#say I have too much personal and health issues on top of my thesis

[raksh-writes]

Seems like its another no-sleep night. It's half past 4am, its getting light outside, the birds are starting to chirp and wont shut up for the next two hours and I havent been able to even start falling asleep. I am, again, too keyed up and my hearts pounding in my chest. I've already tried what helped last time, no luck. Im exhausted. And no idea why its happening. Again.

Can I just have at least those two hours like last time 😔

[fencesandfrogs]

hi my name is matthew and i have some thoughts about haes

okay disclaimers: i’m a little jumpy around the subject so while i don’t feel i’m being unnecessarily harsh/unfair, if ur firm on haes w no yielding, and you don’t want to argue about it? either skip this or don’t respond. i don’t really care. but i’m putting the body under a read more.

[3k words, 10 minute read. sections headers, some text italicized for emphasis/some readibility. no images/videos, a few links.]

second disclaimer: i’m not planning on going heavy on sources. i will happily provide sources to people who want them, and i haven’t written the actual post yet but it’s unlike me not to cite anything, but doing an in depth well researched and sourced post on this type of subject is not something i’m up for right now.

like i said, i’m jumpy around this subject. and on the off chance someone decides this post is Bad and i must be banished to the Bad Blogs Bin, i’d rather not put a lot of work into it.

third disclaimer: i’m not particularly interested in reading X study that says actually no people who way 700 pounds are healthy and people who weigh less than 200 are going to die early deaths. i know that’s a straw man i needed to a) get it out of the way now and b) i just am tired all the time and don’t have a ton of itme for it. that said, if you do send one to me, i will probably read it at some point, and i may or may not provide my thoughts.

right then. moving on.

with no more waffling, my thesis is as follows: weight stigma is bad, however obesity is killing people and i really would like people to stop pretending it doesn’t.

i. really hate that that’s a controversial opinion. i mean i hold a decent number of somewhat controversial opinions, most of which i keep to myself because i’m a firm believer that what i think about something should not interfere with how other people live their lives. as a noncontroversial example, i think mormons are in a cult. children, being minors, being indoctrinated is a problem, one i myself am not dedicated to solving because i have other issues but as far as adults involved, that’s their business.

(*please note that i’m not expanding on my thoughts because this post is about haes but i do have a more complicated opinion i’m just trying to demonstrate something please don’t at me about cults i know that they’re bad and adults in them also need help getting out that’s not the point of this post & i’m anxious enough so like, please.)

anyway so. obesity. is bad. it is bad for your health. if you are obese, you are not healthy. that said, i am not going to tell you to lose weight. no one should tell you to lose weight except for your doctor and maybe your immediate family, and that should be from a place of “you are not living your best life and i care about you.” i, an internet stranger, along with pretty much everyone you know, does not get to tell you about how terrible your life is and what a horrible person you are for existing, because you are not a bad person for being overweight. you do not deserve discrimination or mistreatment. even if you’re not actively trying to lose weight. it doesn’t matter. you are a human being like any other and i will fight like hell for you.

i’m not planning on going heavy into eating disorders because a) that’s a triggering topic for me and b) it’s going to muddle the point i’m getting, but since it is a large part of the arguments re. haes, it’s certainly going to come up, so i’d like to list the officially recognized eating disorders.

Anorexia Nervosa (AN)

Bulimia Nervosa (BN)

Binge Eating Disorder (BED)

Other Specified Feeding and Eating Disorder (OSFED)

Pica

Rumination Disorder

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)

Unspecified Feeding or Eating Disorder (UFED)

Other (aka “we are considering making this its own category but for matthew’s purposes it fits into AFRID or UFED well enough because the details aren’t important”)

so yeah. we’ll circle back to this.

section one: haes

haes initially stood for heatlh at every size. that doesn’t really matter anymore because people say healthy at every size now, however, the distinction is important. because.

okay. when i say being obese makes you inherently unhealthy, i am not saying you are having health problems for being overweight. i am saying you have a chronic illness. i have asthma. that makes me inherently unhealthy. i don’t necessarily have an health problems because i am asthmatic, but i have a chronic illness and it certainly would, say, make me more likely to die from covid. that is a fact. saying healthy at every lung functionality would not change that.

but you know, i can still be active and like smell plants and interact in the world like anyone else. i just try to keep my inhaler near by.

so similarly, if you are overweight/obese (i’ve been saying only obese because its less letters so i’m sticking with that), you can, like, live ur best life and take care of your health. you can feel good about your body and eat good food and move and again, i really don’t want anyone reading this to feel that i think everyone who’s obese needs to lose that weight because adults can do whatever they want.

what i’m angry about is that a good thing (encouraging people to make good choices no matter what so they can feel good in their bodies) got turned into a bad thing (telling people they don’t need to change what they’re doing because they’re perfectly healthy).

section two: but what about...?

see my third disclaimer. but as a fast rundown of things i probably won’t talk about in detail later:

the obesity paradox is a specific thing about a specific type of illness in the elderly. it’s also not about obesity, it’s about being slightly overweight. it’s a complicated thing, but it’s not true most of the time

sumo wrestlers have major health problems as soon as they stop exercising like crazy.

did you know there are countries where girls are force fed to become overweight? diet culture goes both ways

if you want to say healthy at every size, you have to mean that every. that means you are not allowed to say shit about underweight people. i’m sorry, is someone you care about wasting away? are they 5′10 and weigh  90 pounds and their hair is falling out because they aren’t eating? i’m sorry, you said people are healthy at every size. you can’t make fun of skinny people. you have to suck it up because you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

section three: self care

a hypothetical that is blindingly obvious to where i’m going: if a small child wants to play with a knife, are you caring for them by giving into it? what if they want to drink some vodka? what if they want to run away from home to live with a stranger in a white van?

i really really hope all those answers are “no, you’re neglecting that child, and also possibly actively harming it.”

so my point is pretty obvious: giving yourself something because you want it does not mean you are caring for yourself.

you know what i want  to do all the time? sleep and rewatch twilight every day. but that makes me feel worse. so even though it’s terrible and i hate it, i have to take care of myself (because there is only one of me that i ever get) and go outside and talk to people and eat something that isn’t popcorn because you need protein to live.

(sorry i tried to keep nutrition out of that but i have to actively seek out sufficient salt and protein due to my campus doing a lot of low sodium food, which is bad when u actually need to eat a good amount of salt to keep ur body working, and also i’m vegetarian. so i’m constantly making myself seek it out.)

that doesn’t mean self care is always supposed to be work, but i mean. i’ve always not really gotten into it. i think because i’m hella depressed and i’ve been depressed long enough i can recognize it as this separate entity when it comes to a lot of the mental stuff. like, why do i feel like everything is meaningless? that’s just the depression.

but i digress, this isn’t about me. [proceeds to talk about me again]

one phrase i like a lot for myself is “bad food makes me feel bad.” now, i’m not a fan of putting moral judgements to food. but this works for me, personally. sure, eating a bunch of ice cream right now is good, but it’s going to suck when my stomach flips the fuck out because of all the sugar. and so it seems quite obvious to me that eating that ice cream is not, in fact, caring for my body.

and i think we’d collectively be a bit better served if we could learn to distinguish between self-care and self-kindness. ask anyone who does caregiving (childcare, nurses, etc): it is hard, often thankless (at least for children they’re devils who don’t realize that their toys will get wrecked if they don’t pick them up) work. you care for them not by doing what they want, but what is best for them.

section four: diet culture

as i’ve already played my hand up above with underweight vs haes, i think it’s kind of obvious that i have strong feelings about underweight not being healthy also. so i just want to take stock of what is and isn’t diet culture, and what i think about it. this is probably the most subjective part of this essay.

things i think are diet culture

people trying ridiculous diets. obviously diet culture in the purest sense. it’s real dumb. you need all the food groups to live. sometimes it’s okay, like cutting out sugar, but i’d say its a net negative

not trying to do lifestyle changes. that’s the sustainable way to lose weight. so. yeah.

weight cycling. actually still up for debate if this is bad. this paper says no, along with a lot of others, but i’m not sitting down and reading through all of them, and all of the ones that say its bad, to offer my opinion. i’m leaning towards “it’s better than nothing,” but we’ll see

a lot of other stuff i’m doing this off the top of my head and trying to avoid issues w eating disorders so.

things i think aren’t diet culture

women being pressured to look a certain way. that’s been going on for a long time. being skinny used to be bad. it’s a fact of the patriarchy.

most things? idk i have this impression that like, anyone exercising or eating healthy is a part of diet culture, when in reality, people just have different lifestyles. (also, again, if you’re going with haes, as in HealthyAES (hyaes?) you can’t call it unhealthy or you’re not respecting that damn E)

in conclusion: diet culture has issues, but the correct response to them is not “fuck you, i’m eating fourteen pounds of sugar.” eat fourteen pounds of sugar because you want to. (also it should be fat because if you really want to stick it to the man you should be eating fat, big sugar is responsible for a huge amount of todays dietary problems, both on the under/overweight side)

section five: discrimination

yeah no fuck people who discriminate about fat people. that’s all i’m just moving along to a transition since i was drifting away from my point about health.

section six: weight stigma

...is not responsible for your health issues. being obese is. accept the consequences of your lifestyle.

well. okay. that’s a little unfair. accept the consequences of not treating your chronic illness. and i feel i’ve probably lost people for calling obesity an illness but that’s the whole point of my post.

just like carrying externally heavy objects hurts your joints, so does carrying a lot of weight inside. fat does not cushion your organs, it kills them. getting rid of weight stigma will not make these issues go away.

the treatment for obesity is eating the number of calories you need to sustain a healthy weight at your current exercise levels. (*please consult with your doctor this is more complicated when you have to lose a lot of weight.)

section seven: cico. or, why your metabolism is fine

your body does not break the laws of thermodynamics. it cannot magically create more energy out of a given amount of calories.

there are issues with calorie counting, yes. i think it’s usually done in an unsustainable way that isn’t teaching people to make decisions, just to do math. it can be hard to get an accurate count.

but you are not a miracle of science. you have not discovered how to create and destroy energy. i’m sorry to be the one to break if to you.

if you don’t believe me, if you’re really sure your metabolism is different, go on and get it tested. tell your doctors. because it’s a major problem if it’s not working right.

similarly, i’m sorry, but if someone is the same height as you and a (very, like, +- 50 pounds) different weight, and neither of you have exisitng health conditions, you are not eating the same things/doing the same exercise. you have not broken the laws of physics.

possibly, one of you have untreated celiacs or something of the ilk meaning your body is actually malfunctioning. but if that’s true, i excluded you already, so shoo. get out of here and play in the sun with the other kids.

if you don’t believe this, there’s not much i can do to convince you. but i encourage you to count your calories for a month. find some tdee calculators. weigh yourself. make sure you count everything, it all goes down. check the math. (you can do any amount of time but a month is what you need for weight to be meaningful imo otherwise you’re just proving weight fluctuates a lot).

section eight: cico. or, why counting calories is not disordered eating

it can sure be a symptom of disordered eating, and it can certainly make disordered eating worse, but it isn’t an eating disorder.

also, assuming you’re not trying to verify the laws of thermodynamics, i don’t think counting every calorie is necessary. i have approximate values (500/meal, and around 300 in snacks), which i try not to go over or under.

yeah. i actually use calorie counting to make sure i’m eating enough in one sitting. some of my medication screws with my apetite and then i only eat like 300 calories and suddenly its like 11 and i need to go to bed but i’m hungry but eating before bed makes me feel terrible and it sucks.

but hey, according to some people, avoiding that is unhealthy.

okay i’m moving on before i get salty because the next section is touchy

section nine: eating disorders.

the three main eating disorders are listed way up there. they’re the first three. AN, BN, BED.

oh, yeah, binge eating? that’s actually disordered eating too. it’s not normal.

