#speech linearity

[mentalisttraceur]

One of the valuable but annoying things with thinking in probabilities is like ....

Sometimes you say something to a person, and you're actually consciously, deliberately saying words that have different meanings in the different possibilities... words that would mean different possible things or invoke different associations or feelings, depending on which of the different possibilities is true of who they are, where they're at, what mood they're in.

Because sometimes that's better than just flinging the same intended meaning at all possibilities of who they are in that moment. In fact sometimes meaning one thing is impossible. Sometimes within the possibilities you see, you can't see any statement you could make that would get taken the same way in all possibilities and which also fits all your relevant values.

But like, some people don't get that - they don't think like that, so they can't really put themselves in those shoes, or maybe they have never even consciously conceived of the experience, or of it being practically doable by humans in the real world.

So then if one of those people asks you "what did you mean by that?", it's like... (very tired sigh).

[crescenthistory]

went to my oldest baby brother’s high school graduation today (which is already awfully mind-fucking enough) and he CRIED because he’s scared about the future and the choices he’s made 😭😭😭😭 y’all i can’t take it 😭 he’s just my little baby he’s not allowed to be an adult and he certainly can’t CRY

[cryptocism]

yoohoo, I just need you to know you've ruined my life✌️ /j but like. finished reading frequency, what three days ago now? and since the moment I put it down, I have been. directionless. listless. I am consumed by, not DESPAIR, because despair is too passionate a word but. dissatisfaction? I miss the life I lived while I was still reading it. which is honestly rather appropriate considering some of the themes in the fic. I miss the person I was when half of my mind existed in the realm of the au. I fear I may never get over it and I may never recover the life I once had before this fic ruined me for all others, but I also cannot bring myself to regret reading it even if I never feel satisfaction again. I have tasted ambrosia, and the bread and wine of men shall forever be ash upon my tongue. pay my therapy bill.

i know these asks were sent in july but i love them and want to immortalize before they get buried in my inbox

first of all thank you so much!!! frequency has been one of my favourite projects to do over the past couple years i love that ppl are so into this absurdly niche fic. (i cannot pay ur therapy u simply must reread it forever rip (i mean writing it was like 50/50 self-indulgence and catharsis which means maybe reading it does the same thing lmaoo))

second yes! yeah it was Six who changed the timeline. a big old theme, possibly the main theme, of the whole fic is about change and who gets to create it. Six mirrors Thad in the ways that he believes himself unworthy of importance, and that the capacity to create change is inherently barred from him because of who and what he is.

so it was really important that Six was the one to make the choice to try change things - the guy whos entire powerset relies on being as inconsequential as possible. it shatters the original timeline, it results in his death, it causes a lot of very bad ripple effects, but he also saves Nathaniel. who saves Jude. who together both save Thad - who saves Bart and CRAYDL and defeats Three and discovers his own capacity for change in the process.

that was sort of the point of the whole "the spectrum of change is a horizon, not a tower" litany. there's no hierarchy. anybody can go towards it, they just gotta choose where they're going.

Six doesn't really save the day, but by wrenching the prewritten tragedy off its course, he creates the opportunity for Thad & co. to save it themselves.

[clockworkcheetah]

the typical roadblock for timeloop trying to get from point a to point b

[ailurinae]

Re: phonetic alphabet - that wouldn't help, in fact it would make things worse as only like 2% of people* can make heads or tails of it.

Anyway I don't say "bee" or "buh", but more like "bew", as in "ewww, gross", but with a b on the front end. And I don't put an r in "fen", what the heck.

*based on a scientific sample of me But seriously the only people online I have encountered who understand it are linguists and amateur enthusiasts who spend all their time on language forums and such. AFAIK I don't know anyone IRL who understands IPA.

[writers-potion]

how do you write a liar?

How to Write Liars Believably

Language

The motive of every goal is the make the lie seem plausible while taking blame off the speaker, so liars will often project what they say to a third party: "Katie said that..."

Referring to third parties as "they" rather than he or she

In the case of a deliberate lie prepped beforehand, there will be an overuse of specific names (rather than pronouns) as the speaker tries to get the details right.

Overuse of non-committal words like "something may have happened"

Masking or obscuring facts like "to the best of my knowledge" and “it is extremely unlikely," etc.

Avoiding answers to specific, pressing questions

Voice

There's isn't a set tone/speed/style of speaking, but your character's speech patten will differ from his normal one.

People tend to speak faster when they're nervous and are not used to lying.

Body Language

Covering their mouth

Constantly touching their nose

fidgeting, squirming or breaking eye contact

turning away, blinking faster, or clutching a comfort object like a cushion as they speak

nostril flaring, rapid shallow breathing or slow deep breaths, lip biting, contracting, sitting on your hands, or drumming your fingers. 

Highly-trained liars have mastered the art of compensation by freezing their bodies and looking at you straight in the eye.

Trained liars can also be experts in the art of looking relaxed. They sit back, put their feet up on the table and hands behind their head.

For deliberate lies, the character may even carefully control his body language, as though his is actually putting on a show

The Four Types of Liars

Deceitful: those who lie to others about facts

2. Delusional: those who lie to themselves about facts

3. Duplicitious: those who lie to others about their values

Lying about values can be even more corrosive to relationships than lying about facts. 

4. Demoralized: those who lie to themselves about their values

Additional Notes

Genuine smiles or laughs are hard to fake

Exaggerations of words (that would normally not be emphasized) or exaggerated body language

Many savvy detectives ask suspects to tell the story in reverse or non-linear fashion to expose a lie. They often ask unexpected, or seemingly irrelevant questions to throw suspects off track. 

[luna-azzurra]

How to Write a Sick Character

╰ First of all — being sick is boring as hell

Nobody tells you that. You think it’s gonna be poetic and tragic and emotionally moving, maybe a few tears on the windowpane and a soft piano soundtrack? Wrong. It’s pacing in a waiting room for two hours to be told to come back next week. It’s reruns of trash TV because your brain fog is so bad you can't even process a podcast. It's Googling "why do my bones hate me" at 3 a.m. and finding nothing helpful, only vibes. So if you're writing a sick character and every scene is Deep and Heavy and Symbolic, I love you but no. Let them be bored. Let them be over it. Let them fall asleep halfway through someone’s big speech.

╰ Second — sickness is basically a toxic relationship with your own body

And wow, the drama is unmatched. One day your character wakes up and thinks, “Maybe today will be normal.” Their body: “Plot twist, bitch.” Now they’re sweating through a hoodie, canceling plans, and pretending they're “just tired” because explaining the truth is somehow more exhausting than the illness itself. Let your character hate their body sometimes. Let them feel betrayed by it. Let them mourn the version of themselves that used to just do things without needing a three-day nap after. But also—let them fight for their body, too. Advocate. Adapt. Try again. Because it’s not all despair. Sometimes it’s really freaking brave just to get out of bed and put on pants.

╰ Third — it’s not cute

Hollywood loves to write illness like it’s an aesthetic. Clean blankets, sad smiles, a gentle cough. Yeah… no. Sometimes it’s vomit in your hair. It’s medical tape pulling off skin. It’s being too tired to shower but still scrolling through memes like your life depends on it. Give us the gross stuff. The embarrassing stuff. The human stuff.

╰ Fourth — let them be funny

Sick people are hilarious. Mostly because we have to be. You’ve got two choices when your body is a disaster zone: laugh, or fully unravel. So we joke about our failing organs. We flirt with the nurse while on IV fluids. We name our medical devices. We send memes from the ER. Let your character joke. Let them be sharp, sarcastic, absurd. Not because they're “taking it well,” but because that’s their armor. Humor is one of the most honest forms of pain. Use it.

╰ Fifth — sick ≠ broken

Please hear this: your character is not less than. They are not just here to suffer and die and inspire others with their angelic perseverance. They’re a person. Maybe a chaos goblin. Maybe a genius. Maybe a mess. Maybe a lover, a fighter, a giant emotional raccoon with a heating pad. Let them live and have goals. Let them chase things. Let them screw up. Let them be loved and desired and complicated. Their illness is part of them, not all of them.

╰ Lastly — don’t wrap it up too clean

Recovery isn’t linear. Some illnesses don’t “end.” And that’s okay. You don’t need a miracle cure in the third act. Sometimes strength is just learning to exist in a different way. Sometimes it’s re-learning how to hope. Sometimes it’s finding a new rhythm instead of forcing the old one to work. Let your character find peace, not perfection. So yeah—if you’re writing a sick character, you’re doing something important. You’re making space for people whose stories rarely get told with truth and teeth and tenderness. Just promise me you won’t turn them into a symbol. Let them be a person. A funny, scared, strong, exhausted, hopeful person. Like the rest of us.

@katrein05 I Hope This Helps a little... :)

[miscellaneouzz]

NEED to talk about the new Invincible episode and it being a heartbreaking display of how the manifestation of trauma can hold you back from accepting newfound happiness.

