#as an autistic person I try really hard to connect with others and learn to navigate social situations

[the-trans-dragon]

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[hillbillyoracle]

How to Have Better Conversations

I’m writing this at the request of my partner. She shared she’s really been struggling with making conversation more than usual lately. I shared some thoughts on how I navigate conversations she found useful and asked if I’d be willing to make a resource or write more about it. This is not meant to be a definitive expert guide, it’s built from my observations and experiences as someone who is autistic and has to navigate a lot of social situations completely manually. This is how I break down the individual components of conversation.

When I spelled this all out, one of her takeaways was that conversations actually involve a lot of microdecisions and that’s why they can be so tiring. And I think that’s totally correct. But I think it’s also why some people can thrive with them because it’s actually a lot of difficult decisions that are tricky to pull off well so when you can and do, there’s a real sense of accomplishment that can make talking more appealing.

I have a feeling this post will be overcomplicated and convoluted to a lot of folks but maybe there’s a handful of folks for whom it is helpful. Take what works, leave the rest. Summary at the end.

Types of Conversation

Topics of conversation are decently important in my experience. They ultimately let you know where the conversation will go - whether it’s likely to end in a dead end, what sorts of things it will allow you to learn about the person you’re discussing with. In my experience, just about all conversation topics fall into one of four camps.

While I talk about Best Use and Don’t Use here - most conversation in the following topics will fall somewhere in-between. They’re just sign posts, not rules.

Me

The focus is on you. Me topics are ultimately about telling a story about yourself with some amount of conscious intent.

Best Use

The best use of this is setting expectations and conveying preferences. This allows your talking about yourself to serve a purpose that ultimately assists the other person in knowing how to understand and interact with you best without necessarily demanding certain treatment front. They might change or not change how they interact with you and this can show how responsive you might expect them to be.

Examples:

“I’m a writer so I don’t work 9-5. If I reply at odd times, that’s probably what’s going on.”

“One of my favorite ways to get to know someone is to grab a hot drink and go for a walk with them.”

Don’t Use

The worst use of this is look a certain way - knowledgeable, impressive, interesting. Basically any use rooted in getting another person to like you. Genuine connection doesn’t start from a place of elevating one person over another. Plus honestly 90% of people just do not care about why you think you’re interesting, important, etc and hate feeling pressured to validate you.

Examples:

“My boss was even stumped by the issue but I figured it out on my own.”

“All my friends say I’m the best at baking.”

“I keep a bunch of tools in my car, I’m ready to fix anything anywhere.”

You

The focus is on the other person. You topics are ultimately about letting the other person share the story of themselves.

Best Use

The best use of You topics is to better understand how a person understands themselves. Open ended questions that invite them to show their thinking as well and shows you how they reason. The common acronym FORD (family, occupation/occupy time, recreation, dreams) is a decent

Example:

“So how did you find yourself in this city? What was that journey like?”

“Why did you take up [your hobby]? What drew you to it?”

Don’t Use

Don’t use you topics to actively try to find fault with someone else. It’s great to have standards and hard no’s for your friendships and relationships. But poking around for them upfront can alienate people who you’d otherwise like - suspicion is not a desirable quality in a friend or potential partner. Ultimately you have to let a person show you who they are and make a personal call. There’s no short cut.

Example:

“So why did you and your ex break up?”

“So you get angry easily then?”

Both

The focus is on a shared expertise/language, not on the story of either of you.

Best Use

The best use of both topics is to notice things about them they wouldn’t think to explicitly share necessarily and to connect in a way that only people with your shared interest or expertise allows.

Example:

My partner and I both have a background in academic medical research. However when we talk about it, it becomes apparent that my focus is on the practical and researcher side and hers is on the data and compliance side. It’s interesting to note where our similar interests compliment and diverge.

Don’t Use

Don’t use both topics to try one up or show you know more than the other person. The minute you do that the shared aspect - and therefore connection - is gone.

Example:

I once went on a date with a man who spent a half hour explaining how GIS systems work in a very “look at me” way after I mentioned I had used them when I was studying forestry in college. It was boring as hell.

Neither

The focus is on a topic without a shared expertise/language, not on the story of either of you.

Best Use

The best use of neither topics is a shared exploration/experience. One person will usually know a little more about a topic than the other person. The person who knows less benefits by learning about a topic they’re curious about. Their questions and observations invite the other to think about this topic in a new light so the experience winds up being somewhat shared.

Examples:

A woman in line at Lowes let me know I could overwinter mums in this area. I proceeded to ask her about how she’d taken such good care of hers and whether the effortwas worth it. She thoughtfully answered my questions and I learned a lot.

I mentioned to my partner a personal project I’m considering undertaking. She asks about my motivations for it and in doing so I have to further clarify them. She learned a little about what my project was about and I learned what I was really after, seeing it fresh.

Don’t Use

Don’t use neither topics to soapbox about things that are of solely personal interest. If someone makes it clear they’re not interested pivot to something more interesting. Even neither topics require at least a little bit of common ground.

Examples:

I regularly talk about group hypocrisies I’m trying to make sense of before realizing that people outside of that group don’t really care.

Ideal Ratio

In general, in reflecting on my own conversations, I think a ratio where more than half the conversation is on either both or neither topics are the most rewarding. It’s where neither party walks away feeling like they talked too much about themselves and when meaningful and interesting topics still have been discussed.

I think it’s a common mistake to try to get the conversation to be 50% you, 50% me. That’s where conversations feel like a job interview and get exhausting real quick. They also have an appearance of depth as people disclose more to keep the conversation going but with out a feeling of connection after because little time is spent on exploration and shared experience.

How to Respond

So knowing what topic you’re currently or want to talk about is one part of this, but the other is choosing a response. I generally let the other person’s response dictate some measure of my response.

Pivot

If someone seems negatively engaged - leaning back, looking around a lot, arms crossed, giving short answers - I pivot to a neutral topic. I find neutral topics work best because the focus is not on either of you - they don’t feel like they’re under pressure to disclose or act interested in you. Neutral topics also allow them to lead the pace - asking questions and making observations at the level they feel comfortable. If they continually seem negatively engaged, it’s usually best to bail from the conversation, especially if asking questions about the dynamic itself seems like it might not be welcome.

Matching

If someone seems neutrally engaged - mostly looking in your direction, not leaning toward or away, giving input on what you’re saying - I match and continue with the topic.

FOOL

Being a little like the Fool in the Major Arcana is actually a great way to be a good conversationalist - genuine, curious, brave, and receptive. Bellow are some concrete ways how.

Follow up questions - Good follow up questions come from a genuine place of curiousity. They also tend to either fill in gaps in your own understanding or encourage the speaker expand the discussion into a new but related area.

Observation - Observations on the topic itself are great but not your only option. You can oberve how a person seemed to feel when talking about the topic. You can observe that they’d touched on a related topic before. Comparison is a fruitful ground for observations as well - “That’s similar to…” and ”That’s very different than….”

