#i really want to live somewhere where health care is better and i can get help when i need it

[jedi-bird]

Everything in my back, neck, and hips are super tight today and hurting to the point where I kind of low-key just want to end it all (but I don't actually, I just want the pain to stop for five minutes so I can actually eat enough to take the better pain meds). I can't hold anything in my right hand because it's spasming, I can't eat because I'm nauseous, I can't lay down because my muscles are screaming, I can't focus because I'm getting a migraine. At some point the pain will get bad enough that everything will just stop and I'll sleep for an hour and wake up feeling not better but okay enough to try and reset things. Waiting until that moment is the worst though.

[angelltheninth]

TWST Dorm Leaders + Happily Ever After

Pairing: Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, Vil, Idia, Malleus x Fem!Reader

Tags: fluff, married life, domestic fluff, talking about having kids, insecurity, dancing, cuddles, kissing, weddings

A/N: I haven't seen anyone write this which is odd to me, these are fairy tales, there needs to be a happily ever after.

Riddle doesn't want many eyes on you when you're married and living together. The wedding was more then enough for the amount of attention, and he almost told everyone to leave. He wants to elope and make a big home somewhere far away from others. If someone wants to see you they will need to announce themselves beforehand so they can get the approval. He hopes that your home will have a big garden where he can pick and bring you roses every day.

Leona gloats and brags for a very long time after graduation and your wedding. Most of all he brags to his relatives about how wonderful of a wife you are and tries to make them jealous, he finally has something that they don't, your love. Doesn't like it when his family around you too much because he's constantly thinking you're gonna see him as inferior. Wants to prove that he can be a good leader, and who better to lead first then his family. One that he plans to have with you. One kid, or maybe two, your own little family in a place where he is king, and you are his queen.

Azul has his own agency which leaves him a little busy at first. Luckily he has you by his side to help him out with it. You can name it however you want. He has a lot of clients and a lot of contracts but all to the benefit of the two of you, your future life. Not as sneaky as he used to be because you are his moral compass, for the most part at least. Loves to hold you in his lap while he negotiates, both of you need to sign so its only natural that he has you close by.

Kalim is really excited to make a life with you. Life at the palace can be a lot, even for him who grew up there so he tries to accommodate you the best as he can. He brings you breakfast in bed and walks with you all over the grounds, showing you secret places he used to sneak out. Now he can have company when he does so. Yeah sure, both of you will have a lot of responsibilities soon but for now you can still be a little reckless and carefree.

Vil wakes you up every morning and needs to kiss you to make sure that you're real and not a dream. He's had dreams like this, it would be very cruel that this was another one of them. Can't help but admire the ring on your finger, kissing it with such reverence and care. Has opted to make his closet bigger so you can share with him, for him that is a real sign of true love and trust. There are several sets of matching outfits in there.

Idia is shy even after you start living together after graduation. He always wakes up before you do and is already working. His headphones are off so he can hear you shifting behind him on the bed, now is the time to swoop in and give you a quick kiss before his brother comes into the room and asks the both of you to hang out with him. You find it hard to tell him you need privacy now, can't imagine how it'll be when you have kids.

Malleus feels very insecure in his ability to bring you happiness. Even years after you get together he still has slivers of doubt that shine through the happy smiles. He tries not to let to him too much. Of course he shares his doubts with you, he promised to, in sickness and in health everything in between. He will do his best to make you happy, he will mess up but with you at last he knows he doesn't need to strive for a perfect life, just a happy one.

[yuri-is-online]

Happy Holidays! I’ve been on a bit of an angst fix lately, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to brainrot in your inbox about it.

I’ve been thinking about a scenario where Yuu just finally snaps. I mean, an entire school year of being trapped in a foreign world with no certain hope of seeing your family again, being forced to contend with (at least) 7 life-or-death scenarios, the massive egos these teenage boys have, and probably at least a little bullying from the NRC students for being magicless. I mean come on, I love our boys and all, but a lot of them are kind of awful people. There’s no way a regular person’s mental health survives that.

And maybe Yuu, tired of it all, packs up what little they have and leaves. Surely their prospects couldn’t get any worse than at NRC. Maybe Yuu tries their luck at RSA in finding someone to help them go home. Maybe Yuu just wanders until they find somewhere where they can be something. Would they even leave a letter behind explaining what happened to them, or would they just assume no one would care anyway?

I just want some more Yuu angst lol

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Happy Holidays to you too annon! Everyone is welcome to brainrot in my inbox, especially about Yuu. And I do have some ｢(ｰﾍー;) but I might be a bit nicer to the NRC boys than they deserve.

notes: they/them used for Yuu, more fleshed out fic can be found on my masterlist here. SPOILERS FOR UNRELEASED CH 7 CONTENT. CW for abandonment issues, ptsd, bullying, and just general ignorance on the part of the OB boys. Heavy on the angst, this is a mega oof tm of a post.

I want to start off by saying that, in my personal opinion based off of the in game voicelines and vignettes, that the various NRC boys do like Yuu and enjoy having them around. They think of them as the same of any other freshmen student at NRC, which is sort of the problem.

The average NRC freshmen has magic, a dormitory with a housewarden responsible for "guiding" them, and a family they can fall back on if things get rough. The average student has a basic understanding of the history of the world they live in, of it's pop culture, it's food, it's clothes, and a bunch of other things that they might not think about because of how ingrained it is in their very being. Yuu has none of those things. They don't even have a cannon club which I think is more meant to allow players to have head cannons, but since we are talking angst I have wondered if since Yuu and Grim are one student, any club Yuu wanted to join would have to take Grim as well and no one wanted to deal with that. So Grim started his own "club" and Yuu just takes pictures of birthday celebrations and events they aren't able to fully participate in for the school at Crowley's request.

Ace's first reaction to Yuu is to bully them for not having magic. Deuce admits to having done the same thing as when he was a child, and is very embarrassed by it. We don't really see Yuu getting outright bullied outside of this, but given how the faceless students reacted to Deuce being excited for Starsending, yeah I think Yuu has had to deal with some bullying. And while I do think Adeuce (and the rest of Heartslabyul really) would stick up for them, it wouldn't make it stop. If anything it just gets sneakier and Yuu, not wanting to cause any problems, does their best to cover it up. Something about keeping a stiff upper lip or a smile better suiting a hero and all that.

The overblots is a whole separate issue. We get two real apologies, one from Riddle and one from Vil, who again do not take Yuu being magicless in to much thought. They think of Yuu highly! They are a housewarden of their own little dorm! And they take such good care of Grim and the others, not to mention all those overblots you survived! Not many mages can claim that but you can! What could you possibly have to be stressed about?

As if that isn't the entire problem. As if anyone understands where Yuu is coming from. As if they even would care if they did.

They might be just as capable as any other freshmen, but when school ends, hell even when it goes on a break, they have no where to go. They were stripped from their friends, family, and especially their belongings, including money and autonomy! I have some thoughts about my own Yuu wanting to be nurse in her world, but given how much of even basic medical care seems to rely on magic in Twisted Wonderland I wonder if that would even be a career path any magicless person could take. We know a lot of them work at Styx because they don't risk blot accumulation, but even cooking is done with magic (if it can be) in Twisted Wonderland! How would you feel if you had your heart set on being a doctor, worked really hard to get good grades and took up a part time job to save for college/university only to be transported to a different world with different laws of physics completely against your will. A world where all that hard work is meaningless and you might not be able to accomplish those dreams of yours. And! AND AND! If you get upset about it, that will be seen as a weakness on your part and no one will care.

Because hey, they had to work for what they have. Why can't you? They didn't ask to be born with magic (even though they would have probably) so there is no use crying about things you can't change. Ruggie and Jamil do seem to feel a bit of sympathy to Yuu's plight, but neither of them think twice about exploiting Yuu for their own gain. Sure it might be unfair, but life is in general! It's not their fault, they aren't to blame. And that's really how all of NRC sees it, they aren't to blame for Yuu's circumstances, so they aren't owed any special treatment.

How Yuu snaps and what they do because of it would really come down to how you hc your Yuu to be. My own personal thoughts come back to personal autonomy a lot; I don't think Yuu has much of it and that would grate on me constantly. I could see Yuu hearing their friends talk about their plans for the future, and though Ace and especially Deuce try to include them in the conversation they can't add much. Ace applauds them, says "we need to take things easy! We're still freshmen..." and drones on about how he just wants to enjoy school life. And maybe Yuu does too, but they have no concrete answer about whether or not they can get home. They don't have the support system that their classmates do, so there really isn't anything waiting for them after the school year ends. Yuu feels so helpless, and they don't have the words to explain how they feel, because how could they?

If Malleus's overblot ends without any real repercussions (which I doubt it will but hey, I am like 65/35 on whether or not he apologizes to Yuu specifically for almost killing them I will be so pissed if he doesn't) I could see everyone else making fun of Malleus for loosing while Yuu just. Stares off into the distance, trying really hard not to cry in front of people they are convinced will make fun of them. This has all been scary, things like this just aren't possible in their world and they aren't mentally prepared to face death again.

And they are convinced they will. You can say overblots are rare all you like, but Yuu has practically seen one once a month ever since they arrived in this world. It is normal to them, and who should they trust? The lying headmaster or their lying eyes and ears?

If Yuu decides to run away, I think that the Ramshackle ghosts might try to stop them. Sure the headmaster sucks, but your ghost buddies really love you! And want to support you in anyway they can, so does Grim! He wants to be together for the next 100 years, and while he does really want to stay at NRC so he can be the world's greatest mage... I think he might love Yuu more. Just a tiny bit. He would play it off as him being too good for the school, or that he and Yuu are only one student after all so he will be expelled... but really he wants to come with because he will be worried about Yuu.

While going to RSA does sound nice on paper, Yuu doesn't really have a reason to go there. They aren't exactly on first name basis with any of the students we've met so far, and there is always the risk of Che'nya snitching to Riddle and Trey. Better to try and find a place where they can be something and maybe send letters to all the magical academies they can get contact information for to see if they can help. And also, to see if they will accept Grim as a full student, got to make sure he isn't sacrificing his dream for nothing!

The ghosts, realizing they can't convince Yuu not to leave decide to help. They already sell things at the markets downtown, so maybe they chat with some of their clients and convince them to let Yuu rent a room for a while. You have the option in Portfest to mention you have been to Craneport before, and I like the thought of Yuu having a part time job there. Maybe the ghosts explain that Yuu has no real family to go back to and Yuu's part time employer agrees to give them a full time job while Yuu figures out where they want to go.

Another thing related to personal autonomy, Yuu wouldn't have government documents if they just got isekaid out of the blue. I could see that being a huge issue for traveling to different countries and trying to establish a life. I also wonder if Crowley even did anything about that... but assuming he did since he (allegedly) talked to the school board about what to do with Yuu I think the ghosts would get them for Yuu on the condition they still come visit sometimes.

As for the note, I think Yuu would leave one simply because they feel like they didn't have the words to explain themselves out loud. And because they don't want to face the fight they know will come where everyone tells them to just suck it up and get on with it. These are teenage boys they are dealing with, their brains just can't fully comprehend the situation Yuu is in and they have given up expecting them to.

Just so we're clear, I think this would devastate Ace and Deuce, maybe to the point of destroying their friendship, at least for a while. Ace does think about Yuu not having magic, he wants to protect them. He says so when you level him to max, that protecting you will be easy, but clearly it wasn't. Clearly he failed you, and what does Ace do when he feels bad? He takes it out on everyone else and in this case especially Deuce. Deuce just feels stupid, which he already does a lot, but he really saw you as being around for the rest of his life. And now you aren't, and not for a happy reason like you got to go home. You aren't there because they failed you.

The others are a bit of a mixed bag I could do a separate post about but to hit the other big one...

I have no real idea how Malleus would react. I can see him thinking this means Yuu is afraid of him now, which I don't think he would react well to, but assuming this is post ob then he might be willing to take responsibility for it. It would certainly make him think, but how that thought would manifest? Outside of the obvious weather changes I do not know. I could see him being slightly resentful to his mother for cursing him to be hated by humans and loved only by fae when he so desperately wanted to be loved by one specific human. They were his first real friend, and he didn't treasure them in a way they found meaningful.

idk Yuu dropping off the grid isn't something I can see Crowley letting happen, but I can see why Yuu would want to try.

[jokeroutsubs]

An interview with Bojan Cvjetićanin and Nace Jordan in Jana magazine, published 10.10.2023. Featuring a very special shoutout! 😁

On the couch with Joker Out: about the big changes in their lives

Still good, sober boys

We’ll play this and then we’re off – to switch off

The time we have with them is tightly limited, but that’s appropriate for stars of their kind. They are the most popular musical group right now, and they’ve thoroughly conquered many hearts far beyond both Slovenian and Balkan borders. At sold-out concerts, Finns are swooning because of them, Poles, Serbians, Croatians and Spaniards are fainting, not to mention the girls back home. No one prepared them for this kind of craze, but they’re holding up pretty well – they’re still humble guys with good manners, which can (also) be seen in their polite greeting and relaxed chatting in front of their rehearsal space, a comfortable hideaway somewhere between Ljubljana’s warehouses with an unappealing blue door.

Floating into their sanctuary, you almost hit your head on a collection of hanging bras with various affectionate messages written on them. A few more steps, and we plop down on the couch with Bojan Cvjetićanin and Nace Jordan. Jan Peteh and Kris Guštin (damn, he’s tall!) are busy with another camera, and Jure Maček is nowhere to be seen.

How’s your health doing with your (as it seems if you look at the crazy number of concerts all around Europe) pretty exhausting life? How do you take care of your physical fitness?

Bojan: By working out.

Nace: Well, you and I work out, the others only do it a little.

Bojan: Well yeah, she asked us.

Nace: So: we work out a lot, we play badminton, I run, we go to the gym and hike, Bojan also does mixed martial arts.

You’ve found yourselves at a turbulent stage in your career, and like you’ve said before, you cannot be fully prepared for that. What about mental preparation? Do you have to pay extra attention to that or do anything you've never done before?

Bojan: Yes, we have to rest. We haven't had any rest ever since everything became much more intense. My mind and body are now really begging to switch off.

Nace: I agree. Just the other day, we were talking about how we haven’t truly rested since the pre-Eurovision performances. Two- and three-day trips don’t count.

So you’ll only be able to turn off for a bit, after your big concert in Stožice?

Bojan: That’s right. Well, we maybe planned our break a little poorly, because we’re going on a holiday together. (both start laughing loudly)

Nace: Everyone has the same stunned reaction that you did.

You really have to love each other and have a good time together, that’s all I thought. Can you reveal where you’re going?

Bojan: Far away, somewhere warm. As to whether us going together is smart, we’ll tell you when we come back. If we end up needing another holiday after this holiday, then we didn’t make a very wise decision.

