s0fter-sin · 8 months ago
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Chapters: 1/? Fandom: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead/Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic Characters: Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Dabi | Todoroki Touya, Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko, Midoriya Izuku, Shinsou Hitoshi, Tsukauchi Naomasa, Kayama Nemuri | Midnight, Iida Tensei | Ingenium, Nedzu (My Hero Academia) Additional Tags: Pre-Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Case Fic, Deaf Yamada Hizashi | Present Mic, Villain Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead | Dadzawa, Past Child Abuse, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, no beta we die like sir nighteye Summary:
Hizashi is spiralling; his hero career is on the brink of collapse, no radio station will give him a shot and he isn’t sure how much more he can take.
When people start turning up beaten half to death, they lead him to an underground quirk fighting ring. Could it be the big break he needs to save his career or will the mysterious Referee show him something better?
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white-cat-of-doom · 2 years ago
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I posted 2,327 times in 2022
827 posts created (36%)
1,500 posts reblogged (64%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@the-cat-at-the-theatre-door
@munku-collar
@white-cat-of-doom
@sillybub
@cassandra-has-moonlit-eyes
I tagged 2,321 of my posts in 2022
#cats the musical - 2,288 posts
#cats musical - 2,287 posts
#cats us tour 6 - 356 posts
#jellylorum - 262 posts
#victoria - 260 posts
#demeter - 253 posts
#bombalurina - 247 posts
#cats rccl cast 12 - 244 posts
#cats uk tour 2022 - 232 posts
#cats international tour 2022 - 230 posts
Longest Tag: 139 characters
#part of me wants to change my avatar to one of these pieces but i cannot bring myself to take away the 2019 rumple i have had for two years
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
Today is the day! The Il Sistina production of CATS opens tonight (07 December 2022) in Rome!
Below are some more specific character photos, outside of larger group photos.
Jacopo Pelliccia as Gatto Giò (Bustopher Jones, a separate character in this production).
Photos taken by Gianluca Sarago.
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Gaia Soprano as Cassandra.
See the full post
133 notes - Posted December 7, 2022
#4
Everyone generally knows what the Rumpus Cat looks like in traditional productions, right? A bit silly, with funky hair and red eyes.
Meanwhile in Japan, the modern Rumpus Cat looks like this:
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The hero we never knew we needed.
(Fukuoka 2021, January 2022; Kenshin Mori as Rumpus Cat, Miki Okudaira as Jellylorum, Eiko Kataoka as Rumpleteazer, Yuki Takahashi as Old Deuteronomy, Taijun Kanemoto as Munkustrap, and Yurie Sato as Bombalurina. Almost fully hidden is Haruaki Tamai as Mungojerrie.)
141 notes - Posted February 21, 2022
#3
Rehearsals have started for the production of CATS at Teatro Sistina in Italy, starting 07 December 2022, an officially licensed non-replica from RUG.
The designs are interesting in that they have reference sheets for both the makeup and costume.
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See the full post
149 notes - Posted November 9, 2022
#2
The promotional pictures for the UK/International Tour 2022 have been posted!
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See the full post
181 notes - Posted May 31, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
I never uploaded these pictures last year, so I figured now would be a fun time to celebrate Pride Month again. Who better than with my favourite cast of Cats in Vienna?
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See the full post
192 notes - Posted June 1, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
#It has been a good year for me and CATS#I luckily got to see the last cast three times and the current cast (only) once#An interesting breakdown here#I would have thought I created more posts but 36% is much higher than the 3% last year!#Plus I reblogged from myself a fair amount which lessens those numbers compared to making a new post altogether#Jellylorum being the top character tag is actually a bit surprising to me#But good for me for pulling that off#Poor Jenny was in enough posts#I had completely forgotten about that top post but that is fun to see#Aside from myself being in the top 5 (I would not thought I counted towards that) the reblogged blogs the list is not surprising at all#And that longest tag! It did not take long after for me to overhaul (as much as you can overhaul on mobile) my appearance to change my icon#To one of the beautiful art pieces of my OC Freya that Jemi created and I would not have it any other way now#Thank you again Jemi for creating those#You are too kind and immensely talented and that is why you were obviously going to be my most reblogged blog#Apologies to anyone who gets tagged and would rather not for a post like this#I guess the main point to all of this is to say thank you to everyone who interacts with this blog and to anyone who makes content#Enjoy your passions and interests and maybe someone else will love it alongside you but at the very least you are making it for yourself#Let me see if I can overtake my reblogged posts with my created posts next year#I think I am well on my way#I hope I offered everyone some fun posts and up to date information on the musical as the (official) unofficial source for everything CATS#(that last one is more a joke but at this point how much of one is the question?)#Rambling over#Thanks for everything everyone#Who knows maybe I will actually have something important to say next year
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leighsartworks216 · 26 days ago
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Angel, Please
Zayne x gn!Reader
Went shopping with my roommate thinking it would be really quick, and then spent like an hour in there just pushing the cart for them and losing all energy and ability to think. This is the result of that
Title is from the song "Angel, Please" by Ra Ra Riot
Warnings: sensory overload, anxiety, avoiding a mental breakdown, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff, established relationship
Word Count: 2,103
Main Masterlist
Love and Deepspace Masterlist
AO3
Tag List Form
You stare down at the shopping list in your hand, written in a mix of handwriting. Some items listed were written down by Zayne, others were added by you. A culmination of a week or so worth of groceries. It’s harder to read the words than it should be.
You have milk, cereal… You look back and forth between your cart and the list, but you can’t connect the dots. Nothing is clicking together.
Milk. Check.
Cereal. Check.
Your skin feels uncomfortably hot and itchy, but you don’t take off your sweatshirt and you don’t scratch. Your chest is tight, and you can’t seem to get a deep enough breath in. You zone out while staring at the list, urging your body to get a hold of itself.
“Excuse me,” someone scoffs as they invade your space to reach for something on the shelf behind you. They give you a look, judgemental and cruel, and walk away with a huff. Their basket bumps your cart with a clang that makes you twitch.
God, could they please turn the music down? The lights down? You just- You just need everyone to disappear. You just need to disappear.
You bite your cheek long enough to suffer through a self-checkout. You rapidly scan whatever you do have - more than just milk and cereal, but you don’t even process them anymore - and pay as quickly as possible, conscious of the eyes of other waiting customers trying to check out boring into you, judging you, urging you to just fucking move already.
The cool autumn air doesn’t soothe you enough. You throw everything into the trunk of your car. The pavement of the parking lot vibrates your hands as you push the cart to the nearest return. You rub them on your sweatshirt desperately.
You have to keep it together. You can’t break down in a parking lot at a grocery store just because all of your senses were freaking out. You are a Hunter! You fight Wanderers! You put your life on the line every single day! Why are you losing it here of all places?!
Your hands shake as you find Zayne’s number. It connects to the bluetooth in your car and you pull out of the parking space.
Are you really 100% fit to drive? No. But you need to get away from here as soon as possible. As tempting as it would be to ask to be picked up, you don’t want to be a burden.
“Hello?”
You swallow thickly. Your hands rub restlessly at the steering wheel. “H-Hey.” You clear your throat. “Hey. I’m heading home now.”
“Are you alright?” Zayne asks.
You want to put your head on the wheel and cry. You feel pathetic.
“Did something happen?” You picture his frown. The way his eyes sharpen when he tries to pick apart a little mystery. You want him with you right now. “Please answer me.”
“I-I’m fine,” you answer quickly, a knee-jerk reaction to the question. You know you’re trying to convince yourself. You know he doesn’t believe it for a second. “Just… Just stay on the phone with me until I get back. Can you…? Am I bothering you?”
He hushes you softly through the phone. “You’re not bothering me, darling. I’ll stay with you.” You sigh shakily. His voice sounds so nice right now. Your left leg bounces restlessly. “What do you want to talk about?”
You scramble to think of anything. You anxiously wait for traffic to clear enough to let you turn out of the parking lot. Your mind is taking in too much and too little information at the same time. Cars are just colored shapes, but you know where every single light source is around you. They keychains hanging from the key in the ignition rubs your leg like someone is drawing fire across your skin with a paintbrush. You try batting them away, but the jingle grates in your ears like it’s been amplified.
You pull into the flow of traffic, at last.
“Why don’t we talk about that show you enjoy so much?” he offers carefully. “The one with the girl caught in a love triangle? What was her Evol again?”
“She…” You swallow and check your speed. As badly as you want to get home, you don’t want to get pulled over either. “She can feel other people’s emotions. And, and in one episode she changes them, too.”
He hums thoughtfully. “Does she feel the attraction from the other characters? The men from the love triangle. What are their names?”
“Joseph and,” you turn on your blinker and wait at the stop light, “Damien. She can, but she feels bad because she’s not interested in either of them. So she pretends she doesn’t feel it.”
“So if she’s not interested in the prospective love interests, who does she like?”
You slowly pull up as a yellow arrow blinks, waiting for a gap in traffic to pull through. Once you’re driving steadily again, you answer. “She has a crush on her bed friend in the show, Melina. It’s really sweet, actually. But Melina has no clue, even though Therese, the main girl, keeps hinting at it, because Melina thinks Therese is interested in Damien.”
“That would be a tricky situation to be in. Who do you think she’ll end up with by the end?”
You laugh, but it’s slightly airy and strained, like someone punched it out of you. “I hope she gets with Melina, obviously!” You turn your blinker on again at a stop sign and turn after a second. This road doesn’t get too busy. “There’s actually some hints that Joseph and Damien will end up together. Everyone online thinks they’re competing for Therese’s love to try hiding their own feelings for each other.”
He doesn’t respond for a second. “Are you almost home, darling?”
You blink, and just like that, you’ve been snapped back into your body, aware once more of your surroundings. You’re in the middle of pulling into the apartment’s parking lot. You don’t even remember the drive to get there. “Y-Yeah. I’m here, actually,” you murmur.
“Okay. I’ll meet you down there. Do you need me to stay on the phone until then?”
You fiddle with the keychains, considering it. Everything doesn’t feel so itchy anymore. Your eyes hurt, but it feels more like the sting of exhaustion. Your head still thuds with a headache, but the noises that fueled it before feel more bearable now. “I think I’ll be okay.”
“Call me again if you need to. I’m on the way.”
The call ends and you turn off the car, pulling the keys from the ignition and holding them in your lap. You feel surreal, like your brain hasn’t quite caught up to your body now that it’s not screaming about every little thing. The parking lot outside your window doesn’t feel real. The bike you parked next to, your bike, feels out of place.
You groan and rest your head against the steering wheel, shutting your eyes tightly. Why can’t you just feel normal already?
A finger taps on the glass. You look up and watch as Zayne opens the door for you. “Are you alright?” he asks again.
You bite your tongue to avoid answering automatically. But the real answer eludes you. You don’t think you’re gonna freak out if your sweatshirt happens to brush your neck in a weird way, but you’re not exactly sure you could just calmly ignore it if it did happen either.
You slip out of the seat and out of the car. Zayne has that concerned look on his face, like you’ve just told him you haven’t slept for a week straight, but he doesn’t say anything, just shuts the door behind you.
He opens the trunk and begins gathering messily thrown-together bags of groceries. You grab one of the lighter ones that he leaves for you, and close the trunk. The car beeps when you hit the lock button on the fob.
Once you’re inside, you sit at the kitchen island and watch as he puts away everything you got. You find the crumpled list in your pocket. You have the clarity now to see just how many items you missed, including things you needed to make dinner tonight. You want to crumple yourself up into a ball like this paper.
Zayne’s hand comes into view as he slides the paper over to where he stands. He has a notepad and a pen, and he goes down the old list to write out what you missed.
“I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t answer until he finishes the list, clicking the pen and setting it down. Then, his full attention is on you. “Can you tell me what happened now?”
You can’t meet his eyes. It’s hard enough admitting actual health issues to him, let alone stupid shit like this. Logically, you know he’s seen this happen to you before, know he wouldn’t think it’s stupid like you do. But it’s still difficult.
“I just got overwhelmed,” you mutter. You trace shapes into the marble countertop. “Everything was so loud and bright and… And I panicked, that’s all.”
“How do you feel now?”
You sigh and cross your arms on the counter, resting your chin on them. “I’ve got a headache, and I’m tired. But I’m not? I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I’m in a dream. Nothing feels real right now.”
He hums in understanding. “I can think of several treatment plans that may help.” You finally look at him and he shoots you a wry grin. “First, I suggest you take some pain medication for your headache, before it gets any worse. After that, you have a few options. You can go take a nap or spend some time alone to decompress. You can put on your noise-cancelling headphones and listen to music or a podcast. Or we can watch that show you told me about, and I can make you some tea.”
“That’s a lot of choices, doc.”
“It’s in the patient’s best interests to have a lot of options,” he says. “You’re not beholden to any one choice.”
You look away as you think about it. What do you want right now? What do you need? “Can I mix and match?”
He nods. “Of course you can.”
“Tea sounds nice,” you start. “I don’t want to sleep right now, but I can listen to music, I think. But I just want to be with you.” You look at him again. “Is that alright?”
He smiles, answering you without words. Instead, he moves around the kitchen to fill a kettle with water and sets it on the stove. He disappears down the hall to retrieve two pills and your headphones, setting both on the counter in front of you. He fills a glass with some water for you to take the meds. You grab the headphones and slip them on, and head over to the couch to get comfortable. They connect to your phone once you turn them on. You scroll through your playlists for a while, but the more you look, the more unappealing it sounds to you.
Zayne comes in with a steaming mug of tea, prepared how he knows you like it. You hesitantly take off your headphones. “Actually, will you read to me?”
“What would you like to hear?”
You shrug. “Anything. I just want to hear your voice right now.”
He browses the bookshelf nearby. You set your headphones down and blow on the tea to cool it down. He slips one of the books out and carries it over to the couch. You curl into his side the second he’s sitting down.
The book is one of your favorites. You’ve never seen him read it before, but he’s seen you pull it out lots of times ever since you moved in together. You smile. A comfortable warmth emanates from your heart.
The paper slides gently from one side to the next as he turns the pages. It’s not grating. It doesn’t send shocks of discomfort through your body. You cradle the mug close as you rest your head on his shoulder, letting your eyes relax as you skim the familiar words. His shirt on your cheek isn’t scratchy at all. It’s nice and soft.
He begins reading and you close your eyes. You breathe in deep the cool scent of his cologne, the fresh smell of his body wash, the slightly bitter, rich essence of the tea.
You can relax here. You can exist here. This feels real.
---
Tag List:
@the-golden-jhope
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loquora · 2 months ago
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I'd like to take a couple of minutes to talk about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writers Month) and their terrible, very bad, no good stance on genAI (generative artificial intelligence) and why I won't be writing anything for this challenge again.
I'm very aware that I am an active and vocal genAI hater. But I am willing and open to hear about positive and useful things LLMs (large language models) can do. There are valid scientific uses for the technology and some really fascinating medical and academic breakthroughs that come from LLMs. But the use of genAI in creative writing context is complete bullshit.
Come with me for the breakdown.
The first part of their statement:
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NaNoWriMo has made it clear they are not just tolerating genAI in their month long writing challenge, but that those of us who don't are 'classist' and 'ableist' because we don't.
The post was later amended with a list of reasons why they make each of those claims. We'll start from the top.
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GenAI uses the technology in a way that is morally, ethically and environmentally bankrupt. See, all LLMs have to train on something. When you're using it to, say, detect cancers you can feed it images of cancer scans so that it builds up a dataset of what those look like to predict future scans. But when you want to generate text, images and video you have to feed it text, images and video. Those things came from people, actual people and actual artists who overwhelmingly did not agree to train anything with their work and can no longer wrest their work from the machine now that it's been stolen from them.
It also isn't 'intelligent' at all, considering it has that word in the name. Think of genAI like an alien learning our language with absolutely no frame of reference for what it's learning. It can predict that the letters "w-e" and "c-a-n" often come after the letters "y-e-s" because the phrase "yes we can" will come up often in training data, it's a common phrase. But it doesn't actually understand what any of those words MEAN. Just that they often follow one another so that when prompted it will, statistically, try put those letters and words together again.
So when it comes to actually writing or responding to prompts what you're getting is the most likely outcome based on a massive amount of data input. It is not actually giving you feedback on what your writing looks like, it's giving you the most statistically possible response based on input. It's fake feedback, a thousand other feedbacks crammed together and extruded into a goo that looks and sounds like feedback but is actually meaningless. ChatGPT doesn't understand your writing sample anymore than a phone tree understands your anger and desperation when you continue to say "OPERATOR" as clearly as you can to try to get through to a real human. Both understand you input a word and will output based on that, but context, emotions, cultural mores etc. are all beyond it.
This is why AI is so absurdly shitty at things like math, counting letters in words and identifying words that start with the same letter. It's mashing together a million math problem answers betting on the likelihood that statistically someone has already answered that question enough times in the training data that it can spit the correct answer out at you.
TLDR: If you're using genAI to get feedback on your writing you're not actually getting feedback on your writing at all, but the most statistically probable set of words that relate to feedback. So right off the bat the idea that genAI is going to help you be a better writer is just flat wrong. It doesn't know how to write, it doesn't even know how many Rs are in the word 'strawberry'.
Second point has the same issues as the first:
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I actually agree with them on the point that if your brain doesn't handle certain writer activities well it's perfectly okay to use an outside source for help with it. GenAI isn't actually helping you be a better writer, though; it can't. It doesn't understand anything you write nor can it provide meaningful feedback when it's just spitting out statistically probably words to you based on your input. So while the point here is actually good on the surface, the solution of using genAI to help people who have trouble with certain aspects of writing is still not correct.
The final point:
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Again, this is a very good point... if it wasn't being made in conjunction with a defense of generative AI WHICH DOES NOT HELP OR SOLVE THIS ISSUE. In fact, because of the known issues of bias in how genAI LLMs are built they can make issues for marginalized writers worse.
I genuinely have no idea how this very true paragraph about people who are routinely pushed out of traditional writing spaces is helped by genAI. Their entire point thus far seems to be that genAI is a 'cheap' alternative to some traditional writing aids but considering genAI doesn't work like that it's all dead in the water as far as I'm concerned.