Opinion - Offering an opinion or requesting their opinion is a good way to keep a conversation going. In general, it’s best to avoid generalizations, soften them a little to start with, and make sure there is some measure of compassion in the opinion you’re sharing. Rigidity leaves little room for discussion and exploration.

Levity - Where appropriate, make a joke, share a meme, craft a pun, tease them a little. Laughter is a shared experience that connects us.

Building

If someone seems positively engaged - leaning forward, making eye contact, coming closer to you for neurotypical people and actively engaging with the content of what you’re saying regardless of stims or eye contact for neurodivergent folks - I build on what we’re talking about. I self disclose my feelings and personal connections to the topic one step further than what the person I’m talking with has.

It’s important not to disclose a lot more than the person you’re talking with has. It leads to a vulnerability hangover for you and can be quite awkward and uncomfortable for them. If you disclose just a little more than the person you’re chatting with, then it’s much more easy to recover and match their level if they seem uncomfortable with what you shared.

Decision Tree

“What topic are we talking about currently?”

Me - Set expectations, share preferences; you focused

You - Understand you as you understand yourself; other person focused

Both - Connect over a shared language; idea focused

Neither - Connect over a shared exploration; idea focused

“What cues am I getting from the other person?”

If positive, build on current topic - be vulnerable

If neutral, match on current topic - be a FOOL*

If negative, pivot to a different topic - preferably neutral or in ratio**

*FOOL

Follow up questions - genuine curiousity - “I wonder…”

Observe - conversation, feelings, topic - “I noticed…”

Opinion - cautious, concise, compassionate - “I’ve often thought…”

Levity - make jokes, share memes - laughter connects

**Ratio

51% Both/Neither

<49% Me/You

[catgirl-catboy]

My hopes for S2 of the total drama reboot:

More Axel screentime! Honestly, I felt like Ripper really should have got voted out that ep because he was less useful to the team and the nerds were already annoyed by him. It felt like they booted her just because she's like Eva in the episode where they voted off Eva.

Julia keeps the bun the entire season

Maybe I'm getting my hopes up, but Priya x Millie? You can have it be one-sided if you want to make Priya x Damien canon. But they had just as much, if not more romantic tension then the canonically queer couple! (not a bad thing, I love Rajbow too!)

Speaking of Rajbow, I DON'T want season two to introduce artificial drama between them. I don't think it would make sense from a character driven perspective, because Bowie knows how to play the game too well for that. I think that in season two, its likely he'd put his relationship on hold to better persue the million.

Emma Villain arc, but like in a sympathetic way. She really wants to win the million and prolonged Chase exposure might cloud her judgement on what she will do to get it.

Nichelle and Julia alliance. Or just any interaction between them. Please. I need to know how she'll react to Julia's true colors.

Speaking of Julia, I want to see her come back next season with a new fake personality. Maybe have her be a fake gamer girl idk. Nobodies buying it.

For Priya and Millie, I want to see them both working on a book TOGETHER next season. Maybe a total drama survival guide?

Less fart jokes from Ripper. More of a personality that does not revolve around fart jokes from Ripper.

MK learns from her mistakes and gets farther in the next season. I want her to pull a Noah.

In between seasons, Damien watches Total Drama and becomes a fan. Maybe he and Priya geek out about it?

This one's never gonna happen but if the writers make my Autistic!Priya headcanon official I would literally die of :DDD

Either vote Caleb off first again, or give him something distinct from Justin and Alejandro. This is silly, but the first thing I thought of is that he dislikes his looks because its hard to make genuine connections with other people when all everyone wants to do is get in his pants.

More humor based around Zee being an amputee. As a physically disabled person, I thought it was hilarious and handled respectfully.

Bowie and Emma don't become friends again, so WAYNE takes over trying to help Emma out with Chase.

What do you want to see next season?? Please tell me in the RBs I'm curious!

[broomsick]

Is it alright if I ask you for some guidance on connecting with the Norse pantheon? I'm entering into a really scary time in my life, grappling with going to college in the city despite being (up until now) a lifelong country bumpkin and possibly even moving out for the first time, all while being a timid autistic person with a terrible anxiety disorder.

Basically if there's ever a time I'd need the gods to be present in my life it's now, but I still struggle to feel connected with them sometimes. I still connect with them, I've had dreams where I talk with Odin and Thor and Freyr, but I can't say they're a completely consistent part of my life. Sometimes I even question if they're really protecting me, even though I know that's almost certainly the anxiety talking.

Is there anything you'd recommend doing to connect with the gods during a really stressful time? I have a very small and honestly not very impressive altar so maybe I should work to spruce that up more. Any guidance would be appreciated, sorry for bothering you 🙏 Thanks!

Hi there! First of all, I want to tell you that moving out is indeed scary, and it's very brave of you to consider moving so far! I definitely understand your situation, as I haved struggled with anxiety pretty much forever. Unfortunately, being a pagan with this sort of mental health challenge can bring about a lot of insecurity. And I find that sometimes, it can also make us feel disconnected from our spirituality. I don't think that this is something we can completely overcome. As a matter of fact, I find that it's better to ask yourself "why do I feel this way right now?", rather than say "I should be feeling this way, so why don't I?". What I learned with time is that our day-to-day circumstances affect our spirituality more than we think. For example, I often start to feel disconnected from my spiritual life when I've had a stressful week at work, or even just when I try too long and too hard to connect with the Gods. And on top of that, with social media being the way it is, people cant help but compare themselves with pagans who have more time and money on their hands. Now, I'm no expert on all things psychology, but I do know about spirituality. And I know that it comes and goes in waves: every single polytheist I've met experiences moments when they don't feel as connected to their Gods as they used to. Even those whose very career was tied to their spiritual practices. But those are not bad news! It only means that you have a healthy relationship with spirituality, and that you're not letting it overshadow the other important aspects of your life.

But more on the tips to stay connected to the Gods. What I know for certain is that sometimes, we have no control over how connected we feel to them. But there are a lot ways for you to keep them close to your heart. The first, in my opinion, is to make your spirituality into a safe and happy place. Find ways to make it fun! By listening to music that feels spiritual to you, writing down prayers or devotional poems when you’re inspired, wearing a piece of jewelry in their honor, making a Pinterest board into a little online shrine, drawing a rune or sigil which represents them on your skin, making art of the deities you love… In other words, don’t be afraid to mix your passions and your faith. No matter how “casual” it may feel! Sometimes, “casual” is what we can manage given our busy lives (which is why the size of your altar does not matter, it’s the love you pour into tending it that makes all the difference). It’s both perfectly normal and healthy. And if something about your practice/belief doesn’t feel right anymore, simply let go of it. Same goes if you don’t resonate with something that every other pagan seem to do.

