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niccolites · 5 months ago

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febrile (or; input vs output)

simon 'ghost' riley x fem!reader

He expects some kind of betrayal, for you to hiss and snap at him. Image of the NCPD, accepting your cyberware one week and raiding your clinic the other.

Instead you stand to the side and watch with him as the other officers dig through your stuff. They’re a bit too enthusiastic, your tray gets flipped over and your bench kicked over to check underneath and it isn’t righted again.

Simon watches you, uncaring that he should be watching his men. You tilt your head back and look up at him, you aren’t half his size but it’s a close thing. He thinks he likes that, watching the top of your spine disappear into your neck just to look at him, the arch of your throat. Traces his eyes over it, tendons and a vulnerable jugular, pushed out for him.

or: Simon is a member of the Night City Police Department and you're a ripper doc. It is his job to catch criminals, but even he can admit, he's taken a different approach for you. CYBERPUNK!AU

TAGS: Dubious Consent, Power Imbalance, Size Kink, Unhealthy Relationships

read here on ao3

Simon’s got a bug in his system that is turning his vision white at the edges when he finally visits you.

Not that he has much of a morality regarding visiting ripperdocs. Sure, they’re criminals and as a member of the NCPD, it is his job to arrest and charge criminal activity, but that was a rigid rule set decades ago. These days, the split between the NCPD and a common gang is that the rules the gang lives by aren’t written into the law. But, allowances are allowed on both sides.

Simon has never cared much to think about it. He sees some other officers have that blank look in their eye after they finish a shift, others who seem to revel in being able to do whatever it is that they want. Simon just does as he’s told. If he’s told to save the woman who survived a cyberpsycho attack then she is tossed over a shoulder and brought to the ambulance. If otherwise, a nod is all he needs to know that there are no witnesses. Finger, gun, trigger. The explosion in the palm of his hand, kicked back and caught. Delivered.

Maybe it has left a screw loose in his head. Not his job to analyse that.

Flouting the law as and when it suits the law is a part of the job. Not one that Simon has much indulged in, he must admit. Any murder, extortion, crime that is involved in the ‘etcetera’ part of his work, has been asked of him. His fellow officers flout the law as and when it suits them. Illegal weapons, killing a perp who gets too mouthy, maybe getting a bit too handsy with a victim. Simon hasn’t been much interested in the ‘benefits’ he can reap with his badge.

However, after a job where the NCPD took down a group of scavengers, Simon’s vision starts getting spotty. He’d had to jack into one of the victims to see if they were still alive. Horrible static, bad channel. They hadn’t been. And seemingly willing to haunt him from the afterlife, leaving a pesky virus in his system.

There are NCPD designated docs that he could go and visit, but the idea of letting one of their starched, freshly pressed hands go worming around in his cyberware makes his skin crawl. Years before his official service, he’d had all his kit installed by a ripperdoc, and he hadn’t had an issue he couldn’t fix himself since.

He spends a few days just trying to deal with it, still able to hit his shots using the noise that all criminals insist on making. He can still mostly see, even a few days in. Maybe not make out features, but people are blurry and morphed shapes that approach him and he puts them down with the same accuracy as before.

It’s not long before his captain pulls him up, though. Forces him to admit the bug, and issues a new command. Sort it out.

Standing in the doorway of your clinic, hidden in his civvies, here he is. Sorting it out.

You’re in the middle of muddling around with some of your equipment, humming to yourself before you must catch sight of him. The blur of your figure jumps, as your face comes into profile. You must be intimidated by the sight of him, something that he registers with a cool type of pleasure. Even not in his uniform and clearly strapped with all of his weapons, he blocks the light coming in from your doorway. You must see the metal of his left arm, nothing human left there. The gas mask that covers half of his face, black and stark against the pale of his skin.

“Hello. How can I help?” you ask, shifting something up your forehead. It distorts ths shape of your head and he realises that they must be massive goggles. Ridiculous, he imagines you must look like the image of the crazy scientist from old stories; you probably have a lab coat on. He wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your reputation, known as one of the best ripperdocs in Watson, even if you are as cheap as they say.

Ripperdocs are the gray area in Night City. Criminals, yes, but the hassle of actually taking down ripperdocs is more than it’s worth. Not that Simon tends to give a fuck about the politics, or the give and take of crime vs law. He is a bullet, pointed in a direction and shot out.

“I got a bug in my system,” he says, taking another step into your clinic.

You nod, gesture for him to take a seat on your bench. Something out of a dentist’s nightmare, he imagines, but he takes a seat nonetheless. Despite lying down, everything in him is as tense as a straight line. Gaze landed and caught on you, lazy as he watches you drift around your clinic. His vision is filtering your clinic as starkly white, the outline of your light grey. You both may as well be in void, he can only see the outline of objects as they get close to him.

You swing your chair around and pick up a wire. “You cool if I take a look?” you offer, gesturing with the wire. His forearm is already tense with the instinct to catch your hand before you can plug that into the side of his neck. His metal gasmask covers the slot anyway.

A beat, in which you look back at him. He considers making it awkward, telling you no or something. Settles on nodding and watches the way you flounder for a moment when you realise you can’t reach the slot. You’re paused, flatering in the space between the two of you.

“Can you take off your mask?” you ask. Your voice is deliberately light, but he can hear the catch of annoyance underlying your tone. It makes him want to grin, wonders how you look right now, if you’re frowning at him or trying to hide it with a smile.

“No,” he tells you. A beat. You don’t move or attempt to say anything else. Stalemate, when he can’t see how you look. “There’s a catch on the side, you unlatch that to reach the slot.”

You don’t say anything else, and he’s irritated by that. Relying on noise when the other individual doesn’t want to make any noise just leaves him listeless. You reach up, click open a section of his mask and plug in. You turn away, pull what must be a tray towards yourself. You must have plugged him into your laptop, your figure hunched towards it.

You cluck your tongue, goggles shifting across your brow as you gaze at your screen. “This is a nasty one, how’d you catch this?” He decides that’s not relevant and watches you instead. You give him a quick glance, head tilting his way, but decide to shrug off his strange silence. “I’ll just be a moment while I clear it. Seems to have caught onto a lot of your neural sensors, I’m surprised you can still walk.”

His chest doesn’t puff out with pride, but it’s a close thing. You tinker away at it, finally clearing it from his system. The whites that had clouded his vision clears, and he can see you in high definition finally. Can see the pores next to your nose, the frizz around the strap of your goggles as it disappears into your hair. You’re giving him an evaluating look, your eyes intent even as the rest of your body is deliberately loose. You don’t seem to have much chrome on you, thin lines of metal around your eyes, and a scanner on your right palm. He doubts you have much more.

“There we are, good as new,” you tell him, leaning back in your chair with a pleased huff. You give him another long look, but this time he can see the widen and pinprick of your retina. He wonders how he comes up in the scan that you must’ve pulled up the second he was in your doorway. Cop, ex-army, de-commissioned, KIA but here, in the (mostly) flesh. You don’t give any of it away, just shut your laptop and unplug him.

You hadn’t asked for payment upfront, and he imagines just walking out. Wonders if you would scowl at him, if you would expect it, maybe scowl for once. Drop that calm look on your face in exchange for something a bit uglier.

There is a long beat that he draws out to see what you will do, but you only sit patiently. You turn back to your laptop, tapping away on something else now. It’s not fun if you’re not biting, he sends you what he decides must be your standard fee, watches you tilt your head to the side at the chime of money exchanged.

He doesn’t thank you, just gets up and leaves. You didn’t close the latch on the side of his mask, and he considers marching back and making you do it, but decides to save it for another day. He closes it himself for now, and fancies that he can feel the finger print that you left behind on it, evidence.

The first warrant he comes back with is legitimate. Cyberpyschos are going mental over the bridge, and they have a faint enough lead that shows some of the cyberware tracing back to yourself. He knocks on your door and watches your face when he presents it to you.

He expects some kind of betrayal, for you to hiss and snap at him. Image of the NCPD, accepting your cyberware one week and raiding your clinic the other.

He imagines reaching over and holding his hand over the soft column of your throat. You’ve left it bare, you’d likely barely have any time to start flailing before he’d squeeze with intent and you’d drop, caught in the palm of his hand. If you can sense his thoughts, you don’t give it away, just watch him in return, blinking like a stray cat. Curious but wary.

“You know, Officer Riley, if you wanted to see me again, you didn’t have to bring the official signed document,” you say, gesturing with the hologram that was on the chip he presented to you. It’s slightly flirty, but cautious, like you’re padding around an interrogation room, but you don’t know what he’s done yet.

He doesn’t say anything. You smile back, as if he had responded, and let it lie. Your eyes are sharp, he imagined he could hear the whir as you scanned each of his men as they came in, but your smile and limbs are loose, like you are unaware of everything. Your teeth are blunt, but he imagines the cut of one against the metal of his forearm.

They don’t find anything, and one of his men huffs, giving you a dirty look. You’re asked what you work as and your smile doesn’t slip. “I help those with addiction, this is a place for them to speak, to be treated,” you answer.

“Treated?” one of his men pushes, giving Simon a look. It’s a terrible lie, so bad that Simon reckons they’ll have a hard time proving it’s not true. This is a shitty area, there’s likely 3 gonks in the alleyway outside lying in the gutter, high. You’re also liked enough that they could grab a random off the street and they’d lie for you easily enough.

“Simple brain dances, meditations,” you explain, rolling your head back to give Simon another look. The smile is gone, eyes gone guileless. He squints at it, suspicious and the corner of your mouth gives the faintest twitch. “Honestly, officers, whatever it is that you’re looking for, I’m sure I would not be of any help.”

One of his men steps forward as if to grab you by the arm but Simon barks at him to step back. You haven’t looked away, but you look analysing again, like you had looked at the virus in his system. “We’re done here,” Simon announces and steps back before you can say anything else. Leaves you with your trashed clinic and his warrant on the chip he gave you.

Simon falls asleep later and dreams of you with a scalpel in your hands, and when you cut into him, there is no blood.

Simon sees you again, but this time you’re outside. It bristles him, seeing you standing on an open street. Your sides are bare and before he can think about it too much, he’s cut his eyes around every alleyway around you. Making sure that there is no one on the rooftops. Traffic roars past and he grits his teeth. There's been a spike in drive-by shootings, gangs nipping at each other’s heels in a show of territory.

He’s over to you before he can stop himself, a hulking mass at your back, shielding you from the view of the road. He would tell himself that he is doing his duty as an officer, but he has always been a self-interested man, and never cared much to lie to himself.

You startle as his shadow swallows you up, turning around to blink up at him. You squint at the sight of him. “Officer,” you greet. He grunts in response, which makes you almost roll your eyes.

You turn back to the stall you were standing at, humming over some mods for sale.

The man at the stall is terrified at the introduction of Simon, pale and nodding mindlessly as you start to barter. Simon imagines if he flashes his holster then you would even get the mod for free, a thought which amuses him. You'd likely get even more annoyed, which he does want to see.

As if you can sense his thoughts, you wrap up the exchange quickly and step away, Simon following at your back. “There something you want from me, officer?” You ask, giving him a look over your shoulder. He stares back at you, unyielding.

He’s unsettled suddenly, imagining how often you must be outside of your clinic. He hadn’t thought of it, had only imagined you were constrained in those four walls. The door had shut behind him and he had left you there, a still picture until he would return eventually. Waiting, like a good girl, sat by the door.

“You going home?” he asks you. Tells you.

You give him another look. He wants the crack of your skull in his palms, like the clean split of a watermelon. Wants to parse through your thoughts, wants to have them before they even fully form on your own.

“Yeah, I got what I needed,” you reply. He grunts, follows you until you tilt towards the side streets that lead back to your clinic. Barely any safer, but at least it’s not the open street, and he has his orders to patrol here. He watches you as you disappear around a corner. His gums itch, his tongue flexes in his mouth. He is a wild dog held back with a tattered leash, but he respects it all the same, heads back to his post, but keeps his ear tilted in the direction you went in.

He comes back again, and the warrant isn’t even real. He stares you down, wants you to open it, wants the reaction to his baldfaced lie. You take the chip and step aside to let him in. There’s a cut across your brow, purple bruising around it and he can’t look away from it. White in his vision again, he’s starting to suspect you’ve put another virus in his system, infecting him. He blinks and it clears, but the distrust stays like a rotting in his core.

He wants to dig his teeth into the edge of the metal in your palms and peel it up, wants the imprint of his teeth somewhere on you that you couldn’t replace with technology. He thought about you while he fucked his fist in the shower, and you had been beneath him, teary-eyed as he broke you in on his cock. He wants to fuck you until you drop that questioning look in your eye and bare your throat for him again.

“Look at the warrant,” he tells you. You smile up at him, like he is someone charming. He’s not, and he wants the reaction that he has sought out of you.

“Won’t it just say what all of them say?” you point out, leaning back against your desk. “Something that may have something to do with me, and here you are.” He stays silent, stares you down. “Do you want me to be a criminal?”