If NaNoWriMo was actually concerned with solving these access issues to things they consider critical to writing in general, why not offer a place for real people to read and critique one another on their platform? There are myriad other technological solutions that don't cost huge amounts of water AND actually help aspiring writers!
All of this to say that you should write for yourself, write what you enjoy and get better the same way generations of people before you have: by reading other people's work, talking to and exchanging time with other authors and writing and rewriting in your own words until you're satisfied.
Wasting water asking genAI to do things for you that would make you a better writer to do yourself or with trusted allies is just that, a waste.
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thatswhatsushesaid · 6 months ago
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while high last night i decided to bully the new facebook AI assistant by asking it to calculate how many words the beatles have ever written across their complete discography. the resulting interaction was so unexpectedly interesting to me that i just really want to share it here.
(full disclosure: while not high, i did try to do a little digging to verify whether meta's AI was trained in the same shitty way that the chatGPT AI was, i.e., through broad scraping of information without any regard for copyright or other intellectual property rights, and was modestly reassured that there are more licensing agreements in place between meta and IP sources. i do wonder just how heavily they're leaning on the 'fair use' provision of copyright law to justify some of what they're doing, but tl;dr it looks like they have learned from chatGPT's high profile mistakes and are trying not to replicate them.)
anyway, here's how it went:
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me: can you calculate the total number of words in every beatles song ever written?
meta AI: I can't calculate the total number of words in every Beatles song ever written, but I can tell you that there are 186 songs in total by the Beatles ¹. You can use an online lyrics website, such as Genius, MetroLyrics or AZLyrics, to count the words in each song and calculate the total number of words in every Beatles song ever written. [link to Bing search results included]
me: but i'm tired 😞
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meta AI: I understand! Counting the words in every Beatles song would be a massive task. It's estimated that the Beatles have written over 250,000 words in their songs. If you're feeling tired, you can always try breaking the task down into smaller chunks, like counting the words in one album at a time. Alternatively, you could try searching online for a pre-existing count or estimate. Some fans or researchers may have already done the work for you! Get some rest, and maybe tackle the task when you're feeling more energized!
me: what if i say please
meta AI: Please is a magic word!
Alright, I'll try to help you with that. However, please note that it's a complex task, and I might not be able to give you an exact count. But I can try to provide an estimate based on available data and sources.
According to various sources, including lyrics websites and Beatles fan communities, the estimated total word count for all Beatles songs is around 250,000 to 300,000 words.
Here's a rough breakdown:
- John Lennon wrote around 80,000 to 100,000 words
- Paul McCartney wrote around 80,000 to 100,000 words
- George Harrison wrote around 30,000 to 40,000 words
- Ringo Starr wrote around 1,000 to 2,000 words (he wrote fewer songs than the others)
Keep in mind that these are rough estimates and may not be entirely accurate. But I hope this gives you an idea of the total word count for all Beatles songs!
me: wow! thank you so much! [can't believe i thanked the AI here, but whatever, weed had the wheel ok]
meta AI: You're welcome! It was my pleasure to help. I hope you found the estimate helpful. The Beatles have an incredible legacy, and their music has brought joy to so many people around the world. If you have any more questions or need help with anything else, feel free to ask! And remember, "All you need is love..."
anyway, congratulations to me personally for politely bullying an AI to do more work than it initially claimed it was capable of doing. sometimes saying please will actually make the computer do the thing 👍
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adickaboutspoons · 5 months ago
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Oh boy. Okay. Here we go
A totes calm and measured response to this post over here by @themetabridge. Forgiveness for the whole new post. I had too much to say to fit into what Tumblr apparently thinks is an appropriate length for a re-blog.
First? I mean. Text just means the words and actions as they are said and shown in a given piece of media being analyzed. Which is what I’m here to do with my meta – textual analysis. That’s why I insist on textual support for any argument interpreting the media in question. Naked assertions do nothing to explain how you arrived at your conclusion. Vibes aren’t good enough. Show me what IN THE TEXT made you think what you think, and I will do you the courtesy of the same. Otherwise, I don’t see how we could possibly have much to say to one another.
The fundamental breakdown we are having is that you have failed to provide a textual basis for why you think Ed is a bad person. While I respect your assertion that a person’s essential goodness is predicated on the actions that they perform, I cannot respect the corollary supposition that there are actions that are either “good” or “bad” in a vacuum, as this completely ignores circumstance and motivation. WHY someone does something is AT LEAST as important as WHAT they did.
For example - Stede killed Ned Lowe in cold blood. Does it matter that he did it because Ned “shit-talked [his] friend and damaged [his] ship,” and “fucked Calypso’s birthday”? Does it matter that Ed, the person whom Ned’s shit-talk actually impacted, told Stede not to do it? Twice? Does it matter that Ned was a subdued enemy combatant, and as such could have just as easily been gagged like Hornberry and the overtly racist Wellington, who survived imprisonment and went on to watch Ed and Stede sign the Act of Grace? Do we compare Ned to the French Captain who got flayed for his racist rhetoric, though Ned’s comment was, strictly speaking, about Ed’s class rather than his race? How far are we going to go to disentangle class and race when one absolutely informs the other?
How about a more straight-forward example; Stede set an unnamed man on fire and quipped about it like some asshole 80's action hero. Does it matter that he threatened Stede’s life? How about if, when he did so, he was twenty feet away, armed only with the bottle he had just broken over his head, and there were half-a dozen pirates between him and Stede who all thought Stede was hot shit, and so Stede was in no immediate danger? What if Stede has a long history of people making attempts on his life, and being unsure that he even deserves to live, and this is meant to show that, now that he has something to live for, he’s done with the part of his life where he lets anyone try to take that away from him?
This is what I mean when I say that the show is careful to never outright condemn the use of violence. The narrative tells us clearly that, within the context of the show, some things are more important than an unnamed or one-off character’s life – preservation of one’s own life or the lives of one’s loved ones, dignity in the face of racially-based persecution, resistance to colonial oppressors. The reasons for and direction of violence matters. Context matters.
And speaking of context, you misunderstand me when you suppose that only what literally appears before our eyes counts can be “read into the text”. I refuse to give extra-textual sources of information (such as the historical reality of sergeant recruiters and being pressed into service or the historical Golden Age of Piracy) any weight unless they can be validated by in-text support, because the show itself cares fuck-all about historical accuracy. But extrapolations about the in-show universe based on in-text support are fine.
So, considering that the very first thing we hear in the show is Frenchie’s little ditty about the violent reality of a pirate’s life, and considering Jack’s comment at brekkie about how pirating is an "ugly profession”, and considering what we see of the raids in 1x5 and 2x2, we can reasonably conclude that pirate culture is steeped in toxic masculinity where the expectation of performing violence is de rigueur. Because Ed has carved out a successful reputation as Blackbeard, and because we see the ease with which he can go from being casually conversant with Stede to “giving it some oomph” to scare the location of the treasure out of the French captain in 1x5 with the THREAT of violence, we can reasonably conclude that he can successfully perform the required violent displays of piratical society (or at least, given that we know by his bathtub confession that he has not personally killed anyone since his father, he can adopt a convincing enough posturing that no one would doubt he COULD). From his interactions with Jack and familiarity with “yardies” and “whippies”, and his ruminations about “the old days” of “drinking all day and biting the heads off turtles or making some poor bloke eat his own toes for a laugh”, and Fang’s assertion that Ed made him kill his dog, we can reasonably assume that Ed has a history with casual violence for the sake of fun and cruelty for cruelty’s sake.
However.
I think “the old days” is an important qualifier there. Season 1 Izzy may be frustrated that Ed is not performing Blackbeard sufficiently well to suit him (on that point we can agree), but even by his own deathbed confession “for YEARS I egged [him] on, even though I knew [Ed] had outgrown [the Blackbeard persona]” (emphasis mine, and pin in that for a moment). In 2x1, Fang is crying into his cake saying “I’ve never seen Blackbeard like this” - indicating that the conditions of the Kraken era are NOT the norm. The slivers of Ed we see in 1x3 before the Spanish raid are marked by him speaking calmly and rationally to Izzy (in stark contradiction to Izzy’s insistence that he’s half-mad) never even raising his voice much less using threats or any actual violence to get Izzy to do what he wants. In fact, it is Izzy who suggests a course of action involving very normative piratical violence (“Do we open fire? Or would you rather we just attack them, kill them, throw them out to the sharks, sir?”), which Ed counters with a genteel proposition - inviting (not even ordering!) Stede aboard for a face-to-face meeting. Izzy being comfortable enough to push back against orders (“Oh, Edward, can’t I just send the boys?”) even suggests that he feels no threat from Ed at all. Every indication is that by the time we meet Ed, well before he ever meets Stede, he’s already well past done with violence for violence sake.
When Ed does meet with Stede, before he’d fallen in love (Even though the are the U-Hauliest, I would argue “fascination” with a possible side of “infatuation”, but certainly not yet love), one of the early conversations they have is about the depiction of Blackbeard in Stede’s book of pirates. Ed expresses revulsion and anger that the persona that he’s worked so hard to cultivate has been twisted into a hyper-violent parody - a “Vampire Viking Clown” that’s barely even human, with a head of smoke and overladen with weapons and hardly bears any resemblance to the real man. We’re meant to understand that this is not a valid or accurate representation of who he is. Violence is a normative part of pirate life, but he has “one knife, and one gun JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE” (emphasis mine, again) - he doesn’t shirk from using the tools of violence when it’s necessary, but he is NOT excessively or wantonly violent. 
And we SEE the evidence of this because of how Stede reacts to the way Ed acts around Jack. Jack keeps Ed drunk all day, decoupling his inhibitions from his decision-making processes and, in spite of Ed explicitly saying that he’s mellowed out, Jack eggs him into the kind of hyper-violent Jackassery that is excessive even for pirate society if the nervous reactions of Stede’s crew are any indication. Of course, this is all part of Jack’s plan - to manipulate both Ed and Stede and force them apart - and the reason that it works is because the way Ed acts around Jack is NOT the way he chooses to act under his own volition, hence Stede’s frustration and disappointment.
While I agree that piratical violence is not political praxis, I would argue that, considering that every raid we have witnessed Ed participate in has been against a representative of colonial power and, more often than not, specifically the enforcing arm thereof, it’s not unfair to conclude that Ed’s reasoning goes that if piratical violence is to be done, better against someone who deserves it than not - i.e. those who perpetuate the violence of colonialism. Regarding instances of violence outside the context of raids, here’s where we take that pin out of Izzy. Izzy and Ed are locked in a cycle of abuse over the first season, wherein Izzy decides that Ed is not Blackbearding hard enough, and, because he feels entitled to controlling Ed’s actions, bullies and harasses him into capitulating  - typically in the form of performing violence. Afterwards, Izzy performs some form of deference - apologizing and/or acting as though he’s going to leave, which Ed “talks him down from” and mercifully allows him to stay. It’s why, when Ed sees Izzy packing up a dinghy (lol. With what? It’s not like he’s on his own ship or would have brought his things with him, or sacked plunder from the Revenge. Clearly he was just stalling until Ed noticed him and swooped in to do his part of the cycle) he tells Stede he “should deal with this,” as though it’s tedious, but normal occurrence. I think an important part of this cycle as the season progresses, though, is how Izzy keeps upping the stakes.
So by the time we get to the end of the season, when the last iteration of the cycle starts up again (when Ed is once more insufficiently Blackbearding by being emotionally vulnerable and open with the crew following his return to the Revenge and his stint in the pillow fort (note that Izzy is apparently FINE with Ed not being Peak Pirate, just as long as he hides it away from everyone), and Izzy once more bullies and threatens Ed) this time it is especially cruel - Izzy is a thumb in the wound, attacking Ed at his most vulnerable and saying it would be better if Ed was DEAD than “pining for his boyfriend.” This iteration now also brings with it a history of escalation (first in Izzy bringing Fang and Ivan in to force Ed's hand about killing Stede, lest he look "weakened by the love of a pet" before his crew, and therefore in danger of mutiny, and then by bringing in the British Navy to force Ed to take Izzy back - or rather, to force Izzy back into Ed's life because the terms of the agreement see Ed remanded into Izzy's custody as though he is property to be distributed at the will of the Brits) - an established pattern of the lengths to which Izzy will go to get what he wants, and so a very real threat implicit in Izzy’s warning that “Ed had better watch his step” as Izzy serves only Blackbeard. So Ed gives him what he wants. He Blackbeards it up just like Izzy insisted, and lets Izzy know in no uncertain terms that the insubordination is done. It’s not a "frat boy prank" when he cuts off Izzy’s toe and feeds it to him, or even something from which he's deriving pleasure as he might have in the old days; it’s a calculated, proportional response, done under duress and against his own inclinations, but exactly the tool required to get the message across clearly.
As to the question of why it matters if Ed is bad, first and foremost, because saying that he is bad requires you to explicitly read contrary to the text. If you’re not going to engage with the text on its own terms, I don’t see how you can do any analysis of what story it’s trying to tell. I already discussed the ways in which the narrative is specifically about how Ed is NOT bad, even when he himself thinks he is. I have also discussed how, while “violence is never the answer” may be broadly understood to be the correct way of comporting oneself in real life, the show never condemns violence across the board. The show condemns cruelty, both on an interpersonal and societal level, but positions the use of violence as an acceptable and reasonable response thereunto. It treats circumstance and motivation with nuance and weight. Living within this context, Ed’s use of violence by the time we meet him is well within the normative acceptable application thereof. Judging him by standards outside the context of the story within which he exists makes as much sense as judging the Stede from the show for being a slave owner because that’s historical fact - that’s just not applicable to who he is in THIS story.
But more importantly, it matters because Ed is a POC character. Describing him as “cruel and perverse” for utilizing violence, particularly when the violence he uses is NOT excessive or impulsive, perpetuates negative race-based stereotypes about hyper-violent men of color. Characterizing him as “bad” for his use of violence when other (white) characters, such as Stede, use violence in similar ways, or are cruel or petty, but can still be considered, on balance, “good” means that Ed is being held to a different, higher standard than those white characters, and perpetuates the frankly racist criteria of expecting POC exceptionalism for POCs to be considered for the base-line assumptions of acceptability that are afforded to their white counterparts. Saying that Stede’s love is what changed Ed’s behavior from cruelty to wholesale abandoning piratical principles is not only antithetical to what actually happens in the show, but suggests a read that POC Ed needs a good white man to show him how to behave, a real white knight to tame his savage heart. That’s some real White Man’s Burden shit there, bro. I highly recommend you put it down.
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lexirosewrites · 18 days ago
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You asked for more about S/G and I don’t want to do my homework. So let’s go.
The version of sentinels that shows up the most in fic - no idea if it’s accurate to the original source - is that sentinels have low key super powers, faster reactions, better senses, stronger, and a very very strong protective instinct. The other side of the coin is that they can zone and get stuck in a sense. What counts as a sense varies, but my faves are when they basically get so fixated on something they get a little feral, increasingly freaking out, and then they drop into a zone, and dissociate into their own mind.
It’s dangerous for them because they have a really hard time getting out on their own. So starvation, etc is a risk. Sentinels also get a reputation as dangerous because if something does set them off, they’re likely to hurt someone, whether the threat was real or not because they’re generally stuck in an Always On state.
Other side of this is Guides. They’re supposed to be the calming anchor for sentinels. Literally the one to Guide them out of a zone, or guide them when they need to go into a serious crisis. Depending who writes it, guides are just a helping hand for sentinels, or they can very mildly effect everyone, diffusing situations and having a really good sense of emotions and danger. I’ve also seen where the Sentinel can pull energy out of their guide to win a fight when things get really bad.
There’s also a thing where they aren’t quite soulmates, but there are pairs who are much much better matches and work better together.
As for the known/unknown divide. If it’s a world where S/G are known, then society has all those expectations, you watch kids, especially kids of lineages, for indication of being one. Or, they’re known but only show up when needed. Which puts them somewhere in the mythical category. Third option is that society has no idea about these guys at all and only secret societies know.
You can see how it stacks on Omegaverse right? And how the assumption would be that alphas are sentinels?
So in a combo situation for Steddie, I’d go with a society that doesn’t really call them Sentinels and Guides, considers that a fairytale, but does know that sometimes there are alphas who are More Alpha, and omegas who are More Omega. Because the correlation for that kind of combo is the most likely.
The lineages are suuuper long, like, two or three generations between Sentinels or Guides showing up is fast. The lineage carries the potential though, if you have the right set of genes it’s a really mild effect, but if the right kind of stresses hit you at the right time, it can activate you.
Now then. Steddie. They’re not the right combination. They’re the kind that just makes them weird.
Steve is an omega, but is more aggressive in his protective nature than others. He’s always been able to push around the alphas, but he’s also a bit beloved in school because hes an absolute bitch and ruins the social life of anyone he decides has hurt someone. (This means he’s basically blind to how Tommy and Carol treat others, or he believes the stories they tell him)
Eddie is an alpha but has always been too soft, too caring, too worried about how others feel. His dad hates him for it. Eddie gets activated wayyyy too young, like, 8 or 9, when his mom has a breakdown and Eddie desperately needs to fix it. When he moves in with Wayne and is at Hawkins schools all the time, he doesn’t know why he’s obsessed with Harrington, and hates how confused he feels about him. Like he’s supposed to be his alpha and protect him, but also like he should let Steve take the lead. So. He stays the hell away from him.
Steve wouldn’t notice Eddie at all. He’s just that weird kid with his cluster of weirdos. Steve doesn’t activate until the demogorgon. He’s felt off, all twitchy and paranoid since Barb, the first time the monster got close enough to ping his latent senses, but it’s not until he sees the Demogorgon, until he runs, that he activates. He’s at his car, and his alpha Nancy told him to leave, and his entire world shifts. No idea what’s happening, but he has to go back and keep them safe, he has to fight that thing.
