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stoportotouch · 1 year

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PLEASE tell me about the lieutenantcules kids

ohoho i would Love to

they end up having two, james frederick (little and hodgson) and katherine "kate" alexandria (irving and hodgson). (obviously hodge is transmasc here.) james is born in january 1849 and kate is born in july 1850. They Were Busy, is what i'm suggesting here. (behold my lovely spreadsheet, because i can't keep track of these people otherwise.)

since this is The One Where Doctor MacDonald Survives, he is also the one to deliver both of them. (which is great because hodgson doesn't fancy explaining all that whatnot to a new doctor.) this later becomes a great advantage in that it prevents hodgson from Fucking Dying having kate.

lots of Stuff below the cut, because i have a lot to say about these childen as it turns out.

james is named after fitzjames and fairholme (and also edward's older brother james cornelius) and also after fred hornby. after he's born, hodgson (slightly high on Fun Victorian Narcotics, as was the fashion at the time) suggests calling him "james james". this is not necessarily unfitting considering that he is named after the man so james that they called him it twice but get Vetoed.

james is one of those "started talking late but once he started he never stopped again" neurodivergent kids, and his Personality is basically the same as hodgson's. (this includes The Neurodivergence. he would be diagnosed with autism and adhd if this was the 21st century.) this eventually leads him to join the diplomatic corps, for some reason.

he is basically hodgson's software on little's hardware in that he looks and physically acts basically exactly like little but with some of hodgson's pointy features. he... is short. (just barely taller than little when he's full grown.) partly because, as you can see, april of 1848 isn't that long after they were rescued.

but also little is short and in a short family, and hodgson is alone in his immediate family in being tall. (or rather, he was objectively tall pre-transition. he got bumped down to Just Below Average Height by the simple expedient of cutting his hair.)

james was also The World's Most Difficult Baby, again because he was born to somebody who was still kind of recovering from scurvy and definitely recovering from lead poisoning. this is literally just because the "thank god we're alive" came back LONG before the... actual intelligence did. (it also fucked hodgson's hip up for the rest of his life.)

for the first year or so james does Not like not being held, wakes up at just about every noise or External Stimulus and has colic. then around his first birthday he suddenly just goes like "hm, no more of that, thanks" and starts walking. which completely fixes all the other problems. (he still doesn't start talking until quite a while after kate.)

the not talking does give his Dads pause until james cornelius mentions when he visits that edward didn't talk until he was about seven. thus when james starts talking when he's about five or six this seems to explain everything. (one difference: when edward started talking he seemed to do so unwillingly and never talked much. james starts and then never stops for the rest of his life. this is presumably hodgson's genetics kicking in.)

as i mentioned earlier. katherine (or kate) is hodgson and irving's kid, which is just... a fascinating combination of personalities to cross-pollinate. she's named after katherine irving, who is irving's sister-in-law (and also one of his best friends), and also after alexander macdonald.

katherine irving is an obvious person to name her after, especially since irving is a bit glum about not being able to tell his family about Having Kids, on account of The Circumstances. but naming his kid after her is the next best thing (especially when he had always promised her Godmother Rights if he had kids). alexandria is, obviously, after doctor macdonald. it seems like the least they can do since he stops hodgson from dying. (kate is completely fine.)

kate is like. the world's most chill baby, and also the pregnancy is far physically/psychologically easier on hodgson than james was. most of the issue the first time was the combination of "the unknown" and like. Gender Stuff. the latter of these still gets to him from time to time with kate but far more mildly and he feels more able to talk about it. (because he was pregnant with james while little was recovering from a brain injury and irving was recovering from being stabbed. as i said, they were not especially bright in this regard.)

as i said earlier, having james when he was still recovering fucks up hodgson's hip for the rest of his life. this actually doesn't lead to what happens with kate but it probably doesn't help. (kate is also a far larger baby, since irving is tall and quite broad when he isn't malnourished, and from quite a tall family.) long story short doctor macdonald figures out that hodgson isn't just sore/tired and a bit high and hodgson gets an emergency hysterectomy out of it.

hodgson later suggests, once everybody has recovered from the shock of "partner/other father of our kids/friend just nearly bled to death", that they call her stephanie. you know, because of doctor stanley (who in fairness he did get on really well with. world's oddest friendship, or not really considering that when we see doctor stanley make attempts at Bedside Manner it's basically hodgson through a filter of irony poisoning).

little and irving haven't even talked about it and irving is kind of... avoiding it all (he does with both births but hodgson only particularly wants little with him. not for any particularly Personal reason irving's energy is just too jumpy for a sick-room). hodgson does suggest that he be there when kate is born because he knows what to expect now and they're All a bit further out from The Initial Arctic Trauma. irving says no, which turns out to be the right decision because he spends about a week having a panic attack.

they decide on a full name for her very quickly. (both of them have hodgson's surname, just to avoid any questions. this doesn't actually avoid questions with james because he looks like little.)

kate looks basically exactly like hodgson did as a kid, which is really weird for him (and also makes him a bit more protective of her than he was expecting to be). it's doubly weird that she also acts exactly like he did. as an adult she ends up looking like hodgson but a girl/with irving's tone of voice and way of speaking. (she's also about six foot tall fully grown.) basically she looks like this leyendecker painting.

she basically acts like hodgson would if he didn't have... The Problems. which can be extremely annoying but also it's great for her; she's assertive in a way that neither of her Dads could ever manage in addition to being at least book-intelligent. (she isn't people-intelligent.) she fortunately doesn't pick up irving's anxiety (or his compulsions) but she does get his Maths Brain.

she and hodgson still bond over music but she's very into like. Finding The Right Answer so he gets her into bach. this works excellently. she eventually ends up with his ancient copy of gradus ad parnassum that he's scribbled in over the course of a few decades. she is far better at bach chorale harmonisations than he is. (or rather, she picks it up far quicker.)

-----

on the subject of their families: some of little's family know but this is limited to james cornelius (Gay Uncle, beloved by both james and kate for all their lives), and little's sister margaret anne (and her husband, john). margaret and john don't particularly get it but also "aw, nieces and nephews" (and margaret likes hodgson). they look after james when kate is born.

hodgson... basically does not talk at all to his family, honestly. his dad died in 1844 (literally right before he met irving. like he was going through all that while they were having a really complicated Situationship that ended with irving trying to ghost him but not being emotionally able to) and while he used to get on with his mother... not so much any more.

if he hadn't had kids then he would probably have gritted his teeth with at least two of his siblings (beilby porteus and mary) and at least tried to have more of a relationship with them. but then as soon as he has james he's just like, "yeah my family are never getting near our kids", and kate being born (and everything around that) cements that in his mind.

he uh. i have so much to say about his relationship with his oldest sister, henrietta mildred. but the summary as it pertains to this is "he is still stuck at the level of a very scared seven-year-old where she is concerned and she is stuck at the level of a very miserable nineteen-year-old where he is concerned." they could probably talk it out. it would actually be beneficial. but they literally never will.

-----

further on Family Dynamics (and also a bit about Victorian Class Dynamics):

hodgson is a good amount younger than his siblings (or than his surviving siblings). he's one of five that survived to adulthood and he's ten years younger than the next one up which means that he was basically an only child but that his parents had forgotten everything about babies and toddlers. so like, Victorian Ideas About The Child, Multiplied By Ten Thousand.

he was also completely unexpected and while not quite unwanted he was far more handed off to nurse and then nanny than his older siblings as a kid. and then he went away to a boarding school aged thirteen, joined the navy at the age of fifteen, and basically never came back again. (until post-franklin-expedition.)

so he thinks that little, whose family mostly still live together and see each other as often as they can, has a really weird relationship with his parents and siblings. little is not going to argue this because he's sure he'll find something awful if he scratches the surface. also hodgson isn't going to press the issue because uh. little came home to discover that his mother had died a couple of months before they were rescued. so he doesn't want to cause any further Hurt.

little does, though, feel really weird about handing the kids off to nannies and nurses and governesses. (he's one of twelve from a family which was upwardly mobile but still working-ish class. they could not afford all that whatnot.) he still ends up getting on very well with the nurse they find, who they keep employing after james is born. this turns out to be a good thing when kate is born, because of The Circumstances.

#what is your song o?#teenagegothintegrity #ollie writes #dear god this got away from me #ollie considers

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the-ethereal-devotee · 1 year

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a few (a lot) headcannons for my brother Levi :D

1.neurodivergent as hell, he hasn’t been diagnosed with what he has (does not want to feel weak in front of his family). He has definitely done those “do you have this ____” quizzes on buzzFeed.

2. if you mention a anime or manga you like he will immediately go get the manga or find a way to stream the anime. He will binge it all in one sitting so you can have someone to talk to about this anime/manga and so he can know what you are talking about. (He does the same thing for video games)

3.he would love if you seem interested in what he actually talks about and his special interests.Honestly he is so cute about it the he gets so happy about a book/manga/video game/anime.

4.he stims a lot when he is around things he likes, he does audio and physical stims. His audio ones are usually a phrase from a show he likes or just random gibberish. His physical ones include kicking his legs, hand flaps, waging his tail around, jumping up & down, and rocking back & forth.

5. He sleeps in a bathtub for a couple of reasons; one he kept knocking down the slats on his bed, two he fell asleep sometimes only with his head on the bed, three he feels more comfortable sleeping in a bathtub than on a bed (he can’t roll out of bed)

6. Has very severe social anxiety in person but online all of his anxiety melts away. He has a lot of online friends who he loves dearly, he also has a account on tumblr (he seems like he would use tumblr).

7. He is very queer in my opinion very much so. I feel like with his family he uses he/him pronouns and is out as pan (is actually Omni) to them. In actuality he uses he/it/they pronouns also uses neos cause he thinks they are cool, he’s Omnisexual and uses xenogenders (he likes that he express his gender in another way than just male or female). He’s out to his online friends and a a close friend (me) in real life

8.he really likes Vocaloid songs and songs by VTubers, he thinks they are cool and sound really good.

9. Cross-dresses for fun & cosplays, he likes how he looks in dresses and feminine clothing. When in his room he likes to wear cute clothes and if he’s on a call with friends his friends usually complement him on them. He does not want asmo hearing about his cross-dressing habit or he is going to be dragged out for a long makeup and clothing shopping trip.

10. He has insomnia and too cope with that he binges anime and plays video games pretty much all night. If you can’t sleep (or have insomnia like me) he invites you to do these binges with him and it’s basically a bonding activity for him.

11. chronic pain issues and he won’t tell anyone because whenever someone in his family gets sick or injured Lucifer & the others go into basically a overbearing mother mode. Pain medicine has become his best friend at this point as well as his heating pad.

12. wants a blåhaj deeply but doesn’t want to ask for one & he doesn’t know how to get one. Please just get him one for a surprise you will be his favorite person for life if you do.

13. I feel like in the celestial realm he was female but felt male (trans :D) , he could never express his feelings do to feeling scared that he might be cast away. He liked typically male stuff as a child and was yelled at by some angels because he was doing in feminine things. After falling into devildom he started transitioning.

14. Very touch oriented if you accidentally fall asleep on him then he is not moving from that spot till you wake up. He also really loves cuddles so for love of everything he needs them so give him them.

15. He really likes plushies a lot, he has a lot of them in his room. Has also learned how to make plushies in case the one he wants is too damn expensive or a character he likes doesn’t have a plushie. He cuddles with his plushies a lot and if he goes out of his room except to see him with a plushie.

