#the source of more breakdowns than i can count | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

livelaughlovesubs · 3 months

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I read this from yours https://www.tumblr.com/livelaughlovesubs/743492538930954240/pitiful-thing?source=share

And i couldn't help reading it due to your amazing writing even if im not really into sadism-, anyway can we have more raphael?a part 2 but can you make it fluffy/sweet if its okay? Thank you!

Hey hey! Thank you for reading it :D and like always, I’m sorry it took so long… anyway, here it is :>

How pitiful

Part one!

Raphael x reader

Word count: 5.9k

This includes: triggering content, angst (aftermath from the first part), mental breakdown? Very toxic, at the end there’s fluff (happy end?), reader is still the same (very selfish)

Okay so, I wanted to make this like fluffy and sweet, and I didn’t manage to do that. I’M SORRY. Cuz I had too many ideas and so the fluff part would only be at the end. Sometimes there are small pieces of it throughout the story, but yea. I didn’t want to stop in the middle of it and make a third part cuz then you wouldn’t get the fluff you wanted, so I’m sorry that you had to wait this long, even then it’s more angst than fluff I’m sorry.

After a while, the corrosive smell started to bother you. Your hands were dyed completely red now. They were sticky and had feathers stuck to them, the blood of the male dried too. For a moment, it felt like you had a hangover. The things you did in the last few hours and the emotions you felt were slowly fading away, leaving nothing but desire behind. All you remembered was a vivid dream akin experience, one where you got to finally feel alive after falling down this deep abyss. The sudden change in environment seems to have influenced you more than you imagined. How you yearned for the screams and cries of him. It has only been a few minutes, yet that feeling, the rush of adrenaline started to disappear like a childhood memory. You didn’t want to forget it, you wanted to keep it sealed within you forever.

Time was passing by like usual, yet for some reason you didn’t seem responsive, as if you weren’t really there. As if you were floating in space, every nerve in your body turned off and your senses dulled. You couldn’t really acknowledge your surroundings, simply at the wall, contemplating and thinking about whatever you did remember. Everything that happened was being replayed in your head like a show, sadly the graphic setting was low and everything was a blur. Except for those crimson eyes of him.

The different expressions his eyes bore were mesmerising, enough to leave its imprint on you. How the once fierce look he owned turned into one of uncertainties, of doubt and fear. Your room looked like the aftermath of a battle. Luckily for you it was at a hotel, so you wouldn’t need to clean it. This wasn’t earth, it wouldn’t matter if the owner sees all of this, the evident of your action, the proof of your true desires. You felt empty again, like the fulfilment you felt before was ran out. The hand on the back of his head moved to his cheeks, moving his face backwards. He has been resting his chin in the crook of your neck the entire time without making a single sound, slowly it got suspicious.

Raphael was breathing very weakly and shallow, apparently he also got a nosebleed. “Hey, wake up.” You muttered, rubbing his cheeks gently. His pale face had blood stains, but his eyes were still closed. Right now he looked very vulnerable, so helpless as if he was someone that needed protection. At the same time he also appeared like an innocent child in your eyes, one that’s been depraved of love. How pitiful he is, being cast aside by his creator and now stuck in the claws of a monster. Since you wore him out a lot, you let him sleep. It didn’t matter if you knew nothing about the anatomy of an angel, if one is exhausted they need to take a break. You laid him down onto the humid mattress before you got up to go to the bathroom.

Now that you cleaned yourself up and got a towel, you started to clean the still asleep male too, wiping the excessive body fluids of him away. It was a little disturbing considering you were the cause of all of this, but you could manage. When you saw the two holes on his belly, where his piercings have been, you gaged a little. The scene turned out to be a bit more grotesque than you remembered. Speaking of memories, it was strange how you couldn’t recall what happened very clearly. After all, it was just happened, as if you weren’t thinking clearly when you did all that. You didn’t regret it though, because if there’s one thing you remembered, then it’s that you loved every second of it. Every action to the words you spoke, you knew you enjoyed yourself a lot. Enough to make you want to go for a second round.

Eventually you finished wiping him, sitting down next to Raphael again. Still so quiet, this wasn’t normal. Your first thought was that he fell asleep, though upon further inspection his face was starting to get pale. Soon you realised that he passed out and sighed, “…not good.” It looked like he lost his consciousness, probably due to the excessive amount of blood he lost. One glance was all you needed to know your hypothesis was right. In the end, you did rip his wings off, not to mention how the bed was now akin to the red carpet. A stressed out groan left you, why were thing always so difficult. Aftercare is great and all, but what should you do if he needs immediate treatment? It’s not like you can carry him all the way to paradise lost. Will today be the day you kill someone for the first time?

Suddenly the door to your hotel room crashed down, and a group of devils barged in. These devils, they really know no manners. Though you were also glad to some degree, because you saw Satan, sitri, and Marbas. “Y/n!” The devil with the white hair ran towards you, but he stopped after taking three steps. Sitri, who was pushing Marbas, followed his king and stopped right next to him. “Solomon, what happened?” That devil asked, his voice was filled with confusion. They must be shocked to see the state the room is in, not to mention Raphael. “I’ll tell you later. Marbas, can you help this guy here? He’s lost a lot of blood.” You looked calm, terrifyingly so, no panic could be spotted in your voice nor did you have a fast heartbeat. “I’ll see what I can do.” Marbas answered after a bit and got out of his binds. When he got close enough to recognise who that was, he hesitated. He still started treating him afterwards, despite the identity of the patient.

“Satan, why are you here?” In all honesty, you didn’t care, and you had a vague idea how they knew your location, but you didn’t want to answer their questions. You weren’t in the mood to right now. “When you disappeared so suddenly, everyone got worried. Then sitri found you.” Nothing you couldn’t guess yourself. “And? Why’s Marbas here?” This time, the devil with the blue hair spoke up, “I heard two heartbeats, and I recognised that the other one was an angel. That’s why.” So they thought you got beaten up or injured, huh, if that’s the case they are pretty late for a rescue operation. “What about you tell us your side of the story now?” It seems like you won’t be able to get out of this one. You noticed that he gritted his teeth again, one look was enough to tell he wasn’t happy. “Well, you see…” “y/n, your majesty Satan and sitri. I’m done, I stopped the bleeding and treated his injuries. Though this won’t be enough, we’ll need to bring him to paradise lost.” In the nick of time Marbas reported his observations and actions, in contrary to what you predicted, you were able to dodge the questions again.

“Why do we need to go all the way there, won’t the hospital in Gehenna suffice?” Satan scoffed, he was getting more furious by the second. First your disappearance, now all the hassle for an enemy. “Because… I believe only his majesty lucifer and gamigin knows how to properly treat him.” Just as Satan was about to inquire about the former seraphim’s injuries, you barged in, “All right, we don’t have much time, no? Shouldn’t we be on the way?” Everything was taking too long, so you interrupted their little small talk and rushed them. In addition, you also walked over to the bed, picking up the white jacket that belonged to his outfit and wrapped him in it. Sitri seems to have finally caught on and helped you carrying him. This was going to be a long night. It was so much hassle just to keep someone alive, maybe you should let him die instead? Was it because of your hardened personality that you weren’t sorry for him, that you didn’t feel any remorse?

It’s been three weeks since Raphael got taken in at the hospital of paradise lost. Your life hasn’t changed much, in fact it reversed back to how it was before your second meeting with him. Today, while you were visiting him, the sleeping beauty finally opened his eyes. It did caught you off guard, so you started to call for the doctor. “You’re [—]. Ah, lucifer, where’s [——]?” His view was blurry, it was like watching black paint spread on a clean paper. Furthermore his head was hurting a lot, as if he had been on a carousel for too long. It was to the point he couldn’t even register your voice properly. “…where…?” The man uttered, it was more like a groan of pain than words. He tried to cover his eyes with his hand due to how bright it was, that’s when he noticed an IV stuck to his arm. “You [—] hospital, if you [——] noticed.” It was still difficult to understand you, but it got better the more he tried. “…is that you, y/n?” Raphael asked and his hand reached out to you, his body acted before he could think about it. You held his hand and intertwined your fingers, then you squeezed his hand. “Yes.” He flinched at that, a little surprised at this sudden gentleness coming from you. This wasn’t how you were like last time, but he didn’t hate it.

A few minutes later lucifer also came into the room, the patient froze upon seeing his former colleague, he also hold your hand more firmly. You didn’t need two brain cells to know they had something to say to each other, so you got up to leave the room. When you stopped holding his hand, he tensed up again, in the end he eventually let go. Were you overthinking it or was he acting differently than before? Nonetheless, you went out to get some food for him. With a bit of discussing and arguing, you got Satan to give you permission to keep him. He did almost die because of you, with that being said you also thought he’d be more wary of you. In the end, you were proven wrong. For the time being you were going to be nice to him, so that he will want to stay, it’d be no good if he runs away. It’s been three weeks now, three weeks of pure boredom. After all that torturous wait, you finally felt an ounce of excitement.

When you got back to his resting place with a bag of to go food, you met lucifer who was just coming out of the room. They must have had a very long talk, was what you thought. You weren’t really curious about what they talked about though, which is why you asked him instead, “can he get out today? He looks healthy enough.” To your surprise the male disagreed, explaining, “he lost his wings, he’ll need physiotherapy.” The confusion was written all over your face like the front cover of a magazine, you said with an irritated tone, “you mean he can’t walk?” “Not good at best.” You should trust the words of a doctor, especially him who has more experience than you, yet you still couldn’t wrap your head around it. “But, it’s his wings he lost. He always walked without showing them.” Lucifer was kingly enough to explain it to you, how much patience he must have, “not showing them and not having them are two different things. He’s been used to having wings it for as long as he lived, this sudden change will cause his body to lose balance, because…” he has too much patience for sure, normally you though he was a quiet guy, though it looks like he can talk a lot if it’s his field. Great, now you had to listen to him lecture you about angel anatomy.

A while later buer called for lucifer, he had something to take care of and left you alone. You on the other hand was standing in front of the patient room now, still holding the now cold bag. So he has to stay here for a month, and then continuously visit it to get better. Is this was you want? Slowly your thoughts were getting too complicated, which is why you stepped inside. “You are back.” You saw raphael turn his head towards you. How pitiful he looked, all bedridden like this. “Yea, are you hungry?” That was a very unnecessary question, really, you didn’t know why you just wasted your breath with that one. Nevertheless you got closer and sat down on the chair next to him, then opened the bag and let him look inside. Maybe you should have used the microwave first, if there was one that is. “It’s all for you.” You added, in case he misunderstands anything. His hand reached out to your direction, though instead of the food he grabbed your hand. “…” “…?” This was bizarre to say the least, he didn’t make any sense. Both of you stayed silent, a few minutes felt like days. Why did he do that? You wondered, but before you could ask he let go of your hand again and reached inside the bag. “Thanks.” The male whispered, then bit into his food.

It was awkward, none of you dared to say something about the new promises between you two. The situation already escalated to the point where you couldn’t go back, guess you had to keep your word then. At some point, after he finished his meal, he just stared at his hands clenching the blankets. It looked like he was deep in thoughts, maybe even regretting ever meeting you. Was what happened only a mistake done in the heat of the moment? Were you going to tell him, ‘sorry, I didn’t mean to’ and then leave? After taking everything from him? That’s what he was contemplating. He can’t return to heaven without his wings, not that he exactly wants to go back, but if hell doesn’t have a place for him where can he go to? Your expression was neutral, too calm even, he couldn’t read you.

It was frustrating, you didn’t get any backlash from it, yet his life had turned upside down. Out of nowhere he reached out to you again and grabbed you by your collar, “You have to take responsibility, you can’t leave me now.” The male threatened you, getting really close to your face. Despite his deep voice, you saw the fear in his eyes, like a stormy night filled with thunder. He moved up too fast, as well as using too much strength, causing him to lose balance and fall over, crashing into your arms with his upper body. This wasn’t anything too dangerous, since you managed to catch him and prevent the fall of you two. It still hurt a little, because his fingers were gripping your shoulders really tight.

“Be careful now.” You said, pulling him in to hug him tightly, watching him tremble a little. This is weird, it wasn’t a natural reaction, so you questioned, “What’s wrong?” “I can’t…” “What?” He was acting strange, this was starting to make you feel uneasy too. Suddenly you hugged you back, holding onto you while saying, “You can’t leave me, don’t leave, never again. You made me like this, you have to take responsibility. Please, please, don’t abandon me too.” His eyes were unfocused, hieratic and wild, he panted while uttering those words like a prayer. The aspect that confused you the most was his expression, an unsettling, forced smile as he clung to you, repeating those phrases like a madman, “don’t leave, I can’t afford it now, don’t leave me.”

You stroked his hair and tried to reassure him, his voice was shaking the entire time. Has he finally gone crazy now? “as long as you behave good, I won’t leave. I’d never leave. I’m right here, Raphael, I’m right here.” It doesn’t matter if he is delusional or not, it’s easier this way. What a twisted path fate has planned out for him, it seems like no matter which turn he takes, he’ll always end up miserable. Even so he just adores when you hold him, when you make his life worth living by planting the seed of love within him. Just a few words that doesn’t even need to be true are enough to wrap him around your finger. You were no good for him, this much was clear from the beginning. Like the deadliest drug, giving him the illusion of temporal happiness, all while slowly rotting him from the inside. He can’t get out of this, he doesn’t want to get out, as long as you are alive he’ll keep using this drug, begging you for more. You can’t leave now, and he’ll make sure it stays like this forever.

Soon your visiting time was over, it was the break of dawn and you had to go home. You wanted to leave and already got up from your seat, he then asked, “where are you going?” “I’m going home, you have to stay here for a while.” Something was amiss again, the atmosphere got heavier. His eyes widened and you saw him getting uncomfortable, the change was so drastically like a light switch. “Take me with you,” Raphael demanded. “What?” This surprised you now. “I want to go with you.” He repeated his words once again, after hearing it for the second time you were still bewildered.

You’d like to say you saw determination in his eyes, but you only saw suspicion and anxiety. “If you want to, but lucifer said…” You abruptly stopped mid sentence, before adding, “you know what, let’s just leave together.” Then you gave him a hand. He tried to stand up, one step after another and hold your hand firmly. Out of nowhere he fell forwards, crashing into you again. Just like last time you managed to grab him and prevent the fall. “Ugh.” The boy yelped a little, and with your help, he managed to get back on his feet. Why was his balance so off, you thought, before you remembered the words of lucifer. To think losing his wing would have such an impact on him, you didn’t imagine it’d be this bad.

But standing alone wasn’t enough. You took a few steps back, and waited for him to follow you. When he did, he instantly fell over again. This time you weren’t there to catch him, and he crashed onto the floor. “Ah..” it wasn’t really painful, considering what he went through, but it scared him. He couldn’t walk like before anymore and flying was definitely out of the question. Even if he knew it will get better, this shock still had a physiological effect on him. Was this truly his fate, the path his lord has chosen for him? Will he find the affection he never got once he reached the end of this? He stared back to his legs, cursing his pathetic state under his breath, why was everything so hard?

