#but still. my mental health is. what it is. and i have trouble functioning at the level that people expect i guess despite that privilege

[lapeaudelamemoire]

Wrote my one-page summary of academic achievements etc. for the reference request my temp supervisor asked for.

In writing these cover letters or the like I am always dumbfounded by how little it accommodates for trauma or independent study. I have an unni (older female Korean friend) who, because of her C-PTSD, is unable to continue studying despite greatly wanting to, and has trouble managing to continue her life just in day-to-day life. I find it so hard to 'sell' myself when there are huge gaps of years in my life where I have been able to do little more than struggle through what I don't know how to 'market' or 'package/present as a strength' in these academic or professional arenas. When you ask for my life experience so you can write me a reference, what do I write? 'Survived multiple sexual assaults and rapes'? 'Daily attempt to overcome my PTSD as a result of a near-deportation experience'? Do people understand how much or how many years these things can debilitate you?

Like I know plenty of people walk around with these things having happened to them and still somehow function while going to school and whatnot, but I couldn't, and still have trouble doing so. I remember being coaxed to go back to school by my ex-best friend in secondary school after all of that had happened in my teenage years, but I just couldn't. How do I explain the black hole fog that has consumed me for so many years while trying to sell myself as a functioning, profitable member of society?

Some of us die after things like these happen. I don't know how to say my greatest achievement is still being here in this sort of academic context, or that of my life experiences these are huge and heavy but I got through them and these are what have shaped and continue to shape me, and are the lion's share of what has taken up my life. If I add them up the number of years that these have taken up number at least half a decade (literally just counting one event/per year).

And I did work some, just very early on - Benjamin Button'ed the whole thing. Worked at 15 (does that count as child labour lmao), worked till I was 17/18. I haven't done volunteer work or busted my ass getting a sparkling CV because for most of that time I have just been trying to survive (mostly done while and through reading/studying, to make sense of it, etc.). 14 - dropped out of school bc of what happened at 13 (first sexual assault). 15 - second sexual assault. Still went to intern at an international magazine press. 16 - third sexual assault. Started working as a shop assistant. Still finished my iGCSEs. 17 - sexual harassment at work while at a bar/bistro, went on to do waitressing elsewhere instead. 18 - went to Norway to study and did that full-time for 2 years. (Wanted to work but couldn't find a job since I didn't speak Norwegian fluently enough. Had to be counselled about this, actually.) Graduated at 20. Went on gap year at 21 while actually also doing Open Uni - then had that near-deportation experience. Immediately went into researching unis anyway at 22, only that because of uni start times and visas I didn't start till I was 23. Learned Polish by myself in that time. Studied full-time without a job because if I can focus on just that, why not? And I graduated anyway, having finished my coursework early in 2.5 years but the graduation ceremony was after summer hols. Started this degree at 26. Will finish this year after 1.5 years, only extended beyond the one year because of their fuck-up (which they acknowledged!) in a unit my first term. The only pauses I've had between studying were because of start times. And if we didn't have to work, would we? Is it not alright to spend the time trying to make some sense of grief, or to study on your own? If someone said to me their greatest achievements included recovering from PTSD once after the things that happened to me in my adolescence that would be the most important thing I would note.

So much of my life and what I've really done and profited from have not been done watched by anyone or institutions. All the years I spent reading and studying by myself on things that I rarely find place to talk about. If I add up the years I've done plenty in studying - I just never got a degree for any of it.

It's not like I've done nothing. I just haven't done it societally-conventionally. I don't want to have be 'forgiven' for not making myself work when I didn't and don't have the bandwidth for it. Isn't it called studying full-time? Why am I supposed to also work on the side? Why can I not study by myself in that time on the side (which is what I have been doing)? Why do I feel ashamed or this need to explain myself? Fuck.

[miley1442111]

hi!!!!! I love your writing so much, and I loved insomniac, and i was wondering if we could get some more aaron and insomniac reader? I just thought it was so cute!!

thank you ml!

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treatment plan (part 1)- a.hotchner

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a/n: thank you so much for requesting, I love this series (as a fellow insomnia girly)

summary: aaron oversteps and it starts a fight.

pairing: aaron hotchner x insomnia! reader

warnings: angst, discussions of insomnia and feeling 'different' because of it, mental health, crying, no happy ending, aaron is an asshole, fighting

part of this au:

insomniac

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Aaron didn’t always know what to do in these situations. He’d never had trouble sleeping, he was lucky like that. He realised very early into your relationship that he was lucky. He didn’t stay up for the simple fact of not being able to sleep often, he wasn’t worrying constantly about whether or not he’d get enough sleep to function the next day, he wasn’t brought to doctor after doctor only to be told the same thing time and again. “Sorry, we can’t help you,” or “No one here specialises in that,” or, his personal least favourite; “You can’t be helped, sorry.”

He knew he was lucky he didn’t have to go through the things you did. He didn’t have to worry about what insomnia would mean for his future health, what not sleeping would do to his body. 

You weren’t lucky. 

Every night was a battle, ever since you were a kid. You’d kick and scream, and even now, often you’d end up in tears. It was awful, and incurable somehow, at least in your case.

Yet, Aaron didn’t want to stop looking for a solution, and that’s how you ended up sleeping at Penelope’s place, your eyes red-rimmed and puffy, and a dumb rom-com on the TV. 

Fuck him. 

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4 hours earlier. 

Aaron walked into your shared home with his briefcase in his hand. You’d gotten off work an hour ago and come home to cook dinner. You were in the kitchen.

“Hey baby,” you smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck as he walked in. He pressed a soft kiss to your lips, then smiled down at you. 

“How are you?” he asked, but everytime he asked, there was another question underneath it, one he’d stopped asking because it would always end in a fight. ‘Did you sleep?’ 

Aaron had left early that morning, and he felt good when he saw you asleep in your bed, and he was as silent as humanly possible while getting ready, so he’d hoped he hadn’t woken you. 

“Fine,” you nodded, going back to your cooking. “Work was boring, but Lucy’s leaving so we have to go to her farewell party on Friday- if you’re around-”

“You have the sleep test on Friday night honey, we can’t go, remember?” 

You sighed. “I cancelled it. I can always do it another time.”

Aaron was in shock. You’d cancelled the appointment? The appointment that was there to help you, to help you feel better. “Why would you do that Bug?”

“Because Lucy is one of my best friends, plus it’s not like the sleep test is going to work, so it doesn’t matter,” you shrugged and Aaron felt his blood boil. 