Since you really hang out with each other so much, do you perhaps understand any better why some bands get into fatal quarrels or even break up?

Bojan: We definitely understand it a lot more. In a short time, I’ve realised that this rock and roll lifestyle presented to us by rock legends (myths, stories, Hollywood) is truly something that is untenable in the long term. If we look at all the most famous bands, they actually existed for a very short time.

Nace: And, as an interesting fact, most of them broke up while on tour.

Bojan: You can’t do rock and roll and be devoted to your music, concerts, travels, if you’re constantly under the influence of any substances (drugs, alcohol). You really can’t do that, because neither the human body nor the mind are made to withstand this kind of strain, sleeplessness, pleasure, dopamine. All those legends either died young or the bands broke up. Sure, they did a lot, left a permanent mark, but at what cost? We’ve realised that if we want to enjoy what we’re doing, we have to be sober, and you truly enjoy yourself a lot more if you’re sober and feel physically and mentally ready and cultivate friendships. I think that this way, we’ll remember a lot more after a few tours than many rock legends do in their longer careers. How much can you even remember if your brain isn’t even with you on the same stage?

I see that you’re drinking plenty of water, and we remember you, Bojan, from Eurovision, when you were walking around with a bottle of water and blowing into a straw. What was that for?

Bojan: It’s a technique to warm up your vocal chords, based on the principle of blowing into a slightly wider silicone straw in a water bottle. You blow into it, in the correct way and because of the water in the bottle, a negative pressure is created that puts your vocal chords into the most natural position and it works like a massage for them.

Did you discover this for yourself or was it recommended to you?

Bojan: I had never paid special attention to my voice before that, I’m not a trained vocalist, but luckily I naturally developed the correct technique. Otherwise I would’ve lost my voice long ago. So, on the stage, this mechanism luckily developed in a very positive direction for me, which was also confirmed by singing coaches and the doctor I went to for my vocal chords check-up. A phoniatrics specialist, a wonderful guy, helped me during Eurovision. Before the Eurovision performance, my voice gave in a little due to nerves, so I was constantly in contact with a doctor – and we didn’t even really know each other – who gave me advice over the phone. Then, at the first sound check, everything opened up and sounded like it should. It’s really interesting what happens with your voice, it gets incredibly affected by your mental state. Your vocal chords can be perfectly fine, but if your mind is not in the right place, your voice won’t work either.

I also went to get advice from singing coach Nataša Nahtigal, who really helped me a lot. I especially needed that preparation from a psychological point of view.

Did the other band members also need coaches for anything?

Nace: Me and Kris also visited Nataša, because at the beginning we thought that we’d be singing the backing vocals live on the Eurovision stage. So we also practised with her a few times. We also had rehearsals with a choreographer for the optimum stage performance.

We’re having this conversation five days before your biggest concert yet, in Stožice. Does that require any special preparation?

Bojan: It’s a special concert, because it’s the first time we’re encountering the organisation of something this big; it is, after all, the only arena in the country. It’s a lot for us, Magnifico also told us that he was kind of in the dark the first time, but now they’re acclimatised to it. It’s a different type of preparation: we have to prepare the show, the lights, the stage appearance …

Have you even internalised what you’ve managed to do, all the places and the number of people you’ve played to in the past few months (from Ireland to Great Britain, Finland, Norway, Belgrade, Zagreb, Vienna, and now in December, you've got Amsterdam, Madrid, Barcelona …)?

Bojan: I think that will be a task for the upcoming holiday. When things just keep happening, you’re in this cycle and don’t even really differentiate between one peak and another, so we need to come down a bit to start retroactively comprehending what really happened. Because it’s really wonderful. We were in cities and countries we’d never been to, and then we were there – to play our own sold-out concerts. We absolutely never thought anything like that would ever happen to us.

Nace: Often it’s only when I come home from this kind of tour that I think to myself: wow, look at where we were! We’re playing on a stage where world legends had played before us! Now, in the club in Helsinki, Foo Fighters and AC/DC had played there, among others. Any musician would wish to play there, let alone sell out that concert.

When you walk around these European cities where you have sold out your concerts, do people already recognise you on the street?

Bojan: It’s pretty bizarre, but now they’ve really started to. I think that on this Nordic tour there truly wasn’t any place we went to without at least someone recognising us – either on a train, on the street, in a restaurant, at the airport. Foreign fan culture is a little different, as they get prepared to meet us, in a way – for example, they know when we’ll be at the airport, and they wait for us with gifts, they don’t just come to take photos with us. They bring along our merch shirts, various things for us to sign, they give us gifts. Fans make a lot of things on their own – bracelets, dolls, there are a lot of drawings, crafts; I have two knitted Joker Out scarves at home.

Nace: In Finland we got a lot of knitted socks, hats …

Hand-knitted socks?

Bojan: Yes, with a Slovenian and Finnish flag, for example.

The Scandinavian youth are clearly well-versed in that.

Bojan: Let’s go, Slovenian youth, start knitting Joker Out stuff too! (laughter)

And what is it like to walk down the streets of Slovenia? Can you go to the store in peace?

Bojan: It’s nice to walk down the streets of Slovenia, but we truly always get recognised, that’s a fact, it’s not as inconvenient in stores as it can be when you’re out for drinks, when you constantly feel like someone is eavesdropping next to you.

How difficult is the rockstar life?

Bojan: It’s really nice – every time we’re on the stage, the audience rewards us with a really nice energy, you can’t compare that to anything else, but like any profession, ours has negative sides as well, with the biggest difference being that you’re constantly in the public eye. Very few things are truly personal – you also have a hard time judging for yourself what’s private and what’s not. It’s more of a mental game with yourself – that’s the hardest part of it all. As well as not sleeping, because you travel a lot.

Are there any big disappointments or unexpected things – perhaps that some fans get “carried away” or that not everyone is as well-intentioned as you thought?

Bojan: Absolutely! You suddenly find yourself not only belonging to a home crowd, but also becoming an internet hashtag. The internet has no limits, people have no reservations there, they hide behind a nickname. Each of us has definitely had a few of these moments that shocked us, that’s why we’ve started to pull back from social media.

That’s probably pretty tricky: for the sake of advertising and contact with fans, you have to be present on social media, but meanwhile you’re aware that you need to take a step back for the sake of your health. How do you stay on the safe side? What’s your strategy?

Nace: Primarily, we’ve all stopped reading Twitter, the comments … We have to maintain a certain distance.

Bojan: To be completely honest, I’d like to find someone who could handle my personal profile on social media. It also bothers me that you really waste a lot of time on social media and subconsciously create a lot of unrealistic expectations, because you’re constantly swiping through people’s perfect lives, faces and situations, it’s all quite absurd.

Do you want to influence teenagers in this area, to pass any important messages on to them?

Bojan: Yes, find some wonderful analogue way to follow us and delete your social media.

So, knit a Joker Out scarf or socks instead and listen to their music – that’s pretty analogue. Then, you can also do a charity auction of your fans’ knitwear.

Bojan: Exactly!

One small revolutionary move would also be if concerts or gigs at various parties started earlier. Us slightly more mature citizens also like to go to concerts, but we also like to go to bed a little earlier.

Bojan: I can say that after our Stožice concert, people will be able to be asleep by midnight. But actually, when we were abroad, we got used to gigs starting very soon – sometime between seven and nine in the evening – and the party is definitely not any worse because of that.

You say that you’re full of creative energy. Does your creative process continue under the covers too, do you have notebooks on your nightstand?

Bojan: All the ideas come to me just before I go to sleep. The most recent song Sunny Side of London also happened on the last day before we went to the studio – I couldn’t sleep and I came up with those base lyrics while in bed.

Even though your latest song is in English, due to most of your songs being in Slovenian, you’ve unintentionally become ambassadors of the Slovenian language as well.

Bojan: It was never our goal to become ambassadors of the Slovenian language, but we consciously decided to sing in Slovenian at Eurovision. It means a lot to us, and we hope that our fans will accept that we want to widen our listener base and that there will be some more songs in English because of that. I think that people all around Europe or even further singing twenty of our songs in Slovenian is already a lot, and shows that we’ve done our job. In the future, we’ll create in foreign languages a lot, but we’ll also stay loyal to Slovenian.

A lot of your TV appearances can be found translated to English on the internet. Is that your doing?

Bojan: No, the credit for that goes to a group of fans from all around the world called “Joker Out Subs”, who follow our videos and concerts and translate into quite a few global languages (recently even into Hebrew). They’ve already translated a huge amount of our content, and they do it voluntarily. They’ve also connected with each other in that way, and they’ve told us that 20 of our fans, who met online because of us, booked a house together for our concert in Amsterdam (in December). They’re all coming to the concert and they will stay there together.

Nace: A lot of people have connected like that because of us, which is very nice.

What’s it like at home? Is everything the same at home despite your stardom?

Bojan: Yes, it’s all the same – go mow the lawn!

Nace: I, for example, still drive my grandmother around to run her errands.

And your grandmother listens to your songs?

Nace: She’s definitely listened to some, but I doubt that she’s playing our entire discography. (laughter)

Bojan: Oooh, mine plays it every day, she goes through everything 150 times!

Have you made any changes to your menus?

Bojan: I’ve started eating vegetables – bowls (various healthy ingredients, served in one bowl), Nace got me into that.

Nace: Isn’t it nice to savour something together that’s healthy and that we all like? (Kris pipes up from the background, saying that Nace has gotten them all into Asian food.)

Translation of the captions on the photos:

1) The special friendship with Finnish Eurovision representative Käärijä continues. Together on Finnish stages in September.

2) Bojan loves Swedish girls, says the writing on his shirt.

Translation cr: Joker Out Subs

EDIT: to celebrate the JokerOutSubs shout-out, we prepared a giveaway for Tumblr! You can read more aboout it here!

[unknownfacelessfanfictions]

Living Sanctuary

Hemmer x fem!reader (can be read as romantic, however is more platonic with developing feelings) Words: 2.3K Summary: She never really learned anything about his home. Until one day she did Inspired by this post from @nichestartrekkie0-0 (If fanfics not your thing, just ignore this :)) so please chek out their art it's AMAZING

A drop of sweat ran down her forehead, down her temple, down her cheek and was wiped aside by her sleeve before it could fall to the floor.

Her arms felt heavy, but she didn't dare move them for fear that the objects in them would fall to the ground and shatter. Something she could not afford, after all, Hemmer needed these things. At least she was certain there was no harm in them.

The cooling system was offline and no matter how hard the engineers tried, it wasn't getting any better. In the end, it had turned out to be a fault in the system, which could be rectified by a simple reboot.

The problem: this reboot took several hours.

Hours in which the Enterprise had become uncomfortably warm, at least by her standards. She knew from Spock that he enjoyed the temperature and Uhura also had few problems with the change.

However, apart from the fact that everyone felt temperatures differently, she knew that there was one person who would not like it at all: Hemmer.

Based on what she had heard from some of the junior engineers, Hemmer was in an even worse mood than usual, and the temperature was so bad that M'Benga had sent him to his quarters to rest for fear that the Aenar would suffer heat exhaustion. Something that would be even more fatal for Hemmer's species than for her own. M'Benga had eventually interrupted her, lying panting on the sofa, and asked her to check on the Aenar. After all, they both knew how incredibly stubborn their friend could be.

She had agreed without hesitation. Hemmer might have his rough edges, some of them deadly sharp, but he had a heart of gold and she cared for him deeply.

He was a good friend on whom she had always been able to rely, so she would not let him down now. Even if he was still unaware of his luck.

With her elbow, she managed to press the button next to his door, alerting him that someone wanted to come in. For a few moments she stood in the corridor, people walking past her and looking at her strangely, wondering if he was even there. Perhaps he had thrown caution to the wind and gone back to work?

She immediately shook her head and dismissed the idea. Hemmer might be stubborn from time to time and not listen to advice, and when he did he did so reluctantly, but he was not self-destructive.

If Doctor M'Benga told him that the work posed a risk to his health, he would follow the doctor's instructions, grumpily, but he would do it.

Hemmer didn't give her much time to think about it. The doors opened and she quickly entered to avoid standing around stupidly in the corridor any longer. Inside it was only slightly less stiflingly hot than outside, but it wasn't any hotter either, which she saw as a plus.

She looked around searchingly, but couldn't spot the engineer. "Hemmer?" Carefully setting the items down on the sofa, she decided to take off her uniform jacket.

The top underneath would have to do, otherwise she would suffer from heat exhaustion. "Are you all right? Where are you?"

There was silence for a while and she began to wonder whether the door had opened by chance and he was actually somewhere else, but at that moment Hemmer's muffled voice rang out. "I'm fine."

She wheeled round to the bathroom where his voice had come from and only now did she realise the faint sound of falling water. Of course, she silently scolded herself. When the air was too hot, water was an excellent way to cool off.

With long strides, she walked to the door and stopped so that the opening sensor could not detect her. "May I come in?"

A grunt sounded and she frowned worriedly when an approving grumble came from Hemmer.

"M'Benga asked me to come round," she explained as she stepped into the bathroom. "Besides, I was worried about you, I mean, I'm almost dying in these temperatures, I can hardly imagine that it's pleasant for-" As soon as her gaze fell on Hemmer, she faltered and stopped, stunned by the sight before her.

Hemmer seemed to have noticed, as she fell silence surprised and huffed.

"I know I know, I look like a drowned beaver, or whatever you humans call it. But it's the only way to survive this heat."

She broke out of her stupor long enough to lift the corners of her mouth in slight amusement. "It's 'you look like a drowned rat'. And, that's not what caught me by surprise."

Even if this was of course partly to blame for her sudden hesitation, after all she had never seen her friend in such a position before. He sat on the floor of the shower, clever idea the tiles were also cold, and let the cool water run down his body. Consequently, his hair clung to his face in lengthy strands, while his antennae swayed in a dance-like manner, evading the droplets in a game known only to them. But as already mentioned, it wasn't that which had left her speechless.

It was the sight of Hemmer clad in nothing more than shorts, snugly embracing his well-defined muscles, stretching just halfway up his thighs, which intensified her warmth.

This alone would have been enough to induce a blush, but something else caught her off guard. The tattoos.

Dark blue, almost black, tattoos meandered in wavy patterns across his physique, from his chest to his shoulders to his arms, down to his legs and, she surmised, down to his back. They reminded her somewhat of the traditional tattoos of the Maori or the Polynesians, indigenous peoples of Earth, but at the same time they looked completely different, like two worlds at opposite ends of the galaxy.

Hemmer cleared his throat, apparently waiting for an answer, and she squatted down in front of him to be at eye level with him. It may not have done him much good, but she felt more comfortable not having to stare down at him. "Don't take offence, but I didn't expect to find my best friend naked in his shower."

