#temporarily helped me out of my funk

[stars-n-spice]

oooh boy more wips-

ok so I was in a really really shitty mood,, fucking,, idk what's up man,, I've been in a funk lately so I was like,, I need to do something to fix it and,, I ended up looping "Te Amo Y Más" from The Book of Life to try and relax and then my brain started thinking and I-

It's like 3 am right now what the hell,,

Anyways

Because when I'm in a shitty mood and can't sleep apparently all I've got to do is loop Diego Luna singing while drawing my sillies being soft and domestic and shit,,

aughhhhhh

I'm going to end up making stuff for the rest of the song,, this is just the beginning-

[kiri-cuts]

An adorable Nietzsche death star in “The Super Mario Bros. Movie”

For a few months back in the thick isolating tar of 2020, I sat in my damp one-bedroom flat and dramatically envisioned myself as Artex, the ethereal equine who sinks into the Swamp of Sadness in “The Neverending Story.” “Blub, blub,” I’d say to the quiet company of mold in the corners of the walls. “Down I go.” 

I’d dream about my head sinking promptly into the muck, one feature at a time. My round chin and miserable little downturned mouth checking themselves in at the one-star beach resort of death called Depression, my flared nostrils padding themselves closed with soil, my eyes nestling into the sweet slumber of swampytime. My hair would be the last to go, submerging itself with all the joyful enthusiasm of a lump of sugar into a thick latte foam. 

As it turns out, the Swamp of Sadness ain’t worth shit. Pull yourself into its deepest and most suffocating clot all you want, but you’ll still have to work, eat, do the dishes, wake up every day, etc. Artex never had that problem –- lucky bastard –- and the brochure for Depression certainly left those details out of its marketing spiel (no wonder it was only a one-star resort). 

A few months earlier I’d bought a Nintendo Switch on an impulse purchase. It was an item I couldn’t particularly afford, but brains pushing for death don’t exactly fixate on such details. And so it was that I played “Mario Odyssey” in the midst of an agonising funk, and on a daily basis the aforementioned swamp would get temporarily hosed off. For much of the game, I was horrendous at preserving Mario’s life. The little jump-crazed dungaree enthusiast died a million deaths –- each one more punishing and avoidable than the last. 

This was never intentional, I’m just terrible at games. But as it went on, and the game progressed, I realised that this was potentially the entire point of many Super Mario games and others of its ilk. As each level wore on, muscle memory kicked in and I fell into the various bouncy rhythms of survival that Mario has to offer. 

In order to be victorious, Mario had to repeatedly eat shit. He had to fall off walls, ricochet off lava, get his arse chewed out by a mega-chain chomp, and drown. And then next time, maybe he wouldn’t. In fact, death helps to ease the navigation for the next attempt –- you know what not to do and where not to do it. As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “Death is close enough at hand so we do not need to be afraid of life.” Amen, brother. 

This mechanism is referenced within “The Super Mario Bros. Movie,” in which Mario –- in an attempt to simultaneously impress his bird and save his cowardly brother –- must complete a treacherous obstacle course. And of course, he absolutely eats shit in his first attempt –- but he gets better. 

Perhaps the greatest reflection of this ideology, though, comes courtesy of a luminescent glow of nihilism called Lumalee –- a delightful prisoner caged up in Bowser’s dungeon who cheerfully proclaims an abundance of cynical statements in favor of death. “There is no escape. The only hope is the sweet relief of death,” they joyfully muse. Later, when the film’s finished, they gleefully tell the audience, “Everything’s over now and all that’s left is you and infinite void.” Our boy Nietzsche would be proud. 

For those in the know (so, not me), Lumalee is based on a species of creatures called Luma from “Super Mario Galaxy.” At the end of that game, a whole adorable group of them happily kamikaze into death’s sweet embrace courtesy of a black hole fashioned by Bowser. Like Steve-O in a glass factory, these little cuties just absolutely love the chaos of life, the natural sting of pain, and the delicious thrall of extinction. It really puts things in perspective. 

While I have no doubt there are some players who can walk through every level of any “Super Mario” game without a single misstep or death –- just as there are people in this world who have likely never had to face a single day of depression or anxiety –- the purpose is to repeatedly face death. To endure it, to return to it, to vanquish it. Live, die, repeat. Collect enough hearts in the game, and you’re more or less impervious to whatever spikes life –- or levels –- have in store for you. As Nietzsche once put it, “One has to pay dearly for immortality; one has to die several times while one is still alive.” And Mario does, good sir. Oh, how he does. And he absolutely motherfucking loves it, too. 

And I can’t lie, after I’d gatecrashed Bowser’s wedding, smashed his bird, and drank the free bar of his castle dry to the point that I could reach the “Mario Odyssey” finale, I actually felt emotional. Me and this little Italian plumber had been through so many deaths together and come through it all smiling –- just a couple of big cocky lads kicking over the big boi’s nuptials bash. Somehow, I didn’t feel the sweet embrace of that swamp anymore. In fact, I momentarily forgot it existed. And yes, so I then got up everyday, and I ate shit everyday –- we all did, and we still do. But there are so many 1-Ups. And when all else fails, there’s always nihilism.

[burntoasters]

Tw depressing thoughts/I hate the holidays

I feel replaceable

I don’t know why recently I have just felt so… replaceable. Like I am just a place holder untill someone better comes along. Or like I am just there for when people don’t have anyone else but don’t want to be alone?

Since my partner and I broke up a few weeks ago, I thought I would feel much better. And I did for a bit, almost like a dead weight was lifted off my shoulders. Still I feel… I feel really fucking lonely. There’s such a vast difference in loneliness of a person who says they love you but doesn’t have time for you, and being genuinely alone. Even if they were a shitty partner… I wasn’t alone.

But now I am

2 people who were only temporarily staying at my house finally moved out, and then a few days later my roommate of 2 years went to go house sit for almost 2 weeks so the only people I have interacted with is my coworkers and most of us don’t really get along (and they are all at least 6 plus years older than me). I also live in butt fuck nowhere Deep South so everyone is… redneck 🤮

Don’t get me wrong, there are some genuinely good redneck folks who just want to help others. Unfortunately the bad ones are so much more common they tend to overshadow anyone else, and even those rednecks are exactly “friendly” to any lgbtqia+

I was really hoping I could find something to do or someone to hang out with that could maybe pull me out of my funk. And I thought I would get that opportunity when my best friend from high school asked if we could spend a whole day together on a day we were both off. Obviously I said yes, I hadn’t seen them in forever. I’ve been doing their hair for almost a year now I think maybe less. They had asked me to touch it up for Christmas, and also go with them to do some holiday shopping.

I don’t love Christian cause of uhh… ✨trauma✨ but they knew so much about my history that I knew I would feel safe enough with them that I wouldn’t have a complete breakdown. I was actually looking forward to it a lot, I even told the couple coworkers I talk to about it. The day before we were supposed to hang out I texted them and I asked if we were still on. They replied a few hours later with a “heck yeah”

Within a minute of their text I quickly asked if it was possible if they could pick me up since I have been having car trouble, I even offered to give gas money.

I guess that was too much to ask for, because they proceeded to not respond for the next 5 days… They waited until Christmas afternoon to finally text me.

Now this is the first time they have ever flaked on plans, but to me this is just a huge issue. I hate saying that because I just feel so gross about being upset by someone’s actions (I’m a people pleaser with massive anxiety and had a narcissistic single mom) but I just honestly can’t let it go.

It’s not the issue of being busy, I completely get that. It was 5 days before Christmas, I knew they are in school and they also work. I wouldn’t have had any problems rescheduling or just saying we can hang out another day. I wasn’t even getting anything out of it really other than just hanging out with them, I was the one doing something for them (for free I might add). I just…

I don’t get many days off from my job. This week I was off for Christmas and because we are so behind I don’t even know when my next day off is. Because of that, my days off aren’t really even days off they are more like chore days or adulting days where I get non work related shit done. Which I feel like is how most people my age live in this economy so I’m not fucking special but I’m just gonna say it for all of us doing this shit every week…

THIS. SHIT. FUCKING. SUCKS.

I am so tired of being and doing and going on and on for days just to get almost nothing out of it. I make shit money and I don’t even enjoy what I do but I don’t have the ability to just go somewhere else

All that to say: I spent a day of my life being unproductive because I was waiting on someone who didn’t even seem to have the time to spare a simple “I am so sorry can we reschedule today?”

I have massive ocd so if I start a task, I can’t just stop what I’m doing and go do something else. (Unless my adhd kicks in it’s not my fault ok I’m just built different not good but different) And obviously they don’t know that and I’m not gonna stand there and be like “Omg you made me lazy today you bitch!” Cause like obviously that’s not how it works

But I did however choose to put aside my responsibilities to spend time with someone that I genuinely care about and was excited to spend time with, and that person not only ghosted me for that day, it went on for 5 more days.

And like… it fucking hurts

I also get super insecure about our friendship just because they were “the popular kid” in our school and has a ton of friends even to this day. Like every time we hang out most of it is them spilling tea about their friendships, and I think it’s fucking great. But then I sit their and realize that they have so many people that talk to them and check on them and want to interact with them and… I don’t have that

They are pretty much my only outside contact and we talk maybe once a week

I just feel like maybe I’m convenient

Like I’m just there to fill voids for people

And I have such horrible trust issues from it. I’m at a point in life that I just refuse to try and date or social because I’m convinced that people will leave…

Because they always do

No matter how much you stay in contact. Whether you talk everyday or every month, eventually you get to a point where they are no longer in your life.

And I think that’s why I continue to cut people out, even when I can tell they are good for me

Especially when I can tell they might be good

Because I don’t deserve good

For I am just a place holder

[existentialmagazine]

Review: Wild Horse’s newest indie single ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ carries an easy-going sound with constant groove, lacing a narrative of a confusing relationship within

After a busy first half of the year, Wild Horse are storming back onto the scene with their fourth new single of the year ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ , the perfect anthem for the summer air. Known for their funked up guitar flows and carrying a youthful spirit of their younger selves who grew up listening to hip hop beats and classic 60s/70s Brit Rock vinyl’s, Wild Horse are a continually exciting name to keep hearing more from, especially after following their well-received hits ’Cougar’, ‘Tangled’ and ‘Angles’ earlier this year.

Continuing their staple vibrant indie-pop bedding of sound, Wild Horse bring all the pops of colour and groove into the shining soundscape of ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ , taking a slightly more easy-going approach while just as catchy as ever. Deeply reverberated electric guitar strums lead things in for a short intimate moment with their vocalist, swiftly switching into a funky riff that’s complemented by rich bass twangs and a thudding drum beat that tumbles along with ease. Wild Horse’s singer falls right into the glowing sound with his own charismatic performance, dominating the higher ranges with an airy agility you can’t help but be allured by every moment of. Hitting the chorus sees a scarce change in sound, continuing the same emphatic riff, beats and bass while their vocalist spills out with hooks you’ll be singing along to in no time. The bridge offers a change in sound, seeing a secondary guitar riff brightly chime in temporarily through gorgeous vocal ‘ooh’s. At three minutes in length, ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ is the perfect slice of soothing indie sounds for those days you want an instant mood-lift, carrying through a sonic palette of nothing but warmth.

Alike many of their releases that deal with love and heartbreak, ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ continues this theme as Wild Horse find themselves central to an on again off again relationship, wrapped up in the confusing layers of emotions and shifting feelings. From the opening revelation ‘I don’t wanna see you no more, stay by my side’ , the song immediately establishes such stark juxtaposing signals from the one our protagonist yearns for, frustrated by the inconsistencies. Asking ‘is it any wonder you unblocked my phone?’ , it feels as though this cycle is nothing but expected for the pair, a toxic loop they seemingly can’t escape. But through it all there’s introspection too, as Wild Horse sing ‘it’s not me you’re looking for… now you’ve been alone for a minute’ , realising that they’re just a placeholder for someone’s loneliness rather than truly desired and wanting better for themselves. Concluding with the switched up chorus hook ‘do you wanna talk? no I don’t wanna talk’ , this journey of back and forth and heartbreak is finally put to an end as our protagonist establishes their own worth, knowing better than to keep letting someone in when they only continue walking away every time. Fitting for an era of “situationships” and half-baked relationships, ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ is really an anthem for everyone everywhere going through a one-sided romance, urging you get yourself out.

Check out ‘Do You Wanna Talk’ here to dance along to Wild Horse’s bright sound and feel their more downbeat lyrical message within.

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: Unknown

// This coverage was created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[bandofchimeras]

posting a lot rn sorry Im gonna readmore this vent that is a standin for next therapy session

i have a lot of trauma from losing my last few housing situations over interpersonal conflict and not having enough money or being good at managing my money. I was too ashamed to ask for what I needed until it was desperate and I had no options.

I have big decisions to make that are producing so much anxiety. and am burnt out. but also grateful and astounded at the miracle that is life.

so can't handle small talk right now. my whole chest is splitting open with the need to be somewhere I feel loved and safe bc I know who tf I am now....but knowing I have to make these next moves out of my own initiative

somewhere deep in my brain I know this isn't all my fault but I had to stop victim thinking to get myself out of the Hole and consequently just Shut Up about the Pain

the last people I lived with really wanted me to shut up and conform perfectly to the anxiously controlled life they'd constructed bc I was there temporarily

and for my part I was in depression self centered funk and coming out of abuse too brainfoggerd to remember the rules

One of them is a former mutual and he was also a transmasc person I had a crush on and we had a short little Thing

what they ended up doing was 1000% shitty asshole stuff like kicking me out in the middle of winter after I communicated I was in too much pain from moving in and work, and requested a two week extension, and trying to charge me illegal "storage fees" when I needed time to get my stuff after being kicked out.

my discord friends had to help me parse that these people were not my friends and did not care about me at all. I thought they did. but the guilt they laid on thick and blamed me for their actions has been dragging around my ankles for awhile and I just want to shake it off, I want to be okay and not soaked in guilt like milk toast

the situation also led to my car being stolen, getting in a crash, my cats health severely declining until she passed away this spring. just fucking wrecking ball on everything I was attached to for any sort of comfort or sense of reality.

