#also i had like lunch and 3 snacks for the meds so.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

okay either there's a spy in the house or, like, they wired my phone camera, because how is it that any time i'm too tired/in pain/not feeling up for food, my parents ask "how are you? have you been eating?" moments after i make the decision?

Iike. i don't post pics on my normal insta acc. i don't post them anywhere. i barely take pics at all. and i don't do videocalls. how the fuck? seriously.

[ellaa-writes]

Henlo!! I just saw ur doctor/medic reader story and i feel like they would all want to hear the absolute crazy cases and gossip from reader

Im a student and i work in a large hospital/shadowing some doctors aswell and someday’s these crazy things happen randomly. In the least expected ways. From getting a sudden code stroke to seeing 🪱🪱on body parts to hospital staffs gossips in the med room. Its so random sometimes.

Imagine doctor reader casually telling the time she caught so and so cheating in an empty room in between 2 codes. And shes so chill about it like shes seen and heard enough but the Kortac officers r eating it up like listening to Nurse John’s podcasts😂

Reader: yk this reminds me of the time i did my trauma rotation in—

Konig: wait! Let me get my snacks and tea👀☕️

Hello!! Thank you <3 This is so silly I love it. Decided to have fun with it. It's kinda gross but hey that's what happens. Lol.

It's going to be a rough day, you thought. Not even 2 hours into your shift you had two concussed idiots sitting in your waiting room. This is gonna be a long one, you started at noon and won't be done till 4am the next morning.

Clutching your coffee you prayed for a miracle, an alien ship or a metor. Either one would do.

Later that evening, specifically dinner time. You were the last to arrive, having to help hold down a patient as another medic stitched up a gash on his forehead.

"I know, I know." you said as you sat you lunch down in front of your chair. Running off to grab a much needed coffee. It was your turn for the over night shift. It wasn't a bad shift, just babysitting the wounded soldiers that are currently being held. Coming back and setting yourself into your spot, digging into your food without a cause to the wind.

"You guys won't believe my day." you started off, slurping down your heart spaghetti. "Some rookies decided to play chicken and now they both have a concussion. And one probably memory loss. Couldn't even tell me his name." you shook your head, recalling the incident. "Than Hutch came in, complaining that he can feel worms crawling in him. I had to explain four times to that dense mother fucker that worms can not survive stomach acid." you stopped to take a big gulp of coffee. "But he wouldn't listen, said it wasn't in his stomach but inside his skin. Ran some blood tests and no hallucinogenic. But he could have fooled me." you didn't realise you were blabbing until you looked up from your plate to see a few of your team members surpressing their laughs.

"What?" you asked, mouth full of spaghetti. "Why don't you chew a bit more." one of them offered. Making the other laugh, "Oh fuck off." you spat. "Anyways, had to give Hutch an xray just to prove there's no damn worms in him." you explained.

"An xray? Does that-" you cut them off. "No, not at all. But it shut him up." they all bursted out laughing. "It reminds me of a patient I had back at the ER. Complaining about his ass itching. The other nurses weren't taking him seriously. Just sent him to the bathroom with some baby wipes." you stopped abruptly, this might not be a good dinner story.

"Oh come on Katze, don't get all shy on us now." König said, you didn't even notice he was there. You also didn't notice the rest of the mess hall getting quiet to listen to your story.

"Oh, well we're eating." you tried to explain but was met with loud booing. "Fine, fine." you yelled back. Wiping your mouth, your food finished, you pushed the tray away from you.

"Ok, so they sent him to the bathroom and he came back later saying he can still feel them."

"Them?" Horangi interrupted, and was followed by shushing. "Damn, sorry. Continue." he slinked back into his chair.

" So they put him in a room, told him to strip from the waist down. Another trainee and myself were assigned to this case along with a RN. She had him lay on the side has she spread his ass cheeks. Like you would a child." you stopped from dramatic affect. Watching as your tream and the rest of mess hall looked on in anticipation.

"We saw nothing. So she took a swab, had me spread this grown man's cheeks as she inserted it into the recum, shoveling out what ever was in side. Still nothing." a few people got up and left and others choking back a gag.

"She wet had him pop a squat over the trash can and cough. Sure enough a worm came shooting out. So did some green chunks, thankfully they were just some cucumbers. Guess the guy stole a cucumber from his neighbors garden not knowing it was infested with worms. He shoved the thing right up and it broke. He was like that for 2 weeks, worms up the ass. Still not the craziest thing I experienced, let me tell your that." you reached for your tray, but König took it for your instead.

"A cucumber up the ass?" Horangi asked. "I've seen people shove all sorts of thing up their butt. Idk what it is or why but it's way to common." you threw your finished coffee cup in the trash.

"Sorry I gotta get back. The results for mister chicken should be in by now." you said you goodbyes and waved to others, rushing out of the lunch hall.

"What a women." König said, hearts in his eyes.

[fryingpan1234567]

yeah, more of these…

Batboys x reader feat. living together bc I don’t see enough headcanons about that (in some you’re a super and in some you’re not)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dick Grayson/ Nightwing

We’re imagining a Matt Murdock style Manhattan apartment, with entire walls made of murky glass, limited amount of walls within the place, very nice. It’s in Blüdhaven (:

There are two bedrooms. The two of you live in the smaller one and the master is for superhero stuff

All your tech, suits, files, medical, all that

The ceiling in your room is glass!!

The doggo is a black German Shepherd with a white patch on his chest that looks like the Nightwing symbol, which is the entire reason you got him. His name is Eagle :D

No matter where you work, the two of you take your lunches together every day and get coffee before work if there’s enough time. You picked this place because it’s close to both your jobs, obvi

As far as decor goes, there are a few high-humidity plants, neutral and blue tones, and cool metal

It’s always humid in your place for the plants, but it’s nice

Rainforest vibes, especially when it’s raining

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jason Todd/ Red Hood

So many books

All the books

Everywhere

Y’all’s live out kind of in the middle of nowhere so it’s easier to retreat and lay low when necessary

Bout an hour out of Gotham

That’s Albus Dumbledore, the Great Dane

Alby for short cause she’s actually a girl but Jay wasn’t budging on that name

Kitty is Angelica

Anyways it’s nice and quiet out there, no city noises or being constantly worried about a stray bomb being thrown in a window

Every goddamn cup or container in your house is a mason jar

Plates and bowls are literally just hammered out sheets of scrap metal

It’s an aesthetic tbh

Plenty of succulents

Anyways the library? Massive

The kitchen? Top of the line

Maybe you two live out in the middle of nowhere, but no way in hell do you pass up the opportunity to abuse Bruce’s money to build a kickass house with all your favorite things

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tim Drake/ Red Robin

Tim wanted to stay close to Bruce, as he is still a Robin

So y’all’s are only like a ten minute drive from the manor

Two doggos!! Rapunzel and Rella. They are both trained service dogs for anxiety and PTSD, for you and Tim both. Damian helped Bruce find them for you when the two of you moved in :DD

You have a smaller apartment, but it’s close to the top of the building and you actually get to see the Gotham sun sometimes

Whenever Rella or Rapunzel knows Tim’s been on his computer too long, or you’re hyperfixated on a case, or neither of you have slept in a while, they’ll drag you away from your work for a walk or a nap or food

Da best guard dogs :3

MOVING AWAY FROM THE DOGS

The house has quite the modern vibe going

Bright colors, cool shapes, sensible uses of space

Yes, the loft king bed is a real thing

Although sometimes you guys end up sleeping in the living room with a blanket fort bc your dogs can’t follow you up the ladder

