mandireh

[mandireh]

These Walls

As the light filters in through the windows

I am thankful that these walls will not judge my tears

For this house has held more than its fair share of grief.

I reflect on myself

Questioning

Wondering

Am I deserving?

I am so broken, will I ever be good enough?

And the self doubt wells up inside of me, churning my stomach and causing waterfalls to descend from my eyes.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but my soul feels as if it’s turning into the very tears that it weeps and flooding the windows so the light coming through is filtered, but at least these walls will not judge.

[mandireh]

I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t matter where I go, the people I meet in life, or who I choose to give my love to because no matter what, there will always be a box with your name on it stored in my heart.

-a.n.

[mandireh]

It’s hard to breathe.

I’m choking on my own tears that flow from the never ending river of my thoughts.

Thoughts that lap at me and leave me battered by the high tide of endless oceans that are filled with monsters.

Monsters who lie deep within my body, crushing my organs, churning my stomach, twisting through my brain and squeezing my throat.

So you see, it’s hard to breathe.

[mandireh]

MY SUN

I had grown accustomed to the darkness,

Missing the warmth of the sun on my skin as I walked my moonlit path, alone.

Just as I thought that I would never see my sun rise again, there she was.

Her sunbeams tickled my skin as her light chased away the monsters of my darkness.

-a.n.

I had written this for my ex while we were still together. It was going to be part of her Valentine’s Day present, but she decided that she didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to be with me before we could make it to Valentine’s Day. So I hope this piece brings somebody else joy, at least.

[mandireh]

How did I know that after I packed that bag and walked out your door, that it was the beginning of the end? I cried in that damn hotel for 3 days because I knew that there would be nothing more for us together, memories we’d made before would only ever be that: memories... memories that I now wish could be erased from my stupid brain.

It just pisses me off that I knew things weren’t right, that nothing would be the same and you got mad at my reaction. You caused me to feel crazy for feeling the way I was feeling when I was actually right all along. It pisses me off that you’ve probably been planning this for awhile, but you didn’t have the balls to cut me loose when you first realized it.

I want to take back all of my kisses and wash yours off my lips. I want to burn my skin in every place that you ever touched me because that would still be less painful than the burning I feel in my chest. I want to hate you, but my heart just isn’t capable of that.

I’m sorry if I wasn’t enough for you or if I was too much for you... I don’t know if I didn’t love you enough or if I loved you too hard. Either way, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed me to be. I think that’s what hurts the most, the knowing that I couldn’t give you what you needed.

It’s devastating to have to cut you out of my life, but I have no choice. I can’t heal if you’re still around. We can never be friends, not after I, foolishly, trusted you the way that I did, told you things that I’d never told anybody else, opened up to you and loved you like I never thought I’d be capable of. I cannot be happy for you when you find somebody new to love, somebody to take my place. We are now two strangers who must go their separate ways.

[mandireh]

Angola Herald, Indiana, January 23, 1931

[mandireh]

Just because you’re around a person daily, never take for granted their presence. You never know if next week is when you’ll be missing their hugs. The sound of their voice. The way they smell. The safe feeling of home that just seems to resonate through your body when you’re with them.

Never forget to say “I love you”.

[mandireh]

THE UNNAMED PIECE...

I am shattered and all the tears are leaking through the cracks, extinguishing the fire that once burned in my heart.

I am an ocean of feelings that I no longer want to feel, over and over again lapping at the beach, but gaining no traction in the sand.

I am scared and alone in my grief, afraid of drowning in my own tears, but the only person that I long for will not come to my rescue.

The brain is smart, it tells me to begin forging my armor and proceed with caution, but the heart is dumb... swollen with the unsolicited love that, despite it’s anguish, it still only wants to endlessly pour out.

I am a fool, grasping at the straws of false hope that this will end well, leaving open the door to my heart that can surely only end in it’s demise once again.

I suppose I did always say “you can break my heart now or later”, I just never thought you’d pick both.

-a.n.

[mandireh]

I fell in love with the monster under my bed.

She was the bogeyman who disguised herself as my weighted blanket,

Tangled up around me every night,

Wrapping me up in a twisted fairytale where the mirror on the wall told me that SHE is the fairest of them all.

-a.n.

[mandireh]

“I want to love you like the moon loves the night and light up your darkness.”

-a.n.

[mandireh]

I miss you...

Just kidding, I’m glad you’re out of my life and you can go fuck yourself.

[mandireh]

This is my first ever realistic human body sketch. There’s always room for improvement, but I’m super proud for my first attempt!

[mandireh]

“I tried to be exactly what she needed me to be and that was my first mistake.”

Never change for anybody but yourself

-a.n.

[mandireh]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)  

No, I’m not a gold star lesbian... I tried to be straight while in high school and dated guys. My mom told me “cheerleaders aren’t gay!” Once I came out though, I’ve never dated or been with another guy and never will.

[mandireh]

I REMEMBER

It was October 2, 2010 and I remember.

They got me intoxicated, but I remember.

I was put into bed with a married man that night.

I remember.

I felt him slide close to me, but I couldn’t move.

I remember.

There was this sinking feeling as I felt his hand travel up and down my body.

I remember.

Anguish, his hand slid under my pants.

I remember.

The next day: “nothing happened” but I remember.

My body hurts, showers aren’t long enough.

I remember.

Thought I was safe, but my security was stolen.

I remember.

It was October 3rd, 2011, but I remember.

-a.n.

[mandireh]

[mandireh]

“Dating her was like trying to eat cereal with a fork”

-My sense of humor

-a.n.