#ᯓ★from the stars aboveᯓ★#⟡Gotta collect them all!⟡#f/o #familial f/o #f/o community #selfshipper #f/o headcanons #obey me f/o

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wyrdify · 2 years

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7 Things to Know About Kai

This post has been in my head on and off for the past few days, so I’m going to type it up to get it out. It’s sort of a “get to know the mun” thing, I guess, and it’s catered specifically to who I am as an RPer.

1. My physical and mental health comes first. I go to bed somewhere around 10-11PM Eastern Time every night for the sake of my health, and I try not to push that. I have epilepsy, and lack of sleep is one of those things that lowers the seizure threshold. I’m not staying up late to write replies. As for my mental health, I need breaks from the internet, and I am not going to be available 24/7. Expecting that of anyone is absurd.

2. I write my replies at my own pace. I refuse to be rushed. If I’m feeling a particular reply, then I’m going to write it. If I’m not, then I’m not going to push it. I want to have fun while I’m RPing, and I want to give my RP partners my best writing. This is a hobby of mine, not something I am paid to do. I give the same grace to my partners. I will never rush you. Ever.

3. I am neurodivergent. Professionally, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2, OCD (with trich and derm), and generalized anxiety. I hypothesize I also have autism, but it has not been diagnosed. This means that I can hit highs with hypomania, making me super productive, super talkative, or super unable to focus. It means I can hit awful lows with depression, which causes me to disappear and stop talking to people for days at a time. It means I feel compelled to do things in particular ways to stop my brain from screaming. It means I have a tendency to take things you say to me very literally. It’s a mix.

4. I am queer. Specifically, I am asexual, gray aromantic, and nonbinary. All of my muses are queer in some way, shape, or form. I don’t have any interest in RPing with RPers who are queerphobic. I already have to hide my identity in parts of my personal life, so I’d rather not do it here. This is a queer-friendly space.

5. My English isn’t perfect. I make typos. I forget words. I use the wrong words. I make grammatical errors. Hell, I make up words from time to time, according to Google, and I will intentionally write fragments as a stylistic choice. I don’t like elitism when it comes to writing in English, especially when there are so many dialects, styles, et cetera. I give my partners my best writing, but I will make errors. English is hard enough for us native speakers, never mind those of you who learn it as another language. Let’s give each other some grace, all right?

6. I have squicks/triggers. There are topics I can write, but I need to mentally prepare for them, or I need a warning in advance that they’re coming. There are other topics that I will not write due to my comfort levels. Period. This tends to be why I plot things out with my partners. I want to avoid setting myself off, and I want to make sure my partners are comfortable as well. It definitely makes for the best RPing experience.

7. I have a life outside of RPing. I have hobbies I like to partake in. I have a husband, cats, and friends who I like to hang out with from time to time. This pings back to the first point I wrote. I need breaks from the internet to do other things I enjoy. I can’t write 24/7, and I can’t be available to everyone 24/7, especially as an introvert. Forcing me into conversation all of the time is one excellent way to get me to shut down on you.

These are my basic boundaries. I may add to this later, but yeah. I know this is basically what’s in my rules, but I like putting it here too in more of a paragraph form. Plus, this is one of those OCD “I’m compelled to do this thing, so I gotta” things. It’s annoying.

If you’ve read all this, thanks! It means a lot.

#thewriter; post #thewriter; psa

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midnighteloquence · 7 days

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watashi wa jisatsu shitaidesu

ignore whatever that means its a /nsrs

anyways! lets talk about why i no longer like friend d!

so im gonna split this rant into TWO PARTS!

Part A: things ive noticed myself/seen first hand

okay number one! they said that theyre diagnosed with bipolar, which THEY ARENT. first off, diagnosis are expensive asf no matter what youre trying to diagnose and im not being mean at all but just saying theyre on the free lunches plan soo, two diagnosis takes agessss and they just so happen to suddenly have one??

number two, theyll shit talk like everyone. i only started noticing recently that most of what comes out of their mouth is shit talk. and its fine if you have a lot to say about shitty people but then you immediately talk to them again as if you didnt just say you want to curb stomp them?? it gets confusing and ngl is really bitchy

number three! milked tf out of the fact that one of their friends said they might be autistic. which no. autism isnt something you should milk for attention!! and like the only symptoms they have are the depressive ones which USUALLY should lead you to believe that maybe you just have depression? idk im not a psychologist

on that note, they want to be a psychologist, yet doesnt understand why people act the way they do (like theyll shittalk people for things they cant fucking control) and also has rheir own problems? this would most likely be even more self destructive right? to have to solve others mental health before your own? idk im just thinking

also also they seem to care more about getting into relationships (AT THE AGE THEYRE AT) than grades which uh. yes i am literally on my knees yearning for a relationship but also at least im actually doing school and excelling academically ✌️

plus dont you gotta do good at school to be a psychologist?? thats like a really hard subject

Part B: things ive been told

this part is where it gets more blurry, since some isnt backed up (but most is dw!)

they dated C two years ago and used to do freaky shi to them at the back of the bus (make out, cuddle, touch thighs, etc), which a friend of ours i’ll call F saw first hand! um ew.

they trauma dumped on C first things first which uh

C and F would sit with each other a lot and talk alotttt because theyre both neurodivergent and nd people tend to go well and D got all pissy and like “me when my friends leave me out..” and so to shut them up (shut me up? by msi?) F told them that they might be autistic and they started milking tf out of it

told a bunch of people that C sa’d them which C did not! also told F that C’s sa story was fake and that C mentally and physically abused them (there are screenshot proof of D saying this btw!)

told people that im not autistic and that im faking it because im self diagnosed which THEY LITERALLY ARE + IVE DONE COUNTLESS HOURS OF RESEARCH ON AUTISM LEAVE ME ALONE

something ive noticed but isnt it weird that all their relationships lasted only a couple months? kinda says something

would manipulate people into taking their side by saying “oh dw its my fault not theirs!”

on that note their recent partner broke up with them AND GAVE A WHOLE ASS GOOGLE DOC ABOUT WHY WITH AMAZING EXPLANATIONS + SAYS A THOUSAND TIMES THAT IT ISNT THEIR FAULT, but C twisted it to make them the bad guy which tf he has the best moral compass of everyone ik stfu

jokes alot about substance abuse (which they do btw) but it just gets like “what am i supposed to say?”

ON THAT NOTE OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY they texted F that they tried killing themselves and F responded with an “oh” because tf are rhey supposed to say to that?? (F told me that they were literally crying when they saw that)

was a terrible friend to F, F noticed and cut off ties (good for them!! They have so much courage because i could legit never i love them for that 💪💪) and then they proceeded to send a lengthy apology which was all bs btw!

ive been told that they faked their trauma, substance abuse, and their eating disorders, but tbh im not sure if that’s true or not (considering ive seen texts theyve gotten from their mum about eating)

minor but they say theyre goth but dont even listen to the music which is the whole point! and also doesnt follow the political opinions of goth!

(did the same with punk, btw!)

not sure if true or if C said this to save their own ass but apparently D got C to shit talk me (i talked about in an earlier rant) which errr…

Secret Part C: small details

this section is in bullet points!

insulted F “jokingly” to the point they had huge gender dysphoria

thought F had a crush on their bf (at the time) when F’s literally a lesbian

not only a pathological liar but a inconsistent one!

okay this is kinda hypocritical but they follow sh blogs that show cvts

+ says the cuts are cute (which is something i dont do. i actually dont even follow them but from time to time i’ll scroll through and want to vomit /nav)

literally gave me a step by step tutorial on how to purge

not lying!

complained about their bf not kissing them in public (which is something you talk to your bf about not me! + boundaries fucking exist?)

very minor but alot of the stuff they like its mostly because it got popular on tt

will say shit like “ive only been catcalled like three times in this outfit!” which no ew + gave me a massive insecurity that im not pretty enough! choose your words wisely!

so to sum it all up theyre a terrible human being and im glad i dont talk to them anymore! thanks for reading this lengthy post!

#rant post #rant

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jaitropdonglets · 28 days

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My journey to being diagnosed with autism at 32

27 min read

Part 1

I’m on the couch, watching an Instagram reel of Holly Madison. She’s a former Playboy Bunny, model, and actress. You may recognize her from the movie, The House Bunny. She’s talking about her recent autism diagnosis at the age of 43.

In the interview, Holly revealed: “I had been suspicious of it for a while. I always kind of had trouble socially, not recognizing social cues, not picking up on things the same way other people did. But I just made excuses for it. I was never somebody who was really well liked in all different situations.”

She continues, “I think because I’m more quiet, I’ve only recently learned to make eye contact and I’m often off in my own thoughts, so people take that as offensive… I’m just not on the same social wavelength as other people. I wanted to get diagnosed because I always had a hard time connecting with others.”

As Holly carries on with the interview and reveals more and more about her internal and social struggles, I turn to my husband Tyler and say, “I do all of these things.”

He laughs it off and responds, “You’re not autistic.”

I say, “Yeah, probably.”

I text my best friend, who’s a nurse and has worked extensively with children (and adults) with disabilities: “You don’t have autism, you’re just introverted.”

Yet, I can’t stop thinking about this video. There’s a visceral gut feeling I get from this short clip. I don’t get these emotional reactions often — I tend to live my life based on logic and reason. I think with my brain not my heart. But there’s something here. There’s truth in her experience that overlaps with mine. So naturally, I start obsessing.

I get off the couch and grab my laptop. I look up articles of other women who were diagnosed with autism later in life, I pursue Reddit threads looking for confirmation of my symptoms, I watch videos, I order books… lots of books. I take quizzes online. Results: strong indication of neurodivergence. High likelihood of being on the spectrum.

My world view begins to blur. How does everything suddenly make sense, but is still just as confusing? How did nobody catch this? How did my therapists not know? How did I myself not think of it after all these years? Two of the people who know me best, shrugged me off immediately. Was I that good at hiding it? Maybe it’s not autism after all? Still unsure, I keep this newfound information to myself.

I always blamed myself for not being able to fit into the world comfortably. Caulked it up as a personal failure, constantly feeling uneasy in my own mind and body. There seemed to be something inherently flawed about me, and I could sense how others quickly picked up on this at a glance.

I discovered that autistic people are good at looking for patterns in interactions and analyzing them, imitating them, faking them. This would explain why social interactions would often leave me feeling unheard and exhausted. I felt overstimulated and adrift, which resulted in further ostracizing and rejection. People often misperceive my communication style — too blunt, too aggressive, direct, cold, or lacking empathy. My shyness was viewed as cold and my constant overwhelming anxiety as anger.

Autism is genetic and highly heritable, with brain structure and functioning differences appearing from early development. Research shows that autism does indeed run in families. I have a cousin with autism. He would be classified at level 3 which is very high-support needs. Common behavioural challenges at level 3 include self-injury, aggression, running or wandering away, and extreme sensory processing issues. He has never been able to live independently and requires 24-hour care. I saw how challenging this was for their family emotionally, physically, and financially.

Admittedly, this was my only view of what autism was. And often, this is why women are misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all; people associate the disability with young boys with behavioural or developmental issues. Women and young girls are able to slip through the cracks because they are better at masking the disability and are left to fend for themselves in a world that was not designed for them.

I keep telling myself that this couldn’t possibly be me. I mean, if I were autistic, surely someone, everyone, would have noticed? I didn’t exhibit severe symptoms, so it’s hard to believe that this could apply to me, right?

