#trauma responses sometimes don't completely go away

[floralembarrassment]

Mistakes (1/1) (jegulus)

Regulus didn't know what he was going to do. He was so worried James was going to be mad. James had never been mad for this type of thing before, but here he was looking at his 4-year-old's crayon scribbles all over James' book draft.

Regulus hadn't realized what the stack of paper was and told Harry he could grab pieces to draw on from the pile on James' desk. When he came back from getting him some water Regulus saw the printed text of the nearly-finished story covered.

"Oh no," Regulus had said when he realized. Harry pouted and when Regulus started picking things up trying to fix it, Harry knew he had done something bad but wasn't too sure what. His small face quickly filled with sadness; He didn't want his dad to be disappointed in him.

James was going to be home any minute, and sure enough Regulus heard the car pull in the driveway. There was nothing he could do, feeling himself go into a mix of protect and fight mode, he couldn't keep his expression neutral. Harry read the fear because it was all over his face and started to cry.

James walked into a very upset household. He had gone to call out his usual happy hello, but he heard his son crying and walked into the living room to see Regulus cradling him in his lap, whispering reassurances soothingly to him: "tu n'as rien fait de mal, c'est moi qui t'ai dit de l'utiliser, c'était juste une petite erreur."

"Hey..." James said tentatively.

"Okay. Listen- James it was just an accident. I'm so sorry but I told Harry to grab paper from the pile on your desk and he grabbed your manuscript instead and drew all over it, but it wasn't his fault okay I told him too, blame me." Regulus rushed out, holding Harry a little bit tighter.

James understood what was happening right away. "Love it's okay, simple mistake. That's just the draft anyway," James said walking over and kneeling down next to them. He put a hand on Harry's back.

"It's okay son, just a little mistake yeah?" James said softly. Harry turned his tear stained face to look at James and then held his arms out for James to take him into a big hug.

Regulus immediately calmed, but his eyes stayed cautious as he watched James pick up the pages Harry drew on.

"Reg, we should frame these!" James said after looking at them. "Honestly how cool that he put his art on mine and now it's this abstract." James said turning the page to see it from different angles, forever finding the bright side.

Then James turned around and grabbed the crayons, "here," he said handing the paper and crayons to Regulus. "You draw on there too, then we can all have a piece of it!" James said.

Harry was smiling from his lap now as he watched Regulus transcribe the notes from the the lullaby James and Regulus had made up for Harry.

"We will put it on the fridge for now, yes? Then get a frame on the weekend!" James explained and Harry followed him into the kitchen to watch James hang it with a "special magnet" Harry picked.

"You okay?" James asked as he saw Regulus lean in the doorway.

"Now yes, was a bit freaked out for a moment. Sorry about that..." Regulus said dropping his gaze.

"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about." James reassured and then pressed a sweet kiss on his head.

[rafry]

Euclydia, Cults and Need for Control

Disclaimer: this analysis raises sensitive topics. if you are/were a victim of a cult and the topic triggers you, please refrain from reading further(/seek help). Additionally, I am not a specialist on said topic, nor am I a clinician. But I am a survivor, so part of the narrative may or may not be just me projecting the trauma on a silly yellow triangle. That said, reader discretion is advised! :)

The take: Euclydia is likely to be a cult-like society and the reason Bill, after years of abuse, grows up to be as he is: a power-hungry monster. Let's analyze!

For the starters, The Start. Each state has its own anthem. How lucky that we were kindly provided with the Euclidian hymn (hidden under the code "FORGETTHEPAST")! Lets take a look:

"Two dimensions to and from, You always know which way to go If you're lost, don't be afraid, In Euclydia you've got it made! Run too far too right of frame, You'll appear on left again! Jump too high, don't fry or fret, You'll pop up from the ground, I bet! In this place there is no fear, Roles and rules, always clear, Euclydia, we hold you dear…"

That tells us way more than we could've asked for, really. The most important: Euclydia is a state of Clear Rules™. Everything works perfectly thanks to The Rules and The Roles, and the state is loved by it's citizens. It's might be a caricature 2D utopia, but how it reacts when the rules are questioned?

"Eye doctor of a different kind, who wants to make his patient blind The doctor says: 'three sips a day will make the visions go away' Fussy eater, baby Billy Wouldn't drink unless it's silly..."

If there's anything about cults and the way they make people behave, is that the "wrong" ones in the community are usually ostracized and/or heavily medicated to not cause any troubles. Those people are sometimes called 'heretics', but may as well just be called crazy or insane by their peers. Oh look completely unrelated picture:

"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane Starting fires with his brain"

Honestly, the other time it would be it. Euclydia, if not Is, then sure does Act like a cult in some way. I could've finished here, easily, but there's something missing, isn't?

"The hell do you mean by 'The Need to Control', OP?"

I mean that the BILLVILLE is important.

There's the thing about trauma survivors: some of us, after living a life with no control over ones societal position (ostracization/isolation), body (forcibly medicated) or even mind (feeling of inadequacy), crave for some form of control to be regained.

It can turn toxic very quickly when the only form of control one has ever seen in their life is being The Leader (cult leader/shitty parent/armageddon overlord/you get the idea, it's about becoming an authority figure).

And so, Bill becomes a cult leader! Very possibly covering up the need for control and admiration with what I call "The most inefficient way to build an Interdimentional Portal ever", since, well, he's got to lie to himself every now and then, that's his thing (trauma response).

As for the details:

He uses the dead mans body — the body that wouldn't cause any resistance, thus being perfect for taking under control.

He sees the position of the interviewer as more authoritative than the position of the interviewee — and he swaps the roles. That wasn't enough though, so he demands (politely) to be called "My Lord And Master" for a good measure.

He very possibly recreates some of Euclydia-like order in his own "Town" in terms of expressing individuality. They might've been pretty decent in following scripts, I think.

So, I don't think Euclydia has ever been religious in any way, since that would left some other scars on Bills psyche for sure. But highly authoritative, ignorant, strict in its rules to the point of self-damnation? That checks. That's the place that has formed Bill, after all.

That's the place that he wishes to rebuild.

Maybe not consciously, maybe distorted by his illness and broken memory of a loving-paradise-home that has never actually been that way, but he seeks the comfort of familiarity — most of us do. Familiar stings are better than an uncontrollable too-bright future, isn't?

I hope he does well on therapy.

[junosmindpalace]

Kento needs something good in his life.

For most of it he was fairly indifferent to a lot of things, his face often, if not always, chilled or some kind of annoyed. This seemed to be on the surface, perhaps, but Kento found pleasure within and among many things. Sakura trees, baked goods, the feeling of warm sand beneath his feet and cool ocean water washing it away.

They're the little things, even just thoughts of them, that keep Kento moving through this god awful world. As he gets older, goodness is found in even more trivial things, because with age also comes additional burden and various disappointment. Restock of a favorite product. Flowers in bloom. Small things that bring colour into a life that very frequently threatens to drain it all until he only knows to identify shades of grey and black.

The withering of leaves and flowers hanging onto dying branches amidst chilling winds, threatening to leave them completely bare, is when Kento is reminded more than ever that he needs you. He needs something good, something to work toward. Something to come home to. Something pleasant to fall asleep to. Something beyond material means to motivate him.

His work, in theory, serves him well enough. Pays him well enough if he sacrifices enough of his physical and mental strength to commit to working with difficult people and staring at a blue light that drains his energy almost as much as the routine of it all itself. In the end, he gets a paycheck, and that's what matters.

But truly, it makes Kento a little sick when he thinks that just can't be all life is. Meant to constantly choose which is the more daunting path. Meant to rot at some miserable desk around miserable people in a world that thrives off misery. When the leaves wither and gain spots, when the baked goods don't taste right, when even the thought of a satisfying future isn't enough to push out the nauseating images of curses, he needs something constant. He needs a good thing. He needs you.

You need something good in your life.

Beyond academics, beyond a 9/5, beyond completely busy and hectic days where, by the end, you struggle to remember half of it. Something besides validation from others, besides the constant need to catch up.

A rest would be good, perhaps. A rest from your responsibilities, a rest from the nonsense and vileness that spouts out of people's mouths on the daily, from the streets to your work to the bubbles on your phone. A rest to remind you that in this world, there was still something worth going on for. Something that made all the work worth it. That there was still time to do you, to be with someone who appreciated you. You need something good in your life.