“You are one,” Simon rebuttals. That’s why he’s here. You need to be, he needs to catch you. He dreamt of chasing you down a network, jumping between wires and static until he caught your hips in his hands and crushed them. His desire for you is entwined with the dichotomy of your identities. He isn’t much interested in forcing you to become a legal law-abiding citizen, as he is pushing the two of you further into the roles that you are in.

“You know what I mean,” you add, pushing off of your desk and stepping towards him. A step away and he reaches his metal hand out, clamps your jaw in his palm. You let him, like you always seem to do, and it’s like pure heroin, lights something up in him.

“Who did this?” he asks, your chin in his palm, his thumb on your eyebrow. Right on the cut. He thinks if it was him that put it there, he might dig in a little, but he wasn’t. It’s hidden from view like this, with the edge of your eyebrow, disappeared behind his ugly, metal thumb.

“Got jumped by some asshole who thought he was hot shit,” you say, easily. The way you say everything, no pit-stop between your brain and your mouth. He wants to dig his tongue into the back of your throat and catch the words there, drink them down.

“Who?” he asks. You shrug and he shakes your jaw like a bad dog. “Who?” he repeats, tone biting. There’s a twitch in your eye at being roughhoused but you don’t step back.

You give a name, raising an eyebrow at him. He vaguely recognises it, some asshole who’s been causing trouble in Watson. Some wannabe gangbanger. He butts his head against yours, too hard to be truly affectionate before he leaves. His gas mask bumps against your cheek, leaves a red mark on your jaw from where his metal fingers dug in.

He shoots the fucker who jumped you, and dumps his body in the river. He watches it float, knowing it’ll be found. When they see the NCPD bullet extracted from his brain, he’ll be dumped back out again. Simon thinks about allowances, thinks about ropes of wire and how they snap. Rubber ripped, coil exposed.

He comes to see you again, this time in the middle of the night, wanting to see what you look like when you’ve just woken up. He imagines you’ll be pliant, let him shift you around as he wishes, sleep in your eye and a dream still dragging on your limbs.

You open the door and rub your eyes. Your hair is a little ruffled from your bed, blinking up at him with thick-cottoned eyes. He smiles with teeth beneath his gas mask at how awareness flickers into your eyes before you force a yawn. You’re so quick, which is why it’s always so satisfying to catch you.

“Something I can help with, officer?” you ask, leaning against the doorframe.

“Let me in,” he tells you. Demands it of you. It would be so easy to force his way in, but he likes it when you do as he tells you to.

“You got a warrant for that?” you ask, scrubbing a hand over your jaw. Eye him like he’s your patient again, like you’re finding that virus in his system and cutting it out.

“No,” he replies. Watches your expression, the subtle tick of your brow at his bold-faced honesty.

He wonders if you’ll shut the door on him. Make him peel the metal back to get in anyway. He would, he’s saved up his allowances and he plans on cashing them out on you.

You give him another long look before you step to the side and let him in. The door slides shut with a wheeze and a soft thunk.

“Is there something that you would like to say, Officer Riley,” you say, as if it’s a question but your voice doesn’t lilt at the end. He wants to catalogue every one of your reactions and keep them to himself, squirrelled away, out of the sight of anyone else. That is something beyond liking you, beyond attraction. Simon feels possessive of everything about you, like he might cave someone’s skull in if they saw too much of you.

Simon’s never been too much of a talker, he steps forward and crowds you into the desk that has all of your equipment on it. You blink up at him, perfectly still in the way that prey animals are, when they know they’re caught. The rabbit-like flutter of your heart, caught in the palm of his hand as he cups your neck. Thumb against the soft give just beneath your chin. “Simon,” he tells you, although he knows you already must know. He never told you he was Officer Riley, knows that you must have pried your way into whatever confidential information that you could find on your scan of him.

“Well, that doesn’t feel appropriate, Officer Riley,” you point out. Your calm tone is undermined by the kick of your pulse. His fingers flex, held back with a trained restraint. He likes knowing you’re afraid of him, like that you talk back to him anyway. Like watching a kitten yowl at a beast. Cute.

“Simon,” he repeats, bending his head closer to you, A hunch in his shoulders, and his face still isn’t that close to yours.

A quiet beat. “Simon,” you repeat. Your voice is flat, as if you’re trying to take the enjoyment out of it for him. He huffs with something like amusement. He gets his rocks off here, having his way in your clinic, the feel of your skin against the scar tissue of his human hand. You could be scowling or smiling, and he’d like either once he’s got his fingers in your mouth.

He reaches his other hand up and undoes his gas mask, lets it drop off and sets it on the desk next to your hip. Hoists you up, catches the kick of your leg, steps into the cradle of your thighs. “There we go,” he tells you. Your eyes have taken in the exposed section of his face. Ripped skin, some replaced by chrome, most of it left to heal as is. He knows that he is an ugly sight, a hulking, horrible man, hunched over you. He doesn’t care much what you have to say about it.

He ducks his head and looks you in the eye, even playing ground. You glare back at him and he grins with teeth. He hopes that you bite him, seals his mouth over yours. Your tongue is wet and he tilts your head back, wanting to get into your throat. You bite his tongue and he groans, his other hand pushing your hips into his. He grinds into you, huffing into your mouth. He memorises each point of your teeth, sucks your tongue into his mouth and blinks at you with half-closed eyes.

He pulls back with a wet smack, which leaves your cheeks flushed. “Show me your tits,” he tells you, hands flat on your desk, framing your hips. You don’t move, glaring up at him again. He gives you a lazy look, like you’re boring him now. If anything, the hateful look in your eye has made him even harder, if it were possible. “Now.”

“Such a dick,” you mutter to yourself, reaching for the buttons of your pyjama shirt and slipping it off. There’s a fine tremble in your hands before you still them with a calming breath. He was right on his first impression of you - that you barely have any chrome on you. Your skin is soft looking, no harsh metal on your torso. Restricted to the framing of metal around your eyes, your right palm.

He smooths his metal hand up your side, watches gooseflesh and vellus hair raise in its wake. Cups one of your breasts in his cold metal palm. Almost coos at the sight of your nipple pebbling as his thumb swipes over it. Restrains himself at the last second, but gives into the urge to give you a mean pinch as retribution for your filthy mouth. You jump, a hitch in your breath. He smirks at you, hopes you can see the chip in his canine. “Behave,” he tells you, reaching for the waistband of your bottoms. Maybe once he’s drunk his fill, he can indulge the bite of your mouth, but his skin feels stretched thin over chrome and bone, and he wants what’s his and he wants it readily.

There’s a jump in your abdomen as his hand dwarves your hip, tugging your pyjama bottoms off and tosses them behind him. He spreads your thighs, peaks at the curls the cover your sex. All of the dolls in Night City are clean shaven. He likes this better, likes that you hadn’t been expecting him, and here he is anyway. He makes a mental reminder to bin all of your razors if he gets a chance.

He parts your sex with two fingers, huffing at the sight. So sweet, even with your strange looks and your filthy mouth. Sweet as sugar down here, your hole fluttering, your clit hidden under its hood like it’s shy. His hands are a cage around the span of your waist, squeezes in warning before he thuds to his knees and flattens his tongue against you. You whimper at the contact, manage to strangle the noise just barely. When he seals his mouth over your clit and sucks, you yowl, thighs kicking out. He squeezes them in place over his shoulders, barely jostled.

He brings one hand down from your waist, lifts his head, a string of saliva connecting him to your clit. It’s out now, throbbing and awake. He spits on it, watches you flinch with it. Spittle drips down, sits on the slick that has gathered at your hole. He feeds you one finger, groans as he watches your flesh part for him, and feels how hot you are inside. You're tight, he can feel muscle clamp down around his index, clinging to him. “Need to relax, sweetheart, or my cock’s gonna break you,” he tells you. It almost feels like a struggle to even feed you one finger, something that leaves a strangled feeling in his chest.

“Do one,” you reply, eloquently. But you don’t kick him off you or anything, so he just gives you another look. He’s being too indulgent with you, he knows. But, it’s better to let a puppy misbehave so they know what’s not tolerated. Training for another day, he lowers his head and licks at the stretch of your pussy around his finger.

He slides his finger in and out of you, gives you another when your panting starts to hitch up, rubbing his thumb over your clit when you whine at the stretch. You start whining out swears, hips jolting forward and then back again as if you want to come, but don’t want him to give it to you.

His third finger is pushing it, he knows because you start clawing at his scalp, sharp little nails. He groans hot onto your clit, which has you shaking. You’re wet with sweat, he can see the shine of it on the curve of your belly, on the strip of skin between your tits.

He slows the pump of his fingers, idly toying your clit with his tongue. He debates if you should be allowed to come. He doesn’t want you knowing that he finds your pissy words amusing, doesn’t want to overly encourage it. However, you haven’t tried to run, or punch him or anything of that ilk. He knows that you can’t help the kick of your hind legs. He pinned you down with teeth at your throat, and he knows that you’re trying so hard to behave. Besides, sinking his cock into you is already going to be a struggle, nevermind if you aren’t loose and pliant for him.

He curls his fingers, sucks your clit, chasing your orgasm like it’s his last meal. A test in his restraint. He thinks that he wants this more than you do. Your lungs stutter, shaking as your hands cradle his head. You’re muttering to yourself, ‘please’ spilling out of you, again and again. Another mean suck and your shriek, back bowing and he feels the clench of your cunt around his fingers.

He fingers you through it, until you are almost sobbing, trying to crawl away from him, but held in place with his metal hand that has slipped to the small of your back. He gives your clit a kiss, mean and hard just to watch it throb before he gets up off his knees with a groan. He;s getting too old to be kneeling on tile like that. He’ll fuck you in a bed next time, if you’re good.

He slides his fingers out of you, unbuttons his trousers. You stare at him, vaguely out of it as you try to catch your breath. Awareness seems to slam back into you as he fishes his cock out. He’s big, he knows this, but the way your eyes widen like he’s pulled a gun on you has him chuckling to himself. “That’s not going to fit,” you tell him, tone dead.

“Enough flirting,” he tells you, catching your legs over his forearms and dragging you to the edge of your counter.

“You’re deranged,” you snark. He’s amused, watching the anger tugging at your scowl, naked beneath him, and your slick caught in the curls between your legs.

He gives the side of your thigh a firm smack, catching the jump of your body. “Watch that mouth, or I’ll put it to use,” he warns you. You glare up at him, but don’t say anything else. A shame, but he does have to have a firm hand with you.

He takes his cock and grinds it against you, parting your curls to get to the hot, wet flesh beneath. He catches the head of his cock against your clit, slicks himself up, knowing that he’ll need it if the greedy suck of your cunt around his fingers is any indication. He pulls back and lines himself up. He understands what you’re saying, the mushroom shaped head dwarves the small hole that flutters as he presses against it lightly. It’s hard to imagine fitting in there, even given that he has tried to prepare you.

You don’t seem to understand how bullheaded Simon is, though. He hasn’t chased anything that he hasn’t caught yet. A tense of his wide bicep and he starts to push into you, metal hand on the base of his cock, the other lightly rubbing your clit in circles to get you to give way.

There’s a moment where he thinks it might not happen, you’re starting to flush, face shining with sweat. Then there’s a shudder and your cunt parts, splits, sweet fruit halving and the head slips inside. You both groan, his head dropping onto your collar as he pushes further into you. You’re slick, he can feel your cunt sucking at him.

You start to whimper as he pushes further into you. His thumb rubs up and down on your clit, insistent even as if you try to cringe away from him. Shallowly thrusts, keeps pushing until you start to give way. You thump your fist against his chest, the impact bouncing off of chrome. He barely acknowledges it, and continues grinding into you.

He bottoms out, groans into your collarbone. “There we go, there we are, sweet girl,” he tells you. The muscles in your back loosen at the praise, feels tense flesh give out into his metal hand.

He pulls fully out and slams into you, and you whine, hands on his shoulders and clinging. “Simon -” you start, but he shifts both his hands onto the back of your knees and pushes them up to your shoulders. He can see the stretch of your cunt around him like this, the spread of your legs for the monstrous size of him. He feels dizzy with it, can’t stop himself from pulling almost all of the way out of you before slamming inside. His eyes almost roll back into his head, and you sob, nails digging into the flesh that he has on his back.

Your knees over his forearms, he braces his hands on your hips and he starts thrusting into you, pleasure zipping up his spine. Breathy sounds are punched out of you each time his thighs slap into yours. There’s a heat rising in him, catching and flaming.

He lifts his torso up, looks down on you. It’s like he thought, the prick of tears in the corner of your eyes, the swollen spread of your pussy around him. He drops one of your legs in favour of flattening his palm against your throat. Your pulse is fat in his palm. He catches it there, feels the ricochet into the meat of his hand.

You clench down on him and he groans, bares his teeth at you. “You like that, huh?” he asks you, flexing his fingers over the tendons of your neck. Your mouth is open, he can see the pink flash of it in your mouth. You try to shake your head but another hard thrust just sends it rocking back instead, another moan gritting through your teeth again.

He digs into you, flexes the metal in his legs to thrust into you hard and fast. Exertion is an old friend, and he takes it into his stride. He is only starting to pant a little, but you’re running hot and have been for a while.

