#so i think otherwise i am beyond help & need to be put down

[mudstoneabyss]

hell circle of I don't have communication skills I don't know how to communicate. I need to learn those skills. I need to learn them by communicating. I don't know how to

[sleepynoons]

alhaitham x afab!f!reader, nsfw, 18+, not beta read

cw: omegaverse (alpha!alhaitham + omega!reader), heat, knotting, massive massive MASSIVE breeding kink, impregnation kink, size kink, slight sadism/masochism (more masochism if anything), mentions of pain + hurt, marking + biting, fingering, squirting, unintentional edging (receiving), allusions to dubcon + objectification (but none of it actually), slight nipple play, implied marathon sex

notes: sighs,,, idk how i ended up convincing myself to write omegaverse,,, but i really had a lot of fun with this,,, anyway, i love being an alhaitham fucker, and i love it even more when he loses it and can't be his usual put-together self. lmk if i missed anything in the warnings.

edit: 700+ notes?? y’all :((( i’m v touched and also cracking up lol omegaverse ig checks out - but tyssssm for all the love!! reminders that requests are still open (pls read my rules), and i’d love to have moots/anons!!!!

edit x2: 1,000+ notes... y'all... this is a massive milestone for me to hit - thank you so much for all the love on this lil drabble!! there's no amount of words that can describe how grateful i am, truly.

“ALHAITHAM, FASTER!”

you’re whining, sobbing, desperately begging your lover. anything will do – he can even just lie back and let you bounce up and down on his cock. but you’re only in such a frenzied, lucid state because of your heat. alhaitham, on the other hand, is a few weeks out from his next rut, which means he is able to think about what’s rationally best for you.

you’re infuriated. you need more. you need him to mount onto you, pounding and thrusting into you until you’re screaming for him to stop, and even then, he’ll continue to push you over the edge over and over again until you’re a sticky, fucked out doll. the fire in your belly is burning so passionately, and while you would say something snarky or sarcastic to rile alhaitham up, you can barely carry a thought and can only dig your fingernails into his biceps to convey your impatience.

your lover grunts at the piercing sensation and, through gritted teeth, says, “you just started your heat. rushing through it will only hurt you and lengthen your recovery process.”

you groan at his response, overtly dissatisfied and restless. alhaitham’s response is… it’s just so typical of him. he’s detail-oriented, almost scientific in the way he takes care of you. this isn’t your first heat with him, and he’s learned from prior experiences how to ensure your safety and comfort. in fact, the two of you now follow a procedure to prepare for your heat that consists of: gathering all of your favorite snacks and drinks; washing and prepping all of the pillows, clothes, and blankets you’ll need for your nest; and most importantly, figuring out a polite way of telling kaveh that he’s getting “sexiled.”

but this is overkill, you scream in your head. in missionary, alhaitham is going at a steady pace, but what he doesn’t know and can’t feel is that he’s edging you. he’s fanning the flames of your arousal yet never helping you reach the peak. he’s stimulating you at your most sensitive spots and parts, but it’s not enough for your release. he’s torturing you, and he can’t even tell.

“alhaitham,” you cry out for the nth time. “please, please, please! i can’t take it anymore! i just - i need your cock! i need to cum! please, please, i beg you, i promise you i’ll be fine! alhaitham!”

you’re breaking down into tears. by instinct, your body releases more of your scent, and somewhere beyond your crying, your lover takes a deep inhale.

while alhaitham isn’t in his rut, that doesn’t mean he can’t lose control. he hopes you know that he’s doing his best for you, that he’s holding onto the last shreds of his willpower because, if otherwise, he doesn’t know what will become of you. he’s so much bigger, stronger, sturdier than you are, towering over you in both size and strength. he can be painfully forceful, and inflicting pain upon you is the last thing he wants to do.

but you’re sobbing uncontrollably. you’re defenseless yet pleading him to take you roughly, to break in your pussy with his heavy, leaking cock. you want him to use his force to placate your insatiable heat. you need him to overpower you.

he releases a long, shuddering sigh. he attempts to rationalize, consider the potential repercussions of giving in. but he soon realizes he can’t think. your addicting, heady scent, combined with the beautiful sounds of your moans and whimpers, are rendering his mind empty.

it’s pointless. he growls, “you asked for this.”

one second you’re weeping, and the next all of the air inside you is knocked out by a sudden, harsh thrust from alhaitham. he’s going so fast and hard now, cock head brushing against your womb while his balls and knot slap against your asshole. you feel your toes curl at the feeling of being split apart, and your mouth parts to voice salacious moans.

this is what you wanted. you feel your body relax. you just have to take it, take his fat cock bullying your cunt open, take his harsh bites and teething at your nipples, take his seed until you’re filled to the brim. in your mind, all you can think is, you’re his, you’re alhaitham’s, he wants you. the omega in you croons happily, and you’re every bit as delighted as well.

alhaitham grips onto your wrists tightly as he shoves himself into your tight, sticky walls over and over again. at one point, he flips you over, commanding you to raise your ass up higher. as he holds onto your hips, he watches your ass bounce and jiggle as he pounds into you, and he wants to lick down the beautiful curve of your back. you’re doing your best to stifle your screams because somehow, your lover is reaching even deeper, and the scraping of your breasts against the bedsheets is driving you mad.

then, you feel one of alhaitham’s hands reach down, brushing against the fat of your thighs. it’s inching dangerously close to your throbbing clit, and heat rushes up to your face.

“wait, alhaitham, no –“ 

your lover pinches your yearning bud, and you scream. wetness gushing everywhere, you’re squirting and creaming, white cum staining your lover’s cock and leaking out of your pussy. your eyes roll back, and you’ve lost all ability to control your body, which is absolutely shaking as alhaitham continue to rub and flick at your clit as he tries to squeeze his knot into your fluttering hole.

“oh, archons! alhaitham! stop! no, no, it’s too much! it can’t fit!”

alhaitham, still teasing and toying with your pussy, leans over and snarls into your ear, “you were just saying you wanted more. now you can’t take it?”

you’re wailing. you feel as if you’re being ripped apart at the seams. but the thought of alhaitham’s knot is just too delicious to pass on, so you don’t complain anymore. you just accept the waves of pain and pleasure that crash over you as alhaitham finally locks his knot inside you and bites down on your neck.

your lover groans loudly, lost in his delirium as well. after a few more shallow grinds, he reaches his own high, and you feel rope after rope of his cum fill you up. alhaitham’s cum is so warm and gooey and thick that you’re drooling and slobbering over the pillows at being filled up so thoroughly – impregnated – with it.

even as he’s still cumming, alhaitham bites on the shell of your ear and commands, “keep up, because i’m not stopping anytime soon.”

you can only whimper and fist the blankets even tighter at his command, bracing yourself for the next round.

[huellitaa]

𓏲˳˚⊹ 🧸 become obsessed with yourself.

you are stupid. i said it. there. you are stupid.

let me get this straight. you are out here listening to these people who make you insecure. you are listening and actually giving a shit about people who put you down, make you feel unworthy, inferior, less of the absolute goddess that you are. you people please, you go above and beyond to help people & change yourself for people who would never do the same and for what. for people to like you? honey nobodys gonna like you. you dont even like yourself.

listen ml you need to get your priorities straight. sit down for a sec. like. just sit and genuinely ask yourself "what do i get out of this? how does this serve me?". go on, ask yourself. all these people who constantly think theyre better than you, that they can walk all over you, the ones that dont care a bit for you with their actions even if their words say otherwise, all these habits that only make you feel more low, more insecure, and dont align with where you wanna go in any way, shape or form. honey how in the hell does any of this serve you ???😭😭

i am sick to death of seeing the word selfish everywhere the moment somebody steps up and is brave enough to try and better themselves. the amount of times ive gotten "youre so selfish" or "youve changed" or "you werent like this before" jst because i got out of the most severe depression of my life where i came close to being unalive so many times is riDICULOUS and just shows how normalised insecurity and people pleasing is nowadays.

you see, people are always trying to follow the trend, follow the leader, follow everyone else nowadays. nobody actually honours what they want & that is a reflection of their own insecurity and traumas and emotions they are too scared to face. do you really want that for yourself? youve got such big dreams, such big potential, but what on earth do you do to fulfill them?

i dont think you realise just how limitless you actually are. you can do anything. we are all born the same. its only those with the courage to get up and try who will reach what they want and achieve greater things.

GET OBSESSED WITH YOURSELF. i am so DRAINED and TIRED of caring about what people think. i like something? im gonna do it. i dont care. fuck people pleasing. what are they gonna do when youre rich and famous and successful and thriving? YOU ARE THE ONLY VALIDATION YOU NEED. life is so much easier when you genuinely could not care less, like you just dont give a single shit. you are the only person who knows you inside out and will be there with you 24/7 365. it infuriates me how self hatred is so normalised nowadays. like what the actual fuck, why would you wanna spend your entire life hating the only person whos gonna be with you every second without fail, when you are perfectly capable of reversing that???? its ridiculous.

get up. get obsessed with yourself. the only validation you should be chasing is your own. pull yourself together girl. this is ridiculous. you are so much more than this. start acting like it. be ur own biggest fan. be ur own bestest friend. everything you need is already within you. u got this. 💕

all my love 💓✨💗💘🎀💖

[sageyxbabey]

Hospital Food | COD x Reader

MDNI

Summary: Your ex-husband (the biological father of your daughter) shows up when said daughter is admitted to hospital. Your current partner (and your daughter) put him in his place.

aka: stupid man gets verbally wrecked by a 17-year-old girl and a SAS soldier. Inspired by the time my stepdad and i roasted my bio dad.

For @the-californicationist 's Nameless Challenge! This means you have to guess which of the delicious war criminals I'm writing about below. (This has inspired a series, so you'll find out who I was thinking of when the second one comes out. ;) )

WC: ~700 words (oops, forgive me cali)

Pairing: f!reader x tf141 member (but who? 👀)

Your ex-husband stood at the foot of his biological daughter’s hospital bed, watching her tap salt out of the little sachet onto a piece of buttered bread. His face was full of condescension, and you knew yours was full of barely contained disgust as you stared at him. God damn the child support agreement that required you to tell him when she was admitted to a hospital. At least you had otherwise full custody of her, you’re sure your ex would’ve been murdered by now if you’d been forced to see him semi-regularly – either by you or your wonderful (deadly, military-trained) partner who hated the man in front of you almost as much as you did.

God, you wish he was here right now. Unfortunately, he was wonderful enough to have gone down to the cafeteria in search of lunch for the both of you – and something sweet to sneak back in for your little girl. He spoiled her rotten, and it made you love him more every time he did. 

“That’s a lot of salt,” your ex rumbled. If looks could kill, the stare your 17-year-old daughter levelled him with would’ve evaporated him where he stood.

“Yes. It is,” she spoke. 

Tap tap tap, she resumed shaking the sachet.

“They put salt in bread when they make it. White bread is about 3% salt,” he said. As if there was some important point your daughter was missing.

“I know. I’ve made bread before.”

Tap tap tap.

