#but thats horrible of me. so i have to stop thinking that. this is medical emergency in october all over again jfc im tired of this thought

[dyketubbo]

its such a pain trying to navigate being critical of the psychiatric field as it is today because ill nod along to a post talking about how psych wards are horrible and so many therapists and mental health professionals are actually just downright awful and make their patients mental health works and then ill look in the notes and see people go like yesssss and medication is terrible and we should just get help Instead like. um. in an ideal world youd get both buddy. im sorry but even in a better world where society doesnt make you want to kill yourself all the time and your therapist actually listens to you you will also likely still have to take that medication

[piplupod]

mum's so fucking messed up from her current medication cocktail, like she's genuinely high or something. she's always talked over me and interrupted me (my entire family does it and never seems to even notice they do it half the time) but yesterday it was like that was cranked up to maximum. i just gave up talking at some point in the early afternoon after she'd talked over me as if i hadnt even been speaking when we were the only two in the room together, like ten times in less than fifteen mins. it was fucking brutal.

anyways she's apparently going to be drinking during our early new years party, and that makes things so much worse in general when she's had any alcohol so I'm uhhhh terrified to see what the mix of meds and alcohol is going to do to her !!!! this is going to be Unbearable yayyyy

[crazylittlejester]

I return with a short list of headcannons

Twilight has anemia. He is so pale despite being a farm boy and the only farm boy I knew who was as pale as him also had anemia. Give this boy some iron supplements pls.

You may think Wild and Hyrule are the problem children when together, but if you added Four it's as if you sent three overly hyper children into a candy store. Zero brain cells are to be found.

Every bird loves Sky. Every. Single. One. He has Disney princess vibes.

Warriors cannot sing for the life of him. You know Scuttle from the Little Mermaid? Thats what he sounds like.

Fairies love Hyrule and Time so much that it isn't uncommon to see the small balls of light attempt to "kidnap" them. (Which in reality is just them repeatedly hitting themselves against the two since they can't push them, and it's adorable.)

Time, in his youth, would starve himself since he was so used to eating very little. Malon threatened to throw a cow at him if he didn't start eating. Time hasn't starved himself since.

Wind believes babies come from storks and I will die on that hill.

Legend, despite what many others headcannon for him, is religious. I like to think that he doesn't worship Hylia, but Farore.

Twilight is also religious, but for the light spirits. I like to think that Ordon's religion is simular to our paganism.

All the Links (minus Legend and Wind) experienced horrible sea sickness when they first got on Tetra's boat.

Twilight has a prosthetic arm after his arm was cut off during his adventure. You know the "need a hand" joke? That's how he revealed his prosthetic to the chain. He threw his arm to Sky, causing the man to pass out out of shock and horror (since Skyloft hasn't made the medical advancements for prosthetics!)

Cats love the Links, even if Four is deathly afraid of them. It's because the remlets loved Sky back when they existed.

Thanks for sharing these I had fun reading them!! I’m sorry it took me so long to respond to ur ask, I wanted to make sure I had enough time to read through all of them and respond :)

- Oooh Twilight with anemia is interesting. I personally headcanon that Twilight has one of the darkest skin tones of the bunch, along with Sky and Hyrule, while Legend and Time are the two palest

- Four to me gives off incredibly responsible energy, but when you pair him with someone else, he goes nuts and gets real silly real quick

- SKY DISNEY PRINCESS REAL. That boy has sung and held out his hand and a bird has landed in it, I just know it.

- I actually have a fic series I wrote where Wars was just completely tone deaf but did not let that stop him from screaming along to the radio. I think normal Wars would secretly be a decent singer but be bad on purpose because its a skill he’s anxious about

- I headcanon that fairies will just it in Time’s hair and let him walk around and carry them, and that they also do this to Hyrule and Wild as well

- I have a similar headcanon that Time used to only live off of nuts and fruits and cried the first time he saw Malon kill a cow for food. He’s over it now, but he’s still upset if he has to see it happen and will not kill an animal himself

- WIND ABSOLUTELY BELIEVES THAT AND I THINK HE’D CRY IF SOMEONE TOLD HIM OTHERWISE

- As far as the Links and religion go, I don’t think any of the hate Hylia, I think some are a bit bitter but I think at the end of the day they all know its not her fault. And yes to Legend worshipping Farore and Twilight the light spirits!

- I would like to add that I don’t think Wild would get sea sick. But all the others? Dead. Gone actually. One boat ride and they’re on the floor. Sky’s been in boats before but he hates them

- Twilight with a prosthetic arm would be an absolute menace to society oh good god 😭😭😭 (I’m obsessed with this headcanon btw, i love it)

- CATS LOVING LINKS BECAUSE REMLITS LOVED SKY IS SO CUTE. TEARS IN MY EYES RN THAT’S ADORABLE.

[mobbu-min]

Okay okay hear me out gyutaro from demon slayer twst!yuu like they sound and look horrible and the have a bloody nose all the time and their voice cracks a lot and is creepy too

!tw! blood, reader kinda creepy but we love them regardless, it's kinda implied that every character has a thing for reader, bc i couldn't help myself, also also, in my head reader is like tall and kinda buff like gyutaro cuz thats hot, also kinda a himbo/bimbo, really bad grammar mistakes :/

why do i picture ever character instantly asking if then need severe medical help??? but any ways, the twst cast are all on the same boat of confused, severely concerned and disgusted and mildly in awe. I can picture Grim being 'huh??? is this how humans supposed to be?...Eh, oh well, this is how my human is ig.' and goes on about his day.