And you've had something good, both of you: you've had each other. For quite some time.

Neither of you would've been able to predict that your futures would intertwine in such a personal and intimate way. Neither of you would've been able to predict from your high school years that you'd steadily fall in love with each other over trauma bonds and shop run-ins and whatever else there was. Neither of you would've fathomed sharing a home together, a small one, but yours, nonetheless.

Never would you both think that the good thing would consist of each other.

But it's been good. It's been grounding, it's helped you retain some semblance of identity and hope in a world that seems adamant on stripping it from you. Besides late-night conversations about bad memories and the heaviness of the world, there were joint cooking sessions. There were silly debates about nonsensical topics. There was reading together. There was indulging in each other's hobbies, when time made room for them. There were attempts at movie marathons: such as the one you were attempting tonight.

It usually never worked out because often you and Kento both came home exhausted from work, but sometimes a shower, a light dinner and a change of comfortable clothes was enough to wake you both just enough to want to spend the remainder of your energy together. So, you agree on trying a movie you've wanted to see for a while, making yourselves comfortable with blankets and pillows.

Your legs are sprawled over his lap, hugging a cushion pillow close to you as the arm of the couch supports your back. Nanami's slouched and still with his arms crossed over his chest. They'll occasionally come down to settle on your knees. It's a little after midnight, the only light resonating throughout your living room being the blue light from the television. The more time that passes, the more Kento becomes aware of the power it has over his senses, lulling him in and out of sleep. When he tilts his head against the cushion toward you, he can see from the crescents in your eyes that the effect was the same.

"Hey," he mutters quietly, gently nudging your side. "Don't doze off on me, now."

You object with a groan as you sit up against the cushion, lulling your head to look up at him. "M'not."

"Didn't look like it."

"Oh, don't start. I saw your eyes close."

"And you thought that'd save you?"

"Maybe."

Kento has never, but especially not since high school, believed that anything has any real permanence to it, besides maybe death. Everything is fleeting. Life is fleeting, he sees it in the shrivelled lines and drained colored from plants through the changing seasons as well as in the creases of skin and unusual paleness of corpses from the morgue. Routine is not always consistent, it's reminded when he's forced to work overtime, to take a detour to a location, when he falls behind some sort of schedule.

But when he looks over at you, takes in the small smile on your lips, the glow on your skin from the TV lights, he thinks of how badly he wants this good thing to last. Even though it's selfish, even though there was no guarantee that it would no matter the thought of a ring on your finger, there was something in him that wanted it anyway.

The only thing that holds him back from letting the question fall from his lips is the guilt he’d feel for not being more thoughtful in the gesture. No ring, no nice day spent together. Truly, he’d resent himself if he were to propose to you in such an undeserving, unaffectionate and unromantic way. But when he watches you with his head lolled to the side, your own eyes cheerfully boring into his as you sit in the dead of the night trying to enjoy some semblance of peace in your togetherness, he wants so badly to just say it:

Marry me. Let’s have something good.

You know, for good.

He holds his tongue though, and instead gives you a smile of his own, a small but meaningful curve of his lips. The TV light illuminates the sides of your faces, and soon enough the blue light and dialogue will lull you to sleep, and you’ll both abandon your movie session in favor of some much-needed rest. So he stands up from the couch before it could get to that point, letting your legs gently swing to the side to accommodates the sit up. He turns toward you, and offers both of his hands out. "Come on. Let's go to bed."

You whine in protest. "But the movie..."

"We'll finish it another time, promise. I have a day off, soon."

"Really?" A quiet gasp escapes you, and your smile gradually widens as you take hold of his hands as he aids in pulling you up and leading you down the hall.

"Next week, I'm pretty sure. We can do something."

"Not spending the whole day in bed."

"Awfully tempting."

He has a good thing, Kento thinks as you swat his chest, but he doesn't move his hand from your lower back to block at all. He has a goddamn good thing, he thinks when your chuckles break the silence within your home, and through the good, bad, and ugliness of it all, it'll be something that keeps some order and hope in his life.

[robotsrawesome64]

What domestic hybrids (like a catgirl basically) the Cod men got >:D

Nikto, Krueger, König, Keegan, Ghost (Soap mention)

W: nonsexual petplay vibes (but romantic?: keegs), stuck kept in house=implied less rights/dependency (brief,: keegs), potential nasty-bleedy ankle injury, mentioned cat injuries/actively avoiding bite (niktokrueger), fear of dog bite/implied animal trauma (ghost), reader disliked, crack premise, dubcon if you think too hard about it, potential for suggestive interpretation, (implied head kinda empty) primal reader

Nikto and Krueger - The last pick, a disheveled erratic cat..thing? Sometimes completely chill, sometimes bouncing off the walls or randomly hostile/biting. Pupils always seem to be narrow and tail twitching no matter what. Krueger had his eye on the bunny, buttt.. You don't truly phase Nikto like you should, even when you're hanging off clamped bit on his bicep and he's shaking you off. Or pulling you off by the collar and affectionately carrying you instead as you scramble. Kitty! :3 Krueger however has a harder time adjusting, running around and keeping his ankles up when you leap on the floor to try and grab and bite them. Nikto makes no effort to stop this, shouting encouragement on which artery to aim for. Both of them have got a scar from you. Eventually you're curled up on Niktos chest, held, purring possessively with one narrow eye open at Krueger, who has been wordlessly banned from a 5ft radius.

König - Bunny. It's soothing to keep you on his lap. (I don't know shit about rabbits ; ELP)

Keegan - Distrusting aloof cat. Doesn't really bother you, but lets you come up to him. Wears you down with casual blissful-feeling pets and teasing praise. Until soon your routine is pacing by the door until he comes back. As soon as he opens it he's bombarded by you, and he hugs you up and kisses your face and neck in response. What's wrong, huh? Catches you hissing at other people that get too close to him and he scratches your head, amused.

Ghost (via Soap) - Ghost didn't want one. Soap got an adorable dog hybrid, with big opaque eyes and one spiky ear that still flops halfway sometimes. Developmental/ breeding flaw, they guess. Humans cruel mark. Ghost tries not to look at you. You're scary and weird. When you chomp down whatever you eat your fangs flash out and it's freaky. But you look at him, confused and innocently curious. He always smells weird. So you go to sniff his knee and he immediately bats you off, adjusting away. If it wasn't for Soap you wouldn't be anywhere near here. But he hangs out with Soap, which means hanging out with..you. His repeated instructions to get you to fuck off don't work, so he reluctantly takes Soaps suggestion and gets out a treat, grimacing at the way your eyes light up near his pliable hands before he chucks it across the room for you to chase. Which just makes it worse, you coming back to him, eyes wide and looking up hopefully at him by his knees. Now every time he comes by you have that hopeful look, sitting as politely and still as possible expecting another treat.

[erinwantstowrite]

Hi!!!! I Love love love your fic, and I have a question! An inquiry if you must lol. I was reading the tags again, and I noticed the skip Westcott tag. Are you going to approach the topic? Like, other than Peter suffering that trauma, when he eventually opens up to the bat family, will he talk about it?? Will dick talk about his own experience with Tarantula? I'm so excited to see your take since you put some hints that skip was maybe his caretaker at some point? Like foster dad or maybe I'm genuinely just tripping and mixing with other fics.

ALSO incredibly excited to see what happened to him with the experiments!!! It's extremely vague but im so needing that angst!!!! I really want to see more of Peter's life before coming to Gotham, before even meeting Tony!

hiii!! ty for the love!! :)

i spent ages looking for an ask i got a while ago about this topic but i can't find it for some reason? so if anyone is able to find it for me, i'd like to link it to this post and i'd appreciate the help!!

EDIT: perpetuallypanicky found the post!

(warning for under the tag: talking about Skip Westcott and Tarantula, which covers the topic of SA. please take care of yourself)

Peter will eventually talk about Skip Westcott. I can't say how much he says because I haven't actually written the conversation yet, but at the moment, it's more alluded to that it is talked about. It's a conversation for way later in another part of the series I have planned for LoF, which actually has an entire plotline about Peter's past and how it connects to his future. But he will open up and talk about it at some point. I think in the road trip arc (chapter 15 I think?) I have it planned for Peter to talk about Skip in some context with Dick (mainly, he tells Dick the most he's ever told anyone about the day he was bit by the spider), but not fully.

