#i think about this quote at least once daily

[goingtothebes]

"I play the kind of punk rock music that has existed since the time of the great painters in the caves at Lascaux" - John Darnielle

[dailyeohkakyoin]

the crusaders do have a healer.

they don't like to talk about it.

[prettieinpink]

5K SPECIAL | CREATING YOUR OWN GARDEN𝜗𝜚

This is a guide to make your mind like your own garden flourishing with plants, flowers and butterflies. Having a good mental mindset, and being in the right state of mind is essential to being the best version of yourself.

This guide is divided into four sections: mindset, self-care, mental wellness and emotional intelligence. I hope you can take away something useful and take care of yourself! 💖 

MINDSET

Your mindset can easily determine how you go through life. It influences how you feel, act, behave and your thoughts. When you have a poor mindset, it is going to be difficult to go through life, even if your life is easy. 

However, once we grow and improve our minds, it is easier for us to navigate life, improve our well-being and increase our chances of success. 

Before we get into mindset shifts, I want to explain how exactly you can implement them in your life. I feel like there’s so much talk about mindset, but no one exactly explains on how to implement them. 

IMPLEMENTING 

The first thing to implementing mindset shifts is making a conscious effort to be aware of your thoughts. If you want, practice mindful activities to improve your self-awareness of your thoughts. 

You have to be able to catch a thought in its passing and whoosh it away from your mind. If you don’t whoosh it away, those simple thoughts build each time which can soon turn into the way you think.

Secondly, after increasing your awareness, identify what exactly about your thoughts or mindset you’d like to shift, and what you would like to shift to.

Thirdly, is to completely immerse yourself in that mindset shift. The mind learns through repetition, meaning that repeating it enough will make your mind learn it. 

Set your mindset shift as your weekly intention, say affirmations, and prayer, read books on it, put a quote on your phone as your wallpaper, just make it so that mindset shift is constantly on your mind. 

Lastly, do small actionable things that reinforce that mindset shift. I recommend you do at least one habit every day for this. 

This is not the only method to implement mindset shifts, but for me, it’s the one that is highly effective. I recommend doing some research on your own, and making adjustments when needed depending on how you think. 

MINDSET SHIFTS

This whole part we’ll talk about the mindset shifts I think everyone should at least try to implement in their lives if they want to improve themselves. These mindset shifts are my absolute favourites and they improved the quality of my life. 

After each one, I’ll state a small habit you can incorporate that contributes to that shift. 

Live your life with your highest self in mind. 

This is more intentional living than an actual mindset shift, but still as important. Whatever you do throughout the day, consider if it aligns with your highest self. If not? Release it. Your highest self knows what's best for you, trust them. 

At the end of the day, reflect on your daily habits, which include all habits you did today whether they were ideal or not. What habits aligned with your highest self and which didn’t? The ones that didn’t, why? How can you change or remove this habit to get closer to your highest self?

Rejection is just redirection.

As someone who has gotten rejected from the things that they wanted and felt so lost in the pursuit of fulfilment, this mindset shift saved me. You have to stop chasing the things that aren’t meant for you if life has proved it isn’t.

While I’m not saying give up after the first try, but try to step back and assess the situation. If you are qualified and ready for this thing, then why is it still not yours? Because it isn’t meant for you. God is trying to nudge you into a different path, recognise his signs. 

To handle rejection better, look for the lesson(s) you’ve learnt, and the skills you grew and see if there is another area of life that you can apply them to. 

Keep yourself on a pedestal.

I am worthy so much to me. It sounds like a weird sentence, but you should start treating yourself like a treasure and avoid giving out that same treatment to most people because you have your soul, which homes itself in your body. Every day, you are living through this soul and body. 

So, why would you take care of someone else’s soul and body? You are never going to be the soul that lives in their body, or the body which homes their soul. Don’t neglect yourself in the priority of someone else. 

Practice setting boundaries with others and recognising when someone wants more than what you’re willing. 

You choose the life that you want.

You have choices and options every day to do things that will eventually have an outcome. Whether this outcome supports the vision of your dream life or not, all depends on how you choose to live your life now.  

I don’t have a habit with this one but keep in mind that absolutely nothing is controlling you, and your choices are of free will. Circumstances can change, but that is why we have to adapt and be flexible.

Fear is a step to success

If you’re not scared, you’re not doing it right. Fear can hold us back, but that is why we have to twist fear into a source of motivation instead. If we were always in our comfort zone, stepping back when we feel a sliver of fear, we allow fear to dictate our life and its course. 

You can’t be successful unless you do the uncomfortable. For this one, do something each day that scares you or makes you uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme, but simple things like exercising longer than usual or talking to someone who you wouldn’t imagine yourself with. Those little risks are so important. 

Embarrassment is not a real emotion 

This one is a bit controversial, but I do not believe in the concept of embarrassment. Yes, things can sometimes be awkward, but it is fully in your control if you want to feel ashamed or not. Being embarrassed only holds you back, and doesn’t allow you to live life to its fullest. 

I would recommend doing a small risk every day as well, but of things that would usually feel awkward. 

Progress over perfection/completion

Perfectionism which is allowed to be nurtured over time can create an avoidance mindset towards doing harder things in life. While we should strive for excellence in everything we do, we shouldn’t allow it to consume us. 

(the avoidance mindset is when we put off/avoid tasks that we believe to be out of our abilities, and so that completion of the task is poor quality/not done well.) 

This one is less common, but I know a few people who would not do a task if they knew it would not be fully completed in their desired time frame. However, each minute of work contributes to the results or completion of something. 

Every day, do one thing that will add up to the completion of your long-term goals. 

To welcome tomorrow, you have to let go of yesterday. 

Living in the past makes us neglect our present self. I’m not saying forget everything that’s happened, but never allow the past to consume your mind. Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt, you’re longing or you were happier. Then, release it. 

Journaling is the perfect way to stay in touch with the present. You can type it, write it, vlog, draw, or compose to journal. 

Everyone has their beauty.

This one helped me a lot with comparison. I saw beauty, not as a measure or a value of someone, but rather something that everyone has uniquely and it cannot be valued. I have my sense of beauty, and you have your beauty as well. We are two different people with unique features, traits and qualities, so our ‘beauty’ can’t be measured against each other. 

Define your beauty. You could be smart, feminine, book beauty or dark, flowers, creative beauty. You add your details to your beauty and never try to define someone else's. 

To conclude this section, your mindset is very powerful. To achieve your goals, work on your mindset. Also, don’t try to work on more than one mindset shift at a time. Implement one fully then work on the next one. It could be overwhelming if you’re doing more than one. 

SELF-CARE

The next chapter of this guide is about self-care. Self-care is important for maintaining balance in our lives and generally keeping ourselves happy. However, most people don’t understand the concept of self-care, so they just end up doing a bunch of random things and wondering why they don’t feel better.

Yes, you can coddle or pamper yourself when you want, but it is not self-care. While activities from these three things do overlap, do not confuse the terms with each other. 

Self-care is simply what it says. Taking care of yourself. Taking care of yourself looks different for everyone. My idea of self-care will be different to yours.

REDEFINING SELF-CARE.

When you imagine what self-care looks like, it’s typically someone else’s definition of self-care which has been reinforced in your mind. You have to redefine your idea of self-care to match your goals, energy levels and circumstances. 

Before you do, self-care is not always about taking a break. It seems that way, however, self-care can also be having the discipline to do the things that you don’t want to, but are good for you. 

Here are some questions to help you redefine your self-care:

What does self-care mean to you? Does that meaning align with your current values and needs? 

Do you have any negative associations or misconceptions of self-care? Why?

How do I feel in all areas of my life? (physically, mentally, spiritually, professionally). What areas need more attention and how can I improve that area(s)?

What activities bring me happiness, fulfilment and a sense of renewal? 

What tasks do I have to do, which are good for me but I hesitate in completing that task?

How would I like to feel after complementing my self-care rituals? 

Envision your life if it had complete balance and self-care incorporated. What habits would you be doing to support that vision? 

My idea of self-care is completing all of my non-negotiables, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, taking somewhat productive breaks and talking to others daily. 

THE SEVEN PILLARS OF SELF-CARE 

Self-care has seven pillars, which you all need to take care of to have a balanced life. However, balanced self-care does not mean equal attention to each pillar. It means that each one is up to the same standard of self-care you’ve put for yourself. So, you need to allocate your attention appropriately. 

MAJOR PILLARS 

Physical - The well-being of your body. 

Mental - The state of your mental health, mind and emotions. 

Spiritual - The strengthening of your relationship with God while nourishing your holy spirit. 

Personal - Doing things that bring you enjoyment and fulfilment + embracing your identity.

MINOR PILLARS

Social - Connecting with friends, family or even strangers.

Professional - Your work/school life. 

Environment - Keeping your space clean and extracting anything that holds you back. 

Major and minor do not add or take away the value each category has, it just means that major pillars may need more attention compared to the minor ones which may need less attention. Of course, you may need to focus more on a minor pillar, as self-care is individual to you. 

I would’ve added a list of things that you could do for each category, but I want you to think about what you need for each instead of relying on strangers with different lives for self-care. 

Maybe you need to focus on exercising and doing your hobbies more. Or you need to create a better work/life balance for yourself. It all depends on your values, needs and circumstances. 

MENTAL WELLNESS

Mental wellness is the state of our cognitive, emotional and psychological functioning. When we are mentally well, we can cope better with challenges, develop a habit of having positive thoughts, and greater happiness and improve most areas of our lives overall.

There are a lot of things that contribute to our mental wellness, and I most likely won’t have everything here. Just a little disclaimer as well, it is completely normal to have a fluctuating mental state especially when we are going through unfavourable change. 

DIGITAL MINDFULNESS

Social media is a huge part of our lives but is also the main factor of mental destruction. I’m not going to say delete all of your social media, but I want to introduce to you a few ways to mindfully consume and rules with managing screen time. 

MINDFUL CONSUMPTION

To consume content mindfully, go onto apps intentionally and know what your purpose is when using that app. For example, if you want to find new habits that you can do, you could search on Tumblr or if you want a quick break from something stressful you can watch an episode of something on Netflix. 

It doesn’t matter what the purpose exactly is, but the action of being intentional. 

After you consume what you want, download images, and screenshots, and take notes or any documentation of what you found/learnt. This is more so the information is remembered/used. 

Manage your notifications. You do not need notifications from every app. Except for messages and phones, I do not put notifications on my device. I believe that if something is important enough, I’ll remember to check my phone later without the help of a notification. 

Only consume quality content. It is so easy to consume content that has obviously been reposted or is blatantly spreading misinformation. Only consume from people who you trust and you’ve followed/subscribed to. While yes, you can explore but be very mindful when doing so.

You should be decluttering, organising and deleting on your devices routinely.  This reduces the amount of distractions on your phone and makes it more intentional. Only keep the things that align with your needs, values and goals. 

DIGITAL BOUNDARIES

Have rooms or zones in the house in which you’re not allowed to use any devices or the devices you choose. For example, the bed, bathroom, office, when you’re eating at the dining table, etc. 

