#but I can't think or act that there or else I'll sabotage myself...

[lychello]

Headcannons on Dean Winchester falling for a male hunter reader, and how he would go about asking reader out?

-🪿

romance headcanons | d. winchester

pairing : dean winchester x hunter male reader

wc : approximately 450

a/n : hi i actually get so underwhelmed when people don't mention mentally ill character's mental illnesses in headcanons and especially when it comes to love so i'll take this question into my own hands to add some headcanons about it myself :3

content warnings : referenced trauma, dean's mental illness, anxious avoidant attachment, self sacrifice

at first dean doesn't comprehend that he likes you in a romantic way. sure, he's been comfortable around you for however long it's been since he developed feelings for you — but he doesn't process that it's romantic love.

in the first stages of crushing he finds himself gradually becoming weirder around you — his jokes start to get messy, his appearance becomes well thought out, and he reacts a lot more strongly to any of your joking flirts.

for months on end, after he realizes, he constantly acts hot and cold when talking to you. if you made him feel too much the first day, he'd distance himself the second subconsciously; then he'd return a day later because he misses the sound of your voice, or your random informal mannerisms he'd began to pick up on himself.

that doesn't mean he doesn't try to make it up to you. he always makes sure that you're okay, fed, happy; far more than anyone else he feels comfortable around.

a lot of the time when dean thinks about you, it's an overwhelming trip — most of the time ending up as a self sabotage attempt to save you from everything the world has already ripped away from him — "you can't get close to anyone because everyone you love is always lost" that's his mentality, even for hunters like yourself.

when it comes to dean being in love, it's not an easy trip either. it takes a lot for dean to actually feel the emotion that is love; and when he does, it's full forward, but it is a gradual process for him.

after he comprehends that he should in fact ask you out, you'd find him reciting lines into his mirror over and over again, trying to perfect any line that comes across as blunt, discouraging, or even a turn off.

when it is time for him to actually confess his love, he can't really do it; at least not directly. he's been in denial about it for so long that he knows to say it directly is to ruin everything. he doesn't want to ruin the friendship you already have so he waits... and he waits... and he waits again...

eventually you notice and realize you're going to have to come forward yourself.

you do, and for sure he's excited. moreover he doesn't believe you at first, but you welcome him with open arms into vulnerability and he takes every chance at it, even if it is hesitant. because you love him —and he loves you more than you could ever live (or die) to understand.

[tacticaldiary]

Cut From The Same Cloth

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Reader

Genre: Angst

"We're cut from the same cloth, you and I." She snarls, knuckles turning white at the grip she has on his vest. "You'll never settle for anything that won't destroy you because that's just the kind of person you are!"

Masterlist

Cool, crisp air cuts away the stuffiness of the bar as they step out into the alley.

"The hell were you thinking?" Simon hisses, yanking her away from the back door. "Running your mouth and startin' a fight like that outnumbered?"

"I could've taken them." She argues stubbornly, ripping her arm out of his grasp. Blood drips from the corner of her mouth, a bruise blooming over her jaw.

"Five to one?" He stares at her in disbelief for a second. "Bloody hell woman, are you hearin' yourself?"

"I don't need you patronising me." She snaps, dabbing at her lip with the dirty sleeve of her shirt. He runs a frustrated hand over her head at

"You're hell bent on being destructive-"

"Don't act like you're any better." She glares. "Don't play a fucking saint, Simon."

"I'm not the one starting fights I can't win."

"You're just as self sabotaging as me! Smoking, drinking, mixing yourself with people like me-"

"I wouldn't be with you if I didn't fucking want to." He warns, and nothing about this is warm or kind. Teeth bared and words sharp, the tension between them has been rising for the past month.

"Oh don't make me laugh." She scoffs. "You'd find someone much better if you could stay away from me, if you didn't keep crawling back."

"Watch it." He warns.

"We're cut from the same cloth, you and I." She snarls, knuckles turning white at the grip she has on his vest. "You'll never settle for anything that won't destroy you because that's just the kind of person you are!"

For a moment he doesn't react, letting the words she'd uttered etch themselves into the marble of his mind, resolute and honest.

Because it was honest, wasn't it?

They aren't good for each other. Late nights in each other's rooms, the sweet nothings, false promises...the rough scrape of hands, furious words and shouting. Seeing each other take someone else home after fighting. Not acknowledging it the next day, falling into the same sickly sweet, vicious cycle.

It's killing him, poisoning him in an addictive way he can't help but give into.

Destructive.

"And you're fine with that?" He grits out, grunting when she shoves him away.

"Yes, I'm fucking fine with it." Grim satisfaction and...and pride laces her voice. "This is...I live for this, Simon. This is for me. After weeks of structure and following orders, getting blood on my hands for work? Letting myself go feels so fucking good." Something sour curls in his stomach.

"We're not supposed to have a conscience." A shake of her "Keep your head down and pull the trigger, right? This," She gestures to the dingy alley, gestures between the both of them. "-is my trigger. And I'll fire as many rounds as it takes until the guilt washes away."

Her eyes are wide and earnest, and like a train screeching off the rails, a realisation dawns on Simon, breathing down his neck and twisting a knife into his gut.

He can't save her.

Not from this.

Not from herself.

A year of this back and forth, of relying on something as crumbly as hope.

Hope? Funny. When did he start believing in something so childish again?

The chink in his armor stitches itself up, solidifies into something sturdier than the brick wall she tore down to worm her way into his heart all those months ago. It was a mistake. Encased in iron and the new revelation, Ghost lets the silence hang.

The air shifts as he straightens to his full height. It's noteably enough, because the small, exasperated smile of hers slips into something more wary, the hair on the back of her next standing up while she waits for him to speak.

"You want to fuck your life up, be my fucking guest, sergeant." Ghost says.

Sergeant?

"Fire at will." Cold and callous, words sharp and to the point. "But you'll no longer be doing it from the task force."

A beat of silence.

"The fuck I won't. On what authority?" She scoffs, but the statement isn't as confident as her monologue prior.

"Mine. Price will have your discharge papers on your desk by Tuesday-"

"So this is some sick way to what? Blackmail me into staying with you?"

"I don't need you."

"Could have fooled me-"

"I don't need you." He repeats, narrowing his eyes. "Doesn't matter what I fuckin' want. I want a lot of things, doesn't mean I need them."

It's for the best, he tells himself. With how she was acting, how unpredictable she was right now she'd eventually get herself shot and killed on the field.

When, not if.

And as much as Ghost wants to walk away and forget he was stupid to let anything but shallow camaraderie grace his life, he can't stomach the thought of leaving this loose end, of being presented with a pair of her bloody dog tags instead of her smile one night.

Her indignant, angry shouts echo across the grimy alley bricks, nasty, low insults about his character, about how he's insane, how he's selfish and petty.

Setting his jaw, Ghost lets himself have one last pass of her. Rakes his eyes up and down as if trying to commit her to memory one last time. Just as she looks about ready to take a swing at him, he turns on heel and leaves her there.

She can hate him all she wants. Hate him, despise him, loathe him. He's used to it, it won't put a dent in his defences.

Hate was better than destructive indifference.

Reblog, Like and Comment!

(10/12/2023)

[manari-archives]

emails i can't send fwd: masterlist

note: some of the stories are not inspired by the entire song and only a couple of lines or verses.

001. emails i can't send | CS55

It's times like these, wish I had a time machine So I could see what you did And thanks to you I, I can't love right I get nice guys and villainize them

002. Vicious | CS55

You're lucky I'm a private person I've quietly carried your burden, and Everyone thinks you're an angel But, shit, I would probably use different wordin'

003. Read your Mind | MV1

To think that we could be casual You're not my friend And, baby, you never were Why the fuss if you say you just wanna be mine?

004. Tornado Warnings | LH44

I'll drive you home ,You drive me crazy But that's not gonna stop me I'll call you out, You call me "baby"

005. because i liked a boy | GR63

Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice All because I liked a boy You said I'm too late to be your first love, but I'll always be your favorite

006. Already Over | MS47

We been talkin' for hours 'bout how we shouldn't talk for hours on end Kissing after a conversation 'bout how we'd probably be better off as friends

007. how many things | LS18

I wonder how many things you think about before you get to me I wonder how many things you wanna do you think I'm in-between I feel myself falling further down your priorities And I still make excuses for you constantly

008. bet u wanna | DR3

When you don't have control of who I'm holdin' Is it feeding all your fears? Bet you miss me, bet you're reminiscin' I bet you hate the way that you said goodbye

009. Nonsense | MS47

You said you like my eyes and you like to make 'em roll Treat me like a queen, now you got me feelin' thrown, oh I think I got an ex, but I forgot him

010. Fast Times | LN4

Couple days in, I call you "baby" Three stories up here contemplatin' But what the fuck is patience Give me a second to forget I ever really meant it

011. skinny dipping | DR3

But both of us, we'll be thinking about how different we are From those scared little kids that had those Arguments in your garage All the ways we sabotaged it What it was and what it wasn't

012. Bad for Business | LH44

We look good in photographs, I like the way you like to laugh At dirty jokes, I know they'll always land Used to get to work on time, but now you're taking up my nights Never been so glad to be so tired

013. decode | MV1

There's a weight off my shoulders now that I don't chase you Being myself, did that emasculate you? Learning from you that I can walk away too

014. opposite | CL16

Oh so you do have a type? And it's not me Oh so you can reply? Just to not me So y'all are in Paris now? Guess it's public Face like that other girl,You're in love with

015. Feather | CL16

Your signals are mixed, You act like a bitch You fit every stereotype, "Send a pic" I got you blocked, Excited to never talk I'm so sorry for your loss

016. Lonesome | GR63

If I fall in love with all my problems, will they leave me too? Well maybe I believed in all your lies, 'cause I believed in you Why were you somewhere else when you were next to me? I know, you know, it keeps me up

017. things i wish you said | LN4

When I saw you cry, I didn't handle it well Without you here I don't know what to do with myself I hope you know it scared me to death The night that your sister said that you got in an accident

[spookyxsprinkles]

🍦 Freezer Burn [oneshot]

todoroki touya × gender neutral and poc friendly reader.