Pleasure is molten hot at his pelvis, and each time his hips meet yours, cock kissing your cervix, his vision whites out at the sides. The virus that you must have planted in him is deteriorating in his system, leaving him almost mindless. He’s chasing you, still, even with you caught between his body and your desk. Breath like steam pouring out of his mouth, saliva pooling under his tongue as he realises that you’re within reach.

You stare up at him, eyes wide. The vision of your head held up by his hand is enough to finish him off. He slams into you a few more times, groaning deep in his chest while you squeak, spills hotly in you, grinds to draw out the spark that glares in his vision until he stills.

A moment of quiet, air thick with sex and sweat. He drops his head against yours with a thunk as your skulls collide. Feels the buzz of your grunt in your throat with his hand still nestled there.

“You got a bed back there?” he asks, temple against yours.

“Not telling you,” you mutter, sounding wrung-out and gutted. He snorts, scoops you up in his arms, stepping back from your desk, holding you up. Still have a smart mouth. But, he has the patience to get that out of you. Not all of it though, but he won’t tell you that.

A week later, a missing report for a ripperdoc in Watson hits Simon’s desk. He shreds it, and it sounds like the chime of an allowance, cashed in.

#simon riley x reader #simon riley #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x reader #cod x reader #cod #call of duty x reader #call of duty #nic writes #cyberpunk au #cw dubcon #hes sooooo nasty i need him terribly #he's my pookie (exact thought that lands this reader in immediate trouble)#anyway i have tagged this as dubcon #but its more on the lighter side than my usual #at least i think so. will welcome thoughts on that lol

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clairewritesfanfics · 30 days ago

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Quick Transmigration: Villain Creation System MASTERLIST

Pairing: Mark Grayson x Reader x Invincible Variants

Synopsis:

You died. Literally. The process itself was nothing special. The interesting part is what happened after. Instead of the abyss or paradise, a mysterious voice strikes up a deal with you in front of your fresh corpse.

[I am the Villain Creation System, if you want a second chance at life, then you must corrupt the souls of various Mark Graysons across the multiverse.] “Do I have a choice?” [Of course! Agree to our terms, or spend the rest of eternity alone and conscious of your own nonexistence, unable to move on to the next life and barred from what your ilk calls Heaven.] [ ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ ] “...okay, sold.” [Yay!]

You successfully destroyed the lives of different versions of Mark Grayson, but when it's time to claim your prize, something goes wrong and you are stuck in this godforsaken timeline. What's worse was that they have found you.

"Come with me and we will rule the universe together." "Be my wife and bear my children. No harm will ever come to you." "After you died, no one could compare to you, not even your own corpse."

You: (•_•)

General Trigger Warnings: you are literally dead, death in general, dark humor (e.g. necrophilia jokes), innuendos, mild swearing, mentions of violence and bodily harm, toxic relationships, the Marks are their own warning

Your Character Settings: AFAB

Chapter 1: Don't Mix Red Bull with Coffee

Chapter 2: Tutorial Mission START

Chapter 3: When In Doubt, Do Your Research

Chapter 4: Just Cut Their Red Thread of Fate

Chapter 5: This Boy is a Choking Hazard

Chapter 6: Square Root of a^2+b^2

Chapter 7: My Mama Done Tol' Me a Man…

Chapter 8: They Call Him–

Chapter 9: Coming Soon.

[A message from writerclaire: This story is also available on AO3 if you prefer the format there.]

Questions and Discussion about the fic

who is who

villain creation system and origins

path to destruction

how many variants

greedy for love and attention

cheat items

toxic viltrumites vs human love

maskless (gay) mark

villain reformation system

virgin viltrumite

will the marks find out the truth?

more on virgin viltrumite mark

mohawk's zipper

rizz 'im with the 'tism

1st mark's jealousy

meeting with main mark

which variants; also, angstrom?

we don't villainize love rivals here

piercings

system cheats are op

card and board games are free

random thoughts: sinister loves selfishness

fanart by @gluttonousriceflour

spoiler!! chapter 6 fanart by anon

Disclaimer: The images used in this post do not belong to writerclaire. They were lifted from the following sources:

Invincible flying

Alternate Invincibles

ദ്ദി(｡•̀ ,<)~✩‧₊

MAIN MASTERLIST

Any questions for the author? Ask here.

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secriden · 5 months ago

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No, but I love how the show makes it clear why Style’s confidence at the end of episode 7 actually makes so much sense!!!

Because while Fadel's "I love you" was a confession of defeat — after everything else Style has taken (his “I miss you” and “I want to know the real you” and “I want him to accept me for who I am” ), Fadel may as well give him this, too — Style's "I really love you" quickly becomes one of triumph.

Because for Style, the unveiling of all his secrets and lies means that he is finally free from the competing loyalties pulling him in separate directions:

...every choice Style makes, he makes with Kant and his baby brother's safety on one shoulder and the possibility that Fadel won't choose him if he knows the truth on the other -- from this meta post

And because all of Style's truths are exposed, not only does this (literally) strip Style bare, it also binds him in ties only of Fadel's making (thank you @thisautistic). Because if Fadel Knows, then so does Bison, and that means that Kant’s entire deception is already over, and there was nothing Style could have done to prevent it. All that Style has left to truly fear is Fadel walking away from him.

But what Style also knows now is that Fadel found out, and his response was to slow dance with Style, confess his love to Style, find him in his home and feather butterfly kisses onto Style's cheeks and dial his affection and the intensity of his desire for Style up so high that even Style could sense that something was off.

(yeah i'm still very much not okay about this parallel, actually ; A ; somebody HOLD ME)

And even in this moment — with tears glimmering in his eyes and equal parts agony and fury laced through his words — Fadel's hand trembles while holding a gun with the safety still on (forever grateful to @wuxian-vs-wangji for this detail!!! T_T) and still failed to pull the trigger.

And that makes these ropes a blessing, not a curse, because they tie Style to Fadel, a tether that Style will hold on to with everything he's got because as long as Style still has this — as long as Fadel will still give Style his anger (his desire) and his hurt (his trust) and his retribution (his attention, his focus, his care) — the possibility of reforging their love still glimmers in the distance.

Which is why Style isn't afraid at the end. Fadel has already failed (to kill him, to cut him off, to leave him behind). Has, instead, only managed to show all his cards to Style, and in them Style reads a future eminently lovely and bright.

#the heart killers #the heart killers the series #fadelstyle #style fadel #thk meta #style sattawat meta #fadelstyle meta #hui talks thk #hui talks thai bl #thk ep 7 #my brain won't let style go i just adore him so much #also BLESS all the lovely insight coming out from this fadom #THIS is why i love consuming media while IN COMMUNITY <3333

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aeth-eris · 1 year ago

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Ghosted vs. Ghostee Moon Signs Emotional Reactions.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Aries):

Initial Reaction: When initially ghosted, individuals with Moon in Aries might feel a surge of emotions, including confusion, frustration, and even anger. Aries is a sign associated with action and independence, so they might struggle with the sudden lack of closure and direct communication.

Resilience: Despite the initial emotional impact, Moon in Aries individuals are resilient and quick to bounce back. They have a proactive approach to life and are unlikely to dwell on the situation for too long. Instead, they prefer to focus on moving forward and pursuing their own goals and interests.

Self-Focus: After being ghosted, individuals with Moon in Aries are likely to prioritize themselves and their own needs. They may channel their energy into activities that boost their confidence and independence, using the experience as motivation to assert themselves even more in other areas of their life.

Direct Communication: While they may initially feel hurt or frustrated, Moon in Aries individuals value honesty and directness. They may eventually seek closure by reaching out to the person who ghosted them or by expressing their feelings openly and assertively.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Aries):

Assertiveness: When in the position of ghosting someone else, individuals with Moon in Aries are likely to be direct and assertive in their actions. They prioritize their own needs and desires, and if they feel a relationship is no longer serving them, they won't hesitate to cut ties.

Guilt vs. Rationalization: While they may feel a sense of guilt about potentially hurting the other person, Moon in Aries individuals are adept at rationalizing their actions. They may justify ghosting as a necessary step for their own personal growth or independence, especially if they feel the relationship was holding them back.

Moving On Quickly: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Aries are unlikely to dwell on feelings of guilt or remorse for long. They prefer to keep moving forward and may quickly throw themselves into new experiences and opportunities, focusing on what lies ahead rather than dwelling on the past.

Potential Regret: Despite their assertive nature, Moon in Aries individuals may occasionally experience moments of regret or doubt about their decision to ghost someone, especially if they later realize the impact it had on the other person. However, they are unlikely to dwell on these feelings for long, choosing instead to focus on their own personal growth and independence.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Taurus):

Deep Emotional Impact: Moon in Taurus individuals are deeply rooted in their emotions and value stability and security in relationships. Being ghosted can deeply wound their sense of security, leading to feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Slow to Recover: Unlike some other moon signs, Moon in Taurus individuals may take longer to recover from being ghosted. They are slow to adapt to change and may struggle to let go of the emotional attachment they had to the relationship.

Need for Closure: Individuals with Moon in Taurus crave stability and closure. They may find it challenging to move on without understanding why they were ghosted and may seek closure through direct communication or introspection.

Self-Worth Issues: Being ghosted can trigger feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy in Moon in Taurus individuals. They may question their own worthiness and attractiveness, struggling to understand why the other person chose to end the relationship abruptly.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Taurus):

Struggle with Decision: Moon in Taurus individuals value stability and security in relationships, making the decision to ghost someone challenging for them. They may wrestle with their emotions and feel guilty about causing pain to the other person.

Prioritize Comfort: Despite their guilt, Moon in Taurus individuals may prioritize their own comfort and well-being when choosing to ghost someone. If they feel the relationship is no longer fulfilling their needs or providing emotional security, they may opt for avoidance rather than confrontation.

Avoidance of Conflict: Moon in Taurus individuals dislike confrontation and may choose ghosting as a way to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts. They may struggle to express their true feelings and may opt for silence instead.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Taurus may experience feelings of regret or guilt, particularly if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of confrontation could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Gemini):

Curiosity and Analytical Approach: Moon in Gemini individuals are naturally curious and analytical, so when ghosted, they may respond by trying to understand the reasons behind the ghosting. They might analyze past interactions, looking for clues or signs that led to the abrupt end of communication.

Fluctuating Emotions: Gemini is an air sign known for its duality, and individuals with the Moon in Gemini may experience fluctuating emotions when ghosted. They may alternate between feelings of confusion, curiosity, and even indifference as they try to make sense of the situation.

Desire for Closure: Despite their adaptability, Moon in Gemini individuals value communication and intellectual stimulation. They may seek closure by attempting to reach out to the person who ghosted them or by engaging in self-reflection to find their own answers.

Quick to Move On: While being ghosted can initially be upsetting, Moon in Gemini individuals are adept at adapting to change and may quickly shift their focus to other interests and activities. They may view the experience as a learning opportunity and move on without dwelling on the past.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Gemini):

Rationalization and Detachment: Moon in Gemini individuals are skilled at rationalizing their emotions and may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable or confrontational situations. They may detach emotionally from the relationship, prioritizing their own freedom and independence.

Avoidance of Confrontation: Gemini is a sign associated with communication, but individuals with the Moon in Gemini may struggle with direct confrontation when it comes to ending relationships. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts.

Guilt and Inner Conflict: Despite their rationalization, Moon in Gemini individuals may experience inner conflict and guilt about ghosting someone. They may recognize the impact of their actions on the other person but struggle to address their feelings directly.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Gemini may experience moments of regret or doubt about their decision, especially if they later realize the emotional toll it took on the other person. However, their adaptable nature may allow them to quickly rationalize their actions and move forward.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Cancer):

Emotional Vulnerability: Moon in Cancer individuals are deeply attuned to their emotions and value emotional security in relationships. Being ghosted can trigger intense feelings of abandonment and rejection, causing them to retreat into their shell to protect themselves from further hurt.

Need for Emotional Connection: Cancer is a sign associated with home and family, and those with the Moon in Cancer prioritize emotional bonds and connections. They may struggle to understand why they were ghosted and may yearn for the emotional closeness they once shared with the other person.

Seeking Comfort: When ghosted, individuals with the Moon in Cancer may seek comfort and support from loved ones. They may turn to close friends or family members for reassurance and validation, needing to feel safe and loved during this vulnerable time.

Difficulty Moving On: Moon in Cancer individuals may find it challenging to move on from being ghosted, as they tend to hold onto memories and emotions deeply. They may ruminate on the relationship and what went wrong, struggling to let go of the emotional attachment they had to the other person.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Cancer):

Inner Conflict: Despite their nurturing nature, Moon in Cancer individuals may find themselves in a position where they feel compelled to ghost someone. They may experience inner conflict and guilt about hurting the other person, as they value emotional connection and empathy.

Fear of Confrontation: Cancer is a sign associated with sensitivity and avoidance of conflict, and individuals with the Moon in Cancer may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations or confrontations. They may struggle to express their true feelings and may opt for silence instead.

