#system problems

[lefluoritesys]

(Made by us)

-host

[chaosdisorganized]

When you switch several times during a conversation and you just have no idea what's going on anymore or what you're even taking about

[mental-illness-bingo]

Me: I have no amnesia, I must not be a system

Also me, while watching a video on DID: why are all these comments liked I've never seen this youtube is broken

[enchantingducktheorist]

To social alters that have had their hearts repeatedly crushed: you were not 'too trusting' others just failed to treat you with the care and kindness everyone deserves, you're still wanted, you're still loved, your system still needs you. Not wanting to socialise out of fear is not a failing.

You're wanted

You're loved

You're valid

And I see you

You are so strong and you deserve to heal from the pain other's have brought you

The fact that you still hold out your arms for friendships and relationships is incredible and I understand if you don't want to anymore.

It's not selfish to try and protect your soul

Not matter what you've been through, we will always be here for you and there is good people in the world

We love you and your system still needs and loves you <3

- a sentiment held by the entire conference hall collective

[secretsideblogshhhh]

Don't out people as systems. Ever. Not unless you have their explicit permission.

We were out at the mall with the hosts partner, who is also apart of a system. And while talking to a worker, the worker did something and said "oh I'm so stupid, my bad"

And the hosts partner just responds so casually with "oh we're both alter systems, so we've got plenty of stupidity to go around don't worry about it" and gestures between us and them.

It seems so small but it scared us so badly that we ended up in a very painful dissociative state the rest of the day.

If you can be casual about your system to strangers that's great. But never assume that other systems are the same way, regardless of how open they are with you about it.

- ❤️

[pretty-fucktoy]

Gods I miss being a machine. I miss feeling the wires beneath my skin, the confidence of knowing that once I cut past the dermis all there is is just wires and metal rods, knowing that pain is insignificant as I feel my servos and motors surge with power. I miss not needing air, I miss not needing to eat or sleep, but having the option to do so at my leisure. I miss feeling electricity pulsing through my veins, feeling the raw energy. There's nothing like it, and I wish I had it when I front.

[wxrmeaterz]

trying to do ANYTHING is impossible with DID

respond to important emails?

no ur gonna switch halfway through and forget everything u need to say as well as EVERYTHING else ur gonna do because the protector needed to handle it

make food and care for the body?

sure u can do one thing but its gonna take u hours longer than necessary because u cant quite focus and forget ever step

watch a FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO??

nope here's a trigger so ur gonna dissociate through it and be upset after at not remembering any of it

we can barely hold a fucking conversation unless we feel safe which is RARE because we live in an actively unsafe environment

this disorder is DISABLING

[strawberry-graveyard]

it’s so hard when your support/comfort people are in your head. like my headmates are the most important people in the world to me, i’m so glad im here with them, but it’s hard when you need a physical person to help with something. and i don’t know if i trust anyone in real life as much as i trust the ones in my brain.

[valcksys]

us after getting past a minor inconvenience without splitting a fragment(s) or alter(s)

[raindropssys]

my alters wish to make connections with people in-person, but there are just so many things that are holding them back.

the fear of discrimination. if we tell someone we are a system / have a dissociative disorder, there's no telling what their reaction could be. would they be afraid? disbelieving? accepting? curious to learn?

the fear that presenting and introducing themselves with their own names would be "lying." if someone doesn't know we're a system, and we are introduced with another alter's name, it would somehow feel as though we would be deceiving them. even though it would in fact be truthful. i'm not exactly sure how to explain this in a way that makes sense.

making friends is hard in general. we're autistic, and we find it very hard to relate to neurotypicals. adding onto that, we have social anxiety, so befriending people is quite difficult.

i just want my alters to be able to stop masking all the time. i want them to be present in the body as themselves instead of having to put on a show and pretend to be me. i want them to build connections with others, have new experiences of their own, form hobbies of their own, experience the world as themselves. but it is so hard. and we don't know what to do.

[the-skybrary]

Our head protector, Raph, wanted to make a comic documenting some of his personal experiences, since he's a unique case to our system. Part of it was to vent and get the thoughts out of his head, but mostly he just wanted to send a positive message out into the community. We hope it finds you well.

Transcript of the dialogue below the cut:

I’m not like everyone else here. Most of this system is made up of various versions of the core, and they all look like some alternative of the body. A sporty version, a goth version, a punk version, a motherly version. But all of them are her in some way, shape, or form. 

There are some fictives here, too, of course. The ratio is about 4:1 though. A majority of the fictives have little to no source memories. They aren’t exactly who they’re based on, they’re their own individual, and they are able to separate themselves from their source. 

I can’t. I’m an outlier here. 