-> not safe for work // 6.3k words // AO3. -> warnings: angst, break up, arguing, crying, touya has an avoidant attachment style, dialogue heavy, poor communication, nipple biting, oral, possessive, fingering.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Don't be so melodramatic. We weren't even dating," Touya said, taking his keys out of his pocket.

"I--I know but... you know what I mean."

"What do you expect me to say?" He scoffed. "That I'm sorry? 'Cause I'm not. I don't want this."

"Liar."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." He opened the door of your apartment and walked out towards his car.

 "You think I don't know you're pushing me away on purpose?" You follow him out, not caring that you had different shoes on. "As much as you like to pretend you don't care, I know you--"

He interrupted you with an angry laugh, before turning to face you as he reached the sidewalk in front of his car. "You must be delusional if you think you have me all figured out. Don't tell me what I feel. You don't fucking know me."

His car's lights flashed as it unlocked and he opened the door, standing there and glaring at you like if you had spit in his face. Maybe, in his mind, you did.

"I don't need to know every little thing about you to know that you're lying to yourself because you're afraid."

"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before? Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart," his hands trembled with fury.

You visibly flinched at his words.

You knew he was right. You were acquainted with him through mutual friends for quite some time before getting physically involved with him. You knew of his non-committal self-sabotaging tendencies. You knew, but it didn't make his words hurt any less.

A flash of guilt flickered in his icy eyes but it disappeared just as soon as it came thanks to the scorching heat of his emotions. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, trying to keep your voice steady as you spoke quietly with stinging eyes.

"Maybe I'm not special, but at least I can be honest with myself. Which is more than you can say about yourself."

He threw his hands up in the air, laughing. "Real cute coming from you. I'm not the one that's so desperate for attention I start writing sappy love stories in my head. Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."

He moved to get in his car, so you took a few steps forward which was enough to catch his attention and stop him from getting in.

"You were just as lonely and desperate for attention as me when we first met, Touya. You parade around all day acting like you don't care about anything, you can't feel anything, but if that was the case you wouldn't come back. You always come back home."

It was a slip up a few months ago. The two of you were out with some friends at a karaoke room and he said he wanted to go home. You never brought it up to him, but he could tell from the way you nearly choked on your food, that you heard him. Since then, every time he heard the word 'home' he'd think about that moment and regret letting himself drink enough to forget his common fucking sense.

And now you had acknowledged that it was a real moment that actually happened when he'd much rather shove the memory away and pretend it was something someone else said. Someone not him.

You stood a few feet in front of him, sniffling and staring down at the tires of his car that he had taught you how to change and fill with air without you asking him to.

"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met. You never do anything you don't want to do, but you kept coming back." You wiped your nose, ignoring the feeling of the hot tears spilling down your cheeks. "Even now, you're still standing here, talking with me instead of leaving. If you didn't care, you would have already left."

He froze as if you had pushed the pause button on his anger. He stared at you intensely. The only sounds breaking the silence was a dog barking at sirens in the distance and your sniffles.

He hated that you were right.

"So what?"

He got in his car, slamming the door in anger and started the engine.

He buckled his seat belt and turned in his seat to look through the rear window as he slowly backed out of the parking space.

You panicked, suddenly shoving your upper body inside his open window.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He hit the breaks immediately, causing you to flail as you lost your balance and he swiftly grabbed your arms to keep you from slipping and busting your head on asphalt.

"W--We haven't finished talking..!" You gasped, feeling your heartbeat pounding in your chest. "If you leave now, you'll only feel worse later!"

He simply stared at you in disbelief. His mind was screaming at him to get the hell out of there. The only thing stopping him from flooring the gas pedal was the fact that your legs still dangled helplessly outside of the car as you struggled to get inside.

You looked ridiculously stupid as you clung to the window with a tear streaked face. You also seemed so determined…

"Get out of my car," he snapped. "Right now."

He released a hand from you and moved it towards the handle of the door, but you caught his wrist with your hands.

"No," you said as firmly as your grip on his wrist.

His eyes watched as you continued to struggle to balance your body on the door comfortably. He had no idea what your endgame was here.

"You're fucking crazy."

"I love you, Touya," you gasped out. "I'm in love with you and I know you're afraid. I know you've been hurt before. I know you hate everything that's happening right now, but I can't let you leave like this." You tried wiping your eye by rubbing it against your shoulder, before looking back at him.

"I won't force you to stay with me and I won't force you to share things you don't want to share, but I also won't let you run away without us properly talking things through. If we're gonna break up then I don't want to let it end with that as one of our regrets."

He hated that you weren't giving up on him so easily.

Touya stared at you as you spoke. You were so calm and reasonable in spite of the ridiculous position you were in. There was no anger or irritation in your voice, just sincerity and...

He let out a deep breath in an attempt to stay calm.

"That's very big of you," he said defensively. He was always so defensive. "Trust me, it's better this way."

Your eyes studied his face before you decide to take the plunge and vocalize the thoughts that had been swimming around in your head recently. "Is it better or is it just the easiest way to avoid your feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection?"

You watched as his eyes widened a minuscule amount that likely would've gone unnoticed if you hadn't known him for so long. You could feel the flames of his rage from the way his face contorted, his mouth opening to set you ablaze.

Your hands slipped down from his wrist to hold his hand gently in yours, your thumbs resting on the back of his hand.

Your grip was loose. He could easily pulled himself free if he wanted to.

But he didn't.

And that's all you needed.

"I've seen you be blunt beyond the point of just being rude to others and to yourself. You have standards that make it easy for you to look down on those who don't meet them yet even the ones that do fit them get pushed away. You easily say whatever's on your mind, unless what's on your mind risks leaving you vulnerable."

Your thumbs delicately drew circles into the dark marks on the back of his hand that were uniquely his. A sad smile marred your face as you continued to speak.

"I'm always watching you, always listening." Your eyes looked up into his, persevering through his gaze that scorched anything he deemed a threat. "You'd rather be alone than feel alone."

He was speechless as he watched you speak. You read him like an open book. A book he routinely burned whenever someone poked and prodded in a pathetic attempt to get closer to him. How had he let his fire get extinguished so easily? How did it not burn you like it did everyone else?

Like it burned him.

Even he was unable to escape his own flames unscathed.

The fantasy that played in his mind's eye was one where you patiently stood before him as the smoke cleared. His eyes stung and his breathing hitched at the thought.

He sighed deeply, looking more tired than you'd ever seen him before.

"I was serious," his words and tone contrasting with the heavy look he carried on his face. "You're wasting your time if you expect me to tell me what you wanna hear."

You shook your head, "I'm not asking you to say it back. I don't need words when your actions mean more to me." I bring his knuckles to my lips, pressing a soft kiss before looking into his eyes, "Besides, if it's time you're worried about, I wouldn't mind wasting it together."

His entire body reflexively ached to leave at the display of vulnerability, yet he couldn't tear his eyes away from you.

Words escaped him as he stared back into your eyes with a confusing mix of fear and hope swirling in his icy blues.

He swallowed hard and finally spoke, "So, all this time," he started as he gathered his bearings, "you've been watching me like some kind of weirdo?"

"Of course," you laughed softly. The movement set a jolt of pain to your abdomen that reminded you of your current position. "Can we go back inside and talk? My stomach hurts from hanging out in your car like this..."

You hissed as you tried to remove yourself from the car. It was definitely gonna leave a mark. He waited until you moved back to the sidewalk before he parked and got out.

"I didn't tell you to jump through the window like a maniac. Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

"Desperate times call for--"

"Dumb ass fucking measures?"

"Yes, precisely. Glad we're on the same page."

He rolled his eyes as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, walking back to the apartment. "Masochist."

"Sadist."

"You know the door was unlocked, right? I was gonna show you 'til you started manhandling me."

"Never let them know your next move."

"So, just dangle like an idiot and hope you don't get run over?"

"I'll admit I'm not good under pressure."

He snorted as you opened the door. He just realized you had chased him out in different shoes. Desperate times, indeed.

"Anyways," you continued as you shut the door behind you and removed your shoes, "You liked it. Thought it was super cool and hot when I was flailing around like an idiot."

"Yeah," he said genuinely, catching you off guard and nearly causing you to trip over the entryway step, but you caught yourself against his arm.

You looked up at him with hopeful eyes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he repeated sincerely, his eyes staying on yours. "I did."

You swallowed, feeling your eyes prickle with tears as your mouth gaped at him.

He pinched your cheek.

"C'mon," he said as he walked away from you and further into your home to take a seat on the couch. "Let's do this talking thing. We can watch a movie after or whatever..."

You couldn't see his face as he walked away but you could hear his uncharacteristically breathy inflection and stiff tone when he spoke. Was he feeling nervous? Shy..?

