#leaving domestic violence

[vizthedatum]

Surreal

During the last week of my relationship with my ex/spouse, I was in constant terror. I was popping klonopin and taking edibles as much as I could. I was dabbing as much as I could. I was on the couch (almost the entire time) trying to listen to music and apply to apartments CONSTANTLY. I was freezing and fawning so bad. Most of the time, I was naked or partially naked. I could barely function.

I wanted to be back in their arms so badly - to really make things work - to try everything to make our relationship work. They sent me these messages right before I came inside:

I would have isolated from society forever. I would have carried out our plan of living separately but still isolating myself so that I could save the marriage. The burden of saving our marriage was on me - because I was the problem. They started a new job, and they told me they couldn't do this relationship and the job at the same time. I needed to stop being a problem.

They accused me of cheating and turned on me within an hour of when I got home. They told me that my hair burned them. I managed to yell out saying that YOU NEED TO GO THERAPY - THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE. And they yelled THIS IS WHO I AM. And I saw how monstrous the person who I had married... who I was deeply in love with... looked. Then at some point, I somehow went up to my room? They had told me to get out of their sight. I think it was around that time when their mom convinced them not to take my meds away from me. Then they sent me messages saying I could come down again and it wasn't a trick. (Messages three hours after the 'reading manual' one)

We took our last two selfies together - they looked manic - I just... I loved them, and I desperately wanted to be together. I wanted to make it work.

The yelling and terror continued the whole week. Intermixed with offers to help me pay off all the money I spent on moving my brother out of my parents' home - a very traumatic and involved trip to Minnesota that I absolutely had to do.

(Funny - I ended up going into debt anyway by escaping, paying the lease break fee (of which they are paying LESS THAN HALF (I guess getting a hella expensive lawyer really pays off, huh? You fucking absolute thief)), supporting myself through medical bills (including getting myself checked out for the IUD THAT THEY PULLED OUT OF ME and STI testing because I literally cannot remember if they used protection the last time they had sex with me (raped me, because they forced me to verbally consent, kept fucking me while I had a panic attack, and then somehow I ate and left the home?! I had ingeniously (hah) told them that they couldn't touch me after that unless they could commit to making me orgasm (something they hadn't been able to do in a very long time because they don't make me feel safe). In a daze.), supporting myself through months of wading through life the best I could, fighting to get my stuff back, cleaning or throwing away my things because so much was infested with grime and rodent droppings, etc.)

They would yell how I wasn't trying hard enough to get an apartment and get out of there - I was trying so hard - masking so hard when I'd make phone calls - I received messages from potential landlords correctly assuming I was being abused - I got scammed maybe like 3 times and lost money - I was messaging my friends non-stop WHILE apartment hunting for my life. For us.

I couldn't get high enough. I couldn't stop feeling so horrible. I wanted to die. I thought it was over. They kept trying to talk me out of my touch boundaries while I just looked at them and trembled in fear - I don't think any of my emotions registered to them.

I watched how they chose to appear sane during work calls... and chose to be completely unhinged with me.

I was texting my MIL - trying to explain my affairs (we were poly and open) in detail and how I told Jon what I was up to - I needed to be honest - I told her how they kept trying to touch me without my consent.

So many things happened all at once. I wanted to focus on my friends and the good things in my life. Lose myself in the fantasy of life being okay. I hated being how I was. I was talking to my partners, random lovers, friends, etc. just to know that I was wanted by someone - it felt good.... while my mind and body were falling apart.

They really wanted me out of there - while telling me that they loved me. So much yelling. I was packing.

I finally broke up (Thurs? Fri? The days blended together) with them but they still wanted to be married. They were relieved (they said) when I broke up with them. I told my MIL - (Please note that my ex has friendships I know nothing about, conversations with their really weird ex that I have no idea about, they send money to their ex, I have no idea if my ex cheated on me or not - I literally have no clue - meanwhile they go around slut shaming me even though THEY ARE POLY AS FUCK (but also super controlling)):

We kept doing our marriage ritual - nothing changed. Now I was married in a partnerless relationship where I was still being controlled. We still said we loved each other.

My credit got approved for a place that didn't check employment paystubs (Sat).

And then I got myself flowers.

The next day I left (Sun). I wrote my MIL on Mon:

On Nov 21, 2022, I called my MIL (with the help of a friend) and told her it was DV. And then I posted on Facebook:

"CW: straight up DV

Don’t tell my brother (or my immediate family) any of this. He is blocked from reading this. And I got him out of an abusive situation and he’s doing so much better so please don’t ruin the strides I’ve made with him. I waited my entire life to get him out and safe, so just don’t.

