#this is about things I’ve done due to ocd

[average-emo-enigma]

Y’all ever get sick of your own shit? Like girl why did you do that? And that??? You need to get your shit together. Please don’t ruin my life babe

[sheisanimposter]

I understand why professors say teamwork is important when justifying group projects, even though I know it’s really about grading less papers. I’m a reasonable person, I get it.

But if you’re an instructor on this app I raise you this: if the project is about teamwork, why isn’t my grade?

I’m being graded on the end result of the project, not the teamwork. Yet no amount of teamwork is going to make that end result strong if there are people in my group who simply don’t care. And no, that isn’t how it works in the real world.

When I worked on group projects professionally, there were things in place to set the team up for success and monitor our work:

- there was usually pre-designated project lead who had leadership skills or a strong background knowledge on the project

- our slack channels usually had a supervisor in them for questions and accountability

- in my non slack work places we had project check ins with a supervisor

-in some cases we had project feedback surveys at the end or halfway through

I’m 33, I have professional and leadership experience, I could do this project by myself in a week and get an A because I’ve done similar work professionally. I also have ocd so “taking over” is something I’ve worked hard to reduce and I’ve learned to balance with “step up step back”.

By not doing all the work for a group of 20 something’s who barely experienced high school, I actually am practicing teamwork and leadership. I’m giving them info and prompts to try to help, but some of them simply don’t care and are hoping someone else will do all the work. Ultimately they can get away with that because my professor is grading us on the quality of our work, not how we got there.

My attempts to get people to meet, the prompts I gave my team to help get conversations going, and the info I provided to them that they didn’t use will not be graded. My professor will never see our discord chat. Instead I’m being graded on the work ethic of others. How is this teaching teamwork? How is this grading team work? How is it actually preparing severely undersocialized students (my classmates missed most of high school due to Covid and it shows) for the workplace?

So if you’re a teacher, professor or instructor who genuinely cares about teaching teamwork and not just grading fewer papers, here are some suggestions:

-designate a project leader: let the team choose and give that person extra credit

-do project check ins, it can just be a quick survey monkey to give people a chance to “tattle” anonymously. You have to actually read them and follow up on issues though.

-mandate that the group chat stays in canvas or that you’re included in the discord chat, that chat itself should be part of the grade based on how much people participated in and lead conversations

-give individual grades. This means not just grading based on the end result but on each persons portion of it. If one person made the whole presentation that’s going to factor more into their grade. If one section of a project is better researched than another that should factor into individual grades.

-TEACH TEAMWORK FIRST: college isn’t about learning by trial and error, we’re typically given material to learn before being graded on an assignment that proves our knowledge of it. So many current students were not taught teamwork or other social skills typically gained in high school because of COVID learning, don’t assume they know how to do things you take for granted. If the project is team based because you feel teamwork is important, the least you can do is give some handouts on communication and planning strategies that are used in real workplaces. It’s unfair to be grading students on something you didn’t teach them / that isn’t a prerequisite for your course. If your course doesn’t have teamwork knowledge as a prerequisite why are you assuming your students know anything about it?

[taekooktimeline]

Hello 👋🏽

I’ve completed uploading episodes 1-4 of “are you sure” 🥳It goes without saying, but this is a Taekook focused blog so all of these posts, just like all my other posts, highlight Taekook and their bond (or in some instances, my posts archive important pieces of information so others can’t distort facts).

I wanted to upload episode 3 as one post, and episode 4 as one post, but Tumblr wouldn’t let that happen due to their sizes. When I shrank photos to make each episode one post, text and images became blurred and my OCD couldn’t stand it. I hate that they each have 2 posts, but I preferred it to the alternative of unreadable pieces.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever gone in depth about the uploading process? It’s quite an undertaking for long pieces. I first draft the posts in Google docs. This can take days as I rewatch things, chat with friends and gather what people have noticed from my timeline. One episode can take 3-4 hours to watch, as I draft as I go and then go back through and fill in further, then tighten it all up.

After this, I upload the draft into Word Press. It’s not straightforward anymore. When I copy and paste the draft into WP, only the text follows. I have to then go back to Google docs and copy / paste the pictures one by one, and then add the timestamps and hyperlinks under these pictures.

Once that’s done, I convert the post into HTML code. I can’t simply hit “select all.” I have to drag my finger down the entire post and carefully hit copy, or else I erase the whole post (which has happened). I then copy / paste the HTML code into my email and email it to myself.

From there, I copy / paste the code and upload it into Tumblr. Tumblr won’t let me post more than 30 photos a post now, sadly, which means splitting posts up. I have to read the HTML code and decide where to break things up.

I upload the post, then reblog it to its respective year, so you can read the post in the “main” timeline, but also in chronological order in the year it happened. When it’s reblogged to its year of occurrence, I have to scroll to events that happened around that date to determine what backdate to make that piece, so it lands in the correct spot of the timeline.

Uploading these posts took me all morning. Factoring in drafting, I spent at least 2-2.5 days on these episodes.

I’m not sure why I felt like sharing that today, except that I wanted to really take a moment and sincerely thank anyone who stops by to read my blog and let you know it’s so appreciated. Even if no one read this blog, I archive Taekook’s moments as one way of supporting them. I really enjoy preserving their moments - we have so many! - and looking back fondly.

