of satisfaction lingered as the tables turned in your little revenge plot.

As the class finished, Eris dismissed everyone except for you. The lingering tension in the room was palpable as your fellow classmates exited, leaving you alone with Eris. The air crackled with anticipation, and you braced yourself for whatever confrontation was about to unfold.

“I've been trying to reach you for days. Why haven't you been answering me?” Eris questioned, frustration evident in his voice.

You raised an eyebrow, crossing your arms over your chest.

“You did? Must've missed it. And besides, aren't you too busy with that professor? What the hell do you need me for?” Your tone held a mix of nonchalance and defiance, ready to confront whatever explanation he might offer.

“If you're talking about Professor Jensen, then you have it all wrong. I don't have anything going on with her. Unless you’ve forgotten, I'm yours. And you're mine, so just what the hell are you doing asking Alex out for coffee?” Eris's words were a mixture of frustration and confusion as he sought an explanation from you. The tension in the air hung thick, awaiting your response.

Oh. Fuck.

A realization hit you like a ton of bricks. You had let jealousy take over, assuming the worst about Eris without even giving him a chance to explain. Your fear of being played again had clouded your judgment, and now you found yourself in a mess of your own making.

“Really? I thought you were sleeping with her or something. I'm so sorry for not letting you explain. I have some trust issues I need to work on. But why was she so close?” Your admission carried a mixture of relief and remorse as you acknowledged your mistake.

Eris eyes softened as he stepped closer, bringing you into a hug while he stroke your hair lovingly.

“She was close because wants me to go on a date with her. I've let her know I'm unavailable several times, but she doesn't seem to understand. Professor Jensen is married as well, and if I told the dean, he'd tell her husband since they're good friends. The only reason she hasn't tried anything further than to touch me is because I keep threatening her to tell the dean,” Eris explained, his words carrying a mixture of frustration and determination. It was clear he had been dealing with an unwelcome situation, trying to maintain boundaries despite the persistence of Professor Jensen.

Your jaw clenched at the thought of her going after him despite his boundaries. You wrapped your arms around him, silently promising to take care of her.

No one would be making him uncomfortable ever again with you around.

A brilliant idea sparked in your mind. You had overheard that Professor Jensen was coming here between classes, presenting the perfect opportunity to assert your claim on Eris and make it clear who he truly belonged to. Hoping she'd understand and leave your man the fuck alone, you started mentally preparing yourself.

“Let me show you how sorry I am, Er,” you whispered, standing on your tiptoes to kiss him briefly before pulling away. You took charge, grabbing his hand and leading him back to his chair by the desk as you made him sit down in front of you.

Standing between his thighs, you leaned forward, placing kisses on his lips, cheek, jaw, and neck. Your lips traveling over his hot skin. You had noticed how incredibly warm Eris was, it was like his skin was like a furnace.

As you contemplated your next move, the realization of your plan sank in.

You were about to fuck your professor, infront of another professor in an unlocked lecture room.

Anyone could walked in.

Suppose you just had to work quickly then.

Your eyes were on his as you bent forward, hooked your finger around your panties and slid them down your legs. You slowly stripped your shirt off, leaving you naked except for your thigh-high stockings, mini skirt, and bra.

A bit slutty for class, you’ll admit.

But whatever you looked good.

Eris's gaze dropped to your body, his hands forming a circle, signaling for you to spin around and show yourself. Giggling, you spun as you showed him your body, lifting your skirt up a bit before getting closer and plopping down in his lap. Eris’s hands automatically came around your waist, holding you in place as you unbuckled his belt, pulling out his cock.

“You’re so big, Eris. Please can I ride you?”

“What a nasty girl. Sitting in her professors lap, begging for cock. You know what were doing is wrong, yet you’re here, dripping wet, grinding all over me.” His teasing tone made your nipples tighten and stiffen, making you whimper in pleasure.

Before you could respond he lifts you up, flipping you around as he bends you over his desk. You gasp, letting out a noise of surprise at the sudden change. His presence warmed your nude back as he carefully slid into you, making your eyes roll back in pleasure as you let out a moan.

He’s so fucking big and every drag against your sensitive walls made you lose your mind. You’d never been fucked this good, ever.

“ Is this what you wanted? Getting fucked in the middle of class? The doors aren’t even locked, sweetheart, anyone could walk in and see how much of a slut you are,” he gritted out between thrusts.

And as if the universe was working with you, the doors opened and professor Jensen walked in.

She looked horrified and let out a yelp.

“What is going on here?” she yelled at you, stepping closer.

You just smirked around her, fucking yourself back at Eris who had completely stopped.

“What does it look like professor? I’m getting fucked by my man.” you emphasized the last part, staring into her eyes as your hands possessivly grabbed his arms on either side of you as you stood straighter.

She scoffed, looking smug as she approached you. “You disgusting whore, you probably did this for a grade. Poor Eris got played by someone whose only interest is a boost in their academic career. Just wait until I tell the Dean.”

You felt Eris tense at her disgusting words towards you, but before he could snap at her, you started laughing.

“Poor Eris knows I’ve been a straight-A student since his father was teaching the course. Poor Eris fucks me because he wants to. And no, you won’t go to the Dean.”

She narrowed her eyes at you, smirking.

“Oh, really? And why is that?”

It was your turn to smile as you played your trump card.

“Because the second you step out of this lecture hall, I’ll send your husband the videos of you flirting with what’s mine. Yeah, I heard your husband pays for your lavish little lifestyle, and that he’s super big on monogamy, something you’re not apparently. So, you won’t tell anyone about us unless you’re ready to lose your lifestyle.”

Professor Jensen's expression shifted from smug to shocked as your words hit her. She stammered, clearly caught off guard by your unexpected revelation.

“You can't... you don't have any proof!” she protested weakly.

You raised an eyebrow, a sly grin playing on your lips. “Oh, don't I? You see, I've got quite the collection of evidence, not just a video. Texts, emails, photos—enough to make your husband divorce your old ass in a heartbeat.”

Eris watched the scene unfold, a mixture of surprise and amusement on his face.

“Now,” you continued, “we can all go on with our lives. You won't bother us, and I won't ruin yours. Agreed?”

She hesitated for a moment before reluctantly nodding, defeated by the leverage you held. You smirked, satisfied with the turn of events.

“Oh, and if I hear a whisper of you pursuing Eris ever again, your excuses won't matter—I'll make sure to ruin your life.”

As she hurriedly left the lecture hall, Eris turned to you with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“My, look who has got a knack for theatrics. You don’t actually have any evidence do you, love?”

You smile at him, shaking your head and gasp delighted as he continues fucking you.

“N-no, it was just a bit of intimidation, oh f-fuck, h-harder please.”

Warmth spread through your body as he kissed your neck and check, whispering praises and thanks.

“Thank you, sweet one, you’re such a perfect girl. So good for me.”

He kept pounding harder and harder, pulling you in by your neck as you were held flush against his chest, hands lightly squeezing your throat as your eyes crossed at the lightheadedness.

His dirty words, whispered in your ears made you tighten around him impossibly, and it sure as fuck didn’t help when he angled his hips, hitting that spot that made you cum with just a few strokes as he rubbed your clit, sucking on your neck.

It was all too much and you were starting to get overstimulated, but you still wanted him to cum so you grabbed his fingers and sucked on them as they hit the back of your throat nearly making you gag.

Finally you felt a warmth filling you up as he slowed down, groaning as his hands tightened around your throat.

You both sank into the chair, catching your breath. The air was thick with lingering desire, and a serene haze enveloped your mind, leaving only the soft hum of satisfaction. Eris knew you had reached that fuzzy state where you wanted to be cared for, not being able to make any decisions about anything as you floated in your mind. Glancing at the clock he realized that this classroom would be filled with 200 students in about 10 minutes so he reluctantly pulled out and began dressing you both.

“I’m canceling my last class, sweetheart. Let's head to my place, order some food, and just relax,” he whispered, sealing his words with a kiss. Even if the details blurred in your mind, you held onto him, your trust unwavering.

Eris faced an unexpected challenge; your legs gave out, complicating the journey to the secret alleyway where he usually picked you up.

With gentle care, Eris scooped you up bridal style, hoping the alley would be empty today. Skillfully using back entrances and listening for any signs of intrusion, he made his way to his car. As he approached, he checked for any onlookers before settling you gently in the front seat, which he had reclined for your comfort, its tinted windows offering privacy.

Arriving home, Eris couldn't help but steal glances at you as you peacefully slept in the passenger seat. He marveled at your beauty, cherishing the simple joy of having you close.

You stirred, adjusting to find a more comfortable position. Eris gently tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, captivated by your peaceful beauty.

“Mm, thanks for taking care of me, baby. I love you.”

Hearing those unexpected words, Eris froze. He had known it all along, the feelings growing within him. Yet, he wondered if you were merely tired, your words slipping out without realizing what you were saying.

In the warmth of the moment, his heart fluttering and butterflies dancing in his stomach, he lifted you up, carrying you into his bedroom. There he laid next to you , nerves nearly making him want to throw up as he whispered back the words he had never heard or spoken before,

“I love you too.”

Upon hearing those words, you pulled him closer, resting your head on his chest and placing gentle kisses where his heart beat. Intertwined, you both repeated those three words, reassuring each other that this love would endure forever.

