#Well I am probably autistic considering the stuff I had to put up with my entire life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

little-lovely-demon-doll · 6 months

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Is This Considered Hypersexuality? /gen

Me trying to figure out if I'm actually hypersexual or if it's a term I'm using due to a lack of better terminology.

I've seen multiple viewpoints and perspectives in a search to find out if I am or not, but I'd like to ask real quick: Would the following experience recounted below count as hypersexuality? I created this sideblog because I didn't want this associated with my main, but here goes nothing.

CW: Grooming mention near the end

♡ Preamble ♡

Before I get into the meat and bones of things, I'm going to state ahead of time and I'm autistic and asexual, two factors that may or may not contribute to the broader consensus. I also have multiple OCD subtypes caused by multiple things, including childhood trauma. Now, I've always struggled on whether or not my experience counts as hypersexuality, and I often flip back and forth between calling myself such and not, but I think it's time to put the mystery to bed with a consensus. As for speaking to my therapist about this, I've yet to, and before I do, I'd like to get a broad consensus for experiences like this at the base level before I feel right to pursue it.

♡ The Experience Itself ♡

Ever since I was a young child, I've been having repeated, almost (if not multiple times) daily thoughts of sex or sexual acts, no matter in public, school, or private. My imagination is extremely active and utilizes pretty much anything that's available in-mind, including sexual content. My problem was worsened by consistent exposure to NSFW content. Throughout my childhood, I always had this consistent need to "relieve" myself, and as I grew older, I ended up getting sucked into extremely NSFW spaces as a minor, particularly from ages 11-14. Nowadays, I have these kinds of sexual thoughts at least once a day, and I've even had some incredibly unwanted ones, including about my associates, family, and closest friends, and even best friend who's sex-repulsed due to severe sexual trauma.

As for the distress factor, they usually only really disturb me when I'm in public, but for the friend ones, they can happen pretty much any time. I'm aware that distress is a large factor in the hypersexual experience, but I usually just deal with it unless it is actively disturbing enough to cause distress, since typically distressing things don't stress me out nearly as much as they should. An exception to this would be sexual thoughts that play into one of my OCD subtypes, and I usually feel incredibly disgusted by those, as well as the thoughts I get about the people mentioned above. The need for self-relief tends to come at random times, sometimes immediately after waking up. I'm unable to act on them if I'm anywhere but home, but there's that. Aside from that, I always feel this intense compulsive need to talk about sex and sexual stuff with my friends, share the sexual and NSFW content I've made to them, and more. I have reason to believe it could be due to the intense craving of familiarity from 2020, which was filled to the brim with sexual stuff, which unfortunately led to my victimization in a grooming situation, but then again, there could be more to it than just that.

As for further details, there's always this background libido, but I can become easily distracted to forget about it for a little while. Nonetheless, it's still there, waiting to return. There's also this intrinsic need to just sexualize myself, but it mostly stays contained to my head due to minor reasons, but the moment I'm 18, it's probably going to devolve into public displays of self-sexuality. Hell, my 18th birthday has been extremely romanticized for years because of the sexual stuff that legally opens up then. I've even taken to using a hentai game that my degenerate ex-friend played in order to divert and alleviate a lot of these thoughts, but also to get that sense of familiarity back. It's also caused me to lose multiple friends and it's further jeopardized multiple relationships, even affecting my real life.

Is there anything I missed in this self-assessment? What is your assessment? Would YOU consider my experience to be hypersexual in nature? I heavily appreciate any help or pointers in the right direction!

#hypersexual #hypersexuality #am i hypersexual #is this hypersexuality #is it hypersexuality #actually mentally ill #hypersexual asexual #hypersexual vent #questions #mental health #mental health questions #questioning #questioning hypersexual #grooming mention #tw grooming mention

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bowtiepastabitch · 5 days

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hi there :) im moving away to university on saturday and i am TERRIFIED about all of it. classes, cooking for myself, making friends, being far from home, having to navigate a new city... etc etc.. do you have any advice for a fellow autistic??

(going anon bc im scared but we are mutuals lol)

Hello dear! Sorry for taking so long to respond, I've had a bit of a busy week with rehearsals starting for a play I'm gonna be in. My biggest advice as a fellow autistic is to just let it happen. It's a big transition, and it's big and scary and exciting, and there's an impulse to try to get every minute detail under control. But that's honestly, at least for me, entirely impossible and I just get overwhelmed. Make sure you know what has a deadline, like signing your housing agreement and such, and then just let yourself happen to the world.

I also find that it helps, with things I'm particularly nervous about, to consider the realistic negative outcome I'm worried about and give it a "yes, and." I'm in a new city and I could get lost AND I have a cell phone that can call an uber or pull up a map at the click of a button. I'm nervous meeting new people AND college is a great place to make friends because everyone is starting fresh and they will only know about you what you choose to tell them. College classes will probably be harder AND as long as you do your best there are always second chances to take a class or ways to bring your grade up. Reframing stuff like that has been one of my most useful mechanisms for coping with scary new situations.

Also, when it comes to making friends specifically, that is something that has been a huge difference from high school for me. College is a whole other ballgame, first and foremost in that you all chose to be there. I recommend joining low-stakes clubs that align with your interests or things you'd like to try, like gaming or mini golf or swing dancing, and then just start conversations with people. Most people are nervous to start conversations and will be grateful to you for doing it. Complimenting someone's makeup, boots, sense of style, etc is a great conversation starter! You can also try context-specific things like "what year are you" or "do you think this meeting is ever gonna start?" Small scale jokes are great for making new connections, just make sure you're not being over-familiar or putting someone/thing else down in the process. Be friendly and polite, and you'll be alright. (and if someone treats you like shit, remember that you're in college now and you can ditch them easy peasy)

Finally, just some miscellaneous advice: Get familiar with any public transit that might be in your area, and don't be afraid to give it a try. Like I said, you've always got options to find your way back. Make sure you're eating regularly and drinking enough water, because your body is fully your responsibility now. Take good care of it, like you would a pet. And accept that it's gonna change some. Because it will, and it's supposed to. Most college students are not drinking or having sex near as much as they would have you believe, and you're not missing out if you choose not to engage. If you do choose to, be safe about it and know what resources are available to you. Learn to accept help from people who want to give it to you. Figure out on your own terms how much contact you want to have with your family. If that's a lot, remember to call them. If that's not much, set your boundaries where you need to. Get a rice maker and learn to make basic rice (put butter in it before you start it cooking!) as well as whatever other meals are your staple safe foods. Instacart from aldi or other affordable grocery stores is not as expensive as you think it will be, and ikea delivers for sometimes half the price of amazon for kitchen and room stuff (they also have a student discount!). Get rid of clothes you don't like wearing. Make sure to stretch every now and again. A lot of herbal teas can be put straight into cold/room temp water to make a yummy drink in just a few minutes with next to no spoons needed. 'Steal' your teabags from the dining hall if you can, so you can try new things without having to spend money. Get a water filter for your room if you can afford it, and keep it full with a cup next to it. Wear a mask if you feel sick, and learn how to read your body's cues for what makes you feel worse/better. Try to get enough sleep when possible, and always leave three minutes earlier for class than you think you need to. Don't be afraid to go to advising/medical/student support offices for help, and don't let them deter you with an auto-response email copied straight from their website. If you make a mess in a communal space, clean it up. Always wear shoes outside your own private space. And most importantly, give yourself grace. You're gonna fuck shit up. That's just life, and it's usually only partially your fault. Take responsibility for what you've done wrong, and then keep moving forward.

