#instead of this weird attempt at being progressive but really showing their lack of awareness??????

[birdmenmanga]

this omegaverse shit is crazy... they really invented misogynist feminism

[randomidiocyncrazies]

some more musings on the HaruJin Utena AU:

If Yuujin is going to be the Sword instead of the Bride—specifically in order to present as an active character with agency and to preserve Haru’s hero-worship—I think him being to shapeshift according to his wielder’s preference could be kind of cool...

In Utena, the Rose Bride is stated to be an empty vessel (because they don’t see Anthy as a person), so Yuujin shifting his sword-form to reflect his current wielder’s preference is a hint that his agency is limited without stating it explicitly? Like, the audience sees his sword form looking different depending on who is wielding him, but are never explicitly told whether these differences are voluntary on Yuujin’s part or not—key elements probably look the same (color scheme and basic decorative elements etc) but he becomes a different type of sword/blade depending on his wielder.

Hm... going a step further, would he be able to become different types of weapons/tools in the hands of different wielders? I envisioned him as a sword because that’s like a ‘classic’ hero weapon, but I think it’d be kind of cool if he’s a shield for Haru—both to reflect Haru’s nature as someone who’s motivated to protect other people, and to reflect the initial (perceived) dynamic between the two where Yuujin is assumed to be Haru’s protector

But then again... Hero/Protagonist is the key concept attached to Haru and Yuujin, and swords are heavily associated with heroes...

Haru has to lose Yuujin at least once:

I think Knight is a good candidate for the role, since Haru did lose Yuujin to him (and, combined with the loss of Gatchmon, motivated Haru to progress in his character development in Appmon canon).

Plus, Haru was taken in by Knight before the guy showed his true colors... there’s some similarity with Utena and Touga’s first match, though Touga put in a lot more effort to specifically manipulate Utena

On the other hand, I think it’d be interesting if Rei got his hands on Yuujin for a short while, and it’s part of why he’s so suspicious of him—maybe Rei dug deeper into the system and found weird data discrepancies surrounding Yuujin’s records like in Appmon canon, or there’s a suspicious lack of information about how Yuujin became the Hero’s Sword (Hero’s Boon? Hero’s Weapon? idk) etc.

If we try to incorporate Hajime being turned into Sleepmon in this AU, maybe Hajime is also a weapon (and locked in his weapon form???) But then Yuujin’s connection to Leviathan would be way too obvious, since it establishes a link between Leviathan and people who can turn into weapons...

Also, to replicate the relationship between Yuujin and YJ-14 for this AU, maybe... YJ-14 is the real Hero’s Sword? Yuujin is just a decoy/sheath for the real sword, which is why he’s not really aware of his time as a weapon. This is veering away from Utena territory though.

Maybe the Hero’s Sword (YJ-14) is the key to freeing Leviathan from whatever prison its been exiled to? It must be wielded by human hands—because tools are created by humans to serve specific functions etc—so Leviathan lacks the ability to directly use the Hero’s Sword, but can manipulate humans into doing it for him.

Or maybe the Hero’s Sword is to get to Minerva so Leviathan can absorb her, rather than freeing Leviathan from exile?

As for why Yuujin exists, maybe YJ-14 or Leviathan created him as a lure to tempt/incentivize people to use the sword (much like how Yuujin is originally a persona crafted to blend into human society to gather data on Haru in Appmon canon)—after all, Yuujin is much more personable than YJ-14 or Leviathan.

Unlike Anthy, who is ‘present’ for all her suffering and previous cycles, Yuujin’s memories are either reset upon each attempt to free Leviathan/get to Minerva, or this is the first attempt of such a system. I personally like the vibe of there having been multiple previous attempts, but I haven’t come up with justifications for why the previous attempts have failed.

The central conflict isn’t about the cycle of abuse and systemic oppression like in Utena, but about autonomy/agency.

I think a point of contention between Haru and YJ-14 (and Leviathan) is the concept of “a tool is created to serve its purpose, nothing more and nothing less” vs “nobody is should be treated as a tool—even if they’re created as one, they should gain the right to decide their own fate”

Meanwhile, a lowkey conflict might be Yuujin’s “I don’t mind being your sword/a tool in your hands” vs Haru’s increasing discomfort because he sees Yuujin as person

Maybe off topic, but it would be neat to address Eri’s workaholic tendencies too? idk how to fit it in though

Alas, I still haven’t found a way to incorporate the appmons in this AU...

[shhhhsh]

About Tim’s New Story….

I just really hope they address Tim’s mental health. Like, DC just been ditching really good plot lines in favor of being “woke” or pandering. Just look at all the live action shows.

Now I’m not saying they can’t make Tim queer/bi/gay, but (as someone pointed out to me) Tim’s previous story writer was bi and he still chose to write Tim as straight & in a healthy romantic relationship with Stephanie Brown. I’ve seen several people who identify as queer/bi say that to have Tim go “ ooooh I’ve fooled myself into thinking I was straight, but now I’m freeeee” sends the message that Tim’s previous relationship failed b/c he was with a woman and not because of Tim’s poor mental and emotional health.

To go back to my previous statement; by him not writing Tim as bi tells me that he didn’t want or care for Tim to be bi, but instead saw Tim as, or preferred him to be, straight. The writer had free control to write Tim how ever he wanted and yet he chose to keep Tim straight. And he actually liked & wanted Tim/Steph. Again, I’m not saying Tim can’t be queer/bi, I’m just saying I find the motivations for this possible change very fishy. Almost as if the new writer is trying to get brownie points for pandering to a portion of the fans.

I think this way b/c in every other media where a character is revealed to be LGBTQ they just did it. They didn’t beat around the bush or do any queer coding/baiting. They either announced it, just made the character that way right out the gate, or just dropped the bomb w/out warning (as seen in Netflix’s Voltron, Amazon Prime’s Invincible, and Nickelodeon’s Legend of Korra respectfully).

DC currently has a bad habit changing things to be “woke” and bragging about it or shoving it in our faces. DC is becoming the “pick me girl” of superhero media. If you want to do it, just do it. Again I just get the “look at me, look at me” & “carrot on the stick” vibes from them now. If you truly feel in your heart to do something you would just do it without the need for recognition or to be so dramatic about it.

Now what I much rather see & think it’s a natural progression for Tim:

I personally believe that if Jason, Dick, & Damian can get a story that attempts to give them character development beyond romantic relationships (romance was more of a B-plot to the character driven A-plot anyway) I think they can give it to Tim as well.

I know that the Bat-Family all struggle with some form of mental health problems (most commonly paranoia and PTSD). However, I would like to point out that trauma is was what brought the others into the vigilante lifestyle, while Tim & Barbara became traumatized because of the vigilante lifestyle. Yet, Barbara was shown overcoming her trauma and using it as motivation to get better. Tim is yet to have this moment.

We all know that Tim struggles with depression, self-esteem, and suicidal tendencies. I mean heck, him becoming Red Robin only happens because of Tim’s degrading mental health. I hate to say it, but Tim is very psychologically broken and has been show to get so depressed that he can’t even get out of bed some times. To my knowledge, Tim is the only one in the Bat-Fam that struggles in his head with the idea of not being needed, useful, or forgotten when in reality that is furthest from the truth (Steph, Jason, & Damian also feel like the black sheep periodically, but that is because they have been presented with real evidence that would lead them to logically believe this. I.e being actually forgotten or dismissed for past mistakes despite great efforts to better themselves).

While yes, Dick did Tim dirty by replacing him without having a proper conversation first, the motivation was because he saw Tim as his equal and not Damian. He thought highly of Tim, but Tim couldn’t see that over his offense. Tim is so beat down by life that he see’s everything with negative lenses. Everyone came to check on Tim’s mental health but Tim took it as an insult instead.

And even though now Tim has reached some form of “peace” in his life, that only happens because the people he lost came back (Bruce, Conner, Bart, Cassie, etc). Tim never fully learned to handle grief, to handle his emotions, instead he represses them. Again in the Red Robin run, the main reason he doesn’t believe in any form of God is because he can’t logically justify the pain he has gone through. He is hurting and doesn’t know how to deal with that. In his original Robin run, when he tried talking someone out of committing suicide……the words and comfort he gave….that wasn’t something that was just inside Tim, this is something that was told to Tim. This is followed by him calling Dick to get the same pep-talk he just regurgitated to someone else.

In short: Tim is hurting. Deeply. And having been someone who’s emotional & mental sanity was pushed to the brink and attempted to jump off several times, I think it’s really sad that DC just ignores it. Now as someone who’s gotten the help they needed & now helps other people who struggle with the same issues as myself & Tim, I think that they’re going to say a lot of Tim’s problems come from him not being “aware” of his own sexuality, which is just sad.

In the story in question, Barbara talks about Tim not having a solid identity. People are more than their sexuality. People are capable of making future decisions for themselves without it hindering on their sexuality. If Tim was real, I would brake down his struggle as so:

Tim refuses to go to college and do something more with his life because he cannot see anything beyond his current circumstance. And the only reason why Tim cannot see anything beyond his circumstance is because he has no internal sense of purpose, identity, and acceptance beyond the cape & cowl. And when Tim finally found that in being Robin, Tim held onto it as a lifeline. There’s a reason why everyone says Tim is basically Bruce 2.0: it’s because he is Robin/Red Robin/Drake & Tim is the mask. At a young age, he did not grow up having these things instilled into him due to his parents neglecting him at a very important age in his development. Tim raised himself, and for a lack of better terms; an idiot cannot teach themselves to be smarter, an idiot becomes smarter by learning from the intelligent. A child can’t teach themselves to be an adult, they have to learn from others to grow & better themselves.

Now a parent doesn’t necessarily have to sit down and give a lesson about how to be an individual, but children learn how to live life by watching their parents. A good example of this is the rest of the Bat-Fam; they all grew up with some form of parental figures that taught them how to behave (for better or worse). Of course children have their own personalities, which is why two kids can go through the same type of trauma but come out differently, but it is a battle of nature vs nurture. Steph, Jason, Cass, & Damian grew up in abusive/unstable homes, while Dick, Barbara, & Bruce grew up in loving homes, but their personalities & character dictated how they responded to trauma. They took what life gave them and decided what to leave or take.

Tim had nothing to work with & is basically playing catch-up with the rest of his peers.

In a weird sense, Tim is like Zuko from The Last Airbender: only living to serve their father’s purpose. Anything outside of that they don’t know what to do. They’ve been trained to be something externally without been given a chance to figure out who they are internally.

Again you are not your sexuality, your sexuality does not determine who you are as a person. When a person struggles through life, it is due to the conditions of thier soul. Everything starts internally and shows it’s self externally.

I want to make that very clear because I am truly scared that in DC’s attempt to claim “clout” they are missing the bigger picture. Tim doesn’t have identity problems simply because he “doesn’t know” he likes boys, but because DC never gave him is own identity to begin with. Robin was never his own identity, Red Robin was never his, & Drake was his first attempt to make his own but he quickly gave it up so that he can be Robin once again. What is Tim going to do once Damian gets back? Is Damian going to get his own identity before Tim? Or is Tim just going to go back to one of his old identities?

I would like for Tim to personally move on from being a vigilante and rejoin civilian society for a while. Go to college, do something for himself and only for himself. Give Tim the self-discovery story, let him heal, and grown to be his own person. Besides you can never have a functional romantic relationship if you are not a functional individual. Self love > romantic love.

[lord-woolsley]

Stumbling Steps

Fandom: Dragon Age Inquisition (Dorian Pavus/Cullen Rutherford) Chapters: 1/1 (3105 words) Rating: Teen And Up Summary: Surrounded by at least 12 nobles Cullen had felt quite uncomfortable since they had arrived at the Winter Palace but with the evening progressing and the alcohol flowing his “suitors“ had become bolder. Cullen is in distress, Dorian saves the day. Rant: If you like it, please leave some love on ao3. ♡ Ao3: Link

Stumbling Steps

“Smile, Commander, you’re so handsome when you smile.“ “He’s just as handsome when he doesn’t.“

Cullen asked himself if the Maker intended to punish him for something. Maybe for leaving the Order, standing against the Chantry‘s will by supporting the Inquisition or more likely for the disaster that had happened in Kirkwall. That must have been it. The Maker probably blamed him for not seeing through Meredith’s grand scheme earlier or maybe he had done something wrong during his time at the Circle Tower in Ferelden and couldn’t remember anymore. Most of it was a blur anyway.

He had been the Templar recruit who had fled from the Hero of Ferelden after all because she – he still blushed thinking about it - had flirted with him. This here is what happens to guys that run away instead of facing their problems, he thought to himself.

He sometimes should have shown more initiative, he was aware of that. Blindly following orders had been his weakness in the past, one he was happy he had overcome.

Cullen didn’t know for which of these shortcomings he was punished here exactly but he had obviously done something very very wrong to deserve this.

Surrounded by at least 12 nobles he had felt quite uncomfortable since they had arrived at the Winter Palace but with the evening progressing and the alcohol flowing his “suitors“ had become bolder. Cullen was pretty sure someone had squeezed his butt just now.

“Did you grab...my bottom?“, he asked, his face flushed red but his voice angry. “I couldn’t help myself.“, the lady exclaimed, she sounded like she thought she was entitled to do to him whatever she desired. Nobles. He wanted to retch.

The woman didn’t seem to notice it or she just didn’t care. Cullen frowned and feared it was the latter because she was already holding out a hand again, trying to touch the scar on his lip. Cullen used his Templar training and dodged. He was being attacked here after all, not with weapons but with something far worse.

“Are you married, Commander?“ “Not yet... but I‘m already taken.“ It was a blatant lie but he had hoped some of them would show at least some respect considering the prospect of him being in a relationship. "Still single, then.“ Or not.

Why would he even think these people cared about someone being taken, had they harassed him the whole evening without any consent from his side, the opposite even. He doubted even a ring on his finger could have stopped or avoided this.

Cullen wanted to escape the Ballroom, run away and leave Halamshiral for good, doing exactly what he had done to the Hero of Ferelden all those years ago. He wanted to be a coward again. Corypheus, the Breach and the assassination attempt on Celene’s life be damned.

“You must dance with me, Commander, you cannot stand about all evening.“ “I‘m afraid not, thank you.“

This was definitely the woman who had grabbed his butt a few second ago. He would rather dance with an archdemon in Haven’s ruins with Solas watching and commenting on his bad posture instead of staying here for one minute longer. But he had to be polite and couldn’t risk to snap, Josephine‘s disappointment would be unbearable if he endangered their plan just because some nobles couldn’t keep it in their pants. Their cause was greater than this and he was the Commander of the Inquisition after all, he wouldn’t bow to some royals behaving abysmal.

The worst disappointment of the evening so far had been that the Inquisitor had witnessed some of the harassing and didn’t do or say anything about it. She had seen mostly the flirting, Cullen supposed. He was pretty sure Herah would have stepped in if she had witnessed someone touching him without his consent. But she hadn’t seen the extent of their actions and probably thought he was the victim of some annoying courting and bickering. No harm in that.

She had given him an apologetic look - pitiful even - and suggested he should talk to Josephine about it or Leliana if he wanted one of them assassinated. Leliana‘s methods were unconventional at least but the thought of an arrow through that horrible woman’s face was lightening his mood. Or maybe Josie could spread a handful of filthy rumors and destroy some reputations.

If he only knew where Lady Montilyet or Leliana were lingering tonight or if these suitors would let him go to search for one of them.

They had zeroed in on him and he couldn’t find the smallest gap to slip through, he was literally glued to the spot. He was being held captive by - it was embarrassing - a flock of noble ladies and their petticoats and even some gentlemen who were at least a bit more discreet, probably because they didn’t want to ruin their reputations.

He was their prey, a piece of meat, and they were hungry wolves that hadn‘t been fed for months, so it seemed.

Cullen was gazing at Herah who would soon leave him here to die - he wished for the sweet release of death at this point - Sera now seemingly glued to her side, chuckling and grinning like an idiot. Nothing unusual about that.

