#between cats who need to leave and never come back - and that' a grieving process all in it's own

[the-cat-at-the-theatre-door]

Thinking about Deuteronomy again, being that first point of contact for most cats in being welcomed into their family, newborns and new additions alike, but I'm thinking specifically about cats who were perhaps born into their group, left, and *then* came back, and how those are usually situations where Deuteronomy can sort of...tell if they'll be back when they do leave. He can't say anything about it, but he knows. Cats who know him very well can almost catch the expression that indicates one way or the other when he's informed of their leaving if he believes they'll be back. And - outside of the occasional anomaly - he's usually right about it.

He remembers, distantly, holding a little grey queenkit in his arms during one of his visits years and years ago, fresh faced and lovely, thinking: "This one will do big things" - not great things, not even potentially successful things, but big things nonetheless. He remembers a whisper of her little voice filled with confidence fading suddenly into silence; remembers thinking he hoped she would eventually find whatever it was she couldn't here, that she would find her way back when it was time, carefully avoiding the even stare of her mother as he passed her back.

And when he holds that little grey queen in his arms decades later, just when he thought he'd been wrong, only a little bigger, the sharp curves of her bones jutting from her fur, face so much older now, he sees that little one again, and smiles. Murmurs: "Welcome home", before he passes her onto the stars, hoping she finds her way back again to make up for lost time.

[allhailthecoffeegods]

A lonely kitty in Gotham

Chapter 1

Tired... Marinette was extremely tired. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sleep but instead she sat staring at the wall of her office in her small apartment she had bought and was now living in because her parents kicked her out.

Why was she staring at the wall you may ask? Short answer, she had finally done it! She had finally tracked down Hawkmoth and Mayura after 3 years of fighting she now knew both of their identities (Gabriel Agreste and Natalie Sancoeur) and not only that but she had an entire file filled with proof. Now all that was left was to take back their miraculous and hand them over to the police (not before cursing them first... obviously).

Unfortunately it’s not going to be as easy as it sounds. You see Marinette or Nettie which she goes by now was alone, completely and utterly alone.

No Parents, no family and no friends.

Three years ago Nettie had all of the above she was happy, she had a best friend Alya and a group of many friends from her class, she had two loving but slightly distant parents who ran the most popular bakery in all of Paris possibly even France and her amazing grandmother Gina who traveled the world and told her all about the crazy things she did (some of which she promised not to tell her parents about because it may have been considered breaking the law but nothing reallllly bad).

But all of that soon changed over the first year Hawkmoth terrorised Paris with his akuma and was later joined by mayura with her sentimonsters. Slowly she lost everything including her partner in fighting crime Mr.Bug holder of the ladybug miraculous.

Nettie is in procession of not only the black cat miraculous but also forcefully became the last remaining guardian of 18 other mini gods that are bound to jewels (excluding the butterfly and peacock (not that she would ever give them up because they are basically her family now and she will do absolutely everything to protect them)). How?

Running late to class 3 years ago she saved a (very) old man (186 years old to be specific) from being hit by a car, and for some reason that was enough for him to “gift” her the black cat miraculous as he saw her true chaotic soul and aura (it didn’t matter that she was only 13 YEARS OLD!) he thought it was a brilliant idea to turn her into a child soldier fighting a war against two supervillains more than double her age.

After and introduction to the one and only God of Destruction, who by the way is OBSESSED with the stinkiest of cheeses, she became one of Paris’ main superheroes Kitty Noir alongside her partner Mr.Bug who she guessed to be around the same age as her at the time. It was easy to deduct that he was going to be more of a problem instead of a partner due to his obsessive and intense flirting and lack of skills other than some possible fencing training, all in all he didn’t have a clue how to fight. He was also apparently extremely reckless... like more reckless than her pouring 2 energy drinks into coffee before downing it and has died so many times in a fight she now also has a close relationship with tiki the God of Creation having had to end the fight herself (honestly why did the old guy pick him because it seems like he didn’t even do a similar ‘oh help save me’ situation like he had with her otherwise the old guy would already be dead!) Even though she wasn’t that much better to begin with she did have some hand to hand combat training curtesy of Gina and her ‘friends’ (let’s talk about those later). And she was now training in martial arts and going to the gym to build more muscle and become better without the enhanced supersuit just incase (she also sticks a domino mask on before transforming because she’s paranoid okay and if she is ever forced to detransform she doesn’t want anyone knowing her identity right of the bat to use against her, okay!)

Alongside that she was also extremely smart (like genius level) great with technology and quick to come up with some absolutely insane but brilliant plans. This all resulted in her taking on more of a leadership roll whilst fighting akumas. Mr.Bug only got worse as time went on and her civilian life went downhill, it took 8 months for the old man (previous guardian of the miraculous and temporary mentor for 2 of the months) to become compromised and pass the roll onto her. And the first thing she did was take the ladybug miraculous back and erase the holders (Adrien Agreste her former friend) memories of being Mr.Bug.

The only problem with that was the battle Miracle queen where master fu (the old guardian man) was compromised, and so were all 8 of her temporary heroes except Viperion, holder of the snake miraculous, who had started to tour around the world with his farther Jagged Stone) this ment there were two consequences of taking The ladybug back, the first being she was now alone against two superpowered terrorists but also that she had to switch transformations at the end of a battle to be able to purify the Akuma and cast the miraculous cure to fix everything and yes that did include... resurrection of people who died in the cross fire.

Anyways, back to how Nettie is alone. Only a few weeks after the first attack, an exchange student transferred to the the newly dumbed Akuma class *sigh*. At first she seemed nice and had and was telling the class of her interesting life, her mother was a Italian diplomat and she’s traveled the world.

But Nettie had a bad gut feeling about Lila Rossi which unfortunately was correct. On her third day in the class she started gushing over how kitty noir aka Nettie dearest (obviously unknown to everyone else) saved her from and Akuma attack and they became “best friends”, to say Nettie was left speechless and confused at the lie is an understatement.

Regrettably Nettie was unable to prove her story was a lie because how would she know said superhero didn’t save her without revealing her secret identity.

But the girl carried on creating more and more outlandish claims, such as how she saved Jagged Stones cat on a jet runway (like come on seriously what airport would allow a CHILD of even a cat to run out onto the tarmac). But pointing this out was apparently a mistake which Nettie soon discovered in the girls bathroom after class. Lila sauntered in with a sickly sweet smile that was soon dropped when Nettie refused to give into this girls bullshit.

Hence she was pinned against the wall and threatened, that if she didn’t go along with lie-la’s lies she would lose everything she loved before leaving so she wasn’t caught. Not believing her Nettie continued to point out inconsistencies and facts that contradict her story’s but no matter how much proof was presented to the class lie-la was able to turn it around (meta theory coming into her head: maybe she wasn’t affected because of the miraculous magic) and plant the idea that Nettie was a bully into all her friends heads which apparently all share one brain cell ( or so she thought until Adrien confirmed he knew they were lies to but he was taking the ‘high road’ because nobody was getting hurt, it’s definitely not like lilas ruining all there future careers by promising favours and opportunity’s that will never come and convincing them they no longer need to put in any effort for their futures *insert eye-roll* ).

So life continued and her friends started to turn on little Nettie the scattered brained, clumsy girl who bent over backwards to protect and make sure they were all happy. It hurt more than words could describe the day Alya her BEST FRIEND led the class to turn their backs on her and declare they no longer want to be friends with a jealous bully anymore.

Luckily Nettie wasn’t akumatised but she came very close to it. The only things keeping her going were her duty to Paris and her family.

But as a consequence to that good luck, bad luck hit like a truck. She didn’t know for a few weeks until a guy named Jason called her parents to inform them that her favourite person in the whole world her amazing grandmother Gina had passed away in a accident somewhere in the United States. And if that wasn’t bad enough Lila also managed to place a seed of doubt in her parents around the same time. Life fucking sucked. She wasn’t able to process and grieve due to Hawkfuck still being around so instead she threw herself into creating her own business (NeTi Designs) doing commissions, did I mention she’s a talented fashion designer... no, well now you know. As well as diving head first into a very thorough investigation on mothfucker in between fighting Akuma, helping in the bakery, plus training and patrolling the city of lights for two hours each night.

Atleast she didn’t have to make excuses to not hang out with her ex-friends anymore heh heh *cough*.

Eventually this resulted in her parents questioning her on her disappearances from her room after randomly checking in one night while she was out patrolling and the conversation sort of went like this.

“Marinette, where have you been?! I just checked your balcony and you weren’t up their. It’s 2am” Sabine exclaimed when she dropped back onto her bed moments after detransforming. “Mamma I swear I was up there and I fell asleep in the corner near my pillows behind the deck chair. I just woke up from the cold and I thought I herd movement and panicked because ‘oh my gosh!’ Is it an Akuma but it wasn’t it was you mamma” Nettie responded with dramatic waving of her hands and a fake smile.

Sabine was NOT impressed and most certainly knew it was a lie but it was 2am and she couldn’t deal with this right now so she glared at her daughter whilst leaving her room through the trapdoor.

This continued for two weeks with both her parents randomly checking in. Nettie had to eventually relocate her research into a small apartment a few streets away from the library (which she paid for with commission money that nobody but her knew about especially since her business was doing well and she didn’t put it past her class to try and destroy that if they ever found out) and say she was studying to not be caught doing deep background checks on all her suspects, making files for every Akuma and tracking the butterfly’s on a app she created that has multiple resources available to the public ranging from an alert for attacks that can be activated all the way to videos she made in her hero persona showing things such as meditation or basic self defence that should only be used if they’re unable to get to a safe area away from the Akuma or to buy time to then get away depending on the powers of said Akuma. (Could also be useful in regular crimes like attempts at mugging)

This lead to longer disappearances to the point all her stuff that had any value to her or was related to business and miraculous matters (so basically everything) she was practically living there already. Not that she realised since she got maybe 5-6 hours of sleep and week? She was so enclosed in her little world when her parents decided they had enough (after multiple accusations of her sleeping around with older men and doing drugs (all tests came back negative because her choice of drug was caffeine) which where definitely lilas doing) her parents yelled at her to get out and never come back... so she did the only thing she had to grab where her pillows and fairy lights and she was out of the door, the situation was dubbed a future Nettie problem because ya know suppressing your emotions so the world doesn’t end.

(Authors note: I have plans on making this a series. Hope you guys like it 🙃)

[dehydratedpercy]

No Preserve or Raze chapter tomorrow, so instead here's a different fic I plotted out the entirety of (over text). Enjoy!

Question: What would a Luke/Jason Soulmate AU look like?

Answer:

• Luke doesn't die. Something happens to him-- idk where he goes, but something happens and he's still alive, either on the run or in the mortal world under close watch or something like that

• And Jason is a praetor at camp jupiter

• Lmao Jason could be dating Reyna

• And they need to meet this prisoner for some reason and they go and do that and it's a huge mistake because as soon as they do, they know

• This would be a cool fic for big-boy world-building relating to soulmates

• Maybe there's stigma between having a demigod soulmate and a mortal soulmate

• how would people know that they're soulmates? It'd have to be something that they could tell at first glance. Maybe the words one: you have the first words your soulmate tells you tattooed on your body. On Jason's body is something snide, maybe "I don't care what you offer me, I'm not helping you" or something like that

• (Which, speaking of: why are they going to Luke for help? Maybe he has knowledge they need-- maybe something about the Underworld/tartarus, after having helped Kronos. Maybe some of the romans fell into tartarus and they need help communicating with/saving them. Or maybe they know they need a quest going in tartarus, and the only demigod who's ever gone down their and come back is Luke. I don't think he did in canon, but maybe in this fic he had to go to tartarus personally to get Kronos's coffin)

• Anyways, that's on Jason's body, and on Luke's body is just the word "no". So when they meet, Luke says "I don't care what you offer me, I not helping you" and as soon as he says that, Jason feels his soul mark (which he's had his entire life) burn and/or change colors. Also, he just recognizes those words, because he's been waiting all his life to hear it. (Reyna recognizes those words too-- she knows about Jason's soulmark). So Jason hears it (coming from the mouth of this filthy prisoner/traitor) and just goes "No" and turns around and leaves

• When he comes back, Luke is still there, but his expression has changed because he also knows that they're soulmates now

• Also, maybe demigod soulmate pairs are special because you can share powers?

• So maybe Jason starts to pick up on Luke's powers, like the ability to unlock any door and steal anything. And meanwhile, Luke is starting to pick up on Jason's powers... which include huge storms that could totally destroy the prison he's in

• Maybe Jason is planning on going on the mission to tartarus. And Luke is super against it, because a) tartarus is super bad and he doesn't want Jason hurt, b) when your soulmate feels pain you feel a lesser version of it (especially after you meet your soulmate, not really as much before), and c) if your soulmate dies, your body goes through a natural grieving process, which is debilitating for months

• So Jason is going to go on the quest to tartarus, and Luke really doesn't want him to.

• So finally, Luke manages to channel Jason's powers and he breaks himself out of the building. Then he sneaks into the principia at night and surprises Jason, maybe pinning him against the wall and putting a hand over his mouth

• And they get in a fight that basically boils down to Luke saying "you can't go to Tartarus" Jason going "Shut UP yes I can" and Luke kidnapping him

• He'd have to kidnap him in a very specific way, mind you, since escaping from bonds is 100000% a Hermes skill

• But he kidnaps him and they go on a road trip away from camp with Jason as his unwilling but mostly just irritated prisoner

• Also, maybe Luke learns Jason's powers a lot quicker than the other way around, because Luke's powers already revolve around "stealing", so it's natural for him to be good at "stealing" other people's powers

• Whereas it's harder for Jason to learn Luke's magic, even though it's debatably simpler

• And as they go on their road trip, different opportunities could come up where they could fall into tartarus, and there's a couple times where Luke has to bodily wrestle him away from throwing himself into the pit

• Throughout this trip, obviously, they get closer too

• Maybe Luke reveals that he always hoped Thalia would be his soulmate, and that she said "No" to him a lot too (in a not rapey way, just her rejecting him or his ideas a lot) and it always made his heart speed up and he always checked his soul mark but it never changed colors

• Also imagine them staying in a motel in a room with two beds. And Jason is like "I'll take this one" and Luke is like "we're soulmates, sweetheart. Why not share a bed? ;)" and Jason is like ugh we're not soulmates like _that_. Keep it in your pants.

• But of course, eventually they share a bed

• Maybe there's a lot of biological stuff that has to do with soulmarks that they fall victim to. Like, maybe originally the concept of "soulmates" was something that came to exist through natural processes, helping compatible partners connect with each other

• So maybe at first, there's only minor affects of having a soulmate, like the powers thing or whatever. But over time, your soul bond pushes you for more. In the ideal world, you'd have a couple weeks of courtship, then eventually start dating for real, then eventually start having sex and becoming completely codependent. And so the soul bond is trying to do that for Jason and luke... except obviously, it's not ideal for them

• So the longer they're together, the more they lust after each other, and the more physically uncomfortable it gets to be apart

• Until eventually they have to share the same bed just to try and snuff down the hormones

• "They were in Oklahoma when Jason finally gave in. Luke was in his bed already, flipping through the channels on the box TV, and didn't pay much attention as Jason padded through the room, pretending to pick up. Finally though, Jason couldn't help himself anymore, and slid into bed with Luke.

• Luke stopped changing the channels.

• Jason crawled under his arm, cuddling against his side, and even as his conscious mind objected loudly, his subscious mind seemed to exhale, quieting down for the time being. It felt impossible good, sinking against Luke's chest like this-- good enough that Jason could put away the part of his mind that objected, and just enjoy this while it lasted.

• "What are you doing?" Luke asked. He didn't cuddle Jason back necessarily, though he did shift slightly, getting more comfortable. And most importantly, he didn't shove Jason off the bed, which was always a good sign.

• "I can't _think_ with this soul bond going off in my ears all the time," Jason complained. He felt embarrassed for giving in, and in such a pitiful way, but he couldn't hold back any longer. "I figured, might as well give it what it wants."

• "And _this_... this is what it wants?"

• "It feels better like this," Jason said, then sighed. "We should probably start sharing a bed. Maybe even faked proximity will make the soul bond calm down."

• "This doesn't feel like faked proximity," Luke noted, and Jason elbowed him.

• "Stop talking. I'm trying to pretend you're not here."

• And eventually, Jason acknowledges that yeah, it's gonna be _hell_ to be away from Luke, especially in these first few months

• But he still has a mission, and he really needs to go. So finally, he manages to find another entrance to tartarus and manages to outsmart Luke and throw himself over

• Into the pit

• Idk what happens next

• But it probably involves Luke doing something significant to redeem himself, Jason getting out of tartarus (probably with Luke's help somehow), and them acknowledging that yeah, fine, maybe they like each other a little

• And they go back to new rome and Luke is allowed to be on house arrest, maybe, instead of a prisoner? And Jason keeps quiet, because he _knows_ Luke is going to have the ankle monitor bracelet off by the time he leaves the building, but that's not really his problem anymore

• They get a house, and a cat. They put the tracker on the cat. Everything is right with the world

[howlingday]

About Jaune ships...

I have opinions. You may not agree, but they are mine. They may change in time, but not now.

LANCASTER ( RUBY X JAUNE )

The old tried and true. I mean, what's not to like? Cute girl falls for first guy she meets at Beacon? Classic romance trope, and after reading how much Ruby loves romance stories (I consider certain parts in the manga canon), it makes sense. In fact, after Arkos sank (A moment of silence, please . . . Thank you), many moved to Lancaster, which isn't bad. Happens all the time in fandoms. Sad thing, though, is far I think she'll last. If we're talking Volume 5 or earlier, then maybe. However, I feel if Ruby were to have an endgame in romance, it would be RoseGarden (I have opinions on that as well, but today isn't the day to discuss that), mostly because Oscar bumped Jaune's role from male lead to male side. Not to mention that while Jaune is becoming a beast in his own right, Ruby is a different creature altogether and evolving her character more rapidly and chaotically than anyone else (Must be all that screentime).

TLDR: I want it to be canon, but I might just be hoping.

WHITE KNIGHT ( WEISS X JAUNE)

Doofus in tin foil meets princess who hates daddy (Am I in the romance section of the library? You know, the corner for adults only?) No, but I do like this ship. I'm always a sucker for the fantasy genre, and using a zero to hero male makes it relatable. I also kind of ship it because the same reason I ship NaruSaku in the Naruto fandom: he likes her and he's willing to go the distance. But enough about that; instead let's talk about canon. Will they hook up? It's a soft maybe for me, for two reasons. 1. Rosegarden is most likely to be endgame, and after Ruby and Pyrrha, I'd say Weiss is Jaune's next to be his love interest. 2. Weiss has warmed up to Jaune. Sure, not lover or crush level (Yet), but she's definitely changed her opinion on him. In Volume 1, Jaune was bugging her, like all the time, which I could see as him getting mixed signals on (Exhibit A: Tall, blonde, and scraggly). When Volume 5 came around, everyone jumped onboard because he saved her life (Don't lie, because I'll admit that I did it, too). Not the best reason, but still reason enough, I'd say. Then in Volume 7, she hangs out with him and Oscar to the movies (It was either that or awkward Bumbleby all night. I feel ya, sister). Nothing romantic happens, but it does show how much their relationship has developed. If Weiss is Jaune's endgame, then they have set the pieces up perfectly to do so.

TLDR: High likelihood to be canon and I'm a sucker for Knight/Princess ships.

KNIGHTSHADE ( BLAKE X JAUNE)

This is the part where I say definitely not. Not in a million years, but I'll explain why I like the ship, though. As for why it won't work, the answer is Bumbleby. They haven't kissed yet, but you know they're going to eventually (Because if they don't, the fans will attack like a swarm of hornets). But here's the question you might be asking now: why do I ship this? Well, it's part of the allure of "opposites attract" ('Cause I'm dressed like a cat!). Blake is an intelligent, outspoken, and agile ninja with a criminal history of terrorism who spends her free time reading novels. Jaune is a B at best on his tests, soft-hearted, and ground-based knight who's worst crime is fraud (Still a crime, but peanuts compared to literal terrorism) and spends his free time hanging out with his team. Day and night. But they also tried that with Sun for a season and a half and it didn't last (BECAUSE BEES).

TLDR: Not even a snowball's chance in the summer sun, but so much story potential if you do (Which I do)!

DRAGONSLAYER ( YANG X JAUNE )

This, I would say, is the opposite of Knightshade, where Jaune is the day and Blake is night, here Yang is the Sun and Jaune is the Moon (Like their crests! Remember those? Y'know, when they were relevant?) Will it work? Even less so than Knightshade. However, it does open up some interesting paths considering how... provocative Yang can be, and Jaune, compared to the other guys, is the nerdiest, geekiest dude at Beacon. It's like the cheerleader/nerd romance, except the cheerleader is the captain of every sports team... and rides a motorcycle. The Volume 8 preview introduced us to Yang and Jaune riding motorcycles and we went nuts over it. Yang was back in her element, roaring down the street, riding on walls, popping off tricks with Oscar riding- Back to what I was saying, people were asking, "How did he know how to ride a motorcycle?" and the elementary answer is "He didn't." He almost fell off his bike from a small box in the road. True, anyone would, but look at how he reacts: he stiffens, he refocuses on the road. This kid literally started riding at breakfast, and I DARE you to prove me wrong. But hey, great fic material right there, though, eh?

