#and so often we are struggling to even identify and name it when it happens right now

[cruelsister-moved2]

so much misogyny goes so unrecorded like i briefly had a crisis over my dissertation like maybe its not that deep and im being a snowflake but the thing is even though you can also always find examples of men being openly hostile and terrible a lot of the time you just look back and see a woman who didn’t progress with her career and you don’t know that its because her male bosses privately didn’t think a woman was competent or her husband made her feel guilty for working. most of the misogyny that impacts my daily life i have to stop and think... when they look back they’ll never know this was happening to us!!!

[thewriteadviceforwriters]

Hey! I was reading on your character arcs and was wondering how you would write character regression over the course of the story :)

Hey there, fellow writer! Thanks so much for your message. Sorry, this response took so long. But, I'm thrilled that you found my posts on character arcs helpful, and I'm excited to dive into the topic of character regression with you. It's a fascinating and complex aspect of storytelling that can add so much depth to our narratives when done well.

What is Character Regression?

Before we dive into the nitty-gritty, let's define what we mean by character regression. In essence, character regression is the opposite of character growth or development. It's when a character moves backwards in terms of their personal growth, beliefs, or behavior. They might lose skills they once had, revert to old, harmful patterns, or abandon positive traits they've developed.

This doesn't mean your character simply becomes "worse" or "evil." Regression is a nuanced process that can happen for various reasons and manifest in different ways. It's about your character losing ground on their personal journey, facing setbacks, or struggling with challenges that push them back towards old habits or mindsets.

Why Use Character Regression?

Now, you might be wondering, "Why would I want my character to regress? Isn't that the opposite of what we usually aim for in storytelling?" Great question! While it's true that we often focus on character growth, regression can be an incredibly powerful tool in your storytelling toolkit. Here's why:

Realism: Let's face it, real life isn't a straight line of constant improvement. We all face setbacks, make mistakes, and sometimes fall back into old patterns. Including regression in your character's journey can make them feel more authentic and relatable.

Conflict and Tension: Regression can create internal conflict for your character and tension in your story. It gives your character something to struggle against, adding depth to their arc.

Emotional Impact: Watching a character we care about struggle or backslide can be incredibly emotional for readers, creating a strong connection to the story.

Set-up for Greater Growth: Sometimes, a character needs to hit rock bottom before they can truly grow. Regression can set the stage for even more significant character development later in the story.

Exploring Complex Themes: Character regression allows you to delve into themes like addiction, trauma, fear of change, or the difficulty of personal growth.

How to Write Character Regression

Alright, now that we've covered the what and why, let's get into the how. Writing character regression requires a delicate touch and careful planning. Here are some steps and tips to help you navigate this tricky terrain:

(Beware Very Long Post!)

Establish a Baseline

Before you can show regression, you need to establish where your character starts. What skills do they have? What are their core beliefs and values? What positive traits define them? This baseline will be crucial for showing how the character changes over time.

For example, let's say we have a character named Alex who starts the story as a confident, outgoing person with a strong sense of right and wrong. This is our baseline. (I will be using "Alex" as an example character for the remainder of the post)

Identify the Catalyst

Regression doesn't happen in a vacuum. There's usually a triggering event or series of events that start the process. This could be a traumatic experience, a significant loss, a series of failures, or even a gradual wearing down of the character's resolve.

In Alex's case, maybe they witness a horrific crime that shakes their faith in humanity and the justice system.

Show Gradual Changes

Regression, like growth, usually happens gradually. Start with small changes in behavior, thought patterns, or reactions to situations. These should be subtle at first, things that the character (and maybe even the reader) might not immediately notice.

Alex might start being a little less friendly to strangers, or hesitate before helping someone in need – small shifts that hint at bigger changes to come.

Internal Conflict

As the character begins to regress, show their internal struggle. They likely won't be happy about these changes and might fight against them. This internal conflict can be a great source of tension and character depth.

Alex might berate themselves for their newfound hesitation, trying to force themselves to be the person they used to be.

External Consequences

The character's regression should have real consequences in their world. How does it affect their relationships? Their job? Their role in the main plot of your story?

Maybe Alex's friends start to notice their withdrawal and become concerned. Or perhaps their hesitation in a crucial moment leads to negative consequences in the main plot.

Escalation

As the story progresses, the regression should become more pronounced. The character might start to rationalize their behavior, or fully embrace their new, regressed self.

Alex might start actively avoiding social situations, or develop a cynical worldview that contrasts sharply with their former optimism.

Rock Bottom

In many stories with character regression, there's a "rock bottom" moment – a point where the regression reaches its peak. This is often a powerful, emotional scene that fully illustrates how far the character has fallen.

For Alex, this might be a moment where they refuse to help someone in danger, fully betraying their former values.

Potential for Redemption

Even if your story ends with the character in a regressed state, it can be powerful to show a glimmer of their former self. This hints at the potential for future growth and can leave the reader with a sense of hope (or tragedy, if that potential is never realized).

Maybe in Alex's darkest moment, they have a flicker of doubt about their new worldview, or a memory of who they used to be.

Tips for Writing Effective Character Regression

Now that we've covered the general process, here are some additional tips to help you write compelling character regression:

Keep it Believable: The reasons for the regression should make sense for the character and the story. Don't have a character completely change overnight without good reason.

Show, Don't Tell: Instead of simply stating that a character has regressed, show it through their actions, thoughts, and dialogue.

Use Supporting Characters: Other characters can serve as mirrors, reflecting the changes in your regressing character and providing commentary on those changes.

Maintain Sympathy: Even as your character regresses, try to maintain reader sympathy. Help the reader understand why the character is making these choices, even if they don't agree with them.

Consider the Pacing: Regression can happen at different speeds. It might be a slow burn throughout the story, or a rapid descent following a major event. Choose the pacing that works best for your narrative.

Don't Forget the Positives: Regression doesn't mean a character loses all their positive traits. They might still show flashes of their old self, adding complexity to their portrayal.

Use Metaphors and Symbolism: Visual cues, recurring motifs, or symbolic elements can help underscore the character's regression in subtle ways.

Explore Different Types of Regression: Regression can be moral, emotional, professional, or related to specific skills or relationships. Mix and match for a nuanced portrayal.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

As with any writing technique, there are some common pitfalls to watch out for when writing character regression:

Making it Too Sudden: Unless there's a massively traumatic event, regression usually doesn't happen overnight. Be careful not to have your character change too quickly without proper buildup.

Losing Reader Sympathy: If your character's regression makes them completely unlikeable, you risk losing reader investment. Always strive to keep them understandable, even if not always sympathetic.

Inconsistent Motivation: Make sure the reasons for your character's regression remain consistent and logical within the context of your story.

Ignoring the Impact on Plot: Remember that character regression should impact your main story. Don't let it become a subplot that doesn't connect to the main narrative.

Overdoing It: Regression doesn't mean your character has to become a completely different person. Maintain some core aspects of their personality to keep them recognizable.

Examples from Literature and Media

Sometimes, it helps to see how other writers have handled character regression. Here are a few examples you might find inspiring:

Walter White from "Breaking Bad": His transformation from mild-mannered teacher to drug kingpin is a masterclass in character regression.

Daenerys Targaryen from "Game of Thrones": Her descent into ruthlessness in the final season is a controversial but noteworthy example of character regression.

Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray: His moral decay over the course of the novel is a classic example of character regression in literature.

Michael Corleone in "The Godfather": His transformation from war hero to ruthless mafia boss is a powerful portrayal of moral regression.

Studying these and other examples can give you ideas on how to handle regression in your own writing.

Final Thoughts

Writing character regression can be challenging, but it's also an incredibly rewarding aspect of storytelling. It allows us to explore the complexities of human nature, the fragility of personal growth, and the myriad ways that life can shape and reshape us. When done well, it can create some of the most memorable and impactful characters in literature.

Remember, there's no one "right" way to write character regression. The key is to make it authentic to your character and your story. Let it grow organically from the events of your plot and the unique personality of your character. And most importantly, don't be afraid to dig deep into the messy, complicated aspects of human nature.

As writers, we have the privilege and responsibility of reflecting the full spectrum of human experience in our work. Character regression is a part of that spectrum, and embracing it can lead to richer, more nuanced storytelling.

Balancing Regression and Reader Expectations

One thing to keep in mind as you write character regression is the balance between realistic portrayal and reader expectations. Readers often come to stories expecting character growth, so a character who regresses can be jarring or even frustrating if not handled carefully.

Here are a few strategies to help manage this:

Foreshadowing: Hint at the potential for regression early in the story. This can help prepare readers for what's to come.

Clear Motivation: Make sure the reasons for the regression are clear and understandable, even if not agreeable.

Moments of Hope: Intersperse moments where the character shows glimmers of their former self or potential for growth. This can help maintain reader investment.

Character Self-Awareness: Having the character acknowledge their regression can help readers process it.

Narrative Purpose: Ensure the regression serves a clear purpose in your overall story. If readers can see why it's necessary, they're more likely to accept it.

Character Regression in Different Genres

The way you approach character regression might vary depending on the genre you're writing in. Here's how it might look in different contexts:

In Literary Fiction: Character regression often serves as a deep exploration of human nature and societal influences. It might be subtle and psychological, focusing on internal changes rather than external actions.

In Fantasy or Science Fiction: Regression might be tied to magical or technological elements. Perhaps a character loses special abilities, or technology they relied on fails them, forcing them to regress to a more primitive state.

In Romance: Regression could manifest as a character retreating from emotional vulnerability, perhaps due to heartbreak or fear. The challenge becomes learning to open up again.

In Thrillers or Crime Fiction: A character might regress morally, crossing lines they never thought they would. This can create intense internal conflict and external tension.

In Horror: Regression might take on a more visceral or psychological form, with characters losing their grip on reality or reverting to primal states in the face of terror.

Character Regression and Story Structure

Consider how character regression fits into your overall story structure. It can be a powerful tool at different points in your narrative:

As an Inciting Incident: A character's sudden regression could be the event that kicks off your main plot.

During the Rising Action: Regression can add complications and raise the stakes as your story progresses.

At the Midpoint: A significant regression at the midpoint can dramatically shift the direction of your story.

During the Dark Night of the Soul: This low point in many story structures is a perfect place for a character to experience severe regression.

In the Resolution: Sometimes, a story might end with a character's regression, leaving readers with a sense of tragedy or unresolved tension.

The Role of Regression in Character Ensembles

If you're writing a story with multiple main characters, character regression can play an interesting role in group dynamics. Here are a few ways to use it:

Contrast: Have one character regress while others grow, highlighting the different paths people can take when faced with similar challenges.