The fact that he was the one trying to get the conversation started rather than avoiding it made your chest bloom with warmth. You had expected him to come up with other things to do first in order to put off the awkward and uncomfortable feelings for a bit longer.

You hopped over to him with a blindingly bright grin, sitting near him on the couch to give him some space for this conversation. However, he pulled your body closer to his so that your sides were pressed up against each other. He wrapped an arm around you while you leaned against his chest.

"So..." he started and you could hear something akin to timidity in his tone so you hugged him, letting your hands affectionately stroke his sides. "I'm shit at feelings."

You wanted to laugh at his blunt word choice but didn't want to come off as mocking and discourage him from speaking. "You are not shit at feelings. You seem to feel things quite strongly. We just need to work on helping you feel more comfortable with letting them out in a healthy way, rather than boxing them up and defaulting to avoidance."

"So, I'm shit at feelings."

"If you say that one more time I am going to bite you."

"I'm shit at-- what the fuck!"

"You were warned."

"My fucking tit--"

"Not my fault it's so chewy."

"I'm shit at-- don't you bite me you fucking animal. Hear me out." He had pinched your cheek again to stop your open mouth from it's impending attack. "I'm shit at this. I know. Don't… laugh at me."

Your eyes softened and you brought your hand up to cup the one he had squeezing your cheek. He released his hold on your skin but you kept it held as you let it slide down to your lap.

"It might feel a bit awkward for you but I promise I won't think less of you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate that you've been trying."

"'Been trying?' I've done jack shit."

"No, you have done 'shit'." You reassured him as your fingers drew circles into the skin of his hand. "You came inside--"

"I always come inside," he smirked.

You bit him again.

"What? No complaint for me this time, Touya?"

"I deserved it."

"Masochist."

"Sadist."

Your lips pursed for a moment as you tried to remember where you were.

"Ah, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," you glared at him playfully, "You've already shown me that you're trying. You came back inside, initiated our talking time, and you're participating, too. I know emotional stuff feels hard, but I'm really, really proud of you."

He let out a 'tch' in jest, before leaning down to whisper into the side of your head. "In case you forgot, I also listened to you while you tried playing leap frog on my car."

"Very true, but I didn't forget. I didn't want to include it since I was practically holding you hostage at the time."

"Hostage?" He laughed haughtily, "If I really wanted to leave you I would've ran you over."

"Why is that strangely sweet..."

"'Cause you're a damn masochist. Get help."

"This, coming from the sadist..." The room was quiet as I rubbed his chest lightly with one hand. "I was really scared you were going to leave earlier, Touya. Like, for good."

He clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, opting to listen since he knew she probably had more to say on the matter. And she did.

"I was afraid that I scared you off by talking about-- about whatever menial domestic thing it was we were talking about before. I can't even remember what it was." You clutched his shirt without thinking as you struggled to remember what could've been the catalyst to losing the person you loved.

"Toilet paper," he stated after a pause. "You read about some sale at the store and were talking about how we should go before the weekend so we could stock up. Then you mentioned wanting to buy me strawberry ice cream."

Silence.

"It all sounded so permanent, so easy to you." You could feel his body tense as he struggled to force himself to speak. "Seeing a future where we go grocery shopping for toilet paper and you buying me something. Something that'll sit in the freezer waiting for me even when I'm not around. Something just for me." His last words were barely a whisper.

Your mouth felt dry, it made sense. He had a hard time staying in one place for too long if it felt like he was being smothered or expected to do things he didn't want to do. Your apartment was no exception, even if he clearly spent more time here than any other place.

"Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart."

You felt a cold ache in your chest at the thought of his angry words from earlier.

You told yourself they were just that, angry words. If they were true, would he have bothered to come back at all? No. You knew Touya was good at lying and even better at emotional warfare. It's how he protected himself. He hadn't done it to you since before the two of you were friends, back when you were just another random person trying too hard to get to know him. Today was the first time in years he had said something that caused you to feel bad about yourself.

You would need to talk about it with him later. Right now you wanted to hear him out, so you shove the memory away for now. You can worry about it later.

As painful as it was to hear him speak of his troubles with having a place to call home, you were grateful to him for really trying. Really, it was incredible just how far he's come already. You always knew he was a fast learner if he wanted to be and this meant so much to you. He had never let himself get this vulnerable with you before.

You wanted to tell him something in response but why did it have to be now, of all times, that you couldn't find the words to speak?

You forced yourself to swallow and nodded at him in encouragement. You didn't want to cry and risk him getting cold feet about the feelings thing. You didn't want him to think this was a mistake and that you couldn't handle the truth, because you could, you just felt deeply for the inner conflicts that took place inside of his head. His fears, his happiness, his efforts... it all meant the world to you and it was really getting to you.

You quietly cleared your throat and with a hoarse voice said, "I can see how that would have caused you to react the w-way that you did."

You mentally cursed yourself for the way your voice broke pathetically mid-sentence. "Sorry about that." And you were. You knew he got flighty over things like that but in the moment I just wasn't thinking.

"Hey, don't wimp out on me now." He pinched at your cheek again. "If I'm gonna bare my damn soul or whatever the hell, you sure as shit better not hold out on me. If you gotta get weepy, then get weepy. I'll save the laughing for later."

Your lips trembled at his words and you can feel your face crumple as you bury it into his chest and wept.

"I was so scared I lost you, Touya."

He stared down at you, committing the sight to memory.

His carelessness did this.

He pulled you in closer to him and placed his cheek on the crown of your head. A little while later you calmed down, sniffling and apologizing for accidentally turning his shirt into a tissue.

"Sorry, this is really embarrassing," you sniffled out with a stuffy nose.

He took in the sight of your puffy eyes and runny nose, before looking away. "S'whatever. I know you, too, you know. That thing you said earlier? About you always watching and listening? I do the same shit with you. If being a crybaby helps, then do it unless you wanna be shit at feelings, too."

Sniffle. "We're both not the best at handling our own feelings, huh..."

"An understatement, in my case."

"It's good that you're acknowledging the areas where you could use some improvement." You say as you reach up to cup his cheek and kissed the corner of his lip. "You're doing so well, Touya."

The way your thumb gently rubbed the pale skin of his cheek while you looked at him with honey in your eyes made his chest ache.

"You--" he swallowed as he held your gaze, "think so?"

You nodded and leaned in to press another kiss on his lips. "I know so."

He felt that familiar urge to run away when shit got too personal, but he yearned for more of the pure warmth you offered to his cold, sorry existence.

"I can't promise to always be better. I'll fuck up. I know it. Just don't give-- don't give up on me."

Sharing feelings was embarrassing, painfully so. At least, that's what he told himself to explain the lump in his throat when he struggled to say the words out loud. His hand moved to your thigh and squeezed it, "I'm stubborn but I don't want to fuck this up. When I fuck up, I'll need time to get my head out of my ass."

You felt like crying again seeing how desperately he tried to let you know he wasn't going to always be good at the communication, but he wanted to be and he was trying.

"I'll sit in the freezer waiting for you."

"I-- what? The hell?"

You laugh softly at his dumbfounded expression. "I'll be the ice cream sitting in the freezer waiting for you. So, don't worry about having to rush the process. Do your best. I believe in you, Touya."

He stared at your face for a moment.

"You have low iron. The freezer would kill you."

"I'll be fine 'cause you're always warm."

He once again felt that familiar ache in his chest that he usually got around you. "Wait too long and you'll get freezer burn."

"Are you saying a little freezer burn would keep you from eating your favourite ice cream?" You paused when you noticed his amused expression. "Okay, I walked myself into that one."

"Yeah," the corner of his lip twitched as his eyes darkened. "You did."

"Hey, I know that look. We need to finish talking first-- T-Touya!"

He grabbed your legs, flipping you on your back against the couch with him crawling over you.

"Don't you wanna reward me for doing well so far?" He asked in a low voice. You whimpered at the sight of his heavily lidded eyes looking down at you, amused with your flustered face.

"W-Well, positive reinforcement is a good way of encouraging good behavior, so yes we can, but you have to swear we will talk about this right after-"

He expertly rolled his hips against you, making you gasp. "I'm feeling pretty encouraged right now. You can feel it too, I bet."

You definitely felt it.

He kissed your lips as he removed your bottoms, pushing the backs of your knees as far against as he knew you could comfortably take, exposing the entirety of you in your underwear.

"I swear," he licked a slow stripe against the fabric before pushing it to the side and staring hungrily at your flesh, "on my god damn dick, we'll talk right after I make you come at least four times."

"F-Four?" You could feel his thumb teasing you as he swiped up and down your flesh.

"Five now," his lips wrapped around your sweet spot. He sucked while rubbing his tongue against it at the same time, making your body shudder.

He needed to make up for making you cry so much today.

Your hips bucked against his face, then his fingers.

"So fucking eager after all that talking, huh?" He gave a lopsided grin as he licked the taste of you left behind on his lips. "Yeah, we're definitely talking more often."

He soaked his fingers with the bottle of lube he liked leaving between the seat cushions for times like these. You felt one of his slick fingers tease your tight hole.

"Tell me who fucks you better than me."

"N-No one!"

"Weak shit. Say it again."

"You're the only one who fucks me t-this well!"

He slowly pressed his finger in, the stretch making you sing. He took his time prepping you before inserting another finger and moving in and out of you. He lapped you into whines, working his hand at the pace he knew drove you wild. You cried out praises for him, which he liked almost as much as he liked fucking you to tears.

"And who does this hole belong to? Who owns the rest of this pretty body?"

