#this is VERY personal

[veryintricaterituals]

Crowley is jewish, and he has deep soul wrenching jewish trauma but I'm not going to go into it because if I stopped and tried to analyze it as a jewish agnostic lesbian who lives in VERY Catholic country, in a city with almost no jews, I'd go into the existential crisis I've been avoiding for years and I just don't have time to deal with that at this moment. But what you need to know is that I firmly believe Crowley was at the trial Jews gave to G-d during the Holocaust and he smiled when we found Him guilty.

[miyuskye]

ready to fight anyone slandering pudding and sanji x pudding

[kingfinfat]

[abyssal-system]

It's late and we can't sleep so I thought I might as well use this blog for its actual intended purpose for once (a diary), so this post might be a little all over the place. im sort of stream-of-consciousness'ing this.

block the tag "#personal" if you dont want to see (potentially sad) personal ramblings / posts from us. be safe, curate your dash, i understand.

things have been very quiet system-wise lately. i think we have a new(?) alter but I'm not sure How new or why they split. I'm not even really sure if its not my imagination tricking me into mistaking an already established headmate as a new split...

i've been thinking about them for a little bit. They seem to go by Hadal (though thats also just a catch-all name for the system when we dont know whos fronting) and i have a sneaking suspicion that they've posted on this blog before.

I havent been dissociating as much lately which is good but ive also not been switching at all which is... not a bad thing really, i guess, but it certainly doesnt help ease my fears of Being A Faker.

i know that systems have quiet periods, and i know that me being frontstuck and also unwilling to change that (fear of loss of control is a pain) so thats probably the reason why, but its still unnerving being the only one around.

ive also been thinking about the logistics of getting a diagnosis... I have a lot of fears about the medical system and abuse within it, particularly being stuck in a mental health facility against my will with no way out. its prevented me from coming out as a system to my parents (who... I feel like theyd understand. not Understand, but im not in any danger if they know. i just worry itll change our relationship in some way, like they wont think im Me anymore) and its prevented me from seeking treatment and understanding of my disorder.

the online system community is also rife with toxicity and misinformation and i do not whatsoever feel safe interacting with people who seem to snap at others without warning, so I dont have many system friends out of fear of reliving past friend group drama

I imagine that the feeling of total isolation I feel is common among other systems, but it doesn't really help to know that. my near-debilitating anxiety controls every part of my life and prevents me from seeking help when i otherwise would have.

it also doesnt really help that the one time i tried to find a dissociation specialist, the only one i could find that said they were queer friendly was 4 hours away in another state.

... i might look again. I might just tell my parents so they can help me look for a therapist.

I worry about that though. I worry that since my plurality doesnt really impact my life all that much (i dont switch very often, I dont have amnesia barriers, and i dont lose control of my body fully when i switch out) that either means Im Faking or Its Not Bad Enough To Worry My Parents Over. Its Not Bad Enough To Drive Across The State To See A Therapist For It when i have a perfectly decent one less than 30 minutes away

... i dont know. it feels like i have all the pieces to get the ball rolling on ... Something? but im not really sure if its worth it. we barely have enough money to keep the pantry full for a week, let alone to switch therapists and drive for hours just so i can Maybe get coping mechanisms or something.

.... I dont really know how to end this. i hope this wasnt too negative for this blog, i know i try to focus on positivity and lighthearted subjects.

please be kind in the notes. there is a (very scared) person behind the screen and I am trying to be better about opening up about my worries. kind advice is always welcome though! if it doesnt help me it could potentially help somebody else.

[nando161mando]

There are now over 15 million empty homes in the US, and 650,000 homeless per the very bias official numbers, or 23 houses per person

[aesethewitch]

When I was a kid, we moved into a house that had a huge lilac tree out front. It was mostly rotten, and it needed to be taken down before it fell. It took a while, but eventually, it was gone.

Mostly. A couple years later, little lilac babies popped out of the ground in its place. My mom was determined to get rid of them, because she'd planted a beautiful flower garden there, and the lilac trees would overshadow and kill the whole garden. I insisted on saving at least a few saplings. She said fine, but I had to dig them out and put them in pots myself.

So, I did. I spent days digging little lilac bushes out of the ground and putting them into pots. Some couldn't be saved, but some could. When all was said and done, I had five brand-new lilac saplings. Seven or eight years old, and it was my absolute pride and joy.