I’m safe. It has unfortunately dawned on me that I’ve been in a DV situation once again - and I didn’t know - it wasn’t until I went to MN and got clarity - I’ve been in several different DV situations and well, I didn’t want to believe it because it was literally the best relationship I ever had? Because well, who else would love me like they would? They were loving and caring and kind - they supported me through surgeries and dr appts and so much shit. They were my rock and my everything. I don’t regret any of it. I really don’t. I loved them and they loved me. Our vows were fucking poetry and it symbolized the love we shared and built together. Our wedding day was unforgettable and beautiful, and I’ll never forget it. I think I’ll always love them.

I deluded myself because - I never thought I could have this. No one ever loved me like that. And that’s why I denied it for so long. The love was and is there but it’s not enough. It hurts to say that I deserve more, but I do.

I left my home Sunday night. I packed what I could in my car and left because I didn’t feel safe. When I came home to them last week, I thought it would be fine but it wasn’t. It was the worst it’s ever been. My heartbreak is beyond belief.

I have a plan moving forward. I need a salaried job and while I know I can get one, my brain is not what it used to be. I think I’ll snap back once I’m living on my own again. I can do certain types of data analysis in my sleep, I swear.

My spouse is going through a lot right now, and that comes with its own challenges, but I refuse to be gaslit and taken advantage of anymore. They DO need support, but I can’t do it anymore. Please know that they’re not a “bad” person - they’re scared and I don’t think they know what’s going on. They need support I can no longer give. This is a nuanced situation. Abuse isn’t black and white - it never is or was. (And fucks sake - don’t any of you call the police - my spouse is a black queer person who is trying the best they can and I fucking love them. We are separated and they’re safe and I’m safe. Just don’t dare do it. I am begging all of you to just listen.)

*I need to put myself first and this is me doing that.*

They aren’t in their right mind right now and will likely say things that paint me in a bad light. I’m putting my truth out here to fight against this inevitability. I am definitely not faultless (a relationship - even a dysfunctional one - takes more than one after all), but I deserve more. I don’t believe that I deserve more but I do and I’m trying to believe it.

I am seeking a divorce from my spouse and going no contact with them except for the logistics of divorce and lease conclusion. Any attempts to contact me on their behalf will be construed as siding with my abuser.

This is a recent realization. I need time to process. Yes obviously I see a therapist. If you contact me and I don’t respond, please know that I’m safe. I’ll try to send my contact info to people before I delete this account."

--

Since then, I've come a long way.

It has come clear to me that much of the emotional and narcissistic abuse was intentional and that they need serious help if they want to stop emotionally abusing other people in the future. It takes time to realize, process, understand, recognize the patterns, and move forward. For both victims and abusers alike.

I am healing.

I never want to be with them again. I hope they find peace one day.

They fucked me over financially with their lawyer (confirmed this morning, and I have been recovering since that phone call - my finances have been the worst of my adult life since I left, and after growing up in a family that financially struggled, I hate that they put me in this situation). After putting me through all of that.

I absolutely gaslit myself through much of our relationship.

I am more stable every day DESPITE the emotions. I will never betray my body or self by not listening to my emotions. My anger is justified. My grief is justified. My joy is so so so real. My health is improving. I am going to succeed despite it all.

--

It's so surreal.

[malloryrowinski]

It’s hard to believe I even have to explain this but if you have a friend who’s in a domestic violence situation/abusive relationship and you’re cutting her out because she comes to you for advice but “she just won’t leave him” and you’re tired of hearing about it, you’re subhuman and what you’re actually doing is siding with the abuser and helping him by ostracising her. Hope this helps

[aro-in-danyl]

Eve Reincarnation!AU

*He/she/they pronouns for Eve

Eve was bored. Heaven's wonders could only entertain her for so long. And she was sick of the pity and condescension.

For all that Lucifer was damned to the hell he created for his actions, he at least had Lilith with him to bare the burden.

She was not so lucky. Adam would sooner die a second death than take accountability. And the angels regarded her alone with mixed pity and suspicion.

Adam thrived in heaven, but it stifled her like nothing else. Eternal peace was stagnant; she missed Earth and eagerly watched the planet and her descendents antics with curiosity.