Ace and Epel are the quickest of the first years to get used to your voice cracks and bloody noses. To Epel you sound like his peepaw, but also not??? (the first time he heard you, he literally whipped his head back so fast it gave him a concussion) Epel honestly finds you super cool. Kinda envious at how strong you are despite your very raggard stature and looks. Def uses you as a distraction everytime Vil tries to get him to do his skin and hair routine. And Ace is a fuckin menance. Orginally grossed out, Ace comes around fast. Like Epel, he thinks your so cool and creepily hot. Like your tall and sorta buff, kinda gothy and kinda looks like a hobo, apparently Ace's type to a T. But back to the meance part, Ace does not stop making fun of your voice cracks (lovingly ofc) Be perpared, bc Ace is your permant echo.

Deuce and Jack remain severely concerned for your health. Like how could you loose so much blood in an hour and still act like nothing's wrong. Shouldn't you be dead???? Deuce constantly carrying tissues and towels to wipe the blood off your nose and lips. And oh boy does he blush like craze everytime you lean down for him to clean you up. Face as red as the blood on his tissue. Jack remains pretty neutral about his concerns, but always carries protein bars in his pocker or bag for you. Gets hella hyped when ever you agree to jog with him, even if your slow, Jack likes having you there because lowkey you kinda an inspiration to him??? He doesn't question it but neither do you.

Sebek will forever remain disgusted by you. And no the blush on his face isn't because you smiled at him with your creepy toothy smile. and it's most definitely not because you leaned against him and laughed softly into his ear! No, nope, no! (he's still grossed out, but he's also concerned. Sebek is a mess)

Cater, although concerned/weirded out, loves the idea of having a creepy bff. It'll look great on his account! Actually the first one to get used to you, surprisingly. Your cool, really really cool, in his eyes. A little dysfunctional and a little on the morbid side, but Cater finds himself vibing with your energy incredibly fast. Besides Cater, Lilia and Kalim quickly jumps on the 'MC is so cool and creepy and so very attractive' boat. Actually they're the co-vice captains and Cater is the main captain.

There's no way in hell, Lilia is creeped out by you! Lilia absolutely adores you! Constantly hovering over you with a silly little grin on his face. His mission is always to get you to laugh. Lilia literally swoons at the sound of your crackly laugh that fades into a giggle at the end. And your smile? Down right loves it!

Kalim has the same mission as Lilia! Constantly following behind you and giving you sweets/drinks that he knows you like, just to get to see you smile. Loves to hold your hand! And Kalim is down bad for your voice! Though he does often ask if your doing well, because you kinda look like you went through a garbage disposal.

I legit forgot about him, but Rook! Rook is down right amazed by you! You're just so new, so different, so creep! The vibe you give off is just so alluring that Rook can't help be memerized by you! You will get really creepy messages in your bag that complients and praises you like no other. Can I also just mention that you awaken something in Rook, something that you can or refuse to entertain. Imma just say it but Rook realizes that he wouldn't mind being hunted by you (does that turn him on? probably)

On the other side of the spectrum, Azul wants to find away to profit off of you. After he got over his fear (no one dares to bring it up besides the leech brothers), he's instantly asking you if you want some extra cash. He knows there a plenty of wealthy clients that would like to see you in different outfits. He also knows that there are plenty of people that are down right scared of you. Either way Azul will find a use out of you and no its not because this is the only way Azul could think of that gets your attention. (it is)

And have fun running away from the Leech brothers. One of them are always trailing after you. Both knows the terror of the deep blue, so you don't scare them. If anything you remind them of home. They both know that in the grand scheme of things they are much scarier and deadlier then you are. (i mean come one, you've helped plenty of people and they cause chaos)

Piggy back rides are Floyds favorite thing. Not many people are able to carry him (and those that are refuses to), but here you are! The perfect height with the perfect arms. Expect to be bombarded with squeezes and bites. Just a fyi, Floyd will lick any blood on you. He does not care for blood born pathogens, ig.

Jade, jade, jade. How to do I put this....he's fuckin enmoured by you. He's constantly observing you. Mismatch eyes trailing after you, trained you like a hawk. He wonders how much different is your antomny from his. Jade has pages full of questions and notes for and on you. He's simply waiting for his chance to corner you and take all your attention.

Riddle and Trey are on the same boat of 'please, just let us help you'. Trey kinda like your guadian angel, constantly making you food and helping you with chores. At first Trey does it, because he thought you were incredibly ill, but learns that is simply the way you're built. But he likes to help you, so he doesn't complain. Riddle also thought you were really sick, so he spent a lot of time in the library trying to find out how to help you. Like Trey he learns that simply how you are. Riddle, for a better lack of words, is completely in love with you. Sure, the blood that constantly coming out of you, is kinda gross. And he does worry if you're a chainsmoker, but there's something about your toothy smile, the way your sharp canines glint in the light, and your deep chuckles, that awakens something in Riddle he much rather keep hidden.

Leona could really care less about your appearance. At first, he thought you were going to fight him for leader or whatever, so he was on edge. That was until, you fell right in front of him because you were too busy following a butterfly. Let's just say, Leona realized he was moronsexual.

You're nice, a little dense, and intimidate everyone that does know you, so Ruggie takes full advantage of you. He's constantly trailing you, with all the intentions to get as much use out of you, but slowly begans to do the total opposite. Ruggie ends up giving you treats and cool things he's found just to see your smile. His tail wags everytime he sees you.