TLDR: Never gonna happen, but I don't care. All I care about is writing that they love each other. And they also fu-!

ARKOS ( PYRRHA X JAUNE )

I'm sorry, I need a moment. . . . Alright. Do it for her. This ship... was perfect. Probably the best ship out them all. I legit almost cry every time I think about Volume 3. Pyrrha was everyone's favorite. Her background, her interactions, her choreography, everything! But, of course, like everything in our lives, she was too good to be true. But let's honor her memory by talking about her ship, Arkos. Pyrrha was the champion of the world, the Brothers' and Oums' gift to Remnant. She could do no wrong and she HATED it. Her plight was with how she was seen. Everybody knew her! Everybody, except Jaune. And he only figured out she was "a big deal" was because Weiss had to spell it out for him! As time went on, they became the best of friends, two peas in a pod, the perfect odd couple! They worked together and trusted each other, they cared for and supported each other, they lo- No. No, I can't say it. It's been years, and it still hurts. So, I'll explain something else: the reason why Jaune SHOULD NOT be shipped right now. That reason is Pyrrha. Jaune was helpless to save her. He's suffering from survivor's guilt and he's still grieving. In Volume 4, he would sneak away and train until late at night to scroll recording of her. In Volume 5, he confronted Cinder and got Weiss almost killed because he let his grief for Pyrrha take control of him and let his emotions run wild. In Volume 6, he finds the Pyrrha statue and he... I don't know how to say this, but he let's go. He accepts that Pyrrha is gone and he's starting the healing process. He's finally ready to move forward.

TLDR: T.T I never felt that it was wise to wish too much~

MARTIAL ARCS ( REN X JAUNE)

I'll be honest, I don't really ship it. Yeah, it's cute, and it falls perfectly into the "if I had to pick a guy" part of me, but to be honest, I don't ship it. 10% because Renora and 90% it just doesn't click with me. They both just seem too soft, too quiet, too introverted. Best friends? Yes, definitely! But lovers? Eeeeeh, not really.

TLDR: I will only ship as neccessary.

NORA'S ARC ( NORA X JAUNE )

I've only just got in this deep with the fandom only recently, so I don't know if a lot of you know me. Heck, I'm probably just some RWBY fan you happen to spot as you move through your dash. However, old or new, I want to be made absolutely positively clear on this. Of all the ships here, this has got to be my-

O T FUDGIN' P

Wow! Never thought I'd feel so strongly about a crack ship like this. And yes, as sad it is to say, this is a crack ship. Renora was planned from day one, so it can't be helped. At least it didn't blast me in the face all of the sudden (OH NO, NOT THE BEES! AAAAARGH! THEY'RE IN MY EYES!). But why this ship? Well, for one thing, it's that whole opposites attract thing with Nora as the bubbly, outspoken, airhead powerhouse and Jaune as the soft spoken, introverted, nerd tactician. But wait, there's more to this trope, because it can go deeper: Order VS Chaos! Who makes all the messes? Who cleans up those messes? Who follows all the rules? Who makes their own doors? It's just. So. Damn! GOOD! One sad thing about this ship though is that it's not only not canon because of Renora, it's anti-canon because Renora. Every fan fic of Nora's Arc requires an explanation for Ren and Nora to not be together-together, like you have to write a formal apology to the FNDM for liking something that's different from what is canon or commonly accepted. If that's the case, then I'll be the anarchist here!

TLDR: I LOVE IT! What's that? Not canon? Who gives a damn?! I just explained why Jaune won't be shipped anyways! Now, if you'll excuse, I have some fan fics to find.

ARCFALL ( CINDER X JAUNE )

Oh, here it goes! Now, if we're talking ships that'll never happen, this is where we find better reasons than "it's not canon" and "character development". No, this... This is a declaration of war. Allow me to explain. Cinder Fall is evil. Like, down to her core. She wants power and she'll cut through anyone to get to it. Including Pyrrha. This woman sank Arkos by means other than "X and Y kissed, so..." She killed X, leaving Y alone. And her interactions with Jaune tell me she wouldn't even be worth a hate-bang. But, as Momma always, there's a thin line between love and hate. This is where the appeal comes in. Cinder is evil with no past, which leaves the previous chapter's of her life story blank to be filled in. Jaune is good with a troublesome, albeit easy past, but untapped potential for more. It's another opposites attract, but different from INTRO VS EXTRO and CHAOS VS ORDER; this is GOOD VS EVIL. Who will win this battle of wills; will our hero purify the tainted heart, or will he slip deeper into darkness, never to return to the light?

TLDR: Should be a NOTP, and yet the allure pulls me in.

What do y'all think? Do you agree? Let me know!

[masquerade-story]

Chapter 4 - Memories

Lillian awoke late into the evening, after everyone collectively agreed to take a nap and process everything Crystal told them. Her throat was dry and scratchy, so she carefully rolled out of bed to avoid disturbing Grey, who'd crawled into her bed for comfort like he always did when he was upset, and padded quietly out of the bedroom.

Since there wasn't going to be any sort of heating bill, they'd left the mysteriously working heater on to combat the unexpectedly cold weather. Lillian stopped by a window to peek outside, and was momentarily startled when she could pick out individual leaves on distant trees.

"Right, our vision got all fancy." Lillian laughed softly at herself, turning her gaze from the trees to the starry sky.

An unfamiliar sky.

Three moons scattered across the horizon, a couple of planets close enough for their rings to be distinct to the naked eye, and a brilliant aurora ribbon streaming across more stars than Lillian ever remembered seeing when she looked up back on Earth.

"There's no North Star," she whispered to herself, her warm breath briefly melting some frost on the window glass. "Different constellations, different horoscopes... I wonder how long a year is here? Or a season? Can we... Even communicate with people to find out?"

An oppressive sense of loneliness settled in her chest. Lillian blinked back a few tears and turned away from the window, resuming her earlier mission of a glass of juice. She slipped downstairs into the kitchen, drank an entire glass, and went to bring her second cup upstairs in case she woke up again, when a soft sound caused her to pause mid-step toward the stairs.

Sobbing. Wretched, mournful sobbing, from the living room which currently had no light on.

Lillian felt her heart clench in sympathy, and changed route.

Rayne sat on the couch, curled into the corner with a blanket around her shoulders and a phone in her hands. She glanced up when Lillian approached, hurriedly dashing her tears with the corner of the blanket. "H-hey, what's up?"

Lillian had the sense to put her juice cup down on an end table before sitting heavily on the couch, encroaching on Rayne's personal space with reckless abandon. "I was gonna ask you the same thing. Why are you down here alone in the dark?"

"Oh, I..." Rayne muttered, her gaze flicking back to the phone. Lillian glanced down, and saw a photo of Rayne and her boyfriend trying on mouse hats during their trip to Disneyworld. His expression was exasperated, but his affectionate gaze was fixed on Rayne's laughing face.

Rayne locked her screen and set the phone down, but it was too late and she knew it. She retreated further into the warmth of her blanket, faking a shiver to cover the fact she was trying to hide her face.

Neither Rayne nor Crystal appreciated it when other people saw them cry, but Lillian knew that it was sometimes exactly what someone needed, whether they wanted it or not. So she leaned on Rayne's shoulder, resting a gentle hand on the other woman's knee.

"You know," Lillian said softly, closing her eyes. "There's three moons."

Rayne was quiet for a moment. Then she sniffled, before whispering: "Really?"

"Yeah. And some ringed planets, and an aurora. Wanna see?"

The bundle of blanket shook in a hesitant nod, and both Lillian and Rayne moved to sit on the window seat overlooking the front yard, keeping throw pillows between them and the frozen glass to seal in their bodily warmth.

Silence stretched on between them as they stared together at the foreign night sky. Whenever Rayne gave a soft cry or pained whimper, Lillian reached over to squeeze her hand without turning to look at her, giving the other woman a measure of privacy while still providing comfort until she was ready to talk.

"It's unfair," Rayne whispered finally, reaching out of the blanket to draw a frowning face on the frosty glass.

Lillian nodded. "It ate our bonds so they all forgot us, but we still have to remember them? It's totally unfair."

"Actually..." Rayne looked over, locking gazes with Lillian, her dark brow furrowed. "That's the thing. Lils, do you remember your parents?"

"Of course. Robin and Larry-"

"Their faces, Lils."

Lillian opened her mouth, then immediately shut it. Her curious expression turned to one of realization, then panic suffused with horror. "No, I... What...?"

"I don't remember his face if I'm not looking at the photo," Rayne said, crossing her arms tightly under the blanket. "I don't remember his voice anymore. I did at first, but... Every passing moment, it's harder to remember the times we shared. The bad, the good. Even while looking at the photos! And I just... I felt like I should have a good cry, while I still felt enough lingering emotion for him to do it."

Lillian felt as though her heart was caught in her throat. She swallowed, swallowed again, then wheezed as she tried to remember how to breathe. Rayne hurriedly wrapped her arms around Lillian's shoulder, squeezing tight in a hug that contained all her comfort and sympathy.

"We'll do everything we can to remember, them, okay?" Rayne whispered, her voice shaking with emotion. "Let's go wake Grey and Crystal, then we can all start writing stuff down. Alright?"

Nodding, Lillian clung desperately to Rayne's hand as they both hurried upstairs, rolling their respective siblings out of bed for an emergency meeting. Grey's horror was contrasted starkly by Crystal's numb nodding, as she apologized for not realizing it would happen. They dug into the boxes of personal belongings, finding some notebooks and pens, and sat together in the master bedrooms writing down everything they remembered about Earth and their loved ones until well into the next morning.

"On the one hand it's a mercy," Grey said sleepily, as he doodled another picture of his parents in the margins of his notebook. "So we won't be grieving our loss very long, I guess? But it still feels..."

"Wrong," Lillian mumbled, looking through her phone for a picture of her cat to use as a reference.

"It's not like the time was wasted," Rayne said, adding another bullet point to the list she was writing. "Our experiences shaped who we are whether we remember them or not. It does feel pretty crappy, though..."

"I wonder, will they forget us like this?" Lillian asked, unable to stop the words in her heart from escaping. Her hand paused above the page, the pen in her hand shaking violently. "Will they just... Slowly forget us? Or was it sudden and merciful? Because this... This is cruel."

"Cruelty implies intention," Crystal said softly, her voice shaking almost as much as Lillian's pen. "That... Thing. The Eater. It didn't have any malice, it was just hungry. But I dunno if that makes things better or worse..."

"I dunno man, you ever seen a cat catching prey? Pretty sure eating something alive has some inherent malice in it." Grey grumbled, trying to force his chicken scratch handwriting into something legible.

Crystal, who'd already given up on her own handwriting and embraced the chaotic glyphic nature of her lettering, nodded sagely in agreement. "That's true. I got the impression the Eater wasn't exactly sentient or sapient though. More like a force than a being, if that makes sense? Or maybe I just can't conceive of it, since that thing exists outside our dimensions of understanding."

"You say that so easily, do you even know how wild that whole statement was?"

"Do you even know how wild this whole situation is?"

"Look, we've passed absurdity at this point. Now I'm just down with whatever weirdness comes our way."

"We don't have to pay bills anymore," Rayne said slowly, staring at her paper. Her handwriting was the neatest by far, and she'd finished writing down most important events she could think of, but she kept having a nagging feeling she'd left something out so she kept reading the pages over and over hoping to trigger another memory. "We won't have to buy groceries unless there's things we want specifically that wasn't in our house to begin with. The electricity will never go out, damage to the property will be repaired, and even though we're in a new world with unknown levels of development and technology, we will never have to worry about toilet paper. In exchange for a very comfortable standard of living, we lost our connection to our home and families."

"Personally speaking I think it's fair," Crystal said with a scoff. "But that's because our family sucks so I'll be glad to forget them. All my most important people are here with me! I know Robin and Larry will take good care of all our cats, my exes all sucked, and my other friends will get along just fine without me. I don't have anyone to worry about, just regrets for stuff I never got to do. Like visiting the Grand Canyon, or going on a long cruise."

"I wanted to hike around Europe someday..." Rayne said wistfully.

"I wanted to vacation in the tropics. Or maybe Spain? For like, two years. With some hot guys and infinite fruity alcohols." Grey said, staring off into space with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"I wanted to be famous enough for us to visit the space station," Lillian sighed. Grey snorted, and everyone started laughing in a combination of absurdity and delirium from lack of sleep. They started listing everything they could think of, starting with shopping sprees and game show appearances, and ending with complex bank and casino heists to dismantle capitalism.

When Crystal started dozing off while sitting up, they all agreed to get some sleep for real. The notebooks were stacked lovingly on one of the end tables, which reminded Lillian to run downstairs and chug her long-forgotten cup of juice in the living room before trudging back upstairs into bed.

------

"We can't just stay in the house forever, right?" Grey muttered as he stared out the living room window later that night, curled up on the window seat with his knees hugged to his chest.

"Technically we could," Rayne said, drumming her fingers against the recliner arm as she waited for her laptop to boot. "Infinite food and basic supplies, stuff for our hobbies... We have our instruments, we have our computers and game consoles and several external drives worth of movies and books and music since you and Crystal obsessively insist on collecting or hoarding anything of interest for later use."

"Hey, hey." Grey wagged a finger and feigned an offended scowl. "Look at our situation. How bored would we be if the two of us didn't hoard everything? In fact, maybe our desire to hoard entertainment was preparing for this day!"

"Damn psychics always preparing for everything they couldn't possibly know about," Rayne muttered rebelliously, and Crystal laughed. She'd stretched out on half of the corner couch taking up an entire section of the living room by itself, looking cozy with a pile of blankets and her special edition Switch.

"It's only gonna get worse from here, Ray."

"Open your town, I need to sell my oranges," Lillian interrupted, nudging Crystal's feet from her spot on the other side of the corner couch.

"Alright, lemme finish making this waterfall first."

"Your villagers are never gonna have scurvy again for like, three generations."

"That many oranges? Isn't that a bit overkill?"

"If they don't want an entire island nation's agricultural sector's worth of citrus they should learn to adjust their economy for inflation."

"You know the shop is run by literal children, right?"

"It's good to learn early that nepotism leads to ruin. The business world is harsh and so am I."

Rayne chuckled at the sound of Lillian's low, malicious cackling, but her expression swiftly turned serious. "What do you mean it's gonna get worse, Coco?"

"All four of us have abilities for real, right? Being in this world is gonna make them grow exponentially, whether we try to train them or not. New ones will pop up too, or existing ones will change a little as they grow. Okay Lils, gate's open." Crystal spoke nonchalantly, but every word drained a bit more color from Rayne's face. Meanwhile, Grey turned away from the window with an excited glint in his eyes.

"So psychic powers can get real strong in this world?"

"Yeah. The impression I got when we were coming over was... Magic exists here, and it's something anyone can learn to use with practice. But abilities like ours, psychic powers? Those you have to be born with, and it's rare. That's about as much as I know about it though," Crystal sighed and shrugged.

"Can you list everything you know about our situation?" Rayne said, opening a new document on her computer and typing away with her nose inches from the laptop screen. "I wanna write it all down. I got the thing about our bonds and memories, and the house being indestructible-"

"It's not indestructible, just protected." Crystal seemed startled as soon as the words left her mouth, as though the information was somehow new. She furrowed her brow, nose wrinkling as she carefully examined her thought process. "I see, protected... Like a barrier, almost? It'll always rebuild itself and restock supplies overnight no matter what happens, even if it's all burnt to ash, but the property itself is also shielded unless we draw attention from a big threat."

"A big threat? Like what?"

"I don't know. Big animals like those Nessies on the beach yesterday. Or monsters like the Eater, maybe?"

"Monsters?!" Lillian sat up straight, pulling her feet under her body. "There's monsters!?"

"There's magic, why wouldn't there be monsters too?" Grey pointed out, but his twin just stuck her tongue out at him.

"It's just an assumption," Crystal hurriedly explained. "For my power to work, I'd have to come into contact with stuff related to what I want to know about in order to get more information, I can't just pull stuff out of the ether whenever I have questions!"

"Then how do you know what you know already?"

"Well, we were in contact with the house. The house is made with really powerful magic, so I learned magic exists, and that it was used to make the house echo and ensure our supplies remain the same. I think I also learned about the barrier then, but didn't think about it or really absorb the info cuz I was thinking about other things, so it only just popped up." Crystal shrugged and let out a half-hearted laugh.

"What about the Eater?"

"The Eater was menacing us directly and I looked at it so I was able to get some info on it and the bond-eating shenanigan, but not much else because it's way stronger than me, I think? And my power activated as soon as we started our... Transfer, I guess? Away from Earth. And you all were in the room with me, so I knew you all had powers as well as myself, got the basic gist of how mine work, and that we'd all get much stronger whether we wanted to or not. That's really about it for what I know. I told you it wasn't much."

"Why the house though?" Rayne muttered. "It just wanted to eat our bonds and it did that. So why did it drop us on another planet, and why give us this cushy house echo thing?"

Crystal shrugged again. "I honestly have no idea. I think I could know if I got a lot stronger, but... That won't be any time soon. I can tell there's a reason, though. I just dunno what."

"Maybe it's compensation?" Grey said, his expression hopeful.

"Or bait, like a beacon, so it can find us again..." Lillian whispered with a shiver, and everyone's faces fell. Seeing their reactions, she hurriedly straightened her spine and forced a smile to her face. "But it didn't hurt us, and we're all still together. Imagine if we'd been flung to different planets instead of staying together!"

"That'd really suck," Grey agreed. "So like, Crystal, your power activates if you come into contact with stuff?"

"I think so. I'd have to test it to get the hang of how things work, precisely."

Grey chuckled, a mischievous grin spreading across his face. His expression made the three women exchange worried glances, especially once he started rubbing his hands together like a two-bit cartoon villain. "Looks like we got ourselves an excuse to head to that town for some reconnaissance!"

"In the snow?" Rayne asked, raising her eyebrows.

"With only summer clothes in our wardrobes," Crystal pointed out.

"We wore hiking boots for the walk up here so that'd be fine, but the warmest clothes we have right now are..." Lillian trailed off, then suddenly doubled over and started giggling.

Realization dawned on the others soon after, and Rayne covered her face with her hands. "Oh no."

"Oh yes!" Grey hissed, pumping his fist into the air. "That'll make one heck of an entrance, wouldn't it?"

"Our music video costumes? In PUBLIC!?" Rayne wailed while the others laughed.

"That might not be what we want to do though," Crystal said after her moment of laughter had subsided. "We don't know what kind of world this is. If they'll be friendly to strangers, especially ones who can't speak their language - or any language on this world. They won't know English, you know."

"But do we really have a choice?" Lillian asked, putting down her console and staring up at the ceiling. "We don't know anything about this world. About magic, except that it exists. About the people. And hiding here in our safe cozy house will be fine short term, but what about long term? Are we gonna spend our whole lives holed up in here?"

"I, for one, embrace the forest witch hermit lifestyle," Grey said. "And I know Crystal does too."

"Sure do. Cottage life."

Rayne sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I don't wanna be caught completely off guard by whatever nonsense comes our way. We know it's winter, but we don't know what the other seasons are like yet. What if they have a raining magma and diamonds from the sky season? We can't apply Earth logic here! Or if we can, we don't know to what extent! There were dinosaurs on the beach!"

"That's a fair point. There were indeed dinosaurs on the beach. Counter points?"

"There were dinosaurs on the beach."

"A fair counter point as well. I do want to see the dinosaurs up close."

"From a safe distance."

"Up close from a safe distance, of course."

"Plus, we don't know what's gonna happen with our powers. You said they'll get stronger, what does that mean?"

"I don't know. More powers will manifest, I think? And the ones we have already will be more potent. But I don't know how potent, or what exactly will happen."

"Exactly! You psychically downloaded only a little info about our situation and it gave you a nasty seizure! Right?"

"Pretty much."

"So what if something worse happens? A big huge infodump? If you can't control your powers, or shut it off when needed or whatever, what if..." Rayne's shoulders sagged.

"What if I have a big seizure every time I use my powers now?" Crystal finished, a wry smile on her face. "Yeah, I was wondering about that too. Honestly, everything about our situation has me so terrified I've circled back around to just feeling numb about it all."

"That's a hell of a mood," Grey sighed, stretching out on the window seat and propping his feet up against the wall. "Everything's happening so much, am I right? It's hard to be freaked out about everything simultaneously. It's easier to just phase out of existence, mentally speaking."

"I... Have an idea."

Everyone turned to look at Lillian, who sat perched on the edge of the couch. She glanced at all their faces, then offered a shy smile.

"Well? What's your idea, sis?" Grey encouraged, when his sister kept fidgeting in place instead of finishing her thought.

"Well, those warmer clothes we have... They're our costumes, right? And Crystal said we dunno how people would react to that sort of outfit, or to strangers in general, but what if... I mean... We have our instruments? What if... We pretended to be minstrels?"

