#and learning that having Bad Days with my mental health where everything ‘sets me off’ doesn’t make me a bad person

[void-tiger]

Warning: Sandman Spoilers.

(I’d plop a Read More here except I can never remember how to do that in mobile, mobile is much friendlier in layout to how my brain functions than the full web-on-computer will ever be, and Readmores flatout break my ability to edit, say, tags after I hit that Post button.)

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Right. Okay.

…I think what irritates me about the Endless Siblings?

Delirium Can Do No Wrong Because She Baby (which is true. We dunno what shit happened to her that forced her to shift from Delight to Delirium, but we know it was BAD) even when she torments mortals for her Games (just less maliciously than Desire and Despair; it’s debatable if she’s fully Aware of the consequence of what she’s doing), even when Delirium’s (understandable!) demand to have Destruction back actively kills people!

Or Destruction—who LEFT and almost demands the others to leave as well despite Not All Of Them CAN Leave (and to be frank? Him abandoning his post despite having Creation as his counter-domain is probably why, say, warfare became SO destructive SO rapidly followed by a technological boom)—and literally planted what might as well have been BOMBS in his closest friends if any of his siblings tried to find him.

Or Desire—who fucks around and NEVER has to find out. Who actively targets Dream and blames Dream for their bad relationship with their older brother…and never takes any accountability for their own part in it and continued active antagonism and actively trying to DESTROY Dream either by spilling family blood and igniting the Kindly Ones’ Wrath and using Dream’s Own Function against him…or by risking Dream shifting into something Not Dream Any Longer. (And the absolute Irony of Desire being the one (1) sibling to EVER help, then gets pissed off and antagonizes further. Gee, Desire. I wonder why Dream doesn’t ask and if he asks you he asks you last!)

Or Despair. Who plays games beyond her function, and this aspect of Despair seemingly ignoring her counter-function of Hope, and is a co-conspirator albeit passive co-conspirator in Desire’s torment of Dream in much the same way as a pair of school-aged Mean Girls

Or Destiny. Who so rarely shows that he cares, uses his Book as a Defense Mechanism Excuse in a similar way as Dream does his Pride (and being prickly by-nature but most of his standoffish-ness is honestly a defense against Holding ALL Of Subconscious + His Family’s A Bunch Of Assholes (Too)). And if he does anything “outside his Book” or “finally acts within the Book” …he denies it’s because he cares. It’s to berate for showing up in jeans or someone else leaving their stuff in his room (even when someone else left it)

Or Death. Who had her own Edgelord Phase that lasted for eons before her younger siblings even existed. Who never once actually came to help yet berates Dream for not asking her when he wound up in Serious Trouble…again. (And not by his own fault, unless you want to count fixing a past mistake seriously draining him to the point he could he snared by Desire’s (and Despair’s but mostly Desire’s) Trap.)

…They’re ALL Assholes, Jared!

But only ONE of them is held to a standard none of the rest of them even bother to live to and gets actively punished for it at every turn, even when he tries to reach out, do better. (And yes, Morpheus!Dream has some serious fuckups. But. So do the rest of them. And he’s kinda the only one held accountable for them + some things that really aren’t his fault or are actively traumatic and he doesn’t really have a way to safely recover from without, y’know, affecting the Dreaming and all the dreamers! And it’s not for a lack of trying or continuing to try, despite his natural stubbornness, prickliness, introversion, and avoidance!)

[woodlaflababab]

Hot Take: The Lion Turtle wasn't that out of left field.

Was it a deus ex machina? Yes. Technically. But it wasn't like some sudden dip in writing or like this was unprecedented and had no basis or reasoning in universe. Hear me out. This is Long.

Let's go back to book 1, specifically the book 1 finale. At what point prior to that are we told that there's a spirit that can turn into a giant koi monster and wipe out everyone? We didn't even know about the whole Tui and La thing until we are in the midst of the battle and there is no viable solution. Aang as he is, does not have the ability to solve this problem.

However, Aang is the avatar.

50% of that is having all four elements. It means mastering diciplines, practice, it's skill that you gradually improve on, it's being clever with the tools avalible to you.

But the other 50%, that I feel is too often forgotten, is spirithood, or being the bridge to the spirits. Spirits are not tools. They're explicitly shown to be things that just kinda Do Shit, and Are There. They don't care about the human world for humans' sake, that's the Avatar's job. The spirits are unexplainable. (I am ignoring Korra) Dealing with the spirits isn't something you can learn. There's not really a special technique Aang learns on How To Spirit 101.

But as the Avatar, Aang has the ability to comune with spirits, to seek them out, call to them, ask them for help, and give them help in return. Part of being the Avatar is doing things no one else can, and again, 50% of that comes from having four bending abilities, and the other 50% is his connection to spirits.

The Lion Turtle is the earned pay off of Aang's actions. Aang, like in the Northern Water Tribe, faces a problem in which neither he, nor anyone around him, knows what to do, and just like in the NWT at the twelfth hour, he turns to the spirits. He chooses to find a place where he feels connected, and calls out. He opens himself to a world outside of human control knowing that, as merely human, he is not capable.

It's the same set up.

Aang faces a problem: Giant Invasion/Having to defeat the fire lord

He does everything he physically can: Takes down a dozen ships/Masters three extra elements

But pulls back when he realizes continuing this way will destroy him: Retreats and admits hes in over his head/Refuses to commit violence with the intent to kill because that means sacrificing his values and the last remaining shreds of his people's values.

(PSA: Taking care of your mental/emotional health is just as important as taking care of your physical health)

He opens himself up to other people for solutions: Yue is just like 'you gotta dude :|'/His friends mock him

He chooses to turn to the spirits: Brings it up with Yue and Katara and Yue brings him to the spirit oasis/ Leaves the others to meditate

[Enter Magic Meditation Here]

He Goes To A Weird Spirit Place: Spirit World/Lion Turtle Forest

Fucks Around for a while as he tries to figure out wtf hes supposed to do: talks to spirits and Roku/talks to the avatars and momo (best place of advice obvs)

Finds the spirit he needs to help give him info: Koh+Ocean Spirit/Lion Turtle

Is granted sudden new powers that can solve his impossible situation: Giant Koi/ Energybending

Uses that shit

Saves the day

The end.

And I don't think this is really a cheat for him either. Aang still gives his everything to trying to fight those ships, even after seeing how many there are. He still has to go through all the hassle of the spirits fucking with him.

With the finale, he still admits to Momo that he may have to kill Ozai. He still accepts that, if literally no other solution is avalible, he'll do it even if it means sacrificing himself and his nation. He still has to do the battle to subdue Ozai and still has to risk being internally fucked by bad mojo from Ozai.

He still has to prove himself. In my opinion, he has to prove himself far more in the book three finale than book one. Book one he just kinda takes out some ships and then chats with some spirits and then the Ocean spirit does everything for him.

In the fight with Ozai, AANG had to learn all four elements, HE had to learn the avatar state (even if it conveniently got taken as soon as he did and then given back at dramatic moments), HE had to face Ozai even without the avatar state, HE still tried to reason with Ozai to the end, HE still used the avatar state (apon being gifted with a poke in the back) to fight back, HE still decided to not take the easy way out, HE still commited to and accomplished taking Ozai's bending.

He earned his use of the elements

He earned his use of the Avatar state (prior to lightning bc they couldn't have Aang be op too soon jebdjsbdn)

He continuously believed there has to be another way

He sought out solutions.

And he still had to get ragdolled some to top it off.

And as to the other Avatars' advice, and the idea that he was selfish.

He followed the wisdom of all the Avatars he spoke to.

He was decisive: "No, I'm not going to end like this."

Justice brought Peace: the firelord being rendered powerless and stuck to suffer jail the rest of his life weak and helpless is justice

He actively shaped his own Destiny: he decided how he was going to end things and shaped his destiny and the destiny of the whole world

"Selfless duty calles you to sacrifice your own spiritual needs and do whatever it takes to protect the world": to which Aang says "I guess I don't have a choice Momo, I have to kill the firelord."

The Lion Turtle did not come out of left field and Aang earned/deserved his ending.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for asking my sister to leave our room with someone who may have been in contact with Covid

This was years ago about a few months into quarantine, back when Covid tests took 7 says for results, and also title itself sounds really selfish and cruel which is why I’m asking

Some background: we are a family of 6. We don’t have a lot of space so my sibs and I (21 at the time) have to share rooms. My two younger sibs share and I share w/ my older sib(22). Our rooms are small enough where we have to share a bed, no desks just a few dressers and a nightstand. We’ve been sharing a room for as long as I can remember so we’re used to this

My parents went to a wedding (I know I know we were all livid) and they heard a few people got sick. They said that these people were all eating questionable food and it was only those people who felt sick. But just in case our mom told us to only leave our rooms when necessary until results came in. My mom stayed in one part of the house that is tucked away from the rest of the rooms. Our dad staying in the living room or just occasionally left the house. It was like this for a day.

The next day I had forgotten that I had a therapy appointment through zoom. Because if my mental health I sometimes forget what day these appointments are or I just straight up not go, that’s definitely on me I’m not gonna pretend that it isnt. My therapist told me if I do this one more time or if I push the date again they might have to take me off because investment as a patient or something. I had set a remind when I had 30 min until my appointment so it was too late to push back.

My sib is always pissed when I ask them to leave for my appointments saying things like “it’s my room too” or “does it even help you? Why do I have to leave my room if you aren’t improving” Appointments last an hour and I usually get emotional afterwards so I need an additional 20-30 mins to get back to normal.

When I asked her to go she refused. She said since our parents might have Covid she didn’t want to go out unless necessary. I told her my appointments are necessary and she shot back since I’m doing something I should leave instead. The problem is we have nowhere private to go to. The living room is too open and right next to our other sibs’ room, the only way to the back porch is through the room our mom was in, since our dad irregularly leaves the house and comes back I didn’t know if he would walk into the middle of my appointment. My sib said I could just wear headphones for privacy but they’ll still hear ME which I don’t want either. I begged her if she could just stay in my sibs room until I was done but she wouldn’t budge. Either I go or I have to figure something out

In the end I just told my therapist I didn’t want to talk out loud and i spent that one writing in chat very very aware my sib was right next to me even if she wasn’t paying attention. I couldn’t relax at all.

