#sometimes i get this really bad bout of dysphoria where i do not want to be perceived beyond 'you exist'

[purpleheartemote]

what do you mean by no pronouns? i’m a little confused

prefer just being called one of my names instead of pronouns being used. think of that meme that’s like “This is Bill. Bill doesn’t care whether someone does [x] or [y] for [z], be like Bill.”

[timetravelingsherlockian]

A System (TM): The non-definitive guide for dealing with dysphoria regardless of medical choices

Someone asked how one deals with dysphoria. The comment was too long for the reply box.

Long comment incoming...I have some gender fluidity going on, so I get buffeted from both sides (likely I tend towards masc, so it doesn't hit too hard).

I...uh...perform a good bit of mental jujitsu on the thoughts. It's gotta get through multiple layers of pre-prepared lifestyle choices, cognitive-behavioral thinking, mindfulness, rationalization, cultivating patience, disassociation, and spite before it really hits me.

Lifestyle Choices:

I'm out everywhere. If someone calls me something else or treats me in another way, they're either misinformed or being dicks about it. If they're the former, I either correct or move on with my day. If the latter, not worth my time. Any hurt I instill in myself from their dickishness is me brandishing their weapon against myself. Moving on.

Keep your friends supportive and your family as supportive as possible. If they can't be supportive, they don't get to know your business.

Don't explain shit.

I don't wear anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I wear the things I wish I wore when I was younger. All the dresses are out of my closet. None of the pants are too tight, and I have a few cut in a masc style, when I feel like it. My clothes don't cling in ways I'm not happy with. I have the good ol' standby dysphoria sweatshirt.

I get any aids I need to for myself. I go to a barber shop for my hair, and I make sure to get it cut when it's long. I've got a binder if I need it, packers, mascara in my cabinet drawer for facial hair. Pronoun pins (that I never wear, but it's nice to have them in my pocket to touch). I carry a knife like a lot of guys where I'm from do.

I try to keep everything else in my life in-shape. Think about dysphoria like a bad knee. If you don't get enough sleep, or you're eating garbage, or you're overtaxing yourself -- that knee's gonna hurt first, before anything else, because it's sensitive. If I'm getting a really bad bout, I check in with everything else first.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy:

I check disturbing thoughts against questions like, "if a friend told me this, what would I say to them?" "is the thought reasonable?"

If I spot words like "always" or "never", I flag them & try to re-word them in a less-extreme way, and I bring up counter-examples. E.g. "You'll never pass." becomes "are you sure, never*? That seems a bit harsh.* [check the facts] Even cisgender people get mistaken for the other gender, so even random chance says it'll happen at least once." >> "I'll almost-never pass." >> "Are you sure? Because the guy at the coffee shop says 'hey man!' every time you walk in. He's either clocked you (thus, you're being encouraged & accepted) or he genuinely thinks there's a man in there, somewhere." >> etc.

I think back to other times I've had the thought/experience and survived it. E.g. "What if I'm not really trans?" >> "...dude. You've been asking yourself that for around 3 years. You asked yourself that, then some cashier called you 'sir' and you clung to that in your little heart for most of the morning like a starving man with bread. That is not very cisgender behavior. Don't you think it would've worn off by now?"

I seek out others' diverse experiences. E.g. I feel embarrassed sometimes about sewing, but I know a guy whose literal degree is in costuming. I ain't calling him less of a man for that. Why am I bringing that on myself?

How is this thought functioning in my head? E.g. If I call myself pathetic, do I really think I'm pathetic, or do I want to curl up and sleep and "pathetic" is the quickest way to demotivate me to my bed? Why not not call myself "pathetic", and just treat myself nice and rest instead?

Mindfulness:

"It's just a thought." "It's just a sensation." "This is a sensation [reflect back the sensation to the spot of the sensation, so it knows you heard it]." Know that a thought or sensation is independent of a gender. (Gender is like "the flame unbound.")

Watch the sensation, feel the way your body reacts to it, and don't feed the beast. Just watch. Imagine yourself in a zoo, with a nice big trench between you and the animals. The flesh and thoughts will do their own thing, but you're safely protected from them.

Reality is reality is reality. As Galileo said, when the church insisted their doctrine otherwise, "and yet, it moves." You can think whatever thoughts you have. Other people can say any words they can form their mouths around. Your body can shiver and throb and become nauseated and ache -- None of these change what your gender is. Your gender is the vessel (which sometimes may change itself), and the experiences flow through it.

Rationalization:

"This is dysphoria. This is just what happens when you're brain's expecting one thing and your body's expecting something else."

"It sucks, but you're going to have to deal with it for X long, so you might as well try not to suffer twice by feeding into it."

"Yeah, sometimes it's gonna hurt and/or feel humiliating. Oh well. That's not gonna change your gender; you have other things to worry about."

"My gender can take care of itself right now."

Cultivating Patience:

This is going to take X number of years, or I'm going to have to live with a certain thing for t long. That's just the way things work.

No body is stagnant and without change. No perception is stagnant and without change. Ergo, this feeling of dysphoria, as are all things, is temporary.

See how you feel in 10 minutes/30 minutes/the afternoon/tomorrow. And then you can use an additional coping skill. (My genderfluidity makes this one even more flexible, but thoughts and feelings are themselves mercurial.)

Disassociation:

Read a book.

Scroll through social media (generally not trans content, because that can feed it, but sometimes trans content).

Write.

Walk outside.

Do some laundry.

Vacuum (I hate the vacuum noise, but now I'm bitching about that instead).

Deal with the other aforementioned life tasks that have you stuck here.

Sleep.

Give yourself some time to laze around in bed and just drift.

Go find some friends or call your most-talkative friend with a bunch of petty problems (when you're around other people, you can focus on them and not your gender).

Spite:

I know that there are trans people who've lost years of their lives because of the pain their dysphoria has caused them. I've lost evenings/afternoons/experiences from it too. I have no idea what my middleschool and highschool life would've been if I'd just known, or not had to deal with it. That being said, I'll be damned if it keeps me in bed and losing my life.Sometimes that means showering with my eyes open and the lights on when I don't want to (sometimes, what I see isn't that bad, and it's my head that was worse). Sometimes that means forcing myself out of bed and stumbling around in my comfort hoodie and sweats with my head down -- but at least I'm getting groceries or something.

People who hate trans people getting healthcare generally want to see us go away/disappear/not exist -- some folks by any means necessary. Them holding up care is to make our lives harder and for us to go away. Fuck them. Fuck the state systems. I'm not spending 2+ years bemoaning not looking or sounding like I want to stay home and not do something, just because I'm going to have to wait.

This is a system I've built up over a number of years, listening to bunches of trans peoples' experiences, and going to school for actual psychology. But it works pretty well, and I started at a low-dysphoria place to begin with, so I've been able to tackle symptoms as they've arisen, largely.

(I just realized this is the meme where the ADHD person says they don't have trouble with losing things because they have A System, and the neurotypical person has no idea what A System is...and the A System is itself a signal the person has ADHD. So. I don't have dysphoria. I have A System.)

I will say the dysphoria I deal with now isn't from the same sources I've dealt with in the past, largely. A number of sources I didn't realize made me dysphoric until they went away (or I'd quietly phased them out of my life without realizing it). I also like what Abigail Thorn says about dysphoria: It doesn't exist. Not that the sensations or dissatisfaction isn't there, but that the gap between who one imagines themself to be and who one is is a gap all people have to deal with, not just trans people. Cis people feel the same sort of self-consciousness when a cis woman grows hair on her face as a trans woman. You are not alone, and the systems and circumstances of history have merely added different labels to the universal struggles.

And then I like to pay attention to what does make me happy.

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[thatlowiqbabe]

Hi! I was wondering if you could write something for HoO boys being your boy friend? Also, do you think it’s possible for you to do a trans (ftm) hispanic demiboy? Thanks!

Oh yeah sure! As a Demi-Boy it's my duty!

This is over 900 words so there's gonna be a part two (sorry bout that)

HOO Boys with A Hispanic!Demi-Boy! S/O

Frank Zhang

"Wait your a demi-boy? Like cause you're a demi-god orr"

"Oh okay, totally unrelated gotcha."

You probably came out to Frank after the Son of neptune, scared you'd never get the chance to tell him.

He asked some silly questions but obviously accepted you! He would do more research via internet but demi-gods and phones don't mix

(What do you mean he's been asking other trans demi-gods how to better understand, you obviously got the wrong chinese-canadian shape-shifting son of mars)

Anyway he loves you, and tries to switch pronouns often ❤️ (if you use multiple)

If you're ever feeling dysphoric, he'll turn into an cuddly animal of your choice to make you feel better.

Will turn into a bear and (threaten to)  eat a transphobe

(They probably taste funny lol)

(If you're bilingual) You, him and Jason sit in a circle and speak in spanish, canadian french, and latin, knowing damn well y'all don't understand each other.

Y'all be looking like this

Don't even try having Thanksgiving with him

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

".... I'm canadian."

"Oh, uhhh happy thursday then??"

Like sir, do you want some turkey or not?

Jason Grace

"So wait, if you're a demi-god and a demi-boy do they like cancel each other out?"

"I- baby no—"

"Can I call you God-Boy?"

Y'all give him a minute, boy brain ain't right after getting knocked out so many times 🤣

Being called God-Boy does make you feel powerful ngl

You probably "dated" during hoo, and after you started dating for real came out to him.

Uses both pronouns, like every other paragraph. (If you use multiple)

If you're a greek demi-god, he loves to take you over to Camp Jupiter, and take you on tours around the parthenon and go on dates

If you're roman, he takes you out to Camp half-blood and maybe even tour manhattan!

(Gotta be a group date though, he's been at Camp Jupiter since he was 3 and only left on quests, he don't know where he going)

(If your bilingual) He'll teach you latin if you teach him spanish! It's always cool to know another language, especially if you're partner speaks it.

If you're dysphoric, y'all take naps together.

You don't have to stress, whatever's outside can wait a while, right now it's just you and him ❤️

You're his little God-Boy, he loves you

What do you mean he specifically asked to do whatever chores you had that day? Uh-huh couldn't be him 🛑🖐️ stop playing

Don't let him meet your mortal parent

Boy be so nervous he don't know what to do

"Jason, dear could you pass me the (fav. Food) "

"Yes  (Mr./Mrs/Mx.) L/n, I will have a ham sandwich "

"..."