Domino Effect: One character's regression might trigger changes in others, either pushing them to grow in response or causing them to regress as well.

Support Systems: Show how a group responds to one member's regression. Do they try to help? Enable the behavior? Distance themselves?

Power Dynamics: Regression can shift the balance of power within a group, creating new conflicts and alliances.

Regression and Theme

Character regression can be a powerful way to explore and reinforce your story's themes. For example:

If your theme is about the corrupting influence of power, showing a character regress morally as they gain more influence can underscore this idea.

For a theme about the importance of human connection, you might show a character regressing into isolation and the negative effects this has.

If you're exploring ideas about identity, having a character regress to an earlier version of themselves can raise interesting questions about who we really are.

A Word of Encouragement

As I wrap up this deep dive into character regression, I want to offer a word of encouragement. Writing regression can be emotionally taxing. It often requires us to delve into dark places, to imagine our characters at their worst, to confront difficult truths about human nature. This can be challenging, even distressing at times.

Remember to take care of yourself as you write. It's okay to step back if things get too intense. Talk to fellow writers about what you're working on. Engage in self-care practices that help you process and separate from the darker elements of your work.

And most importantly, don't lose sight of why you're including regression in your story. Whether it's to create a more realistic character journey, to explore complex themes, or to set up a powerful redemption arc, keep that purpose in mind. Let it guide you through the difficult moments of writing.

Remember, every character's journey is unique. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to writing regression. Trust your instincts, stay true to your character and your story, and don't be afraid to push boundaries and explore uncomfortable truths. That's where the most powerful writing often emerges.

I hope this deep dive into character regression has been helpful! Keep writing, keep exploring, and never stop pushing yourself to grow as a storyteller. Your voices and your stories matter.

Happy writing, - Rin T

Sources:

K.M. Weiland's blog post: "How to Write Character Arcs: The Flat Arc"

K.M. Weiland's "Helping Writers Become Authors" blog: "5 Ways to Write a Negative Character Arc"

TV Tropes: "Fallen Hero" 

[rinbylin]

li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

-

there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

-

a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

-

I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

-

now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

-

anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

-

for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

-

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

-

if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

-

to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

[rin-and-jade]

Reflections Beyond One Could See: A Detailed Post on Subsystems

"Just like a mirror, capable of depicting a whole scene.. once shattered, it shows many other angles and views that also made the initial reflection less coherent and fragmented."

Before you proceed, this post is the continuation of the previous post , here we cover many other details and information that people had never talked about for these 4 types. If you had seen it, let's begin!

The purpose it has..

I will be talking about the type 1 and 3 first.

Subsystems can be said as a different variant, though a related form to splitting (where it popped a part off someone) which may or may not be related with the initial alter, usually more distinct/unrelated.

In general means, subsystem is emphasized as a form of splitting for the specific alter to cope from distress, or to keep functioning, that isn't involving the whole collective.

All about type 1 & 3..

A reminder that the frequency and severity of how many facets it can break off, or how easy it can create subsystems come from the alter's own stress tolerance; which means some can form them easier (like me), while some are still holding on and stable.

Type 1 - Polyfaceted Subsystem

This type happens to be inside an alter due to still having reasons of feeling intact or together, usually different sides of the same alter. This is made to understand that there might be conflict with some thoughts or views, or due to instability with no intention of rejecting its own sides of selves.. fragmenting to each facet one has, now more autonomous that makes it easier to organize/understand each facets.

(Selfmade name from Poly in Greek; and facette in French, means "many face")

The common obstacles found in this type:

Switches are not as noticeable, especially in lesser distinctions between each facets

Prone to be blurry, or struggle with communicating as the opinions are not synchronized

often causing confusion or disorientation in decision making, due to having many sides but one body trying to operate its own ways

Type 3 - Monodive Subsystem

This type happens when there has been a rejection of identity/trait, or no longer able to cope with the presence of the problem to the core, trouble moving on or trouble keeping other facets together,, so in order to adapt, it splits distinct alters that separates from the main in order to lessen the burden/symptoms. Now all independently autonomous, it may have a similar appearance or an incredibly different look along with it's personality.

(Selfmade name from Mono in Greek; and Divisus in latin, means "separated one")

The common problems found in this type:

Contrasting views and opinions, which creates difficulties finding the middle ground

Problems with gathering evidence due to compartmentalization of memories, or traits, as it is harder to identify or understand fully autonomous splits

May follow with memory loss or skill for the initial alter, if still existing, and foregoes a personality change which can be confusing/distressing

The other meaning..

Okay, now I'll talk about 2 and 4 here.

Subsystem can also be defined by a group of alters by any means, for the most frequent examples such as having the same set of roles, or origins.

Theyre different from polyfaceted and monodive as these two types of systems can extremely vary from one system to another, there is no 'general' rules or requirements and only by reason of grouping.

All about 2 & 4..

Type 2 - Tersynd Subsystem

This type is about a set of specific alters that can traverse out-of-reach innerworld regions with ease that most people couldn't access, or have a hard time reaching to the destination, even staying for a prolonged time, and especially if it needs that specific alter to bring others there. (Also knew from personal experience)

This can also be applied to communicational barriers as some can talk easier compared to others, as it might sound more distant or blurry or can't 'click' nor mediate.

(Selfmade name from Iter in latin; and Syndedemenos in greek, means "travel and connected")

How tersynd works:

It is based on the level of connectedness to a particular area of interest/origin, which is made to be a home or area for similar kinds of alters exclusively. Be it origin or roles

Other folks may not be able to enter or stay in an exclusive area due to a different purpose or off-synchronized with the intention of the area, as there is no personal significance to connect with

Barriers do not only exist in worlds, but also communication too. There might be ease of conversing with a similar group of alter than to the less connected ones as it might have different jobs/roles, thus lesser importance to interact (This can be practiced to build better communication, as the brain loves compartmentalizing and keeping alters separated for survival)

Type 4 - Neofamile Subsystem

This type is for those out there, who developed a connection, or a familiarity who all belonged from different origins,, for example, elves and vampires may not be directed by the same species but they have similarities that connects them together such as longevity and supernatural/fictional beings.

This one is rather self explanatory too.

(selfmade name from Extraneo in latin; and familia in latin, means "from outside but family")

Last words..

I hope that covers every part of what people rarely talk about in this topic, and has been informative from start to finish!

Also, what do you guys think of the names? Should we keep them or stick to "types" instead??

And thankyou for reading to the end, i tried my best to make it as compact as possible.. let me know your own subsystem experiences, or your thoughts on this topic,, i wish you all a good day <3

I can elaborate in a separate post on how to integrate subsystems for healing, just let me know

- j

[orange-orchard-system]

Small Annoyances as a Polyfragmented System

There are certain patterns and events that we see in our life (mainly in system spaces) that get under our skin as a polyfrag system that smaller systems don't seem to be able to relate to. In an attempt to spread information on what it's like to be a polyfrag system – because goodness knows it's hard to find that – we've created this list of those annoyances, along with examples and explanations of why we find them annoying. Although, this turned into a vent post by the end, so... you have been warned!

Disclaimer: this post mainly applies to our personal experiences. We're sure that other polyfrag systems (and probably other large systems) may be able to relate to some of the things here, but you don't have to relate to any or all of them to be a real polyfrag system.

Polyfragmented Annoyances:

Most system tips do not work with our system because they're based in having a small member count. Anything that starts with "Have every system member..." is a no-go, because it is impossible for us to include every system member in system activities. There's a bunch of people in dormancy, whole sidesystems that we've barely explored, and even counting only the members we know could potentially participate, that's still hundreds of people to go through. It's not gonna work out. "Every system member" is not an achievable goal.

Blurring and other identity confusion happens a lot more often than you'd think, since a lot of us are fragments or otherwise not "full" headmates. When you don't check all the boxes to be a fully independent system member and constantly need at least one other member around to get even basic stuff done, it can be easy to lose track of where the line between you and another system member is.

On that note, co-fronting is a necessity and people outside the system (whether system or singlet) don't seem to understand that very often. We need to have multiple people in front – our system is not designed to have only one person alone controlling the body and aware of what's going on. Whereas most other systems experience negative side effects if they have too many headmates fronting, we more often experience negative side effects if not enough headmates front, and that can create a lot of estrangement when the former is usually the only example of fronting arrangement issues you can find. In addition, people outside the system (mostly singlets, but some systems too) don't seem to understand the implications of "We usually/almost always have a crowded front." Any interactions you have with one of us are going to be overseen, filtered through, and influenced by everyone else in front; if you're building a relationship* with one of us, you're probably building a relationship with several others, too.

Having to do so much more work to keep track of everyone. Organizing headmates by sidesystem, subsystem, etc can be a hassle, and system mapping becomes a lot more difficult when you've got a lot of people to include in your map. You not only have to frequently register new members in things such as Pluralkit and SimplyPlural, but you have to update that data as they learn more about themselves and the system develops, so we end up taking hours to just sit down and go through as many headmates as we can. Simply put, keeping any records of our system is so much more complicated because we're polyfragmented, even if it's just something basic like writing down everyone's names.

Introjects often face a name struggle that they wouldn't if we were a smaller system. Because of how often we get multiple introjects of the same character or person, every introject is expected to take up some kind of nickname so they can be more easily identified and identity issues aren't too frequent, which is its own troublesome process. Especially when we see small systems who don't need to do this... it can make us a bit jealous at times.

It's difficult to find anything about systems of our size. Most systems on platforms like TikTok and YouTube are small, so it's hard to find videos about larger systems. Most systems in fiction, whether they're positive representation or the usual stock-horror serial killer stereotype, have a small number of members so audiences don't get lost or confused. Even within the system community in settings like on Tumblr, it can be hard to find other large systems talking about their own experiences and how they differ from smaller systems – in fact, the experiences of small systems are seen as the "right" experiences in some cases, so if a large system goes outside of that, they are seen as "faking," "promoting unhealthy behavior," etc. We just want to find posts about us that go beyond one-sentence shout-outs, c'mon.

Related to that second-to-last bit, common polyfrag experiences are treated as automatic signs of "faking." Oh, you have a lot of headmates? Faker! You have more than one introject of or from the same source? Faker! You gain new members easily? Faker! Your headmates have highly specific roles? Faker! Some headmates don't have roles because others already handle those jobs? Faker! You often have multiple people in co-front or co-con? Faker! JFC, why is my existence automatically seen as a lie?! A lot of these fakeclaimers supposedly "support" polyfrag systems, too, but then the second a polyfrag system is, y'know, polyfrag, oooohhhh noooo, time to write a call-out about how they're "obviously faking it."

*"Relationship" is used as a general term here and does not refer solely to romantic relationships.

