#many of these points would still apply if they were childhood friends

[boywifesammy]

trying to explain to people that it’s not even the incest that makes samdean so intriguing and captivating as a ship. like yes the incest is PART of it but it’s only One facet of their relationship. their psychotic codependency, shared trauma, para-psychic connection and unquestioning loyalty are all JUST as important as the incest.

[miss-hyoko]

your "Privileged One" fic is so cute!! i can't help but think though, what if the childhood friend is physically affectionate? 🤔 (would they blush, LOL)

"We're sorry for the wait, dear customer. Your order of [Let Me Hug You!] gado-gado is now served. Tuck in and savor every flavor. If there's anything else we can assist you with, please feel free to reach out."

Let Me Hug You!

Character(s): Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, and Malleus

Summary: His childhood friend is physically affectionate person

Tag(s) and warning(s): GN!Reader, pure fluff, platonic but can be read as romantic, reader is NOT Yuu, childhood friends, cute relationship between childhood friends, a hint of him having a crush on you if you squint

Note: Yay~ another childhood friends trope to deliver. Thank you for the amazing request, anon. I hope you like this. If there are any typos or grammar errors, please don't hesitate to let me know.

1. Riddle Rosehearts

The first time you tried to be physically affectionate with Riddle when you both were kids, he was very startled to the point he straight-out jumped away from you like a scared cat. With eyes wide open, it took little Riddle at least a minute to process what had just happened. And when everything finally clicked, a deep blush crept up his cheeks, tinting them a vibrant shade of red. Then, just like a defenseless maiden on the verge of being violated, Riddle screamed loudly while accusing you of being rude.

Although his words sounded harsh, we all know Riddle didn't mean any of it. He just didn't know how to respond because this whole affection thing is quite new to him. Theoretically, he knows what affection is. But practically? He had never experienced it. At least, until you entered his life. It was kind of awkward at first, but over time, Riddle would eventually get used to being on the receiving end of your affection.

After the two of you were successfully accepted into NRC, away from Riddle's mother's strict tutelage, you became even more open with your affection towards Riddle. And although Riddle often scolded you about how you should behave appropriately as a student of NRC, he was secretly pleased by the fact that now he could finally relish himself in your affections without needing to worry about his mother's opinion.

However, no matter how much he liked being showered by your attention, Riddle was still a bit against you being affectionate with him in public. Though, as long as it wasn't too intimate to the point of attracting people's attention, he didn't mind a little act of affection, such as: holding hands, hugging, and a quick kiss on the cheek. If later anyone was stupid enough to mention how red his face was, then Riddle would directly get their head beheaded with zero hesitation.

Among the many gestures of affection you gave him, Riddle liked your temple massage the best. The way your hands move gently on his tight muscles while applying the right pressure never fails to make him relax both his body and mind, releasing the pent-up tension from his body. Enjoying your touch, Riddle sometimes unconsciously falls asleep during the massage session, showing how comfortable he could be with you around him.

2. Leona Kingscholar

Ever since he was little, Leona never liked the idea of having any form of contact with other people, especially ones that included direct touch. So, whenever you try to be affectionate with him, an annoyed frown will make its way to his forehead as he continuously moves to avoid your hug attack with incredible agility. Only after you're too tired to move would Leona finally stop avoiding you and tell you to stop acting affectionately with him since it greatly disgusts him.

Despite saying that, Leona ultimately caved in and allowed you to do whatever you wanted because his heart had a soft spot for you. He told himself many times that he only tolerated your touchy-feely behavior because you're his childhood friend. However, he later became overly accustomed to it to the point he would find it strange if you didn't come to give him affection annoy him, even if only for a day.

In school, many NRC students often saw you hanging out with Leona. No one knows whether you're sticking to him or he's sticking to you, but one thing's for sure; Leona didn't like being disturbed when he was together with you. Those who dared to approach would surely be treated like an enemy by him. With eyes glaring daggers at them, he silently mouthed the words 'fuck off' as a warning to not take another step forward.

Leona never gave a fuck about other people's opinions of him; thus, he doesn't really mind if you're being affectionate with him in public. And even if he did complain, you don't need to take it seriously since it was probably just him being his usual cranky self. Another possible reason may be because Leona's aware of the numerous pairs of eyes focusing on you two, and he doesn't want you to be the subject of negative gossip. Well, even if there are indeed some bad rumors about you, you don't have to worry since he'll take care of it for you. Such a good friend he is, eh?

It's already common knowledge around the school that Leona often used his childhood friend as his personal pillow, so it's not really a surprise to know that his favorite form of affection is cuddling with you while sleeping. The warmth emanating from your body seeps into Leona's skin, reassuring him that you're still by his side. All the while, your steady heartbeat continues to be a constant reminder of your presence.

3. Azul Ashengrotto

The moment you first attempted to express your affection towards Azul with a hug during your childhood, he instantly froze in his place; mouth hung agape and his face flushed a deep shade of red. Worriedly, you tried to touch him to bring him back to reality, but he let out a sudden scream and swiftly swam away to hide in his octopus pot.

Azul is not a stranger to affection, all thanks to his mother who likes to pamper him with kisses. Even so, receiving it from someone outside the family was a brand-new experience for him. Initially, he won't stop fidgeting whenever you try to give him affection. But soon enough, he learned to relax and even reciprocate it, albeit awkwardly. Azul may not openly show it, but he loves the affection you give him and he looks forward to it every day.

Upon enrolling at NRC, Azul, with a heavy heart, had to reduce the frequency of being affectionate with you since he had a professional image to maintain, much to both your and his dismay. He had grown accustomed to being showered with your affection, and now he must stop receiving it? Azul bawled his eyes out in his heart.

Fortunately for him, you still continue to give him your affections every day like usual. Although not as often as before, because you also considered the persona he had worked so hard to create, Azul is still happy to have his daily dose of affection. If other people were nearby, Azul's cheeks would be heating up from embarrassment and he lightly reprimanded you to compose yourself. But who will take his words seriously when he makes little to no effort to push you away.

Surprisingly, Azul's favorite form of affection was when you touch his cheek; smoothing it, pinching it gently, or squeezing it. He loved the way your hand felt against his skin—warm and reassuring. It made him feel special, like he was the only one in your world. And to top it off, you always cooed sweet nothings whenever you did it, which could make Azul feel a bit bashful. But… as long as it's you, Azul won't fight back.

4. Kalim Al Asim

Ever since you were little, you had a unique habit of tackle hugging Kalim every time you two met each other. At first, Kalim was taken by surprise, but then he would quickly reciprocate the hug with an even tighter embrace while bursting into hearty laughter. If it weren't for someone eventually intervening and separating the two of you, there's no doubt that you and Kalim won't end the hug anytime soon.

Being a naturally affectionate person himself, Kalim always welcomed your displays of affection with open arms. In fact, he wholeheartedly encouraged you to express your affection as frequently as you pleased because he's more than ready to receive it with arms open wide.Growing up, the intimacy between the two of you has not diminished even a bit. Instead, it increased to the point that people often misunderstood the relationship between you and Kalim. Kalim himself doesn't find anything unusual about his interactions with you. After all, you and he are best friends, so isn't it natural for you to love each other?

Whenever and wherever, Kalim had no reservations about displaying his affection for you in public. If you happen to pass each other in the hallway and countless eyes are watching, Kalim will still rush to give you a warna hug and a quick peck on the cheek. With a gleam in his eyes, he would then present his cheek to you, hoping you would reciprocate the gesture.

Out of the many affections you have given him, the one Kalim loves the most is your embrace. No matter how often you hug him, Kalim will never get tired of it. Wrapping his two arms around your body, Kalim basks himself in the warmth and comfort of your embrace. For him, there existed no greater place than the sanctuary of your loving arms.

5. Vil Schoenheit

Besides the rosy hues that grace his cheeks, little Vil doesn't show any excessive reactions whenever you're physically affectionate with him. He simply reprimanded you for startling him and then telling you to let him know in advance so he won't be caught off guard next time. All in all, he doesn't mind if you want to be physically affectionate with him.

When he was younger, Vil adorned himself with only the lightest touch of makeup, so he had no problem with you touching or even kissing his face. If it were anyone else, Vil would surely not grant them such privilege. But because you're his childhood friend, you're the only exception.

As he grew older and began to wear makeup more often, Vil started prohibiting you from casually touching him like before. Hugging and holding hands is still tolerable, but touching or kissing his face is only allowed when he's not wearing makeup. Don't misunderstand; Vil still cherishes all the affection you give him, yet his job as a public figure demands him to appear perfect at all times. But don't worry, he's still your Vil Schoenheit in private.

Being both a model and an actor means that Vil's every move is watched by the media and the public eye. Therefore, he strongly forbids you from being affectionate with him in public. He doesn't care if there are negative rumors that may tarnish his reputation; instead, he's more concerned about your life being disturbed by his fans.

When the day is almost over, Vil usually allows you to play with his hair for a while before he starts his nightly routine. He likes feeling your fingers running through his locks, gently caressing them with utmost care. Vil wants to let you know that he's not that fragile, but at the end of the day, he chooses to remain silent and enjoy the affection you give him with a faint smile.

6. Idia Shroud

Whenever you try to get physically affectionate with little Idia, there are always four possible reactions he can give: he might let out a loud shriek, reflexively dodge you, become a stuttering mess, or even do all three in succession.

Let's be real; Idia wasn't a big fan of physical contact with other people. But since it's you, someone he holds dear along with Ortho, he's willing to make a little exception. It took him a while to get used to your touch, but now, when you try to be affectionate with him, he will only get slightly startled with a light blush spreading across his cheeks.

During your time at NRC, you can't be all touchy-feely with Idia as often as before because he rarely shows up in person, opting to send his tablet to fulfill his stead. That's why, every time school is over, you head straight to his room and cling to him like a koala. Although a little flustered, Idia doesn't shy away from your touch; he just asks you to move a bit so he can continue playing his game.

Idia strongly dislikes being affectionate in front of many people and being the center of attention. He'd much rather enjoy your company and affection in the privacy of his room. Plus, being stared at by many people while receiving your affection would distract him from fully savoring the moment.

Idia often tells himself that he's not the biggest fan of physical affection and that he's just getting used to you being touchy-feely. But when you lean against his side, resting your head on his shoulder, Idia will unconsciously lean back on you, savoring the warmth of your presence. At that moment, time seems to slow down as he feels the gentle rhythm of your breath and the comforting weight of your head against him. A small, genuine smile forms on his lips, as if your touch has unlocked his hidden vulnerability and he finds solace in your presence.

7. Malleus Draconia

When you first give little Malleus a physical affection in the form of a hug, he is taken aback for a few seconds before a small smile adorns his slightly blushing face. Without hesitating, Malleus would take your hand into his and ask you to repeat what you just did earlier, eyes sparkling with excitement as he waited for you to hug him again.

Being the crown prince of the Briar Valley, Malleus was both respected and feared, causing others to maintain a cautious distance from him. In the big palace he called home, Malleus always felt lonely all by himself. So when you entered his gloomy life and gave him the affection he had always craved, Malleus couldn't help but become attached to you. As a young fae, he was quite clingy back then, often asking you to hold his hand, hug him, and occasionally requesting a kiss on his cheek.

The NRC students, no matter how frequently they witnessed it, forever found themselves astounded when they caught sight of you randomly giving the legendary Malleus Draconia a surprise hug from behind. What made it even more remarkable was that Malleus himself didn't display any sign of displeasure. On the contrary, a gentle smile graced his lips as he playfully pinched your nose, revealing his enjoyment of your endearing acts. It was evident that he welcomed your playful gestures and had no intention of putting an end to them.

If you choose to shower Malleus with affection in the presence of others, rest assured that he will not harbor any anger or annoyance. Instead, a light chuckle would escape his lips as he let you do as you please. By demonstrating your affection for one another, Malleus believes it lets people know that you and him have a very good relationship that was built on a strong foundation of trust and affection.

It's not wrong to say that Malleus enjoys holding hands with you wherever you both go, but if he had to choose, Malleus prefers it more when you play with his hands. Whether it's comparing the size of your hands, tracing the lines on his palm, or simply interlocking your fingers together. Through these seemingly simple gestures, Malleus discovers an unparalleled sense of happiness. Each touch, each moment of connection, carries a profound significance for him, serving as a testament to the depth of your bond together.

[wutheringskies]

List: Wei Ying's Attitude Towards Lan Zhan (Pt 1)

Cloud Recesses Arc (Chronological)

1. First Impression: Lan Zhan is very, very pretty with a stern expression on his face, as if he's in mourning. Learning of his reputation, learning that he's well-spoken, smart and academically an ace.

2. Their dynamic forms: Wei Wuxian is annoyed by how Lan Wangji treats him, how he appears to be an immovable polished piece of jade and wishes to break through his composure by annoying him - he wants to be treated specially.

3. Respecting Lan Zhan's talents and genuine desire for friendship: Learning that Lan Zhan's reputation isn't fake. Despite being so young, he can carry three people onto his sword, think logically, and help people. Secondly, Wei Wuxian respects his integrity as Lan Zhan punishes himself as well for breaking the rules, despite the gap in their status. He wishes to become closer to Lan Wangji as they share similar values.

4. The first tones of romance: Wei Wuxian has always been interested in seeing how Lan Wangji would be as a romantic partner, thus baiting him with porn and "girls in Yunmeng." As Wei Wuxian hangs out with his friends, he sees Lan Wangji alone and wants to give him friends as well - the kind that Lan Wangji will like - so, he gives him two rabbits, which were in a compromising position and turned out to be both male. Secondly, he is very interested in Lan An's story as this is a new context to be applied to Lan Wangji.