It was taking every fibre of your being not to laugh with sheer joy and vindication as your daughter, the blood of your ex-husband, so casually eviscerated him in the middle of this tiny white room.

“Which is to say, you don’t need to be adding salt to it.” You didn’t think the man could sound any whinier. You were about to step in, but your daughter let out a deep sigh beyond her years (definitely picked up from the soldier who shared your home) and threw the empty salt packet onto the bed tray.

“Tell me, why shouldn’t I eat that much salt?” Her arms crossed in front of her, your ex-husband looked to you for help. He would get none.

“Because… it makes your body retain fluid and raises blood pressure–”

“Correct. I am in this hospital because I have low blood pressure caused by a low volume of fluid in my blood. They give me the salt packet on purpose. I am prescribed literal salt tablets,” she shook the bottle in the man’s face, “because I need to raise my blood pressure up to normal levels.”

Silence. Blinking.

“So I am going to eat this bread because it is what the doctor ordered.” Her head snapped to you, with a chaotic glint in her eye only teenage girls could possess. The next words out of her mouth would stay with you until your dying breath;

“Hey, Mum. When’s Dad coming back?”

You could not fight the grin that spread across your face, the elation jumping in your stomach. A quick glance at your ex-husband’s sour face made it clear that your daughter’s point had struck true – You are not welcome here. I do not need you. I have a real father where you failed.

You opened your mouth to reply, “He’s–”

“Right here, love!” The warm, gravelly voice of your partner filled the room, your daughter’s eyes lighting up with his presence. He stopped to press a tender kiss against your cheek, passing you a toasted sandwich, before he made his way to stand over the shoulder of your precious daughter.

“And I got you something special,” he whispered playfully, “Don’t tell the nurse.” He pulled a poppy seed muffin out of the bag he was holding and placed it on the bed tray in front of her. 

“Sorry mate, who are you?” Your partner turned and cocked his head at your ex. 

Your man knew exactly who the snivelling creature across from him was. Your boyfriend was just deciding to be a little shit, and it was one of the sexiest things you’d ever seen him do. 

“Dad, this is Marcus. You know, the man who got Mum pregnant with me?” Your daughter’s voice was poorly disguised venom. 

“Oh, right! Of course. I suppose I should thank you for your part in creating my wonderful daughter.” He stretched a hand out to your ex-husband who, for once in his life, made the smart choice to shake it and give some poor excuse for why he was needed elsewhere.

As soon as he was out the door, you had your arms around your lover, pressing endless kisses to his cheek as your daughter laughed. 

“Did you hear what I said, Dad?” 

Your partner leaned down to hug the girl – his girl – tightly. He grinned.

“Every fucking word.”

----------

I LOVE MY STEPDAD SO MUCH HE'S MY REAL DAD and my mother and he are truly couple goals. I was on the phone with him the other day when I asked if he remembered this happening. he let out the most fatherly cackle of pure, shit-stirring joy I've ever heard. It was magnificent.

forgot the TAGLIST: @frogtowne @teenagellamaangel @universitypenguin

[ash-says]

I think your page speaks volumes about the way you’ve perceived and endured life and I’m sorry you haven’t had the time or opportunity to soak up the good things that are all around you, I hope you develop skills that allow your success to be built off of things that are good and pure and not cheap manipulation tactics and lies

Devil may care: A guide on being unbothered.

Okay, and??

Sweetheart, I really appreciate your unwanted sympathies and illusionary sensitivity directed towards me. In our culture when someone is being sweet, kind and helpful (even if fake) we make sure that we pay them back with something valuable. Here's a small guide curated for you that will help you in being self secure so you won't feel threatened by other people's success and opinions.

1) Have a life:

Nothing screams idle to me more than this. Like you have time to be offended by someone's post and comments which you might just scroll by and ignore?? On top of that going above and beyond to let that person know. Okay, Sushma. Now log off and do the pending coursework.

2) Build genuine confidence:

Ladies, fake it till you make it can only go this far. You have to work on your underlying issues and address them. If you don't you are susceptible to triggering even by a mere stranger. Confident people don't need to go above and beyond to prove other people. They embody it.

3) Self awareness:

It's tiring to explain this. Just Google it at this point. This word is thrown like a football everywhere. You know it. Do the homework.

4) Practice self compassion and boundaries:

Negative feedback is part and parcel of life. Accept it, analyse and if it applies adopt or otherwise ignore. Boundaries are important to understand the difference between constructive criticism and disrespect.

If disrespected don't be afraid to put a bitch in place. Until then shut your mouth and concentrate on your goals.

5) Opinions are subjective:

Everyone has their own life experiences and opinions are formed based on those. Your Roman Empire might be different from your friends but does it mean it's invalid? No. Develop empathy and open-mindedness. Not everyone has the same views. It's okay.

6) Develop a thick skin:

You can't survive in this world if you are triggered by the tiniest of things. You have to be comfortable in being painted both as a hero and as a villain. Don't let others opinion get to your head. Owe to yourself that I will stand in my truth thou glory or disgrace.

7) Reflect a rbf stance:

When someone tries to belittle you, try to put you down, talk shit about you. Your body language should be cold and reserved with a rbf that screams intimidation but all you are going to say is Okay, and??

8) Master Sarcasm:

I have said this before and I will say it again. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Sarcasm is the ice in it. Ladies learn sarcasm. It's the one way ticket to put people in their place in a humorous way.

9) Be classy. Be polite. BE UNTOUCHABLE.

Who do you think will be named as the crazy one? The one who is screaming and belittling someone or the one who is still being polite but discreetly showing the person where they belong. Never resort to screaming and shouting. That's dumb. Second never go out of your way to prove how you are relevant. Take it or leave it mentality.

10) Seek professional help:

Even after all of this you are not able to practice being unbothered. I think a therapist is the best solution for you.

P.S. :Ladies, this is what I mean when I say leverage the fuck out of your connections and opportunities. This is how you turn a negative into a positive.

Plus I am petty enough to not let this disrespect slide but thought it would be a good content idea for my posts, isn't it??

That's all for today's show on ash-says. Stay tuned for more illegal tricks and explosive opinions.

[alieinthemorning]

Sins of the Father [Inhibitor Lunae | Dan Heng]

Content: Angst, Assassins & Hitmen AU, Dan Heng and Bailu are Siblings (and Dan Feng is their father), Reader-Insert, POV Second Person

Pronouns: None

Reblogs: Let me know that you enjoy my work and want to see more, so don’t forget to like and reblog (and comment in the tags. I love seeing people’s rambles in the tags)!

This work’s concepts, plot and original characters are my own which means I do not allow any sort of creative theft nor do I allow my work to be entered into any sort of A.I. bots. Thank you for respecting my space and boundaries.

“When will brother be back?”

You looked down at the little girl who was resting at your side. She looked up at you with those large eyes that reminded you of the ocean waves touching the beach. 

They were beautiful, but honestly they also made you sad. She was the golden sand, unable to leave the protection of the land. While her brother was the ocean, impenetrable. No matter how deep you went, there would always be something hidden deeper. 

Brushing the hair that had fallen near her eyes, you answered her. “He’ll be back soon, Bailu.” 

She huffed, sitting up. “Why is he always out so late? Doesn’t he know that that’s bad for you!”

You smiled, gently persuading her to lay back down. “You’re right. Which is why you need to rest, so that you can grow big and strong.”

“Not until he gets back.”

You held back a sigh. There was no point in arguing any further. You knew that when Bailu got like this, there was no changing her mind. Especially when it had to do with her brother. The two of them were incredibly stubborn like that. 

jing, jing

You paused, glancing at the entryway, then at Bailu who had fallen asleep. You smiled. No matter how much older she attempted to act, she was still just a little, growing girl. 

You gently removed yourself from her, making your way to greet the person beyond the door. 

He was already in the house, back turned to shut the door as quietly as possible as he toed out of his shoes. When he did turn around, he jolted, obviously not expecting you. 

“...you’re still awake.” 

You frowned. He was refusing to make eye contact. “Bailu couldn’t sleep. She tried her hardest to stay up.” You crossed your arms. 

He sighed. “She really needs to stop doing that.”

“And you need to stop doing what you're doing, and yet here you are. Late again.” 

That got his attention, you thought as his eyes snapped up to meet yours. 

“You know why I have to do this.”

“I know why you say that you have to do it, but that doesn’t mean that—”

He had moved closer, into your personal space, forcing you to acknowledge the change in his demeanor. 

“It does.” He sighed roughly. “...It does if it keeps you and Bailu safe.” 

You glared at him. “The sins of your father are not yours to bear.”

You hated their father, Dan Feng, a no good man who left nothing to his children, but pain and suffering. 

“They are when there is no one left to bear them.” 

And you hated that this man forced his own son to think that he had to settle the debt of his wrongdoings. The people he were tied up with wouldn’t leave him alone until after the debt was paid in cash or otherwise. 

And you refused to let it be otherwise. 

“How many times have I told you that I can help. Just let me—” You tired, but he cut you off.

“I refuse to allow you to get involved any further than what you already have.” He took a step closer, which forced you to take a step back. His hand snatched your wrist, pulling closer as he leaned down toward your ear. “I am grateful for you for watching over Bailu, truly I am. But if you keep digging, where you don’t belong, I’ll have to remove you myself.” He released you, pushing you, and disappearing further into the home. 

‘How much longer?’ 

You put Bailu to bed, before retiring to your own room.

How much longer would he inflict such suffering on himself? How much longer did he have before it torn him asunder?

The answer: Not long. 

Thankfully, Bailu had a sleepover tonight and wasn’t home to see…this.

He was badly bloody and bruised, shallow breaths the only thing signaling that he wasn’t dead. 

It was silent between the two of you as you worked on patching him up. 

It was silent as he retreated to his room while you cleaned the aftermath.

It was silent as you watched him you.

Both of you having so much to say, but neither of you knowing how to say it.

And so you didn’t, actions spoke louder than words after all, didn’t they?

“Hello, Blade.”

BANG

“Goodnight, Yingxing.”

Click

tap, tap, Tap, Tap, Tap, Tap

The bridge of silence had grown between you. Neither knowing the other anymore. The deep relationship that the two of you had formed had been destroyed by you.

But you were fine with that, you made your bed that day, and now it was time to lie in it. 

You finished off the drink you had been nursing. “I don’t regret what I did, so I hope you weren’t expecting to lecture me.”

“No…rather, I’d like to thank you.” 

You peered at him through your lashes. “Oh?”

He stepped closer, not into your personal space, but at the edge of that. “Yes, I understand. Just as I want to protect you and Bailu, you wanted to protect Bailu and I.”

You smiled, presenting him your hand. “And now we can protect her together.”

He placed a kiss on the knuckle of your middle finger. “Yes…”

BANG, BANG

No one would dare touch the Little Lady of the Dragon. 

Least they be devoured in its bloody maw.

Um, so me and Rogue were talking about things, and it devolved into how I view Dan Heng and Bailu as siblings. Um, I wanted to make something more hurt/comfort-y, but I instead manifested this...at like 1-2am, so yea...hope you enjoyed...this.