"..."

"..."

He left with a ham sandwich and a red face

He got invited back over, so it wasn't too bad tho lol

Leo Valdez

He already knew you were a demi-boy!

You probably came out to Leo before y'all started dating, and maybe before y'all knew you were demi-gods, he just has that "yes I'd beat a bitch's ass and lose, and what about it?" Energy y'know??

Obviously you could trust him.

Will try to to use both pronouns, but might stick with one for a while before switching it up and then sticking to one again

Y'all probably talk shit about people together honestly.

Let's be honest, if you were bilingual, with a boyfriend who was also bilingual, and y'all didn't like this one person you'd talk shit right in front of them.

If you're really petty you'd make it obvious too.

If you're ever feeling some dysphoria, don't worry cause Leo got dis-for-ya!

Iamsosorry

But seriously he'll build you tiny trinkets and stuff to help you feel better

Greatifyoureahoarderlikemelol

If you want, you could help him with building, or even build something yourself!

(You: somehow builds a bomb or something equally dangerous

Leo:

)

Y'all like to make smores, and probably sing the campfire song from spongebob while doing it

(Whether it's on Leo or an actual campfire depends on y'all mood)

"OUR C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E  S-O-N-G SONG"

"Hey, you did it without stuttering this time!"

Nico di Angelo

"So you trans your gender??"

"Uh no, I'm transgender, it doesn't work like that—"

"How do you trans your gender?? Is it a like a process to get your gender trans or does it happen all at once?"

This boy a whole boomer, lord have mercy 😭🖐️

Growing up in early 1900's he doesn't really understand, but he'll try.

If he feels like he's bothering you with too many with questions, he'll go bother Annabeth instead.

Uses both pronouns, despite not knowing how you can have more than one. (If you use multiple)

Will do his best to get rid of any internalized transphobia he might have. Even if he grew up around Bianca, it was a hateful time back then and he might have biases.

You're dysphoric, but how??

He understands how dysphoria works, as much as it pains him to know that you're hurting, he didn't understand how it could effect someone like you.

You were much braver than he was, not being outed and actually coming out on your own. You were the man you said you were and more.

Sometimes y'all just lay down outside under a tree and he'll sing to you.

(Y'all know I'm talking about Soldatino don't even play)

Those days can go from bad to okay to great, depending on what y'all do afterward.

Sometimes y'all go out to eat at McDonald's via shadow travel, and I hope you got cash cause the seven gonna want some too lol (this includes Rachel and Will btw)

"So you're ordering (big af order) to go, for just the two of you?"

"We're eating for nine."

"No baby we're eating for eleven remember?"

Cashier, who's just trying to earn they minimum wage:

I don't know how to end this lol

Um part 2 will be out soon, maybe like a day from now if I don't forget lol

Thank you for requesting! I hope it was up to your standards, if not then I hope you enjoyed it anyway, cause I enjoyed writing it!

If you're interested in my writing pls request, I only have one other to do so it might be done soon!

Also, I hope Leo's bilingual hc isn't offensive in anyway. I'm just realizing how rude that may sound. If it is I'll write a new one. I'm not bilingual but if I was that's what I'd do. Again, I hope I didn't come off as ignorant on that hc.

[feather-dancer]

Now Ghosts he left behind Chapter 3 has been out nearly a couple of weeks suppose now is an acceptable amount of time to go on about ~*themes*~ that have been cropping up in the fic so far that aren’t at all plot relevant but are still important things I want to do justice to: LGBT+ rep and mental health particularly centred around anxiety. Understandably the following will contain spoilers I can’t avoid it, sorry!

~~~

Mental health

It probably doesn’t come as too big a surprise on the latter front, after all in the second chapter of the Strickler fic I tagged for unhealthy coping mechanisms which are loosely based on my own which also happened to have a reference at the end of the second chapter in Ghost!AU showing how far he’d come since then. Now I’ve read some excellent fics on the PTSD front, a few on dysphoria regarding the change from human to half troll but in regards to anxiety many seem to fall into the trap of thinking somebody is a bit more skittish or that it just gives you a more nervous nature. As somebody who has generalised anxiety myself, I really wish it was that simple.

In this fic’s case the anxiety is being heavily tangled in the dysphoria of the change where he’s left alone to process everything while being hit with reminders of what he no longer is thus putting more fuel on the pyre as a result. In a stressful situation (Sometimes not even then!) it can get stuck in a loop of self-created belief such as here Merlin kept him away deliberately though we know this isn’t the case and will warp reality/memories to fit like how he misremembers that Merlin also said his visions are imperfect if there’s nothing to snap you out of it then those spirals often lead to panic attacks or worse a full breakdown. Here his brain is trying to make sense of the impossible, jumping to the most logical conclusion it can come up with and through bad luck has this very wrong thought process that he’s a threat to everyone else. Having been on one or two of these they really do suck! Quite often dissociation goes hand in hand whether you’re aware of it happening or not and thus far he’s had a couple bouts that he’s dubbing blackouts currently. There is also the classic ‘background’ noise variant where for no real reason your fight / flight reflex is jammed on when it feels like it though Jim as shown by the CBD techniques at the start of chapter 3 is doing his best to keep a handle on those spiking too far and Claire mentions he taught her a few to help out to show that his friends know and he is able to talk about it without feeling the need to hide in plain sight every waking moment. If you’re forced to stealth you get frighteningly good about hiding full blown panic attacks and it’s not a healthy situation to be in.

On Toby’s end he mentions a specific situation where anxiety was likely involved before Jim was diagnosed. In it when confronted with a situation option a was bad, option b was worse and there was no good outcomes because his brain got stuck on those. He also mentions being moral support helping get Jim into a position that he would be able to go home but refused to leave him alone until he was sure he was okay. It’s worth pointing out he figured the reason everything kicked off was the ‘problem’ of coming out to Barbara and her not reacting well (Which was an understandable conclusion!) and only later realised anxiety was what made the entire thing even worse and he unintentionally did the right thing to help. Barbara also mentions Jim being on medication for it, the original ones to mysteriously stop working which are implied to be while Toby was pretending to be Jim then moved onto another treatment which was brought up via Strickler’s concern about going cold turkey. As much as anxiety freaking sucks I felt it was important to show that nothing in relation to it is treated as abnormal, it is simply life with having your brain being a bit on the funky side and that sometimes makes you think illogically. It’s not your fault when it happens.

~~~

LGBT+

When I began writing this fic one thing I wanted from the get go is that characters who are LGBT+ are not forced into a scenario created by the plot to out them to the reader/someone else nor signposted in a cheap way to score points because even when you’re with friends who know you’re not saying it every two seconds and even more so when in a stressful circumstance where your son/best friend is currently missing. With this thought in mind, Jim has always been written as Trans but prior to Chapter 3 I simply had no way to bring it up because right now he’s too busy freaking out about being a half troll to notice if anything is different and on this same coin, Claire is Bi while Toby is Pan with a bonus order of trying to figure himself out. There’s others too! Sadly much like confirming Jim is also Bi I’ve not had a way to naturally bring it up as yet if I will at all but they are being written with it in mind.

Jim was a trickier one to bring up because he’s not about to vouch for himself so it was a much easier route to instead hint drop and hope one if not all of them clicked with a reader who he is without any of them being done in a way that could come across as dickish. Barbara got the first two with mentioning Jim should know better about using a given name in regards to Not!Enrique and a second one in regards to another form of medication he’s taking but because she didn’t know if Strickler knew (Incidentally he does) thus she deliberately phrased it vaguely and was ready for the possibility of upset without outing her son because she’s a good parent!! Toby is who gets the rest through a roundabout way mentioning how bad his pre-medicated anxiety could be when he came out as mentioned in the previous section and a second time where he says he didn’t care what he looked like because Jim is always Jim to him. The final important note was how he specifically said that he would not second party exactly what happened because it’s Jim’s choice if he tells her or not. We love and support good friends in this house.

Then there was the inclusion of the river troll Trisantona who is marked as non-binary by calling themselves the child of and the kids think absolutely nothing of it and are more annoyed with their attitude than anything else. Personally I see many trolls and changelings particularly very eh about gender and wanted a little implication they are far from the first troll they’ve encountered who doesn’t fit a human binary so it doesn’t even register as unusual. 

In Claire’s case she had two hints, the first bring a straight joke because it might be low hanging fruit but it’s hilarious I can’t help it while the second was her commentary on Toby’s reactions to name drops because she couldn’t resist teasing him. Small but both very deliberate.

Toby in the meanwhile has been having hint drops since chapter 2 which has only continued in how he keeps comparing reactions Claire is causing to what Jim does to him then you get him openly telling Claire about how it feels like his heart is a bunch of apartments and can the world stop having so many good-looking people in it. That ties in with the two mentions of doing research for a word he hasn’t quite got yet but he’s mostly been sidetracked by everything going on right now.

Homophobia, biphobia and particularly transphobia is rife and only increasing in this country where it feels like every week it’s only getting worse. While in the grand scheme of things it’s probably inconsequential it is important to be the change you want to see in the world. Mine? Even in this mess of an angst fic I want to showcase LGBT+ peeps who are treated as they should be with love and support by friends, family and strangers alike. Being Trans, Bi or whichever label that particular character uses it is simply part of who they are and not a character trait slapped on afterwards for easy points plus if I see one more fic where a Trans character gets outted to others without their consent because the author figured that’s the only way you can do it I’ll go feral.

In a completely unrelated note Douxie is non-binary Panromatic Ace in everything I write and anybody who doesn’t like that can suck it.

[villlainarc]

From the Gutter to the Stars

Summary: Virgil’s night is going terribly, but dysphoria does that to you sometimes. It’s fine. He’s all alone and he’s tired and he wants to hide from the world and himself, but he’ll be fine.

(Virgil is not fine. At least, not until his friends pay him a visit at three in the morning and remind him that he will be.)