"I'm not naked," he grumbled and she grinned slightly as he tugged at his trousers like a grumpy child. "Besides, I didn't realise you had tattoos." His antennae went up for a moment before returning to their dance and Hemmer frowned. "No? I thought you knew." She laughed softly as she watched drops of water drip down his cheekbones. "How was I supposed to know? It's not like you're regularly parading around half-naked in front of me."

"Do I hear disappointment?" His voice and his grin were provocative, teasing and elicited a laugh from her. "Definitely not." Still, she couldn't ignore the tingling in her stomach, even if she tried her best.

They were silent for a few moments before Hemmer sighed and gestured for her to come closer. "I can feel the heat radiating off you. What's the point of you falling over on me here?" He did his best to sound disinterested, but she knew him well enough to know that he was genuinely worried about her.

She hesitated for a moment, but decided that modesty really wasn't appropriate at this point, and kicked off her trousers and socks so that she was squatting in front of him in her top and panties. No problem, she thought to herself and shifted her weight onto her knees.

She crawled over to him and let out a low cry of shock as the cold water hit her heated skin. It felt like tiny needles were piercing her skin and she pulled back, however Hemmer didn't seem to let that happen.

He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her towards him with such force that she bounced against him and only prevented him from headbutting her by resting her hands on his chest. Not that she would have done anything to him.

She would have been the one with the concussion.

The cold water beat down on her mercilessly. She squealed and wriggled on Hemmer's lap, only realising later that she had landed there, but he didn't allow her to escape.

"You're burning up," he murmured and pulled her a little closer to him so that her hot skin was pressed against his pleasantly cool skin. "So stop squirming or I'll tie you up."

"Kinky," she murmured as her body seemed to slowly acclimatise to the difference in temperature. "Keep it down," came the reply and she grinned softly, slowly relaxing. The water felt good.

Gradually, she felt the feeling of stifling warmth disappear and her glowing skin lowered to temperatures that seemed more bearable, judging by the fact that Hemmer was now relaxing beneath her as well, even leaning into her touch.

"Aren't I too warm for you?" He just shook his head before leaning it against the tiled wall behind him, a slight smile on his face. "It's acceptable. Besides, I know my skin is cool enough to give you relief." She snorted at his posturing, but made no move to free herself from her place on his lap.

"Actually, I came to help you with that." He chuckled softly. It was a sound that came from deep in his chest, where she was still resting her hands, deep and real, and she felt warmth spreading through her again, but this time a different kind of warmth.

"I'm used to getting used to this kind of heat. Have you ever been to California? It was just as bad." She nodded, giving in to exhaustion after a while and leaning her head against his shoulder. "You are indeed nice and cool."

Her hands wandered from his chest to his arms when something struck her and made her lift her head. "Wait, are your tattoos prominent?"

Her fingers danced over the patterns of his tattoos, eliciting a shudder from him that she didn't realise, and sure enough, she could tell that the tattoos weren't just ink poked under the skin, but actually stood out with slight bulges.

They were barely noticeable unless you were sitting half-naked on top of each other, though she guessed it was a lot easier for the heightened senses of the Aenar to detect.

"It would be strange any other way," Hemmer returned with amusement, placing a hand on hers and running it along his collarbone. "Considering we Aenar are blind." Heat rose to her face. She had actually forgotten for a moment that Hemmer himself was blind.

" They're beautiful," she murmured softly, fascinated as she continued to run her fingers tentatively over the patterns of his skin. "You are beautiful." Hemmer left it uncommented, but closed his eyes and his antennae followed her movements.

"Do they mean anything?" He nodded slightly and guided her hand to his upper right arm, where a ring wrapped around his bicep. "Every male Aenar gets a tattoo like this when he comes of age. It's a symbol that we're old enough to serve our people and contribute."

Next, he went to some lines that snaked down his neck to his shoulder blades. To reach them, she had to lean so close to him that his hot breath brushed her face. "These lines symbolise my connection to my family. Can you feel the corners where they end?" She breathed in agreement. "Each of those corners represents a member of my family." There were five in total.

Next, their hands travelled together to his thighs. "These tattoos symbolise the balance of our society, our harmony with nature. The Aenar must live in tune with their environment and learn to live with it to prevent the deadly cold from overtaking them. They humble us, in a good way, and remind us of our place in this world, this universe."

Finally, Hemmer brought her hand to his chest, where the lines formed an intricate pattern that she could not describe in words. "These represent my devotion to healing, to repairing. They are not mandatory among the Aenar, but this pattern represents our pacifist representations. They visualise my duty, my morals, my life."

He did not guide her hand further, but did not release it, so that her hands, covered by his, rested on his chest. Her gaze fell on his left forearm, which was the only part of his body, with the exception of his face, that was completely free.

"And what about here? Is there a reason why there are no tattoos here? Or is it some kind of cultural ban on having them there?" Hemmer shook his head, chuckling softly, and carefully clasped his hands with hers, causing her breath to hitch.

"It's not a cultural taboo to have tattoos there, quite the opposite. The tattoos there represent the family you have established. After the wedding, a band of blue colour is applied below the elbow, decorated with small ornaments. For each child born from this marriage, another band is added."

Fascinated, she looked at his arm and, releasing her left hand from his, ran it over his skin, where a marriage bond would probably be visible in the future. "And what if you get divorced? Are these tattoos reversible?"

 "No." Hemmer took her hand in his again and traced invisible patterns on the back of her hand. "However, divorces are very, very rare for us. We choose our partners with great care, nothing less than perfect comes into question."

She slowly raised her eyes and released her hands to continue tracing the patterns on his skin. "So, has anyone caught your eye yet?"

A hint of a smile appeared on his lips and he carefully lifted his hand to brush a wet strand of hair that was stuck to her face behind her ear, where it remained against her cheek.  "Maybe."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@bigblissandlove1

@akamitrani

@moonlightshaiku

@indignantlemur

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

October September August July June

Tío T.K. by @chicgeekgirl89

M | 6k

Another banger from writeallnight, y’all! I was so excited for this fic and it did not disappoint. This whole story is so soft and sweet, I love every single thing about it! Love this little glimpse of TK being competent and taking care of his loved ones, and Carlos’s family getting to see how well he takes care of his people. It’s so beautifully evident how much TK already means to Carlos’s family and how much they mean to TK.

Think It Over, Think It Under by @liminalmemories21

T | 13k

Six conversations TK has with one of Carlos’s sisters and one Carlos has with both of them. This was such a sweet look into Carlos’s complicated relationship with his family, and how his perceptions of his coming out are probably a lot different from his family’s. Also a really lovely outsider point of view into the Tarlos relationship, and watching Ana and Luisa grow to know and love TK not just for the adorable sweet person he is, but for how fiercely he loves and protects their Carlitos in a way that they have maybe neglected to.

Love From the Other Side by @lightningboltreader

E | 32k

Char, oh my gosh how I love this one!! Exes to lovers with only one bed!?!!? Misunderstandings! MEN CRYING!! This one’s got it all, folks. It’s a fun, funny yet angsty take on all of these tropes. Love the exploration of TK’s thought process leading up to and right after the break up, the insecurities he feels about not being good enough for anyone to stick around. And poor Carlos is just confused and mad and hot and sweaty about it. You know?

The lovely April by @ladytessa74

G | 10k

You already know I love Tessa’s Elijah universe! This one is a very soft little story about Carlos learning he needs to take care of himself in order to take care of the people he loves most. Carlos has let his fitness slip a bit in fatherhood, and his own father’s health concerns begin to creep up on him. Will he get it together so he can be the partner TK needs and the father little Elijah adores to run around with?

my beatin' heart belongs to you by bartsy

M | 9k

Really lovely look at Carlos’s anxiety after the loss of his father, and TK’s struggle to support him through it. TK is hurt at work a few months after the wedding. Carlos must come to terms with the fact that his anxieties are affecting TK and his other loved ones, and accept the fact that sometimes he needs to allow others to take care of him.

in the woods somewhere by @mooshkat

NR | 4k

This is a very sweet fic with a concept that I’ve never seen before, certainly not in this fandom. TK and Carlos are shapeshifters. TK is a playful fox who is drawn a handsome man who lives in a cabin in the woods. When TK gets caught in a trap he’s rescued by a beautiful wolf. What happens next?

Something Blue by @orchidscript

T | 10k

So cute and sweet and funny. Carlos goes to a tailor for a suit, but does he end up finding his soulmate instead? Carlos goes from wallflower, wanting to blend in at a family wedding to agreeing to wear a beautiful suit with an even more beautiful man on his arm. TK bringing Carlos color and confidence in every universe? Sign me up!

-WIPs-

Where All This Love Comes From by @carlos-in-glasses

E | 17k

Listen. Cig does not miss. Just call her DJ Khaled, because we got another one! It is banger after banger from her and, I swear, they just keep getting better. In this one, after making an alarming discovery TK attempts to have a conversation with Carlos about some concerns and opens up about his rough history with substance abuse, reflecting on a cold turkey detox, his parents’ complicated history with being there to support him and why meeting Carlos after all that trauma was hard for him to grapple with at first. Carlos reflects on his own complex relationship with his dad while attempting to find his killer.

His Royal Highness by @itsrandomnobody7

T | 7.6k

I’m really enjoying this Ever After-esque Tarlos AU! Carlos is a prince and TK is a commoner, they were childhood friends torn apart when evil Lord Billy Tyson (😝) discovered their friendship and put an end to it. Now as young adults TK is caught stealing food for his family and is sentenced to be a servant in the royal household. What will happen??

a chain reaction of countermoves by @strandnreyes

E | 23k

What a fun mystery! Set in canon, a few weeks after the fire that took the townhouse, the 126 gang takes a getaway trip to a lakeside cabin resort in hill country. Shortly after arrival Carlos notices something is off about the place. Is it his recent trauma that’s making him paranoid or is there really something sinister going on? LET’S FIND OUT! The tension is heightened by the looming breakup, and I’m loving all the winks to future canon that Jen’s weaving in to the story.

in uncertain terms by @iinryer

G | 37k

One of my favorite fics of all time updated for the first time in a year. Cue me losing my mind a little bit. I cannot tell you how much I love this fic. It’s a glorious exploration of Marjan as a character, her perception of herself and (my favorite part) her friendship with TK. Give me ALL the Marjan TK besties fics. I live for it. This is set in canon shortly after Salim breaks off their engagement. Marjan is injured at work and has a lot of down time to do some self exploration. This author really, really gets Marjan and gives us god-level characterizations all around but especially Marjan, TK & Nancy.

As always, this is not in any way a comprehensive list of all the good stuff that came out in Novrmber. This is the stuff that I was able to read and vibed with. This is a way for me to hype the stories that got me excited this month, and I encourage everybody to be intentional in reblogging fics and screaming about the stuff you’re reading and enjoying all month long. Let’s work to build this fandom into a more inclusive and encouraging place to create!

[prettygirlmjmjmj]

tips on how to sleep better

Sleep is so important, especially for students or people who have busy lives (so everyone basically). The benefits of sleep are so numerous and a good night's sleep really helps you wake up prepared for your morning routine and to accomplish the rest of your day. But, many people struggle with a sleep for a variety of reasons, making it difficult to get a full 7+ hours of sleep a night. Hopefully these tips will help, but if you continue to have difficulty sleeping and are struggling please talk to a doctor!! Difficulty sleeping can be an indicator of underlying mental/physical health issues, please take care of yourself!

making your bed sacred

Are you the kind of person who gets home and throws their stuff all on the bed before cosying up on it to eat or study or watch something? If so, you need to stop doing that. Only using your bed for sleep/bedroom activities will make your brain associate it with sleep and rest, making it easier to switch off and fall asleep. Here are some tips on how to make your bed scared:

Wash and change your bedsheets at least once a week. Clean, fresh smelling bedding will help you relax much faster than dirty, old bedding.

Try spraying your pillows before you put the pillowcases on them with a sleeping spray or lavender scent so that you relax and smell sweet.

Add blankets, pillows or whatever makes you sleep better to your bed. Make it a nice cozy place you want to spend time in to make sleep much easier.

Do not use any devices in your bed (yes this ones hard). Ever. Try to keep your bed associated with sleep and rest. If you can't sleep straight away try reading instead of using blue light before bed!

Do not sit on your bed wearing anything other than what you would to sleep in. Not even casual clothes, sleepwear or nothing. This way you know that your bed is a time for sleep not for anything else.

Try sleeping on a silk pillow case as it's much softer and cooling which could help you to fall asleep faster. It is also is much better for your skin and hair!

making your side table and room sleep-friendly

Sleeping well starts at your bed, but doesn't stop there. Making your room more sleep-friendly can be a big step in improving your overall sleep quality and help you to fall asleep faster! Here are some tips on how to make your entire room and side table (if you have one!) sleep friendly:

Remove everything distracting from your side table. Any devices or things that will distract you, move and put somewhere that is not right next to you. Try to have books, hair ties, a clock, candles etc instead, anything that will help you sleep. I personally also love some crystals nearby.

When it starts getting dark, close your curtains and make your room a little darker by turning of bright lights and putting lamps on instead. I love turning my salt lamp on to give my bedroom a pretty, pink glow!

Keep a glass or bottle of water next to your bed. Instead of having to get up to get a drink, you only have to reach over and grab one, helping you to fall back asleep and cool down faster.

Try to have some sort of shift from your room in the day and night. For example, in my room during the day my windows are often open letting air in and my bed is neatly made, whereas during the night by bed is turned down so I can get in it and my curtains and windows are shut.

Try to keep your room clean and tidy so that you don't have justifications for getting up out of bed.

Try lighting a candle before you go to bed (make sure to blow it out first!) with a comforting scent that helps you to sleep such as vanilla or lavender.

making yourself ready to sleep

None of these tips matter if you don't make sure that you're in a position where you have a good evening routine and are doing everything you can to help yourself sleep better! Taking the time to care for yourself and prioritise you is so important, so here are some tips to help you do just that:

Instead of drinking a caffeinated drink in the evening, try having a more relaxing drink like chamomile or lavender tea, hot milk with lemon and honey, matcha or ice water. This will help you relax faster and make you feel sleepier.

Try doing some yoga or stretches to help loosen your muscles and get you ready for bed.

Have designated bed clothes. Whether that is a pretty set of pyjamas (my personal favourite) or a big top, changing into clothes specially for bed will help you get into a sleepy mindset.

Avoid screens before bed for at least an hour. If you need some kind of added simulation try having a designated calm playlist for bed or read a few chapters of a book.

After you clean your teeth and do any skincare, take a moment to put anything away in your room and make sure everything is ready for the next day and make sure you have not forgotten anything. This will help you fall asleep faster, knowing that you're all ready for the next day.

