#i subjected myself to immense emotional damage to make this

[tardxsblues]

TWELVE AND CLARA IN SERIES 9

When something goes missing, you can always recreate it by the hole it left. I know her name was Clara. I know we travelled together. I know that there was an ice warrior on a submarine, and a mummy on the Orient Express. I know we sat together in the cloisters and she told me something very important, but I have no idea what she said, or what she looked like, or how she talked or laughed. There's nothing there. Just nothing. Are you looking for her? I'm trying. Well, she could be anyone, right? You don't know who you're looking for -- I mean, she could be me, for all you know. There's one thing I know about her, just one thing -- if I met her again, I'd absolutely know her.

[ladymunson]

One 18+

Fic summary: Bucky struggles with his feelings toward you, which he hides by pretending he doesn’t trust you. You get placed on a mission together where trust is essential.

A/N: sorry if this is all over the place, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything so this might be a jumbled mess. Enjoy though!

Warnings: SMUT 18+, oral (f rec), fingering, language, unprotected p in v, kissing, heavy petting.

Word count: 5.3k

Not proofread and no beta (apologies for any mistakes)

I do NOT consent to my work being copied, translated or posted to any other platform.

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Dividers made by the wonderful @firefly-graphics and thank you to @jijilaufeyson for helping me make a decision.

“Are you serious?!” You throw your hands up in exasperation, “I’ve been with SHIELD for three years, I can do this mission by myself. I don’t need a babysitter!”

“Yes, you do.” Bucky sneers, you turn your head towards him and glare.

“I hate to agree with Barnes but he’s right, I think you still need someone to keep an eye on you. Your ex was HYDRA after all.” Tony says, as he crosses his arms over his chest.

You throw your head back in frustration, they’re never going to forget about him.

Three years ago, you had come back to the apartment you shared with you boyfriend of two years to find the place swarming with HYDRA agents. He had been assigned to you to eventually recruit you to HYDRA after they had discovered your abilities.

You’d always been able to sense how someone was feeling by just being near them and eventually it had morphed into being able to influence their emotions. You could walk into a party or a meeting and know exactly who to look out for, whether it be because they were vulnerable or someone with ill intention.

It took immense concentration, effort and energy to be able to change someone’s emotions without touching them. Which you always try and avoid, you don’t want to change someone unintentionally, you could ruin things for them. So, you manage to keep your emotions in check most of the time, and don’t accidentally influence anyone.

The moment you realised that Russell was HYDRA, you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, but they weren’t going to let you go without a fight. Luckily, you’d befriended the Black Widow, Natasha Romanoff, when you’d met her and Wanda Maximoff one night at a local dive bar after Russ had blown you off again. One text to her and they’d both been at your door and helped you get away from the agents and back to the safety of Avengers Tower where you’d been subjected to an intense interrogation from Tony Stark, Cliff Barton and Bucky Barnes.

You’d thought that after all the years spent training and fighting by their sides, they would trust you by now, but obviously they don’t. Or more specifically; Bucky doesn’t. Cliff had decided you were trustworthy the first time he interrogated you and had told them as much, but Bucky wasn’t hearing it. So here you were three whole years later, still deemed untrustworthy by the Winter Soldier of all people.

“You know what…?” You start and Bucky smirks at you, adding more fuel to the fire. “I’m glad you’re doing the recon alone, gives me time to pack.” Bucky raises an eyebrow. “This is my last mission, I’m done. I quit!” You turn on your heel and leave the conference room without another word.

Bucky groans and places both hands on the table in front of him, flesh beside vibranium, and hangs his head.

“Well that went well Barnes.” Tony says as he walks over to the door. “Looks like I have to do damage control.” He points at Bucky. “You find something on that recon and figure out a way to fix this. We can’t lose her.” And leaves the room, the glass door swinging back and forth.

Bucky makes a fist and slams it down on the table in front of him. “Fuck!”

You stalk down the hallway, heading to your room, walking past everyone and ignoring them all as they try talking to you. Natasha notices and follows you to your room, the doors are automated so you can’t even slam it to let out your frustration. So, you throw your self face down on your bed and scream into the comforter. Natasha just stands by the door, not saying anything and waits for you to finish your screaming.

“Feel better?” She asks as you flip yourself over to lay on your back.

“I can’t believe he still doesn’t trust me! Well, it doesn’t matter anymore, I quit.” You say without looking in her direction.

“You didn’t quit.” Natasha says as she walks over to join you on your bed.

“I did, straight to Bucky and Tony’s faces. Both of them looked shocked but I don’t care anymore. I’m fucking done!” You say as you jump off the bed and begin going through your closet and putting clothes in a suitcase.

The one thing you want, is to have Bucky’s trust…. Okay there’s something you want more than his trust, but you’re never going to get it. If he doesn’t trust you to be member of his team, there’s no way he’s going to trust you in any sort of relationship. So rather than trying anymore, you’ve picked the nuclear option. Serves him right!

“Buck…?” Steve says as he walks into the conference room where Bucky is still hunched over the table. “What’s going on?”

“What is wrong with me Steve? Why can’t I trust people?”

“You mean y/n?” Steve asks. Bucky groans. “Buck, I think it’s obvious to everyone except you and y/n that you like her.” Bucky looks up at Steve. “In a romantic way.”

Bucky stammers, “N... no I don’t.” Steve raises an eyebrow and smirks at Bucky.

“You haven’t been in a relationship since she joined SHEILD, hell you haven’t even on a date in a year. You like her.”

“You’re right Steve, I do. But… She quit.” Bucky says as his head hangs head.

“What did you do? You know what, it doesn’t matter. Fix it!” Steve says and leaves the room.

You and Bucky avoid each other for the next week, but to be fair he was out doing recon for the mission with Sam, who had been ribbing him about his feelings for you and pissing Bucky off. They had however, been able to meet the mark and started integrating themselves into his world. Your role as Bucky’s girl would come later, and you couldn’t help feeling like he was ruining your chances to prove yourself. You could’ve done the getting to know the mark and maybe brought Bucky or Sam or even Steve in as your man later on.

You hated to admit it but their getting to know him first was the better plan as not many women were in that world.

The mark. Carlo Vizzini is the head of an organised crime syndicate, who deals stolen HYDRA and SHIELD weapons and technology to other members of the syndicate. The goal is to find the times and locations of all the shipments being brought into the city, finding a list of buyers would be the icing on the cake but it isn’t a priority.

Bucky’s role is to present himself as someone new to the area who wants to become a member of the syndicate. FRIDAY has come up with an elaborate backstory for the two of you, created entire histories for you both which you’ve spent the last week reviewing and learning. Your backstory isn’t too far away from your real story, so it isn’t hard to memorise. The problem is pretending to be his girl. How can you possibly work together and be convincing if it’s obvious to everyone that he doesn’t trust you. There has to be a reason why Tony suggested Bucky for the mission and not Steve, you don’t know what it is, not that you care because you won’t be around once this mission is completed.

The story. You and Bucky have moved to New York from Michigan, where was a mid level HYDRA agent who oversaw a warehouse that contained new tech. The place had been breached while he was attending a HYDRA event with you, and they had fired him for allowing the breach to happen (An actual event orchestrated by Vizzini).

You had been together for five years at the point you’re at, and Tony had decided to add the fact that you were recently engaged. So, you had to wear an obnoxiously huge diamond on your left ring finger, which really bugged you. You had both been set up in a brownstone in Brooklyn, sleeping in separate rooms but having to appear all lovey dovey in case you were being watched.

Four weeks later.

Carlo Vizzini has invited Bucky and you to an event hosted at his mansion in the Hamptons, where you will both be introduced to other syndicate members. So, you need a spa day and shopping trip where you can buy a dress for the event and be seen out and about acting like this is a normal occurrence. Tony has also arranged for someone from Tiffany to show up at your house and lend you some jewellery for the event as you’re a simple teeny hoop earring kind of girl.

You find the perfect dress while browsing online so it’s very easy to go and get it without having to actually search in store. Scratch that, Natasha found the dress for you and told you it would be a crime if you didn’t wear it.

The idea is to infiltrate the syndicate event, find the intel and get out without your cover being blown until the weapons and tech have been recovered. If your covers can last beyond that until the entire syndicate has been taken down, that’s even better.

So, you’ve been to the salon and had your hair done and are heading back to the brownstone when you notice the dark SUV you spotted outside the mall had parked across the road and the occupant was crossing over to you. You play it off like you haven’t noticed, a civilian wouldn’t have and that’s who you are for the foreseeable future.

“Excuse me? Y/N” The stranger starts a conversation with you.

“Yes? You answer, turning to face the person who has spoken to you.

“I’m sorry, I work for someone your boyfriend is trying to get into business with and he’s asked me to check that you out.”

You chuckle, “Fiancé.” The stranger looks confused. “He’s my fiancé, not my boyfriend. Does Mr Vizzini think we haven’t done the same the same to him? Can’t be too careful these days, too many con men around, especially in New York.”

The stranger seems a little taken aback by your words, but continues, like his job is at stake. “I have a few questions, if you wouldn’t mind answering.”

You cross your arms over your chest and cock an eyebrow. “Okay?”

He takes a picture out of his jacket and asks. “Who is this man?”

The picture is of Sam Wilson, the Falcon but you answer, “That is Sam, James’s brother, adopted of course. “

“And how long have you been together?”

“Five years, engaged for one. Are we done here? I have to get ready for a party.” You say and turn to the steps of your brownstone, heading up to your front door.

“One more question.” You turn to face him again. “Can I use your bathroom?” You sigh and open the door, directing him the right way and stay in the hallway so he doesn’t sneak anywhere else for a snoop. You hear the cistern flush and the squeak of the faucet, but you also hear the sound of the medicine cabinet being opened. Yep, he’s snooping. A few moments later he steps out of the bathroom and thanks you as he leaves your house.

You head straight into the kitchen and start the coffee machine; you then grab a detector out of the kitchen drawer and head into the bathroom. Using it to detect for a bug, which you find in the cupboard under the sink and leave it there. You have a get out your phone and send a message, one you’ve prearranged with Bucky, telling him about the bug.

‘Can’t wait to see your reaction when you see what I have on under my dress (followed) tonight. You’re not gonna be able to keep your cool or your hands (Suspicious) to yourself’

‘New lingerie?” (Bug?)

‘Maybe (yes), but you’re gonna have to wait and see’

‘Can’t wait’ (Understood)

You’re gonna have to start your charade earlier than anticipated and act like a real couple. I suppose there are worse things in life than pretending to be in a relationship with Bucky. You can’t deny that the dude is hot.

You pretend to use the bathroom by slowly pouring a bottle of water in the toilet, flushing and washing your hands. Then you head back into the kitchen to pour yourself a coffee.

Bucky arrives home a short while later, carrying a bouquet of roses (Sam’s idea) and gives you a kiss. You feel a little twinge in your stomach, feeling his lips on yours. His kiss is light and sweet.

Feeling your lips on his sends a thrill through Bucky, the feelings he’s been trying to hide for years bubbling to the surface and he has to stop himself deepening the kiss.

“There’s fresh coffee in the kitchen babe, I’m going to start getting ready. No peeking!” You say and head upstairs.

Bucky stays downstairs to drink a coffee and makes a few phone calls, all in character of course, before heading upstairs to get into his tux which takes only a few minutes. He’s back in the living room in less than ten minutes, waiting for you join him.

Bucky isn’t downstairs for very long before he hears your heels on the upper landing and stands up to greet you but at seeing you, his breath hitches in his throat.

(This is the dress you wear)

“You’re fucking stunning!” Bucky breathes out, causing you to grin.

“Not too bad yourself James.” You reply as you walk down the stairs and take his outstretched hand.

You arrive at the house in the Hamptons, impressed with the size of the place, hanging on to Bucky’s arm. The size of it is really impressive and you live in Avengers Tower.

Bucky thinks that he must thank Natasha for picking out that dress. He can’t keep his eyes off of you, that dress hugs your curves in all the right places. Bucky knows he needs to remain professional, but he really wants to get his hands on you and bring you pleasure like you’ve never known. He won’t have any problem pretending to be your lover tonight, because that’s the only thing he wants.

The party is in full swing an hour later, you’ve mingled with everyone, hanging on Bucky’s arm, acting like he’s your entire world. And to him, you are his world. It’s not acting, he’s crazy about you and has been since you met.

Another forty-five minutes go by with the both of you all over each other, giving you a reason to sneak off at some point, to find the intel you’re there to get.

Bucky’s arm is around your waist, holding you close to him as you leave the “ballroom” where the party is. You’re acting the part really well, practically hanging off of him, hands wandering. Walking down the hallway, still all over each other, opening doors looking for a place to have some privacy. Some rooms are all occupied, but the one you’re looking for is empty, Vizzini’s office. As soon as you’re in the room and you part ways, straight back to business, heading for his desk and turning on his computer. Plugging a USB drive you take off of your bracelet into it, and copying the files.

“Heads up Buck, Carlo is on his way and he’s not alone.” Sam says over comms. The last file copies just in time, and you attach the USB back to the bracelet and walk back around the desk.

“Shit!” Bucky says. “We’re gonna get caught!”

Your brain works quickly, “I have an idea, but you have to trust me.” You say as you switch the computer off.

Bucky nods. “Okay.” You pull him over to the wall beside the door and lean against it. You reach up under your dress and remove your underwear, Bucky’s eyes bulge out of his head. You throw your panties in the vicinity of the desk and reach down to undo Bucky’s pants. “What are you doing?!” He asks.

“I told you to trust me, I’ll get us out of this.” You unbutton his slacks and bunch up your skirt a little. “Lift me.” You instruct. Bucky catches on and lifts you, so your legs are wrapped around his waist. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and pull him close. “Go with it okay?” You say. Bucky gulps but nods and your lips meet in a searing kiss that makes you both moan out loud into each others' mouths. His hips begin to move instinctively, playing the part of a man who can’t keep his hands off of his girl. Bucky feels an usual sensation, kind of like a happiness he’s never felt before. As quick as he feels it, it goes away again.

You’re moaning loudly, alternating between passionate kisses and heavy breathing when Vizzini opens the door to his office and “catches” you, entering the room with two burly bodyguards. You gasp and fake panic.

“What the…?” He exclaims, his eyes bogging out of his head before he composes himself and continues. “This is my office, not a motel room!” You giggle. “This is not a laughing matter young lady, this is very inappropriate behaviour!” Bucky lifts you and places your heeled feet back on the floor and helps you rearrange your dress before tucking his shirt back into his slacks.

“We’re sorry Mr Vizzini, but when your girl looks like this, you have a hard time keeping your hands to yourself.” Bucky says as he wraps his arm around your shoulders.

“But this is my office!” Vizzini says, exasperatedly.

“We’re sorry but other rooms were occupied!” You say with a smirk. Vizzini nods and the two bodyguards rush out of the room, they return moments later, both red faced.

Vizzini nods again and turns to you. “We will not mention this again and our meeting Tuesday will go ahead.” Vizzini says. Before sitting at his desk and making a choked sound. “I think these belong to you.” He says, pointing to the black lace panties that had landed on the keyboard of his computer. You giggle and retrieve them from his desk, biting your lip as you do.

“Sorry again!” You giggle as Bucky wraps his arm around you and leads you out of the office. You head back to the party, makes it seem less like obvious that you’re involved in espionage.

You both carry on playing the devoted couple, you’re hanging off of him like someone who can’t get enough of their man. Sneaking kisses here and there, selling the bit. Vizzini reappears a little while later and blushes when you and he make eye contact, you smirk back at him and pull Bucky in for a kiss. It’s after midnight by the time your car has pulled up outside and you’ve said your goodbyes.