[aurirising]

Another potentially unpopular/controversial opinion

From the girl who brought you the long defense of Kal/call out of the squad, comes the thrilling and really rather contradictory sequel. I humbly present to you A Defense of Squad 312 because nuance is fun and important and I'm nothing if not fair in a situation like this.

Okay, so, to clarify, I'm not necessarily going to be saying that their actions were morally right or that I agree with them per se, but, what I am going to do is explain why some of them make sense and are understandable given the circumstances and who the characters are as people.

I'm gonna go character by character here and first up we have Scarlett. Go big or go home right?

So, Scarlett has possibly the worst reaction, but also the most justified. Everyone in that squad has gone through absolute hell but Scarlett has at this point suffered the most, second only to maybe Auri (who has had time to process and let go and move on and stuff in the Echo but we can get to that later). Let's remember that both books in their entirety span less than 2 WEEKS and in that time Scarlett has:

Had a death scare for her brother on the very night all this started

Been shoved into an incredibly dangerous mission which she, along with everyone else, was completely unprepared for

Been attacked by God knows how many different groups of people almost everyday INCLUDING AURI, even if that wasn't really her and she didn't want to do that

Lost her absolute best friend in the universe thanks to this mission neither of them really signed up for

Had to watch her brother, the only family she has left who she absolutely adores, fight a monster with a TINY KNIFE and almost watch him get killed right in front of her

Watched all the people she's grown to care for and feels at least somewhat responsible for get hurt and nearly killed over and over again

Actually lost her brother to the clutches of the very people/being that took away her best friend maybe a week ago and doesn't know if he's even still alive or what might be happening to him

Been thrown into a leadership role she has never wanted or trained for under the absolute worst circumstances and doesn't have time to grieve anything that's happened to her and is now being slowly crushed under the pressure of leading the squad and keeping them safe that even Tyler - the best Alpha in their year - struggled with

And this isn't even to mention the fact that the Starslayer killed her father and his relation to Kal did in fact put them all at higher risk from the Unbroken even if, like I mentioned in my Kal post, this can't all be blamed straight on him.

Now, although this isn't all Kal's fault and, if Scarlett was thinking more rationally, she'd realise that, you have to remember that she ISN'T thinking rationally. Look at that list and tell me that if you'd been through all that, you'd be thinking clearly and I will straight up call you a liar because we humans are incredibly emotional beings and stress and loss makes us do all kinds of things we'd not normally do. And Scarlett, well Scarlett is one of the most deeply emotional people of all.

Throughout both books, it's repeatedly said and shown how much and how deeply she cares, even about these people she's only just met, and, I mean, she's a FACE for gods sake, feelings and caring about people and being in touch with the emotions of others to better negotiate is literally part of her job and one of her core personality traits. If that kind of stuff would destroy any one of us, it would without a doubt destroy her too. And then to get such an earth-shattering piece of news that could at first glance link directly to most of her problems? Well that is just the straw that breaks the Camel's back and so she lashes out. It makes sense, it's understandable and an emotional response that doesn't come out of nowhere. It's been built to all this time and no, it's not fair and it's not right, but when you snap, you snap and Kal is about the only thing right in front of her that she can see having caused her some of these problems that she can let it out on.

I want to reiterate once again that this isn't right. It's not an action that's supposed to be okay, it's one that highlights the flaws in good people and that doing what's right isn't always easy and people sometimes act selfishly. But the fact remains that she had a reason for behaving how she did, even if it wasn't a good reason, and though she acted incredibly harshly, that doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her a person.

Also like, if I remember rightly it wasn't her who was first to tell Kal he needed to leave but choosing as the leader to do so also makes sense in circumstance. Something like that reveal will create something of a rift whether people want it to or not. When you find something like that out, you absolutely would start questioning what you know about a person in even the best of times and, as we've already established, this is far from the best of times. With everything going on and the crushing weight of grief and anxiety and fear and doubt and everything else she's feeling, it isn't surprising that she would opt for the simplest solution to this. Whether Kal was trustworthy or not and regardless of whether he'd been the cause of any problems before or would be in the future, if he's not there, he can't possibly cause any further problems and they can focus on what they have to do without that extra worry on their minds. In both a tactical leadership sense and from a highly emotional view, it makes sense and I get why she and the others chose that.

Once again, I'm not saying it's fair or right or just, but it is understandable and one poor and somewhat cruel decision does not make Scarlett a mean person.

Okay, moving on. You'll be glad to know I'm not gonna go on so much with the other characters because there was significantly more to talk about in regards to Scarlett than any of the others.

I'm actually gonna talk about Fin and Zila together because I feel a lot of their reaction comes from a similar place and they handle it in ways not too different from each other.

So for both of these guys I got the impression that they were more shell shocked and a little hurt rather than truly angry like Scarlett. They don't do or say a whole lot in this scene in comparison to Scar and Auri and Zila even tries to mediate just the tiniest bit at the begining. Both of them really seem to mostly be puzzling it out and trying to deal with the hurt of being deceived somewhat (especially Fin after he'd shared some meaningful bonding moments with Kal and had also come to him about the note and been lied to then) and barely get involved in the whole thing. Fin really only does when it looks like things are about to get physical between Kal and Scarlett and it's more out of worry that her rage is going to get her hurt if she tries to punch him or something (which is exactly what happens). And Zila is just in distress throughout the whole thing and again this doesn't seem to be specifically because of Kal but more from the fracturing of this group she'd started to feel at home in and like she belonged. She'd been coming out of her shell in the last few days after finally letting these people in and starting to feel safe with them and then this huge fight and breaking up happens and it's like another family unit is all being ripped away from her again and it triggers that trauma response that makes her start shutting down again.

Similarly I can see some of that response happening a little bit in Fin because he also has never felt like he belonged and has always been cast out and he finally found a group that cared about him and didn't consider him a burden because of his disability and he's also having that torn apart which can't be easy even if he seems to handle it better than Zila since it's more traumatic for her.

They both have milder reactions that are able to be somewhat more logical in approach since they comparatively have less emotional investment in some of the implications of this reveal than both Scarlett and Auri do. However, they're both still deeply hurt by the fracture this has caused within the group and Kal is in fact part of the cause of that fracture for them so they go along with Auri and Scarlett (who is literally their leader now and following orders and sticking together is so important to these two now that they have this group. They don't want to lose any more of it). And like I mentioned in the Scarlett section, they're smart and they recognise that distrust within the group as they head into what's next is incredibly dangerous and a huge detriment to the mission so since they are understandably hurt and a bit unsure now, they make the logical decision to reduce the potential risk in keeping him around.

Okay so a quick bit on Tyler. He, like Scarlett, is understandably hurt by finding out about Kal but his reaction is muted and more reasonable after what he's gone through with Saedii on the TDF ship and also due to the gravity of his situation and everything going on with Cat somewhat overshadowing it all. I don't think anyone is really mad at Tyler so I'll move on, but I think his level of hurt, betrayal, and anger is more in line with what I'd expect from him and probably Scarlett if she hadn't been through all she had and was being more rational.

So, where my irritation starts coming into play more is with Auri. She's spent 6 months with Kal in the Echo where they grew closer and more in love and I guess I can see questioning all that because if he lied about that for all that time then what else could he lie about? But there's also the debate to be had about certain point of view like in Star Wars and whether omission of something that might never really have needed to be said is acceptable. And the thing is, I can't give a definitive answer on that because every person is going to have a different opinion on that idea in general and on Kal's handling of this situation in particular based on what we've experienced in our own lives and where we draw the right/wrong line or handle the grey area of morality. With something like this, there really isn't much in the way of a right answer and that's okay.

But I think the thing I see with Auri which makes her a bit more understandable here is how she's using Kal's OWN WORDS to rationalise this and figure out how to feel. "And I remember you said our past makes us what we are." That part in bold is what Kal told her, what she knows he believes. When you know someone holds that belief and then you find out THAT is their past, there will be a question mark over them no matter how well you think you know them.

Also, Auri has dealt with so much loss lately and time and again people and systems she should have been able to trust and feel safe with have let her down or turned against her and, speaking as someone with some level of trust issues, I know it's incredibly hard to get rid of doubt after it's started to set in and all too easy to call up any small moment that might support that doubt, so I can see why Auri might be doing that now.

I am still personally of the opinion that Auri should have reacted better and known him well enough to not have acted that way but remember this is a defense post and I already gave the other side (at least most of it) on my Kal defense post.

I think we're gonna leave it here now. And in conclusion of both of these posts, whichever side of this you come down on more (or even if you sit in the middle like me), that's completely fine and valid and you're not wrong for feeling a certain way about a situation like this. Fundamentally, it comes down to which characters you most identify with and who's experiences most resonate with you.

It's not a clear cut right and wrong thing because literally every single character handled something badly and everyone's motives, including Kal's, were understandable in some way and believable. They're all people and people are flawed and selfish and jump to conclusions and lash out and although we have to remember that those aren't morally sound things to do, they're a shared human experience.

I know no one asked for this long-ass analysis of this scene and situation but as a writer and film student, scene and character analysis is kinda what I DO so I thought I'd go ahead and make this post. Something like this is actually brilliant writing from Jay and Amie because there's a lot more nuance to it than a quick glance at the situation might suggest and since it's such a hot topic in this fandom after Aurora Burning, I wanted to address it and make sure a bit more of an in depth look was taken into exactly what happened.

Anyway,

Tl;dr: this is something of a counter point to my Kal defense post and every member of the squad had understandable reason for reacting the way they did in this situation, even if they may have been too harsh. People are flawed and these characters are no exception, but that's okay.

[deerlyloved]

grief

under cut: a story of mei’s friends coping with her death, at least until...

There was no average time for how long it took people to grieve. Every mind processed loss differently, mourned differently, so there was no way to actually tell how long it would take someone to get better ‘usually’. 

Maybe it was a few weeks, a month, a few years, never. Everyone did it differently. So when the entire unit was placed on mandatory bereavement leave for an undisclosed amount of time after the loss of Private Amari, they all found themselves at different points at different times, coping entirely differently.

Jonas couldn’t bear to look at his workspace, and more often than not he laid in bed or on the couch when he was dragged out by Ana, who’s only understanding of how to grieve was to help others around her. She was the eldest sister, so she saw it as her job to make sure everyone took care of themselves while she barely stopped to take care of her. Get Jonas up, make him eat, calm Rea down, call Icka and get no response, find Kro, offer to cook H something and get no response.

Clockwork. The unit always, always ran like clockwork, even when things were the most chaotic and unorganized. Rea didn’t wake them up anymore, so Ana did it instead. After an hour, she’d go knock on the captains door and pretend she didn’t notice how shaky he looked when he opened it and pretended to be annoyed with her. They rarely saw hide nor hair of H anymore, but that was expected, right? So Ana left food outside their door three times a day, talked to them through the walls, reminded them that the others would always, always be there for the Kayojin, and that they could stay on the unit or leave at their own will.

Kro’asha didn’t skitter through the vents because most of them passed Amari’s room, so Ana fetched things here and there that he had stashed… before. 

Iggy was contained. Major’s orders. He was getting some great treatment, but apparently it was hard for the not-dog to rebond with someone like he did Mei. Ana got it, she’d feel the same way if she were a poor little alien canine.

The carpet was singed from the dogs last outburst before he was deemed a health hazard.

Karen disappeared. The moment they got back to base, the android disappeared, took a ship out of the Citadel and had gone completely off the grid. That made plenty of sense too, of course, Mei made Karen so of course the robot would be similar to her. Maybe it was good that they had left… the witty comebacks would have sat heavy on their hearts.

Her feet slid against the carpet as she carried a mug out to the living room, leaning over the back of the couch to offer it to Jonas. The man was curled up, silently watching a movie on the TV. He sighed, though, and took the cup offered to him with a quiet thanks.

“No problem, Jonesy.” Ana replied, teasingly, though her tone made the real hollowness of her words stick out like a sore thumb.

They both went quiet again, and they stayed that way for a few minutes before Jonas spoke up this time. The engineer leaned forward, setting the mug of cocoa down and locking his hands together. “I think we need to clear out Mei’s room.”

“Wow, first thing you’ve said today and you’re already off to a bad start.”

“No, no, I…” Jonas sighed and rubbed his face roughly before he spoke again, “Ana, it’s just… It’s just there. Full of everything that she was, and would be, and it’s like a fucking ghost just staring all of us down. I think it’s why H doesn’t leave their room. Hard to look across and see Mei’s room, ya know? And I…” He scanned the room around them, “I don’t think we should trash it, just… I think we should pack it up. Get rid of all the little ghosts that she left.”

“You wanna just erase our friend out of our lives?” Ana scoffed, “No. No! We’re not just going to pack everything away! Mei belongs… She belongs here! She can’t just get pushed in the back of all our minds!”

“She won’t be!” Jonas retorted, “It’s impossible to forget Mei even if you want to, and none of us want to, Ana. We also don’t need constant reminders that she used to be here, and now she’s not. I’m not saying today, or tomorrow, just… Eventually. Eventually we need to accept that it’s okay to put all her stuff away and move on.”

“I’m sure Icka’s gonna have a ton to say about that.” Ana mumbled to herself.

“If she ever comes back.”

“I…” She had lost this argument, she already knew it. Even if she didn’t want to admit it, Jonas was right. They didn’t need to leave Mei’s books out, or her shoes, the cat keychain she had imported… Those could all be put away, for their sake, and they wouldn’t stop thinking about Mei.

…But there was no way in Hell she was going to be the one who presented the idea to Rea.

The man was a bit of a hard-ass before he started the grieving process, but now? When he could be bothered to interact with his friends at all, he never followed schedule. He’d show up, ask how they were, then leave. Headed back for the training room. If you asked him anything between that, whether a general question or a request, you were going to get told to do it your own damn self.

Everyone grieves differently.

Rea worked, and got frustrated, and didn’t want anymore responsibility because he knew, knew, knew that he was the reason Mei died.

Jonas couldn’t work, and he was quiet and sleepy because he never slept anymore, hard to when all he could think about was how he could have stopped it from happening. Maybe if he’d just moved the sensors here, or made them stronger, or gone further up with the metal, or…

Icka formally resigned from her position as a medic and unit psychologist and went back to her home planet. She never talked to the unit anymore. Sometimes you just need to get as far away from your issues as possible.

H was mourning in their own way that was certainly frustrating for the rest of them. Ana cared for others to never think of her feelings. Kro’asha left the duplex and spent most nights in the general bunks so he wouldn’t have to see Mei’s things. Karen left the CCF entirely. Iggy bit people.

Clockwork. The unit ran like clockwork. Get Jonas up, make him eat, calm Rea down, call Icka and get no response, find Kro, offer to cook H something and get no response.

 Get Jonas up, make him eat, calm Rea down, call Icka and get no response, cry in the bathroom, find Kro, offer to cook H something and get no response...

Get Jonas up, make him eat, cry in the bathroom, calm Rea down, call Icka and get no response, cry in the bathroom, find Kro, offer to cook H something and get no response, cry in the bathroom.

Get Jonas up, cry in the bathroom, make him eat, cry in the bathroom, calm Rea down, cry in the bathroom, call Icka and get no response, cry in the bathroom, find Kro, cry in the bathroom, offer to cook H something and get no response, cry in the bathroom.

Cry yourself to sleep, then get Jonas up, then cry in front of him, then make him eat, then cry in the bathroom, then…

Ana was given mandatory meetings with another therapist as opposed to the grief counselor the unit was talking to already.

Three months, fourteen days, Kro’asha rejoined the duplex. Four months, three days. Jonas got up and made his own food. Five months, sixteen days, Rea woke everyone up at 7am. Seven months, eight days, Ana went through and packed away everything of Mei’s. Seven months, twenty days, H came out and joined them for dinner. Eight months, nine days, Icka called the unit.

Nine months, ten days, Karen sent them coordinates.

“Mandatory bereavement leave is mandatory.” Rea said as he followed his friends through the docking bay of the Citadel ship, “If they know we’re leaving for a possible mission, we’ll get added therapy, and I don’t think any of us want that.”

“Maybe you don’t, but I think Icks could use it.” Jonas replied.

Icka didn’t reply. The avian had come back just to investigate the coordinates sent, and she was certainly not the same alien who had left. None of them mentioned it.

“Listen, as far as we know, this is Karen just inviting us out to their cool new house!” He said, “No need to go worrying, okay?”

“When is anything that simple when it comes to an Amari?” Rea replied.

“He has a point.” Ana said as she stopped in front of a ship and turned, “This is the one we got, real clunker, but it’s not for fighting anyway so if we get in trouble… We’re thoroughly fucked.”

“We should not get in trouble.” H pipped up.

“Yeah, ‘cause Mei--ehhhhhhhhsnevermind.” Jonas quickly pushed past Ana to clamber onto the ship.

Everyone boarded quickly, got settled even quicker, and soon enough the on-leave unit was off with a rented pilot. “So, where are you guys headed? These are kinda in-the-middle-of-nowhere coords…” She asked.

“A friend invited us out to them, we figure they’ve either decided to go all mad-robot on us finally, or they have some cool party planned.” Ana replied.

“Cool, cool, but uh… Why on this place?”

“What place?”

“Do you guys not know?” The pilot cocked an eyebrow, leaning up to flip down a holographic screen that projected the area they were headed to, “It’s some little rinky-dink dwarf-planet set up, real seedy place. Mercs love the area.”

“Sounds like Amari territory…” Rea grumbled.

“Yeah, well, just be careful out there, it’d be a shame if I had to go home empty handed. Major’ed be all over my ass…” She sighed, her long, curled ears flicking.

The trip didn’t take much longer until the on-leave-unit saw the planet in the distance. The cities built on it clearly took up most of the area, the geography was all over the place but mainly seemed to be plains and hills, and as they approached the ground and actually broke the cloudline into the city it became very clear that this place was, in fact, ‘rinky dink’. The buildings were in poor condition, the streets were packed, the ships parked in the bay all looked stolen or like they were about to be hauled off for scrap. Rea sucked in air and sighed.

“Alright, we’re going to stick together out there, no need getting lost. H, try and stay somewhere in the middle, you’re incredibly small.”

“Kro’asha is smaller than me.”

“That’s why he’s going to be jumping on my shoulders. We aren’t that close. So stay close to me.”

The group unfurled themselves from their seats and piled out onto the streets. It definitely smells like a city, despite how cramped and busy it seemed the air was clean, the water was clean… Good ol’ Citadel influence.

“Coordinates are up ahead, a little to the right.” Rea announced as he led the group through. He was certainly an intimidating figure, and the crowd seemed to begrudgingly part for him as he walked through with little concern for who was in front of him. 

“What, in the apartments?” Jonas asked from the back of the group, “Shit, Ana, you might be right, Karen’s inviting us to their house.”

“Never that easy.” Rea retorted as he cleared a path towards the clearly labeled apartment complex, opening the gate and letting his friends file through. “No one make a scene, okay?”

“Yeah, ‘cause I was planning on doing some fuckery.” Jonas replied.

“I mostly meant Kro’asha and Icka, but I do appreciate the energy.” 

“Can we please just go inside?” Icka replied, a harsh tone to her voice. That was definitely knew for the group, and all of them seemed to share the same discomfort as they nodded and walked quickly for the entrance. As soon as they had all filed in, a young alien at the front desk turned to them, and went pale. Their hands were webbed, but they still typed at the computer in front of them quickly as they stared at the group with large, completely pink eyes. They almost looked like a frog, honestly.

“Karen Amari is in 247, they’ve been expecting you. They said you’re late.” They said, motioning for the group to head towards an elevator.

“This is terrifying.” Ana stated.

“We are on time, I don’t know why Karen said we’re late.” 

“Focusing on the real issue as always, H.”

Still, despite the obvious discomfort that the building held, the feeling that they were walking into a trap, the unit persisted. What else were they going to do, ya know? They’d already made it all the way out here, and knowing Karen, they’d kill the whole group if they never showed up.

The large group managed to cram themselves into the elevator, then down the narrow, twisting hallways that led to Karen’s apartment. That they somehow got… The Amari’s really were an enigma, weren’t they?

H was the first to spot the door, stepping over to it and giving a simple knock. Before they could rapt their knuckles against the wood a second time, though, the door swung open to reveal Karen, staring out at them all. Their stickers and bow had been peeled off, and they seemed to have acquired some new… stains that definitely-were-not-blood… But it was Karen.

“Hello.”

“Hello, H.” Karen replied, “It’s nice to see you, I’m glad you all made it, I’m going to need as much help as I can get with this.” The android stepped back and motioned for them all to come in, “It’s easier to have familiar faces here, reduces time spent in a natural state--”

“Karen, I’m begging you, begging you,” Icka said, “To please, those above, not waste our time mumbling vagueness and incoherent sentences, and just tell us why we’re here. I came a very long way, and I’d like to get back to my pottery and mourning in peace, thank you.”

“I see grief has left its mark on you.” Karen replied quickly, “A shame that it was all for not.”

“Charming as always when it comes to opinions on emotions, K.” Jonas murmured.