In the evenings try incorporating a scented product into your bath/shower routine that relaxes you, like lavender oils or jasmine body wash, anything that relaxes you. If you wash in the morning, try using a lip balm or hand cream/body lotion instead!

Thank you for reading and good luck sleeping! All my love, mj.

[totally-not-here-for-the-smut]

So, @arcanavoid made me thinking about Lucio in their post

WELL THEN LETS TALK ABOUT LUCIO YOU BITCHES

Pleas keep in mind that I'm right now very drunk and I'm not a native speaker and the autocorrect for this phone can only do so much Also I'm in a different time zone so if you see this at, like 10 in the morning or whatever, no worries bc now is definitely night here and I also program my posts I have not a drinking problem thats why I cant hold my f-ing liquor

WELL THEN MY DEAR LUCIO and

WHY

as a person who is very close to people with serious mental illness, like i legit live with them

I THINK LUCIO'S ROUTE IS SO GREAT

Let's start with an assumption: we're all assholes. Somewhere in our life, maybe in the past, or present, or future, we are huge AH. It's not like we're evil and condemned to hell, it's just that as humans we're small, petty and miserable so we behave badly and are very selfish when big difficulties challenge us. Like, sometimes we manage to scramble enough willpower and common sense to act decently as we're afraid and suffering, but lots of times we don't and make shitty things. So here's my first point:

1. We all are a Lucio sometimes. Or often.

Like, way more than we want to admit. We're afraid, we're too full of ourselves, and we behave in petty ways. We're mean towards strangers, we feel happy in humiliating them and showing the world how better than anyone else we are. We need something bc we live in a world that doesn't grant basic human rights (food, shelter, health, safety and human connection), so we strain to get those things, sometimes at others' expenses. Then we tell ourself that those people deserved our scorn and malice because they're bad, and we tell us such lies because facing the guilt of what we've done is painful and complex.

We need to show ourselves we're better, so enjoy picking at others' mistakes without caring who they are in a whole (this is super easy on the internet). All this while low key ignoring what bad we're more or less responsible for.

And we are. Like, if you ever did buy something on sites like shein, you are actually exploiting poor people who are basically slaves. And you're keeping a blind eye on it.

But you know what? You're not evil for this. We're weak sometimes, we're tired, we have little time and really don't have the lucidity to think whether this stupid chicken breast is full of hormones and antibiotics or not. We're humans and we're small. Often we're sad, afraid and tired and we need a malicious self esteem bost.

Often, we're Lucio.

2. A flaming piece of trash can change. And doesn't need others' forgiveness to do so.

Did you notice how everyone is so eager to show of other people are wrong and bad and evil? That's because they, and we as well, need reassurance about how we're the hero of the story.

That's because we can't tolerate being the flaming piece of trash, because the the flaming piece of trash can't change and everyone hates them.

This idea is stupid.

It doesn't matter how low you fell. How many people you hurt, how many times you made the same stupid mistake or how many people deeply despise you. You still can change.

That's why is

So

Important

To have a Lucio route where it's shown he can choose to be better, no matter how deeply wrong his past deeds were.

The moment we understand this concept is the one our guilt becomes less heavy and we start being less judging of others. Granted.

This doesn't mean you're entitled to people's forgiveness - but the fact that YOU are willing to forgive yourself means that you can really change and forgive others. If some people won't forgive you, it will be fine, no need to hate them: you can always find new people to gift your better self to.

This is what happens to Lucio. Will Asra ever truly forgive him for making him and orphan and killing you? No. But this doesn't mean that Lucio will be a villain forever. He will be still able to change, become a good man and gift his goodness to the MC.

As MC says to Julian: you can always come back.

3. What it takes to change

Now, I'm in general rly humble when talking about mental health bc I'm no doctor nor therapist. But living with people who went through hell and managed to survive (and knowing people who sadly didn't), made me able to figure a couple of things. So, brace yourself. I'm about to give you the ultimate recipe of healing.

It takes two things:

Compassion and Accountability

When all is said and done, this things are the two main things it takes to change and heal. Compassion for believing you can change and deserve happiness, seeing the world through other people's eyes and accountability to motivate you into stop being a dick and owning the shit you did (so yeah, maybe you should stop blaming your parents for who you are, sry, but it doesn't serves your cause).

and there's one and only one way to get them:

Positive human connections.

That's it. When you go to the bone to it, that's how one can change, heal and survive.

It's reduced to the very bone, simple idea: the whole process is much more complicated and it's ok if you get lost in it. But at the very root, this is it.

And this is WHY Lucio's route it's so great:

MC shows compassion, because they don't recall him doing anything bad to them.

MC helps him being accountable. They doesn't shelter Lucio from his guilt, never.

MC believes in them but NEVER puts up with their shit

MC doesn't believe his lies and doesn't lie to them either. No games: they talk through everything, they're kind but firm and true.

MC helps him accept other people's scorn towards him

I love this route because it's the one where the MC is the most clever. There's a murder mistery? Let's ask the ghost of the murdered one who did it. Everyone is mad at him? Let them be. Not bc "he deserves it", but bc people are entitled to be mad at him and to their idea about him. He has troubles with his mother? Don't get between them. Listen, understand, let them unravel their shit. Ghosts are mad at him? Sit with him, but don't do his emotional weightlifting. Mc puts Lucio in front of his deeds and holds his hand as he deals with them.

Folks: THIS is how it's done irl.

4. No dumb justification & the danger of privilege

There are a lot of shows about "why villains are like this" that paint them as a poor misunderstood saint who was mistreated by their parents. Like in Once Upon a Time or the Disney Villain's Live actions. I hate that stuff because they distort the plot to make the villain a misunderstood anti heroe who was a victim all along, so he's justified.

Guess what: they're not. If you actions are evil there's no justification. No retelling of your story: you made very bad choice and were an AH and that's it.

This is what happens with Lucio: in his route his story doesn't gets to be retold. It's an honest story about how Lucio, the villain, can choose to be the better man and benefit from it. It's a story about the inherent dangers of Privilege:

Lucio's story shows how dangerous privilege can be: he wasn't hold accountable for his actions while he was alive, bc he was pretty, powerful and rich. He loses his privilege, he gets his ass kicked, he find motivations to change in his desire to be loved. I know irl folks who got to adulthood without having to face how shitty they were bc of social privilege. It literally kept them from changing, healing and be happy. So beware, folks. Your privilege might be harming you in the first place, and the day you will face who you truly are without it WILL come. The later, the worst.

So, this is why I love Lucio's route. It's relatable and helps us to find the courage to face our demons, knowing that we can change. Knowing that we can forgive ourselves and accept others' scorn. It WILL be hard, it WILL be painful, there WILL be consequences, but eventually it will be worth the hassle.

So, long live the goatman, for he can change. And so do we.

[naffeclipse]

I have the honor of being @arty-angel-things's secret Santa for the DCASS2022 event! I went a bit over the word minimum, but I had so much fun with this fic. It was a wonderful challenge to craft the prompt from your list of likes such as Mermaid AUs and Sun taking care of Y/N and helping them improve as a person! I did my best to incorporate several elements together and include Moon scaring Reader, of course, but nonetheless helping Y/N to become better as well!

I hope you like it!

Mayday In Paradise

FNAF Mermaid!Sun/Moon x Reader (SFW)

You can also read this fic on AO3!

Word Count: ~5,700 Warnings: Light Angst

~

You have no idea what you’re doing here, but you’re supposed to have fun. At least, that’s what Vanessa expects you to do. In truth, you’re growing wearier by the second.

The beach house is flawless, and it’s all yours for 14 days. You just flew in yesterday. As gorgeous as the tropical island, white-sand shore is, which is only a hop, skip, and a jump from the back porch of the rental you’re staying in, you’re getting trapped in your thoughts. 

There’s a reason you never used your vacation days.

The company you worked for, Fazbear Entertainment, mandated that you use your vacation time by the end of the year or disciplinary action was going to be taken, as apparently, the government was breathing down their necks about their employee health and safety. When you bemoaned to Vanessa, your coworker, that you were going to be forced out of work for two weeks, she agreed, much to your dismay, that you needed the time off. She’s the one who suggested spending your Christmas somewhere down south where the weather is always warm and mild and the crystal clear, salt water is a mere stroll away. 

“You need to do something nice for yourself,” she had said, smiling as you both hunched over her laptop during your lunch break, staring at house rentals and exotic locations.

You kneel on the edge of the wet sand, just where the tide laps up gently and brushes against your knees. The late morning sun is already blazing down on your shoulders where you had rubbed a great deal of sunscreen on as you really haven’t spent a great deal of time outside and fear how sensitive your skin will be. A tank top and shorts are proper beach attire, you think. You wear a nice little sunhat, too. Gazing out over the ocean, you touch the small canoe sitting on the shore. The boat was in the small shed tucked beside the garage of the rental, and the renter said everything was for your use, at your pleasure. Paddling around in the water is something fun, right? 

It should be, but the longer you stay still, the more you drop into darker thoughts of leaving this beautiful place where time doesn’t grit between your teeth and the air is light and salty and you think you might enjoy yourself here.

You don’t want to get attached. You can’t. This isn’t your life. You have to go back to your empty apartment and wake up early in the cold to make it to work on time so you can talk to your only friend, Vanessa, and rinse and repeat until…

Until you die.

What a life you lead.

You groan quietly and bow your head, covering your face and incidentally brushing wet sand on your forehead. You don’t like to think and ponder about how pathetic your existence is. If you disappeared, only Vanessa would notice, but even then, you suspect she’ll move on because she has friends and family, and you are hardly a second thought, if that, in people’s lives.

This is why you keep up with the daily grind. This is why you work yourself to the bone so that when you go to bed at night, you have no choice but to sleep and not dwell on what is hopeless.

A bird chirps somewhere off in the palm trees, drawing you out of your internal collapse and allowing you to breathe in deeply. The waves gently wash up on shore. The horizon is endless and blue. What are you doing? You need to try to make the most of this before it ends and you’ve wasted it like you tend to waste other things.

Taking a hold of the canoe, you push it into the water, grunting with effort until it buoys. Your feet slip into the ocean. The warm, even temperature soaks your legs. Oh. You should probably get a life jacket on, but when you look back to shore and the empty beach house you’re going to sleep in for 13 more nights, you decide that you know how to swim. Not well, but you know how to. Climbing inside the little boat and setting off, you pick up the paddle laying at the bottom and begin heavy, slow strokes to sail through the small, peaceful slice of this paradise you’re intruding upon. 

A peaceful rhythm begins as you paddle. The ocean is surreal—a rich teal color, sometimes cyan blue where it’s really shallow. You do your best to stay clear of a sandbar. 

Something flashes just underneath the surface a little ways off from your canoe, a fin of some kind of fish. You can hardly see through the glare of the light reflecting off of the still surface, but then there’s another small splash—something frilled and yellow—but gone the next moment. Leaning forward, almost over the edge of the boat, you strain to pick up whatever was just underneath the surface.

A small bump and a loud scrap hit below the canoe. Your paddle hits something hard, not sand, but something unforgiving. Quickly, you push back and free the boat from whatever it hit, hoping with a cringe that it didn't scratch the paint on the canoe. You should have paid attention to where you’re going. The sandbar stretches a little longer than you had thought and you push around it to head further out to sea.

You paddle farther away, until the shore and the beach house blur into a thin line in the distance. Isolation is easy to find when the surface is calm. You inhale, and your chest feels much lighter than it had been earlier. The gloom that had clouded over your head slowly breaks apart and dissipates.

For a wild, frantic moment, you want to sail over the horizon and never come back. That mystical, other side would take you far away from the mundane and the trite, where you don’t feel so empty and worthless. You paddle harder. The minutes slip by, the heat soaks into your skin as you sweat slightly, and the shade offered by your sunhat barely keeps you cool. 

Breathlessly, you stop. You’re farther away from shore, but no closer to where the sky meets the water. Laying the paddle down over your legs, you look across the ocean, as if it cares you're here, as if you’re even one ripple in its vastness. Your heart aches.

You wiggle your toes against the sensation of water. Though it’s warm, it’s cooler than the sun beating down on you.

Wait a minute.

You jerk your head down to find a steadily rising level of ocean seeping into the bottom of the canoe. Freezing in place, you stare as it slips higher, reaching your ankle. Then reality hits you as the canoe sinks deeper into the ocean, far more than it should.

Slowly, knowing that you’re not going to like what you see, you turn back to find shore a very, very long distance away. You’re far. Way too far for someone in just a canoe, not to mention one taking on water. 

Uh oh.

You jump to your feet but almost fall overboard as the canoe titters dangerously. The paddle slips from your lap and lands into the wet bottom. Searching frantically, you drag your hands through the leaking canoe and rake your palms over every side, hoping for something, anything, to aid in dealing with this mess. You come up empty, though you do find a small, worn hole in the front of the canoe. Flashing back to that horrible scrap on the sandbar, you realize that this is your fault.

You didn’t bring anything with you—not a life vest, and your mouth grows drier by the second as you stand helplessly in the unstable boat as the surface level climbs up your shins.

You idiot. You stupid idiot.

In a last-ditch effort, you rip the paddle out of the water as the canoe begins to tip in the back, sinking dangerously further into the ocean, and paddle frantically. The boat is slow, struggling to move with the added load. Every shove you give is heavier than the last. There is no more buoyancy.

You drop the paddle and it slips overboard while you scramble forward, away from the devouring wave that’s starting to rush against your thighs. Panic sends your pulse upwards as you cling to the tip of the canoe as it angles slightly higher and the end sinks deeper. In the corner of your vision, something flashes through the water, red and swift. 

Oh no. No, no, no. Was that a shark? They’re in these waters, you know they are, and you grow sick at the thought of being torn apart by layers of sharp teeth. Fear bleeds into you, sending your heart racing as you hold tight to the bow of your quickly sinking vessel.

Somehow, you didn’t see yourself becoming food for whatever native animals roam the waters around your vacation getaway. That’s so sad, honestly. You make a strangled noise, like a laugh that wants to be sob, but you can’t help it as terror takes hold. Vanessa might feel bad about suggesting you go here, but it’s not her fault. It’s your fault. If you weren’t so pathetic and lonely and just, not you, you wouldn’t be here, sinking.

The water crashes against your hips. Half of the canoe is submerged, tilting to a sharper degree as you whimper and look back to the thin line on the horizon that’s supposed to be land. You mentally balk. You have to swim. You don’t know how but you have to try and make it back to shore with whatever you just saw in the water.

The sinking feeling in your middle matches the finality of the canoe.

You close your eyes and inhale sharply, internally bracing yourself. Before you can unhook your hands from around the bow, something splashes close beside you.