You’re still all over each other as you get into the car, smiling and waving to everyone as the car pulls away. You keep the act up until you’re on your way out of the Hamptons and on the free way before you separate, in case you were followed. You stay close to each other just so you can snap back together quickly if you noticed someone watching you or for when you get back to the brownstone that is your “residence” at least until this mission is over.

You can smell Bucky’s cologne and it’s been invading your nostrils since you walked down the stairs before leaving in the early evening. It’s lingering on your skin from how you’ve been all over each other all night. You recognise it as Sauvage, one of your absolute favourites. You can’t remember Bucky ever wearing it before, he’s usually a Hugo Boss guy, which is another of your favourites. You momentarily let your control slip (not for the first time this evening) and imagine what it would be like, to have Bucky’s affections and let happiness bloom inside you, but you stop it as soon as you feel it reaching your face.

Bucky has put so much effort into hiding how he feels, he feels like he’s suffocating right now. He feels something again, like a happiness that he’s never felt before. But it disappeared as quickly as he feels it. The truth is drowning him and he needs to tell you how he feels, the thought actually terrifies him though. What if you reject him? What if you don’t feel the same way?

He needs to talk to Steve, find out how to approach this because he can’t lose you before he’s even had you. The car pulls up to your brownstone and you both get out, his arm around your shoulders as you head up the steps. “I need to go run a quick errand I’ll be back soon, wait up for me?” Bucky asks.

“Of course, baby, I’ll see you when you get back.” You reply with a kiss on the lips, smiling at him as you unlock the door and step inside, closing it behind yourself and leaning against the door with a sigh.

Bucky runs to the bodega on the corner and uses their pay phone, making sure that he’s concealed before dialling.

“Hello…?” Steve answers on the fourth ring, his voice scratchy with sleep.

“How do I tell her? After everything, what do I say?” Bucky’s words are rushed out, not even telling Steve that it’s him.

Steve lets out a sigh. “Buck, just say what you feel. Honestly is the best policy. She needs to know what you feel is real and not because of what you’re both living right now. Open up, I think she will be more open than you expect. I’m going back to sleep now.” Steve hangs up and Bucky is more determined than ever.

He grabs a bottle of wine and some other items so it looks like he had a legit reason to be in the bodega, pays and heads back to your brownstone.

He unlocks the door, you’re not in the living room when he gets back so he quickly takes off the jacket of his tux and goes into the kitchen and puts the items he bought away. Bucky rolls the sleeves of his white shirt up his arms, grabs two glasses and opens the wine then heads upstairs.

You’re in your bedroom, you’ve taken off your dress and are wearing a short black silk robe. He walks in with the wine and goes to speak but the words die in his throat. He takes a deep breath and closes the door, you raise an eyebrow but take one of the wine glasses off of him as he pours the red wine into it. He pours his own, puts the bottle down and takes a big gulp from his glass.

“We need to talk.” The words rush out with his breath.

“About what?” You reply.

“I’m sorry.” Bucky says, looking straight in your eyes. “I act like I don’t trust you because it’s easier than admitting the truth, but the truth is what you deserve so here goes…” You look at him expectantly. Bucky takes another deep breath before he continues. “I like you and I have since we met, and it scared me because I’ve never caught feelings that quickly before. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever caught feelings like I have for you, with anyone. I think I…” he stops himself.

“You think you what?” You nudge.

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

You look into his eyes and the cerulean blue shows nothing but sincerity. He means it. He loves you. You contemplate telling him how you feel but actions speak louder than words.

You walk to Bucky, standing in front of him. You lick your lips he looks into your eyes, searching for hesitation and finding none. He reaches out for you, his hand grabs the back of your neck and he pulls you closer. His lips brush yours and your breath hitches in your throat. You look into each others eyes and you wrap your arm around his neck, pulling him closer and planting a firm kiss on his lips.

Your lips feel like they were made to kiss his, they slot together perfectly, like two halves of a whole. He sighs contentedly as your lips open to allow his tongue access, your tongues dance together, caressing each other as your bodies get even closer.

Something snaps in Bucky and he pulls you towards him, walking backwards until he’s against the wall. He spins you around and pushes you against the wall, breaking the kiss and leaving you panting for breath.

“I need you to say that you want this, please say you want this. I can’t bear one more moment without touching you.” Bucky says breathlessly.

“I want it, I want you.” You say and reach out for him again. He kisses you sweetly, pulls back and sinks to his knees. He plants a kiss on the inside of your knee which makes you shudder. “Fuck!” You moan out as his mouth kisses up your thigh, getting closer and closer to your centre. Bucky lifts your robe and groans out loud, noticing that you never replaced the underwear you removed in Vizzini’s office. He grabs your knee and lifts your leg, hooking it over his shoulder and moving his mouth to your mound, licking a stripe from your hole to your clit. “Holy shit!!” You moan out and grab Bucky’s head with one hand and scratching at the wall with the other.

Bucky groans at your taste and begins to practically make out with your pussy, his eyes glassed over as your juices drip down his chin. His uses two fingers on his flesh hand and teases your hole, gathering your slick until he can sink them into you, straight to the knuckle. He’s eating you with such fierce ferocity and fucking you with his fingers so passionately that your orgasm builds quickly. “I’m not gonna last much longer.. I’m gonna…” a long moan escapes your lips as your orgasm washes over you. You shudder and shake, struggling to breathe as you ride the waves of your climax, your cunt pulsating around his fingers.

Bucky’s oral ministrations slow as your orgasm dies down, and your breathing returns to normal. He removes his fingers and your leg from his shoulder, stands and unbuttons his shirt before removing it and using it to wipe his face. He stands there in a white vest, his face flushed and looks at you adoringly. Bucky undoes your robe and lets it fall off your shoulders, leaving you in just your bra. You reach out and undo his pants, pushing them down leaving him in just a pair of black boxers. You can see his erection straining the fabric, you want nothing more than to take what you can tell is an impressive member out of his underwear and show him how good your head game is. Bucky however has other ideas.

“Take off the bra, please. I need to see all of you.” He says, his eyes still glassy. You oblige and he groans out loud, he steps forward and pushes you against the wall again. He takes your left breast in his hand and massages gently, causing you to arch into him. He lowers his head and takes your nipple in his mouth, circling the tight bud with his tongue. Bucky stops and plants a searing kiss on your mouth, it’s sloppy, full of teeth and tongues. He pushes his underwear down as you’re kissing, depriving your view.

You still don’t get a glimpse as he grabs your ass and lifts you, your legs automatically going around his waist as you continue your assault on each others' mouths, it’s like you can’t get enough. Bucky breaks off the kiss as he looks into your eyes, the both of you are heavy breathing already. “Ready?” He asks, you nod. “Words baby.”

“Yes please!” You feel the head of his cock against your entrance, gathering as much of your creamy slick as he can. Before notching inside you, your eyes roll back in your head as he slides into your wet cunt, painstakingly slowly. He wants you to feel every inch, every vein, the way he throbs for you. Once he bottoms out in you, you release the breath you didn’t realise you were holding. Your arms are around Bucky’s shoulders, holding onto him for dear life. You’ve never felt so full, so… complete. There’s a slight sting and burn, you can only assume but there’s a very good chance that he’s big and girthy.

Bucky plants a kiss on your lips before he begins to move, sliding out of you, almost completely before sinking into you again. The air is knocked from your lungs, you feel amazing as his cock slides in and out of you at an agonisingly slow pace. You moan out loud at the sensation.

“Faster!” You groan out, frustrated at how slow he’s fucking you.

“All in good time, I need to feel you.” Bucky moans out, but pretty soon he can’t just revel in the feeling. He needs to move faster, chasing his end. His hips snap up quicker and your moaning increases in volume, that heat in your belly building again with each thrust of his hips.

Bucky takes your mouth again, kissing you with all of him as he fucks into you with abandon. Your moans and tongues intertwined, your heavy breathing entering each others' mouths. Your hands carding through Bucky’s hair, tugging gently on the strands at the nape of his neck. Each time you do it makes his hips thrust harder and makes him grunt. But you have to stop after a minute as the heat blooming in your belly expands more until it can go no further.

It snaps and blooms upward and downward, sending heat to your toes and making you see white. Your climax makes your head roll back and you let out a scream of pleasure. There’s a new sensation as your orgasm hits, the feeling of white-hot heat spreading through him. Happiness, love, every positive feeling ever shoots through him and the spasms of your cunt around his cock, prematurely sets off his orgasm. He has wanted to draw another two or three from you before his end but he can’t hold it back.

He roars out, even the way your climax muffled your hearing you heard him. You’ve never heard anything like that, the sound was primal, animalistic. Your breathing slows and you lower your head to look at him, he’s staring back at you, looking completely fucked out, but so do you.

“You okay baby?” Bucky asks, breathing heavily and pulling your face towards him so he can kiss you. You can’t even speak, you just about nod before he lifts you off the wall and carries you over to the bed. He lays you down and pulls his semi-hard cock out of you, which makes you whine. He goes into your en suite and grabs a washcloth to clean you up, before joining you on the bed. He pulls you close and you snuggle into his warm body, your hand rests on his chest, just above his heart.

Happiness blooms in his chest once more, a content feeling. He realises that you’re projecting onto him with your abilities but you’re too out of it to realise. The feeling is one of pureness, a feeling of love. Bucky realises he has had this feeling before, many times, the first time was the day he met you. He really did feel love at first sight, he didn’t think it was possible but it happened. And now you both knew how the other felt, there’s no way he was going to go back to the way it was. And you’re not leaving SHIELD. Not unless he leaves with you, because from now on, you are one.

THE END?

Posted 23/04/2024

[emotions-ew]

A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus,  and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman. 

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile 

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces. 

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists. 

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world. 

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists. 

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

-        The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

-        Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

 Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of 

 Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer. 

 All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be. 

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

-        Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

-        Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

-        Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

-        Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

-        Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

 Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

-          Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

-          Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

  How do I Get There; Deana Carter

-          This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

[themattress]

Battle of the Seasons

Infinity Train: Season 1 vs. Season 2 vs. Season 3 vs. Season 4

While I hope the present situation changes and the second half of this series gets made, at the moment these four seasons are all we have and I’d like to present my thoughts on them.

Book One: The Perennial Child tells the tale of Tulip, a girl whose frustration over her parents’ divorce reaches a breaking point and causes her to get swept aboard the Infinity Train. Traveling alongside the bipolar spherical robot One-One and Atticus, the noble king of the Corgis, Tulip goes from car to car working on her own personal issues while inadvertently becoming wrapped up in a conspiracy involving the train’s Conductor. This season was originally going to be the sum total for Infinity Train, and as such it is an immensely enjoyable and satisfying experience all on its own. The concept, the characters, the atmosphere, all of the twists and turns and the emotional stakes...everything is at the absolute height of quality. It’s the kind of story that resonates with both children and adults, as anyone can relate to struggling with feelings of helplessness and guilt over things in life that they cannot change.

If I had one nitpick, it’d be that the ending is kind of abrupt. After such an excellent climax aboard the train, the last scene with Tulip back home is way too brief - I feel we needed a little more time spent on that. Oh well, at least it still sends the closing message it needs to.

Book Two: Cracked Reflection centers around Mirror Tulip (”MT” for short) following her escape from the Chrome Car in the previous season. Still pursued by the Reflection Police who seek her destruction, MT joins up with a passenger named Jesse and a super-powered deer whom Jesse dubs “Alan Dracula”, and they travel together in the hopes of helping to resolve each other’s issues. While still of superb quality and getting to explore even deeper themes, I feel this season is a slight step down from the previous one since its focus isn’t quite so tight. Whereas Season 1 was undeniably Tulip’s story, Season 2 has a hard time conveying whether this is supposed to be just MT’s story or if Jesse is her equal as a protagonist. Also, it kind of peaks in the psychologically hard-hitting episode 8, with the following two episodes then going on to feel like something of a lackluster conclusion.

Book Three: Cult of the Conductor follows Grace and Simon, leaders of the heinous Apex cult from the previous season, as they become separated from their group and have a big, life-changing experience alongside a strange little girl named Hazel and her gorilla companion Tuba. I think just about everyone who watches this season has the same initial reaction: total numbness from shock, and a dazed “what the Hell did I just watch!?” feeling. There’s a damn good reason why this season is when the show switched from Cartoon Network to HBO Max: it is dark, it is twisted, it is miserable, it is bleak, it is frightening, it is uncomfortable, and it had no business being on a predominately child-oriented network; it’s frankly kind of a miracle it was even allowed to be made in the first place. Unlike the previous two seasons, I seldom had any fun watching this one the whole way through; it was an exercise in anxiety.

..........So yeah, Season 3 nabs my vote for “best season”.

Look, when you go Darker and Edgier on something and trade in fun for fucked-up, you had damn well be sure that what you are doing is compelling enough to warrant that. And by God, was this season compelling. From its horrifying beginning to its gut-wrenching middle to its bittersweet ending, I was captivated; I was downright enthralled. This isn’t some kind of cheap grimdark edge-fest: the psychological damage and painful emotions the characters go through here are so raw and so real, and it’s for that reason that even though its two leads are despicable people I found myself more emotionally invested in their journey than the previous main characters’. The presence of Hazel also helped: this is the kind of character that the “precious cinnamon roll too pure for this world” meme was invented for. More than anything else, I just wanted to see this poor child make it out of this terrible situation OK.

Lastly, we have Book Four: Duet, which focuses on childhood friends Ryan Akagi and Min-Gi Park whose friendship has become toxic as they near adulthood, and their numbers aboard the train are linked together so that they have no other choice to confront and repair what is broken in their bond if they are ever to leave. It’s definitely the weakest season, especially coming off of Season 3, as despite how old they are Ryan and Min-Gi’s personal conflict feels the most simplistic out of any seen thusfar (to make it worse, we hear about a past passenger named Jeremy who sounds like he’d have a more interesting story to follow) and their companion, a talking service bell named Kez, is more annoying than amusing. However, it’s by no means bad, and the writers did a smart by making it technically the first season chronologically, as its events precedes the previous three’s by several decades. That way, what we presently have of Infinity Train does kind of end on the high note that is Season 3.

Final score is Season 3 > Season 1 > Season 2 > Season 4. But this is subject to change if we hopefully are granted the second half of this outstanding animated anthology series.

[feynavaley]

What do you think about the slavic siblings? Their personalities and relations to each other?

Wow, that’s one loaded question! 😅 I’ll try to answer, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to in a satisfactory way.

First of all, a premise: like I have said in regard to other characters, the Slavic siblings aren’t among my favourite characters so I don’t have such a solid and well-analysed characterization for them as I do for others (chiefly, the FACE family members). Moreover, they’re quite complex characters and they appear a lot in canon which means that, without focusing specifically on them, it’s easy for me to have missed something. Nevertheless, I can try to give a brief answer (just touching what I think are some core aspects of their personalities) to the best of my abilities.

Ukraine

I’m starting with her because she sounds like the easiest one to pin down. She’s stabler than her siblings, at least. I see her as a woman who witnessed a lot of suffering during her childhood and had to mature quite fast because of it – but, instead of becoming jaded, she turned her suffering into empathy and compassion. Knowing so well what suffering means and how it can damage people, she does her best to always treat others with kindness and patience, to give them a chance to get better before writing them off as ‘bad people’. She has seen what violence does and she wants to break the cycle.

Her compassion makes her very motherly, too. Once she gets fond of people, she actively looks after them and their well-being. She’s the kind of person who is at her happiest when she sees the people around her happy. She thinks more about others than about herself – but not because she values herself little or because she has low self-esteem, it’s because she thrives in helping other people. She’s mostly happy with herself and wants to externalize this happiness, to see other people reach this level of satisfaction as well.