An alternative is having a period of a day when device usage is not allowed. It could be right after you wake up, right before you go to sleep or just in the middle of the day. Either, I recommend you have a time or place in which device usage is not allowed.

While I encourage everyone to keep up with socialising with their loved ones and friends, I don’t support dropping everything just to talk to someone. E.g If somebody wants to text while you’re in the middle of a study sesh, just say you’ll talk later. 

MANAGING STRESS

Stress is an unwelcome yet common feeling we all have. No matter what’s on your plate, we tend to stress a lot, especially in a society that is going so fast and makes us feel like we’re falling behind. 

To manage stress, you need to be self-aware of when you feel stressed. A lot of people actually can’t recognise when they feel stressed, and I am one of those people. Instead, I rely on mental or physical signs that tell me I’m feeling stressed out. 

SIGNS OF STRESS

Unusual lack of motivation or discipline

Feeling tired constantly even if haven’t done anything exhausting

Inconvenience impacts you more

Overthinking about small things

Trouble with sleeping

Low appetite

Focusing is harder

Crying or feeling tearful over small things

This is not the complete list of symptoms, but these are the things I feel/do when I feel stressed. Stress will look different for everyone, so you need to be able to create your own list of signs when you feel stressed. 

CREATING A STRESS MANAGEMENT PLAN

Creating a plan helps you to be prepared to effectively address and cope with stress. It allows you to be more productive and improves mental health when you use this plan when needed. 

Here are a few steps to creating your own!

Identify stress triggers. What do you dread the most? What makes you feel drained? What do you overthink about? Answer these questions to figure out what triggers your stress.

Assess your coping strategies. Notice if you have any ways of coping that are self-destructive, as this only contributes to your stress. 

Choose 1-3 activities that are fun to you and are not self-destructive. These activities do not have to be productive or beneficial, but they have to make you feel relaxed and generally feel better

Choose one relaxation technique and one self-care activity. These are up to you, as we tend to neglect self-care relaxation when we’re stressed. 

Optional, but have one person who you can talk to when you’re stressed. When we are stressed, we tend to look at the smaller picture but talking to someone else helps us gain a greater perspective on the matter. 

PRETTIEINPINK’S EXAMPLE PLAN

(If doing something that is my stress trigger, slot a time in the day to do my plan.)

Journal about why I’m stressed 

Make a cup of strawberry and mango tea

Read a nice story while drinking tea

Guided stress meditation

Eat some fruits 

Another thing when creating you plan to not restrict yourself using time. Allow yourself to take as much time as needed to alleviate yourself of stress. 

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 

Being emotionally intelligent is a skill. It is the ability to understand, process and communicate emotions effectively. 

There are times when we do sometimes let our emotions take over and they dictate our actions, thoughts and words. This is why we need to build this skill, to get that control over our emotions back. 

Thinking before you speak is an oldie but goodie. What we say can drastically influence the current situation for better or for worse. If you think that what you might say is rude, offensive or crude, don’t say it at all. 

Also, stay quiet! I am all for standing up for yourself when being disrespected, but you need to recognise when someone is trying to rile you up... They WANT a reaction out of you. Most likely to use against you. Silently exit the situation instead. 

If you are someone who gets a lot of energy from big emotions like anger, dejection, sadness, and jealousy, try to channel that energy into something that requires you to have a lot of energy and is beneficial to you. Keeping that energy in until you blow up is a no-no.

Not everyone is trying to hold you back with ill intent. People’s previous experiences can influence the advice they give to you because they have your best interest at heart. They know that their method worked, which is why they’re advising it. These types of people don’t understand that there is more than one way, but they still love you.

Avoid prolonging emotions. When you’re sad, don’t listen to depressing music. When you’re angry, don’t consume ragefuel. It’s very easy in this age of consuming to amplify therefore prolonging emotions, but it holds us back. Process it, and move on.

Stop acting on a whim. Go where your heart takes you, but reflect on it and create a plan. When you do, you end up in unfavourable circumstances. The most common one is working so hard to get to a certain point, only to realise that you don’t even like it. This is why reflection is important. 

Be kind even when you’re not receiving it. Kindness is only kind when we do it out of pure love instead of personal gain. Stop expecting people to be kind to you after you’ve been kind to them. Kindness is a debt-free action.

[matan4il]

Daily update post:

Another independent Palestinian terrorist attack happened today, it was another stabbing, much like yesterday's, and I feel nauseous that we're at the point where, when I'm looking for an online source in English, I'm struggling to find the latest one out of all the terrorist attacks reported recently. I heard an eyewitness say the terrorist entered a cafe, stood in line, then started stabbing those standing in front of him. The terrorist is a 22 years old Israeli Arab, originally a Gazan. From what I understand, his dad is a Gazan who married an Israeli Arab woman, both men got Israeli citizenship, and the terrorist has lived in Israel for the last 4 years, during which he married an Israeli woman, like his dad. On his mother's side of the family, he has two relatives who are Israeli heroes: one is a soldier, who died not that long ago fighting in Gaza, another is a cop, who saved several people from the Hamas massacre at the Nova music festival. I've heard now 2 Israeli Arab citizens from the community where he lived denouncing him. The terrorist was neutralized. At least 2 people are reported injured, one man in his 60's is lightly wounded, another is in his 50's. One man (in a white shirt with stripes in the vid below) at the cafe saw the terrorist and jumped him with bare hands. Stripes Man kept trying to detain the terrorist until he saw one of the wounded managed to pull out a gun, Stripes Man moved out of the way, the injured one shot more than once and stopped the terrorist, but outside he collapsed, and was hospitalized in a mortal state.

The global rise in antisemitic incidents under the guise of anti-Zionism continues, this time we get insane news from Australia. I'm just gonna quote the report directly: "Two pro-Palestinian activists in Australia were charged on Tuesday with kidnapping and assaulting a victim for the perceived crime of being employed by a Jew."

Meanwhile, the Holocaust memorial at the transit camp of Drancy, through which the Jews of France were deported to their extermination in the east, was vandalized. I'll say it again, the timing is not a coincidence, as we see more and more antisemitic incidents, it's clear each one will get less attention, and less resources allocated to correcting the wrong, since it's all being spread so thin.

I wrote yesterday about a pilot program, which is one of many attempts by Israel to allow humanitarian aid into Gaza without about 60% of it being hijacked by Hamas. I'm sad to say that the pilot has failed, and the aid has been looted. Interestingly, it's not clear by whom. Which is many a good moment to add this: in addition to Hamas taking over the aid, so do existing Gazan mob families (presumably, the criminals are taking over the aid in order to sell it back to regular Gazans at exploitative prices).

A South African minister has announced that her country will be arresting all citizens of South Africa returning from fighting for Israel in Gaza. I do not recall any such announcement regarding South Africans returning from fighting for either side in any other area in the world, such as Ukraine or Syria. I think there's a chance we're watching South Africa ethnically cleansing itself of Jews.

These are Israeli-American mother Judith Raanan and her teenage daughter Natalie.

About a month after the start of the war, they were the first 2 Israeli hostages to be released by Hamas. Here is a short vid where Judith talks about their experiences, including how the nurses at the Gazan hospital Hamas took them to after they were kidnapped CHEERED at the sight of (in her words) "Israeli Jewish prey":

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[sysboxes]

Hi, I saw you make a userbox on C-DID and I wanted to ask if you maybe have a good resource or something that explains what it is? cause I have DID but ive never heard it with the C attached... no worries if not. thank you!!

C-DID stands for Complex DID. Complex DID and Polyfragmented DID are the same thing, though some people may say that there are some differences.

(I’ll just refer to it as polyfrag for the rest of this for simplicity)

Polyfragmented DID is considered a more “complex” version of DID. The complexity comes from:

splitting patterns ~ splitting several alters/fragments at once, splitting a lot over a short period of time, and/or splitting more frequently or easily

fragments ~ not all DID systems have fragments whereas polyfrag DID systems typically have at least some, if not a lot. Often times polyfrag can have subsystems made up of fragments or they’ll have at least one group of alters who are fragments holding similar trauma or the same traumatic experience split up between fragments (example: one fragment holds the emotions or the fear, one holds the sensations, one holds the memories, etc. or they each hold bits of memory. Or whatever else, it varies)

System Structure ~ briefly mentioned above, but with polyfrag it’s primarily about the way the system is structured or the way the system functions. Meaning polyfrag have subsystems (an alter has their own system OR there is a group of alters who exist together or function as one collective), a system or group of alters separated from the “main” group of alters, etc

The person typically starts being traumatized and forced to dissociate in infancy or sometimes as a toddler (whereas with DID, you can start developing DID later on). Though this is not a requirement and not always the case.

With polyfrag DID, they’re usually forced to dissociate throughout childhood, sometimes even throughout being a teen and sometimes during adulthood or at least early adulthood

polyfrag systems can have high alter count, but this is not a requirement. And it’s typically that they have lots of fragments, not fully-formed/fleshed out alters. 

polyfrag systems do not have to switch frequently, though some do switch frequently or have a larger group of alters who help take care of daily things

Because Complex DID and Polyfrag DID are not actually medical terms, it’s hard to find reliable information on them. They are more just community terms for people to describe their unique experiences. Basically it’s a way to differentiate themselves from typical DID systems and a way to describe their more complex structure. Some therapists or medical professionals may describe someone’s DID as being complex or polyfragmented, but again, it’s not actually a medical term it’s more just a descriptor.

Every system is going to be different. Everyone uses these terms to mean something a little different. But the stuff I listed is generally what people use it to mean. 

Here’s some links below (again, these aren’t medical terms so there aren’t really medical papers or anything on it and it’s mostly just people in the community describing their experiences or what they consider polyfragmentation)

Someone on tumblr listing what a polyfrag system usually means

Someone on tumblr describing difference between DID and C-DID

Someone on tumblr explaining what fragments are

Someone on tumblr explaining what polyfrag is and quoting research

Someone on tumblr listing what C-DID could entail

A PDF of a medical paper on complex MPD (this paper is from the 1980s I think, when DID was still called MPD)

A polyfrag DID systems vent on Reddit about what being polyfrag is for them (I wasn’t really sure about whether to include this or not bc it is a vent but it’s also a good explaination of what polyfrag DID actually is versus what people portray it as on social media..)

(if any of this is wrong plz let me know we’re not perfect lol and I didn’t read through all of these links)

[blingblong55]

✨Hello✨ I would like some Headcannons of 141 + könig with a gen z reader who's on the older side (like, 20-25) at first they were besties with soap, but then they became good friends with everyone. They are one of the very few people who can bother the shit out of ghost and live to tell the tale. All of 141 and könig have had their nails painted/makeup done by reader, and once a week AT LEAST, reader and the 141 + könig have a ✨ s p a d a y ✨ face mask, manicures, pedicures, you name it and the reader, 141 + könig have probably done it. Reader is also ver affectionate. Their name can be whatever you want it to be. Have a good day/night, eat, drink water, and don't overwork yourself or I'll find you and hit you with a steel frying pan. Love ya 😁

I love the way you show your love for me!!

