#i always think- if that were the case I could have avoided my traumatic years and grown up much happier

[captain-crowfish]

They say to never trust how you feel about your life after 9PM but it's always before 9PM somewhere. Anyway I think I might be a therian

[faultsofyouth]

I was talking to my nb a few weeks ago about our relationships with our parents and when I said something like "I don't expect you to forgive your parents because your parents treated you worse than mine did" he hit me with "I don't think that's true. I never slept in someone's shed to get away from My parents" and im sat here days later like 😶

[astrobydalia]

🪐 Astro Observations!!!✨

Happy 2024 babes! Here’s to another year sharing astrology stuff with all of you 🤩

work by astrobydalia

Yes water moons have great intuition and could be psychic but I very often notice they tend to allow their personal feelings interfere with their decisions and could tend to not follow their intuition as much. The ones that have a more reliable or unbiased intuition imo are Earth moons and Aquarius moon.

Scorpio Venus really do gravitate to unhealthy relationships… All their connections tend to have unfair or imbalanced dynamics to them where there’s no equal give and take. They believe love means throwing yourself and your life away for another person (or they expect someone to give everything away for them) with little to nothing in return. They may not understand the difference between deep intimacy and unhealthy attachment

Libra placements and their ability to appear likable even when they have the shittiest personality deep down

In my opinion Moon is the most important planet if you really wanna begin to know someone at their core. Ultimately no planet can give you full info without the context of the whole chart tho (#AllPlanetsMatter), but you can really uncarcarve sm about someone just by moon placement/aspects/degree, etc. Moon rules your needs and so it really cements your personality and its an energy that you'll project in so many areas of your life (relationships, career, etc)

Fixed Mars are ARGUMENTATIVE fr fr. They need to have the last word and will die on that hill if they have to💀Honorable mention: Virgo/Gemini Mars due to Mercury influence but they’re more about friendly banter and aren’t as stubborn

80% of Aries Moons I've met were very philosophical/spiritual/religious. They can develop a self-awareness that gives them a lot of wisdom. The other 20% were just adult toddlers and very egotistic...

Capricorn placements and their internalized elitism. They really do believe some people are better than others which is the shadow of Capricorn unfortunately

Aquarius Moons are some of the most traumatized people I know fr fr. Whenever I get to know their life and backstory Im always like bro….😶😶 It makes me so sad cause they always bring such good vibes everywhere (they have a playful aura) when in reality there’s a depth of pain underneath you wouldn’t even fathom through that unbothered persona. The OG misunderstood.

We all know Scorpio is all about depth, intensity and looking beyond the surface but I’ve very often observed the exact opposite in scorpio placements. They could tend to be very superficial, greedy and materialistic, more obsessed with wealth and status than any earth placement (it all comes down to power). In such cases their interest in occult or deep topics could also be superficial or opportunistic, like they only see it as something that could give them a leg up in life or help them avoid unseen threats but that's about it.

Cancer Risings do not come across as sensitive at all. They tend to have a rather sassy personality and are pretty defensive 90% of the time tbh. Think about it, are crabs 🦀 cute and cuddly? No, you actually actually have to be very careful around one cause they sting lol. They do wear their heart on their sleeves and are very sensitive and perceptive but because of this they constantly feel like their vulnerability is out for everyone to see hence the guarded attitude.

^I've also noticed they are VERY opinionated and will hold on very tightly to how they think/feel about something. This results in having a reputation for being kinda bold and sharp (Aries 10th). Pro tip: do NOT question these native's morals or integrity unless you wanna see a very snappy side to them, they respond very very very badly if you even insinuate that they might be hypocritical in their values/what matters to them

The interpretation that Aquarius in the 4th house means you’re an outcasted black sheep in the family low-key doesn’t make sense to me tbh. Aquarius is the sign of camaraderie, friendship, inclusivity and community. All the people that I’ve seen with this placement were actually very bonded to their roots and considered their family (and the people they bonded with during childhood) to be "their people" (they also keep their friends close to heart). These natives do tend to distinct themselves as they grow up but this is due to Leo 10th house. I've noticed their family is in general very supportive of them or at the very least they received some input in their upbringing that made them feel special and/or like their uniqueness was celebrated. Feel free to share your opinion/experience tho

I've noticed Virgo Mars people have a perfect balance between being confident in themselves and fulling trusting their abilities while also staying humble and acknowledge room for improvement. Very mature and self-accountable and they're also great people to work with cause they are highly appreciative of good contribution

Sagittarius placements and their ability to be casually rude in a charming way??? 😭

Moon in the 10th house do not have a reputation for being emotional at all, it's quite the opposite they dislike exposing their feelings like that. A lot of their energy is spent trying to appear put-together and emotionally stable. The ones I've noticed have a reputation for being moody or sensitive are Mars in the 10th house

Venus-Moon aspects probably grew up in an environment that fed up this idea they had to be beautiful and conventionally likable in order to be worthy of love. These natives tend to base their self-worth on the amount of emotional validation they get from others and struggle telling the difference between kindness and love

A couple notes on everyone’s fave topic: 8th house synastry

We all know this overlay deals with power dynamics. On a general basis I’ve noticed it’s the planet person who tends to have the upper hand. Exeption: Moon. When your moon falls in someone’s 8th house you tend to be vulnerable one due to the soft nature of this planet, but the house person secretly feels more intimidated

You will NAWT be able to keep secrets from someone you have 8th house synastry with specially if you’re the house person. Sooner or later they’ll see through you, circumstances might force you to expose yourself or you’ll simply feel drawn to revealing the truth to them. With water synastry in general you will feel drawn to share more deep or hidden parts of yourself/your life but with the 8th house you can’t help it, like there’s almost an accusatory tension between the two that grows the more you try to hide something from them

Something I see no one mentioning about 8th house synastry is the planet person always feels intimidated by the house person's success. The planet person will try to take part in the house person's success by taking some credit and have a sense of control over what belongs to the house person, it's giving Kanye's "I made that bitch famous". At best the planet person would want to help boost the house person's endeavors. Either way, when someone's planets land on your 8th house, you will never feel like something is completely yours anymore, somehow the planet person will "take" something away from you that you can't get back making you feel like you owe them or they owe you something big (8th house=debt), which is why this overlay very often goes south and tends to be very depleting.

If we're talking business (which 8th house deals with that) the house person is likely to take a risk on the planet person, invest on them (can be money, time, resources, trust, etc) in hopes that it'll pay off. The house person is most likely to loose something from their involvement with the planet person, but they can also gain a lot from the planet person if the investment pays off. In either case, one could tend to exploit the other if there’s any ill intent from the individual

Water mars people are very smothering in their affection tbh. Once you’ve been chosen, get ready to be bombarded by their attention a bit more each time. Secret stalker vibes.This doesn’t always mean they love you tho, if underdeveloped they may want to “bond” in order to have emotional control over you and use you. For them it’s easy to get what they want through manipulation so leading people on or fooling around is something they tend to do a lot

Going back to the affection topic, water venus are smothering too but they go about their obsession devotion in a much more soft and non-domineering way where they give a lot of power away to their partner

People with Gemini+Scorpio placements in their chart embody the mischievous trickster archetype fr fr. They’re funny but also a menace. Have an ease to become that type of deceitful manipulator who thrives in chaos

I have a theory that your Moon represents the kind of bond or relationship you have with your mother but Ceres represents how your mother actually is

Capricorn and Scorpio placements are huge tsunderes imo 😭

Chiron in Sagittarius/9th house have become disappointed with religious and/or academic institutions. For them both systems are essentially flawed and don't work or don't make sense

+When it comes to religion I've seen a lot of them being atheist and skeptics. Some others still believed in god/universe/etc. but they did not want to support any stablished religious institution and instead have preferred to craft their own belief system. In both cases, they saw the institutionalization of believe systems as something that hindered their freedom of thought and expansion

+When it comes to academics a very similar thing happens. They felt like collage and the educational system restricted their mind instead of expanding it so they just preferred to walk their own path and find growth elsewhere. A friend of mine with this placement quit collage and the other people I've seen who did finish it all said they had a kinda dreadful and/or unfulfilling collage experience which they low-key regret

If you’ve ever felt powerless in the house where you have your pluto, that’s because you gave your power away to the opposite house. For example, if you have Pluto in the 5th house and you felt powerless when it comes to expression, your creativity, etc that’s because you gave too much power to the public opinion/peer pressure (11th house) and what they may say about you if you express yourself genuinely

Scorpio Moons always battle with that "am I a good person?", "am I a monster deep down?" inner conflict. They are more in touch with darker emotions and experiences than the average person so for them it's particularly easy to channel their shadow. This can often make them doubt their own integrity or think they are doomed to never feel happiness and inner peace. This is moon's debilitation for a reason, their inner emotional world is ruled by chaos and turmoil and they tend to be a bit too comfortable (moon) in toxicity and drama, nothing is ever light-hearted for them. If developed this ability of staying in touch with the shadow side of things can actually give them lots of awareness and resilience for the darker sides of the world as well as a very solid moral compass and compassion

Leo Moons likely had grandiose standards forced on them that inflated their self-importance. It's giving "mommy told me I am the best and most special of all" which is great but now they be carrying that mindset for the rest of their lives and this is where lot of their infamous sensitivity and fragile ego comes from cause not fulfilling these standards deeply hurts their heart. In consequence they tend to be more unprepared to accept humbling experiences that'll make them mature

virgo risings are funny!!!! I haven't seen anyone mention this, but every virgo rising I've met cracked me UP, they are so witty and never misse a chance to throw in a cheeky joke every 2 minutes. I think this is overlooked because they keep a rather awkward demeanor to them which often makes for a rather dry delivery. Best examples of this are Ryan Raynolds, Keanue Reeves, Emma Watson, Cole Sprouse...

Also, all Virgo risings I've met tend to come across as huge snobs so it's very common that people don't take their humor or friendliness seriously

Honestly I've noticed this theme with Virgo/6th house inner placements in general where their judgemental nature always makes them unfriendly or snarky to some degree. They can be the kind of people who are never happy with anything and always have a bone to pick.

My main theory as to why Leo risings are the most shy out of all Leo placements is because a lot of them grew up in very problematic and dysfunctional families (Scorpio 4th house) where they were shamed for showing vulnerability or being genuine (Cancer 12th house)

I’ve noticed Aries Suns and Capricorn Suns tend to relate a lot to their fathers, they tend to have very similar character traits as their fathers. For good or for bad their relationship with their father is always very important in their personality.

I find that LEO Suns and Sagittarius Suns always be having daddy issues tho like 😭😭😭😭

One thing about Capricorn is they can be literal billionaires and yet will still refuse to spend a dime on something they think is not worth it

Mutable Moons don’t commit 10000% to things, they’re the type to always have a foot out just in case. They're most likely to commit to things if they don't feel forced or expected to stay permanently

Cardinal energy is very consistent and responsable. People with prominent cardinal placements have a really developed sense of agency, focus and direction (imo this will be more obvious with moon, mars and asc). There's something about them that always gives me this put together "I've got this" kinda vibe, they always seem like they've got it together and always know what to do even when they're lost.

Fixed mercuries and their inability to understand or accept that two different points can be true

Sun/Leo in the 3rd house could want to have a nice car, an expensive or luxurious car from a well-known brand

I’ve seen people saying Venus-Mars conjunction gives it girl vibes. This is also HIGHLY true for Mars-ruled Venus (Aries/Scorpio Venus) or Venus-ruled Mars (Libra/Taurus Mars)

work by astrobydalia

[bookwormlover10]

I need a fan fic ( or au) were Wayne family adventures Bruce decides to adopt old Dcau Bruce

You with me on this...ok so This is my pitch how it would go.

So it starts with wfa Bruce somehow ( maybe is the justice league or something else you decide) gets transported to the Dcau universe but in the beyond era. The man is obviously very confused it could be the taller and bigger Gotham or it could be the teenager with attitude calling himself batman.

Eneway he runs into the tomorrow knight and after some light confrontation Terry takes him to the bat cave were he meets the eder Bruce Wayne. After confirming things old Bruce dismissed Terry for the night

While things settle down wfa Bruce noticed that this old Bruce is lonely. This Bruce is all alone For the most part.( With expectations of course. The dog and this Terry fellow) The House looks hunted with romes are empty and dark. Alfred seems to be dead. It seems that he didn't have much sidekicks( sorry that the only way to explain the bat heros ) judging by the display case. He's pretty sure the doesn't have a Damian either. The kicker thought is when he shows a picture of his family to the older Bruce gave him a sad smile and said " that lovely but do me a favor don't mess up like I did."

Some how there is a way home with it with the beyond era justice league or the wfa Batfamily you decide. While going though the way home wfa Bruce decided 'you know what I'm taking this sad Old man with me' and surprises adoption to old Bruce. he just assumed that Terry well be fine. Yes Ace will run after his owner.

As expected old man Bruce doesn't take to kindly to the batnaping. His is pissed. His like " I'm supposed to be a warning! That wasn't a aboption call !" And like " Terry needs me! " He scolded wfa Bruce like an angry father.

I bet your wondering what the wfa Batfamily thing about this. Well one their Bruce explain his reasoning there like... Ok.... Then go along with it. They get a new grand-bat

The bat kid are ok with having a new grand-bat. But as time Bass they noticed that their new grand-bat is why more grouchy than their Bruce and some how More traumatized. I mean the old man said that dangling somebody off a roof was too soft. He looked at Alfred like hes a ghost ( maybe to him he is ) Every time Old man Bruce sees Dick and tim he always gives them a sad look with regrets and avoid them at all cost. Tim more so. Like Tim is his greatest failure.

Tim : why is he looking at me like that.

Jason: yea so

Tim: that the thing he's looking at me like...( Comes to the realization) .. like Bruce looks at you

Jason: huh !

Dick: ( is crying in a corner) at least he doesn't look at you like you hate him!

Old Bruce does try to escape and go home. Like there a Terry that needs him at home. Hes escape atemts fall though it comes to a pont stop thing " what would a Bruce do" to " what would a Terry do." And starts to make their life miserable. He starts to hack into the bat computer making their equipment act weird and pulls brakes on them. Thought he doesn't do it when he thinks that their a ligiment threat. They might have kidnapped him but he still has his morals after all these years.