People can see her as weak because she isn’t loud, she has a tendency of being quite emotional, and she doesn’t assert herself unless it’s truly needed. She’s the kind of person who prefers to smooth things down instead of being stubborn. Yet, she can also be very firm when she wants to. In particular, I can see her being very protective of her family members.

Russia

Oh, where do I even start about him... he’s such a complex character that I really am not sure of how I see his characterization. I’ve seen many different takes and I found myself agreeing with and enjoying wildly different ones.

The thing about Russia is that I see him as a living, walking contradiction. The fandom is past the days when he was simply dismissed as ‘cruel’ or ‘evil’ and now tends to acknowledge his loneliness, the suffering he had to endure during childhood, and the wish he often expresses to get closer to other people. However, he also undeniably shows a cruel side at times. I can fully acknowledge that this may come from the fact he was subjected to so much violence that he ended up internalizing it as an acceptable way to behave, but this doesn’t change the facts. He doesn’t seem to care too much about hurting other people as long as he reaches his goal. I think both aspects of his character needs to be acknowledged. This duality is part of him.

The impression I ultimately got from Russia is that he’s an extremely self-serving person. He does care about other people, but only in relation to himself. If he’s nice to someone, it isn’t because he genuinely wants the well-being of that person but because he wants what that gesture brings to him: that person’s gratitude and potential friendship. I also think he can get to genuinely care about people (his family, for example) and, in this case, be upset if something happens to them because they are suffering and, conversely, try to make them happy not only because it would make them more well-disposed towards him but also because he just wants them to be. However, this is limited to a small circle of people. When anybody else is involved, I have the impression he just doesn’t care. Not that he would hurt them out of nowhere, but he wouldn’t see it as a problem if he needed to in order to get something he wanted. I don’t think he would enjoy it – but he wouldn’t regret it too much, either. Likewise, he wouldn’t stop to help them unless there was something in for him as well. It’s almost as if he didn’t actually have a sense of morality and of what’s wrong or right. He just takes what he wants and cares when he wants to. Almost like the way a child reasons.

Belarus

Belarus is another mystery, as far as I’m concerned. Like Russia, she seems to carry the scars of a harsh childhood. She’s determined and strong-willed, always working hard and doing her best to get what she wants, but also pessimistic and carrying frankness to the point of rudeness; she doesn’t seem to care at all about people outside from a few selected ones. Personally, I see this as the sign of a person who has suffered much and is trying to protect herself from further suffering by distancing herself from anything that could become a weakness. Moreover, I read her as one of those people who use the strength of will they developed to overcome their trials as a way to scorn people who didn’t manage to find the same strength. In other words, Belarus feels justified to hold in contempt ‘weaker’ people because by enduring what she did, she proved it’s possible to do so. Those who don’t manage just don’t try hard enough, in her opinion. They don’t deserve compassion. Just like her, they must bear their suffering alone. (This is why she’s always so blunt, too. She doesn’t see the point in softening the blow. If people can’t take the truth, they’re weaklings. They need to learn to do so.)

At the same time, Belarus isn’t a loner – from her interactions with Russia and briefly America, it almost looks like she needs to attach herself to somebody. And once she has found this person, her attachment and devotion reach unhealthy levels. Once again, this may be a result of her trauma. Maybe, having witnessed so much suffering makes her fear the same could happen to those few she cares about and she goes overboard trying to protect them. Or maybe, she feels lost without somebody ‘leading’ her. She spends so much energy building a wall around herself (to protect herself) that she has never had the time to figure out who she wants to be. She ends up dedicating herself fully to somebody because without that, she’d be nothing. She needs external validation and inputs to thrive. It may also be something else, or a mixture of things. As I said, Belarus is a character I have an extremely hard time pinning down.

The Three Siblings

Regarding the interactions of those three siblings as family, instead, I have to say that their familial unit looks almost healthier than the single individuals as it’s somehow adjusted around their flaws.

The one who brings everybody together is Ukraine. As I have already said, her big heart and maternal tendencies mean that she cares immensely for her siblings. She’s able to excuse their flaws because she sees where they come from and at the same time, she genuinely loves them. She wants the best for them; to see them thrive and at the same time, to be part of their lives. She’s the one who constantly checks on everybody and keeps suggesting they hang out together. She’s extremely protective if somebody hurts them, too.

Russia loves Ukraine deeply, of course. How could he not, when she offers him exactly what he yearns the most, affection and warmth? But it isn’t only this. I think Ukraine belongs to those few people Russia genuinely cares about. He mostly lets her do her own thing because he knows she’s capable enough, but he’s also very protective of her. Hurt Ukraine, and you’re dead. No questions asked.

Belarus cares for Ukraine just as much. She also often criticizes her sister, though. Ukraine is one of those people Belarus would consider ‘too weak’ due to her soft-hearted nature. However, Belarus also knows Ukraine too well to dismiss the strength her sister hides behind her kind nature. Belarus begrudgingly respects Ukraine. Moreover, for how much she doesn’t like to admit it, even Belarus is touched by how much Ukraine cares for her and treasures it deeply. Belarus is also very protective of Ukraine and may even be willing to behave a bit better if her sister is present.

In regard to the relationship between Russia and Belarus, instead... Two people with such baggage aren’t a good starting point for a healthy relationship. If we look at canon, the one between them isn’t.

Now, I want to spend a few words on Belarus’s ‘obsession’ towards Russia. I think her attachment stems from both the familial bond they have and her admiration for Russia’s strength; with her bleak outlook, she wants to associate with strong people. And, as I’ve said before, completely devote herself to him. About the ‘marriage’ thing, though – personally, I don’t think there’s a romantic feeling involved. The way I see it, what nations call ‘marriage’ isn’t actually a wedding but a mere political union, a contract. One that grants a personification some rights over another one, basically. There’s nothing about it that is like a human wedding, it’s mutually understood that no kind of feelings (or romantic/sexual relationship between the two parts) is involved. This is why even blood-related siblings can ‘marry’. So, Belarus wants to ‘marry’ Russia because this would be the best way to serve and protect him – both by being always by his side and by ‘rescuing’ him from other unions that could not be as favourable for Russia. Of course, she goes about it completely the wrong way, but all Belarus wants is to protect Russia and to be acknowledged by him as his ally and useful subject.

We know from canon, however, that Russia doesn’t answer well to Belarus’s obsession. He’s creeped out and annoyed by her. Still, I don’t think he hates her. He’s almost like an older sibling who doesn’t have patience for the younger ones. But deep down, he still cares for Belarus because she’s his – his sister and his family. He probably doesn’t enjoy Belarus’s company as much as he enjoys Ukraine’s, but that’s because of the way she behaves. If Belarus were a bit less obsessive, Russia would tolerate her better. He also isn’t so overtly protective of Belarus as he is of Ukraine, but this is because Belarus is more than capable of defending herself (and unlike Ukraine, she doesn’t let anything slide). I think that if somebody ended up actually hurting Belarus, Russia would react just as bad.

...

All these are just my impressions, though. And they might not even be all canon-compliant as I may have missed something. I still hope they make sense! But if you want to explore the slavic siblings, I’d recommend you to have a look at @chessna2, she’s certainly more expert about them than I am!

[girl4music]

Suicide/Self-Sacrifice/Manic-Depression

This may well be my best post yet regarding philosophical theories and artistic interpretations, using the characters and storylines from the show, ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, as a staple, if I can explain my thoughts and feelings on it well enough. I want to tackle the themes of ‘suicide’, ‘manic-depression’ and ‘self-sacrifice’. Some posts I’ve reblogged on Tumblr have inspired me to write down my take on these subjects, and the situations, circumstances and consequences that follow. This will probably be a very long post, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep on topic as much as possible, as this will be very hard to explain in a way that will not be offending, ignorant or just plain stupid. I want it to come across to people in a positive way!

Callisto:

The character Callisto was introduced in Season 1 and her story was very complicated. It was difficult to understand her consciously and morally for the awful things she was doing, and her reasons as to why she was doing them. Eventually there came to a point in the show where she felt she had nothing left to live for and she wanted to die. This was right after she heard the screams of Xena mourning the death of her son, Solan, in the Season 3 episode, ‘Maternal Instincts’. You see the expression of pure ecstasy on her face, as she had desired this for so long. To make Xena feel the pain and the grief she caused her when she burned her hometown and murdered her family. To give her a taste of the immense torture it had inflicted on her all throughout the years growing up alone and full of revenge, driving her to psychopathy. I’ve said this before, but I could never quite look at Callisto as a villain, as I could see she was so damaged and depressed, that she really couldn’t help becoming the way she did. I feel she was seriously misunderstood, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way about her. This scene in the episode was supposed to be her moment of accomplishment and relief. But then her facial expression begins to change to confusion and apathy. She realized it didn’t do anything to cure her condition, it only made her empty and numb inside. She was waiting for the relief to wash over her and for the pleasure to settle into her system and it didn’t. After so many years of wanting to destroy Xena’s soul, she finally got her wish… and it did NOTHING!

What brought her to the point of yearning for death was the fact that she couldn’t feel anything anymore. Not even her hatred for Xena… which was what was motivating her to hold on to her life to begin with. She believed the only meaning to her life was to destroy Xena’s. The delicious scent of fulfillment never came, and she was done with it. From that point onwards she craved oblivion, and unfortunately for her, since becoming a god, that wasn’t possible. The Olympian gods cannot take their own lives. Another must do it or they must get permission from Zeus, as their roles as immortals are important and too valuable to be wasted, according to the king of the gods. This was the fatal flaw in her plan. She wanted to live long enough to sate her vengeance. But what she ended up doing instead was giving herself no way out of her emotional and mental torment. What did, however, relieve her of that, as we see later in the show, was Xena sacrificing herself to save her soul from eternal damnation in Hell. Thus, as an angel, she was reformed and could forgive Xena without question. She helped Eli bring her and Gabrielle back to life, as well as provide her with what she once took from her. A child. A human life, that to which would conceal her reincarnated soul, giving her what Xena once took from her. A mother. Such a beautiful and satisfying end to her story. If she had found a way to destroy her existence, that would have never happened for her, as it was impossible for her to not experience consciousness. No matter which reincarnated body, denomination of the afterlife or alternate reality she was in. Committing suicide would not have helped anything. It would not have given her any kind of respite whatsoever. Suicide was not the answer. Xena’s self-sacrifice was. It was down to Xena to save her, as Callisto was well passed the point of saving herself.

Xena:

Now this is where I need to be very careful because I don’t want to upset anyone who has had personal experiences with losing loved ones to suicide, or give those who might have suicidal tendencies an excuse to act on them. I’m going to try my best to express myself in a respectful way regarding Xena’s story, and whether she was suicidal or not, as some Xenites have pointed out parts of the show where it’s explicitly implied that she was because she had no regard for her own life and felt she never deserved forgiveness. We’ll start off with the pilot episode, ‘Sins Of The Past’, as this is where her story starts after changing her ways and reforming into a heroine for the ‘greater good’. Turning away from her darkness, and her desire to destroy anyone who got in her way of conquering entire nations. We see her riding Argo into smoke-filled areas, where an attack has evidently struck. Her mind occupied with images and sounds of the sins of her past. Remembering all the lives she had destroyed physically and emotionally. She comes across a boy in the wreckage of the village she was passing by and gave him some food before speeding off out of the area. I personally think this scene was a delusion, as the boy was talking about how it was Xena who killed his parents, and that she came out of the sky “throwing thunderbolts and breathing fire.” I believe the boy and the decimated village was real but the experience he was relating was not. So, therefore, I feel it was just her deluding herself with the memories of the horrible things she had done, and the consequences it had on the lives of those she victimized and destroyed.

Next we see her in a wooded surrounding taking off her armor and leathers, leaving her in only her under-shift, and burying them, covering them with soil and leaves. It is here where it is possible she was thinking of committing suicide as we also see her staring blankly, presumably deep in thought at what she was about to do. Contemplating on going through with it, I would assume. Now if we go all the way to the second to last episode, ‘A Friend In Need Part I’, we see her do the exact same thing, only this time, her last look and thoughts were of Gabrielle, walking in the opposite direction, with absolutely no inclination of what she was about to do, which was to allow the army to kill her. We watch her put up enough of a fight to take out as many men as she possibly could, until finally meeting the general face to face as he cuts off her head, in first-person view, with blood covering the camera screen, shocking us all. She was allowing him to kill her as she could have easily stopped him if she had wanted to, as Gabrielle points out later. She evidently was wanting to die. So these parallels definitely allude to her being suicidal and caring nothing for her own life. Only Gabrielle’s and the people who were about to be attacked by Yodoshi’s soldiers. I don’t blame her to be honest. The 40,000 lives she had taken all those years ago would have drove her to that conclusion. Their blood on her hands, if only figuratively, making the decision for her. So considering those scenes, as well as her confession to Gabrielle, in the Season 6 episode, ‘Legacy’, that she was the one who changed her decision to “wanting it to end”, it is very conceivable she was plagued with suicidal thoughts throughout the entire show. And given this theory is accurate, it tells you Gabrielle saved her life without even realizing it from the moment she first met her. That is an astonishing revelation, and it completely changes the tone of the whole show. The thought that Xena could have been suicidal all that time. She was only happy when she was with Gabrielle, who she referred to as her “light” and her “source”. Her reason for existing at all. Therefore, what the meaning of life was for Xena wasn’t a theme of any kind. It was a living and breathing human, who seemingly enjoyed her life and was very peaceful about it to begin with… but was she really? We’ll get on to her next…

Gabrielle:

This is a perspective that might be a little bit of a reach, and there certainly isn’t any reason to make this show seem any darker than it already is from what I’ve talked about previously, but I feel I must include this character in this topic of conversation, as she is my favourite character in the whole show. @brifigy made an enlightening post that I would like you to read:

https://girl4music.tumblr.com/post/168126126575/girl4music-brifigy-girl4music-brifigy

I think @brifigy had a valid theory, and I’d like to elaborate on it to support it. I am quite observant, so I notice things others completely overlook. There are certain traits from Gabrielle’s psyche I want to bring to light to you all, in continuation of @brifigy’s theory. Gabrielle might have been struggling with manic-depression. However, because of her incredible capacity for emotional strength, she was able to hide it from the audience and convince them that she was a happy person, as she so evidently appeared to be from the outside.

You must look very deeply into her character to pick up instances of depression and mania. It is very probable she could have been manic-depressed. Obviously, back then, there was no such term or diagnosis available for mental and emotional disorders. It’s a very relevant and logical perspective to come to, as her character is very layered and complicated. Though, it’s rather hard to pinpoint exactly where it might have been accurate. This is my attempt at pinpointing moments in the show where this perspective makes sense, with my limited knowledge on manic-depression.

The first thing I want to mention is Gabrielle’s insistence to cater to and sacrifice herself for others, both physically and emotionally. We see this side of her right from the start. In her introduction scene, she is shown sacrificing her own life for the health and freedom of her family. The very same event that saved Xena from committing suicide… was also the one where Gabrielle offered her own life to the slave-traders. In fact, throughout the whole of the season we see her constantly doing this for others. Putting herself in harm’s way. Throwing herself in front of strangers. Doing dangerous tasks to prove herself as a responsible young adult, and worthy of being Xena’s sidekick. Bravely stepping up to the plate time and time again to protect and defend others, even with her lack of fighting skill and strength, all the while showing extreme naivety and recklessness.

