#will never understand the mentality of spending your time on this earth

[thedevilinmybrain]

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[loveemagicpeace]

Astrological Life Events🌠

Fire venus -feel fun, drive at the beginning, but if they don't feel the same energy over time and if you don't stimulate them, then they usually lose interest. They need constant passion and playfulness. Especially from the beginning (because they want the person to show interest in them). They like more dramatic love and a relationship that is more spontaneous and interesting. They will never think you are too much for them because they like the energy when someone is more direct with actions and shows emotions.

Earth venus- they are initially cooler and observe the situation and think. And later they become more fixated on the person and then they become really devoted to that person. They don't like to rush into something because they are afraid that they will be hurt again later. So they do things more slowly and carefully. But when they really care about someone, they will really invest a lot in that relationship.

Leo rising people choose a spouse who usually does not suit them as much as they thought at the beginning. They can go into something very quickly and then regret it later. They can go very recklessly into something.

Capricorn rising will always test you before going into a relationship with you. They actually spend a very long time thinking about whether the person is right for them. They are very deliberate and make very deliberate moves. You think you know them, but you really don't. They observe your movements in silence all the time (similar to scorpio rising). They will always be one step ahead of you.

One of the reasons why fire moons are not compatible. The moon represents emotions, home, comfort, safety, care, etc. Fire signs don't feel so comfortable in water energy by themselves. Fire Moons often grow up independently and feel more distant from their family even in childhood. They can do many things on their own and the mother can be quite alienated. Especially with (aries moon and sagittarius moon). Therefore, these people are looking for someone who understands them emotionally, accepts their feelings and will be able to open up emotionally and be able to rely on someone and feel that the person will really be there for them. And when two fire moons are together, this creates emotional distance in the long run and not dependence (reactions are often similar) and emotionally the two people may not be able to complement each other because they both want a safe space for their emotions. Therefore, fire moons would be more compatible with water moons, because these give them the feeling that they can open up emotionally and make them feel that they can be vulnerable.

A balance between starchy and acidic foods is important for people born under the sign of Libra. They need lots of fresh air and moderate exercise. They should be careful about what liquids they consume.

The places ruled by the scorpio are: slow and muddy streams, calm ponds, swamps, vineyards. They also rule slaughterhouses, operating rooms, garbage disposals. As for food, people born under the sign of Scorpio should be careful to eat a lot of cooling food and fruit. Spicy and meaty food can bring them negative qualities.

Sagittarius is an optimistic sign and their health often depends on the mental attitude they have towards themselves. Sagittarius is connected by open places for exercise such as tehnis, horse riding. Therefore, people who have Mars in Sagittarius need to relax with a way to have fun: for example, jumping on a trampoline, rollerblading.

Capricorn is a dark sign in itself and rules places such as: tombs, cemeteries, morgues, dungeons. It also rules cellars, dark holes, abysses, frozen places, monasteries. They are supposed to rule even old churches, dark forests. Capricorn rules the skin and skin diseases, such as eczema, rashes.

From a medical perspective, Pisces rules the feet, the psychic mechanism of the mind. The bones they rule are: knuckles, ankles. The sign of fish also rules the veins of the feet. Problems such as colds, excessive sweating, dropsy, infectious diseases are also the result of the negative influence of fish on the soul. Most people with this sign are hypersensitive to medications and should avoid them. Pisces can be very sensitive to things and their environment affects them a lot. Whereas virgins are just the opposite. Virgos are actually very resistant to certain things and can heal quickly if they so desire. But they can be obsessed with overdoses of medication and can overdo it.

The ascendant shows your personality, how you behave, how you express yourself, how people see and perceive each other. The sun shows who you are and what your mission and inspiration is. The moon shows how you express your emotions, where you find comfort, your home. Mercury shows how you express yourself, communication, mentality, thinking, intelligence, your first impressions of childhood and environment. Venus shows your experience of love, how you look at love, how you behave in a relationship and what kind of partner you are. Mars shows your anger, energy, competitiveness, possessiveness, sexuality, and since Mars rules the first house, it also shows part of your personality.

Aspects in Astrology:

✨A conjunction is when there is no distance between the two planets, but the planets are equal to each other. It has the characteristics of the sun, for it represents strength and dynamism.

🍓The sextile is an opportunity complex and we associate it with Venus. It symbolizes harmony, harmony, love and lightness.

🚀The square is a destructive complex that the individual causes himself, either consciously or subconsciously. He has the characteristics of Mars, so he is more energetic, intense and determined. But it can also cause conflicts.

🎯The trine is a luck complex and is always auspicious and also has an auspicious nature. It has the energy of Jupiter, which means that it acts as an aspect that offers opportunities and lucky coincidences. In the synastry chart, it can show a chance / fateful meeting with a person.

🪼Inconjunction is a stress complex, it is considered an uneasy aspect. But it has the energy of Saturn, which means physical or mental illness or a strong sense of guilt.

🌙The opposition is a disturbing complex. It symbolizes duality. It has the energy of the moon (although many people think it has the energy of saturn). It is an aspect that causes a dual emotional energy that oscillates between one energy and another.

Mercury in Scorpio - they have a need for analysis, secret communication. They are bright, cunning, sarcastic. They are secretive and good at keeping secrets. They are susceptible to the weaknesses of other people, they are critical, doubtful and suspicious. They make quick ends of things. They don't forgive, they don't forget and they don't trust. As a child, you were privy to a lot of other people's secrets and you weren't allowed to tell them.

Mercury in Sagittarius - they need open, free communication. They are generous, know how to help, honest, independent and do not care about other people's opinions. They have an expressive way of expressing themselves, they like sports, they like authority. They are interested in philosophy, religion and law. Quickly earns the trust of others.

Mercury in Virgo - they have a need for stable and realistic communication. They often criticize others and notice small things. They have a good sense of detail and judgment.

Mercury in Cancer - the need for careful, personal communication. They are tactful, discreet, flexible, pleasure-loving, friendly. They are emotional and like their comfort. They are interested in home, family, security and sometimes they can depend on the opinion of the family.

Mercury in Leo - the need for creative, fun and joyful communication. They tend to be self-centered and domineering. They are sociable and popular and sometimes consider the opinions of society. They are fiery, quick to anger, stubborn, persistent, compassionate.

Mercury in Pisces - the need for idealistic, inspiring communication. They are often artistic, spiritual, and have rich intuition. They are imaginative, prone to absorbing other people's emotions. They like music, poetry, water. They are strongly influenced by the environment because they are hypersensitive. They are easily hurt and resentful. They tend to abuse alcohol and drugs. They are often more concerned about others than themselves.

Mars in Taurus -these people are jealous, possessive, combative and persistent. Sexuality is important to them. At first, they don't show much energy outwardly, but the energy shows later. They know how to appropriate people and secretly want them to be theirs. Maybe they don't feel that way at first, but they don't like to share someone with another person. This is often the case with earth signs, that the energy is not noticed immediately but later.

The Sun in the first house indicates a person who is more egotistical, has a strong personality and is confident. The individual is generous, talkative, independent. The Sun in this house brings problems due to haste, quarrelsomeness or recklessness.

The Sun in the 5th house brings small families. It can sometimes mean that there are no children (the individual does not want them), there can be problems with conceiving. The individual tends to dominate. This position often brings spiritual inclinations, artistic and creative talents.

Sun in the 6th house - makes a personality that feels good when serving others. They are interested in health, both personally and publicly. The individual is usually careful, orderly. Since this is a descending house, the individual may miss many opportunities that arise in the early years of his life.

Sun in 8th house- The individual is quietly ambitious to achieve a powerful position in life. He is usually fearless. Problems can arise due to lending money. The financial situation can improve after marriage because this is where an individual can gain the most from marriage. This position also indicates long life. People with this position can be careful of straining their bodies, especially the heart.

Sun in the 9th house - makes a personality that is noble, idealistic, enthusiastic. However, a person can be capricious or changeable and show a dual nature. It makes a personality that tries to maintain its position in life. Relationships are often very important. Success is usually far from the place of birth. It also indicates living abroad. The person loves art, music and literature.

People who has neptune, jupiter & uranus 1st house makes them very special and different from the rest. Because all planets stand out in their own way. Neptune gives a person a magical and special appearance. The person looks like they are not real. Emphasize their eyes, which look hypnotic and dreamy. Jupiter gives the person visibility and luck in appearance. Many people notice them quickly, they also look spiritual and fiery. Uranus makes a person different from others, their beauty is more outstanding and special. They can wear something that will look good only on them. They know how to wear things in their own way and thus stand out.

-Rebekah🍓🧚🏼‍♀️✨

[norrizzandpia]

Happy Birthday (LN4)

Summary: It’s his favorite person’s birthday

Warnings: literally none just language

Note: my bday being a few days ago has nothing to do with this!!!!!!!! I know it’s short but I got a late start to this tn 😭😭 hopefully I can get some much needed writing time tomorrow

landonorris happy birthday to my person! I told myself I would just say all of this to your face but on second thought I want the world to know just how much I care about you. To be honest, when we first met, I never thought we would be here; in love and prepared to spend the rest of our lives together. I just didn’t think you would like me that way. However, the day you said yes to going on a date with me will forever be one of the greatest days of my life. That was the day my life truly started because, as cliche as it is, you are my life. I’ve never cared or loved someone as hard as I do you and I’m eternally honored to be the person you come home to at the end of the day. Being your boyfriend over these past few years has taught me a few things. The first thing being that someone’s laugh actually can become your favorite sound. Always thought that was an over exaggeration but hearing you laugh and knowing I was the one to make you laugh is completely different from the happiness I feel when I win a race. The feeling’s better because you’re better. The second thing being that loving someone doesn’t have to be hard. I feel like people think love is a hard thing but with you it’s not. From the start, loving you has been easy because you understand me and you love me wholly for who I am. There has never been a time where I had to force myself to love you or work to strengthen the love I harbor for you, and there will never be a time that will happen. Loving you is like watching the sunrise. It’s peaceful and quiet, beautiful to look at and experience, and, most of all, it’s relieving because you know there’s going to be the hardships of the day, but that’s ok because you can always come back to the memory of waking up, starting your day, with such a gorgeous view. I don’t have to say that I think you’re the most stunning person to grace this Earth, you already know. But, if somehow you don’t, I’ll repeat it to you for the rest of our lives. Lastly, sorry I know this is long, the third thing you have taught me is to enjoy life. People seem to think that mentality came from my own mind, but, no, it didn’t. It came from you who said it to me one night when I had a panic attack over the stress of racing and performing well. You sat with me in our bed, held me as I freaked out, comforted me, and told me that I had forgotten to enjoy life. In the moment, you had related that statement to me enjoying the privilege of being able to do what I love as a profession especially when what I want to do is so hard to get in to. Although, after thinking on that statement, I realize that enjoying life has nothing to do with racing and everything to do with you. Enjoying life is cherishing the moments where I get to wake up to you, cherishing the times when you tell me you love me, cherishing the ability to love you, cherishing the calls I get in the middle of the night because you don’t care what time it is where I am, all you want do to is tell me the gossip you heard that day, cherishing the fact that I’m the person you want to spill those secrets to, cherishing the knowledge that I’m the person you trust enough to confide in, and cherishing you. Anyways, I should stop now because you’re actually calling my phone as I write this. Probably going to tell me something about your high school arch nemesis coming back into your life to ask for F1 tickets. Don’t worry, I’ll act surprised and tell you she’s out of her mind if she thinks she’s coming anywhere near a race circuit dressed in our colors. Happy birthday, baby.

Loved always by me,

Your biggest fan 🧡

Comments:

mclarensgirlyy SO BASICALLY ILL JUST GO THROW MYSELF OFF A CLIFF THEN

f1fan22 i will never recover.

ynnn LANDO THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING I HAVE EVER READ I AM FUCKING CRYING I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH LAN THANK YOU I LOVE YOU

- landonorris I love you more baby

- mclarenfan4 STOP THIS MADNESS 😭😭😭😭😭😭

ln4andop81 he is so gone for her like I just genuinely don’t even think winning is top priority for him anymore it’s her

- landonorris ofc I’m literally so in love with her she’s my end all, be all

- ynnn so I’ve passed away.

[jiaoqiu-s-bitch]

hi omg i have been thinking about this a lot and idk I think you could work well with my request, so I’ll just ask! How would Neuvilette and Wriothesley react to their female s/o telling them they can go raw / they can finish inside? I’m so curious~ and I hope you have fun with writing this! Neuvi and Wrio are so hot omg I am so sad I didn’t get Wrio :(

hello my dear!! thank you so much for sending this in, I finally got around to writing it ;-;

I absolutely did have fun with it, and I’m sure Wrio will honor you with His Grace pun intended during his rerun😌🙌🏼 do feel free to share more of your thoughts hehe

—————

asking them to finish inside (Neuvillette, Wriothesley) || 18+

Neuvillette:

The Iudex of Fontaine had been busy this entire week. Very busy. Too busy to spend any sort of alone-time with you, not even returning home for the night, instead spending the nights in his office, burying himself in the mountain of bureaucracy that he called his work.

Tonight was the first time after said week where he had come home to you, finally burying himself in you again… and it was driving both of you absolutely crazy.

Breathless pants of his name left your lips in a seemingly endless stream, your fingers entangled in the silky strands framing his pretty face as you gently rub your thumbs against his cheeks, the loving gesture in stark contrast to the almost feral movements of your bodies meeting one another in an unrestricted, desperate display of passion.

He was so damn close - you could see it in his face, hear it in the way his moans of pleasure got that slightly whiny edge you loved so incredibly much, feel it in the way his hips began to increasingly stutter with each stroke of his. He tried to slow down in an attempt to postpone his release, refusing to let this end just yet, not before you would be satisfied first… but you yourself had other plans.

Your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him in even closer as you whispered in his ear "Don’t stop now, my love… Please, keep going, wanna feel you finish inside…"

He shuddered visibly, inhaling sharply in an attempt to calm himself down and keep from exploding right then and there.

It took all of the Iudex’s willpower to cease his movements, pulling away slightly to look directly into your eyes and inquiring "Are you… absolutely sure?"

Even though you were on the pill, and neither of you knew for certain whether it was even possible for him to procreate with a human, you usually never opted to take the risk… up until now.

You nod, pulling him in once more and clenching around him noticeably, your hips moving ever so slightly to coax him into going on.

"I am. It’s gonna be okay, just please…" You trail off, unable to finish the sentence, though it’s not like you needed to in order for him to understand. He nods very slowly, his empathetic nature paired with the physical need overwhelming him in this moment making it nearly impossible for him to resist your wishes (or his own body’s, for that matter).

He lets out a soft groan under his breath, starting to move against you once more, this time with more vigor and intensity, yet also trembling more than ever before. It wasn’t long until his thrusts grew sloppier, until he eventually pushed himself as deep as he could possibly go and let out a soft, shaky moan when he finally released inside of you.

Wriothesley:

The Duke was a smart and responsible man. He seemed to always know what to do and what not to do, keeping a cool head no matter the direness of a situation… but goddamn did you make that impossible for him today.

It was a certain time of the month - the time where you were especially horny and needy. And he already knew in advance: Wriothesley kept track of your monthly cycle in his calendar, ensuring that he was mentally prepared for all of your moods and could avoid additional headaches. But all that preparation didn’t help him much in this case, because how on earth would you expect him to not go completely feral when you come up to him sitting in his office, straddling his lap and rubbing yourself against him so deliciously??

He actually still had some administrative work to finish… but tomorrow would be a day too, right?

So Wriothesley ended up telling himself one of the biggest lies in human history: "JuSt tHe TiP" - which of course escalated into much, much more as you kept teasing and taunting him to keep going until he ultimately bent you over his desk, slowly sinking himself into you just the way he knew you loved.

He eventually doubles over, leaning down and pressing his chest against your back, whispering to you in a husky voice as he wraps one hand around your delicate neck: "You’ve managed to rile me up quite a bit there, darling." You only let out a soft whine in response, clenching around him desperately as you could feel yourself throbbing for more. The Duke couldn’t help but let out a stifled groan, sinking his teeth into your shoulder at the sensation.

"You’re really a piece of work, y’know that?", he then remarked with a throaty chuckle, his free hand coming down on your ass and eliciting a surprised yelp from you. He knew he wasn’t going to last any longer, you had gotten him way too weak already, so he inquired in a low rumble of a voice: "Where do you want it, princess?" He was about to pull out, but a distinct protest from you stopped him - it was as if your pussy was holding him in with a death grip, causing his eyes to roll back for a moment due to how close he was feeling to his limit.

"Stay inside, please, want you to cum inside", you babbled almost incoherently, yet the man understood every single word.

*Wrio.exe has stopped working*

You hadn’t even finished the sentence when he exploded inside of you, letting out a not-so-manly moan in the process (you fucking loved it).

[seireitonin]

Dating Toby?? Like is he clingy, jealous or protective of his partner??

(I don't know....this is my first time doing these things.....)

Toby brain rot :3 this is how I see Toby mixed with some canon information! (I’m gonna try to keep it realistic)

What would it be like dating Toby?

Toby’s life is filled with tragedy

Abuse, death, murder, mental illnesses, being a slave to Slenderman

It’s all bad

So when he finds you, someone that accepts him and loves him despite all that, he’s not letting you go

He’ll do anything for you

I mean to the point it’s unhealthy

Because hes obsessed with you

Like really obsessed with you

He’s super touchy, not only because he likes to feel close to you, but it keeps him grounded

That’s important to him because his disorders/ mental illnesses cause him to hallucinate or space out

He’s not gloomy he’s actually upbeat but when he remembers something from his past or the current state of his life he goes through episodes of depression and mood swings

They can get really intense and as you’re with him you’ll learn how to support him through it

Just laying with him, making sure he has water and reminding him you’re here for him will help lots and lots of physical affection

If his mood swings get violent he’ll isolate himself from you but it’s heartbreaking to hear his suffering

His swings can go from extreme anger to intense sadness to reckless happiness

Since he hasn’t had much kindness or interaction in his life he doesn’t have the best social skills

He’ll say whatever is on his mind with no filter and that includes you too

So he’ll say mean things unintentionally a lot because he doesn’t understand how what he says can be hurtful

And he might try to call you sensitive for it too

“Ugh you’re overreacting I didn’t even say anything that hurtful. It’s just what’s on my mind”

He literally doesn’t understand how it can make you feel because he’s a bit detached with emotions

It’s gonna take a while for him to understand but he loves you so he’ll try to understand for your sake and will work on apologizing

He can also just be rude or a jerk sometimes in general

Toby likes just spending time with you to the point where you’re connected at the hip

He won’t say he loves you with words but he says it with his actions

He brings you gifts, holds your hand, goes on walks with you, holds you and try’s to be better for you (even though it’s really hard because he’s set in his ways)

He talks a lot so sometimes you’ll just listen and smile

Since he can’t feel pain, when he gets back from missions you’ll have to help him check for injuries to make sure he’s okay

He doesn’t say it but he appreciates it

Sometimes he’ll just stare at you because he loves you so much, taking in your every detail

He notices everything about you, from your body language, how you tan in the summer and lighten in the winter, he even knows how many times you breathe in a minute

Toby eats a lot of instant ramen so be prepared to eat a lot of that at first but you start to cook for him because he needs to eat better

Toby never expected to have a girlfriend since he’s a lot to handle but he liked the way you handle him

He’s full of himself literally thinks he’s gods gift to earth so sometimes he puts himself before your relationship but he’s trying to change that

He’s really funny especially if you like dark humor

He’s a jealous man. You’re his no one else’s

If someone even looks at you romantically he’ll go crazy on them

Remember, Toby is still a murderer and enjoys murdering

Chasing them down and threatening them and if it escalated kill them with a smile

He does it all for you. Everything is for you.

