#He has so much potential to his character I feel like I need to bring hi

[brokenwinebox]

Claire: Ominous Or Naive?

this meta is still based on @vacationship and @thoughtfulchaos773 posts on molly’s interview but i’m focusing on claire more individually as a character inspired by @yannaryartside’s meta on her (maybe purposeful?) manipulative behavior. if you would like the full context please read the following in order:

vacationship’s meta w/ molly’s interview

thoughtfulchaos773’s meta on the topic

brokenwinebox’s meta on pushing

yannaryartside’s meta on claire

↓ extra long text below

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claire is one of the most controversial characters on the show the bear. people hate the way she was messily written by the writers and others don’t seem to mind it. but the question will always be on whether the strong dislike for her character is justified or not necessary.

carmy is an integral part of claire’s story.

it’s why i struggle so much with writing claire individually, because all the writers have done is only make her relevant through carmy.

in result of that, this will be a deep dive on claire’s character, but also a deep dive into carmy as well.

you’ll be in my mind, and see my thought process on everything regarding claire, carmy, and clairecarmy. basically, you’ll see my theories and attempt to understand claire and carmy as characters. am i insane for making this? yes! this will be a pretty long post, sorry!

throughout this claire analysis, i’m going to try to approach the topic of manipulation with the most neutral tone possible. i’ll raise a lot questions and maybe you could try to fill in the blanks for yourselves. i don’t really have any experience with psychology so if anyone has more knowledge/experience on the topic, don’t hesitate to join in.

before we get into it, i think we need to raise a general question that could be used throughout this meta: does claire truly have an ominous presence or does she feel naive in the way she handles her relationship with carmy?

this is where my previous post about the pushing involving claire and marcus come into play. we don’t know the full connection with sydcarmy and what the mutual pushing entails quite yet. doesn’t mean we shouldn’t think about them when i bring this question up.

how much pushing is warranted before it becomes manipulative?

for me, the problem always stemmed from the way the dialogue was handled. at first, it almost felt like you could look right past it and enjoy the rest of show. unfortunately, the dialogue is far too glaring for me and seemingly an endless amount of people feel the same way.

it always felt like carmy could be open sometimes to what claire suggests but with way she adds unnecessary verbiage like the “owe” and “say that one more time”, it felt like this optional door was closed and now we’re watching him not even have a chance to deny or accept. hence, why in my pushing meta, i said claire gets constant (reluctant) acceptance.

claire is a character that can’t be explicitly defined. it’s probably why the panic attack from carmy was such a striking moment in his brain and for the audience. maybe claire isn’t supposed to be heavily defined because carmy himself can’t define her. she’s just a girl he ended up rekindling with but he can’t define his feelings and ultimately, their relationship as a whole.

does he love her? is she his girlfriend? if he was sure, he wouldn’t hesitate to answer.

seems like carmy is throwing metaphorical spaghetti/his thoughts on the wall/his brain, hoping some of the noodles/his past and present will stick. fak’s meddling won’t work if he’s going against carmy’s utmost inner thoughts and feelings.

that’s probably why, in his head, claire could be the perfect choice for carmy to choose romantically. claire is representative of his past and present. i’ll elaborate further into that later.

in s1e8, he mentioned before in al anon that he was trying to fix the beef because he wanted to fix his relationship with his brother. even mentioned potentially fixing the whole family.

would carmy do whatever it took to sew his family back together and continue to date someone he didn’t have strong feelings for?

now that i laid out the groundwork, let’s start from the beginning of their relationship and work our way through it until the s2 finale.

i have a frozen in time theory when it comes to clairecarmy. might be worth checking out if you want to understand my thought process.

Reunion By Grocery Store Fridges

we’re in the grocery store and carmy is getting veal stock from a grocery store fridge. carmy is looking down at the veal stock, lost in thought (thinking of sydney maybe?)

we see claire approaching through the reflection of the glass door. she freezes, probably in recognition. she asks if that’s the person she thought it was.

carmy remained silent, like he was trying to place a face to a name. they stare at each other in silence until he finally reached to what her name was.

claire was hearing about all his endeavors through mikey so, it’s not surprising she automatically recognized him. carmy probably barely hears anything from his family.

claire: “so, how’s your life been, berzatto?” carmy: “i have no idea. how about you?” claire: “i have no idea.”

they nod at each other in acknowledgment. this is possibly when they felt a kinship between each other. both can’t define what’s been going on between them in life. it was a temporary relief, kinda like ice on a bruise. maybe this was the only time claire was being real with him. that little connection he felt is what prompted him to stay with her to talk.

they’re leaning on the fridge, catching up on the other’s life. she talks about how she’s has six months in her residency in her study on emergency medicine. carmy brings up how it sounds intense, could be potentially thinking about his past intense work in the kitchen. this furthers the connection between them.

claire: “when we were like six, she fell off a fence and broke her arm and it scared the shit out of everybody. except me, i just like sat there and stared at her arm.” carmy: “cause you wanted to fix it?” claire: “i wanted to understand it.”

she wanted to understand a broken arm. is this the writers telling us she want to understand him because she assumes he’s broken? why else would the writers make her say that?

carmy talks about opening the restaurant and claire looks at him with excitement.

claire: “why what are you doing?” carmy: “opening a restaurant.” claire: “you’re doing the thing.” carmy: “trying to, yeah.” claire: “still, i love the name.”

this is when we find out that claire knows the name of the restaurant. this was always strange dialogue to me because wasn’t carmy shy? why would he talk about something that personal? and with a crush, no less.

this is when i started messing with the idea that it wasn’t carmy who told her. what if mikey told her?

carmy: “how could you remember the name?” claire: “because you’re the bear, and i remember you.”

this is claire’s attempt to reach out to him emotionally. extending an arm. a silent little, “i see you. you’re not alone.”

this is a great juxtaposition to line sydney: “you’re the most excellent cdc at the most excellent restaurant in the entire united states of america. so, what are you doing here, i guess?”

what if this is when carmy senses the lie or something off behind her words? what if he knew he wasn’t really being seen at all? maybe he senses that claire wasn’t really talking to him. (mikey? his high school presence?)

what if he saw his past through her and he didn’t like it?

i can’t get over his reaction to that line either. you would expect it to be this happy expression but it wasn’t. carmy looked lost, almost dissociated.

perhaps, because claire wasn’t being genuine after that bear line, maybe carmy senses it and that connection he felt is lost. she asks for his number which causes him to give her a wrong one. it looked like he had that same dissociated look when he was telling her his number.

in result, this naturally slides down in place with the juxtaposition to syd’s “this was my dad’s favorite spot when i was a kid. come here every sunday. special place!”

(there’s an on going theory that speculates sydney was lying about her father coming every sunday.)

this moment might be where carmy severs his connection with her entirely. this scene was never mentioned again and the writers could have easily put this into the panic attack scene to calm him down. but they didn’t. why is that?

isn’t it strange that claire, who i said isn’t ever explicitly defined, can’t even define how her life has been? she seems like a character that would be very sure of herself. what happened there?

The Phone Call

we’re in carmy’s apartment, he’s cleaning up before preparing to get ready to go to kasama with sydney. his phone rings and he answers.

carmy: “hello?” claire: “did you really give a fake number?” carmy: “claire?” claire: “should my feelings be hurt? i think they’re hurt.”

i personally wouldn’t tell a person that gave me a fake number that i was hurt. in fact, i wouldn’t be trying to get their number at all. you could always say she said it on purpose to make him feel bad but maybe she genuinely just wanted to know if it was a mistake.

carmy: “hmmm no no no sorry, that must’ve been a mistake.” claire: “you know i know you’re entire family and the faks right?” carmy: “you know all the faks?” claire: “yeah i know all the fucking faks and they’re going to come beat you up.”

this could be a lighthearted joke but it does raise the question if she doesn’t respond well to rejection.

claire: “why just why. walk me through giving me a fake number. why?” carmy: “hmm no no cause i, uh, i didn’t mean for that to happen um i’m sorry. i’m sorry it was a mistake, okay?”

it seems like carmy doesn’t like being confronted with that question. it’s pretty huge to decide on not giving someone you used to like or even a family friend a fake number.

claire: “thank you, i really appreciate that. well, i was originally calling before i found out i got fake numbered and had to ask neil for your real number to ask if you were busy today, so now i have two questions.” carmy: “shoot, yeah.” claire: “okay, one is it okay that i have your number or did you really not want me to have your number?”

claire actually making sure if he really didn’t want her to have her number is commendable but if carmy already doesn’t like confrontation on that subject, he could just automatically agree to get out of saying he doesn’t want her to have it.

carmy: “no no no no it’s uh, i want you to have my number.” claire: “okay, say that one more time.” carmy: “i want you to have my number.”

i’ve talked about this line in my pushing meta but i always thought this little interaction was interesting. this could fit pretty well into the naive narrative i asked about.

maybe those words, “say it one more time,” were pretty reminiscent of a giddy teenage girl, confirming that her long-time crush has a crush on her too.

she asks if he’s busy, he glances up at the whiteboard “call fridge guy.”

he stammers as he looks at the whiteboard (possibly trying to let her down? try to explain he’s busy?)

claire: “can you just not make this weird? like, i need a favor. my cousin bailed on me.”

why didn’t she call anyone else in the berzatto family to do it (richie or fak)? it seemed like they’re close enough. that has to be because she wanted carmy to do it. it’s pretty naive to ask your crush to do this random task to spend time with them. but is this really naive or manipulative?

claire: “do you still have that van?” carmy: “yes, no we do. we still have that van. um i am in.”

i didn’t notice this the first few times but he looks at the whiteboard twice before agreeing. maybe the first time he thought of his task of calling the fridge guy with the second being sydney and the day he was supposed to have with her.

claire: “really?” carmy: “yeah, yeah really.”

he sounded so unenthusiastic here. like he need to conjure up some form of energy to say it. to be fair, moving boxes isn’t fun at all.

claire: “okay, i’ll text you the address.” carmy: “no. no, i know where it is.” claire: “really? cause i’m worried about your number issue.” carmy: “i know where it is” claire: “you know what, i’ll give my address to fak and then he can give it to you does that sound good? and then punch you in the face does that sound good?”

she keeps talking about the faks and how she’s going to get them to beat him up. is there going to be an argument/showdown with fak (or one of them) in the show at some point?

claire: “you know he uh he told me you guys are really close and he’s your best friend.” carmy: “fak said that?” claire: “mhm.” carmy: “no no no fak’s not my best friend.” claire: “really?” carmy: “no no he is. he’s probably my best friend.” claire: “that’s interesting. to sit with. for you.”

claire saying that was always so weird to me. i couldn’t tell if she, again, was being lighthearted or making fun of him here.

earlier in the episode, carmy is in al anon talking about his family ruining anything that gave him any sort of excitement.

carmy: “i think when i was a kid, anything that would give me any sort of excitement or amusement or enjoyment, it always got kind of fucked. you know, i don’t think my family meant to ruin it or anything like that. you know i don’t think they did it on purpose. i think they sometimes just try too hard. or they make promises they weren’t able to keep.”

i don’t think it was coincidence that the moment he suggested going out with sydney, it got cancelled immediately for helping claire with boxes.

In The Car

after looking at fak, who most likely reminds him of claire, he calls claire to do another task. they're on their way to the post office.

claire: “well, no i’m a terrible driver. i enjoy the risk of it.” carmy: “i should be worried then.” claire: “yeah, really worried.”

is this alluding to carmy being in the passenger seat with claire being doomed? that he shouldn’t be in the car/relationship with her?

what does it mean that carmy is always in the passenger seat with claire (figuratively and literally) but she’s a terrible driver? especially compared to sydney who was a professional driver.

this could be a very direct message to the audience that he should be worried about his relationship with claire.

claire: “i went to med school in new york so i never drove. so, i try to make up for it. the times i’m not working.”

obviously there’s subways in new york, but what if this was trying to tell the audience something else?

didn’t molly say claire might’ve had a previous relationship where she was the one being pushed? there could’ve been a time where she was in the passenger seat just like carmy and she didn’t like how it felt.

the person she was dating always could’ve had a car. i suppose it depends on what part of new york they were living in. maybe they found a way to steer her even with a subway and it made her a figurative passenger. even though this is definitely speculative, i’ll keep it here to reflect back on later.

also what were the writers intention when they made claire go to med school in new york? it seemed like all three: sydney, carmy, and claire were in new york for some pivotal moment. what could have been claire’s pivotal moment in new york? just med school? her past relationship in (potentially) new york? or something else entirely?

why does claire love the risk of it? this could mean claire is a bad driver/pusher. does she love the risk of pushing others? is there another way to interpret this?

after their little task trip, we see that they’re parked in a parking lot.

claire: “we’ve hung out, like, so much but we’ve never actually talked.” carmy: “yeah, yeah i know what you mean.”

it’s strange to think that they’ve hung out a lot but never said anything to the other. especially when you with think on carmy, who was shy, talking about a dream he has with his brother? that’s a pretty personal thing to share with someone if they never talk. something strange is going on there, i just don’t know what it is quite yet.

it gets a little stranger with claire mentioning that she sat behind him in algebra class in freshman year. carmy doesn’t seem to remember that, like he’s completely disconnected/dissociated from her entirely. why is claire remembering all of these things but carmy isn’t? why is she doing all the pushing/driving?

what if she knew about the drawings too? is this another thing mikey mentioned to her? maybe she was trying to slowly ooze it out of him. only to end up disappointed that carmy doesn’t bother to mention it. basically erasing its potential importance to the relationship entirely.

carmy: “i wish you talked to me more.” claire: “i tried. you’re really shy.”

this is what i was talking about earlier. how can he be shy, and talk about something that personal?

what if this is telling us that claire was always a pusher in some aspect? she probably tried a few times and because she didn’t get the response she wanted, she left him alone and ultimately put their potential of a relationship to rest?

a question i brought up earlier:

would carmy do whatever it took to sew his family back together and continue to date someone he didn’t have strong feelings for?

what if this is another version of that? carmy had said here with claire, he liked to think about mikey.

mikey could be the one of the sole keys to keeping the relationship between claire and carmy alive. but will mikey be enough to get him to define that relationship and his feelings? no. and that’s probably what’s devastating. he even said in the s1 finale, carmy realized he doesn’t really know anything about mikey. you could even argue that mikey isn’t that explicitly defined to carmy, similar to claire. he could have even projected a closeness to mikey to make himself feel less alone. he could be doing same projections with claire.

what if he said the words, “i wished you talked to me more” and unconsciously meant them for mikey? carmy was always upset about how mikey closed himself off to him.

i don’t think it was a coincidence that after he said that, he mentions mikey.

carmy: “you always had so many friends. i don’t know, i really wanted that. mikey had that.” claire: “yeah mikey was cool.” carmy: “mikey was cool.” claire: “mikey was cool like he would set something on fire.”

what does this mean? didn’t mikey try to burn down the beef to get insurance money? what prompts someone to say that? to play devils advocate, maybe mikey just gave off that vibe? but wouldn’t we hear it being said from other people? i don’t remember other people describe him this way.

claire: “speaking of dead brothers (mikey), do you wanna go to a party?” wasn’t mikey kind of considered the life of the party?

this could be her attempt to reconnect carmy to him somehow.

claire: “and i feel like you really owe me.”

i’ve already said this, but i definitely think this could’ve pushed him to agree. again, purposeful or naive?

claire: “when’s the last time you went to a party?”

this felt like a those typical/cliche movie moments where the popular girl convinces and takes a shy nerd to a high school party.

The (High School) House Party

in s1e8, carmy talks about mikey’s confidence and his ability to dial any room he walked into.

carmy: “he had this amazing ability. he could just walk into a room, and he could take the temperature of it instantly. he could dial it. i’m not built like that, man. i didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. i had a stutter when i was a kid. i was scared to speak half the time. and, uh, i got shitty grades cause i couldn’t pay attention in school. i didn’t get into college. i didn’t have any girlfriends. i don’t think i’m funny.”

can you miss someone so much and in the result of that grief, they adopt their personality?

we’ve arrived at the house party, with illegal fireworks and solo cups littered around the house. it’s pretty reminiscent of a high school party, even with the police coming to bust/raid the fireworks guy (kyle).

we have claire giving him a soda instead of beer. we’ve never seen carmy drink alcohol in the show. i don’t think the writers have been explicit in how he feels about being around it. but this is relevant for this scene that i will get into later.

after claire gives him an out on staying with her while she’s talking/listening to kelly by asking if he wanted to get kelly some water.

he immediately agrees and we find him in the corner where he looks at claire, almost lost in thought. then he gets bombarded with a random inebriated person calling him logan fernello.

drunk party guy: “you did the amazing shit in senior year. the shit with the spoons.” carmy: “with the spoons.” drunk party guy: “yeah.” carmy: “yeah.”

we cut to carmy telling his made up story to a group of guys. this is when the logan persona really comes into affect. logan telling his story felt very reminiscent to mikey telling the story of seeing/meeting bill murray.

then it struck me, what if this logan persona was really mikey’s? he talked about how mikey could dial into a room. what if this was his attempt at it?

claire: “you’re a real animal, logan.” carmy: “yeah, no the thing about logan is he doesn’t give a fuck. that’s logan.”

what if he was again, unconsciously talking about mikey here? carmy was always insecure about mikey not caring for him, it only got worse when mikey cut him off entirely. with the severed connection, carmy struggled in his attempts to reconnect with him.

carmy: “that was really nice with kelly, you’re really good with that.” claire: “good at what?” carmy: “listening.”

why didn’t he say a similar line “you love taking care of people.” like he did with sydney?

listening could always be potentially surface level. it doesn’t take a lot to listen to someone. with claire, it didn’t seem like she really cared about what kelly was saying. she was just entertaining her to make sure kelly felt better. but it takes more effort to take care of all of the people around you like sydney tends to do. taking care of people takes more passion/drive.

claire: “in college people would come back to my house after parties. and i think i got really good at managing sad drunk people.” carmy: “yeah i know that feeling.” claire: “i know you do.”

this is clear a connection to donna. i can’t help but wonder why claire would think a party is a good idea if he has experience with sad drunk people? maybe because she had past experience too, she naturally started pushing him to do it in the present?

carmy: “i missed this college thing, huh?”

this could be carmy acknowledging unconsciously that he’s just making up for lost time.

claire: “why did you give me a fake number?” carmy: “i like you so much. and i feel like i missed a lot.” claire: “well there was a lot of this.”

we hear the whistle of the fireworks before they start going off once she said, “why did you give me a fake number?”

i think this is another time claire was ever really real with carmy. carmy giving her a fake number clearly hurt her enough to want to know why. she said it in a joking manner when they were on the phone. although, that could have been a (high school) façade to mask her true feelings on it.

during the phone call, she asks him if he really wanted her to have his number. he confirmed he did but it’s clear she sensed something was up because she’s bringing it up again here. that’s why this scene is so fascinating to me. this could imply claire knew he didn’t want to but pursued him anyway. why else would she bring up the number thing again? if she legitimately thought it was a mistake, she wouldn’t have brought it up again.

he smiles a bit but also he also just furrows his brows while looking down, like he can’t come up with the words. this could show he doesn’t like confrontation. he stares off for a bit before he looks at her and says he likes her.

we see the colors of the fireworks reflect on claire as she smiles but i’m not sure if it’s because she likes his words or she’s entertaining his avoidance.

she starts caressing his face. he looks off to the side with a distant look. then, he looks up at her and we see her smile. but when we cut back to carmy, his eyes are already not on her. he’s aimlessly staring to the side once again.

he always looks so dissociated from her touch whether it’s her touch physically or verbally.

they get interrupted from the police so with carmy saying the code word, they run off. claire goes back to kelly briefly and carmy heads for the car.

after claire is done checking on her, she goes back to the car where carmy is outside of it by the passenger side.

carmy: “hey, here’s a crazy idea.” claire: “hit me.” carmy: “you wanna see the restaurant?” claire: “i’d love to.”

we're headed off to the restaurant.

A Restaurant Kiss

after the (high school) house party, carmy invites her to come back to the restaurant. claire accepts, coming onto an argument between richie, nat, and syd.

this is when claire meets sydney, her romantic rival, for the first time.

i always thought it was weird for claire to introduce herself to a family she’s already close to/know. the only person that doesn’t know her is sydney. but why interrupt an entire group argument for that? either that was purposeful or just straight naive. it could have been her attempt at using her introduction as an icebreaker.

in their their kissing scene, they’re over artificial lighting, probably insinuating a fakeness in their relationship.

is it a coincidence they’re kissing in the one place where the past and present intersect?

as i mentioned in the beginning, i have this theory where claire is representative of his past and present. we won’t go that in depth with this until the fishes episode.

“when is fak getting here? does he even have real tools???” does he even have the tools to keep claire and carmy together?

in s2e3, after carmy ditched sydney to help claire’s mother with moving things into storage, we follow sydney at kasama waiting for him, she texts him to ask where he is and that she’s going to order.

in the previous texts we see this conversation:

carmy: fak said he’s on his way sydney: when is fak getting here? does he actually have real tools??? carmy: it’s fak what do you think? sydney: that’s what i thought…

this could be alluding to fak’s tools/meddling aren’t things that will keep claire and carmy together. fak has been a huge role in their relationship. we even have the s3 trailer where fak is at the hospital, telling claire that carmy loves her. but will it help? will it solve anything between them? does fak have the right/real tools to make sure they get back together?

in s2e5, right before they kiss, fak interrupts them. he was waiting for richie on the roof. carmy tries to push him out (an attempt to stop his meddling maybe?)

fak says he needs his tools.

fak: “i love you so much but i need my tools.” carmy: “fuck your tools.” fak: “very well.”

what if this was fak’s attempt to fix the forcefulness/unnaturalness of their relationship metaphorically. this relationship he kept pushing onto them? he could have also been trying to make sure the roof doesn’t cave in, making sure they’re protected from their pretend (high school) reality.

maybe that’s why fak was happy about carmy mentioning claire being with him in the restaurant. he was finally taking control over his relationship for a moment.

fak even said: “i did that.”

he could’ve been happy he didn’t need his tools for them, thinking that they’ll get this happily ever after situation.

i suppose he didn’t realize that they were dead set hurtling towards their doomed relationship.

i wonder if time will only tell who has the true/real tools to have a healthy happily ever after relationship.

