#I’m starting to believe I may have BPD

[cadaver-moss]

Drew these in the middle of a panic attack 2-ish weeks ago.

I thought the stark contrast between feeling watched and hating on Usher was really funny looking back on it

[akrasianwords]

a few people were interested in my aspd dazai analysis but I feel like no one is seeing the reblog of the essay so it gets its own post now! yap ahead

A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with an acquaintance about Dazai. At one point, I had offhandedly mentioned that I believe Dazai is someone who deals with ASPD. While I thought it was fairly obviously implied throughout the show, they were quick to disagree with me, offering instead the opinion of him having BPD. Now, I’m not one to start arguments over simple things like this and I could tell they were not the type of person who would enjoy a debate. So like any rational, passionate person, I decided to write a 5 page essay on it instead. In this essay I will elaborate on why I believe ASPD is a better fit diagnosis for Dazai than BPD, present evidence to support it, and talk about why I don’t think he has BPD.

Before we get into this, let’s talk about what exactly ASPD and BPD are. Disclaimer, I am not a professional, nor have I been formally diagnosed with either. So, I am not an expert. However, I do believe I’ve done enough research and have my own personal experiences with a large portion of symptoms of ASPD, as well as having several personal connections to people with BPD, to speak on this.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is a cluster B disorder characterised mostly by a frequent lack of understanding of empathy, using manipulation and/or deception to further one’s own needs or wants, and being generally apathetic towards people’s personal thoughts and feelings. People with ASPD often have a hard time discerning and comprehending morals, forming meaningful attachments with people around them, and caring about societal norms. Overall, the struggle of ASPD is mostly found with morality and empathy.

(I would like to note that just because someone may struggle with these things, it does not mean they are incapable of it. Someone with ASPD is just as able to love and be loved as the next person, they just have a more difficult time overcoming their own personal blocks in order to do so. Similarly, they may struggle with understanding morality but that does not mean they are incapable of conforming to what is widely considered right or wrong. They may have different reasons for being kind or just, such as ‘it’s too much trouble to be bad,’ ‘I like it when others tell me I’m a good person,’ or ‘it’s just what I’m supposed to do.’ This does not mean their actions are invalid, simply that they have differing motivations from the larger population.)

On the other hand, Borderline Personality Disorder, also cluster B, is most well known for intense and irregular mood swings, attachment and abandonment issues, and impulsive and self destructive behaviour. People who deal with BPD typically also struggle with mania, a warped and unstable sense of self, and intense and generally unjustified anger issues. The gist of BPD, at its core, is the inability to regulate thoughts and emotions. Someone with BPD may do a complete 180 emotionally because of something another individual may deem small or insignificant. A partner forgetting to text back could trigger emotions that have the same weight as if the partner were to break up with them. Someone who has just experienced the death of their father could suddenly the next day feel on top of the world, given the right prompting. BPD is all about the instability and insecurity regarding thoughts, feelings, or identity.

So! How does this relate to Dazai? I’m glad you asked!

Throughout the series, Dazai continuously shows signs and behavioural patterns aligning with that of someone with ASPD. He is constantly seen manipulating people and situations to get the results he desires, he’s outright stated to have no interest or understanding of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and it’s not uncommon to see him using or mistreating certain people in his life with little to no empathy or regret. The prevalence of this behaviour changes significantly with his transfer to the Armed Detective Agency, but is definitely still something that affects Dazai to this day. If he has to threaten to torture someone to get the information he wants, as seen with Kouyou after Kyouka was taken, or sacrifice one innocent person’s life to end a villain’s, as seen with Rokuzo and Miss Sasaki in his entrance exam, he has no issue doing such.

In the Dark Ages, Oda tells Dazai outright that he doesn’t care about morality. Dazai is as Dazai does, and he has no reservations doing things deemed evil to further his (or Mori’s) own goals. His list of crimes is extensive. His personal relationships are messy and toxic. He has no issue with lying, stealing, or killing. The only reason he decides to pursue the life of a good man is because someone he grew to care for, Oda, had requested it as his dying wish. It’s likely that in stating his understanding of Dazai’s views, or lack thereof, on good and evil, he proved to Dazai that he understood him. This is one of the main factors that convinced Dazai to take his wish into consideration. Knowing that Oda understood his true apathetic nature and still requested this of him convinced Dazai to give Oda’s ideologies a chance. Had Oda not asked it of Dazai, he likely would have stayed with the Port Mafia without much thought to it.

Manipulation is perhaps one of Dazai’s most well known traits. He’s famous for his schemes, his tricks, his ability to transform any person or situation into what he wants them to be. Take Akutagawa for example. Dazai is cruel to him with the interest of moulding him into something the Port Mafia (or himself, later on) can use. He has little to no regard for Akutagawa’s safety or emotions. This is something that, for the most part, follows him into his new life at the Armed Detective Agency. He says and does things to manipulate Akutagawa’s emotions to play in Dazai’s favour. He makes comments about Akutagawa being inferior to Atsushi (‘my new apprentice is superior to you in every way imaginable’), he uses Akutagawa’s admiration against him (ex. The Moby Dick, when Dazai has Atsushi throw the cellphone in order to distract Akutagawa), and he holds the promise of approval over his head in order to get Akutagawa to do things he typically wouldn’t (‘I hope to see you a little more competent now’ during the Cannibalism Arc as he’s told to work with Atsushi).

During the prison arc, Dazai is shown to play a game of chess with Fyodor. It’s obvious what the pieces on the board represent: each piece is a character. Every character plays a role in Dazai’s chess match against the Demon. He’s got his Queen, his Knights, his Bishop, etc. and he’ll manipulate them and the situation as he sees fit in order to win the match. One of the main components to his relationship with Fyodor is how similar they think. Dazai has stated on several occasions that the reason he’s able to predict Fyodor’s actions and plans is because ‘it’s what he would do.’ They share ideas, strategies, and behaviours. Both are prone to manipulation and deception in order to get what they want.

Some other noticeable examples that I’m too lazy to elaborate on but speak for themselves are the scene with the nurse and the phone, the scene where Dazai sends Atsushi to go investigate his own abuser’s death, and when Dazai manipulates Chuuya into joining the Port Mafia.

I’ve touched on deception a few times so far, but I felt it was significant enough to deserve its own paragraph. It’s not uncommon for Dazai to leave out important details, or tell outright lies in order to get what he wants. He lied to most of the members of the Agency about his past for years in order to keep his place there, assuming that they would shun them had they known. His entire personality is mostly a facade, putting up the mask of a silly detective man to avoid being taken too seriously.

He’s prone to apathy, and doesn’t really ever show any characters empathy throughout the series. When Atsushi is having a panic attack, Dazai’s instinct is to slap him back to reality rather than cater to his emotional needs. When Kunikida is upset by the results of his and Dazai’s actions in Dazai’s Entrance Exam, Dazai simply tells him that reality won’t conform to his ideals. After Chuuya is betrayed by the Sheep, Dazai uses his vulnerability to recruit him into the Port Mafia. It’s rare to see him act sympathetic with characters. This does not mean he doesn’t show kindness to them, but he clearly has difficulties empathising with people going through crises.

Along with others, he’s rather uncaring towards himself. Most of the times we’ve seen him in dangerous situations, he’s continued to act carefree and unbothered. When he was captured by the Port Mafia he had no reservations about provoking Akutagawa even though he knew it would cause himself harm. He also has consistently proven that he doesn’t care about his own life. Via attempts and jokes alike, he’s prone to suicide in a way that makes it obvious he holds very little value to himself. This doesn’t necessarily mean that he has a low sense of self, or that he’s insecure. He’s got a very solid opinion of himself. He just doesn’t care whether he’s dead or alive.

While Dazai struggles with all of these, it doesn’t mean he is incapable of doing good. His relationship with Oda was clearly genuine, and he obviously cared for him a great deal. He’s also the only reason Atsushi is alive right now, and he’s taken great care to give Atsushi a decent life. He’s a sufficient mentor for him, and he’s done a lot of good for Yokohama with the Armed Detective Agency. He’s come clean about his past to his friends, and overall has improved his way of life. Dazai has grown from the Demon Prodigy of the Port Mafia into a respectable man of justice. He still has moments where his apathetic side will shine through, but he’s clearly healed and developed quite a bit since joining the ADA.