“All for not, because you had no reason to grieve. Mei is alive.”

Nine months, eleven days, and Karen had gone fucking insane.

H was the first to reply with a grimace and a firm shake of their head, “No, she is not.”

“Yes, she--”

“No, no, Mei died in my arms, she is not alive. You can’t tell me she is. You can’t make me believe that. You can’t.”

Ana reached a hand out to put on the Kayojins shoulder with her own grimace, “Karen, you should come with us, okay? You obviously aren’t doing well out here, and… Listen, I know it’s easier to believe--”

“Would you like to see her?”

The silence that overcame the group was deafening and instant. H’s breath hitched, Icka’s feathers puffed, Rea simply closed his eyes and shook his head almost disappointedly. Despite their pleas, how desperately they wanted to not fall for something so impossible, H spoke up, breathily, “Yes.”

“Over here.” Karen turned and walked towards the other side of the apartment, where the walls had been carefully cut to reveal the apartment next door. They walked through the gap they had clearly created, and stood off to the side to reveal a large room that was clearly better taken care of than the rest of the building. A soft lighting shone into a covered box that was connected to different canisters and boxes with long, thick hoses, and Karen carefully stepped over them to reach a screen just on the other side of them.

“She took the idea from her father, he wanted to use Talvak genetic research to help heal injuries, but never perfected it before his death. She had an endless supply of Talvak DNA, however, which made it easier.” Karen was intensely staring at the screen as they typed in various things, “The base idea was there, but Mei also never finished the project before her death, which left it in the very capable hands of me, her firstborn.”

Silence. 

“I don’t know why I was expecting a response.” The android murmured before carefully pushing the curtain that draped the box off to the side of it’s rod, revealing a UV light shining down on a metal capsule. The top of it had a glass window, though the group was too far away to see inside, wires and the likes connecting it…

“Come here, H.”

They were moving without a second thought, nearly stumbling over to the robot and hopefully moving to their toes to peer into the container in front of them. They had an aching feeling that it would be empty, that they wouldn’t see whatever they were expecting… Mei, or someone like Mei, or...or… Something. Anything to remind them of her. But they still looked, just in case, just in case Karen hadn’t truly lost themself in the grief.

And wouldn’t you know it…

Black hair, pointed ears, sharp features… No scars, but still so very much Mei Amari, and H’s heart skipped a beat, their breath stopped. This couldn’t be real, could it? No, no, she was dead, so very dead, and she didn’t look like this when she died, but here she was and… And she looked just like her old pictures. With her dad. 

H spoke in Kayojin, and the unit each had their own hopes as they crept forward.

It was… a loud few minutes.

Finally, Icka lurched forward and grabbed Karen’s shoulder with a frantic look in her eyes and a wide, sharp-toothed smile, “How. How did you do this? Is that her? Really her?”

“Mei was careful to have a constant digitization of herself both mentally and physically. She often scanned and mapped out the salient features of her brain, and then stored and copied that information state into a harddrive that just so happens to be me.” Karen explained it like it made sense, like it was absolutely nothing.

“The day before the mission, she uploaded, and using what DNA I had from her I was able to facilitate a regeneration of a biological body with the information I had. Of course, I also needed her actual body so I… Listen, is it important? She’s here! And I broke intergalactic law, so I would rather not tell you every detail.” The robot gently removed Icka’s talons, “I spent months perfecting her body and keeping it alive, and her brain was no help, always trying to rebel against the process. I tried releasing her once,” Their yellow hand brushed up against an obvious dent in their chassis, “It appears that when initially released, she’s reverted back to her Talvaa instincts until her brain can properly cope with what’s happened.”

“So… You… You brought us here to make her remember us?”

“Correct. Step back please, all of you. Please be warned, she is very naked, and given her last physical scan was after her amputations… While she can’t walk, she’s still very fast.”

It’s an odd thing, standing back so a robot can open up a metal box that contains a reconstructed version of your girlfriend. But H did it, nervously, hopeful, hands clasped as the lid raised with a hiss and Mei sat straight up with a cough and a sputter, leaning right over the side of the container with a dry heave and a shudder.

“Mei.” Karen called.

Mei flinched away from the noise, snarling as she jumped back further into the box she sat in. Everything about her seemed wrong in that moment, the way her body moved, the look in her eyes, and that’s why H stepped forward. They couldn’t help it, they saw Mei and she looked so scared and the last time she had looked like that… It made H’s stomach churn, and when they stepped forward Mei’s head snapped towards them.

It was a tense few seconds, silent seconds, and Rea also moved forward to put a hand on H’s shoulder, just in case… Listen, he didn’t want to boot a friend he’d missed for months across the room, but he would if she was about to bite someone.

Thankfully, that moment never came. The confusion and fear on Mei’s face slowly faded, and she blinked rapidly before she shook her head and looked back up at H. Then, a smile. A stupid, crooked, fanged smile as the Japanese woman leaned forward and motioned for H to come forward.

“Shit, I feel like I died.” She joked as the Kayojin stumbled forward, throwing their arms around her as soon as they could and pulling her into a tight hug. “Least I don’t…” Mei tightly hugged them back with a grin, “Least I don’t look like death, right? ‘Cause I know my ass looks great naked.”

[salamanderskin]

Comfort

cr//it//ical r/o/l/e (m) sickfic. This is one of my more favourite fever scenarios I’ve written, I’m very happy with it though idk if the rest will make any sense if you don’t know the show. 

After a near drowning in episode 40, Nott has a panic attack, Caduceus has wet fur and the start of a cold. They bond over their shared misgivings about seafaring life and give each other some comfort. 

Or... Caduceus leverages Nott’s caring instincts to calm her down. Platonic intimacy ensues. 

It has been hours since they left the water. 

Whole hours, which means Nott is fine, she is safe, everything is fine and she did not drown and she can breathe just fine. So why then are her lungs still working like she'll never breathe again? 

She knows this feeling, knows it just her body telling her she's dying when she's quite safe here in hammock on the Squall Eater. She's felt it a thousand times, knows it always passes, but it's horrible horrible horrible.

Where's Caleb? Where's Frumpkin?

In their own hammock, with the cat curled tight on the wizard's own chest. He doesn't look exactly peaceful either, but they are asleep. If they were in an inn or camped outside she would take her own place on his chest, or at his feet, and let his steady breathing remind her own lungs how they are supposed to work. Perhaps she could climb up there with him? 

The motion of sitting up sets her hammock rocking in a way that reminds her immediately of the waves below. Nausea rises in her throat. 

She could certainly climb in and sleep with Caleb but that would rock the hammock even more, and between their two bodies the cloth would constrict her limbs and maybe she couldn't climb out of it easily and- no, not that then. That's not the answer.

Nott leaps from her own cocoon of blanket and paces the floor, hand on her chest to remind her to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

She slips out of the door. Let Caleb rest. He needs it.

In the narrow, dark passages below the deck she takes stock.

Caleb? Asleep.

Jester? Most likely asleep but wouldn't mind being woken.

Beau and Yasha? Most likely asleep and would mind being woken.

Fjord? Would also mind being woken. Not asleep but with Avantika, getting his rocks off most likely. That leaves…

Caduceus? Most likely asleep?

As she paces past the cabin she knows the Firbolg shares with Fjord, Nott listens hard. She expects to hear slow even breaths, but instead she can hear the a tall body moving around and the rustle of fabric. A sniffle, a set of ticklish coughs and a muffled exhalation that might have been a sneeze.

Not asleep then.

She enters without knocking.

There is a hurricane lamp it and in it's flicker she can see the firbolg sitting on the floor on a pile of blankets. Of course he is far too tall to take a hammock. He is shirtless and the glow picks out pools of shadow beneath his collarbones, a smear of deeper grey between every rib in his thin chest.

 “Nott!” he looks up, surprised. “Is everything ok?”

“Yes, no, I'm-” her breathing hiccups and her vision gets spotty from lack of oxygen. Maybe she stumbles, because she is caught by strong hands and settled to sit beside him on the floor.

“Whoah. Hey there.” His deep voice is gentle but clear. “Why don't you take some deep breaths. Like this, with me.”

He takes her hand in his and presses it to the broad plain of his chest, so that she can feel the slow rise and fall in her own body.

“That's it. Nice and steady.”

It's hard. It's really, really hard when her body says can't you see you're dying. Mastering her breath is like reigning in a galloping horse. But it will work. She knows it will work if she can just get control of it. Ignore her heart, ignore the way her the room seems to tilt, ignore the nausea and the terrible skin- tightening panic.

Trouble is, there's a fine line between deepening her breathing and focusing on it too much. She wants to be aware of it, but if she gives all her attention to the sensations they will become too much to bear. In Nott's mind she grasps for ways to make the situation normal, to find something, anything to make small talk about.

Caduceus helpfully provides it by tucking his head away for a sudden sneeze.

“Gesundheit!” she offers. The routine response momentarily overrides her panic. It happens again and he offers a sheepish sniffle as he turns back to her.

“Pardon. Got a lot of water in my nose today.” He sniffles. “You want me to count your breaths for you? Some people find that helps.”

Nott considers and shakes her head. “Can we- talk to me- about something else? Anything?”

“Sure I can.” 

He agrees easily, without questioning her further. At that moment, she could kiss him. It must be working with so many people who are grieving- he is really, really good at this, and launches into easy, light conversation that doesn't require a meaningful response. He just chats away as he picks up the towel he was using to try and buff at his fur.

She can see how that the longer patches of are spiked, like a plush velvet cloak that should definitely not have been washed in salt water. The shortest parts around his face and arms are dry but the rest of his fur still holds the water.

“I know it's tropical out there but I can't get warm till it's dry.” He tells her, sniffling again.

 “You should definitely dry off or you'll get sick.” She comments absently.

“You don't get a cold from being wet and cold,” Caduceus tells Nott.

“Says you.” She fires back, desperately glad to put her attention on any subject other than her recent near drowning and the way still can't seem to get a proper breath. Her heart hammers uncomfortably in her throat but it seems further away when she has something to focus on.

“Yeah. says me. I'm the h- the heal-er-”

Nott hears his usually deep voice go all tickly and shuddery as he winds up for another sneeze. He looks so over it afterwards that it makes her heart flip but it's a soft caring flip not a drowning, panicking flip and it actually makes her chest feel warmer. She grabs the towel from beside him and stands, so that his pink hair is level with her chest.

“Come on, let me dry you off. Don't you know any spells for that?”

“I don't. And I don't fancy asking Caleb to try a fireball, so we'll have to do it the old fashioned way.” He shakes his head under the towel.

Nott can feel the firbolg shivering under her ministrations. In response she begins to buff the towel down his shoulders and upper arms, then follows by rubbing with the palms of her hands to try and get the circulation back. The sensation of silk-velvet fur beneath her palms is so delightful that she is no longer sure whether she is doing it for his comfort or hers.

“That's really nice.” He comments, closing his eyes and tipping his head forward with a huffing sigh.

“You're freezing. You should put a shirt on. And a sweater. And socks. Do you even own socks?” She fusses.

Caduceus laughs. “You'd make a good mom.”

 “I'm-”

He notices how her shoulders rise back up to her ears and diverts, “Okay, okay, clearly that's a conversation for another day!”

“Yeah. Thanks. Sorry.” Nott manages. 

She can deepen her breathing by herself now. After the initial gasp she gets when she thinks about her family, memories of caring for her son do actually make her calmer. There was that same coolness in a crisis that she is feeling now. Not that this is a crisis, but the vulnerability she feels in Caduceus is quieting her own worries to a dull roar and she likes it that way. At least the fur on his torso is mostly dry now. It is standing up fluffier than usual and he seems to be shivering less. She did that. That's something.

Caduceus runs his own hands over his arms, assessing, and clearly her efforts will suffice because he puts a dry shirt on leans back against the side of the ship. He isn't entirely relaxed however, Nott can see his nostrils twitching while a little furrow deepens between his brows.

“Caduceus?” She asks.

His answer is to double forwards with a wrenching sneeze and then another, barely smothered against the crook of his arm. Nott winces. That sounded... wet. She casts around the little room to find a handkerchief. It might technically be Fjord's but she doesn't suppose he'll mind, especially when the alternative is a very sniffly room-mate.

“Here.” She presses it into his hand. He casts her grateful look, sidelong over the press of his wrist to his nose.

Standing up and searching the room felt good. Doing things for someone else feels good. As Caduceus blows sheepishly, inspiration strikes.

“I'm going to make you some tea!” She declares.

Her companion frowns slightly. “I can make it-” he begins. Stops. Sees the slightly frantic good will in her eyes and just nods slowly. “Sure. That'd be nice. Thanks Nott.”

He still uses his magic to heat the kettle but he lets Nott set out his beloved cups, marvelling that they had not broken on the voyage. He shows her to some pre-made blends in pouches and lets her do the rest, leaning back against the wall and letting his heavy head droop.

  Nott is fastidiously careful as she handles Caduceus' most precious possessions. She can't quite believe he is actually letting her manage the process herself. It is kind of a gift, she realises.

She watches him critically as he takes the cup from here. Did his hands shake just a little? Her keen eyes spot a tiny wince with each swallow.

“Does your throat hurt?”

“Yeah, a little. The tea will help, I think.”

“Let me just-” Before he can protest, she reaches to feel his forehead for a fever.

Even with him sitting she has to stretch to reach. His brow is broader than the length of her hand. She thinks his dove-grey makes her green skin look more emerald than muddy, for once.

There's no heat there, that she can tell. She switches her palm for the back of her hand and then as an extra measure applies it to the side of his neck. Nothing to feel but soft, slightly damp firbolg. He looks at her curiously.

“No fever.” She tells him. “Yet. So I don't think you have what Beau had. But I'm keeping an eye on you.”

“I’ll bear that it mind.” He agrees mildly, and sips his tea. He knows full well he hasn't got whatever magical malaria had briefly sunk it's teeth into their human companion- he had a word with the biting insects and politely asked them to back off. 

Nott is satisfied with her work and comes to sit beside him with her own cup of tea, and she seems to finally have settled.

“Nott?” He asks. “Feeling calmer now?”

She draws a breath and makes a mental check of her heart, her lungs. “Yes. Yes, thank you. I’m fine now. I was just having… having a time.”

There is a long silence as they both sip. She nestles in closer beside him, filling the crook beneath his shoulder so that his arm is almost around her. He is so tall and soft that she feels particularly small and gnarly by comparison but it’s nice, too, being under the protection of someone so big. She wonders how it feels for him, being mothered by someone so small. Speaking of… 

“Caduceus?” She asks at last. “Were you maybe faking a little bit to get me to fuss over you? To calm me down, I mean?”

He laughs, then turns to look down at her with his lovely almond-shaped eyes and his brows in a solemn arch. 

“Well. Lots of people find helping someone else calms them down a lot, so there's that.” He pauses, scrubs at his face with the little sniff-swallow that is becoming more frequent. “I wish I was faking it for you. My nose feels really stuffed now.”

She makes a sympathetic face and is about to move beside him when there is a knock at the door.

It isn't loud, but the suddenness makes her jump as though she was slapped.

Nott feels ice cubes drop down into her gut, a sharp ache at the top of her chest and it's hard to get a good breath and it's starting again oh shit

She looks down, finds her claws pressing too hard into Caduceus' arms, sees his strong hands gently peeling them off. 

“It's okay. It's just Caleb, see? I think the noise made you jump.” He doesn't seem mad.

He's right, it is Caleb coming into the room with his cat in his arms, his ginger hair mussed and lank from the near-drowning, and a worried look that eases somewhat when he sees Nott.

“Ah, there you are.” He says. “Nott, are you okay?”

“She’ll be okay.” Caduceus tells him evenly. “That's good.” This last is directed to her with a warm hand rubbing her back.

Nott comes to herself enough to watch a couple of different expressions drift over her wizard's face. She wonders whether he might even be jealous that it is Caduceus easing her through this, the way she might be jealous if Caleb were to confide in someone else before herself. Talking her down from the panic is usually Caleb's job.

But Caleb doesn't seen to mind exactly.

“It seems I startled you.” Caleb says. “I am very sorry my friend.” 

“It's fine,” She reassures him. “I- it's nothing.”

What she loves about Caleb is that he doesn't force an explanation. He knows that sometimes people's minds don't work quite right and then their bodies follow. He just sinks down to sit beside them on Caduceus' makeshift bed and wraps his arms around Frumpkin, who is purring aggressively. Caleb doesn't look to be in good condition either. He moves as though his joints ache and his expression is deeply unsettled.

The firbolg between them is shivering again. Nott can feel his teeth chattering and apparently Caleb can too because he raises an eyebrow. Caduceus shrugs, pulls one of the blankets from the pile and adds his over his knees. He also sniffles audibly.

“He's getting sick.” Nott tells on him.

“There's no need to be concerned.” Caduceus begins.

“With respect,” Caleb tells him. “I agree with Nott. You don't look so good.”

“With respect,” Caduceus echoes, “neither do you.”

The wizard laughs. “Can we just agree that we all nearly drowned and we all look like shit and today was a really shitty day?”

“It was an incredibly shitty day.” Nott agrees.

She feels calmer now. It's nice, sandwiched into this tiny space with Caleb and Caduceus both together.

“It was a, uh, really quite a day.” Caduceus agrees. “But we all made it our alive and unharmed.”

It's a pity the firbolg has to sneeze immediately after that statement. Caleb doesn't seem to mind.

Nott winces at the sound. So does Caleb, and she notices him squeeze Caduceus' hand.

“Definitely coming down with something.” Caleb remarks. 

Nott tries to give him a told-you-so look but Caduceus looks so worn down that she can’t muster much fire in it. They sit together for a long time, just the three of them, collectively wincing when the ship crests a particularly huge wave. Eventually Caduceus sighs heavily and looks at them both. 

“If you don’t mind, I should probably try and get some sleep.” 

Caleb nods agreement and rises, reaching for Nott’s hand. “Do you think you could try to sleep, Nott? You can come in with me if you want?”

“Sure, I suppose so.” She agrees. She does feel better now but more importantly if she stays up, Caleb will stay up with her, and he needs his sleep or he’ll end up as sick as Caduceus. 

Before leaving she turns back to the firbolg and gives him a firm hug, trying to show her gratitude through the cling of her limbs. Caleb is less demonstrative but his voice is warm as he says, “Rest well.” 

So Caleb leads Nott back up to her cabin, her bony fingers nesting securely in his broader, bandaged-hands. She lets herself be taken. Let Caduceus sleep. 

………

Morning comes, bright and hot and wave-tossed. Nott wakes in Caleb’s hammock, curled over her boy’s legs like a stringy green cat. She takes a moment to assess the situation; they are out on the open sea in a ship filled with untrustworthy pirates, the opportunity to drown is still very present, but she feels a little better today. Her fear is back at it’s usual level;  lurking around the pit of her stomach rather than gripping her throat. Thank whatever gods are out here. 

Then she remembers. How is Caduceus?

He is usually an early riser. She’d expect to find him in the galley knocking up a meal or perhaps standing on the deck and looking out for land with a longing nearly as strong as her own. He must still be in bed. Nott seeks him out. 

Below decks the movement of the ship seems worse somehow. She stumbles whenever the floor pitches under her and makes a conscious effort not to think of fathoms of saltwater underneath her feet. 

Fjord has already vacated their shared quarters, if he even came back at all, and left a pile of blankets on the floor, rucked into a mountain range by the bony angles of a still sleeping Caduceus. Laying down, he is all limbs and knees and shoulder blades. For once she feels grateful for her goblin body, in that it curls in on itself easily. There is just too much firbolg and he is too skinny to make a ball for warmth. He looks like he would if he could. 

She shakes him gently, then harder. “‘Duceus? You in there?”

No answer, though his eyes open. Nott can see a bleary slither of pink which blinks out for an unsteady breath and a sneeze that just wrenches through him. Poor guy.

“I was going to ask how you’re feeling-?”

His answer is another sneeze, well-smothered into a handful of blankets, and a thick sniffle showing he can barely breathe through his nose. “I…” He tilts his head bashfully. “Yeah… that’s about the shape of it.” 

He raises up on one elbow and shakes his head as though testing his focus and finding it wanting. “Wow. Yeah. Not too good.”

“Oh no.” Nott comes to sit beside him and notes the flood of warmth released from under the bedclothes. She agrees. Not good at all. 

“Bit of a fever there, ‘Ducey,” she sighs.

He blinks at her muzzily. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“C’mere.” She crawls over and leans to lay her cheek against his forehead. There is a noticeable warmth, nothing alarming, just enough to make the big guy miserable for a day or two. 

“Mm, that’s nice.”

“Huh? Oh-” She adds her cold little hands to the sides of his face, first the backs and then the palms. “I can do that.”

When he leans in to the touch, she scoots close enough to give him a hug. She wishes her arms were a little longer but he seems to welcome it all the same. 

At that moment, the ship gives an especially noticeable roll. They shudder in unison and look queasily at each other. “I hate this. I can’t wait to be back on dry land.” Nott voices their shared thoughts.

“You and me both.” Caduceus nods. His eyes are weighing closed and he looks weak and shivery. He sniffles and it turns into a persistent, painful cough. 

