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erospandemos · 11 months

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I just can't help it

Yandere Chaewon x Reader

Part 1

“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.”

― Ernest Hemingway, Men Without Women

What you’re about to read is a confession to you. An apology, if you prefer to call it that, as I’ve professed my love to you plenty of times—although it won’t ever be enough—and you’re at the knowledge of every crime I’ve committed since we met.

My Korean teacher repeatedly reiterated the lack of clarity in my essays and oral exams. I’m not good with words, you see. That’s why I thought that letting you know about the events in my life that shaped me and the feelings that followed me throughout these months would make you understand me better.

I know our conversations weren’t as deep as you probably expected. I’ve tried to explain myself to the best of my abilities and even if it was a mess you seemed to make out that flurry of words and comfort me. Sometimes, I truly thought you understood me more than I did.

It’s true that we always talked in riddles and puzzles but it made more sense that way. Because our—my—love was pure madness and somehow the riddles explained it better than we ever could.

The lack of sleep shouldn’t have affected my mind too much, at least in the part that’s in charge of writing.

If you’re reading this, I hope you understand. Sorry if I’m rambling a lot, and sorry if I will ramble more in the following pages. Right, sorry if I’m apologizing a lot—you told me not to do that. I just can’t help it.

I was tortured since the age of 6 when I started going to elementary school, that’s as far as I can remember. You could also say I was “bullied”, it’s what the adults like to call it, but it’s the same thing. People get defensive, almost offended when I use the other term. “Wow,” was a common reaction, “that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?” I didn’t think it was extreme.

When I so naively asked my teacher the difference between the two words, she chuckled and looked at me as if I asked her what the difference between hot and cold was. Surprise was another clear feeling I could read from her expression. She asked me how I knew those words. I simply said I heard them from outside and she told me to forget them.

That evening, when I came home, I took the chair from my mother’s desk and put it next to the bookshelf, I climbed it and looked at the books on the top shelf. They were the books she used the least and between them, sitting all dusty and forgotten, was also the dictionary.

I blew and rubbed the dust away then I looked for the two words. I read the two definitions closely and more than one time but I still didn’t understand. They were the same.

I didn’t ask my teacher anything else. My teacher was clearly against explaining them to me.

But I was sure, I knew those two words extremely well because I felt them on my skin.

I wanted to be an idol. I told everyone in my class because I thought it was a normal dream—we all watched idols on TV in the afternoon—and being an astronaut seemed a lot harder. Apparently, it wasn’t. Because I wanted to perform on a stage, I was “pretentious”, “narcissistic”, an “attention-seeker”, and a “whore”. I didn’t know what they meant and thought they were compliments and they etched those words into my skin.

I later found their definitions in the dictionary and understood what they were saying.

I wasn’t the only girl who wanted to be an idol. Hayoon, a classmate of mine, dreamt of testing for JYP, SM, YG, and all those big companies. She took dance and singing classes, they were both in group and private. She could afford it because her family was very rich. From what I heard in the classroom, she started training when she was just a little girl because her parents saw her dancing in front of the TV during an episode of Inkigayo.

Surprisingly, Hayoon was never shamed. Because she was “humble” and had “her feet on the ground”. She was loved by everyone and was the most favored prospect for the role of an idol, everyone seemed to believe in her dream. She was confident, danced well, and was beautiful. All the girls went to her house at least twice a month to go to her huge pool, splendid garden, and majestic house. I never went, I was never invited.

She was good at everything and topped all subjects. However, I sang better than her. In music classes and festivals, I was always chosen and often took the roles instead of her. When she realized she wasn’t the best, she became embarrassed and frustrated.

She didn’t have any way of making me sing worse and neither could sing better than me, even after all those expensive lessons, so she took to poking fun at me to try and drag me down. Of course her friends joined as well. They were always calling me "ugly", "weird", and "gross" in a way that didn’t seem childish or playful, but demeaning and insulting.

The other kids constantly berated me between classes, glued my books to the desk, slapped me and then ran away. They knew all the spots where there was no CCTV in the school. They even stole my brand-new headphones and glued my shoestrings to my shoes when I didn’t see them. We wore slippers and my shoes were in my locker.

My teachers never helped me. I’ve tried telling them and they didn’t believe me, or rather, they chose not to believe me because that was easier for them.

Only a girl had the courage to help me, it only took one word and two days to have everyone against her. “Stop,” she only said that and then everyone hated her. You never go against the group, you never try to make yourself different, you never try to fight back.

In the end, I understood the difference between torture and bullying: one was for hurting and one was for fun.

During middle school, the bullying stepped up a notch. Some of my classmates went to my same middle school, they had many friends there and the rumors spread like wildfire. Many of the students liked to take their stress out by bullying other students. They were pathetic and talentless, they hated anyone who had potential unless they provided them anything, like Hayoon.

Smoking was illegal. But they didn’t care. They found all the corners of the school where the CCTV didn’t see them and studied where the professors usually walked to avoid their path. It wasn’t always perfect and sometimes they were caught but it sure helped them and the bullies.

One day, I was dragged by my hair behind the basketball court and after getting pushed to the ground, the girls started slapping, laughing, and kicking me. The smoke from their cigarettes and the kicks to my belly and back took the air out of me. I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was going to die. They were experienced—they noticed my lack of breath, gave me breaks to catch it, and started kicking me again.

They were caught by a teacher who forgot his bag. They claimed they were only giving me “birthday punches” and didn’t admit anything, nor apologized. They weren’t stupid either. The girls had a very good reputation and a good student persona, essentially they didn’t have any criminal records.

When I was asked what happened, I was ready to tell them all the atrocities that took place in school. But then, I remembered the girls’ eyes. I looked at the professor and I knew, right there and then, that he didn’t believe me, even before I said anything. They wouldn’t have done anything but the word would have been out, that I snitched on the bullies and then I wouldn’t have survived.

So I stayed silent.

The girls only got punished for smoking after they explained they only wanted to try and continued to do it anyway.

Between the end of middle school and the start of high school, the bullies got more creative. They tied me up and broke my legs with a crowbar. The older the girls got, the more of them wanted to be idols, and the first thing they had to do was to get rid of the competition. They succeeded as I stopped dancing altogether since that day.

I continued singing but nobody wants to see an idol in a wheelchair, right?

After I couldn’t walk normally anymore, they started treating me like a rag. They used me to clean the bathroom, by pushing me around on the floor, putting my face against the toilet, and mopping me with dirty water. I was like a toy to them and their friends joined the fun.

Part 2

It was no wonder that many bullied students leave the school. Sometimes, they leave on their own, because they can’t stand the torture anymore, other times, the school removes them. The bullies only bully others because they can and they know they can get away with it: they have influential parents or come from wealthy families, so the school can only quietly get rid of the problem and those are the victims that can’t stay quiet.

The class in my department didn’t have many students but it was enough: 20 students. During the year, 5 students left, and at the end of the year, 2 others were sent to another school in the province. The remaining 13 weren’t enough to be left alone in the classroom so they joined us with a class from another department that also lost many students. In total, we were 31, which was a big number but they didn’t have any other choice.

You were one of those students. I only noticed you after a week because I got used to keeping my eyes low not to anger any of my classmates. You sat beside me. People usually tend to avoid me since they could also become victims of the bullies but you knew it and it was your decision.

“Is this seat taken?” you asked me. When I heard your voice, I had a moment of hesitation. I kept staring at the wooden desk but then I thought that you might have accused me of being rude for ignoring you and that would have been a good enough reason to pick on me, so I raised my eyes.

“No, it isn’t,” I replied. Your eyes were cold. I genuinely thought you were a bully too.

“Then, can I seat here?”

“You can if you want…” I told you, unsure. “But I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What? You fart a lot?”

I was taken aback. “No! I don’t.”

“I suppose it’s fine then,” you said and took the chair out to take your desk. You started getting ready for the lesson and didn’t seem to have any intention of doing anything to me. Every time someone spoke to me, it was to make a comment, make a joke, or give me an order. Still, I was suspicious of you.

The lesson proceeded as usual. You took your notes very diligently, writing almost everything the teacher said, making graphs and small summaries to keep your memory fresh. If you were to tell me you were the top student in your class, I would have believed it and later I’d find out you really were.

Your behavior wasn’t the one of a bully. And it wasn’t the behavior of a bullied either.

At the end of the last lesson before the lunch break, the teacher gave us surveys for our future career choices. I stared at the paper with a pen in my hand. What should I write? My future, my future was stolen from me. My dream was as meaningful as an ant’s life. After everything they did and said to me, a miserable life of insignificance and sadness sounded perfectly fit for me. I kept wondering and pondering until you turned to me.

“What do you want to do when you grow up, Chaewon?” you asked me while you were lazily spinning your pen between your fingers.

“I- I don’t know, what about you?” I stuttered. I couldn’t bring myself up to pronounce those words. I felt as if I had been banished from even muttering them and thinking about it only brought me horrible memories.

“Web security,” you said. “I go around and check companies’ safety in their servers and sites. I’ve already started an internship so I’m sure it’s what I’m going to do.”

“An internship? This early?”

“Yeah, I figured the more experience I get, the better. I got nothing better to do anyways.”

“Don’t you have any hobbies? Don’t you hang out with your… friends?”

“I don’t have that many friends, to be honest,” you replied nonchalantly. “I mean, I do go out like once every three months so it isn’t a lot but I still have friends I can talk to. I’ve never been good with people, I guess.”

“Ah, is that so?”

“I was always better on my own. I tried a lot of stuff and I liked web stuff better,” then you turned to me for a second time, looking at me more intensely than before, “but you didn’t answer my question yet. What do you wanna do?”

Being put on the spot like that, I wasn’t sure about what I was allowed to say. More than that, I didn’t know what I really wanted, if the dust of my once desire was still in me if my heart wasn’t dead cold. However, after all these years, a subtle string of fate kept me going and it was still something that I liked doing.

I looked at your eyes. They didn’t scare me.

“I want to be… an idol,” I said in a single breath. After I finished the sentence, a heavy feeling of guilt dawned on me. I felt as if I just committed a crime and I was in danger.

But you didn’t judge me.

“An idol, huh?” You laid back on your chair. “That’s pretty cool. I know it’s very hard if you really want to do it, props to you. It takes some guts to train for that stuff. To dance all day, to have everyone look at you, it’s something.”

“Do- do you think I can do it?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. I don’t know how well you dance, or how good you sing, or even what you tested for.”

“But is it a possible dream?”

“You can watch idols too, right? They had the same dream as you did. They did it. I think it’s possible, yeah. And I think you can do it, Chaewon.”

When you said that, I felt so relieved. It was comforting. Finally, I found someone that didn’t hate me, that didn’t shame and believed in me.

Just as you stopped talking, the bell rang. It was the time.

“Oh, look at her, ms. Idol,” said Yejun and pushed my head away for fun. He started laughing.

“Hands off, Yejun. And go away before I sock you in the face,” you said.

“I’m so scared, oh my god,” he laughed. “What do you think you’ll do huh? Do you want to protect this filthy rag? How generous,” he said and then slapped me.

“That’s enough, fuckface,” you got up and stared into his eyes. “That’s the last warning. Leave before I do something I might regret.”

He scoffed. “Really, you talk a lot. Don’t forget that you work for my father.”

“I don’t think you get it, Yejun. I don’t just work for your father. He depends on me. One click and his whole 20 servers will blow up. Do you really think that incompetent fool of your father fixed all the problems? He doesn’t know shit about his stuff, he only knows how to count money and scam his workers. There are so many weaknesses I could just hack the whole thing and change your company to my name.”

“You aren’t funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be. Now, that I’ve seen who this rag of yours is, tell your friends to keep their hands off her. I don’t want to see your father come back and beg at me and he’ll know it was all your fault. Everyone listens to you apparently, so spread the word. I won’t hesitate.”

Yejun stormed out of the class in anger.

I felt like I was reborn, that I finally found my savior. You were the angel I needed and you came to save me from this hell.

“I don’t like this place, let’s get out of here,” you said and I followed you.

We went to grab lunch but right behind the vending machines you got attacked. He called you a nerd, whatever he did, but I couldn’t stand it. I felt a force in me and I grabbed his neck, I squeezed until he couldn’t breathe anymore.

I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for you trying to get me off, I would have killed him.

Just as that guy run off, you freaked out. I didn’t blame you. Still, you took my arm and pulled me to somewhere more covered to talk to me, scared that someone else might have seen it. I could see the surprise in your eyes, but you didn’t look terrified, you were concerned if anything.

Your hand was still bleeding, the red liquid dripped to the floor. I stared at the droplets, slowly coloring the grey concrete, as if it was the ticking of a clock. At each tick, I was getting more impatient, there was something inside me that wanted to jump out, run after who hurt you, and make him pay for it. But I had to calm down, you were in front of me.

“Chaewon, what the hell!” you whisper-shouted while repeatedly glancing behind your back and into the hallway. “Where did that come from?”

“I-I don’t know what happened,” I stuttered. I was saying the truth—at the time, I truly didn’t know why I reacted in the way I did. I never raised my hands, I never talked back, I never reacted.

“Shit, I’m bleeding a lot,” you cursed. You gritted your teeth and started walking towards the school clinic. I followed you.

You talked to me as we were walking. “You don’t just choke people randomly, you know?”

“I- I really swear! I pro-promise… I have no idea what happened!”

“Listen, Chaewon, I saw you pinning his neck against the wall. You raised a senior with one hand.”

When we were in front of the nurse's office, you pinched your nose and waved your hand to stop me from talking. The cuff of your white shirt was stained with red, it already spread so much in just a short time. You must have been in pain. My blood was boiling.

“You can explain yourself later,” you said and opened the door. “I have to close this wound first.”

I followed you into the room. For some reason, the room was empty, there was no trace of the nurse and it looked like she hasn’t been there for a long time as everything was very tidy and the coat hanger was empty. Often, when people can avoid work, they’ll do it. The nurse must have seen that there was no one needing her in the morning and decided to leave for some coffee.

You sat on one of the beds, keeping your arm stretched out so the blood wouldn’t stain the sheets and with another hand, you searched into the cabinet for something you could help yourself with. You took out bandaids, alcohol, gauze and cotton buds. You really made a mess, trying to pour the alcohol on your arm and spilling half of the content on the floor.

After sloppily cleaning yourself with cotton, you got the bandaids.

“Do you really think bandaids will do?” I asked you. “It’s way too deep.”

“Is there any other way?”

“Yeah, we have to put stitches on you.” I took the chairs from the desk and sat in front of you. In the cabinet beside the bed, there were also needles and thread for that procedure. Luckily there was an anesthetic as well.

I put on gloves. I cleaned your wound again, better than you did before, and applied the anesthetic gel. It took about two minutes to take effect, in the meanwhile I prepared the rest of the equipment I needed: forceps, curved needle, and new thread.

When I was sure you didn’t feel anything, I started stitching your wound.

“How did you learn this?” you asked me so curiously.

“I… I got used to taking care of myself,” I said softly. It was embarrassing. You nodded. I could feel your eyes scan me, looking at all my bruises, the bandaids on my face, and many more wounds underneath my shirt.

You sighed. “I’m sorry. I hope they won’t attack you anymore. Always stay with me, they are scared of people who have a known name.”

“Thank you, but I don’t think it will do anything.”

“Just do as I say,” you repeated. I could see how sure you were from your face. You definitely didn’t see, as my face was facing the floor, but I smiled for the first time after you said that. Your desire of protecting me was honest. I was really happy that you cared for me.

When I came home, I had the time to think through what happened that day. As I was drinking a cup of water, I looked at myself in the reflection of the window, my fingers tracing my wounds and bruises, itching the dried blood on my nails. Where did that strength come from? I could have sworn they had taken every ounce of energy from me, I knew I had no will, no ambition, no desire to even talk back until today. And yet, I hurt him.

I felt good. It didn’t feel good to hurt him per se but to know I defended you. As to him, I should have killed him. But you stopped me. You shouldn’t have done that. He hurt you. That shabby gross fool tried to hurt you, how could he?!

I was so lucky to have caught you before it was late. I couldn’t imagine what would have happened to you if he succeeded—the bruises on your face, the blood on your face—you would have looked just like me. No, I couldn’t stand that. You didn’t deserve to go through the pain that I did, not after you defended me. Oh, if only I could lay my hand on those sinners, the pain I could inflict them, all the experiences that I felt inside my skin, into my very flesh.