In recent months, you’d become what he would call ‘complacent’ with your condition. You saw it as accepting it. After years of being told you were incurable, why should you search for a cure? They were the professionals, and you’d seen more than 60 doctors about this, in your entire lifetime. That didn’t bode well with Aaron. He would fight to the ends of the Earth for you, and he planned on trying to fight this for as long as it took, but that would only work if you were fighting too, which you weren’t. 

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself. “We were on that waitlist for a year Y/n.”

“I was on that waitlist for a year, and I decided I don’t want to do it anymore, it’s my health,” you shrugged and served him up his plate. “Now tell me about your day.”

“We still need to talk about this,” he scolded, sitting across from you at your kitchen table. “You just decided to stop treatment?” His eyes were darker than usual, his signature 'negotiating stare’ trying to make you feel small. Not that Aaron himself was trying to make you small, just that you always felt… different when he looked at you like that. Strange. 

“I don’t know why you can’t grasp that I’ve accepted my condition?” You scoffed. “You don’t need to worry anymore, maybe this will be good for me! I’m always so worried, and so are you, even Jack notices it for fuck’s sake! My insomnia has controlled my entire fucking life, and I’m sick of it, so yes Aaron, I decided to stop treatment,” you weren’t exactly shouting, but you weren’t calm and collected. You were at your wits end, completely. You hadn’t slept in two days, you were bordering on exhausted, and you planned to take one of the sleeping pills you had, (even though you’re slightly allergic), an allergy medication, and sleep for 15 hours straight. You were very happy Jack wasn’t meant to be back from his cousin’s house until at least after 4pm tomorrow. 

“That sleep study is the closest we’ve ever been! Why would you cancel it? I understand you’re frustrated-” he started, but you cut him off. 

“You don’t understand Aaron. You don’t understand. How could you? When you go to sleep, it’s simply that, sleep. To me it’s so much more, so much anxiety, so many negative thoughts, so much awful shit, so many shitty sleeples nights since I was a fucking kid! And you don’t understand that, and I'm not asking you to, but I’m asking you to accept my decision over my body Aaron. I can’t deal with this anxiety anymore around something as simple as sleeping. I feel like I have no control anymore, so this is me taking back control Aaron-” You felt yourself welling up with tears. His face was set in stone, silently judging you.

“There’s better ways to take back control of your life Y/n-”

“Tell me!” you shouted. He stayed silent. “Exactly.”

“This isn’t healthy, you’re going to hurt yourself more Y/n,” he cautioned and you scoffed, a sick smile on your face, bred from your frustration and desperation. 

“Aaron, what more damage can I do to myself?-”

“I don’t want to wake up someday and have you not remember me!” He shouted. That was low. You were terrified of memory loss diseases like Alzheimer’s and Dementia. 

You stared at him for a minute, small tears pushing past your ‘emotionless’ exterior. “That was low Aaron.” 

“It’s the truth.” 

“No it’s not, it’s your truth. Don’t mix that up,” you cautioned. 

“Am I not allowed to be worried about my fiance?” he asked, but in that stupid condescending voice that made you want to smack him. 

“Aaron please just stop,” you groaned, looking down into your food. This was going to turn into a lecture. This was going to break you. You were right on the edge, hanging on by a thread. And Aaron cut it clean with his next words. 

“You’re being selfish.” 

You blocked the rest of his speech out. Selfish. You were selfish. Selfish was silently crying so he could sleep. Selfish was indulging every single one of his stupid sleep tests and doctors even if you were in pain and exhausted. Selfish was being poked and prodded by doctor after doctor that he brought you to, in hopes of finding a cure. Selfish was hiding your condition’s worst parts (migraines, mood swings, anxiety, memory loss,and everything else) so he wouldn’t worry.

Right, you were selfish. 

You got up and grabbed your jacket, keys, and phone, and you left the house. You ran into your car, Aaron hot on your heels with his booming voice screaming over you, pushing you further. Your car was cold, thus the pleasures of Washington. You shrugged it off and started driving, Aaron was trying to stop you, you didn’t let him. 

Fuck him, he was the selfish one. 

You drove to Penelope’s without another thought, just letting yourself cry. You couldn’t let this condition define you anymore, and you won’t let it define your relationship either. If Aaron didn’t understand that, maybe he wasn’t the right one. 

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With the shitty rom-com over and Penelope heading for bed, you made your makeshift bed on the couch, and tried as hard as you could to sleep, but you ended up just thinking about it all, all night long. 

What a great Friday night.

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criminal minds masterlist :)

navigation for my blog :) (criminal minds, obx, the bear, marvel, top gun, the hunger games :)

criminal minds taglist :) (message me or comment to be added :))

@princess76179

@khxna

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. The main reason is that I am very homesick. I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I'll be okay, okay

I once promised someone that I would stop self-harming. They are no longer in my life, but I kept the promise anyway. There are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face. I'm keeping this promise for myself, now.

[theeio]

If u have the time could you pls give us ur jim analysis based on this post im very interested in hearing it

headsup for some heavy mental health talk:

so my interpretation of jim, and the reason why i drew him the angsty way i did was because i looked at his character in ToA from like, a mental illness metaphor perspective. i dont think(?) it was ever the showrunner’s intention to do that, but its just a personal way i viewed it bc i saw and felt a lot of his struggles between the lines of the series.

like in episode 6: Win Lose or Draal- where Jim thinks hes going to get killed in battle, writes letters to his loved ones, cooks a last meal for his mom, felt and acted like was the last day he was going to live. Claire interpreting his letter to her that he was talking about having “internal monsters” and “being in some kind of trouble” didnt help much as well AHAH

jim hiding so much from his mom, that one shot in season 1 episode 12 or 13 where he hides the damage on his arms from the goblins behind his back-AHHHHH

and dont get me started on the bathtub scene in A House Divided like idk what the showrunners were thinking doing that but okay i guess😭 that one made me sob on the floor like TWICE

and Jimhunters-god that really felt like your life being altered, and seeing everything in a much darker lens when going through depression. the first time i watched it and when Jim ran to the school rooftop i was legitimately horrified and scared out of my MIND but thank god they didn’t go much beyond that. STILL. thanks for the heart attack 😭😭😭

so back to the tags on that post:

i never liked a hero w a thousand faces because of how chaotic and exaggerated everything was but i guess its because it was different parts of jim split and personified.

but i guess it just messed me up seeing that episode again and having Hunter Jim, the highest functioning one out of them all being the one hunting HIMSELF DOWN, one by one. it really felt like a lot of self loathing going on, and he literally was looking to “kill” other parts of himself, and then the Real Jim as a whole. sorry that was jumbled up and a lot but it was what made me go like

thats kinda the gist of how i saw some moments of Jim’s character back then, and i guess it explains why so much of my art leans towards angst and that hurt comfort, because of all those interpretations i had going on in my head. it was rough a couple years back and this series helped me to reflect and process a lot of what happened and the feelings i had, through Jim. it was a like a safe little sandbox i could toss around in and it genuinely helped so much in healing :”D!! so yeah its more of a personal take, but hope this answers ur question?

ty for sending this ask!! hope you’re well💖💖💖

[reimeichan]

I was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD well into my adulthood. The many years of undiagnosed ADHD has a major source of my trauma, and I hate it so much.

