#we also have! GUESS WHAT. DISSOCIATIVE AMNESIA.

[princ3y]

Note - we will never do and have never done what we said in the tags. But this is still our blog and we get to vent and scream and rage. I fucking hate some people.

[granulesofsand]

Dissociative Amnesia with BASK

I would love to hear more about systems without amnesia. I’ve been thinking, lately that emotional amnesia is really similar to any other form except maybe full.

I mean that as in memories being stored by type of information; if it’s BASK style, alters can have barriers between any letter or combination of letters.

BASK

Behavior: what the fronter did/had the urge to do

Affect: what the fronter felt/expressed emotionally

Sensation: what the fronter felt/noticed physically

Knowledge: what the fronter was aware/informed of

I would define ‘full blackouts’ as sharing none of the letters, which is unusual for the systems we know/have read about. Even systems we currently describe as having blackouts tend to start with some leakage.

I’d say the most common leaks are Affective and Sensory; bursts of unexplainable emotion or feelings you can tell aren’t yours and unexplainable pain or flashes of perceptions respectively.

I’ve heard of people, particularly front-facing people, experiencing these without co-consciousness. They aren’t accompanied by ‘the facts’ of what happened, and can leave the receiving alters confused or frightened.

A full sharing of either information might be considered another flashback unless intentional, but only a Sensory barrier is labeled amnesia as it stands.

The other leaks we currently refer to as blackouts is Behavior; either as ‘passive influence’ or as co-fronting and co-consciousness.

Some systems have to work on barriers to get Behavioral transmission, which might be as simple as acknowledging the alters as behind them. Others have it as part of the standard function, or see fluctuations without any particular reason.

‘Grayouts’ are barriers that allow Knowledge through; instead of any experience, alters get descriptions of events. It can be compared to being told about memories, like a book or news report.

Systems tend to encourage the permanent sharing of Sensation and Knowledge when decreasing amnesia, Behavior when attempting co-consciousness, and Affect only when fusing.

A fully assembled memory is taken into long term storage, where they usually go when there is no trauma. I don’t know if endogenic or healed traumagenic systems have that complete lack of barriers or if they learn to dissociate non-traumatic memories for individuality.

So I guess I’d like to hear from systems with no barriers, systems with Affective/emotional barriers, and systems that dissociate memories for non-trauma reasons. The whole system or between some members would also work.

What is it like to experience? How do you perceive the sharing, either in internal worlds or as a construct? What does it mean for system dynamics when the alters to share what they do?

You can answer without those guidelines, if you’d prefer. I’m more just curious about the existence of others unlike us than looking for specific datasets.

[sophieinwonderland]

Found a Hate Blog in The #Plural Tag. 😮‍💨

As I covered recently, "Plural" is an inclusive word with origins in endogenic and non-disordered systems.

If any anti-endo posts in the "#plural" tag or other inclusive tags, don't expect your DNIs to be respected.

They also are doing this knowingly. People have already tried to contact them about using the inclusive plural tag and the hate blog has stubbornly refused.

So if they're going to post in inclusive tags, I figured I might as well respond to some of their vent posts in anti-endo tags. As always, if anti-endos have a problem with this or feel boundaries are being unfairly crossed, please take it up with the hate blog I'm responding to that's invading our spaces.

Also, really weird how they just jump straight into saying "pro-endos" aren't systems either. Hate to break it to you, but there are a lot of traumagenic DID systems whose disorders and trauma are just valid as yours. And they manage to not be bigots too!

Wait... are they claiming that ALL dissociation can only be caused by trauma?

Although previous research has implicated a history of childhood trauma in the development of dissociative tendencies, insufficient cognizance (in this context) has been taken of the distinction between pathological and nonpathological dissociation. In this study, the relationship between childhood trauma and both pathological and nonpathological dissociation was investigated in a sample of 100 Australian adults. Pathological dissociation was positively predicted by dimensions of childhood trauma, but no such relationship was found for nonpathological dissociation (psychological absorption). The data are consistent with the traumagenic model of the dissociative disorders, but factors other than childhood trauma may also be pertinent.

Amazing how they compare us with anti-vaxxers while trying to claim all dissociation is traumagenic. This wasn't even hard to find. 🙄

"I don't care about any morals"

Well, at least you're up front about it.

Also, I tend to check the DID tags every now and then and you know what I don't see there? Endogenic systems!

"#Endo Safe" tags are more often than not used by pro-endo traumagenic systems.

Guess what! If you have DID, you get to post in the DID tags. Being a hateful bigot isn't a requirement! Anyone with DID has the right to post in the DID tags, and can tag their post as endo safe too!

Maybe you wouldn't get as many anons from endogenic systems if you stop posting in inclusive tags. Just a thought!