I want to hear them scream. To beg for forgiveness. To regret their very existence. I want them to apologize to you, to offer their life…

Crack

I looked down at my hands. What a mess. I completely shattered the cup I was holding—bits of sharp glass everywhere, even some into my skin. The veins of my hand were bulging, I could feel the blood in my body flowing so fast and forcefully. The adrenaline was high in my brain.

I didn’t realize what I did until I heard the sudden noise.

It was true, just as you said. It wasn’t me. But why? This must have happened because I was thinking of you getting hurt… yes, it was your thought, just you. It was because of you. I didn’t want to see you hurt, you were my only hope in this world, just the thought sent a shock through my spine and into my head, and I would go crazy.

You made me like this.

Completely insane.

“Chaewon! What happened?” I heard Yujin calling me and I turned around to see her rushing out the hallway. Yujin was my roommate, we shared the rent because it was cheaper that way. She wasn’t a bad person, not at all. But she couldn’t understand my life, she lived between rich girls and handsome guys.

To be kind, you need to know what misery is. She was just nice.

“Oh, Kirin-chan,” I said.

“How did you break your glass?” she asked worryingly, grabbing a towel to clean my bloody hand of the bits of glass.

“My bad, I was standing up and it just slipped out of my hand.”

“Then how did it get all over your palm?”

“I slipped and fell right onto it, you know how clumsy I am.”

“Yeah,” she commented without much belief, “just like all the time you come home with bruises on your face.”

“It isn’t my fault if they don’t put warnings after cleaning the stairs.”

“It isn’t your fault,” she repeated. “Anyways, don’t forget to clean it up, I’ll go back to studying,” she ended, turning around and leaving the lounge to return to her prettier room.

I continued to stare at my hand.

I couldn’t help but think about you again… my head got foggy… my thoughts haunting…

What if they scarred you?

What if they bullied you?

What if girls broke your heart?

What if you were friends with the wrong people?

I knew I was crossing a line when those questions took form but it was too late and I didn’t even care anymore. It was a promise I made myself, to protect who I loved, and I swore I wouldn’t fail again. I would protect you forever, no matter what.

I feared that you’d run away from me but instead, we got way closer than before. When I walked into school the day after the incident, I was genuinely scared I wouldn’t have seen you—that you had stayed at home, that you changed class or even school. What worried me the most was the fact that you could have been scared of me.

I waited for you anxiously. I kept scratching my nails, rubbing my arms, looking around for you. So many times I got up and walked around the paths outside the school where I thought you’d usually walk, even if I didn’t know well what were your habits, and not finding you, I’d sit back at the wall and wait again.

After several minutes, you arrived at school. At the sight of you, my dizziness and worries faded away. I immediately ran at you and hugged you so tight, you had to know how much I missed you.

You were surprised, of course, you were. “Huh? What has gotten into you Chaewon?” you laughed jokingly.

“I just thought you wouldn’t come to school anymore,” I told you.

“Why would I do that? Today is a school day.”

“It’s okay, that’s perfect. I’m just so glad I can see you again.”

Part 3

The door opened to the locker room and I and the other trainees entered sitting down. They changed their clothes from casual streetwear to old clothes and gym wear. I’ve been training for a bit now, I got to know all the trainees well, there were a lot before but now they only remained half. The one that finished first started stretching. "It's one minute and a half. Let's do this," she sighed.

One of them threw to the other a white sheet with a name written on it and did the same with the others. "Here. Your name tags."

"That's it? Just a minute?" the girl chuckled.

"A minute and a half. Everyone does their part and it's a difficult choreography, don't you forget. It will be enough."

"It's for evaluation. Don't forget every detail counts," another girl added.

We went out of the room and made our way toward the practice room, each one with a name tag on it. The corridor leading to it was cold, probably because they just changed from thick to thin clothes, but it got hotter towards the end where the air got denser. One at a time, they entered bowing at the line of men sitting on the right of the mirror in front of the door.

Everyone had papers and a pen and a serious look plastered on their faces. After a couple of stretches, the girls got into position and the music started. They smiled and danced with their full capability and the judges looked sharp. When the music stopped they held their ending pose and went in a line waiting for their words. The air suddenly felt cold.

"There had been improvements on what we said the first time. But we can also fix others," the first said and the men nodded. They wrote on the paper and scribbled.

"You. When the others did their move you were coordinated and that's fine but you did it wrong. You need to raise your hand higher," he said making the move himself and the girl followed.

"Can you do the move a bit before the ending?" another one asked, gesturing his intention. "Yes, that one. Please get into the position and do it."

They did and when it came to the next section he spoke again, "One more time."

"Once more."

"Five...six.. seven... eight... an-"

"Okay," he said and got up walking to the center of the room. He demonstrated the move more and more times. "Don't tense your muscles too much when you do this alright?"

"But," the oldest got up, "you were all a lot better today, good job. Specially Soojin and Gaeul."

"That's it, goodbye," they said.

"Thank you!" the girls answered together.

BLAM. The oldest almost slips as he got out and the others held him up. The girls let out a muffled laugh, their mouths covered with their hands."See girls, don't tense your muscles too much or they won't work properly," the man chuckled. The judges left fast, embarrassed by their eldest and the group laughed in relief.

"Are we really doing this? They are not saying anything anymore."

The youngest looked at them from the ground, laid down breathing hard, and said, "We're close to debuting."

When everyone was done with their stuff and cleaned themselves they left. Almost all of them ran out to catch the last bus of the day or were just in a hurry. I, on the other hand, had to walk home so I did everything slower. When I got out, in the distance, I heard a group of girls around my age shouting and laughing. When they got closer, I realized they were my classmates, there were about four of them and they were drunk.

They noticed me.

"Look at you. It's late, pretty girls like you shouldn't stay out," one of them said and I frowned.

"Don't tell me. You were practicing?" she said laughing. The other three got in a semi-circle in front of me.

"It's a really difficult life isn't it, miss idol? Everybody wants you and you're here dancing until late," she mocked me, with her fingers under her eyes faking tears, and let out a hearty laugh. The choir followed with a carol of joy.

"It's sad really," she continued, "so popular but so tired."

She pushed me down on the ground and the group stepped back making more space for the two. She forcefully pulled my hair, forcing me to get up. The girl got closer and said, "And you're so pretty. It would be a shame if anything happened to this pretty face."

She slapped me. They laughed. They kicked me. I tried to defend myself, curling into a fetus position and protecting my head. They snickered as they continued wasting the effects of the alcohol on me. When they were finally satisfied, they got up and left me there on the side of the road and went away to the opposite way of where they came from.

I remained on the ground with tears on her face and sobbed trying not to make any noise, I wanted silence. However I heard their voices again, from the distance, and they were screaming.

"What do you think you're doing?!" the same girl as before squealed."We're girls, you think you can-." The group gasped.

"You're five and I'm one and you just beat that girl up. You think I care?" It was a male voice.

The girls ran away but the guy didn't try to chase them and walked to me.

"There's a convenience store nearby, we can get something cold for your face," he said with a soft tone. I recognized the voice and looked at him, I recognized his face too. It was you. My legs trembled a little as I held myself upon your shoulder for support. "It's fine, take your time," you said dusting my back.

At the shop, you bought a bag of frozen peas so I could put it on my face where it still hurts. "I ate those for dinner, they're great. I can use them for everything, look, you're using them too now," you said and I laughed. I calmed down a little and your face got more serious and worried.

"I told you. Starting from tomorrow I'll bring you home," you said.

"But it was only this time," I said.

"And the other four before."

"Kind of."

"Being there by 11:30 should be good."

"But you should sleep."

"I would just be studying, and either way, it's way better to have your company," you insisted, leaning down on the chair. A small smile formed on my face. Ever since that day, the two always walked home late at night even when it was freezing or when it was raining. We got way closer.

You grew up so well. Unfortunately, many girls seemed to notice you and fall for you. I don’t blame them, you were very charming, so attractive for such a young student but I couldn’t let them near you. They were fools, too stupid to realize they were nowhere close to your level, you were levels above and they were just insects. I had to make sure no one bothered you, to avoid you crying because some worthless bitch broke your heart.

I was surprised when you told me you got asked out. But then I felt my chest burn.

There’s only one thing that I can’t stand in this world and that’s people who think they can take what’s mine. I don’t care about gossip, jealousy or envy, I don’t have anyone to compete with, I just want what’s mine. And you are mine.

It was so easy to scare them away. All it took was a quick talk behind the school, a very convincing speech, a cutter to their throats…

They were scared of me. Good. You didn’t suspect anything—they’d still smile at me as if nothing happened, I made sure to tell them. I couldn’t let you know, to worry more than you already were.

The bullying had completely stopped towards me because you were always by my side defending me and eventually they all got the message. If you were just a crush before, now I love you. If I loved you, now I worship you. You’re my religion, my god, my purpose. I’ll kill for you, live for you, and I’ll love you forever. Wherever you go, I’ll follow you. Whether that’s heaven, hell, or any other world. My very existence is embroidered into your name, I can’t exist without you.

Things were going great, so great. You only had eyes for me. Those two beautiful pupils could only look at me, at my face, at my body, only at me. I loved when you stared at me, I was yours after all, you could watch how much you wanted.

That was until those two eyes became one. You got a big bruise on your left eye, it was swollen, black, and horrible.

You were waiting for me near the big tree behind the school like you always did, and you talked to me like you always did, without worry or pain. “Hey, Chaewon,” you greeted me.

“What happened?!”

“Nothing, I just hurt myself,” you lied. How naive you were, you were too kind, too nice. I didn’t believe you one single bit. I wonder why you did that? Why did you lie to me? Was it to protect whoever did that to you? To protect who hurt you?

“Tell me. Tell me, who hurt you?” I asked you calmly.

“It’s really nothing Chae… I’m serious, I only hurt myself—”

“TELL ME WHO THE HELL HURT YOU RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!” I asked again, the sudden increase in volume startled you and you backed away into the tree. I didn’t know at the time, and you’d tell me later, but my eyes were empty. You got scared, I apologize, I just couldn’t help it.

“Ch-Chaewon?” you stuttered.

When I realized you were terrified, I calmed down. “Huh? Oh, my bad, sorry… I was just really worried, but now, please tell me.” I shook my head and took a couple of steps back.

“Okay, I will tell you… it was Seojun,” you finally confessed. “I bumped into him and spilled his drink on his uniform. I apologized, but since I was alone and his ‘friends’ were with him, they thought they could get their revenge on me.”

“I see… let’s get you some ice for that eye for now,” I told you and we started to walk into the infirmary for the second time. I hated walking into that place, especially with you. I tried my best to hold it inside me, not to scare you again, but I was going to snap anytime soon.

“Chae, are you alright?” you asked me.

“Oh, don’t worry about me, dear… and it will okay from now on. You don’t have to worry about Seojun anymore.”

You know, people say that the first time is special, you never forget it. The first time I bathed my hands in the warm liquid that is human blood, my body was cold. I felt hesitation at first, but I knew I was doing it for you, and thinking about you, all that fear was gone. And I killed him.

Yes, it was me that killed Seojun. I don’t regret one bit what I’ve done to him. I made sure he suffered as much as he made you suffer. An eye for an eye, as they say.

That day was special, it was like I confessed to you and instead of a ring, I gave you a life. It was only fair you’d give me your life in return.

The murder of Seojun made headlines in the news and when asked about it, the students never said anything nor praised or acted sad at his death. No one missed him. It’s quite sad that life can be so insignificant that not a single person will care about how gruesome your death was and forget you the next day. To be quite honest, he deserved it. We die in the same way we live.

You were a bit suspicious of me at first. You didn’t really doubt me—you were curious. The news of his death was delivered by our professor during the first period with a sigh before continuing the lesson. The reactions were mixed but mostly towards one extreme: relief.

When a bad person dies, two things will happen: if you’re a good person or a victim, you will be happy; if you’re equally bad then you’ll be scared, because you know he already got what he deserved and nothing prevented you from having the same fate as nothing is stronger than luck.

You were both worried and glad. I’ve always noticed how you tend to care about other people, it’s something that I really love about you, you just have to direct toward the people who deserve it. “Hey, Chae, do you know anything about Seojun’s murder?” you asked me during the break. You were hesitant at first but I was sure you’ve thought about it long enough to decide to spill it.

You must have thought about what I said the other day: You don’t have to worry about Seojun anymore.

“Huh?” I raised my eyebrow at you. “Why would I have anything to do with his death?”

“W-well… you see… you said that I didn’t have to worry about him anymore and the next day… he dies.” Your shoulders were so tight almost as if you were trying to keep the words inside of you. Your gaze flitted around the room, never settling on one person or object for long.

“It must have been a coincidence,” I told you. “And karma.”

“Right,” you muttered. Then you relaxed your shoulders.

“By the way,” I changed the topic, “there is going to be the last test before the debut at Hybe.”

Your eyes changed completely, they brightened. Every time I talked about my dream, you always seemed too excited for me. You fully believed in my ambition and constantly encouraged me to keep trying. Whenever I practiced, I always thought of you.

I always think of you.

“That’s awesome, Chae. It’s your opportunity, you wanted to become an idol all this time.”

“I will start practicing right away then,” I said. “I want to be with you that day. Can you come with me?”

“What day will it be?”

“Next Saturday, 4:00 pm.”

“Next Saturday… 4:00 pm,” you repeated. “I’ll make sure to be there—I will be there, I will.”

“Thank you,” I smiled and hugged you. You were still a bit against the idea of hugging but slowly you were getting used to it. I trusted that you’ll eventually come to love it.

I had prepared about four songs for the test: two for my singing and two for my dancing, one of them was good for both. I decided to be very broad with my songs because if they asked for more, I’d be prepared. You never know. I didn’t want to go there and have them ask for a random song and fail horribly.

You were waiting for me in front of the building with a little bag of snacks. I mentioned all of them before to you and you remembered. Some of them were for when I’d finish the whole thing and some as a snack to calm my nerves.

Honestly, I felt like you were my boyfriend already. If anyone saw us together, they’d say the same thing. Every little thing you did was so full of attention, I knew you cared for me, and I loved you so much.

Anyways, the time came. I bid you goodbye and entered.

The test went terribly wrong.

You waited two hours for me, only for me to blow it all up. When I came out, I was so embarrassed, I didn’t want you to see me at all.

“So Chae, how was it?” you asked but I didn’t reply. It was hard to come up with any word at all. I couldn’t even look at you in the eyes.

“Chae?”

“Chaewon?”

You finally got enough at the third time and you grabbed my shoulder to shake and direct my gaze at you. “Chaewon, answer me please!” you said with an upset tone.

“Do you… do you think I’m a failure?”

“What are you talking about?” you asked back.

“Hey, am I a failure? Tell me. Were the guys right? I am not meant to be an idol after all, should I give up after all? Tell me, please!” I hiccuped and cried. I was truly heartbroken. It was the test per se but the fact that I disappointed you, that I wasted all your determination and belief you had in me.

“Chaewon, no…” you whispered and went for a hug. It was awkward, you didn’t know how to hug. You tried to put a hand on my shoulder and one on my hip, but it didn’t work. Then you tried to put both of them on my shoulder but you looked like you wanted to headbut me. On the third try, you succeeded and properly hugged me very tightly.

I buried my head into your chest, it was where I could really feel safe.

“Chaewon, what happened in there? How did it go?”

“I FAILED! I BLEW IT ALL UP! IT’S ALL GONE!” I yelled and gripped you harder.

“How is that possible? You’re perfect, I mean, you sing so beautifully and you’re beautiful,” you said. “You’ve been practicing… why? How?”

“I’m sorry it’s that I was so worried. I got distracted. I continued to ask myself if I’d fail and so on… I knew the lyrics but I got jittery and…”

“No, Chaewon! I told you to believe in yourself. You can do it. You can do it.”

“But—”

“You have talent, Chae,” you repeated, “and I’ve seen it since day one. You will not fail. You just have to try again.”

I was embarrassed to see if I could try again but you weren’t and you stormed inside the building, dragging me by arm to ask the staff if I could try again. You explained everything and even pleaded with them until they gave in.

This time, you were waiting for me outside the door. I knew I wouldn’t fail again.

Don’t think about anything else. Focus.

I sang the first song. Just like I practiced. Then I danced. It was perfect.

I passed. I was so happy and I just had to tell you. I ran outside but you weren’t there.

I searched everywhere until I understood you weren’t in the building and had to search for you outside. I found you in an alley, bloody and bruised.

I immediately called the ambulance and they rushed you to the hospital. Your condition was so bad they had to x-ray your whole body and do a small surgery.

