#SPECIFICALLY the part that got me to come out to my therapist and start working on that

[t4tstarvingdog]

forgot how homophobic my mom was

[queenie-the-court-jester]

HII, saw your post on wanting asks, well here 🫶 I love talking so, and specifically on playboy yandere!! I'm a sucker for angst and yanderes falling into insanity honestly, so let me ramble a bit

- imagine if reader graduates highschool and gets an overseas scholarships!! They also convince their family to move together with them so Kameron can't hurt or use them to blackmail reader. So with only a break up text saying like "bye manwhore 😍😍", blocking and deleting all their social media, I wonder how long and how far would he take to get reader back again? Would he inherit his parent's riches, hire some private investigatiors to find reader and find the country they're living in, expand his business over to their country in order to gain power to trap his darling. And I wonder how deranged his reaction would be to reader's text and be like no way, they're joking right, and runs to their house and whatever usual spots they're at normally, and just break down into insanity. would he try to use substitutes for reader to maintain his sanity or go fully devoid of emotions and start working hard to gain power and influence to find reader again!! I'm also curious how he would process his darling leaving him, would he become delusional first, saying they got kidnapped or something, or some ex or fling of his hurt reader, and then proceed to anger, depression, grief and then finally accept the reality!!

Ok that's a lot of rambling 😭😭 hope it's okay. I rlly enjoyed that fic, was rent FREE in my mind for a whole day

you know luci, you just gave me an idea. So have a part TWO of THIS DUMBASS HOE 🤝

Yandere playboy x reader

Tw: mentions of murder, kameron being delulu, yandere and obsessive behavior

💋kameron was having another breakdown. Sobbing pathetically on the floor of your old bedroom. Just how did you run away? And on such short notice too!? Didn't his love mean anything to you!? WHY DID YOU ABANDON HIM?

💋a million thoughts swirled through his head, until he finally got one that just... stuck. He had to get you back. No matter how long it takes. Getting up and dusting himself off, he kicked the front door open and quickly left the empty house

💋it was a shame really. The once sane and popular boy was struggling to keep his image. So he got help. Not professional as in therapists and medication. Just hiring other students to cover for him Incase he slipped up. all while snooping through the head teachers computer to see if they had any notes on where you might have gone. He almost got caught a few times

"shit that was close.. i can't believe these idiots leave their passwords just anywhere"

💋he knew he shouldn't be back at the school, especially since he graduated but he needs all the information he can get. Eventually moving onto private investigators and online stalking through multiple other accounts. He'd try anything just to see what his darling was doing without him. Were you enjoying making him suffer? You're so cruel..

💋hiring other people to befriend you and lower your guard, gathering any Information they can

💋 kameron who spent a while convincing his parents to let him take hold of the company. He had a degree, a bright mind, responsibility. He's perfect for the job! Oh if only they knew where his 60% was going.. funding multiple businesses across the world in exchange for keeping a careful eye. Making him quite the celebrity

💋look darling! He's on the news-! ...oh right you're not here.. one evening, while working in his office, a new secretary comes in to introduce themselves. They look just like you! He could only stare in shock.

"my love..? Is that you!?"

"..who?"

💋turns out it was just a doppelganger. But with enough time he'd delude himself into thinking it was you. Courting them with the same flowers, chocolates and jewelry he'd given you. It worked like a charm! Now you were back In their arms again. They felt whole..

💋he married your lookalike a year later, the poor fool being too naive and oblivious to think. He was happy for awhile.. or until one of his P.I's came in to show him they found you. His reality started to break.

💋no.. how could he do this to you. Replacing you with some cheap street whore. That night, when they went to bed, he gave them a cup of water and smiled sweetly. Watching as their face went red and they started to cough for air after gulping it down. Clawing at the sheets and staring at him with wide fearful eyes. Begging him to help them

"...slut."

💋 burrying the body in his backyard, he paid people with underground connections to cover for him while he was away. Claiming they suddenly vanished, having run away with a small fortune. How idiotic are people, to actually believe him..

💋kameron disguised himself and went straight for the country you decided to flee too. 5 years apart from you.. he had no idea how he managed to live so long without his beloved, but it was all worth it. Because now you'll be back where you belong. In his arms.

💋you were busy working at your job, running a small business was no joke but atleast the people in the area were friendly. So you didn't notice the suited figure Infront of your cash register

"thank you, please come again-"

💋you froze, looking up at the terrifyingly familiar face. He stared back at you with only glee and love

"hello my darling~ you've been on a naughty streak for a while Haven't you? That's okay, I'll just set you straight when we go back home."

💋big burly men all blocked you from escaping by guarding the doors. Dragging all the other customers out so you both could have your moment. Now you could never leaver leave him. Ever.

[the-thing-withfeathers]

for the better

a/n: this is part 2 to know your worth. i’m sorry this took a bit of time but i just wanted to get some requests done before fully getting into this buttt i hope y’all like it.

read part 1!

this one is for @dandelions4us specifically 🫵🏼🫵🏼

pairing: billie eilish x reader

warning: bold-italics are flashbacks. ex-toxic relationship, mention of therapy, toxic coping mechanisms, trauma.

summary: billie tumbles while you thrive. can you manage to find each other again through this all?

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

tick, tock. tick, tock. tick, tock.

the dreadful noise of the second hand going on a full rotation was filling billie’s ears. she was overwhelmed and she didn’t want to be here.

“you mentioned last time that you had a partner…” the woman sat on a leather chair started. she was older and was graying, she wore glasses that were too small for her face. “a partner that you had let down.”

“yeah… i really fucked up there.” billie chuckled dryly. “i was horrible during the end of that relationship. it was amazing at first but after touring, i… i became horrible.”

“why do you think you became horrible?” the woman asked.

billie didn’t want to start therapy but her brother had convinced her to do it. she hated talking things out with a total stranger. but she knew she had to take a step towards getting better one way or another.

“i… i don’t know.” billie sighed in defeat.

“do you think it had something to do with your job?” the woman asked again. this was getting ridiculous. billie felt like the woman knew all the answers but was just trying to get billie to say them, she felt like she was back in school.

“maybe?” billie asked herself. “i think when i got back from touring, i realised how serious things were getting— not just with my relationship but with everything around me. i think i just wanted to be less serious? but i didn’t go about it very well. i royally fucked up. i should have been honest— i think things would have gone so much better.”

“it seems like you have a pretty good idea about what you need to work on.” the woman pointed out, impressed. “it was a lot better than our past sessions where you were lost. it seems like you’re starting to get a better grip on yourself.” she nodded in approval.

“i dunno, i think the break i took from working has been really good to me.” billie smiled a bit, she had decided to stop making music for the time being. it wasn’t forever but it was just to give her time to recover.

“do you want to get back together?” the therapist asked, tilting her head.

“yes. more than anything.” billie nodded. “i miss the love that i used to come home to everyday.”

“you could always call.” the therapist suggested.

“i don’t think i’d get an answer.” she huffed.

“you never know if you don’t try.”

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

that’s how billie ended up at a cafe with her leg shaking under the table, waiting for you.

she hasn’t seen you in months. she heard about you from her friends, she tried not to ask but sometimes it would slip out. your friends reluctantly answered out of pity.

you walked into the cafe. her jaw nearly dropped at the sight of you. a smile tugged at her lips. you had cut your hair and your fashion sense had changed, you cleaned up well.

your eyes scanned the room for billie, a small smile forming when you saw her. she looked almost the same, except she dyed her hair.

you were hesitant to come today, but you had done enough self-growth that you were confident enough to face her again.

you made a beeline for her table, sitting down across from her.

billie thought she knew what to say but she was mesmerised by you. you looked good and healthy, and even more beautiful than she anticipated. she wasn’t prepared to have her breath taken away by you.

“hey.” you said, settling down and flashing a smile at her.

“hi.” she responded, clearing her throat.

“um… hey.” you chuckled, raising your eyebrows. “it’s good to see you.”

“yeah, you look good.” she said as the waiter brought her order over. you ordered something for yourself as well while she was there.

the way your eyes twinkled when talking to someone else, that was never there before. you were always more introverted but suddenly it was like you had all the confidence in the world.

she fell in love with you all over again.

you turned back to look at her after ordering, crossing your legs one over the other. you smiled at the look on her face.

“you look surprised.” you pointed out.

“i mean… a little? you’ve changed… in a good way.” she said, sipping at her coffee. “you seem… um… more—“

“out there?” you completed her thought. “well, yes. i kind of put myself to the test. i finally used my savings to travel over the past few months. i kind of had to fend for myself— that involved putting myself out there.” you explained what you had been up to. “all those work hours finally did me good.”

“that’s… that’s really nice.” she said, staring at her coffee on the table. “where did you go?”

“german, greece, rome—“

“rome? you’ve always wanted to go.”

“mmhm. and i finally did. and i finished up my trip in london. i saw some of our friends that we made when i visited you on tour.” you said, scooting over to make room for the waitress putting your order down.

“that’s good, i know they would have been glad to see you.”

you let silence fall over the table for a second as you took a bite of the biscuit at the side of your plate.

“why’d you call?” you asked, cutting to the chase. you thought that there was no point in the small talk when there was clearly something looming over billie.