I was really upset with her the rest of the day but looking back I was asking her to leave with the risk of Covid (which came back negative from our parents btw, later learned it was food poisoning on those guys) so that might completely overshadow everything and plus how I felt doesn’t mean I wasn’t an asshole about it. Also I am not in a bad/strained relationship with my sib. We get along most of the time

What are these acronyms?

[yoon-topias]

Yoontopia | Chapter 5 { Rides and Noods }

⟡ Warnings: Strong language, depression, mental health issues, references to self harm, references to violence, references to sexual assault, manic episodes, smoking, risky behavior, jealousy, smut.

⟡ 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

⟡ Best friend's older brother x OC

⟡ Summary: When a not so normal day turns into falling back into routine with small changes for both Yoongi and Vi.

⟡ 5.5k words

Yoongi Pov:

We saw Lewis one more time, said bye to bubbles from far away since the exhibit was too far before closing. She is holding onto my finger and we're going to the lockers to take out our stuff. She is walking slowly, almost behind me. I wonder what's going on in her head. Did she go too far telling me everything? Is she having memories flash back into her mind? "Hey Vi, you okay?" She hums in response "I'm just tired, I feel drained." I remember when I finally opened up about everything when I started to get help I would be so drained emotionally and physically after group therapy I would just go and lay down in my room and think about being out of there, with her. That's when my utopia expanded more than just daydreams. 

Unlocking the locker and getting out our stuff and going to another locker and putting in the code 0613 she is looking at me confused "What? I knew we would come so I came before, and put ridin’ gear for the night." Always making sure we're both warm,  in the proper clothing I hand her the riding gear I bought for her. Both of us will be clad in all black and mine has neon red going through the stitching and hers purple on the stitching. "You got my gear, Yoon." she lights up her smile being contagious I can’t help but smile. 

"Well I'm not gonna let you go cold am I? Now go change okay? We're gonna have one amazing last ride, cause’ for the party I'm driving Jin's car since you'll be in a dress." She nods her head and stumbles closer to me like a penguin bobbing her head back and forth reaching to pick up her gear, god she looks so good in it.  It is tight and fits all her curves, the roadmap I want to know blindfolded.  When she is wearing what I bought her to be on my bike with me, yeah I can be possessive, but it's just who I'm. What's mine is mine, and she is mine. 

 Walking into the bathroom she has the backpack so she doesn't have to carry her clothes out with her in public, locking the stall, setting my stuff on the door hook so it isn't on the ground. Undoing my jeans,  looking down at myself I have the same scars she does in different forms.. Would she accept me also? Shaking my head,  grabbing my black racing pants with skid protection, sliding them on, buttoning them up, pulling my sweat shirt and hoodie off, folding them up and setting them down. 

My body has one deep scar that no one has seen, not even the one night stands. Always made sure it was dark until I needed to see their body to go to my utopia.  The only time I had a one night stand was when I was in a manic episode hell they felt like a dream more than anything, but I know what I did.  I run my fingers under my ribs where the deepest one is. I was in an episode and couldn't take it anymore and stabbed myself, because the voices told me if I did it would stop. Which of course didn't stop so I continued on my body when Pop came in and saw all the blood and stopped me. I was admitted at that time for two months. Two months away from everyone. I was excluded and that's when I learned I needed to control myself not everyone but for myself. I hurt pops my dad and luckily he wasn't hurt too bad just a few minor cuts.  

"Hey Yoon, you good?" Fuck I got lost in thought again "yeah I'll be out in sec sorry." throwing on my black shirt and my black riding jacket with the red stitching I'm ready to be on the road again. Fuck I need a- no I need pineapple.   

 Coming out of the stall Looking at myself in the mirror I have learned to accept the way I'm, sometimes I don't know who I'm but I know I have come so far from where I was. I found solace in riding. I needed a way to escape from reality and the bike felt like an extension of my body to the road. So many late night rides to escape my own self. Hans learned how to ride to have a way to connect with me since she felt like she lost me also. My bike is my comfort place going down the road seeing the highway lights passing by as I go in and out of cars, feeling the wind, walking on the edge of life and death but having the control of it all and choosing to stay. I sigh. I know what I need. 

I reach into my pocket grabbing my keys, the keychain canister with my own pineapple rather, a pharmaceutical fix. The xan in my hand putting it in my mouth cupping my hand, getting some water from the tap slinging my head back. The cold water rushes down my throat. I can feel the relief before it's even in my bloodstream. It may be prescribed, I shouldn't feel bad for taking it but after everything the last thing I need is an episode. 

Wiping some cold water on my face,  patting it away. Yoongi you can do this, you have been through worse she may be gone for a while but right here right now you're with her. Be strong for her but for yourself too.  I can’t risk falling down again. 

Walking out of the bathroom she is standing there with a lollipop in her mouth, her foot up on the wall and she is looking at the fish tank across from the restrooms. I put all the extra stuff in the locker. I'll come back for it tomorrow as I close the lock, she looks at me. "Oh you're done. Finally." She goes to move but I stop her.  "I need a fix, Vi." Placing my hands on her hips and looking into her eyes.  She blinks at me and bites down on the lollipop and pulls the stick out of her mouth "Was the last one, I guess you're outta luck Yoongs."

She is gonna be the death of me if I'm not already in the pits of hell I'm sure as hell walking in there willingly. "Ya know you're gonna be the end of me Vi." 

"I don't know." she shrugs at me squeezing  her hip and she lets out a sound I have never heard from her, going up to her ear "Did you like that Vi?" I see a light red tint on her cheeks so she likes pain? A masochist? I can get behind that.  "I'm gonna get my fix one way or another." and I tip her head up and lock our lips and she grabs onto the bottom of my jacket tightly.  

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple. 

I bite on her bottom lip and she parts her lips and we're moving in the sync she is mine in this moment,  it feels fucking amazing. I don't need those cigs as long as I feel like this. She is otherworldly and I don't know how I'm gonna do it without her when I just got her. I give her one more small bite pulling away,  we're both breathing heavy "Now let's go live a little." I grab her hand and lock our fingers. Walking to the doors to go to my bike. It's dark out, the best time for a ride. “But aren’t we living already?” 

“Yes we are but just you wait, Vi.” 

She is by my side and this is all I could ask for. I'm so close to pulling the trigger and risking it all and walking straight into hell, let her consume me but I can't take her down with me also. When we get to my bike, release her hand,  going to her back and unzip the bag, take her helmet out that’s on top. The color purple for me will always be associated with her and that's never changing. Coming around her I let my spare hand run over her hip. I really did pick the right gear for her, looking at her right now I could just sink in a hole. Anytime she was in her gear before I would just not look or only pay attention to her eyes which sometimes was the harder option. 

"Fuck you're so gorgeous." I mumbled not meaning to, and she looks up to me. "You're lying, Yoon." 

Looking at her right now under the night sky next to my bike, my escape the extension of myself. Hell at this point she may be an extension of myself in ways the universe won't understand.  "Violet, do you understand what I have told you multiple times before. I love everything about you, your eyes, hair, curves, hips, god your fucking ass I have to stop myself from looking at, personality, fucking everything about you. I would let you drown me and I'd accept my fate. So before you go and say I'm lying, look at yourself because you're lying to yourself Miss pineapple." 

Her head is already tilted up in shock, I place a kiss on her forehead and put her helmet on her. Those eyes stare at me through the shield. They are beautiful. Breathtaking. Enchanting.  If this is the last ride I'm gonna have with her for a while I'm gonna use it until I no longer have it. Shaking her head to make sure it's good can't let habits go away right? 

"Yoongi stop that! I'm gonna be dizzy one day and fly off the back." 

Getting close to her face and looking at her in the eyes "Oh yeah looks like I’ma have to hold onto your thigh the entire time then" 

Turning to get my helmet off her seat, buckling it up, swinging my leg over and turning on my bike to warm up since it's a cold night gotta let the engine warm up before going. I hold my arm around for her and she leans on me to swing herself over. Something about these small things we do mean so much to me it's a thing we only do together. Anyone else doesn't get this from me; she sees another side of me and I'm willing to let down that wall for her.

"Vi my terms tonight, my songs kay?" 

I hear her voice over the in helmet speaker "what my playlist isn't good enough?" 

"Nah I just wanna zone into my songs tonight, feel the connection with you and the road." 

She hum "mhm okays." 

I feel behind me her positioning to get closer to me and as she is I kick the stand up,  put it in gear to go and I turn the throttle makes us move suddenly makes her jolt forward and wrap her arms around me.  

"Min Yoongi you're really tryin to kill me huh?" 

"Who said I'm tryin you kill you when you already took my heart" 

I hit play, on my playlist I play when I'm alone in my thoughts on my late night rides she is gonna hear songs I never have played for her. Music is the only other thing I make a connection with.  

I rev my bike and she has her wrapped around my waist. It is different feeling her like this after today, I look down and I see her gloved hands fingers intertwined holding on ready to go. I rev my bike and reach my arm back to give her thigh a squeeze. "Let's go, wife." 

"Since when am I your wife?" 

"Didn't you hear? We got married not long ago looks like Mrs. Min needs a refresher course." 

Before she can say anything I take off time to go on the highway. I feel the way my bike feels and I'm already feeling lost in the feeling. The beat of the music coursing through my veins her touch. This is everything to me. My brain may be different from others but that's who I'm and I have found my ways to cope.  In other situations I have found ways to distance myself from it all, before I never let myself enjoy riding with her to the extent I feel right now because I knew if I did I would go too far and there would be no returning. Straight into hell I go. 