“You know I love you, right?”

He looks at you covered in blood

Toby likes it when you wear his sweaters

He wants a family one day and hopes you can give that to him

He’s possessive over you but does it out of intense love and obsession

He wants to keep you safe by any means necessary because he’s so used to losing the people he loves and he really doesn’t wanna lose you

Toby drives a pickup truck and likes to drive you around in it

He likes to sit in the back of it with you and look at the stars in an open field

Since Toby’s older his tics have calmed down but they’re still there and he still has the occasional tic attack

You’ll have to help him through those because sometimes he can’t even talk when he’s having one

Stuff he can squeeze, ice pack on his forehead and making sure he doesn’t hurt himself

He’s happy you don’t see him as a burden like everyone else did

He’s never letting you go

He didn’t know he could feel love this intense

[sanjisblackasswife]

𝕋𝕪𝕡𝕖 𝕠𝕗 𝔾𝕚𝕣𝕝 ℍ𝕖 𝕃𝕚𝕜𝕖𝕤

Ft. Zoro, Luffy, Sanji

Bad Summary: Just describing girls they’d be interested in the Modern AU.

CW: None reallyy.

Sanji

Says he doesn’t have a type but he always finds himself gravitating to a woman of a particular kind.

It’s true he doesn’t discriminate but if he HAD to build a woman she’d be a pervert like him.

He wants a woman that understands him, he’s attracted to woman that loves to sit down for hours and listen to his problems.

He loves a woman that expresses her true feminine side, he will spoil you until the ends of the earth. Don’t worry about paying bills, or anything like that he’s got it. He really wants a woman that is strong willed but is also willing to submit to him and let him be the breadwinner of the relationship.

He loves a woman that is caring and so sweet he gets a tooth ache just from being around her. Being so sweet and tender with him makes his heart melt.

He wants a woman that can be his safe space.

He wants a woman that isn’t afraid to eat.

He wants a woman that is able to see the good side of him, because he has struggles seeing it himself

He wants a woman that isn’t afraid of his touch.

He likes a girl that can be open with what she wants from him, willing to speak up and always tell him “ i love you” even at the most randomest times.

He wants a woman that doesn’t want to change him. Only to help him be a better person.

He is in love with big pretty smiles, it just makes him try harder to make you smile even more.

He wants a girl that babies him, he loves being spoiled too whether he admits it or not.

He wants a woman that can carry his children. He does want his own family one day and knowing she does too makes him the happiest man on earth.

Zoro

He’s attracted to a strong woman, not in physique but emotionally and mentally strong. Not wanting to back down from any obstacle that approaches her life.

He wants a good headache. He is a Tsundere at heart and having a girl that can annoy him (In a healthy way) is something he doesn’t mind adding to his life.

He wants a woman that is patient. He isn’t the best verbally expressing his FEELINGS and if you’re willing to work with him on that he will absolutely make it worth your while.

He wants a funny woman. He loves to have a good time laughing and making memories with her, cracking jokes and just taking it easy

He wants a woman that’s cuddly. He wants his girl to like his personal stuffed animal when he is laying down or sleeping.

He wants a woman that can bring the best out of him.

He likes a micture of a girly girl and a tomboy. He loves his woman to be feisty, smart mouthed and little, but still knows her boundaries as his girlfriend.

He wants a girlfriend that isn’t easily jealous, he doesn’t care for women that expresses little to know trust in him. It’s a bother.

He wants a woman he CAN trust. Showing his feelings is hard. And he wants that reassurance he can work through it with you.

He wants a woman that gives constant hugs and kisses, whether he says it or not he loves the affection and attention of one woman. Everybody else can literally go away when he’s with her.

He wants a private woman. He isn’t a fan of putting his relationship all on social media nor for everybody to know about. Not saying he wants it hidden but not everything they do together needs to be displayed for the public

He wants a woman that knows her self worth. He will never allow her to sit and talk down about herself or think she doesn’t deserve him because in reality he KNOWS he doesn’t deserve her.

He wants a woman willing to listen to him.

He wants a woman he knows he can spend the rest of his life with and not just anything temporary.

Luffy

He wants someone adventurous! He wants a girl that can wake him up from his nap to go hiking or to the park or even out to eat!

He wants a woman that is a tomboy at heart. He doesn’t mind really any kind of girl, but knowing he can be a little more rough with her is actually better for him

He wants a woman that doesn’t try to change his beliefs or his lifestyle. He’s a carefree man and if she is more “strict” living it may not work out

He wants a woman that laughs a lot. Nothing makes him smile more than seeing his girlfriend cackle at his jokes.

Speaking of jokes he also wants a funny woman. He likes girls that doesn’t care for people’s opinions, and willing to be herself regardless of who is around

He wants a woman that can teach him new things. He’s easily impressed so if she is the smarter one in the relationship it helps a lot.

He wants a woman that isn’t sensitive. Nothing wrong with feelings and expressing them but if he cracks a joke and she gets pouty and upset with him over and over and over again it gets tired. Real fast.

He wants a woman taller than him. Height usually isn’t a PREFERENCE for him, he isn’t out looking for a tall woman but he gravitates to them more…..He likes climbing her back.🧍🏾‍♀️

He wants a woman that loves PDA. Luffy likes to touch, touch, touch, he has no shame. Kissing, hugging, hand holding, all of it.

He wants a woman that stands up for herself. He also finds it attractive when she defends hum as well.

He wants a clingy woman. One that is stuck at the hip with him. He doesn’t like to be alone anyways so having his favorite person always around him soothes him.

He wants a goofball of a girlfriend.

He wants a foodie girlfriend

He wants a playful girlfriend

He wants a girlfriend that can be by his side.

[behindthesoul]

Your MK men as parents headcanons are very interesting. Would you write other MK men as parents? Especially I want to read Rain and Havik!

MK Men as Parents pt2

Masterlist || Part One

Characters: Rain, Havik, Quan Chi, Kenshi

Note: Combined a couple of requests into one. Also, sorry this one took forever to come out!

Rain

Probably one of the more normal parents.

He’s a lot more chill compared to himself in other timelines. I can see him being a proud parent to one or two children. Maybe twins?

Teaches his kids to be a better mage than he is. He tries to make his lessons as fun as he possibly can.

Though, he can become frustrated if they aren't taking their teachings seriously. If something were to happen, they need to learn how to defend themselves.

In some MK1 intros you can tell Mileena (understandably) has a lot of distaste for Rain. So much that she wants his mother banished.

I can imagine his children are involved in this banishment which irritates him. His family, especially his innocent children, do not deserve to be punished for his actions.

The main driving force behind Rain’s mission to atone for his actions is his children. He wants to show that if you make a mistake, you should try to make things right. He also wants to be a man his children can be proud of.

Havik

A pretty hands off parent.

I can’t imagine him ever having a complete grasp on this parenting thing.

Just has one kid and refuses to have more.

His kid just kind of does whatever and Havik doesn’t care. Just as long as they don’t make a mess he has to clean up.

Has the “world’s your oyster” mentality.

This behavior is boosted to 100% after his burns. He embraces the chaos, and what’s more chaotic than having a kid?

Havik and his kid are public menaces, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

He’s less of a parent and more of a cool older friend.

Don’t come to him for emotional support or other things like that. Having to actually parent his kid makes him feel tied down.

If his kid wants too much from him he’ll somewhat drift away.

You’ll have to hope their other parent is in the picture.

Quan Chi

Totally the parent who somehow knows their kid’s every move.

He knows when their kid has done something they shouldn’t so there’s never any use in lying to him. He just has this look on his face and his kid knows they’re in trouble.

Excuse my only child self for HCing every character as being a single parent but Quan Chi definitely only has enough energy for one kid.

He feels guilty for bringing a child into the world when he can barely take care of himself. Spending hours and hours in the mines, Quan Chi is exhausted by the time he sees his kid.

All his child knows is a dad who always looks tired and dejected.

That is, until he gets an opportunity to live a better life. A place to sleep, clothes that aren’t tattered, and fresh food - all necessities that his child now gets to experience.

Whenever his child asks how he was able to provide their new life, he just smiles and gives a cryptic answer.

Kenshi

His child was kept hidden. Kenshi thought it best to keep his child away from the whole Earthrealm-Outworld war.

None of his allies knew he was a father til the day they were all thrown in jail with Baraka. Thinking it was his last day on earth, he let the secret spill. Kenshi told everyone all about his child.

He mourned the fact he’d probably never see his child again. Of course, he did; after he helped defeat Titan Shang Tsung.

Kenshi was very nervous to meet his child again. What if they don’t react well to his blindness? Johnny pulls him out of his negative thinking. If your kid is as kind as they say you are, then why would they have a bad reaction?

It eases him a bit, but he’s still a little nervous. He feels like a fool for having those thoughts when his child runs to him, screaming his name. The last few weeks of fighting for Earthrealm was all worth it for them.

His child is a bit confused when they see the mask over his eyes.

“You can’t see me!” They say with a frown.

Sento glows, and Kenshi suddenly sees all the details of his child’s face. He smiles, assuring them.

“Yes I can.”

—

@mortal-kombat-shitposts

[agirlwithglam]

what to do when someone makes you feel insecure

✧*. * · ~ thewizardliz 💋💜

✬ i very very very very highly recommend thewizardliz. shes been so helpful to me this past year and if youre not watching her, then what are you doing with your life?? she is the secret which gave me self love and confidence in myself!! i love this woman so much, when she uploads a video my day just brightens☀️.

This post is going to be completely about her video and the points she made. These are just some summaries but it’s best to watch the video bc the way she says it makes all the difference. full credits to this stunning queen for this post. ✬

★ look at the kind of insults someone gives you;

most people hate on others and say nasty things about others because they feel bad about themselves.┊ so what are they insulting you about? your looks, your intelligence, your personality, what is it? remember that "everything someone is insulting you about with no reason- that is something that they are insecure about with themselves." when someone says something to you, understand that it's just a reflection of themselves. and then just pity them and leave bc u dont need that kind of negative energy around you baby💅

★ find yourself. create yourself. KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

"when you know who you are without this person, no one can shake or rock your boat! your boat has to be stable first." you need to learn to be so stable and secure in yourself that whatever comes in, it cannot affect you in anyway! if someone comes up to you and says "you're purple" would you take it seriously? no ofc not!! you may even laugh in their face because you know that you're not purple so whatever anyone says- it does not affect you. so those insults would go 1 ear in, and through the other ear out.

★ never allow anyone to talk down on you.

when you allow someone to talk down at you for the first time, then it wont stop. they will just keep going on and it will only get worse down the line. "toxic people dont get nicer down the line." so once you tell them to stop and they continue, that is officially disrespecting me. you can leave, cut them out of your life.

★ give them a passive aggressive comment back.

(in the video liz gave some examples of things to say back and DAMNN she ate it up!) just adopt the ✨bimbo mentality✨ and act stupid :) example from her video:

someone: "you dont look good today... you look kinda ugly" liz: "aww thankyou, you know i love to look at you and everyday you just give me inspiration to be confident because if you look like that and you can be confident, then i can too."

UMMM OKAYY SHE ATE THAT AND LEFT NO CRUMBS 😋😍

★ are they even worth your time and energy??

absolutely not. those people are WAYYY beneath you honey. walk away. just walk away from these pathetic people. you will find SO MUCH better than them for they are literally UNDER THE BARE MINIMUM. "if someone has to insult you to bring you down, girl you're already above them" also look at the people you're constantly spending your time with. do they help you? do they grow you? do they add ANY kind of value?? no? then why are they still there?? why are YOU still hanging around them??? bc when does your life change? when YOU change.

★ we accept the love that we think we deserve.

why on earth do u think that this is the best you can do?? why do you think that someone who disrespects you is the best you can do? do you really think you're not worthy of the same amount of love you give out?? there are literally people out there who believe that they deserve the best and they get that! but you here are doubting yourself?? huhh?? honey what??

★ what do YOU want?

so many times we're constantly thinking 'how can we make this person happy' , 'what does this person want' , etc etc. but what about you honey? what do you want out of life, out of your relationships, etc.? genuinely, they should actually feel BLESSED to be in the same room as you, to breathe the same air as you. and here you're letting people come and talk down on you? like are you serious? PROTECT YOURSELF.

★ surround yourself with people that grow with you.

people who you surround you with, they should make you feel like the king/ queen of earth! they are meant to hype you up! they should tell you that you're amazing and beautiful! because if you don't then theres no benefit. why be with icky toxic people when you can be with people who will love you the way you love them? "im too pretty to accept this behaviour".

★ lead with your actions, not your words.

its time you stop saying stuff like "im gonna leave if you continue doing this" , "i will do this... i will do that.." no. just leave. you've said it once and they continued? shut up and leave.

start to create your exit plan. i understand that for some people, they arent able to just leave because of problems related to money, health, knowledge, a community etc. so thats why you need to start creating an exit plan.

if its money you need then start thinking: how can i get money? what job? how can i save up to live on my own? if its friends so you don't feel lonely: how can i make friends? can i join a club or a community with people like me? how can i start to meet new people? if its knowledge so you understand more about it: how can i start to educate myself about this? can i go to a library and find a book on this? can i search it up online? is there anyone else who's been through the same think and i can take advice from them?

★ not everyone you lose is a loss.

sometimes a loss is a gain. if people in your life right now have been disrespecting you and now they've left or you've left, thats a gain!! looking back the people i was friends with before- i needed them so i could grow and gain knowledge. and when they stopped being a significant part of my life, that was a gain. "it wasnt a loss, it was a lesson"

"just know that you're the queen of the earth and you can do and get anything you want if you set your mind to it."

"if you have a good heart and pure intentions, then you deserve people with the same intentions and the same heart."

[thewildsophia]

3Below//Krel Tarron x Depressed!Reader

A/N: Re-watching 3Below has reignited my love for Krel. There also aren't any Krel x depression out there so fuck it ima do it myself. For these headcanons, I imagine the reader to have Major Depressive Disorder as opposed to any other kind of depression bc that's what I have. Enjoy!

TW: S//H, S//I, Adult Language

Another warning will be placed before sections containing the above.

Words: 2485

"Read More Link” placed due to length.

Krel Tarron x S/O w/Major Depressive Disorder

At first, Krel would not understand. That is, he wouldn’t pick up on the fact that you have depression. 

His knowledge of human sociology and behaviors is very limited when he and his sister first land on Earth. However, even after he’s spent months here he still struggles to understand and pick up on social cues. 

So even though you exhibit very obvious signs of depression — i.e. lack of energy/appetite, excessive sleeping, and loss of enjoyment in activities — Krel doesn’t suspect anything inherently wrong with you. He thinks that your personality is just different from your other human counterparts. 

And to be fair, for as long as he’s known you, you’ve always acted this way (because you were depressed-). 

You would definitely have to tell him you’re depressed because otherwise, he would never figure it out. You ended up telling him during a period of lucidity where you didn’t feel too bad and were conscious of his lack of understanding of your behavior. 

As you tell him, Krel stares at you intently, committing everything you're telling him to memory. 

Now he really doesn’t understand. 

This whole time he thought you just have a different temperament from the other humans at your school, but in reality, you were suffering from a serious illness that he had no idea you had.

Tbh, Krel’s not ok for a few days after you tell him. For a brief moment, he’s angry that you didn’t tell him sooner, but he quickly understands why and his anger dissolves into sadness. He feels so terrible about not picking up on the fact that you’re constantly in pain and that he’s done nothing to help you. 

Krel spends the next few days after you told him researching all about depression and other similar mental illnesses. He’s honestly a little fascinated by how many illnesses there are lmao. It’s just that on Akaridia-5, there aren’t illnesses like that, so he’s happy to learn something new (even if it’s not under more favorable conditions). 

Krel has a lot of questions about your flavor of depression for when you’re mentally ready to answer such questions. 

Tbh, he’s a little insensitive with some of his questions, but that’s just because he doesn’t know any better. Correct him (politely) and he’ll make sure to be nicer with his questions. 

Not much changes dynamic-wise; Krel’s still your loving boyfriend, the same way that you’re still his loving significant other. 

He does make it a habit to compliment you every time he sees you. Whether it be a compliment about your looks, your school work, or even something as small as “I’m happy to see you today,” he really tries to boost your confidence in hopes that you feel better about yourself. 

He also tries to be around you more often, both to make sure you’re ok and to show you that he’s there for you. 

Krel becomes better at predicting when you’re about to enter a depressive episode. Having been around you for so long and now knowing what the warning signs are, he’s very good at guessing when you’re entering certain episodes (sometimes even before you know. Scary, huh?)

When you enter depressive episodes, Krel does everything he can to make sure he’s there for you, both physically and mentally. He will hold you close to him with all four of his arms while he listens carefully to what is troubling you. 

Krel still doesn’t quite understand the emotions involved in depression. Like many other people, he believed that it was just constant sadness, but the more he read and spoke with you about the matter, the more complex it all became. Sadness, despair, emptiness, fear, anger, jealousy, all emotions that he’s never really felt in full. Not to mention other even more nuanced emotions such as paranoia and shame that he’s actually never felt at all. 

Krel is also very good at helping you through mood swings. He’s come to understand that all humans fluctuate between many different emotions, sometimes in a short period of time. He knows when you want him close to you and knows when you want space. 

If you are someone who is very mature with how you explain how you’re feeling, -- like telling someone you’re mad at them, why you’re mad, and that you want space to cool off/talk with them about it -- Krel has an easier time responding to you. He’s much less likely to misinterpret your feelings and what you want. 

Krel actually learned how to vocalize his own emotions from you whenever he’s distressed or upset which definitely opened you two up for a much more healthy form of communication.

He just struggles with emotions in general, but he makes the effort to understand for you :)

TW: S//H, S//I

If Krel ever gets even a hint that you’re hurting yourself, his mental walls would fall and he’d collapse in on himself.

If there is someone who is threatening or hurting you, he, his sister, and Varvatos can easily get rid of them. If you are sick, he can help treat you until you are better. Even if you do something as small as scraping your knee, he can be there to put a bandage over it.

But yourself? He can’t protect you from yourself. He doesn’t know what to do and that scares him so much.

After what happened with his parents, he is very grateful for the lives of those he loves as he understands just how easily they can be taken away from him. He is afraid that one day you will be gone and all that will remain is him.