"Y-You do, it's yours, Touya! It's all yours for you to use as you please!"

You felt your legs trembling as he kept his hands busy with fucking you. The coil inside of you tightening as he vigorously pumped and sucked.

"T-Touya..!" You voice broke as you wailed.

He smirked, feeling satisfied at how fervently your hips bucked against him. You were a needy mess and he hadn't even stretched you with his fat cock yet.

Soon.

"It's mine. You're all fucking mine." His head dived back in and you felt yourself on the precipice of-

"Yeah, you're not special sweetheart."

You shook your head and looked down at him as he looked up at you. He sucked you hard, making your back arch. You were so close.

You stared through half lidded eyes, throat already sore from the sounds he'd easily pulled from you. You tried to focus on the view of him pleasuring you with expertise. Your was mouth open as you shut your eyes and leaned your head back against the couch. You were so close.

"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before you?"

You grit your teeth.

Now was not the time for this.

Your eyes shut. You forced the memory away from the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter right now, you'll tell him how you feel about it later.

Now wasn't the time.

Later.

Later.

...

"Fuck!!" You felt Touya pull his body away from you. "Did I not hear you say the safeword!?"

You opened your eyes and Touya's blurry face had moved from in between your legs to kneeling on the floor beside where you laid on the couch. You blinked your eyes and wiped them with your hands. Oh.

You were crying again.

The realization brought more tears and you looked over at Touya who stared down at you fearfully.

"Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."

"Hey, what--" his voice cracked.

Your body shook as you sobbed into your hands.

A sinking feeling had found it's place in his stomach. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't-- I didn't hear you-"

"T-That's not it." Your voice muffled by your hands and your stuffed nose as you continued to sob. "The sex was consensual the w-whole time."

He looked down at you confused. Relieved that he hadn't hurt you in that way, but stressed since he didn't know what happened to you. His chest burned with anxiety and it made him feel restless. He grabbed your throw blanket and pulled it over you, which you used to hide your sloppy face as you tried to calm yourself down.

"Touya," you cried quietly and he stared down at you frozen with fear.

It was him.

"Tell me what I did." He knew he'd fuck up. He just didn't think it'd be this soon.

You didn't want to hurt him. You wanted to protect him but how could you protect him from the very words he spat at you in a desperate rage? Not speaking up about your own feelings fully and pushing them aside for someone else's sake is how you got here in the first place.

You needed to practice what you preached.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said to me."

The parking lot. He already knew. He hated himself when he said those things and he hated himself now.

It was only a matter of time until he'd ruin things here.

You saw him grab his phone from the floor before standing up and walking across the living room. It must have fallen during your activities.

"I'll text Toga to come by. I'll stay until then."

"Don't go."

"I shouldn't be here."

"Because you hurt my feelings?"

"Yes!" He snapped. "This isn't masochism, it's straight up fucking delusional if you can't see the problem with me staying."

"You hurt my feelings," you sniffled. "It's going hurt whether or not you leave. Stay and talk with me about it."

"This talking shit clearly isn't working. One second you're telling me I fuck you the best then suddenly you're crying in the next. I already ruined whatever we could've had before it even started. We already know how this ends, so don't waste your time."

"If you leave then we will know how this ends." You sat up on the couch, clutching the soft blanket like a lifeline. Your voice was firm, but not enough to cover your soft determination. "You're hurt and so am I. So, sit with me instead of running away. Leaving things the way they are now is the sure-fire way to ruin this."

His jaw tightened as he stayed where he was.

"We talked a little bit earlier, but the issue just now wasn't your fault. It was mine-"

"You're not the one who said all that nasty shit to the person you-" He turned away and glared holes into an innocent plant. "It's over. We're not even fucking dating and it's over." He ran a hand through his hair and laughed.

"You did say horrible things, but I kept brushing off my feelings. We talked a bit earlier, but I still had feelings left unsaid." You stood up, the sound of your feet padding against the floor behind him made him stiffen. You stood in front of him, with your arms loosely crossed on your chest. "How are you supposed to know that stuff was still bothering me? It's not like you can read my mind."

"Don't be fucking dense."

"I seem to recall us wanting to work things out. You told me not to give up on you, remember?"

"Before I realized I traumatized you by saying a bunch of shit!"

"You didn't traumatize me, you hurt my feelings. There's a difference."

"You know the reason you had 'feelings left unsaid' is 'cause I basically mounted you before you could finish saying them, right?"

"No, that's not true and don't demonize yourself like that." You reached for his hand that was balled into a fist at his side, but he pulled it away.

He wasn't worthy of your compassion.

You frowned but didn't let it deter you. "I said it was okay --and before you say anything-- I wasn't coerced into it, either."

His eye twitched at her already knowing what he was going to say before he said it.

"You tease and mock, but you've shown me time and time again that you respect me and my body. You waited until I gave consent and I know that if I didn't give it, you would've let it go and let me talk about my feelings instead. You didn't take advantage of me. I disrespected myself by not prioritizing my own feelings. That's what the main issue was here."

"You said you couldn't stop thinking about what I said. It's my fault, they were my shitty fucking words."

"I'm not trying to say your words weren't a part of it, they definitely were, but I know you were just... saying what you could to put distance in between us."

He sneered, "Is that what you're telling yourself? Doesn't matter why I said it. Intentional or not, lies or not: it still fucking hurt you." His lips curled bitterly as remorse stained the cool blue of his eyes. "It'll be what you think of when you see me from now on."

You took a small step towards him, careful not to invade his personal space but enough to momentarily satisfy your need for physical closeness. Your need for the comfortable heat he offered to you as you both stood together in silence.

"I won't lie..." You started.

He knew that you never lied to him. Your stupidly sincere approach to interactions with him were probably what got him wrapped around your finger in the first place.

He did wonder if you ever lied to yourself about him, though. It'd explain why you let him stick around even while knowing he was a jackass.

He also recognized there wasn't any actual weight to that way of thinking. If anything, the times where your feelings felt so real outweighed those paranoid thoughts of his. Sometimes he'd catch you looking at him. The sweet honey dripping from your eyes at him doing fuck all felt so raw that he'd panic and have to leave for a while.

Whenever you smiled at him, even the soft little ones, you beamed bright enough to burn him to cinders if he let it. Lately, he had found himself simmering under your heat longer and longer, letting himself get singed by you.

Seeing you fidget with the hem of your top snapped him out of his thoughts. You were still in your underwear and it reminded him that he'd burned you. Not with the heat of patience and kindness that you regularly thawed him with, but with flames full of his own agonizingly self-sabotaging wrath.

"I won't lie," you repeated after taking a couple seconds to gather your thoughts. "I'll probably always think about what you said."

He already knew it yet it still made him hate himself more.

"The same way you'll probably always think about it, too."

You sweet, merciful, stupid fucking angel.

"Stop."

"No. You need to hear this."

"Just fucking stop."

"Don't interrupt me, Touya."

He glared at you in irritation as he clenched and unclenched his hands in an attempt to keep himself grounded. Mentally and literally. If he ran away now, you wouldn't be able to share your thoughts. He owed you that and so much more.

"It's something that effected the both of us and it'll change the way we are, but we don't have to let it change us in a bad way. We can use our hurt to help us grow." You said while looking at him with eyes full of hope. "We won't forget it happened and we shouldn't."

"We-- you--," he stammered. He could see the patience in your face and logic, feel the tender touch of your words. He was concurrently immolated by your steadfast mercy and by his venomous wrath. "We need to end this before you get hurt again."

"'Before I get hurt again'? I am going to get hurt again. By you, myself, or some other thing. It's what happens as we live and grow. The difference is learning from it. This is our 'before', and if you let us, we can work on moving on towards our 'after'."

"You know how ridiculously optimistic that sounds, right? Stupidly sappy, too. You really think it's as simple as that?"

"Can I hold your hand?"

He blinked in confusion at the randomness of the question but gave a small nod. You took ahold of it with both of your own.

"We both know it won't be simple. We both have baggage and hurt we'd need to address if we want to be something. It's going to be really hard, but if you stay I know that we'll both put in the work to reach our 'after' and every 'after' after that."

He stayed silent as he took in her words. You really saw--

"--Lots of 'after's, huh?" He quietly spoke as he tried to drown out his nerves with a teasing tone.

He looked at you with hopeful eyes that brought a small smile to your face.

"Lots of 'after's. I am your ice cream sitting in the freezer, remember?"

He'd scoff if he hadn't just gotten the wind knocked from his lungs.

You raise his hand to your lips before pressing a little kiss on the scars on the back of his hand before tugging it gently so he'd follow you to sit back down on the couch.

"I'm not eating freezer burnt ice cream."

"Hey! That's so mean…" you pouted. "And wasteful. You're way too picky of an eater, no wonder you're always grumpy."

"I'm fucking with you."

"Oh, I know. I'm fucking with you, too."

"Sadist..." He affectionately played with the shell of your ear while resting his cheek on your head. The gesture filled her with elation as they sat in comfortable silence.

"Look, I'm..." he started, struggling with his words.

"I know."

"I shouldn't-- I shouldn't have said those things earlier."

"I know."

"You didn't deserve it," his voice was softer.

"I know," you wrapped your arms around his firm torso, squeezing a little tighter.

"You're clingy. What're you thinking? Don't skimp out on me again, I wanna hear all the ugly shit, too." He lightly pinched at your cheek, "This shit ain't gonna work if it's one-sided. Start talking."