Damien likes Old Bruce hes like the grandfather that Damien always wanted. He's tuff and experienced but not to mean ( still mean but not as much as he was when he first met Terry. thanks you Terry for softening the old bat up) . He gives him compliments when needed but well scold you when you do something stupid. He gives him head pats sometimes. He even has that mysterious old people candy that Jon was telling him. About. Not to mention he's has great taste in pets. ( Damien likes Ace very much.) Damien came to know this this Bruce never had a him. That fact made Damien a little sad. He always thought that there was a him with his father in every universe. He also thinks that his mother isn't with them in his universe cause every time he asks about his mother in his universe he always gives a sad smile and says " your mother was a very beautiful woman. With a good heart." The key word was was. Meaning that she was dead. He doesn't dare ask about his grandfather. The old bat does try to convince Damian to stop being Robin cause how kind get hurt. ( Cause you know trama ) Damien them mention this Terry fellow.Damian then decided that they need to keep the old man.

Old Bruce then release that these kids are traumatized and he became a little soft on the wfa Batfamily. He's everything started to open up to them. He starts telling them stories about his batman and justice league days. The bat kids are all surprise that welly West was a founding member of the justice league in his universe. He also gave wfa Bruce creeks and help him be a better batman. ( With all of the Batfamily to he honest) Tim and Jason eventually asked him to what happened to his Tim Drake. So old Bruce explained his Tim backstory and the joker jr situation. The bat boys than made the concussion that his Tim Drake is was more of a Jason Todd a Timmy todd if you will. When Tim and Jason explain both of their backstory to the old bat.

Wfa Bruce ( and Batfamily to an extent) does eventually feel gently about surprises adopting old man Bruce especially with how much he mentions Terry. Wfa Batfamily can tell that they have a father and son relationship. He said how he proud of him. He mentioned his grate battles or what Terry did for him . That wfa Batfamily can tell how much Terry means to the old bat. They know that he wasn't comply alone

Then eventually there's a knocking on the door of Wayne maner only to reveal a pisst of Dcau Tim going full Jason Todd on there ass. ( He has a gun and he's not afraid to use it ) an angry Terry mcginnis and Dcau Wally West is there cause I like him. You can also have Dcau dick Grayson there to.

See he has people who do care about him.

Then old man Bruce got to go home but the wfa Batfamily can still visit there grand bat in neo-Gotham

I also have a similar Idea but we're Damien kidnapped Timmy todd and Dcau dick is on the journey. Let me know if you want to here that to.

[grimgrazia]

Doors and Denji:

Doors are a common motif in CSM and hold many meanings. They act as a gateway to Hell, a metaphor for repressing trauma, and a symbol of the unknown. I believe they have some other meanings as well, but I’ll touch on those later. This is just the beginning of my analysis for now, and it focuses on Denji’s dream. This isn’t really an analysis on Denji’s character, I plan to do one for him later on. Also let me know if there are other parts of CSM I should analyze. I make plans for an analysis and then school gets in the way so I’ll forget about whatever I wanted to do.

The door in Denji’s dream is one of the most notable parts of the series. Behind the door are suppressed memories from Denji’s traumatic childhood. Each time he has this dream, a voice tells him not to open the door, and he doesn’t. I think it’s important to note that Denji shut those memories away himself. Denji doesn’t need permission to open that door because it’s his door. That being said, suppressing memories is a common response to trauma, so Denji is never aware of the fact he can choose to confront his past or not, because he forced himself to forget. After the Darkness Devil arc, Denji decides he is better off not opening the door, and he’s learned that knowledge isn’t always a great thing.

The door isn’t just locking trauma away, it’s also a symbol for the unknown. There is no foreshadowing or hints as to what could be behind that door in the manga, all we know is that it’s probably not good. We find out at the same time Denji does, when Makima forces that door open. Why would Denji want to open a door that most likely has something bad behind it? Why would anyone want to do that? Even in real life, no one can be 100% sure of what is behind a door (unless it’s transparent but that doesn’t apply here.) It’s kind of like putting a cat in a box and leaving it there for a long time. The cat could be dead, alive, or missing but it’s uncertain until you open the box again. Does the cat even exist still if you can’t see it anymore? (Plz tell someone knows this story I’m talking about). The closed door, like the unknown, leaves room for POSSIBILITY. Denji can’t know for certain what is behind that door until he opens it and sees for himself. To Denji, Aki might not be a fiend until he opens the door, just like the cat might not be dead until you open the box, if that makes sense.

Also, this room for possibility can make finding out the truth even more harmful. In Oedipus Rex, Oedipus was so sure of himself and his life. To be fair, he had no reason to believe that he was unsuccessful in avoiding his fate. His entire life was a lie. Denji remembers his father’s death as a suicide, instead of killing him in self defense. Like Oedipus, Denji had come to terms with a lie. Accepted it and moved on. It only makes sense for Oedipus and Denji to react with pure horror when learning or remembering years later. For so long, they believed they knew what happened. They were sure, so there was no need to think about it anymore. Everything in their lives were not as they appear, both Oedipus’ skepticism and Denji’s tendency to trust easily did more harm than good because of it. Neither of them did anything wrong, they simply responded to their respective situations. Responding to the circumstances is really the only control anyone truly has.

Unlike Oedipus, Denji is okay with not knowing what is behind that door. Denji can accept that he does not know everything, doesn’t need to know everything, and never will know everything. It’s impossible and attempting to do so can cause more trouble than it’s worth, like in Oedipus’ case. Learning about something that happened in the past won’t change anything, what’s done is done.

Denji’s decision to not open it can be interpreted in a few ways. You could see it as healthy and as Denji moving forward. He has a great bond with Aki and Power, he’s content with his life, why jeopardize it? Even so, this could also be seen as Denji avoiding the door. The door would have opened eventually, it was inevitable. The question was if Denji would do it himself. Denji wasn’t ready to open it yet. It’d be healthy if Denji confronts his trauma on his own terms, but that’s not what happens. Makima forces that door open on purpose. She’s well aware Denji isn’t ready, so she sees this as the perfect opportunity to ensure he can’t bounce back. That he can never live a normal life, thus breaking his contract with Pochita. Confronting trauma and healing from it is a slow process, but people can still move forward and live normal lives. However, it becomes extremely difficult when you’re overwhelmed by all of it in the matter of seconds.

Even though Denji CHOSE not not open the door after the Darkness Devil Arc, it opens anyways later on. The door was always going to open, it’s something Denji never would have been able to avoid. What he can do, is control how he reacts to it, but he doesn’t realize this immediately. Makima is counting on the fact that after what happened to Aki and Power, on top of forcing the door open, Denji won’t be able to move forward. If she is confident in Denji’s reaction, she has control. She orchestrated everything so she could be certain that Denji will be totally hopeless, and never live normally. She understands it’s difficult to control how people respond to things, especially when someone has lived a life like Denji’s.

“Time eases all things,” is a famous line from Oedipus Rex. By this, Creon means that over time, people move on or at least find ways to cope so that they can go about their daily lives. Makima realizes that after Himeno’s death, Denji does not get attached nor is he fazed easily. I think this is when she realizes she can’t just throw him into horrific situations, but must build his ideal life, let him be happy, and then rip it all away. The deaths of Aki and Power being so close to one another was crucial to this too, because Makima didn’t want to give Denji time to process what happened, or “ease the wounds.”

Makima becoming a mother figure for Denji contributed a lot as well. Fujimoto stated in an interview that their relationship is based off abuse from documentaries he watched. Unhealthy family dynamics cause conflicting feelings, especially if they are all you have. If Kishibe did not get to Denji in time, Makima’s plan definitely would have worked. Makima made Denji believe that he had no where else to go, he had no choice but to die. It’s in the safe room with Kishibe and Kobeni that Denji realizes he has not reached a dead end, or rather, reaching a dead end on one path doesn’t mean the same will happen on another path. He does what the mouse in Kafka’s “A Little Fable” couldn’t do: change his direction.

I hope this makes sense, I feel like I got off topic. Anyways, this doesn’t even scratch the surface of CSM, but this is all I have energy for right now sorry.

Also, I posted this on my tik tok too but it kept getting taken down. My TT is grimmjowstoenail for anyone who cares 🤷🏻‍♀️

[ygrworld]

Everything for my lady

summary: when eddie finds you at the library, he makes you an offer that turn into something else when you reach his house

word count: 3,4k+

warnings: none unless you count both you and eddie being huge ass virgins

author's note: its my first fanfic! at least in this blog, bc i used to write queen fanfic too T.T anyways, i hope you guys enjoy it and that you can forgive my grammar mistakes since english isn't my first language

Eddie couldn't stop looking at you.

He wanted to feel how soft your skin was, how your hair would feel under his hands caressing, and most important of all: how your body would react against his.

Don't get him wrong, he wasn't a creep, even though most girls would call him that because of his style, he tried to be respectful towards woman, never daring to target a girl with his silly jokes about D&D or social hierarchy. But whenever he thought about you, he felt like one. It felt wrong to know about you, and not even know what your voice sounded like.

He knew you liked to read a lot, always being seen with a book hold tightly in your arms. He knew you liked wearing skirts, seeing how much you were seen with them at school. He also knew you never ate at the cafeteria, taking your lunch somewhere else to eat. But if someone were to ask how your voice felt going through his ears and straight to his heart, he would never be able to answer, because your voice was never directed to him, or someone else in this case. You were quiet, shy, avoiding any eye contact when walking down the hallways.

Eddie had lost the feeling of fear of the judgmental looks long ago, but he knew how nervous you got when you had to get out of the cafeteria with your lunch tray, so he always made sure to make a scene, to attract all eyes towards him, so you could leave more calmly and not having people wonder where the silent girl would go.

He just wouldn't imagine that one day, the only thing he wanted to keep hidden, would be the same one that would make you finally grace him with your sweet voice.

︶︶︶ ⊹ ︶︶︶⠀୨♡୧⠀︶︶︶ ⊹ ︶︶︶

"Hey there Melissa, looking good as always, aren't we?"

Eddie said, pointing two finger guns towards the old librarian, who only pointed to the 'Keep your voice down' sign and kept doing her work. Kind as always, aren't we? he thought to himself.

Turning around one of the library corners and holding his papers and pens, Eddie eyes went looking table from table, trying to search one that was far away and unoccupied. Only that he stopped dead on his tracks at the sight of you, sitting alone on one of the tables near the window, with the sun reaching down on you and making you glow on his vision.

It took him an big amount of prep talk – thirty seconds of him saying to himself that he could do this, that it was as easy as traumatize children that thought that they finally killed his villain on a campaign only for him to return with nothing but a missing eye – to get close to your table. He wondered if this would annoy you, since there was a big amount of empty tables around yourself, since no one visited the library after classes ended.

Deciding to shut off his thoughts before they made him run away in anxiety, Eddie approached you and tried to think about ways to talk to you on his most calm demeanor, not wanting to make you feel like a cornered animal caught by their predator.

Sensing eyes on you, you looked upwards to find a guy staring at you with big puppy eyes. Your brows furrowed, and you noticed that this guy was in the same class as you were, and it was also the metalhead that repeated senior year for two years in a row. Was that really Eddie Munson in a library?

As if he was finally getting out of a trance, Eddie finally saw that you had noticed his presence before he was able to think of something to say.

"Ah, hey! I didn't notice you were starin- I mean, I was staring. Like, you weren't staring, I was totally staring, unless you think this is creepy because then I was totally NOT staring"

Facepalming himself mentally, Eddie decided that maybe the girls didn't find him creepy because of his style, but because he couldn't control his mouth to shut up when it was necessary. That seemed like a more reasonable theory after what just happened.

With a little smile that made Eddie's heart flutter inside his chest, you gave him a little wave. He decided that the first smile you gave him was his best memory from now on.

"So, can I sit here?" You only gave him a fast nod, that did not quite match the rate his heart was beating right now.

"Y/N, right?" He scolded himself at how creepy he sounded knowing your name out of nowhere "I mean, I guess?"

"Yes, I'm Y/N. You must be Eddie, right?"

In that moment, Eddie felt that he was on Cloud 9. No weed could ever bring him the peace that your voice gave him – which when he thought back, was a weird thing to compare with a pretty girl –. He finally had his dream of hearing your voice, which was there for almost two years, come true. Right now, he decided he could never let you shut up near his presence, either by hearing you laughing or talking, he needed to have your voice on his life from now on.

"Y-yeah, totally me. Unless you think I'm a freak. Because then that's not me"

You put your book down, with the pages still open, and Eddie took this as a sign that he should do his best to distract you from going back to the pages that were marked.

"I don't think you are a freak"

"Then I'm Eddie, that's me" He gave you a smile, which you reciprocated. Was he having a heart attack? A stroke? Did he had butterflies for lunch? Or was this the feeling he would have everytime you smiled near him? And oh God, he really had to stop with the weird comparisons.

After a quick moment of silence, he heard your voice again, and hope filled his body thinking that maybe, you didn't wanted your little chat with him to end so abruptly.

"I didn't think you were one for libraries, Munson"

"You can call me Eddie" He replied, a little too quick "I like to come here to make some new stories for my campaigns"

"Campaigns?"

As he saw your confused face, with brows slightly frowned, he remembered that not everyone was aware of his D&D world.

"As in Dungeons and Dragons campaign?" Noticing that he wasn't ringing any bells, Eddie decided to take his chance to bring his chair closer to your side, ready to explain every detail of his life-long hobbie

Seeing him so ready to explain something that perked his interests made your cheeks feel warm, specially since his attention was all focused on you. Truth to be told, you had noticed the boy that got up on the cafeterias tables every time you were about to leave, and you would linger a few moments to hear more about his bickering with other social groups. His loud voice would reverberate each time through the walls, and his dramatic actions would always make you laugh a little once you were on the corridors.

Turning your attention back on Eddie, you laid your head on your hands, making sure you could hear all the boy was about to say

"So..." This time, you could notice Eddie was slightly more relaxed, since this seemed to be a subject he could talk about for hours, probably due to being so habituated to the game and its terms. "You know what D&D is, right?"