Material Girl- 141+König

Not a proper hc...I think (idk my brain isn't braining rn)

Gn!reader! Smut at the end so warning!!

It's been forever since you arrived at base. 141, mainly Ghost nicknamed you rooks, short for rookie, also short like you. "Sergeant rooks, get over here." "rooks you sure 'bout this?" "Hey rooks, wanna hang out" god did it exhaust you, but it was all banter. Nothing more.

Soap soon after you had arrived at base became your best friend, only friend in the eye of others. He knew almost everything of the tiny rookie that had become his friend. Price didn't get it at first. How someone so smart as you had befriended his Scott soldier. But soon after seeing you and him explode different things around base he understood, "not about the level of knowledge but by how dumb they both are." It took 5 months for them all to be open to you.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"ghost...ghost...heeeeyyyyy ghooossstttt" you whispered yelled (does that make sense? hope it does)

"yes rooks?" His voice hinting at his frustration.

You jumped from behind and made him jump. "Just wanting to see if you were still alive" "3 laps around base, go"

----

And after much fight, he got used to you. Always making extra coffee for the days he knew you'd be around the most. He felt like a teacher with you and soap around. "If you do that, don't ya think it'll explode" then he saw your wheels turn. "that'll be awesome!"

----

"fuck off Janet. im not goin to your fucking baby shower?"

"Who the fucks is that sergeant?"

Man did you annoy him with quotes from tiktok, but he loved how every time you would laugh at literal dark jokes, others would consider a sigh of a mental illness. "Die bitch...dieeee!!" You said as he killed a spider. He soon chased you with it. And as always you cried a little.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

When the team found you stressed after a mission, they asked soap what a day off in your life looked like. "They better thank us for this." Price sighed as he, ghost and König prepared the common room to seem like a comfy living space.

"Ghost, you're next..what color would you like?" you looked up at him, annoyance leaked from his eyes. "Black..all black" You look around your kit, "I have glittery black? will that work?" your curious eyes starring at his, "fine" he responded. Gaz took pictures and sent them to the group chat, the same one he left because of your stupid daily memes.

"This is worse than torture."

"Do you or do you not feel bonita?" you smiled as you carefully painted his nails. He hesitated, "I feel bonita" . "Wonderful because you look Bonita!" you squealed, your hands cheerfully in the air.

Then it was König's turn, "nails or makeup mister?" you kindly asked. "pick makeup, their skin care routine after the removal makes your skin so smooth." gaz said as he caressed his own face. "Makeup, but just do my eyes please, ja?" You understood why his request was so odd, but you complied. Once you did his eyes: "gosh you look prettier than me, König!" he blushed at your comment. "Lift your mask, and I'll do your lips, want to see how pretty this shade will look on my pretty boy." you made way as he lifted his mask, "Pretty, pretty lips" his smile giving him away.

"Price?" "m'fine with the nails, thanks"

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

It was a Wednesday night, that you and the team designated for spa days. You bought them those soft hair bands with different shapes and colors. Ghost and König agreed on wearing surgical masks just for this activity. All of the tough soldiers reclined on sofas as you went around and applied face masks and cucumber for aesthetics. ----

Soap enjoyed how your hands would massage his hair. It was something you had mentioned, when he applied black war paint on his hair and you gasped. "If you want hair masks just ask Johnny! don't gotta kill me with this!" you exclaimed on the field.

----

They all had robes on, you even ordered those foot massager machines for them. And when you were done with their masks, you would lay on the floor with pillows around. You read, and sprayed the room with different aromas. Sometimes when you felt hippie enough you would walk around with incense.

----

It was the only time you went around taking pictures, they soon found out because you accidentally airdropped one to Gaz, who made it his profile on the group chat.

----

"it smells horrible" ghost would say, "shh im cleansing you honey" your calm voice making him more scared, what if you accidentally lit him on fire, something that soap had done to gaz when he too felt like a hippie.

"thank you hase (bunny)" König would always keep you close when this whole thing was happening, his excuse was that your body heat was comfortable to him, in reality, he just needed an excuse to have you near.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

It was a routine that you had created with them. For Ghost and König, you always spent the nights with either of them, you would stay up and wait until they needed you. Hugs from these two were the best. Soldiers stared and they would give them 'the' look. (you comment on this..I kill what you love)

"König it's time for hugs!" you jumped and he catched you, your head on his chest, "You are kind mein König," you used that only when he needed to be brought back after a tough mission.

----

Soap and you had physical touch as love language, so showing him your affection was easy. You'd give his hands a squeeze or rubbed his shoulders and this man would just stand there, taking all the affection you could give. Sometimes it was him who would hug you so tight, you thought you might pass out.

"too much love" you would remind him. "m'sorry, felt like giving it all today" he would chuckle.

----

Price was different, this man needed affection when having smoke competitions.

"learned this one on tiktok," you inhaled and perfect circle flew around. "S'good, getting better." He would stare in amusement as the circle of smoke disappeared. But at times he did need a hug. So when the day needed a little snuggle, he would approach you. "Feeling a little cold today, you?" and you would just hug him tight. "Do you feel my love?" you smiled as your face was deep in his man boobs (man am I a whore for man boobs..so squishy and shit)

----

Gaz needed affection in fun ways. So every morning you would send him memes, or tease him about something. "S'not funny." "My uncle broke his neck tap-dancing once." and back to giggles it was. At times since you and him were somewhat the same age, you'd send tiktoks to one another.

"Gaz can you serve" He would pose and you'd laugh, "no like serve your country" and he'd salute. "Fucks sake was that." ghost would whisper to Price. "Maybe if we don't move, they won't notice us."

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

(please tell me this is what you meant when you said "done it" cuz if not,,,them im putting myself on blast here)

NSWF(kinda) MINORS DNI!!!

MANHANDLED im telling you!!!

These man were starving for some sex. So when the opportunity rose, you as a decent person, homie hopped. (I would too, so no shame here)

It first started with Ghost, then König. Then the two men with you(yes..threesome bc we only live once). Soap would probably find the three of you fucking. It would be on accident though. He was walking around base when he heard you scream, and when he opened the door you were in between the two big men.

After a week of witnessing the naked horrors of his superior and friends he would talk to you. "I was tempted." you confessed. "Mind doing me next?" he bluntly said. "I mean, would you be up for it?" "Now? or later?" he looked at you, soon later it was you and him and the same room he had caught you in.

Then like a good father and son, price and gaz shared you. And I mean SHARED. You didn't hesitate, mainly because you had a thing for gaz since the beginning, but price was more of a fantasy that turned real.

It took a little bit of convincing, and a lot of drinking and smoking (green plant activities ) to be in the presence on them all.

Gang bang? anyone? Anyways, it was a sworn secret that was called a one time thing. But after the 3rd time of the one time thing it was just a team building exercise for sure. (monthly so you would be able to walk properly)However after every mission Ghost and König would fuck the anger off of their system. Price understood why you wouldn't be able to make it to some training days, those were also the days he had fun with "excuse or not you better pay your debt"

tags: @g4y-gr3ml1n

REQUEST ARE OPEN!!

A/N: please tell me you understood why the title is that?

[bl3ss3dbyt1amat]

misc bg3 companion hc

this is so much. i have no idea and im also sorry. all of the origin companions included under the cut

astarion:

i feel like he claps funny. like hes clapping but its that specific way thats meant to be like quieter? like clapping on the palm of his hand. this might be projection but i feel like hes also the type of person to do like a little clap or a spin or his trademark ridiculous giggle whenever hes happy.

i think that hes prone to dramatics like. like pretending to fall on the floor and die if you say hes actually not on your mind 24/7. oh whats that? you dont think im the prettiest princess in the entire world? well astarion has dramatically fallen to the floor

in the early game astarion most definitely practiced his lines loudly and publicly (in camp). he cant even see himself in the mirror but hes trying to look all suave and being like "shall i compare thee to a summers night" while lae'zel and shadowheart both shout "NO" from across the camp. (can be interpreted as bloodiedblade/wyllstarion but i think wyll would be amused and even finish the quote).

wyll:

this man is probably good with basic medicines and ill die on this hill. hes got aloe vera type shit on him at all times. sure, hes not a cleric or healer or even a bard, but he'll stay with you and try his damned best to cheer you up when youre hurt or sick.

on a related note i feel like wyll would be absolutely DELIGHTED by a bard tav. he would just be so amused and filled with whimsy. never gonna complain about playing, even if its like 2am. just occasionally putting in song requests. hes so incredibly enthusiastic like spinning tav around like "THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!"

wyll probably keeps houseplants. (minor blazingblade but i feel like karlach would accidentally kill one of the plants and actually begin weeping. once she gets her engine fixed wyll tries to teach her how to garden. this goes weirdly) furthermore i think he like goes around his house like humming merrily and watering his plants and crap

gale:

i dont think hes coordinated at all. like this man is tripping down the stairs on a daily basis. he is dropping his tea, his book, his body, ect. to the point that hes got a habit of just hugging the railing for dear life every time he has to go down a staircase. this made traversing shit like the underdark actually literally horrible. every time he falls karlach is so overly concerned and probably offers to carry him. astarion, to everyones dismay, dies laughing each and every time

pretty sure wyll and shadowheart have a conversation about weird book porn. i am here to say that gale was holding back his power while that conversation happened. gale has read so much book porn and if you knew the real scale of it you would be concerned. tara is concerned at least.

shadowheart:

especially during early game, i feel like shadowheart was literally clenching so hard to avoid admitting cute things were cute. like "oh.. a stray mutt... charming I MEAN IN LIKE A GROSS WAY". she was trying to hard to be all scary and into shar and shit but she just really likes puppies and other animals and crap

if she were modern i feel like she would really like pixar movies (inside out comes to mind for reasons i cannot explain) and wear long jean skirts. i cant explain any of this but it is fact in my mind. even in the bg3 setting i do feel like she would wear very long boxy type skirts. sort of plays into her whole "dark priestess" sort of vibe

shadowheart was sitting in her tent with scissors fucking losing her shit with anxiety trying to cut her own bangs without a mirror. it is a literal miracle from selune that they dont look like complete and total shit. no wonder halsin was surprised. (minor silverheart/shadow'zel: when she first like actually properly noticed what shaodwheart did with her hair, since the initial joke is she cant tell what changed, i think lae'zel was very impressed. she even likened it to like a sort of war paint against shar. also we KNOW lae'zel likes silver)

(can be interpreted as bladeheart/,,, do wyll and shadowheart have a ship name yet? HM. well anyway i think that in conjunction with the previous headcanon about wyll gardening, he and shadowheart garden together and he specially grew her night orchids)

lae'zel:

ever since i looked at her stupid little mindflayer training dummie in camp ive had the image of her in my head very angrily and intensly carving up a turnip to look like a mindflayer. draws a little mean face on it like the worlds most violent six year old. every time she messes up on her little DIY project shes muttering curses in tir'su.