Pre-Sunshot Campaign

1. Lan Wangji as his maiden: Wei Wuxian unknowingly always puts Lan Wangji into the place of a "maiden" - what I mean by this is that, when the girls chase after him in Yunmeng, he sighs and thinks of Lan Wangji. When he sees Lan Wangji's forehead ribbons, he thinks of pulling a girl's ponytails and tugs it. Thus, he has moved on from baiting Lan Zhan with girls to see how he would be in a romantic context to placing Lan Zhan as the maiden in a heterosexual context.

2. Stage of Denial: As Wei Wuxian's feelings for Lan Wangji keep surging subconsciously, yet he keeps facing with one rejection after the other, a proud man as him enters the stage of denial. Here, he constantly lies to himself, gives excuses for his actions, hides his thoughts and reframes events - aka, he gaslights himself.

• We know he has been thinking of Lan Zhan well after studying in Gusu (he studied for 3 months, Jiang Cheng studied for a year. In the lotus pod extra he's still talking about Lan Zhan and it's a common occurrence, so at least until 9 months later, he's still talking about him) yet he says in Qishan Archery Competition that he has forgotten about him. Secondly, he says he doesn't recognize Lan Wangji, yet he mentions that his fingers look suited to playing the guqin, thus he already recognizes this handsome man and his emotions surge, yet he calms himself down by framing his thoughts to make himself seem less attached.

• This behavior continues throughout the Qishan Wen Indoctrination. He went to Mianmian's side to get the perfume pouch after he heard it had medicinal herbs, and Lan Zhan's leg was injured. Yet Lan Zhan gets jealous and refuses his help, Wei Wuxian later takes a jab at his broken leg when he's bejng supported by Jiang Cheng - upset that he was refused once more.

• At this point, 2 years after meeting Lan Zhan, Wei Wuxian is giving up on his thoughts of them becoming friends, even petulantly whining to Lan Zhan, that "why do you not like me???"

• He shoves all of his feelings down, and accepts that he needs to give Lan Zhan more space.

• Yet even after the Xuanwu Cave, we can see that though he wished to give Lan Zhan more space, he continued to ask questions after question about him to Jiang Cheng.

Sunshot Campaign

1. Takes a Hint: Now, Wei Wuxian is no longer a child. He has been through too many things, has too many responsibilities to worry about his "childhood ambition" of becoming friends with Lan Zhan. After his return, the first thing they do is have a fight - to Wei Wuxian's point of view, it is that, after each of his attempts to become closer have been squashed, now finally they're fighting - aka, they are on opposite sides. Thus, Lan Wangji suddenly turning 180 degrees back by wanting to take him back to Gusu registers as a "punishment." He simply can't even imagine a context where Lan Zhan likes him. Thus, this stage, I call - Wei Wuxian takes a hint (the wrong one.)

2. Confusion and Hurt: Wei Wuxian is already suffering through major identity crisis and plenty of trauma. In such a setting, he cannot evaluate Lan Wangjj's actions and arguments with him as "concern, care or worry." He cannot think of his opinions over digging graves etc as "righteous." Lan Wangji is "against him." Wei Wuxian suppresses his feelings well, and has moved on from wanting to be friends. Yet he does not agree with those who call them enemies - refusing to take Lan Zhan's behavior towards him as "hate."

Post-Sunshot Campaign

1. Hiding all his weaknesses: Now, Sunshot Campaign is over and Wei Wuxian is very aware that he's going to be hated by everyone sooner or later. He's scared and he doesn't know what to do, where he stands, and also regrets some of what he has done. He is without any backing, without any support - he covers up his vulnerability by standing up too tall, by talking arrogantly, by pretending that he's so strong - in his act, he doesn't notice Lan Zhan subtly moving towards him (metaphorically and literally), and walks past him, leaving him behind.

2. Shifting of Dynamic, Rekindling Hope and Extreme Fear and Vulnerability: Now that for the first time in years, that Wei Wuxian has time to breathe and momentarily, no immediate responsibilities or distractions his feeling surge again. He is still in denial about his feelings, but now the amount of gaslighting he does is truly remarkable. Firstly, he wished to place Lan Zhan in a romantic context (whether or not it included him), secondly he imagined Lan Zhan as a maiden for HIM, now thirdly, he is placing himself into the spot of "the maiden"

-> Throwing flowers at Lan Zhan along with other girls

-> Conveniently making the remark that of course, he doesn't imagine that Lan Zhan will ever take the initiative and kiss someone (aka, he wishes Lan Zhan will take initiative because he's put himself out there for so long, and he is tired.)

Now, Wei Wuxian's feelings towards Lan Zhan are very much real, the minor crush growing into something more - like a flower bud that wants to be watered to bloom. But since it isn't welcomed, he forces them back into his heart:

1. Admitting he finds Lan Zhan handsome - admitting some degree of physical attraction and admiration by throwing a flower at him.

2. Asking for his headband knowing it is somehow symbolic (something important to him, a privelege). Subconsciously playing Wangxian, and then finally getting kissed. For some reason, he FAILS to mention Lan Zhan's signature scent of sandalwood despite his senses being so keen. Why? In my opinion - it's him suppressing that thought. He knows the maiden is remarkably strong, he has an inkling that it is HIM so, he allows the kiss to go on, excusing it with the excuse that "how embarrassed the maiden will be once he sees her." After all, even when Lan Zhan asks him much later "you didn't know whom the person was so why didn't you resist, and then why did you tell me this?" Wei Wuxian doesn't answer him, but instead laughs at him for being jealous. In truth, I feel, this is another one of Wei Wuxian's deflections.

He knows admitting that he smelt the sandalwood would make it impossible for him to not relate to Lan Zhan. He knows only Lan Zhan was in the vicinity. He knows only Lan Zhan has showed any significant connection to him - someone like Wei Wuxian would definitely know if a girl liked him. But he can't read Lan Zhan. He also knows Lan Zhan is conveniently acting different than usual - yet, he doesn't probe too much, which is uncharacteristic of him. Not to mention, Lan Zhan is showing significant negative emotion towards him - asking him to go away. Wei Wuxian subtly sneaks in one of the doubts he's carried for three years now, "do you hate me?" But it's unanswered. Wei Wuxian is afraid and he's feeling self conscious again, eyes tearing up, so what does he do?

Act pretentious.

"Of course, I've a lot of experience. Even if it was you, it doesn't matter, haha. This isn't special to me. You aren't making me feel anything special. You aren't making me weak. You aren't hurting me."

After this, he is relieved. He has hid well. His feeling are hidden perfectly. To confirm, he even asks Lan Zhan og he's ever kissed, etc. Lan Zhan doesn't say yes or no, but Wei Wuxian has convinced himself that it wouldn't have been Lan Zhan. He makes up an imaginary maiden who kissed him. He says he never tried to find her to not embarass her. After he is sure it wasn't Lan Zhan, he is not interested in finding out who kissed him.

Successfully gaslighted □

The next incident is at Yunmeng, and it's by far the most obvious thing Wei Wuxian has done to show his feelings towards Lan Wangji. He casually admits that Lan Zhan is very handsome, and bestows plenty of flowers of all meanings upon him.

But the most important is the peony. Wei Wuxian reaches out towards Lan Wangji all the time. Each time, he's a bit more hurt, a bit more scared, a bit more vulnerable. So, this time, he's giving Lan Wangji and his surging feelings a chance - either Lan Wangji takes it and he allows his feelings to surge, or Lan Wangji doesn't take it and he swallows all his feelings back inside, rewrites the whole narrative and moves on with his life.

Thus, he throws out a flower that can either mean "a confession" or a separation.

He doesn't expect Lan Wangji to come up the inn. He expects it to be a separation. But he does come up - yet what follows is an argument, their last one. From Lan Wangji's point of view, it is also last time he asks Wei Wuxian to come to Gusu with him - to walk the same path moving forward, a last offer of protection. In a way both of them are confessing, yet they don't know.

When they part on dubious terms, Wei Wuxian doesn't know what to do - Lan Wangji DID come up, he did talk to him - that is not indifference or hate. It does not guarantee separation. Wei Wuxian just takes it as concern, without any confirmation from Lan Wangji himself.

Now, Wei Wuxian goes back to Lotus Pier in a dark mood. He says he met someone who wanted to lock him up - in a way, it must be addressed that Wei Wuxian's feelings are like chains for him. They don't liberate him. He needs to constantly suppress them. Jiang Cheng remarks it must have been Wei Wuxian who called out to Lan Wangji. Wei Wuxian comments that he himself is ridiculous. He is frustrated over his feelings, unable to understand why he is placing himself into a position like this, why he has hopes only for them to be crushed again and again, yet unable to actually realize anything as he hasn't admitted it all to himself yet. Later, they talk about Yanli and Zixuan, and Wei Wuxian finds himself the perfect cover to talk to his shijie. He asks why people like one another - why does he have to feel so scared and afraid and vulnerable - and tells himself he's asking on part of his shijie. He convinces himself that he won't ever like anyone that much, thus once again - suppressing his feelings.

Later, at Koi Tower, he drinks from Lan Wangji's cup, unable to see him be disrespected and presents his case to the banquet. He ends up having to threaten everyone. Wei Wuxian HAS to make himself into something he is not. He's unafraid. At least that is what he wants to think.

Wei Wuxian glanced over at him (Lan Wangji). In those eyes, light as cat’s eye chrysoberyl, he saw his own near-hideous reflection.

This is how he truly feels - not just about himself (my boy literally has to carry a fake persona and be so strong and so alone for YEARS) but also how he perceives Lan Wangji's attitude towards him, and it stings him, but luckily he has more things to do than worry about how Lan Zhan feels about him.

YiLing Laozu

1. A ray of hope, separation and acceptance: Few weeks in the Burial Mounds has matured Wei Wuxian. He is naturally someone who works better when there is a goal, when there are people depending onto him. He has made his decision to walk his chosen path to its bitter end. Far away from the public's eyes, with his fear of being hated and ostracized, realized, now it is like he has little to lose, so he tries to make the best of it. When Lan Zhan visits YiLing, Wei Wuxian doesn't throw any curveballs to him. He doesn't ask too much, doesn't hope for anything, doesn't play around. Just enjoys some company time with him. Even when Lan Zhan brings up their persistent issues and pushes back them into the sphere of reality, Wei Wuxian deflects and only then shows some of his frustration. Yet, when Lan Zhan leaves, he chases after him to bid him goodbye. He tells him of his chosen path, asks him to form his own opinions about things, shows some trust in his integrity. They eventually go their own ways, the mood sombre. This time Wei Wuxian accepts that they aren't meant to be friends, but does say that they aren't enemies. Just people meant to walk separate paths. Thus, his feelings are no longer useful to him. They can't lead towards anything. He accepts it.

2. Extreme, Extreme Hurt: Acceptance doesn't mean it does not hurt. Just how long has Wei Wuxian suppressed his feelings? Just how long has he swallowed every hurt, every rejection? Just how many times has he called out first? Just how many times had he waited? When Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji stand on different sides in Nightless City with their weapons pointed at each other, Wei Wuxian finally "terms" Lan Wangji's attitude towards him: I knew from the start that we would have a real fight like this one, sooner or later. You've always found me disagreeable, no matter what.

"Wei WuXian had already lost his judgement. He was already half-mad, half-unconscious. All evil was being augmented by him. He felt that everyone loathed him and he loathed everyone as well. He wouldn’t be scared no matter who came at him. It wouldn’t matter no matter who came at him. It was all the same anyway."

He'd been scared, vulnerable and weak for so long, masking it with a layer of arrogance and humor. Yet now he simply can't do it any longer and his fears spill out, the darker thoughts he'd suppressed. He's like a child crying, saying it won't matter whatever his feelings were, he'd hurt them all. He was done of being hurt and scared, of hiding, of being treated like the problem. Note, that he has always wanted to be Lan Wangji's friend, always stated that they weren't enemies even when everyone around him laughed at his audacity. Now, he is done harboring hopes. He is ready to spill out all those things he's been holding back, all the fears he held.

Yet later, Lan Wangji is the one who helps him, hides him away, talks to him softly. If any part of Wei Wuxian was conscious, he'd have felt utter and complete exhaustion. "Get lost." As in, he is done. He doesn't wish for Lan Wangji to owe anything to him. He doesn't wish to change his perspectives once again. He has lost all hope, all will. He doesn't want to deal with it anymore. He can't leave by himself, he can't pretend otherwise, he can't make excuses, he can't hide in the face of Lan Wangji's action - so he can only drive him away.

Conclusion

If Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji ever had a few years of peace after they hit the age of eighteen, they would've figured their feelings out. Yet, everytime something is about to come out of their relationship, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji go through a major ordeal that pushes them back to base zero. In their first life, their relationship ends on a tragedy.

Lan Wangji's full-grown tree of his feelings doesn't get to provide Wei Ying with its shade, left forever alone until the tree eventually dies. Meanwhile, Wei Ying's sprouts never get the water it needs to grow spontaneously.

One can't fall in love as deeply as Wei Ying is with Lan Zhan after his revival in just three months. Thus, I hope this post made it easier to see just how deep his feelings ran. I will write a follow-up post about his attitude towards Lan Zhan in his second life!

Do let me know your thoughts as well.

