#I honestly still don't fully understand how I feel about gender but. I know that I don't like being put into a box

[ineed-to-sleep]

Funny how all it takes is a couple of conversations with a cis straight man about gender to make me go "yup I'm definitely not cis"

[cannibalbuffe]

hi! I've honestly been craving some qpr headcanons with Alastor as someone who's also aroace! The concept piques my curiosity so much considering most of the stuff with him is purely romantic (no offense to those writers, I just wanna see more qpr stuff! :])

Of course! But do forgive me, annon, I got so carried away with this 😅. I just really like Alastor a lot.

I ended up writing some backstory to your relationship first, but I highlighted the start of the proper qpr headcanons if you feel like skipping that.

Obligatory I'm sorry if this is ooc, I'm still getting used to writing about these characters. This is also all based on my own perception of him.

(Also, I am aware that qprs are very different from one another and there is no single mold for a qpr, I'm just going off of what I think it would be like with Alastor.)

Uhh, I also finished this at 1 AM, so forgive any mistakes. And I'm pretty sure I changed the verb conjugations(? Is this how you say that in English?) from present to past at some point. Sorry. Enough with the A/Ns now. Hope you enjoy!

Alastor queerplatonic relationship headcanons

(gender neutral reader, Alastor x reader)

‼️Trigger-warning‼️: mentions of cannibalism (not graphic), a single mention of tongue-kissing and making out (spoiler: he doesn't want either of those things in this work.) Usage of the word queer, but not as a slur. Alastor is a grandpa and you have to explain LGBTQ+ stuff to him, but he gets it.

› At first, before you were close, it's likely that he didn't see you as an equal.

› Truly, in his eyes, it seems not really is his equal. He is the most powerful overlord in hell and he knows it.

› Unless you are someone he holds in high regard (and this is mostly based on vibes, barely anything to do with power, as we can see by how he is with Lucifer of all people) before your first meeting, like Zestial, you won't be on equal footing at first.

› You only really start getting close when his perception of you shifts.

› You respect his boundaries, you are interesting, you and him share quite a few interests (or not really, but you're at least interested in hearing about his), and you're, surprisingly, pretty wise and mature.

› And caring. I personally believe he would be drawn to that in a way that he may not even understand fully- or realize it at all.

› Still, the point is. He respects you, and you respect him.

› (And not in the way some others do, where they're only "respectful" out of fear. You would act like this regardless of his power.)

› This, by the way, is important. You don't treat him like a superior, but as an equal.

› You'd think someone like him would love to be treated like a superior, and it's true. He very much does.

› But he has to admit to himself that it does feel nice whenever someone isn't shaking in their boots and can hold really good conversations with him while still not being pushy, annoying or just generally disrespectful.

› Anyways.

› Ever since you became friends (which took long), one could say, you just kept becoming closer and closer.

› You were the first one to be vulnerable with him, of course. It happened on accident, but you trusted him enough for that.

› You were also the first one to share any more intimate information with him. Something you wouldn't tell just anyone.

› Between this, your conversations, and maybe even helping each other around (honestly, he probably helps you more than you do him, but you always offer it and always in a sweet way, never condescending, and he appreciates that.)

› He eventually felt more comfortable sharing personal things with you too.

› (He may have distanced himself a bit when he realized this, but it was short-lived. You can't be without each other for so long, and you were pretty upset at his suddenly withdrawal. You may not have mentioned it to him, but he could tell, and as much as he hated to admit it, it hurt him to see you sad because of him.)

› This marks the beginning of the path toward your queerplatonic relationship.

› I mean, you didn't initially label it as such, but it definitely started there.

› Surprisingly, I feel like the first one to ever do any sort of affectionate gesture towards the other was him.

› You knew he didn't like to be touched, so you didn't.

› But! He just started getting more and more comfortable with touching you. At first it was hands on your shoulders, or putting his arm over them.

��� I can even see a head pat or two, which he probably passed off as some sort of joke the first few times, but, if you liked them so much, just became a thing he does to you.

› And then one day you, completely absent-mindedly, intertwined your arm with his while walking around.

› When you noticed you had done it and he hadn't said anything, you questioned him about it.

› "Alastor, I'm sorry I didn't ask... is this alright?"

› "This?... Oh, you mean the arms? Ah, dear, don't worry, if it weren't I would have simply told you so!"

› From them on you only got more and more physically affectionate with each other. At first you would usually be the one to start it, but eventually you were both shockingly equal in doing so.

› (You still would always ask if you could touch him beforehand, but after a while he just gave you a free-pass.)

› Not a lot in public, though. Mostly just hand holding, or intertwining arms (if in public, that is.)

› Alastor also was so protective of you. You were the person he treasured most, after all.

› Well, demon.

› Even if you told him you were going to be okay, he would watch out nonetheless. He couldn't afford to lose you, not when he's never trusted and cared for a person this much.

› You two also cuddle a lot. You were the first one to ask, as usual, but now both of you feel weird sleeping alone.

› Alastor loves being the big spoon, if you're doing that.

› But he is also quite fond of occasionally being the little spoon, although he wouldn't be caught dead admitting it.

› A hobby you two do together is cooking. Cooking with Alastor is fun... especially if you're okay with cannibalism.

› But if you don't like that, he won't insist, of course.

› He's pretty good at cooking, though! If you're also good at it, then great. If not, he'll tease you about it (in a friendly way), but still teach you.

› On teasing, he teases you quite a bit, but never in a mean way. If you don't mind, of course.

› You also may tease him occasionally, but he doesn't appreciate you teasing him in public.

› The two of you also have a good amount of inside jokes that probably confuse the hell out of the others.

› Kissing... well. I don't really see Alastor as the type who would enjoy kissing on the lips too much.

› Tongue is out of question for him, as well as any sort of making out, but otherwise... if you like it, he can do that for you.

› He might actually like a peck or two. An acquired taste for him. Don't overdo it, though.

› Of course, him being from the 1930s and not very familiar with anything LGBTQ+ related, he would, at first, be somewhat confused by the request.

› You would probably have to explain to him that nothing is inherently romantic, especially not if you don't want it to be.

› "A kiss on the lips? Well... we aren't courting, Y/n."

› "We can put our own meanings to things, though. Would you like this kiss to be romantic?"

› "Definitely not!"

› "Well, me neither. So it's not!"

› "... That is very sound logic! I can't believe I've never thought of this myself."

› Kisses on the rest of the face are something else, though. He does enjoy it whenever you kiss him on the cheek. He himself might occasionally kiss you on the forehead.

› But overall I don't think he's big on kissing.

› If you want to really solidify that you're in a queerplatonic relationship you'd also have to explain what that means to him, sorry.

› Again, he's old and not up to date with things.

› Thankfully he understands things easily.

› "I see... I suppose we do have quite the queer relationship, don't we? And it is certainly platonic. I don't see why not!"

› Going back to vulnerability. It will never feel fully natural for him to just be vulnerable with you — or anyone else, for the matter.

› (In case you couldn't tell, he's using the word queer as meaning odd (and doing a little pun. You know. Because it's a. Queerplatonic relationship. Queer. Hehehehe), as it defies the norm of what a platonic relationship usually looks like, despite being one.)

› But you know him well enough at this point to recognize whenever there's something going on with him.

› And if you show concern and give him enough time he will share whatever it is with you.

› If it's not anything too big he might even reach out to you first.

› He can also read you like a book and gives surprisingly good advice, and is also pretty good at comforting you.

› You are the only person allowed at his studio while he's live on the radio. You usually read as he speaks in the background, his voice is very relaxing. He enjoys having you around.

› He's also particularly gentlemanly to you, more than to the others. When you're with him you never have to open a single door yourself, for one. If it's raining, he'll hold the umbrella for the two of you. When walking together on the sidewalk, he's always on the side closest to the street instead of you.

› You two often go out for dinner. If you also fancy some cannibalism, he will definitely show you his favorite restaurants around. If not he will just pick the best non-cannibal places (but you know those are not his favorites, haha.)

› He just cares about you a lot, even if it took him long to admit (it may have seemed fast-paced during this, but Alastor is someone who really takes long to get close to.)

› And you care about him lot too!

› (And you're probably never going to be in a life-threatening situation again, at least not at the hands of most demons. Who would ever want trouble with Alastor?)

[mazzystar24]

I hope I can ask you this because I don't want to ask in the tags, I'm scared 🥹 but I've seen a lot of discourse about why tommy isn't good for buck, he's cold, the relationship is toxic etc and I was wondering why people think that? Is there anything specific that started it?

I fully believe eddie is buck's true love, endgame, whatever we want to call it and I'm sad we don't have that (yet) but I thought bucktommy was kinda fun in the meantime. I just want to understand 🫶🏻

Oh hey darling! you were so sweet and genuine in your response so please know I’m just answering what I’m asked and if you wanna enjoy and have fun with bt that is completely your prerogative but I’m just offering my perspective on it

And i am warning you this is gonna be long because I feel a constant need to go really in depth in my thoughts

Okay so idk how I’m gonna break this down but maybe I’ll do it in like main points?