Also, can you tell I've been reading a lot of manwhas lmao

Ko-Fi | Commission | Masterlist

[princelylove]

Sometimes I forget my interpretations are not canon. For my freaks who are into hyper specific body parts, like I am, here’s the first batch of my body interpretations for part five. 

I can’t count how many full body shots or slow pan downs we had of Giorno- with a rightful emphasis on his hips and legs. Giorno’s muscle is that of a ballerina’s- slender, but has lots of stamina. He has a small waistline, like majority of the Joestars do, and his limbs are all rather lean, but his thighs provide an adequate amount of support for his ‘hips.’ He’d prefer terms like ‘full’ or ‘shapely’ over ‘thick’ or ‘well-rounded,’ but all apply. He’s shy in comparison to his father, who prefers the inverse to be said about himself. It’s generally best to not mention how attracted you are to his ass his broad hips, he's a bit embarrassed of his curves.

He stands comfortably at a nice 177 cm, or 5’8”. He’s often teased by Guido for being ‘so small,’ despite Narancia being the shortest. (Guido doesn’t want to get stabbed at nine in the morning.) His hands are slender, and delicate-looking. He has long fingers that he lets bugs and small animals crawl all over. He prefers not to wear nail polish at all, and dislikes wearing rings. 

Giorno is such a pale white that you can see the blue of his veins on parts of his chest. There’s little bits of pink towards the tips of his fingers, but the rest of his skin is almost pure white. It would be concerning if you didn’t know he gets plenty of sun- how he manages to stay that shade and practically live in the sun is beyond you. 

Giorno has a bit of a baby face still, he has very round features, besides from his eyes. He's a victim of that phenomenon where strangers trust you because of your ‘welcoming’ face, despite the fact that Giorno rarely smiles unless he wants something. His hair is naturally somewhere between wavy and curly, and falls down to his hips when it isn’t in a braid. After he becomes the don of passione, he wears it down more often. He thinks it helps attract new recruits- and he’s right, it does. If you’re attracted to full, heart-shaped lips and long eyelashes, Giorno will have you wrapped around his finger. 

He smells like flowers, white jasmine and roses to be specific.

Don’t talk to me about Bruno’s hourglass. He has a bit more shoulders, so I’m tempted to say he has a different body type, but it’s so slight that you wouldn’t notice unless you were taking his measurements, so I won’t count it. 

His muscle is from hard labor rather than consistently working out- habits from when he was just a baby helping his father- Bruno doesn’t exactly have time to do a real routine, and he neglects himself too much for it to work. While he does have a good bit of muscle, he isn’t as well-defined as someone like Leone or Risotto is. He can’t do a calorie deficit, he needs that food to keep working as hard as he possibly can. If he stops eating as much, he can’t work, and then he couldn’t protect you or his family (same thing), and, and, and, and. He eats well, he just doesn’t sleep enough. He’d probably stop worrying if he did. Most of his muscle is in his arms, back, and legs. 

Bruno is a strong man, he prides himself on being able to physically protect his darling. His looks aren’t a big deal to him, but he does enjoy taking care of himself. He wouldn’t have such a high maintenance haircut otherwise. He dislikes makeup on himself, but he grooms himself excessively- he isn’t one for long routines and expensive skincare, but he appreciates a nice cleanser and moisturizer, which he also uses on his hands. Bruno will sometimes put clear nail polish on just his hands, if he remembers it. 

Bruno is 183 cm, or 6ft. His height isn’t overbearing- in fact, he just makes the cusp of what most people would call ‘tall’ for a man- but he isn’t small, either. He’d love to share clothes with his darling, but if he cannot fit into yours, he’ll settle for giving you his. If you make him seem small, he’d happily wear some of yours, too. 

His skin tone is a light brown, although it pales slightly in the winter. He spends a lot of time in the sun, on top of his natural complexion. His undertones are warm.

Bruno's only tattoo is the one on his chest. It covers part of his stomach, as well.

Leone has lots of birthmarks scattered all over him. He stands at 195 cm, or 6’5”. I tend to think of Leone with more shoulders than hips, but he has a small waist, and it isn’t like his hips aren’t grabbable.

It makes him feel better about himself to work out consistently, so he kept his morning habits from his younger days. While he wishes he could say he works out for his health, it’s just because he doesn’t feel good unless he looks good, and that’s how he’d like himself to look. He has very prominent iliac crests, and a well defined torso. Most of the ‘fat’ in his body is in his tits. (Author’s note: Although it’s more appropriate to say muscle, since building muscle is how men get a larger chest, I’m using ‘fat’ for a better visual. When pectoral muscles relax, they appear squishy and pliable like most women’s chests do, so it isn’t entirely outlandish.) 

He has a thorough routine for his skin- he even has a separate one for his hands, which doesn’t work very well. Leone’s hands look smooth, but they’re a bit rough from work. His nails are fairly long, and natural. Painted either black or a deep red. He shapes them into coffins. They break easily. 

When he’s stressed, he tweezes his eyebrows. He makes them thin, and follows the natural small arch he has. Leone’s eyes are actually brown, he just puts contacts in to match his makeup for the day. He puts eyeliner on his waterline, like how you’d put kohl on.

I’ve mentioned briefly before that Leone has darker skin than in canon, but I specifically meant a dark brown complexion over just a tan one. He has cool undertones. 

While he doesn’t have any tattoos, he has a few piercings. His nipples, belly button, and nose are all pierced. The side of his nose, not a septum. 

Narancia gets pretty pissed when you mention that he’s 164 cm, or 5'3”. He’s still got some years before his body hits its limit, alright. He’s horribly jealous of Guido’s physique, he doesn’t understand how he’s doing the same things but Guido has way more mass than him. It just so isn’t fair. 

While he does have very distinct muscle, I wouldn’t call Narancia big. He cuts without realizing it- he has food right in front of him, but hasn’t fixed his eating habits from living on the street. If you praise his abs and arms, he’ll let you feel.

Narancia’s a light tan sort of beige. He tans every year without fail. It makes him sad to see himself pale, as it reminds him of his mother, who had the same complexion. 

He has a few tattoos, all of which are stick-and-poke, and done by himself through boredom. The designs are nonsensical and don’t mean much to him. He has tons of piercings, done by Pannacotta in a bathroom for the promise of not having to do household chores. Both his nose piercing and eyebrow rejected, so he settled for torturing his ears. 

He hates makeup, nail polish, and skincare routines. Narancia's skin is somehow perfect. It's debatable if he cleans his piercings out every once in a while or not. Narancia's hands are very square, and his nails are so short that them growing past his finger tips is a miracle.

Guido stands at about 190 cm, or 6’3”. I’d give him a smidge more at most, but he just isn’t as tall as Leone. Guido has a tendency to slouch when he sits, but loves to straighten his back out when he’s standing next to someone shorter. The first thing he did in purple haze feedback was check if Panna had him yet- and was secretly overjoyed that he wasn’t even close. 

Guido’s normally smiling- the only time he isn’t is when he’s truly alone, working, or genuinely pissed off. He’ll have deep smile lines when he’s older. It’s more of a grin than a smile, really- he finds amusement in the oddest of things. 

The only word that comes to mind is how big Guido is; Guido’s sizable nature is one of the first things you’d notice about him. It’s almost criminal to focus more on his chest- the man has ass and the thighs to back it up. Guido has a very full figure, he prefers bulking over cutting by far, and he doesn’t work out just to look good. He wants to be strong, and his job is very demanding. It just works. (It makes him feel useful.) Guido gets up when the sun does to work out, every day, probably for the rest of his life. He has a visible Adonis belt, but not a very deep, defined one. While the crease is there, he’d never intentionally lower his body fat percentage to match someone like Leone’s.  

His eyebrows are thick and straight. He cleans them up as best as he can, but hates doing it himself, so he makes Leone do his for him, in exchange for doing the dishes that night. (Leone normally turns the television up so he doesn’t have to hear Guido whine about how much painnnnn he’s innnn.) He doesn’t cut his own hair either, but doesn’t trust anyone on the team to get his curls right, so goes to a professional for trims. He started wearing hats because of a bad cut, but the pressure was comforting. 

Nothing irritates me more than when people take away Guido’s color. You are out of your MIND if you think he’s any lighter than a medium brown- and that’s being a bit generous. He has warm undertones, and gets as much sun as he can year-round. 

He doesn’t use cologne, and uses an unscented bar soap. Guido understands the importance of a good conditioner, but body soap? It’s all soap, man. Bar soap is fine, costs less, too. He tries to take care of himself, but isn't excessive about it. His nails are short and clean, but he doesn't trim the hair on his knuckles until Trish points out how noticeable it is.

Guido has a few tattoos, all of which he whined through getting. He decided to have the majority of them on his upper arms. They’re all biblical. He has a tendency to grab the bicep with Saint Mary on it when he’s nervous. He thought about piercing his belly button, but pussied out when he saw the needle. 

After the events of vento aureo, he got an orange on his upper back. 

Pannacotta is 180 cm, or 5’11”. He used to be the same height as Giorno, but gained some height over the course of Purple Haze Feedback, and now has to look down at his boss to make eye contact. He’s rather lean, and a bit ‘flat’ all around- he lacks a prominent waist as well.  

His complexion is very fair, and sort of pinkish. He doesn’t tan well at all, and is often teased by Narancia for it. His hair is entirely white- it's common to hear that it's because of stress, but he was just born like that.

Most people would describe Pannacotta as ‘pretty’ rather than ‘handsome.’ He wouldn't consider himself so, as he’s not actually all that feminine he just hangs out with two very masculine types and seems it in comparison, but he doesn’t mind. Well. He does. He hates feeling people stare at him when they obviously have intentions, but a little compliment is just a little compliment. 

He takes care of his hands and feet, but doesn’t like colored nail polish. He borrows Bruno’s clear polish. Pannacotta likes strawberry scented soap, and would buy a body spray that smells similar, if he was aware it existed.

He only has his ears pierced, and no tattoos. He almost trusted Narancia enough to give him a tattoo, but decided against it when he realized Narancia had the freedom to not listen. 

Trish doesn’t really have any muscle, but she is skinny. She looks significantly more like Diavolo than Donatella, which is horribly ironic. She’s slightly above average height for a girl her age, just shy of Giorno’s height, although seemingly short in comparison to the ridiculously tall cast of vento aureo. 

Trish’s complexion is (exactly) sort of like Diavolo’s- a light brown, with cool undertones. She tends to avoid the sun, and will slather on sunscreen to avoid getting a tan. She’s afraid of ‘aging early.’ 

Trish makes a lot of the same expressions as Diavolo- her annoyance, joy, even her anxiety all bear some resemblance. Before he left, Donatella would joke about using him as a blueprint. 

She gets her nails done professionally, and tends to go for acrylics over her natural nails. Trish prefers small, almond-ish shaped nails, with a lot of designs or charms. She just gets solid color on her toes. 