“You should lie down. See if you can go back to sleep”

He lies down but keeps his eyes open, looking up at her. To Nott he suddenly looks really, tired and really, really sad. 

“Are you feeling worse? Should I get Jester?” 

He shakes his head, swallows hard. She can feel him shiver convulsively despite the warmth of the day. 

“No, no, it’s not that. Don’t tell Jester, she’ll worry and she’ll tell Fjord and he’ll worry. He needs to focus on the ship, he doesn’t have time for this-” a gesture to himself.

Caduceus continues in a husky whisper, “I don’t even mind getting sick, not really. Every creature has periods of weakness and then the Wildmother lifts them through it. But in the Grove, surrounded by my family, with evidence of her power everywhere, it wasn’t so bad. Out here it just…”

“Really sucks.” Nott finishes his thought.

“Yeah. Yeah. It really sucks.” He agrees 

His big eyes gleam with wetness at the corners and it hurts her heart. 

“Can I do anything for you?” Nott frets. “I could make some more tea?”

“Thanks.” He says through chattering teeth. “But I think I’ll just try and sleep it off.” 

 “Okay.” She twists her hands in the hem of her dress for want of something to help him. Maybe she should leave him to his misery. 

The ship is heaves from side to side again. They watch a loose copper coin slide across the floor when the angle changes. Nott grimaces. Her heart kicks in her chest as a unspoken voice says drowning, you’re drowning and you can’t breathe-

“Nott?” Caduceus’ deep voice cuts through the panic. “Would you… stay for a bit?” 

She must have given him some goblin-faced look because he retracts it immediately; “You don’t have to.”

“No, no. I’ll stay. I’d love to stay with you. I don’t want to go up there.” Her own voice is high and scratchy and fast and relieved. She returns to his bedside as though drawn by a magnet to his feverish form. 

Where he lies on his side there is a perfect, Nott-sized hollow made by his bent legs where she can lean her back against him and have a hand free to smooth along his flank. He reaches an arm over her lap to give her a squeeze  then tucks it back under his head, trying to find a way to rest his neck. The simmering, febrile heat of him is not unpleasant for her, though it makes him kick off his blankets. She can hear his breath getting shallower as his fever crests. 

She rises from the embrace only once, to dampen a rag with water from the canteen and lay it carefully on his brow. His eyes crack open and he manages a quiet, “thanks…” without truly surfacing from sleep. The soft, grateful tone nearly breaks her heart. 

Nott settles back at the head of his blanket nest, where she can reach to lift his sweaty hair from his neck. She sifts through it, allowing the breeze to reach his skin. His silken, goat-like ears are pressed back against his head and the effect is rather pitiful, even without the frown pulling down his mouth as he sleeps. 

“I hate seeing you like this.” She says to his drowsing form. “We need you better,’Duceus. Who's going to make us  tea and remind us to eat and be the butt of jokes they don’t really understand?”

Caduceus must be more awake than she realised, because he turns his head to her. His eyes have a glassy sheen that make them look more like costume jewellery than rare sapphires. It’s not right at all. But he does manage a smile. 

“S’alright.” He slurs sleepily. “We can’t stay on the sea forever. And I’ll be okay. I’ve got all of you. And you’ve got me…” 

He rolls over. Nott feels some tension she wasn’t aware of leaving her body. Maybe she could sleep too, just for a little.

At different times during the morning, both Caleb and Fjord crack open the door to the cabin. Greeted by the sight of two unlikely bedfellows, they carefully push it closed again and turn away. Lots of things are going wrong for the Mighty Nein, but they are doing right by each other. That’s a comfort. 

t has been hours since they left the water. 

Whole hours, which means Nott is fine, she is safe, everything is fine and she did not drown and she can breathe just fine. So why then are her lungs still working like she'll never breathe again? 

She knows this feeling, knows it just her body telling her she's dying when she's quite safe here in hammock on the Squall Eater. She's felt it a thousand times, knows it always passes, but it's horrible horrible horrible.

Where's Caleb? Where's Frumpkin?

In their own hammock, with the cat curled tight on the wizard's own chest. He doesn't look exactly peaceful either, but they are asleep. If they were in an inn or camped outside she would take her own place on his chest, or at his feet, and let his steady breathing remind her own lungs how they are supposed to work. Perhaps she could climb up there with him? 

The motion of sitting up sets her hammock rocking in a way that reminds her immediately of the waves below. Nausea rises in her throat. 

She could certainly climb in and sleep with Caleb but that would rock the hammock even more, and between their two bodies the cloth would constrict her limbs and maybe she couldn't climb out of it easily and- no, not that then. That's not the answer.

Nott leaps from her own cocoon of blanket and paces the floor, hand on her chest to remind her to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

She slips out of the door. Let Caleb rest. He needs it.

In the narrow, dark passages below the deck she takes stock.

Caleb? Asleep.

Jester? Most likely asleep but wouldn't mind being woken.

Beau and Yasha? Most likely asleep and would mind being woken.

Fjord? Would also mind being woken. Not asleep but with Avantika, getting his rocks off most likely. That leaves…

Caduceus? Most likely asleep?

As she paces past the cabin she knows the Firbolg shares with Fjord, Nott listens hard. She expects to hear slow even breaths, but instead she can hear the a tall body moving around and the rustle of fabric. A sniffle, a set of ticklish coughs and a muffled exhalation that might have been a sneeze.

Not asleep then.

She enters without knocking.

There is a hurricane lamp it and in it's flicker she can see the firbolg sitting on the floor on a pile of blankets. Of course he is far too tall to take a hammock. He is shirtless and the glow picks out pools of shadow beneath his collarbones, a smear of deeper grey between every rib in his thin chest.

 “Nott!” he looks up, surprised. “Is everything ok?”

“Yes, no, I'm-” her breathing hiccups and her vision gets spotty from lack of oxygen. Maybe she stumbles, because she is caught by strong hands and settled to sit beside him on the floor.

“Whoah. Hey there.” His deep voice is gentle but clear. “Why don't you take some deep breaths. Like this, with me.”

He takes her hand in his and presses it to the broad plain of his chest, so that she can feel the slow rise and fall in her own body.

“That's it. Nice and steady.”

It's hard. It's really, really hard when her body says can't you see you're dying. Mastering her breath is like reigning in a galloping horse. But it will work. She knows it will work if she can just get control of it. Ignore her heart, ignore the way her the room seems to tilt, ignore the nausea and the terrible skin- tightening panic.

Trouble is, there's a fine line between deepening her breathing and focusing on it too much. She wants to be aware of it, but if she gives all her attention to the sensations they will become too much to bear. In Nott's mind she grasps for ways to make the situation normal, to find something, anything to make small talk about.

Caduceus helpfully provides it by tucking his head away for a sudden sneeze.

“Gesundheit!” she offers. The routine response momentarily overrides her panic. It happens again and he offers a sheepish sniffle as he turns back to her.

“Pardon. Got a lot of water in my nose today.” He sniffles. “You want me to count your breaths for you? Some people find that helps.”

Nott considers and shakes her head. “Can we- talk to me- about something else? Anything?”

“Sure I can.” 

He agrees easily, without questioning her further. At that moment, she could kiss him. It must be working with so many people who are grieving- he is really, really good at this, and launches into easy, light conversation that doesn't require a meaningful response. He just chats away as he picks up the towel he was using to try and buff at his fur.

She can see how that the longer patches of are spiked, like a plush velvet cloak that should definitely not have been washed in salt water. The shortest parts around his face and arms are dry but the rest of his fur still holds the water.

“I know it's tropical out there but I can't get warm till it's dry.” He tells her, sniffling again.

 “You should definitely dry off or you'll get sick.” She comments absently.

“You don't get a cold from being wet and cold,” Caduceus tells Nott.

“Says you.” She fires back, desperately glad to put her attention on any subject other than her recent near drowning and the way still can't seem to get a proper breath. Her heart hammers uncomfortably in her throat but it seems further away when she has something to focus on.

“Yeah. says me. I'm the h- the heal-er-”

Nott hears his usually deep voice go all tickly and shuddery as he winds up for another sneeze. He looks so over it afterwards that it makes her heart flip but it's a soft caring flip not a drowning, panicking flip and it actually makes her chest feel warmer. She grabs the towel from beside him and stands, so that his pink hair is level with her chest.

“Come on, let me dry you off. Don't you know any spells for that?”

“I don't. And I don't fancy asking Caleb to try a fireball, so we'll have to do it the old fashioned way.” He shakes his head under the towel.

Nott can feel the firbolg shivering under her ministrations. In response she begins to buff the towel down his shoulders and upper arms, then follows by rubbing with the palms of her hands to try and get the circulation back. The sensation of silk-velvet fur beneath her palms is so delightful that she is no longer sure whether she is doing it for his comfort or hers.

“That's really nice.” He comments, closing his eyes and tipping his head forward with a huffing sigh.

“You're freezing. You should put a shirt on. And a sweater. And socks. Do you even own socks?” She fusses.

Caduceus laughs. “You'd make a good mom.”

 “I'm-”

He notices how her shoulders rise back up to her ears and diverts, “Okay, okay, clearly that's a conversation for another day!”

“Yeah. Thanks. Sorry.” Nott manages. 

She can deepen her breathing by herself now. After the initial gasp she gets when she thinks about her family, memories of caring for her son do actually make her calmer. There was that same coolness in a crisis that she is feeling now. Not that this is a crisis, but the vulnerability she feels in Caduceus is quieting her own worries to a dull roar and she likes it that way. At least the fur on his torso is mostly dry now. It is standing up fluffier than usual and he seems to be shivering less. She did that. That's something.

Caduceus runs his own hands over his arms, assessing, and clearly her efforts will suffice because he puts a dry shirt on leans back against the side of the ship. He isn't entirely relaxed however, Nott can see his nostrils twitching while a little furrow deepens between his brows.

“Caduceus?” She asks.

His answer is to double forwards with a wrenching sneeze and then another, barely smothered against the crook of his arm. Nott winces. That sounded... wet. She casts around the little room to find a handkerchief. It might technically be Fjord's but she doesn't suppose he'll mind, especially when the alternative is a very sniffly room-mate.

“Here.” She presses it into his hand. He casts her grateful look, sidelong over the press of his wrist to his nose.

Standing up and searching the room felt good. Doing things for someone else feels good. As Caduceus blows sheepishly, inspiration strikes.

“I'm going to make you some tea!” She declares.

Her companion frowns slightly. “I can make it-” he begins. Stops. Sees the slightly frantic good will in her eyes and just nods slowly. “Sure. That'd be nice. Thanks Nott.”

He still uses his magic to heat the kettle but he lets Nott set out his beloved cups, marvelling that they had not broken on the voyage. He shows her to some pre-made blends in pouches and lets her do the rest, leaning back against the wall and letting his heavy head droop.

  Nott is fastidiously careful as she handles Caduceus' most precious possessions. She can't quite believe he is actually letting her manage the process herself. It is kind of a gift, she realises.

She watches him critically as he takes the cup from here. Did his hands shake just a little? Her keen eyes spot a tiny wince with each swallow.

“Does your throat hurt?”

“Yeah, a little. The tea will help, I think.”

“Let me just-” Before he can protest, she reaches to feel his forehead for a fever.

Even with him sitting she has to stretch to reach. His brow is broader than the length of her hand. She thinks his dove-grey makes her green skin look more emerald than muddy, for once.

There's no heat there, that she can tell. She switches her palm for the back of her hand and then as an extra measure applies it to the side of his neck. Nothing to feel but soft, slightly damp firbolg. He looks at her curiously.

“No fever.” She tells him. “Yet. So I don't think you have what Beau had. But I'm keeping an eye on you.”

“I’ll bear that it mind.” He agrees mildly, and sips his tea. He knows full well he hasn't got whatever magical malaria had briefly sunk it's teeth into their human companion- he had a word with the biting insects and politely asked them to back off. 

Nott is satisfied with her work and comes to sit beside him with her own cup of tea, and she seems to finally have settled.

“Nott?” He asks. “Feeling calmer now?”

She draws a breath and makes a mental check of her heart, her lungs. “Yes. Yes, thank you. I’m fine now. I was just having… having a time.”

There is a long silence as they both sip. She nestles in closer beside him, filling the crook beneath his shoulder so that his arm is almost around her. He is so tall and soft that she feels particularly small and gnarly by comparison but it’s nice, too, being under the protection of someone so big. She wonders how it feels for him, being mothered by someone so small. Speaking of… 

“Caduceus?” She asks at last. “Were you maybe faking a little bit to get me to fuss over you? To calm me down, I mean?”

He laughs, then turns to look down at her with his lovely almond-shaped eyes and his brows in a solemn arch. 

“Well. Lots of people find helping someone else calms them down a lot, so there's that.” He pauses, scrubs at his face with the little sniff-swallow that is becoming more frequent. “I wish I was faking it for you. My nose feels really stuffed now.”

She makes a sympathetic face and is about to move beside him when there is a knock at the door.

It isn't loud, but the suddenness makes her jump as though she was slapped.

Nott feels ice cubes drop down into her gut, a sharp ache at the top of her chest and it's hard to get a good breath and it's starting again oh shit

She looks down, finds her claws pressing too hard into Caduceus' arms, sees his strong hands gently peeling them off. 

“It's okay. It's just Caleb, see? I think the noise made you jump.” He doesn't seem mad.

He's right, it is Caleb coming into the room with his cat in his arms, his ginger hair mussed and lank from the near-drowning, and a worried look that eases somewhat when he sees Nott.

“Ah, there you are.” He says. “Nott, are you okay?”

“She’ll be okay.” Caduceus tells him evenly. “That's good.” This last is directed to her with a warm hand rubbing her back.

Nott comes to herself enough to watch a couple of different expressions drift over her wizard's face. She wonders whether he might even be jealous that it is Caduceus easing her through this, the way she might be jealous if Caleb were to confide in someone else before herself. Talking her down from the panic is usually Caleb's job.

But Caleb doesn't seen to mind exactly.

“It seems I startled you.” Caleb says. “I am very sorry my friend.” 

“It's fine,” She reassures him. “I- it's nothing.”

What she loves about Caleb is that he doesn't force an explanation. He knows that sometimes people's minds don't work quite right and then their bodies follow. He just sinks down to sit beside them on Caduceus' makeshift bed and wraps his arms around Frumpkin, who is purring aggressively. Caleb doesn't look to be in good condition either. He moves as though his joints ache and his expression is deeply unsettled.

The firbolg between them is shivering again. Nott can feel his teeth chattering and apparently Caleb can too because he raises an eyebrow. Caduceus shrugs, pulls one of the blankets from the pile and adds his over his knees. He also sniffles audibly.

“He's getting sick.” Nott tells on him.

“There's no need to be concerned.” Caduceus begins.

“With respect,” Caleb tells him. “I agree with Nott. You don't look so good.”

“With respect,” Caduceus echoes, “neither do you.”

The wizard laughs. “Can we just agree that we all nearly drowned and we all look like shit and today was a really shitty day?”

“It was an incredibly shitty day.” Nott agrees.

She feels calmer now. It's nice, sandwiched into this tiny space with Caleb and Caduceus both together.

“It was a, uh, really quite a day.” Caduceus agrees. “But we all made it our alive and unharmed.”

It's a pity the firbolg has to sneeze immediately after that statement. Caleb doesn't seem to mind.

Nott winces at the sound. So does Caleb, and she notices him squeeze Caduceus' hand.

“Definitely coming down with something.” Caleb remarks. 

Nott tries to give him a told-you-so look but Caduceus looks so worn down that she can’t muster much fire in it. They sit together for a long time, just the three of them, collectively wincing when the ship crests a particularly huge wave. Eventually Caduceus sighs heavily and looks at them both. 

“If you don’t mind, I should probably try and get some sleep.” 

Caleb nods agreement and rises, reaching for Nott’s hand. “Do you think you could try to sleep, Nott? You can come in with me if you want?”

“Sure, I suppose so.” She agrees. She does feel better now but more importantly if she stays up, Caleb will stay up with her, and he needs his sleep or he’ll end up as sick as Caduceus. 

Before leaving she turns back to the firbolg and gives him a firm hug, trying to show her gratitude through the cling of her limbs. Caleb is less demonstrative but his voice is warm as he says, “Rest well.” 

So Caleb leads Nott back up to her cabin, her bony fingers nesting securely in his broader, bandaged-hands. She lets herself be taken. Let Caduceus sleep. 

………

Morning comes, bright and hot and wave-tossed. Nott wakes in Caleb’s hammock, curled over her boy’s legs like a stringy green cat. She takes a moment to assess the situation; they are out on the open sea in a ship filled with untrustworthy pirates, the opportunity to drown is still very present, but she feels a little better today. Her fear is back at it’s usual level;  lurking around the pit of her stomach rather than gripping her throat. Thank whatever gods are out here. 

Then she remembers. How is Caduceus?

He is usually an early riser. She’d expect to find him in the galley knocking up a meal or perhaps standing on the deck and looking out for land with a longing nearly as strong as her own. He must still be in bed. Nott seeks him out. 

Below decks the movement of the ship seems worse somehow. She stumbles whenever the floor pitches under her and makes a conscious effort not to think of fathoms of saltwater underneath her feet. 

Fjord has already vacated their shared quarters, if he even came back at all, and left a pile of blankets on the floor, rucked into a mountain range by the bony angles of a still sleeping Caduceus. Laying down, he is all limbs and knees and shoulder blades. For once she feels grateful for her goblin body, in that it curls in on itself easily. There is just too much firbolg and he is too skinny to make a ball for warmth. He looks like he would if he could. 

She shakes him gently, then harder. “‘Duceus? You in there?”

No answer, though his eyes open. Nott can see a bleary slither of pink which blinks out for an unsteady breath and a sneeze that just wrenches through him. Poor guy.

“I was going to ask how you’re feeling-?”

His answer is another sneeze, well-smothered into a handful of blankets, and a thick sniffle showing he can barely breathe through his nose. “I…” He tilts his head bashfully. “Yeah… that’s about the shape of it.” 

He raises up on one elbow and shakes his head as though testing his focus and finding it wanting. “Wow. Yeah. Not too good.”

“Oh no.” Nott comes to sit beside him and notes the flood of warmth released from under the bedclothes. She agrees. Not good at all. 

“Bit of a fever there, ‘Ducey,” she sighs.

He blinks at her muzzily. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“C’mere.” She crawls over and leans to lay her cheek against his forehead. There is a noticeable warmth, nothing alarming, just enough to make the big guy miserable for a day or two. 

“Mm, that’s nice.”

“Huh? Oh-” She adds her cold little hands to the sides of his face, first the backs and then the palms. “I can do that.”

When he leans in to the touch, she scoots close enough to give him a hug. She wishes her arms were a little longer but he seems to welcome it all the same. 

At that moment, the ship gives an especially noticeable roll. They shudder in unison and look queasily at each other. “I hate this. I can’t wait to be back on dry land.” Nott voices their shared thoughts.

“You and me both.” Caduceus nods. His eyes are weighing closed and he looks weak and shivery. He sniffles and it turns into a persistent, painful cough. 

“You should lie down. See if you can go back to sleep”

He lies down but keeps his eyes open, looking up at her. To Nott he suddenly looks really, tired and really, really sad. 

“Are you feeling worse? Should I get Jester?” 

He shakes his head, swallows hard. She can feel him shiver convulsively despite the warmth of the day. 

“No, no, it’s not that. Don’t tell Jester, she’ll worry and she’ll tell Fjord and he’ll worry. He needs to focus on the ship, he doesn’t have time for this-” a gesture to himself.

Caduceus continues in a husky whisper, “I don’t even mind getting sick, not really. Every creature has periods of weakness and then the Wildmother lifts them through it. But in the Grove, surrounded by my family, with evidence of her power everywhere, it wasn’t so bad. Out here it just…”

��Really sucks.” Nott finishes his thought.

“Yeah. Yeah. It really sucks.” He agrees 

His big eyes gleam with wetness at the corners and it hurts her heart. 

“Can I do anything for you?” Nott frets. “I could make some more tea?”

“Thanks.” He says through chattering teeth. “But I think I’ll just try and sleep it off.” 

 “Okay.” She twists her hands in the hem of her dress for want of something to help him. Maybe she should leave him to his misery. 

The ship is heaves from side to side again. They watch a loose copper coin slide across the floor when the angle changes. Nott grimaces. Her heart kicks in her chest as a unspoken voice says drowning, you’re drowning and you can’t breathe-

“Nott?” Caduceus’ deep voice cuts through the panic. “Would you… stay for a bit?” 

She must have given him some goblin-faced look because he retracts it immediately; “You don’t have to.”

“No, no. I’ll stay. I’d love to stay with you. I don’t want to go up there.” Her own voice is high and scratchy and fast and relieved. She returns to his bedside as though drawn by a magnet to his feverish form. 

Where he lies on his side there is a perfect, Nott-sized hollow made by his bent legs where she can lean her back against him and have a hand free to smooth along his flank. He reaches an arm over her lap to give her a squeeze  then tucks it back under his head, trying to find a way to rest his neck. The simmering, febrile heat of him is not unpleasant for her, though it makes him kick off his blankets. She can hear his breath getting shallower as his fever crests. 