Also if you’re new here whenever I use bullet points I’m just doing it cos I find it easier to chunk up my thoughts not cos I’m being curt or anything with you

1. The chimney and hen begins episodes

He wasnt just passive in the episodes and letting Gerard get away with his racist and misogynistic behaviour he ACTIVELY participated in it

This includes:

• Asking if they forgot to tip the delivery guy WHILE THEY WERE EATING CHINESE FOOD when chimney first comes up despite the fact that 1. Chimney had a big ass lafd bag 2. They were probably already told a probie would be coming 3. Probably would’ve seen the actual delivery guy 4. I would bet my absolute life that question would not have been asked if buck or bobby had walked up those stairs this wasn’t an innocent comment it WAS RACIST intentionally like the entire point of the episode was to show how bad they had it

• the New York bitchiness comment

• throwing his tools down along for hen to clean up

• going out of his way to treat them like outcasts and hating chimney before he even knew him despite chimneys efforts

• the way each of them had to “earn his respect” in some way before he acted like a normal coworker to them and this was never in the typical ‘oh it’s a new person’ type of way it always had to do with their race or in hen’s case her gender too

A defence I see a lot for this is “oh he was closeted” and honestly to me that is such bullshit because 1. Eli was perfectly capable of not participating in the racism and taking chimney under his wing without getting any shit for it and chimney is quite literally a Korean man (something he literally can’t hide) and he had just got his head above water with Gerard’s racism when hen came and he STILL was a friend to her 2. Again tommy wasn’t passive in it and just letting Gerrard be racist (which would’ve been one thing) no he actively participated in it to be part of the boys club 3. Let’s say that somehow not being a dick would’ve meant that that was a threat to the closet he was in- that is still in my opinion a fucked up sense of preservation if you spare yourself the possibility of bigotry (despite having inherent social capital by being a white man in that job) by inflicting others to bigotry

Now when Tommy was first reintroduced I was like keeping an open mind and saying okay it’s been a lot of time and maybe he has genuinely made amends because I do believe in redemption but imo they have made no attempt to show us that and had him honestly put more of the blame on Gerrard for his behaviour or the writers flat out avoiding mentioning it to retcon tommy a little and hope we forget

Another defence I see is “oh chimney and hen became friends with him so they must’ve forgave him”, hen went no contact the moment he left (something the writers went out of their way to include that line) and chimney didn’t even invite him to his wedding which was quite big after the Buckley parents got involved so it’s not like it was cos it was such a small and intimate wedding and he only called him as far as we know in those years when he needed a favor, which all means that most likely they had kinda just put it behind them and kept up a coworker relationship with him, but no actual friendship or actual forgiveness or redemption had taken place

Oh wow all that was just point one and I can probably talk more on it but I’ll just leave it with saying that Lou’s comments about it being teasing or how Tommy genuinely didn’t know hen or chimney were capable etc just makes for a worse case than saying it’s cos of being in the closet (and that is genuinely a large part of why idk much abt Lou but those comments are enough to make me hate him) and I’ll also say that poc (myself included in that) have these situations so often- situations even as specific as gay men being racist to them to fit in - and we understand the nuance and shit to it but we also understand on a deep level how it feels to be on the other side of that

And getting toxic bt fans try to come up with ways to downplay or minimise racism honestly pisses me off so much cos believe you me we have heard every excuse and downplay under the sun and I for one am sick and tired of it

2. Why he’s viewed as cold and his jokes

• literally from the small parts we saw of him and Eddie hanging out we have seen the man is in fact capable of joking and being light and having fun but around buck in particular he’s like 🧍‍♂️😐 and the occasional 🙂 like it just feels very stiff and just plain in a way

• his humour consistently falls flat and feels passive aggressive more than anything like blunt or sardonic humour DOES work like I personally love it but it’s not being written OR executed right

A. It’s always in response to genuine moments or questions such as buck talking abt the award or the daddy kink joke or henren questioning him

B. It’s the the majority of what we see from him, there is not enough balance for it

C. Lack of rapport, when friends or couples make jokes that can come off the wrong way if said to anyone else it’s cos of the rapport built already, this rapport is not established with the characters OR with the audience for these jokes to come off right

D. I gotta say this one too but the execution just isn’t right from writing to acting, it’s the same reason sardonic humour lines from Sandra oh as Cristina Yang or hugh Laurie as house still lets you like the characters and find them funny but Tommys lines come off as annoying to a lot of people

3. I think fandom discourse probably has something to do with it but not in the way you think

I’m not saying like oh ppl who ship buddie just hate him cos of the ship no I’m saying that like what takes him from an annoying disliked character to a hated character is most likely the fact that his role stirred so much drama and caused so much damage to how the fandom used to be that its turned the dial up

4. A lot of his development, lore or redeemable factors or cute things are just not canon

This may be blunt and I am sorry for that but I think his character has been blown up to such a degree that it’s genuinely shocking

Like I look at posts or get sent hate and I’m like where did any of this happen this is just not canon this is just not a show like at times I’m genuinely convinced it’s a social experiment where different ppl saw a different show like some spiderman multiverse situation

Listen I’m all for headcanons genuinely like if you wanna take extra number three and make a whole backstory and lore and cute stuff abt her I’m all for it but it’s when it’s said as if it’s fact or canon that I’m like hold up a second rewind

I think this is kinda a result of Lou’s cameos (which honestly deserves its own post but you asked why the tommy hate so imma stay on topic) and also this like need to defend the character but not having much material to work with

Like if we look at canon we can literally break down the entirety of Tommys appearances this far in the show and what we learn about him:

• chimney begins- he makes a racist comment and he tries to suck up to Gerard, there is a little hint abt his gayness with the gf comment, Eli says to chimney that’s just how they are and tries to reason it could be fear of losing friends but we see tommy having friends in the firehouse while eli says this, chimney tries to make friends with him and tommy makes no attempt to get to know him and says he’d hate him anyways, chimney saves Tommys life thus earning his respect

• hen begins- she’s met with the same racism chimney is but also met with misogyny (and homophobia but that’s not relevant to the tommy of it all), we find out chimney is still isolated from the rest despite having earnt that respect, chimney befriends hen and again tommy still doesn’t try anything like that until hen proves herself and earns his respect, ppl reported Gerard but it’s never actually stated tommy was one of those ppl so again that’s not canon that’s speculated

• bobby begins- chimney and hen both seem to be like coworker friends with tommy and Sal, Sal throws hissy fit bobby “fires” him tommy says it’s an overreaction bobby reveals it was a transfer, they all seem to make nice, tommy leaves to 217

• chimney calls tommy for help and tommy helps

• we see nothing from tommy,then cruise ship he helps the team but also in this we find out hen cut off all contact since he left

• buck takes tour of harbour, Eddie and tommy have a friendship and we find out some of Tommys interests and that he was in the army, basketball scene and the subsequent apology and kiss

• dinner date, Tommy explains how he was in the closet, Buck has his little awkward moment (which will be elaborated on in my next point) , Tommy says nothing abt it till the Uber arrives and he leaves buck

• buck reaches out and apologises and asks for a second chance inviting tommy to the madney wedding

• bachelor party and the issue of the lack of costume and not just taking the day off for neither wedding nor bachelor party (which you can reason is reasonable but also I feel like this deserves its point for the narrative choices)

• tommy shows up straight outta work they kiss buck has the soot coming out award ceremony - buck being happy abt the reward to which tommy sardonically says enjoy it while it lasts enter bigoted cunt gerard then chimney comes and insults gerard and they walk away

• we don’t see tommy again till the dinner date after Bobby nearly died and when buck tries to explain Bobbys significance to his life tommy throws the your dad is still alive which is just honestly one of his worst moments imo and I made a whole post abt it but can’t find it and then we all know the rest of that convo and I could make a bullet point for it but actually I made a whole post before so I’ll link it: here

AND THATS IT

Like all this comes down to what maybe like 30 mins screentime? If that?

5. The leaving buck on their first date

The defences people use for this are:

• buck was trying to shove him back in the closet

• buck was obviously not ready

• people angry abt this are just babying buck like he can find his own way home it’s not that big of a deal

• buck was at fault there and tommy would’ve been justified in being angry and not giving him a second chance

And honestly every last one of these are bullshit imo and lemme go point by point

• buck panicked, I don’t think that what buck was feeling in that moment can be properly described because unless you’re a queer person and you’ve experienced that like bone deep panic that like brain overload then you won’t get it

Like one it’s his first queer date

Two he doesn’t even understand his own sexuality atp

Three his closest friend just walked in in a situation that’s already putting him on edge

So he’s not only panicking he’s not understanding why he’s panicking he’s trying to make excuses eventhough part of him knows he doesn’t need one but also he doesn’t even understand this side of himself yet so he doesn’t want to have to potentially explain it

Like it’s a million things and a million emotions and no one can claim they would behave rationally or appropriately in that situation and if you say that you would you’re lying simple as that

Also then we find out that Eddie thought tommy was straight anyways

• the reason I love the buddie coming out scene is because of Eddie’s “and what do you think” line because it’s not up to tommy or anyone else whether a person is “ready” enough in their queerness to date. Full stop.

Also tommy knew it was Buck’s first date with a man and was still down so why is he using that as some sort of out

•it’s not about babying buck and it’s not about him finding his own way home it’s the fact that Tommy could’ve done it with much more grace and he could’ve been a lot nicer with it but he wasn’t, and this is again bucks first date with a man even if it doesn’t end with a second date it should at the very least not end up with him feeling like a screw up on the side of the road

• to the ppl who say that- kindly shut up cos again see the first point but also I wanna point out that somehow the ppl saying this are also the same ones saying that Tommy was justified to be RACIST for a prolonged period of time due to being in the closet yet Buck what? Panicking for a few seconds and being a little awkward? is somehow this giant inexcusable thing

5. The narrative choices with him have been reasonably clear and tbh if they had been made with a woman it would not be up for debate:

• tommy leaves buck on their first date then he comes back and gives buck a chance- we as a fandom have been unanimous in saying for years that Buck’s endgame would be the one that doesn’t leave him cos this pattern has been something we saw over and over with him

• tommy not dressing up- again you can rationalise it but it’s a narrative choice and it’s glaring when contrasted with Eddie suggesting the duo costume

And if we had this scene with Taylor so many ppl would be saying that it’s once again showing that her and Buck’s personalities don’t align

• him being on standby for the wedding and bachelor party- again you can say oh buck invited him last minute or oh he couldn’t taken the day off (which lbr he could’ve he’s not the only firefighter pilot in la) - but again narrative choice

If it was Taylor everyone would’ve been like SEE? Again they’re showing the audience that her work is this looming presence in their relationship

Anyway I’m gonna shut up now cos this is A LOT

I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond tho and sending flowers in apology💐💐💐💐💐💐

Love ya for being so genuine when asking and hope all this didn’t come off too strong and that it was idk helpful?🫶🫶

I realise my response is abt to have toxic bt fans scurry to my inbox like rats to send hate and to that I say go fuck yourselves I’m responding to a question here

[nicxxx5]

finally got around to watching nimona because i've seen so many people talking about it and wow, it really is a metaphor for transphobia and the struggles that trans people face with being accepted.

nimona constantly being asked the question of "what are you" symbolizing people's entitlement to know one's gender identity to figure out if they're cis or trans.

nimona constantly being told to be normal symbolizing trans people being told to accept their agab and conform to society's expectations

ballister's struggle with accepting nimona symbolizing those whole struggle to unlearn what they've been taught but eventually finding the ability within themselves to accept.

the director using ballister as a coverup symbolizing how discriminated groups (in his case being a commoner) are often used as scape goats to avoid confronting the real issue.

the director finding the scroll symbolizing people finding that one tiny piece of information to still try and turn people against the trans community even though its not actually true.

nimona's line of driving a sword through things they don't understand literally representing a large portion of society and their resistance and struggle to accept things they don't understand right away

young gloreth symbolizing how children are naturally more accepting of those who are different but are taught prejudice by the older generation that has yet to give acceptance.

wow, just wow. these are just a few of my thoughts. i honestly wish i was taking notes while watching but i wanted to fully enjoy the movie without interrupting myself. every scene i was seeing symbolism for trans/queer struggles. i'm including queer because i feel a lot of these issues not only apply to trans people but other marginalized groups especially in the queer community. the whole movie is a call out to prejudice that just especially queer.

i wish more people could see this movie with the understanding of what it is trying to teach and learn from its lesson how to be more accepting and that just because something was always taught to us one way, doesn't make it the right way.