Right before that my long term job that was....dubiously ethical, my sort of boss fired me in a similarly guilting way, and similarly could see exactly why they had a problem with me but I just, at the time I simply could not show up how I needed to. Not killing myself was an accomplishment. And this boss was deeply prejudiced against autistic people despite running a group home. I genuinely hated her guts for how miserable she made everyone around her while also recognizing I wasn't doing much better.

anyways through this time period kitchen work has become this attachment that toughens me up and feels doable while my brain is inflamed, despite being shit for my disabled body. I can't shake free quite. I don't have a permanent house and all my friendships feel weird and troubled in that way only mutual survivors of emotionally neglectful or abusive families and religious trauma can, like every thing I do or say can be wrong, or isn't giving someone enough attention or isnt the response they want or is bad bad bad bad

and so yeah, making new friends is hard

letting people in feels impossible

looking for decent jobs too

I'm not a mess in the way I have been but it's all messy inside and I'm sad and tired and very hypersensitive to rejection, every day breaks and makes me again and I miss writing and loving and feeling good

I thought pride would be so fun and make me feel better. It was cool in a lot of ways, but also grimly corporate and fangless and expensive, there were a ton of missed connections and the couple I went with was being nitpicky and hurtful to each other and even at the club dressed to the nines and dancing my little gay heart out I felt disconnected and ignorable (maybe it's just a Seattle thing, moving from a small-town environment into big urban reminds you you're nothin special all in all) and couldn't see the magic

I miss my ex or at least keep seeing stuff that reminds me of caring about her in that specific way and the bridge we tried to build across everything despite it all and I know we still care about each other just couldn't stop the fucking awful Bullshit, moving on would be easier if I could just dismiss people entirely

and at work things started falling apart too, my boss got super guilt happy at overworked caregivers and I lost all respect for him and was mega triggered and posted about it and embarrassed myself. theyre more okay I guess but everyone seems so demoralized and worn down by being criticized and used up and overcharged and under loved and I don't want to give any more right now, I want to rest rest rest and make art and I can't let myself while I'm living in someone's living room and both of us are working around eachothers mood disorders

meanwhile my family while making progress is still on about how I have to accept criticism of my gender identity if I want to talk to them about the harm done by their religious ideology and MEANWHILE I develop deep feelings for yet another unavailable cis man for bare minimum shit

i don't know I guess it feels like other people know how to have friends and love and enjoy things and I am missing the boat and if I don't change something indistinguishable super fast, it will be too late for me and I will continue to ruin every good thing that comes my way and.magnetically attract trouble

and it doesn't help that my attempts to connect online also feel desperate and awkward like I'm really a sick puppy who wants headpats but aren't we all they say

some days I do think overall it would be easier to Kermit but I can't do that to my siblings AND there are many buoyantly beautiful things bout life I am looking forward to like top surgery and kissing boys like I mean it which someday will feel real and not like a knife twist in the chest

also I haven't got enough sleep lately and my period came back so hopefully this stupid shit is more bearable in a few days I'm just gonna watch OFMD and hug myself to sleep and literally kill anyone who is a hater about the tiny things that bring me joy bc I am fucking doing my best out here to stay afloat and not yuck other people's yums either

[chrisryanspeaks]

SEE: Catchy Indie Pop | Moon Blue - All I Know (Is That)

Moon Blue aka George Appleton is a Bournemouth-born musician that has spent time living and loving in Bologna. He recent released single “All I know (Is That)”, which is a soft indie pop single that instantly entrances the listener with it’s captivating and relatable lyrics and hypotonic sound. Take a listen below: Feels: soft, cashmere Sounds: like beach fossils, toro y moi About Moon Blue: Love might be the most documented concept of them all, but as long as new people are falling in and out of it, finding fresh ways to bend the emotion to their own story, it’s something that will never fail to provoke new and interesting art. For Moon Blue - the musical alias of George Appleton - love is at the centre of everything the project has become about. The breakdown of a relationship was the catalyst for the Bournemouth-born musician to first pick up the pen as a solo artist following a series of stints in bands; now, living in Bologna and entirely loved-up once more, it’s his current romance that’s become the primary muse for his forthcoming debut EP, ‘The Moonlight Disco’. “Love is subjective, so if you’re writing from a point of sincerity then there’s always going to be a unique element to it,” says Appleton. “I was just writing in earnest for this person, for her. This is the first time I’ve written objective love songs in the present.” Trained as a jazz drummer and a self-taught guitarist, until recently Appleton had always been a cog in part of a bigger band machine. “I’d always wanted a solo project because I’d always played in bands where I was the drummer, or I was singing and playing guitar but still compromising with other people,” he explains. “But writing music has been a constant throughout my life. It’s just company really, and it’s something I find rewarding even if I have no intention of releasing the song into the world.” Moon Blue’s first output firmly fell into this category at the start, too. Having moved into a “pretty depressing” studio apartment by the sea during the pandemic following the dissolution of a five-year relationship, Appleton would spend his days writing purely to purge the emotions; in the evening, he would walk along the beach and listen back to what he’d come up with. “It was directly about that one thing and that one moment in time,” he explains, “but it helped me gain confidence in constructing everything without compromise, and it was vindicating to know it all came from me.” Urged to release the tracks by his friends, eventually Appleton gave in and put one song, 2021’s ‘Beneath The Moon’, online. An instant earworm of sugary, nocturnal funk-pop, it began to pick up attention from the likes of Amazing Radio and influential Youtuber David Dean Burkhart. “Since then it hasn’t really slowed down, it’s just been quite consistent, like when you push a snowball down the hill and it just fuels itself,” he says. With an adventurous musical library that draws on everything from Yellow Magic Orchestra and Japanese pop luminary Hiroshi Sato, through to classical Italian music via more contemporary indie such as Men I Trust (“My friends call me Lame Impala, which initially pissed me off but now I think it’s funny…” Appleton laughs), it would, however, take another major life change to spur on Moon Blue’s next material. Fed up with the ongoing fallout of Brexit, Appleton decided to move to Italy for three months before heading to Japan. The first part of the plan happened, but then he fell in love. Faced with having to temporarily return to the UK due to visa reasons before he could return to Bologna, he started writing the songs that would become his debut EP: a collection of heart-on-sleeve alternative pop nuggets that ring with the warmth of both Italy itself and new romance. Conjuring up the evocative sense of moonlit night dreaming, ‘The Moonlight Disco’ (set for release via 777 Music, home of Boy Pablo) comprises six tracks that drill down to the heart of the project. Forthcoming single ‘All I Know (Is That)’ details “the feeling of being in a precarious situation whilst knowing the certainty that I had around it” via lilting guitars and soft, woozy falsetto; on the flip side, ‘Blossom Through My Window’ spans nearly six minutes and marks the most sonically adventurous track Moon Blue has penned to date. “Lyrically and structurally, it’s sparser and there’s more space for the vocals to sit - more harmonies and more layering and a lot dreamier,” Appleton explains. “It was earnest and sincere and it felt accurate.” ‘Beneath The Moon’ gets a long-overdue full release, while ‘Woke Up Thinking Of You’ showcases a different side to Appleton’s writing - creafted in tribute to his grandfather who’d recently passed away. The line “I wake up seeing your name on my arm” directly corresponds to a tattoo of his signature that the musician has inked on his own body. Throughout the EP, meanwhile, Appleton’s falsetto rings clearly, his vocal range lifting the songs and adding an integral sense of intimacy and tenderness. It’s an immersive introduction to an artist who understands that, somewhere between the intensely personal and the openly universal, lies magic. Having initially shied away from putting his music online, Moon Blue is finally embracing the musical prospects that love seems to have inadvertently thrown him. Read the full article

[audiofuzz]

SEE: Catchy Indie Pop | Moon Blue - All I Know (Is That)

Moon Blue aka George Appleton is a Bournemouth-born musician that has spent time living and loving in Bologna. He recent released single “All I know (Is That)”, which is a soft indie pop single that instantly entrances the listener with it’s captivating and relatable lyrics and hypotonic sound. Take a listen below: Feels: soft, cashmere Sounds: like beach fossils, toro y moi About Moon Blue: Love might be the most documented concept of them all, but as long as new people are falling in and out of it, finding fresh ways to bend the emotion to their own story, it’s something that will never fail to provoke new and interesting art. For Moon Blue - the musical alias of George Appleton - love is at the centre of everything the project has become about. The breakdown of a relationship was the catalyst for the Bournemouth-born musician to first pick up the pen as a solo artist following a series of stints in bands; now, living in Bologna and entirely loved-up once more, it’s his current romance that’s become the primary muse for his forthcoming debut EP, ‘The Moonlight Disco’. “Love is subjective, so if you’re writing from a point of sincerity then there’s always going to be a unique element to it,” says Appleton. “I was just writing in earnest for this person, for her. This is the first time I’ve written objective love songs in the present.” Trained as a jazz drummer and a self-taught guitarist, until recently Appleton had always been a cog in part of a bigger band machine. “I’d always wanted a solo project because I’d always played in bands where I was the drummer, or I was singing and playing guitar but still compromising with other people,” he explains. “But writing music has been a constant throughout my life. It’s just company really, and it’s something I find rewarding even if I have no intention of releasing the song into the world.” Moon Blue’s first output firmly fell into this category at the start, too. Having moved into a “pretty depressing” studio apartment by the sea during the pandemic following the dissolution of a five-year relationship, Appleton would spend his days writing purely to purge the emotions; in the evening, he would walk along the beach and listen back to what he’d come up with. “It was directly about that one thing and that one moment in time,” he explains, “but it helped me gain confidence in constructing everything without compromise, and it was vindicating to know it all came from me.” Urged to release the tracks by his friends, eventually Appleton gave in and put one song, 2021’s ‘Beneath The Moon’, online. An instant earworm of sugary, nocturnal funk-pop, it began to pick up attention from the likes of Amazing Radio and influential Youtuber David Dean Burkhart. “Since then it hasn’t really slowed down, it’s just been quite consistent, like when you push a snowball down the hill and it just fuels itself,” he says. With an adventurous musical library that draws on everything from Yellow Magic Orchestra and Japanese pop luminary Hiroshi Sato, through to classical Italian music via more contemporary indie such as Men I Trust (“My friends call me Lame Impala, which initially pissed me off but now I think it’s funny…” Appleton laughs), it would, however, take another major life change to spur on Moon Blue’s next material. Fed up with the ongoing fallout of Brexit, Appleton decided to move to Italy for three months before heading to Japan. The first part of the plan happened, but then he fell in love. Faced with having to temporarily return to the UK due to visa reasons before he could return to Bologna, he started writing the songs that would become his debut EP: a collection of heart-on-sleeve alternative pop nuggets that ring with the warmth of both Italy itself and new romance. Conjuring up the evocative sense of moonlit night dreaming, ‘The Moonlight Disco’ (set for release via 777 Music, home of Boy Pablo) comprises six tracks that drill down to the heart of the project. Forthcoming single ‘All I Know (Is That)’ details “the feeling of being in a precarious situation whilst knowing the certainty that I had around it” via lilting guitars and soft, woozy falsetto; on the flip side, ‘Blossom Through My Window’ spans nearly six minutes and marks the most sonically adventurous track Moon Blue has penned to date. “Lyrically and structurally, it’s sparser and there’s more space for the vocals to sit - more harmonies and more layering and a lot dreamier,” Appleton explains. “It was earnest and sincere and it felt accurate.” ‘Beneath The Moon’ gets a long-overdue full release, while ‘Woke Up Thinking Of You’ showcases a different side to Appleton’s writing - creafted in tribute to his grandfather who’d recently passed away. The line “I wake up seeing your name on my arm” directly corresponds to a tattoo of his signature that the musician has inked on his own body. Throughout the EP, meanwhile, Appleton’s falsetto rings clearly, his vocal range lifting the songs and adding an integral sense of intimacy and tenderness. It’s an immersive introduction to an artist who understands that, somewhere between the intensely personal and the openly universal, lies magic. Having initially shied away from putting his music online, Moon Blue is finally embracing the musical prospects that love seems to have inadvertently thrown him. Read the full article

[pink-flame]

Bad Day

It's not much, but here's a little Juke goodness for my lovely friend @mamirugbee today. I'm forever your fan and so glad to be your friend. 💜

Julie just didn’t feel right.

Although, actually, putting it that way annoyed her a bit. Why was being happy all the time seen as the “right” way to feel? All day her friends and family had been asking her what was wrong and wanting to fix it somehow and she got it, she really did. It hadn’t been that long at all since she was in a year long slump of grief and insecurity. It made sense that the people closest to her would want to make sure she wasn’t sliding into that headspace again. But the fact of the matter was that Julie wasn’t having a bad day because she missed her mom (though of course she did, all the time) or because Carrie had said anything (her former friend had been a bit more tolerable lately) or even because she was anxious about the possibility that Caleb would come after the guys again (it had been three weeks since the Orpheum and so far, nothing).

She was just...having a bad day.

And surely even people who lost their moms, played a CD and summoned a ghost band, and possibly performed some sort of magic that freed said ghost band from an evil magician were allowed to have a plain old bad day once in a while.

So that evening Julie found herself out in the garage, hiding from Flynn’s questioning texts and her dad’s hovering and her aunt’s attempts to improve her mood through forcing multiple types of food on her. She wasn’t surprised to find the studio empty as she collapsed onto the couch. Now that they were free of Caleb’s jolts and were at least temporarily tangible most of the time they were making up for lost time. Most days that they didn’t have a band rehearsal scheduled the guys spent at least part of the night out exploring, getting used to 2020 as the newly almost humans they were. Normally she was a little jealous that her promise to her dad about not sneaking out again meant that she couldn’t join them, but for once she was glad to have a little solitude.