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Damian Wayne/ Robin

First and foremost: Playdough’s rainbow spots are just dye; she’s fine I promise

Dami brought Titus and Alfred, obviously, but sadly Batcow had to stay at the manor. The condo building owners didn’t like the idea of that; a Great Dane is barely allowed as it is

The other cat is Cookie!! She’s nice but you and Dami tell everyone she’s mean so when they get affection they feel all warm inside [:

Keep in mind these guys are the only permanent ones- you foster all kinds of animals, including more dogs and cats, chinchillas, guinea pigs, rabbits, birds, even a bat once

Dami also had to stay close to the manor for Robin purposes. You guys are a few minutes away

There are little weapons and med kits and snacks (human and pet) scattered all over your place

Everything is so dark at your place so bloodstains are less noticable

(Dami tends to stumble through a window at like four in the morning, potentially with stab or gunshot wounds and bleeds all over the place)

If you’re a nurse, the stitching up came easy

If you’re not… you had to learn pretty fast

But hey it’s not all bad you’ve got four emotional support animals and a giant tv to watch Nat Geo on

[jodiellie]

Day 5: Trying to be more consistent (in 1 thing at least-) (17/5/2024)

Health

Water intake: 970 mL

Sleep: 3:30am - 11:30am (slightly later than yesterday but not too big of a diff~)

Daily vitamin C intake ✅

Allergy meds ❌

Managed to exercise today! Had to take more breaks than the actual vid but issokie, it's only the 2nd time I've exercised in a long time afterall~

Link below for the exercise + stretching I did!

Train ABS & LEGS like Kpop Idols - 20 min Intense Burn, No Jumping, No Equipment

10 min Full Body Stretch (Daily Routine for Cool Down, Flexibility, Mobility & Relaxation) ~ Emi

Mind

Played Sky: Children of the Light with my friend again teehee <3

Played a bit of The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt too! It's been in my library collecting dust for ages since my old laptop couldn't handle the game, so am glad I got to play it after I got a better one!

Food

Lunch: Egg, cheese, and hashbrown wrap + coffee ☕

Dinner: Claypot rice with chicken + a can of coke (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)

Snacks: My leftover strawberry soju birthday cake + milk heh

School/Career

Had an online replacement class today (because my lecturer said they can't make it on the actual first day of class lmao)

Asked my friend to recommend me some part time jobs to do in the mean time since I have more free time this semester :>

Chores/Tasks

Finally did my laundry after a week, phew!

⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆

Notes

Initially I was getting lazy and didn't want to do anything, but I haven't been doing much physical activity other than stretching so I pushed myself to do a workout! (๑>◡<๑) I'm glad I did because I feel good mentally afterwards so yippee! I've also improved slightly in my water intake, so good job me :D Also managed to do a chore that I've been putting off for a week, so am proud of myself for being able to get around to it without reminders from the people around me! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ Forgot my allergy meds tho oops~

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in - August 7th, 2023 🎀

So, it's been an emotional last two weeks. Mental illness is never a fun thing. I slipped off from taking my meds and as a result became inconsistent with my goals and daily routines. I felt powerless to myself. I stayed in bed as much as possible, cried constantly, and had no energy for even the simplest of tasks.

But, I'm feeling better, and I even accomplished some of my goals/daily habits today! I managed to begin taking my meds again, and am still in contact with my therapist. I'm bound to have rough days, rough weeks, and even rough months. I just remind myself that it's okay to feel these rough moments for what they are, but to not let it make me spiral or keep me held down. I believe in my ability to care for myself, and listen to my current needs when I am in a depressive state as I have been. There's nothing wrong with low energy days. There's nothing wrong with needing a break. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. 🩷

🩷 What I Ate Today:

Breakfast - Was not feeling it today but needed to eat for my medication, so I had three hashbrown patties with some ketchup. And, of course, a cup of coffee.

Lunch - A delicious turkey and cheddar lunchable with one serving of lightly salted cashews. The lighter the lunch, the less tired I am when I get off my lunch break.

Dinner - I ordered some domino's pizza and cheesy bread because I was craving it, only ate 2 slices of both but it was sooo good and now I have leftovers!

Snacks - One cup of coffee after I got off work and a few bites of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, which is currently my favorite ice cream.

Water ~ not enough, I made the mistake of forgetting a reusable water bottle when I went to work, so I didn't really start drinking water until like, 10am.

It's not my cleanest, healthiest, or best eating day, but I'm happy that I listened to what I wanted. Not every day will be like this, and that's okay. Moderation and balance are key <3

🩷 Workouts - Pilate Abs

Again, I love this one to start of my ab day! arts easy enough for my little plus sized self to accomplish and makes me feel proud for even attempting thus video and completing a workout!

I also love this one by Madeleine as well, her workout videos honestly just click with me and I am here for it! This one wasn't completed fully as I have a bit of trouble completing plank exercises, but as I continue to build strength and better my form, I know I'll get to a point where they will become easier

🩷 Habits I Accomplished Today -

Made my bed

Morning workout

Morning and Night Skincare

Morning guided journal

For my first day back on routine I'd say this is a win! Being able to complete any of my goals and habits for the day is definitely a good thing, and I'm proud of myself for accomplishing what I have today.

🩷 Song of the Day: Cake - ITZY

SHAKE IT SHAKE SHAKE IT SHAKE BUSS IT UP BUSS IT UP

My girl Yuna did so good in this song, and all of their outfits are cute and the energy is there and they all look so happy and this song makes me want to get up and dance. I may or may not be trying to learn Yuna's lil dance part....it's so satisfying to watch!!

That's all for today! Pretty proud of the way things have gone, and hopeful that tomorrow will also be a nice day for me. It feels good to be posting again!! I missed this <3

Til tomorrow, lovelies!!

[zuuriell]

i felt like doing something so imma do this for the month! i’ll put all my answers below the cut because it’ll probably get quite long lol

1. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (aka POTS)

2. well, it’s pretty complicated 😭 i’ve had some symptoms for probably like a year, but around late april/early may this year i couldn’t even shower or stand up too long from how bad it got. the uk healthcare system is absolute shit though, so even tho i’ve been a&e multiple times and tried to explain how much it’s all been affecting me, i still don’t get to see a cardiologist until february 2024 :( but we’ve ruled out other options of what it could be, and my mum’s cardiologist friend agreed when i said i thought i had POTS, and my GP agrees, and my potsie friends agree so i’m kinda like unofficially diagnosed as of now?

3. relating to the last point, i am not officially diagnosed yet because of the slow asf NHS so yeah :,) but i mean to figure out what i was experiencing was POTS, it did take me like 8 months? but probably around 10 for me to accept the fact that i most likely have it too 😭 an official diagnosis unless i can rack up the money to go private is probably gonna take me like another year at this rate, but hopefully it won’t be that long

4. i have to pick just one? LOL uhh probably the blood pooling! it’s so annoying because especially when im out and about, i can’t be with my legs in the air 24/7 so it’s always bound to happen. compression socks help but only to an extent, and it stops me from doing so muchhhh :( it means that queueing for things and standing for more than a couple minutes is so so much harder, and if i have too much blood pooling in one day then my can legs ache for DAYS after that. it’s so painful and annoying and just aaghhh i hate it

5. on a regular day: i wake up, chug water which i leave by my bed for the mornings, get out of bed slowly and walk downstairs to make breakfast. i chug electrolytes and go for a short dog walk, then come home to do schoolwork and my family make lunch/dinner so i don’t have to stand around too long. i’ll make sure i get any chores done that i can, and i’ll try to chill in the evening

on a bad day/flareup: i wake up a lot later, have my electrolytes with water and only get out of bed when i need to. i’ll do schoolwork from my bed (if i feel well enough to concentrate), and have salty snacks rather than proper meals, unless my family make me anything. i stretch from bed to combat deconditioning, and if i feel decent enough i can have a bath