Despite Jamil's intial intentions to keep Kalim away from you (he thought you were a major threat, and honestly you couldn't blame him), he finds himself visting you at Ramshackle more often than not. Even through your appearance is less then conventional, Jamil finds he doesn't mind it. Again the bloods a little weird, but he doesn't mind clean you up. In fact, he kinda enjoys it. Oh! And the moment you bring him into a hug to thank him for everything he's done for you, he practically melts. You're so warm, arm's so conforting and great sevens, you're soft, kinda raspy, voice! Mans fighting his inner demons.

But you know who else fell for you the moment you whispered into their ear? Fucking Vil and Idia. For goodness sakes, Idia was as red as a tomato the first time he saw you. You looked like a big bad villian in his fantasy animes/games. The kinda a villain that took the internet by storm and caused a typhoon of fanart(some pg, some not). And for you to smile at him and whisper into his ear, while your sharp nails gently pulled back his hair and touched his cheek, Idia literally had to hold back his scream.

And Vil, fucking, Vil was totally disgusted by you at first. You looked ill, sounded ill and coughed out blood! Icky! Kept a ten meter distance from you at all times. It wasn't until he listened to Rook and Epel talk(basically gushed) about you was when he changed his perspectived. Vil studied you closer, and while yes, you did challenge his perception of beauty, Vil slowly bacame intrigued by you. You were creepy, a little freaky, but your smile was contagious, and great sevens, was your laugh always so attractive? Then there was your personality, it was the polar opposite of what your appearance suggested. And then ther was the crucial moment that engraved itself into Vil's heart, the moment you whispered into Vil's ear and told him you thought he was beautiful.

And Silver? Well, he never really cared for your appearance. He knew you had a good heart. His animal friends liked you well enough, and Lilia was always talking about you, so he had not reason not to like you. You were different, a breath of fresh air. Not to mention, he's woken up to you carrying him on your back or in your arms like a princess when ever he fell asleep. And to be greeted with your charming smile made Silver's day. His cheeks stayed a permanent rosy pink for the rest of the day.

I purposely left Malleus for last, because we all know his opinion on you. He's in love with you. There's not other way to put it. He finds himself opening up to you so quickly, because besides canon stuff, you understood what it's like to be lonely because of your appearance. You knew the fear that struck people's eyes when they saw you, you knew the whispers and threats all too well. And while those moments made you self conscious and filled with insecurities, you knew you were beautiful despite that. And Malleus was so awe-struck with your confidence. He was blown away by the way you treated everyone with kindness and shared your smile to anyone that would glance at you. Malleus thought you were down right stunning, and makes sure to tell you everyday. And of course, you being you, made sure to tell him that back. Mal is just so in love with you.

So basically a power couple.

Anyways, the boys are simps and you're way too cool for them.

[cozycollectivee]

warmth in winter

2BHANK FLUFF RAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!

also my first fic :thumbs up: but not first time writing

maaaaybe ill put this on ao3 (its painfully obvious ive been on there..)

enjoy ur old guy cuddles u absolute nerd

.

.

It's a cold night.

Freezing.

It's gonna be like this for a couple months.

The mercenary shuddered in his small room. You could walk from one side to another in just 6 steps, which made just enough space for his bed, desk, and closet. Hank's room branched off their medics- Doc's room, to avoid problems once he woke up from being stitched back together.

Like violent outbreaks.

To keep the others safe.

But damn it's cold in here.

Hank's body doesn't make the heat it used to months ago, after repeatedly dying and being revived. His body got colder and colder every time he came back, but the warm weather made up for it- which made winter absolute hell ironically enough. His room didn't have a heater, and he didn't own one to plug into the wall, neither did anyone else. Since they have their lovely heat-generating bodies.

What time was it? The mercenary glanced at the clock across from his bed.

2:34 AM

These blankets weren't doing much to help him warm up. No matter how many layers of fabric he had to cover him, Hank would never be able to warm up.

…on his own, that is.

Hank's brows furrowed in deep thought. Would it be weird? They've only been together for what- two weeks? Relationships weren't his greatest subject, so he wasn't sure what to think. He let out a huff of annoyance, being confused felt horrible. He flicked the blankets off him, and made his way to the door.

He poked his head out, the soft red glow from his goggles slightly illuminating his face. Stepping out of his own, he scanned Doc's room, still unsure of what he was doing. The floor was cold under his paw pads, silently making his way to his partner's bed. Hank had no plan, no idea what he would do. Should he climb in bed with his medic? Should he wake him up first?

He studied Doc's face, he looked… peaceful. Unbothered. Soft. Warm. Hank's hand twitched, he felt a sudden need to have the smaller man in his arms, to hold his face, to be close to him. His heart stopped when the medic shifted in his sleep.

Is he waking up? Why is he waking up? Did I stare at him too hard? Arrghh-

"The hell are you doing?"

Hank blinked, looking back at his partner's- now awake- face. Oops.

Doc looked up at the shadow hovering over his bed, its bright red eyes gleaming at him.

Thats his boyfriend, staring at him in his sleep. Like the weirdo Hank is.

Just a month ago this would've made his fur stand on end and freak him out, but now all he wanted to do was go back to bed.

Hank started to panic, was Doc upset? Maybe he should just go back to his room, but that would be awkward… but not really? What part of him wasn't strange? It was pathetic really, a whole mercenary, unable to tell his lover he couldn't sleep because of the cold. Doc was looking at him like he was waiting for something? Oh, right… um.