Eris had no doubt in mind, you loved him as he loved you. It was a gentle reminder for someone who hadn’t experienced love before.

[ghost-inacup]

So, how does amatonormativity fuck a person up? (i made the aro survey)

omg okay so hi bestie sit down have some tea cause i might go on an endless rant here:

okay, so lets begin by defining amatonormativity: it is the societal expectation of everyone wanting an exclusive, long term romantic relationship and would be better off with it. some common assumptions made due to this are :

Assuming that everyone wants to get married, and unmarried/unpartnered people are unhappy or lonely

Treating romantic relationships as more important than friendships

The structuring of society around married couples (housing, taxes, etc.)

“Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?” (sourced from: https://sophia.smith.edu/aace/about-asexuality-and-aromanticism/allonormativity-and-amatonormativity/)

Now, while this affects many queer identities, i can only provide an aro perspective on it.

Growing up, all around me, from as young as kindergarten, romantic relationships were prioritised. even 3 year olds who didn't even grasp the concept of romance were like, oh they're dating now, oh they're married now, etc. throughout my life, the expectation that everyone will eventually pursue a romantic relationship was a constant.

And that fucks you up.

Lets start with the fact that it forced me into thinking it would be my end all goal. i would meet a guy, have a romantic relationship, marry him, have kids, the whole package. And that led to quite a few situations where i forced myself to act like i felt romantic attraction, to convince myself to do things i was not ready for. It led to heartache and probably contributed to my depression. It led to destruction of friendships and led to an unhealthy relationship, which i will say is still affecting me. half a decade later and i still berate myself over those things, it has affected my self perception a lot.

then, when i discovered i was aro,(and its still going on tbh) it made me think i was not normal. it led to the realisation of my othering in a way, for i would never truly know what it is that society prizes and lauds so much. It led to a feeling of isolation and forced me to internalise a lot of shit, and probably bottle up things which i still haven't told anyone about.

then, the linking of my self worth with someone showing romantic interest in me. the feeling that something is wrong with me, physically, mentally, emotionally, just because someone never said hey i like you. the fear thats still within me that i am undesirable and not worthy. that even in movies the "ugly" girl sometimes ends up with a boy so why cant i? it led me to cling unhealthily to anyone who shows/ed me even a modicum of affection, to such an unhealthy degree that it destroyed a friendship, all in the wish that i was worthy of someone's love. all in the feeling that if no one likes me romantically, i do not have worth. i would be just someone people barely tolerate and leave as soon as they can.

also, as a cupioromantic: it fucks me up even more. cause i know wanting a relationship is sort of enforcing amatonormativity but fuck, it would be nice to have. and also, the fear that what will i say to an unsuspecting person, who gets in a relationship with me? with the expectation that it will be romantic? " hey sorry i can never love you romantically but i love you with my whole heart and i hope thats enough?" and then watching them leave cause if there isn't romance whats the damn point?

it hurts every time i think people getting in relationships, expecting me to relate about romantic attraction, them saying "you will also get one don't worry" them being allies but not even knowing aromantic and treating me like i'm a cold hearted monster who could never love truly and its the mourning in the corner of my heart for the fact that i can never experience what people say is a fundamental feeling and in the end,

it fucks you up.

[onlycosmere]

StrikerEZ: Just out of curiosity, what's your current plan on potentially writing other books while you write [Mistborn] Era Three? You've mentioned in the past potentially squeezing in other books between those three books.

Brandon Sanderson: Still thinking I might do that. Tor wanted me to set out my schedule, 'cause we're getting ready to sign the contacts for Era Three with Tor. (Our contracts are weird, let's just say. Sometimes we just hand them books, sometimes we do it ahead of time. But this time we're doing it ahead of time.) And they wanted delivery dates, and I said, "I am writing the whole trilogy before I release the first book." It's what I've wanted to do ever since I wrote Era One, I wanted to do this again.

So Era Three is going to be a trilogy, written, that won't get released. And I know I'm going to need a break between books to do other things. And so I'm still thinking that I'll do some of these books that I've been promising people in between, and then release them in some order. It's possible I could write these books, and they could be released while I'm finishing Era Three.

But it's looking like Era Three... it's gonna be a little while. We are pretty sure Stormlight Five is 2024 now. I do apologize on that; though I have been writing on that. These weeks, I only get three and a half days to write, a lot of times. There's so many other things that I need to be doing. Stormlight Five is moving along, but there's too many things going on with it, and I had too many movie things happen this year, it slowed me down, and so we are sure it's 2024 at this point. And then that means, where do we put Era Three? I want to write all three books, I want to have a little time in between each one to write something else.

I want the Era Three books to be around two hundred thousand words like Era One was, not a hundred thousand words like Era Two; just feels like the right length. They could get longer than that; they could end up at two fifty or even three hundred thousand. So that's gonna take me a couple of years of writing before I even get them done and ready to go out.

So, you're gonna get an ending to Era Two. And then you're gonna get an ending to Skyward. And then you're gonna get an ending to Stormlight. Where, there are still things going on in those settings and worlds, but you're gonna get three pretty sizeable endings in a row. And then, we're probably going to be doing other interesting things for a while before you end up getting into Era Two of Stormlight and Era Three of Mistborn.

Interesting things such as: a prose version of White Sand that is actually revised and looking good, a non-Cosmere collection of fiction. Dark One, the novelization, is another thing that you can look forward to; my original outline, I'm working on it with Dan Wells, with turning it into a novel, and I'm very pleased with how that's going. These things are gonna have to fill the void while Brandon works on Era Three. And potentially Nightblood and potentially Elantris sequels.

Sapphire Bombay: Do you have concerns about constraints on your time over the next twenty years? What books do you plan to write between Stormlight Six and Ten?

Brandon Sanderson: That's a good question. I have concerns; I absolutely have concerns. This is definitely the biggest challenge of my career, is fitting everything in. What do I plan to write then? That's a good time for Dragonsteel. Whether I can do Dragonsteel concurrent, because Dragonsteel is so involved (this is the Hoid origin series), whether I can do that concurrent or not is a big question.

I might need something a little lighter, meaning fewer viewpoints, shorter novels in between. Which would lend itself toward another era of Mistborn, as I've told people.

But there's also the possibility that I write other interesting things. For those following the Secret Projects, there is definitely... two of them are related in an interesting way. And another one of them implies lots more, and I won't promise that I'm going to, but these are all things that maybe I will end up doing more of. Consider them all finished, and you can't ask me "when are you gonna do this?" because there are no promises. But who knows what will pop out of the brain.

[andrewminyardapologist]

A Kevin Day hc I assume I'm not the first to have:

We see Kevin drinking during the course of the series. Often, he uses it to relieve extreme anxiety, like when Wymack handed him a bottle of liquor at the banquet and told him "you have ten seconds, go."

(While that's really funny, it also shows how MUCH Kevin drinks because I think he got half a bottle down in that time. In a liter of vodka there is somewhere around 25-30 standard drinks I believe? So that would put anyone without a drinking problem on their ASS. I was a heavy drinker for several years of my life, to the point where I could be blackout drunk and act sober. I am a lot smaller than Kevin, but that would probably put me into a coma if I didn't space it out over a couple of hours. Not mention Kevin was not appearing to be drunk during the banquet. So this leads me to believe he drinks a LOT. More than we see.)

The other time we see Kevin drink is at Eden's, and around the other Foxes for card games or bonding nights. Things that make it easy to not spiral into a dark place because of the alcohol.

He's also very drunk when he gets the chess piece tattoo, and is alone that time, drowning in memories. That was SUCH a huge deal for him. And, he was ALONE.

This is why I think that Kevin probably spends a lot of nights getting wasted by himself. While outwardly he is often very analytical in terms of things like exy and relating to other people, for example his apathy regarding Seth's death or Neil's injuries. Internally, however, he is an extremely emotionally intense person.

This comes out only when he is around really significant trauma triggers, essentially only when Riko is mentioned or when he has to see him in person.

A lot of people joke that Kevin is a coward, but I don't think he is. I think the amount of abuse that happens at the Nest is so intense that the fact Kevin can be in the same room as Riko at all proves how strong he is.

I think what drives him more than fear is grief, that's buried so deep down he can't see it until he's wasted. Riko was his abuser, but they were also inseparable. It's hard to reconcile that.

Kevin is grieving the loss of a brother, he is coming to terms with the fact that someone he cared for so deeply, who was such a large part of his life, could betray him in all of the ways he did. He is grieving the fact that he left Jean there, knowing how horribly Riko treats him.

It is to the point where he needs Andrew to ground him to the Foxes, to not run back there for all of the things he has lost.

I think there are a lot of moments readers didn't get to see where Kevin gets really drunk and can't help but sob. Quietly, into a pillow, somewhere where he's alone and no one can hear. I think when that happens, he either finds Andrew or Andrew finds him.

Andrew doesn't comfort Kevin. Doesn't try to. He just listens to the sounds and if Kevin wants to talk he lets him, even though it's basically unintelligible or sometimes it's in French. Andrew takes the bottle from him and puts it out of reach when Kevin is getting too drunk to not get alcohol poisoning.

Andrew makes sure Kevin gets to bed and leaves a puke bucket within reach. For his sake, not Kevin's. On the worst nights, he's stayed up to make sure Kevin doesn't die in his sleep.