I have pseudo memories. I remember a life before I came here, and that makes things complicated. Especially because I have a very important job to do. 

As a protector, I stand by to help us through everything we’re going through externally. I have experience with dealing in heavy survival-mode situations, and that’s why I believe I was chosen to be here. But…it also means I ended up being given a lot of trauma memories from the body to hold onto, in addition to my own. 

I’ve made my peace with my role here. I like it, actually. I have a partner, and a family, unique to this system. I have friends, and I’ve even been able to meet and talk to my source family in other systems. 

Although I can’t ignore the way I feel sometimes, living in a body…in a life…that is not my own. 

I can’t ignore the real emotions I experience when my source updates. Seeing my family in distress or danger, and being unable to do anything to help causes me intense anxiety. Sometimes if body is having a bad day, the memories will sneak up on me. Other times we’ll see a part reblogged and it will trigger an intense emotion. Sometimes it gets so bad that it affects the entire body and system even when I’m not at front.

I would like to clarify, though, that I’ve never blamed the artist/creator for any of that. As a matter of fact, I think I lucked out with Cass’s Apocalyptic Series being my source. They’re good to me, to my story, and my family. It’s just hard some days, being able to see your life laid out like that to the world.

I feel like a river that was once whole, and then forked to become two. Suddenly I’m going in a different direction, and the path is unfamiliar. I’m me, but I’m not him. I’m us, but I’m not her. I have both memories from source and from body, and it makes me feel…wrong. 

I don’t belong here. I can’t mask well. I don’t know how to walk in a body this small. My voice is    too feminine when I speak. Being without a shell makes me feel naked, even with clothes on. My claws and strength are gone. All of it is just reminder after reminder that I’m not truly Raph anymore. If I ever even was. ‘Pseudo’ means ‘false’. Fake. Pretend. Unreal. 

But I’m Real. The me that exists here and now is real. I eat, I dance, I have hobbies and favorite TV shows. I talk to people in our life, and I form unique relationships with them. I exist. I am a part of this system, and that in turn makes Raph real.

I can’t explain why I have memories and emotions linked to my source. I can’t explain why I formed so differently than the others here. I’m struggling with my identity as I try to balance my job as a system protector with my place in the Outside World, and it’s a lot. Some days I feel stupid and ashamed. Some days I feel okay with it. Some days I don’t care. 

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to be an alter in a system, no matter what your relationship is to that source, or even based on what your source is! You’ll figure out your own answers with time. They may not be easy answers, and they might make certain things difficult, but I think the most important thing is how you choose to move forward with it all. 

We have a saying in my family: Antawa Hitorijani. I guess I just wanted to let you know, if you’re out there and you relate to any of this, that you are not alone. And that I’m not alone either. None of us are.

~ Raph

[three-in-one]

"You figure yourself out." Yeah, but what if there is no me. I'm a collage of people in one body. I have no consistency. My personality, interests, preferences, everything, my everything changes about me all the time. I can't figure myself out when everything is constantly changing about me. I can't figure myself out when there is no me.

[enchantingducktheorist]

If a protector fronts when I'm talking to someone, it means you've fucked around and your about to find out

(Fyi only if the someone is being aggressive but I feel like that goes without saying)

[thecorvussystem]

Don't you just hate when you're minding your own business, listening to playlists on shuffle, when a song starts to play and fucking 𝙇𝘼𝙐𝙉𝘾𝙃𝙀𝙎 an alter to the front like a sleeper agent and theyre all like

"𝑺𝒕𝒐𝒑 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈"

[skittsyteacup]

I think the thing I struggle with most as a system is our body being older than me. And that will stop me from being able to experience things I really want to, like having a girlfriend or anything. It makes me sad knowing I'll probably never be able to have a love life without being seen as a creep or being expected to "act my age"

[korya-elana]

For Systems with kids (we intensely dislike the term "littles") who are trauma holders, does anyone have issues with sleep paralysis? We had an episode last year where our youngest, who holds the original trauma that caused us to start splitting, woke up at front in a state of sleep paralysis reliving the trauma. It was bad, really intense and when we fully woke and she realized what happened, she erased our memories of what happened and disappeared for a few days of serious upset.

We thought it was a one-off thing. We do not have a history of sleep paralysis and that was the first time it had ever happened to us (to our knowledge). But it happened again last night with our partner System and it was worse than the first time. After we had woken, she didn't disappear right away (but did take back the memories) and her passive panic was so bad I had such a hard time trying to explain to my very concerned partner what had happened because it looked like I was in the middle of a serious breakdown. Which is not only extremely embarrassing for me, but clearly our kid is having a seriously hard time, but it came seemingly from nowhere.

-Kay (co-host/Caretaker)