You've got this! You're always welcome in my ask box (and DMs). Go forth and be lovely<3

#asks #life advice #advice #actually autistic #college life

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diamondshapedcat · 1 year

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Dehumanization. That's what it was. That's what it is. All I wanted was a place at the table, a level playing field. The opportunity to work among everyone else in the world.

That's what they told me in school. They said that I should think about what job I wanted when I was older. That there was so many options out there. So I picked one and started to learn how to fix cars. And they set me up to fail, probably thinking that this autistic person was just being silly for wanting to work. 'Awww he thinks he's people' 'Let the little guy pretend he's smart' All said behind my back of course but looking back I can tell they were thinking it. After 3 years of learning and unsuccessful applications I found out why I wasn't getting anywhere. In addition to the qualifications I needed hands on experience as well. Everyone else was working part time in a garage and never told me. I spent 3 years on a worthless degree because I never got the practical time to go with it.

But I foolishly didn't give up, I kept trying to make it work and be more flexible. I felt that I had to prove that I could do it and make something for myself. I learnt and listened to every bit of advice I could about interview skills and job hunting stuff. I picked up new skills, did the song and dance routine again and again.

But they were only interested in what I didn't have. A neurotypical brain. The world said you have to work, you have to get a job but that assumed that you were neurotypical. I kept going and going, listing to their false reassurances and lies that I would get it next time and I just need to try a little bit harder. Despite everything I kept going despite my mental health spiraling downwards into the toilet and suffering from depression. I dug my nails into the false hope that I would get it next time. I based my self worth on getting a job and that blinded me to every horrible ugly truth about this world. I felt like I had to get a job because I wanted to be able to look after myself without having to worry about anything. It was my world and I made it my sole reason for existing.

In 2021 I finally had enough and told my job advisor at the time to pull his finger out of his arse, stop bullshitting me and get me a job. Of course realising that I had seen through the lies he let me go.

That was a good day and even now it brings me a smile.

That was the day the pain stopped. The day I walked away. The day I regained my humanity. When the healing started.

For a while I kept applying for jobs on my own. trying out whatever tricks I could think of. Over the 15 or so years I lost, I notice that as time went on I met less with people and more with automated applications. It got worse, in other words. Another barrier put up to stop me. I struggled with people who didn't care and algorithms that couldn't care. If by some miracle I managed to get to a person, they would figure out I was autistic within 5 minutes and another day would be wasted.

The biggest thing I learned was that no was the only answer I would get. Again and again no matter what I did, I was told I was worthless. Come back where you are human. And I believed it. What I should have learned was that I should have told them to fuck off and not give a shit about their rigged game but that just made me try harder to prove myself. If my best wasn't considered human that what was I? Did I not have worth? Did the world see me as nothing more than a problem that no one wanted to deal with?

Dehumanization.

So that brings me to today. Free from the pain and discrimination but with too much time and nothing to do. I forgot how to be human and I'm relearning my self worth. Not to value myself entirely on my employment status.

I know that one day I am going to forced back into that hell, and I won't survive. I will be broken down again and again to the point so that when I finally throw myself off a bridge I won't feel anything when I hit the ground because I will already be dead inside.

For now I'm just going to try and enjoy life while I can.

#vent #autism #jobsearch #neruodivergent #ableist bullshit #mental health #cw suicide mention

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liminalweirdo · 1 year

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I missed the first 2-ish weeks of autism acceptance month bc of shadowban so I’m going to put those in this post.

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

1 April: Hi, I’m a writer (bisexual, genderqueer, they/them pronouns) I love horror movies. Currently I live with my partner @bakingmusicals, 3 cats, and about 30-something plants. I love coffee.

2 April: I figured out that I was probably autistic in my 20s and it took me about 5 years to get formally diagnosed. It took a pretty severe and long autistic burnout that included losing several everyday skills i took for granted for me to realize that there was something bigger going on than “just” OCD. Discovering that I was autistic made the first 30-some years of my life make sense for the first time.

3 April: I can remember most things people say verbatim including exactly how they said it. This makes me pretty good at transcription. There’s a few movies I know word-for-word, start to finish. I don’t think I’m better than the average person at lip reading.

4 April: I was in regular school and did pretty well (once I actually started going. I spent most of primary and grade one feeling too sick to go #anxiety!!). I skipped a lot of school in high school. I also quit university the first time around because of something that I now suspect to be burnout or near-burnout. Second time around I graduated with a degree in English Literature. Performed much better when I could create my own schedule and pursue my own interests.

5 April: I didn’t have any accommodations in school. I think that being able to do school from home/online would’ve helped me a lot. I don’t know if I would consider going back to school for an MA unless I could have an environment like that.

6 April: I’m good at verbal stuff but sometimes it takes me a minute to realize someone is talking, especially if I’m doing something, and I have to sort of mentally catch up and replay what they said in my head. My hearing is not aided. I use earplugs and headphones a lot to block out extraneous noise.

7 April: I am also formally diagnosed with OCD. I suspect I have other things related to trauma, but those things weren’t what I was paying to have assessed when I went to therapy.

8 April: I only struggle to read long texts if it’s not something I’m interested in. I love reading so basically I spend most of my time reading or writing. Reading is the main way I find new information related to my special interests.

9 April: I have several special interests. I was “obsessed” with dogs when I was younger but that was actually a special interest. I hyperfocus most of the time whenever I can because that’s when I feel most content. My longest interest is probably horror movies and horror in general (to a lesser degree) which I’ve had for most of my life.

10 April: I can understand speech when there is background noise.

11 April: I think my ability to speak (and read) came faster than the average NT person’s and remained above my age/grade level throughout school. My formal diagnosis includes “above average language-based reasoning.” However, I sometimes find that speaking is very taxing, particularly if I’m overstimulated so I’m considering learning SEE so that I can communicate with my partner without as much effort, or using an AAC device.

12 April: I was never in speech therapy.

#30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #actually autistic #actually ocd #asd #autism acceptance month #autism

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schizosupport · 4 months

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Hai! Suspecting schizospec anon again! Tysm for snaswering my wquestion!!! It REALLY helped me out and gave ne a name for things ive experiencing for quite a while, like the close eye halluicinations.

