About being ugly
So imagine this: you're a young teenager in need of validation. You see other people your age put photos of themselves on social medias and get tons and tons of compliments. You try your shot, post a picture of yourself and get like… 2 likes. And no comments about how pretty you are, just these 2 likes.
Then, you discover Twitter. You post a new pfp of yourself and since you see that it's a thing people do, you post with the hashtag “new pfp”. You go eat lunch with your family. Then you come back online with hundreds of notifications from people making fun of your appearance and calling you ugly. The only “nice” ones are telling you, “respectfully”, to delete the post, for your own “good”.
A few years later, you're transitionning and you see all the support trans people get online in some places. You're an active member of a discord server. You gather up the guts to post a picture of yourself in the designated server. It gets 2 to 5 “🏳️⚧️” reactions. The people before and after you get wonderful compliments and praises.
You leave the server feeling humiliated and sad.
And I wish I had advices to give you about how to cope with this. I don't. I studied cinema and photography for years, trying to make flattering pictures of myself, longing for the reactions everyone seemed to get but me. It never worked.
Even in designated spaces it never worked. I seemed to fail to get what to do with myself in pictures. No amounts of filters, poses, angles seemed to cut it. I'd never get one compliment out of anyone.
How do you build any self worth when people look at you only to say how you could improve your looks ? How you could improve your image? How you could be a good product™️ ?
Even dolled up in drag, all I ever gor was that my looks were “interesting”. This isn't a fucking nice thing to say. A book is interesting. A movie is interesting. A human can be, but hell, when I heard what people said about other performers I had to ask myself why the FUCK all I got was that.
Now you know part of why I play the part of the freak.
I'll burst the hell out of your bubble. If I can't be beautiful I'll be so rancid I'll make you want to puke. No, “interesting”, “brave”, “nice” won't cut it. If I can't get you to admit how pretty my being can be I will be repulsive. I will seize you by the throat and take you out of the comfort bubble you worked so hard to build. I will burry your head in the dirt of me, in the dust of my soul until you can't breathe anything but what I inspire to be, until you choke on your own tears and have nothing left in your sobbing lungs than the ashes of the selves I burnt for your little comfort, your little cabins made out of my flesh and bones. I'll hold your skull down and yell “What's beauty, bitch ?! Do you not like my belly rolls ?! Does my fat not feed you ?! Do you feel at ease now ?! Do I need to spoon myself into bite sized pieces you can digest ? Are you hungry for my rotten fruit ?”
I will spread my ugliness so far it's the only thing you'll see when you finally raise your pathetic symmetrical face.
I will shit on your perfect mouth until it's the only thing you can smell.
I will piss in your cookie cutter boxes untin you have to take swings of it when you try to fit in, your mouth dirty with the rancid liquid, forced to swallow bits of it down in every breath you ever take.
I'm beautiful.
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fucking astounds me whenever people say that mspec gays/lesbians are somehow offensive to gays and lesbians like,,, lesbian here; stfu someone else’s complicated experience of sexuality is not offensive
Believing that sexuality must fit into these boxes and that we’re not allowed to combine concepts for further understanding is TERF shit.
lesbian should not be treated like it’s some sort of holy word that must always be held to an exact definition or else it is sacrilege or some shit, it can and should be used as an umbrella term because once again, being super policey and weird about this stuff is TERF SHIT.
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Decided to migrate my insta posts over to tumblr as well!! 🪻🌻 (I also have an intersex-focused discord server welcome to all - dm for link)
[ID:
Purple and yellow heart illusion background for all slides. Reads: Unpacking Your Intersexism
Step One: How You Imagine Intersex People
When you think of an intersex person, or an intersex body, what do you envision? Is it an assumption of their characteristics and anatomy? Does it group ALL intersex people into one tiny box?
Intersex people come in a variety of shapes, colours and genders. Some may look exactly like a woman or man, some may function one way but look the other, some are a mixed bowl. Stop creating a poster child for what an intersex person looks like!!
Step Two: How You Use Intersex People
Have you ever heard yourself say something like "intersex people are proof of nonbinary/trans peoples existance!" or "kids never get surgery/hormones!" or used the existance of intersex people to fight/disprove or otherwise argue with transphobes? Stop!
Intersex people are more then just a shield for your arguements. Intersex people are not "proof" that trans or nonbinary people exist, trans and nonbinary people are the proof they exist!! Not only are you failing to acknowledge intersex people as people, youre doing a disservice to trans and nonbinary people!!
Alongside this, medical abuse is a common trauma in the intersex community. Many people are forcibly sterilised, have surgeries performed on them as newborns, and are covertly given medications or hormones to "fix" their intersex characterstics as children and even into adulthood.
Step Three: How You Relate To Intersex People
Ever hear someone say something along the lines of "well I'm Technically intersex now that I've taken HRT", "intersex people are biologically nonbinary", "I want to transition into intersex" or "this animal with mixed/changing characterstics is trans!" ? These are common misconceptions.