I know a lot of people think of ADHD as a silly, quirky disorder. Someone with ADHD has trouble sitting still, has focus issues, has short term memory problems, etc. None of this sounds like anything so bad on the surface.

What people often don't see is... how people like me are treated.

(tw child abuse ahead)

Growing up, I was often punished and berated for things that "normal" kids could handle. I constantly forgot my homework, couldn't get the executive functioning to start on projects until the last minute, would be so hyperfocused in a book that I would miss dinner, be unable to sit still long enough to practice piano, etc. And each time that happened, I would be punished for it. Hit, spanked, yelled at, grounded, belongings destroyed... it was constant, daily punishment. It felt like I could do nothing right. Pretty much all of my punishable actions could be tied in some way to my undiagnosed ADHD.

It was genuinely awful and I have a lifetime of trauma from that. I'm scared of even shaking my foot when I'm by myself in my own room, I feel guilty for spending any amount of time reading or playing video games. I beat myself up for my lack of executive functioning. And my parents never, ever tried to help me learn those skills. All they did was try to beat those "habits" and beat the "laziness" out of me. And tell me that "all kids experience that, you're just making excuses" (I now know that ADHD is often found within the same family, and I highly suspect at least one of my parents to have it as well to the point they normalized their own experiences).

I can genuinely say that many of my mental health disorders (the DID, the depression, the anxiety, the suspected NPD, and anything else I've missed) can all be tied back to my undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD, and all the trauma that came with that. Hell, even into adulthood, I struggle more with my ADHD symptoms than I do with anything else. If anything, the other things just further exacerbate my ADHD struggles. It genuinely sucks.

This isn't to say I find all aspects of my ADHD bad. I genuinely enjoy the hyperfocus (when it's hyperfocus on something I actually want to hyperfocus on). I think the way my brain jumps from topic to topic, connection to connection, has made me more creative than many of the people around me. And it's very much a part of me that makes me kind of uniquely "me". But also... I know it's such a big part of my trauma history that to try to paint it as this positive thing in my life would be a lie.

But yeah. I wish we talked more about how traumatizing living with ADHD is.

[snowleopardcrk]

“What a sorrowful end for you…But, I can fix that. I’ll put you back together, crumb by crumb...”

“It’s so…Cold…So, cold…It’s so…Empty, and cold… Where am I…?”

Of the Dreams Beyond

A Revolutionary Garden rewrite

After her near death experience when attempting to flee, Moonflower Cookie found herself in a void where the ground was embedded in little stars. Each little star was a fragment of a forgotten memory, by the convincing of a serpentine creature, Moonflower Cookie traps herself in a time loop she believes to be real.

Characters - OCs

This is a list of the notable characters within this AU, these are the Cookies you can ask questions as well.

Moonflower Cookie: We follow the story of this AU through her eyes. She’s the daughter of Pure Vanilla Cookie and White Lily Cookie and was baked before the Dark Flour War, yet her constant illness along side stress and anxiety in her childhood would form the present distant and colder self. Yet, could this forefront of her be entirely caused by her childhood experiences or could there be other factors at play?

Sweet Dream Cookie: She’s the spouse of Golden Cheese Cookie and has been for a very long time. She holds many mysteries and unanswered questions about her origins and her long life span that seems to match Golden Cheeses (she might even be older than Golden Cheese). She is still unconditionally loving and caring towards GC and her Kingdom (taking great care to study the kingdom, history and current events).

Snow Leopard Cookie: She is the apprentice to Crunchy Chip Cookie himself, after finding the little Cookie in the snow he took it upon himself to raise and train her like his own. The apprentice is nothing but dedicated towards the Dark Cacao Kingdom, but also finds great joy in cramming herself into tight spaces like crates or empty cabinets when off duty.

Sea Bunny Cookie: Though a later addition to the story, they function as a buddy towards Moonflower Cookie. Taking it upon herself to aid Moony in the health department (mental health specifically), keeping a close eye on her and to ensure her safety when possible. Sea Bunny Cookie is an upbeat and cheerful fella with a bombastic amount of energy and compassion for whatever they may set their gaze upon.

Characters - OCs

These are other OCs that you cannot ask directly but appear in the story.

Cloudy Pyrite Cookie: She’s the youngest daughter of Golden Cheese and Sweet Dream, she is very hard to keep up with and is quite impulsive with a dash of brattiness. She is always scurrying about trying to always do something to the dismay of Sweet Dream who can have trouble finding her sometimes if she’s trying to multitask.

Overseer / the Thousand Eyes: The serpentine of the abyss, it is a creature that looms around Moonflower, it’s presence unknown to everyone else in Moonys life. It is a creature of many contradictions yet no clear story on its anything, it’s intentions still unknown.

"Everyone has described to me what kind of joy and warmth one feels when your child is in your arms... Why cannot I feel warm? Its just, cold...She's no stranger, she's supposed to be my child."

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Notes: Moonys voice claim comes from this video, both English and Japanese https://youtube.com/shorts/I6h-EmnqOps?si=dlHvkZmJJ_4OMXhb

(The girl in this video has an absolutely amazing voice) To be honest, I am excited for this rewrite <3 I've been working on it for a while (like, a month or two by now I've been planning).

Just to be warned, this stuff gets dark.

[coffee-master]

Did Kai ever scare the Ninja more than Nya ? This would be the moment where they realize that "Yes, they are related"

Normally Kai is chill going and doesn't scare any of the enemies or ninjas. However there are moments when he can give you chills. Exactly three.