[kxlitz]

★ Dating 2023!Bill Kaulitz ★ (Fluff overload)

AN: Oh boy, I never thought I’d actually post some of my hcs, let’s see how this goes. I’m typing this half-asleep on my phone so I apologize for any grammatical or technical mistake, please let me know if anything!!

Let’s start with setting something straight, Bill does not fall for someone easily nor does he like to sleep around, as he’s said himself. If he’s actually decided on dating you it is a synonym for “I can see an entire future with you and I have probably thought of marriage plans”

No matter how you guys met; whether it was through mutual friends, by chance or were childhood friends, it would take you weeks, months or even years of forming a strong bond before even considering the first date.

Bill has said many times that he believes in love at first sight and probably still does, but fame and people have definitely left him with some major trust issues.

Won’t give you a house key or ask you to move in till he’s completely certain that you’re fully trust-worhy, but he loves having you over with him.

Now that you guys are together, he is the sweetest person on earth, will worship you like you’re a divine creature that landed on earth. He would worship the ground you walk on if he could.

Never-ending honeymoon stage kind of relationship not going to lie-

Will take you out to theme parks, rent out movie theatres, take you on hikes and long walks on a deserted beach.

Don’t be surprised if you ever wake up to a screaming Bill, all hyped because he decided that you’re spending your weekend at Disney.

He is so cheesy but it’s so sweet to see. He’s at a point in his life that he just wants to love and be loved. Kisses on the cheek, opening doors for you, pushing your chair at restaurants. He’s a gentleman.

Till it applies to his fashion. You ARE doomed to help him out of his outfit when he decides to be a bit more daring. Just like he does with Georg and Tom he will do it with you. “y/n you know the drill. When my assistant is not around you’re my assistant now help me out of these shoes”

Speaking of shoes, he is almost 2 meters (and sometimes more) when he wears his platforms and he absolutely loves towering over you. Bill loves to see you reach for a kiss. He will also walk behind you and ruffle your hair to annoy you.

This man is so whipped. He can gush about you for hours on end in interviews, his socials or his podcast.

He would also expose you a lot on Kaulitz Hills because that’s what he does.

He loves physical touch. When you’re walking in downtown LA he will always have an arm wrapped around your shoulders or waist, holding your hand or linking your pinkies.

He has the sneakiest of hands, it’s even worse than Tom. Bill always finds a way to have hand under your shirt or skirt if you happen to wear them. He can’t help it, he loves to feel your skin on his hands.

Back Hugs !!!

You will become his muse. He loves to dress you up however he pleases, you just look so good in everything! Bill will spend so much cash on designer sets to match with you. Only the best for his beloved.

He mostly calls you by your name in public but behind closed doors he would address you by the sweetest names like “My love, Darling/liebling, Pumpkin”

You guys are always out to eat

And at coffee shops

You’re each other’s personal photographers. Plus he absolutely adores to show you off on his instagram

I can see him as the type to start a vlogging channel just to show off how in love and happy he is with you.

Prepare yourself mentally to be woken up early to walk the dogs and drink sour green juice. Bill used to be a tremendous sleeper when he was young but those days are way behind.

When you wake up together, it is the best. He tends to wake up first and will stay in bed just admiring how beautiful you are. Tracing your features with his fingers. He wants to memorize every inch of your skin.

If you take too long though, he will get up and go prepare breakfast. Yes it includes celery juice.

You guys are always hanging with Tom & Heidi! You get into the craziest adventures

Heidi would love you so much, so would her kids. You and Bill are the cool relatives.

[lnlightning81]

Deserve [PG10]

Summary : Your ex is in the paddock and a bad race leads Pierre to worrying about how good he is for you

Pairing/s: Pierre Gasly x Reader, Joe Burrow x ex!reader

Word Count: 1.2K

Masterlist

Pierre Gasly Masterlist

Coming Soon

Taglist

Request

A/N: This has been sitting just needing an ending for ages. I also just graduated and had prom. I'm still recovering from my prom.

The Miami paddock was obviously your favourite paddock to be in as it was your home country but also the closest Grand Prix to your home state. Typically, the Miami paddock was full of influencers or random celebrities that knew nothing about Formula One. 

Many years ago, you would have been seen as one of those random influencers, except it was so far from the truth. Your family history always included mechanics from your great grandfather all the way to your father and siblings. While your brothers decided to become mechanics for normal everyday cars, you went to university getting a degree in mechanics before following in your fathers footsteps and working for a Formula One team. 

Alpine had welcomed you with open arms when you applied for the job after one of Pierre’s engineers had decided it was time to leave the role and spend more time with his family. Taking the role of Engine Engineer was not something you had ever seen yourself doing, but now you were doing it. It was something you never wanted to stop doing. 

You had started working with Alpine keeping your distance from everyone but Pierre wouldn’t stop trying to get to know you so after becoming good friends you told him about the relationship you were currently in after meeting your boyfriend -Joe Burrow- as a child where after many years of hiding the relationship and not talking about your feelings it eventually happened. 

Except maybe dating your best friend and childhood friend isn’t the best thing you could ever do. The relationship wasn’t one you ever thought you’d be in. The feelings that were there to start with slowly just started to disappear, and after letting Pierre into this side of your life, he vowed that he’d never let anyone hurt you again. 

After finally giving into Pierre’s attempts to go on a date with him, you finally gave in, and now, a year later, you were in Miami for the Grand Prix. Walking through the paddock on the day of Sprint and Quali, you were far too focused on talking to another mechanic to realise that Joe was standing in the paddock. Talking about the car as you walked into the garage. 

Noticing Travis Kelcee in the garage, you smiled over before turning to Pierre and the car. Obviously, it was well known that Travis would be within the Alpine garage due to him having stakes in it. You never thought about Joe being there as well after avoiding him since the breakup. 

“Hey mon amore” Pierre smiled, pressing a kiss to your cheek as you stood next to him. 

“Hi love” You smiled, grabbing your ipad from the desk before walking over to get your headphones. Placing the radio pack in your pocket as you walked back over to the car. Talking with Pierre about the things your team was planning to change before the sprint race, making sure he agreed with the plans before setting up the team on the plan. 

About ten minutes later, Pierre joined you in supervising the team, handing you a cup of coffee with a smile as you turned to look at him 

“So you’ll never guess who I just saw walking about” He hummed, taking a drink of his water as you fully turned to face him 

“If I’ll never guess you might as well, just tell me” You shrugged, taking a drink of the coffee as you looked up at him 

“I’d rather make you guess” He shrugged, and you gave him a pointed look 

“Just tell me Pierre” you huffed, rolling your eyes as his own eyes glanced across the garage in the direction of Travis 

“Joe” He whispered, and you frowned, looking at him 

“Joe who?” You asked with a shrug as you listened into what a mechanic was saying at the same time 

“Your ex” He finished, and you looked up at him 

“He’s here? In the paddock?” You questioned, and he nodded. Quickly glancing around to make sure he wasn’t in the garage, you let out a breath when you realised he wasn’t. 

Pierre had gone out to race not long after that conversation and unfortunately due to an error with his car he had to retire only half way through the race when a tyre wasn’t put on the car correctly. He was annoyed more than anything because he was sitting within the top ten until that error. 

Storming off to his drivers room after he got out of the car, you looked over at the rest of his team, who just sighed and sat back down in their seats. You gave him a couple of moments alone before following him to the drivers room. 

Knocking on the door, not wanting to barge in, you could hear him shuffling about inside the room just waiting for some acknowledgement before walking in, but there was no acknowledgement. 

“Love? Please let me in” You sighed 

“It’s open” His muffled voice came through the door, and you walked in with a sigh. Seeing him sat on the couch with his head in his hands. You sighed, sitting down next to him and wrapping your arms around his shoulders, pulling him into your chest. 

“You don’t deserve me. You should just go back to Joe. He’s one of the best players. He’s currently one of the best-looking athletes. He can actually do his job properly. He’s just a better person than I am, and you don’t deserve to be stuck with me, and I get it if you want to go back to him because if I were you. I would” You frowned, pulling his hands away from his face 

“Pierre what?” You asked now really confused as you held his hands in your own 

“Just let me know” You tilted your head to look at him better 

“Baby. I’m not leaving you for Joe. I left him and got you. Why would I change that? You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, not him. We weren’t in love but me and you. We are, and I wouldn’t change that for the world because you’re the one that I love. I wouldn’t want it to be anyone else beside me” You pressed a kiss to the knuckles of his hands gently wiping his tears away

“I don’t deserve you” He shook his head, and you sighed 

“I don’t deserve you, love. You’re so kind and caring, and I hate to see you put yourself down for something that you couldn’t help. That wasn’t your fault. That was the mechanics, and I love them, I do, but there was nothing you could have done to stop that retirement” You pressed a kiss to his cheek just wanting to shower him in love. 

“You’re doing the best that you ever could in that car. As your engineer I get to say it’s a shit car and you’re pushing that car to its limits but if you’re not happy here maybe you need to start thinking about the fact silly season is coming up and there’s so many open spaces” You pushed his hair back as he nodded 

“Yeah I guess” He sighed 

“Baby. You’re so kind and caring, and I know you. I know who you are as a person. You as a person are what matters to me, not you as a driver, because I love you as the human being, not as anything else. I love you baby” You gently pressed your hand against his cheek as you gently caressed his cheek. 

“I love you too”

@barcelonaloverf1life

@hiireadstuff

@mxdi0

@f1kenzzz

@evie-119

@ahgase99

@thegrapejuiceblues1982

@zabwlky1999

@callsignwidow

[runningfrom2am]

Reader’s childhood friend gets dumped by Rafe, and then when the reader moves to town, they get back at Rafe, by breaking his heart.

thank you for this request ahhh i'm obsessed! (I've never seen john tucker must die but i hope this is along the right lines of what we were after lol.) i feel so bad ab hurting him :'(

anyway happy halloween guys!! i hope everyone has so much fun :))

rafe cameron must die - r.c.

pairing: rafe x fem!reader

wc: 3k

tags/warnings: toxic af reader, cheating, manipulation, swearing, read at your own discretion (but nothing else really that deep).

requests (currently closed- feel free to send whatever but it will be a while before I get to them!)

nav/masterlists

After your best friend showed up on your doorstep in New York with tears in her eyes and her favourite pillow under her arm, you knew you had to do something.

She had lived in New York most of her life, having only left you a few years before to move down to the Outer Banks with her family. You missed her dearly, but you hardly went a day without talking or a holiday without her coming home- that is, until she starting dating Rafe Cameron.

Over the last year your friend had fallen off your radar, not for a lack of you trying. But with her crying with her head in your lap, she confessed that she never meant to hurt you, but it was Rafe who had insisted that she didn't need her connections back home, and would roll his eyes when she mentioned anyone he didn't know personally. This got to the point where she just stopped, and made the mistake of listening to him when he drilled into her that you didn't even care if you couldn't be bothered to come visit. Luckily for you, while manipulative and abusive, Rafe also was careless- and your best friend told you he never even bothered to remember your name.

You dried her tears after days, shedding a fair few yourself upon hearing about how your friend's ex had treated her and how he broke up with her over text after no-call, no-showing their one-year anniversary date. You couldn't take it. You had to fix this somehow.

You had always been one for silent, secret revenge. Like spreading rumours about people who had done you wrong and never laying claim to the story, homie-hopping the friend group of a boy who refused to give you the respect of labeling your relationship, or even taking the liberty of sleeping with all of another girls ex-boyfriend's if she had given you one too many dirty looks. They didn't have to know about it in order for you to maintain your confidence- you knew what you did, and that was enough. This time, though, it wasn't you they had hurt. It was your best friend, the purest, kindest of souls who couldn't hurt a fly if you handed her the swatter and somehow held it still.

Rafe Cameron had to know the mistake he made by treating the wrong girl the wrong way, and you would make sure that he would. As you got off the ferry in Kildare with a suitcase in your hand, your mind was already reeling with every last thing you could do to him to make him feel what your best friend did- to hurt him the way he deserved. Rafe Cameron must die.

After scrubbing your social media's of any evidence of each other, your friend gave you the name of the country club he frequented. You had been quick to apply for every job they had open, and you landed one as a cart girl- it was perfect. You couldn't be more pleased with the position, you got to drive around on a drink cart in whatever short skirt you pleased, serving drinks and snacks to rich men who tipped generously and to most importantly, Rafe Cameron.

He had been intrigued from the first time he laid eyes on you. You were pretty, and seemingly so nice, and better yet; you were new in town. To him, you didn't know anything of him and his reputation, his drug habit, or his family name. He didn't know that you knew it all.

"Good morning Mr. Cameron." You smile, pulling up next to his tee-off point and quickly but casually stepping out of the cart. "Your usual today?"

"Come on, you can call me Rafe. My dad is 'Mr. Cameron'." Rafe chuckles, shaking his head at you and already digging for his wallet.

"That he is." You agree with a slight laugh, digging through your cooler to grab his favourite brand of beer and a shot. "First one is on me." You insist, holding the shot out for him as he looks up from where he was shuffling through the bills in his wallet.

"What's the occasion?" Rafe chuckles, furrowing his brow as he grabs the small glass from you.

"I don't know, it's always a good day when my favourite client is in early." You shrug, painting an innocent smile on your face.

"I'm your favourite, huh?" He smirks, accentuating the statement by taking the shot as you crack open his beer and hold it out to him to chase with.

"Of course you are." You hum, watching him as he trades the shot glass for the can in your hand.

"Well, that's funny, actually, because you're my favourite cart girl." Rafe smiles at you, and you return it, looking down and brushing your hair back out of your face.