Inquisitor Adaar was red-faced and he was pretty sure Sera had just said something really dirty to her. About an empty broom closet and peaches and breeches. It even rhymed awfully. That must have been Seras attempt at seduction if he wasn’t mistaken completely. Not that he, by any means, was better at creating romantic phrases or paying compliments if they weren’t about the weather. She was definitely more forward than he would ever be.

His thoughts must have jinxed it because in that exact moment Sera started to make loud smooching noises. Cullen wasn’t sure if she intended to mock him or if she wanted to encourage Inquisitor Adaar for whatever awaited her in that broom closet.

Both women left his side eventually, fleeing from strangers approaching them, mostly nobles that thought it would be advantageous to be seen with the Herald of Andraste. He could understand it to an extent. Herah had it hard enough already, most nobles at Halamshiral didn’t treat a Qunari kindly. She deserved to get away from all this for a while.

Cullen could only guess what Sera and Herah were up to after Sera’s remark. The thought made him blush. At least the Inquisitor was having fun while he was suffering. He would rather have all the side effects of his Lyrium withdrawal all at once instead of being touched by strangers without manners.

He longingly stared after them, seeing Sera’s blonde hair disappear in the crowd. He was on his own now.

Cullen wished he could pay an empty broom closet a visit as well until the event was over. Sweet solitude.

"Commander, that woman you‘re in a relationship with, does she really exist?“, another lady asked and he knew he would start to blush and stutter any second in search for an excuse or an inscrutable lie.

But for the first time this evening he was lucky. When he saw Dorian stumbling to the buffet, alone, unoccupied and an empty wine glass in hand he saw his chance.

“Dorian, sweetheart, I‘m here.“ He waved at the mage and really hoped Dorian was either drunk enough not to notice his weird behavior or quick enough to catch up on the situation Cullen was currently trapped in.

The Tevinter shot him a confused look but came closer nevertheless.

“Here he is, my date, the person I told you about, the man I’m in a relationship with.“, Cullen stuttered, pointing at Dorian who was clearly trying to make sense of the situation.

“Ah, my Commander, I thought I had lost you.“ Thank the Maker Dorian was playing along. He was undoubtedly a smart man.

“Cullen, you can’t be serious?“, one of the ladies screeched in his ear, a painful noise leaving it ringing for multiple seconds. Leliana‘s ravens could learn a lot from this woman‘s high-pitched exclamation.

“Isn’t this the evil Tevinter Magister everyone was gossiping about the whole night? I know he’s with the Inquisition but we were warned about him, everyone said he should be avoided at all costs. He‘s no suitable company for someone as handsome and heroic as you.“

Hearing the word Magister Dorian rolled his eyes but he didn’t comment on it. Cullen could feel him correcting the term to „Altus“ in his head, followed by "Southerners, can’t recognize the difference between a dog and a cat.“

“That is for me to decide.“, Cullen said. "I‘m glad, Commander, otherwise this relationship would be rather one-sided, wouldn’t it be?“ Dorian was offering Cullen his arm to desperately cling to which to his own shame Cullen did.

“Amatus, you promised me a dance. I couldn’t find you until now but I‘m here to take you up on it.“ “Of course, love.“ Cullen was clearing his throat and was trying to shoot Dorian what he thought was an affectionate gaze.

One of the ladies actually had the indecency to grasp after Dorian‘s arm and was trying to shove him away from Cullen.

“I really wouldn’t do this if I were you.“, the mage said, voice sharp. "There‘s a clear lack of blood magic tonight for my taste. You wouldn’t want to witness some, would you? A real taste of a Tevinter party. I could arrange that.“

Cullen was always surprised how eloquent Dorian was and how he always found a way out of the most horrible situations. Using his status as the evil Tevinter mage everyone was making him out to be was risky but it definitely seemed to work in this case.

The woman - and many others of his suitors - looked shocked and were hiding their disapproval with throwing their hands to their faces to cover their eyes. Like this childish gesture could make Dorian vanish and disappear from the spot if they pressed their eyes shut hard enough.

“Scandalous.“, two were whispering to each other. “What a waste. A man like the Commander..., I didn’t know he shared certain quirks with the empress.“ “I wouldn’t let her hear you.“, Dorian said. "Or should I tell her myself?“ "She wouldn’t believe you, you‘re from Tevinter." "You really wanna try me? I can be pretty persuasive.", Dorian asked, his words a warning.

The lady was silent for a moment before she bowed her head, slowly shaking it.

“Of course not, I apologize.“, the woman said, clearly not meaning it. She was faking a smile which distorted her face into an ugly grimace behind her mask.

“As if these quirks are the only problem here, the evil Magister has clearly enchanted him.“, one of the gentleman said.

“With my charms and wits maybe. Or my handsome face.“, Dorian said smugly. “All assets you people are visibly lacking. And now if you would be so kind to excuse us, the Commander owes me a dance.“ “That I do.“ Cullen would grant Dorian all the dances in the world for saving him.

With their arms locked they left the Ballroom in search of a quiet spot for Cullen to recover. They were in luck, one of the balconies was empty and even had some free benches to rest on.

“What just happened?“, Dorian asked. „Apart from the obvious, of course.“ “I apologize for using you as my escape plan, Dorian, I am deeply sorry.“ “No, no, it‘s fine. Their behavior, horrible that. Reminds me of home. I wouldn’t even wish this on my father or the Venatori. Maybe on Corypheus though. He wouldn’t be able to destroy the world. Those ladies would never let him go. They would tear him to pieces with their prying gazes. Oh, Corypheus, you owe me a dance." Dorian was spinning his empty wine glass in his hand while speaking.

"Oh, I didn’t even let you get a new drink.“, Cullen said, trying to apologize. Again. ”That was obviously why you came inside, wasn’t it? And now you left empty-handed." "I wouldn’t exactly call this empty-handed. I‘ve got quite a handful." Dorian gestured to their linked arms, an amused grin spreading on his lips.

"Well, I had enough to drink for the evening anyway. I’m feeling a bit tipsy already.“, Dorian started "But let’s not change the subject over something so unimportant as an empty glass of wine - as good as the Orlesian stuff might be. I‘m just gonna get the whole bottle later." Dorian placed his empty glass on one of the benches.

"So, Commander, do tell. Why me? Wasn’t there someone else the Commander of the Inquisition could have faked an romantic involvement with? I‘m pretty sure the Lady Seeker was around somewhere." "... Nevermind, when I think about it now, she would have probably chopped your head off for the idea alone. I was the safer bet, no head chopping here. Even though: you’re aware this is enough for a scandal? You won’t be able to save yourself from the rumors. The evil Tevinter Magister", Dorian mentioned the wrong title with his typical annoyance "... and a man on top of that. We will be the talk of the evening, not even an assassination attempt can change that. In my experience Orlesians are that close-minded."

Cullen hadn’t thought of that, clearly. He had just wanted to get away from these people as far and as quick as possible, not taking the consequences into consideration. He needed to make this right at some point but this wasn’t the time for it neither could he do something about it while being trapped in the Winter Palace. This was Josephine’s strength, not his.

Cullen felt guilty for making Dorian an even bigger victim of Orlesian gossip even though he himself didn’t care too much about their insults if they only kept their physical distance. But maybe Dorian felt different about this.

“I‘m not ashamed of being seen with you, Dorian.“ Cullen said after a long moment of silence. He actually meant it.

“Oh, Commander, you do surprise me.“, Dorian said, faint smile spreading on his face. “It‘s nice having some company after all. You could think I smell of cabbages with everyone trying to stay as far away from me as possible. I was already at my seventh glass of wine when you saw me heading inside. I needed to keep myself entertained somehow. I was feeling rather lonely and a bit drunk now as well to be fair.“ “I‘m still glad you‘re here, Dorian. Can I make it up to you somehow? As a little thank you for saving me. Maybe even with the dance I promised to you earlier. I have to warn you though I‘m a terrible dancer. But one who keeps his word.“ “Are you sure? Dancing with the evil Magister, in full view of every noble in Orlais. How shocking.“ “They‘ll live.“, Cullen said.

He was surprised by his own confidence regarding the gossip. But that was the point, wasn’t it? It was nothing like idle hearsay after all and it wouldn’t bear any real problem for any of them. Especially not if they would manage to save the empress at the end of night. Orlais would be in debt to the Inquisition and only positive word of their members would spread.

“You say that now. If you can find me ten silk scarves, I‘ve got a dance that will really shock them.“ “I-", Cullen started “don’t know what to say to that. I just hope you‘re a better dancer than I am. In dances that don’t involve silk scarves that is.“

A red color was spreading from his cheeks to his throat while he was trying to get that picture of Dorian doing some erotic Tevinter dance out of his head. Without much success, he had to admit. Who would even say a thing like that? Dorian Pavus obviously.

"Oh, I am indeed.“, Dorian said, he didn’t seem to notice how flustered the Commander was at his words. Which was great, Cullen thought. It left him with the last pieces of his dignity still intact.

"Picture me a boy of 15, being forced by his mother to dance with every suitable lady in the room. You learn some things even if you don’t want to. But you see, it‘s of use now. Mother certainly wouldn’t approve of it now, as you can imagine. But enough talk. Let‘s dance.“

Dorian was bowing and offering his hand to Cullen. Every lady would have been envious of the perfection and grace with which Dorian executed that gesture. If it wouldn’t have been the evil Tevinter asking for a dance of course and some noble gentleman instead.

Cullen was certainly blushing because of Dorian’s performance but he took the mages hand in his own anyway and was instantly pulled into Dorian‘s grip whose fingers were placed on Cullen’s waist immediately.

“Is this okay for you, Commander? If this is too much physical contact after what you‘ve just been through, I understand. We can postpone our little dance or leave it be if that‘s more to your liking.“ “I’m good. You decide, Dorian.“

The mage shook his head and made some “Tsk, tsk.“ noises but started with slow and practiced steps even Cullen could follow.

“Thank Godness one of us has a little initiative.“, Dorian chuckled.

Cullen didn’t know if the nobility was actually watching them from inside the Ballroom but he didn’t lie, he couldn’t care less about it. He owed Dorian that dance and it was most definitely more pleasant than being trapped by harassing strangers, noble or not. He actually quite enjoyed himself after the horror of the last hours. A moment of peace with someone he liked.

“After our beautiful dance I’m actually quite sad you‘re not interested in men at all. A shame, that.“ “Yes, a shame.“, Cullen agreed without even thinking about it.

•

Suddenly one of the bushes next to the railing of the balcony Dorian and Cullen were dancing on started to chuckle and when both men followed the noise with their gazes to uncover its origin, they looked straight into the amused faces of Sera and the Inquisitor. Both women were trying to hide behind its leafs while failing miserably. Sera‘s laughter wasn’t exactly subtle either.

“So much for an empty broom closet.“, Cullen stated. Sera was grinning at him. “No, this is so much better." The Inquisitor nodded. “And here I was thinking our dear Commander would be the knight in shining armor tonight. How wrong I was."

[kaiunkaiku]

I return from the grave with a fic! I swear I wasn’t meaning to publish this on April 1st but what can you do, I’m beyond done with this particular piece and it’s finally ready. Fuck it. 

Fandom: D.Gray-man

Warnings: Illness, delirious narrator at times, attempted and botched character analysis

@i-am-too-sick it’s finally here!

Kanda is shaking.

Lavi has been aware of this fact for a while, now. 

Kanda has been shaking for a while, now. 

Lavi would like to do something about it, since Kanda is obviously feeling like utter hell, but his last attempt to approach ended with Mugen’s hilt against his throat, so he isn’t about to try that again any time soon. His biggest accomplishment is his jacket acting as Kanda’s pillow.

But Kanda does look horribly pale, the dark of his hair only contrasting it further in the dim lights of the train cabin. Lavi wonders how high his fever currently is, but he has no way of checking. Kanda is, in general, very strict about his personal space, but right now it seems to be even worse. Lavi has tried asking, several times, but the responses have consisted of one-syllable answers, muttered grumbling and murderous glares, and he isn’t a big fan of being the target of Kanda-level bloodlust. 

Lavi just hopes he’ll manage to keep his head until Marie and General Tiedoll join them at the next station in a few hours.

The few hours pass and Kanda’s condition shows no signs of improving – rather, it almost looks like he’s getting worse. The shaking is more obvious now, and he’s sweating. His hair is plastered to his face that has taken a quite worrying ashy hue. The worst is his ragged breathing that he seems to be trying to control with no success at all. Lavi is fairly sure Kanda’s body is just trying to get rid of whatever is wrong, but because this is Kanda, it’s doing it at a horribly accelerated pace. Kanda is probably trying to fight it, because Lavi can’t even imagine how awful it must be for something that’s supposed to last presumably over a week, because if he’s correct Kanda has some nasty variant of the flu, to cram itself in all its misery into a day or two. 

XxX

Generally, Kanda doesn’t have anything in particular against trains. They’re certainly faster than walking, and he’s willing to stand irritating company, as long as the company is silent, if it means he can sit down and maybe nap (he prefers walking with Allen, because the fucking bean sprout cannot shut the fuck up, which means walking far enough ahead of him is the only way to get away from the incessant yapping). 

Right now, though, the train cabin feels like a rattling death trap. He’s only vaguely aware of Lavi’s concerned stare, and somehow he feels like he’s both burning and freezing in his own skin. He’s fairly sure his hands are shaking too badly to even hold Mugen anymore, so if Lavi decides to try and come closer again, he’s not really sure what’s going to happen. He’ll probably hurl.

Kanda’s body feels like he’s been fighting for a week straight, and his head feels like it’s simultaneously being crushed and melding itself back together. Both are even on their own enough to make him scream on a bad day, and if he knew with any certainty that screaming would make the pain stop, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He has, however, come to the conclusion that even the slightest of sounds makes it exponentially worse, so he remains silent and grits his teeth. The rattling of the train is awful enough, even if Lavi’s uniform jacket does soften it ever so slightly.

Lavi is saying something, Kanda thinks, and it sets little explosions off in his head and he wants to scream again, but he can’t take a deep enough breath to make that much noise anyway. If he didn’t know better, he’d say he’s currently working with maybe half a lung instead of two. Kanda opens his eyes to send a menacing glare in Lavi’s direction, but his vision is so blurry he can barely make out where the damn rabbit is at the moment. 

He can still see the lotus, though. Clear and sharp. Everywhere.

It takes him a moment to realize that the train isn’t moving. Stringing together a coherent train of thought is far more difficult than it should be, and it isn’t until he sees a flash of familiar dark fabric that he realizes they’re probably at a station.

And then the General shouts, “Yuu-kun!” or at least Kanda is fairly sure he does, and Kanda feels all of his muscles lock up in protest to the sudden noise. There’s a choked gasp that probably came from his own mouth, and then a hand on his face and it’s both awful and a blessing because the hand is cool against his burning skin but his skin also feels like it’s burning off and the contact makes it worse and suddenly Kanda has no idea which way he’s lying down, where’s up where’s down is he moving is he not moving why does someone keep screaming his name why is his heart trying to beat itself out of his chest why is his throat being shred to pieces 

what the hell is happening.

XxX

Kanda is shaking.

He was shaking before, too, but that was more on the side of shivering. Right now, he’s nearly convulsing, and Lavi just prays he’s not going to have a seizure, because he’s not a doctor, Marie is not a doctor and General Tiedoll is not a doctor, and the cabin is on the smaller side. They have another cabin booked for them, presumably similar to this one, so they don’t have to spend the remaining trip all in the same small space, and Lavi has no idea why the hell he’s thinking about that right now, because there’s something very, very wrong with Kanda.

Marie is standing at the door, although he looks like he’d rather scoop Kanda up from where he’s lying, curled up to himself around Mugen, and carry him out and to the nearest inn. If Lavi is being honest, Kanda kind of looks like that would be good for him. 