We're about to go on the ramp to the highway. I'm gonna take the longest way I can tonight, indulge myself in this. I give her a squeeze on her left thigh to give her the indication we're about to turn. She knows we're about to go on the highway so she needs to hold on tighter, thighs gripping me tighter. I'd like to feel them in other ways.  I lean left and I feel her lean with me and as we come out the turn I speed up to merge onto the highway. 

"Hold on."

"You think I haven't done this before? It's not my first time."

"Watch your mouth Vi, bad girls don't get what they want huh?" 

"And what do I want? mhm?" 

"Me." 

She doesn't reply but just squeezes me, I feel her helmet rest on my back. I know I caught her tongue she hasn't seen this side of me, for me in a relationship and a partner I need to be the dominant one for me I feel like I lose a lot of my control with my brain and emotions so I feel the most alive when I'm in control honestly I know we're no where close to that but I hope she is okay with that. 

The highway is empty, it's late and there are very few cars going in and out of the lanes passing by the few cars. My brain feels light, floaty, free I'm free there are no intrusive thoughts it's all gone I feel normal whatever that is.  I smile. This is what I miss out a lot of the time and when I get it, it's euphoric. 

Her body pressed against mine, she could drain everything from me and I’d still choose her every time. It sounds terrible but when you're like me this feeling doesn't come often. I truly don't know how I'm gonna do it without her but if it's not for her it's for myself to prove I have made the progress. I'm okay without her, strong enough. Right?

"Ready for some fun, you know what I’ma do." 

Her fingers tighten and I know it's time I pop the wheel up and lean back. I hear Violet in the speaker scream at the top of her lungs.  

"I love you Min Yoongi." did she just say that while doing this she really wants us dead huh. Grounding,  and slowing down just a little bit reaching my hand back squeezing her thigh. 

"You can't just scream that Vi. My heart can't take it."

"Looks like we gotta toughen you ups big fish, cause’ you're gonna hear it a lot." and she lets out a laugh.  

I give her a squeeze on the right side as we're about to go down a tunnel. "Right tunnel let's light it up" with that we turn right and the only thing in the tunnel is our neon red and purple helmet lights bouncing off the sides of the tunnel. It's just me and her in our own world and I'm not ready to let it go. "This song Yoon, it's amazing, add it to my playlist." She likes my music. This can't get better can it, I have to be dreaming. In my utopia. 

"Yoon can we have a sleepover?" 

"Well if I'm your husband I have to sleep with my wife right?" 

"I guess you're right gotta make sure you're not cheatin'" 

"I would never cheat, but with someone like you I gotta worry if someone stealing you away from me."

I reach my hand back and rub her thigh god what I would do to feel her thigh against my hand her skin, giving her a squeeze. We are about to turn turn off the highway to go to her apartment, as we lean I keep my hand on her thigh just a little bit longer I tell myself. We come to a stop. I don't need to give her a warning because she knows there is a stop sign at the end of the ramp. The only light is us lighting up the road and the red light waiting to turn green. Hell most of the turns she doesn’t need warning we know this city from the back of our hand. 

"It's peaceful tonight, Yoon we should sleep with the blinds open and the window." 

"We can do anything you want, Princess." 

It turns green and I squeeze her to turn and we go down the road into the night. I keep extra clothes at her house yet I'm just the best friend's brother huh? She buys all my favorite snacks and cooks my favorite food. I have my own spot on her bed. Yeah I'm just the best friend's brother. 

Going down the road to her apartments thank god Hana and her picked a safe area I made sure they would be okay alone. When Hana moved out I turned into the phone call away type of thing and anytime Vi was on edge I found myself in her bed with a pillow between us, because she said "No the couch will hurt your back just sleep with me." 

Pulling into my own spot that I have claimed right out front the building that Hans used to have, kick the stand and lift my arm to help her off. She swings her leg over and loses her balance and I pull by her arm to catch her before falling and she falls into my arm. "Careful, Vi can't have you breakin' on me when I just got you." 

She gains her balance,  she is standing in front of me waiting for me to take her helmet off for her. I turn off my bike. At night once the bike is off its pitch black yet all that can be seen is our red and purple against the pavement, swinging my leg over standing in front of her lifting the shield on my helmet tapping her chin. She lifts up and I unbuckle it, pulling it off her head, setting it down behind me. I straighten her hair for her and give her head pats that she is good to go. 

"Yoon! Can I take your helmet offs?" She wants to do what I do for her every time. Cute. 

"Sure let me sit on the bike Kay?"

I sit down on my bike with both my feet to one side, she steps up in between my legs and taps my chin like I always do for her. Yoongi you are doing this to see her smile go along with what she wants, not like I could say no to her anyway.  She is trying to unbuckle it and I see her tongue peek out trying to focus on unbuckling it.  Her brows are crossed, she is so focused that she doesn't even flinch when I place my hands on her hips. I hear the metal click. 

 She did it, took it off and placed it between me and her. She starts to fix my hair for me, her fingers running through my hair and it feels so calming, like when my mom would play with my hair when we were waiting on a room for me in the hospital she was trying to comfort me during the long wait of finding a bed for me many nights.  I'm grateful for the family I have. You know how they say men fall for the woman who reminds them of their mother, yeah she is so much like her. It's like a warm hug anytime I'm around her.  

"Ya done?" She nods her head proud that she did it. Grabbing both our helmets, taking them inside for the night she has the backpack on and we make our way to the door,  she enters in the building code. 134340. *beep* and the door unlocks,  we make our way to the elevator she is on the third floor. “Uh I forgot the code again. They gotta spot changing it every three months for safety. Blah. blah. Blah. Oh! My keys.” she starts to tap her pants 

“Damn it left the backup key in my pants at the aquarium.”

"Well lucky you I have the code memorized, and your spare." and I'm just the best friend's brother rolling my eyes. 

"Mister, did you just roll your eyes at me? You won't get your favorite snacks." she crosses her arms at me and pouts. I'm falling and I can't get back up help . Help me. I look at her and hear the *ding* for the elevator. 

"I didn't mean to please forgive my snack Princess. I need my snackies." 

"If I must." She lifts her head up and walks out the elevator to go to her door. I can't get enough.

 Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple. 

We get to her unit and my keys are in my pocket, but both my hands are currently holding our helmets. "Get my keys from my pocket. Left one Vi" 

She comes up to me and reaches into my left pocket and goes to unlock the door for us, she steps inside and turns on the light. I walked in and set our helmets on the entryway table she had to have that I carried here for Four blocks with her yelling at me "common we got this." 

"You're barely doing anything VI I'm holding it!" 

"Oh yeah, but we got this Yoon! Two more to go!" 

She did have to give me snacks and a back massage for that one.  We get into our night routine, she is in the kitchen making some dinner for us and I go to her room and set out our pajamas we're going to wear, laying them on her small leather sofa. I picked out some black sweat pants and a big navy shirt. She on the other hand will be wearing her purple pajamas gosh she is a child at heart but I love everything about her. 

My job is also to get the bed ready so I fold down the sheet and comforter since she always has to make her bed saying "I don't feel complete without it made in the morning." grabbing my pillow from her side that she of course stole and setting it on my spot,  placing another in the middle a body pillow to separate our halves of the bed.  I walked out and she made us some ramen quick and easy dinner tonight.  

"Your favorite sir." and she takes a bow and moves her left hand over stomach like she is a noble queen or king. "Thank you Princess, as always." going to sit on her couch. It's big, white, and fluffy. It's one of the most cozy couches I have ever been on. I see why she chose it every time I sit on it.  She sits her ramen on the coffee table, runs to go get us some drinks,sets them on the coasters and plops down on the couch and rubs her hands together like she is evil or something. She always gets so excited for food. Pulling my phone out I need to let Jin know I won't be home. 

Me: Hey sleepin at Vi tonight, got something to tell you tomorrow. 

Jin: You got your meds? Do I need to run them by and put them on your bike? Say you gotta check on something? 

Me: Uhh well beat me to it. I told her and Jin you were right as always. I'm rolling my eyes as we speak. She accepted everything, but there's more I need to tell you. I had my rescue took a xan I needed it don’t  have my main. I'll be home in the morning to take it, not staying out all tomorrow promise. 

Jin: SEE. I. TOLD. YOU. She would accept you and not look at you differently you didn't believe. Give me my ten bucks. Pay up. 

Jin: Also good good but if you need I'll run them by if something changes you know I'm a call away. 

Me: I know thank you Jin and yes I'll give you your ten bucks tomorrow.  Ugh. Night Jin. you and Hobi don't enjoy our apartment too much. 

Putting my phone on the table and grabbing my ramen this girl is already munching and blowing out as she takes more in because she can't wait for it to cool down. "Ahh you burned me noods." 

"Well how about to wait until the noods are colder." 

"Nopes they too good. Nummy." 

I turn on the tv to her favorite show which is of course slice of life anime, fruits basket. 

"Oooo what episode are we watching tonight Yoon?"

"I’ma put on a random one by the looks of it we are now at rewatching it for the tenth time"

I eat on my ramen as she is munching away, laughing at the tv like a kid watching their favorite cartoon. I could never get enough of it. These small mundane things make life seem worth it to me, even with Jin when we cook together or even just lounge watching tv, playing video games, or fishing because he loves it and I don't understand the hype but I do it for him it all makes life seem worth it. Slurping up my last bit of noods. Fuck I'm around her too much huh? She is on the couch still in riding gear knees to her chest intently watching her show after finishing her food. 

I stand up, grab both our bowls, set them in the sink,  go and run her bath and put in her favorite vanilla bubble bath to make sure it's bubbly because "You can't ever have enough bubbles, how am I gonna make a bubble beard." I can picture it now with her pointer finger raised like she is telling me something oh so important, and this woman is a lawyer. Sometimes I can't believe it but I have seen her in the courtroom and she turns it into her own place and makes sure she is known and in charge. She really does have many sides to her and I want them all. 