“oh!” she didn’t expect you to ask so quickly.

“sorry, it just seems like there’s something you’re wanting to say.”

“yeah… i’m uh, i’m in therapy.” she said, leaning back in her seat. “and i just… we’ve been working on how i can explain myself to you. i feel like you deserve that.”

“i would be lying if i said i wasn’t curious, billie. about our relationship ending…” you said, sighing. “feels like i never got closure.”

“that’s fair! and i guess that’s what i wanted to give you.” she said. “i don’t know why i did what i did exactly, because i could have handled it so much better.”

you nodded in anticipation.

“i felt old.” billie sighed out.

you almost let out a laugh but instead let out a stifled chuckle.

“old?”

“old… yeah, it sounds so silly.”

“billie, you’re not even 25.” you scoffed a little bit in disbelief.

“i know! which is why it’s silly.” she said, a little bit defeated. “it was all too much for me when tour ended. i realised how much i had missed with everyone back home. everyone was going to parties and i was stuck working in the studio all the time. i think our relationship took the brunt of it, it was all getting so serious so i took it out on you.”

you furrowed your eyebrows. “serious?”

“yeah… i used to think our relationship getting more serious and committed meant i had to settle down and grow up. i wasn’t ready for that. but i realised i was wrong. our relationship was my safe place to land, coming home to you was the best part of my day.”

“i didn’t realise you felt that way. i wish you told me.” you huffed a little, crossing your arms. “i would have helped you… whatever it took.”

“i know, and that’s why i regret it so much.”

“i kept replaying that fight in my head when it was all so fresh… i just felt like i was fighting with a stranger.” you felt your heart ache upon reliving those memories. “i had some hope that maybe you’d come to your senses that day, that maybe me saying something would be enough for you.”

“i’m sorry that i didn’t. i was so stupid—“

“the worst part is that i never fell out of love with you for a second.” you confessed.

“what?” she asked, making sure she heard you right.

“i tried. i tried to hate you… believe me, i did. but i couldn’t.” you shook your head, finishing your coffee off.

“could we ever try again?” billie popped the question. she didn’t know what answer to expect from you. sure, you still loved her, but could you put yourself in that position again?

“i don’t know.” you said, truthfully. “it’s taking everything in me not to say yes, but i don’t know if i can do that to myself again. i think i’ve come too far.”

“then let me catch up to you.”

there she was. your billie.

you couldn’t hold back a laugh when you heard her say that.

“oh, billie. it’s good to have you back. it’s for the better.” you sighed through the smile that was plastered on your face. “well, how about this then?”

you took her phone that was sitting down on the table. she had reached out through a mutual friend but you didn’t have any other contact information.

“i’ll give you my number.”

thump. thump. thump

billie could hear her own heartbeat in her ears.

“i’ll give you my number.” you said. billie had just met you that night but she was captivated by you.

you had gotten a job working tech at her release party. she saw you backstage and couldn’t take her eyes off you for a second. the way you tried to make sure that everything was perfect for her.

you were a face in the background and yet you were at the forefront of her mind the entire night.

“and you can call me and tell me where to be.”

“and you can call me and tell me where to be.” you giggled, teasing her a little bit. you found it amusing that one of the biggest figures in the world was chasing after you after the show.

she was panting a little bit, she definitely ran after you. her hands were on her knees for just a second while she introduced herself, trying to catch her breath.

you were on your way to your car, your bag already on your shoulder. she couldn’t let you leave without shooting her shot.

you handed her phone back to her.

you handed her phone back to her. she took it back in her hand and immediately pressed dial, you were still in front of her.

she pressed dial.

you rolled your eyes and picked up the phone, holding it up to your ear.

“tomorrow. dinner… at my place?” she said with a cheeky smile on her face.

“tomorrow. dinner… at my place?”

“sure. i’ll be there.”

“sure. i’ll be there.”

•*¨*•.¸¸♪

a/n: heyyy y’all i hope the switching between flashbacks & current time wasn’t too confusing. but i hope u enjoyed part 2 <33 much love mwah mwah

[littledigits]

That time when working in animation made me realize I needed therapy

Since we're on the topic of overworking / being passionate in animation and blah blah blah.  I want to share my story about working on the first season of Hilda (for context I was the animation director), specifically..how completely garbo my mental health got because 

I INSISTED ON WORKING MYSELF INTO THE GROUND. 

This is a story I've shared when I've had a chance to do lectures or talks, and if there is one really awesome thing that comes with ..weird ..animation clout, its that you can use those powers for good in terms of teaching people about the BS that comes with the job...anyway.

The reason why I like to talk about this is because I insisted on doing it to myself, and that was really got me thinking about the factors that do lead us into over working. Because heres the deal

Hilda season 1 was, without getting into too many details, a heckofatime...especally for the core crew. we were a small group, doing something new because most of us haven't worked on a show before that included pre production. My entire career up to that point had been working on service work for shows that were created in Burbank, so the new pipeline had a ton of challenges. We did all care, and we all believed in the project SOOOO much. I would tell people not to work over time, because I want my team to leave on time - but I was there...a lot. Leaving the studio by 11pm , working through the weekends..it wasnt an uncommon thing for me. sure , it wasnt all the time, but this stuff spans years sometimes so it went in waves. But whenever the challenges came up, i doubled down. because I super believed in it.

  And the thing was - other people told me to stop. I had a lot of valid concerns given to me by my friends and team members who saw how I was burning myself out at both ends. And I thought like, well , its my *choice*.  Its my chance to have a voice and be creative and try to do something different and we all have to push ourselves and yes its HARD but. THATS HOW YOU DO IT RIGHT? surely if I just make sure I’m the one overworking and my team isn't.. that's fine. 

Well, no, I was immensely effecting my team maybe I wasn’t telling them to work late, but they were seeing me get more and more tired and stay later and later.  I thought they would still approach me for help, or if they struggled. But the issues they had they kept to themselves without wanting to put more on my shoulders. Because they *cared* , just as much as I did ..and we all took more on our shoulders then we should have and there were a lot of things that I could have solved had I fostered a better communication environment.  I became really resentful in my head over the smallest things, I actually saw myself becoming a more hateful person and easily annoyed. I came home every day rambling about the frustrations. Now, let me preface this by saying - my mental state did not only have to do with overworking. I had and have things still to unpack, but the control I had over work and the validation I got from it was a coping mechanism for me. I really didnt think i had any worth as a person outside of this job. It basically was a very nasty cycle that didnt stop until ...well I had gotten so bad I had to.  By the end of the first season I was actually incredibly close to quitting . I was in big anxiety attack territory because I was so worn thin- I had started therapy but eventually moved onto getting medication as well and that was what allowed me to stick it out. ( I have the same therapist and I am on the same meds, it was very hard to do at the time, but i cant imagine my life now without making that choice ). After it was done I was immensely supported by the studio and worked part time as a trainer, which is what i requested to give my brain a break. (Only a few of my closer friends knew how bad I was getting but it was pretty obvious I needed to rest) I'm really proud of the work we did and we keep doing on the show, ..and some other people may have gone through something similar and found it was worth it, but thats not me. I still struggle not to fall back into that mindset, but it helps knowing that if i keep myself out of it , i can help my team out of it, because I know they care about this show just as much as I do. I’m not a martyr, I am a leader, and its up to me to keep myself healthy so I can keep my crew healthy.   I always strive to be better, but i get to decide what that looks like - and for me ..better has nothing to do with the image on the screen. Its got more to do with the experience of the people around me. Readjusting those priorities has helped a lot with keeping my head above water and not add to the pressure that makes it so hard not to get sucked down in the first place.  I do think its good to talk about though , how our passion and language and drive can lead to a lot of us being a part of this cycle. And if theres one good thing about the challenges, its sharing them so at least others can learn faster then you did ;) . take care of yourself friends.

[herofics]

Long distance, part 2

A/N: This is kinda like a part 2 to this Gojo post, aka the long distance thingy. For us here in Finland, one uni credit is worth 27 hours of work, Idk how it is in other places and I’m too lazy to google it. This is kinda based on how my summer has been so far, so there are some pretty specific things in this, but I enjoyed writing it so I don’t really care. I’m too tired to proofread this because I need to go to sleep, but I think it’s probably fine...

The last two months had been hell. It was so hot and your apartment didn’t have AC, so you had to survive with just a table fan and a cold, wet towel. It was summer, so you were off on summer break from your normal university studies, but you’d taken some summer courses which you regretted immensely the minute you realized you would not have a single free moment the whole summer. Between going to see your family, visiting Gojo in Tokyo and the fact that you were supposed to do 15 credits worth of school work in two months, you were busy to say the least.

As the end of July drew closer, you started to realize that you hadn’t really had a single moment to yourself the whole summer. You’d visited your family twice, both times for about two weeks and when you were there you couldn’t get any school work done, because you were basically a full-time babysitter for your youngest siblings, a therapist and sounding board for your mother, and a cook for the whole family.

You’d finally returned to your apartment after two weeks with your family, and you were exhausted. The moment you got inside, you dropped your bags on the floor and fell face-first into bed. Your apartment was hot as hell, and you were quite sure you wouldn’t be able to sleep, even though you really wanted to. You just laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. It was nicer to sleep alone in the summer, it wasn’t as hot that way, but you also kind of missed the way Gojo wrapped himself around you whenever he slept with you.