"Im cold"

Stupid. Why did I say that. What is wrong with you.

"…You're cold?.."

He probably thinks im being weird, I should just go back-

"You can sleep with me if you want, it's okay"

Oh.

Doc gestured for Hank to climb in bed, gently pulling his hand. The medic smiled sleepily, making room as Hank settled down beside him. He wasn't kidding, Hank's skin was cold to the touch.

"Poor thing, why didnt you tell me?" His voice rough from waking up, Doc shifted to face his body towards his partner, who glared back at him.

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No, i'm not making fun of you," So defensive. Doc tried to stifle his giggles, burying his face into a pillow. He looked back up to Hank, putting a hand on his masked face. Cold, so cold.

"Were you too shy to ask?" The medic asked slyly, smiling even wider once Hank furrowed his brows again.

"No, I wasnt shy. I just… thought it would be weird."

Now Doc was raising his eyebrows, "you thought it would be weird to sleep with me, the guy who so happens to be your boyfriend." Hank blinked, and pushed his face into Doc's hand. Warmth.

"I dunno. Stop making me feel weird." Feeling sheepish, Hank's face heated a little. I guess it wouldn't have been that strange for me to ask to sleep with him. The taller man sighed, and pressed his body into Doc's. Warm, so damn warm.

"Yeah, this is what you've been missing out on." Doc rubbed his thumb over where Hank's cheek would be, he felt a little bad for him. Hank's room wasn't the warmest, but he didn't realize his body stopped warming up as much as it should. Should've invited him to sleep with me.

"Do you feel better?"

Hank nodded, wrapping an arm around Doc's back, pressing them so close together it felt like he'd never be cold again. He let the medic pull his mask down, the light touches of his fingers made Hank's heart flutter. Doc set a hand on his jaw, letting his heat seep into the cold metal, and pulled him closer for a kiss. The feeling of Doc's lips against his own made the warmth in Hank's chest grow, he pressed deeper, savoring the taste of his lover.

Once they pulled their faces away to breathe, Hank buried his face into Doc's neck, his fur soft against his scarred face.

"I love you."

Gentle hands stroked the back of Hanks neck, and wrapped around his back. "I love you too," replied Doc's voice. There was another sound, a trill. The medic was purring, low and a little rough, as if he hasn't done that in a long time. For once, Hank felt comfortable, warm, happy, and safe. He finally drifted off into a deep sleep, the best he's had in months.

[lobotomyladylives]

Hey i am also anti psych as an institution but im also in therapy and on meds because I cant function.............. do you believe the meds can benefit me or am i just lining their pockets at my own detriment? im not about taking medical advice from tumblr but i have been looking for more opinions because im not knowledgeable on this and i want to read

I'm the first to admit that some people do in fact benefit from their meds, I'm one of those people to some extent. I am pretty happy with a few of my prescriptions. but on a larger scale, there are certain classes of medications that are widely prescribed that I believe do far more harm than good in the way they're currently being used.

the most harmful of these are antipsychotics. I used to be on one & I now refuse to take it, APs are just a chemical lobotomy, they literally shrink your brain over time + make you balloon up & give you diabetes, tardive dyskinesia, etc, thats just the tip of the iceberg. literally every single schizophrenic client I had who had been on APs for a long time had a million physical health issues bc of them & most were very lethargic to the point of falling asleep during group therapy.

while APs do have their uses in extremely severe cases, the big problem with them is that doctors aren't just prescribing them as a short term silver bullet to deal with severe psychotic episodes, as they ought to. they are handing them out like candy to anyone & everyone, from people with PTSD to curmudgeonly elderly patients to literal children, usually "difficult" ones in the foster care system, prison inmates with MH conditions-even people with nothing more than mild depression get given APs. and it's all bc big pharma sent their pill pushers out with bogus fraudulent studies exaggerating the positive effects & downplaying the negative ones so that they could make more money off meds that ought to be a very rare Rx.

this is also my primary issue with the second most harmful class of MH drugs, benzos. they work phenomenally when taken /as needed/ to stop panic attacks but psychs who prescribe them as a long term every day solution need to have their licenses taken away & I'm so serious about that. benzo withdrawal is the worst there is, you can literally die from it & it lasts YEARS with an insane amount of horrible side effects including rebound anxiety. I know people who trusted that their psychiatrist knew best & took xans for mild anxiety & now they literally cannot get off them, they are physically & mentally addicted & it's more difficult to kick than a heroin addiction (not exaggerating). well, guess who's a paying pharma patient for life now? how convenient.

SSRIs (as well as SNRIs) are another extremely commonly prescribed class that's come under fire recently due to the fact that the studies showing their efficacy were discovered to have been completely falsified. they literally don't do what the pharma companies claimed they do, the science is NOT there & on top of that they have some nasty side effects. what's particularly scary is what can happen when you try to come off them (withdrawal symptoms lasting years, anhedonia, also PSSD-there are people who haven't had an orgasm in years after coming off these drugs). I'm planning to take part in some of the lawsuits that are in the works due to this mass defrauding of mental health patients including myself.

the body count psychiatry has is a direct result of our for profit healthcare system that incentives overprescription, and the issue is so massive that I honestly think it totally dwarfs the opioid crisis prior to the overcorrection & fent & tranq being introduced. fuck, at least opioids /actually/ do what they're supposed to do, unlike most of these MH meds. it's insane & infuriating. I recommend reading Mental Health Inc if you want to know more about this, it gives you a sense of the scope of this issue.