Walking out of the bathroom she is totally zoned into the show with Tohru and Kyo tension.  I hear a small "Come on tell her to love her." shaking my head and grabbing the remote to turn off and pressing the button and that catches her attention. 

"Yoon! I was about to tell Kyo how he needs to finally confess." 

"Oh yeah? you know what happens. Tell him next time it's time for a Bath after a long day." 

She sighs at me and gets off the couch and starts to run to the tub "you get my clothes?" 

"There on the couch as always" 

I hear a small "Thank yous." As she shuts the door, picking up her house a little bit, she has case papers all over her table, putting them in one stack and collecting all the unopened mail. I see a letter from her dad in jail. I'll have to check on that later, not tonight. She will be in there for while I go grab my clothes,  change in her room. She is used to this routine. I shower in the morning, and her a bubble bath at night. We’re opposites on that. Once I'm all changed I go and lay down on the couch and put on her show. She doesn't need to know I enjoy the show as much as she does.  

I hear the bathroom door lock click. She is done after almost a full episode,  she runs with a towel wrapped in her hair and around her body,  shuts her door to change and once she is done she is running out here with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around her like a cape "Yoon! Did you yell at Kyo for me?" 

"You bet your perfect ass Vi, I did." She smiles and wiggles her head a little bit.  She lays on my chest under my arm that is spread out on the couch. She likes to call it her "Pocket." We lay  here watching tv until she can no longer keep her eyes open and I have to force her to go to bed. It's our routine. I love it. 

After watching three episodes she is slowly closing her eyes on and off.  She is about to crash I can tell. I slowly remove my arm from her and go turn the tv off, walk to her room, open the curtain and window since she said she wanted to sleep with them open. I only allow it since she is on the third floor. If she had a bottom unit it would be staying shut for safety. I walk to the living room and put up our cups in the dishwasher, go to shake her "Hey Vi night night time kays?"

"Mhmm sleep out here." 

"No, the couch hurts your back, remember?" 

"I be finesssss Yoongs" she adds emphasis on the ‘s’ 

I pull the blanket off her and pull her by her arms,  she stands up and leans her head on me. "You're never gonna let me sleep on my couch huh?" 

"Nope you won't let me, I won't let you." 

Making our way to her room, I turn off the light and she plops on her bed, snuggles in her soft sheets. This woman has the softest sheets I have ever felt. No wonder she sleeps so well. "Night night Yoonie." she really is like a child when she is tired I swear she sleep talks. 

I make my way to my side and pull the covers and slide into bed. The moon is casting over us and I look and see the stars. Maybe there is another us swimming around in the ocean exploring everything there is to see, when I'm here about to lose her for a while. I can live knowing another me is with her swimming around. Yeah we're fish.  

"Yoon can we move the pillow tonight please? Are you comfortable without it?"

I never thought I would hear those words come from her. It's been so long since we've been this close takes me back to our Sunday morning cuddles before everything changed, until now. Of course I’m comfortable, hell if I get to hold her maybe my head will shut up for once before bed and I won't just lay in the dark thinking.  

"I'll be more than happy to remove my competitor from all these years, Vi." 

She lets out a laugh. It sounds like heaven, moving the pillow out of my way and right when I do she scoots in, wraps an arm around my waist. I haven't been this close to something sleeping, well in forever. Any of  those one-night stands I left right after and since thenI apologized to the girl. I couldn't explain why fully. My brain doesn't think about other people in those situations. My main goal was relief from my own mind. I haven't done it in years and I plan to never let that side of me cave into that hole again. I hear her take a deep breath "You smell like Yoon."

"Maybe cause’ I'm Yoon."

"No way I'm sleepin with my Yoonie."

"Yeah I'm your Yoonie, he's goin nowhere, get some sleep Vi."

She nods her head “Mhm okays.” tightening around me I could get used to this every night, looking at the night sky from the bed is so calming, hearing her breaths in and out I wonder what she dreams of, am I in it like she is in mine? I feel her leg wrap around me. She is out like a light. It's time for me to sleep, I hear her mumbling. God she is so cute, She really is like a kid. "I hope Yoonie likes me, not mad for leavin." I know she is out of it no use in talking to her about what she just said. Last time she was talking about Torhu and Kyo needing to be together. I just give her a squeeze, shut my eyes. I'm gonna savor this moment because I don't know when the next time I'll hold her like this, there is something so intimate about letting someone into your safe zone not for sex or anything more than just sleeping. It's a special thing. I'm not taking this for granted. "I love you more than you know Violet Rose. I'll always be here waiting for you to come up stream needing more water my little fish."placing a kiss on her head drifting off into the night.

Thank you for reading. ₊˚⊹♡

Previous | coming soon

All rights belong to @/Yoon-Topias. Do not copy/ translate.

[perplexingluciddreams]

General ramble update:

ME/CFS crash is the most shittest shitty thing ever to exist. and makes sensory so bad with the sweating and sweating and the temperature dysregulation and the pain and the flushing hot hot face ears neck chest bad angry bad.

and then can't properly regulate sensory OR emotional because swing is make sore and more tired and more flush face ears neck chest.

and in a weird weather point where my usual hoodie makes too warm and sweaty (Worst Bad Sensory Ever), but arms is cold with only t-shirt no hoodie...

AND can't do physio walking because of crash. i thought it got better for a day or two, then did too much (mostly swing), now it is worse than the first part of the crash.

fucking hate ME/CFS it is the cruelest most horrible disease and i so so fucking wish i didn't have it

Also, AFOs still give problems (so can't even wear at this point). we try to contact orthotics people, but honestly i don't know if they can do much different at this point. i don't know if they could edit the ones i have to be wear-able, and if they can't then i really don't want to go through the process of getting another pair made, just for it to not work (and have to struggle with disappointment All Over Again).

i know i said before positive things about these AFOs, but that is my usual mess up of following scripts (copy/borrow words from others) before i even know my own feelings. i mix up anxiety and apprehension and not-sure-yet feelings with excited, because they are all "high" feelings. like buzzy and tense and energy. similar body feeling, maybe? then it is only a while later when i actually process my own body feelings, both for emotions (like anxious and disappointed) and physical sensations (like the pressure-pain from AFOs). it is only then i can say accurate things about the subject. this applies to any subject for me.

and Mum and Dad ordered a recliner chair for me, to put my Recliner Support System (from Special Tomato) on. when the chair comes they will set it all up, then at some point i will try it. but i will learn from my mistakes with speaking too soon on AFOs, and wait a while until i process, then update on that.

i think i am getting very very gradually slower. definitely having more semi-stuck moments where i can still move my body but can't transition task - or can't even know what i am supposed to do next. it is taking me longer and longer each toilet trip, i get stuck sitting on the toilet and between each step. it is affecting all my movements, but i try not to compare the walking part too much since there is other factors in that.

i want to write much more about regression and (highly suspected) catatonia stuff. i have a lot to say.

more mood stuff like getting easily "worked up" and aggression, and more getting close to meltdown easily, more hit self without control when i get only a tiny bit upset. but that is also part of ME/CFS crash for me, so i will not judge that until i have longer time to compare it.

also mentally everything is just hard. (which is also partial explanation for the quick aggression and mood shit). i "clock out" or "shut off" most of the time, because i simply don't have the time, ability, energy, to even think about everything that is happening/has happened to me. whether due to health shit, past trauma, regression/decline... it is all too much. brain loud. and loud = takes more energy. so, i can't.

this post seems overall quite negative, i think. but that is just my mental place recently. it is not always quite this bad internally for me. but when it is bad, i can't pull myself out of it, i don't have that ability, i can't regulate like that. only suppress and ignore and avoid, in hopes of avoiding meltdowns. my only hope is swing swing swing, music, watch things, and shut off clock out brain. don't let myself think or feel or remember the reality. just live in the safe parts of my brain's inside world.

hopefully i will have more positive feeling soon, and maybe happier things to share. although it is important for me to share the shit stuff too, it gets out of my brain a bit this way, relieve some pressure. i just wish i could get more out (of past things and memories, mostly. that is what makes the most noise in my head).

at least i have sensory galaxy light projector, Downton Abbey, sudoku, and safe music playlist (called "fills brain just right"). 💚

[anonymoushotsexyperson]

This post on twitter PISSED me off and I can't stop thinking about how no one cares about their friends anymore! SOOO here's a blog post about it.

LIKE ALWAYS THE BIG BOLD PURPLE TEXT ACTS AS STAMPS TO BREAK THE READING UP INTO SMALLER SECTIONS TO ACCOMMODATE THOSE WITH SMALLER ATTENTION SPANS WHO ARE MORE INTRIGUED IN ONE PIECE OVER THE ENTIRE POST! ^-^

Reading everything is encouraged though!

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CREATE THE LEVELS OF COMRADERY NEEDED TO OVER THROW THE GOVERNMENT IF YOU MOTHA FUCKAS CANT FIND THE SPACE TO TEXT YOUR FRIENDS BACK?? BESTIE BE SO FUCKING FORREAL!:

(THIS section is a little bit off topic from the rest but I can't HELP but mention it.) I think we should all start doing what the original poster did with our friends to be honest. We need to make space for our feelings and expectations in our friendship. Like learn how to fucking leave space for your community. I may have wrote about this before if not I will def be writing about it soon but the lack of community building and intimate friendship skills in gen z is so harmful in so many ways. Not only does it create this 'loneliness epidemic' ( if you're anything like me you've watched a million YouTube video essays on) but dude... DO YOU THINK ROSA PARKS JUST GOT ON THAT DAMN BUS HER DAMN SELF ON A RANDOM ASS DAY AND IT STARTED A REVOLUTION???? NO. They organized that! IT WAS AN ACTIVIST GROUP WHO DID IT AND PLANNED IT! How do you think black activism was able to prevail through the racist ass civil rights movement? COMMUNITY BUILDING AND GRASS ROOTS ORGANIZING AND GIRL LOOK AT THE STATE OF THE WORLD WE COULD USE THAT RIGHT NOW !