But for the first time in my life, I have an answer, an actual scientific diagnosis, that explains why I am different. Why I think the way I do. Why I’ve struggled so much, and have spent so much of my life hiding my stress for everyone else’s benefit, at the cost of my own mental health.

I mention my findings to Tyler again. I get choked up and the emotion catches me off-guard. I almost want him to talk me out of pursuing this further.

“If it will give yourself clarity and relief, you should do it.”

“And I’m not what I appear to be, Although I laugh and I act like a clown, Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown.” — The Beatles

Part 2

The autism assessment process, I learn, is fairly long and arduous. It is also expensive. I was looking at a bill of about $2,400 (this was the cheapest I was quoted at the time, with the most expensive in the $4k range).

Getting an official diagnosis is a double-edged sword. For starters, I could complete the process only for them to shoo me away and tell me it’s my mental health. I’ve had this experience with doctors in the past. One doctor labelled me as “depressed,” gave me anti-depressants and sent me on my way. I argued that I am in fact, not depressed. But the medication does help treat my severe PMS symptoms (fun fact, PMDD disproportionately affects people with autism/ADHD), so I still take it because it helps alleviate my pain.

A second doctor I saw dismissed me completely. “You seem completely fine to me.” At the time, I didn’t know what I was dealing with, so I thought my issues were just related to anxiety. I needed help, but I didn’t know what help to ask for, so never received any. Because my feelings and experiences were so invalidated by these doctors, I never bothered going back. This is a common occurrence for women with autism — nearly 80% of us are misdiagnosed, often with conditions such as borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and even narcissistic personality disorder.

When a woman discloses that she’s autistic, the reaction is often, “But you don’t look autistic,” or even a straight denial, “No you’re not.”

I’m guessing this is meant to be a compliment — it’s not. It’s like telling someone, “you don’t seem gay.” Since you don’t fit into my preconceived or stereotypical view of what a gay person should be, therefore, you can’t possibly be gay. Which is a rather bitter compliment to absorb. It’s like saying I don’t count as autistic because I can feign normality for short bursts of time.

People often fail to recognize the challenges and inner turmoil I face because my life appears well put-together. It’s disheartening that my struggles have been dismissed, even by trained medical professionals, simply because of what they are seeing from the outside.

From a young age, we’re taught that busyness equates to value, but it’s problematic to link our intrinsic worth solely to productivity and activity. Society often places higher value on those who appear independent and productive, however, this mindset can be particularly harmful to those silently struggling with societal expectations and pressures.

Disabled people are often viewed as charity cases to others — is this person disabled enough to be worthy of pity and charity? For some, it’s seen as a personal flaw, for others, their disability is seen as more severe and we should hold more compassion for them because people tend to view the severity of a disability on how much it affects them, not the person with said disability.

Those early days after my diagnosis were a rollercoaster, filled with moments of clarity, anger, grief, but eventually, acceptance. I felt overwhelmed and anxious, grappling with the realization of how this diagnosis might impact my future. I will now forever have a label– something to point to that says, “she’s different.” It was a complex mix of emotions as I tried to process the implications, and how it affects my place in the world.

There are very real-world consequences to this, too. It could impact my ability to get health insurance or affect potential job opportunities or career advancements for me. If I someday decide to have kids and get a divorce, my disability could be used against me in court.

I would be considered a Level 1 autistic. On the surface, I seem to manage quite effectively, maintaining a job, caring for a home, looking after a pet. However, I encounter significant challenges, particularly related to sensory sensitivities and social interactions, as is unique to each individual on the autism spectrum.

Given the recent trend that autism is just a quirky personality type, and not a developmental disorder can impose genuine obstacles when it comes to quality of life. Disabilities like autism for low-support need individuals like myself, can be so hard to manage and understand, that I’m left trying to learn more about myself from a 18-year-old TikToker.

Looking around, I’m aghast at how few resources exist for women like myself who are late-diagnosed. When most people envision autism, they likely picture young boys, toddlers with hyperactivity challenges. As for Asperger’s (reclassified as autism due to its association with Nazism), figures like Mark Zuckerberg, a savant lacking social skills, often comes to mind. I don’t fit into either category. I feel like a lot of “support” for autistics rely on outdated stereotypes that didn’t truly benefit us anymore.

I wondered if people would perceive or treat me differently after a diagnosis. Some may not believe me, think I want special treatment or attention, or use it as an excuse to infantilize me. We’ve come along way, but there is still a lot of stigma and discrimination about mental illnesses and disabilities. Myself included. I was woefully uninformed about autism itself and had to take a hard look at my own ableism throughout this process. Ultimately, my hope is that others will take my problems more seriously if a psychiatrist has validated them.

“The cold hand of the past emerges from the grave of our ancestors, grips us by the neck and directs our gaze towards a single future. We have felt that grip from the moment we were born, so we assume that it is an inescapable part of who we are. We seldom try to shake ourselves free.” — Yuval Noah Harari

Part 3

In my early twenties, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

C-PTSD is caused by repetitive trauma over long periods of time. Different from PTSD, which is caused by a singular traumatic event, complex trauma can be harder to treat because the circumstances contributing to the trauma can be hard to pinpoint and is difficult to process and heal. Childhood abuse is the most common cause of complex trauma.

I grew up in a very abusive and tumultuous household. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically by my mother throughout my childhood. My upbringing was a battleground of manipulation, conditional love, and neglect. The constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, and fear of violence, eroded my self-esteem and confidence deeply.

Every day was fraught with uncertainty–walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her volatile moods and unpredictable reactions. I would walk into the kitchen and get a spoon thrown at my head for no reason. Or I’d get berated for being hungry, even though I wasn’t given food all day.

During my teen years, school and sports served as sanctuaries from the turmoil of my home life. My fondest recollections revolve around participating in team sports, where I found solace and camaraderie. I experienced a sense of belonging, being embraced by teammates and occasionally entrusted with leadership roles. Those moments were marked by newfound acceptance and validation, offering a stark contrast to the struggles I endured at home.

As a result of my upbringing, I spent most of my 20’s with crippling anxiety and bouts of depression, which escalated into panic attacks. I would regularly spend my breaks at work hyperventilating in the bathroom. At this point, therapy was imperative. My anxiety had escalated to such an extreme that I knew if I didn’t intervene, I’d end up in a psych ward.

This apparently happens to a lot of autistic adults. They report feeling “more autistic” as they mature into adulthood. Which is untrue; those with autism are born with it, but at a certain point the weight of societal expectations and layers of overwhelming demands or trauma become too much for us to handle, and we hit a breaking point.

There has been research done into the connection between PTSD and autism; it’s common for both to be diagnosed and there’s a lot of gray area between the two conditions. Since neurodivergence is genetic, and trauma can be generational, they tend to go hand-in-hand. Due to various factors such as low social status, our vulnerability to being rejected by family, mental illness, and social isolation, autistic people are far more likely to be traumatized, so it can be tricky to separate.

I’ve been through a lot of awful things that no one, especially a child, should have to experience. Upside is that I’m thankful to still be here, downside is that I process and experience the world differently than most people do. I’m jaded and cynical. I don’t see the world through rose-colored glasses, how can I? My own mother didn’t love me — I have little faith in finding others who do, either.

The repercussions of my childhood will stay with me for a lifetime. No amount of therapy, positive thinking, or meditation will replace a loving, caring mother. There is a hole in my heart, in my being. My whole ethos, where my mom’s unconditional love and support was supposed to belong, cannot be filled.

Overcoming a narcissistic upbringing often requires significant introspection, therapy, and a journey towards reclaiming one’s autonomy and sense of self. I’m really proud of myself for being on that journey.

I haven’t seen my mother in 7 years. A lot of people probably can’t wrap their head around having to become estranged from a parent (hence, why I rarely talk about it). But others don’t have the context of the unbearable history that led to that decision. Even if you can’t make sense of it, you can respect it and not add more pain.

“Never really been alive before, I always lived in my head, And sometimes it was easier, hungover and half dead.” – Florence Welch

Part 4

For me, experiencing autism often feels like everyone else was naturally equipped with an instinctive understanding of how to act and be — like I was supposed to be taken aside as a kid and explained the rules but never was.

Social situations felt like muddling through trial and error or slogging through fake small talk until I figured out what others liked. I was mistaken for being overly harsh or impolite, when in truth, I was sincerely trying to initiate a conversation. I would say something like, “Oh, I like your top!” and others would misinterpret it as mockery.

So, I learned how to blend in. How to melt into the wallpaper, disappear into the couch. The less conspicuous I was, the more readily I was embraced. Despite occasional invitations, I perpetually found myself on the periphery of social circles, always slightly out of sync and never truly integrated. I observed from a distance. I existed as an afterthought, drifting in and out of relevance. While not actively disliked, I also failed to inspire genuine affection.

A lot of women’s social currency is based on how well she does in groups. Unfortunately, autistics are known for being unwilling or unable to homogenize. Due to societal expectations and gender roles, I often feel pressure to conform to certain norms of behaviour that don’t align with my natural tendencies or communication style. Many autistic women find themselves grappling with a sense of not belonging, longing for understanding and acceptance.

Girls are often brought up with the expectation to be affectionate, submissive, expressive about emotions, and socially engaged. We place a greater emphasis on females displaying empathy and nurturing qualities – there’s an assumed role for us to embody warmth, care, and a comforting, non-questioning presence. However, I don’t fit this expectation.

It’s such a strange juxtaposition between desperately wanting to fit in and be part of a group, and then actually being in one, and realizing that I must keep the mask on forever in order to maintain membership. It’s like wanting to be included, but than hating the dynamics once I’m in.

This is when I discovered that for most of my life, I was masking. Masking is a coping mechanism, but also a survival technique. Autistic masking is a behaviour that helps us hide and suppress signature characteristics of the disorder, camouflaging our autistic traits to fit societal norms and expectations.

I came to realize that most people don’t consume considerable mental energy monitoring their speech, posture, gestures, and facial expressions in social situations like I do. Many social behaviours and body language cues that come naturally to most individuals, were not programmed in me. I have to consciously adjust my tone, body language and facial expressions to appear more “approachable.”

Here’s a glimpse into my mind during a conversation:

Step 1. Cue smile Step 2. Raise eyebrows to show interest Step 3. Make eye contact Step 4. What was I talking about again? Step 5. Not too much eye contact, you freak Step 6. It’s hot in here, why is it so hot? Step 7. Stop fidgeting Step 8. Ask them how their weekend was, people like that Step 9. Do they hate me? I feel like they hate me Step 10. Use hands to emphasize a point Step 11. Fake a laugh at someone’s lame attempt at a joke Step 12. Why did I wear these pants? They are so uncomfortable Step 13. WTF do I do with my hands now? In my pockets, on my hips? Step 14. Look relaxed. OMG, RELAX!

Masking leaves us exhausted. Not the kind of exhausted you can sleep off in a weekend — this was the type of exhaustion I felt in my bones, the type of exhaustion stemming from not being able to be myself for 32 years.

Neurotypical individuals (who make up 85% of the world’s population) often engage in indirect communication styles, relying on subtle cues, implied meanings, and context to convey messages. This can present challenges for autistic individuals who may prefer clear and direct communication. Furthermore, because autistic people are in the minority, we don’t think, perceive, and behave in ways that are considered to be the “norm” by the general population.