They never speak of this. Andrew doesn't know if Kevin remembers, but he does in bits and pieces. And he seeks Andrew out enough times for Andrew to know his presence is wanted and not an intrusion.

I think when he finally gets sober, Andrew is there for him like that too. Just a presence. Instead of keeping Kevin from returning to Riko, he keeps him grounded when he wants nothing more than to drown himself in a bottle of something. Years down the line, on the rare nights Kevin contemplates breaking his sobriety, he video calls Andrew.

Andrew always answers, and rarely talks. Kevin might say one or two things, but mostly they just sit there together on the phone, Kevin knowing Andrew will come after him if he thinks Kevin is relapsing. Kevin will get a look on his face when the urges get bad, and Andrew will see it and simply say "no," and for some reason that's always enough to drag him back.

[sharonisthebettercarter]

Hai.

How do you measure your top and bottoms? I will likely greatly regret asking.

oh HIIII @diamonddung~<3<3<3!

why yes. yes you will<3 i never did get that answer on fiona's nick valentine % <3 tho you may need to amend billy's % lmao<3<3<3

as a bonafide too queer to function lunatic and multishipper who *hates* catty supremacist false dichotomy fandom bullshit because of all the unnecessary problems it causes (you know me, lmao, bit of another psa in here i guess given multiship tags and yes, i am still upset about the thing with the artist)? ya know i'm a little out there and not quite with the 'in' crowd of the chunk of cis het women who take party~ in the shipping world~<3 no shade, but it does tend to change one's perspective. i do feel there's lots of shipping discourse that may miss the mark/certain character elements in favor of...

well, normally just plain ol' over-sexualization from some horny ass people lfmao, (homie's scene with doppelhomie is a good example, the trauma presented on his face was ignored in favor of the selfcest fantasy, but in antony starr's words, homie wasn't interested, he was traumatized :((() but also unfortunately... echhh i gotta say it!

hetero-normalizing gay ships and then treating the kink presentation like a goddamn religion... the amount of times i have those 'are the straights okay???' moments are just...

LMAO, all in good fun of course<3 let's not kink shame.

it's fine to have different kinks and discourse, disagreements over how you view characters or what you like, even be enthusiastic with your own views and shout them out to the heavens~! it's *NOT* fine to try and police, dehumanize, or discourage others from enjoying what they like just because it's *different* from you and they exist in a *shared* space.

friendly important reminder to *ship and let ship*, *art and let art* however that may be. even if i don't like the way a ship is presented or voice how *i* personally feel about it, i would *never* try to or even have the gall to tell someone *no, you can't do that, my way or the highway*

It does NOT *exclude* you to *include* others. It costs nothing to be *nice* or simply DNI. This is NOT a dichotomy. Fandoms do NOT need additional toxicity and bullying over something so *trivial* as fictional bullshit. EVER.

"i don't like bullies... i don't care where they're from." ;)

anywho~<3 i love top/bottom exploration because i have a very bad BAD~<3 dominance kink, but switching definitely gets the most downplaying/ignoring with a heavy focus on... mmm, i suppose often, more superficial elements half the time and i'll admit some of mine def are~ lmao nose size. and i don't say that to dissuade any writers, young or old. i say it to *encourage* moar deep diving<3<3<3 and even questioning the way you might think/listening to new perspectives~<3!

we all start somewhere and have times of exploration/learning~<3 learning moar and challenging yourself? that's a *good* thing<3<3<3 but sadly, not always valued (it should be!) :(

but apart from canon dynamices/character depth/personality to the best of my ability/understanding? the long answer is ANAL GAPE~<3

among other things, i'm sure that makes no sense whatsoever<3 because some other factors do get thrown in. intelligence because i'm a morosexual and LOVE big dumb tops<3<3<3, practicality super anuses are a death trap to not be played with however super phalli~, and weirdly... nose size. i'm not kidding!

yeah i know some idiot out there told me nose size is apparently related to phallus size and testosterone levels OH WAIT-- but oddly enough...? i think there may be some kinda instinct there LOL, because it seemed to registered in my brain the same way i registered my top/bottoms for the most part, even *before* learning that...

and i *swear*... i'll come back to this shit cause it's hilarious, but even in fanart, you'll see many artists subconsciously/purposefully give the guy they want to 'top' a bigger nose... even if he has a smaller one. ;)))))))))))))))))

BUTT ANAL GAPE! WHAT IS IT!?

not the nasty version ya nasties~<3

it basically boils down to... how big of an ASSHOLE is this asshole... just wide do those booty cheeks spread with the level a disrespect-- how *badly* does he *need* a good railing and prostate MMPH~<3<3<3! or even spanking~<3 how much of a control freak is he? how stubborn~? how far do those bitchy manipulative little devil vibes go~<3<3<3 what does he *want*? really want. figurative dick energy? is he compensating for something? is he in need of, holdin' out for a hero~<3<3<3? how so? how far from the goal of expressing positive masculinity are we and why? just how toxic we talkin~? i'm slippin' under<3

what is the outward presentation being given vs. the one he gives privately/with those he loves? there's a pretty big difference sometimes and it can say a lot. naturally gentle doms like kal-el or steve rogers i see get mislabeled for that old thing, 'mistaking kindness for weakness', so to speak. but as a general rule, they say that in the bedroom~ people actually tend to give the opposite of what they present in their day to day lives/'those with the most control of their lives are secretly the most submissive' or something along those lines, and it makes sense that things would manifest that way when you think about it. (ironically learned about this *after* learning my kinks)

a good example would be billy butcher, who gives the outward presentation of being rough and ragged and 'in control' wannabe logan, but is extremely soft, caring and submissive with those he loves<3 contrast with homelander who has had ZERO control over his own life from day one and *really* likes it rough when he gets the chance and--

boi lemme tell ya hwat--

it's a number of things, lmao, and the calculations in my head are automatic and will not make sense in numbers. so.

i don't think i need to explain much on anal gape when it comes to scott summers, lex luthor, bruce wayne, tony stark, and especially... *especially* billy butcher.

but lets not forget the added morosexual aspect~ which *can* even override anal gape! so let's go over what every one a my tagged ship bottoms might be saying to their big dumb idiot animal tops being DUMB<3<3<3

scott: *glares violently*

lex: *glares in pure bitch trying to hide the horny*

bucky: steve... what the fuck.

tony: *hard eye rolling and harder cuddling*

bruce: . . .

charles: ERIK!?

billy: *as he takes off his clothes* why... are you a brainless cunt?

pay no mind to homie's indignant huffing with a side of horny in response (somebody find me that goddamn meme lmao<3), and brucie might still be processing clark's stupidity lol<3

it's funny tho, cause i have competency kink too~<3 and i love me a good boi team up/learnin' as we go~<3<3<3

practicality? pretty self explanatory... way back when... dc gave us detail on the urinals of the justice league and pretty much confirmed man of steel, woman of kleenex (my favorite<3). i could not make this shit up-- (thanks btw dd for sending me this shit now i HAVE to share it)

so. given that we know superman's piss stream is strong enough to *dent* reinforced titanium steel when *weakened*--.

do i really have to say much about his sphincter? it makes diamonds, it makes fucking diamonds, do not stick anything up there unless you wanna lose it forever.

from a practical sense, i never like making it *easy* for clark~<3 to bone someone lmao, it's just too fun<3<3<3 (blue k is always an option of course) but also... he can vibrate it (along with his fingers and tongue), he has infinite stamina. and he has no refractory period... ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

homelander is much the same, maybe with an added *lack* of control and def a bit moar scary leik, might deliberately murder you scary but STILL--

you could not fucking *PAY* me to miss a goddamn chance for superweiner--

not sure i wanna think about what martian manhunter has... but i'd still let him do whatever to me, honestly<3 he'd be the BEST gentle dom i *swear*. like he'd literally check in and politely ask on you instead of reading your mind and check for any discomfort and be SO SWEET and tender and caring, making sure you're okay the whole time and just genuinely give you an experience you're never gonna forget leik<3<3<3 J'ONN~<3! HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH~<3<3<3

oops... ignore that--

and as for nose size~<3?

well~<3 OBVIOUSLY i want my bottoms to be getting the best they can<3 i SPOIL the shit out of them! of course we NEED the guy with the bigger dong nose to top, they should be havin' a grand ol' time~!

but back to that artist thing and genuinely, genuinely amazing. it's almost like a guarantee and i don't even know if people are aware of doing it, but it is always so hilarious and adorable to me. *especially* with billy butcher, the star of the anal gape show<3<3<3

"they just can't get my nose right!"

and of course no shade/disrespect to the actor (his nose is so goddamn cute<3<3<3 and i love it<3) or any other actors, or artists, but even *becca* (her nose is also cute and i love it~<3) had a bigger nose than him. seriously. homie's nose is fiiiiine~<3 but also actually bigger and longer. and it's just... ALMOST *guaranteed*. anyone who sees billy as a 'top' while drawing him *automatically* gives him the bigger/longer nose... and it just blows my mind how amazingly consistent that seems to be LOL (apparently like the study done on noses and weiners!)