In conclusion, being polyfragmented comes with a lot of small annoyances that aren't helped by how, even in system spaces, we're often misunderstood, mocked, and fakeclaimed. It'd be nice to find more content or resources about/for polyfrag systems, but I'm not holding my breath.

[oursystemblog]

Hi! As someone who's newly discovered I'm part of a system I've been kind of struggling to recognise what it feels like to switch, like mentally but also like, do you still feel connected to the body in any way if you're not fronting? I feel like there's a lot of memories I can look back on and recognise That Was Someone Else but I never really recognised it in the moment and idk if it was like co-fronting or something different.

I assume it's something I'll get better at recognising with time cuz as of now I only know 2 of my alters and it's only been a few weeks since I really recognised that There Are More People In My Brain

Honestly switching is so varied, it can range from things like "switching takes an extremely long time and gives me a headache" to "switch was completely unnoticeable and i didn't even notice it happened until way later when i realized i was A Different Alter" even within the same system

Personally i very often feel dissociated/zoned out for a while before a switch and get a Weird Feeling In My Chest like A Ball of Static (Which Is Very Annoying And Sucks), and while actually switching it gets hard to move or think for however long it takes -- though i think you aren't asking about physical-ish symptoms like that , i don't really know how to answer "do you still feel connected to the body if you're not fronting" but if you haven't seen it already this one comic i posted maybe Kind of answers what switching feels like for me [or perhaps better explains why i don't know exactly how to answer that] ? (forgive me it is three in the morning if you want me to answer this Better you can send a followup ask haha)

Anyhoo i uhhh . hrmm sometimes if we can't tell who's fronting we do a test where we pretend someone is introducing us like "this is [name of suspected current fronter], they are [traits]/they like [interests]" and see if we identify with it/until we figure out which one we currently feel closest to identifying with, maybe you can try that

[moondustinfj]

MBTI AND ENNEAGRAM ANALYSIS OF INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE CHARACTERS

Part 1

Louis de Pointe du Lac

Mbti

Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving

Infps are highly idealistic, sensitive and driven by their values

Especially because their leading function Fi (introverted feeling) allows them to be in tune with their emotions. Very much so that they are driven by their inner compass. They have a clear sense of right and wrong and it's not likely or easy for them to change their mind about something, especially moral issues

Armand: I would have made this woman a vampire. But I thought it best you have a hand in it. Otherwise you would not give Claudia up. You must know you wanted it

Louis: I loathe what I did!

Armand: Then loathe me, not yourself

Louis: No, you don't understand. You nearly destroyed the thing you value in me when this happened. I resisted you with all my power even when I didn't know it was your force which was working on me. Something nearly died in me! Passion nearly died in me! I was all but destroyed when Madeline was created!

Armand: But that thing is no longer dead, that passion, that humanity, whatever you wish to name it. If it were not alive there wouldn't be tears in your eyes right now. There wouldn't be rage in your voice

Infps are very emphatatic and sensitive. They want to make the world a better place and they try hard to help others

"But why, with this passion and this sense of justice, do you wish to call yourself the child of Satan!" - Armand

Louis: I'm incapable of your detachment. I know what it is, and I do not possess it and I doubt that I ever will. I accept this

Armand: I understand. I saw you in the theatre, your suffering, your sympathy with that girl. I saw your sympathy for Dennis when I offered him to you; you die when you kill

They are introspective and they desire to find their meaning in life

"It's a terrible feeling, not knowing, not understanding, not being in control of your own destiny" - Louis

"I would have to know from what... from what it comes. Whether it came from other vampires...or elsewhere" - Louis

They focus on the big picture and are very intuitive

"No need to tell him what to observe, or what to remember. He always knew such things. Years ago, when I'd done the dark magic on him, I hadn't had to tell him anything; he had savored the smallest aspects of it all on his own. Then later he said I'd failed to guide him. Didn't he know how unnecessary that had always been?" - Lestat

With their strive for authenticity and their sensitivity, they look for ways to express themselves through art and stories

Enneagram

Basic fear: that they have no meaning or significance

Basic desire: to have their own identity and purpose, their meaning

Type fours are sensitive, self aware and reserved. They are also prone to be moody and self conscious. They can suffer from self pity and melancholy

Type fours see themselves as fundamentally different from other people. More than any other type, they are acutely aware of their weaknesses and defiances. They see themselves as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed

And because they see themselves as so different, they feel like nobody can see their true selves and therefore no one can love them for who they really are

"For the first time in my life, I was seen"

They might romanticize pain and bittersweet feelings

"I think to be this happy is to be miserable, to feel this much satisfaction is to burn"

Type fours often feel like there is something missing in them that others possess. This thing can't be properly identified but they feel like there is a hole in them that can not be filled

"If I ever thought we have souls, mine is gone forever"

So they feel like with this thing missing, everyone but them can fully understand who they are and their meaning

Type fours struggle to let go of their feelings from the past. They nurse their old wounds and hold onto their feelings about people who hurt them

4w5 (four wing five): The Bohemian

This subtype is combined with type five. So they're more reserved than the usual type four. But they're also more observant and speculative

"Louis, the watcher, the patient one, was there on account of love pure and simple"

Overall, infps and type fours are generally sensitive, creative, melancholic, empathatic, understanding, authentic, emotionally expressive and introspective people

"Louis, whose green eyes are soulful, the very mirror of patient misery, soft voiced, very human, weak; having lived only two hundred years, unable to read minds, or to levitate, or to spellbind others except inadvertently, which can be hilarious, an immortal with whom mortals fall in love" -Armand

" And it occured to me. If Louis does end his life, if he does bring his supernatural journey to conclusion, how will I ever answer for it to Lestat or Armand? It was the love of Louis which had at times crippled Lestat, and enslaved Armand" - David

"The first thing I'd ever noticed about him-well, after his green eyes that is- was his black hair. No, all that's a lie. It was his expression; the passion and the innocence and the delicacy of conscience. I just loved it!" - Lestat

"If I knew a mortal of that sensitivity, that pain, that focus, I would make him a vampire in an instant. But such can rarely be done. No, I've had to wait and watch for you. And now I'll fight for you. Do you see how ruthless I am in love?" - Armand

"Louis, my handsome Louis, in his dark wool and old fashioned high-collared linen, gazing down on us with a look of thinly veiled amusement, but with a secret in his hypnotic green eyes" - Lestat

[griancraft]

Hello, would you like to expand on the DID being treated similarly to Autism and ADHD by tiktok and tumblr?

Hi this is already getting long and I wanna post this as soon as possible so people who want to see it will see it. This is written on like 3 hours of sleep after a 8 hour shift and it took me 3 HOURS because I am so fucking out of it ask for clarification before getting upset if something is wrong.

I also want to preface this with the fact I am an advocate for healthy multiplicity. I’ve written essays for classes on non monogamy and DID. I’ve written about how identifying as separate but whole has been the best way to heal for ME. I am in no way saying that the way professionals talk about us is a complete picture. Our history is important and self advocacy is important and I think both disordered and non disordered advocacy should be taken seriously.

In the context of the disorder of DID, which is characterized specifically by distress and impairment, talking about it as a disorder is really fucking important. If you’re interested in the history of non disordered systems Sai’s card is absolutely incredible and I really really think it’s important to read. This is not a “syscourse” post or whatever, this all existed before the internet. I feel like discoursing over wether what real people experience is real is stupid because you’re never going to get into their brain.

Much of our history is self recorded because professionals for so long treated us like we were unable to understand our situation and unable to advocate for ourselves. All of these are reputable and sourced with great care by someone I trust.

https://plural.neocities.org

Alright preface over or whatever uh. Here we go.

While the DID community is much smaller than the ADHD/Autistic community, the issue of “well, I can do that, why can’t you?” is very present in a LOT of spaces. There are many similarities in how our “weirdnesses” is perceived outwardly by society. Some things are very very similar such as us being “off putting” and a lot of us being disabled to the point where we are unable to work a job. So, so much is similar in how society views us because there are so many crossover symptoms. But in terms of different experiences I’ve had people say it’s weird that I seem to switch between “emotional states” so quickly, that it’s weird how my voice changes pitch and my stims are different, that its “weird” when I switch to certain alters (my ex said this to his face btw) because they act so differently from me, I often feel the discomfort from certain friends when an alter introduces themselves with their own name. Some of these were said by systems, too!

We find it difficult to identify switches and tell who is fronting, sometimes we can’t tell until I (the host) am back in the front and things are disorienting. There is a massive push to CONSTANTLY be able to identify who’s fronting to other people.

I’ve noticed that a lot of what I experience isn’t in line with what people talk about on tumblr and TikTok and I struggled with that for awhile. Despite having the closest thing I can have to a diagnosis at this point, and doing what I can to read the literature. I do not know who is fronting if it is not me most of the time and identifying who can actually put a lot of strain on us. Sometimes we are distinct enough to tell, but not always. Many people I know also experience this.

Tools like pluralkit and simplyplural are great, but I’ve heard so many stories of singlets and even other systems feeling “lied to” when someone doesn’t identify who is fronting. For a very very long time we felt a lot of pressure to constantly be able to identify who is in the front. This is a symptom that is kinda supposed to happen though, you are dissociating from yourself.

I also think a lot of other systems find littles, animals alters, and fictives/factives cringe/weird and feel very self righteous in bullying them because of it especially if they are “normal” systems.

Littles are “weird” because it’s a child alter in a usually adult body. It’s “weird” that an adult is acting like a kid. DID is a dissociative disorder with the cause being linked to childhood trauma. An alter may form as a child as a result of said trauma. Animal alters are “weird” because it is abnormal to see people acting like animals and the (often) non speaking aspect of this isn’t taken seriously. Again, DID is linked to childhood abuse, if a child with DID was treated like an animal by their abusers they are probably going to form an animal alter.

Fictives and factives are more complex because it’s so often used as an indicator that people are faking because it’s “weird”. This is silly. I’m just going to repost something I’ve already wrote on it because I think explaining it again would make me loose my actual fucking mind.

“Things like “if I were this character I wouldn’t be in this situation” and “this character would take care of me, they wouldn’t hurt me” and “if I was this character I would be strong enough to survive” are all things I’ve thought of as probable reasons and I’ve heard similar from others too!

Also, it is a LOT easier to make something from a blueprint/template than create something entirely new in anything. I don’t see why that would be different in the brain especially if one is going through a lot already. Normal alters pull from our experiences already so it’s kinda just a more extreme version of that imo!”

And what you need to understand about living with DID is that it’s fucking weird. It will be weird. Systems aren’t any more “normal” if they don’t experience weird symptoms.