General Tiedoll has his hand on Kanda’s cheek and a concerned frown on his own face. Kanda himself is simultaneously trying to breathe and cough his lungs out, and Lavi is afraid Kanda is really going to pass out soon, if not from anything else then from lack of oxygen. The General is trying to talk to him, or at least to get his attention somehow, but Kanda doesn’t look like he’s even hearing, let alone responding.

And then, Kanda stops. Suddenly all the movement and noise ceases and his eyes widen for a fraction of a second. “Yuu-kun?” the General asks, voice just as concerned as his face. A horrible whimper, barely audible, escapes Kanda’s lips, and Lavi decidedly never, never wants to hear anything so awful ever again, and his eyes roll back. Kanda goes limp and both Marie and Lavi surge forward, even though General Tiedoll is already turning his pupil over on his back. He swiftly hands Mugen to Lavi, who nearly drops it. 

Kanda looks disturbingly peaceful unconscious, Lavi thinks. His breathing is still messed up, but his face is slack and void of any irritation or discomfort, as if it hasn’t been ten seconds since he was in excruciating pain and shaking badly enough for it to be heard. 

XxX

Waking up is… weird. Everything is a little fuzzy, everything is a lot painful and nothing feels quite right. There’s something cool on his face, covering his eyes, which is okay because he’s fairly sure he doesn’t want to see anything right now, and he’s freezing. 

There’s a hand in his hair and something under his head. 

The fingers on his scalp nearly make Kanda sit up and flinch back, but before his reflexes can kick in, he recognizes the familiar feeling.

Marie. 

That’s good, Marie is good. Marie is constant, Marie is safe, and although Kanda isn’t quite sure how he ended up in this situation, he feels horrible enough to let Marie run his fingers through his hair. He remembers feeling sick earlier, too, vaguely before he and Lavi boarded the train, and then progressively worse after that. He remembers Lavi prodding him, remembers Lavi offering him his jacket at some point and not even bothering to refuse. 

After that, most things are just pain and haze. He can kind of recall pointing Mugen, hilted, at the damn rabbit’s throat, but that’s a usual occurrence and he could be remembering a totally different time. 

“You’re awake?” 

Kanda can’t help but flinch at the sudden voice. It’s quiet and low, and doesn’t aggravate his head as badly as it probably could. Marie’s fingers stop moving for a moment before continuing their journey along his scalp. Kanda offers a low hum in a belated response. He thinks, at least. He can’t seem to distinguish between seconds and minutes.

“You gave us quite a scare,” Marie continues, and while both his presence and voice are familiar and safe and comforting, just concentrating on the words feels exhausting. “How do you feel?”

“Like my body is trying to stitch itself together while being shred to pieces,” Kanda mutters in response, through a raw throat. He isn’t sure how much sense that sentence made, but he can’t seem to be sure of anything right now. There’s a weird pressure in his head that’s distorting everything, or maybe it’s the constant, dizzying rush of blood in his ears. Marie’s voice sounds oddly distant, almost like an echo. 

The train lurches in some direction, Kanda isn’t sure which because he’s not sure which way he himself is except that he’s on his back and he thinks his head is on Marie’s lap, and there’s a crash and some cursing coming from somewhere and the whatever was on his face slides off. There’s a hand on his waist and he doesn’t know how long it’s been there and suddenly everything is spinning even though he has his eyes closed, no he doesn’t when did he open his eyes, there are flowers at the edges of his vision, he thinks, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t feel like himself and he just wants things to stay still and he can’t breathe— 

And then there’s red in his vision, a touch on his shoulder and all he can hear is white noise but Lavi’s lips are moving and the world tilts, there’s a hand on his back and he feels vaguely like he’s going to throw up. Swallows thickly. The hands on him are doing something, pushing him somewhere and he wants them off, off, he doesn’t know whether he’s burning or freezing again because maybe it’s both. It kind of feels like the time the Science Section freaks accidentally set him on fire and then dunked him in ice cold water because it was November, except that this is his entire body burning and not just his arm. 

Huh. He still hasn’t murdered Reever for that.

XxX

Kanda is shaking.

It’s more on the shivering side again, which Lavi supposes is good, but he’s also borderline delirious. He’s barely reacting to anything, even though according to Marie he was still responsive just moments ago. Sudden movements, Lavi assumes, are doing him no favors.

The more pressing issue, however, is the fact that Kanda’s face is clammy with sweat and positively burning. His pupils are dilated so far Lavi can barely see the blue of Kanda’s eyes around them, and keeping calm is becoming increasingly difficult.

The fact is, though, that currently Lavi is the person with most medical knowledge present, so he just has to suck it up.

“Marie,” he starts, directing his words to the older Exorcist, hands still on Kanda’s shoulders. “We need to get his fever down. He’s burning up.” Marie nods and starts unbuttoning Kanda’s uniform jacket. It hurts Lavi’s heart, because Kanda obviously feels like he’s freezing, but getting his body temperature down is more important than comfort right now. 

General Tiedoll is still negotiating with the train staff about a bigger cabin with an actual bed, which shouldn’t be so difficult because they’re the Black Order, but apparently some civilians can be more of a pain in the ass than an Akuma or three. 

It doesn’t matter, Lavi tells himself as he moves to open the cabin’s window. Marie is in the process of taking off Kanda’s shirt, a process made difficult by the fact that Kanda has no idea what’s going on and probably just wants to stay warm. Marie is talking to him in a low voice, trying to make him relax enough to let him get the shirt off, because Kanda has his arms locked around himself. 

Lavi needs water. He also needs ice, but he’s not sure he can find that on the train. They have two stations left until the final one, and from there they’re supposed to make their way to London. Though, Lavi suspects they might have to stay in France a bit longer than expected, because he’s not hauling Kanda across the English Channel in this condition. That means more expenses for the Order, of course, but Komui will probably understand.

No, Komui will definitely understand, Lavi decides, because despite the fact that the man is a total whackjob, he also cares deeply for all his subordinates. If it wasn’t for his workload and tendency to get seasick, Lavi wouldn’t be surprised to see Komui drag himself across the Channel just to check on Kanda. One or two nights in Calais for four Exorcists isn’t going to destroy the Order’s budget. 

And now, he needs that water. He trusts Marie to take care of Kanda – he’s been an Exorcist long enough to know actual, proper first-aid (one would expect any person to know first-aid when they frequently fight against killer machines, but Kanda absolutely sucks at that), and more importantly, Kanda trusts him. 

XxX

Marie is worried, there’s no other way to express it. He trusts Lavi to know what he’s doing, but with the way Kanda’s skin is burning or heart is beating or breathing is sounding, all of his concerns can’t be put to rest with trust alone. Kanda is shivering against him already, and having to take off his shirt is next level of horrible.

He’s not quite sure whether Kanda’s rapid pulse is because of the sickness or the fact that he’s just very agitated, or maybe both, but trying to calm him down is doing absolutely nothing. Marie doesn’t know if Kanda is even registering anything that’s happening around him, except for the fact that he’s cold and miserable. 

What he does know is that Kanda would probably rather be wrapped in all the available jackets and blankets and lying down. That, however, isn’t going to happen, so Marie settles for trying to soothe away the worst of Kanda’s mental discomfort until Lavi arrives with the water. 

He’s been running his hands through Kanda’s messy hair for a few moments when he hears something in Kanda’s chest hitch, and his fellow pupil jerks away from him violently. At first it almost sounds like he can’t draw breath at all, but the coughing fit that follows is almost worse. 

If he couldn’t breathe at all, Marie could do something about it. Now, however, he can merely rub Kanda’s back behind his lungs and hope it helps, and make sure Kanda doesn’t fall over and to the floor. Kanda’s hands are grasping at whatever they can get a hold of until the other one finds Marie’s wrist and latches there. 

Marie both feels and hears the rattling from Kanda’s lungs, and it’s one of those moments when he’s glad he doesn’t have to see but also wishing he didn’t have to hear. 

Kanda’s fingers feel like ice against Marie’s wrist, which is disconcerting, as both his back and chest are far, far too warm. Marie doesn’t recall Kanda being sick ever before, just injured or exhausted, and he’s known his fellow pupil for nine years. Of course there have been months in between, missions with other people and assignments on the opposite sides of the world, but Kanda has always known of his injuries beforehand when they’ve met up again, without him telling him, so Marie finds it reasonable to assume that he would have been informed had Kanda ever been ill. He has long since stopped listening to stories of Kanda’s injuries, because Kanda tends to rely on his regenerative abilities and approximately every third story is got blasted through the chest or had his stomach blown up or something equally fatal for anyone who isn’t Kanda. 

Now, as Kanda is trembling in his arms, Marie finds it impossible to believe that something as fragile as this kid could ever survive anything like being clawed through. He knows Kanda is strong, it’s an undeniable fact, but right now he also seems very, very human. 

XxX

Kanda is shaking. 

Lavi nudges the door of the cabin open with his foot, both hands holding buckets of water and General Tiedoll right behind him with an armful of rags and towels. It comes as a surprise that both Kanda and Marie are on the floor, but the shaking is something Lavi has almost come to expect. It’s worse again, not as bad as it was earlier when he passed out but definitely more than shivering. There’s probably a word for that particular state, Lavi thinks, at least in some language he knows, but now is not the time to think about vocabulary. 

The sound that’s supposedly Kanda’s breathing is absolutely horrible. It’s wheezing and sounds like it’s going through a clogged filter. Kanda is on his knees, his weight supported by Marie and his back heaving, and his hair hangs around his face limply. Marie is also on his knees, both arms fully dedicated to preventing Kanda from toppling over and looking far more concerned than what Lavi would like to see. Kanda has a death grip on Marie’s arm – Lavi can see the muscles in his forearm straining from the strength of it, and it must hurt like hell for Marie. 

Lavi sets the buckets down and hopes the movement of the train won’t knock them over. Kanda’s face is just as pale as it has been for the entirety of the journey, washed of all color, but the delirious, vacant look is gone – he looks more like the Kanda Yuu Lavi knows with a frown on his face, even if it is pained. Lavi isn’t sure whether that’s a good sign or not, but it gives him some hope. Hell, maybe he’ll get a response at some point. 

Apparently General Tiedoll has similar ideas – he’s already at Kanda’s side when Lavi has just made sure that the buckets stay still. The General lifts a hand to Kanda’s cheek, touch tender and eyes soft, and Lavi feels more like an outsider than he usually does. Those three are a family (a family of four, they’re supposed to be, and Daisya’s absence is still a gaping wound in the space to Kanda’s right), and Lavi feels like he’s intruding on something private he shouldn’t even be seeing. 

Lavi settles himself carefully to Kanda’s left with a damp towel he drapes on Kanda’s shoulders. A shudder works itself up Kanda’s spine, and Lavi watches it travel through his shoulders to his fingertips that loosen a little around Marie’s wrist. It’s going to bruise, Lavi can see that, and Kanda is going to feel bad and guilty about it later and have no idea what to do about those feelings, and Lavi is going to have to try and talk him through that. Sure, it’s nice that Kanda is having normal human emotions these days, instead of just anger, annoyance and frustration, but it’s a work in progress. 

Kanda lets out a huff that could almost be a whimper, and tries to curl further up to himself and into Marie. It’s almost pitiful, almost, but mostly it’s as close to heartbreaking as Lavi is likely to ever find anything. 

That’s a thought he files neatly in a box that he tries to throw away but ends up not being able to. 

Together they gather Kanda from the floor and Marie settles them into the position they were in earlier, Kanda lying down with his head on Marie’s lap and still gripping Marie’s uniform – his hand has moved to clutch the fabric of Marie’s sleeve, but a deathgrip is a deathgrip. General Tiedoll carefully takes Kanda’s free hand and murmurs something Lavi deliberately doesn’t pay attention to. 

He steps out to find someone he can chew out for still not having that larger cabin. 

XxX

Once Kanda settles down and they manage to maneuver him into a position where his breathing doesn’t sound like he’s going to asphyxiate in the immediate future, General Tiedoll stands up from the floor he’s been crouching down to provide his young apprentice some comfort. He wets a rag, wrings it out and sets it on Kanda’s forehead, and Kanda’s breath pauses momentarily but doesn’t hitch. The rattle in his lungs is still there, but it sounds more contained and less likely to explode at any given moment; Marie resists the urge to sigh in relief. 

The General takes Kanda’s hand again, and starts to quietly talk about their last assignment. He omits everything worse than the run-of-the-mill destruction level ones cause, and instead talks about the children, the food, the generosity of the villagers, the birds that sang in the trees at the lake’s shoreline. He doesn’t mention the six-year-old girl who lost her leg and entire family in an Akuma attack, or the fourteen-year-old boy who died saving her – instead, he mentions the blind child who was elated to meet Marie. The teenager who sang her voice raw at the front of a half-destroyed town hall where the people gathered to draw strength from each other. The group of elderly ladies who put their ingredients together and spent two days cooking and baking so everyone had food. 

By the time Lavi comes back, Kanda’s breath has evened out as much as it’s likely to do right now, and he’s at least dozed off if not outright fallen asleep. There’s an aura of irritation around Lavi that tells Marie the train staff is still being difficult before he even opens his mouth. 

“Now they’re saying that if we still want to switch cabins we can, but there’s also barely an hour until we reach Calais,” Lavi says, one hand thoughtfully rubbing at his neck. “What do you think, is it worth to move him?” 

Marie considers this for a moment, brushing his fingers through Kanda’s tangled hair. “I don’t think so, no,” he replies after a brief pause. 

“He finally calmed down, so moving him now would only make it worse,” General Tiedoll continues for him. Marie nods in agreement. 

Lavi sighs heavily, but the near-palpable aura around him dissipates somewhat. 

XxX

For the first time in hours, Kanda isn’t shaking. There’s an occasional frown that passes on his still-far-too-pale face, and Lavi doesn’t know if it’s just general discomfort or nightmares, but all in all he looks much better now. 

Now don’t get him wrong, Kanda still looks absolutely miserable, but he’s no longer shaking uncontrollably, and he looks like he’s actually asleep rather than unconscious. Lavi considers this a victory. 

He’s still feverish, but it’s not spiking anymore, so as they steadily approach the final stop they start dressing Kanda back up. Kanda is semi-awake for it and actually tries to help in the process, but he seems spent and exhausted. He keeps tugging at his loose hair like it’s distracting him, so after a while Lavi switches places with Marie so he can sit next to Kanda instead. 

“Yuu, I’m going to tie your hair up, yeah? That okay with you?” Lavi asks even though he so often doesn’t, usually just going for it while Kanda sleeps. Kanda considers this for a moment, before slowly nodding and turning so his back is fully facing Lavi and he can lean his head on the wall to their right. His breath has picked up pace again now that he’s sitting up, so Lavi does quick work with the loose braid starting at the base of Kanda’s neck. 

It’s not the most beautiful braid he’s ever done, but it effectively stops Kanda’s hair from tangling up further and getting in the way of everything. He ties it up just as the announcement that they’ll be arriving shortly sounds, and Kanda immediately perks up. Lavi lets go of his hair as Kanda reaches for his uniform jacket. 

“When’s the next ferry leaving?” Kanda asks, tugging his jacket on. His voice is hoarse, barely there, and he sways as he stands up. Lavi could swear he goes another shade whiter. 

“We’ll be staying the night,” Marie answers before Lavi can. Kanda frowns. 

“Why?” he demands, trying for a menacing glare. In any other circumstances Lavi would be comparing him to a wet cat right now, because this could be incredibly funny, but Kanda’s hands are shaking as he tries to button up his jacket. 

The train lurches and Kanda’s knees buckle. 

Lavi reaches for him and yanks him back on the seat before he can go down, and then gets to hold him up as Kanda almost slides down anyway. His breathing is back to sounding like a nightmare. Lavi raises a hand to Kanda’s face to find it clammy with cold sweat, and softly swears to himself. 

“Yuu,” he starts firmly. Kanda doesn’t react at all. “Yuu, do not pass out on me now. You hear me?” He taps at Kanda’s cheek lightly, and watches as he swallows convulsively through the ragged breathing. “Yuu, eyes on me. Nothing else matters. Look at me.” 