You on the other hand was mesmerised, those vulnerable and desperate actions of his were making forgotten emotions float up to the surface again. These were the feelings you missed for three weeks, life’s been so boring without him like the main component was missing. The way he looked so crude was making your heart pound. You wanted him, so bad it hurt. When he looked up to you, he met your gaze, the face you made was indescribable. Was it joy, want, or anger? It made him anxious. An unfamiliar place without anyone he can trust. He killed may devils, who knows when one of them would attack him? His helplessness was causing him to depend on you more and more. “Get up, here.” Once again you reached your hand out to him, and pulled him up. With you here to help him keep balance, he was able to move more precisely.

The two of you didn’t do anything dramatic, simply walking out of the hospital hand in hand. Even if you walked pass other devils, they didn’t dare to say anything. You were the descendant of Solomon, and he was the infamous red angel. Was. Sometimes he would trip a little and lean forward, but you always managed to keep him on his feet. It felt like escorting someone who was drunk. Soon you two got out of the hospital and you called for a taxi, then you opened the door and pushed him inside. Raphael held your hand the entire time, unwilling to let go even for a moment. And with that, you two were making your way back to Gehenna.

Now you’ve done it, you really broke out of the hospital. It was way less dramatic than you thought, even so it left a bad taste in your mouth. You could still turn back and act like all of this never happened, should you? Then you looked over to the man sitting next to you in the car, he was looking out of the window, observing hell. “How do you feel, Raphael? You only woke up today after all.” He flinched at your words, then turned around. “I’m fine, I don’t need to go back.” Silence, a pretty awkward one at that. You still haven’t figured out how you should treat him, just the thought that he didn’t feel any resentment towards you was weird. On one hand you wanted to talk about it, on the other hand you didn’t know if it was the right time to do so. Suddenly Raphael spoke up again, “can I hold your hand?” He’s been like that all day, wanting to do such an innocent act with you, as if you didn’t turn his life upside down. It wouldn’t hurt to agree, so you held your hand out. The male was still looking out the window, in addition to that he was also holding your hand now. The rest of the ride went by like this, quietly and peacefully.

Once you two arrived in Gehenna, you helped him get out of the car. He stumbled a little but he was able to walk, though sometimes he would lose his footing and stray off. With heavy steps you two managed to get to your room. The devils who saw you two didn’t stop you, in such instances it was better to stay curious than knowing somehting they shouldn’t. You two had to go up the stairs to reach your destination, that was fun. Really fun. After he arrived in your room, you immediately made him sit down on your bed. He panted a little, already tired, probably because he didn’t move for the past few weeks. Satan did allow him to stay here, but you weren’t sure if he had an own room yet, so you suggested, “You can stay here for the time being, until I get you a separate room.” “…can it be the one next to yours then?” He asked, it was more like a condition though. “I’ll see what I can do.” “Then i don’t mind staying here.” That wasn’t something he gets to decide. You didn’t know what to think about sharing your privacy like this, since you didn’t have an answer yet, you changed the topic.

“Raphael, how do you feel?” “I answered you already, I’m fine,” he sounded mildly annoyed. “Yea, alright. Then what you are thinking?” “What I am thinking? Let’s see.” Raphael stretched himself on your bed, while you stood in front of him. “I can still remember the pain very well. Don get me wrong, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. I don’t need it.” The male started explaining, his expression was serious and nonchalant. Then he trailed off, “huh, my chest feels tight whenever you aren’t here, if I can’t make sure you are with me my air gets snapped off. Like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest by force.” You weren’t sure what to do with these information, based on what you understood it seems like he has a few screws loose. “And?” “And it aches, it hurts. I can’t stand the idea of being separated from you.” He fumbled with his sleeves, but he wasn’t uncomfortable with sharing his thoughts.

Suddenly, out of nowhere he raised his voice, those red eyes of his showed an insatiable hunger in them, a need that can’t be satisfied. He grabbed your leg and pleaded, “don’t hurt me, you can hurt my body but don’t hurt me. Don’t leave me on my own, okay?” It’d be an understatement to say you were caught off guard by his sudden touch. Instead of replying him, you tried to take a few steps backwards, but he held onto you tightly. “Please.” His voice echoed through the room, it kind of freaked you out. In the end you got closer to him, now only inches away from the boy. This seems to satisfy him to some amount and he continued, “my neck, hah…it feels like a hand is choking me. It’s snapping my air off. Choke me please, take this feeling away.” “What are you talking about?” You couldn’t keep your bewilderedness hidden anymore, trying hard to understand the current situation.

“You are the only thing I have left. It’s only fair if I’m the only one in yours too. I’ll be good, I’ll be obedient, please tell me you need me like how I need you.” His hands grabbed your hips, fingers digging into your waist. “Ugh! Wait a second…” “I gave you what you wanted, because of you I ended up like this, don’t you see how good I’ve been to you?” This was getting uncomfortable, you weren’t exacltly scared for your life, rather you were concerned about the situation. Was this the consequences of your actions? “Raphael, calm the fuck down!” You grabbed his arms, trying to yank them away. It was starting to hurt, his nails were scratching you. Even admits all of this you noticed the flickering of his eyes, how his hands trembled and how he was shaking.

“Don’t you love me? Don’t you adore me? Isn’t that why you did all of this? Please tell me it’s true, don’t tell me otherwise. I don’t care if you have to lie. I didn’t do all of that for you to abandon me. Aren’t I the only one who would go this far for you? Tell me, tell me…! Please. I can’t, I can’t breathe. Y/n. Tell me you love me, please, give me everything you have. This agonising pain is too much to bear. Numb those feelings down until i am a shell of what I used to be. You can take anything from me, even if it’s my eyes. It hurts, it pains, help me, please, I’m begging. I think I’m going mad, y/n, have I made the wrong choice? All of this ache is driving me insane, you are my only escape now. Take it all away, make it go away. Is there no end to my suffering?”

His emotions just exploded, everything was all over the place. He also started crying at the same time as well as shaking you back and forth. Anger, doubt and fear filled him up to the rim. There was only so much he could take, and today was his snapping point. Your hand moved first, slapping him across the face, soon it turned red. His little breakdown was going too far and you weren’t nice enough to deal with it. “Fuck I told you to calm down, what are you doing, spouting one nonsense after another?” It’s rare for you to get this angry. You’ve learned to have a lot of patience after coming to hell but this man was pushing you out of your comfort zone. “I’m not good enough. I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I can do better.” For some reason you highly doubted it, I mean just listen to what bullshit he was spouting. “Keep your hand on me, hurt me all you want. I’ll keep you entertained, I can be perfection for you.” The stare he gave you was serious, his tears rolled down his cheek with no purpose. Once again he started yapping about some hallucinations and fantasies he had in his brain.

He felt awful. There was no other way to describe it. Everything hurt, there wasn’t anything worth living for but you. If you left now who knows what he’ll do. Being casted aside all this time made him more insecure than he expected. Like a small bunny that got separated from its mother, walking into the wolfs den without a single clue. All that’s left for him was to clench onto any trace of love he could get. With god gone now, he truly had nothing left to lose, he needed nothing but your affection. This wasn’t about you, this wasn’t about him neither. It was about his obsession with finally feeling loved by his creator. For once he wants to be important to someone, to be useful and seen.

This need of his has been building up for centuries, and now he finally gave in to it. God was it pathetic. The title angel should have never been given to the likes of him, he truly was the one mistake of god. Despite all that you couldn’t deny it, the way he panicked was a little cute. It made your stomach feel butterflies, or was it something? The knowledge that all of this was your work made you feel proud. What a wise decision it was to leave with him today, when he’s still the most unstable. Getting thrown into an unfamiliar environment, meeting all kinds of people that can kill you. Maybe you two were pretty similar after all.

You were planning on being nice to him, you really were, but not anymore after all this drama he caused. “Raphael what are you talking about? You don’t get to decide who I’m seeing!” The words that felt from your lips were like blades stabbing his chest, the filter you had was turned off now. “Be grateful, that someone like me is taking care of something so filthy like you! You know it yourself, you are miserable and vulgar, it’s so selfish of you to want to keep me to yourself.” If he was going to let himself run wild like that, he also had to expect some consequences. The face he pulled was priceless, truly youthful greatest joy now. Tears dropped down his cheeks, you were enjoying yourself again, just like three weeks ago. Yes, this was the feeling you desperately missed.

“Such a pathetic being like you is destined to end up like this. Giving yourself up for me, isn’t it only natural? God favours me and not you.” That was a statement you highly doubted, since you weren’t exactly happy about being down here. Nonetheless, you said it just to make your little dove more miserable. Then you cupped his red and warm face, it was completely drenched in his tears now. His eyes looked tired, he seems to be so done with everything, so you cooed at him, “how pitiful you look…If I own you, you will finally find a purpose in that worthless life of yours again. If you give me your everything, naturally I’ll give you something worthy of it too. You can have an ounce of my affection, isn’t it great? Such a high reward for something like you!”

This was inexplainable, whenever it came to him you were like a different person. Ruining him, breaking him, hurting him, all of this became your favourite hobby. You aren’t a sadist, you are only like this with him! You are a good person, you are saving everyone in hell! It seems even you has lost your mind now. How are you going to return to earth with this mindset? The two of you were a match made from the depths of hell, a place not even god dared to enter. A truly beautiful and twisted bridge full of thorns. Instead of fighting together you made him clear the way for you, only to push him into the deadly river afterwards. Why you’d go this far? Honestly you didn’t have a good reason, it was all done for the sake of your enjoyment. “You aren’t enough Raphael, you are never enough.” A soft smile appeared on your face as you chuckled. This was fulfilling, but that blackhole inside you ached for more. “I’m so sorry Raphael, that you were born, and that you have to keep living. I’m begging you, please be lonely forever. Do it for me?”

Raphael was sobbing quietly, yet his features didn’t tell he was sad, instead relief was written all over his face. He didn’t know why, but you were dazzling right now. When you touched him it felt like the hand of god, you were his replacement for his lord. “I know it hurts, it will only get worse from here on, but soon you’ll be craving the pain.” You whispered, wiping his tears away with tender movements. “Please endure all of this and live miserable with me for a long time.” Stay with you, forever, that was all he heard. He filtered the words out he didn’t want to hear, then he gave you a meek smile. How adorable, so damn cute you won’t ever let go of him. You caressed his cheeks from above, smiling back at him. No one could understand the relationship of you two, it was something truly unique and wonderful. Who would have thought that the bunny and the wolf ended up together?

“y/n, do you love me?” Raphael asked, it looks like he finally calmed down. How strange that such words were able to help him. Or it broke him more, who knows. You had to think about what to say, the feelings you experienced when you were with him, the ache you felt and how you wanted to do so many things to him. After a few moments, you eventually came to the conclusion this must be love. Love makes one crazy, if this isn’t love, then what is it? It would mean it was something much more sinister, and that didn’t have a nice sound to it. Maybe it was just a mutual reliance, each one takes something from the other they desperately need while hurting all the involved parties as they do. Even if that was the truth, you couldn’t care less. All you wanted to do was to hold him while he repeats the words, ‘I’m yours’. You kissed his forehead, then answered with a ‘yes’. He pulled you towards him and both of you fell onto the bed, it bounced a little due to your weights. Then, Raphael hugged you tightly as he whispered, “I’m glad. I love you too.”

#whb #what in hell is bad #rara whb #what in hell is bad rara #whb raphael #what in hell is bad raphael #raphael #whb rara #okay I’m going to rant more in the tags #the scene where they got out of the hospital #first I made it killing stalking style that he had to crawl cuz it was so bad #then I made it that reader got him a wheelchair #had to rewrite that shit three times cuz I wasn’t satisfied #at the end I only wrote dialogue at first #that’s why they talk so much out of nowhere #the text and vibe was inspired from a cover #love me love me love from nerissa ravencroft #it’s really great #then I had struggles making this fluff cuz what about it is fluff???#also I almost trailed into smut #like Raphael just begging us to fuck him #to make him forget all the suffering and pain #I also had to search up so many things like #what happens when you lost a part of your body #how does being dependant and toxic feel #mental breakdown and how that feels what you do #anyway as you can see I had problems oh my lord #end of my rant :>

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my-rose-tinted-glasses · 4 months

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My memory is terrible so I wanted to do a breakdown of my stuff every once in a while. Might be monthly, might be whenever I feel like it.

BL - Currently Watching

7 Days Before Valentine [11/12] - Unlike some other shows, this one is actually getting better towards the end. I appreciate that Sunshine did some self reflection and became a better human being and I really enjoy the visuals here. Also, 7 days before valentine we will watch the finale, so that's neat.

Cherry Magic Th [7/12]– I like what the thai version is doing with the source material, I think they are being really smart and I'm so happy I got to watch the shopping date and the helicopter ride that were missing from the japanese live action.

Cherry Magic Anime [4/12]– I'm enjoying all the parallels way too much. Part of me wishes that it had stayed closer to the manga but since I get that also from Thailand, I can't complain.

Cooking Crush [9/12]– My expectations weren’t as low as maybe other people because I'm a OffGun fan but I am enjoying this show way more than I thought. It’s so refreshing to see good communication and well rounded characters that are given the space to work stuff out and be honest with each other. I feel for Samsee, cause, been there.

Dead Friend Forever [6/12]– this show continues to surprise me every week. I’m a big horror and slasher fan so for the premise alone I was gonna watch it. But I’m liking the way they chose to structure this story, moving from the slasher bit to the past at that moment was really smart. The visuals are so strong in this and I’m enjoying the communal murdering impulses towards the original friend group.

Ossan's Love Returns [3/12] - It’s chaos but the kind that only Japan can get away with for me. That season opener alone would’ve made me stop watching if it wasn’t for that. But the thing about these characters for me is that they get to be this ridiculous because it’s all grounded in such heart and kindness towards each other. It's a balancing act that only Japan can deliver at this level.

Playboyy [10/14] – I applaud the effort to make something new and out of the bl box, I think the show is trying to talk about interesting things and there are moments where the visuals are very strong. However, the acting is the weakest part of the whole thing and so I cannot connect to the characters, which leaves the whole experience kinda empty for me.

Although I Love You, and You? [3/10]- Japan my beloved. What’s there to say? Sakae is my new favourite boy and I’m really enjoying these two bridging the gap in their personalities.

The Sign [10/12]– Phaya and Tharn are delightful. Yai is the bestest boy ever. But there’s too many loose threads considering we only have 2 episodes left. There’s still to much going on and the investigation part of it just seems too disconnected for me to care. I really hope they're not counting on a special or a second season to wrap this up.

BL - Finished

Last Twilight – No need to repeat myself. here and here

Love for Love's Sake - What a wonderful surprise this was. Yeo Woon is one of the most adorable characters of all time and I seriously cannot handle it. From the beginning there was always a cloud over the whole story and I think in the end it all came together really well, to give us a happy ending that feels earned. Also really appreciated the way the story dealt with the triangle. Most of the time I hate them with a passion so I was really happy that Sang Won didn't just disappear and stayed in the group and kept teasing Yeo Woon. And now I'm just suppose to move on?

Night Dream – I liked the beginning a lot, but, as it’s becoming increasingly frequent, it dipped as it approached the end and although I liked how it finished I wasn’t a fan of the path to get there. Time skip once again not used well.