‘Okay cool. So… what about BPD? He could share some symptoms. You haven’t talked about that since the intro paragraphs. Wasn’t this about ASPD and BPD? You suck. Loser.’

I’m getting there! Control yourself. It’s taken 14 paragraphs to get to this point. God forbid I be thorough with my analysis. SMH. Anyways.

Now that we’ve talked significantly enough about Dazai having ASPD, let’s touch on why I don’t think he has BPD. This is a headcanon I’ve seen frequently enough that I’ve formed an opinion on it. Obviously. That’s why I’m writing this essay.

The thing is, BPD relies on emotional instability and a disorganised attachment and sense of self. I don’t see any of that in Dazai. He has a fairly concrete opinion of himself and his identity. His emotional state is consistent throughout the show, excluding a few specific scenarios, and while he seems reckless and impulsive, he’s not. All of his actions are always carefully planned out, even if it doesn’t seem so.

Dazai is well known for his carefree and jokester persona. When he’s not playfully dumping his work on Atsushi or Kunikida, he’s cracking jokes and poking fun at the members of the Detective Agency. It’s not often that we see the mask slip off. When it does, though, it’s almost always when he’s reminiscing over Oda. That, or actively plotting against a formidable opponent he takes seriously. These are pretty normal situations to not be joking around in. The guy is grieving his dead best friend. Not exactly a drastic mood swing. Fairly run of the mill. Outside of this, we don’t ever see him react severely and unjustifiedly. His emotions are always carefully balanced.

(Note, I am aware of the scene with Akutagawa during the Dark Ages. Have patience. I’ll get to that eventually.)

We also don’t see him struggle with abandonment/attachment issues. He has the ‘everything worth wanting is lost the moment I obtain it’ mentality, but that doesn’t exactly prohibit him from forming bonds with the people around him. He’s fairly normal about everyone at the Armed Detective Agency. He obviously cares for Atsushi, and he doesn’t make any moves to push him or anyone else away—or become unhealthily attached, on the contrary—both of which are very common behaviours in people with BPD. He goes to their parties (I can’t exactly remember when, but I’m fairly certain he was there when Poe visited Ranpo during the ADA party, and on the yacht with the infamous ‘to the Stray Dogs’ scene), runs errands and completes chores with them (the Wan episode where he and Atsushi are cleaning lockers together), and makes a point to hang out with them outside of work (the fireworks festival we all know and love/hate).

He doesn’t struggle with his self image. It’s never implied that Dazai doesn’t know who he is or where he belongs. He doesn’t have any internal conflict about whether he’s Port Mafia or Armed Detective Agency; he’s actually quite firm on his stance. He rejects Mori’s offers and requests to return to the Mafia several times throughout the series. He’s secure in his sense of self. He has no issues admitting his strengths and flaws, and he knows who he is and what he wants.

The only time we’ve seen him become angry to the point of an extreme reaction is when Akutagawa doesn’t do as Dazai had wanted in the Dark Ages. He kills the hostages they had taken rather than prodding them for information. Dazai’s reaction, while definitely intense, was neither unprovoked nor unjustified in his point of view. Him shooting the gun at Akutagawa was both a punishment and a lesson. The pressure of a life or death situation was what provoked Akutagawa to finally grasp control over Rashomon in a way that would allow him to use Devoured Space. So while extreme, Dazai’s anger had reason to it.

I also would like to remind everyone that this scene was set during the time Dazai was in the Mafia. It’s understandable for the stakes and punishments to be intense. If a subordinate doesn’t learn a lesson quickly and efficiently, the consequences can range from a mild beating to the fall of an entire organisation. Dazai knew this as well, which is why he wasn’t going to tolerate impulsivity. Also it’s the Mafia. They’re like, known for guns and killing and shit.

Contrary to anger, mania is the state of intense highs, feeling like you’re on top of the world. People who experience mania often feel like they’re invincible, either physically or metaphorically. They may put themselves in harm’s way to prove that ‘nothing can hurt them,’ or risk all their money gambling because ‘they just can’t lose.’ They’re excitable, irrational, and impulsive. Dazai is none of these things. He puts himself in harm’s way to either attempt to destroy himself, or as a part of his plan to get things to play out the way he wants. Everything he does, while it may look impulsive, has a plan. The only thing I can think of within the series where he acts without thinking is in his entrance exam where he offers to drive the taxi for the thrill of the fact that he is actually a terrible fucking driver. If he gambles, he knows he’ll win. If he jumps, he hopes he’ll fall. His behaviour is always carefully thought out. Also he’s consistently depressed throughout the story, so. No room for that.

Now onto everyone's favourite topic, self destructive behaviour! It's pretty widely known and agreed upon that Dazai either does or has self-harmed before. Hence the bandages. He's also very loud and proud about his passion for suicide. This could count, it's definitely self destructive in the physical sense, but I don't believe it's because of BPD. I think the guy is just really fucking depressed. He just wants to die, it's not so much in an ‘I don't deserve good things or comfort’ way. I also want to touch on the more figurative methods of self destruction. He doesn't exactly go out of his way to sabotage himself in regards to his work, his relationships (he fucks with Chuuya, but he just generally enjoys riling him up), or anything like that. On the contrary, we see him actively putting effort into keeping those things stable. (Lying in order to keep his place at the ADA, being active in his social circle, working towards keeping the ADA and Yokohama in general safe.) So, not really self sabotage in a way that makes me think of BPD.

Overall, most of Dazai's struggles or traits fall under understanding empathy, morality, and manipulation. His actions throughout the series are not hard to connect to these patterns, and it doesn’t take much digging to find supporting evidence. All of his characterization leads to the conclusion of ASPD, rather than BPD. He isn't a very emotionally unregulated character, in my opinion. He’s level-headed, well managed, and secure in himself and his environment. The guy just doesn't quite know how to function as a human being with other human beings, but he's trying.

Also no you cannot change my mind. Anyways I've been writing for like 4 hours so goodbye.

[melonnabar]

REASONS WHY I HC BOOSTER GOLD WITH BPD

A RANT

First of all, I’ve been diagnosed with BPD so most of this is from my own experiences w BPD and projection,,

So starting off with this:

Booster Gold’s imposter syndrome without the success part!

He quite literally travelled back in time to become a superhero so he could escape the shithole of his old life + make everyone like him.

Or that he’s kind of struggled his entire life of wanting to be good enough but missing the mark so, so so many times and yet he keeps putting up superficial fronts around people he wants to seek approval from?

Also whenever I see him argue with Ted (especially in Superbuddies(??) I can’t help but feel like some of his outbursts feel reminiscent of my own splitting episodes?

Thinking about how in that comic Booster is extremely frustrated w Ted for maturing in my brain it’s because he feels like he’s being left behind,, and him saying the most underhanded shit and getting extremely offended when Ted says something equally as shitty back

Oh and also that Ted is quite literally his favorite person.

Booster dedicates a lot of time and effort to spending time with Ted or going through drastic measures to do shit for him like this

Also I rly like this panel because it’s very clear the way he views himself when he masquerades as nova for a while

These next few images are taken from my own personal listings I used to show my therapist! Yellow check mark is what I feel fits booster the most and the blue ones is just me lmao

Booster mirroring other people/beliefs/personality traits that he believes will get him the most acceptance and the constant need that he has to prove himself to people even though he doesn’t have to at all,,

And Booster being an extremely spontaneous and impulsive person!! Hence some of the utterly garbage shenanigans he somehow brainstorms up that ends up putting him and Ted in jail or has him nearly erasing himself from existence lmao

I feel like it’s important to mention his nightmares as well, like this one.

And his father being extremely abusive and abandoning Booster’s family as well. Childhood abuse/neglect is a big BIG factor in why BPD functions the way it does because distress tolerance is basically nonexistent and the responses to stress don’t really develop.