I think the “tee hee alters in my head” talk is SOMETIMES overwhelming discussions of what it is like to live day to day with the disorder. There are days when there is very little internal communication within us, and many people I know do not have any internal communication at all.

The idea that alters are separate people and not ‘parts of a whole’ is something I’ve seen people very defensive on. while I like. Get this sentiment, and it can be very very invalidating to be told this. But it’s not really consistent with the literature and if you want to treat your plurality like DID you have to at least consider parts language IMO. Modern papers in my experience do affirm the individual identities of alters while still using parts language. This is very good in my opinion because it not only validates the lived experiences of someone with DID but also stays on the track of treating the disorder in one way or another.

There are severe and dangerous symptoms related to DID that are NOT talked about enough. There are comorbidities that are not talked about at all that I like, only found out about from scouring papers. But I do not want to get into that until I have at least. A week to recover from finals dear FUCK.

[crockettmarcel]

a six pack of beers and an apology

wc: 1511

sarah reese & crockett marcel

The car pulls up across the street a little after six pm, the time announced by the portable radio on the table next to Sarah. She’s not sure what the host is talking about — she stopped listening not long after the show started — so instead she focuses her attention on the car. It’s a sporty looking blue one, something she can’t identify, and for a few minutes, it just sits opposite her house. No one gets in or out. It’s too far away for her to make out who’s inside, so she takes another drag of her cigarette and waits for some movement.

Eventually, the driver’s side door opens, and a tall, dark-haired figure appears. She recognises him immediately, and she considers going back inside and pretending she’s not home. He’s seen her though, she’s certain, which means there’s no way out of whatever is about to happen. She stubs out her cigarette on the little red ashtray next to the radio.

The man gets something out of the trunk of the car, a box, then looks both ways before crossing the street. They make eye contact as he reaches the sidewalk, but Sarah can’t maintain it. She reaches for her pack of cigarettes.

Shaking hands, numb from the cold air, struggle with the lighter. She should have gone inside half an hour ago.

“I thought you quit.” He’s on the porch when the cigarette finally lights, disappointment radiating off him.

“Crockett.” She takes him in for a moment. His hair is longer now, and he’s no longer clean-shaven, but he’s got that same brown bomber jacket he used to wear when they were together. The box from his car is a six pack of beer. “I thought you quit.

“This is for you.”

He holds it out to her, and when she makes no effort to take it from him, he sets it down next to her. The swing moves a little under the sudden new weight, and she steadies it with her feet. The wood of the porch is old and rough against her socks, but she never remembers to put shoes on before coming out.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk.”

She opens the box and pulls out a bottle. “It’s been a year. What is there to talk about?”

There’s no bottle opener out here, but that has never stopped Sarah before. One of her best party tricks since her freshman year of college — aside from her ability to name the capital of any country given to her — is her ability to open bottles with her teeth, often met with gasps and winces from those who have never seen it before.

Crockett’s face stays neutral as she spits the cap into her hand and takes a swig.

“I came to apologise. If you’ll let me.”

Sarah laughs. “Can we go inside?”

Crockett clearly wasn’t expecting this. His mouth hangs open slightly, as if he was about to speak, but lost the words somewhere on the way from his brain. Still, he picks up the box of beer and lets Sarah lead him inside. The radio is still playing when he shuts the door behind him.

“You can put those down wherever,” she says, leading by example as she tosses the cigarette packet and lighter on the coffee table.

The house looks the same as he remembers it, if a little messier, and for a moment, he studies the space around him. The couches are new, but look well-worn, and he thinks back to her brief but intense thrifting phase. Perhaps it had had a round two at some point. There are new plants dotted around too, and they look better taken care of than Sarah does. From where he’s standing by the front door, he can see the kitchen, and once he’s finished taking in all the changes that have occurred in the last three years, he puts the box down on the floor and lets his eyes settle on Sarah’s face.

Out on the porch, he’d thought it was just the evening light that was making her look different. Even now though, lit up by the warm glow of various lamps, Sarah’s still pale. She looks worn out. Her cheekbones almost poke through her skin, and the dark circles under her eyes seem to weigh her down.

He wants to ask her what happened, how long things have been like this, but she rarely talked about her feelings when they were together. There’s no way she’ll tell him anything now.

He sets the box down next to the small couch.

“Can I get you something to drink? I’ve got water, coffee…” She lets her voice trail off as she makes her way into the kitchen. Crockett watches, unmoving, as she sets her beer down on the counter, then opens the fridge and peers inside. “Yeah, water and coffee.”

She used to love orange juice.

“I’m good, thanks.” He can only imagine how dire the inside of that fridge is.

“Right.”

For a moment, they pause, neither sure how to navigate this new dynamic. Crockett initiated this, so he should be the one calling the shots and showing Sarah how to behave, but when she glances over her shoulder at him, he appears more like a deer in the headlights, startled and unsure what to do next. Was it even his idea to come here?

After what feels like an eternity of standing in limbo, Sarah takes pity on him and makes the first move. She goes back to the living room, leaving her bottle of beer in the kitchen, and takes a seat on the bigger sofa. Crockett follows.

There’s easily enough space for both of them, and he can feel Sarah’s eyes on him as he tries to figure out what to do. Did she choose the bigger couch so he’d sit further away from her? But then why not take the armchair if she didn’t want to be next to him? If he sits right up close to her, it might seem weird when the couch is so big, but if he sits at the other end, what if that’s not what she wanted?

“You can sit down, you know.”

The lump in his throat is the size of a boulder. One of those beers would help it go down more easily, he’s sure.

But, unlike Sarah, when he said he was quitting, he meant it. He hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in almost a year, not even in food, and he’s not starting now, in the familiar-unfamiliar living room of his ex-girlfriend’s house. If he was going to relapse, it would be more dramatic, more climactic than this.

He sits next to Sarah on the big couch.

“You said you wanted to apologise.”

“I did. I do.”

“Why now?”

It’s a repeat of her question from outside, and he still doesn’t have an answer he can give her. How does he tell her that the guilt has been eating away at him all this time, or that he’s never stopped missing her?

“It felt right.”

She scoffs. “I’m sure it would have felt right a year ago, too.”

“It would. I don’t- I don’t know why I didn’t try back then. I should have. I’m sorry.”

“That’s it? You’re sorry for not trying?”

She’d moved closer to him when he first sat down, but now she pulls away, pressing her body into the arm of the couch. He doesn’t try to close the gap.

“I’m sorry for everything. I betrayed you and hurt you in the worst way, and there’s no excuse for it. If you can’t forgive me, I get it, but I want you to know that I’m not that guy anymore. I’m embarrassed that I ever was.”

He pauses, thoughts jumbled up and almost incomprehensible despite the hours he spent perfecting this at home, and uses the moment to study Sarah. She’s looking at him, expression softer than it has been since he arrived, and there’s something that looks like it might be understanding behind her eyes. The gap between them is smaller now, and he reaches across it to take her hand. She doesn’t pull away.

“I ruined the best thing in my life that night, Sarah. You were the best thing in my life, and I’m sorry I made you feel like anything less than that.” I love you.

“It’s okay. We’re okay.”

Crockett can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Just like that? He eyes her for a second, waiting for the laugh, the sarcastic comment, something that says she was joking, but there’s nothing.

“Are you sure?”

“Certain.” She squeezes his hand, her grip deceptively strong, and for the first time since he pulled out of the liquor store car park, the thoughts about the beer are little more than a subtle buzzing in the back of his mind. He survived the urges, and he survived coming here. Sarah’s smiling at him.

He’ll be okay. He squeezes her hand back. They’ll be okay.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Pamela Garfield-Jaeger

Published: May 13, 2024

The following is an excerpt from my new book, "A Practical Response to Gender Distress, Tips and Tools for Families”, available on Amazon.

New personal pronouns can seem harmless and fun, and they are considered inclusive by many people, such as teachers and medical professionals. However, it can be dangerous to tell young children that they can use any pronoun they want. As a seasoned mental health professional, let me explain some reasons why the use of new personal pronouns is harmful for developing children.

1. It’s the first step of being pulled into an ideology that can lead to dangerous and irreversible medical interventions. If a child is given praise for identifying as a different gender and called by a different pronoun or name from an early age, it’s more difficult to reverse that course as the child gets older and deeper into the ideology. The stakes get higher.

2. Alternate pronouns instruct children not to accept who they are, but to seek attention for being something they aren’t. This message is the exact opposite of what traditional feminists have been trying to give to little girls for years, which is to love and embrace themselves as girls. This is a harmful message to all young people during an impressionable time while they are forming their sense of self.

3. This practice is harmful to the small percentage of children who struggle with genuine gender dysphoria and need appropriate attention. If large numbers of children are using alternative pronouns for fun, leverage, or power, how can we know who needs the appropriate support? Many of these dysphoric children have sexual or other trauma in their histories, and they need to be addressed.

4. The introduction of a new pronoun is the first step in dividing children from their families. Families who don’t agree, or who simply have questions, often get torn apart over this ideology. Even families who initially agree with the premise of different gender identities later learn that their children are being groomed to view their own family as an enemy.

In the Substack “Parents With Inconvenient Truths About Trans,” a mom drafted an essay titled “How it Started: How Gender Ideology Has Ruined Our Right to a Family Life.”

Specifically, the mother writes: “Don’t get me wrong, it started off fun and interesting. Pride marches, badges, posters, music, and flags. So many flags! Then the lockdown happened. I started intensely researching and I, a lifelong, radical, alternative woman and feminist did not like what I was learning. ... I am not denying anyone’s existence, we are still loving supportive parents, but I regret not realizing sooner what was going on. ... It became clear, despite all the support and information and discussions, that things were not improving, and we compromised and permitted them to use their new names at school.”

Using a new pronoun and new name divides children from their most important support system—their families—and aligns them instead with adults (such as teachers and therapists) who do not care about them in the same way.

5. Changing pronouns prevents children from forming authentic social connections. If they are pretending to be something they aren’t just to fit in or get attention, children can’t form healthy relationships.

6. Unchecked self-identification gives the message that anyone can enter private, vulnerable spaces. At best, allowing people to arbitrarily choose gender, or reinforce the concept that gender is fluid, makes many girls uncomfortable when they have to share their private spaces with people they wouldn’t otherwise. At worst, this opens a window for predatory boys and men who may take advantage. Unfortunately, these incidents have indeed happened. There was a publicized case in 2021 in Loudoun County, Virginia, where a high school boy who identified as a girl raped two girls in school bathrooms. The school attempted to cover up the incident.

7. Choosing new pronouns provides an incredible sense of power. Under these new rules, not only can the child not be questioned about their choice, but they can also then wield that power over anyone whom they choose. This is especially enticing for a child who has a trauma history and already feels very powerless. Unfortunately, this type of power is not good for a floundering teen who needs guidance and structure.