what does that say about us, i wonder...?? (no seriously, i really wonder<3) adamant denial~<3 maybe? ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

billy boo does have the biggest eyes tho~<3<3<3

and apparently, did look it up... but it works inversely with bmi?? which... 100000% explains willem dafoe<3<3<3

it ALSO pretty much... confirms show homelander as their very own willem dafoe/norman osborn... and i never thought i'd have it THIS down bad for osborn but i can't with the things that does to me-- I'VE BEEN CONVERTED!! like the boi *already* is confimed *HUGE* canonically. *by BILLY* in the comic!

but by the gods--

down to the lovely eyes, scary smile, and psychosis. so it is that history repeats... hello mad daddy~<3

god i need to watch dafoe's spooderman again<3

I guess billy boo is now confirmed to be actually *compensating* for SOOOOOO much--

welp. i guess this explains why billy called himself an 'alpha male' unironically which i will never let him live down~<3 he already has the biggest gape i have EVER seen on a character. EVER. like. this boi. has enough gape to fit a goddamn planet up his ass. let's be generous and say that show boi billy is just at moon level. but it is still just. HUGE. which i guess makes homie just the perfect match for him given the willem dafoe vibes--

and honestly... it's beautiful<3

and the best part about billy is just how *self aware* he is of this. he postures to high hell and plays the part his dad would want him to, but he knows it's a goddamn problem, *addiction*, *hates* it, and spends his life looking for *solutions* and *self punishment*...

that's homie baby~<3

billy considered becca his *cure* (if the clear cut submissive role he took with her wasn't enough<3<3<3 SO CUTE<3<3<3) but *homelander* is the *replacement*. his *last resort*. cut my life into pieces--NOOOOO--

goddammit billy boo, i *really* do feel for you, i do... but lemme translate what billy butcher is *actually* saying in both the show and comic in going after homelander. cause lemme tell ya it ain't just revenge...

*destroy me, eviscerate me. because i am afraid of what i will do if you can't stop me. and because you took away the one who could save me, you owe me this and i will take it if need be.*

because there's *one* thing that billy fears, and he's had the ability to say it, even feel it... beaten out of him. but he almost always fully goes into battle *not* intending to come out of it. he *wants* to die and he hates himself a whole lot... and he knows. it's the thing his father gave him, the sickness he passed on that billy never wanted but can't control. but this would also be why he gives no fucks about 'collateral'.

even if by force or violence, billy wants to fail, he wants to be held down, he *wants* to lose, he wants to get knocked back down until he can't get back up anymore. he sure as hell isn't gonna make it easy for anyone, that's not in his nature, but he knows what happens if he can keep going.

billy knows he's a monster, but he is preconditioned to never control it. he sees the kindred monster in homelander, preconditioned to be *under control* but slipping through and vying to get loose... but homelander, despite everything *still* has control... billy wants to see it break, he *needs* it.

ugh~<3<3<3 yes, i know i am redundant with this shit<3 but it's just SO poetic<3<3<3 i CANNOT--

even season 3 evidenced their dynamic and dug in perfectly. scorched urf? the candle's fuckin' lit. herogasm? 3 on 1. ONLY A BRUISE--. billy, bloody smile~ comes back for more? billy gets his ass kicked by the dad on his own and only *maeve* gets anything done to homelander... who doesn't want to kill her, so he holds back even if she won't.

"i respect what you are even if you don't--."

got. damn...

but homie? he's the last lifeline, and he's tied to *both* sides of billy. and a people pleaser<3<3<3! who's also too dumb to get what's going on with billy, not that he'd care if he did... who's at the same time caught and curious by billy's obsession and the mirror between them<3

homie wants and knows how to please people... not just because he's been trained for it or a clear cut service top with dark~<3 elements<3<3<3 or because he wants the feeling he gets from their approval/admiration. very typical of a narcissist lmao, but also because of the added vulnerability that he is easily manipulated/exploited by the women in his life, not realizing he's a victim or being groomed/manipulated.

even the uh... *moment* he had with stillwell, she exploits his trauma and desire for a mother so directly that he just totally loses it and profusely appologizes. he's aware of how to *please* someone if ya get me~<3 ;))))))) (by the apology given at all) but he's *not* aware that she is abusing/exploiting his trauma in this way *because he lacks empathy for himself/has never genuinely had it given without some sort of exploitive exchange*, sort of opposite of billy in this sense too. poor dumb baby~<3!

what's really extra hilarious and ironic is that stormfront is pretty much what a lady billy would be but nowhere near as good as manipulating as him

but all homelander has ever known is the *examples* set before him by vought. and it's... quite obviously not a good one... :(((((((((((((((((( but he's *not* aware. billy is much the same, but he *is* aware. hence the deep buried cravings to be *free* vs. fucking approval ratings in homie, and *controlled* vs. lack of self control in billy... goddammit the fucking POETRY<3<3<3

so? it's just more of the same old same old. and homie loves, LOVES not having to hold back once he gets a taste for it... with *stormfront* no less... but *also* from billy in a different sense and now... beyond. still ADORE how he went flaccid on the nazi rhetoric lmao even this boi has his limits<3--

"let's light this candle--"

it's already fucking lit--

... you know full well how excited i get, lmao<3 and ya DID ask<3<3<3 XD

everyone else (to homelander): don't be what they made you... please for the love of fucking gawd, PLEASE--

billy: be what they fucking made you motherfucker, i wanna fuck FIGHT and see everything destroyed. i'll wait.

stormfront: be what we fucking made you, i wanna fuck and see everything not us destroyed. i won't wait.

but the short answer? i go by % of willem dafoe energy, the *CORRECT* answer is WILLEM DAFOE<3<3<3 (not to be confused with norman osborn... unless willem dafoe<3) DUH~!

WOOO-- goddamn... and i ain't even done yet. i spend WAY too much time obsessing over these fuckers, i SWEAR.

and ALSO the ladies~<3 are tops. all of them. ALL OF THEM. NO EXCEPTIONS-- lmao, KIDDING... maybe<3 (i might do another one going over mah lady~<3 ships<3<3<3 cause this got long... and i did get carried away with butchy and homie... of course i did. but you know how i love them<3<3<3)

[tohjwcc]

Who am I? INTRODUCTION

Alright, so I've been here for like..half a year now? I actually don't entirely know, but ish 6 months. But I feel like I want to introduce myself. Idk why.

- So. Hi. I'm tohjwcc.. I honestly wanna change it, but I'm scared people won't recognize me if I do haha. So, I guess I'm stuck with it for a lil while longer.

- My personality is complicated. For any camp cretaceous fan, I can easily describe myself as a softer version of Yaz. I have a strong Yaz side, but another big piece of my personality is just quirky and weird and funny (people say I'm funny.. so I hope they're telling the truth lol). But also, I've been told... SO. MANY. TIMES.... That I'm too nice for my own good. I'm kind and nice to everyone. I can't be mean to anyone. At least not on purpose. That is one thing that separates me and Yaz from being completely identical (personalitywise). But ofc there are other small stuff that also separates us two a little but yeah.

- English is sadly not my first language, so any bad grammar or wrong wording could appear, so I apologize for that. I also like to make up new words, so if there's a word you've never heard before, it's probably one of my new creations. Confusion can appear, you've been warned.

- On this blog.. is it a blog? I don't even know. Anyways, on this account thingy I mostly post about camp cretaceous/chaos theory. That is where my main interest is. That leads us to my next.. ugh, me and words. I don't even know what it's called I'm my language. Paragraph, maybe? Let's go with that. That leads us to my next paragraph.

- Favorite shows. I've got a LOT, but the ones that might appear on this account are probably just Jwct/jwcc and the owl house. There's a chance like stranger things and heartstopper could be joining us too. I know nothing. I could be posting/reblogging random crap as well, so nothing is for sure.

- I started watching camp cretaceous when season 3 had been released. I was in my "Jurassic world era", so I had been watching all the Jurassic world movies (ish), so I guess I just wanted to rewatch some of them again, and then I saw it. "Jurassic world camp cretaceous". I was like "OoO". I began to watch it, and fell in love with it RIGHT AWAY. Also, a funny fun fact, I started watching it when I was 12. And now I'm 15. This means I was as old as the youngest character when I started watching it, and I am NOW as old as the OLDEST characters are in the show. This show has been with me through all my teenage years so far. I'm so greatful for this show and these campers. They helped me through so much, and I could never thank them enough.

-The jwcc character i can relate most to is Yaz. 10000%. Like I said before, she is so me. My friend says I'm a Yaz, and she once said I even looked like Yaz, which is cool, but idk how cuz I'm not a brunette haha. But these are the bestest compliments I've ever gotten.

Shoutout to everyone who even bothers to read this lmao. I might add stuff to this later, who knows.