So I’d do it no matter if no one read this, but knowing people do read this blog and treasure it as much as I do means so much to me. I’m thankful for the friendships formed, the people I’ve been able to talk to and some I’ve been fortunate to meet in real life, and it’s all thanks to this blog.

Not only that, my anxiety gets the best of me. I greatly admire those who tweet on Twitter, or post on Instagram, without giving much thought. I can’t do it. I wish I could. I will sit on posts, get anxious, bail out of posting, or post then mute because I’m so tense. I’m not sure why that is. Sometimes I wish my accounts were smaller so I could maybe feel more comfortable freely speaking my mind. But I also think I’d be anxious no matter what because social media is so toxic and dark and my energy can’t stand it. It doesn’t help I’m still trying to figure out my medical mysteries, and that’s been such a drain on my energy. I can’t find it in me to do much more than lurk on Twitter and IG right now.

Here on tumblr, I feel like I’m in my little safe space. It’s quiet here, I post my pieces and show my support, and my support is measured in a more meaningful way for who I am as a person (in addition to streaming, buying their merch etc). I really am so grateful for this space. We all support in our ways and though I wish I was bolder on TW and IG, I appreciate those who are and I also appreciate that we are all here to equally love and support Tae and Jk. That’s what matters.

So if you’re reading this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here and reading this blog💜💚

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

[where-does-the-heart-lie]

I hope y’all like my OC’s!! I picked them cuz theyre the closest i have to Vampires and werewolves :) and also because theyre my favorite :)

For those who dont have an account on the artfight but are still interested in my oc’s, I’ve provided the description that i gave them on their pages under the cut off :)

These two are from the story im working on that i hope to turn into a webcomic one day called Where Does The Heart Lie! I hope you enjoy~

Kreios:

Overview:

Kreios is a 6'7" shaggy man who is visibly inconvenienced by most things in his life. He works as a Territory Patrol Captain for his Clan that resides in The Forest of Thieves. He is albino, has depression, is demiromantic/asexual and his personality type is ISFP

His design is based off of the idea of "a sheep in wolf's clothing" to compliment his counterpart, Ivaylo, whose design is based around "a wolf in sheep's clothing". As such, he wears a wolf hide Coat, but is otherwise a shaggy sheep of a man.

Mannerisms/Way of Life:

-Kreios is just gigantic and he lumbers and slouches everywhere he goes.

-He falls asleep randomly even while standing up and when he's asleep, you could put anything near him and he'd hold it.

-He doesn't respect other people much. He's only here to do a job, and when he's done, he goes home.

-When Kreios is in his little apartment, he's either carving, cooking, or sleeping. he doesnt have guests, he doesnt hold parties, he's simply alone. And that's the way he likes it.

-He makes money on the side taking carving commissions from others in his clan. What is usually ordered is a Chess set.

-Kreios is crazy good at playing chess.

-He's not blind nor is he not paying attention, he's a very strategically intelligent man. However, people often underestimate his intelligence because of his aloof nature.

-he is not very visibly expressive due to the hair in front of his eyes and he tends to keep a neutral mouth shape. However if he's feeling inconvenienced, he's gonna hit you with a scowl.

Where His Heart Lies:

Kreios feels so deeply. When he respects, when he protects, when he loves. He does it all with all of his Heart and his soul. If he loves you, you'll know it. He hates hiding any of his emotions and is also terrible at lying.

Dynamic With Ivaylo:

He and Ivaylo were childhood friends, but life kept pulling them apart. Their childhood village was destroyed by an ever-growing empire, they wound up finding homes in different clans in their young adult years, and now they must keep their relationship to each other bottled up even though their territories have moved to be right next to each-other's.

Until their clans can become allies, they cannot interact.

Ivaylo:

Overview:

Ivaylo is a very particular Clan Leader who expects the most from everyone. His clan is made up of those who were cast out of their own clans in the Forest of Thieves for their various disabilities. The first person he took in was a little girl missing the bottom half of her left leg and he now refers to her as his daughter. He has anxiety and mild OCD, is homoromantic/homosexual, and his personality type is ISFJ

His design is based off of the idea of "a Wolf in Sheep's clothing" to compliment his counterpart, Kreios, whose design is based around "a Sheep in Wolf's clothing". As such, he wears a sheep hide vest under his big fur coat.

Mannerisms/Way of Life:

-Ivaylo commands and expects respect from all.

-He is very particular about small details. When he started living in the forest, he couldnt control much, so what he can control, he will do so perfectly in his eyes. His hair may look unorderly, but rest assured it is perfectly quaffed.

if something isn't right orderly-wise in his eyes, he will only focus on that one thing and cannot focus even if he's having a conversation with someone or even fighting

-In a work setting, he is ruthless and cold, but out of work, he is also cold, but in a "leave me alone" kind of way. a lone wolf, if you will. He finds having close relationships with those he feels are his employees is incredibly improper.

-Though he is cold, he is never quick to anger. He keeps a level head always.

-He admires loyalty and is very loyal to ones he loves.

-He is crazy bad at playing chess.

-Ivaylo walks with his head held high.

Where His Heart Lies:

-He wants to make a better life for his whole clan, but mainly his daughter, Calbex, who he refers to as X. All he wants is to live a peaceful life with those he loves.