Sahara Sensei to Toki-kun - I have not seen the finale yet but I didn't want to wait so I might update this post when I watch it. However, Toki is my favourite boy, and I just want him to be happy.

VIP Only – Cute but ultimately forgettable.

Rose Watches OJBL

So this month I started my journey into older jbl stuff in order to have a bigger understanding of the landscape and what came before. With the help of the amazing @twig-tea I've started this journey with 2 films: Ai no Kotodama (2008) - Such a wonderful way to start this adventure. Really enjoyed this film. Without spoiling it, I understand that the beginning of the film might turn some people off of it but I think it's actually really smart and purposeful. I would definitely recommend it.

No Touching At All (2014) - Also really enjoyed this one. The direction is really interesting I thought. I feel it's all very intentional and it reflects very well the characters state of mind.

And because Cherry Magic opened the anime gates I also watched:

Given (2019) - This is SO GOOD. This show rewired my brain. Just now I was listening to THE SONG and I got emotional again. Every once in a while I enter this mindset where I feel like nothing that I watch can surprise me anymore. Then I watched this show. My thoughts after watching can be found here.

Not BL - Watched this month

The Killing Vote Taxi Driver 2 Vigilante Fermat no Ryori

Well, that's it I guess. Now I have to go and make some Love for Love's Sake gifs because I just can't move on and need to live there a little longer. Speaking of gifs, I'm always happy to take gif requests so let me know.

💜💜💜

#rose rambles #rosy watchlist #7 days before valentine #love for love's sake #pit babe the series #playboyy the series #although i love you and you #cherry magic th #cherry magic anime #no touching at all #Ai no Kotodama #given anime #the sign #ossan's love #cooking crush #multi bl #Rose Watches OJBL

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writers-potion · 4 months

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⏱︎ ⩇⩇:⩇⩇ How to Write Faster! ▶️

Productivity is something that I, as a writer, have not been able to achieve for years. If you are someone who has great plans but is always defeated by your own lazy brain, let's try:

01. Writing Sprints (+pomodoro writing)

Make use of 10/15/20 minute writing sprints with a word count goal. It doesn't matter if what you write is not entirely coherent! You'll have the time to fix it in between sessions and later when you edit.

If you aren't a fan of timers going off every ten minutes, try 25-5/ 45-15/50-10 pomodoro sessions.

02. Use Music

Slap your headphones on with your favourite music.

Or even better, create a playlist that represents your story's vibe and keep it on replay.

03. Take Notes + Create an Outline

Gather notes and ideas about what you want to write beforehand to wrap your mind around the content.

Create a detailed outline of your chapter. If you need external reference, open those links before your start to avoid digging for resources in the middle of your writing session.

03. Set Specific Deadlines

Set deadlines with regular intervals. For me, I try to keep up a regular posting schedule on Wattpad so that I don't disappoint my audience (albeit small, very small)

Rather than just saying, "I'll really finish my book this year," have a breakdown of mini-goals that'll take you to the stars, step by step.

04. Enroll in a writing class/critique group

It's hard to keep yourself accountable, so this is a great way to get some external motivation.

If you need to show your writing to others, you are more likely to work harder to achieve a level of quantity and quality! They are a great source of learning nd feedback, too.

05. Remove distractions

The environment in which you write is important. Get your annoying housework done, make coffee, get the snacks you know you're going to start craving.

Keep your butt stuck to your chair as you write. If you're someone who likes the quiet, get some noise cancelling.

06. No Editing!

This is a popular one! Don't stop after every two sentences to see if your story is flowing the right way.

Save your edits for your future self.

07. Find your best time

Try to write as regularly as possible. Experiment with different times (morning? lunchtime? after dinner? before you go to bed? 3AM? - okay maybe not this one) to see which window offers the best level of concentration.

Also, look for the best place to write.

08. Play typing games (+ignore typos)

If you feel that your fingers are physically failing you, try improving the accuracy and speed of your fingers by practicising your typing games. Especially if you are someone who write in more than two langauges, improve the speed for the language you mightn't be as strong at.

Also, ignore spellchecks when you are pushing out the first draft. You can always come back to them later.

If you like my blog, buy me a coffee☕ and find me on instagram! 📸

🖱️References

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-write-faster

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glade-constellation · 4 months

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I had a feeling an episode like this was going to happen. I also had a feeling that no one was going to help Eclipse.

There so much I want to say about Eclipse right now. He’s losing himself, both to whoever is controlling him and to his own paranoia. He’s desperate at this point, and not just to find out who brought him back.

As he said before he died, he is tired.

You can hear it in his voice, in the way he says things. You can see it in the way he’s acting. Eclipse is teetering on the edge of being suicidal, and probably would have done so had he not realized he probably wouldn’t stay dead.

•

Eclipse : “I shouldn’t be alive.“

Moon : “Uh huh. So how ‘bout we get this over with. You tell us where you are, we come kill you, job done.”

Eclipse : “No no no. You see, I thought about that a little. But I imagine if I just came back through thin air, I’d probably just come back again, wouldn’t I?”

•

Just look at the way he worded that last part. He’s already thought over that exact scenario. And it wasn’t just a casual “I know they would try to kill me”. He thought it over multiple times, he mulled over it. Eclipse points out the fact that he wouldn’t stay dead. It’s not a taunt like you would expect from him, he’s stating it as a fact. He already contemplated his death. He knew he would have died, but realized it probably wouldn’t last.

It sounds more like he would have counted on them doing so if he showed up, but knew he would just come right back.

He doesn’t want to be back. He currently is loathing his existence. He won’t admit it yet, he still has some pride left in him, but it’s pretty apparent. He keeps questioning why he’s back and who would even want to bring him back. More than likely, he wants to know these things so he can make it stop. Find the source, cut it off, then he can rest.

We’re so close to seeing him have his breakdown moment. I’m hoping that he goes to the others for help as well. It would be interesting to see their reaction, especially when learning they all have been contacted by Eclipse for help. Maybe then they’ll realize something is wrong. I’m partially hoping he finally breaks when he goes to Lunar and Earth, as a last resort, and Lunar vehemently denies him help. Earth has her problems with Eclipse, but is probably the only one who would be willing to help.

#🌟 Ten Talks #tsams #sams #the sun and moon show #sun and moon show #tsams eclipse #cw sui ideation #tw sui ideation

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you-know-honey · 5 months

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A Pɑct With The Rɑin

Rain x f!reader

Sumary: Demons don't know love, so what would our nervous, timid ghoul do when feeling such a strong emotion?

Word Count: 9914

Note: bad english, I try to describe as best I can a nervous breakdown based on my own experience but since I always forget those moments I will do my best.

Rain moved the fork back over the plate, causing an awkward sound that was ignored by everyone else at the table. It was strange for him not to have even touched the portion of paella that was on his plate, he was just carrying the grains of rice back and forth and at this point she was sure that it was completely cold. She sighed and she took a long sip of water.

She was hungry but found herself unable to take a bite of any food, even if she was his favorite, which happened to be paella.

No one had asked him if there was something wrong with him, anyway he wasn't sure he could give an answer to that question.

"I'm leaving," she gave up and extended the plate toward the center of the table.

That was the first time everyone turned to see him. It already seemed strange to them that if he hadn't finished all the paella portions by himself, leaving food on the plate would be much more strange.

"What are you taking about?" Sodo replied, bringing the plate back to Rain, he still had half of his food on his plate. "Don't be stupid, you must take care of your vessel"

Rain looked at his plate for a few seconds before looking back at Sodo. He was right, he had been avoiding touching food for days, perhaps the lack of food caught his attention more than his strange state but it didn't seem to work.

"It cold" he answered simply. He wasn't in the mood to talk more than necessary.

"So? Don't expect me to heat it up? Go to the microwave."

Rain sighed, lifting his shoulders and letting them fall heavily. He took the plate from him and walked to the microwave.

The device was next to the bar where the brothers who had arrived late were putting food on their trays.

They all ate together, ghouls, sisters and brothers of sin. Scrambled in a huge dining room with long wooden tables, the windows were so high up that the sunlight didn't shine where it should. But Cumulus had made some strange contraption with mirrors and now it practically illuminated the entire place.

That reminded Rain of how weird it was to eat all together but basically ignore each other after walking through the door. The ghouls were of the same rank as the other inhabitants of the abbey, except clearly the Popes or Sister Imperator. They never ate with others, Rain remembered a meeting room in the papal pavilion that they rarely used for dinner. Although they always ended badly.

He rested one of his hands on the wall behind the microwave and put the plate inside, taking a few seconds to decide the perfect temperature, hoping that it wouldn't be dry or cold inside, in the best case scenario that it wouldn't explode.

"Rain?"

Oh no….

He recognized that voice. His tail tensed and a shiver ran through his body slowly. He moved his hand away from the wall as if it were burning him and desperately searched around him, among the sea, for the brothers and sisters of sin at the source of that voice.

He met her in line, waving with her free hand. And it all started.

His hands began to sweat uncontrollably, his feet demanded that he run but his legs felt weak at any moment, his stomach felt empty but filled with a strange fluttering, cold currents ran through him one after another, his heart seemed to stop and then run wild, his breath held in his mouth….

Her mind felt overwhelmed and she took advantage of the moment when you turned to choose what kind of soda to drink to run away.

She abandoned her plate of paella and crossed the doors with a skill she didn't know she had, almost carrying a sister of sin between her feet.

She ran as far as she could until she reached the library where he hid behind one of the bookshelves, holding her chest until her breathing began to calm down. A look of frustration appeared on her face as she slid to the floor and wrapped her cloak around herself to avoid the sunlight, although with the lack of cleaning of the windows it wasn't very necessary.

The library in the west wing was abandoned, he didn't even know it existed until he saw it from the bell tower. At that time he didn't know it was a library because of the amount of dirt on the windows. It was filled inside with enormous stone gargoyles that hung from the walls, yellowish bones and non-human or animal made up the chandeliers that had stopped having candles for years, the books inside that library were large and heavy, capable of disappearing if he sneezed. He didn't like making noise, he had taken it as his little secret place. Because of the strange air currents and the cold that seeped through the walls even if it was midsummer.

He decided to use it as a secret place the first night he began to feel the terrible symptoms of his mysterious illness.

He started spontaneously.

You rolled up the sleeves of your habit to continue taking clothes out of the dryer in a hurry, the afternoon sun was the most efficient, although for you it didn't last long enough. You didn't like the assigned task at all, it was humiliating.

It wasn't the clothes. You were bothered by the reason why you ended up washing dirty habits. During a Black Mass some idiot had slid his finger from your spine to your butt when you stood up to recite a song with the rest of your sisters. You reacted before thinking and let your fist hit the guy's face accompanied by the insult 'Stronzo' that came out of your mouth in Italian, to which everyone turned around amazed to hear those words from your mouth.

The guy got cold feet when he felt all the eyes on you and honestly so did you. In the end the only idiot there was you.

Sister Superior scolded you horribly when everything was over and as punishment you had to wash the clothes of the brothers who had been offended by your words, especially the cretin who touched your butt. You swore intermittently like an impressive faith but you didn't believe they would listen to your prayers.

Those guys seemed to take advantage of the opportunity and dirty as many clothes as possible to order you veritable mountains of bedding with suspicious stains, rock-hard stockings, and tunics with wine on them.

"Idiots," you muttered as you grabbed the last basket of linens and walked towards the hidden part of the garden that was lined with clotheslines.

You began to place one neatly white sheet after another, securing them to the rope. At least when they were all dry everything would be over for you and you would surely find a way to get back at them.

You sighed in relief before feeling a cold gust of wind that made the habit in your head fall behind your heels. I tear the sheets and other clothes violently. Ruffling your hair with malice.

You knew that kind of gale, and you just closed your eyes hoping it was a joke.

But it became clear not when thin drops of rain fell on the bridge of your nose. You looked at the sky and huge gray clouds began to gather excitedly over the sky. A thunderclap accompanied by more wind warned of the arrival of heavy rain.

"God you're a fucking son of a bitch." You smiled and felt the curtain of rain fall on you, on your hair and on your work.

You admitted it, it seemed as if God had punished your dirty mouth, sending you even more rain of drops as thick as pennies.

You ran from one place to another trying to grab as much clothing as possible, clutching it to your chest to prevent it from getting more wet, which didn't really matter because you yourself were starting to get soaked, your hair was sticking to your face, disturbing your vision.

You didn't give up even in your clothes that were clearly soaked. Your tears of frustration were confused with the raindrops that were sliding down your face.

Then everything stopped, you could still hear the patter of the rain falling but suddenly you no longer felt it and the aroma of wet earth and mud filled your nose.

"Are you OK?" You heard a sweet, soft male voice in the periphery.

At the entrance to the secret part of the garden there was a ghoul. Your breath held in your chest, normally you didn't interact with them, the other sisters said it wasn't convenient. But there he was, asking about your condition in an elegantly concerned tone.

He maintained a straight posture despite having his uniform soaked, one of his hands was extended to the sky and it seemed that perhaps that was what stopped the rain, you looked over your head and saw the drops of water breaking against an invisible ceiling. In the other hand he had a small bouquet of lilies of the valley, lavender and some mint leaves, the smell of those flowers and the earth under your feet helped you relax before answering.

You pushed away a wet strand of hair that was beginning to try to get into your mouth. "Did you do that?" You asked, curious rather than afraid of the demonstration of skill.

"Yes," he answered dryly, trying to formulate more than that word "it seemed like you had problems."

"Yes," you replied, "thank you for that." You smiled unconsciously.

He lowered his hand and approached you, his step was elegant, he walked with grace. He took the sheet in front of you and draped it over his arm.

"What are you doing?" The question was accompanied by a look of absolute surprise.

"Eh?" He seemed bewildered by your question "I'm trying to help, I thought… maybe you needed help" he excused himself, as he did so you could see his small fangs protruding from between his lips.

You couldn't help but examine him curiously, you had never been even remotely close to a ghoul.

“Thank you,” you whispered as you pulled back another bedsheet.

He was cute, you couldn't deny that, he wore his uniform immaculately despite dripping water. He had a beard that was just forming and his wavy hair fell short on his shoulders completely dry. You admired on his head some small black horns speckled with some blue dots that became accentuated when they reached the tips and seemed to shine and although it was something you had never seen before, what surprised you most was seeing his tail swinging behind.

"Excuse me…are you…" You heard him and realized that you were looking at him without any shame. He seemed a little embarrassed and his pointed ears were dyed a light blue blush.

"I'm sorry," you apologized and began to continue removing the sheets and clothes.

The silence wasn't awkward but it wasn't something you'd like either. You turned to go back to the laundry room but you collided with someone's chest and a mint smell invaded your nose.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to help you-"

You tried not to hold on to him and stand on your own but your feet slipped and you knew you would end up on the ground. You had no choice but to hold on to the vest. They both fell to the ground with the sound of a gasp coming from both of their throats. You felt his hands wrap around your waist as if he was also trying to catch you when you fell.

You started to laugh when you saw how the clothes in your hands were covered in mud when they fell. The ghoul next to you looked at you completely strange before laughing with you and after a few minutes you were both trying to catch your breath lying on the ground.

