#i'm in a very bad mental space right now and i need some healing

[thelostpretzel]

Rodya has a single seat and that's so sad (not like that stops her from hanging around with other sinners though)

[finnsbubblegum]

Reunited (Joel Miller X Reader)

Pairing: no-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: mentions of car accident, mentions of loss of a child, grief, separation (let me know if i missed any)

Summary (Series): reader as Joel’s neighbor. Joel’s wife left him so Joel asked his neighbor for help in babysitting Sarah. 

Words count: 2.4k

A/N: I feel so bad and so stupid for not putting warnings for the previous chapter. Please forgive me😭 I don't want to leave you hanging with sadness so I'm posting this now to end the depressing chapters asap. I don't know if you will like this one or not but I tried my best! Still feeling guilty about the previous chapter. I'll try my best to post fluffs for the next chapters! This is part 16 of Where It All Starts.

And also thank you for all the opinions you sent me! ❤️

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Epilogue

“Baby, you need to eat.” Joel sat beside you on the bed with a tray of your favorite food.

“I’m not hungry.” Your eyes were red and you couldn’t shed tears anymore. 

You cried for days. You mourned for days. Joel mourned too but he didn’t want you to see him look weak. He wanted to look strong so you could be strong.

“It’s my fault. Not yours. Blame me. Don’t blame yourself.” Joel wanted to take the blame. 

He needed you to blame him so he could feel better. So you could feel better. He didn’t want you to feel guilty about what happened.

“I know you probably won’t forgive me. I totally understand. But you should know that I’m more than sorry. I’m so sorry. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better.” Joel was on his knees apologizing to you.

You just stayed quiet.

“I’m dying too, baby. It should have been me. Not him.” Joel sobbed on his knees.

You started crying seeing him vulnerable in front of you.

“Leave me alone, Joel. Please.” You asked him to go away.

“Baby..” Joel begged.

“Please.” You cried.

Joel didn’t want to argue so he decided to go out of the room and give you some space alone. You stood up right away and went to pack your suitcase. You put in some of your clothes and important stuff. You couldn’t stay in your house with Joel anymore. You needed some time alone to heal and he probably needed one too. You couldn’t comfort him and he couldn’t comfort you. So you decided to move out and stayed at your parents’ for a while to breathe and heal. But of course, you didn’t talk this through with Joel. You just suddenly went out of the bedroom ready to go out with a suitcase in your hand.

“Where are you going?” Joel rose from the couch. He had been sleeping on the couch since the accident happened.

“Don’t follow me.” You walked to the door, not even looking at him.

“Please, at least tell me where you’re going. I can’t leave you alone outside this late at night.” Joel begged.

“I need some time alone.” You didn’t tell him where you were going.

“Okay, take all the time you need. But please, tell me where are you going?” He repeated the question again. 

“You don’t need to know.” You insisted.

“Baby, please. If you don’t want to be with me, then I’ll leave. You stay here.” He offered for him to go rather than leaving you alone wandering at night.

“No. I don’t want to be here. Just please let me go, Joel!” You couldn’t stand it anymore.

You sobbed as you forced open the door and ran to your car. You rushed inside your car and drove right away. Joel ran to follow you and shouted your name. You cried as you drove away. 

Days went by, weeks went by, and months went by. You had been staying with your parents and your family had been very supportive. You were grateful to have them in your life. They took care of you and you were finally able to breathe and got mentally stable. You had never seen Joel or Sarah all those months. You didn’t even call Joel. The last time you knew Sarah was in Tommy’s house and Flo was taking care of her. Flo kept you updated on how she was doing and you sometimes talked with Sarah on the phone. That was enough for you. You didn’t want Sarah to see her mother looking awful so you tried sounding like you were okay on the phone. You told her that you and Joel were on a business trip and the two of you will not be back anytime soon. So you told her to be patient. You always cried each time after you called Sarah. She always asked about you and Joel and how she missed you. Most of the time Sarah cried on the phone and your heart broke. Tommy sometimes slipped in some news about Joel. He sounded bad. But you knew you and Joel needed space.

Every night when you closed your eyes, it all happened again. Joel yelling at you, you were crying, the car moving so fast, the sudden stop of the car, and then bam. 

You loved Joel. You couldn’t live without him. And he loved you too. He couldn’t live without you too. Both of you were soulmates. You wanted to forgive him so you were trying your best to find reasons to forgive him. You listed all of his kindness and everything you wrote was his good deeds. The only thing that hurt you was that accident. Why should you hate someone for only one wrong thing when he did more good to you? 

“Honey?” Your mom knocked on your door.

“Come in.” You closed your notebook.

“Tommy’s here.” Your mom slowly walked inside your bedroom.

“Tommy?” You tilted your head.

“Yes, he brought Sarah.” Your mom awkwardly added more information to you.

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows.

You weren’t ready to meet Sarah yet. Tommy was crossing the line. 

“I can’t see her. I’m not ready.” You shook your head. 

“She’s playing with your dad. But I think Tommy has something important to tell you.” Your mom put her hand on your shoulder.

“I don’t want to hear anything, mom.” You insisted.

“Honey, please. Just hear him out.” Your mom suddenly called Tommy inside.

“Tommy, come inside.” 

“Hey..” Tommy put his hand in his pockets as he walked slowly inside your bedroom.

“Sit here.” Your mom patted the empty space on your bed.

“How are you doing?” Tomy started a conversation.

“I’ve been better.” You replied coldly.

“Okay, I’m just gonna go straight to the point now.” Tommy sighed.

“We’ve checked the CCTV.” 

“What about it?” You raised your head as you heard Tommy say that.

“It’s the other guy’s fault. He hit your car. Joel drove on green light. Not red.” Tommy explained.

You cried as you heard that. You remembered it but you lied to yourself because you needed someone to blame. Now, you felt guilty for blaming Joel when you knew it wasn’t his fault.

“You need to see Joel, (y/n). He’s not doing well without you. He’s been caging himself inside the house. Sarah’s been crying asking for her mom and dad, that's why I brought her here. I hope you’re not mad at me.” He put his hand behind his neck.

You couldn’t speak. You cried. Hyperventilating. Your mom moved closer and rubbed your back. Her tears fell down her cheeks seeing her daughter like this. Tommy left the bedroom to give you and your mom some space. 

“I remember it, mom. I know it wasn’t his fault. I was just looking for someone to blame.” You sobbed at your mom’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, honey.” Your mom patted your back.

“How can I see him, mom?” 

“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. Both of you were hurting and I’m sure you will forgive each other.” Your mom comforted you.

After you cried your heart out, you and your mom went to the living room to see Sarah. 

“Mommy!” Sarah ran to hug your legs.

“Hi, sweetie. I missed you.” You crouched and hugged her.

“I missed you so so much! Where’s daddy?” She asked with innocence.

“He’s busy. You’ll meet him soon.” You stroked her head and smiled.

“Can I sleep with grandpa tonight, please, please, please?” Sarah begged.

Her grandpa spoiled her too much because he loved having girls. 

“Of course.” You chuckled.

“Yay!” She ran to her grandpa’s arms. 

“Okay, I think I’ll leave now.” Tommy waved his hand and walked his way out.

“Tommy, wait!” You followed him.

“Yeah?” He turned his head to you.

“Can you drop me to Joel’s?” You asked him to drive you.

“You sure?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Yes.” You nodded.

Tommy drove you back to your house. He offered to wait for you until Joel opened the door but you insisted for him to leave. So he left.

*knock on the door*

You knocked a few times and Joel hadn’t come out yet. You knocked again and again. Joel groaned as he got up from the couch. He had been drinking alcohol since you left him and slept on the couch. He didn’t want to sleep on the bed because it would remind him of you. After a few more knocks, he finally opened the door.

"Hey.." You tried to smile at him.

Joel looked awful. His hair was messy, beard was also messy. He had always had messy hair and beard but this time was messier. He got dark circles and he seemed like he had lost a lot of weight just like you. 

"How-Everything all right?" The first thing that was on his mind was your condition. 

"I-I'm okay. You okay?" You knew you weren't fully okay and he was absolutely not okay but you needed to ask. 

"I-uh-" He couldn't say anything.

"Can I come in?" You asked.

"Of course." He opened the door wider for you to come in.

Joel rushed to hide every trash on the tables and floors. He didn't expect you to come so he didn't have the time to tidy. It was like he was expecting a guest when you were actually his wife. In fact you lived there for a few years just until a few months ago. 