I tend to find most relationships confusing and conflicting. When someone says through gritted teeth that they are fine, when clearly they are not, I don’t know what to say or do. You are clearly not fine–people say one thing and mean another. The mismatch of facial expression and the intended meaning throws me off kilter every time. “We should get together soon!” actually means, I’ll never fucking hear from you again. The emphasis on conformity and social hierarchy always felt arbitrary to me, I never understood why others prioritized surface-level interactions over genuine emotional honesty.

I’d often receive “helpful” but condescending remarks like, “You seem unhappy, you should smile more!” I comply, albeit reluctantly, turning to reveal what feels like a forced, Joker-esque grin. I’m genuinely content; this is simply my default facial expression. I would often marvel at how women could get away with saying the most back-handed, passive aggressive things as long as they maintained a soft tone of voice. It’s like we are all playing a game; a game of never saying what we truly mean, and I’m left in the dark trying to decode the meaning.

Every time I met someone new I’d tell myself, “this time you’re going to get it right.” But alas, the effort of keeping up the façade would exhaust me, and my mask would start to slip. I feel overwhelmed and bewildered by the expectations others have in relationships. I crave solitude much more than some, while others thrive on constant company. Our needs are generally contradictory, and eventually, one of us pulls away.

“Why are you so quiet? What’s your problem? You’re strange, aren’t you? Are you upset? You are a real mystery. You should open up more. Wow, I thought you were a total bitch when I first met you. You’re different. What’s wrong with you?”

I’ve lost count of how many people have said these things directly to my face over the years–I can only imagine what others say behind my back. People often don’t realize the extent to which I’ve internalized these comments, and the pain I feel from these words is deep and profound. For so long, I let shame and social judgment shape me. It turned me into someone who rejected others before they had the chance to reject me. It was easier that way, less complicated. I felt like I had more control over my life remaining at arms length.

It is mind-boggling to me that others can point out that I’m being quiet, but if I were to ask them “why are you being so loud?” — I’m the one who’s out of line. This is just one example of social interaction rules that are rife with double standards. Nuanced rules that I don’t understand.

We are not the blank automata so often portrayed in media (think Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, or Lisbeth Salander from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo). Autism is so broadly associated with assholery that we try to overcompensate by being people pleasers and non confrontational. I know I can often come across as being stone cold — as if no one can hurt or touch me. I actually feel things very deeply, but sometimes what’s happening on the inside doesn’t match my facial expressions.

I consistently find myself feeling invisible, forgettable, and disposable to others, a recurring theme in my life. I’ve had people reintroduce themselves to me even though we’ve met on multiple occasions, call me by the wrong name, or only reach out when they need something from me. I never seemed to be anyone’s first choice, and my authentic self never felt good enough. I was the friend summoned only as a last resort, merely to fill empty spaces, never truly feeling valued or wanted. I frequently experienced a deeper emotional investment in relationships than the other person, leading to resentment because the effort was not being reciprocated. I’m sure this is a defense mechanism developed after enduring numerous disappointments and letdowns in relationships over the years.

A few years ago, I had a misunderstanding with a friend. My misstep was entirely inadvertent–I wasn’t even aware of my mistake until I discovered that my husband and I had intentionally been excluded from a social event we had planned to attend.

It really upset me — I remember sitting in my car and crying in a Home Depot parking lot about it. I felt awful for causing someone pain, but it was disheartening that they perceived me as the type of person capable of such actions in the first place. Our relationship has not been the same since. Each time I encountered them afterward, their demeanour appeared distant and cold, as if they wanted nothing to do with me. It was perplexing because they said everything was fine to my face, but their actions and body language were conveying the opposite.

These situations are hard for autistics. We tend to hyper fixate, and play over and over in our heads what we did wrong, how we could have done things differently. We feel intense sadness, guilt, and insecurity when being rejected (which is actually a dysphoria related to autism).

I do care — I just find it hard to translate how I feel in a way that makes sense to others. I’ve come to terms with the possibility that I may never attain closure regarding what happened. I still feel sadness about it, but I have learned that when others resort to using the silent treatment or indirect forms of ostracism, it is neither effective nor healthy when addressing conflicts. True love creates space for freedom, expansion, open communication, and forgiveness.

Miscommunication is basically a rite of passage for autistics. Direct communication can be intimidating for most people, but because I am autistic, I have a harder time “reading between the lines” and I’ll inevitably misinterpret something. Even though it hurts to hear I did something wrong, I’d rather hash it out and offer an apology. After all, I can’t read minds, and ambiguity and unpredictability are my brain’s adversaries.

As I continue learning more about myself and my boundaries, I will make mistakes, frustrate people, or upset them. It’s okay for our actions to make others unhappy sometimes and it may even mean disengaging from those who are not worth the effort.

It’s moments like this in my life where it’s so painfully evident that I’m different from the people around me. My life is littered with broken relationships.

There are so many things that we’re able to excuse, to convince ourselves that we’re just fine — eye contact, socializing, going out in public, making jokes — and a lot of the things make it seem like we “don’t look autistic,” when in reality it takes a lot of practice, concentration, mental systems, accommodations, and recovery time for us to do things that allistic people don’t think twice about.

It’s not all terrible, though. Autistics in general have a keen eye for detail, and a knack for logic. We are creative, scientific, musical, analytical, and artistic. We have a low tolerance for bullshit and inefficiency. I feel like I have a finely tuned ability to detect phoniness and hypocrisy where others fail to see it. We can have intense emotions and strong judgments, and often don’t care about social norms.

“Sometimes a label is the only way of parlaying some compassion out of the world.” – Katherine May

Part 5

In hindsight, what I thought were panic attacks, were actually autistic meltdowns. Autistic burnout is a result of chronic life stress without adequate supports. It is characterized by pervasive, long-term exhaustion, loss of function, and reduced tolerance to stimulus.

My meltdowns generally manifest as shutdowns. My body undergoes dysregulation, often triggered by sensory overload, social interactions, or stress. I find myself needing to disconnect from the outside world for days, sometimes even weeks, as my body enters a state of rebellion. I’d describe it as more of an implosion. I don’t have much of a reaction outwardly, but inside I feel like a bubbling cauldron with a searing headache.

I wish others understood how intense the psychological pain is. Expressing this to regular people is challenging because it appears highly absurd, and conveying it without coming across as melodramatic or unreasonable is difficult. I consistently experience a persistent sense of fatigue.

I quickly adapted, and learned more socially acceptable ways of becoming socially withdrawn, such as being “sick,” or drowning myself in work to hide my meltdowns. Which is what I did after I graduated college and moved to Toronto. I was working a regular 9–5, plus freelancing on the side. I’d get home from work, eat, then work until 10 or 11pm almost every night. Anything to divert attention from the constant anxiety and malfunctioning of my brain.

During my time working in Toronto, I recall feeling extremely uncomfortable in an office environment. The bustling nature of offices, with fluorescent lighting, background noise, and the constant ebb and flow of people was overwhelming to my senses. At the end of every workday, I’d frequently arrive home on the verge of exhaustion.

During performance reviews, I regularly got feedback that I was too forthright, too blunt, and I needed to speak up more in meetings. Valuing direct communication myself, I tend to assume others also appreciate straightforwardness. I only speak when I believe it’s necessary.

I worked with male colleagues who freely swore during meetings, interrupted others, and still received promotions, while I was labeled as hostile. It’s worth noting this was in the tech industry, where there’s a prevailing notion that men can embody the “brooding” genius archetype. However, if women don’t conform to a certain subservient mold, they’re often perceived as disruptive or a liability. Navigating office politics would often prove perplexing (and unimportant) to me.

I just wanted to do a good job without being hassled. I was serious, quiet, and straightforward. Unfortunately, others view that as you not wanting to fit into the hierarchy and freeze you out. It’s like everyone could almost immediately recognize something was “off” about me, and I was “othered” at work and judged in social circles right away.

The pressures from work, and the challenges I faced privately began to take their toll on me, again. I started breaking out in hives. Massive, itchy, burning welts all over my skin. The issue was omnipresent for years. I even visited one of the best allergists in Toronto who basically told me there was nothing I could do except take a concoction of steroids to help reduce my breakouts (which made me gain weight like crazy). The hives got so bad I ended up in the ER one night because my mouth was itchy and I was worried my throat would close.

Hives can serve as an indicator of potential autoimmune diseases. Despite this possibility, my blood work consistently returned nothing and my physicals fell within the normal range. I’m now convinced it was my body’s way of telling me it was overwhelmed. My mind and body was engulfed, submerged, and inundated by stress.

I started seeing another therapist about why I was so bad at coping with seemingly normal, everyday things, but I started plateauing at therapy–no amount of observing my thoughts from a distance helped. The sessions with my therapist started to feel directionless and open-ended. She was too passive for my inflexible brain. I didn’t want to vent, I needed answers.

She would give me advice like, “Just ask someone you want to connect with to coffee this weekend.” While I guess this may be helpful advice for normal people who aren’t social aliens like myself, it failed to address the underlying issue of why I struggle to sustain relationships.

It’s worth highlighting here the limitations of conventional therapy for autistic individuals – because our fears and stresses, often dismissed as ‘irrational’, are actually undeniably valid. My last therapist would also tell me that, “you’re more than your looks, stop being so insecure.” Excuse me, but my appearance is a crucial factor in whether I’m accepted or excluded from society because my personality doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. I look extremely functional and successful unless you live inside my body; then you’d know it’s a dog’s breakfast.

I continued to find myself making decisions that didn’t truly align with my desires, simply because it’s what I felt obligated to do. I’ve been conditioned to disregard warning signs, to tough it out, and move on. Like remaining at social gatherings for longer than I wanted, primarily out of concern that leaving early might be perceived as rude — despite being aware that I would feel miserable by the time I got home.

Autistic people can often have heightened sensitivities to sound and light, influencing everything from social interactions to work or school environments. Autistic brains process an average of 42% more information at rest than a neurotypical brain.

This would explain why mundane tasks for neurotypical people, such as getting a haircut, can be hard for me. The assault of smells coming from different hairsprays and chemicals, the roar of blow dryers, the spotlight-style lighting, feeling obligated to maintain pleasant chit chat with the stylist, all while remaining militantly still for 2 to 3 hours. I feel like a piece of bacon under a heat lamp. Slowly frying, my energy sizzling away. Or how trying to talk to other people at loud bars or restaurants is impossible because I cannot drown out background noise and focus on the person in front of me. It all becomes mumbled into static.

I have very strong sensory issues with my hair. I hardly ever wear my hair down because the sensation of hair touching my neck feels like fire ants crawling across my skin. If one hair falls out of place, I notice it right away and my skin becomes itchy. I actually believed this was a common experience that everyone felt, feeling like a failure because I struggled to cope with it more effectively.

Autistics expend a huge amount of mental energy every single day coping with socializing, change, and sensitivities. Think of it like an energy bank. More and more energy gets withdrawn throughout the day just to survive because our brains are hyperactive and the world, overwhelming.

When autistic people get overwhelmed, we stim. I had never heard of this term before, but I realized I’ve been doing it my entire life. Stimming serves various purposes including self-regulation. Plus it can take many forms, such as hand-flapping, rocking, spinning, tapping, or vocalizing.