Pairings: Anxceitmus/DRLAMP/LAMP (written to be platonic, but can be read romantically if you so choose)

Warnings: dysphoric thoughts, self-loathing, one (1) swear word

Word Count: 1922

Notes: slightly late, but this is for @figurative-siren-song because he’s wonderful and deserves all the happiness in the world :D

_________________________

Virgil couldn’t sleep. Having to deal with your own thoughts did that to you sometimes, and he really didn’t appreciate that it did.

His night had started out perfectly fine, sure, but that was before he’d looked in the mirror and seen his face and everything that came with it. He’d sent a venomous look at his delicate nose and long lashes, his lips that were too full and too pink and not right, his waist that was too small, his hips that were too wide, and his hair that was becoming far, far too long for his taste, but each of those features had remained stubbornly on his body. And his chest— Virgil didn’t even want to think about his chest. He shuddered, wishing that his gaze had truly managed to poison every part of him that didn’t belong.

Drawing his knees to his chest, Virgil hid his head between them and squeezed his eyes shut as though that would stop him from being as awful and ugly as he was. It didn’t, of course, and the only thing it succeeded in doing was burning a too-vivid image of each of his flaws into the back of his eyelids. Virgil hugged his legs closer.

There was no comfort to be found alone in his room, but that was okay. Virgil had gotten through bouts of dysphoria like this before, and he’d been alone then just as he was now. This too would pass, and he would be fine.

That didn’t make thinking any less nausea-inducing, but the empty comfort did remind him to breathe just a bit more slowly.

Then he was restless again, his mind moving too fast, too fast, too fast and he needed to do something. Normally, Virgil would blast music and block out his thoughts for a little while, but it was past three in the morning. He doubted anyone would appreciate being woken up, and he knew from experience that headphones would only make him feel more trapped in a body that he refused to think of as his own.

So Virgil was left with nothing but his empty room, utterly alone and pacing across a floor alight with beams of moonlight that had managed to slip through a crack in his curtains, his mind alight with the spark of thoughts he wanted—needed—to get rid of.

He’d only been pacing a few minutes when Virgil begrudgingly admitted to himself that it was doing nothing.

He needed to do something else, something that would distract him from the fact that he was too short, his hands and fingers to lithe and small, his—

Virgil took a breath. What he needed to do was breathe.

His friends. The other sides. Logan, Roman, Patton—any one of them or all three. They could help him, he was sure of it. All he had to do was ask. All he had to do was knock on one of their doors. All he had to do was admit out loud that he wasn’t created right and be vulnerable and become even more of a burden than he currently was.

That was going to be a hard pass on his part, now that he thought about it.

Deceit and Remus wouldn’t need any sort of explanation though, and he’d grown up with them. If anyone could help, it would be them.

It really was too bad, then, that he’d abandoned them.

So no, he definitely was not dealing with that.

Coping mechanisms, then. Those should help, right? Right.

Music was already out, and so was pacing. Journaling would only make him more aware of thoughts he was desperate to ignore, and so would meditation and grounding exercises.

Coloring might help distract him for a while, he thought. At least, he thought that until he remembered that coloring was an activity done by little girls and he was not a little girl.

Then coloring was out too, apparently. He could add another patch to his hoodie? But that would mean taking it off, and he really couldn’t do that right now.

Fidget cube? No, that would do about as much as the pacing had—meaning it would do absolutely nothing.

He could put on his binder, but his chest already felt too tight and he could barely breathe as it was.

He could…

He could…

Virgil didn’t know what he could do. He sat back down on his bed and curled in on himself, defeated by his own mind.

A small voice chose that moment to pipe up that his friends would really be helpful right now, but Virgil shoved it back down. Nope. He wouldn’t bother his new friends and risk ruining those fragile relationships forever, and he couldn’t face his old ones. Instead, he would stay locked in the silence of his room and trapped at the same time in the deafening noise of his mind.

Well. At least, he would after he got a drink of water. It was the least he could do for this wretched body of his he supposed, and besides—he could try to sleep once more after that. The glass of water might even help him in that regard.

Quietly, Virgil padded across the floor to his door, opening it just a crack to check that he was alone in his wakefulness. Satisfied by the empty space that greeted him, he opened it the rest of the way and made his way to the kitchen, guided by the dim light of the refrigerator.

As he was reaching up to grab a glass from a cabinet, Virgil heard a noise. Startled, he pulled his hand back to his chest and spun around, wide eyes searching for any and every possible source of it. He squinted out at the dark void ahead of him. “Hello?”

When no response came after a few seconds, Virgil turned back to the cabinet with a slightly confused frown lingering on his face. He shook his head, concluding that he’d simply been hearing things. This time when he reached for a glass, he was able to put it on the counter before there was another noise.

Spinning around again, Virgil mused to himself that it had sounded like— no. It probably wasn’t, so he wouldn’t get his hopes up. Still seeing nothing, he took the glass from where he’d set it down, walking over to the fridge to fill it up.

“Boo.”

It took everything in Virgil not to let out an earsplitting shriek and deck the person who had snuck up behind him square in the face. He had just enough self-control to avoid doing that though, so instead, both his hands shot to cover his mouth as the glass he’d been holding fell to the floor, forgotten in his panic.

As though in slow motion a hand shot out to catch it a split second before it shattered on the tile. The owner of the hand let out a sigh. “I did say not to scare him, didn’t I?”

“And I said it would be fine, didn’t I?”

“And you were wrong, as per usual. Just as I’d said you would be.”

“Oh, come on, DeeDee! Nothing’s broken, right?”

“No thanks to you.”

Before either of them could say anything else, Virgil hissed out, “Hi, so sorry to interrupt this absolutely vital conversation, but why the fuck are you here?”

“Are we not allowed to visit our friend when his half-hearted lies and intrusive, dysphoric thoughts are so tangible that we know he’s not doing well?” Remus pouted.

Virgil blinked. “Your what now?”

“Friend,” Deceit repeated for him, sounding every inch the exhausted mom they were. “We were far too close to let a little disagreement like that get in the way of anything. Now, surely you didn’t think that just because you abandoned us unceremoniously we weren’t friends anymore, did you?”

“…No, that was exactly what I thought, and for a good reason! I didn’t even say goodbye when I left, I had no reason to think we were still…” Virgil made a vague gesture with his hands. “You know.”

“Friends?” Remus asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Yeah. That.”

“Come now, Virgil. We were family, and family doesn’t abandon family. Especially not when they’re at their lowest and most alone.”

“Yeah, but I abandoned you.”

“Yeah, and we forgive you. But you were gonna say sorry soon, weren’t you?”

“Remus, for once could you not—”

“No, he’s right. I— I am sorry. I don’t know why I just— left like that. There’s no excuse for that, and I guess I wanted to—”

“Shh, darling. We don’t need an explanation right now. We’re here for you anyway, aren’t we, Remus?”

“Yep! I’ve got the best Buzzfeed Unsolved episodes ready for us back in my room, and there are snacks, and—”

“Actually, can we just… stay here for now?”

“Absolutely, dear.”

“Mhm, agreed. Besides, I see a couch that looks absolutely perfect for cuddles, so I think that’s exactly what we should do.”

Virgil gives a shaky smile. “Yeah, that sounds nice.”

With that permission given, Remus promptly picked up Virgil bridal style and collapsed backward into the couch with a laugh, motioning for Deceit to join them. They did so, settling themself down primly next to Remus and watching their two friends fondly.

Then Remus dragged them into the impromptu cuddle pile and, dignity having been ripped violently from their grasp, Deceit allowed themself to relax into it. They did try to fight it, slithering upright a little bit more, but then they rested their head on Remus’s shoulder and took Virgil’s hand into theirs, so it was safe to say that their dignity truly was long gone. “Do you want to talk to us about anything?” they asked, running a thumb comfortingly over the back of Virgil’s hand.

“Not right now. I think I’m just going to—” Virgil paused to yawn, “—try and sleep for now. Thank you guys though, really.”

“We’ll still be here in the morning, Virgey. We aren’t going anywhere.”

And they didn’t, holding Virgil close to their chests until morning dawned, remaining on the couch even after Patton stopped short at the scene in front of him, even after Logan brought over one steaming cup of coffee for each of them, even after Roman almost woke Virgil with the loud announcement of his arrival, even after all three of them had joined Remus and Deceit in the living room with Virgil. They would all wait there until he woke up, and then they would assure him that they could and would be there for him at any hour of the day if need be. They’d remind him of his broad shoulders and strong jaw, his muscled arms and his voice that was growing lower by the day. They’d remind him that no matter what he thought and no matter how much his body didn’t feel like his own, he was handsome inside and out. They would tell Virgil how much they loved him, and how they were so glad that he was who he was, flaws and all.

And Virgil would smile, blissfully content with who he was.

For now though, they let him sleep. He was smiling there, all wrapped up in Remus’s arms with his head resting on Deceit’s shoulder, and no one was going to do anything to wreck that peaceful smile of his.

Besides, they all loved him—his new family and his old—so they would always wait for however long it took to tell him so.

_________________________

find other stuff i’ve written under #writings from the stars

[primedspecimen]

💠 ( i'm curious about junkrat's mental state, since i seem to recall him hearing voices. do you have a specific set of diagnosis in mind for him?)

💠 Is there a Headcanon about my muse you want to know more about? Ask away!

So technically speaking, he’d more typically only have one overarching diagnosis and the rest would be considered symptoms (though there is a thing called comorbidity, more often than not, everything else besides the ‘main’ disorder is considered symptoms). But I like to express with multiple separate ones to get a better overall view of his mental state and instabilities!

So to start!

ADHD - Rat has ADHD. He suffers from almost an equal amount of inattentiveness and hyperactivity. While it’s not completely absent, he doesn’t suffer as bad with rejection sensitive dysphoria. He used to be a lot worse, which partly manifested as his scrappy tendencies. Now he’s really only sensitive when it comes to people he likes or at least considers an acquaintance in a positive light.

Schizophrenia - So not only does radiation sometimes bring on symptoms of psychosis or even dredge up the symptoms of someone who actually has the disorder but it hasn’t really come to light yet, but Schizophrenia runs in his family. His father actively suffered from it and his mother was a carrier. Being exposed to radiation at a young age didn’t help, and spurred it on sooner than it might have otherwise taken. Thankfully, it usually only comes on when he’s super stressed, though it’s been known to happen when he’s not. Stress psychotic episodes are much worse than the occasional whispering and shadows. His hallucinations are primarily auditory. He doesn’t often suffer from delusions of grandeur, but he does often fall into paranoia spirals. It’s incredibly rare that they reach the point where Hog isn’t trusted but it has happened.