lae'zel will take any opportunity to infodump about githyanki culture. specifically red dragons. if she met a red dragonborn or even maybe a follower of tiamat or some shit she would be so hype. in her "i hate everyone SVAH" way ofc. but like. trying to casually slide trivia into battle conversation or party banter with all the subtlety of an owlbear. "yes... the battle preparations are proceeding as expected... as expected a red dragons hibernation cycle..." and everyone just has to turn their head and ask what the fuck shes talking abt

(can be thought of as silverweave: lae'zel and gale talk in draconic about dragon history and the celestial plane. hes so tickled to have a mutual interest with lae'zel)

no one hears lae'zel laugh but when they do its so weird. like its some weird like hissing sort of sound and everyone has to do a double take and make sure theyre understanding what the fuck is going on for a second. lae'zel is incredibly defensive when people notice it but theyre not trying to be mean

karlach:

before her engine gets fixed but like early on to where shes not used to it, karlach keeps trying to touch things and keeps breaking them. this fills her with genuine despair and she will start crying (everyone in camp has to go on a group effort to calm her down). she just thinks the world is so beautiful and is so sad she cant interact with it

she likes to dance but in like a boot stompin way. karlach is probably just an absolute party animal when she gets her freedom back because honestly in her situation who wouldnt be. SHE JUST GOT TO NOT BE ON FIRE LET THE GIRL PARTY

once shes been fixed to the point where she can touch people, she just never stops. manhandling everyone in the party constantly. oh whats that? tav is on low health? dont worry karlach is sprinting over to put tav on her shoulder. literally any problem can be solved by karlach hugs and i wont be taking feedback on this

[pandoa]

rook hunt is ripped with muscles and here's why

because some of you guys don't give him enough credit and my brain is rotting; let me live

i'll get straight to the point, i've tried out archery to see what it's like in the past—learned the basics and such—and for those who have never held a bow in their life, let me tell you it gets extremely tiring after shooting for more than an hour or so. so imagine how strong you must be to be shooting bows and arrows since you were a child. that is Rook Hunt, who was practically born from the womb with an archery set in his hand /j

bows have different draw weights that affect the speed, force, and distance that is needed to shoot an arrow. typically, children use bows with a 10-pound draw weight, as young adults and adults use bows with 20 pounds or more. to put this into some sort of perspective, i remember my stamina with the 20-pound bow lasted me about half an hour until my arms began to weaken and shake with how out-of-shape i am but anyways 💀

i've heard that the typical draw weight for hunting is about 40 pounds. and assuming with how long Rook has been an archer, i can imagine that he is physically well-fit enough to exceed the 20-pound draw weight and move onto more efficient bows for hunting like the 40-pound.

think about how developed your muscles must be if you began shooting with 10-pound bows since you were just a kid, moving onto 20 pounds as you get older, and eventually using the 40-pound draw weight as you gain more strength and hunting skills. knowing with how much Rook uses his bows and arrows, it's safe to assume that he most likely hones these skills by practicing archery quite often (i can see him going out to practice at least once a day; don't quote me on that though, this is just a thought i have considering that other hobbies also require daily practice to maintain a person's skill).

there are so many muscles involved in a human body's shoulders, back, chest, and arms that you must use when drawing a bow. exercises focusing on the muscles needed for archery are often done to strengthen an archer. this is where Rook's very toned figure comes in lol.

with the numerous muscles needed to carry out his hobby on a constant basis, Rook would need a strong set of biceps and shoulder muscles to keep up with the bow's general weight and stamina for however long he goes out hunting for. bro has built up muscles, man. built up muscles.

in game, though, i will admit his body does look on the more slim and slender side. i can see why some people in the fandom don't see him as a character with buff arms, but i would like to respectfully disagree. Rook Hunt has scrumptious arm and back muscles i'd shamelessly stare at as his magic hands do whatever wonderous things they do with his bow OH AND GUYS HIS LEGS I MEAN-

ahem. anyways.

i know many in the fandom tend to bully this observant hunter—with his questionable haircut and uh huntsman habits of his—however, these targets for harmless memes cannot overshadow the fact that Rook Hunt is ripped. from head to toe, this man is most likely relatively high among the list of twst characters that are incredibly strong (with Jack trumping them all) and is probably covered in toned muscles, which he maintains with his hunting.

this isn't even me simping anymore; it's just simple logic if we all go by what we know about the Pomefiore vice housewarden. i'll defend this man with my life—and that includes writing a useless essay on why Rook is more muscular and buff than we may think lmao

so in conclusion, Rook has beefy arms that the world is not prepared to talk about just yet. the end.

[realisticjupiter]

Hiii I hope you're doing well this fine evening:) I was wondering if you can write chishiya that notice this one beach resident (reader) that keeps staring at him and at first he thinks that she's planning some evil schemes or something but no he just finds out with his super detective skills she's drawing him. Alot. And ends up confronting her about it. Thank you sooo much xoxo.

ꔫ ⸝⸝ summary: chishiya always seemed to catch you in the act. what was the act? he needed to know.

ꔫ ⸝⸝ pairing: chishiya x gn!reader

ꔫ ⸝⸝ genre: fluff

ꔫ ⸝⸝ warnings: none

ꔫ ⸝⸝ word count: 931

A/N: this was a little rushed but i hope you still like it!

It started off as what Chishiya hoped to be a coincidence. When he'd catch your gaze and you'd walk away; like a guilty dog.

He could tell you've gained more confidence when you'd stare right back at him and continue the soft movements of your wrist on the notebook you had laid on your lap.

Then it became more frequent, like you'd been following him and knew everywhere he'd be.

At some point he thought he was the one following you.

He couldn't pull away when he saw you again. Up on a balcony with the ability to look at every other beach resident, but every time you looked up--your eyes were on him.

He had given you the nickname 'Stalker' when talking to Kuina about it. And Kuina happened to be the one who put the paranoid thought that you were plotting an evil scheme against him.

Honestly, it could make sense. The constant writing, the more frequent encounters. What else would it be?

Chishiya, the curious cat. Far too curious for his own good the way he made his way back inside the Beach. Fast and large footsteps going towards where he saw you. Hoping he'd catch you before you'd disappear again.

But just with his luck, the chair you once sat in was empty. He took smaller steps to walk deeper inside the balcony, looking down to see your perspective.

Chishiya turned around, eyeing the chair that he wanted to stuff in an evidence bag and get it tested for anything and everything to figure out who you were.

He kneeled down, bringing his hand out to grab onto the black piece that felt like chalk on his fingers.

It was charcoal. Why did you have charcoal?

And as smart as Chishiya was. He now realized every theory he had, was now wrong just by this small piece in his hand.

He stood back up, studying the charcoal under his intimidating gaze as if it would talk to him with words.

You were an artist. At least, that's what it seemed like. Someone plotting on his demise wouldn't be writing a plan in charcoal. But rather draw a picture, like a face they could see daily.

That was his face.

Now he really wanted to find you; more than before. He wanted to ask you if he was right, and then maybe you'd show him your art with a smile.

He thought about that charcoal piece since he had woken up. And he realized maybe he could see the way other people viewed him, outside of his life and onto a piece of paper.

Catching you in the act seemed easy in his mind. He went to the same place every morning, and he'd see you there too. But instead of being on his side of the room, he'd sneak up behind you. Startle you, then help you up before taking that charcoal piece out of his pocket and into your view.

Sometimes he scared himself how easy it was to predict other people's moves, it felt like he had some sort of superpower.

Because that's exactly what happened.

You jumped to the sound of his voice, "Stalking again?" His voice husky, but soft as he spoke with a grin.

"Maybe?" You spoke as if it was question towards him, afraid you had made him uncomfortable.

"Maybe?" His grin grew larger when he quoted your words back to you, bringing out that charcoal piece you left behind.

You put on a shy smile when you saw it, reaching your hand out to grab it before he pulled away.

"It took me a while to find out what you were doing." Chishiya spoke, looking around your body to try and spot that notebook you carried around.

"It's only fair you show me what you were really doing." He cleared his throat after the words left his mouth, his eyes going back to yours to study your expression.

"That's true..." You chuckled, "I guess that is fair." You sighed, taking the notebook out of the satchel that rested on your body.

You handed it to him. You didn't need to show him a certain page, the entire notebook was just filled with him and maybe someone who was standing beside him if you got bored.

He noticed a few of him and Kuina, noticing the perfect strokes of led or charcoal that stained the white pages.

"These are better than I thought they would be." He hummed honestly, slowly flicking through the pages and taking in everything they offered.

"Thanks." You nodded, "Sorry if I made you uncomfortable... Or anything. I'm not good at talking to people. And you're quite satisfying to draw." You explained through a nervous lump in your throat. Your fingers fidgeting with each other as they rested above your thigh.

"I'm not uncomfortable." He shook his head, finally peeling his eyes away to look at yours. "I thought you were trying to kill me at first." He shrugged, looking back down.

"Oh," You nervously laughed, trying to wait patiently for him to hand it back.

"Where'd you learn how to draw?" He asked curiously, finally closing the notebook and handing it back to your shaking hands.

You shrugged, "Just something I taught myself over the years." You explained, stuffing the notebook into your bag.

"If you ever draw me again, you should show me." He wasn't suggesting it, he was hoping it.

You nodded before watching him walk away, only realizing he hadn't given the charcoal piece to you until he was out of sight.

reposts and comments are appreciated <3

[sgiandubh]

"These people are not your toys"

you are right, Cait is not a toy, she chose the man (Tony) she loves, and decided to marry, and have a baby

and sam is not a toy, he chose the life of celibacy and engaging in commercial and investment work

They are not a toys, we insist on making our dreams come true during them, ignoring their complete free will.

Dear Free Will Anon,

Since you people keep on coming back over and over again with the same points of talk, when - again - you cannot, by now, reasonably expect a different feedback, especially from that coin flipping, bizarre woman you just love to call a lunatic every single day, I am going to take another angle. We all know how you, people of Mordor, like a good debunking, and this is exactly what I am going to do tonight, with you.

Over time, I have watched this kind of interaction repeating itself ad nauseam, over and over and over again. I have also read a massive amount of comments to this type of antics, and came to the conclusion that most of them thought "Anon is stupid and must go away immediately". A banal, convenient conclusion. Your efforts deserve way better.

Anon, you are anything but stupid, when you behave like this, trolling around like a headless chicken, waiting to ignite something, anything. You also know perfectly well that you are not going to change anybody's mind and can at best count on people cursing you (my two native languages have very colorful idioms for these situations, so you get double trouble) in different time zones.

What you are trying to do, Anon, is use a classical assertive technique, called the broken record method. Since you all think we are professional liars, I will just quote some easy, website material that explains it very clearly (available here: https://www.revolutionlearning.co.uk/article/the-broken-record-technique/):

What that does tell me about you and your ilk is, however, not very glorious for you:

It's rich that you try to do that with a diplomat and a former government negotiator, Anon. It's like trying to sell cucumbers to the gardener, to quote a proverb from my country and it is always met with a snort. I use the broken record almost daily - albeit more politely and considerately than you - especially when I reach a stalemate in a difficult point of talk.