You smiled as he pressed his lips to your forehead.

"Okay, Touya."

[yet-another-autism-blog]

Okay I think I need some advice because I'm not really sure where to go from here

Last fall, things with my roommate started to fall apart. I started noticing things that seemed harmless, maybe weren't, especially as they became patterns. What started as a joke about me, as the extrovert friend, helping him be more social, became him getting upset anytime I left the house without inviting him or assuring him I wasn't doing anything fun. And if I did invite him but he couldn't go, I wasn't allowed to go either. He would find things wrong with any friend of mine that he did meet, reasons I shouldn't be friends with them anymore. He got especially upset when he found out I'd gone on 2 dates with a guy and didn't tell him or let him meet the guy.

The last straw for him was that I went to a movie with my sister and we didn't invite him. I didn't know it was such an issue for him because he never said anything at the time, it wasn't until months later that he told me that I had traumatized him by excluding him.

I only found this out because a friend of mine told me that my roommate was on Twitter, claiming that I was abusing my dog. When I asked him about it, he confirmed that he knew it was a lie, but he it was justified because I had traumatized him by excluding him from the movie.

In this tweet, he was also seeking advice and financial support in kicking me out and taking my dog. So obviously I couldn't safely stay there anymore and the house we were living in was owned by his father so I had no lease protection. So I had to find somewhere else to live quickly.

The only place I had was to move back in with my mothers who had since moved out of state.

I lost everything because of this. My friends, my community, a job I enjoyed, the chance to finish my degree and pursue my dreams, I was only one year away from graduating. On top of that, my mothers aren't okay with me being trans, alternating between believing I was brainwashed and that I'm choosing to be trans to make them look bad.

I have until the end of summer to decide what I'm going to do next. I can either move back to the city I'm from or get an apartment here.

If I go back I'll need at least one roommate and at least 2 jobs to get by. But I have a support system there. There's opportunities for me to meet people and make friends. Or even just things to do in my free time.

If I stay here, I can get an apartment by myself with just the one job I have now. But I have no support system. There are no opportunities to meet people. And I won't be able to continue progressing in my transition (name change, top surgery, etc).

It's unlikely that I can go back to school no matter what I do, and I can probably say goodbye to the idea that I'll ever be able to become an actor.

I know I struggle to work one full-time job, so needing 2 jobs will be very straining but having no friends, or community, and nothing to do in my free time is also incredibly damaging to my mental health.

Obviously, this is a choice I have to make for myself, I'm just having trouble telling if the instinct to stay here is just an act of self sabotage. Or if there is something to the fact that this whole thing cost me everything and him nothing, call it karma or whatever you want, but maybe he's right. Maybe I'm harming the people around me in a way I can't even comprehend, and it's better for everyone if I stay here where I'm isolated and can't hurt anyone.

[scarabjewels]

This Quick Vulnerable Therapy Essay:

The Words That I Tried to Find Everywhere Came From A Video Game Series I Last Saw when I was in 5th Grade

God of War.

And it came from the most unexpected character.

I remember having heard of God of War from my rich classmates in 5th Grade. They had a PSP, and the first image of the game I ever saw was Medusa('s "assets").

Probably one or two years later, I found the game again in one of a movie collection of a pirated DVD. It was around 6 hours of cutscenes. I sat on it on a weekend, and I still don't remember much. All I remember is that Kratos killed the Gods of Olympus out of revenge for killing his family ( and it turns out he was tricked into killing them, like that Hercules story). I was a mythology fanatic, so obviously I really liked it.

I remember the game having really good enough quality, and I also found Kratos extremely terrifying. I was used to reading and watching mythology depictions that were way too cruel for a 9 year old. But I guess I was...weirdly smart at that age, I didn't glamorize it or felt sometimes of negativity toward it, I just understood it thoroughly. But Kratos SCARED ME because he had no humanity, even for a God or a wounded soul. He had no mercy at all.

I forgot about all of that and continued to grow up. I made a lot of mistakes and lived with fear, guilt, and shame. I would be self sabotaging everything with my actions, and most were of my awareness, some were out of undisciplined defences and others were small undesirable acts that pile up into a bigger boulder for me to bear. I went through my worst for a good amount of time. It worsened so bad that it did physically affect me. Body dysmorphia, worsened pathological lying, self-harm, self abuse, and more that I could not share. It bled through me and everyone around me.

I would lose new friendships in only a few months, extremely attached or immensely distanced, and unable to enjoy beautiful moments.

Now, I watched the cutscenes of Kratos in Valhalla, literally a compilation entitled "Kratos' Therapy".

I can't compare my suffering to his, but some of his statements were relatable to me.

I dont want to spoil too much of the game, so I'll keep it short. He shared the story of the boat captain, of He slew a hydra by the throat who had eaten the boat of a crew. Somehow, the captain survived. Mimir (whom he was telling the story to) asked why he remembers this captain so significantly after having killed thousand, Kratos, with the tone of a war veteran, recounts how terrified the captain was, and in relief as he thought Kratos would save him. Instead, he took dropped him to his death, and "it was all for nothing.". Kratos replied that he was an innocent man Kratos bore no hatred towards, but he had killed him anyway. "To be so casually cruel..." those words were so powerful to me.

I do think a lot of us had at some point was at a point of seeing ourselves do something we do not like, and when we do it long enough, we start to drop down into the abyss of it all. We start to lose sight of who we are and what we are doing.

Kratos' final scene are all of the words I wanted to say to myself but could never formulate into words. Yeah, that's coming from a writer.

"What can I say to you? I remember how it felt to take the throne. All that it meant. And all that it did not. A God of war... a God of pain. Of suffering. Of destruction. The Norns said I chase a redemption that I know I can never deserve. What does that make me? God of fools. A God of... hope. "When all else is lost..." You lost everything. And everyone. And you became... There is no forgiving you. You chose... I chose. What now? Should I, this same man, should I sit? Take? Proclaim? Lead? Place myself in service? In service. Should I... lose everything and everyone... will there still be enough left inside so that I do not become you? I do not know. But I have hope. You are cruel, and arrogant, and selfish. But... you are more than that. You have always been more than what others saw. You are more than that."

Kratos confronting his younger self in the Valhalla DLC

Full scene can be watched here:

See, a literal God of War forgives himself and reclaims the throne as a God of Hope. He literally killed (brutally too) beings, people, and in a lot ways, his soul. If he could forgive himself and be happy, so could any of us (well I still do not condone 'violating' people though, even Kratos and the OG Greek Mythology Ares do not condone such actions, remember that). I do implore people to seek help, and I do think once you do that, as said in The Alchemist: "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

Kratos wanted change, and he was literally destined for it! Oh man , this is probably the sign for you to romanticize your life, especially for people who want that positive change.

[ask-serendipity-sky]

You're smart, and the only jikooker that spoke up about jimin and the sabotage, and I understand that you want to believe that jikook is real because you remember the past and the way jikook acted, but I want to ask you, do you really think that in these 2022-2023 jikook acted like a couple? don't forget it's the first time they didn't spend their birthday together, you never saw them interacting in person, you don't know if their relationship is the same as before. They only interacted online and jimin always comments members live, he said he loves namjoon and we know they're only friends, so jikook flirting on weverse could be the same thing, they're friends, you can't judge a relationship from some social media comments. Also, didn't you notice that Jk is completely a different person, he is not the same jungkook, he is more greedy, more competitive in a negative way, always on tiktok doing weird things, he wants to be superior to anyone else, do you think jimin can have a romantic relationship with a man with this kind of personality? really? be honest. We know jimin and his family, hardworker people, honest people, we know that jimin admire namjoon and yoongi, the fact they work hard, the fact they're mature. Okay, jimin is affectionate to Jungkook, we know that, but do you honestly think that jimin can have a mature and long romantic relationship with jungkook? try to think about it.

Hello,

Look. Things are always more complicated than what they seem. It's not that I WANT (like I need it otherwise I'll be sad) jikook to be real but I know they are real.

I'm a person that likes to see things to believe them. Evidence-based only, none of this trust stuff.

For a while, I was almost off the jikook ship. Yes the theories are interesting. Their history is beautiful. They have great chemistry...blah blah. But we didn't see jikook together on screen. And when we would, they were weird. So I was about to leave jikook because I wasn't going to be observing something that wasn't there. I didn't want to be convincing myself that things were ok if they were gone.

But then I found people who knew things and showed me things. And I've seen jikook be real.

So even though, we don't see jikook ON SCREEN, I see them. So I'm on the jikook train.

When I stop seeing them and sense that things are over completely, I will be off the jikook train, not because I'm insecure or whatever they call it nowadays but because relationships change and people change. I just have to wait and see.

All the things you are mentioning are being seen from a perspective of someone who refuses to entertain the idea that jikook is still together. Jimin comments on other member's lives but he doesn't say to them what he says to Jk. When I watch Jk's lives, he's still the same Jk as before but now he sings about sex and has revealed his goals in life. He's on tiktok doing what people his age do. Jikook have had a long relationship where they have grown together so I'm thinking they are still figuring stuff out.

We've seen jikook together in the wild in NY and CT and Jimin was smiling in both leaked photos. Doesn't that tell you something?

People will try and convince me and write words but the only things that can convince me are jikook themselves. So I will wait and see what they have to show me. For now, I'm on the jikook train.

It's not about wanting, it's about observing.

Hope that helps.

[studywgabi]

Vagina Insecurities!

