#quite bpd

[thankgod4pattsu]

I feel alone and scared.

[shit-im-bpd-too-now]

[standing-on-rupes-altai]

i’m so incredibly tired of human relationships being transactional, and of me trying to constantly figure out what it is that people want from me so that they don’t leave me.

it is always the same. an intense connection, hours talking, opening up, getting closer; the other person wants more (which in almost each and every case means: something physical) and i open up and say i cannot give them that, after which they close off and suddenly are no longer interested in nurturing the connection. their care for me is always conditional.

so i always have to walk this thin line between wanting for them to stay, wanting for this connection to be genuine, wanting to actually for once in my fucking miserable existence have a meaningful human connection, and knowing that if i don’t give them what they want, then our connection will mean nothing.

i’m just honestly so drained, so so tired of this. sometimes i wish i was still a child and sex was not expected of me. i wish i was a child who could make friends and deeply connect and share things and spend time and wonder and ponder about the universe and watch tv shows and laugh and joke and just have that true connection with someone. no transactions. no conditions. 

i’m really starting to believe this doesn’t exist at all, and i’m the only fool that will open up, let you in, share with you, want to spend time with you, while expecting nothing in return.

i’m tired of being abandoned because i’m not useful enough.

[remuziguezz]

Is it C-PTSD or Quite BPD?? Who fucking knows.

[adustoflove]

Born to be clingy and obsessive, forced to be cool and nonchalant about things

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i only get along well with ppl who would’ve been lobotomised in the 1950s

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I'm sorry I let down my guard.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[borderlinebelle]

🗣️🧠

Has anyone ever taken a stimulant for ADHD and it cured your manic mess but simultaneously erased your creative joyful childlike wonder at the world and your interest in the people you share it with?

💊

Am I cured or broken indefinitely to better suit “adulthood”?

🙃

As I wade through the vibrant and manic mess that was the BEFORE STIMULANTS and I look out onto the starkly dull and muted tones of the AFTERS STIMULANTS… the pendulum swings and I violently and obediently bend with it.

🫡

I can balance my budget now. Proficient in punctuality and productivity. Finishing work projects that used to take weeks? EASY. Calculating and efficient, I am almost unemotional as I smash through barriers that once kept me at a stand still for weeks.

🥇

The counter balance to these super abilities is glaring:

👀

1. I find it difficult to produce an ounce of creativity.

2. I am colder, more calculating.

3. I find empathy over other people’s emotions a far off tingle of familiarity I reach for and only brush.

4. I find even accessing my own emotions to be difficult.

5. I find little pleasure from completing tasks just a dull and far off ✅ that reminds me of pleasure but has none of the organic material.

6. I lack spark behind my eyes.

🗣️🧠

In conclusion, the video I filmed for today’s YOUTUBE launch felt… soulless and lacking. It felt disingenuous. I wasn’t talking to YOU, my mental health friends. I was just … talking.

😪

TO BE BRUTALLY HONEST: I’m unsure how to proceed with the channel, with my content… with my identity outside of MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL … I feel really really defeated if I’m honest. I’ve spent my entire adult life in survival mode and for the first time, on this new medication, I can see dozens of strategies to LEAVE SURVIVAL and CHASE AFTER THRIVE… but I didn’t think it would COST ME… my personality, my creativity, my identity.

🔎🤷🏽‍♀️

Idk but, I guess .. that’s the way with these things. Mental health, medication, stabilization…

🫥

Mental health isn’t “pretty and punctual” so said my producer tonight. It can ALSO be “imperfect and valuable”. Nothing is a perfect science, everyone is just doing their best I guess.

😮‍💨

Fighting your own brain 🧠 daily, hourly, weekly, monthly, yearly is exhausting work. I’m so deeply proud of everyone out there choosing to fight another day. I hope to continue being as brave and resilient as you all are.