6. i don’t have access to any specific medication unfortunately, so i currently just manage with painkillers when my chronic pain is extra bitchy + anti-nausea meds when i feel sicky

7. salt sachets (the little ones you get at like mcdonald’s and stuff) to shove in my purse/pocket in case symptoms flare while i’m out, compression garments, electrolyte tablets, and a recliner bed so i can raise my legs more when resting

8. electrolyte drinks!! not the tablets though (i hate the taste of all the tablets except like 1 lol) - my fav is making electrolyte drinks from scratch! at the moment i really love iced lemon water with honey and salt. i also saw smth about this fancy coconut water drink to make so i may try that and it may become my favourite :0

9. salty crackers, salt and vinegar/ready salted crisps, mcdonalds fries (stfu i know these aren’t healthy but they’re my favs 😭), pretzels, nuts

+ my fav foods to dump a bunch of salt on: pasta, veggies and dips (SALTED CUCUMBER IS SO GOOD), pizza, chips, soup, risotto, probs almost anything i eat tbh

10. i’ve only got one pair but i love them so shoutout to my knee-length black compression socks <3

11. i don’t have any 🥲 i really wish i could have a cane or maybe even a rollator but my family make fun of me and i can’t afford one lolsies

12. i try to do some stretching in bed so that i can safely work against deconditioning, keeping very hydrated, trying to stay upstairs as much as possible so i don’t have to suffer my staircase, asking family to make food for me so i can save energy, taking pain meds when needed, having a cold bath (if possible), trying to keep preoccupied with work if i can, but if not i’ll watch movies on my ipad and stuff

fun fact: i wrote this on a flare LOL so oddly fitting and now i’ve already made myself a plan for the next few days!

13. the thing that’s helped me most is accepting that something is wrong and remembering to listen to my body. going through life pretending that i’m perfectly abled and don’t have anything wrong causes much more harm to me than letting myself rest a few days. it definitely isn’t easy though - i still find myself getting stressed over work deadlines don’t get me wrong, but i’d like to think i’m getting better at adapting to things and noticing when a flare is coming on so i can be prepared to take the time for my body to rest.

14. chairs are your best friends now. i steal the chairs/stools from the kitchen table whenever i’m doing chores standing up for more than 30 seconds. compression socks also help! OOH and if you’re using hot water/heated stuff and struggle with temperature dysreg, i usually grab myself a cup of ice to munch on or an icepack to hold on my chest so that i don’t overheat :)

15. i’m afraid i don’t have much input for this as i left school for health reasons 😭 but i suppose keeping hydrated, getting accommodations such as not too many stairs + being allowed to take more days off to rest for flares, compression gear where possible, staying high on sodium + electrolytes, and extended deadlines would be good!

16. i’m gonna sound so silly for this but i love rewatching my comfort stuff. i’ve got my fav youtubers + fav films/series all compiled in a list, and i spin a wheel to decide which one i’m gonna watch! other activities i enjoy though are reading, playing video games, doing goofy quizzes online, chatting with friends, and going on pinterest sprees!

17. leading on from the last prompt, my fav is a marvel movie - tbh all of them bring me so much comfort but my favs are avengers, black widow, loki and any of the thor films <3

18. my main support system is my wonderful boyfriend, kurtis @agere-tomhiddleston-imagines 💚💛 he’s helped me through so much and he’s so supportive of me no matter what, and i love him dearly for that (and how awesome he is in general ofc) <3 other than that, my parents are semi-supportive! they still get things wrong sometimes but overall they’ll help if i need things and they handle all the shitty healthcare workers for me so i truly appreciate them for that 😭🙏 ooh and definitely just the general online community of chronically ill people/potsies!! i love y’all so much 🫶

19. okay i don’t know if this counts because she was an orthodontist rather than a doctor/nurse, but when discussing me getting braces she asked about my medical history and i explained it all but said i haven’t been diagnosed so i understand if she can’t accommodate me. then she said to me, “hun.. just because you don’t have a piece of paper with a few words on it, doesn’t mean you aren’t ill. if you’ve got symptoms but no confirmed cause, you’ve still got the symptoms, and i’m not gonna ignore those unless you want me to” - the validation was so relieving after years of fighting for doctors to listen to me and believe me :,) ❤️

(i’ll update this throughout the month! <3)

[girlinlotsoffandoms]

she's her daddy's girl, her momma's world - chapter 33

when the clock strikes twelve

it's new year's eve and Maya is bound and determined to make it to midnight

Read on AO3 or below

It was a peaceful New Years Eve in the Severide household, as it had been in the few years since Maya entered the world. Since her arrival into the world, her parents traded raucous nights at Molly’s (when Stella wasn’t working behind the bar) for peaceful nights in with the family. Holidays and celebrations were kept small while Maya was a baby but as she got older and bigger, she loved having parties and attending parties with her parents—especially if her aunts, uncles, and cousins were going to be there.

Now that Maya was three, and much more independent, Kelly and Stella felt more comfortable having larger gatherings and celebrations at the loft. In the last year alone, they’d hosted their friends from the firehouse and Med and Intelligence for Friendsgiving, a Christmas party, and now, New Year's Eve.

Maya had somehow learned about the New Year’s Eve tradition of watching the ball drop in Times Square and was now obsessed with the idea. The three-year-old, who had never stayed awake past 10:00 pm but had inherited both of her parents’ stubbornness, was now bound and determined to stay up until midnight to witness it.  

“Is it time for the ball dwop mommy?”

“Not yet, baby.” Stella answered, amused. From the moment she woke up that morning Maya had been asking about the ball drop.

Maya sighed. “How much yonger?”

“Well, it’s almost time for lunch now and the ball doesn’t drop until midnight, so you’ve got about 12 more hours.”

“How yong is dat?”

“About 8 of your princess movies”

Maya’s little eyes grew wide. "Dats a yong time."

"It is a long time," Stella said with a smile. "You sure you want to try and stay up till midnight? It's gonna be way past your bedtime."

"I gonna do it! I gonna stay up til da ball dwops."

Stella chuckled at the sheer determination in her daughter's voice. "OK, but we're gonna have to make sure you get a good nap in today so you can stay up tonight."

Maya nodded, her little curls bouncing with the movement. Stella smiled and moved the three-year-old over to the table, getting her situated with her lunch. Maya ate happily, talking with Stella about how excited she was about the party. The toddler loved getting to see all of her friends and aunts and uncles and eat all the yummy snacks, but this time would be even more special.

Once lunch was finished, Maya started to grow sleepy. Stella carried her to bed and tucked her in, hoping the toddler would get a good, long nap in before the late night ahead of them.

                                                … … …

Maya was still asleep almost three hours later when Kelly returned to the loft, arms loaded down with grocery bags. He saw Stella sitting alone in the living room and quietly made his way into the kitchen. “She still sleeping?”

Sella nodded as she joined him, helping him unload the food and supplies for tonight. “Yep. It’s been almost 3 hours since she went down. She’s very serious about staying up ‘til midnight so I told her she had to take a good nap so she’d be rested enough.”

Kelly chuckled. “You know she got that determination from you, right?”

“My determination and your stubbornness,” Stella amended, playfully rolling her eyes. “God help us when she’s older.”