Ok that’s enough rambling for now

I would talk more about it but I’m tired and not rly in the mood to write a full fledged essay on this but remember that BPD is a spectrum and most of this is based off of my own experience w it (I left out a lot of information bc some of it is extremely personal) n that everyone may experience it differently

[xbeezchaos]

BPD Howl Pendragon!

I knoooooowwww. I’ve literally been dead for months and apologies for this being something unrelated to the BPD Scara series I’ve been getting at but I’m currently fixated on Howl so I’ll be using him as my projector. I also highly believe this man has BPD and nobody can convince me otherwise

Btw. I don’t condone romanization of mental issues. I’m simply ✨projecting healthily✨

Jealousy flare ups and depressive episodes; what that looks like for Howl

He’s unsure why, but he has been struggling with jealousy in a much higher factor than what he’s typically used to. It may be due to your presence

Ever since you two have gained the new title of dating and made it public, he’s felt a sense of possessiveness over you in a way that felt consuming

He needed you in bed to sleep soundly at night, and if you weren’t there he’d have not a wink of sleep while he held one of your clothing items close, taking in your scent and crying to himself about why you weren’t here

He gets suspicious and jealous when you spend lots of time away from him and with other friends. He trusts you but he’s scared someone will take you away.

You try telling him these things you plan out, but sometimes he won’t listen after he’s become too worked up over the idea of you being away for so long

He spends hours in bed without water or food. No motivation to get up until he gets a message from you encouraging him

Sometimes you have to baby the tall man, wash his hair and brush it for him.

Getting him to eat is the worst, he blames his medication cause the side effects impact his appetite frequently but the benefits are “too good” to give it up for just that

When he does eat, he’s got a sweet tooth like no man’s business, you’d think he’d gone mad with the amount of sugary treats he’d consume. But at least he was eating now so you didn’t complain too much

If he’s not sleeping all day, he’s awake for days on end, unable to sleep and refuses to take his sleep aid pills because “they don’t work.”

He’s secretly really petty towards those around the two of you but tries his best to keep most of it to himself. Even if you know. He won’t tell you.

The sleep aid pills knock him flat on his ass and he hates it. Waking up to your giggles of how he fell asleep in your arms like a snoring baby would make his face flush in embarrassment

He dislikes a lot of people talking to him when he’s upset. He’ll start snapping and going silent. P

Sometimes despite how hard it is to get out of bed, when he does, he’ll try to do small things like clean, eat, and make you little gifts

He made you a phone charm and matching rings to wear, he’d spent all night on it, since he was in bed all day.

It’s hard when he’s having an episode due to his jealousy, if you or someone else doesn’t get to him in time he’ll start calling upon the shadows and it takes quite a while to get him to even process that anyone else besides him is within the vicinity, let alone fully calm down.

He gets very clingy when he’s depressed, he’ll carry around items of yours and calls them “support items”

He looks like a tall child with a blanket as he walks around the house doing his daily business. It’s the best you’ve seen him do in the last few weeks so you try to keep him with his support items often

“Coffee is not a meal, have you eaten anything today?”

“A cheese stick..” you hit him over the head with a rolled up newspaper after that and dragged him to go make food.

He’d done this for over a week now and despite the small efforts, a drink wasn’t enough for him to get through the day.

Extra sassy in his conversations with calcifer

Takes the longest showers ever and he’s always steaming like a boiled potato when he gets out

Becomes a tablet child to compete simple tasks

Irritable as hell when he’s around people he’s not fully comfortable with, like your friends he’s only met twice

He’d eventually try going off on his own and have a good time that way, then eventually end up having an anxiety attack when he starts getting into his own head again

It’s not that he’s not social, but when he feels ignored he gets quite irritable and especially quiet. Which is odd for him because he loves chatting with new people

[stunning-eclipse]

A rant on Emperor Nefarious’ signs of BPD

So, you’ve heard me rambling about this for a while, and I’ve been super ecstatic to begin talking about this. 

Let me preface this by saying... I also happen to have BPD. If you don’t already know, BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder, and it impacts every faucet of reality in your life. The way you see yourself, others, the world as a whole. Hopefully not only will this make more people understand BPD, but also help others understand why the Emperor is such a special character to me.

SO! Let’s get on with it. Let’s start with the most obvious thing about him and go on from there...

PART ONE: HIS NEED FOR AFFECTION AND OBSESSION WITH HIS IMAGE.

In the entirety of Rift Apart, there is one thing that the Emperor will NOT let you forget... and it’s that he is flawless and deserves to be loved. Now, while yes, part of this can be attributed to narcissism (which I will touch upon later in this little essay), part of it can also lead back to the fact... one of the key things that causes BPD is a childhood lack of affection. It can lead us to crave affection much more than any regular member of society, and due to that, we may do odd things to gain said affection. One of the more common methods is dubbed “love bombing”, where, in order to receive affection, we will show affection first. In more toxic faucets, we will love bomb those we don’t even relatively like or care about, we just need the affection. That leads me back to the Emperor... “Do not fear that sensation of cold scrutiny washing over your body. It is only our Emperor’s unyielding love for you.”

There are several instances of the Emperor love bombing his citizens, albeit very falsely. His personal assistant’s promises of how much he loves them all, how he spoils them with parties and music all in his image. After all, if he shows them love... he deserves it in return, yes? And if his love fails to be returned, it’s been shown he does not take that lightly. 

When love bombing fails for someone with BPD and we do not receive what we deem “adequate” affection back, we can sometimes get rather irrational. We’ll either start to believe we aren’t loved back, or perhaps you hate us? Our thoughts can spiral easily into the worst, leading us to shut people out or even cut people out entirely over things like this... and here is the Emperor, cutting people out of the equation the moment they don’t show affection back. 

If he was merely narcissistic, he would not show that “love” back.

“I REFUSE to be a footnote in history. I-- I AM history!”

Another point is his undying need to keep his image intact. And no, I’m not meaning his physical image. I mean his status. He can’t bear lose importance, and he will stop at nothing to stay special to everyone.

“They all love me... YOU all LOVE me! I am the destined Emperor of this dimension-- of EVERY dimension!”

He needs that love and importance. Without it, one can only imagine how insignificant he must feel. That’s another factor of BPD that a lot of us struggle with... the fact that, if something ever happens or goes wrong, perhaps we make one small mistake. Or one bad thing is said about us from someone who happens to dislike us... immediately, we begin to panic. It’s the end for us, we’ll lose everything. Our entire image is fouled, soiled, ruined. So in a desperate panic, we do all we can to regain that status, that image, we “lost”, even if no one sees us differently... 

Once we become important to others, we can’t stand the possibility of losing said importance. If someone becomes more important to someone we’re closed to, we can view that person as an enemy of ours, a rival of sorts. We get over it eventually of course, but our judgement can become clouded for a while, especially around the ones that “ruined our image”.

PART TWO: HIS MOOD SWINGS. DEAR GOD HIS MOOD SWINGS. OH, AND PERSONALITY SHIFTS.

“That’s it...? Where’s the joy, the bliss...? The murderous enlightenment? Why don’t I feel any different?”

Now this is something that certainly doesn’t need much explaining, now does it? The Emperor certainly has some mood swings if I’ve ever seen them. And boy, is it just as bad with BPD. Say one wrong thing, and we will go from happy and chipper to dreading every second with you. Sometimes, you don’t even have to say something. Anything can throw us down into a spiral... and anything can also throw us into a chipper, upbeat mood.  “What could you possibly know about success, you-... That’s it! I haven’t really won yet! There is still so many other dimensions waiting to be conquered!”

Our own thoughts can shift our mood significantly. There need not be a trigger to any of our moods, merely a simple thought can swing our emotions entirely. Must I really go in depth any further? 

“Ahh... Oh NO! The thankless, uninspiring dimensions are collapsing?! Oh, how COULD I?!”

I’ll go ahead and throw in the goal shifts in here as well. The mere fact that, during a clear meltdown his entire goal shifted from ruling all dimensions to destroying all dimensions is yet another small sign but really its more attributed to the whole personality shift issue for me. But I do understand that he could’ve also been having a slight personality shift issue as well, as his entire persona was thrown out the window during that latter half of the fight.

PART THREE: HIS “FAVORITE PERSON”, DOCTOR NEFARIOUS (HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.)