First off, such an interesting subversion to build Rex and Rae’s relationship around healing and trying to remedy their past trauma only for it to lead to them not actually starting a new path together because Rex is literally not ready to heal yet. I think because of how the season was going and Rex falling into the comic relief role I was expecting a more linear path to finding happiness, so him deliberately refusing to leave and start new because he’s resigned himself to a life of unhappiness is a much more tragic direction to take his character that I wasn’t expecting. Despite the fact that he’s grown a lot, he still isn’t someone that views a happier life as something attainable to him, and as long as he believes that he can’t actually heal with Rae.

And the fact that it’s literally that resignation that parallels Powerplex’s story. One of the first lines is his sister telling him “It’s the childhood we never got” while they’re watching her daughter play. Powerplex and his wife– they had a child but we see them resigning themselves to lives of revenge so much so that their own baby was robbed of the chance to ever have a childhood at all. In the end Powerplex was his own worst enemy even when the opportunities to focus on potential healing presented themselves.

Rae and Rex’s clashing resolves were due to the childhoods they never got to have. Rae’s speech about finally wanting to take a risk for herself and make her own decision to seek a better, happier life is a heartbreaking contrast to characters like Rex and the Duvall family.

Definitely one of my favorite episodes of this show

[wendichester]

OKAY HEAR ME OUT FOR AN ANGST DRABBLE

Reader with heavy religious trauma x Castiel. I'm curious how their dynamic is and how reader deals with the resurfaced memories

｡𖦹°‧ sanctuary isn't a place,

summary. the lord, heaven, belief... these aren't exactly good terms within you. that is until you meet castiel. he changes everything.

pairing. castiel x reader genre. soft angst

wordcount. 674

notes / warnings. heavy religious trauma themes, memory flashbacks (non-linear), mentions of childhood emotional abuse tied to religion, feelings of unworthiness, internalized fear of divine punishment, anxiety/panic, crying, confrontation with faith

You don’t mean to flinch when he enters the room.

But you do.

It’s small—barely perceptible—but he sees it. Of course he sees it. Angel of the Lord and all that.

“Are you alright?” Castiel asks, voice low like a prayer too afraid to echo.

You force a smile. One of the fake ones. The kind you used to wear like armor back in Sunday school when the pastor’s wife asked how you were and the only honest answer would’ve gotten you grounded for a month.

“I’m fine.”

You're lying.

There’s something about him—always has been. The coat, the eyes, the presence. It's not him specifically. It's what he is.

Divine.

Holy.

Everything that used to haunt your nightmares, wrapped in trench coat and blue eyes and sincerity so pure it makes your skin itch.

You sit on the edge of the motel bed, fists clenched in your lap like a kid in confession. The room is too quiet. Too heavy. The silence carries weight, like incense in an old church—cloying and choking, perfumed with expectation.

He doesn’t sit. Not right away. He just tilts his head, studying you in that quiet way of his. No judgment. Just concern.

“You’re uncomfortable around me.”

It’s not a question.

You don’t deny it.

“I’m not... trying to be,” you whisper. “You’ve never done anything wrong. It’s just... complicated.”

Castiel steps closer. Slowly. Like approaching a wounded animal. Like he knows. And maybe he does.

“Is it because of what I am?”

You nod.

Your voice wavers. “You remind me of them. Not you—but the way they talked about angels. About God. The way they made me believe I was broken. Dirty. That I had to earn love or I’d burn for eternity.”

Your breath hitches. The words taste like old fear, dragged up from the pit of your gut.

“They used God like a weapon,” you continue, voice cracking. “Turned prayers into shackles. I used to be so scared all the time. Scared to think the wrong thing. Feel the wrong thing. Be the wrong thing.”

You’re crying before you realize it. Quiet tears that slide down your cheeks without drama. Just… grief. Old and rusted but still sharp.

And Castiel—he doesn’t interrupt. Doesn’t offer some holy fix-it speech or throw out scriptures like bandaids.

He sits beside you. Carefully. Leaves enough space so you don’t feel caged.

“I was told once,” he says softly, “that angels are warriors. Messengers. Instruments of God’s will. But... I’ve learned that we can also be witnesses. To pain. To injustice. To humanity.”

He glances at you then—so gently it hurts.

“You deserved love. Not fear. Protection. Not punishment.”

Your lip trembles. “I used to pray so hard. Every night. Begging God to fix me. Or at least answer me. Tell me I wasn’t going to hell. That He didn’t hate me.”

A long pause.

Then: “Did He ever answer?”

You shrug. “Not until now, I guess.”

Castiel looks almost startled. “You think I’m the answer?”

“I don’t know,” you admit. “Maybe you’re just the first one who didn’t make me feel like I had to be perfect to be worthy of love.”

That cracks something open in him. You can see it—in the softening of his features, the way his shoulders dip, like even he can’t carry the weight of what’s been done in the name of Heaven.

“I am sorry,” he says, and it sounds ancient. Like he’s apologizing on behalf of every divine being who ever let you down.

You believe him.

You look at him then, really look. Not at the angel. Not at the vessel. Just him. The one who’s chosen over and over again to stand with humanity. With you.

“You don’t scare me,” you whisper. “Not really.”

His gaze is steady. “Good. Because I would never harm you. Not in the name of Heaven. Not in the name of anything.”

And when he tentatively reaches out—offering, not taking—you let him hold your hand.

Because this time, the touch isn’t a chain.

It’s sanctuary.

ꔛ. navigation 𓂃˖ ࣪ all drabbles ; compatibility readings ; support my work .ᐟ

[mentalisttraceur]

I wish there was better language to say "I'm mad at you because what you're doing/expecting is bad for me" and "your feelings are very valid and you're not wrong/bad for wanting/needing/doing this" at the same time, without needing to say one before the other or otherwise changing the impact.

[bokettochild]

Just saw the update!

So, first thoughts!

Gremlin Legend and Sky is something I am LIVING for. Sky's little look of approval as he stands between Wars and Legend after that little move is sending me!

(Wild is not impressed)

I also really love that JoJo played with Warriors' cape/scarf being capable of doing that, which is a major risk btw, but I love that we see it's potential now!

Like, Legend's timing is perfect (and I love that this confirms the Legend v. Wars dynamic we all love) especially considering Hyrule was literally talking about the same thing and you'd THINK Captain-War-Hero over here would be more cautious because of it (although the fact this implies Legend doesn't trigger Warriors danger sense is GREAT for the fluff fic writers like me!)

Time and Wars looking like disappointed parents though is brilliant

(Warriors with messy hair is so funny to me, help)

The continued portrayal of Time being too harsh with the boys, all tense after what happened to Twilight, that's great. i'm glad the consequences of past events are following them, it really makes this all feel linear!

I also am ALL HERE for the boys finding their differences! Warriors and Wild both admitting to being new to dungeon crawling and the monsters involved is a great thing we've all been playing with in fics, but making it cannon feels like validation :)

Also, Warriors being defensive of that, and maybe a bit prickly about their judgement, I think it shows a lot of him. he's got his pride,a although he's learned to tame it. He's feeling a bit miffed to realize how different he is, but doesn't want them seeing him as lesser as well (although they never would). I can also hear him using a clipped military sort of tone when speaking here. It's just the way his words are selected and strung together that makes it seem he's being very to the point, direct, and cold in his tone, which really sells the whole difference between a soldier and the "average nobody" that the rest of them were (ironic, since he's trying to act like the difference isn't a big deal but only further accentuates it this way).

Twilight being pleased that Epona is fine and just enjoying a meal made me grin so big though. He's all worried for his girl but she is, quite literally, happy as a horse over there LOL

Also, this bit:

recognition for Sky's right-handedness, my beloved! (JoJo is giving us all the easter eggs!)

The fact that the passage is too small to let them all fight though is a brilliant way of preventing some of our heavy hitters and more skilled heroes from being able to do anything though!

I like how that gives us the chance to see Time one-shot the foe and also gives him the impression that the rest are maybe not skilled enough to do this alone. WE all know they are, but they're a handicap to each other right now, and it's only further cementing in his mind that they're not ready for all this, which will make his overbearing speech and the judgement he casts on them in combat all the more an issue.

I mean, we all know the hero's shade was like that, but JoJo has shown Time acting this way from the start

(Deep Shadows P.2)

(Likelike)

So I guess we're in for more of that now, and most likely someone (probably Legend, as it's usually him, or Wind, who is very aware of judgement from teh rest) is definitely going to have to call him on it soon, maybe in the dungeon. Will that lead to some bonding with Time where he has to admit he cares and worries about them as though they're his own? I hope so!