“I should call him” you muttered.

Gojo was supposed to come see you while you were with your family, because you couldn’t get away to come to Tokyo to see him, but he had gotten called away on a mission and those plans had gone out the window. You pulled your phone out of your bag and noticed you had gotten a message from him just a few minutes ago.

“You home yet?” it said.

“Yep, can I call you?” you answered.

He usually texted you back almost instantly, but you knew you couldn’t just expect him to be available all the time. He could’ve been on a mission or in a meeting with those old geezers he disliked so much. Though, you were pretty sure he would have texted you back even if he was in a meeting with the higher ups, because he would have been more interested in your text than whatever they had to say to him.

You placed your phone on the nightstand and continued staring at the ceiling, while wondering how long he would take to answer your text. You really missed him. You hadn’t seen Gojo in almost a month, because you had both been busy and your schedules just hadn’t aligned. You’d been calling and texting, but it wasn’t the same as seeing him in person. After you moved, it had certainly been an adjustment for both of you. You still weren’t used to seeing him almost every day. You missed feeling his arms around you, you missed his lips on yours.

You were pulled out of your head by the sound of your phone ringing. You grabbed it from the nightstand and checked who was calling. A smile spread on your face as you saw it was Gojo.

“Hey Toru” you answered cheerfully.

“Hey doll. Glad to hear you’re finally back home”

“Yeah, me too. I’m exhausted, but it’s way too damn hot here, so I can’t even sleep”

“It’s like seven in the evening. You going to sleep already?”

“I would love to, but it’s too hot and the sun is shining directly in my window so eeehh, I don’t know” you shrugged.

Suddenly, you heard your doorbell ring.

“You expecting someone?” Gojo asked.

“Nope. I’m sure they’ve just got the wrong apartment, they’ll go away eventually” you sighed.

“You sure? Maybe it’s someone important” he said in a playful tone.

“I doubt it”

“You should go check it out anyway” Gojo chuckled.

It took you a moment to realize what was going on, but when you did, you rushed to the front door and opened it.

Gojo was waiting behind your door and as you opened it, you almost slammed it in his face. He was so glad to see you and he just couldn’t stop smiling. The last nine months had been a pain in the ass for him. Sure, you’d seen each other at least once a month but compared to the previous multiple times a week, it was basically nothing. He missed you all the time, he missed putting his hand on your waist while you made your morning tea in the kitchen, while he was still half asleep. He missed the smell of your hair and the way you would pepper kisses on his shoulders while hugging him from behind. He missed the feeling of your soft skin under his hands, and the way you lightly bit his lip when you needed to catch your breath while kissing. There you were, right in front of him, and he was just standing there, with these thoughts running circles in his head.

“Satoru?” you asked, tilting your head to the side a bit. “Are you gonna come in?”

“Hmm? Yeah of course” he snapped out of it.

You grabbed his hand and pulled him into the apartment, before pulling the door shut behind him. He took a few steps into the apartment, before stopping in his tracks.

“You’re acting weird. Are you okay?” you asked when you turned back to him after closing the door.

You weren’t really sure what was going on. Sure, this was the longest you’d gone without seeing each other since you met almost ten years ago, but you’d never seen him like this. Was he upset about something? Was he just out of it for some reason? You reached for his hand again and the second you touched him, he grabbed your hand and pulled you into a hug.

“I missed you” he inhaled deeply, burying his face into the crook of your neck.

“I missed you too” you said, pulling him closer.

You just stayed there for a moment, holding each other. You eventually pulled back and placed your hand on the side of his face, slipping a couple of fingers under his blindfold.

“Is it okay if I take it off?” you asked. “You won’t get a migraine later?”

Gojo placed a hand on top of yours and pressed a kiss on your palm. “It’s fine, even if I do get one”

“You sure?” you reiterated.

“Yeah, and besides, if I do get a migraine, I have you to take care of me” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes with a small smile and pulled his blindfold off. You never got used to how beautiful his eyes were, it was breathtaking every time. You could get lost in those eyes if you weren’t careful.

“What’s with that look? Had you forgotten how handsome I am already? We clearly need to see each other more often” Gojo joked.

“Shut up and kiss me already, pretty boy” you said and grabbed his collar.

Gojo grinned as he started to close the distance between your lips, but he was doing it agonizingly slowly. He was clearly savoring the look on your face. You huffed and rolled your eyes, before pulling him into a kiss by his collar. Gojo placed his hands under your ass and lifted you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist and let him pin you between his body and the wall. His right hand had found its way under your shirt while the other one was still on your ass, holding you up. You were running out of air, so you gently bit down on his lower lip. It didn’t stop him from kissing you, it just made him move to your neck.

“Toru” you said breathlessly.

He didn’t even seem to hear you, so you pulled his head back by his hair. “Timeout” you panted.

“You okay?” he asked, catching his breath, searching your face for any signs of discomfort, while still holding you up against the wall.

“I’m good, just… a bit lightheaded”

“And you were worried about me” Gojo smirked.

“Oh, you’re gonna be the death of me” you grinned, before pulling him close again and kissing him. It was going to be the start of a long, enjoyable night.

[schizopositivity]

have you ever talked about how your schizoaffective symptoms and osdd overlap or are different? i have the same diagnoses but my new doctor thinks it might just be one of them

No I haven't but that's a really good question. I'll explain how I got the individual diagnoses, then the overlap I experience, then how I can tell the two apart.

So for me personally I was diagnosed with OSDD first. I've been in therapy for my trauma since I was a child so therapists knew about my responses to trauma and stress for a while. I have a mix of dissociative amnesia and depersonalization/derealization, hence the OSDD diagnosis. I had these symptoms before I had my prodromal period of schizophrenia, and my reoccurring psychosis. I'm pretty sure I was diagnosed as a young teenager but it was suspected before that.

Then once I started having reoccurring and distressing psychotic symptoms, when I tried explaining it to a therapist they had me tested for DID. It turns out I don't have DID, but my psychosis in the beginning seemed to be dismissed as relating to my dissociative disorder. And I think my negative and cognitive schizophrenia symptoms were chalked up to PTSD and depression.

My psychosis escalated over a few years until I had to be admitted to a psych ward and was finally prescribed antipsychotics. At that point therapists realized I did indeed have a psychotic disorder as well, and determined it to be schizophrenia, since I have almost every symptom. (They still don't know if it's schizophrenia and MDD, or schizoaffective depressive type, but the treatment I have now is working so it doesn't really matter to me.)

So now for how my schizophrenia and OSDD overlap and interact with each other:

When I was having very intense hallucinations (before I had antipsychotics) it would sometimes get bad enough for me to fully black out, that's when the dissociative amnesia kicked in. So my memories of these experiences are having prolonged and very distressing hallucinations, then blacking out completely while still being awake and conscious, and then coming out of the blackout hours later, usually crying and hiding under a table or something. So basically my brain would react to trauma by having me totally forget a chunk of time, even though that trauma was the hallucinations that my brain created.

I would also have days of derealization/depersonalization where I would have hallucinations and delusions that enhance the dissociation, and they overlap to totally change my perception of reality.

For me the way I can tell the two disorders apart comes down to a few things: the specific symptoms, when they appear, and what kind of treatment works for it.

So with a dissociative disorder, the way it can impact you is usually very centered around yourself and your perceptions of yourself. Meanwhile the way psychosis impacts you can be limitless. It can impact how you view other people and can oftentimes feel like outside forces, not connected to yourself at all. I tend to hallucinate entire other beings outside of myself, but my dissociation seems to really only impact myself for the most part.

Also dissociative symptoms often occur during trauma, during stress or while your trauma is triggered. Meanwhile psychotic symptoms can flare up randomly, even when you are at your happiest. Sometimes my dissociation occurs as a reaction to the stress of psychosis, but in those cases the psychosis happens first.

And of course, schizophrenia has many more symptoms as a part of it that have nothing to do with psychosis, aka the negative and cognitive symptoms.

Also the treatment is different, the psychotic symptoms of schizophrenia can often be treated with antipsychotics. But any dissociative disorder is most commonly treated with therapy. Like now that I take a daily antipsychotic medication my psychosis is mostly gone, but my dissociation is still around. My dissociation flared up in stressful or triggering situations, but the few hallucinations that I still get will come up totally randomly.

(Sorry this turned into a bit of a ramble, but I realized I hadn't really talked about what it's like to have both OSDD and schizophrenia.)

I think it will be important for you and your new doctor to determine if it is only one, so that your treatment can focus more on that specifically. But if you are happy with your current treatment and don't care about diagnoses that much, then you can let them know that you are content with the way things are now and maybe things don't have to change.