She rises from the embrace only once, to dampen a rag with water from the canteen and lay it carefully on his brow. His eyes crack open and he manages a quiet, “thanks…” without truly surfacing from sleep. The soft, grateful tone nearly breaks her heart. 

Nott settles back at the head of his blanket nest, where she can reach to lift his sweaty hair from his neck. She sifts through it, allowing the breeze to reach his skin. His silken, goat-like ears are pressed back against his head and the effect is rather pitiful, even without the frown pulling down his mouth as he sleeps. 

“I hate seeing you like this.” She says to his drowsing form. “We need you better, ’Duceus. Who's going to make us  tea and remind us to eat and be the butt of jokes they don’t really understand?”

Caduceus must be more awake than she realised, because he turns his head to her. His eyes have a glassy sheen that make them look more like costume jewellery than rare sapphires. It’s not right at all. But he does manage a smile. 

“S’alright.” He slurs sleepily. “We can’t stay on the sea forever. And I’ll be okay. I’ve got all of you. And you’ve got me…” 

He rolls over. Nott feels some tension she wasn’t aware of leaving her body. Maybe she could sleep too, just for a little.

At different times during the morning, both Caleb and Fjord crack open the door to the cabin. Greeted by the sight of two unlikely bedfellows, they carefully push it closed again and turn away. Lots of things are going wrong for the Mighty Nein, but they are doing right by each other. That’s a comfort. 

END.

Thanks for coming with me on this wild ride. I’m not spelling out sneezes these days, idk why.

[storiesofwildfire]

Hard Life Updates & Hiatus Notice--

I’ve been putting off writing this for a while ( since Monday, really ). Partly because I’m so tired and my brain is having a hard time focusing on anything that takes legitimate effort, and partly because writing this sort of means that I’m finally acknowledging and accepting the reality of what’s happened.

I’m going to put the rest of this under a read-more. Please know that I talk about some potentially triggering content beneath the cut ( including pet death & mentions of covid19 ), but if you’d like to know the details of why I’ll be temporarily gone, feel free to read.

Back at the beginning of March, I lost my eldest of two cats to kidney failure. Pooter had been around for all of my teen life and all of my adult life. She saw me through the biggest and hardest parts of my life and losing her was really traumatic, but I still had a second cat, Monster, to look after, and she helped me through that otherwise really difficult time. 

Unfortunately, Monster has been dealing with reoccurring ear polyps for years now. For the most part, we managed to contain them and keep her healthy, but that last few months have been very difficult for her. She developed a really nasty inner ear infection, went through a few stints of malnourishment when the medication she was on was too much for her system and caused her so much discomfort, she stopped eating. She was touch and go for a while, but eventually made such a remarkable recovery, I really did think she would be okay.

Sadly, the turn around wasn’t enough. The infection only grew worse and eventually, she developed a growth that would need to be removed by extensive surgery that several vets and a surgeon didn’t think she would actually survive. Because of the growth and how bad the infection was, they didn’t believe she would actually beat the infection, and the only thing that could save her was a surgery that would likely kill her in the process.

On Monday, May 11th, we had to put Monster down.

This was... honestly so traumatic because I always feared that once Pooter went, Monster wouldn’t be far behind her because Monster always had Pooter around. Monster was several years younger than her, so I always chalked that up to paranoia, but now that I’m living with the reality that I’ve lost both of my cats in the course of two months or so...

It’s been hard.

Hard is kind of an understatement, honestly. With the world in the condition it’s in--when everyone is suffering and struggling with mental health issues and financial issues and feelings of helplessness, my cats were companions to me, helped comfort me and keep me grounded, and reminded me to be thankful for the small things. It is... so difficult to wake up and have a house that for the first time in 15 years, has no animals in it at all. 

I’m honestly really struggling. This, on top of every other thing that’s going on, has been really traumatic. For a couple of days, I shut down completely, didn’t talk to anyone, and any time I tried to focus on anything or think about something relating to Monster, my brain just turned off and put me to sleep. I’m slowly pulling myself out of that, but I know that I’m nowhere near better or okay. 

That’s why I’ve decided to put my blogs on hiatus for the time being. I don’t honestly know how long this is going to last. If I feel like I want to be here and I log on to do a few things, I absolutely will, but I just... need time to heal and not worry about what’s going on here. I need time to process, grieve, and adjust to these very sudden and drastic changes. I need time to not be okay. I was already having a really difficult time after Pooter’s death and with the quarantine and everything, my ability to focus was really coming and going. Losing Monster too has just shoved me in a state where I need to focus on getting myself into a better mindset and taking care of me and my family members who were also impacted by the loss of our fur babies. 

I’m not, by any means, leaving for good. Honestly, how could I? I’ve been dedicated to Loki since 2012 and Tumblr rp since before that, but for now, I really need to not worry about keeping up with things here. As I said, if I feel up to it, I will log on, but otherwise, I’ll be pretty quiet here. 

I do have discord and it’s available for mutuals upon request. I’ll likely be quiet there too, but I’ll be a lot easier to get ahold of there.

Thank you all for understanding and being patient with me. The last couple of years have been particularly difficult for me and my family between job loss, several very difficult moves, a serious health scare, and so on... so I know my activity has gone in and out of focus for a while now, but this is just... so much worse than anything I could have imagined.

To Monster,

You were one of the most loving animals I ever had the pleasure of bonding with. While you sometimes drove me crazy with trying to steal my food while I was eating it or climbing into the sink full of dishes, or climbing on top of the cabinets, knocking everything over in the process, you were so special and full of a kitten-like life that never faded. You never failed to make me smile. Whenever I needed you, you were right there, insisting on laying on me no matter how many times I moved or tried to shoo you away because you were too warm or putting too much pressure on one paw. I told you every single day how much I loved you and I hope I gave you the best life I could. I hope you knew how much I loved you and how much you meant to me.

My dad gave you to me on my sixteenth birthday and I will never forget how he handed you to me, so small you could fit into a single hand, and how you laid down on my thigh and slept on me for hours despite never meeting me before. We shared a bond that can never be replaced and I miss you so much. My brain can’t even process or accept that you aren’t here. I keep expecting to see you curled up at the end of my bed or face first in your food dish. You will always be in my heart and thank you for the amazing years we shared. You were truly one of a kind.

                    -- Your Human

I’m going to post some pictures of Monster, just like I did of Pooter back in March:

[lefaystrent]

LeFay’s Masterlist

Here’s a list of all of my Sanders Sides stories. There’s a lot down there. Lots of pairings, lots of genres. Don’t get lost.

ONE-SHOTS 

20biteen??? – Patton’s really confused and Logan’s just trying to make a sandwich.

A demon? In my attic? More likely than you think --  “Well that’s what happens when your dad asks you to clean the attic and it’s filled with a bunch of junk from his wiccan days,” Virgil explained, though from the demon’s pinched expression the explanation left a lot to be desired.

A Dire Situation -  Logan tries not to make a single move or sound. His whole body coils tight with tension, knowing that the animal can strike at any moment. (additional parts can be found here)

A Storm Rolled into Town -  It’s not like Virgil meant to become famous anyway. It just sorta happened. And now he’s shopping in some small-town mom-and-pop store on a weekday morning. Despite wearing the hood of his jacket up and perhaps looking the more conspicuous for it, he can sense that someone somewhere in this store is watching him.

Ashes –Three months ago, Roman returned home to find the house that he shared with his younger brothers up in flames.

Baby you’re a Firework - “Patton is MY best friend!” you screamed, and then you looked to me with those eyes. How else was I supposed to react other than to tell you that we would be together forever? Logicality

Beneath the Boughs –The feeling of tender fingertips tracing from his jaw to his temple made him want to run through fields, but he wouldn’t move an inch away from this spot for anything in the world. Royality

Curiosity – Deceit’s mission to annoy Logan somehow involves sharing a bed with him and refusing to leave. Logan doesn’t really mind. Loceit

Death of a Bachelor - Virgil invites a bunch of billionaires to his fake wedding with his roommate, Logan. He doesn’t expect one of them to actually agree to go. 

Dino – Patton visits his local library one day and meets the librarian Logan, a man who loves dinosaurs.

Down by the Pier – Patton lives by the ocean. He likes to go sit out on the pier because the view is sweet but the company is even sweeter. Moxiety

Every Friday Night – “There’s a cat? In the sink?” Virgil said. platonic LAMP

Existentialism – Patton is a demon and really bad at it.

Five Times – There were five times that Virgil’s path crossed with Logan Sanders. Each time memorable, each time helping to shape Virgil into the kind of person he wants to be. platonic Analogical

Flutter and Fall – Virgil doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but he wonders if you can fall in love with a moment. Prinxiety

Happy Birthday, Virgil – Logan tends to take things literally.

Heartbeat – Roman’s out on the hunt for prey. He gets more than he bargained for.

Heartbeat AU – More info on the story.

Hello Mr. Spider -  He’s heard the screams of people whenever they lay eyes on him. They take one look at him, this monstrous being with too many limbs and eyes, and they quiver in fear and tears. He doesn’t blame them. He hides himself away, hoping to never hear those horrified screams. Moxiety

Hello Again -  Humans trespassed into the church occasionally. Some during the day, most of them at night. Never did humans come two nights in a row. Moxiety (Sequel to “Hello Mr. Spider”)

Hold On -  He felt someone grip the sleeve of his shirt. Logan looked to his side where Deceit stood, holding onto him. platonic Loceit

How to be a Good Person - “There’s an unconscious man in my flowerbed. What should I do with him?” Dee should be used to getting phone calls from his brother needing help. brotherly Moceit

I got to pet the dog -  Patton gets distracted easily. Virgil doesn’t have the heart to tell him he’s supposed to be working.

I met God last night - Predictably, Patton looked up to stare at Virgil. He set aside his scrapbook, clasped his hands together, and said, “Okay, I’m listening.” platonic Moxiety

I wanna intimi(date) you — Virgil teaches Patton to be more intimidating. It doesn’t go very well.

In a magical kingdom far away… —  The evil Lord Of Logic descends on the land, forcing all it touches to obey the laws of physics.

It’s hot – Virgil won’t take off the jacket.

Love Isn’t Blind – Patton notices a lot more than what people think he does.

Never Too Old – Patton worked as a manager at a toy store in the mall. Lately, the employees were noticing a reoccurring customer. Well, if you could call him a customer. He never actually bought anything. platonic Moxiety

Picture That –  “What are you doing?” Patton says between a flurry of giggles. He lifts the book he’d been reading to half hide his face. Roman dances around him snapping pictures as if Patton is a model. Royality

Piggyback – It’s late, and Patton’s falling asleep on the couch. Virgil’s not used to being the responsible one. Moxiety

Potatoes – Virgil has worries for days, but there’s only one thing that truly scares him. Moxiety

Rewrite – So here Roman is, lying by the sidewalk, very much not okay. Not because the local squirrels ostracized him, and not because he’d tripped or some such unfortunate mishap. No, he just has a lot on his mind. Prinxiety

Ribbit – Two lab partners and one dead frog do not make for the most romantic atmosphere but Roman tries. Logince

Roamin’ Nights -  Not that anyone’s looking right now, but Virgil’s glad that it’s dark in the kitchen, lest the color in his cheeks show. Roman’s not usually this affectionate with Virgil. Makes him wonder if he even realizes that this is Virgil he’s basically trying to use as a pillow. Prinxiety

Round and round we go – Logan stood there long after the commotion began outside, the one where everyone realized what had happened and were running to help and call an ambulance.

Sacrificial rituals and other fun activities – Virgil was a mage—one of the best. He’d seen a lot of things, but a handsome man chained up in the middle of a field? Even he had to take a moment. Prinxiety

Shark Attack! -  “I could be wrong here, but I’m pretty sure sharks don’t attack their victims with hugs.” platonic Moxiety

Sicky Icky – Most people assumed Roman would eat up all the attention he could get even when sick. They’d expect loud dramatics and Roman acting like he was dying every minute of it. That’s not how he was at all. Logince

Side-by-side – Virgil’s tired. Moxiety

So help me, I’m not moving from this spot – Virgil has the day off from work and chooses to spend it in true Virgil style. Queer platonic LAMP

Soft Prinxiety – Literally just a softy prinxiety scene. Prinxiety

Some Days – Some days are better than others, and some aren’t. These are Virgil’s days in the mindscape.

Someday I’ll find my way home -  Love cut deep and left scars on the heart. The heart never quite beat the same way again afterward. Analogical

Supposed to be – People get locked into a certain kind of perspective and decide what kind of person you’re supposed to be. Patton is frustrated.

Take Over the World - There’s not much else to do in the Mindscape for Deceit and the Duke.

That one time Deceit played hero in the mindscape – Deceit goes to the common rooms to find that everyone…is acting too much like themselves.

The Hug Booth -  In Patton’s free time, he had a booth set up somewhere on campus and he’d go sit there. The booth advertised ‘free hugs’.

The Ties that Bind – Everyone has a soulmate. Even the ones who probably shouldn’t. Logicality

This is the police! – “This is the police! Open up! Tell me something about yourself, don’t be afraid.” Prinxiety

Ties - Roman and Patton try to persuade Logan to wear a bow tie. Logan is uncooperative. romantic LAMP

Trances – The sides go into trance-like states sometimes.

Trouble in Tiny Town -  Logan is six inches tall. And somehow the human is the one cowering in fear.

Useless gays are useless – Patton is shirtless and Roman and Virgil are very, very gay. Roman/Patton/Virgil

Stil Gay -  Roman and Virgil are still thirsty gays, and Patton is a tall drink of water. One night of tv watching with his roommates leads to none of them paying attention to the tv. Roman/Patton/Virgil (Sequel to “Useless gays are useless”)

Wake up call -  There’s a muffled siren blaring from outside somewhere. He can feel the time slipping between his fingers.

We are family~ - “Patton,” Logan called. He stood in the doorway, stern-faced for a moment before slumping forward with a pout. “I require physical affection.” platonic LAMP

MULTI-CHAPS

Analogince - What started as a list of headcanons became a story of how three men fell together. part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

Dog Days – In the midst of grieving for his beloved pet, comfort comes to Thomas in a curiously small form. platonic LAMP/Thomas, borrower!sides 

If you have nightmares, we’ll dance on the bed - Fae thrived on chaos and the fear that came with it. Well, most of them anyway. Virgil never really shared that sentiment. (Or alternatively, the story of how Virgil loves humans so much that he makes stupid decisions because of it, like save princes from attempted assassinations.)

Kid!Logan AU – Logan somehow finds himself back in time, waking up in his eleven-year old body.

Reverse Kid!Logan AU –  Roman just wanted a normal babysitting job. Now he’s caught up in debunking why he sees five-year-old Logan Sanders as if he were a grown man. part one , part two

Lifeline – Long ago, when his sides first started showing up, Thomas had pondered long and hard about reality versus imagination. But this? It became more apparent that Patton was carding his hand through Thomas’s hair. It was as if any of his friends were doing it, so tangible it was. Tangible in a way that shouldn’t be possible. platonic LAMP/Thomas

Nursing Home AU -  Patton had seen Virgil during the hiring process, and his personality didn’t seem like a … good fit. Too closed-off and kinda gruff, and probably not a good bedside manner, right? Plus there was that criminal record to consider… But he’s hired anyway, and Virgil joins the staff.

Psychic Therapist Virgil – Virgil’s not your run-of-the-mill therapist. part one, part two

Roses – The humans steer clear from the forest, warning their children with every generation, “Do not stray into those woods. They will devour you.” But it’s modern times now, fairy tales aren’t real, and Virgil and his friends have just moved into town and want to investigate the ‘haunted’ forest.

Variants – Patton was surprised by the mutant breaking into the jewelry store one night. And by break in, he meant that they seeped into shadows and appeared on the other side of the windows without breaking anything at all.

Weclome to the Neighborhood –Virgil’s really bad at peopling, or so his new neighbors find out. Prinxiety

Witch Way -  Virgil just wants to live a quiet life with his familiar, Logan. But we can’t always get what we want.

[heylookafanfic]

Pairing: Joyce x Mall Gang x Byers! Reader

brief summary: You and the gang are fighting the Mindflayer in the mall but things take a unexpected turn for the worst.

word count: 1.7k words requested: Nope, original! (send in those requests!) warnings: death, finding out a loved one is hurt, mentions of blood, injury, cursing, losing consciousness

You, Mike and Max had stayed behind at the mall to take care of El after an impromptu open leg surgery to get the mini-flayer out. Joyce and Hop were off to turn off the portal to the UpsideDown. Dustin and Erica went to contact Suzy. Lucas, Will, Jonathan, Nancy, Steve, and Robbin were out, driving the MindFlayer as far as possible from town. That is, until it made a u-turn and head back to the mall.

The three of you were walking out to the parking lot, supporting El in-between Max and Mike.

“What the hell does this thing even look like?” you asked Mike

“It looks like a spider but a million times bigger” he responded

“It’s bigger than the one at the hospital?!” Max asked

“Yeah” Mike said

El let out a groan

“We’re almost there El. I promise we-”

Suddenly, Billy emerged from his burning car and spotted you.

“Shit, go, go, go, go!!” Mike panicked

You all ran back into the mall, trying to find a safe place to hide.

“I’ll hold him off” Max said

“No! I’ll do it!” you said

“What?! No! Nobody’s leaving!” said Mike

“Don’t fight me on this. Max, stay with them and keep going!” you said

They pause and give you a concerned look

“GO!” you shouted

Just as they got out of view, Billy burst in. He was eyeing you down yet, you didn’t break eye contact. You were scared but you sure as hell wasn’t gonna let to show.

“Where are they?” he growled

“Go fuck yourself Hargrove” you spat

Grabbing you by your throat, he slammed you against the wall and your head hit first, making a loud thud as you fell. Luckily, it wasn’t enough to make you unconscious. Brushing yourself off, you ran and attempted to drop kick him. You might as well just kicked a pile of cinderblocks because that’s what it felt like. Billy wasn’t phased by it and kept walking toward the kids. You ran out the back door and into the parking lot.

“Y/N!” a voice yelled

You turned around to find Lucas, Will, Jonathan, Nancy, Steve and Robbin. They caught up with you, arms full of fireworks and jogged into the entrance of the mall.

“What happened to your plan?” you asked

“Mr. Mindflayer decided he wanted to come back” Lucas said

“What do we do now?”

“We got a plan but it may or may not work”

“Okay? What is it?” you ask

“How far can you throw?”

Suddenly, Max and Mike shot out of Scoops Ahoy in a panic.

“Hey! Up here!” Max shouted

Everyone ran up the flight of stairs, meeting the two.

“Where’s El?” Jonathan asked

“Billy took her!”

“What?! I thought you were with her the whole time!” said Steve

“We were but he nearly killed us for her” said Mike

The ground began to shake. Will looked up at the glass ceiling of the food court.

“GO! GO! GO! GO!” Jonathan yelled

Armed with fireworks, the gang took position on the top level of the mall, hiding behind trash cans, store signs, and plastic plants for cover. The MindFlayer is here and boy is this going to be one hell of a story to tell after it’s dead and gone. The monster that overtook lil ‘ol Hawkins, Indiana was live and in the flesh. Hearing it’s ear shattering wails, you take a deep breath in. Steve looked at you from his hiding spot.

“You okay Y/N?” he mouthed

You were still a bit disoriented from hitting your head but, you didn’t want to sit this one out. You exhaled and nodded.

He gave you a thumbs up and waited for the cue.

El was inches away from being MindFlayer food and tensions were high.

Steve counted.

One.

Tw-

“FLEE THIS, YOU UGLY PIECE OF SHIT!” Lucas yells as he chucks a lit firework at the monster

It explodes and knocks the MindFlayer off balance and into a support beam.

Everybody beings throwing their fireworks one by one. From firecrackers to Black Cats, the monster takes a bit of damage but, not enough to kill it. This was your first encounter with the mindflayer but, if it meant saving the world from complete destruction, you might as well give it all you got. You have a limited arsenal of explosives and so does the rest of the gang but it seemed like this battle went on for an hour. Nothing seemed to work and soon enough, everyone was yelling “I’M OUT!!”. You and Robbin  were the only two that still had a few left and suddenly, an idea came to mind. If you could get one into its mouth, that’d probably kill it. Not the brightest idea but it was worth trying. You sprint over to her and take the largest firework, leaving the rest of your ammo.

“What are you doing?” she shouted over the noise

You ignored her and dashed towards a spot behind the Flayer on the first floor. If you could get close enough to it, it’ll turn around, you could take your shot and get the hell out of there before Flayer guts could get on you.

“I’M OUT!” Robbin yells

That’s your cue.

You whistle and it’s loud enough to get it’s attention. It turns around and roars as you throw the last explosive. It lands in it’s mouth and detonates. There’s a eery silence. Is it over? Did you deliver the final blow that saved the world?

No.

The Flayer flings one of its legs at you, sending you flying into the counter of one of the restaurants.