"What is your name?" You asked, turning around and throwing the sheets somewhere.

You would then take care of washing those missing pieces again and if not, you could buy others. The demon seemed surprised by your question, even with both of you on the ground.

"Rain" he responded and a light blue blush rose to his cheeks and ended in a cute smile.

You smiled, it was a sweet name and quite fitting for the situation. A giggle escaped your lips and Rain's smile trembled.

"It is funny?" I ask you.

"Not at all. It's a nice name Rain. Very fitting for this I would say" you pointed to the rain on both of you that still didn't touch you.

"What is your name?" He asked back and you couldn't deny that the blush on your ears was cute as hell.

"Y/N" you answered simply, there was nothing special about your name like there was about Rain's.

"I like it, it's cute" he responded with a full fanged smile.

"Thank you" you leaned back on your elbows, you could feel the water draining from your neck to your waist and I couldn't even imagine how horrible your hair must look, wet, tangled and full of mud. "Satan…what a shame…" you murmured.

You usually didn't get along with strangers. Meeting new siblings always represented a risk for you but with the water demon by your side none of that happened, you were comfortable and it was not at all like the sisters had described it to you.

"You know…" he turned to look at you, leaning back on his elbows as well, he didn't seem to care that his spotless suit was now stained with mud and weeds everywhere. "You're not at all like the other sisters describe you."

"They describe us?" He looked surprised and his tail rested on her thigh.

"Yes. They say they are flirtatious, even more so than Terzo or that they have a horrible temper and-"

Rain started to laugh, at first he tried to hide it but finally he burst into laughter.

"Who told you that?" she asked as he recovered from his fit of laughter. "It's half true"

"Half?" You felt a little silly saying it, but curiosity was your great quality.

He settled better on the floor, sitting with his legs crossed and you did the same without really knowing why, although you could notice how long his legs were and how his hands were fine and thin.

"Swiss is the one who flirts" he laughed again and looked behind him as if he hoped no one was after him "Sodo is the one with the horrible temper…between you and me" he got close enough to whisper in your ear, telling you a secret "We call him gremlin" his laugh resonated in your ear canal and it seemed even softer and sweeter.

They laughed together, they chatted for so long that the moon welcomed them and only then did you realize how late it was and how the cold was beginning to penetrate your bones thanks to your wet clothes. You didn't want to stop talking to him, he was interesting and everything that came out of his mouth never stopped surprising you.

You learned more that night about demons than in all your demonology classes. Although you only learned more about a certain water demon.

You discovered his love for lakes in the summer, he didn't like public pools because of their dirt and since there wasn't one in the ministry, he would drive hours to get to a lake on the outskirts of the city.

His collection of river stones and seashells, he even showed you some photos on his cell phone.

His love for books (if it's about sea adventures, even better)

And he destroyed the mystery of the Loch Ness Monster, assuring you that there was nothing and that humans were very imaginative.

His love for lilies of the valley and as always he asked Mountain to grow some.

He showed you photos of the shark-shaped lights that he had and that he only needed one to finish his collection, in addition to the stuffed animals. Sliding the screen to show them to you but a group photo from a sleepover was posted, he was asleep and a boy with vitiligo was putting makeup on him in an exaggerated way.

You laughed when you saw that photo and he passed it on as fast as he could.

"Sorry, I didn't know that was there." Rain moved some things around on her phone, maybe changing the folder photo.

"You can tell they're having a good time," you responded, trying to contain your laughter because your stomach was starting to hurt.

You never stopped listening to him, your eyes looked at him in amazement like those of a deer dazzled by a car.

Then you felt that strange sensation in your lungs, the itch in your nose and finally the result, a loud sneeze.

"Are you OK?" He asked, it didn't bother him that you had basically sneezed on him. His tail moved cautiously through the wet grass and approached your skin, feeling it cold. "Satan…you're going to catch a cold in those soaked clothes"

Rain stood up, Ilgiving you his hand to lift you off the ground.

"It's nothing, it's just cold" you tried to say but your nose was already stuffed up.

"It's a cold"

"And what about all this?" You pointed out the majority of dry sheets that you managed to get out in time and the poor ones that were left on the floor with you.

Rain didn't know what else to say, because of how your skin had felt, it was already too late to avoid the cold and if it hadn't been for the fact that he had started a very pleasant chat with you, you would have finished your work several hours ago.

"I'll help you. It's the least I can do after entertaining you for so long."

You really appreciated the help. And getting to work together they began the work, Rain elegantly folded the sheets, much better than you could have done, you did the least laborious part and picked up the sheets that were still hanging on the clothesline. He didn't speak during the task, something you were a little grateful for, since you didn't see yourself able to complete the task if he opened his mouth. They simply sent each other smiles every time their gazes connected.

You didn't want him to notice that you were dying of cold, your legs felt numb and you had to hold back some sneezes. Although without knowing it he already felt all this, he was deeply saddened and when he finished folding the sheets he walked towards you, he couldn't let you freeze from the cold in those dirty and soaked clothes.

You struggled a little with the sheet that finally split and fell into your arms. When you looked up, his chest was the first thing you saw. "Damn!" You gasped exhilarated and fortunately that time you didn't slip. "How are you so silent? You're going to scare me to death." You placed a hand on your chest, trying to relax your heart.

Rain let out a soft laugh. Music for your ears.

"Of course I don't want to kill you. You're soaked, I'm going to help you."

Before your amazed eyes he opened the palm of his hand and some raindrops began to fall on your palm, forming a puddle. It was as if he had opened a small window in the strange, invisible 'roof' that he had placed over the garden. The water fell and the puddle formed an even larger sphere of water.

"It's magic…" you were unable to get out of your admiration for everything that was happening.

"Something like that" the path behind you, now you could hear his footsteps on the wet earth.

The small window closed and you felt a cold hand slide over your shoulder.

"What are you doing?" you asked surprised, trying not to give in to the urge to turn around.

"I will clean the mud"

His words were simple, he didn't say more than what was necessary even if that left you with more doubts in your head. So you let him do whatever he planned.

You felt your hair move, some grass blades fell to the ground next to you. You were as still as a statue. The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you felt the water seeping through your locks, you felt it move, dance in your hair, clean every bit of mud that remained and extract all the water until it was completely dry.

Rain sighed.

You couldn't avoid it anymore. You turned. He was startled, between them there was a sphere of water dirty with mud. Your hand went to your hair, it was dry, silky and shiny.

"You-? How did-?" You couldn't complete any sentence. Your hair was as beautiful as if you had paid for a luxury hair treatment.

"Will you let me finish?" He smiled. That silly smile that didn't come out of his mouth.

"Uh-huh…" you turned around again, keeping more questions in your head.

You couldn't feel it but you knew that something was happening and you just had to look down to see the sphere moving all over your clothes and leaving them clean and dry in its wake, the water rotated on itself, you were more than amazed watching it rise through your habit. .

A squeal left your mouth as the sphere slid down your back.

"Very cold?" Rain asked.

You nodded.

The water became warm and continued its journey through the habit, the sensation was strange. You felt the water pass through your entire body, making your skin crawl completely. You stayed calm as much as you could because you didn't want to burden him with questions so you just let the magic continue.

The sphere of water moved until it was in front of you, the water was dirty but somehow not stirred. The mud was at the bottom and reminded you of a snow globe.

A body behind you advanced until it was close and rested its chin on your shoulder.

"Yes, you can touch it."

You gently moved your index finger towards the sphere, it felt normal, but there was something that made you know that there was more to it than water and mud.

The sphere fell to the ground and the earth absorbed the water. A sigh stuck in your throat.

"You don't seem very happy…" Rain asked in your ear.

"Can everyone do magic like that? Is it a gift or something? How do you make water have a shape? I felt something else inside the water, was there something?-" He cut you short, he knew you would have questions but you were starting to blurt out one after another another hastily.

"It's a gift, it's no big deal" You were surprised how he acted as if it were something X and unimportant. I must have been used to those things but for you it was simply magical.

"If it wasn't a big deal I could do those things. It's special" The blush returned to his cheeks, although you couldn't see it.

The first butterfly had been born in his stomach and fluttered.

"I must go," the sensation alerted Rain, like a cat's intuition alerts her. He thought maybe something bad was happening with him, although it probably wasn't anything serious.

"Because?" You asked quickly, it was late but you wanted to hear him a little more.

Rain pointed to a lighted window far away, it was the wing of the ghouls, separated from the others. "Too late, I must return to them." You sighed secretly, it made sense and even you yourself had to go back inside.

You nodded as he walked backwards back to where he entered. "Thank you for the help Rain, and for the class on demons."

“Sleep well Y/N.”

That was what he expected to hear, a smile formed on his face and he turned to leave. He disappeared into the night and mist shortly after.

As soon as he left you could notice how sore your cheeks were from smiling so much all that time. It had been totally worth it even so, Rain had been a most kind and chivalrous ghoul, you had sighed more in his presence than in that of anyone else, he was a huge well of knowledge and you were very interested. The night and its breeze embraced you, it was cold, your fingers were cold. You walked straight to the entrance when something caught your attention in the corner of your eye.

You turned to get a better look under the poor moonlight. A small bouquet lying on the grass, fresh and shiny from the cold dew.

"Oh no…" Rain must have left it there when they sat on the grass and then completely forgotten.

You took it and the perfume of the mind quickly entered your nostrils, it was quite comforting. Maybe it even reminded you of the smell that surrounded Rain.

He was a good boy, a true gentleman, from his attire to the way he spoke and especially the way he acted. It made you smile just thinking about it. You hoped that this encounter wouldn't just be a one-night thing.

"I'm here!" Rain pronounced as he entered the room and left his muddy boots at the entrance with the rest.

"Where were you? The tea got cold." Mountain appeared in the kitchen doorway, with his apron on, along with the smell of pasta.

"I picked some flowers…" she tried to decide if she should say everything that had happened or just leave the sentence hanging.

"And the flowers?" asked Phantom who was walking along the high ceiling of the living room together with Aurora, both of them touching up the paintings of the Milky Way that the latter had made. Rain realized it was true, her empty hands reminding him of what her mission was supposed to have been.

He was very amazed, he was rare in forgetting things. He had come to that part of the garden by mere chance while he was enjoying the rain and stealing some plants from Mountain's garden. Seeing you surprised him, he could identify your tears from the rain while you ran from one side to the other grabbing sheets. No Sister of Sin had really interacted with him, but he wasn't a monster and helping you wouldn't bother him. And then he had just let himself go, the sensation of it reminding him of the comfort he felt when he was underwater.

"I forgot, I guess…" his voice wavered.

Aurora made a clearly strange face. That was not normal for him.

"Dinner will be soon, can you tell the others?" Mountain asked as he stirred the pasta and took out plates.

Rain nodded.

He walked down the hallway until he reached the living room. Sodo was covered in blankets in front of the TV, playing Mario Card with Cirrus and apparently he was having a bad streak, Cumulus was lying on the couch playing with a gust of air between her fingers while laughing at Sodo's stupid expression.

"But what the hell is that horrible smell?" Sodo asked, turning his head like an owl in the direction of Rain who felt his skin crawl.

"Mountain says dinner will be soon" Rain repeated as he retreated to his room.

"Take a shower! I don't know what you smell like but I don't want to smell something like that at dinner!" Sodo shouted as he continued trying to recover in the game.

Did he smell like something? Rain couldn't understand what he meant by that. No one had told him that he smelled like anything, especially something unpleasant. Although knowing Sodo even the most delicious smell would be horrible in his nostrils.

When he arrived at his room he opened the door and the pre-recorded sound of the ocean wave greeted him. He had a slight dim light in the room and little by little he turned on each little shark light and smiled instinctively. His mind was filled with images of the little adventure he had had that night in the garden.

"Y/N…" he uttered out of inertia, savoring the name between his lips.

Then a flutter of wings turned his stomach. His smile faltered, I thought maybe it was hunger. But when the memories came back to spin in his mind. His face forced him to smile like a fool and the fluttering returned, accompanied this time by another, they danced in his stomach with emotion.

Rain lay back on the bed, somewhat scared. He felt waves of excitement and euphoria hit the shores of his mind and distort memories into imaginative scenarios that had never happened, but there was definitely something in common about them. The echo of your laughter or a quick flash of your eyes or the image of your hands in the thick water.

Rain was really scared, unable to move in bed or scream for help. He was trapped in his mind and the cold spasms his body caused her, a strange way to get the euphoria out of his body. He barely knew basic human emotions, this was new. He made him dizzy like a fever of ecstasy. His body began to tremble. The smile didn't go away, somehow he liked the feeling, maybe because it was new or because they had something in common. You.

After a while everything calmed down and he was able to move his body with ease, he was breathing heavily while a drop of sweat rolled down his face.

The episode had passed or so he thought.

He wanted to remember the events of the day, but every time he tried those strange sensations came back to the surface.

"Rain hasn't arrived?" Mountain asked as she served plates full of pasta on the table. "I thought I would be the first at the table."

"I'll go get it." Swiss got up out of nowhere, he had arrived recently. He walked quickly straight to the ghoul room but there was an essence in the environment that revived his own memories and that made his spine and tail bristle equally.

When he reached the door he could hear the panting inside the room. When he opened the door he was hit hard by the essence of a human emotion that he knew very well by then.

He found Rain sweating, lying on the bed on his back, panting and in a state of agitation that was just beginning to subside.

"Rain…are you okay?" Swiss asked, trying to keep his tone cheerful.

He stood up quickly with one hand on his chest as if he were trying to keep his heart inside the flesh of his body. "Of course"

He seemed to have panicked and started looking for more comfortable clothes in his closet, completely avoiding Swiss's gaze.

That was the first night, and things hadn't stopped.

When you handed him the bouquet the day after your meeting at breakfast, a blush rose to his cheeks but he accepted it with pleasure.

When they walked through the garden chatting freely, a flutter was added to his stomach, a sign that if he had taken it at that moment he would not be where he was.

The more they met and spent time together, the more Rain felt flutters inside her stomach, at first she thought that maybe her body was being attacked by some disease but that was quickly ruled out. Then a worse idea crossed her mind, maybe it wasn't the body that was sick, maybe he himself was sick and that terrified him more than any symptom. She immediately thought that if the Clergy found out that he was 'broken' he would be returned to hell and even though it was his home he did not want to return. He didn't want to leave them. He didn't want to leave you.

At first he thought he could solve it himself, find the reason for his 'symptoms' and eliminate the root of the problem. But when his investigations pointed to you he stopped.

He understood everything when during the summer he took you to the lake he used to go to, you accepted and like a gentleman he offered to teach you anything. He ignored the symptoms all that day as much as he could. He ignores the insomnia and excitement that kept him awake all night, the fluttering that became so strong as the scheduled time to leave approached, he ignored how his heart beat desperately when you took his hand with a backpack in hand like an angel. Coming down from the clouds, he controlled as best he could his gaze melting over you as he drove to the lake.

And he knew he wasn't that strong, because inside the water, with your hair floating above your head, covered by the faint sunlight at that depth, with your hands and legs clinging to his body so as not to move away, with your eyes on him. But above all with a nervous smile on his face, he knew that he couldn't bear it.