It was her who first put forth the idea of reincarnation. But Sera, bewildered by her desire to leave heaven and wary of having her alive after her first fuckup (honestly, eat one fruit and they never let you forget it!), dismissed her.

It was just her luck that Adam, who ran his mouth faster than his brain could keep up, bragged about getting the Seraphim to agree to his yearly hell extermination where her request had been rejected.

And wasn't it just grand that it was supposed to be a secret? Wouldn't it be a shame for that to get out, right, Sera?

Her reincarnation request was approved. She was the first and only soul to be granted this. Per her request, heaven would be barred from viewing or interfering with her new life.

And it was wonderful! They had a new life, a new name, a new gender! And no one to hold them back and say 'remember the apple, Eve?'

Then they died. And back to heaven they went, unknowing of their past life as Eve. Until Sera accousted them before they'd even made it through the gate.

Sera conjured a glowing white apple and offered it to them. Their curiosity had followed them to this next life so they accepted and the Seraphim smiled sardonically and said, 'Welcome back Eve.'

But they. weren't. EVE! Not anymore. Or at least they were not JUST eve.

But being the only soul to reincarnate, the angels just didn't understand that. Nor would Sera care to, she allowed Adam and Eve's requests only if she could ignore the consequences.

The human who once was Eve, decided to reincarnate again. Anything to escape their dreary eternity in heaven.

And then he died. And Sera offered him the apple, said, 'Welcome back Eve' and on and on the cycle continued.

He tried to lead his next few lifetimes into sin, maybe in hell they'd get at least some of the excitement she'd loved from Earth.

She had no clue how she kept getting into heaven. Over the course of several different lives, they'd committed all sorts of sins. And yet it never stuck.

So they struck a deal, and in his next life, she finally got what she'd been craving.

Eternal Entertainment.

Welcome to hell, Alastor.

[bonebabbles]

Scenes like this keep cropping up and I cannot help but roll my eyes all the way back into my skull

Don't worry guys, having NEW children fixed him. This famously teaches a violent man to stop hitting kids and makes him no longer feel the need to construct nightmarish scenarios so he can humiliate and embarrass those he has power over. Men whose wives produce lots of babies for them are Very fulfilled and Understand how strong bonds are supposed to be

"Instead of advising him he'd been defensive" is a REALLY INTERESTING way to phrase "got so offended at the suggestion to stop murdering women for their land that he shoved his son's face in a festering wound and told him to leave him to get eaten by maggots."

I wonder how they'd spell something like, "walked through a patch of thorns so that his son would be in physical pain and then belittled him for finding an alternate route because he wanted him to suffer" and "lied directly to his face about why he abandoned him when he realized the child could be useful"

[mousemannation]

serious post time. concerning some thoughts ive had about zverev at LC. nothing too heavy but under the cut in case u just wanna scroll past.

i was talking to my mum about this and i think most of tennisblr share the same sentiment towards him so im not gonna be saying anything too radical. Its also not going to be super concise because im mostly spitballing here.

I was just thinking about how we talk about him and how we as a community navigate his presence on tour. I know that there's a vindictive joy that comes with seeing him lose that's especially potent since he basically got away with domestic violence scot free.

Seeing him lose is a good feeling because he clearly cares a lot and it feels like winning that he's upset, but it also doesn't actually mean anything in the scope of things. Obviously on some level if he lost enough he would no longer be relevant but it's inescapable that he is, unfortunately, very good at tennis. He's number 2 in the world. Call him a choker all you want, he's still vastly more successful that 99.9% of all tennis players.

But it's also just sport- a game. It's not the outcome of the match that amounts to anything outside of a very small community of people; its the celebrity, the money and clout and hero worship. The fact of the matter is it doesn't make a difference to the women he abused if he wins a match because he still abused them and he is still famous. He will always have been famous, even if he retires tomorrow. They will still interview him, laud him in press, put him in ads.

I just sometimes think- what right do I have to feel vindicated by his losses? To weigh his literal actual crimes against the outcome of some silly ball game? In a perfect world he would not be playing, he would be banned by the ITF and shunned publicly by his fellow players. He would not be invited to Laver Cup.

I won't say I don't look at tournament draws and hope for his early loss, but at least at tour events that means an early exit. I can't find it in myself to care if he wins or loses at Laver Cup, not really. Because he will still be there, he is still part of the team, he is still on the bench. It doesn't matter if he wins because he's still an abuser people paid thousands of dollars to watch play a game.

