crashcollision

[crashcollision]

I keep getting told on the internet I'm too angry about disability and ableism.

And I'm like of fucking course I am. How do you expect me not to be angry about people ignoring disabled people's existence at best but more often treating us like shit?

Yeah I'm angry at that and I have every right to be.

[crashcollision]

Even in the most progressive spaces I keep running into pure, seething hatred for people that cannot work. Not just run of the mill ignorance, but wishing-daggers-across-throats violent desire. You want us fucking dead in the ground, just because we can't fight the good fight.

We are severely disabled. Sometimes I wonder if being this disabled seems like shrimp colours to you. You can't understand how it can exist, so you simply do not believe that it does.

I hate having to call it 'chronic fatigue syndrome' because it invokes such responses as,

"Oh, so you're just tired? Me, too."

"Well, you may need to try harder than most people but you still have to try."

No. You don't get it. I don't think you can get it.

It is so much worse than you can imagine. Do I have to show you the charts that list CFS patients as having significant lower quality of life than people with terminal cancer? I am so tired that it is WORSE THAN FUCKING LIFE-DESTROYING CANCER. BELIEVE US.

"Have you tried exercising?"

I hope pinecones manifest in your aorta.

>:(

[crashcollision]

[crashcollision]

Another fun thing in a series of fun things a out Fibromyalgia is that working out genuinely does help

But only if you're not in so much pain that it would make it worse/you're literally too exhausted to.

The fun part is that able bodied people see you do leg lifts or something ONCE and their internal calculations = "oh so they can ALWAYS do this, they're just too lazy to keep it up"

It's fun because literally nothing short of hurting yourself will change that mental math. Because after an injury they can SEE you're healing. You deserve to rest, then. You will get better, which is the Right Way to Hurt.

But a cripple gets tired bc their nerves are on fire and they couldnt sleep? Wrong. Incorrect. Lazy.

(Throws glitter) So. MUCH. FUN. /S

[crashcollision]

🍓 Strawberry Peach Protein Smoothie 🍑

300 calories

1 cup of peaches

1 cup of strawberries

1 cup of lactose-free fat-free milk

1 scoop of whey protein

[crashcollision]

I WASN’T A BAD DOG

I WAS A SCARED DOG

[crashcollision]

Sometimes, I wish I could have my innocence back. Just for a moment, to pretend that I've never experienced so much pain and hate. Then it goes away, and the weight of reality sinks back on me.

[crashcollision]

I’ve spent my entire life trying to make people understand. I’ve written paragraphs. I’ve told people exactly what’s going on and what I need. I’ve communicated until my throat went hoarse. I haven’t understood why the fuck my minimal needs still weren’t being met. Why I was still being misunderstood.

But it’s because they didn’t care to understand me, which is even more painful realization. They didn’t truly want to. They were set on misunderstanding me and hurting me.

[crashcollision]

Think we need more appreciation for hosts who are out there 24/7, doing boring chores/routines/works,, to top it off with stress and reoccurring trauma/triggers if any yet kept on going. They’re literal heroes.

Oh, plus don’t forget to treat host by putting spotify on loop and a comfy blanket (maybe throw in some headpats too)

- j

[crashcollision]

I want to talk about disassociation during crisis moments and how fascinating it is to me.  Like when you’re faced with a crisis moment, a car accident, you’re in a war, you’re an EMT… you’re dealing with someone either dead or dying, etc. And somehow you’re able to dissociate yourself just enough to look at the situation clinically. You can put emotions aside and just focus on survival. I’m fascinated with that state of mind you get into.

Like. A personal example. My father and I found my grandfathers dead body, at his home in his garden. He died peacefully (but unexpectedly) of natural causes. He had been dead for a few hours, so there was no use doing CPR or anything. And there’s a moment when we’re just standing there around this dead body waiting for the ambulance to arrive and it’s… it’s awkward almost. Because what do you do in that situation? The average person just doesn’t know how to react to a dead body and that’s normal but it’s like something I’d say a good portion of the population has to encounter at some point.

And I think the key is to be honest and say ‘yeah, that’s a weird situation to be in’ because you’re in shock you’re not feeling your emotions correctly and I’m just fascinated with that state of mind.

[crashcollision]

“life isn’t about evading hell. life is about living beautifully despite it.”

— sulē cerdan

[crashcollision]

I can relate to this

[crashcollision]

Self harm doesn’t always happen when a blade touches skin.

It’s skipping meals because you don’t feel like you deserve to eat today. It’s having sex because you want to be used or abused or defiled. It’s drinking recklessly because you might have the ‘courage’ do something stupid. It’s smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know it’s bad for you. It’s banging your head against a wall when you’re angry. It’s crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. It’s thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. It’s not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. It’s taking painkillers in excess because you know it’s dangerous. It’s walking home the more dangerous way because you’re kind of half hoping you’ll get attacked or raped or stabbed. It’s going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you can’t find your way back. It’s seeking out triggering material. It’s all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.

Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you don’t put any effort into doing the things you like or need.

It’s a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesn’t only happen in one way.

This sort of behavior is classified as “para-suicidal” It’s putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.

[crashcollision]

“I feel like I am so far behind in life that I will never catch up. Everyone is doing so many things with their lives. I am just here. Frozen. I have been a ghost for years. I wonder if that is all I will ever be.”

—

[crashcollision]

shoutout to people who lay in bed all day when they get home from work/school, people who can't go to loud or crowded places or concerts, people who change into pajamas because other clothes are uncomfortable, people who can't consistently participate in hobbies, people who have to turn down hanging out with friends, people who have lowered their standards to improve themselves, people who need affirmations, and people who struggle to stay healthy. you deserve so much love and I hope things get better.

[crashcollision]

chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be kinder to yourself. be gentler with your bodymind.

[crashcollision]

In my "can't continue under this circumstances" era.