"Have you been drinking?" You scrunched your nose at the alcohol smell around the house.

Joel cleared his throat. He was embarrassed that you saw him in this condition.  

"You lost a lot of weight." You looked at him up and down.

“Did you even eat?” You asked him.

Then you walked to the fridge and checked inside. Nothing. Just alcohol. 

"Joel.." Tears welled up in your eyes.

"I'm sorry." The two of you said it at the same time. 

"No, baby. I'm sorry." Joel said.

"No, Joel. I'm sorry." You cried as you closed the fridge.

“It wasn’t your fault.” You breathed out.

“No, it’s my fault.” Joel kept blaming himself.

“No, Tommy told me. He saw the CCTV. You drove on green light. Not red. And I-” You couldn’t finish your sentence.

Joel looked at you and tears fell down his cheeks. He was relieved to hear the news. He remembered he pressed the gas pedal on green light but he thought he was hallucinating. 

“I’m sorry I blamed you. I was just-I needed someone to blame.” You sobbed. 

“It’s okay. I needed someone to blame too.” Joel walked closer to you to hug you.

“I will never forget this pain, Joel. It will always be here. But I know we have to move on. But I can’t do it without you.” You put your hand on your hurting chest.

“I know. Me too. Our baby will always be in our hearts. And I can’t do it without you either.” He nodded as tears fell down his cheeks.

You buried your face right away to his chest and he hugged you so tight. He placed his hand on your back and another on the back of your head caressing your hair. His chin resting on top of your head while your arms hugged him tight, pressing your body to his. You and Joel missed each other so much. The two of you had been away from each other for too long. 

“I missed you, Joel.” You mumbled in his chest.

“I missed you, too. I can't live without you, baby.” Joel kissed your head.

“I love you.” You pulled your head away from his chest to look him in the eyes.

“I love you more.” His tears fell down then he kissed you.

“I’m sorry I left.” You rested your forehead to his as you apologized.

“Doesn’t matter. What matters is now you’re here.” He gave you another peck then hugged you again.

“I’m never letting you go from now on.” He hugged you tight.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.” You swayed him a little bit. 

*stomach growling*

“Not me.” You chuckled.

You raised your head to look at him, hands still around his waist.

���Do you want to grab something to eat?” You chuckled as you looked at his embarrassed face.

“Yeah.” Joel chuckled.

It was late at night and most of the stores were closed so you and Joel drove to the nearest McDonalds and ordered a drive-thru. You and Joel bought burgers, fries, chicken nuggets and of course ice cream. Joel looked like he had starved for years so you made sure he ate a lot. Then you asked Joel to drive you to the hill, his favorite place in the city. 

“It feels good to be back here.” You took off your seatbelt and passed him his burger.

“Good memories are made here.” Joel took a bite.

“Hmm.” He sighed and closed his eyes as he chewed on the burger.

“It tastes so good.” Joel chuckled and bit another big one.

“Slow down, mister. I know you have been starving yourself for months but you need to slow down or you’ll choke.” You chuckled.

“Just realized I’m starving now.” He chuckled. 

“I’m glad you’re back.” He extended his right hand to cup your cheeks.

“Me too.” You smiled and caressed his hand.

“Eww Joel! Your hand is greasy!” You grabbed a tissue and wiped your cheek.

Joel’s hand was greasy from the burgers and fries and he just held your cheeks with it. Joel chuckled. 

“Oh! Payback time!” You took some french fries and wiped them on his face. 

“That’s fair.” Joel scrunched his nose and closed his eyes while he giggled. 

You giggled then you took a tissue to clean his face and beard. 

“I love you.” You leaned in closer to his lips as you wiped his face.

“I love you too.” Joel kissed you with his greasy lips.

You smiled and kissed him back ignoring the greasy lips. The two of you finally reunited and be each other’s shoulder to cry on. Your bond with him grew stronger because you were each other's purpose in life.

To be continued… 

Taglist:

@lovelyygirl8 @skysmiller @moonlightdivine @crocodiile @angie2274 @pulchritudinousrogers @peqchsoup @msecho19 @happinessinthebeing @nyotamalfoy @nakedmoondiaries @dzaga890 @pa1g3-t0mm0 @prettysbliss @wanniiieeee @one-sweet-gubler @x-ap0llo-x @feministfanboi @ordinarylokix @afterglowsb-tch13 @padgraysonssram8re @tomorrowseverything @hummusxx @iranispunk @mrsyixingunicorn10 @likeanimagepassingby2 @mediocrewallflow3r @pedr0swh0r3 @mxtokko @dorck26 @cascactus28 @cheyxfu @stupidthoughtsinwriting @undermoonlightwalk @bigmoodyjoody @humanbug @sarahhxx03 @krisviciousx @quixscentsposts @dgct2 @dgraysonss @heybabyshae @fluffyspaceprincess @toottmblr @avengersfan25 @xixxala @dianaffddz @onzayhe @violetwitchmcu @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @kelh27

[cinamun]

One thing that I think I've noticed as this story has progressed, and in general, is that we always expect and or look for reason in men's bad behavior. There is always a reason for them to do bad things, outside of them actively choosing to be a bad person. Someone must have failed them, she must have failed them, she must have failed him, etc.

Elliot tried to kill Hope. He tried to drag her with him into the abyss, and yet he was not viewed as an attempted murderer, but instead as a friend who had gone astray. Someone who needed more support or more attention. At his funeral, people wept over the fact that he couldn't be saved! It is always tragic when someone makes a fatal decision that harms themselves and others around them, but I notice that, especially in the black community, black women's victimization takes a backseat to the pain of black men.

Now we see something similar with Bishop. While it's interesting to ponder the complexities of why he is the way he is, Mercy is being preyed upon! She sets boundaries, and he crosses them, always with an undertone of violence. There is talk about whether he cares or if he can change, and it falls into that same line of thinking. "If I love him more, then he'll do right." "I can fix him" "He just needs..."

Anyway, let me know if I'm way off the mark, but it seems like women tend to take on far too much responsibility for the feelings and actions of men, to the point of forgoing their best interests.

Yes... and

That's society for you, amirite? Always prioritizing the needs of men.

But I'm going to challenge that..... as I do. Spoilers below the cut.

Yes I believe that, in the case of Elliot and Darren, there was absolutely a reason for them to do bad things and some have chosen to dismiss those reasons. Elliot was actively mentally ill, but rather than address mental illness, we chose to throw him away. We literally witnessed this young man's decline and if we can't separate his actions on the pier from his diminished mental state, what does that say about us and how we perceive mental illness?

In fact, when did Hope take a backseat? Once Elliot was collectively thrown away, all eyes centered on Hope's healing and rightfully so! But one thing I'm not gonna do (I feel it would be irresponsible as a Black woman writer) is stifle Hope's healing to uplift the man who hurt her. Hope was wrapped in love by everyone, including her husband (a Black man).

Why didn't we throw Indya away for the nasty shit she did like taking a baseball bat to Darren's nose? Or throw Jerri away for the literal attempted murder of Juan? If I do nothing else, I want us to think about things like this and force questions that we wouldn't ask ourselves otherwise.

I've opened up a space in this current arc to look at a very clearly damaged individual (Bishop) through multiple lenses. I don't think acknowledging Bishop's humanity (pixelness) necessarily means "I can fix him". Like, at all. I think our readers are smarter than that and only recognize nuance. Some of y'all be trippin tho ngl lmfao

Not everyone saw Bertie as preying on a drunk Jackson but she was. The reason no one really flipped it is because Jackson is a man. But he was a man who was not capable, in that kitchen, of making a wise decision; so he made a horrible one.

Men irritate me just like anyone else but one thing this story has tried to do is simply acknowledge the humanity and capacity for growth within all of us.

[wingzie]

Hi.

Your experience as a Jikookers is the same as the experience of Taekookers. Extreme shippers fighting and having meltdowns on the TL make a lot of people equate the unit name with these behaviors.

Sadly the first thought that came to my mind when Jimin mentioned JK is that tkk would make a scene about it. Instead of just feeling relief they are doing well, or just comfort we're getting news, I felt dread. And the worst is I was right.

I'm really struggling with the state of the fandom now, especially twitter fandom. People say you just have to curate your online experience and most sane armys are just taking a break from SNS and everything will get better once the guys start coming back from MS. I'm not this optimistic.

I've been thinking finding fellow ARMY irl could be better. But there's still a good chance to meet someone you would block straight away online.