How are they harmful to the community again?

Weren't you just saying earlier that pro-endos were stealing resources? Now you're acknowledging that they're making resources for the community, but this is also bad?

LOL!

Genic labels literally only exist because of the pro-endo community. And the anti-endo community notoriously hates xeno-origins like NPD-genic. Yes, people will assume you're endo-safe when you use xeno-origins because these terms, like most resources in the plural community, were made by pro-endos.

Keep it up guys! It's working! We're spreading!

Sorry, I don't feel like rebutting anything here. I just appreciate seeing that our efforts are paying off!

The Future is Plural! 😁

Stop!

This talking point has been completely debunked.

System hopping was used by pro-endos 15 years before the earliest association with RAMCOA. The idea that it was a RAMCOA term is a total lie invented by anti-endos!

OSDD-1A and OSDD-1B are not actually official disorders. There is an OSDD. The first example, called OSDD-1 sometimes, gives two possible presentations. One with less distinct alters and amnesia, and another with no amnesia. But these aren't called OSDD-1a or OSDD-1b.

If your goal is education, this nuance is important.

Could it be because ASPEC people have dealt with a ton of exclusionism from some queer communities, and are more accepting of other people as a result? And perhaps they also recognize similarities between system exclusionists and queer exclusionists?

You're coming and posting in our tags!

That's why people keep interacting with you! "Plural" is a term coined by non-disordered systems, you've been told this, and you insist on posting in inclusive tags anyway!

You don't get to bust in someone's door, complain about them in their home, and then tell them not to interact with you! It doesn't work like that!

Funny how these are the only sources they can provide. And they exclusively deal with DID without even touching on other forms of plurality.

Anyway...

The ICD-11 says you can experience "multiple distinct personality states" without a dissociative disorder.

The creators of the theory of structural dissociation have said hypnosis and mediumship may involve self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality.

And Transgender Mental Health, written by Eric Yarbrough and published by the American Psychiatric Association (who publishes the DSM) says you can be plural without trauma or a disorder.

Sources repeatedly affirm that it's possible to be plural without trauma!

Anyone who claims it's impossible to be plural without trauma is either ignorant or lying.

And if you're going to keep spreading hate and misinformation, at least keep it out of inclusive tags!

[plan-3-tmars]

"You're Just Sitting On The Train" - Double MV Analysis

There's a conversation between the two main character's in a podcast I love called Red Valley which reminds me of the imagery in Double.

"You know when you're on a train, and it's held up, and you're just stuck in the middle of a field while they get the leaves off the line or whatever, and you're going to be hopelessly late, there might be awful consequences to get stressed about but... there's literally nothing you can do about it. It's not your fault. Hopefully you've got a book or something. You're just sitting on the train."

The conversation in context with the scene is about being able to put your problems and stresses, like being late for work, on someone else's shoulders. Let them take responsibility for what's going on so you can feel some relief. It got me thinking about Mikoto and Orekoto (who I'm just going to call John thanks to Neoplasm) and I want to talk about what I think the meaning of it is!!

Trains have many, many different meanings - like almost a ridiculous amount of different interpretations can be made - but I think the meanings that are the most important while talking about Mikoto are trains representing the passage of time, destiny and loneliness.

Loneliness:

While on a train, or waiting for one, you are surrounded by people. However as shown here, most keep their head down and don't speak unless spoken too. It gives a sense of loneliness, you are surrounded by people yet completely alone.

I think this could apply to Mikoto's situation and was possibly a stress factor for him. It is implied from his T1 interrogation questions that Mikoto was popular enough, knowing a lot of people either now or back in high school, but he doesn't seem to open up to any of them. He's alone in the big city with nobody to talk to. He lies to his mother that everything's okay in their phone call and bottles up his stress. Because of this he is dependant on John to function : "But if you persist, I guess it's my job to keep things on an even keel."

The Passage of Time:

This shot showcases how long the train actually is, it flies through each carriage insanely fast, blurring slightly from the speed alone.

It's been extremely clear since T1 that Mikoto suffers heavily from dissociative amnesia, something that is a very common symptom of DID, and I think the fact this shot blurs could be representing that.

Trains representing time and how humans view the passage of time is probably one of the most popular ways they appear, we tend to think of time as one thing that moves forward constantly in a straight line, similar to an uninterrupted train on a train track, but for Mikoto (and John) time is blurry, hazy. It may seem like things move too fast to keep track of (pun not intended) or individuals with DID can sometimes describe it as feeling like you're missing hours, fronting in a place or room you know you weren't in before and being unaware of the events that led up to you getting to this point.

This feeling of missing hours is relevant to this specific scene as after the camera moves through the train the first person we see is Mikoto - not John, who was in the doorway.