[just-a-carrot]

Carrot, please don't feel bad about your age! You're not that old, honestly, I never understood why people think that anything after 20s is immediately "old". Like you still have so much life ahead of you! Most people in their 20s are still barely figuring life out, tbh I feel like 30s is the age when most people just start becoming maturing (and then again, almost everyone at every age is still figuring something out, we never stop growing after all). And even if you are "old" there's nothing wrong with that! It's not like you're supposed to stop enjoying life once you hit a certain age. I know this probably means nothing coming from a minor, but I genuinely don't understand the obsession with age! Your life isn't over until it's over, yet some people act like hitting a certain age means you have to be miserable.

Also, I don't know if I ever told you this, but this is one of the reasons I love Our Wonderland, and why it had such an impact on me. I used to be very scared of growing up, feeling like I was on a time limit and that the older I got, the less fun I would be allowed to have. But seeing these fully adult characters who are struggling, and still figuring things out, and most of all having time to themselves and their interests: it really opened my eyes! I thought by that age I should have everything figured out, like how I thought most people did, but OW made me realize that's not the case. The truth is everyone is still figuring things out, and that's okay! At the end of the day, we're still human, and we all need time to ourselves.

So thank you, Carrot! You helped me conquer a fear of mine, and I'm really grateful to you for that. Your work has honestly inspired me so much in so many different ways, and I want you to know that! Anyways, I hope you have a good day. Bye!

that's incredibly kind of you... 🥺💕

honestly a big reason why I wanted to make the OW chars older is because of that exact reason: because I didn't figure out so much about myself until I got older, and to have a story about that, that it's ok to keep discovering more about yourself later on in life, and also it can be really hard at times too. like... going through so much of your life wondering why things are so difficult and why you never feel right because you had to figure everything out for yourself. like I didn't figure out I was ace until a horrifically traumatizing and confusing event in my life that I vented about once in an anon fandom forum and another anon told me it sounded like I was ace and I didn't even know the term and then spent the next weeks in existential crisis as I came to understand myself better. If I had known I was ace before that event, it might never have happened (or might still have, who knows) or at the very least I would have grown up not feeling so broken for much of my life. And that's not getting into the gender stuff that came even later that I was bullied for as a kid. It's hard when you have zero knowledge or role models or safe places to go about these types of things growing up... The internet was not like it is now when I was growing up. And there wasn't a single person out in my school growing up (but I know of many that came out years later including one of my best friends). But that doesn't mean you can't figure yourself out later and reclaim some of that joy for yourself of knowing better who you are

this became really rambly but I just wanted to say that I'm glad that everyone can enjoy these chars and their stories despite them being older. And I hope they (and even myself a bit) can be inspiration that indeed, life, fun, your passions and hobbies, none of that ends when you finish school or when you turn 30. keep on doing what you love always and keep on learning and discovering more about yourself!!

[lycanr0t]

if you'd like to share your thoughts on gay trans man marcille i'd love to read them and/or see your art of him! (no pressure of course!)

oh man will I share my thoughts dfjkh I was maybe going to eventually make a post to ramble about it but this gives me the perfect excuse to now :J

This ranting WILL have spoilers for anime only fans/ppl who haven't finished the manga!

Marcille is interesting to read as a gay trans man though. Because how I see it, during the events of the manga he would not know he's trans! Or at most, he would maybe have some Gender Feelings but he wouldn't really understand it yet.

To me, Marcille is the type who would at first do everything in his power to deny it/convince himself he isn't trans. I think he would have a fair bit of internalized transphobia just as a result of his fairly rigid way of going about things. He has specific standards for himself especially but also for others.

This is where my gay trans man headcanon for Falin comes in lol.

Not for romance reasons specifically, but because I think the way Marcille treats Falin when looked at through the lens of Marcille being a trans egg is especially interesting.

For my Falin headcanon, I see Falin as a gay trans man as well, but I think that he wouldn't be out to Marcille until after the events of the manga. This is very integral to how I view Marcille's gender discovery happening.

I think that during the time they're in school together, Marcille would have feelings for Falin that are confusing. In Marcille's mind they're both girls, so he must just be a girl into girls, right? Meanwhile Falin performs girl wrong and this challenges Marcille's worldview. Marcille cares for Falin, and this manifests as Marcille trying to 'help' Falin perform girl better. Basically, Marcille doubling down on his currently held beliefs of what gender is and how it functions instead of considering that it may not be that simple, and he and/or Falin may not be a girl. Falin I think would not bring up being trans for a few reasons but primarily that boy is just not big on conflict with people especially those he cares for.

But anyways. A perfect example of Marcille forcing his idea of correct gender performance being in a daydream hour page where Falin is drawn with short hair, and Marcille is visibly pretty upset by it. (I don't have the translated image but here it is)

I know that it seems like a small thing that doesn't hold much weight, and it's not technically canon but trans mens hair is often something that people feel that they need to control. A girl cutting her hair short is seen as this horrible, unacceptable thing. Now again, obviously Falin doesn't canonically cut his hair short, but the fact that Marcille would be upset and specifically wants it long again informs us about his view of these things. I think that hair being useful for magic would end up being a justification for both being upset by the concept of Falin with short hair, and a justification to himself on why he is not allowed to experiment with shorter hair. It's more practical for his line of work/study, so it's a perfect excuse to just never think about if he TRULY loves it long or if he is just doubling down on performing what's expected of him.

Marcille is a KING of appearing way more uptight than he is. He's very by the books, very strict seeming about doing magic right, but he also specifically primarily has interest in the most taboo magic. He's the loudest about complaining about eating monsters, but he's also the first one to outright say that if they have to eat demihumans then so be it. Marcille is full of contradicting feelings and actions and I think he's prone to trying to fit into what people expect but his heart isn't fully in it so he still ends up doing the unexpected as well.

Even after the manga, Marcille has lost his desire to take care of his hair but he honestly doesn't seem... that upset by it? He is upset, sure, but for something that appeared to be a pretty big thing for him he accepts it shockingly smoothly. Almost as if perhaps, it's a relief to have an excuse to try something different. To try shorter hair maybe? Because now he has an excuse other than doing gender 'wrong'. It would feel safer to explore.

Aand I have a TON of other thoughts but this is getting pretty long and I'm losing track of my thoughts SO I'm going to drop a small list of some other random half formed thoughts I think about in relation to Marcille being a gay trans man

marcille being half elf half tallman and the parallel between that and being trans and how when you're trans you're alienated and isolated. in society's eyes youre not fully a man, not fully a woman, you're both and neither and othered in a complicated way

everyone assuming marcilles wish is to become 'full elf' also is interesting to compare to the experience of people viewing being trans as 'wishing you were X gender' in a very binary way

marcille asking if his dad is pregnant in a flashback just feels like something a trans egg kid would say

marcilles overall attachment to his father tbh.

marcille being super into romance novels and specifically his succubus presenting as a pretty boy from his novels. Obviously this can be read romantic or whatever but I know personally a lot of characters I was obsessed with as a child that I thought was romantic attraction turned out to be a combination of attraction and wanting their gender expression. I think it's interesting to read into marcille's interest in romance novels as him finding a 'safe' way to explore his attraction to men and desire to be a man without actually acknowledging that directly. (a lot of irl gay trans men do similar before they realize theyre gay trans men!)

Aaand that's my thoughts for now lmao. Here's some pen doodles I did while figuring out how I wanted to draw post-canon marcille :> Still working on figuring him out but I like how these look! I like the idea of him having some facial hair (not very long as elves seem to not be able to grow much body hair) and probably cutting his hair so it's more shoulder length and a bit easier to manage!

[goldennightengale]

Hello hello! I hope your college isn’t dragging you through the mud too hard and that you still get chances to relax (because my uni is not giving me that time 💀)! This is gonna be a fluffy request related to uni because I really need it. Could I request Riddle, Trey, Leona, Ruggie, and Jade’s reactions to having a study/assignment sesh with reader and reader falling asleep (on them/at the table/your choice!)? Sorry this is so long ahaha. Anyways, stay hydrated!!

Of course! Honestly, I really needed this prompt and it made me really happy to write such a cute scenario! Thank you so much for the request!

Gender Neutral MC

Falling Asleep On Them During A Study Session!

Upcoming exams were looming around the corner and everyone was scrambling to get in some last-minute studying. Having to juggle your study time with the dumbass squad was nearly impossible. They never stayed focused long enough to get anything done and constantly dragged you out of your room to play. So you did the only thing you could think of: asking for a study buddy!

Luckily, you were able to get some help from a certain upperclassman. As time flew by, you found yourself drifting off. The exhaustion of doing the headmaster’s chores and keeping your grades above the failing line was catching up to you. 

They wouldn’t mind if you closed your eyes for just a few minutes, right?

Riddle Rosehearts (Shoulder)

Normally he would have gently nudged you awake and scolded you for not sleeping properly

How could you possibly get any studying done if you didn’t take care of yourself? He knows from experience that sleep deprivation and exams are not the best combinations

He tries to be quiet and not move too much. He doesn’t want to wake you up!