The Mention: Fishes

merry christmas, lizards! we’ve made it to the halfway point. it only makes sense that this episode is in the middle of it all because of how integral it is to carmy and claire’s relationship.

fishes is when we start to see things a little more clearly. in this episode, it’s christmas time in the berzatto household. we’re reunited with nat, carmy, and mikey but we also meet new faces.

after nat and mikey have their moment, talking about not asking donna if she’s okay and mikey saying he’ll handle her, carmy comes out the door.

carmy: “hey. hey mikey could you come inside and be you, real quick? i don’t know how to deal with these people.” mikey: “yeah, i’ll be right there.”

i’ve already mentioned how carmy said mikey could dial any room but in this episode it’s almost implied he depended on it. he relied on mikey taking care of the people in the house or just in general. it would make sense that carmy used mikey’s presence to help him with making up the story in the house party. he’s probably just so used to mikey doing it, it made carmy use mikey’s personality as a sense of comfort.

this got me thinking of sydney loving to take care of people. i think it just comes naturally to her. that might’ve been the problem with mikey. he probably did it like it’s a job/chore. but how could he take care of people without taking care of himself? this could’ve led to his doom.

carmy is shifting his feet, probably in anticipation for the day ahead of him.

mikey looks at carmy before glancing down then once he looks off to the side, he tells carmy that he’s happy he’s home.

mikey: “happy you’re home, bear.” carmy: “kill you to pick up the phone?” mikey: “carm, i’m happy you’re home. okay?”

carmy, still shifting his feet, nods and looks down. it’s clear that being ignored by mikey hurts him. at this point in their relationship, it’s fairly strained. it most likely only got more strained after this christmas.

after some silence, natalie says she’s not going to ask donna if she’s okay and asks carmy if he could handle her. he agrees.

natalie: “i’m not going to ask her if she’s okay.” mikey: “that’s good.” natalie: “yeah.” natalie: “carm, will you handle mom?” carmy: “yeah, i’ll handle her.”

with that, we’re off into christmas chaos.

even though claire isn’t in the episode physically, she’s very much with them in spirit. we won’t be focusing on the episode in its entirety because we’re only focusing on claire and clairecarmy.

regardless if she isn’t there, claire is a pivotal character/role to carmy’s character in this episode. we’ll be going through the possible connections i’ve made and this past/present theory that will be used throughout the rest of this meta.

after we meet donna, carmy walks out the kitchen to most likely take a break. unfortunately for him, he gets bombarded by mikey and richie.

mikey: “merry fucking chrismas, bro.” carmy: “what?” mikey: “merry fucking christmas.” carmy: “what do you mean? guys, don’t fuck with me right now.” richie: “no one is fucking with you!” mikey: “why would you think that?” carmy: “cause your always fucking with me, that’s why i fucking think that. what do you mean?” richie: “you’re not gonna fucking believe who we just saw.” mikey: “we’re trying to tell you we ran into the love of your fucking life.” carmy: “i don’t have a love of my life.”

i thought this was interesting because of how much time has probably passed since he’s last seen claire. it would make sense that he wasn’t really thinking of her much since she was just a high school crush. maybe he thought about her in passing, but it’s not unbelievable to think he hasn’t really thought of her since.

richie: “just fucking tell him.” mikey: “claire bear.” richie: “claire bear!” carmy: “you saw claire?”

in this scene, richie and mikey sound like they’re trying to sell a car. just a lot of exposition that doesn’t really have substance when you’re trying to tell someone about a potential love interest. they make it sound like claire and carmy getting together is a must because of her looks. just hearing this dialogue alone made me feel very overwhelmed. i can’t imagine being in carmy’s shoes.

carmy: “what did you do? what did you do? what did you do?” richie: “this is a once in a million opportunity for you to score with a woman that’s stacked physically and mentally.” carmy: “you’re having a child. what the fuck? why are you talking like that?”

it is a pretty crazy thing to say isn’t it?, and having a daughter too?! does richie and mikey truly believe there’s no other woman out there? this is when i started messing with the idea that they’re selling this idea for carmy to stay at home.

isn’t it fascinating that richie ends up being put in this position where it feels easy for him to use claire as a projection because of his own failed marriage?

mikey: “it’s done.” carmy: “who asked you to do that though? that’s what i’m saying.” mikey: “it’s a christmas gift. i fucking put in a good word. i told her about napa about copen, she ate that shit up.” carmy: “nobody asked you to do that.”

what if mikey was talking him up to claire because it was his way to get carmy to stay in chicago? or knowing what he was going to do, wanted to give him something that he contributed to one last time?

i talked about it in my pushing meta that carmy could have not liked being pushed but went with it anyway. carmy in this scene very clearly didn’t enjoy the meddling/pushing. that could be why with claire, he welcomes it because he’s used to it in some kind of way.

also does claire and carmy ever really talk about his endeavors? mikey told her all about it but they seem to only talk about it a little. i remember in the house party, they talked about it briefly before claire cut it off with her question on why he gave her a fake number. even in the restaurant, i don’t remember him talking about it there. am i missing something here? how come the one thing that possibly had a massive contribution to their relationship, is never talked about?

stevie: “she’s a deeply good person. i could see why you’re in love with her.” carmy: “i’m not in love with her though. that’s what i’m saying. where did you guys get this from that i’m in love with her?” richie: “cause you used to have all those drawings!” carmy: “that’s what i’m fucking talking about though. that’s what i’m talking about. that’s what i’m saying! that’s why i think you’re fucking with me.”

was it implied that carmy actually never had a crush on claire? carmy is already considered strange to his family. if i’m right then it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that carmy genuinely just enjoyed drawing her without much else being into it. what if they misinterpreted his drawings for feelings he never had? what if he was entertaining the idea of them together (reimagining their high school days) because mikey would have wanted it?

you don’t necessarily need feelings for the person you’re inspired by. i could be mistaken here but i’ll leave it in the meta anyway for reflection.

another thought is that he could have had a crush but there’s nothing more there. a crush is just an infatuation, you’re more in love with the idea of them rather than the person themselves. that’s probably another potential reason why he genuinely had a problem with them telling him he’s in love with her.

stevie: “carm, this is a good thing.”

in my theory about claire and carmy, i had this thought of them being conduits.

carmy is a conduit for the audience to feel his presence, emotions, and for us to see the world around him in the present.

claire is a conduit of the past, being easily projected onto by mikey, richie, and fak to bring up resurfaced feelings from the past (carmy’s old crush, his claire sketches, his high school presence etc.) and carmy could use her to fall back in time. in a time where mikey is alive or his presence is more felt. this could also explain why they were frozen in time once they met. and it worked briefly but for how long? is something like this sustainable?

we won’t be focusing on the bear drawing with mikey in it’s entirety but i made a possible connection here to what i said earlier.

carmy: “i don’t need you talking to claire and acting all nice if you don’t actually give a fuck, you know?” mikey: “what are you talking about, i don’t get a fuck? why would you say that to me? carmy, i give, like, i give like a huge fuck.” carmy: “yeah?” mikey: “fuck yeah! i give like the biggest fuck.”

this seems to parallel last episode’s dialogue regarding logan.

here’s what i said:

carmy: “yeah, no the thing about logan is he doesn’t give a fuck. that’s logan.” what if he was again, unconsciously talking about mikey here? carmy was always insecure about mikey not caring for him, it only got worse when mikey cut him off entirely. with the severed connection, carmy struggled in his attempts to reconnect with him.

i just thought it was a strange coincidence. claire could potentially be channeling these feelings onto carmy and remind him constantly of the past. one thing to remember is that claire and carmy's relationship seem to always go back to the fishes episode.

finally, we meet donna in this episode/meta.

she’s crying in the kitchen, smoking a cigarette. people are sitting at the dinner table wondering when she’ll come. carmy comes into the kitchen to check on her and donna goes into how no one cares for her.

donna: “i don’t think i can do this by myself anymore.” carmy: “you’re not by yourself alright?i’m right here. i’m with you.” donna: “nobody out there gives a shit about me. carmy: “that’s not true. mom, that’s not true, we all love you so much.” donna: “i had to beg you to come home.” carmy: “i’m happy to be here, okay?”

this could potentially fit into my thought that mikey was trying to keep him in chicago to get claire and him together. if mikey takes care of donna, maybe this is a way to get carmy to be there for donna too in a way. this is a very speculative thought that i’ll just leave here.

carmy: “why, um, what’s hard, mom? what is it?” donna: “i make things beautiful for them and no one makes things beautiful for me.”

let’s go back to the previous episode for a second. claire is comforting kelly on the couch with carmy on the side.

claire: “you deserve better. well, no one’s ever made me dinner before.”

i don’t know for sure if this is a coincidence but it’s another strange parallel that needs to be shared. as i said before, claire and carmy’s relationship seem to always go back to fishes.

anyway, let’s proceed with the fishes episode.

carmy: “why don’t you just give me your hand, we’ll go sit.” donna: “no.” carmy: “mom, come on.” donna: “i’ll go in a minute.” carmy: “alright, i’ll just wait.” donna: “okay, micheal. i’ll be there in a minute.”

carmy gets this strange disassociated look. he's staring off before blinking a bit and looking down. i had to play this multiple times but she does call him mikey strangely. mothers do tend to switch up the names of their children at times but this felt a bit intentional on the writer's part.

after asking if donna is good, which seems to parallel sydcarmy with asking if the other is good, donna demands him to go sit at the table. carmy wants to wait for her but she isn’t budging and even asked if they had a problem. he shakes his head in denial and donna goes to hug him. we watch them hug for a moment before donna pulls back and slaps him.

this is when it all kind of clicked together for me in this shot.

when claire started caressing carmy’s face at the house party, it felt familiar to something else but i couldn’t quite put my finger on it until watching this episode. they’re both in the kitchen. they both led to a confrontation of sorts. they both (potentially) have mikey in the conversation. they’re both shot in this warm hue.

what were the writers intent here? does claire remind him of his mother?

is carmy avoiding claire in s3 the way he’s avoiding donna?

Morning After: Back In The Present

in al anon s2e3, carmy talks about how he has to remind himself that there’s no other shoe. 

carmy: “(have to) remind myself that the sky is not falling. that, um, there is no other shoe. which is incredibly difficult because there’s always another shoe.”

it’s morning in carmy’s apartment and he is on the counter top, looking in the distance. claire comes around and they talk for a moment about the suppression test briefly (which is also connected to mikey) but after he has this interesting look. he smiles at her but he stares at her and (possibly) really sees her for the first time.

claire: “what?”

her smile kind of drops here too. his eyebrows furrow like he’s trying to find something but he’s lost. he always had this disassociated gaze with her but here it almost seemed like he’s finally trying to make a connection and couldn’t find it compared to when i said earlier about him (possibly) cutting the connection on purpose. he looks down and starts to apologize.

carmy: “i’m really sorry. i just um-” claire: “never ever apologize.”

this piece of dialogue is very glaring. claire could have meant well but telling someone to never apologize is such a red flag. especially, when you go back an episode and see that the berzatto family says i love you instead of apologizing it seems. (their relationship seem to always go back to fishes)

carmy: “i just want you to know that this is really nice. so nice that i um.” claire: “you’re waiting for the other shoe.” carmy: “that’s it.” claire: “wanna know a secret?” carmy: “yes.” claire: “nobody’s keeping track of shoes.”

why didn’t she say there isn’t another shoe? or there’s no shoes at all? instead, she said nobody is keeping track of them. what does that mean? for me, my interpretation for this was time. “nobody’s keeping track of time.”

in s1e8, carmy talks about how he lost track of time and mikey died.

carmy: “and the more he wouldn’t respond and the more our relationship kinda strained, the deeper into this i went and the better i got. and the more people i cut out, the quieter my life got. and the routine of the kitchen was so consistent and exacting and busy and hard and alive and i lost track of time and he died.”

i could be right on the shoe/time theory.

claire: “anything else you’re thinking?” carmy: “i’m thinking you’re very, very beautiful.”

more surface level compliments instead of anything that reaches emotional intimacy they need. she shakes her head and he nods. i can’t help but wonder if she was waiting for an i love you from him. at this point she had to have felt something to say it by the s2 finale. she still smiles as if she’s entertaining his avoidance like at the house party.

claire: “well break a leg, bear.”

now, i have many questions for this but all i’ll say is that it’s extremely strange to think back on who calls the other bear. isn’t it the berzatto siblings?! why is she calling him a nickname his siblings call each other? what was the writer's intention here? what was claire trying to say here?

The Uneaten Meal

there’s no dialogue in this scene so this section will be extremely short.

we see that carmy is wearing the beef shirt, something he’s never worn from what i remember. it definitely fits the narrative of what i said earlier about being in a time where mikey (or his presence) was alive.

i even mentioned how he could be adopting some of his behavior from mikey.

i also found it ironic that claire and carmy seems to have these connections with mikey but the moment he talks about his love for her to fak, “i love you, dude. let it rip,” was sent to sydney for approval.

and why wouldn’t she eat his meal that he slaved over? was she just so excited, she couldn’t wait anymore?

this is a great parallel to carmy making sydney a dish, without knowing and it being the best she’s ever had.

there’s still artificial lighting surrounding them. which could be interpreted as a fakeness in their relationship i mentioned earlier.

this is most likely the last scene where reality hasn’t set in for both of them. they’re still stuck in this place/time.

The (Warning) Panic Attack

his panic attack were the final warning bells that he couldn’t hide in the past forever. because in the end, it will all come to the surface/present. maybe claire and carmy’s reunion was the first shoe and his panic attack was the other.

the filter they have on her here reminded me of the fireworks that were reflecting back on them at the house party. fireworks in literature represents short-lived entities.

fireworks symbolism in liturature on google:

fireworks are short-lived entities; they are unimpressive before they are lit, and though dazzling while in action, they go up, explode, and are gone within a matter of seconds.

has anyone else noticed donna and claire were side by side during the panic attack the moment we get to the scene where claire is caressing his face at the house party? the same one i said how strangely it seemed to parallel each other?

in the panic attack, after the scene with claire caressing his face, it jumps straight to donna screaming. coincidence?

i have the full panic attack scene in my “carmy’s panic attack” meta so i’ll link it here for you to go watch it.

which is striking because the slap comes back in this scene but notice how it isn’t in this as saturated as the others? In fact, this scene doesn’t look the way it did in fishes. once donna slaps him we cut straight to sydney with even less saturation. he takes a breath.

in al anon (s2e3), carmy talks about how he has to remind himself to be present.

carmy: “i have to remind myself to breathe sometimes. i have to remind myself to be present, you know.”

donna’s slap could be a “wake up” moment before the present and future comes into view. then we see who that is: sydney.

sydney is representative of his present and future.

which could explain why sydney and carmy have that moment under the table claire ate at. why the music was in reverse before donna slapped him in the panic attack. it could represent time finally resuming.

what i said earlier:

he also said in the s1 finale, carmy realized he doesn’t really know anything about mikey.

which could also parallel the panic attack scene, it could be interpreted as him probably realizing he doesn’t even really have strong feelings for claire.

Breakup By A Restaurant Fridge

his panic attack was the warning and now time is up. when the clock resumed, after it got frozen in time from their first meeting, the past rushed into the surface and started to clash together.

the moment he hears that it was claire’s table, he leaves sydney, who is the present he needs. he ends up falling right back in time to claire’s table.

while carmy serves her his current food, she serves him a reminder of the past (his old boss from new york).

seeing his old boss causes him to freeze. he ends up going back to sydney with the reminder in his brain. He notices the seven fishes are cold, a family dish from the past on the current menu, and he snaps on sydney and even stumble over his words (possibly his past stutter coming back).

ultimately he asks syd to refire/warm him up. she tells him he needs to watch it, a warning to stay here in the present with her. he stills for a moment/melt, and he calms down similar to how he starts to take a breath once he saw sydney in his mind during his panic attack. he apologizes for his behavior. she apologizes as well. he leaves only to end up stuck in the fridge, another reminder of his past with claire in choosing to not call the fridge guy/not go out with sydney.

claire will channel him the past into the present, the one thing he can’t afford. It left him trapped in the fridge (a full circle moment/parallel to the fridge where they met). instead of outside of it this time, he’s inside of one where time stops to hear the past words of claire from that present day on a voicemail: i love you.

i always thought that it was weird that claire left carmy after hearing his words in the freezer. she’s a doctor, wouldn’t she want to remain there to make sure her (ex) boyfriend would live? 

maybe she was so overwhelmed with his words, she couldn’t handle hearing more? at this point, everything is a mystery. 

coincidentally, once she left the fridge, richie went over and called him donna. how many coincidences until it isn’t a coincidence?

in this episode, he reminded me of mikey in those moments. in the fishes episode, mikey and carmy share this very heartbreaking scene where carmy shows his sketch of the bear, the dream they both wanted. after mikey encourages him, carmy leaves in excitement. we’re left with mikey who ends up slapping himself, making the audience to deduce his suffering from his addiction.

carmy was seeing his old boss and mikey seemed to be hearing things (maybe street sounds?) in both scenes. coincidentally, carmy was hearing mikey during his panic attack before the images of food calmed him down in the s1 finale. which further explains the beef shirt carmy wore as he was making claire pasta. throughout this, he could have been trying to adopt mikey’s personality because of how much he missed him or doing it unconsciously.

then we get the parallel where we have a moment with them not being in their right mind which causes carmy to stare at the cannolis with a fork stuck into them and claire leaning on the fridge in tears.

the bear sketch and claire were also in the panic attack scene. carmy stopped communicating with syd which annoyed her the same way carmy got annoyed with mikey not communicating with him.

all could be speculation, but i think there’s something here.

in the fishes episode, we hear this story of richie and mickey’s morning after.

mikey: “things are really starting to spiral out of fucking control.” richie: “oh, we are past the point of no return.” mikey: “it’s not good. and now it’s the next morning right? we’re like fucking rocked.” richie: “rocked!” mikey: “like, i look over at him, i’m like, well jesus fucking christ man.” richie: “i’m looking at you and i don’t even recognize you at that point.” mikey: “it’s like a monster.” richie: “yeah cause you look like a fucking monster. couldn’t even tell it was you.”

this might be connected to s3 carmy.

Overall Conclusion/Questions

i’m going to talk about yannaryartside’s post a bit and try to find some kind of middleground and raise questions to conclude this post.

quoted from yannaryartside’s post:

“It is not like it is bad for Carmen to socialize and whatever. But she removed his agency completely; it feels like manipulation on many levels because she has perceived a lot of his struggle in this area; she also ignored his first reaction to going to the party and flipped her way. Carmy ended up trapped with a lot of immature young adults with whom he definitely has nothing in common. There was no space for actual empathy or connection to him to "come out of his shell." His conversations with Sydney are so natural because of this; there is connection and mutual respect, and he was very out of his shell with her.”

if i didn’t read molly’s interview, i would be ironclad that this was very purposeful on claire’s part to rope him in making him something he’s not. although, since making this meta, i’ve been trying to look at this with a little more nuance with my attempt at neutrality with her character and the topic of manipulation.

as i mentioned in my pushing meta, her offputting words could definitely push him to agree with her and let her take the wheel with him in the passenger seat (literally and figuratively)

but i couldn’t help but think about it from another perspective. i talked about mikey, richie, and fak’s lack of boundaries and how it ultimately could be something both claire and carmy don’t really understand where/when the line is crossed. they both just go along with it because that’s what they’re used to.

claire: “and i feel like you really owe me.”

that line could definitely be easily avoided on her part. it didn’t need to be said but that could have been the push that caused him to go like every other moment they ever had in regards to claire convincing him to do tasks with her.

if anything, that constant acceptance concerns me. if carmy continues to be stripped of his agency during his relationship with claire, how much did her previous relationship take from her to influence this?

how much did she learn from them? how many constant (reluctant) acceptances did she grant before they departed? when was the limit? claire’s relationship history is so vague that she could have been in that previous relationship long term and got out of it right on time for christmas. we definitely need clarification on that.

what if she barely had boundaries so she doesn’t expect it from carmy?

if she’s never learned boundaries, then who are three men that could use her for potential projection? in the end, it seems like it all goes back to fishes.

another question is, how much responsibility do you think claire should have for his lack of agency?

maybe she reverts to this immature (high school) persona because rather than admit to the pushing she might not have liked, like potentially carmy, she pushes him because she saw herself through him. remember when i said carmy is a conduit for the present? but is that manipulative or naive on her part?

the reality of it all could be, they were both just trying to entertain the others past in the present. but how could you be in the present without healing from the past?

that’s why they were frozen in time. they can’t move forward from their past when they’re together. carmy and claire’s relationship was a temporary balm where they could push their past onto each other while they relive/reimagine their high school years.

i just don’t think they realized time will always come knocking on your door eventually.

all of this to say, i don’t know what the writers are smoking over there but i might have gotten into some of their stash by accident.

i guess the other important questions throughout this analysis is how do you feel about claire? how do you feel about her after this meta? what’s next for her character in s3?

thank you to anyone who read this! i’m a perfectionist so i had to rewatch all the scenes i mentioned here over and over again to make sure i got the dialogue correct. sorry this was so long too. i hope this all made sense! my brain was going down this continuous spiral while writing. hopefully that isn’t easily conveyed here lmao. all my metas make me feel so delusional like i’m a paranoid investigator. where’s that red thread?!

feel free to respond or disagree with me!

[devotedlystrangewizard]

totk really is one of those games that make me go "ok thanks for the characters, setting, and general plot, but ill take it from here <3" because the entire historical timeline had so much potential for interesting and nuanced story telling but they just went with the old zelda story formula and YES thats how theyve always done it but botw was such a reset in terms of gameplay that they couldve overhauled how they handle story in totk. but they didnt

[july-19th-club]

i really like george and nick together they're so solid. the thing she needs most in the world is stability (financial and social) and he's just deeply steady and commitment-oriented which gives her the ability to soften up a bit when she knows she has a landing zone that won't fall out from under her. but they also challenge each other, they're fun, their arguments are charming and funny and their chemistry is strong i really really like these two together

[skeletonqueen06]

AU where Ox King literally lives up to his original myth: Great Sage who Pacifies the Heaven. He literally able to go toe-to-toe with the strongest God of Destruction and his strength was exposed thanks to the fact that Chichi had a light spar with Kale and Caulifla when they were drunk and Chichi easily handle Caulifla even after she was transformed into SSJ.

Following this post of mine:

Ok so, maybe not drunk but tipsy.

Chichi told the story about how she got married with Goku and Kale and Caulifla were like "wtf? you're a martial artist? can we spar?" and to everyone surprise, Chichi was able to flung Kale with ease. Then came Caulifla, Chichi was literally able to go toe-to-toe with her in her SSJ form.

And they were like "wtf? how did you do that despite not having much ki at all?" But the other Gods noticed that she was able to fight back by utilizing/manipulating the ki of her surroundings instead of using hers, which means her energy is pretty much limitless. Adding to the fact that Chichi counters Caulifla move is unusual in a way (I'm thinking Tai Chi here since everyone in Dragon Ball loves flashy hard moves), her win is pretty easy.

Beerus was like "why the fuck didn't you bring your wife to the ToP back then?" and Goku was like "Can't help it, she doesn't want to" and Gohan and Goten was like "Was mom ever that strong?" And Goku was like "What do you mean? you already know how strong your mom is." And Chichi was bragging and all and says "It's nothing, your grandpa is way stronger" and that reminded Goku on the day he first try to spar with the Ox King before he married Chichi, and the Ox King literally knocked him out cold with just a flick of his finger ending the match in less than a second. And Goku was like "yeah, that happened. How did I forget that?"

Toppo (or whatever character you want here) for some reason intrigued by this since they were drinking together and asked him if they could spar. And the Ox King was like, "Sure, but I'm already rusty." The moment before they spar, the whole Ox King nature changed. He oozed so much pressure that everyone, especially the Gods, felt the whole planet where they had a picnic in, tremble. Toppo was almost down on his knees at this point because of the said pressure.

Anyway, he won win with ease and yeah, I have a lot more continuation in my head but my fingers are tired of typing. But yeah, that's it.

[hor3nee]

• Fatherhood •

What kind of dads are the JJK men ?

CW/TW: GN! Reader, Mentions of crappy parenting, BREIF mention of pregnancy in Geto's, (Lmk if I should add anything else!)

Characters: Gojo, Geto, Nanami, Sukuna, Toji x Reader

AN: Almost cried writing this the baby fever is going HARD rn dude. Headcanons !

• Gojo •

Menace of a father, but in the good way! Gojo spends his years raising his kids as if he's their best friend, truly and genuinely treats his kids as equals and in a sweet way, allows his children to have complete trust in him. Because Gojo is quite childish himself, he loves playing with his kids, making a fool of himself, and indulging with them.

Has a bit of a bad side to this though, his lack of traditional discipline or making himself the 'adult' in the situation leads the kids to both be very spoiled and not really ever listen to him.

"Sweetheart, darling, my perfect angel, can you please go to bed?? pretty please! Help your old man here, please??"

"Nuh uh!" And with that bout of defiance, he's back to running up to you, like HE'S the child, begging for your help. Because it seems you're the only one who can get the kids in line, and you do.

Plays pranks and teases the hell out of his kids as they get older, always in a loving way of course, but nonetheless loves getting them flustered over his stupidity. Type of dad to do dumbass dances in the middle of a Walmart to embarrass his kids.

• Geto •

Geto is optimum of what it means to be a gentle parent. Cannot, for the life of him, bring it in himself to yell at his kids. He's so soft-spoken, never so much as raising his voice against his children. Geto has children who respond to his voice alone, because it's so lulling, he's familiarized them with it and made them feel safe with it.