Protecting Emotional Boundaries: When ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Cancer may prioritize their own emotional well-being and boundaries. They may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions or the demands of the relationship and choose to retreat into their shell as a form of self-protection.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Cancer may experience feelings of guilt and regret, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may struggle with the decision to cut off communication and may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of confrontation could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Leo):

Emotional Impact: Moon in Leo individuals take pride in their relationships and invest a lot of emotional energy into them. Being ghosted can deeply wound their sense of pride and self-worth, triggering feelings of rejection and hurt.

Need for Recognition: Leo is a sign associated with pride and recognition, and those with the Moon in Leo crave attention and admiration in their relationships. Being ghosted may make them question their own worthiness and desirability.

Dramatic Response: Moon in Leo individuals may have a dramatic response to being ghosted, expressing their emotions openly and seeking validation from others. They may be vocal about their feelings and may even resort to dramatic gestures to get attention.

Seeking Reassurance: When ghosted, individuals with the Moon in Leo may seek reassurance and validation from others. They may turn to friends, family, or even social media for support, needing to feel admired and appreciated during this vulnerable time.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Leo):

Conflicted Feelings: Despite their outgoing and confident demeanor, Moon in Leo individuals may experience inner conflict when ghosting someone. They may struggle with feelings of guilt and remorse, as they dislike causing pain to others and value emotional connections.

Protecting Pride: When ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Leo may prioritize their own pride and ego. They may feel the need to assert their independence or protect themselves from perceived rejection, choosing ghosting as a way to maintain control over the situation.

Avoidance of Confrontation: Leo is a sign associated with courage and confidence, but individuals with the Moon in Leo may struggle with direct confrontation when it comes to ending relationships. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations or conflicts.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Leo may experience feelings of regret or guilt, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their pride and fear of rejection could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Virgo):

Analytical Response: Moon in Virgo individuals tend to approach emotions with a logical mindset. When ghosted, they may analyze the situation meticulously, trying to understand the reasons behind the ghosting and scrutinizing past interactions for clues.

Self-Criticism: Virgo is a sign associated with perfectionism, and those with the Moon in Virgo may be prone to self-criticism when faced with rejection. They may question what they did wrong or how they could have prevented being ghosted, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Desire for Closure: Despite their analytical nature, Moon in Virgo individuals value closure and clarity in relationships. They may seek closure by attempting to reach out to the person who ghosted them or by engaging in introspection to find their own answers.

Emotional Withdrawal: When ghosted, individuals with the Moon in Virgo may withdraw emotionally as a way to protect themselves from further hurt. They may become more reserved and cautious in future relationships, hesitant to open up fully.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Virgo):

Rationalization of Actions: Moon in Virgo individuals may rationalize ghosting as a logical decision based on practical considerations. They may believe that ending communication abruptly is the most efficient way to avoid conflict or discomfort.

Avoidance of Confrontation: Virgo is a sign associated with modesty and a dislike of confrontation, and individuals with the Moon in Virgo may choose ghosting as a way to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts. They may struggle to express their true feelings and may opt for silence instead.

Self-Protection: When ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Virgo may prioritize their own emotional well-being and boundaries. They may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions or the demands of the relationship and choose to retreat as a form of self-protection.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Virgo may experience feelings of guilt and regret, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of confrontation and discomfort with emotional expression could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Libra):

Emphasis on Harmony: Moon in Libra individuals prioritize harmony and balance in relationships. Being ghosted can disrupt this sense of harmony and trigger feelings of confusion and imbalance.

Desire for Closure: Individuals with the Moon in Libra value clear communication and fairness in relationships. When ghosted, they may seek closure and understanding, wanting to know why the other person chose to end communication abruptly.

Fear of Rejection: Libra is a sign associated with partnerships and cooperation, and those with the Moon in Libra may fear rejection and abandonment in relationships. Being ghosted can amplify these fears and lead to feelings of insecurity.

Seeking Validation: When ghosted, individuals with the Moon in Libra may seek validation and support from others. They may turn to friends or loved ones for reassurance, needing to feel valued and appreciated during this vulnerable time.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Libra):

Avoidance of Conflict: Moon in Libra individuals value peace and harmony and may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable confrontations or conflicts. They may struggle to express their true feelings and may opt for silence instead.

Inner Conflict: Despite their desire to avoid conflict, individuals with Moon in Libra may experience inner conflict when ghosting someone. They may feel guilty about causing pain to the other person and may wrestle with feelings of indecision and uncertainty.

Idealization of Relationships: Libra is a sign associated with idealism and romance, and individuals with the Moon in Libra may struggle with the reality of ending relationships. They may hold onto idealized notions of love and partnership, making it difficult for them to acknowledge when a relationship is no longer working.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Libra may experience feelings of regret and guilt, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of confrontation and discomfort with conflict resolution could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Scorpio):

Intense Emotional Response: Moon in Scorpio individuals experience emotions deeply and intensely. Being ghosted can trigger feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and vulnerability, leading to a profound emotional reaction.

Desire for Truth: Scorpio is a sign associated with depth and investigation, and those with the Moon in Scorpio have a strong desire to uncover the truth. When ghosted, they may obsessively analyze the situation, searching for hidden motives or underlying reasons behind the ghosting.

Fear of Loss of Control: Scorpio is also associated with power and control, and being ghosted can challenge their sense of control in relationships. They may feel powerless and exposed, struggling to accept the sudden loss of connection.

Potential for Vengeful Thoughts: While not all Moon in Scorpio individuals will act on it, being ghosted can sometimes trigger vengeful thoughts or behaviors. They may feel a strong urge to seek revenge or retaliate against the person who ghosted them, especially if they perceive it as an act of betrayal.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Scorpio):

Guarded Emotions: Moon in Scorpio individuals are highly guarded with their emotions and may choose ghosting as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability. They may fear being hurt or rejected and may use silence as a defensive mechanism.

Fear of Confrontation: Scorpio is a sign associated with intensity and confrontation, but individuals with the Moon in Scorpio may struggle with direct confrontation when it comes to ending relationships. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid difficult conversations or conflicts.

Desire for Closure: Despite their inclination towards secrecy, Moon in Scorpio individuals may still desire closure in relationships. They may struggle with feelings of guilt and inner turmoil, wanting to end the relationship cleanly but finding it difficult to express their true feelings.

Potential Regret: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Scorpio may experience feelings of guilt and regret, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of vulnerability and emotional exposure could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Sagittarius):

Optimistic Outlook: Moon in Sagittarius individuals tend to have an optimistic and forward-thinking attitude. When ghosted, they may initially feel disappointed, but they are quick to bounce back and maintain a positive outlook on life.

Desire for Freedom: Sagittarius is a sign associated with freedom and independence, and those with the Moon in Sagittarius may not be as emotionally attached to relationships as others. They may see being ghosted as a sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be and may embrace the opportunity for new experiences and adventures.

Seeking Understanding: Despite their optimistic nature, Moon in Sagittarius individuals value truth and understanding. When ghosted, they may seek closure by attempting to understand the other person's perspective or by reflecting on the lessons learned from the experience.

Focus on Personal Growth: After being ghosted, individuals with Moon in Sagittarius are likely to focus on their own personal growth and self-improvement. They may see the experience as a valuable learning opportunity and may channel their energy into pursuing new interests and expanding their horizons.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Sagittarius):

Desire for Independence: Moon in Sagittarius individuals value their freedom and may choose ghosting as a way to assert their independence. They may feel a need to explore new opportunities and experiences without feeling tied down by a relationship.

Avoidance of Confrontation: Sagittarius is a sign associated with directness and honesty, but individuals with the Moon in Sagittarius may struggle with direct confrontation when it comes to ending relationships. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations or conflicts.

Rationalization of Actions: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Sagittarius may rationalize their actions as necessary for their own personal growth and freedom. They may see it as a temporary disruption in the pursuit of their goals and may prioritize their own needs and desires.

Potential Regret: Despite their rationalization, Moon in Sagittarius individuals may experience moments of regret or doubt about their decision to ghost someone, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of commitment and need for independence could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Capricorn):

Emphasis on Stability: Moon in Capricorn individuals value stability and security in relationships. Being ghosted can disrupt their sense of stability and trigger feelings of insecurity and abandonment.

Reserved Response: Capricorn is a sign associated with reserve and self-control, and those with the Moon in Capricorn may not openly express their emotions when ghosted. Instead, they may internalize their feelings and may appear stoic on the surface.

Focus on Practicality: When ghosted, individuals with Moon in Capricorn are likely to approach the situation with a practical mindset. They may analyze the relationship for signs of instability or issues that led to the ghosting, seeking to understand the situation logically.

Desire for Control: Capricorn is also associated with control and authority, and being ghosted can challenge their need for control in relationships. They may feel powerless and frustrated by the lack of closure and may seek to regain control by focusing on their own goals and responsibilities.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Capricorn):

Sense of Duty: Moon in Capricorn individuals are responsible and conscientious, and they may choose ghosting as a way to fulfill their sense of duty or obligation. They may believe that ending communication abruptly is the most efficient way to move on from a relationship that is no longer serving them.

Emotional Reserve: Despite their practical nature, Moon in Capricorn individuals may struggle with expressing their emotions openly. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations or confrontations, preferring to maintain emotional distance.

Focus on Goals: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Capricorn are likely to redirect their energy toward their own goals and responsibilities. They may prioritize their career or personal ambitions, using the experience as motivation to achieve success.

Potential Regret: Despite their rationalization, Moon in Capricorn individuals may experience feelings of regret or guilt about ghosting someone, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of vulnerability and emotional expression could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Aquarius):

Intellectual Response: Moon in Aquarius individuals tend to approach emotions with a rational and detached mindset. When ghosted, they may analyze the situation objectively, focusing on facts rather than emotions.

Emotional Detachment: Aquarius is a sign associated with independence and detachment, and those with the Moon in Aquarius may not be as emotionally invested in relationships as others. They may respond to being ghosted with a sense of detachment, viewing it as a natural part of life rather than a personal rejection.

Seeking Understanding: Despite their emotional detachment, individuals with Moon in Aquarius value understanding and acceptance. When ghosted, they may seek closure by attempting to understand the other person's perspective or by reflecting on the lessons learned from the experience.

Focus on Individuality: After being ghosted, individuals with Moon in Aquarius are likely to focus on their own individuality and independence. They may see the experience as an opportunity to explore new interests and ideas, embracing their freedom to chart their own path.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Aquarius):

Desire for Independence: Moon in Aquarius individuals value their freedom and independence, and they may choose ghosting as a way to assert their autonomy. They may feel a need to explore new opportunities and experiences without feeling tied down by a relationship.

Avoidance of Confrontation: Aquarius is a sign associated with detachment and avoidance of emotional expression, and individuals with the Moon in Aquarius may struggle with direct confrontation when it comes to ending relationships. They may choose ghosting as a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations or conflicts.

Rationalization of Actions: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Aquarius may rationalize their actions as necessary for their own personal growth and freedom. They may see it as a natural progression of the relationship or as a way to maintain their independence.

Potential Regret: Despite their rationalization, Moon in Aquarius individuals may experience moments of regret or doubt about their decision to ghost someone, especially if they later realize the impact of their actions on the other person. They may seek to reconcile or make amends, but their fear of vulnerability and emotional expression could prevent them from reaching out directly.

Being Ghosted (Moon in Pisces):

Heightened Emotional Sensitivity: Moon in Pisces individuals are deeply sensitive and emotionally attuned. Being ghosted can deeply wound their sensitive nature, triggering feelings of abandonment, sadness, and confusion.

Tendency to Idealize Relationships: Pisces is a sign associated with idealism and romance, and those with the Moon in Pisces may have a tendency to idealize their relationships. Being ghosted can shatter their romantic illusions, leading to feelings of disillusionment and heartache.

Escape into Fantasy: When ghosted, individuals with Moon in Pisces may retreat into their imagination as a way to cope with the pain. They may indulge in daydreams or fantasies, seeking solace in a world of their own creation.

Desire for Spiritual Connection: Pisces is also associated with spirituality and transcendence, and those with the Moon in Pisces may seek comfort and guidance from spiritual practices or beliefs. They may turn to meditation, prayer, or other forms of spiritual exploration to find healing and peace.

Being the Ghoster (Moon in Pisces):

Avoidance of Conflict: Moon in Pisces individuals are compassionate and empathetic, and they may choose ghosting as a way to avoid causing pain or discomfort to the other person. They may struggle with direct confrontation and may opt for silence instead.

Tendency to Feel Guilt: Despite their compassionate nature, individuals with Moon in Pisces may experience feelings of guilt and remorse after ghosting someone. They may empathize with the other person's feelings and may feel troubled by the thought of causing them pain.

Escapism as Coping Mechanism: After ghosting someone, individuals with Moon in Pisces may turn to escapism as a way to avoid facing their own emotions. They may immerse themselves in distractions such as art, music, or other creative outlets, seeking temporary relief from feelings of guilt or discomfort.

Potential for Self-Sacrifice: Pisces is a sign associated with selflessness and sacrifice, and those with the Moon in Pisces may ghost someone out of a desire to protect the other person from pain. They may believe that ending communication abruptly is for the other person's own good, even if it causes them personal anguish.