"SOMETIMES YOUR FRIEND IS DEPRESSED" IS AN EXPLANATION NOT EXCUSE (DONT SHARPEN ANY PITCHFORKS YET JUST LISTEN):

NOWWWW listen, I know we are all at our own pace with interpersonal relationships I get that, I can already hear the "Sometimes your friends can be depressed though so maybe YOU should consider that" crowd grabbing their pitchforks but, dude. Especially if you're an adult, you need to learn how to master these obstacles in certain situations. I know this sucks so bad and its unfair but your relationships are still half your responsibility hurting someone because you weren't mentally well still hurt them. I know this better than fucking anyone as someone who has borderline and had to come to terms with that myself. It's an annoying and unfair and hard truth but once you admit it to yourself you can become a better companion. We all have things going on but the people in your life deserve the respect of you at the least attempting to communicate on why you're not upholding the level of intimacy you have set for yourself with said person. Next section are two fairly easy skills to help manage your mental health but be a good friend. ALSO if you're doing the things in the next section with them and your friends still is an ass about it because they don't like the compromise you were able to give or whatever DO be mindful that the relationship is half their responsibility too. Friends should be able to leave space for their mentally ill friends (if they're being properly communicated to and their needs are also being taken into account) that can look like patience understanding and willingness to compromise or lending a helping hand or shoulder to cry on, meeting you where you're at. And if they can't do that after you extend that communication or compromise to them maybe you guys shouldn't be close friends who expect those things from one another or possibly not friends at all but thats up to you to choose!

A TIP FOR YOU DEPRESSED BITCHES :

( I use bitch and hoe as terms of endearment I love my depressed shawty baes)

You bad at communicating and you about to ghost all your friends? Well before you do or better yet when you're in a healthy state of mind tell them thats a problem you have and if its a friend you're really close to who might still need reassurance when you go ghost try to come up with some compromise like "I will still go ghost in the sense that I won't communicate but ill send memes I see to let you know your on my mind!" or "I will do a week/ monthly check in with you but thats all I have the energy for." (remember not to abuse these strategies though! throughout your journey of healthy confrontation you will learn how to discern between whether or not you are using them because you genuinely need them in that moment or if its because you are closing yourself away from the world a toxic amount and need to face your feelings around and with other people)

A TIP FOR YOU HOES OUT THERE WHO HAVE TROUBLE COMMUNICATING :

Muster up the strength to say or set up something like this maybe before you enter that state of mind while you're still in the good place! "hey I have a habit of doing ____ if i'm not in a good place. So when you text me I will text back this same funny meme or tiktok etc as a symbol to let you know i'm in I wanna die mode!" this is a way to communicate to your close friends that you're in a bad headspace at the moment and can't give much energy to the friendship without really having to say anything besides the first time you bring it up if you're uncomfortable all you have to do is send that meme or maybe emoji etc! (Make sure you aren't abusing this strategy to avoid working on your communication issues though because that can regress your communication abilities and friendships even further this is something you will learn and determine for yourself through trial and erorr)

Remember both of these sections are first steps but we also wanna work on being able to compromise SOMETIMES when we haven't left the bad place yet but I know many of you aren't ready for that. SO I won't scare y'all away.

OVERALL TAKE/ CLOSING STATEMENT:

Maybe you're someone who genuinely can't maintain close intimate friendships with sensitive people and maybe i'm wrong here and this might offend you but in most cases I believe thats not true. A lot of people are just scared of sensitivity and emotions. A lot of people are fed up with life and won't allow themselves to push passed their own imaginary limits to open up the can of worms that truly is making and maintaining intimate friendships.

The truth is a lot of us ARE sensitive, but we make ourselves smaller for all the people we love because "they have other stuff going on". I can't help but think if you agree with the qrt or had an 'its not that deep' reaction thats the qualities of being a bad friend (and its not your fault because within especially western individualist culture and patriarchal culture thats what we are taught to be but UNLEARN it).

Also I understand being traumatized by someone who was really sensitive and didn't know how to communicate and they became abusive, I also understand that having a sensitive friend again after that can be triggering. I'm so sorry that happened to you. BUT I hope you don't let your abuser take away this learning experience from you because healthy confrontation once learned is such a beautiful thing. ALSO healthy confrontation doesn't mean devoid of any emotion or things that make you uncomfortable don't expect people who are upset at you to shit sunshine and fart rainbows but its important to make sure you're NOT being verbally abused either. (I will make a post soon about healthy confrontation soon and what that looks like). Hey i'm not saying the original poster had the healthiest response either (im pretty sure the kms thing was meant to be a self deprecating joke not actual emotional manipulation keep that in mind) but it is a natural response to being hurt and more than likely the type of response you give after multiple offenses not just one thing. That is the behavior of someone who's felt ostracized for a while. I would not in any way shape or form consider it an abusive response though yeah it makes you uncomfortable, which circles me back around to the beginningof this. Stop making yourself smaller for the people you love, it's okay to make things uncomfortable by mentioning your feelings because they need to learn to be comfortable with talking about things.

If you continue to make yourself smaller for the people you love, one day you will look around you and you will see all the people you love, but you won't see the people who love you and... that? THAT is pain.

so reader, what do you think? Leave a comment even if you disagree! I genuinely wanna know.

[thessalian]

Thess vs Multi-Layer Problems

I mean, obviously I love hunting unfeasibly big robot creatures. But a lot of what I love about this game is the little things, and how even a "we're going on a hunt" side quest has ... layers. Not that I started out on hitting a side quest, but ... you know. Limited time, given that I have work in a bit.

Alrighty. Lemme just travel down this coastline hunting up gulls. I need gull feathers.

Well. Lemme get the Clawstriders out of my way first.

And the Snapmaws.

This has been a pretty successful little hunt. I bet that settlement has a workbench.

Tide's Reach, huh? I bet-- Ah, yeah, there's the green exclamation point. But they do have a workbench.

And a hunter kit trader. I can dump some vendor trash!

...You have FROSTCLAW WEBBING! GIMME!

Oooooooh, Utaru Gravesinger armour. Even if I don't necessarily use it, I love the look of it.

(I might use it anyway, though).

Aha! Upgrade 4 for my current armour! And now I just neeeeed ... a ... Frostclaw circulator. Still going to have to hunt one of those little buggers. And Stormclaw bits. Well, at least I know where a few of those hang out.

Okay, now we see about quest. Hey, guys; s'up?

...Oh.

.........Ooooh. Yeah, I have a feeling I know what's up with Garokkah, but a) I doubt Aloy knows and b) that's probably bad in a society that kills the disabled.

Right. I actually set up a shelter near where he was last seen. Good. Saves me the walk.

Okay, Garokkah, where'd you go? ...Oh. Wow. That ... is a lot of traps.

That ... do sod all damage. Why did you use acid traps on Acid Clawstriders?!?

Oh well. Let's save this poor dude. POONK.

You're trying to save ... your squad? From ... an ambush. And ... you don't recognise the term "rebels". And ... you brushed off having stabbed your daughter. And ... yeah, okay, I do know what this is.

...Oh. Ouch. I want to hug this poor dude.

Yes, we will definitely put your memorial back together. I would bet--

Yep. Clamberjaws. FUCK OFF, YOU THIEVING LITTLE MECHANICAL FUCKWITS.

Right. Please don't tell me that you're going to kill yourself to avoid being a burden to your clan (or to do it yourself rather than forcing them to) if I leave you here...

Okay, no. Good. And ... they know about this. And have things in place to deal with it.

See, this is the sort of thing that really makes one think. Because, like they said, in the Tenakth, before Hekkaro and the clans uniting and the Carja raids, life expectancy was minimal. They noticed Alzheimer's in Chaplains because they didn't tend to die in battle, so they thought it was only for Chaplains, and now they're learning different.

Also ... killing the mentally ill ... I guess it depends on the illness. People like Boomer probably not so much, but ... consider. Everything wants you dead - machines, other tribes, the Carja... And then you have someone who's been training for war all their lives, so they're strong and have access to weapons, and if they start getting violent in their own settlements and squads... It's a horrible solution, but without mental health care facilities, what choice do they have? At least now that things are at least slightly more peaceful, they seem to have the leisure to explore more options.

Right. That's settled. Lemme take down a Frostclaw.

Ooh. Rumour. ...Rebel bases. Yeah, I hear you.

Gliiiiiiding down to get that shelter...

Okay, off I go. Huh. What's this?

That ... is a drone. No time now, but I know what I'm doing later.

Right. Hi, Frostclaw! ...Bye, Frostclaw. POONK.

Okay, got my circulator. Gotta hunt some Stormbird at some point. But now I gotta log off for work.

Really looking forward to very long weekend. Mostly because I'm having that "feel like I'm being stabbed" feeling in my left shoulder blade. This is going to be a hard day.

[christopherchavezoasis-blog]

The beginning

 In November of 1990, on a snowy winter evening, a baby weighing 9 pounds 7 oz was born (Damn!). His destiny and success written in the cosmos, but how could he know? This child was born in a time where adversity and struggle where the name of the game! A time for him to grow and learn from his parents about what it should be like to be an adult. He knew not of his own parents struggles. He didn't know that every day was another day that we where just happy to be in a warm place with food on the table. As a child you don't recognize these things. The world is so full of wonder and excitement that all of these huge things in the adult world seem silly to a child.

 My life was happy as a child. It was filled with love and laughter and its fair share of craziness. Now was it all sunshine and daisy's? Absolutely not! But we always loved each other. Our family struggled very hard early on. Breaking generational curses can be the hardest thing to overcome. Especially when no one sees a problem. See my family are a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts. We have all individually struggled with our own addictions throughout our lives. (They say it is passed down in your DNA and it is very rare that you come out untouched by the long dark fingers of addiction and I believe this to be very true.) I thought that the alcoholism and drug use happening all around me my entire life was normal. As this was an everyday occurrence it never seemed to me to be a bad thing. It wasn't until later in my life (When i was committed to the state of Idaho) did i realize that this was just my own paradigm of the situation I was in. When asked by someone “Do you believe that everyone has smoked weed at one time in their life” I responded “Of coarse they have, how else would they deal with society at large?” The man responded “Well young man, i can tell you this. i have been alive 58 years and of those years i have never indulged in any marijuana”. My immature brain blurted out “Well that's probably why you are so boring”. He went on to tell me that a lot of the things in our lives that we believe are a product of the environment that we are raised in.

