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ladykailitha · 1 year

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Little Runaway Part 3

Part 1 Part 2

Steve was still asleep when Eddie got home. Or at least back to sleep. He sat down on the bed next to him and gently shook his shoulder.

“Hey man, wake up,” he said. “You need to eat too.”

Steve stirred and looked up at him bleary eyed. “What time is it?”

“After eight.”

Steve struggled to sit up as he rubbed his eyes. “AM?”

“PM,” Eddie replied.

Steve bolted upright. “The fuck?”

“Did you not wake up before now?” Eddie frowned. “You must have been running on empty to sleep that long.”

Steve buried his head in hands. “I’ve just been napping when I can because I can’t have a cop or someone I know spotting me and it getting back to my dad.”

“Come on,” he said. “Food first. And then you are going to tell me everything if you want to stay one more night. Because there is something you aren’t telling me. Because your dad is hunting you. And those ribs tell me a story that’s deeper than you two got into it.”

Steve ran his fingers over his mouth and gasped. “Yeah. I owe that much.”

Eddie helped him to his feet and was pleased to note that Steve barely winced.

Steve sat on the sofa while Eddie cooked them up something to eat. Eddie brought another bowl of Spaghetti-Os and handed it to him. They ate in silence.

Once Eddie had set the bowls in the sink, he stood in front of Steve and folded his arms.

“All right, Harrington, talk.”

“My parents are never home,” Steve began. “Like ever. It’s how I got away with all the parties and the booze and weed. Not like my dad cared. Even if there was no sign of any of that in the house, I would still get accused of the worst shit imaginable. The things kids say about you in the halls at school? Ain’t got nothing on what my dad says to my face. Usually with a belt. But sometimes his fists.”

“Holy shit, how do people not notice?” Eddie asked. “You take showers after PE and practices for swim and basketball? How the hell did no one notice?”

Steve barked out a bitter laugh. “No one cared, man. Boys will be boys. And like I said he wasn’t home a lot. So the beatings were far enough apart no one made the connection that I would only get bruised up when my parents were home.”

“That’s messed up, Steve,” Eddie said.

He shrugged. “Anyway so he comes home and he finds this magazine that one of the kids left over. On D&D. And he starts flipping out about Satanic panic and how I was going to burn in hell.”

“You don’t play D&D,” Eddie pointed out dumbly, trying to make sense of it all.

“Nope. Even pointed out that the name and address on the magazine weren’t mine,” Steve said, scoffing. “But he wasn’t having it. As usual.”

“And he started hitting you over that?” Eddie asked.

“Ah, well...” Steve said. “You see I may have told him that if I was going to hell for anything, it’s wasn’t going to be for D&D.”

Eddie’s jaw dropped. “What did you tell him?”

Steve licked his lips and bit the bottom one. “I may have told him that I liked boys.”

Eddie’s eyes went wide and he leaned forward a little. “Come again?”

Steve looked down at his clenched hands. “It wasn’t my proudest moment.”

“Is it true?” Eddie slammed a hand over his mouth. “Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

Steve shook his head. “Nah, man. It’s fine. And yeah, it’s true. So anyway, he pushed me, I broke his nose, he beat the shit of me, I managed to crawl away while he was looking for his belt.”

“He wasn’t wearing one?” Eddie asked. Stupid questions were just becoming his forte today.

“He had been exercising or something because he was in sweats,” Steve said with a shrug. “Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he wasn’t wearing it. And my mom convinced him to go the doctor for his nose. While they were gone, I packed up all my things and piled it all in my car and ran away.”

“Holy fuck,” Eddie said sitting down next to Steve on the sofa. “But that doesn’t explain why he’s still looking for you a week later. I get trying to come for a couple days after but still, after a week?”

Steve got up and grabbed his bag. He brought it back over to the sofa. He opened it up and dumped the contents on the floor. Eddie frowned and picked up one of the photos.

“What’s all this?” Eddie asked.

“All the evidence my mom has compiled over the years about my dad’s many affairs.”

“And he wants this back?”

“Yup!” Steve said. He began shoving the pictures back in his bag when the door to the trailer banged open.

“Wayne!” Eddie exclaimed surprised. “I thought you weren’t coming back until Monday.”

Wayne huffed. “We got rained out. From the moment we got there it started and refused to stop. So we packed up and headed home.”

Eddie was on his feet, trying to come up with a reason Steve Harrington was on their sofa, but all he could do was move his mouth up and down.

“Who we got here?” Wayne asked.

Steve looked up and Wayne gasped. He turned to Eddie. “What did I tell you about picking up strays and bringing them home?”

Eddie scoffed. “This one was dropped off on the doorstep.”

Steve kept looking back and forth between them like a fucking tennis match.

“Who did that to your face, son?” Wayne asked, turning to Steve.

“Well, Mr Munson, as I was telling your nephew, my dad took a disliking to it when I came out as liking men,” Steve murmured.

“You like Eddie then, gay?” Wayne asked, jutting his head toward his nephew.

Steve looked up at Eddie in shock.

“What you think your friends were just tossing that around for fun?” Eddie bit out.

Steve shrugged. “I did.”

“Was that before or after you realized you liked guys?” Eddie snapped.

“Hey! I didn’t say that it was right,” Steve bit out. “I just said that I’ve used it as insult before. And yeah it was after. Yeah, I know that makes me a hypocrite or whatever. But I’ve been through shit you don’t even know and I have tried to be a better person. But whatever you may think, I didn’t deserve this!” He pointed at his eye.

“Whoa, whoa,” Wayne said. “Everyone just calm down. I didn’t mean to out ya, Eddie. I thought he knew with him being here and all.”

Eddie and Steve looked down at the floor and then at each other guiltily.

“Let’s just take it one step at a time,” Wayne said. He pulled up a chair sat down in front of them. Eddie sat down next to Steve.

Eddie tried to ignore the butterflies when Steve murmured his apologies.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, too,” he said.

“Great,” Wayne said. “Now that we have the apologies out of the way. Are you gay?”

Steve shook his head. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. But, um...I’ve known for a while what I was.”

“So how did Clint find out?” Wayne asked.

Steve frowned. He rarely heard anyone call his dad anything but Mr Harrington. “We had an argument where he said was going to hell for playing D&D and I told him that I wouldn’t because I don’t play.”

“But that you’d go to hell for liking boys?” Wayne supposed.

“Yes, sir,” Steve said.

“And you’re lying low here, why?”

Steve explained everything a second time and how he was on the run because he had something his dad wanted back.

“I’ll be taking that,” Wayne said, reaching his hand out for the bag.

“But, sir…” Steve said.

“I’ll keep it safe for you, in case you run into him again, you can honestly say you don’t have it anymore.”

The tension in Steve’s shoulders melted as he handed it over to him.

“Who knows you’re here?” Wayne asked.

“Just you two and Dustin Henderson,” Steve muttered.

“Good,” Wayne said. “I’m going to add just one more person, if that’s okay with you.”

Steve looked petrified. “I don’t know about that, sir. I don’t want anyone getting hurt if my dad comes after them.”

Eddie’s heart clenched. Okay, maybe Steve had changed. His first worry was someone else getting hurt. The Steve he knew would have thrown them under the bus if meant he got out of trouble.

“I’m pretty sure Jim Hopper can take care of himself,” Wayne said with a wink.

Steve visibly relaxed again. “Yeah, okay. But maybe have us meet elsewhere. I‒”

“You worried about your dad following you back here?” Eddie asked.

Steve looked down at his hands. “Maybe I should just go.”

“Go where, son?” Wayne asked.

“I don’t know,” Steve whined, “but I don’t want people getting hurt, not for me, not because I’m coward.”

Wayne and Eddie looked over at each other and come to a silent agreement. Steve was staying with them permanently.

“Running away from a bigger threat that you can’t beat isn’t cowardice,” Wayne said gently. “It’s smart.”

“You wouldn’t throw a level one character at a challenge rated monster of 10,” Eddie said, agreeing.

“I don’t know what you just said,” Steve said helplessly.

“Challenge rating is how badass the monster is. The higher the number the deadlier it is. And is based on a party of four adventurers. So what I’m saying is one level one dude is going get punted by a CR 10.”

“Bad?” Steve asked, not quite sure he got the reference.

“Very bad,” Eddie confirmed. “So we’re going to form a party. So far you’ve got me and Wayne, and if Hopper is cool, him, too. You’ve got people who are willing to go to bat for you, let them.”

“But you don’t know me,” Steve said, voice cracking from the emotion.

“No,” Wayne agreed. “But I know Clint and I can tell from just five minutes with ya that you aren’t anything like him.”

Steve shook his head.

“Boy, you just tried to protect two fully grown men twice your age without a second thought,” Wayne growled. “Clint would have thrown us under the bus and found a way to make himself out to be the martyr.”

“Besides,” Eddie said, bumping Steve’s shoulder, “Dustin loves you and he would kick my ass if I let anything happen to you.”

Steve laughed. “Yeah, okay. But only because I don’t want to see you get your ass kicked by a fifteen year old.”

Wayne laughed. “I’m going to have to meet this Dustin kid.”

Eddie blushed.

Steve stared at the blush with open mouthed wonder and Wayne just shook his head.

Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Epilogue

Tag List: @homohomohoe

#My writing #stranger things #steddie #gay steve harrington #abuse tw #ladykailtiha writes

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scretladyspider · 5 months

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please don’t scroll; I really need your help to reach my gofundme goal of $3500 and not become homeless.

Im Elle, a queer, ace, disabled person with ADHD, depression, and two cats. In November, I lost my job without warning. I have no savings as the job already had me living to the last dollar of every paycheck. I was denied unemployment and food stamps. I cannot work away from home, a physical job, or something with strict hours due to some yet-to-be-diagnosed illness.

this is my story — what’s going on & how I got here. (Smaller text used because it’s a lot of information/a long post.)

In early 2018, I was doing regular walk/runs. In 2019, I stopped being able to run, so I went on walks. Running took hours, then days, to recover from. My body couldn’t produce energy to do it consistently, so, walks. In 2020, I kept going on walks and tried to do aerobics. I was not able to keep doing aerobics. My body took hours upon hours to recover, where before it hadn’t, I was alone for almost all of 2020, and never developed COVID symptoms; it was what happened with running all over again. In 2021, it started to take more time to recover from walks. Then I started to need to take a nap immediately after I clocked out from work— and it was a work from home job. In 2022, I began to go from my sitting desk job straight to my bed most days, laying down exhausted right after work, even sleeping through lunch to get some rest.

On New Year's Eve 2023, I spent 30 minutes cleaning, including vacuuming my living room. I had to rest the rest of the day.

In the last five years, I've gone from running to being exhausted for hours by taking my garbage to the curb.

Imagine you were someone who enjoyed recreational exercise. Now imagine doing 1/100th of that and feeling sick for days. Thats me.

There are other symptoms also. More vulnerability to infection and more trouble fighting infection. Shooting, sharp muscle pains in large muscles such as the thigh or forearm, like a pinched nerve, that come and go at random. Pulse rate that skyrockets upon standing, to go back to normal soon after. Stomach inflammation. Inflammation without major swelling. Headaches. Complete inability to tolerate heat, leading to excruciating migraines that only go away with things like cold showers, electrolytes, and hours of rest in the dark with ice. Muscles that literally don't feel like they're getting oxygen. Random rashes. Face flushing. Being much more easily out of breath, yawning over and over, like I can't get air correctly. Weight gain, no matter what I eat or don't eat.