-Life twisted him into a cold monster, but at heart he's very childish and sports a very impish smile. You can get him to giggle if you compliment him.

Kreios:

He and Kreios were childhood friends, but life kept pulling them apart. Their childhood village was destroyed by an ever-growing empire, they wound up finding homes in different clans in their young adult years, and now they must keep their relationship to each other bottled up even though their territories have moved to be right next to each-other's.

Until their clans can become allies, they cannot interact.

Calbex:

Calbex is his daughter and he loves her so much. She's an eccentric gal, to say the very least. She knew him before he became a very large Clan leader and as such he can show his true self to her, but not completely. She is his daughter, after all, he must be strong for her and critical of her for her to learn to thrive in the environment they're in.

[tauforged]

like im done pussyfooting around it i totally ahve ocd and the breakthrough on this was actually at work last week i couldn’t find some fuckin thing. autoclave tape or whatever. and even though i Knew the procedure (the vet team has a supply were allowed to use as needed -> grab some out of the drawer in surgery (the room is not sterile rn cuz there’s no upcoming procedures so this is fine) -> problem solved) i was compelled to spend a solid fifteen minutes triple checking every drawer in our lab to make sure it wasn’t just misplaced, and then meticulously checking the previous week’s notes to ensure nobody had left anything about moving the autoclave tape, and then tracking a vet tech to check that it was okay for me to go into surgery to grab some, and then doubling back and confirming that it was in the drawer i remembered it being in, and then AGAIN confirming verbally that the roll of tape i grabbed was the right one, and then YET AGAIN making sure i put it back in the right place — and then after doing all of that realizing that the entire time i had been so tense that i was visibly wobbly and shaking bcs of my fear of Being Wrong. and i realized that these elaborate redundancy rituals that i’d set up for myself to quell my fears were actually doing more harm than good and i was just making everything needlessly complicated and stressful instead of identifying the root cause — i am so pants shittingly afraid of doing something incorrectly that i’ve got an elaborate set of rituals that precede Every Task that i was so accustomed to that i didn’t even realize i was doing it. which was why my performance at work has been struggling, because i’ve been spending upwards of 45 minutes on 10 minute tests due to my constant stopping to check Every Variable as i go…

i forget where i was going with this when i started this post. but i recognize the problem now and even though its gonna be really scary i think the solution is to just let myself make mistakes to break the fear of it. i cant double check that plan w/ a professional tho bcs my therapist cancelled on me this week—I Am Doing It Again Sorry

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[rin-and-jade]

Oops.. I’ve Lost Track.. : A Post about Unintended Time Traveling

Have you ever mistook that today’s thursday and not a wednesday even if you’re so sure? Have you ever wondered why time flies so fast while nothing’s done for the day? Or maybe when those “five more minutes” promises turned into hours until its too late?

Then you might have problems with keeping track, managing, and predicting how long it takes to do something,, this is called time blindness. Which is common among neurodivergent folks.

So it was time travel..?

Surely, but not as fun as how movies convey them. Time blindness can affect people in different ways, such as:

Losing track of days, hours, or to minutes; not being aware how long it has been.

Have a faster/slower sense of internal clock. Meaning, minutes can feel like hours or vice versa.

Problems being on time to appointments, events, and etc; due to faulty predictions on how long it takes for something, such as dressing up or driving to the location.

Trouble remember when was the last time you ate a meal and drank water.

Over-focusing on a specific task/ interest and miss a huge chunk of your routine (compensating or catching up).

And more..

It often affects people with ADHD; but not always limited to autism, depression, anxiety disorders, OCD, bipolar, CDD, and even a byproduct of constant stress itself!

For the plurals out there:

There’s it’s own set of experiences + the addition of the general ones before, such as:

Time looks disoriented due to switching and lost sense of chronological anchor (can’t remember the previous moments to make sense how long time has gone by).

What happened long ago e.g. 1 month, felt like it happened last week. Vice versa.

Alters perceiving sense of time in different, varying speeds.

And, with the addition of CDD’s high comorbidity with other conditions that may worsen time blindness.

Systems can have a harder time due to the existing amnesia barriers that fragments memories, and sometimes this can be super stressful to deal with--but fret not! For whoever needs some tips, i gotchu.

What should i do??

Let's get straight to the point, here's the steps:

Create a routine. If you're prone to missing work or leisure due to it, or need to get things done on time,, having a planned schedule or routine will be the most important part. You can do this in any way preferred, for example, sticking to a 7-day plan that has your school/work/breaks in it already,, or if you're sporadic, you can pre-plan what to do for the day and jot them down as the goal.

Make use of accommodations. Set designated alarms,, maybe for your meals, or hydration reminders, or if you don't want to overshoot that gaming session. Putting clocks that can be visible in your vision also can help keeping you on track. Create checklists to keep track of your chores or whatnot. Maybe write down notes on today's progress, anything with your own creativity!

Break work into smaller steps to ease up. Sometimes procrastination can accompany time blindness, leaving us to do 0 work until its near deadline or the day is almost over, separating the tasks to smaller bits and do them in pieces on your own pace. And sometimes your focus is prone to wander to places if the task is too long or tedious/boring, so this also helps.

Be aware of which activities you're prone to forget time. List or remember them so whenever you wanted to hop back in a special interest, actively remind yourself beforehand and you may make use of number 2.