Krel would have found out about your self-harm either on his own or someone tipping him off about it. You just didn’t have it in you to tell him yourself. 

Krel then begins to really try and learn human medicine. He would spend hours reading medical articles, watching first-aid videos, and taking copious notes about everything he learns, even if it grosses him out a bit (organic organisms were never really something he was interested in before).

He tries to come up with other things you can do when you feel like hurting yourself; Drawing/coloring, writing, reading, playing games, anything that will distract you. He’s always sending you ideas especially when he’s not with you and knows how you’re feeling. 

And to both of your credits, your self-harm does lessen in both severity and quantity. But unfortunately, it doesn’t always help since old habits die hard.

Krel is there in an instant to help you when you relapse assuming you tell him you need help. Even if you decide not to tell him immediately and care for yourself that day/night, Krel almost always finds out sometime after and worries over you about it. 

His hours spent learning first aid pay off when goes to treat your wounds; Cuts, burns, bruises, bites, you’re convinced that Krel can treat any minor injury. And you’re grateful for that. 

Krel is thorough about disinfecting any open wounds with hydrogen peroxide or Neosporin over burns and is incredibly gentle when wrapping them in gauze. He likes to check on them every few days as well to make sure they’re healing correctly.

He holds you close to him afterward -- all four arms wrapped around you and face pressed into your neck/shoulder -- and begs you not to leave him. At first, you’re confused thinking he meant, like, break up with him. It isn’t until you give it more thought that you realize that he doesn’t want to leave him through death.

If you ever express feelings of guilt -- whether verbal or through body language -- Krel quickly dismisses them from your mind by telling you how he wants to help you and how much he loves you. That he wouldn’t bother doing all of this if he didn’t see anything of substance in you.

If you ever express a desire to die, -- whether through suicide or some freak accident -- Krel will look cool on the outside but on the inside, he will be panicking. As hard as he may try, Krel could never understand why you want to die. 

Even if you explain it to Krel -- Everyone and everything that troubles you and the awful guilt you constantly feel by just being alive -- he believes that there is always a reasonable and achievable solution to your problems. It’s not that he’s trying to downplay your problems or your emotions, he’s just naturally more of a rational thinker even under stress.

But even though he doesn’t understand the emotions themselves, he does understand that human emotions can elicit other undesirable responses and thoughts.

Krel will constantly tell you how much he loves you and that he doesn’t know what he’d do with himself if you were dead. 

He does what he can to push those thoughts from your head.

As written earlier, Krel likes to spend time with you in person. Not just because he loves you sm but also because it makes it easier to keep an eye on you and intervene when necessary.

Def says something along the lines of, “I’m happy you’re alive.” And the first time he said that you cried so hard he thought he insulted you lmao. You had to explain to him that you weren’t insulted but relieved and overjoyed. 

Krel is not the most emotionally intelligent person out there, but he tries to be and is willing to understand them for you.

When you had shown up at school with a busted lip, bloody and bruised knuckles, and a dull gash on your cheek, Krel freaked the fuck out. The moment he spotted you walking to your locker from his own locker he was all over you. 

“What happened?” Krel cried while gently taking your face into one of his hands while the other went to grab your hand.

“It’s nothing,” You mutter, pulling your face out of his grasp and taking a step back. Krel scoffed, looking almost offended while saying,

“Nothing? Nothing did that to you?”

“I just-” You start, raising your hands up in defense before dropping them at your sides, “I got in a fight with Steve. It was over something stupid. We’ve known each other for most of our lives; I just worry about him.” You cross your arms to hold onto yourself and look anywhere Krel isn’t. Krel moved his head so that it was in your line of vision, forcing you to meet his eyes. 

“I take it you don’t want to talk about it?” He asked. You nod ‘yes,’ and Krel frowns.

“I won’t push you then, but I really want to get you treated,” He says, taking a step closer to you. You stay where you are and allow him to hold your hands.

“Later, I’ll be fine for now,” You say while bringing up one of his hands to kiss the top of it, “You can have Aja or even Mother patch me up after school.”

Krel looks at your knuckle hesitantly before agreeing, trusting that you truly would be fine until after the school day.

The moment the last bell rang he made a beeline to find you and ran you to his house as quickly as possible. The two of you were the only ones home when you got there, so Krel wasted no time in having one of the blanks retrieve a first aid kit. Once given to him, Krel attempts to treat your injuries but fails pretty miserably. 

You end up showing him how to clean and wrap different kinds of cuts and bruises. It’s when you’re in the middle of cleaning your knuckles in the sink that Krel says something that makes your stomach drop.

“Mother, can you scan Y/N for any more injuries, please?”

“Wha-Mother! You don’t have to do that!” You shout panicked and covered your arms in a vain attempt to conceal your other injuries. 

“Numerous other injuries found upon Y/N in the upper arm, forearm, and thigh regions. Approximately 27 cuts to the epidermis and 3, 1st-degree burns found.”

“What!?” Krel turned around so fast to face you, you swear you saw his electric blue hair whip from the air, “Where?! I demand you show me!”

“No!” You cry back panicked, hands gripping the side of the sink behind you. Krel scowls and grows before shouting, 

“Mother, show me a hologram of where the injuries are on Y/N!” 

“My King-in-waiting, It would seem that I have breached a highly sensitive topic on behalf of Y/N. I believe it best that they discuss it with you themself.” Mother responds. Krel sighs, his upper right hand running through his hair.

“Y/N,” He starts, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m really worried.” He carefully walks over to you but leaves a foot of space between the two of you.

“Will you please show me where you’re hurt?” He asks quietly. Your eyes begin to burn with tears and your mouth opens to explain yourself before shutting quickly with a ‘clank’ of your teeth. Unable to speak, you place your hands into his lower ones, palms up, and nod your head. Gently, Krel’s other hands push your long sleeves higher up your arms, and he’s baffled at the numerous cuts he sees littering your arms. There were many different colors, thicknesses, lengths, and stages of healing -- some were a day old while others were weeks old. He ran his thumb over one of the older ones.

“Wha…” Krel stutters, eyes dancing over your arms, “What are these? What-Who did this?” His eyes flicker up to yours. 

Your jaw twitches -- wanting to speak but unable to -- and you pull one of your hands away from his to point to yourself. Krel’s eyebrows furrow.

“I-I don’t understand,” He whispers, his own eyes beginning to water, “I want to understand.” 

“I did this,” You mumble out, pulling your other hand away from his, “I am…ashamed.” Tears begin to fall and you scrub gently at your eyes to dry them.

“You-You did this?” Krel asks, confused and stunned, “You willingly hurt yourself? Why?”

You heave out a few breaths trying to figure out how to relay your emotions to him. While difficult to say, you manage to squeeze out three words.

“I hate-” You stammer, “I hate myself.” 

And Krel is immediately embracing you.

“I love you,” He says, cupping your face in his upper hands and staring into your eyes with his other two around your waist, “I love you so much. Please don’t ever say you hate yourself.”

Gently, he kisses your forehead, your cheek, and then your lips.

The two of you are left a sobbing mess of tender skin and emotion in the kitchen for Varvatos and Aja to find later when they arrive home.

[sylvan-librarian]

Nissa Revane, William Wordsworth, and Me

Introduction:

We are not isolated individuals but an interconnected web. Part of embracing green's philosophy is understanding the importance of how each of us figures into the lives of the others. Grasping the role this larger group plays is a vital piece in understanding how the world works. - Mark Rosewater: “It’s Not Easy Being Green Revisited” … Therefore am I still A lover of the meadows and the woods And mountains; and of all that we behold From this green earth; of all the mighty world Of eye, and ear,—both what they half create, And what perceive; well pleased to recognise In nature and the language of the sense The anchor of my purest thoughts, the nurse, The guide, the guardian of my heart, and soul Of all my moral being. - William Wordsworth: “Tintern Abbey” How wonderful there should be a thing we don't yet know. - Magic Creative Team: “Renewal” 

What do Nissa Revane, elf animist who had a good run in the 2010's as Magic’s iconic green planeswalker, William Wordsworth, nineteenth century British poet and the godfather of English Romanticism, and I, a mentally ill librarian who spends all his free time playing a children’s card game, all have in common? Not much, really. I’m neither a lesbian that wields earth-shaking magic nor am I the founder of a poetic movement that English majors still fawn over. However, thankfully for me, the human experience transcends time, gender, sexual preference, and even reality. There’s a lot to learn from both fiction and poetry, and I’m nothing if not a curious student. In particular, though, I’d like to talk about transitions. 

The past couple of years for me have been packed full of constant transitions: I had an emergency move away from the city I had built a life in, I finished a master’s degree in library science, and I began the long, arduous process of changing careers. Not every transition has been so traumatic, though, as I am also now in a joyful, peaceful relationship and have finally achieved a modicum of financial stability on my own terms.

Needless to say, these transitions have had me feeling introspective (even more so than usual), and I have found myself seriously wondering about my place in the world. That probably sounds dramatic (well, if the shoe fits), but as an elder millennial who was around to witness when the first acorn fell from the first tree and the first scene boy put on girl jeans to pair with his trucker’s hat, I honestly just kind of gave up on that brand of stability at some point; after all, I was fifteen on 9/11, nineteen and living in Louisiana when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and washed away whatever trust I had left in our institutions, and twenty-one when the Bush-era recession nailed my post-undergrad job prospects into a coffin. Of course, at the risk of sounding like I’m trying to appeal to your sense of pity, I’ll admit that today’s generation coming of age during Trump and and Covid have probably had it worse than I did and have also proven themselves much stronger and more resilient than I ever was, but nevertheless, a swirling concoction of circumstances and terrible mental health habits left me feeling for decades that I’d never have a place in the world to call many own.

All that said, in my attempt to carve out a life for myself and discover my role within my larger community, I started rereading Wordsworth, Coleridge, and Keats (the poets of English Romanticism were my favorite discovery as a literature student and some of the only writers I have carried with me beyond academia), since their poetry also dealt in themes of self-discovery, memory, and transition (also, their poetry is broody and navel-gazing - something I definitely relate with). However, as a Magic: The Gathering Vorthos with basic forest brainrot, I was also struck on this reread just how close my own experiences and the themes of the Romantic Poets mirrored how my favorite green characters from Magic fiction navigate their world. At first, I felt that this is fairly low-hanging fruit, since on the surface, themes like “finding yourself in nature,” “the rejection of social norms,” “celebrating your connections,” etc. are common enough to be found in all sorts of literature. However, the more I thought about it and connected the dots in my head, the more I realized just how much green’s themes in modern Magic fiction, particularly as expressed through Nissa Revane, helped me understand my own place in the world.

Indeed, while this essay grew out of the concept of tracing the similarities between Green Magic and Romantic Poetry (not the most riveting read for most of you, I’m sure), this particular tale kind of grew in the telling (to loot a phrase from Tolkien) until it became my own personal journal of self-discovery. If the entire m.o. of my online presence didn’t already give it away, my love of Nissa Revane - planeswalker, animist, green mage, icon - colors most of my thoughts about Magic: The Gathering, and this is no different. Compiling Nissa’s arc throughout Magic’s Story, synthesizing it with the things I love the most about the Romantic poets, and letting it stew around in my brain for the last year highlighted something of vital importance to me: the message, one that weaves its way throughout Nissa’s entire narrative, that personal growth means learning that the definitions I have held onto for my whole life - of myself, of other people, of even nature and the universe itself - are but a narrow, small part of a greater whole; that embracing healthy connection with the world around me and seeking to understand my place within it helped change parts of me that I thought were intrinsic to my very nature and helped me bloom into the best version of myself.

Part I: 

(me, trying to juggle graduate school and work)

Last year around this time, I found myself struggling. I was wrapping up my last full semester of my graduate program, failing miserably at balancing school and work, isolating myself from my friends because of how busy I was, and unhappy about living in Central Texas again after I swore I was done with the region. Throughout all of this, following Magic Story was a boon to my shocked nerves, though I rarely found time to follow it completely. It wasn’t pure joy, however, because as a result of stress mixed with the, at the time, untreated depression and anxiety, Nissa getting compleated - with “no way” of getting healed - during the “All Will Be One” story (not to mention that her tragic loss happened OFF SCREEN - the disrespect) severely bummed me out, so I tuned most the “March of the Machine” stories out to focus on wrapping up my semester. That is, I tuned it out until the final story, K. Arsenault Rivera’s “Rhythms of Life” was released in late March. Letting Chandra and a healed Nissa kiss at the end was a nice touch, but it was not for another month until we found out what happened to them after the climax of the Phyrexian stories.

When that month passed, however, on May 1, Grace P. Fong’s “She Who Breaks the World,” was released in tandem with previews for “March of the Machine: The Aftermath” products. Of course, I was going to like this story because I like Nissa and Chandra, and I have been a proponent of them being romantically involved since “Zendikar Resurgent,” but this story struck a deeper chord in me than I expected. I felt an immediate kinship with Fong’s representation of Nissa, a character who is also in a state of transition: in a place she doesn’t want to be, isolated from her friends and loved ones, and trying to redefine who she was after traumatic events left her floating listlessly throughout her world. 

The events of “All Will be One” and “March of the Machine,” after all, were Nissa’s darkest hours in a life full of dark hours. Her mind enslaved and her bodily autonomy stolen from her, Nissa was forced to do things in service to the Phyrexian matriarch Elesh Norn that horrified her. However, due to the nature of Phyrexian compleation — having her mind and body altered on a genetic level — she performed these actions in the moment with fanatical zeal, even pleasure. We are told in the first episode of the March of the Machine arc, “Triumph of the Fleshless” that Nissa “is the finest gift the Planeswalkers have given Phyrexia. Even standing at Norn's side, she can steer Realmbreaker's attention. To say nothing of her combat capabilities. If things continued at this rate she might overtake Tamiyo as Norn's favorite new servant.” Later on in “She Who Breaks the World,” while Nissa is reflecting on this, she notes that the alterations the Phyrexians made to her “granted her the ability to unleash a call through the branches of the Invasion Tree and speak the glory of Phyrexia to every plane in the Multiverse. And right now, Nissa is disgusted with herself because—despite her friends' sacrifices, despite Chandra's sacrifices—part of her misses hearing those planes.”

On the other side of these events, Nissa is mostly healed from what the Phyrexians did to her (outside of a metal cage imprisoning her chest and some scarring on her limbs where metal was grafted on), her mind is returned to her own control, and she and Chandra are finally sharing mutual love and affection instead of being mired in “will they/won’t they” hell like they had been for nearly a decade of Magic Story. However, the trauma of knowing, remembering, and feeling intimately all of the terrible things she did understandably leaves her feeling like an outcast among loved ones, and to make matters worse, she is now with a planeswalker spark, meaning she got depowered significantly and can no longer go back to her beloved Zendikar, her homeworld that she has a close intimate connection with. All this is to point out that Nissa finds herself in a spot where she has to completely redefine who she is. Nissa took great pride in being animist; now, she cannot hear the voice of the planes and her magic is basically useless. Nissa had previously discovered meaning for herself being a member of the Gatewatch: traveling the planes doing good where can and making connections with new worlds and interesting people; now, she is trapped on a plane that does not listen to her among people she very directly harmed when her mind and body were not her own. 

After a failed attempt to connect with the world of Zhalfir, Nissa begins to despair, believing that the planes have rejected her because all of the social connections she has made over the years. Nissa believes that “[s]he has spent so long connected to others that she has smothered her own connection to the Multiverse. Whether or not those bonds were made of her own volition, the planes have rejected her.” While she recognizes deep down, even if she can’t forgive herself for it just yet, that what happened while she was a Phyrexian wasn’t her fault, Nissa comes to believe that her original sin that led to this was in getting involved with the wider universe in the first place. She (and everybody who suffered from her actions as a Phyrexian) would be better off, she believes, if she had remained in her primordial, untarnished state of a champion of nature.

At this point in the narrative, Nissa’s experience reflects the way poets and writers of the Romantic Period mythologize their own world. Canadian literary critic and theorist Northrop Frye (a theorist who, truth be told, I disagree with in many respects, though his work on the Romantic Period is exhaustive and insightful) called this the “Romantic Myth.” In “A Study of English Romanticism,” Frye describes how the Romantic Myth delineates from traditional mythology:

In the older mythology the myth of creation is followed by a gigantic cyclical myth, outlined in the Bible, which begins with the fall of man, is followed by a symbolic vision of human history, under the names of Adam and Israel, and ends with the redemption of Adam and Israel by Christ. The two poles are the alienation myth of fall, the separation of man from God by sin, and the reconciling, identifying, or atoning myth of redemption which restores to man his forfeited inheritance. Translated into Romantic terms, this myth assumes a quite different shape. What corresponds to the older myth of an unfallen state, or lost paradise of Eden, is now a sense of an original identity between the individual man and nature which has been lost.

Ignoring, for a moment, the gender essentialism Frye uses, note how the lost Eden of the Romantic period was connection to nature itself. Joining society, spending precious hours having “dialogues of business, love, or strife” - all of these things are the sins that tear us away from our original, perfect self. William Wordsworth begins his “Ode: Intimations of Immortality” this way: 

There was a time when meadow, grove, and stream,     The earth, and every common sight,                        To me did seem                    Apparelled in celestial light,          The glory and the freshness of a dream. It is not now as it hath been of yore;—                    Turn wheresoe'er I may,                        By night or day. The things which I have seen I now can see no more.

To the persona of Wordsworth’s poem, this sense of identity was lost in childhood; in Nissa’s head, she “smothered her own connection to the Multiverse” when she started to value her connections to other people — Chandra, the rest of the Gatewatch, Yahenni, and many others she let into her life — at the expense, apparently, of the natural world. What’s left for her except to turn back to nature and attempt to find herself again?

Part II:

(Nissa's oath to protect the life of "every plane" plays a huge role in her identity)

What does “finding herself” look like for Nissa, though? To answer that, let’s look at a few different things. Here, we’ll examine Nissa’s place as a green character in Magic’s color pie and pick apart the ludonarrative elements in Nissa’s card designs that informs how she approaches her idea of self.

Nissa is the only planeswalker of the original five Gatewatch to have cards that branch out to other colors. At heart, though, she is a green character. Even though she has some blue elements in her personality (curiosity) and black (the ambition to make her ideals reality, whatever the cost), Nissa’s heart is “green to the very door.” 

In his near ten year old article, Mark Rosewater writes this about the philosophy of Green: 

The natural order is a thing of beauty and has all the answers to life's problems. The key is learning to sit back and recognize what is right in front of you. Each individual is born with all the potential they need. The secret to a happy life is to recognize the role you were born into and then embrace it. Do what you were destined to do. The world is this elaborate system, and each one of us gets to play a part. And it's not something we have to guess about; it's imprinted on us, it's in our genes. Just look within.