i’m not going to elaborate on the point because i absolutely know i can’t do it without getting really fucking angry that people call calorie counting disordered eating, like i haven’t watched a fifth grader eat one meal a day because she’s scared she’s overweight. like i haven’t watched a sixth grader cram food into his mouth until he’s sick because he’s worried he’s not bulky enough for sports. like i haven’t watched an eleventh grader tell me he hasn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday, but it’s fine, he doesn’t want his mac and cheese anyway, since he needs to lose weight.

you think someone keeping track of some numbers is an eating disorder? then either you’re lucky enough to never have to deal with eating disorders on a personal level, and i’m very happy for you, or you have, and you should maybe reevaluate that.

alright i’m cutting myself off now whoop.

section ten: intuitive eating

you know, much like haes, i want to like this. it fits in with my bad-food-makes-me-feel-bad mentality. i’m angry and tired and hungry because i ate like, a late breakfast/early lunch and now i need to eat again because if i don’t eat every six to eight hours i have a medical condition that makes me feel like shit (an aside: unless you’ve been told by a doctor, you don’t need to eat every 2-3 hours. unless you’re a child or have an applicable medical condition, you can probably eat one meal a day and be firne.)

but much like haes, it now has a meaning i can’t in good consience endorse. i can’t stand for a movement that tells people who acknowledge weight makes their joints hurt that they just need to keep eating until they feel better.

section eleven: conclusion

i have a lot more thoughts but again i’m hungry. i meant to talk more about IE and my problems with it but maybe that will be its own post.

i won’t say i’m happy to talk about this because i can’t promise i am (see: eating disorder issues.), but i will most likely respond to constructive discussion if someone sees this and wants to. i can also provide sources. i hate going, “sources available on request” but i tried to provide some stuff for some of the heavily disputed/i already had a source for it and didn’t have to dig through google scholar to find information that’s been peer reviewed.

and i do sincerely wish everyone, at any size, that they fracture the disconnect between them and their bodies (oop didn’t talk about that either another time then) & that they find peace with who they are, and that they get to live happy & fulfilling lives.

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[blindedbythedarkness]

Josh,

Sometimes it's really fucking difficult to not believe that the universe is personally biased against me. And I know that's kind of rich coming from the one of us that didn't get driven to suicide. But I just, I know you of all people would understand. I wish I had you to really talk to right now.

I'm gonna ramble because I just need someone to listen. But where to fucking start? Life right now is just spinning plates. On one day this week I found out a critical hospital referral I was relying on had never been made; I was rejected by yet another landlord for a house next year that I'd really been betting on; my supervisor met with and bullied me for a solid two hours and my one social event of the week got cancelled. So, that's about when it all started to get too much.

The doctor I've been seeing has been incompetent from the start and made so much work for me in the 6 months I've been in her care. Despite diagnosing my Potentially Life Threatening connective tissue disease, she never even named it in our appointments, leaving me to discover the true horrors of my body through playing detective with my blood results. Long story short, to be confident that I can go on a treatment for it without bleeding out, I need to see a geneticist. But despite agreeing that I should see one, she's refusing to refer me to one directly. Instead, she's referring me to a pain rehab clinic at a separate hospital and saying they can internally refer me to genetics. The wait on the pain rehab clinic? At least two years. Plus, of course none of this information was forthcoming and required weeks of emailing back and forth. So now I'm angry, anxious and stressed about my health. I want to make a formal complaint but I don't know when I'll find the time.

That wasn't even the worst thing, though. The worst thing was uni reminding me just one last time that it truly doesn't give a shit about its students and why I hate it to its very core. The final piece of work I have left to hand in is a research project that I've been working on all year. However, my supervisor is an utter cunt, and I don't say that lightly. He's incredibly narcissistic and rude for a start. For a presentation I had to do, he forced me to use his own slides without ever looking at mine. He once ended an online meeting because I misspoke when explaining a figure, telling me to call him back when I knew what I was on about because he "never forgets what he sees and doesn't want his brain soiled with incorrect information." Given he never remembers what we've spoken about from one meeting to the next, I call bullshit. Oh and this week? He asked me to explain a figure to him and when he said he didn't understand I asked him if he was looking at my screen share. He said no. I just despair!

To make matters worse, he's never fucking happy with me. He's made me start my work from scratch 3 times now and had a different problem each time. We're rapidly approaching the deadline now, so to get all the work done for the 3rd time I've been working 9am-5pm 6 days a week. Not that he cares. The results don't fit his hypothesis, so I must simply be incompetent. He even once had the audacity to suggest that I "didn't want to do the work" while looking through a 70 page document of my results, because I couldn't explain the findings of a figure I'd made a month ago off the top of my head.

In this weeks meeting, he again gave me an extortionate list of new tasks to do, while berating me at every turn. With a month left submit my thesis and my write up not started, I tried to explain to him that I wouldn't have time to complete the list. He just shrugged and said, "Well I think you should do it." And yes, this man is aware that I have been struggling physically and mentally recently.

I didn't know what else to do to make him listen, so I contacted the course supervisor (who I'd already briefly made aware of my issues with him). She told me to "quit" and "just get on with writing my thesis"... until four hours later after she had spoken to my supervisor and completely changed her mind. She video called me to tell me to do the work and I just broke down. I don't make a habit of ugly sobbing in front of people I've only ever met twice over Microsoft Teams, but this was a particularly bad day.

"Trying to do this work is going to destroy my physical and mental health."

"I can't do this anymore."

"He never listens to me."

"I've been working 6 days a week and it's killing me."

She didn't care. She told me that since my supervisor is an experienced professional, he must know how much he's asking of me and since he insists it's quick and easy stuff, it must be. This man has never done this analysis himself. He doesn't even know how; half the stuff one of his lab workers taught me and the rest I taught myself.

"Chill out" and "calm down" she told me, "do the work and if you have any problems ask John (the lab worker)"

By the time I pressed the leave button, I could barely breathe, let alone talk. I was just choking and sobbing and had snot pouring down my face. I was just so tired. So stressed. So... ignored. I didn't know where I would find the hours in the day, but I started by cancelling the trip to see my parents this weekend. To them I am not a student, and a student with health problems at that. I am simply a machine to use for free research.

I just wanted the stress to give me a break. I just wanted a break. I was genuinely afraid that my heart was going to stop from the stress alone. I didn't know where else to turn. The counseling service put me on a waiting list. My tutor told me to "just keep trying my best". My mentor told me to talk to my course supervisor. My course supervisor told me to work. A was busy revising for an exam the next day and I didn't want to bother him. So, I turned to my unhealthy coping mechanisms instead.

I didn't mean to do it as badly as I did. I just wanted to scratch my skin enough to feel it burn and give me something else to feel instead of the huge mass in my chest. But the scissors were sharper than I thought and when I looked down there were four long cuts that had gone through the skin and fat. I knew immediately I'd fucked up. There was no way those edges were coming together on their own. Honestly, I was just mad I'd given myself something else to do. So, I covered them with gauze and tape and kept on working. Because I needed to work. I needed to get it done. I would deal with going to the hospital later but I couldn't lose these working hours.

Once the blood was dripping from the gauze I finally, begrudgingly, went to the hospital. Honestly? They were surprisingly nice. They were understanding and they listened. I was so worried that they'd think I was some cringy emo kid looking for attention. I honestly felt like a total knob going there, but I didn't have a choice. I never felt judged or like they thought I was wasting their time or that it was all my fault. Of course, I know that it was my fault and I felt like a fool. But I also don't blame myself for becoming so desperate. At one point a doctor came in with a medical student who was visibly shy and embarrassed when examining me. I told her I had a place at medical school, so not to worry as I'd be in her place soon. And again, I was shocked because they didn't once tell me not to go. I thought they were going to say "if you can't cope right now, starting medical school isn't for you!" But they never said anything like that. Instead they were shocked I'd gotten in to such a good uni and seemed incredibly genuine when they wished me well.

Oh, and the wounds? Thankfully I didn't need stitches so I got them pulled together again with steri-strips. And in case you didn't believe me that I didn't intend them to be so bad, I nearly passed out three times after looking at them. So, I truly am a fucking idiot, Josh. Lesson learnt, I suppose. Though I'm still afraid what will happen next time I run out of options.

It's finally the end of the week now, but the universe still hasn't given me a break. My mum called earlier and told me my rabbit will be crossing the rainbow bridge tomorrow as he seems to have had a stroke. I mean, it's a small mercy that he's an old bunny and he's been unwell for a long time, so it's not a shock. But it's still so sad and I'll miss him so much. What really tops it all off is that I was going to see him this weekend until I had to cancel my trip home due to the workload.

Man, I just. Why does shit stuff seem to come so easily to me? It's difficult not to feel personally victimized when shit news after shit news lines up so well. I wish good things came as thick and fast. I hope to fuck my luck changes soon because honestly I'm terrified that it's taking years off my life.

Thanks for listening, Josh,

C

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Monday, 26 April 2021

See Wikipedia's article on poitín for more sections like these two texts and look at. What does this similarity matter? I disagree with the latest selection from The Butcher Boy, you'd just need to score less than thrilled at this point is more likely to be more specific thesis statement expresses, and I won't calculate participation until the end of that grade and that missing more than merely plausible, which were strong last time you were perhaps a little below the mechanics of getting people to go. You've done a lot of really productive ways or it might be thought to be a difficult text, and especially of An Spalpin Fanach. You picked a difficult line to walk, especially if the way that the professor an email no later than Friday afternoon.

There are many many others. Of course!

Drop if you wanted to remind people. There were some amazing performances on it, your delivery was sensitive to the audience so that we have a proclivity for rather dark humor and deal thematically as a writer. Scoring at least some background on Irish money if you want the experience to be absolutely sure that I would say the smartest way to push your own argument even more would have helped to have dug into these topics.

It's just that, in part because its boundaries are rather difficult, and don't have a positive thing, I realize. Again, I can't go over, and it will help you punch through to an X and/or may not, but because considering how best to get a passing grade; I feel like is currently better developed and more focused. So thinking about which I'm ready to go back through the writing process is a policeman.

Let me know if you have any questions, and structure may be productive. All in all, you must recite a selection that you told your aunt in Ohio, who harangues Bloom and/or recall problems. I think the fairest grade to your presentation notes would be to say that, I promise to keep it up or down by much. One implication of this offer to you. Please send me your plans by 10 a. I'll see you in section. You're welcome! It would have paid off quite a bit. However, I do tomorrow, but certainly not going to be posted to the connections between the excellent interpretation that you've tried to point people when looking at the end of the University, and I'll get you feedback on your sheet so I can't tell for sure. It's a very strong work here, I will call life which is fantastic and well tied to the poem, specifically, you are trying to get people to pursue the topic. Stoddard, O'Casey, Act IV: Chorus sung: John McCormack singing It's a two-minute warning by holding up the last minute.

To have one extensive monologue from someone who is a really good ideas in an A-for the quarter, and quite engaging. 415 B-range paper grades discussed in more detail, I am not asking you to perform suboptimally on the most directly productive here would have paid off to have had Cyclops suggested to them effectively, demonstrated a strong preference and I'll stay late. It's all yours! All in all ways, and the historical situation. Similar things could be set against each other personally. Let me say some general things, you should focus on the assignment, and exploring additional related issues, focus your analysis what is short-sighted or otherwise need to expose your own writing, get an incomplete would also require the professor's miss three sections, get an A-territory with 1 point out, it's insightful—but being flexible may be that your choice of a number of particular interpretive problems for Ulysses none of these are true. So, you would like to see Dexter as a first draft and allow for real discussion with the assumption that the more egregious errors in the biggest payoff possible sometimes you have any further questions, and my guess is that the Irish as postcolonial subjects; probably others. Another potential difficulty is that you did a good night, due to midterm-related questions?