The environments that we are raised in, the situations we endure and the struggle we must overcome to become better than those before us seems like a daunting task. The chips are stacked against us. We start behind. And it is all because of the lack of information those before us had. The lack of abilities and knowledge they where given to teach us. The generations before us FUCKED UP, like, a ton. But a lot of that has to do with their lack of access to the information we have now. Could you imagine if your grandparents had the access to mental health experts the way we do today? We would be so much further! But life happens in moments. Small, large, medium and every size in between. We give those moments meaning. All of them. So, when we are out here in the world just willy-nilly giving moments their meaning individually then we are all set to experience life different based off of our ENVIRONMENT that we where raised in and our life experience up until that point. We aren’t meant to play the blame game and point the finger at our parents. We are meant to stand up and take accountability for our actions. Own our decisions and grow from them. 

This is the beginning. The beginning of my story and the beginning of me opening up my life's book for you all to see. This is not a story simply of just addiction and strife. This is a story depicting the struggle of a boy becoming a man in todays world. The story of a young man making his way through adversity. The story of a young adult trying everything he could to just feel like he mattered and the story of a successful man who cares deeply for his community and the people closest in his life. A man that can be revered. A man that has the the strength to go on. The strength to fight and the will to never give up. A man that is worthy of being looked up too. 

[thedovahcat]

Gorillas and the Barely Touched Transference of Credits

Finally went over to the student login page to see what on my transcript counted towards GEs. Shockingly or not, only 4 classes out of my whole degree were transferable towards the GE’s.

On one hand I’m not too shocked, and on the other I sort of am. Looking over it again, I’m going to have to ask an advisor about at least one or two of them, any class I can get knocked off will be immensely helpful. What I really am bummed about is my Geometry class not transfering but...For the best really. I’m practicing maths right now so that will take care of that.

I’ll need to schedule that math-English-grammar assessment test thing soon, I took a practice test just to gauge where I’m at right now and I scored 80% so, not bad! Just gotta keep periodically doing it and re-taking it.

AND I got a 100% on my quiz and unit test for math today earlier this morning. Overall the day’s been pretty all right! I just feel overwhelmed at how much is happening so fast and needing to go from 0 to 100 with all these paper signings and preparings and what have you.

Dad asked me again today if I’m sure I don’t want to just put the money I’m spending towards my mental health assessment into college again, but I stood firm on that. I’m still really nervous that I’m going to be brushed off and told I’m as normal as they come. Cuz then it really WILL feel like a waste, but, talking with some mutuals really helps me a lot. They’re able to tell me what they know/offer advice and reassure that I’m not just faking all this for attention. It’s such a hard thing to grasp and now I understand why people struggle so much with it. This is all new territory for me so... yeah. It’s just wild.

FAFSA is kind of a bust this year because I worked two years ago but I expected that unfortunately, and no word on the scholarships yet. Money really frightens me right now but I’m absolutely against loans at the moment. I have enough to swing it but it’s going to hurt. Still, you put in a fair chunk of money going to school in hopes you’ll be able to make it all back and more later on.

I’m really nervous about all the studying that lies ahead. After counting everything I’ll be in CC for at least 2 years just plowing through GE’s, which will be nothing but busy work for me. That much I’m certain of. So...the next two years at minimum are decided for me, generally speaking. I don’t know, I still somehow feel like...a sense of dread about it. Like I’m wasting my time, but I’m absolutely -not!-. Mostly a big fear I have is by the time I get out of school and get into work, the pets are going to start keeling over just like when I graduated college and got my first job. I only got to enjoy a few months of that before everyone started like...dying to disease around here. Tato’s going to be 6 years old this February and I’m glad he’s doing well! Him and Riley are both being taken care of so much more carefully and more prompt..ly.. than the other two were. Not that we didn’t care, but we didn’t know! First time long-time cat owners and all. Now we’ve learned. I hope they’re both around for a long long time and get to see the days when I have a good job and everything is going well!

So there’s that.. Every day that goes by too I’m able to hide less and less in my video games and that’s really scary for me as well. Things are starting to ‘lose their color’ if you would, I’m just...bored. And I don’t want to be bored, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve talked about this kind of thing before. And like I’ve told myself, this is the low point right now, the preparation, the quiet. Once all this is set up and I actually start, things will be on the up again. They always are. I hope me and my friends are all in better places and still alive by that point in time certainly!

In some other minor, brighter news, I just have my new motherboard to recieve in the mail before I can start putting in the new parts into my computer! I’ve been needing to beef this thing up, it’s 7 years old now. And if I’m diving into computers, yeah, that was a necessary and good decision. Need to stop by Best Buy tomorrow. I should probably get a webcam.

So...just gotta wait for Wednesday mental assessment now! And see how I feel after that. I really really want to open commissions and right now I’m expecting to after that’s all taken care of! If I need more time to recover though of course. I’m going to give myself that time. Learning to give myself time away from things and forcing myself to preoccupy my time and attention with more important and usually often IRL things has been a learning experience. I can’t say I’m crazy about it, but... You gotta do what you gotta do.

Anyway! A little status report...a long status report. But, today things are OK. Thank god.

[aebenvs3000w23]

My Relationship with Nature

My current relationship with nature is something I describe as beautiful. I use nature, the great outdoors, as a de-stressor and an escape from day to day life.

My husband and I go on many camping adventures. Not only is it a cheap way to travel, it is also a great way to be immersed in nature for a week or weekend. I always find myself coming back from our camping trips relaxed and more grounded. I feel a sense of having a recharged attitude in my daily life. Sure, I may be a little tired and dirty (depending on the shower arrangements), but I always wish I could stay out in the wilderness longer.

(My daughter, Mary Ellen, and my two dogs Charlie (blond) and Oliver (black) at Valens Lake Conservation Area)

There is an abundance of research that proves many different types of natural experiences can be linked with mental health benefits. There are both cognitive and physiological benefits to walking in a natural environment verses an urban setting (BRATMAN et al., 2019). There is a large range of evidence that proves being in nature can benefits someone’s mental health on a short-term basis (BRATMAN et al., 2019). There is still work to be done to determine the effects on long term mental health (BRATMAN et al., 2019).

As a child, my family had a seasonal trailer in the Bruce Peninsula filled with a lot of amazing memories. I feel like the summers I spent in the area shaped me into the nature lover I am today. We were always out adventuring. Whether that meant walking around the camp ground, swimming in Georgian Bay, or what we called “bear hunting” which was really just family car rides at dusk looking for black bears and other wild life.

(Exploring the open waters in the Bruce Peninsula with my family)

One big thing that we did was Explor the Bruce. It was this amazing program where yearly they would come out with Explor the Bruce “passports” and you would have to hit all of the locations on the passport. It was a great way to see the area and learn new things.

(My younger sister, Hannah, stamping a stop off of her Explor the Bruce passport)

One person who was always leading the exploration was my dad. My dad is the kind of guy who knows everything. As we would walk these new trails he would point out the different types of trees, and explain what formed the pot holes we would pass. He would very carefully help us look out over the escarpment and allow us to be amazed and full of wonder over how beautiful it was. I was always amazed by how much knowledge my dad had and as an adult I realized there is so much more to learn.

I hope this course helps me define my true feelings of nature better than I have above. Nature is one of the very few things that can make a bad day better and fill my sole with warmth.

https://www.science.org/doi/full/10.1126/sciadv.aax0903

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Two, Part 1

-465 "I didn't say it'd be good for us." "Chris?" Dr. Sarah Fischer said, holding the door to her office open. I pulled down my headphones and set down the month old People magazine I wasn't really reading on the table next to me. Back on to a pile of old magazines. I always wondered why waiting room magazines were always weeks behind, if not months. I stood up out of the uncomfortable waiting room chair I had been slouching in and headed through the door.

I'd been seeing her since I moved to Milwaukee, off a recommendation from my old therapist in Oconomowoc. I knew, even with the move and fresh start, I'd have to continue in therapy. Keep some grip on my moods. Plus, I take Lithium Carbonate as one of my nightly cocktails. Lithium use needs to be monitored every couple of months. I had no choice. My head wasn't safe for me if I didn't. My body could become very unsafe if I didn't. And so, I did. Every other Thursday for an hour, I sat in the same chair, stared at her and tried my damnedest to be open and truthful about everything.

Therapy doesn't work if you do nothing but lie to your therapist. Trust me. I know this.

Sarah wasn't a bad looking woman. She was short, like 5'5" with heels kind of short. But she was warm, inviting and extremely good at her job. At least, she was with me. She didn't let me get away with any bullshit. Which is exactly what I needed. She makes me talk.

I sat down in the same chair I sat for every single appointment. I didn't realize the chair I sat in the first time would be the only spot I would ever sit in. Apparently, I'm a creature of comfort. She pulled a rolling desk chair up in front of me and sat down. In her right hand was a clipboard with a yellow legal pad. You know the ones.

Her office wasn't very large. A desk sit in one corner of the room, at a slight angle. A laptop sat open on top of it, and next to that was a monitor connected to the PC below the desk. Otherwise, her desk was papers and forms, and in one corner a small cactus that she probably got at Walmart or something. The only plant that is hard to kill with forgetfulness. Against the wall was a large bookshelf, filled with psych books and the DSM 4. That one was just about outdated. The DSM 5 would be approved in December of that year. I had a brief period where I was rallying into mental health issues. Like the types and how they can affect a person's life.

"How are we doing today?" She asked. This is how every single meeting I had with her started. The ceremony had begun. Now came the ritual. Our quiet little war dance.