Trish is the type of girl to use five different washcloths in the same shower. She has an extensive hygiene routine, and all of her soaps are chosen to complement the smell of her favorite liquid body soap- which is a nice vanilla in winter, and coconut in summer. 

While Trish is a “You wouldn’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley” kind of girl, she does have a few piercings. Her ears, nose, and belly button are all adorned with the shiniest, blinged-out piece of jewelry she could find. 

[beesmygod]

today is webcomics day. i am bea and i make "A Ghost Story" - part 1: pre-gaming

webcomic day is a yearly celebration of the art form concocted by the screentones podcast team as a way for people to see how the sausage gets made. my webcomic "a ghost story" has been running for over 10 years, and yet i still don't think i can say i am good at making a webcomic. regardless, the comic is getting made because otherwise i become very, very sick in the head. today i would like to share with you the process of making a page of "A Ghost Story" from start to finish. either this demystifies the process or will make you think im so cool and strong for doing this 2x a week. instead of reblogging this one post until it gets very long, i will be posting individual updates that i will then compile and post on my personal website. block the tags now if you HATE comics and want them to EXPLODE.

if you have any questions, even things like "what the fuck are you even talking about" feel free to ask. i want to feel confident in what i make again and i think sometimes interrogation from an outside source is really

---

that said, let's get started. wait just kidding i want a cup of coffee first, hold on.

ok now im ready. i have a big glass of water. i have coffee. i have a headset for the parts of work that don't involve typing words. i can't type words and listen to some streamer babble in my ear at the same time, so it has to be instrumental music or nothing. i just took my meds so they should kick in after about 30 mins. i woke up late today, which is weird and annoying. but maybe i can work late instead.

first off, i need to know where i'm going beyond this one page. if i dont know where im going with something, then i usually create something that sucks that i have to deal with later. hold on my internet died, i have to reset the router. ok, anyway.

what's rattling around in my brain is that not only do i have to deal with maxine's current predicament, i am also dealing with multiple plot elements i need to wrap back around to from the previous chapter. luckily, im about to put maxine down for a nap, which means i can get back to those other elements:

i need to finish the exposition from the three ankou characters for this story arc establishing their motivations as the oppositional force in the story. the "villain" is not these three specifically, but their boss. they need to have a loose understanding of what's going on in order to communicate this to the audience. god this started turning into a huge ass paragraph so i'll just keep it short there.

we've jumped back to before jack's horrible day from the first chapter of this storyline so we have to make our way back toward that and then lapping it, which means wrapping up his various open threads like:

feeding victoria and learning something new about her

finding out alice is a very exceptional employee who is getting many awards

watching valdo call lily while interrupting her during something personal to ask her for help with maxine's situation.

jack meeting with valdo and lily the day after they first met so jack can just tell them straight up that lily has 4 sisters she doesnt know about.

help that girl with her poltergeist problem. remember that. i've had jokes for this rattling in my head for like 4 years. im going insane.

and also the fucking tilberi!!! that has a point its going somewhere!!! there's a larger menace here!!!

other things to set up the climax of this storyline. sexual tensions, hints at larger emotional problems not immediately evident to the reader

lots of moving parts. and i feel like im moving in slow motion to get to them. i can see them all weaving together in my head, its the process of putting that onto paper that's proving difficult.

ok that took an hour starting and stopping. -_- let me write the next part as i keep brainstorming on how to approach this page. taking a "rubber duck" approach to this might help. heres an image from the last page i worked on (i have a 5 page buffer rn so the site does not match the finished pages) to get us semi-situated.

also because images will help people understand what skill level we're working with here. i need to be able to communicate an idea to the audience; if the art also looks good on top of that, then that's just an added bonus. but the ability to communicate my ideas is sometimes hampered by my lack of artistic skill or comics language ineptitude. like those speech bubbles kind of fucking suck but at a certain point you have to just hit print on what you're working on in order to keep your already glacial pace.

webcomics is a tightrope act where you're also spinning 4 plates at once. the trick is to keep the audience from realizing how many actually fall or how wobbly they all are. the act sucks but technically its not a failure.

[abyssal-author-and-artist]

Pacifica Northwest is transmasc and you can't change my mind

Okay. That sounds insane. I am aware. It sounds insane to me. But fuck it - I already did the trans Dipper rant essay and so I'll do the same with trans Pacifica.

So Pacifica grows up rich with very oppressive parents. She's clearly a child of abuse who likely has no sense of identity. She's forced to fit a strict mold of The Perfect Daughter. Someone who is perfect and demure and pristine and womanly and who has to wear the right color dress and can't just wear something close enough because otherwise she gets something implied to be very bad.

Put another way: A kid is forced to be exactly perfect and the definition of whatever their gender is. They are not allowed to deviate from that definition in the least otherwise Bad Things happen. They're scared to even be slightly different.

Sound familiar? Because a lot of trans kids go through the same thing. A lot of trans femme people have to play with the Boy Toys because otherwise they're a flower boy and that's bad (which in itself is bad because flower boy is old slang for gay/derogatory as well as gender expression and identity being different but it also hurts trans people). A lot of transmasc people have to play dress up because if they don't there's Something Wrong with them.

I am more than 90% certain that it wasn't intentional, but looking at Pacifica through the lens of someone who tried to do a Boy Thing once and was forced to be hyperfemme for the rest of their life is just so good to me.

Pacifica embodies a lot of toxic girl tropes. You've heard of toxic masculinity, now get ready for toxic femininity - she's petty and superficial and puts too much stock in appearances. Which, granted, is a thing that happens in girl friend groups - I've seen it happen many times - but it reads as different to me. This isn't malice, Pacifica has been shown to be a good person (The Golf War, Northwest Mansion Mystery). She cares for those around her and often only acts the way she does because she has to. Any time she tries to speak up, she gets ruthlessly shut down. She has to be what her parents want, when they want, how they want. If she doesn't, she gets punished.

Yes, Pacifica shows up to every event dressed femme. But who drove her to those events? Who has their claws in every aspect of the town? Who would hear about anything that happens in Gravity Falls? Who buys her clothes? Her parents. And if her parents - who, again, are likely abusive - want her to be and dress like their perfect little girl, their hyperfemme daughter, then she will. She has to be.

From a writing perspective, Pacifica is made to be the opposite of Mabel. One loves fun and color and chaos, is nice no matter what. The other is sitting outside this room and named Pacifica Northwest. But looking at it like that, why wouldn't Pacifica be trans? Especially if Mabel is transfemme - which is a fun reading of her and one that I love to see. It's not canon but think about it. If Mabel is transfemme then Pacifica - her inverse - would be transmasc. The other end of the spectrum.

But now I need real evidence, right? My transmasc Dipper essay was built on much more than "this is behavior seen in a lot of trans people just generally". I pointed out specific scenes in specific episodes - though I forgot Carpet Diem, which is fascinating and which I could so make an essay on by itself. Can I do that for Pacifica?

Well, the short answer is no. The best evidence I have is a general hand-wave at her behavior and environment and "this just reads as transmasc to me". Which, to be completely fair, is how headcanons work. They don't necessarily need any degree of proof. It's nice and it can help people to agree with you, but in the end, it doesn't matter. I can say I headcanon anything, and because it's a headcanon, you can't do shit about it. If I say Pacifica is transmasc beyond a shadow of a doubt, then you can challenge me.

To be fair, I did say that. The title of this is literally "Pacifica is transmasc and you can't change my mind", I will take that I was making claims. But also I immediately followed that up with "it sounds insane to me" so I should hope we all know that I'm going into headcanons-based-on-the-text territory.

And I'm never going to attack someone over a headcanon that makes someone feel seen, and I'd hope that holds true for everyone. I like Pacifica as transmasc and forcing herself into the box of cis female when it's wrong because I did the same. I love transmasc Pacifica. I love the idea of Pacifica and Dipper hanging out and him telling her that he's trans and Pacifica just kinda goes "you can do that? But then why doesn't everyone? Being a girl kinda sucks - there's girl drama and dresses and girl puberty and all that stuff. Everyone would be a guy if they could" and Dipper gives her The Look and says "Pacifica Northwest, that is the most trans thing I have ever heard".

In conclusion, I headcanon trans masculine Pacifica Northwest. Still workshopping a chosen name for him but I do, and I love him. It's all silly fun headcanoning a children's cartoon character as trans and it hurts no one. And it doesn't even affect a lot of the things I'll do. I have one fic that will hint at it and one that will treat it as the main center of the story planned. (It will be a part of my AU but not a major part and I'm also playing with the thought of gender-fluid Pacifica for Divine Falls. It's entirely ignorable and will not affect anything related to the main AU's plot.)

Yes I referred to Pacifica as she/her for most of this essay but it was referring to a pre-realization Pacifica who isn't out yet and thus would convince herself that she was uncomfortable with he/him pronouns and therefore calling them he/him would be wrong until he came out.

[paralyze-fic]

Paralyze.

Chapter 60

Warning: sex between minors, rimming, fingering, protected sex. Long chapter, 3000+ words.

Right in front of the front door, I stopped. I was going to grab my keys, when I felt what I bought with my money. Quickly, I hid the condoms in my pants pocket and the lube inside my hoodie, being held by the waistband of my underwear.

I made sure nothing was visible or looked too suspicious before I opened the door.

I took off my shoes and placed my keys on the table by the door. My feet took me to the kitchen, my dad was still cooking, so I just placed the milk on the fridge and the flour on the cabinet.

"Dad," I called him as I handed him his wallet, he smiled and took it, putting it in his pocket.

Without saying anything, I went up to my room and released a breath I didn't know I was holding. My heart was beating fast and I quickly took off my hoodie, hiding the lube and condoms in my underwear drawer, under everything.

Now, I went down to the kitchen, so I could get the pancake batter ready for tomorrow.

//////

When I finished mixing it, I covered the bowl with some film to put it inside the fridge, and I helped my dad cook dinner, even though there wasn't much that was left to do.

Right as I placed the plates on the table, the twins and mom walked in.

"You can go take a shower if you want, (M/n)." I smiled and nodded, excusing myself and going up to take a quick shower.

I did have a private bathroom, but with so many things on my mind, I forgot. It was good that I did.

After like ten minutes, I walked out, wearing my sleepwear, otherwise it would've been suspicious to be wearing normal clothes this late.

//////

During the entire dinner, I didn't say a single thing, the nervousness didn't let me. But I did snap out of my daze when I heard my name being called, "(M/n)...?" It was my mother.

"Sorry, I was... thinking about something." I showed her a grin, and she just nodded at me.

"How have you been at U.A.?" It took me a while to answer, but as I thought about my response, the images of Katsuki flashed in my mind, making me smile like a love-struck teenager.

"It's been amazing," my eyes moved down to my food, and I kept eating when nobody said anything else.

//////

When the clock hit ten-fifty, I got a message.

BabySuki;

You can come over, (M/n).

I'll be waiting for you~

I let out a breath, and silently I got up, changed out of my pajamas and grabbed what I needed. My phone, too. And I mentally cursed to myself when I remembered that I left my keys downstairs.