Destiny:

Trains are always headed to a specific location so they can also be associated with life's journey, or in other words, fate and destiny.

Both Mikoto and John are shown as the passengers on their train, not the conductor. They are not in control over life's events, just sitting on the train and this is extremely stressing - especially for Mikoto. John says things like : "another day with that hardly barely there of a smile // You're going to break // You're overdoing it, you're already broken". Mikoto seems to find it hard to deal with life's events, aka the train ride, and perhaps feels like the end destination is unattainable at times of stress.

This point is stressed further imo by the fact that we can't see outside. The windows of the train are either white or black for the majority of the MV, sometimes light or 1 image makes itself known but never a full image of what's actually outside.

Bonus: The Train's Maps!

The map's of the train are shown glitched out, also possibly hinting to the feeling of the train's final destination being unattainable, or could also be referencing hazy memories, but I think this specific detail is about John.

We see the maps glitching out when John sings the lyric : "I don't even know the reason why I'm here." [Future Mars I now know this was Mikoto singing but um.. my overall point still stands.] I think the maps glitching could represent the feeling of the loss of purpose.

John was 'born' in order to protect Mikoto, to help carry the burden of whatever is stressing him so much, yet instead of helping Mikoto he ended up being scared of him ("hey, now I saved you right? So why in the hell are you crying?") and it was John's actions that landed them in Milgram - an environment that Mikoto finds extremely stressing, to the point of there being a chance he goes dormant in T3.

Trains are created to arrive at a certain destination, so a train with no idea where it's going (glitchy maps) has lost its purpose.

Despite being an alter 'born' to protect, John has accidently caused Mikoto more harm when he tries, so he questions his role in the system.

Edit: Journey into the Subconscious

After staring at the MV a couple more times I think there's one more train theme I forgot to mention that fits here too, which is that trains can sometimes represent a journey into the mind.

I think there's a chance that the train could represent the system as a whole, or more specifically headspace. The only people on the train are John and Mikoto and the fact we never see what's outside gives a sort of surreal, dream like atmosphere, almost as if this was happening in an environment with no psychical appearance.

The lyrics sung in Double seem to be more directed at Mikoto than the actual audience, and from the last line "I'm so sorry" we can deduce that this song is something of an apology and explanation of John's actions that he wants Mikoto to hear.

[prettieplural]

Hi, i just saw your post talking about how endos are not systems inherently because of lack of trauma (NOT ME PLEASE IM NOT ONE OF THEM) lol im just questioning whether or not i am truly plural or if what i have is something different??? Mainly questioning because i think im downplaying my own trauma?? Like i think im possibly a system and then i go "wait but i wasnt THAT traumatized and my sisters seem alright so..."

Like im autistic and i had a shitty step dad for 9 years and im trans????? But is that *enough*??? I can never tell and i feel like im losing my mind and lying to myself. And its not like i can tell "who is who" in my head, i just FEEL FUCKING WEIRD!!!!

Sorry for this big ass rant but i guess im wondering how much trauma is *enough* trauma /gen i just dont know how to use words i guess

hi amethyst here 💜

it's important to remember that "severe childhood trauma" refers to in the eyes of the child - not the surrounding world. that means if it was bad to child you then it was bad enough.

as for what you're describing, it's very similar to what angel (our co-host) has gone through himself. we are also autistic and for months he battled if his trauma was bad enough, he has siblings that turned out fine but all of that doesn't matter because it wasn't fine to him. you need to remember dissociative amnesia, most people forget a large chunk of their trauma due to it - to protect them.

there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with questioning being a system despite not knowing if you have trauma/trauma not "bad enough" the problem lies in proudly proclaiming is you are a system without trauma. you've got absolutely nothing to worry about, best of luck to you 💜

[theswiftheartsystem]

We got posted on r/fdc let’s discuss.

So we knew this was going to happen, and rather then being sad about this, we’d like to point out flaws in the arguments. Obviously warning for fake claiming.

also warnings for: talks about trauma and abuse, splitting, mental health episodes, psyche wards, ableism, making a joke out of exorcisms.

First off, “disorder salad” on that introduction post we only talked about things we were medically recognized as having or diagnosed with. Also the “it’s always the anime ones” it’s a picrew? A lot of Picrews are in a anime style, and if you go to Louise’s actual alter intro she uses not just picrews.

This one is just making fun of us. I don’t think we have ever fully posted why we are so connected to the character, but I’ll explain now. So when we were little we went through a lot of abuse and trauma. We had a lot of DVDs and a couple were CareBears. And we felt safe when we watched silly little characters like that. It brought us relief. We aren’t sure why we are so attached to Swift Heart specifically, but we have a little who is obsessed with the color blue and rabbits that formed around that time. We even own the original 80s plush which we found thrifting and means so much to us, plus a few other things of the character. We named our system this, not only because it represents our trauma, but also it represents safety, a light in the dark.