Lastly, commit to it. This is where all the magic is at, and there will still be days where it tumbles apart and you miss a couple of things.. don't worry, we all are never perfect, there'll always be a day or two where everything's messy and miss that deadline or other stuffs. You haven't failed, keep going.

I hope this could serve you hope that your time blindness is 100% manageable, this post is for every neuro-spicy folks (and systems) out there who's struggling with it,, and i hear your struggles! Feel free to add on your experience or engage with the post if you have any further questions.

(This post is applicable to everyone in need)

- j

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you are doing well. I have a question about Detachment.

(1) I’ve since gone through college and therapy. I love my therapist and feel like I don’t need her but shared a lot in common. I felt understood and she said I actually have an incredible amount of empathy. I don’t know if it’s useful. I’m an INFP, most likely. Im also asd, ocd, and potentially adhd.

I’ll miss her insights and the therapeutic relationship. It was detached but felt like mutual care without her breaking down all the time or anything when I said something sad. I wanted to understand the whole time, how was she so stoic yet so empathetic, compassionate, and insightful. It made me think of how brenee brown says shes always alone. We all are technically. But I want to keep in touch with this person. She said to keep her posted on my life updates. I understand what the therapeutic relationship meant but I want to see what she does for 2 seconds. I worry therapists are often lonely from having this perspective and I worried she’s an infj like my sister.

I want to be a therapist now, because I’m so interested in growing, helping, learning, and being like her. I wanted to be a farmer for a bit, because I had a mentor. And i know who I am now, and have tools and universal truths. And im easier on myself. But I deeply want to understand her. Is that ego?

(2) i read that INFJs are detached due to intuition at the front while INFPs are attached. Am I mistaken? Sometimes I’ll feel guilt over how a person wants to get to know me or if I’m seeming cold or stressed. But I don’t like everyone. I attach my feelings to people who are in my business or rude/annoying, instead of seeing it as their thing. People get to me.

(3) I can’t articulate it well, but if everyone is an individual with seperate values and needs, it’s unethical to feel attached to anyone. But there are rules like working, and contributing. So it’s like helping out of principle. I don’t fully understand because I can get friends and meet my other needs without wanting to bother my therapist. I still love her though. She played a big part in my life. I felt spiritually connected but could be projecting. It’s just I don’t feel a seperation. I felt merged, then seperated. I’m autistic and stuff, but I care lots. I just wonder if she sees the world like my sister whos an infj. I hope I can see their perspective because I want to feel detached if it’s reality.

----------------------

(1) I wouldn't call it ego. It sounds like you want to be friends with her because you feel a connection? Nothing wrong with that. Whatever professional relationship you have with someone, it is possible to make it into a personal one if you happen to click with them.

A relationship issue NFPs often run into is not defining their relationships well. This can be a problem because boundaries remain incredibly fuzzy, which makes it easy to inadvertently overstep them and cause messy and unpredictable interactions. If you want to have a proper relationship with someone, whether platonic or romantic, you both have to agree to what the relationship ought to be and set realistic boundaries that reflect the kind of relationship it is.

You haven't done this with her, so the relationship seems to exist in a gray area, a sort of limbo. If you want more from this relationship rather than just the occasional update, then you have to be more assertive in expressing your needs/wants and seeing whether she's willing to reciprocate in kind.

(2) You are mistaken because you are oversimplifying and perhaps stereotyping. Do people not use more than one function, and do individuals not express their functions in their own unique way?

INFJs might be detached until they care deeply through Fe, and they are capable of caring about many things at once. INFJs with healthy and mature Fe do not suffer from loneliness. INFPs might be quite oblivious until they get attached through Fi. Functions don't operate in a vacuum; context and circumstances matter as well.

I'm always warning people NOT to view each other as stereotypes, as it constitutes a misinterpretation and misapplication of type theory. If learning about personality type causes you to think of people in more simple rather than more complex terms, then something is awry.

Don't play guessing games unless you actually want to create misunderstanding and conflict. Speculation easily leads to assuming that you know what's in someone's heart/mind when you really have no clue. The best way to know the truth of someone is through clear and authentic communication with them.

(3) I'm not sure I understand this point you're making. I think your concept of "individuality" is flawed because you seem to hold contradictory beliefs. On one hand, you say every individual is unique. On the other hand, you seem to think that people are basically interchangeable to you because you can get your needs met from anyone. Which is it? Are people unique or not?

You also seem to imply that human beings are islands and that no real ethical connection can form between them, which is false. Humans evolved to be social creatures and we all have the same set of universal needs. We have more in common with each other than not, though people often forget this fact because they are too easily distracted by the differences. Commonality is one important way people bond with each other and form meaningful relationships.

Individuality comes into the picture when different people rank and express their needs differently and want to use different ways to satisfy their needs. Why do you think you get along better with some people more than others? You can be an individual but still share much in common with certain people if the both of you happen to rank your needs in a similar way and have a similar worldview.

There is something you're getting from her that you can't get from others because it is unique to her. That is why you feel the desire to get closer to her specifically. You can be a unique individual and still experience kinship with someone who shares a lot in common with you. Individuality and communion can both exist at the same time. Beware of either/or thinking and the way it limits your view of the world (it is something that those on the spectrum often struggle with).