I'm not a very social person. I used to come online to find people remisniscing, celebrating, sharing.. There's always been hating but now it feels like it's only hating (and comparing numbers). There was a clear shift from COVID on. It's not just solo endeavors and MS. You said it, how the way to handle things has changed.

I don't know how to fend off all the negativity any more than I know how to casually meet ARMY offline. I dream of an ARMY community manager, of a campaign about mental heal, abusive relationships (how many think they know better than the members what's good for them and think they are actually showing love and support when they are just being abusive), how to make the parasocial relationship a positive thing, etc.... A lot of these people who make ARMY spaces unbreathable actually need help.

Hi Anon! I'm sorry you feel this way. I feel like some Army experienced feelings of anger or betrayal since the Festa Dinner, which has made them unfairly lash out on the members. Some cannot cope that we lost an aspect of control, but this has always been the members decision and we have to accept that with respect. As I said in my other post, the heart of Army is massively the same. Just this morning I saw a Tweet about the Purple Ocean from Muster and it reminded me of the Flashlight project during PTD. There will ALWAYS be discourse online. That is the reason for it's existence. I am in other fandoms and they all suffer from the same issues since Covid and Elon. However, for every "bad" person or post, there are plenty of good ones out there. If you look for then. I mentioned to someone yesterday that it's like when people always leave awful reviews for a bad meal, but very rarely mention when they have a good meal. That's why I always try to find a balance. Both Jimin and Namjoon have told us over the years to not engage with negativity and I have always taken those words to heart. Things in online spaces have changed, but I guess I am more of a fighter and optimist. For each negative post I see, I spend more time posting/repositing posts that spread positivity or praise. I see no point in boosting some random February 2024 account sprewing hate. We have to be responsbile or our own spaces and I DO think things will improve once Jin returns. There's still that shared joy and excitement whenever a member posts or content comes out. It's just that the negative is less contained than it used to be. As for events offline. My first event was for a local screening of one of the concerts. I then attended a few events for members Birthday's. With the HYYH anniversay coming up, maybe you could look into seeing if there's any events for it? It's also Sope's Birthday soon and I plan to go to events for each of their Birthday's, so that could also be an option. However, if you dont' feel comfortable going in person, then that is perfectly acceptable. I'm sure there will be no judgement! We all have our own ways. For example, I always buy a mini cake for each members' Birthday haha. Though I had some negative experiences offline, there have been some really good ones. That's just how things are and then you can take the steps to protect yourself afterwards. I'm actually going to another event with the same group I mentioned before. If it doesn't go well, then I will just leave. If things have improved, then I will stay and enjoy myself. I understand it's not easy though, especially when we have certain expectations. Please do look after yourself though and feel free to DM me if you wish to discuss further. Much Love Wingzie/Becca

[moonlit-positivity]

Tips for someone just starting out their mental health journey

So you've decided to take on the beast within. You courageous, bold, empowered human being, first of all congratulations 🎉 I'm so proud of you.

Lots of things bring us to this point in our lives, but I've always believed that mental health should be a journey of self exploration. You're taking the first steps to making your life a little better than it was before, regardless of how you got here. You're a goddamn warrior. I love this for you so much.

So please heed these words of caution before you begin your journey:

Your safety should take the main priority at all times. There can be such a thing as retraumatizing yourself with how much info you try to take in all at once.

If you're eager to learn, eager to change, in desperate need of a way out, escaping an abusive situation, or just generally curious about what the heck is going on in ur brain and how you can "fix" it, then here are some things you might want to be aware of before diving head first into those uncharted seas.

1. Pause. Take a deep breath. You will be okay.

The very first thing you need to know. Please. You will send yourself into a whole flood of massive spiraling panic attacks if you do not take it slow and take it easy.

Breathe. Deeply. Deep breaths. They do recommend this for a reason. You might think it's bullshit but breathing is going to help. So just breathe.

2. Baby steps

Please do not try to consume all there is to know all at once. You will absolutely spiral into a panic attack and it will traumatize you. You're trying to build Rome in a day if you do it like that. It's just not fuckin possible.

If you're doing therapy once a week, that is already enough. Build it up gradually over time. When you feel stronger and ready to dig deeper, maybe consider setting aside a personal space specifically for healing & reflection time.

But you don't need to do it all at once and you don't need to do it right the fuck now either. Take your time.

3. Just think about it

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to do anything right now. You don't have to do it all at once. You don't have to get up and make an immediate change. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Just think about it.

No matter what you read online, no matter what you say in therapy, no matter what your therapist or social media will recommend you do, You don't need to make any sudden decisions. You don't need to make any sudden and scary changes right now.

Just give yourself time to think about it.

4. This isn't your fault

You may come across some information that is going to be eye opening for you at some point. And it may make you feel guilty, ashamed, and deeply gutted because you genuinely had no idea that this is what was happening in your life. You will feel so ashamed for not knowing or understanding. So please listen to me, you brave courageous and strong human being. This is not your fault.

How could you have known? If this is the first time you've ever heard it? How could you have known? Please do not let it sit on your heart. You are not a bad person. You've just been through some bad things. You don't deserve to be judged for that.

5. This is a lifelong process

So please get ready for the long haul. Please don't go into this experience expecting immediate results by July, thats just not how this works. And please don't go in expecting to "fix" yourself or "unbreak" your habits.

You are not a fuckin robot. You're a human being. You need time and patience and understanding to do this type of work with. That in itself is a skill you will have to learn. Go back to step one and breathe it out.

6. Take what you like and leave what you don't

You're gonna be exposed to a lot of new things. New concepts, new mental health bullshit, discourse, nuances, spirituality, I mean. Stuff is gonna be coming at you from all angles all the frickin time.

Take what you like. But learn how to leave what you hate behind. You don't have to force yourself into someone else's ideologies if you don't agree. You're allowed to disagree. You're allowed to make your own definitions, your own decisions, your own way. You're allowed to make it your own.

There are no rules to how you approach this. Do it your way.

7. Don't force it, walk away

You don't have to talk about it. You don't have to sit with it. You don't have to force your way through. This is gonna traumatize the fuck out of you.

Please learn how to say, "I'm not ready for that yet." Honor your timeline. Honor your autonomy, your right to choose and your right to stop and quit when you're overwhelmed.

This isn't just for therapy. This is also for when you're spiraling and having panic attacks.

"I'm not ready for that yet" means "I need a break from this."

8. Take breaks often

You cannot be doing this stuff 24/7. It will ruin you. Keep in touch with your hobbies, your interests, your comforts, and the things that get you out of your head. Try really hard to not let yourself be consumed by your grief.

Even if it's just for 5 minutes. Take a break. Do something else. Please. Just 5 measly minutes of fun. Please. I'm begging you.

9. Be kind to yourself

If someone you loved was sick, would you call them a lazy fuck? I hope not. Dont do it to yourself either. You're allowed to be nice. Find your manners.

10. Slow it down. Take it slow. Breathe

I keep saying that for a reason, yanno?

Slow it down. Take it slow. Baby steps. You will figure it out.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

Take care of yourself. You can do this, but more importantly, you can do this in a way that won't overwhelm you or make it worse. You deserve that type of care and God knows I wish someone had told me this before I started therapy.

Be brave, courageous human. You can do it 🌸

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

[doctorweebmd]

hi this isn't a question i just desperately need to tell you how much zero sum game ruined me and put me back together again. lurking mental illness and suicidality under shit circumstances, physical disability, mental and physical scars, constantly fighting off the ptsd and having to learn how to cope in ways that don't hurt other people so you can hang onto the person that makes it all worth it. it's everything i've gone through, right down to soul destroying and healing intimacy, at first to feel pain and then to attempt feeling truly good for the first time. zero sum is undoubtedly going to be one of those artworks i can never shake off my psyche in the best way, like an abstract background hug for my heart. thank you so much for taking so many scary themes to tackle and packaging them so beautifully, i really needed that lately.

sincerely, a previous battle of the bands fan who is now absorbing your entire oeuvre into their personality.

first i want to thank you profusely for sending me this. thank you for sharing your own experience, and your own pain. i know thats not easy and i'm some random person but honestly reading this makes me feel not so alone in the world. of course, thank you for reading, but also for relaying that you felt seen by it. i always feel so silly because its a my hero academia fanfiction but, with all sincerity, words like yours are what make writing it worth it.

zero-sum is sincerely my favorite thing i've ever written and probably always will be. not because i think the plot is awesome or the physics stuff was cool (EVEN THOUGH I STILL THINK THOSE THINGS ARE TRUE) but because its the first time i was able to write about my own personal experiences with mental illness (heavily projected onto Katsuki and Izuku, lmao) in over ten years.