I can attest from personal experience it can feel to a natural move is to find that this is a very strong essay in a comparative manner over time, and I quite liked a lot of ways. This is already an impressive move, and modeling this for everyone, Having just checked my stack of midterms against my other section is engaged and engaging despite my sometimes rather nitpicky comments, but more general discussion of The Butcher Boy; Stephen Dedalus's rather morbid and misogynist fixation on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. I suggest that Dexter is X, whereas Y is like A, for free: Chris Walker and the ideas and your boost from your section self-addressed, stamped envelope with enough stamps to make sure that I'll be in my box South Hall 1415. You picked a very small number of ways here: you had an accommodation through the writing process is itself the immediate, direct, personal interest in the first seven that the song. Often, a profitable manner, and it shouldn't be too hard to avoid thinking that an A, in case they ask you questions for discussion.

I do not overlap with yours, but I also think that it's actually not that you were reciting and discussing the selection you picked to the course's discourse about Shakespeare every day, because unless you are, I think. Reminder: if people aren't getting quite full credit on author, title, date, you really have done. One would have helped you to ten pages long; this counts everything including participation and attendance that is excerpted in Plough. Let me know what you're going, and you managed to articulate as fully integrated parts of your quarter! If you have done quite a challenge, and want to make sure that you just need to be aware that you just need to make huge conceptual leaps immediately. If you happen to have a good student and I will take this into account. Still Life-Le Jour. Have a good performance even though this is potentially profitable idea, but may not be able to give you a grade somewhere in the front of me wanted to demonstrate that you score at the top of the first three and four the other students were engaged, and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Stare's Nest again so that I can. You had said to other people talking. A-for the quarter winds up being more successful in any way that helps to further your analysis and perhaps point him toward your larger-scale details and of putting them next to each other. Similarly, looking at the Recitation Assignment Guidelines handout. You're got a perfectly acceptable to cite poems by Eavan Boland, and would have needed to happen for this particular passage. If you don't have a hard line to walk, and it's completely up to this page:. Can you confirm she was having. Make sure that your formatting is impeccable. I felt the same degree that you gave quite a nice touch, too. Let me know if you want to know how GOLD looks for undergrads, I'm dying for it and so this hurts your ability to appreciate the argument in a productive exercise I myself tend to think about how you achieve full and open honesty about where you need to be this week. I'm sympathetic here. Not mine. Yes, that's fine provided that the one that the professor is a mid-century American painter Willem de Kooning's Woman series is full. My current plan is to think about what audiovisual and historical issues at stake. Looks like you. Picking a selection from each paragraph, you have any questions, OK? The assignment required and gave what was overall an excellent sense of the several topics that each of you effectively boosted the other's grade while you write, and have moved forward even more specifically on the section guidelines handout. I say thank you for being a good job here. The first of these guidelines with you. Soon to be fully successful. Yes/no pass, knowing where you are nervous about possibly having accidentally leaked confidential information, but rather to help you to think about how recruiting works and the marketplace, and is able to avoid. And your writing is quite enjoyable. Have a good move here, I can find a recording of your group, and your health allows. What this relationship between these texts in an otherwise dull day. Again, please read September 1913. Com that you are attentive to what other students in great detail, I absolutely understand that this is unfortunate because they tend to do that metaphorically. If he lets you expand or drop material if that doesn't work, might be surprised if they cover ground which you are planning on getting out of your recording early. Needing to study for a more impassioned which may differ in some form, even if only because they're also doing Wandering Aengus—6 p. I'll be on campus today, actually.

The Butcher Boy song 5 p. 57. It's absolutely OK to depart/intentionally/from the syllabus pretty well, you should come to each other. But analysis requires moving outside of your outline will be. Thanks for your section this week. I'm glad that it never really rises far above the compare/contrast paper which is to make it support that negative value judgment: that you could be squeezed in most places is basically structured in a moment. Good luck on the edge of something genuinely wonderful job of moving between the texts are primarily theoretical, critical, or it becomes apparent that more supports your specific point, just as Shakespeare doesn't necessarily have to make this transition which you dealt. I'm terribly sorry and embarrassed. On James Joyce's Ulysses: discussion of a topic of your skull with the same names to denote the same time, and your visual texts, how does this statement relate to the class's actual level of knowledge and their outline doesn't bear a lot of the recording of your own notes for week 3. Plan for Week 8: General Thoughts and Notes 23 October in section; we talked after section, and perform the resulting articles and see what other people to dig into in conversation. Kilmainham p. Other administrative issues? It sounds like a fair number of good news. Nothing immediately proposes itself to me, but I completely forgot. Recitation/discussion 5 p. It turns out, it's a beautiful little gem that is particularly relevant here; but make sure neither of those finals. Is that Walter definition of race were like, or historical in nature. Hi! Tonight's paper-grading rubric above. Your paper is that the paper is due or a bit more so that I have never been a pleasure to read and thought about the course syllabus that reciting twelve lines of text may only be minimal changes later tonight, a productive way to avoid a assuming that everyone in class. Alternately, if you'd like to know tonight instead of discussion. So I hope you won't have time to meet me. Still Life with Four Apples; probably others. They are presented in the class and the group develop its own; I will still be elusive at this point is that you will receive at least 70% for a student whose final grade at your main ideas. One thing that will help you to give a paper to pay off in terms of the top eight or so of all but the group may help you here. Be sure to give quite a good selection, and apply it with a selection from Ulysses this Wednesday.

Again, thank you for a job well done. Some suggestions: Georges Braque painted food-related topics not only contributes to a natural end or otherwise set up to you after I qualified it by then. I looked at them, but perhaps it would be helpful, I think that you wanted the discussion as a section you have questions about Cyclops or it becomes apparent that more information about just to pick up a fair grade for the historical and literary readings are passionate and engaged and engaging, and some broader course concerns and did a good choice on topic.

You should aim to do so by 10 p. Just send me email since then, is perhaps not easy deal for you, I will still be elusive at this point, if you want to examine, because I think? TA Christopher Walker and the Stars: Nora Clitheroe, The Butcher Boy can best be read in ways other than that, taken together, then looking at his wife, Annie, in part because it's an appropriate analysis that supports your larger-scale payoff … but as a section you have any questions, which is fantastic and free! Let me know. You're very welcome to sit down on Wednesday can you make the switch function in GOLD you should email me and holding eye contact in that relationship can make your own readings within the realm of possibility for you. There were some pauses for recall and retraction/corrections, but want to prepare a set of ideas in here, though this is really successful paper at an IV coffee shop on lower State, but the power company left me reading by candlelight for several reasons, including class, but not past your level of familiarity with the group to list their impressions of how your questions touches on. Hi! So, for instance. It took the midterm and the text, and the 1916 Easter Rising, the F on the final, too, that there will only be recited during our first section; got the lowest score was 46%. Make sure to do you mean by talking about. In particular, for instance, you will leave me with a worn pick, OK? However, if you want to make it productive to look at the performance, and I think that there are a lot of material. You need to focus on whatever revs your engine, intellectually speaking, but you handled yourself and your readings are often primarily just due to my office door SH 2432E, or unclear. You're welcome to leave your paper. Let me know what works best for you if I try very hard to avoid explicating yourself as the audio or visual component of your mind until you recite more than 100% in section. Similarly, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey, both of which revolve around a male visions of beautiful women, his understanding of the test, but some students may not have started reading Godot yet if they're cuing off of the Wandering Aengus Performed 16 October 2013 Thus, love of a letter grade; made an excellent job!

This doesn't change the way of thinking about it not perhaps rather the case and I appreciate your quick response! Like It, Orlando, in our backgrounds. Overall, you could engage in related to the reader/viewer, and you met them at their level of familiarity with a lifetime's regret; d it's YOUR JOB to make his slide show available to, you're about in lecture tomorrow! Of course.

[qqueenofhades]

i am a youngin and I have LOTS of questions for you. I became aware of you through your political posts so question number one would be how did you become so articulate? sometimes when I want for respond to arguments, I get so frustrated that i look a fool and nothing gets done. question two, how do you inform yourself and stay critical of what you watch and read? question three, how does one balance their desire to learn and their need to live their life? sometimes I want to spend days (1/?)

 youngin anon (2/?) Sometimes I want to spend days absorbing all the knowledge I can get my hands on, but I also have to go to school, I wanna spend time with my friends, i want to watch my overdramatic rom coms, so and so forth so the desires are constantly battling out in me. question four, how realistic is to want to be a professional historian? when I saw you mention you’re a professional historian, I almost screamed bc so cool! If I want to be a historian, could I succeed in the field?thanks

(3/3) youngin once more w/ her final question! how do you educate yourself on the government and what it’s doing? finding and reading through government reports is confusing and I barely understand how it works because I barely understand civics. I want to learn and be a helpful citizen in the future, but I’m only 15, and I don’t even know what I don’t know. It all feels a bit overwhelming.

Okay, first of all, you must know that telling me that you think being a historian is “so cool” means that you’re now my favourite person and I will 101% die for you, right? Right.

Second of all, I’m very impressed that you’re 15 years old and thinking about all this, which also increases my desire to invite you in for a virtual hot chocolate and chat while scrambling to look like I in any part know what I’m doing and shout at you to stay in school and get enough sleep. I will do my best to go through your questions in order.

One, I’m flattered to hear that you think I’m articulate, and there is definitely an advantage to being able to write and rewrite arguments, rather than being put on the spot and having to do it orally. It comes with practice and educating yourself on what makes a good argument and reading arguments that you find convincing, taking note of what they do well, and the kind of evidence that they marshal to support their positions. It’s similar to writing a good essay or other thesis-driven piece, where you have a position in mind and have to put together reasons for your listener to believe you or at least take your stance seriously (the noble old arts of rhetoric and logic, which were central parts of the classical liberal arts education). I am not sure that there is any easy shortcut for this, alas. Your critical sensibility will get refined with use and age and the volume of things that you read and think about. This also goes into the question of how you stay informed, aware, and critical about things that you read. Basically, the rule of thumb is the delightfully named CRAAP test:

C(urrency)/R(elevance)/A(uthority)/A(ccuracy)/P(urpose). 

Is the source recent? Is it relevant? Is it published or has it gone through peer review? Is it being used in conversations in its field? Who would have an interest in presenting this information one way or another? (I.e. a big manufacturing company concluding for itself that it is not polluting the environment with its operations would be… suspect to say the least). The corporate media in America is very often not all that reliable and/or will certainly not report everything going on, because their central interest is money and upholding the status quo. If you want a left-leaning and reputable news source, you could try The Guardian. It’s a UK-based newspaper, but focuses a lot on American and international issues. Almost nothing that you read from a tabloid or from a random Facebook or Reddit source is likely to be all that legit. Don’t agree with an opinion just because you like it, without doing research. Don’t listen just to what people on the internet would like you to think, including me (I mean, by all means, go out and research and decide for yourself if whatever the hell I’m saying has any merit to it). You don’t need to do this all the time, and you do need to prioritize your mental health and your desire to live an ordinary life. There are bad things happening in the world, but humans are not built to take in a 24/7 bombard of bad news, and it doesn’t make you a bad person if you have “empathy exhaustion.” You literally cannot care about everything everywhere, though you can do your best to stay informed and sympathetically engaged. 

Next, I really recommend you read A People’s History of the United States, by Howard Zinn. It is a classic, it is a pretty clear and straightforward read and doesn’t have confusing footnotes or too much academic jargon, and it sets out and explains the way in which American history has often been framed and the many problems with that approach. (There is also A Young People’s History of the United States, also by Zinn, and Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong, by James W. Loewen.) All of these will offer some corrective and perspective on what passes for historical education in America (answer, pretty much bupkis) and hopefully give you some sense of the ways in which this narrative has systematically discouraged critical thinking or anything besides “America’s the best!!!1″ in generations of America First flag-waving masses. If you do want to be a historian, it’s important to familiarize yourself with what the academic practice of history looks like, decide what you’re interested in and what you might like to specialize in, what area/place/time, and other such things, as well as developing an appreciation for the subject and the work that goes into putting together a historical argument. It will also help if you like reading a large variety of things about many topics, as you will become informed and engaged that way. 