That’s as much contact for a stack as I have for you. You can totally think it should be a different set up or situation. Or hate it entirely. But I like the way it makes both Steve and Eddie wrong according to their designation and the way they’d be all kinds of confused about each other.
oooh okay yeah this makes more sense now. i love learning about different AUs that i have no experience with because they’re always so creative and complex.
and of course steddie are the wrong kinds and subsequently make a mess of things! are they really steddie if things are easy for them?😭
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livelaughlovesubs · 8 months ago
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I read this from yours https://www.tumblr.com/livelaughlovesubs/743492538930954240/pitiful-thing?source=share
And i couldn't help reading it due to your amazing writing even if im not really into sadism-, anyway can we have more raphael?a part 2 but can you make it fluffy/sweet if its okay? Thank you!
Hey hey! Thank you for reading it :D and like always, I’m sorry it took so long… anyway, here it is :>
How pitiful
Part one!
Raphael x reader
Word count: 5.9k
This includes: triggering content, angst (aftermath from the first part), mental breakdown? Very toxic, at the end there’s fluff (happy end?), reader is still the same (very selfish)
Okay so, I wanted to make this like fluffy and sweet, and I didn’t manage to do that. I’M SORRY. Cuz I had too many ideas and so the fluff part would only be at the end. Sometimes there are small pieces of it throughout the story, but yea. I didn’t want to stop in the middle of it and make a third part cuz then you wouldn’t get the fluff you wanted, so I’m sorry that you had to wait this long, even then it’s more angst than fluff I’m sorry.
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After a while, the corrosive smell started to bother you. Your hands were dyed completely red now. They were sticky and had feathers stuck to them, the blood of the male dried too. For a moment, it felt like you had a hangover. The things you did in the last few hours and the emotions you felt were slowly fading away, leaving nothing but desire behind. All you remembered was a vivid dream akin experience, one where you got to finally feel alive after falling down this deep abyss. The sudden change in environment seems to have influenced you more than you imagined. How you yearned for the screams and cries of him. It has only been a few minutes, yet that feeling, the rush of adrenaline started to disappear like a childhood memory. You didn’t want to forget it, you wanted to keep it sealed within you forever.
Time was passing by like usual, yet for some reason you didn’t seem responsive, as if you weren’t really there. As if you were floating in space, every nerve in your body turned off and your senses dulled. You couldn’t really acknowledge your surroundings, simply at the wall, contemplating and thinking about whatever you did remember. Everything that happened was being replayed in your head like a show, sadly the graphic setting was low and everything was a blur. Except for those crimson eyes of him.
The different expressions his eyes bore were mesmerising, enough to leave its imprint on you. How the once fierce look he owned turned into one of uncertainties, of doubt and fear. Your room looked like the aftermath of a battle. Luckily for you it was at a hotel, so you wouldn’t need to clean it. This wasn’t earth, it wouldn’t matter if the owner sees all of this, the evident of your action, the proof of your true desires. You felt empty again, like the fulfilment you felt before was ran out. The hand on the back of his head moved to his cheeks, moving his face backwards. He has been resting his chin in the crook of your neck the entire time without making a single sound, slowly it got suspicious.
Raphael was breathing very weakly and shallow, apparently he also got a nosebleed. “Hey, wake up.” You muttered, rubbing his cheeks gently. His pale face had blood stains, but his eyes were still closed. Right now he looked very vulnerable, so helpless as if he was someone that needed protection. At the same time he also appeared like an innocent child in your eyes, one that’s been depraved of love. How pitiful he is, being cast aside by his creator and now stuck in the claws of a monster. Since you wore him out a lot, you let him sleep. It didn’t matter if you knew nothing about the anatomy of an angel, if one is exhausted they need to take a break. You laid him down onto the humid mattress before you got up to go to the bathroom.
Now that you cleaned yourself up and got a towel, you started to clean the still asleep male too, wiping the excessive body fluids of him away. It was a little disturbing considering you were the cause of all of this, but you could manage. When you saw the two holes on his belly, where his piercings have been, you gaged a little. The scene turned out to be a bit more grotesque than you remembered. Speaking of memories, it was strange how you couldn’t recall what happened very clearly. After all, it was just happened, as if you weren’t thinking clearly when you did all that. You didn’t regret it though, because if there’s one thing you remembered, then it’s that you loved every second of it. Every action to the words you spoke, you knew you enjoyed yourself a lot. Enough to make you want to go for a second round.
Eventually you finished wiping him, sitting down next to Raphael again. Still so quiet, this wasn’t normal. Your first thought was that he fell asleep, though upon further inspection his face was starting to get pale. Soon you realised that he passed out and sighed, “…not good.” It looked like he lost his consciousness, probably due to the excessive amount of blood he lost. One glance was all you needed to know your hypothesis was right. In the end, you did rip his wings off, not to mention how the bed was now akin to the red carpet. A stressed out groan left you, why were thing always so difficult. Aftercare is great and all, but what should you do if he needs immediate treatment? It’s not like you can carry him all the way to paradise lost. Will today be the day you kill someone for the first time?
Suddenly the door to your hotel room crashed down, and a group of devils barged in. These devils, they really know no manners. Though you were also glad to some degree, because you saw Satan, sitri, and Marbas. “Y/n!” The devil with the white hair ran towards you, but he stopped after taking three steps. Sitri, who was pushing Marbas, followed his king and stopped right next to him. “Solomon, what happened?” That devil asked, his voice was filled with confusion. They must be shocked to see the state the room is in, not to mention Raphael. “I’ll tell you later. Marbas, can you help this guy here? He’s lost a lot of blood.” You looked calm, terrifyingly so, no panic could be spotted in your voice nor did you have a fast heartbeat. “I’ll see what I can do.” Marbas answered after a bit and got out of his binds. When he got close enough to recognise who that was, he hesitated. He still started treating him afterwards, despite the identity of the patient.
“Satan, why are you here?” In all honesty, you didn’t care, and you had a vague idea how they knew your location, but you didn’t want to answer their questions. You weren’t in the mood to right now. “When you disappeared so suddenly, everyone got worried. Then sitri found you.” Nothing you couldn’t guess yourself. “And? Why’s Marbas here?” This time, the devil with the blue hair spoke up, “I heard two heartbeats, and I recognised that the other one was an angel. That’s why.” So they thought you got beaten up or injured, huh, if that’s the case they are pretty late for a rescue operation. “What about you tell us your side of the story now?” It seems like you won’t be able to get out of this one. You noticed that he gritted his teeth again, one look was enough to tell he wasn’t happy. “Well, you see…” “y/n, your majesty Satan and sitri. I’m done, I stopped the bleeding and treated his injuries. Though this won’t be enough, we’ll need to bring him to paradise lost.” In the nick of time Marbas reported his observations and actions, in contrary to what you predicted, you were able to dodge the questions again.
“Why do we need to go all the way there, won’t the hospital in Gehenna suffice?” Satan scoffed, he was getting more furious by the second. First your disappearance, now all the hassle for an enemy. “Because… I believe only his majesty lucifer and gamigin knows how to properly treat him.” Just as Satan was about to inquire about the former seraphim’s injuries, you barged in, “All right, we don’t have much time, no? Shouldn’t we be on the way?” Everything was taking too long, so you interrupted their little small talk and rushed them. In addition, you also walked over to the bed, picking up the white jacket that belonged to his outfit and wrapped him in it. Sitri seems to have finally caught on and helped you carrying him. This was going to be a long night. It was so much hassle just to keep someone alive, maybe you should let him die instead? Was it because of your hardened personality that you weren’t sorry for him, that you didn’t feel any remorse?
It’s been three weeks since Raphael got taken in at the hospital of paradise lost. Your life hasn’t changed much, in fact it reversed back to how it was before your second meeting with him. Today, while you were visiting him, the sleeping beauty finally opened his eyes. It did caught you off guard, so you started to call for the doctor. “You’re [—]. Ah, lucifer, where’s [——]?” His view was blurry, it was like watching black paint spread on a clean paper. Furthermore his head was hurting a lot, as if he had been on a carousel for too long. It was to the point he couldn’t even register your voice properly. “…where…?” The man uttered, it was more like a groan of pain than words. He tried to cover his eyes with his hand due to how bright it was, that’s when he noticed an IV stuck to his arm. “You [—] hospital, if you [——] noticed.” It was still difficult to understand you, but it got better the more he tried. “…is that you, y/n?” Raphael asked and his hand reached out to you, his body acted before he could think about it. You held his hand and intertwined your fingers, then you squeezed his hand. “Yes.” He flinched at that, a little surprised at this sudden gentleness coming from you. This wasn’t how you were like last time, but he didn’t hate it.
A few minutes later lucifer also came into the room, the patient froze upon seeing his former colleague, he also hold your hand more firmly. You didn’t need two brain cells to know they had something to say to each other, so you got up to leave the room. When you stopped holding his hand, he tensed up again, in the end he eventually let go. Were you overthinking it or was he acting differently than before? Nonetheless, you went out to get some food for him. With a bit of discussing and arguing, you got Satan to give you permission to keep him. He did almost die because of you, with that being said you also thought he’d be more wary of you. In the end, you were proven wrong. For the time being you were going to be nice to him, so that he will want to stay, it’d be no good if he runs away. It’s been three weeks now, three weeks of pure boredom. After all that torturous wait, you finally felt an ounce of excitement.
When you got back to his resting place with a bag of to go food, you met lucifer who was just coming out of the room. They must have had a very long talk, was what you thought. You weren’t really curious about what they talked about though, which is why you asked him instead, “can he get out today? He looks healthy enough.” To your surprise the male disagreed, explaining, “he lost his wings, he’ll need physiotherapy.” The confusion was written all over your face like the front cover of a magazine, you said with an irritated tone, “you mean he can’t walk?” “Not good at best.” You should trust the words of a doctor, especially him who has more experience than you, yet you still couldn’t wrap your head around it. “But, it’s his wings he lost. He always walked without showing them.” Lucifer was kingly enough to explain it to you, how much patience he must have, “not showing them and not having them are two different things. He’s been used to having wings it for as long as he lived, this sudden change will cause his body to lose balance, because…” he has too much patience for sure, normally you though he was a quiet guy, though it looks like he can talk a lot if it’s his field. Great, now you had to listen to him lecture you about angel anatomy.
A while later buer called for lucifer, he had something to take care of and left you alone. You on the other hand was standing in front of the patient room now, still holding the now cold bag. So he has to stay here for a month, and then continuously visit it to get better. Is this was you want? Slowly your thoughts were getting too complicated, which is why you stepped inside. “You are back.” You saw raphael turn his head towards you. How pitiful he looked, all bedridden like this. “Yea, are you hungry?” That was a very unnecessary question, really, you didn’t know why you just wasted your breath with that one. Nevertheless you got closer and sat down on the chair next to him, then opened the bag and let him look inside. Maybe you should have used the microwave first, if there was one that is. “It’s all for you.” You added, in case he misunderstands anything. His hand reached out to your direction, though instead of the food he grabbed your hand. “…” “…?” This was bizarre to say the least, he didn’t make any sense. Both of you stayed silent, a few minutes felt like days. Why did he do that? You wondered, but before you could ask he let go of your hand again and reached inside the bag. “Thanks.” The male whispered, then bit into his food.
It was awkward, none of you dared to say something about the new promises between you two. The situation already escalated to the point where you couldn’t go back, guess you had to keep your word then. At some point, after he finished his meal, he just stared at his hands clenching the blankets. It looked like he was deep in thoughts, maybe even regretting ever meeting you. Was what happened only a mistake done in the heat of the moment? Were you going to tell him, ‘sorry, I didn’t mean to’ and then leave? After taking everything from him? That’s what he was contemplating. He can’t return to heaven without his wings, not that he exactly wants to go back, but if hell doesn’t have a place for him where can he go to? Your expression was neutral, too calm even, he couldn’t read you.
It was frustrating, you didn’t get any backlash from it, yet his life had turned upside down. Out of nowhere he reached out to you again and grabbed you by your collar, “You have to take responsibility, you can’t leave me now.” The male threatened you, getting really close to your face. Despite his deep voice, you saw the fear in his eyes, like a stormy night filled with thunder. He moved up too fast, as well as using too much strength, causing him to lose balance and fall over, crashing into your arms with his upper body. This wasn’t anything too dangerous, since you managed to catch him and prevent the fall of you two. It still hurt a little, because his fingers were gripping your shoulders really tight.
“Be careful now.” You said, pulling him in to hug him tightly, watching him tremble a little. This is weird, it wasn’t a natural reaction, so you questioned, “What’s wrong?” “I can’t…” “What?” He was acting strange, this was starting to make you feel uneasy too. Suddenly you hugged you back, holding onto you while saying, “You can’t leave me, don’t leave, never again. You made me like this, you have to take responsibility. Please, please, don’t abandon me too.” His eyes were unfocused, hieratic and wild, he panted while uttering those words like a prayer. The aspect that confused you the most was his expression, an unsettling, forced smile as he clung to you, repeating those phrases like a madman, “don’t leave, I can’t afford it now, don’t leave me.”
You stroked his hair and tried to reassure him, his voice was shaking the entire time. Has he finally gone crazy now? “as long as you behave good, I won’t leave. I’d never leave. I’m right here, Raphael, I’m right here.” It doesn’t matter if he is delusional or not, it’s easier this way. What a twisted path fate has planned out for him, it seems like no matter which turn he takes, he’ll always end up miserable. Even so he just adores when you hold him, when you make his life worth living by planting the seed of love within him. Just a few words that doesn’t even need to be true are enough to wrap him around your finger. You were no good for him, this much was clear from the beginning. Like the deadliest drug, giving him the illusion of temporal happiness, all while slowly rotting him from the inside. He can’t get out of this, he doesn’t want to get out, as long as you are alive he’ll keep using this drug, begging you for more. You can’t leave now, and he’ll make sure it stays like this forever.
Soon your visiting time was over, it was the break of dawn and you had to go home. You wanted to leave and already got up from your seat, he then asked, “where are you going?” “I’m going home, you have to stay here for a while.” Something was amiss again, the atmosphere got heavier. His eyes widened and you saw him getting uncomfortable, the change was so drastically like a light switch. “Take me with you,” Raphael demanded. “What?” This surprised you now. “I want to go with you.” He repeated his words once again, after hearing it for the second time you were still bewildered.
You’d like to say you saw determination in his eyes, but you only saw suspicion and anxiety. “If you want to, but lucifer said…” You abruptly stopped mid sentence, before adding, “you know what, let’s just leave together.” Then you gave him a hand. He tried to stand up, one step after another and hold your hand firmly. Out of nowhere he fell forwards, crashing into you again. Just like last time you managed to grab him and prevent the fall. “Ugh.” The boy yelped a little, and with your help, he managed to get back on his feet. Why was his balance so off, you thought, before you remembered the words of lucifer. To think losing his wing would have such an impact on him, you didn’t imagine it’d be this bad.
But standing alone wasn’t enough. You took a few steps back, and waited for him to follow you. When he did, he instantly fell over again. This time you weren’t there to catch him, and he crashed onto the floor. “Ah..” it wasn’t really painful, considering what he went through, but it scared him. He couldn’t walk like before anymore and flying was definitely out of the question. Even if he knew it will get better, this shock still had a physiological effect on him. Was this truly his fate, the path his lord has chosen for him? Will he find the affection he never got once he reached the end of this? He stared back to his legs, cursing his pathetic state under his breath, why was everything so hard?
You on the other hand was mesmerised, those vulnerable and desperate actions of his were making forgotten emotions float up to the surface again. These were the feelings you missed for three weeks, life’s been so boring without him like the main component was missing. The way he looked so crude was making your heart pound. You wanted him, so bad it hurt. When he looked up to you, he met your gaze, the face you made was indescribable. Was it joy, want, or anger? It made him anxious. An unfamiliar place without anyone he can trust. He killed may devils, who knows when one of them would attack him? His helplessness was causing him to depend on you more and more. “Get up, here.” Once again you reached your hand out to him, and pulled him up. With you here to help him keep balance, he was able to move more precisely.
The two of you didn’t do anything dramatic, simply walking out of the hospital hand in hand. Even if you walked pass other devils, they didn’t dare to say anything. You were the descendant of Solomon, and he was the infamous red angel. Was. Sometimes he would trip a little and lean forward, but you always managed to keep him on his feet. It felt like escorting someone who was drunk. Soon you two got out of the hospital and you called for a taxi, then you opened the door and pushed him inside. Raphael held your hand the entire time, unwilling to let go even for a moment. And with that, you two were making your way back to Gehenna.
Now you’ve done it, you really broke out of the hospital. It was way less dramatic than you thought, even so it left a bad taste in your mouth. You could still turn back and act like all of this never happened, should you? Then you looked over to the man sitting next to you in the car, he was looking out of the window, observing hell. “How do you feel, Raphael? You only woke up today after all.” He flinched at your words, then turned around. “I’m fine, I don’t need to go back.” Silence, a pretty awkward one at that. You still haven’t figured out how you should treat him, just the thought that he didn’t feel any resentment towards you was weird. On one hand you wanted to talk about it, on the other hand you didn’t know if it was the right time to do so. Suddenly Raphael spoke up again, “can I hold your hand?” He’s been like that all day, wanting to do such an innocent act with you, as if you didn’t turn his life upside down. It wouldn’t hurt to agree, so you held your hand out. The male was still looking out the window, in addition to that he was also holding your hand now. The rest of the ride went by like this, quietly and peacefully.
Once you two arrived in Gehenna, you helped him get out of the car. He stumbled a little but he was able to walk, though sometimes he would lose his footing and stray off. With heavy steps you two managed to get to your room. The devils who saw you two didn’t stop you, in such instances it was better to stay curious than knowing somehting they shouldn’t. You two had to go up the stairs to reach your destination, that was fun. Really fun. After he arrived in your room, you immediately made him sit down on your bed. He panted a little, already tired, probably because he didn’t move for the past few weeks. Satan did allow him to stay here, but you weren’t sure if he had an own room yet, so you suggested, “You can stay here for the time being, until I get you a separate room.” “…can it be the one next to yours then?” He asked, it was more like a condition though. “I’ll see what I can do.” “Then i don’t mind staying here.” That wasn’t something he gets to decide. You didn’t know what to think about sharing your privacy like this, since you didn’t have an answer yet, you changed the topic.