SPD - Sensory processing disorder, specifically the Sensory Modulation subtype! This one’s more in the realm of physicality, but it’s worth mentioning. There are three categories that can be a thing in one person: Sensory Over-Responsivity, Sensory Under-Responsivity, and Sensory Craving. Over-responsivity means that sometimes, certain tactile sensations or textures will cause an incredibly visceral response, be it good or bad. If he likes the sensation, he’ll feel it real intense and just. Enjoy it. If he doesn’t, you’ll fuckin’ know. He’ll definitely react super noticeably. One of the things he really enjoys is petting Sushi, as his fur texture is super pleasant for him. Under-responsivity means that sometimes, tactile sensations or textures will hardly be felt at all. While it isn’t the whole reason for it, it’s part of the reason his pain tolerance is so high. It’s like some people I’ve known that will like burn their fucking arms or gash open their finger and not even notice it until they see it with their eyeballs (starin’ at my current and last partners, gdi). Sensory craving is pretty self explanatory, but I’ll explain anyway. This means he has an almost insatiable need for sensory input. He’ll bump things, touch them, move constantly, and it can cause like hyper affection. More stimuli doesn’t sate the craving. Along with being touch starved, it’s why he is almost always touching Hog in some capacity.I’m not sure how well I’ve explained them, so here’s a link that has them written out a bit better.

Tonic Clonic/Grand mal - This is, again, not really a mental condition, but due to the radiation, he can be prone to having tonic clonic/grand mal seizures when under extreme duress.

Dissociation - He sometimes dissociates to the point where he isn’t sure he’s real. Chazz once described one of his own dissociative stints as if he was doing everything through a VR helmet. This is true for Rat. It happens a lot when he has no outlet for his energy and stunted emotional responses.

PTSD - While he hasn’t really seen war, he’s been through a lot. Some serious bullying throughout his childhood, being the one to find his mother dead in her bed, enforcers beating the fuck out of him for his taxes or to reveal anything at all about the treasure he found, surviving entirely on his own for two years before meeting Hog, dodging bounty hunters and Junkers and other gangs, nearly starving to death… hell, the loss of his leg can be super fucky. Grounding him can be difficult sometimes, as from time to time when he’s brought out of any flashbacks, a small bout of psychosis follows and he hallucinates hardcore. It usually only lasts a few moments, though. Sometimes he gets the nightmares and, less frequently, night terrors. Sometimes they’re straight up flashbacks and other times they’re distorted and abstract, but the feelings line up. Often, he dissociates. His most frequent and noticeable sign is mood changes and his visceral reactions to reminders of the events. Hell, even if he doesn’t consciously remember them, something in him does. He can be a handful if he’s having an ‘episode’.

I feel like I’m forgetting some so I might have to revisit this one, but from the top of my head, here it is!

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

It's like everytime some shit goes bad or I feel wronged, my head starts spiraling, spinning like grandma's record player.

Thinking bout Jay, Ayunna, Terrell, Tatyana, My old jobs, sometimes in that exact order...

Just anything that pisses me off or feels similar and I'm ready to strike again, I'm ready to beat some ass for making my heart feel cold, feel numb like this.

The idea that people don't care about my well being, my mental health, just like these 4 idiots.

I want them executed from my life, burned like witches at the stake for causing me pain in my brain, my heart, the headaches....the tears I don't tell anybody about from remembering every single little thing about when they wronged me, they played me, Jay pushed me away, taty pushed me off of her and told me she didn't want me to touch her, Ayunna using me and Jay not caring cause they were doing it too....Its like I can't even yell at them anymore or tell them how it feels to be hurt a year or more after they hit me on my back. That spot Jay hit me at....

I'll always remember and that's what sucks. And these assholes don't even give a fuck because it's not their pain.

If they could take a walk in my shoes, with my enormous brain remembering everything and everything playing in my head like silly school children in my class, talking about my past, what I wanna be, where I wanna be, and then time is calling you but you don't even know if you're actually in the wrong class or distracted from what's the truth.

I hate looking through bad mirrors, they make you see that I chose to be with them all. All four of them and I did not like it. I dated Terrell to get over the fact that Jay didn't want a commitment with me but still wanted me to be the groupie, the friend, dragging me in, leading me on whenever I would try to actually get the relationship I deserved. A real life, hugging, loving, kissing boyfriend from which I thought was him, I thought it was Teddy and it wasn't right. He ended up revealing his true self that he tried to hide from me, and all I ever wanted to do with him was to forget Jay, stop liking Jay, and be treated to a date by somebody who actually wants to kiss me whenever we want to, hold my hand, walk me down the street, proud to claim me and make me feel special, like it was just him and me. And Teddy cuddled me all night long, he even hugged me. Sex felt so much nicer with him because he let me do whatever I wanted to with him and we even did public stuff. Like there was no rules and I was so happy to be finally treated and wanted that 1st couple of weeks with him. Jay never let me do any of that with them because of Ayunna, but real talk I think it was because of Jay's dysphoria and intimacy issues as the reason why we never made out, never held hands, and Jay only hugged me once out of 2yrs of us being friends and I've never met a person who had such a serious against, against approach to commitment, sex, kissing, or even just me asking them some personal questions about their past. It was like they were so scared for me to see them without the masks on masks they wear around Ayunna and especially other people's families.

Jay wasn't the right man I was looking for to have a family with, even though I got so close to them, but they weren't close to me. Only time Jay revealed something was when they figured I was gonna leave or date somebody else.

which also leads to my other rebound Taty, who I just blocked on insta cause I hate seeing her face now since she won't do the reciprocal courtesy of returning me my only hoodie from College. I want it back cause it's mine, and I alreadypaid $10 to get hers sent back. She's slow and petty. and it's already been a year since I broke up with her. At first I thought we could be friends after breakup, but I realized her being the nicest girl.....at first.....then switching up on me, blowing me off, not talking, ignoring texts for hrs just to play video games after I already waited to text her when she usually got up at 3pm or 5pm due to her lupus....that should have ended sooner because I wanted a gf to do gf stuff with, like yes, serious relationship with somebody who actually went out of their way to sow me a handmade pillow by herself and even wrote a beautiful love letter, like I always wanted to have from someone who means alot to me. Poetry included.

I really thought taty wouldn't let me down and was serious about me like she had meant in her gifts and attention in the beginning. I didn't like how after she told me her depression was making her disconnect from me, that she goes and hangs out with her friends more, not really making plans with me anymore, like I was the one planning quality time...

And she didn't care how that made me feel and I felt so alone about it. Like they went on a trip up in the great lakes and she didn't think to ask me if I wanted to come and other people bfs went....like wow

Slowly cutting me off, like if you were losing interest in me why not say so, so I could end it earlier?

And then she goes to tell me she's dating her married friend, whose wedding we were supposed to go to together. Like no wonder, you blew off quality time with me to go stay at her house after the bridal shower? And I took a 40 min ride all the way up there to come see you....like get your priorities straight.

Obviously I didn't matter that much to you, so yea I broke up with you.

There's only so many times I can tolerate being blown off or pushed away and then I go ghost, I go cold and numb, and yes the truth is revealed, and then I turn into a bitch. And I hate getting like that. Especially if I'm over on the other side, by myself, cause weren't communicating with me.

And I hate her for that shit too. Cause she thinks she did nothing wrong. As if she has every right to keep my Hoodie, my personal property, just because you don't feel like it. Your grandma practically still takes care of you. We ain't a good match either.

so now I'm alone....no new friends yet....still bitching.

cause I don't know if the next time I trust somebody, are they gonna use me, make fun of me like JA, take my money, hurt my soul, and showoff that they care in front of my face, but really out here doing shit behind your back for themselves...

I don't trust anybody right now, not even family so much too. And I don't wanna go down that road.

Maybe I just need to go in the gym like Hodgetwins and get so swollen and buffed up that it won't matter how exes used to treat you in your old body. They can't disrespect in my new one, cause Imma feel 10x better, and 10x stronger than before. Cause I don't want no immature, shallow fuckboats try to treat love like its a business or a silly little ass girl who don't even know the 1st thing about true, mature relationships like I've seen or had to deal with all by myself.

I've never had a partner who treated me like their future was present and that I was the only woman they needed in their life to really make my dream of real true love come true. And I'm disappointed in everybody who let me down and to believing that the right one for me is gonna treat me right, and not hurt me like the dumb bitches they all were. I hate them for that. They make me wanna give up my love for love and just work without even really going for anything because it's scary.

It's scary knowing that even when someone who asks you out, tells you they like you, hugs you and kisses you, can switch up on you and not think you're the one that whole experience you were with them.

I trusted everyone and they hurt me right back.

And they didn't care

And I can't make them see that, how unfair it was to be always waiting, being treated like I was so unwanted, but just want me to be there when they wanted me to.

It hurts that I can't call or see Jay face to face to actually get closure on why the fuck did you play with my head for so long and my heart for so many years, while you jeopardized every sexual relationship I'll ever have later on in life because I can't trust another man, another girl, who kisses me or even touches me because I'll always think I need to wait or runaway before they hurt me like you did me. Lying to me with a smile, a kiss meant nothing to you, but it did to me and you knew that. You steady manipulated and led me on, thinking that we could just move on from the damage because you didn't want to say sorry or treat me better, or do things right. You always acted like when I tried to call you out, I was too emotional, too sensitive when honestly the stuff that you said, the things you did, I could have sent you to jail for.

You're a dirty, low down thief, a tyrant, an opportunist. And I hate every single piece of shit who reminds me of you. The sociopathic, sadist, Narcissist with dissociative identity disorder that they probably need to see a psychiatrist for to get that checked every year. Jay abused me and used me, and I thought the power of love would have brought us together in peace, in good harmony, able to speak our minds freely and friendly, be on one accord with each other.

But Jay's too sick in the head to even care or even Apologize and own up to what they said. Felt like chutes and ladders, always going up and down and around my old self for them. Even bringing my child like self into the bedroom, the one I should have kept protected.