Okay fair warning i am going to overshare under the cut so please feel free to stop reading also I love you and cherish you and appreciate you thank you so so so much for sending this

i'm sharing this because, at some point, i needed to read this. maybe someone will stumble on to it and realize something. maybe not. maybe its just another way for me to continue to process what happened. i think i'll always be processing it. mental illness is a bitch

when things got really bad for me (the first time around) i stopped writing completely. at that time, i truly, from the bottom of my heart, believed that my disorder was the only thing that made my writing interesting. that if i was to recover, that means i could no longer do the only thing i was good for. unironically, writing was actually a major barrier to my recovery for some time.

writing, the thing i loved most in the world, started heavily triggering me.

so i stopped.

the problem was, i heavily romanticized what i was going through in my writing. i made the suffering 'beautiful.' by thinking it was beautiful, i was trapping myself in a loop of self-destruction.

they say, 'write what you know.' but all i knew was misery. so misery was what i wrote.

romanticizing your pain is something i think we all do. sometimes you have to. its a survival mechanism. if the pain is 'beautiful,' then its 'tolerable' to go through.

what no one really tells you about mental illness is that its really, really fucking lonely.

what no one tells you about recovery is, its even lonelier. its the most isolating thing in the world. everything you relied on, everything you thought to be true, the way you interact with the world completely changes.

things are always going to be different. you can't go back to who you were before.

what i did do, when i went into recovery, was read the very few published books about people with (disorder) who recovered. over and over and over again. i needed something to latch on to. anything. i needed to believe it was possible. i needed to believe people like me survived. that they could find happiness. that they could find love. that there is space in this world for people as broken as me.

i dont know. zero-sum, to me, was a love letter to that 19 year old kid that hit her (first) rock bottom. i pretended she didn't exist because it hurt too much to think about her. but what she needed to know, then, that recovering, no matter how difficult, was worth it. that life can and WILL get better. that she will one day wake up every morning and think 'fuck. i'm so glad i'm alive.' that even people like her can find happiness.

that one day, many years later, embarrassed, she'll show her scars to a person she just started dating. that he'll sheepishly show her his. that they'll exchange police reports like love letters. she'll learn that there are people out there that understand her. have felt her same pain. have lived through the same hell. she'll learn that survival is sometimes based on hope, and sometimes based on spite.

but is, despite it all, always worth it.

she'll learn that her suffering does not preclude her from love and connection and happiness.

that one day, she won't feel so alone.

and that one day, she'll be able to sit down at her computer and write about it. maybe it will be in the form of my hero academia fanfiction lmao but that doesn't make it any less real.

maybe it will reach someone. maybe it won't.

but one day, she'll be able to do the thing she loved more than anything in the world again, because nothing is ever truly lost.

there is a future worth fighting for.

[mallowstep]

i hope you’re doing okay. 💙 it’s ok if you don’t answer this, i just wanted you to know folks are still thinking about you and wanting good things for you.

thank you babe (and thank you to everyone else who sent a message to this effect; i will answer them when i can)

i'm doing pretty well right now. i've been very busy at work, working on a top secret classified project (god only knows when you'll get more details than what i've already shared ;3), and also just. recovering from depression. there is so much of my life that even months out from the worst of it, i'm still trying to pull the pieces back together.

i have been writing a little. it's been difficult, mostly because of numerous incidents regarding writing and mental health (if you've been here for a while, you probably know about them; if you're new, the tldr is "mallowstep went off the wall for a bit and he's fine but it left him feeling bad"), and now i face down the summer which is...rough, mentally.

i don't know what normal looks like for me right now. i want to write but i don't know how it will fit into my life. i'm still making space for myself, in all the chaos and reconstruction. i know writing will be a part of normal for me. i just don't know where it fits yet.

it's been a while since i've felt like myself. the hollow feeling is abating. i am finding words to describe emotion again, that are more than just there or missing. i have been thinking about the stories i have yet to work on. what i want to tell next.

it has been an incredible two years for me. when i started this blog, i had just been broken up with by my boyfriend of three years, only a month or so after my childhood cat and dog had died one day apart. i was coping with so much impossible grief: i wrote the second chapter of i'll come back to you someday soon myself after my grandmother died, and i did not write anything after that for quite a while.

my wrists are healing. they hurt a little today and i'm not sure why, but they are healing.

i'll be going back to university as a natural resources major. i want a job that lets me protect and cultivate the forests i find so much comfort in. the complex webs of their ecosystems bring me so much delight. did you know trees talk to their daughters? did you know they care for their children? protect them?

it has been an incredible two years. i met my now-partner, learned how to actually trust people, and failed out of a year of college due to collapsing mental health. i went through approximately one million assessments to get a diagnosis and understand what was happening to me. i had a doctor tell me i was being undermedicated to an astounding degree. i had to let go of my beloved plants because i couldn't keep myself alive, much less then. i found a job i love so much i am eager to go to work every morning.

i honestly don't think i would've recognized who i am now, back when i started out here. i have become someone who trusts. who has connections with people. who does not fear so much. (i have also become someone who cries as i drive home from work sometimes. i have also become someone who needs to sit on the floor and count all the pieces of art i can see. we move in spirals, not straight lines.)

all of this is to say, i have been quiet on here for quite a while because i have been recovering from two years (a lifetime) of some truly exhausting events, as well as letting myself find things i enjoy. when i got out of high school, i loved what i was doing academically. i had very little passion. it had been bled out of me.

i am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you. your support, even in my period of dormancy, has meant so much. my relationship with writing sometimes feels like i am fighting my double, trying to balance both my need to use writing to understand myself, and my tendencies to ruin myself in the process.

i still don't have any promises to make, because i really don't know what's next for me. but i am still here, and you all still mean something to me.

with all my love, mallow

[stuiie]

Hello honey! How are you doing?

I'm so happy to see Yelena again, even under these circumstances. Poor girl has been really through it, but now Ducky, Nat, and everyone else can help her heal and get better. Yelena is definitely in a tough mental space right now, so when she finds out about Ducky and WandaNat, it will surely be hard for her. Or she surprises us all and is like, "Cool, I knew it," probably not though.

And I'm so proud of Ducky! She's really growing into herself and becoming a stronger, confident woman. She's such a great friend too. Supporting Lena, being there for her and taking such good care of her.

I will probably be repeating myself a lot, but I love the Trios relationship. Everyone is so understanding and sweet. Nat and Wanda always know the perfect way to calm down and take care of Ducky. I love them so much. Just like your writing, it's so immersive and authentic! It always evokes all kinds of emotions in me. It's incredible ❤️

Hi there sweetie 🥰..

Oh, I'm doing wonderfully. I have some days off work now, well-needed to get some rest and just do things I enjoy. And how about you, how are you? 😊

Yeah, it was a really hard chapter to write. I hate what she went through. But it's also a monumental part of Yelena's as well as Ducky's journey. It's also a subject that is very important; it's common to talk about physical abuse, but mental abuse is just as bad.

Ducky coming clean to Yelena can take many turns for sure, and it's definitely a focal point of the story that will take a lot of concentration and, honestly, delicacy to write.

I agree fully. I'm also very proud of Ducky and so happy to see your support for her here. To see that you recognize her growth through the chapters makes me so happy because that means that I get through what I want of the story. So, thank you.

Your comment brings me so much warmth, and it's for readers like you and others who send me messages that drive this story on. It makes me so happy to read that you enjoy the characters and their relationship and how I present them.

To end this, I thank you for making my day so much brighter. 🥹❤️

[barbara-herself]

Anger

I used to feel a lot of anger, daily. I was an irritable driver, a perfectionist mentor to my new colleagues, a short-tempered romantic partner. I hated my anger and I hated myself for it. I hated who I was when I was angry, and from that self loathing more anger brewed. After I've started antidepressants, a lot of the anger went away - at least most of it. I still get angry, but in the right moments, I think. I want to note down what I've learned so far - as a synopsis for my later self, a checkpoint to which later on I can come back to and see if I still feel the same way I do now.

Being an irritable driver might just mean you are living in a city where there is little to no driving culture or you yourself shouldn't be driving a car. I was privileged enough to move to Sweden, where it is absolutely unnecessary to drive a car to get to places. I have sold my car and couldn't be happier with the decision.