When you open your eyes, looking over the end of the canoe, you’re met with an aqua-blue gaze, the color almost disappearing into the liquid hue lapping at the creature’s face. Bright yellow frills adorn his head in a way that reminds you of the rays that beam off of the sun.

You gasp as he blinks, then rises higher above the surface, revealing a grinning jaw full of razor-sharp teeth. The strange fish’s round and flat face tilt, the pale yellow color of its scales running down a slender neck adorned with red fins like a ruffle collar. Your arms lock around the canoe as you stare back. He slowly opens his deadly mouth; your mind screams at you to get away.

“You look like you’re in trouble, friend,” the fish cheerfully remarks.

You sputter, blinking rapidly, before registering that the water is overtaking the last of your precious floatation device. Scrambling, you furiously crawl on top of the very edge of the canoe before it, too, sinks.

“Get away!” you shriek, wishing you still had your paddle. You could have used it to wack that, that—whatever it is, back!

The fish-man thing slips away slightly, concerned but cringing at your piercing volume. He levels a soft gaze on you amid your fumbling panic. 

Officially, the boat falls entirely underwater. You’re standing up, but your platform is taking you deeper. With no other choice, you kick off of it as much as you can to get a small leap through the water and away from that thing that’s smiling with way too many teeth.

You sputter as salt and liquid hit your face. Struggling, you kick and push your arms, splashing wildly. The fact that you’re a weak swimmer only pushes your frantic movements harder, and then something snags your foot, sharp points digging into your skin. You barely have a moment to inhale before something drags you under.

Through the burn of salt, you look down as your heart climbs into your throat. Glowing red eyes stare up at you from where the depth darkens the water and reveals another fish-man. A dark blue hand is wrapped around your ankle. This one is silvery and dark in the face, like a crescent moon hanging in the night sky. He bears a smile no less wide than the other one, and somehow, even sharper as he holds you in place just below the surface. Instead of frills, it has a thick, midnight blue appendage that reminds you of a nightcap trailing off of the back of his head, ending with a small, glowing bulb, much like an angler fish’s lure. His body is long and sleek, a darker color but his tail is dotted with designs in his scales, like stars. The sharp tips of his fins remind you of a shark.

A breath escapes you in a scream, swallowed by the sea in a burst of bubbles. You start thrashing wildly. The creature hisses and snatches your other ankle before pulling you deeper. You’re whipped downwards, forced to confront his terrifying grin. You freeze. The fish man looms in the water above you as his grip shifts to grab you tightly by the waist, reminding you how incredibly small and useless you are in the water. Red eyes paralyze you.

“Stop it,” he warns in a low, whispery voice, carried seamlessly through the water. “Be good, or else.”

Your wide gaze stings from the salt but you can’t look away, waiting for the creature to decide that it’s already reached ‘or else’ and take a bite out of you. A fire begins eating up your lungs. There is no more air left in you and the ocean is becoming darker by the moment.

Arms wrap around you, underneath your armpits, from behind. You jolt as your back is pulled flushed against a solid chest. The moon face creature narrows his eyes, irritated as if the fun was cut short.

“Moon, the poor thing needs air,” reminds a buoyant, chasting voice behind you before the other one releases your waist. In one flip of a tail, the yellow fish man lifts you to the surface.

Your head breaks through the water and you inhale sharply, choking several times before settling enough to register that a mysterious sea monster is still, very much, holding you tightly around your chest. Large hands, pale yellow, and arms lined with small red flowing fins on the outside that stop at the elbow, lower to your waist. Claws dig slightly into the fabric of your tank top.

Deeply breathing, you press your hands over the arms holding you in place above the water and sputter, “Don’t eat me!”

“Oh, we’re not going to eat you!” the voice behind you chimes pleasantly. “We’re not hungry.”

You tense. Panic flows once more through your veins but you’re distracted by the other fish man—merman, that’s the word you’ve been looking for—sliding up in front of you. He doesn’t break entirely through the surface, his mouth hidden beneath the slow ripples you’ve thrown out in your half-halted squirming. His red eyes bore into you, predator-like. You stiffen.

“Let me go,” you say quietly as you attempt to pry the sunny merman’s arms off of you, “Right now.”

“And let you sink again?” the merman behind you clicks his tongue disapprovingly. The dark blue one grabs your wrists with a small splash, forcing you to stop. Not that you actually got the yellow, scaly arms to budge. “Friend, you don’t seem to understand the danger you’re in.”

No, you’re well aware of the fact that two mystical and terrifying mermen are holding you captive right now, and that at their leisure, they could drag you under to drown or start tearing you apart. The water is dangerous because you are in it with them.

The blue merman rises higher out of the water, and immediately, you’re trapped in his shadow. His teeth flash in the light. When he tilts his face, the thing at the back of his head drapes over his shoulder.

“You think you can make it that far?” amusement fills his rasp.

You whimper as he slowly flexes his grip around your wrists before easing up slightly. You kick out once and hit something solid that you can barely make out in the water, something yellow and red striped that then jerks slightly. You’re pretty sure you hit the one holding you. Your thought is confirmed when the arms around your waist tighten.

“Be nice,” the yellow one’s voice lowers, becoming slightly darker, and you don’t miss the warning. His tone alone freezes you in place. “You need to mind your manners so we can keep helping you.”

“Help… me?” you breathe out. You tug on the silver and dark face merman’s grip, but he doesn’t budge.

“Get back to shore,” he says, his starry ‘hat’ glistening wet.

You glance momentarily around, back at the sun-like merman and back to the more moon-esque one.

“Why?” The word slips out of your mouth before you consider, maybe, not questioning the two sea creatures holding your life in their hands, and thus causing them to change their minds.

Two pairs of eyes, one red, one blue, fall on you. It’s very hard to swallow suddenly.

“You looked like you were having a bad day, friend,” the sunny one says simply. “There’s no need to let it get any worse!”

“We’re not hungry,” the moon fish says, echoing the sunny one’s words from earlier. Your face falls in horror before he snickers. You grow still as he turns over your hands and works your fingers open, unfurling your fists. Is he messing with you? Does he find it funny to scare you? You can only stare and wonder as he slides his hands over your palm to loosen the tension in the lines.

“O-okay.” Your fingers tremble until he finally releases your hands. In a smooth descent, he sinks below the water, red eyes still watching, ominously close.

“That’s much better, sunshine. Hold on, it’s a long way for you,” the one behind you says, very closely, and you glance over your shoulder to see his ever-sharp smile grow in excitement.

“Wait!” A spark of anxiety hits your chest, fearing the merman holding you is about to go under, too, but your outburst is silenced as he hikes you up, pulling you tighter against his chest as he falls onto his back. Water splashes over your arms and your legs. A small noise of fright escapes your throat before you inhale sharply, holding the precious air in your lungs. You flail for half a moment before registering the stern but gentle reprimand from the yellow merman. Holding still, you’re acutely aware of the water lapping at the edges of your body as he swims steadily with flicks of his tail, keeping you above the surface. The sky overhead is a perfect, crystal blue.

Tentatively, you exhale. A blazing heat not due to the sun setting over your face. It’s strange and almost intimate how he holds you so securely to him, and it immediately reminds you of those cute videos of mother otters holding their young on their bellies. Except, it’s you, and you’re clutched by a merman. 

You’re lying on top of his body. When you glance down, you realize his tail is brightly striped in scarlet and yellow, with flowing, translucent red fins outlining his sides and expanding into a beautiful, full tailfin of the same colors.

“Stay right there. Don’t move, friend! It’s so much easier when you listen to us, isn’t it?” he hums encouragingly.

Slowly, slowly, you give in to this wild turn of events with a stark air of incredulousness. Your head reclines against a bony ridge on the merman—a slender collarbone, you think. Underneath your feet, the rhythmic motions of a tail working through the water become a familiar motion.

“You’re really taking me back to shore?” you ask dumbly. You're not even sure if you’re still alive or maybe this is an odd dream, something your sun-fried brain cooked up to give you a boost of serotonin, but that doesn’t fit right either. You can’t remember the last time you had a pleasant dream.

The merman’s short chuckle rumbles underneath your back. 

“Yes,” the arms around you press a little tighter, “and I must insist that whatever destination you had in mind out on the ocean wait until you learn to not sink your boat.”

“I didn’t have a destination,” you mumble, embarrassed at his slight jab at your obvious mistake. Quietly, you berate yourself for your foolishness.

“You looked very determined to get somewhere , friend,” he says, voice lowering slightly as if pondering the idea of you lying to him.

Were he and the other one watching you from underneath the water? You guess that’s possible, but that doesn’t explain why he’d care to. You’re nothing special. The only eye-catching skill you’ve flaunted so far is being hilariously bad at being aware of your surroundings until it’s too late.

His claws dig deeper into your sides and you realize he’s expecting an answer, one you scramble for before blurting out, “I was getting away!”

“Away?” You can hear the frown in his voice, but you can’t picture his grinning maw turning upside down, so you try to peek up at him. “Away from what?”

You only manage to get a look past his shoulder into the water. The glimpse reveals a dark shape keeping up with the sunny merman’s steady swim, glowing faintly with a yellow hue in small patches. Looking back to the sky, you desperately hope the moon merman doesn’t get hungry anytime soon. You cling a little tighter to the arms holding you above water.

“I don’t know,” you confess. It’s a pathetic answer, and you know it wouldn’t be accepted by anyone, much less a merman who’s the only thing keeping you from a watery grave. You feel a small brush of something wet and solid on the top of your head—one of the yellow frills, maybe, framing his head.

The small motion unlocks your mouth with a watery key of fear, and you gush, “I don’t want to be here! But I don’t want to go back to my empty apartment and I don’t want to go back to work but it doesn’t matter where I go because it’s always me. I can’t get away from me and my stupid face and the stupid things I do!”

You exhale and your chest is tight, crushing your lungs. One hand lifts from around your middle, and you start. The claw digits take a hold of your chin and push your head up, up, until your eyes are tilting all the way back and you behold the merman sitting up slightly from the water, his face upside down in your vision.

“Be nice,” he warns softly. Water drips off of his fins as his aqua-blue eyes emphasize his point.

You can’t gulp at the angle you're pushed in, but when he lets go of your jaw, resuming his hold on your torso, you swallow dryly. 

“I… I wasn’t being mean to you,” you give meekly. You immediately cringe, and desperately wish you would have just left it be.

“Be nice to yourself,” he soothes. Another brush of something wet and slippery against your hair gives you pause like he’s pressing his cheek against the crown of your head. This time, salt water trails down the side of your face before the touch lifts away. The merman flicks his tail once more with you in his arms.

Oh.

You turn your head to the side. Gazing out across the teal ocean, you pretend to not notice the dark shadow following just below you and the merman. You’re not sure what all of this means—if there’s some grand point, but it feels better. Not great, not peachy, but you’re definitely not thinking about what you were thinking about this morning.

That's a slight improvement. If only you could confirm whether or not the scary sea creatures were going to eat you or not. That would be the final factor in determining how well you’re doing right about now.

By the time your skin starts to burn since the sunscreen has long since washed away, the merman, who you’ve started mentally referring to as Sun, if only because he called the other one Moon, slows down gradually. You tense. The water is shallow here, the sand just a few feet below the crystal teal water, but you’re not ready to believe that it’s as simple as the merman said. 

Claws around your middle flex as he gently says, “The shore is right here, sunshine.”

You’re not sure why he’s calling you that, or how it can cause so many flutters in your stomach, but slowly, he slides you off of him. You start to scramble for a handhold, fearing that even at this depth, which you’re not even sure you can touch the bottom, the mermen could drown you or easily enjoy a human meal. Quickly, before your panic can increase tenfold, you’re eased into another pair of arms. These are deep blue and silver, and you immediately cling to the wet shoulders of the other merman. Moon. 

You look up and immediately suck in a quick breath at his sharp smile. He cranks his neck down, eyeing you closely before his red gaze narrows. Half a sensible thought reminds you to not struggle despite how hard your heart pounds. He might still eat you.

“Land,” he says in his low, whispery tone. Turning your head slowly, you find the white-sand shore and your beach house, sitting patiently. It’s only a few strokes away. Gradually, you turn to face him again, hyper-aware of his intense grip on your waist. The water laps at your neck but he’s all that keeps you afloat, and you still hold desperately to his frame. 

The other one, Sun, sweeps around you. The smooth sensation of flourishing fins brushes against your calf as he eases to your side. Moon shifts slightly, angling you enough that they both face you. Your eyes dart between the mermen. Parched, and struggling with a dry mouth, you swallow roughly. Two pairs of magical and impossible eyes watch you. The ocean ripples with all three of you floating close together.

“Thank you,” you speak carefully as Sun had warned you before to mind your manners. “Thank you both for helping me.”

“You're welcome,” they speak in unison, one chipper and one low but not so spooky. Softer, even.

“Can I…” you hesitate as Moon’s hands dig slightly into your hips, but you’re not sure what else can be done. Either they eat you, or they let you go. Your heart skips a beat. “Can I swim to shore, now?”

The sea creatures share a glance, teeth always bared in a sharp grin, but the yellow one looks a tad discontent, unsatisfied. Nodding his head silently, the blue merman seems to be answering an unspoken question between them, but you’re not sure what. Are they agreeing to take a bite out of you? Your hands clench on Moon’s slick shoulders. Anxiety spikes in your pulse.

“Of course,” Sun says, tilting his head and dripping salt water off of his frills, “but first, what’s your name?”

You stare for a few moments too long. It would be considered rude if you weren’t certain your jaw was slack and your eyes wide in disbelief. At least, they appear to believe your genuineness. Sun’s eyes crinkle with worry and Moon parts his jaws slightly, revealing just how deadly the entirety of his mouth is.

“Your name,” Moon repeats tersely. 

It sputters out of your mouth. The fact that it’s yours and they want to know it causes you to flinch internally. It’s nothing. It’s just your name.

The flow of water being pushed below gives away how Sun flicks his fins, pleased. Moon tilts his head as if chewing on the letters before deciding it’s good enough. You look to Sun, still wondering if the heat has baked your brain or if maybe this is a weird version of heaven or hell. His aqua-blue gaze softens.

He lifts a hand, claws dripping wet. You start to lean back but Moon’s grip tightens and you’re held in place as the yellow merman brushes a wet strand of hair away from your face, over your forehead.

“Let’s not repeat this little accident,” he says, the rebuke clear in his tone but he chuckles lightly.

“A-alright.” You nod once.

Moon pulls you close and your foot brushes against a sleek fin far below. His tail. He bares his teeth but mirth glows in the crimson of his gaze.

“Be good.” His hands rise from your side and cup your face. Firmly confined, you quickly grab tight to his wrists as he stares directly into you, not through you, but straight into your core. As if he refuses to let you not be aware of his intensity.