Jay is nothing but a coward, a weakling. Changing their name to escape the past they brought upon themselves or was inflicted on them by someone else. Never really showing who they truly are or who they care for, except Ayunna. Just like playing cards. They played themselves when they thought I could never change, I could never learn who they were, when they repeat the same moves in different stories.

Jay never thought that I could outgrow them and they not know where I am or who I'm bringing a baby home to, or who I am today. Jay needs help, medicine, therapy and a solid family home.

And I have to keep forgiving even on days like today when it's hard to not think about grandma and me not wanting to go to this interview because I don't need anymore pressure 🙃

..

[writing-rain-tea]

Beautiful Chaos (short story)

Note: There is a little homophobia at the end if this is a trigger for you then this might not be the best to read, but it isn’t too heavy.

Beautiful Chaos

All she could think about was kissing girls, and it was eating her alive. It started so long ago, nearly a year, yet still it was something that half made her loath herself and half put butterflies in her stomach. Either way it was so prominent- so there. It took up way more of her life than it should have; can her friend join this club? No. Because what if the friend notices her gawking at the girl she likes. Can she stand up against what that person said? No, because what if it sounds like she cares too much. So this is how it started, the deep rooted fear that someone would find out, or that she would accidently blurt it out while they were driving somewhere. This person, this girl who is taking up her entire line of consciousness just seemed so perfect. She’s out already of course, and in love with photography; she always had a camera on her. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is strawberry. The first time they talked was at one of the clubs meetings; they were partnering, and she couldn’t stop tapping her fingers on her desk. She was so nervous, and all she wanted to do was have a conversation. Sitting side by side their legs were touching, she could feel as the girl’s foot tapped, tapped, tapped. The next few times they saw each other were just nods and “hellos” in the hallway. However when the girl, Sara, gave her, Bea, a ride home, and they were standing on the front porch with no light because Bea’s parents always forgot the lights, they had their first real conversation.

Sara said “Would you wanna go out sometime, just like to the aquarium or something?”

And so Bea, as awkward as she was, shuffled her feet for a good minute trying to figure out whether or not it was a date. Then deciding it didn’t matter, she nodded and gave a quiet,  

“Yea, okay that sounds fun.”

“You know what I just realized Bea and yea are spelled the same but pronounced differently,” blurted Sara.

“Haha yea I guess so,” she said, before they both awkwardly glanced at each other and turned away. And it may sound funny, but things were pretty perfect right then.

In attempting to get ready for the “date”, she realized she didn’t even know where they were going. She didn’t know what to wear. She needed something that made her happy, but also made her feel confident, and made her hair look good. She wanted to wear a sundress, or her overall shorts- both yellow, both amazing. In the end, she decided on the overalls because they’re comfortable and easy to move in. When it came to hair, Bea stood in front of the mirror squirming. She could feel a bout of dysphoria start to kick in, and her nails dug into her palms. There would be cresent moon shaped cuts there later, but for now she has to keep the tingling sensation away.  When she felt blood on her finger, she knew she must have broken the skin. Uncurling her fists, she held her palms up to the mirror to see crescent shaped marks and cuts with little droplets of blood in a few places. So instead of continuing to examine her hands, she opens her cabinets looking for her scissors. She knows they're there, she used them last week for something stupid like cutting a tag. But now, with her hand in the drawer and her fingers gripping the scissors, she has her mind set on one thing. Picking them up, she looks at herself in the mirror. It’s funny. She only grew her hair long to battle her dysphoria in the first place, but this isn’t a rash decision. For the past few months, every time she has looked in the mirror she has felt her skin start to crawl; she wears her hair in a bun to compensate the discomfort. By now, her hair reaches all the way down her back nearly to her waist. She picks up the scissors and begins hacking her hair off - leaving just enough room for a barber to fix her mistakes. Snip, the hair falls down her shirt, onto the floor. Snip, Snip, Snip on and on until she has worked through all her hair, until it is cut at her shoulders and is fairley manageable. Smiling, she puts on some eyeshadow and walks out of the bathroom. She decides to leave the mess for after the “date”.

Hearing a car’s horn outside jars Bea, but just for a second, before she is running downstairs and out the front door, shouting “goodbyes” to her parents on her way.

As she hops into the car the first thing Sara says is “I love yellow.”

The second is “you cut your hair, it looks great. You look happier.” Bea smiled nodding her head in agreement. Sara turned the keys and pulled out of her driveway, onto the road.

“Where are we headed?” Bea asked.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Okay.”

After that she just closed her eyes, trying not to think about how she couldn’t tell anyone about going out with Sara and how her skin still felt like it was crawling, she focused on it too much, and how just a few days ago she was crying in the bathroom. And how now she was practically over the moon because she was on a “date” with the girl she liked. Bea pushed it out of her mind, out, out, out. Focusing instead on the feeling of her overalls , the soft fabric making everything better. She tried to draw on the last time she felt safe, at peace, or happy. Closing her eyes as they drove, she could feel little gasps of air and wind through the ever so slightly opened window of the truck. Hitting her arms and face, it made her hair stand ever so slightly on end. And for the moment, as the sun was setting, and everything was shining, the world was okay. Bea felt the car stop, she heard the window roll up and she opened her eyes- the Aquarium, perfect. She brought up fish a lot, and had definitely talked about them in their last conversation, but the fact the Sara remembered made it even more perfect. As Bea jumped out of the car, practically bouncing  on the tips of her toes, her excitement was evident and Sara just smiled. She grabbing Bea’s hand and pulling her towards the ticket line. Bea could see fish from the outside and everything was so bright! With their tickets in hand, they ran through the maze of ropes to get them scanned. At the end, they quickly passed their tickets on, and were ready to continue when a lady stopped them.

“Do you want your picture taken?” she asked earnestly.

Glancing towards Sara, Bea tilted her head, “Do you want to?”  

“Hell Yes!” she responded, “We are going to get everything out of this experience possible!”  

Smiling, she nodded her head and turned towards the lady, “We would love to have our photo taken.”

They were standing up in front of the blue screen with fish drawn on as they smiled for the photo. It was handed to Sara who passed it on to Bea, “ You keep it, okay?”

Looking down at the photo, she could see that the yellow of her clothes made her look sunny- happy, and her smile looked so genuine. Sara wasn’t looking at the camera, instead she had been looking down at Bea with a bright smile. Perfect.

Tucking the photo carefully into her bag, Bea grinned, “Okay let’s go look at some fishies.”

“Sounds great to me.”

The night went by quickly as they walked through each exhibit and saw fish, sharks, turtles, jellyfish, sting-rays, and so much more. Bea took every opportunity to pet the animals: the shark with rough skin, the jellyfish that was soft and delicate, the horseshoe crabs, and smooth stingray. The last thing they decided to go to before leaving was the mermaid show. It was fun, though slightly childish.  

The only awkward moment was when Sara commented, “I could be one of the mermaids right?”  

Bea answered too quickly without filtering herself and said, “ You definitely exceed the amount of prettiness needed.” She could feel herself blushing to her roots and turning tomato red.  “I-I’m sorry,” she stuttered.  

In response, Sara grabbed her hand, gripping it tight enough to show everything was okay, but not so hard that her ring would be digging into her finger. Swinging their hands, they walked towards the gift shop.

At the same time, they both gasped. Bea tugged on Sara’s hand to bring them into the gift shop’s back corner, and ducked behind the stuffed animals. In the meantime, Sara stuttered.

“Your hands, I-I what happ- happened to them,” she finally managed to get out. “And what was that, why’d you pull us out of there?” she said much more clearly.  

Swallowing, and then diverting her eye for a moment to catch her breath, she was trying not to have a panic or anxiety attack. Breathe In. Breathe Out. Bea wanted to make the effort, to explain everything; she really liked this girl.

Bea knew she could get up and walk away. Not look back. Avoid answering those questions. She decided to take one more breath and then face Sara. Matching her own bright green eyes, to the deep blue-grey ones, she opened her mouth to try and explain. Her lips tried to stay together, practically telling her to not share, but she forced herself to continue speaking.

“On t-the topic of my hands, I,” she took a deep breath in,. “I struggle with things like, d-dysphoria and anxiety. So sometimes to keep myself from slipping I do this and I know it’s bad but,” and she was rambling, “ I can’t really help it and it's better than other stuff and… yeah so...”

Sara took her hands in her own, holding the palm to her eyes, and gave a butterfly kiss to each mark.  “Okay, just next time if you would just call me instead I know it might not always help, and I know how it could be worse, but I don’t want you to be hurting.”

Bea continued, “And the reason I pulled you away, was because I saw my friend, Kate,  and I’m not out yet, and she’s my best friend and she’d be so mad if I didn’t tell her, so my first instinct was just to run and I- anyway sorry. I know that you’re out and I get it if you don’t want to date anyone who is still in the closet.” At this point she was looking at the floor and Sara had to lift her chin up so there eyes could meet.

“The only thing I wish you had told me is that you weren’t out so I could’ve been more secretive about the whole thing. I’m sorry if I was too forward; but I like you and all the other stuff doesn’t matter to me”

“Okay.”

I smiled and leaned forward. So sitting between the candy and the stuffed sting-rays, I had my first kiss. We were both crouching on the floor, barely able to stay balanced, as we leaned toward each other. Our lips crashed together, softly. Her lips were chapped and she was smiling and it was Perfect.

***

She stepped through her door home, smiling. Sara had just dropped her off from the aquarium. As she moved through the foyer, she noticed that her phone wasn’t where she thought she had forgotten it. Not worrying too much, Bea skipped towards her room. Opening her door, she could feel her ringer go off as she got several text’s.

Hey I saw you at the aquarium.

Who were you with?

Was it that girl from your club?

Was it a date ?

Wait! Are you dating her, and you didn’t tell me!!!

Immediately Bea started freaking out. Kate knew. She seemed okay-ish with it, but still. Counting her breaths, she tried to calm down. Everything would be okay.

Her phone buzzed. Another text from Kate. Bringing the screen up to eye level she saw one word.

Faggot

And that was that.

