#nd vent

[unstablemotions]

Thinking about how different my life would have been if I had been treated for my adhd at any point and that I might have had graduated with my masters degree and practicing as a licensed psychologist, have a stable social life and a routine keeping my body cleaned, fed and healthy and my home tidy and clean

I will forever mourn the youth I could have had. The life I might never have. I am trying to stay alive and fight to get help, but my body is tired of treading water and the black bottom of the sea is feeling more and more like peace

[iwillbreakyourfuckingskull]

i hate having to pretend to be happy because my intense emotional pain is a result of something 99.9% of people would find pathetic and laughable. yeah i felt like i was stabbed in my heart and i cried myself to sleep for a week because i am in love with a fictional character and also i am another fictional character from the same manga. no i can't just "grow up" or "touch grass" and become a normal person who goes on dates with real life people. i am mentally ill and it shouldn't be an insult or shameful to be

[purrsongs]

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

[iamshmolphrog]

cough cough, ahem.

AUTISM is not like THIS:

with the "bad" autism on one side and the "okay" autism on the other

AUTISM is like THIS:

A SPECTRUM! IT'S AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER!

[tofu-bento-box]

// serious post

here’s the thing i don’t get: people tell you to communicate your feelings, and then react negatively when you feel something they don’t think you should.

i’m ill in six different directions: my feelings are mostly negative and generally illogical. i get upset for reasons that i know don’t matter in the bigger scheme of things. but i can’t express that anger or hurt, because then people think that i am selfish, and entitled, and a bad friend. on the other hand, though, i’m also bad at hiding my feelings, and saying you’re okay when you clearly aren’t is also rude. so it’s just a constant struggle between “how much can i say to make this person feel that i’m answering truthfully, without them deciding i’m a selfish asshole.”

people tell me that you can’t rationalize away your emotions, and then react with disgust when i can’t do that for “the things that matter.” i’m upset. i know i shouldn’t be, i’m upset that i’m upset, but you sitting there judging me isn’t exactly going to help the situation. i know that whatever’s going on with my friends is more important than how it affects me. but then what does selflessness look like? is it not being upset in the first place, or is it just hiding your expression of your hurt? am i incapable of being a good friend because i can’t keep myself from feeling things i shouldn’t?

i just don’t get people sometimes. it’s like everyone has a rulebook for what’s allowed, and they just forgot to give me a copy. i get told communicate, communicate, communicate, over and over, and everyone forgets to mention what i’m meant to be conveying. because sometimes it really seems that what they want isn’t the truth.

[corvidaemnit]

middle school science class

my little cousin asked me to draw a dragon for him today. I remembered this instance from middle school that kind of stuck with me .. and I made this.

the neurodivergent child experience, I guess

[adhd-culture--is]

adhd culture is *save as draft*

you do NOT call me out like that!

[mezzbians]

they need to be vaporized now

[ciderjacks]

ngl I was ranting to my friend about this but I think the worst part of becoming physically disabled for me is not the shock, not the pain or shitty doctors or rescheduling or confusion or fear, but the way people start fucking treating you.

I have had so many people, good people, people I’ve known for years, start treating me completely differently. And not in like an oh it’s awkward now and sometimes they ask dumb questions way. I mean they’ve started observing my every movement, trying to find some inconsistency and “catch me lying”, calling me out openly and accusing me of faking, trying to prove I’m not really disabled. More than one person who I know has done this. I don’t know if abled people understand how insanely awful that is to do to someone. I don’t know what’s wrong with my body either, but I know what I can and can’t do. The idea that they know my body better than me is already shitty. Not only that, these people who I know and have known (often for years), are now telling me to my face that they think I’m the kind of person who would do something like faking a disability for attention. like are you fucking serious? Did you always think that low of me, or is it just because I’m a cripple now that you feel comfortable assuming that?

The main reason I’m avoiding getting a wheelchair even though my crutches aren’t working well for me anymore is because it will get worse. I can take most ableism, that attitude is not one I can take easily. It makes me nervous to exist in public, makes me nervous to do what’s right for my body.

Like, it’s disgusting, it pisses me the fuck off. How dare you treat me like I’m not a person anymore just because I’m disabled. And don’t pull that “well it’s hard for people to accept” bullshit. Shut up. You think that’s hard? I was a physically healthy person who went on walks everyday before this. Do you want to imagine being 17 in the middle of senior year and randomly losing that, and having no idea why, as it slowly progresses and doctors keep being useless? Does that sound awful to you? I bet it does- so then imagine you go through that, but the whole time your best friends and family are standing there and instead of supporting you, they’re obsessing over your movements and telling you to your face with no shame that they think you’re a lying attention seeking asshole. Imagine how terrible that would be. Imagine how betrayed you’d feel.

Idk, I wanna emphasize again that the people who do this are good people, because y’all seem to not want to acknowledge how normalized this treatment of disabled people is. You see it in media, comedy, conversation, everywhere. Abled people don’t want us to exist, so they accuse us of being fake and it seeps into everyone.

[480pfootage]

guess who got on testosterone this week

[unstablemotions]

going from "i am a very smart person with an incredible memory who's extremely academically gifted" to realising that i actually have pretty fucking bad dissociative amnesia and a below average working memory and that my mental disorders and other neurodivergencies disable me to such a degree that i had to drop out of uni and can't hold down a job either. i get overwhelmed and exhausted by everyday things. i can't remember important information. i have meltdowns, flashbacks, dissociative episodes, moodswings, anxiety attacks, suicidal episodes *constantly* over just normal parts of life. i am so fucking tired. i am tired of being disabled. i am tired of the fact that there's no treatment options for me in my entire country. i am stuck in poverty and forced to live as a fragmented person reliving my trauma every fucking minute of my life. i am never gonna be able to have friends. i am never gonna be able to live out my dreams

[autismcultureis]

autism culture is wishing you had the sort of autism that makes you really smart or sweet and likeable but you're just a cunt and that's definitely not even the autism's fault (off anon because i'm hoping someone will take pity on me and pretend to want to be my friend only for it to fall apart immediately)

.

[y-vna]

Ty for 400!

It may be 1:30am, but honestly, I just felt like I wanted to write this. Thank you for 400 followers!! That's crazy. I'm super thankful, and honestly, it means a lot to me! <3 super excited for more to come, I hope my moodboards rn are up to standards!

I'm not tagging anyone this time since I don't want to disturb everyone every time I write one of these. Just know all my mooties and idols r amazing, and I love them. You guys know who you are, ily 💕

Just a boring text post for this milestone post cuz I can't be bothered rn ahh

Teeny Itty bitty vent in tags since I can't get my life tghtr rn erm! Don't feel pressured to read it, idrc ig?? 😭😭

[bunnighost]

[bmi10000]

if you really want it, starve

[avpdpossum]

ah, the neverending cycle of disappointment of finding a person who makes good autistic content only to find out that one of their most popular posts talks about how evil narcissists are, my beloathed