You’re out cold. All you remember is seeing its leg and everything turned to black. It’s all over isn’t it? Well, at least you died a hero. Are you a hero? Oh no, mom. Mom almost lost Will but now you? This wasn’t how it’s supposed to end. Mom, Will, and Jonathan are going to live their lives without you forever and all because of a goddamn alien thing? Shit, shit, shit.

After your mom closed the portal to the UpsideDown thus, killing the MindFlayer, everyone ran downstairs and rushed to El and you. El was had bumps and bruises but wanted them to tend to you. Max grieved over Billy’s body and El held her tight as she sobbed.

Your brothers, Steve, Robbin, Nancy and Mike pulled your body from the rubble and Will yelled for you. Nancy held him back from seeing the aftermath.

“Y/N?! Oh my God! Wake up! Come on!” Johnathan shouted

“Joyce?! Hop?! Dustin? Anyone, come in!!” Mike shouted over the walkie talkie.

“This is Joyce, is everyone okay?” your mom replied

“Miss. Byers, we need you ASAP! Y/N’s down and it’s bad!”

“Wait, wait wait. Who’s down?!” Joyce panicked

Jonathan took the walkie talkie form Mike

“Y/N!! Y/N’s DOWN! MOM HURRY!” ——–

Feeling hands grab your shoulders, you thought that an angel was probably pulling you up to heaven. Well, it’s been nice Earth.

“Y/N?!”

You couldn’t see anything but you most definitely heard a voice yelling your name

“Y/N?!”

There it goes again. What the-.

“They’re not waking up!” another voice said

Out of nowhere, you heard a comforting voice

“Y/N? It’s mommy. Oh no, baby, please come back to mommy. Please”

Mom! You can hear her but you can’t see her. You can feel a heaviness on your chest. Ow! Hey! Now, it really hurts.

You open your eyes just enough to see light. You can see big blobs but you can’t make them out.

“Hey! There they are!” Robbin said

She had been doing CPR on you for the past 3 minutes

You tried to sit up but a hand gently pushed you back

“No, no, no. Don’t move” Jonathan said

A groan escaped from your mouth. You feel something rub across your hand repeatedly. With the eye that wasn’t swollen shut, you looked at you hand and saw your mom. She was crying tears of relief and rubbed her thumb across the back of your hand.

“Sweetheart, can you hear me?” she asked

You could hear her alright. Everything was awfully loud and sounded like a plastic bag was over your head.

You just squeezed her hand with what little strength you had in you. She smiled and kissed your forehead.

“Mom, they’re losing a lot of blood” Jonathan worried

You looked down at your stomach and blacked out again from the sight of the deep gash. — Waking up to the clean smell of an ambulance was nice. What wasn’t nice is being hooked up to tubes and wires.

You opened your eyes again and saw Joyce and 2 paramedics staring at you.

“Mom?” you said reaching for her

“Don’t move sweetheart. We’re almost to the hospital” she said

Someone was missing. Hop. Hop was missing. He’s been like a father to you since your dad left. He was always there for you and you can’t imagine him not being by your side in a situation like this.

“Mom, where’s Hopper?” you said in a hoarse voice

Joyce took a shaky breath

“I’m so sorry”

“Huh? No! Where is he?!” you cried

“He didn’t make it baby” she said

It took you a while to process the news. It wasn’t enough time because by the time you were rushed through the ER doors, the nurses put you under again for surgery.

—-

You woke up for the 3rd time and everyone was in your post-op room.

“Hey hero!” your big brother said

Everyone said their greetings to you.

“Hey badass! I heard what happened” said Dustin

“I heard you kicked the MindFlayers ass right before you got sucker punched by it” said Erica

“Erica!” Lucas reprimanded his sister

Things got quiet when Will came to your side.

“Don’t leave us again, please”

With Will being the baby of the family, you always made promises to him. Pinky promises started back when he was 5 and ever since, it stuck.

“I pinky promise” you said

Your voice was still hoarse but at least you can talk in full sentences. You saw El in the corner of the room.

“El” you said

She came to your side

“Is it true?” you asked

She gave you the saddest eyes.

“yes” she nodded

You sighed. The room got quiet when Joyce walked in.

“We’ll give you two a minute” Nancy said ushering everyone out

As soon as everyone left, Joyce kissed your forehead and you cried. She held your hand and cried with you. Things would never be the same in Hawkins. Especially without Hop.

[dangermousie]

All the 2020 kdramas I am interested in (and a few I am not)

DEFINITE

365: One Year Against Destiny (MBC) - I am excited to see Lee Joon Hyuk get a lead role and Nom Ji Hyun needs to work more. Plus, time travel!!!!

Alice (SBS) - Joo Won is back in what looks like a complicated tale of love and time travel and noona romance. YESSS!

The Allies - Time for a Green Hero (KBS) - weird title, but a sageuk about the hero growing into a leader against the Japanese invasion sounds up my alley before his, I am sure, inevitable demise.

Can This Person Be Translated (tvN) - Hong Sisters dramas don’t always work for me, but they always get an automatic look-see.

Eighteen Again (jTBC) - I love Kim Ha Neul and I hope it’s a steamy romance for all those “she is tooooo old for her leading man (Lee Do Hyun)” naysayers.

Half of a Half (tvN) - Park Hae Jin and Chae Soo Bin as an OTP yesss. 

Here - Noh Hee Kyung is beyond amazing as a writer and the cast (Lee Byung Han, Han Ji Min, Shin Min Ah, Nam Joo Hyuk) is insane!

Hyena (SBS) - Joo Ji Hoon!!!!! And the teaser looked slick.

Idol Doctor - an idol who sleepwalks and his doctor is a premise that would have made 14 year old me scream in glee.

Itaewon Class (jTBC) - I have developed quite a thing for Park Seo Joon recently, I love revenge, and there is gonna be food! Bring it on!

I Will Find You On a Beautiful Day (jTBC) - Park Min Young, Seo Kang Joon, Lee Jae Wook? I need to look no further. But it also sounds like a healing slice of life romance, yum. 

The King: the Eternal Monarch (SBS) - Lee Min Ho in a heroic fantasy tale penned by Kim Eun Suk, and also with Kim Go Eun and Woo Do Hwan in the cast? It’s my dream come true.

Memoir of the Man (MBC) - I like the leads a lot (Kim Dong Wook and Moon Ga Young) and I have discovered that romances with odd premises (he remembers everything, she forgets most important moments) tend to work really well for me. 

The Most Beautiful Moment in Life (tvN) - second chance romances with older protags are my fave thing, and when it stars Lee Bo Young and Yoo Ji Tae - my heart!!!

Oddball (MBN) - description is hella confusing but I always check out all the sageuks.

Psycho But It’s OK (tvN) - “ A man who denies love and a woman who doesn’t know love defy fate and fall in love, finding their souls and identities in the process. “ Yes please. Also, Kim Soo Hyun doesn’t do anything for me (I know I know) but he always picks good dramas.

Sandbox (tvN) - Suzy and Nam Joo Hyuk in what sounds like a sweet romance. I happen to like both - they have a warm on-screen vibe and good chemistry with their costars. Also (and that is not a slam), a sweet-natured romance sounds like something that plays to their strengths and avoids their limitations (thoughts of either in an intense melo or sageuk would give me hives, but there they will be perfect.)

Ssanggab Cart Bar (jTBC) - a food stall for the dead? Color me intrigued enough to want to check it out; plus Hwang Jung Eum usually has a very good taste for picking dramas. 

The Story of Gumiho (tvN) - Lee Dong Wook as a male gumiho! Jo Bo Ah as his eventual lady love! Fantasy and romance and a very happy Mousie!

Superstar Miss Lee - heroine and another lady swap souls, there is a chaebol possibly played by Yoo Seung Ho, etc etc. Sometimes I am just in the mood for a good, old-school crazy drama. 

Train (OCN) - yes, an OCN drama made it on the list, is it a parallel world? Nope, but a parallel world where OCN makes romances may be involved since it stars Kim Jae Wook (OMG yes) as a detective trying to protect his dead love in a parallel world where she is alive. Will miracles never cease? 

Welcome (KBS) - and the award for the most insane premise goes to!!! L is a cat (!!!!) who, and I quote, “mastered the art of transformation into human form.” He hooks up with his owner (!!!!!????!!!!) There is so much insanity in this, that I am already riveted, though not necessarily in a good way.    

Youth Report (tvN) - I know little about that one but Park Bo Gum has consistently picked dramas I like.

MAYBE

City of Stars: no idea if this one is happening but Ji Chang Wook playing an astronaut sounds interesting. Though he doesn’t always pick the best dramas (hello there, the awful Melt Me), he’s always fun to watch!

Danjong, the Young King (MBC) - any sageuk is at least a try but I literally found zip about this one.

The Game: Towards Zero (MBC) - honestly, the yes/no will depend on whether there is a romance. Someone who can see a dead person’s last moments pairing up with a lady detective to solve serial murders is very far out of my jam (and someone give Im Joo Hwan a leading role dammit, the man is wasted playing the inevitable serial killer) but Taecyeon is adorable even if not the best actor and I would brave this genre if he and Lee Yeon Hee (an underrated girlcrush of mine) are allowed to be a couple.

Late Night Snack Man and Woman (SBS) - bizarre title but I am fond of Sung Hoon despite his less than consistent choice of projects and a conman (who hopefully gets redeemed) sounds fun. I also think the hero pretends to be gay (!?!?!) which I haven’t seen as a major plot point since Personal Choice which could either be fun or bad, who knows.  

Memorist (tvN) - I like to watch Yoo Seung Ho but I don’t care for mysteries. Still, it’s on tvN so maybe there will be romance.

Money Game (tvN) - banking and money scheming rarely works for me, but sometimes can be a smart thing, plus I have got to check out Go Soo being back on my screen!

Penthouse (SBS) - the insane writer of The Last Emperor and Temptation of Wife. An experienced cast of my favorites with Lee Ji Ah, Shin Sung Rok and Eugene. It will most likely be a trainwreck I will ditch halfway but hope springs eternal. 

The Search (OCN) - the star of Nokdu in the DMZ? Yes!!! But OCN does no romance so my enthusiasm is diminished.

Secret - I like Park Hae Jin and Jo Bo Ah well enough, but mainly because I am damn curious if this baby will ever air!

So I Married an Anti-Fan - this a prefilmed drama that seems to find a home nowhere which means its probably not good, but the premise of an idol having to shack up with his anti-fan for publicity is too amusing for me not to at least want to peek if it actually does air. 

Touch (Channel A) - I have an oddly hormonal attraction to Joo Sang Wook (I love the really sexy middle manager look, sue me!) but idols and make-up artists and all that are not necessarily my jam. It depends on the execution.

Unique: Chef Moon - I love Eric to bits but when I start reading the description of a chef dedicated to organic cooking, I start to fall asl...zzzzzzzzz. 

WHHHHYYYYY

Hi Bye Mama - I adore Kim Tae Hee, but the premise of a dead wife and mother who comes back for 49 days to her grieving family, presumably including sad children and husband who is only now beginning to recover sounds like one only a genuine masochist could love. 

My Holo Love (netflix) - a lonely woman hooks up with an AI. Between the fact that Absolute Boyfriend poisoned me for an AI romance forever, the fact that the heroine has face blindness (isn’t that so 2018?), and that the description includes the extraordinarily maudlin “drama is filled with stories of heartbreaking loneliness and tear-stained love,” I will pass.    

Que Sera Sera - out of sheer trainwreck curiosity because I adore the original and why remake a drama that’s only a bit over a decade old, and with relative newbies. 

What’s Happened in Bali - if it ever gets made that is (please no.) The original is amazing but they are not repeating the Jo In Sung - So Ji Sub - Ha Ji Won casting miracle and there is no need for a remake; plus this drama is something that makes sense in 2005 but less so in 2020 and just generally leave a classic alone, people. 

[snowmanmelting]

What’s Left Unsaid | Frozen Fanfiction

Rating: T 

Words: 1471

Summary: After their parents' sudden death, Elsa's life went through a lot of changes. Like getting to live again with her little sister, Anna, or processing the fact that she wouldn't need the cold to protect her from the flames anymore.

Read it under the break or at: AO3 | FFN

A/N: One of the main ideas I want to explore here is not just grief, but the conflicted feelings that come with it when the people we are grieving wasn’t the best in the world. So yes, you guessed it! Hurt/comfort with a side portion of angst and a harsh-reality soda /o/! Ok, maybe I’m over selling myself.

...Or am I?

                            1 | Principles |

They had died on a Friday night, yet Saturday dared to be a sunny day.

In movies, death is always dramatic, shocking, agonizing. The world stops for those who cry through blacks veils, with the rain in the background serving an absurd, cliche metaphor. And without any previous ideas, as it was common to exclude children from family tragedies, Elsa thought there would be some similarities.

However, the second hand of the clock didn't stop, the pop song on the radio didn't turn into a melancholic piano, nor gray clouds took over the sky. Birds kept singing over the backyard tree, the neighbor's dog barked at what sounded like a cat. Everything continued as it was minutes before the phone call. The only thing that changed was Elsa's personal, small, and immediate reality.

From one second to another, cold entered her body. It was slow and subtle, the way it froze her lungs and permeated the bones with every breath. It went deeper and deeper until her muscles trembled, the tip of her nose ached and her tears turned into frost. There was no notion of time or balance, and even boiling water felt like a glacier on her back.

An hour later, the world was exactly as she left it. With the difference of a coffee left forgotten, a ballad playing in the background, and a phone that kept ringing.

It seemed like a distant memory, a moment lost in time among others, but it actually happened this very morning. Elsa found it hard to place herself in time when cold settled in her body this way. She had no idea what she was doing anymore, just that she was doing things. Working on autopilot, being whoever was needed at the time. Whether it was a document provider, a shoulder to cry on, a witness in the identification process at the morgue, or just someone sitting at hospital stairs.

She needed air and daily life. The bustle of the avenue, conversations that ranged from people complaining about traffic to gossips about someone she'll never meet. The evening sun illuminating the butterflies that perched on some nearby flowers. The constant city noises. The normal.

When Elsa crossed the entrance, it was easy to believe this was some illusion that would disappear as soon as she felt her fingertips again.

The constant buzzing of the fluorescent lights amidst the morgue's silence brought her back to reality.

Her parents were dead. They weren't coming back.

The cold had yet to leave Elsa's bones.

A few meters away, some kids played plastic dinosaurs over the steps, detached from the reality of the hospital behind them. Someone who seemed to be their mother sat next to them, seeing and warning them if they got too far. Elsa remembered those weekends of family visits and evenings in the park. Anna always brought her dolls and they would wander around, looking for leaves and sticks to make rudimentary little houses for them.

Once, they got so far away they ended up by the pond, looking at a family of ducks that went out to ask for food and then returned to their small island. Her mother didn't find it cute or amusing. Neither did Elsa because, since Anna was five, it was up to her to be the most responsible of the two.

Suddenly, death made sense.

She wanted to cry tears of frost again. Perhaps with sadness, perhaps with some anger.

Why cry, though? Under what specific reason? That was the question. The motive, the real motive.

Grief that they wouldn’t be around anymore? That she’ll have to come home to an empty house and end up bawling in the middle of the living room? Yes, grief, that is. For the most part, she supposed. Because she loved them and they loved her back and always tried to do what they thought was best. That was how the phrasing usually went, at least. Both ways. You care. I care. We do the right thing. Everything is okay as it is. No complaints allowed.

No complaints, no, none at all.

But then what about the anger? What about the pain and the anger and the guilt at the smallest of the sparks of joy at the idea of freedom and the confusion because this is not what closure should feel like at all, even if someone had to die in the process but it didn’t really feel like it so how—

How was this closure?

How this was anything but, at the same time?

The easy way, it was the easiest way out.

This wasn’t the best time to analyze these things —it never was— as she was sure even the mere thought of it was disrespectful. And Elsa shouldn't even feel anything remotely similar in its structure. Better to conceal it, if she ever did, pretend it didn't exist for the sake of the world around her.

If it’s not there, then it’s not real.

Was there any proof? No, there wasn't. Therefore nothing is real, because Elsa took pride in her ability to hide certain things. She still did and wasn't about to stop it now.

So she stood there with her chin on her knees. In her immediate, personal tiny world. Where everything is fine, separations don't hurt, sacrifices don't exist, and she is a beautiful, happy puppet living a beautiful, happy life in her paper mache stage.

Bad habits die hard. Especially when you're not putting in any effort.

She stayed like that, for a while. Listening to casual conversations of those who came and went, watching carelessness and innocence wander around with cotton shoulders between laughter and dinosaurs with airplane growls. Watching those who had the opportunities Elsa had to disassociate herself from.

Somehow, she could make out the footsteps, growing stronger as they approached. They were fearful and insecure, and for a moment she wondered if it wasn't someone on the run.

Elsa knew who it was when they took a seat in the same cautious way. Their mere presence was enough. The feeling was... strange, but certain. Just like when you are alone at night and you know someone is right behind you. Turning around, then, means facing a catastrophic reality, an imaginative mind, or intangible memories.

"Hey."

Elsa turned her head, as there were no tragic events behind her this time, but quite the opposite. Anna was sitting there, right next to her.

At least two years had passed.

The morgue wasn't the most ideal form of reunion, to tell the truth. And a part of her wished that there never had to be one. That they had received the news together, that Elsa could feel the cold on her fingertips and her tears had been shared, instead of melted frost. Yet seeing her younger sister laugh with the cotton shoulders Elsa couldn't keep, in all those occasional meetings over the years, was worth it. Anna was happy for both of them, and that for Elsa for was enough.

However, this wasn’t the time to give in to melancholy, to apologize for past attitudes, or to offer explanations. It was about in the here and now, for the immediate need to find comfort.

Elsa saw Anna's lips tremble. She seemed to be looking for the right words while the sun made confusion, uncertainty, and anguish dance on the reflection of her green eyes. So as soon as she made the gesture of reaching out, her sister leaned down with the full force of body action and a fresh wave of tears.

It was a comforting warmth, the kind that brings you back to reality little by little. That gives time to breathe and to adapt to feeling sensations again, and that was so contrasting with the burning, scorching fire. It felt like hot chocolate in winter or curling up under the covers. Soft, gentle, restorative.

She hugged her tightly by the shoulders, resting her chin against the top of her sister's copper hair, and closing her eyes to the point that she saw colored spots, so as not to take the protagonism out of Anna's tears.

"I'm sorry," Elsa whispered, almost not finding her voice. "I'm so sorry, Anna."

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for our loss.

She was sorry with all the honesty in the world and, at the same time, she wasn’t. Because of the guilt at the smallest spark of joy on the hidden parts of her soul. The parts she had no proof of and, therefore, didn’t exist. She had to be the pretty but sad little puppet with her now sad little puppet life in her paper mache stage.

This was the best outcome of it all, despite what everyone might say.

Because their parents were dead.

It was better that way.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Outlander: Perpetual Adoration (5x05)

Honestly, this episode felt kind of disjointed to me. Several of the pieces were good, but the picture they made in the end was less than it should have been.

Cons:

I enjoyed, in theory, the flashbacks to Claire back in the twentieth century. We see a story of her losing a patient, Graham Menzies, because of an allergic reaction to penicillin. His death shakes her bad enough that she decides to go on a trip to London with Brianna, which leads to her crossing paths with Roger, and ultimately finding her way back to Jamie. The main issue I had here was the strange way the scenes were arranged. In the "behind the scenes" section of the episode they talk about how they had filmed the scenes in order but ended up rearranging them in editing, and honestly that doesn't surprise me to hear. We see Claire attending the Perpetual Adoration and talking to the priest, before we hear Graham explain what it means to him. I'm not sure why they did this - not only is it unnecessarily complicated from a narrative standpoint, but the scene with the priest is stronger, with the overt message of people never being lost if they are not forgotten. It should have come later anyway.

Also, while I liked the flashbacks, or at least parts of them, I was annoyed at how much focus they pulled from the story proper. Sure, it's fun to see Joe Abernathy again, etc. But the scene with Joe and Kezzie having surgery, Claire and Marsali discovering the penicillin... those are moments I wanted to linger on much more, and it's a bummer they were so brief.

I'll talk in a minute about Jamie's plot thread, which I thought was quite strong, but I did feel like the opening part, where Fergus and Jamie walk in and Knox is there, was kind of odd. Last week there was such a sense of the militia as this unit of people, and this week they were all but absent, with Jamie and Knox getting all the screen time. I could have used a bit more of a sense of the group of men, their dynamics, how they're feeling after everything that went down in Brownsville.

I try so hard to care about Roger and Brianna. Sometimes I manage it, but their fight about Bonnet was really just - disheartening to watch. It's not even that I don't care at all, it's more just that it's dour and unpleasant and it sucks. Roger being upset with Brianna for telling her rapist that her baby is his... like, who am I meant to feel sympathy for in this scene? Because I certainly don't feel it for Roger. Then there's Roger saying that because Bonnet's not dead, they'll need to go through the stones right away, and Brianna gets this conflicted look on her face, like she's still not sure that's what she wants. I'm already exhausted with this dynamic, and I didn't think I would be. I think part of the problem is that I know from the books that they don't leave yet. Who knows, maybe they change things wildly from book canon, but I kind of doubt it.