My stims are more “acceptable” in the sense that I don’t visibly rock or flap my hands in public. I do fidget a lot in social situations, bounce my leg up and down, twirl my hair, touch my face, and I often chew my cuticles or the inside of my mouth until I bleed. I thought these were just bad habits, but it was actually my body trying to regulate itself when I was under emotional stress.

I am so grateful I don’t have to suffer at offices anymore. I have the freedom to be myself most days, now that I have a work-from-home job that provides me with just the right balance of social interaction and flexibility. I’m slowly learning to quiet the voices in my brain, the guilt from others’ expectations of what I “should” be doing, rather than evaluating what is best for me and my needs.

Naturally, I’ve been doing more research on how views of autism can vary based on cultural norms and societal perspectives. I sometimes wonder if I’d fare better as an autistic in the Netherlands, where Dutch people are known for direct communication — getting straight to the point and stating the facts as they see them. No cushioning, no sugarcoating. Or in Japan, where avoiding eye contact is customary and is even seen as a sign of respect.

“Guilt blocks growth. Grace unlocks growth.” — Jay Shetty

Part 6

Life before my diagnosis was a whirlwind of bad mental health, social struggles, and being weighed down by this overarching feeling I was broken, damaged, or just a shit person.

Realizing and accepting myself as disabled has entailed a significant and profound reshaping of my entire life.

I’ve accepted that I may never have lasting friendships or know how to maintain them properly. And that I’ll probably never be able to keep up with life at the same pace as everyone else. All the instances when I was overly critical of myself weren’t due to me being unintelligent, lazy, or clueless. Rather, I just lacked the necessary tools and support.

During my research for this article, I read a study about how autistic people are quick to be judged by complete strangers, even within just a couple of seconds of interacting with them. In that same study, it was found that if the other person was told about the autism beforehand, they were able to connect and hold a much better conversation with less judgment.

If an autistic person can benefit from more flexibility and social patience, why not extend those same benefits to everyone? I think we should hold more compassion for everyone in social situations who are just trying to do their best — even if it is unstable and imperfect. We are all operating at different levels, mentally and socially, and having patience for others can go a long way to making others feel more included. Being wired differently is completely OK–being intolerant of differences is not.

So, why am I sharing this? I’m not sure. I’m a very private person–that’s not by accident. I have spent my entire life being misunderstood. Putting my feelings into writing has been primarily therapeutic for me, as I find that I can articulate myself much more eloquently through written word than verbally. I hope it has offered you some perspective and insight into my inner world.

I’m “coming out” as autistic in a rather harsh landscape, where it’s likely other people won’t actually believe me, or even discriminate against me.

As trite as it sounds, it would make me so happy to know that someone reading this might recognize similarities in their own behaviours (or their child’s behaviour) and decide to seek testing. Reflecting on my life thus far, I realize how much self-compassion I could have shown myself if I had known earlier. On the flip side, the thought of potentially living my entire life without knowing I was autistic, is unsettling.

Disapproval has been so painful for me in the past. My mother’s disapproval as a kid, morphed into external social disapproval as an adult. I’ve been waiting most of my life to fit in. Waiting for my life to begin. Waiting for the proper me. Truth is, I will never fit in. A part of me is still unsure what is authentically me, what is my trauma, what is my disability. Where does each one stop and the other begin?

Building a lifestyle that revolves around my strengths rather than pushing to overcome my weaknesses, is my goal for this year. Embracing and being compassionate towards my limitations will aid in creating a purposeful, slower, and more comfortable life.

For too long, my existence has felt fragmented. Autism has the potential to serve as the adhesive that reunites some of those scattered pieces.

It’s an existence where someone like me, can still be recognized as worthy and whole.

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catubarca · 3 years

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Autism & Stereotype

So i’m absolutely not an expert on this subject, but I am autistic myself and have recently been diagnosed as of Nov 2020. I’ve been thinking about this subject a lot recently, and I really just wanted a place to discuss my thoughts.

I never thought I was autistic.

Sure, I learnt about autism in school when my (year 9?) class had to read about an autistic character in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, but I never related particularly strongly to the book.

I understood the character’s dislike of social settings and how he’d rather avoid talking to people, and the dislike of physical touch, and even then it flagged with me that this book was (up until Jasper Jones) the only English assigned school book I’d ever bothered to read the whole way through, but it didn’t flag enough for me to look any further.

I didn’t relate to a lot of the canonically autistic characters in the media; the Sheldon Cooper’s & Good Doctors. I didn’t have hyper-fixations on things like math or science or trains, I did understand sarcasm and I (usually) got jokes.

But the kind of characters I did relate to?

Hermione Granger & Luna Lovegood & Newt Scammander & Tony Stark & Peter Parker & MJ & Batman & Katniss Everdeen & Will Graham & Amy Santiago & Castiel & all these other characters that, since receiving my diagnosis, I’ve seen arguments for them being (possibly) on the spectrum.

When I used to read Harry Potter aloud to my dad, he would always comment on how I would literally talk just like Emma Watson. I had a phase where I tried to dress like Luna Lovegood.

Tony Stark is so tied up and in-tangled with my own personality I literally don’t know where he starts and I finish anymore; when he died on screen I was inconsolable for weeks and had, at the time, no way of understanding or communicating why his death was so personal but I was grieving an actual part of myself.

Something I’ve come to see in the media & its representation of autistic folk is how often the characters that are actually intended to be autistic often fall flat into stereotypes.

It’s often the characters that aren’t written as autistic that we latch onto strongest. Why though?

Because those characters aren’t approached as “autistic”, they’re approached as “humans”, and that’s what we all are primarily: humans.

As a writer myself who loves character creation, so often I steal little personality traits from my friends and family, and from myself. It is, as so many authors have said before, the best and strongest way to make interesting characters that feel real. Giving them traits you see in real people is the best way to ground characters in actual reality.

So, when you have an author sitting down to write a character - they look to those strangers & familiar around them. And you know what, in a world where so many neurodivergent people go undiagnosed (especially those AFAB), sometimes a writer might pick up traits from an undiagnosed person.

That’s why the non-canonical autistic characters end up feeling so much more diverse and unique, and why they often accidentally end up registering with the less common or understood or even known traits of autism: because their treated as humans first, not stereotypes and simple trait breakdown on an autism diagnosis website.

Hermione is bossy and can come across as rude when she’s trying so hard to socialise and make friends (”I’m Hermione Granger. And, you are?”). She turns to books and quiet spaces like the library, feels such a strong pressure to succeed academically because she’s less strong socially. She is incredibly loyal to her few friends she has made, and stays out of Ron & Harry’s fights as much as possible (”I’m not an owl!” “Boys.”). She swings between being under-empathetic (i.e. struggling to understand Harry doesn’t want to talk about Sirius’ death so soon) & hyper-empathetic (i.e. Cho Chang, “just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon”).

Luna Lovegood is unique and one-of-a-kind, and faces quite intense bullying at time from her peers in Ravenclaw. She doesn’t conform to normal fashion expectations and, similar to Hermione in some ways, is often seen with her nose in some edition of the Quibbler. She loves her weird creatures and even spends time with the Thestrals, preferring animals over humans. She misses social cues and jokes, even those made at her expense (or, perhaps, she ignores them). She also has, often, the same facial expressions.

Newt Scammander avoids eye contact, usually only making it for a brief second before glancing away, usually to stare over someone’s shoulder. He is awkward with physical touch and often blunt about his social skills (”most people find me annoying”). He prefers the company of animals over humans, and hyperfixates on them intensely. He has little regard for people thinking he is strange or odd. Sometimes he even blinks excessively, something I’ve done since childhood (it worried my mother so much she took me to an optometrist. I now know it’s a stim).

Tony Stark had a weird thing about not being handed stuff, which I don’t know about any other autistic people, but that’s actually something I hate myself. He blasts loud music in his lab because it’s a loud noise under his control. He rambles and talks about whatever he wants/is interested in, with little regard for if anyone else is keeping up with what he’s saying (this got noted in my diagnostic report, myself). Not to mention his significant intelligence and sometimes black & white sense of justice (”suit of armour around the world”). He struggles to communicate his emotions and often masks his emotional distress beneath wit & humour. He can also be quick to forgive (i.e. “thank god I’m here”), even to those it seems only a short time before he was furious with, because he doesn’t have much luck elsewhere with friends (also fixing Fury’s display to better suit is one eye).

Peter Parker (and yes I know this is from the spiderbite but it stills strikes a chord with many) suffers from sensory overload, but he also has a very black & white sense of justice (”I don’t want to kill anybody” “if you can do the things that I can, and you don’t, and then the bad things happen...”). He misses social cues (”I’m just grabbing the door for you”) and hyperfixates on topics of interest like science & sci-fi & lego, and so much of his communication style is quotes and references and interest topics, something we also see with Tony (”Point Break”, “you ever seen this really old movie Aliens?” “i don’t want another single pop-culture reference out of you for the rest of this trip” “I don’t know I didn’t carbon-date him”), which is, funnily enough, exactly the style of communication my autistic father and I have with each other, communicating primarily through Douglas Adams quotes.

MJ self-admittedly “doesn’t have much luck... getting close to people”, she is blunt and doesn’t give much thought to what other people think of her (”but you’re also at this party?” “Am I?”). She can come across perhaps to some as rude (”you guys are losers”). She has weird interests (black dahlia, “i read it was secretly built as a mind control tower... which is why it’s my favourite destination on the whole trip”), and as an autistic person dating another autistic person Peter getting her a Black Dahlia necklace was accurate and adorable.

Batman is a character I saw quite an interesting argument for a while ago, so forgive me if I’m forgetful on the details. But, someone was arguing the alter-ego of Batman or, more accurately, his false identity as ‘playboy’ ‘himbo’ Bruce Wayne is the alter-ego, a mask to appear how people expect him to be. He prefers dark spaces & has the weird attachment to bats, and a black & white no-killing!!! sense of justice (which the DC movies :( seem to have forgotten). He is intelligent but intensely private & loyal.

Katniss Everdeen is one I related to myself. She struggles to connect with her mother in any meaningful way and can often be quite blunt with her (”you can’t [disappear] like you did with dad”), but has a very strong connection with Primrose. She prefers being out in the forest hunting, where it is simple and quiet. Some complain she was too “bland” and a typical “YA main character” but I always thought she was really quite interesting? Her hunting skills don’t come out of no where, she clearly practices and it’s a connection to her dad, it’s a soothing and somewhat repetitive activity to lose herself in. She’s quiet and reserved around strangers except for anger (i.e. first meeting Haymitch), but she’s looser and funnier with i.e. Gale (mocking Effie in the first book). She’s able to mask and act (rather awkwardly, I’ll admit, but not every autistic person is good at masking) in front of the camera, and jokes she does make with Caesar Flickerman that get a laugh from the audience seem to surprise her.

Will Graham is a character commonly thought of as autistic. He also has an aversion to eye contact, saying it’s “distracting”, but seems to love (a bit reluctantly) physical touch, especially from those he cares about (perhaps to a fault - loyalty to toxic relationships is often seen in autistic women in particular), and is a unique case of hyper-empathy, which we so often don’t see in autistic characters. He loves his dogs and doesn’t react well to people who try and analyse him like some kind of science project. He’s funny but blunt and can come across as intense.

Amy Santiago tries her hardest in both her job & with her coworkers, and often comes across as a little too earnest and maybe a bit awkward. She’s detail orientated and loves her organisational folders, and an absolute stickler for the rules, but she’s driven sometimes to the point of stubbornness. She’s a bit of a perfectionist and sometimes gets made fun of by the other characters for her “goody-two-shoes” attitude. She doesn’t handle change and become anxious when she can’t plan properly.