Anyways, all this to say, we really are seeing how much they struggle to work together, so hopefully this dungoen will teach them all how to do that better, as Time mentioned earlier

(Dawn p.8)

Now, to finish it off!I would like to thank JoJo for giving us so many beautiful shots of Twi this time around. I'll admit it now, he's pretty darn fine <3

That said, I'm loving the Legend content too! i hope we get to see some more starring moments from him going forwards, what with him being the dungeon veteran and all! It's great seeing his childish/playful side these last few updates, but I'm really craving some veteran Legend right now >:)

[sleepy-fiction]

Got a crush- got a crush- Crush you all beneath me. ⚗️

Jinx x F!Reader SMUT

3k WORDS

tgs: intense violence, erotic asphyxiation, water sports, bdsm, knife play, powerplay, masochist reader, oral, cunnilingus, sexual repression, religious terms/oppressive religious language, reader is shit and pathetic its lovely

syn: Jinx spares you before your death, the adrenaline, the ecstasy, its euphoric. You re-emerge bright-eyed like the first oracle of a God. Only this time, you want to eat God's cunny, and she'll let you.

an: hii err questioning myself with this one wow. mildly proofread

Smeech's gang had been your home since you were little. You were born into it, your parents' loyal followers, devout, and strict as they came. The rules were engraved into your brain, defined like the Old Testament. You were linear, closed-minded, and point. Your parents died in the battled post silco. Your neighbors, the other kids. The gang's numbers were dwindling, if not by death, then by them abandoning the cree for others. And the years went by. Your silent, dormant hatred for Jinx muddled up.

It continued until her little revolution, where she gained her little blue headed cult following. You'd be lying if you say a part of you wasn't swooned. But your revenge called for more.

What they called "Safety". No, it was nothing but plain blameless sin.

And you were put on this earth to eradicate it.

So it only came natural after Smeech's disassembly, for the gang to disemble themselves as well. Like a ghost town, you found yourself being the only righteous one holding up the banner. And if A^2 + B^2 = C^2, you were going after the women responsible for it.

No.

THE woman responsible for it all.

Jinx.

Blue eyed, blue braided, soon to be blue bellied, Jinx.

Jinx was a flithy mongrel, poisoning Zaun from the inside out. Her almost physiological poison bubbled out of its bloodied cauldron and frothed onto the deep floors of Zaun. Like a thick and heavy smoke blinding the ground, sucking the souls out of sinners, and blinding even the most powerful. Tempting, and as small as an ewe lamb, yet brewing and seizing like an unruly urchin. Baring pretty pale hips, milky white skin smothered in tattoos. And those eyes. Those round doe eyes.

They kept you awake at night.

Tempting.

They made you shudder.

With the bloodlust you had been building for weeks, weeks until the day your holy vengeance struck from the skies. With the last remaining loyal souls with nothing to live for, other than the fragments of Smeech's impressive legacy.

Yet why.

How.

How did things end this way.

Your body seized the moment your very own blades, the one you fantasized about taking the life of Jinx, was twisted deep into your belly. Your eyes flashed white, your gasp deep and profound, your balance suddenly no longer mattering to you anymore. The surprise attack was going well, well, until Jinx drew her devilish strength from hell and slaughtered your gang like animals. And you, being brave enough to stop her, freed her of all her guns. You fought like chickens, scratching and scraping at each other, throwing rocks, tossing dust, kicking crotches, pulling hair (you mainly), all until you had her.

She was pined beneath, whimpering and blabbering useless mantra. You revved your blade. But you stopped. You had to tell her why she deserved this. Your speech you had prepared before vanquishing this world of evil. Your glorious speech of Smeech and your gang. And unbeknownst to you, that was more than enough time for her to flash bright magenta eyes. And whimper a sound so attainable, your breath locked, and suddenly, for no reason at all, you had an urge to piss.

That one second of weakness.

No.

She turned your speech against you, she built up her bewitching tactics, disarming you and filling you with mercy, all for her to drive your beloved knife, your knife that your parents made you, deep, deep into your belly.

Then those doe eyes sharpened and she laughed.

She pushes you off her like you were nothing, your body hitting the wet dirty floor. It was raining, and glory's pellets dribbled woefully onto your cheek. Your breath was broken up into sharp, unattainable gasps as you meekly tried to crawl away. Your vision shook white in a painful mix of adrenaline, pain, and panick. Panick thick enough to make you spit and froth out the corners of your mouth.

Your body was ringing, brazen silver alarm bells loud and sparky in your ears. The flashing of tree roots and veins in your vision, and how sharp your sense of smell suddenly became. You could smell the muddy streets clearer than day, and even the smell of cotton candy and battery acid death pouring out from her body. A smell that, even now, still made your lower parts clench.

"Ha-! Ahaha-ha," she laughs. Her voice echoes. In your shaken vision, you see her rise before you, blurry bright cyan blue blinding. Pitifully, you crawl backward, desperate to flee death. Once Jinx has you, she never spares any mercy. You knew that going in, but never, never did you believe it'd become a reality.

You were going to become another number on an ever growing list of people who thought they could kill Jinx and failed.

Once that settled in your brain, pitifully thick tears sprang out from your eyes. You cried loudly, a wail strong enough to shake the most powerful souls. A wail so primal, so childish, a wail that stemmed from early development yet also the evolution of humans itself- the last cry of a dying homosapien at the hands of a bloodlust driven Neanderthal.

A cry that was stopped by the quaking footsteps of Jinx. The booming, sloppy, wet footsteps filled with the vibrations of her getting closer. She fell on top you with a cadence, a gust of quick wind as she straddled you. You gasped and reached forward blindly, raindrops falling in your eyes and mixing with the tears as you clawed at her jaw and neck.

She didn't care. She grabbed your left wrist in a vice, hard enough for you to cry out like an injured lamb. And with her other hand, she gripped your face and trusted hers into your view.

She spoke, "You feel that?"

You gasped, your breathing erratic.

"You're going to die," she laughed at you. "You're going to die, and you almost had me! Not even my sister got that close!" Her voice is like a wicked hyena. Gravely and strained from the battle, creaking to show her physical pain.

But it was enough. It enough for your body to grow limp in her hands like a frightened goat.

Your eyes bare into her face, your head uplifted by her tight hands. As you stare at her skin, as pale as powder, eyes as tired and jaded as a wilted flower, and smile as deranged as a wheel on its last hinge.

She smiles, growing ever close, closed enough for your noses to touch, and for her breath, the mingle with yours, "You know. At this stage. You're suddenly aware of everything around you. Your vision goes to shit. But you can still hear the little birds go 'cheep-cheep-cheep', and the rain-- 'pitter-patter-pitter-patter'. And you can't quite feel the pain, but it's the fear of knowing it's coming that gets you." She grabs the knife, twisting it slightly.

You jolt, crying out in agony. "Your heart rate spikes, you begin to hyperventilate. And there's this ringing in your ears... And... My favorite part, the buzzing behind the eyes," she says as she reaches and stretches your eyelids back. Your pupils shrink, and just as she says, your body systematically begins to follow. Snot pools down your nose, a tell tale sign of your inability to get oxygen. "It's totally useless how we have a nose and mouth. But yet they get so scared and they start working against eachother! Just like families... Just like gangs... like rats," she hisses, and you can feel the etchings of her lips near your cheek as she loopily giggles towards your ear.

"You know, if you breathe through your nose, your hyperventilating will stop," she smiles. Eagerly and foolishly, you obey, shutting your mouth instantly and sucking in gifts of air. But just as instant as you gain it, you lose it within seconds. Jinx pinches your nose shut, her thumb and index vicious like the jerking bite of a shark.

You panick, you eyeballs ringing. And as you try to open your mouth again, she drops your head, ot crashes to the ground, and she slams her free hand to clamp your mouth shut.

"Nhahaha," She laughs. Oh, she laughs. It's manical in nature, enough for you to wet yourself in pure fear. Your hands shoot up to claw at her hands, albeit weakly, and it feels nothing more than a massage to her. By now, you're aware of the warm wet clinging your shirt has to your belly, your pants to your crotch, and the flavorful blend of urine and iron in the wet muddy air.

Your vision spots.

She releases you, but it was already much too late.

"You know what," she says. Her voice trails in and out in your ears. Her blurry figure rises, "I think I'll spare you... That is, if you don't bleed to death out here."

Your head sags, catching the final glimpses of her limping away before it all fades to--

You jolt awake with a hard start. You shoot up, blinded by white lights that eventually shimmer down to a familsr room, your hideout. Your heart bursting a hundred miles an hour out of your chest. It was the feeling of shimmer running down your veins like a cold shower.

Instantly, you recognize your old partner, Kilo, rushing up to you from their seat in the back. Their hands grab yours, but you're even quicker to smack them away. "What t'hell! I was supposed ta-ugh die," you blabber out, spit flying in your jittery rage. Your hands grip your head of hair, your heart racing painfully.

"I heard about your dumb plan, and I came to save you, (y/n)! You had been laying there for God knows how long--" They say but you cut them off with a deadly glare, "Why are you mad? I saved you! Listen, God, you just need to calm down," they pleaded, burning their doe shaped brown eyes into your skull. Eyes you used to find allu ng, before they abandoned Smeech.

Smeech.

Dammit.

Did it really even matter anymore.

Dammit you can't fucking think straight.

How much shimmer did they use on you?