“You love it,” Kelly joked, putting away the last few items and wrapping his arms around Stella. “Our little girl is strong and fierce, tough, determined as hell, but also incredibly passionate and caring…just like her mom.”

Stella melted at Kelly’s words, moving one of her hands to his cheek. “She gets all of that from you too; all of that and her habit of climbing and jumping off of stuff.”

Kelly snorted and mumbled a playful yeah, yeah, yeah before capturing Stella’s lips in a kiss.

                                                … … …

It wasn’t surprising to anyone that, despite the four-hour nap she took and the copious amounts of sugar she ate, Maya was crashing. Hard.  

What was surprising was how long she’d lasted.

It was fifteen minutes to midnight and the toddler was still awake. The other children, even the older ones like Javi and Makayla, had long since fallen asleep but not Maya. Granted she was fighting a fierce battle against her heavy eyelids and resting her head on her dad’s shoulder as he held her, but she was still awake—no doubt by sheer determination alone.

The adults were amazed, though her stubbornness came as no surprise given who her parents were. The impressiveness at Maya’s feat soon turned to sadness as it was clear the little girl was overly tired. As the night went on Maya grew fussier and clingier, wanting to only be held by Kelly as midnight drew closer.

In an attempt to get the girl to give in and go to sleep, conversation was kept quiet and the NYE footage on the TV was replaced by the local news. Kelly even tried taking her into a different room but that didn’t work either; it only made her fussing worse.

“No daddy,” she whined. “Ball.”

Kelly rubbed her back. “You’re tired baby, you need to sleep.”

“Noooooo!”

“Ok, ok,” Kelly sighed.

Maya’s return to the living room proved their attempts to get her asleep had been futile, so they decided to just give in. They turned the ball drop footage back on and ramped up the conversation again.

With a minute before midnight, Stella and Brett passed out drinks and refilled glasses, making sure everyone had something to toast in the new year with—Stella even refilled Maya’s sippy cup and gave it to her.

10, 9, 8, 7…

Everyone gathered around the TV as the countdown continued.

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. “Happy New Year!”

The cheers rang out throughout the loft as everyone raised their glasses and shared kisses with their partners.

Kelly and Stella each gave Maya a kiss after sharing a kiss themselves.

“You did it baby girl,” Stella informed, rubbing the sleepy little girl’s back. “You made it to midnight.”

Maya gave her mom a sleepy smile before laying her head back down on Kelly’s shoulder and giving in to sleep, making her parents chuckle.

The party wrapped up shortly after that, everyone ready to get themselves and their sleeping kiddos home. Maya transitioned into her bed without stirring and Kelly and Stella put away anything that couldn’t wait until later that morning before they climbed into their own bed. If the day’s adventure taught them anything, it was that the new year would be even better than the last.

[honeysucklepink]

Covid Day 3 (apparently? What happened to the other days? I’ll tell you under a cut cause damn I’m long-wimdy):

Day 0: Thursday, when I started having symptoms (scratchy throat, sinus congestion, achy joints though to be fair one of those is a jammed up finger from my fall two months ago, and a temp of 99, which for me is actually a bit high). Went to work anyway LIKE A MORON, but stayed closed up in my office. About noon, when no one showed up to my online workshop (one person tried to login on mobile twice then gave up) and I realized I could barely get through it anyway, I took a Covid test I keep in my desk drawer--negative. Okay, so maybe the flu? Even though I had my flu and covid booster a few weeks ago, maybe it’s a strain they didn’t catch? I went to student health. Did I tell you my campus has declared we are “post-covid” and they aren’t even doing masks? And now you need an appointment, my primary doc had the week off, and the lady said “oh it’s probably just this bad cold that’s been going around anyway” *GGGRRR* I say fuck it, call it a day, run to Walmart to grab some meds and soup and decide I’m taking Friday off too.

Day 1: Friday. Still feel like crud, though the cough is starting to be productive at least, the temp is up and down but mainly in the upper 98-99 range. Sit in virtually on a faculty meeting, then a phone meeting with the estate attorney re: Dad’s will. Hubby is in a tree stand all day so I take care of myself. Fix some veggie beef soup and a roll for lunch, PBJ for a snack, and some stir-fry Hubs made the night before for dinner. Plus LOADS of ginger tea with honey and lemon. Hope I’m improving by Saturday because a work friend is having her “Birthday/Halloween/Breast Cancer in Remission” party tomorrow night and my Coach Beard costume is on POINT.

Day 2: Saturday. Fuck me. I wake up SWEATING, burning up. My temperature is now 100.0 (Allie Brosh gif “no, I wanted the opposite of this”) and I decide “fuck it, I’m taking another Covid test.” Well screw me sideways, for the first time since March 2020 when all this shit started it finally got to me. I text Hubs “DON’T COME IN HERE” and he texts back “LET ME GET THE FLAME THROWER” (haha very funny). Instead he brings me coffee, toast, and eggs. Then I ask him three separate texts for 1) apple butter for my toast 2) Crystal hot sauce for my eggs and 3) a glass of orange juice. Hey it’s the least he can do after the flame thrower quip. Fortunately there is an urgent care open until 4 pm down the road, so I go there, follow protocols, they don’t give me another test (apparently the home test positives are pretty accurate, they are more likely to give you false negatives). Interestingly they do not recommend paxlovid at this clinic, especially with my high blood pressure. They give me a shot to start my antibiotic/steroid boost, I run pick up a bunch of meds and some McDonalds, and hunker down in my isolation chamber and proceed to watch my Ole Miss Rebels end their seven-game winning streak. Joy. Hubby brings me soup and a roll and some gatorade.

So that makes today (Sunday) Day 3. According to CDC guidelines, I should isolate 5 days from the start of my symptoms, then so long as I’m feeling better after Day 5 and my temp has been normal for 24 hours, I can go back to work wearing a mask for at least five more days (though I will probably wear a mask for the rest of my life. I’ve realized I don’t like my lower face; my teeth are crooked, my lips are oddly scarred from years of cold sores, I’ve developed a complete lack of a chin which now blends into my neck...yeah I’ll wear a mask forever. Which would be easier if I didn’t also have to wear glasses)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw for weight issues, potential ED and mention of EDs, unhealthy behaviors, emetophobia tw, meds

I wanted to know if there's a name for this so that I can start tackling it better?

In high school I was a normal weight. I wasn't overweight but my friends were all taller and underweight. I would sometimes get teased for being "chubby" and not dieting (like having people at lunch make comments about what I was eating and point the calories out), but never let it bother me. I knew my BMI was fine, it just looked like I had a chubbier shape from being short, and from my friends having a different body type.

In university I started to get intense panic attacks, which would lead to vomiting. I know some people gain weight in college but I went in the totally opposite direction. Panic would make me throw up, and I'd lose my appetite for days. I lost 30% of my body weight.

I graduated now, but I have never been able to put back on the weight I lost. And I'm still stuck in the cycle of throwing up during intense panic attacks, and then being unable to eat for a few days. However... I then started getting into the habit of binge eating?

I'll go over this week, for example:

Day 1 - Feeling anxious, might still manage a few bites of a very small snack which I don't finish, but overall not have much appetite and be feeling nauseous the whole day so for the most part I'll be avoiding food Day 2 - Finally the feelings of anxiety are too much to bear, and I'll throw up while experiencing other panic symptoms like heart palpitations, racing thoughts, tension headaches, etc. (sometimes for several hours straight, even if I don't have anything in my stomach, or if I try to drink water I just throw up the water and have kind of "foamy vomit"), No food Day 3 - Panic has subsided but I'll still have no appetite. No food Day 4 - Binge eat a variety of different foods, usually at night (even though I know you're "not supposed to eat" at night, but whatever)

I've had trouble with doctors because just based on my weight alone, they'll accuse me of being anorexic. I've had family members suspect that I'm anorexic too. Finally, I had someone point out that I looked like I had sialadenosis (swollen salivary glands, which I know people associate with bulimia).