She had thought she might do some writing, had brought out her notebook and her favorite purple pen in case inspiration struck. But instead she just stared at the blank page for half an hour before tossing the notebook aside in frustration and drawing her feet up on the couch to rest her head on her knees. She had spent the whole day prickling with non-specific frustration and by this point even her skin felt slightly uncomfortable like truly nothing was going to feel right until this randomly bad day was over.

“Hey!”

Julie jumped as Luke’s voice sounded from far too close to her ear for her comfort. She sat up enough to catch sight of his familiar grin before it slid into a frown as he took in her less than happy expression. He was standing beside the couch looking down at her and Julie instantly knew what he was going to say next.

“What’s wrong?”

Julie huffed out a frustrated breath.

She knew she was being a little unreasonable, she knew that it was only natural that the people who cared about her would ask that question when she was so clearly out of sorts. But it was so annoying to be asked such a simple question repeatedly when she didn’t have a satisfying answer.

“Nothing,” She tried. “Everything. I don’t know. Just a bad day.”

She expected Luke to ask a million more questions or to try to distract her with music or something. She didn’t expect him to nudge off his sneakers and clamber onto the couch behind her.

“Hey!” Julie protested halfheartedly as she was jostled around, starting to scoot away to make room for him until a hand on her arm stopped her.

The truth was she couldn’t bring herself to be too annoyed with him, even on a bad day, not when the fact that she could feel him was still a miracle each and every time it happened.

He didn’t need to know that though.

“Come here,” Luke instructed, settling in with his back against the armrest of the couch, tugging her gently until her back was against his chest.

Julie blushed, suddenly grateful that he couldn’t see her expression clearly anymore. She was still frowning, that simmering frustration burning beneath her skin, but even in her current mood she was far from immune to being this close to Luke.

“What are you doing?” Julie asked tensely, her posture stiff against him as she fought the urge to sink back largely out of a stubborn determination to remain in her funk.

“I know what to do,” Luke insisted, running his hands gently down her arms.

Julie fought the urge to shiver.

“What?” She asked, trying to sound far less interested than she actually was.

Luke didn’t answer with words, instead he surged forward, wrapping his arms tightly around her and bringing his legs up to cradle her body as well. Julie suddenly found herself, completely and totally enveloped by Luke and she struggled to catch up to this development. It hadn’t been long since she had failed at something as simple as holding his hand. The sheer luxury of having Luke’s form wrapped around hers would have been enough to break through her determination to see her grumpy day through but the way he leaned his head down to rest his chin on her shoulder, his cheek bumping against hers...it demolished her walls instantly.

She found herself relaxing into his grip and breathing an involuntary sigh of relief even as she mustered up the motivation to ask her question one more time.

“What are you doing?” She asked, her voice already lighter as the world seemed to settle into a more familiar shape with the weight of his arms grounding her there.

“Koala hug,” Luke offered, the satisfaction in his voice obvious. “Guaranteed to cure all bad days.”

Julie couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Do I get my money back if it doesn’t work?”

Luke just snuggled even closer, his voice rumbling out from seemingly all around her.

“For you my services are free so no refunds. Besides, it's already working.”

“You’re so sure, huh?” Julie tried to tease but in reality her voice sounded entirely too soft and relaxed for the effect to come across.

“Yep,” Luke agreed cockily. “Like I said, it works every time.”

Julie considered her options and finally came to the conclusion that she really did feel better already and besides, no evening spent wallowing was worth missing out on a chance to be held by Luke. So she managed to free one of her arms and reach up to arrange her hair as best she could out of Luke’s face allowing for him to hopefully breathe a little more freely and then snuggled back against his chest, settling in.

He didn’t talk after that, though he did hum occasionally, melodies she didn’t recognize but was sure would pop up in one of their future writing sessions. For now she was more than content just to let Luke’s voice wash over her wordlessly and to revel in the feeling of him physically surrounding her. She swore she could feel him breathing, the steady rise and fall of his chest allowing her to match her own breathing to his calm rhythm, despite the fact that she knew deep down he didn’t need to do it. She was practically falling asleep when he finally spoke again.

“Feeling better?”

Julie nodded against his arm then repeated her answer in words.

“Yeah. I’m feeling better.”

Luke turned his head just enough to press a barely there kiss to the soft spot between her jaw and her ear.

“Good.”

Julie did shiver that time, trying and failing not to imagine what his lips would feel like pressed against her own instead.

“Where did you get the idea to cheer me up with a koala hug?” She asked as lightly as she could manage in a mortifyingly transparent attempt at a distraction.

Luke shrugged and her shoulders moved right along with his.

“It always worked on Alex.”

There was a brief moment of silence while Julie let that delightful image truly sink in and then laughter was bursting out of her.

“Now I know you feel better,” Luke observed in a satisfied tone.

Julie didn’t bother denying it.

Sometimes she just had a bad day and that was ok, it really was.

But she had a feeling with Luke around?

There wouldn’t be that many.

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

Reading your post about the buddie kitchen scene and having the dialogue written out like out…… how is that scene canon how the fuck is it real, like im sorry but it is gay as fuck and nobody in that writers room can tell me otherwise. those two are so in love with each other my lord i have to lay down

Hey there, Nonnie! LOL I completely agree with you!!! Season 3 I think completely changed Buck and Eddie's dynamic. Season 2 I think they were definitely flirting with the line between bromance and something else but they definitely pushed past it in in the next season. You can see the absolute difference in 3x01. We get more of Eddie's reactions when it comes to Buck and we get Buck having more of an interaction with Christopher than he's had before. Then we also get Eddie moving over to hug Buck first, just showing up in Buck's apartment without needing Buck to let him in, and Eddie pushing Buck to get out of his funk, when Bobby, Maddie, and the rest couldn't. They stepped up Eddie's role in Buck's world for sure. I mean:

I A definite difference compared to Eddie's (and Christopher's) role in season 2. Even with Eddie's "Almost" when Hen says everything is getting back to normal. So that apology scene in 3x09, while it makes sense for Eddie's and Buck's characters separately and their relationship so far in the show, it also wasn't precisely needed. Not to that extent. The dialogue could have been different, the blocking of the scene could have been different, the setup...so yeah they really wanted that moment solidifying their emotional relationship in there and they did just that. It's canon. ;-)

I mean, they literally gave us the apology scene in 3x06 but because Eddie hadn't come clean with Buck with what was going on with him, because he was still fighting, it all came to a head in 3x08 with Bobby. In 3x09, it's already suggested that Buck knows about the fighting though we never find out how (I'm assuming Eddie told him), but still the apology scene wasn't needed, especially on the heels of Maddie dealing with Tara and Vincent (even though this progression does link to the issues Eddie, Maddie, and Hen are dealing with this episode). But this apology was what Eddie needed to hear, Buck refusing to take the easy way out and promising to never make that mistake again, taking responsibility for his actions, and hitting the core of what Eddie is actually feeling and what he needs. Granted Hen had Stacy and Maddie had Tara to help their journeys in the episode (to come to their realizations) but they specifically chose Buck instead of say Bobby (to continue from 3x08) or Carla or anyone else. And then of course during this scene we get moments like this:

And what's even more interesting (and hilarious to me especially since they keep trying to insist that this is a sibling relationship, a bromance, when it's been anything but the last two seasons) is that when Ryan was talking about the difference between season 2 Eddie vs season 3 Eddie, he mentions how insecure and less confident Eddie is in season 3. That he's dealing with Shannon's death and taking care of Christopher, losing his partner at work temporarily, temporarily his friendship with Buck due to the lawsuit, the fighting, etc. And while he's 100% right on that front, isn't it interesting that during this insecurity, when he's struggling, not only is he affected by Buck's absence when it happens, but also this is when Buck comes in (as well as the Buckley-Diaz family unit and Buck & Christopher's bond being cemented) and during the 3x15 drowning montage, we get the this moment being one of the ones that was important enough to Eddie that they throw it in there (outside of the 118)?

And this is just my personal take but I think that lamp on the side of Eddie being that bright compared to the rest of the lighting in the scene is purposeful. "Yeah, this is my kind of therapy." They could have literally had Buck and Eddie in switched positions and the scene still would have achieved what it meant to.

And they even continue showing that this is the beginning (besides Eddie's ending 3x08 scene) of Eddie getting his feet back underneath him. His looks change up in 3x13 after 3x12 and while it appears that this is after he met Ana in that episode, they also spent the time showing you that this isn't due to her solely because of this:

Not only did they show that he listened to Buck regarding Christopher (screwing that whole "limitations" bs), he did apologize to Ana for blowing up on her but left it there.

Then we also had 3x13 where Eddie's looks change, he's shaved and not as rough-edged but we get that moment of "I get taking it slow but no one is promised tomorrow. If you love her, tell her." And then of course this whole scene:

Which later on unintentionally parallels vaguely to:

So they literally have been going there since season 3 and I think that 3x09 scene was just the beginning. Not that 3x01, 3x03, 3x05, and 3x06 didn't count, they do, but I think 3x09 is when they really ratcheted up the romantic tension between the two. When they purposely were showing us that Buck affects Eddie emotionally and not just in the angry way we saw in 3x05 and in 3x06 and then Buck's apology later on in that same episode. I also think the fact that they had the 3x09 apology scene take place at night, after dinner, while Christopher is in the proximity, is no coincidence. Especially when contrasted with:

And in that 3x03 scene you see that while Eddie may not be leaning back against the counter he is in 3x09, he's very close to it. And while there may not be any beer present (minus the one bottle in front of Buck before he opens the door), pizza is mentioned in the form of Eddie giving him $ for it and telling him to eat a couple of extra slices. Plus the whole emotional contrast. Eddie's words here get to Buck while Buck's words in 3x09 get to Eddie. And you even have contrasted close up shots of their reactions in each scene when they hear these very important words from each other. (Eddie's is up above) Here is Buck's:

They literally pulled each other from their darkest moments. Eddie was able to get through to Buck here and dash his insecurity and doubt of himself after losing Christopher, after the tsunami. Yes, like Eddie says, Christopher will save Buck back but it's also Eddie's words here that do that. I think their positioning in this scene is also purposeful so we see the light on Buck's face, him being turned towards the light. Then Buck does the same for Eddie in 3x09 and that's why we see the bright light next to him when it wasn't needed for the scene.

Due to all of this linking in the way they're doing it, complementary in the way that they meet in the middle and fill each other's spaces so to speak, emotionally, story wise, etc. And the lack of physical space that they made sure to emphasize heavily starting with season 3, and the awareness of each other in each other's space (when they're not joined at the hip) which the camera makes sure to track so the audience is kept aware, too... I personally think the writers know what they have and they're taking the slow burn route, building up the foundation pretty strongly before taking the plunge. Plus, while people would enjoy seeing Buck and Eddie finally get together, they don't want to take the pin out on that too soon. They're guaranteed to have higher ratings if people keep tuning in with the anticipation than if they give the audience Buddie and then have to keep thinking up new ways to keep the tension going in their relationship. Like how would it affect the 118, how would it affect Buck and Eddie working together on the same shift, how would it affect Christopher, how would it affect Eddie's relationship with his parents and their desire to get Christopher (I'm curious to see how the shooting would affect this part of the story, I just can't imagine Ramon and Helena wouldn't use that as an opportunity to pressure Eddie and manipulate/guilt him further), how their relationship would progress, etc. All fascinating stuff but less the anticipation so not as thrilling so to speak. So I think they are definitely working towards a Buddie endgame (there's way too many parallels and connections they've made with the story to indicate otherwise) but it's going to be held back until the last possible second, until they work through the whole story to get there.

So long story short (and I'm so sorry I rambled, I tend to do that a lot LOL), these two seriously check all the boxes of soulmates, or at the very least being perfect for one another. This sailed past the bromance, family, best friends, and partners markers long ago. And now I will be going to lay down, too, because these two (and this show) just slay me lol.

Thank you again, Nonnie! I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day!!! <3

[highsviolets]

announcements

hi friends! 

as i mentioned a few days ago, i am so thankful for each and every one of you. i love reading your tags, reading your comments on fics (mine and other people’s!), answering your asks, and everything else we do together. 

i also alluded to the fact that i’ve been struggling a bit on how to best manage my relationship with this site and posting my own work. with that in mind, i’ll be taking the following steps to help my mental health: 

within the next few days, i will be clearing out my inbox. if you’ve sent in a request that hasn’t been filled, it will not be lost forever. i’m making a master doc with each request + the requestee’s url. 

[edit: inbox has now been cleaned out]

at the moment it’s a little overwhelming to have each one physically hanging out in my inbox every time i log on. i’m not saying i won’t ever get to your request! i just need to create some more mental space about creating at my own pace and with what inspires me. if that eventually means turning down your request entirely, i’ll send you a DM and let you know. 

please always feel free to send in asks about anything else! i absolutely love answering asks. however, for the foreseeable future, requests are closed. 

secondly, i’m going to be temporarily discontinuing my taglist except for ongoing series. 

in lieu of a taglist i’ll be doing fic announcements prior to and on the day of posting. I will still be using tracking tags, so if you have one, let me know! 

the form will remain in my bio, so feel free to add yourself if you like and i can include you when i pick it up again!

i’m not sure how long i’ll keep these measures in place. i’m hoping that once things calm down for me personally next month, i’ll be able to cultivate more intentionality that will get me out of this creative funk :)

if you have any questions, you can always reach me via an ask or dm! thank you for understanding, friends :’) 

[angeldarkness95]

Open Wounds

Summary: You and Loki are friends, but one night while drunk both of you open yourselves up to each other about things that nobody else knows about you... Until tonight.

Warning: flying cusswords and talks of abandonment.