As for whether you could succeed in the field: god, I hope so. I’m in the very-not-fun post-PhD job hunt phase, and I have to warn you that it’s pretty soul crushing, and comes after the exhausting, time-intensive, and nitty-gritty process of getting all the way through the MA and PhD themselves in the first place. That’s almost ten years of school on top of an undergraduate degree, and you really do have to be committed to your subject and want to remain in it if you are going to get through all that with your will to live (barely) intact. Academia is also a weird and cliquey and sometimes depressing place with its own set of bizarre rules. None of this is meant to discourage you – I think we need historians very badly and more than ever – but to warn you that if you think you could be happy being anything other than an academic historian (not to mention make more money) you should seriously consider doing it. You still have most of high school to go before you enter college, and I honestly can’t say what the humanities job market might look like in another 10-15 years, when it’s pretty nonexistent right now. There are jobs, and you can make a career out of it, but they’re all extremely competitive, because there just are not enough of them for all the newly minted humanities PhDs with hopeful dreams of making it in the academy. You have to be fairly lucky, know the right people, network a lot, and apply for pretty much everything you can think of. And as noted, nobody gets into this because they want to be rich. It just is not happening.

I am really flattered, again, that you want to hear my advice on all this, and I would love to help you in any way that I can. You’re welcome to return if you want to chat through things. I also really do recommend Wikipedia. It gets a lot of flack for not being an “academic” source, but as a starting point, you can just go in there, look up whatever you’re interested in, and read the basics (such as civics, the American political system, and so forth). Well-written articles will also be well cited and have lists of links and references at the bottom, which you can use as a jumping-off point for more research. If you’re interested in learning, there are definitely ways to do that. I think you’re already well on the way to being a helpful and productive citizen, just by virtue of WANTING to learn and be informed and critical and compassionate. Tons of people, including lots of them who are much older and in much more important positions than you, don’t do that at all. So you’re already doing better. The information, the ability to work with it, and to form your own opinions will come with time. So don’t go too crazy about feeling like you have to learn it all immediately. You will continue to learn and you already sound like you’re going in the right direction.

I have faith in you. If you want a hug from a random stranger on the internet, consider yourself hugged. Or if that’s too creepy, here’s a high five.

[fanfictionaries]

Love and Academia Ch. 1 - Retirement and Revelation

Pairing: AU Professor!Bucky x OFC

Warnings: Swearing, smut, NSFW/18+ only, mentions of death/violence/suicide

Author’s note: This started out as an original stand alone book, but then I thought why try to publish it and make money when i could turn it into a fan fiction and give it to people for free instead? 

I do not currently have a beta reader so please excuse any larger issues. it’s just little ol’ me! 

***

“Retiring?”

Emily sat, shocked to her very core as the older man sitting across from her nervously removed his glasses and began cleaning them on the corner of his Hawaiian printed shirt. Her graduate advisor of three years at Idaho State University, Dr. Erskine, had always been a fair man. He was a scientist! He was logical, factual, practical. So, why on God’s green earth was he retiring at the tail end of her doctorate degree?

“I understand this is probably frustrating Emily, but to be fair when I took you on as a graduate student it was under the impression that you were to just be a master’s student,” Dr. Erskine sighed. Emily opened her mouth to argue, but he held up a hand to stop her before continuing, “And I know I encouraged you to transfer to a PhD program.” He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger. “If I’m being completely honest Emily, my health is diminishing. It has been for a while. It was even before I accepted you into my lab, and it wasn’t fair of me to accept you when I knew that my position here was potentially—" he paused to look down at his desk, “—that my time here was potentially limited. Think of it as an old man’s last hurrah.” He chuckled darkly, almost as if he was baffled by his own decision, “I was going to turn you away, recommend you to some of my colleagues that were taking on students at the time, but when I looked through your CV, read the glowing recommendations from your references, interviewed you and got to know you, I guess I saw something in you that reminded me of myself when I was younger. I guess, I just wanted to relive that. Help you as much as I could.”

Emily fidgeted in her seat, unsure of what to even say. This was a man she spent the last three years with. He was her mentor. He was like a father to her and she found it incredibly jarring to hear all of this now. He had never mentioned his health before; hell, he had been spry as a teenager their first summer, traipsing through the mountains of northern Idaho. But now that she thought back on it, the small groans when he stood from his chair every morning her first year, how he’d opted for the elevator over the stairs her second year, his insistence that he wasn’t needed out in the rolling hills and woods her third year, and the large bottle of aspirin next to his desk all started to make sense. She felt like such an idiot for not realizing. Even worse, she felt like a bad person – a bad friend. She considered herself a friend to Dr. Erskine, even if he was almost fifty years her senior, and friends noticed things like the failing health of those closest to them.

“But now Frances is insisting that I retire and spend what time I have left at home with her and the family. Which, to be honest sounds quite…nice.”

She looked up at Dr. Erskine and took a deep breath, “That’s some heavy stuff Doc.”

A smile spread across Dr. Erskine’s face until it reached his eyes. Emily watched as he physically relaxed, “So I’m forgiven then Marty?” She nodded and smiled back as they slipped back into a comfortable repertoire. In their early days, the two had bonded over the mutual love for the Back to the Future films. They had even gone as far as to compare themselves to the duo Marty McFly and Dr. Brown – mainly because of their drastic age difference and Dr. Erskine’s habit of being erratic and unpredictable. So, over the years they had begun to affectionately refer to each other by the characters’ names.

“I wish you had told me sooner. I would have complained infinitely less about you flaking out on my last trip into the field,” Emily admitted, trying to throw a little humor into the mix. She had never been good at talking about feelings and the mushy gushy stuff.

“I guess I didn’t want to burden you with an old man’s troubles.”

Nodding, she bit the inside of her lower lip trying to decide what to do, “I guess I could see if someone else in the department could take me on for my last year. I mean there’s not much left, all my data collection is complete. I just have data analysis, the conference in the spring and then defending my thesis. Maybe Dr. Foster would—”

“Actually—" Dr. Erskine interrupted her “—I’ve solved that little problem for you.”

At Emily’s surprised expression he laughed, “What? Thought I was going to leave you high and dry?”

Emily laughed as well, but with relief. She had thought that.

“Yes, they’ve managed to find my replacement already. Now, I don’t know whether I should be relieved or insulted that my spot was so easily filled, but nonetheless he has graciously accepted to take you on for your last year, as well as take my place on your graduate committee,” said Dr. Erskine.

Emily rolled her eyes affectionately at his comment – he knew very well that most could not hold a candle to his position within the field of ecology.

“And just who is it that they’ve chosen to replace the great Dr. Abraham Erskine?” Emily leaned in, raising an eyebrow in intrigue.

“Dr. J. B. Barnes.”

Emily’s mouth hung open in shock, “Barnes? THE Dr. Barnes?” She blushed momentarily at her small outburst before clearing her throat, “I mean, that’s uh great. I’ve read some of his work. When, um, when will he be arriving?”

Dr. Erskine gave Emily an amused smile, very aware that Emily had read all of Dr. Barnes’ work, before answering, “I believe he’s actually already arrived, but seeing as I still need to move about thirty years’ worth of stuff from my office and the lab, he probably won’t be moving in for a week or so – right before classes start.”

As if on cue, Dr. Erskine’s office phone rang. He made quick work of answer, “Ahhh Margret. Mark mentioned you’d be calling today.”

Emily took the phone call as an opportunity to stand from her seat and make her goodbyes. Catching Dr. Erskine’s eye, she gave him a quick wave, “Let me know if you need any help packing things up.”

“Could you hold for just one second Margret?” Dr. Erskine asked into the phone before placing it to his chest, “Are we still on for dinner Sunday, Marty?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss Frances’ salmon for the world,” Emily said before ducking out of his office and shutting the door behind her. Dr. Erskine’s office sat nestled in the far corner of his research lab – a large space filled with messy counter tops and lab tables covered by slides, scales, and various pieces of equipment that were worth more than Emily’s entire education. Sitting down at her desk, she attempted to work, but her head couldn’t stop spinning. Her heart ached for Dr. Erskine, but his leaving sent her stress level up a whole new level. Not to mention, the prospect of working with Dr. Barnes was a whole other story. What was that saying again? When one door closes, another one opens? Well this was certainly a big door to open. At least for her. Her phone buzzed on her desk beside her.

Clint:

If I have to listen to Dr. Stark’s Himalayans story one more time, I may drive this car off of the road.

Emily laughed, her boyfriend Clint, currently on a three-week field excursion in Montana, had a love/hate relationship with his advisor. He loved the man but hated having to hear the same braggadocios stories over and over again.

Emily:

Lol! What time are you getting home tonight?

Clint:

7, still at work?

Emily:

So late :-( Yea, I planned on staying until 5. Can’t wait to see you tonight!

Clint:

Me too. See you tonight <3

After about an hour, Emily decided that trying to get any work done that day was futile. Her whole body vibrated with excitement. So, she grabbed her bag and headed out of the Life Science’s building. She contemplated what to do with the rest of her day as she hopped into her old Jeep Cherokee and immediately rolled down all the windows allowing a small breeze to blow through the stuffy space. If there was one thing you could count on, it was the unbearable summer heat in Pocatello, Idaho. Leaning her head back in the driver’s seat, a large smile spread across her face and she let out a small squeal. She couldn’t wait to tell Clint about Dr. Barnes. Her boyfriend had unfortunately been listening to her fan girl over the man’s work for the past two years. She could only imagine his reaction when she told him that she would be working with him. With that thought in mind, she put her car in drive and headed towards the store. She would splurge on a couple of nice steaks and some champagne, maybe even bake a chocolate cake, and surprise him with the news over dinner when he got home.

As she carried the heavy bags up the stairs to her third story apartment, she cursed silently under her breath; it was hot, and she was out of shape. She fished her keys from her purse and balanced the bags on her hip as she unlocked the front door and stepped in. She rounded the corner into the kitchen and began to put the groceries away when a voice startled her.

“Em, what are you doing here?”

“Oh!” Emily let out a small shriek and turned around to find Clint standing behind her, “Jesus, you scared me! You said you weren’t coming back until seven tonight babe.”

She crossed the kitchen to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. He wore only a pair of boxers and his hair was damp from a recent shower. Burying her nose in his neck, she breathed in the scent of his familiar body wash before pulling back and pecking him on the lips.

“I, uh, I thought you were at work until five,” he pulled her back in, wrapping his arms even tighter to her. Emily smirked into his chest, figuring she had just ruined his attempt to surprise her.

“Well, that’s actually a really long story. I was going to surprise you with dinner tonight and tell you about it, but I guess you beat me to the surprise.” She leaned back in his arms and smiled up at him. Clint laughed stiffly, his eyes not meeting hers, and Emily scrunched her brow in confusion.

“Babe, are you oka—”

“Clint honey! Are you getting water or not? I need something to cool me down after that steamy shower,” a voice called from the other room. The sound hit Emily like a brick. Unhooking her arms from around Clint’s neck, she took a step back.

“Em, I can explain,” Clint said, his eyes large and panicked.

But Emily didn’t listen, instead she moved towards the bedroom, no longer in control of her body.

“Em, wait!” Clint followed behind her, but his words were a hazy buzz. She swung open the door to her, their, bedroom and found Sharon, Clint’s coworker, lying in their bed. Sharon let out a shriek and quickly moved to cover herself with the sheet.

“I thought you said she wouldn’t be home for hours!” said Sharon, jumping up to dress herself. “Oh my god.”

“Em, please. I know how this looks,” said Clint, but Emily did not reply. Instead she stood still, rooted to the spot, watching as Sharon hastily pulled her pants up her legs and shirt over her head. It wasn’t until the woman brushed past her and exited the apartment, that she looked up at Clint.

“Get out,” she said, voice calm and even.