Doesn't mean he can't discipline them, of course he can, and he does so extremely gracefully. Whenever you're on your last straw with the kids, fighting the urge to start scolding them and yell, he steps in, smoothly taking over and the kids instantly listen to him.

"We're your parents, honey, c'mon that's not very nice to say, is it? They carried you for 9 months you know. Say sorry." Like magic the kids shut up and come over to you apologizing while Geto stands back, calmly having fixed the situation with ease.

With everything Geto does, has done, experienced etc, he can sometimes feel conflicted. Geto knows what he is capable of, and what he has done, he's extremely self-aware even if he justifies it, and he can struggle to balance the weight of all of it while also remaining a dutiful father.

Despite it, he does wonders keeping it separate from what his children have to see or experience, teaches them respect and kindness and hopes they hold true to it.

• Nanami •

Not a single man on this list fathers as hard as Nanami fathers. He's built for it like no other. Nanami treats fatherhood with his all, he puts his all into it and makes damn certain he does right by it. Stern when necessary, sweet when needed, provides for his kids and refuses to miss any important milestone of theirs.

Nanami is a calm man but the second work starts piling potentially making him miss his kids school play or something he's arguing with his supervisors and ready to throw hands.

He keeps the drawings his kids make on his desk, alongside a photo of you and your kids. Literally just stares at it while working smiling, unable to wait till he's home with the kids. They are his pride and joy genuinely.

No matter how over-worked Nanami may be though, when he comes home you are basically on vacation. Insists you rest and he takes over literally everything involving the kids.

"Darling, darling no, I got this covered. You take rest. You know I love spending time with my kids." He says with an earnest smile, both kids in his beefy arms just dangling around and playing with their father. He's definitely exhausted from work, but that never stops him.

• Sukuna •

The King of the Curses, as cruel and terrifying as he is, taking pleasure in all sorts of sickness and treating love as pointless, legitimately likes his kid.

He doesn't care about fatherhood, or the responsibilities that being a parent entails, but it's nice having a mini version of himself around. That he likes. An extension of himself and you, it's nice to have around he doesn't mind it. He may act aloof about it, not outwardly showing affection like hugs or kisses, but he clearly enjoys it.

He gets a massive ego trip when his kids cause chaos and disturbances. Points at them laughing with his belly "See that? That's mine."

Sukuna never minces his words though, and his kids have to get used to his bluntness. Again, he doesn't care for the concept of 'parenting', and will in their face call the kid some extreme insults and weak and they have to learn to take it.

On the flip side, Sukuna also never minces his praise, and Sukuna has an abundance to give his kids. Every accomplishment or show of strength that they show he'll let them know he's proud. A good ol' fashioned fatherly slap to their shoulder while he praises them.

He treasures his children, and even if he doesn't put much effort into parenting them, you taking over most of it, he's definitely a present figure in their lives.

• Toji •

Went to get milk, hasn't been seen since.

[spicyhamsamson]

I am. So fucking tired of Batman being portrayed as a bad parent and a toxic person. And it’s so goddamn widespread. Fuck, it might be as bad as the whole “Superman being a kindhearted Boy Scout is boring” take.

I get it, the man’s not exactly stable, he watched his parents get murdered in front of him and spent years of his life training to fight crime dressed like a giant scary bat, of course he’s not perfect.

But to say that Bruce Wayne isn’t caring, isn’t empathetic, to call him abusive…it just misses the point of who the character is to me.

Why do you think he fights crime? Yes, part of it is because he’s bitter and sad because his parents were cruelly ripped from him as a child, and he’s lashing out against the corruption of his city. It’s arguably the focus of his earlier years. But he learns to become more than that. He learns to bring hope, a chance to be better.

Harleen Quinzel is the Joker’s right hand lady, but she’s also a victim of an abusive relationship and a woman with a surprisingly strong moral compass and a love for animals, and wants to get better. That’s why we see time and time again that he has a noticeable soft spot for her, because he knows that she’s a good person at her core.

Harvey Dent is a man who will decide someone’s fate on a coin toss(and a pretty inaccurate depiction of DID), but he’s also Bruce’s close friend who clearly needs help learning to live with his condition, rather than try to get rid of it, and someone who he still goes out of his way to visit, even after everything, because he recognizes he’s not just a criminal with a weird gimmick, he’s a man who is struggling with a condition that he’s mishandled his whole life.

Victor Fries is a cold, emotionless man who will callously discard allies and blame them for being careless, but he’s also a man who’s either lashing out because he had the love of his life taken from him, or just desperate to make sure she isn’t taken from him, and is willing to do anything just to guarantee her survival. Of course Batman would understand, his whole life was defined by having people he loved taken away from him.

Even the Joker, arguably one of the most morally bankrupt characters in all of fiction, is someone that Batman has offered a chance to. After the guy shoots the daughter of his friend, a girl he cared for like she was his own kid, and paralyzes her from the waist down, he tells the Joker that he doesn’t want to hurt him. He wants to get him help. He looks at this monster who has taken countless lives and says “You don’t have to be alone.”

For fuck’s sake, he sat with Joe Chill in his last moments so that he wouldn’t be alone. Joe Chill, the man who murdered his parents, who took so much from him, the person responsible for all of the misery and suffering he’s gone through. And he sits with the man to comfort him while dies. Do you know how much emotional intelligence and maturity that must take? To comfort someone who arguably ruined your life?

And you’re gonna tell me the man who did that would abuse his kids?

That he’d hold up the young man whose death was his greatest failure, the boy he grieved, and say this?

That he’d look his goddamn son in the eyes and say this to him?

Why the FUCK do you think he took in Dick Grayson in the first place? It wasn’t because he saw the kid and thought “Ah. A potential soldier.”, it was because he saw a boy experiencing the same heartbreaking loss he had so many years ago, and wanted to make sure he didn’t end up as bitter and miserable as he was.

Why do you think he smiled when Tim Drake presented him a broken watch for Father’s Day? Because he was just happy to see the boy alive and safe.

DAMIAN LITERALLY POINTED AT A COW AND SAID “I’m keeping her. She’s Bat-Cow.” AND BRUCE JUST WENT WITH IT. DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO ARGUE WHY BRUCE SHOULD LET HIM KEEP HER. HE SAID “this cow is my pet now” AND BRUCE SAID “aight, bet”.

The thing about Batman is that he wants to make sure nobody else ends up feeling the way he does. That’s not just about stopping a mugger so a boy’s parents aren’t gunned down. It’s about giving his loved ones the support and care that he couldn’t have, because it was taken from him. It’s about comforting someone who just went through a traumatic experience and letting them know that they’re going to be okay. It’s about going to someone locked away in a cell who thinks that they’re a lost cause and a burden to society and telling them that he wants to help them get better. It’s about EMPATHY and COMPASSION.

That’s what makes him a HERO. He’s meant to inspire us, to show us that we can have that same empathy for others around us, that we can turn our suffering into hope for a better future.

I just wish more people at DC would start recognizing that. But I might as well follow that example myself. Maybe through this struggle of having to see this hero mistreat the people around him and act like a grade-A jackass, people will start to recognize that missing compassion, and slowly but surely, it might come back. After all, what is this post, if not trying to bring attention to the matter in the hopes of fixing it?

[meara-eldestofthemall]

Gee, thanks DC! You Just Turned Bruce Into An Irredeemable Ass.

So, at the end of Gotham War Bruce has officially lost everything. Alfred is still dead, Selina is "presumed dead" and Bruce is both financially and morally broke. Why, you may ask, is Bruce so much worse off this time? Let me count the ways.

He preformed a psychic lobotomy on Jason

The "it's for your own good" excuse only makes the mental rape undertaken by Jason's own father that much more heinous.

Just when you think Bruce can't sink any lower he does. When Dick recognizes that Bruce has lost it, he attempts to use a failsafe disconnect that Bruce himself built into the system. How does Nightwing get thanked for that? Well that brings us to number two on the list.

Batman attacks up his eldest son for doing what he's supposed to do when Batman has gone rouge.

Bruce beats him up because nothing proves you are in control of your sanity like hitting your children. While Dick is holding back, Bruce does no such thing. He hits Nightwing hard enough to send him flying. It could have gotten even worse if Tim hadn't shown up.

Tim arrives and attempts to talk some sense into Batman.

Tim tries to talk Bruce down. It doesn't go well. When Robin is trying to help, as he always does, Batman uses the attempt to reason with him to put the smack down on his son. Bruce could have killed Tim but apparently feels no remorse or guilt.

If there was any teeny tiny little doubt that Bruce will not win the Father of The Year award in 2023 it died a horrible screaming death when Batman abandons his children to potential arrest. Yes, he left a batarang for Dick and Tim but any glimer of possible hope associated with that action was instantly extinguished by Damian's reaction to Batman's callous betrayal.

Bruce abandons Damian.

Look at Dami; he's devastated. Since he came into Bruce's life, Damian has struggled with feelings that he can never earn his father's love and respect. Well, that negative self-image was reinforced in way that may never be repairable. Bruce just utterly destroyed a 13 year old child because of his inability to feel any kind of empathy.

And how does this all end? The best part is that Bruce takes all of his parental responsibilities and dumps them onto Dick.

Thank you Chip Zdarsky and Trini Howard. You've taken Batman from being an edgy anti-hero and made him into a callous monster. Part of me hopes that Bruce never comes back because he doesn't deserve his family.

The only positive aspect in this convoluted mess is that Damian and Tim will be far better off with Dick than with Bruce. Yes, Tim is mostly independent but he still needs guidance (particularly since Tim's first instinct is to try and save Bruce). Damian is essentially Dick's son emotionally anyway so this might help to sustain the positive character growth we've seen in him as of late.

The point of this rant is to wonder what on earth DC thinks they're doing. This story arc has been pure character destruction as far as Bruce is concerned. It's bad storytelling too; rushed, frenetic and massively disappointing.

Hasn't the popularity of Good Dad Bruce in Wayne Family Adventures proved that fans are tired of Bruce being a dark depressed and brooding edge lord? We all accept that Batman is a character with deeeeep issues who is in desperate need of therapy. I, however, draw the line at Bruce being an abusive a**hole.

In years to come when fans wonder when Batman jumped the shark, this is the plot line they'll point to.

[bhaalble]

Back on my Wyll script doctor because I was talking about it with a friend. Specifically imagining a version of Wyll's big Character Choice that felt like it had some actual teeth.

Imagine a world where instead of a cartoon evil hot lady Mizora and Wyll's relationship actually had some complexity to it and like. some genuine push and pull which gives him temptation to stay. I just keep thinking about this 17 year old who his whole life wanted more than anything to be a hero, who got his chance to do something heroic and selfless and save the city from certain doom, and his reward is getting kicked out because he did it the "wrong way".

Imagine if instead of forcing his silence, Mizora instead comforted him. How unbelievably cruel of your father! Well...since you've nowhere else to go, why not stick with me? We make a pretty good team, as it turns out, and I can get you a whole list of monsters who need killing. Plenty of devils and demons loose in your world targetting all sorts of innocents. Our interests can keep aligning, and you get a place to sleep when you need it.

Wyll makes his peace with it, because he has nothing and no one. And Mizora's not GOOD maybe, not by Ulder Ravengard's definition. But she's fun. She delights in his growth. And she does certainly keep direct him at greater evils, devils who really do need killing. And if she spies on his every waking moment, well, she worries. If she sends him after the occasional innocent, well, she had people who she has to answer to as well. She's a devil, how much can he fault her for her nature? She's always seemed like she knew where the line was...

Karlach (and the player) express their doubts, of course, but for act one at least he's defensive. Yes, she punished him and he hates it and its miserable but....he was in breach of contract! She's NEVER gone outside its bounds, she's always stuck very closely to their agreement. Wyll, who wants so badly to trust others and believe everyone has the chance for good, can't find it in him to believe the worst even of a devil.

And Mizora is FOND of Wyll, loves him even in her way. As a cherished pet, as a trusted tool, as a best-laid plan. Never enough to choose his own well-being over her own agenda, never enough to see him as his own person. He's her little project, the long shot noble brat she gambled on when Tiamat decided to get too big for her britches. And it paid off! Wyll always pays off, currying her all the favor from Zariel she so desperately craves. And who are you, or anyone, to come between them? She's treated him well. As she's quick to remind him, she wanted him when no one else did, aided him while the rest of his city slept snug in their beds. And if Ulder Ravengard didn't want a son with a whiff of infernal, then do you REALLY think he'd want you with lovely horns and Avernus in your blood?

You discover his father's been taken. Beyond igniting a lot of old feelings, it brings up a question of succession. Of course, Florrick isnt giving up on him, but if not...there aren't currently any likely candidates to take over the Flaming Fists. Not trustworthy ones. Florrick will take the position, but everyone knows in the back of his mind Ulder never really stopped planning for it to be Wyll. With the city in chaos and a cult army on the rise, they may need an answer sooner rather than later. Wyll feels the call of the Gate, but knows just as well that Mizora wouldn't want him to return in such an official capacity.

For the first time ever the leash starts to chafe in a way he can't keep pushing through.

Act 2 rolls around. Mizora sends up the Warlock signal. After potentially some encouragement from the player, Wyll (NOT THE PLAYER. I DONT KNOW WHY ITS THE PLAYER IN THE GAME ITS WEIRD) hesitantly proposes that maybe, if he does this....they can do a renegotiation of his contract. Not break it, he assures her quickly! Just....reopen the terms, take a looks at the agreement. Maybe discuss an exit ramp? After all....I mean, neither of us truly thought I'd be doing this forever, did we?

Based on Mizora's reaction. Yeah she did.

But fine. She agrees. And Wyll's not mad that it turns out you're rescuing her, not a nameless "operative" for Zariel. He would've done that on his own had she asked. Its the fact that she apparently didn't feel like being honest, that she let him fret and worry about potentially handing Zariel back some runaway for basically no reason. Its the fact that she came here to check in on the cult that abducted his FATHER just to see if Zariel could make any use of them. And its the fact that she seems surprised and annoyed that ANY of this bothers him.

All this builds, of course, to the final confrontation. The basic elements are the same. Mizora outside the coronation (this time needling at Wyll, "I'll be at camp if you're not too high and mighty to consort with the likes of me anymore"), Ulder tadpoled and fighting it. Mizora makes her offer. I can end the contract now, and you're free to go running after daddy (who won't want you btw! not like I do!). You'll lose all your powers, all my aid, all those juicy quests to chase down the greatest monsters in the hells. Take on your father's job and settle in for a life of misery and compromise and only doing as much good as the nobles will let you. Or: pledge yourself to me, eternally. I'll give you a boatload of new powers and eternal life to boot, so long as you serve as my sword and shield.

From there I think three endings branch out, and with it three classes for Wyll. If he stays with Mizora, accepts a relationship where he will never be an equal or a free agent in exchange for the affirmation he wants so badly from his father, he remains a Warlock, with some juiced stats and extra spell slots, along with shiny new gear. If he pledges to follow in his father's footsteps, he instead becomes an Oath of Devotion paladin, pledging himself in service to Tyr, if with a sense of doomed finality. The Blade of Frontiers is officially retired, and along with it any identity he has outside of being his father's son. Or the third path, break the contract without taking his father's role. He will look for his father, yes, but whether or not you find him he's going back to his roots, travelling around to do some good in the world (as the Blade of Frontiers) or kicking ass in the Hells with Karlach (as the Blade of Avernus). In this timeline he becomes a fighter, with a default preference for Eldritch Knight.

What's important: if he breaks his contract then Mizora is NOT hanging around camp. She will leave in a fury, accidentally bound by her own word to withdraw her influence completely if he breaks his contract. She may still approach the player some night to sleep with the player, framed for high approval/romanced players and her trying to take something back from Wyll. But Wyll will have to learn how to define himself without her breathing down his neck, without keeping her happy dominating his every thought. Its nervewracking, and even lonesome at times...but its freedom. And, perhaps, that's worth a little bit of lonesomeness.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I’m just going to throw down my thoughts now real quick. Someone is obviously going to get taken over by Fyodor. This takeover seems to require blood to activate. Here are the potential options, rated lowest to highest by my own personal interest.

Random character we’ve never met - the easy and boring answer. Fyodor will body snatch one of the vampire guards he was communicating with. Fair amount of likelihood since he could easily have made the transfer of blood at any point, though I’m not sure yet if it needs to be an instantaneous thing or if his blood can lie dormant. Either way I think it’s a bit of an ass-pull with no stakes on our cast so I’m hoping this isn’t the case.

A named character outside Meursault - Probably someone he’s had a lot of contact with, so Fukuchi. This depends on the blood having a latency period and is also insanely contrived. I actually hate it more than the random guard.

The Catgirl thief - I’m assuming this is extremely unlikely since the host needs to be alive. But anyways. Women lovers here’s how we lose even worse.

Having said this now, I think it’s fairly obvious it has to be one of the other Meursault four. This is appropriately thematic and tragic, given that all of them place a lot of value on free will and self-determination, which a takeover by Fyodor would rob them of.

Chuuya - He spent a lot of time around Chuuya to be sure but there’s no blood on him. If there’s a latency period though, it is possible. I’m not feeling this one though, to be honest. I don’t see what narrative purpose it serves - Chuuya hasn’t had enough of a role in the manga for this to mean much, other than royally pissing Dazai off (which to be fair is definitely in character for Fyodor). I think it far more likely that Chuuya is going to be a witness for whatever comes next.

Sigma - High likelihood. He did get stabbed and had the memory transfer. I can’t remember whether Fyodor touched him with his wounded hand. It would be brutal for this to happen to him after he’d just broken free from his manipulation. But honestly I don’t know that Sigma getting taken over is all that interesting. For one, they’re going to need his knowledge (though that may be a reason for Fyodor to off him truthfully), and for another, I just don’t think Sigma’s… done enough as a character. I feel it would kind of render his arc in Meursault pointless to end his story here.

Nikolai - The most likely possibility to me. He is holding Fyodor’s severed hand, which he touched to his face. Fyodor’s ability probably kickstarts after his death, and Nikolai was the first to get his blood on him. Sadly, I suspect that if this is the case, this will be the end for Nikolai. If he gets taken over, I can’t see a reason or method to restore him to himself. What a horribly tragic end this would be to our favourite clown, his freedom snatched away for good by the one person he couldn’t help but get attached to.

Dazai - I dismissed this off-hand at first. Of course I did, Dazai is immune to abilities. I also want to be clear that I seriously doubt Asagiri will off his favourite boy like this. But oh man. What if Fyodor’s ability isn’t an ability, much like in the first skk manga team up? What if them both being there is a call-back to Rimbaud who snatched corpses, and Lovecraft who could hurt Dazai? What if Fyodor really has become no longer human - and this is the proof? I was kind of hoping the Meursault arc would end with Dazai (temporarily!) out of the picture, and this would be a way to do it - Atsushi and Akutagawa would have to step up, Chuuya could be more relevant. We could even have more Kyouka if what I’m starting to wonder is true - that Fyodor was involved in the death of her parents. At the same time, Dazai’s special boy plot armour nullification and mysteriousness gives us a plausible reason to bring him back. And all the while maybe they could continue their mind games, with Dazai being an annoying little pest in the back of Fyodor’s mind.

[renshengs]

beyond evil (2021) occupies a very interesting space in the larger expanse of crime shows. like, it is a Cop Show. it is undeniably a Cop Show even if the two main characters, who are both cops for very different reasons, are handled with significantly greater awareness and intention than usual.

it is also, impressively, a show that pierces the real ugly rot of 1) police corruption and its overlap with capitalism 2) atrocious real-life lawmaking 3) the poor handling of femicide in stories. i cannot express how abruptly shocked i was to discover that i did not hate the way this show was carrying itself, despite its crime drama genre, narrative about two homoerotic cops, and its murder mystery premise featuring a plot about a serial killer with solely female victims. here is a story that understands its purpose and is so clear-eyed about it that i did in fact tentatively suspend all my wariness about Cop Shows to watch it—and what i got was a scathing response to every serial killer and true crime documentary out there. a narrative that said: enough. enough. look at the way grief rots people from the inside out. look at the way loss ruins lives. do not forget the sufferings of the innocent.

far too many crime dramas possess an incredibly dehumanizing analytical tone to them that goes, “what if these poor women died in brutal gruesome tragic ways? anyway, look at these men and their heroic journey for justice!” it’s why i can’t fucking stand to watch them for the sake of my blood pressure. while beyond evil is not exempt from using such gruesomeness as a part of its horror aspect, the women in this show, particularly the women who were murdered, occupy such a heavy weight over the narrative that it is impossible to reduce them to what they’re usually reduced to: numbers in files, or cold cases. and because the purpose of beyond evil is to examine the ways grief and loss bring about destruction to people’s lives and communities, these women cannot be seen as numbers. they need to be vivid and real; the audience needs to feel their loss as deeply and gnawingly as the townspeople do. as we would in real life.

personally i’m still surprised at myself for liking a Cop Show this much—because the law enforcement sympathy is unavoidable in a cop show—but then i’m also shocked at how immediately this show establishes its awareness of police power. i don’t mean it gives a passing nod, like a brief disclaimer. i mean that you watch until the end and you’re like: oh! the entire fucking show is about police power and its consequences! this entire goddamn show is about cops’ potential for harm and how it destroys lives! the main character only ever became a cop out of desperation because he realized it would protect him from suffering further at the hands of the police. because he realized it was the only way for him to get access to both the information and the legal power needed to take his own steps to solve his sister’s murder. it’s not radical—it’s a cop show. but it is novel. a cop whose relationship with his own occupation is bitterly resigned at best and traumatic at worst.

this is far from an original thought, but truly i think what makes beyond evil worth watching is that it is so incredibly careful with itself. its meta awareness of its own genre heightens it to a tier above other crime dramas—it knows and rejects voyeuristic perspectives into the lives of people who’ve suffered real loss and tragedy, and so it makes the loss inescapable. every direction you look, someone’s life has been irrevocably altered by the murders you learn about in the story. it gives you no space to push away the murder—no, you need to sit directly in its field of impact. all the fucking time. you are not watching the town suffer, you’re suffering with the town. the story sucks you in and makes you live alongside the rest of them; it's why the first watch hurts so raw. because the story refuses to let you take a true-crime approach. because it refuses to prioritize the narratives of perpetrators over human lives. you are there, and you are hurting.

man. really, if you're going to watch anything, watch this.

[aerkame]

Just a silly thought...and more

Just a silly little thought I had on Wally headcanons while I was trying to take a nap. EDIT: This turned into a short fanfiction, I will now have to make this a full one, there's too much potential.

So like Wally comes off as super out of it when it comes to our world almost. Like he's never been outside of the show, he's so used to being in Welcome Home with all his friends. Wally also seems like he's the only one truly sentient of himself within the show and the outside world.

He also seems pretty smug, or some other version of him does, No doubt Wally's ego has to be through the roof with being the center of attention all the time. Not only that, but he gets to spend all day with each and every one of his friends!

I'd imagine that if one day some poor unfortunate reader just accidentally brings home all of the puppets thinking they're ordinary puppets and wakes up early in the morning to these very odd and colorful strangers in their house. Like the puppets just came to life looking like their cartoon versions of themselves and also became life-sized, even some of the shorter characters just tower over you easily, and Barnaby can hardly fit through any of the doors!

Wally is sitting at the edge of your bed staring at you with Barnaby sleeping against his legs, Frank is looking at your shelves reading through books, sketchbooks, etc, Sally being more interested in the sketchbooks, Julie found some workout equipment and is playing with a jump rope, both Poppy and Howdy are rummaging through the kitchen, already antsy about needing to make stuff, Eddie is pretty interested in your printer, and you're sitting up in bed getting ready to scream bloody murder.

You don't scream though, but you're ready to. You can't tell if you're dreaming or not. Dreams are usually a pretty trippy falling feeling right? This feels real though. Where's that weird falling feeling you get when dreaming? Why are you able to think so clearly? Your brows furrow in deep thought.