But anyway, I moved my window blinds and looked out. My bedroom was on the second floor, so I was searching for somebody outside to stop their legs and be able to jump out of my window.

Bingo.

I saw a man walking and talking on his phone from the street across my house, I stopped his legs and I heard his groan from here. I enhanced my legs and sat on my window, getting ready to jump.

My fall wasn't as noisy as I expected, so it was easy to just speedwalk from here to Katsuki's house.

On my way there, my hands were shaking and I was almost sweating. I was beyond nervous, like, you have no idea how fucking scared I am right now. Setting an alarm on my phone proved to be quite difficult.

But when I saw the Bakugou's household, I knew I couldn't back out now. So, trying to calm myself down, I got my phone out to text Katsuki.

;I'm here.

Before even a minute passed after my text, the front door was opening, and Katsuki was there.

As I got close I noticed his appearance. He was wearing a tight tank top and loose sweatpants, but his face was red and he seemed to be almost drooling.

For an instant, I got worried that he might be sick or something, but when I stood in front of him, he just yanked me inside his house and jumped on me, wrapping my hips with his legs.

I closed the door behind me, and I placed him against it. He smirked and bit his bottom lip, making me lick my lips instinctively.

"You can do whatever you want to me, (M/n)." Katsuki muttered and his legs tightened his grip on my hips, making me get closer to him, "I'm yours tonight~"

My hand moved up to his face, and I cupped his cheeks, smiling at him sweetly, "I'm going to make love to you, Katsuki." I kissed him slowly, parting my lips to let my tongue out, caressing his plump lips.

Katsuki let me in, and as our tongues collided I walked us to his room. When I reached the stairs, unfortunately, I had to back away, but Katsuki leaned down to my neck, where he left plenty of kisses and a few bites.

It felt good, and every time his lips or teeth touched my sweet spot a shiver ran down my spine, making me hold him tighter.

After I opened his bedroom door, I laid him down on his bed, going back to the door to lock it.

When I turned back around, the sight in front of me made my blood boil south. Katsuki had his hand under his pants and underwear.

But he wasn't touching his dick.

"(M/n)... I want you... here..." he said between gasps as his body squirmed around on his bed.

Letting out a heavy sigh, I got out the lube and condoms, placing them on his nightstand so I could take off my hoodie and shoes.

I got in between his legs and leaned down to kiss him again. He hugged me, and I felt the heat of his palm against me, but my t-shirt was tugged away from my skin, and I felt it falling off me.

When it was dangling from my shoulder, I snickered and pulled back.

"You could've told me to take it off, I loved this shirt," he chuckled and sat up, making me do it too.

"I liked it too, but it was covering the view of my hot boyfriend," I laughed at his comment, remembering a previous conversation.

"I am not 'hot', Katsuki." He groaned and sat on my lap, wrapping my neck with his arms.

"You do, but nobody knows because I'm the only one allowed to see it," Katsuki kissed me and I held his thighs, squeezing them every time his hips moved against mine.

We parted for a second and I took off his tank top, throwing it somewhere in the room. I slipped my hands inside his sweatpants and squeezed his ass, Katsuki moaned against my lips and laid down, taking me down with him.

"Undress me, (M/n)." I licked my lips as I slowly pulled down Katsuki's pants, caressing his smooth skin on the way.

I threw them somewhere too, and I noticed Katsuki looking down at my lower body, the tent inside my pants was noticeable and the want in his eyes was too. He wanted me and that made me flustered, but also a bit relieved.

I leaned down to kiss him again. His hand pushed down on my lower back to make me press against him. My hips moved on their own with Katsuki's, and we grinded on each other for a while as I wondered how I should prepare him, and I pulled away when I decided.

"Turn around, Katsuki." He looked at me confused.

"What for?" I gulped nervously and stroked his face.

"I have to prepare you, puppy." Katsuki blushed and shook his head.

"I-I can do it on my own, y... you don't need t-to..." I smiled softly at him and pecked his lips.

"I know, but I want to do it. Would you let me?" His blush remained, darkening even, but he nodded, and hesitantly, he turned around.

I held his hips and made him lift them, keeping his upper body pressed on the bed. My fingers hooked on the waistband of his boxers and pulled them down.

A pink and puckered entrance greeted me. I bit my lip and my breath quickened. I heard Katsuki groan and I looked at him.

"This is so embarrassing..." I grinned and moved over him to kiss him in between his shocker blades.

"I know baby, but I'll do it as fast as I can, okay?" He nodded pressing his face on the pillow and gripping the bedsheets.

I moved back to my previous position and took a deep breath... Okay, here I go.

My head lowered and I poked my tongue out, slowly dragging it against his hole.

"Wha-!" Katsuki turned his head to look over his shoulder, "(M/n) that's d-dirty, don't... do that-ah!" I interrupted him by pressing my tongue harder, penetrating him.

Katsuki was whimpering a lot, covering his face with the pillows and gripping the bedsheets. His hips were thrusting back at me, only fueling my confidence and allowing me to keep going.

"Ahh! Yes, t-that's so good... your tongue is... amazin-AH! (M/n)~"

Without backing away, I looked at Katsuki's body. He was trembling and whining quite a bit, so I moved my tongue around a bit more, before pulling away.

Katsuki's legs gave out under him as he struggled to steady his breath, and I reached out to grab the bottle of lube. I opened it and squeezed, getting some of the transparent and sticky substance on my fingers. He was already wet inside, so as I pressed my index on his entrance, it went in with ease.

Katsuki groaned, and with shaky legs, he raided his hips again. I moved my finger around a bit, loosening him enough before pressing my middle finger, and pushing it in.

"Gh... ahh~" Katsuki moaned quietly as my fingers stretched him out slowly. I leaned down to plant kisses on his shoulders and back, trying to relax him. I had two fingers inside of him, while my free arm was over his shoulder.

Katsuki gripped my bicep and the bed sheets, gasping every few seconds.

But, where was this spot...?

I moved my fingers around experimentally, pressing randomly against his tight walls, feeling around as I searched for small a bump, until-

"GAH~!" Katsuki's back arched as he moaned out loudly, and I kept pressing there, thrusting my fingers in and out of him. "Ah! (M/n)!" His forehead rested on my forearm, the moaning muffled by the pillow.

But I wanted him to keep moaning like that.

So I put in a third finger and pressed hard on his prostate.

"Fuck!" Katsuki was moaning nonstop now. I couldn't really see his expression, but with the noises he was letting out, I knew how good he was feeling. "Yes yes yes! There... please, do it... there-ah!"

A sudden stinging pain filled my arm, and when I looked over Katsuki's shoulder, I saw why. He was biting my arm, harshly. Probably drawing out some blood. It was weirdly arousing, seeing Katsuki attempting to cover how good he was feeling.

Now my sadistic side was coming out.

My fingers curled constantly against his prostate without giving him a break, making his body tremble with pleasure.

"Shit! Fuck! I'm-Ahh! I'm cu-cumming..." his moans and whimpers were music to my ears, and I moved my fingers quicker, "(M/N)!"

His body shook underneath me, and I rode out his climax, slowly stroking his prostate. When his breathing was normalizing, I pulled my fingers out of him and made him turn to look at me.

I inspected his body and then the bedsheets, but I found no semen stain.

"Did you just have a... dry orgasm?" He nodded weakly and I smiled at him sweetly, leaning down to kiss his red cheeks. "Do you want to stop, Katsuki? You seem already worn out."

He shook his head eagerly from side to side, "I want this... and you want it too... I'll be fine, (M/n)." His arms wrapped around my neck, pulling me down and kissing me.

Katsuki's hands trailed down to my chest before going lower to grip the hem of my pants

"Take them off," he mumbled against my lips, and I got up from him, taking off my pants and underwear.

When I was completely naked, Katsuki's eyes widened as he stared at me up and down, I felt kind of conscious about my body, but I tried to push that feeling away.

I got in between his legs again, and as soon as I did, Katsuki held my neck and wrapped his legs around my waist, pulling me down in an instant to kiss me. He was moving his hips towards me, my hardened dick gracing his entrance, making us gasp.

"Katsuki, wait... I need the... condom..." I said in between breaths as he wouldn't stop trying to get my dick inside of him.

"I want it in... now, I don't care about the fucking condom..." he muttered desperately in my ear, his warm breath on my skin making me tremble, "(M/n), I need you~"

Closing my eyes tightly and breathing heavily, I calmed myself down. When I thought about this situation, I imagined a calm and loving scene, I never would've imagined Katsuki would be this desperate... for my dick.

I reached out to grab a condom, and I opened it, prying myself away from Katsuki's hold and put it on. Now, the lube-

"You don't need that," Katsuki growled as he pushed me, making me sit on his bed, he leaned down and kept his hips raised before looking up at me and smirking. "Enjoy my mouth, (M/n)."

What...?

A groan escaped my mouth when Katsuki wrapped his swollen lips on my shaft. I gulped and stared down at him.

He was taking my cock so greedily... but if he keeps going I'll be cumming soon. I let him bob his head a few times, as I gasp and hold onto my self-control.

"Katsuki... t-that's en-enough..." I held his shoulder and pushed him away, he groaned around me, making me bite my tongue at the pleasure it sent through my body, but I made him sit up.

"I was just-" I interrupted him as I kissed him, slowly and carefully, conveying to him how important this moment was, and how we shouldn't rush anything because of our hormones.

Katsuki moaned against my lips and hugged my neck, his fingers playing with my hair as I made him lie on the bed once more.

"Now," I whispered on his lips when we barely separated to take a breath, "I'll be doing the rest, it'll hurt but... I will be gentle, okay?" Katsuki looked into my eyes, his crimson-coloured ones looking so soft and vulnerable as he nodded once.

"I love you, (M/n)." My breath hitched, every time I heard him saying that, it set my heart on a race. I smile brightly at him.

"I love you too, puppy. With all my heart." We kissed again, and while we did, I moved my hand to align my member with his entrance.

Slowly, I pushed the tip in and Katsuki gasped, digging his nails into my scalp making me release a low groan. It hurts, but Katsuki was in worse pain than I was so I won't complain.

"S-shit, it... burns," Katsuki hissed, and when I looked at him he had his eyes closed tight, biting his lip hard. I leaned down and traced his face with kisses, whispering uncountable 'I love you's' after every single one, he growled and pushed my head into his neck. "You're making me feel... more embarrassed, shut... up for a bit."

I snickered but shut up nonetheless, I trailed my hands to hold his waist, caressing his soft skin with my fingertips. Katsuki moved his hands too, holding my face and making me look at him.

An instant loving smile plastered my face when we made eye contact. He blinked quickly a few times, before looking away with a huff, but stared back at me again.

"You can move now," he mumbled, his cheeks getting darker and his eyes glistening. I graced my bottom lip with my teeth and leaned down to kiss him again.

My hold on his waist tightened a bit, and very slowly started thrusting inside of him. Katsuki gasped and turned his head away, a pained expression on his features. I moved until my dick was all the way inside of him, making me gasp as I felt his tight walls around me.