“Sargasso needs to Sargass-GO.”

“AAHAHAHAHA- ahem... aahhahhaha...!”

Now, I’m not going to act like the two had a good relationship. They certainly did not. But a good relationship is not what defines a favorite person. A favorite person is more so the one you are obsessed with, the one you can’t stand being away from you, the one you both trust the most... and trust the least. You’ll love them, then question if you want them around. They’ll see your best, and they’ll see your worst... they’ll be there for you during your bad moments and be there during your best... And that’s what the Doctor was for the Emperor.

The mere fact that he kept the Doctor around for as long as he did, and right beside him? How he genuinely lost it at one of his jokes, at how he actually opened up about his obvious depression he was feeling despite having “eliminated his allies”? There’s so much evidence at Doctor being genuinely important to him, despite clearly also hating his guts. He’s obsessed with having him around and doesn’t want him away, or else he would have either killed him or shoved him away to do his dirty work just as he does with his personal assisstant. 

“Rivet? You... are no longer in exile?! What has gotten INTO you lately?! Ha! I was so used to you being dull!”

The only other person he’s shown a genuine obsession for is funnily enough... Rivet. He made armor for her, clearly in hopes of her joining his side someday. Also, the fact he genuinely seems to know her better than any of the other rebels is interesting as well. Clearly they are rivals, but I do believe he genuinely wants her on his side. Either for the fact she has obvious potential, or perhaps he wanted a genuine friendship of sorts, though I... highly doubt that. Most likely, she was just seen as an asset, a valuable potential one at that.

And...

Last but CERTAINLY not least...

PART FOUR: NARCISSISM.

“And boy I’m so freakin’ hot!”

“You’re scalding...”

Believe it or not, narcissism is not a trait only found in NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but it is also most certainly found in BPD as well. Although less common, some of us certainly struggle with it. While I struggled with it much more when I was younger and didn’t quite have a grip on my disorder yet, it’s definitely an issue that I struggle with on some occasions. This is one of the odd portions of the disorder that, if had, can make diagnosing whether someone has NPD or BPD harder. 

I don’t necessarily think I need to explain the Emperor’s narcissism. He loves himself. A LOT. Perhaps (definitely) too much. Statues of him across the city, his music playing everywhere, a club named after him, etc etc. The man has an ego the size of his own city, and yet it crumbles just as easily as his mental state seems to. What differentiates his narcissism from NPD and BPD is all the other signs of BPD. People with NPD fail to show affection and, while the Emperor certainly doesn’t show it adequately, he certainly love bombs like one would with BPD. Also, the clear favoritism with Doctor and Rivet, as well as his need for affection... That’s the other big one. People with NPD are less obsessed with needing affection, yet the Emperor cannot handle a mere few moments without being praised by his people. 

PART FIVE: WRAPPING THIS ESSAY UP.

Basically, what the goal was in this was to show that the Emperor is a much more three-dimensional (haha... get it-) character than some may have been led to believe. He’s a character I related with a lot due to my own struggles, so I immediately felt connected with him. Oh, and I’m sure I missed a point or two, so if I forgot something I’ll either add it later, or feel free to ask me to address other things you may have questions about!!! I love explaining more about the disorders I struggle with, especially since people with BPD are largely misunderstood sadly enough. While we may handle a lot of toxic traits, we do typically get a strong grip on them. The Emperor just hasn’t-

I will also admit that I am basing these off of my own experiences with BPD, and each experience is different. While some with BPD don’t struggle with narcissism at all, some do. While some might not struggle with needing affection, some do. All people with disorders have varying experiences, and that is an important distinction. In the end, all I really have to say is if you struggle with any of these issues, definitely reach out to someone you trust or a therapist and they will help you as much as they can <3 it’s hard having BPD, but a happy life is achievable. It may not be easy, but with enough dedication and determination, it’s possible.

[mygenderisstillblurry]

Dug up my "reasons I'm not trans" document from 2019 again, which was largely a self-hatred/vent type of thing, but I'm looking at it and just. If I felt and believed this way at that time, why the hell did I ever transition?? I definitely did not find answers to all these questions and assuage all these doubts. So why? I was over here writing stuff like

-I’m afraid of transitioning medically and getting dysphoria from it because I don’t actually have much dysphoria right now

-I don’t want facial hair

-I don’t want chest hair

-I don't know if I actually have gender dysphoria or if I'm just fat and ugly and want to be a hot woman, not a man

-I have BPD therefore have an unstable sense of identity therefore may be just latching onto the idea of being trans just to be somebody who identifies as something whether it's true to me or not

-I can get by okay living as a woman, I don't feel like I need to make the change or die

-"I want to look like a man. But without going on T because I'm afraid[...] and without top surgery because I'm afraid[...]. I want the looking like a man to just happen."

And I just. Why did I do this to myself?? I want to say that maybe if a therapist had asked me about these things, we could've talked about it more in depth, instead of me just saying "I'm trans" and my therapists going "okay". I want to say if I had been required to see a therapist at the gender clinic before being prescribed hormones, these doubts would've been brought up and maybe I wouldn't have started T (because guess what? I still don't want chest hair or facial hair!). But no, this is entirely my fault. I knew I had these thoughts, I recorded these thoughts, but I just decided to steamroll ahead with my new gender identity anyway. I could tell!! There was clearly a part of me that knew it was the wrong decision, that there could be and likely was some other factor(s) contributing to my feelings besides gender dysphoria! And I just. Fucking ignored it. I was 23. I should have known better. I failed myself.

[padfoot0216]

Okay but hear me out (I say this as if I’m about to say something completely normal, but I’m not. None of this is normal) TK and Carlos would both use Tik Tok. They would make POV videos except they are just real things that have happened to them. No one can tell if they are joking.

TK and Carlos’s Tik Tok adventures

- Carlos would start it. Something like “POV Your boyfriend almost set your kitchen on fire (he used to be a firefighter)” And it would show TK in the back trying to put out a very on fire pan.

- TK would retaliate by creating his own Tik Tok. “POV Your boyfriend fell down the stairs, and now you have to provide first aid” Showing Carlos sitting with and ice pack in his head and TK holding a first aid kid.

- They just become more unhinged after that. Everyone in the 126 follows them and so does the 118.

- POV Your boyfriend is in a coma after getting shot by a 10 year old ( TK in a hospital bed)

- POV your boyfriend is apparently just “your colleague” seriously TK

- POV your boyfriend brought a flesh eating lizard into your house and now your scared for your life (He says he wasn’t flesh eating but they found him inside a wound. So excuse me if I don’t believe him)

- The 126 each have their favorite videos

- Owen enjoys watching what his son gets up to but is also kind of concerned for his well being after seeing some of the videos

- POV your a former drug addict and your boyfriend brings drugs into the apartment (a bottle of Tylenol sits on the counter”. This is one one of the videos that concerns Owen.

- POV your boyfriend is crying because the lights were to loud (he swears he’s neurotypical)” Owen is once again concerned about his son

- Marjan enjoys the chaos of the videos.

- POV your dad and your boyfriends dad teamed up to stop an arsonist. They did catch him but now you don’t have a house (so many hoodie are gone) *pile of rubble in the background*

- POV your boyfriend won’t stop crying about his hoodies so now your spending your life savings at 3am to buy new ones

- Mateo is mostly confused and the more he watches the more confused he is

- POV your the bpd (note: try and tell me TK doesn’t have borderline personality disorder) boyfriend and your having a breakdown in the kitchen

- POV All you want to do is sleep but your boyfriend keeps talking about a couch

- Judd is genuinely concerned about both of their well beings

- POV your boyfriend just got kidnapped by a homocidal maniac but refuses to get therapy *carlos is crying in the background

- POV your boyfriend just went into a three day coma and now refuses to go to sleep (yes tk sleep is needed for human survival)

- Paul is entertained by it all

- POV your boyfriend is out with Cooper, whats so great about Cooper, I’m a cop Cooper

- POV A fight breaks out between the police and firefighters softball teams and your boyfriend won’t let you fight and steps in to fight for you (he tells them he’s a cop, it doesn’t work because they are also cops and have desks right next to them. He was invited to one of there childrens graduations. He apologizes to Brian his name was Grant)

- Nancy kind of wishes she never started following them

- POV you wake your boyfriend up at 2 am to tell him you want to write your will (he asks if the lizard is back, not sure why that’s the first thing that came to mind but ok)

- POV you were held captive by a lady who apparently loves the gays (she may want me dead but at least she’s not homophobic)

- Tommy just wants an explanation to it all

- POV Your boyfriend just became a paramedic and was kidnapped by a group of criminals (his dumbass tried to play hero and got knocked out)

- POV your boyfriend blames himself for the death of a criminal (it wasn’t his fault) and is now spending all of his time trying to solve the case (Grace is enabling him.) (I have the first aid kid on stand by)

- The 118 had there own questions and concerns, but the main one being how they know so much about their lives they just met them.