From the corner of his eye he notices General Tiedoll approaching them, but he quickly settles back when Lavi quickly shakes his head at him. He can understand the General wanting to do something, but Kanda needs one thing to focus on right now and it’ll be easier if it’s Lavi. Kanda’s gaze looks hazy and Lavi is genuinely concerned he might pass out. It’s vaguely terrifying. He squashes that feeling down. 

It takes a lot of prodding until Kanda’s eyes finally zero in on him. He still looks dizzy, but focus is good. Focus means Lavi can talk to him. 

“Good, that’s good. Just keep looking at me, okay.” He decides to risk angering Kanda again, because really, he has to. “You really wanna cross the Channel like this, Yuu?” He expects a sudden reaction, anger, but all he gets is Kanda closing his eyes and clicking his tongue in a display of annoyance. Thought so. 

Kanda tries to walk out once the train stops, he really does. It’s kind of sad to watch. He keeps glaring at Lavi and Marie and the General in that miserable wet cat kind of way until he finally gives in to either his own body or General Tiedoll who keeps insisting he let Marie carry him. 

There’s a nice little inn almost right next to the station that they decide suits their needs. Lavi stays at the station to make a call to Komui while the others go ahead.

Komui is, unsurprisingly, not pleased to hear what he has to say, but as expected he’s more worried about Kanda than he is about the Order’s budget. He briefly questions Lavi about the mission he and Kanda were on for the past week, but he’s really more interested in Lavi’s observations about Kanda’s abilities than anything else about it. 

Well, that and Kanda’s general wellbeing. 

They keep the call short, because Lavi can hear Reever crying in the background and while Komui has no interest in paperwork, he does want Lavi to check on Kanda as soon as possible. 

The young lady clearing tables at the inn instructs him to the rooms General Tiedoll reserved for them. Two rooms; though all of them want to stay with Kanda, the rooms aren’t large enough for four people, so the general consensus ends up being that as the person with the most amount of medical knowledge despite being Kanda’s least favorite person of the group, Lavi will be rooming with him. 

Kanda is already asleep, barely out of his jacket and boots and once again curled around Mugen. Lavi sets his travel bag on the bed and sits down next to it. Kanda looks almost peaceful, now. He hasn’t taken out the braid, Lavi notes with a light air of satisfaction.

It’s still only late afternoon and the window is letting in a nice amount of light, so he takes out his writing equipment and starts chronicling. 

[seddm]

One week later

I think that this time, despite the magnitude of what happened in the show, managed to have a mostly non-kneejerk reaction to it, but a week (and a looot of thinking) later, I think I got a better understanding about how and why I feel about this episode, S4 so far, and the show’s future as a whole. Going to make this a bullet-point style list because making a single conversation about all of this would be either too long, or end up feeling disconnected at times anyway. Bad things first, then the good ones to close on a positive note, for a change.

THE BAD

- The thing I always loved the most about this show has been its ability to use individual events and interactions between the characters in almost any given segments, even ones more fillery in nature, as a way to slowly advance the growth of the characters from a pre-established Big Event™ to the next one. This always gave the show an aura of strong continuity despite its storyboard driven and episodic nature, and allowed me to claim that even events clearly facilitated by some sort of plot based compulsion (such as the Truth Cube in Sleepover, or the photo booth in Booth Buddies) were still largely natural, just more flashy ways to push the characters in directions they were already taking.

The first episodes of S4, up to Curse of the Blood Moon, didn’t really do this. They felt heavily more compartmentalized than the usual: S3 ended in an explosive way that seemingly set up all the characters for immediate changes or payoff, but then this current season kinda ignored that. Not completely, because both Moon Remembers and Ransomgram has Marco tell Star things like “rip the bandaid off” and “own up to your mistakes”, which could be clearly applied to the “Tell Tom about the kiss” situation (never mind that she didn’t do that, it was still relevant and her going the wrong way about it was part of the point), but between an increased focus on plot and plot exclusively, and a two parter season premiere that chose to focus exclusively on finding Moon (reasonable decision, really, but it ended up making 40 minutes of show feel a bit empty on the emotions side, in my very subjective opinion), Curse of the Blood Moon seemed to happen a bit out of the blue, especially considering that Star and Marco’s feelings were apparently so strong and so intrusive to justify even Tom being able to see them in the former case, and Eclipsa’s comfort and counseling having been needed multiple times offscreen in the latter. Things that we didn’t see at all in the first 7 episodes, with the exception of Star never reacting to Tom telling her that he knew the kiss with Marco didn’t really mean anything. It’s not a necessarily tragic scenario, especially if the show purposefully wanted to wait for Curse to kick start a new chapter in the shipping of the show, but this bridging between seasons taking one third of the last one felt a bit excessive and largely devoid of sufficient build up to me.

- Kelly / Kellco. Anyone who’s familiar with my blog should know that I always struggle to never insult ships, characters or elements from the show that other people might like. And even now I don’t want to cheapen the value of personal preferences at all, nor tell anyone “No, you can’t ship this!”. But at the same time I have to say that, in the context of the show, these new Kellco developments look (ready to eat back my words in the future, as usual) extremely pointless, and handled badly. Kelly feelings something for Marco, kinda unilaterally liking him, that’s something the fandom has been speculating ever since Lava Lake Beach. They shared an emotional moment over heart break, and then clearly developed a friendship from there, and hanged out more. Kelly’s lines in The Ponyhead Show then confirmed without doubt that she felt something from Marco, but that he seemed to be largely unaware and oblivious about it. Just like you’d expect Marco to be, especially a Marco who spent the previous season focusing on how strong and intrusive his feelings for Star were.

At this point essentially everyone, me included, expected for Kelly’s World to be used as a way to bring up Marco’s unrequited (as far as he knew) feelings once again, to introduce Curse of the Blood Moon. I expected Marco to either go something like “Sorry Kelly but I’m not ready to give up on my feelings for Star” or, at worst, a frustrated Marco who’d have thought and reflected about Kelly’s feelings for him. Instead, out of the extreme blue, we got a Marco who was uncharacteristically all too aware of the situation, going “I don't want these feelings for Star they're getting in the way of other feelings" while being all blushy and then being more than receptive to Kelly’s emotionally confused flirting. Now, if this was reality, there would be absolutely nothing weird in a kid like Marco being dual in his feelings, really liking Star while also being tired about all the pain those feelings have been bringing him for the better part of a year and being receptive to another girl being ready to jump his bones. But this is not reality, and these events absolutely lacked any form of proper build up, they were (wow, I can finally use the word Starco haters have been throwing around for years!) forced. Not entirely, but for a great deal. Jarco had Sleepover and Naysaya providing a strong buildup to the ship revolving around Marco overcoming some personal hurdles; even Tomstar didn’t immediately go for the ship after the well-timed dance in Club Snubbed, but first had Demoncism, giving some sort of basis to the exes getting back together, and Tom and Star had a pre-established relationship and we both knew that Tom still wanted Star, and that Star still had hung up feelings for Tom, if just physical attractions ones (from her behavior in Blood Moon Ball and Mr. Candle Cares, very spread out over the show, I admit). Meanwhile Kellco went from “ok they shared an important moment one season ago and Janna teased Kelly in a holiday special episode but after that their interactions have been nothing but background ones” to “Marco and Kelly lose track of time reading about fighting on a bench, then as the warm hues of the sunset wash over them they fight hand in hand, as one body and one spirit, and the fireworks and music happen and there’s more blushing in a single scene that there has been in the whole show and in all the kisses in it so far”. That’s... very, very, very heavy handed. Very “manipulative”. Especially since Kelly and Marco aren’t even properly together yet I guess, since Marco might have gotten over his feelings for Star (hahaha yeah as if), but as far as we know Kelly still isn’t completely over Tad. So where is this relationship going to go from now? Why does it exist? In what ways it doesn’t shit on what Jarco already taught Marco? How is it going to “end” once Marco inevitably realizes he still feels thing for Star without making Kelly look like a throwaway rag? Obviously I don’t have the arrogance to assume I know how things are going to play out from here on, so who knows, maybe Kellco is going to be part of an important arc, but from where I’m standing, from what I know now, it’s hard not to see it as a hamfisted attempt at going “Haaaa these confused teens, it’s only fair that they get their share of experiences!”. Which is ok, sure, fine, but FICTION ≠ REALITY and things need some kind of build up and reason to happen. If it’s just supposed to be padding to keep the situation in a status quo for a while, “Marco is with Kelly and Tom is with Star and everything is right in the world and they don’t have to think about their feelings anymore” then... bleah.

- This is tangentially connected to both the previous points, and it’s not really THAT bad, just me being a bit nitpicky about a still legitimate direction the show decided to take: by having this constant comparison between THE OTHER SHIPS and STARCO, now stronger than ever after Curse, the former being very casual but also ultimately unrewarding, “we hold hands we blush a little and we are ready to kiss and be a couple”, while the latter being “dozens of life changing events are needed to progress the ship even by little; NOTHING BUT PAIN can ever come out of Starco for the people involved until it’s officially recognized as being completely and utterly full, pure, complete, mature and life lasting love”, can kinda give a wrong message about relationships and teen love, or an annoying one at least. “Hey kids, don't try to actually have fun or be happy with romance, because that's not how True Love™ works. If you actually find it kind of easy to be happy with your significant other, that isn't love!" [quote by @ngame989]. Obviously I’m using a hyperbole for the sake of clarity, and it’s clear that Star and Marco’s relationship is based on finding it easy to have fun together, always. But if we talk strictly about romance and the way the show approaches to it, it’s kinda undeniable that Starco has been nothing but a source of sadness so far, and the only genuine moment of happiness, this one, lasted about three seconds and overlapped with a realization of True Love.

By now I have fully accepted that the show is not going for an early Starco relationship to then show it growing and changing as the two make the first steps together, but that they’re waiting for a “ok we’re both completely sure this is what we want”, and it’s a completely fair direction for the show to take, but it also contributes to this “fetishization” of true love. Still, execution matters way more than the larger brush strokes in this case, so we’ll see.

- The timing. I’m going to talk about why this incoming arc can actually be a very good thing in a moment, but at the same time introducing the idea that the Blood Moon might have forced feelings now, 30% through the last season, when absolutely nothing before that ever referenced of foreshadowed it, and with essentially no references to the Ball throughout the show (last direct one was in Naysaya and it was Tom throwing shade at Marco...), feels kinda jarring to me.

- This is a bit more of a personal note, but not entirely: Star and Marco enter a dance in their memories with the specific goal of “destroying their feelings”. One minute into spending time together having fun without any kind of distraction for the first time in forever, they literally fall in love. Not crush, love. The whole setup of the Severing Stone’s function literally confirms that. What kind of tension can Kellco and Tomstar deliver now that we know that Star and Marco can and will fall in love with each other if given a moment to truly think about nothing but each other and themselves? The endgame was kinda clear before as well, but now it has officially ruined any chance at making other ships feel worthwhile - beyond their value for the growth of the characters involved, obviously. I mean their intrinsic value as a ship / source of romantic drama.

THE GOOD

- Even if I’m not a fan of the timing, I can see a lot of potential in an arc revolving around the question “Are these feelings genuine? Is Marco/Star the person I truly love and want to be with?”. Now, obviously we know that the feeling were genuine and that the Curse didn’t force anything, so it’s not really the answer to the question that matters. What’s important is how they’re going to get to that: by having Star and Marco more or less directly tackle this question in a context where there is apparently no sadness and pain brought from unwanted feelings, some positivity can FINALLY be associated with Starco as a romantic relationship. Obviously we don’t know how things are going to play out now, but if both dorks are now convinced that they are only friends (something that didn’t happen at the same time since early S2) they can enjoy their relationship to its absolute fullest, and see along the way, together this time, that they both want more. I don’t know if one or both of them lied about not having feelings anymore, or if it’s placebo effect, or if the Severing Stone has some lingering after effects. What I know is that these two now feel like they can be completely comfortable around each other once again, while still having all the feelings of friendship that were the base for the romance once already,

and that the last time they had a moment to truly be together with each other and enjoy their feelings to their fullest, they fell in love, like love for real, certified by the Severing Stone taking that moment away as a price.

So yes, we all know the answer to this question already (articulated a bit better by the show’s composer in this post),

- Curse of the Blood Moon as an episode itself is far from being without merits: it opens with a wonderful display of one of the many sides that make Star and Marco’s relationship so adorable, with the duo having a secret cereal date at night without waking up Meteora; shows how in sync and how well they understand each other (yes, this was a set up for the scene but you can’t tell me it’s the curse’s fault, that’s bullshit); it literally had Marco tell us that he likes every single thing about Star and her personality (again, not the curse’s fault. That’s bullshit.), and the dance itself was utterly perfect and pristine and had Starco fun, Starco flirting, and Starco love all happening the moment they could focus on each other and forget about the rest.  Also, while I’m not necessarily the biggest fan of Tom having achieved “good boy status” simply by getting slightly better with each episode instead of taking some affirmative action on the nature of his relationship with Star, I don’t mind seeing him helping his friends, at all. Sure, this can contributed to making him feel more “pathetic”, with scenes like the spat on the elevator apparently underlying a lack of compatibility between him and Star compared to her and Marco, as many other scenes before, and that’s the part I don’t particularly enjoy, but the overall journey he went through, that’s good. It should have featured more defining moments of change in my opinion, rather than a simple “little by little always better and gets points for trying”, but it’s still vastly preferable to a world where we can’t get some Tomco bromance moments, and this kind of relaxed situation, as infuriating as it can be at times, could potentially contribute to what I said in the first point, give Star and Marco the chance to understand what they feel for the other in a completely or almost completely positive way.

- This is connected to the first point and not necessarily an objectively good one on its own, more like something that further contributes to feeling like there’s potential for things to develop nicely from her on: the brunt of the romance in Starco fell on Marco for most of S3, at this point Star was less of an active player than him when it came to liking each other. But Star is the Main Main Character, we can’t have that happen. With this new turn of events, with things being “reset” into New Game +, the spotlight moves once again on Star and this time we can finally have the Main Main Character answer the question “do we love each other?”. Obviously Marco is surely going to have a role as well, he’s still a protagonist, but it’s Star’s story before anything else, and this “Free Will and Choices” arc can easily tie Eclipsa / ruling Mewni to Love, and strongly relate to the blonde (ex) princess.

- On the same note of “elements that makes one hopeful about the show’s potential but still don’t really confirm anything about what’s going to happen”, we have this quote from one of Adam’s interviews:

Adam describes Star as someone who is “all over the place” in terms of life as compared to Marco who unlike Star has yet to outwardly reveal his feelings. “But, she’s one of those people who so much stuff is going on for that she doesn’t necessarily, in my opinion, she doesn’t really have time for a romantic relationship. She’s too busy. She’s got a lot of things going on her plate,” he explains. “But, she’s one of those people who, in my opinion–I’m not saying this happens, I’m just saying this is why I like them–I feel like she’s going to be one of those people who is gonna stop one day and have a second to breathe and then dust is gonna settle and she’s gonna look and see through all the settling dust and fog that someone has been there with her the entire time and she’s gonna see Marco,”

and while there’s absolutely no way to confirm this, especially since everything Adam says is always nebulous PR talk that has to be taken with eighty grains of salt, looking at list of episode post-mid season finale suggests that this “dust settling down” might happen sooner than later, the second half(ish) of the season having way more episodes with titles suggesting either Earth things, or a generic downtime for the teens to focus a bit more on their own lives, and a little less of Eclipsa. Obviously there’s still necessarily going to be plot happening, but I can also see how they could be going (strong emphasis on the could) for a journey that allows Starco to finally happen in the series finale in an explosive way, with both Star and Marco being utterly sure that this is what they truly want, and that they love each other, not just like or crush.