[mewcharm]

health + life update

hi, for those who have been around for a bit now, i thought id share some new information regarding my health!

for a while now I’ve voiced my concerns regarding me having long covid, and i finally found out what it was! i was diagnosed with athsma… freaky! doctors said it was pretty ugly, so, now im on medicine to hopefully tame the thing.

since that was figured out, a lot of things were kind of culminating into a biggg mental health crash. i couldn’t function well due to intrusive thoughts, and my brain started finding things to cling to and obsess over. ive been evaluating my options and have decided to pursue therapy and maybe see if I have ocd. a lot of my symptoms fall in line with something like that, but we will have to see what my doctors think.

it’s really hard, not to blame yourself for the actions of your abusers. you once loved them as friends, or partners - and they hurt you irreparably, leaving you with all the weight. “I could’ve done more,” id cry, when i really did my best. id do something entirely innocent and okay, and intrusive thoughts would swallow me whole, insisting i had ulterior motives. i won’t lie, after getting the short end of the stick for a whole year, you start thinking it may be you did something to deserve it.

if you’re reading this, and resonate with it - i feel sorrow for you. it’s horrible to cope with, especially when people in your past were so deplorable. you’re out the other end now, and you can only go up from here. keep people who understand you close, and cherish them. protect your peace.

all that sad stuff out of the way, though…

im migrating here for reals!

it’s a big decision, one im very nervous about - especially since art is my job. i was mainly known over on twitter for my work, and i don’t doubt business will be slow for me during this transition, but i have amazing people by my side wanting to uplift and support me. i wouldn’t be able to make art my job without my followers, mutuals, and friends being here and sticking with me over the years. thank you all!

[glamour-witch-bitch]

💅💖Glamour Witch Tips PART 3 💖💅

Happy Lions Gate portal yall, hope your manifestations all come to fruition on this day! I haven’t done a compilation of glamour witch tips in a while so I thought I’d do that today. I’ve done lots of reading and research so I got a lot for y’all in this post. With that, let’s get into it!

💖For my false eyelash wearers, I hope you’re cleaning those things when you’re done wearing them. Most importantly I hope you’re cleaning them in moon water for additional alluring powers and or protection.

💖 Honey 🍯. Honey is an incredible thing to use in your Witchery. Not only is it a natural antioxidant, it also Carrie’s antibacterial and antifungal properties. Perfect for when you have a sore throat. It’s also been used across nations in many spiritual practices for ages.

Physical: honey can be used topically to treat acne, hyperpigmentation, dandruff, and (I’m not a doctor so take this with a grain of salt) has been historically used to treat burns and wounds to keep out germs and fight bacteria/infection.

Honey when consumed can also be used to; treat sore throat and cold symptoms, help with digestive unease, boost metabolism, and may help with cardiovascular health as well (again not a doctor so please take this with a grain a salt)

Spiritual/Witchcraft: Appropriately nicknamed “Nectar of the Gods” a perfect offering for most deities as honey is prevalent in most countries and cultures. Can be used to “sweeten” up already existing relationships. I personally associate honey with abundance due to the fact it’s the fruit of bees labor. Use honey as a face mask for additional beauty and attraction rituals.

💖Lavender. Lavender is an essential for every witch and has been used for a millennia in both spiritual practices and medicine as well. I use lavender soap to help ease my anxiety. I like to visualize my anxiety from where it’s felt the most (for me it’s my stomach and my head) leaving that area and traveling to my hands. Then I visualize it seeping out of my skin and that’s where I wash it away with the lavender soap. I bought my soap from NakedVoodoo on Instagram and I definitely would recommend her products and services to a friend and to y’all.

💖Rosemary. Rosemary is a great and I mean great herb that anyone can use and likely already has in their kitchen. In glamour it’s associate with confidence and youth; but its not limited to that. It’s also associated with awareness, banishing, cleansing, comfort, contentment, focus, loving spirits, memories, and renewal.

I used a rosemary shampoo bar from Nole, (an AMAZING hair care company that I recommend for everyone, it’s a little bit pricey but 10000% worth it.) Every time I use it in the shower I ask that it cleanses me of all icky things that I might of have picked up on and restores and renews my energy.

💖Seaweed. Seaweed and sea moss are not only a great supplement to add to your diet (I do have a post about it somewhere one here) it also has incredible magical properties for things such as abundance and blessings. Fantastic for rituals and spells invoking your health, stability, and like said prior abundance.

💖Cleanliness. This might be mostly because of my OCD (no actually, I just got diagnosed last month and since starting medication I’ve been doing much better) But making sure both you and your space is clean before spell work makes such a huge difference. Not only does it have your cleared energetically, but it also does something for your confidence as well. So before you do your spell work, shower and give your area a little tidying up and see the difference it makes.

💖Beauty 👏 love 👏 and 👏 attraction 👏 work 👏 is 👏 protection! 👏. This isn’t as much as a tip as it is more so a school of thought. I said what I said, beauty is the most deadly yet underestimated weapon you can have in this life. Doing love and attraction work on yourself is absolutely protection work, because when people love you and are attracted to you they are also going to be rooting for you and is going to be on your side.

As always happy crafting, stay safe, and stay beautiful my pretties.