For that, you shook your head yes, since you had actually heard some of the news channel talking about the new wave of players that the game was attracting

"A campaign is basically a set of adventures that are intertwined during the game." Eddie tried to explain to you in the simplest way, not wanting to get your head confused by using some terms that only players would know

"Would I, maybe, be able to get a cute maiden like you to join my adventures this time?" He said, offering his hand towards you. You tried to ignore the goosebumps on your skin at the mention of him finding you cute, instead taking no time in accepting his hand, which felt oddly warm agains yours.

"It would be a honor"

"And for me it would be a honor if you two would finally get away from here. We are closing in ten." You heard the librarian voice reaching you, which made you smile fade immediately.

"Hey, it's not fair, you only want to go watch your soap ope-" Eddie was interrupted by a reprehensible look, which made him immediately shut up.

Deciding that he couldn't lose this chance – and feeling that if he did, he would never gather the courage to talk to you again after being this close –, Eddie decided to throw all away and focus on enjoying the opportunity

"Should we proceed with our affairs on my home?" Eddie says, with a very theatrical voice, trying to make you give him one more smile before the rejection he was sure was coming his way

"I..." you couldn't speak, thinking about what people would think when seeing the goody two-shoes getting on the 'freak' van.

As did Eddie moments ago, you decided to shut off your thoughs and throw your caution out of the windows. For just this once, you felt happy being on someone's side, and you didn't want this to end so soon because of an old lady that couldn't keep the library open for more thirty minutes

"I would love to proceed with our affairs in your home, sir Eddie" you answered, in his same theatrical manners, which earned you a laugh from the boy.

You and Eddie got out of the library side by side, remaining in silent after the little scene you made for the librarian. But as soon as you were out of the lady's ear range, you looked at each other and started laughing.

"She can't see two teenagers getting on well, she hates happines, I'm so sure of this" Eddie kept saying, making your laugh get louder and louder each time. There was something about the way he said that so outraged that you found so funny. His facial expressions were very remarkable, and he couldn't hide his disappointment on the old lady that he treated so well, only to end up betrayed by her.

"She must think we are going to your home to do something..." You pause, approaching his van

"To fuck?"

"Eddie! That's so..."

"Rude, right? I'm sorry, my lady, I will keep my composure in front of you from now on"

You noticed that his smile couldn't hide the fact that he was not sorry at all.

A cold drizzle started to fall, making you both run towards Eddie's car. Still holding hands, which neither of you took notice

Hopping on the passenger seat, you searched for a belt to put around you, noticing that his van was going against everything you thought a man's car would be. He certainly wasn't one of those weirds that treated his car like a person and wouldn't let anyone even eat inside, judging by the amount of dirty there was on the floor.

"I gotta warn you, my place isn't exactly the best thing in Hawkins. Is just a trailer where I live with my uncle-" You interrupted him

"I can't believe I'm not going to a palace" You tried making a joke, which made Eddie turn to you and give him a smile and shake his head

"I know right? I'm such an orc"

That set the atmosphere of the rest of the ride, where he kept informing you about the basics of D&D, always looking towards you to make sure he wouldn't miss any expression you could make.

When finally arriving to his place, he was the first to get out of the car, and before you could even reach towards the door, it was opening with an Eddie on the other side, gesturing for you to get down

"Trying to reedem myself since I don't have fortunes waiting for my lady inside our palace" You felt butterflies on your stomach at the mention of being his. Surprisingly enough, the thought wasn't scaring you.

"It might be working, Eddie" You said, hopping down his van and walking towards his trailer door. You didn't want him to see how your face had responded to him calling you 'his lady'

"As I was saying, I think you should choose your race as an half-elf, because you-" He stopped talking to fumble with his keys and open the door for you "-would have the beauty you have as a human already, plus the grace that both you and elfs share, what you think?" He finished, opening the door for you to get inside

"I... this would be great!"

Ignoring the way your heart skipped a beat because of his words, you decided to get inside his trailer already, not wanting to spend any more time outside in the cold drizzle that was slowing becoming a rain  in Hawkins. Another reason to get inside quickly, was for Eddie to not see the effects his compliments had on you.

"So, ready for the show?"

With open arms, Eddie guided you to his couch, and went quickly to his room to grab some other essential stuff, in his words, to the best thing you would discover in your life. It didn't take him too long to appear with dices, a handbook, and some printed sheets.

Sitting down on your side, he started to explain the way everything worked, and it was mostly easy for you to pay attention to everything. That was, until he decided to lay more relaxed on the couch, and opening his legs, Eddie put his arms behind his head. The action was enough to make your breath get caught in your throat. You could only imagine what sitting on his lap would feel like

Trying to get those thoughts away, with the excuse that this was not usually yourself, you decided to go back to paying attention to his words. The task proved to be difficult when everything you could see was the way his lips moved, with the sound that came out of them being silenced by your head that could only think about how warm he must be. It also didn't help how cold it was getting now that the night was approaching, and how sleepy you were feeling after a more agitated day with Eddie talking the whole time

"Are you paying attention? You have this glassy eyes expression" Eddie asked, coming closer to you and putting his hands on your knees to support himself. He was so excited to talk to you that he forgot how you caught some rain on yourself. It wasn't enough to soak you down, but definitely made your hair a little wet and gave a few wet spots in your clothes

Feeling how hot his hands are didn't helped your case, specially since you were wearing a skirt, which made you feel each part of his hands on you. Looking down at where you two were touching, you focused on how many rings he was wearing, almost all of them with a shape of some form

Thinking that maybe he did it wrong touching you, Eddie went to get his hands away from your skin, already missing the contact, when you put your hands above his and surprised both him and yourself

"Your hands are very warm" You said, holding one of his hands and bringing towards your face. He couldn't control himself, and his fingers started to trace patterns on your cheek, finally feeling how soft your skin truly felt to him.

"Are you feeling cold?" Eddie asked, finally taking notice that your skirt wasn't doing a great job of protecting you of the rain you caught when walking with him "Here, let me take you to my bedroom and there you can cover up and rest a little, how does that sound?"

Eddie thought that this was a bold step, that you would quickly push him off and say what a pervert he was – God knew he had his best intentions at heart, though – and storm off, but you only got up and nodded slowly.

After sitting for so long, only hearing Eddie talk, even if it was the most cool thing you've heard, combined with the cold feeling and how your original plans after getting out of the library was to get under your blankets at home, it did made you sleepy. So the though of finally getting a good rest before going home appealed more to you than the though that maybe Eddie's offer could be take both ways if you were awake enough

"I would love that" was your only answer

You both felt how the atmosphere changed. It was as if eletric bolts were cursing through each other's veins, making you both aware of the tension that was growing between you both. Eddie guided you to his room, and upon entering, he quickly run to discard something that was hanging on his bed frame, and turned back to you

"Welcome to my humble cave, m'lady"

Going straight to his bed and laying on your side, you didn't took much notice of your surroundings, wanting nothing more to cover yourself and finally get rid of the shivering that was taking over your body

Eddie stepped closer, covering you with a blanket that was lying around his bed, and sitting on the opposite side, started to look at you. He could only think how he would never wash his pillowcase again, wanting nothing more than to keep your scent for himself. He also took notice of how your hair fell around your head, making you seem like an angel to him.

"Could you..." You started, voice low as if you were scared of being caught saying that "...lay down with me? You could keep talking, your voice relaxes me"

An silent followed your question, and you thought that you had got the signs all wrong, that Eddie wasn't actually reciprocating your feelings, but just being nice.

Truth being told, you did had feelings for the older boy. That was the only reason you lingered for a few moments to watch his little show on the cafeteria, the only reason you started listening to metal bands (even though you felt that the style wasn't for you), and the only reason you were so quick on accept his requests. But maybe, that was only you, so why were you being so eager to feel him by your side and scare him off with your question and then lose the friendship that was building during the last hours?

You only got out of your line of thoughts when you heard the bed cracking on the other side, and felt a presence besides you

"It would be a pleasure. Even though that means that my voice makes you sleepi" you heard Eddie voice saying, feeling the grin on his tone

You could be wrong. He could just be happy to have a new friend, he could maybe just being nice to you, not knowing how to act near a girl, or maybe, and that was your favorite option, just maybe, he reciprocated your feelings

Feeling bold with your new theory, you went as far as you had gone with a boy, asking him one last question before closing your eyes

"Could you hug me, Eddie?"

He felt like the luckiest man alive. How could he deny you anything when you spoke with your soft voice that he wished for years to hear. Eddie knew that the thing he wished the most would end up being his downfall, already accepting that now you held imense power over him

Eddie put his hands around your waist, coming closer to you and daring even to put his head on your neck. You could feel his breath down your skin, making goosebumps appear. You could feel the heat from his hands going straigh to your waist and flowing through your body. You went a little back with your body, pressing yourself further in his hug and relaxing more in his touch

"Thank you, Eddie. You saved me from a very boring day" He heard you saying, your voice muffled on the pillow. He could sense you slowly drifting to sleep, and decided that he should say something before being too late

"Anything for my beautiful lady"

And in that moment, Eddie promised to himself to never let you go out of his reach.

[notmoreflippingelves]

Personally I feel Kristoph just regrets having killed Zak so suddenly on an impulse. Reminder that the locks appeared when asked why he killed Zak specifically. He hated him for turning him down and probably never saw himself capable of murder. Once he killed him he probably felt glad he got revenge and didn't get exposed, but then had that sudden clarity of "oh shit, I actually killed someone", which combined with his paranoia, stressed him out immensely. He tragically traumatized himself.

Zak's murder has always screamed unplanned, desperate "crime of passion" to me, given how dramatically different to the other murder we know Kristoph committed (and set in motion 7 years earlier). Criminology-wise, it's already very unusual for a criminal to change their modus operandi so dramatically without a good reason. And it becomes immediately more striking when we look at the weapons: blunt object in Zak's case vs. poison for the Mishams'.

Poison has long held the stereotype of being a "woman's weapon" rather than a man's. Which yeah, it is a pretty unnecessarily gendered and heteronormative way to look at it. But like what the stereotype is actually saying by this is that poison--regardless of the gender(s) of the person using it--is almost always the method preferred by people who would prefer not to use psychical forms of violence even once they have determined that they "need" to enact violent ends.

These sorts of killers may lack the physical strength or athletic skill to wield a gun/sword/bat/spear,/blunt instrument, they may not be able to summon the adequate aggression to do so, they may want to avoid a bigger "mess" w/ more pieces of evidence, or they may just lack the "sadistic urge" to directly use their hands to enact another's pain. All of the above seem that they could apply to Kristoph given what we know of him.

Even though he has determined that he's going to go through with the murder plot, Kristoph vastly prefers a more detached, less messy, and (in his mind) quicker and less cruel method. Because his heart may not really be in it in the long run. Like do you really think he'd want to get actual blood on his pretty little nails if he didn't have to? He's not killing for the fun of it like some of the other AA killers; he's killing because he's convinced himself he has to.

(Unlike a lot of other fans, I tend to hc that Zak and Drew were actually the *only* deaths that Kristoph was responsible for. Because I maintain that that there was something much more specific and important about the Gramarye case to Kris than simply "wah, I was fired from my first big case and now I'm gonna be petty af about it." No like, this case in particular--besides just "an important case that could make my career"-- was personal to Kris for reasons we may never know).

Even though he knew that this could very well come back to bite him in the derriere, Kristoph was probably secretly relieved that the poison didn't work right away for the Mishams--or that if it had worked, he wouldn't have to find out about it. Out of sight, out of mind and he wouldn't have to face his conscience. And in the worst case scenario, the murder plan was still in place should Kristoph need to enact it later. (Which he did by writing to Drew *during* (and not before) Kristoph's incarceration following Zak's murder.)

So with all that in mind, Kristoph's murder of Zak just seems more and more of a desperate, impulsive act. It's not his style at all, and yet he did it. He saw Zak, realized he was at risk, and panicked.

And yeah, I would imagine that even if we assume he had no regrets/second thoughts about Drew Misham's murder, Zak's murder would psychologically feel really really different to Kris. And I imagine that it could potentially prove even more psychologically damaging to him.

Because braining "Shadi Smith" with a grape juice bottle is an act that is sudden, violent, impulsive and totally out-of-character for Kristoph Gavin--coolest defense in the West ,whose intellect is his weapon of choice and who prefers to keep his pretty nails (if not his soul) clean.

[iamlittlelostsoul]

Are asks open? If so, can you write a fluffy epilogue of twst boys x reader x yan ver of them set in 6 months from now to give the reader some time to adjust

OMG HELLOO!!

THANK YOUU this is my first time getting requests and I really appreciate it!!

I hope this reaches your expectations although I don't think that I've made it that fluffy but I hope all is good!:D

Just so everyone knows my asks are always open and I'll do my best in answering it all!☺

oh and if you wanna check it out here's my masterlist! ><

Enjoy!

Mending Hearts

Part 1 Part 2

Part 3 of which is which...

Twst boys x reader x yan!twst boys

It's been 6 months...6 months since the incident. And they barely made much progress...

6 months since the love of their life came back but is in a terrible state and despised and feared them so so much.

3 months since they found a spell to see Mc's memories to find the truth and is horribly haunted by it.

They were so lost...

They wanted to help...but how?

How can they help someone that used to love them so much but now despised them so much that they would rather drop dead than have them close...

If only they could find a way to turn back time to avoid such things happening maybe their life would remain as it was? or become official lovers and all...?

...

But this won't stop them from trying...

It is a challenge but if it is to get them to trust and befriend them once again or at least...have them not look at them with eyes filled with fear, uncertainty, and so much hate.

it has only been 6 months so it's ok! Even if it would take them years and so to help them. It's ok even if...it means having to return them back to their own world...

So it is not the time for them to dilly dally and lose hope. It's time to pay them back for everything they've given to every single one of them.

In those 6 months, they started with itty-bitty steps...by allowing them to adjust at their own pace and also 'finally' getting a therapist and a counselor for the school.

They've also sought advices and to do's and not to do from people with a wide knowledge of such cases.

They did their best to not to trigger traumatic flashbacks by avoiding sending too many presents, less contact, and trying to be as calm and patient as they could whenever they are nearby to not overwhelm and pressure them.