"That's real sweet, thank you." You blush, fighting back the urge to scowl at how honestly fake he is. He's not this nice person he pretends to be- but he doesn't know that you aren't either. How long could the two of you play this game before one of you shows your cards? You're hoping that you get the chance to go first.

"You're welcome." Rafe smirks, nodding at you, reaching for his wallet again. God- he is so obnoxious you could vomit. "Here, this is a tip then if the drinks are free." He hands you a fifty, and you once again resist the urge to roll your eyes.

"Oh, wow, thank you." You smile sheepishly, taking it from him and tucking the bill into your bra.

"Don't worry about it." He smiles, leaning on his club as he watches you go to get back in the cart. "Hey, Y/N?"

Bingo.

You turn and put that smile back on, humming and tilting your head at him expectantly.

"Want to grab drinks after your shift? I know this great country club with a really cool bar."

Of course he wants to take you out to the club you work at- and to think that's funny, too? What a joke.

"Yeah! I would like that." You nod with a smile.

Your first few dates went... swimmingly. Perfectly to plan, anyway. Rafe would always pay, and you would always act a little nervous. You would wear sundresses- your friend said they were his favourite, and you played into his interests. You made a strong impression that you were one to be easily manipulated, and he was falling for it. Hard.

You were walking down the beach, hand in hand, taking the time to look at the beautiful view of the ocean while the boy next to you watched you intently, as if you were the only girl in the world. Right now, to him, you were. "Hey, Y/N, so I was thinking..."

"Oh, were you?" You tease, giggling as you raise an eyebrow at him.

"Yeah, I was," Rafe chuckles, gently swinging your hand. "I was thinking that maybe I'd like you to be my girlfriend, a more official thing. If you want, of course."

"Really?" You smile, chewing your bottom lip as you look up at him.

"Yeah, of course. You're really cool, and kind, and so beautiful, and I was just hoping you were feeling the same way I was." It was sweet, you can see how he roped in your friend so effortlessly.

"Aw, well, yes, I would love that, Rafe."

When you got back to your apartment that night, you were quick to text your friend and tell her he was all in. The plan was working out beautifully, and while she felt guilty, you reassured her that karma was on your side- and it would be the only justice he ever would face.

You spent the following month as Rafe's dream girl. Within three weeks of him asking you to be his girlfriend, he had told you he loved you over a shared bottle of wine on his yacht. You would be lying if you said you didn't enjoy this new lifestyle he was giving you, but you were much more excited by the idea of all of this blowing up in his face. You had considered the route of revenge porn, even going so far as to save some illicit pictures of him that you asked for, but even for you, that feels too far.

Safe to say, though, it's only a matter of a few months before he's all in, and you're all in with his friends, and thankfully, his family. He didn't get on with his sister, which worked out for you considering that her boyfriend, John B, was a pogue- and your overly possessive boyfriend had a wonderfully convenient distaste for pogues.

"Sarah! How are you? I didn't expect to see you here!" You smile, walking up to her and immediately pulling her in for a hug.

"Uh, at a boneyard party?" Sarah chuckles, hugging you back and looking over your shoulder at her friends, sharing a confused look with them.

"Well, yeah. I guess you're right." You giggle, pulling away and looking around at her friends. "These must be your friends! I've heard so much about you guys."

"Uh, yeah, everyone, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is John B, Kie, Pope, and JJ." She introduces you and you smile politely, giving them a small wave. "Y/N is Rafe's girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you." Pope says, but it sounds more like a question. It would be suspicious that Rafe's girlfriend would want anything to do with pogues.

"I just moved here a few months ago. I'm still trying to make friends and stuff." You shrug. "Really I've heard only good things about you guys."

Kie scoffs at this, bringing her cup up to her lips and shaking her head.

"What?" You giggle, furrowing your brow.

"As if Rafe would have anything nice to say about us." JJ agrees with his friend.

"Well, Rafe is... you know. Rafe."

"You could say that." John B says sarcastically and Sarah hits his shoulder.

"He's just... Actually, never mind. I shouldn't say that." You laugh it off, hoping one of them will take the bait.

They all look at each other, and a silent interaction takes place that you hope you're reading correctly. "Hey, can I grab you another drink?" JJ offers after a moment.

You nod and smile. "Yeah! Sounds good, I'm not drunk enough to be getting these shoes dirty like this. I still feel guilty about it." You laugh.

"Alright then! Tell me- have you ever done a shotgun before?"

The night progresses just as planned, with you getting sloppy drunk. Or, outwardly, sloppy drunk. You'd "accidentally" spilled over half of your drinks, gravitating closer and closer to JJ. He was cute anyways, and funny, and who were you to deny yourself the pleasure of being around someone you actually liked after months of faking it with Rafe?

You fire off a text to him, asking him to "pretty please" come pick you up from this party, and he replies within a minute promising he'd be there soon, and, the icing on the cake, that he loved you.

Now was most definitely the right time to get this whole thing over with.

"So, you were saying earlier about Rafe..." John B asks, leaning on Sarah's shoulder as she nudges him, shooting him a look that says 'don't be too obvious'.

"Oh! Well like I said, I probably shouldn't say..." You giggle, leaning into JJ's side more as he slots his arm around your waist to steady you.

"C'mon, Y/N/N, you can tell us. We won't tell a soul." JJ promises, squeezing you gently.

"Okay, well, In that case, he's kind of... weird, I guess? When we're alone he's just so clingy and whiney and kind of annoying." You slur out, giggling and covering your face. "I mean, I love him, but like, it's a lot."

You watch as their faces collectively light up, John B and JJ trying their best not to laugh. "And! And, you seriously can't tell anyone I told you this..." You cut them off, shaking your head and pretending to stumble a bit. "It's like... quite small. Honestly, I feel bad for him. The sex is so bad."

You laugh as everyone else does, already knowing you've lit the fire for a rumour to spread. Not that it was entirely true, but you figured it was a nice touch. Something for him to remember you by after you're back in New York and he's still fighting off the small dick allegations.

"That's... yeah that sucks." JJ laughs, running his hand down your back. "I have to tell you, though, no one's ever said that about me." He whispers the last part to you so no one else could hear, but you're sure they got the general idea.

You hum, taking another sip from your can as you turn in his arm. "Come with me to grab another drink?" You whisper back and he nods.

"Guys! We'll be back, just going to grab another drink." JJ explains, already leading you off.

"Don't tell anyone what I said about Rafe!" You laugh, pointing at them as you walk away, sure to be loud enough to draw looks from other kids scattered around.

"Come on, this way." You grab his hand and lead him away from where you stashed your drinks, up toward the road.

"Don't you want your drink?" JJ asks, confused as you turn to face him, shaking your can to demonstrate that it's still almost entirely full.

JJ chuckles, shaking his head. "What about your boyfriend?"

"What about him?" You say, stopping next to a tree, chewing on your lip as you look up at the boy in front of you.

"Nothing." JJ says quietly, shaking his head as you lean in, catching headlights approaching in your peripheral vision.

You pull JJ closer to you, his lips pressed to yours and you tangle your fingers in his hair as the lights get closer, brighter.

Rafe makes his way down the road, repeatedly trying to call you. No answer after your text, but he just sums it up to you being too drunk to make out what's on the screen. He loves it when you're drunk, you're giggly, and fun, and more relaxed than normal. It's not a side of you he sees often.

Rafe is beginning to think you're changing him, for the better. He's never loved someone so much, he fell fast and hard for a girl who was perfect for him. Soulmate was a word he swore he never believed in, that was until he got to know you.

When he caught a look at you in his headlights, making out with JJ fucking Maybank, he could swear his heart stopped. Typically he'd be angry- he's not a stranger to being cheated on, or doing the cheating, but with you, it was so different. He was more mature now. Apparently, maturity meant heartbreak.

"Y/N? Is that you?" Rafe calls out, getting out of the truck as JJ disappears back down to the beach. He already knew the answer.

"Rafe! Uh, hi!" You giggle nervously, deciding to play this out a little longer as he walks up to you.

"Who were you with?" He asks, stopping a few feet away as his voice cracks.

"Oh! Uhm, just a friend." You answer, keeping your distance.

"Oh, okay. Well, let's go, then. I'll get you home." He mumbles, a tear falling which he quickly wipes away as he turns to head back to the truck. Hopefully, the few seconds he isn't facing you are enough to compose himself.

"What, that's it?" You scoff, crossing your arms. The sudden sobriety in your voice caught him off-guard. "I really expected more from you, Rafe Cameron."

He turns, brow furrowed as he looks you over. Sober as ever, he's sure of it. "What?"

"What?" You mock him, rolling your eyes. "I'm disappointed. Honestly. Not even a screaming match?"

Rafe pauses for a moment, shaking his head slightly as if it would help him interpret the situation. "Y/N, I'm not going to fight with you. I'm going to pretend I didn't see what I'm pretty sure I just saw, and we're going to move on. Okay?"

"I'd rather not, actually." You reply, feet planted firmly where you stood. "Are you crying?" You ask, leaning in a little and squinting in the headlights to see better. "Oh, my, god. You are crying!"

"What are you laughing at? You cheated on me!" He defends, wiping his eyes rapidly as his voice shakes.

"Aw." You laugh, clutching your drink to your chest with a fake pout. "It really worked, didn't it?"

Rafe looks down at the ground now, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Tell me, how does it feel?" You ask. "I'd like to pass it on to a friend. I mean, she already knows, because you cheated on her. Then blamed her, and then hit her when she pointed the finger back at you. Oh, and that was after you ghosted her and broke up with her with a snapchat."

He just shakes his head again, chewing now on the side of his nail as tears continue to fall.

"Nothing? Not even a word?" You ask, waving your hand in his direction to grab his attention.

"I love you." He mutters, a weak attempt at regaining your favour.

This only succeeds in making you laugh. "So I win!" You drop your can so you can give yourself a round of applause.

"Rafe Cameron, I have never met someone as fake, and sick, and as cruel as you are." You recite, stepping closer with every word. "You are going to die alone. And you'll deserve it."

"You will too." Rafe counters, taking a deep breath. "You are just as cruel and sick as I am." He spits, regaining enough confidence to be angry. "What kind of person takes months out of their life to move to a new city just to fuck up someone else's life?"

"You don't even know the extent of what I did yet." You whisper, face to face with him now. "Go ahead. Hit me. I won't press charges. I won't need to."

His fists are clenched at his sides, jaw shut so tight his temples are starting to ache as angry tears continue to fall.

"You can't, can you?" You continue, taking a step back now, smiling and shaking your head. "You're pathetic, Rafe Cameron!" You call, turning and walking back down the path.

He watches you walk away, heartbroken as he huffs with anger. That's what he gets for changing. That's what he gets for trusting you.

taglist: @bookishbabyyy, @madelynie, @whore-4-drewstarkey, @slut4drudy, @winterrrnight, @totalswag, @sadfury, @fullfledgedemo, @rafemotherfuckingcameron, @urfaveluvr, @chenslucy, @hxnnah-397, @s-we-e-t-t-ea, @tahliac11, @saccharinesammie, @ietss, @maybankslover, @redhead1180, @suzyheartsrafe, @wpdailyminimeta, @rafegirly, @thelomlisrafecameron, @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles, @flonkertn, @whtvrrafe, @r1vrsefx

[tarotwithlove]

PICK A CARD ೕ their thoughts the last time they saw you (any connection)

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · LINKTREE · SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC · TIPS ♡ tips and feedback are highly appreciated!

GROUP ONE

cards pulled · the hanged man, justice, eight of cups, the chariot, ace of wands.

confirmations · snakes. animal tattoo. aquarius. cancer. libra. childhood memories. twin. naruto. angel # 726.

my dear group one ♡ the last time this person saw you, they were already ready to move on to the next stage of their life. this seems like a friend or family member, more so than someone you’re involved with romantically though you should, of course, take it as it resonates.

whatever the relationship between you may be, this person has put a lot of thought into this connection and what distance could mean for it, coming out on the other side sure that no matter how far apart you are your relationship will not fall apart—something which was solidified in their mind the last time you saw each other.

it is sometimes hard for them to believe that a relationship could last when two people aren’t physically together, but the last time they saw and spoke to you they were put at ease that in your case things would be different. simply put, they felt—and still feel—as if you both can pursue your respective dreams and build your individual lives without detriment to the connection.

GROUP TWO

cards pulled · ten of swords, queen of cups, the hermit, wheel of fortune, four of swords, the star.

confirmations · singing lessons. cello. virgo. leo. cancer. massage. new job. moonlight sonata. green eyes. red hair. yellowstone.

my dear group two ♡ the last time this person saw you, they could not get ahold of all their thoughts. in short, this person thought that what they wanted more than anything was to put this connection behind them.

they seem to have spent much of this connection feeling lonely and uncared for, likely because you did not have the time or energy to give them the love and attention that they needed. and while, at one point in time, they may have thought that it would be best to give this relationship a second chance, the last time they saw you they knew that this wasn’t an option.

the busier and more successful you got, the less attention you paid to them, and the more they started to feel like a burden to you—especially if they have mental and/or physical illnesses that often make them feel like a burden to others. it’s a feeling that they never thought they would have in this relationship with you, so as it got stronger so did the thought that things should end between you too. for good.