Have a great day ^^

[ahimoth-storm]

some relatable quotes (and why)

so i wanted to make a post about some quotes from anime/movies/cartoons that relate to me in a way. there is a lot, to be honest, so for now i'll only put a few. who knows, i might do a part 2 and songs next. if you have any quotes you relate to, feel free to comment them!

now that i look over this....i realized it looks more like a vent post due to me adding why the quote is relatable in parenthesis... shit-

I don't understand why everybody has to be so judgmental. ...."Hey, Cody's just a bum." "Cody's this," "Cody's that," "Cody's this." Cody's me, bro. Let me be me. When is that going to start? ~Cody Maverick, Surf's up (constantly being compared to others, told i should be like this or more like that)

I, am on, *so* much migraine medication you have no idea... The stress is killing me. I dunno how much longer I can last, I have to tell you that right now! ~Mikey Abromowitz, Surf's up (i have chronic migraines; stress makes it worse)

No joy, man. No joy...Fail. ~Big Z, Surf's up (me after telling myself "i'ma have a good day" and it ends up being shit)

Mikey, why don't you head on over to the snack bar and get yourself a big bowl of shut up? ~Reggie Belafonte, Surf's up (me when i am not in a good mood and people make it worse. me when someone pisses me off then tries to make me laugh)

heh heh, this place sucks, bro. ~Cody Maverick, Surf's up (me at school, me at home, me at the store, me in any sort of inconvenient/annoying place)

i promote happiness! can you see the happiness emanating from me!? what's wrong with you? ~Reggie Belafonte, Surf's up (me looking in the mirror when i am one minor inconvenience away from absolutely losing my shit)

*sigh.* why is it that whenever i'm having fun, it's wrong? ~Squidward, Spongebob (me. just me)

what are those neanderthals doing?.... ~Squidward, Spongebob (me with my nosy neighbors, me at the store and people are acting absolutely RIDICULOUS)

too bad that didn't kill me. ~Squidward, Spongebob (me, with just anything)

i hate all of you. ~Squidward, Spongebob (me after i graduated in 2023)

well, it wouldn't be the first time you ruined everything. ~Squidward, Spongebob (me when my family just can't get along, younger me with my little brother 'cause my father always favored him)

wake me up when i care. ~Squidward, Spongebob (me when my little brother constantly woke me up for the damn nintendo wii (i wanted to do what Squidward did when he bashed his head into the register, but to a table or wall instead))

why am i always the one handing out apologies? ~Shippo, Inuyasha (was blamed for everything; grew a habit of apologizing for everything)

...nothing i could've gained was worth losing her. nothing at all. ~Sesshomaru, Inuyasha (i lost my grandma in january of 2021)

i want you to be happy. i want you to laugh a lot. i don't know what i'll be able to do for you, but i'll always be by your side. ~Kagome, Inuyasha (me to my best friend who i've known and been friends with since 2018)

people like you… are the reason why people like me need medication. ~Inuyasha, Inuyasha (many people in the world, and many types of people, are driving me up a fucking wall)

i just don't like giving up, there's a difference! ~Inuyasha, Inuyasha (i refuse to give up on something/someone that means so much to me, unless i absolutely have a good reason (even then, a part of me still wants to refuse giving up))

i can't be at peace until i find out the truth. Sailor Mercury, Sailor Moon (there are a lot of things happening in my family, as it was split in half when i was very young. one side says this, the other side says that. i'm in constant turmoil trying to figure out who is and who isn't lying. it feels like the equivalent of being ripped apart)

18 quotes, and now my fingers are cramped T^T they'll only cramp more when i add the tags.

[lowlyroach]

500) Ghost

I wanted to do something for this one

Half of a thousand

And I bet most still have some relation to you

I was going to go through them all

And count

But, instead

I'll write about Today.

Today is robotic again

Callous

I feel I am losing sympathy

Empathy evading me

It's not unfamiliar

I was like this for a long time

I just don't have capacity for care

Outwardly, at least

Is it disassociation?

Am I halfway up in the ceiling

Defense mechanism for pain

Exhaustion hangs like a curtain over my eyes

All I want to do is sleep until I've died

What do I say, except

It's whatever.

It doesn't matter.

You haven't been around for a while

A month since I've seen you

I want to believe it wasn't your desire

Or intention

To just, leave

To ghost me without a word

You said you'd be around

That you chase by not ever truly leaving

Then where did you go?

Remember when you told me

You don't mind fighting for me?

That if I tried to run

You wouldn't let me?

That I can talk to you about anything?

That you'd be right there when I was ready

You listened to me pee, after all

You said you loved me.

I never responded that day.

When I ran, you let me

But I was always watching you

Visiting the mall

And checking in

I was always there to make sure you were

Doing alright

i was just afraid of you leaving again

Are you leaving, again, bug?

A photo of your back

I'm always looking at your back.

I don't have enough photos of you

I'm always watching everyone walk away

When I fight it's not enough

It's too late

Nothing changes

An agoraphobic best friend who

Never came back

And is he dead?

And another who

Left both of us for other friends

And it's tough thinking about always leaving

Always leaving

Do I have abandonment issues?

Where did these come from?

Or is this just something new

Born from this thorny pain

It comes to cruel realizations of

Watching people leave

And when I reach out

They don't come back

I didn't really mind letting anyone else go

Except you.

I'm worried about you

I want to know if you're okay

If something happened

Who can I talk to?

Nobody knows I've still been

Talking to you

if they did you might be ruined, so

What am I meant to do?

A sign that you're alright

Just tell me you don't want to talk to me

Say anything

Say anything

Tell me that you've been hiding

That you're leaving

That I'm just not good for you

That you hate that

I'm just not good for me

Just tell me something

I'm worried

I'm so worried about you

Do I try to reach out to your best friend

To call the restaurant you work at

Did you work there, today?

Or the tattoo shop?

Do I just do nothing

But sit and wait?

Are you still here, somewhere

Hiding?

it's not like you have a blog where you post

All the poetry of what you feel

How inconvenient that is.

I don't know if I can afford to hope

That you aren't just leaving

That I can afford that awful curse of

Hope

That I can raise my standards

That you're not

Gone, without a trace

And I don't want to step on your toes

On your life, again

But you left me without an orbit

Silence, and the star is swallowed

And I beg and I hear nothing

So where did you go, Ghost?

Oh, there's the emotions again

Let me reel those in

Just cry and let it out

Let it out.

Let it out.

A girl slapped me at work today

When I asked her to

It reminded me of you

And the butterflies came alive again

Thinking about your hand on my face

She asked if I liked to be praised

Or degradated more

Which kink do I prefer?

I like them both but

Maybe degradation

I am a bit masochistic, after all

Maybe

I don't need love

Just hit me

I don't need you to love me

Just hit me

Just hit me

Then call me pretty

Don't leave me alone

For so long I've been searching

For something that felt like a home

Without the threat of pencil graphite

Still stuck in my shoulder

It's been 15 years since my brother

Jumped off the stage

Just to slam the pencil into me

And I still see it there as a reminder

Of his cruelty

And a home without

The cops getting called to pull mom

To a prison cell

After drinking and almost

Crushing her child's feet beneath

The kitchen island

And a home where

When I walked down the street and called

My friends

They wouldn't tell me that

'It's not a good time, right now'

When I needed help

The night when I earned this ugly knuckle

On my right hand

And I'm sorry I never responded

And I'm sorry I'm so much

And I'm sorry I'm not enough

And I'm always so sorry

I just really want to talk to you again

One tear is all I have in me, today

And a face contorted with pain

Looks like I'll remain robotic

As long as I don't look at the man in the mirror

Sorry, I'm not eating enough

And the number on the scale keeps dropping

And I had a dream I was so scrawny

But hey, I had a six-pack, still

Today, I was so hungry it hurt

So I ate and now I'm full

But the number will probably still drop tomorrow

The scabs on my hands are almost healed

After I rubbed them raw on that metal fence

I've been picking at them, still

They bleed, a little longer

And you haven't touched the playlist recently

And are you erasing me?

Are you going to tell me to have a happy birthday?

Are you going to say anything?

We were supposed to go see a movie

And I just don't know how to check in on you

I hope you're well

I hope you're doing well

Because I'm trying to come to terms with the fact

That I will be afraid forever

And that I will never have another star in orbit

And I will have to get by on this ugly love

And that life is just

Losing

And that you won't be coming back

You made me feel like the

Best version of me

Isn't that what I was supposed to be?

To look for?

Isn't that why you choose to love someone?

That they bring out the best in you?

That they compliment and complete you?

Two halves torn and I'm back to

My old self, again

I miss you, Bug

I miss you, Love

I miss you, Queen

I miss you, Electricity

I miss you, Starlight

I miss you, Moon

I miss you, One Whose Beauty Transcends The Universe

I miss you, Lovebug

I miss you,

Ghost

Despite all these names

I could never call you, Mine

Come back again, sometime

I hope he brings out the best in you.

I hope you're alright.

I really hope you're doing just fine.

[rasazys-ramblings]

Sorry for the rant/vent (whatever) but I feel like Tumblr is the only place I can turn to to talk about my problems, especially related to gender and sexuality, without someone I know making fun of me

I still remember my two day field trip for orchestra. On the second day after our concert, we got to go to a hot spring or walk around the area. There were two any gender changing rooms, but only one was open. There were six of us, including me, standing there, waiting to change out of our concert attire. I knew everyone waiting. I am an introvert who doesn't know anyone except my friends and the kids that the teachers always call on.

We stood there and waited for about half an hour to a full hour, I can't remember clearly, waiting to change. One transmasc, four non-binary, one demiboy. It was terrible seeing everyone having fun, but us stuck waiting for each other and taking turns using one changing room.