“Raphael, how do you feel?” “I answered you already, I’m fine,” he sounded mildly annoyed. “Yea, alright. Then what you are thinking?” “What I am thinking? Let’s see.” Raphael stretched himself on your bed, while you stood in front of him. “I can still remember the pain very well. Don get me wrong, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I don’t need it.” The male started explaining, his expression was serious and nonchalant. Then he trailed off, “huh, my chest feels tight whenever you aren’t here, if I can’t make sure you are with me my air gets snapped off. Like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest by force.” You weren’t sure what to do with these information, based on what you understood it seems like he has a few screws loose. “And?” “And it aches, it hurts. I can’t stand the idea of being separated from you.” He fumbled with his sleeves, but he wasn’t uncomfortable with sharing his thoughts.
Suddenly, out of nowhere he raised his voice, those red eyes of his showed an insatiable hunger in them, a need that can’t be satisfied. He grabbed your leg and pleaded, “don’t hurt me, you can hurt my body but don’t hurt me. Don’t leave me on my own, okay?” It’d be an understatement to say you were caught off guard by his sudden touch. Instead of replying him, you tried to take a few steps backwards, but he held onto you tightly. “Please.” His voice echoed through the room, it kind of freaked you out. In the end you got closer to him, now only inches away from the boy. This seems to satisfy him to some amount and he continued, “my neck, hah…it feels like a hand is choking me. It’s snapping my air off. Choke me please, take this feeling away.” “What are you talking about?” You couldn’t keep your bewilderedness hidden anymore, trying hard to understand the current situation.
“You are the only thing I have left. It’s only fair if I’m the only one in yours too. I’ll be good, I’ll be obedient, please tell me you need me like how I need you.” His hands grabbed your hips, fingers digging into your waist. “Ugh! Wait a second…” “I gave you what you wanted, because of you I ended up like this, don’t you see how good I’ve been to you?” This was getting uncomfortable, you weren’t exacltly scared for your life, rather you were concerned about the situation. Was this the consequences of your actions? “Raphael, calm the fuck down!” You grabbed his arms, trying to yank them away. It was starting to hurt, his nails were scratching you. Even admits all of this you noticed the flickering of his eyes, how his hands trembled and how he was shaking.
“Don’t you love me? Don’t you adore me? Isn’t that why you did all of this? Please tell me it’s true, don’t tell me otherwise. I don’t care if you have to lie. I didn’t do all of that for you to abandon me. Aren’t I the only one who would go this far for you? Tell me, tell me…! Please. I can’t, I can’t breathe. Y/n. Tell me you love me, please, give me everything you have. This agonising pain is too much to bear. Numb those feelings down until i am a shell of what I used to be. You can take anything from me, even if it’s my eyes. It hurts, it pains, help me, please, I’m begging. I think I’m going mad, y/n, have I made the wrong choice? All of this ache is driving me insane, you are my only escape now. Take it all away, make it go away. Is there no end to my suffering?”
His emotions just exploded, everything was all over the place. He also started crying at the same time as well as shaking you back and forth. Anger, doubt and fear filled him up to the rim. There was only so much he could take, and today was his snapping point. Your hand moved first, slapping him across the face, soon it turned red. His little breakdown was going too far and you weren’t nice enough to deal with it. “Fuck I told you to calm down, what are you doing, spouting one nonsense after another?” It’s rare for you to get this angry. You’ve learned to have a lot of patience after coming to hell but this man was pushing you out of your comfort zone. “I’m not good enough. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I can do better.” For some reason you highly doubted it, I mean just listen to what bullshit he was spouting. “Keep your hand on me, hurt me all you want. I’ll keep you entertained, I can be perfection for you.” The stare he gave you was serious, his tears rolled down his cheek with no purpose. Once again he started yapping about some hallucinations and fantasies he had in his brain.
He felt awful. There was no other way to describe it. Everything hurt, there wasn’t anything worth living for but you. If you left now who knows what he’ll do. Being casted aside all this time made him more insecure than he expected. Like a small bunny that got separated from its mother, walking into the wolfs den without a single clue. All that’s left for him was to clench onto any trace of love he could get. With god gone now, he truly had nothing left to lose, he needed nothing but your affection. This wasn’t about you, this wasn’t about him neither. It was about his obsession with finally feeling loved by his creator. For once he wants to be important to someone, to be useful and seen.
This need of his has been building up for centuries, and now he finally gave in to it. God was it pathetic. The title angel should have never been given to the likes of him, he truly was the one mistake of god. Despite all that you couldn’t deny it, the way he panicked was a little cute. It made your stomach feel butterflies, or was it something? The knowledge that all of this was your work made you feel proud. What a wise decision it was to leave with him today, when he’s still the most unstable. Getting thrown into an unfamiliar environment, meeting all kinds of people that can kill you. Maybe you two were pretty similar after all.
You were planning on being nice to him, you really were, but not anymore after all this drama he caused. “Raphael what are you talking about? You don’t get to decide who I’m seeing!” The words that felt from your lips were like blades stabbing his chest, the filter you had was turned off now. “Be grateful, that someone like me is taking care of something so filthy like you! You know it yourself, you are miserable and vulgar, it’s so selfish of you to want to keep me to yourself.” If he was going to let himself run wild like that, he also had to expect some consequences. The face he pulled was priceless, truly youthful greatest joy now. Tears dropped down his cheeks, you were enjoying yourself again, just like three weeks ago. Yes, this was the feeling you desperately missed.
“Such a pathetic being like you is destined to end up like this. Giving yourself up for me, isn’t it only natural? God favours me and not you.” That was a statement you highly doubted, since you weren’t exactly happy about being down here. Nonetheless, you said it just to make your little dove more miserable. Then you cupped his red and warm face, it was completely drenched in his tears now. His eyes looked tired, he seems to be so done with everything, so you cooed at him, “how pitiful you look…If I own you, you will finally find a purpose in that worthless life of yours again. If you give me your everything, naturally I’ll give you something worthy of it too. You can have an ounce of my affection, isn’t it great? Such a high reward for something like you!”
This was inexplainable, whenever it came to him you were like a different person. Ruining him, breaking him, hurting him, all of this became your favourite hobby. You aren’t a sadist, you are only like this with him! You are a good person, you are saving everyone in hell! It seems even you has lost your mind now. How are you going to return to earth with this mindset? The two of you were a match made from the depths of hell, a place not even god dared to enter. A truly beautiful and twisted bridge full of thorns. Instead of fighting together you made him clear the way for you, only to push him into the deadly river afterwards. Why you’d go this far? Honestly you didn’t have a good reason, it was all done for the sake of your enjoyment. “You aren’t enough Raphael, you are never enough.” A soft smile appeared on your face as you chuckled. This was fulfilling, but that blackhole inside you ached for more. “I’m so sorry Raphael, that you were born, and that you have to keep living. I’m begging you, please be lonely forever. Do it for me?”
Raphael was sobbing quietly, yet his features didn’t tell he was sad, instead relief was written all over his face. He didn’t know why, but you were dazzling right now. When you touched him it felt like the hand of god, you were his replacement for his lord. “I know it hurts, it will only get worse from here on, but soon you’ll be craving the pain.” You whispered, wiping his tears away with tender movements. “Please endure all of this and live miserable with me for a long time.” Stay with you, forever, that was all he heard. He filtered the words out he didn’t want to hear, then he gave you a meek smile. How adorable, so damn cute you won’t ever let go of him. You caressed his cheeks from above, smiling back at him. No one could understand the relationship of you two, it was something truly unique and wonderful. Who would have thought that the bunny and the wolf ended up together?
“y/n, do you love me?” Raphael asked, it looks like he finally calmed down. How strange that such words were able to help him. Or it broke him more, who knows. You had to think about what to say, the feelings you experienced when you were with him, the ache you felt and how you wanted to do so many things to him. After a few moments, you eventually came to the conclusion this must be love. Love makes one crazy, if this isn’t love, then what is it? It would mean it was something much more sinister, and that didn’t have a nice sound to it. Maybe it was just a mutual reliance, each one takes something from the other they desperately need while hurting all the involved parties as they do. Even if that was the truth, you couldn’t care less. All you wanted to do was to hold him while he repeats the words, ‘I’m yours’. You kissed his forehead, then answered with a ‘yes’. He pulled you towards him and both of you fell onto the bed, it bounced a little due to your weights. Then, Raphael hugged you tightly as he whispered, “I’m glad. I love you too.”
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ficsbyuzi · 2 months ago
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i FoUnD yOu
Part -2
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Read part 1 here
Characters : Aegon Targaryen, Aemond Targaryen and Alyna Martell (Dornish OFC) in modern Westeros (modern AU)
Warnings: +18, swearing, smoking, violence (kinda)
Word count: 2.7 k
A/N: Flashback is in italics. Motivation struck and wrote this today. Ignore the errors, pretty please?
SEVEN YEARS AGO.
KING’S LANDING UNIVERSITY.
Flanked by his friends Martyn and Leon, Aegon strutted toward the parking lot near the campus main gate, a cigarette dangling from his lips. As usual, they were skipping their classes.
“So, what are you gonna do about it?” asked the blonde-haired Martyn, kicking a stone off their path.
“Look, I don’t care about the business and stuff,” Aegon replied in a casual, carefree tone. “I’d rather roam the world, drink every type of wine they have out there, fuck a woman or two in every country.” He took a long drag from his cigarette, then dropped it on the ground.
“Life’s too short to stay stuck in one place,” he said, shrugging and releasing a plume of smoke into the air.
“Aegon, the dragoncock,” Leon said, bowing theatrically.
The three young men erupted in laughter as Aegon crushed the cigarette under his shoe.
“Yes! Yes! And I’d rather start a band and…”
“OI, TARGARYEN!”
Aegon was interrupted by the booming call of his family name echoing down the corridor.
He turned to see the source of the voice, which sounded more like a challenge for a fight than a call. A rash, cheeky grin played on his lips as Alyna Martell stormed towards him, her nostrils flaring and jaw taut.
He was unsure of the cause of her ire; he only relished the satisfaction of her evident anger. He couldn't help it. Seeing her bothered and frustrated brought him an odd joy. Thanks to the long-standing rivalry between the Martells of Dorne and the Targaryens of King's Landing, which evolved into a giant business feud over time, the resentment between the two families had seeped into their youngest members.
“Alyna! No!” A girl came running after her, trying to stop her from whatever wild thing she was about to do. The smudged mascara around the girl's eyes and her reddened nose, hinted at her recent breakdown. Before she could catch up to her, Alyna had already reached an arm length from Aegon, her stance resembling that of a viper, ready to strike at its prey.
Aegon retreated reflexively, the amusement on his face fading. Only putting that little distance between them didn't help much, when two punches, hard and brutal, landed on his nose.
His cronies of friends froze on their spots. The sudden, unexpected blows disordered the world around him, evoking a ringing sensation in his ears and muffling the sharp scream from the girl, who was trying to stop Alyna.
A shock wave of gasps rippled through the bustling corridor. Everyone froze in their places, their attention redirected to the scene.
Alyna made a bold declaration, pointing a finger at Aegon's face, now contorted in sharp pain, "You think you can toy with anyone and get away with it, you entitled bitch?”
“You fucking bi..aaarrrggghhh..” A painful groan from Aegon's throat interrupted his nasal retort. Martyn tried to peel his hand away from his face, to check the aftermath of his nose, while Leon seemed ready to throw hands with Alyna.
Alyna didnt even budge and stood her ground, chest heaving with rage. She was ready to repeat what she just did to his platinum-haired friend.
The girl now held her arm firmly pushing her away, “Alyna, please no,” she begged, whimpering.
“What's going on?” a sharp coldness laced a new voice that came from behind Alyna.
A mocking, sliding whistle sound came from someone in the crowd.
Alyna hissed, recognising that voice and falling off the high of her rage in an instant. Aemond's voice was a splash of ice cold water on her burning, red hot anger.
“She hit Aegon!” Martyn complained, holding Aegon’s head back to stem the nosebleed. Aemond rolled his eyes in exasperation, sighing deeply. It was yet another consequence of his brother’s reckless behavior.
Alyna turned to face him, but struggled to meet his piercing gaze. Tearing through the uncanny, tongue-tying effect Aemond had on her, she spoke in a cold, lethal voice through gritted teeth, “Tell your brother to stay away from my family.”
With a slight twitch in his eyebrow, Aemond understood what his brother did.
Alyna’s blazing, brown eyes now held Aemond's cold, violet gaze, as if waiting for him to respond, when instead Aegon let out a menacing giggle, flashing his blood-stained teeth, “There are two people involved, you know? Break her nose too,” he jerked his chin brazenly, towards Alyna’s cousin.
“You..” Alyna snarled, turning to face Aegon .
“Alyna? Alyna Martell? Principal Mormont has called you in his office,” a dorky, sophomore announced.
Aegon would have received another blow, already, if it were not for that sophomore appearing on the scene.
If it were not for Aemond, who was invisibly tying her hands with his mere presence.
Alyna’s eyes darted to the boy, and then back to Aemond, her jaw stiff, teeth still grinding in rage.
Aemond’s lips curled up in a subtle, condescending smile. He hummed, walking towards his brother to attend to him.
“This is not over Martell,” Aegon yelled from behind, and Aemond tsked, “Aegon, stop it!”
“No! it's not!” Alyna retorted in a chilly voice, without facing him and dragging her cousin along, as she walked away from the Targaryen brothers, barking- “what?” at the boy who was now gawking at her, eyes popping out in astonishment.
-
In the last hour of sunlight , Alyna was sitting on her study table in her dorm room. Immersing herself in her books was the only way she could take her mind off what had happened in the morning. Her eyes couldn't move past the title of the chapter she was reading - “Election of Archons in Old Valyria'' as she struggled to shake off the humiliation she faced in the principal's office that morning.
The sound of the door lock turning snatched whatever little attention she was paying on her book.
“Girl, why do you keep throwing yourself in the trouble pits?” Doreah, her room mate, asked, entering and tossing the keys in the bowl.
“Please don’t start it all over again!” Alyna sighed, noticing a pretty girl with silver dreadlocks, clad in a deep red tracksuit, standing next to Doreah.
“That's Baela, she is in KLU for a week to collect some samples for her botany project; we were in high school together,” Doreah informed, as Baela extended her hand toward Alyna with a grin.
“Heard you broke my cousin’s nose,” Baela grinned, and Alyna's eyes widened a little, shuffling between the two girls.
“He deserves it,” Baela shrugged, “You can hang them upside down from the top of the building for all I care, I'm not particularly fond of them,” she said, plopping down on a bean bag. Alyna's continued staring at her, mind calculating her next words.
“He knocked up my cousin, and then cheated on her,” Alyna told her, her tone taut.
“And you got suspended for a week for breaking his nose, yup,” Balea smacked her lips, checking her phone, “I know.”
An awkward silence settled over them, broken only by the sound of water being poured into a glass. Doreah’s pleasant voice cut through the quiet. “Frankly, I wouldn’t mind having some harmless fun with the Targaryen brothers.”
Alyna scowled, letting out a disgusted grunt.
“What? They’re hot,” Doreah protested, a hint of defensiveness creeping into her voice as she noticed Alyna’s reaction. She smiled sheepishly at Baela, who rolled her eyes and made a gagging gesture.
“Aegon will be game I'm sure, but Aemond isn’t the type who would just have fun,” Baela said, chuckling, eyes still glued on her phone.
There it was.
That unsought, uninvited feeling in her core, that traveled all the way up to her face, warming her beautiful, gold-toned face. A delicate twinge within her, a discord between the emotions she hoped would surface and those she actually felt - whenever Aemond was around her- whether in person, during conversations with people, or sometimes, even in her thoughts.
Sometimes, certain things, experiences, and people that one encounters in life, elicit both aversion and attraction.
Aemond was one such person, to Alyna.
Everything about him was a confounding experience for her.
She hated the way his humming grated on her nerves, yet stirred something within her.
She resented seeing him in her history classes every day. It irked her how he always knew more than her, how he was always so focussed and well versed in his research.
Yet, she couldn’t help admiring him, his profound knowledge, his exceptional discipline accompanied by an awe inspiring personality. A reluctant respect had begun to take root inside her for him. No wonder half the KLU was mad for him.
Alyna cleared her throat, sniffing and shifting in her seat to turn back to her books.
“Would you like some ice cream? We have chocolate,” she attempted to steer the conversation away from the Targaryen brothers.
“I think my lovely roommate has a crush on your broody cousin,” Doreah blurted, checking her nails.
Alyna whipped her head toward her best friend, her scowl deepening. "What?" she snapped, her voice betraying a hint of squeakiness, “No!"
Baela chuckled at Alyna’s reaction, as if she’d just been caught red-handed in a heist. With a smirk, she got up to retrieve the ice cream from the mini fridge in their dorm's common area. Meanwhile, Alyna continued to glare daggers at Doreah, and her best friend only wiggled her eyebrows playfully, unfazed.
“You both will be perfect for each other, you know?” Baela drawled, waving the spoon at the spic and span appearance of Alyna's side of the dorm, a sharp contrast to the disorder that her roommate’s side was in. The neatly arranged history and philosophy books on the bookshelf above her study table, the flawless arrangement of bonsai plants at the window - the source of natural light for her study table, the pristine white bedding - all screamed of her love for organization and order.
“He is just like you, a neat-freak with horrible temper issues.”
“Yeah, I have been tolerating the pain in the ass that he is for a year now,” Alyna scoffed, rolling her eyes, “And No! I don't have temper issues,” she added, frowning and turning back to her books, neglecting the little butterflies flapping their wings in her stomach.
“He wasn't always so broody and a pain in the ass, you know,” Baela said, as Alyna continued to pretend to focus on her books, donning a mask of indifference.
"Years ago, right after my mom passed away, us cousins got into a silly fight. Aemond, being Aemond, started calling my maternal cousins names. Things quickly escalated, and my cousin Luke ended up pushing him. Aemond fell onto a boulder, and his eye took the brunt of the fall. He was never the same after that," Baela revealed, her face shadowed with somber reflection.
Alyna's gaze had shifted from the page of her book to the ground outside the window, where a few rocks lay scattered. She couldn’t help but imagine how hurtful and devastating it must have been for Aemond to lose an eye at such a tender age.
"Okay, Aemond and Aegon are out of the league," Doreah’s chirpy voice broke the somber silence. "What about the third brother?" She added thoughtfully, as if she were weighing a life-altering decision.