GROUP THREE

cards pulled · two of swords, ten of pentacles, three of pentacles, seven of pentacles, the tower.

confirmations · deep blue sea. libra. aries. leo. sage. broken clock. silver jewellery. fair skin. # 210. brown eyes and brown hair.

my dear group three ♡ the last time this person saw you, they were overwhelmed by pride for you and how far you’ve come. this person has seen you at your lowest; in fact, likely sharing in many of these lowest moments with you.

so to see you be successful in something or to see you reach a goal is more important to them than they could ever say. the last time they saw you, they felt as if you were seeing each other as equals for the first time. they felt that they were seeing you clearly and not obscured by familiarity as can happen when two people are around each other for a long period of time.

when you and this person saw each other last, it may have been after a period of significant separation; causing all their thoughts to bubble up and take them over. they know that things have changed considerably between you too and that they’ll never go back to how they once were, but they also felt strongly that, with this, your relationship and the love you share has only gotten stronger and more substantial.

GROUP FOUR

cards pulled · queen of cups, the lovers, death (reversed), the hanged man, eight of cups.

confirmationss · yellow. blonde or ginger. gemini. aries. sagittarius. cobblestone. back tattoo. lavender incense. gardening. white wine.

my dear group four ♡ the last time this person saw you, they were driven by an air of excitement.

i do not feel as if the two of you spoke, rather that you were both watching each other from afar and wondering if the other would make the first move. wondering if the other would close the distance with something to say. you never did and this person thought that it was for the best.

the last time this person saw you it felt like they were closing a chapter of their life; a chapter in which they were choosing to leave you behind. though it was a decision that did not come to them with much ease, with so much of them wanting to hold on even when they knew it was better for them to move on completely. yet, that’s what they did. they were thankful to see you from a distance and grateful that they got to say goodbye in this way, and that was enough for them.

[faithfromanewperspective]

the western sydney work ethic, mental health, burnout, inequality and ableism

inspired by ashton irwin on artist friendly with joel madden and 17902 sustainable urban development at the university of technology sydney

I’ve teased the idea of writing this post for a while now, and now I’m sitting in my borrowed bed in Sydney with the graphs and maps from my course still at the back of my eyelids and still processing the Vibes of catching up with my childhood friends and wondering if it’s too early to go to bed if the sun’s still up—it’s time to let it out. Because I found a bunch of seemingly unrelated things and put them together in a way that helped me process my upbringing and the way it’s positioned me as I go through life even now.

For background of this post, the Greater Sydney metropolis has a very stark rich/poor divide, where a large strip from the west going to the south of the city have been left behind in a variety of ways. In my uni course I see the maps on income, education level, job overqualification, crime, violence… they’re nice and set out, and they validate what I already intuitively knew—just like everyone who grew up in the area I’m going to refer to vaguely as Western Sydney. These graphs put words to something I’ve lived when I was too young to process it, something I hear the impacts of in 5 seconds of summer’s songs like I’ve never seen in any other art ever.

I know many people relate too and I don’t want to say you have to be from Western Sydney to get it. There are plenty of other places with similar trends, but this strip of suburbs, half a city, is where I grew up and the case study I’m going to use for the phenomenon I’m going to describe in this post.

Having spent the last decade and a bit in a more conservative, more sheltered area of suburban Brisbane, where people take it slow and at least attempt to have fun without getting completely wasted; where people have high expectations for their lives and livelihoods they never quite meet and where they’re the kind of emotionally aware that you hear all about how stressful that experience is: this was the backdrop of my teens and young adult years to this point. It’s where I learned about mental health and neurodivergence and ableism and where I really explored what faith and spirituality is to me. It’s where I never quite felt comfortable when people were too polite, where I poured all the belief they had in me as a gifted kid plonked into that environment I wasn’t native to into the delusion that I could deconstruct the unequal education system of their own creation if I only worked harder than anyone had ever worked before. Then they would finally listen. It’s where I tried and tried to get help for my mental health and wasn’t listened to either, not when I presented so well and was simply unable to unmask until I was unable to mask at all. Where the slightest bit of hope caused me to forget everything that was hurting me, making it a struggle to work through even to this day. where I wondered if I was some superhuman for the fact that I can work my ass off without even realising it’s hard work, a smile on my face and arms open for connection as always (the mark of health they say) while being desperately unwell, hurting, thinking I had it good compared to some of the people I’d see crumple under the pressure, I should be kind to them (not understanding why I found them so, so relatable).

I am not a freak of nature, or superhuman, though I am neurodivergent and twice-exceptional. I am the product of my upbringing and my ancestors. I carry generations of culture from hectares of foreign lands my ancestors made their homes on (ethically questionably in some cases I do acknowledge) and became part of the ecosystem of. It is, like most difference, a gift and a curse. Something that makes certain measures of ableism not apply to me, but creates others in their place. I’ll get into this more later.

in the strip of suburbs united by demographics we call Western Sydney, farmers from the notoriously difficult land of the Murray-Darling and immigrants from everywhere on the planet, some Indigenous but few Indigenous to Australia, make up classrooms, neighbourhoods, workplaces. Think I Am Australian by The Seekers, but just the verses, as a snapshot of some of the stories representative of the people. Interwoven in the landscape. We celebrated Harmony Day on the 21st of March in my primary school. Everyone had a different cultural background. We heard different languages spoken on the street. There were stereotypes. There were scared people trying to find their tribe, build a life in Australia, away from the larger scale farms, get their kids a good education to do a trade or go to university. Fear and angst and hurt coexisting with an appreciation of the juxtaposition of others you’d never head admitted out loud. But the second verse of the Australian national anthem was written just for us, or might as well have been. Beneath our radiant southern cross, we’ll toil with hearts and hands… google the lyrics, you’ll get it, you’ll see why I wish the rest of Australia did too: for those who’ve come across the seas, we’ve boundless plains to share, with courage let us all combine to advance Australia fair…

No one with the power to acknowledge this I interact with these days remembers the second verse. Except 5 Seconds Of Summer, in their ridiculous little promo videos, who I’d bet the rubble that’s left of my parents’ old house as the new owners turn it into a mansion because Gentrification, have no idea of what a meaningful gesture that is.

I can feel the wounds of being torn from the good parts of that experience closing over. And so it’s time to give the often forgotten stories on an often forgotten piece of land that made me and also these four wonderful humans who we are today, the credit it deserves. Start by telling our stories.

One thing I love about Artist Friendly is it cuts straight to it. Joel Madden is just incredible like that—in a world coming out of the 2010s pop decade of dancing while the room is on fire (bloodhound, 5sos) put your rose coloured glasses on and party on (Katy Perry’s chained to the rhythm) (these I would consider more analytical quotes of the era, one whose vibe was ‘forget all the pain in the world, let’s party and sing about how horny we are’ which for all my cynicism I did find fun)—he kept up his punk edge, kept investing in new musicians, searching for and investing in what’s real. He also really loves Australia, and when you put our underdog-supporting attitude next to Good Charlotte’s songs you understand why. Anyway, the episode pretty much opens by him asking Ashton about his background, and relating from the perspective of working-class-emotionally-unavailable/immature-parents-who-showed-their-love-through-provision-and-really-did-try-to-be-there-but-had-none-of-the-resources. I like the positive take. It’s high time we stop being classist and ableist towards the people who’ve met our needs as much as they were able, but it still wasn’t enough. Who taught us how to take opportunities, work to prove our worth, and through it all couldn’t even afford therapy.

I used to think my family was rich because we lived in Australia and my parents had gone to university. Never mind the fact that I was born when they were barely older than I am now. Never mind the mould in the walls or sneaky Tuesday night washing of the school uniforms in the summer when we got sweaty and there weren’t any spares or the mismatched bargain bin clothes we wore or the bedroom I shared with my sisters. I knew the people I compared us to. And now I do really believe if I’d grown up a bit less frugal or even a few k’s out of the area I did I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have the perspectives I have, nor would this podcast episode have me feeling so seen. Like, yes I lived a bit further into the city than these guys, close to the train line without any farmland where the house values shot up seemingly overnight and meant the area I grew up in is experiencing a very weird disparity as two cities collide within it today. But we grew up in the same era in western sydney, we grew up loved and knowing that was a privilege and we grew up knowing from a very young age we had to spend our whole lives working hard if we wanted life to be manageable and we better be polite and better not ask for too much.

yet we also grew up with hurt. From the trauma we inherited from our caregivers as we encountered the attitudes and fears with which they faces the world. From what we saw our peers go through much too young to be able to draw boundaries with the empathy we felt too much of and understood nothing of. From broken family relationships that were all too common. From religion that hurting people used to cause or at least stagnate hurt instead of healing.

when I was burning out and struggling as an unrecognised neurodivergent I used to wonder why my father would place such value on the Protestant work ethic when Jesus died exactly so we wouldn’t have to strive. And I acknowledge that the PWE is harmful to many disabled folk or literally anyone who has experienced the demands of life and had their stress invalidated for it. Including myself. But never having the expectation of a life of ease and luxury? I do appreciate that. It’s given me a whole different metric for how I view life, one none of my friends except those who are from those years of my life understand. No one in Brisbane or my online international friends seem to get it. But I’m sure when you see yourself in this post, that some of you will (we might be the largely unheard minority but I’m sure we exist. Joel Madden is proof of that). It’s given me a differently calibrated emotional pain scale in many ways. Different standards for when the warning lights come on (and I’m very perceptive of angst and disappointment and always see them in others to be worse than they are because of it). And when I look at everything this band has accomplished, I know it’s the same for them.

I have spent a lot of time these last years advocating for neurodivergent acceptance. I’ve done so in a way that made sense of the decade previous, of existing in a world of inequality I’ve always been so sensitive to and of expectations that I took on as opportunities (because what else have I been trained to do)? And yet so much of it is about funding and resources. And when there isn’t that? You make room for my favourite thing ever: grassroots, unofficial but beautifully organic loving neurodivergent affirmation. Plenty of rural folks, my grandparents included, hate labels, prefer focusing on strengths and equipping young people based on those than accommodating difficulties. They’re often seen as conservative, bigoted, ableist, and some of them are. But they bring with them an important lesson about how to live with the realities of the economy that they struggle in too, too much to support someone else. They don’t have the same impossible expectations of their neurodivergent progeny and protegees and community members that many who hold in their heads an idea of perfection they hope to bring to their families do (the kind of things sometimes only a diagnosis can free someone from, and nothing from the memory and shame of) and that—that is an important attitude for all of us to have.

Some people are unconventionally neurodivergent affirming while knowing none of the terms, or maybe trying to hold off using them because of the same economic and confidence reasons I’ve tried to unpack. Some rely on simple kindnesses and explanations that centre around possibility, and go nowhere near deficit. Some people know intuitively or through hard life lessons themselves (usually the latter) the value of stripping all but essentials from the functionality of everyday life. Not making it any harder than it is.

Of course you can drum on the tables in math class. My son is a musician, I get how it is.

Liz Hemmings is the only valid neurodivergence parent—I’ll say no more, it is how it is

Sometimes when we advocate for things we have to be aware that the way the dominant in-power often wealthy culture has figured it out isn’t always the best way to do things. Environmentalism is a prime example of this. This is why we need brown environmentalism and to decolonise and listen to our Indigenous stewards and share power.

You can take a lot of lessons from a place that’s as culturally diverse as Western Sydney. And you can see how a work ethic is facilitated, rather than gatekept. You can see why Ash, when asked by Joel if he’s scared of every getting back to that life (ref to poverty) his attitude is actually one of gratitude and almost reverence for the place that shaped him, that brought the band together and everything that came from that point forwards. That shaped their attitude and birthed the grit that got them through being on tour with one direction and I don’t think he said it but in Ash’s case I bet the empathy he has for the fans and the way he just wants to connect and create a fun experience but also one where we’re deeply seen by moving songs is because he knows what it’s like for so many people. You can’t not if you grew up like we did. You can see why Luke at any chance will say ‘we’re from Sydney Australia’. It has a way of sticking to you, the rich culture that’s a patchwork of orphaned cultures, the way everyday life is like one of those adventures you emerge from with strong bonds usually only found in fantasy novels. You can see that the band is proof that those bonds exist in real life.

after a decade and a bit pretending I know what leisure is and how to have fun without Bad Angst I’m glad that this proof is still in my life. I’ve still got close friends from primary school and few can boast that (we might not quite be Calum and Michael in that regard, but they still have other friends from primary who they’ve kept in touch with despite geographical separation as I have).