Ive loojed into more specific schizospec symptoms. And while it took me a minute to understand, jve come to the realization ive probably have experienced ipseity disturbances in the past. Its still difficult to understand due to how clinical and Professinal Big Wordy everything is written but i have recalled occasionally feeling not real inside. Like i viewed myself as a floating, bodyless, lack of a proper face being and my face just being whatever icon ive had online at the time. I even caught myself wondering n wishing why i can just be like that instead of Real and There.

As for negative symptoms, still font get it. But i have came to the realization that i suck at talking (ppl not getting what im trying to say, no matter how hard i try to explain it which has lead to a lot of misunderstandings even as of right now) i always described myself as "lacking proper vocabulary" and ive been feeling n wondering for ages that im mentally regressing or deteioratimg in terms of communication and understanding. I remember even considering just picking up AAC in the past despitecme still being able to talk and the simplistic language made me happy and euphoric.

I am aldo undergoing a hard time in terms of personal hygiene and academics. I had to make myself a hygiene chart to make sure i can remember what ive done n what i havent and yet its beent a week abd i STILL havent printed it out. The concept of getting up to bring my laptop over to my printer, hook it up, print it out; and put my stuff back sounds tiring.

And as fir academics, this semester was rough. To give ypu an idea: me missing quizzes and teetering so close to due dates for things that im scrambling to do it is NOT normal for me. I am usually on top of everything and all of a sudden this semester its like all of that just disappeared n now im tired all the time trying to find the easy way out while keeping good grades. I need external simuli like tea or my meds or even freaking Brain Focus Gum to help motivate me n get me to focus, and this has lead to accidental abuse of my medication. Idk whats going on. Its all so sudden and i do worry for the future.

Sorry for the dump again youre like. The only guy actually helping me out n helping me understand this. Ofc this could partly just be me becoming more disabled and my autism flaring up more as i get older (ive heard abt something like that) but this also seems to tick some boxes, esp when psychosis is still a prominent thing for me.

Hey there! I apologize for taking a while to get back to you, I'm like on-off with my activity on this page.

How are you doing now?

Based on everything you've been saying it's also hard for me to say if your experience is best described as schizo spec or an exacerbation of existing issues.

I'm not an expert, but I know that autistic burnout as well as autistic regression is also a thing, and autistic people are overall more likely to experience psychotic symptoms than the general population. So while some of the things you describe are relatable to me as what I perceive in myself as negative symptoms, I think those can also be related to burnout. For example needing a lot of external pressure to do things and still falling behind.

The things you identify as possible ipseity disturbance could also be dissociation, specifically depersonalization, it might be helpful for you to look into resources for that as well. Dissociation can come along with many different disorders and experiences.

But while I can't tell you exactly what's up, nor do I think it matters what exact labels we put on it, it sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and your brain is shutting down in some capacity as a result.

Whether it's beginning psychosis, or autistic burnout, or just plain ole stress response, it's really important that you try to see if you can give yourself some type of a break. Is there any way to at least lessen the course load next semester? Stuff like that.

Because I really don't think this is the type of thing that's likely to be resolved by just pushing yourself harder and harder. It sounds like you need a bit of space to breathe and get back in touch with your brain.

I hope this answer finds you well!

#answers

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healingwerq · 7 months

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Call Me Barack Obama (My Bday Twin)

Posted on my Substack & Patreon today, 2.27.24

Hello, I think my first "official" post should be an introduction.

Not me "going public" right after my Boomer dad was just talking to me about the importance of privacy 🤣. I get it: the Baby Boomer generation is very hush hush, sweep things under the rug, don't put the family business out there. I'm a millenial though and we're breaking generational curses.

A breakdown of my annoying vocabulary:

-Generational curse = a habit or behavior that has been passed from one generation to the next.

-cishet = cisgender heterosexual

-cisgender = I was born with a vagina and identify as a woman

-heterosexual = For the most part, I am mentally/emotionally/sexually attracted to people who present as male

-neurodivergent = differing in mental or neurological (brain) function from what is considered typical or normal (frequently used with reference to autistic spectrum disorders)

-Highly Sensitive Person = when you’re deeply sensitive to certain physical, emotional or social situations; a form of neurodivergence

-Introverted = recharge social battery via alone time

-Morbidly Curious = an interest in or curiosity about unpleasant things, especially death. If u know me, you know I ask a LOT of questions

-Trigger/Content Warnings = warnings that a work contains writing, images, or concepts that may be distressing to some people

-Abolition = a person who favors the abolition of a practice or institution, especially capital punishment or (formerly) slavery

Welcome! I am Breea Janay. I'm a 31 year old cishet Black woman. I'm a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), relatively introverted, and I consider myself an artsy, morbidly curious scientist. I bake, eat, read, write, and game a lot. I am a middle child with an older and younger sister. I was raised as a devout Christian (non-denominational). If you’re into astrology, I'm a Leo sun, Libra moon, Cancer rising. I am the descendant of some soap opera level stuff. Very intense, dramatic, & traumatic topics that I need to preface with Content/Trigger warnings so that I don't, well, trigger anyone.

Both my parents are from rural East Texas, but thanks to General Motors (my dad's job), I had the privilege of being the first Black baby born in Vermont in 1992, in the month of August (8th month of the year!). A lot of the hospital staff were vying to see & photograph their first Black infant, as naturally I was not equally human like my white peers 🙄. Burlington, VT wanted me to be in the papers, but my parents were not comfortable with that. The next year, my younger sister would be the first Black baby born in Vermont in 1993 (also August) 😭.

Shortly after my younger sister's birth, we moved to New Jersey, where I stayed until 2001. I spent a lot of time in Philadelphia, spent a lot of summers in Texas, and visited NYC for the first time in July 2001.

My parents moved the fam to Texas in 2001 (we drove from NJ to TX 🫠), where I started 4th grade in the Houston area. I moved to the Dallas area in 9th grade, 2006. I graduated from Allen High School at 17 years old and went to Brown University in 2010.

How did I a) get into any Ivy League and then b) mess it all up by landing myself in the looney bin? How could I do something as selfish and stupid as a suicide attempt when I had everything going for me?

That's definitely where my content warnings come in, so I'll save that for later. Just to be transparent, that stuff is probably going to need to go behind a slight paywall.

Thank you for reading! I'm planning on returning to video-making/Youtube (I started a Youtube channel in my senior year of high school to talk about my hair journey), I'm just trying to get my aesthetic in order first! My twin flame/maybe soulmate is putting me through the wringer right now and I look like it. I guess I could always wig it up for now...