"Eww, Dor, he's like fourteen," Baela scowled.
"He’ll grow," Doreah replied with a shrug, inspecting her manicure. Alyna couldn't tell if she was serious or just putting on a show. She exchanged a glance with Baela, both of them wide-eyed in amused disbelief.
Just then, Alyna’s cell phone rang, slicing through the snorts and giggles that filled the dorm room.
“Wait, shhh..stop..it's my dad from Sunspear…”
The ringing of the phone clanged through the quiet of the parking lot, jolting Alyna back to reality. She blinked, returning her focus to the driver's seat, where she had been lost in thought. Moments earlier, she had parked the cab in the owner's garage, ready to hand it back and close that chapter of her life.
The smile tugging at her lips, a remnant of her mind’s recent revisit to her past, transformed into a full grin, when she saw Doreah’s incoming video call, flashing on the screen.
“Think of the devil,” Alyna gave an ear to ear smile to her best friend.
“Good morning to you too, and here I thought I would meet a bridezilla on my phone's screen!”
“Hmmm, let me just,” Alyna pouted playfully, and snapped her fingers, feigning a magical change of appearance, “Did you pick up the bridesmaid dresses yet?”
Doreah laughed. “Yes, ma’am! I’m picking them up today. Then we’ll head to your salon appointments. Just calling to confirm,” she said in a mock-serious tone, adding a quick salute for effect. Alyna couldn’t help but giggle.
“Where are you?” Doreah asked, looking at her watch.
“Garage. Returning the car.”
“Good riddance,” Doreah drawled.
Alyna only responded in a wry smile; she understood her friend could not fathom how important that job was for her. She was leaving a part of her in that cab. Part that made her free.
And her mind, as if in a bid to shield her from dejection, brought forth the memories long forgotten again, prompting a soft chuckle.
“Guess who I ran into on my night shift!” Her smile now reached her eyes as they twinkled.
“Who?”
“Aegon and Aemond Targaryen,” Alyna grinned and Doreah gasped, eyes widening, ocean blue irises threatening to pop out of their sockets.
“Whaaa..! Omg! You know I recently saw them both on the cover of Westeros BizWorld last week. Gosh I practically drooled,” Doreah fanned herself, “Don't tell me, you have had a bachelorette party already, without your girls,” she teased, sniggering with a usual naughty dance of her eyebrows.
“What? Gosh, you are filthy!” Alyna laughed, facepalming with a shaking head at her friend's thirsting.
“Wow you are really getting married , Alyna! A week later you will be Mrs..”
“Yeah yeah, save that speech for the maid of honor toast,” Alyna interjected, “Now get your ass here by 11, or you are fired,” she feigned a serious tone.
“Oooohh bridezilla!”
“You bet your ass I am one! Meet me in 2 hours.”
Alyna disconnected the call, smiling at her phone's screen, and acknowledging the familiar, warm sensation suffusing through her after years.
But as she picked up her backpack from the back seat, the dazzle of the solitaire on her ring finger dimmed the nostalgic smile on her lips.
She consciously commanded the unwelcome stirrings within her to cease.
Her future awaited her and it had no room for the past.
-
“Take him with you,” Alicent requested of Aemond, placing the cup and saucer on the coffee table. She sat with her son in his luxurious living room, concern etched across her face.
“It’s a work trip, mother, I don’t see how it will help Aegon,” Aemond said, pinching the bridge of his nose.
As always, their mother seemed to expect her responsible son to clean up the mess her eldest child had made.
“It will be a change of scenery for him,” she sighed, “With the ongoing dispute after your father’s death and his breakup with Cassandra...” Aemond’s attention shifted from the floor to his mother as her voice wavered.
“Aemond, he’s stopped using our cars. Only Mother above knows where he goes at night or what he does. I’m so scared for him...” She placed a hand on her throat and began to chew her nails.
Seeing his mother on the brink of a panic attack, Aemond decided to give up.
“I’ll see what I can do, but he’ll have to behave,” his tone still carrying a tinge of reluctance. “I’ll be away on tours according to the schedule, so he’ll be on his own for most of the day.”
Alicent nodded. “I’ll convince him. He listens to me, at least in private. When do you leave?”
“A week from today.”
—-
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my-rose-tinted-glasses · 9 months ago
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My memory is terrible so I wanted to do a breakdown of my stuff every once in a while. Might be monthly, might be whenever I feel like it.
BL - Currently Watching
7 Days Before Valentine [11/12] - Unlike some other shows, this one is actually getting better towards the end. I appreciate that Sunshine did some self reflection and became a better human being and I really enjoy the visuals here. Also, 7 days before valentine we will watch the finale, so that's neat.
Cherry Magic Th [7/12]– I like what the thai version is doing with the source material, I think they are being really smart and I'm so happy I got to watch the shopping date and the helicopter ride that were missing from the japanese live action.
Cherry Magic Anime [4/12]– I'm enjoying all the parallels way too much. Part of me wishes that it had stayed closer to the manga but since I get that also from Thailand, I can't complain.
Cooking Crush [9/12]– My expectations weren’t as low as maybe other people because I'm a OffGun fan but I am enjoying this show way more than I thought. It’s so refreshing to see good communication and well rounded characters that are given the space to work stuff out and be honest with each other. I feel for Samsee, cause, been there.
Dead Friend Forever [6/12]– this show continues to surprise me every week. I’m a big horror and slasher fan so for the premise alone I was gonna watch it. But I’m liking the way they chose to structure this story, moving from the slasher bit to the past at that moment was really smart. The visuals are so strong in this and I’m enjoying the communal murdering impulses towards the original friend group.
Ossan's Love Returns [3/12] - It’s chaos but the kind that only Japan can get away with for me. That season opener alone would’ve made me stop watching if it wasn’t for that. But the thing about these characters for me is that they get to be this ridiculous because it’s all grounded in such heart and kindness towards each other. It's a balancing act that only Japan can deliver at this level.
Playboyy [10/14] – I applaud the effort to make something new and out of the bl box, I think the show is trying to talk about interesting things and there are moments where the visuals are very strong. However, the acting is the weakest part of the whole thing and so I cannot connect to the characters, which leaves the whole experience kinda empty for me.
Although I Love You, and You? [3/10]- Japan my beloved. What’s there to say? Sakae is my new favourite boy and I’m really enjoying these two bridging the gap in their personalities.
The Sign [10/12]– Phaya and Tharn are delightful. Yai is the bestest boy ever. But there’s too many loose threads considering we only have 2 episodes left. There’s still to much going on and the investigation part of it just seems too disconnected for me to care. I really hope they're not counting on a special or a second season to wrap this up.
BL - Finished
Last Twilight – No need to repeat myself. here and here
Love for Love's Sake - What a wonderful surprise this was. Yeo Woon is one of the most adorable characters of all time and I seriously cannot handle it. From the beginning there was always a cloud over the whole story and I think in the end it all came together really well, to give us a happy ending that feels earned. Also really appreciated the way the story dealt with the triangle. Most of the time I hate them with a passion so I was really happy that Sang Won didn't just disappear and stayed in the group and kept teasing Yeo Woon. And now I'm just suppose to move on?
Night Dream – I liked the beginning a lot, but, as it’s becoming increasingly frequent, it dipped as it approached the end and although I liked how it finished I wasn’t a fan of the path to get there. Time skip once again not used well.
Sahara Sensei to Toki-kun - I have not seen the finale yet but I didn't want to wait so I might update this post when I watch it. However, Toki is my favourite boy, and I just want him to be happy.
VIP Only – Cute but ultimately forgettable.
Rose Watches OJBL
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So this month I started my journey into older jbl stuff in order to have a bigger understanding of the landscape and what came before. With the help of the amazing @twig-tea I've started this journey with 2 films: Ai no Kotodama (2008) - Such a wonderful way to start this adventure. Really enjoyed this film. Without spoiling it, I understand that the beginning of the film might turn some people off of it but I think it's actually really smart and purposeful. I would definitely recommend it.
No Touching At All (2014) - Also really enjoyed this one. The direction is really interesting I thought. I feel it's all very intentional and it reflects very well the characters state of mind.
And because Cherry Magic opened the anime gates I also watched:
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Given (2019) - This is SO GOOD. This show rewired my brain. Just now I was listening to THE SONG and I got emotional again. Every once in a while I enter this mindset where I feel like nothing that I watch can surprise me anymore. Then I watched this show. My thoughts after watching can be found here.
Not BL - Watched this month
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The Killing Vote Taxi Driver 2 Vigilante Fermat no Ryori
Well, that's it I guess. Now I have to go and make some Love for Love's Sake gifs because I just can't move on and need to live there a little longer. Speaking of gifs, I'm always happy to take gif requests so let me know.
💜💜💜
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writers-potion · 9 months ago
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⏱︎ ⩇⩇:⩇⩇ How to Write Faster! ▶️
Productivity is something that I, as a writer, have not been able to achieve for years. If you are someone who has great plans but is always defeated by your own lazy brain, let's try:
01. Writing Sprints (+pomodoro writing)
Make use of 10/15/20 minute writing sprints with a word count goal. It doesn't matter if what you write is not entirely coherent! You'll have the time to fix it in between sessions and later when you edit.
If you aren't a fan of timers going off every ten minutes, try 25-5/ 45-15/50-10 pomodoro sessions.
02. Use Music
Slap your headphones on with your favourite music.
Or even better, create a playlist that represents your story's vibe and keep it on replay.
03. Take Notes + Create an Outline
Gather notes and ideas about what you want to write beforehand to wrap your mind around the content.
Create a detailed outline of your chapter. If you need external reference, open those links before your start to avoid digging for resources in the middle of your writing session.
03. Set Specific Deadlines
Set deadlines with regular intervals. For me, I try to keep up a regular posting schedule on Wattpad so that I don't disappoint my audience (albeit small, very small)
Rather than just saying, "I'll really finish my book this year," have a breakdown of mini-goals that'll take you to the stars, step by step.
04. Enroll in a writing class/critique group
It's hard to keep yourself accountable, so this is a great way to get some external motivation.
If you need to show your writing to others, you are more likely to work harder to achieve a level of quantity and quality! They are a great source of learning nd feedback, too.
05. Remove distractions
The environment in which you write is important. Get your annoying housework done, make coffee, get the snacks you know you're going to start craving.
Keep your butt stuck to your chair as you write. If you're someone who likes the quiet, get some noise cancelling.
06. No Editing!
This is a popular one! Don't stop after every two sentences to see if your story is flowing the right way.
Save your edits for your future self.
07. Find your best time
Try to write as regularly as possible. Experiment with different times (morning? lunchtime? after dinner? before you go to bed? 3AM? - okay maybe not this one) to see which window offers the best level of concentration.
Also, look for the best place to write.
08. Play typing games (+ignore typos)
If you feel that your fingers are physically failing you, try improving the accuracy and speed of your fingers by practicising your typing games. Especially if you are someone who write in more than two langauges, improve the speed for the language you mightn't be as strong at.
Also, ignore spellchecks when you are pushing out the first draft. You can always come back to them later.
If you like my blog, buy me a coffee☕ and find me on instagram! 📸
🖱️References
https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-faster
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these-written-reveries · 1 year ago
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might be too angsty but can you write a ledger!joker x reader with a reader who self harms? either catching them in the middle of the act or seeing the scars they were trying to keep hidden?
Hello! First of all, thank you for your request! I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to write this at first, particularly because it's such a sensitive subject. The last thing I'd ever want is to upset or cause emotional harm to those who may be struggling with this themselves. That said, I want my writings to be a source of good and bring solace to those that are in need of it, so I decided to try my best and write it anyway.
I chose to keep things vague and without too much detail to help minimize the triggering aspects of this subject. Please use your own discretion when choosing whether to proceed with reading and let me know if there is anything wrong with this piece that I should fix. I hope this fulfills your wishes, nonnie. Sending all my love to you and anyone else who may be struggling with this. I strongly encourage you to seek the help/support that you deserve ❤️
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-Try-
‣ Pairing: Ledger!Joker/Jack Napier x GN!Reader
‣ Summary: J finally comes face-to-face with the pain you've been carrying alone all this time and tries to help you bear the weight of it.
‣ Genre: angst, hurt/comfort
‣ Warnings: self-harm (no details mentioned of the act/object used), blood (minor references), scars/fresh wounds (no details), panic, breakdown/crying.
‣ Word Count: 2,226
‣ Have an idea for a fic you’d like me to write? Send a request here. But first, make sure to read my Request Info!
L!Joker/Jack Napier Masterlist
Main Masterlist
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It was just past midnight when J unlocked your apartment door and slipped inside. He was dressed in a casual outfit consisting of a black hoodie and jeans, the hood pulled up over his head and a surgical mask covering the lower half of his face. After locking the door behind him, he dropped the hood and pulled the mask off, shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie as he walked further into your apartment.
“Where’s my little dove?” he called out, announcing his presence so as not to frighten you.
It was becoming more of a frequent habit for Jack to come over to your place, especially to sleep. He’d usually let you know when he’d be coming through call or text, but today he hadn’t the time. In fact, he wasn’t planning on coming over at all today. But after the nonsense he’d been dealing with recently regarding work, he wanted nothing more than to pay a visit to his love to set his frazzled mind back in order. At this point, you were pretty used to him showing up at odd hours of the night to visit you, so he figured it wouldn’t be a problem if he stopped by tonight. You were always complaining about not seeing him enough anyway.
While your romantic relationship was still somewhat new, you’d known each other for quite a while by now. He’d spent months trying to woo you, which proved to be a bigger challenge than he had initially expected. Jack knew he wasn’t the most desirable man in the world, but he could tell that wasn’t the only thing holding you back from accepting his affections right away. There was more to you than met the eye, and he was determined to know all the complexities of you.
Jack had no problem taking his time with you. You seemed to appreciate this, so he allowed you to set the pace of your relationship. You hadn’t expected Jack to be so patient with you, yet he was, exceedingly so. He didn’t pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, and he didn’t judge you for your “odd” tendencies. As J saw it, he was more than a bit odd himself, so who was he to judge? In taking your time to build your relationship together, he’d learned a lot about the little intricacies of who you were, but there was a hidden part of you he had yet to become acquainted with. A mystery he could never seem to solve, until today.
Knocking lightly on your bedroom door, he found it to be unlocked and quietly turned the handle. You hadn’t responded to his previous call, so he figured you were asleep. His assumptions were found to be correct when he spotted you curled up on your bed wearing one of his long-sleeved button-down shirts and a pair of underwear. He took a moment to appreciate the sight of you before walking over to the other side of the bed. There you lied, facing the empty spot where he normally slept, the lamp you left on providing the perfect amount of light for him to admire your beautiful features. Though, the smile that began to tug at his lips upon seeing your face quickly faded as he noticed the puffiness of your eyes and tear stains on the pillow you were lying on.
Letting out a quiet sigh, he removed his shoes and hoodie and left them on the floor beside the bed before carefully climbing onto the mattress. Successfully managing to lie down beside you without waking you, he silently observed your face. Seeing you upset or hurt elicited the worst feelings in him. The emotion that manifested most frequently in him was anger. But the feelings he felt in moments like these were much more complex than that; so complex he couldn’t fully make sense of them. All he knew was that it made his chest ache and his stomach twist in a way that made him feel sick.
Deciding to take the risk of waking you, he gently brushed his knuckles against your cheek, his painted lips curling up into a fond smile as you subconsciously nuzzled against his fingers before going still once more. He continued, moving his hand down to trail his fingertips over your shoulder all the way to your fingertips. He glanced down at your other arm, that which lied between the two of you with your hand tucked under the pillow that supported your head. His fingers traveled to this arm, about to continue their journey when they suddenly froze in place at the familiar sight of crimson. Upon second glance, Jack immediately recognized this to be exactly what he thought it was. At first, he considered it to be an old stain—it was his shirt, after all, but it was too fresh for that to be the case.
Alarms began going off in his head as he went through all the possible scenarios of how you could have been hurt. It wasn’t uncommon to experience physical attacks in the dangerous city of Gotham—even more likely if anyone were to find out about your relationship with the infamous Joker. This is why J taught you how to physically protect yourself and gave you self-defense weapons to keep with you in case anything were to happen. He was also very careful when it came to keeping your relationship hidden from the rest of the world. Along with these things, he took a handful of other measures to keep you safe, making sure to cover all the bases. His biggest fear was you getting hurt, or worse, and him being unable to stop it. He’d do anything to shield you from any potential threats or harm that could ever come your way.
Yet, he’d never once considered self-inflicted harm to be such a substantial threat to his lover…
As he carefully pulled back the red-stained sleeve, his heart sank. He remained still as he stared at the scars and fresh wounds that covered your skin. At this point, you had awoken and immediately felt an impending sense of doom begin to fill your being at the sight of Jack looking directly at what you had tried to keep hidden from him for so long. You yanked your arm away and quickly sat up, pulling the sleeves back over your arms and hiding the rest of your body with the covers. Tears filled your eyes and panic manifested within your chest as an inability to breathe, the racing thoughts in your mind causing you to spiral even faster.
“I’m sorry,” your voice cracked as you uttered the words at barely above a whisper. You were trembling now, squeezing your eyes closed as your mind fed you every worst-case scenario in the book.
Silence.
Oh, how you hated to hear it.
It only provided your mind with more room to insert its own terrible thoughts and ideas about what J was thinking of you.
Unable to open your eyes, yet unable to stand the silence any longer, you spoke again. “Please…say something. If you’re mad or whatever, just say-”
“No.” His sudden interruption startled you, but you were still relieved to hear something come out of his mouth.
“Look at me,” he spoke firmly, but there was something else to the tone of his voice that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You were too afraid to open your eyes for fear that you'd see nothing but disgust and disappointment staring right back at you.
You felt the mattress shift beneath you as J moved closer to you. A tear fell from your eyes that was swiped away by the pad of his thumb before your chin was gently grasped between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your head up slightly. This time, you bravely opened your eyes to look at your love before you. Instantly, you were met with a strange look in his eyes. Different than any look he’d ever given you before. One filled with so much love, yet carried with it a lingering sadness. This look alone pierced your heart and made it even harder not to crumble to bits into his lap.