This is my first piece on here so please be gentle and enjoy 🙂

m/n: mother’s name

It was 5 years to the day that Loki lost Frigga, the most important woman in his life. Loki often wanted to be left alone all the time, but especially on the anniversary of her death. You’re invited to the Stark tower because Tony knew you could help Loki; he seemed more aggressive and shouty than usual and everybody else was just getting fed up and annoyed; all their attempts for him to snap out of the funk bit the dust and just made him more pissed off and bitter. 

You arrived at the tower with the fixings for bloody Mary’s (including some Asgardian mead, courtesy of Thor)  and your homemade crab Rangoon's you knew Loki loved very much. You called up Tony so he could let you into the building. “you know Y/n you’re here so often maybe I should make you your own badge so you can come in any time you need without me having to buzz you in” “That would be nice, thank you” You smile to him as the door opens.

“Loki still in his room?” Tony just nods, but before you leave up the stairs to his room he gently grabs your arm and you look up at him. “please be careful y/n, I’m still finding it hard to trust him and I don’t want you to get hurt” you smile again gently “I’ll be okay, I promise” he nods, but still has a worried expression on his face.

You approach Loki’s door, you take a deep breath and knock 

“Go away you mewling quim” he spits out, shamelessly turning you on a bit.

“It’s me, y/n, I come with offerings”

He opens the door, eyes bloodshot with a look of pissed off-ness and agony

“What do you want?” he spits out

“I know you want to be left alone, but I wanted to be here for you tonight” 

his expression softened up a little while keeping his guard up. He opens the door more and beckons you in to close the door. He was reading what looked like an old book about vampires, you set everything down on a table in his room.

“What sort of offerings did you bring y/n”

“I brought freshly made crab Rangoon's and the stuff to make bloody Mary’s” 

“mmm two of my favorite Midgard things” he hummed in approval, but still seeming pissed off

You started making the drinks while Loki was eating. 

“So, how’s your week been?” You ask while sitting down next to him, you look at him, undivided attention while trying to get a read on how he’s feeling.

“Fine” he practically growled at you. You nod and things stay quiet for a while. You decide to turn on some funky music to get into a better mood, maybe even dance with him

“Y/n what are you doing”

“I wanna dance, what does it look like?” You grind on him a bit, he forces a smile, but tries to hide it and turns the music off

“y/n maybe a bit later ok?” You nod sad but understandingly

*5 drinks later*

things get quiet again and he seems to have gone back to his silent thoughts

“Listen, Lo if you ever need someone to talk to I’m always here, and..” before you could say any more he lost it.

*he bangs a fist on the table* 

“HERE IT FUCKING COMES, YOU ONLY WANTED TO BUTTER ME UP SO I’D SPILL MY GUTS, MAYBE EVEN MY HEART OUT TO YOUR PATHETIC ASS... I’M PERFECTLY FINE YOU DAMN QUIM! ACTUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH? FIIIIIINE! I HAD THE SHITTIEST UPBRINGING I’VE EVER KNOWN, THE ONLY ONE WHO TRULY UNDERSTOOD ME WAS FRIGGA AND SHE’S DEAD BECAUSE OF ME! I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO GO TO HER FUNERAL, I WAS HARSH AND VILE, MY LAST WORDS TO HER HAUNT ME STILL TO THIS DAY! I SAID THINGS THAT I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TAKE BACK, I WAS THE WORST SON SHE, OR ANYBODY COULD ASK FOR! AND ANOTHER THING, ODIN WAS RIGHT FOR KEEPING MY IDENTITY HIDDEN OF WHAT I TRULY AM, BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING MONSTER!”

He was so mad his Jotun form temporarily came out for a moment, the sudden outburst shakes you to your core, the usually soft man yelled at you, you knew he would often yell at other people, but never you, until tonight. You’re shaken and your eyes want to tear up because you know that pain all too well.

You stand up to look the man before you, shaking, scared but understanding, your heart breaks after hearing Loki’s last words he had yelled out. You tried to bring your hand to his face, but he dodged the gesture.

“Loki, you are not the only one with a fucked up upbringing”

“Y/n is that supposed to make me feel better?!” he seethed

“No, it’s the goddamn truth” you said, trying to fight back tears and flashbacks as hard as possible, but to no avail. “at least you had a mother that gave a flying fuck about you! I don’t even have that!”

He takes a sharp inhale “then lets see who had a more fucked up upbringing, shall we?” still fuming mad, just more quiet than his yelling a few minutes ago. At this point the drinks starting to wear off for him.

“My birth was a mistake, my own mother didn’t want me, she didn’t even want my dad to know she was in labor so she could lie to him and say that I died or just to be able to leave me to be someone else’s problem, luckily my grandmother, my dad’s mother was notified as soon as m/n was at the hospital in labor, about to give birth to their only child. My dad couldn’t initially be there for my birth because he was about fifty or more miles away, he hauled ass to the point where he got a speeding ticket but was able to be there sometime after.

“Oh boo hoo you you were a mistake, big whoop”

“that’s not even close to the whole story Loki, sit your ass down” you roll your eyes to him. 

“My dad talks m/n into keeping me, despite how she feels towards me, everything is fine for a while, until around the age of three to five years old she decided she’d had enough of me and/ or my father and she snapped. It was late at night, she turned to me and my dad and essentially said she couldn’t do “this” anymore, even I'm not too sure what she meant, but she asked me a question you should never have to ask a child. She asked me if I wanted to stay with my dad or go with her, I chose to stay with my dad and she walked out the front door right in front of us, just left like I didn’t mean a goddamn thing to her.” You could tell Loki was about to interject but you put a finger up to his lips.

“I’m almost done, I promise” you pleaded to him, sorrow coating his expressions.

“years later me, m/n and my dad started working things out, m/n actually wanted to be apart of my life, things were looking up, things were actually ok...” you looked up to pause and see Loki’s expression, for a moment there was hope on his face, but sadly it was gone as quick as it came. “until I turned 9, for some reason m/n stopped wanting to see me, wouldn’t even talk to me or my dad, everybody was puzzled, until the winter came. I had gotten a letter from m/n” you take a shaky breath as you recall what the letter said.

“y/n this will be the last time you ever hear from me. I’m letting you go, you were and continue to be the biggest mistake of my life, I should never have had you, much less taken you home the night you were born, I wish you died so I wouldn’t have had the burden of being your mother. 

“that part always hurt the worst, after my grandma telling me that I did actually almost die the night I was brought into this world." "P.s. leave me the hell alone, I do not wish to be found, especially not by you." "I ripped that letter to shreds, but I still remember every word, every thought and emotion that raced in my head and in my heart, from that day forward I knew I would never be loved, because if my own mother couldn’t even love me, then how could I expect anybody to love me?”

You closed your eyes at the buildup of tears and every emotion that still haunted you from that damned letter, you start to fall when you feel strong hands catch you, you look up to see those gorgeous light blue oceanic eyes that were Loki’s. All the rage that was originally in his eyes had been replaced by sorrow. 

“y/n I had no idea anybody could go through this amount of pain, much less a Midgardian for Odin’s sake! No offense but I thought you Midgardians were so weak but my gods I have no idea how you’ve survived for so long”

“No offense taken” you force a soft smile.

Loki gave you a strong hug, you were probably hugging for a while but it only felt like a minute, you were holding onto each other for as long as either of you needed the other person. a few more minutes and he finally breaks the hug. He proceeded to write, no, scribble something down on a piece of paper “what’re you doing?” You asked with curiousness. 

“I’m giving you my number, any time you need to talk I’m here for you, ok?” He said as he was tearing up. “I don’t care what hour, any time you need me don’t hesitate to call” 

“I will” you say while giving him a sheepish smile as you start heading out of his room.

“Stay for the night?”

You stop in your tracks

“p- pardon?”

He laughs and takes your hands so you're facing him

“Pease, stay the night with me?”

[mensuckalways]

Need tips for managing ADHD/Depression

If anyone could give me a small list of things they do to feel better or stay disciplined when they’re depressed please do, to help with staying productive when all you want to do is sleep

Right now I’m dealing with really bad depression to the point of just staying in bed and watching Netflix on my days off, not doing anything I need to do, even important stuff, and going to work bc I literally have to.

Watching my favorite show pulls me out of my funk but I can’t watch TV/scroll tiktok all day, and we all know motivation is overrated and short-lived, so what are some things you take pleasure in that keep you going throughout the day?

Everything I used to enjoy either doesnt make me happy anymore or is nixed out by my diet bc losing weight is one of my goals, so I’m switching to healthier more boring meals

Been treating myself with fun, fattening meals the past week and it made me feel better temporarily, but only made me gain five pounds, not happiness lol

Also I take half of my old adderall script occasionally on my off days but it doesn’t help much, looking for more behavioral fixes. This depression is just… it’s getting to be physical now. Always having aches and pains, headaches, grinding my teeth more, heart-racing, always stressed out. Been taking vitamins like l-theanine for anxiety

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Seventeen

Previous Chapter Here

Warnings: Strong language and an air of discomfort.

Notes: I hope this reads OK as it’s quite dialogue-heavy.

Tags: @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 

The night shifts weren’t all bad. From time to time, they were even as good as “pretty straight forward”. They proved especially useful when trying to finish patient notes and random admin that always got left to the very end of the shift. Perhaps they’d endure a tidy-out of the stock cupboards if the crew was feeling generous. Since O’Brien had taken up his post at the hospital years earlier, he had insisted upon mandatory training updates for the ER units every three to four months (the national average was about once a year) so the team were regularly reminded not to set fire to their computers and not to leave boxes in places people could trip over. You’d be surprised how often both those things happened in an emerging crisis. 

“I swear he thinks we’re idiots half the time.” Complained Jack, his head now glued to the palm of his hand. Jack was hurtling towards an early retirement thanks to an ever-increasing distrust of the corporate environment ER departments found themselves in. We trained to save lives, he’d say, not file stat reports. He was so right, it hurt. 

The crew was sat round the reception desk. The ER was empty except for a local homeless man the team allowed in from time to time to sleep off his latest drunken adventures. 

“Who doesn’t know how to bend their knees when lifting something heavy?” Jack asked again. 

“Ryan for one.” Sarah joked, pointing her cold cup of tea towards the fellow nurse in question. Ryan was a tall and skinny guy, not dissimilar to Alexander Skarsgard in the right light but with less charm although he had left a few of the interns swooning of late. Shanna quite liked him, too. 

“One time, Sarah. One time and I suffered for it greatly.” Ryan remarked, spinning a full 360 in his swivel chair. “Did you tick ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ for question eleven?” 

“Oh, if you don’t tick ‘strongly agree’ even if you only ‘agree’, they mark you down a couple of percentage points.” Entered Audrey, slamming down a pile of files on the desk beside Sarah. Their nightly routine just got more interesting. “Just get it over with. It’s not worth the effort. It’s just O’Brien being obsessed with stats again. He turns everything into a competition. I swear it’s unhealthy.”

Ryan looked momentarily confused before returning to face his computer screen. He re-read the question for the fifth time and rubbed his eyes in resignation. Something about 3am made this far too complicated. 

“When did you even find time to do this, Aud?” Jack asked, turning back to Sarah and Audrey in time to witness their shared look self-satisfaction. “I’ve been sat here for half an hour and am still only part way through the first section.” 

“I logged in at home earlier.” she responded before catching Sarah’s quizzical look. “Well, Michael did most of it for me.” 

“Fucking hell!” exclaimed Jack, chucking his pen on the table, giving up. “Got no chance then, have I? Michael’s a bloody genius. Hey, how much for him to do mine?” 

“Normally I’d say $100 but he’s pretty cheap these days.” shrugged Audrey. “Probably a fancy cigar would do.” 

“He still grumpy about the you-know-what?” whispered Sarah to her friend when the guys started joshing between themselves. 

Audrey leaned back on the desk beside her and took the mug from Sarah’s hands to take a sip, grimacing slightly at the sweetness. For some reason, Sarah had to have at least three sugars in her tea if she was drinking it post-midnight. It helped to keep her more alert apparently. She didn’t drink it like that at any other time of the day. “No more than usual. Seems like we’re both unlucky in that department at the moment.” 

Sarah smiled at her in acknowledgement, lips thin before biting the inside of her cheek. 

Following their last meet-up, Chris had been decidedly quiet. Too quiet almost. It was weird. He hadn’t messaged her. He hadn’t called or visited their apartment except to collect a parcel he had left. Sarah has been out for a run at the time and had felt silently glad to have missed him. He hadn’t updated his twitter and there had been multiple sports events occurring that would have guaranteed a humblebrag or five. Shanna had pledged to buy rib-eye steaks for a Saturday night meal during a Celtics game and he had cancelled at the last minute citing an interview he had conveniently forgotten. Even Audrey thought it was weird. If anything was guaranteed to get his attention and bring him out of whatever funk he was in, it was the promise of sports and a ‘Grade A’ barbeque. 

Shanna merely put it down to his laziness or him having something better turn up. Scott had started replacing Chris around their apartment, wanting to get some of his own distance from the tricky Zach situation and it helped her feel better knowing he was at least in touch with him if Shanna wasn’t. He was evidently still alive. 

Sarah decided to swap a couple of daytime stints to partner up with Audrey for the nights. She needed the comfort of working with a good friend to calm her down from whatever ledge her anxiety had placed her on. 

“You know that he’ll come back, right?” Audrey interrupted her thoughts. Maybe Sarah spoke too soon. “Haven’t you got that birthday thing for Lisa coming up?” 

That trip was a couple of weeks away yet. She was trying to bank some reasonable excuses but everything sounded lame in the cold light of day and Lisa was never going to accept her not coming as well. Surely things would have smoothed themselves out by then? 

“This won’t just fix itself, hun, you’ll need to speak to him eventually. And the sooner the better.” 