Unlike me, you do have an unsavory agenda. While doing some research for a future post, I came across this very interesting article about sealioning, a new form of online harassment : https://www.forbes.com/sites/marshallshepherd/2019/03/07/sealioning-is-a-common-trolling-tactic-on-social-media-what-is-it/?sh=4df0169f7a41

This spiel is old and tired by now, Anon. Along with some cleverly planted calumny, it has made a pariah out of the whole shipper community and led to frictions, schisms, conflicts, broken fandom experiences, people leaving in droves, people being doxed, attacked, pressured, strange interviews of the female lead, etc.

You are the last Mordor Anon bringing up McSideburns that is going to get my attention. And it would be wonderful if we'd stop feeding the trolls once and for all and not answer this question anymore, all of us. At least get your act together and diversify, Mordor. You are very good at lying : Stalin would be proud of you, chickies.

And now, to quote Boney M, show me your motion, Anon. Enough is enough: guess what, editorial policy just changed.

[radiosummons]

Even though Wolfwood is very much not an actual Catholic priest, I do find it compelling that Vash--someone without any religious beliefs and minimal exposure to "Christianity," courtesy of Rem (OG Trigun)--is the most faithful of the two.

And by "faithful," I don't mean so much in a religious or Christian sort of sense. More that Vash holds onto his faith that there is good in people and that everyone is worth saving. That the taking of a life is something so unspeakable to him that it will literally cause him immense mental, emotional and physical pain when he is forced to do so. His unshakeable belief, i.e. his faith that every life is precious and no one is beyond redepmtion irregardless of how morally corrupt an individual may be is so foundational to who he is as a character.

While I've only really experienced this through anime and various other Japanese based video games, I do enjoy seeing depictions of Christian iconography and concepts form non-Western creators. I love the art and memes of Vash being a "biblically accurate angel" (even though Plants aren't angels, I am so fucking happy that people are picking up on the unintentional symbolism) and I do enjoy the amount of, again, art and memes of Wolfwood being a cringefail Catholic priest.

But I also love the non-Western depiction of Christianity in Trigun, or rather the apocalyptic remnants of it. Despite the fact I have lost my ability to have faith in a higher being (and my own personal beef/distate with the Catholic Church/conservative Christianity as a whole), I find the worldbuilding of Trigun fascinating in this aspect as it provides its audience an alternative form of a global religion that's very relevant to our daily lives.

In Trigun, Christianity is very much a shadow of its former self, a leftover remnant of humanity--more specifically, a remnant of an old forgotten belief system--that has been essentialy been lost. Save for a few remaining Bibles and some memories of particular Catholic iconography/symbolism.

But overall, that's all that remains. Just familiar symbols and various rituals that some people are able to recall from their former lives.

So the decision to pair Vash up with someone like Wolfwood, someone who has lost his faith in humanity as a whole but has resolved himself to protect those that he can (or rather, deems worthy of saving) ... I find that relationship absolutely fascinating. Because I'd argue that in most Western depictions of a holy man (typically Christian and typically Catholic, let's be real), it's usually the holy man that is doing the saving. Or at the very least, is usually helping guide the other characters on their own paths towards redemption.

Despite the fact Wolfwood isn't an actual priest but instead an assassin trained by a mercenary group using the guise of an old religion (again, that most of humanity has clearly forgotten about), I find it to be a wonderful storywriting choice to make Vash the "holy man."

They're both incredibly tragic characters that burden themselves with crippling destinies. Destinies that ultimately lead to their own destruction, but hopefully all for the greater good. Vash holds faith that maybe, just maybe, he can make Nai realize the error of his ways and turn over a new leaf.

Understandably, Wolfwood finds this way of thinking horribly childish and naive. He even takes it as a personal insult when Vash continues to insist that killing people, even if it's for the sake of protecting someone else, is wrong.

But Vash isn't wrong for wanting to see the good in people. To borrow a quote from Everything Everywhere All At Once: "You tell me it's a cruel world, and we're all running around in circles. I know that. I've been on this earth just as many days as you. When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything. I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight."

Granted, Vash doesn't express his beliefs as eloquently as this. But that doesn't really matter, though. Because Wolfwood doesn't need Vash to make express himself this way for Wolfwood to finally understand him. Vash, by the simple of virtue of being himself, is a good person who chooses to see the good in others.

And Wolfwood ... Wolfwood is someone who chooses to see the bad.

Wolfwood cannot quite bring himself to view the world the way Vash does. And Vash will never be able to share Wolfwood's opinions regarding who is worthy of living, either. But they respect each other and understand where the other person is coming from.

It does take Wolfwood a lot longer to understand Vash as a person, let alone his faith in humanity. But when he does, it's so satisfying to watch Vash become someone important to him. Someone that he wants to protects. Because if Vash won't defend himself, Wolfwood resolves to be the one to protect Vash.

Even if Vash doesn't really want that.

It's so fucking amazing to see these two clash over their ideals, whether it's in the form of playful teasing or straight up beating the shit out of each other. But they stay together and hold each other in such high regard despite their conflicting beliefs.

To me, one of the most beautiful aspescts of Trigun is that Wolfwood--a man of faith but only in name--gets to have such a close connection with Vash--a man of faith through and through--and that because of their relationship, they both inspire a existential AND spiritual crisis within one another.

Because in a world that makes no sense, they both find faith in each other. And if that isn't the most beautiful shit you've ever seen, then I don't know what is.

[crmsnmth]

Hello

I guess I wasn't clear enough on the third version, so here's Version 4 Introductions are stupid. Hi. My name is Chris. I'm 35. I live in a small-town of about 2000 people in the center of the state of Wisconsin. It is not even close to as glamorous as it sounds. I've lived in quite a few other places though, but I guess it's true that we always go home. I work as a kitchen manager/EC. I've been working in the kitchen on and off for most of my working life. My first job was a cashier at a certain fast food pizza place that makes rectangle pizzas. That aren't good, but the breadsticks always kicked ass.

I am a massive music fan (it's playing right now) and when I tell you I listen to all music, believe me when I say all music. My main daily playlist is always growing and includes everything from iwrestledabearonce to Katy Perry (listen to her unplugged album. Kissed a Girl as a jazz type thing is beautiful) to Atmosphere to Miley Cyrus to Alan Jackson to Dying Fetus. My favorite band is Descendents with Amigo The Devil and Frank Turner coming very very close to that coveted spot. I am a major horror fan, and I don't think I own a single t-shirt that isn't somehow horror related. I'm a sucker for the 80's slashers. I've seen every Friday the 13th movie enough times that if you ever watch them with me, I will annoy you by quoting the lines throughout the whole movie. I am Bipolar. Type 1. I am a raging cynic.

I am an addict in (long-term) recovery. I am sober. I write more than any sane person does, but I never once claimed to be sane. I write because if I don't, my head will explode. You can think this a metaphor all you want.

I do not write for anyone's approval, not even my own. I do this because it's a safe form of release that it's ok to be addicted to. If you have constructive criticism, I'll gladly take it because let's face it, I'm pretty bad at this whole thing. If you're just going to tell me I suck, in however many words, well, I don't need you to tell me that. Dick. I don't follow any rules or guidelines in what I write. So I call it lawless poetry even though half of it doesn't even fit poetry. Most of it is stream of conciseness built around a line or phrase I came up with during the day. I do this every single night. It's my ritual before bed. I journal (which is also posted in a blog) and then I work on my phrases and lines. I've been called garbage at this, but to those who can't give me a reason (other then you don't like it)if you can't back up your reason for being an art critic, your opinion means jack to me. Besides, anyone who claims to be an art critic is a narcissistic jackass. Art is subjective. Not just "I don't like it." Tell me why you don't like it. Tell me it's repetitive. I need to stop. Or I'll rant and moan about why I hate armchair critics for way too long.

So what will you find on my tiny drop in the ocean of the internet? You will see bad poetry, and an awful lot of it to be honest. You'll find random drops of fiction or a story I happen to be working on and want some form of opinion on it. I post at least once a day, but can post up to ten or fifteen times a day. And most of it is just your average mundane sad boy bad poetry. And if you see how much I do post, think of how much stuff I have laying around that never gets touched. I have boxes of notebooks, napkins and matchbooks with lines I thought were clever.

So since I write so much, what the hell is it exactly that I write about? That's easy. I'm pretty predictable in the end. So, this stuff: The Girl With Ocean Blue Eyes*, Kid*,The Broken Mirror Girl*, My Junkie Angel*, The Girl From California*, An Ex Band-Mate*, love, lost lovers, hopelessness, isolation, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, forgotten acquaintances, mental illnesses, rage, hate, rejection, joy, insignificant moments, slices of life, laughter, beauty, self and self-reflection, self-hate, art, other writers, panic, infatuations, obsession, therapy, group homes, rehab, jail, grace, nature, loss, hope, fear, grief, anguish, philosophy, anarchism, nihilism, religion, god, the devil, ugliness, politics, serial killers, cults, suicide, death, destruction, chaos, music, validation, closure, memory, enemies, friends, rock bottom, sex, violence, rock and roll, sin, self-exploration, bipolar disorder, schizoaffecive disorder, pain, self-destruction much more.

Consider this line right here your trigger warning. Please see above to see my chosen subjects, and it should be clear that I will write something that can bring up some feelings. I make music as well for another creative outlet. No, I don't churn out songs like I do the written word, but I love my music and if you would like to tell me how much I suck at it here's the links:

If I come off as extremely depressed in my work, please know that I am fine. I'm good. Ok? Ok.

There, now you know the barest of my bare bones. You want to know anything else, just ask. I'm always happy for the fifteen second interaction. And I always try to interact with those who interact with me, but I am not one to talk first. If you follow me, know that I will most likely follow you back. Unless your space is empty, a bot, or straight-up porn.

*Not their real names.

[scientia-rex]

Reasons my life is better this year than last year:

-Umbrella reason: new job

-Work next to doc who consistently laughs at my jokes

-My boss doesn't get passive-aggressive and also doesn't mind profanity

-My boss, despite being straight, fully supports me providing gender care and likes to send me CME opportunities for conferences I can't go to because I can't take time off without a lot of notice but it's still a nice thought that he saw "LGBTQIA+ healthcare" and went "oh I know a doc who does that! she should go!"