When I found you, you could barely talk or even breathe. You were laying in a pool of blood, that came from the numerous cuts all over your body—they weren’t clean but all rough and jacked, meaning they came from brute force and not blades. Your clothes were also messed up and ripped. Together, I could count on 19 injuries at least. I couldn’t understand at all. Why would someone do that to you? And how did it happen?

Together with you was a bag with two drinks and a couple of sandwiches. I suppose you went outside to a convenience store to buy something, maybe for me, and then… you were attacked. This may have been premeditated, it’s impossible a group of people randomly hurt you that bad.

I couldn’t stop crying, you know?

To see you in those conditions, I could only think of the worse.

What if you’d never wake up again?

What if you’d be miserable for the rest of your life?

What if you died?

It was my fault. I’m sorry, it was totally my fault. It was because I took way too long in the test, chatting with the staff, seeing the other girls so happily, while you were being jumped… I could have protected you, we could have gone home together and this would have never happened.

The doctor called me. “Kim Chaewon?”

“Yes?” I raised my eyes. I saw him and wiped my tears before standing up and walking to him.

“Is he okay…?” I asked.

“He’s not in danger is what I can tell you. Some of his bones are broken and he has received a concussion, he may be asleep for a while, you see,” he said.

“Can I see him?”

“Yes, you can,” the doctor agreed, “this way…”

He guided me toward another floor of the hospital. You have been transferred from the emergency room to the patient’s rooms. You were in the section where more care was needed—the hallway was quieter, everyone walked slower, and everything was more gentle.

I entered your room slowly, holding myself up with a hand on the door frame and then I saw you. Your eyes were closed. Your whole body was covered in bandages and you were hooked to all sorts of machines with cables and cords everywhere. It was almost like seeing a puppet tied up in strings and they were keeping you alive.

I was scared to come close to you. I feared that any of my movements could have damaged you even more. You were so fragile at that moment.

I gently lowered myself to the chair next to your bed and held your hand. I cried. I cried again, so much. I couldn’t help but keep thinking it was my fault. If only I was quicker…

Some of your items were put in the drawer. I noticed your phone together with your wallet and backpack. The screen was cracked and some of the blood crusted into the cracks. I don’t know why I felt curious but I unlocked the screen—you trusted me enough to let me know your password months ago to check some messages while you were busy cooking—and it opened KakaoTalk. You were texting me and the phone memorized it.

Chae be careful the bullies might be after you

Don’t go in the shortcut at the

Oh, dear. You were on the brink of death and all you could think was to warn me, to protect me. You didn’t even think of calling for help. I understood everything. It was those bullies again… they didn’t forget, did they? It’s because their life turned to hell after they didn’t have anyone to bully anymore and they got revenge but attacking you.

I was angry. I was furious. I was so pissed that I unconsciously cracked your phone even more. It was that feeling again, all over—the fire in my chest.

I will kill them. Each one of the. I will make them suffer. I will tear them to shreds. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them. I will kill them.

I will make them pay for everything they have done for you.

They were so stupid. It was so easy to trick them: I attacked their leader when he was coming home late and forced him to send a message to everyone who was involved in your attack—he confessed right away when I showed him my knife.

The guys came on point the next day. It was all so easy. They always hung out at the abandoned warehouse where they could make all the mess they wanted and dragged their victims to torture them properly and in private. Now they were dragging themselves to their death.

I dressed in black that day. You never liked seeing me in black. People used to tell me I tried to stand out too much so they forced me to use torn, old, ugly clothes, but when they stopped tormenting me, you brought me to buy more clothes for me.

But that day I wasn’t dressing as the victim. I was in the guise of the Grim Reaper.

I prepared my knives, axes, clamps, nails, and staplers and waited for them in the building.

Humans are so easy to kill. They are so frail and mortal—I had to be extremely careful not to let them die immediately to cause them all the pain they deserved. I’ll spare you the details. You don’t have to know of the gruesome parts of their murder. I’ll just tell you everything they did to you and in their years of bullying, I did to them. From crowbars to knives, to fire and stabbing.

When the last one stopped screaming, I felt at peace. The silence was absolute. I couldn’t even hear the wind, the cars, or the noises of the city. It was completely quiet.

I finally avenged you.

Part 4

Disposing of the bodies was quite simple but extremely tiring. I had to chop their bodies to bits, bury them and hide all the evidence. I cleaned with bleach all my weapons, the floor, and the walls of the warehouse. I had to soil the floor since it was dirty before and I couldn’t leave a clean patch in there, it would have been a dead giveaway.

Of course, I had to get rid of all their phones. I broke them into little pieces before grinding them up to a bag of dust and flushing them down the toilet.

I got most of my weapons from around the city. I stole the knives from the school kitchen and returned them to them. I did the crime on a Friday night and finished in the evening of Saturday so they wouldn’t have noticed the disappearance of their tools. I bought the rest of the tools from a hardware store so I could have just put it in someone else’s garage.

I couldn’t burn my clothes or rags because that would have caught the attention of my neighbors or anyone nearby so I colored it with all sorts of paints so the blood would have been unrecognizable. If anyone analyzed them, it would look like they were of an artist. And then I disposed of them.

Burying the bodies was the most laborious part and I could only do it during the night. It took me both Saturday and sunday to get rid of all the evidence.

The next days were all marked by nightmares. I didn’t dream of what I did. What haunted me was you leaving me. I was afraid that my crime could have separated us.

Chaewon, you’re a monster.

I can’t be friends with a murderer.

I can’t love a killer.

I hate you.

I wish you died.

I was distressed and jittery during the day and couldn’t sleep at night. Many times I would get distracted in those thoughts, imagining all the things you could say to me, and not realize people calling me. I would often zone out and not hear anything else.

“Chaewon? Are you okay?” my classmates would tell me. I would snap out of my daze and realize most of them were looking at me then I’d realize I actually chipped a corner of the table off with my grip.

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s nothing,” I could only say. They would continue with the day forgetting about it or just tell their friends excitedly about a classmate with a freakish strength.

It was especially hard when I was training with the other trainees but I told myself you wouldn’t be proud of me if I wasn’t doing my best and forced myself to dance.

On Monday, their disappearance was announced but nobody could find anything. Not a single trace. The secret was safe with me.

They also announced your attack but they didn’t connect the two events together, assuming you were also a victim. The attacks in this Korea were common anyways. Bullying was so widespread you could say it was part of our culture.

After a week. you were still asleep. The doctor concluded that they must have stomped your head too for you to be concussed that badly. They damaged the nerves.

Unfortunately, I knew only after I killed them. If I knew I would have done the same to them so they could feel the pain you felt but I guess cutting their limbs counts as nerve damage as well.

I was getting extremely impatient waiting for your awakening. The doctor couldn’t help me but it wasn’t their fault. I’ve only realized now how much I relied on you and those days without you were as sad as Halloween without candies.

When I woke up, I couldn’t tell if the Sun rose already or if it was still sunrise, it was timid, and the light cast a somber hue in the room. It was gray and pale. The soundscape was eerily quiet, the usual chirping birds seemed to have disappeared, as if even nature was mourning alongside me.

Walking through the corridors of the school, I felt like a solitary figure amidst a sea of faces. Conversations echoed around me, yet they seemed distant. The classrooms, usually alive with energy, felt suffocatingly silent.

I couldn’t help but notice how happy the other students went on with their days, completely ignoring what happened to you. Worst of all, some students even mocked you, saying you were a loser and you deserved it. My bloodthirst was beyond the roof. I had to hold myself back a lot not to commit other killings, reminding myself that I could have raised a case of a serial killer if I wasn’t careful enough.

I thought I had been sneaky enough not to raise any suspicion but I didn’t know the only person to find out would have been you.

I was in an alley near the hospital when I met one of those mean girls. They were badmouthing you and I had to make sure they wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t kill them, you don’t have to worry about that. I merely sent a message, a little punishment. I got one nail for each insult they said toward you. Poor them, they won’t have nails for months—I hope it hurts.

They ran away but when I turned around, I saw you. You were looking at me so horrified and disgusted.

“I had my suspicions, Chae…” you said. “The coincidence was too perfect. I woke up and saw the news, I knew it was you. And now, I’m sure.”

“You’re mistaken, dear,” I tried to say foolishly.

“Chae, I saw everything.” Your face morphed into an extreme melancholy, of disappointment and sadness. My face instead contorted into a horrified frown. You… my best and only friend, my love. You discovered my worse secret—I knew what the consequences were and I knew what the risks were.

“I mean, what are you even doing here? Weren’t you still sleeping?”

“I woke up this morning—I got discharged—and the doctor let me take a walk… and then I saw you.”

“Do you know what I did all of this, darling?” I asked, my nerves were so tense and my blood was pumping like crazy. I was getting more and more scared. There was a thread inside me that was being pulled and pulled…

“W-what is it?” you asked with hesitation.

“It’s because… I… I love you.”

I saw the shock on your face but I couldn’t stop myself anymore. I did it. I snapped. You found out and there was no turning back. You didn’t have a choice either.

“W-what? What are you saying?”

“Darling, don’t you get it? I love you so so so so so much. I love you so much—to the point I killed for you. Yes, I did kill them. I murdered them. I slaughtered them. I made them suffer, love, the way they made you suffer… Please! Please understand—I’m doing this because I love you.”

“Chae, you’re scaring me. Stop…”

“Oh, don’t be scared, my love. I would never harm you or kill you… I would only cherish you—in fact, I did all of this to protect you from those bastards! I love you with all of my heart.”

That fire inside of me took over again and this time I was already glued to you, my knee under your thigh, pinning you to the wall, a hand on your cheek and one near your waist. You couldn’t move at all, I wouldn’t let you. I was finally this close to you… your skin was so smooth and soft—just like you, my precious baby.

Maybe I was smiling a bit too much. You’d describe to me later that I looked psychotic, yes, I was crazy.

You didn’t know how to react. I admit, you were so cute—so vulnerable and fragile, just at my mercy. Yet, you dared to take and push my hand away from your face.

“Chae, I’m sorry,” you said and it almost broke my heart, “but I just… I-I- I don’t know…” you said.

“What aren’t you sure about? Is it my love? Is it not clear enough?” I asked. “I’ll do anything for you, just ask me.”

“Please stay away from me,” you replied, “for a while.”

“What are you saying, darling?”

“Chae… you’re my best friend and I understand why you did all of that. I do. But I need to think about it. Don’t worry, I won’t say this to anyone, no one at all, but I need to stay alone for a bit,” you pleaded, “I just recovered too.”

“Okay, fine,” I agreed. You were right. It was a bit too much for you, especially after you just woke up from that concrete hospital bed. Also, I knew I could trust you. You never betrayed me so that did not scare me.

You slowly backed away and left me, alone in the alley.

I don’t know why but I started laughing hysterically.

I thought I messed up a lot. That isn’t the way your lover should look at you, right? Terrified and pleading on the verge of tears. You should have looked at me lovingly. I was so scared you’d leave me and I couldn’t let you do that. I needed you too much.

But then you left me waiting for almost a month. I respected your choice and didn’t contact you at all but it’s been too long. I figured that knowing I killed tormented you so I didn’t touch anyone else but rather I kept it to simply threatening them verbally and that seemed to work.

You have to understand I couldn’t take it anymore. Looking at your pictures every night wasn’t enough. Listening to your voice from the vocal messages wasn’t enough. Smelling the shirts I stole from you wasn’t enough, and the smell was fading away. My imagination wasn’t enough, especially when I knew I could have you and I was just waiting for the right moment.

Then the right moment came. I sent you a message just to let you know, you couldn’t say no. I went right to your house, which I came over to many times already, and even your mother knew me. She let me inside with a smile, she was so kind. I knew where you got that virtue from.

I heard you running frantically around your room. You must have been dressing up, so I waited until you were done, knocked, and opened the door. Your room smelled just like I remembered it, it was so good, it was just you.

“It’s been a while, Chae,” you said, clearly nervous. “How are you doing?”

“I’m doing terrible, honey,” I answered honestly and you gulped. “You know, I’ve been good to you. I waited and did nothing else. I did not kill or hurt anyone. I let you have your space, then why did you disappear for an entire month?”

“I kept thinking and reflecting on what happened…”

“For a month?” I was furious. “Did you try to make me forget you? Did you try to forget me?”

“It’s that… It has been a tough month,” you said. “My best friend murdered 6 people, or more… How could I go back to what we were before? You killed… humans.”

“So? They didn’t deserve to live anyways. I did it for you.”

“No, Chae—”

“They beat you up so badly you couldn’t even walk!” I snapped. “They badmouthed you, they laughed at you and… why are you defending them?!”

“Yes, but you took their lives.”

“They were going to take your life too! Don’t you get it?”

“Chae, please—”

“No! Shut up! I can’t take this anymore! I can’t forgive them. They’re always making fun of you, beating you up, torturing you—just because you’re my friend! But you keep shoving it away and get hurt for me… I- I…”

I hugged you. I had to hold onto something and you were the only one that could have helped me stand up. All those years… I was so pent up, I was so tired of it. I know you told me many times to let it be but I can’t. Sorry, I just can’t help it. I can’t let anyone walk away after they hurt you, even if it’s something as little as pinching you, because you mean too much to me.

“Darling, I love you!” I sobbed and pleaded onto your chest, bathed by my tears, “I missed you so much. If I don’t see you even for a day, it starts to hurt, you know? I’ll do anything to stay with you, anything! Just tell me! I want to see you every day, I can’t let you leave like this…”

“If it’s like this,” you started, “we can make a deal.”

“A-a deal? Really?”

“Yes, a deal. You can see me how much you want but absolutely no killing. No physical assault and no insults to anyone.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes, you just have to restrain yourself.”

“Very well. Then, I promise, I will never kill again, I swear. Does that mean I can see you every day?” I asked. My tears finally stopped pouring out, the hiccup was still there, but I could focus and talk to you properly now. I took a deep breath and spoke, “Then you have to be my boyfriend from now on.”

“What did you just say?” you asked with confusion.

“You can’t say no. You are my boyfriend now. You know already, I told you so many times. I love you with all of myself.”

I knew you liked me a little already. I wasn’t sure if it was as strong as my love for you was, although I doubt it can, I knew you were interested in me. No one would stick with me for that long and no one would defend me from all those bullies. I knew you loved me, of course you did, you always took care of me since our first day and I couldn’t help but fall for you too.

I tried my best to change my appearance to suit your ideal type more. I dressed better, I dieted, I worked out, and I practiced so much that I wouldn’t disappoint you.

“Chae, are you sure? I’m just a regular guy and you’re an idol…”

“Don’t lie to yourself, honey. I wouldn’t give myself to just anyone. You never laughed about me, you believed in me when nobody else did, and you infected me with your kindness and humanity. You’re the best man I can ask for.”

“Thank you…”

“You’ll be my boyfriend and I’ll be your girlfriend, okay? Do you accept?”

“Uhm…”

“Do you accept?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Ma’am?” I laughed. “Don’t tell me you have some weird fetish going on… It’s okay. Just tell me, I won’t mind, hehe.”

Part 5

You have been very strict with me. The first thing you did was to establish a set of rules and all the punishment that would have resulted in breaking them. You’ve been very clear in defining them and made sure I understood you were very serious about it and would absolutely punish me if I dared to not respect them. They were something along the line of:

NO KILLING. The punishment is an instant break-up.

NO BODY HARM to anyone. The punishment is no contact for two weeks.

NO KIDNAPPING/STALKING/THREATENING other people. The punishment is no skin touching for a week.

RESPECT YOU. We’re together in this relationship and I have to listen to you.

TRUST YOU. You'll leave me if I don’t trust you when you tell me you aren’t cheating.

I accepted them and we started dating. Our relationship was as good as it was before but this time I got to be as clingy as I wanted, hugging you as much as I wanted, holding your hand wherever we went, and most of all you gave me a lot of head pats. You always gave me head pats to congratulate me when I did well in school or had a good performance.

It was difficult to respect those rules and you showed me how convinced you were of them when I broke the hand of a guy who shoved you against the lockers. You really ghosted me for two weeks without saying anything. When they ended I couldn’t help but jump on you and I promised to be more careful. Since then, I didn’t break any other rules and you showed me your love in so many ways, I lost count of them.

We learned a lot about each other and helped each other all the time. You helped me be more confident with my skills and get angry (but you told me I was cute when I got mad). You were always a bit discouraged with your work, giving up easily, and I made sure you knew how great you were. Just like me, school has really made you more insecure about yourself, but when we were together, we achieved a lot more.

Recently I discovered a hidden diary you used to keep under your bed, between the mattress and the frame. The last thing you wrote was months ago, way before the incident, and it was you rambling about me. ABOUT ME! And it was so adorable. “I have the biggest crush on my friend!” You wrote on the last page.