Now I’ve acknowledged this and traced the strings that are much easier to see when my own life is mirrored in a podcast episode, maybe I can find the good among the cultural dysphoria in the circles I do have in Brisbane, and do value still for what they are even if they’re not quite the same. Now that I can see how a world of too many opportunities and not enough freedom can burn someone out who came from this background, with the type of brain that flourishes on being a latchkey kid and sketchy hangouts with deep conversations and questionable substances but crumples under expectation and too much choice and politeness, I can put my life back together in a way that validates who I am and where I come from, rather than what those around me tell me should be good for me.

as, I can tell by this interview, these guys have. I want to be able to talk about suffering without people acting like it shouldn’t be something we can comfortably say out loud, as Ashton does here and through music. My art isn’t quite the same, but the purpose behind it is so, so similar. I relate a lot to the importance he places on spirituality, even if I’ve tried to do something with Christianity that it, in the mainstream at least, isn’t built for and probably can only partially do on its own. Maybe the epitome of humility is being able to learn from other religions and see them as gifts from God even as, and I include Christianity here as well, anything can be dangerous if used in a way that it wasn’t meant for: anything with power to heal has power or hurt too. I’ve got so much respect for how Ash does it. I think this episode really cemented for me that, and I feel like it’s something we as a fandom don’t talk about enough because of their characterisation (and fair enough, if you’re famous you don’t want people dissecting every part of you, and I’m not going to do that just give a generalised compliment): these guys are so incredibly resilient and intelligent and invested in creating healing and they’re really fucking good at it. They might present themselves as goofs with one braincell that create bops and fan over other celebrities as if they themselves aren’t famous too, but so much of that is humility and them baring themselves in ways that are sustainable and really emotionally mature (for the most part) to be relatable to us as fans and invest in making that connection genuine. They’re not pretending, because they understand how it is to be human.

and you don’t get there by being some sort of Untouchable Philosophical Genius Figure. you get there because you’ve lived in community and you’ve survived hard things because of other people who’ve done similar and created authentic art too. You get there often because you have to: because putting on a fake show and doing stuff for likes and popularity was never going to work and will only screw you up in the long run and you’re worldly enough to see that from a young age and learn from your own intuition and empathy and experiences. You get there because you lived your whole life being resourceful and being street smart and doing what it takes to make good decisions and invest in yourself (who else do you have who’s worth more than that) and your future. Doing what it takes to make sure you’re alive to learn how to do better at things you’re behind in that might keep food on the table in the future, because there’s none of that oh-it-won’t-happen-to-me attitude. That part is very sustainable which I love. I also really really relate to it and have found it something I would get complimented on when I was younger, too young to be so mature. But I never attributed it to myself. I knew somehow, abstractly, I was disabled and nearing my limit and everything I do I did so I could survive. It’s the western Sydney work ethic.

and yet this often beautiful phenomenon has its ugly side. If you know you’re neurodivergent even without the words—more often than not the only people you see who you relate to are those who didn’t make it, who fell off the horse of functionality and into things like addiction and other things that exacerbate the inability to empower yourself. You figure that when you’re honest with yourself you’ll be dead by 25. Sometimes you give up on trying to prevent that and wonder if it’s even worth it to attempt to keep going: is your life really worth that effort?? What I’ve described is a combination of the experiences of many people I know, aspects of it are mine, and aspects mirror things I know these guys have mentioned about themselves (I’m going to leave it at that vague level of detail). You wonder why people believe in you, is it only because any other option is unmentionable? But what if you let them down like you know (fear) you will? And burnout is the epitome of this: the need to let go of trying. And without a decent amount of privilege it’s impossible to return from.

I’ve been there and scrounged at straws of privilege I do have, pretending I’m doing my job to the level that others expect while letting go of every expectation I have on myself. Still problem solving outside every box on how to get back on my feet because I know nothing else, radically accepting that I might not and whittling down all my needs in life to the most essential, that I might still survive even at my limited and diminishing capacity. While always relating to those our society sees as failures. I’ve borrowed from other cultures that aren’t my own to have a stubborn sense of worth while trying to keep afloat in a society and economy that says it’s conditional. My spirituality comes in here, as do my problem-solving skills: again, maybe this culture fears burnout more than anything, but maybe it has half a toolkit on how to get out of it. Only half. I have to pair it with what I learn from others too.

and even through that, I’m immensely privileged to have savant skills and a generally able body. Just like when you make it big as a musician you’re privileged by that. Against a backdrop of I’m-nothing-special. I’ve always struggled with questions of my felt worth, because I’m so conscious of my privilege and ability that sometimes I get the two muddled (though I know my ability doesn’t define my worth in things I do poorly at, and my persistence technically doesn’t either but I’ll be damned if I don’t try and try and actually find doing badly more validating of how I see myself than when I do well, so I chase it again and again, my dad is the same, it’s what makes us so adventurous). I understand the consciousness of things that are going well not lasting, and pouring creativity for new ventures into things like selling candles. Instead of letting achievements make me believe I’m someone more important than I am, using them as ways of giving myself space to do whatever’s next, dial off the pressure a little bit.

I understand appreciating others’ sensitivity and the social capital they bring everywhere rather than their material wealth or achievement and when Ash praised Calum for that and said it made him look bad I felt that. Both the experience of being that counter-cultural person who doesn’t give a shit about money but values connection so, so much more (and from all I’ve written, you can see why, can’t you) to still never being able to be as good a person as I see the need for in the world.

I understand missing family and constantly grieving that, as I weigh up the city of my childhood with the friends and culture I love versus the city of my youth with my feathered family who are my children and who I hate to miss birthdays of and the like, same goes for my sisters and parents and grandparents, the way Ashton, the only band member with younger siblings, hates missing all their milestones too. I feel privileged that Brisbane and Sydney are so close to each other and nothing in my life is as far as Los Angeles. I understand the nostalgia for Sydney. This whole post is proof of it.

I understand the unbreakable bonds between people who make this kind of art together. I understand putting disagreements on the back burner and realising the connection through writing is so much bigger and the connection can overcome whatever is going wrong. Heck, I feel privileged to understand and relate to how such brilliant brains work (nature: neurodivergence I won’t go any further into as well as nurture) as well as the environment that made them what they are.

all my life I’ve longed for that kind of community and connection I’ve seen largely in fiction, sometimes between people in real life. And I think having written this analysis (it’s taken me til my bedtime or later) I do have all the ingredients there. All the ability to make it, both in the practical way I relate to and am there for my friends and whatever I do in my silver bridges tag. In the neighbourhoods I eventually design that foster communities with all the good parts I’ve described but without the inequality and minimal poverty and hurt and violence. To everyone who’s shown me these things in myself that are so worth working for and I know I’m not savantly immediately good at, I am so so incredibly grateful. the city as a whole. My family and friends. The celebrities I grew up nearby and those who invest in people like them. People like me. May I keep investing in people: people like you. because what is humility but knowing there’s always something to learn, and what will bring all of us forward but learning it and putting it into practice in love and empathy that drives a grit that no amount of striving for striving’s sake can manufacture?

[apostlearcana]

Info Dump. Now *holds gun*

Okay, okay! ;; Under a cut! ...but first, some history. (Also under the cut!)

Zenkichi's big turn and the first time I saw the August 14th scene was two days before my birthday, March 20. My friends were telling me that he was gonna be the one I would yell about ridiculously, and I snorted it off. How could anyone think that the dorky cop was gonna be the one I liked the most? I liked the single dad sad cops that would absolutely tear down the country for their kids. … …and then I saw the entire scene with Zenkichi after Sapporo, and I was absolutely thrown headfirst into 'wait, what in the fuck is this?' Needless to say, I had to stop after the save point because I was crying. A lot. Goofy old dork is actually- really fucking messy on the inside? Oh no. Oh NO, I suddenly latched on like a fool.

It sort of became a big spiral from there about him, and I began to come up with a ridiculous degree of sad with him that the game never explained because- it's a month long experience. And not enough time to really dive into the meat of the whole "EXCUSE ME, THE NEW DAD WE PICKED UP IS ACTUALLY FULL OF SELF-LOATHING AND BULLSHIT" sort of idea. (And about how Joker/Akiren was somehow okay with working with a fucking cop after. Y'know. All of P5/R? MUH?)

As per this introduction of Zenkichi and in my time crying about him for the last three years, I have thus come up with the following... headcanons and sobbing ideas.

🅱️LEASE NOTE A LOT OF THIS IS FIXED IN MY SILLY ALTERNATE UNIVERSE FOR THINGS, BUT IF IT SOUNDS NEAT, IT CAN BE APPLIED IN OTHER CONTEXTS.

🌸-🐺-🌸-🐺-🌸

Zenkichi and Valjean have had a connection for the last some twenty plus years. It started as that little voice in his head that would tell him to push the envelope, chase the bad guys, indulge in his anger. Zenkichi would often rebuff these advances, and over time, the voice got louder and angrier at how he wouldn't speak up a lot for himself because of 'how he just sits like an obedient dog and takes it.' It's only in Akane's jail that he finally breaks free of his chains and begins to really make a man out of himself.

Zenkichi does have some mental illnesses, mostly due to childhood trauma involving emotional abuse from his father. Emotions were pretty much a way to get his dad to yell at him about how weak he looked; being sad or angry or even melancholic were good ways to get the 'boys don't cry' talk of sorts often, and he bottled his emotions at a very early age. (And he still does many times, mainly because he doesn't want the kids to see him breaking down. The Thieves often help him with this, as does Maruki to an extent.)

There's a saying that your anger can hurt you more than it can hurt others, and it actively applies to Wolf's Fury mechanic in the Metaverse. As it stands today (04/03/2024), the kids vaguely know of his power and how it can fuck him up in the Metaverse. What the kids don't know, however, is that his wounds carry into the real world and give him many scars. At first, he tries to chalk them up to wounds he got when he was on the force for years, but it eventually will catch up to him: when the Thieves see the damage it does to him, they get… very concerned, to say the least. And they will hound him to get scar cream for some of the worse ones.

Zenkichi has smoked for a few years, but he did stop before he met the Phantom Thieves; he can't do the mile for shit, but he can jog fairly okay. His drinking habits aren't that great, though, to wear he can actually have enough to pass out. ...he's getting better though. Trying to get better. (He can get to be too lazy to get up and get one.)

Each time Enduring Soul activates for Zenkichi, it fucks him up pretty badly. I know the game mechanics say he survives with one HP and bounces back, but I've taken it a step further to say that yeah. He dies. He does die, and he comes back with renewed fervor. As the only known playable character that isn't a protagonist to have this ability, I have once more taken it to a higher degree of fuckery and made it worse.

Every one of the Phantom Thieves's experience with a shitty dad makes him want to go and punch a bastard, but they convince him not to do so... so he won't go to jail. However, he doesn't listen and visits many of them. And while he doesn't get physical, he instills the fear of Valjean into every one of them.

To help deal with his anger issues he's unlocked since his awakening, he's since remembered his hand-to-hand combat training from being on the force; with Valjean's (genuine) gentle nudges and coaxing, he finds himself slowly going back into combative sports. He finds it liberating when he can go wild in private away from the kids, knowing that many of them have some kind of trauma from adults being angry or violent.

THAT SAID… when the kids find out about his habit, I'd like to think that Zenkichi admits that he didn't want to tell the kids out of fear and their traumatic pasts and whatnot, but they're far more relieved he has an outlet for said rage that's healthy for him and not doing worse things. (It also comes in handy for other things- because these kids can't stay out of trouble too often, but that comes down the line much later.)

Gramps- does leave the force, but only after he and Miyako speak about it at length for a long time. He ends up becoming a private investigator with quite the name for himself that gets mumbled through the streets: the Wolf of Kyoto.

I have quite a number more but... this is getting long.

[knickynoo]

If Marty was officially diagnosed with ADHD (or ADD in those days), how would his family (including Doc) handle it, you think?

An ADHD Marty-themed ask? This is one of my favorite headcanons. Let's consider this scenario, shall we?

Doc would handle it very well. In fact, there's a decent chance Marty would fly through the door of the garage all flustered and crackly-voiced like, "Aw, Doc! They're tellin' me I got this ADD thing," and Doc would nod and go, "Yes, yes, of course you do. Hand me the socket wrench, Marty."

Really, though, I think it's quite possible that Doc would know a bit about ADD, even though it wasn't super well-known or understood in the 1980s. But I can see him having come across literature on it and being intrigued, sort of diving into whatever information he can get because--being an intelligent, science-minded guy--things involving the brain would fascinate him. Along the way, he'd likely connect the dots in the similarities between symptoms and Marty's own behavior and have a lightbulb moment. Be like, "Duh."

Doc would be more open-minded regarding ADD than most people were during that time. In the 80s, it was mostly seen as something only very young boys had, and it was typically only the "severe" cases that actually got diagnosed and treated. People thought it was something you grew out of in late teens/early adulthood, and many didn't even see it as a disorder but rather just a case of bratty, undisciplined kids. Doc wouldn't follow that line of thinking and would probably be ahead of the times in terms of his understanding of the disorder.

He'd be very supportive of Marty and use whatever knowledge he's able to gather to help his friend figure out tools and coping strategies. (And I wouldn't put it past post-trilogy Doc to use time travel to see what new developments there are in the realm of ADD--now ADHD!--in the future)

Side note: I also headcanon Doc's son Verne as having ADHD (going based off of the way he's written in the cartoon), so that would factor in as well. Doc would be well-versed in it.

Twin Pine McFlys

I've considered this many times, actually. I mean, Marty has SO many ADHD traits as it is in the movies, and it's interesting to consider what a kid like him would experience living in the environment that is the original timeline McFly house.

Basically, I don't think Twin Pines George and Lorraine would even acknowledge any signs of ADD in Marty, let alone take the initiative to seek a diagnosis for him. Even if they had the resources/money for it, which I don't think they would, they'd probably sort of wave away any concerns. George doesn't strike me as even being aware or involved enough to notice anything, and Lorraine may go the route of, "We didn't have this ADD thing when I was your age. Those kids are just poorly behaved, and you're not like them, Marty. If you ask me, you just need to apply yourself more." It wouldn't so much be a case of Lorraine purposely being uncaring or anything--that was just the thinking of the time, and Lorraine has enough issues of her own to be consumed by without having to take on the possibility that her son might be struggling.

Lone Pine McFlys

They're hip. Savvy. Lone Pine George and Lorraine are on top of things, so I think the likelihood of Marty's ADD being noticed and addressed would be much higher, even if it took a while to get to that point.