Antidepressants do help, even if you feel like you've got it all together. I did go through a number of moderately bad mental breakdowns in my life, but found myself bouncing back relatively quickly, so I never thought I'd need chemical intervention in my brain. However, taking antidepressants has enabled me to have a prolonged amount of time where I could concentrate on what is making me angry and work on those parts. It is much easier to establish healthy habits when you are not constantly circling between depression, self loathing and fury.

Healthy habits - finding whatever works for you can take some time, but everyone has things they must do to feel better. I know that for me I must absolutely do a bit of yoga, take a walk (unless I'm sick), eat at least one healthy meal, brush my teeth and stick to my skincare routine daily. It sounds very minimal and obvious, but I have struggled with these things and figuring it out felt like an epiphany. Now these are unconditional, must-do things in my life.

I have absolutely no idea where the hell am I going in life and I have to learn to be okay with the discomfort of not knowing.

No one actually ever reaches "mental healthiness". We're all idiots on a rock in space. Even those people on youtube who say they know how to heal your trauma and mental illnesses probably have no clue what they're talking about (except for a very minimal few).

Read books and create art. Books are a great way to entertain yourself, learn new things and just have a good time. I barely ever use social media now. At first it was weird and I didn't know where to put myself in moments of waiting for a train or right before falling asleep, but the realization that staring at the ceiling was going to make me happier than staring at tiktoks has helped me overcome the doomscrolling addiction. I still do scroll, but not as much as I did before. Creating art is a great way (at least for me) to lose myself for a moment and project my thoughts and feelings onto a piece of paper.

If a study programme and/or a job makes you lose your mind and cry and vomit, consider a different path in life, if possible. Maybe this is not for you. Perhaps it was for you a year ago and now it is not - this is fine, it happens all the time. If you can't change it - sucks to be you. I guess you must stick it out then? I don' know, I'm too stupid for situations like these.

If you find yourself feeling very lonely, it's not necessarily a bad thing. Right now I'm in the weird stage in life where I've cut out quite a lot of toxic people, so I only talk to my boyfriend and I sometimes call two other friends from my home country. I am struggling to find social connections in Sweden, but I'm glad I'm not settling just for anything - I have tried a few different activities, I have learned that the people associated with it are not for me and I have moved on. I trust that I will find meaningful connections someday.

One of the jobs I've tried working had a team building exercise where we had to introduce ourselves and share one of our dreams. In that moment I realized I didn't have a dream I could share, because I didn't have dreams at all - at the ripe old age of 22 I didn't have a single dream I could think of in that moment. I remember stammering "Well, it's not a dream, but rather a plan - I want to have a PhD in chemistry one day." Today, I realized that ever since I have started writing my novel, I have dreams again - quite a lot of them, actually. This must be a good sign.

Finally - taking breaks is great. Taking one big break is good. Taking a few small breaks is amazing. Pausing work and studies for a moment doesn't mean I'm lazy, it just means that I know what's good for me. I have a rule now - never in my life is there a planned activity that is more important than me having a good night's sleep, a proper shit or a good lunch. Leaving the room in the middle of a useless corporate meeting for a pee is liberating. You and only you will ever know when you need a break. Right now I'm on a two-month study break and it's great and also terrifying. I'm learning to live with myself and love myself.

[chenziee]

The Scars we carry

@lawluevents - Day 5: Nakama/Healing @onepiece-bingo: Healing/Paradise

Alternate summary: "I'm going to kill all my friends if they don't shut the fuck up (affectionate)" - Trafalgar D. Water Law, 2023

I barely grazed the Paradise prompt from the OP Bingo here ㅠ_ㅠ I planned to make it more about their time in Paradise but Law said "no <3" :(

Also fun fact, I was already done with this fic by the time I realised the "healing" prompt overlapped between lawlu week and my bingo card

[ Read on AO3 | series ]

----------

Straw Hat Luffy had many scars. Small cuts and burns, some old and some fresh, most of them caused by fighting and training.

But, none of them was as big or as impactful as the one on his chest.

Whenever Law saw it, it reminded him of the war three years ago, the war that shook not only the final area of Paradise where it took place, but also the entire world—and he was sure it reminded Luffy of that time as well. 

Law wasn’t there when he got the scar. He wasn’t there when Luffy lost his brother… But he did see what it led to. He saw Luffy at the brink of death, one breadth away from complete destruction—both physical and mental—and he saw the blind destruction the pain caused. Hell, the Tang herself got a few scars as a result and Luffy should be glad Law didn’t demand he pay for all the expensive equipment he had destroyed.

Law was sure Nami would murder her captain if he presented her with the bill.

But… it honestly never even occurred to Law to ask for money. For one, he knew why Luffy had done it, he understood why he went on a rampage, and he only regretted that he didn’t know how to help. He was grateful Jinbe was there to do it for him, to remind Luffy that he still had his crew—people he loved, people who loved him.

 And two, it Law’s his own decision, his own call to go to the war to save him in the first place.

To this day, Law wasn’t entirely sure what had compelled him to go.

Was it really just because of the D. in his name? Because the way he punched St Charlos in the face without a second thought was funny? Because Law enjoyed fighting with him?

Or was it because, unconsciously, Law knew Luffy was the only one who could break the chain Doflamingo had on him and with it, the chain-shaped soulmark on his arm?

Law didn’t know.

And he was glad his crew never really dug into his reasoning. He loved them and all but he would rather kill them all than admit that maybe, just maybe… he simply couldn’t bear letting the kid die.

The knowing look Ikkaku kept giving him during the two weeks of Straw Hat’s treatment was bad enough.

A soft knock on the door to the Captain’s cabin made Law look up, snapping back to reality.

“Come in,” he called out quietly as to not disturb the person sleeping soundly next to him.

A second later, the door slowly opened and Ikkaku came to view, her eyes glued to the papers in her hands. “Captain, we did an inventory check in the engine room and such and we’ve—” she paused suddenly as she looked up, blinking a few times as she took in the sight in front of her.

Law already felt a headache coming before she even said anything.

“You two are so cute,” she said then, biting on her bottom lip and obviously struggling very hard not to start laughing.

Law sighed deeply. He knew she would say that; she always did whenever she stumbled on Law and Luffy spending time together—be it Straw Hat bothering the shit out of Law while he tried to study, Law doing experiments with Straw Hat’s insane metabolism, or right now, when Luffy was sleeping sprawled over Law’s bad like it belonged to him, completely ignoring Law’s personal space and having his limbs thrown all over the place, including Law’s own body.

At least Ikkaku wasn’t as obnoxious about it as Penguin and Shachi always were, although Law had no idea what was so ‘cute’ about this. If anything, Straw Hat needed to wipe the fucking drool off his face because that was disgusting.

“What did you say about the inventory check?” Law asked instead of gracing her comment with a reply.

“Oh right. We’ve got to restock soon, we’re running low on gas and components and some equipment is getting really old and basically useless. I have a list here if you want to check.” She gestured with the papers in her hands in Law’s direction.

Shaking his head, Law declined, “It’s fine. You’re the head mechanic, I trust you did the job right.”

“You just know you wouldn’t know what anything on the list is either way,” Ikkaku said cheekily.

“Straw Hat-ya’s crew’s a terrible influence on you guys,” Law groaned before narrowing his eyes at her. “I’m going to demote you for insubordination.”

“Sure you will.” Ikkaku rolled her eyes, her gaze jumping between Law and Straw Hat, who still snoring away, blissfully unaware of the exchange going on. “Also aren’t we pretty much the same crew at this point?” she finished with a raised eyebrow.

Law wanted to refute her, to tell her she was being ridiculous… but to be perfectly honest, he couldn’t in good conscience disagree with her. They had been spending an unhealthy amount of time with the Straw Hats, considering the alliance officially ended months ago.

“But you know…” Ikkaku said then, her voice much more serious and quiet. “Every time Straw Hat’s here, it reminds me of the war. It’s a miracle he’s so healthy now. Watching him, it’s as if nothing happened.”

Law huffed, his own eyes turning down to look at Luffy’s peaceful expression. For sure, at first glance it seemed that way; but the scar on his chest was there to remind them all… as were the nightmares Law knew Luffy still suffered once in a while. Luffy never talked about them, never even said anything about having them in the first place, and Law didn’t pry—even if he did, he knew Luffy still wouldn’t say anything, claiming it was ‘all in the past anyway’—but he knew the ghosts were there, always lurking in the back of Luffy’s mind to haunt him, to remind him of what he had lost.