[crippled-peeper]

disliking specific real life trans people for their abusive or hateful behavior isn’t transphobia or transmisogyny lol

[littlepawz]

I understand...but do YOU?

[amoxicillin-tangent]

how to leave a cult & stay out (long post)

i know this isn't my usual brand, but i felt the need to make this post given the fact that my poetry journey started as an exploration of emotions after i left the cult i was in. i know a lot of my followers initially followed me for that content, and i wanted to write this in case anyone needs it.

some background: the cult i left was a small evangelical patriarchal cult with a commune-type living situation. i am afab, with little to no family support and no college experience. i live in the US. i have no experience with anything outside this situation, and thus, my advice will not be universal. however, i've left and stayed out of my cult for nearly a year, and i wanted to share what i learned. i remember wishing i'd had a post or a book or anything to help me know what to expect, so here's what i've gathered so far!

tws: religious abuse discussion and addiction/nicotine mentions

leaving (logistics)

work

my ability to logistically and financially separate from my cult stemmed largely from the fact that i had work outside the commune & their sphere. my first attempt to leave was thwarted simply by the fact that, at that time, i worked with other 4 cult members and had no ability to seek outside employment without raising suspicion.

however, i was able to gain permission to seek external employment under the premise that i would be able to tithe more, and that i felt this was "the direction i was being led in." i am aware that this is not the case for every cult. in fact, after i left, it essentially stopped being the case for mine either. however, if at all possible, gaining external employment is key.

if you cannot seek external employment, save every single penny you can [in cash if they check your bank statements], and submit job applications a couple weeks or so before you leave. do not be afraid to quit a job that the members have some access to in order to be in a safer situation, because that mentality will keep you tied there for longer. a script for asking your manager not to penalize you for a sudden exit would look something like this (presuming the managers were not also members or leaders of the cult):

"hello X,

i am experiencing some unforeseen circumstances and leaving a dangerous [complicated, difficult, etc.] situation. my last day will be [day before you plan on leaving the cult]. i understand that this is not a full two-weeks-notice, but due to this circumstance, i am asking for understanding. please keep this confidential, as it would threaten my safety if others knew about this."

if you don't trust your management not to blab, ask for answers from other members, or even just accidentally let something slip, it is acceptable to quit the day you leave. it's better to have a rough patch on your resume than to spend the rest of your life in a cult, and in all honesty, it doesn't really matter much anyways. a gap in your resume can easily be explained away as time spent caring for a family member or staying safe in the current pandemic, and quitting under "unfavorable circumstances" still bodes significantly better than being fired. this is, of course, all worst case scenario. most managers will be understanding.

having another job lined up immediately after leaving will also prevent a great deal of problems with this. job interviews can be completed virtually from a coffee shop you know they wouldn't visit, or the house of a safe friend or family member. in the middle of this post is a list of excuses you could use to step out for a job interview, and if that's not possible: while you're PIMO [physically in, mentally out, a term for still being present in the cult but having the desire and plan to leave] you can schedule your job interviews in advance for the days/weeks after your planned date of leaving the cult.

social life

let me start with this: your friends from before are your greatest asset. they do not hate you. they will believe you. chances are higher than not that they saw the warning signs before you ever did. i can guarantee you a vast majority of them have been waiting for a phone call from you since the day you joined saying that you planned on leaving.

if your family was not abusive, toxic, manipulative, or connected in any way to your cult, they can also be an asset. however, tread carefully with this. you don't want to hop out of the fire and into the frying pan, so to speak. moving out of a commune and back into an abusive parent's house can cause more trauma in the long run.

if there is any sphere where you can connect with people that your cult does not have access to, utilize it. i found friends online, at work, and through mutual friends of people i had met before i joined the cult. even if you work with other cult members, if there are any non-members in your workplace, you can still make an effort to befriend them. if questioned by your cult, you're just trying to convert them.

being friends with someone doesn't mean you have to confess every detail of your plan to leave. you don't even have to mention your plans. friends can be a safety net even if they don't know what you're going through. choose carefully who to trust, but don't shut everyone out either.

housing

if you live with your cult, finding housing is an immediate priority.

the biggest mistake i ever made was my refusal to couch surf for fear of being kicked out or "becoming a burden."

your friends aren't nearly as troubled by you as your cult would have you believe. in fact, to this day, if a member of the cult i left were to come to my door asking for refuge, i would open my home to them without a question. your friends would rather see you on their couch or in their spare bedroom for a month than ever watch you go back to the place you left.