When did we self diagnose???? Also in that post we state that we intend to talk about the bad sides. We don’t think this is fun. Yes we portray ourselves a certain way, but we actually have constant flashbacks, panic attacks, and BPD episodes. It’s sometimes a daily thing. For around 2-3 weeks we would split at least once a day. We don’t think thats fun. But also sometimes you can enjoy life and enjoy being plural. When you live like this you learn to enjoy what you have and what you are living with. If we didn’t we wouldn’t survive. How parasocial do you have to be to think A TUMBLR ACCOUNT shows how we are 24/7.

Going back to the Self Diagnosis thing, We were being treated for DID before anyone put a label on it. We were talked to about “how when someone has many parts of them, sometimes fusion can help them feel more whole.” And asked when dissociating and acting strange who we were regularly asked who we where. When we we’re 15, we had gone to the Psyche ward for the 2nd time, and they couldn’t diagnose us, because of our age at the time, but they strongly suggested we get tested for it when we were old enough. And to get them to recommend anything, they have to talk to all the therapists, doctors, and psychologists, especially the ones who work with you. It’s been years since then, and guess what? We still have DID!

Finally the last claim out of the first comment, the Sub-System thing, that wasn’t in the original post, and I’m unaware who edited it in, but the reason we are confused if they are a subsystem, is because they are plural as it’s where dormant alters are stored. They speak as one and it’s quite strange. Not sure how to explain it.

Okay, comment 2:

The difference between DID and OSDD-1 in the DSM-5 is it’s nearly DID but isn’t quite. (Bad explanation, but these people need simple explanations) often times, it’s the alters are not distinct enough from the host, or a lack of blackout amnesia. This isn’t always the case but that’s what they were referring to. Also have you read the DSM-5’s entry on DID and OSDD-1?.. We have, many times actually. Guess what? it’s purposefully vague FOR A REASON. Because disorders are complex and wouldn’t be able to fit everyone if it was to specific.

This is just ableism. We have been told this by people and our life (luckily nothing was done), and we have heard stories about systems going through this. This stuff is incredibly traumatizing to the people who go through it. This kind of rhetoric being treated as a joke is disgusting.

We aren’t online everyday (also you, the person who commented this, have posted 10 times in the last 11 hours)

The stuff we are “faking” are often co-morbid with DID?!?!

I’m pretty sure this comment is trying to be like “they are doing it for attention to deal with their trauma that’s so sad 🥺🥺🥺”

If that’s the case, you are adding onto the problem

if you believe us and feel bad for us, thanks, but posting it on that subreddit just boost the post which can lead to harassment.

That’s literally the words that was told to us. By our former therapist. We believe it’s C-PTSD, but we put that instead of that because some reason we struggle to believe we have PTSD more then we do DID at this point.

Anyway, yeah, we’d thought we debunk/explain why the argument they have is stupid, they have a platform, but so do we.

[indigochromatic]

Ok ok, system experiences: weird forms of amnesia edition

Alright, like the alterhuman folks have all been saying today, lemme try to actually write some of this personal experiences stuff instead of only reblogging posts about how it'd be a great thing to do, lol Bit of rambling about one of the few forms of amnesia/(amnesia-adjacent-thing? idk) that we experience, and don't hear other systems describe as much.

So, as a system, we don't (as far as we know) have a lot of amnesia, especially not amnesia around events or blackouts between switches. We do have different emotions and perspectives about stuff, and different degrees of emotional attachment to different memories and concepts, but most of the time we have access to the same memories, and can tell who's front-POV any individual memory was from when either of us recalls it.

We did get a bit of a reminder today that we do actually experience some form of narrative/episodic amnesia...kind of? We don't hear it talked about a lot, so hey, I'll talk about it, and I'd love to know if anyone reading this recognizes it (either from their own experiences, or if they happen to know some kind of official term for it or something). Essentially, it's like...temporary, stress-induced memory shutdowns? Kind of like how when we're having a really out-of-it day, we can just mentally afk and miss 50%-80% of what someone says when they're trying to have a conversation with us, except it'll extend beyond just immediate short-term recall and make it hard to access practically anything from the whole week/month/etc. A key thing about the experience for us is that it doesn't feel like...a "blackout", and (as far as we've been able to tell from getting better memory access back later) it's not centered around specific extra-upsetting events or anything, it's more like...really, really bad internet connection while trying to search our brain for answers to stuff. "What did we do this past week? idk, it was normal stuff, though. How are we feeling, I know intellectually it was kind of a rough week? idk pretty chill probably :)"

Also, we can kinda start getting recall back if we're prompted about specific details and stuff, but too much trying-to-remember effort (especially in situations where we're being called on to do emotional work, like therapy sessions) can also turn into a headache--like, oh yeah, here's the memory, but if we get more than "a sentence or two into the first paragraph" of recalling it, we'll get a nice little dissociation headache and suddenly something else seems way more interesting to think about.