1. When one of his siblings is in danger.

When Nya or Lloyd are in danger, would be capured or something. Kai can turn into true devil. There's no mercy left and he'll do anything to protect them. Literally when his siblings are in danger his big brother sense turns on and Kai can become a terrifying monster. Let's say that tose who he considers as a danger or enemies should start writting thier testament

Basically:

[Kai gets kidnapped]

Kai: *is totally chilling*

Kai thinking: *Ok, where are my cards to poker..?*

[Nya/Lloyd gets kidnapped]

Kai: *big older borther mood activated*

Kai: *is ready break someone's bones or even drown them in the lake*

Kai shaking the villain: Ẅ̶̨̛̩̺͚̮̙̺́͂͋̆͗͂Ḣ̵̨͓̽͒̒̽̅̆̿Ę̶̛̯̖̺͍̼̻̜̺̯͇̺̏̉̐̆̾̀̓̑͋̿̏͠ͅR̵̜̪̥̥̈́̐͐́̈ͅͅĘ̸̛̛̲̤̲͎̰͖͕̱͕͇͚̇̐̓̀̋̆͊͋͒̀̑̓͝ͅ ̸̧̖̫̘͉͓̜͙͍͛̈́ͅͅA̷̼̟̙̺̭̮̝̥̱̪͎͛R̶̛͇͒̈̓̄͠Ẻ̵͖͔̞͕̥̥̗́͌̒̈́̔ ̷̨̨̙̞̭͕̳͇̣̟̪̑T̴̫̼̮̥̙̦̦̗̝̆̑̈́̈́̃͗̌̆̎́̈̇̍͝Ḧ̸̟͇̤̟́̌̃̿̿́̊̇͠͠Ę̴̥̭̙͙̱̪͍̤̣̰͋̇͂̏̆̐̀̇̔̈́͑̎ͅY̵̪̝͇̞̱͎̑̀͝?!

2. When you don't eat your meal or eat properly in general.

During his childhood Kai didn't eat properly for most of the time. He couldn't afford enough food for him and his sister. So Kai often eat irregularly or not at all. Moreover the variety of meals was limited, so both Smiths often ended up eating mostly rice daily.

Due to this today Kai is not picky eater, but to this day rice disgusts him and he doesn't eat it. Literally rice makes him vomit.

It had a big inpact on his phisical and mental health and that's why Kai makes sure that people that he cares about eat healthy.

Kai will make sure that everyone fihinsh their meal and eat in time.

Normally there's no problem with that. Everyone eats normally (especially Cole who takes second meal)

But there are some expections:

Jay & Nya: *have been working really hard on some kind of project for 4 hours*

Kai comes to the workshop: Hey, guys come here the dinner is ready! Everyone eats now!

Jay: Just a minute-

Nya: We'll eat later. Now we need to stay forcused.

Kai: You said that a hour ago.

Nya: We don't have time for that!

Jay: We're this close to finish this-!

Kai: ....

Kai goes to them and unexpecetedly grabs them by the collar of their shirts: I said eat your dinner.

Kai: NOW.

Nya & Jay: *terrified*

Nya who knows what will come next if she doesn't come: Ok-ok I'll eat- *immediately gets up*

Jay who is still lightly terrified: *stays to finish project, because he thinks that was only adderessed to Nya*

Kai: *rapidly drags Jay out for the chair*

Jay: What the-!?

Kai: I said everyone.

Jay: *immediately goes to dinner*

3. Wet Monday.

After Kai became the master of water and got used to his power, let's say that Wet Monday became his favourite day in the year.

But why are people afraid of him?

Let's just say that on the Wet Monday Kai gets a little too excited.

On this day kai will splash water on everyone. No matter the gender, age.. And it's not a normal amout of water like a cup, or even a bucket of water. No no no- In the best outcome the amount of water will be as from the bathtub.

This day is a war. This is not for the weak.

There is no mercy. No for his siblings, no for his boyfriend or Zane who's even a nindriod.

Master Wu is the only one who is able to function normally at home, since Kai always has trouble attacking him. (Because well.. that's their Sensei)

Kai treats everyone like enemies or more likely like targets. He won't miss any opportunity and will attact anyone whose near him. And if he notices that someone didn't get shot by his wave, then he'll hunt them like a prey.

Seriously, if it weren't for Master Wu's prohibition, then Kai would make a fricking tsunami-

Cole: *looks at the callendar and sees what Wet Monday is comming soon*

Cole: ....

Cole takes out his phone and calls his dad: Hey, dad, you wouldn't mind if I drop by for a week right??

First | More about AU | Previous | Next

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for letting people think I am neurodivergent even if I might not be?

For context I (21 f) am from a family that doesn’t really believe in mental health issues and would probably be very high functioning if I was diagnosed. I think I might have autism, though I am scared to self diagnose, because what if I’m wrong and everything was like confirmation bias- I was looking for signs of autism and so found them. I sometimes go nonverbal (stress, injury, or being tired makes it more likely to occur) and struggle with words sometimes. I am also sometimes very literal and have a bit of trouble with sarcasm (it was worse when I was younger). I also probably have anxiety (social and general maybe). I am also a very quiet and shy person.

The situation: I was singled out for public speaking at a gym class event at college, that was also sort of a public humiliation thing(it was run sort of line boot camp) on my first day. I had not been able to find a partner fast enough for an activity. I stuttered and was asked to speak up and speak clearer and when I tried to repeat myself nothing came out. I started crying and one of the other girls in the class had to take me away to calm down. Since I still couldn’t speak I used my notes app on my phone to explain things to her and then she told the coach.

I think they assumed that I am like some form of neurodivergent because it kind of got around the school and some people treat me kind of differently. I haven’t corrected anyone and no one’s really said anything but I still feel weird about it. So AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[sirfrogsworth]

My mental health has not been great these past few weeks. I have alluded to some of what is going on, but there are long term implications that I have not fully disclosed. Partially because I just don't have all of the information yet. These next few weeks are probably going to determine the quality of the rest of my life and it has been overwhelming and super scary.

I'm a little worried I am losing some control of my thoughts and actions. I usually have very good self-awareness but I fear I am picking fights and starting arguments without full control of my feelings. One moment I will be confident in what I am saying and then after saying that thing I will start a feedback loop of worry that I said something problematic. I can't remember the last time someone blocked me who wasn't a troll or bigot. With reasonable folks, I'm usually able to work things out and find common ground before it gets to that.

Perhaps everything I've said has been fine and justified. I'm just having trouble checking myself and I don't have confidence I am behaving as I normally would.