However, forgive me if I'm wrong but I always grew up with the thought that eating disorders had to do with people who don't want to gain weight, or who purposely want to lose weight, while in my case, I'm not trying to lose weight, and actually feel extremely unsatisfied that I don't weight more?

Eating disorders were a huge thing at my high school and it always had to do with them feeling too heavy and wanting to avoid putting on weight, from what they said around me. But when I vomit or don't eat, it's not because I don't want to gain weight. It's because my body is responding to extreme stress. And the binging will be because after going for a while without eating, I get hit by a huge amount of hunger and tend to overdo it (not purposely but just I get cravings and want to keep eating lots of different things).

A doctor prescribed me a medication that's supposed to help me with my appetite, but the problem is that it causes drowsiness in me, so I'll take it and start to feel a little hungry but then I fall asleep before I eat anything. I have tiredness all throughout the day, so there's no time to take it when I'm less sleepy since I'm basically always sleepy. I've also tried some anxiety medications and one helps me but I still get panic attacks, I know medication is supposed to go hand in hand with lifestyle changes, but my life feels like it's super chaotic and unstable for a bunch of reasons so instead of having a stable life, I just jump from one panic-inducing life situation to the next.

Do you have any experience in knowing what this is called, and how to deal with it? Thank you.

Hi anon,

First of all I'm sorry about what you've been through, and thank you for sharing your experience.

It seems like you may be dealing with a complex combination of symptoms related to food, anxiety, and panic attacks. While I'm not an expert in eating disorders, I can do my best to listen and provide suggestions based on my limited knowledge of eating disorders. Ultimately, it's important to seek professional help to receive an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

From my understanding, anorexia essentially means that you avoid eating as much as possible and when you do eat, it's insufficient. However, it sounds like you may be dealing with some kind of binge purge cycle where you eat a lot but throw up. But, like you said, bulimia necessitates voluntary purging, whereas in your case it sounds like you're throwing up out of anxiety and panic, rather than intentionally expelling any food. Unfortunately I'm not sure what this could be.

It sounds like the medication your doctor prescribed isn't really helping, and you may want to consider having a conversation with your doctor to explore other options. It's also worth noting that while something like an anxiety medication is supposed to go hand in hand with lifestyle changes, it can serve as sort of a safety net during this tumultuous time. I know when I started medication at 16 I was dangerously depressed and was only just embarking on my recovery journey, so for a long time the medication was pretty much doing all the work until I could get on my feet and pull my own weight, and that's okay. If it makes your life any easier then it's needed.

I think a key thing that's missing from this equation is what may be causing your panic attacks and anxiety, as these are symptoms of a larger problem. It's seems very apparent that your panic attacks are debilitating, making you go days without eating, which is really bad for your body and your overall health. I'm not sure if you know where this panic or anxiety is coming from, but it could be something to explore with the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who specializes in eating disorders. Even if you don't immediately discover the source of your panic, a therapist could help you minimize the effects of your panic attacks, and hopefully work up to a more consistent diet.

I hope I could help. If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ontrackmind]

I am one month into residency. Here are a few things I've learned (mostly about myself):

1) I am, indeed, a textbook person. I always thought I was an uptodate person, but it's just not always the best resource for peds. I have looked things up in Red Book, Lange Neonatology, Bright Futures, and AAP Peds in Review multiple times this month already. They just seem to work better for me when I have the time. Uptodate is my second choice for on-the-go reading (like when walking to morning conference)

2) organization is key. I'm not sure what system works best for me on rounds since the handoff sheet we get is completely different from what we used at my med school. (Same info, just formatted differently on the page). But, I have found having a succinct cover sheet with all of my patients only and their to-do items for the day to be way more efficient than flipping back and forth in a big packet. I'm still working out how to make the handoff page work best for me during rounds though. One thing is clear though, if you're not organized, something will be forgotten. For me, keeping lists and check boxes is key.

3) if I don't write it down, it doesn't exist. How do people remember *everything*?? If I don't write it down within 5 minutes of doing it/hearing about it/being told to do it, it's forgotten in the abyss.

4) good sleep hygiene is my BFF. I probably have co-residents with wacky schedules, but I like my routine and I have noticed I do better when I'm well rested. I typically get 6-8 hours, but in order to ensure that happens, I have a pretty consistent routine in the evenings after work and the mornings before work (especially since I don't have a yard and have to walk my dog both times). I also like feeling well rested in the morning. I'm in a better mood, less stressed, and make fewer mistakes. (Maybe this one matters more since I don't drink coffee or soda so I don't get an extra boost from the caffeine?? I've debated energy shots, but I get heart palpitations with anxiety and they freak me out. I can only imagine what extra caffeine would do)

5) I 100000% prefer to work as a team than work alone. My last block was very team oriented and I felt like I thrived. We were always asking each other how we could help and getting lunch or snacks for each other when we couldn't go together as a group. It was very much a "we all lift each other up" kind of environment. I hope that carries into my other blocks, too. I'm going to do my best to continue to be a team player and help everyone with their workload.

6) I still feel pretty dumb and unsure of myself, but the imposter syndrome is WAY less than before. Idk if it's the new environment or what, but I just don't feel that same fear of being too dumb and undeserving and being the weak link like I did during med school. Sure, I have a lot to learn and I do sometimes forget things or freeze up (for instance, I completely forgot what DI was today during rounds. Literally could not have even told my fellow my name if she had asked.lol) and while I fell a little embarrassed, it's not the same as it was before. Maybe I'm in a better mental place for now?

7) Im somehow less stressed. Like, I work hard at work and sometimes I get frustrated or get stuck, but it's not the same as being a student. I read articles and do practice questions at home but it's much more leisurely. Despite the long hours, I find this WAY more enjoyable than med school. I don't feel guilty for taking time off or enjoying my hobbies and I actually enjoy studying and looking up stuff about my patients. Residency is hard, but I am so much happier than I was before. I hope it stays this way.

8) my dog is still one of the absolutely best part of my day. She's happy when we get up in the morning and happy when I get home in the evening. She will forever be the bright, sunny spot in my day. Its a lot of work having a dog while living alone, but holy crap is she worth it❤

[bunnywritesmarvel]

Do you have any tips on adjusting to living on your own/away from family for the first time?

i dont have much advice considering ive only lived alone for like,,,, 3 days so far but i can tell you what ive experienced so far and my plan that i developed so my raging introverted tendencies dont isolate me lmao

this is very long and ramble-y so i apologize in advance LMAO

so far ive had some weird sleeping issues but im just chalking it up to im not used to sleeping here and also theres no curtains. just blinds and the street lamps outside are casting a little light into my apartment, so i doubt itll persist and ill eventually get used to the light and the new location and sleep just fine

ive always enjoyed cooking, so cooking and all that stuff isnt too new to me and i enjoy making myself dinner. if youre on a budget like me, definitely write out a meal plan and tick off any ingredients youll need for them and only buy those ingredients + any little snacky stuff you might like that wont blow your budget too much.