I stared at the words in a daze, it was like the words were screaming in my face. I was used to only obsessing over you and knowing you were going through the same thing warmed my heart.

You know, I’ve never believed in good endings, but with you, I think I finally found one where we are the protagonists. Our story is not like a fairy tale, it’s far from perfect, I am not a princess, nor could ever be one. However, you made me feel like one and I’m more than sure you’re my prince.

Sorry if I am always so obsessive and so imperfect, I just can’t help it.

THE END

Written, 7 June - 27 June 2023

#yandere #yanderekpop #yanderekpopgg #kpop #lesserafim #chaewon #chaewon yandere #angst

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blankwashed · 1 month

Text

Content Warnings: 18+ stuff here, ddlg (daddy dom, little girl), broken family, pretty rough sex, Toji himself should be a warning-

You let out a big sigh. It was probably the hardest or easiest essay you have ever gotten academically. It was an easy question for the rest of your classmates as they were happily writing away about their parents or guardians, thinking about the happy holidays and birthdays that they have received throughout their life.

15 minutes have passed and your paper was still blank, without even a paragraph structure. What could you write about your father? Sure, he wasn’t your actual father per se but your mother married him ever since you were a child so that counts, right?

At the age of 6, your mom kept going out on Friday nights, leaving you to be taken care of by your aunts and uncles. She would leave until it was Sunday night when she picks you up and brings you home. In the mind of a little child, you figured she went out for work purposes but in reality, she was going on dates with a special man whom you would eventually call dad.

Sometimes, she leaves you at home with food already prepared and brings him over. Of course, she would place your toys around the television and goes into the bedroom with the man. As you were innocent, you thought that they were both talking about business as your mother always looks pleased whenever she comes out of the room. A little tired, but a smile on her face.

This went on for 2 years until she came to you saying that you’ll finally have a father figure in your life. Of course, he was your father. The striking, muscular, tall man built like a soldier. Sometimes he made your heart beat faster and louder when he was around the home minding his own business. He watched you grow up into the gorgeous and pretty girl you are now. Attending teacher-parent meetings when necessary, signing documents and being your personal chauffeur whenever you and your friends wanted to go for outings to malls.

Behind all of that, you kept a deep and dark secret from everyone. Something you would not even tell your best friend or even a fly.

“Nyah! Daddy, sore from P.E. class yesterday! My teacher asked us to run laps and I think I overdid myself-“

He thrusted himself deeper into your dry pussy while his fingers were forming quick circles around your clitoris.

Sure, he filled the gap in your mom’s life when your actual dad left. But that wasn’t the only thing he was filling. Toji isn’t blind or stupid. Maybe a little out of his mind but as a man, he watched you grow up. Breasts forming, hips enlarging. It would be a lie if you say you didn’t secretly touched yourself thinking about him.

“No buts, bitch. Today was a hard day at work and the only thing that could make my day is your tight pussy. Mmm, thankfully it’s still tight,,,,,” He pushed himself deeper multiple times while playing with your clit. You were in pain due to the lack of foreplay and you remembered an idea you had in school during Arts class.

It was always something you’ve wanted to try. Running towards your school bag, rummaging through all your utensils.

Found it. A thick flowy strip of red ribbon.

“C‘mere daddy, let me decorate you before I feast on you,” smirking while tying a beautiful ribbon around his leaking hard cock. “Look daddy! It’s giving me a reward for making it look so appealing~” you said, referring to the trickles of pre-cum dripping.

Toji was about x years older than you. This wasn’t the first time he saw a chick gawking (no pun intended) at his length. Obviously that was also the way your own mother knew that he was the man for her.

“Getting creative, are we? Let daddy reward you for giving our play-time a little more effort,” he says lowly while playing with your left nipple with his tongue. His big hands always perform wonders on the rest of your body while his prize winning cock was busy elsewhere on your body.

Your moans were and are melodies to his ears. You weren’t big on being able to form sentences while getting fucked silly, however…

“Please daddy! I-I’m your little dirty slut, make me come daddy! I need it, I NEED you! Daddy…” you tried to touch your clit with your fingers but they were swatted away by his hand.

“When has it ever been about what you want, toy?” he spit on your pussy, and started to rub vigorously. It was in no way pleasurable and it hurt.

You knew he was doing this on purpose and knew that it wouldn’t get better if you kept disobeying his commands. With both your mom and Megumi away, he made you sit on the family’s dining table. Pushing away everything that could be in the way of him and you.

He pushed you down, readying himself to slurp on his wet, awaiting treasure. You were still a mess, moaning and screaming his name. “Daddy please, don’t make me wait any longer, please daddy,,,” your toes start curling and you could feel the long awaited climax reaching.

“Cumming daddy!!! Shit, I fucking love you-“ you screamed as you came while holding onto his broad shoulders. Your mind was as if it was in a different world, a world where Toji, your step-dad was yours. Where you didn’t have to hide your feelings towards him and you could touch him romantically and sexually in public.

so fucking horny for toji, are we???? (we as in me)

#toji smut #toji fushiguro #toji zenin #jjk smut #fics #help #im having semester break but i just want toji to help me ace my classes #daddy toji #smut #toji x reader

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suratan-zir · 7 months

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rambling about language, rats and dreams..?

Recently, for the first time in two years, I had to speak Russian. I had to remember how to speak Russian, or rather how to write in Russian. The things I do for love for my rats...

explanation for those who doesn't know me too well: I was born and raised in the eastern Ukraine (the so-called Donbas), in a Russian-speaking environment. Studied in the "Russian" school, which means that all subjects, except for Ukrainian language and literature, are taught in Russian. Everyone around me spoke Russian. People there can understand and speak Ukrainian, obviously, as everyone in Ukraine does. But it's not used in everyday life, due to the years of russification.

Then, as soon as we moved from Russian-occupied Donetsk, a few months before the invasion, we (my husband and I) completely switched to Ukrainian. We didn't want to have anything in common with those people. (and after the invasion, many Ukrainians also made this choice)

Anyway, one of my rats, Krobus, has a disease unknown to mankind. In all the years of keeping rats, I have never been in such a situation. Something makes it difficult for him to breathe through his nose, yet it is not a respiratory infection. His lungs are fine, he doesn't sneeze too much, doesn't have a runny nose etc. No antibiotics, nebulizer inhalations and even corticosteroids have any effect whatsoever. Vets specializing in rodents don't know what to do. Most likely, it's some kind of growths in the nasal passages.

After a lot of trial and error, incompetent and idiotic advices, I decided to contact our old and trusted vet in Donetsk. But I didn't want to explain to her why I switched languages, I didn't want to have any political discussions, especially with Krobus' health being at stake. So I had to write all the messages to her in Russian. And it was HARD. I don't mean like morally hard. No, plainly hard. I kept mixing up prepositions, word endings, etc., and generally had a tough time finding the right words.

You don't understand how huge this is. I don't know how to explain… Russian wasn't just a simple tool for me. I used to write poems and prose, long letters and essays. My favorite author was Russian. (Nabokov, probably the least Russian Russian but still). In my school years I was that one annoying girl whom the Russian teacher used as an example for others or selected for language competitions to represent the school/town. I know you can't tell that from my shitty English, because the teaching of English in Ukraine and Russia is generally at a terrible level, to the point that English teachers often barely speak English themselves.

Losing it, a giant part of my identity, one of my very few skills…it should feel terrible. But it's fucking amazing! Trying to speak Russian and sounding weird? Wonderful! Trying to write in Russian and forgetting the correct spelling? Fantastic!

In the modern world, learning new languages is a very common practice. But trying to forget a certain language? Now that's a somewhat unique experience that is now shared by so many Ukrainians. Not all of us give up the Russian language for moral or ethical reasons, although many do. And not only in order to correct injustice and the consequences of years of colonization. For some of us, the Russian language is simply a trigger for our trauma. It's a reminder of the pain Russia is subjecting us to. When Russian missiles fly over our heads, at least in they can't penetrate our minds. Eh, it wasn't supposed to sound this pretentious. Ew.

This whole language-switching thing confused my brain a little bit and now I dream mostly in English. So that's a fun side-effect? I don't know why not in Ukrainian though.

In case you're wondering, no medication is helping Krobus still. He feels and acts fine, it's not getting significantly worse for many months, but nothing makes him better. We'll keep trying.

#personal #ramble

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enihk-writes · 8 months

Text

[日久见人心]

characters: present!chung myung + afab!she/her!reader

baek cheon x afab!she/her!reader (implied and one-sided from the reader's end because they are not the main plot point for this fic lol)

summary: old habits die hard, even when you are born in a new body. to his credit, he does try not to seem like he is the reincarnation of the plum blossom sword saint, but his subconscious actions said otherwise. he didn't think you of all people would notice.

word count: 3.85k

author's note: the phrase 日久见人心 (rì jiǔ jiàn rén xīn) is part of the full saying 路遥知马力，日久见人心 (lù yáo zhī mǎ lì, rì jiǔ jiàn rén xīn) and i vaguely remember it was something my mother tongue teacher back in secondary said we could use in our composition essays or whatever,,,, and recently i saw it on those cringey rise-and-grind motivational crypto bro ig pages my ex-classmates are reposting on their stories which kinda gave me an idea lmao.... anyways the meaning of the quote is that we need to take time to understand a person's character (also the fic is the result of my caffeine overconsumption lol and not related to my previous cmxreader because i needed a break from all that angst romance i've been writing wwwwwwww)

═══════════════

chung myung has been starting to think that you were cut out from the same cloth as yu iseol.

quiet, aloof and always watching.

if someone said that you both were twins, he wouldn't be surprised. but then again, there were differences. the most obvious one was that iseol had more talent with the blade than you did, and the other was that iseol had no talent in actually taking care of herself. you were barely managing, but compared to your senior sister? it was far more decent. the two of you had tang soso to thank for not dying as fast as you could have.

chung myung. bowl.

he looks up to see your hand outstretched, waiting to pick up the empty bowl he'd cleaned off long ago. chung myung grunts and hands it over, propping his arm up and resting his head on it as he watched you go around the dining hall to collect the dinnerware.

you lived in mount hua, sure, but you weren't the fighting sort. maybe because anything you did could get you sick — if the weather dropped or rose a little too quickly, your body would tremble and shiver. did you move a little too much today? did you happen to sleep later than you were supposed to that night? by the next morning you were down with a terrible fever that kept you in your room for the rest of the day. but now that tang soso was here, she would drag you down to the medicine hall, grumbling under her breath, all while you looked at her teary-eyed and apologetic.

maybe it was out of shame or embarrassment that made you try to be yourself useful in other ways, though you would often fail and cause more trouble. everyone would just sigh and pick up after your mess, ushering you out to do something else.

during those days, he'd find you hunched behind the baths, sobbing in frustration. chung myung didn't know what to do or say, he'd always talked more with his fist before his heart, so he'd end up hiding in the trees to watch over you instead. and once you've cried it all out, you would stand, wash your face and go to bed. trying something else tomorrow.

chung myung gives credit where credit was due. for a sickly kid, you sure had a thicker skin than the others.

eventually, you stuck with being the cleaner. your weird, meticulous habits somehow working well in this job. the cups and plates were wiped till it shone, silverware were polished until you could see your own face and that hard-to-scrub dirt on the grout would be pristine and white when left in your hands. chung myung wonders secretly if maybe you'd picked this talent up from that neat freak baek cheon.

what are you thinking about?

he almost hits you out of instinct. you really were cut from the same cloth as yu iseol.

he lets out a shaky breath as he turns to face you, who had been sitting behind him. you look at him owlishly and he would have thought you weren't breathing if not for the movement of your nostrils. crossing his leg over the other, he juts his chin at you in acknowledgement.

what is it?

you're quieter, and thinking a lot more than normal today.

ah... this kid... how does everything that comes out of that mouth sound like an insult? chung myung tries to reign in his short temper, he didn't want to hit a frail person for no reason, and he knows that you just happen to always talk like that.

hm. i was thinking about you.

woah. pervert.

ah... maybe he should hit your head just once. just once and he'll never hit you again.

i'm kidding.

really? were you now?

i'm really kidding, don't go and look like you're going hit me like you do with our senior brothers.

okay, you were off the hook. for now.

hmph. you shouldn't tease your elders.

what elder.

chung myung forgets that you were the same age as him. well, in this body, not spiritually. but if he were to talk about life experience and reincarnation, he was the older one but fuck! you didn't know that! he didn't tell anyone he was the plum blossom sword saint ugh!

chung myung, are you going to have an aneurysm?

shut up!

═══════════════

winter in mount hua was really cold. and chung myung, surprisingly, didn't do so well with the cold. though, he would rather die than let anyone ever find out about that.

he wakes up early to train as usual, but the cold this morning was so biting, he was tempted to just stay in bed, it wasn't easy being an old man. ah, but the other disciples would be celebrating if he didn't appear for morning practice and that was no good. after all, the future of the sect still depended on him, didn't it?

he got dressed and stepped out of his room —

chung myung.

fuck! couldn't you talk to people like a normal person? why do you love to sneak up on people like this? cheong mun sa-hyung please, please, please give him patience and strength.

you look cold.

he was! great observation! chung myung wants to yell that to you with gritted teeth. he was still, unfortunately, very unnerved by how he couldn't feel your presence.

follow me. i have something for you.

you didn't wait for him to reply, instead grabbing his hand as you dragged him to the kitchen. he didn't try to resist, letting you pull him wherever, like a parent going to see what their child just found.

the two of you walk across the training grounds that had been buried under a blanket of pristine snow, the dim light of your paper lantern showing you the way. treading past and leaving two sets of footprints behind.

you push him into the kitchen, hanging the lantern up on a hook in the wall. chung myung notices the fire in the stone stove, you had already started it before going out to find him, probably because you were boiling something in that pot standing over the fire. chung myung sits on the ground, huddling before the blaze, it felt warm and comforting in the kitchen. the sound of water boiling in the pot and the crackling of the charred wood its heat blowing across his frigid face was, unsurprisingly, giving him a boost of energy.

you carefully move the pot to the side, removing the lid to check the contents in it. looking pleased with the result, you take out a bowl still steaming into your hands and placed it on the ground between you and chung myung as quickly as you could.

he looks over curiously. it looked like some kind of pudding, he doesn't think he's seen it before —

it's milk pudding, with lotus seeds and almonds

oh? he pondered, eyeing the bowl as you handed him a spoon.

aren't these ingredients used to make mooncakes?

chung myung asks, folding his arms. he notices that you were avoiding his gaze. don't tell him you...?

did you steal these from the warehouse?

hey! steal is a strong word!

oh i'm sorry, your highness, did you perhaps take the ingredients from the fucking warehouse?

he scoffed mockingly, exaggerating his manner of speech in mild irritation. he laughed at your grimace and pouty expression. ah, he feels like he's making fun of a toddler, he should be ashamed for bullying a kid at his age.

hm, he hasn't done something this juvenile in a long time. it was oddly nostalgic, in a way. he mused, digging into the soft and smooth surface of the pudding with the spoon, trying to scoop up the lotus seeds and almonds in it too.

mmh. 's not bad.

wow, i didn't know you knew how to compliment people

should i take that back then?

i'm sorry.