[dysaniadisorder]

i could talk forever about sydney o sargent but you know what gets me? what really fucking gets me? how badly he wants to LISTEN

he talks all fucking day. says anything and everything to anyone thats around because he spends every other month of the whole year isolated and alone and so he talks 'too much'!!! and to most people outside his situation, like Salem, assume he just loves the sound of his own voice. but he doesn't!!! he fucking hates himself! thing is, 99% of the time, theres just no one around to actually talk to! plenty of times he invites campers down to his office to talk to him, about life, about horror, but im never over when he says "or just to chat! I'd... i'd love to chat." christ alive he just wants somebody to talk to.

a scene that makes this glaringly fucking obvious is when Rowan comes down to his office, but after getting his medications just... sits down to talk. And Rowan talks, about his day and his time at camp and whatnot, and Syndey says fucking nothing. when was the last time someone wanted to just idly share something about themselves with him? he ends up making it awkward by accident, he doesnt want to talk over Rowan and drive him away so he doesnt talk at all until Rowans already leaving.

in the recording between Jedidiah & Sydney in college, Jedidiahs having a little rant about thee stupidest thing ever, but Sydney is listening so intently and so interested. and in the clock of meantime when he recounts Jedidiahs account of his dream... in the story he doesnt interrupt Jedidiah at all. and when Jedidiah stops talking, "[Sydney's] voice filled the night once more." he'd talk and talk and talk but as soon as Jedidiah expresses any want to he craves any chance to listen to what other people have to say

i think this is also a pretty good standard for why he became friends with Yvonne and Joshua in college- theyre both pretty intense people who talk a lot, but who are good at holding a conversation- both with each other and with people who are relatively hard to talk to (like Jedidiah). I also think this makes Sydneys friendship with Marisol really important because she's very similar in a way. She always has something important to say and something she wants to express but she's incredibly concerned about other people and so rarely has a chance to say it. I love the scene where Sydney leaves his recorder behind to go hang out with Marisol at the bonfire. i think it is a distant and fleeting but incredibly important moment among a sea of horrible things through the whole summer, that Sydney describes Marisol as both easy and fun to talk to

[cloudychodylovely]

My anxiety and depression and PSTD has been almost uncontrollable lately due to social media and people. I haven't figured out out to have more control over it and unfortunately, doctors keep saying I need to see a therapist for what I have in order to get medication to help balance me out. I wish I knew what it was like not to have any mental issues, I wish I knew what it was like to feel just happy all the time with little to no anxiety and worry and the feeling of always being scared and uneasy. I only wish I knew.. I always wonder where all this began, I know where my PTSD came from, I know where my anxiety grew more and more but everything else? Where did it come from? I also know somethings happened in my childhood that I knew as I got older wasn't okay, I also did lose my bestfriend in 20o8, first friend I ever made in my life, first crush, first boyfriend, met him in 1999 and lost him an that is where my depression came into place. My life changed. As a young adult I started fearing death and dying. I do believe in god but the thought of dying scares me so much and I almost go into a panic attack but also there is apart of me that wants to die because sometimes life can be really hard. I just want to change and be happy all the time instead of half the time. I want to stop believing the internet and everyone around me. I want to just feel normal and get myself and health and mental health into a better state. I want to grow really old and look back and enjoy reflecting on all my memories in my life instead of looking back and all I see is someone sad, anxious, depressed, always worrying about things that others say and post. I just want it all to stop. I want to feel calm and content. I think honestly that I have neglected my physical health that it is infecting my mental health. For afew years I started to stop caring about myself physically and in 2018 thats where it really started to show. I hate that year so much. PTSD came into my life that year. Such a dark year for me. I did a lot of horrible things and I still do them but I am trying to change. I am trying to make it all right. I guess I aint perfect I mean I am so messed up in my own mind. I just hope and pray one day, I will feel.. okay.

I hope that anyone that feels how I do knows that it's just voices in your head, don't listen to social media, don't listen to other people. Do things you love and step away from social media and things that can trigger you. You will be okay. I will be okay, ya know?

I really wish I can take my own advice but my anxiety always takes over sometimes. :/

[lightbulb-warning]

[MAJORLY uncoherent anecdotal storytine:]

entertainment value: mild

cw: blood exams (not described in detail), vague mentions to struggles that aren't elaborated on, tmi personal rambling written by someone who is loopy from blood loss aka bad grammar/syntax/morphology/yeah also this got long whoops

im feeling mega loopy cuz blood exam (dundnt faint!! how outstanding of me. iamcurrently instanding. batumtssk!!i lie down now.)

but AT the blood exam a newer nurse stopped by and my usual nurse was like "PIVELLA meet [redacted <- (me. im redacted.)] this kid is a STAPLE in this department bla bla" and wow mom look im famius!! it only took me getting my blood displaced and stared at medically and faintinf a lot very often hshahahaah

the usual nurse is so NICE she's been doing my blood check traslocations since ive been like 15 i think maybe earlier?? idk idk i love her she's so nice and a kickass lady and she bullies all her coworkers and also me a lot!!! bully as in teasing she's nice yeah anyway yeah

me having to get my blood checked often is really inconvenient and kinda sucks!!! because i get koed and fuck if i can do anything for the next 24hs blegh but but BUT this lady has seen my grow up and seenbthe fuck up my life became and is seeing me pick up the peices abd whenever she sees me in the waiting room she shouts "its YOU" very dramatically and the staff has inside jokes about me and my dumv unoptimezed blood stats and thats REALLY NICE SOBS