It was like Audrey had a hotline straight into Sarah’s psyche. It was unnerving at the best of times. Sarah knew she was right of course. It’s just, a little bit of distance would be a good thing, right? Even Chris himself had offered that advice from time to time, and stressing herself out at this point almost seemed counterintuitive. 

“I reckon you could go in an hour or so if you wanted.” Audrey offered, nudging her friend with her elbow to bring her back into the room. “It’s dead out there.”

“I hope not.” Sarah joked, trying to lighten the mood. “We’d be shit at our jobs if that was the case.” 

Audrey laughed for the first time since Sarah could remember that day. It was moments like this that reminded her of why she enjoyed working alongside her so much, and why she didn’t mind if it resulted in overtime. 

“You wanna take patient referrals while I take the EPRs?” 

“How can I refuse an offer like that?” Sarah picked up the dozen or so documents sat in front of her and grabbed the nearest chair. Audrey told her she’d put the kettle on and nudged the guys still glued to their screens. Ryan had pretty much given up logical thinking and was now ticking random boxes. Jack was cursing under his breath. O’Brien was going to be in for a real treat when he could finally tabulate the responses. 

It was nearing 6.20am when Sarah and Audrey finally packed up to go. Matt and Stephanie had just arrived to take over for the morning, bringing a fresh perspective for the day. There wasn’t much for them to catch up on so it should be a smooth few hours at least. Sarah even ran a mop through the staff locker room as an added gift – Steph was a notorious clean freak – nearly tripping Greg up in the process. 

He’d been on leave for the past fortnight and his hair was a little longer than she remembered. A five o’clock shadow graced the lower part of his face and it suited him more than she thought it would. He had kept up with the informal tie-less attire and he seemed to be, dare she it, enjoying himself. 

“God, I’m so sorry.” She held her hands up in a mock mea culpa. “I was just gonna put it away before heading out. It was a stupid place to leave it.” 

“Did you not take the Health and Safety refresher?” he joked, rebalancing himself and trying to play down the redness creeping into his cheeks from the embarrassment of temporarily losing his footing in front of her. 

“You gonna rat me out to O’Brien? ‘Cos you know as well as I do that he doesn’t need yet another reason to know he’s right.” She shifted the mop and bucket and placed them back in the supply closet before reaching for her bag again. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He moved passed her before turning to face her again. “Tell you the truth, I ghosted the last couple of tabs myself. Who knew there were so many ways to ask questions about standing in elevators?” 

Sarah rolled her eyes in acknowledgement. “Yeh. I can’t wait to have the team meeting when he realises we’ve all pretty much done the same thing. That’s gonna be fun. I might finally take some of my holiday.” 

“Yeh, good plan. Hey listen,” His words stopped her in her tracks, feet from the exit. “Um, I know it’s been a while but I was wondering if you might want to reschedule that tennis match some time? Or if not, we could get some dinner or something? There’s that new sushi place on Reagan Street. It’s meant to be really good if you fancy it?” 

She was indeed familiar with that very restaurant thanks to the glowing reviews she had been unable to avoid since it opened. Audrey had only mentioned it a mere thousand times in her presence. Word was that bookings were now months in advance so she wasn’t sure how Greg was hoping to find a table unless he wanted to make plans with her in November. Given the number of commitments he always appeared to have going on, it wouldn’t be completely outside the realm of possibility. 

“Wow, I thought that place was fully booked?” 

“Yeh, it is, but I went to college with one of the investors and he’s promised me a one-off.” 

Of course he did. Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop herself from chuckling out loud, imagining Audrey’s face when she would inevitably find out. To be honest, she was genuinely surprised he was still showing a minor interest in her. When she finally made eye contact with him, his earnestness was practically shining. Had he always had perfect skin?  

“Um…” That was a good start, she thought. 

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal if you’d rather not.” He helpfully pre-empted her awkward rejection but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “I’ve been meaning to go is all and I knew you liked sushi and figured it might be fun? They have live Jazz on Sunday nights.” 

When did he find out she liked sushi? And live Jazz? Just how much had Audrey told him about her? 

Realising she probably looked perplexed, she shuffled her shoulder strap back up onto her shoulder and tried to relax the awkwardness setting in between them. It was still quiet and no one was within earshot that she could figure out of her peripheral vision. 

“It’s not you, Greg, I promise. It’s just, I’m not really looking to get into anything right now. With anyone. Plus, we work together and…I’m sorry. I hope that’s OK?” 

“Hey, look, I promise it won’t be awkward. There’s absolutely no expectations from me and if you change your mind, just let me know, yeh? I literally know no one else who likes Sashimi so I can’t waste my only chance to get a table.” He chuckled and she felt more at ease. 

“If it’s any consolation, I’m a pretty crap date.” She smiled at him as she edged herself down the hall, putting space between them both literally and figuratively. “You wouldn’t be missing out.” 

“Oh, I doubt that somehow.” He returned her smile. “I’m serious, though. Just let me know. Anytime. No expiration date.” 

And with that, she had been left dumbfounded by two men in the space of a single week. 

* 

It would have been easier to get the early morning bus home at this time, as tired as she was starting to feel. She hadn’t slept well in the last few days and she had a creeping nausea from the lack of proper rest. The walk and crisp, fresh air might do her some good. It was practically full daylight even at this hour, and it was sometimes fun to watch people on their own way to work, huffing along, trying not to drop their coffees. 

The out-of-town school bus passed her a few minutes out from her apartment and as she rounded the corner, she got this weird sense that someone was watching her. Another corner turned and she could see her building in the near distance. Still, she couldn’t shake it. She stopped, pretending to fumble for her phone in her pocket and turned around swiftly to see a sweaty Chris stop a few steps behind her. 

It took her a moment to register it was in fact him, his beard fuller and a Red Sox cap pulled down low over his eyes. He had sweats and sneakers on and looked like he was on a run. Honestly, if someone else had spotted him from this distance, they would have worried he was going to attack her. 

“Hey,” she said, turning to fully face him. “What are you doing out at this time?” 

He didn’t respond at first. He shuffled from one foot to the other before grounding himself and taking a couple of steps towards her. Again, he shuffled back a step like he was rethinking his move. She didn’t appreciate seeing him like this, so unsure of himself. 

“Five months out from filming some pre-shoots so figured I’d make a start.” He finally spoke. Not a really a smile but he at least sounded OK. 

“Cool.” She said, nodding back at him. “Um, I’m not sure if Shanna is awake yet but do you want to come inside for some water or coffee?” 

“Yeh, that’d be great. Thanks.” 

She turned to continue walking on. For a few long moments, he stayed walking slightly behind her. A couple more strides and he had decided to catch up. The last time it had taken this long to walk this same street, she had been so drunk she had narrowly avoided falling into her neighbour’s front garden. 

“Five months? You’re not that out of shape.” She tried to make a joke. It was the only thing she could think of. Audrey would be eye-rolling like a champ if she could see them now. 

Chris knew she was trying to make small talk now so he decided to indulge her. It was a fair response, he thought - he was doing OK - as he followed her up the stairs deliberately keeping two or three behind her in an effort to keep it casual. 

“Oh, y’know. I fluctuate pretty easily. A few pizzas here and there and it’s game over.” 

They walked into her kitchen and she had been right in assuming Shanna was still asleep. Unless she had awoken really early but that was highly unlikely, unless there was a sale at Ted Baker she didn’t know about. 

He lingered in the doorway while she searched the fridge for a bottle of water. Grabbing one from the back, she turned to hand it to him expecting him to be within an arm’s reach from her but he had been distracted by something down the hall before turning back to her. Gratefully, he accepted it and walked into the kitchen to take up his usual spot leaning against the counter. 

“Sorry, did you say you wanted a coffee?” She offered. 

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t really take caffeine until this afternoon.” 

“Sorry. I always forget how strict it is.” She apologised, offering him a sympathetic smile. 

He took a long swig from the bottle, not breaking eye contact from her. “No need to apologise. You OK? Night shift?” 

“Yeh. Pretty quiet, thankfully.” 

“I’ve always meant to ask but what is it like, a night shift? I can’t work out if it would be worse or not.” 

She understood what he meant and laughed. “It can go either way to be honest but it’s been quiet the last few nights. Nothing crazy. I caught up with some paperwork, so…” She shrugged again, acutely aware of how boring she must sound. 

He nodded at her. “Aren’t people supposed to be crazier in the summertime?” 

“Well, kids are around more and families tend to spend more time together, so…” 

The apartment was unnervingly quiet now which was weird. She could hear the uptake in traffic outside which provided some relief that perhaps he couldn’t hear her heart beating out of her chest. She could make out some small sweat patches on his hoodie and it did something to her that she wasn’t expecting. Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to switch the kettle off. 

“What?” He asked. 

She jerked her head back around to face him. “Huh?” 

“You were thinking of something. Your neck just went red.” He smiled, tilting his head at her and relishing the look of surprise making its way over her features, knowing he’d caught her out. 

That was news to her. She knew she had “tells” but a red neck was not usually one of them. How come no one had ever told her about this? 

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.” She inquired, playfully narrowing her eyes at him in an effort to lighten the mood. 

He shrugged a shoulder at her, a smirk starting to cross his fine features. Joshing with her was good. She’d take that. A small step in the right direction. 

“Sometimes, it’s really obvious. You get it when you’re embarrassed about something, or when you try to lie. I’d never really noticed it before, but...” He paused. His expression started to turn more thoughtful and she wished he’d just continue to make fun of her instead. 

“Guess I won’t be playing poker anytime soon.” She finished the thought for him. 

“Yeh, no, you’d be rubbish at that. Just terrible.” He took another swig from his bottle and waited for her to throw something at him. 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

The room went quiet again. She stirred her mug of coffee and offered him another chance at one which he politely refused although his discipline was waning slightly now he could smell it. 

“So this is fine.” He said after a couple of minutes, nodding in a slightly exaggerated manner. He looked out of the kitchen window. “We can do this, right? No awkwardness. No embarrassment. Just normal, everyday conversation.” 

“’Course,” she nodded in agreement. 

“Start as we mean to go on, right?” 

She nodded again. This felt like a trap and she couldn’t put her finger on why. Chris had a knack for saying and doing two different things at the same time, an intimidating ability that often put people on edge if he thought it would serve his purpose, whatever that may be. Probably the actor in him. When you called him out, he would aggressively defend himself which only served to prove the point you were making in the first place. 

Scott was the only one, truly, who knew when it was happening. It had taken Sarah years to get to a similar position but now, she wasn’t sure she was remotely close to it. 

“It’s as good a starting point as any, I guess.” She shrugged again, sipping from her cup. 

“So there’s no need to ignore me then.”  

“I haven’t been ignoring you, have I?” 

“You tell me. I’m just pre-empting it is all. I’m just saying we can still interact, you and me, if we need to. Like, it doesn’t always have to be in social settings with other people around.” He took a final drink from his bottle and turned to locate the recycling pot stashed away in the corner. Even with a mundane task, he always looked cool doing it. 

“So don’t worry about it.” 

“Alright then. That’s good to know.” She shot him a raised eyebrow which he caught and returned with a sly smirk. “I’m just trying to be sensible. We have to get this right or else there’s no point.” 

“I know, I get that, too.” If he wasn’t attempting to be serious before, he was now. He had a hand on his hip and seemed to have grown a few inches in height. “What do you think I’m trying to say?” 

“I…think I’m on the backfoot again and it’s weird.” She held a hand up in defence. 

“Hey, I’m just doing what we agreed, OK? I’m just following your rules.” 

“They’re not rules.” She struggled to regulate the volume in her voice in case she disturbed Shanna. “And you’re making it sound like I’m controlling the situation when I’m not. We both agreed on this. There’s no point being difficult about it.” 

Was he being difficult? Yes. Obviously, he was. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but happy definitely wasn’t it. Things were out of sorts and he hadn’t been able to eat carbs or sugar for four days so the withdrawal symptoms certainly weren’t helping. He should go easier on her. She was doing the thinking for the both of them. He should learn to be more grateful for that. 

He scratched the back of his head and let out an audible sigh in frustration. “I’ll try harder, I promise. We’ve got that cabin thing coming up with Mom, so…I promise I’ll be good.” 

He imitated the scout salute and she smiled at him, a smile not quite reaching her eyes. 

* 

Another night shift and Audrey and was starting to get suspicious. No one willingly switched for a night shift. For one thing, there was a disproportionate amount of recovery time. A couple of night shifts often took in excess of a week to recover from; a week that a nurse definitely did not have to spare. 

“He been buggin’ you?” she asked, finally growing tired of the silence. 

“Who?” Sarah looked up from the cabinet. “No, not really. We haven’t really spoken.” 

“So why are you ignoring him?” 

“I’m not ignoring him! Why does everyone think that?” 

“Who’s everyone?” 

Crap. Audrey had her there. Sarah open and closed her mouth without a sound coming out. She took a breath. “He’s not bugging me. He’s not. I’m just trying to limit the times we’re in the same place at the same time.” 

“Huh, you’d think he would at least allow you to have peace in your own home.”  

“Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around all that much, but…at least I don’t have to worry about him showing up unannounced. It’s stupid but I feel way more awkward about him than I thought I would. It’s like I can’t even stand to be under his gaze.” 

Audrey glanced at her friend, wishing she could offer some words of comfort. Even for someone as verbose as she normally was, she was finding it a struggle. Sarah wasn’t much looking for words of comfort at the given time either. She was all too aware of the predicament she was in and how much responsibility laid at her feet. In her mind, waiting it out was the only logical solution she could come up with. The only logical solution that didn’t require more conversations with someone who could feasibly run rings around her “theory” that if they just stayed apart for a little while, they would suddenly and magically forget about the past couple of months. 

They stayed filing documents in silence again, the air seemingly getting thicker. 

“You ever spoken with someone and it’s like they’re thinking the complete opposite of what’s coming out of their mouth?” Sarah huffed while shoving the cabinet drawer closed. 

“Not really. That person’s usually me.” 