═══════════════

you had been working hard in cleaning the floors for spring cleaning. but the boys were so heavy-footed and honestly far too uninterested in their surroundings that the well-polished wooden floorboards you were really proud of was always dusty.

should you just barricade the entrance of the dorms until nightfall? just so they wouldn't walk all over your hard work?

you sit on the steps, your hair tied into a scarf, head resting on the propped broom you held between your legs. thinking long and hard over your predicament while looking over at the training grounds where chung myung was drilling down on everyone else.

the sun hung high in the cloudless afternoon sky, its rays casting down on the compound harshly. you were beginning to feel dizzy and closed your eyes, hoping to relieve the pain growing in your head.

you didn't hear anything outside the constant ringing in your ears, so one can only imagine your surprise when the reddish tint you saw while your eyes were closed grew dark.

who?

you cracked open your eyes to try and make out the person standing before you, wincing when the bright light nearly blinded you.

a familiar chuckle graced your ears as the ringing grew quiet. ah, it was senior baek cheon.

he taps the bamboo flask against your forehead, the water in it swishing against the walls. you take it, grateful, chugging down the contents, choking on it a little when a few drops went down the wrong pipe.

hey, hey... slow down... no one's going to take it away from you...

you cough, turning away in embarrassment. baek cheon sits down next to you on the steps, watching your antics in quiet amusement. you didn't want to look at him, not when he was practically topless, with his hair tied up high and swept over his shoulder.

chung myung looks at the scene from afar, not really clocking anything in his mind until he sees the way you were trying to scoot a little further away like a snail touching salt and your hands covering up your cheeks.

oh.

oh?

so you and baek cheon huh?

chung myung feels the cogs in his brain turn. at times like these he wishes he had someone to talk about this with, maybe tang bo. he would have loved to hear about petty gossip like this, and they could have teased the kids like the old men they were.

so you think something is going on between her and baek cheon sasuk too, huh?

jo-gul's voice comes up from behind, and chung myung didn't need to look over to see the guy's eyes trained on his targets.

if you have so much free time to discuss other people's love lives, i think we can continue with our training right, sahyungs?

chung myung called out loudly for everyone to hear.

jo-gul you fucking bastard!

you and your big mouth...

ugh... i can't get up...

the poor guy could only hang his head in quiet embarrassment. baek cheon laughed at the antics of the others, getting up to walk back to the training grounds. but not before he reached out to tuck a stray strand of your hair behind your ear.

if you're going to rest, do it in the shade. i don't think you want to fall ill again tomorrow, do you?

he asks, and you shake your head in response.

mmh. i'll see you around?

see you...

you wave meekly as he left, your insides going through an entire acrobatics routine. wondering what that short exchange was all about. it couldn't be that he liked you back? or did he catch onto your growing crush? you wanted to throw yourself off the cliff.

═══════════════

i didn't take you for a guy that had habits like this.

chung myung gulped down the last of the warm water in his cup, setting it down on the counter, and looked at you quizzically. your elbows were propped up over the edge of the counter and you were perched on the stool in a rather un-ladylike manner.

it's good for your health you know.

psh... isn't that an old wives tale?

he scoffs and shakes his head.

haah...

he sighs.

the young people these days.

you look at him, head tilted in confusion. humming for a bit, you let your thoughts simmer before you decided to pose the question.

hey, why'd you speak like that?

chung myung pauses.

like what?

you know... like an old man?

he sucks in a quick breath. there was no way you of all people would have figured it out, right?

he felt like he was spiralling into a bit of a panic.

hey.

you snap your fingers in his face, moving to stand beside him while he was deep in thought.

earth to chung myung?

he looks at you.

he takes a good look at you.

you were not the brightest bulb in the bush, or however that saying goes, at least when compared to him. there was no way you connected the dots and figured out he was the plum blossom sword saint. yeah, this was for sure a case of the right formula and the wrong answer.

he had to divert your thoughts before you start to think deeper.

i think i hear baek cheon sasuk coming over.

huh?

it was your turn to panic a little, and he darts out of the kitchen to escape what would have been your incoming torrent of scrutiny. you realise just then that you had been completely bamboozled by the bastard chung myung.

running to the door, you yell out a string of curses at the run-away instigator. ah, your blood pressure...

═══════════════

you think chung myung might have been raised by old people. because there was no other plausible reason that he acts the way he does.

sometimes he walks with his hands behind his back, and while most people your age would stand straight and position their arms in a stiff way, chung myung puts his hands on his lower back — like he was supporting it. you know who else does this? the sect leader and the other elders. and it doesn't help his case that he was always slouching a little.

another thing you notice was how his taste in food was a few notches blander than the rest of you. he wasn't fond of anything too salty or sour or anything undercooked. he'd always pick out the softest parts of any cooked meat, saying it was the juiciest, which was somewhat believable. but then wasn't it also nearest to where the animals organs used to be before it was gutted? wouldn't it taste bitter?

speaking of bitter, chung myung liked to eat food that made you squeamish. he'd nag at the nutritional value of them and when nobody wanted to try it out, he'd mumble something about kids these days not knowing what's good for them and scarf it down by himself.

that was another thing about him, why was he always calling you a kid when you were the same age as him? it wasn't that big of a deal for you. but calling the other seniors kids? you wondered if it was his way of showing his martial superiority in a twisted way, or if it was another underlying reason.

surely, it must be because he was raised by the elderly.

god, you were so smart, weren't you? connecting the dots like that?

═══════════════

chung myung was sure you were dropped on the head as an infant.

you had cornered him in the toilets. broke down and the door and everything, just to ask him who he was raised by. it was ridiculous, the scene that was folding out right then and he chooses to ignore that your weak body had somehow broken down a fucking wooden door. he has to ignore that, for his own sanity.

you were on the walls, hands clawing and feet digging on the rough surface. chung myung shirks away, exasperated. somewhere in the afterlife, he thinks he could hear the loud cackle of his friends at his predicament.

chung myung.

he tries to evade eye contact.

chung myung.

oh man, look at that spider on the ceiling spinning a web.

hey where are you looking? i'm over here.

he finally looks at you turning his head slowly.

uh... i think... you might be a bit too close...

a bit too close was a forgiving statement. your head had craned forward far enough that your face was almost less than a centimetre away from his.

you lean back at his reply. still not keeping your eyes off him. after all, he still hadn't answered your question.

you know that i'm an orphan... right?

yeah. so am i.

i wasn't raised by anybody...

oh.

you step back, pondering for a moment. chung myung feels the breath he was holding leave his lungs. you caused him so much anxiety. remember when he thought you were cut from the same cloth as yu iseol? he stands corrected, but you were insane in the opposite direction.

okay. so who raised you?

chung myung feels his eye twitch. why were you asking the same thing? he already told you!

i'm telling you—!

nuh-uh. that's not what i want to know. i want to know if you grew up with old people.

then you should have asked that from the beginning!

i panicked, okay?

he sighs, deeply, and covers his face in his hands. he feels his miraculous second life leaving his body at this exchange.

to answer your question. no, i didn't.

huh. i see.

you answer simply.

chung myung peeks at you through his fingers, surprised at your unusual silence. you, on the other hand, had grown more confused by his answer. if he hadn't been raised by the elderly, then how would anybody act the way he did? not to mention, he had knowledge of niche historical facts that nobody other than a person living in that time would have known of.

can i go now?

huh? oh yeah... sure...? oh! wait—!

you had answered too absentmindedly! you weren't done questioning him! shit! the slippery bastard had gotten away!

you jog out the door, only to bump into someone when turning a corner. a pair of arms catch you from falling. looking up you were met with baek cheon's worried gaze, which morphed into confusion when he realized at the same time as you did that you had ran out of the boys' toilets.

uh... wait... i can explain...

you wondered if a lighting bolt could strike down in broad daylight.

═══════════════

you were sulking in the kitchen.

the guy you had a somewhat infatuation with caught you in an embarrassing moment. you had convinced yourself all chances you had with him were ruined. this was all chung myung's fault. every time you had the slightest inconvenience you would secretly curse him out a little in your heart. you used to feel bad when you still had a working conscience, but not anymore though.

speak of the devil, and he comes walking in.

chung myung came in to ransack the cellar behind the kitchen for wine. he had been craving it for the past few days after his own stash ran out. he had waited for everyone else to be asleep before sneaking in as quietly as he could.

so one can only imagine the shock he felt, even though he swears he had already seen it all, when he finds your shadowy figure sitting crossed-legged on the counter and your two eyes staring right back at him in the darkness.

keugh—!

chung myung bites back a scream. fuck! can he please have one, one. peaceful day where you didn't fuck around with his psyche?

you didn't know he was coming in so soon. but you didn't care much since you had something to give him anyway.

shoving the lacquer box engraved with floral designs into his chest, you motion for him to take a look inside. chung mying complied, hesitantly lifting off the lid to find rows of thin mooncakes, without the egg yolks probably, and another layer under that was filled with a flaky-looking biscuit.

it's called tau sar piah.

he hums, taking the round ball out to inspect it. shrugging, he popped it into his mouth and chews down on the pastry. the flavour, it was familiar. he thinks, was it—?

dried mung bean paste?

you nodded, grinning.

what's this for though?

don't tell me you forgot.

forget? what did he forget?

it's your birthday you goon. well, in a few hours but still.

oh. he had forgotten, momentarily. you really were a good kid, remembering this old man's birthday and making something for him. shit, chung myung thinks he might tear up. was this what it was like to have grandchildren? he thinks he understands why cheong mun sa-hyung might have suggested he take on disciples of his own, or well, trusted him enough to babysit the children of the sect back then. ugh, he was a grandfather after all, and you were somehow his most troublesome child.

he sniffles. closing the lid on the box and grabbing the wine. well, it would be lonely to eat all of this on his own, and waking up the others would be too much of a hassle. suppose you would make do as his drinking buddy tonight. hooking an arm under your knees, he slings you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. the other grabbing the food and drink.

he jumps on the roofs until he brings you to a spot where the moon felt the closest. he drops you on your feet as you balance yourself on the uneven shingles. chung myung plopped down, leg crossed over the other, as he began to down the wine straight from the bottle.

he hands you the lid of the box, picking out the mooncake and biting into it.

wow. tastes kinda ass.

ugh, ungrateful much?

i never said i wouldn't eat it.

can't you just say your appreciation like a normal person?

a pause.

...thank you.

chung myung replied in a softer voice.

hmph. see? that wasn't so hard?

you huffed, teasing him.

chung myung only scoffed and rolled his eyes.

the night drudged on, and you spent the time talking about everything and nothing. things that happened that week, gossip you've heard, events that had happened in the past, antics of the other sect members...

chung myung feels his eyelids grow heavy. was it alright to rest his grieving heart for a while on his birthday? cheong mun sa-hyung and the others' surely wouldn't mind.

and as he feels himself drifting off to sleep, your voice quips up.

hey, do you think i should confess to sasuk?

psh—!

chung myung spits out the wine in his mouth, choking on the liquid that went up and out his nose. it felt as though he was vomiting out blood from that question alone.

you were really his most troublesome kid.

#enihkwrites #return of the mount hua sect #return of the blossoming blade #return of mount hua #cheong myeong #chung myung #rotmhs #rotbb #can yall tell who my favourite hwasan boy is lol #i have another chung myung x reader fic that im currently marinating (angst possibly no comfort)#all i can say is that its a “what if?” scenario where he survives his injuries but chooses not to go back to mount hua #btw my cycle started... i guess that explains all the angst ive been cooking the past few days huh #reader's health issues might have been my self-insert unconsciously djhfsfkjsjklhsadkkkkk #i read scholarly articles for the history of almond imports #this is how i choose to cope with project moon news #im so drained i can't have shit man

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sl-vega · 3 months

Text

✧Sticking to the Script✧-07

⋆｡°✩ 07-rebound already?

"Sorry about that, those were just my friends." you sighed as you put your phone into your pocket. You looked at Xingqiu again. "Thanks for agreeing to help me study by the way, I really appreciate it."

"No problem, anything for you." he replied as the two of you walked into the library. You chuckled and playfully hit his arm "Anything for me huh? Look at you being smooth."

The two of you settled at a table, and Xingqiu pulled out your chair for you. You got your textbook out of your bag, and Xingqiu took out his notes, and two pens, one for him and one for you.

"You need help with your English paper right?" Xingqiu asked as he sorted through his binder, looking for notes that you would find useful. You nodded, giving him your thanks as he handed you some lined sheets.

"You're doing a unit on Shakespeare?" he asked, underlining a few things on his paper. You nodded "Yeah, we're doing a joint unit with the drama department, we're analyzing Romeo and Juliet. And my essay is due tommorow!" you wailed, slamming your head on the table.

Ms. Lisa, the librarian, shushed you from her desk. You whispered an apology to her as you picked up some of the papers Xingqiu set aside for you. "Are you analyzing anything in particular?" he asked, still sorting through more notes, he got out a highlighter.

"Mainly the famous quotes and stuff. Our teacher also wants us to talk about the use of opposites in the play. We're supposed to cover at least one scene from each act." you explained as you watched him take more notes. His handwriting was so neat and pretty, even when it looked like he was just scribbling down words.

He handed several sheets of paper to you, some papers included scenes from the play handwritten by him, word for word. He also highlighted certain bits of the text, and made sure to include modern English translations for you at the back of the pages.

"These are my notes from last year. We did a unit similar to this. Sorry if it's a little messy."

You stared at the page, the blue ink had zero smudges and the sheet had little to no crinkles in it. "If you think that this is messy, just wait till you see my notes." you chuckled. "I know I already said this, but I really appreciate this."

The two of you continued talking, Xingqiu continuing to take notes for you, highlighting important parts of the text and explaining their meanings for you. Once again he had made an hour seem like a few minutes.

"And that's what Mercutio meant when he said 'Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man." Xingqiu explained, finishing off his analysis to you.

"That also foreshadows his death doesn't it?"

"Exactly! See, you're picking up on this so quickly." XIngqiu praised you as he started to pack up his stuff, placing his papers into his folders and his pencil cases into his back pack.

You glanced at your phone to check the time. "You have to go already?" you asked, feeling slightly disappointed that he had to leave.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'll see you this weekend though, I promise." He gave your hand a quick squeeze. You felt your stomach drop as you saw him exit the room.

Promises can be hard to keep Xingqiu

Xingqiu put his phone down and rubbed his temples. "You okay?" whispered Kazuha.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Xingqiu replied.

Archons he was in deep

additional notes:

-FINALLY GOT ANOTHER CHAPTER OUT

-so sorry for all the slow updates y'all

-i'm trying

-i was writing for another smau i have coming up

-my commitment issues will be the end of me

-holy hell this chapter got a tad deep

-KAZUHA CAMEO

-they're both in their english class during the xingqiu + kazuha scene btw

-lol not y/n being a drama queen cuz she's upset that she has to wait three whole days before seeing xingqiu again

-you guys don't have any classes together btw

-that blue flower gif means that i'm switching povs mid chapter btw

-i went thru sm different versions for this chapter

-ty to @EggosForBreakfast on wattpad for proofreading this for me

-you should go follow them

-also ty to all my readers: @washa, @kasasim, @wisteriabl00m, @rebeccavsabrina, @nmriki0, @rainycafereader, @slu7, @melatoninsblog, @anticlarckwise, @esmetrees, @sn1perz, @littleheartbigbrain, @aldertree-g, @thebiggesthutaofanever, @lilac-sks, @amir8623, @freyao7, @mystic-alex, @myaaaajoy, @tartagliascummdumpp, @green-ginkgo, @lillyinfandoms, @charles-braindump, @samsamsam7, @leynita, @uuyuomi/@mwahkazu, @pwrson, @practicoi, @thatoneswordgirl

-names in bold mean i couldn't tag them

-dw that's just a one time acknowledgment to everyone who liked the original master post, you won't constantly be tagged like that, but if you want to be removed just tell me

-i'll totally understand <3

masterlist

✧Sticking to the Script✧

Pairing: Xingqiu x FEM! Reader

Genre: fake dating, strangers to lovers, slow burn, fluff, angst (?), high school smau, modern smau

⋆｡°✩-Synopsis: Xingqiu just got entered into a special writing contest, the type that's invite only, the theme this year is love, the only problem is that he has zero romantic experience. but he really wants to prove himself as a writer. meanwhile, you just found out that your boyfriend cheated on you, and you need to show him that you're 100% over him, the only problem is that there's no way you can get an actual boyfriend that quickly. clearly, the solution to both of your issues is to fake date each other. it shouldn't be hard for an actor such as yourself, all you need to do is stick to the script.

(OPEN) Taglist: @freyao7, @thatoneswordgirl, @sn1perz, @latay7, @esmetrees, @nmriki0, @help-whatdoimakemyusername, @httpsrenren, @cupid-spams, @aixaingela, @kaitfae, @luvkvni, @danhenglovebot

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marvelfanfics1 · 1 year

Note

Could you write something for little!mj or little!kate? maybe they slip during class or smthn and cg!reader takes care of em?

"Don't wanna be here anymore"

Pairing: little!MJ x mommy!Stark!reader

Warnings: Age Regression, fluff

⭒𖥸⭒

You rolled your eyes when Flash yet again made some dumb comment during class. It had been a long day and just his presence was already annoying.

Not even listening to the teacher explaining something you decided to scribble a bit on your notes, turning to look at the clock from time to time and hoping the day would be over soon.

It seems you're not the only one. MJ suddenly leaned against you, her head resting on your shoulder. She let out a small huff and you turned your head a little to get a better look at her face, seeing she was pouting a little.

"You okay?" you whispered, not wanting to get the teacher's attention.

"I guess." She mumbled, rubbing one of her eyes which didn't go unnoticed by you.

"MJ, look at me," you told her a bit sternly and she lifted her head.