8. The notion of gender fluidity divorces children from reality, which is the goal in any “critical” theory. If a child can choose to be an obvious “wrong” gender, what reality do they have to accept? “Neopronouns” (or made-up words) are becoming more popular among young people and are blurring the lines between imagination and reality. The New York Times validated neopronouns in an article dated Aug. 12, 2023, titled “A Guide to Neopronouns, From ae to ze.” The article states that neopronouns include terms such as “xe” and “em,” and some of them even date back several centuries, when they were introduced by writers as a solution for referring to subjects without referring to gender. Other fictitious pronouns such as “frog/frog-self,” “peach/peach-self,” “ghost/ghost-self,” and other whimsical identities are being acknowledged as serious in certain circles.

9. Changing pronouns encourages narcissism. This gives a message to the child that the world revolves around them, that their perspective is more important than everyone else’s, and that the child can dictate their own terms.

10. Pronouns create social anxiety. Children feel pressured to choose a new pronoun, making them feel locked into an impulsive choice. In addition, with peers changing identities often, this is also a source of anxiety. The policing of the pronouns creates tremendous social pressure and division among youth.

Many people often think, “It’s just a pronoun.” But consider how chaotic and confusing it is for children who are growing up in a world where reality is being changed at every moment, teachers and friends are demanding speech, girls don’t feel safe, the people they care about are being divided, and they are being led to a path to a lifetime of medicalization.

As George Orwell said, “There is no swifter route to the corruption of thought than through the corruption of language.” Children need structure, and they look to adults to provide that for them.

==

"it's just a prayer. What could it hurt to participate?"

It's not rude or impolite to not participate in a ritual for a belief you don't hold. It is rude and impolite, not to mention authoritarian, to demand others participate in a ritual for a belief they don't hold.

And once again, you don't have pronouns. The language has pronouns for you. You don't get your own pronouns any more than you get your own verbs or your own conjugations.

[psycho-lizard9]

Look, I yell that I hate the BT and DZ fandom (and honestly the Jrock fandom in general) a lot. Not everyone tho, my friends are BT and DZ fans, they are the evidence to me that not everyone is trash. And I have spoken to some people online that... well the chats die or we don't really get along too well but they weren't bad people at all, not getting along isn't enough for me to scream they suck cause sometimes stuff just doesn't work and that's fine.

I wanna explain what I mean when I yell about the trash of the fandom. I won't be giving names (except one), but I will be giving reasons.

We have:

Clowns who go "minors DNI" but will send and request nudes when in contact with 17 year olds AND UNDER or write insanely sexual stuff around them. (17 is still a minor, pedos, and everything under that age is even fucking worse)

People who claim Atsushi was abusive towards his cats cause the cat pics are "clearly" just for attention... like bruh, there are quite some cat pics, sure, especially of Tsubaki... but do you even realize for how many years this man had cats? Compared to those years, there aren't many pics at all... that is like just a few pics per year, probably not even once a month. If he wanted to "exploit his cats for attention" he would have made a social media where he would show content of his cats daily doing the weirdest shit with them. Did he? No. He wasn't abusive.

Fuckers that claim Atsushi was a predator, especially towards young girls... uhhuh, look idk if you've seen this man before but if he would go after anyone it'd be your grandparents.

We have some hypocrite clowns who will indirectly call your work or art trash or will otherwise offend you and then yeet a "lol" behind it.

Clowns without a personality who just copy whoever the fuck they last spoke to, different person every week the fucking mysteryboxes of the fandom and sadly they often copy someone from the rest of this list.

People who want to share content but if the content is already online, will bully the other uploader to take it down (have heard too many stories about this, too many people had it happen to them but haven't seen it myself. Yet, Ive heard it more than once so I believe it)

Ableists... yeah people, autism and ADHD really do exist, other mental illnesses can also make people be a bit weird sometimes, some of us are really struggling with it... it's not fake news -_-

Stalkers.

Art thiefs.

Hypocrites (will complain about what someone else did and then do the exact same like it isn't an issue anymore suddenly)

And as much as I want to avoid names... if I have to explain this one we'll be here for a month so uh... if I say "Gekka Reijin" most people will understand what I mean cause holy FUCK get professional help...

Like I am also not a fan of gatekeepers, people who are insanely quickly offended even if you didnt mean to offend them and they won't forgive it no matter what (like bruh I say sorry and didn't even mean it the way you all see it but whatever I guess. Why did this happen several times I am literally trying to be careful about what I say and how I say it. Idk what to do anymore about this), people who will fight you over having a different opinion and people that just suddenly ignore you while you don't even know wtf happened (like wtf just tell me what your problem is cause idk what I did)... but they aren't necessarily bad people, I just don't work with them but they are NOT what I mean when I'm bitching about the fandom... even tho I don't like em. It's the disgusting fuckers that I yell about.

Anyway my DMs are open ONLY to people who do NOT identify with this goddamn list. If you are like any part of the list, please do not speak to me.

Minors can talk to me but not about NSFW topics.

P.S. I'm also not a fan of the VK war fighters. BT is VK or BT isn't VK. Toll said they aren't VK but if someone wants to believe BT is VK then whatever... no need to start a whole war about it. Also other Jrock related social wars like just let people be... like you can yell about it, sure, but omg don't scream at people specifically and call them names just cause you don't agree with em.

[incarnateirony]

It's kind of a sad statement of the LGBTQ community's fakeness and digital structure online when the only person I've been able to openly talk out my trans bullshit with is my het dude military buddy, and trust me, what I rage about would get me hung online by people with agendas, but I have a feeling they're things other old queer people sit on while we stare at this digital shithole making us all look like clowns.

On the other hand, it's particularly affirming when the same issues I deal with are things that set him off on Manrants.

Like listen, I already had to accept the terrible string of "i am a straight man" in order. Like man, do you know how long i clung to he/him lesbian and just avoided talking about what I can only call Phallic Issues?

Cuz there's not even anywhere to talk about it. For one it's difficult and often inappropriate and for two, a bunch of digital goblins that aren't looking to Pass As A Life They Live, but rather Stick Out In Digital Arguments With A Rainbow Label have made this fucking conversation ungoddamn navigable to the people it was actually originally about. There's some bored person with 2.5 kids who's husband still hasn't found their clit trying to figure out their sexuality coming in fucking up literal like neuroscience and other dialogue because, how dare the *straight man be here at all, much less like, talk about sexual shit. People can't do that, that's illegal.

So where am I left going? Literally to my dudebros, that say all kinds of shit I generally don't even agree with politically, but they're the only motherfuckers who haven't set up so many fake social justice fences based on their own personal garbage comfort demands so I can literally go, no. Can you believe these dipshits want me to explain like they're five what happens inside a man's head?

And they be like nah man that's a trap the second you breathe a word about it you're cancelled.

Yeah, no shit.

Honestly I'm tired of so many things. I mentioned recently that coming out as a trans straight guy is a trap. You're man enough to be the token straight punching bag, but not enough for your perspective to be considered in conversations, without being grilled to justify Basic Truths until you have to say some shit someone can act offended about. And boy are the terfs pissed and happy to blow them dogwhistles on us

God i'm tired

it's not the gamerdudes on reddit driving up the trans suicide rate. it's you assholes. They genuinely Do Not Care if you identify as attack helicopters. They don't. They don't care I'm a dude. They were basically like yeah what about it you've always been dudegirl that's whatever dude. It's this digital shithole that turns it into a whole goddamn ceremony fused with astrophysics.

I'd rather hang out with dudes I've known for 20 years that occasionally fuck up a pronoun by force of habit and actually laugh at how it looks/sounds now, than deal with you assholes acting like i skinned your child because I didn't read a 3 page Carrd about your narcissism or people who decide every convo is a chance to proselytize their own personal label's struggle.

And that says nothing about the fact that people have set up this conversation so we can't even address that YES, THERE ARE FAKERS. Are trans people dangerous, no. Are narcissists that can play boggle with gender arguments dangerous? Yes.

Think about 2po. I still call him him, because his friends, like his pal snotrag that doxxed my friend with him, even still calls him pat. But see, when he went viral as a proven fail and everybody was talking about pat, suddenly, pat had a gender discovery and was they/them will. Nevermind the more masculine name and that the person was initially a cis man, I guess they had a deep come to jesus moment and deeply identified as the Fail Gender. I guess that script blast was so hard it knocked the he/him right off of them. Considering the pepe memes his buddy uses, I wouldn't be surprised if 2po logs onto his personal to psot attack helicopter jokes and laugh at this godforsaken shithole.

(That's not to say all they/them nb is invalid either before some titanic dickhead proves the real point of this whole post and the need to add constant asterisks to avoid some shitheaded bored kid seeking attention starting a fight)

People only make the bad, dead, beat out joke at our expense because of the people that make us look like fucking comedy with their weird bullshit. Stop it.

But sure keep hyper obsessively segregating us into microlabels and pretending it's helping trans people or breaking down gender roles or what the fuck ever.

Yeah them microlabels are decent ways to describe facets of human sexual potential, and can/should be tools to help you sort your head out. But my bio shouldn't have to look like an ingredient label on processed food to engage in this conversation. It's not fucking complicated, Karen. If you have to do that many goddamn backflips to argue your way into this conversation maybe stay the fuck out of it.

Just because it's true that you don't need active dysphoria to be trans (and sometimes almost have Triggers specific to things like, I dunno, sexuality) doesn't mean it gets to be the jungle gym of every fucking teenager on the internet trying to figure out their general identity, and stop trying to call my still untransitioned trans ass a terf or a truscum for it, you fucking terfs. Stop flipping this shit around.

Literally if you look at twitter/tumblr, 50% of the world is trans. And while that's a charming thought for a dialogue about the repressed minority or the truth of Gender or whatever the fuck, in the real world, less than 1% identify, and those of us that exist in real world queer spaces might GENEROUSLY estimate maybe 5%? like cap? If I took 95% of you motherfuckers, unplugged your internet and dropped you in the Appalachians, you probably wouldn't be trans or care about trans issues by the time you stumbled out. But that's the life some of us have actually been through, so stop shitting on the mountain trail, it's rough enough out here.

Most of you are logging off to your 2.5 kids and husband anyway. Don't call me a biphobe for it. By all means sweetie go figure your shit out, fuck up and out whatever storm with whomever you want, go figure out your bullshit, but stop trying to make your bullshit the communal bullshit. We fucking get it. You got to the party late and your shit still has you uncomfortable. Stop trying to take over the fucking party, your music choice sucks. Back to the hetero world with you.