Castiel “didn’t understand that reference.” When he first meets the Winchester’s he’s a bit uptight and struggles to understand and relate to human emotions. He’s clueless to human media and struggles to keep up with Dean’s constant references, but tried to connect with him in the ways he can (”it’s funnier in enochian”). He misses social cues (”what’s the word, Cas?” “a shortened version of my name.”) He can be a bit naive and easily driven, i.e. making a deal with Crowley, but intensely loyal to the Winchesters despite their often lacklustre treatment of him. He doesn’t make a lot of facial expression, and often mimics Dean, and, of course, “dude, we talked about this... personal space?”

All of these characters show various symptoms & behaviours, at least ones that are familiar to my experience with my autism, and I find it interesting the characters I used to mask and create fake identifies to hide my behaviours as a kid were all characters I shared traits with.

These are just a few characters I could talk about - and please don’t be upset if you disagree or didn’t see your head-cannoned character here, I haven’t watched every single piece of media ever and am still learning about this community myself :)

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fredzina · 4 years

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Dean Winchester has ADHD and here's why

Before I get into this I would like to preface that I'm not a psychologist nor have I actually taken a psychology course (although I tried but apparently I'm not allowed to take 11 courses a semester). Point being, all of what I'm about to talk about is from my own research, and my friends' experiences with ADHD. I also have not been properly diagnosed with ADHD or any type of neurodivergency yet but I will try my best to be a good advocate and ally.

First thing I need to get out of the way. ADHD is a developmental disorder and it often manifests during childhood. There are three types of ADHD, predominantly inattentive, predominantly hyperactive-implusive, and combined ADHD. I will mostly be talking about predominantly hyperactive ADHD. However, ADHD manifests differently for different people, and there is a discrepancy between afab and amab and how ADHD shows. If you have any questions I will be happy to answer to the best of my abilities

Okay now into why Dean Winchester has ADHD!

Hyperactivity

One of the most common symptoms of ADHD is restlessness and fidgeting. From the very beginning we can see that Dean fits into this category. Luckily for him, life on the road allows him to get out a lot of the restless energy and need to move. But it wasn't always like that. For example in season 1, episode 18, Something Wicked this Way Comes, Dean talks about himself as a kid and says. “It was the third night in this crap motel room and I was climbing the walls. I had to get some air.” he describes going against John's orders because he physically could not stay inside the motel anymore.

Another example of this is in season 2, episode 7, The Usual Suspects. We can see as Dean tried to wait for Sam but quickly gets bored and begins to make noises before quickly getting up and leaving

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Yet another example in season 5, episode 21, Two Minutes to Midnight. During the montage where Sam and Dean are watching the surveillance footage Dean is shown to have gotten up and paced around the room, all while Sam has barely moved. There's other examples of this when Dean has to wait for something, he quickly gets bored and will typically fidget to some extent.

Sensory processing

People with ADHD often struggles with sensory processing, Dean himself exhibits some of these traits through physical sensibility. One of the most recurring examples of this is his love for good water pressure. The first time he made a remark on it being in Season 1's Bugs. He also exhibits having an oral fixation in the earlier seasons, specifically season 1 (god I love season 1 Dean). His oral fixation can still be seen in later seasons it's just not as noticable.

Dean also exhibits having happy stims

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

For those of you who don't know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulation and usually involves repetitive sounds and/or motions, such as hand flapping. Everyone stims, it's just more common place for neroudivergent people.

Easily Distracted

While yes, Dean can very easily maintain focus while on a hunt, he is also, just as.essily distracted. At multiple points throughout the series we can see Dean wandering off and looking at things in people's houses, getting distracted by photographs, food, etc.

Getting distracted by a rubber band

Regarding Dean also shows a lot of Dean getting easily distracted, which could have easily been part of the spell but I also think it was partially his ADHD

Views of the World in Black and White

A less commonly known symptom of ADHD is viewing the world in Black and White, Good and Evil, etc. This is pretty prevalent in Dean's character, in particular season 7 episode 3, The Girl Next Door. Despite Sam vouching for Amy and saying she's not evil, Dean still goes and.kills her. While I'm not defending his actions here it shows that he struggles with the concept of a grey area, and this is shown throughout all 15 seasons.

Impulsive actions

Ah yes, what would Dean Winchester be without his reckless and impulsive decision making? It should come as no surprise to any fan of Supernatural that Dean is often prone to impulsive decision making, whether it be from suddenly yanking down his pants and yelling "Pudding" to saying yes to Michael. Dean's always had a problem with making impulsive decisions, and it tends to come back and bite him in the ass.

Some other specific examples of his impulsive decision making: telling Cassie about the life after only knowing her for two weeks (also their relationship and his attachment to her is another aspect of ADHD which I will touch on later), midnight drives in Baby, going to a Jayhawks game on a whim, leaving in the middle of the night to go somewhere, making a demon deal, the list goes on really.

Executive Dysfunction

Executive dysfunction is a very common trait of ADHD, and while it may not be super noticable Dean does exhibit some traits of it. Part of why this particular symptom may not appear a lot is because of their lifestyle, with constantly being on the move, up until they got the bunker, they didn't have very many belongings to make a mess. However, one of the first examples of this is in season 2 episode 15, Tall Tales, Sam is shown to be nagging Dean about the mess he's made and the food and socks lying around everywhere. And while Dean normally keeps a clean room, there are times where he seems to lack the executive function to keep it clean

Poor Emotional Regulation

Another big shocker, I know. It is very common for those who have ADHD to have poor emotional regulation. This is shown quite often in the case of Dean, from his fits of anger that lead to physical altercations, emotional outlashes, to the destruction of several innocent lamps.

He is also shown to have frequent mood swings and a constantly changing sense of self. It's also no secret that Dean has a low self-esteem which is another common trait of ADHD.

One of the most harmful traits of ADHD that can manifest is substance abuse. This is shown in abundance as Dean's go to coping mechanism as seen with his alcoholism. Adults with ADHD are also 14% more likely to try and commit suicide, which sadly, has happened on more than one occasion on the show with Dean.

Another symptom of ADHD is dwelling on emotions and the past. Dean is commonly shown to be dwelling on his past mistakes and guilt, which I mean, it's understandable.

He also seems to suffer from RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria). This is a common trait in ADHD but is less commonly talked about. RSD essentially means that you are more prone to being affected by other people's perceptions of you and use it as a reflection of yourself. This is commonly shown with Dean and how he is constantly trying to appease his father and Sam. It's also part of his codependency issues and why he pushes people away.

Hyperfixations and Focus

A common trait of ADHD is the inability to focus on things that do not interest the person; on the flip side is the ability to hyper focus, or 'fixate' on things that are of great interest to them. In Dean's case this extends to his music, his car, cowboys, movies, and tv shows such as Dr. Sexy and Scooby Doo. In things that he has an interest in not only does he show over excitement to it but also extensive knowledge of the subject. Such as:

"Because I swore part of what makes Dr. Sexy sexy is the fact that he wears cowboy boots, not tennis shoes!"

Another example being in season 14, episode 4 Mint Condition, and his extensive knowledge of the hatchet man movies. Or literally anytime cowboys are mentioned

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There are literally so many examples about his knowledge of cowboys lol

Relationships

While Dean was quite the "lady's man" in earlier seasons he had very few meaningful relationships throughout the series. While part.of that is no doubt due to the life they led, some of it was caused by his symptoms of ADHD and Dean's unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Cassie- as I mentioned earlier, Dean's decision to tell Cassie about the life is part of what caused this relationship to fail. Another factor was probably because of how quickly and strongly Dean latched onto her emotionally, had he not felt like he loved her he would have never told her about the life.

Lisa- Dean's inability to rely on Lisa and feeling like he was the sole caretaker of their family was part of what led to the downfall of that relationship

Both of these issues stem from symptoms of adhd, in particular RSD.

Another example is his relationship with Cas, he is constantly pushing Cas away and hurting him by lashing out in fear of rejection. His emotional outbursts and impulsiveness has caused more than a few bumps in their relationship. The same can be said for Sam as well as his other friendships.

In conclusion...

Dean has ADHD. While I don't mean to make this seem all doom and gloom there are negative aspects of ADHD that aren't as often discussed that I wanted to talk about in this post. I also tried to highlight some of the positives. Either way I love Dean Winchester.

But now it is 11 at night and I need to start my homework that is due tomorrow, please wish me luck lmao (also I know I didn't cover everything but I didn't want to make this too long)

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friendofflowersandfrogs · 3 years

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Guys I may need a ~little~ help

Idek im having a small itty bitty little crisis over here???? This is (surprisingly) the best place to get advice so here I am.

I may be a *tad* neurodivergent. Ik ik what a big deal /s but here's the thing. I really don't want to be one of those annoying people who appropriate culture or smith or diagnose myself with things to be *special* ya know? But the more I think about it, the more I relate to a lot of the things

1. no me like prolonged eye contact. Especially with a stranger. Its just... awkward and doesn't feel right. I've always just bowed my head in recognition or respect or smth to avoid it im just now realizing.

2. I need escapism to live

3. Sorta related to 2-- I make like alternate versions of myself that I want to be. Not like DID, more like persona's that I'll role-play when I can't handle my real life. That could be normal

4. I do not tick but if I hear a funky sound you better be sure I will try to mimic it without thinking and fail

5. continuing on with #4, randomly drumming my hands on my thighs really fast is very fun and soothing??? especially when tongue trilling???

6. This could be normal too but I need physical contact to express love and affection like, platonic too my friends please sit on my lap or sit shoulder to shoulder with me its so calming

7. loud noises are a no. especially if its a lot of loud noise. I don't do the thing where I hear it all individually or smth but for me it just blurs together until I can't think and it low-key hurts?

8. I didn't used to stim but after I met my bff who did I would just naturally do it with her when I got excited and now I do it normally whenever I feel a really overpowering emotion. I didn't mean to do it in a mocking way or anything it just felt natural and idk

9. I don't hyperfixtate but I like reverse hyperfixtate where I get super duper duper in love with a piece of media and it consumes my thoughts for about a week (or a day or a month) and then it's gone and replaced by the next. I can have the same interest multiple times tho.

10. weighted blankets and blanket burritos are crucial to life.

11. I have realized (don't kill me) I'm unusually smart for my grade? didn't know this until this year but yeah ig things just click in my weird brain in ways it doesn't for others. idk if this is a sign or not.\

12. I fucking need my schedule. If someone asks me to do a relatively large task right then I will have a breakdown cuz it wasn't in my schedule. Idk why I have this but I need my pattern and routine and order yall

13. no me like making new friends. like I wanna im just not good at saying words. not that my stutter is bad (I do have a small one tho when im emotional) but words just don't come to mind and I'm not very funny so I just...dont. connecting with people hard.