Wally just sits there smugly smiling at you, leaning forward to give you a hello, he's so tall you feel like a small child compared to him. "Hello, I'm sorry that we had to meet like this, I hope you don't mind." His voice sounds soothing, monotone, and deep, and he isn't blinking. Instinctively, you slap your hand on his face and keep it there, feeling his expression scrunch up in confusion.

Nope, not a dream.

He gently takes your hand in his and removes you from his face, a small red area showing up where you slapped him.

It took about an hour of talking you down from being freaked out for Wally and the others to introduce themselves. They had sooo many questions of course. Like "What is this thing that makes colored paper come out?", "Why do you have these heavy thingies?" Sally holds up a 50lbs dumbbell with one hand like it's nothing, or "Why aren't you more colorful like us? Ooo can we cover you in paint?"

Needless to say you also had a lot of questions too, none of them were really answered though as all of the colorful characters were busy inspecting your house or were preoccupied with asking you about all sorts of items, they were like little kids. Wally was the only one that seemed to be the more mature one here though, it felt off, like he already knew you or like he was used to this.

At dinner, you went ahead and made food for everyone while also showing Poppy how you cook in this world. You noticed Wally didn't touch anything but the food simply disappeared right before your eyes, leaving you slack-jawed and speechless. "Oh don't worry, that's just how he eats!" Sally waved off your concern. This was starting to freak you out a bit.

After dinner you did your best to find places in the house for everyone to sleep until Wally suggested they all just sleep in your room like one big sleepover...something told you that he just wanted an excuse to be closer to you or to be able to keep a close watch though. Que you being squished in between these giant softies like a kid hiding in a giant pillow fort. Barnaby did make for a comfortable pillow though, and Poppy's feathers were so soft...and..and..you dozed off, not taking notice of Wally's staring eyes.

Sure, Wally has his friends to keep him company, and Welcome Home is such a cheery and colorful world! But it's missing just one thing. You.

[jungkookschin]

older pt 2

think i need someone older, just a little bit colder, take the weight off your shoulders

synopsis: you're childish, delusional, and you don't know how to accept love. but yes, you will in fact hook up with jungkook before you decide to never speak to him again.

word count: 11k

pairing: older!jungkook x afab reader

genre: age gap au (seven years), SMUT, social media au!!!, childhood acquaintance au, fluff, comedy, angsty, outta pocket, alludes to sexual innuendoes warnings: character death (not jk or y/n), cursing, nudity,

author's note: jungkook is definitely colder in this 😄 yall... i dont think ur gonna like this one 😭✋ idk if there is any redeeming their relationship after this one lmao fkfoskd

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3

Jungkook feels his heart sink  as he watches your silhouette disappear into the distance.  He immediately lifts his gaze to the stars, its cheerful twinkling almost mocking the way he has to physically clench his hand over his heart to assuage the aching pain in his chest. He releases a deep sigh and scrunches his facial features, desperately trying to halt the tears accumulating in his pretty eyes. 

It’s not that Jungkook can’t handle rejection. He can. His life experiences surmount yours greatly and he’s been rejected by potential employers, sports teams, his dream school. His masculinity isn’t tarnished by your rejection because he knows love isn’t something to be ashamed of. A love as pure, innocent, and unconditional as his? Expressing that would never be something he would ever regret. 

Rather, he regrets putting it off for so long, dragging you on a string instead of explicitly letting you know how deep his feelings run. He had his reasons, though. You were emotionally vulnerable and he didn’t want to take advantage of that.  The thought makes him want to roll his eyes into his skull because the situation is difficult and there’s never a correct answer. There's nothing he can do. 

Head empty, he thinks he watches the waves crash onto the shore for hours, a cigarette between his fingers and smoke filling his lungs as he attempts to calm his erratic cardiac palpitations. The cold breeze of the night engulfs him completely, and he loses himself under the moonlit sky. 

After some time, he doesn’t know how long, Jungkook walks towards the villa. His large figure is only in an oversized black tee and gray sweatshorts, and for some reason he hasn’t felt the way his temperature dropped significantly to mirror the cool breeze. He almost decides to go inside, but his body pulls back and he opts to sit on a lounge chair while he continues to draw the cigarette to his lips. 

He doesn’t hear the sliding door open, and he doesn’t sense your presence until you stand before him. He cranes his head to the left and sees you- black mini nightgown on and hair damp from the shower. You’re standing uneasily, left hand rubbing your right elbow as your eyes gaze down at him. 

“Can I try?”

Immediately, he scoffs, throwing his cigarette on the ground before he smothers it with his foot.

Expressionless, he looks back at you, fully perceiving your essence and soaking it all in. 

Sometimes he can’t believe how utterly beautiful you are. With the moonlight shining down on you, you’re biting your lip anxiously, and he just wants to smother himself in every crevice of your body. 

He opens his arms for you. 

You gracefully fall into his arms, your bottom resting on the space between his manspread legs, and both your legs resting on his left thigh. He holds your entire body weight with a single arm around your waist.

Regardless of how much you irritate him, or whether you reciprocate the intensity of his love, he’ll always open his arms for you. He’ll let you take him any way you want him. You’re still his best friend, even when you don’t see him or need him the way he sees and needs you. 

You bring a palm up to his cheek, his skin texture keratinized but still soft. “You’re freezing,” you mumble, a concerned expression engulfing your features. He says nothing. Instead he sneaks another arm around the circumference of your stomach and rests his forehead against yours. 

Your eyebrows furrow, and you hold Jungkook’s face with both your hands. You study his facial features deeply- his large boba eyes, his straight nose, his pouty lips- you love this man. 

You close your eyes and press your lips against his. Jungkook reciprocates the kiss with more fervor than you could have ever imagined. 

He immediately takes control, and your hands drop to your sides while his large hands cup your cheeks, attempting to devour you wholly. His tongue slides into your mouth, and yours into his, mouths fusing together as you infinitely intertwine your desires. Jungkook sucks your tongue into his mouth, leaving you to mewl and moan into his mouth as he quite literally leaves you breathless. You don’t realize how he subtly maneuvers you so that you’re lying underneath him until he brings both arms above your head and secures both of your wrists with his hand. His other hand creeps underneath your nightgown, gently kneading and squeezing the fat around your waist. You mewl out, panting underneath him and Jungkook takes this as an opportunity to rub his tongue against yours as he continues playing with your body. 

“Wait- Jungkook- '' you moan out, “your hands are cold.” 

Jungkook draws back, inhaling deeply as he restrains himself from you. Licking his lips, he peers down at you and feels his heart stop. 

You’re the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen. 

The moonlight dimly illuminates your features and body, and your silhouette leaves the faint shadow of your perfect body. Hair perfectly splayed against the lounge chair, you squirm against the lounge chair, chest heaving up and down, all hot and bothered. Your chest pokes against the thin fabric of your nightgown, and your nightgown slides up against the expanse of your thighs, white lace panties revealing themselves. 

Sometimes he wants to lock you up in his room forever, keeping you to himself so no other person has the privilege of laying their eyes on you. 

Licking his lips, he bends over to pick you up, bridal style, before he stumbles into your shared room in the villa. You find yourself on top of him, straddling his mid region while his hands gently massage the fat on your waist, rub up and down your thighs, kneading the flesh of your bottom. Your lips are magnetized, moving in tandem as his tongue languidly explores your mouth. 

The way Jungkook kisses is consuming, intense as he devours you completely. You feel that you are incapable of keeping up with him, his strong arms maneuvering you against his body as he overwhelms you with the way his mouth consumes yours. His tongue explores the inside of your mouth, and you have half the mind to reflect on how dirty it is- the way he has no qualms about burying himself in the impure parts of your body. 

Simultaneously, you have no qualms about bearing the impure parts of your body to him. You want him to see you in every disgusting and nasty way possible. You’ve never been with anyone as skillful and passionate as him. The way his large hands run up and down your body make you feel so safe and secure. It’s like he’s a water-deprived man wandering the desert and you’re the mirage of an island paradise, except you’re real and he can touch you, feel you. Your body feels so soft against his rough hands and he’s bathing in the sweet scent of your shampoo. 

He draws back momentarily to admire you. Your pretty features, the way you’re left breathless, and the way he can see himself in your gorgeous eyes. “Baby, you’re so beautiful,” he utters. 

Baby. That stupid nickname he always uses. That stupid nickname that pissed you off because it meant that he only saw you as a kid, as a child. You always wanted him to see you as a woman.

Now, he says it differently and it makes your chest tighten.

He drops his head and presses kisses to the sensitive spot on your neck that sends shivers throughout your whole body. 

“Your breath smells good,” you mutter, trying to distract yourself from the overstimulating sensation of Jungkook sucking hickeys on your neck. Jungkook is pretty uptight about his hygiene. You can tell about the countless skincare, oralcare, and beauty products on the vanity of your shared bathroom. 

“Even though I smoked?” he asks teasingly, pulling back to gaze at you. 

“I don’t mind. I wanna smoke with you but you’d never let me” you sheepishly respond. 

Jungkook looks right at you stoically, shaking his head. “You’re too precious. Don’t want anything to happen to your cute little princess lungs.” He gently holds your face and draws your lips towards his, like he’s trying to drown you in his love. Your eyes flutter and shirt and you attempt to mimic his passion. 

He pulls back. “But you can do anything you want. You’re a grown woman.”

You shake your head. “I would never do anything to upset you.”

He playfully scoffs at that. “My ass.”

You raise a brow at him, “I’m serious. Anything for you. Any time and anywhere.” Your fingertips trace down his body, down his chest, the hard ridges of his abs, and towards the bulge painfully straining against his pants. 

He sighs like Atlas, holding up the weight of the world to restrain himself from succumbing to the desires running through his mind.

“We don’t have to do anything- whatever you’re comfortable with. ” he mutters and you shudder at the sensation of his hot breath.

“I always dreamed of being with you,” is all you respond with. His eyes trace down your pretty features to your lips, pink, pretty, swollen, and coated in his saliva. His heart skips a beat. 

You become more relaxed when his fingers carefully brush the strands from your face, “It has to be you. Please. I’m good at this. I’ll make you feel so good.  Let me show you. Please,” you plead. 

Tattooed fingers rise to squeeze your cheeks so your lips cutely pucker out. He feels like that’s the craziest thing he’s ever heard, but the way you’re begging, pleading for him sends a chilling sensation running through his body. “Don’t worry about that baby. I’m going to do all the work. I’m gonna take care of you- all you have to do is feel good.”

And feel good you did. Seven hours later, you abruptly wake from your brief one hour nap. Jungkook’s strong arms are still tightly wrapped around your waist. His body is hot like a furnace considering how his chest burns against your back. He’s latched around you so tightly that you’re unable to remove yourself from his embrace. 

“Where you going baby?” he mumbles, morning voice deep and husky.

“I didn’t take a piss yet,” you respond, rubbing your eyes. 

“You did. I carried you to the bathroom and made you pee, so stay with me longer.”

Jungkook ignores your scandalous gasp and pulls you closer so you’re lying chest to chest. “My body is sore,” you murmur into his neck.

“I know baby,” Jungkook responds against your forehead, eyes still fluttered shut. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault. I’ll give you a massage later.”

“How am I gonna hide my hickeys?” you innocently question further, suddenly recalling the details of last night’s events. 

Jungkook was so mind-numbingly sweet and gentle, whispering sweet everythings into your hair while he filled you with mind-numbing pleasure. 

“You’re so gorgeous, beautiful.”

“Wanna do this with you forever and ever.”

“You have no fucking idea what you do to me.”

You sink further into the mattress and nuzzle closer to Jungkook. 

“I’ll give you my hoodie, baby,” he mumbles in response, “Don’t want the guys to know,” he turns on his back and stretches his arms while yawning, “They shouldn’t even perceive you as this way,” he shrugs, regaining his normal voice. 

“Okay,” you mumble, allowing the tranquil of quietness to wash over you both.

“Wanna shower together?” he suddenly perks up, smiling at you crazily with a combination of love and lust in his eyes.

You don’t grace him with a response, shooting up and walking to the shower, knowing fully that Jungkook was admiring your bare backside.

-

Your back rests against the chilly surface of the bathtub, a direct juxtaposition to how the sizzling water filling up the tub begins to warm your aching body. Jungkook on the other side of the tub has your foot in his hand, admiring you while sweetly kneading and pressing into the tender muscles in your foot. 

“Did I go too hard on you baby?” he asks sweetly, lips churning up as he admires you from the opposing side of the tub. 

You playfully scoff and sink further into the tub, mouth blowing bubbles into the water. You could only take so much. Your eyes run up and down his body, Jungkook smirking at the way you shamelessly check him out. His chest and abs are on display, beads of water scattered around his body. He looks like a statue, hair faintly damp from the water. 

“‘m sore, but that’s on me. You were very gentle. Thank you baby,” you say tenderly, to which Jungkook responds by pressing a soft kiss on the top of your foot, cheekily smiling at the use of your own nickname against him.

“Foot fetish,” you giggle, to which Jungkook responds by lifting your foot towards his mouth and pressing a kiss to your big toe. 

“Only for yours. They’re cute, all painted and shit,” he says with a mouth full of toe. 

“You’re such a barbarian,” you tease.

“You like it,” he responds sneakily. 

You draw your foot back and throw yourself onto him, your chests rubbing against each other before your lips mold with his. He closes his eyes and holds you close to his body, his large hand wrapping around the circumference of your thigh and pulling you so that your legs wrap around his large torso. He moans into your mouth and kisses you as messily and hungrily as he did last night. 

You pull back breathlessly. “I do. I like everything you do.”

-

“Here you go Tae,” you say before handing Taehyung a plate of eggs and bacon. All the guys are sitting on the sofas around the large TV, engrossed watching a livestream of the summer Olympics. 

“Thanks,” Taehyung mindlessly responds, taking the plate with his eyes glued to the TV.

You can imagine Jungkook’s confusion when he watches you serve each and every one of his friends their own customized breakfast platters while leaving him with nothing but the occasional uncomfortable glance. 

All his friends are entirely engrossed with athlete An-San shooting in the finals of the women’s archery competition, and though he’s extremely prideful in his country, he’s unable to focus because he’s scrutinizing the way you fidget in the loveseat. 

You’re wearing his hoodie to hide the lovemarks Jungkook scattered on your body- the same body that was pressed against his mere minutes ago. But for some reason, you can’t even meet his gaze. 

Jungkook tries not to overanalyze the situation because he realizes how overwhelming this all can be for you. Both of you are aware that there’s no going back after last night and he hopes your strange behavior is only because  it’s taking a little bit to process everything. 

A sudden gasp from your lips pulls everyone’s attention away from the screen.

“I have an assignment due in an hour! Mingyu oppa, can you help me? It’s a coding assignment,” you express with urgency shooting up from your seat. 

Mingyu’s eyes dart towards Jungkook, the literal Computer Science expert of the group, but Mingyu wouldn’t turn you down so he stands up and wipes his palms on his jeans. Jungkook opens his mouth to say something but it never comes out. 

“Yea sure,” Mingyu agrees, timidly following you into your room, looking back at Jungkook once.  

-

After returning from the villa, he was almost sure that you would start dating after a questionable awkward phase. When he recalls the night spent with you, he feels chills all over his body. There was no way you didn’t feel the same. There was no way you wouldn’t come back to him. 

He would wait for you to graduate before he proposed. Your wedding would be intimate, celebrated exclusively with your loved ones but still luxurious. He had the money for it, after all. Jungkook’s income greatly exceeds the needs of a single man in his twenties and he had more than enough money and was eager to splurge on you. Pretty dresses, designer purses, Dior lip gloss, pilates classes, he would assuredly take care of you for the rest of your life.  

If you wanted to pursue higher education and get your master’s degree, he would finance it completely. If you wanted to move to a different city, he would take you there and find a nice place for you both- anywhere you wanted, he could make it happen. If you wanted to have kids, he would ensure that you had the most healthy and comfortable pregnancy. He would take care of everything. You didn’t even need to lift a finger. 

How can you pretend you don’t want him when you begged for him, when you said you would do anything to please him? When you claimed to love him for years? 

You avoid him like he is the bubonic plague. On the way back from the villa, you rode with Taehyung instead of Jungkook. And when you reached home, you went straight to Yunjin’s place and haven’t returned for a week straight. 

Jungkook’s texts remained unanswered, and he’s upset beyond belief. He doesn’t want to paint you in a negative light so he keeps everything to himself. The only thing he can do is go to the gym and immerse himself in physical pain to distract himself from the mental pain. 

-

“I’m moving out,” you bluntly announce, catching Jungkook completely off guard. After a week, you finally return to Jungkook’s apartment, not even gracing him with a greeting before bursting through his doors and dropping this bomb on him. 

Jungkook scoffs, throwing his gaming controller to the side, shutting off the TV before turning to you. He sways his head to the side to swoop his bangs out of his face and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.  “Is that all you have to say to me? Sit down,” he chastises, pointing to the recliner. 

You cross your arms and frown at him,  but nonetheless acquiesce, sitting on the recliner next to Jungkook’s sofa. 

Jungkook, who always reciprocates your fervor and passion, glares at you with more disappointment than you could ever shoot at him, ignoring the cute pout on your lips and your clumsy attempt at appearing intimidating. 

“Are you going to ignore me forever? Have I ever made you feel like you can’t talk to me about things? Don’t I always listen to you? Care for you?” His emotions spill out, perhaps more harsh than he intended. He almost feels like he has to clutch his heart to assuage the raging pain in his chest because Jungkook just loves you so much. He always put you above others, even when things were strictly platonic. 

“Yes you do, and that’s the point!” you retort, shooting up and gesturing dramatically with your hands, “It’s suffocating to always have you here! I feel so useless and stupid when I’m around you.” 

Jungkook tongues his cheek against the inside of his mouth, impatiently tapping his foot while he squints his eyes and processes everything you’re saying. “So you feel like I suffocate you?”

“I didn’t say that. I said that it’s suffocating, not that you’re suffocating me,” you huff. 

Jungkook laughs to himself, completely invalidating your emotions. His eyes settle on you, and his eyes turn cold. It’s like Jungkook’s presence has full reign over the room’s disposition, because the room turns cold too. 

“Y/N.” 

Your eyes uncomfortably flick towards every corner of the room. “Umm.. yea?”

“What’s the name of your health insurance provider?”

A wave of silence washes over the room and you immediately crimson. You have no fucking clue. Yea, you see what he’s getting at, and you wish you could physically wipe the smug look on his face. Jungkook can scarcely perceive the tears pricking your lash line.

“You’re such a dick,” you mumble, letting yourself sink into the leather of the seat.

He ignores you and bitterly nods his head. “Okay fine. Move out. Where are you gonna get the money to pay rent, Ms. Unemployed?” The sarcasm laced in his voice hits you like an arrow.

You huff once again, inflating with anger before you explode, “If you didn’t know, fucking asshole, my parents died in a car accident and left me a lot of fucking money!” you scream.

He blinks back at you, completely unimpressed, making you feel stupid for blowing up at him.  

You practically weaponized your parents’ death to gain sympathy from him and he’s clearly as apathetic as ever, “So where’s the money at? I’ve been here this whole time and  I haven’t seen any money,” he points out,  “If I knew you were loaded I would have charged you for rent since you wanna be little Ms. Independent,” he mocks.

Your jaw drops again at the rashness of his words. You bring your knees to your chest and twiddle with a strand of hair.  “You’re being mean,” you mumble into your knees.

“And you’re being selfish,” he bluntly responds. 

“Whatever. Fuck you. I just came to get my shit,” you shoot up and march into your room, beginning to throw your clothes into your abnormally large suitcase.

“Yea?” you hear Jungkook’s voice echo from the living room, “And who’s gonna help you carry your shit down the stairs?”

“Fuck you!” you yell back, face turning red with anger. 

Jungkook leans against the doorframe of your win, watching you haphazardly throw everything into your suitcase, reveling in the way tears are flowing down your cheeks and how your chest heaves up and down. 

“Is Yunjin going to be your roommate?” 

“Yes,” you angrily mutter, sniffling and wiping your nose. No matter how angry you are, you have the compulsion to answer any and every question he asks. 

“Just her?” he continues his interrogation and you continue to respond.

“No. Yeonjun, Beomgyu, Soobin, Sunghoon, Heeseung.”

“Who the fuck is that?” his words come out more harsh than intended.

“Sunghoon is just a boy in one of my classes and Heeseung is his best friend. Heeseung is also one of Beomgyu’s childhood best friends so it’s fine,” you say, as if Jungkook is your guardian and you’re trying to rationalize your impulsive actions. 

“Is he the boy you were facetiming at the villa?”Jungkook questions, not missing the way you pause momentarily. 

“Yes. He’s just a friend,” you express, opening the dresser drawer to pull out your intimates. Mostly granny panties but Jungkook raises a brow at the black and red lingerie you try to crumple in your hands. 

“That for me?”

You raise your head to look at him, red face with anger before you chuck the lingerie at his face. Jungkook remains stoic and unphased when the lace fabric hits his chest and lands on the floor. 

You end up leaving his place in tears, pushing him to the side while you clumsily drag your heavy suitcase from his place. Jungkook almost steps forward to carry your bag for you, but he denies his impulse and simply watches you leave. When your car disappears in the distance, he goes straight to your room and lies down on the mattress, falling asleep while your scent is still fresh. 

-

“What happened with you and Y/N?” The casualty of Mingyu’s words punctures Jungkook’s heart like an arrow. He immediately deflates at the mention of your name, glancing downwards and stirring his beer with his straw. 

Taehyung and Mingyu shoot each other knowing glances from each side of the restaurant booth. 

Taehyung steadily redirects his attention towards his best friend. “She moved out, right?” An uncomfortable pause washes over, “Did you guys fight?” 

Jungkook shakes his head, using his chopsticks to turn the meat sizzling on the tabletop grill. “She just… wants to be more independent,” he says, purposely condensing the situation in seven words, with care, so as to not antagonize you in front of his friends. 

Tutting his tongue, Mingyu shakes his head empathetically, “I’m genuinely sorry to hear that…” he momentarily trails off, “Are you okay?”

Before Jungkook can respond, Taehyung shoves a piece of meat in Jungkook’s mouth with his chopsticks. “Hey. Remember who you are. Don’t let a girl fuck with your self respect.”

Jungkook, resembling a bunny with a mouth full of carrots, swallows and looks directly into his friend’s eyes. “You know she’s not just a girl to me.”

“I know,” Taehyung quickly responds, meeting his friend’s gaze with corresponding gravity, “I love Y/N too. But that doesn’t mean you let her actions dictate the quality of your life.”

Jungkook squints his eyes at Taehyung and sets his chopsticks on the table, sighing deeply,  “You know I actually said some pretty childish shit to her.”

“Like what? It couldn’t have been that bad,” Mingyu reasons. 

“I’d rather not repeat it,” Jungkook mumbles, rubbing the nape of his neck, “She said she wanted to move out, that she felt suffocated by me. Shit pissed me off so I was harsh on her and she hasn’t spoken to me in like a month.”

It took Jungkook a good 24 hours to realize that you weren’t on the same page as him. It was horribly presumptuous to assume so in the first place. Perhaps Jungkook mistook your devotion towards him as love, and not what it actually was: hedonistic infatuation. You yourself most likely mistook your obsession for  love, because he knows you’re too kind hearted to purposely mislead him. After that night, you were probably filled with a whirlwind of confusion- maybe because actually being with Jungkook didn’t feel as good as fantasizing about it did.

In other words, you were obsessed with the chase and not with him. 

Well, that probably meant you both are fucked because you already slept together and now there was no going back. 

“I mean…” Mingyu begins, “Y/N’s like what? 20? She probably doesn’t want to be tied down to anything.”

Jungkook bitterly shakes his head and shuts his eyes, “I should have figured.”