But what for? What was her motive? Why did she behave this way? Why was she so compassionate and selfless? Well, if you’ve ever met someone who struggles with manic-depression, you will also most likely meet a person who is the most caring, kind and optimistic person you’ve ever encountered in your life, as this person is so tormented by their inner-demons, that they would never wish the same on others, and will endeavor to be a person who will always be there for others, and offer as much help and emotional support as they possibly can. They are usually very empathetic, artistic and adventurous. Always wanting a change in routine and schedule to keep them passionate about life. Always looking for meaning in everything, as they want to be able to give to the world their help and healing. The very thing they do not have for themselves or know how to give themselves. They are also somebody that always doubts themselves, and believes they have more faults than skills, but they express it in such a way where it seems like they’re not being serious. It just comes across as a funny passing joke. Laughing at themselves and their imperfections, but deep inside really struggle with them, and believing in themselves and their capabilities. They give to others what they cannot give to themselves. Pointing out their potential and strengths to lift that person’s confidence and vibration. They talk about subjects that refer to overcoming obstacles and finding the meaning of life. But you never really notice that they’re talking about themselves because they’re just so damn good at putting it into a non-personal way.

If this does not sound like Gabrielle to you in the first season, you haven’t really been paying enough attention, because I can point out many times where Gabrielle has shown these personality and behavioural traits, and not just in the first season either. Gabrielle had an immense evolution, and a lot of what happened to her in Season 3 made her really grow up. She became stronger and wiser because of it. Initially, she appeared to be an overly enthusiastic, loving life, kind of person. But was she just putting on a show? And if she was suffering with manic-depression, (or what has come to be known as ‘bipolar disorder’ nowadays) what caused this manifestation of mental issues in the first place? Childhood trauma, perhaps? It seems like Gabrielle’s first experience of trauma is in Season 2 and Season 3. But we have no idea what was going on before that in her hometown or inside her head. We’ll never know. But what we do know is that Xena saved her, as she confesses that in the Season 4 episode, ‘The Ides Of March’, as @brifigy​‘s post said. It’s as good a confirmation as any. 

Thank you, @brifigy for enlightening us with this insight into Gabrielle’s character. I merely only wanted to elaborate on it and support it. I hope you don’t mind. I’m done! That was long-winded, but I hope you took something from it. It’s a hard topic to talk about, but I thought I’d express my thoughts and feelings on it, thoroughly, anyway. If you got this far, thank you so much for reading. I love my Xenite family. I hope none of you ever take your own life, or put yourself in a situation where you could die, because you don’t care about yourself. You are deserving of so much in this world, and it would not be the same without you. Do not follow Xena!

IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK PRIVATELY… MY DM’S ARE OPEN!

[fusion-ego]

(I'm sorry in advance, Mattie ;w;) 💀💍🤕🧠📓for Evan

💀 Has your OC ever lost anyone to death? Multiple people? People close to them? How does the loss make them feel?

He lost his mother when he was about four years old after, well... We know what his dad did to her. To date she’s the only person he’s lost, to his knowledge, though he imagines he’s had other relatives pass. He was very close to his mother, being four and a mama’s boy, but in the end it obviously didn’t matter.

For a long time, before he knew she was dead and that his dad had killed her, losing her hurt him immensely and he felt betrayed that she had left and not taken him with her. Her being gone also led to, as a result of his father’s abusive actions, a lot of emotional immaturity (later becoming a lack of ability to express anything but extremes except in specific circumstances) and a deep set vulnerability, which his how Lochlier was able to draw him into her inner circle after they’d been friends a while.

Now, as an adult who knows his mother didn’t abandon him, and who has come to terms with her having died trying to start the process of getting him out of his father’s house, it still hurts him. He’s come to terms with it, but it’s still a feeling that always makes his chest ache - he never knew her, not really, and he wishes he would have had the chance to get to know her. And, of course, he’s always terrified to lose Ash because he has the same level of whole-hearted love and adoration for her that he, as a child, had for his mother. It’s not the same kind of love, but it’s just as intense.

💍 Does your OC have a specific item that is priceless to them but may (or may not) be completely worthless to someone else? Is there a story behind this item or is it just because they like it so much?

Evan has two items of this nature - the bracelet he wears at all times, and his mother’s wedding ring. The bracelet is something Ash made for and gave to him, and he wears it, again, at all times. He wouldn’t take it off if his life depended on it. His mother’s ring, well... Someone else may find value in it, but never the same value he finds. His attachment to both items is 100% sentimental, and losing either one would probably crush him. Although he has been thinking about giving the ring to Ash...

🤕 What is the worst injury your OC has ever suffered? Do they have any scars or lasting physical reminders of it? Do they get sick often or have any lasting medical conditions?

He won’t talk about it, and most people (including his wife) don’t even know about it, but the worst injury he ever received came when he was 14 and stood up to his dad for the first time. He ended up at the bottom of a flight of stairs with several broken ribs - one of which nearly punctured his lung it had snapped so severely, and this was primarily a result of lifelong malnutrition at his father’s hands. He has a very faded scar from the surgery it took to re-set his ribs into the proper position, as despite his body being in shit shape he heals quickly and the scar, while it may be known to Ash, doesn’t really look like anything terrible.

He doesn’t get sick often, but he did when he was younger because he would overeat when given the chance, which would leave him sick for days or weeks while his body tried to process the nutrients. Now, his body is stronger and he eats regularly enough that he’s in good shape. In terms of lasting conditions, he does need to be careful not to overexert himself, since he can never be sure his lungs aren’t permanently damaged from that ‘fall’ down the stairs.

🧠 Talk about your OCs mental health! Do they have any specific triggers or ways to practice self care? What are some things that are more difficult for them to do because of their mental health?

Evan’s primary response to trauma is to bottle it and put it away, and his mind helps him keep anything worse than what his dad usually did out of his mind for the most part... But calling him ‘worthless’ will give him a panic attack, and even the threat of not eating at least one meal a day will do the same thing to him but on a much worse scale.

Self-care for him usually amounts to a snack, a drink of water, and brushing out his hair, since eating and drinking keeps him out of fight-or-flight mode and reminds his body he’s not starving, and brushing his hair is soothing. He’ll also sometimes take a bath, and if Ash is around he’ll sometimes let her brush his hair and style it, since he trusts her very much and letting her play with his hair is about the only way he can let himself fully relax and not be The Strong One.

He has a lot of trouble indicating when he’s having a hard time in a way that other people will actually understand - most of his tells are nonverbal and were worked out specifically so that his friends growing up would understand and no one else at all would, and the verbal ones usually boil down to him verbally lashing out when he’s having a bad time.

His upbringing and the associated trauma made it very hard for him to feel comfortable being weak or not 100% in control of himself, so it all boils down to “this man doesn’t know how to ask for help and is unwilling to learn how because his brain refuses to acknowledge that there are people around him now who love him unconditionally and want nothing but the best for him”, as well as “this man has so much trauma and has built up so many walls to hide it from other people and hide from it, himself, that he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and can’t form attachments unless he’s in a very vulnerable state, which has a very long track record of working out poorly”.

📓 Write a typical diary/journal page by your OC! (or if you’d rather not, describe their journal. Do they keep one, why?)

Dear Journal,                     July 22, 2008

Been talking to Loch and Ash a lot lately. Tobi, too, sometimes. He’s around less often, I guess.

Ash keeps telling me I should talk to Loch about my dad, but you and I both know that’s not gonna happen, don’t we? I haven’t even told Ash anything specific, there’s no way I’m just spilling my guts to Loch about it. She’s great and all, but... Ugh. No.

Raleigh finally told all of us what we’ve known since Lily Rogers moved here - that she’s into chicks. We told her, “Duh, you’ve been drooling after Lily for two years, gay ass, you think we didn’t notice”. She laughed at that. She showed up to our hangout yesterday with the left side of her head shaved wearing combat boots, ripped jeans, a band tee, and a fucking short sleeved hawaiian shirt. That girl never does anything halfway, guess I shouldn’t have expected her to step politely out of the closet - nah, she kicked the door in half and emerged with like, a stylist and backup break dancers.

She was real confident when she showed up which was great. Then Kris called her hot and she turned into a tomato, it was hilarious.

It’s the same shit, different day with dad. But he actually went grocery shopping this week and didn’t put all of it in the locked basement pantry and fridge. There’s like, actual food in the kitchen! I’ll have to try not to make myself sick this time.

I’m also thinking about asking Ash out. I’ll probably wait, though, and see if we keep talking. I know it’s been like a year, but we’re only just now getting into talking about important stuff. What if she doesn’t like me once she realizes I’m an asshole with a shitty temper and probably going to end up killing her if we ever meet each other in real life? I wouldn’t blame her, but it would still suck.

Dad’s home.

Write tomorrow.

Jay   Evan

Evan kept a journal from about May 2007 until January 2009, but didn’t write in it often. It was a one-subject notebook filled primarily with angry pen doodles and short rants about his father, although he did have some regular entries in it like the one above. He documented a lot of what his dad actually did to him in that journal, and although he’ll tell anyone who asks that he threw it away years ago, it’s in his toolbox and sometimes he reads back through it.

[lswritingdesk]

7. Furling

When Kyrie fell asleep that night, she felt the familiar pull of the Dreamscape. She entered curiously. It had been a while since she had felt compelled to enter the Dreamscape the way she had felt compelled to enter the Fragment. 

When she exited the vines covering her side of the garden, she could see that Daniel was already waiting for her in the centre of it. He was smiling at her in a way that made her slightly uncomfortable. 

“This is new,” she commented, gesturing to the garden. “Summoning me here instead of to your base.”

“I went to sleep with your rock in my hand,” Daniel said with a cocky grin. “It worked.”

“I can see that,” Kyrie replied. “Why is it that you summoned me?”

“I’ve just come from an interesting place. I know what you are,” Daniel said. Kyrie tried not to freeze on his words. “We went to a planet that once was the meeting place of four great races. We recognised the writing of the Nox and the Asgard. There was a third writing, that we called the Ancients. And then there was a fourth, indecipherable except for the name of the race. The Furlings. You. You’re a Furling.”

Kyrie contemplated her response. Elder Rhea couldn’t very well blame her for revealing something Daniel Jackson had deduced on his own. “And you came to this deduction all on your own?”

“It makes sense. You said you had an alliance with the Asgard, you knew of the Nox, you withdrew from the galaxy. You. Are. A. Furling. You are a being of the fourth race.”

“I can’t very well deny it after you put it all together,” Kyrie said at last. 

“But why? Why be so secretive? Why withdraw from the universe?”

“When the Ancients left, and the Goa’uld began to crop up, and the Replicators began to threaten the Asgard...we decided that it was best to withdraw completely. We grounded all of our interstellar ships. The shipyards are rusting, before you ask. We closed off all of our colonies. We cloaked Illyria. For all intents and purposes, we disappeared. It was for our own protection.”

“But you could be helping the Asgard in their fight against the Replicators right now! You could have prevented the Goa’uld from rising to power if you had stayed.”

“I cannot and will not make excuses for my Elders or predict what we could have done. What we could be doing. It’s not my place. I am a Scholar, Daniel, not an Elder, not even an Elder to be. My sacred geometry did not predict that. I cannot simply criticise my governing body like you are asking me to do.” Kyrie’s voice sounded thick. 

“But you’re a Seer, and you said Seers had the power to guide-“

“Not that kind of power,” she responded uncomfortably. For once, Kyrie wanted to be the one with her head in her hands. “Look, I’m uncomfortable with some of the things I am directed to do, I admit. I did not want to conceal things from you. There are things I must yet conceal. I must ask you not to reveal what I am, should the occasion arise that I finally introduce myself to others of your kind. And I ask the Alchemy that you do not fall into the hands of a Goa’uld or other enemy who finds out of our existence from you…” Kyrie sighed. 

“I’m...sorry. I did not think of that. That the Goa’uld could have learned of you through me if…”

“By the Alchemy, it will never come up. But you must understand that our situation has become more complicated now. You cannot tell the Asgard of me, either, understand. It is very important...you must…the journey you are on right now is one that you must take alone with the Asgard for now. I- we- cannot help. Yet.”

“Well, that at least makes sense.”

“It does?” Kyrie asked, genuine surprise in her voice. 

“Yes. We must prove ourselves to the other races one at a time. We probably couldn’t handle two at a time. So yes, it makes sense.” 

“Oh. I will still be here, of course. I can answer questions- probably more, now that you know what I am. I just can’t offer you the aide you seek.”

“If you had just told me from the start, this would have been so much simpler.” Kyrie sighed. 

“Perhaps. Perhaps it would have been harder. It would have been nice if the Fragment had shown me this,” Kyrie said. 

“Not omnipotent, eh?” Daniel said with a smirk. 

“I never claimed to be,” Kyrie said, an edge to her voice. “Visions in the Fragment offer guidance, and then I must interpret that guidance to offer my own guidance.”

“So I’m getting secondhand guidance, is what you’re saying?”

“If you want to put it that way, yes. I would never lie to you outright.”

“But you would, as you say, conceal things from me.”

“I was ordered to. Surely there are things that you are ordered to do yourself that you do not like?”

“Yes, but-”

“Then you must respect that I have aspects of my life that are much the same. You and I are not that much different, Daniel Jackson.”

“You’re an alien with the power to see beyond and see my future, but if you want to call us ‘not that different’, sure, go ahead.”

“It is comments like that that make the Asgard and my Elders make comments of their own that allude to your race as children. You are one of the better of your kind. I expected better of you.”

“That was harsh.”

“That was the truth.”

“I’m glad I know what you are. I can learn so much from you.”

“If you could see it, you would see that I was rolling my eyes at you.”

“I still don’t fully understand the veil. Our conversations would make so much more sense if I were able to see your facial expressions. When others of your society veil, are their veils aways so opaque, or is that just a Seer thing?”

“I’m going to regret you knowing that I’m a Furling. You should just save your questions and live with us for a Cycle.”

“I’d rather know now.” Kyrie sighed.

“No, the veils are not always opaque. My mother veils because she likes it, but she wears sheer blue veils that match her outfits. And hers aren’t electronic like mine is. My eyes were damaged by the Fragment the first time I went into it. I can adjust how much light enters my field of vision with an electronic veil so that I can properly see. Seers wear opaque veils because our eyes are...unsettling to most.”

“In what way?”

“If you were a Furling child, I would demand an apology for nosiness.”

“But I’m not a Furling child.”

“No, you are a Scholar, and I am in a deep hole with you. When my eyes were damaged, they became an opaque, milky white. It is the Mark of the Seer. Most people don’t want to see that, so we veil.”

“That seems a little unfair to you.”

“It is the way we have lived for thousands of Cycles. I do not mind it. Besides, I get away with a lot of facial expressions that I would otherwise have to make apologies for were I not veiled, because I am terrible at masking my emotions. I was constantly having to apologise for them as a child.”

“I take it apologies are big in your society? You’ve mentioned having to make public ones before.”

“Ah yes, for the swimming clothes and the public rudeness. That was...not fun. My mother shrieked at me over the holoscreen for my indecency despite my explanation. Yes. We are an ultra-polite society. There are standard apologies for most everything. Your Colonel will offend a great many of us when he comes to visit. I do not need a Vision to know that.” Daniel chuckled at this.

“He offends a great many people on our world as well. It’s kind of his thing.”

“Mmm. I advise you to do the bulk of the talking on your official visit here.”

“And you won’t give me a hint of when that might be?”

“You know me better than that by now, Daniel.”

“It was worth a try.”

“If we stay here talking, will our bodies experience actual rest?”