It’s very easy to see Nissa in the first paragraph: even though she is a warrior out of necessity, she too craves peace and acceptance and this is revealed in one of her favorite hobbies: meditating. Nissa’s animist powers (more on that here) let her reach her consciousness into nature itself so that she can just exist among the wonders of life. Take note of this gorgeous passage near the end of “Renewal,” the last story of the Kaladesh block:

There were rivers in the air; they carried her like a mote of pollen. Great hearts were pounding in the deeps of the sky, singing slow symphonies of joy. Wordless, they expressed the sun breaking over the edge of clouds; the sharpness of stars over frosted peaks; the awareness of a new life growing within, nestled and patient, waiting for its first breath of radiance. She drifted bodiless among the singers, listening. Back and forth they called, echoing across cloud and current, composing shared dreams of weightlessness, rain, and memory. An eye the size of a house blinked. Radiant curiosity washed over her, like the return of sunlight from beyond the edge of all things. There is something new in our sky, it sang in language of sensation and vibrance; quickened heartbeats and quivering muscle; caught breath and a hundred shades of blue. How wonderful there should be a thing we don't yet know.

Nissa is an expert at recognizing “what is right in front of you,” though due to her connection to nature, “right in front of you” could mean just about anywhere on the plane itself. 

To cycle back to Rosewater’s statement, however, it’s important to take consideration of the fact that a green character does not just treat the wonders of the natural world as a conduit for inner peace, they also believe that the “secret to a happy life is to recognize the role you were born into and then embrace it. Do what you were destined to do.” What does Nissa believe the role she was born into is? What drives her throughout much of Magic’s narrative?

To put it simply, Nissa believes that she is the champion of nature itself, the chosen one of Zendikar’s worldsoul. Whenever she planeswalks to a new world, she adopts the worldsoul of the plane as her own; the first thing she usually does when touching down on new earth is to attempt to connect with the soul of the plane. Throughout whichever story arc she takes part in, she usually comes to see herself as the voice of that particular world and acts as its champion as well.

Let’s take a look at the second Innistrad block, for example. Even though her role in this story is quite small, this template still applies. Jace, after unraveling the mystery of what was happening on Innistrad, goes back to Zendikar to fetch the rest of the Gatewatch to help stop the rise of Emrakul. As she planeswalks to the battlefield, the “hill rumbled slightly, the only herald of Nissa's arrival. She frowned as she knelt down, placing her palm against the ground. ‘The mana here is dark. Twisted. It's in the soil, the trees...Emrakul did some of this, but’…‘This is your first time to Innistrad, right? “Dark and twisted” is kind of a regular feature,’ Jace continued.” 

Presumably at some point later on in the story, on the flavor text on the card Splendid Reclamation, Nissa says “No matter how much a plane has suffered, there is a way to restore it." Of course, this line appears nowhere in the story, but there has always been a conflict between what has been written in Magic fiction versus what is printed on the cards. Furthermore, it’s possible that this card was a bottom-up design with the mechanics designed first and Nissa pasted on later since there wasn’t another “green character who cares about lands” present during the battle against Emrakul. Either way, Nissa comes across as a character who sees herself as the champion of nature.

Nearly all other stories Nissa takes part in give her a similar arc. In "Amonkhet," she is the first to identify just how sick and distorted the world had become under Bolas’s influence, and after a trial with the ibis god Kefnet, she ends up believing that she set herself up as a rival to Bolas, able to manipulate the leylines and the gods attached to them just as efficiently as the dragon. During :War of the Spark," in a move that would earn her the disgust of the Selesnya guild, she animates Vito-Ghazi, the home of Ravnica’s worldsoul Mat'Selesnya, in order to fight against Bolas and the zombified gods. In "Zendikar Rising," Nissa’s journey takes front and center, with her conflict with Nahiri ending with Nissa as the one true savior and liberator of Zendikar. Her brief stint during the "Brothers' War" side stories end with Nissa swearing an oath to Gaea, the worldsoul of Dominaria, to personally destroy the Phyrexians herself, no matter the cost. 

Even while she was a Phyrexian during “All Will Be One” and “March of the Machine” and her mind not her own, Nissa follows a similar arc, though a twisted variation: after her capture and transformation, Nissa becomes the voice of Phyrexia, as the card All Will Be One showcases, proclaiming the plane’s glory and, through manipulating Realmbreaker (likely the single largest and most powerful living thing in existence at the time), sending “Phyrexian perfection coursing across the Multiverse.”

You can certainly see Nissa’s confidence in her station as the champion of worldsouls multiverse-wide in her cards: “Nissa, Voice of Zendikar,” “Nissa, Who Shakes the World,” “Nissa, Ascended Animist,” etc. All of these designs showcase Nissa’s might as a master of land magic. Loyalty abilities on these cards almost always animate a land into a creature that can then fight alongside her. The most powerful variation of this ability was on “Nissa, Who Shakes the World”:

On a narrative level, however, what these abilities showcase is that Nissa during this era saw herself as less a friend to nature than a master of it.

Fast forward to the aftermath of the Phyrexian invasion and Nissa is in a much different place mentally, emotionally, and even physically. As Nissa struggles to (literally) bury the physical remnants of what the Phyrexians did to her body, she feels an immense sense of loss that stems from more than just guilt. Fong describes it this way:

[Nissa] felt cut off, lost in the Multiverse with no voice calling her home. Maybe no plane would hear her ever again. They'd all lost their sparks, but only Nissa still wanted to planeswalk. Even if her friends seemed to be moving on without her, she still cared about their happiness. So not wanting to bring down the spirits of their celebration, she excused herself.

I recall seeing a few half-hearted takes on social media after this story was released expressing frustration that Nissa spent so much time in this narrative grappling with the harm that was done to her rather than acknowledging guilt for the harm she inadvertently did to others. First of all, she clearly does feel guilt for the harm Norn wrought through her:

[Her] copper skeleton is covered in mangled spikes, and those spikes are covered in the dried blood of her friends. She rubs one, and dark residue flakes off on her fingertips. She wonders whose blood it was. Maybe Koth? Maybe Wrenn? Maybe Chandra? Chandra. She had hurt Chandra, almost killed her.

Secondly, exploring Nissa as a green character shows us that Nissa has lived her life believing firmly that she was alive for a purpose: to be the voice of nature and act as its most ardent champion. However, now worldsouls won’t speak to her and her magic barely works at all. Her spirituality that drives her and her magical might that allows her to act in service of that spirituality have been unceremoniously ripped away from her. Everything Nissa has ever believed about herself has come dramatically (and traumatically) crashing down.

Nissa is a character whose entire system of beliefs has now been obliterated by her experiences, and as mentioned in the previous sections, she believes it was because her original mistake was in seeking her identity in her relationships with people rather than with her relationship with nature.

I asked at the end of part one, what’s left for Nissa except to turn back to nature and attempt to find herself again? Perhaps, however, a more apt question to ask is what’s left for Nissa at all? Yes, she and Chandra are (mostly) on the same page about their feelings for one another and yes, she is alive and physically healthy (though weakened and scarred), but notice that even if Nissa despairs about what she has lost, she shows little desire to go “back” to nature. Even though she believes with absolute certainty that “the planes have rejected her,” she stays true to her duty as one of the stronger warriors left among the surviving Mirrans; when faced with decision to either explore the brand new omenpath or to help the survivors, Fong writes, “as much as Nissa loathes to abandon the portal, she knows Koth is right. As much as the war took from her, others have lost even more. They need to help first.”

Though separated by over two-hundred years and in different genres altogether, what Nissa is going through reminds me of what Wordsworth writes in “Tintern Abbey”:

I bounded o'er the mountains, by the sides Of the deep rivers, and the lonely streams, Wherever nature led: more like a man Flying from something that he dreads, than one Who sought the thing he loved. For nature then (The coarser pleasures of my boyish days And their glad animal movements all gone by) To me was all in all.—I cannot paint What then I was. The sounding cataract Haunted me like a passion: the tall rock, The mountain, and the deep and gloomy wood, Their colours and their forms, were then to me An appetite; a feeling and a love, That had no need of a remoter charm, By thought supplied, nor any interest Unborrowed from the eye.—That time is past, And all its aching joys are now no more.

You see, Wordsworth — like Nissa, like me, and probably like you at some point in your life — found himself in the late 1700’s grieving a deep sense of loss as everything he believed in came crashing down around him. Spellbound by the fervor of Revolution-era France, he lived on the continent for years and had a child with a woman he fell in love with there, but France’s tense political relations with his home country and the Revolution descending into the Reign of Terror forced him to return to Britain. Witnessing what he saw as his utopian beliefs plummet to irredeemable violence utterly broke him (on a personal note, I likely have a different view than Wordsworth on the merits of putting aristocrats to the guillotine, but that’s another essay entirely), and — like Nissa, like most of us — had to rebuild himself from the ground up.

What a relatable human story, right? As someone who is closer to forty than he is thirty, I have stumbled upon this crossroads multiple times in my life. Years ago, it involved disentangling myself from my evangelical upbringing and accepting the fact that, though my parents and (just to give them the benefit of the doubt) many of the religious adults who helped raise me had my best intentions in mind, instructing an impressionable, vulnerable, and anxious child that deep down in the center of his being he is evil and deserves eternal torment for the crime of being born was pretty fucked up. It took years of therapy, medication, and daily affirmations to finally feel good about myself. More recently, as alluded to, going through a tough breakup, wrapping up a master’s degree, and beginning the process of changing careers all within the span of roughly two years left me scrambling in my pursuit to create a new self to be a better fit for my new circumstances.

What choices did I make at this crossroads? What about Nissa or Wordsworth?

Part III:

The answer to that question is that the three of us (Nissa, Wordsworth, and I) all came to similar conclusions. This answer is two-fold, and I hope you’re not expecting some life-altering nugget of wisdom here, because — true to the heart of a green mage — the first lesson we learned is, quite simply, the art of acceptance: acceptance of the world that is, not the world that was or the future world our anxiety creates in our mind. Rosewater writes,

Green wants acceptance.

The other colors are all focused on how they'd change the world to make it better. Green is the one color that doesn't want to change the world, because green is convinced that the world already got everything right. 

There is, of course, something to be said for improving your circumstances — especially if the environment around you is toxic — and the relentless ambition to mold your life into one you are happy with, but in Nissa’s case, what she needed most was to accept that she was living in a different world than was previously. Bereft of the planeswalker spark that gave her a sense of purpose and traumatized by remembering what she did when her body and mind were being puppeted by the Phyrexians, Nissa finally comes to understand and acknowledge her new place in her new world. 

Early on in Fong’s “She Who Breaks the World,” Nissa attempts to connect her soul to the leylines of Zhalfir, but instead of basking in the orchestra of the planes, the music is drowned in all of the other songs that have influenced her, her tune “muffled by dozens of new, alien voices she recognizes and despises: the Eldrazi, Bolas, and finally, loudest, Phyrexia.” This leads to her belief that was discussed previously that her original sin was embracing human connection instead of remaining the voice of Zendikar’s worldsoul. 

However, at the climax of the story, Nissa shares this struggle with Chandra when the two of them are trying to fight their way out of an impossible situation. A wild, out-of-control storm elemental was threatening the Mirran survivors of the Phyrexian invasion, and Nissa and Chandra were defending the populace against it. However, the two of them are not working well together, and the elemental manages to capitalize on their poor tactics and absorbs copious amounts of steam arising from a burnt baobab tree to become a colossal being whose head caresses the sky. After they get trapped in a hole with no way out, Chandra suggests a plan of attack reminiscent of the channel-fireball combo the two of them used to destroy Ulamog and Kozilek all the way back in “Oath of the Gatewatch,” and Nissa finally admits to Chandra that her magic no longer works and expresses her deep anxieties about why: “‘it's like my voice isn't my own,’” she admits. “‘Like it belongs to Phyrexia instead, like everything I've ever connected to is drowning me out.’”

Chandra, however, does not see it that way. Choosing, for once, to think before she talks (a skill she no doubt learned from her years around Nissa), eventually concludes “‘you know … you have good connections, too.’” She continues:

‘It's true—you did bad things while they had you. But everyone you've connected with over the years with the Gatewatch, we're just happy you're still here. With us.’ Chandra sets fire to a chunk of moist dirt that was about to fall on Nissa, turning it into a soft rain of ash. ‘With me.’ For the first time since she awoke in Zhalfir, Nissa smiles. Chandra, sweet Chandra, even if she doesn't realize it, has always understood and explained emotions better than Nissa ever could. Chandra continues, ‘Your connections aren't drowning your voice, Nissa. They're changing it into something new, maybe something even more powerful. Infinite voices, infinite possibilities, right?’

What Nissa needed was not to perform some kind dramatic penance or to reject society for asceticism once again but to simply accept that the world around her had changed, that she had changed. This fact is hammered home by the next section: agreeing to try connecting to Zhalfir’s worldsoul again, 

Nissa closes her eyes. She retreats inward and listens for her inner voice. It's hard, much harder than before, but Chandra is dutifully helping her concentrate, blasting the falling rock away before it can reach her. Nissa is greeted by ringing deep in her ears, but she refuses to be deterred. With her connections in mind, she picks the static apart into unique melodies, the individual songs she picked up from all around the Multiverse. She arranges them, harmonizes them, and this time, when she calls to Zhalfir, her voice is amplified in chorus. She offers an apology. The plane answers. It too was cut off from everything it knew, from the connections it had made. It, too, was scarred by Phyrexia and is growing into something new. It forgives her, and Nissa can finally forgive herself. Magic floods her flesh, her blood, her bone. She hears Chandra laugh, delighted by their success.

It’s only through accepting that her life now is different from what is used to be, through confessing that her priorities had changed, through acknowledging that presence of others in her life had made her stronger, and most importantly, through forgiving herself for what’s she did when her mind wasn’t her own that Nissa is able to reconnect to the source of her magic and her joy. 

Nissa learns to reinterpret her world in a new way. This can be seen in mechanical elements as well. Most of Nissa’s planeswalker cards have her manipulating lands, either by animating them into creatures to be controlled or by fetching them from the library. Nissa, Resurgent Animist, however - the first time she has been printed as a creature since the flip-walkers of 2015 - does not do any of those things. The text on this card reads:

Landfall — Whenever a land enters the battlefield under your control, add one mana of any color. Then if this is the second time this ability has resolved this turn, reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal an Elf or Elemental card. Put that card into your hand and the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.

The act of playing a land during the narrative of a game of Magic is the act of a planeswalker establishing a mana bond with a certain place in the multiverse. ‘Mana bond’ is a term almost never used in Magic fiction anymore, but as far as I know, it has not been retconned either. Even if not explicitly stated, there are nods to the act of creating mana bonds throughout the tie-in fiction. Look at this section from “Nissa’s Origin: Home,” for example:

As they picked their way deeper into the marshland, Nissa formed a connection with it. She saw the beauty in the moss-laden trees, felt the magic in the mists that rose up from the brackish waters, and swayed to the song of the swarms of lion flies that circled them. She never would have believed a bog had so much to offer.

In the narrative of a game, this paragraph would simply read “Nissa plays a swamp.” Explicit or not, establishing a mana bond with a particular piece of geography means that the planeswalker can, among other things, draw mana from that place no matter where in the multiverse they are. This is why, flavorfully, a player can play Ravnica shock lands alongside Tarkir fetch lands: in the narrative of a game, your planeswalker avatar has gone to these places and forged a bond with those pieces of land.

To cycle back to the card, however, instead of manipulating the land itself, having Nissa, Resurgent Animist alongside the player allows them to, firstly, hypercharge their link to the lands they play, giving the player extra mana for the act of forming connections with lands. Secondly, the player forming connections with as many lands as possible in a single turn (two in this case) allows Nissa to discover other creatures to fight alongside them. Instead of being the champion of all nature, Nissa now fights alongside nature as an ally rather than a general. This makes it all the more fitting that according to the “Aftermath Set Design” article published last year, the original name for this card during the design process was “Nissa, Friend to Nature.”

The journey Nissa goes on lets her reinterpret herself from champion to friend, but celebrating things others consider dark and reinterpreting the world in a way to showcase its beauty was close to the heart of many Romantic Poets as well. In “To Autumn,” John Keats celebrates the season of change, a season so often characterized as a time of preparation and vigilance for the coming winter. Keats writes,

Where are the songs of spring? Ay, Where are they?    Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,— While barred clouds bloom the soft-dying day,    And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue; Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn    Among the river sallows, borne aloft       Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies

Keats argues that we should not characterize an entire season through the lens of humanity. Instead of pining for spring, we should live in the moment and appreciate what fall offers us. Similarly, Nissa learns to appreciate the current, sparkless season of her life with Chandra instead pining for the life that was.

Keats again argues this in “Ode to a Nightingale”; a creature poets often infuse with sadness is only that way, he argues, because of how it is interpreted:

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!          No hungry generations tread thee down; The voice I hear this passing night was heard          In ancient days by emperor and clown: Perhaps the self-same song that found a path          Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,                 She stood in tears amid the alien corn

 “Thou wast not born for death,” Keats writes, meaning that the nightingale is not infused with sadness by nature, but only because that’s the emotion humans have assigned to it. Nissa too learns to stop infusing her world with despair by labeling herself as powerless, damaged, and guilty, instead choosing to enjoy the moment she is in.

It is through accepting that age and experience has changed how he views the world that Wordsworth also is able to move forward. Instead of treating nature as his “all in all,” he writes,

For I have learned To look on nature, not as in the hour Of thoughtless youth; but hearing oftentimes The still sad music of humanity, Nor harsh nor grating, though of ample power To chasten and subdue.—And I have felt A presence that disturbs me with the joy Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime Of something far more deeply interfused, Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns, And the round ocean and the living air, And the blue sky, and in the mind of man

Instead of nature being the only thing in his life, nature is now simply one of the important things in his life, a feeling too that Nissa wrestles with. Instead of hearing only the song of the leylines, the worldsoul’s tune is now just one of many melodies she sings.

Acceptance is a song I too have been singing. As a staunch leftist, living in Central Texas is not particularly suited to me, and I have left here once before. Swearing never to move back, I moved away in the 2010’s for a relationship with a woman that ended up failing some years later. Financially desperate, broken emotionally, in the middle of a graduate degree, and not having anywhere else to go, I moved back to Waco to live cheaply, wrap up my online library science degree, and re-constitute my support network. It was not easy reacclimating to life here. Though I love the people I know in the area, I felt then and still feel now haunted by the ghosts of old memories, all of which had become flavored by loss. After I finished my degree in mid-2023, it did not get much better; even though I’d become ambitious and committed to looking for work elsewhere, the job market for librarians kept me here (entry-salary positions asking for five years of experience and all that). Note that for as much as change scares me, I had dared to face those fears and dared to dream only for it to come to nothing - not an uncommon story these days, I’m afraid.

Now, however, I’m working at the public library in Temple, Texas (close enough to Waco to commute) and settled myself down for the time being. Composing a new rhythm for my life has drastically helped heal the damage that almost three years of rejection, chaos, instability, depression, and anxiety wreaked on me, but that journey began, I think, with acceptance. I’m not currently where I want to end up, but despite what my anxiety and self-doubt tell me, that’s okay. I had to accept that this is where I am at in my life right now, confess that my ambitious priorities were probably going to be achieved at a much slower rate than I had hoped, acknowledge that people in my life made me stronger, and most importantly, forgive myself for the many mistakes I made over the past three years. Only then was I able to truly move forward. 