They reached again for you, and you smacked them harder, as hard as your jittery body could manage. They were as thick as a barn, burly and bearded, so your shove did nothing to them. But still, you powered up, barely making out of your bed before you knocked into your bedside table and cracking into your lamp.

As soon as you stood, your heart rate spiked, causing a brilliant gasp to leave your body. The kind of gasp they've only ever heard you release in bed. The kind of gasp that was filled in nostalgic ecstasy, the pain was so reminiscent of when Jinx--

Fuck.

No. Please God no.

"Are you okay," they asked. And with one look from them, you knew that they knew.

They knew.

And they were judging you with those pitiful eyes.

"Jinx did a number on you," they tried to whisper, but you seethed like a jackal.

"Jinx did nothing to me! I am normal! I am fine! I haven't changed," you screeched. Your face was warming, your heartbeat was painful, but memories of your last encounter flooded your brain.

You were going to die in the marvelously sinful hands of Jinx. But she spared you. It made every part of you tingle. You didn't notice when your partner sprang up to catch you, and you as hell didn't notice you falling forward. No, but what you did notice was the worry in their eyes. The worry in their deep masculine voice. And the devil horns springing out of their head.

They knew.

They knew and they were going to tell everyone.

"Get the fuck out of here, bastard!"

You yelled it with all your heart and soul.

And within seconds, you notice their heart crumble. Bleary brown eyes only complimented the flicker of guilt that panged you.

You just.

Needed them gone for good.

You collapsed moments after they left you, moments after the door quietly shut.

You were never going to see them again. They weren't just a partner they were your best friend.

And Jinx.

Jinx was brewing in your heart.

And you knew it then.

You were becoming something you never knew before.

⚗️

You'd imagine Jinx's surpise when the little runt she spared weeks ago came crawling deep onto Silco's old zone (now turned her streets), fully armed. What she thought was a foolish revenge battle turned into something else.

Sevika dropped you dead onto your knees before the desk in Silco's office. Your hands were bound behind your back, and Sevika had already stripped you of all the weapons you had. She walked up to the desk, where the back of Silco's chair faced you, and dropped all the weapons onto it. The daggers and guns flattered and shined in the light.

A dry, crackling laughter sparked into the air. A laughter you knew was hers. It made you tingle again. It made the bruises Sevika left you in all the more worth it.

You were shivering from withdrawals. Jinx withdrawals, adrenaline withdrawals, shimmer withdrawals. You needed her to make you experience that death spark again.

Please Jinx.

"Are you dumb or something," she asks. The chair finally spins to face you, her feet clashing against the table. Her face ridden with withheld rage. She blinks in disbelief with an agape mouth. She jolts forward, grabbing ome of your daggers and launches it towards your face. It narrowly dodges your eye and slices a thin scratch into your cheek.

You hiss and laugh.

It irrates her instantly. Her eye twitched. For the first time in forever, Jinx experienced the stress felt Silco once before. The stress of dealing with idiotic subordinates.

And for once. She didn't find it fucking funny.

"I spared you! But you come back with an even dumber plan. What? Did you think you could just waltz in here and slice me up," she asks. You laugh. She clenches her jaw. With an aggravated start, she jumps out of the chair, stomping on the desk as she slides off it in one quick athletic gesture. In seconds, she's on her feet crouching before you, squeezing chunks of your cheeks between her fingers. "What are you thinking," she spits.

Her grip is vice. It makes your eyes water. But you tingle and shiver all over.

"Mmh. Look at those pupils. You're on shimmer. Or- well, off it. What? Did the jitters make you think you could take me? Reclaim your honor," she says.

"M'hehe..mh," you giggle.

She bares her teeth. She drops your face and stands at break neck speed. Your head crashes to the floor, and you hear the familiar sound of a click.

"Everything about this is stupid and makes no sense. Your plan before was beautifully executed and thought out. So why... Why are you," she winces before she can finish her sentence and pinces her temples. You can hear Sevika cackle in the background. You peek up, staring up the barrel of a pistol. "Geez toots... I might get withdrawls next if you don't- I'dunno, say something," she says.

"Mmh... Jinx... Jus' just kill me... Jinx," you gasp out. Your nose aches, a perfect compliment to the ringing from your ribs from taking a robotic punch earlier. "Kill me... And it'll all be... like it was supposed to... Another number on the "anti" tally," you murmur. Not even you know what you're getting at. Why you're here.

Her heel touches your head. She's purposefully digging it into you. "Aah- haa," you shake.

Sevika gasps sharply, "Oh?" Her eyebrows quirk knowingly. Jinx turns to her, but Sevika merely smirks. "I'll leave you to it," Sevika hums, her shoulders slumping as she steps out. Jinxs eyes flicker with wilderment. Sevika lowered her guard. Totally.

They both knew you weren't a threat. But here, that small gesture confirmed a lot to Jinx. You were harmless, you didn't want to die, but you wanted to be around her. No. You wanted her to hurt you. She tests the waters. Jinx's muddy shoe pets down your head, its light not to hurt you. You buck and shiver again, blabbering out heedless.

No.

You didn't want her to hurt you.

When the realization dawned on her, a breathy cackle split the air. "Ooh! Oh god this is too good! What's that little runt," she squats right down next to you, flipping you onto your belly, "you want me to play with ya? Oh, daddy'll play with you toots."

"Wait- that's not what I what I w-want you to kill me! My honor! I lost it in battle, and i-it can only be claimed in--"

"Nn'haha! You really believe that? Oh god you're a riot! Say it. You want Jinxsy to touch you... And err... Ya'know! Take you to p-town. Play with your cunny?"

You felt an electric jolt sink to your clit. One strong enough to shut you up. Your eyes flicker to her crotch, where her legs were spread as she crouched.

"Ooh," she caught it immediately, "you want my cookie instead, eh?"

You gasped in horror.

"Or box? Is that what the kids call it nowadays? Box... Box... I always wonders why, but," she says as she pushes Silco's desk out the way and sits down in the chair, spreading her legs wide, "apparently! It's called a box cause you can stuff it! Myahaha! Ain't that something?"

You stare blissfully at her spread legs, painfully aware of your slick oozing.

She pats her thigh. "Well? What's the verdict? I'm not pulling my pants down till ya tell me ya' want it. Say it cute-like! Oh Jinx-jinx-jinx-jinx! I want your cookie wookie! Pleaase'z," she drags it out, saying it sing-songly to fuel your embarrassment.

You blabber in disbelief, "Buh," and gulp, "B-But why. Why are you letting me?" You sound like a shy child.

"Why dya' think I spared you? You're pretty hot. And... I liked being handsy with you. It felt good... Gooder than usual... Hah! Prolly cause your whorish, sensual aura stunk up the place. All that temp'TIT'ous-humbo-jumbo! N'ahaha... God you-"

"Please, Jinx," you whimper.

She returns, "Hey. I already told you. We're not unt--"

You squeak, "Let me... Eat it..."

"Huh? Is that how you ask -"

"Let me eat your cookie," you say. She gives you a bland look. "Uh," you gulp, "Please Jinxsy... Let me eat your- c-cookie. Wuh... Wookie."

She laughs, "Tehe, you got it dollface!"

this wasn't ever about smeech, was it?

⚗️

"Ooh... ff-fuck dollface," she mewls breathlessly. Your hands are still tied tight behind your back, balancing wobbly on your knees as you bury your face deep beneath Jinx's bare, pale, milky legs. Your nose is buried deep into her cunt, your tongue and lips viciously lapping at her clit. Twitching between sucking and tapping it. She was swollen already, a clear sign of her sexual negligence.

No, part of you is convinced she is a virgin. Jinx bucks into your mouth, gripping chunks of your hair. Her leg twitching, barely missing kicking your shoulder as it flies off the seat it was propped up on. She let's it slump over your shoulder. And you almost cried at how far her hole was now from your greedy lips.

You growl, "Jinx put your other leg on me... C-cant suck all of you like this."

"Uhh... Hmm," You're sure she was only half listening, but still, she lazily hunches down and stops her other leg on your shoulder. She adjusts herself and leans slouches downward more, sitting on her upper ass and pushing her cunt straight onto your face in the process.

You snuck in deep sniffs, the smell balanced, tart, and salty. You slurp up her folds into your lips, pulling and letting them slip out between your lips. She hisses and mewls delightfully, an airy cackle leaving her lips. She taps your head with two fingers and bobs her head rhythmically, a delighted hum squeaking from her lips. You giggle humored, licking a stripe up her, slowing down to enjoy the moment.

She's staring deep into your eyes, grinding against your flat tongue, slowly matching your rhythm. Your rhythm was closely following the one she hummed and drummed on you.

It was odd, how calm it all suddenly became. How you couldn't seem to look away. You wanted to please her so bad.

A ferocious shiver sparked down you again. You locked in, cupping her clit in your lips, suckling and tapping against it. You buried yourself into her, erratic and fanatic, slurping all of her like it was your last dinner. She squeaks and bucks into your mouth at the sharp change, bowling out her moans. "Aah- ff... Oohh, dollface-ugh," she whines. Her arms fall out, one landing on her forehead, her index and thumb propped up on it, rolling her head back into the chairs cushions.