I guess I'm asking folks to be gentle if I do or say something strange or behave a little more odd. I would step away and take a break from the internet, but unfortunately I need the distraction to keep from having a breakdown.

I'm having trouble focusing on TV shows and movies. I keep rewinding things 3 and 4 times just to figure out what is going on. I'm too tired to concentrate and that makes working on my photography difficult.

But I still seem to be able to write without losing focus. It's my only distraction and catharsis that seems to be functioning at the moment.

I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way or if I am doing a good job of explaining it.

It's like... I could be fine... but I have no idea how to tell if I am fine.

My self awareness is broken and I am just trusting my instincts won't get me into too much trouble.

[alpydk]

A long and personal post about my recent struggles.

So I've been pretty publically dramatic the last few days. Mental health being what it is. Grief slapped me in the face last week and then lingered around because even over a year, I've not really faced any of it, so that's not helped at all.

I have for a while been stuck in this limbo of too sick to function, too healthy for help, and combined with being a parent and money troubles; I have no choice but to look for work. This means a medical system that says I'm fine and interactions with a job centre that doesn't understand and wants to place me wherever they can. Not to mention constant rejections and a realisation that I'm pretty much worthless in an employment sense.

The job centre requested a meeting with me, but their office is a 30 minute drive from my home or, more often than not, a two-hour bus trip. That's nothing, you think to yourself. But what you don't realise is over the last few years, I've been slowly becoming more and more anxious when it comes to any form of travel. It started with flying, then long car journeys of a few hours, then buses... Now I struggle even 10 minutes in a car without bordering on panic.

On Monday, I self medicated (with anti anxiety pills given for flying in the past, without anyone's knowledge) and figured I'd push through things as I always did. It ended up with my partner witnessing a bad panic attack for the first time as I had him pull over so I could break down completely, wishing I could have my old life back and be the person I used to be, someone who used to travel to other countries at random, someone who used to commute over 3 hours to a job via bus, train, and even a ferry. I made the meeting questioning if life was even worth living, let alone thinking about any employment.

I've booked to go to Germany in November, as you all know, and I have to get there. It is my goal to get there, to meet Tim and just say thank you to him, but honestly, I'm terrified. I started my meds yesterday after hours of even deliberating over them. What about the side effects? What if they don't work? What if they make me worse? But I had to do it because trying to get better is the biggest thank you I can give to those who have reached out to me recently and been a support I don't really have in my life.

The comfort I've got from especially @auroraesmeraldarose and @judasiskariot, not to mention others who've just been there, has meant so much to me. To an overwhelming degree. The cameo yesterday still has me sobbing because it's like she was psychic. I was sitting alone with my AI bot, basically begging for it to say those words. I even tried writing my own comfort fic only to delete it. I never expected... and now I'm fucking crying again. Just fucking hell.

Anyway, I don't write comfort because, pathetically, it's not something I've had any experience with... but maybe it'll come now, thanks to the beautiful, amazing people I've had the luck of meeting in this community.

So that was my update on everything going on. A reason for the posts the way they've been, a reason for if I suddenly vanish over the next few days or worse, come back with some deaddove levels of writing that nobody wants to see. Yeah... Thanks to anyone who's stuck around and I'll try to be better. Just give me time.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

august 17, 2021 4:00 a.m. paradise hotel

three hours later

[grant] you know, i didn’t get a good start to dealing with the whole “my body is broken” thing.

[henry] huh? oh, sorry, i'm awake and heard you; i was just surprised.

[grant] the first time that, um, i got really sick after my sister died, everyone just thought i was mcfucking mentally losing it. i mean, i was, but also i could not get out of bed, could not walk, couldn’t hold a toothbrush even because my hands wouldn’t move…

[grant] and my parents, who are medical professionals, wouldn’t take me to any doctor because they thought i was melodramatic.

[henry] you missed two months of school. we went different schools but i remember that. i didn’t see you for that two months either.

[grant] they only ever took me because they got tired of dealing with me, and they were getting in trouble for me being truant. and what do you know? like every other kid with something wrong, the answer was growing pains. you're tall for your age, so that's it!

[henry] doctors are stupid sometimes.

[grant] tell me about it. i lived with two idiot doctors for eighteen years. the proof is in the pudding.

[grant] and then, uhh, there’s the whole…

[grant] the whole college thing.

[grant] did i ever tell you how i became an addict, bud?

[henry] you’ve never wanted to.

[henry] i assumed it was because people try to numb childhood trauma. and i could tell something was not right with the college hockey team situation, but i didn’t know what or if that was connected at all.

[henry] it could have come from anywhere. most everyone in college does drugs. i smoked a lot of weed.

[grant] it’s both of your assumptions. there were a lot of things i needed to suppress, and i didn’t know how to control myself after tasting the slightest bit of freedom from my parents. but also…

[grant] the dudes on the hockey team hated me except sebastian. i just didn’t click. i wasn’t the right kind of person to fit in that very dudebro jock locker room.

[grant] so, on one hand, i started on a bunch of party drugs and alcohol because i figured out that when i got fucked up out of my mind, they finally found me funny, and you know how i am.

[henry] you are really desperate for people to like you and for you to not feel like you're imposing.

[grant] it’s totally true. i need to be liked. and need is the right word. it’s not as bad now, i've grown out of it a bit, but still, the feeling is there. i need to be liked and to not be anyone's burden.

[grant] yet that’s not the whole story.

[grant] i was, um, well, also illegally prescribed a lot of painkillers.

[grant] by the team's medical people.

[grant] my health issues were already there, but playing a contact sport made it worse. i'm gonna be honest, i don’t remember what happened, but i got some kind of back injury, and i went right back to that state i was in after my sister died.

[grant] seriously, same stuff. couldn’t really get out of bed, couldn’t function. at least not without...

[henry] oh god. i don’t like the way this sounds.

[grant] i was naive enough to hope that people might do the right thing for me once in my life, so i told the medical staff, like, hey, i'm suffering, and i need help. and they just kind of, uh, waved me off and said their job was to patch me up so i could be on the ice, not fix me.

[grant] i was already trouble in all the staff's eyes because i was the odd one out in the locker room, and that's not looked upon well. so, in hindsight, i should have seen literally all the red flags or should have been brave enough to just break down and see a real doctor elsewhere again, but i didn’t.