(And if that changes, it will 100% be warned in the beginning with the other trigger warnings I put in beginning chapter notes.)

That's mostly because Peter still hasn't processed that yet. He hasn't even told his therapist (I briefly mentioned a few times in Peter's POV's that he has gone to therapy, but I should probably make sure it's known that he doesn't go so often that he's gotten through the biggest parts of his past).

As for Tarantula... I talked about this in the Lost Post (this thing disappeared???) so I should probably mention it again. But Tarantula did NOT happen in this au.

There's a huge reason for it, and that's because I hate Devin Grayson, the writer who put that shit in there. I don't want her attached to LoF in any form, even if I'm writing to bash it.

That's not saying that Dick isn't still a survivor of SA. He's still going to have that be a part of his past as well, with some of the other instances. (There's another instance with Catwoman that's just... no.) So I'm not erasing that part of his history. I just hate Devin Grayson.

Which means that when Dick does find out (and he will), there's gonna be a big reaction. For the most part, when it comes to What Happened, I won't be going into details, nor flashbacks, stuff like that. It'll be about the impact of those times, and how Peter and Dick are recovering, though they do talk about it.

Also, Skip was Peter's last foster parent before Tony, you're right. He's probably just a little older than Dick, I'd say, around mid thirties? He was responsible for Peter for a little while but Peter ended up running away that day he got bit, and Skip hasn't fostered since.

And as for the experiments: I'm excited to write about it more. Peter and Dick also talk about this, and in some more detail than the Westcott talk. It's about time that Dick learned how Tony got Peter's complete trust,,,, a little sneak peak into that,,,, :)

There's actually so much about Peter's backstory that I sometimes wonder if there's things that I wouldn't be able to get to in LoF... It just means that I've been considering writing a prequel one day

[raayllum]

Hey Raayllum. I was just curious to know as to why you believe Rayla hurt herself, considering she's been wronged and abandoned by everyone in her life. Do you think that Rayla doesn't let Callum love her? It really bothers me that nobody ever defends her besides Callum.

Like I understand, Amaya was defending her nephew, but I think she was being completely judgemental towards Rayla. I'm just saying. It was unfair.

To start I'm gonna talk about Rayla, but I wanna clarify before the read more that I don't think Amaya was being unfair at all or overly judgemental; that said, we'll work our way there.

I think Rayla struggles to do exactly what she says so in the show: she struggles to share her burdens. She struggles to let herself be vulnerable / be 'weak'. Which given "your heart wasn't hard enough to do whatever it takes" + growing up in a 'one strike and you're out' community system could not have helped the issues she already had as a young child to begin with: "I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't strong enough" (Bloodmoon Huntress).

Most of the time even when she's telling people what's wrong, it's still under the lens of "this is the price I'm paying and even though it hurts I'm totally fine with it, actually, you don't need to help me." She's not asking for solutions, she's updating them on the choices/prices she's already decided to pay.

Whether because of her own perceived mistakes, or because of other people's choices, or because there's something Much More Important than her own personal wellbeing to ever possibly prioritize, of course.

She wants / wanted to "be strong alone" (and sometimes had to be) and she has a very hard time forgiving herself / giving herself the same compassion she shows other people.

That said, we shouldn't say she's making no progress. 5x04 is the first time in the entire show she 1) seeks someone out to talk about her own problems and 2) talks about her own problems because she wants to, not just because she feels guilty, or because she's having a breakdown. That's huge, and shows she's beginning to learn to accept the grace given to her - there's just a long way to go.

She's bad at being nice to herself, too. Why should her pain, or what she puts herself through, matter? She can shoulder it alone. It's fine. Until it isn't. And, luckily, until she doesn't have to.

But again, thankfully, she's starting to improve.

With that in mind, as said, I don't think Amaya was being unfair at all. She barely knows Rayla, she's a lot closer to Callum, and she saw his heartbreak up close. Then she sees Callum and Rayla show up together, out of nowhere, when Amaya didn't even know Rayla had come back into his life. Of course she has her guard up (nor does Amaya ever say she was right to hurt Rayla back at the Banther Lodge because Rayla ended up hurting her nephew; her issues with Rayla are now completely removed from her being an elf, and she's also being hyperbolic).

Rayla did hurt Callum; she did abandon him, and she did break his heart. She had 'good reasons' for doing so, or at least good intentions. She was scared of losing him. She wanted to protect him from what she saw as her burdens. She "couldn't bear to put him in danger" just over her (because, for a lot of the reasons stated above, she doesn't think she's worth that; regardless). But she was still wrong to leave. That said, Rayla was wrong to leave not only because it hurt Callum, but also because it hurt herself, and Amaya is the first person we've seen directly acknowledge it (although Callum does so in the background that will likely be taken to the forefront in S6).

Amaya, who's had a 4 season long arc about developing more empathy and seeing herself in others ("We gain nothing if we throw away the chance to learn and grow"), is also able to recognize what's going on, because she's been through it herself. And she identifies it all for what it is: a hyper independent trauma response because of grief and fear.

R: You think I meant to hurt Callum? That's the last thing I wanted! A: You abandoned him. You broke his heart. R: I was trying to protect him! I left without him because I couldn't bear to put him in danger. I knew I had to be strong alone. A: [Sighs] You know who you sound like? R: Who?! A: Me.

R: Oh... Thanks, I think? A: When I was growing up, my big sister Sarai was the smartest, strongest, bravest person I knew. When she died, I felt lost and weak without her. I hated feeling that way, so I learned to be strong alone. Stoic, strong, and lonely. R: That... does sound like me sometimes. A: But the last two years have changed everything. Meeting Janai, falling in love. I am stronger now than I have ever been, because we are stronger together. And I realized that was the real truth of me and Sarai, too. Love and trust grow a kind of strength that is much bigger than we each possess. To have that kind of strength, it is not enough to love someone. You have to trust them to share the burdens you carry.

Amaya and Rayla once had a spat in the Banther Lodge because Rayla asserted that she was alone (which I think Rayla truly believed, anyone, running off with two boys she barely knows) and Amaya called her a liar. Now, Amaya reminds her that the choice to be strong alone is a choice, and she can make new ones; she can let trust coexist with the endurance of her love to make something that's stronger together, and Rayla takes her up on it.

Like Amaya says in 4x06, "All I ask is that your justice is compassionate." Amaya calls Rayla out, and then she offers actual help so that the pattern doesn't persist, so that she's less likely to hurt Callum in that way again. You can't fix people's emotional problems or relationships for them; you can only keep giving them chances, if you want to.

Thankfully, Callum and Rayla both want to - so they do.

[thefoolishone666]

Kickin Chicken once said

@hiwelcometothemonstersancturary gave me the go to do this, which is mistake one for them, so here is my go at giving them what they encouraged while I pray it works well. And if not...well I at least tried.

* (Refering to Bobby) She is called Captain Heartbeat cause she will squeeze love out of your heart...and blood, but mostly love.

* (After speaking pr-bt for a 2 minutes) You ever forget your first language?

* Mods, take their swimming privileges away and put them in the pool.

* I would go evil, but I am going to follow dad's steps of being good...plus I saw they went shoe shopping so...

* What do you mean I can't seduce myself!?

* (Loud thud off Camera) PERCEPÇÃO DE PROFUNDIDADE!

* Our ship has a pool, an omelet bar, tons of rooms for you to sleep in, one would say that is a cruise, to which I say, fair, but have you seen the plank, cause I am about to get you real familiar with it.

* I heard some demons were touched starved. I got more than enough buckshot to help with that.

* Bubba, reading chat: "Kickin isn't the sharpest knife in the group," Well that is rude...

Kickin: I did eat packing peanuts when I was younger to be fair.

Everyone in room:

Kickin:...Wait is this new information for you?

Everyone: YES!?

* Wonder how many people come on to see me stream thinking "Oh hey, the voice actor for Kickin does streaming," or "Hey is this the official channel for the Smiling Critters show?" And they just come in on me saying something like, "I HAVE BUILT A TO SCALE JOLLY ROGER WITH POPSICLE STICKS!"

* Hey Theo, it's you! (Gets empty bottle thrown at head) Ow.

* White is the color of evil, cause nothing exists in it! Delight taught me that!

* I would cry, but I am too dehydrated to do such a thing. (Goes to drink some water, pauses, puts water bottle back down)

* It is always funny to see people react to my complete indifference to horrible stuff.