[acuitas]

[ uuuuuh long post on lorin + rav regarding autism + adhd respectively below ]

LORIN.

easily gets overwhelmed / irritable when overstimulated / when experiencing sensory overload. the worst offenders are sharp, sudden noises that startle him and very bright lights. when overstimulated, he can react aggressively or be particularly snappy.

fuck. crowds.

he often needs to plan out everything he does to a rather meticulous degree, and dislikes going into things without a definite plan or general expectation for the outcome. being spontaneous absolutely sucks.

happiest at home / controlled environments.

uses control as a stress management technique; rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict his seeming unconventionality.

stress stims via tugging / lightly pulling at his hair and squeezing at the hems of the sleeves of whatever he’s wearing. other kinds of stimming include pacing and rubbing his fingers / wringing his hands.

when feeling positive moods, he stims by rolling fabric between his fingers. humming is both an anxiety aiding stim and a happy stim.

clothing must be soft. both the choker gifted to him by dia + ro’s hairpin are comfort items he will also stim with.

subconsciously mirrors speech patterns of people he likes / considers important. has lifted manners of speech from books as a child, spoke in an atypical way. thought of as gifted / shy as a child.

forget about giving him food that’s slimy in texture or has a lot of ridges. bad mouth feel.

he’s pretty okay with eye contact but it’s hard for him to maintain it for more than a minute or two. he’ll look away at something that isn’t the person he’s speaking to in order to regroup.

has trouble expressing his emotions, particularly the negative ones. words are very, very hard when he’s shutting down. cannot find the words to express himself when overwhelmed. he can recognize how he feels, though. it’s just expression he has a problem with.

moderate to major difficulty in social situations. it depends on if he’s hanging with someone he likes vs a stranger. he will script to hell and back with a stranger-- in fact, if he’s anticipating meeting a stranger, he will go over various internal scripts he believes will apply to the situation.

rigid greeting protocol. idiosyncratic phrasing.

anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. moody and prone to bouts of depression. acid reflux.

will only accept touch from people he likes. with that said, cuddling is a GODSEND and he loves pressure. the slightest caress sends the good good shivers down his spine.

hyperverbal. gets embarrassed about it on the regular. blunt. when stressed, will be semi-verbal and when completely shut down, nonverbal.

pumpkin bread is a major comfort + samefood.

special interests include baking, jewelry making, and music. also likes dissecting languages and cultural studies.

hope you like infodumps.

hyper-empathetic.

what he lacks in understanding some social cues and body language, he makes up for in pun and wordplay hell.

has difficulty with reading faces. may interpret someone’s resting face as angry, as an example.

auditory processing hellzone.

not great with accepting praise. this is related to trauma, ofc, but still needs mentioning.

difficulty with making decisions for himself, some executive dysfunction. again, also related to trauma but these things go hand in hand.

hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood.

perceived to be cold-natured and self-centred; unfriendly. on the flip side, is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions / special interests / obsessions.

only likes to go out with “safe” people, or won’t leave at all.

RAVIO.

executive dysfunction hellzone pairs nicely with a side of auditory processing fuckery.

look man let his natal chart speak for me for a hot second:

-11 Square Moon -

Uranus

He may at times suffer from an almost feverish, non-constructive restlessness. He is too susceptible. His life can be full of change or the emotions are often in a state of flux. Also, frequent changes of mind. He is irritable and stubborn at times due to an inner restlessness that is hard to satisfy. He can have difficulty concentrating on a job, although is capable of much if allowed to move from task to task to alleviate extreme boredom with routine. Nervous strain. His friendships may be like his professional and love life - sometimes unstable or erratic. There is a strong need for closeness, but when people get too close, he can get cagey, as he values personal freedom just as much."

has difficulty with memory recall. if you present him with something that can trigger a memory, that works! but otherwise... he’s lost. he’s great at talking about how he felt during something, though.

also stims! he uses his scarf more often than not. he’ll tug and pull at it if he’s stressed, and even wrap it around his face to feel the fabric against his skin. when feeling pretty okay, he’ll gather it up and flap the end of it about with one hand. also rocks on the balls of his feet. paces.

also only likes soft clothes.

this whole chart is really good at explaining how he tells stories: link here.

imposter syndrome out the ass.

hyper-empathy mother fucker!!!!! RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria ) is a fucking shithole.

his organization skills may look haphazard, but-- okay, who am I kidding. he can’t find jack shit ever and bless link for reminding him where he’s left his shit.

difficulties with voice regulation. difficulties with emotional regulation. what is tone? he doesn’t know.

the more he focuses on something he has to do, the more he wants to sleep. catch him staying up until 3am hyperfocusing on something he likes, though.

what the fuck is a sleep.

SOMEHOW good at math, so he’s got that going for him.

special interest also revolves around music! nice nice. will later adopt larping I have to be honest about this one

is really good about multi-tasking when stressed out. otherwise, it’s a wash.

incredibly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

will not do well with verbal instruction - needs to write down or draw diagram. he will forget.

--------

more to be possibly added later? hhgnnnm

[meta-journal]

Experiences with bottom dysphoria.

To preface, at the time before my surgery, I was in the most severe, debilitating dysphoria I’ve endured in the duration of my life. I experienced severe depression and suicidal ideation stemming from my lower dysphoria and the agony of having the incorrect body parts/sex. Surgery was an absolute for me, and it was an absolute lifesaver. Even though there are limitations to the surgery I had and there are new issues that have come up since then (which I’ll discuss later on in future posts), I am able to function now and not spend the majority of my life in pain.

That isn’t to say that my experience with lower dysphoria wasn’t always like that, though. Originally, when I first started transitioning, it was something I very rarely thought of. Logistically, I was aware of the changes testosterone would make but that’s really all I thought about it for the first few months. My focus was very heavy on my chest and needing top surgery - so in essence, bottom dysphoria or really thinking anything about it was put on the backburner. I thought about surgery but wasn’t sure about my feelings toward it. I had other, more pressing concerns.

There were times before my top surgery and afterward where I would get bouts of bad lower dysphoria, in which I mainly coped by dissociating from it. I would distract myself and not think much about it, even though I struggled deeply with not having a penis. But it wasn’t completely unbearable at that point in my life.

When I had my hysto later on in 2015, a few months post-top surgery, that’s when my lower dysphoria exacerbated. I believe it was due to the ever constant shift in dysphoria and going through the mental checklist of what needed to be fixed, removed, etc., and realizing that since everything else was taken care of, my only true problem area left was indeed my genital configuration at the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I realized more and more over time how much I despised what I had going on and how much I needed to change it. 

My bottom dysphoria itself got so bad after that point that I was holding in my urine because using the restroom (the actual using part itself and having to clean up afterward) would give me panic attacks and send me down a spiral of deep, deep depression. I could barely get dressed, put on my boxers and pants. I had to routinely pack but sometimes that only made things worse, as it only reminded me of what I didn’t actually have. I felt trapped and suicidal, and scared, and hopeless thinking that there was absolutely no way out. I was desperate for surgery, and I had my initial consultation for metoidioplasty with Dr. Toby Meltzer in Scottsdale, AZ in October that year. I was able to schedule surgery for the following August, but with some resolve, managed to get an earlier date for May. Every day of my life up until that point was spent in pain and constantly counting down until I knew I could get things fixed. I was ready to kill myself if I didn’t get surgery, I was in that much agony. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, and I hated the fact that I needed surgery so badly while it seemed like other trans people/trans men were doing just fine without needing bottom surgery, or didn’t even really have lower dysphoria at all. I envied them, because I never wanted to have to go through it in the first place. But everyone’s circumstances are different, and it took me a long time to realize that.

Having surgery helped me tremendously, and helped me to be able to function a normal life again. My dysphoria is still there, though I know that regardless of how far I get into transition, there will always be something that will set me off. But I am able to cope with my life now and live with my body despite the limitations, and I would do it all over again if I had to.

[poetryofyouth]

Self realizations

tw: gender dysphoria, depression, bullying, homophobia, etc basically don’t read unless you want to feel down and hate me forever

(please don’t reblog)

(I just finished these >1800 words of rambling, it probably doesn’t make sense, and if you read this you know me better than my therapist, sorry bout that)

I used to be an asshole, I mean I still am in some ways, but my assholery nowadays is mostly just me being cynical towards conservative/homophobic/transphobic/ignorant people who also are assholes in my humble opinion.

I used to kinda be a homophobic /transphobic/ignorant asshole and I just get sick at what kind of an abusive dick I was.

I picked at my younger brother for liking the colour red, painting his nails, wanting to dress up as a princess in my old costume and other things.  I used the word “gay” as an insult and a curse word. I picked on a relatively flat chested girl in my class and talked about her small breast behind her back because,,, peer pressure?? I told transphobic jokes, called trans* people “it” or their birth pronoun I made fun of people in public who didn’t look obviously look like a woman or a man and called them “it” when trying to find out what sex they were with friends. I actively told homophobic jokes, laughed at homophobic jokes and encouraged the use of slurs I didn’t stand up for queer people. I used to think being gay was bad and being trans was sick I don’t think I knew that non-binary was a thing, but I would have laughed at anyone trying to tell me there were more than two genders I used to feel disgusted at trans women I mercylessly used queerness as a punchline in jokes I used to desperately kling to gender norms and basically made fun of anyone who defied those Like I remember how wrong it felt when we played family at preschool and a boy wanted to be the mum, it was weird and wrong to me. And I then I used to think that gender wasn’t really a thing at all just because my expericene with it was?? basically

And it’s not my parents fault I was a douchy kid. They didn’t give a single fuck when my brother and I played with my Barbies, or with his Lego. They didn’t care when we both dressed up as princesses or as pirates, or when I painted his nails bright pink (because he wanted me to). It was always me who was an asshole and abusive. And gosh I was an agressive kid, I loved to scuffle and sword fight with sticks while at the same time thinking it was wrong because that’s what boys and only boys do. I definatley didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, it was just me.

Basically, I was a total bag of dicks until I was, probably, 14, when I couldn’t escape the reality of my queerness anymore. I still did some of the things then, but it had more of a bitter aftertaste and I had fallen madly in love with a girl I knew for like a week before never seeing her again. I was probably in love with my female best friend before that, since I was 12, but didn’t really know since “girls can only have crushes on boys”. There was this game, Pflicht, Wahl oder Wahrheit, kind of like truth or dare, and the standard question was always “which boy do you have a crush on right now?” and i just couldn’t comprehend the concept of that. I read in magazines how it should feel like to have a crush on a boy, and it just didn’t happen? I tried making myself fall in love and pretended to, but you can’t just force these things, obviously.  And I got never picked on as a kid, I would have been the perfect victim, shy, quiet, fat, ugly,..., but I guess I was just lucky. And my class all the way through school was great.