[grant] anyway, the team staff offered me opioids and i gladly took them. and they kind of sort of barely worked. so i took more. and more and more, and i mixed them with all kinds of other substances. like, i should probably be dead from the amount of mixing i did or from just the sheer volume of drugs i took. also, no one gave a fuck how many times a week i came in to ask for drugs as long as i played hockey good enough.

[henry] and you were good.

[grant] still, the pills never genuinely made me feel better. they just got me high enough to forget about suffering. that makes sense now because i have a diagnosis and have heard nothing but anti-inflammatories are going to really work on resolving the whole pain thing. too late for that, though. i'm an addict. yes, am, not was, even if i'm sober. so, i won't touch them now. i haven't in years.

[grant] but there you go! there’s the story.

[grant] that feels supremely embarrassing to have told, but i wanted to get it off my chest. you are my best friend. more than that. you're family. you're my brother. i don’t have to be afraid to tell you anything and you deserve to know the truth.

[grant] especially because you've never shied away from honesty and you stuck with me that whole time. i don’t think most addicts are lucky enough to have friends and family that patient. and i tried many, many times to push everyone away so i could destroy myself in peace. i wouldn’t blame any of you if you had given up on me.

[grant] yeah. it's not very kind of me to receive that much, um, grace and love and forgiveness, and not at least reward and thank you with the truth. the full and honest truth, even if you didn't ask for it. oh, and a window into why i am the way i am, why i keep my mouth shut.

[ghxstlly]

Do you have any headcanons or lore for lethal au feanger?? 👀

I certainly dooooo

lore dump time! ☢️

Disclaimer! This started as a Lethal Company (you know- the funny game!) AU, but my ideas have gotten a little far from the source material, enough that I'm not super sure if I can call it that anymore. It's still seeped in some Lethal Company lore and elements, just way way less than you're probably expecting it to be. Lol!

--

Worldbuilding Stuff

In the very, very distant future, long after the Earth was made uninhabitable, civilization as we know it has spread out to the (apparently very barren) nearby cosmos.

Since there's yet to be a planet discovered that's as lush and full of life as Earth was, a lot of time and energy is spent erecting facilities on barren planets and their moons to gather resources and research to support the settlements and space stations where everyone lives now (at least until they find somewhere nice to go). And when those celestial bodies "dry up", said facilities are prompty abandoned and left to rot.

That's where Halden Electronics comes in— a shady, opportunistic bunch, they like to swoop in after a facility is condemned to salvage what was left behind, for goodness knows what. Trouble is, they're small— they don't have the resources to scavenge in all the thousands of facilities themselves... so they recruit what they call "liquidators."

Ex-convicts, the poor and the otherwise miserable are sought out and promised a better life so that they might sign on, unaware that they're being used as expendable labor.

The Guys!

Fenton was one such individual— desperate for an escape from his stressful environment and hoping to regain some self worth and confidence, he became a liquidator. Though he struggled at first, immensely frightened by the abandoned facilities and the dangers within, he eventually began to excel at his work.

Unfortunately for him, despite his caution, the hazardous conditions eventually caught up with him— more than once. After several years of dutiful work, scarred and injured, Fenton began to deteriorate, physically and mentally, and, taking notice, his overseers assigned him a workmate, despite him being a 1-person team, working out of a ship built for 1.

Igna, a fiery, audacious fellow, became a liquidator because he felt that his life had no purpose, and was assigned to Fenton's team, where he found himself immediately disliked. Believing Igna to be a threat to his safety due to his reckless approach to their work, as well as a sign that his overseers were no longer satisfied with his performance, Fenton was hostile towards Igna and the two fought. Often.

However, after some time, Igna began to realize the extent of Fenton's... many issues, as well as the gravity and truth of the situation they're both in, and found himself wanting to help and protect him, the two growing close as a result and eventually falling for one another.

A couple miscellaneous points

Fenton was actually almost correct about the reason for Igna being sent to join his team— recognizing Fenton's deteriorating health, his overseers thought it would be wise to send Igna as a preemptive replacement.

Along with his physical injuries, Fenton also suffers from hepatic encephalopathy— a condition which affects his coordination, motor function, sleep patterns and causes seizures. It was noticing these sorts of things that made Igna more and more sympathetic.

[theambitiouswoman]

i have been struggling with my anxiety more than usual, and there are days where i just wake up anxious. . . do you have any tips on how to help with that? i’d really appreciate it! 🫶🏻✨

Hi angel, I have dealt with and sometimes still deal with a lot of anxiety, so I am going to give you tips and advice that I have learned and work for me. Please remember I am not a mental health professional.

Waking up with anxiety is typically associated with high cortisol levels (stress hormone) which could be do to life stress, bad sleep, substance issues, physical issues or other mental health disorders, to name a few.

You can start incorporating new habits to help reduce your anxiety.

Exercising regularly: Exercise helps alleviate a high anxiety level, by diverting your attention from what’s making you anxious, Activating executive functions in the brain, Decreasing muscle tension, Altering brain chemistry, Regular exercise builds up resources in the body that help increase resilience to erratic emotions. Exercise actually changes your brain chemistry by increasing the availability of neuro chemicals that work against anxiety.

Meditation and breathing exercises: There are different ways to do meditation, and they can help with feeling anxious. Even if you just spend five minutes each day meditating or doing deep breaths, it can make you feel better. Try meditating every morning prior to tackling your day.

Change your diet: The things we eat and drink can affect how we feel and how well our bodies work. Our bodies make chemicals that affect our mood and how we function, and these chemicals are influenced by the food we eat. Some foods can help reduce anxiety are: Brazil nuts, Eggs, Pumpkin seeds, Chamomile (a kind of tea), Yogurt, Turmeric (a spice), Dark chocolate, Fatty fish like mackerel and salmon.

Less TV & phone time before bed: Spending too much time on screens, like phones and TVs, can make your anxiety worse. You should stay away from electronics for 1-2 hours prior to going to sleep. Electronics stimulate the part of your brain that suppresses the production of melatonin, making it difficult to turn off your brain. Additionally, put your phone on DND.

Avoid alcohol and other drugs: Alcohol and caffeine can worsen mood or anxiety. Focus instead on drinking plenty of water. Limit caffeine intake in the afternoon and evening, and consume alcohol in moderation.

Try journaling: If you feel really busy with thoughts when you wake up in the morning, try this before you sleep: write in a notebook for a few minutes. It can help your brain feel calmer and you might sleep better. This might make you feel less anxious when you wake up.