“I’m not mad at you. Ya got that?”
The truth is, he was mad at himself. Particularly for not recognizing sooner. He was so observant when it came to you and yet he had completely missed this. It made his stomach turn to think that you had been struggling alone this whole time, unbeknownst to him.
Now everything made sense. All the “odd” tendencies you exhibited on a frequent basis. The way you avoided certain intimate interactions with him. He always thought you just didn't like to be touched that much, so he used his touch sparingly with you and only in ways he knew you were comfortable with. The way you remained so covered up, even when it was blazing hot. In his mind, he assumed you were just insecure about your body and after bringing it up once and seeing you shut down in response, he chose not to press on the subject again until you were ready to talk about it. So many things he could now link directly back to this. How stupid he felt for not being able to piece it together sooner. He could’ve been there for you this whole time and he wasn’t.
But as he looked at you now, your lip quivering as you nodded in response to him, he realized that what really mattered was being there for you now.
“Alright. C’mere.” He held his arms out and you blinked at him, unmoving.
"Do ya want a hug or not? Hm?"
Upon hearing this, you wasted no further time diving into his embrace. He pulled you close, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wound securely around your waist. You finally burst into tears and clung to him tightly, making his attempt to move the two of you into a better position much more of a struggle, but he managed.
"Hush-ush-ush, it's okay, doll. I got ya,” he cooed softly at you.
He was ever so careful now with where his fingers touched you, choosing to keep them stationed at your back where they gently ran up and down your spine. This soothing touch paired with the sound of him shushing you softly between pressing kisses to your head was enough to calm you down much faster than you normally would have on your own. Now your sobs had dwindled down to mere sniffles and your tears were slowing their pace.
Recognizing this, Jack finally decided to speak again.
"Ya know, I'm always here for you, doll. You might think this changes how I feel about you, but it doesn't. Not one bit."
He could feel your body shake with quiet sobs in response to his words, his shirt being further soaked with your salty tears. He squeezed you a bit tighter.
"Will you let me help you? I'm not sayin' I have all the answers or that it'll be easy, ‘cause it won't. But we're in this together now, toots. I'll do whatever it takes to get ya through this. I mean it."
You were silent for a moment before you looked up at him and hesitantly nodded. The vulnerable look on your face was enough to break what was left of your clown’s heart as his eyes begin to sting slightly. He clenched his jaw to hold back his tears and pressed his lips to your forehead before pulling you closer against him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued to speak.
"We'll figure it out together, hm? Ya got me now. So you better come to me when you're feeling like doing it again. Doesn’t matter what I'm doing. Ya know I’ll drop everything for you."
"It's…hard for me to do that in the moment,” you confessed quietly. J nodded in understanding and gave you another small squeeze of reassurance.
"Try your best, doll. That's all I'm askin’. I don't expect ya not to slip up from time to time. I'll still be here when you do. But ya gotta help me help you. Alright?"
"Mhm…” You nodded in agreement.
"That's my doll." He kissed the top of your head, leaving traces of face paint in your hair. "I love you, and all that sappy shit,” he muttered.
You let out a small breathy laugh and pressed a kiss to his chest before squeezing him tighter. "I love you, J. Thank you."
J scoffed, but a tiny smile tugged at his lips all the same. "Yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't need your thanks. I just need ya to be strong for me. Think you can do that?"
"I'll try my best.”
"Good. You do that and I'll take care of the rest. I got your back, toots.” He kissed your head and squeezed you again for good measure, his fingers traveling from your back, up to your cheek, grazing over your tear-stained skin. He stared at you affectionately as you nuzzled against his touch.
Looking up at him once more, you offered him the best smile you could muster in the moment. It was weak, but you were trying. And that was enough.
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‣ If you enjoyed this fic, please like, comment, and/or reblog! Doing so not only keeps my blog alive, but also lets me know what you like and how to improve!
‣ If you’d like to join the taglist for L!Joker/Jack Napier, or be tagged in all of my future writings, let me know by sending me an ask/message!
‣ Taglist: @jslittlebirdie
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glade-constellation · 9 months ago
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I had a feeling an episode like this was going to happen. I also had a feeling that no one was going to help Eclipse.
There so much I want to say about Eclipse right now. He’s losing himself, both to whoever is controlling him and to his own paranoia. He’s desperate at this point, and not just to find out who brought him back.
As he said before he died, he is tired.
You can hear it in his voice, in the way he says things. You can see it in the way he’s acting. Eclipse is teetering on the edge of being suicidal, and probably would have done so had he not realized he probably wouldn’t stay dead.
Eclipse : “I shouldn’t be alive.“
Moon : “Uh huh. So how ‘bout we get this over with. You tell us where you are, we come kill you, job done.”
Eclipse : “No no no. You see, I thought about that a little. But I imagine if I just came back through thin air, I’d probably just come back again, wouldn’t I?”
Just look at the way he worded that last part. He’s already thought over that exact scenario. And it wasn’t just a casual “I know they would try to kill me”. He thought it over multiple times, he mulled over it. Eclipse points out the fact that he wouldn’t stay dead. It’s not a taunt like you would expect from him, he’s stating it as a fact. He already contemplated his death. He knew he would have died, but realized it probably wouldn’t last.
It sounds more like he would have counted on them doing so if he showed up, but knew he would just come right back.
He doesn’t want to be back. He currently is loathing his existence. He won’t admit it yet, he still has some pride left in him, but it’s pretty apparent. He keeps questioning why he’s back and who would even want to bring him back. More than likely, he wants to know these things so he can make it stop. Find the source, cut it off, then he can rest.
We’re so close to seeing him have his breakdown moment. I’m hoping that he goes to the others for help as well. It would be interesting to see their reaction, especially when learning they all have been contacted by Eclipse for help. Maybe then they’ll realize something is wrong. I’m partially hoping he finally breaks when he goes to Lunar and Earth, as a last resort, and Lunar vehemently denies him help. Earth has her problems with Eclipse, but is probably the only one who would be willing to help.
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gamebird · 1 month ago
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TMBD Ship Manifest: Actual Shipping Numbers
In July 2022, some folks were discussing what was being shipped and not being shipped, so I looked at the AO3 numbers, made some notes, and made some posts. In July of 2023, I repeated that with a bit more detail. I had intended to do the same in July of this year, but many things conspired against that in my life. Here I am doing it now. The passage of extra months skews the data a bit, but the numbers are (to me) still interesting to look at. I am a huge fan of actual data rather than 'what I've seen lately' or 'what has provoked the most conversation'. Here's when I did it last year: https://www.tumblr.com/gamebird/723952750824734720/the-ship-manifest-actual-murderbot-shipping?source=share
This time around, I put the information in a spreadsheet so hopefully I can be more consistent in future and maybe draw better year-to-year comparisons. Past data collection methods and various unwritten assumptions affect the information. Year-to-year isn't perfectly comparable.
The big, top-line numbers for 9/26/24 are that 67% of fics have at least one ship tagged (54% & + 13% slash = 67% of total fics). Another way of looking at it is that 87% of the TMBD fics are non-slash, 13% slash.
There are currently 666 MBART fics (combining slash and &) which is 35% of ship-fics, 285 MBG (combining slash and &) which is 15% of ship-fics, and 266 Mensahbot fics (still combining) which is 14% of ship-fics. The other 36% of ship-fics is divided.
We continue to be a predominantly English fandom for AO3 works (98%) and to have what to me seems like a high number of podfics (yay!) at 292 - more than 10% of the works out there.
74% of the stories are marked Gen. Only 4% are rated explicit. I did a ship breakdown for 'Explicit' but the dataset is small enough that it doesn't mean much aside from MBART is 36% of the explicit fics, 'no pair listed' and MBG are each 14%. The percent of Explicit fic that was rape/non-con has dropped sharply (from 42% in 2023 to 28% now), especially given that all the old fic are still there.
In the spreadsheet I had a column for & or slash so I could filter to one or the other and try to decide what to do with it. Looking at only the slash fics (as I have in previous years), there are 361 of them on 9/26/24: 31% are MBG, 27% MBART, 14% Arada/Overse, 4% Mensahbot, and they trail off from there, 24% of the total split between 9 ships and one 'other' category ('Other', which is 6% of that 24%, are tagged slash fics from other fandoms).
We have 76 f/f fics vs 48 m/m ones. And there's no easy way to count non-binary, third-gender, other-gender, agender, or trans fics, but I know there are a lot of them. 'Other' in the gender-type category is a solid 517 (18%) of fics, with Multi being 47 fics (2%), just one fic off what there is for m/m. So that's a big difference from the fandoms I've been involved with in the past.
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smolthealmighty · 2 months ago
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Spinaraki Week 4 Day 5: Cutscene
Counting Scales Instead of Stars
Memories flash and recollections crash as Deku and Shigaraki fight, their experiences unwittingly shared as extensions of One for All's vestige world. One memory in particular brings the conflict to a halt.
“Sometimes when I’m trying to calm down, I’ll count your scales,” Tomura Shigaraki blurted.
“You do?” asked Spinner.
“Yeah,” Tomura Shigaraki replied.
Well, the Tomura Shigaraki in this memory he meant, not the actual one who was watching the scene too. Izuku was still trying to wrap his head around the dual memory-sharing shenanigans that had taken over this battle, but unlike many of the other scenes from Shigaraki’s life, this memory seemed to truly put the fight on hold.
“I’m the kind of guy who tends to get stuck on what makes me upset,” Memory Shigaraki explained to Spinner, “The second something goes wrong or I have to deal with some rage-inducing bullshit, I can’t stop thinking about it even after it’s over and done with. I’d bet good money on it starting with Master’s insistence that I hold all my negative emotions and experiences close to my heart.”
“The fuck kind of advice it that?” Memory Spinner remarked, and Izuku had to agree with him on that point. If that’s how Shigaraki was raised, then it was no wonder he became a walking “ball of hate”, and Izuku feared about what else All For One filled his head with.
“Kept me alive and kicking out of pure spite when I was younger at least,” Memory Shigaraki placated, as if that made it any better, “But yeah, not as useful when trying to manage other people just as messed up as I am.”
“I know the league is weird, but hey!” Memory Spinner reacted, pretending to be more offended than he actually was.
Memory Shigaraki let Spinner have his fun before he got back to the topic at hand, and Izuku couldn’t help but notice the difference between the maniacal smile Shigaraki always wore in battle and the small yet warm one on his face in this memory.
“Kurogiri used to encourage me to count floorboards or snack wrappers when I’d get in a really bad mood, called it ‘grounding’ or something. And I guess at some point after leaving the old bar I found myself counting your scales instead.”
“Well, does it help?” Spinner probed.
“I’d say so,” Memory Shigaraki gladly answered. “The number of floorboards and trash was finite, but I haven’t been able to finish counting your scales. The fact that their iridescence can be easily distracting when they reflect whatever light source is around helps too, makes me lose count ‘cause I get sidetracked while committing the sight to memory.”
Memory Spinner blushed at that but didn’t turn away, leaving Izuku to question if it meant Shigaraki eliciting that kind of response from Spinner was a regular occurrence.
“… Is my body really that nice to look at?”
“I think you’re a nice sight in general. So, I guess what I mean to say is that I could look at you forever.”
Well shoot, now Izuku was blushing in second-hand embarrassment.
“Thanks,” Spinner beamed, “You’re nice to look at too.”
“Objectively wrong but okay.”
Izuku watched the two lean into each other as they burst into laughter, the joyful sounds slowly fading away along with the scene.
“I was still trying to count all of them you know,” Tomura broke the silence. The hero turned to look at him, the real Tomura, taking in the fond expression on his face... only to watch in alarm as it changed into one of remorse. It was all he could do to not breakdown with Tomura as a cascade of all the tears he’d never cried dripped down his face.
“I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t regret much, but fuck… I really wish I found the time to find out the total. I wasn’t finished counting them. I wasn’t finished.”
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you-know-honey · 10 months ago
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A Pɑct With The Rɑin
Rain x f!reader
Sumary: Demons don't know love, so what would our nervous, timid ghoul do when feeling such a strong emotion?
Word Count: 9914
Note: bad english, I try to describe as best I can a nervous breakdown based on my own experience but since I always forget those moments I will do my best.
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Rain moved the fork back over the plate, causing an awkward sound that was ignored by everyone else at the table. It was strange for him not to have even touched the portion of paella that was on his plate, he was just carrying the grains of rice back and forth and at this point she was sure that it was completely cold. She sighed and she took a long sip of water.
She was hungry but found herself unable to take a bite of any food, even if she was his favorite, which happened to be paella.
No one had asked him if there was something wrong with him, anyway he wasn't sure he could give an answer to that question.
"I'm leaving," she gave up and extended the plate toward the center of the table.
That was the first time everyone turned to see him. It already seemed strange to them that if he hadn't finished all the paella portions by himself, leaving food on the plate would be much more strange.
"What are you taking about?" Sodo replied, bringing the plate back to Rain, he still had half of his food on his plate. "Don't be stupid, you must take care of your vessel"
Rain looked at his plate for a few seconds before looking back at Sodo. He was right, he had been avoiding touching food for days, perhaps the lack of food caught his attention more than his strange state but it didn't seem to work.
"It cold" he answered simply. He wasn't in the mood to talk more than necessary.
"So? Don't expect me to heat it up? Go to the microwave."
Rain sighed, lifting his shoulders and letting them fall heavily. He took the plate from him and walked to the microwave.
The device was next to the bar where the brothers who had arrived late were putting food on their trays.
They all ate together, ghouls, sisters and brothers of sin. Scrambled in a huge dining room with long wooden tables, the windows were so high up that the sunlight didn't shine where it should. But Cumulus had made some strange contraption with mirrors and now it practically illuminated the entire place.
That reminded Rain of how weird it was to eat all together but basically ignore each other after walking through the door. The ghouls were of the same rank as the other inhabitants of the abbey, except clearly the Popes or Sister Imperator. They never ate with others, Rain remembered a meeting room in the papal pavilion that they rarely used for dinner. Although they always ended badly.
He rested one of his hands on the wall behind the microwave and put the plate inside, taking a few seconds to decide the perfect temperature, hoping that it wouldn't be dry or cold inside, in the best case scenario that it wouldn't explode.
"Rain?"
Oh no….
He recognized that voice. His tail tensed and a shiver ran through his body slowly. He moved his hand away from the wall as if it were burning him and desperately searched around him, among the sea, for the brothers and sisters of sin at the source of that voice.
He met her in line, waving with her free hand. And it all started.
His hands began to sweat uncontrollably, his feet demanded that he run but his legs felt weak at any moment, his stomach felt empty but filled with a strange fluttering, cold currents ran through him one after another, his heart seemed to stop and then run wild, his breath held in his mouth….
Her mind felt overwhelmed and she took advantage of the moment when you turned to choose what kind of soda to drink to run away.
She abandoned her plate of paella and crossed the doors with a skill she didn't know she had, almost carrying a sister of sin between her feet.
She ran as far as she could until she reached the library where he hid behind one of the bookshelves, holding her chest until her breathing began to calm down. A look of frustration appeared on her face as she slid to the floor and wrapped her cloak around herself to avoid the sunlight, although with the lack of cleaning of the windows it wasn't very necessary.
The library in the west wing was abandoned, he didn't even know it existed until he saw it from the bell tower. At that time he didn't know it was a library because of the amount of dirt on the windows. It was filled inside with enormous stone gargoyles that hung from the walls, yellowish bones and non-human or animal made up the chandeliers that had stopped having candles for years, the books inside that library were large and heavy, capable of disappearing if he sneezed. He didn't like making noise, he had taken it as his little secret place. Because of the strange air currents and the cold that seeped through the walls even if it was midsummer.
He decided to use it as a secret place the first night he began to feel the terrible symptoms of his mysterious illness.
He started spontaneously.
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You rolled up the sleeves of your habit to continue taking clothes out of the dryer in a hurry, the afternoon sun was the most efficient, although for you it didn't last long enough. You didn't like the assigned task at all, it was humiliating.
It wasn't the clothes. You were bothered by the reason why you ended up washing dirty habits. During a Black Mass some idiot had slid his finger from your spine to your butt when you stood up to recite a song with the rest of your sisters. You reacted before thinking and let your fist hit the guy's face accompanied by the insult 'Stronzo' that came out of your mouth in Italian, to which everyone turned around amazed to hear those words from your mouth.
The guy got cold feet when he felt all the eyes on you and honestly so did you. In the end the only idiot there was you.
Sister Superior scolded you horribly when everything was over and as punishment you had to wash the clothes of the brothers who had been offended by your words, especially the cretin who touched your butt. You swore intermittently like an impressive faith but you didn't believe they would listen to your prayers.
Those guys seemed to take advantage of the opportunity and dirty as many clothes as possible to order you veritable mountains of bedding with suspicious stains, rock-hard stockings, and tunics with wine on them.
"Idiots," you muttered as you grabbed the last basket of linens and walked towards the hidden part of the garden that was lined with clotheslines.
You began to place one neatly white sheet after another, securing them to the rope. At least when they were all dry everything would be over for you and you would surely find a way to get back at them.
You sighed in relief before feeling a cold gust of wind that made the habit in your head fall behind your heels. I tear the sheets and other clothes violently. Ruffling your hair with malice.
You knew that kind of gale, and you just closed your eyes hoping it was a joke.
But it became clear not when thin drops of rain fell on the bridge of your nose. You looked at the sky and huge gray clouds began to gather excitedly over the sky. A thunderclap accompanied by more wind warned of the arrival of heavy rain.
"God you're a fucking son of a bitch." You smiled and felt the curtain of rain fall on you, on your hair and on your work.
You admitted it, it seemed as if God had punished your dirty mouth, sending you even more rain of drops as thick as pennies.
You ran from one place to another trying to grab as much clothing as possible, clutching it to your chest to prevent it from getting more wet, which didn't really matter because you yourself were starting to get soaked, your hair was sticking to your face, disturbing your vision.
You didn't give up even in your clothes that were clearly soaked. Your tears of frustration were confused with the raindrops that were sliding down your face.
Then everything stopped, you could still hear the patter of the rain falling but suddenly you no longer felt it and the aroma of wet earth and mud filled your nose.