Another tip I can give you is to simply try (don’t worry, I will elaborate). By this, I mean adopt simple gestures to honor them, even if there might not necessarily be a response. I find that this is especially important in moments when you struggle to feel the presence of your Gods. Leave them a small portion of your dinner every now and then. Do a little bit of research on this or that deity when you can. And if you’ve got the time, offer them a fruit, or a cup of coffee! Anything will do, no matter how small. Light a candle for them every night (routine helps a lot), and pray if you’ve got something on your mind. It’s normal not to see some sort of immediate response. But if you look around yourself during the day— if you look at the sunset on your way home from work, at the trees that rustle with the wind, or at the rain pouring outside your window—, and if you listen carefully to what people tell you, you might start to notice some signs. Recurring patterns and omens are a typical example of signs that a deity might send. It’s also fun to draw parallels between every day things and your deities. For example, to think of Freyr when you tend a cute new house plant. Or to pray to Skaði during a snowstorm! I have always loved “inviting” deities to witness certain events, so as to share the joy with them. I simply close my eyes, focus of the deity I want to call out to, and speak their name aloud, or murmur it. Actually, if you’re interested in this topic, I have written this post, which could be helpful to you!

Don’t be afraid to keep trying, that’s my most important tip. There’s really not much else we can do when we feel disconnected from our faith. Make your belief into something that feels right. Spirituality should be a happy place for you, and not a reason for worry. You deserve for your practice as a norse pagan to feel joyful and fulfilling. Above all, don’t force anything: these sorts of moments are inevitable. I’ve known them myself, and so has every other pagan. But things will get better soon, that I guarantee!

[autisticlee]

I have realized I need more friends, especially a specific type of friend (chill, positive, very nice and gentle, shares interest in my interests, etc) so I've been putting a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make a new friend, but I don't think it's working D: I genuinely don't know how to do it. I used to ask people if we can be friends but learned thats not correct and even got called creepy for it before...so i'm just exhausting myself for no reason because nothing is being reciprocated the way I want or need it to be.

i'm trying to learn about the person and tailoring my scripts to match them and what they seem to like about people they are friends with. but so far i'm not getting much reaction outside of general kind acknowledgment that all random strangers get. i'm trying so hard not to ramble or rant about anything or be "too negative" like i've been called many times for simply stating a related/relatable fact about myself. i'm trying to ask questions more questions like ive been told to do. i'm saying nice and positive things whenever I get the chance like i always do. i'm doing all the things people have advised me to do when ive asked advice, but it still feels like i'm looking through a window and not allowed to walk through the door! but see everyone else getting invited inside. I genuinely don't know what to do and how to make it better 🥲

when I look back in the past and how I made friends or starter talking to people, it always came from trauma bonding....often it would start from or be carried along by a shared interest, but one of the dominating factors was always trauma bonding and ramling and ranting at each other about the trauma we have gone through that relates to each other. I felt like I needed it at the time and felt like it helped, but now i've reached a point where it's too exhausting to go through repeated exposure to trauma stories and reexperiencing ny own traumas. plus it usually ends in failure and me adding more trauma to my plate because they have issues and lash them out at me, or decide they are upset that I have my own issues they trigger, and I do not want to do that anymore.

I don't want to befriend people through or to trauma bond. I don't want to befriend people who only want to talk about negative things or people who bring out those things in me. I want some positive and chill and fun friends. but I genuinely do not know how else to make friends. I don't know how to do it right. I don't know how to talk to people correctly. I don't know how to do any of this without trauma dumping/ l listening to trauma dumping and using that as the gateway to form friendships.

I don't know how to have friends that don't share same interests either, but I have realized that's only part of it. that part is fine I think. maybe that's the normal part. (it's my autistic intensity that's the "not normal" part and losing friends as soon as one of us loses that interest) but how do I befriend someone positively off of similar interests only, and not drop my dark lore or avoid letting them drop their dark lore and using that as the bridge? I simply can't figure out how to connect with people in any other way than the whole "I understand what you're going through/you're not alone/I'm here for you/this is a safe space you can come to" thing I tried building up my whole life. but that's only been exhausting and leads to dead ends.

I don't know how to form strong and positive connections with other humans, despite following every tutorial and advice I could find. I even tried heavily masking and learned I'm just no good at it, and I can't figure out if i've acted myself out of a personality, or if it's just a dissociative disorder causing me to have like 20 different ones (working with therapist now who is evaluating me for osdd/did because she says my dissociative levels are concerning. and honestly i feel like part if not all of it is due to my negative people experiences....so i really need positive ones!) i've been trying to keep all my rambles and rants and negative thoughts and feelings to this blog only. i'm not here on this blog to make friends. this is purely for me and myself and I. if anyone relates they are welcome to reply/comment or send an ask and share, but i'm not going to pursue a friendship over it.

I only want to accept positive and chill and fun friendships over my special interests and smaller interests (I have a whole other blog for just those) BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT. NOTHING ANYONE TELLS ME WORKS. i'm trying so hard to bond over interests with people but just cannot form any connections no matter how hard I try. it remains me being the only one to ever reach out and give (time/energy/attention/etc) while they can easily have 4747373 other friends and people they enjoy and care about and talk to and hang out with. so I don't think it's them. it has to be me. (I've had people saying it's not me, it's the people I try to talk to and I need to find other people. or even "the right people" but i'm not told how to do that or what it means. and i've spent years flipping through people like clothes on a rack and it's so tiring!!!!!)

don't know know what to do or how to do it, but need human interaction and genuine strong connection and can't force self stop craving that 😭😭😭😭😭

[system-of-a-feather]

Okay so like, we started talking to an old friend again that we haven't talked to in like over a year, almost a year and a half honestly and it naturally has me having to go through the "aight what have you missed in the Feathers Saga" and thinking about it made me go "ok its a good chance to make a list of Total Ws in life and recovery to celebrate a year and a half of progress" cause god damn theres been a lot

Lets GO. 1.5 Year "we got this bread" positivity post to just go "God DAMN we are doing GOOD" (not an exhaustive list though cause that requires me to remember and go through every event over a year and a half and I may be at functional multiplicity but my memory is still garbage)

Trauma, DID, and Recovery Achievements:

Identified and got a system consensus that our oldest sister is a piece of shit and basically our life long "handler" and HARD cut her off out of our life

Rebuilt really good relationship (neutral but pleasant to supportive and reliable) with our other direct family members who don't try to force us to interact with her

Identified that we are probably considered polyfragmented and very quickly accepted it cause quite frankly we don't really care

Got most parts to acknowledge that we aren't faking being Asian (I know but that was a long one I swear to god)

Basically entirely got over our 6 year long difficulty driving cars SO much to the point we have multiple parts ARGUING who gets to drive and actively WANTING to drive

Largely let go of a lot of the anger and hurt directed at our parents for their role in our childhood trauma

Largely helped our main CSA trauma holder basically fully go into PTSD remission to the point hes now an uber helpful tertiary host and arguably one of our most comfortable parts talking about CSA related topics

Cleared stabilization phase of recovery and achieved functional multiplicity as confirmed by our DID specialist at the time