He held his hands on your hips, going up until he felt your ribs, feeling how they contracted every time you released air that turned into bubbles, he didn't understand how even under the cold water he felt like he was burning from the inside out, like the tranquility that he had always felt. Now it was devoured by a flame inside him, a flame that begged his skin to merge with yours, the fluttering in his stomach was so intense that it had made his brain dizzy, he felt primitive. But totally flooded by a need to possess, to take what those strange symptoms wanted and although you didn't notice it, his lost in you.

It was then when he realized that he couldn't be strong, not with you, these symptoms made him long for you with raw desperation, with total lack of control. He felt lost in your skin, in your eyes or in your voice. Possessed by a desire of unknown origin that he could not keep under control. Trapped by the instinct to possess you like a demon to an unusually good soul. He felt capable of ruining you, of taking all the air from your lungs and taking your soul like a sip of life in a certainty of death.

He couldn't ruin you like that. But he couldn't stand feeling like he was allergic to your presence, your humanity, your soul.

"Fuck!" He screamed, feeling how the symptoms were coming back with excessive force from inside him. He hit his head against the wood of the shelf behind him, with enough force to splinter the wood and make it creak. He felt a warm liquid drip down his neck and down his back. He didn't care. He was tired of those symptoms. He preferred the pain physical to the torture that was brewing inside him.

He couldn't stand them, they overwhelmed him, there was a slight sensation that he could define as happiness but it was nothing compared to the rest of the whirlpool that trapped him. So he walked away completely, he avoided hearing you, seeing you or even feeling your presence nearby. But that was killing him from the inside, something inside him was gnawing at him, he couldn't help but look at things that reminded him of you, even outside the Ministry there were things that he had bought for the mere fact of thinking that you would like them.

He tries to talk about this with Phantom, since he was a quintessential ghoul, but he, being new, does not know what he is and is embarrassed to confess that he is "defective" to others. Especially Sodo, he trusted him but when he was upset he used to reveal secret information, he didn't do it as a bad friend, it was just difficult to close that sharp mouth when he was angry.

He slammed his head again harder than before against the wood, pushing that 'analysis' out of his mind to relax his heart in his chest. Causing one of those heavy books to fall to the ground with a loud, dusty crash.

He got up heavily, he couldn't mess up that place too much or someone would know that he had been visiting.

The book was heavy and older than expected, made of some type of metal which surprised him. He passed his hand along the corner of the deck, it had been many centuries since he had seen something like that, he thought that things like that were still lost in the tomb of the pharaohs. The lid was made of obsidian, and the leaves were silver with carvings in a language now lost. His hand slid faster than it should and he opened a clean cut on his fingers.

"Ugh" he quickly moved his hand away from the book. The feeling of physical harm was not something she liked, in general having a human vessel was a strange feeling. A drop of blood fell on the cover, revealing an unusual shine.

Rain was curious, if it weren't for his current situation he would have gone through every book in the library. He hold the book to the dim glow of light from the dirty window. Carved on the obsidian was a snake coiled at the bottom of a pit in what seemed to be a cave, with rubies in its eyes, a very long row of teeth and emerald scales. The book must have been worth a real fortune, but it must have been more valuable in another way so Sister Imperator wouldn't have auctioned it off to gain more funds for the Ministry.

Him blood ran down to the beast's mouth and he seemed to see a gleam in her eyes. A cold ran down her back, she could only buy it with the abyssal coldness of the ocean.

He didn't dare open the book. Something inside him told him that he should keep his distance. His tail tightened around his chest in fear.

He pushed the book back to his place.

"What the fu..?" He asked himself as he felt that he was hitting bottom much earlier than he should, since he still stood out from the rest. Rain preciono el libro con mas fuerza hasta escuchar un mecanismo activarse.

The ground vibrated at his feet, he thought it was a tremor but nothing outside seemed to move, the stone walls next to him creaked and opened. Hitting Rain with a strong, salty breeze. The gills on his neck opened wide, showing that he somehow recognized that place.

He looked out a little, darkness greeted him, humidity dripped from the walls and some green algae were next to the moss on the steps carved into the rock that descended in a snail shape towards the depths.

He could hear the echo of the choppy water crashing against the steps, as if there were a coast in there.

Something was calling him inside, something was asking him to come in. Not like a ghoul, he asked him to come in as what he was, a water demon.

"Do you want answers?" whispered a foreign voice, a voice that came from that newly discovered passage."Don't you want to be fixed?.."

There was something he recognized in that deep, raspy voice. His own instinct forced him to take one step forward and then another. Going down the slippery stairs, while his gills were glad to feel the salty air. Darkness enveloped him completely but he could see perfectly into that dark place.

When he reached the bottom he could feel the sand under his skin and the light splash of salt water on his face.

"Hello?" He spoke to the emptiness of the place, his voice echoed in every stone of the cave and was carried by the tide.

The dark water swirled and from the depth emerged a scaly head, with bright ruby eyes and emerald scales, just like in the book.

"Do you want something…" he whispered, although the corners of his mouth didn't move. "There is something inside you…something is wrong with you my demon…" the creature mocked.

A sigh caught inside Rain's mouth and he fell to his knees on the wet gray sand.

"My lord Leviathan?" He asked fearfully, watching the small waves hit her knees.

She didn't expect to find his legion leader in a place like this. Was that his entrance to Earth for when Year Zero will arrive? A thousand questions ran through her mind, but above all he was terrified. His leader knew something was wrong inside him.

"Get in the water…" he murmured, wagging his tail at Rain, splashing water on her face. The being showed a grimace of disgust that wrinkled her face "You reject your nature" he spat the words with disgust. "Enter the water…I'm going to repair you"

"Will I go back to hell?" He asked fearfully, with his gaze still fixed on the ground, squeezing the sand under her fingers, possibly he wouldn't feel it again for a long time… maybe never again.

The being did not respond, it simply buried its head. He didn't like the questions, he knew it well, he had already given the order, if he wanted to get rid of this 'illness' everything would be normal again, he would be normal and he would be able to approach you again without those overwhelming symptoms.

I sigh and look at the stairs. Going back would be easy, disobeying and simply fixing it on his own was a few steps away but this was something he couldn't do, he wasn't that strong.

I slowly take his arms out of the jacket, accompanied by the shirt and vest, the belt, the pants and finally the shoes. His feet were refreshed by feeling the abyssal tide and in general his entire naked body responded with pleasure.

His tail unwraps from his chest, his gills and fins getting ready to return to his natural environment.

First he sinks his feet and with each step a feeling of drowsiness invades him, as if every nerve in his body had completely relaxed. The water covers his face and his lungs empty and close, he won't need them for a long time. Under water everything is different, each noise is heard differently. He was breathing again, swimming in an abyssal void.

He can see the ruby eyes at the bottom and swims towards it, hypnotized and wishing for a remedy for his 'illness'.

You ran as much as you could down every hallway you knew but nothing. No brother of sin could tell you anything about Rain and you weren't brave enough to ask the ghouls about it. There was only one way to try to find out where she was. The security cameras.

You were quite surprised by the ghoul's attitude, he had been spending an exquisite time together for months and out of nowhere he ran away from you as if you had leprosy. Although if you analyzed his behavior he had been quite strange lately. When they went to the lake he seemed quite tense and when you were in the water you had felt like you were prey in a lake of piranhas, on the way back he hadn't said a word other than a simple 'goodbye' when I'll leave you in your room.

You sighed when you reached the Security Room, you knocked on the door several times but no one opened, you knocked even harder, even hitting the door with the tip of your boot.

"What do you want?" asked an annoyed man as he finished taking a drag on his cigarette and put it out at the door, leaving a mark on the wood.

You tried to keep his gaze on him successfully.

"I need to see the cameras from this afternoon" You took a step forward with the intention of sneaking into the room but he denied you passage.

"Reason? I don't see any authorization card" he was quite arrogant and that bothered you.

You couldn't admit the real reason, a Sister of Sin shouldn't get involved with ghouls. So you lied about the one thing you couldn't play with.

"They've been stealing things from Sister Imperator's room," the veins in the guy's neck tightened, saying her name was like calling the devil, you prayed she wasn't around. You remained calm although inside you were nervous as hell.

He examined you for a couple of seconds before letting you in and closing the door behind you. You were stuck with him.

The room was small and quite uncomfortable, full of monitors on the walls and on the table, some were labeled with dirty adhesive tape, there was a horrible smell of cigarettes and you were sure that you would have to wash your habit as soon as you left that place. The guy was behind you, watching your every step.

" I Can?" you asked pointing to a chair to sit on.

"As you wish" he responded with disinterest.

You sat in front of one of the monitors that focused on one of the floors, the quality was not the best. The mouse was sticky and you really felt like throwing up when you touched it but you did your best and went back a couple of hours into the recording, a sigh stuck in your throat as you saw Rain running with a hand on his chest looking back like if someone followed him.

"A ghoul stole it?" the guy asked behind your back, you had almost forgotten he was there.

"No" you said dryly and continued searching but at some point he disappeared from the recordings. You were frustrated, Rain wasn't someone who played those kinds of childish games but you wouldn't give up.

"What's that?" You asked, turning in your chair and pointing to the largest screen, you had lines that delimited a building and letters inside the rooms as well as colored dots, some with numbers, others without.

"It's the monitoring screen, it says where the important people are." I hesitate to tell you, it wasn't something the brothers of sin should know.

"Okay…" your eyes moved eagerly looking for a blue dot on the huge map and you found it, blinking in a huge room.

You found it.

"I'm leaving" you said and approached the door quickly.

It wasn't difficult to find the place where it was, you had never been there and in fact you had to sneak through some secret corridors of the old abbey. But the feeling of entering that room was making you sick.

You felt as if you were in turbulent waters and your stomach was being encouraged to empty its contents, you were dizzy and your eyes felt blurry.

You weren't poisoned by any of the food, you knew well that those symptoms were caused by some strange force within the library. You walked through the hallways with as much haste as your weak state allowed.

"What is this?" Under your feet was a layer of water that emanated a salty and maritime smell, your boots squelched with each step as you approached the source.

A chill ran down your spine when you arrived, the stone was wet and you couldn't see anything at all in that darkness. Opened in the stone, some catacombs announced themselves before you with gusts of wind and the clear sound of the coast.

"Rain?" You muttered into the void, afraid to take the step and enter. "It's not funny." You felt stupid saying that. But you were sure that he was in there, you didn't know why but he was there.

You tried to take a timid step towards that darkness but you slipped on something and your hand held tightly to a protruding part of the stone, an echo resounded throughout the place lighting faint torches that shed their light on you and the silhouette of the place.

Your chest tightened, your mind screamed at you that you shouldn't be there and your feet just wanted to run away. But a flash glimpses in the corner of your eye and you turn.

You recognize that golden piece, even though it is far away you know what it is and your body runs towards it. Towards the small dark sand beach.

The blood in your veins travels faster as you approach, no matter how many times you slip, you fall to your knees on the pile of clothes.

You know who it belongs to, you search through it desperately as if you were going to find it deep down but you won't.

"Rain!" You scream but no one responds and the echo of the cave mocks your despair. "RAIN!" you shout, holding his shirt in your hands.

Nobody answers. The water shakes vigorously and you feel that a force from the depths invites you to enter.

The marine darkness scares you, you fear what's there, you fear being in that place… but you can't leave… not without him.

You take a sigh and crawl over the sand to the water, you carry his shirt in your hand, as a symbol of good luck, as if a piece of clothing could keep you safe.

You look up before the water covers your head and with pain you open your eyes under the cold, salty water, you sink, the water sinks you and now the surface is distant, almost like a mirage. The cold chills your bones and elevates your habit, you press your shirt against your chest. Something cold brushes against your ankle, you move away and look but there is nothing.

You try to pronounce Rain's name but it comes out as bubbles that also sink, the hair on your neck rises when you find pairs of reddish reflections in the darkness, next to you and below you. You feel in danger, you know that you are in danger and for the first time you think that if you die there no one will find you.

Your heart stops when several hands hold your legs and pull you to the bottom, the little air you have in your lungs escapes and you fight to get back up but it is impossible, you hear laughter and murmurs, your gaze meets that of other demons. Beings scaly, with a toothy smile and bulging red eyes, with claws that hurt your skin and make it bleed, they group around you like piranhas, trapping each of your limbs and holding them with the sole intention of devouring them when the last breath leaves you mouth.

Your tears mix with the water, you know that there is no way to get out of something like this, there are more hands on you than you can count, more claws that cut your skin like little needles than you can see. You accept that you will die, that it will be painful but that it will end quickly.

"Go away!…" a wave crosses the water and the demons get scared like cats and move away, still hanging on your body. You can barely hear the voice, it sounds dry and broken. But it's too late, your lungs can no longer find air inside them and before giving in, close your eyes.

Rain turned his head in surprise as he saw how his leader scolded a bunch of minor demons, rarely showing any interest in them.

"Follow me…" Leviathan moved with agility in the water, even though he was enormous and heavy like the earth itself. "I found your problem…"

Rain nodded and followed him, excited and afraid of what his leader was going to show him. The huge snake stopped and hissed in the darkness, some thin algae like bioluminescent threads emerged from the darkness and gathered on a body in the water, giving light to the situation.

Rain held back a gasp with his hands but he could hear it inside him with pain. He tried to get closer, but he was pushed by Leviathan's tail to stay in his place, he couldn't remove the grimace of terror from his face.

"No…" he murmured, his voice breaking.

Your body floated in the void, your hair rose above you like a fan, your skin was sadly illuminated, your habit was torn and threads of blood flowed from your skin that hit his nose with force, whetting the appetite of the others demons, ready to destroy you. Rain's stomach churned with bitterness, you looked like a bloody martyr.

"She's the problem…" Leviathan approached you, he entangled himself in your body, even though he could bite your head off in one bite and he wouldn't be even close to being satisfied, that was something Rain feared. With his tail the huge snake opened a clean wound in your chest. Rain couldn't help it, he approached as fast as he could, but his leader kept him away.

Rain's eyes reddened and tar-black tears ran down his cheeks "Stop it…please stop…" he begged his leader as he tried to get closer to you.

From the wound Leviathan continued cutting until he reached your heart, which was still beating slowly but beating. The snake exposed your heart to Rain.

"Eat it…" ordered the snake.

"No…" Rain denied with her voice broken as the monster pushed your heart into her hands. "Please…"

"She makes you weak! She infected you with her humanity…. Eat it! Eat it and be free of your illness…" Leviathan's voice became furious at the refusal of his servant. "She's stopping you?"

"I don't want to hurt her. My lord, don't make me do this." Rain caressed your unconscious face lovingly, the image of you sleeping on his shoulder when you decided to watch movies together appeared in his mind, torturing him more. You were sweet, brave, funny. His mind tormented him with memories of both of you, of the image of your laughter, the sparkle in your eyes, the sound of his name in your voice, the feel of your touch.

All his 'symptoms' returned, strongly, with desperation taking over his entire body, filling it with adrenaline and a vestige of anger.

Leviathan took out his iron tongue and tested the energy of the water. "She has trapped you," the beast pronounced mockingly. Thunderous laughter gathered around him, coming from the henchmen.