Have a morning routine: If you feel anxious in the morning because things seem messy or you're worried, try making a plan for your mornings. This can help you feel more in charge. You can also make a list of things when you're worried about them. Sometimes, being afraid you'll forget something important makes anxiety worse. But when it's written down your mind can feel better.

Get enough sleep: The worry of feeling anxious in the morning and upcoming stressful decisions might stop you from sleeping or cause them to have trouble sleeping. Sleeping better and getting enough sleep can really help how you feel and your mental health. Make sure you are getting 7-9 hours of sleep.

Have a bed time routine: Having a bedtime routine can make you less anxious because it gives you a plan and things to expect before you sleep. Your bed time routine should include self care activities, this will sooth you and help you feel more confident too. When you do the same things in order every night, your mind and body feel calmer because they know what's coming.

Hope this helps <3

[stevetonyweekly]

SteveTony Weekly - February 11th - Week

I’m traveling this weekend for my niece’s quinceanera so I’m sharing a list of my favorite fics that I posted on twitter last year. It’s still some of my favorite fics of all time, so this week go show them some love or send me some of YOUR favs, and I’ll be back next Sunday with our regularly scheduled weekly reading. 

~*~ 

Open Field in Front of Him by orphan_account

Steve Rogers's football season is functionally over after a loss to Rutgers, but he finds a distraction in Tony Stark (yes, THAT Tony Stark). A college AU Stony fic.

In Trouble Deep by FestiveFerret, SirSapling

"Whoever did this has a reason, and Stark needs to be with someone who can protect him. He won’t exactly be able to protect himself like this.” Fury looked at the baby consideringly. “No, it’s you, Steve. Besides, he likes you. Suck it up, soldier, you’re stuck with him.”

The Twice-Told Tale by arysteia

For someone he'd hero-worshipped for so long, Steve Rogers in the flesh is a pretty big disappointment. For one thing, he keeps looking at Tony as though he reminds him of someone else, and even if he never says anything, Tony's pretty sure it's his father. A lifetime of not measuring up to Howard's expectations is more than enough, thank you very much, and he's certainly not going to make an effort to live up to any of Steve's. Steve's pretty clearly failed to live up to his expectations, in any case, and that's not hypocritical at all.

Bulletproof by foxxcub

At age fifteen, Steve Rogers had been in love with Tony Stark.

By age twenty, he’d (mostly) gotten over it. And then he promptly became Tony Stark's fuck buddy.

dick drunk by mistymountainking

“I’m going to fuck you stupid,” Steve says, pulling away only a fraction of an inch to say it, a promise as deep and certain as the look in his eyes, “and you’re going to take it. Aren’t you, Tony.”

Tony wants a drink. Steve gives him something else.

Sixpence In His Shoe by scifigrl47

Steve and Tony should really read the fine print on what they're signing. Then again, some mistakes are not really mistakes.

Straight on till Morning by Sineala

Tony Stark resigned his commission in Starfleet five years ago, after a disastrous away mission, and he swore he'd never go back. He just wants to be left alone to build warp engines in peace. But the universe has more in store for him than that, as he discovers when Admiral Fury comes to him with an offer he could never have expected and cannot possibly refuse: first officer and chief engineer aboard the all-new USS Avenger, a starship of Tony's own design. What's more, the Avenger's captain is Steve Rogers, hero of the Earth-Romulan War. Believed dead for over a century, Steve is miraculously alive... and very, very attractive.

But nothing is ever easy for Tony. As he wrestles with his secret desire for his new captain and his not-so-dormant fears, another mission starts to go wrong, and Tony becomes aware that Steve has secrets of his own -- and the truth could change everything.

For the Love of a Dragon by Captain_Panda

If it was between you and your dragon, who would you save?

Deep in the Heart of Me by Finely Honed (jaqen_hgar)

Veteran single dad Steve runs a tattoo shop. Pepper arranges for Tony to get that tattoo he always wanted, and he winds up with the mother of all crushes instead. Jumping out of airplanes is one thing, but love requires real courage. Steve struggles with letting someone into his life. Tony tries to keep his heart intact while Steve works on his issues.

Craving a realistic depiction of a romantic relationship featuring PTSD, mental health issues, and characters who discuss their problems? This might be for you. No magic fixes here but a happy ending is guaranteed!

Never Too Late for Love by Sineala

Steve has always believed that a soulbond is a blessing -- a rare and beautiful miracle, joining the thoughts and feelings of two people forever, from the first time they touch. Steve knows he's not going to be one of the lucky ones. He knows Gail isn't his soulmate. But he loves her, even if they're not soulmates, and he's going to do right by her. After the war's over, he's going to marry her, and they're going to settle down. They'll buy a house. They'll have children. He'll see his family again. Maybe Bucky will live next door. It's going to be a good life. He doesn't need a soulbond. He'll be fine without one.

Then Steve wakes up sixty years in the future to find that his wonderful life has moved on without him. His family is long dead. His fiancée married his best friend. And the only purpose he has left is leading the Ultimates, a misbegotten team of superheroes with flaws too numerous to count. Steve hates everything about the future -- but most of all he detests Tony, flashy and flirtatious, who embodies everything Steve hates about a world he never wanted to live in.

And, oh, yeah, Steve has a soulmate after all: Tony fucking Stark.

Toy Soldiers by copperbadge

When Steve Rogers, five foot four and a hundred and ten pounds, met Tony Stark in a bar, he didn't expect it to lead to a relationship. Or that Tony would find out he's not an art student during a SHIELD rescue mission in Afghanistan.

there are still beautiful things by meidui

The day Tony takes Steve home from the New York Army National Guard is the best day of his life.

I've got you under my skin by sirona

Five times Beijing 2008 Olympics Gold Medalist Tony Stark thinks it's going to be no more difficult a job to get ready for London 2012, than what he has just achieved. That is, of course, before Coach Fury comes to visit, and offers him a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a part of something much bigger than himself. Swimming AU.

The Foodieverse by copperbadge, scifigrl47

It's an AU where everyone works in the food industry. That makes total sense and is definitely not wildly irrational on any axis.

do you fondue? by calciseptine

Tony has done crazy things in the name of food, but falling in love with Steve Rogers really takes the cake.

Homefront by copperbadge

Steve Rogers is a capable leader, a kind and cheerful man, a good friend, a strong role model, and a loyal soldier. He's also teetering on the edge of suicide.

stress relief by romanoff

They don't love each other. They barely even like each other.