Thankful that no one is in the library so he can look at you all he wants and not have to worry about others calling him creepy

Will move you onto his lap so you don't hurt your neck too much and he can use both hands to pack up your school supplies with magic

Riddle jolted when he felt your head land softly onto his shoulder. The two of you had spent the past 3 hours comparing history notes and quizzing one another without a single break, so it didn’t surprise him that you’d hit your breaking point. What he didn’t expect was for you to use him as a bed. 

Looking closer, the redhead noticed how tired you looked. Dark circles under your eyes, hair tangled and dull, even your skin looked less than healthy. To think you would run yourself this ragged and not ask for help sooner baffled him. 

Gently maneuvering you onto his lap, though not without an embarrassing flush tinting his face a lovely shade of red, he used his magic to organize your notes into a neat pile. He might as well let you get the rest you deserve after all your hard work.

“Honestly, you shouldn’t force yourself if you’re tired. I expect you to take better care of yourself from now on, prefect.”

Trey Clover (Back)

Will tease you and say that he won't wake you up but he will (on accident)

You fell asleep on his back while facing away from him and doing trivia cards to help you with memorizing the material

When he tries to adjust you, he slips and you startle awake

Reheats a slice of chestnut pie as an apology

He understands that you’ve been going through a lot (mainly since you deal with his underclassmen) so he will try to make a study guide for you

He won’t give you all the answers, but there will be obvious hints to lead you in the right direction

He can’t let the others think he favors you too much after all :)

The two of you had been trying to keep you awake via note card quiz. Facing away from each other, he’d ask you a question and you’d try your best to answer correctly. Occasionally he’d correct you, either by a light shove or challenging hum, but you were proud of the progress you made. 

It was only after Trey moved onto potionology that he realized you fell asleep, your body fully supported by his own and filling him with a gentle warmth. You always made him feel warm in moments like this when you rely on him for even the littlest things. 

When he tried shifting to a more comfortable position, you yelped trying to catch yourself and save your face from gaining a new bruise. What a rude awakening!

“Sorry! Now, now, don’t be angry. How about some pie as an apology?”

Leona Kingscholar (Stomach)

Is probably the reason you fell asleep, to begin with

He refused to study at a table and dragged you to his room to lie on his bed

You got back at him by laying on his stomach so he couldn’t get comfortable and so you could poke his face when he started drifting off hehe

Surprisingly a good study buddy! He won’t give you the answers outright but he’ll give you tips on how to connect the dots to the right answer

Only agreed to help you if you babysat Cheka the next time he came over (totally not bc he saw how much you were struggling taking care of the idiot trio)

When he noticed you fell asleep he gets this smug look before adjusting himself for a nap as well

He can’t let you get all the Zzzs in by yourself now!

Leona had corrected you a multitude of times by now. History in Twisted Wonderland was a tricky thing to remember, with multiple events happening within the same year or important figures being present in several events at the same time. You don’t even want to try remembering how many wars a single lion cub started when he claimed the throne…

Luckily, your lazy lion was good at helping you connect the dots. However, as much as he helped you with memorizing he was not a good aid in keeping you from falling asleep. His voice was soothing to listen to, although it was gruff and sharp, and you could feel the vibrations within his chest from where you lay. 

Eventually, you nodded off completely, snuggling into his chest like a kitten in a sunny spot. The smug bastard knew you wouldn’t keep awake long and we’re only delaying the inevitable. Taking the time to snap a picture (to gloat and use as blackmail ofc) he slowly adjusted you to allow him a more comfortable position. 

“Of course, a little one like you couldn’t care less about sleeping on a predator. Looks like I’ll have to keep my new prey all to myself~”

Ruggie Bucchi (Table)

Another one that would tease you if you fell asleep near him

Feels incredibly smug from the fact you trust him enough to lower your guard around a well-known thief

The coyest when it comes to tutoring you on certain subjects (especially animal language)

Overall will help you study but understands that you’re exhausted from taking care of the first years

Don’t tell anyone, but he definitely plays with your hair while you sleep

Maybe if he’s feeling brave, he’ll nuzzle your noses together too

It was only natural to ask Ruggie to help you in the language, especially after you caught him making deals with the campus cats in exchange for gossip. That and leaving you in charge of taking care of his dorm member. With a little bargaining and the offer of a few donuts, you finally had yourself a semi-reliable tutor!

Ruggie was thorough in teaching you what tones mean so you didn’t offend anyone, or cuss Professor Trein out by accident because you “mrrr” wrong. All the repetition was starting to make your throat hurt, so you asked for a break. 

When Ruggie returned from getting some tea and snacks, he found your head down on the table and sleeping away. For a second, he was tempted to doodle on your face as a prank, but looking at the dark circles under your eyes deterred him. So he simply sat beside you and began slowly running his fingers through your hair and detangling it. 

“I guess little birdie’s also got a lot on their plate… Well, at least I already got my payment! Shishi…”

Jade Leech (Arm)

Smuggest bastard to ever smug

Mistakes your asking for help as you want a deal with Azul, but are pleasantly surprised to find out you needed him instead

Brings you to Monstro Lounge after hours which is when most Octavinelle students take time to study

Very helpful, but his handwriting is hell on the eyes

I refuse to believe that the fish mafia has perfect handwriting, especially the twins

Will let you sleep on him for a price: he gets to do whatever he wants with you while you rest (you did not know of these conditions beforehand…)

Monstro Lounge is a surprisingly nice place to study. The subtle purple glow and the beautifully lit fish tanks create the perfect atmosphere to focus without getting overwhelmed by noise and bright lighting. A bonus? If you get hungry, there is a snack bar in the corner. Jade was right, this is the perfect place to get your notes together!

While trying (and failing) to read Jade’s handwritten notes on history, you felt the oncoming drowsiness hang heavy on you. While the underwater dorm is a great place to relax, it seems to be too relaxing. Your head was drifting side to side, swaying dangerously towards the table a few times. 

Just as Jade was going to guide you back to your dorm, he felt a weight settle onto his arm. There you were, sleeping peacefully away on one of the most dangerous students on campus. How brave, or in Jade’s words: interestingly foolish. A devilish grin spread across the eel’s face as he looked at you. 

“My, my, how fun~ They wouldn’t mind if I took my chances at a new experiment now, would they?”

I hope my work satisfied your fantasy! - GN

[pineappleciders]

hey!! i saw that ur writing reqs were open and i was wondering if u could write (platonic) hcs of the main 4 finding out their friend, reader, is trans ftm?

++reader transitioned before meeting the main 4 and is afraid of revealing it to them, worried that their relationship as friends might change somehow or they might not even see him as a guy anymore

take your time!! i love ur writing btw !!!!!!

sp main 4 finding out reader is trans ftm

A/N: thank you so much!!! i can do a mtf or nb vers for anyone who wants it :) i'm sorry if anything is offensive or anything!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: some transphobia on cartmans part (i know this sounds bad but jsut read it😭) and probably some talk about dingalings and hoohas (very briefly)

stan marsh

he's curious about it!! like he'll ask a bunch of questions about how you found out and what it means and stuff

he honestly probably doesn't know a lot about it before u explain it to him. like he knows people are transgender but he never learned about gender dysphoria or why people transition

he might ask a few,, personal questions. he genuinely doesn't mean to be rude or weird he's just curious !! will stop and apologize if you are uncomfortable

"seriously, you don't look like you were born a girl. i never would've been able to tell."

it might make him question his own gender??? like he might talk to you about it sometimes and he explains it as 'not really feeling like either a boy or a girl'

other than that he doesn't really care, like he doesn't treat you any differently. honestly he probably forgets it if anything😭😭 like in the T.M.I. episode he asks why you aren't lining up to get ur wiener measured and then he's like oh yeah oops i forgot💀

kyle broflovski

"oh. really? like, actually? huh."

he's honestly just confused as you've never said anything about it before. he might ask why you didn't tell him but when you explain he understands and tells you he wouldn't view you differently no matter what

"i mean, i think it's stupid that some people deliberately go out of their way to misgender people. like, you've been a boy and i've always seen you as a boy, so why would i purposefully make you feel bad? that's just stupid!"

he appreciates if you teach him a bit more about it, 'cause he doesn't know a whole lot

i feel like he'd purposefully do more,, boyish things with you???? like he invites you to play football or play video games more or like idk. do boy things.

he doesn't do it to single you out, he just really wants to make sure you feel like you fit in with the rest of the guys, so he's always inviting you to meetings with the dudes and treating you like a brother

eric cartman

i feel like there are a lot of different ways this could go, but mainly i feel like he's never actually going to view you as a girl?? if that makes sense

like he'll make fun of you and probably tease you (similar the whole sand in kyles vagina thing and calling him ms. broflovski and shit yk??) but no matter how much he tries to crack transphobic jokes he still sees you as a guy

he honestly might be a little uncomfortable at first because he feels like you're 'a spy for the girls'. but he quickly gets a stern talking-to from kyle and at least doesn't voice that opinion anymore

either way as much as he hates it he still sees you as a dude, if anything it just makes him uncomfortable to think about ur (or anyones) sex so he just goes with the flow. literally dress up as anything and he'll treat you like it. he doesn't want to put that much effort into caring

so yeah he makes fun of you and misgenders you but not in a genuine way. he can try but he still views u as one of the guys so he just accepts it and moves on. again he doesn't care enough to dwell on it

kenny mccormick

he might ask a few questions like stan but he genuinely on god fr doesn't care. it literally does not affect his view on you at all

he doesn't necessarily fully understand what being trans means but he doesn't really need to to understand that u are what u are. like if ur happy being a dude then be a dude he doesn't get what's so hard to grasp for some people

kenny isn't really one for labels. he also hasn't really explored his gender and stuff and honestly?? he doesn't plan on it. it just doesn't matter to him, he's fine with just living his life (when he's actually alive and living it)

even if he does have a few erm personal questions he keeps them to himself. he knows it could be a touchy subject and he really just thinks that whatever you were born as isn't any of his business

he will defend u whenever you face harassment from certain people, like he honestly just tells them that it's not their business and to fuck off. he mostly jumps in because he knows it probably hurts to hear stuff like that and tries to tell you that it doesn't matter what other people think, all that matters is that ur happy in your skin :)