[desultory-suggestions]

hi, 

i wanted to come here to ask for some kind words and help as ur blog is so lovely and gives me warmth <3

(i’m autistic to add context) i’ve been really struggling recently (and this whole year) as i’ve been very burnt out. like a lot, and i don’t feel it’s understood how much and i don’t feel the people around me are trusting that i just need a rest but rather try to help by suggesting that i go outside and do more stuff when even a tiny change in routine is extremely overwhelming. and i feel alone in that, like maybe i should be doing more. lately the mental element has been much worse to the point that it’s incredibly difficult to communicate using written words (i can’t speak atm) -this ask has already taken energy - or think and problem solve etc and it’s awful because i have exams and assessments i need to finish in a short period of time and i don’t know how i’m going to rest and get them done. i also have had so many changes recently, and have felt numb due to my medication so i have not been able to sense my limits and therefore have been doing too much and i’m trying my best but it’s just so much and i want a break. i just really want a break. 

ontop of this i’ve been feeling inferior lately and my ocd has been worse, and i’m just so tired. i can hardly do anything and i’m just trying to get through but i miss seeing my friends and having the energy to see them and having a clearer brain.

i’m most definitely going to keep going but i just am so sick of it. and i don’t want to have to continue to be brave and survive. and i feel scared that if i say just how much of a toll this has taken on me that i will scare people and make them think that i want to die, and i’m scared of how much of a toll it’s taken on me. 

it’s just so much.

Hello, dear. Oh, it's as if you are reading my mind! Burnout, but specifically autistic burnout- is not a short term issue. When some people say they are burnt out, they mean after a weekend of rest they'll be okay. Some means after a few months of getting life back to normal. However, autistic burnout can last for months on end and requires a different kind of patience and care than you often are advised.

First things first, I want you to know that you are not doing anything wrong and you are not lazy. Laziness is not always bad, but it's different from burnout. You are not choosing exhaustion, it is happening to you. You deserve patience and care, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Like you said, this ask took energy! You are working hard, it doesn't have to look a certain way for it to be true.

The age old question, where is the time? I wish I had better advice, but to be candid I have not entirely figured this out for myself. In a society that places so little value on rest (if you are in the U.S. that is) we have to carve out space, but of course this isn't restful. The best advice I can give is to stop trying to do things the right way and do them the easier one. I have tried so hard to be normal in my struggles, but all it does it burn me out double time. I try now, to focus on my needs first and others comfort second. Ultimately the best we can do is still good enough, and even if down the line we know it wasn't exactly right we tried.

Take things moment by moment, and with the unavoidable stressors just know they won't last forever. You are making your way through a very tiring situation and it's okay to stomp your feet and complain. If you're worried about others thinking you're in danger just for complaining, you are always welcome to come to my inbox and let out all of your stress about things. I promise I won't treat it like anything more serious than it is. Take tender care <3

Evan

[autismdoll]

Long post about Repetitive Restrictive Behaviors, OCD, and Stress

I’ve been struggling a lot with Repetitive and Restrictive Behaviors

More specifically tactile stims and tics. Some of these things i can recognize as more voluntary tactile stims that ive done for a long time. But i often get locked into a restrictive and stressful loop of doing these stimulatory actions.

This has brought to mind some questions about the overlap and differences between Autism and OCD, with comorbity in mind.

since a kid i’ve had a few long with standing tactile stims/tics:

Hard, repetitive, excessive blinking.

Snorting

Excessive toe curling and interlocking of toes

Hard, repetitive, excessive scrunching and stretching of nose and philtrum

Clenching teeth

Picking and peeling skin

Uncontrollable nail biting

Rolling eyes back with eyes closed

Pattern walking by way of trying to step on cracks with consistent foot coverage and pressure

Some of these are a lot more visible than others but the visible ones gave me enough trouble in the past that i involuntarily developed more covert habits that stimulate the same area

which brings me to a tic that has been plaguing me for over a year now:

Excessively and roughly pressing my tongue against my soft palate

This is something that started as a self regulatory behavior triggered by emotional and environmental stimuli. Now i get into these loops where i can’t stop doing it and it stresses me out and hurts lol.

The same is true for the list of tactile stims above. I think i start doing them to self soothe then once i make the specific sort of contact i get fixated on how the pressure, contact, or motion should feel and then can’t stop repeating it.

This makes me wonder about the possibility of certain things manifesting as autism symptoms, ocd symptoms, or both.

To give some more context, I’m not diagnosed or self diagnosed as OCD. I am diagnosed ASD and ADHD. However, at the start of my mental health treatment journey the psychiatrist i was seeing identified and notated disruptive OCD symptoms that they expected my previously prescribed Prozac to help with. It did help but it also made me manic so they banned me from Prozac. (long story for another time or another blog lol)

In more recent psychiatric visits my intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors were outlined noted and proclaimed to possibly be elevated by my newly prescribed Abilify which i haven’t taken yet as i struggle with change and especially change in self care routine.

All that is to say that there does seem to be some overlap between ASD and OCD in my experience. This was corroborated in conversation with my friend who is diagnosed OCD we related when i mentioned these compulsive behaviors

Accidentally touching something in passing only to have to return and touch it properly with the “correct amount of pressure”

Intrusive thoughts of harm scenarios involving self and others

Intrusive thoughts surrounding health anxiety

drinking things in intervals of eleven

applying a correct numbered increment to actions and avoiding certain numbers

having to flip a switch or hold an object in just the right way

constant redoing of motions until they feel right

Something that initially made me unsure regarding classifying these behaviors as OCD is the fact that there doesn’t seem to be an anxious “what if i dont do this, something bad may happen” feeling triggering these things. That perspective may be naive or ignorant on my part tho which is why i’m diving deeper to learn more.