Shit, I want to move-

"Gngh..." -but Katsuki wasn't ready yet, so I stayed still for a while longer and I distracted him with kisses on his lips, on his cheeks and down to his neck, where I left bite marks and small hickies. "(M/n)~"

His moan sent shivers down my spine and I was sure my hands were going to leave bruises on his body. He kept moaning as I played with his neck and collarbone, but when his legs wrapped around my hips I went back to his lips.

And I kissed him as I moved my hips against his again.

"Ngh!" He held me closer with his limbs, and I placed one of my hands by his head to keep myself up.

Whenever I went in completely, Katsuki tightened around me, making me groan deeply, so I placed my mouth on his neck, muffling my noises on Katsuki's skin. He was moaning a lot, but it wasn't loud, it was more like breathless moans, and I thought it was cute, but I needed more.

So I shifted my hips a bit, kneeling on the bed and making Katsuki's hips raise. One of his hands was tangled in my hair while the other was wrapped around my back, pushing me closer to him.

"(M/n)... move f-faster, please..." he whimpered and I growled.

"As you wish, puppy."

"Ahh~ F-fuck! Yes yes..." my hair was pulled harshly and I felt a stinging pain on my back.

My teeth gritted as I began thrusting faster and harder inside Katsuki, his moans getting louder with each passing second. And he was becoming more aggressive too.

The hair pulling was arousing to me and the scratches were too, but his fangs were piercing my skin.

"Katsuki, that... hurts," I hissed trying to back away from him for a moment, but he kept me trapped with his limbs.

Okay, he wants it rough, I'll give him rough.

I gripped his hair and tugged it back, his mouth released my shoulder, and I held him down by his wrists.

When I looked down at him...

"Fucking shit..."

Katsuki was breathing heavily, moans escaping his lips and his dick was leaking with pre-cum. He groaned when I stopped moving and he squirmed around.

"Katsuki?" I called out to him and we made eye contact.

"D-don't stop n-now, (M/n)... it feels so g-good..." I felt my dick twitching inside him and he gasped loudly, "You're still... getting bigger? F-fucking asshole."

I let go of his wrist to grip his hips, pressing his body to mine. He whimpered as I went in deeper, and his hands held the pillow under his head desperately.

"Goddamn it, (M/n), y-you're even deeper inside me now." Katsuki's dick twitched and it leaked even more.

I smirked down at him, "Get ready for the time of your life, puppy."

What followed my words was an unstoppable chain of noises. Moans, gasps and whines left Katsuki's throat as I rammed my hips into his. I was grunting as Katsuki's insides wouldn't stop squeezing me whenever I pressed on his prostate.

But my thrusts were getting sloppy, and I felt my breath become irregular.

"K-Katsuki... you're so fucking t-tight..." Katsuki extended an arm and I leaned down, resting my forehead on his collarbone.

"A-and y-you're- Ah!... Too big."

Katsuki dug his nails on my back again, but I didn't pay any mind to that because a pair of pink, hard nipples, caught my attention.

I went down to them, reaching a hand up to rub the right one and lick the left. Katsuki whimpered my name, keeping my head on his chest.

I pinched it as I sucked on the other, barely gracing my teeth on it. And when it was perky, covered in my drool, I swapped.

"Yes, (M/n)... I'm-shit! I'm going to cum... please, go faster, fuck~..."

I growled and hugged his waist, my arms completely wrapping around him, having his entire lower half off the bed, and resting my body weight on top of Katsuki's body, "Goddamn it, Katsuki... I love you, puppy." He gasped and wrapped me with his limbs, his palms heating against my back.

"I-I love y-you too, (M-M/n). I love you..." With his words, my heart felt like it was going to explode, sending a shiver from my head to my toes.

I felt my quirk activating on its own and I tried not to look at him, even when Katsuki moved my head to kiss me, I just closed my eyes. The kiss was sloppy, but it was a kiss that conveyed our feelings perfectly.

I got control over my quirk back, and I opened my eyes. Katsuki's eyes were glossy with tears, some of them had already dripped down his temples, and there was some drool peeking from the corner of his mouth.

I pressed our foreheads together, and we stared at each other while moans and groans filled the room.

"I love you..." We whispered in unison and we instantly smiled together.

"(M/n)..." Both of his heated palms cupped my face, but he wasn't burning me, it was rather nice.

"Katsuki..." As if we were reading the other's mind, we leaned in to kiss.

A slow, loving and caring kiss.

But Katsuki's climax made him arch his back and openly moan my name. I reached my own orgasm too, and I muffled my growl biting the crook of Katsuki's neck.

We were both panting when we got down from our high, but before we fell asleep I pulled out of him and took off the condom, I tied it and went to his bathroom so I could throw it away.

When I walked back in, Katsuki was covering his lower body with the sheets, but I saw the cum still on his abdomen. I chuckled and walked back into the bathroom, grabbing a towel and wetting it a bit.

Katsuki stared at me with half-lidded eyes, and I realized I was still naked, but it didn't make me feel self-conscious. I wiped his abs clean but before I could get up to wash it, Katsuki grabbed it from my hand and tossed it somewhere.

"Sleep with me, (M/n)..." He whispered and I smiled, nodding and getting in the bed by his side.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his face on my chest.

"I love you, puppy." He looked up at me, smiled and pecked my lips, getting back to his previous position.

"I love you too, hun."

[sweetestlittledarling]

The First Argument

Rating: PG

Summary: Asra has a traumatic flashback as he remembers his and Robin's first fight.

Note: Written for @vesuviaweekly 's prompt 'First Argument'. Been a bit since I have written anything but trying to get back in.

...

“Fudge!”

              Asra stopped almost instantly. He had just been gathering some things knowing that he would soon have to leave again and then, just as he was coming down the stairs, he heard the sound of Robin’s voice, and he froze. It wasn’t so much the word that Robin spoke, especially given that Asra found Robin’s inability to actually curse rather endearing. It was the tone that made Asra’s heart begin to race. It was not a tone he was used to hearing come Robin. Even before…well, the before, Robin rarely was angry, or at least to the point of allowing it to show outside. He had always been gentle and good-natured. How ever at that moment, looking into Robin’s face Asra could only see the down turned eyebrows, the gritted teeth, and…Asra’s mind was instantly taken back to the only time he had ever seen Robin angry. It felt so long ago and yet so clear in his mind.

              They had both said things they didn’t mean.

              “We lost our home once and you are expecting us to just leave this one?”

              Asra’s heart began to pound as his eyes grew wide. Up until then they had never had a fight like that before. Asra could still feel the sting of the words as they came back to him.

              “Go then, runaway! It’s what you do best isn’t it?”

              It’s what you do best isn’t it?

              Isn’t it?

              ISN’T IT?

              “Asra!”

              Asra jumped back to reality as he found Robin’s attention had turned to him any trace of rage gone. It took a moment for Asra to swallow past the lump that had formed in his throat. He couldn’t even think how long he might have been standing there.

              Robin took a step forward. “Are you o- “

              “I’m fine,” Arsa said quickly, doing his best to push down the sudden panic in favor for a look of calm control. It took a lot of focus which he knew he was going to pay for later, but he managed.

              Robin stepped back hesitantly. “Okay,” he said, still looking unsure, “I am sorry if I startled you or anything just now. I mean I was being rather loud and using some not so cool language.” He then let out a little laugh. “Though if Sparrow were here, I’m sure she’d say otherwise.”

              “Probably,” Asra agreed. Though the air was starting to ease, he couldn’t seem to shake the chill running through him, nor the thoughts in his mind. He needed to get out of there before he broke down. He put on his best smile as he gripped the strap of his bag. “I’m going away for a bit.”

              “Oh?” Robin asked, the hurt look returning to his eyes, “Do you know when you will be- “

              “Soon,” Asra assured, though it wasn’t like his usual assurances which would have tried to calm Robin’s hurt as best he could. His mind was a jumble, and it didn’t help that every moment he stood there it was getting worse. “I will be back soon. A few days at most. You will hardly know I was gone.” He knew that was a lie, Robin always noticed.

              Run away, it’s what you do best isn’t it?

              Asra moved quickly to the door, hoping to be beyond it before he lost control. He needed to leave, not be in this space anymore, not with all these memories- His thoughts stopped suddenly as he felt a hand grab his wrist. He was about to reach door, it was within his reach. But first he looked down and found Robin holding his wrist firmly. Asra turned in surprise to see Robin looking at him with both concern and a little bit of panic.

              “Sorry!” Robin said, quickly letting go and rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “I saw that you were upset, and I think I panicked. I mean, I panicked mostly because all I could think about was that you were clearly upset and I couldn’t let you leave upset and…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have grabbed you.”

              Does he remember? Asra asked himself. Looking at Robin’s apologetic face now another memory came to him, this one a bit sadder.  

              “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it. I said cruel things and I regretted them the minute you left. I wish I could take it all back and have you back with me.”

              It would be so easy to run away at that moment but at that moment Asra instead reached out a hand and touched Robin’s arm. “Thank you,” he said, smile coming easy now as tenseness faded leaving behind actual calm. “You are right, one should never leave upset nor angry, especially when one never knows if they can come back or not. I often forget that, but I am glad you have reminded me.” He felt a small surge of happiness as Robin blushed at his words.

              “Well, you are welcome,” Robin said, smiling a little, “and I am really sorry about before. I wasn’t angry I swear. I was more frustrated.”

              “Frustrated?”

              “Yeah, I was practicing that spell you were teaching us the other day. I was noticing how Lark and Sparrow caught on rather quickly and I wanted to practice a little and maybe show you my progress, but I was having trouble remembering some of the hand movements and I kept messing up, and then I lost my cool which as you know is not something I like to do. I am always telling Lark and Sparrow, there are better ways of dealing with being upset then losing your temper and snapping.” Robin blushed more as he realized what he just said. “Man, I just sounded like a dad, didn’t I?”

              Robin’s face was so sweet that Asra couldn’t help but laugh. It was a happy laugh as he felt the warmth come rushing back to him in only the way Robin could do. “Maybe a little,” Asra said, as his laughter calmed, “but I think it’s more that you sound like someone with his heart in the right place and I have liked that about you.” He gave Robin a gentle smile. “Now, it wouldn’t be right if I left you here frustrated over something I taught you, so I think a bit of a private tutoring lesson is in order don’t you agree?”

              Robin’s smile was brilliant. “Yes, I would like that.”

              And that night Asra didn’t runaway.

…

Author notes:

This takes place probably sometime before the game (probably early on as the relationship is still building). I imagine Robin doesn’t ever remember the fight that took place that night though he has apologized for it. He’s actually done this twice since before death, he came to Asra in a dream apologizing as he couldn’t leave the living world without saying goodbye. This sends Asra back to Vesuvia and starts the whole thing that brings about the story in the game.

I have also started thinking Robin might be a little softer in this life then his first, probably because he doesn’t remember what came before that forced him and his family to leave. He also has lost a great deal of his magic which is the reason he isn't as strong at this point.