Her bucking became erratic, her moans spiking, her grip on herself becoming undone. As she reaches with her free hand again to grab chunks of your hair at the root. Her cunt is pink and pale, littered with pretty hair. But your bullying turned it a vulgar shade of red. A red you'd wear on your lips any day.

"Aah! Ah! Aaa-mmgh," she barks out. Her thighs clench vice around your neck, her leg spasming before finally, "Oouh," she janks your head away from her pussy, gasping and waning in the chair.

Her eyes rolled back, while senseless blabbering drooled out her lips. "Mmht... D-Dollface," she sighs blissfully.

"It's (y/n)," you murmur and lean back in to peck at her swollen, ruined pussy.

"(Y-Y/n)?" She gulps, her eyes never returning from their blissful heaven beneath her eyelids. "Mmh yeah... (y/n)," she mumbles, half listening. She sighs after a few seconds, finally looking down at you and- smiling? It was a soft one, geninue and pure.

She asks, "What else can you do?"

"Mmh... I want... to feel good too," you murmur still pecking her pussy and inner thighs.

"Hmmmrr.... Alright. Let's get you fingered up."

"N-No... At the same time as you... Let's grind on our thighs... er like how they do in those... Brothels."

"Ooh what? You mean scissoring? Ha, is this your first time with a woman," she barks a laugh.

"Is this your first time ever, Jinx?"

"Hey," she commands, her face twitches. She shoved your face back into her lips. "Don't get smart with me. You're still my doll," she hums.

"M'forgive me," you mumble out, with pussy between your lips. That was all the answer you need. You slowly begin to suckle her again, hearing her breathy moans pour in.

"Mmh yeah... Let's go to my room..."

⚗️

😁

[flightyalrighty]

Okay, so, I'm going to peel back layers of the character colors to show you how certain steps effect my pages.

Here's the normal Page 2-31 without any speech balloons or sound effects covering up any of the art.

And here's that same page without my lighting layer (linear lighting with cyan blue in panel 1,2, and 4 and a yellow orange in 3, 5, and 6).

and here's that same page without the lighting layer OR the gradient map OR the Flats copy I put on top of that gradient map layer which I put at 40% grey.

and underneath my Rendering layer (the lighter greys in the image that carbe those "shapes" into the characters) and my Grey layer (90% grey), I have my flats layer.

Which, as I've stated above, I copy and put above the gradient map layer, and then I make that copy have a layer mask

Notice how most of that is grey? Normally I make it all that grey color. This creates a low-opacity effect without making EVERYTHING locked into being that specific opacity. I can use this to make specific areas have their bold base colors.

I hope? This helps more? @toomuch-coffe

[tanadrin]

I liked this video from Jamelle Bouie a lot, and I liked it even more because he delivered it as a floating eyes and mouth over an apple.

I'm going to respond to this comment as an apple because I kind of like doing it. It's fun. And I'm gonna respond to this comment by way of a story.

So, all Americans know about the anti-slavery movement, the abolitionist movement. And the way we're taught about the abolitionist movement or the anti-slavery movement, whatever you want to call it, is kind of that this was inevitable--that obviously slavery is terrible and obviously there are people against it and it was gonna end. We teach it as a thing that was bound to happen. So the Civil War comes and slavery is ended, and it's sort of a very neat story.

But I'm gonna ask you to put yourself in the perspective of an abolitionist or an anti-slavery politician in, say, 1840 or 1848; and if you are one of these people, you have a deep-seated opposition to slavery. If you're an abolitionist, you may have spent the previous 10 or 20 years traveling the country, giving speeches, rallying people, doing everything you can to stir up moral outrage at slavery. If you're a politician, you have been working, doing a grind of politics--somewhat dangerous, because people may not like slavery, but they're not super thrilled about black people either--but you are in legislatures, you are filing petitions, you are building coalitions, you are trying to make whatever headway you can to, if not challenge slavery, then at least challenge some of the racist and anti-black laws that are on the books. Both--whether you're an anti-slavery politician or ablitionist--you do not think in 1848 that slavery is gonna be over in your lifetime. You hope that it might be; but you have no particular expectation that it will be. You are not optimistic about the end of slavery. You may not even be optimistic about the world as it exists, because you look around and you see human bondage and horrible brutality that's been there for hundreds of years, and for all you know will be there when you're long dead.

So the question to ask is, why do these things? Why did these people bother? Why did they continue struggling against slavery, despite not really having any optimism about the end of the institution? And the answer--beyond a deep-seated sense of moral commitment--is that these people didn't need to be optimistic in the ultimate outcome, they just needed to be optimistic in the ability of humans, of people to make change; they needed to be hopeful about human agency. That's what they needed, and that's what they had. And so they did not know how far they would be able to take the baton, but they worked and hoped that when the end of their lives came, they'd be able to hand it off to people who could take it even further than they could.

The abolitionists and the anti-slavery politicians were essentially living out what Antonio Gramsci called the pessimism of the intellect and the optimism of the will. I think the exact quote is, "I'm a pessimist because of my intelligence, but I am an optimist because of my will." What this is is recognizing the reality of the world around you, not looking at the world as if it's any better--or any worse--but any better than it is; but not pinning your hopes for a better world on some sort of linear change, linear move towards something better; but pinning your hopes on one of the true constants of human society, which is the ability of human beings to work their will on the world, and the ability of humans to push and persevere.

So, this is all to say that I am not asking anyone to be optimistic about the world. That's very silly; the world's a very terrible place right now--not the worst it could be, but pretty bad--and I do not contest that. But I do think that people should have a bit of this optimism of the will, and this optimism about human agency, and our ability to build a better world. And this is sort of where my very strong distaste for doomerism comes from, because the sense that it is the worst, and nothing can be better, is just fundamentally incompatible with any kind of optimism of the will, any kind of belief in human agency and belief in our ability to change the world around us. And it's also why you will find me on this account often pushing back against the most negative renderings of what is happening in our society, for example. Not because I think everything is great--I do not--but because I do think that the path towards change requires one to have clear eyes about the situation in which you find yourself; and clear eyes both means recognizing the bad, but it also means recognizing those areas where you can make gains, and where you can find success; and where you can win minor victories.

And you may say, well, what's the point of a minor victory? But I think what the anti-slavery struggle demonstrates, what the civil rights struggle demonstrates, what the labor struggle demonstrates in this country, is that minor victories become fuel for modest victories, become fuel for major victories, and major victories can be the things that fundamentally change the entire field of play. So. Pessimism of the intellect, my friend, optimism of the will.

[g1rld1ary]

pushing it down and praying - ex! james potter x fem!reader

part 2 to let things go wc: 5935 cw: angst with some comfort, lots of crying, swearing, blood and cuts, toxic partners, kind of misogynistic speech? pls lmk if i miss any me: has taken me a hot minute but part 2 is finally here! it ended up being so much longer than i expected so i assume there will probably be a part 3 at some point bc theres so much to explore with this dynamic

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

Lily’s apartment was cozy but refined, absolutely perfect for her. You could see furniture and decorations you recognised from when she first got her place with Mary, but it was clear she’d grown up, and the flat had matured with her. Your heart clenched as you realised you’d missed it all.

Thankfully, Lily hadn’t commented on your absence, hadn’t made any snide remarks that you were crawling back because you had nowhere else to go. She just held you in a long embrace the second you walked through her door, rubbing your back softly as you began to cry again.

Remus was standing behind her, a pitiful frown on his face.

“Long time no see, love.” He pulled you towards him, his knitted sweater warm and soft against you.

“I’ve missed you,” You mumbled against his chest, holding him tighter until you were almost sure you weren’t going to bawl anymore.

Remus and Lily fussed around you until you were wrapped in a thick duvet, sitting on Lily’s couch with a steaming mug of tea.

You were glad you’d let everything out over the phone; it negated the necessity to explain it under their pitiful, sympathetic gazes. Instead, you let them both fill you in on their lives.

It seemed like everything had changed, yet was still exactly the same. The friendship group had stayed, but jobs, partners, and living arrangements had shifted and altered in the time you’d been away. You hung onto their every word, filling in the gaps that had slowly appeared over the years.

Then Lily asked you to return the favour. You hesitated, unsure of where to start. You started on something safe: your career. Objective achievements, a linear progression between positions and responsibilities. You told them about the hobbies you’d picked up and those which you’d long abandoned. Finally, you told them about your flat.

You described the shitty heating that only worked once every four or five days, meaning you had blankets ready on every surface just in case. You told them about the single square metre kitchen (only a slight exaggeration) where you had to contort yourself to open any of the cupboards, but how you turned it into a game and had even started to love it. You told them about your bedroom and the sanctuary it had become, with eccentric lamps you’d found antiquing and the same cozy bedspread you’d had since adolescence.