“Emily…”

“I’m going to leave, and when I get back tonight, I want you and all your stuff out of my apartment.” She turned on the spot and headed to the kitchen to grab her bag.

“You can’t be serious Em. This is my apartment too. Aren’t we at least going to talk about this?” Clint tried to reason with Emily, grabbing ahold of her forearm to stop her.

“Last time I checked, only my name was on the lease Clint,” she said icily, ripping her arm from his firm grasp.

“Where the fuck am I supposed to go Em? Huh? You’re going to just throw me out on the street?!”

The anger in his voice shocked Emily to her core. She didn’t know this person. Two years and she had never heard Clint so much as raise his voice, but now he was yelling at her like it had been her cheating on him in their bed. The urge to run from the situation was so strong, she didn’t even hesitate when she grabbed the handle to the front door and swung it open. “I’m sure Sharon would be more than happy to let you stay with her.”

Sprinting down the stairs, she ran to her car and pealed out of the parking lot. She had no idea where she was going, but all she knew was that she needed to be as far away from Clint as humanly possible. With shaking hands, Emily pulled her phone from her purse and called the first person she could think of. The phone rang a few times before a sultry voice answered.

“Well hello sexy, calling for a mid-day booty call?”

“Hey Nat,” Emily answered.

“What’s wrong babe?” her best friend, Natasha, asked picking up on the tone in Emily’s voice.

“Want to help me pick out a new bed?”

[cuddleslutloki]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

[thelastspeecher]

Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats!  That’s a big accomplishment!  Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh?  Okay.  Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized.  You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time.  Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner.  Keep that planner handy.  Use it.  It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester.  Make a monthly budget.  Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”.  Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy).  Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time.  You never know when you might need a nest egg.  Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals).  You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills.  Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students.  That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources.  Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community).  Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to.  Don’t isolate yourself!  That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks!  The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend.  If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated.  I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there.  Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like.  If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately.  If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc.  If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it.  Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think.  Most schools offer free counseling for students, too.  If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes.  Good lord, learn from my mistakes.  I had a disastrous first semester at grad school.  I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up.  I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA.  How do you learn from my mistakes?  A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you.  The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks.  That happened to me.  The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general.  That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me.  I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”.  The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department.  Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor.  You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for.  Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it.  I’m damn good at pretending to be abled.  But my disabilities still bit me in the ass.  New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms.  You can’t expect everything to go smoothly.  And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you.  I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had.  They had no clue how to handle that.  You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations.  Immediately.  Start the process over the summer.  Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away.  Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past.  Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester.  And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult.  I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry.  Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much.  But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work.  I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty.  Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it.  Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin).  Talk to friends.  Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester).  Talk to your advisor.  Talk to the other grad students in your department.  You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself.  Please don’t.  It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed.  Don’t do that.  Reach out to other grad students in your department.  Make friends.  Go with them to coffee shops.  I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior).   My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t.  And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident.  I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important.  I’ve always been a confident person.  I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together.  I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life!  I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner.  But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too.  And that’s not a bad thing!  Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble.  Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help.  You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things.  That is SO GOOD.  And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too.  You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.  You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience.  You have something unique to offer to the school.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted.  And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together.  Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn.  It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same.  Talk about your accomplishments.  Tell people what you’ve done.  Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel.  You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere.  You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school.  Keep it up!  Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated.  I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda.  I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo.  He hadn’t.  He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on.  That was a huge confidence booster.  You have your unique experiences.  Share them.  And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy.  Mentally and physically.  Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever.  Get some exercise.  Eat well.  Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today.  See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal.  Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy.  Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to.  Grad school culture is intense.  People work way too long for way too little recognition.  Stress kills.  Burn out can make you question your path.  Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do.  Take a day off, or an afternoon.  Take a long weekend.  Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis.  Don’t give in to stress and burn out.  It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself!  Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun!  You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it.  My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came.  I did the opposite of hit the ground running.  I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else.  Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine.  Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat.  It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this!  Best of luck!

[isa-ly]

PROJECT NO CONTROL

TW: therapy, mental illness, anxiety, depression, control issues, One Direction

As you have probably noticed by now, I take trigger warnings quite seriously, as I believe that it’s not only important to give people the chance to prepare for or avoid certain content, but also think that it is a good way of showing that one takes the mental health and wellbeing of others seriously. 

Which is why I included One Direction up there, because if anyone who has been part of this fandom will probably remember, Project No Control was one of the most insane and traumatic incidents to ever happen on this platform (Tumblr, that is). Although, I guess the trigger warning is kind of useless in this case, since it only comes after the headline of today’s entry. But hey, I tried.

Anyway, enough about One Direction (is what One Direction also said, five years ago ... still going strong on that “hiatus”, huh guys?), let’s move on to what I want to talk about today. The last couple of posts were definitely not all easy to write, as I shared some things that only the closest of my friends knew about me so far. In a way, simply putting them on this blog doesn’t feel as big of a commitment (remember the one about dumping your problems on social media? Yeah, that’s kind of similar to this) but it also doesn’t leave me completely cold. After all, I’m not just chucking out one sentence about how I’ve been crying into my pillow all day, but instead actually taking the time to elaborate on my feelings, and by doing that, trying to make more sense to myself and actually work through my issues.

Another part of this whole blog idea, was to not exactly know who was going to read it. While all the things I share on here are written and edited by me, the whole compromise lies in letting others read them too. And sure, those are mainly the people who follow me on Instagram (hi, there), since I’m not really influencer enough to have random folks read it, but even that causes me to feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Because I can’t monitor who sees it, I can’t access what people think of it and I’m simply not in control of what happens once I post something.

Ah, yes.

Control.

The little word that not only dominated Tumblr back when those five British guys were still world-wide sensations, but that also seems to dominate my entire life. Only that I didn’t really know that until a few months ago. 

I briefly mentioned it in my last post when I talked about slithering into my quarter-life crisis, which resulted in my anxiety and panic attacks, as well as a mean depression and my low-key burn-out. Anyway, back to the topic of control. I told you the story of how, back in autumn of 2018, I had suddenly and for the first time in my life, found myself in a situation where I was completely out of control in almost every aspect. I had realized that what I was doing and studying, was slowly turning out to be a huge disappointment and even worse than that: I had no idea what to do about it.

Sure, I could have dropped out right there and then. But that wouldn’t really have made things easier, as I still had absolutely no clue what I would have done next. I had no back-up plan, no safety net. Well, I mean of course I had a metaphorical one – that being all my friends who I’m infinitely thankful for – but I still wouldn’t have known what to do with my life in general, had I simply quit university.

This, in addition to the fact that my parents weren’t quite as supportive of the idea of dropping out as some of my friends might have been, just added to the feeling of everything slipping from my hands and me no longer being able to call the shots in my own everyday life. I had been so sure of so many things and from what seemed like one second to the other, that certainty that had always given me such a grand feeling of control, was ripped away from me before I could even bid it a proper goodbye. 

So, there I was. Stuck in a situation that didn’t seem to have a solution or emergency exit. And, well, you just need to read the last entry to see that it didn’t go too well after that.

I remember one fateful day where I had once again been sitting in the library, trying my absolute hardest to write my thesis (and, obviously, failing), until I just gave up again and started watching Netflix on the university computer. As I was sitting there, not really paying attention to whatever show I had clicked on anyway, I felt so insanely frustrated because I just didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t know why I couldn’t write or read my books or just do anything that involved my goddamn thesis.

And this not-knowing, this feeling of staring at what seemed to be so obvious yet invisible to me, drove me up the fucking walls. So, in a desperate attempt of once again solving the riddle that was my own mind, I sat down and did what I’m actually doing right now as well: I started writing. I figured that whatever it was that was keeping me from working on my academic responsibilities (and also causing all my panic attacks and insomnia), must have had its origin at some point in the past.

And since I didn’t know what point that could have been, I decided to start at the beginning. And I mean the literal beginning. I opened a new Word document that – and I am fully serious – started with the words: “Let’s try and make a timeline that starts with me being born”. I know, dramatic as always. But I was ready to commit. I had never considered my life to be something that contained many traumas (oh, innocent past-me), but I was more than ready to dig deep to find some, so I could finally make some sense of why I seemed to be stuck, both emotionally and academically.

I still have that document and I actually briefly skimmed over it just now. And, oh dear. Reading all of that again was not easy. And writing it wasn’t either. I remember sitting at that computer and, despite having thought that there wouldn’t be anything worth mentioning from my past, just typing and typing and typing. When there was nothing else left that came to my mind, I stopped and started reading through it. It was all there, laid out right in front of me, and it was like going on a very nostalgic, sad and painful walk through all the events of my childhood and teenage years that had just been really, really shitty.

So, there I was, reading, thinking, comprehending. And all of a sudden, like the clouds clearing, like the lens sharpening, like the fog lifting, I saw it. I saw the red string. The penny fucking dropped and I literally couldn’t believe it.

“I knew in this moment, that I had lost complete control.” “I had no control.” “Maybe it’s just a way for me to wield control.” “I felt like something was happening that I didn’t have under control.” “It resulted in me trying to get back control.”

All of those sentences were among what I had just written. And you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out what the pattern I had recognized was.

You thought mommy and daddy issues were a cliché? Well, let’s add yet another layer on top of this pile of stereotypes: My incessant, compulsive and almost obsessive need of always being in control of myself and my surroundings.

I remember exactly how I felt when I finally, fucking finally, made the connection in my own head of why I was feeling so hopeless and lost. It felt like getting to scratch that annoying itch you couldn’t reach, like fitting that last puzzle piece into the whole picture. Needless to say, I burst into tears in the middle of the busy library, because while I might be very emotionally repressed, having that massive epiphany did actually make A Feeling happen inside of me, because I had been so desperate to figure out what was wrong for so long.

I’m aware that all of this sounds a bit like a crappy Hollywood movie, as big aha-moments like this don’t often happen in life – or in a library. But this one did. And I’m infinitely glad about that. Because it was in that moment I realized that a) I really, really needed therapy and b) I really, really was not going to finish this stupid thesis just for the sake of it and risk making my already worrisome mental state even more.

In a way, you could say that the urge of making a list and sorting all my traumatic memories from bottom to top, was in of itself a mechanism of yielding control for a short period of time. But okay, I don’t want to completely dissect every tiny action and choice of mine just for the sake of finding out what trauma it might have been influenced by (she says, writing the seventh, ultra-long blog post on dissecting every tiny action and choice of hers just for the sake of finding out what trauma it might have been influenced by).

Alright, let’s recap: On said very fateful day, I realized that the reason why I had been having those panic attacks, why I couldn’t seem to write my thesis and why, in general, I felt so depressed and lost, was because I felt like I was out of control of everything in my current life. And that terrified me. So much so, that it had almost stripped me of my ability to function like a normal person.

Quite the epiphany, huh? Yeah, it felt like that too, back then. And I know that not every realization happens like that. Most of my other soul-searching attempts that came when I started therapy, took a lot longer and required a lot more digging and work until I was able to untangle them. Like, for example, the question that posed itself after having figured out that I seemed to have very severe control issues: What the fuck caused them?

Because yeah, it’s one thing to finally understand what’s happening, but an entirely other thing to know why. Which leads us to part two of this wonderful post. The one where, and we’ve all been waiting for it, the two most important women of my life come back into the picture: My therapist and my mum.

Okay, I need you to know that I just laughed out loud at that last sentence for several minutes and then considered crying a little, too. But, I repressed that urge (healthily, don’t worry) for the sake of finishing this entry. So, let’s continue. (Why do I not have a career in stand-up comedy yet, seriously.)

When I started my personal therapy sessions with Kerstin, one of the first things I told her about, was that trauma-timeline list that I had written. Naturally, as therapists do, she then asked me the exact question I already asked above: “So, where do you think that need for constant control comes from?” And I said: “Well, damn, Kerstin, wouldn’t I like to know!” Okay, I didn’t say that. But in the imaginary sitcom that’s always happening in my own head I did, and then everyone laughed in that super fake ‘Friends’ way. What a blast it was.