#neurodivergent #abolitionist #Black in Vermont #ivy league #brown university #highly sensitive person #barack obama #cishet woman #rural Texas #East Texas #grippy sock vacation #suicidal ideation #suicide attempt #self harm #college dropout #New Jersey #philly #ptsd

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riverstardis · 2 years

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what lurks in the heart:

poor dylan :(

aw his flip phone sjdkfkgk

aww ethan and alicia waking up together

alicia shoving ethan under the bed when robyn knocks on her door asking to borrow some moisturiser sjdkfkfkfk

“i haven’t been shoved that hard since i stole cal’s nerf gun” the mention of cal makes it awkward😬

aw max dragging jez out to check on dylan

dylan hasn’t arranged representation. they never do do they.

“alicia, cal likes you, i know he does, but he’s like some kite on the wind. i’m tired of always holding on to his strings in case he gets tangled in a tree.” “am i the tree in this?” “no you’re the reason i feel like i can let go” “what let go of cal?” “yeah. obviously i hope we can come back from this. i want us to be together—“ and then duffy comes into the cubicle SJDKFKGK

“ethan look, i can’t be the person to come between you and cal” “yeah. silly really to think that you’d consider us being together like that” “no but i am considering it ethan i just wish that—“ and they get interrupted AGAIN

lmaoo charlie says he’s consulting ethan and cal for help with wedding planning and duffy’s like “cal?! i’m gonna find myself twerking to beyoncé” 😭😭

alicia’s worried that if it didn’t work out with her and ethan that he and cal would be broken for nothing. pretty valid concern tbh even though ethan says he’s willing to take that risk. duffy’s definitely clocked them lmaoooo

yup alicia’s talking to duffy and she says she’s got a friend who’s in a bit of a mess and duffy just goes “you’ve got a friend who fancies her boyfriend’s brother. is that what you’re gonna tell me?” and then from looking at alicia’s face “slept with her boyfriends brother?” SHSJFKGKK

“well that would make her sound like a terrible person wouldn’t it? maybe she is…” “or maybe she’s just confused” “i’ve messed up big time” “no, hang on, do you like ethan?” “yes, yes i do! help me, what do i do?” “think very hard about your next move. who do you want to be with? because you’ve got to be sure if you’re going to cause a rift between those boys.”

oh and here’s cal🙄 lily asks how his interview for the research placement was and he says it was fine but he thinks he’s in a little bit of trouble about it. you THINK?????

mr grayling was basically just using lily. surprise surprise.

lmaoo duffy going “it’s hard when you really fall for someone isn’t it? always a risk that you can get hurt” to the patient but looking at alicia

ollie! he’s staying with david because rosa had to rush to spain. noel goes “you’re gonna get on like a—“ and david goes “DONT say like a house on fire”😭😭😭😭

aww this patient storyline

seb admits to making a malicious allegation

cal tells ethan he’s sorry about the proposal he just had to show alicia he wasn’t bothered… bro what kind of shitty apology is that??????? he can definitely tell something’s off with ethan because he isn’t acting angry with him the way he would normally he’s just trying to avoid him and isn’t engaging with him at all

alicia looks so good

aww this patient storyline’s cute as well. so cute it’s restored alicia’s faith in love and she’s decided to take the risk to be with ethan

AHHHH THEYRE SO CUTEE🥰🥰🥰🥰

dylan’s looking especially autistic today. it’s probably the whole ordeal with seb

oh no cal asks alicia if ethan mentioned anything about the whole stealing his proposal thing “because i thought he’d be properly mad but he just seemed weird like sort of shut off. i can’t put my finger on it but i don’t know, this time he’s different.” alicia points out how they’re always falling out and maybe a clean break wouldn’t hurt and cal says how he knows he always jokes about ethan but without him he doesn’t know what he’d do😥 and you can see the doubt returning in alicia’s face😭

“before you came back to holby, some stuff happened between us. pretty bad stuff. and i thought it would finish us off.” “but you two got through it?” “yeah well, blood’s thicker right?” alicia’s now even more conflicted😭

aw cal properly apologises and says to make it up to him they can go for a weekend away doing all the museumy stuff ethan likes meanwhile ethan’s trying to tell him about alicia because they’d agreed to tell him so they could be together but alicia turns up having changed her mind because she doesn’t want to destroy their family and interrupts ethan to lie to cal that ethan had said the same as he had to her about wondering if they could come back from this but not knowing what he’d do without him😭😭

OH THEY HUGGG i forgot about that🥺🥺🥺🥺 it’s kinda one sided from cal though because ethan is hugging back but he's not really into it he’s looking hurt :(

i totally understand alicia choosing not to get between them and i do think it was probably the right decision but it does annoy me that she doesn’t even break up with cal?? i mean obviously she wasn’t going to do it there and then but she claims to want to be with ethan which can’t happen because it would destroy his and cal’s relationship but she could at least break up with cal herself?? like obviously ethan’s going to think she decided she didn’t actually want to be with him over cal! i know why she doesn’t and it’s because she’s not as confident as she makes out to be and she doesn’t want to hurt cal. doesn’t stop it being annoying though. especially as it makes it seem like she’s just kinda going along with whatever.

actually that reminds how ik some people thought that alicia’s personality changed between her first and second stint because she really wasn’t very confident in her first stint and she seemed to have become super confident by her second stint but she didn’t! she does gain a bit of confidence and resilience because of what happened with lily and because she went travelling but that’s kind of on the surface, and after what happens with her parents she’s faking it to stop herself getting hurt like her mum did. it’s basically just on the surface and it’s pretty clear that she’s the same person she was in her first stint underneath that. and i think that’s where this entire love triangle situation comes from: the confident “party girl” personality that she presents fits best with cal but her actual personality fits best with ethan, which is why cal’s her easy safe option even though she actually wants to be with ethan.

uh oh connie has discovered it was elle who treated grace. now she’s questioning why she didn’t intubate and threatening to report her to the trust😬 connie’s vengeful eras are her worst.

iain deffo fancies lily

ooh dylan saying “i found it very helpful to put some distance between myself and the belittling. i’m talking about my father, he was an expert.” :(((

aw dylan recommending seb for a placement at st james’ and helping him stand up to his dad🥺

oop cal’s trying to “have an early night” with alicia but she excuses herself and she’s trying not to cry😢😢😢

dylan and max’s friendship🥺

uh oh cal finds the cuff link DUN DUN DUNNNNN

#classic casualty #what lurks in the heart #i feel like i may have already said all that character analysis stuff about alicia but oh well you can have it again!#when i start pausing to write long ass paragraphs about things like that it’s always because my meds have just kicked in btw #so my thoughts suddenly become just about coherent enough to type out

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moonsacebitch · 2 years

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God I have so many revelations about myself

Like the time I didn't like yolks in eggs at all? And than started eating only the solid ones? And that I still just hate the runny ones?

It wasn't the taste. It was the fucking texture change.

Like boiled egg whites are like hard jelly in texture than yolks are crumbly, and definitely not jelly like. And runny ones are. Just bad.