And just being so, so tired.

In summer of 2018, something… stopped working in my body. I felt sick all the time. I had a low, unexplainable fever nearly every day. Shooting nerve pain would wake me up at night. The doctor said I had a cold. But months went by and I didn’t get better. When my blood work and thyroid hormone level was normal, I was referred to a rheumatologist.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after he made me wait 45 minutes, came in and asked “are you tired?", poked me hard, said I was tender, and left without running tests. This sort of “uhm the standard blood work came back normal, have you tried exercising more? I know you’re here because your body can’t recover from it but have you tried more of that? Also going to sleep at night?” has been the response over and over and over for five years. It got to the point where I even started to wonder if I was somehow making it up. I see a psych nurse. She thinks there's more than just depression, ADHD, and other things - though we both agree that managing those is vital too. She used to be a cardiologist, so this is reassuring. But when I have tried to see other doctors, it goes differently. Most of the time they see I have ADHD, a long history of depression, and hypermobile joints, and say that explains everything. I can't count how many times I've been told "well, you have depression” when the labs, if they even agreed to run them, came back normal. My standard blood work sometimes comes back with anemia, but I take an iron supplement. No improvement had come of it. I’ve had my thyroid hormone levels tested over and over, but never the antibodies. No imaging or referrals have happened, outside of one to a second rheumatologist. He ran no tests either; he just saw my joints are hypermobile and I was “sure taking a lot of mental health medications” (two at the time), and… that was that.

I had given up on actually even getting help until my SIL recommended a doctor she knew. For the first time in five years, when the standard blood work and TSH tests were normal, she told me we would keep looking. I actually cried with relief at that. It’s amazing to be believed after all this time.

Because of …. All of this, I'm trying to figure out how to either work for myself or find a work from home job that has flexible hours I can choose. I literally wouldn't be able to work a retail gig where I have to stand for eight hours, or even a 9-5 where I have to be there for those exact hours, because my body cannot do that right now. I want to get better but it's a long way off. First I need to know what's even wrong. I'm praying for a diagnosis soon. And treatment. At the least, management.

I have heard of EDS and I have been evaluated. I apparently don’t meet enough criteria, hence the diagnosis of JHS instead. It’s in the same family. I have also heard of POTS. I am pursuing testing. Same with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, MCAS, fibromyalgia… yeah. The thing is nothing outside of the standard blood count and thyroid hormone level test, no other lab tests have been done. There are so many things this could be that have never been checked. Lyme disease, for example, is extremely common where I live (it’s actually just extremely common worldwide) and matches much of my experience, but 1) in the USA the initial Lyme test relies on a strain of bacteria cultured in the 80s 2) there are over 100 strains of Lyme disease in the USA 3) in spite of decades of research there are doctors who don’t believe chronic Lyme exists 4) no doctor has ever checked and I only recently learned anything about it so I never asked. But… there are a lot of things to check that I’ve never had checked is my point. Fingers crossed someone can help me get there.

I do not have a partner who can try to support me through this, and my family already supports me however they can. My severance (which was low as I found out I was being paid much less than the rest of the team later) paid only my January rent.

Since my ability to work is severely limited right now, and I've been denied unemployment and food stamps, and I would need a diagnosis and to be awarded disability benefits in court (which can take YEARS that I don’t have), I have nothing in savings because of years of underpaying jobs the cost of living and being disabled and going through prior periods of unemployment due to this and other factors, I am left in a tough spot without help. Without this help, this gofundme... I have nothing.

So... here I am. A queer nonbinary disabled neurodivergent writer, trying my best, living with some undiagnosed illness that's severely impacted my ability to function, who got fired without real reasons (in America they can just do that to you without even telling you why), asking for your help to pay my February rent and January bills so I don’t repeat the trauma of being homeless. Or for you to reblog this.

Thank you for reading all of this.

It’s been on my chest for a long time. Even if it wasn’t for the gofundme, it feels good to talk about and be honest about my health. It reminds me you’re not supposed to feel like this all the time when I tell other people and they tell me I should get help and deserve answers. It’s reassuring to see competent doctors who finally believe me. I hope we figure it out.

no donation is too small— they add up. If just 100 people gave $35, the goal would be met. Sharing is also giving— it means someone who can help is more likely to see it.

You can also help via my venmo — secretladyspider

CashApp — secretladyspider

or find PayPal in my tip jar in my linktree

Goal is $3500 or over. Funds needed ASAP. If it goes over, that’ll help with February.

Thank you for anything and everything.

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itsrecoverytimebitch-blog · 7 months

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Ridiculously long post of depression tips

In the words from some of my favorite books, people and games:

"Road to recovery is a long one, but you will make it." - Volition from Disco Elysium

"Be selfish. Be brave." - Babel

"You can and you will make it." - Someone I know

This will be a ridiculously long post as I'm trying to put everything I know/have learnt over the years on it, so might break it into parts if need be. I'm not a doctor, but fellow survivor and this is what I've found useful. Take what you need from the post. WE GOT THIS!

Basic self care

Crucial. Important. In some cases, life or death.

I will include the obvious tips and some random specific ones.

Sleep

It literally heals your mind when got right. Some things to make it happen:

Go to bed and wake up at the same time. Even if insomnia keeps you awake, stay consistent with the bed times.

Give yourself ridiculous amount of time for the rest. When I'm bad and in recovery, I start prepping for sleep at 8pm. People will not mind, they might be a bit surprised at first, but it's not really their business.

Be firm with yourself about technology before bed. I strive for putting my mobile off for the night, and only look at it AFTER I've had my morning coffee.

Really long walk and some kind of sleepy tea of your choice is an EXCELLENT combo for good rest.

Sleep is also tied to other basic self care, so you need to be doing all of it - but good news, more you do the easier it gets because you get better.

If you fuck up any of these points - say, stay until 3pm on your phone looking at memes - don't beat yourself up (even if that's the natural thing you'll want to do when you're suffering from depression), but don't give in either, thinking that letting yourself KEEP doing this is self care and being merciful on yourself. No. If you fuck up, it is okay and human, but KEEP AT IT. Think of all the process you've made so far despite the fuck up. Keep going. Don't let yourself get discouraged by one or few fuck ups, but make it a top priority to get back on track. You will make it. You deserve a good life and sleep will definitely help.

Food

Making food while depressed is exhausting. You need to choose the ingredients, buy them, then make the food. And your depression might tell you lies, such as what's the point and I don't deserve to eat well. But they are lies! You do deserve it. It is important to do this right to not get into financial ruin, and keep a healthy diet. This is tricky, but you can get there. Some tips:

When you're doing a little better, prepare a LOT of food, and then freeze a lot of it. Little gift for the future self who is struggling.

Keep a lot of easy good snacks around. Include fruit. Eat when hungry.

Speaking of fruit, have some at the house and eat often.

Include protein in your food. However, if you really are struggling and there's nothing but pasta in the house and you're starving, eat the damn pasta.

Accumulate a lot of simple recipes you can make quickly. Tomato pasta with some protein is a good one, especially with some Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese.

Making food can be helpful for depression, although when the worst is on it's very hard. But if you're a little better, it can even be therapeutic to focus on it. Try making something that takes a while, like pizza.

When you're getting even more better ('cause you will!) offering food to others is good for mental health for secret reasons. But if the thought exhausts you as you read this don't worry about this for now.

If you excercise, horde some protein snacks you can eat immediately.

Congratulate yourself for keeping up with this, and every time you've gone through the day with a good healthy diet. It is not easy.

Similarly to sleep, if you stray off course, know this is natural, change is hard, don't beat yourself up, but get back on track. I believe in you.

Exercise

Did someone say "extra fries"? Boomer minion memes aside, this is another really really good thing to do. Get this: You can literally force your body to create endorphins, even when you're mind is in the mud. It also helps with both appetite and sleep, and self-esteem. It also can help you find an outlet, and it helps focus yourself on the present. And it is such a concrete way of fighting an illness which feels so not-concrete. Some tips:

Make plans with people or find a workout buddy. The peer pressure is an excellent way to motivate yourself even if your mind makes bullshit excuses. It may feel intimidating to ask someone but I promise a lot of people want to get into working out but find it hard to motivate themselves too, so you really are also helping them at the same time too. Societies or groups are also good, as long as you go each time.

Think of working out as a fight against your depression. Because it is. Think of your depression being this big Dark Souls boss fight. (gif below for anyone not familiar.) You are struggling, but you are fighting against it, and you're a survivor, and you're badass af for keeping on fighting.

BTW above gif: that's you drinking some estus flask (water) before you tackle again the task of fighting your depression by working out because that is how badass you are.

Do the workout, no matter what your mind tells you.

The kind of workout that raises heart rate is really good.

Long walks are also REALLY good. I don't know what it is about them, but they are magical. You might find cats on the street or cool birds too.

Yoga is also good. The YouTube channel Yoga by Adriene is very good, she's so gentle.

Remember that after any kind of work out congratulate yourself and remember you are a fighter and you've just taken even more steps to battle against this thing, it's not easy and you've done it and you should be beyond proud.

That's it for this post but I will reblog this with more tips in the future so stay tuned folks. I will cover at least things like people, hobbies, therapy, values and goals and staying organized, but I'll add more if I think more.

I've struggled with this for a long time but I can and will make it towards being better and so will you.

#depression recovery #recovery #depression tips #depression recovery tips #mental health #mental health recovery #basic self care #mental health tips

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soft-teddybear · 2 years

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ateez - when their s/o gets sick

genre: fluff with a bit of comfort.

cw: none that I’m aware.

summary: what ateez would do to try and help when their s/o gets sick, no illnes in specific.

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction made for entertainment and form my point of view with no intention of being rude.

members under the cut.

seonghwa goes into full mom mode, takes care of absolutely everything, from taking you to the doctor, to buying your medicine and making sure you take it on time and that you eat and rest a lot. makes time to go and see you every day until you’re fully recovered. takes some time to help you with your laundry and dishes because he knows you like your stuff clean but you’re too tired to do it yourself, he just wants to help and make you as comfy as possible to help you recover.

hongjoong wants to help you but thinks he might not do it right so he just waits for you to ask for anything and he’ll do his best. moves his work space to your place to not fall behind work but be able to keep an eye on you and help if you ever need anything. orders your favourite food because he wants you to have warm meals but doesn’t trust his cooking abilities, literally thinks it’ll make you feel worst.

yunho really wants to help but he’s not used to it so instead he becomes your emotional support. cheers you up if he sees you’re feeling down, sings to you to help you fall asleep, cuddles with you to make sure you’re comfy and that you don’t have to make more effort than what it’s strictly needed. offer himself for everything that needs to be done because he wants to treat you like royalty until you feel better and after that.

yeosang has no idea of how to help so he goes to your place to cheer you up and keep you company. makes you tea because is the only thing he trust himself on how to cook and some fruit and snacks because he wants you well feed nevertheless. wants you to rest but also convince you to take a walk with him, only if you’re feeling well enough, if not he’ll make sure you’re comfy in bed.

san borrows you clothes because he wants you to feel comfy, reminds you to take your medicine on time. lets you rest if that’s what you want but if you’re in the mood to make something he helps you. play games? he’ll play with you. cooking something? he’ll be by your side to make sure you don’t get hurt. tired after that and in need of a nap? he’ll cuddle you to sleep, rubbing your back to help you relax and he will wake you up in time for your medicine.

mingi tries to not panic and fails. he really wants to help but isn’t sure on how to do it so he keeps you company. talks to you to distract you, caresses your hair to help you relax and sleep feeling safe and comforted in his big arms. helps in literally everything you ask for, even if it’s something he’s not sure how to do it, in that case he’ll call someone to help him help you but it’ll get done because he wants you to feel better.

wooyoung makes every single recipe he thinks can help you and makes sure you’re eating it because he thinks it’s the best way to feel better soon. aside of that, his help consist in teasing you to make you smile put your comfort show on your tv to keep you company while he’s away cooking or working, calls you if he’s away for too long and makes sure you have enough food, water and medicine. doesn’t lets you have too many snacks unless you’ve eaten.

jongho keeps you calm, ask his mom for advice and then goes to your place to help you get everything in order: your medicine and water on your bed side table, warm meals every time you ask for them. helps you clean, cook and move around your house because he says staying in bed all day will only make you feel worst, which it’s true but you’re too sick yo think of exercise. goes at night but tells you to call him if you need anything.

n/a: shorter than usual but I’m in uni finals and this is my way of take out stress.