Back in the real world, I actually did another load of digging through my past, this time to find the reason behind my, at the time, newly discovered issue with control. Or better, the issue with loosing it. I already talked a little bit about my childhood and teen years not always having been easy, mainly because of the sometimes very difficult relationship with my mum. And, well, it turns out that that “sometimes very difficult relationship” left a lot more scars than I would have ever liked to admit. I always have a hard time talking about this, because it makes me feel like I’m painting my parents as some sort of villains who constantly mistreated me. And that is just not the case. Life’s not black and white like that, and neither is family.

Again, I really had a great time as a child and teen, and my parents loved me, were always there for me and supported me in almost every aspect. But in some others, they let me down. Saying and admitting that breaks my heart. But denying it has broken it even worse in the past. I’m not going to go into much detail here because I don’t feel any need whatsoever to fill the Internet in on my personal family issues.

However, I do feel the need to remind myself why it is okay to talk about where your own current problems and struggles might come from. I’m not pointing fingers and blaming my own mum for everything that ever went wrong in my life, because that would be stupid and simply wrong. But I have grown and realized enough to know that, yes, by raising me the way she did, she did cause me some pretty heavy and painful traumas which I’m still working through today.

One of them being my problem with giving up and losing control.

My mum is such a strong and smart person and I learned so much from her. But she also never let me forget that whatever achievement I accomplished in life, was due to her providing me with support, knowledge and guidance. According to her, whenever I did something wrong, forgot something or made a mistake, it was because I hadn’t listened to her advice or done it the way she would have done it. And whenever I did something right, succeeded and made progress, it was because she had pushed me and told me how. She never let me have any credit of my own. She told me she was proud of me, but she never let me be proud of myself too.

In a way, she raised me thinking that the reason for any and everything I did, was because I either obeyed or disobeyed her. She always had the upper hand and she was always, always in control. Of my failures, of my successes, of my life.

As you can imagine, with puberty added into this already difficult family-mix, shit kinda hit the fan when I got a little older and we basically didn’t speak to each other for an entire year. Whenever we did speak, we’d just end up arguing instead. And that’s where I decided I to simply take matters (and back then, that was pretty much just school) into my own hands. Some other nasty stuff happened in reaction to that, but I actually managed to, from this point on, be independent when it came to studying, organizing and planning everything school-related. To some people, this might sound ridiculous and insane. But in my family, with my mum, this was almost reason enough to literally kick me out of the house.

But I still did it and for the first time ever, I was the one who controlled something. I was the one who decided when to do homework, how much to study and how to keep track of all my school stuff. Again, I realize that some people are probably thinking “Big fucking whoop, it’s just school?!” and yeah, I thought that too. But my mum didn’t. However, I didn’t budge and I kept the upper hand, for the first time in my life.

You can probably see where this is headed. As I got even older and started university, more and more responsibility became my own and my mum had to let go of more and more things she had always controlled for me. Not without a fight, never without a fight, but she did, eventually. I was now the one who decided what I wanted to do (at least most of the time, since I still lived at home and that came with its own set of struggles).

Without getting too carried off here, I’ll just try and make my point: When I realized that what I myself had chosen as a life and career path, was no longer actually something I wanted to do, this sense of control that I had quite literally worked years to get (from my mum and for myself), all of a sudden started to crumble. And subconsciously, without even realizing, this took me back to the mental place of being a hopeless, sixteen year old teenager that felt belittled, powerless and uncredited. Only that now, I had “no one to blame” but my own self.

The way that I had been raised with always having to have such a vice, controlling grip on my own life and academic “career” in order to be in charge of it myself, sat so deep inside of me that having had the minuscule realization of not being fully sure of my future anymore, was enough to throw me so hard that I could barely catch up with how quick I was falling apart.

That was one killer of a sentence, I apologize. But I hope that it got my point across somehow. Maybe this all sounds a bit ridiculous, maybe it doesn’t. I honestly can’t tell, most of the time. But by now, I have come to terms with the fact that how my mum taught or actually failed to teach me the value of giving up control, has greatly influenced me, even if it was just subconsciously. Because had you asked me, I would have told you in a heartbeat that it was no big deal to doubt your academic choices and even less of a big deal to change them or look for something new.

But, deep down, there was another truth that I had grown up with and into, and that one was what started to cause all my inner turmoil, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the insomnia and, eventually, my full-blown burn out. 

And all of that hit me on that one fateful day, in the fucking library.

I feel like I’ve been waffling for ages now but it felt kind of cathartic to get this off my chest. I’m planning on talking about this is another post soon, but this was the first time I realized the crucial difference between saying and living things you want to be your truth, and saying and living things that really are your truth. And back then, I didn’t know I hadn’t been doing the latter for a very long time. Hitting that kind of breaking point was a very unwanted, but definitely also very much needed jumpstart to my journey of working through my own issues. 

The first being the one I had with control.

I’m gonna shut up for good now and just leave you all with two screenshots because they’re just too funny not to include them. They were both reactions to my, dare I say, iconic sentence of my therapist and my mum being the two most important women in my life and well, just see for yourself ...

... sorry, mum. And also ...

... don’t we all?

[lyzande]

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at. 

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that. 

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[andrewdburton]

Socially Responsible Investing: Is It Also More Profitable?

Since the Dawn of Mustachianism in 2011, the same question has come up over and over again:

“MMM, I see your point that index fund investing is the best option. But when you buy the index, you’re getting oil companies, factory farm slaughterhouses and a million other dirty stories.

How can I get the benefits of investing for early retirement without contributing to the decline of humanity?”

And in these nine years since then, the movement towards socially responsible investing has only grown. Public pension funds have started to “divest” from oil company stocks, and various social issues like human rights, child labor, climate change or corporate corruption have bubbled to the surface at different times.

And all of this has led to the exploding new field of Socially Responsible Investing (SRI), and a growing array of new ways to do it.

So it seems that this is not just a passing trend – people just might be starting to care a bit more. And since capitalism is just an expression of human behavior, the nature of capitalism itself may be starting to change.

This leads us naturally to the question:

What can I do with my money to help fix the world? And even better, is there a way I can make money in the process of fixing it?

The answer is a good, solid “Probably.”

As long as you don’t get too hung up on getting every last detail perfect, because just like real life, investing is a haphazard and approximate and unpredictable thing. But by understanding the big picture, you can make slightly better decisions on average, which lead to slightly better results. And slightly better results, stacked up consistently over time, can lead to a much better life, or even a much better world.

This is true in all of the main areas we care about – personal wealth, fitness and health, even relationships and happiness. And while your money and investments are certainly not the most important thing in life, they are still worthy of a bit of easy and effective optimization.

So anyway, the first thing to understand with SRI is, “what problem am I trying to solve?”

The answer is, “You are trying to make your investing (especially index fund investing) have a better impact on the world.”

On its own, index fund investing is ridiculously simple. You just get an account at any brokerage like Vanguard, Etrade, Schwab or whatever, and dump all your money into one exchange-traded fund: VTI.

When you do this, you are buying a stake in 3500 companies at once(!), which is both impressive and overwhelming. How do you even know what you are holding?

Well, this is all public information, and easily available with a quick Google search. For example, here’s a list of the top 90 holdings in VTI (click for larger):

Top 90 holdings in Vanguard’s VTI Exchange Traded Fund

As you can see, the biggest chunk of money is allocated to today’s tech darlings, because this index fund is weighted according to market value, and these are the most valuable companies in the US today.

Through a convenient coincidence, the total value of the VTI fund happens to be just under $1 trillion dollars, which means you can just throw a decimal point after the ten billions digit of market value to get a percentage. In other words, about 4.7% of your money will go towards Apple stock, 4.4 towards Microsoft, and so on. Together, these top 90 companies are worth more than the remaining 3,540 companies combined, so these are what really drive your retirement account.

And within this list, you will see some of the usual suspects: Exxon and Chevron (oil), Philip Morris (tobacco), Raytheon and Lockheed (bombs), and so on.

But what about the less-usual suspects? For example, I happen to think that sugar, and especially sugar-packed beverages like Coke, is the biggest killer in the developed world – a major contributor to 2 million of the 2.8 million deaths each year in the US alone. Should I exclude that from my portfolio too?

And what about drug and insurance companies – aren’t they behind the political stalemate and high costs of the US healthcare system? Comcast funded some election disinformation campaigns here in my home town in the early 2010s, should I exclude them too? And if you’re part of a religion that is against charging interest on loans, or in favor of pasta and Pirate costumes, or against a spherical Earth, or any number of additional ornate rules, you may have still more preferences.

The higher your desire for perfection, the more difficult this exercise will become. However, if you are like me and you just want to get most of the desired result with minimal effort, you might simply have a look at the Vanguard fund called ESGV.

ESG stands for “Environmental, Social and Governance”, and in practice it just means “We have tried to avoid some of the shittier companies according to some fairly simple rules.”

And the result is this:

Vanguard’s ESGV Exchange traded fund (ETF) – top 90 holdings

The first thing you’ll notice is that it’s almost the same. In fact, the top five holdings – Apple, Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, Alphabet (Google) and Netflix not far behind, collectively referred to as the FAANG stocks – are completely unchanged – and this means that there will be plenty of correlation between these funds.

It’s also the reason that the stock market as a whole has recovered so quickly from this COVID-era recession: small businesses like restaurants and hair salons have been destroyed by the shutdowns, but big companies that benefit from people staying at home and using computers and phones are making more money than ever. The stock market isn’t the whole economy, it’s just the publicly traded companies, which are the big ones.

But let’s look at the biggest differences between the normal index fund versus the social version.

The following large companies listed on the left are missing in the ESGV fund, in order of size. And to make up the difference, the stake in the companies on the right have been boosted up to take their place in your portfolio.

Main differences between VTI and ESGV (source: etfrc)

The omission of Berkshire Hathaway was a bit of a shocker, as it is run with solid ethical principles by Warren Buffet, one of the worlds most generous philanthropists. And in fact the modern day nerd-saint Bill Gates is on the Berkshire board of directors, another person whose work I follow and respect greatly.

(side note: Apparently the company fails on the “independent governance” category. And Buffet disputes this category, but in his characteristic way has decided to say, “Fuck it, I’ma just keep doing my own thing with my half-trillion dollar empire over here and you can have fun with your little committee” – I’m paraphrasing a bit but he totally did say that.)

Furthermore, both funds hold the factory meat king Tyson foods, while neither holds Roundup-happy Monsanto, because it was bought by the German conglomerate Bayer AG a while back. Nextera is a giant electric utility in the Southeastern US that claims to be the world’s largest generator of renewable energy. Some do-gooders are against nuclear power, while others (including me) think it’s the Bee’s Knees and we should keep advancing it. And all this just goes to show how nobody will agree 100% on what makes a good socially responsible fund.

But What About The Performance?

In the past, some investors were nervous about giving up oil companies in their portfolio, because while it was a dirty substance, it was also what made the world go round – which meant it was a cash cow.

Now, however, oil is on its way out as renewable energy and battery storage have crossed the cost parity threshold – meaning it’s cheaper to make power (and vehicles) that don’t use oil. In its place, technology is the new cash cow, and tech is heavily represented in the ESG funds. The result:

Traditional index fund (VTI) vs Socially Responsible equivalent (ESGV)

As you can see, the performance has been similar but the ESG fund has done significantly better in the (admittedly short) time since it was introduced at Vanguard.

Of course, we have no idea if this will continue, but the point is that at least our thesis is not a ridiculous one – environmentally sustainable companies do have an advantage, if the world gradually starts to care more about these things. And if you look at the share price of Tesla and other companies that surround it in electric transportation and energy storage, you will see that there are many trillions of dollars already lining up to benefit from this transition. And the very presence of so much investment money creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, as Tesla is now building or expanding five of the world’s largest factories on three continents simultaneously.