-On my other side is an MA I get along with fabulously bc despite having different native languages we both appreciate the importance of snacks, naps, caffeine, and being a little bit snarky

-She always brings me a donut if somebody leaves a box in the break room and she knows I might not see them until they're gone

-My MA sits behind me and is possibly my long-lost twin? Except that she's a foot taller than me, GOD, I wish I was tall, but we're on the same wavelength at all times and we have very similar interests and senses of humor and I love it and I hope she works here until we both retire

-The other people who sit in our room with us vary between a delightful nerd who I only haven't befriended harder bc she has kids and is always making a point of going home to them on time, an older doc who works per diem for us now and taught me how to do greater occipital nerve blocks on a whim and is actually a decent person despite being an old white privileged man, and our dermatology provider who once told a patient I was, and I quote, "cool as fuck," which is funny because I think SHE'S cool as fuck

-Our nurses are the best. Just the literal best. They go all out, on a daily basis, to not only make sure I do the minimal amount of bullshit busy work, but also to make sure patients are getting high-quality care and that they have positive interactions with our clinic, and they never kick a request back to me with "we can't do that," they will always at least ask around to see if someone else knows. I love them. I love them so much I literally sometimes cry about it.

-Our chief referral coordinator is so much fucking fun AND so good at her job. I ask her for things and they just... happen??? She's relentlessly competent and also loves animals and also when I mentioned I need more plants gave me seeds from her double-ruffled hot pink poppies, which I WILL be planting next year.

-Seriously, I love everybody at my new work. It's been 10 months and I feel like a rescue animal, finally starting to creep out of my shell and have a personality, after working at my prior clinic for 4 years (2 in residency) of absolute chronically understaffed passive aggressive toxic workplace hell. Like, I love the providers at my former clinic, I love the support staff, I loved my patients and I loved what I got to do, but there simply weren't enough people and everyone was always being told to do more and more and more with no additional time or resources or compensation, and that was a big part of why I quit--I could see, very transparently, that the administrators didn't give a hot shit about how hard I was working and how I was busting my ass, any time they saw a chance to shaft me out of any benefit, no matter how small, that might save them money.

Life is better this year. I think it's going to be even better next year. I had no idea working in medicine could be this much better. Working in medicine is going to be draining, no matter what you do--but a good, solid, competent administration makes the difference between draining and soul-crushing.

[minastras]

iv. if i give my heart to you

prev • masterlist • next

words: 4.8k

warnings: swearing, underage drinking

——————————

The second you reached home you rushed to your room and shut the door, letting out a quiet, choked sob. You allotted twenty minutes for being miserable away from prying eyes, sitting on the floor with your back to the door and your head in your hands.

You’d read a Richard Siken quote a while back about sliding down a wall crying but only being able to focus on the wall in front of you and how you didn’t paint it all that well. That was you now, as you stared and stared and realised one of your power outlets was crooked. There was something so pathetically sad about hiding your tears when there was no one around to see you cry.

The next day, you told your friends you and Kai broke up. You didn’t give them any more details than that, lest your two stories contradicted each other again.

Aeri and Yizhuo tried their best to comfort you (and you appreciated it) but they couldn’t, not really. Not unless they knew the real reason you were upset. Kai hadn’t “broken your heart”; you’d gotten invested in something knowing it was fake. You were drowning in quicksand you’d willingly jumped into, and you had no one to blame but yourself.

Over the next week you and Kai stayed out of each other’s way. His friends gave you such pity-filled glances whenever you crossed paths that you felt compelled to tell them you were fine each time. Obviously, that was a big fat lie.

Daeseong and Daehyun asked about Kai only once, because the second they mentioned his name you’d burst into tears. They both got so scared they started crying too. You had never cried in front of them in your life.

“I’m cancelling my party next week,” Aeri told you after class. “Yizhuo and I’ll come over and we can hang out.”

“You don’t have to do that,” you shook your head. “Have the party. I know you’ve been excited about it for ages.” She’d recently gotten a pool table and wanted to show it off. You weren’t going to deny her that chance, especially not to just make her join your daily moping sessions.

“Fine, but you don’t have to come,” she acquiesced. She knew you well enough to know you hated pity, and that when you said things you meant them.

“No, I’ll go. It’ll help me take my mind off things,” you said, smiling and poking her cheek. “Anyway, I need to be there to keep you and Yizhuo in check.”

——————————

——————————

Empty bleachers haunted Kai at every practice, but he still looked forward to training. It helped to keep his mind off of you. For a while at least.

After he ended his fake relationship with you, there had been no teasing, ribbing, or I told you so remarks from any of his friends. Not even Beomgyu. How visibly torn up must Kai have been to elicit such unbridled sympathy? He hated thinking about it, the fact that other people knew the strength of his emotions.

Practice ended, and once again a dull ache crept its way back into his heart and settled in, making itself at home as it had for the last week.

Soobin cleared his throat and pointed over Kai’s shoulder. “Someone’s here for you,” he said.

His heart started racing. It was you. You were here to give him another chance to apologise. But then he turned around and saw your friend Yizhuo, standing at the bottom of the bleachers with her arms crossed, staring daggers right at him. He excused himself from the group and made his way over to her.

“Hi, Yi-”

She held up a hand, not in the mood for pleasantries. “I’m not here to be a messenger between you and Y/N. I’m also not here to beg you to take them back,” she started, narrowing her eyes. “They didn’t send me here, but you probably already knew that.”

He did; you weren’t the sort of person to pull such stunts. That’s what really hurt, that you didn’t want to talk to him at all.

“I don’t know what happened between you two, and frankly I don’t care. But I do know that you left them with the impression you don’t care about them,” she continued. You thought he didn’t care about you?

“Whether you guys get back together is none of my business. I just hope you’ll show them they mattered to you and give them closure instead of running away,” she said, before pivoting on her heel and leaving.

Kai sat at his desk that night, unmoving, as if the right path of action would come to him if he stared at his wall collage for long enough. Even Yizhuo knew he was a child, incapable of having important conversations, incapable of real relationships.

He pulled the polaroid of you and him after his championship game off the wall — the one you’d asked for but he refused to give up. He could still remember the feeling of your hands on his face when you kissed him, your palms cool in comparison to his skin flushed from the exertion of the game.

His friends teased him relentlessly over this photo and the way he stared at you in it, saying he was happier at the kiss than their championship win.

He set the picture down on his desk and reached for his phone. He had something he needed to say.

——————————

Did you regret attending Aeri’s party? Maybe. But you couldn’t back out now, and you didn’t want her to worry about you.

While Aeri shepherded the earliest guests down to the basement to see her new pool table and Yizhuo greeted people at the door, you were in the kitchen making a gigantic bowl of your signature sparkling strawberry vodka punch.

It gave you something to do, at least, that didn’t necessitate being out in the living room where the rest of the party was. Talking to one or two people when they popped into the kitchen for a drink was a hell of a lot easier than doing that.

There was no way Kai would turn up, you kept telling yourself, trying to be normal.

You repeated that again when you finally left the kitchen and saw Yeonjun and Soobin walk through the front door.

And again when you were talking to Jongseong in the backyard and spotted Beomgyu and Taehyun walking up the driveway.

Jongseong was trying to assess you — to figure out if he could flirt with you or if you were still upset about Kai — and in the back of your mind you knew that. You answered that question for him when you locked eyes with Kai through the open back patio door. He looked away, a see-through cup of your punch in his hand.

Jongseong turned around as your mask of friendly bubbliness slipped off in an instant and shattered all over the grass beneath your feet.

“Yeah, I figured you’d still be hung up on him,” Jongseong said, sounding mildly disappointed. How long had Kai been watching you? When did he even get here?

“Mm, I guess so,” you shrugged, pushing your entertainer smile back onto your face. But you weren’t fooling anyone, not anymore.

“It’s fine, Y/N. I get it,” Jongseong chuckled, taking a step back to indicate he wasn’t going to pursue you further. “Now’s a bad time. I hope things work out, whether you guys get back together or not.”

You relaxed considerably, scrambling for the shards of your mask as you tried to smile back. “Thanks, Jongseong. I’ll be in the house if you need me,” you said, excusing yourself.

When you returned to the living room Kai was nowhere to be found. You headed straight for the stairs and up to the guest room, leaving the door unlocked behind you as you entered.

If there was anything you were jealous of in Aeri and Yizhuo’s houses, it was the balconies. What you would give to have one of your own. From up here, the sounds of the party seemed so far away. The night Kai had asked you to fake date him on this very balcony, exactly one hundred days ago, seemed equally distant.

It was a cold night, but not unbearably so as long as the air was still. The sky was clear but too polluted for visible stars. You propped your feet up against the edge of the balcony and leaned over the railing, looking up at the deep indigo anyway.

“Don’t do that. It’s dangerous,” came a familiar voice. You stepped back down and turned around, watching Kai shut the door behind him.

You closed your eyes tightly and turned away, back to the view from the balcony, and held your breath.

“You left the door unlocked for me, right? You were hoping I’d follow you, right?” he asked, sounding almost desperate for his assumptions to be true.

And they were. You told him as much when you sighed softly and once again turned around to face him.

He was wearing his student athlete jacket that you loved, a black and gold varsity-style jacket with ‘Kai’ embroidered in small gold letters on the front. You borrowed it sometimes, because it was soft, warm, and smelt like him. Selfishly, you wondered if he wore it hoping to run into you.

“Kai-”

“I’m sorry. Please, hear me out.”

It was too cold to be out on the balcony. You walked back inside, closed the sliding door behind you, and sat down on the end of the neatly made bed. He sat down beside you, hands fidgeting nervously in his lap.

If someone had asked you what you were anticipating from this conversation, you wouldn’t have been able to give them an answer to save your life. No, your head was filled only with him — how sad his eyes looked and how much you wanted to hug him. There was no room in your mind for speculation.

“The other day when I told you I wanted to end things, I was lying,” Kai began, pausing after every other word, choosing them carefully. He wasn’t looking at you while he spoke, his eyes locked low on the wall in front of him. On a power outlet.

“I actually wrote a whole thing out on my phone — that’s what I was looking at — but I didn’t read it out because I was being a coward,” he continued. “Can I read it to you now?”

There was a block in your vocal cords preventing you from speaking. All you could do was nod and watch him pull out his phone. He turned to face you, and each time he glanced up from his phone at you while he read, his eyes seemed to get shinier.

“You were right, it was real. All of it. I avoided thinking about us until you brought it up because I’m immature, I’m childish, and I don’t like thinking about the serious stuff. What people say about me is true, and I was terrified by how much I like you. I chose to act as if everything was fine, and that wasn’t fair to you.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, and that I made you feel like you didn’t matter to me. That was the last thing I wanted to do, because you’re my favourite person. I like everything about you. You just get me, and I never have to pretend around you. I want to be your boyfriend, your actual boyfriend, and I promise I’ll grow up for you. If you’d have me.”

He cleared his throat awkwardly and pocketed his phone, fidgeting with his hair like he always did when he was nervous. You watched him, biting the inside of your cheek, the ambient noise of the party downstairs crackling in the background.

“I- I meant to say all that a long time ago,” he said, trying to hold eye contact with you but breaking it constantly. His hands rested uncomfortably on his knees, like he didn’t know what to do with them.

“Do you still mean it?” you asked. “All of it?”

“Yeah, I do,” he nodded, before sighing and pushing his hands through his hair again. “I just- you know me. I can’t commit to people. I’m the last of my friends to grow up.”