“I-I will,” you promise weakly.

“No,” he murmurs and taps a claw against your bottom lip. “ Be good .”

You glance down reflectively, but you can’t see much but the sensation of wet, sleek palms holding you above water.

“To you?” you try in your confusion.

“To you .” He emphasizes and taps once more, this time dropping to your chin. You resist the urge to lick your lips, well aware of how salty and dry they will taste.

Oh. Oh.

Maybe the world has gone mad. Maybe you’ve finally snapped and this is what fantasy your mind has driven you to.

You still don’t have an answer as Moon starts to push you backward. The water flows gently around you as Sun easily keeps with the leisure speed as if they’re both dragging out this time. You flick your eyes between them, then the first brush of sand hits the back of your heel, and you jerk slightly. Moon begins to release you, but you panic. 

This—whatever this is, is about to end. This bizarre and mystical encounter with creatures that should not exist. How can you return to the mundane now? It’s as if you’ve been kept in the dark and have finally emerged into the world, only to be blinded by the light. 

You don’t even know what they call themselves!

You let go of one of Moon’s wrists to snag Sun’s arm, touching the red fins floating off of his limb, who startles. Moon eyes flash in surprise and then something unreadable as you cling to him tightly.

“What are your names?” you gasp, barely standing on your tiptoes and keeping your mouth and nose from falling under. Without Moon’s support, you’re only just keeping your head above the surface.

They both stare at you. It would be all too easy for them to break your grip or even drag you under and back out to sea to drown, but they stay, watching your desperate attempts to keep them long enough to give them proper names.

“Moon,” he says, just as the yellow merman called him. He twists out of your grasp but snatches your wrist before your mouth falls under, relieving you of your pathetic struggle as he easily supports you.

“I’m Sun,” the other one gives gently—just as you thought! He, too, frees himself of your distress-fueled hold and instead pulls you closer, cupping your elbow so that you’re lifted on both sides, floating between the two. “You should rest away from the water for a while, sunshine”

“Okay, okay,” you breathe out. There are a million more things you want to ask but they push you backward until your feet scrap against the sand. They slip back, fins flicking underneath the surface. Their touch leaves you, and quickly, you become cold. 

Moon ducks slightly, his mouth sinking below the waterline but his glowing red eyes stay on you as you quickly work your way backward. Until, finally, you’re standing in waist-deep water. Floating higher in the water, Sun watches you. He tilts his head, eyes upturned with quiet amusement as you trip over your own feet. Splashing, you catch yourself, surprisingly. You look back and the pair have drifted deeper, though you stay in the shallows, fingers clenching and grasping.

Moon sinks under first, then Sun, but you swear you can feel eyes on you as you stare out over the ocean. The heat of the day tilts. Orange begins burning at the edge of the horizon. You’re in desperate need of a drink and need to lie down. 

Be good.

You pull yourself out of the ocean and stumble onto the shore, dragging your feet. Exhaustion slams into you as adrenaline and the need to survive wane. Something cold is left in its wake.

What did you stumble upon? Or rather, what did you sink into? You’re not that lucky to suddenly be confronted by magical creatures, much less helpful ones—even if they are very, very intimidating. Why your name? Why did they ask about your name? Why do they care to know? You’re no one. You don’t think anyone would have noticed you had drowned except for Vanessa, and even then—

Be nice.

You look back out over the water. A chill rolls over your skin and you hug yourself, realizing your sunhat is long gone. It must have gone under with the boat amid your panic.

Okay. Okay.

You slowly take yourself to the back porch of your beach house and wonder, how exactly, you’re meant to exist with the knowledge that mermen exist. Maybe if you could see them again, you could discover a way to cope with this new reality.

A soft blossom of warmth fills your chest.

Be good. Be nice.

You’ll do just that.

[burninglights]

seeing some of you getting snotty about people not having first aid kits & first aid training without advising people on what they should have/what they should know is doing my nut in. without further ado:

First Aid Kits (what should be in yours)

If you’re going to uni/moving out of home, you really ought to have a first aid kit. Small first aid kits are fairly inexpensive and come with basic first aid supplies.

Included in my first aid kit is:

1 card of paracetamol tablets

1 card of ibuprofen tablets

A length of gauze bandage

1 tube of topical antiseptic (I use Savlon or Germolene)

1 tube arnica/bruise cream

30x plasters, assorted sizes

5x long strip plasters

10x antiseptic wipes

3x individually sealed small sterile gauze pads (7cm x 7.5cm)

4 sterile small adhesive dressings (7cm x 5.3cm)

it’s a good idea to also have an emergency card in your first aid kit, with the contact details for your next of kin and any health conditions written on it. They usually come as part of first aid kits anyway, and have a little clear plastic pocket to keep them in.

Also, remember to replenish whatever you use from your kit, and to keep an eye on expiration dates of medications/ointments.

Medication management

If you’re on medication long term (antipsychotics, antidepressants, statins, anticonvulsants, immunosuppressants, insulin etc.) you should have a two week overlap period; where possible, you should order a refill of your medication two weeks before your current supply runs out, so that if there are supply issues, you’re not going to be left hanging.

I’m aware this might not be possible for Americans owing to insurance and reassessment (I’m UK based, and just have to refill by filling out a form available in my GP’s office) and for those on controlled medications (opiates, methadone treatment for addiction, ADHD meds etc).

If you have medication that only requires use in emergent circumstances (ie. an EpiPen or an asthma inhaler), keep track of the expiration dates, and order a refill of your medication ahead of time. Better to have an extra inhaler knocking about for a couple of weeks than to really need one and not have it.

First Aid for Dummies & How to Get First Aid Training

Aif you’re ‘fresh out the womb’ new to first aid, or live somewhere where medical care is inaccessible, I highly recommend Where There Is No Doctor by David Werner and Carol Thuman, which gives step by step guides from scratches, scrapes and rashes up to emergent wound care. It’s not an exaggeration to say that that book kept me and my siblings alive for the first few years of our existencewhen we lived on the edge of the Kalahari 120 miles from the nearest hospital.

few bits and pieces of first aid I’ve picked up, both from training and being the world’s clumsiest son of a bitch:

Z-wrapping for wrists and ankles, especially if you’re prone to sprains. I don’t know how to explain this in a coherent way, so I’ve linked a video of how to do it.

For deep cuts or wounds that bleed a lot, you need to apply pressure and elevate the injury above the heart. It takes a nearly comically small amount of blood loss to become life threatening (blood loss equivalent to half a coke can is considered life threatening in adults) - if the blood is bright red, spurting/gushing, and the blood loss is uncontrolled, or if you have a clotting condition like haemophilia, you need to get to an urgent care centre yesterday. Call 999/911, maintain hard pressure over the wound, and keep the person calm and talking.

If someone has been stabbed an the knife is still in situ, for the love of God do not pull out the knife, or let them pull out the knife. It’s impossible to know what’s been hit without imaging, the knife acts as a seal in the wound; haemorrhage or massive internal injury are not situations you want to be dealing with outside of an acute trauma care setting. Call 999/911 immediately, and keep the injured person calm.

Learn how to recognise the signs of overdose. I went to a Midlands uni that had a reputation as a party uni, and hearing through the grapevine about ODs on nights out wasn’t uncommon. Narcan/Naloxone is a controlled substance in the UK so can’t be bought OTC, but I know it’s available to buy OTC in some parts of America and Canada. If you can, please consider carrying naloxone. If you witness an OD, call 999/911 immediately, and try to keep the person alert. If you have it, administer Narcan.

Don’t fuck with sepsis or meningitis. These diseases move fast, and can turn you into a past participle in as little as 12 hours. Get your MenACWY vaccine, know the symptoms, and call 999/911 immediately if you have the symptoms, especially if there’s been an outbreak in your area or you’ve had close contact with someone who is infected.

If you get bitten by a wild animal, (fox, bat, dog, raccoon…whatever) flushing the wound with water and then getting to A&E needs to become your number one priority. Tetanus, rabies and capnocytophaga infection are no joke: you need boosters/antibodies and antibiotics as a matter of urgency.

Finally, don’t be a hero. You are not John Wick. If someone is injured in an actively dangerous location or situation, the only thing you ought to do is call 999.

You really and truly don’t need to be able to pull a Hawkeye Pierce; the whole point of first aid is that it’s the first line of aid, and gets you to A&E or Minor Injuries so that you can receive professional medical attention.

That said, having a first aid training is incredibly valuable, both because you never know when some fuck shit is about to happen, and because by law most workplaces are supposed to have at least one first aider on staff, so it gives your CV an edge.

In the UK, the St. John Ambulance Trust offers workplace first aid certification, annual refreshers, sports first aid training, AED use & CPR certification and mental health first aid training.

You can also get personal first aid training for adults, children and babies with the British Red Cross for the cost of £37.50, as well as certified workplace first aid certification from £165.

The British Heart Foundation offer CPR training for free via their RevivR program; it takes 15 minutes, and can be used for workplace certification.

[coyoteprince]

Hi! If I may, this is not about Widderwood, but the way you talked about witchcraft in a recent answer, "Real world witchcraft is literally just moving with intention and cause & effect" and "it helps with being delibreate with my life": seems quite interesting, but would you care to elaborate, if you wish and have time? Or is there a previous post here or somewhere else where you already talked about your view on witch spirituality? Sorry if I bother, obviously you're free to not answer and ignore this message if it's too personal or annoying. Thank you for sharing your art and world!

Yeah I'll try to explain. Unfortunately when people hear magic or witchcraft they of the media fantasy version of witchcraft or whatever when that's not what it is at all. It's just like any religion in that it focuses on cultivating life morals, cause & effect (praying to a God for blessings is similar!), and can be utilized by less than great people for power and control over others.

Witchcraft varies greatly by culture and even the person, but I can only speak from European centric stuff and my own practice. For background, I've followed my own path since I was around 12 with no guidance from others.

Spells work by focusing intention. You want x, so you create a small ritual that helps to focus on the task and what you really want and how to get to that point, like any goal setting. Often rituals are repeated for greater power to achieve a result- just like a habit. Spiritually speaking, the reasoning is often considered that everything has an energy, and this energy can be manipulated, or that there are God(s) at work. Psychology speaking, these rituals simply help you realize what you actually want to work toward and give you the gumption to go for it. For both, it's commonly believed that spells won't work unless you put in the actual, real effort to work toward a goal- and that is part of the magic. It is the act of creation. And failure is just as likely, especially if you don't plan for it or are unrealistic. You can't make someone love you or win 1 mil, but you do have the power to be kind to others and better your finances by education or similar opportunities... and even if you fail anyway, there is always something you learn from it. You just have to be intentional.

I fully believe you don't have to believe in God's or ghosts or anything to do witchcraft. The fact it works to better our lives- even if it really is just in our brains at the end of the day- is enough. And just like how people has historically leaned on a Christian God to get through times of hardship- that's what I use it for. To better myself, to realize what I want to work toward in life, and to make a conscious effort toward it. It isn't a replacement for professional help, but the addition of witchcraft has significantly helped me in my own mental health, continued betterment as a person, and appreciate living.

Tarot cards are similar. They assume fortune telling = fate, which imo is wrong. Some people think theyre demonic, some think theyre "stupid" because of the connection to spirituality, and some people consider them too serious and scary, but like all tools you have to use them right, and by God do they work when you do! Tarot cards are absolutely amazing as prompts. Ask a reasonable question, get a card, and notice what emotions and thoughts come to mind immediately- you have all the answers within you, you just might not be paying attention... and Tarot works as a surrogate third party to reflect and help you pay attention to what you really feel. Witchcraft rituals all work essentially the same way.

There's also more woo-woo centric things like ghosts and fae and such. I personally am on the fence on it all but "believe just in case" lol. I've experienced many paranormal things but also know it could be caused by my autism, trauma, or whatever else. But it isn't hurting me or anyone else.. so it doesn't matter!

This is all a ramble and probably hard to understand if you aren't already very familiar with these kind of eccentric things. I work with a lot of chemistry so I've personally noticed how close witchcraft things are to science and even therapy- and likewise how a lot of past beliefs of magic were actually just yet unexplained science & medicine.

At the end of the day, I know everything may be an illusion from my various ailments and perspective. But that's perfectly okay, because it has done nothing but make me happier, more emotionally strong, and helped me focus to better my life and relationships. It's made me a much better, intelligent person and is the perfect fit for my life, though it may not be for everyone. Our variance, weirdness, and mysteries are the beauty of being alive.

[samlizzy71]

HELLO!! i wanted to say your art is so incredibly cute and always makes my day :)) it's a huge source of confidence for me. ive been trying to figure out my identity for 2 years now, and although i am sloowly getting closer, some days i feel fully mtf, other days i feel somewhere on the nb spectrum... it's a mess. do you have any advice for people who are questioning? thank you!!

Thank you so much! ^w^ Well, I think it's different for each one, so I may not be able to help a lot D: But I think support is one of the most important things. If unfortunately you don't have support from your family and are living with them, please be really cautious and don't put yourself at risk u.u Unfortunately sometimes the people who harm us the most are the ones that were supposed to protect us, but I hope it's not your case! If you don't already have someone who you can trust, try to find people or places where you can explore your identity, try new things! Ask people to try pronouns and new names you like, and if you have the chance, experiment with clothes, accesories, makeup, etc. and be patient. Sometimes you'll feel uncomfortable with something you thought you had no problem, especially if you're aware that you don't like it now that you have tried something else, or if your feelings change some days (if you're on the non binary or gender fluid spectrum) What matters is what makes you happy. If you like wearing dresses, no one should tell you not to do it. If some days you enjoy using She/Her pronouns and others you feel better using He/Him, They/Them, etc. well, you don't have to choose just one for all of your life ^w^ Don't feel pressured! Medical transition requires you to be informed and (ideally) completely sure about what you want to do, and the services from a health professional (as much as possible, I know sometimes is difficult or even impossible to have someone to guide you through it) but, if you're considering it, make sure to look up as much info as you can from reliable sources. And be aware that sometimes transphobes will try to harm you, so be careful with scams and fake meds and incorrect info that tries to scare you if you're looking up on the internet.

[strikersexhaver]

Alright, I’ll bite. How about both sfw and nsfw headcannons for Striker dating a trans masc AFAB with autism and ADHD, and who often struggles with anxiety, gender dysphoria and sometimes dissociation? (If it helps to know, I often cope through stimming with rubbing soft/smooth textures and with pressure stims such as hugs/squeezes and weighted blankets). Make it as long or as short you need to, anything that you can come up with for Striker dealing with/reacting to these things I’d be interested in reading. (For the sake of my own comfort though, say I have top surgery, refer to the naughty bits as a cock/dick, and only use he/him pronouns for the reader) I hope this isn’t too much to ask!