“Sleeping around, doing drugs, partying, getting drunk,” Mingyu lists, counting off with his fingers, “She probably shouldn’t be doing those things, but isn’t that what we did when we were in college?”

“That’s true,” Taehyung concurs, side-eyeing Jungkook’s reaction, “We did do all that when we were 20.”

Jungkook visibly winces. 

“And I know you love her,” Mingyu continues, “but right now she clearly isn’t in the headspace to healthily engage romantically with you, so live your own life and let her live hers.”

Jungkook sighs and slaps both hands over his face, hoping that the skin of his palms absorbs the tears prickling his waterline. “I just love her, you know? And the thought of her going through a hoe phase or getting with another guy just hurts,” he explains, allowing his hands to fall back on the table, “I think I’d kill him. I really would.”

“When I’m with her, when we’re together- I don’t know how to explain it- I would do anything for her. Haven’t I done anything for her? I would give her everything if she’d let me,” he unloads, “She just makes me so happy- never even thought I could feel this way- and being without her just sucks so bad.”

“You have done everything for her Koo,” Taehyung comforts, “but you do it because you love her, right? Not because you want anything in return.”

“I want her to at least talk to me, or acknowledge me…” Jungkook mutters, grimacing when a random thought appears in his mind, “Should I just enlist?”

It’s meant light heartedly- he’s half-joking, partially serious. He can’t fathom not having you after getting a taste. He’d rather put himself through the physical anguish of boot camp and military training. It was mandatory for all Korean men anyways. 

“You’re going to leave your life behind for a year and a half because Y/N is ignoring you?” Mingyu articulates, making Jungkook realize how ridiculous the assertion is. 

“Hey hey, that’s not a bad idea,” Taehyung opposes, “Go serve our country and get your mind off a few things. You have to enlist anyway.”

“Look. Go if you want. But don’t just go because of Y/N. C’mon. You’re better than that,” Mingyu rationalizes.

“I don’t know. It’s just an idea,” Jungkook murmurs, banging his head onto the table. 

Silence washes over as the three simply enjoy their meal, not allowing dialogue to intrude on the delicious, savory, and expensive meat entering their mouths. 

Taehyung pulls out his phone, and a few moments later his eyes widen, “Oh shit,” Taehyung utters

“What?” Jungkook and Mingyu question simultaneously.

Taehyung turns his phone around and shows them a random instagram story. 

The image posted on Yunjun's story shows a man and a woman in bed, with the caption "Ewwwwwwww"

Sure enough, it was your glasses on the bedside table, your blanket draped over the sheets, and your clothes scattered across the floor. His eyebrows furrow thoroughly as he scrutinizes the screen.

Jungkook begins the enlistment process that night.

-

You’ve settled into your new home and have been living there comfortably for a few weeks. One perk to having six roommates is that you’re never bored. Yunjin will drop by every other night to indulge in overly meticulous, and probably more harmful, skincare routines. The boys occasionally call you to the living room to play board games or video games, which usually end in drunk laughter and the production of a chaotic, happy memory. 

One of those nights is right now. Truth or drink is a stupid game- super childish, only really played in Wattpad fanfictions and movie adaptations of those same fanfics- but Heeseung suggested it and who really gives a fuck? Right now is the era of recklessness, chaos, and living with full abandonments of regret.

The seven of you sit in a circle with a bottle of vodka and seven shot glasses in the middle. Yunjin is right next to you, as usual, giggling with no thoughts on her mind since she has refused to answer any of the questions. The girl seriously lives a life of secrecy. 

Amidst the giggles and laughter of your friends, you begin to smile too. Beomgyu admits that he caught feelings for a one night stand. Yeonjun admits that he catfished a frat boy as a Discord kitten. Heeseung admits that he already snuck someone into the house.  But really, it’s not as fun when you’re being interrogated. 

“Y/N,” Heeseung blatantly calls you out. You smile haughtily at him, your brows raising like you’re daring him to ask a question.

“Hmmm, okay, I’ll go easy on you,” he teases, “When was the last time you kissed someone?” he asks, and your smile drops.

You gasp and it’s like you’re sucked into a whirlpool of memories. Memories of Jungkook holding you like he would never see you again, whispering the sweetest, mind-chilling things in your ear while you bore the most intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself to him. 

You haven’t disclosed that part of your life to anyone, because it was so intimate and you hold it so dearly to your heart. 

Yunjin nudges you, “Hey, you okay?” 

You shake your head. This is supposed to be fun. Everybody here is revealing their dark secrets and a kiss isn’t even a big deal. You have to play your part too.

You shake your head. “I’m fine,” you smile, “It was probably like, a month ago? I wanna say?” you ponder aloud, making everyone erupt into ooh’s and ahh’s. 

Yunjin gasps scandalously. “You kissed someone and didn’t tell me? You whore!”

You giggle and nudge her back. “You literally have not answered a single question asked!”

And supposedly, you two are so immersed in banter between each other, you don’t notice the other tension zapping around the room. Uncomfortable glances flicker around the room, and Sunghoon grimaces, willingly taking a shot of vodka. 

“Was it Jungkook? Did you finally pull him?” Yeonjun blurts out, rising to his feet.

You playfully stand up and push him. “Hey! It’s not your turn to ask a fucking question!” you slur, “It’s my turn!”

“If Y/N  kissed him, we would’ve definitely heard about it,” Beomgyu mumbles. A lightbulb shows up above his head. “Wait- was it Mingyu?” he questions further. 

“Mingyu is so hot,” Soobin productively inserts into the conversation. 

“It’s not your guys’ turn!” you whine, before clearing your throat and composing yourself, “Sunghoon!” you call out, pointing at him for the dramatic effect, “Is there a girl you’ve got on your mind right now?” the question spills out and Yunjin is the only one who claps in anticipation.

Sunghoon shifts uncomfortably in his seat, pouring a shot into the glass and downing it nearly immediately.

You scandalously gasp, a light bulb appearing above your head as you put the puzzle pieces together. “No way- do you- are you- are you into Yunjin?” you beseech and Yunjin mirrors your scandalous gasp.

“No way!” she drunkenly slurs, “Sorry Sunghoon- I just- I just don’t see you like that, but you are a really handsome, and there’s no doubt that you’ll find a girl soon,” she slurs, soliciting a laugh from some of the other guys and a playful scoff from Sunghoon, who just throws a pillow at her. 

A few rounds later, you find yourself becoming more intoxicated with the amounts of shots you’ve taken, mostly because you refuse to answer any juicy questions about your sex life. You learned some pretty nasty details about your friends that had you squealing and hiding behind the throw pillows. 

Eventually, Soobin throws another question at you. “Y/N!” He points at you, a shot glass in his hand, “Do you think you’ll ever get over Jungkook?”

Yeonjun spits out his drink, prompting Yunjin to pull out her phone to show Heeseung and Sunghoon Jungkook’s instagram. Photos of him and his friends litter the screen, some of him shirtless at the gym, some with his friends, and some with you. One at your high school graduation with your diploma in hand and your cap on Jungkook’s head. Another photo at the beach, with you in the middle and his friends evenly dispersed on both of your sides. 

“Good question Soobin!” Beomgyu exclaims, clapping his hands in agreement. Sunghoon lifts his eyes uncomfortably from the screen to gauge your expression. 

What he didn’t expect was you to hold up the vodka bottle and chug. 

All you want to do is chug your feelings away. Chug your thoughts away. 

You want your head to be empty so you can’t possibly think about Jungkook and how you hurt him, so you don’t think about the dozens of texts he’s sent and how they’ve all been left on Read. You can’t even fathom the possibility of losing him, and you think you’re treading along that path. 

You’re horrible. 

“Holy shit Y/N, stop!” Beomgyu screeches, practically tackling you and swiping the bottle from your hands. 

“She’s finally lost her shit!” Yeonjun exclaims, like he’s been expecting this to happen for years (?)

Heeseung and Sunghoon exchange glances, and it fills Sunghoon with the faintest sense of apprehension. 

Obviously, Sunghoon is into you. You’re too stupid, dense, and probably selfish to realize but Sunghoon is really into you, and everybody knows it except for you and your equally dumb friend Yunjin. 

After moving in, it didn’t take a while for the guys in the house to catch on. Sunghoon remembers the… odd confrontation quite vividly. 

Beomgyu, Soobin, and Yeonjun cornered Sunghoon against the kitchen wall when he returned home from university, bombarding him with invasive questions. 

“Did you only agree to move in because you wanna fuck Y/N?” Beomgyu, in his typical unhinged manner, spat at Sunghoon. 

Sunghoon's brows furrowed in bewilderment as the words bounced around his mind. "Wait, what?" he echoed, his features contorted in pure confusion.

Yeonjun couldn't help but facepalm at Beomgyu's straightforwardness before nudging him with his whole frame. "Okay, listen," Yeonjun interjected, "what Beomgyu is trying to ask is, do you have feelings for Y/N?"

Without hesitation, Sunghoon affirmed, "Yes, I do. I really like her."

Caught off guard by Sunghoon's quick response, Yeonjun and Soobin exchanged suspicious glances, prompting Sunghoon to offer further clarification. "But it's not what you guys think," he hurriedly explained. "It's a genuine, innocent “like”... I just want to treat her right. I'm not looking to pursue anything physical."

Soobin, Yeonjun, and Beomgyu visibly relaxed, exchanging nods of understanding among themselves..

"Got it, man," Soobin reassured Sunghoon with a pat on the back. "We're rooting for you. Let us know if anything develops."

Sunghoon snaps back to the present amidst the chaotic screams, witnessing you and Beomgyu wrestle over the bottle of vodka. You slur your words, “Fucking asshole! Give it back!”

Sensing a pertinent gaze upon him, he locks eyes with Yeonjun, who subtly motions towards you.

Immediately, Sunghoon gets the message. 

Yeonjun clears his throat, “Beomgyu, just take it easy. Let’s all calm down for a moment.” His voice is compelling, and you loosen your grip on the bottle just for Beomgyu to snatch it from your hand and spill it to the floor. 

You scream. 

“How could you do that?!” you slur, “Beomgyu! M-my alcohol! I’m nothing without my alchohol-”

Soobin lets out an exasperated sigh and rises to intervene, gently guiding Beomgyu away from the chaotic scene before motioning for Sunghoon to attend to your intoxicated state. Meanwhile, Heeseung leads Yunjin to her room. 

That evening, Sunghoon assumes the role of caretaker, tending to you with unwavering patience and kindness eerily similar to Jungkook’s. Too bad that you weren’t in the proper state of mind to even realize what’s happening. 

 He carefully carries you to your room, ensuring you're comfortable before tenderly tucking you into bed. 

If anybody else saw him, they’d think he’s pathetic. Taking care of a girl who’s drunk over another man is nearly unfathomable- but he’s doing it because he wants it all. He wants the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, if it means that he’s doing it with you. 

-

One downside to having six roommates (especially ones that like to party) is that it’s really fucking loud all the time.

It’s not that you don’t like to party. You were always the first to buy tickets to a rave or a music festival. 

But these days, it feels like you’ve aged one hundred years because you’d rather spend Friday nights cuddled up with your plushies instead of around people. You like to joke that Sunghoon is your twin because he often locks himself in his room when your roommate’s throw parties. 

You think you’ll visit him this time, so you wrap a blanket around your frame and knock on his door. “It’s me!” you yell through the wood, and you hear the swivel of a gaming chair, footsteps, and the door unlocking before it swings open. “Hey,” he smiles at you, and you’re suddenly hyper aware of the beauty marks littering his face. 

“Hey,” you take a step in, and Sunghoon closes the door behind you and locks it.  “Wanna hang?” you ask sweetly. 

He laughs, plopping back on his gaming chair. “Not joining the party?” 

You plop on his bed, using your blanket to cover your body so you don’t ruin the perfect sheeting on his bed. Sunghoon’s room can be described in one word: clean. His bed is always pristinely made, PC desk and school desk always acutely organized, and clothes folded neatly in his closet.  His gaming setup is quite intricate, two PC’s he built himself with wires and hardware looping intricately through his desk and the computers. He has a flat screen TV hung on the wall in front of his bed and a mini fridge in the corner filled with Diet cokes and ice cream sandwiches. 

Completely different from Heeseung’s room. 

“I’m exhausted from last night. Aren’t you? I don’t remember anything” you explain, grabbing the remote on his nightstand so you can turn the TV on. 

Sunghoon laughs at that, typing away on his light up keyboard while his mouse swivels around the mousepad, playing some FPS game. “You’re a lightweight, Y/N. I remember everything.”

You wave your hand nonchalantly. “Not at all. Not at all. I can handle my liquor better than all of you combined.”

“Uh-huh.” He stands up and walks over to his mini fridge, taking out a Diet coke for himself. “Want an ice cream sandwich?-”

You gasp and immediately nod your head vigorously, slightly resembling a puppy panting for water. Sunghoon thinks you’re adorable. You don’t know that he’s never cared for ice cream sandwiches.  He buys them solely for you and saves them for whenever you unexpectedly drop by. 

He throws one at you and smiles when you enthusiastically breathe it in. He plops down by you on the gaming chair, putting his feet up on the bed. You put on Ninjago and you both share on the screen, occasionally sharing stupid memes between episode breaks.

After finishing up Season 5, the music seems louder than ever, and you groan into his pillows. “Oops sorry, I got some makeup on your pillow-”

“Y/N, I need to tell you something,” Sunghoon suddenly articulates, and you cock your head in curiosity. 

“Don’t get mad at me about the pillow, though,”

“It’s fine,” Sunghoon laughs, “but I just- I just feel like I gotta tell you this.”

“Okay,” you implore, tugging on the loose strings of his sheets, “Go on.”

“Y/N, I like you.”

Oh. 

“And last night, when we were doing Truth or Drink, I felt like the guys made that evidently clear, but you’re into you didn’t realize, did you? You were too wasted.”

Sunghoon's confession hangs in the air, his words heavy with vulnerability. Your heart skips a beat as you process the unexpected declaration.

You nod in concurrence, “I had no idea.”

But before the moment can fully settle, Sunghoon's expression shifts, his features clouded with uncertainty. "Are you into that old guy… Jungkook?" he asks hesitantly, his voice laced with a tinge of sadness.

Your heart sinks as you realize the direction of the conversation. Memories of Jungkook flood your mind, the warmth of his smile and the depth of your connection weighing heavily on your conscience.

"Yeah," you admit, your voice barely above a whisper. "I am."

Sunghoon's smile fades, replaced by a somber acceptance. "I figured as much," he murmurs, a hint of resignation in his tone.

Silence envelops the room, the weight of unspoken emotions lingering between you. Despite this, there is a mutual understanding: Sunghoon never had a chance. 

After a moment of heavy silence, you clear your throat, your gaze shifting to the floor, “I should go.”

Sunghoon nods, unable to find the right words to ease the tension. "Yeah, okay," he replies softly.

As you make your way to the door, Sunghoon pauses, hesitating for a moment before speaking up. "I hope things work out for you and Jungkook," he says, a small, wistful smile playing at the corners of his lips.

"Thank you, Sunghoon," you murmur, a lump forming in your throat.

And that’s the end of that. Clearly, there is no chemistry between you and Sunghoon and it just never was going to ever work out. 😀

-

Despite how you convince yourself that you don’t want him- your heart will never be able to  deny him. Your very soul yearns for him and to deprive yourself of him is to deprive yourself of your greatest longing. 

Jungkook feels the same way, and you’re not ready for him.

You want to disappear. 

A glance into everything makes you look like the crazy bitch, and you’re very self aware of that.  You had the man you’ve been in love with your whole life wrapped around your fingers, and you let go of that.

Granted, you are a crazy bitch, but you certainly have your reasons for behaving the way you do. 

The very sudden death of both your parents lead you to the crippling realization that everything is temporary. You find yourself dreaming of being enfolded in Jungkook’s warmth, his strong arms your protection against the scary, cold world. Then, like he was never there in the first place, he disappears, leaving you to be sucked into the violent, dark void. 

You know how difficult, unhinged, crazy you can be at times, and while Jungkook knows you like no other, you don’t think he’s completely perceived the disarray engulfing your life. You doubt that he’d stick around for the long run once he discovers who you truly are. He’s taken care of you up to now, and you have no intention of relying- no- burdening him for the rest of your life. 

You want to stop being so damn soft, so incapable of controlling your emotions all the time. You want to be someone who can handle herself. 

Then again, Jungkook is the greatest temptation in your life. The way he protects you, the way he becomes so gentle with you- you crave him desperately. 

But the only way to truly have him, to be truly deserving of him is, in other words: to grow the fuck up and be a woman deserving of him. How will you do that? You don’t know. 

After your parents passed away, you’ve been a mess. Your GPA went to shit, and it took months for you to find the will to brush your teeth and shower everyday. That’s disgusting. If anything, you were more of Jungkook’s charity case than Jungkook’s girlfriend. 

You’re really trying- but if you aren’t even capable of taking care of yourself, how will you be capable of taking care of someone as perfect and capable as him? It makes you want to curl into a fetal position and die. 

However, given the intimate bond of your family connections, you understand that Jungkook will forever remain a significant presence in your life. Despite your efforts to ignore him, to pretend like he doesn’t exist- he’ll always be there like a pillar unless he gets struck by lightning and dies which MAY be possible considering that your parents also died unexpectedly (😀). 

The next time you see Jungkook is at his parents’ anniversary party. His parents consider you their first daughter, which may or may not be strange considering that means that Jungkook could technically be your brother- but nonetheless the notion is intrinsically sweet and it makes you feel like you’ll always have a second family. 

No matter where you stand with Jungkook, you’ll always show up for his parents (and for him), which is why you’re all dolled up for the party. 

Usually, you’d bring Yunjin as your plus one, but she’s got another family engagement so you bring your next best man Yeonjun. 

You've yet to divulge the personal intricacies of what transpired between you and Jungkook to your friends, but you reckon that Yeonjun will catch on simply by observing your dynamic at the party. 

Jungkook’s parents like to keep it simple; they opt for hosting a barbeque party at their house, and of course, their handsome son is responsible for grilling the meat. 

You sport a casual look: sneakers and a black sundress while Yeonjun wears a black button up and jorts. In a sense, you kind of resemble a couple, but you don’t even realize that you’re matching until Jungkook’s aunt makes an incriminating comment. 

“My my!” Jungkook’s aunt exclaims, pulling you in for a hug. She always reminds you of Winnie the Pooh; she’s so soft and cuddly. “Y/N! You look so gorgeous!” She does a double take after catching a glimpse of Yeonjun, “and is this your boyfriend? He’s so handsome!”

You’d expect Yeonjun to gag, but he keeps it professional, “Oh not at all auntie,” Yeonjun clarifies, waving his hands, “We’re just friends.”

Jungkook’s aunt shoots Yeonjun a playfully suspicious look, “Ayee~ No need to keep it PG. Y/N’s all grown up! She should be with a handsome boy like you!”

Yeonjun continues to try to explain that things are strictly platonic, but Jungkook’s aunt doesn’t relent so he just goes along with it. 

In a strange, fourth dimension-type way, you do understand why Yeonjun is popular amongst the ladies. Yes, you’ll reluctantly admit that he isn’t the most hideous, and that he does have the height, charisma, and chivalry any girl would love- so you aren’t appalled by the idea- until Jungkook’s aunt says “You two would make such cute babies!”

“Hey Jungkook! You’re burning the meat!”

Jungkook’s father yelling his son grabs your attention, and you whip your head towards the grill. 

As always, you were vaguely aware of Jungkook’s presence in the room, but you can’t help but stare when you actually see him. Again, it’s a barbecue pool party so Jungkook’s wearing an open Hawaiian shirt and swim shorts, meaning that his abs were on display. 

You haven’t seen him in months, and you dare to think that he’s gotten bigger? Yes he looks hot and sexy and amazing, like he always does, but what bothers you is that he seems that he’s doing just fine, and maybe even better without you. 

Jungkook hurriedly flips the meat over with the tongs and hastily throws them onto a nearby plastic plate. “My bad, dad,” he apologizes, rubbing the nape of his neck, before turning his head to look directly at you. 

You stare at each other for a second before you look down, biting your lip in apprehension. Yeonjun, however, is clueless to this. 

“Aye! Jungkook hyung!” he exclaims, running over to Jungkook to dap him up. 

Jungkook gives Yeonjun a brotherly smile. “Hey man. How’s school?”

“Ah, it’s going,” Yeonjun responds with a giggle. Sometimes you think that Yeonjun has a bigger crush on Jungkook than you because this man is literally giggling like a middle schooler. You fight the urge to roll your eyes. 

“Wow hyung! Your abs look amazing! Like a statue!” Yeonjun immediately pistol whips his head towards you, “Y/N! Did you see? Jungkook is here? Come say hi!” he beckons you like your mother would: “Sweetie, say hi to Jungkook! Don’t be rude!”, and it makes you purse your lips. 

Jungkook looks at you, and the only word to describe how he looks is piercing. He looks right at you, right into your soul. No matter where you stand, this man will look right at you and make it mortifyingly clear that he is perceiving you and that you better start perceiving him. 

What can you do when he looks at you like that?

Reluctantly, you saunter over, your arms crossed. 

“Hey,” you murmur, immediately turning your head to look at the pool. 

“What the- what the fuck is wrong with you?” Yeonjun chastises, nudging you with his elbow, “It’s Jungkook! Your favorite person.. Well he’s my favorite person too…” Yeonjun blushes. 

Ignoring Yeonjun, Jungkook leans against the grill. “Want some meat, baby? You look… emaciated.”

My oh my, the things you would do to strangle this man. Firstly, it’s the nickname again. The last time he called you baby, he certainly didn’t mean it how he means it now. He’s doing that thing where he treats you like a little kid again and you hate it. Secondly, it’s the comment about you looking emaciated. You know damn well that you’ve actually gained an extra ten pounds since you’ve seen him- and Jungkook knows your body so you wonder if he’s taking a low blow. 

“Yea, just give me like two ribs,” you mumble, pupils fluttering up at him before returning to the ground. 

Jungkook scoffs in amusement. You can’t even look at him. He places the ribs on the plastic plate, purposely choosing the ones without fat because he knows you find it disgusting. 

‘So,” Jungkook starts, motioning between you and Yeonjun, “Was this on purpose? The matching?”

“Oh not at all,” Yeonjun immediately answers, “In fact, did you know that, on average, 30% of the population wears something black each day? That’s a pretty huge percentage considering that..”

Jungkook nods along, pretending like he’s listening to whatever Yeonjun is saying but his eyes are on you, like they always are. He tongues the inside of his cheek looking at you because you won’t even look at him, you just continuously shift your gaze between the ground and the pool. 

Ridiculous. 

Another thing to note about the Jeon family is that Jungkook isn’t the only Jeon who is madly in love with you. His nephew is too. Well, little four-year old Jacob is as “madly in love” with you as a four-year old can be. 

When little Jacob catches heed of you, he immediately waddles into your arms, and you pick him up and throw him up before catching him. Little Jacob is one of the cutest babies you’ve ever seen- he’s like a little Jungkook, looks just like Jungkook’s baby pictures. 

“Y/N!” he squeals, nuzzling his face into your neck and squeezing you. 

“Hi baby!” you coo, pressing a kiss to his chubby little cheek. 

“I mithed you!” Jacob pouts, before the poor kid literally bursts into tears. “I mithed you so much, and you didn’t even vithit me!”

With a swift motion, Jungkook gently takes his cousin from your embrace, using just one hand to lift him up. "Hey," Jungkook's voice carries a hint of seriousness, "Remember what I told you? Do big kids cry over something that doesn't need to be cried over?"

Jacob pouts, wiping a tear. “N-no, but Y/N didn’t vithit me!”

“Y/N didn’t visit me either, but I’m not crying about it, right? Us Jeon boys don’t cry over those things, alright? Now come swim with your uncle, we can play mermaids.” With that, he whisks his nephew away and throws him into the pool. 

Yeonjun sends you a look of suspicion. 