* I needed to find a way to get a gambling addiction, so I thought space could have the answer.

* (Seeing Bubba being affected by the blue screen) Bubba, I know you always wanted to become the one thing I love, but this is ridiculous!

* I am just saying revenge is amazing, ok? Yeah, you gain a tremendous amount of regret sometimes, but it is amazing.

* Cool motive bro, still murder!

* (In response to Angel giving them food) It hasn't been that long since I started streaming, it has only been...5 hours...

* This is my favorite bird. (Holds up middle finger before pointing to self) It is the chicken.

* (Wearing VR) The future is today!...I might need it adjusted though.

* Does dying take away time away from my vacation days?

* IT IS ALL A CONSPIRACY TO END ME! IF NO ONE EVER HEARS FROM ME AGAIN, IT IS CAUSE THEY KILLED ME, CHOPPED ME UP, AND FED ME TO THE WOLVES DANG IT!

* Fursuits are getting so good you can now subject yourself to your own form of trauma to fuse into it. Brought to you by Playtime.

* I have seen the internet and honestly, have seen worse. Which is saying alot.

* (Looks at Candy Cat in his lap before looking at camera)...Help. me.

* Theo: You finally did it! Did it help when you imagined it was me you were fighting?

Kickin: Not at all...worked when it was Dogday though.

Dogday: WHAT DID I DO?

Kickin: Hell if I know. As long as it works though.

* (Playing I Expect You to Die, dies trying to do an action pose)...(Starts singing the James Bond theme notes)

* (Reacting to "Unnecessary Feelings") Bubba, I was promised a crime drama, not a reminder that no one in this house knows how to feeling well, including us!

* I would boop you, but I don't want a pirate hook this early in my character development.

* William then preceded to commit several hours of joy, on at least an entire classroom of kids to learn why death does.

* You can have one hit Hoppy...Ah não, ela tem uma cadeira!

* Don't worry, I won't hurt you, I am just going to turn into a nuke to fall on you.

* (Stares at camera while winding music box)

* Chica, you wouldn't hurt your brother, would you? Or would you want me to be you and Foxy's kid, whichever makes you more merciful on me.

* I am here to break the stereotype that parrots can only be pirates and no other reasons at all.

* (Refering to how much money he has in game) $60!? I can finally afford 1 AAA video game! (Pulls up Balan Wonderworld steam page) I am going to buy this one guys!

* Kickin, coming into Crafty's stream: You mind if I borrow a picture.

Crafty: Uh sure...Why?

Kickin, taking one of the monsters: A reminder.

Crafty: A reminder of what?

Kickin: Of who in this family is an actual threat. (Leaves without elaboration)

* Don't make fun of me, I will cry will I beat you up.

* We don't even own a game cube, I just want to find a copy of Skies of Arcadia to display.

* When you get into a certain mindset for so long, it is so jarring to have to go into a different line of think, like you just suddenly ask, "Wait I don't have to ration this sandwich for the entire year?"

* WHY DID I LET THEO TALK ME INTO PLAYING THIS!?

* I am still surprised I recovered so well from all of that.

* What would the others do without me? Minus not having a heart attack everyday.

* I SURVIVED THAT FACTORY FOR OVER 10 YEARS, I WILL NOT LET A SLIDING PUZZLE DEFEAT ME!

* Have good night everyone! I don't remember how I end these...I will make you walk the plank! No, that is not it...

[verdemoun]

Do Sean or Kieran or anyone get like flashbacks from being in reform school or the army if someone like, yells at them or something? If so, how would they, and the other gang members react? (Sorry, it’s a stupid question-)

they proceeded to trigger each other on a regular basis.

the whole gang has ptsd. obviously. and for a lot of them, modern era was the first time they could address it. which meant. digging up a lot of stuff they thought they were over. sean and kieran in particular are dealing with a lot, but in polar opposite directions.

sean didn't go through horsemen, apocalypse. as a result, he still tends to call kieran o'driscoll. hearing o'driscoll in general puts kieran is a sub-par headspace, but with that irish twang pronounciation kieran is fucked. the first dozen of times kieran would hyperventilate so bad he would faint.

and sean takes years to unlearn the behaviour, despite only having known kieran a few months in canon era. it is not uncommon to hear 'hey o'drisc- SHIT KIERAN SORRY SORRY FUCK SORRY I MEANT KIERAN' and kieran is trying to force himself to take deep breath with tears in his eyes giving sean an awkward thumbs up he knows it was an accident

kieran's biggest trauma is being taken by the o'driscolls. war was hell, obviously, but the absolute torture he suffered at the hands of the o'driscolls both before and after the vdls. he 1. regularly wakes up screaming from nightmares and 2. often goes outside in the middle of the night for fresh air after a nightmare.

you know where else people let out blood curdling screams in the middle of the night? children being abused at reform school! you know who else slams doors at midnight? british agents breaking in to murder your da!

poor lenny wakes up to the door slamming and knows kieran is having a bad night, which he feels awful about as one of the people who didn't notice and did nothing about kieran being taken in canon era, but also sean uncontrollably sobbing because all that terror and grief from his childhood was dragged straight to the forefront of his mind and at no point in his life was he ever allowed to just cry about how much he went through.

it gets significantly easier after arthur timewarps in a way, because arthur will almost always be the first to go check on kieran when he's having a bad night. which means lenny can focus on trying to get sean to process his feelings instead of just burying it again only to have a worse response the next time he's triggered by sounds in the night or reminders like news articles or a thick irish accent or a boy playing with his father (sometimes he sees isaac and arthur playing and just needs to walk away because fuck losing his da messed him up)

arthur is also the only one who kieran has actually told in detail what happened to him after he was taken from shady belle. this proceeded to become a vicarious trauma for arthur himself. while the nightmares never go away completely - in his waking hours kieran is a gremlin of dark humor and learns to cope pretty well. this means accidentally sending arthur into a thousand yard stare when he jokingly signs 'don't lose your head'

also regularly causing each other to have flashbacks/panic attacks does not stop kieran and sean being long-lost irish brothers. sean will make sure kieran gets his extra ketchup or mashed potato instead of fries or correct new timewarpers who dare call him o'driscoll. kieran will actively listening to sean's stories about his da with stars in his eyes and let sean vent about things that happened without a horrified reaction which sean finds a lot more helpful than talking about reform school only to need to comfort lenny instead.

[cybercasket]

Sally Williams headcanons

(CW for discussion of coping with death + trauma. I go in-depth into Sally's mentality towards what happened, but I don't talk about the trauma itself.)

To start things off, this is based off of Sally's official character sheets (2017/most recent sheet) (2013) and what I remember from the story more than they are the fandom's perception of her. These headcanons might make more sense if you check those out first!

🧸 According to her creator La-Mishi-Mish, her body's age can change. She's chronologically in her 60s, mentally + spiritually 12 (her age at death), and typically appears 8. She used to have the ability to turn any age she wanted, but it got retconned because La-Mishi-Mish kept getting called out for being irresponsible and creepy with it.

So, I think that Sally's form can shift ages to some extent, though it's mostly subconscious and based on her state of mind. It's a little bit like the early Steven Universe episode "So Many Birthdays" except a bit more stable.

🎀 Sally is actually deathly afraid of becoming older, and does everything she can to maintain the persona of an innocent 8 year old girl.

To her, 8 was one of the last few good years of her short life--afterwards is when everything became bad and wrong, and she was subject to so much judgement, criticism, responsibility, and predatory behavior from the people around her that she couldn't handle at the time.

She's afraid that being much older than 8 will make her a target.

🎠 Sally romanticizes being younger a lot, though she also likes the way it makes other people perceive her. By behaving more incompetent, temperamental, and oblivious than she really is, she can make people believe that she's cute, innocent, and incapable of wrong. She has a strong internalized belief that being older is dangerous, while being younger is safe.

🧸 She age regresses intentionally (from 12 to 8) by heavily focusing on her more childish interests (eg. Dolls, girl toys, and princesses) and by pushing away/repressing parts of her that she seems too mature or grown-up (eg. Certain words, ways of speaking, and knowledge/awareness she has).

🎀 According to her creator, Sally spends a lot of time in the woods near her house playing with kids at the local playground.

I think she is absolutely DEDICATED to the act of being a completely normal 8 year old girl. She'll bandage the bleeding from her head, watch all their shows, learn all their games and slang, and even collect the toys they like so she can fit in and play with them.