"Are you OK?" You heard a sweet, soft male voice in the periphery.
At the entrance to the secret part of the garden there was a ghoul. Your breath held in your chest, normally you didn't interact with them, the other sisters said it wasn't convenient. But there he was, asking about your condition in an elegantly concerned tone.
He maintained a straight posture despite having his uniform soaked, one of his hands was extended to the sky and it seemed that perhaps that was what stopped the rain, you looked over your head and saw the drops of water breaking against an invisible ceiling. In the other hand he had a small bouquet of lilies of the valley, lavender and some mint leaves, the smell of those flowers and the earth under your feet helped you relax before answering.
You pushed away a wet strand of hair that was beginning to try to get into your mouth. "Did you do that?" You asked, curious rather than afraid of the demonstration of skill.
"Yes," he answered dryly, trying to formulate more than that word "it seemed like you had problems."
"Yes," you replied, "thank you for that." You smiled unconsciously.
He lowered his hand and approached you, his step was elegant, he walked with grace. He took the sheet in front of you and draped it over his arm.
"What are you doing?" The question was accompanied by a look of absolute surprise.
"Eh?" He seemed bewildered by your question "I'm trying to help, I thought… maybe you needed help" he excused himself, as he did so you could see his small fangs protruding from between his lips.
You couldn't help but examine him curiously, you had never been even remotely close to a ghoul.
“Thank you,” you whispered as you pulled back another bedsheet.
He was cute, you couldn't deny that, he wore his uniform immaculately despite dripping water. He had a beard that was just forming and his wavy hair fell short on his shoulders completely dry. You admired on his head some small black horns speckled with some blue dots that became accentuated when they reached the tips and seemed to shine and although it was something you had never seen before, what surprised you most was seeing his tail swinging behind.
"Excuse me…are you…" You heard him and realized that you were looking at him without any shame. He seemed a little embarrassed and his pointed ears were dyed a light blue blush.
"I'm sorry," you apologized and began to continue removing the sheets and clothes.
The silence wasn't awkward but it wasn't something you'd like either. You turned to go back to the laundry room but you collided with someone's chest and a mint smell invaded your nose.
"I'm sorry, I wanted to help you-"
You tried not to hold on to him and stand on your own but your feet slipped and you knew you would end up on the ground. You had no choice but to hold on to the vest. They both fell to the ground with the sound of a gasp coming from both of their throats. You felt his hands wrap around your waist as if he was also trying to catch you when you fell.
You started to laugh when you saw how the clothes in your hands were covered in mud when they fell. The ghoul next to you looked at you completely strange before laughing with you and after a few minutes you were both trying to catch your breath lying on the ground.
"What is your name?" You asked, turning around and throwing the sheets somewhere.
You would then take care of washing those missing pieces again and if not, you could buy others. The demon seemed surprised by your question, even with both of you on the ground.
"Rain" he responded and a light blue blush rose to his cheeks and ended in a cute smile.
You smiled, it was a sweet name and quite fitting for the situation. A giggle escaped your lips and Rain's smile trembled.
"It is funny?" I ask you.
"Not at all. It's a nice name Rain. Very fitting for this I would say" you pointed to the rain on both of you that still didn't touch you.
"What is your name?" He asked back and you couldn't deny that the blush on your ears was cute as hell.
"Y/N" you answered simply, there was nothing special about your name like there was about Rain's.
"I like it, it's cute" he responded with a full fanged smile.
"Thank you" you leaned back on your elbows, you could feel the water draining from your neck to your waist and I couldn't even imagine how horrible your hair must look, wet, tangled and full of mud. "Satan…what a shame…" you murmured.
You usually didn't get along with strangers. Meeting new siblings always represented a risk for you but with the water demon by your side none of that happened, you were comfortable and it was not at all like the sisters had described it to you.
"You know…" he turned to look at you, leaning back on his elbows as well, he didn't seem to care that his spotless suit was now stained with mud and weeds everywhere. "You're not at all like the other sisters describe you."
"They describe us?" He looked surprised and his tail rested on her thigh.
"Yes. They say they are flirtatious, even more so than Terzo or that they have a horrible temper and-"
Rain started to laugh, at first he tried to hide it but finally he burst into laughter.
"Who told you that?" she asked as he recovered from his fit of laughter. "It's half true"
"Half?" You felt a little silly saying it, but curiosity was your great quality.
He settled better on the floor, sitting with his legs crossed and you did the same without really knowing why, although you could notice how long his legs were and how his hands were fine and thin.
"Swiss is the one who flirts" he laughed again and looked behind him as if he hoped no one was after him "Sodo is the one with the horrible temper…between you and me" he got close enough to whisper in your ear, telling you a secret "We call him gremlin" his laugh resonated in your ear canal and it seemed even softer and sweeter.
They laughed together, they chatted for so long that the moon welcomed them and only then did you realize how late it was and how the cold was beginning to penetrate your bones thanks to your wet clothes. You didn't want to stop talking to him, he was interesting and everything that came out of his mouth never stopped surprising you.
You learned more that night about demons than in all your demonology classes. Although you only learned more about a certain water demon.
You discovered his love for lakes in the summer, he didn't like public pools because of their dirt and since there wasn't one in the ministry, he would drive hours to get to a lake on the outskirts of the city.
His collection of river stones and seashells, he even showed you some photos on his cell phone.
His love for books (if it's about sea adventures, even better)
And he destroyed the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster, assuring you that there was nothing and that humans were very imaginative.
His love for lilies of the valley and as always he asked Mountain to grow some.
He showed you photos of the shark-shaped lights that he had and that he only needed one to finish his collection, in addition to the stuffed animals. Sliding the screen to show them to you but a group photo from a sleepover was posted, he was asleep and a boy with vitiligo was putting makeup on him in an exaggerated way.
You laughed when you saw that photo and he passed it on as fast as he could.
"Sorry, I didn't know that was there." Rain moved some things around on her phone, maybe changing the folder photo.
"You can tell they're having a good time," you responded, trying to contain your laughter because your stomach was starting to hurt.
You never stopped listening to him, your eyes looked at him in amazement like those of a deer dazzled by a car.
Then you felt that strange sensation in your lungs, the itch in your nose and finally the result, a loud sneeze.
"Are you OK?" He asked, it didn't bother him that you had basically sneezed on him. His tail moved cautiously through the wet grass and approached your skin, feeling it cold. "Satan…you're going to catch a cold in those soaked clothes"
Rain stood up, Ilgiving you his hand to lift you off the ground.
"It's nothing, it's just cold" you tried to say but your nose was already stuffed up.
"It's a cold"
"And what about all this?" You pointed out the majority of dry sheets that you managed to get out in time and the poor ones that were left on the floor with you.
Rain didn't know what else to say, because of how your skin had felt, it was already too late to avoid the cold and if it hadn't been for the fact that he had started a very pleasant chat with you, you would have finished your work several hours ago.
"I'll help you. It's the least I can do after entertaining you for so long."
You really appreciated the help. And getting to work together they began the work, Rain elegantly folded the sheets, much better than you could have done, you did the least laborious part and picked up the sheets that were still hanging on the clothesline. He didn't speak during the task, something you were a little grateful for, since you didn't see yourself able to complete the task if he opened his mouth. They simply sent each other smiles every time their gazes connected.
You didn't want him to notice that you were dying of cold, your legs felt numb and you had to hold back some sneezes. Although without knowing it he already felt all this, he was deeply saddened and when he finished folding the sheets he walked towards you, he couldn't let you freeze from the cold in those dirty and soaked clothes.
You struggled a little with the sheet that finally split and fell into your arms. When you looked up, his chest was the first thing you saw. "Damn!" You gasped exhilarated and fortunately that time you didn't slip. "How are you so silent? You're going to scare me to death." You placed a hand on your chest, trying to relax your heart.
Rain let out a soft laugh. Music for your ears.
"Of course I don't want to kill you. You're soaked, I'm going to help you."
Before your amazed eyes he opened the palm of his hand and some raindrops began to fall on your palm, forming a puddle. It was as if he had opened a small window in the strange, invisible 'roof' that he had placed over the garden. The water fell and the puddle formed an even larger sphere of water.
"It's magic…" you were unable to get out of your admiration for everything that was happening.
"Something like that" the path behind you, now you could hear his footsteps on the wet earth.
The small window closed and you felt a cold hand slide over your shoulder.
"What are you doing?" you asked surprised, trying not to give in to the urge to turn around.
"I will clean the mud"
His words were simple, he didn't say more than what was necessary even if that left you with more doubts in your head. So you let him do whatever he planned.
You felt your hair move, some grass blades fell to the ground next to you. You were as still as a statue. The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you felt the water seeping through your locks, you felt it move, dance in your hair, clean every bit of mud that remained and extract all the water until it was completely dry.
Rain sighed.
You couldn't avoid it anymore. You turned. He was startled, between them there was a sphere of water dirty with mud. Your hand went to your hair, it was dry, silky and shiny.
"You-? How did-?" You couldn't complete any sentence. Your hair was as beautiful as if you had paid for a luxury hair treatment.
"Will you let me finish?" He smiled. That silly smile that didn't come out of his mouth.
"Uh-huh…" you turned around again, keeping more questions in your head.
You couldn't feel it but you knew that something was happening and you just had to look down to see the sphere moving all over your clothes and leaving them clean and dry in its wake, the water rotated on itself, you were more than amazed watching it rise through your habit. .
A squeal left your mouth as the sphere slid down your back.
"Very cold?" Rain asked.
You nodded.
The water became warm and continued its journey through the habit, the sensation was strange. You felt the water pass through your entire body, making your skin crawl completely. You stayed calm as much as you could because you didn't want to burden him with questions so you just let the magic continue.
The sphere of water moved until it was in front of you, the water was dirty but somehow not stirred. The mud was at the bottom and reminded you of a snow globe.
A body behind you advanced until it was close and rested its chin on your shoulder.
"Yes, you can touch it."
You gently moved your index finger towards the sphere, it felt normal, but there was something that made you know that there was more to it than water and mud.
The sphere fell to the ground and the earth absorbed the water. A sigh stuck in your throat.
"You don't seem very happy…" Rain asked in your ear.
"Can everyone do magic like that? Is it a gift or something? How do you make water have a shape? I felt something else inside the water, was there something?-" He cut you short, he knew you would have questions but you were starting to blurt out one after another another hastily.
"It's a gift, it's no big deal" You were surprised how he acted as if it were something X and unimportant. I must have been used to those things but for you it was simply magical.
"If it wasn't a big deal I could do those things. It's special" The blush returned to his cheeks, although you couldn't see it.
The first butterfly had been born in his stomach and fluttered.
"I must go," the sensation alerted Rain, like a cat's intuition alerts her. He thought maybe something bad was happening with him, although it probably wasn't anything serious.
"Because?" You asked quickly, it was late but you wanted to hear him a little more.
Rain pointed to a lighted window far away, it was the wing of the ghouls, separated from the others. "Too late, I must return to them." You sighed secretly, it made sense and even you yourself had to go back inside.
You nodded as he walked backwards back to where he entered. "Thank you for the help Rain, and for the class on demons."
“Sleep well Y/N.”
That was what he expected to hear, a smile formed on his face and he turned to leave. He disappeared into the night and mist shortly after.
As soon as he left you could notice how sore your cheeks were from smiling so much all that time. It had been totally worth it even so, Rain had been a most kind and chivalrous ghoul, you had sighed more in his presence than in that of anyone else, he was a huge well of knowledge and you were very interested. The night and its breeze embraced you, it was cold, your fingers were cold. You walked straight to the entrance when something caught your attention in the corner of your eye.
You turned to get a better look under the poor moonlight. A small bouquet lying on the grass, fresh and shiny from the cold dew.
"Oh no…" Rain must have left it there when they sat on the grass and then completely forgotten.
You took it and the perfume of the mind quickly entered your nostrils, it was quite comforting. Maybe it even reminded you of the smell that surrounded Rain.
He was a good boy, a true gentleman, from his attire to the way he spoke and especially the way he acted. It made you smile just thinking about it. You hoped that this encounter wouldn't just be a one-night thing.
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"I'm here!" Rain pronounced as he entered the room and left his muddy boots at the entrance with the rest.
"Where were you? The tea got cold." Mountain appeared in the kitchen doorway, with his apron on, along with the smell of pasta.
"I picked some flowers…" she tried to decide if she should say everything that had happened or just leave the sentence hanging.
"And the flowers?" asked Phantom who was walking along the high ceiling of the living room together with Aurora, both of them touching up the paintings of the Milky Way that the latter had made. Rain realized it was true, her empty hands reminding him of what her mission was supposed to have been.
He was very amazed, he was rare in forgetting things. He had come to that part of the garden by mere chance while he was enjoying the rain and stealing some plants from Mountain's garden. Seeing you surprised him, he could identify your tears from the rain while you ran from one side to the other grabbing sheets. No Sister of Sin had really interacted with him, but he wasn't a monster and helping you wouldn't bother him. And then he had just let himself go, the sensation of it reminding him of the comfort he felt when he was underwater.
"I forgot, I guess…" his voice wavered.
Aurora made a clearly strange face. That was not normal for him.
"Dinner will be soon, can you tell the others?" Mountain asked as he stirred the pasta and took out plates.
Rain nodded.
He walked down the hallway until he reached the living room. Sodo was covered in blankets in front of the TV, playing Mario Card with Cirrus and apparently he was having a bad streak, Cumulus was lying on the couch playing with a gust of air between her fingers while laughing at Sodo's stupid expression.
"But what the hell is that horrible smell?" Sodo asked, turning his head like an owl in the direction of Rain who felt his skin crawl.
"Mountain says dinner will be soon" Rain repeated as he retreated to his room.
"Take a shower! I don't know what you smell like but I don't want to smell something like that at dinner!" Sodo shouted as he continued trying to recover in the game.
Did he smell like something? Rain couldn't understand what he meant by that. No one had told him that he smelled like anything, especially something unpleasant. Although knowing Sodo even the most delicious smell would be horrible in his nostrils.
When he arrived at his room he opened the door and the pre-recorded sound of the ocean wave greeted him. He had a slight dim light in the room and little by little he turned on each little shark light and smiled instinctively. His mind was filled with images of the little adventure he had had that night in the garden.
"Y/N…" he uttered out of inertia, savoring the name between his lips.
Then a flutter of wings turned his stomach. His smile faltered, I thought maybe it was hunger. But when the memories came back to spin in his mind. His face forced him to smile like a fool and the fluttering returned, accompanied this time by another, they danced in his stomach with emotion.
Rain lay back on the bed, somewhat scared. He felt waves of excitement and euphoria hit the shores of his mind and distort memories into imaginative scenarios that had never happened, but there was definitely something in common about them. The echo of your laughter or a quick flash of your eyes or the image of your hands in the thick water.
Rain was really scared, unable to move in bed or scream for help. He was trapped in his mind and the cold spasms his body caused her, a strange way to get the euphoria out of his body. He barely knew basic human emotions, this was new. He made him dizzy like a fever of ecstasy. His body began to tremble. The smile didn't go away, somehow he liked the feeling, maybe because it was new or because they had something in common. You.
After a while everything calmed down and he was able to move his body with ease, he was breathing heavily while a drop of sweat rolled down his face.
The episode had passed or so he thought.
He wanted to remember the events of the day, but every time he tried those strange sensations came back to the surface.
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"Rain hasn't arrived?" Mountain asked as she served plates full of pasta on the table. "I thought I would be the first at the table."
"I'll go get it." Swiss got up out of nowhere, he had arrived recently. He walked quickly straight to the ghoul room but there was an essence in the environment that revived his own memories and that made his spine and tail bristle equally.
When he reached the door he could hear the panting inside the room. When he opened the door he was hit hard by the essence of a human emotion that he knew very well by then.
He found Rain sweating, lying on the bed on his back, panting and in a state of agitation that was just beginning to subside.
"Rain…are you okay?" Swiss asked, trying to keep his tone cheerful.
He stood up quickly with one hand on his chest as if he were trying to keep his heart inside the flesh of his body. "Of course"
He seemed to have panicked and started looking for more comfortable clothes in his closet, completely avoiding Swiss's gaze.
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That was the first night, and things hadn't stopped.
When you handed him the bouquet the day after your meeting at breakfast, a blush rose to his cheeks but he accepted it with pleasure.
When they walked through the garden chatting freely, a flutter was added to his stomach, a sign that if he had taken it at that moment he would not be where he was.
The more they met and spent time together, the more Rain felt flutters inside her stomach, at first she thought that maybe her body was being attacked by some disease but that was quickly ruled out. Then a worse idea crossed her mind, maybe it wasn't the body that was sick, maybe he himself was sick and that terrified him more than any symptom. She immediately thought that if the Clergy found out that he was 'broken' he would be returned to hell and even though it was his home he did not want to return. He didn't want to leave them. He didn't want to leave you.
At first he thought he could solve it himself, find the reason for his 'symptoms' and eliminate the root of the problem. But when his investigations pointed to you he stopped.
He understood everything when during the summer he took you to the lake he used to go to, you accepted and like a gentleman he offered to teach you anything. He ignored the symptoms all that day as much as he could. He ignores the insomnia and excitement that kept him awake all night, the fluttering that became so strong as the scheduled time to leave approached, he ignored how his heart beat desperately when you took his hand with a backpack in hand like an angel. Coming down from the clouds, he controlled as best he could his gaze melting over you as he drove to the lake.
And he knew he wasn't that strong, because inside the water, with your hair floating above your head, covered by the faint sunlight at that depth, with your hands and legs clinging to his body so as not to move away, with your eyes on him. But above all with a nervous smile on his face, he knew that he couldn't bear it.
He held his hands on your hips, going up until he felt your ribs, feeling how they contracted every time you released air that turned into bubbles, he didn't understand how even under the cold water he felt like he was burning from the inside out, like the tranquility that he had always felt. Now it was devoured by a flame inside him, a flame that begged his skin to merge with yours, the fluttering in his stomach was so intense that it had made his brain dizzy, he felt primitive. But totally flooded by a need to possess, to take what those strange symptoms wanted and although you didn't notice it, his lost in you.