Anyways, thought that might be a useful experience for other folks to compare notes on? It doesn't feel from the inside like amnesia in the "traditional" sense, really, not only because it's in transient episodes but also because we still have the strong sense that the memories are actually there and that there's no lost time or anything Really Bad that's been redacted. It's also it's pretty overtly obvious that it's protective mechanism due to stress/mental overload, even though it's not deliberate, and not under conscious control. In that way, it feels like a pretty apt comparison to say that it's like we're having a speech shutdown episode, except for about memory instead of talking out loud--we didn't lose the memories, the mental filing cabinet drawer just got stuck; we didn't lose our verbal processing, we just can't get the words to happen out loud right now.

If we had to guess, just from how it feels body-wise, the mechanism is probably similar to what happens in catatonia? Also--forgot to mention this earlier, but if we keep getting pressed about stuff, either externally or from pushing ourselves internally, it'll almost always end up triggering a switch (usually to me, which is exactly what happened earlier today in family therapy, lmao). Do I remember the week better than L does, when that happens? Hm. Kinda? The catatonia-like "mentally underwater" feeling goes away for sure, and it's more like...I can get to the bare minimum content information more easily, (like the bullet points info awareness), without getting lost in the fog about it--but I still don't have really any better recall of the narrative stuff. That's my current theory, idk, could be wrong. Anyone else know what I'm describing? Lmk!

[nonaltercdd]

I'm not even sure if we have flashbacks to be honest,, I guess we do but we're not good at identifying them. We don't like "see" things but sometimes we'll sort of remember the sounds or we'll get like an "emotional" flashback, if that makes sense?? I don't know. Just something we realised

Being honest? We kinda were in the same years ago, and sometimes I doubt myself if I really have flashbacks

I think what happens here is something similar to what amnesia is like. People tend to talk and see just one specific type, and if you don't fit the criteria of this only type that's expected "you're really not having that" and that's pretty sad

As we said in our previous post flashbacks can feel and present in many ways, and yes, this kind of emotional or somatic flashbacks are real and a very valid and common way of experience

We have to remember that a flashbacks are a way in which the brain re experience an event and it can happen with the 5 senses, with memories or just with feelings, it's a dissociative response in which the brain tricks itself that the event is happening again and therefore the reaction, it disconnects from the present reality to go back to the past

There are many ways a flashback can feel and present, even with the same memory there can be variations of feeling and experience

You don't have to name all the flashbacks moments as one, you don't have to identify all the flashbacks you pass through, its ok if you can't' identify a flashbacks as one, that doesn't make you any less valid, flashbacks are different and unique, terrifying also

Hope this realization you have (I think because of our post) doesn't hit you in the wrong way

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

[multiplicity-positivity]

Oh and I was also wondering what partial amnesia feels like? I always thought I just have a really bad memory, but thinking of it as partial amnesia makes a lot more sense. Like being constantly slightly dissociated. It’s definitely not full amnesia, so how would you describe partial amnesia?

ah so, we’re not a professional, and i’m not confident enough in our understanding of amnesia (even as a system who regularly experiences amnesia) to give a full or complete answer here.

if we had to guess (and this is one uneducated system’s guess, not meant to be taken as fact), partial amnesia would refer to when parts of a memory are hidden or forgotten. in this way, perhaps emotional amnesia (where the events can be recalled, but not emotional responses) or i guess physical amnesia, for lack of a better term (where the events cannot be recalled, but the emotional responses remain) could be considered partial amnesia.

we think when systems experience greyouts they are left with partial amnesia afterwards. we’d definitely call the aftermath of greyouts partial amnesia, at least. after a greyout, many systems are able to recall some, but not all of the events that took place. the memories may seem hazy, unclear, or not real. to us this sounds like it could be partial amnesia.

we’ll go ahead and link our post we’ve made in the past on dissociative amnesia. i don’t think we mentioned partial amnesia specifically there, but it may still prove useful for you. we at least did talk about greyouts at length there. and quite often dissociative amnesia can leave parts or pieces of memories behind.

we hope this helps… our apologies if it doesn’t!

🐢 kip and 🖋 cecil

[cozza-frenzy]

Welp. Guess there's nothing else for it at this point... I'm feeling brave tonight, and I plan on riding this wagon until it crashes into something and explodes, so here we go. Content Warning for childhood trauma and mental health issues. If you want to skip this part, I'll indicate further down where it gets a bit less "dark", but further down is something about me I feel like y'all should know.