#astro observations #love astrology #astrology #ghoster vs. ghostee #moon signs #emotional astrology #astro notes

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charkoal · 7 months ago

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Thinking about the parallels in this show even within the episode ordering of both seasons and the small details mirrored across them.

Episode 1 - Starts with a historic tragedy in a city (the bridge for Zaun, the council bombing for Piltover) and showing the devastating loss of a parent as consequence

Episode 2 - After being focused on the characters in the original setting, we shift focus to the sister city and it's inhabitants

Episode 3 - Vi loses everyone she loves and is left alone. Someone hitting their loved one in the heat of the moment (Vi hitting Powder, Caitlyn hitting Vi). At the end we see a change in authority, the rise of a new, darker leader for the cities (Silco for Zaun, Caitlyn for Piltover) and the beginning of the villain arc for a blue-haired character (Powder/Jinx in S1, Caitlyn in S2)

Episode 4 - Vi is not shown at all during the episode (except at the very end for S1). Jinx ventures topside to wreak havoc

Episode 5 - Vi has to learn how to work with someone she perceives as an enemy (Caitlyn in S1, Jinx in S2)

Episode 6 - Caitlyn and Vi begin to trust (or learn how to again) each other. Vi returns to her childhood home (taken there by Caitlyn after being stabbed in S1, shown kneeling by the same pillar used to mark her and Jinx's heights in S2). By the end of the episode, things look promising (Vi finding Jinx in S1, the family being together in S2) only for everything to be torn away (Jinx seeing Cait and losing it before the Firelights separate them, Jayce-although I understand why now-killing Viktor and triggering the collapse and Isha sacrificing herself). Also Caitlyn supporting Vi's weight after she's been injured.

Episode 7 - Ekko finally makes a reappearance after being gone for all of Act II, Ekko and Jinx centered, Ekko seeing a glimpse of Powder before losing her again, painful all around but beautifully done

Episode 8 - Vi and Caitlyn have a moment (break up in S1, sex™ in S2), someone pleading for a cause in the council room (Vi for Piltover's support against Silco, Jayce for Zaun's support against Viktor), Jinx solidifying her hate for Caitlyn in S1 with her shimmer hallucinations vs giving Vi her blessing to be with her in S2. Also Caitlyn is naked in both episodes just saying (shower scene in S1 and the™ scene in S2)

Episode 9 - Vi loses her sister, but she isn't truly lost (she becomes Jinx in S1 but we see in later episodes that she can still be good, she dies in S2 but we see at the end that she probably escaped through the air ducts), Caitlyn's life is changed forever because of what she chose to do in the season (losing her mom in S1 because she chose to investigate deeper, losing her eye in S2 because she let herself be manipulated by Ambessa). Jayce and Viktor's fates are left to speculation again (did they survive the explosion in S1, where are they or did they die in S2). Jinx ends up alone again, but instead of killing someone she loved (Silco), she saved someone she loved (Vi). She also saves Vi in both finales by killing her father (Silco, who was going to shoot Vi, and Vander who was going to shred her to pieces). The S2 ending is happier than S1 but it doesn't necessarily feel good, still bittersweet and melancholy. Caitlyn and Vi leaning on each other (out of necessity in S1 and out of love in S2) as their last appearances of the season

The list goes on and on, but despite some of the things I think that could've been executed better or paced differently this season, I still think the care and attention to detail put into this show is unmatched and I've loved every second of watching Arcane in its entirety.

#arcane #caitlyn kiramman #vi #jinx #ekko #caitvi #piltover's finest #timebomb #arcane season 2 #arcane season 2 spoilers #parallels parallels parallels #jinx also technically killed another father in the finale but that's not the point #it was to save vi

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yanderes-galore · 8 months ago

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Lamb vs TOWW (COTL) (Both Platonic)

4/8. Thats halfway.

Hm... I'll see what I can do, yeah. Sharing may have worked better but we'll see.

Yandere! Platonic! The Lamb vs TOWW

(Bishop! Darling)

Pairing: Platonic - Rivalry

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Manipulation, Overprotective behavior, Isolation, Cults, Violence, Blood, Jealousy implied, Forced companionship.

I feel in this situation, you'd have to be one of two things.

You'd have to either be a Bishop or a Follower.

Yet Bishop would make the most sense.

As then you'd be a sibling of Narinder and The Lamb, as your sibling's pawn, would naturally take a liking to you.

But there's also the option of being a Follower.

Maybe even one who was a Bishop.

Either way, this rivalry seems a little strange as the power is imbalanced.

For this concept I'll make you a Bishop.

It would probably also be an alternate version of a concept I've already done. (Which I'll link here)

I imagine you wouldn't like either of them.

Narinder was your brother.

While he loved you, he began to resent you for siding with your other siblings.

Narinder was close to you when you were both Bishops, before he was sealed away.

He adores you, his beloved sibling.

You could have been older or younger, either way you two often visited each other's domains.

Narinder visited you the most, however.

He was always the most protective of you.

Although you both felt betrayed later on.

Due to Narinder defying natural order, you felt betrayed he was stealing your Followers from you and expected support.

Meanwhile, Narinder felt betrayed that you sided with Shamura instead of him.

As a result, you were brutally injured just like your other siblings, leading to Narinder being locked away and you guarding a chain.

You despise him, The One Who Waits....

That was the title Narinder went by once locked away.

There's times you catch yourself missing your protective brother, he and his deep purr brought you comfort.

Yet whenever you caught yourself thinking like that, you'd just touch your bloody wound to remind yourself of what he's done.

You'd never heal from his scars.

He didn't hurt you as severely as your siblings, yet it was enough to remind you of your fight.

Narinder, even now, probably still loves you.

He's always been obsessively attentive to you and your flock.

He regrets hurting you, but you had to learn you made the wrong choice siding with Shamura.

He should've mattered more to you.

Now, many years later, you're reminded of Narinder through the Red Crown.

Lambs were meant to be sacrificed to prevent the return of your brother.

You were there when the last one was executed, their large eyes looking at you with such despair.

You never enjoyed watching them die.

It was pointless to attempt to stop it.

Yet you wished you did when that Red Crown was at your doorstep.

This could end one of two ways.

You're slain, or Narinder orders you to not be killed.

If you simply surrendered your crown to this Lamb, you could live.

Although, there's a good chance you're slain like the rest.

The Lamb does not view you in any special way until you're reformed.

If you are slain, Narinder laments the loss quite a bit.

Narinder admits you were too proud or scared of your siblings for your own good.

Said emotions are what made you falter years ago, and it appears you still never learned your lesson.

So maybe it was for the best... one more punishment towards your disobedience....

If you were spared by The Lamb, Narinder is amused yet grateful.

The exiled Bishop muses that The Lamb must be fond of his sweet sibling if they spared you.

It's good you surrendered your crown and unlocked your chain...

Narinder for now allows The Lamb to care for you.

Soon Narinder will have no need of The Lamb anyways once he's free... then he can look after you like before....

If you surrender, it gives The Lamb time to cultivate a friendship with you.

Upon learning your story and attempting to heal your wound, The Lamb begins to wonder if they should really be following TOWW.

If this was after you were slain, they'd have to befriend you slowly after pulling you out of Purgatory.

Eventually, Narinder and The Lamb will fight, stripping the former Bishop of his powers.

The Lamb becomes a God and now looks over you both.

You and Narinder barely talk, and depending on how you're converted, you may struggle to speak with The Lamb too.

You have good reasons to hate them both and their former partnership.

Yet both of them appear to selfishly care for you.

Narinder wants to make amends, to show he still loves you, his dearest sibling.

Meanwhile The Lamb tends to separate you, wanting to protect you from Narinder.

A platonic rivalry would definitely have the dynamic of Narinder wanting to be closer but The Lamb protecting you.

You and your siblings certainly struggle to trust Narinder again.

You not trusting him hurts Narinder.

He's powerless now, he won't hurt you again!

Please just come back to him.

The Lamb, however, keeps dragging your attention back to them.

They distract you from the issues between you and your brother.

They want you fully dedicated to them.

Essentially, The Lamb steals the sibling and friend role from Narinder.

Which leaves the cat baffled.

It would mostly be manipulation from both sides.

Narinder keeps reminding you of times you two got along years ago.

He pulls you close, purrs against you, admits he regrets what he did and misses you...

The Lamb, in response, starts encouraging you to stay beside them.

They make you a disciple, they give you gifts, they remind you that they helped you when Narinder hurt you.

They pull you close into their wool, bleating gently to soothe you.

They give you everything, as if trying to heal your wounds and heart.

Truth is, you just wish to relax.

You're tired of them both acting like snakes, hissing in your ear temptations.

Out of care or not, you don't like either of them.

Narinder can't get rid of The Lamb, but The Lamb could get rid of him.

The only reason The Lamb doesn't is because you still care for Narinder somewhat.

Yet the longer this rivalry goes on...

The Lamb may just lock Narinder in a prison or get rid of him entirely to keep you to themselves...

After all, who will you trust more?

The sibling who harmed you...

Or The Lamb who wishes to protect you from such pain happening ever again in this new life they gave you.

#yandere cult of the lamb #yandere cotl #yandere narinder #yandere the one who waits #yandere toww #yandere lambert #yandere the lamb #platonic yandere

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kyu-piddy · 7 months ago

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Messy love triangles….

Leona x reader x riddle mayhaps⁉️

Ranking a singular twst love triangle on how messy it is

An: The more I write for Leona the more I find this man hilarious. Who knew petty men were this funny to write about?

Gn reader x Riddle, Leona

Trigger warnings: Swearing

900 words

Riddle vs Leona

There’s people that you wonder how they have beef. They’re not opposites, they’re not too similar, but there’s something that doesn’t quite click with them.

In the case of Riddle and Leona, their beef is over you.

Riddle is a fool I tell you. He might be a great student, he might be Mr perfect in anything and everything pertaining to stuff your parents would be proud of, but he is indeed a fool.

He will, very loudly and stupidly, call you his good friend to the Heartslabyul dorm while blushing up a storm as soon as you’re less than 10 feet away from him.

You were commenting in passing to Ace and Deuce how the history of magic assignment is really hard? There comes Riddle in the next morning carrying back breaking books on the topic, with sticky notes color coded to how important he thought that information was.

Did you complain about not being able to sleep properly? Riddle has brewed you a potion that is said to help sleep and prepared a brochure with every habit of yours that is making sleep evade you.

And yet he is not using the evidence to reach a sound verdict. He is instead looking pretty stupid and/or overbearing to everyone around him.

Trey and Cater are laughing their asses off at the interactions between you both.

If it was someone else it could be heavily considered that they were faking it, but it’s Riddle after all.

Mr. Lionman is, like always, emotionally constipated as hell.

Leona might be lazy as balls, but he is no idiot. He’s actually rather brilliant and also not blind, so the moment he sees Riddle interact with you, it’s on sight.

Verbally that is. Leona isn’t that trigger happy with people that he could snap like a twig.

He probably already suspected Riddle's crush on you just by hearing you talk, which he did in fact make an effort to stay awake for, but actually seeing the red short stack turn into a human prawn would piss him off sooooo bad.

This man is incredibly petty. He has never once actually tried in his classes, but seeing as that would make Riddle mad, he’s showing up at 8:00 am on the dot to every class and scoring 100 after 100 in every test he can.

Meanwhile Riddle’s jaw is glued to the floor.

He doesn’t really understand why Leona is rubbing his successes in his face, which does piss him off, but what pisses him off the most is how Leona is showing it off to you too??? How dare he!

Riddle should be the one that comes to you with his perfect tests, offering help all gentleman style.

Treys sweets are another weapon in Riddle's arsenal, but Leona is indeed a cheeky bastard that practices the age old “all is fair in love and war”.

Ruggie is going to be very busy making sure those sweets taste awful, and also trying to feed you with stuff “Leona” made.

Speaking of Trey, he’s going to have to make a decorated cake saying “You like ____” for his housewarden. Otherwise man will stay in the dark.

It is shocking news to Riddle once he figures it out, while everyone else sort of just… nods their heads and pretend it is such riveting new information.

“Trey, I have delved deep into my psyche and have reached the conclusion that my feelings for ___ aren’t exclusively platonic.”

“Oh, really now, Riddle?”

oH reALly NoW RiDdLe

Leona is also a contender for the most obvious crush on campus to those that know him.

Ruggie and Jack probably have a bet going on when Leona will confess. (Jack thinks it will be when the sun explodes. Ruggie is more akin to the hypothesis of the heat death of the universe coming first.)

Riddle is the one most likely to confess.

He believes in doing things the proper way so confessing is the way to go.

Man is redder than his hair and holding a script he wrote.

It’s really sweet actually. Riddle isn't some romantic bard of legend, but he writes down his feelings in the best way he can: with legal jargon.

Leona’s sixth sense is activating and he is running to match his rival.

Once again, metaphorically. He can’t be bothered to actually run.

He is putting his head on your shoulder, whispering into your ear…

“I know you like me, herbivore.”