14. fidget and stim activities are the best ok. I fiddle with the pop socket on my phone constantly

I'm not sure tho. Cuz my best friend in the whole world who has comprised of much of the important stuff in my life is autistic and maybe I accidentally absorbed some stuff like osmosis over the years we've been close so it might not be real. And if I am, I'm either really low on the spectrum or high-functioning (or both?) bc a lot of things im good at, like social cues, so maybe im not. I'm also not very educated I'm just pointing out things ive noticed that nuerodivergents mention that I do too.... I mean no offense to anybody I just wanna know some opinions? is there a chance im not actually nuerotypical? help

#autism #autism spectrum disorder #nuerodivergent #help #hemera rambles

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spectrumed · 3 years

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7. identity

The aesthetic of suffering, the allure of victimhood, it’s important to acknowledge that to many people, the idea of struggling with mental illness is hot. A common trope in teen dramas is the existence of the sexy bad boy haunted by demons of depression or addiction or some other psychological malady. Women with mental illness tend to be sexualised, less, but then again, women are most typically always sexualised, no matter the state of their mental health. But it’s not just a case of some people finding mental illness to be attractive in others, many see mental illness in themselves as something to take pride in, to celebrate and nurture. To seek out a diagnosis, to infiltrate communities that exist to provide support to those in need, and to declare themselves as being special. Fakers, you could call them. Yes, we’re going to be entering into dangerous grounds here, talking about a potentially incendiary topic that might feed the flames of controversy, but it’s a topic worth discussing. Self-diagnosis. Is self-diagnosis valid or not? Should one self-diagnose? Is it ableism to be against self-diagnosis? Is it ableism to be for self-diagnosis? Is it ableism itself ableist? I don’t know, sweetheart, you are asking a whole bunch of questions and I am hungover… But let’s go on rambling about what it means to be labelled neurodivergent.

Do you have an identity? Do you root for a particular sports team? Do you like a particular kind of music? Do you dance a lot? Are you a dancer? What are you? Simply stating that you’re just “a human” probably won’t do. Sure, it’s correct, but I am also a human, and we could be two very different kinds of people. Your identity should be that certain something that makes you stand apart from the rest, that distinguishes you from the squirming mass of flesh that is the whole of humanity. There are plenty of things about you that do figure in your identity, even though you wish it didn’t. You’re black, you don’t wish to always be “that black guy over there,” but you’ve come to realise that’s just how society views you. Maybe you are a transwoman, and you very eagerly want your friend to stop introducing you as her “trans bestie.” You’re just a woman, you don’t need her to keep labelling you as trans, even though that's what you are. There are many ways we can change our identity through direct personal action. Maybe you could start wearing a hat, and be known as “that hat guy” to the people you work with. Maybe you could embrace a punk aesthetic, looking like young Johnny Rotten stepped into a time machine and got transported to the current day. Actions like these can have a big or small impact on how others see you, but it feels good to be able to make a decision like that and get a response. This is me, this is what I am. I’m the guy who wears bow-ties, don’t I look cool? If only shaping your sense of self always came down to personal decisions like that. You don’t always have a choice.

I’ve lately been watching some Conan O’Brien (American TV talk show host who’s recently decided not to be a TV talk show host) clips. I am sure I don’t need to explain who Conan O’Brien is to my readers, but just in case this is being read by aliens ten-thousand years from now, what I can tell you is that Conan O’Brien is well known for being freakishly tall. Like, really tall. He’s an elongated leprechaun. He’s turned being tall into one of his trademarks. Like many comedians, he’s come to use his corporeal form as a source for levity and fun. While, naturally, the man did not choose to grow as tall as he did, he’s come around to use his height not as a hindrance to success, but rather as an asset. He’s “that tall irish guy on the TV,” and he’s been that person for nearly thirty years. It pays to have some distinguishing feature if you wish to be distinguished. Mr. Joe Average might be perfectly funny and charming, but being an average-looking guy can be wholly detrimental in making a career for yourself as a funnyman. At least get yourself some weird voice, or something. Maybe pretend to be some foreigner and put on a fake accent. As a comedian your job is to be exploited, you wish to be made into a commodity to be sold. People will want to watch your special because of that funny face you pull in the thumbnail. To be different can be financially lucrative.

What’s the best approach in turning something that could be perceived as an abnormal feature into something that is beneficial to you? To make jokes about it? Certainly, if I were to meet a man with a heavily scarred face, I feel there’d likely be a tension between me and him that could be dispelled if that man with the heavily scarred face made some little joke about his appearance, some little quip. “I’m sorry, I cut myself shaving this morning,” would do. The person isn’t obliged to justify his existence to me, he does not have to go out of his way to make me feel less uncomfortable. I am the one in the wrong, certainly. I shouldn’t look at a person with a heavily scarred face and feel uncomfortable, that’s me letting prejudices get in the way, I know that. But, it is what it is. If you’re looking for a practical solution, telling people to simply get over themselves and learn to not be so awkward around folks with physical deformities won’t do. It may be the right thing, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. I am sure that the man with the heavily scarred face isn’t interested in being defined by his heavily scarred face. He's probably sick and tired of that little joke, and wish he didn’t have to make it. But it does the job. Suddenly, you are not looking at something to be feared, the other, you are looking at a person, and someone with a sense of humour. The importance of humour in eradicating stigma, making it possible for the ostracised to enter in society, cannot be understated. Through humour, you can convince most everyone that you are someone worthy of inclusion, because… well, you’re just a funny guy, who doesn’t wanna hang out with you?

For those who have grown up not feeling normal, worrying that there are aspects of your character that others may perceive as unwanted, the yearning to be liked can at times become excruciating. I like to consider myself a funny person, while this blog isn’t intended to be a humorous one, occasionally small little jokes will squirm their way to the top, like worms coming up to the surface during a rainstorm. I am also a cartoonist, and produce a new cartoon every other day. My humour isn’t universal, no good humour ever is universal, but it’s done good in getting some folks to like me. Some people want to be admired, some people want to be feared. I only want to be liked. The one thing I absolutely do not want to be is pitied. I don’t want your pity, I fear your pity.

You’re probably familiar with The Sims, right? It’s a life simulation game, where you control a little digital human, known as a sim, and try to help them make the right decision through life. Each sim has a number of meters that measures their current needs. Hunger, hygiene, energy, if they need to urinate or defecate (though, frankly, the distinction between the two isn’t made in the game, so one can assume that sims are like birds and have just one cloaca that does both,) and so on. One of these meters is for social activities. If a sim hasn’t been social in a while, they go nutty. What’s interesting here, the reason why I bring it up, is that in real life, though we all (to a lesser or greater degree) crave to socialise with others, what kind of socialising you do is of a very big importance. There are a myriad of ways in which one can be social, and depending on your needs at the time, one kind of socialising may not do, whereas another kind of socialising may be just what you need. Do you want to hang out with your pals, cracking jokes and maybe drinking a couple of beers? Do you want to have a serious conversation with your partner about what you wish to accomplish together? Do you want to play with your dog? These different social situations scratch different parts of your mind, and you can’t just substitute one for the other and think that’s all alright. A person may have tonnes of friends, lots of buddies to spend their time with, but they may still desperately be yearning for another kind of social interaction, one that none of their friends can deliver. The human need for company is more complex than how it is depicted in The Sims… which, to be fair, probably shocks nobody. The Sims doesn’t pretend that it’s some highly realistic simulation of real life, it’s a game meant to be played for fun. But what’s important here is the fact that while humans do have a need to be social, how that need is fed changes dramatically on the person, and their conditions. Socialising that may bring comfort to one person, may bring discomfort to another person.

I don’t want you to pity me. I may list my diagnoses, I may tell you of the difficulties that I face in life, but I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I want you to be entertained reading this, I don’t want to make you weep thinking about how cruel life can be. I don’t want you thinking I’m special, or different, because of my diagnoses. I want you to think I’m special and different because of my writing. Sure, this blog is about living with autism spectrum disorder, but I don’t want you reading this blog just because it’s about autism spectrum disorder. I want you to read this because, while it is about a diagnosis you are interested in learning more about, you also find what I write to be well-written and at times, mildly humorous. This blog isn’t my rabid manifesto detailing all the ways my life sucks, and what must be done by society to appease me. Nah, I’m doing relatively fine, don’t feel bad for me, please. I don’t want that kind of attention. I do want attention, I won’t lie and tell you that I don’t have an ego, or that I don’t get pleased seeing people like the things I put out there. I do have a social need, it’s just that being pitied does not do it for me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel sad. It really makes me feel mad.

We’re finally getting around to the topic I promised I would discuss. Self-diagnosis. A principal concern people have with self-diagnosis is that people only self-diagnose in order to receive pity from others. The difference between someone like me, who’s got a proper official diagnosis, and someone who is self-diagnosed, is that I don’t want your pity. I don’t want you to fetishise my diagnosis, this thing about me that I did not choose to be. I don’t want special favours just because of my diagnosis, I don’t want to be known as “that cartoonist with autism.” I am autistic, I’ve come to accept that, but I don’t want anyone to introduce me as “their friend who’s on the spectrum.” Some may accuse me of self-loathing, treating being autistic like some bad thing that I am ashamed of. But that’s not it. After all, I did start this blog to discuss what it is like. I just don’t want to be defined by this certain something that lies outside of my control. I don’t want it to be my “thing.” I don’t mind being referred to as a hairy cartoonist, because I am pretty hairy. I don’t want to cut my hair any time soon (especially with this plague going around.) No-one would pity me just because I am hairy. At most they may regard me as a good-for-nothing beatnik, and I’m okay with that. Ideally, I still want to be liked, but anything is better than being pitied. To be pitied is to be robbed of your own agency, your own potential. Sure, it gets you that attention you may be craving, but at the cost of infantilization. Autistic people often struggle with being infantilized by society, to the point where some folks don’t even realise that there are autistic grown-ups in the world. Anyone who would voluntarily seek out a diagnosis just to be pitied, well… it doesn’t sit right with me. It makes me, quite frankly, feel demoralised.

But not all people self-diagnose just to get pity from others, right? For some it’s genuinely their only option, likely living in a barely-functioning country like the United States where receiving psychiatric care is expensive and it’s just not something they can afford. It’s unfair of me to phrase self-diagnosing as just a quest to receive pity, it’s way more complicated than that. And yes, I’d have to agree. To know all the reasons why a person may self-diagnose, you have to go personally ask them. Even if it is possible to highlight a few certain trends, things that they all have in common, it’s bound to be impossible to make this one sweeping generalisation to explain everything. All I am saying is that there absolutely are those people who do self-diagnose with the explicit goal of getting pitied. Whether they are knowingly faking their condition or not, to them, being pigeonholed as a person with autism isn’t at all a negative. It’s their identity. It is how they have chosen to let the world see them. They made a choice. They chose this label. This is why many people who have official diagnoses are sceptical of those who've only got a self-diagnosis. Whether your self-diagnosis is accurate or not, in the end, you chose to identify yourself with it. You made a decision, oblivious of the fact that many people don’t get to make that kind of a decision, and they may bear resentment for how you are turning something they’ve faced ostracization for, into what is potentially on the same level as listening to a certain kind of music, or being a supporter of a sports team. A diagnosis is not something you should choose to have.