[dont-blame-it-on-the-kids]

50 Random Character Asks: Mako

OH MY GOD this took me 4 hours sitting down lmao

here you GO lins underway i am not accepting anymore FULL Asks but if you have a few numbers (up to 10) and a character i will accept those

1. Canon I outright reject

All of book 2 my fucking god. The whole love triangle never happened. He found Rina, and he fell in love. They’re married and pregnant with the twins in book 3 

2. A canon or headcanon hill I will die on

His wife and twins, foreverrrrrrr

3. Obscure headcanon

He turned into the unofficial handyman for his apartment and is always helping when plumbing goes wrong or when the aircon units go haywire 

4. Favorite line

I like any line where he's pointing something ONLY HE noticed out like it was obvious and just being a good detective. (also those cheesy cop lines he was practicing lmao) 

5. Best personality trait

That hes pretty willing and ready to face challenges head on 

6. Worst personality trait

Hes so stubborn and thick headed i love it 

7. Age/height/weight headcanon

Hes like 18-22 throughout the show 

I think he’s 6ft 5inch 

Idk weighs probably a little underweight in book 1 cuz street rat probender, but after then lin gets him set up in an apartment and she and kya along with asami just make sure he’s got food stocked. 

8. Unpopular opinion about them

I know its not mako specific but I hate Wu*ko I HATE IT 

9. Scene that first made me love (or hate) the character

Him getting work at the electric plant ONTOP of being a probender, a part of the Krew, and trying to keep bolin from trouble. True big sibling activities. 

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book)

I really like the scene where he fights the red lotus in zaofu. He does a good job. 

11. Faceclaim for the role

Chai Hansen

12. Crack headcanon

He’s allergic to Lychee nuts but thinks Lychee juice is supposed to be spicy. 

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done

If we’re looking at canon he fumbled BOTH Korra and Asami, my mans, 

14. Most heroic moment

Honestly I know end of book 4 was a big moment for him but I think he was a hero LONG before with keeping him and Bolin safe on the streets and as out of trouble as they were. 

15. Worst thing they’ve ever done

Godddddd that good intentions but ruining the investigation in book 2 i CANNOT dont get me started 

16. Deepest darkest secret they won’t even admit to themselves

He hates bolin, he hates that bolin doesnt remember their parents well, he hates that he had to raise him, he hates that bolin gets to be irresponsible while he had to grow up at 8 to make sure they were okay. He loves his brother, he really does, but when he’s no longer responsible for bolin mako refuses to accept the relief that comes with that for a while. 

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them

Can't Go Wrong by Phillip Phillips

Sleeping In by All Time Low 

18. What they’d go to see a therapist about

Everything for reall like his parents being murdered infront of him batman style, to raising bolin, to having every adult that new him before we did in the show was abusing him (i.e. the probending owner taking his entire winnings, the triad they worked for when he was younger. My boy had it ROUGH) 

19. Vices/bad habits

I think he picks up smoking honestly. I think he’s been smoking since he was like 11 with the triad and he doesnt let bolin know but he hasnt been able to kick the habit. 

20. Scars

I think he's got a few thinner like knife and burn scars before the explosion scarred up his arm. 

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

Milk 

22. Best physical feature

Cheekbones lmao the cheekbones in that show are insane 

23. If they were a scented candle, what would they smell like?

You know that moment when someone throws pine needles on the fire? And its pine and charcoal and fire and smoke. Yeah, maybe like that. 

24. Most annoying habit

Sleeps with socks on 

25. 3 things they’d want to take with them if they were dropped off in the middle of nowhere

Some money, a map, and his scarf he’ll make his way home lmao 

26. What they would do if stuck in an elevator with [insert character of your choice from the same fandom]

Dont matter who hes with hes gonna get them all out lmao 

27. Their guilty pleasure

Wood carving, he doesnt think it’s a useful use of his time and as the unofficial handyman in his apartment he’s usually rather busy.

28. How they feel about [insert character of your choice from the same fandom]

🤷idk i depends on the person lmao 

29. Eating habits

Bad, bad bad until he meets rina. He gets like A cup o noodles in mid day and mostly survives off milk and juice lmao 

30. Sleeping habits

He has stints of nightmares sometimes but most of the time he can sleep anywhere, unless its too soft. He cant stand soft beds. 

31. If the had a tumblr what would it look like?

He would have a family blog where its pics of his family and the twins and updates and their art and stuff. Then maybe he’ll reblog some like fandom stuff from probending or a radio show he and rina listen to. 

32. Something guaranteed to make them smile/laugh

His twinssss he loves them so much 

33. Something guaranteed to make them cry

Theres a song that his mom used to sing all the time. He still cant listen to it without crying. Rina finds out the hard way when she was humming it cuz it was stuck in her head one day. 

34. How they react when they are feeling X emotion (sad, angry, excited, scared, etc.—can specify as many as you like)

Bottle it mostly. Emotions can be dealt with later. 

35. Their idea of a perfect day

Wake up and make the family breakfast, head off to work for a bit, move a few cases forwards, get home, have dinner, bathe the twins, get them to bed with a story book then cuddle on the couch with Rina until bedtime. 

36. Their favorite season

He loves winter because hes not overheating and people stand closer to him for warmth lmao 

37. What they really think about themselves

He thinks he’s doing well by the end of the series. In my hc world He’s married with his twins, he and bolin have found a name and a path for themselves and they’re not struggling anymore. He’s really grown up and done a lot of work. He’s proud of what he’s done and who his family is, both chosen and blood related.

38. Favorite holiday

Growing up on the streets they did not celebrate holidays for many reasons. He hated them for a long time. but seeing the twins opening gifts on the in universe equivalent of christmas, lin, kya, and asami over for dinner while korra and bolin were away during the timeskip and seeing the twins so happy and opening gifts and stuff. He found he could enjoy the holiday again and even was looking forward to the next years dinner when the twins were older and bolin and korra were back. 

39. Favorite game

He enjoys playing Cabbage Land with the twins (thank you @btheleaf for the Candy Land knock off name)

40. Favorite book

He really got into the romance series lin brought with her to the stakeout once lmao hes not so slyly asked to borrow her copies. Rina, Lin, and Kya have included him on their book club meetings now xD 

41. If they could have lunch with anyone in the world (living or dead, from any fictional universe or the real world), who would it be?

I think he would want to meet his grandfather (i’m excluding his parents cuz thats a copout answerrr)

42. 3 comfort items

His scarf, a tiny glass bird a homeless man made him when they were on the streets (he made bolin a small fireferret), and a photo he has of him korra and bolin from the probending team 

43. 3 favorite foods and 3 they despise

Fav - strawberries, Rina’s chicken fried rice, and he was surprised he enjoyed walrus-cow chowder as much as he did in the south. 

44. Their happiest memory

Hes got a few lol, when he married Rina, and when his twins were born. 

45. Their favorite celebrity

He doesnt seem the kind to follow celebrities too closely honestly. 

46. The person they most admire

Lin Beifong 100000% shes the reason he joined the force and he kinda is always looking for her approval. 

47. Their dream job

He seems to be really good as a detective. Maybe he would have liked to stay a probender for life but the trauma from the attacks were too much to go back really. 

48. Scariest moment of their life

When the dust settles in book 4 and he doesnt know where Rina and the twins are. He doesnt know if they were on the last train out or stuck in the city during the attack. 

49. Favorite toy as a child

He used to have this wooden bird that worked as like an ocarina. Hes using his wood carving skills to try to make one again and maybe make some for the twins.  

50. A memory they’ve blocked out

👀👀 lots of things can happen to young kids on the streets.

[karasucatt]

HELLO! Big fan of your Lion Narinder. Any lion behaviour to expect from him? Love your artstyle. What species of Lamb is yours? How do you depict the Lamb, the way you play them, or your idea for fanart? Do you have any outfits reference for those two? Will Narinder ever grow out his mane again? How does the modern AU of them pan out? Does Narinder get released from his chains? What are their favourite weapons and curses? Does Narinder have any side effect from being chained? I got inspired to make one of my Narinders a lion because of you as well, after @bluecheems lion Narinder.

Have a good month come to you and eat your meals regularly.

YES YES THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A CHANCE TO RANT WITH SO MANY QUESTIONS

Any lion behaviour to expect from him?

Once Nari starts getting comfy he will nuzzle the Lamb a lot more, both in greeting but also in an affectionate way. He also roars on occasion!! Mainly on missions or when the Lamb takes him on Crusades and they loose him lol. He’ll groom the Lamb as well, commenting about how dirty they get during crusades and that he could spend his time doing something more productive(The Lamb knows he’s just being difficult. Every time they return Naris waiting to clean them up before they show themselves fully to the cult)

What species of Lamb is yours? How do you depict the Lamb, the way you play them, or your idea for fanart?

The closest I can get to answering the first question is actually a goat! The way I draw my lamb is heavily inspired by the Dreamurr family(specifically Asriel) so really they’re more like a goat with fluffy hair lol. As for how I depict them, well I love me a good codependent relationship turned two assholes learning how to heal.

My lamb sees themselves as the faithful servant to TOWW at first so they don’t speak(unless it’s to Nojular to announce to the others or during sermons), keep their wool short, and focus only on crusades and keeping the cult stable. It’s once they defeat Kallamar that they start opening up. The crown speaking to them gave them a new boost of confidence(and a tad bit of inanity) so they began speaking more, directing the cult, and focusing on their relationship with their followers more then crusading. With the indoctrination of the cults brand new Therapist(No one asked Focalor to do it they just took up the job themselves), the Lamb was able to work through a lot of their issues.