You know that look on her face all too well. MJ was on the verge of slipping in her little space and you knew it would happen today since you picked her up for school. She was quiet the whole day and only talked when spoken to.

"We can go home soon, yeah? Just hold on a little longer," you said and she shook her head.

"Don't wanna be here anymore."

A minute later the bell rang, thank god. You and MJ quickly gathered your belongings and made your way through the halls hand in hand. You smiled when you saw Ned and Peter standing by your locker, probably waiting for you and MJ.

"Hey guys!" you greeted them and opened your locker putting your books inside, MJ did the same, her locker directly next to yours. "Were you waiting for us?"

"Don't you remember? We wanted to go to the library today and look for a main topic for our history essay." Peter said and you grimaced. "You forgot it! Y/n, the essay is due next week!" he almost whined.

You saw the disappointed look on your girlfriend's face, knowing you can't possibly leave her alone for the rest of the day. You closed your locker and turned back to Peter.

"And who couldn't go with me two days ago because of his Stark Internship?!" you said and tapped his chest.

He gave you a look that says 'You know why I couldn't' and you sighed. "I'm sorry, Pete. Listen, I promise I'm gonna write my part at the weekend."

Peter debated with himself and when you smiled at him pleadingly he threw his head back with a groan. "Fine."

"Thank you! We'll see you tomorrow!" you said and walked off with MJ, holding her hand tightly in yours.

Walking outside you saw Happy leaning against his car, talking with someone on his phone. You both made your way over to him and he opened the door for you to climb in.

You put your seat belt on, helping MJ with her own, and reached forward to close the window that shielded you from the driver.

Finally, you slumped against the car seat, sighing in relief. Now you could let yourself lose and take care of your grumpy and tired little one.

"Come here, baby." you smiled and draped an arm over MJ to pull her closer.

You could see her flashing a small smile your way before laying her head on your shoulder and closing her eyes.

"Enjoy your nap, I'll be here when you wake up," you whispered and pressed a gentle kiss on top of her head.

⭒𖥸⭒

Taglist

@my-river-lilly @pauntedblacknails @fanfictioniseverything @devilslilbabysblog @buckymydarlingangel @hallecarey1 @daybreakwinter @loveshineslikethesky @wandaslittlewhore @vase-of-lilies @white-wolf1940 @simpingbutch @mischiefsemimanaged @alina02 @teddybearsgrr @doozywoozy @angelbabydoll28 @glxwingrxse @lilymurphy03 @veryvaughnny @lokigirlszendaya @youngstarfishdinosaur @little--baby--bear @minideathgoddess @rach2602 @aagn360 @gh0stgurl @flourishandblotts-inc @fluffyblanketgecko @lovelyy-moonlight

#mommy!reader #mommy reader #little!mj #little mj #little!mj x mommy!reader #little mj x mommy reader

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bookishjules · 2 months

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one of the series i've recommended recently to the 12yo i babysit was the 5th wave by rick yancey. and she loved it so much that she chose to write her longass literary essay for school on the last book. unfortunately she was having a bit of a hard time figuring out a main topic, something to tie all these phenomenal quotes about humanity together. so the other day she handed me my own copy of this book with all her little tabs sticking out the side and asked me to help her find connections. we spent the rest of the evening just getting so excited about symbolism and message and what defines humanity and how the main character's ending tied it all together, and my 12yo actually ended up crying at her desk because of how beautiful it all was.

anyway, today she showed me the outline she made in class for this essay and how she's going to use the nine quotes she chose and how she's threading it all together. she kept saying she couldn't have done it without me. and she said that she's changed her mind from two days ago (when admittedly she was also in a depressive mood) when she said she despised literary essays, and she might actually love them now!

and ... i don't know i just. i love literature. i love the way it ties us together across generations and i love the conversations that can come from it. i love that, even if i'm not in school right now, even if my english major wasn't even about literature, i still get to do this shit every day. like we may not be writing proper literary essays, but my 12yo doing this assignment on a ya book i loved so much in high school, focusing on the themes and the intricacies, pulling quotes and being gutted by them, the way it all felt so natural.. made me realize just how cool it is that we still get to do that in fandom. we're still writing analyses about books we loved when we were twelve. we just do it for ourselves now. and for our friends. and i think that's what made the difference for my kiddo tbh, what made her realize how fun writing a literary essay like this could be. it's not about the teacher at all. it's about you and the book and humanity.

#this got long oops lol #babysitting woes #literature #books

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askbensolo · 1 month

Note

Do you still talk to Fannie and Amalia? If so, how are they doing?

I still talk to Amalia, yeah! We don’t talk that often, but we send each other memes and stuff. She lives on Coruscant now, which is where she came from before Luke found her. This is gonna sound weird, but she like, switched religions, kind of. Apparently there’s a religion of non-Force sensitives and semi-Force sensitives who revere the Force, despite not being able to feel it or use it to make things float and all that.

I don’t really get it. I asked her what the difference was, between that and being a Jedi. Or why you’d devote your life to the Force if you weren’t gonna get a lightsaber and mind powers out of it. Or why she’d join a community of non-Force sensitives, when she used to be such a powerful Jedi-in-training.

Amalia said that as a Jedi, she was always focused on how to use the Force, but now, she thinks more about how the Force uses her. The Force, to her, is less of an energy and more of a divine being with its own will, whose will we ought to discern and follow. And then there was some other stuff about how she thinks the light side/dark side balance thing isn’t actually true, that what we call the light side of the Force is really just the Force itself, and…well, it’s way over my head, so don’t ask me.

I don’t know, I guess it’s kinda interesting. But I’m a little more interested in paying my bills and hitting work deadlines right now.

One thing’s clear to me, though. Amalia is way happier than she used to be. More chill. And nicer. Doesn’t stop her from roasting me all the time though—which is good, because I’d hate to lose such an integral part of our friendship.

As for Fannie…well, she and I aren’t really in contact anymore. She went to Ryloth to work with a Twi’lek anti-trafficking organization around the time that I left for college, and things haven’t really been the same between us after that.

Fannie and I used to be real buds. She always saw the best in me (even when I was being a jerk), and showed a lot of care for me that I hadn’t really experienced before. We became even closer after she broke up with her boyfriend Deirak because of their differing plans for the future (she was set on returning to Ryloth, and he wanted to stay with Luke and be a Jedi teacher).

Even though Fannie was the one who ended things with him, it still made her really sad, so after the breakup I spent a lot of time with her and listened to her cry and invited her to hang out with my family and took her on walks a lot. (Looking back, I can see why Deirak stopped being nice to me around then. Whoops. Sorry bro.)

Anyway…after I went to Naboo and she went to Ryloth, being in such different worlds—I mean our lifestyles, not the planets—put kind of a strain on our friendship. I was complaining about writing essays, and cramming for finals, and enduring my stupid stupid stupid Nonhuman Studies courses where everyone was like “Ben is a human so his opinion on Hutt crime lords is invalid”—and Fannie was like, “Oh yeah, I helped deliver a baby today. I went on an undercover mission to help a woman escape her slaver.”

Awkward.

It’s not like we fought over it or anything. But…there was just this…disconnect, and we both were really busy, and eventually we kind of just…stopped talking.

Well…okay, maybe I was the one who stopped replying as much. And then I got anxiety whenever I opened our messages and remembered I hadn’t replied in over a month.

She did reach out to me last summer to ask if I graduated. I was like, “Haha, yeah!” and she was like “Congratulations!” and I was like, “Thanks!” and that was that.

I do think about her a lot though. I think I could have been a better friend to her. I wish that I had supported her more, instead of focusing on myself and feeling self-conscious. Sometimes I think about reaching out again, but…I don’t know. It’s been a long time. I’m still busy, and I’m sure she is too. Maybe that friendship just ran its course…

#askbensolo #written #fannie #amalia #the force #university of naboo #deirak

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sabaramonds · 1 year

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the intimacy of possession: a glimpse into hyde-brand formative yaoi

hello, everyone! i mentioned once or twice here on tumblr and several times over on twitter, but my good friend @tshirt3000 organized a zine among its friends with the topic being yaoi. specifically, formative or otherwise largely influential yaoi in our lives or what yaoi means to us. a few topics came to mind when this was presented before me. one of those topics was murder or violence as a love language and the overlap between joshneku (twewy) and akeshu (p5). however i would have had to replay both games because its been so long and i didnt have the time; luckily someone else discussed joshneku (which made me super happy to see) so thats another essay for another day. instead i ended up writing about - you guessed it - possession, and not of the material kind. in my entry i discuss how i view it and use several ships that impacted me greatly enough to definitely qualify as ‘formative yaoi’. the following will contain spoilers for: yu gi oh (the manga), kagerou project (the light novels), and season 1 of the kekkai sensen/blood blockade battlefront anime adaption. you can find the full zine, all 81 pages of it!, over here. the digital pdf is free to read, so please enjoy it at your leisure. so, lets talk about possession

there is an unavoidable intimacy in possession. no matter the circumstances, no matter how the characters feel about one another on a personal level, there is an intimacy that simply cannot be denied. no matter how hard you try to maintain a distance between you and the one you share a body with, there is an inevitable overlap, a bleedover of information, of self. who else could ever know you as well as the one who has cradled your soul, your mind, your heart, within their own vessel; who else could ever know you as well as the one who fit themself within your body, within your heart, as if it were their home? CASE ONE: TENDERSHIPPING. in YGO, ryou and his spirit, the thief king, are not often shown together despite acting as narrative foils for yugi and his spirit atem. in fact ryou is scarcely shown at all: he fades into the background like a ghost more often than not and we are very rarely afforded a glimpse into his life outside of his introductory arc, at least in the manga. we know he is socially isolated from both friends and family: he has himself and his dioramas and his ghost. so i think his possession would be a relief for him; instead of having no one, he always has someone, even if that someone is zorc-pilled, prone to violence, and repeatedly puts him in dangerous situations.

unlike yugi, ryou, is for the most part cut off from his spirit. they do not visit each other in their soul rooms; the thief king actively excludes ryou from his plans despite piloting his body to achieve his goals. and yet, towards the end, it is ryou who constructs a diorama at the thief king’s behest as the battleground for his revenge plot against atem. this must have required extensive communication, with the level of detail it had. i imagine ryou glad to grasp the opportunity to know the one who has haunted him all these years, both hurting and protecting him, especially knowing with confidence that yugi and his friends have defeated the king of thieves once before and that they could surely do so again. after all, if he was bothered by the thief king's anything, he wouldnt have stolen the ring back from yugi after it was taken from him in the wake of battle city. the thief king is HIS shitty roommate from hell to evict if he so chooses!! there is also, of course, the thief king: one who hurts more than he helps, one who cannot care for ryou the way he might have if it werent for his zorcpilled grief and thousands of years of a festering grudge to fuel him.

he manages to care anyway; there was no reason for him to trap the soul of a teacher who had harassed ryou in a figurine, or to keep ryou alive during the battle city arc, either, when it risked his working relationship with malik. its hard not to care for the boy whose body you have lived in for years, no matter how zorcpilled you are; a boy who you have been alone together with for a long, long time; a boy who does not forgive you for the way you hurt him but keeps letting you in anyway. we dont get to see any resolution between them, by the way. at the end of it all, when yugi is saying goodbye to the spirit of his puzzle and the millennium items are being taken away for good, there is nothing for ryou and the ghost who has been with him since childhood; the ghost who has been, for the most part, the only company hes kept for many years. i like to think that at the end of it all, de-zorc’d, the thief king might have let ryou in the way ryou has always let him in. just once, just for a moment. an honest goodbye. we dont know, though. i guess thats typical of ryou and his thief king. we never get to see them during such private, pivotal moments. CASE TWO: HARUKA, KONOHA, AND THE SNAKE OF CLEARING EYES. kokonose haruka has known he was going to die for at least six years by the time shintaro, the protagonist, meets him; by the time the story itself begins in volume one, he is already two years gone.

kagerou project, the series he’s from, contains the daze: a world which ‘devours’ pairs of people close to death. to help them survive, its creator began to give some of these people parts of herself and her power, via her snakes. a caveat: the power given has to suit the human. can you guess what harukas most earnest wish might have been? this is how konoha was born. konoha was not a person, not at first; he had been harukas oc for a video game he played with his classmate and friend, takane. he was harukas idealized self: not only healthy but inhumanly strong and capable of being of use to those he cared for. konoha is who and what haruka was meant to be, yet haruka, who rejected this body, was stuck within the daze, in an endless white room and his hospital bed, only able to see the outside world in glimpses of konoha’s eyes.

he resents konoha. konoha is living a life that was meant to be his—although that, too, is a life haruka was not meant to have. hes always been on borrowed time.

konoha, himself instead possessed by a fragment of the daze’s creator’s power in the absence of haruka, is barely aware of haruka beyond his understanding that he resembles someone his friends have lost.

the snake of clearing eyes is a parasitic entity constantly recreating a series of events that will lead to him being able to possess a physical vessel, however briefly, before one of the other protagonists—mary—forces time itself to loop back several years in a fit of grief over those she has lost. he’s the one who actually created konoha, having secretly been the one to meet haruka instead of the daze’s creator. he finds konoha convenient and ultimately takes him over, having told haruka when he created the body, “i am very glad this was your wish for me [...] if you do not wish for anything, i cannot ‘fulfill’ anything.” it’s only in the act of fulfilling the most ardent wishes of others that he is capable of action, and only then: only when he is doing what others beg of him. so he spends timeloop after timeloop brutally murdering a bunch of teenagers to get the perfect body for himself, even knowing mary will, in her grief, rewind time itself. and then he does it all again. so much work. years and years of effort expended over and over again in loop after loop—just for a taste. is it worth it? we know after the series ends, haruka is alive. but it begs the question of how he lives. i like to think he took the snake of clearing eyes into his actual flesh and blood body to act as that substitute life. but why do i find that so compelling? because he sees himself in the snake of clearing eyes. kokonose haruka is a boy who has always known he was going to die no matter how desperately he wished otherwise. if he resents konoha for living, it stands to reason that he would empathize with the snake of clearing eyes, so desperate for a life of his own, even if the rest of those around them would not think the same. he can give the snake of clearing eyes a lifetime to live. his own lifetime, shared, and maybe that could be enough to satisfy him. i think the snake of clearing eyes would hate him for this kindness. a shared lifetime that isnt on a timer that leads inevitably to repeating the same several years, again and again: a gift he does not deserve and did not ask for. its a punishment as much as it is a gift, anyway, given that it isnt truly a life that is the snake of clearing eyes alone. i think thats funny as hell. CASE THREE: THE KING OF DESPAIR AND WILLIAM “BLACK” MACBETH. kekkai sensen takes place in the city of hellsalems lot (fka new york city) in a world after an apocalyptic event called “the collapse.”

now let me talk about william ‘black’ macbeth. black spends his whole life repressing his immense power both because his twin sister mary ‘white’ macbeth was born without it and because hes afraid of it. during the collapse, his parents give up their lives to turn his sister into a piece of the barrier that keeps the effects of the collapse from spreading, and he embraces despair both literally and metaphorically. the king of despair is…well, nobody really knows who or what he is, but where the thief kings motives were rooted in grief and vengeance and the snake of clearing eyes motives laid in a desire to live, the king of despair wants one thing: to die. towards the end of episode 11, he monologues: “...how fragile a thing eternal life is, a fate of endless wandering; without death in mind one cannot be said to be truly alive. and so, forgotten by death, the despair that i am shall at least take my foolishness to bed with me.” he says this very dramatically on a live broadcast to the entirety of hellsalems lot by the way. right as he kickstarts the collapse 2: electric boogaloo! it is uncertain who or what the king of despair is, but we know hes been ‘a silent observer’ since ‘rome’. prior to meeting black, he was a shapeless fracture of blue light, having presumably lost his physical body in one of his many previous suicide attempts. guy really just wants to die. im especially fond of him because despite his behavior, he is actually the sort of guy who cares a whole lot about other people, specifically at the very least, black. during their fight in the season finale, another character says: “as long as you crave the light, you cannot kill him. It is precisely because you desire hope that you sought him out, is it not?” the him, of course, is black.

this enrages despair. despite that, despair does eventually admit—in a breathless, wavering voice—that actually, he had not taken blacks body by force. “you came to rescue him from me, but i didnt take him by force. he welcomed me.” top 10 most haunting lines in all of anime. to me. the tenderness in his expression, in his voice, the raw ache of it: and then, when the protagonist leo arrives with white, the fear and hope. black wants to live, despair wants to die, and even if despair didnt want to kill black alongside himself he was willing to do it. he doesnt, of course. its not the right choice. but despair wants to die and black wants to live, so until despair stops trying to kill them both, hes got to leave.

ive talked a whole lot about these ships now. whats their common denominator? I’d have to say the friction in each relationship. theres something so incredibly gripping to me about two (or, um, three if we count the haruka situation?) fundamentally different people (or entities) sharing a body. the thief king and his millennia of grief and rage, worsened by zorcs proximity. ryou and his passive detachment from himself, his relief at knowing someone will always, always be with him: he is not as alone as he thought. the snake of clearing eyes and who knows how many centuries or millennia spent desperate for a life of his own, grasping for it no matter what the cost, no matter how repetitive. haruka and a lifetime spent knowing he was living on borrowed time, that he would die young just like his mother—younger even than she had. konoha, caught between them, a vessel of both hope and rejection. the king of despair and his yearning for death. for that final, eternal sleep. caring despite himself, hesitating in the face of the young man who had welcomed despair into himself. black and a lifetime of repressing himself and fearing everything, but mainly his own power—but not despair. not really. so i want to ask everyone who read this a question. do you think its gay to possess someone and be possessed in turn?