Fused like so many parts ngl. I don't know if Riku 1.0 and XIV 1.0 fused with their respective parts to be Riku 2.0 and XIV 2.0 around then cause it was about the time we stopped talking but there was that, the whole Data subsystem and shit, integrating Chunn into the system and helping him renavigate that crap, Lin fusing with an inner world part and shit - lots of that XD

Became a (Zen-leaning) Buddhist which plays a decent role in how we approach our mental health and cultural identity

Finally went from "undiagnosable autistic" to "Yeah you are autistic" because functional multiplicity enabled a more clear diagnosis

LOTS of gender dysphoria shit and gender shit that is too much work to break into main bullet points

Gained massive insight into how we intend to approach our reclaiming of sexuality

Learned to literally meditate and just enjoy existing

Realized we reaaaaaalllllly have a low threshold for dealing with people who we don't actively and strongly enjoy being around

Career and Direction Wise:

Graduated our undergrad - woot woot

Got a job supporting special ed - enjoyed it made good connections but also noted that god no dealing with people so much is not our cup of tea

Got a BETTER job at a reputable university to support research on aging memory with mice that has really good benefits - really like this job but also its not our cup of tea because we don't really enjoy the monotony

Came to the decision that research wise we really would rather deal with people on the "less" than the "more" end, scratching off a lot of human-focused research interests at least for the time being and greatly narrowing our previously wide scope down to the more animal heavy side

Sitting on old topics we researched and found interest in, realized the one thing our brain kept going back to was metrics of studying animal mental states and that we really probably would enjoy that as a nice balance between our interest and what we have the personal ability to engage in sustainably

Decided we are in fact going back to our PhD now that we have decided that 1) working life as a gear in a machine is cool and relaxing and shit, but it lowkey makes us depressed with how stagnant it is and we need more going on in our work life to keep us happy so "ok we tried that, we don't like it, back to the plan" 2) we have a pretty good idea of what we want to study at least for the beginning of a PhD career that could go in different directions organically

Scheduling currently a Zoom meeting with a professor we are interested in to informally discuss graduate studies

Independence, Hobbies and Other Shit:

We live on our own, sustain our life on our own and live with our fiance who - despite being currently unable to work due to disabilities - we are able to support and sustain (also bless zen Buddhism making it easy to be happy and enjoy life on a lower income)

Made some really nice mutuals - you know who you are - yall are good company love yall

Between the parts that are co-hosting, we have so many hobbies and interests its ridiculous; but we added electric guitar, ukelele, and recently a drum pad to our musical repertoire; gardening and plant care (which we suck at which is fine) added to the hobby

Became painful morning people as a result to our job and kinda realized we prefer it sorry for being that guy

Lost the ability to do the peacock call due to T dropping our voice range like a BITCH but in returned gained Raven calls and duck / goose noises

Also learned to do finch calls

Rescued two lovebirds when we moved to an apartment with our fiance - they are lesbians and very confused about it

Adopted a cat my fiance's mom was fostering from a kitten cause shes a shoulder cat (bird) and also now because of XIV she is also a dog who plays fetch and loves belly rubs (she also has extra toes)

Consistently continued doing art, developing the story world, encouraging my writing partner to get into art, aggressively shaking all my friends to art with me

Got Lin to be obsessed with art with me as well

Kept up a 230 day duolingo streak juggling like 6 or 7 different languages (the last like 120~ days or so have been a lot more 'just keeping it up' and me just doing one lesson of Japanese a day since its the one I know the best but it HAS been kept up)

Transitioning:

Started T and stayed taking T

Got a hysterectomy GOOD BYE PCOS

Am charted for seeing a surgeon to discuss bottom surgery this month

Am charted for seeing consult for top surgery at Some Point when the insurance stuff goes through

Have long since forgone our Dead Name in almost every area and got comfortable with our Chosen Name

Considering participating in Transmasculine No Shave November out of Transpride

[beautifulterriblequeen]

TDP rewatch: autistic Soren?

I spent a lot of time going along with everyone else saying that Soren was a big dumbass. And for that, I would now like to apologize. I don’t think Soren’s dumb. I think he’s autistic. 

As an autistic person, I feel bad for not spotting this earlier. But, like Soren, I do have a tendency to believe what I’m told, especially when everyone is saying the same thing. And this may not be canon, ever, but that’s okay. I see Soren in a new light now, and I know that light. (Gods, S3 is really gonna wreck me now)

He doesn’t get sarcasm. He takes Rayla’s “obviously” sarcastic comment at face value. He’s also not good with metaphor, taking a long time to grasp “butter them up.” Once he’s figured out what he should do--lie about the king--he does a very bad job of it because the emotions he needs to embrace to sell the lie aren’t familiar to him.

He’s very good with rules. A father who needed a son who was rooted in the narrative of strength could easily have trained an autistic child to bind himself within those rules form a young age. It’ll be very hard for Soren to question rules that he consciously chose to follow himself.

He doesn’t understand the shifting of loyalties. First he’s a loyal Crownguard, and then he’s supposed to detain Callum because his dad asked him to? Soren’s genuinely confused.

He still chooses to protect Callum when the assassins attack, even shoving him to safety from Runaan’s arrow, because those old rules of loyalty to the royal family haven’t been shifted.

He’s also slow to react to the arrow striking him. He takes precious reaction time to study it closely. He’s probably never seen a Moonshadow assassin’s arrow before. It telescopes in three places. It’s green. It probably smells faintly of poison. Soren’s possibly also never been shot before. All these physical details are hitting him at once, all with equal force, and it takes him a moment to sort through them, process them, and remember that the arrow means the assassins have arrived.

He spends time and effort trying to speak others’ languages, but he doesn’t always get it right. He knows Claudia’s nose trick but he can’t perfectly replicate it. He misinterprets Rayla’s angry intent as personal interest. He really tries to connect with his dad by offering his “see-saw” comment (which is actually right on the money as far as the show’s themes are concerned). 

He’s oddly focused on the difference between a prince and a “step-prince.” Not in a mean way, though. He thinks it means he’s paying attention to small details, which people often like. Not particularly in this case, though.

He really does just want to fit in. He does whatever Viren says because he wants to be accepted, not just as Viren’s son but as a not-weird, not-useless person.

Claudia’s the one who makes the jokes. He happily lets her lead on the mission to Mount Kaelik and has no ego attached to being in charge of her.

He’s really awkward with his brotherly feels when he calls her “weep-ridden” and offers to help by punching Callum. Autistics can struggle with language, especially in unfamiliar emotional territory and under stress.

He hyperfocuses on being a Crownguard, though, which is why he’s so good at it, and why he’s in charge. He does nothing but train. He loves being a Crownguard. He knows that role inside and out. He knows when to order men into position, and he knows when to shut up and hand the king his sword.

He insists that sweeping the leg is not a thing, though, because it’s outside his training. None of the Crownguard instructors taught him that, and so it is outside the rules. 