Rain sighed and looked at your heart in his hands. He knew why everyone made fun, refusing your leader's orders was an offense, Leviathan had taken it better than he expected but he was not happy, he was a lying and treacherous monstrosity, he would take advantage of any opportunity to hurt you and show that once again he was right.

"It's funny don't you think?" Leviathan brought his face closer to Rain, making him press your heart against his chest, causing a grimace of pain to appear on your face.

"I don't know what you're talking about, my lord," he pronounced firmly.

"Of course you know, you're not stupid, Rain. You choose to be loyal to her rather than me." A laugh echoes through the place. "I'm not going to stop you, after all, you are my demon, you are eternal and you belong to me, she, on the other hand… "Leviathan brought the golden tip of his tail to your neck and opened a small bleeding wound. "She is mortal and will perish like all of her race," he spat out those words in disgust. "And when she dies you will return here and be punished for your insolence."

"You can't kill her!" Rain shouted with a bravery he didn't know he possessed.

"Of course I can!" Leviathan shouted back "but I won't… tell me Rain, do you see me unable to wait? How long do you think she will live? 30 or maybe 50 more years? How long can you keep her safe before her fate catches up with her?"

Rain's face changed with terror. She knew that no matter how much she protected you, even if she kept you in a bubble for the rest of your life, all humans had a debt to pay with death and you were no exception.

Leviathan continued.

"You bite my hand for the passing life of an insignificant human, there are millions like her, with her face or her body. It turned you into a stupid demon Rain and i think you are my favorite, I expected more from you. I will have all your eternity to Make you pay for that… and I'll enjoy it." Rain didn't care about the insult, that was insignificant. The mention of his own eternity crossed a dangerous idea in his mind, risky for him.

"She's worth it." Even if that strange illness consumed him, he no longer cared.

Rain walked away from Leviathan, as if it were nothing, and approached your body. The wound in your chest was still open, hidden by your destroyed habit, he sighed and placed her forehead against yours, returning your heart to hers. The wave of life, Rain through your body, Rain left a trail of kisses on your chest to close the wound.

Sigh.

He put his hands inside his own ribcage, muffling cries of pain like simple whimpers, clawing his way through the crunching of ribs and the tearing of flesh, he extracted his own heart, it was beating fast, dark blue in color.

A shock of surprise spread throughout the abyss, Leviathan himself had no idea what his servant was planning to do.

His claws clung to a piece of his heart until he tore it out and made a river of dark green and blood gush out. Rain felt weak, the pain was killing him more than the act itself. His trembling hand still held the piece of his heart and pushed it into your mouth.

"Eat from me" he began to speak, her voice trembled and you could feel her desperation "Drink from me" he cupped her hand to contain her blood and emptied it over your lips.

"Don't you dare…" Leviathan exclaimed, rising in anger, but it was too late, when your body accepted the flesh and the blood descended to rekindle the flame of your soul.

A pact was being carried out, one never seen before.

"Where you go I will go, where you stay I will stay. I offer my eternity before you, I share my immortality with you. Where you live I will live. I give you what I am so that you may have power over me, I belong to you. Yours to possess, yours to obey. You possess me in body and soul…" He finished by placing his lips on yours, just a touch, without intensity, but with desperation. Wishing it worked.

In the deep abyss a deal was sealed that would last an eternity until the end of time.

"Mine…" your bloody lips murmured with difficulty.

Hi, I know I've been missing for quite some time and I'm sorry for that. I got caught up in family celebrations, but I've been writing quite a bit and I plan to do a second part of Tower Of Cups, just give me some time and I'll have it soon. I promise. I hope you like this Rain fanfic, I have another one planned but I don't have the story guide yet.

#the band ghost #nameless ghost #nameless ghouls #rain ghost #rain ghoul #bass guitar #ghouls #ghost #ghost band #rain x reader #cosmo sylvan

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fluffyfantasticducky · 2 years

Text

Push my Nightmares Away

☆ Pairing: Loki x Reader

☆ Synopsis: Loki has been through a lot since the Bifrost. Even with his freedom earned, it still manifests as nightmares. But now he doesn't have to face it alone.

☆ Word Count: 2,921

☆ Notes: Cheer up tickles, established relationship, Loki being a major lee and touch-starved because it's my fic.

I had this in my drafts for a while, it's a bit shorter than I'd like it to be but I'm having a major breakdown, so... if someone else is going through the same thing... I hope it helps.

☆ Warnings: Loki has a panic attack, mention of Loki's sources of trauma. Cheer up tickles are not encouraged without consent, but again, my fanfic, my rules.

You woke up to the feeling of something shaking your bed, or rather… someone. Loki was shivering, given your groggy state you instinctively thought he might be cold, but Loki was never cold, so when your eyes settled a bit more to the darkness you noticed he was sweating.

Loki often had nightmares like this. When he felt more comfortable about it, he started talking about the sources of his bad dreams: his time under Thanos chains, the Battle of New York, Laufey and his true heritage, the nights awake when he feared Thanos would go for Asgard when Loki failed, the attack of the Dark Elves when he lost his mother… the list was long.

“Loki… Loki, my love I’m here, it’s just a dream.” You whispered, “Wake up.”

Despite how gentle you tried to be, he still jolted when he opened his eyes. He looked at you with confused eyes, barely holding back the tears.

“It’s okay...” you whispered, “It was a nightmare.”

He looked around and then back at you, breathing heavily. You moved your hand slowly to hover right over his, but stopped it before you could touch him, to him a look that asked for his permission.

His eyes said it all, and you grabbed his hand gently, caressing his knuckles to help him relax.

“I’m here, you’re here… we’re safe” you assured him. “Nothing will happen, I promise.”

Loki let out a dry chuckle. On times when he’d woken up with more energy, he’d make comments about you not knowing that for sure or that he should be the one to protect you from the dangers he caused. Tonight, seemed like a bad night, given how he limited to nodding or communicating with just a stiff body language.

“Can I…?” you asked, opening for arms for a hug, wanting to leave it up to him if he wanted to be touched or if he needed space.

His response was limited to scooting closer to you, and you corresponded to give him a proper hug. At least with this, you could discard his Jotun nature and his Frostbite touch as the source of his fear tonight. So, you pulled him closer and offering him your chest as a pillow, and he accepted reluctantly as he laid down on his stomach to be as close to you as possible.

Loki was in general the protective one, he treated you with utmost respect (flirty banter and sarcasm aside) and he didn’t allow anyone to even raise their voice in a wrong way at you, instantly walking to place his arms on your shoulders to let you and whoever wanted to intimidate you to know that you were not alone, whenever you cuddled he would wrap his arms around you and cover you with his cape if he was wearing it to have you as least exposed as possible, and at night he embraced you to keep the world away and you safe.

But the real threat was inside him all the time, he had seen so much horror, and he had made so many mistakes which he still felt terribly guilty about, that more often than not he would wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, terrified of the visions that hunted his sleep. And you made it your mission to make sure you made him feel as safe as he made you feel.

A part of you wished the world knew of this side of Loki, how vulnerable and small he could be, like a little kid, a shivering victim of his own thoughts, how even at his worst he’d had a good intention and the way he hid in you like a lost kitten. But you knew it was for the best, the world was unforgiving, and the last thing Loki needed was someone taking advantage or mocking him for this.

Not you though, you wouldn’t make him feel worse, so you just scratched his back to soothe him, tracing your fingers up and down his back as you hummed slow songs until he stopped shivering, occasionally interrupting yourself to plant soft kisses over his face. Although, when your hand scratched a particular spot by his shoulder and his breath hitched with a shiver.

“Sorry…” you giggled knowingly.

He didn’t respond, but his breath calmed down as shifted into a more relaxed position against your chest as he slid his arms below you to hug you properly, which made you smile fondly.

“My sweet prince, how you let your brilliant mind torment you…” you whispered as you caressed his head. “How I wish I could take all the hardships that trouble you and fight them for you…”

It had seemed to a very poor choice of words because Loki immediately began shivering again, clinging onto you. At least he regained the ability to speak.

“In t-the Statesman… the B-Black Order… Thanos. And y-you… I… I– I couldn’t– I was–”

It was a secret for most (despite it being so logical), but Loki was terrified of the Black Order. Despite his biggest source of trauma and fear were the Chitauri and especially The Other, Loki knew of the Black Order enough to be afraid of them. And of all in the Sanctuary II he was terrified of Thanos the most, more, so after he annihilated most of the already few remaining Asgardians and almost Loki himself…

And his dreams often included you, falling victim to the same things he blamed himself for, sign of his subconscious wanting to torture him further.

He claimed those nights were the hardest.

“Don’t do this to yourself, please” you begged him, “I wasn’t there, and they’re gone now, none of them will hurt you ever again…”

“I can’t help it, love…” he sighed, “I… I just…”

“It’s okay… just breathe, honey… No harm will come to you anymore” you assured him, as he took in deep breaths, “I will protect you from your monsters.”

“Will you?” he chuckled weakly. “How do you intend to do that?”

“I will tickle them away” you said in a playful evil tone.

That stupid joke seemed to be enough to make Loki chuckle softly, which you smile proudly at, seeing you had made him feel at least a bit better. He shuffled in his place and pulled you tighter and nuzzled on your shoulder.

Loki mumbled something you couldn’t catch, unlike the hot pink blossoming on his cheeks.

“What was that?”

“… Could you…?” he asked softly.

“Whahat?!” you asked with a surprised giggle.

Loki just shoved his head further in your shoulder with a groan, clearly not wanting to repeat himself…

“Wait, you mean— like, like… you actually want me to…?” you asked as your face turned red, “Really?”

Now, this was a first. In the time you’d been with Loki had not been one to actively ask for affection, reading his mood was one of the things that made him originally attracted to you and what made the relationship work so well, a little pout or a dejected look to the floor, and you were ready to shower him with affection.

If anything, he was the kind to offer affection whenever you asked, never one to deny you a hug or a kiss, despite the jokes and comments from everyone else about being completely tamed. But Loki didn’t bother protesting, arguing back was something you took care of just fine.

Tickles were also arguably common in your relationship. Given Loki’s playful nature, he often satisfied his desire for chaos and mischief by tickling you silly, which… Everyone agreed it was a better option to have him mess with Tony’s boot repulsors or cast illusions of doors to make people slam into the walls, and since you liked it too, it was a win-win situation for everyone. But most of the time, it was Loki who was on the giving end, or at most you’d have it two-sided.

Him asking specifically for tickles surprised you, to say the least… not even you, who he knew liked it, were bold enough to ask for it. … But if he had managed to ask for affection in such a moment of vulnerability, the least you could do was provide.

“W-Where do I…?”

He grabbed your hand gently and placed it over his back, right on that spot that had tickled him earlier. You smiled gently, tempted to tease the God in your arms, but tending to him seemed far more important at that moment.

So, you began gently scratching at the spot on his back, making Loki stiffen immediately, his breathing got funny, and his lips began twitching upwards.

Oh, how bad did you want to tease him about it. Biting your tongue, you just saw him snickering as you lowered your hand onto his lower back, causing him to unconsciously clench onto the sleeve of your pajamas to hold back his laughter.

“Is thihis okay?” you asked shyly.

He nodded as he bit back a laugh when your hand sneaked to give his lower back a teasy scratch.

“Yehes!”

“You’re awfully cute...” you smiled honestly.

“I’m nohot!”

You had to bite your tongue to hold back an actual tease, you weren’t sure if he’d take it well, since he wasn’t feeling too good not long earlier. So, you continued tickling him in silence, bitting your lip to hold back laughs of your own so Loki could giggle without feeling embarrassed... not that he did. He seemed to be having such a good time, but he still refused to laugh out loud, reduced to silent shaky wheezes.

It wasn’t until you traced over his shoulder blades that he let out a snort.

You knew, that was it, you couldn’t do it anymore.

“Loki, you know you are allowed to enjoy it, don’t you?” you smiled playfully, sneaking your fingers towards his ribs, “it’s okay that you laugh, that may or may not be the whole point of tickling you silly.”

He let out a little yelp as the chuckles began flowing past his lips.

“Oh, there we go…”

Since he was already laughing a bit, you decided to tone it down, since overwhelming him would not help him at all right now… that and that if you actually made him laugh out loud you risked waking up someone else. Besides, light tickling seemed to be doing just fine, reducing him to a puddle of sleepy and soft giggles.

“Hehehey!” he protested, “Nohot the-ehehehe-re!”

“Why, does it tickle?” you smiled smugly.

He could only breath out a «yes» between his airy laughs.

“I still can’t believe that anyone feared you, ever” you teased him. “I doubt they could fear someone with a giggle as cute as yours.”

“I dohohon’t gi- hehehehey!” he yelped as you sneaked your hand to his ribs once more.

“You were saying, baby?” you smiled.

“Thahahat’s so cruehehehel!” he protested.

“You literally asked for this.”

“Ohoho, reahal funny” he whined.

“It would seem so, given I have you in hysterics” Loki just missed the smirk on your lips due to having his eyes shut.

The little game went on and on as you teased him to his (and yours) heart’s content. Lovely as weird of a sight to have the God of Mischief melted to a puddle as he squirmed and squeaked like a toddler, you new he would either tire out or grow to embarrassed to have this much longer. So you started easing out, making the traces on his skin much longer and a slower, eliciting a couple of shivers that caused more pleasure than amusement to the prince.

“You’re vicious” he teased you with a smirk, “I’m very proud.

“Thank you, love” you responded as you imitated the grin on his face, “I learned from the best.”

“Did you now?”

“Yes, it wasn’t easy, given how distractingly beautiful my teacher is” you smiled, “But I managed.”

Not many people could get the god of mischief to blush, but then again, not many people could tickle him silly without any consequence and even more, be rewarded with a smile like the one that now danced on his lips.

“Would you like me to try something new?” you asked gently.

He raised an eyebrow at you as he dedicated you one of his signature seductive smirks. You really should know to phrase things better with Loki, but it was good to see him well enough to be inappropriately playful again, so you just rolled your eyes with a smile.

“Lend me your hand” you commanded gently.

He was confused about where this was going, but if he trusted someone in all the 9 Realms, that was you. So even without the knowledge of what you would do, he complied shifting on the bed to get a more comfortable position, laying on his back once more, right next to you, placing his hand onto yours, with the back of his hand against your palm, as you cupped it to press a little kiss against it. He smiled lovingly at you, letting his guard down enough to startle him when you used your free hand to trace soft patterns along his palm.

He immediately felt a tickly tingle running all the way up his arm, making him shiver and stifle a laugh. He felt a bit embarrassed, but the way you giggled let him know that his reaction had been exactly what you had hoped for. Still, he couldn’t keep his hand in place, jerking it back as he scratched his palm to rub off the sensation.

“Tickles?” you smiled.

“Considerably more than I would have expected” he admitted. “Where did you learn that?”

“Wanda wanted to see if her powers could make her actually read hands, and I was the guinea pig... she had more fun tickling me silly.”

“Did she now?” Loki mocked you, enjoying the shade of pink dusting your cheeks.

“Do you want me to…?”