like i dont wanna make a fable moral out of it like live love kaugh kindess uwu because realistacally, when i was fucked up previously (in the way that was bad compared to how i am fucked up now. funny joke. laugh.) i didn't gove two shits about people being nice to me because i was a massive hater and hated myself most (loser behavior!!!! the world hates you already love yourself out of SPITE!!!!!!!!!!) so people going out of their way to make a horrible situation slightly less horrible for me COMPLETELY went over my head "broom broom autopilot kill crush destroy ourselves!!!" (<- that's what my head looked like.ew there's no whimsy and silly in there, gross!! jk baby me gets the reatroactive love myself treatment bc noone els ecan do that for me!! what was i saying) and yeah i wasn't neurobiologically capable of giving two shits about anything, especially some random nurse going out of her way to crack jokes but idk i appreciated now!!! and she realizes i appreciate it now!!! and it's nothing big or grandiose i guess the world is still turning and nothing in the essential state of things changes bc i did a navelgazey testimony of WOW SOMETIMES THINGS CAN BE OKAY OCASSIONALLY HOLY SHIT?? but also!!! if i don't do it!!!!!!! who will!!???????

aesop would prolly write about foxes and grapes and terracotta pottery and crows and things being okay with time, but ME, a certified "just some guy", is gonna ramble about " it's gonna be okay" semantics because its!! been!! bullshit!! BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!!

shit got SO MUCH worse than what i could've imagined in my catastrophation!!!!!! id wasted my life preparing and planning for all the plans Ds and Gs and Js and Zs because my situation was FUCKED and i didn't have power to fix it, and too bad!!! SHIT HAPPENS AND IT SUCKS!!! time isn't gonna fix SHIT!!!!!! time is just a tracker of when!!! time does no good time does no harm!!!! what time did give my stupid fucking idiot idiot lovely self was time to change!!! not in just "omg change your perspective ✨" (which can be really really really important!! but you shouldn't take anyone's shit just because you see their perspective!!!! no you don't deserve to be treated like shit!!!!!! they don't deserve to get away with treating anyone like shit!!!!! what makes you so special that the world's evil needs to converge upon you?? you're just some guy!! they're just some guy!!! you be nice to you!!)

time is just there!! what does get okay with time is being!!! your enemy is no longer gonna cause you stress once you outlive them!!! you can be better than your yesterday self at any time!!! life goes on if you fuck up everything and you CAN do whatever you want with the peices!!! FAIL!!! FEAR!!! if we're scared we do it scared!!! it's not gonna be okay because its gonna be perfect, it's gonna be okay because it CAN be different!!

im still not """""fixed""""" , im still screwing things up and i still don't really understand what exactly is """""wrong""""" with me and that's okay for now, and hey!! i am capable of having a nice interaction with someone!!!! that's progress.

massive tangent lmao

local tumblr user gets some blood consensually stolen, has a positive interaction with someone, goes home and starts preaching at [unidentified recipient] jesus fucking christ maiora go to sleep this isn't the time for monologues

tl;dr: someone was nice to me just to be nice and im happy because i wouldn't have been able to appreciate it previously and it's nice to see people being nice for the sake of it

im nap now buh bye thanks for reading have a night or day!!!! be nice to you i can't do that for you!!! /lh

<3

[lexa-griffins]

Can you break my heart and make me cry today? I wanna know about the major angst involving Bedwarmer Clarke and Lexa's baby from the poll we did

😈😈😈😈 there are two plot points of angst.

One of them, I won't say much - i will say there were two babies, and now there's only one. They didn't know there were two babies.

For the second point:

They are pretty far off in the pregnancy by now. Lexa has been trying to take it easy but she's still heda and she also has a small toddler to take care of so she does move a whole lot and assists with training and refuses to slow down to much even if Clarke thinks she should.

She's adamant that despite everything she is not at risk during the pregnancy, the midwives have told her she is healthy and should be perfectly fine to go about her business - as so many women do on the ground. Clarke wants to disagree, but the medical training she got on the ark barely touched pregnancy and childbirth and sometimes she really wished her mom was alive to go and ask her for advice but without her all she has is her medical instinct and a sense of doom.

That night, Lexa wakes up like usual, the baby making her go to the bathroom is by now a fairly normal occurrence at eight months. She waddled her way to the bathroom, trying to be quiet with Madi asleep with them in the bed. She's half asleep, not paying much attention to anything until she sees it. Blood, in her underwear.

No. No no no. Not now. Not this time. Not again, please no.

She wakes up Clarke to tell. Lexa feels horribly calm too. Perhaps she already knew it was going to happen, had accepted it long before it happened. When Clarke wakes up at first, she assumes Lexa is in labor but Lexa tells her no, she's spotting and they need to go to the midwife.

Madi half wakes up in the commotion of them asking a guard to watch her, and Lexa only starts to choke up when the little girl calls her over and kisses her tummy because she "wants to say bye bye to her baby sibling". She says it all the time when Lexa leaves in the morning, she doesn't mean anything by it but it feels far too real this time.

When the midwife tells them she cannot be sure and that they will have to wait to see how it progresses, Clarke feels the urge to kick the old woman. What the fuck does she mean they have to way and see?! Thats their baby! If she was in the ark, if if Clarke had managed to help, if her people hadnt been so fucking stupid maybe theyd have their technology and theyd be able to know if the baby inside Lexa is still alive or not, they could just remove the baby instead of waiting to see if her wife will have to give birth to... she cant even think about that.