🎠 Lately though, she's been having to tell kids that her parents don't let her use her iPad much. There's always a bit of an adjustment period for her between each new generation of kids, but she really struggles to wrap her head around Gen Alpha's modern technology.

🧸 Speaking of technology... She's not good at it. For a long time she didn't really bother to learn since stuff like computers and phones were associated with older people, and her not knowing how to use them fed into an image of her being cute and childlike. However, it's genuinely bewildering and confusing to her.

🎀 Do NOT play Roblox with her, it will take 20 minutes for her to join your game and she won't know the first thing about how to play it 😭😭😭. Though with enough patience, you could probably get her hooked on something like Adopt Me.

She's not good at other games either, though she usually doesn't try in competitive video games (eg. Mario Kart) on purpose because she doesn't really understand them, and likes seeing how happy the people she's playing with get when they win :-).

🎠 She has a ton of excuses memorized for why her parents are never there with her at the playground, and why the parents of other kids can't meet her parents.

Sometimes it doesn't work out so well, and she has to spend a few hours trying to find a way to wiggle out of a missing person's report... She usually hangs out farther away from where the adults are to avoid ending up in awkward situations like that.

🧸 Over time, her perception of her years from 0-8 and her years from 9-12 became really polarized--in her mind, her younger years were all really good, happy, and romanticized, and her older years were completely terrible and miserable.

Like, in her head 1st and 2nd grade were happy and peaceful, meanwhile 4th and 5th grade were completely miserable and that's when her life became terrible. Realistically there was good and bad in both, but she isn't able to see it that way.

🎀 Everything past 9 for her is a blur until she has to connect with people closer to her death age, which then makes her shift her physical appearance back to where it'd normally sit. Her older years become a little bit easier to process in that state.

She tries to act a bit more like a "big kid" to fit in, but she's extremely out of practice since she's almost always acting 8, so she ends up coming off a bit immature.

🎠 She misremembers herself dying younger often.

🧸 She doesn't like throwing temper-tantrums (especially around strangers) because it's difficult to tell how people will react to them, however she plans them out strategically and WILL have them if it means she gets what she wants. She represses a lot of her emotions and releases them during these (Though she does have plenty of genuine breakdowns as well, since she's mentally 12 and has been suffering from PTSD and depression for the past 50 or so years.)

🎀 Maintaining her appearance as a young girl takes stamina/energy, though being 12 takes the least because it's more authentic to her.

🎠 According to Sally's creator, she also haunts her childhood home. I think her house is her safe space where she can be herself without worrying about how she's perceived by others.

It's really messy (she's a bit of a hoarder and only cleans when the mess becomes inconvenient to her,) and she has a huge collection of toys and books.

🧸 Her toy collection spans multiple decades, and she even still has some toys from back when she was alive deep in her collection somewhere in terrible condition. She doesn't usually have whole sets, just a few pieces here and there she decided to keep from the people she plays with (whether they left them at the playground or she decides to pocket something small she likes but the other kid doesn't seem to care about while they're playing) or from CVS or something.

🎀 Sally really likes reading, but she's a little self-conscious about it because she likes to read books that are far above the reading level and outside of the interests of the average 8 year old, like Pride and Prejudice. She also likes watching old movies from the 50s, 60s, and 70s, and has a secret obsession with Marilyn Monroe.

She also likes reading romance, but sex scenes trigger the hell out of her so when she comes across one, she gets out a giant black crayon (because black covers the words the best,) and just starts madly scribbling over it.

🎠 Sally likes horror a little bit too, because darker stories and themes often reflect how miserable she feels deep down. However, since she's 12 and doesn't have a large capacity for tolerating the heavier stuff, she usually keeps it light.

Most of it isn't worth much, but there's probably a couple things that are like $200 or something and she has no idea because she barely uses the internet.

🧸 When she runs out of stamina or gets too triggered, her body morphs into a very pale, bony, frail old woman with sunken cheeks. It's terrifying for both her and whoever witnesses it.

🎀 She doesn't kill, but I feel like it's less of a morality thing and more because she's too squeamish and also terrified of the consequences of getting aggressive/violent with someone who ends up attacking her back. Rapists in particular make her angry enough to almost want to kill.

🎠 She's emotionally attached to and chases Ben, but he doesn't reciprocate it. They're both technically the same age (both being dead at 12), but while Sally embraces her childishness and immaturity almost to a fault, Ben is deeply ashamed of and uncomfortable with his which leads to him feeling easily annoyed or disgusted by Sally. Basically, Ben is too much of an "Ew, that's for babies" type of kid to enjoy playing with Sally 😭😭.

[killmongerskeeper]

Pretty Distracted // Shuri

Summary/Request: I absolutely adored your fic with shuri!! would you pretty please with a cherry on top write shuri fluff? please carry the shuri fandom -Anonymous

Pairing: Shuri x Fem!Reader

Warning: Fluff

Word Count: 988

Sometimes you feel useless. Like nowhere you do can help her. She's falling into the endless pit of grief and you couldn't do anything but watch. You watched her move around her lab with ease as you continued to work on your sketch. Shuri now held the power of the black panther, that's a lot of responsibility on her shoulders. Along with the trauma of the passing of her brother and mother. It's a feeling you can't relate to. You don't want her to feel as if she's doing this on her own. She couldn't even remember today's date. You tried to ease your mind and filled in your sketch with a black colored pencil. You couldn't help the small smile that appeared on your lips as you closed the notepad and walked up to her. Your arms wrapped around her body and before she could protest you quickly spoke. 

"I'll have something for you later. When it's done I'll come fetch you." You said and she sighed.

"I don't have time for distractions Y/N." She spoke, trying her best not to sound harsh.

"You could use one actually." You corrected with a grin. You've learned that when she pushes you away, you have to be assertive and firm with her. To hold your ground. You started to walk away with your notepad and called out to the AI.

"Griot!"

"Yes Ms. Y/N?" He answered back.

"Can you remind the princess I'll be coming to fetch her in a couple of hours." You said and she turned to you with a slightly annoyed stare. You shrugged your shoulders with a wide grin when she rolled her eyes at your stubbornness. 

"Of course Ms. Y/N." With that the elevator door closed and you went on your way to the market. There you got some fruits and a couple of small trinkets to complete the setup of your idea. Making your way back to the palace you stopped to pick a couple flowers with a smile on your face. When you made it back to your shared room you beelined to the balcony and got to work. A couple hours had passed but your creation was complete. You changed into a simple black dress and some comfortable black flats before reaching for your jewelry. It was a necklace Shuri made for you on your 2nd anniversary. You let the piece rest against your chest and looked yourself over in the mirror. You quickly put your hair in a braided bun and shut the lights off to hide your surprise until you got back with the princess.

"Griot. It's time." You said and a voice responded through your kimoyo bracelet. 

"I understand Ms. Y/N." When you reached the elevator you felt butterflies in your stomach. 'Get it together Y/N.' You can't chicken out now. Assertive and firm. Assertive and firm. You took a deep breath as you reached the lab and the doors opened. 

"Princess. I was instructed to warn you of Ms. Y/N's arrival." Griot spoke to Shuri as she was still working on who knows what.

"I know. I know. But I'm so close I can't just-" She stopped mid sentence when she saw you standing there with a small smile on your lips. "What's going on?"

"I told you I'd come get you after a couple of hours. There's something I want to show you." You told her and she opened her mouth to speak but no words came. You grabbed her hand and started to drag her back to the elevator much to her dislike. 

"Y/N I'm almost finished. Can you just come back in another hour?" She whined at being dragged away from her work, but she made no move to fight against you. You remained quiet as the elevator doors closed, leaving the two of you in silence. She doesn't say 6 makes this easier for you. Until you get to your shared quarters, does she speak again. 

"Y/N why are we here?" She questioned before you turned on the lights. Her eyes went wide as she scanned the room to see it beautifully decorated with flowers and different fruits. All of which are her favorites. You walked up to her and took her hands in yours before leaning into her.

"Happy Anniversary my love." You smiled and she looked like she had seen a ghost.

"I completely forgot that it was today. Shit I'm so stupid. Baby I'm so sorry I didn't -" You cut her off by giving her a soft kiss, rubbing small circles on her hand. 

"It's alright. I'm not upset. You've had a lot on your plate so I wanted to surprise you." She looked around the room one more time before wrapping her arms around your frame, burying her face in your neck. 