Now with Nari in the cult, they’ve started their ascension into godhood. This takes a big toll on their mental state, causing more murder episodes and mood swings. Nari knows how bad the ascension process can fuck someone up so he’s helping where he can. The Lamb appreciates it a lot.

Will Narinder ever grow out his mane again?

Nari actually likes it short!! The Lamb asks him this same question all the time and Narinder always says he likes it short. Though he does grow out parts just so the Lamb can braid and decorate it.

How does the modern AU of them pan out? Does Narinder get released from his chains?

I have comics and things planned for the Modern AU so stay tuned for those!! I can say that Nari does get released from his chains by the Lamb on accident. Now he has to learn how to live among mortals and the Lamb is marching straight to their Professor to try and learn more about the formerly sealed god.

What are their favourite weapons and curses?

I generally don’t use curses actually!! I prefer things with high speed and high damage so my best answer is that I like Swords!(I despise guns and hammers they so slow for my lambs nimble ass)

Does Narinder have any side effect from being chained?

He has PTSD from the imprisoning battle and gets the phantom feeling of chains on his wrists from time to time. While he likes his alone time he’ll actually cling to the Lamb once he’s spent more time in the cult. He’s terrified of being alone even if he won’t admit it.

Thank you so so soooo much for this long ask I really wanted to info dump lol! I do have my own outfit designs for them and I’ll leave them below(the Lamb is based off of when they first save Leshy from purgatory. The more recent design you see is based off of when all four bishops have been saved. I’ll make a proper reference for it one day lol)

[tillwehavefaces]

I have literally never posted about Buddie before, but I want to add my two cents to the whole Buck/Tommy debate. I know there are mixed feelings and both sides have valid points, but to those who were expecting a Buddie kiss this soon - I don't get it?

Ever since I found out abc had picked up 911, I was and remain cautiously hopeful for Buddie endgame - in fact, the kiss makes me far more hopeful than I was a week ago. Because the truth is that if they'd gone straight for Buddie, it would have been bad storytelling. Offensively bad storytelling.

Hear me out. I agree with y'all that the storytelling that's happened up until now makes it clear that Buddie are in love with each other. I also happen to think that the storytelling that's happened up until now makes it clear that neither of these himbos have any clue that they're in love with each other, or that they even could fall in love with a man.

And it's not for lack of opportunity, if the writers had wanted to go that way, obviously! There's was Buck's reaction to Eddie being stuck in the well and Eddie making Buck Christopher's guardian in his will and both of them almost dying and Eddie having a literal breakdown over all the trauma he's repressed and they've both been to therapy and they've both broken up with women who were all wrong for them ... I could go on and on.

But not only did the writers not take any of these opportunities to make at least one of them realize their feelings for the other might not be platonic (certainly, no explicit indication on screen), but because fox was so afraid of losing viewers if they made both their supposedly straight male firefighters queer, they doubled down on Eddie and Buck seeing their relationship as platonic. Every time one of them went through some kind of life-changing experience and questioned deeply held beliefs about themselves yet never questioned their sexuality, it made it seem less and less likely that *anything* would make them realize they might be queer and in love with their best friend.

Honestly, I think if abc had gotten the show at a different point, they might have been able to go straight into Buddie. For example, a season earlier? Eddie's just gotten through a ton of trauma with the help of a therapist and is returning to the 118, and it would've been easy to write a storyline where he's realized his feelings for Buck and tries to do something about it. Or maybe right after Buck's near-death experience. But they both got through those traumas and started dating new women, as oblivious to the love right in front of them as ever. And that's how S6 ended.

So I don't think there's anything abc could have done to convince me that either one of them suddenly realizes how they feel without something happening. If that Buck/Tommy kiss had instead been a Buddie kiss, I would have loved it, but I wouldn't have really believed it. It wouldn't have felt genuine.

Excuse my nerdy science brain, but it's like inertia - Buck and Eddie have both been going in one direction for so long (the 'we're straight best friends!' direction) that it's going to take some kind of force to knock them off that path. It can't be near death experiences, cause they've both been there and it hasn't worked. It can't be finding new girlfriends or breaking up with said girlfriends. No, it's gotta be something really obvious.

That force is Tommy. A canon gay character who recognizes Buck as queer even when Buck doesn't recognize himself as queer. Who (unknowingly) forces Buck to confront that part of himself by kissing him, which will in turn force Eddie to confront his feelings and reaction to seeing his best friend and co-parent now dating a man. I can't say for sure that Buddie is coming, but I honestly think this (not Tommy specifically, but a queer man who is outside the whole Buddie situation) is the only way to tell this story in a way that makes it feel true to life, given the mess that fox created.

[autisticlee]

I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

[all-pacas]

ykw the most frustrating part of that is. that's not even how halsin IS. as someone who enjoys him, even if i agree that he probably didn't need to be elevated to companion - he in no way indicates he'd be paternalistic about sex! at every point he just. rolls with it. he's not gonna be explaining consent or stuff unless asked specifically, he's gonna assume his partner knows what they want and trust that they will tell him to stop or change something etc. 1/

And you could argue that could make an INTERESTING dynamic with someone who’s still working through finding what they actually do like, and I mean in the ‘causing interesting issues’ way, if you wanted to go there, but having him just be a dildo attached to a self-help podcast isn’t that. And like it's p clear that he's CHILL about sex, not a walking sex textbook. 2/ He brings up a poly relationship and if you mention you have a partner he’s just like yeah duh I wouldn’t do this without their permission? and YOU get to say if you’re willing to ask them about it, he doesn’t tell you to or not. Doesn’t give you a primer on poly and how to approach it or anything. 3/ not to mention he has his own Extremely Fucked Up backstory about sex that he has obviously a) come to terms with and b) reacted very differently to astarion, but he’s maybe the most likely to understand the need for sexual agency without explaining it in therapy speak. he's got wisdom as his highest stat for a reason 4/ hell, if you go in with him to the drow twins with gale he doesn't even get all uwu consent about gale nervous bamfing out he's just like ‘oh damn, was hoping you'd show us what that wizard mouth do. Anyway watch me fuck your girlfriend and join in if you like :D’. anyway sorry for this essay but damn it annoys me seeing people flatten what could be interesting into 'uwu sad prettyboy gets railed by buff carebear speaking like a tumblr post' /end

railed by buff carebear speaking like a tumblr post YES THAT EXACTLY THANK YOU

i had a tangent in the post i deleted for being too tangental, but since you're allowing me the excuse: i COULD see astarion/halsin in a - they're both lowkey horny. they hook up. like play with the dynamics, you know? they hook up and it's only later halsin finds out about astarion's Trauma (because while he's generally open that cazador was a Bad Time, he doesn't actually go around advertising the specifics). let HALSIN freak out. he remembers his own backstory here, he starts worrying he Took Advantage, he gets all the tumblr takes about it. let astarion - very reluctantly, you know he doesn't wanna play therapist - be the one to lay down the rules. declare his boundaries and horniness.

like there probably IS something you could do with that premise. as little as astarion is inclined to carry anyone's emotional baggage, he does repeatedly, with durge, state he wants to be an equal partner, to protect and not be protected. i can actually easily see him warming to the role of "being needed" - when has anyone ever relied on him? expected anything from him besides a warm body? mind you, he'd probably be terrible at it, but i can see that appealing to him.

hell, you can EVEN make a case that halsin hasn't accepted his backstory as well as astarion. he kind of laughs it off. oh, yeah, it happened, it's over! astarion is actually pretty self aware that he's fucked up and disassociates and forces himself through sex. you could actually have a lot of fun with that in a fanfic. have astarion go "oh, no, you're probably a bit fucked up about that, aren't you?" and halsin be like lol no i'm fine. let astarion be the weird paternalistic one for once, i'm saying. as a Treat.

anyway tl;dr i agree with you. i wrote my little rant about astarion because i feel like i Get the character better, but honestly the dynamic is a huge disservice to halsin, too. what if he doesn't want to be a therapist??? what if he's not into it??? what if he just wanted a hook up with the local pretty boy, huh????

[nhi-theuserof-this]

Noir hcs!! (+punknoir!)

These are based on BS and nobody can stop me because I’m the author >:)

Ok so this list also doubles as self promotion but we aren’t talking about that right now ✌️

Also content warnings! I’m keeping it light but like general warning for noir having poor mental health, nothing terrible or explicit brought up and hcs end on a light note

-he’s recruited to the spider society specifically due to basically his entire life getting shaken around like those little glitter water jars

-the events of itsv changing his mentality ->therefore changing how certain events were supposed to go

-he near exclusively shows up to use their infirmary

-he doesn’t get sent on missions due to not having a no-killing rule

-he primarily starts going by ben at first(not only as a differentiator for author) because he’s quite detached from his own identity as a person and needed a fresh slate so to speak

-now he just likes going by ben since hobie is the one that started it

-he goes to therapy with spider therapist. The bill goes straight to miguel

-he’s aroace, he has no fucking clue what the terminology actually is, just knows he’s got no romantic intention when kissing and holding hands

-punknoir. Need I say more?

(yes I need to say more.)

