Lady Vampire (with a brooklyn accent): I gotta tell ya, bein' immortal and a vampire has it's perks, but the one issue is that sex with the opposite gender gets borin'. You can only have so many men inside ya before they feel the same. I've lived a long time too. The amounts of guys who've been like 'I'm the one that can make you feel like a natural woman' and then don't have left me more hungry than me on a blood lust. Then I met up with this woman in the 60s who was a repressed lesbian because 1860s. Took her home, next thing I know we're sweaty and layin' in the bed-
Spoiler: Why are you telling us this?
Vampire: I'm gettin' there. I'm into many genders, but women's is what I enjoy. They soft, they listen, we both like cuddlin', but they're still a challenge.
The vampire looks directly at Spoiler as Red Robin and Red Hood step away a few inches.
Vampire: It is actually hard givin' them an orgasm. I thought it was me. My point is, I don't want any of the mens you're with. I want you blondie. You got the look I like, reminds me of this old pirate back in 1865 and your body is bangin'. What do you say, one night of passion?
Spoiler remains silent as her entire face turns pink unsure of what to say.
Vampire: I'll release your friends from my thrall if you do.
Red Hood: Spoiler, go on over to her. Have that night of passion.
Vampire: I've got vanilla scented candles.
Hood: That's your favorite.
Spoiler let's out an angry growl directed to Hood. Red Robin, standing next to the two, chuckles slowly which grows more and more until he falls on the floor in hysterics.
Vampire: What- What did I say?
Spoiler: I- Y- I need a moment- you said a lot things that I'm trying to process. Is anyone warm? I am gonna just walk for a second.
Spoiler walks away.
Red Hood (chuckling): Are you thinking about it?
Spoiler: Ignoring you!
Red Robin, on the ground laughing, starts snorting as well.
Red Robin: Oh God, oh God, that was the- Oddly enough I agree with your thinking, but with men.
Vampire: Oh you're pan or bi?
Red Robin: Bi.
Vampire: Wow, good for you. Blondie, do it for your friend, he understands.
Hood: I'm on board with this as well. Spoiler, you can cross it off your bucket list.
Spoiler: I am not banging a vampire- Would you just let our friends go for a different reason! Have sex with one of them!
Vampire: Come on, I'm gentle. Won't even bite ya.
Spoiler: I am not banging a vampire! Man or woman, not happening!
Vampire: I swear, some of them are hard to win over.
Hood: Preaching to the choir. Give me a second.
Hood walks over to Spoiler and carries her back to the group.
Spoiler crosses her arms angrily.
Vampire: All right, all right, no sex. I respect the boundary. How about a kiss, no tongue, just lips.
Spoiler: I-
Hood: Nightwing is a vampire, do it for him.
Spoiler: Frick it, fine. Pucker up!
Vampire: Yes!
Five days later:
Dick: How were you able to defeat her again?
Stephanie: I stuck a dagger in her heart and nothing else!
Dick: Um okay.
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Do I even want to know what happened in the last 24 hours 😭 I'm almost afraid to ask but I'm also insanely curious
You probably don't want to know but I'll tell you because you have no choice. This will be long and...awful. But there are sources so that's fun! Please keep in mind that this was all released within 24 hours on Thursday, September 20th, 2024 and that, unfortunately, I haven't mentioned everything.
But! The GOP was certainly having a wild one yesterday.
To start things off:
The first 'Big News' to break was about Mark Robinson.
For those saying 'who the fuck is Mark Robinson', he's the current (R) Lt. Gov of North Carolina that is running for Gov. Before yesterday, he was best known for openly hating LGBT+ and Jewish folks, being a Holocaust denier, being (forcefully) anti abortion, saying it was better when women couldn't vote, anti immigrant, hating the civil rights movement, etc, just being a hateful Evangelical nasty fascist. MAGA to his core. Trump has endorsed him, saying he should be cherished and calling him "MLK on steroids". (Robinson is Black).
So, yeah, that's bad enough right? Yesterday it got even worse. CNN released a report about some comments he made on a porn site forum 12 years ago, the most prominent being 'i'm a black NAZI'. He also commented that he wished slavery was legal and that he'd own a few, and called himself a 'perv' that used to 'peep' on women in public locker rooms when he was a teenager.
Also the tale as old as time that I'm sure you could guess when I mentioned 'GOP' 'loudly transphobic' and 'porn site scandal' - trans porn was a favourite of his. Because of course.
Also of course - the GOP hasn't taken him off the ticket, and he will continue to be the nominee for governor in North Carolina!
Read the article, there's more about him and the situation in general. Mind the warnings.
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Now on to our favourite worm brained bear eating anti vaxxer conspiracy theorist, Robert F. Kennedy Junior! I'm putting this under a read more now.
The first thing to drop about him yesterday was the news of an investigation after he allegedly cut off the head of a dead whale and took it home 20 years ago. Now I bet you're thinking, wow that's bad! Unfortunately for RFK Jr yesterday got worse. It was then revealed that he (70) was having an affair with right wing journalist Olivia Nuzzi (31) after New York Magazine suspended her.
Everything I learn about RFK Jr I learn against my own will.
-
Saying goodbye to RFK for now, let's move on to Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida! This Matt Gaetz, with the botox if you didn't recognise him.
Scary lookin, right?
This isn't a completely new story (here's an article about how he alledgedly paid for sex with a minor) but new court filings were released yesterday alledging that he attended a drug-fueled sex party in 2017 with the 17-year-old girl at the center of the alleged sex trafficking scandal.
Sure is great to have such trustworthy men representing this country!
OKAY, on to the next.