Speaking about your bed brought you back to thoughts of Adam, though, and you could feel your spirit sink again at the idea of him moving in. Remus and Lily exchanged concerned looks, unsure of how to broach the subject.

“So, Adam’s moving in?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Can I ask something that might be uncomfortable?” Lily continued at your nod, “You and Adam have been together for, what, a couple years now, and he still hasn’t moved in? What’s your hesitation?”

You looked around at both your friends for a long moment, feeling bile rise in the back of your throat. It was bitter and burned inside your mouth, echoing how you’d been feeling all day.

“I don’t know,” You croaked, staring daggers through your tea mug, “I mean I love him! I think. But, I just… I don’t know if I want to wake up next to him forever, you know? If he moves in, it feels like that’s it. It’s permanent.”

Lily looked at you in a way that was very familiar, eyebrows knitted together in pity. You kept your eyes anywhere but hers, carefully examining some of the framed photos on the wall.

“You know it’s okay to not want what someone tells you you’re supposed to, right?” Remus said, pulling a blanket over himself on a plush armchair. You nodded, duh, but really hearing it, you bit your lip.

“It’s just, like, it’s been years, right? He’s been asking to move in since before we hit a year, and it just feels like if we don’t do it now, then he’ll break up with me. And I don’t want that! I don’t think, or — or, I didn’t, but now things are extra weird and… Ugh.” You didn’t mean to ramble or reveal so much, but you were sure it wasn’t such a surprise after the previous events of the night, and the way that Remus and Lily had known you for a million years and were intimately familiar with your tells. Evidently, you hadn’t changed that much with Adam.

“Lovely, you can’t be making huge lifestyle changes just to hope that someone doesn’t break up with you. If Adam is really the one for you, he shouldn’t mind if you tell him you’re not ready for it yet.”

“Besides,” Lily added, “We’re all still young. It’s okay to just want to experience living alone in your twenties. There’s no timeline that you have to do anything.”

“Okay,” You nodded shakily, “I’ll tell him tomorrow that I’m not ready for him to move in, but that I want us to stay together. Maybe we can reevaluate or something in a few months?” You missed the look that Remus and Lily exchanged — not ideal, but it’s a start.

“That sounds good, honey.” Lily smiled, asking if you wanted any of the ice cream she had left in the freezer.

Ten minutes later, you were all chowing down on chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, giggling over much lighter subjects.

“Is Sirius still working on that bike?” You asked, remembering the broken-down motorcycle he’d bought for almost nothing right when you graduated. He’d still been trying to repair it the last time you saw him.

“It’s working now, he’s even managed to get it flying,” Lily replied with a smile.

“God help us all,” Remus interjected, shaking his head, which made you giggle.

“You’ll have to come round and see it sometime, it’s actually quite a good-looking bike. ‘Course we’re all scared half to death whenever he rides it, but you know Sirius can’t be dissuaded.”

You asked a few other questions — had Marlene made much progress with the electric guitar? Was Peter still the best in the group at chess? Then, quietly, nervously, you asked, “How’s James?”

They both paused before answering, clearly choosing words carefully.

“He’s good,” Remus said, “Still playing quidditch, of course, but he’s beginning to think of life outside of playing and branching out to other projects. Have you seen any games?”

You shook your head. “Not since… it ended. And Adam doesn’t know I’m a witch, so it’s just easier to tune out of it all.”

“Still?” Lily asked, disbelief clear in her raised eyebrows, “They’re at the top of the ladder this season anyway, maybe you can come over and watch a match one time if you’re not up to attending in person — they’ve finally caught up with muggle television.” Remus brought over one of the framed photos sitting beside the television as Lily spoke, clearly a recent one. James looked good, like always.

“Outside of work?” You poked, trying to talk around your point. Remus just raised an eyebrow. He always was too smart for his own good.

“He’s had a few short-term girlfriends, but nothing more than a few months. I think he’s looking to settle down, though.”

“He always wanted a family.” You nodded.

“As do you,” Lily said, though it sounded more like a challenge. You choked on your ice cream at the implication, shaking your head.

“I’m with Adam,” You confirmed, partly for yourself.

“Never said you weren’t” She held her hands up in surrender, “Just something to think about.”

The next night, you invited Adam over for a home-cooked dinner. An apology of sorts for the night before, and a softener for what was to come.

You sat across from him, pushing your pasta around the bowl as you tried to broach the subject. Adam was focused on his food, attacking the bowl like he had something to prove.

“So, um, I have to tell you something,” You said, fork scraping against the porcelain bowl.

“What?” More of a statement than a question, but you proceeded anyway.

“I don’t think we should move in together.” Adam’s head snapped up to face you, already clouding over with anger. “But I don’t think we should break up! Not at all, I want to be with you, I do. Just… I’m only getting started in my life, and I think I need to have this time where I’m figuring so much out to be okay with being alone and self-sufficient.”

“And you can’t figure that shit out with me in the flat?” He asked, unimpressed.

“It’s not about you, Adam,” You sighed, running a hand through your hair, “That’s the whole point. It’s about me. I want to be a fully formed woman, I need to know who I am in my soul before I attach my identity to yours!”

“I don’t get it, isn’t that the fucking point? This is a serious, grown-up relationship, is it not? What are you waiting for? Do you not love me, is that it?” It wasn’t like Adam was yelling or flipping tables or anything, but tears welled at your lash line, threatening to bubble over and down your cheeks.

“Can we just take a minute?” You begged, hands splayed out on the table like they were keeping you upright. “I don’t want this to be a fight.” Adam huffed but nodded, and you went to go sit in your bedroom while he took the couch as you both cooled off — well, Adam cooled off and you cried.

Your bedroom was still a mess from your attempts at cleaning out yesterday, but you sidestepped the piles of junk in order to throw yourself across your mattress, sobbing into the pillow as you clutched it tight between your arms.

It went exactly how you thought it would — Adam taking it overly personal and blowing up. He just didn’t get it. He’d already done all his figuring out by the time he’d even met you; he was almost thirty! Adam had his whole life planned out, and you were dragging him behind.

In your devastation, to your entire shame and disgrace, you began to think about James. What would your life be like now if you hadn’t broken up? Would you have moved in together by now? Or would you be resisting it like you were now? A memory struck you, one that had you crying harder.

You lay on James’ naked chest, hand softly playing with his curls. You’d both just lost your virginities and were basking in the post-sex haze in his bedroom over the summer holidays, shrouded in white sheets, orange sun rays filtering through the window.

“How long do you think we’ll be together for?” You asked, voice small, though you didn’t pull away from him. It was an insecure question, you knew, but it had been a vulnerable day.

“As long as you’ll have me,” James answered without hesitation, hand drawing gentle circles in the small of your back. You smiled, so big James could feel it against his skin.

“Will we get married?” You followed up, tracing his jawline featherlight.

“Somewhere gorgeous,” He replied, “In a garden with those flowers you like, the purple ones.”

“Sirius will be your best man, and Lily will be my maid of honour, and your mum will cry buckets.” You were both giggling, giddy in the way only teenagers in love can be.

“Will we have children?” He asked, pulling you so you were directly on top of him, the two of you nose to nose.

“Yes,” You paused to think, “Two or three maybe. One boy and two girls.”

“Sounds good to me, lovely. Can’t wait for forever.”

You were smiling through the tears, the nostalgic joy of the memory flooding through you. A knock at the door had the warmth seeping out of you, pulling you back to the moment you were living in. You made an affirmative noise, and Adam cracked the door open, looking a little like a kicked dog.

“I don’t want to fight, babe. I won’t move in yet.”

You managed a weak smile, nodding as you blinked a few times until your eyes were dry.

Adam sat next to you, the mattress dipping under him. He put an arm around you, your muscles tensing under his touch.

“It’s okay, babe. I get that you need time to grow up or whatever, but we love each other, so it’s fine. I can still stay over, right?”

“Yeah,” You hesitated, “Yeah, of course.”

“Good,” He said, leaning over to kiss you, “Because I couldn’t live without you.”

You let Adam kiss you, malleable under his direction. He pushed you back onto the mattress, and you let him slide your red woollen sweater over your head, kissing down your neck and collarbone.

Soon you were naked, lying still underneath Adam as he slid in and out of you, his eyes screwed shut in pleasure. I love him, you told yourself, I love him. And so you kissed him, craning your neck to reach him, hoping he couldn’t see written on your face what was creeping into your heart.

You closed your eyes, a big mistake. In your head, instead of Adam fucking you it was James, his doe eyes boring into your own. Fuck, you wanted to feel guilty. You knew it was wrong, Adam was your boyfriend. Not James. James hadn’t been your boyfriend for years.

And yet, you didn’t feel guilty that you were fantasising about your ex whilst you were actively having sex with your current boyfriend. In fact, you’d just started feeling good. Your back arched up into Adam’s chest as you moaned, “Fuck, touch me.” You fell just short of crying James’ name, thank god.

Adam finished, collapsing on top of you and wrapping his arms around your middle.

“Love you,” He mumbled, holding you tighter.