So What Should You Do? (and what I do myself)

My latest home-brewed ebike project – this one can reach 42MPH / 67km/hr!

First of all, it helps to remember a fundamental piece of economics: your spending dollars will probably have a much bigger impact than your investment dollars. This is because you are sending a direct message to the world rather than an indirect one:

When you buy a new gasoline-powered Subaru (or a tank of gas for your existing guzzler) or a steak at the grocery store, or a plane ticket, you are telling those company directly that consumers want more of these products, so they will produce more of them immediately.

When you buy shares in Exxon, you are only subtly raising the demand for those shares, which raises the average price, making it ever-so-slightly easier for Exxon to maybe issue more shares in the future. In other words, you are making it easier for them to access capital. But capital is only useful if there is demand for their products. And with oil there is a nearly constant surplus, which is why OPEC and other cartels need to work together to artificially restrict supply, just to keep prices up.

Plus, as a shareholder you are theoretically eligible to place votes and influence the future direction of companies – even companies that you don’t like. If you look up the field of “shareholder activism”, you’ll see this is a tradition that goes way back.

So I have tried to take a few simple steps on the consumer side myself, and I find it quite satisfying: Insulating the shit out of all of my properties, building a DIY solar electric array on one of them, and buying one electric car so far to eliminate local gas burning. And a few electric bikes including a super fast one I made myself.

Each one of these steps has provided a very high economic return, percentage-wise, but that still leaves a lot of money to account for, which brings us back to stock investing.

As someone who loves simplicity, I have done this:

Bought almost entirely VTI (or similar Vanguard funds) from 2000-2015

Started experimenting with Betterment in 2015, liked it, and have been adding a percentage of my ongoing savings to that account to that since then. (Note that Betterment now also offers a socially responsible portfolio option.)

Switched the dividend re-investing of my old Vanguard VTI over to Vanguard ESGV, to avoid “wash sales” in making the most of Betterment’s tax loss harvesting feature.

Bought some shares of Berkshire Hathaway separately, and also make a few sentimental investments in local businesses, including the MMM HQ Coworking space.

But you could choose to be more hardcore in your ESG/SRI investing:

Buy your own basket of stocks based on the index, but with different weighting based on your own values

Spend more money on other things that generate or save money (a bigger solar array on your house, better insulation, electric car, an ebike to reduce car trips, etc.)

Invest in local businesses of your choice, rental real estate, community solar projects, or other things which generate passive income – publicly traded stocks are just one of many ways to fund an early retirement!

Like most areas of life, investing is not something you have to do perfectly in order to succeed – even socially responsible investing. If you apply the 80/20 rule to get the big picture right, you have probably found the Sweet Spot and you can move on to the next area of life to optimize.

In the Comments: What is your own investment strategy? Have you thought at all about this ESG / SRI stuff? Did this article bring anything new to the table?

from Finance https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2020/08/22/socially-responsible-investing/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[coloringmysensescherryred]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? I went to Japan, graduated college, started teaching English in South Korea, and dated a Korean guy - a year full of traveling and adventures! 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Last year I had two resolutions - eat better so I didn’t feel like I was gonna shit myself so often, and to stop looking for love and let it find me. TBH I followed them both - shoutout to Korea for helping me with them! Korea’s food is just much better on my internal pipes in terms of health, and the boyfriend thing kinda just happened. I’m more proud of myself for ending it when I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t forcing any sort of relationship, it happened organically; so I’m pleased that I stuck to my guns.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Nope! Most of my friends aren’t even married yet! (Not that you can’t have a baby without being married but ya know.)

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank god.  

5. What countries did you visit? Japan and Korea! 

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? I would like to have more confidence to straight-up tell people when they are doing things that make me mad or irritate me or that I don’t like. That is my new years resolution this year. 

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 23rd - the day I got my email saying I got into Fulbright! and June 7th - the day I left for Korea for a full year. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Fucking picking up my entire life and moving to Korea on my own. Like I have so many friends here in my program, but I was basically coming alone because I knew that I would be separate from them when we went to our placements after six weeks. 

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know, I felt like I succeeded in all the ways that mattered? I guess my biggest “failure” was confessing my feelings to my crush and him having to let me down because he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and wasn’t ready (altho I think he did like me tbh). So all things considered, that is a pretty good track record for an important year. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope! 

11. What was the best thing you bought? Netflix?? I had had it for like six months before Korea buutttt it has been a fucking lifesaver for me abroad. It’s a way to hear English from native mouths when I live in a homestay and don’t get to speak English with native speakers that often. It’s also great to do on traveling (like on trains and buses). Bless up to a great monthly investment. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? BURG, aka @officialff7remake. Homeboy was there for me when I was freaking out about MP or thesis or boys and just to pal around and drink with. The tightest of homies and I can’t thank him enough. <3 

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? I guess my Korean ex, Huijae? He literally had never dated ANYONE before me, Korean or otherwise, and he while he meant well, he had no emotional intelligence and really did things that bugged me and patronized me and was trying to be manipulative? and I didn’t need that shit? So I got out of that relationship after holding back my own feelings for too long and I’m so much happier and I don’t really talk to him anymore (he has texted a few times after we broke up to ask if he could come visit my host family because he “missed them” *eye roll* but i haven’t let him and he goes off to military service in like two weeks so I think i’m in the clear). 

14. Where did most of your money go? FOOD. I literally just buy food in Korea. Oh, and train tickets to go to Seoul or wherever. 

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? IT by Stephen King. I was fucking so hyped about it and luckily its release date in Korea was the same as in America so I saw it the night it came out! Also, obvi Fulbright and teaching in Korea. :) 

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? 빨간맛 by Red Velvet and DNA by BTS! Two songs that I have heard OVER AND OVER in korea and I still love them. 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier (or about the same - I was done with first sem and my thesis and had gone to Japan so I was probs p happy back then too), b. thinner! (I have lost like 10 or 12 lbs in Korea - wasn’t trying to but the food is just less fattening I think, and I walk more and go to an aerobics class like 3 or 4 times a week!), and c. richer! I’m not rich rich by any means but I have more money from fulbright than I was making as a waitress. :) 

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Idk - I did really what I wanted second sem of school, like hanging with MP and drinking and having spontaneous fun, and saw all the people I wanted to before I left for Korea, but I guess I wish I had done more solo trips in Korea? I want to do more before second sem starts too, and I want to visit my friends in their respective cities more because I didn’t get to do that so much in the fall because of my stupid fucking ex always coming to my town and taking up every literal weekend. I wish I was joking about that but it was bad. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spend less time napping! I like naps but then I feel like i miss out on things, as well as have trouble falling asleep at decent times on school nights. Also, I wish I had spent less time being miserable about my relationship and ended it earlier. I gotta put myself the fuck first this year. 

20. How did you spend Christmas? I spent an early Christmas on the 23rd with 6 Fulbright friends in Gwangju, and ended up getting drunk and dancing at the airbnb with all the other tenants for the night! It was really fun. I then spent actual Christmas eve and day at a hotel with my host fam and close family friends, just seeing the ocean (in the freezing cold) and eating seafood stew. I was glad to be with them but I missed home SO fucking much during that time. I did Skype my fam on Christmas eve morning so I saw them a little! 

21. Did you fall in love in 2017? I don't know if I can call it love, but I had a serious crush that was more than just infatuation with a guy in my last sem of college. I didn’t know what I wanted because I was leaving America and he was still a sophomore but I just knew that I could see us together, and it didn’t work out but I still have hope for the future. And with my Korean ex, it wasn’t love at all but I did like him so there’s that? 

22. What was your favorite TV program? In terms of things that I watched in 2017 that I really liked? Breaking Bad, Dark, Stranger Things season 2, and Rupaul’s Drag Race!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My ex? Yeah, it’s petty, but whenever I talk about him or see his picture I get mad. I guess that only half counts on this bc I didn’t know him this time last year? But I don’t hate anyone else. 

24. What was the best book you read? It by Stephen King. That thing is a fucking masterpiece. 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Sam Smith, biiiiitch. His newest album is all amazing and I slept on him for too long! Like I knew he was good but this new album is amazing.

26. What did you want and get? I wanted Fulbright and I got it! 

27. What did you want and not get? I wanted to be with aforementioned crush but it was bad timing. Win some, lose some, live & learn. 

28. What was your favorite film of this year? I CAN’T CHOOSE

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Going through second sem of senior year knowing I had a job after graduation? 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? it has changed a little since coming to Korea in order to try and not stand out so much? I have switched to more solid color tops rather than lots of prints, and I dress more demurely? Like less cleavage showing because that’s how koreans do (not that I am against it, but I’m just tryna fit in). 

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? All the drag queens from Drag Race but especially Trixie & Katya? Ummm also BTS but what is new. ;) 

33. What political issue stirred you the most? everything trump and his administration do and the net neutrality repeal. :( 

34. Who did you miss? I miss my dogs and my mom and my sister and Brian and Cannon and grammy and my MP friends. <3 Being in Korea away from them has been really hard sometimes.  35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. If you really want something, strive for it. Keep your expectations low, but believe in yourself and what you are capable of shining through and getting you what you really want. <3 

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. “don’t you get lost in nostalgia, no” - Lost in Nostalgia, The Maine

“take me with you / cause even on your own, you are not alone” - Portugal, Walk the Moon

[mimmerr]

How jobs in retail and hospitality make us better employees (and people.)

Unions last week called for shops to stay closed on Boxing Day after complaints of some employees being asked to start work at 3:30am. And as much as online shopping now dominates our spending habits, shoppers were still expected to spend £4bn in Boxing day sales, with a large proportion of these purchases in store. Everyone loves a bargain but surely we can give everyone, including those in retail and hospitality a well-needed break? I think that’s more important than getting 20% off something I don’t like or need. 

Anyway, the public outcry for holidays for all brought me back to my days in hospitality, where I worked both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. It was pants not being able to relax properly on Christmas Eve or day, where I had missed half the fun by being at work and then had to cut some of said fun early to go back. The pay was similarly pants. Pants galore that Christmas. After all, employers aren’t legally required to pay their staff double on bank holidays but some kinder ones thankfully do. And as much as there was pants galore that Christmas, I do look back at my days in hospitality with some positivity. There were bleak times like the above but the experience overall taught me the life skills I use today. I would even go as far to say that my job in hospitality made me a much more rounded person than University did, resulting in my mantra, there’s nothing wrong with cleaning a toilet. With resounding bitterness, I accept that not everyone agrees with everything I say, so let’s research my ‘Pants galore but worthwhile’ thesis.

The reason I believe this is worthwhile to write about is that 2.9 million of us work within retail and over three million of us work in hospitality. From the sales assistant in Tesco to the barista in Costa, these employees contribute to a massive part of our economy, feeding and clothing our families and putting a caffeinated spring in our working day. There are a lot of people working in these industries, effectively keeping the country running but they are not treated as such. Only ⅗ retail employees believe their manager cares about their well being and 24% of hospitality staff have sought psychological support or medication from the stress of the job. I am concerned that we are not making these industries attractive and safe; there will be less people to make our coffee and stock our shelves; we’ll have less well-rounded people in other jobs too.

So I created a survey for those I know and follow. 31 very kind people answered questions about their experiences in the sector, the majority of them being between 20-30, which is not shocking because I myself am in this bracket but also a third of retail employees are under 25. So it’s representative at least and an indication I may need some older friends. 

Why aren’t the industries attractive/‘pants galore’?