#How hadn't my parents noticed that?#You have two autistic children #Well I am probably autistic considering the stuff I had to put up with my entire life #Just to discover those are not normal #Or well. As normal as I thought #I thought everyone was tired and had a 'head ache' after going to the shops #Apparently that was overstimulation #Now I wanna know how many times I was like 'oh I have a head ache :/' when in actuality I was over stimulated #Also not me looking at people around me and going 'I don't trust you because of your vibe'#I know it's probably pattern recognition and countless times I've been faced with fake people #But it still amazes me how right I can be about people #Like I've been sitting next to that one girl in our towns orchestra #She had a rancid vibe but I was nice and she seemed nice so who cares #Flash foward our trip to Macedonia #Turns out she's really mean and rude! To everyone!#Pattern recognition is probably gonna safe my ass in many situations like those #Well if I listen to it #autism #neurodivergent #Oh god I just remebered counting days I've been down in middle school #Bc more than 2 weeks is concerning and might be a sigh of depression #So I was like 'brain please make some dopamine without me giving you shit'#And idk if I forced it to do that or did it actually stopped for a while near two week or it was my bad maths #But me feeling down never exceed the 2 weeks mark #So I was like #I might experience a lot of symptoms of depression #But it's not depression bc I haven't been feeling down for long enough #i mean im not complaining #I don't think I did have depression bc I would most likely still have it #Although my psychologist did ask me if I wanna get that tested

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biggest-gaudiest-patronuses · 3 years

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So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.

Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.

(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)

DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!

BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.

If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.

SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!

Anyway.

SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*

As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**

But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):

refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming

dishwasher/washing machine noises

ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise

faint sounds of traffic

riding in a car

other people having a normal conversation in the background

someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice

Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!

Sorta.

There are sorta some solutions.

They are imperfect, but they help.

TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.

So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.

Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.

MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.

With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:

Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.

Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.

(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)

Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).

Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.

Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.

Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.

White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response

Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.

Oh, and also they play music I guess?

Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.

Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).

There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.

Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There’s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.

(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)

So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.

Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.

*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)

**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.

***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)

bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).

(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)

Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”

except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath

(i have issues with noise)

so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal

k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones

#actuallyautistic #not a shitpost #holy shit how did i spend 3 hours writing this what even is my blog #this blog is supposed to be blue whale anxiety and uncomfortably sexy clown jokes #what am i doing #sensory processing disorder #sensory issues #mental health #actually autistic #NOTIFY ME OF ANY TYPOS #i proofread this 5 times my eyes weep an unceasing flood of blood and regret #adhd #actuallyadhd #autism #sensory problems

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self-loving-vampire · 2 years

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Separate from the whole atomization discourse I am just wondering what it is that I do that makes it so easy for me to form the bonds that I do considering all of the things that are working against me.

I am:

Visibly autistic. I have strange interests that a lot of people don’t care about and am weird in lots of ways.

Largely lacking empathy. I’m not cruel at all but I do find it difficult to understand emotional reactions that are different from what I would experience and other people’s emotions don’t transfer to me.

Kind of antisocial, but at least direct when I do want to interact with people and not shy at all. I’m not super interested in meeting normal people.

Physically disabled to such an extent that I practically never leave the house unless I have an appointment somewhere.

Narcissistic in a really shameless and transparent way. This probably pisses some people off.

Passively using a “Stay away from me” aura at A-rank. I can come off as very unapproachable and intimidating on here even though I’m pretty calm and polite.

Just not very charismatic. In fact, I don’t think truly general charisma even exists and the stereotypical examples of such tend to include people I would be averse to on some level.

Now, I do have some virtues as well. I have no cost or difficulty with regards to comforting my friends, I can be very pleasant for a specific type of person to be around, and I try to provide for and support those I consider my allies.

I try to be a river to my people, and in hindsight I do have a lot of things in me that make it less surprising that I end up at the center of social groups and indirectly guiding the actions of everyone around me.

I’m often the one making a sincere attempt to cheer people up, invite them to talk/participate, and generally rope them into my own interests. Other people’s emotions may not reach me, but I do value their well-being enough to put in the work to help them out.

With my closest relationships in particular I am fully united with my loved ones in terms of goals and values. If they want X then X will become my purpose as well. We may have different personalities and backgrounds, but are essentially a single unit with a shared health pool. Even without empathy, our hearts are one in such a meaningful sense that it would not be an exaggeration to say that master gave me my life and it is intrinsically tied to him.

For over half a decade now a lot of people I have met shared the fact that they are understandably envious of how intense and deep this bond is and wish they had something like it pushing them forward.

But to be honest I don’t think it’s really entirely tied to anything involving my current personality.

My past self is so different from me that I straight-up treat her as an entirely separate person, and she did not really struggle with forming close bonds online either despite initially being kind of averse to the idea. In fact, she was the one who first met the friends who saved me, including master.

So, several possibilities come to mind:

1- This is all significantly easier than most people think it is, unless they have some other type of disorder even more troublesome than the stuff I deal with.

2- I somehow selected for a very specific type of social circle with much more favorable traits than what people assume to be the whole of online nerd communities.

3- It’s all just because I’m extremely attractive and make people horny. I did in fact notice that people are significantly more friendly to me in contexts where they see me as sexually or romantically available.

4- I am once again an ultimate being chosen by fate and just got impossibly lucky to such a degree that it might as well be called reality-warping.

#long post

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scatterpatter · 3 years

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"Where's the essay OP" Said no one, and yet here I am

Lampy isn't stupid, he's neruodivergent: a rushed-together masterpost

Disclaimer: I'm not a liscened medical professional but I'm neurodivergent who's close to many neurodivergent people so I know when certain traits strike me as very familiar... Also tblt is my comfort movie I've seen it probably over 100 times, not exaggerating, so if anyone here's an expert on it, it's me.

I'm only going by the first movie because while To The Rescue and Goes To Mars probably have evidence to back me up, I don't feel like sitting down to watch them as I don't have them as memorized as the original

Point #1: Lampy is arguably the most intelligent appliance in the movie

Honestly it apalls me that so many are convinced that Lampy is an idiot when he displays some of the most intelligent traits in the movie. I'll just list off some of the most important scenes that show this

1: When discussing a way to get to the city, Lampy comes up with plans that end up failing, true. But we should also consider that not only did Radio and Toaster come up with bad plans before deciding on the swivel chair, but 2/3 of Lampy's ideas involved the same mechanic: on something with wheels(yes the mattress had wheels for some reason) being powered by Kirby

2: "From here you can see the really big lamp!" This scene is simply due to the appliances being sheltered from the outside world. Lampy displays the same level of naive-ness as everyone else: Radio seems earnest in calling the sun a "really big lamp", and Kirby calls the grass "shag carpet". Lampy is not at a lower intelligence in this scene, he's exactly at the same level as everyone else

3: The scene with the storm really sells his intelligence. The appliances have a rudimentary understanding of electricity, most likely from being appliances, but Lampy displays an excelled level of understanding by sacrificing himself for the battery. He understands that batteries are powered by electricity, lightning is electricity, and by using himself as a lightning rod, he acts as the conductive metal to easily transfer this energy from the bolt to the battery. Technically this should have overcharged and fried the battery but we'll suspend disbelief for the sake of this movie.