id definitely say just make sure you build up a routine, heres mine for example

after work i go to the gym, after the gym i come home and shower. after my shower, i make dinner. when i make dinner, i prep all the ingredients first and then cook, but as im cooking ill also clean the dishes i used that i wont need anymore. eat dinner, prep lunch for tomorrow, finish dishes, then i just kinda tidy up a little for like 5 minutes and honestly you can get a lot done in 5 minutes. put your clothes in the hamper, wipe down your kitchen counter/coffee table/bathroom sink, sweep up the little pile of crumbs on the floor, take the trash out, etc. just some small stuff, all the bigger things like deep cleaning can be done on a day off or when you have more time. after that i get ready for bed, wash my face, take my meds, have a lil snack if im still hungry then brush my teeth, etc

then after that i usually have an hour/hour and a half to do whatever i want. i try to aim to do something productive for myself that i'll also enjoy like work on a skill/hobby, maybe a read a little or write a little but theres also no shame in spending that free time binge watching youtube or netflix lmao

i also aim to go out with a friend at least once a week, usually a time when i know i wont have to get up early for work the next day so i dont have to worry about getting home in time for bed

also, if youre close with your family like i am and you still live relatively close to them, dont be afraid to admit when youre feeling lonely and to go visit them!! there will definitely be some times youll feel lonely living on your own, even it youre a raging introvert like me. theres nothing wrong with that, but just dont let it isolate you and keep you from going out and seeing people!

honestly, you dont even have to tell them youre feeling lonely if you dont want to, just text them or call them and ask if you can come hang out and take up the opportunity if they say yes! and if theyre busy or need a rain check, dont just stay in your apartment. if you can, go out and do something! get some coffee and sit down and read for a little bit inside the shop, or go see a movie by yourself. yeah, youre still technically by yourself, but going and doing something might still help the loneliness and you also might meet some new friends! maybe theres a local book club, or an animal shelter that needs volunteers.

i also hate the silence of my apartment, so i always have music or a podcast going, or my favorites playlist on youtube playing, something for just a little background/white noise that i wont have to pay too much attention to while i clean/cook/do whatever

honestly, just dont be afraid to reach out to people or ask people to check up on you every so often. im such a big introvert, i thought quarantine was going to be GREAT for me, but eventually i did get lonely and i started to feel terrible, so dont doubt that itll happen to you. dont isolate yourself no matter how much you want to

[mental-mario]

Part III: This Ain't for Me

Shockingly enough, the next morning came (at 7am with a knock to take vitals while half asleep at edge of bed), and I still wasn't "cured." Breakfast was French toast and powder eggs with decaf coffee and a side of meds. As I looked around at the other patients on the unit, most were much like myself: quiet, reserved, low energy. I don't like to say they seemed "normal" because that is an old stigma attached to mental health, but I will say there weren't many behaviors displayed except for a couple of instances. One rather tall gentleman kept jumping around, hogging the phone (probably with fake calls), and repeatedly asking everyone their names because he couldn't remember. Another patient seemed to move in slow motion and spoke inaudibly. Another paced the floor and talked to himself much of the time, as one might expect to see in a setting like this.

At 10am, it was group time! Group runs from 10-12 and then again from 1-3. "Group" in this case was not quite what I thought it would be. Patients from both units (some still opted not to go) met in a small room with two recumbent bikes, an elliptical, a treadmill, and a radio. There was also a table with playing cards and Guess Who, in case you didn't get enough of playing with yourself and board games. During this light exercise time, a member of the psych team would pull you for a one-on-one interview. Keep in mind, this has been over 24 hours since I checked into the ER, and finally getting the first opportunity to speak to someone with any authority to do anything. I spoke with the psych doc for probably 15-20 minutes while he took notes, and he was very friendly but didn't offer much insight. I then met briefly (less than 5 minutes) with the psych team, including some students and the attending physician, but this was just to reiterate what I said earlier in the one-on-one. They did say they would consider my discharge request but that legally they could still hold me for up to 72 hours after I signed the request. They also had me transferred to the front unit, which was smaller and quieter, since I don't do well with noise and had traumatic experiences in dorm living. After the interview, I had a few minutes sitting idly and zoning out. A patient at the adjacent table asked what I was staring at and yelled at me to stop. Naturally, I fired back with a, "I wasn't staring, and while we're on the topic, WTF are you staring at me for?!" This accomplished my mission of getting this person to get up and leave.

My wife came to visit me at lunchtime. I was the only one who had a visitor during my stay, and that made me even sadder. My kids were too young to be allowed to visit, and they were at school anyway. It was a surreal experience to have my wife visit and see me in this jumpsuit and in this atmosphere. She was highly supportive, but I felt deep embarrassment and shame. Still, I was happy to see a glimpse of my outside life. My wife already knew that this place was only making me worse. After lunch, which was by far the quickest hour of the day, my wife had to leave because it was time for group again! This time, they put us in teams and had us play a round of Scattergories as well as a rousing round of Jeopardy with a theme of OTC meds and remedies. If you're reading this and wondering how this was supposed to improve my mood and SI, I am still wondering as well. After that was mercifully over, we had idle time again all the way until bedtime, with the exception of dinner. We mostly sat around the dayroom area watching tv, with the highlight being when Mean Girls came on! I felt very aware of a sublime feeling in that moment of realization that I am trapped in a psych ward and watching Mean Girls. All I could do was laugh to myself. 8pm was snack time, and I got to get TWO snacks! So I chose a vanilla ice cream cup and a pouch of cinnamon golden grahams so that I could complete the nostalgic feeling of being completely controlled in my childhood. I did lose a few pounds over these few days, but I managed to gain it all back quickly when I could binge again. Anyway, my nighttime meds came on time this night, at 9pm, and I was able to go to bed from there. No reason to keep staying up. Trazodone did help me get to sleep, but my door kept opening and shutting all night. I'm pretty sure I was on 15 minute checks, even though that didn't happen the night before.

Next post will be Part IV and likely the conclusion of this story. Hopefully you've enjoyed it so far. If you have, please tip your blogger accordingly! I learned growing up that money and gifts were the way to express love, so shower your love and other bodily fluids all over me!! And while you're filling me up with your love, friend me on Switch! My friend code is on my profile page, or use the QR code in my pic. I am lonely and need more of you in my life! I'll be online either playing Shredder's Revenge or Cowabunga Collection and looking to go online! I've been on a real TMNT kick lately, and by "lately," I mean the last 30 years. The feeling of taking out my anger and frustration on a bunch of Foot soldiers just doesn't get old! Of course, that will get put away for a while come midnight Friday! I want to thank my sugar daddy/mama, who wants to remain anonymous, for their generous donation so I could afford to purchase Super Mario Bros. Wonder! I will see you online!

[imonlyusingthisforrp]

Let's talk about the ultra hurtful words from the tween and why it's particularly terrible.

Around 6ish weeks ago, spouse set up with her "adopted brother" to do 30 days sober. They thought I hadn't noticed that they were drinking A LOT. I had noticed. I had also noticed some other stuff that they thought they were hiding well. They were not. They had done some (illegal) drugs. They were suicidal. Their mental health was fucked.

Two weeks ago, I had a day of puking. Kiddo helped me out a bunch. He did some running around for me, got me ice water (iced drinks help settle the stomach), let me use his heated blanket (I was feverish as all hell), and doted on me. That was on Wednesday.

Friday, kiddo came to me and told me he'd been talking to the school counselor, and had been talking to her about his suicidal ideation being REALLY bad. He had a plan, you guys. He said "I think I may need to go inpatient". That night, he did. We don't fuck around with that kind of stuff if we can help it. Especially not with the (almost) 12 year old. He was checked in for six days, until they got him on medication, and stable. While there, he got diagnosed with ADHD (imagine... the thing we pointed out from the time he was 3), and as possibly having Autism (AGAIN. WE HAVE BEEN POINTING THIS OUT SINCE HE WAS THREE). He's on an anxiety med, an anti-depressant, and ritalin.