Instead of forcefully conversing with them in person instead they try by giving encouraging notes/messages or simply encouraging them to let out everything they feel and etc. Or sending them flowers and little trinkets.

"Hello Mc! This is Riddle...I can't really say to you to stop worrying or everything is alright so...instead, I wish you to get better soon! If you are still not comfortable with our presence it's ok take your time! I know you might be thinking I'm doing this to control you and all but all of us are being sincere in proving we are better than our alters.

you should open the little box by your bed. It's ok the queen of hearts never really gave a rule about doing such things...so I hope it could comfort you in some way. P.s it's a hedgehog btw...just so you know." -Riddle Roseheart

" Ace and Deuce hereee. Get better soon!! We don't really know what to tell you but we hope you start healing well. We really missed you...we made you something...it's the same tart we made on our first birthday party...so we would be really happy if you eat but it's fine if not just...just try to not throw it out the window or... just get well soon." -ADeuce

"Hiii! This is Cheka uncle Leona's nepew!! Remeber me? I heard from uncle Leona that you wernt feeling good :( I'm sorwy jus t so u know uncle and I relly like you mama papa tool! Get well sooon! Uncle tld me I canot relly sea yu know witch made me sad but its okay! I maid you this drawing of you and me plus uncle and mama and papa eating cake in the guarden! I hope this comes tru! Get well soon big sister/brother!!!" -Love Cheka!💗

"Human it is I Sebek! Eat your meals, get some rest, stop hurting yourself and love yourself...You deserve to do so, I'm not asking on behalf of my young master, everyone and for myself but for you. I will not force you to do anything you dislike but at least take great care of one's self. Hate us if you wish just care for you so take this Tamagotchi the diasomania dorm bought for you ." -Sebek

They couldn't blame them to start crying and panicking when they were nearby or when receiving their gifts and letters...so it's ok. But of course, they also seek professional help to also avoid another overblot.

Because of it all slowly they start having improvements like them not having panic attacks when passing by and on some occasions, they would even text back.

It was very little but for them it is everything.

It motivates them to do more but notes not to overdo it, to go forward because little by little they are slowly but surely putting down their walls.

They even had the chance to sometimes be able to chat with them in person but behind doors/walls.

Grim could even visit them occasionally in person!

And some of the trinkets and presents they gave them weren't always thrown or burnt.

it was a great improvement which made them so so glad!

although they still try to commit suicide and inflicts self harm it was less worst than before.

So they continue to do as they did and would only do things when they feel comfortable in doing so.

It has already been 2 years already and...

"Hey Mc, Let's sit here!" Ace shouted as he sat at an empty table.

"Mmh...kay" they answered.

"Myehehehe! Look Mc! I passed the test!" Grim proudly said.

"That's nice!" They said with a soft smile as they petted the cat monster's head.

Although their reply tends to be rather dry and empty at times it is fine. They are happy to study, hangout, and spend time alongside them.

The graduates would also often visit them when they have time they too notices the differences but are satisfied to how it is now.

"Ace! Deuce!"

"Shit...heyya Riddle-senpai! Long time no see!" Ace said as he nervously rubs the back of his head.

"Oh you to are wanna be the end of me!!! Just because I'm not always in school means the two of you could just go and break the queen's rules!!!! Hah I shouldn't have entrusted the dorm to the both of you..." Riddle said as he massages the bridge of his nose.

"Ahahhaah....sorry dorm leader." Deuce said sincerely apologetic for the trouble he's been causing.

"JNJAKWJDJDJJDJDJSJDNJDDHSJS-"

"Hello-I Riddle calm down...I've brought some newly baked tarts everyone." Trey said upon arrival.

"Epel Flemier!"

"Oh no....Good afternoon Vil-senpai!" Epel said with a 'sweet' smile. "why is he here. He already graduated! JAJSJSJDJ I thought I finally escaped him." He whispered.

"I've heard that! Have you been doing your skin care? Why is your skin so dry and your hair! AJJDDJJDDJC"

"hello Mc and everyone! Seems like everyone's having fun lemme join too!!"

"Kalim-hah there's no stopping him."

"Good day all."

"WAKA-SAMA! THANK YOUAND IT'S AN HONOR FOR SUCH AS YOU TO VISITING US."

Soon all of them are finally present in the cafeteria causing a lot of the 2nd to 1st year's to admire them although with such childish displays from each and everyone of them Mc can't help but chuckle and feel more at ease.

Hearing Mc laugh at their antics made their hearts swell with pride and joy. They've did well. Although they wouldn't be like the person they were before it makes them so happy to see them feel more comfortable than before since the incident.

Although it was quite a shame they couldn't take their friendship to another level yet...it was still fine. They can't really put all their efforts to waste when they've already reached this far! They just need to be more patient and understanding.

Besides if it weren't for their new found 2nd and 1st year's friends they couldn't have done better.

"Heyya Mc, Acey, and Juice-senpai's!” Kroner a nice and goofy 1st year although he is quite dumb but he makes great food and and...talks to squirrels...

"It's Deuce not Juice, Kroner!!!"

"Oh, Sorry Bruce-senpai"

"DEUCE! DE U C E"

"Doesn't he remind me so much of you deuce" ace said teasingly.

"Shut it Ace!"

"Ohhh~! There you are Kroner! Hello senpai's" Yza a very power hungry 2nd year (just like Azul lol) that stick to them like an annoying leech! He has the face of a dinosaur and totally shameless!

"Hey there Yza!” Kroner cheerfully said after all he is his henchman.

"Hey there Kroner!" Yza said with the most fakes and plastic smile.

'Plastic annoying dino' is what most of them thought.

'Today isn't so bad. Everyone is having tons of fun and the air felt light and comfy.' Mc thought as they watched them with a very fond smile.

It has been really hard for them to trust, love, and smile once again. Without their friends, they would have long been 6 feet under. It was a really traumatic experience and they truly wish these kinds of moments stays forever and that they would NEVER meet their alters once again.

Their heart may have shattered and was beyond repair, but their friends still gave their all in sharing theirs slowly while slowly but surely building up their broken heart, although the cracks remain they built a foundation to make be like how it used to be yet warmer and filled.

'I really am lucky to have such people by my side. Soon I will be finally spending these moments with less worry and pain.' They thought as they join in the fun.

Fin<3

[russilton]

Shoutout to you for the way you treat Alex and George’s relationship when you talk about George in context of gewis. So many people in cases like this with less popular ships turn vitriolic towards anyone who they think could pose a threat to their ship and just… don’t. Your approach of they’re besties your honor is great and sparks a ton of joy

Wow, thank you!

I have to say this message surprised me a bit because it’s something I’ve really had to work on, to the point I used to get some very angry anons about the way I generally ignored or forgot about Alex. Basically the opposite of this one hahaha! but I’ve also started to warm more to Alex this year than I did last year, though I still wouldn’t call myself a real fan, it’s nice when he does well.

I have… a complicated relationship with Alex as a driver and person. On one hand, he’s George’s best friend, I couldn’t change that even if I wanted to, and it’s a truly sibling like relationship I suspect George needed given how much older his actual siblings were. They support each other and that’s a thing they both need.

On the other, I’ve been watching since 2020, and Alex WAS a Red Bull driver, and he spent the entire first year of when I was watching the sport, getting into incidents with my favourite driver while being generally being very… accusatory. His role in RB during 2021 didn’t help either, and it just generally left me very mistrustful of the guy, probably unfairly, but with 20 drivers to focus on you don’t tend to get past first impressions unless you really stick about.

When he moved to Williams it was all under the fan fair of Horner crying that Toto didn’t approve of the move because he thought Alex was going to spy for them, and at the time it was hard not to sit there and go “well… are you?” Because post AD Redbull had more than proven they were willing to do anything to win, even if it was George’s influence that got Alex the Williams seat. It now truly delights me to see how that has in fact backfired on Christian as he lost a genuinely talented young driver to another team who will better respect his skill if he’s willing to be patient, though you won’t catch me calling for Alex to Merc…ever, or at least, any time soon.

I also struggled with the way he did talk about George a lot! It’s banter between brothers but it often felt like at the time the only way I saw Alex referring to their relationship was to poke or complain about George- especially showing off his body. Every single post George made showing even a little skin- the comments would be full of people waiting for Alex to show up and say something mean, and slowly the content from George dropped off, a coincidence probably given the ramp up with his duties at Merc, but it was hard not to link those things y’know, especially with my OWN, not Alex’s problem, views on body image.

So yeah, it was a tough grind, NONE of it helped by the prevalence of Galex as a popular ship and the tendency of popular ships to get very… expectant, of you to like them. I had the exact same issue with Sewis, though I will always adore Sebastian, because for a while it really did feel like it was being shoved in my face every which way and I couldn’t escape them, and no one enjoys having to wade through things they don’t like. Lots of posts with a general vibe of “what do you MEAN you like gewis when galex exists and clearly has more evidence” that just didn’t sit right for what I felt or what I was seeing. There was also the fic that will not be named that gave me a slightly… traumatic response to Galex and Sewis in relation to Gewis, and I all but stopped mentioning Alex at all if I could avoid it. Which as mentioned at the start… some anons sure took issue with!

I spose what changed my relationship with Alex was reframing his relationship to George (and by proxy redbull), when then things he started saying became less about George’s body and more about what a pain in the ass best friend he was. That’s a relationship I understand, the best friend who you love beyond all belief, would defend from wolves, would kill for, but if you had to date you’d kill each other in a couple days. A psuedo sibling bond I have with a lot of my own friends, people I would say I love you too knowing I have 0 intention on dating them.

Then it became easier to see all the ship stuff because I could go, cool I get it, but to me that’s his brother, that’s the guy who watches George pine and makes faux gagging noises, but would also go behind George’s back to tell Lewis how George felt if he thought it would make George happy. That’s the guy who George complains to when he’s struggling with balancing his feelings with his job as a teammate, and who hugs him when he’s feeling lost.

I have to credit Niamh for saying it one of her fics- but Alex is George’s Valtteri. The guy who has his back even when they’re fighting, and who’s bond goes a little deeper than skin, different to romance but no less strong.

So yeah, I will still always probably grit my teeth when it comes to getting galex shoved in my face, (no I haven’t forgotten synths poll, so many of you were v annoying to me ((this is a JOKE)), I’ve certainly started to completely detach that from Alex as a driver, and short of a nuclear melt down, I hope that relationship just slowly improves. Not that any of that matters to him of course. But this is the blog where I talk about myself.

Sorry for the ramble! That was useful to get off my chest I think hahah, cheers for the offload, now I can move on from it.

[sailorblossoms]

Simon Snow's not good, actually bad, perhaps even traumatizing "virginity lost"

(And by extension Agatha's)

When I made the case for why I read Simon as aspec/possibly demisexual despite loving and fully supporting him unlabeled, the point was this: Simon does not experience sexual attraction like "the norm", and knowing this is helpful to understand the character. In the same vein, I feel the need to make this list to point out how there are enough clues to say what's on the title without actually saying it, and it's very possible to miss them if you're not paying attention to them (some points are my own interpretations and observations on how it went down based on what's on the text, so it gets long haha anyway):

-Simon tells Baz he was always going along with what he thought Agatha wanted, but he "always got it wrong". The relationship never felt right. Why wouldn't this include sex?

-This aligns with how Simon is very somewhat passively "this thing that has to happen/happened to me" about the relationship in general (he's even like "I waited for her to give up on/breakup with me" at one point") so

-Probably Agatha's idea, because she has Normal friends she can do typical teenage girl things with, and the subject of boyfriends and virginity likely came up.

-The Wellbelove home is sort of Simon's hetero cage: it's a place were expectations of heteronormativity where inescapably voiced, it makes Simon uncomfortable, reminds him of expectations he failed to fulfill and it's associated with internalized homophobia. (I elaborate here) it probably happened there.

-Probably happened late in the relationship. Simon says "we were together for a long time" as an explanation. Meaning they likely waited "as long as they could" before expectations and curiosity won out. It likely contributed to driving them further apart, hence Agatha running after Baz trying to get kissed that 7th year. Like "she has already tried it all" the "right way" and she didn't like it/wasn't feeling it, so time to look for a spark "the wrong way" (going after "the bad boy" lol)

-The fact that Simon even felt like he had to explain it, and that he said it like he was sorry about it feels indicative of Simon feeling like he did something wrong, or that he did something that wasn't really a good idea (or both).

-Simon erases experiences that were bad, traumatizing and/or a source of great discomfort from his mind. He never gets even close to thinking about this, to the point you wouldn't think it even happen until Baz actually asks him about it.

-Remembering the experience (and thinking about what that means for his sexuality) clearly causes Simon great discomfort, to the point he starts to self-harm (pulling hair, kicking walls etc).

-"It was fine. It was sex" is the closest he gets to saying something not negative about it and still... it's not positive. It's dismissive as hell, it's Simon still avoiding thinking about it (like telling Baz "he didn't like him in 5th year, he doesn't even like him now..." despite being unable to put 2 thoughts together without thinking about how much he likes him like an hour ago at most. He's bullshiting).

-This experience is the main thing Simon uses to argue against him being bisexual, and thinking about it (after having a better understanding of how attraction feels, because he's sure he feels it for Baz, he's "the only person he has ever wanted", just that morning he woke up aroused by Baz's smell and proximity) makes him realize he didn't experience attraction for Agatha. And this is with Baz kinda encouraging him to admit it was good and that surely sex means attraction (which isn't necessarily true, it doesn't apply to comphet and aspec folks), but that just pushes Simon to finally voice no, he wasn't attracted and that he wasn't into the whole relationship either (what he liked about her was that he didn't like her, he wasn't invested)

-Lack of attraction and reacting negatively when thinking about the experience is... well. That just has to suck ass.

-Given how bad Simon can be about understanding and untangling his most complex reactions and feelings, if there was even a little, tiny bit of good in that experience, would he be able to look back and realize his lack of attraction? Or would it be more likely if there was general discomfort?

-When he's making the conscious decision to have sex with Baz, he's "too turned on to think" "so in love" and he "actually wants to do this". A comparison to that time with Agatha starts coming up before being quickly pushed out of his mind because "it doesn't matter", but the way the paragraph is structured lets you know what goes unsaid: that experience wasn't like that (he wasn't excited, wasn't in love, didn't actually want it).