But most of you never will. You're never gonna pursue it. You're just gonna fuck around in our conversation to try to actually make it to conform to you, which somehow always makes the hets and terfs the dominant force on this conversation under all the screaming noise. You won't LET it impact your lives the way it has those that have lived experiences, you try to make US clean up and sterilize OURS. Lived experiences also doesn't mean Have Already Fucked And Found Out, and if you even thought that argument, disqualify yourself from ever speaking on this again, because you clearly aren't even vaguely in touch with the queer experience, you're in touch with the Seeking A Place To Belong experience. It's adjacent, but not the same.

Realistically, 99% of the supposed digital queer community are, at best, Questioning, and using digital personas to fuck around and find out. The fucking LGBTQ conversation has been just. utterly hijacked and clowned unto itself by people Questioning, but not willing to ask the hard parts, and demand those uncomfy parts stay away from their LARP.

Hard pass.

[seidigardensystem]

Truth About DID

Dear Therapists,

They didn’t bother to teach you about us. They told you dissociative identity disorder is so rare that you would never see a case of it. Dissociation was glossed over or even ignored in your graduate studies, so it is no wonder that you didn’t recognize it in us. It is a specialty, apparently, to work with dissociation and trauma. You have to invest large sums of money to get the trainings that claim to help us, yet they don’t, really.

The trainings were written with multiplicity being the disorder instead of the amnesia, the flashbacks, or the suicidal ideations or self-harm. Then they made the movies. They took victims of childhood trauma and painted us as murderers or assassins with some evil twin personality and now the world is frightened of us. Frightened of victims of abuse whose alternate personalities often make up a multitude of children rather than the terrifying villains they make-up over in Hollywood.

Bad things happened to us. Our ways of being in the present now make complete sense when you think about what happened to us. We are just doing our very best to survive in this world, using what we know. Our bodies remember. Our brain remembers. Maybe not in a nice, cohesive story-like way, but in the way that smell of cologne tells us to hide. We learned that we could trust no one, ever. We learned that sleeping in a bed at night was dangerous. That’s when bad things happen.

You keep trying to use our legal name, but no one identifies with it. You ask to talk to her but she doesn’t exist. We’re trying very hard to figure out what you want from us so the right alter can front to answer your question. Again you insist on talking to the legal name. What don’t you understand? There is no Tiffany! Stop asking for her. You refuse to talk to us now. You tell us to go away and that we can’t sit in on group therapy.

So we stomp our feet and storm off down the hall. No one wants to help us. No one will talk to us. Don’t you know all of us need help? Don’t you realize that we are well aware which one of us is struggling with depression and which is struggling with anxiety? We know which of us needs the most help right now. Why do you refuse to work with us? You keep insisting that we’re just one person. We know we only have one body. Yet, we are more than one.

Do not push us away. Refusing to acknowledge all of us just creates further dissociation as we try to be who you want us to be. I am not playing your game anymore. We are we. We are different. We like different things. We believe different beliefs. We have different values. We are not the same. We have different memories. Talking to all of us brings us closer together. It makes us more aware of each other.

When we talk to each other inside, we learn to trust ourselves. We learn to have compassion for ourselves. We learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to cooperate with ourselves. We learn how to merge our goals and move forward together instead of always fighting and vying for control. And this is how we start healing.

Sincerely,

Your client

[redacted-updates]

Getting To Know Your Mysterious Stranger (Halloweek Day 3! New Hush Video)

CW: [threatening tone][brief gore sounds][character death] //// (I'm sorry this one is so long, I typically want to keep these summaries as short and sweet as possible, but there was just so much information in this and so much that I thought was important that I basically gave you the whole video...sorry lol)

Listener, "Doc" is confronted about their involvement in the "murder of a de(a)mon" by...someone. This individual is being quite threatening, and Doc does their best to comply. They are asking about Hush, about why he let Doc live and about the "connection" the two have.

We learn that Hush told the Chorus that he didn't have a name, and this stranger asks if Doc knows what Hush is. Obviously, they're pretty much as in the dark as the stranger.

The stranger keeps pressing, giving further details about what happened to Hush before Doc came across them. Doc defends Hush, but the stranger points out that Hush has and will harm or even kill others for whatever reason he seems fit.

Hush comes in! Threatening this stranger, saying "get away from them, or die."

Hush brutally kills the stranger with ease, Doc is left horrified and Hush is confused. The pair discuss further.

Hush offers to make dinner for Doc, saying "I've read that food and drink can ease the nerves" and that he as "read a lot lately." He points out that Doc is nervous often, and he struggles to understand why...and seems to want to understand why. He says that he is "trying to learn." He doesn't like it when Doc is nervous, he doesn't like when he "contributes to their nervousness" and wants Doc to feel good around him.

Doc asks if he feeds on emotions, and he does not, but he can detect emotions like de(a)mons. He'd claims that he is missing "context." He says that he is better at identifying feels he is more accustom to, saying fear, anger, nervousness...people feel those a lot around him. He's used to them, so he picks up on them easier.

Hush says that he doesn't feed on anything, I assume that Doc asked if he does. He says, "everything I need, I have." Doc asks and Hush says that he does not run out of energy, claiming, "it's not how I work."

Hush doesn't know everything about himself, he's actively learning about that too. He says that he can't explain much.

Hush offers to make food again, claiming that he learned to make some things. His reasoning being that Doc needs to eat, so it seems like a good thing for him to know.

Doc asks, and Hush says again that he has no desire to hurt anyone, but that he is willing to hurt those who "try to stop him."

Hush cleans up his mess (the articulate he killed). He knows that 'they' will send more, and claims that it isn't a smart idea. However, he says that he understand why they do send more. Doc asks why. Hush says, "because they think I'm going to free their gods from the prison they're in." Doc asks, and Hush says, "they think that, because that's exactly what I'm going to do...among other things."

Doc expresses their concern with this, and Hush assures that nothing will go wrong. Doc presses and he says that he won't let anything go wrong.

Hush says once more that he is "instrumental force," given purpose and form. Doc claims the he is being vague, and he claims that he is being blunt. Hush says that they don't have the context to understand. Doc asks if he can make them understand, he tells them to take his hand. Hush says that Doc is a Freelancer.

Freelancer asks if they are about to bridge, and Hush says that he is not capable of bridging.

Doc says that everyone's core sings different, and that if you really listen you can tell the differences between everyone's cores by their songs. He says that everyone's magic makes the 'Spellsong.' Hush says that he is the space between noise, he is the silence in the Spellsong.

Doc asks why he told them this. And he says that he doesn't know...and that he probably shouldn't have. But that he wanted to tell them, and that he's never wanted to tell anyone anything before.

Doc asks what happens 'after.' Hush says that he never thought about it, that he doesn't know. His conclusion is, "when I don't need to exist anymore, I won't."

Hush asks what Doc is feeling, as he is unfamiliar with their current emotions, and they tell him that they will tell him later.

He asks if they are hungry now. Doc offers to teach Hush something (presumably how to cook) and he agrees, saying he has a lot more to learn. That he wants to learn from them.

[massivementalitynut]

Hello <3 💐

1. What are your top 3 Jjk characters and why? 2. Please pick a specific scene from an anime/general media/book that you wish you could have been present in and why. 3. Is there a character you dislike but identify with anyway?

Hello :D! My, what an interesting set of questions. I was struggling with how detailed to answer them but figured I would go with the flow and see what happens XD

My top 3 JJK characters are: Gojo Satoru, Geto Suguru and Nanami Kento. My surface level reasons are because I find them visually attractive, love hearing their voices and seeing them beat the shit out of enemies. On a deeper level... each of these fine young men were dealt a deck that was stacked against them and I am fascinated with how each played their cards so differently (Satoru raising the next generation to replace the old generation, Suguru defecting to erase non sorcerers and Nanami leaving but coming back). Despite their differences, they all share commonalities (They care about the younger jujutsu sorcerors and became guardians/mentors to them).

Specific moments that really cement them in my top three would be when Gojo reels back from sorcerer mode and simply treats others like a doting figure (the baseball game and playing with Rika at the beach giving gifts to the kyoto students). Geto not being afraid to show his love for others in public (his interactions with the girls and still calling Gojo by his first name :') plus being willing to part from the familiar to go down a new path. Nanami bearing the brunt of a soul sucking job and still taking the time to help others (baker girl and Yuuji) his 'what it means to be an adult' speech still echoes in my head as I age :'3

Okay, this is my favourite question out of this bunch! (because it really caters to my self insert tendencies lol x3)

Anime: Shokugeki No Soma during the Moon Banquet Festival scene so I can try all that amazing food XD (Specifically, the time fuse mapo curry noodles <3)

General Media: I would have loved to have been present during the paintball contest in Community (TV Series) because I have never been in one and think it would be so much fun >w<

Book: Okay, I was not sure what type of book you were referring to so I just picked a manga (my fav non manga books aren't really places I wanna be present in hahaha ':D). I choose Blue Period during the festival (yes another festival but for art!) in the first year university arc. Seeing their creations in person would be even more breath taking I think ^-^... and maybe accidentally bump into Yakumo Mirai to which we then see if there is chemistry ;3c (Hey, you know I had to include at least 1 romantic self insert moment in this answer section XD!)

Hm.. It doesn't happen often and doesn't last long but years ago, I disliked Nagito Komaeda from the Danganronpa Franchise but I identified with his belief in the cycle of good luck/bad luck. It was only after the game and additional content that my belief in that waned and my feelings for him grew (yeah, I fell in love with him .////.;). Fun fact: He was the only character out of the cast that I was able to strengthen bond/affection lvls to the max without a guide 'xD

[thinkerspace]

“Where are you from?” “Earth, I guess.”

Though this article isn’t exactly an analysis of a theory, it is meant to be an examination of an idea, so I suppose it still falls under the purview of this website. As I may have alluded to in a few of my other posts, I did not grow up in my parents’ home country. Born and raised overseas for the first sixteen years of my life, I identify more strongly with the East Asian cultures wherein I grew up than the Western American culture my parents grew up in, and which I returned to visit every five years. That self-identification isn’t necessarily correct — I have more American attributes to me than I initially thought, of course — but there is still a very real component of disconnect. 

The more technical term for someone like me is a third-culture kid, or a TCK. For a TCK, where their parents were from, where their last name probably came from, and what nationality they look like are all components of what we call their passport country. My passport country is America. Where the TCK and their family lives is called their host country. My family moved around a lot, but my three host countries were in East Asia. The reason we’re called third-culture kids is that we were raised with elements of our parents’ culture in a locale with a different culture, so we naturally blend them both, making it a sort of third culture. 