"I'm sorry." She muttered and you moved to grab her cheeks.

"Hey it's alright. I promise. Now come." You said pulled her to the balcony. "I remember you saying how you wanted to have a picnic under the stars. I figured since I couldn't get you to leave the palace, here would suffice." She looked at everything you were presenting to her 

She stood in the doorway staring up at the sky. You noticed a tear fall down her cheek and you rushed over to her. "Why are you crying?"

"Thanking Bast for bringing you to me." You gave the biggest smile you could muster before she captured your lips with her own. 

"So much for not wanting to be distracted." You grinned as your hand played with the hairs on the back of her neck.

"I'll let this one slide." She joked as she squeezed your hips. "So what do we have here?" You then took her to the picnic scene you had laid out, prepared to shower her in all the love you had to give.

[navarice]

my dearest fellow mdzs stans, i really don't want to spoil anyone's fun but sometimes some things must be said. please do NOT mistake fanon characteristics for canon characteristics because by GOD is it frustrating to dissect a character when all anyone wants to do is blindly turn away from the very vivid and metastasizing flaws.

jiang cheng is an extremely complicated character, and that's why we love him. but by god, he is a jealous, self-victimizing asshole with a massive inferiority complex who likes to torture (probably) innocent look-a-likes of his (as far as he knew) dead adjacent family member. jesus christ this isn't some simple case of miscommunication (well it is but, you know no amount of communication will ever mend the giant chasm that developed between them. especially not with asians raised within the most classical case of asian parenting, i mean come on now) but a matter of deep and intense self-loathing developed since early childhood projecting violently outwards. let me be clear. he hates wei wuxian. he loathes him. he wants to kill him with his own hands again and again so some part of his convoluted sense of justice and superiority will be fulfilled. he's a classist, a bully, and abusive to everyone around him. ong at the end of mdzs, i was nearly crying tears of joy when jin guangyao flayed him flat on his ass bc that man needed to hear it. he needed to feel it. he needed to stop blaming others and blame himself.

and!! he's homophobic!! the entire cultivation world is, yes, but he's the only one we see give wei ying and lan zhan active shit for it!!

point is...his complexity makes him interesting. as a child, he was pretty alright tbh. he was understandably upset when three of his dogs got taken away and he saw his dad give a completely random kid such a gentle hug when jiang cheng never received one so far. he was a kid, and it was sad and helped the readers get a glimpse at the already dysfunctional family dynamics before wei ying came into the picture. as an adolescent/teen, yes he had a lot of unresolved rage and inferiority issues building up when he was constantly being compared to wei wuxian by his mother and not given enough reassurance from his father (once again, all present before wei ying...everyone just likes to dump the shit on him bc it's easier to point fingers at others than at yourself). perhaps he could have turned out differently if literally either of his parents stepped up and took accountability. however, after the burning of lotus pier? after the golden core transfer? after wei ying stuck around as his subordinate just as he promised, and protected jiang cheng like he promised, and defected just to save the yunmeng clan's reputation so jiang cheng doesn't have to put up with the other clan's shit, still continuing to keep his promise? after wei ying's death? idk abt y'all, but all bets are off bro.

mxtx makes it a point to make him so irredeemable. he's an exploration of what can go wrong if you let your traumas, self-hatred, and revenge fantasies blind you. he has the worst traits of his parents for a reason, directly contrasting with the other sibling, who is a perfect picture of eldest daughters born into a dysfunctional family. jiang yanli has the best traits of her parents (in terms of compassion and standing up for her family), but the family dynamics also made her the way she was. the responsible, the mediator, the occasional mother, stepping in where madam yu cannot.

there's just so much potential to hold him accountable buried under the pretense of misunderstandings and kinnie moments. he just had so many chances, more than any other character, to make a different choice. to actually look past his misgivings and unlearn the bad habits he used to protect himself as a child. i'm not saying he has to magically heal from all his traumas, but at the very least know not to be like his parents. but he wasn't written that way. because that is what happens when you give into your insecurities and generational trauma.

bottom line: jiang cheng is a fantastic archetype that needs to be explored in all his authenticity, including his moments of loyalty and cruelty.

[dichromaticdyke]

i can't stop thinking about how nathan was obsessing over magnus almost as much as he was obsessing over abigail. abigail he lost because he grossly misinterpreted their relationship and pushed way too far with her. but magnus he lost because magnus was an abusive piece of shit who valued revenge above all else.

but nathan almost sees them as equivalent. he sees them as people in his life who were greatly important to him, but who didn't feel the same way toward him. abigail didn't harbor romantic feelings towards nathan, and magnus was willing to throw their friendship/brotherhood away in the name of revenge.

i think again to what nathan said when murderface lamented being "no better than magnus." nathan said that the difference between magnus and murderface was that murderface gave them the chance to forgive him while magnus didn't. nathan is implying that he would've forgiven magnus (or at least would've been open to the idea) had magnus actually apologized and tried to do better.

and then when he's looking at the names of everyone who had "abandoned" him and he's telling them to come back and fight with him, magnus is included on that list. magnus is included on that list. god it makes me fucking sick. as pickles points out, everyone on that list isn't someone who abandoned nathan, but someone who nathan pushed away. but that's not true with magnus, is it? i mean, kind of, in the sense that nathan kicked him out of the band, but he only did that because magnus verbally abused the band and then stabbed him. but nathan still feels like he was abandoned by magnus, and then he feels like he was the reason magnus left. he said the same thing to magnus as he did to abigail, to his family, his band, his fans—"come back." as much as nathan tries to act like he doesn't care about his friends or anyone else, he does. he desperately does, even those that literally stab him in the back.

we see this first with him acting like his family is cringe and normie and they are, but he also fucking loves them. he pals around with his dad on the regular, and when he's feeling desperate and scared, the first thing he does is call them. and then he breaks his own rule about not caring about any of the band members by showing concern and care for toki about his drinking problem in "black fire upon us." and he continues to start to be more open to expressing his care towards his band members and friends and loved ones. there are a lot of examples we could go through here, but this is long enough as it is and i still have more to say.

i've been thinking about how he shuts other people out as a trauma response despite desperately needing others in his life. he watched his entire 2nd grade class die horrifically, and i think that was the catalyst there, the thing that made him start refusing to get close to anyone. something horrible can happen to those you care about at any moment, don't get too close. he starts dethklok, and his defenses lower a bit, he starts to grow close to his new band, and then magnus literally stabs him in the back. once again, as a trauma response, he shuts down. he puts in the rule that band members don't take an interest in each other. he's already close with pickles, skwisgaar, and murderface, so by the time toki joins, he just doesn't let himself get close—he forgets he exists sometimes, leaves him behind, etc. but again, that wall starts to chip away, by the time "dethcamp" comes around he starts treating him like his kid, getting him gifts, taking care of his room, driving to get him in the middle of the night when he fears he's in trouble.

and then toki gets kidnapped. and it happened again, he let himself get too close. he parties around the world with dethklok, tries to act like everything's normal and fine, oh no we don't miss people we hardly notice that they're gone. he refuses to try to help him because at this point he's all but completely shut down emotionally, and it takes external pressure to snap him (and the rest of the band) out of that mindset. and that pressure is the reminder that they can't shut each other out, that toki is important to the band, that toki is their brother. and bringing all that back to magnus, nathan is the one left with the guilt that he didn't get the chance to have with magnus what he now has with toki and the rest of dethklok. whether he blames himself or magnus or both is unclear to me but all this is still so tragic.

fuck magnus, obviously. but damn nathan really needed closure with him.

[olivianyx]

Hi so im aware that self concept has an important role in manifesting but back when i was a child my parents used to say that im dumb, talentless and not capable of anything. This is a trauma that i have and i dont really believe myself that i can manifest my desires

Hi! Thanks for the ask! I dealt with this same trauma since I was a kid. It's gonna be a long post ahead, but it might be worth the read.

So basically, self concept plays a very important role in manifesting. Especially which determines our perspective of our entire reality.

So what's self concept? It's the beliefs that one holds in his/her life and the responses of others.

So as you said, the childhood trauma that prevents us from experiencing what we want, is like a blockage in our minds. But we as conscious manifestors, should know that mind is an illusion. Thoughts are an illusion, ego is an illusion, trauma is an illusion, blockages are an illusion.