the first time i ever left my cult, i went back because i feared i was burdening the friend i was staying with. it wasn't until she called me sobbing that i finally realized that i wasn't the burden; my absence was the burden. taking up space is not a crime. no matter how much the cult tells you otherwise.

if you can't immediately find an apartment due to credit issues, age, income thresholds, etc, extended stay hotels are an option if you have no friends to stay with. the price ends up being equivalent to the cost of room & bills at an apartment anyways. this is a temporary option, during which you can take the following (vaguely unethical but often necessary) measures to hopefully secure a more permanent situation:

find a friend who's good at photoshop and invent some pay statements. [if possible, try to make them from scratch based off an existing pay stub of yours. landlords, especially of large apartment complex chains, recognize the common templates.]

you might have better luck getting approved [and/or getting away with forged paystubs] at a smaller apartment complex, specifically the ones you can't find on google. you may have to drive around and physically look for these complexes.

look up second-chance apartments

apply for any and all government aid you may be eligible for

work overtime or a second job to make your pay stubs appear greater. this is a temporary measure only; stressful, but worthwhile in the long run.

look on roommate-finding websites! a lot of people won't require credit checks, formalities, etc. a horrible roommate is still generally less of a pain in the ass than, oh, i don't know, 12 horrible roommates who are watching your every move and reporting back to the people in charge.

look for subleasing situations on websites like Craigslist as a last resort. take precautions, don't meet anyone alone, etc.

https://www.apartments.com/ ^here's the website i used to find my apartment before i left. it has a lot of good filters. delete your browsing history afterwards.

if you don't live with your cult, the moment you separate, you should file and enforce a restraining order if you feel even the slightest bit comfortable doing so and consider changing apartments within your unit, moving houses if feasible, etc. invest in an alarm system, a vicious-looking animal, a deadbolt, all the security measures you would take if you were being stalked. which brings us to our next point.

privacy

if they're monitoring your bank accounts, open another one in secret if possible or keep as much money as you can on a Pay-pal card, Visa card, etc. funnel as much money as you can into these accounts without arousing suspicion. the moment you leave, immediately cancel any account they may have access to and withdraw all money from it.

keep any incriminating items in your bra and/or undergarments. at all times. this includes vital documents [social security card, birth certificate, etc.], cash that you're hoarding without their knowledge [gross but necessary, keep it in a ziploc and sanitize it with a lysol wipe], etc.

have all mail that would reveal your escape plans sent to non-member friends or a P.O. box.

the day you leave, inform HR at work that your presence in the building should not be disclosed to anyone. change shifts if you can, park your vehicle elsewhere and uber from close parking lots to your building, or take steps to make your vehicle unrecognizable (remove telltale stickers, add new stickers with topics you have no interest in, add new rearview mirror hangy thingies, even remove seat or steering wheel covers if you have to. they might remember your license plate, but at very least your car wouldn't be initially recognizable.

if they have access to your location, do not turn this off until the moment you leave. when you do, do so quickly and on every possible platform. this should coincide with password changes for any account that can be used to trace you (email, Google location history, maps, apple/icloud, Find my IPhone, Life360, Airtags, bank accounts [use cash until the account is cancelled if they know about it], vehicle GPS)

if you have an IPhone, you will automatically be alerted if an unfamiliar Airtag is following your location. If you have an Android device, download "Airguard" or a similar app which will serve the same purpose. at very least, this will give you peace of mind.

a burner phone is an absolute necessity. you can find them at walmart and the combined cost of the phone and prepaid card is usually less than $100 [USD].

clear your browser history. change contact names of all non-member contacts to the name of someone you're in the cult with and delete the texts. people hardly ever check phone numbers if the contact name isn't suspicious to begin with. add parentheses beside contact names with [deceptive] information about who they are.

example: i had a non-member friend saved as "Karen (Boss at Amazon)" in my phone. that way if i got a call, i could play it off as a work call and step away.

packing/preparing to leave

lie and tell them you're organizing things. this is a GREAT excuse to have everything you own in pre-packed storage bins. under the bed is a good location to keep things. the less you act like you're trying to hide what you're doing, the better.

keep clothes on hangers for easy access. when you're packing to leave [presuming you can do so in secret], just grab them off the hangers and shove them into trash bags. don't worry about neat. just find a place to put shit and haul ass.