When he votes that Corvus is a traitor and gets Claudia to vote with him, he’s reinforcing the rules that he learned. The black-and-white shield on his armor isn’t just an indicator that he’s straddling the line between good and evil and will one day have to make a choice. It’s showing the way Soren sees the world: everything is either inside the rules, or outside them. Soren doesn’t see gray areas. But he might learn to very soon.

He’s cheerily cold-blooded about lopping Runaan’s head off and trying to kill Rayla because empathy is a strange animal for autistic folks. Sometimes it’s really high, and sometimes it’s nonexistent, even within the same person. Between a low empathy for elves and his Crownguard training, Soren legitimately doesn’t see any problem with killing them, even at the age of 18.

He knows the rules on how to deal with dragons: you fight them. And he gets a whole town torched. He was entirely unprepared. But his ego wasn’t in this fight. He freed Corvus because he understands that a Crownguard’s job is to protect Katolis, and that includes the townsfolk. And he admitted his mistake to Claudia because filters are hard under stress, and the truth just pops out like that.

When he’s paralyzed, Soren has no ego attached to remaining a Crownguard, either. His hyperfocus has broken. He was growing increasingly stressed by his dad’s secret mission. And he immediately seeks a new hyperfocus: poetry. He gives it a shot, and he’s terrible at it. He hasn’t actually internalized any poetry rules yet. He’d become a good poet pretty quickly, if he had the chance. But Claudia came to heal him instead.

As S2 ends and the siblings head home together, Soren has no plan anymore. He has no rules for what’s gonna happen, and he can’t anticipate Viren’s reaction but he expects it’ll be bad. He asks Claudia for help in understanding what his parameters should be, because that’s a long trip home, and that’s a lot of time spent worrying over scenarios that he has to consider because he can’t narrow it down--every possibility is a legitimate possibility to him.

[unfinished tdp meta]

[herofied04]

Social Identity

Autistic and Queer in Black spaces

masking my autism, and struggling with relationships Being close with your group of people is vitally important to one's survival. And throughout American history, community and family have been deeply important. Black families were separated in slavery, taken apart by slave-owners. And in the time since, there has been placed a great emphasis on sticking together with one's family. *Blood is thicker than water*. Family extends to one's friends, or really, whoever is close in the time of struggle that is being a Black person in America. But when you're autistic... it's hard to recognize this. It is hard to understand social relationships, it is hard to know why you receive consequences for doing things 'wrong' when you don't know you were. It is hard to continually mask to participate in family gatherings and it is hard to ask for help when you need it. It is hard to explain yourself. It is hard to know why you were brought into this world of suffering - why did your parents make that decision, logically? What is the point of this all? Because I didn't feel close to anyone in these family gatherings. I was always by myself, standing off to the side, trying not to explode from the sensory overload. I was *forced* to go to these events and not even told why. Why? Additionally, I faced bullying from other Black people. Bullying about my mannerisms, my social naivety, my evident frustration and anger - it was humorous. And it drove me away from other people even further. How am I supposed to feel connected with people who look like me if I am just going to be bullied, misgendered, and misunderstood?

struggling to participate in conversations about straight or male/female stuff I am taking a Women of Color in the US class right now. It is wonderful, I am learning a lot of things that I would not have known otherwise. I am learning about the intersectionality of race and gender and how that increases one's oppression, both in the past and present. Black women face sexism and racism at the same time. I am not a Black woman - I am a Black agender intersex... thing. And so I am misgendered all the time, called 'girl' and 'her/she' in one place and 'man' and 'he/him' in another. Neither of these things describe how I see myself. Actually, I am slightly benefitted here by the masculinization of Black women, putting me in the perfect zone of androgyny. Nonetheless, I can't exactly participate in these kinds of discussions, most especially because I have little understanding of the social constructs of manhood and womanhood. There isn't a western, patriarchal framework of nonbinary gender, and so i'm really in the void here.

Black and Autistic in queer spaces

guilt for not participating in activism I could say this is true for being Black as well, but not being able to participate in activism because of its unpredictability and ability to overwhelm the senses... I would like to, but I would not be able to add any meaningful input because my brain would be short circuiting. I think I would have a meltdown.

again, struggles with bonding and conversation Pretty self-explanatory. It's hard to talk about queer issues if its hard to talk in general.

talking about queer issues but not Black queer issues Much of the discussion of queer history does not talk about Black people's roles in that history, despite being such a large aspect. I cannot be the voice for all things though; I am already so exhausted. There isn't any discussion of how being trans or queer could amplify the racism or hatred one faces, because most of the spaces I have seen have been focused on 'queers' in general.

Black and Queer in neurodivergent spaces

Neurodivergent spaces few and far between, but discussions about unmasking cannot participate because Black Besides the ones online, there is only one space I know of at my school, and not many people go there. I have been there for as long as that space has been around actually, and there usually aren't a lot of people there. Regardless, the issues I would like to talk about there are far away from what everyone else talks about. I face racism on top of being autistic, and there isn't really a space or group for that dialogue there. It is very hard to unmask because unmasking means weird looks, bullying, or even assumptions of aggression by other people; at least this is what I have learned in my life. It is not safe to unmask, and masking will be expected of me. I will always have to fight for myself, which means speech, which is a thing my brain naturally does not want to do. Exhausting.

more queer people here, but still, male/female divide Much discussion about autism, when I've looked into it, was about how females are late-diagnosed and how masking looks different for them. While I was raised female, I sort of started to drift away from that by middle school. I can't identify myself in these Autistic Female spaces and discussions, also because they tend to be white. Apparently, it is difficult to look past the binary...

All aspects of my identity are vitally important and need to be talked about, but there exists no framework for my experience. These are just some of the reasons I advocate for a intersectional framework, an intersectional way of thinking about social labels, and also a recognition that social labels are just that - labels. And because they are labels, they are able to change.

[tuesdayinthedas]

1, 10, 15, 16 Question answer thingity bobbity

Ask meme

You picked some hard hitters!! Oof! I’ll try my best some of these answers maybe whishy washy lmao

1. What are three things that shaped you into who you are?

Not to be cliche (can you be with this?) but childhood trauma and neglect ™️ lmao. Its made me an independent and strong/stubborn person.

Animals. My connection to them and their unconditional love and understanding, as an autistic child I had very few friends but always managed to make meaningful connections with animals. They are the reason I do the work that I do today and I am forever grateful for that.

I think im still to early in my life to have a third thing?

But otherwise I dunno maybe going to Uni and upturning my life as a result. I moved to a new state away from everything I ever knew and experienced so many amazing things. It was simultaneously the best and worst period of my life haha. I would never change it for the world.

Or the rise of internet and fandom and learning about queerness and finally being able to put a name to all the things I had ever experienced (learning about other gender identities like nonbinary and gender queer was so liberating)

10. Would you say you are an emotional person?

Yes I am but it’s all over the place. I personally have a hard time processing my own emotions and experiencing them. I either just put up a wall, shutdown, go mute or I mostly project most emotions as anger as it comes as second nature.