And that was okay. It was all a part of the process, the bumps on the road to healing.

At least, that was how Law thought of his own nightmares of Flevance and Minion Island.

“Captain?” Ikkaku asked uncertainly when Law didn’t say anything for a long while.

The corners of Law’s mouth twitched. Yeah, having a good crew, good friends, certainly helped smoothing out the road. He was lucky in that regard—just as Straw Hat was.

“I’m fine,” he said, turning back to look at his head mechanic. “I’ll talk to Bepo about where we can stop to get those supplies.” 

A grin spread on Ikkaku’s lips in response before she turned around to leave. “Thanks! I’ll let you two be adorable in peace now.”

“Fucking—” Law growled, taking a deep breath… but before he could snap at her so shut up, she was gone, the door closed carefully behind her.

Rubbing at his temples, Law thought to himself; he did love his crew to death but sometimes… Sometimes, he wanted nothing more than to maim them.

[peachesnabsinthe]

Almost Two Weeks of Unemployment

** Tw/cw: This post contains discussions on chronic physical and mental illness. Things that may be discussed include personal medical diagnoses, treatment, and disability. Please be mindful before reading!**

So it has been almost 2 weeks of unemployment for me. It's been so difficult. I didn't think that I would take it so rough.

I did have my doctors appointment on Monday, and I was diagnosed with hEDS and POTS ( I have a whole list of other diagnoses as well, being disabled is SO FUN hahaHagfljsdga). It has been a very, very LONG and tedious process and I'm beyond exhausted. I've honestly been struggling with pretty severe suicidal ideation as well (don't worry, I'm fine, and any fellow folks struggling with this as well, I see you, and I feel you, and you're gonna be fine too believe it or not). I had been afraid of losing my job and my life drastically changing due to my physical health for many years, and now that it's happening, I've been struggling with such overwhelming grief.

However, I KNOW that this is the best decision I made, BECAUSE of the lifestyle changes that I'm going to have to make in order to get back to living more comfortably (and of course to just function in a more healthy/sustainable way). I already have an XRAY appointment set up to look at my neck/shoulder, hips, and hands. I am also going to start the Dallas-Levine Exercise Protocol soon, though I really need to do some research on whether or not I even have access to a Physical Therapist or someone/something to assist me (I'm honestly nervous to do it on my own, I sometimes injure myself just doing basic, low-impact 10 minute yoga videos).

I'm also incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful that my partner, friends and family have been so supportive and kind about everything going on. The majority of them don't know how to handle this, which is understandable because it's a lot and I don't know how to handle it either! I don't need anyone to give me tips or any advice, just them listening and holding space for me is so helpful. I am able to stop working and have the ability and privilege now to JUST focus on my health, and not many people get to do this. My new health insurance situation appears to be good, and I have a new PCP that actually gives a shit about me. And in this godforsaken country and state (howdy Okies), that's a damn good thing! Don't EVEN get me started on a healthcare discussion, I'm apparently not supposed to get too agitated or else my POTS flares up lmfaaaoo so I won't go there.

But yea. It's been rough. This week so far has been pretty intense. It's so hard trying to deprogram myself. All my life I have been told that I'm too sensitive, I'm a baby, you're just weak, it's not that bad, people have it worse than you, etc. and FUCK. ALL. THAT. NONSENSE. Zoë was a sick child, and is still a sick adult, and that's fine! Now I get to do what I need to do to heal myself, and it fucking sucks and seems miserable right now, but I'm alive and I have to keep going. Because there's still things to experience, even if I have to experience them in a way that is different from everyone else. My body and brain will never be like other people's, and that's okay! I get to deprogram and learn how to live my life in a way that will be best for me.

All that to say, if you are also struggling with mental and/or physical illness, you're not alone. and I see you.

[pineappleciders]

Hello!! i really hope i'm doing this right :]

Id like to request an omori pairing!!

My name is Raymond, and Im 14!! I'm a trans male, use he/him/it/its pronouns, and am (questioning) Pansexual, so feel free to match me w/ anyone!! I'm also an intp. I have adhd so please don't mind if anything i say conflicts itself (I tend to be SUPER different at certain times for no reason due to my impulsivity)

My interests are writing, drawing, generally being artsy, volleyball, videogames, reading, and dancing! I tend to change interests often, but those are the ones that usually stay the same!

I typically bounce from one interest to the next, and usually get very angry at myself for losing said interest.

As for personality, i'm usually quite moody, but am typically tired/upset/angry. I'm shy around people I don't know, but i basically consider my friends family. I usually don't make friends easily, so i just stick to my small group.

When i'm upset with someone, i'll usually make it known by either lashing out at them, or just being petty. I hold grudges easily, and have a VERY strong sense of justice.

When in public I tend to be very loud. Most of my classmates who aren't close to me would describe me as annoying. Others may see me as violent, or as constantly mad for no reason (this is the truest thing anyone has said about me). When I am with friends, I tend to be less "annoying" and more like them. I can adapt to fit others personalities and interests. When it comes to social situations, I usually have a "fake it till' you make it" mentality. I typically act childishly, but when I need to do something, I can totally be serious about it.

I tend to space out WAY to often, leading me to missing most important things, so I may seem airheaded/dumb, but i'm not. I'm very clever, and can usually work out most problems on my own.

As for romance, I'm typically awkward with that kind of stuff. It's easy to tell when I have a "crush" from the outside, but those feelings are always platonic. I feel the need to love somebody, but I don't feel attraction to anyone.

I try my best to hide most of my more spontaneous moods/emotions as to not be seen as weird by others.

(HOLY SHIT THIS TURNED INTO A RAMBLE IM SOSOOSOS SORRY 😭)

A/N: don't worry about it!! i actually quite enjoy when people get to talk about themselves and it also helps me make a more accurate matchup so dont sweat it <3 also sorry if this is written weirdly or sometjing i weote this on the toilet and i don't act right wuen im shittinf.

I MATCH YOU WITH...

RW KEL!!!

now i'm gonna be honest i was reminded a lot of aubrey so my first instinct was to match you with kim but i dont want to be lazy

again, i'm getting some sun & moon vibes

KEL really doesn't mind your moodiness. he might get a little insecure if you lash out at him or act uninterested, so it'll help if you reassure him every now and then that it's not his fault

if you're feeling down, he tries to cheer you up, and i feel like as time goes on you two would kinda,,, help heal each other?? like his sunshiney would rub off on you sometimes

alas, you two grow closer and closer and both of you might start to let your walls down. KEL begins opening up sometimes about his trauma and how he feels bad about himself, and you might talk about your emotions and what's hurting you, and perhaps even get a little soft

more specifically, you get a soft spot for KEL. it becomes a little difficult to be angry when a literal ball of sunshine is around

seeing KEL be so vulnerable to you makes you do it too, and you become more honest about how you might be feeling (and he really appreciates it!!)

when it comes to new people, he'll often do most of the talking as he knows it might not be your thing

KEL spaces out a lot too, and is easily distracted, but similar to you he isn't actually stupid.

in KEL's world, he finds it easier to let on the appearance that he might be a little stupid. and, maybe 4 years ago maybe he really was air-headed. but, things have changes, but he's always found that people are less disappointed when he fucks up if he acts stupider. so, that's what he does.

honestly? KEL doesn't really mind if your attraction to him is romantic or platonic. he feels the same way too, not really sure what he's feeling, but either way he knows that he wants to be with you, and he doesn't really care for any labels or anything. so, if you don't want to, there's no need to label your relationship as partners, or just friends!! all that matters to him is that you're together.

sometimes if you push him away or tug on his ear in annoyance, he'll just walk it off and not retaliate or anything. he isn't like... socially submissive or anything he just doesn't care for revenge

like you, he also has a strong sense of justice, and will strive for whatever he thinks is right, even if sometimes he misses the point and does something wrong (when this happens, it often makes him feel really bad about himself)

volleyball? basketball?? they both have ball at the end, so same thing, right? he teaches you basketball, and you try to get him to play volleyball, but he fucking sucks at it

he likes your creativity! always inspecting your drawings and writing, always calling it the best he's ever seen (even if it's dog shit. he's not saying it to make you feel better, he's saying it because he believes it)

you beat him in every video game and he sulks in the corner

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

looking for advice and reassurance. TW for discussion of ptsd symptoms.