it's okay to steal shit but don't steal anything valuable at all or anything terribly noticeable. the last thing you want is them having evidence for legal recourse against you.

if there's food, take food. i lived off a tupperware full of chicken salad i stole from the cult for a solid 4 days. bring medicine with you regardless of whether or not you "have a good immune system". even if you don't think you'll need it, you'll need it, i promise.

it's better to leave everything and get out with your freedom than take all you own and get caught. that being said, if you have a feasible way of taking everything, do that. the last thing you want is to be so financially fucked that you feel like your only hope is to go back to them. [it is NOT.]

if you need to relay information to a non-member contact in a safe and private manner while with people, have them call you and pretend to be a business. for example, i had my secret debit card mailed to a friend, and i had her call me pretending to be the bank and read me off the number so i could put it in my apple pay. this could also work as far as pretending to talk to your boss or coworker [i.e. "Yes, I can take that shift starting at 10am" = "Yes, I will meet you at X location at 10am", etc.]

playing it off/excuses to be gone for apartment hunting or other leaving-related matters

doctors' appointments

[a minor medical issue or procedure can be a really good way to get out repeatedly if your cult allows access to medical care. i only know this because i had a real, diagnosed ovarian cyst but i proceeded to make up several appointments for it that were actually apartment complex visits, so.]

illness

[make this season-appropriate and believable. flu in winter and spring and late fall only. don't do COVID unless you can realistically forge a rapid test and trust that they won't make you prove it with a PCR. i don't advocate lying in any other circumstance, but once again, this is not an ethics class. cults play dirty, so can we.

promotion at work/added responsibility

[only works for so long before they try to make you quit the job, but it can make a good excuse in the interim]

car troubles

[visits "to the mechanic"=time out of the house. "car overheated/flat tire/locked out of my car/lost my keys"=good excuse for being late to events/being gone longer than expected]

ill family member

can give you two or three days to "be out of town" if needed, and/or time to go "see them in the hospital" or "care for them" over the course of a few weeks, especially for a chronic issue or an injury that would render them unable to walk and thus in need of consistent care.

[no, this will not bring a curse on your family or "manifest itself," that's magical thinking. if you argue about this in my notes on a post meant for cult escapees who are already struggling with religious trauma i'm reporting you <3]

leaving

pretending to be "late" to a church service is a good tactic if the services aren't held in the same area as where you're living. i told them i was running late from work and in reality i was at the commune house away from the service throwing all my shit in my car.

the second time, they had already caught onto that trick and started driving me to services directly so i wouldn't have a chance to leave. if this is the case for you, 3am is generally a great time to leave. usually night owls go to bed around 2am and early risers get up around 6am, so 3am leaves you with 3 hours to gtfo and an hour of buffer in case anyone stayed up late.

i was living in a room with four other women, so i had to be very, very skilled as far as not waking anyone goes. think critically about your roommates' sleep habits if this is the case for you in your cult. i made sure to walk closer to the bed of the heavy sleeper.

walk barefoot if taking the "middle of the night escape" approach. even if it's cold. if there's snow, you may have to keep your shoes by the front door/window you're escaping from if you're having to make several trips back and forth. wear non-slip socks if you must wear socks. if the socks get wet, take them off. a great way to attract attention is by leaving footprints everywhere, or by busting your ass and getting caught because a lamp broke.

a great excuse for being up late to leave is that you're feeling sick to your stomach and need to be close to the bathroom. fake a v*miting episode if you have to.

don't leave letters. don't send goodbye texts. leave some stuff behind if you can, especially blankets and the like to make it look less empty in your living space. my cult didn't even realize i was gone until 12 hours after i left because they thought i'd just gone to work. that's 12 hours of time where i wasn't being looked for, which made me a whole lot harder to find.

block EVERYONE. as soon as you possibly can. once you're out of the direct cult location, pull off into a safe place where you won't be immediately found and block anyone who is directly there or who could be persuaded into attempting to contact you on their behalf.

after leaving

try not to be alone, if you can help it. now's not the time for self-work. if you know loneliness might trigger the desire to go back, don't get lonely. hang out with friends all the time, go to clubs [responsibly and safely], take extra shifts at work if you can. try to hang out with your coworkers, i think like 80% of my friends back then were people i worked with. they might not be the best friends you ever had, but this isn't about making forever connections. it's about not going insane from loneliness.