When I talk to people in America and they find out I’m a TCK, they’ll ask me questions like, “So are you East Asian?” or “Are you a real American?” or “Do you like America or East Asia better?” I’m certain I’m not the only TCK who’s been asked questions like this. The truth is that most TCKs feel more like, well, a TCK than someone from either country — and most of us will feel more at home with other TCKs than we will with people from either our passport or host countries, even if each other’s countries aren’t the same. For example, a Singapore-based, Nigeria-residing TCK could likely feel more at home with a Russia-based, Italy-residing TCK than either of them will with someone from their respective host or passport countries. 

This makes a lot of sense when you think about it — people identify home with community, and people identify community with people like them. The most similar thing to a TCK is another TCK, so it only makes sense that they’ll feel the most community — and the greatest sense of home — there. Because of this, TCKs can often struggle to create proper connections with non-TCKs. Many TCKs find it a challenge to communicate how important their cultural background is to the people closest to them — I certainly have — and it can be hard to help non-TCKs really understand them. My hope is also that through this article, non-TCKs who are close to TCKs can gain some insights into how they operate, and perhaps some things to know when interacting with them. So I’ll break down a few things about TCKs here — why we can struggle to make friends, what we carry, and what we probably wish you knew. 

I’m not even going to get close to covering everything about TCKs in this article, nor would I want to. There is a lot of weight that comes with it, and some parts of it are just better left unsaid. Feel free to comment any questions you have below, and I’ll try to answer them as thoroughly and honestly as possible. Finally, because my take on this topic is completely experiential, I’ll do it a greater service by being more narrative than analytical. 

Why we can struggle to make friends

I was on a phone call with some of my TCK friends and we happened to be discussing this exact question. There are a lot of reasons, and I want to break them down and explain how the TCK life can bring them to these conclusions.

“I’m tired of starting over.” I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard this. I read an excellent (and very accurate) article called TCKS: The Most Heartless Things that stated that TCKs found solace in pretending they were all fine together. And that’s not wrong. The article says it better than I can, so I’ll just quote it: 

TCKs can be some of the most masochistic people ever—always anticipating leaving their current location then detesting for no reason wherever they go next… we all, to some extent, act like we’re used to it. And strangely enough, we find the most comfort in knowing that we’re all letting each other pretend like we’re okay. As one of my best TCK friends said to me once, “We live for the pain-joy of those awful last two weeks, three weeks, whatever.” The time when we finally realize how incredibly happy we are here with these people and we can finally let it all go for these last few weeks before we all scatter again, after all these years of wishing we weren’t here, wishing we were grown up, wishing we were with someone else. We live for this feeling of being insanely full of happiness and full of deepest sorrow at the same time.

What this author is saying, effectively, is that TCKs start over a lot — and every goodbye is something like a death. Part of you dies, that place is dead to you, many of the relationships are dead to you. A lot of TCKs have to say goodbye so many times that they harden to making new relationships as a way of protecting themselves from future pain. I can’t think of any TCK I know that hasn’t felt this for at least some considerable amount of time. This is why the author also says we live for the “pain-joy of those awful last two weeks.” The author is referring to the final weeks before a move, because then you can be happy, realizing that your grief about leaving means you actually liked the place somewhat, that maybe you didn’t harden as much as you thought you did. I’ll come back to this idea of pretending to be okay later, because it will be important.

“They’ll never understand.” This one is also very common. The TCK life is very hard to explain to others who have never lived cross-culturally, because it is hard to communicate the weightiness of constant transition. TCKs are always hovering on the brink of instability, knowing that they don’t belong to either place but not sure where they do belong. And because this is such a deep and ingrained part of our life experiences, it can feel like someone who doesn’t understand that probably won’t understand us.

“Monocultural people are just so ignorant.” Now, it’s important to remember that this is a TCK perception of a group, and there will always be exceptions to the rule. But when a TCK says someone is ignorant, they usually mean that the person hasn’t learned how to notice and respond properly to interpersonal differences. They may mean the person is inattentive to other people or that they lack a broader understanding of the world. TCKs have grown up constantly encountering new information, and they learn a lot of hard things at a young age. To them, ignorance is a cross between a lack of knowledge and a lack of maturity. Because their background tends to spur them ahead of their monocultural peers in terms of maturity, a lot of TCKs are disinclined to make monocultural friends because of what they feel is a disparity there.

This one is particularly pertinent to America, but I’ve heard a lot of TCKs say they’re resistant to making friendships with Americans because they find them very shallow. This idea is complicated and, ironically, culturally derived, but I think I ought to explain what a TCK means when he or she says this. If you have grown up your entire life face-to-face with your weaknesses and confusion, in a community living the same way, trying to find a balance between yourself and an outside culture, then you come to grips with your deficits very quickly. Because everyone in that community is dealing with the same (deep) issues of the self, identity, community, truth, belonging, etc. on the same (deep) level, we kind of drop the standard barriers to deep, personal conversations. We’re all in the same boat, so we may as well talk about it. For this reason, some TCKs will say that if conversation depth can be measured on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being the deepest, even get-to-know-you TCK conversation will start around a 3. Standard American small talk, on the other hand, will start around a 1. If the TCK has formed their immediate community with individuals who all start around a 3, it is a really severe culture shock to be forced to talk on level 1 — and many TCKs new to America have never had a 1-level conversation before, so they simply don’t know what to do with it. A TCK can sound condescending when they call Americans shallow, but what they’re trying to communicate is that they don’t know how to engage in conversation with someone who hasn’t had to think long and hard about who they are and where they belong like the TCK did. The TCK lifestyle forces a lot of self-reflection and self-awareness, so TCKs can struggle to converse with others who have had less practice being thoughtful and self-aware.

So to most TCKs, there is something very attractive about other TCKs — they both feel like displaced foreigners, and so at the core level, they share a sense of unbelonging. That sort of feeling can bond TCKs very quickly, because they share the same foundational framework for viewing reality. When TCKs are put in monocultural settings — especially the ones in their passport country — they can feel discouraged, confused, dismissed, and misunderstood. The experiences overseas that brought them pain and joy and solid community and confusion are suddenly turned into conversational talking points or showpieces. The non-TCK can’t relate and often either chooses not to care or asks questions in a way that can feel devoid of real understanding. The TCK is just looking to be understood, like everyone is when they’re looking for a friend. TCKs just have tighter exclusion criteria, because they’re harder to understand. This leads into the final reason TCKs often offer, which I think is especially practical for non-TCKs.

I call this the axis of attention. When I think back to all of my experiences with non-TCKs, I can categorize almost all of them on an axis ranging from “You are not your culture; I’m going to treat you like you’re normal,” to “You are your culture, and that is what interests me about you.” It seems like most non-TCKs, when they meet a TCK, feel like they have to fall in the right spot on this axis in order to treat a TCK properly. So they totally ignore their cultural experiences, or they ask loads of well-intended really invasive and rude-sounding questions, or they try to vacillate perfectly along that line so that they do it “right”. But, coming from the source, that is not what we want you to do. The most helpful attitude isn’t anywhere on that axis, because that axis tells the TCK that the relationship is defined by how the non-TCK responds to what they find hard to relate to. Or, more formulaically, my plan for operating in our friendship = how I act about the confusing parts of you.

To give you an easier image of this, imagine that you meet someone with a really life-altering disability, like hemiplegia (lower-body paralysis). You want to develop a friendship with them, because they have an interesting personality and a lot of charisma, or something else that you like. If you focus all of your effort on making sure your new friend never feels like you notice or pay attention to their disability, you’re going to make them feel neglected, dismissed, and uncared for, because that’s an important factor that affects their life. And at some point, you’ll accidentally take them somewhere that only has stairs and no wheelchair ramp, because you won’t have any practice thinking about how the disability affects their life. On the other hand, if you focus all of your effort on making sure they feel like you really value how the disability impacts their life, you’ll likely make them feel like that’s the only thing you find interesting about them. Your problem is that both of your strategies revolve around how you see them, and not what you see together. I would rather a non-TCK spend the first, like, four to six hours of our interactions at minimum just trying to find points of interest and connection. If my TCK background comes up, great — try to find points of connection there. But don’t think too much about how you see it. Think more about what we have in common, whether or not it incorporates my cultural background. This is how all TCKs make friendships and how monocultural people make friendships as well. Crossing the bridge can be scary and can make you wonder what strategy you’re supposed to use. As you get to know the TCK and develop a deeper relationship with them, paying more attention to their cultural background is important. But especially early on, the more you think about how you’re thinking about their cultural background, the less effective you’re likely to be. 

What we carry

It’s important to say, before going into this, that there are very few TCKs who carry light weights. A lot of us have seen really hard, painful things, and not all of those things have been properly processed. If you’re a non-TCK, it’s especially important that you be very careful not to prod about them before the TCK is ready to share them. This is primarily because the TCK more than likely is expecting you, as a monocultural person, to fall on the axis of attention, to be culturally ignorant, and to misunderstand their experiences. Maybe they’re wrong about you, but they’ve been right about too many people before (or tried to trust them and found they were wrong) to open up right away. TCKs live with a very strong feeling of difference and displacement, and if they think you’ll take something badly that really matters to them, they won’t risk having it hurt again. So what you should not do is approach a TCK you’re getting to know with encouragements to “just talk about it”. A lot of TCKs can feel like this is you trying to win status by winning their self-disclosure, which, even if you didn’t mean it that way, will just close them off more. Instead, you should ask genuine, simple, specific questions with clear reasons for why you want the answer. It’s not that we don’t want you to take a genuine interest in our background — we do, desperately. We just don’t want it to feel fake, and we’re really good at reading that into what people say. We’ll come back to asking TCKs questions in the next section.

So what kinds of things do TCKs carry? Some of them have been woven throughout this article, but here they are in summarized form:

Unresolved grief: we say goodbye a lot, we say it quickly, and we go to the next place. We don’t have a lot of time to process things, and it’s often easier to shove out the sadness in the go-go-go rush of moving to a new place again. If all the moving also means your friend group constantly changes, you also don’t have a stable support network to process the grief within, which means you’ll often isolate yourself to avoid being re-hurt. Like I said above, every move is a series of deaths, so many TCKs have seen a lot of deaths they might not have wanted to see. 

Communal disconnect: I elaborated on this a lot more in the other section, but TCKs can feel very acutely that they are alone in a crowd of monocultural acquaintances. They don’t always feel that they belong in their passport country or their host country, and because this is so hard to communicate, they often decline to share. This leaves them alone once again, waiting to find the next TCK and the next pocket of understanding.