“Not entirely, so no, I will not let you keep me here the entire time to answer your questions. Besides, time passes differently in the Dreamscape than in the real world, never mind the differences between Illyria and Earth. I do have a job and a life, as do you. They will come searching for me if I do not appear on time, and though my Krewe leader is somewhat understanding of my...situation, I do not wish to overstep my boundaries with them. I’ve already fainted once on the worksite and left early another time.”

“Your work, do you enjoy it?”

“Immensely. Our forebears are fascinating. They did not use the Fragment or Seers to guide their lives as we do now. Learning about them and adding to the body of knowledge is quite satisfying.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve been to dozens of worlds now, and we’ve learned so much about Earth cultures just from visiting other worlds- it has been amazing. Some worlds are like living museums. I wish I could spend more time studying, but unfortunately my team is assigned to do a lot more than just study.”

“You will have your fill of studying one day, Daniel.”

“Another Vision of my future?”

“No, just a hunch. Everyone retires from active roles in their own time to do research, at least on Illyria. I suspect it’s the same on Earth.”

“Why isn’t the Seer destined to bring the Tau’ri to Illyria an Earth scholar instead?”

“That would be too easy. We have Earth scholars. There are more Furlings than you think on Earth monitoring different Timelines and ensuring that events happen as planned.”

“That’s a little…interventionist.”

“We’re all over the universe. It’s what we’ve always done. As soon as Lakme and Lakira charted the stars, we were out there, in the universe, doing what we did best.”

“But I thought you said your ancestors didn’t follow the Fragment or Seers?”

“They didn’t, not at first. They didn’t understand the Fragment for a long time. But there was just this innate sense of knowing among our people of how to guide civilisations or people or places along the right path without fully getting involved.”

“For millennia, leading right up to you.”

“Leading right up to me.”

“I suppose this is where I should stop asking questions and let you go with grace.”

“Perhaps for now. I have answered many of your questions tonight without very much ducking about the subject. You should be glad.”

“I am. Thank you for not ducking my questions tonight.”

“Thank you for not dragging me into the Fragment. The Dreamscape is a far kinder place to meet. Stay well. We will meet again soon.”

“I hope so. You stay well, too.”

--

@luckyninetales

[eshithepetty]

wholesome mp100 things:

(Because I really like to ramble about this show and I just thought I'd compile some things I appreciate about it):

Bottling up feelings? Nuh uh, bad idea, better have realistic and well paced development of you opening up more and learning to accept your emotions, kiddo.

Self!! Respect!! Not just learning it in a 'oh, I love myself, flaws and all' way, but the actual process of trying really hard to actually be proud of oneself, even when it's hard to see yourself as anything but terrible. It's all in the gradual changes and small moments of taking your own feelings into account!!

An actual adult? Actually acknowledging?? How actually fucked up all the shit the kids of the show have to go through is??? And going out of their way to lessen their weight of responsibility, and to protect them and offering them comfort, like,,, yes please!!!

'Huh...? You want? World domination?? What a ridiculous concept. What are you even going to do with that? People need other people, dummy. Honestly, you're acting more childish than the actual children here.'

Everyone!! Is!! Equal!! Yes, you may have god-like powers that could literally fling me into the stratosphere and I might be an actual sewer rat incarnate, but as people?? We all still long for the same validation. We all have the same rights. We're all human.

Not?? Sexualising any of the female/kid characters? Tbh, I don't really feel at my best giving points to a show for this, since it shouldn't be that surprising in the first place, but still, and I think this is easily overshadowed by all the thirst Bones has for Reigen, but that's the thing! They're putting all their (tbh not that creepy really and in character) fanservice into one grown man and that's!! Really great! Thank you Reigen for being our sacrifical lamb

On the subject of not sexualizing kids, Tsubomi, Mob's crush, while being portrayed as very pretty, is not sexualized at all either, and Mob's fantasies about her entirely consist of them just,, doing stuff like holding hands and walking home together?? Not even kissing or anything like that??? It's just so innocent and cute, gosh... also the fact that Tsubomi and the rest of the girls aren't stereotypes, but have their own lives that don't revolve around the boys and interesting personalities that are very distinct from each other, even if they don't get as much screentime as the boys :> (also, Tome being a protagonist in the Reigen spin-off manga!!)

Dealing with anxiety and dependency and manipulation/abuse, when you're an adult?? I honestly can't say I've seen too much of anything concerning this anywhere,,, Serizawa is so good

And all the adults for that matter!! All the villains! Their redemption arcs are all about intergrating into society again and learning to have a realistic worldview and all around getting well rounded as people. That's pretty inspiring, imo!

Also, Reigen, an adult, realising that he was being unfair to Mob, a kid, and specifically saying he was 'caging him in', instead of using excuses like 'trying to protect him" and trying his hardest to fix his life and mistakes before confronting him, and when he does, doesn't expect Mob to accept or forgive him or want to be friends with him again?? And tearing up for the first time on the show just from being a called good person by him,,,? That was honestly so tearjerking and pure and that arc made me feel the full range of human emotion.

Speaking of Reigen, the fact that all of his friends, for the longest time, are a bunch of middle schoolers, and that he has basically fathered them all is such a funny, yet heartwarming and also a bit sad and complicated thing, all at once, to think about.

The body improvement club!!!!! Super supportive and protective jocks, the absolute opposite of toxic masculinity. Thank you ONE for bringing us this gift.

The fact that every one of Mob's friends would likely kill, or at least give a very stern lecture to anyone who ever tries hurting him is amazing and sweet. The same goes for Mob, a big pacifist at heart, putting his strict morals on hold and fighting just for the safety of his friends, and sometimes even strangers or enemies. They're all just so protective and I absolutely love it,,,,

By the way!! Mob!!! I love that he's not a stereotypical cinnamon roll protagonist who is always pure. Like, he has his dark moments. He has hurt people. Sometimes, he's geniunely scary. But the fact that he's so aware of his faults and how much damage he could inflict, and thus tries so hard to better himself every day and to always stay on good morals, and always strives to understand and help people above all else, even through all the suffering he's gone through and all the power he posseses, is what truly makes him so kind and lovable. He's just.... grown so much. I'm immensely proud of him <3

Power of friendship, but done right, because they don't use bonds as some convenient power up, but rather primarily as a tool for character development, that, in turn, helps them become better and more stable and capable people ^^

The fact that the protagonist getting stronger in this show doesn't mean them gaining more power or becoming more book smart, but instead entails them learning to better understand people and to let others understand them as well so that confrontation can be as civilized and nonviolent as possible and become a better tool for helping everyone involved improve themselves is such a direct yet nuanced way of presenting how solutions can be made to real world problems and conflicts, and it's just such a different aproach to the usual shonen aesthetic of power being the defining factor on deciding who wins or loses.

In fact, a lot of the time there is no clear 'winner' of a fight. Sure, we certainly get to understand which side is stronger physically, but the impact those factors play into the characters' mental states and development is usually very removed from those results. A character technically winning can result in them plunging into a meltdown full of self loathing. A character losing often brings a very positive change in their life. Those experiences change the characters in different ways than just winning - positive or losing - negative.

The message that you don't need to be special! Everyone is fundimentally equal, so you being more or less special than anyone else is just flawed as a mindset. Reaching for the top is alright as long as you remember that the thing that matters the most is just trying to be kind.

Mob being widely recognized as autistic in the fandom!! A lot of characters having the capability to be seen as neurodivergent, actually. But even if it isn't intentional coding from the creator, all the messages about how people expressing themselves differently doesn't make them any less human or valid, how conventional isn't always the best, how being empathetic can manifest in wildly different ways and also the reoccurring theme of dealing with trauma etc. are still very much there and impact the narrative and characters a whole lot.

How the story was even able to become so popular, despite the nature of ONE's art!! Also, how the anime creators decided to stay faithful, even tho they had the opportunity to change the art style to something more conventional and not go as hard as they did, but nope, they admire and respect the source material and clearly have so much passion for this project, putting all kinds of talent and creativity and effort into every episode!!! They seem like they're having a lot of fun with it, and I'm very glad.

(Feel free to add more!!!)

[swiftwidget]

Ok not a fan of the endeavour redemption arc BUT i know im bias because endeavour reminds me of my own father and my first instinct is to flinch away...but Im working through it (its actually helping me cope with my own emotions) and even i can see that the hate towards bnha for it is fuxking stupid and people need to chill out. Like dayum, people change and while it can be painful for all involved its better than leaving him an abuser

I’m sorry you’ve been in a tough situation. I hope things improve or have improved for you. I’m glad this arc is helping you work through things. 

When it comes to Endeavor personally, if he was a real person I’d dislike him immensely and be skeptically hopeful if he were attempting to improve. I mean, I’ve dealt with people that try to change and fall back on things or try to change and slowly do. (Not as extreme, but I myself have bad personal habits that I struggle to change and improve upon and get frustrated with myself when I fall back on bad habits.) 

However, as a fictional character, Endeavor has become so much more interesting since Kamino. And precisely because he’s a fictional character, I really enjoy seeing this development and how the narrative and other fictional characters react to this. 

(Reminder, he is fictional. You can like/enjoy fictional characters without condoning their actions. I mean, how many people absolutely love the villain characters? Villain characters that have killed, stolen, maimed, etc. Like I said, you can enjoy characters without remotely condoning or normalizing their actions.) 

Endeavor is a man that hated the idea of Plus Ultra (that says a lot about him), who didn’t push his quirk to the max and beyond until it was the only choice to survive a crisis situation in his first major fight as defacto Number 1 Hero. Endeavor is driven by Envy of All Might and Fear of Pushing Himself Too Far Leaving Him in a Weakened State. And this moment here:

Is the moment he’s actually taking responsibility for his own ambition and his current status. Pushing beyond his internal fear of inferiority and actually doing his damnedest because he is the only option.  

Before being thrust into the number one spot, he’d essentially given up on his own ability to cross the gap between himself and All Might. He was the Number 2 Hero because he pushed until this point: 

Here he looks younger (we see this was likely years ago, when Hawkes was a child) and this may have been the point he changed tactics and switched to trying to “create” a child that could carry his DNA/legacy and surpass All Might. And yes, that was incredibly unhealthy, abusive, and just plain gross. Also, apparently a social issue that wasn’t unheard of - quirk marriages were already a problem within quirk society so Endeavor’s actions don’t exist in a vacuum. He was and is an incredibly flawed but realistic fictional character. 

And that is what makes him interesting now. At Kamino, he had that moment of flashback and horrible realization. He was forced to face the facts that All Might is a human, a man, someone that would grow old and eventually retire. Endeavor only ever saw the Symbol of Peace, Strongest Hero, and ideal to surpass. Not a man that could be injured and fall. (That was the fatal flaw of the Symbol of Peace - it couldn’t last forever, even if Toshinori was never injured.)In that one moment, he is faced with the hard truth. Everything he did, everyone that suffered because of his impossible ambition, it was all for nothing. For a goal that Endeavor (subconsciously?) allowed to be controlled by outside forces. He could never obtain his own goal, so he chased the shadow of it and pushed others further than he would ever push himself.  

That jarred him. To be the defacto Number 1. To have in his hands what he wanted, and it isn’t satisfying. It isn’t the same. And let’s remind ourselves, that this man is a pro-hero. In him there is some part that works for the good of society - even if he was a shit person to his family and individuals around him. 

And right now, he is all society has. The flawed second choice. A mock mirror of All Might. 

By beating the High End Noumu and mimicking All Might’s stance, he solidifies his place as Number 1. In this moment, for this moment, putting society at ease. He’s their only option. He isn’t a great one. But he’s trying. That’s better than not changing, not trying. 

 And here: 

It seems some folks are taking this as forgiveness from Shouto. It isn’t. It’s simply, finally the acknowledgement that Endeavor is making an attempt for change. This is Shouto saying “I’m watching. You want to change? Prove it.” in a emotionally charged moment. 

And of course it is an emotionally charged moment for the Todoroki family. Just like Endeavor is not the ideal Number 1 Hero society needs, but is the only one society has. Endeavor is the only biological father they have. Despite everything, I do not think they would want him just dead. They want him to change. At least then his active damage would stop and allow the family to heal from the older wounds. Neither of those things is forgiveness. 

TLDR: Endeavor is a complex, flawed, and realistic fictional character and Horikoshi is doing a good job carefully handling Endeavor’s attempts at being a decent person. So, people hating on the arc and Horikoshi need to chill, wait until the arc is done, or just stop reading if they cannot deal with the arc’s handling of a difficult subject. Don’t be a gross entitled fan that attacks content creators for writing flawed characters. Be a good fan or walk away. 

Anyway, Anon. Thank you for your question. I’m glad you sent it and yeah, I agree. Folks need to chill and recognize good, complex writing when they see it. 

[boutonniered-blog]

(( this isn’t really here or there, ive just got cowboy dnd on the mind and ruminating over dming again. its about accessibility and why its humm important!!!

but anyways- accessibility is like, really important to me? i struggle immensely with dyscalculia- i struggle to make sense of graphs, clocks, use my damn calculator, rudimentary math for even adding or subtracting rolls is kind of beyond me or else it takes far too long to comfortably fit into the span of time of a turn, counting the number of days until or past something, etc: it stinks, because im often looked down on for being Not Really Smart or being Lazy And Not Applying Myself because while i am academically gifted in language arts and those soft skills easily transfer to other subjects, i have always struggled with math- i didnt know how to rearrange basic equations until the year before senior year of highschool. 

and while i can cope and muddle my way through things (i used to memorize equation variants all the way up until i hit the wall with academic physics and broke down, for example) its like. tiring, and embarrassing, to be the person who can’t do the seemingly simple basic mental math to calculate how much older an older siblings is or whatever else.

and like for the longest time i have wanted to play dnd, only i was immensely intimidated because of how much math is involved with debuffs and buffs and rolling for stats and saving throws and all that and- i was really sad because i wanted to play, but i felt like i couldnt because I Just Wasnt Smart Enough To, even though i was confident in my improv and general writing abilities having done roleplay and ran my own arg before. and it SUCKED missing out on this hobby that i really, ardently wanted to join in on, but felt ashamed and stupid and incapable of playing because... brain broke on main! and it was really, really embarrassing. 

anyways! fast forward to my dnd group over the summer- although i had butchered and cribbed the stats layout and mangled google sheets into making very rudimentary, basic scores, of 1-5 and short explanations of what each did to contextualize these linguistically for myself, and a consensus to basically just one One Fucking Die (d20) for Everything and then a d6 for damage because the general health was ~25 or so to make it easier on me, and was basically just a combination of para and script rp, i was getting like. really overwhelmed with tracking damage, especially with the confusion of having Many Characters At Once and also, healers, so i often lost track and would get flustered as hell while playing dm and very. upset on main about it because i felt like Ohghgh. Elle Being Dumb Baby Again

but! one of my friends, hes in school for compsci and programs stuff, he made me!! a little discord bot!! and “courtney” as she was dubbed after one of the npc healers, like, could do the math on peoples healing and damage and also reset it at the end of matches. i like legitimately cried when he showed me her and the little guide on how to use her too with Examples... because i struggle a lot with parsing through how to operate discord bots and frequently have to summon up their to do commands list thing Pretty much every time, and, like, bro

like it seems like a little thing Maybe in terms of her use in game but it Really made it so much fucking easier for me to manage what was going on. especially because if i had trouble reading the numbers or figuring out the damage, other people were able to use the command prefix to like Do It For Me and usually what would happen is we would designate it as Someone’s Job For The Night To and like... it was so much more fun and engaging and i didnt have to like, stress out or be upset over not being able to do math and like? Bro. I Got Emotional, same as how when i figured out that i could use our rollbot for basic math and i still use that little guy in fucking every day conversation when it comes to ages or months or stuff but like

the point being? i was really upset and sad over being excluded or Struggling with something that was supposed to be fun because of stuff i couldnt help, and it really made me so fucking Happy to be able to participate just like everyone else but also that my friend recognized a need that he could fill and Went Ahead And Did That like. wow. im emotionally squishy. the fact that my friends were patient and accommodated my Whack ass “baby dnd” or loose approach to letting them choose their own stats rather than rolling and discussing how many turns should something last and keeping track of it, didnt mind me fucking running to the rollbot for like five times three or something, were cool with helping with courtney like.... Uhm.... MY HEART?

and so tl;dr: adjusting stuff so that Everyone can have fun is like... really important... and i appreciate it SO much because i wanna have fun! just like everyone else, yknow? Thasnk i love to talk

[dwindlingashesburnt]

Tw - talk of self harm, suicide, etc

There was a point in my life where I thought everyone hated me. Strangers, friends, family, classmates, teachers, anyone. I thought they all hated me, and that they were deliberately making me suffer for their amusement, and that there was nothing I could or should do about it.