🫣

It’s 12:00am. I’ve officially missed the “NEW VIDEO EVERY SUNDAY” standard I set for myself and I have to admit I’m taking it very poorly and I feel pretty defeated, but I had to come let the few who support my cross platform… that I’m sorry I couldn’t get there today.

🫀

Returning to YouTube after being run off by a parasocial making very real threats years ago, has been a delicious dream of mine for so long.

💭

I just deactivated both my Instagram and Facebook as they were both just reminding me of this missed deadline, of this empty channel, of what feels like a failure. In the age of comparison and competition, TO BE A HUMAN IS NOT EASY.

😬

So I’ll regroup, recoup, lean into coping mechanisms, touch base with my therapist + psychiatrist… and keep trying to find a way through.

💙

Thank you for your interest in my content.

🥸

I appreciate you deeply.

🫶🏽

I anticipate that this hopefully … won’t be the end.

🖊️ xoxo borderlinebelle

[feralforeignfox]

Need to bite someone so hard I draw blood.

I need to mark someone to make sure the whole world knows that they're mine.

Need to taste their blood and have it fill my mouth.

[cluster-b-culture-is]

Cluster b culture is being scared of getting into new relationships because people get upset when you tell them your diagnosis. How are we supposed to know if they're safe to tell unless we bring it up?

.

[sawtual]

speaking of misinterpreting my faves, since saw x is coming out soon can we all pinky promise to not accept amanda being sadistic as anything supported by canon. its so rampant in the fandom (specifically bc of dbd fans -_-) but it has 0 canonical backing. literally watch saw 2 and tell me shes a sadistic monster. IN FACT GO WATCH ADAMS DEATH SCENE AND SAY SHES SADISTIC. MY GOD

the only time shes ever shown happy to be inflicting death on someone is kerry and eric. both people she absolutely considers complicit in her ruin, and also fucking cops 😭 like come on of course she hates their guts. but even kerry she still gives a pretty immediate death like... its just insane how her trap victims will just die instantly. something to be said about her not wanting anyone to die the way adam was going to. except for eric which imo speaks volumes for how cruel she views leaving someone alone in the dark to die slowly.

i just really think we should use our big analysis brains and look at amanda from that point of view rather than Sexy Woman Kills People. guys shes so much more :( but she is also sexy. ok? shes sexy and tragic.

[thankgod4pattsu]

I’ll never live up to your expectations.

[cringefailroboguy]

@ people with BPD

Just because your disorder got relatively destigmatized in the recent years doesn't mean that you get a free pass to be ableist towards other cluster Bs

We all have similar and intertwined symptoms and ultimately we are all equally subhuman in neurotypicals eyes when our disorders get the better of us. We should stick together instead of dragging each other down

[traumatizeddfox]

[remuziguezz]

I can not tell most of the time if I'm really being dramatic or not. Due to trauma and shit it I always think I'm being dramatic even if I react a little bit. Like someone could say the most hateful things to me and I would like to cry and shit and be hurt then be like "I'm just being dramatic". I think I'm scared if I set my foot down on something I'll just be proven wrong and seem selfish and shit. The last thing I ever wanna do is hurt the ones I love.

But if someone says something about my friends and/or family that's a whole different story. I will set my foot down and tell them off. I have no shame of putting people in their place if it's for other people. But when it comes to myself I second guess everything and guess if I'm even allowed to be upset in the first place.

I'm sure this has something to do with one of the disorders or illness' I have I'm just really not sure which one. But I know this was caused by gaslighting and manipulation. Mental abuse effects someone so much. Like I might think this way the rest of my life. I can never trust myself fully. I'm guessing this is a BPD and/or PTSD type thing.

[xerospaced]

If anyone, esp anyone diagnosed Autistic, wants to validate a very autistic but very not diagnosed chick who has done tonnes of research over years that like... my autism is valid even tho the system of diagnosing autism in adults (esp women, especially black women) has failed her...

I wouldn't say no 🙃