Anyways, I was fourteen and I knew I was gay, it still sounded disgusting in my head, and had a crush on a girl I hadn’t seen in months. I started isolating myself and simply not talking to anyone in my class and hiding at the bathroom in the breaks just to avoid people. I don’t think I was depressed then, but I think that’s where it started, even though it took years to reach peak crisis. With 15, i still wasn’t out to anybody irl even though i read an watched a lot of things about sexuality and finally kind of stared to accept this part of myself. Then, in 10th grade, I did a foreign high school year in the USA. I was randomly placed in Ohio, with a hyper conservative family, i don’t think i need say more. During my first month, I subtly asked my host mother what she thought about homosexuality, and she straight up told me “I don’t like gay people”. Great, obviously coming out wasn’t happening there. I saw the humorous side ot this, sometimes, when I felt like a undercover liberal queer spy who is for health care and likes Obama more than bush.  I wrote so many emails to friends without sending them, about me being gay. I couldn’t even say the word lesbian without feeling weird. During that time, I also started to self harm seriously. And even though I wasn’t out to anyone, I was bullied for being gay by two girls during lunch. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t deny being gay, so I just sat quietly and told no one about anything.

When I got home things got a little better, I chopped of my hair and died it red and loved it. I came out to two friends, and slowly to others as well. They were all super accepting. I had my first (and only for now) girlfriend at 16 and came out to my parents, who of course didn’t mind and kind of knew before. I still cried, and I love them to death.  So everything should have been fine at that point exept it wasn’t and I was a depressed self-harming suicidal mess until I attempted suicide in September 2015 when I was 17. Then I was locked up in a psychiatry for 3 months.  Even after that I was too broken to continue school, since the pressure and especially one of the teachers were the main reason for my mental health issues. So I was a high school drop out and i still feel ashamed for that, one year later. Mental health issues make everything harder.  And even though my internalized homophobia was not the only reason, it definately contibruted to the mess i was.

Again, I have never been bullied by my Austrian class mates (the asshole ohio girls were not at home) but still my class teacher appearently thought my issues and the reason i dropped out was because of bullying and scolded my class mates for being mean. When I heard that, months later, I felt super guilty these guys have never done anything wrong to me in their life! 

That’s where schools go wrong, they say bullying wiill not be tolerated and don’t do anything to help victims of bullying, and accuse students of bullying when the actual reason other students feel down is just school itself.

In fall of 2016, I went to New Zealand for three months and volunteered in environmental protection, and this was the most healing thing I could have done. Seriously, no amount of therapy or medication could compare to knowing I am doing something for the planet, for the future. Of course that’s not for everybody, but for me it was the best possible thing to happen

So I’m in an allright place right now, not cured, but okay for the most part. I can say i am happy being gay and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have also started to accept my queerness on another level, the gender queer level. I identify as non-binary, that might change, but i’m fairly comfortable with it.

Right now I am in a weird dysphoric mood (yeah who would have guessed?) and feel really bad about my chest. I need to buy a binder. I felt so uncomfortable with my fat curvy body for the last few days. And binding with a wide belt and bandages is not healthy, I know, but I need to do something to be able to look in the mirror!

I think my picking at the girl with small breasts stemmed from jealousy, same with picking on my brother for doing traditionally feminine things. I wanted to not be a girl so bad all my life, all the signs were there, but I just pushed it into the back of my head and acted like the ignorant assholes i hate today.

One of my fondest, little childhood memories was when i was probably just 6 years old, and had short hair and basically looked like a little boy. My brother’s preschool teacher once thought I actually was a boy and asked my brother about his “brother”, refering to me when i went with my mother to pick him up form preschool. And hearing this stranger calling me “boy” was just a feeling of total bliss, I was so excited and happy because I was not called a girl. Unfortunately my mother corrected her. 

I grew my hair out and had long hair consistently for 10 years until I cut it off again. At first it was a feminine pixie cut, now it’s basically a men’s haircut. I don’t even go to a hair dresser, my mum cuts mine, my father’s, and my brother’s hair, which is great, because I hate going to hair dresser. 

I sometimes get “misgendered” in public and it’s still great, I just love being perceived as masculine (well when I’m feeling and presenting that way, but when I’m not I don’t get misgendered, at least I haven’t yet). I think it’s called gender euphoria, and love that word.

I haven’t completely figured out either my sexuality or my gender identity so I just identify as queer. I’m out as a lesbian to my friends and family, I don’t know when I will be able to talk to them about my gender identity/pronouns. Especially because there isn’t a pronoun in German I feel as comfortable with as “they/their”. 

And sometimes I still wake up and think “maybe I’m just faking it for attention, maybe I’m just a neurotypical, straight, cis girl who wants to feel like a special snowflake on the internet” even though straight and cis and girl feel so wrong that I feel as uncomfortable saying them as I used to feel uncomfortable saying “lesbian”. Well maybe I always knew that I wasn’t really a lesbian. The words I love now are queer, non-binary, and gay. And using/hearig them doensn’t make me anxious or uncomfortable. I just started smiling typing them. I am happy with these words, maybe just for now, maybe forever. 

TL;DR My internalized homophobia and transphobia and lack of understanding of myself and my sexuality turned me into a depressed asshole, and I hope to attone for these sins by being the queer person I am without feeling guilty.

[legendofgrump]

Talk bout dem OCs, drop your rant. Wanna hear their stories yo

omg who are you because you just flattered me hardcore. Ahh I’ll put them under a cut so I don’t make everyone hate me with non-fandom stuff. And if you wanna ask more questions or anything, I have a blog specifically for talking about my OCs which is @meme-team-adventures​ !!! (But also if you don’t that’s cool too, I know not everyone is into that ahhh I’m rambling already). Anyway!! 

Most of them have rp/ask blogs which I’ll also link to when I mention them if you’re Really into it for some reason, but I haven’t done anything with any in a while and some of them might be kinda bare.

ANYWAY (part 2)

@confused-snail which actually just used to be my personal blog (and also my main blog goddammit) turned into an rp blog for a self-insert. So Snail is a 29 year old freelance artist. They’re nonbinary/demiboy who got bottom surgery so they could have a dick and sometimes they still get dysphoria over their chest (which they will one day get the surgery to remove) but they’re generally okay with how they look! They’re very aggressive and abrasive and also very controlling. They have the hardest time giving other people control because they kinda use it to avoid getting hurt like they did in a past relationship. Anyway they’re a pretty big meme most of the time. They love eating, sleeping, and they’re always down for some sex, especially with their boyfriend Daniel, but they exclusively top as part of their constant need to be in control. They get irritated kind of easily if you push the right buttons, but are generally pretty lazy/laid back and chill. They LOVE to laugh at stupid memes and stuff. And they also have pretty cool piercings and kind of lowkey wanna get a tattoo but they’re not really sure of what. They got a degree in art, though their grades were pretty bad because they weren’t in a good place during college, but they did graduate which they’re really proud of!

@death-and-fireflies I don’t know if he really counts as an OC but he might as well haha. But basically I had this Grump AU where everything was basically the same except that Dan was an immortal harbinger of lost souls that manifested in the form of fireflies. He’s blind, but his eyes glow really bright yellow (just like the fireflies that float around his head) and he’s lived on his own kind of nomadically for the longest time. He’s generally quiet and reserved and a little shy because he deals a lot with the dead and usually the living don’t want much to do with him, but he’s also really thoughtful and a little philosophical and very kind! He cares very much for the souls that he’s destined to take care of and his entire life purpose is to help them move on and get whatever unfinished business they have out of the way so they can finally find peace. He currently has a boyfriend named Kenry and a (basically) adopted daughter named Alice who kind of help him live his life without all the constant anxiety and hopelessness that comes with dealing constantly with the dead and some very talkative souls.

@wolf-in-sarcasms-clothing Marianne is a monster girl who kind of resembles a spider? I mean not technically because...not at all. But we call her a spider/bug babe so just roll with it. But she has four arms and one eye and very sharp teeth. And also she eats humans. Funny, right? She used to live in a heavily secluded cave system with the rest of her kind, where they were apart from humanity and only hunted wild animals and that worked. But then a companion that Marianne had used and manipulated her until she got so angry and felt so betrayed that she ate them and got kicked out of her clan and banished from the caves. So she kind of wandered into the human world until she stumbled across Daniyal and (separately) Kenry, who both kind of took her in despite her threatening to eat both of them at first meeting. She loves physical affection (pets, hair playing, scritches) and once given this affection, she’s much more like a big, dumb doggo that likes to play and cuddle and is basically a six foot tall lap dog.

@flirtbot3000 Originally spawned because I kept sending all of my friends’ muses/rp blogs flirts and pick up lines, so I just made a character for it. Andy is a pleasure bot designed for platonic, romantic, and sexual affection depending on the desires of the person they’re with at the time. Though most often they just end up having sex haha. But they’re a cute android that is extremely compliant and loves to please whoever they’re with and they legitimately also just enjoy having sex in general. They’ve done a lot of things in their life, such as being a pinup girl, modeling for magazines and fashion lines, and just straight up doing porn, and they enjoyed it all! But then they also accidentally fell in love with an interdimensional farm boy named Daniyal who accidentally turned them human when they had sex and then had sex with them again and turned them back into an android. But they love him regardless and the two are very happy together and it’s really pure and cute.

@of-bats-and-lovers (This one kind of links to two OCs but I’ll explain that hold on to your pants.) Beauregard (or just Bo is fine) is a bat boy that is rich as hell and lives for parties and meeting people. His biggest goal in life is to find his One and Only true love darling. But it’s kind of difficult because he had this person and then he lost her and just can’t seem to get over her. All of his riches came from when he was a thief and criminal with his true love, so they’re all stolen or at least not legally obtained. But, y’know, he keeps that under wraps. He likes partying and drinking (he’s kind of a heavyweight, but that doesn’t stop him from getting buzzed) and just generally having a good time. He’ll “fall in love” with anyone that gives him a smile or says something nice and then will fall out of love the morning after and go into a bit of a depressed mood that he’ll cheer himself up from by going to a party. (And thus the cycle continues.)