“Yeah,” You whispered, rolling onto your side, “You too.”

You were still awake an hour later, staring at the wall, bathed in silver light from the moon outside the window. On your nightstand stood two framed photos, one of you and Adam early in your relationship, his arms around you as you both stood in a nightclub, wide smiles on both your faces. The second was of your Hogwarts friends when you were much younger, at Remus’s sixteenth birthday party.

You were all squished around the armchair that Remus sat in, a crooked birthday crown sitting on his hair. You were next to James but your arms rested on Remus’ shoulders so it wasn’t obvious that you guys were a couple at that time — but you knew his hand was resting on your arse behind the back of the seat. If Adam was privy to that knowledge, then you knew the photo would have been thrown away years ago.

You couldn’t help staring at James. He looked the same as he did when you broke up, bright grin and mischief in his eyes. His glasses were crooked across his nose, you remember reaching up to adjust them after the picture was taken. You missed him; you couldn’t deny that to yourself. But it wasn’t romantic, you reasoned, just nostalgia spurred on by the past few days. You only pictured him instead of Adam because it was an experience you were used to, no other reason. You repeated that mantra until you fell into an unsatisfying sleep.

A few weeks passed, and you were making a conceited effort to stay in touch with your old friends. At first, it was just Lily and Remus, confident in knowing that they still liked you. But eventually, you reached out to the rest of the girls too, pushing through an awkward coffee date to reestablish your previous connection. You hadn’t reached out to Sirius yet, and you knew you’d never contact James, but you were content that you were taking steps to bring back the old part of your life.

“I’m off,” You said one evening, pulling on your coat, “Headed to the pub with Lily and some of the girls.”

“Since when are you hanging out with them?” Adam asked, looking up from the football match he was watching on your couch.

“Just recently,” You answered blithely, “I realised I hadn’t seen them in forever! Crazy.” You purposefully left out any suggestion that it was Adam’s doing; it would just cause another fight.

“I thought you didn’t like them anymore? Remember you said they were too immature?”

“I didn’t—” You cut yourself off, shrinking in shame when you recalled the moments the words left your mouth, trying desperately to seem cool in front of Adam’s older friends. “Well, um, you know. It’s been a couple years, maybe they’ve changed.” You slipped out the door before Adam could say anything else about it.

Later that night, or earlier the next morning, you stumbled in, blissful from a night of laughter and dancing with your friends, just like when you were younger. You didn’t expect to see Adam still up, a sitcom rerun playing, but he clearly wasn’t watching.

“Where’ve you been?” He asked, standing.

“I told you, out with the girls.”

“Til two in the morning?” He took a step towards you, and you headed towards your bedroom.

“We went dancing.”

“Great, so you were probably grinding on some other fuckin’ guy,” He huffed, and you hurried over to him, a soft hand on his bicep.

“I would never! Adam, you’re my boyfriend.”

“Prove that you love me.”

You were beginning to have a problem. Lying naked in bed, Adam inside you, yet you couldn’t enjoy it unless you were picturing James instead. You had to imagine it was James’ lightly calloused fingers running up and down your sides to derive any pleasure from it.

And still, you couldn’t feel guilty, because when you closed your eyes and James’ kind smile replaced Adam’s, you’re insides finally ignited, giving you a release you’d been waiting for. The same which convinced Adam you hadn’t cheated on him. Funny how that works.

Things were shaky, but mostly alright, for a few more weeks. You saw your friends when you could, but tried not to bring it up very much in front of Adam. He got moodier every time you mentioned them. Snide comments, subtle insults, you had no idea why he hated them so much.

It all came to a head a few weeks later.

“I’m off to lunch, you can stay here if you’d like,” You said, applying your mascara in the hallway mirror.

“And I wonder who you’re going out with.” He rolled his eyes with a huff.

“It’s Remus’ birthday,” You pleaded, “I have to go.”

“But Remus hates me, how could you be friends with someone who hates your boyfriend?”

“He doesn’t hate you.” He does. “Besides, it’s his birthday, and it’s just lunch. I can’t miss it.”

“Fine, whatever. I just can’t believe you’re choosing them over me.” Adam turned back to the television, your shoulders slumping as you sighed, hand making its way up to your forehead.

“I’m not choosing either of you — whatever, I’ll be back in a few hours. Let yourself out.”

At your lunch, you recounted the story to your friends with a casual air, scolding Remus when he interjected with a deadpan “I do hate him.”

“He’s really not that bad, Remus. He’s just not maybe your kind of guy.”

“He’s no one’s type of guy,” Marlene snorted, “He’s barely a man. Six years older than you and acting like a child.”

“Come on, guys,” You sighed with a small smile, “We’re here for Remus, not to rag on my boyfriend.”

The conversation moved on to lighter subjects, but you couldn’t help the sinking feeling that maybe your friends had a point. It wasn’t like they would lie to you, right? Surely if all of them thought Adam wasn’t right for you, there was some truth to the statement.

You figured it was an issue you’d deliberate over when you were home alone, not when you were in the company of friends.

Even Sirius was there, giving you a long embrace when you reunited, though the energy between you wasn’t as effortless as it had been in the past — you couldn’t blame him. You were told James couldn’t make it because of quidditch training, but Remus said he saw James enough that it didn’t really matter whether or not he was there for the official celebration.

You stumbled along the path with Mary, who lived nearby, giggling as you’d perhaps gone overboard at bottomless lunch. You were unaware of Adam still in the apartment, watching you with contempt from your front window, three stories up.

“See me soon, okay?” Mary made you pinky promise, kissing you on both cheeks.

“Of course, we’ll go see that movie you were talking about — the one about the cowboys.” You nodded eagerly, squeezing her hand as you turned towards your door.

You fumbled with the keys, missing the slot two or three times before pushing into your flat. To your surprise, instead of the tranquil apartment you were expecting, Adam was standing in the middle of your open plan area, clutching something tightly in his hand.

“Hey,” You said lightly, stepping closer. You could finally make out James’ postcard wrinkling under Adam’s grip, and your face fell. Looking over, your room was in disarray, your memory boxes strewn across the floor.

“What the fuck is this?” He held up the postcard, practically vibrating in his fury.

“Adam…”

“No, what the fuck is this? How can you possibly defend having all this just sitting in your bedroom?”

“Adam, it’s not what you think.”

“Not what I think? You’ve got boxes full of shit from your ex-boyfriend, how can there be any other explanation?”

“It’s stuff from my friends too, it’s just from my school years!” You tried to defend yourself.

“Don’t lie to me!” Adam yelled, and you faltered, shrinking away from him. “You’re still fucking in love with him, aren’t you?”

“I’m not,” You protested, tears welling in your eyes.

“You know, my friends all told me you weren’t worth it. That you were immature and hung up on that dick, that I was dating below my league. But I defended you, said you were mature for your age, that you were cool. And this is how you fucking thank me? By emotionally cheating on me with your fucking teenage boyfriend? You’re just a pathetic girl.”

You could only watch, paralysed, as Adam ripped up the postcard, tossing it to the floor. A fat tear rolled down your cheek.

“Adam, please, can we just talk about this, it’s not like that!”

“Talk about what? That I’ve given you years of love just for you to run back to some washed up high school jock you dated when you were sixteen?”

“I haven’t seen James in years!” You yelled over him desperately, sobs wracking through your body.

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’ll treat you like a child. I’m fucking done.” Adam stormed past you, pausing only to throw your framed graduation photo on the floor, the glass of the frame shattering into a thousand pieces at your feet.

The door closed with a violent slam, and you sank to the floor, hardly noticing the shards of glass tearing up the skin of your knees. You clutched the remnants of the photo, too distraught to care about the blood dripping from your hands as you grasped the ruined frame hopelessly.

You cried for what felt like hours, alone in your dark apartment, unable to gather the energy to even switch on a lamp. It was only when you had no tears left to cry that you pushed yourself up onto shaky legs, stumbling out of your flat in a daze.

You wandered down the streets, limping from where a particularly deep cut had sliced into the join of your knee. You weren’t bothered by the disturbed stares of passersby, too emotionally drained to even be self-conscious.

You didn’t stop until you were standing at Lily’s doorstep, weak hand extending to the doorbell.

Inside, the gang had continued Remus’ birthday celebrations, everyone giggling over wine and a Bowie record. When the doorbell rang, clear and piercing even through the joyous noise, no one expected the visitor waiting to be let in.

Of course, it was Lily who opened the door, gasping in horror as she took you in, grabbing the attention of the rest of the party.

You stood in the doorway, mascara running down your cheeks, your hair a mess. You were still wearing the mini skirt and blouse you’d worn to lunch, but your bare shins were covered in blood, matching your hands, from where you’d been cut up by glass shards.

Lily ushered you in, and you followed her numbly down the entrance way toward your friends.

“Hey,” You croaked, voice rough from harsh sobs.

They all spoke at once, questions of what happened and whether you were okay, exclamations of horror at your sorry state.

“Did he do this to you?” Sirius asked, and no one had to clarify who ‘he’ was.