#my writing #um. i guess.#should i even tag the fandoms #ygo #kagepro #kekkai sensen #thank you again to tshirt for organizing this #the real yaoi truly was the friendships we made along the way

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soleilceirinen · 9 months

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Renaissance | teacher!Cillian Murphy x fem!Reader - Part 5

Summary: you are an Art History student in your last year at university. Cillian is your teacher. A/N: in this story Cillian is about 20 years older than the reader. Everything happens in an alternative universe where he is not an actor or famous, he doesn't have a wife or kids like in real life. Also, English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistake! Part 4 - Cillian Murphy Masterlist - Part 6

The next week passed by in what seemed to be the blink of an eye. You kept yourself busy in order to avoid Brad, which wasn’t very hard to do since you had lectures in the mornings and then you had to go to the gallery for the final preparations before Friday.

You didn’t say anything about Cillian to your friends. Probably, Olivia would encourage you to have fun but Valerie would freak out, not only due to the age gap but also due to the fact that he was your teacher and someone in a position of power over you.

So you kept him as your little secret.

Moreover, he had invited you to have dinner at his place twice during the week. Instead of meeting in the coffee shop or his office to review your project, he suggested doing it at his house. After all, he had a huge collection of books related to the topic of your research that he insisted you could borrow if you needed. You couldn’t be more grateful.

And finally, Friday night came. You were at the gallery with Maureen and Laura, the exhibition was a great success, eight of the paintings were already sold so you could feel satisfied.

You were standing in front of the painting which was inspired by Olivia, looking at it and taking small sips from your glass of wine. You loved opening a new exhibition at the gallery, it made you feel mature and elegant just by talking to potential buyers while drinking wine.

Someone stopped by your side and imitated the way you were standing in front of the painting, he was holding a bottle of beer.

You smiled, without needing to look at him to know that he had the most beautiful pair of blue eyes you had ever seen. He pointed at the painting with the hand that held the beer.

“It’s interesting how human beings have been painting and sculpting this type of motif since Prehistory. It represents the depth of our desire and the origin of life, is just fascinating. Like a door that we must cross for the world to welcome us ” he spoke nonchalantly.

You looked at him, raising an eyebrow.

“This was inspired by my friend Olivia, you know?” you said, looking directly at him.

Cillian sighed and took a sip of beer. “I didn’t need that information, Y/N. Honestly, I hope I never have to meet your friend.”

“Why not?” you hit him in the arm playfully. “She’s nice. Also, I think she’s over there with the artist.”

“It’s a pussy,” he said, keeping his voice low.

“Yes, it is. Olivia’s, to be more precise” you corrected him, ready to tell him how excited was Olivia after being an artist's muse.

Suddenly, Maureen appeared from nowhere and hugged Cillian. You looked at them a bit confused but remained silent.

“Cillian! It’s been ages since I saw you last time, you’ve been hiding in the basement or what?” she joked. He rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Just busy with work, lots of essays to mark, you know how it is. Some of them make me want to tear my eyes out.”

“Mines too?” you asked, staring at him over your now empty glass of wine.

“Yours are a breath of fresh air, Y/N. Impeccable writing is appreciated from time to time” he said, pointing at you before turning to Maureen. “She’s my favourite student, very hard working.”

Maureen snorted.

“I know she’s hard working, Cill. “ She put her arm around your waist and turned to you. “Did you know that me and Cillian studied together when we were at the university?”

You looked between them with wide eyes. “I had no idea, no.”

“Yes, back then in the Paleolithic” murmured Cillian, earning a pinch in the arm from Maureen.

You frowned and shook your head. “You’re not that old.”

“Thank you, dear” Maureen gave you a little squeeze. “Have fun tonight, both of you. I’d like to stay and talk about those wonderful years with this dork but I have work to do.”

After that, you gave Cillian a little tour around the gallery, helping Laura and Maureen from time to time until the last visitor left, way after dark. Both of you watched as Maureen closed the door and then kissed Laura, it made you blush just thinking of the affection and delicacy with which both touched each other.

You sighed, wishing Cillian to show that kind of tenderness to you, to be touched that way by his wide hands and maybe, if you were lucky enough, to be kissed by him.

He put a hand on your back, snapping you out of your reverie.

“What are you thinking about? You seemed to be far away from here.”

You shook your head, thinking of something to say.

“It’s nothing, just… tonight was a good day at work, we even sold Olivia’s painting” you joked. It was hard to concentrate on saying something coherent with Cillian’s fingertips tracing circles on your back.

You started walking towards Cillian’s house after saying goodbye to your bosses. His house was close to the art gallery so you didn’t mind the little walk despite your outfit choice. He noticed you shivering a bit due to the autumn wind so before you could refuse, he took off his jacket and put it over your shoulders.

It seems so cliché, you thought. Still, you couldn't suppress the urge to bury your nose in the soft fabric and inhale. As expected, it smelled like him.

“Do you mind if I tell you something?” he asked quietly.

“Not at all. What is it?” you looked at him somewhat worried. He kept walking with his hands in his pockets.

“That dress is nice,” he said, making a pause. "You look beautiful tonight.”

You stopped walking and stared at him, not believing his words. “What?”

“I mean, you always look good but tonight you look like you had been taken out of a painting, so ethereal” he added, caressing your hair.

“Stop lying…” you muttered.

He had his eyes fixed on your face, not letting any of your features go unnoticed. To be seen by those eyes was incomparable to anything else, its intensity was quite overwhelming.

“I don’t need to lie to you, I’m just being honest. It’s okay if…?” Cillian hesitated, still searching your face for any signs of discomfort or rejection. The last thing he wanted after the incident with your roommate was to scare you.

“If… what?” you whispered with your heart pounding like a wild bird.

“May I kiss you, Y/N?”

After taking a look at the street and seeing that it was empty except for the two of you, you closed the distance that separated your bodies with a kiss.

It was slow and delicate, barely a caress from your lips, both of you taking your time while adjusting to each other's rhythm. You had your arms wrapped around his neck with his hair tangled between your fingers as he put his hands on your hips, moving them up and down and making you shiver.

Once your lips parted away, you looked at each other with parsimony, without letting go. Cillian opened the mouth to say something but nothing came out of it. For the first time, he seemed to have run out of words.

It made you giggle slightly, although what you really wanted to do was laugh out loud, feeling as light as a feather, as if you had found the place where you belonged right there, in his arms.

“You know, the first time I saw you, I thought you looked like you'd been taken out of a painting, too” you said, letting your hands slide from his neck to his shoulders and down his arms until resting them in his hands.

“Oh, really?” he laughed and intertwined his fingers with yours.

You nodded, smiling. “Like a renaissance prince or a mythological god, something like that.”

#cillian murphy x reader #teacher x student #cillian murphy imagine #alternate universe #cillian murphy #reader insert

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onlycreatedtowriteoneessay · 1 year

Text

The Hypocritical Nature of Fandom Shipping

Pairings we should be concerned with in Teen Wolf

Please read this as I feel I have made some relatively important points

Disclaimer:

This is about the concerning age gaps and what people focus on, this is mostly regarding people who are Anti-Sterek.

This is primarily on AO3 because I couldn't be bothered to go on any other website when it is the prominent one people use.

I have made a separate blog in order to keep those who may send me hateful DMs and I don’t exactly want what could be hate mail in my personal DMs because I am arguably a fragile person, and I will absorb the hate until I need to seek a therapist.

I also come from England, where the age of consent laws differs from the State of California, in which it is legal for 16-year-olds to date anyone over 18, so long as they are not in a position of responsibility/authority – like a teacher or an officer[1].

I would also like to point out that I am not against any ship except ones with particular elements I am completely against, such as people who ship blood-related family members (Wincest) or age gaps larger than ten years. However I won't go after people for shipping them, I would block that content so I don't come across it.

If you are curious about the ships that are found in Teen Wolf you are free to follow this link to all the known pairings (platonic and romantic)[2]

EDIT - 14th April '23

I can't reply to comments as this is a side blog so

I realise I didn't talk about the predator and abuse of Isaac aspect, but that wasn't really the focus, I wrote this based on what I have seen on tumblr and twitter and even TikTok(?) and the only thing that really gets brought up is the age and how people who ship these fictional characters are "delusional", but thank you for adding to the discussion!!

Fanfiction is a transformative world. There are endless fandoms and pairings to write about such as those that focus on Formula 1[1] and Real Person Fics (RPFs)[2].

I hope to give a reasoned analysis on the pairings of Teen Wolf and the issues that I am aware of following the release of Teen Wolf: The Movie in January 2023.

This essay will focus on the hypocritical nature of shipping fictional characters with age gaps in Teen Wolf but will have a small comparison to other popular media. There will not be a heavy focus on age but rather than size of the gaps of these fictional characters.

TEEN WOLF'S ORIGINS AND AO3

Teen Wolf[1] originated in 1985s with Michael J. Fox starring as Scott Howard; the original production greenlit two sequels[2] leading MTV to adapt a modern version produced by Jeff Davis in 2011[3]. Teen Wolf has been met with a positive audience in the years of production with favourite seasons including season 3B and Season 5. The show continues to exhibit overwhelming popularity as the years go by as people rewatch it for nostalgia or because they wish to return to comfort episodes.

As with anything that exists, there are people who wish for their favourite characters to have an extended story or they do not agree with what the writers have decided is their fate, such as character death (Derek Hale in Teen Wolf: The Movie). Due to the disagreement viewers have with how their favourites end up, they will turn to fanfiction websites, specifically, in this decade, Archive Of Our Own (AO3)[4].

The AO3 tagging system is a complex aspect of the website but can be understood when the time is taken for people to find suitable fics relatively easily (when the fanfics are tagged properly of course). Tags often include spoilers regarding what is contained in the fanfic, typically “watersports”[5], “dub-con”/”dubious consent”[6], and “misunderstandings”[7]; but the tags could also include the author ‘talking’ to the reader which could include “no beta we die like [character]”[8].

THE STEREK SHIP AND THE POTENTIAL ISSUES

The Teen Wolf fandom contains popular ships such as, Sterek[1], Stydia[2], Stalia[3], Scallision[4], Liam Dunbar/Theo Raeken[5], Berica[6], just to name a few. A lot of pairings include Stiles Stilinski, most likely because Dylan O’Brien’s performance allows Stiles to have a chemistry with anyone he comes into contact with.

The pairing that contains the most fanfics is of course, Sterek; at the time of writing, Sterek contains 70,770 works which according to the last page of the date posted sort by began 26 June 2011[7]. Due to the popularity of the pairing, there is of course an exceptional amount of hate that comes with it, a lot of this hate can simply be found on Tumblr, known as Anti-Sterek(s)[8].

The chief problem that people who consider themselves to be Anti-Sterek have with the pairing is the age gap, Derek Hale is meant to be older than the rest of the main characters, however, it is unknown exactly how old he is meant to be due to the constant changing of his age (shown in the pilot screening presentation script where he was written to be nineteen[9]), but based on the events of that took place before the pilot episode, and for the purposes of this essay, it can be assumed he is around twenty-one to twenty-two at the beginning of the show[10].

Stiles Stilinski has obviously been written to be over sixteen years old, as he holds a valid licence. However, again, it is almost unknown when he turns seventeen due to the discrepancy in the timeline of events and almost contradictory statements made by the Teen Wolf calendar and the Teen Wolf Facebook page[11]; but it can be assumed Stiles turns seventeen during the events of Season 3 (3A and 3B). For the purposes of the writing, it can be assumed Stiles is sixteen during the pilot episode.

I am aware that shipping a sixteen-year-old with someone who is supposed to be (at the maximum) twenty-two is a large problem, however, if you consider reality, there are a lot of people who actively seek out relationships with people who are significantly older than them. When you contemplate actuality there are celebrities who have yet to face repercussions for dating people who are remarkably younger than them; Leonardo DiCaprio, and Sam Taylor-Johnson.

A factor that could be the reason that Sterek is scrutinized is due to the relationship that Kate Argent pursued with Derek when he was fifteen to sixteen. There is a lot of discourse on Tumblr and Twitter and even TikTok comments where fans equate the Sterek ship with that of what Kate did to Derek.

It is reasonable for viewers to abhor the relationship when based on these facts but, it should be remembered that a lot of fanfics involve alternative universes such as those of High School, and College where a lot of characters are specifically written to be the same age. I am not removing the reasoning behind the dislike of Sterek, I just want those who will take the time to read this analysis to realise that there are hypocritical aspects of shipping.

THE OTHER POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC SHIPS OF TEEN WOLF

It cannot be ignored that Sterek is not the only ship that has an age gap, there are viewers of the show who enjoy reading fanfics involving Steter (Peter Hale x Stiles Stilinski)[1]; this ship is also a problematic pairing due to the even larger age gap than that of Sterek’s, and this pairing on AO3 is considered to be the second most popular Teen Wolf ship with (at the time of writing) 10,766 works[2].

If you were to venture onto Tumblr and searched for the Anti-Steter[3] tag you would find less posts than the Anti-Sterek tag, and less frequent postings in general. Based on this, it would appear that there is more hate for Derek than Peter.

Another ship pairing that is more concerning, if fans of the show dislike large age gaps exceeding ten years, would be (Chris Argent x Stiles Stilinski) of which 866 fics are found on AO3[4], this is less than other ships but of course, still an interesting number of fics that have spanned 2012-2023.

The more popular ship containing Stiles and Chris is Stetopher which is a polyamorous ship that also comprises Peter. The works on AO3 are few in number, with only 739 published at the time of writing, these fics began being uploaded in September 2012[5].

This ship should again be scrutinised far more than that of Sterek because of the even larger age gap that exists. As aforementioned, it appears that Derek is greatly disliked due to the awareness of the Sterek ship.

Another ship that fans should be aware of is the Melissa McCall x Stiles Stilinski ship, of which there are 45 works on AO3, starting from November 2012 to 2023[6].

This ship is feasibly far more concerning considering Melissa is Stiles’ best friends’ mother, and undoubtedly this is the most unsettling pairing of all as Melissa would have watched Stiles grow up, and this would therefore be considered grooming.

In sum, the ships involving, Peter Hale, Chris Argent, and Melissa McCall should give rise to far more concern than that of Sterek. Again, this could mean that Derek’s character is far more hated, either because of Derek himself being written as something of an enemy in the first few seasons of the show airing, or because it’s easier to target pairings that are more popular than the other.

OTHER PAIRINGS THAT HAVE LARGE AGE GAPS BUT RECEIVE ALMOST NO HATE

The Vampire Diaries is also a popular show that aired from 2009 until 2017. The premise of the show is a seventeen-year-old Elena Gilbert falls in love with a one-hundred-and sixty-three-year-old. It is common lore that a vampire stops aging once they are turned, however, if people are concerned with age gaps of characters then there should be far more concern over the beloved shows.

Let’s not forget that popular fantasy books, such as that of A Court of Thorns and Roses and the Throne of Glass book series, also contain exceedingly large age gaps, it should not matter how old the characters are when they first meet, it should instead be about how many years apart they actually are. Yet, there is almost no hate found online regarding this aspect. When you compare this notion with that of Teen Wolf’s, there is a hypothetical question that could be raised, is the reason that Sterek is so hated down to it being popular, or is it because it is M/M pairing?

If an age gap is larger than ten years, that is when you should be concerned. I am not really concerned with age gaps in fiction being less than ten years, because it is fictional and I like the dynamic the pairing has, it is very rare that I read fanfics for any media but when I do, it is because I want more from these characters. If people in reality (where it is openly illegal to do so) are in relationships with large age gaps with someone underage, that is when you should troubled.