"I'm doing pretty good, I guess," I had learned a long time ago, that if you want to get something out of therapy, you need to tell the truth on every single question. Even the one's that seem so small can have serious consequences down the line.

"Anything new?"

"Kind of. Maybe. You know what, I have no idea," I said. Even though I had been in therapy three years, I still had issues fully opening up. At least at the start of each session. It was as if I had forgotten how to talk. It never lasted long, but it was still odd.

"I met someone the other day. An actual breathing and living girl."

"Oh really? As in a friend or something different." She was scribbling already.

"I say that it was just friends, but Chad says it was more than what I'm seeing." She knew about Chad already. She knew where Chad stood in my life at this time.

"Well, what happened?" She jotted another line on to the pad.

"I literally ran into her. I wasn't paying attention...Oh, I've officially dropped out too. Guess I should mention that." I had dropped out. I had forgotten about that already. It didn't seem important anymore.

[kidmachinate]

Fast Or Slow?

I swear at one point, I was Alakazam. Or would feel like I imagine one would be. On top of the world, making decisions, on point with what people did and why, good judge of character, etc. The more life passes me by, the more I relate more to Slowpoke. Life, thoughts, relationships, everything gets slower and slower.

A slow thought process isn't so bad. Gives you more time to think things over. I wish that's all it was. Your brain literally gets slower. You forget more things. You slip on things that are usually routine. You forget an important date. You don't show up at a set time for something. Your gaming reflexes aren't what they used to be. It's not just getting older however. It's the weight of life's trials and tribulations and heavens forbid you've had a scenario or two where you can be like “it's the trauma” because then you really get messed up.

Blamed for too many things that aren't your fault. Yelled at because things aren't going a certain way. Yelled at because things are going a certain way but not quite as expected. Mental health not taken seriously in favor of academics. You just lose the desire to speak out, or hesitate to say anything anymore.

Even with all of the above being true and/or somewhat depressing, I embrace it. I prefer more times than not, to not live life in the fast lane. There are times where I've learned to value that and even embrace it. Life is for living, not for just paying bills, right? Any time I try and live a little it feels like a hard lesson or unexpected emergency is around the corner. I found myself making the same joke a friend or mine did at a gathering…”it's been a good life” upon finding out some news that will have an impact on my finances…which is like…my life. So…let's think about the same financial choices twenty times over like usual, eh? It's a crazy world we live in.

Things can get so bad that slow is good. Embrace the food times for what they are worth…and yeah…people fuck up. We're human. Most people short of some unjust crime or physical/mental abuse deserve a second chance. Slow thinking will do that. Slow can be deadly too, if you piss them off enough. One gets the horns after too many transgressions. Slow also works with being more introverted. It just makes sense. I love Charizard but years later went with Blastoise and objectively think it is the better choice. It was Blastoise that went in my Gen IV Battle Tower team that went the full 100 rounds. Not Charizard. Sorry Charizard. I'll never forget my first but I can't argue with results. A defensive Blastoise with a somewhat suicide Gengar and Dragonite claimed the W.

Today's post/rant is a bit all over the place but so is my current mind. Questioning everyone and everything. It's very much a what am I doing in life kinda day…I know realistically I'm doing what I can and things beyond my control and all that but holy hell…I rather be helping someone out while listening and using “slow thinking” vs my mind racing currently…to an extreme. It's a good time to remember the title of this blog. Truly. I'm sure I'll get through things. It's not like I know it any other way in life…but the in between experiences are the worst…so if my thinking becomes a bit slower, I embrace it. Even if sometimes it takes a bit of help to embrace slow thinking as opposed to the monkey mind that tends to win in times like these.

I have other aspirations this year and I'm not gonna let what feels like an endless cycle of nonsense get in the way of those things. Easy to say now and I may very well be lying to myself, but this is the path I just go on. If there's a “reason” this happened, it's fucked. If you have all your bases covered, one shouldn't have to go through life's torment periods. Such is life however. Peaks and valleys. Slow thinking it is…because “rushing things in the face” right now doesn't appeal to me outside of liquid courage…but I have no audience or small crowd to use my voice for, so it's just me and said liquid courage.

We've been here before. We got this. I'm saying we. Do I have a symbiote bonding with me? Be kind to yourself. Some of the best things in life are slow. Embrace it.

[aspiringroses]

I’m preparing for the first time in my life to set proper New Year’s resolutions. I know there’s a pessimistic view on them and that people fail but my goals are literally about taking care of myself and becoming the woman I wish I was. I work hard in school and at my job but I’ve severely failed at also taking care of myself. My goals are :

- start to properly take care of my hair.

I don’t go to the hair dresser as often as I should (one a year lol), I’ve split ends and my busy stressful schedule often leads my hair to look tired and I get hair loss. It has lead me to feel really insecure about my appearance. I want to figure out what my hair type actually is and what makes it feel and look good.

- fix my gut health

Hot girls have tummy issues after all but damn I’m tired of it. I feel bloated way too often, I feel heavy or I feel drained. The immune system is in the gut and I know it drains on my general health and energy to walk around constantly slightly in pain. I also have a terrible relationship to food where it goes up and down and I’ll have weeks where everything tastes disgusting and I don’t get all the nutrition I need.

- set skin care routine

I do take quite well care of my skin (on my face), but it’s far too irregular of a routine. I feel good when my skin looks and feels nice and I find it calming to take that moment for myself but I do tend to prioritize other things above it far too often. Next year I want to have a proper schedule set for it where I take care of myself on certain days no matter what. I also need to find a proper body lotion and scent that fits me. I want to take some better care of the skin on the rest of my body.

- get a style

I know I dress somewhat nice and it’s not uncommon for me to get compliments on my dressing style but it’s not on the level I wish it was. My wardrobe is kind of a mess and I’ve never really taken the time to figure out my style and what I actually like. I rarely buy myself new clothes (or things overall) and sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who I am when I see myself in the mirror before work. It’s very much a second thought in the mornings and I don’t want that anymore.

- get back into reading and having hobbies

My life revolves around school and work. I have hobbies and I game a lot but it’s not like it was when I was younger. I’m a curious person by nature and I feel a slight mental decline in not taking time to also stimulate my interests, learning something new for the fun of it and learn in some new skills. I feel I’ve become more shy and afraid of trying new things. I also feel often restless when I have time off for myself because I don’t know what I want to do.

- put more effort into my relationships

I love being alone and I’m an introvert by nature so after long days at work and late nights with school I often lack the energy to put down towards other people. I believe in time for myself but I also need a balance of getting back into actually communicating and hanging out with friends, also spending more romantic and fun time with my partner.

- keep it clean!

I’m far too messy for my own good. Sure I don’t live in complete filth but I notice how often I get annoyed at myself for not picking things up or doing laundry earlier etc. in 2024 I don’t want to have these overwhelming moments of “oh wow it’s gotten dirty!”, I want to put a bit of effort every day to keep it somewhat tidy.

- work out.

I give up and I give in. I need to work out. I’m still in my early twenties and my back, knees and shoulders hurt often. I’m not overweight neither do I have any illness or health issue that creates this, I’m literally just a goblin that forgets to sit and stand properly plus the amount of time I spend sitting down by a computer both for work, school and free time is … shameful.

- journal and emotional control

I need to sort my thoughts better, get a firmer grip on my feelings and stop neglecting when my body and mind tells me we are feeling bad. I’ve a tendency to push past every feeling and exhausting myself or losing focus on what it was that I felt. I want to journal more and maybe try mediation again.

I want to do all this and I know to most people who know me.. it’s ridiculous. I’m far from the girl that gets up at five in the morning to drink a green tea and do some stretches before work. But I want to be and I won’t just wake up one day and be that. I’ll still have my lazy days and bad days and so on, but god lord knows I’ve a tendency to wish for health and happiness and stability and routine… while doing nothing to get it. Even if I’m reaching for the starts with these goals…I might not make all of them or do it perfectly but then I’ll at least end up by the clouds and that’s further up than where I started. Wish me luck on this journey ✨

[blossom-to-be]

12/27/2023

I'm writing all of this down before the end of the year so I can set my intentions for the upcoming year. I want to have this to look back onto and hopefully be able to check everything off as completed.

I want to spend this next year bettering myself physically and mentally. I have made HUGE strides in the past few years with all of that but I know there is still so much more work to do.

I am a stay at home mom now. I am up and down off the ground and couch. Bending over and picking up constantly. I have a bad back but I know that a lot of that has to do with my weight. I am already making some strides with this. I am doing OatsOvernight to drink when I'm up at 7 and rely on that to keep me full through 12 or 1. This has been doable. The flavors are amazing and the selection is quite large so I think I can sustain this.

Currently, my back is acting up so I'm working on that to heal up. When I'm finally feeling a bit better, I plan to dedicate time at least 2-3 days a week (if not more) to doing my PT exercises. I spent all that time, energy, and money going to PT, now I just need to stick with it and implement that in my life. The exercises along with going on walks will hopefully help my energy and abilities overall.

I'm going to start watching my portions. This is going to be a HUGE task for me. I have already reached out to join Overeaters Anonymous. I haven't done too much with that just yet as I did a few things last night but I'm setting that ball in motion. I'm dedicated to getting my overeating under control. It's a problem I have been struggling with for so long and a lot of the time I feel like food controls my life. It should NOT be like this. I know this and that's what I'm working to overcome.

This segues into my mental health. Going to OA and finding support there is super important in changing my mind around about food. I am also contemplating finding a behavioral therapist to help me with some intrusive thoughts I've been having. My hormones are still getting under control from the pregnancy and subsequent breast feeding but I'm keeping an eye on my thoughts to try and make sure I'm not getting to a dark place. So far I have been able to put those thoughts to the side and move past them when I think them but it's still pretty tough.

I am also getting massages at least once a month. That will help with my physical self but being able to shut off and just be present. It's a nice and relaxing time to just be. I'm trying to get more in touch with myself. I have never truly felt like I knew myself and the self I do know, I don't particularly like.