Cornonation Doop-Doop / Britta’s Tacos Beach Day / Gone Baby Gone Sad Teen Hotline /  Jannanigans Mama Star /  Ready, Aim, Fire The Right Way /  Here to Help Pizza Party /  The Tavern at the End of the Multiverse Cleaved 

To conclude and sum up, my greatest issues so far are with the way S4 handled romance and relationships in its first 7 episodes, rather than with the new arc Curse of the Blood Moon apparently set out, or with the idea that the show is almost certainly going for series finale Starco (still kinda hoping for just a little something before that though, with the finale being the true celebration of what they have). It’s not the show I’d have liked the most, but it’s still one that has all the potential, so far, to honor the kind of build up Starco had, and the amazing characters Star and Marco are. But this first third personally disappointed me in a number of ways, and it kinda hinders my ability to fully trust this potential to actually become the reality of a good execution. But “hinders” doesn’t mean I completely lost any hope, and there are certainly dozens of ways to properly pull this off. We’ll see.

[subserviiient]

Snake, pls consider writing the following: Yusaku or Takeru/Anzu

Anything for you, Turt. Why did I do this it’s cursed and came out terrible i’m so sorry,

“You should rest.” She states casually, walking over to Yusaku as he typed away at something she couldn’t understand and didn’t want to ask about- she, obviously, didn’t know what he was doing in Vrains- he never told her about what his codes were for, she simply accepted it as a healthy interest. A distraction. Something he needed, although he went a little far with it sometimes. He needed something as a support beacon and she doubts she could play the role for him.

“You should too, Anzu.” He’s just as blunt as she is and it makes her shrug noncommitally. Whenever they had this interaction it was simply the pot calling the kettle black, so they never lingered long on the topic, merely batting each other with the facts they presented before stopping the conversation entirely. Yusaku slept better in the company of someone he trusted, but Anzu knew he’d still have night terrors regardless of the company, and Anzu couldn’t say her nightmares were as terrible as what he went through, but she avoided sleeping regardless.

“Are you hungry? I doubt either of us will be sleeping anytime soon, knowing us,” Yusaku lived off coffee and hot dogs, a mix that surely would make him sick at some point- it was better than not eating at all, but she couldn’t help but worry, shooting him a firm look as she continued. She wasn’t sure why she couldn’t just pull the girlfriend title out to take him on a date to McDonalds to insure he’d eat, but the idea of a date made things feel too real and she’s not sure what to do about that can of worms. “No hot dogs this time. I can’t cook em as well as the boss man anyways.”

Yusaku was about to comment something witty as per usual, answer resting on the tip of his tongue, but he blinked at the way she said boss man- it was a surprise as she wasn’t working at the hot dog truck constantly, with her producer work and her ‘sneak’ Vrains duels, that she didn’t know he knew about. She wasn’t too well known and duelled for fun, so there was no need to drag her into his mess, not that he looked into her too closely, despite what Ai would say. “Since when has Kusanagi-san been boss man?” He asks, looking over his shoulder as she goes to his kitchen- her lips pressed in a firm line at the lack of substance in his apartment. He didn’t even have ramen.

“I work part time there when I have the time, remember?” Finally, she found something of value and grins, pulling out the pasta and tomato paste, she’d work with what she had, she just had to make sure he wasn’t sick from eating too many hotdogs, she knew you could get sick from eating the same thing every day from experience. “You know, it’s a bit weird calling him boss man, but it’s the only thing I can think of that shows I respect him, and like, you know- I’m happy he’s willing to have me around.”

The self deprication didn’t pass him by and he wanted to make a comment on it, but he knew better than most that no matter how many people assured her of her worth, that she’d never see it herself, so he didn’t. “Extra workers are appreciated, but I don’t think he’d like the title.” It’s the most he could supply- telling her she was useful, because that’s all that she thought mattered. Part of him wondered if that’s why he had allowed her to get so close, because while she cared for him, she wanted to be used in order to feel complete and he really needed someone to keep attention off him.

And she needed the same. The trust came after, slowly as a result of them having to spend time together in order to convince everyone that they were together. They were friends, despite the titles and that’s perhaps why he wanted to keep her at a safe distance, despite the smug look the others would cast him when he brought her up, even if it was just to state that she would be too overloaded with work to work at the hot dog truck that day. It bugged him. He kept just enough distance from her to keep her out of trouble, and everyone acted as though they were star crossed lovers with a Bonnie and Clyde streak thrown in.

“Thrown for a loop?” it’s a quiet question, as she noted the lack of background noise. His typing was too fast to not hear, so not having it there meant he was thinking, but Yusaku shrugged, and began typing once more. He didn’t really share his thoughts with her often, so she didn’t expect him to speak once more.

“Not really. I’ve been thinking about-” His face scrunched up, unsure how to phrase it, before he continued, despite knowing how cliche it sounded and how aware he was of Ai and Roboppi listening in, they always were when Anzu came over, Ai hiding away in his room, while Roboppi lingered in the living room- Ai said that watching the two of them trying to get over their emotional constipation was more engaging than any drama, even if it was downright sad at times. He didn’t think she felt that way about him, not with her options being so open, and him being so boring in comparison. “Whatever we can call this. Us. I don’t really know what we are anymore and-”

“And you don’t want to progress further, right?” Her tone is gentle and she keeps her eyes firmly locked to the boiling pasta, for so long she’s been trying to ignore these bothersome feelings for Yusaku stemming up in her chest like a weed, and no amount of attempts to yank it out, soak it in weed killer or setting it on fire seemed to effect them. She liked him. She didn’t like that she did. “...Or is there something else?” internally she hoped he would say he didn’t love her, that he wanted to stay friends, in hopes that hearing her own thoughts coming from him will make them go away.

Instead he could barely choke out the words he tried too hard to say. “I don’t know. I...don’t know what I want.” Part of him wanted to get together with her, so they could be official, so they could work together- not to rid them of their trauma. They couldn’t get over their trauma, it’d be a part of them forever and he’s sure she’d be just as offended as him if someone suggested it, but- to make things more bareable, but he also wanted to distance her- keep her safe and away from him, while sheilding himself from his feelings.

Anzu took the wooden spoon from the pot, looking down at the pot and sighing, her voice quiet and expressionless as she states. “I don’t know what I want either, Yusaku.” And thus nothing was sorted that night either, like the many nights before, outside of his dinner and their sleep schedule, for once. The isolation would only make them feel worse, so they didn’t break up but they couldn’t become a real couple either, as neither of them wanted to acknowledge it, outwardly.

[kakuzhu]

so, canonically, kakuzu had four partners preceding hidan during his time in the akatsuki, and he killed all of them. the anime/video game (I don’t know which anymore) showed one of kakuzu’s partners before he’s killed by a pretty purposeful looking blast from kakuzu. I have no idea which partner this was and I’m too lazy to figure it out even though the information is out there, because I’m making up my own order of how kakuzu killed his partners. while I actually think the idea of kakuzu blasting his partner just to be a jerk is hilarious and I’m going to take inspiration from that, it’ll be for his third partner in my canon. whether or not this aligns with the anime interpretation is of no consequence to me. similarly, the anime implied kakuzu’s main motivation for killing his partners was to take their hearts. while I am choosing to use this as a reason for one of his partners, I am not going to follow this for all of them, as I dislike the implication kakuzu was not already prepared with 4 extra powerful hearts already, nor do I think he would’ve been that interested in all of their hearts. 

I totally ignore the video games’ akatsuki recruitment plots, with the exception that kakuzu was one of the earliest recruits, because the timeline was just weird for it. it was definitely a fun sequence to watch though. 

I have no idea when hidan was recruited into the akatsuki, and basically all we know about it is that hidan was the most recent recruit before tobi. I make the (huge) assumption, therefore, that hidan was recruited anywhere between the latter half of the blank period to shortly before or very early on in part II. I say this is a huge assumption because, of course, this may not line up to other hidan players’ timelines, as well as the fact that this assumption is what I built the timelines of all the other partners around. obviously, I am happy to discuss more specific timelines should I write opposite hidans should it be relevant (or if you’re bored and wanna talk about how fucked the timeline is), but for the purposes of my canon, this is the assumption I am rolling with. 

kakuzu had partners one through three during the first half of the naruto timeline and further back, to the near-inception of the akatsuki. I headcanon kakuzu was one of the first members of nagato’s akatsuki, which in turn was created sometime after the third world war. the third world war is stated to have happened 10 years before the start of the naruto series (from what I’ve read, anyway), which means that, at maximum, each partner lasted an average of about 3 years each before kakuzu killed them. of course, less irritating partners were killed after a longer period of time, while more irritating ones were killed more quickly. in addition, depending on when the akatsuki was actually formed and when kakuzu was recruited in relation to that, the average would, obviously, lower. 

kakuzu’s fourth partner was assigned to him through the entirety or most of the blank period, which itself spanned 2.5 years and would be the maximum amount of time kakuzu spent with this partner. this would, of course, be cut short depending on when hidan was recruited.

actual brief descriptions of each partnership and their manner of death are below the cut. 

partner one: like all akatsuki members, kakuzu was not particularly enthused to be assigned a partner. notably, kakuzu was extremely vocal about wanting to operate alone, and was noticeably frustrated when pain did not acquiesce. therefore, kakuzu’s first partner had the serious misfortune of being assigned to an already pissed kakuzu. to further exacerbate matters, kakuzu had not worked with anyone else for decades prior to this, and he also considered his partner incredibly weak, so he was already not going to play nice in the first place. of course, believing his partner that weak was probably neither a fair nor accurate assessment---all akatsuki are strong, and kakuzu was probably too angry to give a reasonable evaluation.  regardless, because kakuzu was all too aware that pain could kill him without much trouble, kakuzu forced himself to put up with his first partner. kakuzu vehemently complained that his partner, however, was far too slow and dragged their progress too much, that kakuzu had to cover for him far too often, and was more or less a liability. kakuzu complained about his first partner to pain and to his partner himself, as well as disparaged him and undermined him at every opportunity during akatsuki meetings.  as one would expect, this began to wear and grate on kakuzu’s partner. while he started out the partnership as polite as can be expected, hoping to make the best of it, he quickly began barking back at kakuzu and often challenged his every move. kakuzu actually hurt his partner multiple times during their time together as well, which did not improve their relationship. whether or not this was purposeful remains to be seen---kakuzu has never specified either way---but most likely, while there were plenty of accidental incidents, the majority of them were totally on purpose.  that said, kakuzu never actually laid a hand on his partner physically. they fought a lot, and at times they sabotaged each other in battle in hopes to get rid of the other, but there were no explicit attempts at harming each other otherwise.  essentially, the only thing that stopped kakuzu from blatantly striking his partner down was the fear that pain would kill him in retaliation. thus, kakuzu suffered through his first partner for about 3.5 years. eventually, however, kakuzu’s impatience and rage overtook his self-preservation instinct; kakuzu brutally murdered his partner using his threads and made sure to make it painful. 

partner two: following his murder of his first partner, kakuzu was ready to run for his life, perhaps disappear for a few years until the akatsuki as an organization blew over. of course, before he could do that, zetsu tracked him down and, in combination with pain’s telepathy, informed him there will now be a meeting. upon joining this holographic meeting, pain confirmed with kakuzu that he had killed his partner, and then proceeded to go on a long-winded lecture on akatsuki guidelines and expectations, essentially telling kakuzu off in front of the rest of the akatsuki.  and the end of it, however, it was clear kakuzu was not going to be killed---but kakuzu still took this as a firm warning. he assumed there would be no other chances, and begrudgingly resolved himself to keep his second partner alive.  luckily, his second partner was much easier to get along with than his first. she was direct and practical and rarely complained. while she was not particularly prodigious, kakuzu could not explicitly complain about her skill, as she was better than his last, and she did not seem to mind the extra work of hunting bounties or additional mercenary work. they also traveled mostly in silence; they knew almost nothing about each other than their fighting skills, which was to both of their preferences. they really only spoke when in reference to business or to battle strategy---and kakuzu also had to admit her strategies tended to be sound. jobs were done with clearly laid out plans. kakuzu’s partnership here was likely the most efficient and amicable out of all of them---for as amicable as kakuzu could be. regardless, despite his general distaste for partners and working with others, kakuzu had to admit the arrangement with her was tolerable. he figured, ultimately, this was a small blessing; it would be easier to stay in pain’s better graces.  thus, as it happened, her murder, while by kakuzu’s hands, was more or less an accident due to unpreparedness on both their parts. the pair of them worked together successfully for over 4 years. however, during a commission they took, they were overpowered, and kakuzu was cornered, and his partner was captured by the enemy. understanding that they were partners, the enemy ninjas threatened to kill her if kakuzu did not surrender.  of course, kakuzu held little sentimental value to her, although he did think it would be a shame to lose such a partner. as it was, having been surrounded and with his back against the wall, kakuzu launched an array of indiscriminate, violent attacks against this small army using his mask jutsus. there were no survivors---including, of course, his partner. while, again kakuzu thought this was inconvenient to lose such a tolerable partner, he also reflected that, if she was so weak as to be caught like this and be put in a compromising position, then death was the least of things she deserved. uselessness never did sit right with kakuzu. 

partner three: as with his first partner, kakuzu was told off for killing his second partner, but was not killed. however, pain did observe that, if kakuzu tried, he certainly could have saved his second partner and both of them could have escaped with their lives. kakuzu only shrugged to this; he didn’t care about her, nor did he much care that the akatsuki would have to spend resources finding a new partner, nor did he really respect any of the burdens that came onto the akatsuki due to his own impatience.  this apparent lack of appreciation for their troubles prompted pain to drop kakuzu with other random pairs of akatsuki during the search for his third partner. now, instead of having to deal with one person, kakuzu had to deal with two, and there would always be at least one that would be mocking kakuzu about his public scolding from pain at some point or another. because it was often two against one as well, kakuzu could not as easily pursue bounties. this was clear punishment, and kakuzu did not appreciate being treated as a child by a boy decades younger than him---threat of death and the fact that he had little room to talk besides.  ultimately, kakuzu was assigned a third partner, although this time, zetsu regularly checked in to ensure he was still alive. kakuzu was now pissed---not explicitly because his partner was unskilled or weak, which were not true, but because he was being monitored wherever he went. he assumed that his role in money matters was about the only reason he had not been kicked out of the akatsuki yet (if not killed), which meant that he had some modicum of importance in the organization. if this was true, then he certainly did not enjoy being babysat. kakuzu tried to negotiate (i.e. demand) zetsu stop being sent after him to ensure he was not murdering his partner, but this was to no avail.  kakuzu tolerated this for the shortest out of all his partnerships during this ten year period. kakuzu, frustrated and petulant, killed his partner with a blast from his masks during a skirmish after less than 2 years. while it was obviously on purpose, kakuzu only said that perhaps his partner was too slow and did not explicitly claim responsibility. he was incredibly flippant about the entire ordeal, and was not interested in answering for it in any fashion. this kill was obviously a challenge and pushed kakuzu’s boundaries with the akatsuki. when kakuzu was once again not killed from losing this partner, he essentially lost almost all respect for akatsuki policy and began operating more as he pleased, although he did stay within akatsuki regulations and continued to bring in money for them, which was likely one of the only reasons he was able to maintain his position. 

partner four: kakuzu’s fourth partner was the strongest out of all his partners to date, and most likely was an attempt from pain to supply kakuzu with such an overpowering partner that kakuzu could not easily kill him. kakuzu, recognizing pain’s irritation with kakuzu, simply took this as a challenge. and, unfortunately, his partner’s strength also served to interest kakuzu for his heart, which meant kakuzu even had a sort of reward at the end of it if he figured out an expedient way to do away with his fourth partner.  in the meantime, this was around the time kakuzu became somewhat more lazy about fighting. while he still valued money and strong opponents, for those he deemed weak or not worth his trouble, he typically ordered or allowed his partner take them. if pain wasn’t going to kick him out for killing three partners, then kakuzu would not going to go to the trouble of trying to fight weaklings for paltry pay. pain could do with that as he willed.  this fourth partnership was very uneasy. pain made it clear to kakuzu’s fourth partner that kakuzu killed his previous three partners, and that he should be on his guard---but, of course, he was certain he was strong enough to handle kakuzu. kakuzu’s partner, of course, was confident that he could, because all strong rogues always so confident in their own skills regardless of what they do or don’t know about their opponents. their day-to-day was frigid at best, with kakuzu usually electing to stay silent save for grunting orders and his partner acquiescing often enough but making it clear that he was ready to fight at any point. it was a tenuous partnership to be sure, and neither of them really trusted going into battles together in any capacity.  eventually, kakuzu killed his fourth partner as well and, as originally intended, took his heart. while it was a tough fight to be sure, his partner did not fully appreciate the strength of kakuzu’s threads, which was ultimately his downfall. kakuzu successfully harvested his heart, then proceeded to report to the akatsuki himself that he had killed his most recent partner. he even implied pain should supply him a stronger partner so kakuzu could have another free heart---or, perhaps, to save resources, just let him work alone. 

of course, we all know that didn’t work out. eventually, pain assigned kakuzu an immortal in hidan, successfully giving him a partner that would stick. this, in combination with their opposing personalities, is likely why kakuzu is so disparaging to hidan at all times---because he’s pissed he lost the war of attrition---but, ultimately, the pair of them worked well together in combat, so apparently there was something decent that came out of it.