Hell no! This man did not spend the time he did around you and planning how to get your attention to turn back around and say it’s you who is in love with him! Step on his tail or knee him on the groin cuz he deserves it.

For a Leona love triangle, this one isn’t that bad. I’d give it an A.

Any love triangle with two overblot boys tends to be really messed up, even after said overblot, but Leona and Riddle don’t have that much prior beef that turns the love triangle into a biohazard.

Leona will have his good ol inferiority complex to keep him company if rejected, but he doesn’t feel like he is in that much direct competition with Riddle, which spares him some of the heartache that a love triangle with Vil or Malleus would give.

Riddle will be haunted by his perfectionism and romantic stupidity if rejected, but he’s one of the more stable post overblot boys, so you don’t have much to fear. Probably.

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst #x reader #kyusbow #leona kingscholar #riddle rosehearts

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cripplecharacters · 3 months ago

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Hello! I hope you guys are having a good day :) [Smiley face]

I'm writing a story and one of the main characters has CPTSD, and I had a few questions about it. I think I might have CPTSD but I'm not able to get evaluated right now.

I know you say we can do whatever we want when writing about our own conditions, but since I'm not actually diagnosed I wanted to double check things.

Relevent character info: She's been in therapy on-and-off for about 5 years (she had a therapist, stopped seeing him because she moved, and then started seeing a new one) and her trauma revolves around being abused/neglected as a child, witnessing violence, and having assassins sent after her.

Question 1

If she's been in therapy for a years and has a very good therapist, would it make sense that she's able to better deal with stressful/traumatic situations when they come up? Like, being more "resiliant" to being triggered I guess?

For example, she ends up having to work with a group of people, and initially she worries that they might be assassins that were sent after her, but she later realizes that they're not.

Would it make sense for her to not be as hypervigilant/wary around them after realizing this, and more willing to get to know them, and slowly sharing more information about herself as time goes on? Especially if they're also telling her about their past and showing her that she can trust them?

I know that trauma and triggers aren't exactly "logical" sometimes (like being scared of something even though you know it's harmless) so I don't want it to come off as "Well she was scared but then she realized she was being silly so now she's fine lol!"

Should I maybe have her mention to one of them something like "Yeah if I met you guys years ago I would have refused to trust any of you, but therapy really helped me with my issues"?

Question 2

This is sort of related to question one.

I've read that one big thing that determines whether or not someone is traumatized by something/develops PTSD is whether or not they recieve adequate support after the traumatizing event.

So for example, if someone is in a car accident and then they recieve a lot of support from friends/family/therapists, they'll be less likely to develop PTSD VS someone who is in a car accident and then given no support.

In the story, there's a lot of bad things going on. But this time, instead of only having one or two friends to help comfort her, she has a very good therapist and large support network who are there for her.

Would this help prevent her from being further traumatized or making her symptoms worse?

Question 4

Is there a specific order in which symptoms get "fixed"? Like for example, if someone has nightmares, flashbacks, and hypervigilance, would it be possible that their nightmares and flashbacks are less of a problem after treatment, but they're still hypervigilant?

She generally doesn't have issues with nightmares or flashbacks unless extremely stressed or triggered by something specific, but she still has emotional regulation issues (quick to fly off the handle and get mad) and she's quite wary and hypervigilant, especially around people she's doesn't know.

I just wanted to make sure that that behavior makes sense.

She used to be very quiet and people please-y but after therapy she started standing up for herself more, and now she sort of went in the other direction. So instead of just taking everything quietly, she's quick to speak her mind and she's not afraid to defend herself.

Question 5

During the story, she ends up falling in love with one of the people she had to work with, and they start dating about a month after meeting.

I don't want to fall into the "The power of love cures mental illness and now they're all better" trope, so I want to make sure that I show her having occasional symptoms even though she's been doing really well in therapy.

I know it's kind of hard to say since healing doesn't really work on a scale of "0% healed, having a bad time" to "100% healed, no symptoms" but for someone who's been in therapy for years, how often would she still experience symptoms, and what would they be?

I was thinking of showing that she's mostly okay, but still having the occasional nightmare, intrusive thought, flashback, etc.

Hello!

Before I get into the specific questions you have, I just want to give a general disclaimer about PTSD/C-PTSD.

Trauma and trauma disorders are very complex and vary greatly from person to person. The diagnoses for both PTSD and C-PTSD are fairly new (PTSD was only added to the DSM in 1980 and C-PTSD has not yet been added) and the effect that trauma has on the brain is still yet to be fully understood.

I'm speaking from both my own experiences and my own knowledge on the topic as well as some additional research to ensure my information is up-to-date.

Throughout the post, I do mostly refer to PTSD instead of C-PTSD. This is because C-PTSD is generally considered to be a sub-type of PTSD so what I'm describing will generally apply to both. Though there are differences between C-PTSD and PTSD, there isn't exactly a single, commonly agreed upon list of them.

In general, C-PTSD is believed to stem from long-term, repeated/chronic trauma (especially when the brain is still developing) while PTSD comes from a singular event or several separate events. Of course, because C-PTSD isn't in the DSM yet, there are many people who have been diagnosed with PTSD but may better fit the label of C-PTSD.

Personally, I was diagnosed with PTSD as well as a several other trauma-based/trauma-related disorders. My psychologist believes that C-PTSD would be more fitting for what I'm experiencing but, because it's not commonly used in my area, deferred to PTSD.

Interestingly enough, C-PTSD is often mistakenly called "childhood PTSD" because it's most frequently seen in victims of childhood abuse/trauma.

Question 1

Although it doesn't work for everyone, having a good therapist and attending therapy sessions regularly can certainly have a positive effect on trauma and PTSD in general.

Some of the main things that therapists can do include:

Helping your character to recognize when they are becoming triggered.

Helping your character to pinpoint some of the situations that may trigger them.

Working with your character to develop strategies for dealing with their triggers and the feelings that they bring up.

Working with your character to open up about and process their trauma.

Being a safe person to vent to.

Helping your character to navigate difficult situations that arise and helping them to separate their rational thoughts/beliefs on the situation from their initial, trauma-based responses*.

*As an example: A character with trauma from an abusive relationship has a big fight with their new partner. Their first instinct might be to pack their things and leave before their partner gets the chance to hurt them. A therapist can help them recognize that their current partner has never behaved aggressively towards them and identify the ways that this situation is different from their past relationship (They have a stronger support system, they're in therapy, they live in a place with different views on abuse, etc.). With trauma, the past and present often end up blurred -- especially when the present starts to mirror the past -- and it can be difficult to separate the two without help. A therapist can provide this help.

While these things may not make your character immune or even more resilient to being triggered, they can help your character manage it and navigate the situation when it does happen.

Considering the example you gave, I think it could work but there are some other things to consider here:

Why does she originally suspect them of being assassins? Is this something that she suspects all new people of or did they do something specific to trigger the belief? For example, maybe the assassins she encountered tried to poison her and the new people keep offering her food.

How long does it take her to realize that they aren't assassins? What kind of thought process does she go through during this time? Did she speak with her therapist during this time? What does her therapist have to say about it?

What made her realize they aren't assassins? Was it something logical (For example: She uncovers information that proves they aren't assassins) or is it more emotional in nature (For example: She makes a connection with them/bonds with them and starts to trust them)? Are her doubts completely assuaged with this or is she still a bit suspicious in the back of her mind -- even sub-consciously?

It would make sense for her to grow more trusting and open with them as time goes on but, from a PTSD standpoint, trust alone doesn't really have much of an effect on hypervigilance.

Being wary and being hypervigilant are two very different things. The way I usually describe it to people is that wariness is more conscious -- hypervigilance isn't. Even when I'm with somebody I trust, I'll still flinch when they come up behind me unexpectedly -- even if I know it's them. It's a physical response, not something that I can necessarily turn off.

Although your character's wariness may be assuaged, their hypervigilance wouldn't necessarily be something that is eased by trust.

While I do think that having her mention her therapy journey is a good idea (especially considering the fact that there's still a stigma around therapy), I wouldn't rely on it to get your point across about her trauma and trust issues not being an immediate fix.

Instead, I'd encourage you to show how it's a longer process:

Maybe she still has some lingering suspicions/doubts about them on a sub-conscious level and has to mentally talk herself out of them ("You've known these people a long time. They're making coffee for everyone, not just you so the likelihood that they're trying to poison you specifically is low."). While trauma isn't necessarily logical, using logic against these kinds of thoughts can be helpful.

Maybe she still has a physical reaction to something that triggers her. For example, she goes into the kitchen and one of her new coworkers turns around with a knife in their hand from where they'd been cutting food and she stumbles back/gasps because she isn't prepared for it. Not every trigger has to result in a major flashback -- being triggered can just look like your body going "wait a second, I've been in this situation before and it's not safe. Let's take a few steps back until we know it's safe".

If the story is in first person, I'd encourage you to explore her thoughts on the new people, both at the beginning when she distrusts them and later on when she begins to trust them more.

You could also show how she uses some of the tools she's learned in therapy such as self-regulation techniques like grounding exercises or controlled breathing or even just recognizing when she's getting triggered and doing something about it. Depending on what kind of person she is, this could look like her making an excuse to be alone for a moment ("I'm just going to run to the washroom quickly.") or speaking up about her situation ("Just... give me a minute, okay?" or "Wait. I need a second.").

I'd advise against having her explicitly state what is happening ("I'm getting triggered right now." or "I'm starting to have a panic attack.") for a few reasons:

The first being that -- for the most part -- people don't naturally speak like that, especially not when they're already stressed out. A lot of the time, it's not always evident what exactly is happening. The beginning of a panic attack can feel a lot like a spike of anxiety or an increase in hypervigilance.

The other big thing is that words like "triggered", "panic attack", and other mental health-related terms have a history of misuse behind them (Ex: People using "triggered" to mean offended, people using "OCD" to mean neat/organized, etc.). As a result, you run the risk of giving your readers the wrong impression when using them in this context -- especially in dialogue.

One other thing I'll mention is to keep in mind that changing therapists can be very stressful and set your character back a few steps, especially since they have to build that relationship with their therapist again. Keep that in mind when you consider the timeline for these events. If she has just changed therapists, she may not be comfortable enough approaching them about this yet.

Question 2

We don't yet know what specifically causes somebody to develop PTSD. In a broad sense, it's a traumatic event but there are so many different factors at play that can determine whether or not somebody is traumatized, develops PTSD, or develops another trauma-based disorder.

You are right that the level of support somebody gets after a traumatic incident can have an impact -- but there are so many other factors too such as:

The event itself including the duration, the type of incident, their involvement in it (as a witness, a victim, a rescuer, etc.), etc.

Their age and brain development. A child who witnessed somebody's death but was too young to really understand what was happening would have a vastly different experience than an adult who was fully aware of it. Something to keep in mind, however, is that while children were generally considered to be more resilient to trauma than adults, that isn't necessarily true*.

The specific individual -- including their personality, resilience, past experiences/history, pre-existing disabilities and other conditions, etc.

Their experiences during the trauma. There's a common misconception that people develop PTSD only when they don't believe help is coming (for example, being stuck in a car accident in the middle of nowhere). This isn't exactly true but it can have an effect.

Now, on to your actual question: That depends.

Along with the factors mentioned above, their current situation should also be considered. If they're on a series of busy missions and don't have the time to actually process their trauma, they'll have a harder time with healing than they would if they were able to take it easy and process things at their own pace.

While her therapist and support system can absolutely help her manage the more recent trauma, her past experiences in therapy and the skills/tools she's learned can also benefit her -- both in the traumatic moment and after the fact.

In short: Yes, it could make sense that she's more resilient to this new experience than she was to her original trauma.

*There's a great book by Bruce Perry (the child psychologist) that talks about this. It's called The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and it's a heavy read but a good one.

Question 4

Something that's important to remember about PTSD and C-PTSD is that the trauma can never be fully "fixed" or healed.

Trauma -- especially complex and long-term trauma -- has lasting effects on a person's brain. It changes the way we think, the way we approach new situations, the way we deal with stress. Some types of trauma can even have an impact on the way our kid's brains develop [Link].

While therapies, medication, and support can make a difference and cause symptoms to lessen (or disappear entirely), the trauma will still have lasting effects.

In terms of the order that symptoms get resolved, this is something that varies so greatly from person-to-person that I can't give you an actual answer.

The other thing is that healing from anything (especially something as messy and complex as trauma) isn't as straightforward as it seems. Even with the proper treatment, symptoms don't just decrease steadily or in order.

You may have heard the phrase "progress isn't linear" before. This is very applicable to PTSD and C-PTSD. There will always be setbacks or stumbles or relapses. You can go for years without having a flashback or nightmare and then one day be triggered enough for it to happen. You're still healing, it's just not a straight path.

In your character's case, it could absolutely make sense for her symptoms to lessen at different rates. That said, I'd be wary about portraying it as a straightforward path.

Although recovery is complicated and it's normal to relapse/stumble/have a setback, it's frequently portrayed as a straightforward path and characters rarely experience these setbacks -- which is very discouraging when you're actually recovering from trauma.