I'm Terry, as quite a lot of you know. I'm 35 years old, and for most of my life the inside of my head was... a very, VERY noisy place. It felt like I was constantly accosted by intrusive thoughts, weird compulsions, memories from my past that randomly blindsided me and disappeared just as quickly down the "memory hole". This stemmed from a huge amount of abuse I suffered throughout my childhood; experiencing bullying at school, in shared spaces, and at home. I learned over time and a lot of therapy what was causing at least SOME of this and got names for it. C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Dissociative Amnesia. Some of it, I even blamed on my autism. I figured having a constant sensory overload inside your own head was just how things worked for people like me. And then, a little over a week ago now... I hurt someone unintentionally, got very upset at myself, and had an extremely bad migraine. And while I wasn't conscious, somebody else woke up. Someone who, it turns out, I could talk to... and they were very, very happy to see me. There was another one, too, who was very scared but eventually came out when they realized we weren't going to hurt them. And from there, they started to grow... telling me who they were, and why they were here. (This is where the 'darker' stuff ends.)

So, yeah. I haven't had an official diagnosis yet, but it's looking extremely likely that I have OSDD - a type of DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as Multiple Personalities. The specific symptoms I'm showing mean that the 'alters' - the various personalities - don't have amnesia, so we're all aware of each other and can co-operate on tasks. There are five of us so far - me (Terry), Chaos, Taffy, Hyi and "Roses" (who for personal/privacy reasons is going by a pseudonym in public spaces for now). Collectively, we call ourselves the Magical Mystery Box, or the Magbox/Mbox for short. If this is a problem for any of my followers; as usual, y'all know where the door is. I literally do not care if you unfollow. I'm not here to participate in any self-DX or discourse bullshit, we're literally just trying to cope with the fact there are now multiple gremlins (affectionate) running around inside our shared head, and we've had to learn How To Human all over again because we somehow managed to suppress this until NOW. I'll let my "alters" introduce themselves in a separate post - rest assured, they are all nice! But yeah, uh… surprise! Turns out we're a system, and I'm actually multiple people wearing a metaphorical trenchcoat. I'm going to bed and hopefully don't regret this...

[the-bottle-system]

i’ve been doing some more introspection on my past experiences and i think it’s possible that i might have been plural, or my plurality might have been foreshadowed, for at least a few years.

for probably a few years now if i had to guess? i’ve just always had these Super vivid conversations with myself, as if there was someone else or as if i was two people at once. we would have banter and joking arguments but they would also be there during more serious times. i was looking at osdd symptoms out of curiosity, one of which is “talking to yourself” (loosely quoted) and it really made me think yk

i really only have a couple anecdotal stories, especially since our dissociative amnesia is so severe right now (a lot of which is my doing and i’m trying to own up to it), but looking back on them it’s like. Huh.

there was this one time i was jokingly arguing with “me” and they called me a “baka” and i was SO offended that i put it as my discord bio and stuff as “DID I JUST GET CALLED A BAKA” lmao 💀 but looking back on that like. i don’t think most people get that (jokingly) offended at their own words 😭

(tw prosecutors, ab*sers, dissociation, splitting, switches, existentialism/existential fear?)

there was also this one really vague time that i was having a breakdown and getting help from a friend for it, and i was talking about myself in the third person. i also remember kind of talking with the attributes of someone who traumatized me, and considering our last prosecutor was an introject of her… i don’t know. for a long time part of my internal monologue has taken on her voice so it’s possible that that was just an aspect of me that separated itself further off in our recent split

even with the first “real switches” after the split, it was terrifying because anything other than our single identity was out of the question, but it could explain why we only identify as plural now if we have been for a long time, because any switches would have been missed because it was so out of the question. hell even dissociation ITSELF was out of the question because we had no idea what we were doing “counted” as it

my point being um uhhhh,., i’m not really too sure 😭 but i’m trying to keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions too quickly. it is really helpful looking back on the past though :3

ANYWAYS we’re all getting along well! we’re starting to be on better terms with each other and have banter and it really reminded me of this. rant over, feel free to let us know if you guys have any similar experiences!

-🎀

[granulesofsand]

We’ve recently been researching ramcoa to figure out what happened in our expierience, and we think we had Alice in wonderland programming, but I can’t find a lot of information about it. Can you explain it a little more in depth?

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA, weird childhood torture shit, mild swearing

I don’t think we have an Alice in Wonderland script, but I can describe some of our features that might’ve been ripped off from it. There are a few people who’ve written long descriptions, but it’s not the easiest read.