He looked at you for a moment, trying to figure out if there was a secret ploy in all of this, but as usual with you, he sensed not a single trace of dishonesty, so he nodded to give you permission to proceed with your experiment. The light tickling made the former prince smile and bite his lips, occasionally having to muffle a soft laugh. But the sensation, gentle and slowly proved to be more pampering than torturous so he allowed himself to close his eyes and relax.

A rather mean idea popped in your head as you switched to your side and sneaked your free hand to scribble gently over his lower stomach.

“AHA- HMPH!” his laugh was quickly muffled by your hand over his mouth, while the other one still scribbled over his bare abdomen.

“Baby, shh, you’re gonna wake everyone up” you teased him.

You removed your hand from his lips, and he just clenched his jaw trying to hold back what you were sure were hysteric laughs. The trickster was doing an impressive job holding back, he was smiling from ear to ear and face red like a tomato, but he wasn’t moving an inch besides the spasm from silent laughter humming from his pursed lips.

It was very impressive, until your fingertips scratched his lower stomach, and with a snort, he grabbed your hand to gently push it away from him and regain some composure. You just smiled lovingly as he breathed out and the final soft laughs died down.

“Sorry, I may have gone a bit overboard...”

He chuckled as he shifted to his side, leaving you both face to face.

“A bit?” he grinned raising an eyebrow.

“In my defense, you A) literally asked me to tickle you, which was delightfully surprising by the way, not complaining B) know I can’t resist that pretty laugh of yours so that’s on you as well” you stated firmly. “And C) could’ve fight me off any time.”

“No, I couldn’t” he retorted dramatically.

“Yes, you could’ve!”

“My, darling…” he hummed contently as he pulled you against his chest, “In all my years, I had never met anyone god or mortal that could render me helpless the way you do.”

“That’s just a cheap excuse so you don’t admit that you loved getting tickle silly” you mumbled through your embarrassment.

“Ohoho... you’re a cheeky bratty impishly devious minx...”

“I take full pride in it, Mischief” you smiled, tapping his nose. “But you know, it makes me think that Kate’s right and I should name myself The God Conqueror.”

Loki let out a genuine laugh.

“That’s the worst hero’s name I’ve heard from both of you so far.”

“Now that’s rude,” you grinned stupidly unable to feign indignation. “But I did make you laugh, so the ridicule is worth it.”

He shook his head and pulled you closer into a tight hug.

“Thank you, my love” he whispered in your ear.

He pulled back to get a better look at your face, which meant you could do the same, seeing his tired eyelids fighting his own exhaustion, the peaceful smile on his face only interrupted by a yawn escaping past his lips.

“Would you like to sleep again?” you yawned.

He growled as he rolled on top of you, straddling you with his legs and arms, successfully trapping you in bed.

“Later, my darling” Loki smirked as he lowered his head to your ear to make you shiver with his breath, “But I would like my revenge first.”

Masterpost | Part 2

#marvel #marvel tickle #marvel tickles #marvel fluff #loki laufeyson #ticklish!loki #ler!loki #lee!loki #ticklish!reader #ler!reader #lee!reader #loki x reader #loki tickle #loki fluff #geek #ducky writes tickles

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these-written-reveries · 8 months

Note

might be too angsty but can you write a ledger!joker x reader with a reader who self harms? either catching them in the middle of the act or seeing the scars they were trying to keep hidden?

Hello! First of all, thank you for your request! I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to write this at first, particularly because it's such a sensitive subject. The last thing I'd ever want is to upset or cause emotional harm to those who may be struggling with this themselves. That said, I want my writings to be a source of good and bring solace to those that are in need of it, so I decided to try my best and write it anyway.

I chose to keep things vague and without too much detail to help minimize the triggering aspects of this subject. Please use your own discretion when choosing whether to proceed with reading and let me know if there is anything wrong with this piece that I should fix. I hope this fulfills your wishes, nonnie. Sending all my love to you and anyone else who may be struggling with this. I strongly encourage you to seek the help/support that you deserve ❤️

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-Try-

‣ Pairing: Ledger!Joker/Jack Napier x GN!Reader

‣ Summary: J finally comes face-to-face with the pain you've been carrying alone all this time and tries to help you bear the weight of it.

‣ Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

‣ Warnings: self-harm (no details mentioned of the act/object used), blood (minor references), scars/fresh wounds (no details), panic, breakdown/crying.

‣ Word Count: 2,226

‣ Have an idea for a fic you’d like me to write? Send a request here. But first, make sure to read my Request Info!

L!Joker/Jack Napier Masterlist

Main Masterlist

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It was just past midnight when J unlocked your apartment door and slipped inside. He was dressed in a casual outfit consisting of a black hoodie and jeans, the hood pulled up over his head and a surgical mask covering the lower half of his face. After locking the door behind him, he dropped the hood and pulled the mask off, shoving it into the pocket of his hoodie as he walked further into your apartment.

“Where’s my little dove?” he called out, announcing his presence so as not to frighten you.

It was becoming more of a frequent habit for Jack to come over to your place, especially to sleep. He’d usually let you know when he’d be coming through call or text, but today he hadn’t the time. In fact, he wasn’t planning on coming over at all today. But after the nonsense he’d been dealing with recently regarding work, he wanted nothing more than to pay a visit to his love to set his frazzled mind back in order. At this point, you were pretty used to him showing up at odd hours of the night to visit you, so he figured it wouldn’t be a problem if he stopped by tonight. You were always complaining about not seeing him enough anyway.

While your romantic relationship was still somewhat new, you’d known each other for quite a while by now. He’d spent months trying to woo you, which proved to be a bigger challenge than he had initially expected. Jack knew he wasn’t the most desirable man in the world, but he could tell that wasn’t the only thing holding you back from accepting his affections right away. There was more to you than met the eye, and he was determined to know all the complexities of you.

Jack had no problem taking his time with you. You seemed to appreciate this, so he allowed you to set the pace of your relationship. You hadn’t expected Jack to be so patient with you, yet he was, exceedingly so. He didn’t pressure you to do anything you weren’t comfortable with, and he didn’t judge you for your “odd” tendencies. As J saw it, he was more than a bit odd himself, so who was he to judge? In taking your time to build your relationship together, he’d learned a lot about the little intricacies of who you were, but there was a hidden part of you he had yet to become acquainted with. A mystery he could never seem to solve, until today.

Knocking lightly on your bedroom door, he found it to be unlocked and quietly turned the handle. You hadn’t responded to his previous call, so he figured you were asleep. His assumptions were found to be correct when he spotted you curled up on your bed wearing one of his long-sleeved button-down shirts and a pair of underwear. He took a moment to appreciate the sight of you before walking over to the other side of the bed. There you lied, facing the empty spot where he normally slept, the lamp you left on providing the perfect amount of light for him to admire your beautiful features. Though, the smile that began to tug at his lips upon seeing your face quickly faded as he noticed the puffiness of your eyes and tear stains on the pillow you were lying on.

Letting out a quiet sigh, he removed his shoes and hoodie and left them on the floor beside the bed before carefully climbing onto the mattress. Successfully managing to lie down beside you without waking you, he silently observed your face. Seeing you upset or hurt elicited the worst feelings in him. The emotion that manifested most frequently in him was anger. But the feelings he felt in moments like these were much more complex than that; so complex he couldn’t fully make sense of them. All he knew was that it made his chest ache and his stomach twist in a way that made him feel sick.

Deciding to take the risk of waking you, he gently brushed his knuckles against your cheek, his painted lips curling up into a fond smile as you subconsciously nuzzled against his fingers before going still once more. He continued, moving his hand down to trail his fingertips over your shoulder all the way to your fingertips. He glanced down at your other arm, that which lied between the two of you with your hand tucked under the pillow that supported your head. His fingers traveled to this arm, about to continue their journey when they suddenly froze in place at the familiar sight of crimson. Upon second glance, Jack immediately recognized this to be exactly what he thought it was. At first, he considered it to be an old stain—it was his shirt, after all, but it was too fresh for that to be the case.

Alarms began going off in his head as he went through all the possible scenarios of how you could have been hurt. It wasn’t uncommon to experience physical attacks in the dangerous city of Gotham—even more likely if anyone were to find out about your relationship with the infamous Joker. This is why J taught you how to physically protect yourself and gave you self-defense weapons to keep with you in case anything were to happen. He was also very careful when it came to keeping your relationship hidden from the rest of the world. Along with these things, he took a handful of other measures to keep you safe, making sure to cover all the bases. His biggest fear was you getting hurt, or worse, and him being unable to stop it. He’d do anything to shield you from any potential threats or harm that could ever come your way.

Yet, he’d never once considered self-inflicted harm to be such a substantial threat to his lover…

As he carefully pulled back the red-stained sleeve, his heart sank. He remained still as he stared at the scars and fresh wounds that covered your skin. At this point, you had awoken and immediately felt an impending sense of doom begin to fill your being at the sight of Jack looking directly at what you had tried to keep hidden from him for so long. You yanked your arm away and quickly sat up, pulling the sleeves back over your arms and hiding the rest of your body with the covers. Tears filled your eyes and panic manifested within your chest as an inability to breathe, the racing thoughts in your mind causing you to spiral even faster.

“I’m sorry,” your voice cracked as you uttered the words at barely above a whisper. You were trembling now, squeezing your eyes closed as your mind fed you every worst-case scenario in the book.

Silence.

Oh, how you hated to hear it.

It only provided your mind with more room to insert its own terrible thoughts and ideas about what J was thinking of you.

Unable to open your eyes, yet unable to stand the silence any longer, you spoke again. “Please…say something. If you’re mad or whatever, just say-”

“No.” His sudden interruption startled you, but you were still relieved to hear something come out of his mouth.

“Look at me,” he spoke firmly, but there was something else to the tone of his voice that you couldn’t quite put your finger on. You were too afraid to open your eyes for fear that you'd see nothing but disgust and disappointment staring right back at you.

You felt the mattress shift beneath you as J moved closer to you. A tear fell from your eyes that was swiped away by the pad of his thumb before your chin was gently grasped between his thumb and forefinger, tilting your head up slightly. This time, you bravely opened your eyes to look at your love before you. Instantly, you were met with a strange look in his eyes. Different than any look he’d ever given you before. One filled with so much love, yet carried with it a lingering sadness. This look alone pierced your heart and made it even harder not to crumble to bits into his lap.

“I’m not mad at you. Ya got that?”

The truth is, he was mad at himself. Particularly for not recognizing sooner. He was so observant when it came to you and yet he had completely missed this. It made his stomach turn to think that you had been struggling alone this whole time, unbeknownst to him.

Now everything made sense. All the “odd” tendencies you exhibited on a frequent basis. The way you avoided certain intimate interactions with him. He always thought you just didn't like to be touched that much, so he used his touch sparingly with you and only in ways he knew you were comfortable with. The way you remained so covered up, even when it was blazing hot. In his mind, he assumed you were just insecure about your body and after bringing it up once and seeing you shut down in response, he chose not to press on the subject again until you were ready to talk about it. So many things he could now link directly back to this. How stupid he felt for not being able to piece it together sooner. He could’ve been there for you this whole time and he wasn’t.

But as he looked at you now, your lip quivering as you nodded in response to him, he realized that what really mattered was being there for you now.

“Alright. C’mere.” He held his arms out and you blinked at him, unmoving.

"Do ya want a hug or not? Hm?"

Upon hearing this, you wasted no further time diving into his embrace. He pulled you close, one hand cradling the back of your head and the other wound securely around your waist. You finally burst into tears and clung to him tightly, making his attempt to move the two of you into a better position much more of a struggle, but he managed.

"Hush-ush-ush, it's okay, doll. I got ya,” he cooed softly at you.

He was ever so careful now with where his fingers touched you, choosing to keep them stationed at your back where they gently ran up and down your spine. This soothing touch paired with the sound of him shushing you softly between pressing kisses to your head was enough to calm you down much faster than you normally would have on your own. Now your sobs had dwindled down to mere sniffles and your tears were slowing their pace.

Recognizing this, Jack finally decided to speak again.

"Ya know, I'm always here for you, doll. You might think this changes how I feel about you, but it doesn't. Not one bit."

He could feel your body shake with quiet sobs in response to his words, his shirt being further soaked with your salty tears. He squeezed you a bit tighter.

"Will you let me help you? I'm not sayin' I have all the answers or that it'll be easy, ‘cause it won't. But we're in this together now, toots. I'll do whatever it takes to get ya through this. I mean it."

You were silent for a moment before you looked up at him and hesitantly nodded. The vulnerable look on your face was enough to break what was left of your clown’s heart as his eyes begin to sting slightly. He clenched his jaw to hold back his tears and pressed his lips to your forehead before pulling you closer against him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he continued to speak.

"We'll figure it out together, hm? Ya got me now. So you better come to me when you're feeling like doing it again. Doesn’t matter what I'm doing. Ya know I’ll drop everything for you."

"It's…hard for me to do that in the moment,” you confessed quietly. J nodded in understanding and gave you another small squeeze of reassurance.

"Try your best, doll. That's all I'm askin’. I don't expect ya not to slip up from time to time. I'll still be here when you do. But ya gotta help me help you. Alright?"

"Mhm…” You nodded in agreement.

"That's my doll." He kissed the top of your head, leaving traces of face paint in your hair. "I love you, and all that sappy shit,” he muttered.

You let out a small breathy laugh and pressed a kiss to his chest before squeezing him tighter. "I love you, J. Thank you."

J scoffed, but a tiny smile tugged at his lips all the same. "Yeah, yeah. Listen, I don't need your thanks. I just need ya to be strong for me. Think you can do that?"

"I'll try my best.”

"Good. You do that and I'll take care of the rest. I got your back, toots.” He kissed your head and squeezed you again for good measure, his fingers traveling from your back, up to your cheek, grazing over your tear-stained skin. He stared at you affectionately as you nuzzled against his touch.

Looking up at him once more, you offered him the best smile you could muster in the moment. It was weak, but you were trying. And that was enough.

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#ledger!joker #ledger!joker x reader #ledger!joker x y/n #ledger!joker fanfiction #joker #joker x reader #joker x y/n #joker fanfiction #ledger!joker angst #joker angst #ledger!joker imagine #joker imagine #jack napier #jack napier x reader #jack napier x y/n #l!joker #tw: sh #k.requests #kalistawrites

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lilguiguinevere · 11 months

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today on ena and cater's ramblings and character analyses: david chiem's system coding!

as a system ourselves, we've managed to pick up on some of his behaviors, which are, if you look deep enough, symptoms of did and/or osdd. so we're gonna talk about that now!

the layout of what we're going to talk about: his "facade" slipping (masking), his possible memory issues, him pausing before doing stuff, his tumblr page quote, and just going over his entire reveal (since it shows a lot).

1: facade/mask slips

several times in drdt, david's facade will slip when he thinks no one's looking, or if he's stressed. the first example is in the prologue itself, during his introduction:

and then he panics and asks teruko to forget what he said right after:

thats the first instance.

there was also before the first trial, when david snaps at teruko to shut up and leave him alone before immediately correcting himself and apologizing, along with several others.

during trial 2, david rambles on about arei being tricked, spewing out derogatory adjectives, and nobody really questions it?

this can be seen as both masking (pretending to be a different alter/one person, essentially) and cofronting (when there are 2 or more alters fronting at once).

the first instance in the prologue seems more like masking, as do most of his slip-ups. the one before the first trial seems like cofronting because of how quick the correction was.

otherwise, he's good at maintaining his mask.