Taking HRT does not make you "biologically intersex", it makes you someone taking HRT, in the same way that taking birth control doesn't mean you're now infertile. In the same way, you cannot transition into an intersex person. You may have ambiguous, androgynous or mixed transition goals - and that's completely fine! But intersex is not the term you're looking for (try altersex!)
Intersex people and animals are not "technically" or "biologically" nonbinary or transgender, they're intersex. While some intersex people may identify with the term nonbinary, or even consider themselves a cis nonbinary person, not every single intersex person is nonbinary, nor does every single way being intersex presents itself look like what you're percieving as a "biologically nonbinary" body.
Step Four: How You Treat Intersex People
Think to yourself - are you asking invasive questions (such as their variation or anatomy)? Are you including intersex people in your queer activism or art? Are you consuming intersexist media, or media that fetishises intersex bodies?
Intersex people NEVER owe you any information on their condition. You are not owed their anatomical features, their intersex variations, their hormone levels or their chromosomes. You should not be asking if they're infertile, whether they can have sex, or any other invasive question.
While not ALL intersex people identify with the queer community, many do. If you create queer art, merchandise or anything else created with queer symbols and flags - are you including intersex people? If not, why? Do you acknowledge how bills will affect intersex people, or do you call them collateral damage? Are you lifting up intersex voices, or pushing them out of queer spaces?
Step Five: (Mis)Using Intersexist Terminology
Do you use h*rmaphrodite to refer to intersex people? Do you identify with TME/TMA, or force it on others? Do you use AMAB or AFAB as a catchall to mean "people with a perisex, non-transitioned male body" and "people with a perisex, non-transitioned female body"?
Firstly, h*rmaphrodite is a slur used against intersex people All The Time. Some intersex people may self-identify with it, but it is Not what you should be calling intersex people, nor should other intersex people use it on those who don't identify with it.
TME and TMA, or transmisogyny exempt and transmisogyny affected, completely fail to acknowledge the existance of intersex people. The terms are meant to refer to "AMAB" nonbinary and transfeminine people (TMA), vs. "AFAB" nonbinary, transmasculine people, and cis people (TME). However, many intersex people may experience transmisogyny due to how they appear, such as intersex men with typically feminine characterstics or intersex women with typically masculine characterstics. Transmen, nonbinary people of all shapes, people of colour and gender non-conforming people may ALSO experience what some may call "misdirected transmisogyny" due to how they present, but that's a whole other story."
AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) are not catch-alls for typically male or typically female experiences. Some people who are AMAB have typically female anatomy, hormones or life experiences, some are going to need "female" healthcare. Some people who are AFAB have typically male anatomy, hormones or life experiences, some are going to need "male" healthcare. AMAB does not mean "person with a penis", AFAB does not mean "person with a vagina" nor does it mean "person with tits" or "person with a period/capable of pregnancy". When you are making your info post or your sex ed posts, use specific language. It's not AMAB, it's "people with testes", "people with erections". It's not AFAB, it's "people with ovaries", "people with periods", "people with tits" (I cannot stress enough how much AMAB people can have tits).
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like, i know i don't have to do anything in particular to be butch, but there's always this part of my brain that says: no you need to do x y & z! you have to fit in with other butches! but listen up butches! don't listen to the devil on your shoulder. you don't have to be white, skinny, cisgender, you don't have to be anything. i think we've been lead to this sanitized version of sexuality where everything has some completely structured way of being, we're in this weird time where you have to fit in the box a label that was meant to diverge from "fitting in" in the first place. when i look at myself in the mirror it's hard to see a butch, but that, my friends, is the devil on my shoulder.
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We love getting to figure out gender as a system... As a disabled person..
I don't HAVE to do shit. We don't have to conform to people's bullshit.
Do we have any real label? No.
Do any of the labels we do use stick forever? No
Do we need one? Fuck no.
Do our labels need to stick? FUCK no.
Do we need to conform to people's need for us to use specific labels and never change them? Absolutely not, and fuck you if you think so.
We like our boobs and our vagina and our long hair. We want a more masculine voice and more body hair. We want to be more plump, more round, but we also like being as skinny as we are (though it's unhealthy and we need to start gaining at least some weight). We all use different genders and have different forms of attraction and we all have different ways we want to look but they all merge into one body and so we all compromise.
We love dresses and skirts and jeans and suits and t-shirts and shorts. We love heels and boots and running shoes.
We're a guy and a boy and sometimes a woman or lady, sometimes we're a girl, sometimes we're all okay with she/her and other times only the alters that use she/her are okay with it. Sometimes we're fine with our given name and sometimes we prefer our bodies chosen names, or even our own names.
We use hundreds of labels for our body and swap them around whenever we want because our identity is never the same single thing and it will always change. No, this is not us being genderfluid or pangender or sexuality fluid or pansexual, sometimes we do enjoy THOSE labels but those aren't what we always are.
What we ARE 100% always going to be is queer. No matter what someone says, we are always queer. Everything about us is queer, and that will never change. We've been queer since we were a child and that will NEVER change or be taken from us.
I love us, we love us, and we love each other.
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