However Im insanely empathetic and will easily project someone else’s emotions. This is why I think I like dark media, I’m really drawn to “dead dove”, hurt no comfort type movies and fiction, stuff that makes me hurt in my chest and cry cause it makes me feel something lmao.

15. What do you think of when you think the word home?

At this point in time? Its where ever my partner is, no one else knows me like he does. No one else provides me that comfort.

16. If you could change one thing about you what would it be?

Hmmmmmmm can I be naughty and say multiple lmao.

Ive always wanted a dick ngl haha. That or be better at talking to people. The autistic feeling of being unlikely and unable to connect with people and make friends its exhausting fr.

[talesofanaudhdnothing]

Introduction

Good morning, it’s 1pm.

I’m a vlogger at heart and hope to keep up with my channel but thought I would try another avenue of connecting? Anyways the point of that was to explain how I got so used to saying good morning to my camera that I would accidently do it at 4 or 5 pm on my way home from work in the video diaries I would make (not even to upload, I just like to talk but only to myself). Eventually I just started to do it on purpose and while i’m sure no one actually cares, I personally find it hilarious so I have claimed it as my thing.

I’m Bee and this is my blog! Could I tell you what I’ll be posting here? No. Basically, this is just a void for me to shout into just like my youtube channel. I like to think I can offer a pretty realistic and relatable perspective on life and that’s why I like to share. Because I like to consume content I can relate to, and I want to be that content for other people. I crave connection into the world I feel like an alien to. I have autism 🎉 !!! I’m not sure if it’s related but honestly, it checks. Before we go any further let me give you the alphabet soup recipe:

Level 1 ASD 

Combined ADHD

Generalized anxiety

depression

And probaby cptsd, arfid, dyscalclia ????

Aaaand as of now that’s it but give me another month or so of introspection and observation and i’ll get back to you. It’s weird taking a piece of yourself and focusing so hard to figure out what it is like that. Things I thought were just normal, aren’t. Everyone isn’t having the same thoughts and feelings and emotions as I am. Everyone is not having as tough of a time as me. I’m also hyper-independent… for some reason so that doesn’t really help with ever asking for the support I need. Weird, right?

I was officially DX with audhd on april 4th, 2023 through some place online that I still kinda squint my eyes at. But I got my silly little paper that says i’m autistic so that’s really all I needed. And tbh I could have paid for and had the best ASD evaluator in the world and I’d still be like “ ok but like..are you positive bc?”. Not because I don’t want to be autistic, god no. I was RELIEVED to discover I might be autistic. And I totally respect everyones feelings and they are very valid but I never understood being upset. To me; If you are autistic, you’ve BEEN autistic. Having the words to it isn’t going to make it worse. It doesn’t give you autism to say you’re autistic. But what it does is validate that you aren’t crazy or weird or just an outsider. You aren’t alone and now you know how to help yourself. Why would I be upset to learn that the reason I get so irrationally angry and deeply terrified when someone revs their motor is because I’m autistic and I’m not just being dramatic???

Maybe I just guessed all the right answers. I don’t do XYZ or experience XYZ like other people who are autistic so maybe I’m really not and i’ just weird and destined to never fit anywhere. What if I’m just faking symptoms (not for attention because I keep it private because I’m embarrassed). 

But I know it has to be true, deep down and it always has been and always will be. And I just want to share my experiences and my knowledge. I want to help other audhd people like me. So I want to start this blog to talk about myself; Share my experiences, pass along my knowledge, and share the good and the bad. I want people to better understand us because I know I feel chronically misunderstood. And I just wanna have fun man. I have a lot to say when it’s on my terms and I want to say it!

[caffedrine]

I have so much to say after reading Chevalier sequel spoilers I basically somehow knew that his childhood would be like that we only got a glimpse of it on the mains story but wow seeing how his mother really called him monster and he was just there hoping for one day for his mother to react differently and love him. It does not matter that on the outside he didn’t show any emotion at that point I’m willing to bet he had disassociation and ptsd the first when he says on his main toure how he disconnected from his heart is a sign of that. The later the hyper vigilance hear me out people that have gone through abuse and trauma learn how to perceive what other would do through body language it would explain so much how chevalier is able to know what people will act or thung and say. He could be smart but nothing can convince me that trauma also enhanced this. He also has issue with catching up with his real desires emma know more about his real feeling that sometimes chevaliers know himself he really has a hard time connecting with his inner self. Sorry for the long ass Ted talk but I just needed to analyze this.

That is an interesting theory - but I wonder how much of his personality formed before or after his mother became mentally ill in his past.

From what he said, it sounds like his mother lost it right around when he killed an assassin (I forget his age, 6? 10?). And, without blaming him for causing her mental disorder, part of her focus is how abnormal of a child he was.

I'm personally side-eyeing the Ikepri writers for that bit with his mother - like they're trying to rewrite his character history to explain why he is the way he is. I think he works fine the way he is - working hard to be a part of society and family - without trying to one-up his tragic backstory.

I personally subscribe to the school of thought that he has a form of savant syndrome, with autistic complications.

[drdemonprince]

Hi - I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to cultivate community, and would love any advice!

I currently have two friends (one long distance, one who lives nearby) and live with my spouse. All of these people are also socially isolated. I spend most of my day alone in my home; I don't work because my spouse's income can support us both; I don't go out because my spouse is immunocompromised so we generally avoid being around other people; and I don't engage in online spaces very much (mostly following a few authors whose books I like or watching youtube videos about special interests). I'm autistic, adhd, and struggle with ocd, which are all things I learned about in the past two years.

I've tried to become more engaged in hobby-focused online spaces, but have found that I am not great at reading the social rules or am somehow behaving in an inappropriate way due to misunderstanding the way people were communicating. This happens both online and in-person. Over time, I've tried to become more observant, but this has led to a sort of social inertia as observer rather than participant, which excludes me from the connection-making experience so many people seem to have.

Based on some of what you have written, it seems like you put a lot of importance in community building and the work of cultivating friendships. I've seen you suggest seeking out identity-based groups (like autistic support groups or enby support groups) or seeking out hobby-based groups (like going to cons), and these are all things I've tried before but always felt unable to be a part of - like I have an invisible bubble around me that blocks me from really connecting.

I feel really frustrated and a little ashamed about all this. Like I should be trying harder or doing more in order to become more involved with the world around me. I guess, how do I do the work of cultivating community when it feels like most communities won't have me as I am? (not to say that I'm a perfect unchangeable person, but that in some core way I'm rejectable?)

I don't think you need to try "harder," just that you need to keep trying. There are a lot situational reasons why you are so isolated that it sounds like you're very well aware of, so try to keep those factors in mind to check your own feelings of brokenness/rejectability/underservingness when they occur.

You don't leave the house much. You don't participate actively in most online spaces. You don't have many opportunities for organically meeting people. No wonder you have so few connections in your life *and* feel so self-conscious and awkward when you do make an attempt. Anybody would in your situation. You need like hundreds more hours of attempts, potentially, for it to start to feel more natural and less panic inducing. That's a big part of why the first tip in my advice column on the subject is to know that this process takes years, it did for me, and to not take that as a reflection of who you are as a person.