- POV Your boyfriend won’t stop talking about buddie and the couch theory. (Send help)

- POV Your boyfriend is crying because you wouldn’t stop talking about how we aren’t the main show (it’s because we’re in Texas)

Welp that’s it. I’m normal. I swear

[borderlinereminders]

hi! first of all, i just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your blog a lot, it has helped me during my journey toward finding a better way to cope with my insecurities (i don’t have bpd, but i do suffer from abandonment/emotional neglect issues, which lead me to have some of the same symptoms of bpd, not as extreme but they did cause me to behave in dysfunctional ways and i lost many friends for this), so thank you really ❤️

i absolutely don’t mean to be invasive so feel free not to answer, but i read your post about that friendship you let go of (you did the right thing) and got reminded of my last friendship which ended exactly because the other person was drained (you know the drill) from my behaviours.

now, i did work on changing those behaviours, i went to therapy, and worked on being a healthier version of me, because i don’t absolutely think being mentally ill justifies toxic behaviours (unless it’s extreme situations and the person involved isn’t lucid or able to be), so i wanted to ask: if you were my friend, do you think you would have given me a chance at some point, knowing i was working towards being better? especially if you did notice the change?

i know i have to let her go and be better for myself first and foremost, and for the future people in my life, but i’m really struggling and idk, maybe i’m looking for a pinch of hope somewhere, she really meant a lot to me and i would like to have a fresh start if she’ll agree.

again, you don’t have to reply!

Hi anon,

In the case of the friend I let go of, I would have been a part of her life if she’d tried to change and especially if I saw evidence of that change. I did care about her and I still do. That hasn’t changed just because I needed to step away for my own mental health.

But if she’d also been willing to try and change, I would have been as supportive as I could without putting my own well being at risk.

If she’d been trying to change but wasn’t succeeding, I may have had to step away still but I’d still have tried harder and given her more time.

Now this is just me though. I’m a person who really believes people can change and do better when they want to. I was someone who was extremely toxic once and I think I’ve come so far and it’s made me believe in others too.

If she’s asked you not to contact her, that’s a boundary you shouldn’t cross. And if she hasn’t put forth that boundary, I wouldn’t contact her with a message about wanting to be friends again. I’d message with a genuine apology for the behaviour.

I reached out and gave genuine apologies to two people when I began to get better. They both accepted my apology, told me they forgave me, but still didn’t want to be in my life. It hurt but that was their choice. And I still got some closure.

Someone else I genuinely apologized to, we’re rebuilding a relationship right now. We aren’t as close as we used to be but the love is there and we have fun when we see each other.

So, my point is there’s a lot of possible outcomes and that I don’t think you should go into this with an intention for rekindling a friendship but with an intention of taking accountability. You’re valid to miss them as a friend and hope that can happen. Feelings are complex. I get that. And it seems like you get that with your last paragraph. I’m sorry if it feels I’m being preachy about something you already know. I’m just worried about giving a false hope because of how things worked out for me and how willing I am to give people chances.

[agirlunfilteredsblog]

MY LIFE WITH BPD

(MAJOR TW: TALKS ON BPD, SH AND S**CIDE)

Hi girls! Today we are going to get a little more personal and talk about mental health. I’ve always found it crucially important to raise awareness on it, no matter how big or small my platform is. Two years ago, I was sent to the emergency room after suffering a severe depressive episode and through a grueling challenge and error process, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder six months later. Now I know what I’m going to talk about isn’t necessarily EVERYONE’S experience with this disorder, but I still think my story will resonate with some, and talking about it may help.

It was when I was about 8 years old that red flags started presenting themselves. I went through something traumatic within my family and after that incident, I wasn’t the same individual. Because I was just a child, I would mask it. My parents always described me as a happy and light child, though on the inside it was the total opposite. In reality, I would see busses and cars and wish I could jump in front of them. But I was too scared back then. Instead, I would turn to self-harm. By the time I turned 15, it had become a full blown addiction. I couldn’t stop hurting myself, almost like it had become part of my routine. It was systematic in my brain, a lullaby that would not stop.

It was around this time my mother noticed something was wrong. She begged my father to put me in therapy, but it wasn’t something he believed in, so he refused. I don’t hold any resentment towards his choice; he might have simply refused to accept that I was mentally ill. After what seemed years of suffering, I gathered the “courage” to go through with my attempt. I will not go into details about it, as I know how triggering it may be. However, it is important to note that the moment I felt like I was dying was the moment I had a huge chunk of regret for what I had done.

As I woke up from my attempt, the first thing I felt was shame. The look on my mother’s face was enough for me to feel guilty for life. It was also the day I realized I NEEDED to help myself. My mother also divorced my father around that time and gained full custody of me and my sister. I started intensive therapy, and it truly saved my life. Therapy was amazing for me, I was lucky to have a psychologist who truly cared and with her, I surmounted years of trauma and even subconscious trauma I didn’t even know existed. I finally felt a sense of light and peace. Once I started feeling better, I foolishly believed that I did not need therapy and I signed out of the program. At first it was all okay, but soon, symptoms started to present themselves. I would get angry at little things often, I would lock myself in a room, I cut off a majority of my friends out of paranoia and I started lacking basic empathy for people I cared about (I still had empathy, don’t get me wrong, I just didn’t care about hurting people’s feelings if need see fit).

When I had refused to leave my room for 2 weeks and wouldn’t show up to class, my mom got extremely worried and attempted to take me outside for some air. She knew immediately something was wrong, I was laying down sobbing relentlessly and no matter what she did, I truly could not stop. She saw the fresh wounds on my legs as well. Out of fear that something might happen to me, she rushed me to the hospital.

From there on, I promise, my life got better, and for real this time. After I was diagnosed, I started learning how to manage it with a combination of therapy and anger management classes. I grew back, not into the person I initially was, but a new person. Some days are better than others, but I am grateful now for every blessing I have. I celebrated one full year of sobriety from self-harm a while ago as well! I have a great circle of friends who keep me grounded and make me feel valued above all else. The constant ringing of thoughts of death has ceased and I truly live a life filled with gratitude. Life may not be the same after an attempt, that is true, but I’m grateful I get to live a life. So many people do not get that opportunity. I know it is hard to reach out when you need help; but trust me, it’s worth it in the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it may seem.

so much love,

a girl unfiltered 💋

[not-a-cheese-thief]

The new trailer for Ted Lasso season 3 and all the speculation that goes with it about who may or may not end up coming out (or just being queer) has me going kind of crazy. I’ve been on this hell-site for so many years on and off, I’ve seen all the queer baiting, all the desperate hoping and tricking yourself into the belief that this little thing might be a sign. I hyper-fixate on shows, especially on the queer-coded characters, and I long for good queer representation. I’ve been through all of this longing and hoping before, and I’m just getting so sick of it.

Whenever I talk to a het person about Ted Lasso and its lack of any queer characters, they either say “there’s not any yet, there’s another season still to come,” or “one of them might be gay, you don’t know.” Neither of these things are good enough. Neither sentiment makes me think “Yeah, that’ll probably be good enough.” For one thing, we’re two seasons in. If you’re two seasons into a show that is clearly conscious of some forms of diversity, but can’t manage to acknowledge the existence of queerness beyond a slur that was used in the first two minutes, and the occasional joke (usually used to make a female character seem more sexy/intriguing), then can there really be much hope for real, honest queer representation and storytelling in the third and final season?