Idk how it would come about exactly. Considering the time period and lack of information, there'd probably still be a lot of, "Oh, that's just Marty/That's just how Marty is", etc for most of his childhood and into his teen years. Maybe by mid to late 80s, they'd start to notice things? Maybe Lorraine has a friend with a young son who gets diagnosed and medicated, and in talking to her about it, she sees the parallels to Marty and his "quirks". Then, being much more involved and emotionally present in this timeline, Lorraine would start figuring out where to go from there, broaching the topic with Marty, seeking a doctor who knows about ADD in older teens, and so on.

Thanks for the ask!

[gracesshelves]

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas follows Starr, a Black high schooler, who feels torn between the underprivileged minority community she grew up in and the affluent white community where she attends school. Already struggling with identity, Starr’s life erupts into chaos when Khalil, her childhood best friend, is murdered by a white police officer in front of her. This was another five out of five for me. I started this book at work one morning – I’m a substitute teacher – and finished it by lunchtime. It was impossible to put down. Thomas does a wonderful job at establishing tension, stakes, emotional connections, and voice. As someone who is less comfortable with writing first person, I admire how deep we got into Starr’s head. I will definitely be taking notes to apply to my work. While this novel explores many important themes, the two that stood out the most were how deeply police brutality is intertwined with systematic racism and Starr’s conflict of feeling like she must perform to meet other’s expectations all the time.

Despite how heavy this topic is, Thomas leverages multiple points of tension to keep readers hooked on the story. Furthermore, all these conflicts appear at varying distances to Starr, exchanging places at different points in the story. In some moments, the fights between the gangs take center stage. During other moments, the focus is on Starr’s interpersonal conflicts between her friends and family, and sometimes it’s just Starr’s struggle to find her voice in all of this. In a novel with so many threads, it’s important to shift what plots are in the forefront, so that readers do not get bored. This choice also prevents readers from feeling too overwhelmed by the sheer amount of conflicts present. I would love to know how Thomas braided these issues together because I really admire how this novel is crafted.

Another thing that Thomas succeeds at is portraying how infected the United States is with systematic racism, and how sinister, yet casually it appears. In the TV interview, the officer's father lies about the circumstances of the shooting without blinking. He claims that Starr and Khalil were cursing at the officer who pulled them over (Thomas 246). He says that his son “got scared, ‘cause they could’ve taken him down if they teamed up” (Thomas 246). Of course, none of this is true. But instead of questioning these statements, or pondering about the other side of the story, Hailey, Starr’s white friend, believes the officer’s father immediately (Thomas 248). When Starr confronts her on this, she gets defensive rather than listen and considers what Starr is saying (Thomas 250). This reveals how deeply ingrained and brainwashed so many people are in this country when it comes to police brutality against Black Americans. After Starr gives her statement to the Grand Jury, Hailey still refuses to entertain the thought that Khalil was innocent, saying Starr should move on because “‘Somebody was gonna kill him eventually’” (Thomas 341). Although this book came out almost seven years ago, nothing has really changed. Every time a Black person is killed, we go through the same song and dance: finding any way to justify why they “deserved” to be killed, performative activism from companies that never do anything to address their harmful policies, and a media circus never truly challenges these issues.

However, Starr’s journey of finding her voice acts as a message of hope. At first, she is terrified of speaking out about what happened: “I always said that if I saw it happen to somebody, I would have the loudest voice, making sure the world knew what went down. Now I am that person, and I’m too afraid to speak” (Thomas 34-35). However, after his funeral one of Starr’s friends from Garden Heights, Kenya, challenges Starr on her silence (Thomas 197-198). She says that Khalil would’ve said something if it had been Starr who got murdered, and continues “‘Here you are, with a chance to help change what happens in our whole neighborhood, and you are staying quiet. Like a coward’” (Thomas 198). This combined with the philosophy of the Black Panthers, which Starr’s father is a firm advocate of, inspires Starr to speak up against the lies of the police. At the end of the book, when the Grand Jury rules not to indict the officer, Starr protests against the injustice and uses her voice to emphasize that Khalil isn’t just some statistic, that his life had inherent value just in his existence as a person (Thomas 412). The novel ends with a tribute to those who have lost their lives to police brutality, and instead of leaning into how hopeless it feels, Starr asserts “I’ll never forget. I’ll never give up. I’ll never be quiet. I promise” (Thomas 444). As long as we never stop fighting against racial injustice and a system that continues to oppress non-whites, they can’t win.

Thomas, Angie. The Hate U Give. Balzer + Bray, 2017.

[didhewinkback]

OMFG I just read something old and MANNNN. You got me feeling all types of ways holy shit. The most I’ve ever felt reading a series holy cow. You are so fucking talented. Wowza. Please continue with the blurbs I feel like they are part of my life now.

Also does the fans know about Y/N and Harry’s current relationship? How did they feel when things were first announced after the wedding was called off and their relationship was exposed for the first time?

omg helllloooo you angel on earth !!! this message is soo lovely and kind and idk what i did to deserve it. i am so grateful that you took the time to write me and that you love the story so much!! i appreciate this message more than you knoow.

sorry this took me ages to answer as an apology i essentially wrote you a blurb pls see below

so per harry and erin's teams' agreement, the public never knew a wedding was supposed to take place. anyone who worked it had signed a pretty ironclad nda & all guests in attendance knew to stay silent about it, though some of erin's friends did try to go to deuxmoi at one point months later but that got shut down pretty quick. when the press release about the engagement ending came out, there was obviously endless speculation about it, discourse, tiktoks etc. people had a lot of feelings about harry and erin's relationship, they either absolutely loved the fashion power couple or they absolutely hated it and it was best to avoid any and all discussions on the matter, made easier by the break up being announced when you were on pause and doing your best to ignore any and all celeb news (though you did do some google searches at 3 am when you couldn't sleep but it immediately made you feel terrible so you avoided it like the plague, knowing if you needed to know something, harry would tell you)

as for your relationship, you both kept it realllly low key and private for the first year, wanting the broken off engagement to become old old news before anything got speculated about the two of you, harry was pretty adamant about ensuring no one connected you to the breakup. it was much easier than it sounds, he can really disappear when he needs to and it was important to both of you to protect what you had, shield it from prying eyes. his relationship with erin had been highly publicized and he had no interest in doing that again and you couldn't agree more, you've got no interest in that world or leaning into the public eye, so that first year was quite lovely, going on dates around london, moving in together around his birthday, 8 months into dating officially but conventional timelines never applied to you both. if you ever were spotted out together by fans, any speculation got shut down pretty quickly, people recognized you as his lifelong childhood friend and had no reason to assume otherwise, which worked in your favor when his tour started up again and there was tiktok upon tiktok about how "yes you've been to more shows than usual but jeff's at every show and no one thinks he's dating harry so why would they think it about you??" you avoided it all but roxy loved to take the piss, sending you screenshots every so often when you would show up on her for you page with a text "cannot seem to escape this bitch" to which you would reply "just how many videos of h's concert were you watching to get this on your algorithm?"

its in december 2021, the start of his few months off before the work craziness resumes, a lazy sunday morning. you're lounging on the couch, half heartedly clicking through netflix when you hear him come back into the house from his coffee run, hearing snippets of the phone call he's having getting louder after he kicks his shoes off and makes his way towards you.

"Yeah, I'll talk to her 'nd get back to you." he says, as he turns the corner, still bundled up with his beanie and hoodie pulled over his head, brow furrowed as he listens to the other end while still balancing the coffees and bag of pastries in his hand. "Yeah, for sure. Okay I'll call you back. Love you bro, bye."

He hangs up the phone, placing the treats on the coffee table before taking out his airpods and shuffling over to you. He hovers over where you lay, resting his hands on the back and arm of the couch before leaning in.

"Hi," he murmurs with a soft smile on his face, leaning in to kiss you.

You shudder when you pull away, the frost from outside having seeped into his face. "You're cold," you say with a small frown to which he immediately rolls his eyes and nudges his cold nose down the side of your face, pressing kisses all along your cheeks, forehead, jawline, until you push him away with a giggle. He smacks one final kiss to your head before pulling away, tugging his hoodie off his head and taking his beanie off to shake out his hair.

He leans back to grab the coffee off the table, handing you your cup while throwing the bag of pastries onto your lap before he grabs his own cup, lifting your legs temporarily before settling on the other side of the couch, placing your ankles over his lap. He leans back, resting his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath. You assume you're the "her" he mentioned on the phone earlier but you opt to give him time, peeling open the pastry bag to see what he picked up.

"Got something weird to talk to y' about." he says, making you pause in your rifling efforts as you look over at him, finding him in the same position, his eyes still closed.

"Oookay."

He squeezes your ankle once, opening his eyes and rolling his head along the back of the couch to look at you.

"There was a pap yesterday. Last night. On our walk. Don't know how but - here." He pulls his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket, quickly unlocking it before handing it over to you.

You feel an uneasy pit in your stomach as you swipe through the photos, though there's nothing bad or damning or embarrassing about them. Objectively, they're quite lovely. The two of you bundled up through the blustery London night, his arm wrapped around your shoulders with yours around his waist, him pulling you into his chest as you laugh, his chin resting against your head, then pressing a kiss to your hair. You both look happy, really, really happy, completely unaware of any eyes on you. You keep scrolling through and - ah. There's the most revealing one, the two of you smiling up at each other before he pulls you into a kiss with his hands cradling your face.

You can feel his eyes on you, intently watching every emotion that passes over your face, thumb rubbing circles along your ankle. It's so weird, is the thing. To see this intimate moment between you two captured by a complete stranger who you had no idea was watching you. You've somehow managed to avoid this happening up until this point, the combination of lawsuits he has against paps in London and being able to blend in with the crowd having worked in your favor for the last year. It's a bizarre feeling, to feel like you got too complacent in your own life, should've been more aware of your surroundings. But also? Fuck that. You're not going to live your life differently because of what other people are doing or thinking. They're the ones with the issue, not you.

"'m so sorry," he says, 'Had no idea -"

"No no no," you say quickly cutting him off, as you hand him his phone back, sitting up and taking his hand when he offers it. "No need to apologize."

"Daily Mail and a few others got a hold of 'em, that was Jeff earlier. He and Sadie wanted to see if we wanted them to run any kind of interference." he says, small frown on his face as he plays with your palm, fingers drawing mindless patterns. "The photos are getting published regardless but like they could try to keep you as a mystery woman or summat -"

You snort, shaking your head as you rest your forehead on his shoulder, his arms wrapping around you and pulling you close. It takes a second of rearranging your legs before you're sat on his lap, his hand rubbing up and down your back. You pull back to look at him, hands coming up to cradle his face. He leans into the touch, turning to plant a kiss to your palm.

"You okay?" you ask quietly.

He nods. "Just don't like getting caught off guard like that. Don't like that people who don't know us will get to -"

"Yeah."

"And I don't want to fuck things up for you. Like your job or -"

"Everyone at work already knew. And those who didn't met you last week. Most people are barely on the internet there, I'm not stressed. " you say, sliding your hands to rest on his shoulders as he nods, brow furrowed in thought.

"'s gonna be intense for a bit. Might be good to hop on a call with Jeff and Sadie, see what boundaries we can set, control what we can control."

"Yeah, that'd be good," you say, your mind whirling as the reality of the situation sets in, photos of you kissing your boyfriend splashed all over the internet. Christ.

"Hey," he says gently. "Talk to me?"

"Sorry," you say, shaking your head. "I'm good. Just - it's a lot. It's definitely gonna be weird, nothing I can't adjust to but still just. Bizarre."

"Yeah." he says, his hand coming up rest at the back of your neck. "You look really fit in the photos if that helps."

You laugh, watching as the smile grows across his face, his thumb catching on your jawline.

"It does, thanks." you say, smiling back at him.

"'m really sorry this can't be easier. Being with me -"

"Shut up." you say, surprising a laugh out of him. "Please. This is nothing. Easy to ignore at the end of the day. All that matters to me is you."

"Same here," he says, taking a deep breath, lips twitching up. "All that matters to me is me."

"You're so stupid, I knew you were gonna say that -" you say, laughing as you slap him on the chest, trying to twist out of his hold but he pulls you back in.

"'s you, 's you. You know 's you darling, come here." he murmurs, smiling when you press your lips to his, gripping your neck a bit tighter as he kisses you back. You know you have to call back his team, figure out some logistics but that can wait. All you want is right here.