Pros:

So, while I had my problems with the flashbacks, ultimately I enjoyed seeing Claire in this twentieth century setting, and her voice-over worked really, really well here. Outlander's use of voice-over has been inconsistent, but it's best employed when it's being used to convey a theme or philosophy instead of simply narrating events. Here, we have Claire ruminating on the nature of time, and how that relates to God. It's an excellent theme. We see how in the sterile, "safe" environment of the 1960's, a patient dies senselessly because of an undetected allergy. Meanwhile in the past, Claire is playing God by creating penicillin far before its time, and she uses it to perform successful surgery. Her foreknowledge and skill can and will create a ripple effect, and it's definitely one of the core themes I love to see Outlander explore.

Plus, the actor playing Graham Menzies was genuinely charming, and it was nice to see Claire have a chance to grieve Jamie in a more conventional sense. It's heartbreaking to think about how her original grief for Jamie was subsumed as she tried to be a wife to Frank and a mother to Bree. But decades later, with Frank dead and Brianna grown, she can start to process some of her feelings. She also ends up on the path that leads her back to him, so it all ends up for the best. Also, they brought in the romance novel thing! That's one of my favorite details from the book. Fun to see Joe again!

While Roger and Brianna's scenes left me feeling a little cold, I don't fundamentally dislike these characters. Roger shines brightest when he's focusing on his fish-out-of-water status. He's self-conscious about failing Jamie as a captain, and I really feel for him there. Also, I liked Roger and Claire's scene. They have a more natural chemistry as scene partners than he has with Brianna, and I think that's because Caitriona Balfe is a stronger actress. He compares his situation with Jemmy's unclear paternity, to Claire's decision to hide the truth of Brianna's parentage from her, and I thought that was really interesting, and made for a much better exploration of the situation than we got between Brianna and Roger.

Once again we're seeing how Murtagh continuing to exist in this timeline is changing things for Jamie. I really do go back and forth on whether I like his continued presence, but this week it really worked. Jamie's loyalty, and his decision about when to create a clear line in the sand, is one of the driving forces of this whole story-line. And having Murtagh there, having him be the specific source of Knox's search, adds a personal stake here that I think was definitely missing from the book. I like how in the book, Jamie is basically just trying to play the middle and wait for the right moment to declare himself a rebel, to ensure that he and his family end up on the winning side. It's interesting to watch him navigate that aspect of it. But here, his principles are more directly tangled up in things. His loyalty to Murtagh obviously outweighs his coerced loyalty to the crown!

I also like how Knox seems to really admire Jamie and feel a real sense of kinship with him. Jamie is more reserved, saying what he thinks Knox wants to hear, but I also think Jamie is somewhat genuinely moved by Knox's admiration for him. It was obviously pretty brutal watching Jamie kill him, especially after Knox's horrified realization of Jamie's relationship to Murtagh. Knox isn't a character I necessarily sympathize with, but it was hard not to wince when I saw his life come to end. For Jamie's sake, if nothing else.

So, with evidence of Jamie's true allegiance burned, and Knox dead, Jamie returns to the Ridge with a new friend for Claire - a tiny fuzzy kitten named Adso! This is a different way for the cat to make his entrance than what happens in the books, but hey. I'm still thrilled to see him!

At the end of the day, I'm not sure how to grade this episode. There were things about it I truly enjoyed, but others that frustrated me. We are five episodes in now, and these seasons aren't exactly very long. How am I going to feel about the shape of season five as a whole, when all is said and done? That remains to be seen!

7/10

[quillfulwriter]

FFXV Meta: Too Much is Never Enough

I’ve recently beaten Final Fantasy XV and have been sating my need for more content by consuming all the DLC, scripts, and anime (which I’m sure you understand if you’ve also played). The other way I’m coping with the fact that I’m done FFXV is by analyzing one of my favorite songs from the OST, Too Much is Never Enough by Florence + the Machine.

Mind you, these lyrics are subjective and you may find other metas that have a different take. Enjoy them all! The fun is in gathering all the different ideas to discuss. And since you’re here, this is my perspective on what the lyrics mean in Too Much is Never Enough.

BEWARE: FFXV Spoilers Abound

Proceed with Caution

About 1500 words | 5- to 10-minute read

A year like this passes so strangely

Somewhere between sorrow and bliss

He never really grieved his father fully, not on screen at least, and I think these lyrics really speak to that. He’s on the road with three people he loves like family*, but in the meantime, he’s lost his father without really getting to say goodbye. And they had such an emotionally charged but unexpressed (or under-expressed) father-son relationship that he’s never quite fully recovered from or processed his loss.

* not negating any ships here, just acknowledging his bond with all of the Chocobros

– – –

Oh, who decides from where up high?

I couldn’t say I need more time

Oh, grant that I can stay the night

Or one more day inside this life

I love this direct contradiction because that’s just so Noctis: to conceal what you really need emotionally even as you know that’s what you need.

To say you don’t need more time, but praying for the one night or maybe just one more day there, with his family—that’s all he needs before he lays down his life for them.

Because Noctis naturally doesn’t say what he feels, sometimes even saying the opposite, or says just the tip of the iceberg of his real feelings. That cloaked duality comes across here in a really meaningful, subtle (and yeah, hurtful) way.

But it also shows this desperate (not sure if this is the best word, but it’s that quality of needing someone), vulnerable side to Noctis that just wants a single night more even as he also says he couldn’t say he needs more (not that he’s singing, just going on the Noctis angle).

As much as Noctis is kind of spoiled and definitely takes his friends for granted, that doesn’t change the depth of his love for them.

And though this is the official lyrics line break, I do think it’s interesting that it can be heard either as shown above or:

Oh, who decides from where up high? I couldn’t say

I need more time

As an alternate interpretation of “who says it has to be this way, I don’t know” and then the plea for a little more time here with the ones he holds so dear to his heart. This ability to hear it differently really reinforces the duality/contradiction of these lines.

– – –

And the crown it weighs heavy

‘Till it’s banging on my eyelids

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains

I once told my friends that Noctis was like a cat that hides beneath the bed and the Chocobros all have different tactics for getting him out—this section of lyrics reminds me of that, but way prettier and more poetic.

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains, shutting out the world, because he’s avoiding feelings, the pressures of royalty, etc. The specific things being avoided in these lines are royal obligations and the cost of being the True King, of course.

And it does remind me of the pointedly kingly moments of Noctis—like when Jared was killed, he focused on Talcott, speaking to him like his king rather than as his friend. He showed empathy, understanding that this situation wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, but he promised to make it right.

That’s not something he’d say like that to his boys or Luna—similar, maybe, but not the same. If you know him as Prince Noctis, you aren’t getting past the curtains. He won’t let you in because you need him to be an icon, and he won’t disappoint you that way. But if you know Noct? You stand a better chance, at least.

Another moment is kiddo Noctis declaring to Gladio in Brotherhood that he won’t lose their sparring match—he has lost every one at that point, he has no reason to believe he’ll succeed. But that’s what is expected of him, that’s what he needs to do as prince.

And as much as that pressure is a lot—that crown weighs heavy—he embraces it, he wants to meet that expectation and make them proud. But the cost is both his closed nature and in a way, being blind to the costs of the crown. He knows there’s a cost, he’s said to Prompto that being a normal person is kind of nice. But he doesn’t acknowledge a limit to how much cost is too much (an interesting twist on the title, now that I think of it).

There’s a bit of idle dialogue in-game where Ignis comments on Noctis looking worn down, and Gladio says he needs to take better care of himself—and Noctis tells them that’s their job. I’m using this as an example of him not seeing self-care as worth it, seeing this cost as not being too much to pay, blind to its toll—and his friends have to take on that toll for him so he can keep on going.

But honestly, even the fact that Prompto says nothing is part of the cost. You know this boy probably wanted to speak up, but he 1) might’ve felt it wasn’t his place, thanks Noctis and 2) is the least pushy of his friends.

He lets Noctis come to him when he wants or needs something, so he puts his own feelings aside for Noctis’ benefit. Prompto is someone he can avoid the crown/feelings with who won’t bring it up before he’s ready, which is important, but it’s Prompto who shoulders that burden in the meantime.

Though I also want to say I think the really beautiful thing with Luna is that she gets the special privilege of seeing Noctis as himself and the True King simultaneously— they are one and the same to her, and I think that’s a big part of his feelings for her too.

Again, not negating any ships here! I’m a multishipper, so this game is a grand ol’ buffet of cute ships to me.

– – –

And who cares about the thing I did that night?

So what, maybe Luna had it right

And who cares if I’m coming back alive?

So what, least I have the strength to fight

Okay, so if you look at these four lines separately, you get more options, but I’m choosing to look at them all together because angst.

When Luna dies and sees Noctis one last time, she says they can’t see each other again “because my prayers have been answered, my calling fulfilled”.

That’s what I’m thinking of with “maybe Luna had it right”, but this introduces an interesting thought that Noctis thought she was wrong before. Suggesting that perhaps he was angry with her for praying to die for them even if that is the cost of the Oracle’s covenant. Basically his thought path would be along the lines of “wtf Luna, haven’t I lost enough?”

One of the five stages of grief is anger, so that’s especially intriguing to me because I have a feeling Noctis would also feel guilty about being angry, and of course he’s all caught up in his own feelings for the indefinite future as he works this whole mess out.

The first and third lines of this section apply well to the endgame. He’s referring to his own death for the safety of all without actually using the word itself. Avoidant even now, because sometimes it is just too much to take, whether you’ve made your peace or not (and of course he had, he says as much).

But it’s also an extension of not having any idea of what cost is too much—he’ll pay any cost for them and the world. Let’s be real, it’s mostly for the ones he loves, but he lives up to his duty with pride.

But he’s still being dismissive of their feelings. He doesn’t care if he comes back alive, but they do. One last cost he leaves them to pay, but that is part of their duty in this. They filled the time he had with love and a good deal of patience, so they must be among those not exactly celebrating at the return of natural order.

In a way, that last line is for all of them—having the strength to be there, to fight, to live up to the honorable, painful duty set before them—they can be proud of that despite the steep cost.

Thanks for reading!

If you’ve got thoughts to share, I’m happy to see them.

[ortegatrash]

Second Chances

Name: Mikael Hansson | Puppet: Eden | Villain name: Thorne Cautious / anonymous / tech-savvy / tactician / anarchist Outsider scar, truth Warnings: Temporary (then corrected) misgendering/use of deadnames, self-blame

So I headcanon my sidestep Mikael as having been kidnapped from his loving family while on holiday in America as a child. Have a family reunion.

Fandom: Fallen Hero Rebirth

There is a little red house down at the end of the lane.

There is a little red house down at the end of the lane in a quiet little country town in Sweden, on the edge of a great lake.

There is a little red house with faded white timber framing and a roof that leaks when there's a particularly bad storm to the point that the iron bucket placed underneath the hole has rusted into place permanently.

The air is disconcertingly fresh, And you suppose the pastries are particularly tempting.

Maybe that's why you force yourself up the steps, feeling like you've lost control of yourself. Lost control of your own body. Your own life.

Maybe that's why you press the doorbell, knowing that its chimes are just ever so slightly out of tune and shivering despite yourself at the sense of déjà vu.

For the pastries, of course. Seems like they're having a coffee break inside, of course there's always time for fika. Time which you've just interrupted from the way the chatter inside stops at the sound of the doorbell.

"Were you expecting a visitor-?"

"I think it might be the package I ordered, I'll be right back."

Your throat goes dry.

The middle-aged woman who comes to the door looks tired. Tired, but kind, the crows feet at the edges of her eyes softening into polite confusion as she takes you in. "Oh, hello, may I help you?" Is this young man lost?

"I…" You lose all the words you had planned, dying unconceived in your throat. Because you, you weren't sure you could trust your memory, could scarcely hope to believe these strange dreamlike visions could have been anything real.

That they were real. That you, too, were once like them, human and real and happy-

"-Are you quite alright? Do you need help?" She looks slightly alarmed at the way the tears are streaming down your face and you can't help but to break into disbelieving laughter.

You swallow it down as best you can, try to compose yourself. Your voice is rusty and unsure, it's been so long since you've spoken anything other than English - but somehow the words come to you like in a dream. Like they were something you'd always known, you'd just forgotten that you knew. "Kristina, you are Kristina Hansson, yes?"

"That is me. What exactly is this about?"

She doesn't…

She doesn't even recognise you. You'd somewhat expected this, it feels like a completely different lifetime ago that you once knew her and she would not be expecting to see a man's face in the place of a little girl's.

"Did you...did you happen to have a daughter named Mia, once?"

The woman's face shutters as she draws inward. "Yes," she says, simply. "Once. But it's been more than a decade since they took my little girl. If you have nothing new to bring me on her case, I would rather not speak of it."

You wince, you hadn't meant to bring up old wounds like this. How strange to be the one putting her in this position. That just leaves you with the issue...how do you even bring up something like this delicately?

You take a deep breath in. "When I couldn't sleep, I used to beg you to stay by my side and sing me lullabies. I was so afraid of storms as a child, but you would tell me not to be afraid because it was just Thor striking his hammer."

Her brow creases, eyes wide with the implications and yet not daring to believe. "What...please, if you are planning on using my daughter's memory to con money out of me, you should know better-!"

You don't let her finish. "-And that got me into reading those marvel comics about Thor. I was fascinated, I remember. I told you I wanted to be a superhero too, raining down lightning from the sky."

You'd eventually settled on letting Ortega do the frying people and you suppose you were a hero for a few years too - so in a way, you really had managed to achieve your childhood dream.

She's trembling. "M-Mia? But- How?" She can't help but let the tentative hope and disbelief bleed through, wanting so badly to believe and being tired of being disappointed one too many times.

The shaky smile that makes its way onto your face threatens to ruin you. "I go by Mikael nowadays," you note, your attempt at a deadpan tone ruined by the lingering vulnerability that comes from being afraid. Afraid of hoping. Afraid of rejection.

The arms that fling themselves around you are an answer in themselves. "Mikael," she whispers, like she's trying it out to see how it feels on her tongue. "Mikael, Mikael, Mikael!"

It.

It's all just too much at once and you finally allow yourself to break down for the first time in a long, long time in your mother's arms.

"Mamma," you whisper. "I'm finally home."

---

Pappa sits at the coffee table, hoarding all the biscuits. "Oh! Ah. Do we have a visitor?" he mumbles with his mouth full, looking equally embarrassed and guilty before holding out the packet. "Per Hansson, I don't believe we've met. Would you like a biscuit, Mr…?" He trails off, not quite able to look you in the eye.

You take a biscuit with a fond smile. "Hansson. Mikael Hansson, and I believe you would be mistaken. We do, in fact, know each other."

He blinks before going bright red. "Oh? Ah, my memory must be going, I'm terribly sorry…"

Your dear old man. You plonk yourself down on the seat beside him and steal his tea as he's reaching for it with a wry, cheeky grin (you'd always been able to count on him backing you up on your shared hatred of coffee.) "You would have known me better as 'Mia', back then."

The shock of your rudeness at have stolen his tea from out under his nose is still taking a moment for him to process, his mouth open in a perfect circle as he blubbers at you. Begins to say something and then snaps his mouth shut again.

"I-" he begins. "What? ...How? ...What even?"

You smother the tiniest of giggles in his your teacup, regretting your decision as you cough and choke on how hot it is.

To his credit, he just shakes his head at you, eyes glassy with emotions as he reaches in to embrace you. "Oh, my little gir-, er. Little one. All grown up. Alive and well." He leans back to look at you. "Well. Alive, at least. I wouldn't want to presume about what happened to you...but I never thought…"

He's starting to lose grip of his emotions with the way he's just clutching at your clothes, as if he doesn't even think you could be real. It's...surreal.

There are so many things you want to say, so many things you want to ask that they all tumble over themselves on their way to climb out of your mouth. That's why you say nothing but: "Wait, how do you know it's really me without confirming it? I could be a paid actor, sent to con two grieving parents out of their money. Mamma thought so."

Why do you sabotage yourself like this?

But Pappa is laughing and ruffling your hair like he used to and telling you: "Silly child, as if I couldn't see the bird's nest of hair I gave you once I knew to look! As if I couldn't see the colour of your mother's eyes when I look into yours or the way you both make the strangest faces like a bewildered cat when you're confused, like you're doing now!"

What- You do *not* look like a bewildered cat!

"Oh, but you were always too much like me. With the terrible taste in facial hair…"

"There's nothing wrong with my moustache!" You're sure even the tips of your ears are bright red by now. You'd...you'd forgotten just how *embarrassing* he could be.

(It's not a bad thing.)

---

She bursts into the house with tears in her eyes and clenched fists (and years worth of things she never got to say). "Is it real? Oh my god, is my baby sister finally home after all these years?"

You stare at her, mouth full of biscuits. Then: "Baby brother now, you know. I didn't go and spend all my hard earnt money on black market hormones just to grow a moustache for fun…" It's hard work maintaining your (beautiful, dammit) moustache, no matter what they say. A moustache probably full of crumbs at the moment.

Margareta blinks at you, and oh, she still looks like a confused little deer when she does that even if those soft baby cheeks they teased her about have finally sharpened into cheekbones strong enough to cut yourself against. And then she's pulling you in for a back-breaking hug (and god isn't it so strange to find yourself taller than your big sister now?) and getting snot all over your jacket as she sobs.

It's fine, a dry-cleaning bill is nothing compared to seeing your sister again.

She has to reach up to cup your face between her hands, which gets an instant huff from you. You hadn't….you had completely forgotten she used to do that and squeeze your cheeks and tease you about how adorable you were…

But the look on her face is sorrowful. Maybe it's something in the lines of your face, the permanent shadows under your eyes  but she looks like she's the barest slip away from breaking down in front of you.

"Margit," you begin. "What's the matter?"

She covers her face. "I'm so sorry, you should hate me."

"Hate you?" That takes you aback. "Whatever for? Are you not happy to see me?"

"Of course I am!" Her reply is so strong and full of conviction at your words you can't do anything but blink. Blink at the way she uncovers her face in the moment and you see just how distraughtly she looks at you.

"Then...what?"

Her eyes train themselves furiously on the floor. "...I failed you. Oh, god, I'm so sorry, I failed you so badly, I didn't mean to take my eyes off you in that moment…" She's beginning to hyperventilate.

Pappa is by her side looking concerned and mamma's footsteps are hurrying your way at the commotion.

"Hey, steady now. Don't tell me you blame yourself for what happened?" You were just a kid, a kid more interested in lingering near the toy store than listening to his annoying older sister prattle on with her friends. You were tired and grumpy and too annoyed to listen when she told you to keep up.

You didn't mean to linger behind…

"It was!" Margareta says it with such miserable sincerity that you understand in this very moment that she's indeed been blaming herself for your kidnapping all these years. "I was responsible for you and everything that happened to you and I...I really fucked up. I thought I got you murdered, you have to understand. I thought I had sent you to a painful, horrific death and the last thing I had said to you was how much I hated you for being so annoying."

You take a deep breath. "I won't lie. My life has...not exactly been easy, since. But…" She's looking at you with the most wretched resignation in her eyes, accepting of whatever verdict you pass upon her. "But it's not your fault. You were just a kid then, too. None of us could have known what would happen…"

"He's right," Pappa murmurs. "I don't think anyone could have prepared for the heartbreak that would occur."

You just about manage to hide your wince at his phrasing.

"Things might not ever be the same," -Mamma's voice floats over to the three of you huddled in an impromptu family hug- "But we have a second chance we never thought we'd get. I'm not going to waste the chance to try and build something new together."

A second chance.

Maybe…

Maybe you really have been lingering too much in the past.

Maybe you really should give second chances a go.

"What are you smiling about, Mikke?"

You wipe the tears from your face with a wry expression. "...There's someone I'd like you to meet." ---

You can't see Ricardo's face over the phone but you can certainly imagine his expression.

"Wait, did I hear that right? You want to bring me to meet your family?"

"Yes?"

"It's been a long time coming." He sounds so immeasurably smug. "But since when did you...I didn't even know you had a family anymore?"

You blink. "Did you think I popped out of a tank fully formed?"

"...Maybe?" Okay, that's fair. That's what they told you as well and you're not really certain if it's completely a lie, either. It's possible the other Re-Genes were grown in artificial wombs like they said.

"Well, they're alive and well. And they want to meet whoever's 'got me blushing so hard,' in their words." You are NOT blushing at the memory. Absolutely not.

"You know of course I'd be honoured to. To be honest, I just figured you didn't have a good relationship with them when you told me you didn't have a family all those years ago…"

You smile despite your sigh. "Yeah...I do have a bad habit of saying things that aren't technically lies but might be a bit misleading, don't I?"

"Mikael…" His voice is reproaching. Reproaching, but fond. "We have time to work on that. Unraveling all the secrets between us. This is our second chance, remember?"

You're certain he can hear the smile in your voice.

"Yes. I'd like that." Like to finally be yourself and surrounded by the people you love. "...Our own second chance."