A programming script is a piece of media superimposed onto a dissociative system. Alters might have roles or names tied to the story, the map of the innerworld similar to given landmarks, programs related to plot lines.

Alice in Wonderland is fairly common because of its age and thematic elements (an “induction” into another world, a guide figure, fantastical nonsense). There are also several versions of the media in circulation, which makes it easy to pick one for the kid to memorize.

The particular programs you have depend on the kid and the perps, and some groups have a set method of using a piece. The major points are all included in some way, but the variation can be pretty extreme because it’s been used in this context for so long.

It hasn’t been my experience that an absolute understanding of the media is required, but it’ll be pretty center stage if it’s the main script used for your system. Don’t look into the media if you can help it.

This is a mix of what I know and what I guess based on the stuff my system has, so feel free to take and leave as much as you want.

Some big ones (not all require the script, nor will the script guarantee these items):

Characters (can be 1 or more of each)

White Rabbit - programmer (introject or npc), guide role, sometimes carries a pocket watch related to programs

Alice - host or amnesiac alter, confusion and alienation from other alters, has a visitor effect for the programmed alter

Dodo - gatekeeper, introduces Alice to nonrules of Wonderland, opposites programming, sometimes scramble in the form of trained learning disability symptoms

Caterpillar - gatekeeper of sorts, apathetic guide, blows smoke that triggers memory movement (gaining or losing)

Cheshire Cat - gatekeeper, trickster guide, sneaky cat, important but uncooperative, smile and stripes usually stick depending on the role

March Hare - persecuter kinda, crazy and no escape programs, party guest at teatime

Mad Hatter - higher up, crazy and no escape programs, time loss amnesia, disobeys time and normality

Dormouse - sleep program, drugged sedation, doesn’t mind chaos, spooks easy

Flowers - no good programming, berate Alice and target weak spots, might be alter or landscape

Queen - higher up, strict enforcement of nonsense rules, obedience without question, trails and parties and croquet in the palace, commander of card army

Events

Rabbit hole - induction, sometimes includes disorientation or vertigo, feature of the innerworld, no panic despite situation

Eat me - if literal it messes with interoception or scramble/shutdown, also might be the name of a program or cue, the tear river and hall of doors as well as prop fan, gloves, and food may be traps in the innerworld. Enforces backwards thinking and lack of concrete rules

Teatime - may include the screeching duchess and pig baby, the Cheshire Cat takes Alice to the Mad Hatter. It is always 6 o’clock, but the date changes, enforcing amnesia for time loss. Everyone at the tea party insists Alice is the mad one. Lots of cue phrases come from this scene, the tea may represent various functions

Party - the Queen of Hearts throws a party and demands Alice join her game or croquet, obedience, fear, sometimes party refers to torture, leads to trial and escape

All of that is the first book. Another big thing is Looking Glass programming, where mirror fragments of alters split as a deterrent against exploration of forbidden areas. Card hierarchy, garden maze, and reality reversal are all possible too.

Lots of options, as with everything, and it’s entirely possible you have this script and don’t see any of these in your system. Consuming source media tends to reinforce programming, so have a support system who really knows how to handle your shit if you need to look.

[alicentflorent]

People really be accusing Alicent of elder abuse because in the few scenes we saw of them she got frustrated with him, yelled at him and stormed off a couple of times. Now I can see how out of context watching a frail, dying man get lashed out at can perhaps seem abusive but the thing is, we do have context here and we know that Alicent was 14 (four and ten!!) when her father had her befriend the king, 15 when the king publicly declared her as his soon to be wife (something she had no say in and seemingly wasn’t even asked before hand), This was after the king asked her not to tell Rhaenyra about their friendship because “she wouldn’t understand” translation: he knew secretly meeting Alicent was wrong but he liked the attention off the pretty young girl (he later said he knew Otto sent Alicent there as a distraction, proving he knew Alicent had no romantic interest in him. After they marry, Alicent endures years of marital rape had three pregnancies back to back from the ages of 15 to 18/19, was mocked by viserys whilst he was drunk for trying to be a good host to daemon and do her duty as queen, felt like a prisoner her role as wife and queen - a role she never wanted, we saw her be woken up in the middle of the night, not long after having a baby, and told that the king had summoned her for sex, then we see an uncomfortable marital rape scene where young Alicent is clearly uncomfortable and dissociating, and yet she still plays the good and dutiful wife role which only seems to start to change when her father is fired and she is scared for her children. What we mostly see is that she is cold towards him as her anger and unhappiness has spiralled over the years.