One thing positive i can say is that writing this post helped me redirect my nervous system while i was suffering due to these repetitive restrictive behaviors right before writing this. i’ve regulated a little

[ciaossu-imagines]

3, 6, 9, 12, 13, and 22 for the Admin?

Aww, I’m so happy and flattered someone wanted to ask about me! I honestly figured I’d get hits for the canon characters off of some of those questions, but this is a really pleasant and lovely surprise so thank you, anon dear!

3. What irritates the mun?

Honestly, there is a lot that does irritate me. I’ve gotten a lot better and a lot more tolerant as I age but I still have the little things that drive me up the wall, mostly due to mental health issues (for example, certain sounds can just about trigger panic attacks in me, such as really moist or wet sounds associated with eating or swallowing and anything that triggers my OCPD). For little, silly little pet peeves though, people who cross the street where there’s not a crosswalk, all willy-nilly and expecting vehicles to just stop for them, when there’s a designated crosswalk, with flashing lights and such, not even ten feet away. I don’t drive but it still bothers the fuck out of me because it seems very inconsiderate and selfish.

6. Does the mun have a habit that’s annoying?

Again, as I mention above, I have OCPD (much like OCD, just with different compulsions and obsessions). I have been told it makes me incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to both live with or be around for a long time because my compulsions and obsessions, while I’m in therapy to help manage them, do mean that I have to do things certain ways and have things certain ways. I also can’t do spontaneity. I have to know what each day is going to bring so I can schedule my day in my head ahead of time and have time to come up with schedules, routines, a back-up plan for if A, B, or C occurs, and then back-up plans for that back-up plans for absolute worse case scenarios that could potentially occur for that day. I need to know what my day is bringing my way and it means surprises…no. Spontaneity? No. It’s aggravating to everyone else in my life, to say the least.

9. What’s the mun’s favourite thing to drink?

It's definitely coffee. I have a pretty severe caffeine addiction and go between energy drinks (grape Rockstars because they're cheap and I'm a sucker for anything grape flavoured) and coffee. I've been told I need to drink more water and I am trying but water is unappetizing, not going to lie!

12. Does the mun like talking to people? Or are they shy?

This is actually kind of a tricky one, not going to lie. I will say that virtually, digitally, I am more open and sociable. There's a comfort in virtual interactions, where I have the time to think on my words and what I want to say, where I can take the time to reply and don't need to worry about people's judgments based on my physical looks or mannerisms. In person is different. I wouldn't describe myself as shy, though others do often. I would classify myself as more reserved and honestly, extremely wary of other people. I need time to get to know people - I'm fine to talk to anyone who wants to start a conversation with me but it's all going to be surface level and done with my retail face on. I'll take an interest in them and can happily listen to others talk about themselves but they get nothing more personal about me than my name. I need time and repeated exposure to people before I 'learn them' enough to feel comfortable having them in my life at all and even then, how much of my authentic self someone sees is very, very much dependent on what I've observed and picked up about them. There are people at work who I've been working with for months who I know a lot about and who call me a great work friend...they still know nothing more than my name because there's things that make me distrust these people or that allow me to know that if I was open about this or that part of my life, that it would only create conflict. I also don't actively tend to seek out new relationships in person but it largely boils down to past trauma and my mind automatically going 'yeah, that person seems cool, but the question you need to ask yourself is how can, and will, they hurt you?' So yeah, tl;dr: Not shy, just a fucked up human being.

13. Does the mun believe in the supernatural/paranormal?

Yes and no. I do believe in the supernatural and paranormal but I'm a skeptic at heart. I have experienced ghosts, but I usually assume most famous hauntings are faked for publicity and attention unless proof exists otherwise. I read my own tarot cards every morning and believe the cards can bestow accurate insight and information. But having read tarot for extra money in the past, I can tell you that a lot of tarot readers are fakes, using combinations of cold and hot reading like many of the celebrity psychics and mediums do. Hell, I'll admit to doing it too. Because when people go to get their tarot read, they want entertainment and they want to believe in positive things coming to them. They don't want accurate readings, especially if the cards spell out periods of hardship. I believe in aliens, because believing we're the only intelligent life anywhere is prideful to the point of delusion but I don't believe there's ever been a real UFO sighting. We haven't evolved in our knowledge enough to visit far distant planets so my assumption is that, to an alien race who has evolved that far, we likely look like savages to them and assuming they'd want to come study us seems bizarrely like prideful hubris to me.

22. Does the mun like to play games?

I do actually! I don't play as many video games as I used to, mostly visual novels and otome games now. That being said, I used to play DnD a lot during my high school years and I still love it, though I haven't really played in a while. I love other roleplaying games like it too. For anyone intrigued by the idea but too intimidated by all the classifications and stats and bits and bobs that go into tabletop RPG's like DnD, Grant Howitt makes some amazing and easy RPG's over here! I also love playing card games of all sorts, but will say that I'm a beast at Gin Rummy and lousy at Poker. Board games are fun every now and again, but I have to be in the right mood and it absolutely CANNOT be Monopoly. I fucking hate Monopoly with every fiber of my being.