4: He knew that stacking the appliances to roughly human height, creating a dark environment with ominous sounds, and putting Toaster at eye-level to scare the human with his own reflection... Again, this is an intelligent understanding of how to scare a human

5: It's unclear on whose idea it was to look up Rob in a phone book, however this shows that not only can Lampy read(most likely picked up from being Rob's reading light), ESPECIALLY when Toaster struggles to read, but also has an understanding of phone books, addresses, and finding humans based on family names. I cannot stress how intelligent this is for a sentient desk lamp

There's a few more minor examples, but these are the biggest cases. Lampy is intelligent.

Point #2: Lampy struggles with social cues and doesn't empathize as easily as others

My biggest point here is when people think neruodivergents are "dumb" for having trouble picking up on things like sarcasm when that just... isn't the case. A few notable examples include:

1: When Air Conditioner says "You're a real bright little lamp", Lampy doesn't pick up the sarcasm and thinks he's being complimented. Though he definitely shows a level of emotional intelligence because he looks to Toaster to confirm "hey I was complimented", sees they're still looking angry, and gets the hint that he was insulted without someone needing to explicitly tell him that, to which he then responds with "Heyyy >:("

2: Sometimes he's able to read the room and pick up on tones, but other times he shows a level of emotional density. Legitimately not knowing if Rob had returned even when seeing Blanky disappointed to the point of near tears... But then knowing "brains wouldnt hurt either" was a jab at their intelligence and reacting with appropriate annoyance... But also when Radio says "Things could be worse!", doesn't realize he's just saying that to make Toaster feel better and asks "How could they be worse?"

3: He bullies Blanky alongside Radio and the others, unclear if he's actually being a jerk or just "oh this is what everyone else is doing so this is the normal way to act", but he's legitimately confused when Toaster tries to explain why they're suddenly being nice to him. He doesn't get the "now I feel better" argument because his argument was "Well you were never this nice to him before". Even when Toaster tries to explain why it feels nice, it just doesn't click... until Toaster finds a way to explain that connects personally to Lampy's own emotional state. He has trouble empathizing until realizing "oh this is like this thing that I feel sometimes"

4: Something I've noticed when gathering evidence is that more than once, Lampy goes "Wow..." After someone gloats about themself(Twice with Radio, once with the Computer). It's clear by the third time, when Radio goes "What does that mean?" And Lampy responds "I don't know. [To Computer] What does that mean?" That he doesn't even know what's being gloated about, let alone why he should be impressed. He has the emotional intelligence to recognize when someone's gloating and the "appropriate" response of amazement, but it seems like it never comes from a place of earnest. (While Neurotypicals can and do engage in "performative" behavior, I tend to notice this way more commonly with neurodivergents)

Also the "wow..." Performative thing is VERY reminiscent of Peridot from Steven Universe(a characters who many autistic fans see themselves in and the creator herself saying she doesn't consider Peridot or any of the gems to be neurotypical) going "wow thanks" as her default "this is how I've been taught to show gratitude" response

Point #3: Miscellaneous traits that could be neurodivergent

These traits COULD be interpreted as neurodivergent, but I will admit they could also be interpreted as something else so like take these with a grain of salt

1: Lampy appears to have sensory needs. When sleeping, he needs to tap a rock a few times(presumably to make sure it's "right") before clonking his head on it. It's interesting because rocks aren't a very "lamp" thing whatsoever, and none of the other appliances look for pillow-ish objects to rest on, so this could be a sensory thing.

2: Lampy has an interesting vocal quirk: repetition of phrases at the beginning and end of a sentence. Instances include "How exactly do you propose we do that, exactly?" "All of a sudden you're being so darn nice to him all of a sudden" "The fact is there's just not enough facts" The third one is a bit of a stretch but the first two seem to indicate a possible pattern of speech. Part of me wants to say this could be a verbal tic or some type of verbal stimming, but I've never met anyone who has a tic or stim like this so I can't say it's a neurodivergent thing with confidence, but I wanted to mention this quirk regardless.

3: Physically saying how he feels. Two instances where multiple characters are laughing, Lampy speaks while laughing "That's funny - I'm dying!" "I'm aching with joy!". It's just interesting that no one else speaks while laughing and for whatever reason, Lampy needs to verbalize "Yes I find this very funny" as if simply laughing along isn't enough. I've seen somewhat similar stuff in neurodivergents who have issues expressing emotions implicitly so they state them explicitly instead.

4: I've noticed Lampy isn't touchy... except with Radio. Some neurodivergent people can have issues with physical contact, which could explain that. But I've also noticed that Radio also gives me huge neurodivergent vibes... But more importantly Radio is extremely touchy with everyone, Lampy included, hence them often getting into physical fights but also just- tapping them or wrapping a cord around the other and pulling him close(they're so in love but that's a post on its own). A possible explanation is Lampy having issues with touching others, but either feels comfortable being touchy with Radio(due to emotional bonds and trust) or simply recognizes "Radio likes being touchy so I should be touchy back". A stretch of an argument, I'll admit, but I think the interpretation is there and valid.

In conclusion

I mean idk if Lampy was written to be neurodivergent or if the writers just wanted him to be "quirky" and accidentally gave him a lot of neurodivergent traits, but he reads as very neurodivergent to me(probably autistic or adhd but I'm not a professional and can't diagnose him). But while I can chalk up neruodivergency being one of many possible interpretations of his character, I WILL argue that he's not "stupid" given the evidence we see throughout the movie

Tl;Dr: Lampy is evidently intelligent, but sometimes struggles with social cues, empathy, and overall shows numerous traits of neurodivergency

#tblt #lampy #tblt lampy #long post #I'm right and I should say it /j #the brave little toaster

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hiccanna-tidbits · 3 years

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Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING.