The second lesson we all learned was to embrace connection with people in our lives rather than reject it. In Nissa’s case, as previously alluded to, part of the process of accepting where she is at in life involved understanding that becoming part of the Gatewatch pursuing romance with Chandra had made her better and happier than she had been before. Once that hurdle was crossed, Nissa was able to come to terms with just how different Chandra is from Nissa in how she thinks, feels, and loves. Chandra tells Nissa:

I realized I can't just burn through any relationship I care about. Love leaves room for the other person to be who they are. I have to make room for you, too. I want to." "Like fire needs oxygen . . ." Nissa asks her final question. "You have room for someone who can't planeswalk?" "Yes. I'll make it. I will falter, I will be tempted, but I will make it. Fire's going to burn, no matter what you do, but you can shape it if you try. And I want to try. For you." Nissa thinks for a moment. Finally, she nods. "I can handle that."

Later on, Nissa describes the omenpath she ran into earlier:

“I think I can still hear Zendikar out there, strange and distorted, but possibly still out there. I could just be imagining it completely, but I think I would risk that unknown to see home again." Chandra nods firmly. "And I'll be walking right alongside you." Every Planeswalker can go anywhere they want, but Nissa recognizes Chandra's need to roam runs deeper than that. It's part of who she is, and part of what Nissa loves. So Nissa offers, "Maybe, after that, I wouldn't mind seeing more. As long as it's with you." Chandra breaks into a wide smile. "Let me be your torch, then.”

Compromise is an important part of any relationship, and through embracing change in her life rather than running from it, Nissa is finally able to compromise with Chandra in a way that should fulfill both them - something Nissa has clearly wanted since at least the Kaladesh arc (though I would argue these feelings began long before that). Pursuing connection and intimacy with Chandra at this crossroads allows Nissa to blossom into a much happier and more self-actualized character than she has been in Magic fiction so far. Once, back in “Renewal,” the last story of the “Aether Revolt” arc, Nissa - deep in meditation and basking in her connection with the worldsoul of Kaladesh - watches the birth of a new aetherborn and ponders:

How could she tell this new life to laugh and weep without reservation or regret; to sing to the stars and waters, or to nothing at all; to love unreserved and unguarded; to treasure every moment with those beloved; to forgive any regretted trespass; to dance when moved to; to savor long silences in warm company; to greet each dawn, each face with the thought, this will be an adventure; to be brave, and kind, and trusting, and... ...like Chandra.

Years later, Nissa has finally learned to be more like Chandra, and she is better for it.

For his part, Wordsworth famously had a great relationship with his sister Dorothy, and part of the change he embraces throughout “Tintern Abbey” involves reclaiming himself through her:

…in thy voice I catch The language of my former heart, and read My former pleasures in the shooting lights Of thy wild eyes. Oh! yet a little while May I behold in thee what I was once, My dear, dear Sister! 

Earlier in the poem, Wordsworth lamented that he could not “paint / What then I was.” In this passage, Wordsworth finally finds himself again through communion with his oldest and dearest friend.

As for me, I’m in a happy romantic relationship again after years of trying to rebuild myself. Additionally I've made friends with people I wanted to meet, and I’ve managed to carve out a small niche for myself in my own small corner of the world: I realized last summer that I thought about Magic: The Gathering in a much different way than many of my local friends do. As a game that occupies much of my social life and possibly more of my internal life, I searched for an outlet for these thoughts, and that led me here, where I’ve made good friends and joined an online community that I once looked at from afar. If you’re reading this, thanks! I’m happy to be here and to know you.

Conclusion

Relearning ourselves, redefining ourselves, and finding a place for ourselves is a journey most of us must embark, whether of our own volition or not. I’m certainly not a master of this process, so I’d like to leave you with the following thoughts:

One of the more, well, magical things about Magic The Gathering’s tie-in fiction is the fact that you could put just about any character from across the entire history of the game into a random number (character?) generator and the character that gets selected will be near and dear to some Magic player’s heart. In a game as wide and varied as Magic, there is a massive range of experiences portrayed throughout the stories that someone will personally identify with. I’ve seen communities big and small form around fans’ shared love of popular characters like Liliana, Vraska, Oko, and the entire concept of Phyrexians, but also less commonly known characters like Kallist Rhoka (who doesn’t even have a card) and less commonly liked characters (if we’re using loud people on the internet as a gauge) like Jace, Nahiri, and yes, even Nissa.

The biggest lesson I learned from my time as an English major (whether my professors meant for me to learn that is another thing entirely) was that there is no such thing as good and bad literature; there is just literature. Magic story has varied in quality drastically over the years, but one of my main reasons for writing this piece is to emphasize that Magic fiction has a place in the world of literature. It’s not likely to be studied by English students decades from now, but that says nothing about its ability to delight, upset, soothe, and even instruct those of us who enjoy it.

As for myself, I’m eternally grateful to writers who have picked up the task of writing Nissa over the years, because even when she is written poorly (ignoring that one instance where her characterization was butchered beyond recognition), I see much of myself reflected in her deep sense of conviction, in her struggle to express true feelings to people she loves, in her obsessive loyalty to those she lets into her life, in her adoration of the natural world, and even in her love of music. More specifically, I’m especially grateful to Fong and the story team behind “March of the Machine: The Aftermath” for giving me exactly the right Nissa story for exactly the right time in my life.

Whichever omenpath you personally are crossing through, I hope that you find what you need to come out of the other side of it happy, healthy, and ready for the next adventure.

References

Davidson, Nik. (2016). Battle of Thraben. 

Fong, Grace P. (2023). She Who Breaks the World. 

Frye, Northrop. (1968). A Study of English Romanticism.

Humphreys, Dave. (2023). Leading March of the Machine: The Aftermath Set Design 

Keats, John. (1819). Ode to a Nightingale.

Keats, John. (1820). To Autumn.

Kreines, Kimberly J. (2015). Nissa's Origin: Home.

Magic Creative Team. (2017). Renewal. 

Rivera, K. Arsenault. (2023). March of the Machine | Episode 1: Triumph of the Fleshless. 

Rosewater, Mark. (2015). It's Not Easy Being Green Revisited. 

Wordsworth, William. (1798). Lines Written (or Composed) a Few Miles above Tintern Abbey, on Revisiting the Banks of the Wye during a Tour, July 13, 1798. 

Wordsworth, William. (1807). Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood. 

[sgiandubh]

Hello how are you? I follow several shippers' blogs and I noticed that every now and then some bloggers publish hateful messages they received. My question is about mental health: how do you deal with it? I understand that your presence here is relatively recent, but have you ever regretted something?

Dear Mental Health Anon,

This is the kind of submissions I welcome with all my heart, because they are benevolent and witty. Forgive me already for what I suspect will be a long answer. It is not the pleasure of hearing me talk that prompts them, but the sincere intention to answer deserving asks as clearly, fully and honestly as I can.

The short answer is : I am fine, Fall is slowly coming and nights are starting to be really chilly. There's some light rain tapping on the roof of my flat and I will spend my week-end wandering around some of my favorite places on Earth. And now, onwards to the consistent and interesting ask of yours...

The worst trolling message I have ever seen in this fandom is the one I am immediately going to post below, because I think it should serve us all as warning and reminder. It was posted on a blog I have been reading from the beginning of my long lurking days on Tumblr: @cb4tb is one of the most balanced and articulate people in this corner of the Internet. I remember being shocked by its cold and very coherent violence. The feat of a casebook sociopath, who thinks her asks in Spanish (I am 200% certain about it) and who has an appalling command of English grammar. Written on Christmas' Eve and on purpose:

Compared to the alarming slander @cb4tb got (whatever for is a mystery, she is non conflictual and posts very witty business insights) on a day that should be completely taboo for every civilized human being (you don't need to believe in God to respect one of Christianity's most important celebrations), whatever hate I could get in here is definitely subpar. Most of it did not make it on my page and went straight to the bin. But it's not always easy: I am as human as you, Anon, and sometimes I feel personally insulted and revolted by the smugness and pettiness of it all. However, I must immediately add their hate never made me give up an inch of my convictions. They are the result of a long interval of watching and pondering, coupled with my own observations I gladly share with like-minded women all around the world. That often hits a nerve or bruises overinflated egos on the Other Side. So be it: I am not here to be meek and obedient, if I never was meek and obedient in real life. I am here to bring clarity and build trust, which incidentally resonates very closely to what I do for a living. That probably rates me as a moderate on the shipper spectrum, in the sense that by complete design I put aside some divisive topics I firmly chose not to discuss. I am not interested to bring attention on me, in here, and the least thing I'd like is to be a vector of discord. So that would also rate me as a peacemaker of sorts - and yes, that sounds perhaps pretentious, but I believe it is needed, especially now.

I only felt a clear intention to threaten me twice, both in DM. The first time it curiously came from one extreme fringe of the shipper community and I brushed it off, because it was an empty, almost ridiculous threat. I politely denied and that was it - two persons blocked me and there were no other consequences to it. The second time, an anti came to confront me on an irrelevant point, with a very aggressive undertone. I blocked and almost forgot about it. If you have it clear enough in your mind that such things cannot be avoided and, at the same time, you know that your own moral compass is not compromised, these details will not affect you. At all. I confidently promise you that. Last but not least: if you are not great with compartmentalizing, don't step in the arena. It can seriously ruffle your self-esteem and it's not worth it.

So this is how I deal with it: I focus on what I have to say (does it bring something new? interesting? positive? thought-provoking?), on the way of saying it (above all, be kind and gracious to every other shipper) and on the right moment to say it (only when I am honestly sure I can do it with no unwanted consequences). But I will stand in solidarity with any shipper (any single one of them) who is humiliated, belittled or disparaged, with not a single shred of fear in the world. And I would also fend for myself if necessary, if I am getting over-the-top slander: all the other yapping, I ignore. Sometimes (often, even) it's more interesting to watch.

And if anything else fails, I go for a long drive and have a coffee at the seaside or simply open a book or listen to some Bach or call Someone. Or take this little big guy out for a lazy walk in the park:

You ask me if I regret anything. Absolutely not. I have received more than I could ever give, in here. I have met spectacular women and men, I have grown very fond of and feel very close to. I have had the immense satisfaction of sharing their secrets, their worries, their plans and this means trust, in my book, for which I will never tire saying how grateful I am. I also strived to respond in kind and I mean to honor this unwritten contract. Last but not least, I have watched this community slowly dusting off months of sadness and perhaps starting to open up again.

And all of this makes me damn proud of who we are, Anon. Thank you for dropping by! You are always welcome on my page.

[withlovewriting]

All I Ever Knew, Only You 16: Silent Night

Chapter Sixteen.

Footsteps without a sound, I'm coming home to you, Snowfall blankets the ground, It covers the ugly truth, Things that we hide from view, I get tired around this time, But I will try to make things right, Bring your arms around me fast, Warm my bones and fill my glass, God, I hope this year's better than the last

Summary: Hawkins was your typical quaint, mid-western town where nothing ever happened. People were born here, lived their entire lives within the town limits, and eventually died here, peacefully in their sleep. But one cold November evening in 1983 would change everything.

Despite a child with psychokinetic abilities and ravenous monsters that lacked faces, stranger things had definitely happened in the small town in Indiana. One of them being your reluctant and slightly imposed friendship with Hawkins High’s own King Bee, Steve Harrington.

Characters: Steve Harrington x Non-descriptive F!Reader (eventual)

Words: 6,867

Chapter Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of past childhood trauma, underage drinking, wintertime fluff. I think that's it. Also barely proofread because I really just wanna get this chapter out so apologies in advance for any mistakes, feel free to let me know.

Series Warnings: Strong language, mentions of underage drinking, mentions of drug use, canon-typical violence, mentions of alcohol abuse, mentions of possible mental health disorders, child abuse, slow burn, kinda enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, I like to call it ‘two idiots who begrudgingly befriend each other only to realize… ‘wait a damn minute…’, eventual sexual content, canon-typical time-period bullshit. 18+. Minors DNI.

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Taglist: @kezibear

Chapter Sixteen: Silent Night

Winters in the Midwest could be dire. Freezing winds rattled your bones and burrowed deep inside them, leaving you to feel their effects for days on end, and cold, wet snow that you often believed you'd sink right through, ending up in the middle of the Earth.

Yet despite the frosty weather, Hawkins in the winter was often referred to as picturesque with all the charm of the Walton's Christmas movie. But you were yet to see it. To feel it.

After the accident that viciously stole your sister from your life, followed shortly by your father's sudden exit, your mother had never really bothered with the holidays again, and maybe a bare Christmas tree in the living room would've been a more painful reminder than no tree at all. Either way, you couldn't remember much about the holidays when your sister was alive, but you were more than aware that there was a version of your family before, and a version after.

But you did come close to feeling it, just one time.

When you were around 9, you had been invited to spend the day at the Holland's home, where Barbara's mother watched you both through the window as you made slightly crooked snow angels, a poor excuse of a snowman that even had a carrot for a nose and a hat and scarf lent to you by Mr. Holland, who was warming up some hot cocoa as his wife whizzed around the kitchen, warm chocolate chip cookies cooling on the side as she hummed along to her Andy William's Christmas record.

It had been a peaceful few hours, and you knew deep in your soul that this was what Christmas was supposed to be about. In the company of loved ones; singing and dancing, and enjoying the time off work and school. Freezing your bones off during a snowball fight, only to warm back up with hot drinks, and a warm bath before bed.

But it didn't last long. Despite the promise of a warm, filling meal, your mother had turned up, tugging at your arm and half dragging you back through the snow as Mrs. Holland rushed after you both with your coat in hand. Your mother would then drive back home, half-cut and full with a mixture of annoyance and nostalgia. You knew what it was now, of course, but back then, your brain couldn't begin to understand how awful a thing grief was, and what it could make people do, make them say.

Hopper had tried once, not long after he'd called an end to the relationship with your mother. But you had been sure that the man wanted nothing to do with you, despite his turning up with a poorly wrapped gift on Christmas Eve. You'd stared at him for just a moment before shutting the door in his face and leaving him to the wrath of your mother should he insist on knocking again, silently pleading that he would. That no matter how many times you slammed the door in his face, or glared at him across the wobbly kitchen table, he would fight for you.

But he didn't, and you couldn't blame him for that, just as you couldn't be blamed for your fierce loyalty toward your mother.

Eventually, however, you would always find yourself awaiting her inevitable drunken slumber, covering her with a blanket before sneaking out into the dark winter night.

The coffee in the police station tasted like dirt, but it was hot, on tap, and most importantly, free. So you'd make your way there, too worried to drive the car in case the engine managed to wake her, and like clockwork, Flo would hand you a bitter cup of coffee in a slightly chipped white mug and send you through to Hopper, who would already be boring you with some spiel about how it wasn't safe for you to be out walking in bad weather conditions.

You'd watch the snow fall from his office window as he huffed and puffed through the night, claiming he couldn't tell you about any of the 'cases' going on in town, due to their confidentiality. That barely lasted an hour, however, and soon the man would be offloading his annoyance about how Mr. Gillespie had threatened to sue Mr. Caulfield because he'd cut down some overhanging branches from his tree, the latter claiming he would have to rake his garden twice a week because of his neighbor's overgrown tree. Hopper grumbled that they would be lucky if he didn't chop the damn thing down himself.

He had moved to New York to get away from these damn small-town problems and make a difference in the world. Yet, here he was, filing paperwork about how Mrs. Gillespie — he was beginning to think their family was the bane of all his problems — wanted to sue the park for an owl that had mistaken her hair for a nest and began to attack her, which with the amount of hairspray she used, he couldn't blame the damn animal. You wondered if now Hopper missed the quiet, tedious days before Hell opened up and spat out a couple of monsters.

But the Christmas of 1984 was different.

Your mother's meal remained plated up — but by this point, stone cold — on the side and you figured if she awoke and suddenly developed some respect for herself and her taste buds, she could help herself to your still-boxed meal that you just didn't have the stomach for.

You'd returned to your bedroom, a headache gnawing at the edges of your scalp as you considered whether or not you'd be able to get away with turning down the volume of the TV as your mother slept, spread out on the lumpy couch — you did pay the electrical bill that month, after all — when a loud knock echoed through the house, causing you to leap up from your bed and rush to the front door before the perpetrator had the chance to do it again, most likely waking your mother.

Almost ripping the door off its hinges, your glare dwindled to nothing more than a cocked brow as you came face-to-face with Eleven. A thick, heavy jacket hung from her small body and you could tell from how new it looked that she had received it that morning as a gift from Hopper.

“El? What are you doing here?”

Her smile was sweet, full of childlike excitement, and you wondered if this was her first real Christmas with gifts, visitors, and carolers. Even after escaping the lab, her first Christmas in Hawkins was in hiding with Jim. Same bird, different cage. But now… She had been officially adopted by Hopper — forged adoption papers be damned — and was able to experience a real family Christmas for the first time. You couldn’t help but wonder if Hopper's gift-wrapping skills had improved, and how burned was the turkey?

El's eyes darted toward the parked vehicle out front, “Hopper and I came to collect you.”

“For what?” You questioned, dumbfounded.

“It's Christmas,” Eleven grinned, wide and winsome, as if you were a total idiot.

Your rehearsed excuse was already sitting on the edge of your tongue, and you were fully prepared to turn the girl down no matter how shiny her puppy-dog eyes were, but the words that came out of her mouth next shut you down quickly, “We're going to have a real Christmas dinner together. Hopper said that's what real families do.”

Gnawing at the inside of your cheek, you willed your eyes to not well up as a lump crawled its way up your throat, threatening to expose you for the sad, lonely, and unloved girl you really were. The same six-year-old girl who wept for her mother to wake up as she was starving on Christmas day. The same 9-year-old girl who had felt a glimpse of being wanted before her mother cruelly dragged her backward through the snow in her friend's front yard. The same 15-year-old who wandered through a town much more dangerous than she'd ever know, heading toward the yellow, dingy lights of the police station, toward the only person in her life who had shown her that she meant something to someone. To anyone.

Peering toward the man of the hour, you found Jim watching the scene before him with his window rolled down as he leaned out into the cold, winter air, “C'mon, Kid. Turkey ain't gonna baste itself.”

You didn't mean to slam the door in the poor girl's face, a small gasp falling from her lips that could be heard through the wooden door as you stared at it for a moment. Spinning around, you grabbed your jacket and hat from the wonky coat peg, haphazardly throwing it on before rushing toward your room, knees aching as the floorboards creaked under them as you blindly searched for the wrapped box you'd hidden under your bed a few weeks ago.

Returning to the hall, you took a few cautious steps inside the living room. Your mother remained steadfast in her drunken slumber, snoring almost drowning out the TV, and you took a moment to decide if you really could leave her, but a timid knock on the front door made your decision for you.

El's hand was raised high, but her attention was focused on a concerned-looking Hopper as you pulled the door back open. Moving past her frozen body and closing the door quietly behind you, you eventually settled on her, present under one arm as you held out your other hand to her, “The driveway gets a little slippery in the snow.”