[la-principessa-nuova]

there’s one person on my team who has a lot of background noise and a voice that happens to work with the background noise cancellation in a way that is a sensory nightmare for me. So when he talks, if I’m even remotely dysregulated, I have to mute the call and wait for him to be done talking, and even if i don’t have to, it’s often better to avoid using up a limited number of spoons for the day.

I barely work him with because he kind of has his own subset of work that’s related to my team’s work but due to various reasons only he can work on it (and has backups that are not on the team, not like a bottleneck on one person)

but that means when he gives his updates and explains things, it’s extra important for me to understand what he’s saying, because it’s stuff I need to plan around but have no other insight into.

And even though I can read it on the captions, it’s (1) harder to follow than both audio and captions together, and (2) usually very, very wrong because this is somebody with (a) poor audio quality and (b) a different accent/regional dialect than the captions were trained on and (c) using technical language and sometimes internal-only acronyms.

so yeah, i need to look into finding some ways to work around this like figuring out more about what he does so i have an easier time figuring out what he’s saying from context, and also solving my long-term burnout that’s decreased my window of tolerance so much. Because I’ve worked with so many people with such terrible audio quality but I’ve never had this much of an issue before.

Even with other people with kind of bad audio instead of a little grating, it feels like nails on a chalkboard. But also it might be a little bit OCD because it’s definitely worse if I’ve been thinking about it happening with one person where it can happen to that lesser degree with almost anybody. And then fact that thinking it’s going to be dysregulating makes it dysregulate more and then i can’t focus and my thoughts get stuck on it and i feel a panic because now i’m worried i won’t understand anything and i’m going to be behind and get in trouble for not listening and get caught not knowing something that was just presented… and then it’s not just dysregulation but also anxiety.

and of course it’s not easy from an audio processing perspective too, so i’m sure the anxiety about a challenging audio processing challenge contributes, plus having to pay attention to something i have no context on, which brings up a lot of anxiety from ADHD-related C-PTSD. this brain is such a tangled mess…

[goofballondus]

Writing State - Needs Reflection still - Don’t take what I say exactly as given semi close proximity to an IH (intrusive Human) can cause distortions. 

Always question things, even when it’s a fundamental reality mechanic - the questioning actually leads to more transcendence about understanding the unchanging fundamentals of the "base" layer of reality itself - which is awesome! It's Love btw. Love is one of the fundamental universal unchanging energies - but it's how sentience can twist it that fucks it up.

For this one though, actually, honestly, a lot of things I’ve been writing about recently need rechecking lol - but there is something much much much more deeper at play here I’ve caught onto with studying for my OCD Book and this particular archetype of homosapien I've deemed "Intrusive Humans" (IH) & the illusion of “fear”.

The Primordial Cautionary Response is a natural thing, in every creature on Earth. But Earth is in a "challenged" state right now.

The Primordial Cautionary Response is a natural thing. It’s the ability to detect something is amiss, and there is danger, allowing one to move ahead cautiously. It comes from genetic evolution, and teaching without personalising - personalisation being something that is only done and taught by you guessed it - (at least on Earth) and as far as I know - homosapiens.

The Intrusive Human Archetype (IHA going forward), has become so distorted that it’s working back to front.

Due to the self awareness and the ability to form thoughts that is inherent within homosapiens, IHA’s are essentially Homosapiens that have been harmed psychologically and brought up in environment’s filled with distortions and meanings upon meanings that are not based in reality. Reality here, being that actual Brahmic Reality - love and understanding and knowledge without emotional intervention or narrative generation based on intrusive thoughts & personal bias. Key word there - personal. Personalisation.

IHA’s experience life through a lens of Fear. Empath’s can feel this immediately, when approaching the proximity of one.

Empath’s can feel a lot, sense a lot - but an IHS is immediately recognisable and should be disengaged from and avoided at all costs. 

If you’re a healer and want to help, you cannot help them. 

You must sew the seeds of transcendence for the next generation that they’re about to distort - hopefully catching that next generation by the time those distortions solidify into a distorted reality like their predecessors.

Generally, at least in recent homosapien culture, Fear is a manifestation of the mind, due to the cautionary response operating on a subconscious level.

The cautionary response has been hidden from knowledge, and replaced with the 2nd layer, “fear” as the fundamental reality for every homosapien.

With this knowledge locked away, it has crafted a society based on an illusion. Which is fucking hilarious cause reality IS an illusion - maya, the Vedics discovered this.

But it’s an illusion, on top of an illusion, and the even more fucked part is - technology TRIPLES the illusion - and now with the release of AI, anyone trying to call out the Illusion - EVEN 3 DIMENSIONALLY, WITH PROOF - can be dismissed so easily.

Advanced metacognitive abilities, spiritual awakenings & [other] generally allow a homosapien to gain access to this knowledge, this fundamental knowledge that should be there from a young age, should be taught to us in our developmental stages - but it’s not.

The Cautionary Response has been warped to the highest degree, it’s almost like a universal crime. If there is such a thing, if there were some sort of galactic federation of beings working together to better the entire universe and all of its inhabitants, this would be a crime.