Three died due to sun scorching, severe drought that no amount of watering could save, and perhaps just being moved from their place in the ground. But two survived, and I was awfully proud of them! I'd go out and talk to them every single day. I watered them by hand and made sure they were fertilized properly. I learned all about their favored environments, and I was determined to make sure they lived.

One of my mom's friends saw what I was doing with the lilacs. She asked if she could have one to put in her backyard, and I agreed on the condition that she take very, very good care of it.

It's now fucking enormous. I'm talking ten feet tall and bursting with beautiful purple flowers every spring. My mom still gets updates each year as they start to bloom, which she forwards to me. And all I can think is, "That's my friend! Thriving some twenty years on, there it is."

The other tree nearly died, too. It lived in a pot for far, far too long. I wanted to plant it somewhere in my parents' yard, but my mom was reluctant. Eventually, we agreed to put it in the far back garden. It grew okay for many years, despite the shade, but in all these years, it's never bloomed.

Last year, the massive tree casting massive shadows over the lilac and the garden cracked in half and fell. It tumbled into the garden, crushing part of the nearby shed and destroying a few plants beneath it.

It missed my lilac by inches.

The clean-up is long done. The rest of the tree has been cut down, and my lilac has full sunlight for the first time in fifteen years. It won't bloom this year, I know. But it's got new shoots up. It's taller than ever. I spent half an hour a few weeks ago praising it for surviving all this time, dreaming about its future and telling it how I believe it'll become the tall beauty it's always been meant to be.

I think next year, I'll see flowers.

[wildbasil]

things haven't been great but i think they will be. eventually 🌻🌼🩷

[ukrainian-groove-metal]

I love the "came back wrong" trope but from the opposite side.

Imagine you are dead. And then you are RIPPED from the embrace of decay into the world of the living again. Your memories are hazy and you don't recognize any of these people, but they act like they're close to you? Like they love you? So you try to get your memories back, to act like you belong here, but everybody tries to forget you died. And you can't. It is omnipresent. And just trying to grapple with that fact pushes the people who "love" you away, and they're incapable of understanding, and they're so confused, what's wrong N̶̄̀O̶͛͗T̷̉́ ̷͋͝Y̴̎̌Ȍ̴̈U̸̓R NÄM̴̃͑E̵̾̇? And you just need them to understand, you aren't that person! You aren't! You don't know who that person is! You don't know why any of this is happening, but they're unwilling to bend, they keep insisting you are that person, your memories will come back, everything will be normal again, and you want to scream and cry and claw yourself open to show them you're different. Your existence as a being wholly separate from whoever you "used to be" is a sin unto itself. All you can do is scrabble for life and to them, you're killing whoever they loved to do it.

just. lots of fun in that concept, you know?

[professor-pants]

Genre of character: submissive like a guard dog is submissive

[hejanic]

t4t bunnies

[kedreeva]

There's some dude (derogatory) on FB who is PISSED people are pricing their farm fresh eggs at $2 and $3 a dozen instead of $4+, saying it's "disrespectful" and "undignified" and "I'm trying to feed my kids" like Sir, you are on a Facebook group page bitching about your neighbors egg prices because your pet chickens aren't earning you a living wage and you think it's your neighbors' fault, you do not have a leg to stand on here wrt dignity.

Also half the answers are like "I give them to friends and family free" or "I donate them to food banks" or "I'm making them affordable to folks who might not otherwise be able to get them now that they're so expensive in the store" and "if you think you're going to turn a profit keeping backyard chickens you have been wildly misled" and so on, and so forth, and I'm so living for it.

and I can tell you right now, he did NOT like my answer of "if you're trying to feed your kids, I hear eggs are edible."

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hey now, Let her cook!

[ciderjacks]

contracts written in blood

+

[jakeperalta]

I'm curious. what job would you do if money was no object (you just automatically had an income you could live comfortably on)? including work like volunteering, studying etc. please share in the tags :)

[twobeesornottwobees]

watching ally beardsley transition over the past five years has been really wonderful and affirming but also hilarious. they went from looking like siobhan to looking like brennan. truly the entire anglo-saxon spectrum of gender.

[black-quadrant]

sometimes all you need is one passionate person who goes berserk for your work to keep you creating