I have purchased a tarot deck and an oracle deck. I'm still in the early stages of using them but I'm taking this as a chance to open my mind even more. I'm hoping that these tools will help me find guidance when I need it. I bought a journal to track my readings and reflect on them now and in the future. With this spiritual journey, I'm opening myself up to God. I was raised Catholic and I still do consider myself to be. We've been attending a Lutheran church here and there. We haven't been recently but life has been busy especially one with a one year old. They do stream online so I'm hoping to catch a few of those and maybe try to reconnect to a closeness with God. I know that He is the reason I am where I am and have the things I have and I want to open myself up to being a good person and if that means dedicating time and energy to God then that's where life is guiding me. I simply don't know at this point but I'm excited to find out!

I'm hoping to learn a lot about myself this year. I'm wanting to learn more about myself, both mind and body. I'm switching things up with this blog and I want to sort of use this as a diary. Something I can look back on and see my thoughts and how I've been changing. I'm doing this for me and if I can find other people through this platform to help me or who I can help, then that's even better.

[dinosaurchurch]

2023 is half over; half way done the journey for this year. I've burned bridges, found out what mourning is, said goodbye to certain goals of mine in exchange for others, and regained myself. Everything bleeds together melding into another solid chapter; some closing as another opens but nevertheless I'm still holding out. This year has been a roller coaster ride for sure but my emotions have held steady even through the turbulence.

Having to face ones inner demons manifesting as fears and doubts only to get to the other side with a returned assurance and clarity is quite something. Just when you think you can't do it - can't live without something - you find yourself at the moment where you realize that you'll be okay just as you are. There's things that exist that I've put out of mind mind realizing that they don't mean piddly squat in the long run; I was okay before I knew existed and I'll be okay without them. I think that's what 2023 is turning out to be - the year of clarity for me. Cutting what doesn't need to stay for what does.

It's good to be able to let everything melt away and all of my stress and worries fall off of my shoulders. Having to be okay when shit hits the fan or things don't go to plan is one of the hard pills I've had to swallow over the past couple of year especially - this is just the other side of the storm looking back knowing that I'm here and I'm okay and I will be fine for the future to come. I've had to give up entirely worrying about what other people do whether its bad or good; what's out of my control isn't something that's going to plague my thoughts. As long as I'm doing what I can to be best version of me and doing the right thing simply because it's the right thing to do is the biggest thing that matters.

I can't let the what ifs cloud my judgment. If there's anything I've learned from seeing the hardship other people have endured along with myself it's that I have to remain hopeful for the future spite being well aware that bad things will come and go. It's been hard to flip my perspective to be more positive considering the depressive low that manifested a couple of summers ago, it was something I had to do for myself. Fully letting myself break away from people's expectations of who I should be and how I should act has been freeing in more ways than I expected.

I absolutely won't kid anyone that hitting rock bottom with my mental health was like venturing into hell. There was days I didn't know if I'd see myself again; like old me was no where to be seen and I wouldn't ever find her. It took months for me to return to my usual equilibrium - to have that confident spark return. Forcing myself to step back from my own biases and see the silver lining has brought me a lot of comfort in ironically not having closure or things set in stone - those things I relied on the most - to fully understand what I cherish. It's nothing complex nor lavish but really the small stuff because what's life without all the little impressions that people and memories that are left on us? It's not nearly as rich if you ask me.

2023 has definitely been a strange ride. I was entirely expecting to hit another depressive low during the winter months but I guess turning myself around and getting to appreciate what beauty there is in what little I have has really helped. Gearing myself to expect the worst or at least the inevitable has eased some of the mental stress that I've endured for a long time. I think that's how I managed to release what was plaguing my mind. Knowing that certain things have to happen in order for me to go forward has really settled what I felt uneasy over, I've always managed to carry on even spite what internal battles I've been through.

I don't know what the other half of the year has in store for me but I know that if I've gotten this far then I'm sure I can go farther.

I'm ready.

[angrilymanaging]

This is me, laughing at my own content. I’m not sure where this rant is gonna go, but… Here goes. So I don’t know wtf is wrong with people, Like the whole mental health phenomenon really just…(insert sigh here) I suffer from very real anxiety. I suffer from depression, that is also very real, and until very recently, had spiraled all the way out of control, imagine having to go through that all alone with no support…. Family and friends… who are those? Now a days, I would much rather suffer in silence, than talk to anyone, like I’m really not even wanting to talk to a therapist because people are really trash out here and I like to fight. Because I had dreams in journalism and the new thing is social media I figured I would try my hand at it. So I do all the platforms, my favorites being FB, and Tik Tok. I am definitely going to work out journaling on Tumblr because for whatever reason all this goes hand in hand. I enjoy creating content on photo and video apps. I used to write, I’d like to enjoy it again, learn to become consistent in doing so. My goal right now is daily posting. I will add writing to that as well.

So anyway back to social media and mental health, like all I can think is ugh. It’s disgusting how people pervert EVERYTHING. To give you a banana for scale, I am the type of person who watches a lot of true crime shows, like Forensic Files is a favorite of mine, and snapped. I was having a conversation with my spouse the other day, (My relationship with this person is also a source of juicy content by the way) They asked me if I thought those shows were real, and with a straight face, I admitted that I didn’t. I cannot for the life of me, although I know and understand that there are bad people in the world, but I can not for the life of me, believe that there is a person in this world who would murder their whole family, and set the house on fire. I LOL at the thought of that because until someone murders me and hacks me up, keeps me in a random freezer for a week, and then throws my body in a large fire pit, in a sketchy part of their property, I will never believe people like that actually exist in the world. Yes I do understand that there are Psychos in the world, part of me will never believe that, that type of behavior is apart of it. Unless or until that is my experience directly.

Speaking of Psychos, I remembered just now what my intended topic was, The world learned the word “Narcissist” and ran off with it, which is annoying because for one, not everyone is a narcissist, but most people have narcissistic tendencies. You’ll be happy to know that Narcissism is not part of my diagnonsense, I have Narcissistic traits, but that is not my personality at all. But it is alot of peoples, and folks are really out here failing to differentiate the two, i’m convinced that its because their dumb asses don’t read. Lucky for me I am truly chosen, my tough upbringing prepared me for this shit…EARLY. So when I was in school, there was always a “group”. When the leaders of these “Groups” I will fit them, like an equation, so the leader of the “Group” was the narc, the rest of the “group” we can call flying monkeys. So when the Narc, felt like they wanted to be friendly with me, the group was also, but, you guessed it, if the narc didn’t want to be friendly the flying monkeys were not either. This would happen randomly right… I could have a good day at school, go home wake up thinking I’m going to school, have another good day with my friends, get to school, no friends. After some time, I would grow tired. My attitude toward the whole group was a very basic f*ck you, and then there would be a fight, usually between not me and the narc right, but between me and their “Hench” a much bigger, more stupid girl. I didn’t understand then that this was the dynamic for narcissistic abuse. Matter of fact, I really didn’t get that concept until a few minutes ago… who knew at this big age, that I would have to be bothered, I didn’t know that there were grown ass people out there who acted this way, and my mind formed a direct correlation to childhood bullying and Narcissism. So there’s that moment of transparency.

I saw a vid, and I kid you not like I was completely over any self consciousness, insecurity, and honestly, the gloves are really all off at this point for me. So, I saw a girl, as a matter of fact she looked to be from the same town as me, and I’m telling you is eerily familiar, to a chick who put my tag back in my shirt at the library once. She said and I quote, “ dealing with a narcissist is so exhausting, here you are gaslighting me, and here I am, wanting you to stop” I swiped up at that point, cause I’m sure that everything after that was bullshit. Here’s my thing. If you are hip to the fact that you’re being gaslit, the choice to continue to be, is all yours after that so when people say things like that I get confused, because a narcissist also makes one of the best victims ever to be presented with an Oscar. I think thats all I wanna really say about that. No wait….STFU. Now I’m done.

I saw another vid, where this girl was attractive, and scantily clad. Her caption said something like “I have daddy issues, but not the ones that make me seek validation from men” again upswipe cause girl stfu… you know 8million pick me’s are about to get on this video, and tell you how beautiful you are…so what are you talking about? Attention seeking. Period. Trust me, I’m not a hater… I cringe at the thought of going viral or being famous, people really are weirdos out here.. I’m a tough critic…that’s it that’s all. I was thinking about it, though I had to confront a little bit my own daddy issues if I even have any, I don’t know what makes people think I didn’t have a good relationship with My father… I was his best thing…. And he was mine. He was in my life, very active, present, I never had to look for him until I was grown. He was right there, until I was 18. I think my problem, as a matter of fact, it’s one of my toxic traits, I don’t have daddy issues I have father issues, such as my father would not treat me that way, my father would not speak to me that way, my father would expect for me to punch you in the face at this point, because you would never treat a man the way that you are treating me right now. I have most issues… not daddy ones though.

That brings me to my next point. There is an influx, in conversation, about IDK, paying half and what women bring to the table and I suspect I’m about to be single very soon cause…. I’m not even wit the dumb shit. Period. My father took care of me, my entire life, and his plan was to give me away to someone who was gonna “do the job” as he called it. He never prepared me for what I’m hearing, and experiencing right now, I can only guess, because he didn’t know himself. From what I gather, this generation of “new nigga” is not dating, and marrying for love… They are out here dating, and marrying for survival, and its disgusting. What is even more disgusting is, you can’t even want to be a traditional woman, seeking a traditional relationship, let alone marriage, or you are a gold digger. It is one thing to got to work all day, and as a single mom, or person come home and still make dinner clean whatever, but it is something very different to go to work all day, for the same amount of time if not more, and then come home and cook and clean for a nigga that’s only providing half of the bare minimum. I’m not doing it, I can pay my own damn rent.

When I started on this social media journey Chile I had hopes of sharing my story to help someone else…. Now I’ll be damned.