The research on how people form friendships says time and time again that we build relationships by being in proximity to people numerous times and with consistency. That's it, and that's all. There is no magic juice or essential quality that you lack. Among neurotypicals, research shows people are more likely to be friends with people who have last names that are closer to their own in the alphabet, because those people are/were more likely to sit next to one another in class as kids. That's really how arbitrary this shit is.

We befriend the people who are around us a lot, who we interact with a lot. And so, you'll just need to be around the same people a lot (does not have to mean literally physically around, it could be in the same zoom room or discord call), and interact with them a lot. It sounds like a lot of the online spaces you've attempted to be a part of so far are not quite social enough -- I would say do not consider social media to be socializing, it's more like social snacking (tho there are some exceptions).

instead try to identify some online events or groups with meetings / synchronous forms of communicating. Watch parties, online game playing sessions, online writing groups, support groups, meetings, etc -- ones where you have interactions with a handful of the same people, where they get to know your name/handle and become familiar with you and interact with you multiple times.

You can also try asynchronous forms of communication, but they have to again be really specific and personal. Things like exchanging letters or having a pen pal or playing correspondence chess with someone -- not posting on say instagram or reddit or whatever. It has to be a form of interaction where you get to know a specific person, and they get to know you, and you navigate some of those interpersonal conflicts and insecurities that you're talking about.

Maybe you are rubbing people the wrong way sometimes, that's okay, being annoying is not a crime. don't give up. Maybe they are just dropping off the map on you sometimes for their own reasons or not being super enthusiastic and you are reading that in a negative light when it is in fact a neutral cue. Keep at it. That's really the only way to get better at it, i'm afraid.

[the-cosmos-withinus]

Shadow Puppets AU - Wittebros + Evelyn Lore Dump 

tw: Sexual assault

Disclaimer from myself and Bragi

-While the story went that Caleb and Philip arrived in Gravesfield alone as orphaned brothers, the truth was actually even more horrible. Philip is not Caleb’s brother, and is actually is nephew through a teenage sister, the product of a rape and since she could not name the father the baby was condemned as a son of the Devil -Caleb and his sister managed to escape their hometown with a small group undesirables and traveled together for a couple of years with Caleb becoming Philip’s primary caregiver when his mother wanted nothing to do with the child and eventually abandoned them all together. -This is a truth that Caleb took to his grave, Philip never learned of this while he was alive and only kind of learned about this upon his return to Gravesfield and encountered a certain member of the community that claimed to be a descendant of this long lost sister- Philip refuses to believe it. In fact by the time of his death, Caleb himself had actually forgotten they weren’t really brothers. -Philip was six when they arrived in Gravesfield, Caleb was twelve. They had nothing and were taken in by the town Preacher, Father Josiah and allowed to live in the church and attend the Sunday school where they were taught to read and write. -As much as a blessing as this at first seemed, Father Josiah was secretly molesting Philip behind closed doors. Caleb found out, but Josiah had also found out about Caleb’s sister and threatened to expose them to keep Caleb quiet while telling Philip “The Lord has big plans for you” to control him. -This situation did not change until Philip met Astrophel at eight years old and he was able to manifest long enough to attack Josiah to protect Philip. Amidst the accusations that Philip had summoned a demon and the debate that he was protected by an Angel, other children came forward to admit that Josiah had been assaulting them as well, leading the town to suspect Josiah of being corrupted by a Demon himself and burned at the stake. -While not entirely evident in the early part of his life, Philip is an autistic savant with a talent for engineering, and struggles to socially connect with anyone outside of his brother and his mysterious friend Astrophel. He was a hard worker though, and when he finished his chores he would help Caleb with his so they had more time to play. -Caleb also knows about Astrophel. They didn’t know that people could only see the Collector if they touched the disk until they tested it with Caleb. He wasn’t as certain as Philip that Astrophel was an Angel, but he was just glad his brother had a friend. -The brothers began dabbling in Witch Hunting after the death of Father Josiah, and Caleb first met Evelyn as she was using her powers as a real witch to save accused human witches from being hung. Caleb at first lied to her about not being a witch hunter and they became friends. -Evelyn had several vials of Titan’s blood at her disposal which she used to create portals to Gravesfield, but rarely met Caleb in person after their initial meeting and mostly used her Palismen, Flapjack to send letters between them. -She had only met Philip a handful of times and never actually saw his face because Philip always had his mask on around her, which she admitted to Caleb, creeped her out a lot. -Philip never suspected that she was a real witch until he saw her taking Caleb to the Demon Realm, he just didn’t like her because she...lightly bullied him, I guess is the best way to put it? Like, she didn’t intend to be mean, she was trying to be affectionate, giving him the nickname ‘Philly’ which he hated, ruffling his hair and breaching all sorts of personal boundaries that he didn’t like, but she really was just trying to bond with him. -Also during one of their in person visits, Evelyn suggested Caleb run away from Gravesfield with her, which Caleb refused to do because he couldn’t leave his brother behind, and Evelyn said something along the lines of ‘C’mon, you gave up your childhood to raise your brother, its time to do something for yourself for a change.” Philip heard her say this. Thankfully he also heard Caleb get mad at her for suggesting that taking care of his brother was a burden. -Caleb and Evelyn had a couple of personal conflicts throughout their friendship, actually, including Evelyn finding out that Caleb was a witch-hunter in training and saying their friendship was over  -Eveyln had heard about Astrophel from Caleb and recognized the disk from ancient scrolls and returned to the Demon Realm to refresh her memory on what it was. After their fight about the Witch-Hunter reveal, she returned with a warning that the Collector is a dangerous being that was responsible for wiping out the Titans of her homeworld and convinced Caleb to take the disk into the Demon Realm with her for his brother’s sake. -Knowing that Philip would never believe that Astrophel was dangerous, they stole the disk in the middle of the night. Evelyn only had two vials of Titan’s blood left and they had to make a choice between taking Caleb with her and bringing him back or leaving a vial for Philip to find and meet them in the Demon Realm later. -Caleb left a letter explaining the situation to Philip, including instructions to find a map that they had hidden in ‘the secret place’ (under the floorboards) which would lead him to the vial of Titan’s Blood to follow them. -Things would have gone down much differently if Philip had ever gotten this letter. Unfortunately, he woke up when Caleb was leaving to meet Evelyn and saw them go through the portal with no context. He immediately went to get the Witch Hunter General and a few other Hunters to go on a rescue mission.  -The letter was recovered from the abandoned Wittebane home after their disappearance which is how the story of the Wittebanes got passed down through Gravesfield, but the map was never found. -Philip was twelve at the time of his brother’s disappearance, Caleb was eighteen. The Witch Hunters all slowly died during the rescue mission leaving Philip on his own by the time he was fifteen after which the worst possible thing that could happen to him happened and he still didn’t find his brother until he was in his early twenties and then it got worse. -After Caleb’s death, Philip began searching for Astrophel with Evelyn creating false disks to throw him off and hot on his trail trying to kill the monster he’s become for many years.