They go back to the room. Clarke cannot stop pacing as if trting to remember anything that could help them right now. Lexa seems to barely be aware of anything around her, staring ahead, hands in her stomach hoping to feel a movement, a hiccup, something. But the baby is awfully quiet and still, Lexa can barely remember if she felt them move at all through the day and shevstarts to question if there is something she could have done today, yesterday, at all to save their baby. Maybe she could have done everything different. Or maybe she could have done nothing at all because this baby was just a wild fantasy that was never to be.

Madi is asleep next to them. So sweet and small. She's been so excited for a sibling, she already adores Lexa so much and had been so affectionate towards Lexa's bump over the past 3 months (yes, only three. Lexas eight months pregnant, that is not a typo 👀). It breaks Lexa's heart even more, having to explain to her where the baby has gone.

At some point, they fall asleep. Neither have cried yet because despite all of their sureness in the end of this dream, neither dare to acknowledge it might be over.

Lexa wakes up with a pain on her side. She groans at it. She does not want to wake, she does not want to face the day knowing she might be less whole by the end of it.

The pain again. She swats at whatever is making it but catches nothing.

And again.

"Nomon."

"Madi baby shh"

"Nomon."

"Hmm"

"Nomon, baby want you to wake up."

"Not yet Madi."

"Baby kicking nomon. Up! Befast!"

[schizopositivity]

i have occassional bouts of catatonia (akinetic and excited) and i've never really met anyone else with it. would you be interested in talking more about what's it's been like for you?

if not, then i hope you have a good day/night regardless. also i love your blog. it's comforting and informative ^_^

aw thank you! and yay i love hearing about people with lived experience of catatonia cause its so hard to find people talk about what it feels like so im happy to share!

so all but one of my catatonic experiences happened before i was diagnosed or medicated for schizophrenia, and was a teenager, and was living with my immigrant mom who has very little understanding of schizophrenia (besides her horrible father) so she legit didnt know what to do with me at these times. i dont blame her for not knowing but this is just a disclaimer as to why she handled certain things the way she did.

there were a few times (maybe around 10) where i was left alone, saw a bunch of hallucinations and then conciously "woke up" (usually i was hiding under a table) to my mom yelling at me to move. and then i was just stuck. i couldnt move at all even tho i wanted to and was told to. she was usually freaking out herself and super worried about me. she thought i was "faking it" and would demand that i stop. obviously this didnt help my situation at all, all i wanted was to move and show her i could atleast act okay, but i couldnt. i would usually black out what had led up to me hiding under the table so i couldnt even explain this if i wanted to. i dont really remember how all of these situations resolved, just that it was very stressful and i would try to move any lil muscle but couldnt. i dont really know what would help in these situations, just that she probably shouldve gotten me professional help.

another memorable moment of catatonia for me kinda is hard for me to personally destinguish from some sort of dissociation just because i was in and out of conciousness. but what i do remember was me being in the passengers seat while my mom was driving and kinda bashing around and yelling and feeling like i had no control over those actions. my mom, being scared that i would hurt myself or her, couldnt think of anything to help besides forcing sleeping pills down my throat, which eventually knocked me out. in that moment i think i shouldve been taken to a hospital.

the most recent time ive experienced catatonia is the one i remember most clearly because i was already diagnosed at the time and on antipsychotics. i wasnt home alone, but i was alone in the room i was in. i dont rememeber what led up to it but i had a panic attack that left me sitting strangley on the floor. from there my breathing suddenly slowed down and i couldnt move at all. i felt compeltely stuck no matter what i did. i wanted to move so badly, i wanted to yell to the other people in the house to help me, but i couldnt. i felt stiff and uncomfortable, and in the moment it felt like id be stuck like that forever. after some time that felt very long had passed, and i had attempted to move every muscle i had, i was able to bend my elbow. so i did that over and over to try to get someones attention but it didnt work. i probably looked so "out of it" like i had drool and snot hanging down and was bending my elbow and extending it nonstop but i was fully aware of what i was doing and how i looked, i just couldnt do anything about it. after more time had passed i started moving my fingers and toes and everything else came after that. idk what wouldve helped in this situation since it did pass eventually, maybe just someone there to be with me and tell me it was going to be okay.

im no expert on catatonia i just have my experiences. its generally said that you should make sure the persons airways are clear and that they are in a confortable position and not close to any dangerous objects. its also said that you should take the person to the hospital, and for me i dont think thats needed. id just like someone i trust to be there and tell me its okay, to time it to see if it lasts longer than an hour than i should go to a hospital, and maybe try to move my limbs around to see if that would help.

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[spaceoperajay]

i dont like being alone i dont like that my partner is three hours away. <--- very large understatement on account of how emotional i am. i've been told i am always such an independent person said in awe but like that is not some hard-earned thing its just who i am. i struggled understanding people AT ALL when i was child and that morphed into an ease of doing what i wanted as i did. i do like it about myself, but the independence doesn't make lonliness not hurt.

i miss them and you know what when they're here i genuinely feel independent and strong because i have someone to trust and lean on if i do need it. like i've considered "is this co-dependence?" and my answer is no because i think having someone to come home to is very normal want and american society is so so lonely.

ugh i need to go back on anti-anxiety meds. i think my hesitance is from the Horrible Meds And The No Good Bad Times but to prevent such a thing from happening again i need to 1) get an actually good psychiatrist. if such a thing exists. 2) tell people my treatment plan so if im not following it alarm bells are raised. like i could lie, which me in No Good Bad Times is prone to do, but at least people asking about it would be a check. probably need a sleep aide too.