But we get lost in the illusion, and we started identifying as the illusion. But it's not our fault that the society moulded our brains like this since childhood. So the first thing I'mma ask you to do is, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. Like literally please.

We're literally the Gods of our realities, so why are we giving our power to a trauma? A past that doesn't even exist. We're limitless and the useless wiring in our brains has lead to all these.

We can ofc heal trauma, only if we treat ourselves with love, gentleness, and peace.

Here's a method that worked for me, so I'm sharing it with you.

First, let us put everything down and sit by ourselves. Then, let's ask ourselves to be truthful. Ask yourself how are we doing. If there's an answer, continue asking it, is it doing fine... If there's an answer. Try to sooth yourself if there's a negative answer (this always worked for me cus trauma affects our body reactions too. So when I tried soothing myself, my body, like gently stroking your arms, or patting your shoulders, and hugging yourself)

When I do this to myself, I start to tear up cus there was no one hold me or sooth me during harder times, so I give myself time to cry it all out (this works 100% of the time)

secondly, I accept everything the trauma tells me (actually if you accept it, there won't be any resistance) so I accept that I was useless, I was worthless, I was a mistake, I was a disappointment, I did nothing in my life, I won't ever achieve anything in my life, and so on. Till the voice inside is slowly dying away.

Then I start to meditate for a few minutes, sometimes I put on a subliminal or a song too. And then I start to tell myself that, it was the past, the past is in the past, it doesn't exist now. I can now, this moment be a better person ever, cus I am.

Summary:

And I start to affirm/listen to subliminals, and then there was nothing telling me I was useless and shit. I try to sooth myself still more with gentleness. I didn't beat myself up. I just affirm that I am a better person now and go on with my self concept affirmations.

This is what helped me cured my trauma, but not completely, even now I do get thoughts of it, but now I'm aware it's just an illusion. Sometimes I cry alot too, even now. Just to feel better. So I've decided that I'm gonna revise that, I never had trauma.

Summary here,

1. Don't beat yourself up

2. Be gentle with yourself like dealing with a baby

3. Ask yourself to be truthful to yourself to whatever questions you ask

4. Ask how is it doing, and next is it really doing okay

5. Sooth your body with stroking moments

6. Cry if you feel like, and let it all out

7. ACCEPT IT

8. meditate for a few minutes after you've calmed down

9. Tell yourself you're now a better person and the past is just past now and it doesn't exist

10. Continue with your self concept routine as usual, whatever you consider doing.

I hope this will help many people out there and you too :) love you 🤍 you can do it! If you have any more doubts you can still ask me what ever, I'm here to help you 🤍

[system-of-a-feather]

Is it really final fusion if there are parts that you're still keeping separate and disowning from yourself? These parts deserve to feel like they have a right to exist, that healing is possible for them and that they are not a lost cause. It isn't fair to call yourself final fused when these parts are being excluded from your recovery. Repressing trauma is not healthy and it isn't sustainable to do that forever. It would be healthy if you worked with them, held compassion for them, and helped work through their trauma beliefs with them. Sometimes to heal you need to be disregulated sometimes, because you're letting yourself finally feel the feelings, and they've been kept away for so long, naturally it will cause disfunction for a while.

Bro, you are assuming an awful lot off of an awful little combined with a lot of poor interpretations of that post. I also find it a bit rude and crossing some boundaries for you to be 1) telling me how my vulnerable parts feel 2) telling me that I dont know what >I< feel and 3) telling me how my vulnerable parts - both when they are operating seperate from me and fused with me - should be treated.

If you think you aren't doing that and are not encroaching on territory you don't know about (ie my trauma, my system, my recovery and my healing) then please, tell me the details about my vulnerable trauma holders that you seem to know more about than I do, because man, between being literally them and living 24/7 with them and talking with them for my entire life, I really thought I'd know them better than a random anonymous stranger online. Go figure. You learn new things every day.

Putting aside the honestly disrespectful breach of boundaries under the assumption its well intended, I will continue the rest of this post assuming you asked me about how the post on how we handle our vulnerable parts relate to our fusion rather than assuming and judging because I honestly think the question I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you MEANT is actually a really interesting one! Because it can be totally confusing how our system that does not actively engage and actively interact and actively force our trauma holders to go through trauma processing could POSSIBLY fuse with them.

(Actually I have to comment on a few points of confusion and disclaimer on this before I can fully just move onto the next topic in case there is some really strange miss understanding or reading comprehension issue that might make the interesting part of this response confusing if not addressed)

---

Confusion and Clarity Section:

To remove any potential confusion, I'd first like to state that it is "really" final fusion because they're literally me, I know what they feel, I know what they think and I know what they've been through. I can only write the post about how we used to handle things and how we operate now AND speak for those parts because I AM them like, genuinely and fully. Not even "technically them" I deadass AM them, so please don't assume I can't speak for myself and my own trauma and recovery. I know myself and my needs.

There isn't really a debate whether or not we are "finally fused" or what aspects of our life determine "final fusion" other than, you know *checks notes* the fact we literally operate like 75% or more of the time as a complete solid whole with little to no dissociation and honestly even these days, no disconnect between our identity beyond a general and standard IFS way of navigating complicated feelings.

Clearing up that odd comment on "really final fusion", I'm pretty sure you are referring to this post? And if so, I think you missed the part where we have always stated they are absolutely welcome to engage and hang out and we don't "lock them up" or repress them in any way or form.

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Final Fusion & Our Sleepy "Dragons" / Trauma Holders

The post in reference discusses some of how a lot of our heaviest trauma holders and parts that have been extremely disconnected and dissociated from life for years actually don't regularly spend a lot of time near the front and our system / whole has STRONG rules against EVER forcing those parts to "recover" or process their trauma or "engage in the real world and life and exist" if they don't want to.

It's a concept our system didn't really understand and used to REGULARLY do the opposite of because of good intent and good will "these parts deserve to live and exist and they deserve to heal and be better and so they need to heal from their trauma or they will be forever suffering and they deserve better" and its something we spent over a year learning from one specific part in our system - a major trauma holder - that it is far far more HARMFUL than helpful and that A LOT of that good intent / good will interest in making parts heal came from a lot of 1) projection of me wanting to be perfectly healed right now and projecting that need for healing onto other parts and 2) very trauma-unresponsive, inconsiderate, and not respecting either the autonomy, individuality, or ability for those parts to speak for themselves and their own needs.

Trauma informed care, both internally or with other people, is built on a principle of respecting the traumatized individual and ACTIVELY listening to what THEY are saying and what THEY need and what THEY are experiencing. Often trying to push your ideals, your agenda, your recovery schedule and pacing and trying to push an individual to heal faster than they are ready, serves in small amounts of reinforce the idea that the traumatized individual can not make their own decisions, they do not know how they feel, they do not know whats best for them, they shouldn't have a say in how they are treated, and that they have to conform to another person's standards and heal correctly.

I would LOVE for those parts to come sit with us and talk with us for hours upon hours about trauma. I would LOVE fro them to cry and throw things and be in crisis. We actually get slightly excited whenever those parts are around and in crisis because it gives us an opportunity to support them, show them some coping skills, and help them learn that life is actually pretty okay. Some of our best and most happiest moments (on both sides) have been in those post-crisis where those parts have, for the first time in their entire life, EVER felt ANY support from ANYTHING or ANYONE and those moments are so warm, healing, and impactful on both the supporting and the supported end.

That being said, while our whole and our supporting parts would LOVE to be able to speed run those moments until those parts are completely comfortable existing immediately, that would require us to ACTIVELY make them suffer, feel pain, and relive their trauma when they otherwise would not have to.

These parts have COMMUNICATED to us, when they were more stable and when they were not, that they >do not< want to regularly be around the front and out because everything as it is is too much for them. They have actively asked us to let them rest and have extended periods of calm and peaceful sleeping when things are good so that they can have a break from chronic suffering.

Yes, if we dragged them out, made them process trauma, made them look it straight on, made them dysregulated, eventually they'll "get over it" and "get used to it", but that is only after EXCESSIVE pain as those parts are EXTREMELY prone to being thrown into deep and intense flashbacks. We COULD quickly desensitize them and get them used to life, but the quick method is honest to god cruel, inconsiderate, trauma-unresponsive, and arguably traumatizing to those parts.