-Simon makes the UTI comment when Baz is trying to leave the bed. When Dr. Wellbelove gave them the talk it's likely he just focused on protection and avoiding diseases, and it's very likely Agatha used that to leave without hurting anyone's feelings/forcing anyone to process anything.

-Heteronormativity along with them being casted as hero and damsel/prize is relevant here, because sex in this context is often presented as a prize she has to give him (Agatha was always "playing along" her role until she finally exploded) and as something he has to want, he has to like. There's definitely pressure here. There are also assumptions that hormonal teenage boys have to be into it, no matter the context. Bullshit to begin with, but also clearly not appliable to Simon (thinking about it/trying to process it has him self-harming!). He isn't a regular hormonal teen boy (his displays of attraction include "going apeshit" and "pulling an honest to god sword on his nemesis") and he just doesn't experience attraction like the "norm" (his "baz-sexual" comments are a whole aspec experience I tell you). (Also general pressure to lose your virginity before becoming an "adult" and other related bullshit coming into play here)

-There is such a thing as a negative orgasm. It can happen to anyone when forced to go through the motions (Simon's exact words, he wasn't into it!) of sex. Basically you can make the body get there, but it isn't pleasurable, it doesn't feel good. At worst it can even feel painful. It doesn't affect you physically, but it can affect you emotionally and mentally. It can also cause discomfort, make you upset, irritable, frustrated, emotionally detached, etc. At least 3 of these apply to Simon just thinking about the experience. Just something to consider. (Although I don’t think either could get off in anyway, or that it would be possible for Simon. Also see: arousal non concordance)

-If we were to talk about the traumas/issues getting in the way of Simon being intimate with Baz, we would have quite a list. I would add Simon's negative past experience here. Based on how he forcibly pushes it out of his mind ("it doesn't matter"), and how even the memory of it puts him in a negative emotional state, it's fair to conclude that there's unacknowledged, unprocessed, and downplayed trauma there. He has forced himself to go through the motions once, and it didn't do him any good, and now he just can't do that again. Especially not now that he actually wants it, that he's so invested and feeling so much he doesn't know what to do with himself.

-Simon's traumas/issues with touch hardly started in WS. The events of CO made it all worse/gave him NEW traumas, and his feelings for Baz/how much he wants him overwhelms him. But even if he was never overwhelmed with Agatha because he didn't have feelings for her, it's unlikely that he was able to make himself go through the motions without issue. Baz is a natural caretaker, and he's very attuned to Simon, so he can tell when something is wrong (and when in doubt, he proceeds with caution). It's possible that Simon could've dissociated on his first time, but Agatha wouldn't be able to tell/deal with it because she's not attuned to him, and would have "enough on her plate" at that moment. Given how his mind works, it's also possible that when he thought about it, he mostly remembers how he felt (awkwardness, discomfort, mechanically going through the motions, etc) but can't remember much of what actually went down.

-When Baz takes a jab at him (because he's jealous) "Does Wellbelove? (appreciate a job well done)" Simon gets angry, but he sorts of freezes there. Baz recognizes he's out of line and backs off, but Simon's reaction seems to indicate a sore spot. Maybe guilt and inadequacy because there was not "a job well done". Maybe also sensitive because the person he wants to have sex with inadvertently reminds him "he's shit at it". (Relevant here again is Simon saying "he always got it wrong", and also downplaying it as "he's just a shitty boyfriend" as he did with the whole relationship, instead of processing what was wrong and why)

-Agatha doesn't think about it either until she sees him half naked and remembers kissing his chest. It happens in a clinical setting (reminder of comphet when Simon was getting ready to get his gay wings cut off, but Simon is in distress and the setting is both detached and upsetting. Also relevant is this ending with Simon running back to Baz) and even then, Agatha's main emotion about it is "weird". And she doesn't go beyond that! It's like they both silently agree to pretend it never happened.

-Reinforcing the previous point, Penny doesn't know about it, and she was the closest person to Simon. So they never talked about it, and probably never behaved in a way that had Penny like "yeah they're totally tight like that". (their early CO scenes truly ooze uncomfortable/awkward energy) And Penny only wonders because of general assumptions. (whenever she's on the subject Penny's like "you're terrible for each other, why did you have to fuck with the perfectly good friendship we all have here") (You know what else Simon doesn't really talk about with Penny despite their "no secrets pact" during CO? his traumas, the upsetting shit he doesn't want to process. That kinda stuff)

-A general observation: the naked male chest is probably the most neutral ground to go about it (especially without mention of nipples) (reminds me how anime is often erasing male nipples when they don't want to "sexualize male characters" haha). Below that you can hardly avoid the most "sexual parts". Above that you get too close to "emotional investment" (Simon kisses Baz all over his face when they're together in bed, talking, to express affection). Not saying the chest can't be sexualized or used to show affection (Baz kisses Simon's chest when they're cuddling) but based on everything else here, including how mechanical they're about the relationship... who wants to bet it was either delaying or Agatha trying to help Simon because he had trouble "getting there" in the most detached way possible.

-Related: Baz is the only person Simon opens up to on certain issues, like with his previous relationship. In awtwb we see Baz trying to get Simon to communicate more, and he usually gets him as close as Simon can get to processing his shit. So his conversations with him are very revealing, even if it starts or end with some bullshitting lol that's when Simon gets the closest to saying how he really feels, the closest he gets to untangling his messes and reaching some clarity (feeling wrong in the previous relationship, not feeling attracted, not being into it etc)

I'm probably forgetting something, but there's so much going on there, and as a someone who's bi and also falls somewhere on the aspec spectrum, and is generally interested in what sex can reveal about people, I have inevitably given this a lot of thought lol

[kunikloj]

Shout-out to my traumagenic hyposexuals.

(TWs in tags, but just in case: Sex mention, CSA mention, trauma mention, SA mention, mentions of hyposexual microaggressions)

Shout-out to all of us who get left out of conversations surrounding PTSD accommodation.

Shout-out to everyone who is told to manage their triggers despite rarely receiving warnings for sexual content.

Shout-out to anyone who is affected by random sexual content from accounts they don't follow appearing on their dash, especially those which tie into their specific traumatic experiences.

Shout-out to those of us who have been in therapy for our trauma for years, yet still get treated as though we aren't working hard enough to "grow out" of our difficulties surrounding sex.

Shout-out to those of us who have been on the road to recovery long enough that we know we won't ever be fully "cured."

Shout-out to people who have lost relationships and marriages due to being hyposexual.

Shout-out to everyone who has felt pain from microaggressive labels being incorrectly applied to them, such as "incel" or "virgin", and who still feel anger seeing those labels thrown at people who simply can't engage in sexual topics like everyone else. (And a double shout-out to anyone who recognizes how messed up it is to use "virgin" as an insult!)

Shout-out to all my hyposexual aces.

Shout-out to all hyposexuals who don't identify as ace because they feel left out of the community.

Shout-out to all hyposexuals who were told they weren't "really" ace because they weren't born that way, and by extension, are able to somehow rid themselves of their asexuality.

Shout-out to all hyposexuals who never had the luxury of knowing whether they were "truly" ace because their trauma occurred before puberty, and will never know the answer.

Shout-out to people who want to identify as ace but feel they don't count because they lost their sexuality after their trauma occurred.

Shout-out to hyposexual systems across the dissociative spectrum.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who are not systems, but still suffer from a dissociative disorder.

Shout-out to everyone who has to vet popular music, TV shows, and movies to avoid triggers.

Shout-out to anyone who forced themselves to be sexual in a relationship in hopes to "get over" their hyposexuality, but only suffered more for it.

Shout-out to every hyposexual over 30 who still feels doubted, belittled, and condescended by online discourse. (And everyone younger, of course!)

Shout-out to hyposexual survivors who understand that they are only one half of the survivor coin, and who do not judge hypersexuals for their experiences, yet are assumed to be judgmental regardless.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who truly want legalization, regulation, and protection for sex workers, but have to avoid those discussions for their own mental well-being.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who aren't at a place where they can even talk about it yet.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who are treated with pity, even if they feel like they aren't missing out on anything.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who feel rejected from queer spaces, and even progressive spaces in general, because they aren't given the space to be understood.

Shout-out to hyposexuals who need Pride, but can't go due to their triggers.

I could go on, but I think my message is clear:

I see you. I hear you. I love you. We are not alone, no matter how lonely it may feel. You will always belong in my eyes.

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

may 28, 2021 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling center

[margot] grant, i am very sorry.

[margot] there are so many things i want to talk to you about but i want a few things to be clear, okay? the trauma of infidelity is serious and the way you feel is valid, so do not ever feel like you’re overreacting or that this should be squared away by breaking up with her. the confusion, the anger, sadness...all very rational responses to hurt. and these emotions and the relapsing, all of those things, are not a failure on your part. you haven’t undone years of progress in this moment. it’s easy to feel like a blip in healing is life-ruining but it’s not. you should be proud instead that you recognized the spiraling and were able to recover. it sounds like you knew you were hurting yourself and so you stopped.

[margot] and you should also be proud that you expressed your boundaries with päivi. i know that creating and enforcing boundaries is something you have a lot trouble with. you’ve talked to me about that and how uncomfortable it is for you to use your voice. i, for one, am very pleased with your continued progress. even though you’ve just gone through something traumatic and feel like you’ve gone backwards, i think you’ve actually done yourself a lot of good. you’ve overcome hurdles that have impeded you historically.

[margot] and the other important thing i have to say first is that it’s not your fault that she cheated. you don’t have an explicit explanation from her, so who knows what she’s thinking now or what she thought back in march. you don’t know and of course, it’s almost impossible to avoid wondering about it and questioning yourself, but you can’t subject yourself to that kind of pain. and why? why might that be?

[grant] i'll never figure it out and it’s a waste of my time and energy?

[margot] well, yes, that’s part of it. reflecting is okay but that isn’t reflecting. that’s getting caught up in it. you're right. but what i was really thinking is this…

[margot] you can’t subject yourself to that constant worry about what happened because, well, even if she comes to you and tells you exactly why and that reason is something to do with you in her eyes...you aren’t the one who cheated, so you are not at fault for the infidelity. cheating is a choice and it’s not a choice that you made. if you didn’t cheat, you aren’t at fault.

[grant] but what if it actually is my fault?

[margot] give me an example of what you think you could be at fault for.

[grant] um…

[grant] i don’t know, i guess...the first rational thing i can think of is what happened over the last year. i always want to blame myself and say it’s, you know, i'm a burden or something but i know that’s not fair to myself to say. that’s lifelong trauma talking. but i wouldn’t blame her and i'd get it if recent events were what burdened her.

[grant] you already know everything because i've processed all this with you but...you know, we’d been dating for a couple years, then i found out i have a serious autoimmune disorder and that i needed surgery and that it’d, like, take months for me to recover and i'd probably need supervision. that’s not something i could get in los angeles, not really. päivi offered to let me move in but we both knew it wasn’t going to work with her work schedule and what i needed. so i left, moved in with my grandparents, and so päivi and i were long distance until december of last year. in that period things were kind of a mess. i was not a super available partner because i was not doing well and she was having a hard time with life also. but our relationship was still really, really strong. or i felt like it was.

[grant] i–

[grant] when i think back, i can’t even make a case for that being the reason.

[grant] it was very stressful for both of us but she was the one who encouraged me to leave to take care of myself. she helped pack up my apartment when i left. she came all the way out to michigan by herself when i had surgery to stay with me and my family a few days to make sure i was okay. she was really supportive the whole time and she made it clear she didn’t have a problem with me being a little less available. and then when i told her i was staying here and going to find a new job here, she was okay with that and she said she would like to move in with me. our relationship got even more serious from that point.

[grant] and like i said, i knew she was also having a really hard time because something was going on with her work situation and she was feeling very homesick and even more lonely because she didn’t have many friends in america besides me. i tried to support her, you know? i called her as much as i could and checked in on her often. i used to send her, like, gifts or money for food to try and cheer her up. i couldn’t take her on dates, you know, so i tried to replicate it or i would tell her about all the plans i wanted make when i could see her again. i'm sure i could have done more but she tended to insist i did too much. but i don't know. i mean, last year was, like, the second time in life i've been at absolute rock bottom. i could have been too absorbed in my own issues.

[grant] but that doesn’t seem right either. i guess this being the reason only makes sense in my eyes if the stress carried over somehow, if she was lying to me, or if she has late regrets about things. what i remember from then doesn’t match up with what’s happening now. so i can’t find an obvious reason. never mind. that’s it. i can’t even think of anything else rational unless i'm missing something.

[margot] i know you want to blame yourself but you shouldn’t. even if you could come up with a rational reason, it just isn’t worth it to beat yourself up about it. if you did do something wrong to her or she was unhappy with the relationship, that is something to handle after you address the cheating itself and work on healing yourself. you aren’t there yet, so it’s best to keep that out of your mind as much as you can for now.

[twostepsfromtemerant]

Book Review: Kill the Queen by Jennifer Estep

A new adult fantasy, allegedly a romance, focusing on the unproabably high number of assassination attempts against the royal family of the kingdoms, almost all of which are against our darling MC Everleigh becuase she’s Speshul.

Pretty standard backstory for her: parents brutally murdered in front of her when she was 12, none of her other relatives wanted to take her in, so she’s spent the last 10 years living in the palace as like the 23rd person in line to the throne.

She doesn’t have much magic (in book 1 at least), and is a useless extra royal cousin. But it’s okay she has a plan to makde her own life. Because she’s been working both in the dessert kitchen of the palace, and with the magical jewelry maker/metal worker dude. So she has marketable skills!

And then the entire royal family is brutally murdered in front of her eyes and she’s the only one who survives. Of course the next reasonable thing to do after this traumatic even is to go join a traveling gladiator troup and fight for entertainment. These kinds oflogical decisions will continue through the whole series.

So the book starts with the sentence “the day of the Massacre of the Seven Towers began just like any other” and then it take 100 pages to actually get to the massacre. The inciting incedent doesn’t happen until 100 pages into the story.