Will they really get round to the very important question of how homophobia fits into the the toxic masculinity locker room culture that Ted first walked into, and how that affected and continues to affect the mental health of those within it? Will they really tell this (or any) story from the point of view of a queer person, and with the care and nuance it deserves? They’ve had poc characters from the start, but even their storytelling of these characters has been controversial and from many people’s perspectives, problematic. 

I know the history of queer television, I know why queer coding became a powerful way of telling only the people in the know “hey, I see you”. But we’ve moved beyond that, and in a TV show like Ted Lasso, where it so clearly aims to  tell a diverse range of stories, from an accepting and curious point of view, the lack of actual, truely represented, honest queerness is jarring. I’m sick of being presented with crumbs, with jokes that anyone who’s not queer wouldn’t even notice, and being treated like it’s a gift.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Ted Lasso, I love all my Richmond himbos and my darling Keeley. I’ll watch season 3 and I’ll obsess. I’ll keep all my little headcanons. But I just can’t stand all this trying to trick myself into believing we’ll actually get a queer storyline, especially not for a main character. I’ve been there before and it hurts. We deserve better. So I’m including a little list, for the darlings who have actually read this whole post, of my current fav shows with actual queer characters and stories, so that while we deal with all this Ted Lasso anxiety, we can also have some comfort LGBTQIA+ tv too. Please add your favourites too.

Brassic:

I have to put this first even though it’s not necessarily the gayest, because I think anyone and everyone who watches Ted Lasso should watch Brassic. Joe Gilgun co-created the show and stars as the main character Vinnie, and while his diagnosis has changed since the show’s beginning (he’s now discovered he has bpd, not bipolar) the show’s depiction of Vinnie as man living with bipolar disorder is phenomenal. As is the way it introduces and tells the stories of its queer characters; most notably Ash, a gay man from a traditional Irish traveller family, who has my heart (but actually there are very few main characters who I'm convinced are really, totally straight). 

There's a moment in the show when Vinnie encounters some ‘casual’ homophobia, and even though he’s not with anyone queer, even though he doesn’t know the person who said it, and he’s got shit he really has to get on with, he has to call it out. It’s a little moment, in a show with a lot more very gay scenes and storylines, but it’s the kind of thing that just feels so important. Brassic is chaotic and crude and probably too much for a lot of people, but it’s loving too. 

9-1-1: Lone Star:

This one might not be the same high quality television as the others; it’s a first responder drama that tends towards the soapy, but god, I love it. I love the way they write their queer characters, I love the way they write the friendships between them, and the ways that most of the characters are some kind of minority and use their shared experiences of being marginalised and discriminated against to support and be there for each other. 

It's also worth noting that Brian Michael Smith, who plays Paul, a trans man, is the first black trans man to be a series regular on American tv, and that queer actors Ronen Rubinstein and Rafael Silva, who play lovers on the show, were recently on the cover of Out magazine, and are both activists in the queer community. 

Sense8:

It’s so wonderfully, beautifully queer. It’s a scifi, made by the Wachowski sisters, that’s a kind of love letter to the LGBT+ community. I don't think any of the main characters are meant to be straight, it’s all so very, very queer. Please do watch it, just, not with your mum you know.

Our Flag Means Death:

Gay pirates. Non-binary pirates. New Zealand accents on characters that are definitely not meant to be from New Zealand. What more could you want?

Vico Ortiz, who is non-binary, apparently cried when they read the script because the writers (three of whom are also non-binary) had taken such care to create space for the non-binary character, Jim. You can honestly feel that care when watching the show.

The Last of Us:

I’m sorry. I’m not a gamer and don’t know anything about the game, but every time I yell at my gamer friend who made me watch the show for making me watch it, they just laugh knowingly and say it's only getting worse. So I’m sorry, but yeah, you should still watch it. 

[bpdetrimental]

My diagnosis is a bit of a mess but I’ve always related to every single bpd post and scientific journal about bpd. I mentioned it to my therapist and psychiatrist. My psychiatrist is new and can’t give me a diagnosis but agrees that I may either have a mood or personality disorder (but with my ptsd, it’s hard to tell yet) My therapist disagreed with me about bpd and said that her bpd patients are “going through hell. I have bpd patients who steal from family or have started fires” and said that she didn’t think I was impulsive enough for bpd, but my psychiatrist said my impulsivity aligns. Anyway, even if I’m not borderline I’m genuinely upset at my therapist’s reaction, it felt like 1) she didn’t think I was suffering enough and 2) she was demonizing her patients. But I don’t want to speak for the bpd community if I don’t have a complete diagnosis. Anyway I keep dropping therapists cause they do or say something that pisses me off and I can’t last longer than 2 months with one. Any advice? Thanks 🙏🏻

I can completely understand the dropping of therapists. The thing that pisses me off the list is to find one that is more focused on money and not on the concerns their patients bring to them. To be a therapist is to be there to help the patient, and to completely blow them off is just something that sets me off.

If you have done your research as well as the fact that your psychiatrist says you may have a mood personality disorder, then I’d keep trying until finding a therapist that will actually try to help you. The sad truth of therapy for bpd is that many therapists even refuse to work with someone who is diagnosed, due to stigma and lack of research.

Not only that, but there are subtypes of bpd. These types include discouraged, petulant, impulsive, and self destructive. So, your previous therapist may be wrong. Personally, I wouldn’t work with someone who has demonized their own patients simply to set an example.

Anyways, I’d say just keep searching. You know your own mind best, and if you believe you may have bpd do not be discouraged. I see you have done research yourself, and that is a great start. Keep looking for the right help, and hopefully you’ll find what you require. If you do end up with a diagnosis, I’d recommend looking DBT therapy.

If you have any other questions, feel free to reach out! I’m always here to help. And best of luck finding the help you deserve <3

[griancraft]

I’ve talked on here about BPD improving with time and care, mine did! However, I think I need to make a post saying the symptoms can and will come back if you are back in the situation that caused them. Maybe even for seemingly random reasons. During recovery I’ve found sometimes I’m on a hairpin trigger into falling into bad habits. This is my experience, I’m not claiming it’s universal.

I was handling them relatively well and not experiencing a fair bit of my symptoms for months. The key difference was that I was away from my parents. I made leaps and bounds and was able to stop myself from spiraling and had relatively okay coping mechanisms. I still did slip up, but I was quick to remedy it and apologize.

Two weeks before I moved back in with my parents I started to go downhill and now my symptoms are almost at full force. I know how to handle them better, but it’s back. Unfortunately, to cope, I have turned to food, weed, and alcohol. This has put me in a bad place that will take a lot of work to get out of. But I will, no matter how long it takes and how bad it may feel in the moment.

I want to let you know if you have BPD and you are in the process of healing, that you’re not alone if you start experiencing symptoms again. You’re not alone ever. Recovery is possible. I believe in you. Love yourself through this and it will be okay.

[pastara-cell]

DAY 13 💪💪💪

Jomies headcanons! (Maria included, 10 head canons for each of em! I’ll try not to do repeats of past head-canons I’ve shared)

——————-

Lets start off with good ol jakey boy!

-Jake definitely has imposter syndrome, 100%

-His pink tips are natural!! Like how people’s hair colour may fade when they get older, his pink tips are actually just the last bit of pink hair thats faded out as he’s gotten older. He had a full head of pink hair in his baby photos!

-I have adhd and I’m officially diagnosing him with it, mhm, yup. Its canon now/silly

-shakes his leg under his desk to stim

-really likes mac n cheese. Like, REALLY likes mac n cheese. Would eat it every day if his mum didn’t force him to have variety in his diet

-He has Eczema, As well as being super reactive to rashes. Avoid poison oak at all costs

-Is a big dog person, but used to own two canaries when he was younger named Jimmy and Lizzie (/ref)

-His favourite colour is Yellow!!

-freezes up when overstimulated

-He does makeup occasionally, golden shimmer eyeliner i’m looking at you

Next is Liam!!!