Question 5

You might be getting sick of me saying this by now but: ✨it depends!✨

The experience you described (with her occasional nightmares/flashbacks/etc.) is one possibility but it's definitely not the only one.

Somebody can be in therapy for just as long and still experience the same amount of symptoms they did when they first started. Likewise, somebody can have that same experience (with the occasional nightmares/flashbacks/etc.) after only being in therapy for a couple months.

It is important to remember that therapy doesn't get rid of symptoms -- it just helps you process them and teaches you how to cope with them. In some cases, this can cause a decrease in symptoms (for example, talking about an experience can help you process it and decrease the amount of nightmares you have about it) but it doesn't directly get rid of symptoms.

Also worth noting is that therapy doesn't work for everybody and that there are so many other ways of managing PTSD and trauma in general. Some people benefit more from medication (usually anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants) or other types of therapy (such as eye-movement or narrative therapies).

Of course, there are also people that cope with their trauma in ways that aren't generally considered "healthy" such as substance use, risk-taking behaviours, self-harm, etc.

Although therapy is becoming more popular and more openly talked about, I think it's important to acknowledge that there's not just one "right" way to healing from, coping with, and processing trauma.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

#mod icarus #anonymous #ptsd representation

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dalekofchaos · 10 days ago

Text

The Sequel Trilogy's lack of politics and why it ultimately hurt the trilogy

I think the real reason why I don't like the Sequel Trilogy is that it has nothing to do with what legacy character was done dirty, wasted potential or just nostalgia porn.

Why I really don't like the Sequels it says nothing and is just Disney corporate churned bullshit

With the Original Trilogy, it was Lucas radicalized against Nixon/Watergate, and the Vietnam War

The Prequel Trilogy. The Bush Administration, Iraq War, Patriot Act and "The War on Terror"

The Sequels had the perfect politically charged trilogy handed to them on a silver fucking platter and all they did was rewrite the beats of the Original Trilogy and ignore the very clear fucking evil going on in the world.

You can argue that JJ Abrams wanted it to be about the Neo-Nazis in Argentina and the Rebels being forced to reunite against them after all this time until the cows come home all you want, that theme ultimately fell flat as time went on.

You didn't need the Dark Side. You didn't need Palpatine. You needed a bunch of pathetic men who longed for the "good old days" of Imperial rule that never fucking was and being indoctrinated and radicalized by a cult of personality. The horrors of fascism and someone so weak twisting the minds of foolish and weak men is more scary than the dark side could ever hope to be and instead, they chose to rip off the Empire vs Rebels and brought Palpatine back...

See also this video.

youtube

The closest they came to a politically charged message in the Sequels was Finn and the Stormtroopers probable Rebellion, but they never pulled the trigger and acted like Finn's defection never mattered and continuously treated the Stormtroopers like disposable cannon fodder.

Hell, you can argue Rose, Paige and being victims of war was a close political message that wanted to fucking say something, but once again that was discarded. We didn't even see Rose and Paige's sisterly bond or get a single word out of Paige's mouth. The fact that they cared more about space horses and not freeing the slaves of Canto Bight says a lot about Disney's priorities.

I would've even tolerated all the bullshit lack of politics in the Sequels if they delivered on Queer Resistance aka Finnpoe but of course we can't even have that.

The message they delivered with Rey was ALMOST good. That anyone can be important and rise up and become a Jedi, but then they just HAD to ruin it by making her a Palpaskywalker.

And The First Order. Snoke being Palpatine's Clone ruined any credibility. Kylo Ren being redeemable killed any ounce of credibility of The First Order. You could've ran with the Neo-Nazi theme with Hux as the main villain, but of fucking course they pulled the "I'm a spy" bullshit. and of course they just HAD TO bring back Palpatine because JJ Abrams doesn't have a creative cell in his entire brain.

Snoke should have been based off of Trump. He did not need to be a Sith Clone and Palpatine sure as fuck didn't need to be brought back just so Rey can defeat him. Kylo Ren should've been EVERY isolated white man who has been radicalized by Trump and embraces the ideal version he saw in Vader that never was(also he doesn't get redeemed, if he's to be redeemed it's because he realizes he's a terrible person and helps the heroes end the regime and faces consequences, not "oh he's good now because of love and dies suddenly" you don't redeem and romanticize fascism) Hux should've been a precursor for Musk. Related to high ranking Nazi and son to a monster. "Intelligent" highly good with technology but is an ineffectual idiot and everyone mocks him.(I know at the time he wasn't as big, but we all saw through his bullshit) Phasma should've been every conservative woman radicalized by this bullshit.

Or alternatively. It didn't need to be an evil Empire. It's an ally that the New Republic helped create. Victims of the Empire almost wiped out by the Empire. Lets say The Ghormans or the Bothans. They became the monsters they despised. They became a terrorist state and the New Republic is out there in the senate and doing their PR. "They have a right to defend themselves" They are religious zealots, like the Jedi on crack. They believe the system they are trying to conquer is theirs by birthright. And the perceived enemies, ARE the rebels and our "heroes" are fighting the Rebels and it's only near the second half of the trilogy where they open their eyes

I do hope Andor inspired the Rey trilogy to be more political, be bold to take risks and have an actual spine, but I'm not holding my breath.

#Star Wars #Star Wars Sequel Trilogy #Anti Lucasfilm #Anti Disney #Rey #Rey Skywalker #Finn #Poe Dameron #Finnpoe #Rose Tico #Paige Tico #Kylo Ren #General Hux #Armitage Hux #General Armitage Hux #Captain Phasma #Supreme Leader Snoke #The First Order #Youtube

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revilloutionaire · 4 months ago

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Can we kill therapy-speak in fanfic?

Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying your characters can’t be familiar with therapy keywords. But the use of it in fanfic is just killing off any sort of real, emotional stakes in certain fics. *cough* the my hero fandom

I’ll be real with you; I don’t want my characters to approach a situation with an acute awareness for any possible triggers or emotional responses in an attempt to build rapport with another character who has experienced severe trauma and/or abuse. And sure, let’s say that it is a professional, whose job it is to approach these situations. That doesn’t mean you have to write them like a mental health textbook vs a textbook victim of trauma.

For example; “Aizawa stepped back, not wanting to trigger any sort of trauma response from the abused teenager.”

Yeah, sure. Aizawa is a professional who, as a professional hero, probably has education in dealing with situations like this. But the way it is written is clinically detached, cold, and also way too professional from a man who has probably attended a total of one therapy session on mandate after witnessing the death of one of his best friends (which he never got over btw).

When you want to write a character who is attuned to other people’s needs and fears, try using less therapy bingo words, and be more descriptive of the emotions of the scene.

Instead; “Aizawa carefully stepped backwards, attempting to show he meant no harm. He knew how easy it was to scare a starving alley cat, you would be surprised how the same logic applied to a starving teenager.”

See? Isn’t it so much more soulful? So much easier to connect with? Sure, the first passage got the point across: Aizawa is aware that the kid he’s approaching is likely a victim of something traumatic, so he is approaching it as such. But the average human doesn’t have the dialogue of an occupational therapist, so writing situations like the characters are occupational therapists, kills off any sort of relatability for readers who don’t attend weekly therapy sessions. And even for people who do, it feels more like sitting in the armchair instead of absorbing yourself in the worlds and stories you’re trying to tell.

I’m not saying to ditch the mental health awareness altogether. Sure, having emotionally stunted characters create for interesting stories, but you can tell just as compelling of a story without having to resort to textbook wording. Instead, use that therapy foundation to build something more around your characters. Because using the therapy speak is just the same as telling, and not showing.

With that, good luck with your next hurt no comfort fic, and happy writing!

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v3nusxsky · 7 months ago

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I wanted to make a request of like dom!lesso and shysubby!reader where the reader is a quiet new librarian of the merging schools and they get off to an angsty start where lesso HATES the reader and the reader just wants to be friends and then maybe some smut happens and then lesso gets soft for the reader and they live happily ever after✨✨

Unexpected lover 18+

*Authors note ~ finally getting through my assignments which is freeing up some writing time to get through some requests I’m so sorry it’s taken me ages to get to it school literally is killing me*

Trigger warnings~ dom lesso, subby r, mommy kink, praise kink, thigh riding, sorta enemies to lovers?, degrading kink, begging, oral sex, slight pet play/humiliation kink

Prompt~ see ask^^^

You joined the schools staff team when the schools still held the divide. Good vs evil. And you happened to be the one stuck in the middle. As a librarian to both schools you had your fair share of encounters with people from each side. Sure the ever side was very sweet and friendly but there was something about the Never side that made your heart break, clearly they were misunderstood but trying to conform to why society makes them. Even with the two deans you could see the parallel between them. Despite her behaviour toward you, you were drawn to the dean of evil like a moth to light. She was just so intense and intelligent that your heart always beat an extra beat in her presence.

To Leonora, you were an annoyance. Her students raved about your calming aura and how respectful you were to everyone. How good. And that was a hindrance to say the least. Here she was doing her job, trying to mold the next villains into being successful and yet you seemed to fight against her every step by showing them kindness and respect. It was frustrating beyond belief. At least that’s what she told herself, it most definitely wasn’t that she felt drawn to you, completely and utterly ignorant to her own desires to be near you. Evil doesn’t love. Evil doesn’t like. Evil is chaos and mess, everything you weren’t. So she most definitely wasn’t drawn to something so… good. Pure. Fire would freeze over in hell before she admitted the truth that ate away at her heart.

You hoped with the schools merger that Leonora would come round. Everyone else in the schools had, the library was now filled with a gentle buzz, students mixing with ease, the staff seemed to be managing well too. All expect her. At first you blamed yourself. Perhaps you were too shy, too needy, or even weak to her. But then you’d remind yourself that everyone else likes you. Everyone else speaks to you in the corridor as they pass. Everyone but her. You are by no means a scary person, people often think you’re easily manipulated due to your timid nature, so it can’t be that. Leonora doesn’t strike you as the type of woman to be scared of little old you. All you wished for was the same cordial friendship with her that you had with others. Instead you seemed to be more of an annoyance to her, like she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you. Breathe the same air.

Every story to ever be told has had a meaning, a message to the reader. You loved discovering what the words on the page were trying to tell you. Most story’s you adore have the clear message that the line between love and hate, like and lust and fear and desire can be thin. Sometimes so thin it’s hardly visible. You like to believe this is true, you see it daily as someone who observes the coming and going’s of people frequently visiting the library. Each day there’s something new, a development in their own story, something you thrive on noticing. Little did you know, your story was about to get a new chapter, with a curve ball no one would have expected to occur.

The new chapter began like any other, working to tidy all the books and close the library for the night, ensuring every book was returned to its rightful spot while students began to filter out and back to their dorms from the late night study they were engaged in. Yet the presence of one dean in your usually calm atmosphere was throwing you off. She seemed to be engrossed in her book that she’d swiped from the curses and death traps section. She sat ever so regally by the heater in the corner of the room. It was hard not to notice the striking woman in your space, yet if she noticed you she didn’t seem interested as she flicked through the pages of her book.

By the time you’d sorted all the books in the library you’d made many hints of the time, the fact the library was closing and even going as far to stand behind the counter nervously drumming your fingers against the wood. You wished to have the confidence to ask the woman to leave, yet you couldn’t find it in your heart to approach her. Not when this was the closest to co existing in each other’s presence you’d got since you took the job. You’d be lying if you said she wasn’t slightly intimidating, it’s unsurprising that she was the one to make the move.

Meanwhile Lesso was getting irritated with the constant sound echoing round the room, interrupting her book. Your nervous energy was practically suffocating the woman. It was obvious you were waiting for her to leave, subtly wasn’t a strong suit of yours she decided. That’s when something snapped within her, this cat and mouse game needed to end. Evil doesn’t need to ask, evil gets one way or an other and you aren’t any different if you want her to leave her you’re gonna have to earn it.

“Got something to say dove?” Her words flowed like honey, the nickname coming from thin air but feeling so right it just flowed, “why don’t you just say it?” Leonora was talking to you. You. The shock clouded your mind causing her to chuckle, “cat got your tongue huh?”

“I- you- uh” you stuttered dumbly trying to not make a fool of yourself with trembling limbs you asked her to leave so you could close up. “If you want me to leave then you should come over here and make me” her challenge was set, yet she couldn’t be bothered to even spare you a look. If she did she would’ve seen the crimson blush covering your cheeks as you internally fought with yourself. Could you just walk to her and get her to leave? Would it be that easy?

Minutes later you slowly rounded the desk, hesitantly making your way to the woman only to be stilled by a tut of displeasure. “Did I say you could walk to me? No. Crawl dove, be a pretty pet and put a show on for me.” Crawl? Seriously? “I - what?” You mumbled causing the dean of evil to lazily click her fingers at you as if you were nothing more than a disobedient puppy.