It was then when he realized that he couldn't be strong, not with you, these symptoms made him long for you with raw desperation, with total lack of control. He felt lost in your skin, in your eyes or in your voice. Possessed by a desire of unknown origin that he could not keep under control. Trapped by the instinct to possess you like a demon to an unusually good soul. He felt capable of ruining you, of taking all the air from your lungs and taking your soul like a sip of life in a certainty of death.
He couldn't ruin you like that. But he couldn't stand feeling like he was allergic to your presence, your humanity, your soul.
"Fuck!" He screamed, feeling how the symptoms were coming back with excessive force from inside him. He hit his head against the wood of the shelf behind him, with enough force to splinter the wood and make it creak. He felt a warm liquid drip down his neck and down his back. He didn't care. He was tired of those symptoms. He preferred the pain physical to the torture that was brewing inside him.
He couldn't stand them, they overwhelmed him, there was a slight sensation that he could define as happiness but it was nothing compared to the rest of the whirlpool that trapped him. So he walked away completely, he avoided hearing you, seeing you or even feeling your presence nearby. But that was killing him from the inside, something inside him was gnawing at him, he couldn't help but look at things that reminded him of you, even outside the Ministry there were things that he had bought for the mere fact of thinking that you would like them.
He tries to talk about this with Phantom, since he was a quintessential ghoul, but he, being new, does not know what he is and is embarrassed to confess that he is "defective" to others. Especially Sodo, he trusted him but when he was upset he used to reveal secret information, he didn't do it as a bad friend, it was just difficult to close that sharp mouth when he was angry.
He slammed his head again harder than before against the wood, pushing that 'analysis' out of his mind to relax his heart in his chest. Causing one of those heavy books to fall to the ground with a loud, dusty crash.
He got up heavily, he couldn't mess up that place too much or someone would know that he had been visiting.
The book was heavy and older than expected, made of some type of metal which surprised him. He passed his hand along the corner of the deck, it had been many centuries since he had seen something like that, he thought that things like that were still lost in the tomb of the pharaohs. The lid was made of obsidian, and the leaves were silver with carvings in a language now lost. His hand slid faster than it should and he opened a clean cut on his fingers.
"Ugh" he quickly moved his hand away from the book. The feeling of physical harm was not something she liked, in general having a human vessel was a strange feeling. A drop of blood fell on the cover, revealing an unusual shine.
Rain was curious, if it weren't for his current situation he would have gone through every book in the library. He hold the book to the dim glow of light from the dirty window. Carved on the obsidian was a snake coiled at the bottom of a pit in what seemed to be a cave, with rubies in its eyes, a very long row of teeth and emerald scales. The book must have been worth a real fortune, but it must have been more valuable in another way so Sister Imperator wouldn't have auctioned it off to gain more funds for the Ministry.
Him blood ran down to the beast's mouth and he seemed to see a gleam in her eyes. A cold ran down her back, she could only buy it with the abyssal coldness of the ocean.
He didn't dare open the book. Something inside him told him that he should keep his distance. His tail tightened around his chest in fear.
He pushed the book back to his place.
"What the fu..?" He asked himself as he felt that he was hitting bottom much earlier than he should, since he still stood out from the rest. Rain preciono el libro con mas fuerza hasta escuchar un mecanismo activarse.
The ground vibrated at his feet, he thought it was a tremor but nothing outside seemed to move, the stone walls next to him creaked and opened. Hitting Rain with a strong, salty breeze. The gills on his neck opened wide, showing that he somehow recognized that place.
He looked out a little, darkness greeted him, humidity dripped from the walls and some green algae were next to the moss on the steps carved into the rock that descended in a snail shape towards the depths.
He could hear the echo of the choppy water crashing against the steps, as if there were a coast in there.
Something was calling him inside, something was asking him to come in. Not like a ghoul, he asked him to come in as what he was, a water demon.
"Do you want answers?" whispered a foreign voice, a voice that came from that newly discovered passage."Don't you want to be fixed?.."
There was something he recognized in that deep, raspy voice. His own instinct forced him to take one step forward and then another. Going down the slippery stairs, while his gills were glad to feel the salty air. Darkness enveloped him completely but he could see perfectly into that dark place.
When he reached the bottom he could feel the sand under his skin and the light splash of salt water on his face.
"Hello?" He spoke to the emptiness of the place, his voice echoed in every stone of the cave and was carried by the tide.
The dark water swirled and from the depth emerged a scaly head, with bright ruby eyes and emerald scales, just like in the book.
"Do you want something…" he whispered, although the corners of his mouth didn't move. "There is something inside you…something is wrong with you my demon…" the creature mocked.
A sigh caught inside Rain's mouth and he fell to his knees on the wet gray sand.
"My lord Leviathan?" He asked fearfully, watching the small waves hit her knees.
She didn't expect to find his legion leader in a place like this. Was that his entrance to Earth for when Year Zero will arrive? A thousand questions ran through her mind, but above all he was terrified. His leader knew something was wrong inside him.
"Get in the water…" he murmured, wagging his tail at Rain, splashing water on her face. The being showed a grimace of disgust that wrinkled her face "You reject your nature" he spat the words with disgust. "Enter the water…I'm going to repair you"
"Will I go back to hell?" He asked fearfully, with his gaze still fixed on the ground, squeezing the sand under her fingers, possibly he wouldn't feel it again for a long time… maybe never again.
The being did not respond, it simply buried its head. He didn't like the questions, he knew it well, he had already given the order, if he wanted to get rid of this 'illness' everything would be normal again, he would be normal and he would be able to approach you again without those overwhelming symptoms.
I sigh and look at the stairs. Going back would be easy, disobeying and simply fixing it on his own was a few steps away but this was something he couldn't do, he wasn't that strong.
I slowly take his arms out of the jacket, accompanied by the shirt and vest, the belt, the pants and finally the shoes. His feet were refreshed by feeling the abyssal tide and in general his entire naked body responded with pleasure.
His tail unwraps from his chest, his gills and fins getting ready to return to his natural environment.
First he sinks his feet and with each step a feeling of drowsiness invades him, as if every nerve in his body had completely relaxed. The water covers his face and his lungs empty and close, he won't need them for a long time. Under water everything is different, each noise is heard differently. He was breathing again, swimming in an abyssal void.
He can see the ruby eyes at the bottom and swims towards it, hypnotized and wishing for a remedy for his 'illness'.
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You ran as much as you could down every hallway you knew but nothing. No brother of sin could tell you anything about Rain and you weren't brave enough to ask the ghouls about it. There was only one way to try to find out where she was. The security cameras.
You were quite surprised by the ghoul's attitude, he had been spending an exquisite time together for months and out of nowhere he ran away from you as if you had leprosy. Although if you analyzed his behavior he had been quite strange lately. When they went to the lake he seemed quite tense and when you were in the water you had felt like you were prey in a lake of piranhas, on the way back he hadn't said a word other than a simple 'goodbye' when I'll leave you in your room.
You sighed when you reached the Security Room, you knocked on the door several times but no one opened, you knocked even harder, even hitting the door with the tip of your boot.
"What do you want?" asked an annoyed man as he finished taking a drag on his cigarette and put it out at the door, leaving a mark on the wood.
You tried to keep his gaze on him successfully.
"I need to see the cameras from this afternoon" You took a step forward with the intention of sneaking into the room but he denied you passage.
"Reason? I don't see any authorization card" he was quite arrogant and that bothered you.
You couldn't admit the real reason, a Sister of Sin shouldn't get involved with ghouls. So you lied about the one thing you couldn't play with.
"They've been stealing things from Sister Imperator's room," the veins in the guy's neck tightened, saying her name was like calling the devil, you prayed she wasn't around. You remained calm although inside you were nervous as hell.
He examined you for a couple of seconds before letting you in and closing the door behind you. You were stuck with him.
The room was small and quite uncomfortable, full of monitors on the walls and on the table, some were labeled with dirty adhesive tape, there was a horrible smell of cigarettes and you were sure that you would have to wash your habit as soon as you left that place. The guy was behind you, watching your every step.
" I Can?" you asked pointing to a chair to sit on.
"As you wish" he responded with disinterest.
You sat in front of one of the monitors that focused on one of the floors, the quality was not the best. The mouse was sticky and you really felt like throwing up when you touched it but you did your best and went back a couple of hours into the recording, a sigh stuck in your throat as you saw Rain running with a hand on his chest looking back like if someone followed him.
"A ghoul stole it?" the guy asked behind your back, you had almost forgotten he was there.
"No" you said dryly and continued searching but at some point he disappeared from the recordings. You were frustrated, Rain wasn't someone who played those kinds of childish games but you wouldn't give up.
"What's that?" You asked, turning in your chair and pointing to the largest screen, you had lines that delimited a building and letters inside the rooms as well as colored dots, some with numbers, others without.
"It's the monitoring screen, it says where the important people are." I hesitate to tell you, it wasn't something the brothers of sin should know.
"Okay…" your eyes moved eagerly looking for a blue dot on the huge map and you found it, blinking in a huge room.
You found it.
"I'm leaving" you said and approached the door quickly.
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It wasn't difficult to find the place where it was, you had never been there and in fact you had to sneak through some secret corridors of the old abbey. But the feeling of entering that room was making you sick.
You felt as if you were in turbulent waters and your stomach was being encouraged to empty its contents, you were dizzy and your eyes felt blurry.
You weren't poisoned by any of the food, you knew well that those symptoms were caused by some strange force within the library. You walked through the hallways with as much haste as your weak state allowed.
"What is this?" Under your feet was a layer of water that emanated a salty and maritime smell, your boots squelched with each step as you approached the source.
A chill ran down your spine when you arrived, the stone was wet and you couldn't see anything at all in that darkness. Opened in the stone, some catacombs announced themselves before you with gusts of wind and the clear sound of the coast.
"Rain?" You muttered into the void, afraid to take the step and enter. "It's not funny." You felt stupid saying that. But you were sure that he was in there, you didn't know why but he was there.
You tried to take a timid step towards that darkness but you slipped on something and your hand held tightly to a protruding part of the stone, an echo resounded throughout the place lighting faint torches that shed their light on you and the silhouette of the place.
Your chest tightened, your mind screamed at you that you shouldn't be there and your feet just wanted to run away. But a flash glimpses in the corner of your eye and you turn.
You recognize that golden piece, even though it is far away you know what it is and your body runs towards it. Towards the small dark sand beach.
The blood in your veins travels faster as you approach, no matter how many times you slip, you fall to your knees on the pile of clothes.
You know who it belongs to, you search through it desperately as if you were going to find it deep down but you won't.
"Rain!" You scream but no one responds and the echo of the cave mocks your despair. "RAIN!" you shout, holding his shirt in your hands.
Nobody answers. The water shakes vigorously and you feel that a force from the depths invites you to enter.
The marine darkness scares you, you fear what's there, you fear being in that place… but you can't leave… not without him.
You take a sigh and crawl over the sand to the water, you carry his shirt in your hand, as a symbol of good luck, as if a piece of clothing could keep you safe.
You look up before the water covers your head and with pain you open your eyes under the cold, salty water, you sink, the water sinks you and now the surface is distant, almost like a mirage. The cold chills your bones and elevates your habit, you press your shirt against your chest. Something cold brushes against your ankle, you move away and look but there is nothing.
You try to pronounce Rain's name but it comes out as bubbles that also sink, the hair on your neck rises when you find pairs of reddish reflections in the darkness, next to you and below you. You feel in danger, you know that you are in danger and for the first time you think that if you die there no one will find you.
Your heart stops when several hands hold your legs and pull you to the bottom, the little air you have in your lungs escapes and you fight to get back up but it is impossible, you hear laughter and murmurs, your gaze meets that of other demons. Beings scaly, with a toothy smile and bulging red eyes, with claws that hurt your skin and make it bleed, they group around you like piranhas, trapping each of your limbs and holding them with the sole intention of devouring them when the last breath leaves you mouth.
Your tears mix with the water, you know that there is no way to get out of something like this, there are more hands on you than you can count, more claws that cut your skin like little needles than you can see. You accept that you will die, that it will be painful but that it will end quickly.
"Go away!…" a wave crosses the water and the demons get scared like cats and move away, still hanging on your body. You can barely hear the voice, it sounds dry and broken. But it's too late, your lungs can no longer find air inside them and before giving in, close your eyes.
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Rain turned his head in surprise as he saw how his leader scolded a bunch of minor demons, rarely showing any interest in them.
"Follow me…" Leviathan moved with agility in the water, even though he was enormous and heavy like the earth itself. "I found your problem…"
Rain nodded and followed him, excited and afraid of what his leader was going to show him. The huge snake stopped and hissed in the darkness, some thin algae like bioluminescent threads emerged from the darkness and gathered on a body in the water, giving light to the situation.
Rain held back a gasp with his hands but he could hear it inside him with pain. He tried to get closer, but he was pushed by Leviathan's tail to stay in his place, he couldn't remove the grimace of terror from his face.
"No…" he murmured, his voice breaking.
Your body floated in the void, your hair rose above you like a fan, your skin was sadly illuminated, your habit was torn and threads of blood flowed from your skin that hit his nose with force, whetting the appetite of the others demons, ready to destroy you. Rain's stomach churned with bitterness, you looked like a bloody martyr.
"She's the problem…" Leviathan approached you, he entangled himself in your body, even though he could bite your head off in one bite and he wouldn't be even close to being satisfied, that was something Rain feared. With his tail the huge snake opened a clean wound in your chest. Rain couldn't help it, he approached as fast as he could, but his leader kept him away.
Rain's eyes reddened and tar-black tears ran down his cheeks "Stop it…please stop…" he begged his leader as he tried to get closer to you.
From the wound Leviathan continued cutting until he reached your heart, which was still beating slowly but beating. The snake exposed your heart to Rain.
"Eat it…" ordered the snake.
"No…" Rain denied with her voice broken as the monster pushed your heart into her hands. "Please…"
"She makes you weak! She infected you with her humanity…. Eat it! Eat it and be free of your illness…" Leviathan's voice became furious at the refusal of his servant. "She's stopping you?"
"I don't want to hurt her. My lord, don't make me do this." Rain caressed your unconscious face lovingly, the image of you sleeping on his shoulder when you decided to watch movies together appeared in his mind, torturing him more. You were sweet, brave, funny. His mind tormented him with memories of both of you, of the image of your laughter, the sparkle in your eyes, the sound of his name in your voice, the feel of your touch.
All his 'symptoms' returned, strongly, with desperation taking over his entire body, filling it with adrenaline and a vestige of anger.
Leviathan took out his iron tongue and tested the energy of the water. "She has trapped you," the beast pronounced mockingly. Thunderous laughter gathered around him, coming from the henchmen.
Rain sighed and looked at your heart in his hands. He knew why everyone made fun, refusing your leader's orders was an offense, Leviathan had taken it better than he expected but he was not happy, he was a lying and treacherous monstrosity, he would take advantage of any opportunity to hurt you and show that once again he was right.
"It's funny don't you think?" Leviathan brought his face closer to Rain, making him press your heart against his chest, causing a grimace of pain to appear on your face.
"I don't know what you're talking about, my lord," he pronounced firmly.
"Of course you know, you're not stupid, Rain. You choose to be loyal to her rather than me." A laugh echoes through the place. "I'm not going to stop you, after all, you are my demon, you are eternal and you belong to me, she, on the other hand… "Leviathan brought the golden tip of his tail to your neck and opened a small bleeding wound. "She is mortal and will perish like all of her race," he spat out those words in disgust. "And when she dies you will return here and be punished for your insolence."
"You can't kill her!" Rain shouted with a bravery he didn't know he possessed.
"Of course I can!" Leviathan shouted back "but I won't… tell me Rain, do you see me unable to wait? How long do you think she will live? 30 or maybe 50 more years? How long can you keep her safe before her fate catches up with her?"
Rain's face changed with terror. She knew that no matter how much she protected you, even if she kept you in a bubble for the rest of your life, all humans had a debt to pay with death and you were no exception.
Leviathan continued.
"You bite my hand for the passing life of an insignificant human, there are millions like her, with her face or her body. It turned you into a stupid demon Rain and i think you are my favorite, I expected more from you. I will have all your eternity to Make you pay for that… and I'll enjoy it." Rain didn't care about the insult, that was insignificant. The mention of his own eternity crossed a dangerous idea in his mind, risky for him.
"She's worth it." Even if that strange illness consumed him, he no longer cared.
Rain walked away from Leviathan, as if it were nothing, and approached your body. The wound in your chest was still open, hidden by your destroyed habit, he sighed and placed her forehead against yours, returning your heart to hers. The wave of life, Rain through your body, Rain left a trail of kisses on your chest to close the wound.
Sigh.
He put his hands inside his own ribcage, muffling cries of pain like simple whimpers, clawing his way through the crunching of ribs and the tearing of flesh, he extracted his own heart, it was beating fast, dark blue in color.
A shock of surprise spread throughout the abyss, Leviathan himself had no idea what his servant was planning to do.
His claws clung to a piece of his heart until he tore it out and made a river of dark green and blood gush out. Rain felt weak, the pain was killing him more than the act itself. His trembling hand still held the piece of his heart and pushed it into your mouth.
"Eat from me" he began to speak, her voice trembled and you could feel her desperation "Drink from me" he cupped her hand to contain her blood and emptied it over your lips.
"Don't you dare…" Leviathan exclaimed, rising in anger, but it was too late, when your body accepted the flesh and the blood descended to rekindle the flame of your soul.
A pact was being carried out, one never seen before.
"Where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay. I offer my eternity before you, I share my immortality with you. Where you live I will live. I give you what I am so that you may have power over me, I belong to you. Yours to possess, yours to obey. You possess me in body and soul…" He finished by placing his lips on yours, just a touch, without intensity, but with desperation. Wishing it worked.
In the deep abyss a deal was sealed that would last an eternity until the end of time.
"Mine…" your bloody lips murmured with difficulty.
Hi, I know I've been missing for quite some time and I'm sorry for that. I got caught up in family celebrations, but I've been writing quite a bit and I plan to do a second part of Tower Of Cups, just give me some time and I'll have it soon. I promise. I hope you like this Rain fanfic, I have another one planned but I don't have the story guide yet.
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