Sometimes I forget how much it sucks to be any gender other than a male or female in this world, and it sometimes makes me wish I was a straight, cis Asian woman, but I'm not. I don't want to be. But looking through everything, I no longer feel comfortable being nonbinary, omni, ficto, abnosexual, or aegosexual. But that's what I think I am, and that's what I've been trying to accept, but society won't let me and it keeps reminding me, along with my parents, my entire family, that I can't be, and I shouldn't be any of those. Everything is she/her, he/him, male, female, brother, sister, man, woman, ma'am, sir, it's driving me crazy and it makes me wish I never found out about other genders or sexuality, it makes me wish I never found out about lgbtq, and sometimes it even makes me wish I fucking discriminate people who weren't their assigned birth gender, and it's terrible because I don't want to be, and I literally cannot make myself be one, and it makes me sick knowing that this world has made me think that at all. I feel like no one should ever think that. No one should ever have to think any of that. It's disgusting.

I'll never, never forget the time when I was at a friend's birthday party and my mom asked how many boys and girls there were. I told her how many, but added how a few people were trans. She instantly started using correct grammar and punctuation. She never does that.

I also won't forget those times at the dinner table when I asked my parents, "Are you okay with gay?" "Are you okay with trans people?" etc. and how they said they were okay with it, but proceeded to say something that completely contradicted their "yes". Or maybe I just remember a time they were being phobic. Yeah, they might not realize it, but it's made me afraid to talk about it around them.

I wish it was easier to accept who I am. I wish it was easier for others to accept who they are. I wish society could be more friendly to us. I wish there were more people whose families supported us and their children, and could understand us better. But no. They can, the could, but they won't.

[acourtofthought]

Hi. So, forewarning I might ramble a bit. I love your blog. It’s how you articulate your views and are able to keep calm and polite when some anons try to rile you up. I’ve been an SJM fan since 2017 I think and have just been a casual reader. Still am. ACOMAF has been my favorite SJM novel since and I’ve remained a Feysand girlie. I’ve literally never cared about any other character so deeply (I did relate to Nesta in significant ways in ACOSF and I’m so happy she found her inner circle too💖) until the infamous bonus chapter in ACOSF. I always thought Az may end up with Elain. Never was really interested in the ship anyway. When Mrs. Maas blessed us with that amazing bonus chapter, it’s like something sparked in my brain. Obviously, I like any other casual reader, immediately thought, these two will(not might, at least for me) end up together. I could not waitttt for the next ACOTAR novel. Throughout ACOSF, I grew to love Gwyn and I think that’s why i took so strongly to the possibility that she and Az might end up together. That she might experience a love that would set heart alight when he gets his act together, that is, because right now it’s a toxic and unhealthy mess. So imagine how perplexed I was when I stumbled on a tiktok that basically said that Az hardly spoke to Gwyn in ACOSF, the she was just a side character and that there was no way they’d be a thing. So I decided to do some digging just to find out what other readers were thinking. That sent me down the rabbit hole that is the ACOTAR fandom where I discovered that there was in fact a war within the fandom over who Az was going to end up with. I thought that it was pretty obvious🤣🤣🤣. And in many ways, it is. And it’s so sad because Elain and Gwyn are both taking all the bullets while everyone babies the male. Anyway, I ended up on Tumblr where I found my people, the Gwynriels. The blogs, the art it was great. Your blog actually made me an “Elucien”. I’m rooting for the now🥹. It was actually because of your blog that I began to see so many parts of Lucien and Elain’s characters that I never really saw before. Just like Cassian, I felt sorry for Lucien because I thought at first, that it would be Elain and Az. I don’t think that anymore. I think Lucien and Elain are the most aesthetically pleasing (even though I’m a Feysand and Gwynriel girlie) couple. She’s so beautifully feminine and loves flowers and thrives in sunshine and he’s the son of the Sun. Because of your blog, I’m soooo curious as to how their story will go. The tension. The angst etc. Anyway just wanted to let you know😁.

Thank you for your message and I always appreciate a good ramble! 😁 And I really appreciate hearing you say that you enjoy my thoughts on Elain and Lucien. I'm hoping I'm correctly reading what SJM has told us about them (as individuals and a possible ship) because I think they could have an incredible journey ahead of them. I realize not everyone ships Gwynriel. But it's extremely odd that despite what they personally feel in terms of what the interactions between Gwyn and Az mean, they want to continue pretending there's nothing there when at least half the fandom feels there is. I think the percentage that ships Brycriel is extremely small, maybe 5% (if that). I think there is also a small percentage of the fandom that ships Az with someone completely new. But the majority are split between E/riel and Gwynriel (though I think the a higher percentage of that does lean toward Gwynriel). So it's absolutely crazy for E/riels to claim there's no evidence for the Gwynriel ship as a possibility. Anyone pretending like that much of the fandom is simply imaging the interactions between Gwyn and Az as hinting at a future romance is a person very scared for the E/riel ship. And I think that's because they know that the introduction of a new LI for Az could spell the end of he and Elain. I think they feel E/riel is able to stand against the threat of Lucien since right now she "doesn't want a Mate" but they're less secure in E/riels ability to stand against Az having his own mate because we know he wants one. Which is why they they then need to resort to Gwyn slander. I get having a ship, I shipped E/riel at one point and was a little sad to realize that she seemed to be switching directions. But it's not enjoyable to read the books and purposely ignore the entire picture that SJM has given us just to pretend that we can influence the outcome of the series by doing so. I hate being in suspense which is one of the reasons it became so important for me to go back over the series with a bit of an obsessiveness to figure out the clues she's left for us. Even now I would rather her straight up tell me if Elucien is or isn't happening because the sooner I know, the sooner I can accept whatever will be. But it's because of that mentality that makes me feel confident that I'm not turning a blind eye to the characters journeys, regardless of whether it supports the outcome that I want. E/riels seem to do the opposite. They have this need to convince themselves that no matter what is in the books, no matter what has changed over the series, E/riel is still happening and that sort of mentality is going to be to their detriment. Pretending Gwynriel isn't just as romantically coded as past SJM endgame couples is only going to hurt them in the end because if it does happen, it's going to be a complete shock. It's one thing to say "I think she's deciding between E/riel and Gwynriel but I hope it's E/riel." But to say, "there is zero romantic coding for Gwynriel and I have no idea where people are getting that from" means they spent the last how many years acting like over 50% of the fandom was making shit up even though they had literal text from the book to support what they were saying. I really don't understand why that's a preferable approach, the "sticking your head in the sand like an ostrich" method, over really looking at what the author has told us so they can be better prepared for whatever is coming, even if it's not the end we were hoping for.

[ebbarights]

alright so people won't be annoyed at me liveblogging a three day old episode with thoughts they have already seen a million times i will compile all my thoughts into one post so you can just skip this

SHIV PREGANTE??? i was 80 percent sure this was happening but i'm still fucking surprised just like with logan's death

the intro sounds soo fucky. like i thought there was something wrong with my speakers but this happening right after logan's death I LOVE IT

hiam abbass in intro we love to see it

i feel like i do have to add (since no one will read this anyway) that the reason it has taken this long for me to watch it is that i really really think watching succession is bad for me. like it kind of counts as self-harming behaviour i think. but yesterday i went on a long walk that really helped and now i feel more equipped for the episode. let's see if it undoes all the progress!!

MARCIAAAAAAAAAA MY LONGEST YEAH BOI EVER

this really is the season of hugs

'i'm sure it'll crush me eventually' 'pre-grieved' relatable repression king

my one wish for when the show is over is that someone makes a greg-less cut. just remove all of the scenes where greg's there

first sympathetic karl moment

the HEAVY swedish accent oskar has i love it

willa absolutely slaying that dress and marcia. queen on queen violence

krank real

'i have been worried that this was gonna happen for ages' real. whenever anything bad happens i have already anticipated it and so my emotions never feel real in the moment? like i've practiced them already so often that it's hard to feel something u know

kind of weird to say and probably gonna bite me in the ass later but it really seems like kendall is the most well-adjusted of all of them

'he's a bit racist' interesting use of present tense there roman. sure you've pre-grieved enough

kendall's second name is logan officially confirmed huh

frank openly laughing at greg i loooove it roman fully saying he hates him i am so here for this

is it real motif showing up yet again

i actually can't bear this frank kendall dialogue

did frank say 'he left you' or did he say 'he loved you'

roman just immediately leaving when tom shows up. same

i never would've guessed that shiv would blame herself. honey being on the plane didn't kill him. but it makes so much sense that she feels left behind and alone

i still want to know about how shiv and tom met and what that difficult time was

like i fully believe tom loves shiv and that he means what he says when he tries to comfort her. but with the background of his one ally being dead there's just no way that shiv can believe a word he says, and it's gotta be at least one motivating factor for him

DOG WITHOUT IT'S PERSON roman take a look at that mirror and see what you might find in there

clogged toilet -> bodily fluids motif really all the motifs making a comeback this episode

why is shiv like half a head taller than roman her heels aren't that high

STEWYYYYYYYYYYY

KERRYYYYYYYYYYYY

greg stop talking about being distasteful you fully asked for a job while logan was in a coma

i love roman being nice to kerry maybe i'm naive but i can't see an ulterior motive for that? unless he wants to be like logan oh my god please don't please no

romtom real (also i just accidentally typed rimtom. accidentally? guess we'll never know)

stewy lore his dad is 95 and is 'normal' enough to just randomly sue his neighbour

KENSTEWY REAL

haunted house motif real

i love willa's mom

roman's joking about growing old sharing a bed with his siblings like charlie and the chocolate factory but i'm serious i want that. in my life. both for them and for me and my friends

roman yet again being the only one who thinks about connor. at all

helping old ladies cross the street somebody kill me

roman admitting he betrayed them just so he can get a shot at ceo. well at least he told them himself?

here's the thing i kind of think kendall's right about shiv not really working but. god emotionally i will kill him for you shiv. cutting her out again?????