Before and during this point I'd had the mentality of "it's my fault. Of course it has to be my fault, there must be something wrong with me, I must be doing something bad, why else would they say such things, make me feel this way? Why would I feel this way about them, and about life?" And added to the first paragraph....I ended up in a weird sort of limbo where I was immensely paranoid, had immense self hatred, was nigh suicidal, and thought if I took one step out of line I would be killed, as though it were a public execution. But I also thought everyone may as well have been gods compared to me, therefore I had no right to think badly of them or anything they did, and there word was law. So if my mother snapped at me to stop sulking, that was it, all thoughts related to that subject were repressed as was the emotion, covered over with a neat layer of faked happiness that was coated in fear I wouldn't let myself express (Yeah, majorly fucked up I know) but this two things kind of counteracted each other in a weird way that left me feeling I had no control or right to control my own thoughts, feelings, opinions, actions...And I didn't control them. But this meant, with intense self hatred that wasn't permitted, I was in a fog of miserable apathy near constantly

And then. I came across a bunch of resources and responses from friends (when I broke and asked them for help) that said oh, don't self harm. Oh, don't commit suicide. Oh, don't damage yourself.

And yeah, this is a good message. And normally would be helpful. But with the utterly fucked mentality I had at the time? The message that actually got through to me was more along the lines of "You could potentially make this all stop, permanently, and have peace. This is not allowed. It will not stop and if you dare try to make it stop you will not like what happens, trust me, you will fucking regret it. You are not allowed to damage or hurt yourself in any way, you do not control your body. You do not own your body. We have more right to it than you do and if it's not how we want it for our amusement, you will suffer. We want you to suffer. We do not want to see the evidence of your suffering, you will try to hide it so we can laugh at you." Did anyone say this? Hell to the fucking no. Was this the message that I received? Unfortunately, yes. I was too fucked to realise they were just trying to help me, that they were concerned.

So, then. A somewhat counterproductive part of my recovery process was learning that I was allowed to hurt myself - it's not a great idea and I probably shouldn't do it because it's bad for my health and indicates I'm in a pretty shit place, but my body DOES belong to me, and I had to remind myself I had control.

I do hurt myself, even now. I rip and tear the skin of my lips until they bleed, and then keep on going, and sit in class staring at the blood over my hands. I pick at half healed wounds and spots. I tear my hair out, sometimes in fairly large chunks. I pick at my nails, I scratch myself sometimes.

Is this bad? Yeah. But that's NOT what I wanted to address here - what I wanted to address is this: it's been five years since I was in that place of fog and lacking control over my own thoughts and body. I harm myself. But I cannot bring myself to "self harm" in commonly portrayed ways - such as cutting or burning. I cannot comprehend the idea of even attempting suicide. There is a massive block in my head against both of those.

Am I suicidal now? No. Do I particularly feel the urge to self harm as cited in media? No.

But I do quite frequently get intrusive thoughts about it. They say, how do you know what that mental block is? Is it because you're not suicidal, or because they still control you? How can you bear them controlling you like that? You shouldn't let them. Get a knife. Get a knife, or scissors, I don't care if you don't want to. Cut yourself. Press a match to your skin, if you're too weak to overcome their control enough to use a bigger flame. Burn yourself. It's the only way you'll know if they're still controlling you. You can't let them. So do it. Do it now, you've got scissors right there, look, right there within reach even. Get up. Get the scissors. Do it. Look out the window - no, look. You should jump. I know you think you can't, but if you could- It's not that high. So what if you were intending to kill yourself? It's not high enough to actually kill you, only one level, you'd hurt your ankle at worst. Don't you wanna be free? Do it. I don't care if you don't want to, I don't care if the mere thought makes you feel afraid and nauseous, just do it.

I haven't acted on these thoughts, but MAN do I wish they weren't happening.

Frankly I also wish I wasn't sitting in class with blood under my nails but that's been a losing battle for god knows how many years. As far as my brain's concerned,self harm I'd fine if there's no tools involved, just your hands. At this point some places are just numb because I've injured and reinjured and reinjured the same place so many times the pain doesn't really register as much as it used to do.

I should probably do something about this. I don't know what I CAN do. I've tried alternatives, distracting myself, etc. I've tried calm harm, and that didn't help, mostly because when I do self harm I do it without consciously thinking about it really, and because in the case of intrusive thoughts, distracting myself or trying to relax actually makes those intrusive thoughts worse, so...I don't know what to do

[audreygracethomas]

April 17, 2019

For many, therapy is a subject of discontent. Society has made therapy out to be a subject that instills weakness. I am here to talk about my journey with therapy and how it changed my life entirely. I am not here to try to convince, however I do hope you take this discussion with you and deeply consider the endless possibilities and healing that therapy could provide you. Especially if you are going through your own internal struggles.

I met my therapist a little over a year ago. I knew right off the bat that she and I were going to click. I felt an instant comfort with her. I felt my anxiety slip away instantly because I knew I could trust her. Sometimes people come into your life and you just know they are meant to be there. I believe my therapist came into my life for a reason. The reason I found was life changing and I am a better person because of her.

It was a month after I was sexually assaulted and I realized that I had hit rock bottom and needed help. I remember sitting in her office that first day, vulnerability coursing through my veins. I am sure it was obvious how damaged I really was. There was a lot to be repaired and we had an immense amount of work to do. I knew what I signed up for and I was ready for the help. That’s the thing about therapy, it is all about your own journey and realizing and accepting when you need the extra help and guidance. You have to be ready for it. You have come to that realization with yourself or else the benefits of therapy will not come to you.

Sitting on her couch, I spilled my life story. I talked about what just happened to me. I talked about the guy I was crushing on who had a girlfriend but was still seeing me. I talked about the job that was sucking the life out of me. I talked about the murder of my grandfather and how even years later it still triggers me. There were so many things that plagued my life last year and she was there through all of it. She saw my ups, she saw my downs. And before I knew it, she became my rock. My shoulder to lean on, the person who played a substantial role in my healing and without her, I do not think I would be here writing this story.

Last year was the most difficult year of my life. I suffered. I lost sight of myself, I struggled from heartbreak, I felt like I was hovering over my own body, going through the motions in order to avoid feeling the hurt I was facing. I do not feel like I could have coped with these things effectively if it weren’t for my therapist. She taught me how to accept myself, how to see things and people and motives clearly. She helped me not only feel my emotions, but also cope with them.

Every Tuesday I would spend an hour pouring out every feeling, every story, every up and every down. I feel like letting my guard down and being vulnerable with her was the only way the wounds were going to heal. Because of her, I feel like I am better able to navigate obstacles. I have a solid ground to walk on now because I know that having myself is enough.

One breakthrough that is very significant to my life is realizing that I struggle with obsessive compulsive tendencies and this is a huge indicator of the anxiety I have felt throughout my life. I am still actively learning how to cope with this and make it so that it does not control my life. I am thankful for the many strategies my therapist has given me to help work through these obstacles. With the right medication and the appropriate strategies I am proud to say that my tendencies have drastically decreased and I am confident that I have figured out how to appropriately manage my tendencies and intrusive thoughts. I plan on sharing more on this subject in another post in hopes that I can help others who deal with OCD.

In my last therapy session I gave her a necklace that says “Resilience.” This is important because I think that word sums up the overall lesson I learned in therapy. That no matter what happens to you in life, good, bad, traumatic, you can always bounce back.

[sentofighta]

The Theocracy of Plegia Headcanon post

In this post, I will try to write some headcanons for Plegia, kind of world-building to be a reference for myself and anyone who is interested to read it.

Please remember, these are mere headcanons, they are my own interpretation. If you disagree with something then I don’t mind discussing the points you don’t find accurate. There is no harm in checking other views, but please be polite or keep it to yourself. Suggestions and feedbacks are highly appreciated.

Special shout out to Jee @/stratesia for giving her opinion on some points~

Please don’t Reblog.

Etymology:

Plegia ペレジア, Perezia

I thought at first it might be a play on word (spelling i think) Plegia> Persia

Perezia is the name of a flower just like Iris (Ylisse)

I tried to look for the flower meaning but there is nothing. The only link is stated below in the headcanon of Religion.

--

Origin and History

Plegia is originally part of Ylisse, the content before the Schism event when The First Exalt with Naga’s help fought Grima and because of the immense power, the content was divided and thus having the awakening world continent.

After the schism, three counties were formed, Ragna Ferox to the north, Halidom of Ylisse in the middle and the Theocracy of Plegia to the west.

Some of the content here is shared with my previous ylisse headcanon so copy pasting some info here to connect the two posts together.

With the separation of the three counties, each country took a different path from the others. Ferox being in a harsh climate, was more of active of the two countries in terms of manpower and parties. Plegia to the south with its scorching desert life, the development was steadily but not very fast like Ferox and Ylisse in terms of trading business due to the lack of earthly materials like in Ylisse (farm yields and animals), Ferox (Ore, and furs.) Though, there are things that only found in Plegia like certain food spices, herbs, unique clothes textiles and dyes, exquisite make-up, etc.

The Grimleal in Plegia are a minority in Plegia and only grew with time especially in the game events. King Gangrel and his men were not Grimleal but they had to follow the cult for their own safety and the services they will gain from the cult.

After the separation, it was hard for the Plegian to fully operate with how harsh the weather is especially after they became independent from Ferox and Ylisse. Their livelihood was in a tie with Ylisse’s agriculture and meat products. and Ferox’s ore, manpower, and fur. They worked tirelessly to be a fully functional nation on its own that does not rely on its neighboring countries. Being a nation that is known for its dark magic, this enabled this to advance despite the harsh circumstances.

Plegia prospered during the time between their separation until the great war against Ylisse which Plegia suffered a lot. The truth that normal citizens of Plegia were the true victim of the war meanwhile any Grimleal were plotting from the back and escaped the war’s damage. The Grimleal played with its nation’s emotions saying that Ylissean wants them to become their slaves so they can enjoy their lives as their masters. Naga told them to take over Plegia and make it their own as it was once before. People were agitated with these false claims and sought to stop the Ylisseans--Chrom’s Father from invading Plegia. The cost of war was Ylisse’s almost destruction and Plegia while the Grimleal watched in the background this war. The Grimleal used their people to act as a human shield to protect their experiments and projects to revive their fell dragon god.

Reviving Grima was the Grimleal’s wish. As Validar said in the game that his Grandfather and father were failures to be the host of Grima even himself until he had Robin (Avatar) who was of pure blood to host Grima in them. The process of creating a suitable vessel was an ugly and disgusting one. A lot of experiments on subjects, children were torn from their parents. Subject after the other to create the right formula for the final product which was Robin. Whether Validar or Robin’s mother was a close being to Homoncluos (Grima in a way) that made Robin with a high success rate of being able to host Grima. Going by the events of SOV, Grima was made by Forneus and by the description, Grima resembles a homunculus in the way he was created and Forneus is an Alchemist so that kind of allude to that. Wouldn’t be surprised if Robin’s mother was a created being, homunculus to be able to give birth to Robin. Alchemy was lost because there was no mention to it in Awakening world. But surely the knowledge remains in the hidden abodes of the Grimleals.

After the Great war, Gangrel assumed his role as a King to the nation, a plan woven by Validar to dart everyone’s eyes away from the Grimleal as they plot their scheme to revive Grima from the shadows. When Emmeryn died, a lot of people who were affected by her sacrifice stopped fighting but sadly some were killed by true Grimleals or during the battle against the Ylissean army. Whoever could escape hid away and decided to start a new life.

When Gangrel was defeated, Validar took over as regnant King, making sure that the Grimleals are now the controlling force of the country; making it clear that the Grimleals are in power now. There was no need to hide their motives after finding Robin is still alive so the plan B they had, using the future Robin to assume the role. Validar aided Chrom’s army to defeat Walhart because he knew that Walhart if he reached Plegian, no one will be saved, not even the weakened Future Robin (Grima) from his wrath.

Once Walhart was out of the picture, Validar ought to steal the Fire Emblem and then fuel the Future Robin with power to regain the lost power they lose during their travel (and i assume reviving Validar as well?) even though the plan was to use the current Robin’s body but when they refused time was of essence so they had to move to use the future body (which is odd because they are not older even after they said that they did came with lucina so??? Maybe their aging stopped when they killed chrom or something idk man this game got a lot of ??? for me to think of answers im but i weak moogle.) Validar used the strong faith of the Grimleals to call them over to the Dragon Table to be Grima’s lunch. When confronted by Chrom and the company, these people were brainwashed, only speaking in gibberish

...the appointed...time...

...to the Dragon's...Table...

...our prayers...Grima…

Using these people so Grima can feed on them to be resurrected to its true form, however, the future robin mortal body remained as well. This could mean that the true form is mindless while the mind and conscience remain in the human body thus why Robin could kill Grima and end it. If Grima chose to get rid of the human body, I only assume that Robin would not be able to kill Grima and severe the ties between because his power is not equal to the current Grima so perhaps Robin should accept this current Grima’s powers if they want to destroy the future grima?? 👀

With the defeat of Grima, Plegia was left in shambles with the Grimleals are out of the picture as well. There is no information to what happened to Plegia next but I imagine with Ylisse’s help and Ferox, the people slowly regained the control of their country. Either Robin (Avatar) take their role as King/Queen but i kind of doubt that the people would just ‘yes we accept’ knowing that Avatar is Validar’s kid--the man who killed half of their people for a big ass dragon. This could require a lot on Avatar’s part to reassure the people that they can grant them the peace they want or surprisingly the people will accept avatar after knowing that they are the one who fell the dragon. Or it will be a democracy, they will elect someone to be their leader.

--

Geography

Plegia comes between Halidom of Ylisse to the east and Ferox to the north. Plegia is a country in the Ylisse continent that was once one country with its neighbor.

--

Topography

Plegia is known to be a desert country evident with a map up there. There are little to no forest areas like its neighbor country, Ylisse. A lot of mountains and sand dunes. Plegia as any desert country, it is bound to have dangerous areas of quicksands often used by bandits to lure helpless merchants and villagers towards them so they can trap them. Unlike Ylisse, Plegia’s bodies of water are more active because the Plegian made a lot of ports to make the trades between them and the Valmesean easier.

--

Climate

Because unlike Ylisse, Plegia is pretty much has the same climate all over its land. Very hot humid, even scorching at summer, and slightly cold at winter. In summer, the days are humid and hot while at night, it can get a little chilly and even freezing at certain times. In winter, the days are sometimes cloudy little chances of rain depends on the circumstances and at night extremely cold due to the desert winds and being exposed to the sea. Nearby the sea, the air can be salty and suffocating for newcomers.  