You passed by the snow-covered trees slowly, Hopper's cautious driving surprising you for a moment as he hummed along to the radio. El had seemingly not taken a breath since the moment you'd entered the car, telling you all about her day so far, and how Hopper had bought her gifts but wouldn't let her open them until after he'd drank at least two cups of coffee. You hated to interrupt her, but you couldn't help slamming your hand on top of Hopper's seat, the man jumping as you pulled him from his bubble.

“Can we stop somewhere first? There's something I need to do.”

Hopper's tires barely kicked up any snow left on the long driveway, and you assumed it had already been shoveled for the party the family no doubt held the evening before.

The boy's room faced the pool at the back of the house, so you had no option but to knock on the large red door, trying to blink away the memories of the last time you'd done this, Barb and Nancy beside you, before everything had turned to shit. Well, shittier, you supposed.

You wondered how the Hollands were fairing this year, another year without their only daughter, who was now laid to rest in the cemetery in town. You'd have to visit them, you decided. No matter how awkward and uncomfortable it was for you, Barb's family had been there for you in times when no one else had.

For a moment, you wondered if anyone was even home. It was a large enough house that maybe they couldn't hear a simple knock from a few rooms away, but eventually, the door opened wide, another familiar memory of Steve Harrington appearing in the doorway, his eyes roaming over you with the same perplexity that it had just over a year ago. Only this time they softened much sooner, despite the confusion that still clouded them.

“Uh, hey.”

“Hi,” You swallowed, face pinching in embarrassment as you stood on the boy's doorstep awkwardly.

“Is everything okay?” His brow pinched, eyes roaming over you once more and only settling back into place when he realized you were uninjured, nodding like a damn bobbing-head doll in a car.

“Yeah, no. Everything's… It's fine. I just…” taking a deep breath, you couldn't fathom why your heart was beating so loudly in your ears. Maybe it was because of your audience, the piercing stare of both Hopper and Eleven making your face feel much too warm in the cold weather, or maybe it was the fear that Steve very well could reject your offer.

You were friends, you both knew that by this point. And friends hung out, as you often did. But Christmas was a time for family, as El had told you, and here you were, about to ask him to ditch his parents to hang out. It felt silly to be so worried about something so trivial, but you couldn't stop the pounding in your chest.

“I know you're probably busy, but, uh… I was just wondering if you had any plans tonight.”

Steve watched you for a moment as if waiting for the punch line of a joke that he would inevitably be the butt of, but as the silent seconds passed and you visibly became more self-conscious, he finally realized you were not joking.

“Oh, uh… I'm not doing anything, actually. My parents are still pretty hung over from their party last night, but… Yeah, I can do, you know… Whatever.”

A loud honk of the Chevvy caused you to startle, turning quickly to send a glare toward its owner, who continued to watch the scene in front of him, unbothered by the lack of privacy he was giving you both.

“You wanna join us at Hopper's? He's threatening everyone with food poisoning if we don't, so…”

Steve had already eaten, his parents serving Christmas dinner closer to lunchtime, but he couldn't find it in himself to refuse the invitation. Last year, he had spent his Christmas Eve at the Wheeler's residence and although he was coming to terms with the fact Nancy and Jonathan were now definitely an item, he couldn't quite shift the loneliness that he felt, a year later, laying on his bed and throwing an old baseball up toward the ceiling repeatedly in silence as his mother rested in her room, his father locking himself away in his office, claiming he had unfinished work that just couldn't wait one more day.

“I could eat,” Steve nodded, a small smile creeping onto his mouth as he watched yours do the same.

You felt as stuffed as the turkey that was sat atop the small dining table. It was a squeeze to fit you all around it, you pretty much had El sat on your lap for the majority of the meal, but as you collected the plates, you felt a warm, full sensation in your chest that you hadn't felt before, and couldn't blame on your second helping of mashed potato.

“Leave it, Kid. I'll do it before bed.”

Ignoring Hopper's protests, knowing that he damn well would not do the dishes before bed, you continued toward the small kitchen, pilling the plates on the small draining board as El joined you to scrape the leftovers into the trash can.

Hopper was already sprawled back against the armchair, legs wide and pants unbuttoned as he turned his attention to the TV in front of him, despite the volume being too low to hear much.

“Uh, thanks for letting me join tonight,” Steve cleared his throat, his back a little too straight to be at ease as he sat on the small couch.

“Wasn't my idea,” Hopper took a sip from his bottle of Coca-Cola before resting it back onto his jean-clad knee, “Kid wanted to stop by.”

Steve nodded, his eyes flitting toward where you stood scrubbing the stubborn gravy stain from the pot as El blew some remaining bubbles at you from a plate. Flicking some of the water in her direction, Hopper's attention turned toward you both when he heard the younger girl gasp lightly, her eyes wide as a smile stretched across her face.

“Hey, girls, don't start-”

Hopper's words were futile as El dipped her own hand into the sink before flicking the dirty water back at you, reveling in your hearty laugh that he wasn’t sure he’d ever really heard before.

“Not with your parents tonight?” Hopper questioned, his eyes finally settling on the boy who sat to his right.

“Uh, we hung out this morning. Dad had some work to finish up though…”

Hopper watched as the boy ran his hand through his hair, his eyes on the TV, but he could tell Steve wasn't really paying attention to the movie. He hadn't had much of an opinion on the Harrington boy before, originally passing him off as another old money, trust fund kid who rebelled against his parents until he'd eventually end up with a life just like his father's.

The irony wasn't lost on Jim as his own father — the old Chief of Police — flashed in front of his eyes, brows stern before letting out a dejected sigh so loud he was sure the whole town could hear it.

“Well, she's glad you could make it.”

“Yeah, me too…” Steve nodded, an awkward, tight-lipped smile sent the Chief's way before his eyes slowly trailed back towards where you stood next to the younger girl.

“So, since someone didn't have any ingredients to make a pie,” you began, a side eye sent Hopper's way, “El came up with the brilliant idea to make our own dessert.”

“Eggos?” Hopper sighed, rubbing his stomach. Only moments ago he was certain his stomach would burst at the mention of food, but now… Well, a sweet treat didn't sound so bad.

“Eggos,” El confirmed, perching on the sofa and taking a large bite from her first waffle.

Bringing a plate over to Hopper, he took it with a grateful smile as you returned to the small kitchen. Steve mustered the energy to push himself up, joining you only a few feet away from his previous seat, “I'll, uh… I'll help.”

“You're the guest,” you began, “and I think I can toast a couple of Eggos without burning the place down.”

Steve huffed, an amused smirk pulling at his mouth as he cocked a brow and all but snatched the box from your hands, “Just accept the help, for my sake. I think if Hopper glares at me any harder I'll be the one being set on fire.”

Leaning against the small counter, you watched as he went about heating the waffles before eventually plating them up. Standing side by side, you chewed in silence, eyes darting from the small TV to Steve every so often.

“I'm sorry for dragging you out on Christmas day just to sit and eat Eggos in a cabin in the middle of the woods, but I'm glad you're here.”

Steve stopped mid-chew, quickly swallowing the bite of waffle he'd only just shoved into his mouth, “No, no, it's uh… It's been nice, you know? I was only gonna watch some lame movie on my own anyway.”

The moment of silence that passed between you was briefly interrupted as childlike giggles from El filled the room, watching as Uncle Scrooge McDuck made amends with the Cratchit family. Your eyes softened slightly as you watched the young girl who could barely peel her eyes away from the TV set.

“Are you, uh, going to Lewensky's New Year's party?” Steve asked, his head tilting toward you slightly as he lowered his voice, all too aware of Hopper's not-too-distant presence.

The scoff fell from your lips before you'd even realized, “I'm sure my invite got lost in the mail. Plus, after last Halloween… high school parties really are not my forte.”

Steve's eyes dropped to his feet at the mention of Tina's last party, the memory of Nancy's drunken, harsh words was still a wound that was slowly scabbing over, “Yeah, yeah I get that.”

Taking a deep breath, you placed your plate into the sink and focused back on the boy who had since last year, had his life completely turned around. He'd lost more than you'd originally presumed, but because Steve had money, you had felt that no matter how bad Steve's life got, he would never have to steal for food, bundle up in every warm outfit he had just because he couldn't afford to warm the house or pick up extra jobs to keep a roof over his head. He would always have a sense of security that couldn’t be taken from him.

But Steve had lost parts of himself along the way. Some good, some bad. But looking at the sinewy boy standing next to you, you knew it was for the best. From his asshole friends who kicked him down as soon as he slipped from the top rung of the school hierarchy ladder to Nancy, the girl who had somehow stopped his straying eye and made him believe in love, despite breaking his heart along the way because she fell in love with a boy who wasn't him.

But now, Steve had gained friendships that didn't depend on what he could do for them, or how popular he was. They were no longer transactional and instead relied on how much they cared about him, and how far they were willing to go to keep each other safe. And even if you assumed it would feel like a consolation prize to the boy, Steve now had you and your unwavering loyalty, even if your friendship had originally felt like a slow-building, forced-together situation. He had saved your life multiple times now, and eventually, one day, you would both come to the realization that you had both in fact, saved each other.

“You never told me what happened at that party. Why everything seemed to go to shit after it.”

Steve's plate joined yours in the sink, and he was grateful that he'd already finished his waffles, as his stomach sank and he lost any type of appetite he'd had left, “I should, uh… I should probably get going.”

Biting the inside of your cheek, you couldn't help but feel like an asshole. It had been less than two months since whatever went down with him and Nancy at Tina's party, and here you were, pick, pick, picking at his wounds because of your own curiosity. Nosiness. Inability to just let things lie. You sent the boy a strained smile which he returned before pushing himself away from the counter and toward the small living room,

“Uh, we're gonna head out. Thanks for dinner though, Chief. I had a great evening.”

Hopper's brow raised as he turned his attention toward you, then back to the boy, “It's late, I should drive you home.”

Before you left, you handed El the small gift-wrapped present, watching as her eyes lit up like the Christmas tree in downtown Hawkins. With a quick nod of reassurance from you, she began to tear off the paper, a large smile covering her face when she pulled out the cassette tapes from the old, wrapped shoe box, eyes scanning over the black and white picture of Bryan Adams. Only a handful were new, most being your old tapes, mixed tapes you'd made or been gifted by Jonathan throughout the years, hours worth of music she could discover,

“Now you don't have to listen to the old man's music.”

“Hey,” Hopper warned, despite his voice holding no real offense, “Nothing wrong with a bit of Jim Croce.”

“I'm not saying there is, unless, you know… you're a thirteen-year-old girl.”

“Right, that's enough out of you. Go get my keys.”

Once school had broken up, December always seemed to move slowly. The days blended together, and if not for work, you wouldn’t know what day it was. The arcade opened back up on the 27th and your manager was all too aware that with the children off for the holidays, at some point, the parents would get sick of them and send them out for the day, and most of them would make their way to the warm arcade. You’d managed to pick up an extra shift or two, thankful to be working with Keith and not Andy, the latter all but begging you to pick up his New Year's Eve shift. So you’d made your way to work, finishing just after 10. Keith could be an absolute pain in your ass when he wanted to be, but you couldn’t deny that he did a better job closing the arcade than Andy did, and actually did his fair share of cleaning, meaning you were able to get home quicker, especially with the boy dropping you off as the snow had started to fall once more.

Now you’d been back home for a while, you’d settled on your bed intending to read before bed, yet here you were sat staring out of your bedroom window, a book opened, but otherwise untouched as it remained perched on your lap. The snow finally settled, peaceful and undisturbed and you wished you could drown out the noise of your mother’s television show, — Happy New Year, America — the volume turned up so loud that it managed to drown out her incessant snores. You wondered if it was something she did in an attempt to drown out whatever turmoil she’d dream about, but with the amount she drank, did she even dream anymore? Or was her mind as dark and lonely at night as it was in the day?

The red lights from your alarm clock flickered, 11.32pm, and soon the town of Hawkins would ring in the New Year, the rest of America following behind shortly. People make resolutions to work harder, eat healthier, attend more aerobic classes, and only cheat on their wives with their secretaries on Tuesdays and Thursdays evenings. Promises to themselves that would be broken by the first week of February.

All you wanted was a quiet year. You didn’t need a pity party, but your life up to this point, had been difficult, to say the least. Since 1977 your resolutions have mirrored wishes. Hopes and dreams for the next year, akin to what you might’ve wished for when blowing out your birthday candles if you’d ever had a cake. A peaceful 1985, with no interdimensional monsters lurking around the corner, or curly-haired mullet-wearing Californian boys who wanted nothing but trouble. Or whatever the hell had possessed Will.

Blinking a few times, you tried to focus on the book and lifted it from your lap as if that would help, but the words were simply blurring into one big, inky mess on the page. Closing your eyes tightly, you pushed your face into the open pages of the book and let out an exasperated groan. Of course, you could’ve just gone to bed, woke up on January 1st, and continued your life as usual, but something forced you to remain awake. You needed to see this year through, right until the end, even if just to prove to yourself that you had survived it.

You couldn’t wait to see the back of 1984 and hoped the door did, in fact, hit its ass on the way out.

Releasing a long sigh, a cold shiver ran over your skin, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps, and the unnerving feeling that you were being watched caused a thick, tense air to settle around you, leaving you almost too scared to remove the book from your face, frightened to catch a glimpse of whatever was waiting out there waiting, observing you.

At best, it would be a peeping tom, but at worst? Well, wouldn’t it just be your luck to enter the new year with the same monsters you were hoping to permanently leave behind, chasing you into 1985? If there was no rest for the wicked, you’d hate to think of what you did in a previous life, something so heinous that karma had crossed over into this one, haunting you still.

A sharp knock against the glass forced your body into movement, the book flying from your hands and into the direction of said sound as if the old, worn copy of ‘A Room of One’s Own’ that you had yet to return to the library would suffice against any kind of intruder.

But before the book could clatter to the floor, dislodging some of the pages that were already clinging on for dear life, your eyes met those honey-colored familiar ones, the boy jumping at the collision of the book, only inches from his face despite being protected by the glass that separated them.

Releasing an annoyed huff of breath from your mouth, you pushed yourself from your bed and all but stomped toward the window, cringing as it scraped and squeaked against the windowsill.

Swallowing down your embarrassment and finally feeling your heart slow down, you sent a glare to the boy, one he happily returned.

“What the hell are you doing here, Harrington?”

Scoffing, the boy’s frown deepened, “You’ve got a hell of an arm, you know that?”

“Oh please, the window was closed. I probably did more damage to my book than I would’ve to your face.”

The crease between his eyebrows smoothed out as he took you in. He’d asked Nancy about the flashlight incident of 1983 after overhearing part of your conversation whilst you comforted his ex-girlfriend in the Holland’s bathroom, being told all about your ability to throw inanimate objects into the face of your enemies. Turns out, it was a habit — or rather, a reflex — you’d be taking into the new year with you.

“What are you doing here?”

Rolling his eyes, Steve placed an arm through the window frame, trying in vain to move you aside, “I was at Mark Lewensky’s party, and it totally sucked. Can I come in? It’s freezing-”

“My mom’s home,” you told him simply, as if she wasn’t out cold, sprawled across the couch. But your mother had been very clear about boys being in her home without her knowledge. It was just a shame she didn’t care as much regarding the men she brought home.

With a cocked brow, Steve watched you for a moment before bending over to grab something on the snow under your window, eventually holding up the bottle of cheap alcohol he’d swiped from the party before taking his leave, “I brought a gift."

You considered the boy for a moment, eyes glancing toward your alarm clock, still sitting pretty on your nightstand, the red numbers almost taunting you in a way you couldn’t describe.

11.46

If you really wanted to, you could easily send the boy off, tell him to go home, or even just go sit in his car and drive around town, and he’d do it. You could crawl into bed, pull the covers up over your head, and pretend that this whole year didn’t happen. Or, you could ring in the new year with some shitty vodka warming your belly, and a friend by your side. A friend who looked just as finished with 1984 as you were.

“Just… give me a second, alright?”

Furtively, you grabbed your denim jacket, hat, and blanket from your bed before shoving on a pair of sneakers and clambering out of your window, causing Steve to fumble backward to avoid getting headbutted. Recovering quickly, Steve helped you down onto the soft snow, now sullied with the prints from his shoes.

“C’mon,” you mumbled, closing your window a little more in an attempt to keep your bedroom at least mildly warm before grabbing the sleeve of his jacket and wandering toward the back of your house where the slightly splintered trellis sat against a wall, reaching up far enough that you were able to climb onto the slight slope of your roof.

Steve, however, looked much less certain, worry evident in his quizzical eyes as they moved from you, to the trellis, and back to you,

“It’s fine, Steve. I’ve been climbing this thing since I can remember.”

Grumbling under his breath, Steve not-so-nimbly started his own ascent, arm high in the air for you to grab the bottle until he eventually settled in next to you on the blanket. It wouldn’t stop the cold snow that you’d half-scraped off the roof eventually leaking through, but it was at least a little more comfortable.

After opening the bottle and taking a long sip, Steve handed it toward you, watching as you gulped down a mouthful of the drink, face screwing up just as his own did moments ago.

“So, why’d the party suck?”

Steve accepted the bottle when you held it out to him, taking another large gulp, “It’s just not my scene anymore, you know?”

“Wow,” you huffed out a fake laugh, “never thought the day would come when the Keg King of Hawkins doesn’t want to party.”

Steve rested the bottle in his lap, fingers picking at the peeling label, “Yeah, well, you’re the one spending New Year’s alone with your face in a book. Literally.”

“And somehow, I was still having a better time than you were.” You shrugged, sending the boy an impish smile.

You both remained quiet for a moment, but you could feel the awkward tension that had settled over you back at Hopper’s before you’d left. You and your big mouth had ruined a good evening, and you couldn’t help the heavy feeling of guilt that had settled on your chest since.

“I’m sorry about Christmas, you know? Bringing up the whole Nancy thing. It’s not my business and I shouldn’t pry. And I’m sorry for bringing it up now, too. I just… I felt bad.”

Steve sighed and took another sip of the drink before handing it back to you, his eyes remaining focused on you as he took a deep breath, all too aware that you were looking anywhere but at him now. He hadn’t been avoiding you since the awkward end to Hopper’s Christmas meal. You’d been busy with work and he… Well, he had been sulking in his room alone for the most part. But he’d come to the realization at the New Year’s party that he really didn’t have that many friends, even back when he was swanning around the school like he owned the place.

And maybe, being open and honest to someone would help him move past the shit he’d dealt with this year. Maybe it could help… Maybe you could help.