Esky is the Bonnie to Bo’s Clyde and the love that Bo lost to a big stand off with police and a well-aimed bullet. Or at least, that’s kind of what he thinks. Esky was shot and declared dead, but actually, y’know, wasn’t. So when she woke up in the morgue, very confused and alone, she made her escape and went on the run so as not to get caught and actually killed. She heard that Bo was also declared dead (which wasn’t true at all. He escaped and the media declared it because they didn’t want people to panic that this great criminal was still on the run) so she focused on getting herself to safety. The two have kind of been looking for each other ever sense, but also at the same time thinking that the other is dead so the search is fruitless.

@interstellar-superstar Venus is an alien from an unspecified location is space that came to earth and became an international pop star. She sings really well and is a positive and peppy girl, so the people adore her. But it also kind of taxes her because she has to hide the fact that she’s not from earth for fear of the government taking her and experimenting on her or at the very least, locking her up. She has a third eye and her skin is actually bright yellow, but luckily she can cover the eye with her hair and the general public believes that the yellow skin is just extreme dedication and a lot of body paint. So for the most part she’s okay, but there’s always a bit of stress with interviewers finding out about her true home. She’s also very easily confused about basic earth culture because she’s a sheltered celebrity and kind of fell into stardom from the moment she came to earth. So she has no idea what things like french fries are. Or memes. Or anything of the sort. And she also has no idea about basic geography, so she’ll just spout out random locations whenever someone asks her where she’s from. And the answer is always different. It’s adorable. She’s currently in a poly relationship with two cuties, Charlie and Avery, and she loves them both very dearly.

The next three are all from @here-queer-full-of-cheer and they’re all friends and roommates. They’re also all in a poly relationship with Danny Sexbang called polybang or Sexbang’s Angels so just that’s great too.

Nikki is a laid back guitarist that dropped out of high school to pursue a music career with her band. They’re semi-successful, at least locally, but they’re really trying to make it in the big time. She’s desperate to make this all work out because she wants dropping out of high school and never going to college to be worth it, especially since it kind of disappointed her family and makes her look bad to a lot of dumb soccer moms that need her to know their opinions. She loves music more than anything. Listening, writing, performing, she loves the whole process and always gives it the full attention it deserves. She’ll block off entire chunks of time just to listen to a new album, laying on her bed with her eyes closed in the dark just so she can full appreciate it.

Bailey is a nonbinary artist with a degree in specifically Color Theory. They love painting, especially with oil and acrylic, and uses big dramatic colors and shapes. They’re actually really good at realism, though they mostly paint scenes and locations, rather than like portraits or anything. (Not to say they wouldn’t paint those things, though.) They’re also really into the abstract and are currently experimenting with that. Also! They’re really bubbly and sweet and friendly, especially with small children. They love supporting their friends and just being chipper and happy in general. Also they have the raddest bright pink hair with a partly shaved blonde half and it’s really cool okay.

Megan is kinda cold and calculating and currently working on her PhD in physics. She puts a lot of pressure on herself and her academics and tells herself that she has to spend most of her life studying/working if she wants to get the grades she wants and graduate. A lot of the time she puts her health to the side in favor of studying and will go too long without eating or sleeping because of an essay. But she’s really passionate about what she’s doing and loves every second of the knowledge she gains. She’s a little rough at showing affection and generally has a hard time saying it in person. A lot of the time, if she has something important or generally sappy to say, she’ll write it down in one of her many, many journals that she uses as a diary/vent place, and then show it to the person she has to say the thing to, because she finds it easier to get her thoughts down on paper than to say them. But she does feel love deep in her cold, cold heart haha. Also she’s super kinky ;)

@cookie-dough-boy is a little trans sheepie boy named Cookie. He’s very soft and chubby, but also extremely full of anxiety and self-doubt. He cares about his friends more than himself and will put them before himself no matter what. He’s a total momma’s boy that will constantly call and check on his mom or visit her just to see how she’s doing and he loves her more than anything else in the world. She taught him like all of the recipes he knows and basically how to be an adult in general and he’s so grateful for her. He’s a little coffee shop barista and kind of hates his job because he works with pricks, but the customers are usually pretty nice to him, which makes it kind of worth it. Plus he gets paid, so. And he’s dating a very edgy, 2cool4me guy named Mortar who you would not expect to actually be involved with him at all but it’s really cute and they’re soft together it’s great.

The last three have no blogs because they’re pretty new OCs, but descriptions anyway!

Blythe: She’s the goddess of deception and also a beautiful trans prankster that loves fucking with mortals in little, inconvenient ways, like enchanting underwear drawers not to open or making arcade cabinets shoot out quarters. She’s generally pretty chill and likes humans well enough, but she still has a Goddess Complex where she kind of feels like she’s above them just in general. But she treats them fine, she just gets a little arrogant sometimes. Also she’ll do humans favors like try to talk them into Valhalla and stuff because she knows all the gods and goddesses and has cool connections so why not. She’s immortal and has really big, cool wings, that are even taller than her own six foot self like wow she’s got a massive wingspan.

Cleona: She’s a smol chubby mechanic girl that loves tinkering with tech and being a general dork. She likes reverse engineering things and figuring out how they work and go back together, but she’s also a bit messy and sometimes the things she’s taken apart can’t get put back together because she lost pieces/they got mixed in with another thing that needs to be put back together. She’s very very gay and also super friendly and chill in general. Also she wears these really big, clunky combat boots that are way to big for her smol feets because she wants to be taller. But they don’t fit her like at all, and there’s a running gag that she just always has asinine bullshit shoved insider her boots.

Maxim: Asshole. 100% irredeemable fuckhead. The personification of anxiety, basically, that will universally fuck with you until you no longer want to live on this planet. He’s a piece of shit that does it just for the hell of it. He’s also from the world behind mirrors that’s a reflection of the Real World (I’m sure you’ve heard this trope before lol). He can put his voice into people’s heads and fuck with them from there until they feel like they’re going insane from all the insecurity he’s putting in their heads and whatnot. And he’s just...the actual worst. He has no redeeming qualities. He’s an immortal demon boy that gets a kick out of making people’s lives horrible. Also he really likes hot pockets.

[transpartnerblog]

Us

My wife and I have been together for 6 years now, we met when I was at uni and we both worked in the same shop. We moved in together almost right away. She changed jobs from retail to care work for disabled people, which is a very high stress job and she did really well at it, but after about a year she completely burnt out and had to be signed off work with GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and depression. She was given CBT therapy which helped marginally but the course was over with quickly and she still couldn't face working full time. During this time she "dabbled" with gender identity, wondering if she was non-binary or "demi-boy". It was never really proper discussed and made no real difference to our lives as it was so it sort of just got swept under the rug. I feel kinda bad looking back and wondering if I should have been more supportive but it just seemed like a non-issue as such. She didn't want pronouns to change (was happy with male ones then) and it was more a personal understanding of where she was than something which affected anyone else.

After I graduated we moved 3 hours away. I got a shitty job unrelated to my degree to support us and she continued to work on herself. She managed to get a job doing a paper round for a local newsagents which helped to get her up and out the house but panic attacks continued, and sometimes got violent, the depression got worse and she went through bouts of not being able to do it.

We married in May 2017. It was a wonderful day but we didn't get to actually spend much time together, she was quite absent and anxieties were understandably high.

Things had stayed much the same for years at this point. Never ending cycles of depression and anxiety and stress, I have no idea what life is like outside of these patterns anymore really.

In about November 2017 or so she came out to me as trans. She'd spent a lot of time reading and watching others feeling similar things and felt it just made sense. Hell, we'd had jokes for years at this point about how un-masculine she is, it made sense to me too. She cried a lot and we hugged a lot and we spoke about what actually happens from here. The answer is a lot of waiting and a lot more introspection.

Although she felt better for being out to me, of course her anxiety and depression persisted. It took until March 2018 to visit the docs for a referral to a gender clinic and then she was put on a 24 month waiting list for her first appointment. The waiting begins. We discussed the feasibility of private or GenderGP but decided we couldn't really afford it rn.

She quickly made what seemed like leaps of progress, trying more feminine things and figuring out how she was comfortable. It eased her anxiety a little, but new anxieties arose in her hairline or "passing" or any number of things - she'd left it too late etc. Etc.

Throughout this time we were mostly just getting on with life. We had the odd argument, usually due to frustration on my end. Sometimes it would be nice to not have to deal with mental health, amirite? But it's not as if that's a choice my wife gets to make, so we always speak - in great detail - after any argument, and usually cry and snug down together and apologise profusely each for our own mistakes.

She picked a new name in November/December time. It's a lovely name and I tried my best to use it whenever possible. I don't really use names in conversation, especially between ourselves, so I had to force myself to say a name where I wouldn't usually. It felt stilted, but not because of the change in name itself. She glowed whenever I used it.

Then comes Christmas 2018, we visited her family, who she is out to, over Christmas itself. One night (after a lot of wine) the conversation comes round to the elephant in the room - her transition - and her mum tried really hard for the 4 days we're down to use her new name and pronouns wherever possible. We then go to my family's for NY, she is only out to my parents and sister and so there wasn't really a chance of validation there and she is consistently referred to with male pronouns and name. This hit hard. Firstly, she felt like an imposter for being called her chosen name by her mum, and secondly the consistent misgendering and busy house on my side of the family.

What felt like all the work we'd put in over the year to improve her mental state and anxiety just dropped away overnight. She fell right back into deep-seated depression and depersonalisation/derealisation alongside intense health anxiety too.

It took a week or so, but she eventually went to the doctors and was referred to CBT again, as well as an MRI to check there's nothing actually wrong with her brain. This is where we are now. Desperately trying to claw back from the depths of suicidal thought and depression. Anxiety which makes her ears ring and panic attacks which make her feel like she can't breathe. Referred for therapy which doesn't really address the route of the problem - dysphoria - but might help to alleviate some symptoms. We're still crawling along, trying our best to come out the other side.

This is an overview of 6 years of our life. I'll be revisiting some of these situations and speaking about new ones as they arise. Sometimes it helps to just write it out.