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t you just be normal?”  

“I mean, it’s not my go-to response of course. It’s normally reserved for occasions when I am trying to indulge someone because I know they’re talking bullshit. Like, when I know Mike has been gambling but he tries to deny it? It’s just easier to figure him out that way.” 

Sarah froze to the spot, looking at her friend. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned to lean back on the table behind her and crossed her arms. She stared at her shoes for a second. 

“Chris is a smart guy. I’ll give him that.” Audrey muttered loudly so she was sure Sarah could hear. 

“Give me something! I’m your friend here.” She implored her before chuckling to herself at Audrey’s face and her own apparent lack of self-awareness. 

“You know what I think? You’ve probably got withdrawal symptoms from the all the amazing sex you’ve had and now you’re sulking. I think you should get back on that horse and let him fuck you again. That’s what this is.” 

Sarah eyed her friend again. For once, she would love to hear someone tell her that she was right. “That’s really not helping, y’know.” 

“And this is?!” Audrey’s shriller tone cut through the dry air, smacking Sarah right in the face. “Honey, this isn’t healthy. You hiding out in the hospital and treating it like your own solace is not healthy at all. I love you but you are your own worst enemy.” 

“Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your unswerving efforts to be honest with me at all times and not, like a normal pal, be comforting in any way.” Sarah comically bowed to her friend before considering leaving the office. She would have followed through with the idea as well if it wasn’t for the cosy warmth of O’Brien’s office versus the coldness of the ER department thanks to a leaking pipe. “It’s difficult. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fall out with you, Audrey.” 

Audrey just smiled at her. “I don’t know why you think you have to be the beacon of morality all the time, Sarah. Take a look around. No one else is. We all out here just trying to live our lives as best we can and a part of that is taking advantage of moments of happiness when we find them.” 

Something about what Audrey was saying did resonate with her but comparing two months of happiness with Chris to ten years with Shanna was not something she could in good conscience do. Shanna was her security blanket. She provided a comfort of living with someone with shared life experience, of knowing how little you thought about yourself because you were given up as a baby. Honestly, from the very first day they had met, Sarah felt lucky to know her. 

Yes, Shanna could be immature at times. Maybe a little selfish. She would often get carried away with trivial things and wasn’t the most reliable person, but what Sarah got in return was worth that and more. Her family enjoyed highlighting the maternal care Sarah would have to provide to someone who was seven months older than she was, but honestly it didn’t matter. 

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where Audrey was wrong. 

Chris was a fling at best, Sarah told herself, when she was lying in bed struggling to fall asleep. When she was cold and missing his arms around her. They were both having shitty times and they both got something out of it. That was what Chris had said himself at the very beginning. 

Chris 08.15am: You home? Shanna said you were working late again 

It was like he knew she would be thinking about him. 

Chris 08.17am: I really dont want u ignoring me all the time. This is hard for me right now as well 

Fuck. 

Sarah 08.21am: I kno. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that :(

He didn’t respond. She thought she saw the tell-tale three dots of him writing something but nothing appeared. Giving up on sleep, she got up and headed into the kitchen. Shanna had left her some bacon in the fridge and a fresh bread bun on the side so she turned on the grill and set about making some coffee. 

She felt strangely awake for this time and the apartment was nice and warm from the bright sunshine streaming in from all corners. Maybe a run would help. Or a cold shower.  

Chris 08.44am: I wanna be honest with u but I dont think u want that 

Chris 08.45am: so what do i do?? 

Fuck knows. 

Chris 08.51am: Can I come over? 

Sarah 08.54am: that’s not a good idea 

Chris 08.55am: cos you know what will happen? 

Chris 08.56am: what does that tell you?? 

She was sure he was nursing some kind of hangover or, quite possibly, he was still a little bit drunk. There were two responses she could give, she figured. The first would be her usual denial and perhaps an excuse that she was busy or working later than planned. The second, and ultimately the one she opted for, was to agree with him. 

Sarah 09.05am: I know what it tells me. That’s why I’m saying you shouldn’t come over 

Another three dots followed. There was only so many times they could go around and around in circles and as much as Audrey’s words made sense to her, it felt like she had to make the effort to regain some normality. 

He didn’t respond. She stared at her phone for an age but nothing came through. Maybe he got the message? Maybe he had fallen asleep. She was both relieved and suspicious; Chris wasn’t someone who backed down from an argument when he thought he was right. He had said as much himself. 

She turned the grill off, having lost her appetite. A run might make more sense and could help clear her head. 

She couldn’t sit around waiting for Chris to make his next move. 

*

[dragongirl642]

Sunstreaker/Sideswipe x human!female!reader (bayverse) part 6

Recap:

"Should we run", said Starwave. "Probably" replied his twin and they slowly backed off hands raised, leaving their older brother to face his partner's fury.

Of course they didn't get off that easy,

.

.

.

The Autobots had noticed the new arrivals.

------------------------------------------Recap end------------------------------

I sat on my bed, back on my farm. The familiar colours and smells calming me. This was the last time I would be in this room for a while. Orders had come from higher up...all the newly-licensed members of NEST were to move into the newly appointed base at Diego Garcia. 'What's with calling it a newly appointed base anyway...I've worked there a couple of times before years ago...it's not new.'

The sounds of birds calling in the trees and the low rumbles of the tractors, again calming my turbulent mind. Every time I left, I worried about this place. Not just about whether all the work would get done, but whether the systems would work. We've had a couple of bad twisters hit here in the past. Nothing serious happens when I've been here to clean up or the early warning protocol kicks in; setting the farm to lockdown and all the machines pack themselves away in the barn. We had a system malfunction once in the past, I had to replace everything. 'Ugh, bad memories...at least William helped me (because he was blackmailed?...no because he wanted to help his cousin...well maybe a little bit) and the rest of the unit generously agreed to help too.' A small chuckle left my lips at the memory, 'ah good times'.

I swung my legs and jump off the bed. Turning to close the window, cutting off the sounds from outside, a sigh escaped me. Grabbing my two duffel bags filled with the last of my clothes, toiletries, electronics, etc; I walked out my bedroom, silently closing the door behind me.

I trudged through the house, closing windows and turning off lights; double checking the kitchen appliances, 'you can never be too careful'. Once at the front door, I threw a last longing look back down the hallway. With a huff I stepped outside and locked the door. The soft thump of its closing barely audible in the carpeted space.

"What took you so long?" The sound of Starwave's impatient voice sounding from his alt-mode parked not two feet from my front door. 'Did he just get snarky with me? Out of character much.' I strolled round his passenger side, his side door already open. I deposited both bags in his back seats then climbed in myself.

The seat belt strapping me in tight as we sped off. The burst of speed pushing me back into Starwave's seat. "Starwave, SLOW DOWN!" My panicked screech falling on deaf ears, 'Or audials should I say'. He swerved, tyres screeching and spun to suddenly slow and smoothly stop just beyond the doors of the barn. "I'm only trying to help darling, we were supposed to be at NEST two days ago. On the plus side you're no longer grumbling and stuck in your funk now, are you?" I couldn't deny his logic was sound.

But the effects weren't great. I practically flopped out of his alt-mode. Head spinning I stumbled towards the barn and leaned against the door; which promptly opened, depositing me neatly on the floor. "Ouch" I rubbed my back as I stood up once more. And slowly walked into the darkness of the barn, trying to ignore Starwave's amused chuckles from outside. "Are you alright (y/n)?" he gasped out between giggles. I hmph'ed and turned on the lights. Marching forward to my workbench I began putting everything in boxes and carrying them over to my trailer. Starwave had graciously volunteered to pull the large trailer all the way to the base so I couldn't really tell him off.

About 20 minutes later I had just finished packing all my stuff, 'or rather...anything smaller than me'. Last but not least I had a large exercise bicycle/pedal reactor to load. Unfortunately it was twice my height. Just as I was considering transforming and using my Gaian strength to lift it a cough came from behind, followed by a voice. "May I help you?" I whipped round as my heart jumped. Hand on heart I glared at the tall form of my partner, Starblaze. My glare soon turned to a look of confusion, "I thought you were already at the Diego Garcia base, how come you're here?"

He merely smiled and walked forward to pick up the reactor placing it on my trailer. He then lifted the folding ramp and so the trailer was now an enclosed box on wheels. I took the keys out of my pocket and locked it. I looked up to see Starblaze smiling at me. "Am I not allowed to visit my partner?" but then he slightly averted my eyes, "And I had to check on Starwave" he admitted.

I chuckled at that. 'No wonder'.

I walked over to the huge doors and began pushing on one, laboriously opening it; as Starwave casually opened the other with one hand, just his helm peeking round the door. Sunlight bouncing off him and temporarily blinding me as I walked outside.

Starblaze followed pulling the trailer in his off hand. I couldn't help but laugh.

"HA HA HA HA HA..."

This Oh-so-majestic being, who's very steps make the ground shake...is pulling my trailer like a toddler with his new toy.

'He effing looks like one as well. He's got the pout, walk and everything. XD'

I collapsed gasping to the floor as two very confused cybertronians just stare at me. Starwave looks from me to Starblaze. Then it clicks, an expression of wonder graces his faceplate before he too collapses in a fit of hysteria. Starwave just watches us nonplussed. He rolls his optics and thinks for a moment. Then he looks at himself. I laugh even harder as optics upwards in concentration he adopts the toddler pose again. He looks at me a grin blossoming on his faceplate and laughs as well. Not a moment later his eyes widen and he clamps a servo over his intake. Me and Starwave freeze and just stare.

(Author note: dear readers, if you have watched Transformers Prime...his laugh is like Ratchets laugh in that one episode. You and Starwave's reactions are the same as the kids.)

Not a second later we both burst out laughing again. "I-i-i-it hu-hurts" He gasps out through his giggles while I just cry with the force of my laughter. Starblaze just looks at us exasperatedly for a moment before smiling and leaning against the wall of the barn; watching us practically die with laughter.

--------------Timeskip to after you calm down and get on the road--------------------

Starwave was pulling my trailer attached to the back of his alt-mode and I was riding in Starblaze. The windows were down and I had my arm hanging out his window as we sped down the road.

I watched the horizon, daydreaming...when I felt a little nudge within my heart/head. "Are you alright?" Starblaze's voice echoed within my head as a wave of calm descended on me.

'I'm really starting to like this bond thing, sooooo calming', chuckles followed, reverberating over the bond. I frowned "Hey Starblaze keep out of my private thoughts please." There were more chuckles followed by an "As you wish (y/n)." Silence descends once more before another voice pipes up over the bond, "Hey I can see you, take a left now!" Its Starocean's voice...'But I thought he was at the Diego Garcia base.'

Starblaze took a sharp left down a dirt track to the gates of a brazenly military airbase. 'How did I not notice that?'

We rolled through the gates that opened before us and rounded a corner to see a huge cargo plane sitting contentedly on the runway.

Starblaze and Starwave; Starblaze lets me out and they both transform. I can vaguely hear Starwave stretching and grumbling about how heavy my trailer was...he soon shut up when Starocean came sprinting out the open back of the cargo plane. I watched with a smile on my face as the twins sprinted for each other. At the last minute they both dodged to their right, linked arms and spun around into a hug. I could faintly feel their joy and chatter over my link to Starblaze...and sequential sibling link to the twins.

I walked next to Starblaze towards the plane. Before we even take two steps though both twins come sprinting back.

"Hey (y/n)! How's packing been?" Joyfully Starocean offers me his hand, I step onto it and he lifts me up to cradle me against his chassis in a hug. "I missed you too ocean." I hug back and then he passed me over to Starblaze. ('Ocean' being my nickname for him; for example Starwave is 'Wave' and Starblaze is just 'Blaze', but together Starwave and Starocean are called the 'star twins')

I sit contently on Starblaze's shoulder, watching the star twins argue over who's going to pull my trailer now.

He walks over to the cargo plane and ascends the ramp. I sway slightly as we enter and grip onto one of his shoulder struts for support. A faint humming sounds all around, not the regular plane hum but almost like...'a sparkbeat!'.

I close my eyes and access my bond with Starblaze. I look around and all I can see is spark energy. 'Starblaze...are we?'

He nods and replies, "Yes we are...(y/n) meet Stratosphere."

I exited our link and looked around, "uh...hi."

"Nice to meet you (y/n). I must admit I was surprised when I heard any Gaians still existed, let alone one had formed a partnership with a native of this rock...it's cool to meet you."

Starblaze settled himself down further in and the twins came up the ramp with my trailer. I slid off his shoulder and down his outstretched arm to the floor of Stratospheres hull.

I was curious as to whether anyone would be sat in the cockpit or not. I opened the door to the cockpit and a broad beam spread across my face. I launched myself into the arms of the man stood on the other side of the door. "Epps!"

"Woah there" he chuckled and held me up, "Lennox would kill me if his baby cuz killed herself tackling me." I just laughed and punched him in the arm.

"Takes more than that to kill me Sergeant...word on the street is you're expecting a promotion."

"What street, you live in the middle of nowhere dust-girl."

We both laughed and then Starblaze's voice again sounded in my head.

'(y/n) strap in, we are preparing for take-off''.

I passed on the order to Epps as I strapped into one of the pilot seats. He quickly followed.

We watched the dash light up and felt Stratosphere rise into the air.

"Weird when you're not the one driving, isn't it?" Epps joked. I smiled and joked back, "yep it sure is, but that means I can nap right?"

We both laughed before I reclined my seat, giving a small yawn. Epps smiled at me in a brotherly way, "It sure does (y/n), it sure does."

I was out before he finished his sentence.

------------------Timeskip to Diego Garcia-----------------------

I woke up just as we were landing. The bright sun assaulting my eyes the second I dared open them. I flinched, closing my eyes in reflex. Epps chuckling away beside me doing absolutely nothing productive, besides insulting my pride. I cautiously glare though my eyelashes at him as I slowly adjust. He gets up and strolls out once I can open my eyes, I unclip myself and exit the cockpit after him.