-he’s a scene kid at heart

-Based on @lettuce-theory ‘s first theory, I’m a whole-hearted believer that Liam did NOT, amd will not forgive Jake after the drake fight.

-Liam and Stacy are great friends on Instagram (gachagram, was it?) and stacy constantly dms him to stop liking her mums pictures. He does it purely to piss her off and plays along with the bit, even with the jomies, so well that he’s convinced everyone except for stacy that he’s actually got a thing for her mum

-His yee yee haircut is quite beautiful, he just never fucking styles it so his bangs part farther apart than drew and jake after episode 10.

-guys. He doesn’t have brown hair…He’s just a really dark red head.

-The most chill guy ever, you could tell him you murdered someone and he’d just be like “…So…You need me to help you hide the body? Orr….”

-Has an older sister, Doesn’t really remember her. She ran away when Liam was 4. He doesn’t really feel anything towards her, but he looks a lot like her. He thought for a while, after he learned about it, that he was his parent’s replacement for his sister, so his parents often reassure him that they love home for being him, and that he’ll always be their liam. Unless he deadnames 👍

-As you can probably tell by the last headcanon, his parents are wonderful people trying their best to keep liam happy and stay stable. They’re middle class, both teach at the local community college, and have a small, nice house. They’re supportive of everything he likes and does. They do miss their daughter, but they’ve put it behind them and do their hardest to focus on liam

-I suppose the last two are more or so just random character story bits I made up, not headcanons, so actual headcanon: He has a calcium deficiency 100%

-he rollerdisco-skates guys you can trust me im his yee yee ass haircut

Then Drew Ofc

-He’s left handed! (pretty sure this is canon because Dosh said so and everything that dosh says is canon, but take that with a grain of salt cause I may be wrong)

-he stops henry, liam, and jake very often to fix their shirt collars or pull down their sleeves. Just a pet peeve of his

-Drew goes to country clubs, He tried bringing henry and liam, but they got kicked out for running next to the pool and knocking a lady in. Jake, on the other hand, is beloved by all the elderly women, who sit around and listen to him talk about whatever. Drew has to drag him away

-small waist, (Put this in my drafts and came back and rosypenguin’s thing came up, Good to know other people agree LOL) but is incredibly insecure about it, cause yknow, slight internalised misogyny.

-Not gonna diagnose him with anything, Especially BPF since I don’t know how to properly portray it accurately to peoples with BPD’s experiences, however, I think he shows a lot of signs of BPD from my research

-has definitely had/is having sal thoughts. In the past, they were more intrusive, but after the drakeup and with what happened with zoey, I think he’s really hanging onto Drew and Henry at the moment.

-He has indeed taken a drink or two out of his parents alcohol cabinet while henry and liam and jake were over. Drew’s clingy when he’s tipsy, but he has terrible full-body migraines during hangover, so he hasn’t done it in a while

-had a bayblade collection when he was younger. Keeps it in his closet now, but he’s super fucking proud of it

-Completely immune to poison ivy, poison oak, And poison sumac.

-Used to be apart of a boyscouts troop, left after he figured out he wasn’t allergic to poison oak by accidentally eating it

Henry my BOYYYY

-Rewatches the entire original Pokémon series atleast 3 times a month

-His teeth were so crooked as a child that he couldn’t talk. He had headgear (Braces that go all around your head) on up until 7th grade, he started in 3rd grade.

-Bruises super easily on ththe slightest taps. Has had to explain to cps multiple times that his parents are not mistreating him

-wanted to learn how to skateboard, could indeed not skateboard

-listens to the living tombstone, Ghost and pals, and Jack stauber

-Had a raging fnaf phase when he was an early teenager

-Adhd as well, Very visibly shakes and gets overwhelmed

-can quite literally read liams mind, same with liam reading his, they finish eachothers thoughts.

-His love for lettuce is genuine, because he grows his own lettuce in his backyard. Lots of lettuce.

-His eyes are actually NOT light green, they’re continuously shifting through every visible colour on the spectrum

Lia!!

-like jake, MASSIVE imposter syndrome.

-Regrets leaving hailey, too deep in to go back.

-she’s got a lovely tenor singing voice, But doesn’t sing. She’s not interested in it

-Can do card tricks

-Half of her skirts are stolen from Zoey, which zoey doesn’t mind as long as they get washed properly

-She listens to Olivia rodrigo 100%. Sour album specifically

-Her favourite colour is purple!

-Her favourite flowers are alliums and lilacs, although she hates the smell of both

-Very frequent user of bath and body works’s cherry blossom fragrance

-other than olivia rodrigo, she listens to Pink pony club and ONLY pink pony club. No other songs

Zoey >:)

-her pink tips are not natural, they’re dyed by Maria!

-Her family Is rather middle class, but they’re still not always there. She has two older sisters who give her advice on high school. She greatly misinterprets that advice

-she’s into crystal/gem collecting, mostly because they’re pretty!

-She and drew once bought a couple geodes and spent 3 hours breaking em all open as a date, she’ll never admit it, but it was her favourite one.

-Got the gold digger mindset from social media (probably TikTok and instagram), as well as misinterpreted advice from her older sisters (such as “High school is hard, you dont have to spend it in one relationship.”)

-However, despite getting the mindset from social media, she was too deep rooted in it to feel anything but sorry for herself when she was caught, not for drew. She knew it was wrong

-Does love Lia and Maria though, and very often would take them on girls days with drew’s credit card. This included spa days, and grabbing coffee, and probablya bit(LOT) of shopping

-her favourite character in mean girls is Gretchen

-Her favourite drink is Shirley temples!!

-Went through a horse phase as a child

Maria!!

-Canadian!!! 🇨🇦 🍁!! Moved to the US when she was 8.

-She used to live in Québec, so they can speak french canadian!

-Dyes zoey’s hair tips pink for her, uses the leftover pink dye on her own hair! Her hair is light enough that it tints the bottom pink ^^

-Befriended Zoey in Preschool, but they’re just friends, not best friends.

-Big believer in Rosianity

-Tomboy!

-Uses She/they pronouns

-Can skateboard, learned it just because she wanted to rub it in henry’s face (he hates it)

-Listens to Chappel Roan 🔥🔥🔥

-has drew saved as ‘My wive’s boyfriend’ in her phone. Zoey doesn’t question it

[tainted-harmon]

today i was tik tok of girl saying violet would have bpd (Borderline personality disorder) but also i search she had major depression mostly and the girl is just saying about how she acted with tate etc. what do you think about it? (sorry if i made mistakes im from Germany😁❤️)

Hey, I was actually diagnosed with BPD as I turned 18 (I’m 28 now). I strongly disagree that Violet had BPD, her behaviour was typical teenage behaviour, added with depression. Lots of teenagers suffer depression and self harm, and it’s more common than people realise for teenagers to struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I think a lot of people misunderstand this condition but one thing that is important to point out is that it cannot be diagnosed in anyone under 18, and often doctors don’t like even diagnosing it in people before their 20s because it’s a very complex condition. It’s something that is typical a lifelong condition, meaning it doesn’t get better. Most people with depression do get better or have large periods of being able to function. A lot of people throw these terms around, especially Bipolar when explaining normal mood swings. People under estimate how much hormones can affect someone’s mental health and cause mood swings. Violet was dealing with a lot of typical things that people go through, parents having issues, bullying, but she did have the added experience of a sibling death.

I’ve mentioned years ago on here, but basically I experienced a trauma during childhood and started self harming from the age of 9. Then when I was 12 my mum had a stillborn when she was almost full term and I got to hold him every day until his funeral (I was given the choice to see him and the funeral and was never forced) but this then impacted me further because it was a very hard thing to see. From this point I developed really bad depression, ended up with stitches from self harm and through my early teens until I was 18 I was in and out of hospital because of self harm and suicide attempts. When I was 16 I got put in a child mental health unit because I was was taking so many overdoses and cutting very deep on impulse. I honestly couldn’t tell you the amount of times I had to go to hospital for hurting myself before the age of 16. My school even had to call an ambulance because I overdosed in the school bathrooms when I was about 15.

When I got out of the unit is when I first saw American Horror Story on television and I felt this immediate connection with Violet.