[mariii1]

✨🏳️‍🌈𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙂𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙨 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙀𝙪𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙖?🏳️‍🌈✨

YEAHHHHHHHHJJHHHH

MY FIRST COLLAB EVERRR! Thank you so much to @upheavalofmemory for collaborating with me, this was honestly quite fun to plan everything out. I'll probs post again after this in another three months! 😜😘

Piles go from left to right from 1-6 🤗

Pile 1: Library: “Take control of your own narrative” Writing. Writing yourself into stories where you are your desired gender and have your desired appearance. Consuming content with people of your gender is also incredibly gender euphoric for you. You love getting representation for your gender, and it makes you feel a sense of bliss. Lavender: “Surround yourself with love” Hanging out with friends who support you is something that gives you gender euphoria. Your friend groups may be gender-diverse which gives you a sense of euphoria as your role in those relationships isn’t limited to your gender. If you’re out to your friends, they might support you and use your desired pronouns and if not, you know they’re still great friends who would support you regardless (even if they don’t understand). Universe: “We’re all just stardust” Body neutrality might give you gender euphoria. Body neutrality is the idea of appreciating your body for what it can do, regardless of what it looks like or how it functions. Giving your body parts names that are gender neutral or euphoric in relation to your gender, especially if you haven’t gotten surgeries or don’t intend on getting surgeries. Also, the idea of your body being a “flesh vessel” might also give you some comfort. Feather: “Think first before you judge” Similar to the Lavender message, you appreciate people who take the time to listen rather than immediately declare that they don’t support you, people who are willing to listen and take the time to support you, even if they struggle with it or don’t fully understand it. The efforts that family, friends, and/or acquaintances go through are something that gives you gender euphoria.

Pile 2: I think you guys want to be able to embrace your femininity in a way that works for you. I'm getting drag but it doesn't have to be about drag necessarily, just hyper femininity especially if you guys are amab. I feel it's been a constant struggle for you to determine what makes you feel feminine. You don't fit in or align with regular societal conventions around being feminine especially if you're somebody who's into new age stuff or if you're in a more conservative country. You may have a hard time with some of the gender roles and expectations of women or just what it means to be feminine in that culture. Sitting with yourself and really reflecting on what makes you feel feminine will help. Being surrounded or wearing very cute things, specifically getting the coquette aesthetic or just fairy/mystical nature vibes. Having a femininity that isn't like super hyper sexualized but also makes you feel very confident or at least one where you don't feel like you have to compete with other women to be more feminine. A lot of you have struggled with people telling you that you're not feminine enough or you're too feminine if you're male presenting. Really trying to separate from yourself and how you've been programed to see femininity in general especially if you struggle with being surrounded by toxic masculinity. some of you may also get euphoria from dressing up more gothic or alternative but may feel like you can't out of a fear of judgement. Also dark coquette vibes like black lace and doll like clothing. For some of you, you think that if you start wearing darker clothing, you'll be seen as an outcast but I personally think you'd just look really cute. some of you are also interested in wearing latex or bdsm clothing.. You could also try introducing that into your wardrobe little by little, maybe wearing a lowkey harness with your regular clothes or wearing latex stockings under a long skirt.

Pile 3: Grey: “Endings are inevitable” & Tree: “Let them go” Letting go of toxic people and cutting loose ends gives you gender euphoria. You (TW!) might not have supportive family members or friends, and you may intend on cutting them off. The idea of cutting them off and getting freedom from them, being able to be authentically yourself gives you gender euphoria. Burning those bridges and finding a new community to settle in (found family) may also give you gender euphoria, and you may or may not already have these people in your life. Tower: “Unplug & relax for a spell” Self-care makes you feel gender euphoric. You may have already transitioned (if you intend to) or you already feel confident in your body and your body makes you feel euphoric. You may focus on the small details of your body that give you that subtle confidence, and it makes you feel great. You may also be a witch or practice magic, which also gives you gender euphoria. You may study LGBTQ+ figures in religion or worship them, or feel accepted by them. In your religion or faith of choice you might feel unjudged and it gives you a heavy sense of euphoria and relief. Voyage: “You already have all the answers” Similar to the message from Tower, your body and the changes it goes through give you gender euphoria. You might be growing a bit of stubble, or your voice is finally pitched to perfection, or you were (finally) addressed as the gender you are in the grocery store or something similar. Also, knowing who you are and having that confidence within you gives you gender euphoria.

Pile 4: I'm already getting similar vibes to pile number 2 but even more dark and alt mostly gothic lolita and darker more fancy alt clothing. You guys might really love (or would love) to present as genderless. You might also identify as agender. Some of you might want to have a body that isn't super adult like and genderless in that way. It's not a weird regression thing but more having a body that can't be sexualized or presents as very neutral. There's specific top surgery for this but i forgot the name, def look into it though if it's something you might be interested in. A lot of you peeps give me Mana from Malice Mizer vibes (an iconnnn✨) He (and gothic lolita and the visual kei style in general) present as genderless at least to me. I think you guys would really appreciate retro or old Gothic clothing, again gothic lolita also vampire like goth clothing? That sounds snazzzy. I'm also getting glam rock for some of you (I've been into glam rock drag lately, it's perfect) Clothing where people literally would look at you and would just stutter when figuring out what pronouns to use for you. Just everyone being confused would honestly give ya'll a lot of euphoria. Also, if there was a particular style that you really liked in your childhood or admired/looked up to, definitely revisit that.

Pile 5: You might also be attracted to pile three. Mural: “Be your own first priority” & Potion “Practice self love.” Putting yourself and your needs first gives you the feeling of gender euphoria. Knowing you are advocating for yourself and the things you need, having the confidence to charge in without fear. Not focusing on the bigots, and being your best authentic self surrounded by people who accept you. Sundress: “Do it for you” & Evil Queen: “You deserve sugar, not salt.” (18+!) Dressing in feminine clothes might give you gender euphoria, depending on your gender or gender expression. Or in general, dressing the way you’d like to dress in terms of your gender. Possibly doing gender-positive makeup, using it to affirm your identity. You might participate in drag if it is applicable or dress as (stereotypically) different genders (especially if you are nonbinary or anywhere under the genderfluid umbrella). Additionally, (18+!) participating in sexual acts that reaffirm your gender gives you gender euphoria. Lighthouse: “Don’t doubt your worth” Like the first section, being an absolute bad b!tch is something that gives you gender euphoria. You might proudly be out of the closet, advocating for trans-youth, a nightmare in the comments sections (in a good way!), calling out bigots, etc. Such powerful energy honestly from this pile. You get gender euphoria by being your absolute, unapologetic self, even if it pisses off some people, you’d gladly piss them off and then some more, existing just out of spite.

Pile 6: You guys might suffer severely from (CW!) gender dysphoria. You may be considered more voluptuous or round especially for your gender. I'm getting a lot of amab people here, especially if you weigh more than others. I'm getting a lot of you just want to get rid of what you perceive to be womanly. At the same time, what would make you happier though is taking the time to plan your transition out. The transition itself would obviously give you lots of euphoria but you might feel as though you have to rush through your transition or as if there's no way you can live with the amount of dysphoria you have at the moment. I'm not saying that to say you should stay upset with your body and postpone any gender-affirming healthcare. However, I think you might need more exploration than you've initially thought. I also think talking to people about your feelings around your body would be really helpful or even just journaling about the changes that you might want and specifically why you want them. Again, not in a way to put yourself down but as a way to really think and see what would bring you happiness. And for some of you that is just losing weight and not being as curvacious. There might also be smaller ways to ease your dysphoria too. I think if you have been brought up by a more conservative family, you were programmed to believe in general roles especially in terms of your body that you definitely still should unpack. If you've ever felt like you're unnatural for feeling this way or as if transitioning was unnatural, you should just love your body the way it is. yada yada, I want you to know that whatever you believe in (whether that's a higher power, spirit guys, or just you know your future self) they DO want you to make this transition and they do approve of you making bodily changes in a way that would really make you happy. I honestly relate to this group and I feel like I'm gonna cry but just know we're all rooting for you!

[stoopid-turtle]

made-up thoughts about dd's gender presentation

Okay, the gender post! Honestly, dd's gender presentation is something I think about a lot (ok, I just think about everything dd-related a lot), so here's a post about it. A couple disclaimers on the way down though.

Gender is weird

Um, so gender is complicated and deep. I'm not gonna delve into that too much. Just know I'm not saying much about dd's gender identity, because that's too speculative for me and I don't tend to analyze how people might feel their gender inside.

So this is all about gender expression or performance. The way he presents himself to the world. This includes stuff like clothing, ways of talking, makeup, mannerisms, etc. Anything we can see when we watch him.

For those more into the advanced gender convo, yes yes, gender is a social construct and there's nothing inherent about, say, a tuxedo that makes it a "man's" outfit. Fully onboard with that. But for simplicity's sake, let's shortcut to acting as if we buy into how society genders random stuff so as to recognize that a tux is "male-coded" by just about every society in the present day. Everybody swims in these waters, and they perform their gender with the understanding of how their society assigns these arbitrary gender assignments, so let's just deal with that for this convo. /obligatory gender theorist disclaimer

East vs West

I'm in the US, and I fully recognize that there are different norms for gender in Eastern cultures. A lot of the things that read as "feminine" to Western eyes is more neutral in the East, such as long hair or makeup. (I've read a fantastic tumblr post that went into this in-depth but, alas, I can't find it now. You will notice throughout this post that I am extraordinarily bad at refinding things)

On top of that, idols, in specific, often have quite feminine stylings to Western standards. In the East, the vibe I get is that idols are seen as more androgynous (though still threatening to some forms of masculinity).

I can only speak from my own very westernized perspective, so take it with as much salt as you want. I reserve the right to change my mind about everything later, anyway.

Basically, I have 3 main points here, starting with:

1. DD's early styling was more femme than he would ordinarily gravitate to

There's a moment I think about a lot. This one, specifically, set a month and a half after UNIQ's debut. The band is on a Chinese talk show and the host enthuses about them.