While he was gone, I was in massive pain, couldn't get it to stop, and was dosing myself like crazy with anything that would help. It finally started to get better the day he got home.

So, Spouse is having mental issues. Kiddo is having mental issues. My GF is having mental issues. I AM HAVING MENTAL ISSUES, but SOMEONE has to be stable enough to deal with things. So I put my mental shit on the back burner, and clench my fists, and go on.

The 27th, Kiddo and I had a bit of a tiff (it was about food. Food is a big thing in our house, and I didn't handle it the best, but I CANNOT understand how a kid can eat breakfast and lunch at school and then eat a full meal for a "snack" on getting home and a half hour later stand up like "I'm HUNGRY" and start to go into the kitchen to *make another meal*). When I was upset (a touch unreasonable, but I had points I was making. Not WELL, but I wasn't being a psycho about things or anything), kiddo's response to me was "Are you even taking your meds?" I said yes, and he said "You're acting like a DICK". We talked it out, I pointed out that his eating habits are ridiculous, that it's rude to ask people if they're taking their meds when they have an emotion, and that I love him so much I would kill for him. He went to bed, and Spouse went to work, and the night went on. Then, I was talking to GF, told her about how bad things had been with my pain and unintentionally triggered her by saying at the worst of the pain, I had thought about throwing myself down the stairs to at least have a REASON to feel like such shit. She's been dealing with mental stuff, and it's been exceptionally bad (worse than she had been telling me about, even, and I KNEW it was bad, but not THAT bad). She told me she had to go do something else, because she was triggered, and I started crying. Crying and sending messages to Spouse, who did their best to try to calm me down. I pointed out that my own mental health had to be on the back burner. I said I couldn't talk to anyone about any of it because of how shitty everyone else has been doing. I cried and cried and cried. For three hours.

The next day, I was having worse pain, I hadn't slept, and I was still not super happy the kid had asked me if I was off my meds for having an emotion. He got mad at me and Spouse because we said he couldn't go for a walk down a busy-ass street in town (one of the main ones, in a COLLEGE TOWN, and this kid looks *at least* 16 (and is AFAB, with hips and boobs, so the risk is REAL)) and he was being dramatic and throwing out "I WON'T EVER GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN THEN!" and the like. I said something to the effect of "We are the adults. We choose what you get to do. You're not walking down (the road name) because it is dangerous. I don't care what you say or how much you complain, that's the choice we, as your parents, are making, and that's final." Because he was angry, he sneered "Says the person who had a fucking MENTAL BREAKDOWN last night".

Y'all. Y'ALL. Normally when he does that shit, I get angry. Instead, I was so offended and hurt, I got up and went upstairs, stopping on the stairs to tell him he was going to apologize to me at some point, and I wasn't going to accept after that. Because he was upset, so he said something JUST TO HURT ME. He said a bunch more, and I went upstairs and called mom, sobbing hysterically. She was at work. She told her boss there was an emergency with her family and they sent her home. So now my Mom left work early because of it, I was in hysterics, and Spouse was so angry they were saying things to the kiddo like "How DARE you say something like that! Why would you say such HURTFUL things? Aunt Kelly told you about that BEING VULNERABLE and you just threw it back in her face! You have NO respect for people, and I am SICK OF IT."

It literally took my mom speaking to kiddo on the phone (I went back downstairs to give him the phone, and he was being JUST as shitty at her at first, until I pointed out he better check himself before he got himself in REAL trouble. "You don't yell at Mam, or you're gonna find out what I act like when I'm really goddamn angry" was said, because I can deal MOSTLY with being disrespected, but you don't disrespect my MOTHER. Absolutely not), and me saying "She's at work, we need to get off the phone, and taking the phone back and SOBBING because she said she'd left work and I felt like utter fucking shit for being the reason she had to leave early. It took Spouse doing all the talking while I snuffled and sobbed and tried to calm the hell down. It took me pointing out how fucking cruel he was to have said that stuff and how bad my mental health *actually is*. Eventually he cried and said he was sorry and how much he loves us and how he didn't mean to be mean to us, but sometime he just gets SO ANGRY (dude. Same. But we're all working to be better, which means you have to WORK at it) and then he said he loves me, specifically and that he was sorry, and I accepted it. Because of course I did. Because I'm Mumther. I do that.

It was a rough day. It was a rough night. I didn't sleep, I was in pain, I waited until he went to bed and Spouse was taking a nap and took Flexeril (again) and when Spouse went to work, I went upstairs and laid in bed, and within 30 minutes of being up there, I was asleep. Then I took more flexeril this morning after kiddo got up and went to school, and I slept all day, too. 16 or so hours of sleep, with a lot of muscle relaxers. I woke up feeling more stable emotionally, and Mom is paying for me to spend a night at a hotel by myself because I never take time to myself. I'm always here with the kiddo. I haven't left my house (at all) in 2.5 months. I need a day to myself. I need a night to myself. I'm taking it. Hopefully it means I'll be way better off when I come home. Dear god, I hope so, because I may need to go inpatient if things don't calm down soon.

So that was a babble. But apparently I needed to speak it into the universe. Thanks for reading if you did. <3

[eleanor-speaks]

Thursday, August 10, 2023

It has been a couple of weeks since I updated. I am no longer on bedrest. Last Tuesday, the team met and medical agreed it was okay for me to go on full. That means that I can't leave the day room until it closes at 9:30 at night.

Currently, my schedule looks like this:

Nurses wake me up at 5:30, they let me into my bathroom so I can "empty" and then they wheel me in the wheelchair down to the nurses station for weights and vitals and any labs or tests that need to be done. They also flush my tube. Once they wheel me back, I do some reading until the psych tech gets to my room at 7:10 to give me my shower. They unlock the bathroom again, I have 15 minutes to shower and do everything I need to do in there, although sometimes, they give me 20 minutes since I'm the only one on supervised locked bathrooms right now.

Once I get done in the shower, the tech wheels me to the nurse's window so I can get my morning meds, vitamins, and first supervised fluid, and then they wheel me back to my room where I read a bit more before the nurses come in around 7:55 and hook me up to the pump. Then they wheel me down to the dining room where I sit in supportive dining. I have breakfast, or try to have breakfast. I'm on full portions of the smallest meal plan now. I also have to drink both of my fluids at meals, and if I finish my meal, I can have coffee. This morning, I had cheerios with milk, an orange, and almonds, two waters, and a black coffee meaning I finished breakfast this morning!

After breakfast, I get wheeled down to the day room where I sit on my sofa, my special spot with all of my stuff that I need for the day. There's a break before the first group at 9:10. And that's my morning routine.

Today's groups were Relapse Prevention, then I had a dietary session at 10:00, Mindfulness at 11:10, then there was lunch. Today I had tofurkey and cheese sandwich with mayonnaise and a salad with dressing. I wasn't able to finish it, so I had to have a Boost. I went with strawberry. After lunch was psych rounds and then nursing came in to give me my second round of supervised fluids. There's another break time there, so I worked on homework until the group at 3:10 which was connection and relationships. Normally I would go to student support to do school stuff, but since I'm on full and have a feeding tube, I'm not allowed to go.

After that group is the long break. Since I finished my homework, I decided to do some crocheting. I'm working on a blanket right now. While I was doing that, I hung out with the staff person and we chatted. She's very nice. I like her. Around 4:15, nursing came into check my vitals since I have to have them done at every shift change. Then the 5:00 group was examining perfectionism. After that is dinner.