“Nancy was uh… She was really suffering after losing Barb. And I knew that a part of her blamed us for what happened. Whilst she was being dragged off to… whatever that place is, we were, well, you know…”

Steve ran a hand through his hair, not bothered that he was slightly messing it up, “I just didn’t realize how much she blamed us. Blamed me. She uh, she said everything was bullshit. That our relationship was bullshit. And when I asked if she loved me…”

“She was drunk, Steve. She didn’t know what she was saying-”

“No, I uh… I asked her at school the next day. She was pissed because I didn’t pick her up that morning, and I asked her. I begged her to tell me she loved me. And she couldn’t, because she didn’t. She didn’t love me, and I don’t know if she always knew that, or just realized it then. And then I… Jesus, I went around there like a total jackass, with roses and I was gonna apologize, you know? Because, she can’t help it if she doesn’t feel that way, and I shouldn’t push her into saying it, but… She’d disappeared with Jonathan. And I don’t know what happened between them, but… I mean, they started dating right after, so, I kind of guessed then that we were over, for good this time.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

Steve huffed a small laugh, but there was no humor to it, “You got nothing to apologize for.”

“I know, but… I was an asshole to you. And even after all that… You still made sure I was okay that night. Still protected us all at the Junkyard. I just… I didn’t know you were dealing with that.”

“Well, some things are a bit more important than my shitty love life, I guess. Being torn apart by a bunch of Demo Dogs being one of them.”

You placed the bottle back in his lap, placing a hand over his once he took it, “I can’t begrudge Nance for finding happiness with Jonathan, you know? It was kind of obvious from the outside that there was something between them. But you didn’t deserve that, Steve, and I’m sure Nancy knows that, too. She deserves to be happy, but so do you. And hell, it’s not like you’ll have any trouble finding someone else to warm your bed until then. You’ll be just fine, Harrington. I’m sure of it.”

“That night… With Billy-”

Shaking your head, you stopped him before he could finish his sentence, “We don’t need to go there, really. I’d prefer it if we put it down to being drunk and stupid, or lonely and desperate… whatever. It didn’t mean anything, and I knew the kind of guy he was, I really shouldn’t have been surprised.”

“He was an asshole, and I’m sorry about the rumors about us, well... you know.”

Finally, you met his dark, honey-colored eyes, “That’s not on you to apologize for. But I am sorry if that didn’t help shit with Nancy. And for what I said to you after… About, not wanting to hang out or be your friend. You looked out for me when I really needed it, and I threw that back in your face. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s cool,” Steve smiled, the warmth of your hand still lingering on his skin even after you pulled your hand back, “I mean, there is a way you could make it up to me.”

Your brows drew together almost comically fast, dropping slightly as you sent him a suspicious glare, but when you remained quiet, Steve took it as his chance to continue,

“You could help me study for my exams. I mean, I’m not expecting to do well, or anything, but… I still wanna graduate.”

“You know I usually charge for tutoring-”

“Yeah, that’s not how apologizing works though, is it?” Steve smirked, a playfulness in his eyes that you hadn’t seen in a while.

A silence passed between the both of you as you took turns passing the bottle around, small sighs and scrunched-up faces as the drink burned your throats on its way down.

“Do you think this year's gonna be better? I mean, as in no more monsters crawling out of the Hell’s asshole that is Hawkins?”

Steve’s eyes returned to you — despite keeping yours front and center — and you could feel their laser-like focus roam over your side profile as if he would find an answer that would pacify the both of you etched on your skin.

“I think,” Steve seemed to choose his words wisely, “we’ve all been through enough shit to last us a lifetime. We’re owed at least one good year, right?”

A small bubble of laughter erupted from your chest as you finally turned toward the boy, “I think that’d be the bare fucking minimum, Steve. And those kids, you know? They deserve to just be… kids. Instead, they’re fighting against interdimensional monsters and god knows what else El and Will have been through.”

“Maybe this town’s cursed, you know?” Steve shrugged, taking another sip from the bottle.

“Do you think you’ll ever leave?” You questioned, specifying once Steve raised his brow, “Hawkins, I mean. Do you think you’ll ever get out of here?”

“Well, I don’t think I’m gonna get into any out-of-state colleges.”

“No, I mean like… forever. Do you ever just want to pack up a bag and let this shitty town swallow itself whole?”

Steve’s eyes softened as you peeked back at him, fingers fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket, “I guess. I don’t really have anything keeping me here. But… I don’t know. It pains me to say it but... I think I’d miss the little jerks too much. God knows Dustin wouldn’t survive five minutes unsupervised- Oh, hey, look-”

A fountain of light filled the sky, quickly followed by a loud crack as the fireworks spread across the sky, followed by another explosion of color.

You watched the lights as they forced colors into the night, breaking apart the dark sky before fizzling out and falling back down to Earth.

Steve called your name softly, watching as you turned your attention toward him, “Happy New Year."

“Happy New Year, Steve.” You replied, taking the bottle from his grasp with a small smile before returning your attention back to the sky, hoping the cheap vodka would wash down the nauseating panic that crawled up your throat as the sky split open once more, bright reds against the dark navy sky, looking as though it was ripped apart at the seams, and you half expected a monster to fall out of it.

[kyleraynermybeloved]

One Of A Kind -Chapter Three

Pairing: Kyle Rayner x Batsis!Reader Summary: Meeting a new friend and secrets being spilled is certainly one interesting way to spend a day. Warnings: Pregnancy, morning sickness, swearing, Christmas mention, fluff, slight angst Word Count: 4.7k A/N: The beginning is a mess but I hope y'all enjoy it! I'm going to pump out some more stuff before I go on vacation in August! OOAK Masterlist

“So, what originally brought you to our humble abode?” You placed the grocery bag on the counter in front of you. The three of you were still standing in the kitchen, a little closer now the initial shock washed over.

“You can thank this one over here. Left his comms on when once he came back, fortunately for him no one was listening, well besides from me. I caught everything up until you went deep into your history before the connection finally ended.” Guy sent a look to Kyle, shaking his head slowly. “Now, I figured I should probably meet this mystery person I’ve heard so very little about for myself. I was lucky you two live together, otherwise that would’ve made my trip a little harder.”

You let out a long sigh, mentally reminding yourself to have a talk with your apparent careless husband. “Okay, I can get behind that.”

Kyle sent a nervous look towards you, shuffling closer hesitantly. “Darling, honey pie, light of my life, you’re taking this all very calmly. Does that, perhaps, mean you’re not angry?”

“Oh, I’m furious with you,” You tried to keep your voice steady as you moved away from his reach. His face dropped slightly at the motion. “But I’ve also kept things from you that I should have told you sooner, so I guess this puts us on some slight even footing. And just so you know, this does not mean you’re in the clear. This is my life you had been reckless with, the life I tried so hard to keep safe. If this was anyone else, we both would be in more danger than you know.”

Tears were pricking your eyes and the nausea was setting in, your stomach fluttered as the rush of emotions became overwhelming. “Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go throw up and when I come back I expect the both of you to be ready to leave for lunch. This is non negotiable.”

You turned on your heel and dashed to the guest bathroom, slamming the door shut as you barely made it to the toilet before the contents of your stomach spilled out. You whimpered as the heaving became too much all too quickly. Resting your forehead against the cool seat felt heavenly for your heated skin, waiting for the next wave to come. Fortunately it never came. The room no longer felt like it was spinning so that was a win.

After a few beats nothing else came up, the queasiness had eased up some.

The knock on the door startled you. You called out weakly for them to come in, you were taking your chances on it being Kyle since Guy had looked like he wanted the Earth to swallow him up whole when you left.

The door opened and you were met with the familiar green eyes you’ve come to long for and love. His face was stoic but quickly softened at your crumpled figure.

“How are you feeling?” Kyle spoke softly, kneeling down, gently rubbing your back.

“Like shit,” you said flatly, leaning into him with a grumble. “I think this week takes the cake of being terrible. It feels infinitely worse than the weeks before. I don’t understand how someone can be this sick during every waking moment of the day?”

“Do you want to stay home for lunch then? I could send Guy out.” He suggested.

You hummed, doing a mental check of your physical state. “No, I think it would be better to go out. I’m going to feel sick regardless so might as well make the most of it.”

“Okay,” He blinked, eyes filled with emotion. You could tell he wanted to say something so you sat patiently for him until he was ready. With a sigh he continued, “I’m sorry I wasn’t careful. I was just so focused on getting to you before anything terrible happened, the last time you had gotten sick I almost lost my mind when you had to be hospitalized. Honestly, I couldn’t handle another repeat.”

You turned in his arms, pulling him close in a hug, his arms wrapped tightly around you as if afraid you would crumble if he let go. “My love, listen to me. It's okay. I turned out okay in the end. More than okay, really. And before you say anything, you already know I would do everything in my power to not let that happen again, especially to you. I made a promise that day at our wedding I would never leave you, that no matter what we’ll always have each other.”

“But I could have put your life at risk. I should have known better. If something were to happen to you- gods, and the baby! If something happened to the both of you I could not forgive myself. I’m sorry I did that to you both.” Kyle croaked out. Your heart nearly broke at the sound.

You knew where this was stemming from, had been there to pick up the pieces that were threatening to shatter completely, caring for a nearly broken man trying so desperately to stay afloat. How one man could deal with all that trauma and still manage to smile and care for you every single day, you didn’t know. You were glad you were there in time before it became too much for him. Had been alongside him to mourn the loved ones he had lost.

“Look at me,” You pulled back to cradle his face in your hands, thumbs brushing over his cheeks, his hands found your hips. “I’m not gonna lie, I was more than scared when I found out the comms had been left on. But it appears that luck was on our side since it was your best friend who was on the other side, a person who I trust by the way.” You said with certainty. “That being said, I know with my whole being and soul that you would never mean harm to either of us. I trust you completely. So don’t get lost in that wonderful, beautiful head of yours.”

“Thank you.” Kyle smiled. You could see thoughts were still swirling in his head, you know this conversation would be continued once you had no more guests.

During that time you pulled him in to give a peck on his nose, which he wrinkled in a grimace. “And as much as I love you, I’m asking you politely to rinse your mouth. Your breath is gnarly.”

You let go with a laugh, smacking his arm. “You ass!”

“Get washed up, lovey.” He placed a kiss on the crown of your head and got up, helping you in the process as well. “We’ll continue this later, let’s get back to our guest who’s awkwardly waiting for us.”

“Oh yeah, I don’t think I made such a good impression. Go ask what he’s feeling on eating, I won’t be more than a few minutes.”

He left with a small pat on your butt. Remembering what a coworker once said about not brushing your teeth after throwing up because it grinds the acid into your teeth, you rinsed thoroughly with water followed by mouthwash. Doing another rinse of both you figured you could do a quick brush now.

It probably wasn’t the best idea but at least the mint flavor replaced the offensive one that had been left in your mouth. It also helped ease the sick feeling that clung desperately to you.

The boys had picked a place nearby the apartment to walk to, they had been chatting your ear the entire way there. Of course, you wished you had offered to drive since the weather had gotten worse, the snow now in huge piles on the sidewalk making you put in more effort than needed to trudge through it.

Thinking about it now, there are only three more weeks until Christmas comes. You had forgotten all about it, too caught up with work to begin shopping. You’ll have to find a day when Kyle was out to go get gifts.

Not wanting to chance it again when you had been called in three days before the holiday last year, the two of you hadn't made any plans ahead of time, not sure if there'd be any last minute assignments given.

The diner had been tucked away towards the end of the block, it was small and gave off a warm, cozy vibe. You picked a booth in a corner, away from the windows with you near the wall and Kyle at the end, Guy sat across from the two of you.

You were trying to decide on getting either soup or sandwich for the better half of ten minutes, your efforts on choosing one was futile because you ended up ordering both

It was Guy who pulled you out of your thoughts. “I’m curious to know how he managed to score a date with you.”

With a mischievous glint in your eyes, Kyle knew what you were going to say first.

“He managed to spill his coffee all down my shirt.” You said with a shake of your head, forcing off a smile to feign the look of disappointment.

“There’s no way he did that, holy shit! And you still gave him the time of day?”

“Well, I was the one who actually asked him out. He was too shocked by what had happened, it was really cute. I like to think he fell for my charm, pun intended.” You laughed.

Kyle let out a groan, hiding his face in his hands clearly embarrassed. Guy groaned at your awful pun, if you could even call it that. But you were very pleased with their reactions.

The full brunt of nausea had returned when the food arrived but you managed to push it down and force food into you so you at least had something in your system. Kyle glanced your way, noticing the change in your demeanor and took your hand in his, rubbing comforting circles onto the back of yours.

“We went out for a date the week after the first, which turned into having dates once a week, which turned into two dates a week after a month, and then three dates a week. Eventually he wouldn’t dare part with me.” You said between bites.

“We've been together for five years now, going on six real soon.” Kyle continued. You hummed, leaning into his shoulder.

 “The first three years we dated, it was interesting to see how it lasted since I was going on and off world for most of the beginning. Coming clean to her helped tremendously,” Kyle noted happily. “And these last two years have been amazing since we married.” The pure joy was evident in his voice.

“What’d you think when he kept leaving in the beginning?” Guy asked you, clearly interested in your thoughts.

“It wasn't as noticeable to me because I travel a lot for work. We were lucky I had that week off, otherwise I don't think none of this would have happened. But his cute charms and loving personality made it worth it.”

“Gross.” Guy faked gagging. “What do you do for work that keeps you traveling?” 

You had been expecting that question to come up. But you wished it had come up later. Looking at Kyle who shrugged, suggesting it was your decision to tell him the truth. You decided on something in the middle.

“I work for a security company, traveling wherever I'm needed to provide my services.” It wasn't the whole truth but it also wasn't completely a lie.

Guy seemed pretty surprised at your job, not expecting that from the cozy nature of your look. “That's pretty neat. Do you stay in the country or do you also travel internationally?”

“Most of the time it's international but the most recent trip was actually here on the east coast. I was happy with the lack of jet lag that accompanies my trips.”

The three of you let the conversation die down to eat your food. The faint music playing from the speakers added to the comfortable atmosphere. It felt like you were catching up with lifelong friends rather than meeting up with your husband's brother for the first time.

“Not to bring up the elephant in the room but does Bats know about you two being together?” Guy asked wearily, looking back and forth at the two of you.

You tensed at the question, shifting uncomfortably in your seat, suddenly more interested in shoving your food around, no longer with an appetite.

“Actually, no.” Kyle coughed. “As far as I’m aware, they don’t know about us.”

“They don’t.” You confirmed coldly.

The air became thick at your tone, sensing this was a topic you did not want to talk about, Guy quickly changed the subject.

“Uhm… Have you guys got anything for the tiny lantern?”

Like a switch had gone off in your brain, your body relaxed against the seat, a soft smile on your face upon hearing the name.

“Tiny Lantern?” You asked.

“Y-yeah. The kid is gonna be a lantern if I have any say. Ring or not, we’re family.”

“Oh, fuck I think I’m going to cry thats so sweet!” The overwhelming emotions began pouring out, tears streaming down your face.

“Wait, no! Don’t cry!” He panicked and looked at Kyle for help, who was equally as flustered and confused as he was.

A small sob came out, you gulped down your water trying to stop the tears from continuing. You really didn’t know why it affected you like this, you were normally amazing at keeping your emotions in check. That’s a lie, you knew exactly why.

“It’s not that, it’s the hormones.” Wiping your tear stained face you sucked in a deep breath hoping to calm down. “Don’t worry about it, I'm fine. They’re happy tears, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kyle gave your hand a squeeze, comforting you and turned towards his friend with a smile. That seemed to relieve him. “To answer the question, no, we haven't gotten around to any shopping yet. Well, apart from the prenatals and vitamins she needs to take now. I think that had been our next stop once we dropped off the supplies at the apartment.”

Your breathing had evened out, no longer crying. It was a little embarrassing but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care, your energy now low. That seemed to be another lovely symptom you’ve acquired in the past month, remembering how you felt after your last mission.

“Maybe after a nap?” You suggested with a yawn. “Or perhaps you two could go while I nap?” You were exhausted, possibly due to the whiplash of emotions during the entire time here.

“Of course, let me pay and get some containers for us. I’ll be right back.” Kyle scooted out of the seat and walked to the counter.

The both of you kept quiet, not really sure on what to say.

You broke the silence, “I want to say that I’m normally not like this. I’m usually much calmer, not really a crier.” Not sure why you felt the need to explain yourself but continued. “Sorry I scared you earlier, it’s been a pretty harsh week for me.”

His face faltered for a moment, “Somehow, I don’t doubt that. I apologize for bringing up an unwanted past. I don’t know how long it’s been since you last saw your family but they’re different now, if it makes any difference.”

You sent him a knowing look. Of course you know how your family is doing, you’ve kept daily tabs on them since you left the manor that day.

It was one of the conditions of your new life and job that your boss let you have complete access to anything regarding them. Both in and out of the mask, although you're the only one with access to that knowledge.

“The things Kyle told me about you when you were in the bathroom makes you out to be a strong and loving woman. I don’t doubt that one bit. You’re good for him, he’s much happier than before and I know it’s thanks to you.” Guy sat back in his seat, sent a warm look to Kyle and turned back to you.

Your heart warmed and you felt lighter. Like a tension had been released from your shoulders. Looking into his eyes you only saw comfort and admiration shining through.

“Thank you, I know you mean so much to him too. I’ve heard and seen the way you treat each other like family, it’s of great importance to me having you out there with him keeping each other safe. Just know you’re always welcome to stop by, whether that be for him or to crash. The door is always open for you.”

There was a faint blush that crept up his neck. “Thank you, that means a lot coming from you.”

“Any time, although I do have one request… actually two requests for you.” He motioned for you to go on. “First, if you could keep us, me and the baby, a secret from the others, just until we’re ready.”

“That’s understandable, don't even have to ask.” He smiled.

“You might want some background information for the second favor. I have this friend of mine, a kid that I look after whenever he’s in town, actually his entire family are friends of mine.” You rambled on, taking a moment to breathe. “Anyways, he crashes with us from time to time, but is a little weary of strangers. So, whenever you’re here around the same time as him, if you could possibly ease up and maybe… give him space. Just so he doesn’t freak out.”

“That’s certainly something.” He chuckled. “But I’ll be on my best behavior, since you asked so nicely.”

Wishing you could believe it you knew better than to hope for a miracle. You knew with the two of them together they'd end up destroying the whole apartment complex. Billy had confided in you that you Rayners and his family are the only people who know about his identity, but that doesn't mean he'd stop being his chaotic smack-talking self around Guy. The less they interact with each other the safer your home will be.

Kyle came back with a few containers and you all quickly filled them before heading out, you hailing a taxi to avoid the cold before the two could oppose.

*****

You woke up much later in the day, the sky was dark but that was expected in the winter. The smell of food welcomed you, no longer feeling sick for the time being although you knew it would be a matter of time before it returned.

Making your way out of the bedroom there were bags littered along the hallway, leading to the living room where you found Kyle and Guy sitting on the floor reading instructions with parts on the floor in front of them

“Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes.” Their heads shot up in your direction, surprised at your arrival.

“Hey sleeps, you’re up! There’s a dinner plate on the counter for you,” Kyle nodded towards the kitchen counter where there was a steaming plate of food.

You crossed the room grabbing the plate and walked back sitting on the couch closest to Kyle, judging by all the pans on the stove top he made dinner for all of you. He gave your calf a quick squeeze for his own comfort, fingers lingering.