The car ride back to your place is painful. Yeonjun interrogates you over what really happened between you and Jungkook and you have no choice but to divulge every detail. 

At the end, you burst into tears, and Yeonjun has to buy you an Oreo McFlurry from McDonalds to calm you down. 

-

Three months. 

You haven’t spoken to him or acknowledged his existence for three months. 

Jungkook knows he was harsh on you the last time you spoke, but he didn’t feel like his behavior warranted such indifference from you. At the party, he knows he was being snarky, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t in pain. 

He almost falls over when he sees your friends at the grocery store. Yeonjun and Soobin greet him politely, and Jungkook keeps things simple, just engaging in  the typical “Hey, how’s school” chat. 

These days, Jungkook doesn’t frequent many social outings. For the whole week he’s worked from home and he’s only left to go to the gym and to get food. 

Jungkook hates walking past that stupid, balled up, pile of lingerie mocking him from his hallway floor. He hasn’t found it in him to just pick it up and throw it away, or at least kick it away from his line of sight. 

It’s just there. Laughing in his fucking face because Jungkook wonders what he would think of that lingerie had you two not fallen out. 

Perhaps you would surprise him after a long day of work- a day he only makes it through because he knows he’s coming back to you. Jungkook thinks the red set is cute, but black is undeniably his favorite color- sophisticated, timeless, and alluring- he knows he would prefer the black set. 

He would like the red set on Valentine’s day, the color against your skin as ablaze as his love for you. He would cherish you, hold you tight to him while he gently ravishes you and shows you how good you make him feel, pleasuring you until you begin to push him away. That was the most corny thing he’s ever conceived in his life and that makes him feel even worse. 

A notification lights up the dim room, and Jungkook’s tattooed hand immediately reaches for his phone on the bedside table. 

It was his crazy ex that gifted you a Snorlax keychain and threatened to key his car. 

Jungkook laughs to himself because he realizes this is the universe’s karma for continuously ditching women who were “too into it”. 

He was clearly the one who was too into it now because his stupid ass was already thinking about marriage and children while you were still in college. He runs his hands over his face and smiles at the bitter irony of the situation. 

-

Weeks pass and Jungkook learns to accept his circumstances. It wasn’t really about moving on, because he accepted that he wouldn’t- not easily, at least. It was about moving forward. 

He finds joy in the mundane, waking up early to go to the gym, sitting at his office desk and admiring the city view, occasionally meeting up with his friends and getting drunk. Jungkook reckons he can sustain this lifestyle for the rest of his life but knows that he’ll fold if you ever decide to run back to him, which is why he’s enlisting in a few weeks, to seek normalcy, peace, and stability. 

He bids his final goodbyes to his family, friends, and coworkers. The last thing he needs to say goodbye to is his hair. 

He inhales deeply, standing on the expanse of his balcony, gazing at the illuminating cityscape and twinkling lights.  He holds a barber’s mirror in his left hand and a razor in his right. The chilly breeze blows against his bare upper body and he feels the urge to sloppily do the job to return to the comfort of his cozy bed. He raises the razor towards his head, taking another deep breath while he brings it towards his hairline until- 

The sliding door glides open with a whoosh. He hears your voice breathless and pressing, “You’re going to the army?” 

He briefly considers jumping from the balcony.

“Are you leaving tomorrow?” you repeat. 

He presses his lips together tightly, then pivots to meet your gaze, his expression a mix of utter astonishment. It's been four months since you last spoke to him, and now you're running back? The night before he enlists?

Your eyebrows furrow deeply, you continue yapping,  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jungkook allows his eyes to rest on you. He realizes you’ve cut your hair shoulder length and momentarily, he thinks that you look beautiful with your hair at any length- but that’s not the point. He’s angry- beyond livid, beyond heartbroken, and you think that you can suddenly waltz back into his life after months of ignoring him?

 He tongues his cheek against the inside of his mouth. “You need to leave.”

“I am not leaving,” you enunciate, “We need to talk before you go.” 

You casually stride into his place like it's your own, stubbornly marching into the balcony and plopping yourself down on Jungkook's chair, and Jungkook can’t fathom the audacity.  

He scoffs, “Seriously? I’m not enlisting to get your attention,” he bites his tongue, “You seriously don’t have to be here.”

“I know you’re not,” you reason, tucking your hair behind your ear, looking him right in the eye, “But we have to talk. Haven’t you been the one who’s been wanting to talk this whole time?”

Jungkook 

Jungkook pauses, leaning against the railing while he squints his eyes.“Not everything is about you, Y/N.”

Your lips automatically form into a straight line, expressing your embarrassment at his blunt statement. “I know,” you respond, “I just thought, you know, since your text messages and stuff..”

Jungkook blankly stares at you, shaking his head, disbelief written across his features. “You had months to talk,” he recalls, voice laced with bitterness, “You chose to ignore me.”

You hesitate, “Well I’m not ignoring you anymore, so can’t we talk?”

Jungkook’s gaze hardens, and he shakes his head, not believing the words coming from your mouth, “You’re so fucking selfish-”

“Hey! Do not say that about me!” you shout, your jaw trembling. 

“Yea? So what are you?” Jungkook barks back, “Selfless?” he laughs at that, “Are you happy knowing that I’m going away for two years? Wanna finally get this over with?”

“No Jungkook. I’m not fucking happy to hear that.” you spit back right, fists balling up to your sides, “I don’t give you what you want and suddenly you start acting like a fucking asshole!” you seethe in return. 

“Me? The asshole? Maybe I’ve said some hurtful things to you, but you know that I love you. You know that I care for you. You completely gave up. You gave up on us.”Jungkook scoffs to himself, staring at you incredulously. “Relationships are built on trust and communication,” he states frankly, “and you broke that. I don’t owe you anything anymore.” When the words leave his lips, his mouth becomes dry. 

You pause, features scrunching in contemplation before you lick your lips and nod. “That’s fair,” you shrug, “Do you at least want to hear what I have to say before you go? For closure?” 

Jungkook's expression darkens. Closure? 

Despite his resolve to move forward, he has always subconsciously intended to hold onto his feelings for you. He understands that his reluctance to let you go would linger, but it stings to realize that you were willing to accept that so readily.

He inhales deeply, “I’m listening.”

“Um. Ok,” you uncomfortably glance around, the way his handsome obsidian eyes boring into your soul becoming too much for you. 

“You can’t even look at me.”

“I can!” you immediately counter, redirecting your focus solely on him. “It’s just- fuck- I don’t know how to say it” you mumble, fingers twiddling with the strands of hair that frame your face. 

“You’re a big girl. Use your words,” he states plainly.

“Okay! I can- just- can you stop making that face?”

“What face?”

“Stop looking at me like you hate me or something!” you pout, “It’s making me uneasy- I just want to talk to you like before.”

Jungkook’s expression softens at that, and he runs his fingers through his hair. No matter how cold or detached you become, you'll always be a baby, and he'll always have a soft spot for you. “Go ahead,” he offers. 

“I don’t know,” you begin, running your fingers through your hair, “After we- you know we,” you start to whisper, “slept together,”

Jungkook sighs.

You blink at him momentarily before beginning your digression “I realized we were moving too fast, and I began worrying about shit like how I would contribute financially to our wedding, if I would be a good mom to our kids, how people would view us as a couple,” you explain, arms instinctively crossing while you struggle to maintain eye contact, not missing the way Jungkook’s expression contorts. 

“And it wasn’t that I was super concerned about people’s opinions,” you explain, “I’m worried about being too childish for you. I want to be a girl that you’re proud to be with- super educated, successful, and pretty. That’s the type of girl you should be with. Not a girl who refuses to shower and smells her vagina juices in front of you,” you reason, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“And I’m not even trying to imply that these are traits you specifically care about. I know you love and accept me for me, but I’m not okay with it. I want to be good enough to be your girl, and the whole thing just made me feel so shitty about myself that I couldn’t take it anymore- and- and- and you know our age difference!” you wipe the snot running from your nose, maybe from the chilly weather or the emotions running through your system, “I said I don’t care about people’s opinions, but I don’t want anyone to think you’re a predator or something! Or that you took advantage of me after my parents’ died!”

You conclude your rant with a sigh, your entire body deflating despite the way  you scrutinize the tiny shifts in his facial expressions. His lips twitch up slightly, then he grimaces, then he frowns, but his final expression is one of indifference. 

“Okay,” he says candidly, offering you a small smile, “Thanks for letting me know.”

You stare at him owlishly, and he returns your impassive expression. 

“Umm, is that all you have to say?”

“Is there anything to say? I appreciate you letting me know, but I don’t know what to say either,” he reasons, “If you don’t feel comfortable about coming to me about your feelings, should we really be together? Maybe this was for the better.”

An uncomfortable silence washes over the both of you until Jungkook decides to speak up, a lot less angry and defensive from his demeanor towards the conversation. “You weren’t ready, and I get that. I would have waited for you, y’know.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Jungkook nods understandingly, picking up the hoodie he haphazardly threw on the balcony table before approaching you and draping it over your shoulders. “Thanks for coming over. You should get home now. It’s late.”

At his words, your heart plummets to your ass.

So it really is over. 

You guys talked things out cordially. He would be gone for two  years. There was no hope for either of you. You don’t realize that you’ve stopped breathing, and you inhale sharply, feeling as if oxygen has been depleted from your system. 

You don’t say anything, and you allow him to walk you to the front of his door. He takes a few steps back, still shirtless and hands in the pockets of his baggy basketball shorts. He motions his head towards the door, waiting for you to leave. 

You stand idle, blinking at him and scrutinizing him while he blinks at you. 

Your left hand adjusts the long glittery purse straps that sit on your shoulder. 

“Okay. Bye. Good luck in the military.”

He gives you an awkward smile. “Thanks. You know I’ll be okay.”

“Yea.”

“Get home safely. There’s traffic on the freeway from the lantern festival so take the streets home.”

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

You approach the door, looking back at Jungkook as you begin twisting the doorknob. “Okay.”

Jungkook shoots you a close lipped smile and nods. 

“Yup.”

“Yea.”

Jungkook watches you with an expression of indifference, shifting his weight between both of his legs. He’s not going to do anything, and he doesn’t think you’re going to do anything either.

“Okay,” he announces, slightly impatient, “Bye Y/N. Drive safely.”

You stubbornly shake your head. You can’t let it end this way. You stride towards him, your lips latching onto his passionately, kissing him deeply and romantically. He’s a bit taken aback, but nonetheless uses his large hand to grab you by the neck as he moans into your mouth. He kisses you back, groaning into your lips as he allows you to take the lead. 

You pull back to yank your oversized tee over your head, letting yourself feel his bare skin against yours. “Take me to the bedroom. Please,” you oblige. Jungkook looks at you, eyebrows furrowing deeply as if he’s angry but you know he’s not. He always makes that angry look when he feels conflicted. You run your thumb over his arched eyebrows to soothe him. 

Nonetheless, he grunts, allowing you to wrap your legs around his waist as he carries you to the restroom. 

-

You wake up the next morning, Jungkook’s body pressed up against yours like a furnace. He holds you close to him, skin against skin, his chest against your bare back. You squirm within the confines of his tight embrace, eliciting a deep groan from Jungook’s chest. 

You wrap your smaller palm around the circumference of Jungkook’s wrist and tug. “Kook, wake up. You’re enlisting today,” you murmur sleepily. He grunts and squeezes you tighter, signalling you to shut the fuck up. You open one of his palms and put it right over your face before your lick his entire palm. Jungkook does nothing in response, just wraps his arm around your neck and pulls you so you’re lying on top of him. 

You hit him with your palms. “Kook, let me go!” He secures his arms around your waist and arms, trapping you on top of him. 

He ignores your wriggling and squirming, and just suction cups his lips onto your sensitive neck and sucks. You feel the sensation of his tongue running against your skin, and it tickles, but it feels good, and Jungkook isn’t letting you go. 

After a good few minutes of leaving hickeys along your neck, he flicks his head back onto the pillow and sighs deeply. “Okay,” he breathes out, seemingly refreshed. 

His gaze fixes on the ceiling, tracing the slow rotations of the fan's wings as they circle endlessly. 

You nudge him, “Jungkook? Want to get ready?”

He says nothing, just stares at the ceiling and you sit up, tucking your hair behind your ear as you gaze falls onto the stoicism enveloping his features. “Jungkook?”

His eyes dart towards you, and it’s like everything changes. He finally comes to his senses. “Y/N, get the fuck out of my apartment.”

next part

[dancingtotuyo]

9. the fear of what's to come

Woman | Joel Miller x Female Reader

Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: You and Joel navigate life changing news.

Tags: Joel Miller X Female Reader. Age Gap (13/14 years). HBO Characters. Mostly cannon compliant for show & game. Timeline is changed.

Chapter Warnings: pregnancy, pregnancy symptoms, mentions of potential pregnancy complications including but not limited to miscarriage and stillbirth, single reference to a fetus being a child (not intended in a pro life way), angst, grief, complicated feelings surrounding pregnancy.

Notes: A huge thanks to my amazing beta readers and friends @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin & @janaispunk

If you have not checked out Before, I would encourage you to do so for more backstory on our dear reader!

Words: 3088

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You know three weeks after your missed period what is happening. It’s not hard to figure out. It’s just like last time. Menopause crosses your mind briefly, but the symptoms don’t line up. You’re sensitive to the same foods, nausea rolls in and out like the ocean tides throughout the day. The insatiable craving for a tomato sandwich cements it two days later. Tears run down your cheeks as you quickly finish off the sandwich and prepare another. 

You don’t get excited. You don’t make plans, and most importantly, you don’t tell Joel. You’re 45. Joel is in his late 50s. You know the statistics, the pre-end-of-the-world ones. You can’t imagine they’ve improved. 

Instead, you just hope that when it happens, nothing goes wrong. There’s no DNC, no pills to make sure everything passes properly or ensure no infection sets in. You’ve aided many women through this, many much younger than yourself. Some make it just fine, others have complications with nothing but prayer, poultices, and 20-year-old antibiotics to help. You’re not sure what actually does it when the women make it through. Some of them you've buried. Their faces flicker through your mind. You cannot be one of them. You cannot leave Carter without either of his parents in this world.  

You tell Maria. You tell her everything she needs to know. What to do step by step when it happens. Since Adam’s injury, Dr. Pooley refuses to practice anything more than simple first aid. You’re both certain it’s dementia. You spend most mornings listening to him talk through different lectures he attended. On the mornings his brain won’t cooperate, you sip tea together. He’s writing down what he remembers, but you have to fact-check it. He’s already taught you most of it anyway. 

“You have to tell Joel,” Maria says when you tell her. 

You refuse. You won’t do it. You won’t bring him into this. You have this silent agreement that you’re partners in this world, but he still lives in the house across the street with Ellie. There’s never been discussions about moving in together or anything past that. You don’t call him your boyfriend. He doesn’t call you his girlfriend. Making those commitments, those plans, it will hurt too much when the world takes him away. 

Carter calls him “Daddy.” It makes Joel smile every time. He’s accepted that commitment. It makes you smile too, but there’s still a little ache in your heart each time. Carter knows about Gabe. You tell him stories all the time. If you ask him, he says he has two daddies. One here and one in heaven. 

But you won’t tell Joel about this child. He’s lost one. He doesn’t need to lose another. 

Maria fights you on it. She looks at her son pointing out that she was 2 years older than you are now when he was born healthy. You don’t remind her she almost died, but she sees it in your eyes. You still have nightmares about that night.

You’re firm. You’re not going to tell Joel. Neither will she, and she damn sure won’t tell Tommy either. 

You wait for the cramps and the blood, but they never come. You hit the 3-month mark, your 2nd trimester at the beginning of October. You don’t cry in the bathroom. You square your shoulders. Second-trimester miscarriages happen. Stillbirths happen, but hope gathers in the depths of your soul, growing with each day. You push it away with logic and reasoning. 

Two sides of you war against each other. You can’t bring another life into this world. At one point you were okay with it. You felt safe here, and while you still do, it doesn’t feel okay anymore. The world still digs its ugly claws into this community. Yet, the hopes you used to hold in your mind, the ones you had with Gabe, and the ones you had before the outbreak still linger. In a perfect, uncomplicated world, this is what you would choose. 

You hide the sickness from Joel with relative ease. He’s often awake and out of bed before you for patrol shifts, early morning chores, or waking up with Carter so you can sleep in.

You deliver the Crosby twins a week later without complications. Melissa is only a couple of years younger than you, but at your age, you know how crucial those few years are. When you finally reach your front porch, you sit in the darkness of Wyoming and finally let the tears fall because fate seems to be telling you that this is happening, or just sending you another person to lose. The realization hits you like a freight train. Time is up. You have to tell Joel. 

You crack open the door to Carter’s bedroom. He’s sound asleep and it relieves you to know he's here. You’re less on edge when he’s close, and It means Joel picked him up from Maria and Tommy’s. It means Joel is in your bed.

Sure enough, he’s there when you creep in. He sleeps on his side curled up over your pillow. You roll your eyes. Yes, it's endearing, but it’s also a pain in the ass to get your pillow back.

The bathroom light is blinding at first, but your eyes slowly adjust as you turn on the shower and steam fills the space. Goosebumps spread across your skin as you undress, catching sight of yourself in the mirror. You’ve noticed the subtle changes in your body over these past couple of months, but they’re becoming more noticeable. Your breasts have grown, they’re so sensitive, and your sports bra pulls at the seams. Joel commented on it last week. You joked you were packing on extra weight for winter acting like it was nothing. 

Your favorite pair of jeans no longer fit. You’ve mostly stuck to leggings since. You’re starting to clock the subtle changes in your body. They’re happening faster than with your last pregnancy. The past week, you’ve shut Joel down sexually, scared he would catch on despite your sex drive skyrocketing. It’s been difficult. 

The shower washes away everything: the sweat and grime of the day, your tears, the tension in your muscles. You stand under the water until it runs cold, slipping on Joel’s worn soft t-shirt.

Your pillow is back on your side of the bed, Joel still on his side. A smile creeps onto your face. He keeps his eyes closed, but you know he’s awake. You don’t say anything as you slide into bed, but your anxiety spikes, your heart fluttering in your chest. You have to tell him. 

You’re staring at the ceiling when he breaks the silence. “What happened?” 

You suck in a breath. He thinks something went wrong tonight. He’s probably preparing to dig a grave. “Nothing, mom and babies are fine.”

“So it was twins?” 

“Yeah.” You had suspected as much, but the ultrasound machine doesn’t work, try as you might to get it operational. You hadn’t been able to find a second heartbeat with the Doppler. 

“So what’s buggin you?” His drawl is deeper, soaked with sleep. 

He scoots a little closer, hot breath tickling your ear. You can’t move. You should look him in the eye when you tell him, but you can’t. The words are at the back of your throat surging forward toward your lips. The anxiety in your chest feels like a herd of buffalo stomping across the countryside. You squeeze your eyes shut to try and stop it.

“Sweetheart?” His hand reaches toward you, eyes trained on your profile as concern laces his brow. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

His hand stops over your arm. You feel its warmth so close, and then it goes away. You dare to look at him. You expect him to get out of bed and bolt. You don’t know why. He’s only shown you otherwise the entirety of your relationship, but this is more than either of you signed up for. Instead, you watch as it sinks in. He connects the dots, all the symptoms and signs that were right in front of his face, his subconscious absorbing them, but refusing to put it all together. 

“I’m sorry,” you say.

You look back toward the ceiling, tears slipping from your eyes. 

His hand covers your abdomen, forehead pressing against your temple. He starts to feel the changes to your body for what they are. You shudder. 

“How long have you known?”

There’s not a trace of judgment or fear in his voice, but it does little to assure you. You’re scared. It doesn’t matter what Joel says or does, the fear is overwhelming. 

“Beginning of August.”

“Shit, baby.” He pulls you into him, cradling your head against his chest. “You didn’t have to carry this alone.”

“I didn’t think it would last.” After months of holding the tears back, you finally let them out, a mix of relief and fear. “I didn’t- I didn’t want you to-” 

You can’t finish it. You can’t say it out loud, but Joel knows what you’re trying to say. You didn’t want him to lose another child, and it wrecks him. His grip on you is crushing, but it soothes your shaking frame. Just as you come down, his sobs greet your ear because he’s scared too. Every single fear and anxiety that has come over you the past months, he feels too. Maria’s labor and delivery flash through his mind. If that happens to you, who’s going to save you? 

You reach up to cradle his face. He presses into your neck. Your skin is sticky and salty again, but you don’t even think about it as the man you love and can’t tell cries in your arms. You’re unable to return his soothing squeeze, but you lay there to provide any comfort you can. The two of you fall asleep tangled in each other. 

You feel Joel’s fingers dancing across your abdomen before you’re fully conscious. There’s no rhyme or reason to his movements. His other hand brushes over your temple and through your hair. Every once in a while you feel his breath and lips across your neck, up and down your arm, over your collarbone. It feels like he’s memorizing you, fear present in all of his movements even now. 

You finally open your eyes. His movements still as you look at him. There are tears in his eyes as his head falls forward, resting against yours. “I’m scared.”

“Me too.” You reach out, nails raking across his arm. 

He shudders under your touch. “I wish you told me sooner.” 

You bit your lips. “I’m sorry.” 

He lets out a deep sigh, kissing your forehead. His hand drifts to your abdomen again. You watch his eyes, so expressive filled with fear and anxiety and maybe a little bit of awe and guilt?

“I should’ve been more careful.”

You press your head to his, inhaling softly. “We.”

Joel’s fingers scrape along your jaw, his beard rough against your chin. “I like being a we.”

“Me too.”

Silence settles between the two of you. The wind knocks against the window, but it’s warm next to Joel. His arm snakes around you, tugging you closer to him. 

“I suppose you’ve told Maria?”

You can’t hide the guilty smile on your lips. “If it makes a difference, she told me I needed to tell you right away. Pretty sure she was gonna tell you herself if I didn’t do it soon.” You mess with the collar of his shirt. 

“How long do we have?”

“Figure it’ll be May. If we get that far.” You say. Joel nods and something clenches around your heart, a need to protect him, warn him of the danger. “You know there’s a lot of risks. No guarantee…” 

“One day at a time.” He kisses your cheek but you see all the fear he’s pushing away plastered to his face like a movie poster. 

Joel asks you how you are, but other than that, you don’t talk about it. You feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders but there’s an anvil hanging above your head, waiting to drop at a moment’s notice. 

You’ve outgrown your last pair of jeans. When you manage to trade with someone, they give you a look, like they know what’s going on inside your body. 

You take more naps, sometimes at the clinic, sometimes on the couch. You’re constantly tired. Maria brings dinner to the house every few days. She never asked, but you don’t complain. 

One evening you open your eyes to find Ellie staring down at you, worry etched in her features. It startles you at first. 

“You’ve been sleeping a lot lately,” She says. 

“You’ve noticed?” You pull yourself into a seated position. It feels like someone shoved a bunch of cotton into your mouth. You reach for the now room-temperature water on your end table. 

“You only take naps when you’re sick or depressed.” You raise an eyebrow at her. She crosses her arms as if to say she knows you’re neither right now. “What’s going on?”

You finish off the water. Despite its temperature, it helps. “I’m fine.” You reach out, placing a hand on her shoulder, but it does nothing. At 17 years old, Ellie is turning into a woman before your very eyes. At times, you’re convinced any semblance of childhood has been replaced with adulthood, but there are other times you still see the slivers of the girl you met two and a half years ago. Right now, she’s the one sitting in front of you.  

“Bullshit. What’s going on? You and Joel have been acting weird.”

Had things really been that different in the past couple of weeks? You open your mouth to speak, unsure of what to say. You and Joel hadn’t talked about telling anyone, which seemed silly. You can’t hide this forever. 

The door opens and Carter bursts in with Joel on his heels. A smile instantly finds your lips. 

“Mommy! Look!” He holds up a package of seemingly new Crayola crayons. 