Huening Kai: the master of puppy love and nothing more. Or so people used to say. But there were other types of love aside from romance, and you’d always known he was capable of those. The guest bedroom was painfully quiet, enough so that you could hear him breathing.

“You keep saying that, but I don’t think it’s true,” you said.

“You’re right: it’s Beomgyu,” he agreed, giggling nervously. It had been too long since you last heard him laugh. You smiled at his cautious joke, which appeared to reassure him slightly.

“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I should’ve talked to you earlier,” you mumbled. Your initial outburst must have come out of nowhere for him. The embarrassment of your past actions hit you, delayed, but you pushed it aside and soldiered on. “Can- can we try this again? I don’t want to live with regrets.”

You had barely finished getting out your last word when Kai leaned forward and kissed your cheek, urgent yet hesitant, eager yet tentative. He was beaming as he reached for your hands and held them in his.

“Me neither.” There were sparkles in his eyes.

He kissed you again, pecking you on the mouth this time, and you leaned against him with a content sigh. You could stay like this forever, wrapped in his arms with a soft warmth in your chest you’d never felt before. You played with the gold ring on his pinky finger.

“Kai?” you whispered, closing your eyes.

“Yeah?”

Your voice was soft and hopeful. “This is real, right?”

He moved his free hand to the nape of your neck, gently turning it to tilt your head towards him so he could press his lips to your temple.

“It’s real. I’m all yours,” he promised, “for as long as you’re willing to put up with me.”

You buried your face into his jacket and laughed, breathing him in. His cologne was woody and faintly sweet. “Stop saying things like that,” you mumbled. “This week without you was the longest week of my life.”

He froze, but after a second he relaxed and pulled you closer.

“I told my friends the truth, by the way. They were the ones who knocked some sense into me,” he said. “Speaking of which, we should probably go downstairs.”

Shit. You needed to tell Aeri and Yizhuo.

“They probably all think I’m an idiot now,” you groaned.

He sat up and grinned cheekily. “Is what other people think important to you?”

You rolled your eyes and nudged him, but you didn’t let go of his hand even as you stood up and led him to the door. “Hah, very funny.”

“Hey, you’ve asked me so many difficult questions. I should get to ask you some, too,” he complained, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over your shoulders.

That indescribable soft warmth grew stronger. It reminded you of how your skin felt when you stepped out of a cold room and into the sunlight. You’d missed the feeling of having Kai’s hand in yours so much that it was almost overwhelming, delivering a rush to your head that made you dizzy.

“Well, then, to answer your question: no, it’s not,” you smiled, opening the door.

The party was still thumping along downstairs; with all the chaos going on you could hardly blame anyone for missing your absence. But the second you and Kai reached the halfway point of the staircase, Taehyun spotted you from the backyard through the kitchen door like some kind of superspy, breaking into a knowing smile immediately.

“What’s that like? Must be nice,” Kai joked, although the underlying element of truth was clear in the look in his eyes as he waved to Taehyun. You squeezed his hand and smiled, trying to be comforting, not knowing if you were doing a good job or not. He led you towards the front door, clearly wanting to leave.

“Are you okay?” you asked, feeling the tension in his forearm as you held onto him so you wouldn’t get separated by the crowd. The chaotic chatter of the partygoers around you concealed your words and afforded you both a paradoxical privacy.

“Yeah. You’re here,” he replied, turning around and flashing you a sweet smile — the kind he reserved only for you. The sincerity of it knocked the air from your lungs temporarily.

Once you’d made it out of the packed house, you swiftly found Aeri to let her know you were leaving.

“Hi, uh-” Aeri started, staring at Kai’s name embroidered on the jacket around your shoulders. Her pupils were dilated from the alcohol. “What?”

“I’ll explain tomorrow, I promise,” you said, holding up your pinky finger.

She locked her own around yours with a dramatic eye roll. “God, I can’t wait to hear whatever this story is,” she ribbed, clearly joking, because she gave you a tight hug and told you to get home safe.

——————————

While you were talking to Aeri earlier, Kai had run around to the backyard to tell his own friends he was leaving to take you home. None of them had seemed even remotely surprised at this news. They saved all their questions for the group chat, not that he’d bothered to check his texts since. He’d reply to them later.

He tiptoed into your living room after you and took off his shoes, trying not to disturb your brothers.

“What are you smiling at?” Kai asked, watching you curiously as he locked the front door behind him and turned on the lights.

“Just making sure Daeseong and Daehyun did their chores,” you replied, looking around the room, clearly pleased that they had. The plates were washed, the floor was cleaned, and the curtains were drawn. As far as he could tell, the only thing left for you to do was iron.

Your wood floors were cold under his feet, even through his socks. He stood with his hands in his back pockets and waited for you to speak, but all you did was glance at the ironing and then back at him apologetically.

“I’ll help you,” he offered, never mind that ironing wasn’t exactly a two-person operation. He knew you’d forgiven him, that you were ‘back together’, but he remained on edge. You did too. Standing right beside you as you ironed and he folded clothes, he could almost taste the nervous energy radiating off of you. You two still needed to talk.

“Do you want to spend the night?” you asked. You had never invited him to stay over before.

Inquisitive, he studied your features. “Do you want me to spend the night?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I will.”

You fell silent. He continued folding, biting his tongue.

“I feel like I should say something, but I don’t know what to say,” you admitted, with your trademark straightforward bend, your eyes locked on Daehyun’s school uniform shirt you were pressing.

“Why did you take me back?” he blurted out, surprised by his own forwardness. He hadn’t quite realised how close to the surface in his mind that question had been bubbling for the last hour until now.

The laundry pile had depleted much faster than he expected it to (you were clearly a better ironer than he was), reduced to just two of your own school uniform shirts. You switched off the iron and set it aside, reaching for his hand. He gave it to you.

“I really like you, Kai,” you began, and as if you could sense his apprehension you immediately added, “the real you, not the one everyone else sees that you keep calling immature or cowardly or whatever you said earlier.”

Yeonjun had mentioned something ages ago: he said he spoke to you after school once and asked you what you liked about Kai. You answered, “everything.” At the time Kai figured you just didn’t know how to respond (because what kind of question was that, right?), which was what he told Yeonjun.

“No, man,” Yeonjun insisted. “I was joking around with them like, ‘Are we talking about the same person?’ And they shrugged and said, ‘He makes it easy.’ They had the corniest, dopiest smile on their face. It was revolting.”

Yeonjun was still reeling from his breakup at the time, clearly.

The way Kai felt now was exactly how he felt back then. It must’ve been more than two months ago. A flippant memory for Yeonjun, perhaps, and you probably didn’t even know Kai knew of the conversation, but Kai never stopped thinking about it.

“You’re kind, you’re caring, you’re selfless. You notice things that no one else does, and you’re always there to make sure I’m okay without ever taking credit. I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself, because you’re my favourite person too,” you continued.

He shook his head, fighting off a smile, holding your hands in his. “I don’t- that’s not true.”

At that, you frowned. “But you are. And you’re wonderful.”

Your eyes were soft but insistent, pulling him in and not letting him look away. He wasn’t used to such frank words. He was used to superlatives and grand titles: the best-looking boy in school, the MVP of the soccer team, one-fifth of the fifteen day kings.

But to be called wonderful was something else. It made him giddy.

“You didn’t tell me about Stackies,” you reminded him. “Most people would have. And you didn’t tell me about Hangil.”

Kai blinked. “How do you know about that?”

“His friends were bitching about it to Aeri,” you answered. “Wasn’t it because of us?”

“Not us, you. He was being inappropriate,” Kai replied, scowling now as he remembered the encounter. “But I didn’t keep it a secret out of some noble selflessness, I just didn’t want you to find out I punched someone.”

It took you all of two seconds to see through his obvious self-deprecating lies. You didn’t dwell on it though, merely letting go of his hand and reaching for the iron to turn it back on. He could almost see you thinking, trying to figure out how best to respond without scaring him off.

Neither one of you spoke while you pressed your last two shirts and he put them neatly on hangers, or while you left to put away the laundry and he helpfully kept the iron and ironing board.

He felt exposed, mortifyingly so. Your words were too kind, the type to make him want to run away. It wasn’t like he hated attention, far from it, but it was just different when it was your attention for some reason.

But when you returned from your room empty-handed and ready to talk, he stayed and listened.

“That’s not why. You know I wouldn’t have been upset by that,” you observed with a playful smile. You never complained about people like Hangil being knocked down a few pegs.

Kai shrugged. “Well, you shouldn’t have to hear stuff like that,” he said simply. You walked right up to him and took his hand again, and it felt like his heart was going to burst. “I know you don’t need me to protect you or anything, but-”

He was almost relieved when you leant forward and kissed him to shut him up, because it was apparent he was incapable of doing so himself. You tasted like your favourite raspberry chapstick, oh so sweet and intoxicating.

“See?” you whispered when you pulled back. “You are selfless.”

——————————

After Kai stubbed his toe on the corner of your kitchen counter and only barely stopped himself from shouting in pain, you decided it’d be better to head up to the roof to talk. If either of your brothers woke up now they’d never go back to bed.

You both put on your jackets and he dragged a blanket up the stairs behind him, ready to brave the night chill until you were tired enough to sleep. Leaning back against the tall parapet, legs tangled together as you sat side-by-side on the floor, Kai rested his head on top of yours with a happy sigh.

“You knew I liked you, right?” you asked, sitting obediently still while he wrapped both of you up in the blanket and tucked you in.

“I think so. I couldn’t understand why, though,” he said, only half-joking.

“What does that mean?” you mumbled, mindlessly opening the suspiciously-old pack of gummy bears Kai had fished out of his jacket pocket earlier. He told you not to eat them, but you didn’t listen. When you offered him one, he refused.

“I remember when you first started waking up earlier to prepare your brothers’ dinner before school so you could stick around until my soccer training ended,” he started, grabbing the pack from your hands to check if the gummy bears were still edible before reluctantly returning it. You sat up, ready to dispute that, but he stopped you.

“Don’t deny it! I could tell because you started answering my messages at six in the morning instead of six-thirty,” he said, grinning smugly when you closed your mouth and relented, lying back down. “And you always brought me snacks after my practice. I knew then, I’m pretty sure, but I didn’t feel like I deserved it.”

The rooftop was small, the view was unimpressive, and the night air was cold and dry, but none of that really mattered to him. What mattered was you, your hand in his, and your head on his shoulder.

“I cannot comprehend why you think you’re so unlovable,” you mused. Your tone was light, but he could tell you were upset from the way your voice pitched up ever so slightly as it always did when you got emotional.

He watched you eat the gummy bears with a lingering mild concern, turning your words over and over in his head.

“I don’t think that exactly,” he answered after a long pause. “I just don’t really know who I am yet.”

The implied ‘how can I think I deserve love if I don’t even know myself?’ went unsaid, hanging in the air between you two like a stubborn fog unwilling to clear. Sometimes it really did feel like everyone else around him was racing ahead in front of him, leaving him in the dust, aimless and confused.