'i'm not trying to fuck anyone' ace king

shivshivshivshivshivshiv

GREG I LOATHE HIM

SHIVSHIVSHIVSHIVSHIV

connor's mom?????

jesus kendall. i knew he would do this but jesus.

once again the end titles music is so fucking amazing.

[apinchofm]

Hello! My app glitched and I think it might have sent half my ask? I gonna requesting an adow fic where maybe Miriam gets to meet the Queen and Lady Danbury? Maybe she’s disparaging Marcus’s rakish tendencies (or Matthew’s General disposition) or they’re taking about how Marcus is going to marry Marina?

Idk I just think adow & bridgerton would be hilarious with Marcus running around the ton 😂

Oh my god, I love this!

Miriam sighed waiting outside the large, respectable-looking home. Except, it was far from respectable on the inside. The front door finally opened to see Dr Marcus Whitmore, shirt loose and hair a mess leaving, a very happy woman wanting him to stay.

"Marie, my love, I bid you adieu!" Marcus kissed the woman's hand and winked, making her giggle. He threw his coat over his shoulder and turned to see his godmother, her carriage and his godfather who was waiting

"Oh, I'm in trouble aren't I?" He mockingly pouted as he got into the carriage, sitting across from Bertrand who raised an amused eyebrow. Miriam got in and off they were.

"You need a wife," Miriam demanded and he sighed. This conversation again.

"Why? I would get bored." Marcus replied.

"I am serious." Miriam hissed, "You are to marry for the love of God! And all you do is sleep around."

"I'm a doctor," Marcus defended. And he was, during the day. Then at night, he was not.

"They call you 'The Merry Rake'," Bertrand murmured reading a pamphlet and the laugh he was going to let out turned into a cough when his wife glared at him.

Marcus smirked, "Who am I marrying? Which poor little debutante will I sully?"

"Lady Danbury will make your match," Miriam announced a smug smile on her face.

Marcus groaned. Lady Agatha Danbury hated him.

..

The old woman circled him with scrutinising eyes and he had to bite his lip. Lady Danbury wanted to take a look at the young man before she would make a match. She always saw him - at balls, in the streets

"How many?" She demanded

"How many?" He repeated feigning ignorance with a smirk. It was safe to say she was not amused.

"Do not worry, I don't have anything." Marcus assured, "Everyone I have had relations with is of the... highest quality. Even a few of your peers."

Agatha huffed and turned to Miriam and Bertrand who were sipping tea, watching with anticipation.

"He is attractive. An excellent income. If he can put his extracurricular activities away, I can line up a few girls. Someone to keep him out of trouble and other people's beds." She told them.

"Thank you, Agatha-" Bertrand began.

"Do not thank me yet, my Lord." She interrupted "There will be a number of mamas I will have to convince to attach their daughters to such a rake."

"Agatha, you flatter me like no one else," Marcus said, sneaking a kiss to her cheek before sauntering out of the drawing-room. Lady Danbury looked after him, outraged and then looked back at his guardians.

"We will chain him to our home," Miriam promised.

[the-blind-geisha]

im gonna ask this on anon cuz of shy. but... in your opinion or anybodys what is the diff between stolen/inspired? I'm half worried that i might accidentally write something that'll seem stolen from others if not careful. 😅

This isn't to scare anybody off. I just want to offer what insight I can for folks. ♥

Sadly, anon, when it comes to fandom content especially, people do get a bit...aggressive. lol I'm not gonna sit here and say 'what? who? me?? I WOULD NEVER!' Because like I said before: I HAVE been that way. It's been a good 10 or so years since I have, but your 30s tend to chill you out... It did me anyways, can't speak for others. lol

Do know that if anybody acts that way, it's mostly insecurity and or worry their inboxes won't be filled with love and want for more of their content. It's not something you should be ashamed of. Your writing was just so good it rattled them. How they act is not on you and never will be on you. I speak, again, from a place of knowing from being that way and being on the receiving end of it.

Being inspirited by someone: If someone or something inspires you to do something new or unusual, they make you want to do it. If someone or something inspires you, they give you new ideas and a strong feeling of enthusiasm.

So, basically, I've had people tell me they are driven to want to write their own Demiurge stuff thanks to my writings. And dang man, am I beyond ecstatic when I read that.

Now, if they write anything about a Supreme Being having been Isekaied with Ainz and the NPCs, and Demiurge is in love with them? That's inspired and also, to add to the point, a token love story that's often used in the fandom. I cannot take credit for this idea, nor can I claim anybody was inspired by me in particular to write it.

Nobody can who has done this formula layout.

It's basically a layout that's easy enough for first time writers to get their shoes wet in Overlord in my humblest opinion. Same for if they are suddenly in a relationship with Ulbert and then Demiurge merges that idea into the character in question.

If their OC is an angel? Same thing. I cannot take credit for that thought. Besides, as I told a friend: angel/demon relationships are as cliché as you can get. And I LOVE that cliché. I know I'm not alone there. ♥

I am sure there are a lot of people who claim that if you write ideas closely in relation to theirs, you're stealing somehow. If you use the same tropes, tags, ect. But no. As much as those people want to believe that, it's not the case.

So let's move onto my next part.

Stealing: When you take WORD FOR WORD someone else's story or are obviously just coloring on top of someone else's hard work. That the layout has only a slight tweak, basically, and I'll explain.

Now, I've mentioned these things on and off before, but I'll use them as reference again.

A long time ago, I was RPing an erotic story with a friend regarding her character being sold into a harem with a bunch of guys in another fandom who were basically shut-ins. Each new female had to be auctioned between these shut-ins and the highest bidder would get the female.

Now, I wrote a snippet (which I still have and is very much storaged on my DA) where the characters by the name of Thunderhawk and Sojourner were bidding heatedly for her character. The final, winning bid was 200,000. Against my friend's character's will, she was to be pushed off and stripped of her clothing as these two anthro snow leopard like lady twins were to bring the winner, Thunderhawk, his prize. The image I had drawn that used to be up was her character naked with her arms bound behind her back.

It was going to be a graphic novel, but my interests in the fandom was dwindling, and it didn't happen.

Now, I had someone comment on one of my art pieces saying 'oh that Rule 34 website has something up in the works called Spectre's Haven--you might be interested in it'.

And I went to read the pages up and...

The characters are all shut-ins (which is a given with the material we were both writing from, so that's no big), but then you had 2 obvious off screen characters asking for 'what was the starting bid' and having the woman bound naked before the men, going into bidding wars for the women they want for their harems... Sojourner and Thunderhawk were seen bidding heatedly side-by-side. Spectre, however, came out the victor....for 200,000. lol

The woman they got was nervous to be in the harem just like my friend's character was, but was told that it was not so bad. After there was nothing for them to 'grab from' where my snippets and stuff was concerned, it just went into pure on porn.

When I talked to the writer about it nicely and they had this to say to tl;dr it: 'yeah, I had the harem idea in my head for awhile now, read your stuff. Loved it btw, and I decided to make a reference to it as that's what I do. Thunderhawk almost won the bidding war but I decided last minute to make it Spectre instead. We didn't think it was necessary to put in credits, since it was obvious.'

Keep in mind: this is from a website that, while the comic was free, they still get ad revenue on their site. They got money from my work and never bothered to credit the original source because there was 'no point'. lol

It hurt but, I didn't bother to fight it.

Now, again, it's fine to have the same idea as me. But when stuff starts to align really closely like that? It's...alarming. You can easily do a harem idea without a bidding war. There's MANY ways to do that. But they just used mine because it was easier, I suppose. I dunno. They could have even used other characters that they grabbed from. There was like six total I used and that they were referencing too. I still feel there was other ways to do their comic. And besides, if you're going to reference me and admit to that when you work on a mature website that gets money for your work...? CREDIT me.

They had a far bigger follower base, and here I am getting nothing for it other than I loved the artist they had doing the comic, so I guess my idea was in their story and in the art I loved... ^^"

And the winning bid could have been anything. They said it was obvious nobody noticed the wink and nod at my stuff but uh...no. lol My friends/readers saw it and actually got madder than me at it. xD; I told them not to do a thing. As long as my friend's character wasn't used, I wouldn't be upset.

And to be honest? As long as someone takes something of mine like this again but does it for free? I really can't be that upset. Is it disrespectful? Sure. But I won't be heated about it if money isn't obtained from my ideas.

Now, fast-forward to 2020 where I wrote/illustrated to page one of Dancing with the Devil, my erotic/non-con Demiurge/OC comic, and then later the reader insert, Devil's Contract.

I was conversing with somebody at the time who instantly threw down the link to their story saying how similarly it sounded to their fic. Keep in mind, I never read fanfics in any fandom. My ADHD won't allow me to focus on someone else's works I am not close to let alone my own writing. (When it came to their story, I kudos it in a fit of mercy since they kept reblogging 'pity me posts' about their writings.)

As you can guess, we had some similar themes going on: non-con, bad BDSM etiquette, calling Demiurge 'Master', a human character he abuses but turns to love, the works.