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This wasn't really breaking news because this is just Trump being Trump but he gave a speech at an ANTI ANTISEMITISM EVENT where he preemptively blamed the Jews for being the reason he'll lose this election, telling them they need to get their head checked if they vote for Harris (that's pretty much part of his stump speech by now though) and saying he'll reinstate his Muslim ban. White fascist blaming Jews? Wow, I did Nazi that coming.
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I genuinely could go on, I really truly could.
Oh! Kamala Harris went on Oprah and it was really nice and not at all insane and she talked to the family of the first known victim of Trump's abortion ban and it was very touching. Trump's official social media then posted a clip of her talking about her gun and saying 'If somebody breaks into my house, they're getting shot' like it was a snatch when in reality Republicans in the comments are saying 'actually, this would make me vote for her'. Thanks, Trump Team for the free advertising!
Misc:
Chris Rufo (known racist and anti immigration right wing activist) got revealed to have an illegal immigrant wife, and then got revealed to be a user of Ashley Madison (database where people go to cheat on their partners)(Robinson was also on Ashley Madison).
Jasmine Crockett during her thing and ripping white republicans to shreds. (idk this was just fun to me)
Actually Republicans and Project 2025 got ripped to shreds and shut down in general by multiple Congress members.
GOP is on the brink of causing a government shutdown, because of COURSE they are.
Cards Against Humanity sues SpaceX over “invasion” of land on US/Mexico border.
Anyway there's actually MORE believe it or not but I can't remember if it happened yesterday. Thank you for reading, I'm always open to discussing current events. I don't think it's a well known fact that I'm into politics because I don't talk about it on tumblr because people are kinda stupid. Anyway!
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I'd Hammer in the Morning (Male!Reader x Thor)
Part One
"What do you mean, you're quitting?" Tony practically shouts.
"Hey, hey, I didn't say the Q-word."
"But you are."
"I... I'm going to be moving to Asgard, Tony. I can't be your personal assistant from a realm away."
Tony fidgets, swinging an arm in your direction. "A 'realm away?' Look how they've got you talking - you can say 'realm' with a straight face!"
"Please don't make this difficult." you try to get that stern but kind note in your voice that Frigga gets when managing Odin or Thor, but you don't quite get there.
"Fine, I won't. Recharge, I don't accept your resignation."
"Pretty sure it doesn't work that way."
"Don't care." Tony quips petulantly. When Pepper walks in, he immediately bursts out. "Recharge is quitting!"
Pepper smiles at you. "Yes, he is, and we're so excited for you. Congratulations, Y/N."
Tony's jaw drops.
"I know it's short notice, but Tony's going to host your goodbye party before you leave, if that's alright."
"I am?"
She silences him with a look. Oh, there it is.
"Fine, fine..."
And with that, after an all-too-wild party that Pepper does her best to manage, you're ready to leave Midgard as your primary residence.
Thor meets you atop the Avengers Tower, the burning runic circle etched into the helipad, little drones already trying to clear up the ash and cinders.
You run to his arms, excited to see him.
"Did you truly think I would not wish to witness every moment of your arrival to my home? Our home, now." Thor chuckles.
"No, I actually thought I was going to awkwardly have to call Heimdall."
You notice a few other Asgardians are here, glancing around interestedly. "Father is eager for your arrival. He assumed you'd have more... luggage. Insisted I bring porters."
You don't really have much more than a couple large suitcases and a few boxes to contain everything you own. Tony had insisted on digitizing all of your books and movies and games and ensuring you'd have communication and internet even on Asgard with a tiny prism he assured you had a copy of JARVIS on it for your use.
It's his way of showing he cares, because he can't go more than two sentences without snarking, by law, apparently.
"Wait... your father is eager for my arrival? I... I kinda thought Lord Odin wasn't too fond of Midgardians."
"No, he's not disdainful, simply... he worries about me. Our... lifespans."
You balk instinctively, the notion that Thor may long outlive you a little depressing. "Oh."
"But he seems to be much more open. So either he has a plan, or you have simply won him over as a mortal that can wield Mjolnir and learn my mother's seidr."
You do recall Odin becoming more warm to your presence, especially once you got over the hump of learning magic and started to transcend your electrokinesis. Frigga, of course, loves you. "A plan? To, like... deal with my lifespan?"
"Perhaps. Mother mentioned something about a coronation gift."
"Wow, all of this for your boyfriend? They're that eager to have me?"
"All of Asgard is eager. To be completely honest..." Thor chuckles, almost nervously. "I believe they expect a proposal soon."
"Oh." You chuckle a little, almost nervous as well. "And should they?"
"My prince... my king... you know this has been the greatest year of my life. I am more than eager to share all my days with you."
"Thor... I love you too."
"Then perhaps a proposal is not far off at all." He smirks. "Now, are you certain this is all your luggage?"
"Yes. Underwhelming, I know."
"Not at all. It simply means you will have plenty of room for the gifts I will shower you with."
You giggle. And then it hits you that you are truly leaving Earth. You frown softly, looking around as nostalgia crashes over you in waves.
"What ails you, my love?"
"Just... it's suddenly very hard to leave."
Thor takes you in his arms and kisses you. "I swear that as long as the Bifrost stands, I shall take you to Midgard whenever you wish."
You kiss him back. "You're sweet. But... it's just the change. It's always a big moment. But I'm not leaving home, not really. I'm coming home. To you. To Odin and Frigga. Even to Loki."
Thor grins. "Truly, you think of my misguided brother as your family?"
You nod. "Frigga and I have been taking lessons outside his cell lately as part of his rehabilitation."
His eyes shine with something surpassing gratitude and admiration.
"My king... allow me the honor of bringing you home."
And in a flash of rainbow and lightning, he does.
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