[thepinkhippoinhungryhungryhippos]

i will now ask 👁️👁️ for the bp LIs with an mc who has apd (auditory processing disorder).

i'll give details but im not sure if i can grasp it fully. basically apd is when you have difficulty processing audio (ex. someone is talking to you but the words are like static or smth) but its not being deaf you just have difficulty with it.

ty!! <333

thank you for the request!! this is my first time writing headcanons and for a reader who isn't just me projecting so,, take that as you will. it was fun to do and i tried to do some research on apd so hopefully i got it right? lmk :)

no warnings! have fun

nakedtoaster

they really honestly truly give me the autistic vibe

definitely has some audio issues themselves

specifically misophonia (because i am projecting and i love him)

so they understand your struggles to some degree

always willing to repeat words for you if you ask

and other people's words! doesn't seem super patient as a person but i think he wouldn't mind repeating the phrases if it was for you <3

they are a subtitle fan and love that you use them as well

once again it's the shared neurodivergency

xyx

(i headcanon that) he knows a few languages, including asl 

would gladly use it around you if you'd like

definitely takes the opportunity to take things back if you didn't hear something he is embarrassed about though

like in the game yk? (the falling in love when he didn't mean to twice line)

but usually shamelessly repeats his words at the first sign of confusion, even if they are thoroughly unfunny

nightowl

the type to do a ton of research once he learns you have apd

a bit of a try hard but at least he is trying at all?

doesn't immediately notice that you didn't hear him if you don't say something

but once he does know he is eager to accommodate :)

WILL fight anyone who is a jerk about repeating themselves i am not joking

gets calmer about it as time goes on give him a minute he will chill out on the anger and pride dw

after you guys confess your love he'll repeat it as many times as you need <3

even if you don't need it repeated he continues bc he can't stop saying how much he loves you

quest

the most calm about it (probably has had some type of connection to someone who had some form of an audio processing disorder/hearing disability before)

subtle when checking if you want something repeated

another avid subtitle user and enjoyer

knew some basic asl but tries to learn more if you know it

puts in the effort to support you :)

even when you're having A Day™ he is gentle

i love this man <3

[deafaq]

Hello!!! Thanks for this blog, I think it’s really cool!! I’m hearing and learning asl currently, and one of the things I’ve gotten kinda hung up on is facial expression being part of grammar and the need for eye contact. I’m autistic, and understanding/making facial expressions can be pretty hard for me. It may just be something I need to practice, but I was wondering if you have any tips on navigating this? Thanks!!!

Hello,

thanks, I am glad you are enjoying it!

Yeah, I have gotten several similar asks from autistic people in the past. Its a common hurdle!

So, my tips:

Eye contact - eye contact is often stressed as important, but when actual research was done into where people look during signining, its not actually directly into the eyes. Its more like, the general part of the face around the eyes and the mouth. (the research assumed people look at the hands, so at chest level, but nope). So if you struggle with direct eye contact, my tip is to look at the general area instead. For example, focus on eyebrow or on the lips of the person.

Facial expressions - unlike emotional ones, the ones in ASL and other sign languages are grammatical and have specific rules about their usage, which might help with learn.

Generally (western sign languages) -

For questions, the questions ending with "who/what/where/how/why/etc" are generally said with the frown at the end - both the eyebrows go lower and try to "connect". For yes/no questions, the eyebrows go up.

Negative verbs are almost always accompanied by frown and sometimes with a shaking head in a "no" gesture. Example: "to not understand" - you can check it out in dictionary https://www.spreadthesign.com/ and compare various sign languages.

Picture here - first is who questions, second is yes/no question, third is negative.

Those are the 3 most important I would say.

I recommend practicing in front of the mirror!

Hope this helped,

Mod T

[asexual-society]

CW: mental health, maybe?

So I'm a little confused if these labels contradict each other... Is it possible to be demisexual but also experience hypersexuality/hyperromantic attraction and a strong sex drive once you feel that emotional connection has been made? I don't make friends that easily, and don't really enjoy the idea of casual hookups/short term relationships/one night stands, but I also tend to fall for people I consider true friends quite quickly. Additionally, I have difficulty determining if my attractions are platonic or romantic and more often than not, whenever I start getting close enough to a new trusted friend I begin to develop a sudden intense, romantic infatuation for them that may or may not involve fantasizing about them in a sensually intimate and sometimes sexual way. Would this be classified as Demisexual Hyperromantic? Some kind of Demi-flux or Grey-flux orientation? Is this just a form of neurodivergence (diagnosed autism/ADHD, seeking possible BPD diagnosis) overlapping with demisexuality? Any insight at all would be appreciated.

Hey anon! Yeah, I think it's totally normal for a demisexual person (or any acepec person!) to have a strong sex drive, regardless of whether or not they're in a relationship or even experiencing sexual or romantic attraction. Being hypersexual has nothing to do with orientation, and while some asexual people can find any amount of libido/sex drive they feel to be distressing, this isn't a universal experience (meanwhile, hypersexuality is typically distressing by definition, and may be linked to your neurodivergence (or may not)). I'd actually never heard of 'hypperromantic' as a descriptor before looking it up just now, you learn something new every day. As far as I can gather it's not a recognised medical term like hypersexuality is, although I won't go into my thoughts on it either as a counterpoint to hypersexuality or its common usage here.

As an autistic person you might form close relationships differently to an allistic person, and how you feel within those relationships might also be different, so two things can be true, just like you might find it hard to differentiate between different forms of attraction because of your neurodivergence, or it might be unrelated. Many autistic people feel like their asexuality or aromanticism is closely tied to their autism and many do not (as someone who may be autistic, I personally feel like my asexuality and aromanticism are closely tied to how other autistic people perceive me as autistic, but I've been IDing as aro and ace way longer than I've even considered being autistic so I don't see them as connected at all. A psychologist may disagree, but it's not up to them what or how you feel).

It's fine to have thoughts of an intimate/romantic/sensual/sexual nature like that about people you're close to, regardless of how you actively and consciously feel about them because brains love to test things out like that. To put it simply, if you find you really want to act on those thoughts then that's a good sign it's attraction you're feeling, but if you don't or you think you would but not so much that you're drawn to do it, then it might not be. I sometimes think about kissing my friends, and there are some of my friends I would kiss, for example, but I wouldn't go out of my way to try it, I'm mostly just touch starved.

For demisexual people there's no rule to say how often you feel the strong bond you need for the possibility for sexual attraction to happen, it might be very rare that you feel a strong bond and even rarer to experience attraction following it, or it might happen a lot. If you feel like your demisexuality fluctuates over time and sometimes you feel more ace or allo and at other times you feel more demi, then you could be demiflux if that's a label that feels helpful to you, but if not, you don't have to use it.

Hope this helps anon!

~ mod key