---

so yes, the photos get published, the fans freak out. lots claiming they always always knew, many spending their time trying to piece together the relationship timeline, no one connecting it back to erin thankfully. it helps that she is busy with her new billionaire boyfriend, (you almost clicked on their architectural digest tour the other day before deciding against it). but you both really ignore it all, keep going about your lives, nothing really changes because you don't let it. you both still want to keep your relationship out of the public eye as much as you can, it doesn't stop fans or paps from taking your picture when you're out together but its easy to ignore it, just focus on each other, ignore the noise and the crazy corners of the internet.

he rarely talks about you in interviews, confirming you're together, maybe a brief mention or two of his girlfriend but refusing to go beyond that. it's only in his zane lowe interview in late 2024 that he goes into a little more detail when describing his inspiration for his new album, but at that point he's calling you something entirely different :) :) :)

---

[sonofthedunes]

part one of angsty luke/andrie headcanons under the cut. be warned, they’re all various shades of depressing and some of them are extremely dark.

some of what i’ve mentioned before applies here: andrie is the only surviving child of an unhappy marriage-whose mother never really seems to want her (perhaps because she sees her daughter’s force sensitivity and is appalled by it) and who leaves her family when andrie is 8, whose father is barely around and dies of exhaustion when andrie is 13.

her great-grandmother is kind if distant, and her uncles treat her well (in particular garit, for reasons that will be explained later). but to her grandmother zaria she is more like a live-in servant, a bothersome mouth to feed until she’s old enough to be married off. nothing andrie does seems to please her; the older woman is forever telling her that her tongue is too sharp, her eyes too direct, that mykarrah women are to be composed and quiet at all times (andrie would dearly love to point out how hypocritical this is, but doesn’t relish the thought of a slap for her trouble).

years later garit tells andrie why her grandmother was so insistent on her meekness, and why she coerced her into suppressing her abilities: because andrie’s great-aunts (zaria’s sisters) were both force sensitive just like her, they didn’t hide it, and they were murdered for it. in zaria’s eyes, this was the only way to save her granddaughter-and while andrie obviously does live, this choice is partially what makes her into such a temperamental and combative young woman.

in andrie’s early childhood, her aunt ylva (garit’s wife) serves as something of a surrogate mother to her. a genuinely sweet and selfless woman, she loves andrie just as much as her own sons and andrie adores her right back. but in perhaps the first great tragedy of andrie’s life, just before her niece’s fifth birthday ylva suddenly takes ill and dies. the family is devastated, but worse is still to come.

when andrie is 10 years old in 9 BBY, a sand fever epidemic sweeps across many of tatooine’s most populous settlements-and moisture farmers in rural areas carry it back to their own families from doing business in town. children and the elderly are particularly vulnerable; though her great-grandmother contracts only a mild case, andrie and her cousins conor and trager all become very sick. andrie recovers. her cousins do not. garit has lost his entire family, and from then on regards andrie as something of an adopted daughter. (her other uncle, orin, never marries and has no children.)

because of her cousins’ deaths, it becomes imperative that andrie marry and produce an heir to keep the farmstead in the direct mykarrah line-otherwise it will go to the son of zaria’s brother. as soon as andrie gets her first period at 12, zaria begins searching for a suitable husband. andrie is never asked how she feels about this or if it is something she wants.

but the force works in mysterious ways, and this ends up being how andrie formally meets luke when they’re both 18. there isn’t exactly a surfeit of eligible young men in the area, so zaria must consider them all-even an orphan from a poor family who bears a slave name. (mykarrah is not a slave name-and in the past andrie’s family has in fact owned slaves.) the marriage doesn’t happen bc owen objects to the idea of his nephew basically being adopted for use as a breeding stud, but during the negotiations the teenagers are sent away and discover they have more in common than they thought. they become friends-but zaria declares luke to be “surly” and “obstinate” (even though he was incredibly polite) and forbids him from setting foot in her home again. andrie’s uncles disagree with her assessment and help foster their niece’s new friendship; since she’s not allowed to leave the farm without an escort, they simply happen to run into luke and owen on visits to anchorhead, or accompany her to the lars homestead on occasion.

when word reaches the mykarrahs of the destruction of the lars farm, it is garit who gently breaks the news to andrie that there were no survivors. of course she is devastated; her friend, her only friend (who she’s been slowly developing feelings for), is dead, and she is condemned to a lonely life until she is forcibly married off. but the more she thinks on it, the more it dawns on her that she’s had enough. that for both luke and herself, she is going to leave this place and travel the stars. make something of herself. so that night she runs away from home (without telling anyone, which does come back to bite her in the ass) and hitches a ride on a trader transport to mos eisley. and in the spaceport, guided by the force’s hand, she sneaks aboard a junky corellian freighter and hides in one of the floor compartments…

during her service in the rebellion, andrie learns the meaning of real terror many times: during the battle of yavin, on her first few recon missions, dashing to make a transport ship when the rebels must flee yet another base. but perhaps the most potent of all comes when luke is rescued from cloud city. she knows the facts of his physical injuries, but not how they occurred…until she and luke are alone in his quarters on home one, a terrible thought enters her mind, and she asks him “it was vader, wasn’t it?” averting his eyes, he nods. a wave of fury and horror sweeps over her and she fiercely swears the Sith Lord will pay for what he’s done; were he standing before them now she’d attack with no hesitation. but when she demands to know what exactly happened, luke is unable to speak-he trembles, his eyes fill with tears and he slowly falls apart in front of her. to see someone so courageous, so headstrong, reduced to quiet sobs at the mere thought of that confrontation…that is the true measure of vader’s terrible power. luke buries his face in andrie’s neck and cries, and moved by helplessness and sorrow she cries with him. they have never wept in front of each other like this before. somehow, they forget to be ashamed.

just before luke returns to dagobah to complete his training, he and andrie spend the night together. the following morning, he tells her that there’s one last thing she can do for him. and so it is that andrie cuts his hair, giving him the style we see in return of the jedi-stripping away the last vestiges of the boy to let the man face his destiny. she turns her back when he steps out the door, unable to bear the sight of him leaving for who knows how long…but just prior she declares “the force is with you.” (not may the force be with you. it is. it has to be. the galaxy depends on it.)

as always, drop any questions you may have the askbox. part two soon.

[italiangothicwriteblr]

Guilt, mistake, and secret!

Hey! Thanks for the ask!

I'll do Nova and Livia

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Nova: She blames herself for what ended up happening to her family. If she wasn't around, then there would have been no reason for Southern soldiers to go looking for them in the first place, and Sebastiano wouldn't have died. She handles the guilt by trying to do things to "make up" for it, which usually consists of telling Cloelia and Adrasteia that she's fine when they ask even when she's really not.

In the "guilt surrounding her family" vein, she feels guilty about the risk she's taking with Livia. She knows how hard it would be for Cloelia and Attilio if she was publicly outed and humiliated, but she's doing something so dangerous anyway. She mostly tries not to think about her guilt here, because she knows the only way to alleviate it is a break up and she can't do that.

Livia: Okay so what's funny about her is she's done many terrible things. She's destroyed people's lives, bred unethical animal hybrids, managed a not-totally-monarch-approved spy ring--that kind of thing. And she doesn't feel bad for any of it. But what she really feels guilty about is the fact that she sent Glauco on a spy mission and he was immediately found out and captured. She thinks that she should've planned better, that he trusted her and she let this happen. In general, she feels the most guilt when something happens to someone who depends on her/she has power over, because she feels she has a duty to protect them. She processes guilt by throwing herself completely into work so it won't happen again.

mistake: What's the worst mistake your OC ever made? What led to them making it? Have they been able to fix it? How have they moved on?

Nova: I'd say her biggest mistake at this point in the timeline is either the accidental murder she committed when she was 15, or when she went digging through Ottavio's room and exposed everyone to mind control ink. The ink happened because they were looking for evidence to link Ottavio to a spy in the north, and the murder happened when someone threatened her and her magic exploded. Both of these are still pretty big problems for her at this point in the story.

Livia: Trusting Orsina. It wasn't her fault, Orsina was a family friend and her childhood mentor, but it was still a massive fuck-up. The consequences are so far-reaching that "fixing it" isn't really a possibility, and it really messed with her already nonexistent ability to trust people.

secret: What's one secret your OC never wants anyone to know about them?

Nova: Well. Putting aside the obvious--she doesn't want people to know just how much she loves and misses her brother, and thinks he can be rehabilitated. She tries so hard to apply justice fairly, but she's deeply emotional and forgiving when she really cares about someone, even if she shouldn't be.

Livia: This one's more surface level but--the fact that she's an atheist. Religion and the pantheon is very important in Circian culture, and it would do a lot of damage to her reputation if they found out she didn't care about/obey auspices or omens.

[ambrossart]

While I’m still working on the climax of part 8 (there’s a lot of strong emotions involved, and I really want to capture them as best as I can), here’s a little preview of what’s coming. 

Part 8 will be up tomorrow night since I have the day off to do all my final rewrites and edits. I will probably spend the whole day on it, honestly. 

In the meantime, enjoy this little sneak peak!

** Also, I can’t respond to comments because of the glitch, so if you post a question here, I swear I’m not ignoring you! **

“You know, it’s very rare to find a friend like Chrissy. We’ve been best friends since the first grade. The first grade. The teacher partnered us together for an assignment, and we just hit it off right away. It was effortless with her. As easy as breathing. We spent the whole afternoon talking and laughing, getting absolutely nothing done, and it’s been that way ever since. I swear, it’s like we’re in our own little world sometimes. We shut everyone else out, forget about all our problems, and just relax for a while… as long as we can. She’s the only one I’ve ever been able to do that with, and I’m assuming it’s the same for her; otherwise, she wouldn’t have kept me around for so long. And honestly that surprised me, too. I mean, you hear about girls dropping their childhood friends once they get a taste of popularity, but not Chris. No, she didn’t change at all. We still eat lunch together every day. Still walk home together every day. Sleepovers every Saturday, and then we hang out all day Sunday. It’s like a ritual at this point, and I think we’re both too afraid to break it. It’s like we think the world will end or something.” You laughed at that for a minute, then frowned. 

“We’re going to different schools next year. That wasn’t the plan, of course. We were both supposed to go to Evansville together, live it up, have the time of our lives, but now she’s the only one going. Chris thinks it’s because I didn’t get in, but the truth is… I never even applied. I don’t wanna go to college with her. I can’t go to college with her. And I know that’s sounds really selfish. Probably makes me seem like a total bitch, but… My whole identity is wrapped up in Chrissy Cunningham. From the time we became friends, she has defined me. I have no name anymore. I’m simply Chrissy’s best friend. And what, I have to spend another four years like that? Another forty? When I die, is that what’s gonna be engraved on my tombstone? I have nightmares about it. I wake up in the middle of the night and cry about it. I’ve spent the last twelve years living in Chrissy’s shadow, and it’s slowly killing me. And it’s not her fault. She’s done nothing wrong. She’s amazing, and I love her, but… I need to find out who I am… apart from her.” 

You breathed out the words and watched them drift away. This was the first time you’d ever spoken such treachery out loud. Until now, it had been trapped inside of you like a poison, and now that it was out, a small part of you was afraid. Afraid Chrissy might’ve heard you. Afraid that all your rituals had now been undone. The spell was broken, and now the world around you would cease to exist. Fires. Earthquakes. Floods. Famine. You sat there for a minute, listening for the sounds of screaming and panic, but there was nothing… just Spandau Ballet. 

You turned your head, caught Eddie Munson’s wide-eyed stare. “I’m sorry, were you asking me a question?”

“Uhh… just… what your plans are after high school.” 

Your face flushed. “Oh, right…” You crossed your arms over your chest and looked down. “Umm, college. In way too many words, college. Yeah, that’s what I’ll be doing. What about you?” 

Eddie pounded his fist on his knee. “I… have no idea. I guess I’ll be at the world’s mercy.” 

“You’re not gonna pursue your music?”

“Well, yeah, I’m gonna try… but the odds of making it are basically, y’know, zero.” He formed a goose egg with his hand, then made it explode with a flick of his fingers. “With my luck, I’m probably gonna end up sharing a prison cell with my old man.” 

“Don’t say that,” you said, sickened. 

“I’m just kidding…” 

“Yeah, you are, but you aren’t, so… stop.” Your voice was soft but emphatic. It made Eddie look at you in surprise. “I remember how you would get whenever your dad was out on parole. It was like night and day. You became a completely different person.”

Once, while you were all leaving Scottie’s house after a D&D session, Eddie saw his dad’s beat-up car sitting on the curb and, instantly, all the color drained from his face. Then he said, I gotta go, guys, and he skipped the next two sessions.

“You always swore you wouldn’t end up like him, so… swear it, Eddie. Swear you’ll never end up like him.” 

Your glare was earnest and desperate. 

Eddie sighed, surrendering to it. “I’ll never end up like him. I promise.” 

“Good,” you said. “And don’t make anymore jokes like that either because you’re not that funny, Munson.” 

“Okay,” said Eddie with a faint smile. “From now on, I’ll leave all the jokes to you.” 

[roulettefeel]

Also wanted to get out some of my current headcanons about Asunaro people, so starting with Maple:

With Sei’s existence I’m considering the possibility of a human Maple. With the way Maple is introduced to us as Girl before we got her name I got the feeling that she is a frozen snapshot of a high school aged teenager. For her to have developed feelings for Hiyori, evidenced by the love “program” applied on her by him using the MEMORY lamp on her, I would minimally assume human Maple to be an Asunaro asset since childhood the way we see with Kai and presume with Hiyori and also likely pink Hinako. Her being another Asunaro kid would give her proximity around him, and also a possible reason for him to be around her. Mr “didn’t make friends in school” would at least have to learn how to engage with his colleges.

Since 3-1 part 2 I’ve been headcanoning Hiyori to be closer to Reko’s age and barely older than Shin, because I find his mental state really hard to imagine on an older person. So we could even imagine human Maple and Hiyori were in some Asunaro education program together as teenagers even if Maple might still be a little bit younger than him. Really depends on how long ago she died. I’m not all that enthusiastic about how she’s likely an example of one of those “many” humans that Hiyori “loved” to the point of breaking, so if Nankidai goes with human Maple I hope there’s some emphasis on her being a fellow researcher and not just a victim of Hiyori.

I imagine Maple is either from one of the various Families that make up the organization or she could be a high aptitude orphan of some sort, whatever the story here she ends up on the research and development team. The way Qtaro recalls an Asunaro orphanage is that he thought the caretakers were kind people, so unless that’s a false memory I would maybe lean more towards Maple having family deep within the organization so she can get the full poisoning effect of how members seem starved for affection. That way whatever kindness Maple saw in Hiyori can stand out more.