-he and hobie getting together is simultaneously a gradual thing and also just absolutely random. They get closer as time passes but there’s absolutely no beating around the bush when it comes to saying their feelings to each other

-he starts growing a pot of flowers shortly after they get together and is going to gift them to hobie when they start to bloom so they can plant them in his(hobies) universe

-hex codes. Something about them

-there’s a group in the spider society that write a newsletter about what he gets up to because people were interested and a little worried about him when he joined

-he does not know there’s a newsletter about him. There’s probably a subplot about that going on its merry way right about now

-he’s trans he’s so trans literally the most trans of trans look at him and his misery and tell me he isn’t trans

-on that topic he does not like his face

-he also loves hearing his own voice, he’s not gonna go out of his way to talk all the time but he’s really proud of the general control he has to get it that way. I’d be proud too actually

-continuing, he just passes so well when I think about it. Deep ass voice, pretty tall, and whatever his build may look like, he’s got a fire ass fit with that coat and hat and stuff

-speaking of the hat, he’s quite fond of it and has had it for a while, he likes to personify it for bits and quips sometimes

The post is getting a bit long so I think I’ll make another part at some point, if you enjoyed any of these I greatly recommend reading my series!! [Link] I put my heart into it and I want you all to love it too! Things are getting a bit busy but I’m working on another main work as well as outsiders pov with more of the newsteam

Take care all! <3

[epersonae]

You've made me mad with power. Director's Cut of "I Spit On Your Grave", please.

Obviously I wanted -- no, needed -- to write a fic where Stede finds out what actually happened with Izzy while he was gone.

It is a key aspect of my Bad Ending fic in case I never make it through to where you are that Stede does NOT know, because I think otherwise he would have actually killed Izzy in that fic. I had a lovely long conversation with my therapist about that, both that fic generally and this question of knowing what was done to someone you love who is gone. Because HOOBOY did s2 kick up all my feelings about Ryn's parents, especially their mother; there was a piece of information that I found out after Ryn died that made me so angry I did seriously have a full-blown panic attack about it.

So yeah, I was always going to write something, but part of my writing process especially with shorter works is that I need a hook, something to get me into it -- an image or a sentence, something concrete to pull together whatever messy ideas have been spinning around in the blender.

And of course, I might have written it sooner (and it would have been a different fic) but I did break my leg right before Christmas, and that basically took me out not just physically but also mentally for about two months. I actually started making some notes in late January but I didn't have any stamina to do the writing until late February.

I knew the hook was going to be a bit back from the actual harm -- I've been fascinated by this question of how Izzy never says that "his captain" is actually Blackbeard since way back in my first watches of the show, and then there's kind of a running joke around here about how Stede always leads describing the meet-cute with "so I'd been gut-stabbed" like babygirl what. And the phrase "just happened upon our ship" or whatever that is, when MY DUDE HE'S BEEN FOLLOWING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME. The whole thing has this mix of Izzy having been lying through his teeth and Stede being hilariously oblivious that cries out for something to dig into.

And then I saw this post by @iamadequate1, and OH OKAY. Because weaponized therapy language and isolation in emotional abuse is something that, well. Yeah. Plus it had all the relevant bits of dialogue in one post! Plus I'd been thinking about Izzy as an unreliable narrator for almost two years, and I'd been thinking specifically about people with uhhhhhh a "flexible relationship with the truth" (to use a line from the fic), and a tendency to say different things to different people in order to evade responsibility.

So I made some notes, according to the document history at the end of January, and then probably either went back to sleep or back to watching Perry Mason. Came back to it in late February, and the first two-thirds or so came together pretty quickly and then I got stuck. I knew I wanted something with Stede yelling at the grave, but I'd sort of written myself into a corner where that didn't seem to be happening. (Basically, got to the point where he holds Ed while Ed is crying.)

And then I saw THIS post by @celluloidbroomcloset, and something clicked together about "doggie heaven" and the parallel with Ned Low, and somehow that was the rug that tied the room together. Probably because also they're both dead, Izzy and Ned, and that leads to this question of the impossibility of revenge, and that so much of the time there's just nothing you can do, really, and that also hurts. Even if they're not dead; there's just no point, like what the fuck are you gonna do, exactly? Which is sort of where the Mary parallel comes in, I think, and also not giving Izzy credit for bringing them together, because that's all them.

All in all this is a really special fic for me, trying to find this balancing point where things are pretty good for them, actually, but they still need to work through their respective hurts and be properly seen -- fill in all the blanks so they can move forward.

[mercyofmurdock]

The Ghost In Me (I)

Pairing: Simon “Ghost” Riley x Military!Reader (Callsign “Tokyo”) (Slow Burn)

Warnings: Canon Typical Violence, Canon Typical Gore, Explicit Language

Word Count: 4.0k

Summary: You are called in to assist the 141 in a very sensitive mission that requires your very specific skill set. However, you find yourself inexplicably drawn to one particular member who seems to share the same ghosts as yourself.

———

Some ghosts never leave you. They stare you down in the night, at the corner of your vision, an ever present reminder of the past you cannot change. They could be flashes of memory: people you’ve wronged, people you’ve hurt, or they could be other, more sinister apparitions.

Your ghost never took on the form of a person. It never once became corporal but you remained hyper aware of it nonetheless. The dark shape that watched you every night did just that, watch you. The manifestation of your guilt your therapist had said, the guilt of a woman who maimed without hesitation, who would pull the trigger at the slightest of opportunities. That was all part of the job; the killing, the torture, the constant fear that each mission would be your last. You knew deep down that you would never escape that dark shadow that loomed in the peripheral of your night time vision.

———

The scent of pine and snow hit you with a blast of cold air as the plane doors opened. The freezing temperatures put your senses on high alert as they crashed through any ounce of tiredness left from the journey. The shouting of orders filled the air but felt muffled as you stepped off the plane and your boots hit the compacted snow of the floor. The air felt crisp and fresh as you moved away from the petroleum fumes of the plane. Your pack felt heavy on your shoulder as you made your way off the runway and into the main base.

Snow covered TEMPER tents lined a rough gravel path through the clearing in the forest. From the insignias on the tents, you could tell multiple nationalities were represented leading to more questions than answers. Soldiers milled about, stomping their boots to regain feeling in their feet before ducking into tents or continuing about their day. You eventually came to a tent marked ‘COMMAND’ and turned inside.

The metallic tang of an electric heater hit you as you dropped your bag to the floor and rezipped the front of the tent. A few tables had been set up along the edges, piled high with a variety of screens and computers. Towards the back of the tent, a few people stood around a large table, deep in discussion. They turned to face you as you approached.

“You must be Tokyo.” A woman said as she turned to face you, her hand outstretched, “I’m Kate Laswell - I hear that you’re going to be very helpful to us in these coming months.”

“Affirmative ma’am. I was told to report directly to command as soon as I arrived to be briefed on my duties - if you’re not busy we can get started now.” You looked to the men behind her, one of them was facing away from you and the other was regarding you with a steely expression.

“You don’t beat around the bush do you? But yes we can get started. These are two of the men you’ll be working with whilst on mission. Commander Graves here joins us from the US military and Captain Price from the SAS.”

“Well I’ll be damned, Tokyo in the flesh.” The man who had been facing away now turned to look at you, a smile on his face.

“How have you been John?” You smiled back as he approached and embraced you in a hug.

“You two know eachother?” The other man, Graves questioned.

“Tokyo here got me out of a tight spot in Budapest once, delivered me some key intel that saved me and my squad. Bloody saved the mission she did.” Price laughed.

“You flatter me John, I was just doing my Job.” You turned back to face Laswell who was regarding the encounter with a bemused expression. “What do you have got me this time?”

She turned and beckoned you to the table, ontop a map of Germany and Austria placed, small pins connected major cities and military bases throughout the area.

“Two months ago, we received intel that illicit nuclear weaponry was being passed around the arms dealing circuit. We were unaware as to how operational the weapons were but as you probably know we have to take these kind of threats seriously.” She looked up at you and then motioned to Graves. “Graves and his team received intel that one of the private militia groups they had been tracking had gotten their hands on some of these nuclear material with the aim of distributing it around the country. Their entire network went dark three weeks ago along with several other groups of interest. They’re planning something big and we are brutally unprepared for the fallout of the use of these nuclear weapons.”

“Where do I come in?”

Graves stepped forward at this, turning to lean back on the table. “Two days ago my team intercepted communication that one of the high-ranking members of our militia is being transported through the black forest tomorrow. We’ll capture the asset but we’ll need you to get the information out of him. Price here said you’re our best bet.”

Price spared you a small smile before looking away. You knew that you were the best at your job, that was a given, but it was still uncomfortable to admit just how good you were.

“I can get anyone to talk. You’ll need to give me any and all information on the asset to read up on and I’d like to be in the field when we launch the assault. I’ll see if there’s anything else there I can use against him.” You looked to Graves who nodded.

“If that’s okay with your team Price? It’s your squad so it’s your call.” Price looked at Graves and nodded.

“Then it’s settled, the assault team leaves at 0900 hours tomorrow so you best use the rest of the day to do your homework. You’re bunking with Price’s team so he can show you to your tent.” Laswell motioned to Graves who stood up straight and walked over to where your bag was, hoisting it over his shoulder and motioning for you to follow.