2: memory issues

...it's clear he has memory issues, and they're very apparent in trial 2.

we'll talk about him forgetting the conversation with are in the last section. for now, we're focusing on this:

david doesn't remember going to the relaxation room at first, and he goes along with it because if they're saying it happened, it had to have. and teruko points out his confusion.

but the topic is changed after.

before the breakdown, he said "i was wrong, i think," as if he didn't really know what he did and what he was taking accountability for.

memory issues and amnesia are a big part of systemhood, especially if you have DID. if there are any other mentions of david forgetting things, someone let us know so we can add them! because we forgot. very ironic, i know.

3: pauses

before doing a lot of things, whether it's acting or responding to someone, he pauses for a second, or ignores someone.

like, when he's asked for his alibi pre-trial 1:

of course, he could just be ignoring teruko, since xander just died. but.. he does this a lot.

he hesitated before running after arei. and. well. we'll talk about the rest at the end.

this can be seen as switching (which we'll talk about with the breakdown), or dissociation. mostly dissociation, though? i don't know how to elaborate, but he just seems more distant than one would during this. shrug.

4: quote

this isn't concrete in the slightest, but the source code quote on david's tumblr page is "i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i wish you would just die."

we know that most people will likely say their quotes in some canon media, like min and arei have. and the quotes, i think, can be up to interpretation on who they were about. arei's doesn't count, but min's has both first and second person pronouns ("i wanted to save you.") honestly? in canon context, this can be seen as her telling teruko she was trying to save her, and her trying to save herself from execution.

david's also uses first and second person pronouns, which we don't believe any other quotes do. obviously, he hasn't said it (yet), so we don't know who it's directed at, but since most quotes are somewhat directed at the owners, it's clear it'll be somewhat about himself.

this completely diverges, but we think it could be "pre-reveal" david directed at "post-reveal" david. since... it doesn't seem like the two like each other, based on how relieved post-reveal david felt after dropping the facade (even though i don't think that's what happened), and pre-reveal david's panic over being called a manipulator.

5: chapter two, episode eleven

alright, this'll be the longest section, but it covers a lot of stuff.

first: david didn't remember the conversation with arei at first.

second: at first, he was panicking over being called a manipulator (he panicked twice! first with arei, second right before he broke down).

first instance ^ here, we don't know what happened after yet, but he was extremely quiet, like mentioned before.

second instance ^ right here, he clams up real bad, as teruko points out.

and what happens right after?

he breaks down. the way we saw it was him switching out with the post-reveal david, but it can also be seen as him giving up on masking. with the long pause, it feels like a switch, though.

and suddenly, after the breakdown, he remembers everything, from meeting arei to going to the relaxation room, and has zero problems with being called a manipulator. he doesn't pause that much anymore, and just takes it all with zero issue.

he did a complete 180. two very different personalities.

now, we hit the image limit, so it's hard to elaborate further. we'll close the post off here:

tl;dr: david is incredibly system-coded, whether it be on purpose or not. he dissociates, has moments that can be described as switches, struggles to mask sometimes, and has bad memory issues.

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #danganronpa: despair time #fanganronpa #david chiem #drdt theory #woooh!!#🎨#♦️

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ilikekidsshows · 2 years

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Ever since I read your analysis about solo hero!ladybug I keep wondering about hwo could hold on the longer being solo hero, marinete or adrien? Because I don't remember ever seeing cat noir as solo hero fic or enemy au where ladybug as the enemy, which is I think a tad bit surprising considering so far I can seemarinete is the one who more likely gone astray especially if she can convince herself like she did in ephemeral and manipulation from third party like Gabriel (him being her mentor and the one give her the miraculous instead of fu)

Adrien, no contest. Look, while neither of them would quit just because they had to go it alone, Adrien is just better equipped to handle a solo career as a hero than Marinette. I've repeatedly said that Marinette has a phenomenal support system. Being a solo hero would change her life completely. Suddenly she'd have this huge responsibility and source of stress that she could tell no one about. She would not be able to handle the isolation, she would have to reach out to someone very soon. Like, she didn't last three episodes in season four when she denied herself Cat Noir's support.

Of course, Marinette's tendency to suffer emotional breakdowns is also because Marinette snapping under pressure is the writers’ go-to method of upping the emotional stakes of any given story act in Miraculous. However, that still means that she has the tendency to handle isolation poorly.

Meanwhile Adrien is just used to not having anyone to count on. He'd still have that same stress and isolation but he's kinda used to that in a different context so it wouldn't be such a shock to the system as it would be for Marinette. I think he could even still find enjoyment in heroics because he'd get a best friend who's always with him in Plagg, and being the beloved hero of Paris would be incredibly validating for him, since the Parisians of the show actually, genuinely appreciate their heroes.

#adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #miraculous ladybug #ml meta

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smilesobrien · 1 year

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aussie foods poll breakdown

see prev reblog. source: kiwi living in australia w/ australian wife

bunnings banger: this is REAL but REGIONAL- down here in victoria it is a bunnings snag.

zooper dooper: REAL. i don't know why ppl get so hung up on this- it's an icy pole, surely you guys have icy poles with silly brand names too

outback crunch: FAKE! wife immediately spotted this one, saying it sounds like what americans think an australian food would be.

seafood at christmas: REAL but nasty. fortunately the wife's family have a large vegetarian contingent, so im never forced to suffer thru this one.

moreton bay bugs: REAL. it's basically a fat lobster.

democracy sausage: REAL. election season special- you get a hotdog for voting, which as i understand it is more than americans get

vegemite chocolate: REALbut NOT- it was a gimmick item produced in 2015 for three weeks. in my view this doesn't count, but i guess you've gotta have a red herring...

pie floater: REAL but nasty. pie floating in pea soup. also regional- only the absolute freaks who live in south australia do this.

BONUS: australia & aotearoa have beef over who invented the pavlova (meringue with fruit on it). if you ask me the bloody aussies can have it, that shit is nasty.

#text tag

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nokiareptilestonaniteandlumen · 1 year

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Dear Readers, How's it going? Good, I hope.

For the last 6 months I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for anything AI related that I could understand, and today, I’m finally going to weigh in on Sam Altman’s brainchild, ChatGPT.

First disclaimer, I’m not a professor, nor an expert. Nowhere near it and since I started this blog about 1 year ago, I have been pursuing a career in tech, so I’m a noobie. I thought I’d go down the rabbit hole of neural networks because lots of experts are hinting towards it as the future. With a formal education in communications from the Univ of Tenn @Chatt, I know enough about research, media, and business to be dangerous. Second disclaimer, since this new wave of tech was recently released, I have had the pleasure of picking at it abroad, therefore in two different languages (3 if you count Wolfram, a computational language). My research will be presented at the bottom, however, I mainly relied on 2 sources because I simply preferred their direct approaches. Warning - were about to get into the weeds, ***obligatory gulp of coffee***

First was an interview conducted by The New Yorker. In my intro I asked you guys, “How’s it going?” I bet you didn’t answer like ChatGPT, “ As a language model, I do not have the ability to experience or do anything. Is there anything else I can assist you with?” You probably sound more like this, “I’m fine, thanks.” Quite the different approach, but exactly the same as Siri. This is important because it is how we differentiate chat bots from humans. Which leads to the second question - why is it that you are a you then if you aren’t a sentient being? This makes me think of men and their cars. For me, I have only talked to a car to pep talk it into making it to the next gas station. You spend your good and bad times with your car. When you aren't a grease monkey/mechanic and she makes a weird noise or doesn't do what you want, people resort to talking to it and make loosely based comments based on these behaviors sometimes to appease it or treat it. We could go further with the similarities of these relationships, but the analogy screeches to a halt because cars don’t talk back, unless you're Chuck Norris.

Back to the interview, the answer it gives is interesting albeit creepy. It says it’s for you (the user) to feel more natural. Evidently, our brains aren’t wired to speak to AI. But it’s this inauspicious start that sets the mood for the article and makes the AI seem unsettling at the least and perhaps a little manipulative.

My research then went to the tech side from watching Stephan Wolfram do a 1-hour breakdown on his blog that I think is worth checking out. If you’re in a hurry, I have taken my time to bring you my highlights. His perspective is one of greatness, as a CEO of an eponymous research company, and a neural network researcher.

I wanted to learn how the technology works and be able to explain it in broad terms before testing or adapting to everyday life. Like in life, it’s always best to gain knowledge of something foreign, before blindly collaborating with or passing away precious past time with it. This topic was different than most. It was hard to read about on platforms like Twitter. These sites thrive off of outrage, I was coming to this conclusion after laboring through posts that only boiled down to shock value. Or as the writer, Bounthavy Suvilay (Indie Games 2) aptly puts it, (they) ‘only benefit social media networks by keeping their users captive in a heightened emotional state’. I’ll add to this, they are a great place to find pessimism as compelling as it is obscure.

So what is it? ChatGPT is based on the fact that there is regularity in the English language, and it may be even deeper than we thought, it takes this structure (grammar, literary tools,etc.) and assimilates what we know. As you know its goal is to complete your text, but it does this by taking everything it’s dealing with and grounds it up to numbers called weights as opposed to a computer which operates in 1s and 0s.

After this, the AI uses what it knows about the English language and returns (at a rate of 1 word at a time) the outcome and that’s as far as I can understand technically. Again I’m not a computer scientist so I’ll stop there and leave you with the quote, “the simplest answer is usually most likely the correct one”. What is it with ChatGPT’s super celebrity status though, why are so many people becoming users? Its wild success in the short time it’s been available makes apps like Instagram seem novel. I don’t get it. But I was obsessesd with the movie Phenomenon featuring the John Travolta. Is it the ol saying if it’s free it’s for me… Most of the internet world can speak or understand the English language. This might be a helpful start.

Back to Wolfram, in the Q&A portion of his blog, I loved how he wistfully entices his audience by flaunting his 45 years of expertise casually stoking the fire of the deeptech industry, which has been around for years. Experts consider 2012 a milestone when Googlex found it possible to train and use deep neural nets. Concentrating on ChatGPT, it's not only scraping the internet, it’s picking up regularity in the way humans speak/write similar to how we learn. But some aspects may be deeper and it’s likely picking up haptics from a space where we have yet to be able to artificially describe. Maybe that last part is a stretch and unprovable, but may be as the tech inevitably progresses. In the end, Wolfram draws parallels with other aspects of biology and says in theory these features can be attributed to other animals. He was vague but sounds a little like Dr. Doolittle to me.

On this animal topic, let’s take a dog, any kind, your family pet, a sheep dog, or even a police dog. According to Meta’s chief AI scientist Yann LeCun, ChatGPT in its current evolutionary stage resembles a canine, and it will take the next 30 years to reach human intelligence.

But back to my question, what makes this app different? My take is when people seek new toys/games/etc., especially ones that try to fool the brain, we get this stubborn and relentless urge to test its limits until one is fulfilled. And in this respect, ChatGPT has passed with flying colors. If you have tried the app, take the example of ‘tokens’. OpenAI engineers are like “the house” in a casino except instead of cards they deal in workability, the game is how closely can their ‘tokens’ work to sound like logically sounding answers according to human’s current understanding of the topic. This token can be reinserted into this neural net until one’s tiny heart is desired, at the same time the next prompt is fed back into the machine working in its favor as feedback. Until, you can no longer trace the token back to its original form — meaning you cannot ever truly arrive at a perfect answer. The boundaries are also limited by how many tokens can be used. And to reduce server usage, OpenAI started limiting tokens.

I don't want to mince words, but they haven’t sold me on it. I decided to learn about it before trying, and I’m glad I did. They essentially released the beta to collect data, but that’s not why I turn up my nose. It’s my background in sales, I have to be sold on stuff before buying it/using it. And frankly, the world obsessing over something is not enough to interest me. The pessimist in me still strives to find utility. For now I’ll stick with Google. I know it’s different and old skool, but in the end they use algorithms that take your words, or what ChatGPT refers to as prompts and quickly lead you to an answer that still satisfies my little heart.

I really loved the spirit of how creatives saw the utility in strong-arming sucky machines with it. I’m referring to this Foxbusiness.com article where it tricked a task rabbit by playing a person who is blind in order to forgo a CAPTCHA. Sounds like a wee-bit Black Mirror, duuuude. I had to investigate further on the subject to find out visually impaired are truly struggling with CAPTCHA. Something I never thought about. I then uncovered some even cooler news. This minority who has trouble seeing can now use ChatGPT to ID things in photos. Side note: what a terrible security system CAPTCHA is. I’d argue this invention is as annoying as the pop-up.

Also, I want to address people profiting from AI-written books by selling them via sites like Amazon. I doubt these guys are actually making money, if so awesome, but as someone who reads I don’t buy it. From a Reddit thread on the other hand, I learned that video game devs are using the LLM to write code. However, it is uber specific code in the video game engine Unity. In fact, it helped code blades of grass to appear more realistic. You can’t just write into the prompt code grass moving and basta! The coder is already skilled and delegates tasks to the AI to save time.

In the end we will undoubtedly come up short in fixing all of society’s problems via using it in its current form, and like most tech advancements, they will likely aid in generating wealth for Big Tech. Speaking of, Reddit is now being hijacked by its most popular mods and (***puts on tinfoil hat***) to my belief, it might have something to do with pressure created from companies like OpenAI's. Why? The threatening of ad revenue perhaps, why sift through hundreds of Reddit comments threads when the machine does it for you. More specifically ChatGPT's operation depends on ‘terabytes of books and Reddit posts, virtually all of Wikipedia and Twitter, and other vast repositories of words’, according to The New Yorker, or as Wolfram estimates ‘a trillion-ish words of texts’ are at its disposal.

Speaking of disposal, let’s not get started on its environmental impact. As I painstakingly try to sort my trash from recycling, ChatGPT servers are sitting in an air-conditioned warehouse 'plagiarizing (sic) essays, sending flowery emails and asking if God exists,' says Aisling Ní ChúláinNo’s (euronews.com article).

At last, we all know when it comes to freemium software or ones being sold for a loss, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. ChatGPT at first seemed to me like a beefed up predictive text finding the most plausible of ways to explain ideas via language, but now I know its use is gaining potential and has a 30-year plan to take the world by storm. I’d like to push it further and interview an OpenAI employee next month.

**RELATED FUTURE BLOGPOST lol ** - The new wave of enthusiasm for neural networks created by the release of ChatGPT appears promising for the future of big tech with its eco-friendly rating being harmful for its stakeholders.

SOURCES:

What is ChatGPT doing...and why does it work?

https://www.newyorker.com/news/the-new-yorker-interview/its-not-possible-for-me-to-feel-or-be-creepy-an-interview-with-chatgpt

Suvilay, Bounthavy. Indie Games 2. Portland, Oregon, Ablaze LLC, August 16, 2022

#tech #chatgpt #twitter #neural networks #deep tech #biology #french #franglais #futurism #innovation #meta

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