This, like any story worth telling, is all about a an adult woman with the sex drive of a 13-year-old boy. It is also one that no one asked for. This is an extreme overshare about my self-esteem, body, and sex life (sex death?), and why I'm still a virgin despite being hornier than a teenage methhead rabbit. Yeah, I want to have sex. Fucking sue me. I want to date, I want to fall in love, and I want to be railed. There it is. Let's talk about it!

I don't hear songs with lyrics like "pussy so good, I say my own name during sex" or "kitty on fleek" and think "yeah, me too. I totally get where you're coming from. This song really resonates with me because my kitty is, in fact, also on fleek."

I hate every part of my body, but especially those parts. My pussy is all lopsided. (There's a sentence that's never been typed before). My right labia minora (my right, not someone who was facing me) is more than twice as long as my left. It's too dark and while I'm all for bell bottoms and Fleetwood Mac, I could do without my thick, PCOS pubic hair (that extends to my stomach and thighs) being '70's style. I'm perfectly healthy and luckily I've never had any kind of infection, but my natural smell is just awful, and whole-body deodorant only seems to irritate my skin and make it worse. I follow all the rules religiously: just soap and warm water, "breathable" cotton underwear, yogurt and cranberry juice, but that's just the way I am. I smell terrible. Not unhealthy, just bad. Absolutely unbearable.

I hate my breasts because they're too small and look like they've already withstood 90 years of gravity instead of just 18. I'm a 34B, which is fairly average and would make sense if I were thinner, but is really unproportional at my weight. I feel like, being my size, I should be a C at least, but I carry all my weight in my stomach and not in my curves. My areolas are too dark, too big, and have these weird bumps on them, almost like acne. My entire chest is covered in dark hair, not just a few pluckable strays around my nipples, but my whole breasts and my sternum, along with every other square inch of my body.

My breasts act like cranky old neighbors in a vicious feud that started as mild annoyance over Left's dachshund always getting into Right's backyard, but escalated into flat-out suburban warfare, complete with brutal rhododendron sabotage. I'm the granddaughter trying to coax them into talking out their differences, but I just can't convince them no matter what I do. They stick out (barely) the wrong way- away from each other and down rather than up and straight ahead like they're supposed to. They're called headlights for a reason, but with these, I'd crash right into the car in front of me and end up totaling both of us.

I'd overshare on the internet about my 2-dimensional ass, too, except there's nothing to say. If you only saw me from the back, you would think I had gone through a car compacter. I am the "before" picture in the commercial for BBLs. I don't have a feminine shape. There is zero difference between my waist and hips.

I would feel so ridiculous in lingerie, like I was an actor in a silly skit. I bought some nice underwear just for me, hoping it would make me feel a little more confident even if no one else was going to see it, but it's just putting lipstick on a pig. Even wearing a nice dress feels so strange and pointless to me, because nothing I do could ever make me look on the outside like the woman I feel like on the inside. I feel like I don't deserve nice clothes and that I can't justify spending time or money on my appearance. I'm trying to move away from that, but it's an uphill battle when everything I've ever heard about bodies that look like mine are that they should be hidden, that they're something to be ashamed of, and that they're completely undesirable. I would like to think of myself as beautiful, and maybe I'll get there someday, but thinking of myself as sexy just feels impossible. I wish my body were my own. I wish my opinion about my body was mine. I wish that I belonged to myself. If you can relate to any part of this in any way, I'm so, so sorry.

I'm a total pussy when it comes to sex (ha. ha. ha.). The thing that's holding me back is fear. I am so, so scared. I'm scared I would get hurt. I'm scared adding physical intimacy into the mix would make a bad breakup a thousand times worse. I'm scared he would tell horror stories about the ugliest girl and the worst lay of his life to his friends, his future girlfriends, for their entertainment and sympathy. I'm scared he would compare me to his past girlfriends and regret breaking up with them. Most of all, I'm scared he would laugh. I'm scared he would see my body and be disgusted but amused. I'm scared he would think of me as a car crash: so horrible you can't look away. I'm scared he would find me morbidly fascinating.

I don't have sagely advice on this one. I'm insecure, and I know I shouldn't be, and I don't want to be, but I am. And it's holding me back from doing something I really (really) want to do. I guess I just wanted to be honest. I may be a crock pot, but if you're patient, I can burn just as hot as a microwave.

[foxymoxynoona]

Hi, HUGE post here!

I am rereading Little Bean after catching up with MM, and there is so much in this that feels so special. I have been in a relationship for 9 years now with who I still feel like (in Little bean JK's voice) is my fated soulmate. But I am so like Sasha. It is so comforting to read a story like this in a way I didn't realize my first read through. A story where people SO like each other and so much is easy (as in compatible and just RIGHT), but true life happens. Of course it does. I don't know how else to say it.

I am at the part in LB where Sasha and JK just got into their first fight, and Michelle is telling Sasha about all the landmines Sasha drops, her evasions to seem "cool" and how unfortunately it works on JK (makes him think she doesn't like him that much because she hasn't admitted it to herself), but also completely backfires on Sasha. And I just want to say I appreciate it. I appreciate that this is a story where from day 1 there is both infatuation and true TRUE connection AND reverberations of trauma both big and small. That there can be both. There IS both, of course. From day 1 to day 193238598923.

I read so much, but this feels like an honest depiction of what a "true fairytale" really is, and it makes me so soft for you, Foxy. Because isn't a fairytale (I mean this healthily, I hope you understand, not excusing toxicity) the want and love and butterflies and ALSO (and! not but!) the acknowledgment that real life is there and traumatizing and will make you act like a brat, make you self-sabotage, make moments toxic. How do I describe it? No relationship is invulnerable to continuously needing work but that doesn't make it not a fairytale. There is no finished fairytale. No "the end" and everything is great. The fairytale lasts as long as everyone wants it to, and as long as everyone is willing to grow together, and no one is actually hurting each other in a way that is truly manipulative and gross if this makes sense — but there WILL be moments of imbalance.

I don't know. I guess my point is this story reminds me of my story [minus the huge break up and sex diseases LOL]. That my story honestly feels like a love story, and every day I am so grateful and amazed I get to be with my partner, but to read someone like Sasha who can be so self sabotaging and so human in all the ways that can manifest (toxicity, sometimes falling on the sword to her own detriment, but sometimes kind of being too mean, or kind of being too judgemental, or kind of being TOO understanding or kind at her own expense, or being petty, or being numb) are things I recognize in myself — but I also recognize in myself (a hard won recognition) that I am someone who brings so much to the table, and I really feel extremely lucky and like a great partner to my amazing husband.

I don't know if this makes sense. Sometimes I feel like a bad person because I can be so grumpy and can jump to conclusions and then I'll tell myself that I don't give my partner enough and this can overwhelm me with guilt. Because my husband won't do anything wrong and I'll just be a brat because I have to still work on being comfortable with stasis. But I try. And he's patient. And there are moments in here where this happens and I'm just like YES. You need to talk about it and communicate, but in real life it comes in waves.

(Jumping ahead to Flux) Reading about Sasha with his family was ME. IS me. Feeling not 100% accepted by in-laws but in a way yes accepted and just trying your best and feeling so worn out and like you need another chance, and then being overwhelmed and like they don't understand the full scope of your personal life but also don't understand your private dynamic with your partner... god. I can't tell you how comforting it is. How not despite everything but because of your writing, I believe in Sasha and Jungkook. it just... feels like, yes. This narrative understands. That people are people and that it's so, so beautiful. I feel so lucky to be with my husband tonight and feel lucky to read your work :)

i'm so glad you're enjoying this story, and all my love for the things you have endured to get to the wonderful person you are today <3

I've been enjoying reading some backlash lately to the trend of so quickly labeling people and situations as toxic or abusive. There ARE legitimate toxic and abuse situations and it's wonderful to have more tools to recognize and escape those and for better discourse around things that are unhealthy in a relationship. But there's also this backlash happening --with fics but also with books and movies and TV shows-- where it's like we get a little trigger happy and too comfortably in binary thinking and are ready to pull the ripcord on people and relationships that are simply flawed and realistic. We're human. We have quirks that some people hate and others don't mind. We have habits that are hard to break. We have needs that sometimes drown our reason. We make mistakes. Sometimes we just don't agree in a relationship and someone takes the loss.

I wanted to capture that messiness of being, and being close to others. It's gnarly even without trauma to process. How wonderful that some people drift through life never bumping into anything or anyone but I suspect most of us do because it's the price of being close without being unthinking, unfeeling automatons. our boundaries with others are fluid and contextual. Our understanding of ourselves and what we need is constantly in flux (hehe). There is a difference between extending grace for mistakes or accepting flaws in a relationship and condoning abuse and some things are clearly in one camp or the other and some things may depend on the people to draw the line. Yes, there's a distinction between a story and real living people, but I think that's one of the best parts of stories, they let us safely watch others and learn more about our own self and relationships.

I try to write characters in my stories who are not just a simple "good" or "bad" --though some may through repeated behavior land themselves pretty consistently on the naughty list with readers-- because I don't think people are simply good or bad and it's alienating and boring to see characters in stories who are. Like I'm so sick of female protagonists who are clearly supposed to be kind of edgy and dark but really they just are a little stubborn (according to the text, but then quickly play along with it's needed for the plot.) Let girls cause problems! Let boys grow! Let people be more than good or bad.