[beccaland]

Beccaland reads and responds to an article about Doctor Who that she really should have known better than to have read in the first place

You know how you KNOW you should never read the comments sections, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself? That’s usually how I feel about reading articles about Doctor Who during the past few years, except from a handful of trusted sources. Yet there I was this morning, checking my regular email from Tor.com, and out of a slightly-morbid curiosity, I found myself reading “How It Feels to Want to Watch Doctor Who Again” by Alex Brown.

Partly, I really am interested in the fans who are getting interested in Doctor Who again. They left for a lot of reasons, and really you can’t begrudge anyone’s waning interest in a TV show. And it would be far, far more silly to begrudge them regaining interest! I’m excited for the awesome changes that are coming on October 7th, too. And I am fully aware that not every era is every fan’s cup of tea. On the other hand, I also know that I’m frequently irritated by the shallow criticism levelled in order to “justify” some fans’ disaffection. So there I was. Reading an article I knew very well was probably going to annoy me, like a masochist.

And just because I feel like it, I’m going to quote a bunch of it and offer my own commentary. I’m going to be as fair as I can, noting where I think a given critique is valid, where I think it’s valid but still disagree, and where I think it’s the same old tired, inaccurate nonsense.

Here we go:

“I miss Doctor Who.”

ME TOO!

“There was a time when I watched it fervently, reverently, passionately. It was something I put on when I was stressed or overwhelmed or needed to be reminded of the good things in life. The relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was powerful and affirming.”

Yeah, I do that too, but I never really stopped.

“Until suddenly it wasn’t.”

I mean, sure. Doctor Who did something on a purely personal and emotional level for the author, and then it stopped. That’s totally fair.

This actually happened to me with the novels in the ‘90s–they just weren’t doing enough for me imaginatively or emotionally anymore to justify the challenge of finding them and the expense of buying them. It happens. (I still wanted Doctor Who in my life though, so I rewatched my VHS tapes instead, until they had degraded in quality to the point where that wasn’t very fun either.)

“The show twisted into something unrecognizable and unpleasant. And so I abandoned Doctor Who just as it had abandoned me.”

The really negatively loaded language here bugs me a lot, but this article is a personal fan narrative more than it is a review, and it’s impossible to refute a subjective response. Clearly, it’s true that Alex Brown and the show were no longer on the same wavelength. So, fair enough.

“If you asked me in 2016 if I would ever watch Doctor Who again, I probably would’ve shaken my head and sighed. The chances of the show making the kind of changes necessary to pull me back seemed slim to none. But here we are, fall 2018, and I am so excited about the Season 11 premiere that I can barely stand it.”

I’m really happy about everyone coming back. I share this excitement!

[I’m omitting a couple of paragraphs here where Brown describes more of what Doctor Who meant to her when she first encountered the show during an obviously extremely difficult time in her life. It’s really moving, and I find it relatable in some ways.]

“With the takeover by Steven Moffat in 2010, my relationship with the Doctor shifted dramatically. As much as I loved Doctor Who, I wasn’t blinkered to its myriad problems.”

See, my issue with this is simply that it implies that people like me ARE “blinkered by its myriad problems.” We’re not. But sometimes we disagree about what those problems are, or where the blame (and praise) for those problems (and their amelioration) properly lies. Hence this post.

“Trouble was, the annoying but tolerable issues were magnified into something unbearable by Moffat’s numerous faults as showrunner. Under Moffat, seasons went from episodic romps loosely knitted together by repeating themes—think “Bad Wolf” Easter eggs throughout the first season—to Lost-style mystery box seasons bogged down in an increasingly convoluted and grimdark mythology.”

I think it’s fair to say that the series 6 arc in particular was much heavier than previously attempted by the show, and this was a turnoff for some viewers. Personally, I liked it a lot conceptually, but I acknowledge that it could have been better executed. It’s also not representative of Moffat’s whole era; he experimented a lot with structure. That in itself was probably frustrating to some viewers–again, I liked it a lot, but that’s neither here nor there.

However, calling the Moffat era “grimdark” is frankly bizarre. It seems to confuse a shift in LIGHTING with a shift in TONE. The Moffat era’s TONE was, if anything, substantially more hopepunk than the RTD era (to say nothing of Torchwood, which Brown also professes to adore).

“River Song, Cybermen, Daleks, and the Master work best when used sparingly,”

Yeah, I agree.

“but Moffat dragged them out of the toy box so often that they lost their appeal.”

A criticism that (aside from River, for whom YMMV) applies equally to the RTD era.

“Even the Doctor suffered from too much focus. Doctor Who is a show that flourishes when it cares more about the people the Doctor helps than the Doctor. The Doctor is much more interesting as a character who drops into other people’s stories than when everyone else exists only to serve the Doctor’s narrative.”

This is a matter of taste, and on that level cannot be refuted.

But I’m not actually sure it’s true that the stories in the Moffat era focused more on the Doctor than was the case in previous eras. It didn’t seem that way to me. I suppose one could develop some way of objectively evaluating the validity of that premise, but I’m not going to go to that much trouble.

“Worse, women went from equals with their own vibrant lives to codependent followers.”

This is not merely a matter of personal taste. It is an assertion about content of the sort which could hypothetically be supported by evidence. If it were true. And it is literally the opposite of true. It’s a gross mischaracterization of the Moffat era companions, and moreover ignores the sometimes-problematic characterizations of the RTD era companions. I’m skipping the rest of that paragraph, which merely rehashes worn-out, shallow readings of Amy and Clara’s characters. I have nothing to say about those arguments that I haven’t said elsewhere before.

“[Moffat’s] seeming disdain for how fans interpreted the series,”

Showrunners SHOULD disdain how fans interpret their work. Or, more accurately, they should ignore it. Since fans are a motley bunch, the alternative would be a total lack of creative vision, either deeply bland or utterly fractured.

“for critiques of his own biases and bigotries,”

In reality, Steven Moffat demonstrated a remarkable openness to critiques of his biases and made steady progress in addressing them both in front of the camera and behind the scenes.

“and for the depth the show was capable of became a virus that infected everything.”

From where I sit, Doctor Who demonstrated far more depth during the Moffat era than during the RTD era (and some of the deepest scripts in RTD’s era were written by Moffat and according to RTD, barely touched by his editorial influence). I’m willing to consider the possibility that the RTD era displayed depths that I failed to perceive, but given the number of times I’ve rewatched it and the fact that I study texts for a living, I have to say I think that’s a long shot. I would welcome a persuasive analysis of the depths of the RTD era.

“I have never been one to shy away from dropping shows that I no longer like, but I held onto Doctor Who longer than I should have. I finally tapped out after the frustrating penultimate episode of Season 6, “The Wedding of River Song.” Reductive, repetitive, and boring, the episode encapsulated everything I couldn’t stand about Moffat’s storytelling.”

OK, Brown has got a point there. I love TWORS for purely personal reasons (it was just FUN, in the same way that the more crazy-ambitious failures often are in Doctor Who), but I’m under no illusions about its quality. In addition to being “reductive [and] repetitive” that episode was also rushed and full of holes. I didn’t find it boring, but that’s a subjective thing.

It’s a bit weird though that Brown claims to have quit watching Doctor Who at the end of series 6, since earlier she critiqued both Clara and Moffat’s “over"use of Missy, both of whom post-date Brown’s purported exit. Hmm. Seems like (as is not uncommon, in my experience) people who dislike Moffat base a lot of their dislike on mere hearsay.

"Although Moffat drove me away from Doctor Who, other factors kept me from coming back. A not insignificant chunk of my exhaustion came from the frustratingly limited diversity and the frequently poor treatment of characters of color—see Martha and Bill, plus the weirdness around the few major interracial relationships.”

OK, this is approximately half fair. There WAS a frustrating lack of diversity which continued well into Moffat’s era. Martha and her weird marriage to Mickey are RTD’s doing entirely. And the author claims not to have ever seen series 10, so she’s hardly in a place to evaluate Bill’s treatment (which, for the record, seemed pretty great to me–vastly better than in any previous era, anyway, though there’s no doubt that there is still room for improvement).

“Prior to Season 11 there had never been an Asian or South Asian companion despite the fact that people of South Asian ancestry make up nearly 7% of the population of England and Wales, according to the most recent census. Islam is the second largest religion in the UK, yet Muslims are also largely absent from the show, and certainly from the role of companion.”

This is a totally fair criticism.

“Moffat said it was hard to cast diversely without impinging on historical accuracy,”

Gonna want a citation for that one; I admit it’s possible he said something like that at some point but I feel like I would remember if he had.

“a notion that is patently false and wholly ignorant of actual history.”

A point which Sarah Dollard makes in the series 10 episode “Thin Ice,” with the enthusiastic approval of Moffat himself.

“To be fair, Moffat also admitted this claim was nonsense and rooted in a white-centric view of history and acknowledged that the show needed to do better…then made absolutely no changes.”

Thanks for being fair…almost. In fact he made substantial changes during his tenure, though most happened after Alex Brown quit paying attention. Seems to me that if you’re going to write an article for a blog affiliated with a major SF publisher, you might actually want to check your facts rather than relying on information that’s several years out of date (if it was ever true).

“And don’t even get me started on frequent Moffat collaborator and Who writer Mark Gatiss who infamously whined about diversity initiatives ruining historical accuracy because they cast a Black man as a soldier on an episode about Queen Victoria’s army battling Ice Warriors on Mars.”

Yeah, this I do remember. Ew, Gatiss! What were you thinking?

“Not to mention Moffat’s asinine declarations that we couldn’t have a woman Doctor becausehe 'didn’t feel enough people wanted it’ and 'This isn’t a show exclusively for progressive liberals; this is also for people who voted Brexit.’”

This is also the man who wrote the first-ever gender-changing regeneration (of the Doctor, no less!) in his comedy special, “The Curse of the Fatal Death,” the first female incarnation of a previously male Time Lord (Missy, who turned out to be incredibly popular), and the first official, non-comedy, on-screen gender-changing regeneration scene (the General, in Hell Bent), thus paving the way for even many of those non-liberal, Brexit-voting audiences to accept a female Doctor, and making it virtually impossible for the BBC not to do it without looking like total assholes (though by that point they were totally on board and needed to further persuasion).

But sure, go ahead and cherry-pick a couple of real-but-not-representative Moffat quotes to perpetuate your misogynistic Moffat pseudo-narrative.

[Cutting the rest of that paragraph because it adds nothing to the critique]

“Why can’t we have a trans or disabled companion? Why can’t the Doctor be a queer woman of color?”

These are totally legitimate questions, and we should keep asking them.

“Do you know what it’s like to be told by someone in a position of power that you don’t belong here? That you are an aberration, a glitch in the matrix, that including you would be so inaccurate that it would collapse the narrative structure of a fictional television show that features a frakking alien traveling through time in a police box?”

Yes. I do.

And when you dismissed Amy and Clara as mere sexist stereotypes, mere codependent hangers-on of the Doctor, you re-inflict that wound on me and many other fans, because you’ve been granted a position of power, a platform in the blog of a major international SF publisher.

“Hearing that message all the time from pop culture is hard enough, but to get it from my favorite show was heartbreaking.”

I feel ya, Alex Brown. This needs to continue to be addressed.

But I’ll also remind readers that the Moffat era, despite its still-too-limited representation, gave us more disability representation than any other era of the show up to that point.

“Cut to the Jodie Whittaker announcement in July, 2017. For the first time in years, I watched the Christmas special—live, no less. To give credit where credit is due, Moffat’s swan song exceeded my (very low) expectations and Peter Capaldi was as excellent as I hoped he’d be. Whittaker had almost no screen time, but what she did get left me with a smile a mile wide.

"On top of her pitch-perfect casting, Thirteen will also be joined by three new companions, one a Black man and another a woman of Indian descent. Plus, the Season 11 writers’ room has added a Black woman, white woman, and a man of Indian descent. Several women will also be directing. New showrunner Chris Chibnall proclaimed that the renovated show will tell 'stories that resonate with the world we’re living in now,’ and will 'be the most accessible, inclusive, diverse season’ ever produced.

"These changes go beyond tokenism and into real diversity work. The show isn’t just sticking a woman in the titular role and patting themselves on the back. Diversity can’t just be about quotas. It must be about inclusion and representation in front of and behind the camera. Marginalized people need to be able to tell our own stories and speak directly to our communities. The majority already gets to do that, and now that conversation needs to happen across the board. The show still has a lot of work to do, both in terms of undoing the status quo of harmful tropes and in laying strong groundwork for later casts and crews. Yet, somewhat surprisingly, I feel hopeful for the show’s future.”

I totally agree with these three paragraphs (except I had high expectations of TUAT, which were also exceeded). In fact these paragraphs are a big part of why I felt like this article was worth sharing. I just couldn’t do it without significant reservation.

“And isn’t hope what the show is really all about? Doctor Who is a story about the hope for a better tomorrow, faith in your companions, and trust that you’re doing the right thing. It’s about a hero using their immense powers responsibly and in order to benefit those who need it the most. The Doctor creates space for the marginalized to stand up and speak out, to fight for their rights against those who would silence or sideline them.”

I’m not totally sure that that’s ever really been true before, but it’s an ongoing aspiration that the show keeps moving closer to.

“For too long, that ideal was lost to puzzle boxes, bloated mythology, and trope-y characters”

No it wasn’t. See above.

“but with the appearance of each new Thirteenth Doctor trailer, my hope grows a little more.

"It’s not often that you find your way back to something you loved and lost. At first, Doctor Who was a touchstone during my trials and hardships. Then it became a cornerstone in the foundation of the new life I was building. For a long time I left it encased in a wall, hidden in the basement of my subconscious, untouched and unwanted. Yet here I stand, sledgehammer in hand, putting a hole in that wall. I have set free my love of Doctor Who as Jodie Whittaker cheers me on. October 7 can’t come soon enough.”

This sentiment is really lovely. Welcome back, Alex Brown, and every other fan returning to Doctor Who after an absence of any length and for any reason. It’s shaping up to be a great new era.

Please remember, though, when talking to other fans, that other eras meant as much to some of them as this one means to you, and for similar reasons.

To those who are leaving because of toxic discourse about previous eras making them feel like their presence isn’t welcome and/or participating in fandom right now will only cause them pain: I’m going to miss you. I hope your DVDs and Big Finish and stuff continue to bring you joy. I hope you’ll come back again when it’s safe to do so.

To those who are leaving because they don’t like the idea of a female Doctor and/or two POC companions: BYE BYE! To be honest, nobody will miss you, but nevertheless I hope that eventually you realize how silly and harmful your biases are. When you do, I hope you’ll come back to Doctor Who. And you’ll be welcome.