You spared one last look at Laswell and Graves before bracing yourself to enter the winter’s cold again.

———

“If you think about it, there’s only so many ways we can piss off Graves before we get sent away.” A Scottish voice proclaimed as Price opened the tent flaps.

“Fuck off Soap, it’s just some snow get a grip.” Another, much deeper voice replied.

“Enough of that now lads, we’ve got a guest.” John shouted into the tent. You turned back from fastening the tent flaps back together and took stock of the inside.

“Tokyo, this is 141, 141 this Tokyo.” He turned to let you past and get a good look of the men inside. One man stood by the foot of a bed, his mohawk and cheeky grin immediately put you at ease. On the bed next him, a man in full tac gear and a skull mask sat up, even seated he was a hulking man and his brown eyes pierced you from behind his mask. At the other end of the tent, another man was washing his hands.

“I’m Soap but you can call me Johnny, sweetheart.” The man with the mohawk introduced himself and shook your hand. He was the Scottish voice from earlier.

“Soap.” Price sent a Soap a warning stare.

“Chill out Captain, I’m just messing about.” He smirked before sending you a wink and walking back over to what you assumed to be his bunk.

You shifted your weight from foot to foot, waiting for the other two men to introduce themselves. You had a vague idea of who the masked man in front of you was, after all the Ghost was a legend to everyone. Yet you will waited for him to speak up.

“I’m Gaz, nice to meet you - the Captain here has told us all about you.” The third man in the room said with a smile. It seemed genuine enough so you returned his friendliness with one of your own.

“All good things I hope.” You joked as you turned to face the Ghost. “And who are you?”

He didn’t reply immediately, just turned his face to look you up and down, his assessing brown eyes seemingly judging if you were a threat or not. The breath in your throat hitched slightly as you met his gaze.

“I’m Ghost.” Was all he offered before turning back to whatever it was he was doing before. You felt your shoulders deflate at his curt response.

“Well now that we’re all introduced, I’ve got to head back to Laswell. I’ll make sure the files get sent here so you can have a start on them, make yourself at home because you might be stuck here for a while.” John nodded his head almost in warning to the others before he dipped out of the tent. His exit let in the briefest of cold gusts but it was enough to make your hair stand on end.

“Welcome to the 141.” Soap called as you sunk into your bunk.

———

Your eyes blurred as you read the same line on the file again, trying to find anything that might be of use in the interrogation tomorrow. Night had fallen so you worked by one of the electric lamps in the tent, it’s constant buzz grating your ear drums.

“Have you eaten yet LT?”

You startled upright and turned to face Soap as he entered the tent. He held two MREs in his hands, one outstretched towards you. You took it with a nod before closing the file and moving to the small basin at the back of the tent.

“Thanks. I get so caught up in my work sometimes that I lose track of time completely.”

“I’m the same, I’d probably be dead by now if I didn’t have the guys out there looking out for me.” He came to stand next to you as you added water to the heat pack to make the meal, you silently offered your hand out to fill his heat pack up too and he obliged.

“They seem… nice.”

“You mean Gaz and Price seem nice.” Soap corrected as if he had read your mind. “Ghost will grow on you, don’t worry, he’s just a little cold when you first meet him. I can promise you he’s a softie under all that armor.”

“I’ve heard stories about him, the man is a legend. I mean isn’t he legally dead?” You handed Soap back his now warm MRE and gestured for him to follow you to the small table in the corner of the tent.

“Ghost is a ghost in all senses of the word. He’s a demon on the battlefield but after all he’s been through I don’t blame him. I don’t even know the half of it but what I know would be enough to drive me to the brink - I don’t know how he does it.” Soap admitted as you sat down.

“Well it will be interesting to see him in action.” You admitted as you set a timer for the MREs. “But what about you? Last time I worked with Price he was with an entirely different team. How did you end up working with him?”

“Ah, that’s a long story. But I’m sure you know all about reshuffles and that - Price actually requested the three of us for his squad so that’s how we officially came together. We’ve run a few ops before but never anything of this scale.” He leant back in his chair and rested his boots on the table. “What about you? How did you meet Price?”

You let out a long sigh, joining him in leaning back in your chair.

“I’m sure by now you’ve been informed as to what my particular skill set is. The SAS drafted me in to get some information out of a particularly stoic yet important asset. All of their interrogation techniques had failed so they called me in. It took me 17 minutes to break him and the information he gave me was pivotal to the squad being able to make it out alive.” You made eye contact with Soap who only nodded. “After that we’ve worked together on a few ops but nothing of that magnitude. I don’t usually work with the same operatives multiple times.”

“We’ll we’re more than glad to have you join the team. Just stick with us in the field tomorrow and we shouldn’t have any problems. It’ll be a walk in the park.”

The timer on your phone dinged and the two of you focused your attention on the slop in front of you.

———-

The operation was not a walk in the park.

From the second contact was made the mission was flipped on its head. The barrage of gunfire, the stink of gunpowder, the metallic taste of blood. You were pinned between Soap and Ghost, your own gun near empty and a bullet embedded deep in your arm.

“LT we need to move now!” Soap shouted as he returned gunfire to the enemies on the other side of the truck.

“If we can make it to the tree line we’ll have better cover and a better chance at an extract.” You groaned and tightened your grip on your wound. “Fuck”

“Negative, we won’t be able to get an evac if we’re in the trees. We need to clear them out in order for the heli to land.” Ghost cut in, he fired off a few more shots before reloading. “Tokyo you need to stay down and stick on me. Soap you try to regroup with Gaz and Price.”

“Roger that LT. I’ll see you two on the other side - give me some cover will you?” Soap then turned and sprinted away from the truck towards the last place Gaz had been spotted.

You let out a shout of pain as you turned to hold the back of Ghost’s tac best, earning you a quick glance from him.

“I’m fine, I’ve had worse.” You assured him as you positioned yourself to get ready to move.

“Good because you’re pivotal to this operation so I need you out of here alive.” He then grabbed your arm to place it appropriately on his vest. “Don’t let go and don’t let me lose you.”

“Affirmative sir.” You responded, looking up at the hulking man and meeting his brown eyes through the mask. He was regarding you with an odd stare which was quickly cut off by an explosion from your right.

“Fuck it, let’s move, stay tight on my six.”

He stood up and you followed, keeping close to his back. The shriek of gunfire could be heard as well as the whir of helicopter blades from above.

“Is that one of-“

The helicopter exploded above you.

“TAKE THAT YOU SLIMY BASTARDS.” The twang of Soap’s accent could be heard followed by a whoop from Gaz.

“Glad to know they’re alive at least.” You attempted to joke as you and Ghost dived behind the debris for cover.

“Don’t say anything just yet, we’ve still got to get out of this mess.” Ghost grumbled as he fired off a few more shots, “How is your arm holding up?”

You spared a glance under your blood soaked hand and then to your torso.

“I need you to apply pressure to the wound whilst I make a tourniquet.” You looked up at him expecting some response but instead he quickly complied with your order, holding your wound so you could use your free hand to free some gauze from your pack and tie it tight around the wound.

“You good to go Tokyo?” Ghost looked up at you as you finished tying the not, flexing your arm a few times to check if it was secure.

“As good as I can be.” You leant down to release your pistol from your thigh sheath and looked back at him.

Ghost nodded and grabbed your hand to position it on his back.

“Let’s get out of here. Keep tight.”

——

The rhythmic hum of the ventilation system and the consistent dripping from the ceiling had been your idea. Monotonous sounds helped break a man, forced their mind to crack and wilt under pressure. It was exactly what you needed.

“Let’s start with your son.” You slid a polaroid picture across the table. It featured a young boy, blonde haired, green eyed like his father in front of you. The picture was a telescopic shot of him playing in what seemed to be a playroom - he looked vulnerable, alone.

“What about him?” The man in front of you cooly asked. He seems oddly at ease, leant back in his chair and regarding you with his head slightly tilted.

“He goes to Hedenberg International School, am I correct? Along with your daughter, Alexandra?” You posed the question although you both knew it was a way to show off how much you knew.

“And that has to do with this interrogation, how?” The head was no longer tilted. Bingo.

“Three of my men are currently inside said school, with express orders to pull the trigger if you so much as breathe wrong.” You pulled out your first threat. When you had first started, you’d pull your cards, play them close to your chest; but now you’d learnt. Throwing them straight into the deep end threw assets off kilter, made them panic, made them more likely to cooperate.

“You’d risk the public outcry of killing two innocent children, all to get information out of me? Pathetic, you’ll have to try harder.” He snorted, but you could hear the slight panic in his voice.

Smiling, you slowly sat down in the chair opposite him. Deliberately taking your time to leaf through the folder in your hands, not replying to his taunts.

“Is that all you’ve got?” He was leaning forward now. His fatal mistake.

“Tell me where the weapons are and I won’t execute the plan.” You didn’t even look up from the file but you could feel his agitation.

“I won’t tell you anything. If you get to my children then they’ll die swift deaths. If they get to my children then they will suffer.” He was rationalizing with himself now, you could almost hear his brain tick.