Now let’s talk about viserys, he’s grown on fans over the past six episodes and I understand why, he brings some good, needed humour to the show and he does love and support Rhaenyra and her illegitimate children unconditionally but people seem to have amnesia and have gone as far to call him feminist for continuing to support Rhaenyras claim. But let’s take a look back at the bad things viserys has done shall we: the first episode we meet an exhausted pregnant aemma who has had multiple miscarriages and stillbirths but is pregnant again because viserys insists they keep trying for a boy because he’s desperate for a male heir. Then when Aemma is going to die in childbirth he is given the choice to do a c section which will kill Aemma who is still conscious and lucid, but may save the babe, now Aemma repeatedly objections and begs them to stop but the brutal scene of Aemmas painful death continues and this is the wife he loved. He clearly didn’t consider the impact of teenage Alicent having to suffer the same complications, and complications are more likely in a girl not fully developed, Alicent still had three babies back to back, early in the marriage, because he enjoyed fucking his young wife I guess. The birth/death scene also had a lot of complaints from women because of how graphic it was and as a woman, I understand why but we were being shown how terrible it was and were supposed to realise how traumatic it was for Aemma and how Viserys was willing to put her through it for the small possibility of gaining a son. He eventually makes Rhaenyra (who didn’t feel like her father was ever happy with just her as his child) his heir but only after daemon publicly insults his dead son. Rhaenyra was chosen because he never planned to remarry and he would choose the daughter born out of love than the son he had to keep the lords of his back. Let’s not forget feminist dad over here is only king at the expense of a more qualified woman, and it’s not his fault he was chosen but he never expressed that Rhaenys deserved the throne being that she was a more qualified woman.

In conclusion, I don’t think Alicent is abusing viserys, I think she feels strong enough to fight back and show her feelings around because of his weakened state and I’m not saying it isn’t possible for the victim to become the abuser especially when their abuser becomes vulnerable and unable to fight back. But based on what we have seen I don’t think that is what is happening here. She’s angry and she’s been venting a lot, saying horrible things about Rhaenyra and her children, arguing with her husband but she has not been abusing the man she was sold to at 14. The closest abusive tendencies she’s shown was towards aegon when she grabbed his face and spoke to him in the intimidating way her father spoke to her at that age. It seems generational trauma runs deep, but that is a topic for another day.

[mothicality]

Posting this to see if anyone else is like this, or maybe anyone has some thoughts on this?

Everyone's allowed to interact with this post, including (especially! I want your thoughts!) anti-endos and others who are against us, don't believe we exist, etc.

Keep in mind this post discusses plurality outside DID and OSDD-1, not Endogenic DID/OSDD-1 (which we do not believe in). We're not here to argue about that.

So, we're mixed origins, mainly traumagenic but also significantly endogenic, and we're definitely not disordered plurality-wise or related (ex. dissociation, amnesia, etc.) - just to say, we are definitely not a dissociative system, so not DID or OSDD-1.

We're lucky to never really have experienced fakeclaiming personally, but of course we're aware of the whole endo debate, the great question - "Are endos real?"

Well, as a (partially) endogenic house (system)... I don't care..?

Our opinions on it vary a little, but for the most part, we just... don't care if our House is 'objectively real', if any of us are.

We care about what we experience, and what we experience is being several, so that's what we are. We don't care if we'd show up on brain scans or are otherwise objectively provable, we don't care if it's proven we aren't real, the only thing that matters to us is our experiences and the claimed experiences of others, not the 'objective truth'.

There's so much about whether or not we're real, and we see others doubting their realness so much, and I guess I just don't understand why it matters outside validation, and if it's all about external validation, that just seems unhealthy.

It doesn't matter to us if we're real or not, just that we experience ourselves how we do, and that this is how we live our best lives.

[syscultureis]

Hello! We were wondering if you could help with some potential terminology, but it's okay if it's too complex :)

Do you know what we could call this particular alter - we believe shell is the wrong word for them, as we didn't experience RAMCOA, however this alter (fragment?) is pretty devoid of their own personality/thoughts/interests (our running theory is this alter kind of shields us all from being too present during traumas/potential traumas)

Our frequent fronters can front through this alter, but all our alters also seem to be able to front for themselves without needing to go through the alter in question, which is another reason we are hesitant to call them a shell. They are kind of our default masking state I guess. If we are very anxious/meeting new people/uncomfortable it is more likely that others will front through this alter than to front for themselves. They can leave the front and we find that's when we have the most amnesia. A lot of the time they will be around and kind of logging everything we do so that the current day isn't a total blur and have been able to get by okay until recently.

Any nudge in the right direction for finding appropriate terminology for this kind of alter would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for running this blog, it's extremely helpful as someone who has only recently discovered they are part of a system. It's incredibly validating to hear from others with dissociative disorders reinforce that we are not alone in our struggles and it has opened doors for us to begin healing. Take care.

Honestly I'm not sure what I would call that alter, shell sounds like the closest thing that I would call it