Your eyes widen with exaggeration. “Wow, buddy. That’s awesome.”

“John Lacy found a bunch of them on patrol. They handed them out today,” Joel smiles. “Grabbed you some colored pencils.” He hands a set of non-crayola pencils to Ellie.

“Thanks.” She smiles but is still distracted by her worry over you. 

Carter crawls up beside you, eagerly pulling out the surprisingly intact crayons one by one. Joel leans over to kiss your cheek and tousles Ellie’s hair. She makes a face of displeasure but doesn’t fight him on it.

“You two look like you were talkin about somethin serious.”

“I was trying to figure out why the two of you have been acting weird,” Ellie says. 

Joel’s drops to unreadable. He looks at you and you shrug in response. “We have to tell them eventually.”

Worry makes its home on Ellie’s face. “So something is wrong with you.with you.”

“Nothing is wrong with me.” You sigh deeply. You run your fingers over Carter’s head, kissing it. 

“You’re sure acting like there is,” She says impatiently.

“Ellie,” Joel reprimands, traces of his asshole voice laced into it. 

Ellie bites her lip. It looks like she might be fighting off tears as she looks directly at you. “I’m worried about you.”

You force a smile, leaning forward. Your forearms rest on your knees. One would think it would get easier to say each time. Instead, it’s like picking at a scab that’s not healed. You’re forcing yourself to say something, your brain isn’t ready to accept. “I’m pregnant.”

Ellie sits up straighter, her eyes widen with shock. “Oh wow…”

You wonder if the pictures fill her mind too. She saw Maria the night Elias was born. She saw the blood that covered you. Joel’s fingers brush over your shoulder, squeezing it lightly before they run over the back of your neck. You lean against him. “I’m sorry we worried you. We’re still getting used to the idea,” You say. 

She nods and then her arms around your neck. She basically knocks you backward with the force of it. “I’m glad you’re not dying.”

You squeeze her tightly, a faint lilt of humor in your voice. “Me too.”

Then her voice drops to a whisper right at your ear. “You’ll be okay. I know you will.”  

Your head rests on Joel’s bare chest that night. The full moon sends light drifting through your window, casting the room in a cool glow. You play absentmindedly with the hair on his chest. His heart beats under your ear. The room is otherwise silent. 

“I told Tommy today.” 

You nod. 

“He wanted to know why I was so quiet. Told him I was always quiet.”

That pulls a smile across your lips. “Surprised he shut up long enough to notice.”

Joel chuckles. His arm around you tightens. His lips find your forehead. “I know we’re not ready to think too much about it.”

“Don’t think it’s something we can really ignore.” You nuzzle further into him. 

“Baby steps.” He kisses your nose this time.

You quirk an eyebrow. “Baby steps? Really?” You flip onto your stomach while you still can.

He chuckles. “Poor word choice.”

You kiss his bicep and then his shoulder. He looks at you like your entire world and your stomach erupts in butterflies and twists in knots all at the same time. You still won’t let him say it, but you feel it every time he looks at you like that. 

You rest your chin on his shoulder. “What are these steps you had in mind?”

His thumb traces over your jaw and cheek. “Don’t bolt on me, okay?”

“I think it’s a little late for that.”

He chuckles and then inhales deeply. “I think we should probably share a house. I figured you’d prefer to stay here, but it’s up to you.” He searches your eyes for any signs of panic or signs that you might shut down but finds nothing. In fact, you’re so calm that it’s hard to read. 

“It would be nice to have you officially living here,” you say. It feels right to say, to think about. “And Ellie if she wants.” 

“That was easier than I’d thought it would be.”

“You pretty much live here as is.” You turn on your side, nuzzling back into him. “I’ll miss your fireplace though.”

Joel smiles. “Guess I'll just have to keep you warm instead.” 

[pinkcowzz]

something about tim & dick’s relationship makes me feel so. !!!

they are both such complex characters and it really makes my heart feel so heavy to think about them for too long.

like. dick created robin out of his parents blood. the costume was inspired by his family's colors. the name was one he was given by his mother and the only reason he took up the role was because he wanted to get justice (revenge really) for his parents death. he was taken in by bruce who was SO YOUNG at the time and who was still learning how to cope with his own loss still. their relationship was built off of that shared grief and understanding. but then one day, dick learned to let go of that grief. he was able to not let it consume and control him. and he grew tired of living in the dark nest that bruce built for them. and bruce doesn't know how to deal with someone else he loves leaving him so he kicks dick out. like yes bruce is dick's father figure of course he is. but he was also his brother in a weird way. dick didn't want or need for his parents to be replaced so bruce offered him something different. he offered him a partnership. and partners are supposed to be equal but somehow bruce ended up placing himself higher than dick and it was suffocating so he had to leave.

and in dicks absence, bruce finds another kid. this time, it's a kid who does need a parent. jason's relationship with bruce is so different than the one that dick had and i have to imagine that it hurt. it hurts to see your father be better for someone else. it makes you think why? why not me? why wasn't i good enough? and to make matters worse bruce gave away dick's blood without a second thought. jason is given the mantle of robin and my god i cannot imagine the pain it caused dick to see someone else flying around in his colors. that was his name. and dick is still just a kid. yeah he's like legally an adult but his prefrontal cortex was nowhere near developed. so he's bitter and short and rude to jason. he has to take time to get used to having another kid at the manor and another kid in his colors but its fine! its fine! he does come around eventually and his guard starts to come down and he commits to being there for jason. but it was too late. dick leaves the planet to be a hero and when he comes back? jason is dead. the kid he was just starting to get used to is dead.

not only is he dead, but he's already in the ground and bruce? bruce goddamn wayne didn't even bother to tell him. how in the world could bruce ever consider them partners. as far as dick was concerned bruce was just as good as dead to him as jason was. and it hurts. it hurts to not be able to go home without seeing the ghost of a kid you chose not to protect, the ghost of a kid who died too soon wearing the same colors that your parents died in.

so dick doesn't go home. he doesn't speak to bruce. he builds himself a new life, the teen titans become dicks home. and he's okay with this. his origin is so similar to bruce's but he refuses to be the same as batman. so he faces his ghosts. he doesn't let them haunt him. he hears about haly's circus potentially getting shut down and he goes to deal with it.

and here is where dick meets tim drake for the first time. tim who tried to help him save haly's circus (albeit he accused the wrong guy but he was trying). tim tells dick that he needs to save batman.

and so dick brings him back to the manor. where tim tells dick just how important he was to his childhood. tim explains how that night at the circus shaped him just as deeply as it shaped dick. tim shares this complete and utter faith in robin, as if robin is enough to save batman from his own grief. but dick knows this isn't true. dick was barely enough to save himself from his own grief much less bruces. but nonetheless bruce saved dick when he was at his absolute lowest. gave him something to believe in. so maybe, just maybe, he can try again for bruce. but not as robin. it can't be robin. his partnership with batman died when he was kicked out and it was buried when he was kept out of the loop about jason. but tim knows that batman needs more than nightwing by his side. so he takes up the robin mantle. he takes it upon himself to 'save' batman. and in a way, he does. he helps bring bruce back from the edge.

and dick. the last time someone took up his families colors, someone died. and he refuses to allow that again. he refuses to be the reason that tim suffers. so he becomes the older brother he couldn't quite bring himself to be for jason. and to tim? he's wearing the mantle of two robins on his back.

his own standards are set so high and he tries his damndest to meet them every time that he puts on the mask because he knows where the colors of the suit came from. he knows why dick created this identity. he was there. he saw the grayson's fall.

and for a while, things are good between them. things are great even.

then the attack at titan's tower happens. and tim is told that he is just a placeholder (not a replacement like fannon likes to claim, but the words jason todd used were placeholder). and seeds of doubt start to be planted. was he ever wanted? was he ever truly appreciated? he did steal the suit the first time he put it on. was it fair for him to wear the colors that were born of dicks blood and that jason died in?

then tim loses his whole support system. stephanie. bart and kon. his dad. and finally, bruce.

dick has been so committed to never being like bruce. he has been so dedicated to relying on those who offer him help. nightwing is pillar in the hero community, but batman. batman was the foundation. he is considered a founding member of the justice league. he doesn't want to take up the mantle. it had never been in his plans. but jason proved too unstable to take up the role and of course he can't ask tim to. so he dawns the cowl he has grown to hate.

this just leaves one little problem. damian.

damian who has just been dropped off on bruce's porch by talia. damian who grew up in the league of assassins and is so out of place in gotham that dick doesn't know what to do. he never asked to be batman and he definitely never asked to be a father. yet here he is. having to do both. so he does what bruce did all those years ago and provides damian with the mantle that he created in order to give this kid some sort of outlet. he knows damian needs it.

by some unfortunate twist of fate, dick has unknowingly created such a painful parallel between his own firing and tim's.

and then tim discovers that bruce isn't really dead.

and this kills dick just a little bit more. of course he wants to believe tim. of course he wants his dad back. he wants someone else to be the one to make these hard calls and he wants someone else to parent damian. he doesn't want to be the one who has to fire his little brother in order to save the other.

but he can't take that chance. he can't risk the hope. because losing it would actually ruin dick. so he tells tim it isn't possible. because to dick? it can't be possible.

and this just furthers the wedge between the two of them. tim feels abandoned and lost and he feels as if he has nothing left.

and dick doesn't understand why tim can't see that he's right here. he's right here tim i'm still here why aren't i enough for you to stay?

anyway this got away from me a little bit but god their relationship could make angels weep it truly makes my heart stop if i think about it too much.

[stardustbuck]

there’s a legit reason i don’t/didn’t like marisol or natalia as LI for eddie and buck. it’s because kristin reidel shoved them into these relationships rather than actually built them up and made them interesting, connected them to the plot, and lastly because she is known to have hated bvddie. these LI’s were thrown together poorly, we don’t feel particularly connected to these characters, none of them have ties to the show besides being brought in as a LI which tim minear has literally said is smth that’s very hard to do, bringing in a new character simply to be a LI that is. which is true, when you’re seasons deep into a show and you have characters people love and adore it’s very hard to just bring in someone simply to be that characters romance and have nothing else to do with the plot in the show. hen and karen are established from the beginning, we grow with them. maddie is buck’s sister and works for dispatch. athena and bobby are well loved separately before they’re eventually put together at the end of s1. hell, even taylor was able to be integrated into the plot very well via her job (even if it didn’t work out in the end)

neither marisol and natalia have ties to the general plot of the show outside of simply being brought in as a romantic interest. which in itself it fine, but with a show like 911 it’s hard to make an audience connect and feel for a character that does not experience the things our main cast deals with.

so when you bring in a character like tommy for buck (which was out of pure coincidence that he ended up being buck’s LI) who was previously in the 118, is friends with chim, hen and bobby, is in the same line of work (athena & maddie adjacent) is written to be shown he is well liked among buck’s friends (and ofc buck as well) and who risks his life and job to help save people that buck loves, it’s no wonder why people immediately fell in love with this ship.

the substance is there. the potential for so much more lies ahead with buck and tommy. they have the potential to have henren, madney and bathena like moments.

as for eddie, i think he deserves to find romance in his own time and when he’s ready (im a bucktommy endgamer ofc but if that just so happens to bvddie then that’s that) not because he feels he needs to and with marisol he felt he needed to because of all of the blind dates he was being put through to “find someone” and “get over shannon”

overall, i think they hit a goldmine with bucktommy and i can only hope that eddie may one day get the same.

[chickenjokey]

Satellite

Hi everyone, and welcome! ^-^

This is my very first post on Tumblr, annddd my very first fanfiction I have ever wrote! Please be kind (I am scared) and thank you for reading if you do! <3 This is very lightly edited, so I apologize for any inconsistencies/grammar/or OOC characters.

Description: It's a late night on the Sunny, and you can't stop thinking about that moss-head, Zoro. You sit below the stars as you replay the events of the day when you ask Zoro to train with you where you accidentally land on him, causing some feelings to arise.

NO MINORS ALLOWED THIS IS A STRICTLY 18+ STORY!

Content warning and brief description: sexual themes/smut at end, slight choking/loving Zoro/ Dom Zoro/ fem AFAB reader/ (Y/N) used

Word count: 8K

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It was a long night in the Thousands Sunny. You lay wide awake in bed, staring at the wooden ceiling. Your hair has become knotted and tangled from all the tossing and turning you have done to try and get comfortable, but to no avail. The soft hissing of the wind leaking into your room through tiny cracks and holes was always a calming sound, but tonight, it felt like the wind itself was laughing at you. You heaved an annoyed sigh as you could only imagine how late it was, and you would be exhausted if you didn’t sleep now.

The soft snores and breathing of Nami and Robin could just barely be heard over the sounds of the waves crashing onto the boat. It felt like your body was buzzing with energy despite using it all up to train today. But that’s where your mind is right now. That’s why you can’t sleep. You can’t close your eyes for more than a few seconds before your mind replays today's events. 

Your body sits up straight. You needed fresh air and to clear your mind. Slowly but surely, you unravel yourself from the tangle of your sheets and press your feet against the cool floor. It was definitely a wanted feeling; to feel a stark contrast of temperature against your body seemed to give you the motivation you needed to slip on your favorite slippers and slowly open the door. It seemed the door-squeaking gods were smiling upon you this night since the rusted handles didn’t complain loudly enough to wake either Nami or Robin. With a sigh of relief, you closed the door softly behind you and exited the main deck. You remember a few moments too late to bring a blanket or jacket as the nights can bring colder temperatures. Too late… you thought in despair as you wrapped your arms around your chest. Your thin night dress didn’t help an ounce to conceal the body heat that was pretty quickly being blown off of you by the salty wind. 

You made your way out to the open, where you could visibly see the stars twinkling their hello’s at you. You find a comfy seat and tuck your knees under you. Your head finds its home at the top of your spine, where you admire the beauty of the night sky. Feelings of peacefulness and wonder fill your chest, replacing the ocean air as it leaves your lungs.

You couldn't get enough of the night sky since you joined the Straw Hat Pirates on their adventures. You came from a heavily populated city, where light cascaded every dark corner. Growing up there, you never saw the sky at its full potential at night. On your first day aboard the Sunny, you couldn’t sit still as you watched the sun leave the horizon. The first few stars of the night were popping up one by one, then in tens, then in thousands, as the sun sank lower and lower. You have never seen such beauty. Luffy didn’t understand and was confused about why you looked up so much. He stood beside you, staring at your face, waiting for you to acknowledge him. Of course, he only stayed a few seconds before he tilted his head up, one hand on his straw hat to hold it on his head and one hand on his hip. His face was confused as he saw nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Hey (y/n), what are you looking at? It looks like you’re looking at something really cool. Can you see something I can’t? Whoa (y/n), do you have x-ray vision? That’s so cool. No wonder I can’t see it!”

 Before you could even open your mouth to cut Luffy off from his rambling, there was a loud THWACK sound and an annoyed groan from your captain.

“Heyyy, what did you do that for? I just found out our newest member has the coolest ability ever!” 

You looked down to see Luffy slightly crouched, his face framed by a huge frown and a big bump on the side of his head. Behind Luffy was Nami, her arms crossed over her chest. Her face was angled up, and her nose was high in the air.

“Ugh, you are such an idiot. Of course, (y/n) doesn’t have x-ray vision, Luffy. She was looking at the stars.”

“Huh? The stars? What about them?”

Luffy’s bewildered expression had only made you laugh harder. Your gaze then drifted to the others, who were watching the exchange with varying degrees of amusement. You could only hope they didn’t hear about Luffy’s accusation, but Usopp and Chopper clambered over to you before the prayer could reach heaven.

“Wow, x-ray vision! That must be so cool! I could see broken bones if I could do that!” Before you could interject Chopper, Usopp jumped onto the nearest chair and declared that he could take down any enemy that stood in our way with that ability.

“Guys! I don’t have X-ray vision! I don’t even know how Luffy correlated that to looking at the stars…” You ran your fingers through your hair and let out another laugh.

Chopper and Usopp looked crestfallen for a split second but immediately jumped back up to talk about everything they would do with X-ray vision. You looked back towards Nami, who looked like she was about to give Luffy another angry red bump to his face as she explained what stars were. Looking past them, you find Sanji mooning over Robin, who just said thank you to him as Sanji made her a cup of tea. His legs swooning left and right, his arms straight up in the air as he loudly proclaimed he would get her tea from across the world if he had to just for her. You glanced away to be met with Zoro’s gaze, who was looking at you in a silent challenge. 

You got along swimmingly with almost everyone but Zoro. Nami and Robin were already your closest friends there. Usopp is incredibly funny, even when he doesn’t think he is, and you feel very comfortable with the long-nosed man. Sanji almost pissed his pants when he found out another woman was joining. You like to say you are very good at reading emotions. You can usually tell what someone is feeling, from the slightest twitch of a lip to eyebrows furrowing to even just blinking. Looking into Zoro’s eyes, you feel a stone wall. His face is stoic, devoid of emotion. The only emotion he portrayed tonight was anger, as Sanji called him a moss-headed buffoon. You look over at Zoro once more. You didn’t feel intimidated by the frown he gave you; curiosity swelled inside you as you took him in. His large arms were crossed over his white shirt, his green hair a little messy from his small fight with Sanji, and his three swords glimmered in the moonlight against his side. You found yourself looking at him a little too much, so you turned back to Nami, pretending not to notice, but your thoughts remained with him. 

The swordsman's eyes did not sway away from you, and you noticed as you tried to give quick glances at him to see if he was still looking. Nami excused herself to bed after a minute of you just nodding and giving her a one-word response. This just left you and the swordsman. Was he going to come over to talk to you, you wondered? You brought yourself over to the railing and leaned on to it. Your hands rested against your cheeks as your elbows found small indents in the wooden railing to rest in. Your right leg twirled in front of your left leg as you once again looked out over the dark sky. You couldn’t hear the thumps of footsteps approaching you over the wind, so you jumped back with one hand over your heart and the other over your mouth as the green-haired man appeared next to you. While he was not expecting this reaction, he didn’t expect you to lose your footing after you jumped back from him. Your leg got caught trying but failing to unwind itself from your other leg before you felt yourself fall backward. Before your left arm could make contact with the railing to try and catch yourself before you ate shit in front of the one person you wanted to impress, strong warm hands grabbed both of your wrists. Your falling body froze in mid-air before it made contact with the ground. You look up to see a smirking Zoro with his hands wrapped around your wrists tightly. The moonlight was doing wonders that night. The soft white light cast the perfect shadows over his arm muscles, making them look like they were bulging out more than before. The wind pushed his shirt flat against his chest, making all his muscles and veins pop under the soft glow. A shaky breath left your mouth, and you had to blink several times to realize this was real life. You actually almost tripped and fell in front of Zoro- one of the most well-known swordsmen. And now he’s holding your wrists, looking at you with amusement. A few teeth were even peeking out from his now-growing smile. 

Red-hot embarrassment immediately made its way up to your face. You could feel your cheeks reddening and hoped the wind would cool it down before it was visible or dark enough to conceal. Before you could move up on your own, Zoro pulled your wrists down next to him so you stood up straight in front of him. You were now a few inches apart. You could feel your cheeks growing redder by the second as your wide eyes made contact with his.

“Better be careful there (y/n),” he said, his deep voice sending a shiver down your spine. “Wouldn’t want you falling in and gettin’ wet.”

 He released you, smirking, before leaving you flustered and frozen in place.

Ever since that first day, you would catch Zoro looking at you with an unreadable expression. There were small instances where you would pass each other in the corridor where his fingers would brush against yours in the slightest touch, or his hand would lightly touch the small of your back if he were squeezing by you in the kitchen. It would be nothing to note if it didn’t feel like a single touch from him ignited a fire inside you.

An icy breeze brings you back to the present, the few months since joining the crew feeling both short and significant, and you couldn’t be more grateful to have met them. The delicious foods and drinks Sanji prepares each day, the sisterhood you have gained from Nami and Robin, and the unwavering loyalty of Franky, Usopp, and Chopper have filled you with a sense of contentment you have never felt before. But with Zoro, it feels like more. Maybe it’s one-sided, or you’re reading between the lines, but you and Zoro have had an unspoken friendship over the past few months. The thought of Zoro makes you recall your training session today. 

It was a slow and boring day aboard the Sunny. Some crew members were messing around or in the kitchen, hiding away from the blazing heat, waiting for Sanji to finish making lunch. You approached Zoro while he lifted the most enormous weight you have ever seen over his head with one arm. His shirt was off, which allowed you to take in his sizeable tan chest, crisscrossed with scars. Sweat was gliding down his back, arms, and chest, giving him a glossy appearance. You cleared your throat to present yourself. You were dressed pretty slimly, too. A sports bra and tight-fitting shorts in your favorite color. Zoro’s eyes met yours and gave you a once-over. His eyes left a fire trail down your body before resting back on your face. He did it slowly and with no shame, leaving you slightly embarrassed. 

“Hey, I just wanted to come to ask if you wanted to train? It’s a pretty slow day for me, but if you’re busy, it’s totally alright.” God, what was wrong with you? It was like you couldn’t even talk to the man anymore! You tried to suck up the awkwardness you felt by straightening yourself and meeting his eyes once more.

“Yeah, sure. Just give me a second.” He mumbled. 

“Yeah, no problem!” You shifted your weight, trying to ease the awkwardness. “I was actually wondering if you could train me on a little hand-to-hand combat?” 

He had put his weight to the side and tossed a dry towel over his body to clean off sweat. He walked up to you, and without tilting his head down to meet your gaze, he stared at you from down his nose and gave you a smirk.

“Hand-to-hand sounds fun,” he said, wiping sweat from his brow. “I’ve been needing to get into it more since I’m usually training with swords.” He lifted an arm to scratch his neck before finally looking at you entirely.

“Ya ready?” he asked. You nodded your head, a bead of sweat rolling down your temple. You both took your places a few feet apart and assumed the stance. He threw his hand first, which you easily blocked, and threw a right hook at his shoulder. He was quick to dodge, and your speeds evenly matched.

Zoro lunged first. You blocked and countered with a swift right hook. He dodged it with a quick arm block and threw a fist, aiming for your left shoulder. You sidestepped, hooked an arm around his neck, and twisted. He countered, pushing you down with surprising strength. You hit the deck, breath knocked out of you. 

Zoro pinned you, his grip firm on your wrists. For a moment, you locked eyes, his breath warm on your face. Taken by surprise, your brain turned to mush. Any and all of your training and fighting knowledge left your brain instantly. His legs were on either side of your body, and he used his weight to keep you down. You quickly regained thought and tried to hit a blow at his head and another at his chest to throw him off, but Zoro’s hold on your wrist was so tight it would surely leave bruises. 

Both of you were panting, chests rising and falling in unison to catch a breath. You met Zoro’s eyes defiantly, waiting for him to move off, but instead his head lowered closer to yours, his mouth coming right next to your ear. The only sounds you could hear were the clanking of his golden earrings and the small pants coming from his mouth. 

“I thought you were a pro?” He breathed. “ Show me what you got.” 

He lifted himself, but not without stopping briefly at your face and giving you a teasing look. Zoro let you go and assumed his position again. You were left a little flustered and confused on the ground. His words should have motivated you to really show him your skills, but you were unsure if you felt turned on instead. You glanced at Zoro again, heart pounding. Why did he always have this effect on you? Every brush of his fingers sent sparks up your spine. You had to get a grip. 

Steeling your nerves, you quickly hopped up. Zoro’s eyes lazily watched as a drop of sweat made its way down your chest. You charged at him with impressive speed and went in for a jab, aiming at his jaw. He pushed your jab out of the way and tried to grab you by the shoulder, but you were too quick and dodged it. You used a move you have been hiding up your sleeve by using your leg to offset Zoro and pushing him down. You were now the one on top, straddling his thick waist. His head hit the deck hard as the attack took him by surprise, and his hands instinctively took place on your waist. Zoro’s head was still resting against the floor, his chest heaving. You shamelessly let your eyes trail from his pointed jawline to his neck and then to his chest, where your hands now reside. 