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lastoneout · 1 month

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It really is wild to tell a doctor to their face that I have tried to "push myself" to regain my mobility and it put me on bedrest for like three fucking months only for them to be like "well have you tried pushing yourself to regain your mobility??" like bro going on a 15 minute slow-ass walk around my neighborhood once a day for a month took away what was left of my mobility for THREE months and my knee STILL hurts more now than it did before. Pushing myself lead to me permanently making my pain worse, not better.

I also wasn't kidding about the cooking thing, I broke down about not being able to cook because I love cooking so much and eating take out and boxed/frozen food all the time SUCKS so my fiancé helped me make just spaghetti one night, just sauce, cheese, and noodles, it took 45 minutes, I was wearing my knee brace, and I sat down as much as possible, and I was in so much pain by the end that I could barely stand. How do I "push myself" in this situation?? I can't even make a basic dinner for myself and my fiancé without having to give up doing anything else including showering and giving my cat her meds and shit like that for the entire rest of the day. How do I push from here??

Like I just genuinely don't know how you can hear all that and then say to my face that continually injuring myself in this way is going to yield positive results. Every time I have pushed I have limited my mobility further. My PT even TOLD me I shouldn't reach the point of being in actual pain while exercising, if I'm hurting really bad I need to stop so I don't injure myself. How does my PT know that when my fucking rhumatologist doesn't??? How does it not make sense for me even just stay mobile until I hit my limit and then use the wheelchair so hitting my limit doesn't mean "not being able to do anything for the next two days"?????

It's like they think I just started hurting and fucking gave up immediately. I was forced to quit my job THAT I LOVED SO MUCH because even when I hit the point where I could barely walk or sit without pain I didn't want to give it up, I kept pushing myself until my fiancé would have to practically carry my ass to the car at the end of my shifts, and it ended with me so disabled I still can't work. My fiancé legit has to constantly step in to stop me from pushing myself too far because I just want to do the things I want to do and I will hurt myself because of it!! I'm independent to a fault, I hate nothing more than admitting that I can't do something I want to do. Every shred of mobility I have sacrificed has been torn from my very unwilling hands, I haven't given up, I've had it taken from me. I never stopped trying to keep walking, keep working, keep cooking, keep going places, I had to stop because I had no other alternative. It was that or destroy my body. And tbh overall I still chose "destroy my body" more often than I should have.

But they still act like I'm giving up. Like it's me being lazy and stupid that got me here. Like if I was willing to just cope with the pain and not give up it would fix everything even though I already tried that.

I dont hate being disabled, I really don't, even though I've had to give up so much stuff. I grew up with a disabled mother, she's used a wheelchair my entire life and tbh I'm thankful because it seems to have spared me the all too familiar abled worldview that disability is something tragic and shameful and horrifying. It's just life, it's always just been my life, and becoming disabled was pretty easy to accept because I never saw it as a tragic fate to be avoided at all costs. This is the body I have, this is what it can and can't do, my life isn't over it's just different now, I'm allowed to mourn what I used to be able to do while recognizing that I can still live a full life with the right kind of medical care. Most of my frustration comes from people projecting their ableist feelings about disability onto me! It's why "oh but you're so young" comments make me want to deck people.

The only thing I hate about being disabled is other people and all their fucking issues that they keep projecting onto me. The way doctors act like it's better for me to give up everything I do just so I can eventually maybe regain some of my mobility rather than give me the help that would ACTUALLY make that possible. And I cannot stand the way I'm treated like some sort of stupid infant who doesn't have any idea what's best for her because I recognize my own limitations and ask for help. The pain isn't even the worst part, it's the dehumanization and infantilization. The insistence that suffering is better than "giving up" and using a mobility aid. The idea that something happening to someone like me is a tragedy and not just part of life. And the way it constantly makes me feel like I'm the problem when I fucking KNOW I'm not.

Every issue I have faced has been a result of the way other people have treated me. My mobility probably wouldn't even be as bad as it is now if my doctors had Fucking Listened To Me when I first brought up my chronic pain as a teenager, because if they had they would have figured out that I have EDS and will always be damaging my joints and thus need braces NOW to prevent that damage from progressing. I hate thinking about how not being taken seriously by doctors is what got me here in the first place. I'm so fucking tired of my fate being in the hands of people who won't help me and then blame ME for how bad I'm doing and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about and helping me would make things worse actually and have you tried just suffering more.

It's legit inhumane. I just want to be treated like a person, and maybe have some recognition for the way other people constantly make my life hell rather than people acting like I got myself into this situation when I fucking didn't, they did.

I was never the problem.

#personal #negative #vent #actually disabled #cpunk

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babypuffinzoe · 5 months

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Happy new year! 🎉💖 I hope you're all doing well and that you had a lovely time over the winter holidays!

It's been quite a while since I was last on here, almost four months I think! The past few months have been quite a journey and also transformative for me in many ways. This post is an update on what has been going on with me lately and my plans for the future (warning: it may get dark at times but it's all okay in the end).

Back in August when I came home from my trip abroad I had family visiting, which was a mixture of emotions, and I ended up hitting my head really hard while they were over, leading to me getting a mild concussion. Although I feel like the word ‘mild’ doesn't accurately convey the pain that comes with such a concussion. 😂 During this time I was trying to pretend like everything was okay, when inside I was slowly losing my mind and life was becoming very overwhelming. After my last post in September, things got really bad for me, both with my physical and mental health.

From September onwards I had to face my medical phobia as I could no longer avoid going to the doctors. I was constantly fatigued, along with a range of other symptoms, and I suddenly developed a very weird rash which resembled meningitis and gave me quite the scare. Long story short, after many tests and a lot of stress, they were not able to determine what had caused the rash but at least it's nothing to be concerned about! I did, however, discover that I have a condition called hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is the most likely cause of all the pain and fatigue I experience. Now that I know this, I can better manage my days and have a better understanding of how my body works, so I’ve been kinder to myself lately.

I won't go into too much detail about all my mental health struggles at this time, since this post is already getting quite long! I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and ‘voices’ in my head since I was a child, which tell me very negative things about myself and my life. It was only in the past months that I have been able to realise with the help of my therapist that these thoughts are not true and not something I need to listen to or take on board when it comes to my life choices. I have been able to actually do things I enjoy again and I am hoping to keep up this momentum during 2024! There are still a lot of other things I am working on and that I currently struggle with, including managing my eating disorder, flashbacks, and PMDD (or potentially PME with the new research that is coming out). However, I am finally at a point where I feel confident in the direction my life is heading and I have more confidence in myself. When things get bad, I tend to isolate myself (one of the unhealthy habits I am working on changing). I struggle to share my feelings with others and hate feeling like a burden, so I pull away from everyone. When I first created my social media accounts, my goal was to use them to help me express myself and have a safe space to share my thoughts and feelings. I really want to put more effort into socialising this year and to isolate less. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to rely on others when I need it, as I would help them when they do. 💖

During all this I also had a friend move in to my house, which means I have a lot less privacy. That combined with the health scare I had meant I had to put ABDL and kinky stuff on hold for a while. I was also really struggling to get into littlespace and had a lot of confusing thoughts regarding kink in general and what I really wanted. I think I only wore diapers about twice over the months as I just couldn't get into the right headspace. I am happy to say that I am definitely feeling more little lately and I am excited to start wearing nappies again! 🤭

To end on a positive note, I want to share some good things that have happened over the past months. I have found a sport I really enjoy and have been consistently exercising now for the past month or so! I’m super proud of myself as this has been a goal of mine for years! And my daddy and I had our one year anniversary in December and spent Christmas together. 🥰

Thank you to everyone who sent me messages while I was away! Even if I haven't replied yet, know that I appreciate you checking up on me so much and I will try to get back to everyone this weekend! 😊💖 And thank you to all of you who continue to support me and care about me, it truly means a lot. I know I haven't been the most reliable in terms of content creation and I want to get better at that this year, as creating content is one of my favourite things to do and I have had so much fun with it in the past!

I hope 2024 is a great year for us all! Stay safe ily 💖

#personal #life update

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quodekash · 11 months

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okay, two things to say here

one: pran's loving stare <33

two: HOW THE HELL IS PAT'S LEG DOING THAT??? HIS FOOT IS POINTING INWARDS

THE ENTIRETY OF HIS LEFT LEG HAS TWISTED AND ROTATED COMPLETELY???

AM I JUST LOOKING AT IT WRONG OR IS PAT A CONTORTIONIST

its entirely possible he's just double jointed. i also have a lot of double joints

buT IM STILL CONFUSED BECAUSE LEGS DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT

WAIT I GOT IT

HIS TOES ARE TUCKED UNDER THE CALF OF HIS OTHER LEG

IM SUCH AN IDIOT

SORRY GUYS, FALSE ALARM

ah shoot i got distracted for an hour watching commentary youtubers

HE SAID THE THING

THE THING THAT THEY ALWAYS SAY

GNERJDKBSGF

IM CLAPPING MY HANDS LIKE A HAPPY TODDLER RN

BUT YOU ALSO SAID THAT

YOU ALSO CANT LIVE WITHOUT HIM

TELL HIM THAT

OMG

DID TIAN FREAKING SPILL THE BEANS ON PAT??? THATS SO FUNNY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

his feet are normal again, dont worry guys

(guys being me. im pretty sure i was the only one freaking out about his foot but i just need a little bit of validation)

IM SOBBING

HE SAID IT

VOIEPSDHBGOVULJRBFGOBUVRPDOUFGVBNREDOUGJBVNEIRUJKDFBGNEVORIFDJLBGNBOIERUJKDFGOBIJKLERDFOIGJLBENRVOIDFJLGBVEOIRFDJLBNGBIOREJLVFDB

KISS YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND KISS YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND KISS YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND

H EL P

IM NOT OKAY

AAAAAAAAAAA

HHHHHHHHSBGHJSDBFX

I THINK IM DYING

THEY MEAN WAY TOO MUCH TO ME

JUST FREAKIN KILL ME ALREADY

HOW DOES ONE DEAL WITH THIS

HOW DO YOU FUNCTION WHEN PATPRAN ARE SO FREAKING PERFECT

bro just looked directly at the camera

THEYRE SUCH HUSBANDS

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

is it love.

okay never mind, it's not love lmao

hell yes

husbands

such husbandly husbands

ERODJFLBHGNKJRDF

THEYRE ALL DOING THE 'I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU' LINE AND ITS KILLING ME, I LOVE IT

ah frick

im just remembering that thing about how heart transplant patients only live up to like 10 years after getting a heart transplant.

and that statistic is for people who listen to their doctors and dont go to a mountain and dont do exercise they should not and dont eat food they should not etc etc, so tian's life expectancy is probably even less than that.