There are other things to say about self-diagnosis. First of all, it can be dangerous. Some of the diagnoses I’ve seen people give themselves are really serious, things like personality disorders or psychosis. Psychiatrists are very careful when putting these kinds of labels on people, knowing the harm that it can do. A diagnosis is meant to only be given after careful deliberation, and after long conversations with the patient. Psychiatrists know that reducing a person to a set of symptoms can have detrimental effects to that person’s sense of self. If you’re trying to cling on to a diagnosis, seeing it as a major part of your identity, then that may hamper any attempts you make to become a better person, to improve your mental health. You will feel as if you need to correspond to the exact specifications of the disorder, and you will not allow yourself to grow naturally as a complicated human being, a human being whose internal life is far too vast to be fully rounded up with some psychiatric jargon. There are plenty of things about me that do not line up with the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder, and guess what, that’s quite good actually. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have autism, I very much do, but I realise that as a person, I am more than just my diagnosis. The diagnosis does not define me, I define the diagnosis. If you self-diagnose, do you comprehend all that you are getting yourself into? Are you going to find yourself in psychological traps that will only serve to worsen your mental health? It’s hard to look at yourself objectively, you could easily be misrepresenting yourself inside your own mind. You may effectively be locking parts of yourself away, making it so you are no longer able to see the full you. You will no longer be all there, you will be segmented in favour of upholding the defining marks of a diagnosis that doesn’t suit you.

Instead of self-diagnosing, try doing a self-assessment. Keep in mind that, while you may have this diagnosis, it’s too early to say for sure. You’re going to need somebody else’s input. You’ll need to sit with it for a while to see if it sticks. Keep an open mind, realise that there’s no easy way to explain exactly who you are, or what you are like. It’s very possible that you will come to realise that you are in fact autistic, or have whatever other diagnosis you may suspect describes you. I, after all, came to the conclusion that I was autistic before I got the diagnosis (though, I was going to therapy at that point, and I was on the way to undergo a neuropsychiatric evaluation.) It’s not bad to try and get to understand yourself, don’t come out of this thinking that self-reflection is only possible with a psychiatrist looming over you, telling you how to think about things. We all need to come to certain conclusions over how we self-identify, and sometimes you need to take mental leaps to explain certain things. Just don’t feel as if your best option is to put a label on yourself that can potentially negatively affect your psychological well-being. If you are truly searching for understanding, if your goal is to find out more about yourself, you should act with caution and concern for what you are doing. If all you are looking for is to have people pity you, then… well… I don’t know what to say, really…

#neurodivergent #neurodiversity #autism spectrum disorder #autism #aspergers #mental health #diagnosis

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seven-oomen · 4 years

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If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

These are the words that Marin Morrell – Druid, Emissary, Guidance Counselor – says to Stiles Stilinski in “Battlefield” (02x11) And I think they suit his character just perfectly, because Stiles has been going through Hell all his life.

The Teen Wolf Fandom don’t talk nearly enough about Stiles’ traumas, so I’ll try my best to do it myself *I won’t even remotely touch on the Void Stiles, Dark Stiles, Donovan and the Nogitsune trauma though, because it’s extremely complex and deserves its own Meta*

It’s Canon that Noah was an alcoholic (as Rafael pointed out to Stiles in 03x11 Alpha Pact), that he neglected and lashed out at his own child (Stiles’ memory in 02x09 Party Guessed), and that Stiles was verbally, emotionally, and physically abused by his mentally ill mother, Claudia, throughout his childhood (there’s a whole magnificently acted, heart wrenching scene about it with flashbacks and all in 05x06 Required Reading.) It’s Canon that Stiles had to take care of himself and of his father before AND after Claudia’s death. And it’s Canon that Stiles – who was only an eight years old child at the time – was at the hospital with his mother when she died, nobody else:

[Teen Wolf Season 3 Episode 11, Alpha Pact]

CHRIS: You knew… I remember meeting you once, before you were Sheriff. You questioned me about a body. You knew something was up. You just weren’t ready to believe it.

NOAH: You’re right. There was a night eight years ago… the night my wife died. I was at the end of a shift, and a call came in. There had been a pile-up, and a young woman… she was a teenager, actually. She was trapped under an overturned car. We had to wait for the paramedics. We were never getting her out, but I was able to hold her hand. She knew she was gonna die. But I just kept telling her “No, no, listen. The paramedics are on their way.” And then I remember her hand suddenly gripped mine so tightly that I literally thought she was gonna break the bones. And she looked me in the eyes, and she said “If you wanna be with her, go now.” And I knew she was talking about my wife… But then that other part of my brain — the part that looks for clues, for fingerprints, for logical connections… that part told me that there is no way that this girl could possibly know about Claudia. And so I stayed. I stayed until the paramedics pulled her out. Until her heart stopped beating and they declared her dead.

NOAH: When I finally got to the hospital, I saw Stiles sitting in the waiting room with his head in his hands… He was with Claudia when she died.

NOAH: But I wasn’t. I wasn’t with her because I didn’t believe… I just did not believe.

It’s also Canon that Derek Hale is a rape victim and that the hunters slaughtered Derek, Cora and Peter’s entire pack/family (including humans and children.) And it’s Canon that Stiles immediately sides with the Hales and openly confronts Chris about what Kate had done to the Hales in 01x12, Code Breaker:

CHRIS: Let me ask you a question, Stiles. Have you ever seen a rabid dog?

STILES: No. I could put it on my to-do list, if you just let me go.

CHRIS: Well, I have. And the only thing I’ve ever been able to compare it to is seeing a friend of mine turn on a full moon. Do you wanna know what happened?

STILES: Not really. No offense to your storytelling skills.

CHRIS: He tried to kill me, and I was forced to put a bullet in his head. The whole while that he lay there dying, he was still trying to claw his way toward me, still trying to kill me, like it was the most important thing he could do with his last breath. Can you imagine that?

STILES: No. And it sounds like you need to be a little bit more select—

CHRIS: Did Scott try to kill you on the full moon? Did you have to lock him up?

STILES: Yeah, I did. I had to handcuff him to a radiator. Why? Would you prefer I locked him in the basement and burned the whole house down around him?

CHRIS: I hate to dispel a popular rumor, Stiles, but we never did that.

STILES: Oh, right. Derek said you guys had a code. I guess no one ever breaks it.

CHRIS: Never!

STILES: What if someone does?

CHRIS: Someone like who?

STILES: Your sister.

Unlike self-proclaimed hero and ruler of Beacon Hills Scott McCall, who immediately sides with the Argents and tells Derek Hale that his family deserved to be burnt alive by the hunters in front of his comatose uncle………..

-----

I feel like there is a lot to unpack on Stiles’s trauma. And I will go over these moments one by one, why they’re damaging, what I think the context of the scene is supposed to represent ft how people might take it. And what my personal thoughts are regarding Stiles’s trauma.

First of, I would like to say that the following words are my take on this. I am a 29 year old trans man of caucasian descend who is an domestic violence and abuse survivor. I am diagnosed with ADHD since 12 and diagnosed with CPTSD since this year. I understand trauma and I understand what it does to people. But I am not a professional. I am a fan, who’s responding to the submission of another, anonymous, fan.

You are completely free to have your own takes on this matter and your own headcanons. That’s what fandom is for.

That said, I would love to have a discussion if you can have it peacefully.

Stiles is a character who was (Unwillingly) neglected, emotionally traumatized and both emotionally and verbally abused by both of his parents. There is even evidence of physical abuse by his mother.

I think it does need to be said, that neither of his parents intended for this to happen. What happened in the Stilinski family was by and large a very traumatic event for everyone involved.

Noah is an alcoholic, as Stiles also confirms in the episode that Noah never really stopped drinking. His alcoholism is a result of his own traumas and possible ND mind and an unhealthy coping mechanism.

As a result of this, Noah most likely was verbally and emotionally abusive during his drunken tirades.

I personally think that before Claudia was diagnosed and got sick Stiles had a good childhood. His parents tried their best to be good parents for him and laid a good foundation for him. This is evidenced in the bond Stiles seems to have with his father in general. He’s not afraid of his father, he’s nervous about consequences. But he never gives off a vibe to me that truly says; I fear this man and I have to stay in line to stay alive.

Unlike Isaac and his father.

This also tells me, that unlike Elias Stilinski, Noah never lashed out physically at Stiles. He was trying to break a cycle of abuse but more than likely still fell victim to it himself when he could no longer cope with trauma and his neurodivergency and started drinking.

That doesn’t mean that he’s not guilty of abusing his own son. We know Noah can be neglectful and dismissive towards Stiles (even though he tries his best not to be) and has a tendency to low key insult Stiles from time to time. Whether or not he truly means to or not is up for debate, I personally think he doesn’t mean to do it, but Stiles is clearly heartbroken every time Noah accidentally lashes out.

As evidenced by sentences: “I’ve never believed a word he said since he was born.” “Thank you, son I should have had.” (To Scott)

Stiles already has a deep founded fear that he’s not enough, that he killed his own mother, that he’s not believed by the people around him, and that people don’t want to take him seriously.

This is clear in every interaction he has with the people around him.

Which also brings me to what happened in 2x09. Now based on the context clues of that scene, I actually don’t believe Stiles saw a play-by-play memory. But rather, Stiles saw his greatest fear play out in a hallucination.

Why do I believe that?

Because in the same scene, Allison has a hallucination about becoming her own worst nightmare (a huntress like Kate) and Scott sees a hallucination of Allison and Jackson making out. (Aka, losing Allison.)

I think the scene both has fabrications and truths in it. The truth is that more than likely, Stiles saw his father getting drunk at his mother’s funeral and lashing out at people around him in his drunken stupor. (Which on one hand, one can understand if you take the pain and trauma into account, but it’s not a healthy or an okay thing to do, obviously. This is definitely where Noah fell apart.)

I also like to think one of the other adults put a stop to Noah’s behavior before he could get out of hand. But we never really see her funeral play out, so that is speculation.

The fabrication is the scene that follows. We know that Claudia was the one that actually said the words to Stiles. “You’re killing me, he’s killing me.”

And that Noah was the voice of reason in that scene. “No, he’s not. You’re sick, let’s go back inside.” (Or something along those lines. I can’t remember the exact words.)

What I think is more than likely is that Stiles’s greatest fear is that his father actually believes he killed his mother. As that is what his mother said to him before she died. And so that’s what he hallucinated under the influence of the wolfsbane.

Stiles’s greatest fear is losing both of his parents, no matter in what way that is. He also fears that he failed as a son, and failed to take care of his father. All of this is fueled by losing his mother and watching her die at a very young age.

And that is where Stiles’s trauma truly lies. He watched his mother die (at the age of 10) slowly while she lost her mind to a terrible illness.

His father couldn’t handle losing his wife and not being able to help her and the previous traumas he endured in his own childhood. And Stiles had to step up to take care of him. That changes a child and leaves a mark. A mark that Stiles can’t shake.

We know Noah neglected Stiles by not being able to care for him as he should have, we know Noah tends to think Stiles has wild conspiracy theories and tends not to believe him.

Which traumatized Stiles even though Noah didn’t intend for that to happen. That doesn’t mean that Stiles’s trauma isn’t real though. It’s very real. This is also the reason why he immediately chooses Derek’s side in 1x12.

For Stiles, not being believed is a daily reality and he doesn’t want anyone else to go through that as well. Which is why he chooses Derek’s side. Because Stiles, due to his own trauma, is hard-wired to believe the victim and tends to defend them.

Now I think a lot of people take a lot of Stiles’s scenes literal because they identify with what’s happening on screen. Because Stiles isn’t being believed by the other characters, the audience tends to take his perspective at face value. Even in situations where it’s made clear that Stiles, like other characters, is hallucinating at the time.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but I do think it’s something to consider.

Tagging a few people who might want to add a thought or two to this.

@mostly-vo1d @artemisa97 @msmischief101

#stiles stilinski #teen wolf #teen wolf meta #trauma #ptsd discussion #submission

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