“I win.” You smiled. “I took down the great swordsman Roronoa Zoro.” You said before trying to get up off of Zoro before it was too awkward, but firm hands held you down despite your efforts to get up.

“Huh- Zoro?” You looked at him questionably. His head slowly raised from the floor, and his piercing gaze met yours. His jaw was clenched, his nose flared, and his eyebrows furrowed. His eye was unreadable but still sent a jolt straight down to your core. His hands still had a vice grip on your waist, causing you to straighten up your back. Zoro let out a small groan as you shifted your body on top of him. His ear tips were flushed red, and his mouth was slightly open, still panting. 

“Zoro, are you okay? Is it too hot outside?” You looked up at the sky where the sun still let its unruly heat bear down. “Let me go get some water.” Before you could move, he damn near whimpered out a “No…” He cleared his throat and looked at you in a way you have never seen before. “I’m fine,” He sighed. “Just like this..” 

A light smirk rested on his lips while your wide eyes met his half-lidded ones. You looked down at the compromising position you have landed yourself in. Your legs were bent on either side of his waist, and you could pretty much feel him against your core. A shaky inhale made its way into your lungs. The feeling of him slightly hard against your cunt brought on an ocean of desire. 

“I- I’m sorry! I, um, didn’t realize! I’ll…. I’ll just…” You spouted with embarrassment as blush made its way across your whole body. You pressed your hands against his chest, using him as a way to get up. Thankfully, he let you get up by releasing his hold on your waist, which felt tingly and sensitive after his hold. Your hands trembled slightly as you stood up, trying to shake off the mixture of embarrassment and immense arousal you felt. Zoro followed suit, pushing himself up from the deck with ease. He rolled his shoulders, stretching his neck from side to side as if the entire encounter hadn’t even happened. 

"Good move," he said, his voice low and steady as he walked to you. He met your wide eyes with lust and amusement. “Thanks…” you whispered. 

You cleared your throat, trying to regain your composure. 

“I’m uh… gonna go shower..?” You said stiffly and awkwardly as you shuffled your feet and looked anywhere but Zoro’s eyes. His dark eye was staring at you with an intensity any woman would quiver under. Gathering your belongings, you quickly left to your room before he could say anything else. 

That night at dinner, you were physically there at the table, but your mind was in the clouds, thinking about Zoro and the interaction that had enfolded. Your eyes were trained on your nails as you anxiously picked at the cuticle. 

I hope things aren’t awkward between us but God… he looked amazing. Felt amazing, even. 

You couldn’t help but remember the feeling of straddling him. Your hands pressed up against his chest, feeling his heart beating rapidly. How your legs were stretched wide to encapture the sheer size of his waist… his glistening tan skin, and the warmth you felt of him against your core…

“(Y/N)!!!!” You felt a hand on your shoulder, causing you to jump, a hand flying up to your mouth to hide the squeak that left your mouth. You turn to see Nami with a scowl on her face glaring at you with concern in her brown eyes. 

“Is something wrong? I’ve been calling your name over and over, and you’ve been staring off into space with a weird look in your eyes!” She exasperated. “And you’re flushed!” She exclaimed with a huff as she put a hand on your forehead to test your temperature. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Nami! I was just zoned out… thinking.” You muttered with embarrassment as you looked around the kitchen to see most of the crew was already sitting and looking at you with a concerned look. Well, except Luffy, who looked like he was shaking with impatience with his tongue rolling out of his mouth like a dog as he stared at the food on your plate. Your eyes met Robin’s piercing blue eyes, which looked like she just read you like a book and now knew your deepest darkest secret. She gave you a small smile and a nod towards the doorway. 

Your eyebrows furrowed in a question as you gave a slight glance at the entryway to see the beginning tufts of moss-colored hair. Your head snapped forward to the plate of food in front of you. Nothing could tear your gaze away from the plate of steaming food.

Not even the slow, heavy footsteps of boots coming closer to your chair. 

Not the beginning feelings of warmth radiating from a warm body on your back. 

And not even the breath of a warm exhale of breath that you felt on the top of your head. 

A calloused hand reached for the chair next to you, where Zoro took his slow time sitting down. His leg purposefully bumped into yours as a way for you to meet his piercing gaze, but you studied the small cracks and scratches on the plate.

“YAY! Now everyone is here!” yelled Luffy from the head of the table, his arms stretched excitedly towards Sanji. 

“SANJI- FOOD!” He slammed his utensils on the table in impatience. While Sanji yelled at him about table etiquette, the warmth of Zoro’s muscles pierced your clothes and into your skin.

Why did he sit next to me?? You screamed in your head. Anxiety started to worm its way into your stomach, causing your leg to bounce in stress. Unbeknownst to you, your leg bouncing was noticed by Zoro, who gave you a cautious look.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when a heavy, warm hand was presented on your thigh. You looked down to see a scarred, veiny hand on your upper leg, his thumb rubbing slowly circles. Your bouncing stopped immediately, followed by a soft gasp of your lips and the tightening of your chest. You almost felt relaxed by the notion, but you were so incredibly turned on by how enticing his hand looked on your bare leg, arousal overriding any other emotion.

“(Y/N), you going to eat, lovely?” Said a worried Sanji.

Zoro tsked. “Yeah, you better eat it all up,” he said aloud with a very obvious smirk, “before it gets too cold.” 

You gulped the pool of saliva collecting in your mouth at the hidden meaning behind Zoro’s words. You glanced at him to see him looking down at you with a hard look in his eye. His hand tightened around your leg, almost as a reminder that you need to answer before everyone gets suspicious. 

“Yeah! I am, don’t worry.” You said while taking a big forkful of the food and stuffing it in your mouth. Sanji gave a nod of approval before he dug in himself. 

Zoro’s hold on your leg lightened but still remained firm. His thumb still making those circles, moving up and around. 

Every mouthful you took felt like an hour passed before you could swallow. The feeling of Zoro next to you with his hand so close to your cunt had you closing your thighs, his fingers brushing the insides of your other thigh now. Zoro grunted as if the movement stunned him, but he recovered quickly with a drink of his sake. His hand started to slide up a little more, squeezing and feeling your thigh shamelessly under the table. All the while, you were a flustered, sweating mess. You stuffed the last few bites of food in your mouth, thanked Sanji for the delicious food again, and stood up. Zoro’s hand fell down inconspicuously next to him, almost like nothing happened in the first place. You quickly left the kitchen to your bedroom, the walk uncomfortable due to how soaked your panties were from your wetness. 

The night passed without a hitch, and now here you were, sitting under the comforting stars thinking about Zoro.

Zoro. Zoro. Zoro.

 It will always be him. 

You could never think of anyone else.

It was probably around 4 am right now. The breeze carried the smell of salt and fish. The memories in your head kept you warm, but now you were shivering, your fingers having a slight blue tint to them. Your bones creaked and popped with protest as you stood up, already feeling sore from the training you had today. 

You bid the stars a good night, and thank you for being the one constant in your chaotic life. You made your way to the kitchen, hoping a warm cup of tea would give you the warmth you need to return the natural red to your flesh and calm your thoughts enough to get you a few hours of sleep. Pushing open the kitchen door, you head straight towards Robin’s tea cabinet, where you keep your own stache of your favorite kind. 

“What in the hell are you doing up?” A deep voice behind you made you gasp and almost drop the teacup, spilling some hot water on yourself. 

“Holy shit, Zoro! You scared the hell out of me!” You gasped for breath. You held your tongue in pain as your nerves set off, warning that the water you dropped was currently giving you a fiery burn. “Shit!” you exclaimed. Heavy footfalls approached from behind you as you held your hand with a cold rag. His hand grabbed your slightly burnt hand.

“Didn’t mean to give you a fright.” He mumbled softly. Hearing Zoro speak softly calmed down any annoyance you had about your hand hurting in any way. In fact, the feeling of his rough hand against your soft flesh brought on a comfort you thought only stars could bring. Zoro wet the cloth and held it against your hand.

“You good?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. 

You stared at him, mouth agape like a fish out of water, as your mind was still processing what in the hell happened. 

“Yeah…I’m good.” You cleared your throat. “Just got burned a little, no biggie.” You smiled to show that you were alright. He gave your hand a squeeze before dropping it slowly with care. You looked at him and asked, “What are you doing in here so late?”

He shuffled his feet and looked at the ground.

“Kept waking up.” He replied almost sheepishly. Zoro gave you a once-over with his dark eye. Your night dress didn’t leave much to the imagination. Your nipples were evidently hard, lips slightly blue, and hair tousled from the cold wind outside. He visibly gulped, his pupils widening out to take you all in. 

His eye snapped to your face as you crossed your arms over your chest, unintentionally making your breasts spill out a little from the dress. 

“What are you doing here?” He asked almost sternly. 

You gave a small frown and a pout from his tone. He’s acting like he’s the only one that can be in this damn kitchen at this hour!

“I couldn’t sleep,” you said. “I sat outside for a bit, but it was freezing, so I came in for some tea to warm up.” You told him with indignation. 

“Oh yeah?” He shifted a little closer. “What kept you up?” Zoro asked cautiously. Almost like he wants to know the answer, but at the same time, doesn’t want to know. 

You flushed a little at the answer you know you can’t say. 

I can’t possibly say HE was the one keeping me up. Him and his stupid muscles and stupid eyes and hair and that stupid look on his face like he knows everything in the world! 

You pondered your answer for a little, but for Zoro, you were taking too long.

“Well?” He asked impatiently. He crossed his arms, almost flexing, and moved closer in front of you. Your cheeks were getting more flushed by the second. Quickly acting, you turned around back towards the tea cabinet to hide your glowing cheeks. But a strong hold on your wrist kept you from taking your first steps.

His footsteps grew closer and closer until you could feel the warmth of his chest against your back.

Your breath hitched.

“You gonna answer my question, (Y/N)?” His voice sounded right above your ear. Goosebumps rose along your neck, all the way down your arms, as his warm breath made contact with your skin. If you leaned back at all, your back would make contact with him. 

“Uhm..” Your voice cracked as you tried to rack your brain for any response at all.

“Hmm?” His hand was slowly making its way up your arm, fingers lightly brushing against your waist.

“I was… just thinking a lot.” You breathed out. His hand was now nearing your shoulder.

“Wanna tell me about what?” He replied in a deep voice. His hand was now fluttering along the back of your neck, making you tilt your head back a little bit. You gulped and prayed that he couldn’t feel the erratic heartbeat that was about to burst from the artery in your throat. With no reply from you, his fingers nestled into the groove of your neck and jaw. His thumb at the end of your jaw bone, and his fingers now below your chin tilted your head up even further. With nowhere else to look, you made eye contact with him.

His eye was a storm of emotions, his internal wall crumbling down at the sight of you melting in his hands. 

“I… I was thinking about today.” You whispered, afraid that if you talked, your voice would only crack some more. Zoro hummed in reply, urging you to continue. His other hand had now found its home on your waist, rubbing and squeezing your flesh. You gulped as you opened your mouth to continue. 

“About what happened” 

Zoro’s mouth twitched at the corner of his mouth. His gruff voice answered, “And what happened?” He wanted you to say it. Even if it took all night, he wanted you to tell him what he did to you.

With a few moments of silence, the hand on your waist moved to your stomach, his large fingers splayed out. You gasped in surprise at the feeling since you were still looking up into Zoro’s eyes. You were so pathetic in his hands. Your eyes were basically looking at him like a deer in headlights.

“We practiced… and I landed on you,” You pushed out in a somewhat shaky voice. His hand on your stomach started to move lower. 

“Yeah, you did,” he said teasingly but in his gruff voice. “Did you like practicing?” He asked.

His hold on your jaw and chin tightened slightly, and the hand on your stomach paused. Your face was flushed red, and your mouth was open, letting out small pants. 

“Yes…” You whispered. The hand on the stomach was moving up, now over your ribs.

“Keep talking,” Zoro ordered. His hand was now underneath your breast. You couldn’t help but clench your thighs together, feeling the wetness coat your thighs as you didn’t have panties on. 

“I liked it… feeling you,” You murmured. 

Zoro exhaled out a groan. His hand rewarded your answer by softly grabbing the bottom of your breast. 

“(Y/N)... You don’t know what you do to me.” He spoke into your ear, his head resting against yours. You leaned back, wanting to feel all of him. 

A gasp escaped your lips as your back made contact with his muscular chest. Your ass could feel the tip of his hard cock pushing up against his pants. 

“What do I do to you?” you asked softly. His nose was pressed into the side of your head, inhaling the scent of the perfume you used during the day and the shampoo you applied during the shower. 

Zoro groaned again. He let your chin go, now aiming for your stomach to push your bottom back lightly. His other hand was now fully grabbing your breast, but still cautiously, as if he was waiting for the moment when you would snap and tell him to back away. Your bottom made full contact with his erect cock. A shaky inhale moved through your lips as you felt his impressive length press up against you. 

“(Y/N)... I can show you what you do to me,” He said shakily. “If I show you, I won’t be able to stop.” 

Time stood still as his words made a direct impact on your sopping cunt. 

“Zoro…” You moaned out. “I… I need you.” You declared. 

His hands stopped squeezing and feeling your flesh, not yet touching you in the places you need him the most. He turned you around to face him. 

Zoro looked beautiful. His eye was half-lidded, mouth glistening with saliva from when he would wet his lips, and his ears were tipped with red- his own blush. 

His hands met your waist, pulling you close so you just feel his erection, but not so close to where you can’t see his whole face. 

“Are you sure?” He breathed. “I won’t be able to turn back if we do this. There is no way in hell I can move on after I fuck you.”

Your pussy clenched around nothing at the declaration of words finalized in the air. You met his steady gaze. Adoration, lust, and fear clouded his gaze.

"Zoro.." You swallowed. "Yes, I need you," your hands gripped his shirt. "I can't stop thinking about you. Your face, your hair, your voice, and how god damn hot you look without a shirt." You took steady breaths in and out at your confession, worried you took it a step further than you intended to.

Zoro's breath got stuck in his throat. His hands gripped yours, which were taking handfuls of his shirt. The silence from Zoro made you panic.

"It's not just today. It's every day." You clenched your eyes shut, scared to see disgust in his eyes. "I really like you, Zoro. I have for awhile and it's okay if you don't feel the same, really, I wouldn't- mmh!"

Zoro's lips crashed into yours at impeccable speed, almost knocking your head back, but his hand caught the back of your head. His other hand held the small of your back, pushing you closer to him. Your hands instinctively took place on his shoulder and his head, gripping his hair. After a few seconds, Zoro pulled away slightly, lips plump from the rough kissing.

"Do you ever stop talking, woman?" He murmured softly with a soft smile. His hand went to your ass, making you gasp.

"I've had my eyes on you since day one." He whispered against your lips. "I can't stop thinking about you, either. Your laugh, your smile, your stupid jokes." He gave your lips a small peck before he kissed the corner of your mouth, making his way down your jaw and to your throat. You gripped his hair, pushing him closer to your skin, savoring the feeling of his open mouth kisses against your most sensitive places along your throat.

"Zoro..." You moaned softly. His grip on your head and ass tightening as you moaned his name.

In between kisses, he kept telling you all the things he couldn't get off his mind. Your hair, your body, your hands, your beautiful face.

"I can't wait another day. I need you." He moaned as his lips were nearing your collar bone.

"Take me, then. Please..." You had no strand of self-respect in you to not plead. His lips felt like fire against you. A fire you couldn't put out. A fire you craved oh so dearly.

Zoro moaned in response. He pushed you back against the counter, his right hand found home on your breast, and his left on the back on your thigh. You threw your head back as his kisses made his way down to your breast that was being held by his veiny hand. Your hand gripped and pulled at his green strands, making him groan in response. His knee slotted between your thighs, making you mewl out at the first contact your wet cunt has been given.

Zoro pushed down the straps to your dress, making your tits pop out. His head rose from your chest, backing away to take in your whole chest.

"Shit, (Y/N)." His hand made contact with your bare flesh. Fingers nimbly taking your hard nipple in his fingers and rolling it around. You gripped his arm, feeling his muscles against your flesh. One of your hands made his way to his chest, wanting- no- needing to touch him. While Zoro's hand was preoccupied with one nipple, he took the other in his mouth, lips wrapped around your most sensitive area.

"Mmm, Zoro." You ran your nails up his chest and down his back. "I need... I need you." You couldn't help but whimper out. You pathetically started to grind on his knee, needing some sort of relief. He removed his hand from your breast and held your hips still. You were helplessly moaning out his name, pleading for him to pleasure you more. His lips left your nipple with a pop as he looked at you with an almost drunk expression.

"You that desperate, huh? That needy?" He moved his leg away from your cunt, causing you to wine out. Even if his hand stopped you from moving, you still felt relieved. He pushed his clothed cock against your dress, slowly grinding. You hissed out in pleasure, hands making way to his back, lifting his shirt off. He swiftly took it off, then looked into your eyes for permission to remove your dress. You nodded, needing him more than the Earth needs the Sun. Cold air rushed around your body as Zoro discarded the piece of clothing. He slammed his lips into yours in a heated make-out session. His tongue licked your lips, wanting permission to enter. Your hands made way to his pants, finding his hard cock pressing through his pants.

He groaned out against your lips, rutting against your hand. His calloused hands made work with your nipples, then down to your cunt where he explored your clit.

You gasped out in pleasure and moaned out, "Please, Zoro! Just need you!" Your nails clawed at his pants, tearing them open. Thick fingers made their way to your opening, feeling and slightly pushing in. Zoro was teasing you; he loved the way you cried out his name and begged him to touch you. One hand made its way to your chin, where he held your throat, more tightly this time. His head lowered next to your ears as your soft hands finally unzipped his pants, and gripped him through his boxers. He groaned in your ear, wanting you to hear what you were doing to him.

"Ya see? You see what you doin' to me?" He was basically panting in your ear. Months of pent-up sexual frustrations held back by his own fears of being rejected by you. You whimpered a response, trying to focus on getting him out of his boxers while his fingers stuffed you full.

"Shit, you're so wet. Is this what I do to you, hmm?" He held your throat a little tighter, needing an answer quickly before he burst.

"Y-Yes! Yes, Zoro!" His fingers curled upwards, finding the soft spot that would pleasure you the most.

"So many nights," he moaned as your hands grabbed him in full, rubbing his length up and down. "Shit, so many fucking nights- where I jerked off to you - mmm" His mouth was on your shoulder, leaving kisses and small bites. "I've been needing you. You're all I fucking need, do you hear me?" He bit down on your shoulder, making you cry out, "Yes! Yes! Me- me, too." You moaned out a little louder than you expected, not wanting to wake anyone. "Fuck- Zoro, please..." You whined in his ear.

He pulled away from you abruptly. His chest was flushed pink, his lips slightly bruised from the rough kisses, and his pupil blown out after seeing you fully naked.

"I could cum right now just looking at you," he heaved. "You're so fucking pretty- come here."

You straightened your shaky legs. Wetness dripping out of your pussy, coating your thighs and some of the floor. Zoro grabbed a blanket that was left on one of the chairs. You couldn't remember who it belonged to, your brain too wired out to think about anything other than the man you have been pining for for the last few months. He laid the blanket down on the floor.

"I know it's not romantic," He said, "But we're already naked, and I can't wait even an hour longer for you." He breathed out. You lay down on the blanket on the kitchen floor. Your breath labored, and your mind was overwhelmed by Zoro. His smell, a little sweat, alcohol, and cheap cologne surrounded you. You have indeed entered heaven.

Zoro held himself over you. The tip of his cock was dripping pre-cum and turning red from lack of attention. His earrings clanked as he leaned down to kiss you softly. You melted, feeling the tenderness and care behind the kiss. He rested on one elbow and knees as one hand rubbed you all over, taking you in inch-by-inch.

"I wanted to see your face." Zoro groaned out as his cock rubbed between your folds, gathering your wetness along his length. You hummed out a question, asking what he meant. Your legs wrapped around his waist, your hips gyrating on his cock, too impatient to wait for him. Zoro moaned, "The first time," he looked down at your body and his cock about to enter you. "Shit- I want to see your face when we do this for the first time. I needa see your face as I pleasure you. Needa hear you."

"Zoro, please. I'm ready- fuck, I need you. Need you so bad," you whined. Your hands tried pulling him closer, trying to do anything for him to fill you up. Zoro moved closer, inching his cock into your pussy, bit-by-bit.

You both gasped and groaned in unison at the new-found feeling. Zoro was thick and long, using up every space you could give. Your hand found his back, digging your nails in while the other gripped his hair, pulling it down for a kiss. He kissed you passionately as he bottomed out inside of you.

"(Y/N)... you're going to make me cum you're so tight." He groaned out. You whined in response, needing him to fuck you into the ground.

Zoro started moving his hips, slowly at first, but then started to pick up the speed.

"Oh- oh my God!" The pleasure you were being granted was nothing compared to what your fingers could do. Zoro was a mess, groaning and biting at your shoulder and neck and kissing your lips. Slapping wet sounds reverberated throughout the kitchen, along with your moans and Zoro's grunts.

Zoro shifted his hips, using one hand to paw at your breast, the other holding your head close to him. You saw stars at the new spot Zoro was hitting you at repeatedly. You squealed and cried until you felt Zoro's hand slap against your mouth.

"(Y/N)- mm- you're gonna wake up the whole damn crew." He told you.

You couldn't help it. The feeling of his rough hands gliding down your stomach, across your tits, and down to your clit brought on euphoria. You were yelling Zoro's name over and over behind his hand, but it came out muffled.

Zoro was trying so hard not to cum in the first few minutes of fucking you, wanting to make sure you cum first. Sweat rolled down his temple, absolutely losing it at the sound of you whining underneath him with his cock buried in you. Just the sound of you calling his name made him keep pumping his cock in and out of you.

"Sh-Shit!" Zoro groaned. He rubbed your clit faster and beat your pussy at a speed that took away all the air in your lungs. He needed you to cum with him. Otherwise, he won't feel like he deserves to be on top of you. He removed his hand from your mouth, wanting to hear you call to him a few more times.

"Zoro, Zoro! I-I-I'm gonna cum," you groaned, trying so hard not to yell.

"Cum with me. Do it." He demanded. Just like that, your legs convulsed, and your toes curled in, feeling like a star had exploded inside of you. Zoro pulled out quickly and shot cum all over your stomach and chest. He groaned out your name, his eyes trained on you and your body as he gave his cock a few more pumps.

You both were out of breath as Zoro collapsed next to you briefly before jumping up and grabbing some napkins. He carefully wiped away his cum from your stomach, making sure to get it all cleaned up. Your mind was blank. You were completely fucked out and unaware of your surroundings until you felt yourself being lifted. Zoro had wrapped the blanket around you, his clothes back on, and was lifting you on to the table.

"You okay?" He asked with a nod and a concerned looked at your flushed and sweaty face.

"Oh yea... more than okay." You huffed out, exhaustion finally claiming you. He gave you a small smile and tucked some hair behind your ear. He grabbed your dress from the floor, and helped you put it on, then rewrapped you in the blanket. You tried standing, but almost fell to the floor immediately from shaky legs.

"I got ya'," whispered Zoro into your hair. He lifted you up in your arms, and he brought you outside. It was still dark, but on the horizon, you could see the sun ever so slightly begin to rise. He sat you down on one of the outside couches where he sat next to you. You leaned your head on his shoulder, your hand finding his. Zoro brought your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles, making you blush.

"Thank you," you said softly to the swordsman.

Zoro said nothing, and you glanced up to see his eye closed, your hands clasped together on his chest. You smiled at him and rested your head back on his shoulder.

The stars were still out, twinkling happily at you. Happiness and peace moved through your body. The stars were the one constant you always looked up to in your life, but now, hopefully, you have one more thing to look up to. A stubborn swordsman that would lay down his life for you. A grumbly green-haired man you would have never thought would be holding your hand in a million years. Maybe, just maybe, he can be your constant- your new star.