The star twins are sharing the job of pulling my trailer, 'How on earth did they fuse their arms together?' Starocean's left arm and Starwave's right arm have fused together to form one large joint arm, as they walk in step with each other pulling my trailer after them. "It's like an absurd three legged race." I mutter to myself.

Starblaze stood sedately to the side glanced at them before saying, "They are split spark twins and they can fuse to form one being, should they so wish." I just nodded, and sent the equivalent of a nod down our bond just for good measure.

We all exited Stratosphere, Epps jogging ahead eager to get inside. I soon realised why, the second we stepped out into the sun I thought I would melt. Just as I was swishing for shade, Starblaze adjusted his pace to block the sun from falling on me. 'Thank God for robot aliens!' Starblaze suddenly broadcasting a bout of hysterical laughter down our bond.

I swear I leapt three feet in the air before falling promptly on my back.

Nearby laughter snaps me out of contemplating, yet again, the wonders of having someone else in my head at times.

I pick myself up and turn my head to see some bots I hadn't seen before.

They were practically identical, except the silver one had swords on his arms just above his servos and the yellow/gold one had guns.

I looked up at them, slightly embarrassed, but hiding it well. "Hello, are you some of the new recruits?" I politely asked.

"I'm Sideswipe" said the silver one, "and this is my brother Sunstreaker."

"And who might you be?" said bot interjected.

Their bright blue optics studied me intently.

"I'm (y/n) (l/n), cousin to William Lennox and Gaian bond partner to Starblaze."

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker both cock their helms at me in surprise, 'quite honestly the fact that they did that at the same time is soo cute!' I made sure that thought was kept out of me and Starblaze's bond.

I was distracted when Sunstreaker spoke up, "So you're the human that saved Jazz...you don't look like much." A self-satisfied grin hovering on his lip-plates as he waited for my reaction. Sideswipe grinned broadly, "Jazz said you faced Megatron...bet you couldn't take on me."

'Oh, these two thought I was just a human and that this would come to nothing huh, I'll show them.'

'(y/n) I would not advise that course of action...unless you would allow me to be your partner in this venture.' I could feel the smirk coming down our bond.

'Oh yes, let's show them.' I exited our conversation and addressed the twins.

"I could definitely take you...both of you in fact." The look of uncertainty suddenly on their faceplates was delicious. "But to make it fair we'll have a doubles sparring match...me and Starblaze versus you two. Just let me unpack and we'll find a suitable arena."

The twins froze momentarily before adopting exaggeratedly casual poses, "Sure, see you soon shortcake" being a final parting jab from Sideswipe before the two transformed and took off for the hangar. Sideswipe being a silver Corvette and Sunstreaker being a gold/yellow Lamborghini.

Starblaze's pedesteps alerting me to the fact that he was turning around.

"(y/n)!" a voice called for behind me. I turned around as well to spot Lennox come jogging up.

We embraced in an awkward hug, considering all the gear he was packing.

"Just back from a mission?"

"Yep...had to come back when I heard you were on your way and...your two days late."

I heard a cacophony of transforming sounds from far behind, Lennox and I watching as Stratosphere transformed into an absolute giant of a bot and limped off. We watched him walk off then turned back to each other.

"So (y/n), I saw you've met some of the new bots? I'd watch out for those twins."

I smiled, "Yep, and I've been challenged to a sparring match, doubles."

Lennox's grin fell. "You're not really going to fight them are you? Sideswipe is the Autobot's fragging combat instructor and his twin is just as skilled. You've fought in your Gaian mode, what, once?!!" But then, after a moments thought, he smirked evilly, "Kick their afts...I'll set the arena, I'm betting on you winning this."

I bumped his shoulder as I walked past, "Don't worry cuz, I'll make you proud."

We casually walked to the hangar, Lennox splitting off to go get the event all set, while Starblaze strolled up to the Star twins to tell them the news.

I walked to the barracks, entering the female dorms, I found my usual bunk down the end, and unpacked. 'Starwave was good enough to have my bags dropped off here, aw...such a sweetie!'

I stretched and left the barracks for the mess hall, 'gotta refuel before a fight.'

Grabbing a banana, I strolled out the door for the hangar. Climbing some stairs to the walkways, I took a bite as I leant against a banister.

"How's it hanging dudette?"

I turned with a smile, to come optic-to-eye with Jazz. "I'm good, how are you Jazz?"

He raised a servo and I gave him a fist pump before he started telling me all about the new recruits. Arcee (She is chimerical in the movie – check for more info), Jolt, brothers Skids and Mudflap, 'who are an ice-cream truck?', Stratosphere and the Arielbots (who are all still in Stasis needing repairs, except Stratosphere but he still needs some repairs) and finally the twins, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker.

"So little lady, heard you gonna spar wi'the twins. Here's a little tip for ya'...Go for Sideswipe's legs an' try ta corner him, he overbalances real easy when he can'move and Sunstreaker's vain, ya'hurt his finish he'll get angry and we all know you gotta keep it cool to fight."

I nodded, "Thanks Jazz, I'll keep that in mind."

'Starblaze you getting this?' the response was almost immediate, I'll keep these tips in mind for our battle'. I looked up to see the Star twins wave at me from behind Starblaze.

I waved back, grinning broadly; Jazz giving me a sidelong look.

"Hey you and those Gaian twins, you lot aren't a thing are ya?"

I spluttered, blushing in response to Jazz's question.

"No! They're like the brothers I never had, they're not romantic prospects or whatever..."

Jazz laughed as Starwave called from across the hangar, "Aww (y/n) you hurt our feelings!" Starocean cracking up beside him.

I glared and huffed, puffing my cheeks out in annoyance.

'Jokes', 'Yeah jokes...hey, does this mean we can call you little sister?' Came the less than apologetic replies from the two over my Gaian bond.

Jazz poked me with a digit, "hey didn't mean to pry girl, no hard feelings."

"Of course not Jazz" was my warm reply.

Jazz got ready to leave, "I'll be betting on ya" and with that final parting call he left.

'Man...I've got a lot of people betting on me...I'd better win this...what a sobering thought.'

'Don't worry you'll win.'

'Starblaze what did I say about going in my private thoughts.'

.

.

.

'That was private? You were practically shouting.'

'Oh shush you!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Author note: So you've met the twins and a little competition be brewing.  heh heh heh...hope you enjoyed.

[believerindaydreams]

me: oh I guess I'm doing that Survival fanfic I always wanted to do

Me: sweet

Meat's soft. Soft, with blood in.

Others don't think that's strange, they're hungry so they're eating. I'm hungry, but this seems wrong.

She pushes me towards the body, cuts into the flank. Strips come away soft amd juicy, my mouth waters.

We had a hard fight downing this one. He had to shoot, he doesn't do that so much now. Doesn't need to with blood-sight. We can take things other ways now.

Sun's hot. Gets in my eyes funny, with these glasses.

Glass. Yes.

That seems funny, they'll just block my blood-sight. I shake my head, trying to get them off.

It's hard, until I lie down and catch them on a rib spur; then they come away and I feel light, the sun's brighter than ever.

He doesn't like it, though. He bites them in his teeth, pokes them at my face. I move away; he growls in his throat.

She nuzzles him, takes the things- she's clever in ways we aren't, always poking and prodding with her hands. Now she knocks over sour drink on the glass, licks them clean.

Everything is much clearer when she puts them back on me.

He grunts, presses happily against me. He's warm and protective, makes sure we're safe. Loved.

But the meat, there's still something wrong there. I whimper, push it away.

She doesn't understand, tries to encourage me by eating herself; but he can see there's no moving me. He coughs a few times.

"You're gonna have to say what's wrong."

"I'm not eating human flesh!"

He squeals in his throat, drags her away from the meat. She looks puzzled at him, a tender bit dangling from her mouth.

Words don't seem to matter so much now I've said them. I find a dog steak in a pouch and settle down to gnaw it.

*****

Silly boys. Silly, silly boys, making a fuss about nothing.

They aren't tired and dead-looking any more, they're healthy and sleep soundly. Long still favors one arm, Short is healing from the fight I had with him, but I can see them recovering every day.

We'll fight anything that fights back, the blood-sight likes it. I think it knows we need it; and it needs us, to catch for it. We eat the meat, it takes the deaths.

It doesn't like the words, though. The words are like the ice on the water, you have to keep running or you'll find out what's underneath. I want it to stay cold, always.

The silly boys, they want to find out. I guess they will. When they find a scent, they track it home.

But I can try to help them be strong enough to survive it.

*****

Christine

There really isn't anything worth staying for, at this point.

What's left of Rivet City isn't worth speaking of, and Nacochtank had been flattened comprehensively even before a giant robot collapsed on top of it. The survivors- there had been more than she'd expected, mostly due to a good evacuation program having been carried out at the first sign of Liberty Prime- have scattered, mostly to the Temple of the Union. There's a Followers tent there now, according to Three Dog, and that one she suspects won't be going anywhere.

Some of the others went to Megaton, a few hardy survivors to Point Lookout. They took what they could with them; the site has been looted bare down to scrap metal.

She's moved into a subway car in the Anacostia station, ready to bring her to the Pacific Flyer whenever she's ready.

She isn't ready. For the first time in her life she is directionless, weightless; and the course of the conflict so eagerly reported on radio is one in which she takes only academic interest. They'll find her if they want her.

Perhaps she'll kill them if they do, and move on; waiting here forever, a ghost haunting its own corpse.

She shakes the thought away, and leaves the car's tranquil safety for one more midnight patrol. Just to be on the safe side.

It's good she does. The trio she finds curled up near the old Mutant camp are cold, shivering miserably in the ocean winds.

"Gannon? Arcade Gannon?"

He twitches at his name, then tries to bite her. She leaps back, startled.

"You remember me. Christine Royce. I know you, I know Boone. We're friends."

She keeps her tone even, unhurried, as though she's talking to an animal. He seems to respond to that, moving towards her in the cautious crouch-sneak that any Mojave fighter could do in their sleep, but now unpleasantly reminds her of a creature from the Divide. They hadn't seemed human any longer either.

"I have a fire at my camp. Clean water, food. Would you follow me, do you know how?"

He pauses. Shakes the others awake, with hands instead of teeth; so he looks nearly normal doing it.

Christine repeats her offer, patiently and slowly. To her surprise, it's Boone who replies.

"Okay. They're gonna need help."

"What kind of help?"

"Got deeper into the blood-sight than I did. Gonna take time for them to come out."

He fumbles in a pocket, pulls out a cracked and badly abused pair of sunglasses. She doesn't ask why he wants them at night.

Veronica would have asked.

They get back to the subway car, more quickly than she would have expected- they're in good shape, whatever else is happening to them- and she arranges a nest of subway cushions for them. At least it's warm down here.

They're all three unexpectedly thirsty, and make inroads on her purified water that won't be easy to replace, but never mind. Food's accepted too. Boone whacks Arcade with a spoon when the latter tries eating mirelurk cake with his fingers; he looks confused for a moment, then accepts and uses the utensil.

"You better all remember that shitting is an outdoor sport," Christine mutters.

Carla makes an indignant sound. "I'm from a vault."

If not for certain prior experiences, she would have no patience with this whatsoever; but seeing as she has, the knowledge that they retain some language makes her change her mindset, looking for communication instead of threats. By that metric, what she's witnessing is almost unsettling; there are significant looks, grimaces, no end of small touches. If she hadn't regained her voice, had been forced to interact with Veronica in other ways, it might have turned out like this.

Terrific. Boone's apparently figured out how to spread his morose lack of speech; she can only hope it isn't contagious.

"You three going to be all right there for the night?"

Nobody says anything.

"Okay. I'm going to sleep now."

The situation probably should keep her awake, but she's too old a campaigner for that.

***

When she wakes up again, it's later than she would normally have slept, and Arcade has stolen her best frying pan for mutfruit pancakes.

"Good morning. I'm sorry if we're dipping into your supplies too much, but we had a look around and you seemed to be the only source of supply."

"You'd be correct about that. Also- using words now, I see?"

Arcade flips a pancake onto a plate, starts oiling the pan for another. "Coming out of- call it a fugue state. We'd all been through a bit too much, too many nightmares piled on too fast. Something had to give for a bit, at least temporarily."

"Doesn't seem to have affected you much."

He cracks a smile. "I was getting to miss linguistics. Not that there's much need or opportunity for it while travelling through a barren hellscape whose main feature of interest is roving Deathclaws."

There's a knock on the door; it turns out to be Carla, with an armful of sack.

"We're in luck. Nobody did touch the safe I buried, score one for me distrusting tents as storage- here, catch. It's your doctoral thesis."

Arcade fumbles it, but picks up the book and hugs it affectionately. "You're a marvel, Carla."

"And Boone's beret- not the one I made, just the generic one the NCR gave him. Happily-" she pulls something heavy out of the sack. "I can make a new one with my sewing machine, if I can get some decent material. And we have some caps."

"I hope it's a lot of them," Christine says, feeling slightly odd that she's delivering good news for once. "Manny and your daughter are at Point Outlook, you can still get there by riverboat."

Carla screams ecstatically and runs out.

"Ah. Okay."

"Boone's trying to salvage what happened to his guns after a lot of shooting but forgetting to repair them. Hearing Daisy's alive may be the only piece of news capable of clearing that funk- do you want your pancakes crispy or plump?"

"Make it half and half."

It hadn't occurred to her that she might be as broken in her own way, as they had been in theirs; but when Arcade casually asks that afternoon if she'd care to accompany them to Point Lookout, she says yes.

Veronica, she thinks, would want her to carry on.

And look after this terribly accident-prone Follower.

[kingdomheartsloversstuff]

Yea if you hadn’t noticed I am on a roll again. Hope you guys like it!