[greywindow]

I will never understand what kept you near me aside from momentary need. I am happy you brought up all the ways you would never cherish me or protect me though. The true nadir began when you decided I was to “blame” for the state of our relationship. The true blame lied with you, it lay in the weeds you planted… I never even said it. Numerous times I tried to clarify that no one was “to blame”…. But i was wrong. It was you. Very simply it was the ways you would never cherish or protect me… Defend me when pressed… Sure… But only because you will defend anything…. You know unequivocally that I would have burned for you… Even if only to prove you were worth it… I would have never even attempt to ask 20% of that of you because I would have been simply disappointed… And even that was a stress I simply bore, not recognizing it for what it was. So when you made my two breakdowns… Yes breakdowns Under the stress of supporting and caring for someone who seems to care about anyone other than the two of us more than anything. When I get to repeatedly hear about how willing you are to help your friends get their lives moving forward… And how you sacrifice everything of yourself to a relationship and see none of that reflected on me….. Reading and writing with your one friend Listening to the music and reading the lyrics of your other friend (who you secretly love and pine for after reading the lyrics while telling everyone else in your life but not me) Constantly waiting for video and art updates from your other friend (who in public you refer to as your wife and lover but I am some unnamed shadow) And constantly going on discussions of cosplay with online friends and getting a couple “oh yah we’ll do some stuff so I can show off your body” basically…. For me. So yes. On the days you decide to be blatantly cruel due to some hidden and callous “slight” I cast your way or some offense to your astrology and drag out my punishment for an hour or two of silence, dejected refusal to acknowledge reality amd deciding my attempts to help you are really more proofs of me being hurtful or ignorant…. Or the day I was told my grandmother was entering palliative care and you decided it was a good argument to smash my property and scream almost hysterically until you had to be physically restrained and even then almost clawed out my eyes? On those days…… I finally break down. I dont know if anyone reads this or takes the time. I don’t care. You can judge me and say “what kind of man loves like this”? I do not care. I was willing to give this woman anything because that seems to be my role in meeting inescapably damaged people… It is the wound I carry and it doesnt bother me, now that i know what it is… I have been made to feel like the smallest nothing but I am intellectual and well built physically to the point that I can destroy people mentally or physically, people can be afraid of me just by being me…. When I stumble across someone female in the situation of being bent and damaged but not broken by the world I feel comfortable enough to give up my control to them because they can teach me the softness I don’t have. In the process, for the first time… They have the opportunity to hurt, the power of control… And the passed few haven’t handled that responsibility very well. You were no different. I don’t judge you for it, although it is true. You took the ability to be Poison Ivy with her Bane and gave it up because you didnt agree with the symbolism and instead wished for Superman, a few thousand miles away. I wouldn’t have cared. I am a Gemini remember (you’re with me if you want to be or you arent. Case closed)…. I could easily live with that… But you took my dedication to you and turned it into something wrong or bad You took away any chance of forgiveness for the two times i broke down and made it into that being who or what I am. You know my ability to cause violence and I never once turned it towards you even a tiny bit…. Because my tiny bits would cause incredible damage to someone as tiny as you… And yet…. When you made me out to be the problem, that hint of violence was your goto. That was why I broke down for the third and final time and why I cant speak to you until the passage of years has grown you, or until you grow into rest of the 98%‘ers and the point is moot. I would have burned for you. I gave up some of the things that men think make them men for you. You had a Lion that would give you his belly. I dont mind that you didnt love me. C'est la Vie. It hurt, not going to lie. There is no way I would have broken down the way I did and shouted you out of my house the way I did had you simply told me that. You dont have the right to say things about me in regards to love because that honour goes to your “friend”. I want to be clear. He didn’t break us up. You did. This is not about your feelings for the other people you pretend to be poly with. This is about your lack of empathy and love for me. I am sure you have people you have talked about astrology with and even if I was mentioned alongside his name… The focus turned to him and progressed with me as a side note. How many people have seen his chart? How many people have seen mine? Has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with you. You couldn’t even see I was literally crumbling internally that last morning when I lost it… Its not that you have some different form of love than I, its that you don’t love me. A year in I never would have given two shits whether or not you loved me, but it kind of sucks to see you more in love with yourself and him than I. And you are only being disingenuous to yourself from this point if you don’t see it. When I finally broke down I was like turning in circles and I turned to you in some weird confusion to hug you (because i didn’t know what else to do) you only saw the beast and not the cub…. Remember telling me about needing to cry? Had you hugged me then amd petted my head and told me it would be alright this story would be different. That would have been the action of both a friend and a lover to seeing the one they care for in obvious distress. You put your hands out like I was unclean… And I still didnt even really know what I was doing. Do you know I actually can’t even remember at what point or what was said when I lost it…. That whole period I almost stood outside myself and watched me spin my wheels and wring my hands turning this way and that before turning to you for a hug… I want you to know if you made it this far that I dont hate you. I reserve my true indifference for those I hate. You would never get this piece of writing. I will never mail this to you though. It will remain buried here for a long as it remains a digital memory of this time. If you find it, even then you may still blind yourself. So here it will remain… I don’t need to prove anything. I never did, thats why when a fool and a wise man argue its hard to tell the difference… I dont have any of the “pride” or ego based contradictions to iron out, prove or make fundamental to my life…. I live just fine in my skin, its you my dear that has those issues to follow through on. My lesson was to truly learn my role as the Blackbird in your life and if the alignments continue to bring me more like you I will only learn to be more patient and more caring until I get it right. One day when you are willing to be honest with yourself and actually sit down and learn who you are as a concept and not as what a concept defines you as we will talk. If there is the core inside you that everyone spiritual can see and that you cannot it will grow and break itself free of you and leave this cage behind… That will require you discovering your spirituality and that is inside not in some book or forum of painters all painting with the same color. Maybe you see the things I write, maybe not. This really isnt for you although I talking to you, its for me. I can finally just let you go… It’s taken so long and I am still hurt and mad, i am happy i know though and it’s worked its way through to the separation of our energies. I was thinking about how you would feel if you pushed him numerous times to the breaking point until he had his two breakdowns in the year you spent in his presence… And i realized that it wouldn’t happen because you are trying to buy your redemption and self worth through him… Because it was only his ex that pushed him to the point where he couldn’t handle it… Not sure how self aware you were when you made the claim that you could be like her to him… You heard and felt his pain over it, and you have projected your own insecurities into that place. The damsel in distress bit probably worked with whatever guy in town you were talking to before we were done, and if it has any effect on your true love…. It was only to show him where he wouldn’t find his redemption. The round about funny thing is… And i have never considered it until now people who have the “unrequitted” love syndrome pass it on karmically to the ones that follow.... sure to subconscious projection of superiority over the same arch type that previously caused them intense pain… You dont have to get over me, I have now finalized my getting over you... Its you who has to get over him. Maybe one day when you are ready to admit some things to yourself we will talk again... and if not then maybe in our next lives we can be cats. Take care of yourself

[vardasvapors]

On Númenor and the Shire

Regarding analyses that are very keen-eyed about certain connections, but whose conclusions drive me nuts, I wanted to take note of some interpretations of this excellent spiel by Erendis to Ancalimë from the Unfinished Tales’s “Aldarion and Erendis,” in the first millennium of the Second Age, long before the Akallabeth:

“The long life that they [Numenorean men] were granted deceives them, and they dally in the world, children in mind, until age finds them - and then many only forsake play out of doors for play in their houses. They turn their play into great matters and great matters into play. They would be craftsmen and loremasters and heroes all at once; and women to them are but fires on the hearth - for others to tend, until they are tired of play in the eve­ning. All things were made for their service: hills are for quarries, river to furnish water or to turn wheels, trees for boards, women for their body’s need, or if fair to adorn their table and hearth; and children to be teased when nothing else is to do - but they would as soon play with their hounds’ whelps. To all they are gracious and kind, merry as larks in the morning (if the sun shines); for they are never wrathful if they can avoid it. Men should be gay, they hold, generous as the rich, giving away what they do not need. Anger they show only when they become aware, suddenly, that there are other wills in the world beside their own. Then they will be as ruthless as the seawind if anything dare to withstand them.”

Now my gripe is that when people do take notice of this, it just flops with a “haha, this is what Numenor was REALLY like INSTEAD of a good society like the other accounts claim, Erendis has LAID IT BARE because she knows the TRUTH unlike everyone else, this dismantles and erases everything, everyone was solely like this and never like anything else and Numenor was ACTUALLY rotten and this uniform narrow society is what Elros ignorantly built lmao”

Erendis noticing these things so early is a great bit of writing, but the smug and one-dimensional fannish hollowing I’ve seen of it is, as usual, eyerolling. That is not how populations work. Or societies in general, especially those with a nobility and a non-nobility. (Though haha it’s certainly far from the first time this fandom has treated an entire fictional race as a monolith in a way that would be breathtakingly racist in real life, or conflated a description of the nobility with the entire population, because lmao poor people don’t count as people and certainly don’t influence society, don’t be silly guys.) But also, it ignores the actually interesting aspect of this quote. Which is, the negative tendencies which Erendis identifies as those that emerge most visibly among this population, are marvelously apt and well-selected and organic, as they are all the inevitable and inescapable negative backhand, as I like to call it, of a prosperous, peaceful, isolated society like Early Numenor. One that has no need to struggle or fight for anything, and has no first-hand experience, only legends and lore, of the sort of collective trauma, suffering, and loss that can define a people, as it defined the Edain in earlier times.

The positives of such a society, on the other hand, are also the opportunity and ease and plenty and resources, and trust in the stability of their community, and the lack of danger or anxiety about their way of life even for the poorest, which allows the Numenoreans to collectively and culturally, not just individually, embody and prioritize a life of being kind and non-violent and accepting and generous and curious and patient and knowledgeable and educated and creative and full of zest and adventure and progress. The two sides are in no way contradictory or opposed to one another. They are both results of the exact same thing - the cocktail of human nature + environmental circumstances + culture and history. Numenor’s social elements draw a fantastically clear-cut picture - free of confounding variables and subject to the law of conservation of detail, as befits a fictional society - of what happens when human beings with the Numenoreans’ past are placed in the Numenoreans’ present circumstances. Compare other societies with different circumstances and history, where the main social ills are ones unknown to the Numenoreans, and yet are less prone to the privilege-based ills most common to Numenoreans, and which have strengths borne of hardship more difficult for the Numenoreans to retain.

I think a problem with a lot of interpretations of the term “double-edged” is the tendency to interpret it as “actually, bad instead of good like it seems” rather than, you know, double-edged. Where the good edge might be as sharp or sharper than the bad edge. Whether the general central thrust of the society is defined (at any given point in time) as positive or negative depends (in-universe) on how good their society’s mechanisms for self-correcting and limiting the negatives are; and (narratively), what lens or timeframe the society is being viewed from. Erendis’ spiel is powerfully perceptive and insightful foreshadowing, but still incomplete, only one person’s viewpoint, and by no means an objective one – though she nails it in that the privilege issue is the reason why Numenorean noblemen, emphasis on both noble and men, are the ones most susceptible to these pitfalls.

The Achilles Heel of the Numenoreans is the blindness of privilege, which shelters them from consequences and therefore renders their other negative traits (and the seriousness of the danger of these traits festering and growing unchecked) far less visible than they ought to be, which in turn makes them even more difficult to limit and self-correct.

In terms of the Tolkien universe specifically, this is a part of Arda Marred, where societies, being a part of the world, are plagued by bone-deep catch-22s that make the negatives inescapable, impossible to entirely or permanently eradicate, and eternally insidious and and encroaching, seeping like water into the tiniest cracks to corrode and crumble even the best and healthiest societies from the inside out, always in danger of overcoming the societies’ positive elements and structures and consuming them. All people can do is use their intelligence and wisdom and strength to tirelessly self-correct and guard against the pitfalls, repeatedly avoiding corruption and decline for another day, another year, another century, another millennium, to give another generation a good childhood, a good life, a good death, a good legacy. This requires a level of clear-eyed perspective and humility and self-awareness born of experience – but the turnover of mortal life, and the blindness of privilege, and both working in tandem, do a very good job of hampering it.

In a weird way, an occurrence that embodies the same phenomenon as Numenor’s indivisibly bundled positives and negatives is probably, well….the Shire. Yeah, okay sure, lmao I know, but really. The Shire is prosperous, peaceful, joyous, harmonious, stable, and in a perpetual state of renewal, regrowth, and sustainability, populated by a people who are reasonable and practical in their accomplishments and characterized by common sense, resilience, and adaptability. The negative backhand is a tendency to be complacent, narrow-minded, ignorant of and uninterested in the world outside or the fragility of their haven, obsessed with trivial properness, and dismissive of anything or anyone unusual. The society where there has not been a murder in living memory and whose law enforcement is almost unemployed, also falls into frivolous gossiping, finicky disapproval, and calling people crazy for not conforming. This is not dumping two random handfuls of good and bad traits in the same vat. The good and bad spring from the exact same source - the peace and shelter and comfort.

The big differences are, first, the obvious part with Numenor’s military might and political power and expansion, so these two societies’ roles in the world are on opposite ends of the spectrum. But the second difference, looking at Early Numenor, is that the peculiar hubris of the Shire is knocked stone cold dead by Lotho and Saruman, and the scouring and recovery is fastidiously calmed and controlled - by Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin, who have grown and seen a lot and can think and act outside the box - and the Shire is reintegrated and cast forward into the future as something that can grow and build on its people’s new experience and understanding of hardship and loss, and to deepen in wisdom, mature in spirit, and guard against the likes of Lotho et al with greater tenacity and resilience. A modest hint, one might say, at Arda Remade, albeit with a very mild and brief - comparatively speaking - process of creative destruction/eucatastrophe. But if not for the luck of having the four hobbits of the Fellowship - most especially Frodo, who forbids to the very last any insidious intrusion of any self-perpetuating corrupting elements like vengeance or cruelty or bitterness - the Shire would not have reintegrated or healed so well, and may well have declined into nastiness, suspicion, rigidity, and fearful hostility, killing off all its positives in its attempt to preserve itself and recover from its domination.

For Numenor, there is no similar stroke of luck to re-rail them and help them reintegrate from their damaged state into something even better and stronger before they - pardon the pun - get in too deep. The emergency of Sauron’s rise twists Numenor’s worst long-term tendencies into their most prized short-term assets. Any potential influence by other peoples (such as dwarves and men less privilege-cushioned than they, or by elves who have Frodo-esque helpful first-hand experience with this brand of stupidity) is first weakened and then later rebuffed. At the very edge, Tar-Palantir’s efforts as a single individual are not enough. Tar-Miriel’s rule is usurped. The momentum of their decline is artificially accelerated to the breaking point by Sauron. For Numenor, the negative backhand overtakes the positive elements of their society, becomes ingrained in their power structures, and consumes them.

[withacorkscrew-blog]

The Six Thatchers

**Sherlock analysis/spoilers below**

In which some people can’t decide how clever everyone is, whether death is permanent, what makes a villain villainous, or how emotions work.

And no, “some people” does not refer to Sherlock Holmes.

What was supposed to be compelling about this mystery? Hopefully not the whodunnit; calling the secretary as the culprit after her first scene would’ve been obvious  except that seemed too dumb to be real, and not just because “but the service worker did it!” is a tired, tired plot twist. There was one person in the debriefing room (/story) who had no reason to be there, who they pointed out had no reason to be there (when Mycroft said notes were not to be taken because of the level of confidentiality at which point there is no reason a secretary would ever have been let into the room in the first place, let alone allowed to stay), who had random extraneous dialogue as though to point a giant flashing arrow at her head, and who Moffatt can point to as an act of feminism the next time someone on a panel asks him why he doesn’t write a complex array of female characters. But I can genuinely no longer tell whether this was intentional. Does this show wants the viewer to feel clever and included, or is it getting more predictable and less clever itself?