“I don’t know who I am either. Most people don’t, even if they act like they do,” you pointed out sagely. “We don’t need to have everything figured out.”

He smiled and adjusted the collar of your jacket to better shield you from the wind. “How did you get so wise?” he teased, playfully messing up your hair with his free hand. You automatically leaned into his touch when he did, like you’d never fought at all.

“If only my report cards agreed with you,” you laughed, suppressing a yawn and checking your watch. “It’s past midnight. We should go to bed,” you said quietly.

The loss of your warmth as you stood up and walked over to the rooftop door almost made him whine. He dragged himself to his feet, more tired than he would’ve liked to admit, until a realisation hit him.

“Wait,” he called, chasing after you. You turned around, looking so cute in your massive teddy jacket.

“What-”

Kai put one hand on your waist and the other on your jaw, tilting your head up so he could kiss you. He felt no surprise, no hesitation, no tension in your body as he did, even though he’d caught you off guard. Your lips were tinged with the artificial sweetness of the probably-expired gummy bears you’d been eating, soft and plush as they moved against his.

He had been craving this for so long — to feel your waist in his hands and your fingers in his hair, to be as physically close to you as the laws of nature would allow. A real, proper kiss, one where everything else in the world fell away and he could think of nothing but you.

He was forced to pull away by his pesky need for oxygen, feeling the urge to kiss you again the second he did. You looked up at him, slightly confused but mostly blissful, the sort of dazed contentment one felt after waking up and realising a loved one had covered them with a blanket while they were sleeping.

“What was that for?” you whispered, your cold fingers wrapping naturally around his forearms to hold him closer. Like it was magnetic, both of you were drawn to each other.

He beamed, pointed to your watch, and kissed your forehead one last time. “Happy 100 day anniversary.”

——————————

thanks for reading!

-minastras <3

[whackacole3]

do you have any tips for new writers? you write fast and your fics are pretty damn good so i thought it would be good to ask you!

omg yeah, i can try! here’s a few things that come to mind. this stuff is mainly for writing fanfictions, but i guess it can apply to books as well?

reminder this is just what i suggest, if you think differently that’s okay! every writer is different.

and if anyone has any more suggestions, feel free to either comment and/or reblog with your suggestions.

(also idk what speed has to do with anything but that just comes with practice and motivation 😭)

1.) stop caring and stop worrying. i know this might sound counterintuitive but it's really not when you look deep into it. once you sit down and decide to just have fun is when your best work comes out, at least for me. writing is supposed to be fun, you’re supposed to enjoy it. if you find yourself stressed and dreading writing you’re doing it wrong. remember to take breaks if you need it to refresh yourself. writing is extremely hard, but i believe in you. just try to have fun!

2.) find more ways to come up with ideas. i think most people would agree that prompts are hard and many people don’t know how to come up with them. personally, i use quotes. if you know anything about me, quote fics are my fucking life, man! you can use lyrics from songs, a funny moment that happened in your life, a saying your parent always told you while growing up, literally anything! go wild.

3.) find your unique style. when it comes to writing, everyone has a style just like when it comes to any other art form. i write in a more casual, organic style because that’s what comes naturally to me. don’t try to mimic other’s styles because you think yours isn’t “good enough” or something of the sort. you can take inspiration, but don’t forget to be true to yourself and your own style.

4.) write how you want. piggy backing off the last one, don’t let anyone tell you something is “improper” or whatever. if you think adding a million commas best suits your story, then so be it! i use dashes, ellipses, and semi-colons like my life depends on it. it’s an important part of how i write and that’s that’s okay.

5.) make sure to commit to it. while it is important to not push yourself too hard and to take breaks if you need it, don’t forget to commit to it. try and write everyday. whether it be only a paragraph or the entire story in one go, every little bit helps. it gets you into the groove, basically! i’ve heard some people say that 250 words should be your daily minimum, but personally mine is 100. so it’s whatever works for you.

6.) don’t expect it to be easy. writing is hard, that’s just the case. you are making up your own stories (with already set in characters or not) and coming up with things is hard! it’s going to get confusing at points, it’s going to get frustrating, it’s going to make you want quit sometimes. this will happen especially if you write longer form content.

7.) don’t give up and always believe in yourself. feeding off of the last one, no matter how hard it is, don’t ever give up. take breaks for however long you need, but never give up. you can do this. and if no one else believes in you, believe in yourself. you are what matters.

8.) don’t forget to edit and revise. you don’t exactly need to go over your work once you finish, but it’s a very good practice. if look through it at least once or twice: you’ll find mistakes that you maybe didn’t notice; you’ll notice scenes/sections that you can elongate to better serve the purpose/narrative; you could find things don’t matter and can be removed; and so much more. you don’t need to go crazy over it, but it’s definitely something you should do.

9.) don’t forget/be scared to ask for help. everyone needs help from time to time, even the best authors/writers need guidance from others. ask your friends to help with a scene/part or two if you need it, if they’re willing ask them to edit/beta for you, and so forth. you’ll never get anywhere without the help of others, you can’t do this on your own and that’s okay. you might want to be independent and get there by yourself, but that will be ten times harder than if you just ask for a little bit of help.

10.) write for you and nobody else. i would say this is probably the most important one. don’t worry about what others think, story telling is for you! yes, you might share it with others (directly or by posting it online) but at the end of the day, it’s for your enjoyment and no one else’s. if you want to write an OC and canon character, do it! doesn’t matter if no one cares about your OC other than you. YOU ARE WHAT IS IMPORTANT!!!

[lino-ppang]

—possible reasons why you're blocked by me and/or other writers | lino-nyangi

so yesterday i found out that i probably have well over 1.5k blogs blocked for not respecting my blog rules when interacting so i decided to share this guide. i'm posting it on my sideblog so that blogs that i have already blocked can also see this.

this is a bit of an exhaustive list. i don't think all writers have these rules, so i ordered them by priority. meaning from those who ALL writers mostly likely block for, to least.

• you're a default blog. meaning your blog looks anything like this:

creepy. looks like a bot— which is a common thing in tumblr. bots interacting with your content can risk getting your blog shadowbanned, which does so much damage to writers. i for one am not taking that risk.

how to fix it:

put a profile picture on, it can be anything. name your blog, don't leave it as "untitled". i will get to more points as i go.

• you don't have an age indicator anywhere on your blog.

me and other nsfw writers impose this rule because we do not want our content anywhere near minors. if you don't have your age or 18+ (if you're uncomfortable putting a specific number), we can't guess if you're of age or not. so we block just to be safe.

that being said, all nsfw works do have explicit disclaimers. most of my fics have a "smut/minors dni" and/or this before the cut:

still, ageless blogs continue to interact with it. which i think is rude tbh. please respect the rules set. i know this doesn't prevent minors completely from having access to nsfw content, but disclaimers and blocking ageless blogs are the most we as writers can do to make it less likely. the rest of the responsibility falls on the minors themselves to stay away from content that's not made for them.

how to fix it:

easy! put an age indicator on your bio. you can edit your bio by tapping the 🎨 icon in your profile. if you still can't get it to work. make a new post, type in your age and any other stuff you would like to say about yourself (who you stan, what you enjoy etc) then hit post. once it's posted, tap the three dots on the top left corner and then tap "pin post". that way this post is the first thing to appear on your blog and writers can easily access the information.

• you have an empty blog.

tumblr mainly works through reblogging content, likes don't really do anything. here is a very informative post by @tasteleeknow on why and how to reblog to support your favorite writers ♡ please make sure to read it.

an empty blog leaving silent likes on fics is not only creepy, but leaves the writer with mixed feelings. you read the fic, you enjoyed it, but didn't bother to reblog it. did they not enjoy it enough? what didn't they like about it? and more stupid questions can make their way to the writer's head. reassure them with a reblog!

how to fix it:

i'm not asking you to post anything. a lot of people have blogs just to browse around. but reblog the posts that you see and like. fill your blog with things you enjoy/agree with. gifs, quotes, shit posts, fics. use your blog.

that being said, blogs with one single post reblogged or that haven't been active for months/years also get blocked. you're obviously still on the platform if you leave a like on my post. so again, use your blog.

• you have posts reblogged on your blog, but none of them are fics AND/OR you only "like" fics.

personally, i also block blogs who consume fics but don't reblog them. if you have no writing reblogged, either from me or other writers, i probably don't vibe with you. i don't expect everyone to enjoy everything i put out, but surely you enjoy other fics, don't you?

i'm not asking for everyone to interact with my content, i'm asking the ones who read it, to show that they did.

if you're a spam liker, you're most likely getting blocked too. i don't mind empty likes here and there (and to be honest it's too much work, most writers get empty likes daily. just look at the like/reblog ratio on any fic and you'll understand). but if you go through 5+ of my posts in a short interval without reblogging any, you're getting blocked. it risks getting my blog shadowbanned and makes me uncomfortable.

how to fix it:

if you like a fic, please don't just tap the heart and move on. reblog it. it lets the writer know you enjoyed it better than a like does, because it helps the fic reach more people like you that might enjoy it.

if you like to keep fics you want to read in the liked tab, a better option would be to reblog them with hashtags like #to be read or #reading list etc. that way when you search up the hashtag in your blog you can find all the fics you're been wanting to read. it can get easily messy with likes, as it's essentially the same thing as hoarding instagram posts in "saved" or tweets in "bookmarks". separating them with tags is much more organized and practical.

if you have a sfw blog with minors following you and you don't want to share nsfw content there, it's totally fine. i once again refer you to the post linked above where jade explains how to open a sideblog for reblogging fics and using tags.

tumblr is not social media, or at least i don't consider it so. it's totally anonymous, so you don't have to worry about anyone judging you for reblogging that fic with a weird kink. nobody cares, we're all mad here.

please please please don't be a passive content consumer. give back to artists and writers who spend a lot of time and effort on their work.

• i simply don't vibe with you.

now this is the least likely reason that you could be blocked for by me. but if you don't check any of the boxes above, it's probably the case. tumblr is all about curating your experience and so blocking/unfollowing blogs/content you don't really want to see is encouraged. less stress, less drama.

there isn't really a way to fix this, i probably won't be unblocking blogs i blocked for this reason simply because i did it for the sake of my own peace of mind.

—how to be unblocked

you can get in touch with me here via ask or private messaging to ask to be unblocked. i do, of course, expect you to fix the things that you might've been blocked for, or else i don't have a reason to unblock you.

[you may have also noticed that i have anon ask option off on this blog, that's because i need to know your username in order to unblock you. other than that, i just simply don't want to receive anon asks on here.]

i know there is a small chance that this will only encourage silent readers to be silent and not interact at all to avoid being blocked, which is way worse. but i'm begging you, -and i shouldn't have to do it- to not be a silent reader.

i hope this post was informative enough for you to realize why me or any of your favorite writers that you can't find anymore have blocked you. please consider fixing these things about your blog. we don't like blocking people, if anything, we want our fics to be enjoyed by everyone (of age). but please respect etiquette around this hellsite.

thanks for reading, have a good day! ♡