Unbelonging: this one is rather obvious — a lot of TCKs move around a lot, but even the ones that don’t can still feel like they don’t belong. After all, the locals see them as a foreigner, but when they return to their passport country, the people who feel like foreigners to them assume they are a local. It gets wearisome explaining where you fit to both sides, and after a while, you’re not sure which side you belong on, or if you belong on a side at all.

Spastic friendships: all of the goodbyes mean that you don’t keep most people around for very long. And sure, as a TCK, your small talk starts three times deeper than the standard, but your friendship ends three times faster than the standard, too. I and my friends sometimes speculate that we start deep so we can actually get to something valuable before one of us just up and leaves again. It’s hard with the TCK lifestyle to find a long-lasting friendship with someone who’s known you a while, who can keep you accountable to things, and who understands you deeply. You expose your raw brokenness to strangers for three, six, nine months, and then one of you is gone. You have a great friendship for that time, but then it’s over — and sure, you pick back up when you talk again, but the friendships are so transient that you have very few people who know you very closely for a substantial amount of time. Just as an example, between the ages of nine and seventeen, I did not have a really solid friendship that lasted longer than six months. It was only shortly after I turned seventeen and stayed in one place that I secured a lasting, deep friendship with someone. It’s lasted over a year, and that hasn’t happened since I was eight.

High responsibility but low sense of control: this one is especially interesting to me. Because we move around a lot and/or have to adapt a lot, we realize very quickly that our success in our environment is contingent upon our ability to recognize social cues and adapt properly to them. For this reason, TCKs tend to take initiative at high levels, be proactive in their environment, look for opportunities, and exert agency in a productive manner. Consequently, most TCKs tend to see themselves as fairly responsible for their success. At the same time, the TCK realizes they had no choice over their location, or how much they moved, or what cultures influenced them. The TCK rarely gets a choice when their family needs to move again, or when they need to start again at a new school, or when their schedule gets upended because the family or immediate community needs something. They don’t get a say in their friends or what questions people from their passport countries ask them. So there are a lot of things TCKs can’t control, but they still often feel acutely responsible for their success. In some ways, this can be healthy and helpful, but in other ways, not so much — it can easily lead to negative feelings that life has it in for them, or that their agency isn’t worth much since they can’t choose most things themselves anyway.

Despair regarding transience: I’ve certainly struggled with this one a lot. I was only eight years old when I decided that everything that I looked forward to about a new place, new friends, or new things would go away too quickly to be worth all of the wait. Because my circumstances changed so much, and the things I enjoyed with it, I felt for most of my life like there was little stability to be found in a place, a feeling (especially happiness), or other people. After all, if things change all the time, why rely on them? Once they get pulled out from beneath you, you’ll fall down — best to not try to enjoy things that won’t even stay around. That mindset isn’t necessarily robust, but it’s very easy to feel that way when you move often, change friends constantly, or feel endlessly displaced. 

Hatred towards God: this is especially relevant for kids whose parents live overseas because of religious affiliations. At least a third of my TCK friends to some degree blame God for the challenges the TCK life has brought them, because they feel that he has forced their family to live overseas and instigated all of the hard things that happened as a result. Because of this, many religion-purposed TCKs can struggle with doubting whether God actually cares or loves them or whether he is there at all.

These are very complex feelings and ideas, and they aren’t things TCKs share with just anyone. If a TCK shares this with you, it’s probably because they think you’ll make an effort to genuinely understand them. Depending on the TCK, they can have a lot of baggage from things that happened to them — witnessing deaths, negative interactions with government bodies, severe loneliness, racial discrimination (depending on their host country), reentry distress, financing challenges, living with threats to their lives, and so on — that you more than likely have no idea how to respond to. 

If you’re a non-TCK, the seemingly endless stories of adventure, pain, and heartbreak can seem overwhelming and different, and you may not be sure how to handle it. Remember that it’s okay to not know what to do. Here are a few tips, though, if a TCK opens up to you about the hardest parts of their experiences:

Don’t assume that your experiences compare. If you moved from Alabama to Delaware, I’m sure you experienced some cultural changes, and that’s definitely hard, but that is not the same thing as what the TCK experienced. For points of friendship connection, finding ways you can relate to each other is a good thing. When the TCK is sharing their hurt with you, trying to make your story relate is not a good thing. It can make the TCK feel like you are misunderstanding their experiences or devaluing what it was actually like, and they’re very likely to shut down. Unless you’re a TCK, don’t act like you can relate to the TCK’s background. Immigrant kids can relate on some level, but it isn’t the same as a TCK, so while there are points of connection, don’t make yourself sound like a TCK if you aren’t one.

Don’t assume they’re bragging. We have a lot of “crazy” stories, but remember, these stories are our normal. Maybe we rode elephants five times, maybe we were chased by village attack dogs, maybe we had people take our photo everywhere we went, maybe we speak six languages. But we grew up doing those things, so it can be hurtful for other people to constantly assume that we’re flexing any time we talk about our lives, and it furthers the feeling of difference and displacement. We’re telling you stories about our lives because we’re trying to help you understand us, and because we’re trying to connect with you. We want to feel understood, and if we’ve decided that you’re worth a shot, we’ll tell you our stories because we think you’ll be able to understand us if we explain. Just because it would be something you’d brag about if you did it on vacation doesn’t mean it’s something we’re bragging about. 

Let them talk. Just listen. We may bring in fifteen subpoints (I certainly do) in our attempt to explain. When we do that, we’re just trying to give you all the context, because we don’t know what you know about cultures and life overseas. We have a lot of untold stories, and a lot will come out on the person who listens. It won’t be orderly often, because we usually cram it inside ourselves. Just be patient with us.

If you don’t understand something, ask. Also, if you’re really curious about something, ask. We like talking about our countries and our experiences, and we understand our lives well — so explaining it to someone who really cares is fun for us. If we use a term you don’t recognize, just ask what it means when we finish the sentence (bonus points: remembering the term and then using it in an appropriate context in a question or statement later is extremely meaningful. This is because the term we gave you is probably an “insider term” that other TCKs from our community use, so using it is a clear attempt on your part to understand us well). And if you’re genuinely curious, just ask us. If you really want to know what Japanese ice cream tastes like, ask. But one way you can make these questions more inviting to the TCK is by explaining why you want to know. Asking a bunch of seemingly pointless questions can make the TCK feel like a show exhibit. Instead, explain why you’re curious about the thing. For example: “I’ve heard Asians don’t like sweets as much as Americans and I found that really interesting. Did you ever notice if the Japanese ice cream flavors were less sweet because of that?” or, on a deeper level (especially if you’re trying to take an interest in their background), “I’ve heard that Japanese people can be self-isolating. Is that true, and if it is, how did that affect you during your time there?” These kinds of questions are helpful because they give us something specific to answer as well as a reason you’re taking a particular interest. You sound interested in our thoughts — not in what interesting facts we can spit out in twenty seconds. 

As a final note, if you are a friend to a TCK, there are probably a few rogue cognitive distortions that they’re harboring — and they might not recognize them because they’ve not talked to people about their TCK experiences. If — and that is a very important if — you are close enough to a TCK that they’re willing to share their experiences with you, you may want to consider that you are in a position to (gently!) challenge some of their distorted thought patterns. You can help them by encouraging them to examine their thoughts about transience, lasting friendships, God, or community. These distortions are another thing they carry, and if you’re very close to them, you can help them let go. Feel free to ask more about this in the comments if you’re interested in how you can do this.

What we probably wish you knew

I’ve covered a lot in this article, so we’ve touched on many of the things TCKs wish non-TCKs would know. But there is one thing I want to comment on about TCKs and inter-TCK interactions and community that I think a lot of non-TCKs misunderstand. 

This is the idea I mentioned earlier that we all take some comfort in pretending that we are fine. For the TCKs that I’ve interacted with, there is something relieving about knowing we have all experienced enough pain that no one needs to be surprised or turn on therapist mode. We take our experiences as they are, swap crazy stories without needing to filter them or explain terms, and disregard cultural norms wherever we see fit. The difficulty is a given, and that’s both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, we like that no one feels estranged for having a heartbreaking backstory. On the other hand, it’s kind of heartbreaking that that’s the way it is. 

We act like we love the life, the constant change, the cultural exposure, and the hard things that force us to grow — and in a lot of ways, we do. But remember that that isn’t all there is. It is a sharp “pain-joy”, the kind of thing that makes us cry, but the thing we’re glad to cry about. The same author I cited earlier adds,

When it’s a party of TCKs, we eat inordinately huge slices of hummingbird cakes late at night, viciously spearing with forks the decadent plumage whose flavor we cannot label—banana? pineapple? blackberry? coconut? We blow clouds of soap bubbles in each other’s faces… and tell stories about people we love who are in heaven now, but only the funny stories, the stories that make us laugh… The laughter—that’s the most important part. The cackles and snorts and delighted shrieks that swell and rise out of our throats and fill the apartment and overflow down the hallway. We bang our hands emphatically on the table, clutch at the walls as our knees buckle and our sides are throbbing with all the joy and we eventually give up and collapse on the floor and we can’t breathe. The can’t breathe is when it gets dangerous. Because in that moment of sheer white oxygen-deprived hilarity, everything goes quiet in your mind and all of a sudden it is incredibly clear what will happen too soon. It happens in a split second: the heaving in your chest is no longer from breathless laughter but a flood of tears rushing up your windpipe, a tingling gush sweeping through your sinuses, and you tilt your head back as fast as you can to balance the emotions on your eyeballs. But no matter! Mr. TCK-from-Japan-but-is-German-with-an-American-accent to the rescue with more bubbles in my face and open mouth, and I sputter and blink away tears and roar in indignation, and the tribal dance starts up again. Moment of danger safely behind, only slightly bruised.

I love this illustration, because it captures very precisely what a lot of my experiences with my TCK friends are like. We don’t always know what we’re eating. We know we’re emotional wrecks, and we laugh about it until we cry, and then we laugh some more. Our lives have asked a lot from us. 

So here is what we wish you knew: when we cry, we don’t always wish we weren’t; when we laugh, we’re not always glad we are. It is not a light weight that we carry, but the weight draws us deeper into reality, and that is valuable. We can be painfully joyed by our experiences simultaneously. There’s a lot of emotional weight that comes with the TCK life, and it sometimes feels like we have to laugh it all away. That is not always a bad thing — our stories are complicated, and so are our feelings. It means so much that you just experience the feelings with us — even if they change. 

Again, if you have any questions about the TCK life or want resources to understand them more, ask in the comments, and I’ll try to answer as well as I can. In a few weeks, I and one of my best TCK friends are going to co-author a follow-up article talking more about the benefits of the TCK life and other miscellaneous things, so keep an eye out for that if you enjoyed this one.