Sorry I made this a bit personal but I think it’s important to explain why I don’t believe Violet had BPD. Violet was depressed, which is obviously a very common condition and many of us will experience it. BPD is almost always caused by an early childhood trauma, usually sexual abuse or something similar, and this has an impact on someone’s emotional development and personality.

I think people may be assuming Violet has BPD because she made one impulsive decision to overdose on sleeping tablets, but a single or even a couple of impulsive decisions can be made by anyone. I was diagnosed with BPD because I had almost a decade long history of behaviour that was impulsive and was having major issues in my relationships with people (these are both things I have worked on and been improving through my 20s but still struggle). I still receive mental health support and will do for the rest of my life because even in the last 12 months I’ve received medical treatment for incidents or self harming behaviour.

I hope this helps explain things a bit ❤️

[queersturbate]

how did you/your therapist know you had npd? what was the defining factor for you? (though i’m sure there are many!)

hey bro sorry i took so long to answer!! I wanted to think a lot about it to give you an in depth look into what having NPD feels and looks like!

OCD!Light anon if you're seeing this, I have not answered your ask. I will.

To the disorder i have tho!

Thank you for asking this question, I love to talk about how my NPD manifested throughout my adolescence and into adulthood because it's far trickier and more complex than anyone gives the disorder credit for, with it being so demonized and understudied.

So I'll start at the beginning basically. NPD is a personality disorder in the same cluster as BPD which basically everyone knows stems from intense, constant physical/emotional/verbal trauma. Many people don't realize it's the same for NPD as well, it just kind of flips, I guess? I can't speak much on BPD but NPD, looking back, my first symptoms started by just not caring. I didn't care if the people around me were happy or sad or angry or anything as long as I got what I wanted and I was happy and safe. I thought I was better than everyone in every way. That everyone was stupid compared to me, that I am above everyone else, and that no one else - or their feelings - mattered. Just mine. That's not to say I was an unfeeling monster or purposely went out of my way to cause physical or verbal harm to people. I just lacked empathy and was very, very apathetic. And I used what I could, my words, my manipulation, my etc, to get what I wanted, no matter if someone was hurt by it. I didn't care, but I also lacked the literal part of my brain that was supposed to make me feel those things. It wasn't an active choice. It was almost survival.

Okay, to put it into a scenario, imagine, you are 5 years old. And you are with your school friend. You two do not have a close bond, so your brain doesn't perceive their emotions and feelings as "valid". Because to you, and your tiny, abused, silly brain, they are there to be fun and then to leave eventually. So they don't matter. Now, imagine both of you have a ice cream cone, but yours is plain and theirs has sprinkles. You really want the sprinkles. And if you have a developing NPD brain, you think they do not deserve the sprinkles, you do. So you convince them to give you their ice cream cone. By any means necessary. Be it, "i thought you didnt like sprinkles, here :) i'll give you mine so you won't have to eat them" and basically force them to take yours, or another way. What matters is your brain thinks you deserve the sprinkles and even if your friend is sad about having to give up their ice cream with sprinkles, it doesn't matter to you. because YOU got to have it. And that's all you wanted.

Then came delusions. I believed I was a god, that I hold a type of power no one else could wield and that I was remarkably and wholeheartedly special. No one could compare to me. I was academically gifted, i always was, I was artistically gifted, I could draw and write well from an early age. I was incredibly well spoken and mature for my age (because of my abuse) and I was constantly teacher's favorites and I praised for all these things. This praise and outside enthusiastic love that people with NPD get is called "Narc Supply" (silly name) But basically it means that your brain has a little meter in your brain that fills or empties depending on how much praise you receive in a certain amount of time. When the meter is full, intense and sometimes the debilitating grandiose delusions come. When the meter is empty, a person with NPD may lash out, have angry outbursts, become catatonically depressed and even attempt suicide.

As I've gotten older people, much like people with personality disorders alike, I have learned what is socially acceptable and ideal. I have gained some empathy with growing up, albeit not much, and I am still very very apathetic and nihilistic towards the world and to people. A self aware person with NPD can act entirely different from someone who is not self aware. I am nice to people, even if I do not want to be, because I have learned it is beneficial in society. You can be a nice kind loving and gentle person with NPD. Developing the personality disorder in adolescence when your brain has not fully squished together yet and having complete NPD while being a fully formed adult are very different, and you need to look out for both past and present personality traits and behaviors.

TLDR;

The defining characteristics or factors I'd say for me all around are my personal relationships and how I view them. Are they important to me? Do I feel as if I have a bond with this person? Do I care about them if they were sad? - Another is my apathy and empathy. A lot of people with NPD say they feel little to no empathy towards humans but high empathy towards animals. - Another, my fixation on having everyone like me and approve of me and when I feel like that is necessary. When I have high Narc Supply I do not care what anyone thinks of me. I am basically a god and can do no wrong. When it is low I am basically groveling and begging for people to say they approve of smth I did. - Another, my delusions. Of course, delusions are a big one. If you are having constant thoughts of i am better than you. I am a god. You are nothing compared to me. then that's pretty indicative.

Here is a post from Redd.it (lost the user but I will put it if i can find it) that I think perfectly sums up what "faces" a person with NPD put on.

[moonsquaremars]

Why can’t I fix him?

Why is my love not enough? He had feelings for me. That is unarguable. his borderline personality disorder must have kicked in. maybe he was scared, felt unloveable. scared i would abandon him. so he self sabotaged cuz that was the safer bet for him.

but didn’t he see how understanding i was? how much i wanted to take care of him? didn’t he see the stars in my eyes, the expression of pure happiness just lying next to him?

maybe he got greedy. maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. saw how happy i made him, and figured he could do better. get more. have more sex with others. maybe i made him feel too attractive and desirable.

his hypocrisy. watching my grindr usage. sending me snarky remarks on a burner account. replying “who else” when i told him i loved him. i would have pushed every one to the side for him. i mean that. whenever i used the same tricks he used on me, it became an issue.

& he never said i love you back. started calling me codependent. he’s probably right there, but it takes two to tango.

the fact he has a history of this. dating violence. always preying on skinny young twinks with “daddy issues”. who doesn’t have daddy issues. it’s really not fair to reduce love and sexual attraction to that. it is what it is. not one person has a perfect relationship with both their parents. what is the use in trying to distort the pure love and happiness he provided me.

you told me you didn’t ask for another chance. you didn’t ask for me to give you the benefit of the doubt. harsh, true. am i a fool for giving it to you?

i won’t be a fool for letting you get away with this. the people of your past may not have held you accountable with the law. but i will. im not letting you push me around. break my phone and my heart, and walk away feeling like top dog who can do and have whatever he wants.

you had me big guy. and i had you. those seven weeks feel like a dream that i never want to wake up from. we could have built a life. i wanted so desperately to build a life with you.

you asked how i would kill you when we were joking around about that stuff. i said i wouldn’t, because i wanted to live with you. live.

that answer surprised even me. im dark, twisted. have a cruel sense of humor at times. but i don’t act on those thoughts. i can resist those impulses. i don’t want that for my life. i guess you’re not the same in that regard.

i believe everyone is a good person. turns out people aren’t as simple as that. there is part of you that is good. but that part hid away, and someone new is now in your body. i don’t know if it’s from your drug use, or bpd. i don’t know what it is.

it really doesn’t matter to me anymore, since we’ll never ever be together anymore. and that is what im mad about most. the fact you’re probably one of the most handsome men i’ve ever seen. the list goes on the ways you turned me on.

we were such a good match. but now it’s over. and you ruined all chances of there being something more. and that’s what makes me want to hate you. i wish i could hate you.

my error was thinking you wanted better for yourself. my error was assuming we had similar goals and outlooks on life. in many ways we did. and the fact you were such an asshole kinda turned me on. but you’re vicious and cruel, even to someone who loves you.

i don’t know what went wrong to make you this way. i wish i knew. i wish i could change it. i wish i could go back in time, and prevent whatever happened to make you this way.

you were my dream. and now you’re my nightmare. and i hate the idea that now i’m gonna have to spend my life with somebody else. if i survive you. and that we didn’t get enough time together.