Also…god damn I am addicted to this man’s voice and I wish he could just vibrate my entire body with his rumbles and snake sounds gkdnfkdndn

To be fair… Me too, me too 😭😭… I love his voice, both voices are amazing to me. And also sure, I can do this! I have autism so I can put some firsthand experience in here as well !! Plus, my brother is trans, I used to take care of him during his transition.

CW for NSFW under the ‘read more’ cut!

Personally, Striker didn’t think or care much about you being trans.

Don’t get him wrong- he supports and loves you but he doesn’t really care about gender. He mostly sees you for you, and your strength-

He does respect the courage of coming out, or being bold with it since-

In Hell there’s more than a just a little amount of assholes lurking around.

He’ll be right by your side if you ever wanted him to fight for you or deal with dipshits.

Back on track though, he would help you in transitioning if you asked- via HRT shots, helping you afford the surgeries required to make you feel comfortable in your own body.

When he sees how you looked like when everything healed, he’ll say you’re sexier than ever.

(If you were an imp, he’d help paint your horns to be the more thick black and white lines like other men imp, if you wanted that of course)

Now as for relating to things like autism and ADHD, you’d have to explain a lot to him. Because I highly doubt Hell has a good educational system about mental health.

He enjoys hearing you talk, about this or fixations little or larger ones like hyper-fixations. He likes your voice, regardless of how it may be.

(Also- if you stopped wanting to take HRT for a while and you had a voice drop, he’d be mad confused)

But for other things such as flooding, he’d try to calm you down in the best way he could without stimulating you further.

As for meltdowns, he doesn’t know how to deal with them. He really does not, so he gives you space. At least on the first time, if it bothered you and you came to him on what to do when it happened again, he’d listen.

He’s not going to be the best, but he’s never gonna lay a hand on you during this state.

Speaking of, if you had certain sensory issues with touch- he’d be mindful to check to see if you’re up for physical contact.

He will mess up, sometimes forgetting entirely, but that’s only after a long day of killing and shooting.

He’d learn how to not just tap your shoulder for your attention, like waving a hand in front of you or tapping the table you were sitting at or anything really.

If you had certain tastes in exact textures or clothes that’d make you more comfortable, he’d try getting a few to make you feel better- same for weighted blankets once he learns of them.

He’s not afraid to steal for you if you needed it-

As for sound related issues, if for example you had an issue with metal scraping metal. He’d take you to a different area. If it was from him, he’d take it somewhere else where you cannot hear.

To be honest, if you brought it up saying you wished you had something to shut things out or turn out the noise.

He’d absolutely- 100% get you noise cancelling headphones, if they were expensive- fuck it, he’ll steal it- he’s not above murder so why would he be above stealing? He lives to see that joyful smile on your face- even if it’s for a brief second before you return to your resting face.

He knows you loved it, it boosts his ego and gives him a serotonin boost.

As for anxiety, if it was social anxiety and you didn’t like speaking up to others- this mf will do it for you, he has no problem, he loves talking.

Now to NSFW, Striker he still loves talking- not as much, but if you’re into it you’ll be hearing a lot of praise.

He’ll give masculine nicknames like ‘Good boy~’ if you were into that, if not he’ll stop.

But knowing firstly knowing his voice, you don’t and probably won’t tell him to stop.

Also- speaking of stopping, previously going to back to boundaries. He’d ask you firmly what you did not want him to do or not, gender-related or not.

He’ll experiment with you, trying to see if you’d prefer being a top or a bottom. Because some people prefer having roles that suit / fit their gender identity.

(A/N at least from my perspective, some people do! Not everyone ofc)

(Striker will always try to be the dom though- regardless-)

(A/N) Hope it was good! Please let me know how it is, I’m always open to critique and sorry the NSFW part was so short I simply couldn’t think of much! I’m not trans (depending on how you see nb people DJSNHA) well- ftm, but if I did or said anything wrong or wrote anything wrong let me know!

Also, requests are open!

[inkstainedhandswithrings]

so I keep learning about The Horrors™️ of American healthcare and I keep hearing Americans talk abt this shit like it’s totally fine and let me tell y’all. It’s not. Apparently and ADHD or Autism test costs like 500$ for you guys? And then when you do get diagnosed you gotta think abt shit like “okay but do I actually need meds?” Bc apparently that’s a financial decision? But it,,, it shouldn’t be right? Right okay bc

I live in Europe, specifically Austria, and this is how healthcare works here: if you have a job you have healthcare. Your employer pays for it. They have to. It’s absolutely illegal and unheard of not to. They do take about 20% out of your pay-check every month to pay for that and other legal things that I don’t quite understand (my dad explained it to me once but I’m 20 so I still don’t get it bc I don’t really have to but every cent they take out benefits me I think so it’s fine).

Now irl this is a lot more complicated but basically, you have public healthcare and private healthcare and then just stuff that’s up to the government (like ambulance rides, I think. Even if you don’t have insurance u don’t pay for that. I know this bc an American friend of mine didn’t and had to go to the hospital and called a cab and when they told me I was like “??? BRO WHY NO AMBULANCE” this is also how I found out that Americans have to pay for ambulance rides. wtf.)

Basically your insurance covers all medical expenses from doctors who are in your network (public practice). This is your GP, hospitals, and pretty much all specialised docs (dentist, internists, cardiologists, etc.). However, the public offices are much busier than the private ones (obvi) so if you’re in a rush, want special treatment, or just be a little fancy you can CHOOSE to pay for private doctors. And even then you can hand in those bills to your insurance and you get part of the money back (abt 30% which you receive abt 4 months after handing the bill in).

If you keep your bills for private care doctors you can hand them in to,,, someone somewhere somehow (idk man) and get a bigger tax return. (bc we don’t calculate our taxes ourselves. it just gets taken out of your pay-check by your employer every month and then at the end of the,,, fiscal year??? I guess?? Idk man idk how shit works — you get any money that was like,,, extra (????) back)

Now you might ask yourself: “phi, why would I pay for doc if I can go to free doc?” Which is an excellent question. Again, for most people it’s about waiting times but there is one field where it just really makes more sense: mental health services. Private practitioners have less clients and more high quality care than public ones because they choose their own funding, which, surprise surprise, is better than public funding.

I will now take you through my own personal journey so you can have a practical example of how good healthcare CAN AND SHOULD BE (keep in mind here I have parents who after messing me up and being terrible but learning their lessen once I became an adult and told them how horrible they were are very supportive of me pursing my mental health)

When I was about to turn 20 I went to my GP and had a conversation with her about how I think I might have ADHD. She asked me about my complaints and agreed there definitely are symptoms indicating it. She wrote me a referral to a Psychiatrist. When I got to my Psychiatrist she tested me and because of the referral she could tell the insurance company that this test was necessary and not elective, meaning insurance payed for it in full and I never even saw that bill.

Now I had a diagnosis all but a week later. I spoke to my parents who agreed to support me in finding private care. My Psychiatrist charges 160€ (insurance returns 48€) per appointment which my mum graciously pays for. I see him once every couple of months to check in on my use of medication and how I’m responding and to see if my dosis needs adjustment. If and when I need a refill, I only have to write him an email. Before he could put me on medication I needed a blood draw and cardiac test, to ensure that I qualified for a stimulant, since they can be harmful in some cases. He wrote me referrals and I went to my GP and a public cardiologist for those tests, which were all free of ANY charge.

I was then cleared to take my meds within a few weeks (cardiologist had a bit of a waiting list). I was prescribed Ritalin and some sleeping pills by my psychiatrist. He gives me the prescriptions and a letter to the insurance company asking them to cover the cost, as I have a diagnosis which he confirmed again in his initial assessment of me. Now that I’ve gotten approved, all I pay for is the prescription, not the actual medication. Which is about 6-7€ for the Ritalin and 4-5€ for the sleeping pills (monthly supply each).

My Therapist is also a private doctor. She charges 120€ per session and I go twice a month, which is 240€ per month. My dad contributes 100€ and my mum contributes 30€, which means I’m down to 110€ per month. Insurance pays 30€ per session (so 60€ per month) so I pay a grand total of 50€ or 25€ per session.

So my medical treatment each month costs me just about 62€ AT MOST (since I don’t always need my sleeping pills refilled).

Now, just for fun, let’s assume my parents don’t support me and I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist in the same month and need both my meds refilled. This would come to just about 304€ (because of insurance deductions).

But you have to consider that I DON’T see my psychiatrist every month, so the more realistic monthly cost would be 187€. And should I decide I can’t pay for that I can still get on a waiting list for public mental health practitioners, in which case the only thing I’d ever need to pay for are the prescription costs for my medication which would still be up to 7€ for the Ritalin and up to 5€ for the sleeping pills putting the grand total at 12€ PER MONTH.

My family and I simply chose the quicker, more efficient option, but no one twisted our arm into paying this amount of money FOR BASIC CARE.

And yes, it’s a lot of bureaucracy (it took me WAY too long to spell that) and paperwork, but I’d much rather that than have to decide between mental well-being or being broke.

So, my conclusion: Cancel America, move to Europe, OR just tell the American People In Charge Men that it is that easy and they really should try a little harder and you citizens shouldn’t settle for the shit you have to put up with right now because wtf

if you wanna cry a little it’s okay lemme know I’ll come sit with you and offer a hug but you can say no if that’s not your thing

anyways love ya

phi

[uwingdispatch]

Here With Me

Here With Me

Notes: Poe Dameron/Reader, gender neutral reader, post-sequels, hurt/comfort, chronically ill/disabled reader, domestic fluff, established relationship

CW: hospital/clinnic setting, minor injury (not graphic), chronic illness, chronic pain, implied sexual intimacy

Ao3 Link

★★★★★★★★

Your health being what it is, you’ve spent a lot of time in urgent cares over the years. But, since meeting Poe, sometimes you feel like that time in urgent care clinics has tripled. You’d think that as a flight instructor and he’d know to be more careful with his hands, but tonight while making dinner he’d sliced the tip of his finger clean off.

Your droid, Arsix, trained specifically for medical and emotional support had wanted to come with you to the clinic, but Poe’s droid, BB-8, wasn’t willing to stay at home while his person was having an emergency. So Arsix had offered to clean up the kitchen while BB-8 drove you and Poe to the nearest emergency clinic. Which is where you are now with a towel wrapped around your husband’s hand and his fingertip in a bag of ice in BB-8’s care.

“You doing okay, Poe?” you ask.

“I was actually worried about you,” he says. “I know how much you hate being around medical stuff. You sure you don’t want BB-8 to drive you home?”

“I’m sure,” you say. “I’m here with you until that finger is whole again. I don’t know how you can fly an X-Wing but you can’t operate a kitchen knife.”

Poe wraps his arm around you, his good hand giving your shoulder a squeeze. “You know they don’t let me near X-Wings anymore. Those are for military personnel only.”

You roll your eyes. Poe Dameron has access to any ship he wants to fly—all he has to do is ask the right person. But he does mostly work with small transports or shuttles when he’s teaching or traveling these days.

“Also, to be fair,” he says, “it wasn’t a kitchen knife. There’s this thing I saw on the holonet where you use a vibro-blade to—”

“A vibro-blade?” you ask, trying not to yell. You have to take a deep breath to hold back your anger. “Nope. Stop. I do not want to know the rest of that story right now.” Another deep breath. “How’s the pain?” you ask.

“Tolerable,” he says, kissing your temple. “I’ve seen a lot worse, sweetheaert. Really, you can go home.”

“I don’t trust you not to leave,” you whisper in his ear.

He laughs, knowing exactly why. He’d nearly lost one of his toes not too long ago because the wait at the clinic was “too long” and an old buddy of his had recently built his own med droid.  It didn’t go well. Babu’s droid would have been perfectly fine if Poe were Anzellan—but he’s not.

“I’m never going to live that down am I?”

“No. And when we’re done here if you don’t take me somewhere to get a burger I’m never going to forgive you.”

“Ugh, we didn’t get dinner, did we? Are you sure you can wait?”

BB-8 chirps his concern. Poe just gets a little hangry when he hasn’t eaten. But, for you, not eating when you’re hungry can mean dizziness or even migraines.

“I’ll be okay,” you say.

Thankfully a med droid rolls into the waiting room and calls out Poe’s name.

“Burgers,” you say before kissing his cheek, smoothing his wild curls away from his face. “Go get that finger reattached so we can eat.”

*

You’d been dating Poe for a few months the first time he wanted to take you to a med center.

He was nervous. The two of you had been out, strolling around downtown waiting for your table at a local restaurant to be ready—and then you’d tweaked something in your knee and needed to stop and rest. He’d found a park bench and helped you get to it, but you could tell he wanted desperately to fix the situation.

You’d experienced this feeling before—there were men who didn’t know what to do in an emergency other than fix it. If Poe couldn’t handle not having the power to make it all better—well, guys like that usually just ran.

“Sweetheart,” he said. “The pain you’re describing…it’s not normal.”

“It is for me,” you explained. “This happens a lot.”

He ran a hand through his dark curls and let out a long breath. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want me to help you.”

Arsix was at home tonight. If she were here she might offer you one of your tablets, maybe a few other home remedies, but even she understood that some things just took a little bit of time. And a little bit of rest.

“That’s not it,” you said. “If you could help, I would let you. But I need you to trust me when I tell you there’s nothing at the med center that will help me with my knee tonight.”

He took your hand. “I trust you,” he said. “What can I do?”

“Unfortunately,” you said, “I think I need you to take me home.”

He looked a bit stricken before he tried to hide his disappointment, anxiously running a hand through his hair again. “Okay,” he said. “Let me go get the speeder.”

You felt his worry, and a there was a tightness in your chest as you wondered whether this might be it for you and Poe. If maybe he’d hit some kind of mental roadblock, realizing you had real disabilities with real impairments that weren’t cute. Things would go wrong that he couldn’t heroically swoop in to solve.

But when he returned with the speeder, he had a sweet smile on his face, and he took your hand again as you slid into the passenger seat. The ride home was a little quiet, but Poe put music on, caressed your hand with his thumb.

When he finally pulled up to your place he said, “I understand why you don’t want to be with me tonight. I guess…sometimes you just need some space when you’re hurting, huh?”

“Poe,” you said. “When I said I wanted you to take me home, I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave”

“Oh?”

“I was hoping you’d come inside. That maybe you’d want to be with me even though I’m kind of a mess right now.”

“Kriff,” he said. “I’m an idiot. Of course I’ll stay.”

The door to your apartment slid open and Arsix was standing inside, twittering her concern.

“Knee issues,” Poe told the droid. “Is there anything you can do?”

Arsix beeped instructions to get you inside and on the sofa where you could elevate the injury on an ottoman while she got a heat wrap ready.