Dinner tonight was wild rice with tofu, steamed carrots, butter, walnuts, and grapes with two waters. I had to have another Boost because I couldn't finish the rice and didn't use the butter. I went with vanilla tonight.

After dinner is the meal support group and then evening snack, which I have to have because of my blood sugar. You would think that the feeding tube would keep things normal, but I think medical is playing it safe. I also have to do a bedtime snack for the same reason. I don't know what's going on. Medical says it's reactive hypoglycemia or something like that. But for my evening snack, I had cheerios with yogurt. Then there was an evening process group at 8:30.

At 9:00, I played a game with staff until the room closed at 9:30. Then staff wheeled me down to the nurse's station where they unhooked the pump and flushed the tube. They also checked my vitals at that time and gave me my evening meds and third supervised fluid before wheeling me back to my room. Then one of the counselors came in to unlock my bathroom and let me get ready for bed. Then at 10:00, they wheeled me down for my bedtime snack. I had a strawberry bar with milk. I chatted a bit more with the staff person and then at 10:20, they wheeled me back to my room, and now here I am journaling about the day.

I really want to exercise, but with this stupid window in the room and my door having to be open and the bathroom locked, I'll get stopped. I'm going to try to sleep and hope that I don't freak out in the morning when I weigh in.

[timeoverload]

Today wasn't too bad I suppose. It didn't start very well because I slept through all 20 of my alarms. It's kind of ridiculous that I have to set that many as it is but I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button. I usually get up around 4:30 or 5 but today I didn't get up until 6:15 and that's when I normally have to leave on Wednesdays.

I stayed up way too late last night but I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I had tried because it was too loud. The neighbors down the street were lighting off super loud fireworks until almost 1 in the morning. I was so pissed and I really wanted to go over there and tell them they were being rude but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't even remember falling asleep but I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I guess having 2 days off messed me up too and I also forgot I had to be there earlier. I work at 7 on Mondays and Tuesdays and 6:30 on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Luckily I still had time to get everything set up and get breakfast before cases started at 7:30. I had 24 today but I got done with them by 3:00. I had time to sit down and eat my lunch too. It definitely was better than last Wednesday. I had 31 cases that day due to add-ons and there was also an hour delay because one of the surgeries took longer than usual so I ended up having to stay late and I was already exhausted. I was so grumpy after that and Thursday sucked.

I also got mad last week because that creepy guy I work with that won't leave me alone tried hitting on me again in front of a bunch of people and I basically had to tell had to tell him to fuck off. It was embarrassing. After that incident, he left the department for a while and when he came back he was clearly in a bad mood and was banging stuff around. It felt like he was trying to be intimidating or something and he also kept trying to find reasons to talk to me. I told him previously that I thought it was weird that he kept calling me beautiful and amazing and I tried to make it clear that it made me uncomfortable. I haven't shown any interest whatsoever so I don't understand why he keeps trying. I don't trust him. He doesn't seem to show a lot of respect for women. He's very desperate for a relationship and I'm not the only girl he acts that way towards. He cornered another girl in the stairwell to get her phone number. I'm not sure why she gave it to him since she said that she doesn't like him either. I would never give him any of my information. Most of the girls are uneasy around him and he likes to go around trying to get hugs. If he tries to say or do anything else to me like that I'm going to HR. He says he's planning on working there a long time and I can't wait to get away from him. At least I don't have to see him at all this week since he's out of town. I don't want him to come back but I'm happy that I haven't had to see him since he did that.

I got to leave work a couple minutes early so that was nice. I went to the store to get cat food and more snacks for myself. I have been eating so much junk food. I think I have actually gained a couple pounds which is good news. Some of my clothes are fitting better. I hope I can continue gaining weight but I also need to eat a little healthier sometimes. I don't even know how much I weigh right now since I don't have a scale so I guess I will find out when I go to the doctor on Friday. I'm also still planning on asking for her to increase my dosage of lamotrigine to 175mg a day since I've been taking 150mg for a while now. I am going to see if she will give me ativan or something for my anxiety. I have taken anxiety meds before and I don't really like them but lately I'm having a really hard time managing it. I haven't had blood work done in a while so I should probably ask to have that done too.

I'm going to make some dinner soon and get ready for bed. I'm sure I will sleep a lot better tonight and hopefully I actually wake up on time in the morning. I'm glad I only have to work one more day this week and tomorrow shouldn't be too busy. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

15.06.23

PTW

My journey at the Priory is finally coming to a much needed end. I officially have the funding in place and will be going back to residential. I just hope it's the right decision on my part.

I'll miss some of the staff (namely my key nurse and therapist) but I won't miss being here. I've had enough. I'm not magically cured but I'm in a far better position than when I first came, even I can recognise that.

The days here are monotonous. Tuesdays and Fridays (for some, including me) are weigh days (Mondays and Thursdays for the others) where we dress in little blue paper gowns tied up at the back. We are woken up at the horrible time between 6 and half 6 am where we then step on the scale to see the dreaded number, praying we haven't lost weight (that would mean an increase), or go up "too much" that our heads can't cope. Even maintenance is difficult to see.

Back to sleep until 8am, meds are at 8:15 (I'm on 5mg aripiprazole, 60mg fluoxetine and inhalers) and breakfast at 8:20. I'm lucky. I'm allowed to maintain a low weight so I remain on quite a small meal plan. Not like some who are forced to a healthy weight but we all know the battle I faced with that one! One box of cereal (usually shreddies or bran flakes), 200ml soya milk (with chocolate nesquik) and a slice of melon.

Next up is hour after where I usually doze. 2 coffees (I have caffeinated coffee and sweeteners that I smuggled in) and a 15 minute walk around the block is followed by a group at 10:45-12:15pm. My favourites are discharge planning and body wise. They are often held by my therapist. Lunch is at half 12 but I always go down 5 minutes early to avoid the rush of patients from the other wards.

I usually have a sweet chilli quorn salad wrap or tuna mayo salad wrap followed by a portion of berries. I'm meant to have a soya yogurt too but I don't have it. I'm too scared it will make me gain weight and my dietitian and the staff know.

Another hour after spent either outside in the sun (recently it's been such nice weather, yes, even in Scotland!) or watching TV. Then another coffee before group (today's is bodywise) and another 15 minute walk (with a quick coffee) after afternoon snack at half 3.

Dinner is at 5:20pm, but as usual I go down 5 minutes early to avoid the rush. I have vegan cottage pie with veg and a scoop of soya ice cream for dessert tonight. After another hour after spent in the lounge, I tend to sit at the nurses station, bored. At 8pm I'll write my daily menu (most people do theirs weekly but I like to do mine daily!) and I'll usually phone a friend to pass some more time until I need to get my nightly meds (just inhalers for me) before night snack from 9-10pm. I tend to go straight to bed as I'm already falling asleep in hour after!

I should also mention that once a week we see the dietitian. the therapist and have ward round. Today was a therapy day where I rambled on about my anxieties for visiting T House tomorrow, seeing some of the staff and desperately wanting my pass to go well. We spoke about my experience and how I felt ashamed, dirty and like I was overreacting. I worry that I won't be able to do the trauma therapy I need but at the same time, maybe it's best not to delve into the past? I don't know what would be for the best.

I also had ward round where as usual nothing much agreed. I'm still to use the lift (instead of the stairs, despite being allowed home passes and daily walks!), no extra time out although I am going on pass tomorrow (Friday) until Sunday and discharge will be decided at my case conference next Tuesday. I just hope my key nurse can do the transfer.