--

Flora & Fauna

Since the climate is the same, the flora and fuana are pretty much the same across the land as well. Short plants in the desert area, different types of reptiles, a lot of wild birds like falcon and hawks, wild rabbits, coyotes and gazelles which often found near the border pass between Plegia and ylisse. Between Ferox and Plegia at the border wastes, some giraffes and elephants might be around.

--

Government

As the name of the country suggests, it is religion based country, more like a forced one. The government is hereditary from one leader of the Grimleal to another, most likely as Validar said, his grandfather, father then him and possibly Robin (Avatar).

Gangrel, as stated before he was placed to fuel the war between plegia and ylisse because he had the charisma and the drive to get people around him for that purpose--the revenge on the ylissean.

After the battle with Grima, the line of Validar--the Grimleals is over. The people either pick their own leader or accept Robin (Avatar) as their King/Queen if they wanted to serve their country alongside their friend Chrom being the Exalt of Ylisse.

--

The Law

The Law in Plegia is simple, Worship Grima, and hate Naga. The same rules that the previous Exalt had to not trade with Plegian or marry into them applied in Plegia as well. Who is caught to be trading with a Ylissean was immediately killed on the spot.

This to be changed slightly when Gangrel ruled because he wanted to use Ylisse for his revenge to he allowed some sort of trading to happen but with a lot of restrictions.

After the end of Grima, the laws are loose to let both trading and wedding from both countries without any sort of restrictions following after Chrom’s Laws.

--

Hierarchy

The Hierarchy is simpler than Ylisse because it is simply:

The Hierophant (Grima)

The Grimleal leader and the country Leader, the King (Validar)

Right hand and trusted advisor (Aversa)

The Grimleals is definitely set to ranks but for my sake, they are three levels according to what the enemies we have seen.

High ranked Grimleal: Priests & Dark Mages & Scholars (Chalard & Algol)

Middle ranked Grimleal: Loyal Military Soldiers & Spies (Campari)

Lowest ranked Grimleal: Believers and worshipers of Grima

Military Commander (Mustafa etc)

The commoners

After the Grimleals ranks, who comes next kind of does not have any authority nor power except on those who are around them. Mustafa being the commander of the army that fought Chrom, it should be apparent that his loyalty to his people not the religion should be known by the Grimleal so I doubt he has any power except on the men around him.

--

Religion

The forced religion is worshiping the fell dragon Grima even though there are many around Plegia who do not worship Grima at all. The Religion was founded when the first fathers saw the destruction that Grima caused in his first war with the First Exalt. They sought his power for their own misguided ends. They wanted to obtain that power knowing that Grima had a pact with a human, they thought they could control this ‘God’ to do what they want. When Plegia was founded, I imagine it was their goal; to revive Grima so they can use him. Naga helped humans on her own, they wanted their God to be same; to help them realize their dreams and wishes; their own God that they don’t have to share with anyone else. These wishes developed and reshaped to be wanting destruction about everyone so no one can be better than them; total damnation to all even if the in the process they died at least their selfish wishes that no one be happy happen. Validar was revered among the Grimleal because in a way he was the host or almost was going to for their God. If Robin remained in Plegia, they would be worshipped as the Human that has the pact with Grima, their own God, their messenger for their God.

Note to Grima’s design, which is just my own opinion again but look at the picture

The true form of Grima resembles Perezia, the flower that the nation is called after in the Japanese release. I don’t know if this was intentional or just me diving deep where it is not necessary. The right images are from here if you like to look at the other Perezia’s types because they are A LOT, i picked these two because they looked close enough to grima’s design imo. Just like Ylisse (Iris) the symbol is the flower itself, I think Plegia is the same. Ferox (Felia) on the other hand, their symbol is two wolves(?) animal motif instead of plant perhaps to represent the fierce nature of Ferox.

Holidays & Celebratory Days

The day when Grima was fell the first time, is a day that all Grimleal spend it mourning their God’s long slumber and prepare a lot of sacrifices in hope for the day Grima is revived come closer.

If Robin remained in Plegia, I am sure their birthday would be a day to be celebrated because the messenger of their God, his vessel was born on this day.

With how Plegia is under the Grimleal, there are a lot fo celebratory events unlike Ylisse and Ferox but common folks do enjoy summer festival and such in their cast away villages.

Customs

Grimleal’s customs

To get into the Grimleal is not an easy as it sounds like. Test of loyalty and such would be asked for the recruiters to do. Often raiding and killing people, offer sacrifices, be ready for any job whatever it is to be done. Who can’t fight, must assist in a way or another. Scholars and Scientists were expected to keep experimenting on different projects, more strong Risens and whatnot.

Commoner’s customs

Plegians are like the Ylissean in terms of upbringing. Respect is a must to teach their children, they might be little more strict with that than the Ylissean. The family may hold the Grandparents, the parents, their kids, and their kids. The extended family may live in the same house with how the living in Plegia in the years are getting harder with previous war and the current one, it is hard to save up money to live in your own.

It is not a custom but perhaps an explanation to why most Plegian are seen devoted of emotions or if they had them they are considered cold and distant. Basing the information on the real world, desert people are affected by the heat and being constantly under the sun thus they are more hot-tempered and emotionally distant (of course this does not apply to ALL desert living.) The heat damped their emotions but they are there but only visible to really close knit of people, for example, Mustafa and his company. They were moved by Emmeryn which does not necessarily they are cold but to the outsiders they seem like it.

First Grima war

  The Events of the [First Grima war] against the First Exalt with Naga VS. Grima and the human he pact with was the first war in ages the people faced their first trial. There are no records of the war but a point to note that the whole continent was against Grima unlike the 2000 years later where The Halidom of Ylisse was against Grima alone, mostly. Another thing to note, that the human that had a pact with Grima was known, however, these little details ‘human pact’ was not known for anyone outside the Grimleal in the game (during Awakening) timeline. Evidence that everyone was shocked to hear of Avatar’s relationship to Grima and the whole plot to use them as a vessel. A lot of Grima’s secret was swept away when the three nations were made, means that the Grimleal in their early days, made sure to cover up Grima’s tracks to make sure that his next revival would be the last and no one can interrupt him.

The Grimleals made sure only to keep who will hold their tongue from blurting any information that could threaten their plan to revive Grima. Who was suspected to leak anything was murdered on the spot. It might have shaken them in numbers but that made the new generation even more stronger and loyal to the cause.

Ylisse-Plegian situation

  It is no secret that these two countries have always had troubles and skirmishes. Ylisse worshiping the divine dragon and Plegia worshiping the Fell Dragon. Both contrasting counties of faith and beliefs. Ylisse wished for more peaceful negotiations, but Plegia saw it as a way to silence them--it agitated them because they thought Ylissean are simply provoking them due to their past.

  Pre the previous Exalt’s time, the relationships were already on a thin ice. The Grimleal experimenting with everything they got to get the results they hope for-- a perfect vessel for their master. What kept the relationship at bay was on both sides, Ylisse’s Exalt was still going for the peaceful route and the Grimleal trying to maintain a low profile until they finish their experiments.  

  In the previous Exalt’s time, the situation got worse when Validar who had hopes that he will be the perfect vessel for Grima, was provoked by the Exalt who got a whiff of the situation tried to pursuit Validar to explain what is he doing but Validar did his best to conceal it that until Validar had Avatar who was, by all means, THE perfect vessel then it all hells went loose. With Avatar’s mother escaping, all spies who were around Plegia and the borders reported back of the scheme that plegia is making which made the first Exalt more determined to wage war against Plegia in name of Naga and peace. Thus the war 15 years pre awakening happened. It was a mean to stop Validar from making the vessel but it failed. The only success was that the vessel, Avatar was lost and their whereabouts were unknown. Sadly, this information was only shared by the Exalt and the Clergy and his personal knights so the news of vessel and Validar’s scheme died when the Exalt fell in battle.

  During the game situation was the follow up of the previous war. Plegia did not forget the war even though 15 years have passed. The wounds did not heal and the people wanted a revenge, an end to their pain, a closure that no more of that cruel war is going to happen. With Emmeryn’s sacrifice, it showed that even Plegian were not sure of their emotions and deep down they want an end to all the fighting and when Gangrel was defeated, the situation calmed a little bit until Validar came back into the scene. Fueling the people against Ylisse and using every possible opening to rekindle the hatred. Who followed him were mostly long rooted Grimleal who would gladly give up their lives for Grima. Anyone else was fighting for other reasons, some because they fear for their families who were captured, some for glory, some for money, etc.

A lot of problems emerged after the first war, a lot of dead plegian, poverty, lack of funding. These were somehow fixed by the Grimleal in order to shut the people up and use that anger and direct it at the Ylissean. Some of course, knew that the Grimleal at fault too but couldn’t speak about it or death will be their end. People were living in horror from the Grimleal and from the Ylissean to strike again.

Plegia and Valm situation

Validar understood that Walhart was smart for his own good and decided to do something about Plegia when Ylisse failed to act, he used Chrom and his company to take Walhart down so there will be fewer people at his doorstep asking him to stop resurrecting Grima. If Walhart was not stopped, all what Validar planned with Future Robin (Grima) would have been under threat.

The Last Grima war, Avatar’s ending

  In the second Grima war in game, there are three outcomes for the battle. 1) the shepherds lose to grima, 2) chrom’s ending where he delivers the last strike sending grima into another 1000 of slumber, 3) or avatar’s ending where they sacrifice their life. Since this is the true ending of the game, it is the best outcome of the three endings. The world was saved from Grima and history wrote about its savior. Naga did tell Avatar that if they have strong bonds they are to fight and come back to this world. During the time the avatar went missing, everyone continued to grow and develop in their name. The scars of the last battle did not heal quickly but they are surely coming along. There is no set of time to when Avatar came back but it is not that long taking that from the game ending where there are no visible changes on both Chrom nor Lissa; between a year and two max. The duration is a controversial topic so it is not that of important at this point. Meanwhile, Plegia is gathering itself after losing so many of its citizen for being Grima’s food and in the war itself.

Chrom’s ending

Avatar has the choice to return to Plegia and rule it as King/Queen.

Ruined Future ending (Future Kids timeline)

Plegia prospered even further to become the land of the Fell Dragon, the land of the risens. A lot of plegian escaped to Valm or Ferox leaving the country in fear for their lives. Who remained were the loyal Grimleals and commanders.

  In Fate, Anakos asks Owain, Severa, and Inigo if they had a request after helping him and they asked to revive their families and friends but he could not do that so they asked to make revive their original world that was tainted by Grima and in the process make graves for their fallen families and friends. I assume that fixed Plegia too.

Ruined Present ending

If The Shepherds failed to take down Grima, an ending close to the future that the kids escaped from will happen. However, this time, Falchion and the Fire Emblem might be either lost or be confiscated by Grima’s puppets. A worse ending than the future they escaped from. The Grimleals will take over command of everything and the new place people will start pilgrim to is Plegia’s castle to worship their new God, Grima.

Military

Plegia units are [Barbarians, Dark Mages, Wyvern Riders, Myrmidons and Thieve] a balanced army. Plegian considers having a better strategic approach to battle so they can be hard to deal with especially with the wyvern riders who can travel a long distance and have a decent defense to close ranged and magical attacks. Though, with proper planning and using the archers they can be an easy target. Their advantage is only if they are fighting on their land where the movement is quite restricted to everyone but the mages and riders.

Education

Same with Ylisse, education was for people who could afford it. Priests, Dark Mages, and scholars are the highest people in rank of education, of course after the Grimleal leader themself.

Because of how the Grimleal is, a lot of experiments and projects are involved, thus why scholars are important in the country for their continuous experiments and researches.  

Unlike Ylisse, we did not get to see official letters for Plegian nor any other nation (correct if im wrong please). Looking at the in-game sprites, you can see the spells are identical so I couldn’t get anything out of them to link to plegia.

All the spells have the same writing so it did not give away anything special. Weak spells and the powerful spells; all alike.

One could headcanon that the writing is the same what is different is how each nation pronounce them? Because of all magic stem from one place??? Idk.

The warp spell pattern is different

The letters are kind of, slightly, different to the above one. Maybe because they are skewed they look different. But for me, they kind of resemble the arabic script because it looks cursive at the first part to me and we saw that ylissean counts on the symbol and they are not cursive. I will bite the bullet and say that Plegian script resembles the Arabic script, written from right to left to be just different from the ylissean. Out of spite lolololol

Health & Services

Due to the aftermath of the first way, poverty struck the country and famine. People died because of the heat and lack of food and clean water. It was a lot of work to provide food and water across the country and health services. Healers are not common around plegia that is why scholars work on more effective medicines to replace the lack of the able arms to cure and heal with items that can be used by the laymen. Of course, it is not because they ‘care’ because every soul is important in order to revive Grima. Plus, they are the human shield that the Grimleal will use to provoke the new war to happen. War can’t happen if there is no one to fight back.

Art & Entertainment

Architecture

The overlook looks similar to how Persian castle looked like, no color a lot of castle towers. I imagine that small villagers only have somewhat colors in their building because they are further away from the Plegian Castle and the Grimleal.

The inner design, however, has dark colors. The windows are above only assuming because to avoid having the heat of the sun come through them so they are strategically built to only let cool air in during the day and night and only enough of the sunlight depending on the position of each window and the sun circle.

Music

I imagine the music would be, all poetry of praising Grima and the soon fated hour of his return. Commoners might sing about their daily life struggle and whatnot, somehow melancholy fill all their songs. little when you find happy songs.

Painting / Statues

I looked all over the castle for any hint of painting like in Ylisse’s castle but nope. Nothing. I think Plegia is more famed for statues more than painting with how they build their houses from stones.

Writings

The same as their music, all written art is based on imaginary days of Grima’s arrival. Recording the feat of the Grimleal, and the history against the Naga worshipers.

[holographic-feminism-blog]

Why you cannot be “pro life” and be a feminist

(TW: mentions of rape, abuse, gore, death and objectification may be mentioned)

Hey, you may yourself be “pro life” and have been sent this because you're a brick wall and/or this person does not have time for you or you could be an actual person with common sense and be pro choice who just wants to help grow your knowledge and understanding of the feminist movement and your debating skills. Ether way welcome, glad to have you.

I think we should disprove some idiotic points “pro life” feminists like to bring up:

“I’m fine with other women getting abortions, i just think its wrong”

*collective eye roll from all pro choicers* Alright there are two reasons i put this point first.

1. because i feel like you wouldn't even read up to this point if it weren't the first point because you're actively too lazy to read up on literally anything and 2. because i myself have had this point so much i lost count. Ill get to why abortion isn't wrong in a bit but just to say YOU’RE NOT “PRO LIFE” YOU’RE PRO CHOICE!!! The reason i said “you're actively too lazy to read up on literally anything” is because the literal definition of pro choice is

pro-choice

prəʊˈtʃɔɪs/

adjective advocating the legal right of a woman  to choose whether or not she will have an abortion.

That literally describes exactly what bs has just drivelled out your damn mouth. You're ok with a person having the choice. You seriously go and say you're pro life when you don't even know what it means. For gods sake the safari app is right there, you couldn't look something up before you embarrass yourself on the internet?

But anyway you're pro choice, pro choice means you're ok with others having the choice even if you wouldn't. Have a nice day.

“Most abortions are gender based, meaning more girls get aborted because they're girls”

Sorry but you need to get your priorities straight, there are so many things wrong with what you just said. First off, transphobia much? Second, I along with anyone with morals would place a fully grown pregnant person with responsibilities, relationships and memories over that of something that is about as alive as a blade of grass that has a vagina. Do you think that a person with a uterus is lesser than something that is barely alive? yeah......... yeah thats why you're not a feminist.