Anywayyyy you wrote me such a long lovely note and it made me soapbox a bit sorry haha. I just very much appreciate you saying you feel emotionally seen by these stories because that was my hope. I know my characters aren't relatable to everyone, I didn't want them to be, but us problem girls can have a moment to hold each other close 🥰🥰

[not-so-secret-poet]

Stupid hedonist fun

Today or yesterday technically, my guitar teacher pointed out the fact I'm a lot more "intelligent" than I let on. He pointed out that I comprehend complicated things faster than others and I made the joke "No, I act ten times stupider than I actually am for a reason!", in a whiny tone. Which is true, I do.

I want things to be easier for myself, I've learned that it's best for me not to think and just whatever. Everything is calmer for me, with fewer expectations and fewer responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, I don't care what others think.

I just want to have mindless fun without being reminded that I can do better, I understand that undermining myself is just a form of self-sabotage. But it's worth it to me, it means I can have fun and do what I want.

This is careless, I know that I know I'm "wasting" my potential, I know I can do better, and I know I should do better, I just don't want to. When has ever "doing better" helped me? It only set me back and shoved unnecessary expectations onto me, it's only given me jobs I don't need or want.

I just wanna be happy without thinking, I'm doing that. It's scary that people won't let me, "You can do SO many things, why do you refuse?" Why won't you choose what I wanna do? Don't put your hopes into me, I will let you down. Not accidentally but on purpose, I can't let you think I'm better than I am.

I won't let you, I'll fight you till the day I die, and even so, I'll still fight when I'm nothing but oxygen atoms. I won't let you do this to me, please hear my cries don't do this. Please just let me be "stupid" and splat my brains on the concrete.

Tell me, I'm nothing, tell me my thoughts are hollow, tell me my ideas are baseless with no effort, tell me you have no hope for me. It brings me solace knowing you'll never understand my wavelengths, I can express my joy knowing you think I'm childish.

Degrade me, be ruthlessly cruel, be aggressive, be explosive, just let me know I've misled you. Let me know if you never learned the truth, please that's all I ask. If you knew you'd never leave me alone, you'd always push your "suggestions" and then brush me off.

As if I was a tool to you, is that what I was all along? Was I just your puppet? Would you let me babble on and tell me it's nonsense? Do you act interested because you think there's nothing else to me? Or is it the opposite, do you think I'm hiding more?

Do you hear my endless whispers? Do you hear my soft sobs? Are you lying to me, just like I lied to you? I am truly nothing more to you, or am I a puzzle you want to solve? What is your end game? What are you accomplishing by praising me?

I miss when I thought you cared, but it's better this way. I learned all I needed to from you, I learned how to keep myself happy. Even if it was from the brutality of your hands, it's good I learned it sooner than later.

You infested my mind for long enough, yet you remain. In the depths of my mind, it's sickening and ironic. Hedonism is all that's left for me, and I think I'll keep it that way.

[keefwho]

September 16 - 2023 Saturday

9:21am

I know whats wrong with me. I have a lot of thoughts and stories in my head dictating my life right now. That combined with how common it is to feel like this on the weekend, it's starting to happen naturally. That and I didn't do myself any favors expecting this weekend to be just like this.

I'm having the thought that my desires are worth nothing and shouldn't be pursued. I'm having the thought that my friends secretly want to distance from me because I'm low key toxic and they know it. I'm having the thought that I inherently cause damage to the things and people around me. I'm having the thought that I am a very selfish person, putting my own needs before the needs of others.

I look at myself from a third person perspective and I'm so disappointed. I know how I am behaving because of how I'm feeling. I may not act as much in self sabotage but I still think in a way to sabotage myself. Which in a sense is still acting on it because I deliberately focus on thoughts that I know are going to twist my mind towards self destruction, ultimately so I can get easy validation from others when they come to help, if they do. Just when I think I had started stopping this cycle, I realize it's only taken a different form. It is better I guess, I went from thinking and physically acting on it to only thinking about it. But thats still very harmful. My mind has a way of manipulating me in a way that I know is toxic to myself and everyone around me.

The question is how to act in a way that discourages this. I can't completely write off the assistance of friends. I just need to be aware if I'm using their help to fill that void of self worth or as a way to actually get better. I already know better than to act on thoughts that serve no purpose other than to reach an unhelpful end goal. I'm better at recognizing those.

The other thing is figuring out how to accept myself when I get like this. It's already hard enough to accept myself when I'm in a better headspace, so right now it seems impossible to see myself in a good light. But the reality is there is a reason I'm feeling this way and as I've learned, all feelings are valid. It only matters how I act while I carry them. The goal is to not let them dictate my behavior, as hard as that is.

10:35am

I'm having the thought that I'm completely alone today and that it's going to stay that way. I'm having the thought that I'm worthless and nothing is worth trying.

My heart hurts and I want to stay in bed all day.

I guess I'm just upset that I'm not getting more attention honestly. As in I have this strong devotion to doing everything I can if I think I can help but I'm not getting that back right now. And it hurts. But I question if I'm asking for too much or if this is an unhealthy desire. I feel alone right now and I wouldn't if I felt like I was cared about in the slightest but I don't today because my calls for help are unheeded. Or maybe it's not obvious enough. I don't know. I'm bitter right now and feel like I can do nothing but wait to see if I will called upon later.

I also hate myself for having all the time and energy to work on things I want to finish but I just fucking can't do it. My terrible mood is stopping me, amongst other mental hurdles.

Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and do nothing before I yet again cause damage to everything.

11:06am

I get it. No one wants me around when I'm like this. All relationships are conditional on me not being a fucking idiot. I have no choice but to isolate until I either clean up my act or die.

I'm having the thought that I am nobody. My entire life is invalid.

11:39am

I'M FUCKING STUPID. I can do LITERALLY anything but I'm stuck deciding on nothing because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong thing, which means I'll miss out on something else. Or whatever I pick won't go well and I'll perceive it as wasted time. I'm afraid no matter what I pick, it'll be wrong and I'll beat myself up for it. But doing nothing is even worse. Sitting here crying about it is the worst possible outcome so picking literally anything would be better. The point of the weekend to me is to be able to do whatever I want for as long as I want with no consequences. It's a time of ultimate play where I can explore things in ways weekdays won't allow. Why can't I fucking understand that.

[rabbitindisguise]

After a couple hours of self reflecting I realized that the kink group I was trying to be a part of was (through no fault of their own) contributing to my utter insanity over the past couple of months

I think the combination of trying to seek approval and emotional flashbacks just made it impossible to function. On one hand, it pushed me to talk about things I was avoiding talking about, but on the other I was avoiding talking about them because the little goblin that lives in my brain wants to sabotage everything I love by making the worst way to say things the most appealing for no reason.

And it's so easy to be like "I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine" that it's hard to notice that I'm losing out on hard won progress for . . . nothing . . .

I don't have anyone to blame but myself for it. I don't know what's worse about that: I could have prevented it and didn't, or that the worst moment of the past three years is connected to me finally being willing to talk about a minor uncomfortable thing that had been bothering me for awhile. And I can't believe I have to be grateful for even a scrap of self control that could have made the situation much worse- I could have lashed out even more, or completely destroyed any amount of respect or chance to gain respect or any affection for me whatsoever, and it's chilling. I have a migraine appointment a couple hours from now and my main focus is trying to pen myself in to not do anything else stupid, deleting all of the advice I got from generic Relationship advice from the internet and reminding myself to never google anything ever again, and just laying in like, paralyzed fear in bed.

And in some ways it finally slotted something into place that I've been trying to hammer home since forever, that if I have something that upsets me and I get clarification and it makes me feel better that's the whole fucking point. That if I trust someone more than anyone else then they're a good person for me to be around. That if someone makes me happy that is a sign that I'm loved and cared for.

I feel like for good long time I've been acting on the script I was being told that I had to do in order to not be hurt. I didn't know any other way to function. Now it's like . . . Instead of protecting myself, I need to protect the people I care about from me. And no one seems to get this. My therapist, my friends outside of people close to me- they're like "oh! You seem fine! You seem nice!" and I don't know what to do to get them to stop saying that. I wouldn't feel like I needed a reality check on what I want to say if I was a nice person. There is evidence that I am not a nice person that people refuse to accept. It makes me worry that my friends are not nice people (excluding, again, Zach who mostly just goes hmmmmmm in a reassuring way) which is the insanity again !!!! Why is my first impulse to think everyone is mean but me?

I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't know how to prevent this from happening. Every time I think I catch it, there's just a worse unexpected problem. I think I'm never going to be done. I'll always be sitting here trying to do the basic normal human person thing of not feeling the dread that something is wrong around me and I don't know what it is.

Having followers on Tumblr, trying to get approval, trying to be acceptable, respectable, to get access to resources from the government, it all makes me insane. There's some kind of undercurrent to everything that's like, if I talk to a human person in person I'm going to explode in private. And it can be panic attacks where I take it out on myself, or being cruel to people I care about, or so many other things, but there's an equal and opposite reaction to meeting people that causes this. I used to get so stressed visiting Zach (don't anymore, now it's a relief compared to Strangers) that I would spend the month after absolutely out of touch with the material plane of existence.

The unfortunate thing is the best solution I have right now is to lean into self directed panic attacks. It's the most effective way to manage things. If I spend the whole time panicking about that, there's no potential to direct it elsewhere. I'm going to have to start inducing one on purpose to get it out of my system after every scary interaction outside my house. And that's insane! It's insane. I'm tempted to not go out this weekend or ever again, frankly. I'm really scared of myself. I don't know how I could ever confuse someone I care about for something potentially dangerous to me, and I don't know why my brain reacts to people like a pathogen or something. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where someone is in a harmless situation acting like they're getting mauled because they're on a lot of drugs, or someone running through fun house mirrors, or getting sedated and confused about the doctors saying gibberish.