Instead, we listen to what those parts have communicated and meet them where they are at in their recovery. Those parts have told us that they are in *peaceful* sleep when they are not triggered and that sleep / distance actually helps them process the sheer amount of stimuli and information that is required for them to regain some stability.

Of course, sometimes triggers come in our life that forcibly wake them up and they get thrown into flashbacks and thats okay! Not ideal, not fun, and I feel bad for them but its okay! Because while they are suffering deeply, they are also surrounded with SO many parts that are actively and intently here to support them, help them, show them the world, and help them develop an understanding for the present and coping mechanisms that are healthy.

And usually after we have helped calm them down, showed them around life and given them some time to enjoy and appreciate existence, they - in a good mood that is now regulated and calm - actively ask to go back to sleep because they are 1) tired and 2) have a lot of new things to process and anything more would be overloading.

And so we have parts - specifically Lin - who is good at holding the front and keeping them company while they fall back to sleep, much like a parent reading a kid a bed time story. It's a very healing and very helpful and trauma informed way of approaching, supporting method that respects the communication and feelings of the individual parts and minimizes the amount of unnecessary stress, triggering, and flashbacks for those parts.

And thats all when we operate as independent parts - which we mostly do when those parts need support because its easier for us to give them focused support when operating as independent parts than as a fused whole as it can be hard to utelize our coping skills as a fused whole when they're triggered. (Think of it like using IFS framework, but instead of parent part and inner child, they just have actual names)

As a whole, I don't "stop being those parts" or exclude them, I am still them and their traits are integrated into the whole. As a fused whole those parts can actually exist and engage in the world A LOT easier than as individual parts because they themselves don't have to be over active and the predominant part of the brain while the trauma they hold can really just remain sleeping in the back. As a fused whole they aren't "trauma holders that are sleeping" they are Feathers and their trauma that they held remains sleeping.

And as a fused whole, I don't think I have to be chronically experiencing and processing my trauma to be me, to be happy, or to be present. My trauma isn't my identity and I am not any less "existing" by not chronically living in my trauma.

As a fused whole I'm literally just Feathers. I got "brains" because I know where certain thoughts and feelings would have come from as individual parts, but like... I'm Feathers. I'm literally just fucking Feathers XD And I literally am those vulnerable trauma holding parts as well. And thank you for your concern, but as those vulnerable trauma holding parts, we're fine and honestly enjoying our life the way it is man.

If you are really that concerned about us, please check to make sure you aren't projecting your own struggles because if you are, please take care of your trauma holders and give them lots of love, support, patience and understanding and please don't rush them to heal faster than they need to.

(the pink is very much explicitly from an Evaline brain which is one of those heavily traumatized vulnerable parts; I am explicitly calling that part of this out because I am genuinely very fucking proud and surprised any of them actually wanted to voice anything for themselves and I am gonna reinforce that cause its awesome and I love that for them)

[koolkat9]

That is honestly the perfect way to describe Ludwig lmao

Thank you. I've was thinking about it all day yesterday actually. And before I begin, I do not want people to take this as ger//ita bashing. I'm not really into the ship but I do think at least Ludwig was in love with Feli at some point and I love exploring the toxic side of their potential romance.

Anyway. Perhaps this toxic mindset about love and taking acts of service too far was rooted in him from a young age. A kind of generational trauma if you will passed down from Gilbert due to his time as a religious order. This is getting into projection territory, but that's how I come up with good ideas lol. I sometimes wonder if I am such a people pleaser, unable to speak up for myself and/or say no because I was religious and because they promote a degree of unselfishness that can become unhealthy. Being "Christ-like" requires some form of sacrifice after all. Put those around you before your self for that is how you serve God and get into Heaven. Even though I don't think Ludwig was ever that religious (and that Gil started deconstructing his religion when Lud popped up so it only indirectly influenced his parenting) the idea of love requiring sacrifice and love and care being shown by putting others above yourself always still got rooted in him.

Then you got Feli. Though a bit of a ditz and oblivious, I am a firm believer he isn't as stupid as he presents himself to be. After all, we see him be quite capable, specifically when he was a child. I always loved the headcanon that Feli has abandonment and attachment issues so he acts completely helpless in a attempt to not be left behind again.

With both these trauma responses put together probably won't result in the healthiest relationship. Ludwig give give giving and Feli take take taking because neither knows better and do it to protect themselves. Going a long this line it probably causes issues in their friendship but I think it reaches its climax if they get into a romantic relationship and thus get even more involved in each other's lives. It eventually leads to them breaking up and distancing themselves from each other for a bit.

It is this break that makes them reconsider a lot of things. Ludwig allows himself to explore other romantic options. He had many crushes alongside his crush on Feli, but he had been holding out, hoping Feli felt the same way. By exploring a new relationship or two, he starts to realize that maybe he was giving too much. Thinking too much about Feli and not enough about himself. He learns to love in a more healthy way like that post that tag is from said.

Feli also realizes that maybe the whole helpless act went a little too far. He did what he always did to keep people close and yet Ludwig still left him. One of the people he loved most left him. He spends weeks in reflection. Maybe spends some time with Kiku who puts things in perspective for him since he was an outsider looking in to Feli and Lud's relationship. As an itapan shipper maybe it leads to itapan with Kiku being a grounding force for Feli, but doesn't let him get away with shit. But also Feli may need a bit of a break from serious romances until he finishes processing his trauma. Choose your own ending there.

As much as I don't care for ger//ita as a wholesome end game romance, I do love their friendship every much. So once both heal a bit, Feli and Lud come back together with a friendship stronger than ever, supporting each other in their healing journey and new relationships.

[least-carpet]

do you maybe have some more chengning thoughts or wen ning gets a life snippets you want to share👀

Hi, anon! I'm a little stuck on "Wen Ning Gets a Life," so maybe I'll ramble about that.

One of the problems that I've had with "Wen Ning Gets a Life" is that I have two tonally different streams of thought about Wen Ning and Jiang Cheng and they both kind of got mashed into a single fic. But like. The vibes are different! What have I done! But it's too late now, I think. I have enough to puzzle my way through to an ending.

One of those ideas is about monkey's paw-ing Wen Ning to the max. What if the universe what infinitely both cruel (you get what you thought you wanted and it sucks) and also, for once, kind (the experience still teaches you about yourself and then you can move on)? I don't really think of Wen Ning as a person with a lot of insight, which, like, dude died at like 16 and spent 13 years chained to a wall with nails in his head! The opportunities to learn through experience have been limited. This applies to Wen Ning, Wei Wuxian, and Wen Qing. All of them have been literally or figuratively dead for that intervening time. They have different responses to trying to return to life, and Wen Qing and Wei Wuxian are actively going insane because their go-to strategies ("fix it" and "run away and live in denial") aren't working so great. Only Wen Ning, whose strategy is "yoto (you only live twice)," is having any fun at all, and that's completely by accident. I'm trying to just focus on that.

Something about Jiang Cheng and Wen Ning accidentally fucking their way into a relationship is hilarious to me, and, you know, I've seen people do that more than once in real life (without like... witnessing the sex bit, obviously...). Like, in many cases, what is good for the hole is not good for the soul, but sometimes it IS good for both, actually, and part of the sexual compatibility is the inadvertent emotional intimacy! It will take them at least 5 years before they talk about anything, and a lot of sex, because I think it's affirming for both of them. Wen Ning is kind of growing into a new self-image and self-understanding and Jiang Cheng is getting praise and physical touch and also one place where he doesn't have to be responsible for anything. But I don't know if they talk about it? I know Wen Ning and Wen Qing have to talk, and Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng have to talk, and certainly Wen Ning and Jiang Cheng need to interact but I don't think I'm going to get them to the Conversation... hmm.

The other one is about moral injury, which is genuinely such a downer that I've cut most of it. Moral injury is a kind of trauma that happens when you witness or perpetrate actions that violate your own moral beliefs. It's distinct from PTSD and involves things like intense rumination about what happened—like I think Jiang Cheng likely has it in relation to everything that happened with Wei Wuxian, specifically in the form of him blaming himself for trusting him too much and that leading to Jin Zixuan and Jiang Yanli's deaths. In relation to Wen Ning, I think killing the Wen Remnants could be an additional source of moral injury, and that could mirror Wen Ning's experience of the fall of Lotus Pier. I am really interested in them as mirrors of each other. But anyway, I don't have a separate plot for this, and all of it would probably be pretty sad, so it doesn't really match "Wen Ning Gets a Life" very well.