But anyway i don't think you know what gender based abortions really happen for. 99% of the time gender based abortions are in places where the parents are desperate for a boy and cannot have more than one or two children. Places such as china with its one child policy. The parents want to continue the family last name and also continue the businesses (because businesses are usually passed down from father to son). China is flooded with parentless girls already because so many parents abandon them because they wanted a boy, we don't need to add that.

Im in no way ok with gender based abortions but because these people are so desperate to have a boy if abortion became illegal in counties like these violence against women and death of women via massive blood loss with increase rapidly due to coat hanger abortions and husbands hitting their wives in hope to kill the foetus. It’s ether you're ok with violence and horrific torture of millions of people world wide or you're gonna let people have abortions when they need ones.

Hey heres an idea, instead of taking away a right to abortion from women, why don't you do what most feminists who aren't lazy do and try to get rid of the patriarchal idealistic surrounding gender based abortions. Thats actually useful and helps us get to equality, while being anti abortion stops that.

“Some abortions harm women!!!”

According the the NHS (the uk healthcare service) 1 in 1000 legal and medical abortions cause damage to the uterus in abortions carried out between 12-24 weeks. Most of these damages are mild infections that can be treated with antibiotics. 

Id also like to remind you that illegal abortions cause wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more damage to someones uterus than a safe and legal one. So your argument is kinda stupid. Like “some women are hurt by legal abortions so lets make it illegal and have EVERY woman be hurt but abortions! I'm fighting for women rights here guys trust me.” Birth is much more dangerous than abortion as well.

Also.... if you're talking about emotional harm...95% of people don't regret their abortion.

“Its against my religion”

Your religion applies to you, not others. NEXT.

“It doesn't say anywhere that I have to be pro choice to be a feminist”

I’m sorry do you have anything in that thick skull of yours?

feminismˈfɛmɪnɪz(ə)m/

noun

the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.

Newsflash, you can’t advocate for equality when you see women as incubators. Also, yes you do see women as incubators. You think that if a person gets pregnant and doesn't want it or finds out that it is horrifically deformed or already dead that they should  keep it and have it. You’re kidding me right? That is the most misogynistic and sexist thing I have ever heard and its is 100% what you're ok with.

Let me tell you what you're also ok with that is completely anti feminist:

1. Child abuse

I will get into that next

2. Back ally/coat hanger abortions

You're pro people getting hurt via illegal abortions. You're ok with people killing themselves via mass blood loss all because you're selfish enough ignore their desperation. Have you read the stories of illegal abortions before it was legal? They're horrific. You're no feminist if you're ok with pregnant people killing themselves because a right was taken away from them.

3. Rape

No one consents to rape. Its kinda like someone stabs someone else and you tell the person who was stabbed “Don't go to the hospital! You'll be fine! You can handle it.” No one should be forced to continue a pregnancy if they didn't consent to becoming pregnant. you're no feminist if you think people should suffer like that and drag their trauma out. You're punishing people for being raped. Thats worse than victim blaming. Sick.

4. Self harm

People throw themselves down the stairs, punch themselves and even starve themselves to kill the foetus. Why should they be subjected to that when they could have a safe one? You're evil if you think people should be hurt for accidentally getting themselves pregnant then you're no feminist.

5. Poverty

Do you know how much a child costs? $14,000 per year. If you're working a minimum wage job which pays $15,080 per year, thats not good news for you. The fact you’re fine with single mothers or fathers struggling to feed themselves all because of a mistake they made once is NOT ok in any way.

6. People loosing their right to education

You're ok with people missing valuable education time because they need to look after their child and/or give birth? Resulting in them severely denting their life which links to argument 5. ...You’re getting what i mean now right?

7. CHILDREN.BEING.TRAUMATISED.AND.HURT

A 12 year old being forced to have a child isn't ok sorry. There is no way you're in the right for saying they should. Their body isn't built to have a child yet so they're more likely to die or be in immense pain. The labour will be way way way longer than an adults. If you think a child should be put through that, what is wrong with you? You’re so evil I cannot muster and you're the exact opposite of a feminist.

8. The objectification of women

By forcing people to go through with pregnancies you're feeding the patriarchal idea that women are here to give birth to and look after children. You're saying that women are incubators and exist to be impregnated. You're saying that women are lesser than something that doesn't know it’s alive and that she is a slave to the person who got her pregnant and the thing inside her. Thats like so unfeminist its amazing. Thanks.

“Why can’t they just give it for adoption?”

The percentage of adopted children who are abuse is 25%. 25%!!!!! Children who are adopted are also more likely to have depression and commit suicide. In fact, if you're a foster child you're 4 times more likely to commit suicide than a child with a known birth parent. Gay parents are also allowed to be refused to adopt my some agencies, where are you yelling about that? Why are you telling people not to abort when you should be protesting this abuse and homophobia? You're telling me you'd rather see a child suffer and have their whole life messed up than just let a person have an abortion? You're sick.

“Im only ok with it if it’s rape”

So a person has to have their body violated for them to get the rights to it? Consent to sex is NOT consent to pregnancy. Condom effectiveness have gone down to 85%. Its kinda like saying that you're only ok with STD medication if it was due to rape. You can consent to sex but not being infected, so its not their fault. So thats the same with being pregnant.

“I think people should take responsibility for their actions”

Well, they are. Aborting the foetus is taking responsibility for their action. And its rather anti feminist of you to think people should be punished for life because of a mistake.

“Its my choice to be pro life and feminism gives you the right to chose what you believe”

That sentence was a direct contradiction to what you believe. Feminism gives you the right to choose yes but who are you to feel that you can take away that same right to choose to other women. Are you that entitled that you think your choice to be “pro life” is greater than other peoples right to a choice? 

Your choice to be pro life is also not feminist at all. Kinda like me saying I'm pro lgbt but then kicking my child out if they're gay.  People choose to be racist, people choose to be homophobes. Your choice is your choice yes but everyone has a right to tell you why that choice is wrong.

“But babies are cute!”

...okay...? First off, that shit isn’t a baby. It’s a cluster of cells or a foetus. Second, what does that matter? Something being cute doesn’t put it on some kinda pedestal. I like boa constrictors are cute, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t shoot one in the face if it was trying to constrict my friend.

A thing being cute doesn’t make it more important. In fact it’s very ignorant of you to say that something being cute puts it above others.

You're not a feminist. Just say you hate people with uteruses and go

[knightofbalance-13]

https://caddeter.tumblr.com/post/174539392695/for-fuck-sake

Dude, I just left the fandom. Why the fuck are you doing this?

KKKoBias, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Depression

Anger issues

A lack of impulse control

Asperger’s

Take your pick

No, seriously, what the fuck?  You harassed someone for an entire week.  You did nothing but attack they’re opinions and the user just because they dared say something mean about RWBY.  You enabled a portion of the FNDM to attack that user and made a bad situation worse.  And then, when people bring that shit back because A. That’s kinda hard to just forget.  B. You still practice the same behavior that almost caused someone to kill themselves. and C. You bring shit back all the time, no matter how legitimate what your saying is(Which knowing you, it isn’t), you try to make it sound like we’re the bad guys?

Funny hyow you don’t bring up the link in question whereas I did.

And do.

https://comments.deviantart.com/1/619991269/4290345087

Probably because if you looked at the comments, you’ll notice something:

A. While the comment chain began on Dec. 22 and ended on Dec. 27...The person in question only responded on Dec.26. Meaning that not only are you two days short but you’re also three days off. Two days of internet arguing is not that bad.

B. I didn’t enable anyone. I posted the link on reddit but I never encouraged anyone to attack them. And looking through the comments, it did NOTHING to the reaction which is mostly positive. I was wrong to post it on reddit yes, but that ISN’T your argument here so it is not correct.

C. I only bring stuff up when someone tries arguing a moral point. Dudeblade calling the CRWBY homophobic looks a lot less convincing when you see he is guilty of the same thing and still acts like he’s better.

D. I’m gonna be blunt: They weren’t gonna kill themselves. Having looked back at the situation in hindsight and discussed the situation: This was just someone trying to use suicide as a way to end an argument. I never told them they were shit or hell, even insulted them in the slightest or implied anything that would trigger such an event. And immediately afterward, they edited their journal entry with lies about the situation. None of this is like what an actual sucidial person would do.

You harassed a DeviantArt user and block evaded for an entire week, always ignoring when they told you to leave them alone.  You brought this into the RWBY reddit, and knowing you, I’ll be my entire house that you did it to tell them “Hey, look at this idiot.” You didn’t even bother to try and apologize until you were told to, like the spoiled, self-righteous child you are.  You called them a member of a fictional terrorist organization just because they said something you didn’t like and stood their ground.   You claimed you wanted to ‘educate’ anyone who disagreed, as in didn’t like, didn’t enjoy, didn’t find interesting or compelling, several emotional responses, completely subjective things, to see things your way.

A. I couldn’t have block evaded for a week if our conversation was only two days long.

B. Already apologized for it and stopped doing it.

C. https://www.reddit.com/r/RWBY/comments/5khw9y/my_thoughts_on_pyrrhas_death_rwby_and_rt_by_jswf/

I never expressed that sentiment here. So do I get the house or do you just give it up?

D.

Being a terrorist isn't the point of the White Fang: It's the fact that they were once peaceful and in the right. Until their own hatred and anger devolved them into being no better than the force they fought. Kind of like what happened to you and your group. To the point that I see you as below me. And considering I think about killing myself, that's pretty fucking low/

Context disagrees with you: I did it to illustrate that he wasn’t any better than what he fought against.

E. Press Ctrl+F and type in the word ‘educate’.

I only said the word once and

And I never said "educate', just show them both sides of the argument. Just like in Civil War, there is no right or wrong here. Just a difference of opinions. I only aimed to give a balanced view.

It was a response to him saying that I was saying that. I never said that: you’re lying.

And you have the god damn nerve to try and say we’re making shit up?

Context, the link you gave never said that and what you’re referring to could just be me pointing out how you people make stuff up about the show, which is seperate from this argument.

jswb wasn’t and isn’t trying to shame people into not speaking against them, neither is the RWDE tag.  You are trying to scare people into not talking.  This has happened multiple times before.  Someone posts something you don’t like, and you stalk and harass them until they delete the post.  You threatened Kidgecat with physical violence over a shit post. The idea that you nearly caused someone to commit suicide isn’t an impossibility.  The only impossibility is the idea that you didn’t. You’re not some grand anti-hero trying to help the FNDM, you never were and never will be.  The first reason for that is that anti-heroes don’t see themselves as heroes.  The second reason is that every time you get involved, a situation goes from bad to worse as you pull out every underhanded trick, every lie you could tell, every alt blog you need to pull out and make, just because someone said, ‘Hey, I kinda don’t like this thing about RWBY.’  Be it an in-depth analysis or a fucking joke, you don’t stop until they concede, till they say your right and give up their opinion for yours.

1.

The guy I've been chatting with Knight of Balance, has basically says he wants to 'educate' everyone who disagrees with the direction the show has been going, insulting me and others who dislike Pyrrha's death and he wants to silence us. I hid his comments so he wouldn't get a chance to 'educate my audience', his words not mine. He says he 'won't let Miles and Kerry bring Pyrrha back'. Oh really? Let's show him that he doesn't control us. Do not be quiet about how awful, insulting, needlessly cruel, and forced Pyrrha's death was. Don't let them get away with it, let them know how disappointed you are and let your voices be heard. People like him think they can control us, let's show them how wrong they are. 

He says this right AFTER blocking me.

I broke down crying, shaking, nearly throwing up, I read all of those hateful, hurtful, cruel, and insulting comments and I replied to the guy's comment with a off-putting all caps reply telling him know that I was breaking down and was about to end myself and when I did that he backed off, probably feeling like he had won, because he said himself that he was 'metaphorically' willing to drag me down to hell. I was a nervous wreck, I was being overwhelmed and felt like I wanted to die. I grabbed some scissors and nearly killed myself but thankfully I was able to remember all of the reasons I have for living like my family, my friends, the stories I write and the fans I've gotten, the stories I want to continue reading or watching, I realized I had so many reasons to live so I was able to stop myself.

To stuff like this:

*Sigh* Look, I never meant for you to get this stressed out. Hell, I understand where your coming from. Thinking about killing myself is such a common occurrence now I'm not even fazed by it anymore. So putting aside my feeling towards you and your conduct, I want you to listen to what i have to say: Your life matters. No matter what you think I've said, no matter what other people have said, no matter what you say, your life matters. You have friends and family who love and care about you and if you kill yourself, all it will do is wound those around you. It's painful I know but it's true. The best thing you can do is seek help above all else. Trust me, psychiatrists maybe be expensive by by divinty' sake they are miracle workers. And I know you're sick of hearing about this anime but really, look up Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. That anime is a large part of why I get out of bed in the morning even thought I know there's a very good chance I'll choke to death on my breakfast, lunch or dinner or that my life probably doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. It taught me to keep moving forward no matter what I lose or what I suffer because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The journey is hard and long but it's worth it. I never intended on hurting you. Had I known you were this psychologically fragile or you were this invested in Pyrrha I would have said nothing. I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry I did so much damage to you. I was wrong and you were right. Good day.

So I don’t think any of THAT is valid.

2. Link ouright contradicts you...And that was froma YEAR and a HALF ago.

3. And you guys have caused mental damage to several people in teh fandom. However not all of it is your fault because some people are just that way. Your reactions of ‘not my issue/fuck that person’ however...

4. Two points. A. Batman sees himself as a hero and he’s the basis for most anti-heroes. B. I stopped thinking myself as someone right a LONG time ago. I just act in what I think is best and trust that if I’m wrong, I’ll fail. I live by a ‘The right are the strongest’ AKA people who are right will defeat people who are wrong philosophy. People have beaten me before in debates and I have immense respect for them.

5A. Like not linking your proof?

5B. Like making up a quote?

5C. Stopped doing that after people told me it was wrong.

5D. Explain why I personally make an effort to care for certain critics of RWBY. Like @faboover who despite disagreeing with about Volume 4, I personally make an effort to help him and encourage him. Explain the CRTQ blog which I was the most active member of and made quite a few complaints about RWBY. Explain the event of this very situation you quote I NEVER call his opinion wrong, just his actions.

6. Then I wonder why a lot of my friends have differing opinions of RWBY.

You know what, screw it.  Not only is this going in the main tag, it’s only going in the main tag, and I’m doing everything I can to make sure the fandom sees you for the self-important, unrelenting, egotistical, uncaring, and cruel person you are.

So you try arguing a moral position while expressly trying to slander me? ... So you contradict everything you’ve done here?

And you got half of these wrong. I’m self important, I’m not egotistical nor am I uncaring. I am unrelenting though it switches from good to bad at times and I do have a sadistic side.

But here’s teh deal:

jswv is self important in thinking that disagreeing with them is hateful.

Sokumotanaka is egotistical because he thinks all criticisms against him are invalid and his opinion is objective fact,

And Dudeblade,someone I KNOW you personally interact with, is uncaring as he suicide baited an LGBT person after talking about LGBT suicide rates and proceeded to make a backhanded apology.

And the last two are EXCEEDINGLY cruel people, as well as sociopathic and bigoted.

So why don’t you call them out?

Easy: They agree with you. You don’t care about other people if they don’t agree with you. I’d bet if jswv was praising RT and I was arguing about how much of an ass kisser they were: You’d fucking love me.

Not that any of this matters: You people crossed the fucking line with that doxxing incident so i ain’t dealing with your shit anymore.

Go find someone else to call your boogeyman.