The writing is very repetetive, and everything is described in minute detail. The repetitiveness partially comes from how often throughout the series that people’s eye color is described. And the eye color matches up to which royal family you’re from because of course it does. Even people without special eyes get their features described over and over again. As part of the magic system, some people can transform into different forms, such as dragons or ogers. The people who can do this have a mark on their neck in the shape of what they can turn into. And this detail is brought up every single time one of those characters comes on page. Sometimes in the 2nd and 3rd books it seemed like these tattoos were animated??? and could have emotions??? Were they sentient this whole time???

Unfortunately for the reader most of the book is spent inside of Everleigh’s own head. And boy does she have a lot of thoughts. Especially in the 2nd and 3rd books she’ll spend several pages thinking through a decision before actually moving the narrative forward. It definitely does get tiring to read after a while. There are also flashbacks to various traumatic events in her childhood. In narrative they’re usually nightmares. They’re always relevant to what’s going on in the plot so we get this detailed narration of the past, and then an immediate connection to how she can solve her current problems.

In case you couldn’t tell, I do not think this is a good book. Or a good series. But. It is absolutely the perfect thing to read while on vacation and sitting out on the porch. The plot is not at all hard to follow, and since all of Everleigh’s thought are explained on page,you don’t have to use your own brain to connect narrative threads. Just stare at the pretty black squiggles on the page and let yourself be transported to a very dumb world with a very high number of dead monarchs. The writing style lends itself well to getting reading momentum, if only to get it over with more quickly.

Pro tio: when reading, try to avoid reading Everleigh’s whole name like the opening to My Immortal

[dzpenumbra]

5/22/23

Alright, I just spent a good hour putting a watered-down coat of Mod Podge on the beads. The ink darkens a bit when the Mod Podge goes on, which is something I always forget for some reason. The yellow of the beads got a lot more vibrant, so I'm pretty happy with them.

Last night, I ended up taking a bath before bed. I slept through the night for the first time in a while, and got a full 8 hours. I feel so much better. The difference is always so dramatic, and I forget it when I'm chronically sleep deprived because of how subtly the sleep debt creeps up.

I am, however, super tired right now. It's really hot and humid - at least compared to the past week which was cold as shit. I could hear the frogs outside by the river croaking and chirping; it brought back a lot of memories of being back at my old place... standing out on the porch in the pitch black night (because there was no goddamn light ever put there for the whole 4 years I was there) smoking bowls and cigarettes and drinking cider and hanging out with my dog, full 180 chorus of frogs in front of me. Lots of memories from that. Making oil lanterns from used cooking oil and hemp wicks and sitting out on my porch until 5 AM, that's one that comes back a lot.

I'm very distracted right now, I keep drifting off into branching memories. All from that time period - Spring/Summer 2019. And some scattered memories from my last relationship. And I have the same response to both of them. A mixture of longing... and... man, I'm having trouble even putting my finger on the emotion. Kinda disgust, and kinda shame. So... given those clues... and what I learned in some mental health workshops I've been to... that mixed emotion is most likely the very beginnings of a trauma response. And rightfully so, those were some of the most prolonged traumatic times of my life.

I don't know if that's even true, honestly... but these times stick out very uniquely. And I'm guessing that's because those times contained a lot of memories that... I really wanted to keep, but struggle to. Things I was aspiring towards in life, things I would love to have in my life right now. Things I would love to think back on fondly and nostalgically. But they are drowned in the shadow of their association with proximal traumas. And that really upsets me.

That's a long term goal of mine that I've actually been having a lot of success with this year. Reclaiming memories from this reflex of avoiding the emotional shock of reliving traumatic shit. Like... listening to an album that you use to listen to with someone you loved before they did something very bad to you; and being able to reconnect with the good of that memory, and separate it from the bad. And given how strong my power of association is... good lord is that a task.

But Rome wasn't built in a day, these kinds of things are worked on piece by piece, inch by inch, slowly.

My next target for this, which I will try pretty soon, is to reclaim the album Matriarch by Veil of Maya. I was really starting to get into that album when I was supposed to move in with my ex... that is... she was supposed to move in with me when I moved to the house on the pond. And that synced up with being falsely diagnosed with epilepsy, and all the craziness that came with that. So... that was a really tough time for me, with some very vivid negative memories. But that album is one that I really enjoyed, and there are really good memories that come with that, too.

I'm trying right now to not get upset with myself. I feel like... I should be better at just accepting the bad things in life for what they are - or, in this case, were. Just... identifying and accepting those as being events that occurred, and learning from them. And, honestly, I have learned a ton from them. But it's still really unsettling, and it makes me avoid the past. Just because of the emotional factor, I guess. And probably because... I'm left alone with my thoughts? Yeah, I'm feeling like I'm close to something here. I think isolation is a factor with this. Yep. Because I have no problem talking about shit in therapy, or with people I trust and am close to --- okay, so... in therapy, then... XD --- But... I guess I just don't trust my brain when I'm alone in isolation for long periods of time.

And it wasn't always like this! This was definitely something I learned from first-hand experience. That, when left alone to process shit, and having no one to call or help talk me down or anything? With how... invasive? And persistent my brain can be? Like getting a jingle stuck in your head, that kinda persistent. Like... these fucking ads got that stupid fucking T-Pain Splash soda commercial jingle stuck in my fucking head, and out of nowhere my brain will just play a few notes of it in my head. Over and over and over, interrupting everything I'm doing. And often, that kinda thing happens when I reopen memories and shit, but with very visceral imagery... mind's-eye imaginative experiences.

How does being alone play into this? There are no distractions. You're on your own for distractions. The mind wanders, constantly. Having someone around... you can process, they can help occupy your focus, they can offer you perspective to help you reframe. You've got options. When you don't have that? It's all on you. And for me? It just turns into a grueling hours (sometimes days) long game of inner-thought Whack-A-Mole.

It feels so irrationally dramatic to be this averse to accepting memory and... I guess desensitizing myself to it. And... the reasoning, of course, would be because... I'm naturally very sensitive. Especially emotionally, but with other senses as well. Which makes this process much more experientially intense. (From what I've been told by my past therapists. I, of course, consider myself "normal" and had to be convinced that my level of sensitivity was... not exactly bog standard.) And... being emotionally sensitive in... well... I wanted to say today's society... but really... most societies period... it's pretty heavily stigmatized against. It's very clearly portrayed as weakness, especially in males. Which I always found ironic. Don't you think it's odd that emotions - one of the most uniquely human traits in the web of life - are considered by the majority of humans to be a sign of... failure? Or weakness? Like... I swear to god, most people I've encountered in life... if I gave them a description of the character traits of Siri they would probably consider them a more balanced and functional human than myself, and Siri is a fucking AI. There are a lot of fun little implications with that line of thought... but I ain't gonna unpack that shit tonight.

My sensitivity, my creativity, my unique experiences and lifestyle, they make me different, but they are what make me... me. I love what makes me different, I have to, because that's how I love myself. And I was reminded in my last therapy appointment just how different I am. It frustrates me to no end that I keep forgetting. It's such an isolating feeling, and it always has been.

But... that's what keeps me going. Like... if I was super different and I hated my experience of being different... I'd be in a much different mental position. But... I love my experience of life. It's really difficult sometimes, like how I meandered into this topic... the invasive emotional overwhelm, the lurking nightmare emotions, shit like that... but the other side of that coin is fucking magical. The other side of that coin is sitting in a car with my friends passed out in the back at 5AM, after driving through the night, looking out over the Atlantic Ocean at the sun coming up, and the feeling that comes with it. It's music bringing me into another state of being, that triggers multisensory experiences. It's an immersive, romantic, emotional experience of life. It's life with the gain turned up.

During the bad times, I envy those who are emotionally disconnected. During the good, I feel deeply sorry for them. And, overall, that balances out to a positive. And I dedicate myself to just... optimizing the odd configuration of traits I have... and make this weird life of mine... stable and healthy, and encourage its growth. Rather than try to rearrange my DNA to make me into a person that people want me to be, or society tells me I should be; but at my core, I am not.

And as weird as this life of mine is? I say... glancing over at the goat skull sitting on my work table... XD I really do love it. And I really would like nothing more than to share it with others. It's really been my primary goal since that time period I mentioned at the beginning of this entry - Spring/Summer 2019. And it's been consistently decimating to continue failing at that.

I'm actually starting to nod off. I have no idea how I got onto this, I've gone full ramble-mode. I didn't do much today. It was really just a recovery day... again... but I did squeeze in some bead work and I did yoga, which was nice. The plants are doing really well, the chili is growing very fast now, the bush cutting is somehow still going, I really didn't expect it but it's still green and hangin in there.

Yeah, my attention is completely wandering right now, I'm really struggling to focus on this. So... I'm gonna call it early tonight.

[moon-light-jukebox]

Germs [Reid x Reader]

this gif isn’t mine

Summary: Reader is sure the resident BAU genius doesn’t like her, but she’s not sure why. But even if he did like her, he’s a germaphobe, so he wouldn’t be comfortable with the things she wants to do to him...would he?

Pairing: Spencer Reid / (Female) Reader

Word Count: 5.6k

Rating: Mature 

Category: Fluff and Smut 

Content Warning: Brief mentions of torture and violence, usually criminal minds stuff, nothing explicit. Light choking, oral sex (female receiving), penetrative sex, fingering, language (maybe?) 

A/n: I have come out of fan fiction writing retirement for this one. Let me know what y’all think!  masterlist

y/n - your name

y/l/n - your last name

italicized text is Reader’s sassy inner thoughts

---

I’m not sure if I believe in hell, but if there is a hell, I’m sure it feels exactly like Louisiana in July. Every time I walked outside I felt like I was walking into soup. Gross. I couldn’t help but feel guilty over my sigh of relief when I walked back into the local precinct the team was currently working out of. Young women are dying, and I’m worried about a little bit of heat.

But, fuck, it was hot.

Speaking of heat, I thought as I threw open the door to the conference room only to run smack into the hottest thing I’d ever encountered.

“Shit,” I exclaimed before I thought better of it. “I’m so sorry.” I ran my eyes up, up, up, all the way up his body until I met his eyes; those beautiful honey brown eyes that threatened to have me acting like an idiot if I stared into them for too long.  

Dr. Spencer Reid’s cheeks were tinged pink, his posture stiff, his fingers clutching the file he was carrying for dear life. “Don’t worry about it, Y/n,” he sounded uncomfortable, which made my stomach drop. “My fault.” With that, he quickly maneuvered around me and headed off to complete whatever genius task he had to complete.

My eyes followed him until he was out of sight before I mentally shook myself. ‘C’mon, this is pointless,’ I thought. ‘He doesn’t even like you.’ Which I really thought was true, the good doctor went out of his way to avoid me whenever possible. ‘Plus, he’s a germaphobe.’ This thought was confirmed true. He didn’t shake people’s hands, the only people I’d seen him touch during my time at the BAU were members of the team that he’d known for years, and some of those even seemed reluctant.

Admittedly, I didn’t know a lot about germaphobia; since I couldn’t ask the only genius I knew, I did the next logical thing. I googled it. Every person I’d read about seemed to experience germaphobia differently. Some people could have sex, but others were grossed out by the very idea. Knowing my luck, Spencer Reid and his beautiful hands, and his soulful eyes, and his cheekbones that could cut glass was in the repulsed by sex category. Which is fine! Right, it is fine to not be interested in sex; the only problem was I was very interested in every part of him.  

Maybe he thinks I’m gross. Maybe I stink? Maybe he’s just repulsed by my very presence. Regardless, I couldn’t see Spencer Reid ever shoving me against a wall and fucking me senseless.

I sighed, making my way over to the conference table, pulling out a chair before I flopped into it. I could feel the exhaustion settling into my bones. We had been in Louisiana for almost a week now and we were still no closer to finding our unsub. He was a white man, he worked in a lower-paying job, and he hated women. Obviously, that didn’t narrow it down much.

The unsub was targeting women in clubs and bars, following them outside before he bashed them on the back of the head. After that, he threw the girls over his shoulder and took them to his car; he moved them to a secondary location before he tortured them. The first two victims had survived. They were traumatized, but they were fighters; they both said the same things, ‘he kept my eyes covered the entire time,’ “I never saw his face,’ ‘I did whatever he told me to do.’

We thought the killing of the third victim had been an accident, but that accident had excited our guy enough that he changed his ritual; the killing was crucial now. We had 4 bodies, 2 live victims that couldn’t tell us anything, and no leads.

Sighing, I leaned forward, bringing the heels of my hands to my eyes. I hated feeling helpless. The answer to who this fucker was is in this evidence somewhere and I will find it. If it’s the last thing I do.

The doors swung open again, pulling me from my thoughts. Hotch lead the parade of people, followed by Morgan, JJ, and Dr. Reid. Our unit chef looked gravely serious…not that that necessarily meant anything, in the 6 months I’d been with the behavioral analysis unit I hadn’t seen him have any other expression.

Morgan pulled out his phone, hitting what I suspected was speed dial number 1. “Hey baby girl,” he said, without his usual swagger; even he was tired. “You’re on speaker. You’ve got me, Hotch, JJ, Reid, and Y/l/n.”

“And I have the always wonderful Emily Prentiss, and the dashing David Rossi on the line, effectively putting my favorite people together again, as they should be,” Garcia quipped. I don’t think she meant to include me in her list of ‘favorite people,’ but it made me smile anyway. “Okay, crime fighters, what’s the play?”

“We’re still no closer to finding the unsub,” Hotch began. “He’s highly organized, methodical, and paranoid; but he hasn’t killed in 3 days, this is a break from his escalation pattern. He’s going to strike soon.” Hotch leaned over resting his palms on the shiny fake wood of the conference table. “Our best chance is to send an agent out there as bait.” There was a general murmur of agreement before he continued on. “Garcia, we need you to find all of the night clubs, bars, and whatever else you can think of in the updated comfort zone.”

The sound of keys clicking made its way through the speaker. “Assuming we’re excluding the places he’s already hit, that leaves us with 3 possibilities.”

“So far he hasn’t struck a place twice,” Prentiss chimed in. “Do we think he’s going to hold to that pattern?”