You aren’t sure what bothers you more, that you sank onto your hands and knees or that arousal rushed through your body at the treatment. Scanning the empty library you started to crawl forward, eyes downcast as you obeyed her wish. The carpet scraped against your bare knees, the skirt of your dress dragging on the floor and getting stuck as you moved. By the time you reached the older woman, humiliated and aroused she had discarded her book to appreciate the view. The way your chest heaved and you kept your eyes to the ground drove her wild as you sat back on your knees. So pliant for her. So willing. Desperately trying to please her. She’d have some fun with a pretty pet like you. “What do you say we have some fun, show me what a good girl you can be.”

You swear you’ve had this dream before. The kind you wake in the middle of night questioning your subconscious brain. It’s only natural that you immediately nod along to her request. With a simple demand of “earn it then” and a snap of her fingers her pussy was on display for your curious eyes to view. With a simple gesture to get on with it you dove straight in. You always imagined she would like the tougher side of sex, she wouldn’t want the teasing build up and you were right. Her hand came to your hair, gripping the locks so tight it was almost painful. Almost. The sinful moan you let free was immediately swallowed by her greedy core cause the vibrations to hit her clit deliciously.

“Mm my what a good dove you are. Just like that baby” she grunted as her hips started to buck into your mouth, covering your lower face with her slick. “God what a good slut I have here. Wouldn’t have waited this long to claim you if I knew you were such a whore.” If you weren’t glued to her core you may have protested at the language she was using. Yet again, you weren’t in the position to argue as you ate her out with abandon. You could tell you were doing a good job when her thighs tensed and her moans seemed to be louder than before. The closer she got to climax the more praise she threw at you causing you to press your thighs together. Desperate for some friction. Relief. And that sight, you being nothing more than a needy whore on your knees, eating her cunt like it’s the last meal on death row was what threw her over the edge. Inner walls clenching as you lapped up your reward with ease.

You only pulled away from her warm core because she made you. Tugging you up to your feet by your hair. You stumbled slightly as the blood flow returned to your lower legs causing her to easily settle you on her lap. Your clothed pussy settled over her good thigh as her hand settled under your chin to guide you into a passionate kiss, tasting herself on your tongue. Unsurprisingly, as soon as the kiss started she was in control. The way she would nip at your lip to allow the metallic taste to dance between your tongues caused you to whine into her mouth. The level of need this woman awoke in you should be criminal. You couldn’t be more glad that she gave in and crossed the line between love and hate.

Instinctively, you began to slowly drag your clothed pussy along her toned thigh, seeking friction as she kissed you. A kiss so good you saw you forgot your own name. Her hand came to grip your hip, guiding your almost pathetic grinding. Pulling away from the kiss she couldn’t help but tease you. “A desperate thing you are hmm? So needy you are gonna use my thigh like a bitch in heat? Poor girl. Have I neglected this needy cunt?” Her words combined with the friction she provided was dizzying. So dizzying in fact, you mewled “mommy please” before your brain could even catch up.

“Oh it’s like that is it dove?” Her signature smirk graced her lips before she trailed them to your lips, nipping and sucking the silky smooth skin there. “I- oh, mm please mommy. Oh God” you whined chasing the pleasure she was providing too much to even care about the name choice. “Gonna cum for mommy darling? Gonna cum all over my thigh? Such a pretty slut for me. Go on, cum” she punctuated the last word by sinking her teeth into the junction between your neck and shoulder causing you to hurtle over that edge, riding out every wave of pleasure that hit you.

Leonora couldn’t help but be star struck by the post orgasmic bliss that over took you, ragged breaths as you fought to calm your heart rate, shaking legs that tried to grip her thigh in order to keep the sensation alive. Big doe like eyes peering at her through hooded lashes. Stunning. A sight that should belong to the heavens alone. And in this moment where you collapsed into her, her arms wound around you too quickly to be thought of, she knew that you would be hers. Evil or not, she couldn’t bear to let anyone see you like this. A pretty little thing begging for mommy to help her. Perhaps good and evil could co exist. After all you fit so perfectly in her arms it would be sinful to separate you from her. Maybe just maybe, evil did get good, to love and to cherish and to enjoy.

Word count~ 2032

#anon answered #v3nusxsky answers #fanfic #anon requested #lady lesso #leonora lesso #lady lesso x reader #lesso x reader #lady leonora lesso #lady leonora lesso x reader #leonora lesso x reader #lesso smutt #lesso #dean of evil x reader #dean of evil smut #the school for good and evil #v3nusxsky daily presents

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soft-pine · 8 months ago

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okay so @monstermoviedean is watching s14 rn and her takes are god tier!!! and you should all go read her blog please!

but it just makes me want to talk about lebanon/14.13 so much! like it really is one of my favorite episodes of spn. which is crazy i know because i truly hate john with every fiber of my being but i think this episode reveals so much about him & dean's relationship with him with delicious subtly!

and i've yapped at random on twitter about this but i want to gather all my thoughts in one place.

dean's relationship with john is The most important relationship in spn that i'm interested in unpacking. (i am normal and fine and this has nothing to do with my own issues)

i think for some people who understand john as abusive, it is frustrating and jarring to see him come back after so many years and just be kinda nice. especially given that dean has just finally started to talk to his family about some of the bad things john did.

i maintain that dean has been pretty clear with cas and like random strangers that his dad was shitty. but in 14.11, he tells mary the winchester surprise story. while he doesn't frame the story as truly a critique of john, it is a contrast to his quiet silence and pained expression after newly-resurrected mary says john was a good father in 12.02. in 14.12, dean opens up to sam about how when john was pissed off at dean, he would send him away. this is a stark new light on dean's comments from 7.14 where he apologizes to sam for sometimes "ditching him" when they were kids. sam quickly shuts down dean's apology in 14.12 and subsequent discussion about dean's regrets and feelings about john. but since sam's shift in his opinion about john in 2.02, dean pretty consistently keeps his criticism to himself in front of sam so this is a marked change. and the very next episode script draft includes the infamous "probably pulled the wide-eye hitchhiker routine. dad made me do it all the time on hunts. as bait." so, given the episodes and revelations that bookend 14.13, it's understandable how hard it is to see john and dean interact at all.

but i think it's perfect! because it so clearly shows every truth of their relationship.

firstly, we can look at who john apologizes to. in 1.16, 1.20, and 14.13 john is reunited with sam & dean after time apart. and in all three episodes, he apologizes and/or works to make amends with sam for their fractured relationship. in fact, in 14.13, it's a mention of the winchester surprise that triggers john's apology to sam.

in contrast, the only time john apologizes to dean for his childhood is 2.01 when he says sorry for making dean always have to look after him and sam. and then promptly asks him to kill sam if he has to.

it's crushing to me that at no point does john see the way he treated dean as anything to make amends for. instead, in 1.21 and 14.13, he frames dean not "having a home" or "having a family," "a normal life" as circumstances outside his control or as somehow dean's choice. and yet, john is entirely responsible. he is the one moving dean from school to school, getting him into credit card fraud, taking him on hunts. in 12.09 it's established that dean has as long arrest/warrant record which includes things we never see him getting arrested for in canonical spn. he is the one who always said hunting was temporary (6.02) and yet never allowed for a way out. so even though john's affect is kinder, we know he isn't meaningfully taking accountability for a huge amount of his actions.

it's the reason for the kinder affect we can look at next. because what is one of the most common indicators of abusive dynamics? treating people differently in public vs private. and critically for almost all of 14.13, mary is observing john. and we know that despite their marital problems (5.16), she considered him a good father. he doesn't know that the life he forced sam and dean into is the very worst thing she could have imagined for her children (4.03), but we can tell from his apologies to sam that john is at least aware of things he did which he regrets.

before mary arrives, he is giving sam and dean orders, "You boys better tell me what the hell is going on right now." i recognize he's very disoriented but this affect disappears entirely after mary shows up. i cannot overstate how much i love how not stern and harsh john is here because it shows that he could have always chosen to be like that. but there weren't negative consequences (a wife who might be angry with him) to face.

i've said before that i think one of the reasons that john kept sam & dean away from hunter gatherings and meeting other hunters (2.03, 12.06) is because hunters they met might have acted exactly how dean acts to krissy's dad in 7.11 and told him to quit. the hunters/community john did maintain relationships with were sometimes kinda shitty people - Deacon (2.19), Travis (4.04), Martin (8.09). not that Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim, Bill Harvell, Daniel Elkin were necessarily like that but I do think its worth looking at who John's friends who he didn't have a falling-out with were. Like Fred Jones who gave Sam & Dean their first beers when they weren't even 10 (8.08).

some other details about that first reunion kitchen conversation that always stick out to me are john finishing the drink dean pours for him while dean & sam barely touch theirs. it's also significant to me that dean tells mary in 12.01 that john died to save him. but here, he tells john that he died taking out yellow-eyes (which is literally not what happened. like specifically he died by making a deal with azazel). dean, always working to deescalate and maintain the peace, instantly clocks which thing they will each find more soothing to hear.

one thing that i see people often critique is the idea that john coming back is somehow the thing dean wished for the most. but what dean actually says is that this is something he's wanted since he was four years old. so it's really not about john back at all. john died when dean was 27. but mary died when dean was four. and that cause nearly every hard, traumatic, awful thing in dean's life. to some extent, i think it was about wanting john to have mary back. throughout dean's entire life, john used the loss of mary as an excuse for how he acted and what he made dean & sam do. so of course what dean wants most is... for that not to have happened.

and this brings my to my second favorite part of the episode. but you'll only catch if you're paying attention. dean says he's thrilled to have john back and yet at every chance he gets, he leaves the room john's in. he leaves the kitchen when john reunites with mary. dean gets the grocery list from mary while john has a tearful apology with sam. dean talks to john again only because he has to tell him about the pearl but then leaves to help cook. after dinner, he goes to do the dishes. dean really is not actually trying to spend time with john - even when they get a deadline for when their time with him is over, dean is not trying to make the most of it. and god i love him for that.

i sympathize with people who are frustrated to see dean fall back into the role of caretaker for john's emotions and wellbeing. and i agree but i appreciate that it is very clear that's what's happening. he's performing the role he's always been forced to perform. he may be more aware of it as a performance this time. he may be taking more steps to remove himself from having to interact with john. but i would almost feel worse if he wasn't getting john a drink, doing what he said, going on little errands, cooking, cleaning up. john says "You want to give your mom a hand?" and of course he goes.

i think dean always has held both deep hurt from and empathy for john and this episode is full of both of them. and while i think it's always hard to hear dean slip back into those moments of empathy (8.12 is always rough for me), it's so real that's where he would be sometimes. so much of being a child who's made responsible for your parent's emotions means that there is such a deep part of you that wants to protect them from harm.

i personally think the song "til it shines" by bob seger is an insane choice to play over their dinner scene. because, though that's not the part of the song that plays, the lines "Take the chip off of my shoulder. Smooth out all the lines. Take me out among the rustling pines, till it shines, ah, till it shines" always strike me as trying to see something through rose-tinted glasses in a way. or maybe acknowledging the performative, white-washing that's being done?

anyway, i understand why people want dean to have a cathartic yelling session with john. but honestly im not sure that would ever sit right with me. i think honestly 14.13 is kind of perfect. john comes back and it proves everything. john could always be kind (he took you to a freaking baseball game (4.19)). he could always apologize. he always did say he wanted the boys to get out of hunting but never even tried to make it happen.

and that brings me to my favorite part of the episode. my darling. my baby. my treasure. dean says, "i have a family." and what that means to him is his own. he gets to keep it. he gets to mean it without john's scrutiny. without him tearing it apart. the conversation sam & dean have over dishes is another deeply meaningful part. dean specifically rejects the idea of telling john the truth about any of it - even if it would change things. because he's good with who he is. "Cause our lives – they’re ours."

this matters so much to me because i don't think dean's healing can ever be contingent on john - not on his reaction, not on finally telling him the truth, not on john getting comeuppance for all the shit he did, not even on changing the past so john has more information because the critical thing that 14.13 and 4.19 show is that john literally did not do the best he could. so what could change that?

in the kitchen, dean tells sam that he blamed john for "the longest time". do you understand how much it means to me to hear him say that?! because i think of course blaming john is the first step! dean was hurt and he was angry about that and he should be!

but dean's healing can't just stop there. while i know there will be moments as he heals where he's angry with john again, the beautiful core of dean's healing i see in 14.13 is him being clear on where the boundary of him and his wants, goals, needs, and priorities are vs john's. i think a lot of dean's young relationship with john was him being forced to keep parts of himself (the parts that didn't like to hunt for example) secret out of shame and necessity. but here, i don't think dean is carrying that shame anymore. he is very clear on how what he wants from his life differs from what john would want but dean sticks to his own values. he has a family. he's good with who he is. it's just none of john's goddamn business.

anyway, as always mitski says it best....

plus we get two of THE MOST shots of dean's face of all time for me!!! like my god stabbing me would hurt less!!!

plus! PLUS!! CHERRY ON TOP!!! LOOK AT THESE NOOOOOODLES

in conclusion. your honor, i love her.

#14.13 lebanon #14.13 #damn i should have been posting on tumblr alllll along #twitter is so short compared to this #and boy do i love to yap #dean & john #spn meta #i understand i am doing a bit of a restorative reading of this #on purpose #and there are other readings which are totally possible #and make me sadder #but i like this one #dean studies

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