It was a great relief to the crew when the Ghost safely landed back on Lothal. Despite the Empire’s ever growing presence on the planet, there was still a feeling of safety and security the planet offered. This place was home, giving the crew a sense of peace when on the planet. They were not truly any safer here than anywhere else, but there was just something about the familiarity of the planet that put everyone at ease. At least it usually did. Nothing could bring Garazeb Orrelios peace. Not while the Empire was still at large. 

Not with the knowledge of his husband's death weighing heavily on his mind. 

Why hadn’t he listened to Kanan? Why had he let himself get his hopes up that Alex was alive? Why hadn’t he thought to look sooner?

Despite everything they said, deep down Zeb knew Alex’s death was his fault. If he had thought to look sooner they might have found him before he died. Might have saved him from a slow, agonizing death, alone and terrified in the claws of the Empire. Nothing anyone said would change that fact. 

He was a complete and utter failure as a king, but he could at least make the Empire suffer for what they had done and everything they would certainly do. And he couldn’t do that while moping in his room. Lasat’s were warriors, so he would fight, fight to ensure no one forgot Lasan, fight to protect anyone else from suffering the safe fate, fight to earn his place by Alex’s side when the time came, fight to make the Empire pay. 

They would pay. 

With a growl, Zeb got to his feet, body keyed up, ready to fight every buckethead he ran into. He needed to feel the crumble of their armor between his hands, to hear their terrified screams as he tore through their armies. It was poetic justice really, their screams would perfectly mirror the screams of his people.

“Hey buddy,” Kanan greeted as Zeb stepped out of his room, Zeb though was not in the mood for small talk. 

“What’s the mission?” Zeb asked. 

“Hera is with Fulcrum right now,” Kanan said. “I think there's something Sabine wants to show you though.” He added, trying and failing to hide an eager smile. 

“Show me?” Zeb asked, the anger temporarily draining out of him. What could she possibly want to show him? 

“It’s kind of a present for you,” Kanan explained. “Come on let me show you.” 

“Uh okay….” Zeb said, curiosity piqued as Kanan led him towards Kanan’s room. What could Sabine have in Kanan’s room for him? 

“Hey Sabine, are you ready?” Kanan said, poking his head inside the room.

“Almost….” Sabine slowly said from inside. “Is Zeb with you?” “I’m here Bean,” Zeb said. 

“Okay….okay,” Sabine said, nervousness clear as day in her voice. She’d never been so scared to show him something, not since- “Okay it’s ready!” Zeb could smell her fear, rolling off in waves, threatening to completely swallow her whole. Not even that piece had her so nervous. What could this possibly be? 

Stepping inside, Zeb’s eyes first landed on Sabine, who was looking anywhere but Zeb as she gestured to the wall almost frantically saying, 

“Kanan let me paint something in here and this just kind of….happened. I wasn’t planning on this but the idea got into my head and I couldn’t stop myself-” Sabine was still rambling, but Zeb’s eyes were drawn to the piece. The first thing that caught his eye was that in the center he was standing there, one arm wrapped around a beaming Sabine’s shoulders. Next to her stood Kanan and Hera, arms wrapped around each other's waists. In front of Zeb stood Ezra, awkwardly grinning Chopper beside him, mechanical arms in the air. And behind Chopper stood- 

Zeb’s blood turned to ice as he processed who was standing behind Chopper and Ezra. Alex. 

Alex was in this painting, standing with his arm around Zeb, tenderly looking up at him with a smile just meant for him, Zeb smiling down at him with adoration in his eyes. It was a masterfully painted piece. 

It was the most vile thing Zeb had ever laid his eyes on. 

“What….is….this?” Zeb slowly growled, trying, and failing, to keep his growing rage in check.

“I just…I’m not really sure how it happened but Alex was your family so he’s kind of our family so I wanted to make sure a piece of him was with-”

“And you thought this was okay?” Zeb roared, turning to face Sabine who stumbled back in shock. 

“Hey!” Kanan snapped, face twisted in rage. “She made this for you! She was trying to-” “I don’t care what she was trying to do!” Zeb snapped. “Alex is gone! He never was and never will be able to be a part of our family! What kind of sick joke is this?”

“I-it wasn’t supposed to be a joke,” Sabine whispered, tears in her eyes. Under normal circumstances, he might have felt bad for hurting her feelings. But these were not normal circumstances and he would not let her think anything about this was even remotely okay. “I just- I didn’t think I just painted-” “Yea, you weren't thinking!” Zeb roared, “Because if you were you would know this is sick and-” “She was trying to show that even though he never could be a part of our family he is because of you,” Kanan snapped. “She wanted to do something nice for you and this is how you thank her?” “You call this nice?” Zeb growled, pointing at the offending piece. “Get rid of it!” 

“What-” Sabine gasped, eyes wide in shock. 

“She doesn’t-” “I said get rid of it!” Zeb roared, raising a hand to claw through the piece.

“NO!” Kanan cried, throwing his hands out, freezing him in place with the force before showing him back with all of his strength, Zeb hitting the back wall with enough force to knock the breath out of his lungs, Zeb desperately trying to catch his breath as he collapsed to the ground. Covering her mouth in a pointless attempt to hide her sobs, Sabine ran out of the room, past a startled Hera who cried out, 

“Sabine!” 

“What the hell?” Kanan snarled, glaring down at Zeb who was slowly getting back to his feet with shaking limbs. “What is wrong with you?” “What happened in here?” Hers sternly asked, walking over to stand beside Kanan, glaring daggers at Zeb. 

“Oh sure, take his side huh?” Zeb growled, leaning heavily against the wall, Kanan shifting his stance to keep himself firmly between Zeb and Sabine’s piece. 

“All I know is Sabine is crying and you were yelling at her.,” Hera said, “So talk. What. Happened.” “That,” Zeb spat, pointing at the painting, “Happened.” Confused, Hera turned to look at the piece, a small smile forming on her face as she took it in. How could she be smiling at it? “Sabine painted this?” Hera asked, turning to face Kanan. 

“She did,” Kanan proudly said. 

“You let her paint in your room?” Hera asked, confused. How was everyone missing the point?

“She was in a funk and needed some help getting out of it,” Kanan said with a shrug. 

“You should’ve left her in it,” Zeb growled, Hera sharply turning to look at him, stunned. “It’s disgusting.” Hera’s expression turned icy as she said, 

“You and I both know you don’t mean that-” “I do,” Zeb spat, getting in Hera’s personal space to glare at her, Hera not backing down or even wincing at the violation of her space. “It’s a vile insult-” “Our family is not an insult,” Hera sternly said. “You should be honored Sabine considered your husband, a man she never even met, as apart of this family-” “There is nothing honorable about that!” Zeb snarled. 

“Don’t even think about touching it,” Kanan dangerously said. 

“What?” Hera asked, looking at Zeb like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

“Zeb tried to destroy it,” Kanan said. 

“Garazeb Orrelios,” Hera sternly said, “If you touch that painting there will be consequences.” 

“You’re not my mother,” Zeb snapped. 

“No but this is my ship,” Hera said. “And you will respect it and its crew.” Zeb clenched his hands into fists, fury boiling his blood. How dare she talk about respect when Sabine refused to respect him! What right did she have to pretend she knew Alex or cared about him at all when she never even met him? 

“Go,” Hera snapped, leaving no room for argument. Zeb growled at Hera who continued to calmly look at him, Zeb storming out with an angry snarl, Kanan keeping himself planted firmly between Zeb and the piece, certain Zeb would still lash out at it. 

He was right to. If Kanan hadn’t been there he would have torn his claws through it, damned whatever Hera would do to him for it. That piece of bantha shit deserved it. Not even bothering to look back Zeb stomped out of Kanan’s room. Zeb forced himself to ignore the sound of Sabine’s crying coming from her now closed room and walked towards the cargo bay. he needed to get out of this suffocating ship-

“Hey!” Ezra snapped, running up to Zeb, trying to puff out his chest to make himself look more menacing then he ever was. The attempt only served to make the whole thing all the more laughable however. 

“What do you want?” Zeb snapped. 

“You made Sabine cry!” Ezra said, glaring up at him. “What’s that all about?”

“I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Zeb gruffly said, roughly shoving Ezra out of his way. 

“You guys are always talking about how you guys are family!” Ezra stubbornly said, running to keep up with him as he continued to walk off the ship. “Family doesn’t just make family cry-” “We are not a family,” Zeb snarled. “I don’t care what anyone else says, we never have and never will be a family!” Ezra starred up at Zeb in open mouthed shock. Good, he finally shut up. 

“That’s not true!” Or not. 

“You all may see yourselves as family but I know I’m the odd man out,” Zeb snapped. “I always have been and always will be. I know you guys only keep me around because you need some muscle and that’s fine. But don’t ever try and pretend I am anything but that because we both know that’s not true.” That finally seemed to completely shut Ezra up. With a scoff Zeb continued to walk down the ramp and off of the ship, ignoring the odd feeling in his chest as he remembered the sound of Sabine’s sobbing. 

He’d never hated a piece of her work before. Usually her work deserved all of the praise it got. She was a spectacular artist who he knew would go places. But she needed to grow thicker skin. Not all of her work would deserve praise and she needed to accept it when she was wrong and made something bad. 

She needed to learn people would criticize her work sometimes and she couldn’t go running off crying when that happened. Her crying wasn’t his fault or problem. She needed to learn this lesson even if she had to learn it the hard way. 

This was her fault, not his. They would come around eventually. 

---

This could not have gone more wrong. Kanan had thought giving Sabine a fresh start would help her out of her artistic funk. He had also thought Zeb seeing such a touching piece of Sabine trying to include pieces of Zeb into their family would help Zeb. But instead it had enraged Zeb to a point Kanan couldn’t even comprehend and left Sabine sobbing in her cabin, Kanan fearing she might never create again. 

“Any idea what that was all about?” Hera worriedly asked. 

“No clue,” Kanan admitted, looking up at Sabine’s work again. “I don’t understand why trying to bring Alex into the family would upset him so much…” Hera crossed her arms, a thoughtful expression on her face. 

“Maybe Zeb is just a little too raw right now,” Hera slowly said. “He has at this point in essence lost Alex twice now. That has to hurt.” 

“That doesn’t give him the right to-” Kanan began, anger swelling in his chest. “I am not saying what Zeb did was okay,” Hera firmly said. “I’m just trying to work through what went so wrong.” ”Right…” Kanan agreed, deflating at her words. “It just seems everything we do to try and make him feel more a part of this family only serves to drive a bigger wedge between us all…”

“I know…” Hera agreed. “We just need to give him some time.”

“We can’t just leave things like this!” Kanan exclaimed. Sabine was devastated, she might start destroying all of her beautiful work if they didn’t do something-

“Trying to talk to Zeb about this is probably only going to result in another fight,” Hera soothingly said. “We should talk to Sabine but Zeb needs to cool off.”

“Should we leave him for the mission?”

“Ordinarily I’d say yes,” Hera slowly said. “But we unfortunately do need him. We’re moving some heavy cargo for this mission and we need all the muscle we can get.”

“This is a bad idea…” Kanan grumbled. 

“Maybe.” Hera agreed. 

“Fulcrum should find someone else to do it.” 

“We can’t,” Hera firmly said. “Intel suggests the Empire is moving new weapons through Lothal, we’re the closest crew.” 

“When is this happening?” Kanan asked. 

“Today,” Hera said. 

“Do we have enough time to prep?” Kanan asked. 

“Fulcrum had a plan actually,” Ahsoka said. 

“Fulcrum doesn’t know our crew like we do,” Kanan grumbled. 

“No but they have solid intel on what this will entail.”

“I don’t like this….”

“Will you at least hear the plan out?” Hera asked. 

“I think we need to talk to Sabine first and make sure she’s okay,” Kanan said. 

“Agreed,” Hera said, a frown on her face. Without another word Kanan walked towards Sabine’s room where he could still hear her muffled cries. Knocking on the door, Kanan asked, 

“Sabine? Can we talk?”

“Leave me alone,” Sabine said with a sniffle. “I think we need to talk,” Kanan said. “Zeb should not have said those things-” “But he’s right!” Sabine said, opening the door, eyes still watery, clutching her sketchbook in his hands, torn pages littering the ground around her. “I wasn’t thinking about how he would feel about it-” “You did not do anything wrong,” Kanan firmly said, placing his hands on her shoulders. “You made a beautiful piece of art for a friend and he treated you horribly for it.”

“My art hurt him-” “That is not your fault,” Kanan firmly said. “You do not need to feel bad for making such gorgeous art-” “I should have asked before painting Alex,” Sabine whispered. 

“You shouldn’t have to ask to paint something,” Kanan firmly said. “Anyone who tries to say otherwise is wrong.”

“Zeb-” “Is being a dick,” Kanan said. 

“Bu-” “His trauma does not excuse his actions.” Kaan said. “He’s hurting yes but he has no right to take his rightful pain out on you. The Empire has done unforgivable things to billions of lives, including Lasan, right now Zeb is taking that pain out on the wrong people.”

“...what…what should we do?”

“All we can do is support him and put him back in line if he goes too far like he did just now.” Kanan said. 

“....Should I get rid of-” “No,” Kanan firmly said. “Not yet at least.”

“What do you mean?” “If after he cools off the painting stuff hurts too much-”

“I’ll get rid of it!” Sabine swore. “Whatever Zeb needs I’ll do it.”

“I know,” Kanan assured. “But please don’t do anything right now when emotions are running high.” 

“...alright,” Sabine sighed, setting her sketchbook aside. 

“Good.” Kanan said, “Now come on, we have a mission to prep for.” 

“A mission?” Sabine curiously asked, following Kanan out of her room back to the galley where Hera was already waiting with Chopper. 

“Where-”

“Zeb ran off,” Ezra exclaimed, joining the group.

“Let him,” Hera said. “We’ll get him later, for now we need to go over the plan.”