Gently, Poe eased you onto your sofa, asked if he could hold you. So you rested your head on his chest, letting out a deep breath as he wrapped an arm around you.

“Sorry I kind of ruined our date,” you said. “I know it’s not always easy with me.”

“Look at me,” Poe said, tilting your chin toward him. “Please don’t apologize for this. This wasn’t your choice, and I know that.”

You nodded, trying to hold back tears.

Poe leaned in to kiss you, a sweet, comforting kiss, his plush lips warm and soft. You took his face in your hands and invited the kiss to last a little longer. But you were so overwhelmed with relief that your tears begin to fall.

“Hey, now,” Poe said, brushing away your tears with the pads of his thumbs. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“I really thought you were going to leave,” you said.

“I know that we haven’t known each other very long,” Poe said. “But the thing is…I’m in love with you. I love you. And that means I’m going to learn how to help you when you’re not well. And how not to help you. I’m going to learn what you need, and to be what you need, okay?”

“Wow,” you said. “That’s, um…that’s a lot.”

“It’s okay if you’re not ready…if you don’t—”

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Nobody has ever tried to become an expert in caring for me before.”

He laughed. “The sentiment stands. I can wait.”

“Okay.”

He was about to kiss you again when Arsix came into the room. She had a heat wrap and bacta spray with her, which she applied to your sore knee. As she rolled away she beeped and whistled a phrase that translated to you can kiss the General now.

You laughed and threaded your fingers through Poe’s hair as he bent to capture your mouth with his, his tongue a sweet thrill as it slipped passed your lips, his hand gently running over your shoulder to cradle your neck.

“Thank you for staying,” you said as he pulled away, giving you a moment to search for even the tiniest bit of deception in his warm brown eyes. There was none.

He kissed your forehead and said, “Always.”

Somehow, you believed him.

*

“How’s the finger?” you ask.

You and Arsix have just finished cleaning up the take-out mess in the dining area despite Poe’s protests. You don’t want him to tear any of his stitches, even though the high dose bacta should have him in pretty good shape within a few days.

“I’m fine,” Poe says. “Really. You must be exhausted.”

He comes up behind you as you’re drying off your hands, wraps his arms around your waist, and kisses your neck, his lips soft despite the rough scruff of his face. It’s been a couple of days since he last shaved and you have to admit—you don’t hate it.

You turn in his arms, threading your fingers through his hair, his soft curls wild after tonight’s misadventures. Smoothing his hair away from his face, you look into his eyes before pressing a kiss to his lips. “I need you to be more careful,” you say. “I think I like you best with all ten fingers.”

Poe lets his hands wander to the waistband of your pants and says “I think I know why,” with a cheeky grin.

“Seriously, though,” you say. “As much as I enjoy what you can do with your hands, I also just need you to be safe.”

You aren’t the only one concerned about Poe’s blatant disregard for his own safety. BB-8 had mentioned it more than once over the years. Finn let you know when things started to get serious between you and Poe that it was something you might want to keep an eye on. Because when Poe gets upset or ambitious or excited, safety goes out the window.

“You’re talking like I regularly put myself in danger.”

“Don’t you?” you ask. “Tonight it was a slip of a knife—a vibro-blade for stars’ sake. Tomorrow it could be lightspeed skipping or an insane bar bet you can’t turn down.”

Poe sighs deeply, pulls you close. He smells of his citrus-y soap, of the light, musky cologne he wears. You rest your head in the crook of his neck and he whispers, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I wasn’t thinking.”

“You need to think,” you say. “I’m counting on you to think. If anything ever happened to you…they can reattach a finger, an arm even. But one of these days it could be a lot worse than that and I need you to be here with me. To come home to me.”

Poe’s heart rate has started to increase, and you hope you haven’t induced a panic in him.

“Sometimes,” Poe says, “You remind me of Leia. I wish you could have met her.”

“I hope you’re not deflecting,” you say.

“I’m not,” he says. “Let me see your eyes.”

You pull away from his embrace and meet his tired gaze.

“Leia would have loved you for a lot of reasons. You’re strong, and you’re thoughtful, and you speak your mind. But she especially would have loved how you put me in my place,” Poe says. “Just like she used to do. And just like she usually was, you’re right.”

You can’t help but smile a little, taking Poe’s face in your hand, his brown and silver hair flopping forward into his eyes. “I love you,” you say. “Even when I want to stay mad at you, you make it so hard.”

He kisses you then, slowly, his hand on the small of your back, his lips fitting to yours perfectly. You touch your forehead to his and sigh.

“BB-8,” you say, knowing the droid is nearby. “Can you sweep the house for vibro-blades and put them all in the weapons locker in the garage?”

BB-8 chirps in agreement and gets to work.

*

You hadn’t expected for Poe to spend the night that night—you’d hardly expected him to stay after your date went sideways. But he did. And he didn’t seem to mind that, because of your extreme knee pain, it wasn’t a very romantic evening. Arsix was in and out of the bedroom all night, checking on you, bringing you medicine and changing out the heat wraps on your sore knee. Your overprotective tooka-cat was on edge, pacing the room as best as his three legs allowed in between naps at the end of the bed. And while it was hard for you to sleep when you were in this amount of pain, you found being with Poe through a difficult night like this somehow comforting.

It was in the early hours before dawn when you woke to find Poe asking Arsix if there was anything he could do.

“I feel so helpless,” he said.

Arsix warbled and whistled and you made out the phrase safe feelings with you.

“Yeah?”

You bring calm and warmth. Past boyfriends inconsiderate.

You smiled to yourself and rolled over in bed. You hadn’t met many others who talked to droids like Poe did, treating them like the people they were. Especially not in the middle of a sleepless night.

“You’re still here, Poe,” you said.

The moonlight was coming in through the windows, past the curtains that you could have sworn you’d closed before bed, but which your tooka-cat had likely disturbed. Poe put his arms around you and you laid your head on his bare shoulder, his skin warm as you reciprocated the embrace. You ran your hands through his dark curls, resting your palm at the back of his neck.

“Of course I am,” he said. “Did we wake you?”

“No. I’m just…awake again.”

“I’m sorry,” Poe said, his hands at your back, lightly massaging the spot that always ached when you’d been still for too long. Maybe he was more attuned to your needs than you’d realized.

“Not your fault,” you told him, yawning. “Thank you for being here. Nights like this can be hard. Not just because of the pain, but…it’s lonely sometimes.”

“I wish there was more I could do,” he said.

“I know,” you told him. “But what you’re doing right now is enough.”

Arsix twittered that she had tablets and bacta spray for you and you thanked her, sitting up so you could swallow the medicine. The little droid helped you apply the bacta to your knee before she rolled out of the room, telling you to ping her if you needed something.

“Come here, sweetheart,” Poe said as you settled back into the bed. He pulled you into his arms again, letting you get as comfortable as you could.

“This is nice,” you said.

Poe cupped your face, his thumb caressing you cheek, and as you pulled back to see his eyes in the near darkness, there was something there that you hadn’t seen before. A truth so deep and real that it could only be seen in this dim light. And he pressed a sweet kiss to your lips that told you this was the only place he wanted to be.

*

When Poe comes home from work today he’s wearing a blue flight suit with the arms tied around his waist, carrying a heavy duffel bag. You haven’t seen him like this in a long time, and you can’t help but admire how the white tank he’s wearing perfectly compliments his toned physique and the pretty tattoos on his arms and chest.

“What’s in the bag, General?” you ask.

You’d just come out of your office to make yourself a cup of tea—Poe wasn’t expected home for at least another hour.

“One of the kids spilled oil while I was teaching a refresher course on basic vehicle maintenance. Which would have been fine—it happens all the time, you know? But it got everywhere and when I went to shower and change…apparently the upperclassmen put my change of clothes in the freezer last week. In a tub of water.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“This was all I had in the office,” he says, gesturing at his attire. “So.”

“And that’s the block of ice?” you ask, pointing at the bag.

He nods.

“I guess we can just put it in the back yard to thaw,” you said. “Have you considered not telling your students all the stupid shit you did when you were a kid?”

Poe laughs, reaching for you. Taking his hand, you let him pull you into an embrace.

“Don’t lie, though,” Poe says. “You think this look is kinda hot, don’t you?”

“Maybe a little,” you say.

You smooth his hair away from his face, his curls a bit more wild than usual, and he tilts your chin toward him to kiss you, letting his tongue tease you just a little as his lips meet yours.

When your front door slides open to reveal BB-8 towing a small shopping bag, Poe pulls away.

“There you are, buddy,” Poe says.

BB-8 chirps a response that translates roughly to flowers acquired.

“For me?” you ask.

Poe gets the bag from BB-8 and pulls out a bouquet full of your favorites. “I’m sorry about last night,” he says. “It was an unnecessary stressor for you, and I shouldn’t have been doing something so reckless. I talked to my therapist on my lunch beak today—she also wasn’t impressed.”

You take the flowers and admire the arrangement, take in their sweet scent before grabbing a vase from the cupboard and filling it with water. “What did she say?” you ask.

“Something about thrill-seeking behavior after spending so many of my formative years in life and death situations.”

“Sounds familiar.” You’re told him the same thing on multiple occasions.

“I know,” he says. “I need some new hobbies.”

“That I can help you with,” you say. “There are ways to feel alive that don’t put you in danger.”

Poe steps close to you again, runs his fingertips down you cheek before softly touching your lower lip with his thumb. And you place your hands at his waist, playing at the hem of his undershirt, which he swiftly removes.

“I can think of one way to feel alive that might be nice right now,” he says.

Poe presses his body flush to yours as you lean back into the kitchen counter, drawing you into a hungry, urgent kiss, cradling your face in his hands. You let your hands wander from his muscular back down to his perfect ass, pulling him even closer.

“Bedroom?” you ask, almost breathless.

“Yeah,” he says. “Bedroom.”

When you’re watching him peel himself out of the ill-fitting flight suit, you laugh—and he retaliates by playfully pushing you into the bed where he climbs on top of you, undressing you, kissing your lips, your nose, your neck, your shoulders.

“Sweetheart,” he says, “let me show you how alive you make me feel.”

As he trails kisses down your chest and abdomen, your mind empties itself of every pain, every stress, every worry. “I love you,” you tell him.

And from under the covers, placing one more kiss to your belly, he replies, “I know.”

★★★★★★★★ Thank you so much for reading! I wanted to write some nice, soft Poe for y'all. I hope this fic makes you feel seen and loved.

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[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Reminding Me of Me

The past several weeks have been filled with a lot of uninvited family drama involving and basically created by my brother and his wife. J and I have been unfortunately and a bit involuntarily recruited to help subdue this drama. Of course, I don't want my brother's life to be unhappy and complicated, and J and I want to help alleviate those things when and if we can, but this suffering is almost entirely self inflicted. It's been very frustrating, especially considering the solid historical pattern of my parents using me to make my brother's life easier/better, and the historical pattern of all of them overlooking and dismissing me and taking me for granted. As I told a friend privately earlier this week, since my brother has been born, I've always been called upon to serve him or ignored in his favor.

My brother was born, and when he was 3 months old (I was 11.5), my grandmother, the person I was closest to in life to that point, passed away. In addition to the obvious, practically debilitating grief, I was also forced to leave the school district I'd grown up in to attend middle school somewhere more convenient for my parents (but mostly because of my brother). I didn't get much if any emotional support for any of this, because my brother was a newborn, and he outranked me. I became my brother's surrogate mother almost immediately. My mom worked 60-80 hour weeks, and when my dad went to work (once I was out of middle/high school for the day) to his second shift job, I was left solely in charge of my brother until my mom got home from her supposedly first shift job (but she regularly worked 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and some weekends, and brought work home with her too). I sacrificed a lot of social life opportunities and even one academic opportunity in order to fulfill the responsibility of caring for my brother. I attended a local college to continue doing this. I left my first job early if my brother had an emergency or if he needed to be checked on; not my parents. When I was a new mother, after a previous traumatic pregnancy loss, my parents didn't give me much support because that's when my brother was graduating high school and starting college, and he needed them then. More than I did, they presumed. On my 40th birthday, my brother moved in with his girlfriend (now his wife). We all spent the day (and were expected to spend the day) packing boxes and moving furniture for them. No one really even acknowledged that it was my birthday. This wasn't the first year my birthday was ignored, and it also wasn't the first year I was expected to cater to my brother's girlfriend (now wife) on my birthday. The year before that, I was told to change the restaurant and the time of day we'd go out as a family because 'she doesn't want to get ready that early for brunch.' When my brother got married, my mom cried at his wedding and his reception...she barely showed any sort of emotion at all at mine. My parents gave my brother a rehearsal dinner that was nicer than his wedding; helped do all of the 'wedding' stuff; were very involved. All they did for J's and my wedding was write a couple checks (that we cut as low as possible without offending people to be easier on them).

Now, I am getting ready to go back to work outside the home part time, for the first time in 10 years, and I have a minor surgical procedure coming up in a few days. My son just started 10th grade 2 days ago, and as everyone reading here probably knows, the start of 9th grade was nearly catastrophic to his mental health. My parents and my brother and his wife are aware (at least nominally) of all of these things. But the past several weeks have been spent solely focused on my brother and his needs instead (I know, big fucking surprise).

So I've been thinking the past couple weeks that I'm having flashbacks of living back at home with my parents, where I just don't even seem to matter, and my brother gets 100% of their care, support, and attention, and I'm expected to shift 100% of mine to him too. Over the past week or so, I've even asked J and my son questions like, 'You're real, right? Our life together is real? You're my real husband/son? We have a house and a dog, right? All of this is real, right?' Because I have to remind myself that I do exist, I do matter, I have built a life where I matter and am noticed and valued; a life separate from all those old expectations and shitty feelings of being ignored and overlooked and used. And last night, J and I went on a motorcycle ride while our son was with my parents, temporarily distracting them from the depressing and anxiety inducing concentration on my brother (my mom even admitted a few days ago that this is the first time in her life she's ever felt anxiety). J took me to the small town I spent my Pre-Brother childhood in. We visited with my godfather, probably the most consistently supportive adult presence in my life who's still alive. We only talked about our family and my godfather...not my brother at all. It was nice. We didn't do our normal 'date night' routine because of my upcoming surgery; in fact the date night wasn't our idea; it was my parents', because they 'needed' time with our son to like...have some stress free enjoyment and pride in their grandchild (for a change). But it was still a great date night. J helped remind me of me. That I am a person who matters, and me mattering is unrelated to my brother and my parents, and how I can be of service to them, or what their connection to or opinion of me is, in any way.

It felt really good to be reminded of me. I was a person of value and consequence before my brother came along. And I am a person of value and consequence now, in my own built life and my own family, without him. I'm me. And I matter. And it's sad that I have to remind myself of that still. But at least I can be reminded.