Your gun was pulled and shot before he could even lean back. The bullet connected with his knee cap and you could hear it shatter. The guard behind you jolted and made a small whimpering sound.

“YOU SON OF A-“ The man screamed as his hands went to his now shattered knee. “I’ll tell you NOTHING.”

“So what about Gunther Richt. Says here that he runs your little operation.” You continued as if nothing had happened. You spared a glance up at him, a grimace was etched onto his face as his head lolled back in pain. “Gunther. Richt.”

He looked at you as you repeated the name.

“Go to hell.”

———-

The beep of the various computers in the command centre greeted you as you walked in. Laswell stood over the table whilst Graves looked on in silence, Price was nowhere to be seen.

“They’re moving the weapons through Austria at 1700 hours tomorrow. I’ve sent a list of checkpoints they’ll cross through to the data analysts to best plan a route.”

The pair jolted up as you spoke and turned to look at you. You knew you looked a state, blood stained your hands and uniform, a splatter crossed your face and your combat knife was missing from its sheath.

“And the asset?”

“I got all we needed out of him, I handed him off for disposal.”

Laswell let out a visible sigh of relief, leaning back on the table.

“How long did it take you to break him?” Graves stepped forward, he regarded you with a look of what seemed to be awe - it was off-putting.

“I was in there for just over 30 minutes. There’s nothing else he knows that will be of use to us. All of the audio recordings have been sent for redaction and are being transcribed as we speak. They’ll be sent to your tablets as soon as they are ready.”

You looked at Laswell, she simply nodded and straightened up.

“Go get yourself cleaned up lieutenant, there’s more work to be done yet. You’re dismissed.”

You bowed your head slightly at the pair before turning and walking out of the tent.

A few mumbles and stares followed you as you made your way through the camp. Everyone knew what you did, everyone knew what you had done but you’d done this a thousand times before and you weren’t about to let the states get to you now.

The 141 tent came into view and you pushed your way inside. The crew lay in various states of relaxation, bandages littered their bodies but they were alive and well.

“You look like shit LT.”

Soap pushed himself into a seated position as you entered, he had attempted to put on a smile but you could see the worry in his eyes.

“I feel like it too.”

You walked to your bunk and picked up the supplies you would need before walking to the back of the tent where a small portable shower had been hooked up behind a curtain. Soap didn’t push any further and you were glad. You wanted nothing more than to wash the day away, scrub the red off your skin, pull the dried blood from under your nails.

As you pulled off your black overlays and threw them in a bucket of water, you caught a glimpse of the black shape in your periphery. It was watching, and you watched back.

———

By the time you had left the makeshift cubicle, most of the 141 had headed to the mess tent. All that remained was Ghost on his bunk, he sat on the edge, staring forward as if waiting.

“You didn’t feel like joining them?” You gently questioned as you made your way past him.

“It gets better.” Was all he said. You threw him a quizzical look over your shoulder to find him looking up at you.

“What does?”

“The darkness, I know it follows you like it follows me. I saw it in your eyes when you walked in earlier.” You let your shoulders deflate as he continued, “Just remember that you’re on the right side of this.”

“What does yours look like?” You asked, you didn’t expect a response to such a personal question so turned back to your bunk.

“Myself.”

You whipped your head back, Ghost was standing now, much closer to you than before. From your position you suddenly were very aware of how tall he was. His broad shoulders seemed to dwarf you but you stood your ground.

“Mine just watches, I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s like a shadow of myself.” The last part came out as a whisper, you knew he had heard as his head slightly tilted.

“Interesting.” Was all he said before he walked past and exited the tent.

You let out a breath you didn’t know you had been holding.

———

A/N

A bit of a filler chapter to introduce the story today! This is going to be a SLOW burn but I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it!

[mandatory-blog-stop-asking]

Shilling my queer fanfic for calendar reasons

Hey everyone, since it's Pride Month I figured I'd post some of... well you read the title, you know what's up.

Easily the most accessible thing I got out right now with explicitly queer characters is a little trilogy of Amphibia fanfic I like to call "Lost in Amphibia". It's three individual stories, each of them accompanying one of the girls in their adult lives. The first one is "Coming Out", about Marcy going to a therapist to talk more openly about Amphibia for the first time, but then ends up doing a tangent and coming out as aromantic.

This one is specifically aromantic representation, not asexual or aroace -- I just felt like aroace usually gets mushed together all the time, so I figured I could try to talk about one of them without the other.

The second one is Anne's chapter, "Missing". in which Anne, while not queer herself, eventually confides about her mental health with her friends, and during it, Sasha shares a personal story about how it was to have a trans significant other around her family, who doesn't support her.

Being transparent -- this story is a lot more about mental anguish from Anne's part than about Sasha's queerness, and I wrote Anne as straight. Don't want to start Pride month baiting you, but if that sounds interesting, hey check it out--

The last and third one, however, is about how queer Sasha is, and a lot of other things, but her queerness is pretty key to the story. It's long, it assumes you read the others, I don't quite know how well it ages thematically, and please feel free to just tell me if it reads poorly. It's called "Fear Not" and it ends the trilogy.

Fuck that was a lot, okay. I have other stories with queer themes that I am less confident recommending -- one would be the Steven Universe fanfic The Diamond Authority, which I am holding back because it is incredibly long, and the other would be X-Men fanfiction Check, which is about Magneto and Xavier being there for each other in a bad moment, not quite having the language to say to each other what their relationship is, and pussyfooting around it. You know, like the comics! Which is why hey if you're interested feel free to scroll down my finished works, I haven't put that many stories there so it should come up soon.

I also got an original story I might publish on Amazon for the minimum amount which is about a lot, but also about a protagonist figuring out their assigned gender is not the one they want to use after a significant life event. More to come on that later, especially if there's interest.

Either way, hey, I was born in Pride Month and I never celebrate because for most of my life I didn't really consider myself a part of it, so I figured it would be nice to do it at least once now that it's... shit, sinking in, I guess. A lack of community means I don't really very secure in the flag I believe I was assigned by the internet, but I do like writing about identity a lot, so the thoughts come out one way or another.

Hope you like the art! Or at least don't get annoyed reading it! Happy Pride Month and please feel free to tell me if this shit is tacky, people have such strange relationships with fanfiction that they don't have with fanart, I never know how this comes off.

[stormyoceans]

Do you have any other wishes for GMMTV part 2 aside from the mandatory slow burn?

[TAKES OUT HER WISHLIST] ANON HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE

all jokes aside, i honestly do have way too many wishes when it comes to what i want to see from GMMTV and most of them are very hyperspecific, so instead of giving you just an endless list of whatever random ideas or pairings i’d like to get (which is maybe more appropriate for a bingo card or something like that), i kinda condensed it all into some more general categories (sort of. a couple fo these are still pretty specific ;;;;;;;;)

anyway, here we go!!!!

1. WOMEN. literally my top wish after anything jimmysea related is MORE. WOMEN. like srsly give me viewjune as the main pairing in a GL!!!!!!!! give me sizzy in any combination!!!!!!!! give me women centring shows where the women actually get treated as the main characters!!!!!!!! give me the GL version of series like only friends and we are where the women get to be silly and nasty!!!!!!!!! give me jamie kissing women as a treat to me specifically!!!!!!!!! GIVE. ME. WOMEN.

2. historical QL. after the success of i feel you linger in the air and with both idolfactory and domundi working on releasing historical QLs in the near future, i think it’s about time GMMTV also gives us a proper one. possibly with no time travel or reincarnation involved, for once

3. plot driven QL. this is kinda tied to my wish for an actual slow burn and partly to the following point as well, but i do desperately wish we could get a QL series where the romance is obviously still there, but it’s not the main focus of the show, or at least not the only one. something like manner of death or triage, where the romance just happens along the way as the story unfolds. i think the closest GMMTV got to it was with not me, but it would be nice to get more, even if i know this is not everyone’s cup of tea

4. some variety please for the love of god. look, i know we’re never gonna get rid of school settings and office romances, so it’s pointless to wish to have none of those, but i do desperately need a bit more diversity. of the fifteen series announced in part 1, seven of them are set in school. SEVEN. that’s basically half of the offer they’re giving. and okay, if we consider only the QL shows then the ratio is better (3 out of 9), but still. give me thriller shows, give me horror shows, give me fantasy shows, give me sci-fi shows, give me jobs that aren’t just office workers or chefs, give me mystery, give me crime, give me cashiers and doctors and detectives and firefighters and taxi drivers and teachers and librarians and waiters and bartenders and mechanics and lawyers and flight attendants and therapists and farmers and hairdressers and reporters, JUST!!!!!!!!! explore something new!!!!!!!! take some risks!!!!!!!! i know GMMTV as a company is not as big as we think it is and that it focuses on teens and new generation audiences, but i don’t think younger people want to see students and office workers exclusively……

5. QL exploring other sexualities and gender identities. just give me ace main characters, trans main characters, non-binary main characters, ALL THE DIFFERENT QUEER MAIN CHARACTERS!!!!!!!

6. pepper/papang/guy/podd in any combination as a main pairing in a QL. love and light to all the rookies but if GMMTV doesn’t give these men some main roles im gonna start committing grand scale larceny to cope