online friends are also great! i had/have quite a few who helped me immensely in the months after i left. if you're the kind of person to stay up late when none of your other friends irl are awake, online friends with opposite time schedules are *chefs kiss* lovely. join discord servers for your interests if you aren't sure where to start with, but some discord servers can be toxic asf so don't be afraid to abandon a groupchat if it's too much.

don't pick up habits if you can help it. one habit turns into a million, especially when you're this vulnerable. i smoked a single cigarette as an act of rebellion and two years later my nicotine addiction can be directly traced back to me self-medicating my anxiety.

that being said. and i am toeing the line heavily between realistic and ethical here. but. if i had to choose between staying in the cult or having a nicotine addiction, i'd choose the addiction. i can break an addiction without having to change my account and routing number, soooo. yeah. take that as you will.

post-cult agoraphobia is real. don't feel guilty if it's hard to leave the house at first. grocery delivery is an option. grocery pickup is an option. uber eats is a thing that exists. you'll find your safe places & start to feel less threatened, over time.

idk if this will help anyone else, but i personally benefitted greatly from making a comprehensive list of shit they told me not to do and doing it anyways. please do not endanger yourself in this process, but. fuck it! i dyed my hair purple. i did a shitty job, but it made me happy. i kissed an embarrassing number of people. i came out as a lesbian. i adopted a cat. i wrote a book. i found myself through losing the pieces of the cult until the pieces of me filed in and took their place.

if you can help it, try to avoid the physical location or even the city the cult is located in for awhile. i understand the morbid urge to keep visiting but don't, if you can help it.

nostalgia is a BITCH and a LIAR. that cult leader was not your replacement mother, she is a bitch. the other cult members are not your brothers and sisters, they are traumatized brainwashed individuals. don't try to save them, either. if they reach out to you for help that's one thing but now's not the time to be a martyr.

most importantly: breathe. i used to physically look at a clock and talk myself through every minute on the very bad nights. just "one more minute. i can survive one more minute." it's fun to watch it grow to two minutes, then five, then an hour, and eventually you realize you're not counting your survival in increments anymore, and then one day you realize you're thriving. but be nice to yourself in the interim. it's been two years for me and i just now don't feel like i'm drowning anymore.

please reach out if you need more advice/someone to talk to. you don't have to do this alone. i believe in you and you're gonna get out and stay out.

you will survive this. i promise.

[coochiequeens]

For all the younger ladies watching news coverage of O.J Simpsons death don't let the media constantly repeating he was found not guilty of the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman gloss over the fact he was an abuser.

[morgan-angel]

I can't take it anymore.

I feel so alone. why. Why am I so fucking alone.

Sorry for my bad English in advance. I'm french and I'm still learning the language.

TW : Vent

I'm 19 y/o. I'm a trans boy (ftm), and I'm an artist.

I'm hella traumatized. I suffer from : 19 years of bullying (14 years of bullying in school btw, I'm bullied in my home too) ; emotional, psychological and sexual abuse (and assault) ; parental abuse, parental neglecting ; severe loneliness ; I have no bedroom for myself, no privacy at all ; I'm sequestered at my home (litteraly, I don't have the persimmon to go out) ; I have no friends to hang out with, no socialisation at all ; I have TOO MUCH mental illnesses.

My parents don't want me to go to school (because they're ultra possessive and they don't want me to go out of the house (we're not in a big city so I have to moving out to go to school), I don't have a job, I don't exercise, I just do anything.

My little brother is literally the favorite. He's working, have a lot of studies going on, and can go out when he want too. I just can't. Why me.

Of course, he's also suffering but why it has to be ME.

My mother suffer from domestic violence (from my father). My brother and I are joint victim of it. And since I don't have a bedroom, I HAVE to listen to everything.

Also, being trans and gay is horrible. My mother is in a litteral cult with christianity. I can't even cut my hair short or wear something seen as "masculine". Or else, I litteraly got heavy PTSD. They don't listen to me and my emotions. I'm severly neglected. Abused. Bullied. Even my fucking dogs are traumatized 'cuz they're hit by everyone in the family except me.

I can't even socialize when I go out with my parents. Everyone is looking at me with a weird look. Because I'm neurodivergent, and got so much issues. I walk, talk, act differently. People don't want to talk to me.

I'm so hopeless. I want to live, and to leave. Please... I want friends. I want friends. Nobody look at me and think I'm special. Think I'm fun. Why. Why me.

I just want to LIVE.