It's frightening that I feel like it would be super easy to get stuck in the insanity spiral again as I'm trying to untangle this. Thankfully, something reassuring is that this might just be the Enormity of a feeling I've successfully beaten back many times (fear of my parents), it was just so big it was hard to vanquish. I empathize a lot more with war veterans, I feel like I sort of get their whole . . . everything about stuff sometimes. For now I just know that home is safe, and everything else is Scary.

I am definitely taking a Lyft tomorrow to avoid going on the bus.

[smolskye]

suicide mentions tw and sexual stuff, minors dni

annoying how 17-year-old me who was strung out, depressed, suicidal, bitter and jealous but also severely self hating and self harming, hated their body and basically everything about themself, desperate for an ounce of approval from anyone regarding their appearance and who they were as a person, fucked up my entire perception of sexual and romantic relationships from that point on

the first guy i boned i had no attraction to at all. some people can't separate sex and romance from each other. i'm the opposite. i've completely severed the ties. i can't associate them with each other. the idea of someone being romantically AND sexually attracted to me does not compute, it's gotta be one or the other. i had sex with him because he was the first person who wanted to have sex with me and i thought that would never happen again. i also was honestly almost always a day away from killing myself and i believed that i deserved to hurt, i knew that i wasn't doing a good thing but i didn't care because if it hurt, good, i deserved to be punished for what i had done (something shitty i did earlier the same year). i sabotaged myself because i believed i deserved it.

the thing is i was absolutely thirsting after someone during this time, there was this guy at my school who i REALLY wanted to like me and who i REALLY wanted to fuck, idk if i had any romantic attraction to him, but i sure wanted to be his friend and i wanted him to want me. again, the separation. i didn't think of those two things as occurring simultaneously until....fuck, two years later? when i met one of my exes. i definitely had a romo crush on him and also wanted to bone. but with both of those people i didn't really want to see them. like i've never been with someone and wanted to see them naked, or wanted them to see me naked, it's just always been part of the deal, yknow? even when i've dated women, but then it's less that i had no desire to see them naked, it was more that i thought it would be creepy and wrong for me to want that, and i was also worried that i would get upset over them being hotter than me, so i just kinda shoved it all down and suppressed my attraction to women for a long time. even now i'm afraid of dating women because i'm worried i'll just be too jealous of them for things to work.

my relationship with sexual attraction is so fucking weird. i watch/look at porn all the time, but the idea of seeing and looking at a person naked in front of me just sets off warning bells and tells me LOOK AWAY LOOK AWAY RIGHT NOW. the idea of making eye contact and looking at someone during any sexual situation puts me in panic mode. when i was with my ex and i needed to open my eyes when we were porking i had to look at his forehead or somewhere else. and with the actual sex i would often get bored because it just doesn't really do anything for me. other people can't make me bust via sex or oral, so four or five minutes of boning just isn't worth it, and even when it was longer i still didn't get much out of it. like the best thing about it is knowing that i was making my partner feel good, i personally didn't get much.

so, i don't want to look at my partner, i always keep my eyes closed or look in other directions, the idea of being seen naked freaks me out, and i can't bust. what's the point of me even having sex? does it do anything for me or my partner if they might as well just be fucking a doll? i don't even make a lot of noise because again, i'm not feeling much! i like being choked and i like being shoved down so hard i can't breathe, and that's it. then there's just tons of prep and cleanup because i'm small, my partners have all been tall/big, and sex is gross. what's the point of trying? it'd just be disappointing for me and the other person. i get horny ALL THE TIME, i whack off almost every day, i think about the act of having sex and go wobbly eyes emoji, but then reality sinks in and i remember that the actual great experiences i've had have been few and far between. i want to be touched, i don't want to be seen or heard. i want to Feel Good without ever opening my eyes.

i just feel so broken and wrong and it sucks. i wish someone could fix me. but i don't think any of this is fixable.

[rotemmi]

10/04/22

I feel like I'm *this* close to having a fucking breakdown. Why did I open my mouth? Literally, everything was fine I should have just kept fucking quiet. I don't know why I sabotage every good thing that happens to me. I just want him to love me. Like actually love me. That can't breathe, dying to hear your voice love me. Why can't I just be normal and content with what I have? I hate myself so fucking much like god just take what you get and don't complain. I say as I fucking complain.

He's not responding to me and I get it. I wouldn't respond to me either. But he makes me feel so fucking crazy. I'm so desperate for his attention that it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like a child begging for a piece of candy.

One of the issues I brought up with him is he's so good at placating me. He's great at de-escalating situations so I don't think about them until the same thing happens again and then I freak out again and the cycle repeats itself. It's been like this our whole relationship. And if I keep pressing the issue like I did tonight he acts like a kicked puppy. I hate to say this, but man up. Just argue back. Defend yourself. Do anything. Just stop fucking saying "it's fine" and calling me dear and love over and over again. We're having a serious conversation stop trying to mitigate my feelings.

I don't know what else to say. I'm going to go to bed now. I'll update you tomorrow when (re: if) he texts me back.

See ya,

Emmi <3

[zephyr-together]

I GOT AN EMAIL SAYING WELCOME TO ROUND 1 AND ORIENTATION IS TOMORROW AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[baddiefairy]

I know we're all immature in our own way, we have different areas that we need to improve on within ourselves and that is what I'm working on myself, I want to have self-improvement and emotional growth to do when it comes to committing into a romantic relationship.

The problem often begins when I found relationship grows closer and I'm leading to confusion. I'd love this guy, for I am such a blind to see how my words might affect him. I name-calling, insulting, and belittling him. He said that I'm a superior in the relationship like a more dominant person in a setting, does my sassiness upset him? I am aware that I doesn't take the time to hear him, I does not acknowledge his feelings, opinions, and thoughts. I acted it's not important to me at all because I usually dismissing and invalidating his feelings. I can't believe that I was being vulnerable or trusting in someone else. I'm sorry for not takes the time to see his perspective and amplifies his voice, I don't know if that's a defense mechanism for me because I don't want to get hurt... but yes, looks like I disrespected him. How I wish I could turn back the hands of time and relied heavily upon him. Sorry if I have a high level of trust issues, sorry that you have to witnessed all my episodes of anger, sorry if I have trouble forming or committing romantic relationships and why I'm explaining these shits of mine to you all? But then, sorry for making myself unlovable in so many ways.

Since the breakup happened and still getting a chance to talk to him, because I am a sappy moron that wants to know if he still loves me. I'm seeing all the key signs that he is not into me anymore. Like he doesn't cares me, he is ignoring me, and avoids me. It really hurts. Whenever I got the chance to talk to him he's rude. Is it because he doesn't love me anymore? But wait, did he really loved me? He tries to humiliate me, he's prone of cracking jokes, I can’t even remember the last time he treated me with respect because I felt he's acting a complete asshole. Because now we broke up, of course respect is no longer serves. I know I always has the power to walk away from the situation that no longer serves me, but I just can't and I don't know why, what's not clicking? Before, I'm still crying for him but now? I'm still sad but I did have a progress, I can already sing the line "Ain't got no tears in my body~" with all my heart with a frustrated manner, because there's no tears left to cry and I think we're now quits.

Maybe for my belief that if he really loves me, whatever I do even if it's not good, if he really loves me, he would never leave me. I'm really afraid of abandonment, worrying that my partner will leave me and I purposely sabotaging relationship once I begin to get close to the other person and frequently push him away, because I'm testing him, now I got the result. Maybe being too much may actually leads everyone into doom. I know I am enough. Maybe for being ain't afraid to speak my mind to him, for being comfortable to expressing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions... I forgot that limitation exists. I'll only share my complex inner thoughts with people I'm close to and that's him, he is my first ex-boyfriend and best friend. The truth is I trusted him wholeheartedly without thinking twice because he let me feel that he deserves to be trusted. I really do regretted it when we broke up but right now seems I don't care, some of those memories may not be worth keeping after all.

I shouldn't be acted this way like my world collapses. I wanna go back to the way I used to be. When the commitment is not really an option to choose. When I know who I was, because I forgetting who am I. That I'm the only one responsible for my own happiness and wellbeing first and foremost. I'd always like put people first. I care about people, but I have fear of sharing a close emotional or physical affection, especially to my family and of course there are often limits to how vulnerable I'll allow myself to be. I understand other people emotions and feelings sometimes. I tries to expand my knowledge and learn something everyday, knowing that everything and everyone has something to teach me if I remains open and humble. I believe in everyone's uniqueness.

I know I am a woman who is unapologetically in love with what I do and who I am. I wanted to go back living a life that is focuses on my journey in alignment with my purpose, goals, and values. I'll never give up again what I loves just to be with a man. I don't want to compete with her girls anymore, I'd realized that it doesn't feel the need to compete with other women, I understands that all women are beautiful in our way, there's no need living for male validation or compete for love and attention. I don't need a man to complete me. It's better to have loved and lost. Happy endings are nice and all, but we know they don't always last in real life. Up from a past that's rooted in pain I know I will rise. Sometimes, the happy ending is just the start of a larger story that ends with someone. I'm now working on myself and become a healthier, more mature, and emotionally aware person... hope I'll be much better off in the long run for it. He will always be the best thing that I have set free.