ITS OKAY, LET'S IGNORE SCIENCE, WE'RE IGNORING SCIENCE

HES A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, SCIENCE DOESNT HAVE TO APPLY

NOT TODAY, SATAN

i hate you so much for this jude

why would you send me that tiktok

everyone spam @judebilation with hate for emotionally destroying me and also probably you

(im just kidding i love them too much to be super mad about this, and also FICTION MEANS SCIENCE DOESNT APPLY, WE DONT HAVE TO THINK ABOUT SCIENCE, so to jude: i forgive youuuu)

HE'S READING ITTT

PLEASE THE MUSIC WAS SO DRAMATIC THERE

IM JUST TRYNA EAT MY CHEEZLES MAN BUT I NEARLY CHOKED ON THEM

ITS SO FREAKING FUNNY

HOLY HELL

i finally finished the episode! it only took me (checks watch) 16 and a half hours to do

and if you wanna be nitpicky, technically it took 37 days and 30 minutes to start, and then 16 and a half hours to finish after that

and i still have an entire episode to go, so let's get right to it (after i pee and make a hot chocolate, cos i need emotional support)

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pillsandumbrellas · 3 months

Note

Could you please go more into depth about what you mean by use your emotions to conquer your emotions instead of rationalizing them?

I'm no doctor or specialist in psychological or psychiatric matters or pertaining to any neurological science at all. Thusly please take everything that I say with a mound of salt. As human beings we have this fantastic ability to assign labels to each and every thing that exists or for that matter doesn't, I've found. These labels are much stronger than paper stickers; they come in the form of feelings. Some are evolutionary and inexplicable some are learned. The way I've come to best utilise this labeling mechanism is by loading my brain with these negative and positive prompts when it comes to things I want it to enjoy and things that I want it to dislike. These aren't your simple "This is bad don't do this. Remember how fat you got last time?" Those really don't work, because your brain isn't stupid or simple. You have to understand how fear and reward work. Our brain hates cognitive dissonance with a passion. It doesn't like when we confuse if we hate or enjoy something. How can something give us dopamine while still making us upset? Our brain can justify that as a "not a big deal, so it's fine" since we don't do anything to change it to be more violent of a response. Now what is a more violent response? How do I spurn vitriol towards things so that we don't do them again because our brain understands they're bad? I correlate them with things that absolutely disgust me. I correlate them with myself and channel pure and utter rage towards them. Every negative feeling I hate; I channel towards the object of my ire. The most gut wrenching, anxiety driven feelings and thoughts. For example, I hate spiders, I am deathly afraid of them to the point of paralysis. When I think of certain foods, I've trained my brain to start thinking of spiders. I don't go near these foods anymore or even think about them purely to avoid the mental imagery. I have different assignments for different foods. I do mental exercises all the time to keep these afloat. Then on the flip side, towards the opposite, I channel all the positive. I assign the best feelings of happiness, hope, and clarity. The best memories I have, the things that really make me happy. Whenever I eat celery for example I'm reminded me of the smell of the ocean and the scenery and one of the best memories of my childhood. I can feel the warmth of the campfire burning and I'm instantly in this cozy space. I love celery. Did I before? Noooo. I loathed it. Now it's a comfort food. Please remember that I in no way am sanctioning brainwashing yourself. I'm answering a question in regards to what I do to exercise control over my actions. I don't know if this is right or wrong and I'm not encouraging anyone else to do it. These are just my experiences.

#tw ana diary #tw restriction #ed not ed sheeran #@n0r3xia #tw ana trigger #pro a4a #@na trigger #tw disordered eating #tw restrictive ed

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jsprnt · 8 months

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Healing Hearts PT.6 | Virgil van Dijk

Would a fresh start bring you more than just a new job?

A/N: the moment we’ve all been waiting for! this is a long one, enjoy :)

C/W: mention of abusive relationship, blood.

WC: 5.012

Summary: Y/N L/N is a very skilled and praised physiotherapist. A certain event pushing her for a fresh start, as a physiotherapist for Liverpool FC. One question always being in the back of her mind: Will she be able to let go of her past and allow herself to experience new things?

"The swelling has been going down thankfully. You're very lucky it's a minor injury. I've discussed your injury with both Dr. Woods and Dr. Davis, and we think you'll be back in a few weeks, though we'll have to keep monitoring it regularly. Especially since you're being included in the national team lineup." I say, filling in some important documents about Ibo's injury.

"Thank you doctor. I really hope I will be fine for the national matches." He says, French accent shining through. I give him a crooked smile, turning my full attention towards him.

"You know I can't promise you anything except that I'll help you to my upmost ability, as your physiotherapist." I state. He nods his head, acknowledging what I tell him. I give him some more instructions about how to make sure his injury doesn't get worse. He walks out of my office a while later, feeling more confident in healing faster.

I glance at my planner, checking off the appointments I had completed. Realizing I had a fifteen-minute break. I grab my phone out of my handbag, checking my messages.

I had sent my friends a couple of cute pictures I took last night, asking which one to post.

I had done my make up and dressed up out of boredom. Wanting to go back to posting on my Instagram regularly, keeping my friends and family up to date since I now lived in a different city again.

I add some other pictures to it, making it photo dump and adding a caption. I press post, scrolling through my timeline before checking the time. Next appointment: meeting with physiotherapy team.

I shove my phone in my back pocket, grabbing some documents we need before walking along the hallways to the gym, Dr. Davis would definitely be there.

I feel my stomach grumble, lunchtime was soon and I couldn't wait to eat honestly.

I walk in greeting some players who are working out hard. The faint smell of sweat and deodorant hits my nose. I scrunch my nose, trying to focus on my own perfume. I could never get used to the smell of men exercising, no matter how long I worked in this industry.

Suddenly, a ball rolls up to my feet. I turn my head to the right seeing Trent and Dom. My left hand fidgeting with the documents in my arm.

"You guys are playing two touch in the gym?"

I raise my brows at them, taking the ball and rolling it under my foot. "That's what I said. This is gym time!" I glance at a slightly frustrated Mo, chuckling at him before turning back to the other guys. "You guys sound like my parents when I was younger. Stop being an arse and kick the ball back!" Trent yells in his Scouser accent.

I gasp at him, grabbing my chest offended. "Hey, I'm only twenty-five, he's the old one!" I point to Mo as he gives me a surprised look. The other players in the gym looking up due to the slight commotion. "I am not old- I'm thirty-one!" He exclaims. I try hold back a laugh, glancing at the other players who have slight grins on their face, overhearing our banter.

I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, turning my head to see a slightly sweaty Virgil. A sweaty but powdery-musk smell enters my nostrils. His curly baby hairs sticking to his forehead, his signature waves slightly frizzy. He leans forward, his face close to mine.

"If he's old what am I then?" My eyes widen, feeling his minty breath fanning my face. I stare up at him for a second before I hear my name being called by Dr. Davis, who's looking at us from the entrance of the gym. "Well- I've got a meeting, you'll have to ask Trent!" I give him a sheepish smile, scooping up the ball with my foot and kicking it back to Dominik, surprising myself at the fact that I hadn't lost the football skills I had learnt in primary school.

"Train hard everyone! I'll be there James!" I yell before jogging away hearing some chuckles behind me as leave the gym.

"Since we're done discussing everything, y/n how has it been working here so far." I look up from the stack of documents, smiling at the two senior physio's.

"It's been two weeks but it feels way longer honestly, in a good way of course. Staff and player are nice and the workplace is very positive." I state. They look at me with bright smiles, looking very relieved. We chat some more before Dr. Woods dismisses me for lunch.

I bid them goodbye and walk back to my office. Putting away the documents and walking into the canteen. I fill my plate with some tasty food, remembering not eat too much since Virgil was inviting me over for dinner later.

I sit next to Clara, chatting, well more like gossiping about literally everyone.

"She cheated on him?!" I yell a little out of shock as she tells me the latest celebrity dating drama.

I take a sip of my water, swallowing before asking her more about it. Some players asking if they can sit our table. I absentmindedly nod at them, not paying attention as I'm too invested in Clara's story.

"Who cheated?" I hear a confused Curtis say. We glance at him briefly realizing multiple players at had been sitting at our table. You'd think they'd be invested in their own banter, but they quite literally had been eavesdropping our conversation.

"Why's everyone looking at us?"

I murmur to Clara, embarrassed smile on my face.

"Because you are very loud." I look at Robbo, mumbling a quick sorry before Clara and me turn back to our own conversation again, this time with way less volume.

I shove the last bites of veggies in my mouth listening to the details of her juicy story.

"Show me a picture of the guy." I say, very curious. She taps on her phone handing me it. I look at the phone screen, my mouth falling open. "She cheated on him with this?" I exclaim, totally baffled. My hand covering my mouth in disbelief.

I feel a presence behind me, turning to see Curtis look at the screen. I quirk my eyebrow at him.

"What? You girls are so loud I want to know the gossip show me!" I roll my eyes at him playfully before I show him the picture.

"Oh- was she blind or?" I laugh at his comment before I hear the guys at the table complain about wanting to see the pictures too.

I sigh before showing them the phone, hearing a couple words of disbelief. "Maybe he has a nice personality?" I hear Harvey say.

This becomes the only topic of our conversation at our table, dragging on for the next fifteen minutes. And they say women gossip more than men.

"No, it's crazier since her partner- well ex is hot."

I hear Clara say. I nod at her comment. "She's not wrong."

My eyes wander around the table as the guys seem to be more invested into the drama than us now. I chuckle at their banter, my lips curling up into a smile, dimples on display. My eyes lock with Virgil's who's sitting at the end of the table. He smiles back, and a warm feeling seeps into my chest, a faint blush covering my cheeks.

A knock on my door takes me out of my concentrated trance. I watch as the door swing open, revealing Virgil. I check the time, training must've ended early?

"What's up?" I raise a brow, fidgeting with my pen before standing up from my seat. He smirks at me and walks around to sit on the treatment table, looking very comfortable. "Something wrong?"

I walk up to him, almost standing in between his thighs due to his frame. "Nothing wrong." He says. I notice a glimmer of mischievousness in his eyes.

"Why are you here then hm?" I fold my arms up to my chest, lifting my head slightly to look him in the eyes. He laughs at me before mirroring my stance. "I came here to confirm tonight, you'll be at my place at 7 right?"

"Yeah, you thought I forgot? In one day?"

He huffs, before shaking his head. "No, just confirming." He smirks, and I can’t help but wonder why he's being, so- weird?