[bbqhooligan]

im a different anon talking about kendrick related matters, but i need to tell someone about something that's been really bothering me

so obviously everything that comes out of drakes mouth is bullshit but there's a specific line in family matters that's been really irking me

the one where he's like 'where is your uncle at? cause id like to talk to the man of the house' the implication being he's talking about kendricks trans uncle. and like. wow drake what's so funny about that. what's so funny about the idea of a trans man being more masculine than kendrick. what's the joke in comparing kendrick to a trans man. enlighten me, drake, on the comedy in this line. id love to know.

it's just been really bothering me. it's not outwardly transphobic maybe, but man.

oh he ABSOLUTELY wanted to call him Kendricks "aunt" and THEN say "the man of the house" you can smell it. its basically a "youve failed at manhood so bad this X woman is more masculine than you" joke (the same angle he took w kennys wife) that correctly genders the uncle only in word.

it IS transphobic on paper too btw without even reading into it as its most simplified form is "even your TRANS UNCLE is manlier than you" which is yeah. straight transphobic lol.

im sorry man no way out drake i guess you gotta kill yourself to repent

[vizthedatum]

I remember seeing the flyers for domestic violence in the bathroom whenever I’d go to urgent care.

I usually would be getting in to check if I had a UTI

It was the easiest way to get antibiotics on short notice

Or to be validated in my IC diagnosis!

Anyway

I’d think to myself -

Well I’d dissociate first -

And I’d think

That’s not my situation

They’re not physically abusive

I’m not scared of my best friend

They would never hurt me

And my body would plunge into more pain as I left my urine sample for the nurse

[euthymiya]

Is no one else going to talk about how dark kinich’s first character story is???

[puppybong]

ill be like oh it’s not that bad & then i visit my parents and suddenly my chest fills with ice

[returning-to-her]

Hi, followers and friends.

I'm helping a friend leave an abusive marriage. I've created a go-fund-me for her in my name. I'm asking for help if you can.

If you enjoy my writing and the posts I share on this blog, I'd love some support in this women’s adventure. This is an opportunity to help women find safety and security.

I will update as things move forward.

- Laura Rose Radice

[lightofraye]

Why The Victim Stays

A general list as to how the process of abuse goes and how and why the victim ends up staying a lot longer than any of us can ever understand.

Why the victim stays:

1) The abuse doesn't begin right away. Sure, there might be red flags, but these are so often romanticized in popular media that the average person doesn't recognize them for what they are.

2) The abuser looks like an awesome person to everyone close to the victim.

3) The abuser isolates the victim by coming up with reasons for him not to spend much time with friends or family.

4) Alternatively she may impress the victim's family and close friends so much that when the victim begins to complain to them, they'll take her side.

5) She may devise ways to get pregnant despite the spouse's wish--such as lying about being on birth control.

6) She will move things along very quickly, saying she loves him within the first two weeks of the relationship, moving in together, etc.

7) When the abuse begins, it will be very subtle. It will involve gaslighting (making him feel crazy), such as dimming the lights or moving things around and when he comments to act as though it didn't happen.

8) There will be small put-downs. She may hide it as constructive criticism at first, but there will be a sting to it each time.

9) When he tells her he finds this hurtful, she will use a combination of gaslighting and hearts and flowers apologies.

10) Things will get worse over time. There may be sexual coercion and physical intimidation. He will begin to feel as though he's walking on eggshells around her, but when he tries to turn someone close, he will either have no one due to the isolation, or they will take her side.

11) He confides to someone close, if there is someone, that he's thinking of leaving her. That person, if taken in by the abuser's charms, will point out all the things and how he just has to bring those out in her again. The victim agrees, he doesn't want to be one of these people who just throw away relationships after all.

12) But things progressively get worse. He tells him enough is enough and if things don't improve he is going to leave.

13) She will beg him to stay, say she can't live without him. She may say she will kill herself. Se may imply that she will kill him (and/or their children).

14) He stays. As always, things seem to improve for a little while before getting worse than before. He is afraid of her. He tries to spend some time away from her to think more clearly but she accuses him of cheating. He attempts to leave one day and she frightens him so much, either with physical harm, threats to do so, or threats against the children or pets if they have them that he stays.

15) Women in abusive relationships try to leave an average of seven times before finally succeeding or being murdered, and they are mostly to be murdered while trying to leave or shortly afterward. (I am unable to find statistics for male victims. There needs to be more research!)

tl;dr Victims don't leave because of the cycle of abuse, because of society, because they fears for their life.