“No,” You shook your head, “Not directly.”

“We need to get you cleaned up,” Lily said, comforting hand warm on your back. For the first time, though, you’d noticed James.

He looked the same, yet entirely different. The years had changed him for the better. James had grown into his features, strong jawline just dusted with a five o’clock shadow. His curls had grown out slightly, sitting just below his ears, but his glasses were still crooked on his face, just as you remembered them always being.

Right now, though, his face was far from the sunny, mischievous expression you were used to seeing. As you locked eyes for the first time in years, conflict was clear on James’ face. You were sure yours was exactly the same.

“Uh, come on.” Lily pulled you gently, leading you along to the bathroom. By the time you arrived, you were crying again.

Lily didn’t question you as she sat you on the closed toilet lid, letting you silently cry as she wet an old rag. There was a knock at the bathroom door, just two quick ones which echoed against the tiles. Lily cracked the door open, a slight gasp escaping her as she came face to face with James.

“What are you doing?” She asked softly, a hand reaching out to comfort him. There was no reason he should be coming after you.

“I’m the only one here with any first aid training,” He replied, studiously avoiding you, “Glass is trickier than a plan cut.”

“Oh, ok,” Lily nodded, “Do you want me to stay?” She whispered, and you pretended you couldn’t hear despite the three of you all occupying the same square metre. James shook his head, and they swapped places, Lily giving him a long look before leaving you two alone.

James didn’t say anything at first, simply taking the rag that Lily had left in the sink, wringing it out so it wasn’t dripping, before making his way over to you. You didn’t make eye contact.

“I’ll just clean off the dried blood first, shouldn’t hurt too bad.” James’ voice was more gruff than you remembered, but maybe that was because he was with you. You didn’t say anything, but gave him a small nod.

James started with your knees, pressing the rag lower on your shins where the blood had run to. That part didn’t hurt, so you sat in silence, the only reprieve coming from the music floating softly from the living room. The bathroom door was only open a crack, closing by itself in the movement before.

“What are you holding?” He broke the silence. You looked down, snapping out of a daze. You didn’t have the words to describe the picture without absolutely sounding weird or talking yourself into a hole, so you just held it out for him to inspect.

James took it from you, careful not to cut himself on the sharp edges. You watched in real time as his eyes softened, the beginnings of a smile twitching at his lips as he examined it.

“From graduation?” He asked. You nodded, your own smile threatening your lips.

“It made me happy every time I looked at it; I had to keep it.”

You locked eyes, and for a moment, it felt like nothing had changed, that you were both freshly out of school and in love. Then, in an instant, you were both back in the present moment. You both averted your eyes quickly, examining your injuries.

“Um, this part’ll hurt. I would do it with magic, but honestly, the glass kinda stresses me out, I’d rather just do it by hand.”

James dug around in Lily’s bathroom cabinet until he found a pair of tweezers, and you winced before he’d even approached with them.

It took fifteen minutes for James to fish all the shards out of your knee, the only sound being your whimpers and James’ quiet apologies.

“You ready for the hand, or do you wanna take a break?” He asked softly, still not looking at you.

“No, do it. I just want this whole nightmare to be over.”

You whimpered as the tweezers fished around in your cut, screwing your eyes shut tight as you tried to stay still.

“It’s almost over, love, you’re alright,” James said, before visibly remembering where he was and becoming serious once again, “Uh, I’ll be quick.” You didn’t say anything, too focused on trying not to jerk away from James’ intrusions.

James pulled out a bandage and some rubbing alcohol, preparing to treat the wounds. You hissed as James cleaned the wound, the alcohol burning inside the raw flesh. He put a hand on your thigh to comfort you out of past habit, thumb caressing the skin gently.

He wrapped your hand up in the bandage, touch soft though you still weren’t talking.

At long last, you were finished, yet James didn’t move from in front of you. You stared at each other, years of unsaid feelings coming to the surface.

“Did he hurt you?” James asked, tone low and dangerously controlled.

“He didn’t do this.” You looked down at your bandaged hand and knees.

James just nodded curtly, clearly satisfied that he didn’t have to go kill a man. He stood, holding the door open politely so you could rejoin the others.

You took a seat next to Remus on the sofa, smiling weakly when he put a comforting hand on your thigh.

“Do you wanna tell us what happened, honey?” Mary asked sweetly, bringing you a tea from the kitchen.

“I don’t know, it seems so stupid now…” You recounted the afternoon anyway, tears burning behind your eyes. Your friends all looked to be in various states of shock and horror as you told them what Adam said to you.

“You’re acting like a child? Be fucking for real,” Remus snapped to no one in particular.

“So what now?” Marlene asked.

“Well, ‘I’m fucking done’ was quite clear. We’re broken up.” You didn’t look at James, too afraid of his reaction.

There was a moment of silence in the room before your friends erupted in thunderous applause, hooting and hollering as Lily fetched a bottle of champagne from the kitchen. James didn’t partake in the external celebrations; in fact, you couldn’t read his face at all.

Still, when a bubbling glass was handed to you with an accompanying congratulations, you couldn’t help but smile through your upset.

“Our girl is free!” Sirius sang, draping himself across Remus to cheers your glass, pressing a wet kiss to your cheek.

“Shove off,” You laughed despite yourself, “I’ve just been dumped, you dick.”

“Yeah, by a man who we’ve been hoping you would see the light and break up with for years!” Mary cackled, and you giggled, the bubbles already floating up to your head through your bloodstream.

“Where do you go from here, practically?” Lily asked kindly, always the one to be thinking pragmatically.

“Well, thank god he didn’t move in, so I don’t have to deal with any lease stuff. Honestly, the only thing I lose is his friends, but they never liked me anyway. They thought I was immature, or too much or whatever.”

“So literally no loss,” Remus said casually, “You’re better off, even. Though we could have told you that after the first date.”

“Hindsight’s 20/20, right?” You said weakly, revelling at least in your friend’s laughter. “Lils, would it be possible for me to stay here tonight? There’s still a bunch of Adam’s stuff in my flat that I couldn’t bear to look at tonight.” Lily agreed in a heartbeat, of course.

The night wore down, and your friends all eventually set off for their own homes. You were mostly left with congratulations and celebratory hugs, but you stood in front of James as he set off for the door, tension thickening before your eyes.

“Thank you for helping me,” You said earnestly.

“It’s no problem, wouldn’t want you to have to deal with a messy breakup and glass embedding in your body,” He tentatively joked, the new dynamic between you entirely unexplored.

“It was really nice to see you, James.”

“Yeah,” He hesitated, “Yeah, you too. You deserve so much more than that jerk ever gave you.”

With that, he walked off, leaving you stunned and conflicted in the middle of Lily’s living room.

Half an hour later, you were lying beside Lily in her double bed, the moment feeling perfectly like you were having your childhood sleepovers again.

“Thanks for letting me stay,” You whispered, squeezing Lily’s hand under the covers.

“Anytime, you know that.”

“Thanks for letting me come back.” You both paused, the weight of what you’d let happen over the years sinking in. You’d missed so much. Nobody was the same as they were, including you.

“This is your chance, my love. Figure out who you are. Not who he wants you to be.”

[velvetvexations]

I don't agree with the notion that Kira's arc in DS9 is about forgiveness of one's oppressors because I think 'forgiveness' is a very specific thing that isn't really what I see depicted in her story. She never absolves the Cardassians for anything. She fights with them against the Dominion, but (A) not wanting them to be genocided isn't the same as forgiveness, (B) Kira just happened to be one of the most important people in the war and she may have been considerably less enthused about fighting for Cardassia if so much of that job did not rest on her shoulders personally, and (C) there's entirely practical reasons for that anyhow given that the Dominion is trying to conquer everyone.

Like, it seems like what people put down as Kira forgiving the Cardassians is managing to see individuals as unworthy of being hate crimed in the streets, which is a fairly low bar. She bonded with Maritza as someone who was also traumatized and desperately trying to heal what had happened but situation was insane for a million reasons and I think it's wrong to simplify it down to her being cool with Cardassians now or deciding that he was innocent because he was just a clerk and felt really bad about it. Like, that was several seasons before she gave a fiery speech about how she didn't care whether an occupier "held a phaser in your hand or you ironed shirts for a living."

If she had really forgiven the Cardassians, if that had been part of her arc, Kira would have been much more contrite to Prin. She would have still justified her actions as necessary, but she would not be nearly as fiercely defiant about it as she was. Kira clearly still carried that anger from growing up knowing nothing but horrific oppression. She's regretful about the comment she makes to Damar later but aside from that also having practical concerns (not wanting to fuck up their extremely tense alliance) the fact that she made it in the first place again shows that it's not something she's let go.

I think DS9 takes a stance on letting hatred fester and curdle in you for your entire life but I don't think that means you have to forgive anyone for anything. It's like Sisko's trauma in the pilot - it's not linear! When things are over you have to pick up the pieces the best you can and move on, for your own sake as much as anyone else's.