"And I was wondering- do you have any allergies?" I raise my brows. "Why are you cooking? I instead of a fancy private chef?" I scoff, a hint of teasing in my tone.

His expression turns offended, scoffing back. "Yes, I will be cooking, you don't think I'm capable of making a nice dinner?" He retorts.

I raise my hands in defense, holding back a laugh. "Okay Mister Chef, don't get too riled up. I'll look forward to it." I study his face for a reaction, the corners of my lips tugging upwards.

"I'll show you, just be on time." He says, giving me a cocky smile. I feel my heart pound faster in my chest, that smile was to literally go feral for, I had to admit. "I'll be there just send me the address."

I put on my halter-neck dress, struggling to reach the back as I check the time. Fuck, twenty minutes until I have to leave. I fight against the flexibility of my arms some more before huffing and giving up, thanking myself for befriending my neighbor.

I walk out of my apartment, going up to Sofia's door and knocking on it. The door opens and I greet her before turning around, giving her the message. She chuckles before reaching down to zip up my dress. I turn back facing her again and give her a hug as a ‘thank you’. She whistles at me, her arms folded. "Damn girl, which lucky guy is seeing all of this tonight." I laugh at her, trying to convince her it's nothing like that, though see doesn't seem very convinced. "I doubt that, but let me know how it goes?" I nod at her before leaving back to my apartment. "Don't drink too much!" She yells after me. "I won't!"

I stand in front of my mirror, hands smoothing down my dress before I pack my handbag. I grab my lip liner, meticulously lining my lips and applying a pretty gloss on top. I breathe in and exhale slowly, my hands clammy for some crazy reason. Am I nervous? I shake my head at my distress, not believing I was nervous for something so simple. It's just dinner.

My phone buzzes on my coffee table, I grab it walking out of my apartment after being fully ready. My Notification Center being flooded by my Instagram post being liked, I smile at myself before checking the most important message. Virgil had sent his address finally.

After a half hour drive of me fighting with the directions and the navigation system, I finally arrive at his home, a nice big gate around it. Though, his house wasn't anything I expected, it was defined huge but not modern like I thought his house would be.

I reach for my phone, ready to call him but I'm stopped by the gates opening. I sigh before driving up onto his huge driveway, catching a glimpse of the other cars he owned. I hadn't seen them before at the training center.

I gather my bag, jumping out of my car and fixing my dress, walking around to his front door. The door opens, a nicely dressed Virgil smiles back at me.

Oh fuck, he looks insanely good. He's wearing a off-white polo shirt, the sleeves a little snug on his biceps, paired nicely with some black pants. His hair in his signature hairstyles and it looks like he had cleaned up his facial hair a bit.

"Hey!" I greet, stepping into his home. I glance around, noticing the touches of marble and wood decorate his home. "You look beautiful." He hums, leaning down and pulling me into a warm hug, a hand softly running down my arm. I try to stop my brain from short-circuiting, focusing instead of allowing my mind to wander.

"I really thought you weren't coming after I said I'd be cooking." His voice vibrates in my ear. The musky smell of his cologne engulfing my senses.

I pull back. "Do you think I'm going to pass up an opportunity to taste your cooking? I need to know if the 'worlds best defender' can cook a nice meal as well, no? Besides, you hurt my nose. I need some compensation for that!" He laughs at me, before leading me further into his home, keeping a hand on my back, in between my shoulder blades.

He guides me into the main room. I glance around noticing the kitchen, living room and dinning room are all on one floor, connected.

"Your house is so pretty." I breathe out, glancing at him. "Did you have it designed?" He hums, nodding. "I did but I worked with them to make it my own." He says.

He leads me to the dining table, it wasn't a huge one, the dark walnut wood giving it a cozy touch. A pretty chandelier dangling from the ceiling, casting a warm light into the room.

The table is filled with plates, wine glasses and cutlery. Most importantly the decent amount of food. He pulls back my chair to allow me to sit. I turn back to look at him. Maybe, chivalry wasn't dead. He walks around the table to sit down across from me.

I gasp, my eyes widening. "So, you made all of this?" I motion to the table with my hands, making a circle motion with my fingers.

"Of course I did, did you think I was bluffing?"

I eye him up suspiciously, raising a brow. "Well- no, but not this." I say. "You shouldn't have, training was very intensive today and you must be tired." My expression falters into a concerned one. He really did all of this, for me?

"No, it's okay. I wanted to really show you how sorry I was. Besides, I like doing things for the ones I care about." I freeze at his words, staring at him with wide eyes, he cares?

He clears his throat, before asking I want a glass of water. I nod, as he starts pouring water into a glass and handing it to me. I reach over, grabbing it and lifting the cold glass it up to my lips. My pink lip gloss leaving a stain on the edge of the glass.

"So, chef are you going to explain what you've cooked tonight?" I say, a smile tugging on my lips.

"Of course, just a second." He stands up, walking over to the glass sliding-doors leading to the backyard. He slides them open and a nice breeze blows in to the house immediately. He walks outside into the backyard, I tilt my head curiously.

Then he appears again, a big plate in his hand and a smoky smell reaching my nostrils. Steak- he'd grilled steak on his barbecue?

I follow his every move with my eyes, he walks up to me placing a piece of steak on my and his plate. He walks back to me, grabbing the plate from in front of me and cutting it. My heart practically melt at the action, my face flushing.

"Smells amazing, thank you." I say, looking up at him. My eyes following the movements of his hands. He places the plate with cut steak in front of me again, giving me a smile. "My pleasure." He says, his voice silky as ever.

He sits down again, motioning for me to start eating. "I'm not a course-meal person myself, so I just put out everything at once. I hope you're okay with that?" He makes eyes contact with me, a faint smile on his lips.

"Oh- it's fine I promise. I'm not a fan of that either." I say, shaking my head slightly. He looks at me pleased, before starting to explain every dish he had prepped.

We dig in before the food gets cold. I taste the steak, humming at the taste. It melting on my tongue. "This is insanely good. How'd you learn to cook like this? Your mom?"

He nods, a reminiscing look on his face. "That and I worked at a restaurant when I was younger. Washed the dishes, but could overhear the chefs talking about how to prepare the food all the time."

"I guess, I could actually call you chef?" He chuckles at me before suggesting I taste the spaghetti, coated in a creamy tomato sauce.

"This is really good, oh my god." I gasp at the taste, this had to be the best spaghetti I have ever eaten and I have probably eaten spaghetti in every country I had visited.

He grabs the decanter filled with red wine, I imagine him meticulously decanting it and smile to myself. "Wait- I'm driving home remember? I can't drink." I say. "You can drink it's fine. I'll drive you home, you can relax. You're my guest."

I smile at his words, watching him move carefully. I could definitely get used to being wined and dined like this again.

I notice the almost empty bottle next to it. He walks over to me to fill my wineglass. I eye the familiar label, trying to figure out where I had had it before. I didn't know much about wine, but this one was etched into my memory for some reason. He notices my confusion and gives me information about it. I think carefully as he speaks, finally remembering where I had had it before. I mentally slap myself for remembering the shitty memory.

I had it on a date with Theo at a three star Michelin restaurant. He had asked the waiter for their 'very good red wine' in the rudest way possible, embarrassing me in the process. Then he'd bragged about the bottle being worth seven grand the entire dinner. A chill travels down my spine, remembering how he'd lashed out at me later for 'ogling the waiter' in his twisted words.

Wait-? This bottle is worth seven thousand and I'm being served it on a simple dinner? I snap out of my thoughts before looking at the glass of wine in front of me. Looking back at Virgil, trying to not look as shocked as I am right now.

"Something wrong? You don't like it-" I interrupt him. "No, I just remembered we're I've had this wine before, that's it."

He raises a brow. "Where have you had it?" I give him an awkward smile, before dismissing it. "Not the best memory, but this will probably make me forget it." I chuckle at him.

We continue to eat in a comfortable silence for a while before he breaks it. "I know you've told us about yourself, but tell me more. I want to learn more about you." He says, small smile on his face.

"What do you want to know?" I say. "Tell me more about your upbringing, how you grew up."

I take a sip of the wine, it's taste coating my mouth. I explain my childhood to him, as he occasionally chimes in to tell a story he relates to. I smile at myself, feeling very comfortable.

"To be fully honest, I don't have the best relationship with my parents. Mainly, because growing up they'd always been more busy with their business, so they were physically and emotionally pretty absent. Though, I don't know if I could complain- I mean their determination for work made it possible for me to grow up comfortably. Even though it meant I had to raise myself sometimes."

He nods, acknowledging my feelings telling me about his relationship with his father and how it had shaped him as a person. "I guess, we aren't so different after all hm?"

We finish dinner and I can't help but glance into his backyard, noticing my curiosity, he offers to take a walk in his backyard. I nod eagerly as we walk along the neatly designed pool tiles. "Do you swim a lot when it's sunny?" I ask him. "I do, but I love swimming when it's colder. The jacuzzi is the best when it's cold." I roll my eyes at him playfully. "Must be nice." I mock as he laughs at me.

The sun had gone down and the temperature had dropped quite a bit. I shiver as a cold breeze blows past me, making my teeth clatter slightly. Virgil notices as he interrupts himself, looking at me concerned. "Are you cold?” A shy smile forms on my lips, nodding at him. He walks back into his house, quickly walking back out with a white sweater in his arms.

He walks up to me, carefully pulling the sweater over my head. I imagine to not smudge my make up. I shiver at the touch of his hands on my arms, holding back a surprised gasp. His hand goes up to fix my hair, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "Thank you." He smirks at me, an unknown look in his eyes as he glances down at me.

"Do you want to go back inside?" I nod at Virgil, walking back into his house alongside him. He tells me sit at the kitchen island as he cleans up the table, forcing me stop helping him with cleaning. "I said you're my guest, please go sit down and have some more wine."

This leads to me sipping on the seven thousand pound wine like it's orange juice, sitting onto the bar stool and leaning against the marble island, my elbows propped up on it. I watch him rinse off the dishes and cutlery before placing them into the dishwasher. I don't know if it's the wine or not but looking at his back, cleaning the kitchen with gloves on made him look so- husband material, it feels almost too domestic. Though, it definitely made him look so hot, that was for sure the effect of the wine. Sober me would never, right?

I let out a soft giggle, my face was probably insanely flushed. He turns back to look at me, chuckling to himself as he washed his hands. Walking up to me and holding onto my shoulders to stabilize me. He looks at me before looking at the nearly empty decanter.

"Are you drunk?" I look up at him, a sheepish smile on my face. "Not yet." I laugh and his chocolate brown eyes gaze into mine. I unconsciously hold my breath, he looked insanely pretty from this proximity. I try get off of the bar stool as he tries to hold me back stabilizing me again, fixing the white sweater. I huff at him. "I'm not drunk, I swear." I whine, hearing a deep chuckle leave his throat. His big hand engulfs mine as he holds onto to it, my soft skin grazing against his slightly calloused palms. He places a cold glass of water in my hand.

He starts gathering the wineglass and nearly empty decanter in front of me and puts them away. I press my lips onto the edge of the glass, sipping onto the water as I follow his movement from behind it. A sudden familiar tune makes me jerk my head around, looking for the origin of the sound. I catch the glowing screen of my phone, left at the dinner table. I get off the bar stool, half-full glass still in my hand as I make my way towards it.