(also, baby DD rapping Love the Way You Lie is just....well, it's a thing that happened) (some US context: Love The Way You Lie was an Issue Song pointedly about domestic violence with Rihanna - an artist who had been a victim of a highly publicized dv assault - as the chorus singer and Eminem - a rapper with a history of misogynist lyrics (with a song about murdering his ex-gf) - doing the rap. It had a weirdly sexy music video with that lotr guy and was also a thing that happened)

DD is 17 years old here--a baby--and he's, frankly, adorable. He notes that he's been training for 4 years (I'm so curious about what idol training looks like, tbh), which wows the host.

But the part that I think about a lot is when the host expounds at length about how beautiful and like a girl dd is. DD has a girl's hairstyle (i've had that exact hairstyle at multiple points in my life), and the host says at various points that he's "more beautiful than girls", that girls will envy him, that he is very very pretty, that if she were a man, she would fall in love with him. The basic upshot here is that much is made of his feminine looks, and I get the vibe that his styling is more femme than typical, even for an idol.

At the same time, I think about this moment of dd in a dance competition in 2011, before his debut. DD's main passion has always been dancing, and he went into hiphop dancing, as shown here. He also attempted breakdancing while younger, though an early injury apparently kept him from going that route (I swear I've heard this somewhere, but can't find where. Link me if you know).

DD was interested in the more macho-types of street dances. Hiphop isn't as dominated by men as breaking is, but it's still has more of a masculine culture than jazz or, you know, waacking.

I think a lot about a kid who wanted to spend his life dancing, who went through idol training to debut as the femme maknae of a group. It was a weird fit for him, and I think his movement away from that initial look reflects that.

At the same time, I want to go back to something I find significant about his talk show appearance.

When asked who is most popular among girls, everybody (dd included) points to dd. (A bandmate also jokes that dd is most popular among men). A 17-year-old kid who just debuted a little over a month ago with a femme style is already getting fawned over by fans and older female hosts. However weird it could be, it's gotta be a huge ego-boost at a formative time to get the positive feedback to that look.

I think (and putting on my speculation hat here) that this is important for dd's performance of gender as he gets older.

Which brings me to the next main point:

2. DD enjoyed his more feminine idol look bc he knew it made him attractive

I suspect dd came to some acceptance of the more femme styling (once he moved away from the white peony look) primarily because it got him so much fawning.

I imagine idol training goes into how to create a public persona for oneself, especially given how much idols are supposed to reveal of themselves. Letting fans feel that they're getting an intimate look at the real person, while still maintaining the privacy of their actual personal life, is a skill, and I expect it's second-nature to dd at this point given how long he's been in the industry.

This isn't to say that dd's fake or that the dd we see publicly isn't "really" him. But it is a carefully presented version of him that intentionally keeps his private life private.

There's really 2 periods where we probably see the most authentic, unfiltered dd: the early UNIQ days, when he was still getting the hang of the ent industry (though that's complicated in that he was also young and under pressure to perform a certain way and had not developed the skills/experience/cache to set limits, hence him doing a lot more cutesy stuff that he refuses to do as he gets older); and the bts footage for CQL, as he did not expect those to be so widely seen. Even the unscripted stuff like DDU and SDC allows for some intentional presentation of himself in a way the more candid bts moments did not.

That's a bit of a digression, actually, but it's important because I think this public persona, especially the idol persona, is more femme than dd would normally style himself (as in, how he would style himself if he weren't an entertainer). The result of this is that we see some contexts, such as the CQL fanmeetings where dd wears women's outfits, where that idol style is intentionally deployed. Part of the point of fanmeetings is fanservice, and dd's feminine presentation, linked as it is to his idol image, is wholly about pleasing the fans.

There's reason to believe that dd was never too much into those stylings because he intrinsically enjoyed them. He's said multiple times in interviews that he prefers going without makeup. This isn't too telling because, hey, makeup can be uncomfortable to wear. Especially stage makeup.

But there's an interesting compilation of interview clips where dd reveals his complete lack of even any interest in makeup, referring curious interviewers to talk to his makeup artist and explicitly associating makeup with women (I have looked everywhere for this. I swear I saw this compilation on YouTube but now I can't find it. This is unfortunate bc this particular video really made me think about dd's gender presentation). And of course, his attempt to do someone else's makeup was...adorable. This is not a guy who wears makeup for the joy of it. He wears it because it's part of his job.

This isn't to say that dd looks down on it. Not at all. We only have to look at his defensiveness of the idol look to gg during the bts to see this. I don't think he's at all bothered by makeup. He just accepts it as part of his career.

(I have a completely made-up story in my head about how gg's preference for no-makeup dd was a major romantic thing bc it's gg liking the real dd, not the idol persona that everybody else fawns over. And how, once dd realized that gg was paying him a compliment, it gave him big feels. This story is definitely not real)

This all is gonna lead me to my last main point:

3. DD's probably okay taking on a more masculine style now bc it fits more how he would naturally dress himself

Like millions of other people, I really dig the idol look. When I was doing my initial dive into turtledom and read about some of the Chinese censorship of idols in recent years, I was initially put out because...idol!dd!

(Ok, as a queer person, I also have big solidarity feels and stuff, but that's a whole digression)

But then I began obsessively watching browsing dd stuff on YouTube and I came around to thinking that while I love and miss idol!dd, I don't know that dd is too shook up over it.

In my view, dd sees that type of styling as a role to put on for certain performances. Now that it's out of style, so to say, he switches to something else. It goes along with some other career transitions he's making, such as focusing more on film. I think this may just let him go with a more "natural" styling (basically, how he would style himself if he weren't a celebrity).

(I do think he likes dyeing his hair fashion colors, but that's not necessarily gendered. He's had plenty of dyed hair looks that are still masc)

When I think of things like that...well, I still personally miss idol!dd because that look really works for me. But I'm not bothered on his behalf because I don't know that he feels particularly constrained by the idol crackdown (at least with regards to no longer being able to present with an idol style; there are other aspects of the politics that may feel constraining, but that's a whole other digression). If anything, it provides a good reason for him to move away from idol-dom in his career (which he'd have to do at some point as he ages).

To wrap this up, I've felt horrendously guilty that the first photo on this tumblr wasn't even of dd or gg, so i'm gonna end this with a photo of idol!dd. I'm not gonna say it's my favorite look, because it's just cruel to make me pick a single favorite. But this is one I think is pretty.

[sparkles-oflight]

I wasn't going to post this. I saw everyone jumping on the "let me tell you my emotional connection to joker out" train and I wasn't going to participate because.....well....my annoying ass already said everything there needs to be said through tags on random posts (I should really learn how to shut my mouth).

But now it's 4 am (thank you Rosa Linn, I can't say that seriously ever again), I'm having trouble sleeping since I'm not fully recovered from my cold, so, fuck it.

I'll go on a rant so... I'll add the little thing that "divides" the post so that is easier to skip

Ah....where to start...I could tell you how I started enjoying joker out but that's a wholeass post on itself...

So, I'm going to start with how I connect to each member.

Bojan, you were the one who "opened the doors" to me. Frontman doing his service. In Bojan I saw a lot about myself. I saw a guy who loves to make bad puns, who loves languages and brag about their multicultural knowledge. I saw a guy who can be awkward at times, who deal with anxiety problems... Who says they'll stay away from Social media and then proceeds to post the most unhinged things. I saw someone who likes to understand societies as well (please be my tutor, I really need to pass sociology this is year) and likes to fight stereotypes.

Kris told us Bojan's parents can be a bit more judgy and without going into a lot of details, I'll say I also understand that so much (I didn't want to bring sexuality into this, but even if Bojan turns out to be straight, I still relate to all the pressure is parents must put on him just because he goes against "the norm" in the Balkans).

Kris...my bitch.

(Jk jk, I love him a lot).

How do I start?

Kris and I honestly have a lot of common too. The whole "bullying for falling at being one gender" thing hits so close. I don't talk about my gender much but I currently identify as a enby/gender fluid. However, for most of my life I was terrified of failing as a girl.

I remember coming home and asking my mom why was I different from the other girls (NOT IN THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING, PLS, I'M QUITE LITERALLY JUST NOT A GIRL 😅) and she would reply stuff like "Of course you are like the others, you have a vagina like them" - this sounds so bad and it made me feel so much worse because it didn't provide me with an answer at all to the bullying I endured. I had short hair, liked "boyish" things and so I was called a boy (+I got transphobic comments too ✌🏽😙). I was never as close with the girls because of it and boys would also exclude me from being too close to them. I was in the middle and I had to change my personality countless times to fit my assigned gender.

Now that I'm in university, I finally figured myself out and it's so refreshing waking up to see myself with short hair again, with more "genderless" clothes, having no problems with my little "moustachio" and being able to appreciate what I see in the mirror... learning to love myself.

Kris as we know him identifies as a man. He, however, also learned how to break the gender stigma (AND THAT OUTFIT IS A FUCKING STATEMENT) and learned that having confidence in himself is all that matters. No matter how long your hair is, no matter how you dance or sing, no matter the color of your pants. Be yourself and be proud of you are is really what matters!

Jan....I actually don't have a lot to say (I think I wasted most my words with Kris), but just like Kris I also love how comfortable Jan feels in himself and how little he seems to care about what others think. I love his sense of humor and his style. I love his voice and how sometimes he can get a little embarrassed off-stage...I would just really love to have him as a best friend honestly. He probably zones out instead of listening, but oh well 😅

Naceeeeee, my teddy bear. I also don't have the energy to dive too deep in the topic, but as someone who also struggled with body image issues, I'm so proud whenever Nace feels comfortable on his own skin. It's refreshing.

But obviously I gotta mention that post. It's kinda funny to me that he wrote that when I'm currently writing a story for my script class about how it is to live with divorced parents and how the feeling of belonging is something we strive for.

It's something I definitely struggled with all my life and it's getting worse as time goes on. It's so refreshing to see another person go through and talk about it and seeing that they reached the happy ending I'm also looking for...

Jure le chatton. You know I don't usually talk much about you because we know nothing about your life. However, that interview where you said you asked your mom why you were problematic, hit me hard. For a lot of reasons I have mentioned before, but also because I'm considered problematic by both my parents. I don't want to get into many details... It's 4m after all.

There's one thing I was going to mention on Bojan's part, but I figured it would fit the whole band.