Reid moved over to the board where the map of the county was displayed. “I think so. This guy is too careful to risk going to a place where he’s been before. The chance of him being recognized is too great, especially when everyone is on high alert.” He gestured to the area he had circled on the map. “His pattern seems to be focusing in on this center point right here,” he said, placing a pin in the map. “This area means something. Garcia, what is the closest club or bar to the intersection of Washington Avenue and Harrison Street?”

“That would beeeeee…The Blue Fox.”

“That’s where he’ll be,” Dr. Reid said confidently, his eyes moving to Hotch’s face.

The older man nodded. “It’s our best lead so far, we have to run with it.”

“It’s Friday night,” Rossi pointed out. “We’ll have to act soon.”

Hotch nodded, seeming to be lost in thought. “We need to send agents in there tonight. We know the victims were all on dates or flirting with a man right before their abduction. He targets women that are happy with their companions then waits til he can separate them.”

“Who are you planning on sending in, Hotch?’ JJ questioned.

“Y/l/n is the youngest, she fits the build of the previous victims the best.” His heavy gaze rested on me. “What do you think?”

Like it was even a choice. “I’m in.”

Hotch nodded, accepting my answer. “Good. You’ll partner with Reid.”

“What?!” I squawked, much to my embarrassment. I cleared my throat before I continued. “But, Reid and I…I just thought Morgan would be the obvious choice.” Fuck, I’m just digging a bigger hole.

Morgan gave me an easy smile. “You’re just saying that because you wanna see my moves, little mama.”

Hotch cleared his throat, bringing our attention back. “Morgan is too intimidating; the unsub might not move in if he feels too threatened. You’ll go with Reid.” When he was met with silence he continued on, “alright, let’s get to work.”

-

And that is how I wound up in a club in Louisiana on a Friday night, in a tight black dress, with Spencer Reid beside me. After he walked into the club holding my hand. He doesn’t hold hands, I cringed internally at the thought. He must feel so uncomfortable.

He waved the bartender over, ordering a drink for me and a water for himself before turning to me. “I thought a drink would loosen you up a bit. You look nervous.”

I am nervous. “Right. Thanks.” I drummed my fingers on the bar, my gaze sweeping around the club for anyone who seemed out of place and especially creepy. Most lone men at clubs and bars were creepy, but we need especially creepy.

“Is that because you don’t think I can have your back?”

My head snapped back around. “What?”

Spencer paused to accept the drinks from the bartender, sliding him the money. “In the conference room. You seemed upset that Morgan wasn’t going to be your partner,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Is that because you think I wouldn’t have your back?”

Fuck. I blushed to the roots of my hair. “No, Spencer! God no! It’s not that, I know you’d have my back.” I took a sip of my drink before I said anything else. “It’s just that…you don’t seem to like me very much, and I know you have a thing about germs, and I thought maybe that’s why you didn’t like me.” I was babbling; I was absolutely babbling. “I just didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, that’s all. Morgan has never seemed uncomfortable around me, so…” I trailed off lamely.

The corners of his lips quirked up in amusement. “So, you didn’t want to partner with me on this because you didn’t want me to be uncomfortable?”

I nodded, fidgeting with the straw in my drink.

Spencer moved closer to me, his right hand coming to rest on the small of my back. He seemed as calm as he could be, meanwhile I suddenly had trouble breathing.

It’s for the case. He has to do this for the case. Calm down.

"What do my issues with germs have to do with this?" he wondered, leaning closer to me. I could feel his breath on my neck; my skin broke out in goosebumps.

Double fuck. “Well, we’re supposed to be…together. And you think I’m gross. What if you have to kiss me?” TRIPLE FUCK. “Not that we’d have to kiss,” I tried to backpedal. “But we might, you never know. And I just didn’t…I don’t want you to dislike me more than you do.”

The teasing smile slipped from his face, the fingers on my lower back flexing slightly. He regarded me with a tilt of his head. "You're serious?" At my shaky nod, he continued. "Y/n, I don't think you're gross."

“You don’t?” I squeaked.

He lifted his hand from my back then, sliding it up to my shoulder, his free hand moving from the bar to rest on my hip. Spencer brushed my hair back before he leaned forward. Slowly, slowly, slowly, I felt his lips touch the tender skin of my neck. My eyes fluttered shut, unable to suppress a gasp at the contact. Spencer Reid’s beautiful lips slid down to the place where my neck and shoulder met, then I felt his teeth nip the skin before he placed another kiss there. He worked his way back up towards my ear, the hand on my hip moving slightly so he was almost grabbing my ass. “I don’t think you’re gross,” he breathed, causing me to shudder. I could hear the smirk in his voice. “Germs don’t bother me in that way, especially around people I know. I wouldn’t have a problem kissing you, baby.”

I was going to need new panties after this. Spencer Reid, awkward, sweet, Dr. Spencer Reid just called me Baby.

“…Oh.” Really, y/n. Oh; you went with oh?

The good doctor pulled back, his face close enough to mine that I could see that he had freckles under his eyes and that those beautiful eyes got more golden towards the center. "Oh."

-

Michael Watkins was the name of our unsub. He was a short white man with a receding hairline and a bad temper. His last relationship had ended 3 months before the first attack; Spencer was right to pick this bar. Shortly after he tried to make my pussy combust with his neck kisses, Reid suggested I walk to the bathroom, assuring me he’d be watching if anyone followed.

Watkins’ hand was in my hair, dragging me outside before I made it to the ladies’ room. I felt a jolt of fear as I struggled to escape, strands of hair being ripped from my head. I shouldn’t have worried, because no sooner had the outside door opened than I heard the velvety voice of Derek Morgan. “FBI! Put your hands where we can see them.”

He attempted to run. Why would anyone try to run from Derek Morgan?  

After the medics confirmed I was okay, I was sent back to the hotel while the rest of the team went with the local police to book Watkins and try to get a full confession.

“Good work,” Hotch said, his hand clapping down on my shoulder.

The highest praise I’ll ever need.

I hopped into the shower right when I got back to my room, not wanting Watkins’ touch on me for a moment longer.

Spencer’s touch, however,…That was a touch I wouldn’t mind having on me. But he’d barely looked at me once he made it outside. I knew he was being affectionate in there because of the case, we were playing a role. I knew that. I still couldn’t stop the twinge of hurt I felt.

But he doesn’t think I’m gross. That had to count for something.

I had just got done blow drying my hair enough so that it wouldn’t look too crazy when I woke up when there was a knock on my door. Figuring it was Emily, I didn't consider the fact that I was in my pajamas, and my face was scrubbed free of makeup.  

It wasn’t Emily. Spencer Reid stood on the other side of my door, his eyes running down my body before he met my bewildered stare again. “You look comfy,” he commented with that damn little smile on his lips again.

“Oh. Yeah. I took a shower.” Way to go, y/n, you’re really killing it tonight.

“I see that,” he said, his cheeks going a little bit pink. “Can I come in? I thought we should talk.” Was he nervous? Why would he be nervous?

I ushered him in, shutting the door behind him. He sat on the bottom edge of my bed; his body angled towards the headboard. I briefly debated about where to sit before I joined him. Don’t make it weird, y/n.

He cleared his throat before he began. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable tonight. I just wanted to make sure we got the guy.”

Right. “Oh, it’s okay, Spencer. I get it. I wasn’t uncomfortable.” I picked at the frayed edge of my sleep shorts, my eyes dropping so he didn’t see anything on my face that betrayed how I was feeling; you can’t be too careful around profilers.

His hand reached out to cover my own fidgeting hands, one of his hands covering both of mine. His hands were so big. His fingers were so long, the veins in his hands were so pronounced. I bet those fingers would feel really – FOCUS.

“I’m also sorry you thought I didn’t like you.” His thumb had started to move slowly over the back of my hand. “I do like you. I like you a lot, actually. I just…” I brought my gaze back up to meet his eyes. “I just get nervous sometimes.”

“You didn’t seem nervous in the club.”

“No,” he chuckled. “I wasn’t nervous then because it was my job. I wasn’t worried about misreading a signal…doing the wrong thing…I’m not the best with social cues.” I had noticed that about him before. “But I am a really good profiler.” And he’s humble too, apparently.

“I know that you couldn’t fake your reaction to me in the club. Your breathing became quicker, I felt your pulse jump under my lips when they were on your neck. I saw how blown your pupils got." He shifted closer to me then, bringing his other hand up to push my hair behind my shoulder like he did earlier in the night. "Just like they are now."

He leaned closer to me, his voice was lower, and it made my stomach flutter. "You're clenching your thighs together, Y/n. Your shirt may be baggy, but I can see how hard your nipples are too." His tongue ran out to wet his lips. "If I'm wrong, just tell me now. If I've misread this, I will leave right now, and we can pretend this never happened." Spencer brought both his hands up to cradle my face; despite how wet my panties were, how tight my nipples are, how badly I wanted him to touch me, this gesture made me feel special. He was holding me like he actually cared about me like I was precious. "But, if I'm not wrong, and you want this too, Y/n, tell me. Tell me you want this too and I won't stop touching you until you scream my name."

I let out a soft whimper then. Like it’s a choice. “I want this,” I leaned into his touch. “Please, Spencer.”

His thumb brushed over my cheek, his eyes never leaving mine. “Please, what, baby?”

“Kiss me.”

No sooner had the words left my mouth than his lips were on mine. His lips were softer than I imagined, they were firm and almost…questioning. When I nipped at his bottom lip, something seemed to break free inside of him. His lips slanted over mine with a hunger I had never felt. His tongue ran over my bottom lip before I opened for him. Spencer’s tongue moved into my mouth while his hands moved; one hand moved back to grip my hair at the base of my skull, tugging firmly, the other moved down to my neck, not applying any pressure, just resting it there in a gesture that felt possessive.

The need for oxygen broke us apart, his lips moving across my cheek to my jaw, then down to my neck. “How could you think I didn’t like you?” he mumbled into my skin. “You have no idea what you do to me. None.”

I threw my head back when he sucked on my pulse point, a moan ripping from my throat. “W-what…what do I do?”

Pulling back from me, he gripped the bottom of my shirt, looking at me for consent before he pulled it over my head. His eyes were firmly on my chest, his lips parted, his breathing heavy. He pushed me down slowly on the bed; I was on my back and he was hovering over me. I felt his mouth place hot, wet, kisses from my collarbone down towards my breasts. His right hand landed on my breast, his thumb brushing back and forth over my nipple while his lips moved closer and closer to my left. I tangled my hands in his hair, urging him forward.

“You want to know what you do to me?” he raised his head slightly, making sure my eyes were on him when he flicked his tongue over my nipple, causing me to gasp. “What do you do to me in your little skirts, with your little smiles, and your little laughs?” He gave my nipple a sharp pinch. “You’re all I fucking think about, y/n.” With a growl, he finally took my nipple in his mouth, teasing it with his teeth and tongue. He switched to the other breast while he adjusted himself over me, bringing his pelvis down to rest at the seam of my body between my thighs. I shifted restlessly under him, trying to grind my pussy against him. He was so fucking hard.

With a groan, he lifted his head and started kissing his way towards the middle of my chest, moving down to the curve of my stomach. “Do you know how many times I came back to my hotel room after spending all day with you and was so hard I had to cum before I could think of anything else?” he peppered kisses down my body as he spoke.

My eyes shot open at this confession that he seemed to think was no big deal. “What?” I couldn’t believe this. “You…you touched yourself and thought of…”

He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my shorts and panties, taking my raised hips as an invitation to remove both from my body. "You. I thought of you." He threw my clothes on the floor, pulling my legs open. His eyes moved over all of me, his Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed hard. “I thought about kissing you. About making you squirm for me.” He ran his fingers up and down my thighs, his mouth running slowly over my inner thighs. Spencer’s hands hooked around my upper thighs, moving me to where he wanted me. “But, most of all, I thought about this pretty pussy.” He placed a kiss on my clit, chuckling at the wanton moan that came from me and how my fingers tangled in his soft brown curls. “I thought about all the different ways I could make this pretty pussy cum all over me.” With that, he ran his tongue up my slit before flicking it over my clit.

Dr. Spencer Reid was good at everything, so of course, he was good at this too. His mouth moved over me, watching my reaction to see what I liked best. His tongue moved in circles around my clit before slipping down to my opening. His tongue plunged inside me, fucking me, while his thumb came over to rub my clit.

“Spence- fuck- Spencer, please.” My hips tried to shift restlessly, but his arms were iron bars holding me still. He slowly moved his left forearm to rest across my hips, bringing his right hand down to my throbbing pussy. He pulled his mouth away from me, much to my dismay. He pushed one finger, then another into me. My head thrashed wildly, and my thighs started to shake. “Spencer!”

He just smirked and curled his fingers, hitting the spot inside me that made everything in my body pulse. “What, baby?”

My breaths were coming in gasps, my voice was a needy whimper. “Make me cum, Spencer. Please, please make me cum.”

He needed no other encouragement. His fingers continued their steady thrust in and out of me while his mouth covered my clit again. He alternated between flicking my clit with his tongue, then circling it before pulling it into his mouth, sucking lightly.

“Spencer.” I felt my orgasm rising. “Spencer don’t- don’t stop. I’m gonna cum, please make me cum.”

He kept his pace steady, sucking on my clit, moaning at my words. His eyes had been closed, but at that moment they opened and met mine. Then I felt his teeth ghost over my clit, I saw the want in his eyes. That was my undoing. My back arched, my mouth hung open in a silent scream. I heard myself say his name over and over again. Spencer pushed his fingers inside me, massaging me through the most powerful orgasm I had ever had. With one final kiss on my oversensitive clit, he withdrew his fingers, putting them into his mouth to suck my orgasm off of them.

He kissed back up my body, and I tried to respond, but I was still so shattered. I had never felt anything so powerful before. He cupped my face in one hand and kissed me slowly. I returned the kiss, moving my hands to the buttons of his shirt.

Spencer broke the kiss, pulling back to look at me again. “Hang on, baby.” His hand came up to still my own. “We can take a second. It’s okay. Just breathe.”

This beautiful man smiled at me then. I felt my heart flutter when he leaned down to pepper soft kisses along my jaw, his thumb coming up to wipe a tear that fell from the corner of my eye that I hadn’t even noticed.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that. He shifted to lay beside me, whispering reassurances to me while I came back down. This was just one of the ways that Spencer was so different from every other man. I didn't feel rushed, or pressured. I could feel how hard he still was, I could feel the tension in his body, but he simply kissed me while he cupped my jaw.