I pick it up, taking notice of the anonymous number calling me. I glance up at Virgil, seeing that he's still busy with cleaning up and look back at my phone again. Who would be calling my phone at eight thirty in the evening? My finger hovers over the green circle, eventually pressing it quickly, lifting the phone up to my ear, my left hand fidgeting with the glass.

"Hello?" I mutter, holding my breath awaiting an answer back. I catch Virgil turning around, eyeing me confused, but his face relaxes when he realizes I'm on the phone.

I furrow my eyebrows, my face twisting into confusion as no one speaks back, the only sound being of someone's breathing in my ear. I start pulling the phone away from my ear, but I freeze at the sound of someone's voice breaking the silence.

"Now you're picking up the phone? you fucking bitch!" The person shouts, a sinister tone lacing his voice. Theo.

I gasp, jolting at the voice. My hand jerks, letting the glass of water slip through my hands. The loud sound of the glass splitting into millions of pieces deafening my ears. Water splashes up, pieces of glass cut through my skin, a painful stinging feeling on my face. My eyes widen in shock, disassociating for a second before I'm pulled out of it by Virgil's hands on my waist, gently carrying me away from the glass.

I blink multiple times, trying to focus at what just happened. My hand falls to my side, the screen being seen by Virgil as he takes it out of my hand, hanging up on the caller.

"Hey, what's wrong? What happened?" He mutters, looking very worried. He grips onto my shoulders, shaking me slightly. I avert my eyes to him, eyes still wide in shock.

Tears cloud my vision, gathering at the corner of my eyes before rolling down my cheeks. I feel his thumb caressing them away, his other hand traveling to my nape and pulling me into his chest. I shake in his hold, his arm wrapping around my shoulder as he caresses my hair.

I feel his shirt become wet as my tears fall.

"It's okay, you're safe." He mutters into my ear softly, his frame enveloping me tightly. My breath hitches, pulling away from him and noticing the blood- and some make up stains on his shirt.

"Blood and the glass- I'm so sorry-" he shushes me, wiping away the tears falling down. "It's fine. You're the one bleeding, again." I look up at him with glossy eyes, he was right. I kept getting myself in these bloody embarrassing situations, with him.

He glances down my body, noticing some cuts on my legs as well. His arm travels down to the back of my knees, stabilizing his hold on my back before carrying me bridal style onto his big sofa.

He puts me down in the corner of the sofa gently, the soft fabric pressing comfortably against my skin. He walks away and comes back with a first-aid kit, treating the small cuts carefully.

"Who was that calling you hm?" His gaze pierces into my eyes. I avert his gaze, focusing on him treating my cuts instead. "Do you know the caller?" He presses on, treating the last cut on my face, a silent curse ringing through my mind.

"y/n- tell me." His fingers pinch my chin, lifting my face to meet his gaze. I let out a silent huff before pulling my legs up to my chest, he grabs the blanket on the edge of the couch, draping it over my naked legs.

I open my mouth to speak, my eyes wandering around the house, fidgeting with the blanket. Was I really about to trauma dump on my patient?

"I- it's personal I can't-" he interrupts a stern look on his face. "y/n." I sigh, a lump forming in my throat, I try swallowing it down.

"My ex- it was my ex boyfriend." I breathe out, scanning his face for a change of expressions. He furrows his brows, looking at me skeptically.

"There's more to it. Am I right?" He says softly, caressing the palm of my hand.

I swallow again, trying to croak out the words I had been keeping to myself this entire time. "Tell me." He encourages.

"We dated for five years, met him when working for Ajax, moved with me to Barcelona later. His mother is a big sponsor in the football industry. I broke up with him after he started becoming- more and more- umh abusive and controlling. That's why I got a job at this club and moved here." My voice cracks towards the end of my sentence.

A soft hum leaves his lips, a tender look in his eyes. "I'm sorry." "It's not your fault obviously, I just got shocked by hearing his voice. I'm sorry for the glass and your shirt-." I narrow my eyes at the mess next to the dining table, fragments of glass and water everywhere.

"It's okay. It's fine, as long as you're fine." He mumbles and I almost don't catch the end of his sentence.

"Do you want to watch a movie? To take your mind off it hm?" His voice a little deeper as he looks at me waiting for answer. I nod, too exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions I experienced in a short amount of time to reply with words.

He turns on the TV, across us, mounted on the huge wall. The bright light emitting from it making me cringe and squint my eyes. I shift from my position, sinking back into the sofa. He chooses a movie I had never heard of, the soft blaring of the actors calming me down as Virgil sits back as well, our bodies closer now.

A warm, comfortable feeling seeps into my chest, my eyes fluttering shut. My last conscious memory being, my forehead touching something broad and warm, a hand caressing my hair softly.

#virgil van dijk #virgilvandijk #liverpoolfc #van dijk #virgil van dijk fanfiction #virgilvandijkimagines #football #liverpool fanfic #football fanfic #liverpoolimagines #football imagines #virgil van dijk x reader #virgil x reader

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mybleedingboy · 10 months

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Hannibal Fic Recs

for @raniofzepuchas (I'll make this short and only include my very favorites so I'm not overwhelming you with fics) (no particular order)

A Clutch at Balance by Devereauxs_Disease

Rating: E | Word Count: 25,466

When Will Graham storms into Hannibal's house muttering about kissing Alana Bloom, the good doctor makes Will an offer: Pretend to date Hannibal in order to prove to Alana that Will is not only stable but capable of being in a relationship. When Alana is convinced Will is the man of her dreams, Hannibal will step aside and Will can get his girl. What could possibly go wrong?

Really fun and balances that fun with some excellent writing. Spot on dynamic, fantastic chemistry.

highway 190 by occultiism

Rating: M | Word Count: 10,343

He has found the Devil and wants to live inside of him. There is no more room for God. / Chronological snapshots throughout Will Graham's life.

Arguably one of the best-written Hannibal fics (and fics in general) ever. Hard-hitting, painful throughout but like a punch that hits the knots right out of you. If that makes sense?

Five Times Hannibal Visits Will and One Time He's Already Home (or: Coffee Cake) by bones_2_be

Rating: E | Word Count: 82,385

When Will tells Hannibal to leave at the end of Digestivo, he goes. And then, a few years later, he shows back up. They have long conversations, drink a lot of wine, at the end of it all they find something that works.

Excellent progression. Love the characters in this. Again, great fucking writing. Restricted fic, so you'd have to be logged in.

The Mongoose and the Mouse by Hiding Now

Rating: E | Word Count: 109,582

With Mother's and Father's Day impending, Will has been feeling particularly irascible. He has parent issues (as do we all) so as a therapeutic exercise, Hannibal suggests something novel: a vacation together to recapture the childhood he never had. His caveats: Will must choose someplace he's never been, someplace he always wanted to go as a child. The idea is ridiculous. Will can only think of one place. But there is no way Hannibal will agree to go to a place where turkey legs are a staple, and cartoon characters offer hugs on every corner. Will calls his bluff. Hannibal calls it right back. OR ~Will and Hannibal spend a week at Walt Disney World for perfectly sound psychological reasons~

It's the disney fic! Always fun to read back.

each according to its kind by chaparral_crown

Rating: M | Word Count: 192,571

Will does the only reasonable thing that someone fresh out of a mental hospital with no support system does - he leaves, and goes on a road trip to the Pacific Northwest.

AU of Season 2. This is my favorite Hannibal fic, and one of the best-written at that. Every paragraph is rich in flavor. I would definitely eat this. This is the fic I recommend the most often.

their beaks not yet turned red by chaparral_crown

Rating: M | Word Count: 134,420

Will stares at the bird. The bird stares back. In its beak, a very finely embroidered cloth, and in that, the tiniest of soft fists pushing forward from a folded corner. “Don’t you dare,” Will says, crouching, hand that is not currently cradling an overly large pour of whiskey pointed at the bird to ward it off. --- After Hannibal is arrested and the trial dates are set, the stork visits Will Graham. With it, it brings a baby, a legally binding birth certificate, and a hope chest full of gifts for her. Nobody except Will thinks this is weird. (Alternatively, what if the Scarlet Letter was a dark romantic comedy?)

So good and heartfelt throughout. I wished this was canon.

Ravenous by rageprufrock

Rating: M | Word Count: 38,448

Whenever I go into a new fandom, I look for pru's works first. This was no exception, and it's so fucking good. It's a genuine thriller. There's no description, and pru doesn't tag, so I will let you go in blind. An exciting read, brilliantly written both stylistically, plot-wise, and character-wise. The dynamics here are wonderful !! Hard-recommend.

#hannibal #fic recs #hannibal fic recs #hannigram

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sailor-cerise · 4 months

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What's the point of the social model of disability?

My musings on the social model of disability, including what I think is a common misunderstanding and some criticism I have.

My understanding is that the social model of disability is not about claiming society is the only reason for suffering and limitations -- that most certainly is not true for many people -- but rather about why the disability prevents you from participating in society and what should be DONE about your disability.

The medical model: you are broken and you and doctors must work to "fix" you so that you fit in and be as normal as possible. You need to make yourself fit in. Accomodations are about making you as least different and most "productive" as possible, minimizing the differences others see and have to accommodate. There is one "right" way to be and you aren't it.

The social model: society should adapt to the people that live in it, including disabled people, and society should change to accommodate people living with disabilities. Accomodations are about putting you in equal ground with others. You should be empowered to live life as fully as possible, to interact with other people and the world not as a burden or an object of pity or an afterthought, but a PERSON.

When the social model says "society disables you", it's a criticism of how society treats disabled people and makes their issues bigger problems than they need to be, and pressures people to suppress their needs and appear "normal".

If society changed, I would still:

Have wildly inconsistent energy

Have intense pain sometimes (period pain, migraines, body aches)

Be unable to exercise vigorously in cold, dry weather

Require aids like tinted glasses and noise cancelling headphones

Require a lot of medications to feel well enough to do things I care about

BUT I would also:

Not be forced to give ALL my limited energy to work, leaving me with some for myself and my relationships and hobbies

Be able to take the time and treatments I needed to get throughout painful episodes

Not spend a ton of energy acting "normal" for the sake of keeping my job and family relationships, hiding my needs and pushing through in unhealthy ways

Rest without shame

Have my accomodations accepted without mockery or outrage or judgement

Have the supports I need to see doctor and go to physical therapy so I can do more of the activities I want to

Be able to more effectively manage my triggers, reducing the amount of pain and fatigue I deal with

When people say "society disables you", it's a common over-simplification, one I see from both people who are excited about the social model, and from those who are frustrated with the insinuation that the disability itself is trivial.

Yes, if society changed, many of us would still have limitations and pain and frustrations.

But the point is to remove those that are unnecessary obstacles to participating in society.

Barriers to voting, to going to the doctor, to eating food we like, to seeing our friends, to enjoying artwork, to relaxing, to being ourselves.

The social model isn't intended to say "the only thing causing us pain is society!"

It means "society should focus on alleviating our pain and struggles in ways that work for US, not on conformity at all costs and the appearance and performance of 'health'"

Also while this is my ramblings on it, I'm not pulling this out of my ass.