Lark is like his brother where he doesn’t often lose his temper. It’s not so much that he doesn’t get angry though, more like he either lets it wash off him because he doesn’t care (like water off a duck’s back kind of thing) or he lets off his anger by pulling a prank or two. In recent years it’s been more the first but as a young man some bullies got some epic comeback.

Sparrow is probably the most likely member of the family to actually be in an argument given that she is the ‘Spirited ‘one and can hold her own in a fight. She has punched a man before (defending Lark) and is the person to most likely get physical if need be. She and Julian rarely fight (both too anxious to do so) though they have had disagreements about the Leeches and where they stay. Sparrow is also the queen if of ‘The Look’ which has ended many an argument.

I had an earlier version of this making more fun of Robin’s inability to curse that didn’t work out, but I think it’s really funny that he’s been such a dad so long he’s basically just physically blocked the idea of cursing from his mind. He has come up with some creative alternatives though.

[princess-of-the-corner]

So, more serious musings on Aware Lila.

I tend to gloss over post Season 3 stuff due to not really watching it extensively or at all and not liking what I heard though I will borrow bits and pieces from time to time.

With that in mind, Lila is where she's at in season 1 to 3.

IE, she has one mother, a Madame Rossi who is an Italian Diplomat recently moved to France. She is a woman who is evidently either profoundly gullible or profoundly checked out when it comes to parenting. Given Lila was able to stay home for six months based on a lie, despite efforts by the school to reach her.

Given her line of work I am going to say its the second one, as I know some people who work in the diplomat cores and unless you are a major nepotism hire, you are fucked if you aren't at least decent at your job and being easy to lie to will fuck you over.

With that reference point of RL in mind too I have a fun observation.

Its been noted to me that children of diplomats tend to come up a bit oddly. An anecdote I was told involved a six year old clicking their fingers for a wait, doing the finger swirl and casually ordering a round of drinks for their table of other children.

The main take away is that diplomat kids tend to be expected to or by dint of circumstances, start acting like mini adults.

This works well for Lila cos she is rather like Chloe in that both come off as presenting as older than they are in terms of fashion and manner and the like. Not totally, but of all the class they feel the least "Childlike" upon a quick glance.

Moving on from that, we know Lila lies a lot and wants people to admire her and she's convincing enough that she can usually get away with it for long enough periods of time that her mothers never noticed.

She's also prone to intense reactions that dwarf even Chloe's most bitter grudge holding given she spent six months locked in her room faking being in Achu. Even when it was clear the class still bought her deceptions she didn't go back.

I will note some of this could be tied to Hawk Moth as Nathalie did note they'd apparently been keeping an eye on or perhaps handling her in that interim. Still, girl has a temper and grudges and clearly doesn't see her mother as someone to confide in.

With all this in mind, here's what I think her situation is:

Her mother is a diplomat, and a fairly high ranked one. Enough so that Lila actually can occasionally get pictures with notable figures at events, which helps sell her lies.

This means she is an intensely busy person and they never stay anywhere for more than a few years. Meaning Lila's never really had a chance to put down roots that didn't get ripped out & her mother doesn't prioritize her needs.

Madame Rossi also expected Lila to be able to be 'mature' beyond her years when meeting others, dealing with her not being home and to otherwise get along well with others and not cause her problems.

I imagine she's very much one of those, "I work hard for you. Look at all the nice things you own because I work hard. Is it so difficult for you to just not complain, just not cause trouble?"

IE, neglectful, has high-ish expectations but only in the sense that Lila not make waves and if so barely checking in on her and prone to emotional manipulation like guilting or shaming.

So yeah, Lila' definitely abused. She's very much a latch key kid, but one who was chastized for being a kid and wasn't able to form long lasting connections to support her in place of a family.

To compensate for the utter dearth of affection and lacking sense of home and identity, she sought the approval of others but only in the most superficial sense. This means her mother won't complain, and she won't get attached, while still getting a form of positive affirmation.

If thing start to get hard, she will lie, neg, shame and guilt others to keep the con going. Because that's how her mother kept her pliant for as long as she did until Lila just stopped viewing her as anything other than another person to lie to to get what she wants. It is an incredibly empty life with a flashy mask.

Like with the others I doubt she will consider herself abused, though she might be the most willing to say it but the least willing to mean it. She'll likely be dismissive or defensive, quick to cast off the idea that her actions are motivated by anything other than desire or aren't justified. & that she likes having a mother who is so disinterested Lila can 'do anything.

She likely has a bit of Chloe's "I can make X parent do what I want by playing this role or telling this lie" and feigning it makes her happy to have the situation "In control" like that. But its just another way of trying to give herself the impression of control in a life she actually has zero control over. Where everything could slip away at any moment.

Why she reacts so intensely to what went down in Volpina is harder to say:

Is it just that she's never had this happen before and wildly overreacted by pretending to move away? Or is it that it evokes a different time she was uncovered? Or is t a trauma response? Or did it come down to just her being pissed off initially and then Hawk Moth continuing to stoke the flames to keep it going?

But I think this is a pretty good personality profile.

Or at least I hope so.

Oh yeah no 100% this is about what I have her for HC/LL aka: not conning a bunch of women

I also added things in for like. Her former classmates accidentally enabled her by giving her stories more attention than her, Lila learning the lesson of 'if one person unravels the lie, they all turn on me and act horrible' which causes her to discredit anyone who catches on, and her dad dying right before moving to Paris which is why she's scrambling so desperately to cling to this little 'happiness' she's created.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Not really a question but I just need to say this to someone who will understand. Also, people have asked you questions what a meltdown looks like. So this is mine, one of the worst I've ever had in my adult life.

I'm 40 years old and am so good at masking that I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until my mid-30s. Normally, I can blend into most social situations. However, I have been in constant pain for 2 months due to a medical issue, and the exhaustion of pain that will never stop has eroded away all the mask. I am now 100% Naked Autistic, because I am burned out beyond anything I've ever felt in my life.

Yesterday I had a complete and utter meltdown in the doctor's office, and it was terrifying. First, he entered the room angry, yelling at me to "stop being rude to my staff". I'm extremely sensitive to being called "rude" because that's what I've been called all my life, just for existing. I've internalized it and now I know, my existence is rude. So whenever someone calls me "rude", it hurts very deeply, even when I'm NOT in a burnout state.

This doctor was SO angry and yelled at me SO much and I couldn't hold it together, I started to cry. He told me to calm down "or else", but I was already in the middle of a meltdown, I literally couldn't.

Then he gave me bad medical news. My test results were inconclusive and didn't show what was wrong with me. Which meant there was no hope of my pain ending any time soon.

Thankfully my mother was there and she helped me communicate, and we at least got him to order more tests, and to prescribe me a new medication to try. But at no point did he become kind or merciful; it was clear from his face that he just wanted me out of his sight as quickly as possible, because I am "rude".

At that point I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I turned into an animal. I had to escape; my flight response kicked in HUGE. I ran out of there. The minute I was in the hall I started to scream at the top of my lungs, and I could not stop. I punched the concrete wall over and over (my hand is all bruised today, I think I'm lucky that it's not broken). People in the hall were terrified of me. Rightly so. I was violent and out of control. I tried to rip the pictures of the walls, but they were screwed down.

My mother was brilliant. She knew I couldn't stop, or speak, or listen. She said to me "Our goal is to get to the car. Let's get to the car. We can do it." Simple, clear direction that was easy to follow. I couldn't stop screaming or crying, but I could walk. She put her hand on my shoulder and guided me, down the hall, out the door, into the car. Because if I'd stayed in the building with that behavior, police could have been called. Very bad things could have happened. She saved me from that.

I screamed in the car for a long time. I could only sob and cry and scream. I think about a half hour went by. It was a long time. Finally, because I was in a safe place (our familiar car), with a person I trusted (my mother), the worst of the meltdown passed and I was able to stop screaming.

I was exhausted. I was terrified. My hand was killing me. I was like a puppy or a little child, helpless to my overwhelming emotions. Eventually, Mom asked if I'd like to get a donut from the donut shop across the street. She moved my mind onto something else. The donut tasted delicious (I mean its a donut), and that pleasant sensory input helped me focus my mind. I finally calmed down enough that we could talk.

I am 40 years old, live independently, have a professional career, a long-term relationship with my partner, and otherwise appear to be a "successful allistic". But yesterday, I was absolutely nonfunctional. If I didn't have my needs supported by my mother, who knows what could have happened.

I am much better today. Exhausted from everything, but not overwhelmed anymore. I'm telling this story so that others who go through a meltdown can know what it is- and why they're suddenly acting like that. It's because of my autistic brain, and the fact that it was overwhelmed with more emotion than a body can handle or express.

But it passes. It ends. The next day comes, and you can try to heal.

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m not sure if you’re seeing that doctor or not, but I would try and distance myself if you work together, or see each other.

That doctor, or whoever it was, is the rude one, yelling at people and being disrespectful and not understanding. Who walks in and randomly starts yelling at people?

I sometimes have my boyfriend or mom speak for me because sometimes I don’t know what to say or do in certain situations.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks again for sharing. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

Also please try and get away from that doctor. Reading this made me sad and angry. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Sending a hug.

[getablog]

Today is R U OK Day. And, to be honest, I am not OK with this

R U OK Day, to me, embodies the absolute worst of corporate "look at me, I care" posturing about something that is incredibly fucking serious.

I absolutely fucking hate R U OK Day. It is, without a doubt, the worst day of the year. Perhaps April Fools’ Day would compete for top step on the podium. But it is those two, and then daylight and a handful of geological ages before you get to third place.

R U OK Day embodies the absolute worst of corporatised, tokenistic bullshit that puts a thin veneer of engagement above and well and truly beyond giving the underlying issues the briefest of consideration.

A couple of unorganised points in particular:

1. Demanding vulnerability at work

I like my job. I enjoy where I work. I would consider a number of the people I work with friends. But the idea that I am going to randomly, on one particular day in September, start openly discussing my mental health with them is absurd.

No one should be made to feel like they are being forced to disclose something about themselves they are unwilling, and not at all needing, to share.

I do not attend work to be bullied into discussing my health - mental or otherwise - because someone somewhere needs to be seen to care about it.

2. No, I am not OK. Now what?

From the R U OK website:

inspire and encourage everyone to meaningfully connect with the people around them and start a conversation about those in their world who may be struggling with life.

But what you going to actually do to help them? Do you even have the skills to help? To make their situation better?

Or is the important thing that you’re gossiping about Derek’s struggles with his divorce over lunch and going "oh it’s just so sad"?

Even if your participation isn’t that cynical, there is a real chance that you could make someone’s situation even worse than it already is.

3. Mental heath services

It can be incredibly difficult to access adequate mental health services.

Even once you do get your foot in the door, it can then be incredibly expensive. Or require you to wait a substantially long time.

For myriad reasons (mostly the same neoliberal culture war bullshit that has destroyed so much over the course of my nearly 40 years on this planet) the ability of people to access the care and support they need from actual professional health practitioners has been made more and more difficult.