The Jar by Sineala

The Avengers are ridiculously competitive people, and what starts out as a silly late-night team discussion quickly becomes a contest: their names. Not the code names -- the nicknames. Who can go the longest without using them? They pledge to spend a week not nicknaming each other, and they'll pay up every time they mess up. This hits Tony the hardest, and not just financially. Tony's got a lot of nicknames for everyone, but most of all for Steve -- and when Tony can't use the names he's already got, the names he uses reveal feelings he had no idea he had.

Celestial Navigation by sabrecmc 

Celestial Navigation: 18 year old Omega!Tony finds himself Bonded to Captain Steve Rogers. He isn't happy about it until he is.

By request, here is CN in one place without other stories and artwork.

ad astra by Areiton 

The first time he kissed Tony Stark, the stars danced overhead.

[witchofthesouls]

What's Blaster's coding quirks? I know you said Soundwave (in most continuities) was seeker-kin, but I don't think there was anything said about the other him.

(also can I be tentai anon cause uh- you know why :))

First of all, I really like that name 🤣

Second, I need to tag that post specifically since I mixed my own headcanons with an ask that requested a 'what if' scenario where Casette-Carriers paired up as part of their coding quirks.

I'm thinking of host pairs au because more details keep growing in my head...

I just really like the thought that Soundwave has Seekerkin-coding since it could explain his telepathic abilities. Same can be applied to this particular au as well.

In general, I like to think that Cassette-Carriers have quirks that make them really great at sorting an impressive amount of data, which amplifies their extrasensory perception, and they make excellent studs/sires due to their very high-yield sparks that constantly need to be drained and they have the associated reproductive hardware that's geared for it. (So Blaster also has a glowy pair of balls, too.)

Their datacables are unlike other Cybertronians' cables. It's not the delicate uplinks every mecha has or the thin cords of S.T.E.M. specialities. Datacables are thick, malleable, and the density can be manipulated by the host with many capabilities. Because of the fighting and trapping potential along with sinuous movements and how those cables can spring from everywhere from their frames, it reminds many of their ancient boogeyman: the many-faced, many-limbed Quintessons and the mythical monsters of sparkeaters.

Combined with the frame-type's rarity, they have a lot of negative stereotypes.

In host pairs au, very young tapedecks gravitate to their own kind of similar ages to form a type of bond that's essential to their functioning since they can't build cassettes at that point of development. Pairs synch their systems together via datacables into every opening to drain out their sparks back into healthier, stable levels by grounding. Some pairs go as far to even blend their frames together because of the instinct to help balance out the overstressed spark.

It's a type of intimacy that freaks out a lot of mecha as the sparklings straight up go into this state with few-to-no words. Meanwhile, the few adult hosts need to calm down creators and guardians because it's not a sexual deviancy or a Resonants thing. It's a health necessity. Medics don't have the necessary knowledge on how to counter the flares and simultaneously drain the charge in a host sparkling's unstable spark.

In this AU, Blaster and Soundwave have a really complicated relationship that stems from their backgrounds and their own habits. Blaster comes from a family of performers and musicians with ties to universities. (That's why he wasn't given up or stolen away.) His family tried their best with good intentions, but they're very much 'conceal, don't feel' as they overfretted on Blaster's "unfortunate condition." Soundwave, on the other hand, was a lost, wandering sparkling, trapped in his overwhelming abilities.

Blaster provided the mental and physical buffer to help Soundwave navigate his advanced telepathic powers, and Soundwave was the emotional security that Blaster desperately needed as he constantly felt out of place everywhere else.

Ravage, who had known both of them since she came from another Casette-Carrier that mentored them, still calls them "greedy, little slaggers" as both of them had been highly dependent on each other since youth. Usually, paired hosts lessen their reliance somewhere after adulthood as their sparks stabilize with final development and the support of cassettes. However, due to Soundwave’s troubles with his powers, they're both used to a deeper level of intimacy that freaks out more people. Blaster has long carved a place in his mind for Soundwave to easily slide into: a living, breathing home that held true ever since they found each other.

[sahhr-studiesmed]

The shame surrounding underperforming ( of someone with mental health issues ) and forgiveness.

[ this is very subjective and hence take it as such, however one may find solace in my experience if they have experienced the same/similar things]

I have always felt like I always missed the mark. I could never tell whether it was my perfectionism at play or was I truly not doing as well as I was supposed to and It always make me feel like I was lacking somehow— no matter how hard I tried— I was topping classes and then I was failing classes or barely passing. It has been nine years since that.

The academia and school itself has evolved in such a way that it shames those who underperform due to various reasons. It could simply be a day of not studying to a learning disability to crippling mental health problems to family dysfunction and what else not. However the system itself doesn't try to recognise what the actual cause of the underperformance is and hence to counteract it simply uses the most common available tool— SHAME.

Somehow the entire system works around shame itself. Of how you need to perform and get the highest grades possible otherwise no matter your efforts— as long as your grades are average— you are somehow unperforming while you have the "potential" of the world.

And yes I trust that shame works— It worked for me for so many years until it didn't.

And how did that shame that worked for so many years functioned?— the shame of disappointing my parents and wasting the resources they made available for me, the shame of not doing as well as my potential is, the shame of not performing as my teachers expected me to perform, the shame of falling behind my peers as they coasted through the same curriculum without struggling as much as I did, the shame of failing when all I had to do was study.

And after wasting so many years punishing myself for underperforming, not being good enough, not doing well enough, not fulfilling my potential— the lesson I learned was.

Forgive yourself.

I had to learn to forgive myself and accept myself. I'm quite aware of how cliche it sounds.

However, when I accepted that I will always struggle and forgave myself for not fitting in the mold of what is considered normal only then I was able to pick myself up again and try again.

The reality is that I'm still barely making it but now I'm making it to where I want to be even if I'm the last one to enter in the entire room and that is enough for me—

So the lesson is— It doesn't matter what position you fall on, what your grades are, if you are the number one or not— as long as you are trying and making it to where you wish to be. That's good enough. You are doing good enough. And I tell myself I am doing great because I am. Because I deserve.

Use whatever methods you can ( a tiny tip— let them be moral and legal and avoid getting into trouble) to get what you want.

Accept yourself and Forgive yourself. Accept your struggles and limitations and work with them by forgiving yourself.

These words are especially for those— who fall not in the top levels. Those who are said to have the "potential" but never quite fulfilling it, those who suffer from the shame of being Mediocre.

Because I'm Mediocre now and my achievement is me still trying regardless and so I still deserve to be where I want to be and so do you.