The language is, in my opinion, flawed. Specifically, they* separate out "impairment" and "disability" like so:

Impairment is a medical condition that leads to disability. Disability is the result of the interaction between people living with impairments and barriers in the physical, attitudinal, communication and social environment. For example, it is not the inability to walk that keeps a person from entering a building by themselves, but the stairs that are inaccessible to them.

Personally, I think the word "impairment" is more irritating and condescending than disability, but their point is that the physical or mental limitations of your condition aren't what holds you back from participation, but the lack of accomodations for them.

I expect this choice comes from things like the ADA definition of disability (emphasis mine):

a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities

If the impact of your "impairment" (geez I really don't like that word...) no longer limits your major life activities, then by that definition, it's not a disability.

I do still think there are cases where this isn't true, that the limitations of your body/mind are too hard to be fully overcome no matter the supports, but I don't think there's any disability that couldn't be improved by society prioritizing meeting people where they are, and accommodating the different needs people have.

*"They" meaning a most sites I read talkingabout it, but specific definition from:

Which also says:

A social model perspective does not deny the reality of impairment nor its impact on the individual. [...] For example, it is not the inability to walk that keeps a person from entering a building by themselves, but the stairs that are inaccessible to them.

The impairment still exists. You still can't walk or hear or see or deal with loud noises or get a full night's sleep every night or whatever else your symptoms/daily reality might be.

But the point is that you should have an equal chance to participate in life.

And back to the original question...

Why does this even matter?

I have mixed feelings, but these are the reasons I care:

It's hard to criticize something without shared vocabulary to talk about it. It gives us a framework for the criticism

We can never improve society if we don't have a goal in mind and an idea of our issues

I am fucking angry about the way the world treats disabled people and having an acknowledgement of the shittiness makes me feel seen

It helps me to stop blaming myself for not being able to get better

It helps people who are recently become/just finding out they are disabled accept it, shifting mindset from "I don't have a disability because that would mean I failed/am a failure/there is something less about me now" to "I do have a disability and I can't be 'normal' anymore and it's okay to be different".

I know disability isn't a bad word. But it feels like one to many people, and they don't change overnight. Having an off-ramp from the well-established path of ableism is important.

Issues I have with it:

Easily misunderstood and oversimplified to the point that it causes distress/harm

An empty sentiment if it's not backed up by a push for change

Too much emphasis on how we talk about it rather than how we fix it

The all-or-nothing/binary approach to medical model vs. social model that seems to be fairly common. I DO want medical help with many of my issues, and believing in the social model should NOT be considered antithetical to medical assistance

The word "impairment", apparently. TIL this about myself

#Long post #my opinion #Musings on disability #Disability #social model of disability #chronic illness #chronic fatigue #chronic disability #AuDHD #medical model

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n0ncooll2 · 2 months

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RANT FUN WITH VEAL TIMEEEEEE

ok so the first rantable part of this episode is 2 minutes in when after they go to a veal house and learn that baby cows are being slaughtered tmr their proactive asses +butters -cartman decide to try to save the cows so the most logical thing is to drag cartman into and sneak into his house in the middle of the night and wake him up and then they start insulting him saying “we are going to save the baby cows fatass” and “because they’re gonna get slaughtered tmr butthole” it’s like bro didn’t even do anything you wake him up and force him to do shit and then insult him for no reason and then cartman points this out and tries to go back to sleep then they try to reason with him and then butters points out that they were trying to use him and then cartman farts in Kyle’s face 🤣 and then they’re there so then they break in and then cartman says hurry up I’m freezing my ass of and then Kyle says you need to freeze some of your ass off and then cartman unprepared says at least I have an ass??? Why they talking about each others asses kyman? And then they bring the calfs that can’t walk to Stan’s house and butters bring a leg calf exerciser thinking it’s for baby cows and then stans mom the police and the baby cow rancher comes in Stan’s room so then stan just slams the door on them now Ik Stan’s just trying to be a good person Kyle’s just following Stan around and being clingy and butters and cartman were forced to do this but this is wild and then Stan’s mom being scary like all moms rapidly bangs on the door but Stan doesn’t care so then Stan says if any of you guys want out just say so so cartman says he wants out and gets shushed and then they agree to sacrifice themselves for eachother always except for cartman so then they gather the parents and Kyle’s mom is confident Kyle will open the door but he resist and then Kyle’s moms also scarily rapidly bangs on the door so then butters dad comes will butters open it or will he not find out next time on dragon ball Z

Jk so then butters prevails with a little help and then cartman being logical says what are we gonna do stand here till we starve and then Stan says their parents are bluffing and then ms cartman gives them food and Stan says he’s never eating meat again and cartman said he’d become a pussy and then feeds the cow beef jerky so then the FBI comes to clear it up what is this a tutorial on how to find out if your a MAIN CHARACTER? And then they have the neogotiator on the phone so then they give the phone to cartman as it’s no secret that he’d be the best at not getting tricked and instead tricking them with his smarts and then cartman is AMAZING at this and I think when he sees Stan getting worse and worse (with spores he got from not eating meat) he kinda starts trying more like he gets them to change veal to tortured baby cows and then the negotiator ask them to come out so cartman takes one look at Stan (with now more spores as he didn’t eat meat for a while) and agrees so then the police tricks them and follows their semi truck with Mr ward in it (which cartman negotiated along with a missle and guns) so cartman uses his 8 year old smarts and says reduce speeds to 45 and maintain distance and then the police double crosses them but it doesn’t matter BECAUSE CARTMAN GOT THE WORD VEAL CHANGED TO BABY COWS sorry I had to emphasize the cartman part when he saved the day so then Stan’s in the hospital because he didn’t eat meat and the doctor said if they waited any longer he could’ve become one giant pussy oh wait wasn’t cartman also right about that so then Stan says he learned something and ends the episode but cartman was hella smart this episode

#south park #sp #south park cartman #south park kyle #sp eric cartman #stan marsh #kyle broflovski #sp stan #south park stan #sp butters #south park butters #butters scotch

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esmeislewd · 22 days

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It’s time for your annual l checkup! 👩‍⚕️🩺

Thanks for coming in! Sorry about the wait☺️

Go ahead and step on the scale — ohhkkkayy it loooks like you’ve gotten QUITE a bit bigger since last time *scribbles notes*

Alright so come with me and let’s sit you down, I’m going to need you to fully strip down…Yes ma’am everything. Thank you.

*puts on gloves while she waits for you to strip*

Ok so I’m going to use this caliper and my hands all over your body to get a more accurate bmi measurement for you. We believe here that you’re more than just a number on a scale 😘 sit still for me like a good girl ok?

*srarts at your chest*

Wow so a good bit of chub here, impressive that you move around this well.

*moves to your abdomen*

Mmmhhmm ok I think I need a bigger caliper I’ll be right back. Don’t. Move…ok?

*returns with a bigger caliper and is rougher this time while her breath is closer to your ears and warmer*

Here we go I see…I see…you’ve been enjoying yourself haven’t you 😉 haha that’s ok

*takes measurements right above your hips on your side, then your ribs*

Ok can I just say you look like you’ve done nothing but sit around all day?

*moves to tricep and your back*

Even your arms are flabby, such a hungry couch potato 🥰

Ok this last measurements will be your inner thigh, go ahead and spread your legs for me and I’ll just get on my knees right here.

*you can feel her breath between your legs while she practically gropes your thighs at this point*

Ok! All done! Very good girl ☺️

Alright so your bmi shows…about 32…which is obese.

*the doctor shows some obvious fidgeting*

But honestly I think you look great! As a doctor, I am going to encourage you to stay active and maybe just have a few less sweets every now and then 👩‍⚕️…

*she pulls you to the side and whispers*

But if that’s, and I can tell it’s not, if that’s not your thing then maaaaybe give my personal number a call and I’d love to watch you ea—I mean go eat with you 😇 would you like a lollipop before you go? Or 5? 😜

Oh gosh~ Im so sorry doctor, I totally let myself go lately. Its so hard to resist food and exercise is soooo unappealing, I do know what happened to me! I was so fit and toned and now just a squishy doughy piggy~

And if you're offering I'll take 5 lollipops ^^

#esme answers #put gloves on and play with my fat and stuff me i beg #gosh i love feeder doctors so much #female feedee #make me fatter

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bottlecaprabbitgames · 1 year

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Weight Loss, Dieting, Medical Shit Goin' On

At the request of @meethisharma , I'm making a big post of like. EVERYTHING I've learned so far since truly trying to lose weight and do better since February of this year. I'm of course going to go into my background as to why I need to lose weight and my life as an obese person, different references I've used to help with my weight loss, dietary changes, THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

So uh. Buckle up, it's a LONG post.

(Also, shout out to Jordan Shrinks over on YouTube, I've followed this woman for years and she is still the biggest inspiration and my favorite fucking person who has helped me shape my routine for weight loss.)

Why did I start trying to lose weight?

I have been obese pretty much my whole life. In high school, I weighed 260-270 lbs. Both of my parents struggled with drug addiction, and that meant that we ate a lot of unhealthy, over processed food as it was the cheapest. I also rarely, if ever, drank water growing up; we mostly had soda in the house, and that's what I drank.

Last year, in May of 2022, I weighed 330 lbs. This was after I had already lost an unknown amount of weight, as I put on a LOT working at McD's given the food was free and I was broke most of the time. This was still not enough for me to start losing weight, but I did start packing my own lunches and at least started eating better. In September, I started my first hotel job, and with the better work and pay, I was finally able to afford insurance for 2023 and start going to doctors like I needed to. I've always had a LOT of chronic issues, but none were ever diagnosed as I really didn't go to the doctor much unless it was an absolute dire emergency.

Timeskip to the first week or two of February, 2023, and I finally get in to see a nurse practioner who will lead me to find my current primary care doctor. I weighed 312 lbs, and she was very... well, blatantly, she didn't even give me the time of day LMAO. She didn't even bother to tell me I was pre-diabetic, I had to find that out from looking at my lab results myself.

Week 3 of February, I get in with the guy who's now my primary care doctor. He's also fat, like I am, and he was also far more direct with me about my situation. As it turned out, I was in like stage 3 hypertension (my blood pressure was 150 smth over 140), I was almost 90% deficient in vitamin D (y'know, the shit that makes your bones HARD), my iron saturation in my blood was in single digits (aka severely anemic, borderline needed a blood transfusion), I was well into my way to being a Type-2 Diabetic (my A1C was 5.8, you need to be 6.4 to be diagnosed), AND... my liver was struggling really, really badly. Side note, he's also a mental health professional, and he's the one who originally diagnosed my severe PTSD and got me in with my therapist.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS NOT IN THE BEST CONDITION. I was actually well on my way to developing early heart disease, osteoporosis, diabetes, blood clots, like everything I was the MOST afraid of was what I was about to have. Because I wasn't taking care of myself, I was living off of ramen and fast food and processed as shit food all the time, TV dinners... I'd make a meal out of a family-sized bag of chips or a whole roll of crackers and several slices of cheese.

My doctor was very point fucking blank about my outcomes. I could've died if I did nothing. A really horrible way to die, too. He told me that if I wanted to make changes, he'd get me every resource possible he could to help me, but I had to want the changes if they were gonna stick. Keep that in mind, right? YOU have to want the changes needed.

And that's when everything started.