Maybe, just maybe, spend 10 or 15 seconds thinking about that while you’re chowing down on your stale cupcake and bland over-milked coffee in the featureless pod that is your staff meal room.

4. Where’s your money going?

So you’re doing a fundraiser. Do you know where that money is going? What it gets put towards?

Once a charity reaches a certain size, and gains a certain reputation, more and more of the money it raises goes to keeping the enterprise running, rather than doing things that matter.

This may not be the case with R U OK, I am not going to check, I don’t care.

But if you want to make a tangible difference to how mental health is identified, supported and treated, I can guarantee you there are better things to do then throw a few bucks into a tin that is already pretty full.

I mean, when the website lists nearly a dozen household brand names as corporate partners, you know they are not short of a quid.

[sparklyfaerie]

My Naruto Fanfic Masterlist:

🔥 = Smut

⚠⚠⚠ All fics are SasuSaku unless otherwise noted. ⚠⚠⚠

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Series: Perfume and Ozone - Childhood friends AU slow burn

1. Rays of Spring Sunshine: (Complete)

Sakura had been by his side since he lost his family, following him around since they were seven years old, trying to ease his loneliness in whatever way she could. He didn’t even know why he allowed it. He just silently allowed her to claim the seat next to him at the beginning of every term.

2. Blooming and Bonfires: (In Progress)

Sasuke has not turned his back on vengeance—but neither has he chosen to pursue Orochimaru’s offer of training. He will gain the power to kill his brother without the help of murderers and traitors; instead, he will rely on his team. But Orochimaru is watching. Waiting. He will not be denied.

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Series: Spring Anew - Oneshot series set in the Blank Period

1. (we bloom during) Hanami: 🔥

He wants her to say it first; he wants her to take the burden from him and put voice to what’s growing between them. It’s the only way, he knows, that he won’t feel like he’s being selfish and pressuring her into anything.

2. (the journey to) Mankai: 🔥

“I’m pregnant.” She blurts. His mouth snaps shut as his eyes widen. It… shouldn’t be so surprising. They’re a young, active couple constantly on the move and without ready access to birth control. It was only a matter of time.

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Series: Heart and Home - (AU pre-Gaiden, where Sasuke’s long mission ends early

1. Coming Home:

She finds Sasuke holding their daughter while she sobs against his chest. He’s murmuring to her—“I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m here.”

2. Looking Forward:

Sasuke has been home six months when Sarada brings up the question: "Now that Papa's home am I going to get a brother or sister?"

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Multichapter Stories:

Hatsukoi: Non-Massacre AU / Other POV fic (Complete)

Sasuke leans away as the girl turns to him, and his mother doesn't need to be any closer to guess as to the expression on his face. The girl's body language changes in an instant, and Mikoto recognises the posture of a little girl in love. It's kind of adorable.

From Heaven to Hell: Sakura gets the curse mark AU (Incomplete, currently on hiatus)

The smallest of errors can weave catastrophic consequences; so when Sakura threw herself in front of Sasuke and received the Curse Seal of Heaven in his stead, she doomed herself. That’s what everyone always said, anyway.

About-Face: Sasuke returns to Konoha six months after abandoning it AU (ongoing)

When Sasuke realises his mistake, it’s not too late. Three months on, almost to the day, and it still aches. He misses his friends. He misses their clumsy way of showing that they cared. There’s not a damn soul in this place that cares about him; not beyond his role as Orochimaru’s favourite. But he’s not been declared a rogue yet, even after everything he did. He could go home, if he wanted to.

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Blank Period Oneshots: No continuity

Come Undone: 🔥 To the outside world, Uchiha Sasuke is cold and aloof, a man devoid of passion. But here, in Sakura's bedroom, he burns.

Endearment: 🔥 It takes him almost a month to realise that she hasn't once referred to him by name since the wedding.

Restraint: (mild bondage) 🔥 Sasuke does not often exert this kind of dominance over her.

Surrender: (bondage) 🔥 “I should put you over my knee for your cheek.” He teases.

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Boruto-Era Oneshots:

Paring: (Primarily Sarada&Sasuke relationship, with some mild background SasuSaku) "Mama, what's this?" / "It's Papa's special chopping board." || Sarada is always hungry for information on Papa. He’s been gone a very long time, after all. She thinks she vaguely remembers a man with dark hair and eyes just like hers smiling down at her—but she’s not even sure if that memory is real, or something her brain made up after staring at his picture for too long.

🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸 ♥ 🍅 ♥ 🌸

Looking for another fandom?

[yearofradicalselfbelief]

12/06/24

Did not mean to disappear, but life has been happening (as life has a way of doing) and I’m not too sure about this blog’s original goal. That’s not to say things aren’t going well! An exciting writing opportunity may or may not be on the horizon, but it’s largely out of my hands now and I’m very much just waiting and seeing, but otherwise life is just life-ing.

I did find out this year that there’s a strong chance that I’m neurodivergent – mostly after a friend who also is was like “listen, I have a hunch” and I did some research. I don’t have an official diagnosis, and seeking one out isn’t particularly realistic for me right now, but it definitely did shine a light on a lot of things that now make sense. And honestly? This discovery has been so good, but also something to sort of? Contend with? It’s been so nice to see a lot of what I previously considered my major flaws and realise there is an explanation for them, beyond “I’m a fucking idiot lolol” and all that. A quote I heard a lot at the start of my digging is that it’s a relief, because previously you live in a world of horses, built for horses, and you think “man, I’m such a shite horse” – and then you find out you’re actually a zebra, and a really good zebra, you’ve just previously been comparing yourself to something that is entirely different to you.

It's been a relief, in some ways, and it’s brought about a lot of forgiveness towards myself. But it’s also been really difficult. Especially the longer it sinks in, and the more used I get to the strong likelihood.

Previously, like a lot of neurodivergent women, I thought I just had bad social anxiety and depression, along with a hefty dose of C-PTSD (which I still do, it’s just rooted in something different to what I previously thought), which means that all of the symptoms were put into the perspective of something to be beaten and overcome. That if I just tried hard enough, I’d stop feeling so constantly painfully fucking awkward, I’d feel less lost in social situations, I’d suddenly gain some sort of charisma, a comfort in my own skin, nothing would hurt, everything would be golden. And realising this has uhhh…taken that possibility away.

In some ways, it’s a relief. Realising that it’s more of a feature than a bug – and that it’s an explanation for why I instantly click and feel comfortable with some people, while it takes more work with others (guess what I have in common with folk in the former camp) – does, to an extent, allow me to put down the sword and walk away from the battle. One that I didn’t have a hope in hell of winning. And in a way it’s good, because that acceptance does help me. It lets me sit in my discomfort and accept it, rather than making it worse by fighting it and seeing it as the symptom of some terrible mental illness that I need to conquer.

But…on the other hand I need to accept that it is just always going to be there, and that has been very difficult. Especially this week. I think it hit me properly this week. Because others sense it immediately – to the point where pretty much everybody knew this about me before I was ready to accept it, for better or worse. It’s what got me bullied throughout my school career, it’s what had the teachers asking my friends ‘is there something wrong with her?’ when that bullying was reported to them. It’s what had my mother despising me, because I wasn’t the social butterfly party animal northern lass of a daughter she’d envisaged. It’s what’s had people I previously considered close friends drunkenly making jabs about how painfully awkward I am, and how they wouldn’t want me around for important life events thanks to that.

And it’s just always going to be that way, isn’t it?

Sure, there are right crowds and right people, and there is a lot that I can probably thank this difference in me for. And I have to laugh that I’m discovering it at the same time I’m writing Here, Where Fire Grows, a fic where the OFC feels constantly othered and ostracised by people without being able to place why they immediately have her marked as different or less-than when she spends most of her time trying to blend in.

It's just a bit of a grieving process. Sure, I don’t need to fight the battle in overcoming this – because it can’t be overcome, and maybe it shouldn’t be overcome. I have a lot to thank it for. It leads me to finding people I do vibe with, I probably have it to thank for how obsessively I chase after my hobbies and skills, and my patron deity has an affinity for the outcasts, so maybe it’s even how he barrelled into my life. I would never want to change any of that. But it’s just accepting that this fabled day where I’m super socially savvy, charming and unawkward will never come. And I can’t lie, that does hurt a bit.

Sure, I’m a great zebra, but I am still living in a world made for horses. So I’m always going to be the awkward one, the one who needs to be explained before introduced, the one who’s only fun to hang out with if you’re willing to endure the awkward quietness the first few times before I get comfortable enough to not just go selectively mute. I’m always going to be the one who people see and immediately think there’s something not quite right, regardless of how much I’m probably internally panicking over trying to just seem fucking normal.

And honestly, the internet is a godsend. I’m so much better at communicating via text than speaking, because when I speak, I panic and I stutter, and unless I really concentrate, I’ll fuck up my sentences (not beating the awkward as fuck allegations, huh?) but then that adds extra panic, too, because I’ve made so many amazing friends online, and I die inside whenever one excitedly tells me they’re going to be coming through my city, because my first instant thought is “god, you’re going to be so fucking disappointed by how I am in person” – especially because in those cases, we don’t have time for the three hangouts before I manage to un-freeze enough to become who I actually am. And I can’t really bear the thought of that.

It’s just exhausting, if I’m being honest. And I do think finding acceptance will help me make strides forward, but even knowing that I don’t particularly have to fight the battle to be “normal” anymore, I feel like I’ve lost it once and for all now. I don’t want to be the one who constantly makes shit first impressions, or who has to apologise for being weird, or just apologise for existing in general, or who has to be explained before she’s introduced, or who thinks she has a really close friend only to be mocked for that awkwardness that she cannot help, and having that last bit happen enough that I’m in a constant state of waiting for it to happen with other, better friends, too.

People compliment me, and I’m just waiting for them to see the awkwardness and the differences, because surely they wouldn’t be giving those compliments if they’d noticed by now? Or if they have seen that and continue to actually hold me in some sort of high regard, I feel like I need to be fucking eternally grateful to them for being magnanimous enough to overlook my glaring flaws and other-ness in order to find one or two shreds that they kinda sorta like. Or hey, maybe they’re just lying and it’s all some cunning ruse. Very realistic and likely, right?

And people will love me anyway. Deep down, I know that. Whether it’s in spite of it, or because of it, they do and they will, but it’s so much harder for me to love myself while taking all of this in. I’m going through a bad bout of depression right now, and the overwhelming thought just utterly battering my skull is I don’t like anything about myself. Knowing that I am, to some extent, always going to be off-putting to people, always going to be laughed at or mocked for something that I can’t help and can’t even adequately cover up, and that I’m always going to feel like I’m living in a world where everybody else was given a map and a fully written guide on where to go, what to do, and how to act, when I wasn’t looking.

I’ll find my peace with it. As I said, a lot of this current feeling is just because I’m going through it with my depression right now. I’ve been the weird one all of my life, I’ll be the weird one for the rest of it. On a deeper level, I can find a lot about that to love. I wouldn’t want to blend in.  It’s just a grieving process, and I can’t skip straight to acceptance with this one.