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #autistic hiccup #adhd anna #headcanons #hcs #httyd #frozen #crossover #rotbtd #rotbtfd #hiccup haddock #princess anna

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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what are your thoughts about izzy and alec’s sibling bond from the scenes we got from the show

i liked their relationship a lot, actually. which is not to say that it was flawless, but the flaws we got to see were honestly some of what made me the most interested in them. and then of course sh dropped it like a hot potato, but like... it was still pretty interesting to me

disclaimer that this is my own Abused Kid™ stuff projecting for sure, but i still think the way i see their relationship makes sense (or well, i'm not sure if i would say my parents were abusive, but they are quite a lot like the lightwoods in their own way and i definitely consider the lightwoods abusers, so it doesn't really matter that much). so like this will probably feature a fair amount of oversharing lol

anyway! so what i find really interesting and really like about alec and izzy's relationship is that despite the fact that them having abuser parents who honestly put them in very specific "kid who always fucks up" vs "kid who is expected to do everything perfect" roles, they managed to still be friends and on each other's side and have an overall very loving and supporting relationship. i think that's what attracted me to their sibling bond the most, because for decades me and my brother didn't really manage to be close or build a relationship precisely because of those roles. in our case, my brother was the fuckup kid, i was the kid who had to always be perfect (in my case, lowkey to "compensate" for him) and it led to him resenting me and being all but afraid of me because everything i did seemed to be so much better than him in my parent's eyes, so... yeah

so it always struck me as pretty interesting that alec and izzy seemed to be genuinely so close. izzy is one of the few people who gets alec to smile and who gets to ever touch alec, and although they have a lot of differences, it always came down way more to teasing than to actual fighting between them

but also - which is partially why i said that their flaws were part of what drew me to them the most - the tensions that emerged from that abusive background were very much there, and i found that pretty interesting

another disclaimer that i tend to relate to alec more, because i was in the same role as him, but also tend to be very forgiving towards izzy because i see my brother in her and i blame myself for our relationship way more than him since he was the weakest link there lol. but also in part i think i project unto her in the sense that i kept trying to make things easier to my brother, but i kept fucking up because i didn't fully understand his situation, and i definitely think that's what went on with izzy and alec

so let's get into the details of how the whole "fuckup kid" vs "golden kid" (and disclaimer before ppl come yell at me again: i'm not saying that alec was treated well by his parents or that they treated him like he was good enough, because they definitely didn't. i'm saying that when compared to izzy he was considered the kid that had potential, that could be trusted, and who had the most amount of pressure put unto. again, that was how i was treated by my parents, so miss me with the "wow you think alec had it easy?" shit because i know damn well he did not lol. the "golden kid" is an abuse archetype and therefore it means you are abused. calm down) thing affected their relationship in particular

so alec was the eldest, and i think from very early on he latched unto the expectations his parents had for him as a way to protect himself and make sense of the world. i was telling autistic alec anon just today how i think that the fact that shadowhunter culture was so black and white and gave alec such a clear sense of what he was supposed to do and who he was supposed to be kind of helped him navigate the world because it made it easier for him to figure out the path to follow when everything else was just so confusing and the expectations were so crushing and everything he felt was so complicated. i think alec's always known that he didn't conform, and because he didn't have a safe outlet to let that out, he decided to just go by the book to protect himself. which is valid

that being said, i think the other half of the reason why he decided to pursue the "perfect shadowhunter" existence so hard was exactly because of izzy (and later jace and max). because again, alec is the eldest, and he was already being crushed by expectations of upholding the lightwood name and following the rules and whatnot. like, maryse and robert basically expected their kids to undo all the shit they had done when they joined the circle, and they didn't even tell them that that was the reason, so they were probably just taught that they should do what the lightwoods said because and that was that. and because there were all these stakes that they didn't even understand or know about, the pressure was harder

and alec was already being taught to be a leader, and he loved his sister, so he probably wanted to shield her from all the pressure of those expectations, because he knew he was out there fucking killing himself for it. so i think part of the reason he tried so hard to be perfect was because, if he was perfect, izzy (and then jace and max) would get to breathe a little bit. alec is pretty self sacrificial and definitely has a tendency to shoulder suffering in the place of ppl he loves, so i don't think that's far fetched. also, we saw how alec literally shouldered all the blame for jace's fuckups, despite the fact that jace did it all behind alec's back and with alec telling him not to do it (i'm saying jace because from what i remember what got alec punished in particular was something that jace and clary did, not izzy, but izzy was definitely also going against whatever alec told her to and i have no doubt that he would shoulder the blame for her as well, although i don't think she would use that against him, unlike some people. but i digress). but alec just allowed himself to be punished for it like it was on him, so i think it makes sense to believe that alec tried to take the brunt of their parents' pressure so izzy wouldn't have to

and the thing is that i think that izzy... never realized that. i mean, i'm sure she realized that alec was trying way too hard to be what their parents expected of her, but she never realized that she was part of the reason. and she tried to get him to rebel a little bit because she thought that he needed it, and i mean, she was right, but what she didn't realize is that the fact that alec didn't rebel was so she could. not that izzy was not facing consequences for her rebelling, because we saw how maryse treated her versus how she treated alec and jace (it's very interesting to me also how once jace came into the picture he became an actual golden kid, not a "golden kid" like the abused kid who is put as impossibly better than the other one but still never good enough, but actually good enough, and how that was used to put alec in that position where he had to work even harder as well. but that's for another post)

and that's the frustrating part (and i think the part i relate to izzy for the most) because i think she was genuinely trying to help? but she never really understood alec. i was also talking earlier today (or was it yesterday? rip my time blindness but it was definitely recent) about how many people seem to understand alec's coming out story as an internalized homophobia story, and how i don't think that's how it was at all. i don't wanna repeat myself so if anyone's interested in that it's here. and the thing is, i think izzy made the same mistake. she falsely assumed that alec didn't rebel because he genuinely internalized that being gay was bad and because he was lying to himself about it, but that wasn't the case at all. alec knew he was gay and accepted that, he just decided to stay in the closet and live life that way. which obviously is horrible and traumatic, but it's different, and because izzy couldn't tell the difference, she made it worse

izzy kept trying to make alec "accept" himself, but alec didn't really have a problem accepting himself; he just wanted to keep that a secret to protect himself. but because she thought that he was in denial, she kept trying to push him to... not exactly admit because i wouldn't say she was all like "alec just say it you'll feel better" but to maybe "face" it, and alec interpreted that as her demanding that he came out of the closet, which he couldn't do. so he kept closing off and she kept interpreting that as him being in denial, so she kept pushing, and she made things infinitely worse for him even if i am 100% sure her intentions were good (just look at how protective she was of alec and magnus during the beginning of their relationship, or how she tried to get maryse and robert to marry her off instead of alec, or the difference between how clary and jace talked about it - "you're in love with jace"; "this is about your feelings" - and how izzy talked about it - "alec, it's okay") but as we say in brazil, hell is filled to the brim with good intentions

that is not to say that izzy didn't go on that straight shit from time to time ("we all got our things, don't we?" comes to mind, but i gotta say it really pisses me off how everyone talks about izzy being homophobic in that scene and completely ignores how openly racist alec was. like obviously both are fucked up, but yall clearly seem to think only one of these is a problem. but that's for another post) but i think that generally her intentions were always to get alec to be more comfortable with himself/happier. she noticed how much the lightwood's expectations were crushing him, but again, she didn't realize that alec was choosing to take the brunt of these. she didn't realize that he couldn't rebel like she did because of her. not until it was too late