I really really am looking up to these guys. They are around my age and they have done so much already. I have been stuck in the past couple of years due to my depression - and realistically I never thought of actually turning 18, let alone 20 - and seeing how much they worked hard makes me want to work hard myself. I haven't been able to, but hopefully I will...

Also, everyday I have been waking up in a good mood knowing I have met some incredible people thanks to this fandom and the boys! Like, excuse people actually care about what I write, what???? 😅

It's been a great experience so far. Let's see what this will bring me in the future :)

[pillarsalt]

Hello! I don't know if you remember me but I have been I was the anon scared of being called a terf back in May. I have been in the process of peaking for a couple of months. I honestly feel both so relieved and also so disgusted now.

I am relieved that I can finally speak. I wish I was exaggerating but I was censoring myself about my own experience as a woman for years. The social order of males being on top also applied to all my discussions on misogyny where I was always believed less than trans women and questioned more. I am glad this is over even if I have things to work through still.

I am disgusted because I just cannot blind myself anymore, and misogyny from trans groups is so visible to me now. I don't condemn trans people as a whole, I still believe in gender dysphoria or the right to anyone to dress how they want and have full bodily autonomy. I have a lovely trans partner who also agrees about sex based oppression and gendered socialization. But trans groups are unashamedly misogynistic. The entitlement they have over redefining everything to fit them is insane. I do not understand why everybody acts like they have the last word on misogyny when they've only lived a fraction of their lives being perceived as women at best. Pointing out their misogyny was met with them telling me "they're not dudes" even tho I never hinted that I thought this, did the full pronoun respect routine and such.

Their movement is filled to the brim with white men who change nothing about their presentation and who they are beyond maybe calling themselves "they/them" or "she/her". They use their newfound oppression status as a shield against any criticism of misogyny. While I do think trans people face specific oppression, a lot of them want it to replace misogyny in definitions and fully erase all the actual misogynistic violence that doesnt apply to them. It makes me sad because I have met normal trans people who understand there are fundamental differences in how males and females are brought up and treated but they're in the minority. I think the Neil Gaiman situation where they lied about it being a ploy to change the outcome of the uk elections will peak more people. Women seem to gradually be done with all of this.

I don't have much to add, you make great points, but I'm very very glad to hear you finally feel able to think and speak freely - it's a relief, isn't it?

Thanks for your message, hope you are and stay well ❤️

[yanderes-galore]

Is it cool if we get a Steven Universe Ruby X Reader concept? You're so good at what you do! You should start charging honestly! I'd pay for it. And I don't mind the fact you're slow at the time. You've got a lot of requests on top of your personal life. Tysm for helping us with our fantasies!!! Take care, friend!!

I decided to do a generic Ruby as I could never split Garnet's Ruby from Sapphire. Also, I don't need the money so don't worry about it ^^ I'm so happy you support me, however! You're welcome and take care :)💜 You can apply this to any Ruby I think.

Yandere! Generic Ruby Guard(s) Concept

Pairing: Platonic/Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Overprotective behavior, Clingy behavior, Jealousy, Breach of privacy, Mentioned forced fusion at one point, Platonic/Romantic relationship, Harem dynamic.

- Since we're talking about Rubies in general, you could meet them in a variety of ways.

- You used to be a Homeworld gem.

- Your Ruby(s) crashed onto Earth and met you.

- or you met them in the Future timeline where Steven created Little Homeworld.

- Also, when it comes to Rubies, it's rare to see just one.

- You'd most likely meet a small group of them.

- Most of them are not the brightest, either.

- They're meant to be expendable soldiers, more brawn than brain.

- Although in a group of them there will be the ocassional smart one to balance things out.

- This makes Rubies easy to manipulate and keep under control if you order then right.

- Rubies would be considered Overprotective, Clingy, Obsessive, Curious, and Dedicated.

- Alone, they can be easy to deal with.

- A Ruby alone with no one to fuse with isn't too much of a threat.

- It's when you have a whole Ruby squad (3-5 Rubies) that all like you there's an issue.

- As now they can fuse and truly do some damage.

- Rubies are meant to be bodyguards.

- They'd be the most attached to a fellow Gem to guard, but if they have a human darling on Earth they'd probably act similar over time.

- Humans are fragile, they'd probably grasp this concept and feel you really need to be protected.

- As a result of being overprotective, they'd be clingy and never far from you.

- Also, as they're a soldier caste, they'd fight often with each other in an attempt to gain your attention.

- They can work together, yes, but they still get jealous.

- Rubies would want attention and praise from their darling.

- They want to know if they're doing a good job.

- If you were a Gem, they'd definitely want to try fusing once they know about it on Earth.

- Perhaps your Ruby/Rubies saw a relationship like Garnet and would pester you to start your own.

- With a human darling they'd probably attempt fusion at first in an attempt to make it work.

- Then be frustrated that it doesn't work as you're not half Gem....

- Rubies being obsessive of their darling comes from their protective and clingy nature.

- They'd act like children around you all the time, too.

- Usually when it comes to arguments, mostly.

- You have to listen to their arguments over who gets to hang out with you today... then you'd hear them gush about you....

- Rubies in a group can be a handful.

- They're also incredibly curious on how to better understand the feelings they have for you.

- Gem or human, they want to know how to fully express the relationship they feel they have between you.

- This works for platonic or romantic, honestly.

- They'd be curious of either type of relationship, as relationships and fusion is/was forbidden where they come from.

- Honestly, if you managed to fuse with them as a gem, they probably would not want it to end.

- It's brand new, strange, yet amazing.

- However, a fusion is not functional if one part doesn't wish to be a part of it.

- So they'd be disappointed when you leave the fusion due to not feeling up for it.

- Rubies are also very dedicated to a darling.

- Coming from their purpose in Gem culture, they feel they're useful by staying around you and caring for you 24/7.

- Good luck getting sleep, you'd have a dozen eyes staring at you with curiosity.

- You can try to get them to leave you alone, it won't last long though.

- Prying them from you is a pain.

- They whine and throw a fit when being removed from their darling.

- You can't just remove a guard from their assignment.

- Might as well talk about when the Rubies fuse together....

- Rubies can fuse together to create a much bigger version of themselves.

- They'd probably do this to protect you or... keep you under control.

- With their new size they can easily pick you up and hold you like a toy.

- They would probably do this as a new form of affection towards you.

- Also you move less if they hold you-

- So if you don't like their behavior and try to run, they'd use fusion to track you down again.

- On another note, they would comply to being held by you when they're singular.

- Although, you most likely can only hold one at a time, so the others would complain about you picking favorites.

- Rubies are used to being used for protection or fights, they can also be rather hot-headed.

- Which means they'd pick fights with other people over you often.

- Would they kill/shatter? Maybe.

- It is kind of what they were meant for on Homeworld.

- Kidnap? They would try to refrain from it but if they are convinced it would keep you safe... then yes.

- Most of the time, your word is their order.

- Which keeps them under control most of the time.

- Overall, Yandere Rubies can be a handful and very overprotective along with wishing to please their darling.

- The best way to deal with them is treat the group you have equally and make sure they get the same affection.

- They get rather upset if you don't treat them the same.

[nerves-nebula]

hi there, i want to ask about your usage of it/its pronouns, sorry if this might make you uncomfortable or if its weird or confusing

are your it/its pronouns any different from it/its pronouns for an object? I don't know how to word it sorry, I'm just trying to understand more about other types of pronouns

It’s fine. They aren’t different from an objects it/its to me, because objects & animals & concepts aren’t inherently inferior to humans, so I wouldn’t really mind being in the same group as them conceptually.

It’s a mindset I haven’t fully gotten into but I’m trying to rework the way I see the world, inspired partially by the things I’ve heard native Americans say. Like, I am not better than the food I eat because I’m human. A bear isn’t better than me because they can eat me & kill me. Humans are a part of the earth and would do best to work inside of it and with it than to try to control it or put ourselves on a higher level than it’s other creatures.

I mean clearly we can’t be all that much smarter & more important, what with what we’ve got going on.

But anyway, my pronoun change was at first honestly just the most logical conclusion.

Here’s my train of thought: I didn’t like he or she, Im not a man or a woman. and they/them don’t tell you anything about my gender. If you hear someone call me they/them you aren’t even gonna know I have a weird gender!

Similar to how man and woman are genders, but Non-binary isn’t. Non-binary just describes what you aren’t, its an umbrella term not (inherently) a specific gender. it’s very broad and most nonbinary people I’ve seen & met still identify in parts with man and woman. They/them is so vague that no one would bat an eye if you slipped in a they while describing a cis person who clearly reads as their assigned gender.

And I’m too forgetful & lazy to use neopronouns so, it/it’s was the natural choice. It’s easier to integrate because people already use it/it’s for stuff all the time.

And see, here’s the thing: I have a gender, I’m not vague or in between or a mix. And it’s much closer to like, the idea of a Third Gender. This was something that frustrated me a lot in high school because I would go looking for labels and most of them were about proximity to manhood & womanhood. Or about being agender or neutral. Or about concepts I fully did not relate to. I am not one of those things.

Another issue I had was that a lot of these gender labels had “-gender” at the end which doesn’t make sense to me at all. It’s not mangender and womangender so I didn’t vibe with this naming scheme.

I was also hesitant to use a label a white person made because I’d noticed that white people kind of have a different experience with nonbinary gender than people like me.

Luckily I found the perfect label! Maverique! It had no weird -gender suffix and it was made by a black person who created it online after realizing neutral/agender didn’t fit right.

And yea so it/its is a signifier of me as a third thing. not male, not female, not neutral or in between or lacking gender- just a different kind of person.

And this isn’t even getting into all the ways that I related to monsters in media, which were frequently called by it/it’s pronouns. Or how being abused factors into seeing myself as a non human THING and how embracing that makes me feel much more alive & like a person.

So yea, that’s the run down :)

[monorayjak]

I... it's getting hard to live like this. Hiding who I am to so many people. It hurts. I wrote a thing earlier today and I felt I summed up the feeling pretty well I think, reworded a bit to sound better:

"It feels like torturous self harm to be fully aware of who I am and yet imprison myself in a fortress of a false identity that's slowly caving in around me."