THE GAME PLAN

SO, what did I do to start losing weight? What changes did I make?

Everything. FUCKING everything. My doctor said I needed a low-as-possible sodium diet, so I changed it. I needed to start exercising, so I did. I needed meds and to get into therapy to help deal with my mental health, so I religiously take my meds and I go to therapy as many times as possible each month. He also wanted me to get a daytime job, as my overnights were likely making things worse, and I finally got that done now, too.

A big thing to add here, too: my doctor has not talked to me about BMI. The only thing he has asked me to do is get to 200 lbs. He says so long as I don't drop under 120, he's said it's fine whatever weight I stop on, so long as I get to 200.

But where did I begin? The SIMPLE shit.

I started with ten minute walks. That's it for exercising, I started with TEN MINUTE WALKS. And you know what? It was fucking hard. It still is. It's like pulling teeth sometimes to get me to get up and go take a 30 minute to an hour walk. But don't let these fucking fitness influencers bully you into thinking that if you can't handle pumping iron in the gym for 6 hours straight then you're always gonna be a fat slob or whatever those fuckheads say these days. And, if you don't like walking, if you'd rather lift weights, you can do that too! If you don't want to go to a gym like I don't, order some cheap ones off of Amazon or Walmart. Go cycling or swimming or jumping rope. You don't have to go big and hard into exercise to be healthier. Start small.

Now, diet-wise, I threw myself in it a little too vigorously and I also paid the price of wasting like $50 each payday in shit I didn't eat or still haven't, and I also fucked up my GI tract for a solid month. I was ROUGHING it. Raw-dogged the low sodium diet and it did it back double time, do NOT do what I did. There's gonna be a WHOLE section after this one on dietary shit. Big thing, though? MEAL PLANNING. I don't care if you only meal plan one meal of the day, I only do my damn dinners. Just take time on your day off to batch cook a bunch of shit to be able to eat for one meal throughout the week.

MAKE GOALS. I don't care if the goals you set seem shallow to you or not, make some fucking goals. Keep them on a list you can easily find, especially like on your phone. HELL, keep the list in SEVERAL ways, like a paper on your wall. I have another section planned for like examples and my own goals on down.

EXERCISE

AGAIN, start small. Don't go hog wild and try to do an hour a day at the gym to start; that's gonna burn you out and wear you down before you even get started. Also, you don't need a gym to exercise. If you never wanna step foot in a gym, you NEVER have to.

Start with a five to ten minute walk every other day. You don't like walking? Cool, get some cheap weights (or a kettlebell weight) and lift weights for 5-10 minutes. I just recently got a 5lb kettlebell on Amazon for like $8.55 after tax so I can start doing weighted exercises. (NOTE: don't start with big heavy weights. You'll fuck up your muscles and joints. You'll want to research what weight to start with first.)

I think it wassss two weeks of me walking for ten minutes every other day before I moved to 15 minutes? Now, in May, I can go for an hour at a leisurely pace.

My Routine:

45 minute-hour walk at LEAST 4 days a week.

One day of 30 minute power walking or walking-jogging intervals. I walk along the street I live on, and I do 1/3 of the way jogging, the rest walking.

At LEAST one day using resistance band exercises. Resistance bands are like $10 at Walmart, I recommend using a light one to start WHILE AT YOUR HEAVIEST WEIGHT. Resistance bands work by using your own body weight as the resistance, so it's best to start while you're still at the heaviest.

Hoping to work the kettlebell in on at least three days of the week, doing weighted HIIT exercises (high intensity training).

DIETARY CHANGES

The BIGGEST piece of advice I can give you is to make sustainable changes. The reason diet culture doesn't work is because you can't survive off of diet food for a long period of time, meaning you'll just regain the weight back once you return to a normal diet. Also, carbs are not bad for you. Unless a doctor specifically tells you to lower carb intake, PLEASE do not just suddenly decide to stop eating carbs as you can permanently damage your major internal organs.

Now, I am not on a diet, persay. The changes I've made I plan to keep for the rest of my life. Now, I can only tell you what I do, and not what you should do. I have some formal training in nutrition, and I can give you advice on what not to do, but again, I can mostly tell you what works for me.

NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY, HERE WE GO! I am on a low-sodium diet, meaning I do not add salt to shit. I use Accent, a shit ton of seasoning and spices, and I get my canned food no salt added when I can. I also mainly only eat turkey and chicken (mostly chicken), while beef and pork are like... a treat every once in a while. I also get low sodium canned tuna or like... actually good fish sticks. And, as I live on the Gulf Coast, I get fresh shrimp once or twice a month. I also do NOT add sugar to something unless it's a recipe for like bread to feed the yeast. I get canned fruit in 100% juice, or I get it frozen mostly. If I want to add something to make it sweet, I dump fruit in it. I've also recently been adding like... one packet of splenda ALONG WITH FRUIT to my oatmeal. Tastes p good, do not recommend splenda in coffee. Shit's nasty.

I am also a calorie counter and believer. The easiest way to think of calories is like... energy. One calorie is one unit of energy. I HIGHLY recommend using a couple of calorie calculators to help figure out your daily intake, and I use the My Fitness Pal app to keep track of what I eat, especially as I am prone to boredom eating and binge eating, as I do still struggle with disordered eating. I also keep an eye on my macros (protein, carbs, fats), as well as my cholesterol, sodium, and saturated fat levels.

So, what does Cy do for food? A lot but also... not very much, lol. I am a convenience bitch. I ain't here to cook several times a day and shit, I ain't got time for it. I be makin' shit as easy as possible.

I do often drink protein shakes before or after I walk or have an intense workout. You don't have to, just keep in mind you DO need high protein intake before or after working out, to help your muscles repair themselves. I get the cheap af Purely Inspired brand at Walmart, mix it with frozen fruit and milk in my blender.

PLEASE, GOD, DRINK WATER! Drink plenty of frickin water. Your body has to be hydrated and the more water you drink, the less water your body retains as extra. A bit weird, I know, but take it from me as I carry about 10-12 lbs of water weight a day, and it was a LOT more when I wasn't hydrating properly.

I meal prep one meal a week. It's dinner now, so I take a day I'm off, make a big batch of smth, and separate it into like 5-7 containers, freezing some and fridgerating the others. I post recipes and total costs over on @cylentlycrafting , and I get those cheap ass Mainstays meal prep containers. It's like $5 for 5 of em, and I have like... 3-4 sets.

The main meat I eat now is chicken, as it has the highest amount of protein across all meats. I also pretty much exclusively eat whole grain foods (brown rice, whole wheat bread, whole wheat or brown rice or quinoa pasta), and I keep instant brown rice and instant oats on hand. Listen, I'm an impatient ass mfer, I don't have 45 mins to cook some goddamn rice.

I also luv eggies. And cheese. And dairy. Though I typically get reduced fat dairy products, except milk. Reduced fat sour cream, reduced fat cheese, sometimes reduced fat yogurt, but I take any yogurt I can get my hands on.

I use a LOT of canned beans, peas, chickpeas, and tomatoes. I also get frozen broccoli, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, red potatoes, and carrots as far as veggies go. I also often get chopped romaine lettuce, carrot chips, grape tomatoes, and onions. That is the beginning and the end to the veggies I eat, and best be fucking sure I put red kidney beans and chickpeas in everything almost it. Broccoli, too. Tomatoes.

Fruit wise, I have a LOT of fruit cups and canned fruit in 100% fruit juice, frozen fruit, and I also have a thing for clementines lately. Been eating tf out of them.

Snackies wise, I usually get that big box of baked chips from Lays. Peanut butter and graham crackers. Dark chocolate. Power Crunch protein bars because PROTEIN BARS DON'T HAVE TO BE DISGUSTING!!!!!

I pretty much exclusively use olive oil, but canola oil is also pretty damn good if you're on a budget! Just avoid regular butter, that shit's got so much calories and fat in it.....

Listen, you don't have to go broke buying shit. I tend to allot more money to food than most people because I have a LOT of food issues, and because I commit hard to shit. I have olive oil mayo and butter replacements, I keep low sugar and low sodium ketchup, and I buy expensive ass Lucini tomato sauce. You don't have to. Like I also buy tater tots and off-brand coco puffs and mini wheats.

I have experimented with a LOT of brands in the past few months, which I will probably make another post about eventually? Maybe? Also more budget-friendly shopping hacks and shit given I be trying to save as much money as possible.

GOALS

Listen, like every big project, you need goals. Getting your body healthy is a big project, and you should make goals. Goals on why you want to get healthy, goals on why to keep going even when shit gets hard. I don't care if it's the most vain shit ever, if it's a goal it's a fucking goal.

Here are some of mine:

More clothing options. If I lose more weight, I will be able to fit into smaller sizes and have more choices on what to wear.

SELF CONFIDENCE

Feeling less embarrassed when eating out somewhere.

HEALTH. A large part of me always feeling shitty is my diet and lack of proper vitamins and nutrients.

Prediabetes. I don't want to be like my mom and papaw and have to poke myself multiple times a day nor be reliant on insulin.

FINAL THOUGHTS

The main things I can impress upon y'all:

Build sustainable habits. If you don't think you'd be able to do it for the rest of your life, maybe rethink the habit before it becomes too set in stone.

You're gonna fall off the horse sometimes. You're gonna cheat, you're gonna make slip ups. And that's okay. Don't feel guilty, don't overrestrict or punish yourself for it. You're human, and you're trying, and that's okay. You can only do as much as you're able to right here and right now.

It's a hard and long road. Getting healthy and fit isn't going to be a breeze in the park. This shit is hard, especially if you're building new habits from scratch. But you got this. YOU CAN DO IT.

You HAVE to want this for yourself. No one else can want it for you. It has to be on you and you alone.

You're gonna find people wanting to sabotage you, as horrible as it sounds. Sometimes people feel threatened when others attempt to better themselves, because that person or those persons know they wouldn't put the time or energy into doing so themselves. And, unfortunately, some of those people are your close friends and family :/

TRY NEW THINGS. FAIL AND KEEP GOING. I have tried so much shit in the last few months, and some has stuck, some has not. I have learned I do not like a lot of vegetables, and that's okay. I also make taco salad (from 'scratch') at least two to three times a month. What works, works!

You are going to bloat A LOT when you start amping up workouts. Your body holds extra water and nutrients for up to FOUR WEEKS after you start exercising or start a new exercise routine/build up on your existing one. This is to repair your muscles and joints as they grow.

Scales like to lie, and they won't tell you how much water weight you're holding. And yes, you will be able to tell you're bloated. I never knew of bloating until now and sometimes shit fits weird when I'm majorly bloated. It SUCKS

Measure yourself. Your stomach, chest, waist, hips. All of it. Keep it. It'll be amazing to see how much you've changed eventually.

I actually would LOVE to keep making posts like this. But, here's my current progress:

I am a little under 270 lbs, unsure of how much as I am starting and trying new exercises, as well as my new job being HELLA more active than my old one.

I do have more processed stuff in my diet, but i do try to balance it with healthier food, too. Budgeting is.... hard.

My blood pressure tends to run 110/70 now.

I hope this helps someone out there.

My heart rate has gone down from 100+ bpm, to now it's at 60-75 bpm.

I also drink diet soda now, usually one a day.

#weight loss #weight #nutrition #health #health and wellness #wellness

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