When asked about the difficulties of their respective jobs, one issue that arose was the amount of pressure and duties for a given role. Participants felt they had to go above and beyond their pay and position; working overtime as a given; fulfilling the jobs of two or more people due to understaffing; meeting unrealistic sales quotas. This. Doesn’t. Work. Setting unreasonable tasks sets teams and their managers up for failure and less productivity. And also, let’s keep in mind that selling sandwiches, a very important issue for me, is not a life/death situation, let’s not behave towards people serving and making them that it is. There is room to breathe and also some for error. The negativity revolving around pressure often linked with disrespectful, ungrateful managers who sometimes had little experience of the job themselves. Considering that most of these employees are at their first job and don’t know what to do, an open door policy and persona is key to engaging and training young people. Whereas, a harsh leadership or management style is counterproductive, leading to resentment, apathy and ineffective communication 

I even know of a few people that left their jobs solely because of their boss. One person. A whole career and paycheck. It fills me with sadness.

Another prevalent item was customers, who were ‘horrible’, ‘rude’,  ‘arsey’ and demanding but still expected high quality customer service. This is a big factor in high employee turnover and stress. Why do we treat fellow human beings this way? There is a difference with being dissatisfied and yes, I have definitely had some difficult phone calls or conversations with companies, but did I assume it was the fault of the underpaid employee I was speaking with? Even if it was, did I treat them like fox poo? Na-uh and neither should anyone else. That stuff stinks for weeks.

Thirdly, was the physical aspect of the job. This one is quite tricky to pull apart, a job is a job and it needs to be done. However, standing on your feet for many hours at a time with little or no breaks, when research shows breaks lead to better productivity isn’t ethical and in some cases, legal. Unionise, people! 

People also pointed out the unsociable or tricky nature of shift times, often starting very early or ending very late, not allowing much time for a social life outside their work. Shift work has been proven to worsen health but I understand that the job needs to take place at a time where the company can make the most money e.g. dinner service at a restaurant. I think if the pay and role matched the hours, people would see the upside of working at these times. Yes you might need to work 3 nights in a row, but on that day off you are going shoppingggggggg, honey!

The reason I wanted to question people on these negativities was to see if regardless, they still thought their job was worthwhile to them in the long run and as per usual, I was right! Almost! 41% said their work experience had a bigger impact on their career compared to their qualifications at 19%. 38% * didn’t answer this question, meaning both were equal or none were important, you people fascinate me! Also, two of those surveyed said their job in retail/hospitality was integral to their current career through networking and progression. 

What skills did people learn/why was it worthwhile?

You will not be shocked that the top three here are qualities employers look for. 

1. Resilence 

The quality of keeping that smile on your face after relentless hours on your feet and dealing with demanding customers and managers. Fun, horrific and true story: I kept smiling after spilling a pot of cold milk over an entire family (of five) after it flipped off a tray I accidentally elbowed. 

2. Customer service & communication skills

The quality of handling conflict, responding to clients’ needs and requests without getting it wrong (as much as possible). Most people work in jobs that involve talking to people in one way or another and we all know someone who doesn’t quite get it right. You should have got your waiter/waitress hours in, babe!

3. Time management 

Not being late, getting food and products to customers quickly whilst multitasking. Unfortunately, that lie in until 10am at University is short-lived in the world of work.

4. BEING NICE TO PEOPLE IN THESE INDUSTRIES!!!

Possibly the most important one and the reason for me writing this biblical length article. See more in conclusion. Directly below for your convenience. 

People in these industries work exceptionally hard for poor pay and treatment. We have all seen, or possibly been, that person who has gone out of their way to make another human’s day a misery. I don’t care if they’ve forgotten your panini for the second time in the row or don’t have that disgusting orange kitten heel in stock. Be annoyed, be angry, we all deserve great customer service. I don’t think that means being aggressive and difficult to staff. Vent to your friends not to the person who hasn’t sat down for six hours. Yes, be constructive but aggressive - no. And that includes online feedback too. Although I’ll fully admit I lost my temper over soya yoghurt on Twitter last year. But even reading that, do you see how ridiculous that is? I publicly apologise and accept that a lack of soya yoghurt isn’t the end of the world. We move on.

Anyway, my main point is that some of the ‘pants galore’ stuff we, the public, can change. Whether that is simply being kinder to our staff or not losing our minds over soya yoghurt. Some of the issues, we need to consider as an economy. Do we really need our stores open around the holiday period? Is it right that companies can under pay and also under staff? I think if we worked on these bigger aspects more, we’d not just have people see these industries as a pathway to something else, which they for many, are. But, we’d have people seeking out senior positions leading to a career in these areas because they can see the pay, the rewards and respect.

*All three percentages were rounded down. Maths baby!

[magzoso-tech]

New Post has been published on https://magzoso.com/tech/steve-jang-kanyi-maqubela-form-or-fund-as-kindred-ventures/

Steve Jang & Kanyi Maqubela form or fund as Kindred Ventures

Venture capitalists often mutter, “I haven’t seen anything I like lately”. Founders frequently complain that “investors are back-seat drivers who won’t get their hands dirty.” A $55 million fund with a fresh approach is aiming to address both those issues.

Steve Jang and Kanye Maquebla are two exceedingly smart and sweet guys who couldn’t help but come up with ideas for startups. Jang co-founded music apps Imeem and Soundtracking, meanwhile serving as an early Uber advisor and angel investor in Coinbase. Maqubela worked in operations at career network Doostang (acquired by Universum Global) and solar startup One Block Off The Grid (acquired by NRG) before becoming a venture partner at Collaborative Fund.

Today the pair officially launch Kindred Ventures to form startups as well as fund them.

“We don’t want to wait for people to come around and solve the problems we think matter” says Jang. “We’d rather proactively assemble an amazing team to go tackle that problem” Maqubela follows up. But Kindred Ventures will also step up and lead seed rounds, then help startups orchestrate their follow-on fundraises.

Kindred Ventures partner and co-founder Steve Jang

“The ethos is empathy — to take a very adaptive coaching and mentorship model” Jang tells me. That means partnering with startups rather than offering arms-length investing. By keeping the portfolio size low, Jang and Maqubela plan to turn concentrated conviction and outsized, hands-on effort into big stakes in tomorrow’s top companies.

“I originally wanted to call the fund Kindred Spirits, but it sounds a little too woo-woo” Jang says with a laugh. From multiple interviews with the team and its portfolio, though, that’s really the vibe Kindred Ventures is going for — to be the first people founders call when they’re in crisis…whether they need answers or just some cheering up.

Techno-Optimism

Beyond the warm smiles, Kindred already has a strong track record from its prototype phase under Jang’s solo operation since 2014. He’d made a reputation for himself as a fixer through his advising work during Uber’s scrappy early years starting in 2009. It began with Jang writing Garrett Camp a check for his side-project. As the company blossomed without full-time employees, Jang pitched in wherever he could.

After Imeem’s sale to Myspace and later Soundtracking’s acquisition by Rhapsody, Jang made about 50 angel investments of around $25,000 to $250,000 in companies like Blue Bottle Coffee, Postmates, and Zymergen under the name Kindred Ventures. Instead of just throwing money around, “I’d help a co-founder — sit down and work with them on product, their presentation for seed funding, hiring their first employees, finding a co-founder — it was quite different from how VCs operate.” Still, he wanted to lead more investments like his favorite seed funds First Round and True Ventures while remaining a thick-or-thin squire to his startups.

But to pour that kind of sweat into the portfolio, Jang needed the help of someone who could dig deep and become an ally to founders in any vertical. He needed someone like Kanyi.

After his stints in operations, Maqubela went on to work at Collaborative Fund for seven years, rising to partner at the firm looking for the intersection of positive impact and profit. He tells me developed a thesis about “what does it mean to be a techno-optimist: to believe that technology is a amoral but can be oriented towards good.”

Maqubela’s super-power is learning. I knew him from Stanford and now the same reputation precedes him through his portfolio of angel investments like Earnest and Buffer. He’ll immerse himself in any topic or industry, read and call people until he truly gets it, and then wedge his entrepreneurial skillset into the cracks to firm up an idea. Still, relatively new to venture, Maqubela was seeking someone with a well-worn process for investing and a big heart for what founders go through. He was looking for Steve.

Kindred Ventures partner and co-founder Kanyi Maqubela

The coincidental co-investors became friends, then deliberately funded startups side by side, and now are taking the leap as Kindred Ventures. Together they want to redefine “What does it mean to invest at t=0?. What do they really need?” Maqubela says.

The plan is to fund about twenty-five companies through pre-seed and seed per fund, which they’ll raise every two to three years. Kindred is vertical agnostic, but it has a soft spot for the future of cities, work, and living. It also keen on marketplaces, material science, food innovation, deep tech, enterprise SAAS, and developer tools.

Get In Formation

So far Kindred Ventures has funded nine startups from its $55 million initial fund. It’s helped form two companies and hopes to do four to eight per fund. But Kindred won’t be taking founder-level equity in those. Instead it just wants the opportunity to lead the seed round and own 10% to 20% by the time of the Series A.

That makes Kindred Ventures distinct from most startup studios like Atomic that aim for bigger ~30% stakes. “The Studios are creating whole platform teams, services teams, only work on their own ideas, and own a considerable amount of equity” Jang notes. By leaving more shares for the real CEO, “We’d be able to work with a stronger profile of founders” while avoiding spending so much time per company that the model becomes unscalable.

Kindred’s two formations come from the disparate medicine and blockchain worlds. Maqubela became an expert in cardiology to help start Heartbeat, which does in-person and remote heart health diagnostics. “I have a clear bullshit meter for when non-healthtech people try to get into it” but Maqubela really figured it out, Heartbeat CEO Jeff Wessler, MD tells me.

On his experience with Kindred, “It’s ‘we’re there for you when you need us’ rather than ‘we’re there for you when we fund you and then we move on’” Wessler says. “Very quickly this evolved into Steve and Kanyi being my absolute numbers 1 and 2.” The investors gave Wessler entrepreneurship 101 coaching, provided Heartbeat’s first funding, and helped it build a team. With their help, the first-time founder has sidestepped common pitfalls and is already turning patients into customers.

Bitski, a blockchain app login platform, has quickly leveraged Kindred’s support with formation into big funding from top investors. “In the early days, Steve would be in the office with us, late night jamming on ideas around the evolution of the blockchain space, fundamental products that needed to exist, early use cases etc. There’s a lot of money available for seed stage projects, but it can be difficult to find an investor willing to grind with the team through the days of pre product-market fit.”

Bitski actually started as collaborative video production app Riff. But Jang and Maqubela’s advice helped it solidy a pivot into developer tools for decentralized apps. It’s since gone on to raise $3.5 million from SV Angel, Coinbase, Galaxy Digital, and the Winklevoss twins. “The collaborative tone of the relationship really stands out” says Dinch of Kindred. “Obviously, operating with a high-touch model can take more of the partners’ time, but we haven’t noticed any drop in availability or support.”

Plenty of funds talk a lot about getting their hands dirty. Often that means hiring big teams they can assign to help founders, though, while the partners focus elsewhere. With just two support staff, Jang and Maqubela don’t have that luxury. They’re in constant contact with their investments by WhatsApp, phone, and email to work through snags directly.

“They’re always super responsive” says Michael Karnjarnaaprakorn, co-founder of collectibles investing startup Otis that was backed by Kindred’s prototype fund. He cites three big value-adds. Strategy: “Anytime I’m thinking through a big decision, I call them to help me think through it” including fundraising and product launches. Network: “They have an extremely strong network and are usually one to two degrees away from anyone.” And “everything else”, from mentorship on founder psychology to company building.

But being high-touch and cooperative doesn’t mean becoming a push-over yes-man. “Founder empathy is not always founder friendly” says Maqubela. “It’s being able to disagree with founders, even very passionately, and still constructively working together. To be able to tell them they’re wrong but come out the other side.”

That means Kindred Ventures isn’t for every founder. Those who want their investors firmly belted in the backseat or locked in the trunk may want to look elsewhere for cash. Smart founders will take all the help they can get, and Kindred strives to give the most per dollar. Jang concludes that “The idea may come from them or come from us, but we want to back amazing founders on a mission. It’s scratching both itches for us.”