He made me feel…cherished.

I moved my hands to tangle in his hair again, deepening our kiss. He didn’t move my hands away when I started to work on the buttons of his shirt. The fire that I thought had been calmed by my orgasm had come roaring back. Spencer moved his hands to his belt while I finished with his shirt. His shirt came off, tossed in the same direction as my clothes. I pulled his pants and boxers down his legs, watching his cock spring free.

Everything about him was painfully beautiful. His angular cheekbones, the jaw that looked like it was carved from granite, even the toned muscles of his body. He had a small trail of hair that went down from his belly button to his groin. His cock laid against his stomach, the head glistening with precum.

“You’re beautiful,” I whispered, kneeling beside him, running my eyes over his body.

His soft hand came to grab mine, pulling it to his lips. He kissed the back of my hand, smiling softly at me.

I moved to straddle him, lower on his thighs. I took him in my hand, moving up and down, twisting my wrist as I neared the tip, swiping my thumb over his head.

“Baby,” he groaned. “Y/n, as much as I want you to do…whatever the fuck you want with me, I’m so close. I feel like I’m going to explode.” I bit into my bottom lip, unable to totally stop the smile spreading over my face. “Please, I need to feel your pussy wrapped around my cock.” He moved his hands to my hips, urging my body forward.

I raised up on my knees, taking him in my hand again, lining him up with my entrance. The tendons in his neck were strained, his fingers gripped my hips so hard I knew I was going to have bruises tomorrow. As I slowly started to sink down on his cock, Spencer let out the sexiest groan I had ever heard. His eyes were fixed where our bodies were joined, watching his dick slid deeper inside of me.

“Come on, baby,” he whispered. “You’re doing so good. Just a little bit more.”

He was so long, he wasn't overly thick, but just thick enough to cause a pleasurable stretching when he breached me that was almost painful. I gasped out a sound that might have been his name when he bottomed out inside me. I slowly circled my hips, adjusting to him. Spencer’s nails dug into my hips as he forced himself to stay still.

“Please move, y/n. Please. You’re so fucking tight.” He groaned as my walls fluttered around him. “Do you like it when I talk to you? Does that make your pretty pussy wetter?” He smirked at my whimper as I tightened around him.

I began at a slower pace, trying to tease him. Spencer quickly lost patience with that; he thrust his hips upwards, meeting my movements, his hands pushing me down onto him. I leaned forward, bracing on hand on his shoulder, the other on the bed. He pounded into me while I tried to match his pace. Spencer’s hand moved from my hip up to wrap around my throat. I nodded, forcing my eyes to stay open as he moved inside me.

His fingers squeezed slightly, pulling my face closer to his. Our lips met in a sloppy kiss. My thighs burned from matching his movements. “You feel so fucking good, y/n.” His grip on my neck tightened ever so slightly, which only heightened my arousal. “I want to feel you cum on my cock. Can you do that for me, pretty girl?”

He flipped us over quickly, never pulling completely out of me. Spencer moved to push my legs further apart, the change in angle allowing him to fill me deeper than I thought possible. His hair was sticking to his brow, his cheeks were flushed, his breathing erratic. He was the most fucking beautiful thing I had ever seen.

One hand held my leg, the other went down to my pussy, his thumb moving over my clit at a rapid pace. “Tell me what you need, Pretty Girl. Tell me how to make this pretty pussy cum all over me.”

I whined at his words. “Spencer, I-“ my voice broke off. I was so fucking close. "I need you." He seemed to understand my broken plea. He brought his body down, his chest flush against mine. He rocked into me at such a fast and hard pace. His hand still in between us rubbing circles around my clit.  

I felt his lips ghost over my ear. “I want to fucking hear you, y/n.” His speed increased, his thrust getting choppier. He was close. “I want this whole fucking town to hear what you sound like when I make you cum. When you cream all over my dick, I want you to scream my name.” With that, he moved his mouth down my neck. He bit the same tender area he had kissed in the club, where my neck met my shoulder.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck yes, Spencer!" I felt myself begin to splinter apart. “Please make me cum, fuck please.” My babbling finally broke as my orgasm tore through me. I couldn’t hear his deep groan when I came, my scream was too loud. I felt the vibration against my neck. It was only as I started to float down that I realized my nails were dug into his back. With a few last thrust and my name on his lips, I felt Spencer pulse, cumming inside me.

We lay there for a few minutes, just breathing before he rolled off of me. I felt overwhelmed, so I was relieved when he tugged me over to him. He wrapped his arm around me when I laid my head on his chest. I felt his lips on my forehead. “It’s very important for women to urinate after sexual intercourse to avoid UTIs, but you have another minute or so before that becomes more urgent.”

I couldn’t control my laugh at his comment. "Thanks, Doc." I kissed his chest. "Only you could make me cum so hard I almost blackout, then go back to being…you." I slowly untangled myself from him, going to the bathroom to handle business. When I returned, I found Spencer where I left him, his eyes were fixed on the ceiling, one hand resting behind his head, the other over his heart. He looked so lost in that moment.

“Spencer?” I asked, crawling on to the bed. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t pretend that something wasn’t bothering him. “When you said that I just go back to being me…Do you not like that?”

My heart broke a tiny bit at the question. “Spencer, no! I love that! I love your little facts and statistics!” How did he not know that? “The best part of my day is listening to you talk. Just being with you is wonderful.” I cupped his face, bringing his gaze to mine. “Sure, I like what we just did; but I liked you before that. I want both.” Fuck. “Assuming you want me,” I rambled quickly. “This doesn’t have to mean anything, I know that it doesn’t always-“

He cut me off by pressing his lips to mine in the sweetest kiss I had ever felt. It was filled with hope and promise and…Spencer.

“It means everything to me, Y/n.”

-

I didn’t see the rest of the team until the next morning when we all boarded the jet; I was so ready to go home. I personally didn’t think anything appeared that different. Spencer sat beside me on the couch, but that wasn’t weird…right? We were just co-workers, sitting beside each other super casually. Had we spent most of last night and a little bit of this morning screwing each other’s brains out? Certainly. But you couldn’t see that…right?

Morgan’s chuckle is what confirmed I was so wrong. “Hey, y/l/n,” he called, smiling so hard it looked like his face would split from his amusement. “You missed a spot.” He pointed towards his own neck.

There was a beat of silence before Hotch snorted. SSA Aaron Hotchner, the man who never found anything funny was laughing at me.

I felt myself turn tomato red, angling my body towards Spencer’s, burying my head against his shoulder, away from the rest of the team.

“I bet you’re glad pretty boy was your partner now, huh?”

I may have wanted to melt into the floor in embarrassment, but it was sort of worth it to see the blush on Spencer’s cheeks.

--

[boldlyvoid]

Intro and masterlist

✨about me ✨

this is a mature blog, I trust all minors to be responsible and avoid everything marked NSFW!

NSFW sideblog: @pervstash-spencer

Hi! my name is emily, I'm 23 she/they

Capricorn, bisexual, non-binary, autistic, and I have fibromyalgia ✌🏻 overall just a fun time y'know.

ao3

i love: supernatural, star trek, marvel movies, criminal minds, this is us and grey's anatomy !!

Accepting requests for Spencer Reid x Reader fics currently

all my tags are listed below if you want to see other posts about said fics, also here is my Spotify for the fics <3

Dad!spencer Masterlist

First times Masterlist**

all links to my fics below the cut!

Updated: July 28th, 2021

** for smut

~~ for angst

Spencer Reid x Reader fics

Hypothetically**~ Ao3 | Tumblr -- 27 chapters, complete. 89k

reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast.

friends to lovers, case of the week style story

touch me**~ Ao3 | Tumblr 5.8k

Spencer is incredibly touch-starved and hard on himself since coming home from prison. Luckily, the medical examiner in this small town is really good at reading people, and exactly what he needs.

amethyst you so much P1 Ao3 | Tumblr 6.4k

Spencer has had a crush on Y/N since she started working at the bau. She only ever works the night shift after a case, handling all the aftermath gracefully. one night, Spencer stays back and they strike up a conversation about rocks, causing their feelings to dig a little deeper.

of quartz i will P2** Ao3 | Tumblr 6K

after 2 years of dating, Spencer decides it's finally time to get Y/N something to match her Amethyst bracelet.

Amoreena**~ Ao3 | Tumblr Completed 83k

Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Seven* Tumblr WIP

Summary: Spencer’s been married to Y/N for 7 years now, they have 7 children together and each one is going through something different. Spencer’s always wanted to be the best dad, now he gets to figure out how to be.

the guy at the rock show Ao3 | Tumblr 5.6K

Y/N lost their parents when they were 17, finding a new home and solace in Penelope Garcia and taking the Garcia name. They're the top forensic specialist in D.C, in a band and they drive a motorcycle... not to mention they are madly in love with the cute doctor who works with their sister.

journey to Camelot** Ao3 | Tumblr 3.8K

When Penelope introduces Spencer to online games, he expects to be spending his nights alone. Yet, somehow every time he comes back from a bad case, he logs on to chat with the ever so lovely user FairlyGwen and getting a lot more than just a helpful tip from her.

Exploration** Ao3 | Tumblr 4.7K

request: season1/2 spencer walking in on reader while she's watching porn in their shared hotel room

Expedition** Tumblr 1.2K

Summary: there's a first time for everything... including joining the mile high club with your boyfriend on the work jet.

10 Days Ao3 | Tumblr 1.4K

it's spencer's first father's day and he's extremely emotional about the little love of his life that he's only just met. he spends the day with his baby, Edwin, and his wife, crying and happy about how wonderful new little lives are.

ain't it fun?** Ao3 | Tumblr Masterlist 11K

reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

I'm not kidding!** Tumblr 6K

Spencer keeps getting little notes from a secret admirer, they're nice and sweet at first as they tease him with their crush until she's sending him notes about all the dirty things she wants to do to him

Perfect Timing** Tumblr 1K

spencer and reader have been spending the last month together in the same hotel room during a pretty brutal case. tension has been rising and she's completely in love with him.

what happens when they both think the other won't be back for a while and they want to shower?

Redamancy** Tumblr 5.4K

the co-op librarian at the FBI Academy has been secretly crushing on the smartest agent in the Bureau, TA, Doctor Spencer Reid, and he's been crushing on her too.

Being Neighbourly** Tumblr 1.9K

Request: reader is Spencers neighbour and she can hear him masturbating every night that he's home how do you have her deal with that?

Professional Hair Dresser (Ph.D)** Tumblr 6.4K

summary: after Spencer's knee injury, he starts visiting a salon every week to get his hair washed

36 Questions to Fall in Love Tumblr 8K

Summary: When Derek bets Spencer that he cant make someone fall in love with him in a week, he doesn’t expect Spencer to marry the girl the next day

New Romantics** Tumblr 23k

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Million Dollar Man** | Tumblr WIP 5k so far

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Sugar, Honey, Ice Tea** | Y/N version | 1-4, 5-9, Epilogue 25.6k

Summary: Fix-it-fic: Dr. Y/L/N and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Prison, Prison Violence, Assault, Blood, Depression, Murder, Self-Hatred, Hurt Spencer Reid, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Drug Addiction, References to Drugs, Drug Use, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Romantic Tension, Forbidden Love, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Requited Love, Falling In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, past abusive relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault

Spencer x Ethan

Ruin it.** Tumblr 5.4K

Summary: Spencer never had sleepovers as a kid, so now that he's an adult he's always sleeping over at Ethan's house, ad he'll take any excuse to crawl into bed beside him.

Warnings: mutual pining, love concessions, blowjobs, handjobs, anal sex (both top and bottom spencer in this), childhood friends to lovers

400 Celebration fics

Reid Me Tumblr 2.5K

Spencer has noticed a beautiful woman at a spirituality booth at the farmers market every Saturday for almost a whole year now. he finally asks her to give him a reading.

mystery of love Tumblr 700

Spencer surprises his wife with a trip to Italy.

Spy Kids Tumblr 900

Spencer and Y/N's kids think that they are secretly spies and request a mission story before bed.

a father's greatest weakness Tumblr 1K

Princess Y/N is betrothed to the Viking king in an effort by her father to keep the peace between their countries, he doesn't expect her to join in the fight to free Scottland.

Luke x Reader

Best Dad Ever 2.8K

Request: angst with a happy ending, reader and luke have been divorced for a few years but have a child, she tries and tries to fall out of love with him but he's around so often that she can't

Spencer x OC

Sugar Honey Ice Tea** Ao3 | WIP 9/10 chapters complete 25.6K

Fix-it-fic: Dr. Beth Pattinson and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It Ao3 | Tumblr WIP 6K+

Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

Criminal Minds x Mindhunter AU

Spencer x OC Peggy Carr

Franklin x Reader

Voulez-Vouz** | 3.2k

Summary: in a small town, everyone knows each other… or at least they think they do.

Warnings: porn with plot, smut, Dom reader, Sub!Perv!franklin, making out, teasing, face sitting, oral (female and male), hand jobs, overstimulation, prostate message, multiple orgasms, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, let me know if I forgot anything.

Chip x Reader

forever is the sweetest con** | 6.2K

Summary: Reader’s dad is a carpenter; sometimes he takes on apprentices and sometimes, if they’re lucky, they get his daughter’s number at the end of their training. Chip Taylor, however, hits the jackpot when her father invites him over for one of her homecooked meals.

Warnings: reader’s mom passed away, mentions of parental death, strangers to lovers, random acts of kindness, mutual pining, falling in love, steamy make-outs, oral sex (male and female receiving), fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, dirty talk, sub!chip, food mentions, praise, love confessions.

Raymond x Reader

Alone Together ** | 2.4K

Summary: Raymond moves into a haunted house and ends up sleeping with the ghost who lives there... only he doesn't know that when you fuck a ghost you also become one.

Warnings: details of suicide and murder, blowjobs, pegging, bottom!raymond, top!reader, becoming a ghost, major character death.

Star Trek Masterlist

Star Wars fix it fic

Supernatural masterlist

thanks for all the love, as always,

-Emily <3