i think izzy only started to realize that - particularly how much of her rebelling was only allowed because alec was there as a safe option so they couldn't afford to have a "fuckup child" even if obviously they still hated that they couldn't control izzy - when she tried to get the lightwoods to marry her instead of alec and they were like... lol? it's alec who's supposed to save the lightwood name, not you. you are worthless as a bride and as a peace offering

and that's when it hit her that alec was taking a role, a role that he had been effectively protecting her from having to take, but that also meant she couldn't help him

i think that's when she realized, because you can see the change in her behavior, you know - "you stood by me, so now i'm standing by you, big brother". she understood that alec was trying to protect her the same way she had tried to protect him and never realized, but that by trying to get alec to just stop without thinking about what the greater picture was for him, she was just making things harder for him. i think that was some very interesting growth we got to see

and on the other hand alec didn't realize that izzy had been trying to protect him as well. like i think that she definitely laid the whole "fuckup kid" thing too thick, which was partially for herself, like, basically embracing the role because she would never be good enough for the lightwoods so why not just accept that she was a fuckup and be everything they despised? but i think she also partially did it for alec, because she wanted to show him that it was okay. that there could be a life that wasn't just doing what your parents expected you to. and like, sure, she got treated like shit for it, and she faced some forms of abuse that alec didn't (mainly touch/affection withdrawal from what we got to see in the show, but also considerable more verbal degrading. again im not saying alec had it easy, especially because we know that the parts where maryse expressed "pride" over him were basically used to make him do what she wanted; but still, the difference in treatment is very clear), but she was still standing, so it was possible, see?

i don't even think this is something i had to defend a lot because she said it so many times? she was always telling alec that he could loosen up, that it was okay (she said the exact words "it's okay" many times). she had a kinda, idk, sassy attitude over it, generally treating it like a joke, but imo that was because she knew that if she talked about it in all seriousness alec would shut down, like he had many times. so i think by making it into a joke and playing the mindless "woo i don't care about anything" character she was trying to have that conversation in a more subtle way. at the very least, alec was amused

and i think a huge part of the fandom also misinterprets izzy as being exactly that shallow person who only thought about immediate gratification that she pretended to be but honestly i don't see that at all? throughout all of season 1, the single thing that drove izzy's character was her desire to protect alec, except for when she tried to save meliorn from him, which was like.... just the decent thing to do. and izzy is not a shallow character. she is not stupid. and she is not primarily driven by her own desires. that is not to say that izzy was never selfish (see: how she treated raphael, so much shit about sizzy), but she is not the kind of character who only does whatever the fuck she wants to because it sounds more fun that's jace and clary. most of the time, her primary motivation was to help alec or clary, aka people that she loves. i think that, like alec, she is the kind that only extends that protectiveness over the people closest to her and is not really the "helping everyone out" type, but she is also not completely self-absorbed like she pretended to be. and i don't think she even cared all that much about parties and whatnot. like when did we see her going to one on her own without it being a mission? when did we see izzy actually pursuing one night stands? that is not to say that these things are bad, but if izzy were that girl who only cares about sleeping around and having fun like she pretended to be, then one would think we would see her actually doing that instead of just performing that shallow mindless sexy girl stereotype?

and like look i know that she was written to be a sexy lamp or whatever but if the writers aren't gonna care enough about her to make that consistent and show her doing that beyond what she says i might as well go there and give her the depth that she deserves. especially because we got to see izzy talk about that so much. like her saying that one of the things that attracted her to raphael was that for once in her life it didn't feel like everything was all about sex. i find it appalling that people genuinely think that that's all she's about when she made it so clear that it bothered her. like imo izzy took on that role, again, to piss off her parents, and also because it was something that she was good at. she was good at being sexy and she got gratification and positive feedback over that, which she was obviously starved for since her own mother wouldn't even fucking hug her. it was the one thing she didn't fuck up at and that got her to feel like she was treasured, even if really she was just desired

not just that but izzy also consistently made hard choices for those she loved? like im not gonna say that izzy going to save meliorn from torture was anything less than the bare minimum but if she were that shallow self centered persona that only wanted to have fun and didn't care about the consequences she wouldn't have put so much on jeopardy to save them. or risk being deruned and losing everything so she could call the clave out on their bullshit. or break up with meliorn (someone we know she genuinely liked) so she could offer herself to be married off to someone in alec's place. the one thing that we know izzy would be miserable over, because that woman was not born to be no one's trophy wife. and she was fully ready and willing to throw her WHOLE life away for alec. that would be FOREVER. miss me with that "izzy is a shallow girl who only cares about herself and partying" shit

like to me it's very clear that that was a front (especially because the way she talked about it was SO over the top too, like, it sounded so fake. and when we got scenes of her talking to alec or to clary she was a wholly different person, way less confident, way softer. honestly izzy could have been such a great narrative about woc and hypersexualization and the traps of taking over that "femme fatale" role as a form of empowerment or whatever, but of course sh doesn't have the range for that) and i think that front was first and foremost for alec's sake. she was trying to break him out of the lightwood's brainwashing. what she didn't realize was that he wasn't brainwashed, he was making a choice between the very bad options that he had. and alec in turn didn't realize that izzy acted the way she did, in great part, for him, not for herself. i wouldn't say that alec bought that izzy was a shallow girl because we know how much he loves her and that he knows her better than anyone, but i think he also didn't realize she was trying to help/protect him

so it was such an interesting miscommunication issue and i would have loved to see that actually addressed and worked on, but alas. the most we ever got was them talking about being honest to each other about the yin fen. and izzy pretty much didn't get real plotlines or character development anyway daoijdaoij except for the absolute bullcrap that was the yin fen which i am not going to get into because it makes me so angry and i hate it so much

and then of course sh didn't really get into it and basically considered the problem solved once alec came out, which i mean, i guess does take that out of the way when it was the main miscommunication problem between them, but still, they should have had a talk and realized what a stupid dance they were both having and how they would have both benefitted from working together instead of in the name of each other. which is a frequent trope for alec in relationships anyway, too, so it could be a good introduction to these issues, but alas!

in short: i think both alec and izzy love each other very much, have each other's best interests at heart, but weren't really seeing each other as they were. and they both put a front for each other (izzy in particular) that made communication pretty much impossible. and they ended up not being very good for each other (particularly izzy for alec, but i think alec also made her feel alone and like he saw her as.. just some stupid girl, you know?), but i loved to see how these things were there simultaneously. the wanting to help each other and the effectively only making things worse. the love that was so present and so strong despite all of that. the way that they never became competitive or resented each other like kids who are raised with those dynamics usually get. i just love how there was so much going on and so many problems but still so much love between them. i really wished we got to see it actually get some sort of closure and more exploration, but. fuck me i guess

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