CONCLUSION

Teen Wolf is a popular show that generates a lot of discourse in the online community, it is probable that there is a heavy hypocritical nature to the pairings that people find. If people were truly concerned with age gaps exceeding two years, they would have more hatred for other ships in the show such as Marrish (Lydia x Parrish); however, it appears that Sterek is hated more due to how popular it is and could also be because Derek was written as a villain, especially in Season 2.

FURTHER POINTS

As stated in the disclaimer, I come from England and I write this with a different attitude, I am aware that the age of consent is eighteen in California, and it is illegal for anyone to leave the state with someone with the intention of having sexual relations. However, Teen Wolf is not real, and if you are getting exceedingly defensive and antagonistic around characters that other people ship and proceed to write long hateful messages to people anonymously on Tumblr to Sterek blogs and those who tag Anti-Sterek with claims that shipping Derek with Stiles is "pedophilic" in fact shows up the Sterek tag.

I expect that I could get hate for this, but I am not defending Sterek, I just hope I pointed out a few problems that I have found, I attempted to do extensive research, but I admit I would get more annoyed about the hypocrisy that I would have found.

I am not against people shipping whatever they want (look at the House of Dragons show) but I personally will not seek out ships that I don’t like and I don’t write hate because what’s the point? It’s not like it’s going to change anything, people enjoy what they enjoy. If you personally attack someone for who they ship, you are a terrible person. If you don’t like something, just block it so you don’t ever see it!!! IT IS THAT SIMPLE!!!

SOURCES

INTRODUCTION

[1] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Formula%201%20RPF/works

[2] https://archiveofourown.org/media/Celebrities%20*a*%20Real%20People/fandoms

TEEN WOLF'S ORIGINS AND AO3

[1] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090142/

[2] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0272412/;https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094118/

[3] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1567432/

[4] https://archiveofourown.org/

[5] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Watersports/works

[6] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Dubious%20Consent/works

[7] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Misunderstandings/works

[8] https://archiveofourown.org/works/search?work_search%5Bquery%5D=no+beta+we+die+like

THE STEREK SHIP AND THE POTENTIAL ISSUES

[1] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=264659&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[2] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=301210&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[3] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=Stiles+Stilinski%2FMalia+Tate&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[4] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=280222&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[5] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=Liam+Dunbar%2FTheo+Raeken&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[6] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=280222&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[7] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Teen%20Wolf%20(TV)/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=264659&page=3539&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=

[8] https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/anti%20sterek?sort=recent

[9] http://www.zen134237.zen.co.uk/Teen_Wolf_1x01_-_Pilot.pdf p. 17

[10] https://www.seventeen.com/celebrity/movies-tv/a42596259/teen-wolf-the-movie-cast-ages/

[11] https://www.tumblr.com/cupidsbower/112807545186/how-old-are-the-other-characters-then-stiles

[12] https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tDP1TdIKctNMWD0EsxJzc9LLErJV0jJTE4sKMrMBwCL2QoE&q=leonardo+dicaprio&oq=leona&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j46i433i512j46i131i199i340i433i465i512j46i131i340i433i512l2j0i20i263i512j0i433i512j69i60.2189j0j9&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

[13] https://www.google.com/search?sxsrf=APwXEddzeFoS5DHyEmaO4XJhSdWXbqHpqQ:1681421852321&q=Sam+Taylor-Johnson&si=AMnBZoEofOODruSEFWFjdccePwMH96ZlZt3bOiKSR9t4pqlu2IBZAUCsyQgyLwj0MoQ908Yd_5yfBFTQnKmrTdOBY_oGZMx_iDGadZ7BTbaX1BRN2xJ09_hJbT1ar31kHk-6dwqLOBGvzEIYoQZLvnmd_LzjzLjljhUzrWuM6alU8XkV8NtcXQ5mteAHnosD10Mit8AZSn-qBTOut8iiP9hjTojm_q-T_A%3D%3D&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiInubB6Kf-AhWabcAKHSraDxQQmxMoAHoECB8QAg&biw=803&bih=690&dpr=2

THE OTHER POTENTIALLY PROBLEMATIC SHIPS OF TEEN WOLF

[1] https://archiveofourown.org/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=297569&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&tag_id=Teen+Wolf+%28TV%29

[2] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Teen%20Wolf%20(TV)/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=297569&page=539&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=

[3] https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/anti%20steter?sort=recent

[4] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Teen%20Wolf%20(TV)/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&page=44&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=Chris+Argent%2FStiles+Stilinski&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=

[5] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Chris%20Argent*s*Peter%20Hale*s*Stiles%20Stilinski/works?page=37

[6] https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Teen%20Wolf%20(TV)/works?commit=Sort+and+Filter&page=3&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=Melissa+McCall%2FStiles+Stilinski&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=created_at&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=

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sugarfluffandallthatgoodstuff · 1 year

Text

The Façade will always fall (Tendou x shy!reader)

Y/N=your name

L/N-last name

T/N=teacher’s name

F/C=favorite color

Background: you are a first year at Shiratorizawa who struggles (quite) a bit with certain aspects of school (essay writing, presentations, being taken advantage of for projects, etc.) and Tendou is a 3rd year and was assigned to be your tutor by the school after the first one had transferred schools for a better basketball program. And you’re in a dance club.

With all of that out of the way let’s get started:

3 MONTHS AGO…

YOUR POV(1st person):

Today felt harder than usual. And by that I mean everything in my day from the small mundane things like getting out of bed and eating breakfast (which spoiler alert I did not do like usual honestly) all the way to the big test I had been grinding study hours for which made me worry I was going to have to get more help from my new tutor that I still haven’t met yet.

We weren’t even halfway through the day when I knew what the outcome of my worst classes would be. Even though I know I’m meeting my new tutor after this class I’m heading to. At least I’m supposed to meet them during lunch which gives me a decent chunk of time to work.

English

The class where I constantly had issues being the one who was too shy to make groups myself and was the one who always ended up doing all the work. Even at some points having to stutter through 90% of the presentation because my groupmates didn’t feel like contributing.

I thought about what sadistic plans my teacher had for our class while I was walking to English whether it was an essay, popcorn reading, or worst of all: group project.

I arrived at my class 2 minutes early as usual and slid unceremoniously into my seat in the middle of the room and took out my book as my peers steadily entered the classroom and also took their seats.

The first 5 minutes of class were normal with us having to write a 2 paragraph composition based on a thought provoking question and us sharing with the class what our answers were. I never wanted to share my opinions out of fear that my opinions and answers would differ from my classmates’ answers.

But right as the teacher was about to call on another student to share when the class phone rang. The teacher sighed as she walked over and answered the phone only conversing for a measly 15 seconds with her only answer being “ok I’ll send her over there now”. The murmurs spread through the class with assumptions of who it could possibly be.

When the teacher finally quenched our need to know who this lucky soul was to be able to leave:

“Ms.L/N you are needed in the office”

“Mrs.T/N may I please return here to retrieve the work later?”

“I’ll see about that, the assignment may be waived entirely” I walked hurriedly and anxiously towards the office mulling over what the reason could be for me needing to be there.

As I sat and waited in the office I finally heard my name be called by the counselor

I walked in and there was the counselor and sitting across from her is a boy with venetian red hair and a pleasant aura surrounding him.

“Ms.L/N I know you were supposed to meet your tutor during lunch but I thought it would be most beneficial for you to meet him now. Y/N L/N meet your tutor 3rd year Satori Tendou. He will be assisting you for the rest of the year.”

“N-nice t-to meet y-you T-Tendou-san.” I say as I shakily bring my hand out for a shake knowing what’s what I was trained to do. “Well it’s nice to meet you too Y/N-chan! I look forward to helping you out!”

I liked this guy already. Which was rare because 90% of the time people’s first impressions for me were not positive as people thought timid=needs to be infantilized. And he didn’t do that. All he did was show genuine interest in a genuine fashion.

“Great! Feel free to use any empty study rooms in the library. Oh and you will both be excused from your classes for the rest of the day to get acquainted with each other!”

And as they say the rest was history…

PRESENT DAY

“Alrighty Y/N-chan you can do this! I believe in you!”

“I-I don’t know a-about that what if I fail?!?!”

“With research that good it won’t matter how you choose to present it! But if the actual presentation aspect is what’s scaring you, then we can work on that! Besides, I know how excited you’ve been about this topic! You can’t give up now!”

He wasn’t wrong. I had been looking forward to researching and debating the efficacy of certain media types in regards to Ethos, Pathos, Logos in the form of persuasion.

“Why don’t we practice the wording and style of your presentation? I think practicing will help calm your nerves.”

“O-okay. Why music can enhance the efficacy of product advertisement…”

I was just winging it honestly as he looked interestingly at me while I was talking. Not speaking. Just all eyes on me flitting between my face and the computer with my slides.

“...so in conclusion contemporary music is most effective at enhancing the efficacy of product advertisement.”

“Ok that was great! You should probably tweak your introductory title to… aha! ‘Why contemporary music is the most effective advertisement enhancement.’ easy!” He said all of this as he swiftly edited the thesis of the title slide.

“Th-thank y-you T-T-Tendou-san”

“It’s no problem really. It is my job after all.” That was true. He was assigned to be with me and probably had no choice in the matter.

“So just to check again before the end of our session. Are you feeling confident about your presentation?”

“I mean I’m sure it could be better in some way or another but I think I’m ready?”

Now Tendou was NOT an oblivious guy by any stretch of the meaning and was terrifyingly observant.

“Hmm…ok if you say so” he said while squinting at me as if I was sitting across from him while playing among us and was the imposter. Everything about his facial expression screamed ‘this seems sus’

TENDOU’S POV

And with that we parted ways and went back to our dorm rooms respectively. What I had forgotten was we had dorms in the same directions and she had probably not realized that. So I just opted to tail her at a medium distance.

I noticed as soon as she thought I was gone she shifted from walking what people would consider normal and just started…trudging?

Wait

That could only mean one thing. I know that trudge as I did that too throughout my school years. That’s the gait of a person who is trying to look tired but is really just super unhappy.

But that doesn’t make any sense. I never see people harassing or bullying her around the halls or anything. But then again I know nothing about her peers in her classes. At least there’s still daylight and I know her English teacher is still here.

I quickly sprinted back to the classrooms trying to remember which room was T/N’s room.

Turns out I caught her just in time as she was just packing up her equipment.

“Ah good evening Tendou. Can I help you with something?”

“Actually yes! You see the girl I tutor is in your class right before lunch and I know she has a presentation tomorrow. So what I was wondering is if I could come in and watch her present because I know how hard it is for her.”

“Um sure? Which student are you tutoring?”

“Oh. Y/N L/N.”

“Ok fine. I have her presenting 7th overall”

“Sounds great! Thank you so much!”

“You’re very welcome”

As she was saying that I took off towards my dorm and plotted my before-school-interception mission

NEXT DAY BEFORE SCHOOL.

YOUR POV

I was going down the stairs of my dorm when I kind of just…stopped and had a wave of fear overcome me knowing my presentation was in just a few hours.

All I could think about at that point was how everyone was going to laugh at me just like last time and how I’ll fail because it got too overwhelming and I had to go not be bullied and ridiculed again.

But I kept telling myself that I practiced for this and I wasn’t going to let Tendou-san’s help go to waste because of my cowardice.

And looking at the time I realized I would have to run to get there with enough time to serve as a buffer in case something happened.

I got to the hallway where my first class was and sat down to finish up/correct any problems on my math homework since that would be easy.

So just as I finished checking over the first problem I see a pair of feet stop in front of me

“Ohayo Y/N-chan! How are you?” Tendou said as he was bending down so his eyes could meet mine

“O-Ohayo T-Tendou-san. I’m fine just reviewing some math work.”

“Sounds pretty responsible of you. I don’t know many people who just check it over more like doing it for the first time”.

“I just like to make sure I keep my grades up where I can.”

“That’s still very smart” he said as he poked my side

“Eek!”

“Oh my~is my Y/N-chan ticklish?”

Uh oh. Keep cool. Make it seem like you’re NOT flustered.

“U-uh no”

“Really? Cause that sounded like a laugh to me~”

Fuck. Busted big time

“N-no it wasn’t” I was sure this would convince him

But it didn’t

“Well then I’m sure this should be fine then!” As he proceeded to run his fingers up and down my sides

But of course a façade can only stay up for so long

“It’s fine j-just sensitive”

“While we’re at it why don’t you tell me why you seem so mopey recently”

“I-ihihihim nohohohot mohohohopehehey” fuck. Well I knew it was a matter of time

“Really cause last night you seemed kinda down” he said as he switched from just running his fingers up and down my sides to full on tickling me

“Nohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho stahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahap”

“Well well lookie at what we have here~ are you sure you’re not ticklish my little kouhai?”

“Ihihihihihihihihihi hahahahahahahahahave tohohoho keheheheheheheheeheheep workihihihihihing” I kept trying to squirm free from his grasp and try to stop laughing and regain composure

He decided this wasn’t enough to get me to crack and let something slip so he decided to slide his fingers down a few inches to my hips and went WILD with the scribbling and squeezing

“nohoHOHOHO STAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAP PLEAHEHEHEHEHHESE”

“Oh dear it looks like my precious little kouhai can’t handle her tickles to her wittwe hips huh? Are you finally going to tell me why you’re mopey? Or shall I continue?”

“Youhuhuuhuhu cahahahahnt I hahahahahahahahahahave clahahahahahahass”

With that statement he looked up at the wall clock in front of us “oh we have plenty of time~ feel free to keep giggling though it’s like music to my ears. Or you can tell me why you’re sad and gloomy”

“FIHIHIHIHIHIHINE YOHOHOHOHOU WIHIHIHIN I’LL TELL I'LL TELL”

“Well a deal is a deal” and with that he stopped his incursion of tickles but still held on to my midsection for support in case something happened

“S-so l-last night I-I-I started to doubt my work and I had to think about my group mates and their portions of the presentation and if I-I d-don’t th-the b-b-b-bullying wi-will st-start a-again I” and I couldn’t finish as I choked up and started crying

“It’s ok it makes sense to be nervous and second guess yourself but what’s important to remember is bedtime anxiety decides nothing is good enough and makes everything seem like garbage. As for the other point you brought up about your group; fuck em. They did nothing and therefore deserve the F that is inevitably coming for them. I’m excited to see your hard work payoff and I don’t think they should get any credit.”

“B-b-but what will they think of me!?”

“Who cares because you’re my friend and I’ll be here for you. Just like you’ve been there for me when I was sad. Now the only edit you have to make is take their names off the powerpoint and you’ll be done!” As he said that he slipped my laptop out of my bag and proceeded to do just that. He even was kind enough to put a footnote saying: ‘L/N Y/N’s tutor Tendou Satori has removed the names of the people who contributed nothing to this project (・ω<)’

“Now let’s get your little face cleaned up and get you to math.”

TIMESKIP TO THE PRESENTATION

“Alrighty can L/N’s group please come up?”

And she was interrupted by Tendou slamming the door open and looking at me with something I could only explain as an excited gleam in his eyes and ran to the back of the room.

He sat at the back of the room attentively looking at me and giving a double thumbs up as well as a smile

My group mates came up with me and just as they were exiting their seats the teacher said rather suddenly “oh you three do not need to go up as L/N-san has been separated due to lack of effort on your part. Whenever you’re ready, L/N.”

And with that I started. And I winged my speech just like the day before.

Something about Tendou being there helped. Like it was just the 2 of us in that study room again and no cares in the world.

“…and with that I am happy to leave all of you with the conclusion that contemporary music is the best at enhancing the efficacy in persuading people in advertising.”

There was a dead silence for a second before the room went CRAZY. I heard loud and clear above the crowd Tendou screaming “ENCORE ENCORE! THAT WAS AMAZING”

I wanted to burst into tears from the joy 🥹

TIMESKIP TO LUNCH

“Well well well look at my perfect little kouhai who aced her presentation~” Tendou had said this as he came up to me when I was sitting alone at lunch

“H-how do you already know?!?”

“I have my ways” honestly I wasn’t even gonna question it knowing he was like a wizard basically

“Now why don't I introduce you to my friends from volleyball. I think they would really like you!”

And just like that my love story with him begun.

And that’s how this chapter of my life ended.

#shy!reader #tendou x reader #tendou x you #haikyuu x reader fluff #haikyuu x reader comfort #haikyuu tickle #haikyuu!! tickling #ticklish!reader #lee!reader

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