What I'm getting at here... I think... I think it might be time for me to come out to some people...and I really need some advice.

As of now, only four people IRL know about me, that's my therapist, my cousin (who was genuinely more like a sister to me), a friend at college (I knew they were extremely supportive and they had no connection to other people I know, so it seemed like a safe bet to tell her (I was right)), a friend I interacted with occasionally in high school who has since come out as trans herself (actually what got me to message her, saw her online and wanted to ask so I didn't misgender her or anything, and we got talking and I quickly realized she'd understand.)

At the moment, I'm still living with my mom, which is fine, I know she'll support me in her own way (she's queer herself, she has internalized issues, but she tries). I know my university I go to, despite having once been a "christian college," have opened up and been supportive of most of the students who do come out in one way or another. I know at least a few of the professors there who are absolutely trying to be supportive to everyone to the best of their abilities. My therapist knows, as mentioned before, but he is also... well, he ain't exactly a pro with gender and sexuality stuff (still a good guy, he just messes up what he's talking about here and there, like using masculine pronouns when he talks about a transwoman (largely I think its because he usually talks about them when they first started transitioning, and I don't think he thinks about gendering them correctly in reference to them coming out... if that makes any sense).

The issues... well, for one, I live in the bible belt. My extended family (who we are finally trying to cut ourselves off from now that the only think holding us together (my grandmother) is gone) lives all around me and the majority of them are.........well lets just say they really don't like my mom being gay, and one of them bullied a kid he was fostering because, in his words, "the kid's a fucking sissy!" Yeah... not a fan of that uncle. (In related news I am genuinely afraid of that man because he is very fucking clearly not mentally stable and has talked about killing himself and others before (while preaching at church!) and he is... really aggressive and has access to guns) I'm too poor to even consider leaving the state, and with... well frankly I'm a bit of a fuckup who really can't live on their own... yeah... fun times. Insurance may cover parts of things, but... honestly I don't even fucking know. Like I said, I know my mom will try to support me, but she is also... well, how do I say this? She tends to not know how to react to stuff. A large reason I don't talk about stuff with her is that she has a habit of turning it around into something about herself (not in a manipulative way, mind you. I just think she doesn't realize why it feels bad to tell her something like this and then have her break down a bit because I didn't tell her sooner or because she didn't work it out herself or anything like that). Basically, if I tell her, its either going to go one of two ways.

She reacts negatively and turns it around about herself and takes the moment to be hurt she didn't work things out or that I didn't tell her. (Literally once opened up to her when I was little (like 11?) about how much I hated myself... she said the next day she spent the entire night crying because she thought she failed... I understand what she was going for, but, honestly not something you should tell your kid who just opened up. Practically had it ingrained internally "If I feel bad, hide it. Because my mom will be devastated by it.")

She goes too supportive and expects me to be willing to open up immediately. Basically just forgetting she can't push me into being out and honest because it takes time to work up the courage.

Both of these options are... iffy. To say the least.

[karrenseely]

Emotional Regulation

So I have CPTSD. Everything I've read mostly points to this being a lifelong condition (yay :P) that is incredibly difficult for all of us whom suffer from it. I know it has been for me. I honestly don't know if I'd have developed it if my parents had been loving, supportive, and understanding like they should have. Because, even if they had been, I would still have likely had many many years of gas lighting from society, them, and my extended family to be a gender other than what I was. And that takes its toll on anyone's psyche.

But who knows, maybe if they'd been really supportive, then I wouldn't have had years of thinking I was crazy or shameful, maybe I would have transitioned really young as soon as I could tell them they were wrong. Then all I'd have to deal with is some body dysphoria. But then even that can take its toll as well. So I really couldn't say if I was destined to have this incredibly difficult mental health condition or not.

Either way, I really wish I'd had the loving supportive family every child deserves. I really wish I didn't find my psyche shattering as I grew up, getting stuck repeatedly at every traumatic event that I can remember, and actively forgetting everything I couldn't along with most of my other memories. Such that now, my memories consist of shattered disorganized shards scattered over the floor, most of those shards long since missing. It's really difficult to live when all you really have is now.

People talk about their childhoods like there's this linear well established timeline in their memories. It was a long time before I realized this was the typical way people remember their past. That for most people, they can remember approximately when such a memory occurred, in sequence with another. Even now, this is so foreign to me. I remember things in disjointed pieces, any one memory is not connected to any other. And few, if any, are connected to a specific time that I can locate.

Then there is the ability to remember what you did yesterday, or last week, or even last month in day to day life. That it's hard to know what's happened and what's been done recently. This was particularly bad when I was dissociating all the time, fortunately, therapy has helped with that part, and I don't do it as much and I can remember more of my day to day life. But even now, there are still significant holes in my memories of adult life. And admittedly as I struggle through my current flare of CPTSD symptoms, I sometimes wish I could dissociate like I used to so that I don't have to feel all of this horrible stuff. It hurts like hell.

If someone created the universe, they must be one of the most sadistic assholes to have ever existed, making it so healing is so effing painful, much less making thinking feeling beings feed off of one another.

In this journey of trying to heal, I've encountered many people talking about how, when we were abused as children we didn't develop our emotional regulation skills like normal loved, unabused kids do. I always found these comments or suppositions confusing. In large part due to the fact that I don't really understand what emotional regulation means. As a child, trying to survive, the only thing that worked, that made things even remotely bearable was dampening down on emotions until I didn't feel hardly anything at all. I wasn't particularly good at this, I still had feelings but they were distorted hazy half hearted things that would escape out, usually as anger, irritability, sadness, often fear, sometimes even joy would get out. But none were fully formed, or fully embraced, because if I did, then the pain would be in full force, the shame, the horror I constantly felt at what I was going through. So I did my best to damp down my emotions to almost nothing, and dissociate as much as I could so that I didn't have to feel or atleast remember feeling all those horrible things I felt. And the plus side to dissociation is that you truly only live in the moment. You can forget so much that way. You can ride the bus to school, but not remember any of it, just one moment you're at home and the next, poof, you're at school, and the next, poof, it's time to go home again and get on the bus, and poof the next you're at home again... you get the idea.

Emotions when all of the above were unsuccessful and I felt them anyway, usually it was the really really bad ones. And they were felt at 120% full blast. It was either 10 mph, or 120 mph. No inbetween. But people who talk about the ability to regulate emotions describe it as having inbetweens. Not having to feel the full blast, but not suppressing it completely either.

For the longest time when I encountered that phrase around emotional regulation, my mind just skittered past it, as it didn't make any sense to me. But I found myself thinking about it a couple months ago. And some kind fellow people with CPTSD pointed me to links that helped to explain the concept... except, those links were mostly just confusing. And unfortunately, my brain interpreted them as, "you are deficient, you're inability to regulate is your fault." Which didn't help. I honestly don't know if those explanations actually implied that, but it's what it felt like. Maybe because I didn't understand what they were saying.

Then... recently I returned to work, full time. And an interesting, if sucky, thing happened. I was fine at work, I could joke, I could laugh and have fun with coworkers and feel empathy for my patients and basically function somewhat like a typical human being in what I imagine is a healthy fashion. But as soon as I left work and went home, I had no energy left to keep the intrusive memories and emotions in check. And I would immediately start to crash. Spiraling down the rabbit hole of all those horrible memories. Nothing had specifically triggered them, it's just I ran out of spoons and they took over. I'd used up all my spoons at work.

Obviously, I'd overestimated my ability to return to full time work, but also it felt like there was an insight here. And it came down to my emotional bandwidth. If I had enough emotional energy, enough spoons, then minor triggers that normally would have lead me back down that lovely negative spiral, wouldn't actually set me off, and I could continue to function. And this was the neat part, I could continue to function without having all my walls slam down and turn everything numb. But, if I run out of that energy, if I run out of those spoons, then any little thing can set me down that self destructive spiral.

And the more I've thought about this, the more I think this is what people mean when they talk about emotional regulation. That most people have a large fount of this emotional energy to buffer against the extremes. And thus can handle day to day joys, stresses and hurtful things without completely falling apart. If this is the case then I guess I've developed some emotional regulation after all, though it's limited.

But why is it so limited? Why didn't I have any before? And the more I look at it. I see it in terms of bandwidth, energy, and/or spoons. Before, when I was having to live in survival mode, all of my emotional energy was being used to just survive. I was constantly in fight or flight. There was no energy to spare for nuance. My bandwidth was incredibly limited because so much of it was taken up with just surviving from one day to the next, with constant vigilance. But when we are no longer in those situations, and just as importantly, when we are not constantly flashing back to those situations, we start to have that bandwidth become available for the nuance. We can start feeling things in between because we have the energy to do so. It's no longer entirely about survive or die.

And that's the worst part about flashbacks. Even though I'm no longer in that constant life or death situation, those flashbacks have me believing I am. And contrary to popular media's depiction of flashbacks, most of the time it's not getting stuck in a living visual memory of an event. No, the vast majority of those flashbacks are emotional flashbacks. Getting stuck in the feelings of the event, the feelings I couldn't suppress anymore, the constant feeling of being in danger, of having my life, my very existence threatened, which brings on the constant sense of danger, of fight or flight. Which means, no emotional energy for anything else, except the extremes. Everything in my life currently can be perfectly fine, safe, wonderful even. But if I'm stuck in an emotional flashback, none of the current circumstances matter, because I'm emotionally back in survival mode, feeling constantly threatened, trying to survive, trying to decide if I need to fight or run. And if I'm stuck there... then there isn't any emotional energy left for anything else.

The really effing sucky part, is that often I don't know I'm in an emotional flashback until after it's gone away, and I can see looking back that how I was feeling didn't fit at all with what was actually happening at the time. I reacted to an outside observer in a rather extreme, or worse in a completely irrational manner. But then when I'm in the middle of it, I guess it's understandable that I have a hard time recognizing it, as all my energy is directed towards surviving, towards keeping the pain and my fears at bay.

So maybe emotional regulation is just having enough emotional energy to filter the experiences you're having into a much more nuanced pattern, rather than having to sort things into binary extremes of bad, not bad. And if that's the case, then maybe, just maybe, I am healing, because I'm starting to free up some of my bandwidth to start sorting out the nuances... even if I can't quite identify what those nuances are yet.