But that's it, though. We had similar THEMES. Not similar deliveries.

If you read either of our fics, it's basically night and day.

However, this caused her to be furious and think I was stealing from her. Especially when my kudos, bookmarks, and comments took off. She would vent read my comments and obviously stay on top of my stats more than me, because she's that kinda way, I guess. Noticing that people not in Overlord were reading/loving my story was making her irate, as she had already damaged her reputation in the fandom twice before. She hated she couldn't get that sort of fanbase, so she started to falsify her own through dummies and anons when she 'rebuilt her fic'. (I'll leave this here, because it doesn't need to go beyond this.)

Now, another friend of mine is nervous to write her own version of something like this given the prior hostility in the fandom where this person was concerned. I told her in DMs "I'll support the hell out of your fic. Whether you post it publicly or just snippets to me in private".

And that's the truth.

I don't care if other people write something with similar themes to me. I really don't, and others shouldn't either. It means the world gets two cakes with (hopefully) different deliveries.

Now, if someone were to take some of my snippets here and replace the blank reader with a character of their own choosing? That's theft.

Please, don't ever do that to anybody. lol

If you want to do that, because you want to use it as a backbone for your fic? Ask first and then credit the person. Even if you requested the snippet in question: the person wrote your idea. You still deserve to give that person full credit for the thought they put down for you. ♥

But, I am only one person in a sea of many. And to be honest? As long as you're not making money off of my stuff, then good. I just don't want my ideas being sold is all.

Otherwise, it's our playground, and fanfiction I feel is a great way to learn where to go. ♥

I honestly and truly hope nobody ever feels scared to write to, post their writings.

I hate that some places have become like a warzone, but you can always do your best to curate your experiences. ♥

And, again, while I am ADHD and have a hard time reading, if you link me to your story and ask for my opinion, I'll be happy to read it. ♥ You know I will.

[calicosdiary]

just saw the movie uproar, new julien dennison. and Ohhh my lord.

it's about a boy called josh, who's half maori, in 1981 I THINK might have been 1984. irs about him finding his identity and finding who he is, and i fear i related to it jusr a little bit too much

during that time, the south african rugby team, the springboks, were on a tour of new zealand. it was during the time that south africa had basically legalised racism, with apartheid happening there. a lot of new zealand felt that we shouldn't let the springboks in, to show that we don't support the racism in south africa. others thought that we should keep politics out of sport, and chose to turn a blind eye to it all with the defence of, "don't interrupt a good rugby game,". it absolutely tore the country apart.

anyway this is the time the movie takes place. josh's brother is coaching his schools rugby team, and josh is in it, despite him not wanting to. josh wants to try out for a drama school in australia, but his mum doesn't want him to, saying that that isn't certain, it's unstable, whereas rugby will get him a good support system, and a guaranteed career.

at the same time, josh's friend, grace, is participating in protests against the springbok tour. most of the people protesting are māori and pasifika, with grace being samoan. josh is only half maori, with his maori dad being dead, so he feels disconnected from it. he begins to trail along to different meetings and gatherings, observing all these people together, people like him. after he hears an emotional speech from an old kuia (grandmother) about the racism she's faced, and how she won't support the racism in south africa, hence the protesting, josh is inspired to join the protest (there's this Amazinf moment where josh goes up to her and says "i didn't know all that about your people" and the kuia says "dear, they're your people too" and i cried so hard)

anyway josh is told he isn't allowed to protest because it'd ruin shit with the rugby team and all that and his school woukd expel him. but he does it Anyway and the whole movie is basically about him rebelling against that and him getting his family to understand and him connecting more to other maori people and. Uuuggghhhhh

it made me think about My connection. because like josh i'm only part maori and my only full maori family member is gone and my mum is also disconnected from it neither of us know the language i don't know my maori family i've never been to my land. yet i still call myself maori and why the fuck is that? is it so i can feel special? is it so i don't have to call myself white? i can pass as white as well, thats something that affects it

i never feel Truly maori because i'm not connected to it and i don't look maori. i know that doesn't define it and i know that shouldn't make me feel less valid but it Does and i can't keep pretending it doesn't. my mum is on her journey to connection she's learning the language she's identifying as maori more one of the businesses she owns if centered around her being maori. but i don't feel like i can join her on her journey because. my relationship with her is hard i don't like her at all, the first chance i get i am Running. but also im scared to do that because im scared of Her

so now i'm completely fuckinf alone, with the knowledge that im half maori, a pounamu around my neck that makes me feel like a fuckinf fraud, like someone else shoukd be wearing it, and something inside me. there's something in here, something different. i feel it when im around other maori people, i feel it when im singing waiata, doing a haka, reciting my mihi, when im simply just Existing. i have (what many people have called it) my ancestors standing on my back, but no one to help me pull them down and talk to them

a few days ago i talked with my nana (the white one on my dads side) who i absolutely adore, and i asked her if my other nana (the maori one on my mums side) was political at all, because we were talking about the upcoming elections. she ended up telling me almost everything. everythint no one told me about her. things i don't even think i have the strength to repeat. the thing is, i couldn't ever imagine my mum telling me any of it.

it made me feel closer to my maori nana, but at the same time more disconnected than ever. i'm never gunna be able to talk to her about these issues, or anything like that. and that makes me feel even more alone.

for years i used to think, once i left home, id just tell people i was white, and leave my whakapapa behind. but i dont think i wanr to do that anymore

[pineapple-crow]

Alright, heres my rant for the night because I'm tired, cranky, and made the mistake of peeking at the #tradblr side of this hellscape.

I absolutely hate how the shitty alt right fascist conservative bullshit has permeated things that on face value are very much excellent.

Some examples, especially as they relate to me:

Pastel femininity - we're pretty familiar with this though I might be using the wrong term. It's all pastel colors (esp pink), pretty flowers, gold and marble, bows and ribbons, dresses, pretty hair, pretty makeup, and a soft cotton candy cloud aesthetic and shit that evoke the idea of a "soft," "gentle" feminine energy. I love that shit! I don't look like someone who does but I love this aesthetic so much. I think this aesthetic should be enjoyed by anyone regardless of their "usual" presentation or gender expression. AND YET you have these buffoons using it to push "tRaDiTiOnAl WoMaNhOoD" (that's often co-opted with cis whiteness and rejection of the idea that any gender, skin tone, or ethnicity can look gorgeous in pastel pink and roses). Which leads me to my next point...

Cottagecore - just like pastels, cottage core sparks joy in me and I also really love it's representation, especially when combined with the idea of being a homemaker (y'know in that near unobtainable fantasy where all bills are paid for and you can just make bread and weave yarn or whatever). Despite being the current breadwinner in my relationship, I also absolutely love the thought of staying in my own lil cottage and cleaning and doing house upkeep and just baking and shit. Vibing with nature and mindfulness. I DON'T love traditionalist religious nuts (mostly christians but, y'know) who use it to push tRaDiTiOnAl gender roles. No fuck you the moment that shit becomes forced, it's not fun anymore. Anybody should have the freedom to choose to be a homemaker, whether you're a wife/girlfriend, husband/boyfriend, spouse/partner, or That One Friend who has a knack for NOT accidentally making chloroform while cleaning the bathroom! Fuck traditional gender roles and forcing people to be pigeonholed into them without any choice! (And that's not even getting into how toxic it is when it comes to relationships, even hetero relationships! My husband and I realized he was taught how to be a husband (fix cars, fix the house, go to work for the entire day and drink beer/immediately unwind after getting home) but not how to be a partner (help with scheduling appointments, share a portion of the chores, do the chores without being told, other "" womanly"" tasks). That's terrible!)

Heathenry/paganism - SPEAKING OF RELIGION I hate hate hate that I have this constant concern of becoming involved/associated with/platforming white nationalists and Nazis. Fuck Nazis, fuck white nationalists, I have very violent thoughts about them. Heathenry in all its forms, to include Norse Heathenry, is open to all! Not to get too religious but the gods don't care where you or your family comes from! The gods don't care if you're able to stand outside for longer than 10 minutes without turning into a peeling lobster! To use the gods as a method of control or pushing your idiotic hate filled vitriol is to spit on Their image! To say the gods care about whether or not you have 0.01% German/Icelandic/Swiss heritage in your blood is a horribly restrictive box to put the gods in! Not to mention it ALSO gets used to push heteronormative gender roles! Get fucked! I hate that I have to be conscious of my presentation of my faith or else I'll be lumped in with half brain nitwits who smell like weeks old unwashed ass and think their pube face is on the same level as the viking warriors! Tho shit maybe it is who am I to know, fuck bro.

Let me make one point clear. I don't hate that I have to be mindful/critical of the information I absorb, and the actions/words I put out into the world to represent myself. That's okay! That's normal! That should be encouraged! What I DON'T like is the fact that Nazis made some shit up, slapped it on the face of paganism/Heathenry, and have made it so prominent that there is this CONSTANT concern of being lumped in with a group I Do Not Tolerate and, again, have Very Violent Thoughts towards.

Just...aakajsjdjfkgktkd there's so much more I could say on this but I'm really really tired. I didn't think I'd get this heated over it. Anyway I'll finish by saying tradwives/tradhusbands, white nationalists, homophobes, transphobes/TERFS, and Nazis can go shove a pineapple up their asses.