I was in an unhealthy relationship in the past that ended up in me developing c-ptsd. my ex is no longer in my life and hasn't been in months.

Ive been seeing someone new who so far is absolutely perfect. I've known him for about a year now and he's always been just... the best? so sweet, funny, affectionate, smart, basically everything I'd want in a partner. I can confidently say that he's the only boyfriend I've ever had who I've felt real romantic love for. I want to marry him someday.

but I'm worried that I'm putting too much on him with my disability. we've talked about it, he's seen me during episodes, he's never blamed me or even really been freaked out, but I'm still scared I'll be too high maintenance. guilt was a huge part of how my ex manipulated me and I feel so much of that with him. even when my boyfriend is willingly gladly taking care of me I feel like a burden to him. I can't talk to him about anything because my ex gaslit and guilted the shit out of me whenever I tried to talk to them. even the little things like making sure I eat or sleep enough make me feel bad. the only part of his comfort that doesn't bother me is the physical affection, only because I know he enjoys it too.

Im completely wholly in love with him and he's expressed the same for me. I'm scared that I'll self sabotage and run away so I don't hurt him. I'm scared that he's secretly bothered by the way I act sometimes but won't tell me the same way my ex lied to me about their feelings. I want to know how to stop feeling like a piece of shit and just enjoy the first guy who's ever treated me like a human being.

Hi anon,

I am so sorry for your trauma and the resulting c-ptsd, and commend you for reaching out so I may have an opportunity to offer you some encouragement as you navigate a healthy relationship for what sounds like, the first time. I myself have the same diagnosis, and reading your ask was like stepping back in time in that I had the exact same concerns and worries when I met my now husband.  I share this only to affirm that it is very much possible to have trauma, and a mental illness, and a supportive partner.  None of those are exclusive.  

However, not to detract from your concerns, I’d also like to share that in your case - you’ve only begun the healing process.  It’s only been a few months, and for many of us it can take years.  I’m not suggesting this means you can’t have a functioning relationship (we did, and have) on a similar timeline to yours - but I say this because though it is not my permission to give, if you need it, here it is: you deserve the time and safe spaces to heal.  You are allowed to not have it all figured out right now.  You are allowed to bask in a healthy relationship as you’re healing.

Now as for the potential to self sabotage, or how to not feel like you’re too much, there’s of course some recommendations you can find in our pinned post - as well as some affirmations you can say daily - but what might help the most is looking into a therapist where you can unpack some of this trauma in safe spaces, and discuss and build a mental health treatment plan for yourself as you continue to heal.

No matter what you decide moving forward, I wish you well, and healing and safe spaces <3 - Mod Kat

[koutarostiddies]

Hello all,

I know I don't post personal shit here bc I try to keep this a happy and safe space. Currently I'm going through some really bad mental health spells that I won't go into detail, they're just dark. If any of you read the recent Mattsun fic it's a big indicator of my headspace rn.

I just want to let everyone know that that piece was a very very self indulgent fic and I may post another one soon. Right now it's the only form of healing I have. It means a lot to me that that fic did get some love.

My Kotsamurin series is also quite indulgent. 🤷🏽‍♀️ The Not His Sister drabble had a peak of that with mentions that reader is older than the guys. But for your immersion sake feel free to just put any age even if it's a day older or even put them at any adult age that suits you guys. I don't like to alienate people.

On that topic, I'll try to also do more gender neutral fics. I just sometimes don't like to just write "hole" or "entrance" for people's bits all the time. Feels repetitive, but then again my writing has gotten stagnant after a took a long break.

Also, this weekend I will be doing a large block haul for ageless blogs. I'm gonna be nice and message people for their ages if they don't have one on their blog. Also, if your blog is empty I will block as well bc it gives spam vibes. I'm in a dark place and I don't need to add things on my plate by having minors interacting with my stuff. I like the reblogs and likes but not at the cost of my mental well-being, someone else's and legal shit.

Thank you.

[neuroborreliosis]

the night before last, i added cefdinir 300mg to my antibiotic regimen. i'm now taking that, plus bactrim 160mg, twice a day each. i'm still taking all the other stuff.

i feel sick. i always feel sick, but i feel even more low-energy these last few days. the nausea from the antibiotics surprisingly hasn't been too debilitating, but another side effect has emerged and proven somewhat unforgiving. i noticed that i'm extremely irritated most of the time. little things have been pissing me off, like someone leaving a mess in the sink, or someone walking past the tv while jules and i watch rupaul. little things like that. like someone forgetting to wipe down the stove after cooking. normally, i'm neurotic. normally, i'm anxious about cleanliness and messy kitchens trigger my ocd. probably because i used to get punished for leaving messes as a child. probably because i had it pounded into me that you clean up after yourself, right away, every time, or else. but i'm not normally so outward about it. it's like i've got a short fuse that keeps getting shorter.

yesterday, i was so annoyed by the mere presence of other people that i had to go upstairs to take a bath, to be alone. the sound of multiple conversations happening at once was grinding at me. it's cold upstairs, since we usually only have the heat on in the basement to save money. but i brought my space heater and my himalayan salt lamp into the bathhroom, plugged them in, ran the bath water. added hibiscus epsom salts, let it get full of hot water and got in. i added a rose petal bath bomb to the water. the bath bomb and the salts were gifted to me by violet, who waas preparing to move and couldn't use them in time.

i brought my book into the bath and just read for a long while, relaxing into steamy precious solitude. i'm reading a memoir by Suleika Jaouad called "Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted" about her experience as a young adult with leukemia. it's pretty intense, but it's also super cathartic to read of other young peoples' experiences with debilitating illness. it makes me feel both grateful for what i have, and less alone in my suffering.

i'm so grateful that i've been able to read lately. the memoir is the second consecutive book i've read in just a few weeks. whenever i'm not able to rest as much as i need to, my fatigue and brain fog get so bad that i can barely read, let alone write. i think because i've been able to rest, pace myself, and not overdo activity (thanks, stable living situation!) i actually have some mental energy stored away that i can use to read, and to write, and even to draw/paint a little! i haven't had this happen in a very long time. it makes me feel less like a useless sick fuck. i get to do some of the things i hold dearest.

i stayed in the bath for hours, i think over 4 hours, adding more hot water whenever it started to get lukewarm. i read for a long while, then i thought about how frustrated i was by how frustrated i feel, and i called my mom. she's a nurse, so she knows about these things. she seemed to think it made sense that an intense antibiotic regimen would lead to mental difficulty, considering it would destroy my gut biome, and as we know, gut health is strongly correlated with mental well-being. we talked about my health, she asked if i've been pooping (sorry this gets gross, but it's a part of my everyday reality, so i'm going to talk about it) and i told her yes, i pooped today, but before that it had been three days. three days is better than five or six or seven, which is often how long i go between bowel movements. but it's still not great. i still have to plunge after every shit, because they're so hard. my shit is so hard that it literally tears open my butthole every time i go, so i have these really painful and itchy hemorrhoids that never have time to heal fully before they're exacerbated by the next bowel movement. the other day, i got some hemorrhoid cream, but it made the itching so horribly intense that i kept scratching - the digging scratch, the really deep scratch - every time i went to pee just to try to get some relief. i stopped using the cream. my mom thinks i'm probably allergic to one of its ingredients.

while we're talking about poop, i'll recount possibly one of the sweetest things dillon has ever done for me. yesterday, early in the day, i took a big ass shit. i went to go get the plunger from upstairs, to bring it down to the basement bathroom. when i got back downstairs, dillon asked if he could see my poop. i knee-jerk responded, "no!" but then i thought about it, and i agreed. he wanted to make sure there was no blood or worms or anything really bad in my stool, he wanted to make sure nothing more than really bad constipation was happening. i know this seems weird, but it's honestly one of the cutest things a partner has ever done for me. that's real love right there. and spoiler: he still loves me after seeing my monster poop.

after about three hours in the bath, dillon came to check on me. he hung out for a while, sitting on the toilet telling me how cute and hot i was. i said "i'm in my element. i never wanna get out" and he responded, "so don't!" as he was leaving to go back downstairs i said "do we still have any annie's mac n cheese?" and he said he would check. about an hour later, i came downstairs all squeaky clean - except for my hair, which is so tangled and i did not have the energy to deal with that - and dillon was at the stove, making me a whole box of mac n cheese for myself!! so cute. so gay. i love him.

i'm feeling the mental exhaustion come on, so i will stop writing here. but i'll keep coming back for updates! maybe later today, but more likely i'll update again tomorrow.