i am cynical about medication in general. shouldnt i just like, be allowed to chnage my life circumstances so i dont need them. nope lol. function > happiness dont we love pyschiatry. but it the facts are that in the world we live in functioning better can lead to happiness.

another thing to bitch about is honestly i wondered "is this a vent to maybe not post publicly" because of my asshole stalkers lovinggggg to mock me for daring to complain about a medium distance relationship??? like i never implied it was worse than a long distance one. but if they are still going around my blocks to look at my blog or my vents. like. idk. thats kind of sad. not going to stop my lil diary because of them.

work is frustraing i did nothing during the last two weeks because no one was checking that i was. they made passive aggressive comments about a deadline that was missed because i forgot to sign approval on something on a friday then that monday WAS THE CAR ACCIDENT. then they pressured me into going in on tuesday because i had to approve it in person. and i did. ugh. well, went in for liek an hour.

[toothlespoggers]

”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.

WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO

“hey man, you ight?”

“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE

“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”

LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.

YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:

“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.

I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.

WE ALL DO.

BUT LOOK AROUND.

IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.

BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”

like. SERIOUSLY.

so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.

you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.

And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.

I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.

but I can’t do anything about it.

I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.

because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.

Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.

FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.

(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)

[kuiperror]

i watched the 2015 film "the danish girl" for my english class and i have to write an essay thats due eod tomorrow SO to get my juices a flowin i'm gonna review the movie here first. spoilers from here on out duh

So this movie was kind of 😐. i knew about lili elbe and gerda wegerner way before this movie , im not like a historian on them but i know that gerda supported lili in her transition and they were still very much together and in love up until the last years of lili's life in 1930 shortly after their marriage was dissolusioned since lilli transitioned and their marriage couldn't be recognized anymore. Also like gerda was a huuuugee woman lover she painted a lot of lesbian erotic art. i was actually really confused most of the film like "ok when is gerda going to start accepting lili and theyre going to be happy with eachother?" but i guess portraying gerda as anything but straight is too much somehow and she needs to rely on a man to help her process the horrible situation of her wife discovering who she is and medically + socially transitioning :(

obviously that was sarcasm , but that does happen in the film. Ok to be real, i will probably finish writing this post, draft a few pages of my essay and rewatch the film again in the morning because im having trouble processing this movie. its earnestly coming off as a nothing burger to me. i was keeping an open mind about how they portray lili's gender awakening and her subsequent female persona as a different person where lili can only be "einar" or "lili" depending on what she is physically presenting as, because this is set in the 1920s and obviously they do not have the same vocabulary and terms for things we do, hindsight is 20/20, that sort of thing. but like. i really expected them to steer away from that way of presenting things, because in the modern-day most (and yes. generalizing but thats how the cookie crumbles in analysis situations) transgender people view their agab self and their "transitioned" self as the same person, because. you really are the same person, you just look differently, a way that is more conjunct with your perception of your gender identity. so i was really expecting lili to start thinking of herself as both "lili" and "einar" or like explain to gerda that she is still the same person she knew, just different, in a way. but no, they keep going on with the "two identities" thing, and while that probably is the way that Real Life lili thought of herself, if the story is going to divert from reality then you can absolutely use fictionilization to your advantage to more clearly explain transgender identities to your cis audience .

one thing i did Not really like was the fact that lili's gender euphoria was always tied with her sexuality. and like. yeah gender ties with sexuality, duh, i would be a fool if i acted like they were seperate, but for lili biggest moments of gender euphoria are portrayed as sensual sexual pleasure. like when a naked gerda pulls off lili's male clothing to reveal a silky camisole underneath or when lili goes to a live peep show and mimics the girl inside, trying to learn to act feminine but stops when the girl sees her (as lili is presenting masculine and doesn't want to raise suspicion) but eventually she loses herself in the pleasure and continues to mimic the girl until she reaches down and remembers she has a penis instead of a vagina and its like... normally i would be cool with this kind of sexual portrayal if this movie was written or directed by a trans person or like 1:1 based off of a trans person's experience but this movie is Obviously made for cis people by cis people. and i would say that a LOT of cishet people, even those who are "allies", think that queer identities are inherently sexual. thats why they say that "children can't be in queer relationships" or that "all trans women / trans people are perverts" because they cant imagine divorcing queerness from sex. and just like the way that the movie refers to lili as having "two identities", this REALLY isnt helping cis audiences understand transppl better.

i think that this movie is helping american society step away from the bare minimum idea that trans ppl (but basically just trans women) are manipulating / abnormal and should only be used in media to point and laugh and say "EWWW the main character had sex with them that's disgusting!!" or "this Trans character is the Villain and they are SOOOO unhinged!" in horror and shit. but it isnt that good at representing like. nuance in gender identity or things like that .

K going to take a break and then continue slaving away at my keyboard

[glittergutts]

My new cholesterol medication has caused me to feel absolutely insane and I can't stop thinking about morbid, scary, violent stuff and imagining death and losing everyone I love in horrible way.

Yea I googled if it could be the meds because I know thats really not me. Turns out I had yet another bad reaction and I'm upset my doctor didn't explain the risk of side effects knowing damn well I'm on 2 anti psychotics, and an anti depressant.

So yea now my mental health is suffering because of yet another careless doctor. Fucking great this is just a small part of the reason I have no trust for any medical professionals and I probably never will.