Who is this Sherlock Holmes? Except maybe a parody of himself. Have they forgotten that part of what made Sherlock such an exceptional detective in Seasons 1 and 2 was his ability to accurately perceive human emotion and motivation? He might not have been interested in having feelings or encouraging other people’s, but he sure as hell knew they were going on and understood that they had significance and what they suggested. He also learned the importance of working with other people, on having people he turned to for help and not going off half-cocked, as opposed to, say, hanging out next to a pool in the middle of the night waiting for a mystery criminal or criminals alone. This Sherlock is a parody of who he used to be. I’d like to believe that that’s because the show wants us to buy in to him buying in to the idea that he’s a sociopath, and that would explain why he’s so distant and dedicated to being entertained by it all in the first third of the episode. But that’s pretty hard to believe given his actions in the second half, and particularly in the last ten minutes.

Also, they gave him a dog out of nowhere, after redbeard, which they referenced in this episode, and established that Sherlock was attached to the dog, and then the dog completely disappeared again and nobody commented on that and Sherlock was completely unmoved? Are they even trying to write Sherlock as a consistent character anymore, rather than their own personal Mary Sue?*

Who is this John Watson? And not just the weirdness of that noise he made after Mary got shot. He contemplates cheating? Why? Where did that come from? He’s been unhappy with his relationships before, sure, but always because he was so immersed in his work. But now, when he’s unhappy in his relationship, he entertains an affair instead of immersing himself in his work? What validation is it that he needs from women now, when that’s always been secondary to him before? And why is he mad at Sherlock because Mary jumped in front of a bullet? Since when is John that irrational? Or that invested in Mary, who he showed only the most perfunctory interest in all episode? Or that willing to cut Sherlock out of his life? He forgave Sherlock two years worth of faked death and attendant avoidable emotional pain, but won’t forgive him a choice that someone else made?

Is this show so invested in its ‘no homo’ that it’s given up caring about the show’s continuity and appeal? Sherlock and John barely interacted in this episode, and without their relationship the show is lacking heart. It doesn’t matter whether you ship them or not, whether you think their investment in each other is romantic or platonic. What made this show work so well was their dynamic. And, for the viewer, having a point of entry in John and in the relatable spaces between John and Sherlock. Without their relationship, we’re no longer solving mysteries with them, but watching them from a remove. Sure, they’ve proven that John and Sherlock can get by without one another. But can the show?

Does this show have rules? Limits? Internal consistency? Ethics? Setting aside, for a moment, the incredibly number this must all be doing on John Watson’s psychology and sense of object permanence (though feeling like he must be having the world’s most fucked up time of it is one of the few points - maybe the only? - point of emotional investment I got out of the episode), how are we supposed to get invested in a universe when the rules keep changing so arbitrarily and dramatically? Is Sherlock dead? Moriarty dead? Is Mary dead? Is anyone actually dead? Is Mrs Hudson secretly a vampire? Are we going to see Magnusson’s face on screens across London next week? On the one hand, in the one confirmed case of someone coming back, we had visual confirmation before the end of the episode. On the other, if they keep teasing at the idea, how much impact do they expect these deaths to have? Ditto the idea of the big, bad villain. Magnusson was the biggest, baddest, and most grotesque, but next week we’re going to have someone who is the new biggest, baddest, and most grotesque? So…what? What’s the point of it? To see how many viscerally off-putting affective choices they can come up with without losing all their viewers? (Which is especially grating when some really appalling stuff - like Mary giving her newborn daughter her name, thereby assuring Rosie a very heavy mantle, and/or giving Mary an easy way to blur her very laden identity into her child’s - goes uncommented upon except as an easter egg type victory for the marginally attentive viewer, because yes, no shit, Mary left the R out in her recap to Sherlock.) Aside from a few flashy moments - which is the sort of storytelling technique guaranteed to have diminishing returns - what are they hoping to accomplish with this non-progression towards an extraneous more?

tl;dr: Moftiss are losing their grip on what makes stories moving, and this one wasn’t. The show is still interesting for the puzzles it presents (sort of), but it’s not much fun to solve along when the answers are simultaneously obvious, bewildering and, most of all, distant from the emotional lives of the characters. But there’s no real stake left to have when the characters behave inconsistently, the mysteries are flat, and there’s no relationship/principle/outcome that anyone is fighting for.

Thoughts on things to watch:

Mary’s alias, Gabrielle Ashdown, gives us another G and A, as in A.G.R.A. If this show is still making any attempt at being intentional, that seems…well, what do we say about coincidence? But who knows if this show is still being intentional!

Mary didn’t get herself to a hospital, even though she would have been fully capable of getting herself there, by ambulance or the neighbors who owe them a favor or the people they asked to be godparents or cab. And, while this may be news to anyone who has ever worked on this show, a woman who wanted to be that on top of her game would have to be pretty damn aware of how her body worked and changed and felt. Mary giving birth in the car instead of going through the NHS system? Not a coincidence. Something is going on with her identity. But who knows if that will ever revisit us or if it ever occurred to Moftiss that giving birth is significant and telling rather than a funny throwaway gag?

Who sent Mary’s “Miss Me” DVD? Physically, who knew where it was and put it in the mail? If Mary really made a spur of the moment decision to jump in front of that bullet, if she was at all surprised at the reveal, it wouldn’t have been her. So who was she working with that knew about the DVD, had access to it, had Sherlock’s address, and had orders to act in the event of her death?

What is this cave that Sherlock was lurking in? Where did he get it, whose is it, how is he storing highly sensitive equipment there, since when is it a thing?

There were more than six Thatchers on the table when AJ put his USB key in one, and none of them had bottoms. Which means that someone else had to see that the USB key was in there - there’s no way a rectangular object with a metal chain wouldn’t have fallen out or at least rattled around the inside of a hollow, curved object as soon as someone lifted the thing up to finish/ship/move it - and make the choice to seal it up inside the thing. So, who? And why did they make that choice?

Random thought: In this political climate it felt hella irresponsible for Moftiss to start us off with an explanation of how governments fake coverups.

* nothing against Mary Sues, genuinely. I just am not that interested in this particular one; Steven Moffatt’s id!fic is the sort of thing I’d like to give a wiiiiiide berth.

[sanguinesprout]

It’s now or never, let’s goooo~~!!  (aka. semi-serious, encouraging-ish intro post of sorts) ☆ [Repost 160417]

Hmm, alrighty *pretends to crack knuckles* let’s go lil fingers that are currently really cold, do your stuff! Just do it hurgh! ᕙ( * •̀ ᗜ •́ * )ᕗ

I’ve always wanted to make a blog, to just have a space of my own where I could just write out my feelings and post things of my own creation, but my gloomy little avoidant mind kept deciding it wasn’t such a good idea and prevented it from actually materialising. A blog like this is so common but in my mind it was such a big deal, something that could potentially end up going wrong somehow and cause me more anguish. Seeing other people being able to write freely made me feel sorrowful and envious of the courage they have. Ultimately I felt more and more pathetic and ashamed of myself for being so afraid of something so ordinary. This is just one example that shows the extent my avoidance and recently acknowledged paranoia (which I’m gonna totally kick the butt of!! ☆)

I decided a long while back that I no longer wanted to see things in a negative light, so now I try my best to see the good side of things and take inspiration from others instead of instantly feeling demoralised or inferior and it has proven to be much more motivational and uplifting ♡ There has literally been years and years of me desiring to do things with no actual action and I don’t want to put any of it off anymore. There just isn’t any reason to, and this goes for a lot of the things in my life too!

I created this account over a year ago and I spent a long time trying to encourage myself and give myself the time I needed to psych up to use it. It takes so much mental effort just to get myself moving, and only one small negative criticism or experience to have me falling back to square one again. My motivation levels always fluctuated because of my reoccurring fears and lack of confidence.  When I finally thought I was mentally prepared enough, it all plummeted into the depths of darkness due to the onslaught of old and new physical health problems. But I am stronger than I think and these things won’t hold me back anymore! I won’t be beat so easily, I can keep fighting hoohah!! ᕙ (;｀⊥ ＾★)┐

This isn’t my first attempt at a blog or tumblr account, in fact it’s my third one, the previous ones poofed when real life got too difficult and I lost the motivation try keep up with the fandoms which I sat awkwardly reblogging a few things from. Being in a fandom was nice to experience, but at the same time uncomfortable and anxiety inducing as I never felt like I could truly fit in. I didn’t want to impose the misery of my real life on anyone nor force myself even more to pretend to be okay when I wasn’t, so I chose to just disappear. This being the case on some other similar occasions also and is such an avoidant thing to do, but at the time it gave me some relief and I hoped to re-appear someday when I got better but it just... it didn’t happen and I eventually had to give up on that idea. I also kept thinking they would probably resent me and that it would be awkward because our common interest was lost because I fell behind. I worry that I was just being selfish and taking an easy but inconsiderate way out and feel very regretful but I guess it has also presented me with opportunities to try refocus myself and learn from my mistakes.

I've become very aware of the impact of my avoidant habits and paranoid behaviour even more in the recent years and naturally, as they are neither healthy nor beneficial, I wish to do away with them as much as possible. I’ve always had an inkling my irrational fears and thoughts were not just those of social anxiety and when I stumbled upon the existence of AVPD I had a total epiphany, much like many other people I’ve read about. Seeing how I wasn’t alone in how I felt is relieving but knowing they are also suffering so much is too painful of a realisation. I want to help them but I feel I can’t because I have trouble even helping myself and everything just hurts so much.

Someday... someday soon I will break out of my bubble of sorrow and I’ll scatter sunshine and sparkles over all these rain clouds and make rainbows appear instead, I believe in myself, I believe I can do it! ✧*。ヾ(｡･∀･｡)ﾉﾞ✧*。

That was pretty cheesy and random, my bad lol but so is this~ I came across the word ‘sanguine’ recently and it really stuck in my mind. It means ‘optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation’ (or can mean ‘blood red’ also lolol). That’s the kind of person I want to be or the mindset I want to have (not red coloured and ideally without the bad situations too but I guess it doesn’t quite fulfil its meaning then and well beggars can’t be choosers anyways haha~).

Anyways, I’m at the point in time where I see I need to change now or be forever regretful and continue to feel like a burden to myself and others around me. I want to break out of this unhealthy cycle and move forward with confidence. I feel like I’ve lost part of who I really am, after all these years of being unsure, pretending and restricting myself to conform to the idea that I had to be a certain way to be liked and to the demons in my mind telling me I’m worthless, undeserving and weird, because... I’m not! (ﾉ≧ڡ≦) ☆ ...well maybe I am kinda... pretty darn weird, but it’s okay to be different!

I just want to be myself and I want to be happy. I want my loved ones to not be worried, to see me move out of my slump, to have someone they can finally be proud of and someone who can help them when needed, because although they may have contributed towards my avoidant personality, I love them and I want to see them happy and stress free too.

Time is precious and although I feel I have wasted a lot of it with all of my inaction, frustration and failures, there is still time to make things right. I want to look to the future and enjoy life, because (as much as the phrase irked me initially, it’s been super useful and true) YOLO!! ☆ I mean maybe there is another life but who knows what I’ll be then. I don’t think I could accomplish much as a cucumber or a snail. (Ooh my! That gives me an idea for something artsy fartsy! :D)

Making small progress is much better than none at all, so I’m going to try hard to keep moving up, keep being positive, proactive and productive! (Look at all them p's alliteration whoooo~!! Someone give me a gold star lol, it feels like I’ve written an essay and it was actually a little less stressful than a real one too hurr :B)

I feel somewhat proud of myself that I’ve already made progress even though I may not have been recording it here. Seeing the benefits it’s had on my general health and mood is a nice feeling and my motivation levels are continuing to increase from knowing that I can really make a change. It’s the fear from irrational thoughts that prevent you from going ahead, but once you stop to take the time to rationalise them, you’ll feel much more assured and motivated. Never forget that every bit of progress no matter how small or insignificant it may seem deserves a pat on the back! Reinforce the good feelings and behaviour, not the bad! Even if it seems terrible now, there’s always tomorrow and there’s the great big future ahead to be looking forward to! C:

Avpd is so awkward, geez... I wouldn’t even wish AVPD on even my worst enemy (well AVPD is one of my worst enemies so it wouldn’t work anyways unless it’s that thing where two negatives cancel each other out and become a positive lol).

It’s so strange, sometimes when I write I can’t tell if I am writing like myself or someone else..? I think maybe because I don’t write often, I forget that I can write something other than jokey informal things (which is closer to how I talk). Talking and writing is different though, so I guess it makes sense yoooo~! I can’t spend too long being serious, it brings on those unwanted dreary and negative feels, I don’t want to feel melancholy anymore ._.

Before I started writing this post I wrote the about page for my blog and actually struggled with it quite a bit. One of my main goals is to just have the courage to just put myself out there and not feel ashamed, I really hope to get over this asap as it bothers me so much. It’s no exciting piece of literature of course but I’m happy I was able to do it and be satisfied with it. It was a load of incomprehensible waffling at first and I got sidetracked from writing the simple things I initially wanted to, but I edited the unnecessary parts away. It was nice to finally write a slice of my feelings down and something truthful about myself and at first it felt like a waste getting rid of some of it, but I think I’ll probably save those words for future creative inspo so that worked out okay too. I kept catching myself stepping into the negative thought zone, but I’m glad I noticed and removed it in the end because it was unneeded. That’ll teach mr.snarkypants negative mind not to mess with me! (╯°Д°）╯︵/(.□ . \)

I have lots of other things I want to write and say but I’ll save them for another time as this is getting much lengthier than I wanted it to be, but better out than in I guess, no one likes trapped thoughts or mind constipation amirite..? *crickets chirp*. By writing this, I managed to encourage myself a little more and even give myself some inspiration and creative direction, woot! I just need to keep it up! I won’t let myself be afraid to write about my fears anymore, I’ll rationalise all that is irrational and I’ll pour my true feelings into this blog, with a dash of silliness and rainbows ♡

Everything is easy in theory when just spoken or written, but I know it’ll be difficult to actually put in practice. There is still doubt and negativity lingering in my mind of course, but for now motivation for change is at the forefront. I feel as though maybe I’ve come across as naively optimistic here, but even if I don’t get the exact result I want, at least I tried and that in itself is a great improvement. I just don’t want to give up so easily this time, I don’t want to fall into the spiral of hopelessness I’ve entered many times before and I don’t want anyone else to either. Negativity will have no power over me anymore! (*｀皿´*ﾉ)ﾉ ⌒ ●~*

I spent way to long writing, re-reading and editing this, worrying about spelling/grammar when normally I don’t even grammar, I love engrish~! lol (selective perfectionism, if that’s a thing? If so, stop hassling me!). I also wonder if it’s disjointed and incoherent or if I come across as a bad or foolish person... I need to stop worrying so much over silly insignificant things too, like even where to put the read more cut was an overly arduous task and I still feel iffy about it, but just saw tumblr automatically cuts them to stop clutter lol. All in all I just hope my writing makes some sense, my brain was beginning to get cobwebs, so it was good to get the cogs moving again since I hadn’t sat down and written for so long heh. My attempts at being humorous, fancy and poetic need work though for sure haha~

If I don’t post this now, I’ll keep hesitating and back out, like I’ve always been doing, okay okay imma do it! *presses button with eyes closed and accidentally deletes it all* (huh damn my post didn’t showing up in the tags, must be cause I haven’t used this account properly yet... how anti-climatic, oh welp it’s not like I actually wanted someone to read this or anything, b-baka! orz)

To anyone that happens to come across this and actually read it and found it a little interesting or relatable, thank you and hopefully it’ll give a little insight into the type of blog this is and the oddity person that resides here~! If you didn’t read any of it and just think I’m a strange-ass alien, it’s okay too lol! But thanks for taking your time to look anyways~ ^^

I hope everyone can find the confidence and resolve to be themselves (if needed) and be happy! Keep going, you got this, you can do it! *hugs and sprinkles of optimism* *ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩‧₊ ♡