[gwemmieee]

I need to vent about something. I'm angry at the world because I've been treated poorly, and I don't know what to do about it.

I've been through a lot in my 3 decades on this planet so far. I've seen a lot. I've learned a lot. I've grown a lot.

Despite that, many things are still brand new to me. Like truly loving myself properly. And actually being close with good people who truly care about me, who won't abandon me when it becomes inconvenient to hold on. And living in a safe space, where my house and my community and my workplace treat me like a human being.

The newest phenomenon in my life these days is the fact that I don't have to completely do everything on my own. My roommates still have to stop me from jumping into dangerous tasks, and remind me that I don't have to do them myself. I still cry every time, as they help me or do it for me.

I spent most of my life buried under mountains of physical and mental disabilities (which still make everything harder to this day, and will for the rest of my life), gender dysphoria, and trauma, that I spent most of my life having no psychological tools to consciously comprehend, and suppressing it all as much as possible just to survive. Not to mention all the misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and ableism coming at me from the world. And I had no support save for one very good, but still somewhat distant, friend, who didn't even enter my life until high school.

I spent a lot of time in hell, and I spent all of that time keeping my good person gauge up at its maximum level. I spent 100% of the time making every healthy choice that I understood how to make and being as kind and understanding and forgiving with everyone as I could possibly be. Unfortunately, it was hell, and I was a child with no support, so by most people's standards, the limit of that good person gauge was quite low. The lessons I had to learn from scratch were quite basic, and part of what most consider common sense. Looking back, there were a lot of ways I was shitty to that one friend, that I didn't have the tools to understand, and that's probably part of why they were somewhat distant. (It has a happy ending, though--I learned to be better to them and now they're my found sibling, but due to circumstances and different life paths we don't even live in the same state anymore.)

Finally now, though, I have love, acceptance, and safety, and I'm truly not alone, even within my own home. I'm genuinely grateful. It's beautiful, and it's wonderful, and it's healing, and it's food for my starved soul.

And it's basic shit that most people are born into as babies.

Everyone who's ever had parents (biological or surrogate) who didn't disown them or treat them like property to manipulate. Everyone who's ever had a best friend who stuck with them close, ride or die. Everyone who, like me, had neither of those things growing up, but at least they weren't disabled or marginalized like me, so they were able to actually take care of themselves and get to a point where they had love much sooner than fucking 30--I suspect that last category describes most white cishet male boomers.

I'm led to believe, so far, that most people are at least one of these.

And I can't help but notice that most people like me, who've been through what I have, are already fucking dead*. They didn't even make it to 30. Nobody helped them and they weren't lucky enough to find the right footing on their climb out of that birthing hole. Many of those who are still alive, still have much smaller good person gauges than I do, and some of them have hurt me badly enough that I had to give up on them. And every last one of them is white, because people who are otherwise like me, but of color, are still almost always unable to even survive with how bad this world is. Very few of those like me, though, have lasted as long as me and come out still good, and they're my favorite people on the whole planet.

The happier I get about my own life and where it's led me, the angrier I get about the hand I was dealt and how much it took to get here. If your biggest problem is that you're poor and you're jealous of people born into financial wealth, you're on easy mode. I actually also have a lifelong poor, hate-the-rich complex of my own on top of all this other shit, because yeah, I wasn't even born into money. I had nothing.

I climbed out of that by being the goodest little girl I could possibly be. I learned to say yes to everything and work hard, to please everyone, and to give everyone every chance to be better to me than anyone had been before. This exposed me to a lot of abuse, and harassment. And I ate it up. Because most of the time, I was still being treated better than I ever had before. Even by psychopathic abusers.

I had to do it that way because I needed a lot of physical and mental assistance just to survive, and I had to accept what I could get from who I could get it from, even if they used that power to control me and extract nonconsensual pleasure from me. And I had to give them the chance to be better, because eventually, a few of them proved to be good enough to help me grow, and get stronger, and climb further out of the hole.

Very recently, as I take the final steps out of hell and into safety and self-love, I've had to learn to *not* always give abusers the chance to get closer to me and abuse me. I've had the opportunity to finally say no and advocate for myself, and not end up all alone for it.

And as I reflect on my past, and lose plenty of people I once thought of as my closest friends and family, who I once *needed* in my life just to keep moving, I'm learning that some people are actually just bad. Like, they have chances to be better to others, to learn and grow, and they just don't, and they take the easy way out and either try to pressure and control others to serve them, or make a habit of abandoning anyone who gets too close as part of their self-isolating approach to handling themselves.

Many of those people were once the only family and friends I had ever known.

And as I now reach a point where I'm able to start helping younger people going through what I've been through, I'm learning that it's healthiest to keep a certain distance. I can't actually know for sure which of them are always going to make the choice to grow, and which of them are eventually going to pick a place to stop and dig a new hole and stagnate, and hurt everyone close to them in the process, which also renders them unable to receive any more help from me. On top of that, I'm still processing my own shit, and so when I get too close to them, and address that same shit, it's hard for me not to be harsh or in a rush with them in ways that I know are wrong and bad for their growth. So a certain amount of emotional distance is necessary. It's the same lesson that actual therapists have to learn to handle their jobs properly.

But that's so lonely.

And I see the people older and wiser than me, who continue to help me, do the same thing with me. And part of me wants to be angry with them, or demand more help and more closeness, but I know that's wrong. I know they're actually saints, and they're doing this out of the goodness of their hearts to help me because they see potential in me to become someone they would love to see having a happy, healthy time and making the world a better place. I know that they're as close and as helpful with me as they can afford to be, both financially and emotionally. I know that they can't know for sure whether I'm as good as I know I am, and I know that they're making sure to protect themselves from committing too much self-sacrifice, and I know that's the healthy choice to make and I'm glad they're making it.

But it's lonely.

It breaks my heart.

I know that someday, I will be close with even more even better people, and I will be deeply happy and grateful, and I will be empowered to truly help a lot more people and make the world a better place for everyone including myself. I know that I'm good enough to reach that point.

But I also know that it's going to take even more time. And even more effort. And it's not fair.

It's not fair that by pure chance, pure luck of birth, I had to grow up with a bunch of monsters and find my own way out, and it's not fair that I also have to prove on other people's terms that I'm not one of those monsters, just to be where I deserve to be. And it's not fair that that entire process will likely end up having taken almost half my entire lifespan, and that's assuming I can stay physically healthy and not die until natural causes. The actual life expectancy of people like me is basically the entire time I will have spent climbing out of hell, or perhaps even younger than that. We're talking like mid-30s maybe, if that. And I feel it. I feel old, I feel wise, I feel like a sage whose highest purpose now is to protect the young ones. I feel it in my bones. I literally already have arthritis. But I want and deserve my own fun life with good people, the life I've been dreaming of this whole time, so I will fight to have it and to keep it.

But that's not good enough. None of this is good enough. None of this is fair. I need to know how to make this better for those who come after me. I need to know how to solve this problem, how to pick out the good people out of hell and save them sooner so that they don't have to claw themselves out (and usually die trying). Because they are so good. And they are so real. And they deserve as much love as I have for myself, and even more care and acceptance than I have right now.

I'm gonna have to think about this one for a long time. Maybe I should go back to school for a psych degree. I simply don't understand how to fix this yet. And that makes me so, so angry.

*The way that I can tell most of them didn't survive, is that there's a huge gap. Zoomers who are just like me but at least a few years younger are actually not that hard to find, and many of them are close friends. Once you hit 25 and up, though, it's a fucking ghost town out here, and most of us are terminally online from physically isolated spaces. I'm able to conclude that they didn't make it because *I* almost didn't make it dozens of times. I very much am a survivor on the same level as any traumatized war veteran. And I have a lot of concrete reasons as to why, that apply to my immediate generation much much more than they could ever apply to anyone a few years younger. Cultural shifts and practices. For example, that era in the mid and late 00s when every big popular movie was a comedy, and every comedy made it a point to treat trans and disabled people like subhumans to laugh at, beat up, and even kill (a lot of these live-action movies turned deadly things like ramming someone with a car into cartoon slapstick). Guess what I was doing in the mid and late 00s? Why, being adolescent and impressionable and desperate to fit in and find my place, of course. The culture at the time, that enjoyed movies like that, made it clear to me that I had to hide everything about who I was, even to myself, or else I'd end up dead.