“What are you two building?” You asked in between bites.

It could have literally been anything. The random parts on the floor didn’t give you any clues at all, whatever container they had been in was gone as well. Kyle and Guy shared a look, having a silent conversation while you ate, looking between the two of them perfectly content on waiting them out.

Guy spoke first, “It was supposed to be a surprise for when you woke up, a gift for the tiny lantern.”

“It’s a crib for our little bean,” Kyle continued eagerly with a grin. “It’s the same one you were looking at online, you’d mentioned wanting it and I thought we might as well get it now.”

Looking over at the parts in front of you it slowly clicked together. It should have been obvious from the start but your sleepy baby brain hadn’t booted up when you had looked at the familiar soft gray pieces all laid out for them.

“You do know we still have like another seven months until our bean joins us, right?” You asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, but I was a little eager and Guy suggested it was a good idea to get started with the big stuff early on rather than wait until you’re farther along.”

Guy held up his hands, “Woah! I didn’t do anything, you’re just easily suggestible.”

“No, you’re the one who put the idea in my head.” Kyle bickered back.

You chuckled into your food. Kyle smiled up at you before turning his attention back to Guy who was smirking at him. It was obvious to Guy that you and Kyle were completely in love with each other, he was glad his best friend was happy.

“Well, thank you both for the amazing gift. The only thing we need to do besides building this is to figure out where we’re going to put it.” You said.

“Are you not turning the guest room into the nursery?” Guy asked you both.

You shrugged, “We only found out three days ago we’re expecting so we hadn’t really thought that far ahead. I mean it would be smart to do that but what about when we have guests staying over?”

“Maybe we could let our little bean stay in our room with us so they’re within reach, and we keep the guest room as is, at least for now.” Kyle suggested.

“I think you might need to invest in a larger home, this apartment is gonna get cramped real soon. You have some time to decide but don’t put it off at the last minute.” Guy piped in.

“It honestly wouldn’t be a terrible idea to get a bigger place,” you agreed. “We do have a stable and good enough income to go looking. Alright then. I’ll leave you two to build, I have maternity shopping to do.” You got up and loaded your plate into the dishwasher.  “Babe, do you know where my laptop is? I think I misplaced it again, I couldn’t find it when we got back from lunch.”

He mumbled instructions to Guy then turned to answer you. “Yeah, the rascal asked if he could use it for the weekend to do a school report so I dropped it off. You can use mine, it should still be charging on my bedside table.”

Of course your unofficial son was borrowing your laptop, this shouldn’t be news to you. You did your best not to trip on all the bags that were still placed around the hallway floor, making a mental note to inspect their contents later. 

For the time being you made yourself comfy on the bed with the laptop in your lap, you had some shopping to do since it was getting more difficult to squeeze into some of your clothes. Everything was slightly snugger than they normally were but in due time nothing would fit.

Time must have flown by quickly because a very exhausted looking Kyle walked in, shutting the door quietly behind him. You weren’t sure if it was the pregnancy spurring on your feelings but he looked downright beautiful. His hair was a tousled mess, half-lidded eyes struggled to stay open, and his pout was too cute. “Were you able to find anything good and comfortable? Should I be worried about fighting off wandering eyes when you look gorgeous in whatever outfits you got yourself?”

“Only found a few things but since I have no clue what I’m doing I bought them in different sizes and I’ll return whatever doesn’t work. As for fighting off others, I’ll handle that myself but you can do as you please,” you closed the laptop as Kyle got on his side of the bed, setting it aside and gave him your undivided attention. “So… are we good to talk about it? Our situation.”

“If you’re asking if the walls have ears, no– we’re good. Guy barely made it to the spare room before he passed out. Damn crib took all our energy. It was impossible to put together.”

You let out a laugh scooting closer to Kyle, he pulled you both down so you were laying down with your back to his front where he could easily wrap his arms around you. He let his fingers rub away any lingering discomfort that came with the stressful day.

“I want to start off by apologizing for not telling you about my past sooner. I mean, we’ve been married for years now and the only thing I told you was that I had left my old life behind and took up hiding behind this new person I created. It wasn’t right nor was it fair of me to do that while you gave me everything and more.” You sighed, placing your own hands on top of his.

“Believe me when I say I knew what I was getting into when I decided to marry you. Your job alone requires you to erase your existence both in the virtual and physical world, it’s a miracle we ran into each other when we did otherwise I wouldn’t have the love of my life in my arms right now,” Kyle gave you a gentle squeeze. “You can say I don’t know anything about your past but don’t you dare say I don’t know anything about you. I know your favorite color and how you try to keep something on you that closely matches it.

“I know your eyes light up whenever you get to a good part in a book. I know how after a bad day of work you love it when I get a bath ready and have dinner prepared so all you have to do is wind down and relax. And I know that when I get too overwhelmed and start panicking you’re always there to bring me back to reality and calm me down– how you’ll drop everything to come to me to do it. These are all the little things that piece you together, the only things that matter. I don’t care that you hid that part of you but I would love nothing more than to learn about it when you’re ready and when you’re willing.”

It was incredibly hard to keep the tears back but your sniffling gave you away. There was no one more understanding and kind than your husband and it broke your heart you never had the guts to completely spill all your secrets to him. He had all your trust, love, and support and you hoped he felt the same.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” You turned your head and kissed him.

“I don’t believe you have, maybe I could do with some reminders.” Kyle gave you another peck when you pulled away.

You both stayed silent for a moment, soaking in each other’s presence and warmth. You might have thought Kyle fell asleep if it wasn’t for the long yawn coming from him.

“Babe?” you whispered and waited for a response before continuing. “Guy is right. We’re going to need to find a bigger place, it might be time to start looking into some houses. Get a nice place to stretch our legs, lord knows we’re going to need the extra room once our little bean is here and the Marvel gang makes it their life mission to help out.”

“Okay, we can start looking tomorrow– after we get some rest.”

You eased out of his arms to turn off the lamp and he immediately pulled you back to him when you were done. “Alright, tomorrow then. Good night, I love you.”

“I love you too, sleep well.”

Now, with the heavy weight off your chest you were able to fall asleep without a problem for the first time in a long time.

[bijouxcarys]

I didn't have anywhere else to kind of talk about this, and I need to get it out of my system somehow, so I'm just putting this on here. Maybe someone can relate to it?

TW/ self-harm, suicidal ideology, please don't read this if it's going to potentially trigger you.

If you don't think this will trigger you, I still suggest you read on. Anyone around you could be experiencing this right now, and it's a very real thing.

Here's the reality of living as an adult with autism, who wasn't diagnosed until the age of 18.

It fucking sucks. To put it mildly.

Growing up as an undiagnosed autistic child is difficult. Especially if you are beaten down verbally by everybody to the point where you believe that you are, in fact, a bad kid. I'm convinced that's had a hand in why I'm so paranoid about my relationships with people. If I'm doing something to upset or annoy them.

You spend your entire childhood being told that you're the problem, when you're just trying to fucking survive in a world that's hard enough to live in without the added stress of developmental disorders, and you're going to believe for the rest of your life that you're the problem.

That is, unless you're able to go and see a therapist or counsellor.

Which leads me to my next point: we are conditioned to believe that we aren't allowed to ask for help, because we can never take on the advice anyways! 18 years of being told that I'm being dramatic, by my own counsellor as well, definitely dampens your willingness to attend any kind of talk therapy.

You get trauma building up over time from the rejection sensitivity, the amount of friend groups you plow through, the anxiety and depression that come as a result of how your brain is wired. It's not even that you have depression or anxiety; a lot of the time, they are symptoms of our autism. But they don't care. They'll feed us antidepressants.

I've been on antidepressant medication for a long time now. I'd argue about 6 years. I'm 22 now, on 200mg of sertraline daily. Last year I tried to come off my medication. Big mistake. Realised I'm kind of fucked without it.

Back in 2019, I used to take my antidepressant in liquid form because I had a sensitivity to swallowing pills. One day, my inability to read social cues and communicate effectively with my friends led me to drink the whole bottle of Fluoxetine.

When you're undiagnosed with autism and you have to go through regular life every day, it's damaging. So dangerous to the mental health of the child. The more we are put in situations that can overstimulate us, and overwhelm us, the more it takes from your ability to cope with life. You get beaten down, and beaten down, and beaten down, until you're an emotionless entity wandering the Earth with no solid ambitions or aspirations. You've spent your entire life in defense mode, mirroring everyone's behaviour and personalities so that you feel the tiniest bit "normal" out of pure survival, that you lose a sense of who you are as a person. You feel stripped of your personality. You don't know what you're doing.

Then you get thrust into the real world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I don't know how to survive in a world that isn't made for me. I don't know how to tell people I'm autistic, because a) they very rarely understand what I mean by that, and what it entails, and b) I don't even know enough about my autism.

Why? Because I wasn't diagnosed until just before I turned 18 - got discharged from CAMHS (Child and Adolescence Mental Health Service) once I turned 18, with no referral to a counsellor that could help me, and no information on what the fuck I should do next.

I've stayed in education because it's the only thing I know how to survive. I went to college, university, and now I'm doing a master's degree online. And I still don't really know what my goal is in life.

I have no friends, and I flip-flop between being upset about it and being absolutely fine with it. I don't leave the house, I don't work, I even struggle to do the most basic of daily tasks.

I'm constantly fantasising about a life I could have, but ultimately realise I can't have.

My brain is fucked up, and I am traumatised by the life I've had to live and survive in. And now I'm stuck in survival mode.

And I don't know how to live, instead of simply exist.

That's where the suicidal ideology comes in. I'm constantly thinking about how much easier everything would be if I did just off myself. But the thing is, I'm not actively planning it, but the thought brings me great comfort. There's always a way out. And I can't expect that I'll leave this world any other way.

Now... when an autistic person, or any person, tells you that they don't want to die, but thinking about killing themselves brings them a sense of comfort and contentment... there's something wrong there.

There's nothing I want more than to start living. But when it takes 110% of my energy to do the bare minimum... living becomes synonymous with existing.

Not being taught how to deal with the meltdowns, the overstimulation, the understimulation, the food sensitivities, the way the world functions... has fucked me up, for myself, and for everyone else around me.

And when given the choice between spending the rest of my life putting all my energy into living the way I do now, and killing myself and saving myself from the pain, the latter sounds far more enticing.

I don't want to die. But to live is too much of an enigma to want anything other than the silence.

[haizficz]

Fire on Ice.

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Hailee Steinfeld x female Reader

Summary: Depression is cold but not the love you both hold.

Warnings: depression; panic attack; fluff explotion; Hailee being the cutest person on earth; soft and comforting Hailee (we love her sfm)

a/n: Y/n (Reader) is an image of me and i don't have anyone like Hailee and how i described her in this fic, so i decided to write this. [i'm so freaking proud of my title and summary for this fic lol]

[Also one of the paragraphs is inspired by euphoria.]

P.s. Thank you for all the support! Notes and Reblogs are highly appreciated, love you <3

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"Life is hard" That's what everybody says. As a kid you don't really understand why everybody says that. But at some point the vision gets more and more visible..., or invisible. It's always different for every kind of person.

You don't know why, but your Life is not just hard. Sometimes it's beautiful and you enjoy it and at other times you feel like you can't breathe. Like you're stuck in a hole and you can't get out. Like you're depressed.

The other thing about depression is it kinda collapses time. Suddenly you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.

Of course your girlfriend knew about your mental illness. She reads you easier than any open book. The moment you told her that you were not always onehundred percent happy. And with "not always" you mean never. Hailee began to spend more time with you than she ever did before. You didn't even knew that was possible, but it was.

She started cuddling with you longer. Mumbled I love you's before you fall asleep. Holded you any time she could. Bought more often your favorite snacks. And the list goes on and on.

She made you fall in love with her more and more every day. Like she did with you. But you never really realized this. You were grateful for her and what she was doing for you. Yet there was always that one ulterior motive back in your head.

You're just a burden to her.

......

Today was exhausting. Not physically but mentally. About an hour ago you said to your girlfriend that you were going to go for a walk alone. Whatever you did. You tried to clear your head, enjoy the chirping birds and it worked a little. At least for the first few minutes. After a while you started missing the physical touch of Hailee. Your hand was empty and cold. Maybe it wasn't very smart to be without your comforter on a bad day.

As your eyes started to tear up and your body started trembling, you walked without hesitating back to your and Hailees apartment. Or better said you tried. Breathing was difficult and you strolled slowly.

Finally you saw the door to your home. It felt like several hours before you got here. Thank God you took the key with you. You didn’t want to wake Hailee. She's probably sleeping right now because before you left she said she was already going to bed.

You unlocked the front door and made your way straight to the bedroom. A lightly snoring Hailee filled the room with comfort, exactly what you needed. You took off your shoes and you softly layed onto Hailee. Your head hid in the back of her neck where the sharp note of her perfume stung your nose. It smells like vanilla and cherry blossoms. Like Hailee. Hailee who wasn't really in a deep sleep. She could feel the tears running down your cheeks onto her shoulder. She heard your quiet sobs and above all she felt your body trembling and shaking.

Suddenly you felt her arms wrapping around you and her head slowly turns to yours. She shared you a sweet kiss onto your forehead and afterwards she took the blanket near to her and pull it over you both. You were still shaking from the panic attack you had minutes ago. That's why Hailee softly placed her hands under your hoodie and drew randomly little circles on your back. Her touch was smoothing and it felt like fire on your freezed body.

A little while later your crying became quieter and you calmed down. Hailee and you are still in the same position as before. Only your head moved further down from her shoulder to her chest. Your ear right over her heart. Hailee's heartbeat, which you heard clearly, filled your soul with peace. Your hands wrapped around Hailee's body and her hands wrapped around you. None of you made a sound. You both knew exactly how the other person was feeling right now. Words didn’t have to be spoken. Except those three. Those three words you and Hailee share every day, every hour and always mean it.

"I love you."

She whispered to you. Her voice was raspy and you could hear that she was crying too. Your grip became tighter but also softer at the same time. Which maybe doesn't make any sense at all. But it was true.

You fell deeper into Hailee's touch and again a tear fell from your eye. "I love you too."

You slowly sat back up and looked down at Hailee. "I'm sorry to be such a burden to you, Haiz, I just made you cry and I, I don't want that-" Your body started shaking again and you felt a lump in your throat from holding back the tears. Hailee quickly sat up and placed both of her hands on your cheeks. "Hey, hey, it's okay, I know that you're not feeling well, y/n. And I'm crying because it hurts so much seeing you in this state, I'm not crying because you made me." She comforted you, her hazel eyes meeting yours. And you could definetely tell that she's saying the truth as always. Hailee never lies to you, but your brain told you the complete opposite. "There's literally no difference between making you cry and crying because of my state." "Yes there is!" She shouted, which really surprised you. Hailee never yelled at you before. You looked at her without saying anything. "Sorry." She whispered after realizing. "I'm just- I'm just so worried about you, y/n."

You sighed deeply and lost yourself in her eyes. Eyes that were filled with worries, love and fear. A layer of water was placed over them, which made them shine. "I'm sorry, Haiz." You flustered and you fell again into her arms. She held you tight and you enjoyed the warmth of Hailee's body. She warmed you, and your freezing heart started to melt from the fire of love you both have for eachother.

Warm Love that is bigger than your cold Depression.

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tagging again my dear friend here: @hard-core-super-star

[wolfsetfree-if]

Ooooo here we go

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My main MC is an omega girlie. She has long white hair that has prematurely greyed. She’s on the shorter side with a petite figure and (for now) dim light blue eyes that have since lost hope. Getting abandoned by her original pack already left a gigantic mental scar and then being imprisoned by the djinns snuffed out any spark of life left.

In her years of captivity she lost any will to fight and since was treated almost as a pet since she never tried fighting back or escaping. Her giant white wolf reduced to nothing more than a cowering pup. She’d spend her nights staring off into the darkness sometimes wishing for nothing more than a quick death.

When getting rescued by Bela and the others she felt maybe a spark of hope before the voice in her head snuffed it out. “They don’t want you”, “You’ll be abandoned again”, “Who on earth would want a stray?”, “Keep your head down and be a good pet and maybe this time you won’t get left behind”.

These thoughts float in her head as she’s taken back to the pack house. Since she was petted by the djinns whenever they felt like it her body freezes up on command whenever anyone pets her even if it’s another wolf. Though the wolves touch provides more comfort her body just won’t allow itself to relax under their touch.

She finds herself alone in her makeshift room at the pack house all the time. Sometimes just resting but other times being plagued by negative thoughts. A small part of her finds just a bit of comfort with Bela’s presence. She tries keeping absolutely silent whenever Bela is in the room because she’s afraid if she makes any noise she’ll be found annoying and thus kicked out.

Over time she sees that this pack is nothing like her old one. They care for each other and work together. Even though Rainn was slightly hostile MC feels no anger and ultimately understands why. “Who would want a pathetic stray like me near their pack?” This thought unfortunately surfaces in her head, though.

The pups were the biggest surprise to my MC. She was absolutely terrified to be alone with them. “One wrong move and it’s over.” She remained still but lost the fight to the instinct to nudge a pup with her snout. For the first time in a while she her tense body relax a bit. Until a pup accidentally put pressure on her bad leg. She yelped in surprise/pain and then that summoned Bela to the room. She felt terrified she’d be kicked out for even being near the pups. But Bela apologized to her. She felt relief that she won’t be kicked out but also slightly worried for the pups for their upcoming scolding.

The next biggest surprise was Rainn apologizing to her. She felt immense confusion. But then when Rainn brought her food? If she was in her human form she’d be a sobbing blubbering mess. Honestly idk if she’d eat the cupcakes (I think that’s what they were?) or just keep them and look at them.

MC felt more calm after that but still was surprised when Kesha visited. She felt conflicted when she realized what Kesha was offering. But… She felt something spark in her. Just a little. She scooted over to allow Kesha in her blanket nest. She surprised herself by actually falling asleep rather quickly after.

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That’s all I got for now. I think ultimately Bela will be my MC’s canon romance. I rlly like Bela 😩. I’m patiently waiting for the shifting reveal so they see my huge omega MC turn into this short traumatized girl. And she’s not even near as old as her greying hair points to.

I feel like after she feels more comfortable in the pack and is able to shift she’ll become like Kesha and seek physical affection. Future MC’s favorite being sitting on Bela’s lap while they do paperwork or smth or just relax.

She’d be big on being cuddle buddies with Kesha.

I gotta wait till we meet Indigo to form a dynamic.

Even after becoming a part of the pack my MC would still have invisible restraints. Like in the future one day she hears someone like another wolf tell the pups to sit down for lunch or smth completely innocent she’ll immediately sit whether in her wolf or human form. She’ll just sorta look at herself in shock and then slowly get up and hide somewhere for a while curled into a ball.

Okay imma end it here since I feel like I rambled too much

Your omega pup is a cutie and she deserves all the cuddles and love. I think many are excited for the first ever shifting and I am too!